#anyway bad therapists are bad and there are many many reasons why someone wouldn't want to see a therapist

[autisticchangeling]

We don’t need to pit therapy and better social support (higher wages, universal basic income, etc) against each other. We should want both.

Like, I think UBI would solve a lot of problems, and also I think therapy should be more accessible for more people. These are not mutually exclusive, and neither is a solution for the other - therapy can’t solve poverty, and better social support will not eliminate the need for mental health support.

[lotusmi]

SUCCESS STORY!!🤎🧸

tw//mental problems, abusive family, bullying, suicide attempt, manifest/void obsession

first of all i want to thank lotus because it helped me even when i was thinking about suicide❤️‍🩹

it's been years since I learned loa and I was having problems with the manifest. althought I have known loa for 2-3 years, i constantly reacted to 3D and for such reasons I could not manifest anything for 2-3 years. and when i first learned loa i was obsessed with void. I was hurting myself to enter void. like if you don't enter void today I will kill you. i was crazy because of void. at the same time, I was staying in the family environment that dragged me to death, and I was bullied at school . i was hated by people even though i did nothing. i tried to commit suicide many times, my family wouldn't let me go to the therapist. also, no one said anything to the bullying I saw. thats why I bullied myself for years in the same way. if I told anyone I was being bullied and asked for help, they would say it was probably my problem to my face💀💀 and towards the end of 2022, i seriously couldn't stand it anymore. i was constantly reading blogs [i think there is no blog i haven't read, lmao] and the last time i couldn't stand it, i tried suicide again, but i failed. later i wrote to lotus and she gave me a lot of advice (baby ily😩❤️) and i cried more than i have ever cried that night. the problem is that while people were already ruining me, the real problem was that i was ruining myself too. after that day, in the first week, i had so many problems in my manifest journey. but until 2023, i said to myself, "i don't want to live like this anymore. i deserve the life I want.” i made a promise. and every time I felt like quitting, i remembered my promise to myself. and now i have revised my whole life, i live in dubai🤭. if you're going to ask how i did this, i started to listen to my inner voice, i almost stopped entering tumblr. i stopped affirming and wrote down the things that i was gonna revise one by one, and added them to the notes app on my phone. i made a note at the bottom that I already have these in my life. when “what if I can't manifest the life I want?” if such thoughts came to my mind, i told myself that the creation was already finished. in this process, i focused only on myself and was developing my self concept. before I went to bed at night, i was constantly imagining the life I wanted and I was staying in that state and saying I already had the life I wanted, I didn't affirm anything extra. and even those who made life difficult for me started to apologize to me. (i manifested their karma life lol) anyway I don't want to talk more about those bitches but I want to mention this. please take a break. relax. stay away from things like void, loa for a few days. I noticed that some of you are obsessed with void on this blog. but i must say void is just a method. if i manifested the life i wanted when i was only 12-13 years old, you can do it too. take a break and do what feels good to you. love yourself. loa blogs can help you up to a point. they can't spare all their days for you. start taking responsibility. find manifest methods that work well for you. love yourself. meditate. i’ve talked a lot but I would like to add that, if someone tells you that you are the cause of the circumstances you are experiencing right now, that you created the conditions in which you live, please tell them to shut their fucking mouths. no such thing. i was blaming myself again, thinking what a disgusting monster i am just because this “you create ur reality” thingy. but the truth is that creation is already over. good luck!

MY FAV SUCCESS STORY TO EXIST!!!! 😭

I literally cried when this girl texted me saying she is living her dream life, I was so pround, I am pround 💗

Backstory, she first texted me 12/15/2022

She told me everything about her circumstances, they were really bad ones, and she was 12 at time and this made my heart so broken (she revised her age) since her parents were really toxic and disgusting ( I am not going to say much about her old story).

So I told her all about the toxic home I lived and how I manifested it away too (my success, my failures).

So, time passed and 01/feb I got this text!

I literally cried because I was so happy for herrrr 💗😭😭

"How she did it?"

She focused in her inner Self being the only reality and ignored all circumstances!

"and i would love to you to add those youtubers and blogs" insta: - kriston jackson youtube: - lana blakely tumblr: - @becomingthatgirl111 — other sources abt loa: - joe dispenza, edward art"

I literally cried so much and I am so happy for you my angel, look how you did it! You were 12 and revised your whole life! 💗💗💗

And that are people out there who don't believe that it is possible to manifest things. Look at this girl 💓

You did it amazing love, I am so pround of you. You are deserving of all the best things in the world. I wish you all the fun in life. Thank you sm for sending me this, I feel so appreciated that I had helped you, but who did all of this was YOU! 💗💗💗

✉️You all, everything is possible!

[copperbadge]

As a writer with ADHD who has gone to therapy for years, it has actually been very helpful in gaining tools to sort of "manually" emotionally regulate. My therapist says that writing fiction is a great tool to practice having emotions and regulating them, but like you I struggled with real-life negative emotions, especially a sudden unexpected one. The aftershocks could go on for days. It's had a really positive effect on my life and my relationships, and even my self-esteem. Hope this is useful

Okay, so this is interesting, because we've been talking in the comments of the post about what therapy is or can do, and I think I got stuck a bit backwards in terms of like "This technique doesn't seem like it would work on me regardless."

Because part of it is that I don't want to tell someone what won't work for me if I also don't actually have any kind of goal -- saying "I don't know why I'm here and also I'm going to fight you" is like...one, rude, and two, well then what are we even doing, you know? Why waste the time, I don't enjoy fighting with psychologists. If I don't want to do most of what it entails AND I don't have a reason to go, then therapy's just, you know, not for me. Which is fine, but I'd like to commit to either trying it out or ignoring it, instead of this endless circular motion, which bogged me down a bit in the post.

But if we backtrack to actually having a goal, then yeah, okay, more regulation would not be a bad one. I don't know that I believe it's possible given the only thing I've found that works is, uh, prescription amphetamines, and even then in very limited application, but again: haven't been to therapy in twenty-five years. So while I immediately know many things that wouldn't work, saying "I was diagnosed with ADHD recently and apparently emotional dysregulation is a thing, I've mostly fixed it but maybe there's something that could fix it more" might work. It sounds better than "I don't like this emotion and would like to know how to stop feeling it" anyway, even if the point is the same. And my meds psych is likely to be knowledgeable about specific people who might help me, when put like that.

I keep forgetting my next appointment with him is actually going to be in-person -- they're starting to adjust telehealth rules regarding controlled substance prescription, so he's supposed to get face-to-face with me at least every six months. I like him and trust him but every time I see that "in person" note on my calendar it zaps me back to being a teenager and experiencing the Weekly Dread of the Feelings Hour again. His extremely firm boundaries about Not Being My Therapist and the fact that I'm also kind of pleased to be able to meet him in person are keeping me from cancelling the appointment, at least. And my awkwardness on video calls has already prepared him to deal with Anxious Sam in person, so hopefully nothing will seem amiss.

[gen-x-genderqueer]

I have a pre-intake call with someone at the gender clinic tomorrow, they have care coordinators, so I guess this is about that. Anyway, I'm making a list of concerns. This is long and pretty personal, so it's going to go under a cut....

The Major Problems

My PMDD is bad. This is the biggest reason why my therapist is pushing me to at least talk to someone about hormones. I had a history of being seriously suicidal (as in actual attempts) when I was a teenager and then things settled down for a while. Now that I'm actually going through perimenopause though, it's gotten really unstable. The level of PMDD I'm having right now is close to that bad; although I have better coping tactics so I'm not actually suicidal.

My cycles are often 18-21 days long, sometimes as short as 16 or 17. Even with two LONG cycles (over 36 days), I still had 15 cycles in 2022. That means 15 rounds of severe PMDD.

I am experiencing "vaginal dryness" (more specifically vulval dryness) that periodically makes me feel like I'm about to come down with a UTI. Ick.

Hot flashes.

Based on the PMDD alone, I think it would probably be a good idea to shut down my cycles (at the ovarian level, so not uterine ablation). Probably this means some sort of oral contraception, progesterone minipill or testosterone. But the last two symptoms are usually treated with estrogen so... I don't really know this is where I need a doctor who has more knowledge & expertise.

The Big T

Part of why I'm specifically looking at going to a gender clinic for treatment is that I want to be able to talk to them about T. I had always said "Oh, if I had known that I could be nonbinary and take T when I was 25 I would have totally done that." But I'm also really resistant to medicalization, and without any other motivators, I really would rather just not see a doctor. At all. (OK, maybe if I have pneumonia or a UTI.) This was a major reason why I put off having breast reduction surgery for many years, I just didn't want to have medical care if I didn't absolutely have to.

Anyway... back to the question at hand... If I need to see someone for perimenopause reasons, then I want it to be someone I can talk to about low dose testosterone without them running away screaming. Apparently, using small amounts of T in menopausal cisgender women is useful, but controversial because everyone is so worried about "masculinization." Like... No. I'm really not worried about that. But I don't want to have to sit in a sterile little medical room and have to educate my provider.

So, here's how I feel about possible effects of T...

Menstrual cessation: Uh... see above! This would be a good thing.

Voice changes: YES PLEASE! This would be my number 1 positive!

Bottom growth: I would be into this, but it wouldn't be a major goal.

Facial/body hair: This one I'm kinda on the fence about. I mostly do not want facial hair for the sole reason that I pull it out with my fingernails. It's not a healthy fidget. 😬 Hair other places, I'm cool with it, I don't really care that much. Right now, I choose to shave my armpits, but literally only because I feel like antiperspirant works better if I do and I don't like damp pits.

Hair loss: Oh HELL NO! And this is a huge one because I'm old enough that if I was a cisgender guy, I would be having hair loss right now. Big no on having that happen.

Body changes: Look, I work out. I lift heavy. I already have a good deal of muscle and I'd be stoked to increase that. (If you didn't know I was a GenX gymrat before, the word "stoked" would be a major clue.) Changes in bodyfat distribution are more ho-hum. I'm not dysphoric about my butt or anything, but I'd be OK with subtle changes.

Facial structure/jawline changes: I'm alright with this. I might be more enthusiastic if I understood what it will look like on me.

Vaginal dryness/atrophy: Uh... I'm already on the road to this and it's one of the reasons I'm seeking perimenopause care. So this is going to need to get dealt with one way or another.

[butterflybluelady]

If everyone is the problem, then the problem is you

Slight vent post

I haven't been using tumblr much and honestly I have meant to come back here and use it more.

2 years ago, this random guy contacted me on my deviantart. It was during my people pleaser phase, which is why I didn't instantly block him. First message was hello, the next complaining about his life.

This guy spent the better part of 2 years talking AT me, not with me. He learned very little about me, I knew far more about him than I wish I ever did. He considered me a friend, I did not consider him a friend. I felt like I was being used as a therapist.

He did various things that weren't appropriate. - When my cat passed, I let everyone know I'd be taking a break to mourn. I received many condolences which I appreciated, from him I received a great wall of text about his own cat passing many years ago. It wasn't a "I know how you feel, I sympathize with you," kind of thing either. At the same time, his favorite game was shutting down and he wouldn't stop pestering me about it. He also sent me pictures of his own cat, which looked a lot like mine and he knew that. I really didn't want messages like that. - He made a rude comment on one of my works because he didn't like how much skin my character was showing. My friends saw this and also felt it was rude. I confronted him. He really didn't see anything wrong with what he said because we are 'friends.' His relationship with me made him feel like he could say what he wanted. - He made a huge Welcome Spring post, 10% was about spring, the rest was him complaining about his life. He tagged not just myself but several other artists. I followed suit of the first commenter and only said happy spring. Others did the same. - Within this very post he had also made a gross comparison of his 'mistreatment' of other peoples OCs, and saying it was as bad as sexual abuse. I'm a survivor and that made me want to punch him in the face. To compare something so trivial to such an awful life changing act is ignorant. - When he found out about my dyslexia he said he wished he could fix it by having me read his fanfic. For those who don't know, dyslexia doesn't just affect my ability to write but even my ability to read. His comment was ignorant. I wouldn't have read his fanfic anyways since his self insert was an edgelord/gary stu. Only his self insert was written that badly, he made other characters that were great. - I am more than certain he was a liar. I did a commission for him(his Gary Stu) and he wanted his character to wear a certain type of hat that he claims he wears on the regular. He sent me a reference of said hat.... It was the wrong hat. And if he wore such a hat, why didn't he just send me a picture of the one he owns and wears on the regular? He sent me a picture of himself, so sending me his hat shouldn't have been a problem - He shit talked about a lot of artists, claimed they were mean, and they ghosted him a lot. I can see why. If you do nothing but talk at someone, it pushes people away.

