#anyway im self projecting on the character that youre supposed to self project on i just needed to make it myself

[cloudyydraws]

more p5 doodles

[kosmicdream]

Please don’t think of me as a male artist.

..is what i used to feel, for many years, even when I finally came out as trans. In a way, its one of the factors that kept me from pursuing HRT (which im so glad i finally did.) After only one year, my feeling on this hasn’t evaporated completely but i suppose I kind of don’t care anymore about how I am interpreted, as a person/artist, ect.. It isn’t something i can be in control of anyway, which upsets me less than it used to.

Sometimes in the past, the way i write characters has often been analyzed by the gender I am, or appear to be - that my male characters were written like how a woman writes men (too emotional/vulnerable, ect) , or how my female characters are written thoughtlessly- like how a man would. (too horny, stupid, violent, ect.) Its not a new way to analyze a story but I can’t say that it doesn’t annoy me. It could still be true that my characters/writing could fall into sexist/problematic archetypes, but gendering my work based on the way my characters act always reminds me of the “you draw like a girl/boy” comments, which used to be more frequent when i was a teen.. But the idea that boys = angular, good at cars! Or something and girls are, i dunno, gonna draw sexy anime men or something. Even as a teenager, i hated this idea that my art was “girl art.” Truthfully, i always viewed my art and myself as an artist as genderfluid, maybe even a type of drag performance, where i can explore any gender and not be limited by my body, it was my escape from that. Which naturally, it became my place to explore gender presentation and eventually helped me “crack my egg” of realizing i was a trans man.

I do think its important to reflect or regard my work as the art made by a trans man, or transmasculine person. I feel more and more just like “just a dude” these days. I am also a gay man. I think those things are important to my work. I think that the analysis of my work in regards to my identity as a person is important to reflect on. I also think the steps I took to get there were important, that transformation and my continued exploration of my older selves and more “label-less” self in the art i make. That’s a private space for me, that I happen to share with the world too. I feel the audience is part of my work too, I welcome it even. I have become part of the audience too and I look at my work as if I’m also a stranger. The older my work gets, the more of it I can study, the more I can see plainly how I got here and also it feels so confusing how it did. I try to study my art to help me find where I want to go to next, a map to guide me. 

In some ways, I feel more lost than I did before, where all my instinct was pushing me was just to grow and explore as much as possible. Now, I don’t have that same type of energy that I used to. Its not a bad thing, its just different. There’s a sense of duty and commitment and a sense of dread of the time it takes to do what I feel compelled to do on this step of my journey. I am trying to focus more on the things I used to think I was incapable of before and I’m trying to remember the things I used to think were so effortless. I can tell my art is sharper but it feels almost like a mimicry of my older selves - at least when I revisit old work to continue its journey past where its been frozen in time. Comics take a long time, after all, it's normal that after a few years - a story might be yours, but it feels like it belongs to the past of you too, maybe more than it does in the present. I like the commitment I have to my comics though, its not a burden to me. The feeling is strange anyway. 

I tend to think that 1-3 years of a project being made, those are the honeymoon years of the relationship. But you hit a wall in 4-5 years and sometimes you’re in denial about it, you try to keep the dreams and feeling alive as you drag it forward, and sometimes the project really reaches its end around 8-10 years and it becomes a type of empty promise to return to it. Not that this is true for every artist, every project, ect. But I think its a natural lifespan for comics that I’ve observed, and it's because it is uncomfortable to face morality and the morality of our own art. Art is this escape, and when it becomes a job - or an uncomfortable mirror into these things about ourselves, about our failures and promises we couldn’t manage to make, the pressures of the audience, the boredom of the task if you have already told yourself the story a thousand times and you have no longer a desire to continue it, ect - its a normal and natural feeling to want to drop it off a cliff. Blow it up, start over fresh - I know the feeling! Its happened many times. But its kind of temporary? Then, it cycles back to nostalgia - and the desire to create and recreate and reform the past to something tangible again.. uh

