#anyone who has issues w/ this post can talk to me in private or send me an ask

[maxcaulfiedsgf]

Ashley Campbell moodboard + some of my headcanons

Okay guys, I've been in the Sally Face fandom for a long time (4 years) and I have an AU based on the game (I have it written but I've never posted it anywhere) so some of the headcanons might seem weird in the game's canon.

- Ash definitely listens to Billie Eilish and other famous singers. But she also listens to a lot of Indie rock, alternative rock (e.g. Big Thief, Sparklehorses, Radiohead, etc.).

- Continuing with the music world, she certainly has several different playlists for very specific situations. And she organizes them all frequently.

- (I think this one is kind of canon) she is a protective friend and probably stops thinking about herself to help her friends, which ends up making her destroy herself.

- She is lesbian and non-binary, her pronouns are she/they

- She loves more "neutral" clothes, like suits, leather jackets, loose sweaters, because it makes her feel more androgynous and she loves it

- She and Larry have obviously been best friends for a long time and know everything about each other, but she is also VERY close friends with Todd and they definitely gossip a lot.

- She and Sal were always very close but they still didn't know much about each other. One day they discovered that they were fans of the same series and began to have the courage to open up to each other, discovering that they are practically identical (in relation to many things).

- She has had a secret (not so secret) crush on Maple since elementary school, contrary to what many people think, they have always been friends (they even drifted apart at the beginning of high school) but then they got closer and had a quick "casual" relationship, because Ash was going to move to college.

- She and Maple stayed out of touch while Ash was in college (against Ash's will), so she didn't know that Maple had started a relationship with Chug and received the news as soon as she returned to Nockfell.

- She drew Maple at every possible opportunity and in every possible drawing stroke.

- Ash never got over Maple and when they were finally able to be together again she felt so happy that anyone could tell.

- Ash DEFINITELY sang Good Luck Babe to Maple while she was still married.

- Ash and Larry have a habit of leaving the group for a while and going out just the two of them to smoke and talk about life.

- She definitely has mommy issues and her mother was responsible for Ash not getting into an art/photography course.

- She has a problem with self-harm but whenever Sal says he relapsed she starts with the speech that it's not good and that he should stop.

- She hates math.

- She listened to "Do I wanna know?" thinking about Maple.

- She's the friend who has a camera, so every time she goes out with her friends she takes a bunch of pictures and gets a bunch of messages from them saying "send me the pictures from yesterday please"

- She uses kitty emojis

- She loves Instagram or any other social network where you can post photos and her feed is always methodical and organized.

- She has another Instagram, but this one is private and she uses it as a photo album (this one is not as organized) and she always posts everything about her/her life there.

- She and Sal are the "old-fashioned" friends and they make the whole group wear friendship charms, post texts on social media, take funny photos and record videos (and everyone gets on board with them).

- She writes letters (and then turns the letters into text) to all her friends all the time and always posts cute posts about them on Instagram.

- She is an alcoholic who only drinks wine.

- She's a smoker too btw.

- She and Maple have a Pinterest board where they share how they see each other with beautiful pictures.

- She is borderline and the symptom she suffers most from is dissociation and the constant desire to change.

- She is an outgoing person and talks a lot all the time.

- She loves to read and has a giant bookshelf full of books

- Even though she was the one who helped/taught Larry most of the things about art, she is insecure about her drawing style and took a while to show them to her friends often.

- She was a terrible cook as a teenager and now everyone is afraid to try what she makes, even though she has learned to cook properly.

- Her natural hair is wavy and she straightened it during her teenage years.

- She has a problem with anger and suffers a lot because of it because she sometimes pushes her friends away impulsively. And she feels that deep down everyone hates her because of it.

- She has a YouTube channel that she uses as a blog.

- She sees art in everything and is always painting and taking pictures of something.

(Just these for now because I'm sleepy)

[e77y]

relating to that vent, i getchu so bad. i feel like in general, the internet might worsen compulsions & obsession within ocd + etc. i have a similar feeling (wouldnt say identical cause i know u from tumblr n yaknow yaknow) that tells me everything i do needs to be 100% morally correct or [insert awful things] will happen to me or someone i love. and this is easier to deal with when you're offline, because there's a limit on the people that can get mad at you. half of the world won't get mad at you because only 0.00001% (or whatever) of the world knows you, yaknow. on the net, it feels like everyone who has an account knows you. your brain telly you anyone who has an account on here might see what you posted & they might be mad at you & they might make a callout post or whatever. even though they don't know you. which is a terrifying thought for many. i dont think youre alone in this, genuinely. and i feel it can be improved. some stuff that's helped me: - making separate accounts w private stuff (doesnt rly work on tumblr but like a private account on insta & etc etc) - rationalising thoughts (an example of this would be thinking: is it really likely many people will agree with someone being mad at me? or: how many people actually do see my posts? is that proportional to the amount of followers i have) - and talking ab it w friends. genuinely, the communication + processing of these thoughts & feelings is soo helpful. sending u soo much love <3 if u wanna chat a bit ab it you can dm me :) (ask can be published or responded 2 privately, whatever u prefer!)

Thank you so much for this message omg :’) ❤️❤️❤️❤️ So thoughtful. This made me tear up a little haha. I’m posting it here so I can look back at it later; hopefully that’s okay.

I’m really glad to hear other people feel the same way/have the same worry… like logically I know that it’s something a lot of people worry about, but idk; my brain has a way of convincing me I am the only person in the world who has done anything ‘bad’ ever LMAOO. So this was really nice to hear

Also I’m a very talkative person! Like I’m definitely an introvert, but I do like to talk about myself and my interests and my feelings etc. Especially when I have a forum (cough Tumblr) to post into the void 😭😭 So I guess that’s part of my issue; IRL, there are less people to be upset if I do/say something ‘bad’, and most of them are my close friends and know I don’t have bad intentions. But online, I walk on eggshells bc 1) strangers online DON’T know my intentions and 2) I just think my mutuals are really cool lol. So I don’t want to do/say anything ‘bad’ or even embarrassing in their presence yk? And online, their ‘presence’ comprises literally all the time w everything I post

I should probably make a more private account 😅 This one is kind of that (just bc it has far fewer followers than my other blog), and I have one on Instagram with like two people following it that I haven’t touched in a while, sooo maybe I will go back to that for more personal vents and whatnot 🫡 I try not to post anything TOO personal on Tumblr, anyway. I just also really like creating fan content, which sort of inherently puts me in a public space even if I don’t WANT to have an ‘audience’ (regardless of how small that audience is; ik there are people who look up to my writing, and that puts a lot of extra pressure on me, but I don’t want to stop writing, either…. Agh)

Idk this is probably overly personal and also very disjointed bc I just finished writing a 1,800 word essay and my brain is mush lol. I’m just sort of reiterating everything you said. Sorry for making you read all this lmao 😭🙏 But thank you for the kind words, seriously ❤️ I really really appreciate it :’D !!!!!!!

[pugszler]

@ anon

i got your second message but i'm not going to publish it publicly this time.

i worry about whatever you've been told by her. i have no idea what she's said about me so there's no way that i can intervene to give more context to anything. i have my own side of the story too, yknow. b did some things that hurt me a lot too; i doubt she touched on those at all in her retelling.

and okay i literally just wrapped up my therapist appointment and. well fuck, i know you nor b nor any of her other friends are going to listen to me but i'm not as bad of a person as b made me out to be. i can't tell you Why tho bc i don't have a clue what it is she said about me.

i will say that yes, my biggest problem is vagueing, but if you or anyone else reading this rn is able to be empathetic w me, blogging and posting my feelings, every nasty ugly sad angry feeling, is my way of processing my emotions. it's absolutely not always appropriate and if anything i should do it privately, but... it's hard for me. bc i don't have many (if any) close friends that i can comfortably confide in about my heavier issues. unlike b, who i'm sure has dozens of friends to pick from.

i hate talking about this. i hate that you know as much as you know anon. i hate that b decided to tell a whole ass audience a one-sided story about how "horrible" i was when we promised just a month and a half ago that we wouldn't shit talk each other behind our backs. i kept my end of the promise and i'm Going to keep it that way going forth. i'm not going to hurt b anymore. but she's still hurting me bc one of her friends is sending me venomous messages on anon. you're not doing Anyone any good, i hope you realize that, anon.

[t-citurnity-moved]

Some Discourse (???)

DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND YOU ARE FREE TO DEBATE THEM CIVILLY. I will not tolerate hate or aggression on this post.

The community needs to be better.

That’s the short of it and more importantly, that’s the truth.

I’ve always advocated for community improvement, ever since I joined; anyone whose been around on my blog has probably seen me talking about how the community needs to be more aware of how bad it can be at times.

Especially to smaller blogs.

Especially to LGBT+ blog.

Especially to POC blogs.

The community needs to recognise the awful way some of our peers are treated. There are people who do not get much attention, or hell, any at all; there are people that get hate for simply loving fictional fucking characters, same as anyone else in the community.

These people deactivate because the community can be so nasty sometimes; ignorance, bigotry, or simply because they do not feel as if anyone cares about their content, because they do not get any attention from anyone. And often times, these things go hand and hand. It happens so much more often than people think. They’re simply not “popular.” Popularity is so much more than numbers, as well; it requires being “liked” by a majority of people. You can still get hate when you have a huge following.

I am not a popular blog by any means. My followers are still in double digits unlike most of the community and I do not get much attention at all - in fact, some of the attention I got in the past was more than often hate or general nastiness. I’m not a content provider. I cannot speak for people who are. But I can speak for the group that I am apart of. I’m only trying to offer my point of view on things, my feelings on how things work around here and some thoughts on how the community can improve.

I love self shipping. I love seeing what other people post and say about their ships. But honestly, I can see why some people would choose to leave the community. When faced with hate or lack of interest in their content, or even a mixture of both, it’s not hard to imagine why people would want to leave, why they would want to deactivate their blogs, why they would feel like they’re unwelcome in the community.

I have never felt better than I do than when I decided to take my hiatus. I understand what some of these people are feeling, wanting to log off and never come back; I don’t want to delete my blog, because there’s some genuinely good content I’d like to see again, but I have heavily debated leaving and never coming back before. I understand what some of these people are going through. And it is beyond awful.

The only thing these people are trying to do is have fun and enjoy themselves. Just like you. Just like me. And yet they get greeted by nothing whenever they log on, unlike a fair amount of popular blogs (and there are quite a lot of them, I can assure). Even worse, they get greeted by people trying to force them to leave simply because they’re not “typical,” because they’re not “ideal.” Because they do not fit the “mould” of what people think self shippers are supposed to be.

Much of the community operates like a clique and that’s one of the single most disappointing things. It’s such high school shit. And I understand, some of the community is decently young, but there are also plenty of adults that can call out this behaviour, that can talk about why this kind of behaviour isn’t right. But they either choose not to or simply don’t see that content, because other people choose to ignore it, because people refuse to see the bad in the community.

We, as a community, need to improve.

We need to call out those who are nasty towards others; those who send hate, those who are racist, who are homophobic, who are transphobic, who are predatory. Everyone who are, verifiable, awful people. I want to stress how important it is to make absolutely sure we have receipts of these peoples’ awful behaviour. Anons marking themselves as others do not count. This community is so deep into callout culture that it fails to actually look at the real facts and simply chooses to believe what others say without doing their own research. We must do our own research to weed out through the actual awful people instead of taking things at face value and cancelling people who do not deserve it at all. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. If you see someone on a “callout list” or a “block list,” DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH INTO THEM. Learn about them and figure things out on your own.

DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH.

And we have to uplift those in the community who are in the minority. LGBT+ shippers, POC shippers. Shippers whose ships do not fit the “mould” of what people believe ships should. We need to stand up and be there for these people, because they deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. We need to give these people more attention, because they hardly get any at all. And much of the attention they do get, is often hate or people trying to shove them out of the community.

The community needs to be better. That means you. That means me. That means every. Single. Person. Needs to do what they can to make the community better and more open to those who do not fit the mould.

I am so tired.

[jalnandanz]

user fleurated.

hello, i am making this bc i truly have had enough of the shit they have done lol. don't go send hate asks to anyone though, it's not right, whatever they have done.

my main issue here is regarding the c slur that they and their sister have said. i myself am chinese, and i have talk to a few of my chinese moots as well and all of them have all been extremely offended by what bree has said and how she handled the situation. for privacy purposes, i will not be naming them.

first issue: c slur.

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i seriously cannot even explain how much this affects the chinese community and i really have no words. if you genuinely don't know what the slur is, it's "chink".

i then sent in an anon ask about it and wow! she ignored it while she continued answering her mutuals' asks. then suddenly i couldn't send any asks to her! i and i could still send asks to my other mutuals so i can only assume that she had blocked me. typically way of handling a situation! hiding it from moots and blocking the person who called you out.

i then sent in a public ask to her about the same situation, to which she responded with "what". yes. just one word! at this point i really had enough and i sent in yet another ask. bree had privately answered this but i am so fucking appalled by her reply.

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you have said a slur, so i really don't care if that was your older sister or friend. the second part is what really took me off. " i apologise if you do think its offensive or not" excuse me?? please fucking tell me you are joking lol... of course im offended by it ??

i dmed her and these were her replies.

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(to be clearer, the first pic was her sister, enhyxkat, who was sending the message)

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the anon or your past experiences do not fucking give you the right to use a slur you cannot reclaim. you could have answered without using the slur OR the dog eating part. you are asian, but are you chinese? i don't fucking think so!

the fact that you had to answer privately is really weird because i think you just didn't want your mutuals seeing your fuck-up. ofc, maybe it was genuinely because you didn't want to clog your dash. then why aren't you at least apologising?

they have apologised to me on private but its really not about the slur at this point. it's about how bree and her sister replied and how they handled the situation.

second issue: user moatrash

if you don't know, user moatrash had faked her race a few weeks ago, claiming to be korean when she was south asian. i am neither korean nor part of the south asian community but i really, really detest people who do shit like this. also, i don't know if i am the only one who thought her apology was literal ass but whatever lol this isnt the main issue. in bree's carrd, this is what she states in her "do not interact" section.

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yet she is constantly interacting with user moatrash, or liz. she claims that liz had already apologized, but honestly i personally thought the apology was just her giving excuses for her actions. but again thats for another time. why are you friends with an east asian fisher when you seem to strongly object them? it doesn't sit right with me. its like you're picking and choosing just because shes your friend. so just bc you're mutuals, your dni doesn't apply to her? man tell me a better joke than that...

this really shows how she doesn’t care much about the people who's feelings have been hurt by this, and that she also doesn't care about everything that liz has caused to the ea community, as well as her own race.

that's all for now... i have a lot of other people to talk about but .. ☺️☺️ again, don't send hate asks please. she has apologized in dms but i have seriously had enough. that's why i made this post. also thank u to my moots who helped w this ^^

also P.S !!! she was the one who followed and unfollowed me 4 times in the hopes that i would fb but 🤣🤣🤣👍

[knightofmordred]

Why Alexander Vlahos Is Problematic

For those who don't know, Alex Vlahos plays Mordred in S5 of BBC Merlin and Phillipe in Versailles. He is soon to star as Allan Christie in Outlander.

TW // LESBOPHOBIA AND MENTION OF KINKS

This is going to be highlighting the main issues. because of this, i would like to point out a lot more has happened, especially in private, everything that i will be talking about happened over a course of 5-6months.

DISCLAIMER

This is not a "cancelling" post. A lot of people have been asking me about this situation so it is easier to make this post and of course others will be informed too. This is also not a hate post.

I have linked the sources underneath each section, but if for some reason you cannot access them, feel free to reach out and I can send them to you. @lesbian-morgana also did a 20min live video talking about this situation [ x ]

NOTE: if anyone watches the cameo(s) please be aware that @lesbian-morgana goes by the name Luna and they/moon pronouns.

Before i start, i would also like to say that i personally have been involved in what i am going to talk about so yes, i know exactly what i am talking about. I was also a fan of Alex Vlahos for a long time (and also for a short time during all of this too) so i can also speak on what i have observed from him during my time as his fan and have also been able to pick up on his humour and banter/jokes.

APRIL 2020

April 2020 @lesbian-morgana had bought a Cameo from Alex Vlahos asking him to say "morgana is a lesbian and is in love with gwen". in a 34 seconds cameo, Alex proceeded to say "i don't know how factual correct this is but probably not at all, i don't really- i feel quite uncomfortable saying it if im honest but erm yes i guess Morgana is a lesbian and i guess she was in love with Gwen". at this point, Alex is looking visibly uncomfortable and as he says the last line, he is shaking his head as he is saying Morgana is a lesbian and is in love with Gwen. he whispers: " it's a lie, it's a lie. but thank you very much for asking me to say this, i am deeply uncomfortable and i find the whole thing very bizarre, but if it makes you happy, ive....sort of done it"

The Cameo currently has 20.1k views and at that time reached quite a lot of people from different fandoms. his words hurt and invalidated a lot of lesbians.

[ x ]

There were a lot of tags to Alex Vlahos, people replying underneath his tweets, making tweets and mentioning him etc etc.

As a Vlahos stan (at the time) i was aware that Alex does actually see his mentions and also searches his names. I had a bunch of friends who were also Vlahos stans and it was common knowledge Alex sees everything. To the point it became a joke between us all, and almost every time Alex interacted with those who tagged him, even those who simply mentioned him by name w/o tagging. An example - [ x ]

My point in saying that, was it was very likely Alex will have seen all of the upset and hurt from people.

The same day, someone requested a Cameo from Alex, asking him what he meant by his reaction

Around three days later he completed the Cameo. he did apologise and say he never intended for his reaction to come across this way however, he did focus more on his personal opinion about morgana's sexuality and relationships and not so much on his actual words and actions

The Cameo is around 2mins long and so i paraphrased it.

[ x ]

I would also like to note it was a paid Cameo and Alex seemed to be well aware (or aware enough) that his reaction harmed people when completing the Cameo. imo he shouldn't have taken the Cameo money and instead said something on his own terms.

2019-APRIL 2020

Now, i know a lot of people will say oh but he was joking, oh but that might be his humour. let me talk about why this cameo and Vlahos' response is even more of an issue than it already is.

There have been a total of 3 cameos from February 2019 - early April 2020 (before the lesbophobic Cameo).

In February 2019, Alex received a Cameo request asking him to say "Arthur Pendragon died a virgin" he quite happily did so, laughed and visibly enjoyed the request. [ x ]

In March 2019, Alex recieved a Cameo request asking him to give "Merthur rights or say Merthur is canon" he did so and he did so happily. since then, Alex has also happily tweeted merthur is canon (which might i add is one reason why he is very popular in the merlin fandom). [ x ]

Early April 2020, Alex received a request to say that "Arthur has a piss kink". Vlahos did look uncomfortable in the Cameo however it was more of a jokingly uncomfortable look. And well..he did complete the Cameo too. [ x ]

For those who aren't familiar with Cameo, the buyer can buy a Cameo from someone known/famous and make a request for them up to around 150-250 characters. The receiver of the Cameo has a choice on whether to accept and complete the Cameo or decline the Cameo request which in turns refunds the buyer.

MAY 202O

This is where i personally get involved with Vlahos.

May 2020, Alex is evidently silent on Black Lives Matter. it seemed as though he was ignoring the issue as he was active and posting on social media.

30th May 2020, i replied to one of his posts saying "You have 76k followers and i am disappointed that you have not used your platform to speak up about show your support against the injustice that is going on. you have a huge influence on people and your silence is noted"

[ x ]

At this point, i still considered myself to be a fan of Vlahos but at a distance due to the previous issues. I was a disappointed fan and wanted him to listen and do better.

I would like to clarify that i was in no way trying to force him to speak up or tell him what to do. i just wanted him to realise his privilege and do better for the future.

An argument happened underneath my tweet and Alex was tagged throughout

He clearly saw the argument as just a few minutes later, he posted on Twitter a "im not black but i see you" etc post

[ x ]

Underneath that tweet, people started to reply and kindly inform Alex that it is great he is speaking up but resources and links would be more beneficial

One person asked him to post donation links and Alex replied with "i have done so, i don't need to announce it" which obviously wasn't anyone's point in encouraging him to post resources. [ x ]

He eventually posted one link. [ x ]

JUNE 2020 - PRESENT

1st June 2020, Alex blocked myself and a handful of people, including a couple of people who only posted on resource link in reply to Alex or said one thing.

1st June 2020 was also the start of Pride month in the UK.

At this point, @lesbian-morgana hadn't responded to Alex. they hadn't tagged him in anything or replied/commented on anything in regards to the previous cameo.

Alex posted celebrating Pride and of course people were still angry - not because he posted about Pride, please don't misunderstand that - but because of everything that happened just one or two days before and he so easily chose to ignore everything eventhough, black people fought for and suffered for the rights of LGBTQ+. they made Pride. [ x ]

@lesbian-morgana replied underneath his Pride post with a gif of morgana and captioned it "happy Pride to this lesbian" and moon were instantly blocked by Alex. [ x ]

2nd June 2020, it was blackouttuesday on instagram, Alex participated and posted a black square.