I tried going low contact with him, he would pester me with "are you okay" messages. Sometimes I'd give in, say I was fine and busy. Right after that he'd go on about his life. He asked me about my brother a couples times because he had emergency surgery. But I had also informed him a long time ago my brother was fine. I think the only reason he asked my brother so much, is because that's all he either knew about me or could remember about m.

This last time, I told him I wasn't really much of a talker. He messaged back with disappointment. I decided to confront him about mostly talking at me and not with me. I was polite and gentle.

He did not like this and responded rather hostile. Telling me I was absolutely wrong, a liar, uncaring and just like all those other artists. He then blocked me. No sweat off my back. However, this does tell me he's been confronted about his behavior before, instead of self reflecting, he chose to blame the other.

I'm certain he has lied about the others and they were simply tired of being talked at just as I was. There were times when we did have decent conversations but most of the time, he just talked about himself. He actually has these very same issues with his family as well.

It's a shame he chose this route. Honestly what bothers me most is how ignorant he acts for his age, he is way too old to be this ignorant about things. For somebody who says humans make mistakes, he wasn't willing to even own up to his own.

[narryffdreaming]

Dani, do you ever get hate for being on your 30s and still on tumblr? I’m only asking because I’m a bit older than you and sometimes I feel highly unwelcomed by many people here. I’ve seen blogs saying that we (over 30) are too old and should leave, or making me feel dumb when I share an opinion. From what I’ve seen your blog is pretty chilled and you seem very mature, so I was wondering if you have any tips on dealing with this kind of stuff? Sorry if this message is out of place. Thank you! Hope you’re doing well x

hii! first of all, im really sorry people made you feel like that :( and also im sorry it took me days to answer! tbh i don't think ive ever received any hate bc of my age, at least not directly, but i think that might have something to do with the way i interact with tumblr/other blogs? like, i am 32 and i have no problem with that, i actually LOVE the fact that im not in my 20s anymore, so tbh i would like to see someone even try to say something mean to me about it lol no but honestly, i feel like we shouldn't even be listening to this kind of people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i work with teenagers/young adults every day, and not even once they've attacked me or bullied me for being older — in fact, im their therapist or their teacher, so im in a position where they PAY ME for my knowledge and experience lmao. so from my pov, the only reason why people on tumblr act like that its because 1) they're hiding behind a blog/fake account, and 2) they can't actually see us bc we're also hiding behind a blog/fake account. so honestly, if you ask me, the way to handle this would be to filter and choose the kind of people you want to "hang out" with. for instance, would you, outside of tumblr, hang out with a 20yo that makes you feel dumb when you share an opinion? because i wouldn't. and of course this doesn't mean i won't talk to a 20yo, or that 20yo aren't nice or kind or funny or smart, but im 32 and that means im 12 (TWELVE!!) years older. which means by the time they were being born i was already kissing boys and had my period for 2 years yknow? lol so of course we are different and thank God for that. that's how it's supposed to be. like, nowadays i have zero (zerooooo) patience for mean girl behavior. is something that it's just wayyyyy past behind me and that i just find so immature and childish that as soon as someone acts like that around me im instantly like 😴 can't even waste my time honestly.

so yeah, i know i KNOW the internet tries to make older people feel bad about themselves, but in all honesty when i listen to conversations teenagers/young adults have around me all my thoughts usually are "awww that's so cute you're so naive and innocent. just wait until you grow up" shajhdujg so yknow... why WHYYYYY would someone behind a screen hold so much power over me when it's practically the same situation?

anyway, i could keep going and going lol, but honestly in the end what i mean is: you're better than them, just let them be immature and childish and find nicer people to follow and talk to, bc there are plenty of fun and kind blogs around here (including some in their mid 20s) who won't shame you or try to ruin your experience just because.

[helloalycia]

worth the wait [five] // daisy johnson

summary: the longer Daisy spends with you, the more you realise that maybe nine years isn't enough time to get over her.

warning/s: mentions of PTSD.

author's note: this is the final part, but it was a little long so i’ve put it into two posts. hopefully the daisy stans appreciated it 😊

part one | part two | part three | part four | part six | masterlist | wattpad

I woke with a start, immediately feeling my hair sticking to the nape of my neck and the need to shake off my duvet.

The fear of my nightmare still implanted in the pit of my stomach made me reach for my bedside lamp. I half expected someone to grab my hand in the dark, my imagination working overtime to scare the living hell out of me, but nothing happened except for the lamp turning on.

I sat up in bed and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. It was just a dream, nothing real. And I knew that, logically, since I was in my childhood bedroom instead of a dark torture chamber. Yet I couldn't stop crying and imagining the worst.

It was getting worse – the nightmares, the anxiety, the nausea. Ever since Daisy and my mum had told me to see a therapist, I knew it was getting worse, but I still hadn't done anything about it. Clearly, things had to change.

Barely thinking about, I found myself grabbing my phone and dialling Daisy's number. I hadn't spoken to her since she came over, and it was my fault things had been left on a bad note. That was only last week and I felt like an idiot as I heard the phone ringing.

"Hello?" her groggy voice came through, and I immediately felt bad.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to silence my heavy breathing. "Hey, Daisy. It's, er, it's Y/N. I'm sorry, I– I didn't mean to wake you. I–"

"Y/N?" she asked, voice laced with fatigue and confusion. "Are you okay? What is it? Where are you?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you," I said quickly, trying to maintain my shakiness. I brought my legs up to my chest and wrapped an arm around them tightly. "I'm at home. I just–" I flinched, closing my eyes. "I'm sorry, did I wake you? My parents gave me your number and I– I didn't know what else to do–"

"You don't need to apologise," she cut me off, wakening up a little by the sounds of it. "I'm glad you called. What's wrong?"

I smiled dryly, wiping away at my tears. "I, er, you were right about me. I should have–" I breathed out deeply. "I need to talk to someone about... yeah. But right now I... I can't go back to sleep."

"Do you want me to come over? I'm not far and–"

"No, no!" I said quickly, slightly embarrassed. "You don't need to– it's the middle of the night. I just– I don't know what I was expecting. I just didn't want to be alone and I didn't wanna wake my parents and worry them."

"Of course," she said reassuringly. "It's okay. I won't come, but I can stay on the phone with you if you'd like? We can talk. Or we can just stay silent. Anything you want."

I sniffled and put my head between my legs, feeling my shoulders relax a little. The last thing I wanted was to be a bother to her.

"Thanks," I muttered, and I wasn't even sure if she heard it. "I'm sorry for how I acted last week... with this."

"We don't need to talk about it," she said softly, her voice raspy as she'd just woken up. "I just want you to be okay."

I closed my eyes, breathing out quietly. I wasn't sure what to say, but the sound of her voice was instantly reassuring.

It was quiet between us, for at least another minute or so, and all I could hear was her breathing on the other side. As much as I appreciated the company, I knew it was unfair of me to keep her on the phone.

Swallowing hard, I said, "Daisy?"

"Yeah? Are you okay?"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose, knowing I wasn't. "I don't think–" I sighed awkwardly. "I won't be falling asleep any time soon and I– er, you should go. I don't want to keep you on here for no reason."

"It's not for no reason," she reassured. "I'll stay on until you fall asleep, Y/N. You'll get tired eventually."

"But if I don't–"

"I'll stay on."

I nodded, despite her being unable to see me. "Thank you..."

It went quiet again, and I felt my heart rate returning to its normal pace as I distracted myself with the sound of Daisy's breathing. It wasn't hard to tire myself to the sound, as I was already exhausted, just scared. But when I closed my eyes and let her breathing comfort me, it almost felt like she was right next to me, and my fear slowly faded away.

—

When I woke up the next morning, I was drooling on my phone screen as the sun streamed through my curtains. When I wiped my mouth, a yawn escaped my lips and I moved my phone from my pillow, confused to why it was there. But then I remembered the early hours of that morning and felt my face flush with embarrassment. I checked the screen, seeing the call wasn't still on, but there was a text from Daisy.

Daisy: hey, Y/N, I hope you feel better in the morning. I figured you wouldn't want to wake up to me on the phone, so I hung up. Please don't be angry, but I'm on my way over to see you. I just want to make sure you're okay.

That message was sent fifteen minutes ago, so I wouldn't put it past Daisy to already be outside. It was embarrassing, don't get me wrong, but I appreciated that she cared enough to check on me, even after I'd treated her disrespectfully.

I'd just managed to brush my teeth when Daisy arrived. My mum called me downstairs, claiming it was for me, and I tried not to fidget in my pyjamas as I descended the stairs and saw Daisy waiting by the front door. When she saw me, a relieved smile was on her lips.

"Hey," she began quietly, hesitant to say more in case I was mad.

I exhaled slowly, shoulders relaxing at the sight of her. She'd helped me more than she'd known, and with that thought in my mind, I moved forward and hugged her gratefully.

"Thank you," I whispered into her shoulder, closing my eyes as my arms laced around her neck.

She returned the hug and I sensed her surprise.

"Anytime, Y/N," she replied with a squeeze. "I just want you to be okay."

I nodded, lingering for a moment longer than I probably should have, before pulling away. She searched my eyes with a hint of concern and I subconsciously grabbed her hand and kept ahold of it.

"I'm gonna book an appointment with a therapist," I told her, the thought terrifying me in itself, but I knew it was the right thing to do. "And I wanted to ask if you... would you..." I swallowed hard, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. "Will you please come with me?"

"Of course I will," she promised, squeezing my hand and earning my attention. "I'll be with you whenever you want." She blinked, clearing her throat with realisation. "I mean, for the appointments, obviously."

Thankfully, her messy words brought a smile to my face and reassured me about the whole therapy thing.

"Thank you," I said, finding it cute how she was the one to avoid my eyes now. "Since you're here, you may as well stay for breakfast. If you're not busy, that is."

"Breakfast. Sure. I'd love to."

I didn't let go of her hand as I tugged her towards the kitchen to join me.

—

Having Daisy back in my life was probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

Not only had she literally saved my life as Quake, but she was also saving my life every day after. Whether it was accompanying me to my therapist appointments or hospital appointments, or hanging out with me way more than she needed to, she was more present in my life. I didn't ask her to – it only began when I'd asked her to come to my first therapist appointment – but she'd chosen to. And I didn't want to question it because I'd missed her more than I cared to admit.

My parents took her in as family like no time had passed and I was accepting her back into my life, too, but I didn't want to get too attached. She had a job to do at the end of the day, and knowing Daisy, she wouldn't stay for too long. I guess, in the back of my head, there was still that expectation of her picking up and leaving, just like she used to. Which was silly, since that was years ago, but still...

Despite her presence in my life again, we'd been avoiding talking about what we'd missed in each other's lives. The specifics anyway. I knew she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. and found her family, and she knew I became an investigative journalist and did many news packages on different topics, but I didn't know anything more and neither did she. I wasn't sure if it was on purpose or if we just avoided it without thinking, but I knew we had to face the music soon.

We were getting coffee after she picked me up from one of my therapy sessions when I brought it up.

"So, my therapist has been helping me with some stuff," I began, staring at my coffee as we walked back to my house. "Stuff outside of my PTSD, that is."

"Oh?" Daisy asked, and I could see her looking at me in the corner of my eyes. "Like what?" 

I took a sip of my coffee, trying not to feel embarrassed as I answered, "Well, we obviously talk about my life. And what happens in it. Who I'm with..."