Sorry, sorry.. I am getting far from the point I started with. Not that any of this makes too much sense, I feel like writing it anyway. It bothers me that the fantasy of art to me, is the ability to dissolve yourself and stop existing, you are the creator creating. You don’t need to be confined by, really anything. It is in “your control” now, and you surrender your own control by falling into the art and letting it “lead you” places. This is a very seductive process and while it might temporarily be fulfilling (even when done for a lifetime) cannot really.. What.. completely fill the void of whatever you’re chasing down there? Its nice though. At least, when I think about when i first started drawing comics, it was to draw Vash the Stampede (from the original 98 anime series, i hate the new one. We’re not talking about there here) coming out of my television after a thunderstorm and he had to just live in my house now. It was the closest thing I could do to actually manifesting that as reality, of making this amazing anime husband come to life to just like live with me now and be my boyfriend. In a lot of ways I don’t see my pursuit of writing ocs, specifically male ones, really much different from this same desire of like “i can just make my perfect boyfriend!” born out of the loneliness I felt in my heart, and the fear that there is no boyfriend out there for me so i need to frankenstein my own - and this boyfriend will be poifect in every way. Or like, crafting the perfect “relationship” in replace the lack of one, or just the fantasy of watching very abstract extremes come to life in various puppets i crafted, beating the shit out of each other for entertainment. But to subject all these.. Abstract Internal conflicts as simply like a “boy author thing” or “girl author thing” is like.. Tiring. Are we really not past that? (Of course not.) 

Like there’s some hidden truth to the way someone might write/draw, the way that “makes sense” in retrospect once the identity of the author is analyzed and discovered.. How can you make sense of the self, let alone the other .. and In a way that’s permanent? And gendered? Does art now have an inherent sex characteristic? But I cannot deny that I do want my art to look and feel like part of who I am, what I have chosen to sexually identify as - a transgender, a man, a faggot. I DO identify as a sexual deviant, but that is hilarious because I have been single for so long at this point I can’t even remember in a tangible way what that felt like and I question if I ever felt it or experienced it “for realsies” because of the experiences I have had or havent didn’t feel very fulfilling or romantic, despite that being something I desire so much - and so I feel like a failure. And to create art just based on the fantasy of desire rather than the lived reality, can it even really display what that would actually be like. So its embarrassing, right? 

I have worked on my art a lot and I have often thought, or come to the conclusion (true or not) that my singleness is the result of my pursuit and dedication to art - which is the pursuit of self isolation and protection from harm. From influence, from acknowledging that life can exist and someday end. And when you work on projects for years and years, the pride/shame dichotomy only gets more.. Weird. It gets weird, guys! It always was weird, but.. I just think about so many my heroes, my art inspirations, working decades on their art.. I follow in their footsteps too and it feels scarier and lonelier than I expected it to be. And the more and more I realized that as a reality, as my 20s faded away, the more I kept walking. I wasn’t gonna stop now, even if I could, I don’t want to and its not hard to do other things too. I have a slower pace than I used to (thank god) and gets slower but I’m still moving. 

I don’t post or write my little art journals as much as I used to. Mostly cause I don’t really have anything good to say and it kinda feels embarrassing to post them too LOL. But.. whatever!! Its been a weird four months of me being off work and I’m about to go back to being a normal working person again.. But its like, its weird to tell people about your art when they ask about what you do. Its like “oh yeah, i draw webcomics” and they wont get it, you’ll say - “yeah its 8,000 pages long” and they’ll say, “thats a lot!” and it is. They’re very nice about it, but there’s a lack of satisfaction there with what that means. I don’t expect it, that’d be dumb as hell. Its nice to take a break from it too, to discover other sides of myself I never let shine because i stayed indoors for a decade, but its a weird feeling too. Like, what will it mean in the end? I don’t really know. 