I was still following Alex on instagram at this point and saw the post.

I commented with my Versailles account twice. one comment said "can you please post some links or resources, it would help more as a black square does nothing". That comment was deleted. My second comment was just a carrd information link and that was left up.

A fan had commented saying "thank you Alex, we love you and stand with you".

Alex liked that comment.

A Merlin fan commented on his Instagram with "I love you Alex, please don't worry about what is happening on Twitter"

Alex liked that comment too.

[ x ]

Alex has always interacted with fans and usually does quite a lot. Due to the fact I was a fan of his, for a while before all of this happened (before both the Cameo and the calling out), Alex rarely interacted with his fans and seemed to have distanced himself.

There were a few issues in the Versailles fandom on Twitter, to the point he unfollowed all of the fans he was following at the time. He interacted with one or two every now and then but rarely. After the Cameo and when everyone called him out, his interactions with Versailles Twitter increased. Quite a lot of fans he was interacting with were the same fans defending him from April onwards.

For a week or so ahead, Alex blocked more people. Some of these people neither tagged nor @-ed Vlahos, he was searching his name on Twitter and blocking people that way. There was one account who made a small dig at his fans and he blocked the person for that too. [ x ]

16th June 2020, the person who requested the explanation cameo to Alex, reached out to him on twitter. [ x ]

She reached out to him twice, the second time 29th June 2020 [ x ]

She tagged him, explained her meaning behind the explanation request and also explained how and why his original cameo was harmful

Luna and @sapphicguinevere expressed that they are open to talking and educating him. [ x ]

This part that i am going to talk about, there are no set dates for when it happened nor any screenshots or links. The time is an estimation based on how it lines up on the timeline. It was a private matter and nothing was posted or spoken about publicly. Luna has also spoken about this in their live video.

Around Mid June 2020, Alex reached out to zoom call one of his fans privately. to discuss everything that had been going on

They had held Alex accountable for what he did and the harm he caused but was also barely involved in the situation in the first place

They both zoom called and it seemed to have gone well

The person Alex reached out to is a friend of mine, hence why i know details of this info

Vlahos spoke about the issues that had just happened (when he was called out on his silence) and also about the cameo

He said he blocked Luna because moon kept tagging him about lesbian morgana every day which was not true. so either he was mistaken or he lied about that

Any posts which Luna did tag Alex in, it was AFTER he had blocked them. So he wouldn't have seen those tweets anyway.

They were still blocked before and during the time this zoom call took place.

He explained that he wanted to apologise but was nervous incase it made things worse, to which the person he was talking to encouraged him to do so and explained that there is no way it would make things worse.

If im honest i know for me, it was like a sigh of relief. He was going to apologise and address everything that happened and it will all end.

Only myself and a handful of other people (mainly those who were blocked by him) knew about this call and what Alex had said. This was not common or public knowledge.

It was also evident, at the time, that Alex was educating himself. He was reading books [ x ] and spreading awareness about issues on social media more than he did before [ x ] [ x ]

He also seemed to understand our points about his use of platform and realise why we called him out and how he can use his privilege [ x ]

Which was a great thing as it was what we all wanted in the first place - to understand his privilege, educate himself and be able to support others using his privilege and platform.

A couple of days after the zoom call, Alex unblocked everyone he originally blocked. which again showed to us he was serious about making amends and addressing his mistakes

For about a week, everyone was pretty much quiet on the Vlahos situation. we all wanted to give him a chance.

About 2-3 weeks went by and Alex had not said anything, he was active and posting on social media

Things were brought up again.

18th June 2020, i had made an "unpopular opinion" tweet and stated that i thought "Monchevy is sometimes abusive and toxic. they are both men with very strong personalities and feelings and they clashed a lot because of it and at times made each others lives hell" [ x ]

shortly later, Alex re-blocked me

For those who are unaware, Monchevy is a MLM ship in Versailles. Alex plays Phillipe who is the "mon" and Chevalier is the other half. Phillipe was openly gay and a cross dresser. Alex always feels very strongly about Phillipe and used him as an example on how he "is the best ally because of the character i played".

29th June 2020, he re-blocked @lesbian-morgana and @sapphicguinevere

Since the last time he re-blocked three people, nothing has been said or done by Alex. Instead he has ignored everything that happened and has chosen to stay silent.

Fans still tag him and call him out on Merlin Twitter even today. He is more than aware that the fandom dislikes him.

Just a few months ago, an Arthur Pendragon account posted and Alex randomly responded to them. A fan replied back and said "we don't want him in this fandom" and he immediately deleted the tweet. He knows the fandom dislikes him, why we dislike him and he is more than aware of what he could do to solve that, he just chose not to.

EXTRA

13th July 2020, Alex went to Thorpe Park with some friends for one of their birthdays. Thorpe Park is a theme park. The same day, Alex went onto Twitter to complain about the services and the fact he was waiting so long in queues and there were so many people, it ruined his friends birthday. As you can see from the date, we were still in the middle of a pandemic. The tweet is now deleted.

I believe this person had also replied to Alex too but on their own personal account, they tweeted about Thorpe Park and one of their friends planning to go but they aren't. In the second part of the tweet (underneath the first tweet) they said "Just unfollowed an actor I liked due to him just tweeting thorpe park saying how he won't visit them again due to them being unable to handle the capacity and ruining a friend's birthday. I mean what did you expect ?!? Tired of people." [ x ]

I will add that yes on the day Alex went to Thorpe Park, there was a capacity issue. There were too many people allowed into the Park. However, again, we were in the middle of a pandemic, it was not a necessity.

Alex was not tagged at ALL in the above tweets. He was not mentioned by name.

Alex somehow found the original tweet (must have gone onto the person's account after he replied and then saw the subtweet) and replied back with "ANDREW! WHAT A SHAME! NO! DON'T LEAVE! HOW WILL I COPE WITHOUT YOU?". For those who need tone indicators, this was very much a sarcastic response. [ x ]

Another person replied underneath the original tweet and said "You do realise we are still in a pandemic, right?"

Alex replied with "Yeah. You?" [ x ]

21st October 2020, PronounsDay had posted a gif of the LGBTQ+ flags but the lesbian flag was left out

The same day, Alex quote-retweeted with "Be progressive. Be inclusive"

People pointed out the fact the gif missed out the lesbian flag, including his own fans, and therefore it is invalidating and harmful but nothing was done about it.

[ x ]

25th November 2019, Alex did a AskMonsieur on Twitter. This tag is fans ask questions, and Alex replies as Phillipe from Versailles.

A fan asked "If there were any lesbian parties in Versailles? Who is the most punk individual in the court?" [ x ]

Alex replied with "What is a lesbian? And what is a punk? Bontemps - I seem to be surrounded by fools" [ x ]

On the same day, in the same tag, Alex responded to some questions in a sexual way, including a response towards a minor. The question were quite normal and generic ones so there was no reason to give a sexual response [ x ]

31st March 2020, Alex tweeted about doing a Merlin tweet-along. [ x ]

He had gotten the timezone wrong for the UK and responded rudely to a fan who asked. [ x ]

He also did not taken into account of fans outside of the UK and also responded rudely to another fan who asked [ x ]

Not something major of course, but it is plainly rude inconsiderate, and unnecessary to respond that way even if that is his 'personality'.

Another addition [ x ]

EDIT:

This information was giving to me after I posted this. The source was via DMs and would like to be kept private. They were an extra on Alex Vlahos' short film 'Lola'.

The extras were promised a screening of the film when they signed up.

They were not invited and so were not able to attend.

They asked about the screening on the day to which the response was that they could still come but unfortunately only one person made it. They were then told they would organise a future screening so that everyone could attend.

That did not happen.

They were also not given their copies of the film they were promised

FINAL NOTES

I would like to reiterate that this is not a cancelling or hate post. It is simply an informative one.

Please do not interact if you are going to say something hurtful or invalidating. This is still something a lot of us are dealing with and it still affects us even today. Like I said right at the beginning, there are a lot more personal and private things which occurred in regards to Alex Vlahos.

You can ask for any links of screenshots please feel free to.

I am always down to having a conversation about all this - not an argument. I am more than willing to discuss any specific parts or about the post in general.

I know this is a lot to take in, if you have been affected by any of this, whether during the time or after reading this post, my DMs are open to talk and I am here for you <3

some of the accounts which have been used as sources have either deactivated or been suspended meaning the links will not work. if anyone wants access to those which are now unavailable feel free to drop me a message as i have most of the screenshots.

[touyaspeach]

i’m a little confused ab the whole cyancherub situation cause from what it looks like cassie accused another writer of plagiarism only bc they used a very common trope used in fics and refused to solve the situation privately even tho the person she accused reached out to them several times. cassie didn’t even initially reach out to this person privately but instead brought the situation out on the blog inviting hate to the person once her followers figured out who she was talking ab. and then when the person she accused defended themselves bc they were receiving an influx of hate bc of cassie’s accusation all of a sudden they’re in the wrong?? there’s nothing wrong w defending urself when someone accuses u of something as serious as plagiarism. it would be worse if she just ignored the situation so she did the right thing by clearing things up publicly esp when cassie wouldn’t even respond to her messages trying to solve things and asking how she plagiarized her and considering ppl were in her inbox calling her a plagiarizer. the fic she’s talking ab is literally such a common trope and she didn’t create it. y’all are so weird for blowing this way outta proportion and her deactivating is literally her making herself a victim in a situation she created. u can’t start discourse and then get surprised by the outcome

Hi there! I'll try to clear up as much as I can, but know that I'm not directly involved in the situation, I only know what I've personally read and seen.

And I will go ahead an own up to my own bias as Cassie's friend, however I'll try to keep this response as unbiased as possible, okay?

First and foremost, I just don't understand how this whole thing got shifted from, "this person is maybe copying another person's fics, nearly line for line in some instances." to this whole trope thing? Because that's not at all what the concern was.

Cassia knows that tropes are tropes, she's not stupid. She knows that nobody owns anything. That was never even the issue. The issue was similarities crossing fics with similar themes.

Phrases, lines, scenes, those things matching up more often than not was the issue.

And, no, perhaps she didn't reach out when she should have and that's it's own deal, and despite that knowing she'd had Rubi's accounts blocked and didn't receive any messages. But you can't police what people do on their own platforms, especially since Cassie never called anyone out by name. If lines were drawn, it was because others made their own conclusions, not because she sent her fans after Rubi.

And even when Cassia brought it up, she begged people not to flood Rubi's inbox with hate, because that's not at all what was intended. However, not once did Rubi return the same gesture. Therefore, her fans swarmed Cassie's inbox with hate. Let me remind you; Rubi has considerably more of a platform that Cassie does.

If anyone is blowing this out of proportion, it's Rubi's fans who not only flooded Cassia's inbox, but are now sending these types of messages to the people who associate with her and defend her. Regardless of who is right or wrong in this situation, Rubi's fans are showing their asses by being overly aggressive and rude. And it's Rubi's fault for not calling them off, especially since Cassia never wanted this from the beginning.

Before I wrap this up, I do wanna mention that defending yourself from accusations is totally normal and expected. Rubi has every right to try and clear her name as she sees fit, however somehow this thing got boiled down to, "tropes cannot be owned," instead of the core issue of, "this person is taking too much inspiration from my work."

I'd like to link you to Rubi's own post, including the google doc she wrote up with her supposed proof. Here. And let anyone draw their own conclusions. Again, I'm only speaking from the perspective of what I've seen as Cassie's friend. And, naturally, as I do not personally associate with Rubi I'm siding with the person I'm familiar with. I hope I could clear some stuff up.

Overall I think this situation got blown way out of proportion when it could have been handled better, but it's said and done now.

[just-jordie-things]

Can’t Pretend - Richie Tozier

word count: 13,840 warnings: swearing, sexual themes summary: richie and (y/n) share a dirty little secret, and it’s starting to get in the way of her relationship.  but it shouldn’t if it was just a fling, right? based on this song (a/n): about to hit 5.4k so I thought I'd celebrate by posting this ol’ thing :) I really like it I hope y'all do too :3

___

[ love... i have wounds, only you can mend // i guess that’s love… i can’t pretend ]

It was a plain saturday for the Losers.  And by plain, I mean they were chilling in Bill’s bedroom, thankful that his parents were out of town for the weekend because that meant they could raid the liquor cabinet and be a bit louder than usual.

(y/n) was leaning against the mattress, sat on the floor, a beer bottle in hand and a smile on her face.  These were the best kinds of nights, where all they did was talk, and it was all they had to do.

Eddie smacks Richie on his shoulder, but nearly hits his face in his drunken stupor.  And when (y/n) laughs, her head leans a little more into Ben’s leg, which is hanging off the side of the bed where he sat.  She’s laughing loudly into the denim of his jeans, and the material does nothing to muffle the sound.

Everyone else is laughing too, though, so it doesn’t matter.

“Alright, so is anyone aware that in four months, we won’t see each other like this anymore?” Beverly asks, a frown on her face as she takes another drink.  “I mean, what, am I supposed to make new friends?”

“Yeah, good look with that, Ringwald” Richie snorts, and Bev just flips him off, the way she always does when he calls her that.

“We won’t be that far from each other” Ben says to her with a sweet smile.

“And it’s not like we won’t write, too,” Stan chimes in.  “Except you Richie, after we graduate, never fucking talk to me again-”

“Oh, I’ll send you love letters every day sweetie pie,” Richie says before Stan can even finish.  “Don’t you worry, it’ll be like I’m right there with you”

He sticks his tongue out and snickers, while Stan grumbles about needing a break.

(y/n) can’t help but giggle at both boys.  Partially because she gets very giggly when tipsy, and partially because they’re the two funniest people she knows.  Richie grins at her when he catches her laughing, only making her laugh more.

“How are w-we gonna do it?” Bill muses, not really looking for an answer, because there really isn’t one.

“We don’t,” (y/n) shrugs.  “We avoid it until… there’s not really any other option” 

“Dark” Ben mumbled.

“It’s true,” (y/n) argued.  “If we go through this year with the mindset that this is the end, then we’ll push each other away, it’s psychology”

Eddie nods because he was in her class and is pretty sure he remembers hearing that.

“So we just live our best year” He agrees with her.

She high fives him.

“Well you’re already on your way,” Beverly said, and stood up from where she sat next to Mike so she could plop down next to her best girl.  “What, with your fancy scholarship, and your boyfriend” She singsonged the word, and (y/n) wilted with embarrassment.

“Come on Bev-”

“Are you guys gonna stay together?” Stan asks, the gears in his head turning as soon as her boyfriend was mentioned.  “I mean it’s been like… five months, right?”

“Four and a half” (y/n) mumbled, pulling her knees to her chest.

She stares down at her drink, and then takes a long swig.  She had a feeling she’d need it.

Talking about her boyfriend when everyone was around was… awkward.  It was one thing if it was just her and Beverly, but to have all the boys’ eyes on her every time his name came up made her feel hot, like she was being interrogated.

“So you’re kinda serious,” Stan shrugged.  “How many times have you done it?”

She chokes, and coughs for a long moment before catching her breath.

“Stan you don’t get to-”

“Come on, just fess up,” Beverly giggles.  “We won’t make fun! Promise!”

(y/n’s) cheeks go hot, and she knows they’re pink and that she’ll only be picked on more for it.  She locks eyes with Richie, who winks at her, and now her face must be red.

“We- uh-” Her eyes dart away before she can choke and lose her train of thought again.  “We actually um… haven’t… done… that” She says slowly, and with every reluctant word her voice gets softer.

“What?” Eddie screeches.

“No way,” Stan is laughing in disbelief.  “Come on, just give up the number.  What, ten? Fifteen? Twenty-?!”

(y/n’s) eyes are narrowed at him, silently yelling for him to fuck off.

“Really?” Beverly asks, just as shocked as the others.

Well, everyone was surprised.

“But he’s so…”

“Hot?” Eddie offers, only to get nudged in the ribs by the trashmouth next to him.

“I was going to say affectionate,” Beverly answers, staring skeptically at Richie.  “He’s always hanging all over you, how have you not hooked up?”

(y/n) shrugs her shoulders and stares down at her drink again.

“I dunno” She mumbles weakly.

“Has he tried-?”

“This is super awkward, can we be done?” She asked, voice still soft, embarrassed.

“I mean come on, don’t you want to f-”

“Can we stop fucking talking about this, before I’m forced to visualize his dick?” Richie cuts in, faking a gag.  “Oh, fuck, too late, thanks a lot you sluts”

Stan and Beverly are distracted by the comment and burst into laughter while Richie pretends to throw up.

After the conversation ends, and Ben starts talking about the colleges he’s deciding between, (y/n) glances over to her favorite glasses-wearing idiot.  He catches her gaze, and she mouths ‘thank you’.  He just smiles, before diving right back into conversation about why Ben should be an architect and not a poet.

A few beers later and they have to cut themselves off, because if they drink too much then Bill’s parents will notice and they’ll all get in trouble.  They shouldn’t be drinking anymore anyways, because everyone’s relatively tipsy, and with the general excitable mood among the group, drinking more would be a bad idea.

Everyone’s lying on their backs, staring at the ceiling and talking about nonsense.  What was once a serious conversation about their future has turned into a debate about what the most important thing to have when stranded on an island would be.

“A knife, definitely a knife” Mike argues.

“What? Fuck no, a gun” Stanley fights back, thus starting an argument about not having bullets because you can only choose one item.

“Flint? I guess? I don’t fuckin’ know” Beverly says sleepily.  She didn’t care much for this discussion when it started, and forty five minutes later, she still doesn’t.

“I’d bring an issue of Maxim, for sure.  Gotta keep busy you know-”

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie grumbles.  “I’d bring an epipen.  I’m allergic to everything on an island”

“Oh fuck off, you’re not allergic to sand” Richie smacks the boy on his arm for suggesting something so idiotic.

“I’d bring  one of my grandpa’s sheep,” Mike spoke after what seemed like forever of deliberation.  “It’d save his life and I’d have a companion”

“That’s sweet,” (y/n) cooed, smiling delightedly at the idea of Mike wanting a friend more than anything else.  “I’ll take a sheep too, please”

The two break out into laughter for a few minutes, uncontrollable, belly aching laughter.

“You can’t copy Mike, come up with your own!” Eddie scolded, offended that (y/n) tried to break the rules of their made up game.

“Alright, alright, let a girl think first…” (y/n) folded her arms over her head as she squinted, to help her thought process.  “Um… a book”

“A book?” Eddie laughed almost maniacally at her answer.  “Alright, just fuckin’ take a sheep from Mike, that was even worse”

“What? No it isn’t,” (y/n) argued.  “It’ll keep me occupied and entertained, and when it’s done I can read it over again”

“Lame” Eddie muttered.

She reached over to smack him, and sadly Bill got caught in the crossfire.

“You wouldn’t bring your lover?” Stan teased, and she almost hit him too.  “You’d pick a farm animal over your boyfriend?”

“I didn’t think of it like that” She said quietly.

“I don’t get you guys,” Stan says, and she sighs because the conversation has somehow drifted to him, again.  “I mean, it’s been four and a half months, and typically couples get it on for their one month.  But you’ve had four anniversaries and still haven’t-”

“Why are you so interested in my business, Stanley?” (y/n) asked, a bit more defensive than she needed to be.

He raises his hands and pulls an innocent face.

“I’m just worried about you!” He retorts.  “You’re the one in desperate need-”

“I’m not desperate for anything” She snaps.

“Yeah, Stan, she’s not a virgin, (y/n’s) gotten some before” Beverly makes an attempt to back (y/n) up, but it only makes her feel worse.

“What? But he’s her first boyfriend- oh my god, who was it?” Stan asks, way more interested in this topic now.

“Leave me alone” She rolls her eyes and shoves his shoulder.

“Oh god, it must be real embarrassing,” Eddie is giddy for the gossip now, sitting up to join in better.  “Who was it?”

“Cut it out” She says a bit louder, sharp eyes meeting Eddies, a silent threat in them.

“Who was it, Bev?” Eddie asked, deciding to go the source it came from.

But she shrugs her shoulders, and makes an ‘I don’t know’ sound.

“What do you m-mean you don’t kn-know?” Bill stammers out.

“She didn’t wanna tell me” Beverly answers, simple as that.

(y/n) covers her face with her hands.  She wishes she was more drunk than she was, because then maybe there was hope for recovering from this.  Or maybe even forgetting completely.

“Must be real embarrassing,” Richie teases.

She peeks at him through her fingers.

“Bowers?” He asks with a raised brow, and she barks out a laugh.

Everyone laughs then, at the mere idea of anyone hooking up with that nutcase.

“I promised I wouldn’t tell, okay?” She admits after the laughter has died and all attention is on her again.  “It’s private” She adds softer.

“Fine” Stan gives in, not wanting to make the girl anymore uncomfortable.

If they knew anything about (y/n), it was that she kept secrets and promises locked away forever.  She was the most trustworthy person any of them had ever met.  And she’d never break someone else’s trust either.