"Yeah..." Daisy was grinning now.

I rolled my eyes, wishing my face wasn't as warm as it felt. "She noticed you've been dropping me off and picking me up and... you may have come up in conversation."

"Ah, so you talk about me," she said slowly, trying very hard not to laugh. "Did you tell her how amazing I am? Or how beautiful, charming and funny I am?"

I sighed, finally lifting my eyes to look at her. Brown eyes twinkled with amusement as she gave me her usual teasing smile, making me shove her in the shoulder gently. Laughter spilled from her lips and I hated the butterflies in my stomach at the sound.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said, falling into step with me again. "You were saying. Go on."

Looking back ahead as we walked, I said, "Yes, well, we talked about you. And then she recommended that I try to catch up with you more. You know? Because we both talk so much about the good old days and even now, but not the in between. Not the parts that we weren't there for."

I looked back to Daisy when I finished, and she thankfully lost her amusement as she nodded in agreement. I half expected her to take the piss, but she was supportive as she glanced at me.

"I like the sound of that," she said, easing the nerves in my stomach. "So. What do you want to know?"

I cleared my throat, taking another sip of my drink and thinking of where to start. "Okay, erm... why don't we start with your S.H.I.E.L.D. friends? They're your family and I would love to get to know them better. What are they like?"

She nodded thoughtfully, sipping her coffee. "S.H.I.E.L.D., okay. Well, you met Jemma. She's basically my sister. Her and Fitz – I think I mentioned him before?" I nodded, recalling her throwing in the name in one of her stories. "They're together and they've been with me since I was recruited a few years ago. We've been through a lot together, but they've got my backs and I've got theirs."

I smiled at the carefree expression on her face. Just talking about them put her at ease and I felt a little better knowing that her time after high school wasn't completely terrible like I imagined.

"Then there's Coulson, of course," she continued, glancing at me every now and then to see if I was listening. "He's basically our dad. He's the reason I'm even with S.H.I.E.L.D. and he's always looking out for me, even when I'm doing stupid stuff."

"So, regularly then."

She nudged me in the arm at my comment, making me chuckle.

"He was how I learnt about my family," she explained. "There for me when I found them. When I got my powers. When I lost my family... he's been there through it all. I'd do anything for him."

I watched her carefully. "He sounds important to you."

Her lips curved into a small smile as brown eyes met mine. "He is."

She continued to tell me about the rest of her team and what everything was like at work, and the whole time she did, she was smiling.

"I'd love for you to meet them all," she finished, and I was surprised at the hint of nervousness in her voice. I didn't think she ever got nervous. "I mean, you've met Jemma, but the others– you should meet them, too. If you want to, that is."

"I'd like that," I said instantly, appreciating the way her eyes lit up and she tried very hard to hide her smile.

She cleared her throat, distracting from the pink spreading on her face, before asking, "So, you basically know about everything interesting that's happened to me these past nine or so years. What about you? Anything life-changing occur for you?" I opened my mouth to answer, and she added, "Apart from travelling around the world and being an investigative journalist?"

I feigned offence. "I hardly think that's fair. That's like me asking you not to talk about working for S.H.I.E.L.D. or being Quake."

Rolling her eyes playfully, she said, "Go on. Tell me something different."

I looked away from her in thought, thinking back to the past nine years. "I guess... oh, I know. I was almost married."

Her jaw dropped. "You were what?"

A laugh escaped my lips at her intrigued expression. She shook her head with disbelief.

"I have to know more," she insisted, before raising her brows. "You? Almost married?"

"It does sound strange," I agreed with amusement, before recalling the event. "It was about two years ago. I was with this guy who worked at the same paper I did. We'd been together for about a year and–"

"–and you realised he had a second family in the Bahamas?" she finished with a roguish grin.

"Very funny." I narrowed my eyes jokingly. "But no. I just realised I didn't love him. Well, I wasn't in love with him."

"Ouch."

"Ouch indeed." I paused, remembering the poor guy's face when I broke the news to him. "It was a month into the engagement when I told him the truth. He was very understanding, but–"

"–but you broke his poor little heart," she concluded, before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and tugging me closer. "Dear Y/N. The heartbreaker."

"Fuck off."

She laughed when she saw me attempting to fight a smile from my lips. Though eventually, one appeared anyway. Daisy always had the ability to bring out the best in me like that – I'd missed it.

"How about you anyway?" I asked, hoping for an opportunity to tease her in return. "Any boyfriends or girlfriends I should know about? Crazy exes, maybe?"

She snorted, swallowing her coffee before giving me a knowing look. "You're gonna need to brace yourself for this one. I doubt you'll believe me when it comes to this."

I rose an eyebrow with curiosity. "Damn, you've got me hooked, Johnson. Proceed."

And of course, that was the first and last time I heard about Agent Grant Ward. An interestingly dark tale of a dickhead of a man whose existence I was glad was no more.

"...so, do I win?" Daisy asked once she finished talking about him.

"Win what?"

She stared like it was obvious. "The best ex story, duh!"

"Wow." I snickered, shaking my head. "I guess you do."

Fist-pumping like an idiot, she said, "Knew it. Nothing ever beats homicidal psychopath almost-boyfriend."

"You need help."

"No, no I don't. I have you."

"Uh-huh."

"Love you, too." 

—

Three months passed since returning from Myanmar and I was finally in a place where I could return to work. Even though I'd been putting together my research and interviews into a coherent news story at home, I hadn't physically been back to the newsroom in about a year.

My therapist had been helping me to treat my PTSD, my physical therapy was helping me get back function in my shoulder and arm, and the injury itself was almost healed, though I still had to wear a cast. Everything was actually beginning to look up.

I'd even sent off the complete news series about what I'd discovered in Myanmar to my editor which got published just before I returned to work. So, of course, as soon as I got there, that was the first thing everybody congratulated me on.

"Views have been going through the roof," Taylor, my colleague and closest friend at work, said as soon as he spotted me walking to my desk. "Your story is all anybody has been talking about!"

"Good to see you, too," I joked, an attempt to disguise my embarrassment at all the attention. "It's only been a year since we last saw each other."

He gave me a grin. "You know I missed you, Y/L/N, get over here."

I rolled my eyes playfully but accepted his hug, being careful of my shoulder. He squeezed me gently before letting go and perching himself on the edge of my desk as I took a seat. It felt strange to be back, but a good strange.

"I still can't believe you're actually here in the flesh," he said after a moment, eyeing me suspiciously. "I've been so used to quick calls and texts where I try to convince you not to do stupid stuff."

Chuckling, I shot him an appreciative smile. "You know I'm grateful for that. Even if I didn't listen."

"You not listening helped you get the best story though," he countered. "I bet you didn't expect S.H.I.E.L.D. to make the bust in the end though."

I sighed, shaking my head. "Definitely not. But I owe them a lot. They saved my life."

His expression softened. "That's another thing... thanks for not dying on me."

"You're welcome," I returned, though appreciated what he meant. "Now. Catch me up on everything I missed. Gossip an' all."

That was enough for him to pull up a seat and remind me of everything I'd missed whilst being away. We'd spoke many times whilst I was gone, but nothing quite beat a good bitching session in person.

Eventually though, our editor ended up interrupting and asked to see me in her office. I wasn't worried in the slightest, but there was still that tiny part of me that imagined the worst.

"You can stop holding your breath, y'know," Karla told me when I stopped before her desk. She seemed amused as she added, "I wanted to congratulate you on the human trafficking story."

Relaxing my shoulders, I raised my brows. "Oh. I– thank you. I'm glad you liked it."

"You put a lot on the line to get the results you did, but it shows," she continued proudly. "You've made an excellent name for yourself and done your fellow journalists proud."

"I didn't do it for that," I said politely, "but thank you. I just wanted to help those people in Myanmar the best I could."

She smiled. "And you did."

"Well, S.H.I.E.L.D. did."

"But you shared the truth, didn't you?" she reminded me. "Don't belittle this achievement."

I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet and watched as she took a seat at her desk chair.

"I heard that it was Quake who saved you back there," she said curiously. "You know, we've never actually gotten an interview with her. Nobody has."

Oh, so that's what she actually wanted.

"I thought, well, since you know her, you could get us an exclusive?" she asked.

I chewed on my lip. "Erm..."

"You don't have to," she added, noticing my reluctance. "But it could be good for everyone. The city can get to know its hero, you can get a great interview under your belt. And our paper gets all the views. What d'you say?"

I was beginning to regret putting that one quote from Daisy in my article now... I should have known Karla would want more. That was the thing with editors – you give them one taste and they want to eat the whole thing.

"I'll ask," I decided, which she seemed to love. "No harm in asking, but I can't promise anything."

Karla leaned back in her seat, nodding. "Very true. Thank you for understanding. I'll let you settle back into work now. Remember to take it easy, yeah? Don't want to lose my best journalist from overworking herself."

I smiled awkwardly as she laughed, before nodding in response and leaving her office.

It wasn't that I didn't want to interview Daisy, but I didn't want to ruin what we had by asking for a favour. Everything between us was going well, even if it was probably temporary and she'd have to leave soon. I assumed that anyway. And on top of that, I was certain I was falling in love with her again, just like I had nine years ago.

Could you blame me? It was impossible to just remain friends with her when she went through all this extra effort to make sure I was okay. Her kind, considerate, supportive self was always on my mind whether I liked it or not. A girl could dream, right?

After my first day back, Daisy picked me up outside. She insisted when she rang me at lunchtime to make sure I was okay, wanting to know everything about how my first day went. I couldn't find it in myself to say no, so I eventually found her sat on a chair in the lobby when I came downstairs after work.

[flameontheotherside]

Bummer... 😞

How do you miss someone you never met? How do I explain to my therapist that I feel like a widow? How the fucking hell do I not get triggered over the smallest things?

Last night I got into a funk after seeing a trailer I posted about a movie. I didn't have the sound on but watched it and just seeing it, I recognized it as my journey ...THIS. If for some reason someone decided to steal my experience for a novel or a movie idea, it would mortify me. The thought of it literally made me sick. My stomach is in knots.

Sometimes I want to stop writing here...

The moment I think that I've shared enough, something makes me write again. If I don't right away, it's like this nagging. Like the same kind of nagging I felt my whole life and since I wrote that letter to Erik's guardian angels in 2007... coincidentally on his birthday. Feeling this is another something I have to do.

Honestly I don't know how many times I have to keep writing about the same thing over and over again. About how much this journey hurts. It's not exactly some kind of sugar coated love story. This is mostly painful and I wouldn't wish this kind of journey on anyone.

There are times all I can do is lay in bed and cry.

I can't talk about it. Not even to my bf who is very very accepting and begs me to open up. I get so fucking tired of going day after day. Just living until I die and who knows what comes after that. Maybe I am crazy no matter how many times this dead guy in my ear tells me I'm not and begs me to not give this all up. All night I've had to keep myself together watching movies with my bf next to me pretending there something in my eye. It happens once in a while.

Now I'm in the bathroom with a hurting stomach not just from thinking about above but I'm lactose intolerant. Had a bowl of fruit with two kinds of Greek yogurt and two bean and cheese burritos. Don't judge me! My bf will be awake all night and maybe into the morning because he got out of bed about 5 hours ago. I know the moment my head hits that pillow I won't be able to stop crying until my meds kick in.

I wake up most days counting the hours to go to bed.

For a long time I looked forward to sleep. Erik started showing up in 2011-ish. I knew him by his hair and he'd show usually at bodies of water and it would take 4 years to finally see his face that I'd come to know and love. Technically I was already in love with in in 2012 but that year I had to let him go.

I thought there was no point to any of it. I stopped being spiritual and tried to convince myself the psychic who predicted Erik's suicide was a fraud. Deep down I knew the truth but what was I supposed to do? A psychic randomly reached out to me in 2017 asking me to talk to him. That's when I knew I was fucked and my life was going to change. Sure for the better but I can't go back no matter if I wanted to.