I don’t think I need “success” to feel like this was worth it, its not like a trophy is gonna come in the mail for the good workTM I’ve done - there is no closure to the work I make even when a story finishes. I have to keep going regardless of that, and its strange to know it won’t ever feel done. But I am so thirsty for that temporary itch to be scratched, it keeps me working every day for the “maybe” of what that might feel like. Kinda silly, really. Is it my “male” pride that demands recognition? Would respect be given more freely if I had “remained” to be perceived as a woman, for subverting the expectations for what a woman can/can’t write? (lol) Is my value as a person determined by that sort of thing in my art? I don’t think of my pride as gendered, but I know its there and I know because of who I say I am, my pride will be gendered by others. I think when I was a woman, that pissed me off more than now because.. Well.. I wasn’t even living as the way i wanted to. I still don’t really live as the way I want to, the way I want to be perceived, but even being on HRT for a little more than 1 year, without much else lifestyle changes, I feel a little more at peace not mattering what others will take away from me or what i write about. I have a lot of my own expectations for myself and what i write about and that concerns me far more. 

I don’t really know how else to end this, I’m going to eat chocolate now. Oh, to answer your question (?) if you might have this one: can I think of you as a male artist, kosmic? sure. I am one after all.

[maedaex2combo]

Y/N: Self-Insert yourself into the Homestuck Epilogues

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Pairings: Dirk Strider x Reader (Mostly platonic / One sided)

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, Angst, Homestuck Epilogues plot

Word Count: 10.4k

Summary: After not hearing from your best friend Dirk for a while, you decide to go check in on him. For some reason, you feel like this isn't going to be the same feels-jam talk you two normally have. The air is different. Something is happening.

A/N: Okay first off, please know that this story is based directly on the plot of the Homestuck Epilogues. It’s supposed to be right before the Candy/Meat timelines split and take place. I know it’s literally in the title, but just to be safe bc I know how some people feel about it. Secondly, I project a lot to write my fics so the backstory about Y/Ns feelings for Karkat and Dave are very self-indulged. Accidentally became kinda important to the plot. My bad. Thirdly, please forgive me if Dirk seems out of character at all. This is just how I felt he would’ve been before he became like the ultimate Dirk or whatever tf goes on in the epilogues 💀. Anyways. Again, tread lightly if heavy topics like suicide are triggering for you. It gets kind of intense. I just felt like this boy needed some comforting when I was reading all those chapters. OKAY IM DONE NOW. Enjoy!!!

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“DIRK!” your voice shouts pointlessly at the closed metal door in front of you, for the umpteenth time. You’re banging at the door unapologetically, like you have no shame, which you don’t at this point. Not when it came to your best friend, and trying to get him out of his self-inflicted depressive/dissociative episodes. 

This episode in particular had been especially hard to get him out of. Dirk had a habit of shutting his friends out when he got to feeling a certain way, and not even letting them in when they came to check on him in person. He seemed to have a soft spot for certain people, but even they couldn’t always get through to him. You included, as well as Jake, Jane, Roxy, and Dave. But, usually you were more invasive and better at tearing his walls down when he built them up. The amount of times you pried your way into listening to a Jake or self-villainizing related rant from Dirk, WILLINGLY, was impressive at this point. Lets be real, Dirk doesn’t open up about his feelings on the usual. All raw and feels-jam like, like your other friends do. 

In summary though, his little shut-in episodes did little to keep you out of his life.

However, he hasn’t been answering your messages for weeks, actually maybe a month now. You haven’t been good at keeping track at this point. He doesn’t ever ignore everyone for this long, especially you. Now that you’re here, and he’s not answering the door, it’s honestly starting to worry you. What could he be doing??? Is he even home? There’s no way he could be…..

Nah. 

He’s just in there being all dreary right now, you know it.

“DIRK OPEN THE DAMN DOOR OR ILL FIND A WAY IN. YOU KNOW I WILL!” You continue banging on heavy metal. You can hear it echo into the chamber behind it, assumingely empty unless Dirk is a literal fucking dickhead. Which he is. But you give him the benefit of the doubt. Looks like you’ll have to find a way in. 

This is really annoying. More than usual. Of course, you don’t ever mind putting this much effort into Dirk. He’s someone you care about very much, so this type of thing just works like clockwork for you. You have a desire to be there for Dirk in a way you feel he needs someone to be. It’s probably inconvenient for him most times, but you try to ignore that intrusive thought. 