“But if you’ve done it before, why aren’t you, yaknow, still doing it?” Stan asks, and begins to giggle at his own words.  “I mean, if I had a hot girlfriend, I’d be doing it like… all the time”

“Pervert” (y/n) mumbles.

“Did you just call (y/n) hot?” Eddie asks, and everyone ooohs at his catch.

“Alright, alright! Calm down, of course I did!” Stan announces, and a blush takes over the girl’s face again.  But this time she’s not embarrassed, she’s flattered.  “It’s an observation, okay? Jesus”

She giggles, and leans over to kiss his cheek.

“You guys are so dumb,” She mumbles.  “I love you all so much”

“All I’m asking,” Stan declares, voice loud.  “Is why you’re avoiding it!”

“I’m not avoiding it” She argues, but she knows she’s failed because it’s such a blatant lie, and any sober mind would be able to see that.

Luckily, no one in this room is sober.

“Oh yeah?” Stan scoffs.  “Have you been home alone with him in the last four and a half months?”

“Yeah?” She asks, voice cracking slightly.

“And you didn’t screw him?”

“Watch it” Richie’s voice bites from where he lies a few feet away from them.  Stan pays it no mind, but Bev kicks his leg, and furrows her brow at him, wondering why he gave a fuck what Stan had to say.

The others were either asleep, or didn’t want to step in on the mini argument (y/n) and Stan were having.

Ben and Mike had passed out on the floor a few minutes ago.  And Eddie and Bill just sat and listened to the argument, wishing they could pass out.

“No, I- I didn’t,” (y/n) stammers.  “But so? I don’t want to rush it-”

“Liaaaar,” Stan singsongs.  “You don’t want to hook up with him”

“That’s not true!” She exclaims.  “We-. we’re actually hanging out at his place tuesday night,” She tells him matter of factly.  “Alone!”

“Ooh, good for you,” Stan retorts sarcastically.  “That doesn’t mean shit unless you actually take your pants off”

Her face scrunches up as her eyes narrow at him.  Now she’s angry, because he doesn’t believe her, and he’s not trying to.  So what if she’s lying through her teeth? He’s her friend and he should believe her.

“I’m tired” She announces suddenly, and forces herself to stand up.

She steals one of the few blankets on Bill’s bed that he’d prepared for everyone.  Her balance is a bit shaky as she wraps it around herself, and heads for the door.

“Goodnight” She calls, only once she’s left the room and is heading for the pullout bed in the living room sofa.

The room is silent for a few minutes after she’s left.

“Well fuck, you’re gonna have to apologize in the morning” Eddie mumbles, and San knows he’s talking to him.

“I didn’t think she’d get that pissed,” He replied guiltily.  “I was just messin’, I thought she’d just get embarrassed.  I don’t know what I did-”

“She doesn’t like talking about that stuff, dumbass,” Richie says.  “Shit makes her uncomfortable”

“Well I didn’t know that-” Stan starts to argue.

Beverly stops him before he can start any more drama tonight.

“Don’t worry about it, Stan, she’ll be alright,” She says, and then gets up to get a blanket as well.  “I’ll go talk to her to make sure she really is alright, goodnight”

The boys mumble a ‘goodnight’ back to her, and she descends the staircase to check on her friend, who’s laying facedown on the mattress.

“Oh, hon,” Bev laughs, and lays down next to her.  “Don’t be so upset with Stan, he was just being dumb-”

“I know” (y/n) mumbles into her pillow.

Beverly pulls the blanket she’s brought with her and drapes it over her back, so she won’t get cold while she’s pouting.

“Then what’s troubling you?”

Her words are a bit slurred, but the care is still there.

“I just… I don’t know.  I didn’t have to think about it before and now I can’t stop,” (y/n) admits with a sign.  “And maybe I’m upset because… he’s right.  Maybe I’m upset because he’s write and I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I have been avoiding hooking up with him.  I mean, so much could go wrong and I just… don’t want to have a bunch of drama our senior year, yaknow? I want it to be smooth and easy.  And so far with him our relationship has been smooth and easy, but what if he’s wanted to do it this whole time and I keep dodging him and now he’s gonna break up with me?”

(y/n) lifts her head to turn to her redheaded friend for advice.

But Beverly is sound asleep, snoring softly against her pillow.

(y/n) can’t help but smile a bit, even though she really needed help sorting out her messy thoughts.  But she wasn’t going to bother Beverly by waking her up.

So she carefully crept off the squeaky pullout mattress, and went back upstairs.

Ben and Mike are still asleep on the floor, but someone’s thrown a couple blankets over them.

Stan is on Bill’s bed, facing the opposite direction as Bill, and they’ve both knocked off as well.

Maybe everyone else had more to drink than her, she thinks as she shuts the door to leave them be.  When she turns to head to the guest bedroom, she nearly runs into Eddie.

“Who are you looking for?” He asks right away.

He rubs his tired eyes, and she adores that he looks like a child when he does so.

“Um-”

“Richie’s in bed already,” Eddie says before she can answer.  “If you’re gonna prank him, you might want to wait a few minutes, so you know he’s in a deep enough sleep”

(y/n) chuckles at the unprompted advice, and nods her head.

“Alright... thanks” She says.

Eddie doesn’t say anything else as he pushes past her to go to sleep in Bill’s room.

“You aren’t gonna sleep in the guest room?” She asks with furrowed brows.

“Fuck no, Richie kicks and talks in his sleep.  I’d rather stay on the floor with those two” Eddie answers, and then gives her a small wave before shutting the bedroom door.

She takes a deep breath as she stands in front of the guest room’s door.  And then before she could stop herself, she opens the door, and shuts it quickly behind her as she steps inside.

Richie's laying in bed, arms wrapped around the pillow that his face is pressed into.  He mumbles a slurred ‘who is it?’ into the feathery cushion.  But he knows it’s her before she even answers.  Because as she sits on the side of the bed next to him, he can smell her perfume.

He squints up at her, having lost his glasses somewhere in Bill’s room, and wonders what she’s doing here.

“Surprise” She says weakly, and a slight smirk tugs on his lips.

“What’s goin’ on?” He asks, leaning his face back down into the comfort of the cool pillow.  He was already getting a headache from the four beers he had.  (He’d drank two of the three Eddie had gotten)

“Can we talk?” She asks in a voice so soft that she can only be referencing one thing.

Richie nods, and pats the space next to him with his palm.

She hesitates for just a moment, before giving in and laying down in the spot, grabbing a hold of the other pillow she mirrors Richie’s actions and hugs it under her head.

He doesn’t say anything, just lays there with his eyes closed in the dark and waits for her to go first.

“Was I….” She starts, but then bites her lip and shakes her head as she changes her mind.  “When we…”

“...hooked up?” He offers.

It’s so casual, so quiet, that her heart skips a beat, because she can’t believe he can just say it like that.  Speak their darkest, most carefully kept secret, out into the open like that.

“Yeah…” She mumbled back.  “Was I… I don’t know… good?”

He opens his eyes now, and his brows furrow as he sees her anxious expression.

They hadn’t talked about it since it had happened, which was their deal, but after her argument with Stan he figured she was going to sneak in here and talk to him.  He’s not sure why she looks so scared, though.

“Were you good?” He repeats her question, like he doesn’t understand it.

She nods her head.

“(y/n), of course you were good, you were you,” He chuckles, a genuine smile on his lips.  The compliment, if you could call it that, made her blush.  “He’ll be lucky to have you in his bed, alright?”

“Be honest with me,” She said.  “Don’t just say stuff to make me feel better”

“I’m not” Richie grumbles, laying back down again.

His head his swirling a bit, and with her laying so close to him, it wasn’t helping.

“Why haven’t you done it yet, anyways?” He asks her after it’s been silent for too long.

“I…” She tries and fails to answer the question.  But she’s her most honest self when she’s with Richie, and feels he deserves an explanation for her behavior tonight.  “... was scared” She finishes after a few minutes.

“You’re scared of sex?” He mumbles, and she shakes her head.

“No… just… with him”

“That makes no sense, (y/n/n)”

“I know” She whispers out, and her fingers draw patterns on the sheets.

“You think he’s gonna… hurt you?” Richie asks, because as soon as the thought crosses his mind, he has to ask.

“No, of course not,” She replies, and lifts up his blanket so she can shimmy under it and warm up a bit.  “Sometimes I feel like I just don’t know him” Her voice drops to a whisper again.

Her eyes are focused on his tee shirt, trying to figure out what band is advertised on it while Richie thinks.  He’s not sure what to tell her, because of course he doesn’t want to promote her hooking up with him.  But… the guy’s her boyfriend, so what’s he supposed to do?

“(y/n)....” He sighs, and subconsciously wraps an arm around her.  His hand tangles in her hair, massaging her scalp comfortingly.  “That’s not true, you’ve been together for a while now”

The logic is there, but she’s unconvinced.

“And besides,” He continues, and she looks up at him, meeting his kind eyes.  “When you’re ready, you’ll know,” He says, and he grins before poking her cheek and nose.  “But you already know that”

She giggles softly, swatting away his hand.

“I hate when you’re right, you know,” She says through a yawn.

Without thinking, she leaned her head into his chest.

“What if I don’t want to do it, though?” She asks.  “What if… what if I don’t like it?”

“You hurt my feelings when you talk like you’ve never done it before”

“No more jokes,” She whispers.  “I mean it”

“Then you tell him, and you stop,” Richie answers without missing a beat.  “That’s how it works… you know that, right?”

“S-sure,” She stammers out.  “But what if-”

“No, there’s no ‘what ifs’ about that one, (y/n/n),” He tells her seriously.  “I’m not fucking around, if you want to stop then you-”

“Don’t worry, Rich,” She hums.  “You don’t have to give me the consent talk, that’s not what I mean”

His brows furrow down at her, but she doesn’t see because her eyes are closed and her face is hidden in his shirt.  For a second he’s distracted and wonders if he should be holding her like this when she has a boyfriend.

“What… do you mean, then?”

“What if I’m not… um…” She trails off, clearly embarrassed.

“Come on, don’t hold out on me now” Richie chuckles teasingly.

“... attracted to him… sexually?” She speaks like she’s unsure of her words, and it takes everything in Richie not to laugh out loud.

“That’s not something I can fix, hon” He tells her, and she can tell he’s holding back a laugh.

She’s silent, and Richie hopes she hasn’t fallen asleep, because knows it wouldn’t be right to share a bed for the night.

“I mean you’ve… done other stuff, right?” He asks, and even that seems wrong.  He really shouldn’t even be talking to her about this, but it’s not his fault that he’s the only person she can talk to about this stuff.

(It’s maybe his fault that they slept together in the first place, but surely (y/n) can take some responsibility for that one)

“Not really” She says in a barely audible mumble.

“Not really?” He repeats, confused by the question.  “All you’ve done is-”

“We’ve made out a couple times,” She tells him before she overthinks it and starts to feel uncomfortable.  “That’s it”

“Clothes have never come off?” He asks with a chuckle he can’t contain.

(y/n) shakes her head.

“What the fuck is wrong with-”

“Richie…”

“-him?” He finished anyways, taking her by surprise that he wasn’t trying to bash on her.  “Look, (y/n/n), it’s your relationship, you do what you want to do.  But do you even see a future with him?”

She’s silent again.

And then she shuffles off the mattress, and heads for the door.

“(y/n),” Richie called with a sigh.  “It’s just a question”

She held the open door in her hand, and looked back at him.  He had a guilty but confused look on his face, and was propped up in ed, hoping she’d come back and finish talking.

“I’m tired, Richie,” She said softly.  “Goodnight”

He let out a sigh, regretting having been so forward and pushing her out of her comfort zone.  He hadn’t realized it when he’d asked, but he sure as hell could tell now.

“Goodnight” He said before she could shut the door behind her.

(y/n) was glad that Beverly was fast asleep on the pullout bed still, because all she did for the rest of the night is fuss to get comfortable, only to lay wide awake, overthinking.

Trying to figure out a future with her boyfriend in it. ___

[ oh feel our bodies grow, and our souls they play // yeah love i hope you know how much my heart depends ]

It was loud, it was so loud that the bass in the music playing was ringing in her ears, and making the liquid in her cup ripple.  But that might have just been because she was stumbling around so much, trying to find somewhere to chill out for a minute in this sea of bodies.

Richie Tozier’s hand was holding on tightly to hers, pulling her behind him, acting as a guide through the chaos.  But who was she kidding, he was the chaos.  It was his house party after all.

How he’d even invited this many people, (y/n) wasn’t sure.  It’s not like he knew everyone here, but word of mouth works fast in Derry, and a byob party that had half a dozen kegs and then some, not one student from their school missed it.

Even Stan was here… somewhere.  

It was a bit hopeless to go looking for people in this crowd.

Finally Richie had taken them outside.  There were still a couple dozen people hanging out in his backyard, but at least she could hear herself think, or take a step without bumping into someone.

“Thank god,” She huffed, pushing her hair out of her face and taking a drink.  “I thought I was gonna get trampled to death in there”

Richie chuckles, eyes shining as he watched her finally relax a bit.

“You would’ve made this party worth talking about if you had” He teases her.

“I think it already is,” She replies with a small and nervous laugh.  “The whole school’s here, Rich, I think people will be talking about it for a- who brought a kiddie pool?”

She cuts herself off as her eye catch a plastic pool, filled with eyes and the most beer she’s ever seen all at once.  They definitely hadn’t brought it, although she’s surprised that none of them had thought of it when planning for this party.

“Don’t know” Richie shrugs, and then wanders over to grab them two bottles.

They’d been drinking soda all night, not wanting to get shit faced so they could keep an eye on things.  But they were well past that, and at this point, whatever happens, happens.

She taps her glass against his in a quiet ‘clink’

“Cheers to you, Tozier” She says with a rather sweet smile, the kind that he compulsively smiles back at.

“And you” He replies, before tipping the bottle back and taking a long swig.

The thing about (y/n) was that… well, there was just this thing.  An undeniable, unspoken, electric thing.  There was something about her that drew Richie towards her like a magnet.  Even tonight, he’d shown up at her side, and just like that they’d spent the last two hours together.  She was such a lovely person, which was a rarity in this town.  

He had a feeling that she owned his heart, even though he just had a silly teenage crush on her.  But what had started as a silly crush, an admiration for her beauty, grew into an adoration of her entire being, her soul.  He was falling for her, at a speed from the atmosphere, and he was bound to crash soon.

Her hand reaches out and seizes the sleeve of his denim jacket, yanking him towards her all in one motion.  His heart’s beating out of his chest with anticipation, but as quickly as she’d grabbed him, she was shaking him out of his daze.

“You almost got knocked over,” She tells him, nodding to the pair of drunken boys with their arms slung around one another, stumbling around the backyard, trying to walk in sync.  “You alright?”

“Yeah, sorry, out of it” He answered with choppy words.

He finds the crease between her brows adorable.

“You only took one sip,” She jokes, poking at his bottle.  “Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?” She asks, holding four fingers in front of his face while giggling.

Richie rolls his eyes, grabbing her hand to pull it out of his face.

But he doesn’t let go.

And for the next hour, as they talk and drink a little and dance, her hand remains in his.  She didn’t say anything about it, which he’s silently thankful for.  Maybe she feels safer when attached to him, knowing she’s not going to get sucked into the crowd and lost.  Or maybe she just… wants to.

They’re dancing in the living room, to a song neither of them knew, with a hundred strangers, when she finally mentions it.

“You’re blushing!” She announces, albeit a bit tipsy.

There’s a grin on her face, and with her free hand she pokes at the pink on his cheeks.

“Cut that out- what’s with you and jabbing your fingers at me today?” He says, trying to brush it off and get her to forget about it.  It doesn’t work.

She bursts into a fit of laughter, and her body leans towards his a bit as she does.

She only lets go of his hand to wrap her arms around his neck and spin them around excitedly.

“You never blush,” She says.  “So what’s on your mind?”

She sounds bubbly, as if his answer is amusing to her, and she’s impatient to hear it.  Richie shakes his head, and wills the heat in his face to go away, but it doesn’t.  Of course it doesn’t, she’s standing a few inches away from him and staring at him with those round and curious eyes that he loves and-

“You” He responds with a shrug.

His voice is cool and casual as ever, but he’s losing his shit on the inside.

Her lips form an ‘o’ as she processes the single word.  For a second he regretted speaking, which was kinda normal for him, but then her eyes lit up and she giggles with delightful bashfulness.

A breath of a laugh escapes his lips as he laughs nervously with her.

“You’re adorably funny” She says, and takes him by surprise when she leans up on her toes, cups her face in one hand, and presses a kiss to his other cheek.

When she lands back flat on her feet, she’s amused by the grin that she’d put on his face.

“Drinks?” She asks, and when he pulls a face, she clarifies, “Non-alcoholic drinks”

“Fine” He agrees, and when they head out of the living room, her hand reaches out and grabs his, slotting her fingers through his with ease.

He glances down to her when she does so, but she just gives him a big and innocent smile.

They find their friends in the kitchen.  Beverly and Eddie are quite… shit faced, while Bill is drinking water and trying to get them to have some as well.  From what Richie and (y/n) could tell, his efforts were useless.

“Let them be,” (y/n) says, ruffling up Eddie’s hair with her free hand, only to get swatted away.  “They’ll pay the consequences in the morning”

Bill shrugs and hums in agreement, but he tries to get them to drink something.

“What’s goin’ on here?” Bev asks, pointing at Richie and (y/n’s) conjoined hands.

Richie starts to let go, but she squeezes his hand and smiles almost proudly at her drunk friend.

“Well I don’t wanna get lost” She says confidently.

Beverly shrugs, not having the attention span to ask further questions, or really care.

“Is that- are you- is that rootbeer?” Eddie asks, and he squints at the can in (y/n’s) hand, like he can’t see.  “You’re at a- a fuckin’ party and you’re drinkin’ a soda?”

“Leave her alone Eddie Spaghetti” Richie chides, smacking the shorter boy on the shoulder.

“Yeah, Eddie Spaghetti” (y/n) adds in a mocking tone, and giggles to herself at the nickname.

Eddie hates it, but he’s drunk off his ass, so there’s not much he can do about it.  He’ll try to throw hands with Richie tomorrow.

Bev starts to tell a story about a fight she saw on the front lawn.  It’s missing parts, and she’s having a hard time remembering most of it, but they listen because it’s funny and interesting.

(y/n) sat herself on the kitchen counter, drink in one hand and Richie’s hand in the other, laughing along and encouraging her to continue.  Even when she finishes her story, she’s not sure what happened, or who was even fighting, but it doesn’t matter.

“It’s l-late,” Bill says, eyeing the stove that reads 2:15.  “I think I should go”

“You’re not staying the night?” (y/n) asked.

Richie’s parents would be gone for another day, leaving plenty of time for the Losers Club to hang out, and clean up the trashed house everyone else left behind.

“No, I sh-shouldn’t,” He says.  “B-but I’ll come b-back tomorrow to help with th-the mess” He adds in a reassuring tone.

“Alright Billy,” (y/n) reaches her arms out towards him, prompting him to hug her goodbye.  She embraces him tightly for a short moment.  “See ya tomorrow”

He gives a small wave, and then offers a ride to Eddie and Bev.  They both decide to keep drinking and crash at the house.  He’s not surprised.

“I feel like dancing!” Beverly declares, and is out of the kitchen before anyone could say a word.

“Man is she fuckin’ wasted” Eddie chuckles.

Richie and (y/n) burst out laughing at the irony, but don’t tell him why it’s funny when he asks why they’re laughing their asses off.

Eddie winds up sitting on the kitchen floor, and then laying on it, cradling an empty bottle of vodka to his chest.

“You gonna sleep down there with him?” Richie asks (y/n), and gives the asmathic on the floor a gentle kick.

(y/n) giggles and shakes her head, and without thinking, reaches out to grab onto his hands again.  With a small tug, he steps closer, almost standing between her open legs.  But he doesn’t dare move that close.

“No…” She answers after a minute.  “There’s no way in hell you’re making me sleep on a floor”

“Well, if the beds are all taken-”

“Richard Tozier” She says his name firmly, “If you don’t give me a bed to sleep in like a human fucking being I swear I will-”

“You’ll what, sweetheart?”

His voice drops an octave, and his head cocks to the side a bit as he stares at her skeptically, wondering what it was she was about to say next.  When her mouth is left hanging open, he smirks a little.

“Come on (y/n/n), you’re not the threatening type,” He speaks at a normal volume again, but his closeness and the look on his face doesn’t fade.  “Besides, you got nothing on me”

“Oh, I doubt that-” She tries to argue, but he cuts her off again.

“Just try to think of something, you can’t.  My record’s squeaky clean”  

He leans a bit closer with every word, but the movement is miniscule, and she’s probably the only person in the room who could have noticed it.

As soon as he eyes wander to his lips, they dart right back up, but it’s too late, he caught the glance, and his smirk widens.

Richie quirks a brow in question, like an asshole.

She sets her soda can on the counter next to her.

“You really value me so little that you’ll make me sleep, where, on the floor? The bathtub?”

“I think the tub is still occupied, actually,” Richie says.  “And the floor, well, it’s covered in trash and…” He looks down to Eddie, who’s very close to passing out.  “... more trash”

(y/n) hits his chest with the back of her hand.