To be honest, I do sometimes hope I die in my sleep or that I could do what Erik did. God literally knows I tried...three fucking times. Only once since this journey started. Erik made me get up and go to the hospital. I was starting to feel very sick anyway. You can't overdose and die on some meds it turns out and if you try, it's not fun being so sick like that. I only beat myself up for weeks for being so stupid.

Erik always says, "Were together now!"

...Yeah but not really. It's easy for him to say because he's dead and soaked in spirit juice so bad its like he's forgotten what it's like to be human. No he remembers and that's why he's always saying that. I don't want to talk to him tonight. If course he's okay with that. Sometimes there would be days that I don't. It's not like we are constantly talking and whatever. I have a life. We usually save conversations for before bed. I like the idea if having a normal life. Something I always wanted because I was constantly bullied for not being normal. I realize that now that normal was something I was never supposed to be.

So idk if I'll be writing for a while. I don't know how long this funk is going to last.

😘💕 Good night y'all!

[genshin-obsessed]

I dread everything about school, sure, I got some friends. But that doesn't help ease the pain of having a mental breakdown the night before school starts.

I've given up trying to ask my mom or dad if I could get a day off, my mom wouldn't allow me since my dad won't let me. My dad has said he only cares about my education, so I don't see the point in trying anymore.

I envy people who have a mental break day where they can skip school/work. Even in the weekend I can't get rest without thinking about tomorrow. I had a breakdown last week and ended up being yelled at by my dad. Now I really don't think he cares about me besides getting an education.

I already plan on getting an actual job, started a business, how much longer do I have to suffer before I can just get a day off? Or when will I ever be good enough for him?? I'm trying to do things that make me useable enough for society, even though my grades are fucking failing and I can't stop lashing out on things.

These things don't matter anyway, he'll just end up telling me again "and I don't want to go to work" then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT JOB?? fucking peice of shit, he doesn't care about my mental health unless it makes me unable to be a working citizen and get an education.

I'm so fucking tired, I'm trying to keep everything in, but I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that something will happen that I can't control. I don't want to hurt someone again, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in.

I just have to suck it all up, going to school like nothing happened, again. My suicidal thoughts have started to come back, my anxiety has been worse and worse, and I feel like relapsing again.

The only reason I don't self-harm anymore is so I don't get put into a mental hospital again. But if I end up not keeping all these urges and thoughts away then I'll just end up in the mental hospital or worse, an actual prison. The mental hospital felt like a prison anyway, which is why I'm scared to tell any teacher or adult at my school.

It's also 1am, and I shouldn't be bothering anyone with this. I can't bother my sister, she has to get enough sleep to go to work, and with how much little time I get with her now, it's just like when she was in college and i had nobody. My parents are useless in this situation, because my mom would just get yelled at by my dad for suggesting me staying home. And talking to her feels so.. uncomfortable. My dad is just a no. There is no talk about my mental health, if I'm feeling sad, I'll just have to deal with it.

I'm stuck, I don't know how much longer this will last, but probably for a couple more years.

I wish I could easily take my life away, there is hardly anything I want in life anymore.

Just a note before I start: I made a new tag for anyone to block because I’m gonna allow more serious topics with it. I’ll go with the regular tw tags as well, but this one is just one big tag: 🐚— vent

Right, onto you anon. I wanna start by saying I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I understand, my mother was extremely hard on me in school. She rarely let me take breaks off of school and kept his idea that I had to attend almost every day to be a good student and to have a good education.

Even in college, both of my parents are pretty hard on me to take “good classes” and not “waste” my time. I don’t think many parents understand the stresses of school and it makes it hard for them to understand how terrible those days can be.

The school system is all messed up. Learning subjects that most of us won’t use- unless you’re choose a job in that particular field- teachers pile on too much homework, everything is just memorization at this point, and it gives us little time to relax. The way some teachers even assign homework makes it hard for us to even relax on weekends, which is why we have them. You really only have summer and even then, some parents force their children into extra activities then.

You feelings are valid. 100%. You’re allowed to feel exhausted, especially when you’re not getting any breaks. Getting through high school is the probably the only thing that’s really required for most jobs. But having a college degree doesn’t mean you’ll be rolling in money. It just means you can have a more secure job but by no means guarantees success. Parents don’t realize that.

For you, especially, it’s all building up. I’m sure you already know this to. Holding it in 100% won’t help. The stress also seems to be affecting your school work and it’s making it harder to pass classes which just leads your parents to lash out. It’s a vicious cycle that just doesn’t stop. And the only way to really stop such a thing is to take a step back, but you’re not even allowed to do that.

I think the attempt to please your dad’s ideals is also adding stress. You want to be good enough, and that’s understandable, but sometimes parents project what they couldn’t do onto us. Sometimes, it’s never enough because at the end of the day, they’re not the ones who could accomplish that. I’m sorry to say that and I hope it doesn’t upset you further, but maybe you should try doing this for yourself and not him. Some parents will never be happy- as sad as it is to say that.

I’m glad you don’t self harm, and I’m really proud of you for breaking away from that. Yes, it may just be to stay away from the mental hospital, but I’m still happy you’re staying away from it. Although, I would recommend talking to someone about this, other than me of course, because I can’t do much for you, unfortunately. I can only listen and offer a bit of advice.

Though you don’t want to stress out your sister, it seems like she may be the only one you can kind of trust. Maybe if you’re of age, you could try talking to a therapist or meeting with a school counselor/therapist. They may be able to actively help you, maybe even working with some of your teachers to lessen the workload. Either way, they’ll be more helpful than me.

I want you to know you’re doing an amazing job though. You’re still going after all of this and I know it seems bad, but I know it’ll get better. I know this isn’t much, but I’m very proud of your resilience.

If anything, when you’re on your own and in college, you can 100% take a break and you’ll definitely deserve it. But I do want you to try and talk to somebody you find you can trust. Or try to reach out for help, because something like this can’t be done alone.

There is one thing I think you want and that’s to be free from all of this. School, your parents, the exhaustion, the stress, and so that can be your goal. Though these days will show up often, maybe the idea of being free from all of this while still being able to live a happy life can be that push you need. I’m not sure if you’re able to move away for college, but I would recommend you do that. It’s a little difficult to be on your own, but you’ll get to choose how you live.

I know my response was kinda all over the place, but I really hope it helped anon💖💖 you’re always welcome to come here and talk to me if you’d like. Maybe about school, homework, just to vent, or chat! I would like to hear how you’re doing too 🥺💖

[my-magical-oc-s]

Broken Glass

It was raining again. It seemed to always rain when she came to visit him. Perhaps the universe was trying to tell her to move on already… She wouldn't. She loved him too much to leave him in her past.

She took the old flowers and buried them with her bare hands. She replaced them with new ones and sat right on top of where she knew his casket was. Her deep brown eyes trailed from his headstone to the mausoleum she had built next to him. There, her father, Ryuguji-san and Emma-chan resided.

"Keisuke-kun… Father… Emma-chan… Ryuguji-san…" she whispered in a daze. "My heart feels so heavy, now. I wish I could take it out…"

"If you did that, I think they would be very sad." With his umbrella over her, Chifuyu sat beside her. "I can tell you've been neglecting your health, Alisha."

Her eyes began to water. "I can't remember the last thing he said to me, Chifuyu. No matter how many times I think about the last time I saw him, I just can't remember."

"What do you you think he'd say if he saw you like this?" He takes up the spot beside her leaving no gaps between them.

"I bet Ryuguji-san is happy to be with Emma-chan again. And father gets to be with mom…" Dark brown orbs swell with tears as her bottom lip trembles.

"Alisha-san—" he tries before she could take it there.

"Wh-who does Keisuke-kun have?"

"Draken-kun, and Emma-chan, and even Shinichiro-kun. He is not alone, Alisha-san. More than anything, I think he'd be annoyed by what he's seeing down here."

She doesn't respond. Deciding to let the silence stretch as she lamented on her memories. She easily recalled her first memory with Keisuke. A bittersweet grin stretched on mocha lips.

"It was raining that day, too…" Chifuyu said nothing as he waited for her to elaborate or let silence reign. "I was being bullied for being the only kid in my school with such dark skin." She chuckled darkly, "I guess kids are just naturally violent, huh?"

Chifuyu placed his hand over hers, "it's fine, Chifuyu. Those days are long gone and they've since apologized for their abhorrent behavior as children."

"Doesn't mean the scars of those memories are gone…"

"Hmm, you are correct. But that's for my therapist to heal. Anyway," her gaze focuses on the date of Baji's death. "I had been allowing them to make my life miserable without complaint. My dad had so much on his plate, I didn't want to add to it with my problems… I thought if I just took it then at least dad could focus on his duties. That shitty logic made the most sense back then."

"On this day, they had cornered me in an alley. They already beat me up pretty bad without touching my face. I told them that if they did then my dad would have to press charges. Keisuke-kun came when they were throwing mud in my face. He kicked their asses so thoroughly, 'only cowards pick on defenseless girls!' He yelled at them. He was like some kinda guardian demon."

"Guardian demon?" Chifuyu question with a smirk.

"Yeah, like an angel only there's no way in hell an angel would beat the shit outta someone like that."

"That's Baji-kun, for ya," he chuckled.

"When he was done, he asked for my name. Said, 'what kind of dumbass lets themselves get beat?!' That made me angry because I was so sure that was my only option. I angrily explained my reasoning and he was far less than impressed. 'You don't have to kick their asses but you don't have to let them kick yours either, dumbass.' He offered me a solution. He taught me how to block. Not well, though, but it awakened my love for aikido."

She took a deep breath, her hands balling up dirt and grass as pain returned. "It's been three years since he left. Why does it still feel like it just happened?" Fresh tears streaked her hickory cheeks.

Baji… I don't think Alisha will be alright… I'm sorry… Chifuyu thought as he held her tighter.