Right now though, this is especially annoying because you’ve been trying to contact Dirk for weeks about your own personal issues. It’s always a back and forth of issue-sharing with you two, as friendships should be. But honestly, your life isn’t super eventful, not as much as Dirks somehow. So, you don’t usually have all that much to rant about. Now, the one time your life feels like it’s going to shit and you REALLY need him, he decides to swan dive straight into a pool of “fuck everyone, especially (y/n)” and dissolve into it like a damn spoonful of salt.

That analogy was awful, you can’t even come up with clever things anymore, your head is so disoriented. You launch up into the air with little to no grace at all, so fast that you forgot about the metal hood hovering over the front of the studio and smash your head right into it. Fucking OW. 

You’re silent for a moment, absorbing the pain like when you stub your toe and you just stand in shock for a minute straight. Then, after a due moment of silence, you let out a loud aggravated groan of pain and annoyance. 

“UUUUAGGHHHHUGHH!!!”

Yeah that’s basically how it would be spelt out, I guess. 

Using all the annoyed force your body can muster, god powers and all, you punch through the orange-tinted window in front of you. Not physically, with your hands, but with a sheer force wave of strength you just pushed out upon throwing your fists out and down in front of you as you yelled out. The window cracks and shatters, the whole action being very anime-like. 

Wow.

That was kinda a lot. Maybe chill out for a second? I mean, you’ve been known to do some pretty crazy and powerful stuff back in your Sburb days, fighting enemies and all. But there was no reason to unleash that on Dirks poor window. You know he’s gonna have to reinstall that now, and it probably won’t be of glass this time.

Nonetheless, you float inside, accidentally cutting yourself on a shard still intact in the window frame. You hiss a little at the cut, but it doesn’t stop you. You’re back to being set on finding Dirk. 

It doesn’t take long to find him, of course. You enter the largest room in his studio down on the first floor, down a long hallway, basically the center of his place. This is where he keeps most of his materials and works. It could basically be a big high-ceiling living room, and you’re pretty sure it was once decorated like one, but now it’s covered in metal, tools, junk, etc. You find him drilling away at whatever’s in front of him, back turned to you. 

You casually float down from the balcony above, most of the frantic anger from earlier out of your system now that you’ve found him. And he’s okay.

“Yo. Did you hear me banging at the door or are you deaf now?” You say, half joking, but also a little genuinely.

He doesn’t look at you when he responds, ever focused on his work. He stops drilling to be able to talk at normal volume, and to switch to another tool. “Of course I did. You’re quite loud, I don’t know if you noticed.” 

You roll your eyes. “Oh, okay. Just wanted to confirm you are as much of an asshole as I assumed you were.” You’re still hovering an inch above the ground as you glide over to face the front of him.

“Oh please, you’ve been very aware of my asshole-ness long before you even met me face to face.” 

You laugh a little at this. It’s true, in a way. Even before you knew this timelines version of Dirk, Dave would always rant to you about his Bro. So you assumed he would be an asshole way before you even really met who you’re looking at right now. 

“You’re right. But how do you know that by ‘assumed’, I meant that in recent tense and not one that dated back to my pre-teen years?” You shoot back.

You know he would usually like your comment, but he doesn’t laugh or react much at all.

You frown, because he’d normally have a witty comeback to a stupid question like that. But the conversation seems to have cut off there, when he doesn’t reply for a while and continues operating. It stays like this for a bit, slightly-uncomfortable silence as you stare down at him and he doesn’t look back. You finally slump down, into a criss-cross sitting position in front of him while he works. You stay this way, the only sound echoing the room being made from the burning metal, and you wait for him to be done with this piece before you nudge into his personal life. It’s the respectful thing to do, you know how serious he is about his mechanic works. Whatever he’s doing is probably of some type of importance.

You watch him carefully use a… a uh…. Damn what is that thing called? That little fire-like tool that’s used for welding? A welder? I don’t know and I can’t be fucked to search the internet for it. You know what I mean. He’s sweating just slightly on his freckle-spotted arms from the heat, and you try not to linger on his mussels for too long as you examine him right now. He’s wearing his wielding mask, unfortunately, so you can’t see his face. The eye part is shaped like his shades, and you can’t imagine how that’s practical at all. What a dork. But not like John Egbert adorable-like dork. Dirks a dork in a cool admirable way. It’s hard to explain. 