“That was for Eddie” She says, and Richie laughs.

She’s got an offended look on her face, and fuck if it wasn’t the cutest thing he’s ever seen…

“I’m just saying sweetheart…” He shrugs his shoulders innocently.  “Your sleeping options aren’t looking great.  Pretty much everywhere is taken”

She’s quiet for a moment, and he can tell she’s hesitant, because she bites down on her lip, and she has a hard time keeping eye contact.  He doesn’t rush her to say whatever’s on her mind, just stands there, unmoving, and waits.

“Show me a bed, then, Tozier”

It’s soft, whispered like a secret, and unsure.

They’re both still for a beat, each waiting for the other to back out.

But neither do.

So he offers her his hand, which she gladly takes before hopping off the counter and following closely behind him.  Through the thinning crowd in the living room, and then up the stairs.

When they’re in the hall, he casts a look over his shoulder to her, and her eyes meet his instantly.

There’s something serious in them that he’s never seen in her before.  Like she was trying to tell him something, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it is.

Her free hand grabs onto the sleeve of his jacket, tethering herself to him.  There was nowhere to get lost up here, everyone was downstairs.  Except for the boy passed out in the bathtub, and Richie was fairly certain a couple passed out in his parent’s bedroom.  But right now, they were alone.

He brings her to his room, carefully peeking in to make sure no one was in there, before letting her inside.  He’s quick to shut and lock the door.

(y/n) gives him a look at the sound of the lock clicking, and his face flushes.

“I mean- it’d be weird if some frisky couple were to come in- while we’re in here” He defends his actions.

She just hums, and wanders over to his dresser, where his fish tank sat.  She smiled at his goldfish before swirling the tip of her finger in the water.

Richie just admires her while she glances over his things.  The picture frames, the trinkets and forgotten things he’s left there.  She looks so natural standing there.

It wasn’t often that she was in his room, Richie’s house isn’t somewhere that everyone hangs out at, and (y/n) and Richie rarely hang out alone.  It was kind of nice to have so much time with her tonight, just her.  And still, he wanted it all the time.

She can feel his eyes on her, and when she turns around, she isn’t surprised that she was right.

She gives him a small smile, and clasps her hands together behind her back.  It was a nervous habit she had, squeezing her hands together tightly, and Richie loved seeing her do it now.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been in here,” She says, desperately trying to fill the silence.  “Hasn’t changed much though” She added in a quieter voice.

He doesn’t say anything, and it only amps up her nerves.

And then he strides over to her, rather quickly, and her breath caught in her throat as he’s suddenly towering over her, face a mere few inches away from hers.  

She’s frozen, staring at him wide eyed and waiting for him to do something.

She’d thought he was going to kiss her, and when he didn’t, hear heart only beat harder in her chest.

“What?” She asks, wondering what he was doing if he wasn’t going to make a move.

“Nothing” He shakes his head, and her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“What are you doing then?” She questions him again, voice a hundred times softer.

He gives her a playful smirk, and she almost frowns at him, annoyed by the teasing.

“I’m not doing anything” He hums with a shrug.

She rolls her eyes, done with the games, and steps away.  She needs a breath.  Or two.  Two very deep breaths.

But before she can, Richie’s hand shoots out and grabs her wrist, pulling her back so rough that she collides into his chest, making them both stagger for a brief moment, until his lips crash down into hers.

She’s just gotten her balance back when he pulls away, staring at her expectantly, waiting for her to tell him to stop.

Her lips are parted and she’s panting softly, still in shock, and her eyes flutter open to meet his.

She doesn’t tell him to stop, instead, she leans up on the tips of her toes to kiss him again, a much longer kiss that she wished he’d begun with.

They pulled away at the same time.

“We can’t tell the others!” They both rush out the words so fast, so panicked, but it disappears as they register the other agrees.

And then all at once they’re kissing again.  His hands are gripping her hips, keeping her pressed completely against him, while hers are tangled in his hair, combing and gripping at his strands of curls.

Their lips move so feverishly, both desperate for every second to be fulfilling.  They knew this was a once in a lifetime chance, that this was their only chance, and it had to be perfect.

They part for a few seconds, so (y/n) can catch her breath.

His nose prods against hers, before he takes her cin between his thumb and forefinger, turning her head to the side so that he can trail a line of kisses along her jaw, tracing up to the sweet spot just below her ear.

He bit the soft skin, because he couldn’t help himself.  She gasped softly, and then giggled at the delightful and ticklish feeling of his mouth against the spot.  Her hands tighten a bit in his hair.

Eventually, once he’s left a decent purple mark on her neck, she tugs on his hair, pulling his lips back to hers needily.  She’s delicate as she glides over the seam of his lips with her tongue.  Richie isn’t so sweet as he gladly tangles his own tongue with hers.

When she’s the one to win the battle for dominance, she smirks against his lips.  But Richie’s quick to retaliate, turning her suddenly, and pushing her backwards until she runs into the wall.

Her lips detach from his as she grunts at the surprise contact, and her eyes shoot up to his out of annoyance.

“Jesus, fucking watch it” She mutters.

She grabs the collar of his jacket and yanks his lips back down to hers anyways, already craving more contact.

Kissing Richie Tozier is exactly as she expected, or more accurately dreamed, it would be.  Bliss.  Passionate.  Hot.

She hastily shoves his jacket down his shoulders, and then practically clawed the sleeves off of his arms.  As soon as it was discarded, his hands slammed into the wall on either side of her head, caging her in.  She loves it.

She wonders if he’s really gotten her addicted to his lips in a matter of two minutes.

After a few more kisses, she confirms that he has.

Her arms wrap around his neck and she can’t hold back a smile.

They part for a moment, and then rush to his bed.

(y/n’s) giggling as Richie crawls over her, one hand caressing her cheek while the other is pinned to the bed as not to crush her.  His thumb brushed over her cheekbone sweetly.

“You’re sure?” He asks, suddenly worried that he was rushing her.

But she nods, excitedly, and pulls his face down so she can kiss him again.

“But like-” Richie pulls away.  “You’re sure you’re sure? Like absolutely positive?”

“Richie,” She laughs, shaking her head a bit.  “Yes”

And that’s how it happened. ___

[ but i guess that’s love, i can’t pretend… i can’t pretend... ]

(y/n) had known Richie pretty much her whole life.  And they’d always gotten along, despite his big mouth and his tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  She found it endearing that he would call her hot stuff and then his face would go bright red, knowing he’d made a mistake.

But the thing was, that changed the day after they’d hooked up.  They were still friends, they still hung out, and it wasn’t necessarily awkward, but it was different.  He didn’t call her cute names anymore, not even sweetheart.  He stuck solely to his nickname for her.

She wasn’t sure if it was because of their incident, or because she was seeing someone.  It often felt like she was walking on eggshells around him, unsure of what to say or do.  It was like as soon as they’d crossed the line between friends and more than friends, she wasn’t sure how to go back to being just friends.

And she hadn’t ever thought of Richie as boyfriend material.  Even when they’d hooked up, she hadn’t considered the idea of being with him romantically.  Sure, he was attractive and funny and… charismatic, exciting, and somehow tender at the same time-”

“Babe..? Babe?”

(y/n) snapped back to reality, spinning around to see her boyfriend standing behind her.  He gave a short laugh before nodding to the dish in her hand that she must have been scrubbing for a few minutes now.

“Daydreaming?” He asks, while she bashfully set the very clean plate on the counter.

“Something like that” She replied, and went on to cleaning the next dish.

They’d had a nice dinner, one they both prepared.  She thought it would be fun to cook with him, maybe they would even listen to music and dance around the tiled floor.  But her boyfriend wasn’t that kind of guy, and this wasn’t a romantic comedy.

Richie would dance in the kitchen with me-

“So!” (y/n) spoke, a little too loud as she tried to rid her own thoughts from her head.  “Movie?”

Her boyfriend grinned, and gave her a thumbs up before leaving the kitchen and heading to the living room to pick out a good movie for them to watch.

(y/n) went back to distracting herself with doing the dishes.  But her pesky thoughts kept on getting in the way of her task.

Thinking of Richie in a romantic light made her feel dazed.  He was Richie.  Trashmouth Tozier, the boy she grew up with that was infamous for trying to ride his bike off the cliffside at the quarry.  He wasn’t someone you had a crush on, he was someone you always had a dumb story about.

But besides that, it simply wasn’t fair of her to think of him this way.  They had both agreed that what they had was a one time thing, and it didn’t mean anything to either of them.  They were just friends, and that was all either of them wanted to be.

At least, that’s what she’d always told herself.

But when she thought back on last summer, all she could remember was how badly she wanted him to kiss her that whole night.  And when he finally had… it felt like she was flying.

Drying the last dish, she left it on the counter, and forced herself to relax on the couch with her boyfriend.

Whatever movie he’d picked, she’d never heard of, and it only took seven minutes of watching it for her to realize why.  It was boring.

She was so damn near close to passing out, even though he seemed excited to share it with her.

“Hey,” She hummed after half an hour of forcing herself to stay awake.  He hummed in response, but didn’t look away from the television.  

So she took matters into her own hands, and turned his head so she could kiss him.

She poured all of the passion that she could into the kiss, hoping to convey that she wanted him, and she wanted him now.

But how could she do such a thing when it wasn’t true? She simply wasn’t convincing enough.  Not to him, or herself.

Defeated, she pulled away from him, and by the look on his face, she knew that he sensed her disappointment.  Which was ironic, because he had never been in sync with her emotions in the last four and a half months they’d been together.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

There was a deep frown on her face, and her eyes were so apologetic that he just knew what was coming next.

“I’m sorry” She mumbled out.

“(y/n)...?” He was hoping that by some miracle she wasn’t about to break up with him.

“I can’t do this anymore” She finished weakly, voice cracking a bit as her throat burned with tears.

“What do you mean?” He asked.  “What’s wrong? What happened?”

She didn’t say anything, just shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to keep herself from crying.  It would be pathetic if she broke up with him and she was the one to cry about it.

“Whatever it is I can work on it, we can fix it-”

“No, you can’t-”

“Yes I can-”

“You can’t fix this!” She shouted, not meaning to come off as angry, but her emotions had flustered her and it was making her frustrated.  “Because there’s nothing to fix, there’s nothing here” She clarified, her hands flying between them.

“What do you mean there’s nothing here?” He asked, sounding broken.  For a moment, she felt bad for saying something so cruel.  “Is there someone else?”

And then her guilt disappeared.

“What? Of course not-”

“Well there- there has to be!”

“Well there isn’t!” She shouted back.  “Jesus Christ, don’t make this more difficult than it has to be,” She rolled her eyes.  “I don’t feel anything, anything, for you! I thought with time that I could learn to love you, but I haven’t.  There’s no spark-”

He seized forward, taking her face in his hands and kissing her frantically.

But just as soon as his mouth crushed over hers, she shoved his shoulders with all the force she could muster, and leapt off of the sofa.

She was stunned to silence at first, surprised that he’d done something so dramatic and… disgusting.

“I’m done,” She said, heading for the door, and putting on her shoes and coat with lightning speed.  “Don’t fucking call me- don’t talk to me at school, I’m done”

He tried to call after her, but she slammed the door behind her as she stormed out, and ran down the sidewalk, just in case he had the idiotic idea to chase after her.

She slowed at the end of the block, mentally striking herself upside the head at the thought.  Of course he wouldn't chase after her.  It would be an act of passion for him to pursue her, and he would be in denial to think he was any more in love with her than she was with him.

It dawned on her that she’d been in denial for the past four months for thinking she could learn to love him.  You can’t learn to love anybody, it has to come naturally.  And there wasn’t one natural thing about their relationship.

She wrapped her arms around herself to keep warm in the chilly december air, and walked the rest of the way home.  She’d had enough of today, and just wanted to crawl into bed, and try not to cry. ___

When the doorbell rang, Richie ignored it.  Surely his parents would get it, and he could stay in bed.

When it rang again, he shoved his pillow over his head.

It wasn’t until the third time the sound rang that he remembered his parents were at an event in Augusta tonight.

So with a groan, and the realization that whoever it was, wasn’t going to go away, he dragged himself out of bed, and down the stairs.

It was almost midnight, who the fuck was a the door? He decided if it was some freshman ding-dong ditching him, that he’d run them down and ruin their shit.

When he whipped open the door, he also opened his can of whoop ass on the unsuspecting freshman.

“Do you realize that it’s the middle of the fucking ni-”

He shut up real fast when he realized it was (y/n) standing there, who now looked incredibly taken off guard to have been greeted so harshly.

“(y/n)?”

It was only then that he realized she was crying softly.

“Oh- oh my god, I’m sorry-  I thought you were-”

“It’s fine” She said, and then sniffled quietly.

“What- what are you-”

“I’m sorry, it’s not r-right of me to show up in the middle of the night,” She whimpered a little bit, and wiped her sleeve over her cheeks to get rid of her tears.  “I should go home-”

“No,” Richie reached out, taking her wrist and tugging her inside.  “Come in, stay” He rushed the words out while shutting the door, not wanting her to leave, and especially not like this.

She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to stop her own shivering.  She didn’t even want to look at Richie while crying, but at the same time-

“So what’s going on-?”

Before he could even finish talking, she threw her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder.

Richie stumbled a bit from the sudden force of her hug, but wrapped his arms around her nonetheless and hugged her tightly.

It was obvious that she was trying to stop crying in front of him, but she just couldn’t help it.

“Did something happen?” He asked, but received no answer.  “Are you hurt?”

He could feel her tears seeping into the fabric of his tee shirt.

“Hey, sweetheart,” He called softly, and pulled her away to look at her.  She kept her eyes shut, which made him chuckle, but eventually she looked up at him.  “Come on, (y/n/n),” He hummed.  “Talk to me”

She took in a deep breath, and Richie mentally prepared himself for whatever was going to come next.  It must be serious if she came to him instead of Beverly, or Eddie.

“I couldn’t have sex with him” She murmured.

Richie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, and confusion, and a feeling he wasn’t quite sure of.  He never would have guessed that’s what had her so distraught.

“Um…”

“I know,” (y/n) cried out, tears streaming down her cheeks again.  “It’s pathetic, I’m so pathetic!”

“(y/n),” Richie said, setting his hands on her shoulders so she would calm down.  “You’re not- where is this coming from? Why are you so upset about this?”

It took her a minute to catch her breath, and her tears hadn’t really stopped flooding, but at least she could speak again.

“I broke up with him” She admitted.

Richie’s eyes widened, and again, she’d done what he’d least expected.  Her eyes were darting between his, trying to figure out what he was thinking.  But he looked so shocked, she couldn’t tell.

“Do you think I made a mistake?” She asked in a murur, her hands resting against his chest, and her body gravitating towards his a bit more from the sensitive question.

“I…”

He was having a hard time maintaining eye contact with her, his brain moving far too fast and his train of thought going in too many different directions for him to comprehend what he even thought.

“You do, don’t you?” (y/n) asked defeatedly.  “I should’ve tried harder- maybe I could have loved him-?”

“What? (y/n), no, don’t think like that,” He scolded her gently.  “If you didn’t feel anything, then that’s it, that’s the end, it didn’t work”

She stares down at her feet.

“(y/n)...” Richie sighed, lifting her chin softly with his hand.  “Did you even like him?”

She shrugged her shoulders, which was answer enough.

“Oh, (y/n),” His thumb stroked gently against her jaw, before he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her again.  “If you didn’t like him there was never even a chance of you falling in love- that’s just not how it works sweetheart”

(y/n) grabbed the back of his shirt in her fists, just wanting to hold onto him for a few moments longer.

“How’s it work?” She mumbled into his shoulder after embracing for a few moments.

“Well first of all, you don’t learn to do it, it just happens,” He chuckles, and his hands begin to rhythmically rub her back.  “And you won’t find them boring.  That guy was a sack of fucking potatoes (y/n/n) I don’t know what you were doing with him-”

“Yeah yeah I get it,” She cut him off before he could go on.  “What else?” Her voice was so soft, so full of curiosity for where these kind words were coming from, that she just had to know what more Richie thought about the subject.

“Well…” He hummed, still rubbing her back as he thought.  “You typically enjoy their company, more than anyone else’s, even if you won’t admit it,” He was thinking out loud.  “And they’ll always be the prettiest thing in your eyes- even when they won’t stop crying all over you” He teased.

She glared up at him, and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

“Come on, be real,” She said.  “He was nice, and cute, and he really liked me, why wasn’t there a spark?”

He shook his head at her.

“Like I said.  Can’t learn to love someone, and you can’t force what isn’t there,” He shrugged.  “I’m sorry though.  You’re clearly bothered by it”

She wanted to explain that she wasn’t bothered by the breakup at all.  She was bothered by the mixup in her feelings.  By what she thought to be true- but wasn’t quite sure yet.

“You want tea? Or something?” He offered after she hadn’t spoken for a few beats.

“No,” She shook her head, and then stepped back from him.  “A blanket would be nice though? I had to walk the whole way here and it’s freezing”

Richie chuckled, and nodded.

“‘I’ll get one from upstairs.  Be right back”

He headed off rather quickly, taking the steps two at a time to get a blanket from his room.

The one time she’d stayed overnight, she’d really liked one of his- and he’d know, because she hogged it, and he had to wake her up to get her to share.  So he figured that one would do fine.

At the sound of a soft knocking at his door frame, he turned to see (y/n) standing there.

Her eyes were wandering around his room, mapping it out like it was her first time here.  However, she hadn’t been here since…

He didn’t miss the blush on her cheeks when her gaze landed on his bed, the covers messed up from his attempts to sleep earlier.  And then finally, she looked at him.

“Oh,” She smiled, and walked into the room, taking the blanket from his hands.  “You remembered” She said with a small laugh as she wrapped it tightly around herself.

It was still a little bit warmed, and smelled so distinctly like Richie, it made her want to melt into it.  And she nearly did for a moment.

“Well how could I you almost made me freeze to death that night”  He muttered teasingly.

“Fuck off, I did not” She played back, but her voice was much gentler than his.

He gave her a look as if to say ‘you did though’, which she only rolled her eyes to.

Deciding it’d be best to ignore him, she walked over to his dresser to excitedly play with his fish.  It didn’t do much, but it did swim back and forth in front of her finger, which was amusing enough.

“You… want to watch a movie?” Richie asked.

He didn’t want her to leave, but he didn’t know how to offer her to stay the night either.

“Sure” She answered, and followed him downstairs.

Richie made her pick the movie, that way whatever they watched she wouldn’t lose interest in.

“What?” She’s asked when he tried to leave the room for popcorn.

“I said pick whatever you want so you actually watch it and enjoy it” Richie repeated himself, and was in the kitchen before he could see her face change expressions.

Her heart skipped a beat in her chest, and all she could do was stare at where he stood with his back to her.  She didn’t even bother looking at his DVD collection, and followed him into the kitchen.

“You want me to pick a movie I like?” She asked him.

Richie gave her a weird look over his shoulder as she set the timer on the microwave.

“What? Yeah” He answered.

“But you’ll hate it,” She said matter-of-factly.  “It’s a chick flick, it’s real cheesy, not even Eds would watch it with me”

“Okay?” Richie repeated.  “You setting me up to hate it?”

She stared at him skeptically, and Richie had a similar look on his face, but only because he was very confused.

“Just pick a movie, (y/n/n), anyone’s fine” He chuckled.

He pulled the bag of popcorn out of the mic when it beeped, and dumped it’s contents into a large bowl.  When he turned back around, (y/n) was still standing there.  His brows furrowed, and he popped a kernel into his mouth.

“Would you dance with me?” She asked him.

Her volume was so soft he almost didn’t catch what she’d said, but when he processed the words, he was sure he’d heard her wrong.

“What?”

“Would you dance with me?” She repeated, a bit more clearly.  “If I asked?”

“Is…. that what you want to do?” Richie spoke unsurely, trying to figure out what part of the breakup process ‘dancing’ would fall under.  He shoved more popcorn into his mouth.

“I just wanna know” She shrugged.

“I mean, sure, but then the popcorn would get cold, it’s only good when it’s-”

“Richie” She mumbled, and by some miracle he actually heard her, and stopped rambling.  He knows from the way she’s staring at him, and the sudden softness in her voice that something’s up.  He waits for her to continue, but she doesn’t.

“What?” He feels like he’s lost, because he really has no idea what’s going on with her tonight.  This breakup had really thrown her for a loop, he supposed

“Nothing” She shook her head, and before he could question her about her strange behavior, snatched the popcorn bowl and made a break for the living room.

When they got settled on the sofa and the movie (y/n) picked began to play.  They were sat side by side, the bowl of popcorn separating them.  She tucked her feet up underneath her in an attempt to be more comfortable, and kept on fussing with the blanket.  It was like no matter how many times she readjusted, she just couldn’t get settled.

Eventually, she sighed, and looked over at Richie.