Chifuyu's heart clenched, he could do nothing but hold her as she shivered and quaked. He was usually pretty good at helping people figure out their shit. This time there was nothing he could say to make it better. There was no way to help. And that made this all the suckier.

~~~

I made an oc for Baji bc I felt like muhfuckas wasn't torn up over his death enough... I'm still in my feelings about this one and and Draken

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[wasteofart]

(Tw suicide, depression)

A friend of mine had a mental breakdown the other day and it seems like he's going to see a therapist tomorrow because of it. So, I don't know how bad it really is for him (because most people hide these things and he never seemed to have any problems like that) and I hope he's doing okay and this is going to help him but damn, how fast did they get a therapist for him.

The thing with these situations is every time my friends speak out about their mental health, let it be depression or other issues, I don't really know how to feel about it. I know from experience how rough that shit is and I would never question what they tell me. But here's the thing, when someone tells me they had a mental breakdown so bad that they had to see a doctor immediately after, I can't help but imagine the absolute worst case. Because I trust them if they say they aren't feeling well but mostly because if it was me in their place, I don't know what would have to happen for me to seek out for help. I had to be close to ending it all and even then I probably wouldn't ask for help. So this leaves me in a weird position of wanting to be there for others with the same issues and not knowing how bad they really are feeling because it's so hard to measure.

I know it's a bad way of thinking which is why I never mention it to my friends when they come to me with these things but sometimes I can't help but to (and that's not even meant in a bad way) doubt the severeness of their problems. Not because I don't think they are feeling that way but because of the measures they're taking. Another friend told me ages ago that she was seeing a doctor and got diagnosed with depression, it turned out it was because she stopped taking the pill but that's irrelevant. Anyway, I was there for her and told her it's okay that she's feeling off and all that and she said the reason why she went to see a doctor was because she didn't want to go out anymore. And I was like... ok... Now the thing is that 1. I don't know the entire story, obviously, only what she told me and 2. I'm aware that losing interest in things you used to enjoy is in fact a sign that something is off. But she made it sound like such a little thing, like, oh thanks but I'd rather stay home tonight and watch a move haha. And not like man, I'm so exhausted I can't even get up to look after myself. Which is how I've been feeling most of the time for the past 10 years.

I know that everyone is different and everyone experiences these things differently which is why I have absolutely no right to judge anyone's mental health conditions but it raises so many questions for me. I've normalized my own awful way of thinking and when people tell me they don't think about killing themselves pretty much every day it almost surprises me. These things don't even feel like bad things for me anymore and then I catch myself thinking about what the fuck is wrong with me that I don't think these things are so very wrong.

It's like watching others go to the hospital to get treatment for their little headache they woke up with today when you've been living with migraine your whole life. It doesn't make their headaches any less painful but I simply don't understand how to deal with all of this without being disrespectful.

[punkscowardschampions]

Gen 4 Ideas

Junie B Jones: Alright so golden boy lucked out in all the ways the others didn't, is he a dick with it or a good egg? Embert: In my head, he's always been not a dick about it but obviously in relating to his sibs/fam, there's only so much he could do when Indie's resentment is already real so maybe her kids wouldn't fuck with him by the side of the story they've been told? Junie B Jones: ooh that's a good idea Embert: Astrid would've been mad as a kid but now they could be pretty close, obvs there's still the age gap and obvious reasons why not besties but I think they'd get on Junie B Jones: Yeah I vibe that she'd love him and like wanna look after him even though it'd lowkey be him looking after her more Embert: Exactly Embert: his mum, in my head is about early- mid 30s to Drew's 47 when he's born, as you say not much older than Indie but not like a bimbo 20 something and she's always been really mothering, like everything Ro ain't tbh so Callum is probably spoilt by her but not in a financial way like some but with love Junie B Jones: Indie would not fuck with her obvs but Astrid would so that adds to their closeness Embert: Exactly, like its too late for Indie literally she's having her own kids at the same time so she doesn't need a mum now and I reckon the woman would respect that, she's a good egg, like she knows Drew has been shit and ain't gonna make apologies for it, ahem, Ro, ahem Junie B Jones: I like the sound of her tbh soz we killing your son Embert: Maybe she should have kids from a previous? Because if he's her only son like I'm so sorry lol Junie B Jones: Yasss I love that because more interactions we can do Junie B Jones: [potentially one of Indie's sons get with I assume they are straight? Callum's half sisters even if it's not like a lasting ship should defs happen] Embert: Perhaps this mum goes for like bad eggs so this sister was old enough to remember like however many partners before Drew so then when she gets with him and he's clearly him she's like nah and makes his life difficult 'cos don't wanna do it again Embert: [If she's 5/6 when Callum that makes her 7/8 years older than Dash] Junie B Jones: [early 20s sudden death situ] Junie B Jones: he should have a boyfriend/girlfriend whatever when he dies who's also lowkey part of the fam cos then it's awks like do I stay or go Embert: ooh that's a good idea Embert: he's probably straight but maybe we could do bi so he's a less annoying example of a gay than most we've done whoops Junie B Jones: a mood Embert: so a girlfriend who is really close to his fam Junie B Jones: and really pretty damn Embert: he probably has a job I think, I can't see him being super academic Embert: maybe something like an estate agent or in a bank, a job where you show up and wear a suit Junie B Jones: his girlfriend could work there too cos that couple Junie B Jones: so when he dies she's not gonna wanna go back there either Embert: what fun Embert: but real Embert: they're just pretty and living their best life but in a chill way Junie B Jones: we all know the vibe Embert: Cosmo, same age as Callum, Indie's 1st Embert: so in my head the dad always plays football with them both and without intending to be pushy, does push him into that field, clearly Dash weren't as good/arsed whatever so it kinda all ends up on him because say he does get into an academy/on a junior team Embert: so then that becomes his life, training and matches and all that intenseness that comes with Embert: not to mention lad lifestyle, getting with WAG type girls, always going out partying, you know the vibe Junie B Jones: whereas Dash be like nah this ain't fun anymore I'm out Junie B Jones: cos I don't think he sticks with anything Embert: what if, their dad gets injured Embert: or tbh, is too lowkey old 'cos they put them out to pasture real quick Embert: I think by the time they're 19/17 when we start it, he'd already be too old to be a professional himself, so he could be a coach, hence he'd be even more pushy 'cos he could be on a professional team by now, they're ridiculously young like Junie B Jones: yeah it's usually like 30s at the latest isn't it unless you're like famous af which we ain't going that hard Embert: exactly, so without intending to its like, take on your dad's legacy Embert: 'cos in my mind he isn't naturally inclined to be like a ladladlad and is just doing it to be the full-package Junie B Jones: poor boy, again we all know the vibe Embert: 21st bday breakdown Embert: I think the zoe kravitz girl should still exist in some way, obviously not the way before Embert: because she's so anti-wag and clearly what he's actually into Junie B Jones: we could stay that Dash fucked her and that's how they cross paths if we want Junie B Jones: but he's clearly not interested and they are into each other Embert: it has potential to be different from other ships we've done 'cos he'd be tryna keep her on the dl which is shady but not just being an out and out dick Embert: like, I like you but no one can know don't ask why Junie B Jones: I agree, it'd be really interesting Embert: 'cos from her POV, casual headfuck Embert: used to boys being like Dash and just being like bye but not like showing you they like you then blanking you Junie B Jones: exactly dr phil I'm invested already tbh Junie B Jones: I also imagine Dash hanging at the commune so there's potential for lots of different dynamics there and he could be there when the fire too if we want/need but obvs not hurt or anything Junie B Jones: I'm also lowkey debating having Jules from Euphoria as one of his many love interests cos like her face and we've never done trans but it'd be a good way without it being someone's whole identity Embert: OH Embert: this is a tangent based on that thought which I also feel btw Embert: but Astrid's face is like bffs with the Kat face from Euphoria irl, so I'm thinking what if that's her gf and she's the one with an eating disorder, bulimia vibes, and then 'cos Astrid is her she's like okay you must be right Imma support you in this and accidentally enables her/joins in too Junie B Jones: YAAS I WAS GONNA SAY I WANNA USE HER FACE TOO BECAUSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE/HOW Junie B Jones: this makes so much sense Embert: exactly, with Ro as a mum she wouldn't even question it, like oh yeah I guess you are fat you probably should, even though she'd think she's so pretty and perfect Junie B Jones: Boo you are so smart Embert: also, when we killing Ro, by this point she's like 54 Embert: okay, so Ro is 34/35 when Astrid is born so if we kill her off when she's 9 that would make Ro 43, so 2044, so when we're doing Astrid's story at 19, its about 10 years ago Junie B Jones: I like that cos it's not raw for these characters Junie B Jones: we're actually gonna let you recover though ladies, fuck you ghost Ro Embert: Seriously, like I don't want it to be full-blown its more of a deep insecurity thing but one she can get past Junie B Jones: 100% feel that Junie B Jones: [so yeah like I said just gonna write this down so we don't forget the Jules girl lives at the commune and probably has done for quite a few years by the time the fire happens so then she's got nowhere to go and goes to stay with Dash cos step up for someone dickhead and they are either otp or brotp to be decided] Junie B Jones: because I think he wouldn't be as supportive as he should be to Cosmo's whole breakdown in the sort of ableist vein of oh well you overreacted Embert: it fits, 'cos in my head its a very Nick and Matty vibe where they don't acknowledge each other Embert: like the whole 'how is that your brother' moment from his footie friends and being like yeah I know Junie B Jones: same tbh cos Dash's friends would be like damn your bro is uptight Embert: exactly so they aren't close anyway Junie B Jones: and never are [evil laugh] Embert: soz Indie Junie B Jones: not your fault babe they are just too different it happens Embert: although part of the breakdown is obvious resentment that he's just allowed to be a fuckup and he feels like he has to do all this shit and be perfect so Embert: that kinda does need to be acknowledged if we're going recovery Junie B Jones: family therapy time Embert: 'cos like if Dash just continues to be him and shit it'll come to brawl even if he has to stop being this footballer moment and do what he wants, its still about how its all come down on him, you know Junie B Jones: they totally should have a fight cos what a moment Embert: yeah, like it either fixes or breaks totally, I don't think they can just be meh Junie B Jones: agreed Junie B Jones: maybe we could do like a Joe mood of him distancing himself from the whole fam but then ultimately a more healthy resolution for everyone Embert: We could work that Junie B Jones: and obvs him ultimately getting with his gf and figuring out what he wants to do with his life and all that jazz Embert: exactly dr phil Junie B Jones: and Dash can work out what he cares about whatever the hell that turns out to be Embert: Jac is born 48, (year after Callum and Cosmo and same year as Ollie's girl, Mila) Jude is 49, as is Lily's 1st boy Adi and dash, Jameson is 51, same year as Lily's girl Priya, a year after Ollie's boy Ash, Iggy's 1st Arlo, Diego's kid Tayo and Bobby's teen pregnancy girl Cammie Embert: My characters, Callum, Cosmo, Mila, Jac, Adi, Jameson Embert: My boos, Dash, Jude, Priya, Ash, Arlo, Tayo & Cammie Embert: Potentials, Jac, Jameson and Cammie, would've been raised together, essentially Embert: Jimmy is a photographer for advertising, Bobby a graphic designer for same and Janis as a massage therapist moment Embert: Cammie has 2 younger brothers born 60 and 62 so they exist but we aren't playing Junie B Jones: lots of dogs please Embert: all the dogs lmao Embert: so my initial vibe for Jac is that she's like JJ in the sense she's quite grumpy and anti-social 'cos it suits her face but also with a more shy but not shy if you know what I mean vibe, 'cos they're both quite self-assured and I don't see that for her, I potentially see Jude having that element though? Junie B Jones: I agree, like I don't wanna shamelessly Miley but I defs see her as being that self assured kid Embert: the most out of anyway Embert: Jameson should be their nerdy side because the Cammie face has a very Cara silly side when you peep her socials so that could be those two Junie B Jones: Cute cos he looks like such a bad boy but he's actually a babe Embert: I know we said this for Adonis so either need to change it to him or not go as hard but what if he gets a gf that's like really jealous and doesn't let him hang with Cammie 'cos she's a girl even though they're like siblings and have been besties long before you came Embert: and like she could try and change his personality like be really unimpressed and like 'you're embarrassing me' if he tries to be a cute nerd Junie B Jones: I love that because always such a thing like boys and girls can't be friends like bitch we're related calm down we're not incesting again Junie B Jones: like she thought he was such a badass or whatever soz hun Embert: yeah like the mood of, you're fit so i'll just make you what I want you to be Embert: and she could be a real cunt to Cammie in sly bitchy ways 'cos clearly the mood and that's a throwback to how Mia and co treated Janis without us like