Another while goes by like this, shrouded in a more comfortable silence this time. You don’t look at him the entire time you wait, eventually you find yourself staring off into hallway behind him, chin in your hands. 

If you (the reader) haven’t picked it up by now, you obviously have a thing for Dirk. But you try not to acknowledge it most of the time, and you’re pretty sure no one knows about it. It kinda conflicts with your feelings you’ve had for Dave since you met him, and your feelings for Karkat you developed not long after spending time together on the meteor. It’d be weird to like Dave and his bro right? This bro, not his actual timeline bro obviously. Yeah, it’d be strange. You must have a thing for the Striders, you guess. But you try to push it into the back of your mind as often as possible. Dirks just your good friend, he’ll always be a friend to you. You want to be there for him because you care in a PLATONIC way. Of course. Even if you did acknowledge these feelings and act on them, he’d most definitely turn you down for various reasons. You know him too well. This is how the last 7 years have panned out, and it was only a few years ago that you even came to acknowledge your feelings that I just said we’re choosing not to acknowledge. 

Moving on.

“I’m assuming you broke one of my windows to get in. Do I have to go and fix that now?” He says, toneless. You cant even tell if he’s really upset.

“How’d you know?” You ask innocently.

“Aside from it being the most obvious way of breaking in besides picking my lock, which would be impossible. Remember when I said you’re loud?” 

You giggle a little. Yeah you guess theres no way he couldn’t have heard you, even though it was up on the second floor, down the hall. “Okay yeah, I totally busted your window, dude. Sorry about that. It was a mistake honestly, but you kinda deserved it for blatantly ignoring me!” 

“I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just busy.”

“Dirk. Busy with what? You haven’t answered me in like a month.” The conversation suddenly gets pretty confrontational without you meaning to make it so.

“I haven’t? Doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.” 

“Well it has.” You cross your arms, looking up at him “I really needed to talk to you! And I was really worried.” 

“Why would you be worried?” 

You frown at this, again. You’re not exactly sure what you were worried about. There were some specific worries that you wouldn’t say to him out loud, that come with having any friend as depressed as Dirk tends to be. They didn’t have to make sense, but they were always at the back of your mind.

“I don’t know. I just worry when you don’t answer for a while. You’ve never gone that long without texting me or calling me back.”

At this very real statement, Dirk doesn’t respond. He probably doesn’t know how to at first. Then, he pulls off his helmet, revealing his pretty face to you once again. You almost let out a sigh of relief. You just really love to look at this guy. His shades are on still, having worn them under the mask like a DORK. 

“Well, I’m totally fine so there’s nothing to worry about. Okay?” This is his best attempt at comforting you right now. You’re still not impressed. 

“I can see that now. But it would’ve been nice to know like a week or two ago.” You would look away to reinforce that you’re upset, but you can’t stop looking at him, while he’s assumingely making eye contact with you behind his shades. You’re trying your hardest to push back thoughts again.

He finally looks away and pushes himself up to stand, walking over to the pile of metal on the couch. “Hey don’t go getting all sentimental with me now. Starting to sound like Jake.” His voice feels off from how he normally talks, like he’s hollowly trying to say something he thinks he would say. “He’s actually been breathing down my neck all week, I’ve thought about blocking him at this point.”

You roll your eyes x2 combo. That last sentence definitely sounded like him, it’s one you’ve heard a million times. He never does it. This is good though, you can segway this into getting him to open up. 

“Jake, huh? You’re still talking to him? Didn’t you say you’d cut him off like- a million cut-offs ago?” 

“Yeah.” He picks the piece of metal up off the couch, knocking a few pieces next to it over onto the floor. “But I could never actually cut him off completely, you know that. With all the arrangements we have and whatever. I just meant for a little while so maybe I could get a fucking second to breathe.”

You nod. Fair enough, you guess. You still think it’s funny how much the tables have turned with them. Since Dirk used to tell you how he was the clingy one back when Sburb was still active. “How come he’s still bothering you so much? I thought he had gotten pretty distant from you in an attempt to get over you or something?” 

“I mean yeah he was like that, but lately our show’s been getting even more popular. Plus, with Jane’s upcoming announcement about the presidency, I’ve been trying to add more elements to amp up his popularity.”