Low and behold, he was completely wrapped up in the plot of the movie, and hadn’t noticed a thing.  (y/n) smiled at this, loving that he’d actually gotten into her lame romantic comedy.  She leaned her head back on the cushion as she admired him.  He was so serious when he was focused on something, his jaw set in place, eyes trained on the screen.  It was so cute how drawn into the movie he really was.

Something happened that made him laugh, and he turned to (y/n) to crack a joke about it, but whatever he was about to say was lost on him when he caught her eyes already locked on him.

“Would you do it again?” She asked, before he could think of anything to say.  He doesn’t have to ask her to clarify what she means, because he knows, he can tell by the way she’s studying him.  “Ever?” She adds in a mumble after he’s been quiet for just a beat too long.

“Well, that’s a trick question now isn’t it?” He chuckles, but she shakes her head.

“No,” She speaks softly, “It’s not, I’m just wondering,”

She’s looking up at him so innocently that he wonders what sparked this question.  Not that he hadn’t been thinking about it every minute of every day for the past four and a half months or so.  He just didn’t think it ever crossed her mind.  They had sworn to each other that it was a one time thing, no pesky strings or feelings attached.  And Richie had thought she’d stuck to that promise pretty well- mostly because not a week later she’d gotten asked out, and then she dated the guy for a while.  

“There’s no wrong answer, Rich,” She giggles, a nervous little sound that was the result of her heart doing backflips in her chest.  “Really”

His eyes flicker between her impatient ones, testing to see if that were really true.

“Kind of” He says.

Her brows furrowed, signaling that there apparently was a wrong answer, and he’d said it.

“Kind of-?”

“Well, there’s a lot I’d do differently” He muses with a shrug of his shoulders, before she could get upset and ask him just what the hell ‘kind of’ means.

She angles her body a bit more towards his, waiting eagerly to hear what he has to say.  But he gives her a confused look.

“What would you do differently?” She asks.  She sounds restless, and Richie chuckles to himself.  “Come on, really”

“For starters, I wouldn’t have chosen to do it at my own houseparty.  Someone busted the coffee table you know, and I blame you for that-”

“What else?” She asks abruptly.

“Alright well,” Richie huffs, deciding there was no turning back now, because she was already more than eager to hear what he was thinking.  “Also probably should’ve been a little more sober, just a little,” She laughed quietly, but didn’t speak so that he’ll keep talking.  “And I would’ve grabbed an extra blanket, had I known you were a blanket hogger”

She laughs again, and this time he laughs with her.  It’s a sweet moment, for it being so vulnerable.

“And I would’ve made sure you didn’t go in the morning” He confesses, in the midst of their laughter.  (y/n’s) laughter stops instantaneously.

“What?” She murmurs, like she’d heard him wrong, because she must have heard him wrong.

“Yeah,” He shrugs.  “I wouldn’t have let you go”

She blinks, stunned.

“You wanted me to stay?” She asks, a sweet little whisper that was bound to make everything come crashing down.

“Of course I did,” Richie chuckles.  “I’d be an idiot to let you- I was an idiot to let you go.  I hated that feeling,”

She’s silent again, her lips parted as the more he explained himself, the more surprised she was.

“It felt like- like I’d made the biggest mistake of my life- and trust me sweetheart, sleeping with you was a miracle- but if I could do it over again I wish that I could’ve...um…”

She’s waiting, hanging on to every word he spoke.  She doesn’t realize that she’s leaning closer to him, too antsy to wait for him to find his voice.

“(y/n/n) if I’m being honest then I would’ve told you how I felt- about you- that night”

“How you felt about me?” She repeats in disbelief, and then sits upright on the couch, realizing they’re only a few inches away from one another.  

Richie watches her as she takes the popcorn bowl and sets it to the side.  And then leans back in towards him again, giving him her undivided attention.

“And how did you feel about me?” She murmurs.

Her hands set on his wrists, grasping onto them softly as his hands reach out to wrap around her waist.

“How didn’t I feel- Jesus I liked you so much I lost my fucking mind when you wanted me too”

Once he’s holding her firmly, she lets go of his hands to rest her palms on his shoulders, tilting up towards him to be more at his height.  Even sat on the couch Richie practically towered over her.

“I didn’t know it was more to you than a quick fuck” She hums.  Her voice is too sweet to be saying something so filthy, and it makes him chuckle just a bit.

He couldn’t help but tug her hips forwards, small prod really, but she took the bait and swung her leg over his lap.

“There was nothing quick about it sweetheart,” He teases, and as she situates herself on his lap, he releases one of his hands from her waist to gently trail his fingers over her throat, until his hand settles against the side of her neck.  She’s blushing, but she’s smiling with anticipation.

He pulls her towards him a bit, and the tip of her nose presses against his cheek, her lips barely ghosting his.  When her eyes flickered shut, Richie smirks

“And you were never a quick fuck”

She leans in, wanting nothing more than to kiss him and never stop.  There was more electricity between them in this moment than she’d ever felt with her ex, and the realization made her feel like she was alive again.

Just as her moment of liberation is about to happen, the doorbell rings.

Richie brushes it off and cups her cheek, leaning in to kiss her anyways, but then his visitor started screaming.

“Richiieeee!” The distinct voice of Eddie Kaspbrack rings out from the other side of the door.  “Dude! Open up! I got some drama for you!”

Richie and (y/n) turn to look at each other, equally confused.

“Let’s just pretend he’s not there” Richie says, making her giggle as he finally tries to kiss her.

And then Eddie lets himself in.

“I’m coming in!” He announces, and shuts the door behind him.  “You’re not gonna believe this! (y/n) broke up with-”

It doesn’t surprise the couple on the couch when Eddie stops talking, and stares wide eyed and open mouthed.

“What the fuck is going on here!?” He’s screaming, which also isn’t a surprise, but it’s very upsetting.

(y/n) calmly slides off of Richie’s lap, and he lets go of his hold on her.

“Nothing” They say at the same time, unconvincingly.

“You were on his lap-” Eddie accuses.

“I-”

“You were kissing-!”

“No-?” Richie tries.

“You guys have been fucking this whole time!” He screeches.

“No!” Richie and (y/n) speak simultaneously again.

“Wait,” (y/n) walks over to Eddie.  “How did you know I broke up with-”

“He called me” Eddie shrugged.

“What?”

“Yeah, he was trying to call you, but you never picked up.  Clearly you weren’t home, because you were here, letting Richie get in your pants- jesus fuck (y/n) I thought you had better standards-”

“Stop it” (y/n) hissed, before frustratedly running her hands through her hair.

Richie shot up from the couch, walking over in hopes of convincing her to sit back down and relax again.  But she shrugged off his hand and continued to pace around between him and Eddie.

“Very uncool, dickwad” Richie muttered to Eddie, who gave him an exasperated look and flipped him off.

“Why’d you come here then?” (y/n) spoke up.

“Um… huh?” Eddie played stupid.

“Why’d you come here? If my ex called you looking for me, why’d you come to tell Richie the news?”

Eddie and Richie shared a look, only making the girl more confused.

“I- well I thought you’d be here, you know, for support-”

Eddie shut up when the girl narrowed her eyes in disbelief.  He was never a good liar, and (y/n) had a pretty good bullshit detector.

“This isn’t important,” Eddie shook his head.  “What’s important is that he’s heartbroken, and looking for y-”

“I don’t care,” (y/n) said with a humorless chuckle as she crossed her arms over her chest.  “I don’t fucking care! He’s the worst, and he’s insane to think that he was ever in love with me.  Had a real boring way of expressing it-”

“Uh, I’m not here to tell you to get back together with him” Eddie said before she could yell anymore.

“What are you here for, then?” (y/n) asked.

“I could ask you the same thing” Eddie shoots back, and smirks victoriously between the two.

Richie’s just standing there, knowing better than to open his mouth.  If he did, something bad would slip and he knew it, so he stared down at the ground.

(y/n) puckers her lips, casting a glance to Rich before back to Eddie.

“Well?” The asthmatic boy asks.  “What the fuck were you guys up to?”

“None of your business,” Richie says before (y/n) has the chance to say anything.  “You should go, Eds, I’ll call you tomorrow.  We’re busy”

“With what?” Eddie’s practically daring Richie to confess.

“We’re watching a movie, don’t make me fucking kick you out”

Eddie rolls his eyes, bored with the lack of drama, and then heads for the door.

As soon as he closes it, he whips it open again, pointing an accusatory finger at the pair left standing there, as if he’d caught them in the act.

“Go, Eds” They both say, with the utmost annoyance in their voices.

This time when he left, they both watched the door, as if waiting for him to jump back into the room again.  When it was clear he’d actually gone this time, (y/n) let out a sigh of relief.

She looked at Richie, and then back to the couch, where the movie, the popcorn bowl, and her blanket were left unattended.

“I should probably g-”

“You wanna stay the night?” Richie asked before she could finish her sentence, and her eyes shot up to his.

“Really?” She asked in disbelief.

Richie just nodded, and so she hesitantly nodded back.

“Okay” She agreed softly.

“I’ll find something for you to sleep in,” He told her.  “You can finish the movie if you want” And with that he headed up the stairs.

At this point, she was more confused than ever.  She had no idea where her and Richie stood now, the line between friendship and something… else… was so warped in her mind that she couldn’t tell how he felt anymore.

Richie came back down a few minutes later, finding her sat on the couch with the movie paused and the popcorn bowl in her lap.  He grinned as he handed her a long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweatpants that looked very soft.

After changing quickly in the bathroom, she concluded they were the coziest things she’d ever worn.  And Richie’s scent and laundry detergent lingered in them, making every inhale of breath she took be inviting.

When she came back out, Richie was on the couch, just waiting.  His back was turned to her, and she could tell he was drumming his hands on his legs, a frequently done nervous habit of his.

She stood there for a moment, too anxious to walk over and sit with him like nothing had happened in the last half hour.  Even though with everything that’s happened, her heart was beating a mile a minute with no end in sight.

Richie must’ve realized she was there, because he turned and made a face as if to ask why she was just standing there.

His expression softened though when his eyes landed on her figure.  She looked so goddamn cute in his clothes that were just a bit too big for her.  And by just a bit, I mean the sleeves kept falling over her hands and the waistband of the sweatpants had probably been rolled three times to keep the fabric from barely touching the ground.

He thought he was gonna have a stroke.

“You gonna come sit, sweetheart?” He finally spoke, “Or just stand there and look pretty all night?”

She laughs, and the tension in the room thins out a little as she makes her way over to sit with him again.  Richie plays the movie again, and just like before, gets sucked right into it.

(y/n) sort of watches it, but has little attachment to what’s going on.  Her mind is too busy processing everything, there was no capacity to keep an eye on a film as well.

The popcorn bowl is empty, so she can’t distract herself with eating.  And she’s already tapping her fingers on her knee to a made up beat in her mind.  How Richie is able to actually watch this movie right now is beyond her.

“(y/n)?” He asks, and she realizes he’s been staring at her for a while, trying to get her attention.  She hums in response.  “Do you want me to shut off the movie?”

Her eyes are wide as they meet his.

“W-why?” She stammers out.

“Because you aren’t paying attention at all,” He chuckles.  “Are you tired? It is like… one in the morning”

“Uh- yeah, I-I guess” She stumbles over her words again, and balls up the fabric of her blanket in her hands.

He gives her a dorky little smile, and then stands to turn off the tv.  She watches him grab the empty bowl before leaving the room.

She gets up to follow him into the kitchen, but he waved her off.

“You should go up to bed,” He says.  “I’ll finish up down here”

She doesn’t know what else to say, so she follows the instructions.

It dawns on her that she hasn’t told her parents that she won’t be coming home tonight, but as she gets situated in Richie’s bed with her new favorite blanket, she just can’t seem to care.  She decides a lecture when she comes home tomorrow is worth it.

She’s under all the covers, and her face is buried deep into a pillow when Richie finally comes up.  He smirks at how settled she’s already gotten.

“You sleeping already?” He asks quietly, and her eyes open to smile at him.

“No, ‘m waiting” She hums, before snuggling her face back into her pillow.

“Waiting?” He asks, and walks closer to hear her better.

“Mhm”

“For… Santa?”

“For you, dummy,” She giggles softly, and then makes a grabby hand towards him.  “Hurry up”

He laughs, and shakes his head at her, before kneeling onto the bed.

“I kinda thought I should sleep on the-”

“In here,” She whispers, hand finding his wrist and latching onto it.  “With me, please” She adds in a much softer voice, like she’s embarrassed to ask, and he knows that she is.

“Okay…” Richie hesitantly gets under the covers.  “As long as that doesn’t bother you”

“It didn’t before” She replies casually.

Her eyes are closed, but he smiles warmly at the comment.  He thinks she’s falling asleep, but he was wrong, because her hand trailed from his wrist so that her fingertips were pressed into his palm.

“Richie?” She calls quietly.

He hums.

Her eyes open, and she squirms a little closer to him, finding comfort in the heat he radiated.

Her fingers slot into the spaces between his perfectly, and she grasps his hand tight.

“You weren’t a quick fuck for me either,” She admits gently.

He can see in her eyes that she’s uncertain, that she’s nervous to say anything, so he squeezes her hand to reassure her that she can tell him anything.

“And I wanted you long before that night, I just… um…” She licks her lips anxiously before continuing.  “I didn’t think that you uh… actually wanted me, you know, like, more than…” She doesn’t finish her thought, but she doesn’t have to.

Richie gives her a smile, and then reaches his free hand out to brush his knuckles over her cheek.  She smiles back at the comforting touch.

“You’ll stay in the morning?” He whispers, and she nods, brows drawn together as her smile widens.  “Good” He breathes out in relief.

They lean in simultaneously, and their lips touch in a soft and sweet kiss.  (y/n) relishes in how her lips seemed to have his committed to memory, and she melts against him once again.

She pushes forward so that her body is flush against his, and her free hand is holding his shirt in a fist.  She’s filled with more love and lust and happiness that a girl can be, practically overflowing with it, even.

Richie pulls away too soon for her liking, tucking a strand of her hair back behind her ear tenderly before meeting her gaze.

“If anyone asks,” He tells her, “That was our first kiss”

(y/n) giggles, and nods her head before kissing him sweetly again.

“Okay” She agrees.

His fingers comb through her hair for a few moments, and he contemplates laying here, like this, with her, for the rest of his life.  The quiet moment is so serene, so perfect, that he can’t imagine ever being happier than he is right now.

(y/n) whispers something, but it’s so soft that he only catches her lips moving.

“What?” He muses, and instantly there’s a pink blush blooming across her cheeks.  “What?” He asks again, this time chuckling at her bashfulness.

“I love you…” She murmurs, only darkening her blush.

Richie pulls her into his chest, wrapping her up in his arms as he cradles her close for the night.

“I love you too, sweetheart,” He responds with a kiss to the top of her head.  “Let’s do it right this time, okay?”

“M’kay” She hums back delightedly, already beginning to fall asleep in his arms.

It took months of agony and confusion to get here, but it couldn’t be clearer now.  This is what love was supposed to feel like.  She hadn’t learned to love before because that’s simply not how it works.  Her heart already belonged to someone else, and she hardly even knew it.  But now, it and she were all his, and he’d take good care of them.

[ i guess that’s love, i can’t pretend. ]

___

taglist: @fiantomartell​ @lemonypink @darling-egg​​

xoxo ~ jordie

[piplupod]

i fully agree that calling the cops on queer people isn't a great thing to threaten, but also as a minor i get their overall point. i feel that there should be some separation between pride = kink and pride = safe space for all ages. there should be places where younger queer people can go and feel welcome. and it makes me feel v weird to see a bunch of adults yelling at a minor for being uncomfy with kink in public? even if there are historical reasons for its presence, ppl can still b uncomfy

(the post in question)

HIGHKEY GLAD U SENT AN ASK ABOUT THIS TBH, i wanted to talk abt it/expand on it but im terrified of doing so on the post even in the tags bc ppl on here are fucking insane and will screenshot and post stuff out of context and then all of a sudden u get anons telling you to kill urself or smth so UH. yea. anyways. thank u for sending this in bc i wanted to talk abt it but didn't know if i should or not!!! <3

so first off i want to say that i agree with you!!! initially when i saw the post i was like >:/ but then i thought abt it and was like "well,,, wait. dont fuckin call the cops on ppl at pride lol" and rbed it bc i agree w "DONT CALL THE POLICE ON SOMEONE AT PRIDE HOLY SHIT"

i would love if pride could be minor-friendly all the time and luckily it often is. i've gone back and forth on this issue of having kink in pride over the last few years and i'm still not fully settled in one direction or the other bc its a VERY complex issue!

there are historical reasons for sure (that to be totally honest i need to do more research on but ch'boys just trying to stay alive rn shdgfjkl), and there are other reasons for it. personally, i only really get uncomfortable with people wearing kink gear/displaying nudity bc i dont know what to expect from them bc thats not a social norm i encounter ever.

i think maybe where i stand with this issue for now is that it's not going away and it's a big part of pride's history and many activists who got our rights to be where they are now were sex- and kink-positive, often leather enthusiasts. i think that pride is a complex celebration that has sexuality as a big part of it so we shouldn't necessarily censor it entirely (but i absolutely don't want anyone doing any sexual acts at pride lmfao that shit is nasty and you would need EVERYONE'S consent to witness that shdsfjkl). but wearing leather gear and even pup-gear isn't really an issue for me? i know i'm an adult now, but even as a teen i was kind of like [shrug] it's part of sexuality and a big gay subculture and it's not going to stop anytime soon. i just look away if i need to.

i do think it can be uncomfortable for minors but no one is having full sex in public, they're just wearing some funky outfits. this also overlaps for me personally with the whole issue of nudity and the human body being shamed. i think general pride should be at most PG-13 and then anything past that needs to go into private places where minors can either choose not to go into or not be allowed into. but thats ultimately up to the organizers unfortunately!

i don't know. it's very complicated, but the reason why i reblogged that post specifically was because holy shit don't call the cops on anyone at pride, especially since these are LGBT ppl - a minority group, even if they're wearing harnesses or puppy hoods and leashes. sorry for the ramble, my brain is not working very well with words lately :/ i hope this kind of made sense!

TL;DR i only reblogged it bc of the message of "WTF DONT CALL COPS ON PPL AT PRIDE" and i am not really sure what i think about kink at general Pride, its a complex issue that I haven't done enough thinking and research on.

[destinyc1020]

This is the Last Thing I’m Going to Say on This Tom/BLM Thing...

Personally? I think a lot of these so-called “fans” are taking this whole Tom/BLM thing personally, when in reality, this is just how Tom has always been when it comes to speaking out in public. 

Now, if asked directly in an interview about a certain issue, Tom will give his honest input (he has before), but for the most part, Tom has always stayed silent on topics that can be deemed "controversial" on his social media. (Talking about sick children in hospitals is NOT a potentially "controversial" topic.)

Ask yourself:  When has Tom EVER made posts about "controversial" topics on his social media?

When has he ever spoken out about "gay rights" and the LGBTQ+ community? (and I'm SURE he has friends who are gay) 

Women's rights? 

Transgender/transphobia? 

Sex trafficking? 

Religious warfare? 

Political events/affairs? 

When has he ever even “clapped back” at fans who were coming at him on social media?

I could see if he were always regularly posting about the above aforementioned topics, and then stayed eerily quiet about BLM (like some other celebrities have been doing), but he hasn't.

It's pretty obvious (to me) that Tom has been taught to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself on certain topics in the public eye. But don't think he doesn't have his thoughts on them. You can't be dating Zendaya (of all actresses) and be best friends with Tuwaine if you never had a thought in your head about racism, injustice, or police brutality. Do I want Tom to say more (publicly) about BLM?  Of course! I would love for him to be more outspoken about a wide variety of topics actually!   But the difference is, I don’t put all of my attention on celebrities when it comes to issues like this, and I don’t EXPECT any celebrity to be my spokesperson for social justice issues.   I wonder just how much some of these "fans" really know and follow him. Cuz anyone who follows him well would know that this is just how he has usually carried things out. They would also know that everyone who has been around him says how such a nice and GOOD person Tom is.    Just because Tom has been private in the past about his thoughts and feelings on certain issues (maybe due to advice or whatever), it doesn’t mean that he can’t change & get out of his comfort zone some.  You can tell that he’s not used to speaking out to the public on any issues that might be deemed “controversial”. Maybe he doesn’t feel like he’s the best person to speak on certain issues? Maybe he’s been advised to remain “neutral” when it comes to “controversy”?  Regardless, he should be allowed to change w/out backlash. Let him grow and change.  Fans want Tom to be more vocal, but yet when he does try to be more vocal,he gets bashed AGAIN for not being vocal ENOUGH!  Seriously?  It actually may end up having the opposite effect. If you are a **REAL** fan of Tom’s you should be encouraging him to speak out even more, not bashing/bullying him online for it.  Look, if you don’t like how Tom is handling this “movement”, you can choose to unfollow him on social media and just stop watching his movies!  It’s as simple as that. You don’t have to bash/bully someone online, or take away from the REAL issue at hand here (which is BLACK LIVES MATTER).   Instead of worrying about what some celebrity is doing...Worry about YOURSELF.  Anyway, I’m sick and tired of going back and forth on this debate, so this will be the last time I address this.   END OF DISCOURSE  Now, if anyone has anything POSITIVE to say/ask, then by all means, feel free to send me an anon.  We all need some positivity these days...now more than ever in 2020.  :) 

[leviaana]

Ever since Chameleon I've seen people get on Adrien's case being "passive and a doormat" and that he never stands up for Mari which are lies. But his advice wasn't actually bad? Yes Lila's lies are bad and should stop but Marinette didn't consider that by exposing Lila it would make her a friendless loser, which makes her angry, which makes her an akuma again and creates a new bad guy to fight. Sometimes we have to pick and choose our battles and walk away which is good advice, also superhero

Alright,

sorry for the super late answer everyone, but I have kept these asks for a while in my inbox because they address an issue that I have wanted to talk about for a very long time. Now, I finally have the opportunity to speak up without it sounding like I am alone on this and just want to complain. (well, I kinda do actually—)

I am sorry if this turned out messy, I actually wrote this on my computer just to put in a read more but it's gone? Thank You, Tumblr, Very Cool.