putting this fam through too much trauma, you know? Embert: esp if Cammie is less like Janis and Cass in a way she's not like, fuck you, I'll just deck you Junie B Jones: I fuck with this heavily Embert: and obviously, it can be resolved in the end, he can get rid and they can be friends again, so I feel its a good level of angst and drama for them both, 'cos it is serious but not like, well there's nothing to be done, vibes Junie B Jones: and we can potentially ramp up the angst when things are at their worst cos maybe Cammie's mum gets a new job and she's like come live with me in wherever (not far but like far enough she would've been like no cos close to them all and not wanting to change schools) but she's like maybe I shall but then of course won't cos it's like the peppa pig when her mum don't get the job and gets mugged off Junie B Jones: but they all think she's going and it's like noooo Embert: are Bobby and this mum still together, like is she the boys mum too? Embert: but yes, I fuck with that Junie B Jones: In my head they would've been together for ages so it depends how far back we go into their childhood/teens but maybe she isn't the mum to the boys Embert: Okay just so we know Junie B Jones: but they always on good terms we don't need that drama again Embert: yeah I feel you, and she's chill with the boys mum, 'cos she's only 10 when the first one is born so she's been around since then? Junie B Jones: Yeah exactly Junie B Jones: We can potentially give her more younger sibs on the mums side if we want but they'd also only be ref-ed Embert: defs plausible Junie B Jones: Like let's say they broke up when Cammie's like 7 so it's all chill on both sides Embert: I vibe Junie B Jones: she could totally spend half the week at her mum's house and half at her dad's but same school cos nearby so again no drama Embert: that makes sense like its all in the area 'til she wanna pull a suzy sheep Junie B Jones: hahaha yeah Embert: so that's a start for those two Junie B Jones: I really like that Junie B Jones: it's just what we wanna do with the girls Embert: I was thinking Embert: and I'm just speaking it out now Embert: we've done people being shunned out of their friendship group/being the bullied Embert: but what if we do someone being the sort of ringleader of the shunning Embert: I'm vibing like you know that story we listened to/all teen girl murder stories, like Jac has a friend that she's really too close with (Grace and Mia vibes) and we show them like ditching a third Embert: maybe something happens, not murder but like you know, an action serious enough that she's like I need to sort my shit/we can redeem in the end Embert: but she's the Mia, not the Grace, you feel me, like its her pushing it Junie B Jones: Oh snap I never even thought of that but we haven't actually that's such a good point even if Janis would be so triggered by the ghost of Mia lol Junie B Jones: Like yeah there could totally be some kind of accident like how baby Ali and Ro but she's not a child Junie B Jones: I also like it cos Jude is the louder one so you'd think it'd be her but it's the quiet ones you've gotta watch Junie B Jones: and it's a nice contrast to how Cammie and Jameson are literally being bullied so Junie B Jones: maybe we should have jude as like more of a background character then? cos don't want too much drama in one fam unless it's as big as Cali's Embert: Yeah she can be more chill, like a Tommy vibe, like we use her but only when we need lowkey Junie B Jones: Yeah like obvs I'll still try and flesh her out into a character and who knows what could happen like we could think of a cool ship or whatever but Junie B Jones: it makes sense as of now Embert: agreed Embert: like obvs this twosome vibe has a lesbian one 'cos always do but I maintain she shouldn't ever like get with her it should just be friends that are too obsessed with each other, regardless of what's behind it Embert: like maybe the other girl is closeted or whatever but it ain't happening lol Junie B Jones: I agree she gives me straight vibes Embert: plus it would be easy to make her gay 'cos everyone does ala Lily Junie B Jones: not doing it on principle Junie B Jones: they all seem straight to me in this group Embert: I think so Embert: 'cos like you said, you don't wanna make Miley Junie B Jones: it would be so easy to make her a musician but I must not Junie B Jones: I might make her a tattoo artist though professionally cos Ali and Iggy both dabbled but it was never a thing Embert: That's a good idea, she fits that well Embert: okay so my random idea, which we could attach to anyone really but let's see who we vibe Embert: we did a teacher crush, what if we did a crush on a friend's parent Embert: so Arlo having a crush on a commune mum and thinking he can go there 'cos why not and then the shitstorm that can ensue from that Junie B Jones: such a good idea Junie B Jones: like maybe his friend is a girl so peeps be like aw he likes you he's trying to get your mum on side Embert: yas again, always a thing like maybe he's just lowkey using you soz babe Junie B Jones: and maybe the friend actually fancies him secretly even though they 'just friends' so it's awks af Embert: yeah and if Barley's boyf is with this fam and they leave Embert: she could be the one (or one of the ones) like I said that wants to be normal and already hates living here so its like well you took the one thing Embert: 'cos we said dating within the commune for the kids wouldn't be encouraged obvs 'cos one big family, so the fact she was was already like no no missy Embert: then we said about her not acknowledging the other mum/the two kids that are from that woman as family and just generally fucking with your hippie paradise 'cos its coming to and end lads Junie B Jones: 10000% and she could still be sneaky seeing him long distance behind their backs/ get back with him after the fire when they have to leave themselves/both if long distance is too hard Embert: I vibe with this 'voice of reason' character for you Embert: like no wonder he fucked up you can't give us 'no rules' but then have all these unspoken ones that contradict how you wanna live like, loads of this hippie bullshit is so hypocritical read 'em tbh Junie B Jones: it makes sense cos Arlo as the oldest buys in totally and then the two kids she don't fuck with come after her in quick succession so it's logical Embert: exactly, and then Shea is her biological sister and the baby so she don't know nothing about nothing Junie B Jones: Okay so Echo is like a Naomi vibe v passionate and studious and does not fuck with commune life etc Junie B Jones: wants to be some kind of researcher/ lecturer kind of vibe in like philosophy but a nihilist not hippie bullshit Junie B Jones: Arlo and Dash should be friends I say even though I play them both but just acknowledged Embert: I thought the same Embert: Dash would probs encourage him with this crush lbr like thanks Junie B Jones: I was just gonna say that cos he's always getting with older girls and generally being a hoe Embert: Exactly Embert: right, so circling back a lil, we can do Cass' Embert: what do you reckon her relationship status is and her career Junie B Jones: her career should be like we said she's set up a charity organisation to look for missing people Junie B Jones: she should still be with her man cos everyone's breaking up looking at you bobert Junie B Jones: maybe their marriage is lowkey a bit dead though and its a stay together til the kids move out mood cos we've never Embert: I vibe, 'cos casually triggering Jimmy but not in an OTT way just like well that's sad Junie B Jones: yeah like neither of them would cheat or be violent or any of that Ian shit but they obvs not in love anymore Embert: its a good way to do it 'cos idc what you say the kids always know and obvs we're unlikely to ever do that in a ship 'cos if they make it to adulthood they're OTP and teens don't stick together just 'cos like lol Junie B Jones: exactly my thought and like she would wanna hold it together and think that she was doing it well cos of Ian like Embert: exactly like it is sad but when that's your standard you would think you were slaying it Embert: like the positive she can see with JJ she might just think that's one-off and she can't have that 'cos obvs around the time she has the boys, Bobby's first has fallen apart Junie B Jones: and because JJ are such a good couple you wouldn't wanna be like my relationship has failed bye Embert: samesies babe lol Junie B Jones: ooh and maybe they aren't married so if one of them leaves the other gets fuck all Embert: which assumedly, is her because as much as you do get salary for charity work, if its a smaller one, she wouldn't be bringing in the bulk so the mortgage could be in his name Embert: so she'd be in the position of moving out into a one bed flat, two if she was lucky so the boys could at least come see her, it happens that way a lot Junie B Jones: precisely what I was thinking Junie B Jones: it's sad but real Embert: idea though, although this is suddenly just becoming about Cass not her kids lmao, what if her lil boyfriend from back in the day was Tylers face and then they can reconnect later but its actually a positive and not drow Junie B Jones: He was and they should cos I'm screaming Embert: again, he can bring kids into the mix for faces and stories should we wanna Embert: but it'd be a nice way to take a situ that is sad and shit for her, and for her boys to see, and then have a happy but realistic ending like yeah you do need to leave your man but you can be happy and it'll be alright Junie B Jones: I love it Embert: Alex having anger issues like Cass did and also due to the home situ as mentioned, Max, as the older brother trying to hold it down in a very Jimothy way and not causing more trouble as he sees it Embert: Alex ending up in young offenders but actually turning it around/ending up okay too Junie B Jones: and there's potential for characters he could interact with when he's in there, before and after Junie B Jones: like remember on DG when Electra was in that gang and then the bitch came back around like Embert: yes I do FAT mood Embert: also Max should get help too 'cos it ain't just the one that causes trouble that needs it and its nice full circle for that fam to have that Embert: but my idea, could be related to Alex but I think is big enough we could give this to another character entirely Embert: you remember on this is england when combo turned it around and he saved lol and he was working with the young people and making a difference but then milky set his fam on him for what he did to him when he was a racist and was like you have to pay and he was like okay Embert: what if something like that happened like, Alex DID hurt someone, or like I said, another character did, and did do something bad Embert: but then turned it around but sometimes you do for yourself but you still have to pay and the person you wronged could call that at any moment and you just being good now isn't good enough for them Junie B Jones: OKAY YES because what if another character is doing that shit with Alex but don't get caught and so they carry on and escalate and yeah they do hurt someone and yeah it's like that Embert: what about Israel 'cos he's the same age Embert: and it can be another sins of the father moment, 'cos Pablo is a dick especially to women like he's 34 when he has his one child 'cos he's still being a fuckboy very Drew Embert: so he is not a good role model in anyway Junie B Jones: and like we said that'd make sense like if he started out stealing and shit because Pablo's debts and being bankrupt but he wants nice things like it all ties in he has his own motivations Embert: right, fully Embert: maybe he ends up doing something to a girl, like something Pablo would never but shows how your kids see you isn't how you see yourself if you often show a bad side of you to the world Embert: 'cos then the girls family/friends/boyfriend anything could come for him and its like, fair Junie B Jones: OMG THO that's so legit Embert: 'cos we said an assault moment 'cos that's something that's indefensible Embert: like stealing and drugs and what have you, its scummy but you see why, like we all get why Tess has to deal etc Junie B Jones: we have to Embert: so if we want a family death, that could be one, again, leaves you conflicted Embert: 'cos no one obvs wants him to die but then he did do a bad thing so you can't blame her family fully Junie B Jones: yeah instead of killing of fam in the fire we could kill him instead that's so much more interesting Embert: *** in said commune fire, Dash gets burnt, severely, face/neck area, and changes his life 'cos people change around you, you can't rely on your looks and you aren't gonna just sit around and get stoned when you nearly die, Jules can and will still fuck with him Embert: Zelda having Crohns or UC and having a stoma and meeting someone brotp or otp at a support group/hospital moment, dealing with people being shady/saying you aren't disabled etc all those fun times and then the person dying and losing that understanding you only get from someone who also has the thing you have Embert: ALSO I've had another idea whilst we're just spitballing Junie B Jones: Me too because we mentioned Tayo and like yeah I've said about K-stew being a carer to her mum but we could do some of that too in a different way like maybe unlike her he really doesn't wanna be/is scared of having to cope alone with his mum's fits and shit like Embert: I'm so about that Embert: 'cos so many kids have to and its really hard and thankless, so he 100% needs a confidant whether its within the fam or a friend or OTP moment Junie B Jones: like maybe he doesn't ever wanna be alone with her now in case and it's like putting a strain on their whole relationship obvs Embert: 'cos Diego has his own things like he gotta work etc he's not like a replacement carer Junie B Jones: yeah like he'd do a lot of course but he also works a lot Embert: so Adi because his mum also has a disability like it isn't the same but he'd get it enough to not be totally clueless and annoying Junie B Jones: yeah and they can have fun together it'd be cute Embert: Wid it Embert: so my idea, completely unrelated but I was thinking we need to give someone an addiction issue but someone who gets over it and is within the fam 'cos like Joe and Ronnie do but you know they're still like, fucked and not here lowkey so Embert: I was like hmm who can I and then I was like, it NEEDS to be a ruster child Embert: because its canon that Fraze drinks too much and doesn't address it and Buster is v similar Embert: so yeah genetic and also if it was drink, they'd not take it serious just like oh slow down a bit but you're fine but then it affects the kid in the ways it didn't affect them like not functioning and not going to work etc so they have to take it serious Embert: also think it should be one of the girls 'cos double standard of being like a lad Embert: is going to be Sekhmet, okay Junie B Jones: because the twins and their younger sister could all be lowkey party girls because rich so