You didn’t even think you could make Jake anymore popular than he already was on earth C, and you already knew of Janes presidency plan thing. Dirk told you a while ago, and you’ve tried so. SO hard not to tell Dave and Karkat yet, per Dirks request. “So why does this make him bother you more?”

“I made him pretty ambitious about the new season. He’s got all these ideas and plans he’s been shooting at me. Haven’t been responding obviously, which makes him bug me more.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you don’t talk to your friends for long periods of time, Dirk. The messages start to pile up. I wouldn’t call that ‘bugging’. He’s probably been messaging you a normal amount, and you’re just behind on responding.” 

“No no, you’re not friends with Jake like I am. Trust me. He has been giving an absolute fucking earful to me in text. Assuming there was an ear actually listening, and a mouth replying.”

“You’re not even reading the messages?”

“No.”

“What if it’s important?”

“I would know if it was anything that important, trust me.”

You sigh and lean back on your hands. Your arm stings a little and you suddenly remember the cut on your shoulder that you never tended to. Dirk didn’t even notice. Something inside you feels disappointed for some reason. “You’re really full of yourself, yknow that?”

“Yeah, I know.” His response is quick, without hesitation. You know he does. He self-loathes about it at least once every time you guys talk.

“I just wish you’d at least shoot me a text before you disappear for weeks being like ‘Hey! just so you know, I’m about to fuck off to not exist for a while! Don’t worry im not dead or anything!’”

“I’ll make sure to do that next time.” He says sarcastically, coming back over to where he was sitting to add the new piece of metal to his project. 

You groan, it almost feels like a growl. That makes you think about Jade. You groan again. “Can you just tell me what’s going on? This obviously isn’t like your other episodes which don’t really happen for more than maybe like a week at a time.” 

“We’re calling them ‘episodes’ now?” He asks, looking over at you, but still keeping his hands busy. You swear you can see him smirk a little. 

“Well, that’s what I call them. Sorry. That’s probably rude, I just don’t know how else to describe when you get like this.”

“Like what?”

“Reclusive? Distant? I’m assuming you haven’t been in contact with anyone this whole time.” 

“Yeah, I guess. It’s not a big deal though, you guys all have lives to be living, I don’t have to be out there all the time.”

“Out there? Dirk, sometimes I just want to talk to my friend. You can stay all shut in your studio, but the least you could do is answer me via text???” 

He’s back at work, mask down, attention to his project now. But you weren’t done yet.

“Dirk.”

He doesn’t answer. He’s avoiding the conversation so you don’t investigate further. Again, this is clockwork. 

“Dirk.” You insist again, standing up now. 

The cut on your shoulder is bleeding down the side of your arm now. “Can you please just tell me what’s wrong this time. Even if there’s nothing going on, you know that just talking it out DOES actually make you feel better. And I LIKE listening to you talk.”

He flinches a little at this, stoping his wielding for a second, but not any longer. He goes back to ignoring you.

You sigh. This is probably going to take a while. You start to walk down the hall towards the bathroom to find a bandaid and clean up the blood. 

When you’re far enough away, Dirk looks back in your direction, thinking that maybe you were leaving. A twinge of guilt flickers quickly in him, but he ignores it again and turns back to his project.

When you come back, you feel a bit refreshed. You had time to clear your head slightly. You decided that if he’s going to ignore you, you’re just going to wait until he HAS to talk to you. He can’t let it be silent forever, and you’re not leaving until he gets something out. Not like you’ve got anything better to do.

You move past him silently and over to what you’re pretty sure is a nice recliner chair, under all the cloth and metal. You start taking the metal off and placing it aside. This catches his attention, and he almost asks what the hell you’re doing, until he realizes what the hell you’re doing, and decides it’s not worth starting up a conversation again. 

Once all the metals shards are off the chair, you dust it off with your hands and take a seat. You just stare at him for a bit. When that soon gets boring, you lean back into the chair with a sigh, closing your eyes. Maybe you’ll take a nap.