Just a warning beforehand: This is a fandom salt post, not an ML salt post. I will tag it both ways though just in case some of you don’t want to read salt at all. I can understand that and I respect that, so please do not send me any hate. (not again lol) If you do, I will most likely reply with a stupid meme and move on. Don’t waste your/my time. My ask box is open for further discussions though.

So as the asks address, Adrien has been treated very harshly by the fandom for “defending” and “apologizing” Lila’s behavior in Chameleon. Many were upset about him not stepping in for Mari and used the episode as a way to justify their judgement. They claimed he was not “fit” or “mature enough” to be her boyfriend, as he advised her to take the high road and, apparently, just wanted to “let Lila get her ways”.

These claims often disregard some major facts though:

Adrien’s perspective on the whole Lila issue is VERY different from Marinette’s. We see most things from Mari’s/LB’s perspective so we KNOW this bitch ain’t no good. Adrien witnessed only half of it and thus, during the time Chameleon took place, he could not have reached the same judgement as her.

Adrien knows that Lila is a liar ofc, and he also witnessed her being upset at LB at the end of Volpina. However, he also thought that the two of them made up in Chameleon and, just like LB at that time, did not think that her reaction after the second time of being defeated and saved would turn out to be a lie. Thus, at the end of the episode, Adrien was sure that Lila did not intend to hurt anybody with her lies, which is why the situation did not seem as disturbing to him. He genuinely thought Lila did not want to harm anyone.

Adrien remembers what happened after LB called Lila out in front of him in Volpina. It caused a lot of tears, drama and another Akuma. LB had every right to be PISSED, but it could have been handled in a way that wouldn’t have caused them so much trouble. Especially in their setting, where negative emotions can be abused. Moreover, it did not really DO anything to make Lila stop acting the way that she is. It even looks like it’s gotten worse.

Adrien does not know about Lila’s threats towards Marinette. She never told him.

Adrien still stood up for his friends. He just talked to Lila about it in private, pleading to her common sense. His gentle approach is, especially in their story, the most mature way of handling the situation.

Adrien strongly believes in Lila being someone who is just in need for attention. I think he is totally aware that her ways and measures to get it are wrong but he feels sympathy. This changes in Oni Chan.

I can see why many fans are disappointed that Adrien and Mari did not drag Lila through the mud. She is a bad person and deserves it. I think the characters wouldn’t be as passive if Adrien actually KNEW what had happened between Lila and Marinette and I can totally see them (Adrien and Mari) find a solution to their problems that do not result in an embarrassing exposure and another Akuma. So many great episodes could have emerged from that. However, this is not what the writers are intending with Lila’s character and that’s fine.

Mari decided not to tell Adrien about it. She decided that, as long as he knew, that was enough for her. She knew she could trust Adrien and talk to him about anything. She did not hide it because she was scared of him not believing her. We can only respect that decision of hers at this point.

As the anon above said, it was only going to cause way more distress than necessary anyway and put people in serious danger. There is no reason to blame Adrien for this. He is just trying to do the right thing that won’t harm anybody.

His optimism towards Lila’s intentions has only turned out to be in vain in Oni Chan, where he was able to see that her lies were actually HARMFUL when they got Gorilla and Nathalie in trouble. Moreover, he realized that Lila still hates LB when she lied to everyone just to leave LB fighting the Akuma on her own. After that, Adrien was able to see that his judgement “attention seeker” was wrong and that she was an actual BAD and hateful person.

I am very proud that he stood up for his loved ones and told her to basically fuck off. Anyone who claims that he doesn’t love or care about his friends is, thus, just  w r o ng.

I think many people in the fandom only concentrate on bad people getting what they deserve and while I can see the satisfaction in that, I can also see why the characters have decided against it. And honestly? I love that. If goes to show that an emotional response can backfire when not thought through. It does in no way imply that you should do nothing. But sometimes the most satisfactory way is not the smartest in practice.

Blaming Adrien is, at this point, so unnecessary and goes to show that many did not seem to actually work with what they are given in the story. Adrien is a TOTAL defender and would never let his loved ones be harmed. Just because he is not ruthless that does not make him immature or not protective enough to be a loving (boy)friend.

[idiosyncrasy-at-its-finest]

March 8, 2020.  A message for a friend I never shared (+ mini blog post)

Routine sweeping of my google drive.  Not sweeping because there’s over five hundred docs, probably (almost all of them stories + pieces of fiction + journal type thought jots + poems).

I wrote this at 12 am.  It’s just over three pages long in docs.  I shared it (w/o sending an email notification) to the person this was for.  When I woke up and remembered what I’d done, I unshared it.  I don’t think he ever saw it.

Disclaimer: I don’t have any romantic feelings for him.  People have thought so and that just makes me feel awful (since he has a girlfriend).  I had a crush on him when I was in seventh grade (he was a freshman).  I’m a rising junior now, and he’s going off to college.  An iVy lEaGuE boy <3

Writing remains unchanged except for a ‘wh’ I corrected to ‘with’ and another typo (I was really tired (+ sad) when writing this).

Hope you enjoy because I cried while rereading this.

Title in docs: it’s too late for this

Hmm I looked this over.  Dumb.  It’s okay.  It’s 1am.  I’ll chalk it up to being sleep drunk or whatever it is I go through.  Or hormones.  Yeah that’s it.  Yeah this makes zero sense but it’s like a stream of consciousness type.

March 8, 2020

I think the word love is kind of fake now, I do.  Everyone uses it so casually and I’m guilty of the same thing.  Idk why I’m writing like… this.

Okay.  Hi.  I’m feeling a lot of things right now and, to be frank, I don’t like it.  It’s strange.  And weird.

One: dependence.  I have friends, yeah, and one go-to friend who’s pretty much always there for me when I need her.  But when I don’t need her, like in school, there are these hurtful, biting comments, these eye rolls that really really hurt.  I’m just not as comfortable with her as I used to be.  And I have other friends, sure, but not ones that I can rely on for everything.

But you?  I think I’m a bit too reliant on you.  I spoke to someone on omegle (multiple people really, but I digress), and they said not to do drugs.  Wow symbolism or whatever.  It’s not like you’re a drug per say, but I just have a really really really bad addiction.

You’re kind of like candy.  I love it but know that it’ll give me headaches after.  And in your case, or our case, it’s not like you give me a headache.  It’s me.  I really dislike that.

Let me start over.

I love you.  More than I should.  I don’t feel as much with other people.  Not as many positive emotions.  My family makes me really sad sometimes, my friends get me really annoyed.  They both can make me feel happy, but you… you make me feel like I’m on cloud nine.

Do I know what that is?  Not really.  Do I care?  No  A little bit.  I don’t like not knowing things.  And yet…. I digress.

I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything about it or text me more or whatever but you are important to me.  That’s it.  You are important to me.

You are so important to me.  I kid you not, everything you do affects me.  When you say something that isn’t exactly positive, my mind reels over it for hours.  If you ghost in the middle of a conversation, I obsessively check my phone.  I realize this behavior may be displayed in psychopaths and yet… I trust you’ll stick with me.

Maybe it’s because you treat me so well.  I’m not sure.  You entertain my questions, you listen to me.  I’ve been called annoying my whole life, my family tunes me out, I’ve developed the habit of talking to myself.  People jokingly point out that I talk too much about myself, I talk too much in general.  They think it doesn’t hurt.  It does.

But you make me feel heard.  Most of the time.  And then other times I remember that I’m not the only thing in your life.  You have other friends, a girlfriend, other priorities.

I love you so much I would never want to hurt you.

But I forget I’m not as important to you as you are to me.  I care about you so much it hurts.  My stomach tightens every once in a while when I text you.  Not quite butterflies but something else.  A snake, maybe, squeezing my insides.  It makes me feel like I’m about to explode.  This hasn’t ever happened to me before.

And I talk about you too.  Probably too much.  My friends once joked and said that if you broke up with your girlfriend it would be my fault.

I didn’t like that.

I suppose you’re on my mind more often than you should be, but I can’t help it.  And maybe this sounds like a love letter— and I guess it’s because it is— just not that kind of love.  A special kind.  A kind I’ve never experienced before.  A kind reserved just for you.

It’s really late.  I’m sorry you had a bad day.

I’m not quite sure what to say anymore but I know there’s lots.

I think that you probably don’t know the effect you have on me.  I don’t either.  Maybe it’s because I’m going through a particularly rough time dealing with… who knows what.  It’s not a simple mood swing though.  I’ve been feeling… off… for ages.

Everyone says I’m so happy.  I like that they think I am.  I love to make others smile!  And with you I’m always so negative.  I’m sorry.  I just feel guilty being sad with others.  And I’m tired of being sad alone.  I don’t like where my thoughts go.  No extremes but… it’s lonely.  And overwhelming.

When you’re here for me I feel like I can be myself.

But in school.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for always insisting you don’t love me.  I know you do or at least I hope you do since you always say so.  It’s just that whenever you’re near I want to cling onto you.  You’re my lifeline.  You simultaneously drive me insane while being the only thing that keeps me sane.  Somewhat sane.  Every time you leave, I hurt a little bit.  And it’s not your fault.

I tried, for a bit, getting rid of you.  Decided it was unhealthy.  Unhealthy to love someone the way I love you.  But I was too weak.  I muted your notifications, I didn’t start conversations, I took you off my private story.  It only made me check more, wait more anxiously, feel more alone.  And you hadn’t even noticed.  I don’t think you knew you were even taken off.  That’s okay.  I’m not sure what I was expecting.  And it’s fine you don’t always start conversations.  You kind of are now though.

When you told me you kind of missed me the other day, I smiled.  Really wide.

And I remember last year, maybe.  I gave you a hug and immediately you’d asked what was wrong.  We barely talked last year and yet you knew.  You could tell, better than anyone else.  I’d spent the previous night crying, but I didn’t want you to know.  I think I told a joke and you laughed.

And another time it happened, where I hugged you and you asked what was wrong.  But that time nothing was.  And I laughed because I realized it was so you.  To maybe act like you don’t care about me but then really be there when I need it.

But sometimes it feels like you’re embarrassed of me.  I’ll hug you and you’ll pull away, tell me you have to go.  And I feel like a burden.  Boy if I haven’t been called one before…

And I’m sorry for calling so much.  It’s annoying, I’m annoying.  I know.  And I’m sorry.

I don't text that often.

A tedious task— just see each other at school.  I prefer to call, as well, so my hands are left free and I can do other things.

But I text you a lot.

Also.  When I called you.  And you called me [a nickname only family + close friends call me].  And asked what was wrong.  It felt nice.

But I think I’m too attached.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like how I say ‘I love you’ without having punched you beforehand.  I don’t like how real it is.

It sounds like love, doesn’t it?  Like I’m in love.  Maybe I am.  I think I’m in love with the idea that maybe someone really will always be there for me.  But I’m not in love with you.  Not like some people say.

Again, I’ve spoken about you.  You’re on my mind a lot.

Will I send this to you?  Maybe.  It’s weird talking to ‘you’ and yet not really.  I think I might share it with you.  But I won't send an email.  I don’t need you to know about this

I didn’t even end with a period.  I shared it with him, at 1 am I believe, thinking I’d update it every so often.  He wouldn’t have gotten a notification when I shared it, so I figured if he saw it, he saw it.

I would constantly tell him I loved him more and every time he argued back, saying he cared more for me, in my head I’d be screaming: “no, I love you more” because it really felt like it.  Still does.  I’m not sure where I got these trust issues, but they’re here and they’re mine.  He wouldn’t hear me out, so I had to type it.  I can tell him anything, I know that.  He’s like the brother I never had except we’re not always at each other’s throats like many brothers and sisters are.

[facethroughthemirror]

A Little Less Dramatic

[ hey @fanvsfic I’m late to lunch with my mom and grandma so I can post this today enjoy it ]

Crossposted on ao3

Relationships: Donald Doyle/Emily Grey, Vanessa Kimball/Agent Carolina Additional tags: Suicide, Doyle Lives au

Over an hour after landing at what the rebels have termed “Crash Site Bravo” finds General Doyle still in the back of the pelican, perched on a bank of seats with his unarmored head in his gloved hands. The ache from where he’d hit it in the fall caused by the transport being jolted by the explosion has subsided, but the throbbing in his ankle. He can’t bring himself to look down at the discarded helmet at his feet, or at any of the plate armor he’s wearing. Not yet.

It’s war , he tells himself quietly. These things happen. Not everyone makes it back. He’s seen it happen countless times, hundreds of soldiers whose names he had never known slain on the battlefield, scientists and medical staff massacred by Charon’s mercenaries, each and every leader of the Federal Army before him either evacuated or dead, including the man he’d worked for most of his adult life before the... abrupt promotion. Good god, he stopped keeping track of names years ago. There were too many of them after a while to even keep track of. He doesn’t even know how many of them had died for nothing but the benefit of a businessman somewhere beyond Chorus’ skies, sacrificed for someone else’s gain.

And as much as it pains him, he can’t help but resign himself to the thought that maybe Armonia had been just another one of those sacrifices. That everything -- every one -- that Chorus had lost was for nothing. That it wouldn’t matter in the end.

No one’s been by to check on him. He assumes it simply to be due to no one noticing that he’s gone, though he finds it just a bit more comforting to think that it’s perhaps out of a kind of respect, or even more likely out of a somewhat mutual depression. Though he suspects that it’s entirely to do with the loss of Armonia, and not at all with the loss of...

“Oh dear…”

“What is it?”

“Are you ready?”

“... I’m afraid I won’t be joining you after all!”

“... What?”

“... there’s no longer a way to overload the reactor from the control panel with enough time to leave. But, I can still trigger an explosion! I’ll just have to do it manually!”

“... manually?! No, you don’t, just--just stay low, we can come to you.”

“I’m afraid that just won’t be possible! I appear to be surrounded, and there’s just no time for anyone else to get down here without tipping off Charon that something’s not right!”

Emily was a doctor . A non-combatant. He knows she can likely count the number of times she’s fired a gun on one hand, maybe both of her hands, and her standard-issue sidearm (that came with being an officer and as strongly as Emily objected to carrying one, there just wasn’t anything either of them could do about that) was in such a pitiful state of disrepair that it was hardly safe to use -- she’d had plans to convert it into a tranquilizer gun, he’d discovered. She should have never been down there in the first place. She should have left Armonia with her staff and patients, long before she could have ever even had the chance to suggest this. He should have told her to leave the city, she would have listened -- need to keep up appearances, after all, she wouldn’t have blatantly protested or outright disregarded an order where the others could have seen her do so.

The whole thing had been her idea, once they’d realized that Charon would leave the city if they knew that he had. She’d been trying to buy them time, she’d been meant to lead the mercenaries around, lose them, and then overload the reactor controls and slip out of the city before the reactor blew. They’d switched plate armor, so that she’d be able to not only catch the pirates’ eyes, but pass as him from a distance, while moving quickly through the city. She was several inches shorter than him, and was noticeably slighter, so it wouldn’t be enough to fool someone up close, or to trick Locus if she crossed paths with him, but it would buy them the time they needed. She would keep the mercenaries distracted, lead them in circles. They’d switched her hardlight shield into his armor, it ran better and covered a larger area, standard issue for Federal medical personnel in order to shield patients in the field, and he’d given her his better-maintained sidearm, so that she’d have a fighting chance should she be cornered.

It feels… almost unreal. He… still can’t believe it. It had all been going according to plan, but then…

“Emily -- Y-You can’t--!”

“I’m sorry, General Doyle! I know it isn’t perfect. Oh... there we are. The timer on this detonator barely lasts a minute. You need to get out of the city while you still can!”

Kimball throws her weapon to the floor of the Pelican as she speaks, shouting now, even though the other general knows it won’t do any good. “Damn it, Grey! Don’t--”

“Chorus needs you both. When this war ends, they’ll need skilled leaders more than they’ll need another doctor. You’re no good to Chorus dead!”

He just stands in quiet shock, gripping hard on a grab bar close to the bay doors as he hears that cheerful voice on the other end of the line, so matter-of-factly explaining, rationalizing, her situation as if it was a simple lab experiment. He can hear Kimball shouting over the radio, but a private message over his own comm. line drowns her out.

“... I’m so sorry. If there were any other way…” He hears her breath hitch, hears her voice shake. And it breaks his heart to know that there’s nothing he can do. “... look in my left-side storage pocket. I left you something just in case. I love you.”

He doesn’t have time to answer her, doesn’t have time to tell her that he loves her, doesn’t have time to say goodbye or anything else: there’s a deafening roar of an explosion, one that shakes the transport. But he isn’t sure if it’s the impact or the grief that snatches his knees out from under him and sends him crashing to the floor .

Emily’s “just in case” had turned out to be the very same things Locus had brought him after the massacre at her outpost, just about. Except, she’s left him both of her identification tags, with her ring neatly dropped onto the ball chain and hanging beside them.

“… Doyle?” a voice asks from somewhere outside his vision. He tucks the tags back into the pocket from whence they’d come: he doesn’t want anyone to see them. “… oh, you’re still in here.”

Tired blue eyes crack open finally at the sound of someone calling him, catching sight of the helmet at his feet. He closes them against the tears as they start again, and he swallows. He knows that voice. He knows precisely who’s speaking to him, and he also knows full well that he can’t exactly ignore the speaker. But he just can’t bring himself to look up. It takes a great deal of effort simply to speak aloud.

“... unfortunately.” His unconscious choice of words spikes emotion in his chest, but he swallows it, shuts his eyes against it. He can… he can deal with that later. “... do… do you... er… do you need me for something?”

Vanessa is quiet, the silence heavy in the air between them. For that long moment, he’s sure she’s about to begin shouting, telling him that of course she needs him for something. But she never does. Instead, her response is quiet. Almost… concerned. “... It can… wait.”

“... ah… are… erm… are-are you certain?”

“... yes.” Her footsteps approach his position slowly. Carefully. Once she stops walking, he hears the sound of a helmet seal breaking, and feels her sit down next to him. When she doesn’t say anything further, he finally forces himself to open his eyes again, to turn his head and look at her. Vanessa’s face, so young still but aged prematurely around the eyes by the stresses and horrors of war, is normally tired and sort of angry-looking, or at least, it has been the few times he’s seen it. And she still looks tired now, but… the anger is gone. Her curly hair is coming out of the hurried little bundle she appears to have put it into to keep it out of her face. He can see the very badly-faded lock of what was once ice-blue hair that hangs somewhere in the middle of the right side of her head, it’s come out of the bundle completely and is hanging down away from the other fugitive tendrils.

“... Sarge told me you two seemed close,” she finally says.

“... closer than he knows, I believe. I… spent quite a lot of time in her medical bay, after all, quite, er… quite prone to fainting spells. We… got to be… yes, quite… quite close.” He swallows. “... I shouldn’t have let her go. She never should have been out there, she… she should have left with her patients.”

“... you heard her on the radio. I… really don’t think you could have said anything to stop her.”

“You’re… entirely right. Emily is… w-was … a very willful individual. One of the many things in my life I had absolutely no control over. But that… always seemed to work in my favor. If I’d managed to find my spine for two minutes maybe I could’ve… talked some sense in her…”

Kimball’s hand settles on his wrist, and he pulls his hand away. As a reflex, he stands, shaking his head wordlessly, intending to physically move away from her -- from the conversation. He doesn’t get far on trembling knees and his sprained ankle, though, and winds up crumpled on the floor of the pelican about three feet closer to the bay door than he’d started. And it’s there that he stays.

Good god, he’s pathetic.

Kimball’s beside him in a moment, but doesn’t move to touch him yet, just stands beside him and waits for his next move. When he doesn’t make one, she takes a knee beside him. He finally manages to look up, face lined with years of worry and etched deeper with fresh sadness, eyes tired and empty and heartbroken, brimming with restrained tears. He can’t manage to say anything yet -- just stares. Stares, then turns his eyes almost sheepishly to the floor.