they'd all have to deal with the change in their social lives and behaviour Junie B Jones: since she'd need to not drink ever again let's assume Junie B Jones: we know the whole fam is about that party and entertaining life Embert: exactly so like, they're all gonna be put out like really, just don't go as hard and ruin it for yourself and us Embert: hence it can get to a problematic stage like they just think she's being a typical teen/20-something 'cos it is socially acceptable to binge and be a mess like ok Embert: my vibe is she's in uni but also has an internship that she royally fucks up 'cos she can't get in on time and then maybe there's like a work dinner like on can't cope won't cope and she is wrecked and embarrasses herself and the boss is like goodbye 'cos no one fails in this fam its not an option and if you do its all on you so Junie B Jones: and maybe one of her sister's is a DJ cos literally a lifestyle and they'll have to be like excuse me while I go straight edge to support my sister Embert: I can see that for her twin Embert: my idea for her is fashion but actually designing and buying and the business side of it, not like, imma just model 'cos I'm pretty, no shade Junie B Jones: Yeah the aesthetic feels real for both of those tbh Junie B Jones: Their sister is a holiday rep so loads of travel loads of club promo etc Embert: Jay is a PT, mommy issues for commitment etc, travels a lot, ultimately will get over commitment phobia; is 6 when Chloe admits Buster is her dad (as Ruster was outed around the time she was born, Chloe denied it and went with James, James goes uni and finds someone else so that being over etc can prompt her to change her mind) and allows access, at 11, moves in with Ruster for good (Chloe has new man and babies what have you so allows it without argument which also fucks her up duh) Saint is 8, King is 6, Venus is 5, Adonis is 4, the twins are 2 and Nefertari is 1 Embert: so when all the Venus drama is unfolding, surprise you have a child too Buster lol, Saint is 3, King is 1, Venus is baby Embert: so Saint Embert: firstborn son, their first child too which is relevant 'cos both Jay and Venus would get doubly spoiled either side of him for not being Embert: so then he'd probably get spoiled too 'cos just a mess of a time really Embert: like he can't not be a bit of a prick really 'cos he can do no wrong and no offense to the other two boys but he's the most masc and conventionally 'perfect' so that's obvs going to your head too Embert: okay so mood, Leilani is 15 when her mum (works with Grace, close) dies in 2053 and Grace, 30, takes her in so she doesn't have to do a care moment or be homeless and struggling alone Embert: is friends with Stevie from joining this fam, can also know Janis' kids before this even but is 6/7/8 years older than them so knows them more in a protective capacity than a friend vibe Embert: comes in Saint who is 3 years older, thinks he's god's gift, tries to sleep with her just 'cos lbr and when he gets a no his world is shooketh 'cos no one tells him no for all the reasons Embert: can end up friends when he's humbled etc Junie B Jones: oh but maybe King is little and really fierce like 🥊 Junie B Jones: don't be underestimating him so hard dickheads Junie B Jones: he should be the angry one lol Embert: you would be if people treated you like that so I buy it Junie B Jones: all of y'all stop being extra and let him live Embert: and no one takes your anger seriously if you can't do anything about it so again, real Junie B Jones: so rude Embert: Next up is Venus good lord Junie B Jones: we know what the story is, her dad only cares when she's little and cute and lives in Paris anyway pretending he's still in his 20s forever instead of a grown ass man Junie B Jones: would obvs be proud when she's gay though even though can't relate to anything about the female form cos that kind of gay Junie B Jones: like Saint she thinks she's gods gift but unlike him how are we backing that up hun cos unlike him you aren't talented at anything you're just pretentious Junie B Jones: like okay you're beautiful but JESUS you know it and can't take any criticism again like Saint but you're never getting humbled Junie B Jones: instead you're getting a gf who looks like you and probably a fine arts degree pop off sis Junie B Jones: only wanna be part of the fam when it suits you which is when you're getting spoilt Embert: but I think we don't have to redeem her 'cos like, its not a fixable situ so you just get to be a shit person 'cos you got fucked over and that is everyone's bad Embert: like they can't take it back, even though you could also blame your father 'cos he's more at fault than anyone else 'cos he should've never but you do you girl Junie B Jones: yeah and not everyone gets redeemed even when they can be so it's real Embert: that said, I think she should have a teen gf that looks like her as we said but then she realizes she can't hack any situ where she potentially might not be the 'prettiest' so she then only dates butches Embert: or androgenous artsy types but no femmes Junie B Jones: I feel that for her Embert: like she literally should be in love with this girl as much as she's capable but dump her 'cos clearly your insecurities are so deep-rooted Embert: then just be with people you lowkey don't even fancy Embert: 'cos then we could play that out, the girl just like what the fuck Junie B Jones: oh honey Embert: we all know hoes that sabotage themselves always and then blame the world Embert: which starts by picking to be on her dad's 'side' even though everyone can see he's most at fault, even you Junie B Jones: bitch #past me I am triggered by this Embert: like a lot of her stuff I feel like we just know at this point so it might not be all here 'cos its well developed within gen 3 Embert: we know that her and Jay just would not get on, mainly 'cos they aren't alike but do you wanna come at it from her POV and then I will Venus' Junie B Jones: I think the way she sees it is like she is so team ruster like she'd refer to Rio as her mum and shit cos Chloe is not the one and so she would not fuck with how Venus treats the fam and doesn't wanna be part of it but is still happy to benefit from it Junie B Jones: And how quick she is to call peeps racist or fatphobic or whatever else would not ever help the situ of course like bitch I'm trying to talk to you Junie B Jones: But also there's some similarities whether they acknowledge them or not in them both not being able to hack relationships that makes it interesting as another reason to avoid talking to/ acknowledging each other seriously Junie B Jones: like she'd so pretend Chloe doesn't exist if someone mentioned her mum she'd be all oh you mean Rio lol lol lol Embert: 100000% all of that Embert: also another reason you cannot fuck with each other, casually never shutting up about your dad Embert: okay, so from her POV I vibe it that as a kid she literally just wanted all the attention and 'til the twins which is when she's 3 so (literally so petty you can't remember) its like I should've been the only girl and you came and took my attention lmao Junie B Jones: Oh god she'd be such an annoying child though Embert: then as they get older and she doesn't want to be part of the fam she'd think its unfair (as if Jay can help it lol) that Jay is obviously not Rio's 'cos she's white whereas she fits Embert: its the anti-Edie of it all Embert: like I fit and I wish I didn't Embert: basically she doesn't wanna be here but she's not a runaway type or willing to not live lavish so she ain't leaving Embert: she needs her dad to take her in but he's said no so like, you'll have to make it happen yourself but how Junie B Jones: sad but true Embert: and you can only feel so bad 'cos she whines like she's dying in all situations but like Embert: it ain't that bad and there's plenty you could do about your situation so Junie B Jones: Grace of this gen I've said it before baby Embert: oh honey Embert: makes you barren to humble is not an option 'cos you wouldn't want kids Embert: the tea of it all like you wanna live like your dad but he had a kid and shouldn't be so pick a better role model tah Junie B Jones: literally this fam is so big you're surrounded by potential worthwhile role models girl Embert: honestly she'll never be satisfied she's that hoe in a very Ro way like my god do something about it but she won't Embert: casually making it your life's work to make everything harder than it needs to just be miserable because something happened to you when you were a baby (again, so Ro) that you couldn't control Junie B Jones: all y'all frustrate me like I wasn't that bitch #tea Embert: loads of peeps are never happy though or are but then lose it so or fuck it up, we gave Ro a kid as a chance and I think Venus should actually love this girl/ she should be good for her in a way that makes her feel #seen hence she has to end it too Junie B Jones: agreed and she never gets her back because sometimes you don't and you can't Embert: mhmm mhmm mhmm Embert: I don't think we need to go as in-depth on any of the other sibs, like Saint would probably tolerate her the best, as mentioned she'd patronize King 'cos just that bitch without it being intentional 'cos self-absorbed, Adonis would do his best to ignore her and she wouldn't fuck with any of the girls 'cos she can't with girls so Junie B Jones: agreed on the legitness of all that Junie B Jones: Oh maybe Xander could be a hypochondriac because his sister is actually ill all the time like remember on skins when Liv thought she was dying Junie B Jones: obvious idea but I'm drawing a blank otherwise like Junie B Jones: also have we ever done online dating? Junie B Jones: because my thought is maybe he's lowkey catfishing someone pretending to be like a badass when obvs not Junie B Jones: like maybe he catfishes loads of peeps as if it's a hobby Junie B Jones: but then someone could find him out Embert: that's a really good idea 'cos we haven't Junie B Jones: like potential for otp/brotp to come from that even in a slow burn way Junie B Jones: if they end up liking who he actually is or whatever Junie B Jones: despite everything that's happened Junie B Jones: oh snap what if he's using pics of one of the other boy characters and whoever he's catfishing finds that person's socials or whatever and are talking to them thinking they are a thing and the person be like um Embert: omg yes Junie B Jones: Jameson was my immediate thought cos badass look and you play him but could be Ollie's boy cos also or whoever else Junie B Jones: cos they don't need to be a you character necessarily could just refer like Embert: that ties in well though 'cos his jealous girlfriend Embert: make it a huge thing so then Xander kinda has to shame himself like that was me 'cos feels bad that he's now getting accused of cheating even though it'd be a blessing to be out of that relationship Junie B Jones: ooh true that'd be good Embert: and the other person/the catfished could have like found his socials and seen he was in a relationship/know 'cos his highkey gf and be like calling him out so less embarrassing on their end 'cos bad enough they're being catfished as is Junie B Jones: that's a really good idea Junie B Jones: even with the age gap between Xander and him I still think we can make it work cos adds to the catfish of it all Junie B Jones: even if we can't then get him with the catfished person we can always do that he's himself online in the future and blah Embert: yah Embert: wid it Embert: so Stevie Embert: Billie is 17 when she has you with another male model in NYC, you live your life with Nancy too so factor that in Embert: moving back to Dublin when you're 10 and like, maybe the dad and her have phonecalls but like, he doesn't make an appropriate amount of effort like Junie B Jones: visit her you dick Embert: and we've said that Billie as a mum is like not the best 'cos Edie only died like 3 years ago when this and she left 'cos not coping so its not like NYC fixed her or anything Embert: she'd take care of her but she'd be distant 'cos giving a shit too much fucked her up so Junie B Jones: sad but true soz Stevie babe Embert: we also said before she'd like take her to work and shenanigans that someone like Venus would think is so cool but she does not 'cos it would actually be so boring if that was your life and you had to Junie B Jones: and on any shoot there's so much sitting around even if you're the person doing it never mind for her Embert: exactly, like in my head they make a ThingTM of them being like a model couple with a model ass child but as soon as she's old enough to have say she's like well I don't wanna do it thanks Junie B Jones: a mood Embert: so my vibe when they go back to Dublin is Billie has to face up to what she's not for the last what, 13 years Embert: so she'd lowkey be a bit of a wreck no offense so I feel like someone else needs to take care of her but I'm like Embert: do we make Nancy come back for a bit like the #lifepartner she is or do we say someone else does lol Junie B Jones: we could because it'd be less traumatic for Stevie or we could make someone in the fam and make it more awks for her Embert: I don't know which way I prefer it lol, also from a Nancy POV Embert: like should you come back or are you good you know Embert: hmm Junie B Jones: yeah I'm not sure what I fuck with more, who would be able to if not her cos that might help us decide Embert: so it would be 48, let us see Embert: Ruster have all their kids, including Jay Embert: hokay so Embert: maybe we bring Nancy back but she's like ehh about it like obviously she can work from wherever anyway but she's dedicating to some time she can't really travel whilst Billie sorts herself so she could be talking to Junie about it 'cos can vent without sounding like a bitch and he's like I'll come help and then she can help him get back in touch with the family properly 'cos low-key avoiding everyone else still and Venus is the same age as Stevie so if this is happening when she's like 10, Junior could actually talk to her and explain what happened from his perspective and answer questions best he can Embert: and like she can pretend it never happened when she's older but it did, like not saying it has to be good enough for you but he did try Junie B Jones: that makes my heart happy cos he's so young still don't be in exile forever boy Embert: and like Nancy can spend the time with all the Ruster kids too and reconnect more herself Embert: like they can both go back 'cos Billie won't be like totally incapable forever but they can both put in the time and feel better about it Junie B Jones: Okay so then she's like 12 ish and back with her mum and shit is better but obvs her dad is still not showing up ever Embert: and you have an accent and a 'famous' (ish) mum and you've been in shoots with her and you're pretty and so to me a vibe of like, this is too much attention and I'm not about it seems real Embert: not even necessarily shy just like, everyone likes me for the wrong reasons vibe and I don't fuck with it Junie B Jones: that's very real Junie B Jones: so if we did do the opposite of Jay and Venus and like I gotta find someone to like me for the right reasons and give it my all I think that would make sense Embert: I see it Embert: and she isn't like woe is me about it 'cos that would be unbearable but she's also not faking it like I'M LOVING LIFE and bad shit has happened so Junie B Jones: Yeah exactly Junie B Jones: and like nobody could blame her for being 'too much' with said person if her mum and dad are both distant Embert: exactly and she'd probably need to have a fair few failed relationships 'cos people aren't about that for loads of reasons like you're too full on too quick, or people would be about that for the wrong, i.e. they sense it and use it against you so then you have to leave which she'd be bad at doing so, in that case, she should have a boyfriend/girlfriend who is equally fucked but in different ways and its just a disaster 'cos she won't be the one to end it Junie B Jones: I feel that, there's loads of potential for doomed relationships there Embert: like, it doesn't even have to be like they're abusive levels of bad, its just it doesn't work and they treat her like crap in a like, do something about it way and then she don't and they're like...why, lowkey what's wrong with you Embert: like it could end up being right but not through the relationship but just by being like, you gotta work on that Junie B Jones: 100% Embert: much like how Grace was with boys like lowkey just love me and I'll deal with whatever tbh Junie B Jones: maybe there's someone on the sidelines watching this like I wish you'd sort your shit cos ILY but we can't be a thingTM Embert: I'd vibe Junie B Jones: idk who or why but like who doesn't love pining from afar while someone fucks their life up Embert: so helpful whoever you are godbless Junie B Jones: honestly Junie B Jones: and they should get together like this man thinking he's gonna fix her and it's like guess what twat you can't Embert: and it takes someone actually wanting you and wanting to to be like hmm, I gotta fix myself 'cos this ain't it Junie B Jones: mhmmmm Embert: I think we can start Junie B Jones: we did it boo *Echo abortion storyline