It’s silent (aside from the wielding) for so long that you really do start falling into sleep. The sounds of him working were lulling you into relaxation for some odd reason. You can feel your consciousness just about to be pulled from under you when-

“So… what was it you needed to talk to me about?” Dirk asks from across the room. You hadn’t noticed he stopped working for a bit. The sound of his voice snapped your eyes open for a moment, but when you see he’s not even looking at you, you go right back to closing them.

“I just needed to rant about some stuff, maybe get some advice. But I don’t really think I should be having that conversation with you right now. It seems like you probably got your own stuff to sort out.” 

Dirk shrugs, but you can’t see anyways. “Not really. I mean, kind of. But you came here to see me, you might as well tell me instead of leaving this awkward silence while I work.” 

“I didn’t think it was awkward. But I didn’t come here to rant to you, I came here because I was worried.”

“Okay, sure, whatever. But you might as well tell me now that you’re here. I don’t mind.” 

You sigh. Should you really start this conversation? Would it be selfish to dump all your bullshit on your friend when he’s clearly going through it, even though he won’t talk about it? But he is asking for it at this point. You didn’t even bring it up. 

“Well?” He’s looking over at you when you open your eyes again. How long has he been looking?

You sigh again. “Alright… I’ll try not to drag it out too much.”

“Are you sure you’re capable of that type of self control?” He asks sarcastically.

“Oh, shut up.” you say, but you’re smiling. This man and his smartass. “Alright, well-“ 

And your rant begins. I’ll explain what the rant is about because I don’t want to have to type ours and dirks every action out throughout the whole length of this long conversation. You can just assume he’s listening intently, because he is, for the most part.

Overall, life on Earth C hasn’t really been all that great for anyone as of lately, that’s a given. It’s perfect here, sure, but perfect can only be perfect for so long, before it gets extremely boring. This is amplified x1000000 when you add in the fact that most of you are immortal. Forever is a long long time. However, on a more personal level, there’s a lot going on.

First of all, you’ve lived with Dave and Karkat since you got here. The three of you were best buddies on the meteor together, and decided to stick together after, even despite plenty of money to get your own places. You feel you kind of dug yourself into a hole with this one. Because while living with your best friends is so fun, you’re also not an idiot. You and everyone else on the planet can see the thing Karkat and Dave have for each other. And the fact that you have a crush on both of them, makes this not only awkward, but also painful. This whole situation isn’t new though. In fact, Dirks heard an earful about it for several years. The first year or so of living with them was great, then it backfired. You took it upon yourself to go on a lot of trips, some with Jade and Jake, some alone. You started getting into pottery and went around selling pieces, random art experiments. You tried to convince your two antisocial roomates to go sometimes, but you’re kinda glad they didn’t. You probably needed the distance. Eventually you moved out, only about a little over a year ago. You felt almost guilty, like your presence was keeping the two of them from being together (That definitely wasn’t it though, as Dirk reassures you. They’re both just dense and stubborn.) 

For the past year you’ve struggled with separation issues. Everyone knows you always liked to be with someone all the time. Though your trips alone were freeing and refreshing, you enjoyed the feeling of coming home to someone, or two someones. It hurt, spending the nights in your big empty home, lovely as it was. You had people over plenty, but it was always the nighttime when everyone left that got to you. You developed insomnia, dark circles under your eyes that won’t go away. This isn’t really new news either, but newer than the last. 

The CURRENT issue at hand, now that we have background story, is where Jade comes into the mix. Jade is a lovely girl, and you love her to death. The two of you hang out on many occasions, though you may not be as close with her as with others. You enjoyed her energy and attitude, it was contagious. But lately, she’s been… putting herself very closely into Dave and Karkats lives. Not that she wasn’t already around them a lot, she definitely was over pretty often. But it seems like ever since you left, she’s been there basically 24/7, like she lives there now. Not only that, but the boys have told you how she’s been making uncomfortable advances towards them, and isn’t hiding how she would like to be with the both of them seriously. Now… it’s not necessarily that you’re jealous. (Dirk gets a kick out at this. And by a kick I mean letting out a snort and ALMOST breaking into a chuckle, to your momentary annoyance.) But it’s especially frustrating for many reasons. Putting aside the obvious reason that you have the same feelings for them as she does. She’s basically ruining everything you gave up to try and help DaveKat happen. You moved yourself out of the equation to make room for maybe some progress, and she moved right in after you. They both love Jade as a friend, but you can tell that her advances make them uneasy just from the couple times you’ve witnessed it. You’re afraid she’ll ruin it for them. 