Kimball sighs. “… Look. I… I don’t… I didn’t know Doctor Grey as well as you did. So… I’m not going to sit here and pretend to know what she’d really want. But… if you two were that close, then I can promise you that she wouldn’t want you to think that way. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. I understand how hard this is for you--”

“ Do you.” The statement -- absolutely not a question -- is uncharacteristically harsh. The bark of a much larger dog than he’s previously shown himself to be. And it absolutely does not come with an immediate retreat and profuse apology, though neither does it come with an aggressive posture. It’s more addressed to the floor than to the other general. “ Do you understand.”

“Yes, I do!” Kimball snaps back. “You’re not the only one who’s lost friends because of this war.”

… friends. Right. Of course she couldn’t have known: he and Emily had been very careful to keep that information private. If anyone has figured it out, he’d’ve assumed it was Agent Washington: most of the soldiers at the outpost avoided Emily like the plague and probably assumed that he, while possibly afraid of her, felt bad for her that she was so isolated.

He doesn’t correct her. It doesn’t matter now.

                                                  -------------------

“Ducking out early?”

He stops in his tracks as he makes it to the door, and turns over his shoulder to see Vanessa leaning against a wall not very far from him, a cup of coffee still gently steaming in one hand. He just gives a bit of a nervous chuckle, reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. “… and here I thought I was being quiet.”

“You were. But I know you by now.” She stands straight, taking a long sip of her coffee, and makes her way closer to him, which isn’t hard, considering that he doesn’t move. “I’d offer to make you some eggs, but I get the feeling you’d say no.”

“H-Huh?”

“Nothing. You got somewhere to be?”

“Ah, er… well, I… yes, I do. But… but I--” He’s caught. He knows he’s caught. He’s got no excuse. So he just slumps. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to just… disappear like this…”

Vanessa laughs , and of course it’s not malicious. It never is, with her. At least not to him, not anymore. They’ve… come quite a ways in the several months since the war ended. “You at least gonna tell me who it is? I feel like you owe me that much.”

“I-I…”

“I’m joking . What you do once you leave here is your business.”

He stammers further, as if looking for an excuse even though one isn’t required, but eventually shuts his mouth and looks down, clears his throat to reset his stammer. It’s been dreadful these past few months, after so many years of speech therapy and an entire adult life with little discernible trace of the horrible thing. But… well, he’d been warned that the stress and trauma could bring his speech impediment back.

He is, however, thankfully spared from answering as Vanessa continues to speak. “… I’m happy for you. You know that, right?”

“Ex… e-excuse me?”

“You’ve been… down. Really down. I’ve noticed. And I get it. You… we’ve all been through… well, a lot. You, me, Chorus… and… you know, some people haven’t been able to come back from that and be happy and connect with people again. It’s good to see that you’re finally getting back out there.” There’s that teasing smirk again. “Even if it means I get to see less of you.”

“ Please don’t say it like that. I…”

“Like what?”

“Like this is your apartment and… a-and I’m sneaking out after something illicit !” It’s quite a bit louder, and quite a bit harsher, than he’d like, but the jokes -- and he knows she’s joking -- have made him uncomfortable for quite some time, and… well, today of all days he just… he really, really can’t take it. In his frustration, he twitches, his fingers flex, and he drops his helmet to the floor with a loud clatter that snaps him out of his moment of unprompted rage . “… I-I… I’m so sorry, I…”

Vanessa is, of course, unfazed. “Doyle, I’m gay . You very much aren’t my type. Well, you’ve kinda got the right hair color, but otherwise--”

“I know that! I…” He just shakes his head. He knows that. He’s known that for nearly a year now, since he first caught her eyeing Agent Carolina while the former freelancer was making use of the weight room at the training facility. “I-I know that. I’m sorry. This… this is just a very… strange day. For me, I… I’m very sorry. I… I need to go. I, er… finished the last of the major projects I’d been working on, those are on my desk.”

“Cool. I’ll get to them in the morning, I’m about done with mine.”

“There’s no rush.”

“… mind if I ask what you’re headed out to do?”

“… not at all. I…” He pauses, stoops to pick his helmet up, and straightens again, tucking it securely under his arm. “… it’s… ah… anniversary.”

“Anniversary?”

“Yes.” He doesn’t elaborate beyond that. It’s another brief moment before he turns away from her, and puts his helmet on, with shaking hands. “… good night, Vanessa.”

She doesn’t say anything further, simply watches him leave. Once the door closes behind him, he’s off down the back staircase -- he’d normally take the lift, but that’s not… he’s better going down stairs than up them. It also allows him to avoid people. Not that there’s anyone left in the building at this hour, he and Vanessa are almost always the last to leave.

He sees a familiar, teal-armored someone lurking in the lobby once he emerges from the stairwell, and he gives her a polite nod. “Hello, Agent Carolina. Er… waiting for Vanessa?”

She gives a noncommittal sound of acknowledgement.

“She should be down soon, but I can key you into the lift if you like.”

“… I’d appreciate that. Thank you.”

He nods a bit, tosses his head toward the lift and turns to lead her to it, keying in the code and letting her in in order to send her up to the offices. Once he bids her a good evening and the doors close, he sighs, and turns to head out of the building.

The walk home is short. Of course it is, his apartment -- they’re all in apartments, even him and Vanessa, it was… it was the most efficient solution to the housing issue -- isn’t far from the offices. Not a long walk at all. Not quite enough time to let his thoughts run away from him. His apartment is in the basement of the building, so there’s no zoning out in the lift and staring into space while his mind runs unchecked. Just a short flight of stairs down into the basement hallway, then a few more feet to the only occupied apartment on this level -- there’s an empty one across from him, no one’s cared to move into it, it reminds a lot of them of the barracks, and he understands that. It’s not at all why he found this one comforting, in fact, it makes his skin crawl just thinking about it that way, but it had been the sense of solitude that had come with it.

And there it is. Once the door closes, all the sounds that come with existing beyond these walls cease entirely. No traffic noise, no humming of industrial ventilation keeping air moving through the hallways. He finally lets out a heavy, exhausted sigh, letting the tension drop out of his shoulders as he leans back against the door. It takes him an inordinate amount of strength to reach up and remove his helmet, and even more to reach and set it down on the table beside the door.

It’s slow going to change out of his armor, but he manages it. Manages to start dinner too. He’s not sure how much of it he’ll eat, but he’ll try. He’s just sitting down on the sofa when the chirping alert tone of an incoming call comes in from the radio console on the end table. He considers not picking it up, letting it ring out. But he doesn’t let it go, he reaches over and taps the button to answer. “Yes?”

“ It’s me .”

“Hello, Vanessa. Did I leave something at the office?”

“ No, uh. Look, I feel bad about… you seemed upset with you left. I just… wanted to make sure you were okay .”

“Oh. Yes, I’m. I’m alright. Just a strange day, I told you.”

“ … Carolina and I are going to get some dinner, if you want to join us .”

“Ah. Already in for the night, actually. Thank you, though.”

“… what um. You mentioned an anniversary. Anniversary of what, exactly? ”

“… I… well, er…” He swallows. He’s… very carefully avoided discussing this with Vanessa. He’d had no reason to do so. When he speaks, his voice is… different. Far more tired than he’d sounded before, an incredible feat, really. “… did you know I was married, before?”

“… uh… no, you, um. You never mentioned that .”

“Mm. I asked her to marry me while I was having a panic attack. I-I thought one of us would die before we got the chance.” Doyle’s laugh is humorless, more like a scoff as he realizes how stupid it must have sounded at the time, though his fear would prove itself to be real several years later. “She probably shouldn’t have agreed to it.”

Kimball remains quiet for a moment, which he expects. He doesn’t hear Carolina in the background, but he knows she has to be there. “… do you want to… um… tell me about her? ”

“I don’t want to intrude on your evening, Vanessa. If you’ve plans with Agent Carolina, then you should keep to them.”

“ It’s… um, it’s okay. No, we… we can wait a minute. You um. You sound like you need to talk. ”

“I’m alright.”

“ Not even a name, huh? ” Her joking tone is back, and normally, it’d be… sort of welcome. But it isn’t. “ Come on. Some good memories to balance out the sadness, huh? ”

“… well, you did meet her.” He reaches up and closes one hand around the identification tags he’s kept wearing even after the war. One of them is his, the other Emily’s. Her ring settled right alongside them. “I’d be surprised if you remembered her quite as fondly as I do, though, no one really seems to.”

“… who was she ?”

He pauses. He’s not sure why the question stings so much. “… right, I didn’t think y… y-y… didn’t think y-you did. I’m… not surprised. Emily could be… a bit off-putting. I admit that.”

“Emily? … wait, Doctor Grey?”

“Mm.” He leaves that answer as it is for a moment. He hears Vanessa make a small sound of acknowledgement, but she doesn’t speak. His grip tightens around Emily’s tags, so much so that it shakes. “... she deserved so much better. ... she wasn’t always l… wasn’t always li… l-like that. I… I di… didn’t… didn’t realize there was something wrong until it was… far too late to stop it. She deserved someone who could have helped her… before she got so bad. Perhaps if she’d been in her right mind--”

“... I don’t think she’d be very happy to hear you say that ,” Vanessa says, thankfully cutting him off before he can really finish his thought. “ I think she’d be insulted to know you think she must have been out of her mind to do what she did .”

“You… y-you’re very right.” Doyle shuts his eyes again. Good lord, he’s absolutely awful. How can he think so poorly of Emily. And what’s worse… what’s worse is the part that he’s forgotten in his grief. That his voice cracks and shakes on admitting, even after the usual throat clearing in order to stop himself from stammering. “... her greatest fear was that she would lose her mind entirely, you know.”

“… I think that’s a perfectly rational fear .”

“… as did I,” he simply says. “… I’m… dreadfully sorry to have ruined your evening, you had… you had plans, didn’t you?”

“ … no, it’s… i-it’s okay. I don’t mind. You’re upset, and you, um… it’s not a problem .”

“No, I… you should enjoy your evening. Well, er… a-as much as you can after dealing with me, anyhow.”

“ Wait, no, it’s--it’s fine, really .”

“… thank you for listening, Vanessa. I didn’t realize how much I needed to… ‘get that off of my chest,’ as it were.”

“ Hey, listen, it’s still early, Carolina and I can come get you, you can come have dinner with us. I don’t feel right leaving you alone like this. ”

“No, thank you. I’m not much for company right now. I… think I’m just going to go to bed.”

“ Doyle, wait-- ”

“Good night, Vanessa.”

                                                 -------------------

Doyle doesn’t come in on time the next morning.

Doyle is never late to work. In fact, he’s always early, settled into work for the day by the time Vanessa makes it in. So to see no trace of the man in the building after the rest of the staff is mostly in in the morning is jarring and almost frightening to begin with.

Vanessa has her suspicions.

Something about the dark office, the empty desk, the memory of just how tired Doyle had sounded on their call last night makes her feel sick and worried. She remembers how he’d very uncharacteristically snapped at her before leaving work the day before -- he’d apologized, true, but still… and last night had been… a hard date for him. Something’s wrong. She knows it.

But she waits. She waits five, ten minutes before she can’t stand it anymore. She doesn’t bother with a call. She just rushes from her office and down the back stairs, because taking the elevator will take too much time. She barely stops to apologize to Matthews after knocking into him on her way out the front door, and it’s hell to push upstream through the foot traffic for the two blocks between the offices and Doyle’s building, but she manages it.

His building had chosen to go for non-powered doors, far easier to build than the heavy steel sliders, though with far less security. Which is useful for Vanessa, considering it only takes her two minutes to break the damn thing off its hinges.

She’s only been to his apartment a handful of times, and every time, she’d noted how bare it was. Hardly looked lived-in. She’d thought that it was because all he did was go to work and then come home to sleep, he didn’t take days off. He didn’t have a lot of time for decorating. But now… she’s not so certain that’s the real reason. Now… it sort of feels like he didn’t plan to stay long.

“… Doyle?” She shakes her head, reaches up and pulls her helmet off when she sees his still sitting on the table by the door. “Doyle, it’s me.”

Nothing.

“Doyle? You home?”

Of course he’s home .

There’s only two doors in the apartment: she knows one to be the bathroom, which also has a door into the bedroom. So it’s this second door she tries when she finds the one to the bedroom locked. And it’s not only unlocked, but slightly ajar.

She had been afraid of what she might see once she reached his apartment. Her mind had given her a hundred possibilities: that lanky figure hanging from a ceiling figure by the neck, the coffin-sized bathtub overflowing with bloody water, a body slumped against a wall with gore smeared behind it and a gaping gunshot wound. Or worse, no trace of the man at all.

So when she sees the shadowed shape of a body in the bed, it’s… both something of a relief, and sucker punch to the gut that knocks all the breath from her body. She’s hesitant to cross the small room and turn on the overhead light, but she does, and it cuts off the third attempt to call the man’s name entirely.

Vanessa knows he isn’t going to answer her.

He left the empty medication bottles on his bedside table. Two of them, both prescribed to him by Doctor Grey, but… obviously a little out of date.

She’s seen her share of dead bodies. But all of them have gone out violently, or in mental anguish that still showed on the corpse. But Doyle… looks peaceful. Really like he’d gone to sleep. No fear, no pain, nothing. Just… peace.

She looks for a note. She doesn’t find one.

She calls whoever she needs to. Reports it. Suzy, the medic-turned-doctor, who Emily had trusted with her patients. Jensen and Smith, they’re… cops now, they have to be called. She stays while they look around, tells them what she knows. What he said. How he didn’t leave a note that she can find. They find he’s holding a set of military ID tags, with a gold ring dropped onto the chain. One of them is his. One of them is Doctor Grey’s.

When they finish up, she goes back to the office. She’ll… have to think of something to tell the people now. It occurs to her to check his office on the way by, check his desk for the projects he’d said he’d finished. She’ll have to clean it out anyway. She finds the files right where he said they’d be, but on top of them is something else: a piece of paper, marked with his flowing, elegant handwriting. Not messy, not hurried. Absolutely clear to read.

I’m very sorry I lied to you, Vanessa. I didn’t want to waste your time with a long goodbye. You had an appointment to keep, I had dinner plans. But if you’ve found this, then I suppose that you already know what those plans truly were.

Do you remember what I said, at the skirmish in Armonia? The outpost that was destroyed? It was our primary command facility, and the location of our field hospital. Where Emily was stationed. After the massacre there, Locus reported it to me in Armonia. He put her ring into my hand, and told me that he’d found her lying in the snow. That she’d already bled to death by the time he’d gotten to her. There was nothing he could have done. I still wear her tag. And her ring, on the chain.

Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was what I thought she must have looked like by then. And when it came to light that Locus had been lying to us… I was hoping that he’d lied about her too. And he had, which in all honesty came as nothing short of the most intense relief I think I’ve ever felt. I thought back then that I didn’t know how I’d ever get along without her. When you met me in Armonia, I was greatly considering letting you take your shot and end everything. I didn’t want to live without her. I’d considered doing it myself, but I couldn’t have done that to the soldiers.

Please don’t be upset with yourself. Or anyone else. Of course no one saw the signs. I made certain there weren’t any signs to show. I didn’t go a romantically poetic route and go all the way to the old Armonia site and let the radiation get me if the medication didn’t because I didn’t want to be stopped by some soul on the street and distracted. I didn’t want it to be loud and messy, or dramatic. I wanted this to be over. Rather appropriately, I am just so tired. I’ve been an insomniac since I could spell the word. I just want to sleep. This has been months in the making, Vanessa, there was never anything you or anyone else could have done to stop it.

Tell people whatever you like. Tell them the truth, tell them I was too weak to go on, too selfish to live without the woman I loved. Lie to them and tell them the trauma of war took its toll in other ways and I wasn’t strong enough to take it -- well, that part’s sort of true, I suppose. Or don’t tell them anything. It doesn’t matter in the slightest.

Do me a favor, would you, and make sure that whatever happens to me, they leave me with Emily’s things. There was nothing of her to bury but her plate armor, and I’ve had that since it happened. If we can’t be buried together properly, I’d like to do whatever we can .

She doesn’t know how long she spends standing there, reading and rereading the paper in her hands. She doesn’t know how long her radio chirps for before she notices it, and answers, her voice shaky and broken.

“Yes?”

“ General Kimball? It’s uh. It’s Smith, ma’am. There’s kind of a crowd out here, some reporters. Uh. What do you want us to tell them? ”

She pauses. “Don’t tell them anything. Not yet. I want to handle this properly.”

“ Yes ma’am. ”

                                                   -------------------

Suzy comes to visit around dinner. To check in on her, mostly, see how she’s holding up, but also to deliver some news.

Preliminary results of the autopsy say that it was the medication overdose that killed him, she’s confident to call it a clonazepam overdose right now. But there’s something else. Sort of an ultimate cliche, really.

His medical records all indicated a rather weak heart. But the heart she’d seen when she’d checked him over had been… different. There had been some swelling, she says, a specific swelling of the left ventricle that indicated something called takotsubo cardiomyopathy . It’s stress-related, and rare, and it mostly affects women between sixty and eighty. Dying from it is nearly unheard of, but if it goes untreated in someone with such high stress, well, it can cause other problems. If he’d ignored it, or had never noticed, it could have contributed to heart failure.

It’s the common name that almost, darkly, makes Vanessa laugh. Some people, Suzy tells her, call it broken heart syndrome .

“The physical broken heart didn’t kill him,” Suzy clarifies. “But by all accounts, it was probably going to.”

[hyumjim]

timestamp 12/27/19  12 PM: OK *big sigh* I just feel like Taehyung, more than anyone else in bangtan, tends to use v live weverse etc to communicate honest struggles he's having w/ us, especially recently. just this december he’s talked about:

his self-composed Christmas song “happy Christmas”: he shared an unfinished snippet of this song last year around the same time, saying that he wanted to sing it with Jimin but the producer said the lyrics shouldn’t be sung by two men.... so, he streamed again this year with a clip of the song sung by Adora instead, but said that he wouldn’t release it this way because it “wouldn't feel right.” he wants to stay true to his vision of the song and do it with jimin... now that Christmas has come and gone with no word from him, it figures that the producers are still not budging on this, which makes me really sad...

sasaeng fans on planes: tae very diplomatically, gently but persistently brought this up on his own, speaking about the fans who pull strings and figure out their schedule to follow them onto planes, making it impossible for them to relax even on long flights, so they now have to take private planes everywhere; “I wish they wouldn't, it’s really scary.” I think it’s very courageous of him to speak up about this and we can start to get a sense of the pressure and constant scrutiny he is under....

his reply to this person on weverse-- army’s comment is: “I’m so tired of dealing with people. I can’t even sleep, and whenever I think about this and that, I look at you guys, smile, and feel comforted. Thank you always.” tae’s response to them: “I’m the same. When I was young, I used to like people so I would approach them first but, there were a lot of people who saw me as V, not Taehyung, and that’s why I’ve changed a lot. Now I only see ‘my people’.” I guess this one is self-explanatory but it really breaks my heart in combination with #1... it also makes me think of that one so-called army who posted rude comments about him being “too loud” after she was lucky enough to run into him at the aquarium in public in 2018. thankfully I don’t think that comment ever made its way back to him, but comments like it certainly have-- if we think about what “seeing him as V not Taehyung” means... holding him to a very high standard, judging his behavior based on whether it’s fit for a celebrity rather than a normal person. again, it just makes me think of the tremendous pressure he is under all of the time, even in his private life. I think that as bts gets more and more famous, it’s getting harder for him to deal with.

on top of that, there is the current vape “controversy.” jimin uploaded a Christmas video which apparently included an image of Taehyung with his Juul (wbk he vapes, he accidentally exposed himself before too), it was quickly taken down but of course he’s fielding all sorts of ridiculous criticism now-- right before his birthday too (dec 30). because of his birthday’s proximity to Christmas, I think it makes sense that the holidays would be a really important time for tae, which is also why the Christmas song issue hits so hard... I'm sure right now he is feeling the pressure even more than ever-- so, today he made this comment on weverse:

“아쉬워”

WV auto-translated this as “I'm sorry” but @SPOTLIGHTBTS on twt translates it as a more complicated feeling, like “it was lacking,” in regards to his performance on KBS gayo. so that’s a little less worrying than just a straight-up apology with no context. still, it’s obvious that he’s feeling down right now, and I am worried about him!!!! I don't know why I felt the need to write this all out I am just worried and need to express myself lol!! but if you have time, send him a positive message on twt or WV or something, thanks <3 

[beauzoleils]

ABIGAIL  COWEN ,  CISFEMALE ,  SHE / HER    →   according  to  the  school  records ,  NATALIE  LUCILLE  BEAUSOLEIL  has  been  attending  sacred  heart  for  the  past  three  years .  i  last  saw  them   hanging  around  the  john  bracken  library  ;  i  think  they  were  working  on  writing  her  novel .  at  twenty - one  years  old ,  natalie  has  been  studying  english  literature  and  get  this ,  i   heard  that  she’ll  zone  out  while  writing  papers  for  class  and  come  to  surrounded  by  pages  and  pages  full  of  archaic  languages  she  doesn’t  speak   —   figure  it’s  true ?  everyone  around  here  always  associates  them  with  a  moonlight  sonata  echoing  through  empty  halls ,  seats  in  the  back  row  at  the  opera ,  and  dead  flowers  pressed  between  the  pages  of  an  old  book .  in  the  time  since  these  strange  happenings ,  they  have  encountered  unexplained  occurrences .     