[nosuchthingasstars]

Prompt: A memory intertwined with a song

This is a mental health prompt, and my memory is -- you guessed it! -- mental health-related.

About six years ago, in late 2015, I was having a bad time. I still don't know exactly why, and I guess sometimes that's just how these things go. I had just moved across the country, and a lot of things had changed all at once. But I did have friends, both local and remote, and I'd been living away from family for years, so it just seemed like "I should be able to deal with this, right?"

There were a lot of little things that probably helped spur along my problems, though. I'd been excited about starting grad school, but I was having trouble making new friends in my department. I was sad that my officemate didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. Around the time everything really started to unravel, I was hit by a car while crossing the street. I wasn't injured, more upset than anything. It was more of a bump, really. And since I was basically fine (a couple of bruises, nothing more), I kind of just tried to keep going.

Some of the therapists I've spoken to think that event was super influential in this whole thing. I'm less certain... Things had already not been going great, and while I'm told I felt guilty for surviving... I didn't feel that way, and I still don't. I was angry at the guy who hit me, I guess, but even that passed pretty quickly. I do think maybe I could have taken a day or two to process or something, but I really don't think it would have made a difference. Things were already pretty bad. I think of the car thing as "the icing on the cake." Except the cake is shit and the icing is something equally gross. Use your imagination.

I started having these weird thoughts that I just could not seem to push out of my mind. (They're called ruminations, btw, but I didn't know that then.) I became obsessed with this idea that I had cheated my way into grad school. It got really out of hand. I was so consumed with that idea that I couldn't even focus on my work, which was the whole reason I was in grad school to begin with. I was slowly convinced by people around me that I needed professional help, but it was harder to get than I expected. When I saw a campus therapist, she essentially told me that my anxieties seemed perfectly rational to her, so why was I seeking therapy anyway? My mom became so worried that she flew out to see me and, one afternoon, begged me to go to the walk-in mental health clinic. There, I was basically told "Grad school is hard, man" and asked if I was aware that this service was intended for emergencies. I saw a psychiatrist on campus, too, who prescribed me Zoloft (good choice, I still take that) and Ativan (much more questionable choice). For the uninitiated, Ativan is an anti-anxiety med. It can calm you down if you have anxiety. However, much like alcohol and many other substances, it's also a "downer". It's not an awesome choice for someone who is depressed.

By the end of that semester -- which I managed to hobble through, somehow -- a friend had convinced me that it really wouldn't end my career to take a semester off. And I did that, in the end. And I am so glad I did, because things got so much worse before they got better. I stayed with my parents and saw a therapist weekly while taking my meds every day and trying to keep it together. It was not a happy few months, to say the least. I ended up needed more medication (yay, Abilify!), and my therapist did her best to teach me how to deal with the intrusive thoughts until the medications started to take effect. Officially, I have depression and OCD. Untangling who caused which symptoms is complicated, because some of them overlap. Fortunately, the medications overlap, too. Little by little, the thoughts went away, but waiting for that to happen was absolutely agonizing.

So finally, we come to the song. I'm not sure when I first heard it. It's on a Gavin DeGraw album that my sister didn't like, and I probably only listened because it was on Spotify. But there's this line that repeats a couple of times.

Take those boots off the shelf Wipe that dust off yourself Even if you've been through hell, you're back

Still gets me. Because I did feel like I'd been through hell. I even questioned if I wanted to go back to grad school at all. But I did go back, I spent an additional five years there, and I got my PhD in the end. My career didn't suffer for having taken time off. Realistically, I couldn't have stayed while all that was going on inside my head. I left, I did what I needed to do, I got the help I needed, and I came back.

Mental illness told me my life and career were over. It told me all kinds of lies about myself. I still have bad days sometimes. But, all in all, things have improved so much since then. Even if you're going through hell now, you can come back. It doesn't have to be the end of your story.

[potatopossums]

Wouldn't i kill to have someone appreciate my body.

I mean, appreciate the way my body moves, responds, the way i feel, all the parts of it.

There is something in me that does want someone else there to witness just how great I feel, someone to mesh into and bond with, even if just for that moment of ecstasy. That feels like a really far off thing, and I'm not sure why. I feel like who i am and the way i love has changed a lot over time.

Now I'm at the point where I'm not sure what i even want anymore, in a broad sense. I used to be able to name it: "i want to get married" or "i want to have sex."

Now I'm not so sure those things are what i want. I'm not sure those things are specific enough.

I want to lay down with a person i find attractive, for their beauty, their wit, their kindness to me, their listening ears and their gentle nods and soft touch because I've told them, they know; I'm afraid and still feel wounds under my skin. I want them to hug me, hold me, hear me. I want them to comfort me. I want to fall asleep like a child in their warmth. I want to heal a little there. (Today feels like that. Tomorrow may feel different.)

My body, as a part of who i am, having been through those stressful moments of violation and mistrust and betrayal and fear with me — i want someone else to witness me and hold me somehow. Make space for me. Don't leave me out in the cold, alone, after you've observed me and left. Please. Someone look at me and take me in. I would do the same for so many. I try to do the same for myself. But it's so hard to believe that others, especially people i look up to, would do that for me. I feel like my layers are cracked, crumbling, and many. Even some of my best friends don't know their depth. It feels like a prison. I feel like I'm down there, strange in the darkness, cold, burning only myself for heat, alone. Cracking the layers hurts like hell. I just wish the layers weren't there anyway. But they came right up before i knew what they were, and they existed for a reason. Now, I'm protecting myself from so many things, i feel like I'm not living at all.

I want to feel like there are good things out in the world, things and people i can trust. The problem is that i don't feel quite safe. I don't always feel the good things.

(I get the sense that my therapist was more interested in saving my relationship with my ex spouse, if only just to be able to navigate the divorce, than to save my relationships with my closest friends. I'm in turmoil over them a great deal nowadays. I miss them. I'm feeling baseless and flailing. I wish i had something i could call my anchor, my home, and it hurts that i can't find that anymore. I don't want to say goodbye to my friends. I don't want to stop leaning on them. I don't want to be alone again. I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm alone. I can't not lean on them. I need to lean on someone right now. And they know me best and care about me, even if they're not perfect gods or something, even if they're my friends and not my family or ex spouse or whoever. I need someone who cares about me. I can't let go of them. If i do I'll be really in shambles, I'll feel hopeless, too hopeless to try again.)

All today has been anxiety and curling up in bed, trying to sleep, trying to relax my core. I haven't felt this bad for a while. It just makes all my thoughts even more on edge. I can hardly handle anything. It feels terrible. And there are so many things I've been worried about. Money, food, social things. It all hurts a lot. I wish i could just eat normally, like i used to. I wish i could have my old comfort foods, i wish i could utilize those easy box or frozen meals when I'm feeling like this. Then i could have something reliable, something i knew i could eat. Now eating food makes me feel anxious, because I'm so worried about whether I'm going to feel like crap later.

I'm not sure how to make it through these things. Some days I'm doing so well. Then days like this hit, out of nowhere. And I'm stuck suffering the consequences. It hurts.

[emotionalyodeling]

hghghghgg I am unwell. i have quit my job. i need to text ceci that i cant come in. im gonna do that now and block her. ok i have left the gc. i feel not rlly better well maybe a little bit but ugh. molly was talking about how some guy wanted to like pressure her into sex and i like. idk it made me think of zach and i's first time i just am not sure of if it was consentual like it was so weird. he literally just like napped but then started like fingering and it was just ? idk maybe it was just clumsy, i just wish we had talked about it more :/ rushing into stuff just made consent so dubious and i wish it just hadn't so i wouldn't have to question stuff. idk i feel like i was just going along with a lot of stuff, maybe i wasn't but i just wish stuff had been talked.about.

anyways i basically feel like shit. literally just wanna ughfgkdfjgd. i dont even know. i thought quitting would help but for some reason i just feel so depressed. my sleep schedule is messed up, so i should probably work on that, and work on eating more and stuff. i just am. hgg., last night i just started feeling immensely lonely and sad because the friend group seemed to be doing so well without me and i guess i felt sad bc i like being needed? but that doesnt seem exactly right.

i think i was sad because i wanted to join but didn't have the energy, also a lot of my friends r like. mentally ill. and tbh its not a bad thing but i do wish i had ppl who were just. ok i guess. i feel like its my moms voice whenever i see them vent about mental health stuff. for some reason for the past month empathy has just become very difficult to me. and i am literally just collecting more and more mentally ill peeps in this server lmao.

ugh also the fact that i was like ya i dont wanna b a counselor. and i literally just. was a counselor for max. i need to ask carolyn how i can be a friend instead of trying to be something else bc i honestyl am now just starting to feel used and when i "joked" about being maxs therapist and that people only wanted to talk with me about their problems and nothing else i got so. fucking sad and i hoenstly am sad just thinking about it like. this kind of reminds me of that vid where its like it feels good to think about myself as a victim. but literally milo, and kenny, isabella,and initially caden, and max sometimes too i just feel like they only go to me if im being emotional support. and also i feel like im the only one who is making plans, idk like someone else can plan stuff and they are interested in going but like. idk this isnt that big of a deal. like i actively make the conversation about other peoples problems out of habit. i dont rlly think its to avoid something? maybe i just need to feel needed for that purpose.

anyways i felt kind blegh so i facetimed zach and i told him i felt bad and it actually made me feel worse b/c he basically asked what he could do to help. which to me felt like he was trying to idk? i just would've rather him been like why whats wrong do u wanna talk about it? instead of focusing on fixing it. but he basically said we should go to sleep and for some reason i felt so sad after he shared that. and i wanted to say goodnight but i didnt wanna cry and for some reason i just didnt want to tell him i wanted to cry b/c i think when i feel bad reaching out for help is just ugh. i'd rather feel bad by myself i guess is my habit. so i texted goodnight and said i'd be fine which i didn't mean and i think i wanted him to like. chase after me, but it wasnt like an active thought in my brain. i usually would just open up, im sure i would've felt so much better if i had literally just. said babe i feel like crying and i dont know why and he would have been comforting to me, but i just didnt so now i feel so bad. because of many things.

also school. need to do school stuff. bio is gonna start tanking if it ahsn't already. need to get my shit together for that. but tbh i just feel gfdjkgndkfgnd.