HI ,  hello .  i’m  hannah  n  this  is  like .  the  only  thing  i’ve  been  thinking  about  recently ,  aka  i’m  so  excited .  ok  anyway !  i’m  20 ,  kickin  it  in  the  est !  i’m  a  full  time  student  ( majoring  in  being  a  dumb  bitch  n  gay  rights  and  i’m  at  the  top  of  my  class  baby . . )  and  i’m  ALSO  a  preschool  teacher  so  if  i’m  ever  Not  here ,  i’m  with  my  babies  ! !  but  that  isn’t  the  reason  why  ur  all  here . .   ur  here  for  an  intro  post !  so !  

let’s  talk  abt  my  girl . . .  𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄  𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐈𝐋 !

okay .  so .  first  thing’s  first .  i  have  some  Real  Things  prepared  for  my  girl ,  including  but  not  limited  to :

a  pinterest  board !

a  stats  page !

and  what  i  call  NATALIE :  A  TRAGEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS .  it’s  kind  of  a  bio ,  mixed  in  with  some  stage  directions  here  and  there .  it’s  a  quick  read  n  rly  gives  you  that  Natalie  Flavor  if  you  know  what  i  mean . .  so  if  you  feel  so  inclined  n  wanna  take  a  look . .  but  full  disclosure  it  rly  does  hit  different  than  just  reading  this  intro 

anyway !  i’ll  give  a  more  condensed  version  of  her  bio  here  n  some  info  abt  her  personality  n  some  random  headcanons . .  etc !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈 :  𝑨 𝑯𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀

alright  SO .  our  girl  natalie  was  born  on  april  13 ,  1952  to  michel  and  colette  beausoleil .  it  was  a  thursday ,  and  it  was  ALSO  eleven  weeks  before  colette’s  due  date ,  so  we  all  know  that  can’t  be  good 

( spoiler  alert :  it  wasn’t )

natalie  was  supposed  to  be  a  twin ,  but  the  other  baby  ( a  boy  named  pierre )  didn’t  survive .  they  didn’t  think  that  natalie  would ,  but  she did !  unfortunately ,  her  parents  were  too  wounded  by  the  loss  of  their  other  baby  and  it  was  all grieving  and  no  celebrating .  

also .  there’s  more  info  abt  her  parents  n  how  they  met  in  the  bio  but ,  a  sparknotes  version  is  that  michel  was  a  playwright  in  paris  and  colette  was  a  ballerina / his  muse  and  they  rushed  into  a  marriage 

michel  made  it  rly  big  a  couple  yrs  after  natalie  was  born  and  so  they  decided  to  use  that  $ $ $  to  send  natalie  away  to  an  expensive  boarding  school  in  london  called  our  lady  of  sacred  suffering .  it  was ,  of  course ,  a  catholic  girls  boarding  school  and  natalie  hated  it  there

but  they  hated  natalie  there  bc  she  was  just  the  WORST  catholic  school  girl  of  all  time ,  so  it  was  mutual

meanwhile ,  her  relationship  w  her  parents  is . .  very  complicated .  her  dad  is  just  kind  of  The  Worst  across  the  board ,  very  reliant  on  drinking ,  definitely  got  into  drug  use  at  some  point ,  had  lots  of  affairs  with  the  young  actresses  in  his  plays .  and  colette  was  just . .  very  sad  and  very  absent  so  the  support  was  Minimal

natalie  has  a  lot  of  issues  that  are  all  rooted  in  her  childhood  tbh .

somewhere  along  the  way ,  she  found  a  deep  passion  for  Writing  and  developed  this  sense  of  purpose  and  for  a  minute  things  were  going  very  well 

which  we  all  know  means  things  are  about  to  get  WORSE . 

on  her  eighteenth  birthday ,  natalie  receieves  a  card  in  the  mail  from  her  mother  for  the  First  Time  Ever .  and  she  immediately  is  like .  huh .  well .  something  is  Wrong .

she’s  right .

( tw :  nondescript  mentions  of  car  crashes  &  death )

a  week  later ,  she  receives  word  that  her  parents  were  involved  in  a  serious  car  accident  at  the  pont  de  l’alma  tunnel  in  paris  and  her  did  not  survive  the  accident .

( end  tw )

her  mother’s  family  is  not  convinced  that  michel  should  walk  away  from  this  without  blame  and  decides  to  take  legal  action  against  him  and  get  him  convicted  with  a  more  serious  charge  than  just  manslaughter . 

they  promise  to  keep  natalie  out  of  it  as  much  as  possible  but  when  it  comes  time  to  testify  as  to  whether  or  not  michel  had  a  history  of  not  caring  about  colette’s  life  and  well - being ,  the  only  one  who  can  speak  to  it  is  natalie .

so  she  testifies  and  it’s  her  testimony  that  is  the  metaphorical  nail  in  the  coffin .  

( tw :  suicide  mention )

michel  knows  it ,  too .  that’s  what  natalie  thinks .  he  turns  up  dead  in  his  jail  cell  the  day  before  he’s  supposed  to  be  sentenced .  she  never  knows  if  he  deserved  the  life  sentence  he  was  going  to  be  given .

( end  tw ) 

so  then !  she’s  an  orphan !  but  she  does  gain  control  over  everything  that  her  parents  left  behind ,  which  turns  out  to  be  a  lot .  

she  sells  their  house  in  paris ,  goes  to  wales  to  begin  university ,  and  hasn’t  gone  back  since  then .  but  like ,  she  grew  up  in  london  for  the  most  part  so  she’s  not  exactly  sad  about  being  away  from  paris  and  all  the  ghosts  there .

and  now  she’s  at  sacred  heart ,  working  on  writing  her  debut  novel ,  which  is  the  ( albeit ,  dramatized  and  fictionalized )  story  of  her  parents !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈 :  𝑨  𝑺𝑼𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑹𝒀 .

so  basically ,  she’s  got  issues .

fictional  character  inspo  includes :  jo  march ,  alaska  young ,  cheryl  blossom

if  you  know  anything  abt  astrology . .  she’s  an  aries  sun ,  mercury ,  and  venus . .  and  a  scorpio  moon  and  mars . .  and  a  gemini  rising . .  i’m  so  sorry JKDSFM

she’s  very  emotional  but  does  a  super  good  job  of  hiding  it  and  keeping  all  those  emotions  ( esp  the  intense  n  darker  ones )  buried  away . .  deep  down  where  no  one  could  see  it

the  minute  that  ppl  kind  of  ? ?  but  two  and  two  together  n  realize  who  she  is  ( bc . .  in  my  head . .  her  dad’s  whole  trial  was  kind  of .  A  Thing  that  the  public  knew  abt . )  they’re  probably  rly  concerned  w  Little  she  shows  any  real  emotion  to  the  whole  thing . 

rly  she’s  just  the  queen  of  compartmentalizing  n  repressing !

she’s  very . .  Assertive .  like ,  when  she  wants  something  she’s  going  to  do  whatever  it  takes  to  get  her  way  

very  Very  reckless .  she’s  like . .  so  fucking  impulsive  that  it  physically  Pains  me  sometimes .

she’s  very  smart  but  like .  More  So ,  she’s  very  clever  and  very  sharp  with  her  words .  a  very  fast  thinker  and  a  very  loud  talker 

someone  please . .  tell  her  to  stop  yelling .  she  needs  to  Relax . 

she’s  very  charming  i’ll  say  it .  n  like ?  seems  cool ?  the  kind  of  person  that  you  meet  and  immediately  want  to  hang  out  w  them .  

very  flirty ,  has  always  used  that  charming  smile  of  hers  to  get  ppl  in  her  corner  and  she’s  not  gonna  stop  now !  she’s  very  good  at  making  ppl  feel  special  

but  like .  she  means  well  most  of  the  time  sdkfj  her  heart  is  in  the  right  place  okay

big  time  trust  issues .  big  time  commitment  issues .  painfully  independent  and  refuses  to  let  anyone  know  how  much  she  cares  about  them  until  she’s  like . .  Really  sure  that  they  aren’t  going  to  hurt  her

also  very  afraid  of  hurting  people ,  which  is  another  reason  why  she  struggles  to  get  attached  to  people .  she  definitely  has  this  deep - rooted  fear  that  Bad  Things  follower  her  and  she  doesn’t  want  to  drag  ppl  into  that

it’s  literally  a  toss - up  as  to  whether  she’s  going  to  seem  like  she’s  demanding  ur  attention  or  entirely  disinterested  in  it .  bc  she’s  all  over  the  place . 

but  like .  i’m  an  emotional  BITCH  so  she’s  probably  going  to  end  up  being  100000%  softer  than  i  intend  bc  i  project  too  much  soft  bitch  energy  onto  my  characters  Always .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈𝐈 :  𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺 .

so  many  things .  literally ,  anything .  just  a  disclaimer ,  if  u  read  thru  this  and  had  An  Idea  then  like .  yes  Pls  tell  me ,  i  want  it  xoxo 

but  here  are  some  i  have  up  in  the  old . .  noggin .

EXES .  please ,  please . .  for  the  love  of  GOD  give  me  some  angsty  exes  nonsense .  do  you  need  someone  who  broke  ur  characters  heart ?  consider  natalie  UR  GIRL .  she’s  Emotionally  Damaged  and  has  the  capacity  to  be  the  angstiest  ex  of  all  time ,  okay ?

give  her  a  weakness .  she  needs  someone  who  she’s  Actually  vulnerable  around  and  actually  sees  her  have  emotions  and  knows  she’s  not  just  this  huge  Mess  all  the  time

i  rly  want  someone  that  is  like .  from  the  same  ( ish )  bg  as  her  in  the  sense  that  like . .  they  also  were  surrounded  by  nice  clothes  n   expensive  private  schools  n  Luxury  but  like .  they  Thrive  in  it  the  way  natalie  used  to  wish  that  she  could .  n  just .  i  think  it  would  b  a  super  interesting  dynamic  bc  they  would  just !  clash !  so  intensely ! !  n  tbh  nat  would  probably  b  lowkey  jealous  Still  n .  spicy !

@ all  those  ppl  who  are  into  theatre :  i’m  Dying  for  some  connections  of  ppl  who  knew / knew  of  her  father  n  would  know  what  happened  w  him  perhaps  on  a  deeper  level  than  ppl  who  read  it  in  the  newspaper  a  few  yrs  ago . .  ( bonus  points  if  they  lowkey  idolized / looked  up  to  her  dad  bc  thats  a  Big  Mess  and  could  b  spicy  as  fuck  to  explore ,  u know ? ) 

idk  if  any  of  y’all  have  characters  who  grew  up  in / around  paris ?  but  if  there  are . .  then  Perhaps  someone  who  knew  her  in  her  youth ?

okay .  not  to  be  Trash  but  like .  i  rly  want  her  to  have  a  dynamic  that’s  jo  x  laurie  adjacent ?  do  they  have  to  be  in  love  w  her ?  no !  i  just  want someone  that  has  that  genuine  bond  w  her  and  they  care  abt  each  other  n  goof  around  n  like . .  i’m  already  getting  soft  on  main ,  huh , ,

she’s  soo  fucking  messy  that  like . .  all  the  messy  fwb / frenemies  with  benefits / one  night  stand  type  of  plots . .  yes  pls 

i  always  want  there  to  b  a  badass  girl  squad  like .  a  group  of  ladies  n  theydies  that  take  no  shit  n  get  in  fights  for  each  other  n  rly  truly  ride  or  die  w  each  other . .  we  can  workshop  the  name  ok  but  for  now ?  my  girl  squad  is  open  for  applications 

okay .  let  me  cut  myself  off  right  there  but  i’ll  leave  you  with  my  WANTED  CONNECTIONS  TAG  n  also  again  i’m 10000%  okay  to  just  brainstorm  out  something  else  completely  if  its  what  ur  feeling !

if  u  read  all / any  of  this . .  i  love  u . <3  either hmu on discord ( let's go 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝒷𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓈 ! #6227 ) ksdjfskm  OR !  like  this  n  i  will  come  to  u !  okay ,  that’s  all ,  bye 

[jerseydeanne]

George Soros, the billionaire investor and liberal donor, sat in his hotel suite by Lake Zurich last week, lamenting the turn much of the world has taken in recent years: "Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

His favored presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, lost to President Donald Trump, whose "America First" platform runs counter to the globalism Soros embraces. Trump, he said, "is willing to destroy the world." The European Union, which Soros once hoped would be so successful that he could end his charitable work in the region, is contending with the impending loss of Britain and a rise of anti-immigrant sentiment. And Soros himself has emerged as a political target in elections from Hungary to California, where his donations have been used as a cudgel against the causes he supports.

The 87-year-old Holocaust survivor, who has poured much of his fortune into promoting liberal values around the globe, is now confronting a wave of nationalist sentiment washing against issues he has championed.

But rather than recede from public life in his twilight years, Soros has decided to push even harder for his agenda, he told The Washington Post in a rare interview

"The bigger the danger, the bigger the threat, the more I feel engaged to confront it," Soros said Thursday. Wearing an open-collar shirt, he spoke animatedly for an hour, sitting at a table in his suite after an appearance at a Human Rights Watch conference.

Confronting brick walls

Soros' willingness to remain in the fray comes as he faces renewed vilification from a wide-ranging group of opponents that includes actress Roseanne Barr and Russian President Vladimir Putin. He has been accused of being an all-powerful puppet master, a Nazi sympathizer and the person controlling the Democratic Party.

He acknowledges that the attacks can blunt his impact.

"It makes it very difficult for me to speak effectively because it can be taken out of context and used against me," Soros said.

For all the billions of dollars at his disposal, Soros is also being forced to reckon with limits on his political influence in the United States. He acknowledged that he did not see Trump's election coming. "Apparently, I was living in my own bubble," he said.

Soros, who plans to spend at least $15 million in 2018 races, has already faced some setbacks this cycle. His bid to replace several district attorneys in California with challengers seeking changes to the criminal justice system was largely unsuccessful in Tuesday's elections. "We ran into a brick wall in California," he said.

Soros said he is certain in his assessment of Trump, whom he describes as a "narcissist" who "considers himself all-powerful."

But he does not appear settled on the strategy to defeat him. Soros said he disapproves of a campaign by fellow liberal billionaire Tom Steyer to push to impeach the president, saying he would only support such an effort if Democrats retake Congress this year and gain Republican support.

Soros, who said he wants to avoid dividing the party, also refused to pick favorites among the emerging crop of 2020 Democratic presidential contenders. But there is one prospective candidate he said he hopes does not get the nod: Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand of New York.

He blames Gillibrand for pushing the resignation of former senator Al Franken "whom I admire," Soros said, "in order to improve her chances."

Franken resigned in January after a number of women alleged that he touched them inappropriately. Gillibrand was a leading voice urging her fellow Democrat to quit.

She declined to comment.

Earlier this year, Patrick Gaspard, the former Obama White House political director who now runs Soros' Open Society Foundations, said he asked the billionaire how he viewed the organization's role at a time when so much of Soros' work is under assault.

"This is the moment we were built for," Soros responded, according to Gaspard.

The Hungarian-born Soros, who became one of the world's wealthiest people by managing hedge funds and betting on currency changes, has given away billions of dollars to groups promoting human rights, democracy and liberal causes.

His New York-based Open Society Foundations now spends $940 million a year in 100 countries, promoting values such as free speech and free elections, according to the group. In the United States, the Open Society spends $150 million a year financing groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union and Planned Parenthood.

For a period of time, Soros was the largest private donor in Russia, funding initiatives such as an anti-torture program, according to the foundation. Two years ago, Putin's government effectively banned Soros' group from distributing funds in the country, calling it "undesirable" and "a threat to the fundamentals of the constitutional system."

Last week, Putin suggested that Soros's spending around the world resembles the kind of political interference that U.S. intelligence officials blame on Russia.

"He intervenes in things all over the world," Putin told Austrian television. "But the State Department will tell you that it has nothing to do with that, that this is the personal business of Mr. Soros."

Elsewhere in Europe, Soros has also come under attack. This year, Viktor Orban, the right-wing prime minister of Hungary, won reelection after charging that Soros wanted to flood Europe with Muslim immigrants. Orban said one of his first efforts would be to pass a "Stop Soros" bill, aimed at cracking down on organizations he views as countering his agenda.

"I'm painfully aware that they are against the ideas that I stand for," Soros said of his critics around the world.

2016 and Trump

In the United States, Soros was initially seen as an ally by Republicans who shared his opposition to communist dictators. He made modest donations to support the GOP in the 1980s and 1990s, according to campaign finance reports.

But he turned decisively against Republicans after President George W. Bush invaded Iraq in 2003 based on faulty intelligence about weapons of mass destruction.

Since then, his political spending - a fraction of the money he gives away every year - has made him one of the Democratic Party's most reliable and generous donors.

In 2016, he poured at least $25 million into mobilizing Democratic voters in an effort to bolster Clinton and other candidates on the left, a Soros spokesman said.

In the final days of the White House race, Trump spoke in his closing television ad about sending a tough message to "global special interests" who wanted to control Washington, as images of Soros and other financial leaders who are Jewish flashed on the screen amid footage of Clinton.

Soros, who describes himself as an agnostic Jew, said he considered the ad "a coded anti-Semitic message."

On Election Day, Soros gathered with friends to watch returns in his Fifth Avenue duplex, overlooking the reservoir of New York's Central Park.

As the returns came in, "the party turned into a wake," said Anthony Romero, executive director of the ACLU, who was one of the guests.

Soros said he spent months studying what went wrong in the election. He said he concluded that while Clinton would have made a "very good president," she was not a good campaigner. "She was too much like a schoolmarm," Soros said. "Talking down to people . . . instead of listening to them."

But he said he also diagnosed a larger problem: the increasing ease with which people's opinions can be manipulated. "It is so much easier to destroy trust than to build it up," Soros said.

Soros has known Trump for years. Decades ago, the two men dined together several times at the Berkshire estate of a mutual friend, Soros said.

"I had no idea he had political ambitions, but I didn't like his behavior as a businessman," he said.

At one point, he said, Trump asked him to be the lead tenant in a new office building he was developing in New York City.

"Name your price," Trump said, according to Soros. Soros said he declined because he was concerned that being so closely associated with the developer, whose Atlantic City casinos were financially troubled at the time, would hurt "my reputation."

The White House and the Trump Organization did not respond to requests for comment.

Soros said that if Democrats win in a "landslide" and forge a bipartisan relationship with moderate Republicans, as he expects, then he would favor impeaching Trump "because he is endangering the United States and the world."

But even then, there would be a cost, he said: "This would make [Vice President] Mike Pence the president, who is much more competent in representing the far right, whose views with which I disagree, than Trump himself."

Races, donations, defiance

This cycle, Soros has focused his political investments on congressional races and mobilizing voters on the left. His largest donation this year has been $5 million to Win Justice, a voter-mobilization group focused on minorities, women and young voters in Florida, Michigan and Nevada.

He has also continued to invest in district attorney races, saying prosecutors are "the linchpin of the judicial system" and key to his effort to reduce prison sentences. He sent $1.45 million to a group that supported civil rights attorney Larry Krasner in his successful race for Philadelphia district attorney last year. A spokesman said Krasner had never met Soros or anyone in his organization.

Soros' recent efforts in California were not so successful. Three of his candidates for district attorney in California lost their primaries, and a fourth faces a runoff.

His financial support became a political issue in some of the campaigns. Sacramento County District Attorney Anne Marie Schubert, who defeated her challenger Tuesday, claimed that the city was "under attack" from the billionaire, "who has brought his war against law enforcement" to Sacramento.

The breadth of Soros' spending has made him a frequent target of critics on the right, who suggest he is secretly backing movements that appear to be driven by the grass roots.

Former congressman Jack Kingston, a Georgia Republican who is a CNN commentator, suggested on Twitter in February that Soros and other activists, rather than students, were behind a protest in the wake of a Florida high school shooting in which a gunman killed 17 people.

A spokesman said Soros had no involvement with the protest.

Kingston said in an interview that he was merely raising the question of whether Soros was involved.

"Some names invoke an emotional outcry from the red-meat crowds, and certainly he is one of them on the right," Kingston said. "The left has theirs. He does get that sort of sinister, that is, that kind of myth about him, that he plays in the shadows. Maybe that's wrong."

Last month, Soros' name went viral again when Barr tweeted that he is "a nazi who turned in his fellow Jews to be murdered in German concentration camps & stole their wealth."

Among those who retweeted her was the president's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr.

Soros, who said he used false papers at age 13 to survive the Nazi occupation of Hungary, calls such claims "a total fabrication," adding that they "annoy me greatly."

But he is not fazed, he said.

"I'm proud of my enemies," Soros said. "When I look at the enemies I have all over the world, I must be doing something right."

The Washington Post's Alice Crites and David Weigel contributed to this report.

Europe

George Soros

Russia

Elections

Donald Trump

Republican Party