“So, you’re definitely not jealous?” Dirk asks, obviously being sarcastic. 

“Of course I am. I won’t deny it. I’m just saying it’s not the ONLY reason I’m upset about it.” You respond defensively.

“Okay. I mean, that makes sense. But I think you’re mostly just upset with yourself.”

You’re open your mouth to retort, but you stay quiet for a moment. “…You think?”

“Yeah. To me, it sounds like you’re mad at yourself because leaving them caused you to self sabotage into a life you’re not satisfied with. And now Jade is over there going after what she wants and you’re upset you couldn’t bring yourself to do the same.”

You’re a little offended by the accuracy of his blunt words. There are some things you need to defend though. “Okay well, maybe you’re somewhat right-“

“Somewhat?”

“-BUT, I only didn’t go for it because I knew they didn’t feel the same, and I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship. Or worse, their relationship.”

“How do you know they didn’t feel the same?”

……

How did you know?

“Well… I just thought it was pretty obvious. They just don’t act with me how they act with each other. You can just like… feel the different energy, I guess.” 

“But how would you know for sure if you never even went for it?”

Silence again. 

“…I don’t know…” you shuffle awkwardly in the chair, looking down at your lap and playing with your hands. “…So you think I should’ve done what Jade is doing?”

“Oh, definitely not.” He responds almost immediately. “She’s definitely gonna fuck their shit up.”

Your head shoots up at this, shocked. “WHAT?! But you were just saying that I should have gone for it!”

“Yes. But honestly I think you would have gone about it in a less uncomfortable way. And even if they did turn you down, or like- weirdly wiggle out of the situation like they do. Then at least you’d have a straight answer. But you didn’t ever bother trying at all.”

“I-“

“-AND furthermore, I think that if you had gotten a straight answer, it would’ve given you the closure you need, and you wouldn’t have to keep trying like Jade seems to be set on doing.”

It hits you now. You don’t know why you’ve never thought about it like this. You always just assumed their feelings. Even if you had confessed to them one time, you could’ve gotten that closure you didn’t realize you needed. Now it’s too late. They’ve already got too much tension on their relationship, adding you in the mix would be chaos. This is suddenly very troubling, you’re starting to get into a depressed state of mind again. The one you’ve been stuck in for weeks, as well as Dirk probably has for reasons still unknown. 

“I….” You relax your hands in your lap, and lean back to look up at the ceiling. “You’re right. I should have at least tried.”

“Didn’t I tell you to a ton of times before? I always thought that a sincere heartfelt confession from you might actually help push their relationship forward, even if they didn’t reciprocate.” 

“Yeah… I just never wanted to. I was so sure they’d be repulsed at the idea.”

“Ouch. Repulsed? That’s a new word for the situation.”

“Yeah, I guess I always felt like that deep down though. I mean, Karkats super harsh and distant. And Dave’s super aloof and distant. So, being vulnerable about your feelings for them just feels… extra vulnerable.”

“Yeah. It definitely wouldn’t be an easy relationship to navigate. Honestly maybe you did yourself a favor.”

You sigh at this. It certainly doesn’t feel that way. 

It goes silent again for a little bit, but this time neither of you find any discomfort in it. Dirks been working still, but doing something more quiet now. Connecting wires or something probably. You’re not really sure what it is he does. 

You remember something he said to you several sentences ago.

“Also… earlier you said… that I caused a life that I’m unhappy with…” you speak, sounding more dejected that you have today.

“Mhm.”

“Well. I don’t think that’s true.”

“No?”

“No, not really. I mean, yeah it definitely caused me some additional problems, sure. But Dirk…” you look down to make eye contact with him. He stops to look back at you, from behind the shades. He’s resting his arms on his knees, face stoic, fully listening. 

“I don’t think… I’ve been happy with my life.. in a long time.”

The sentence hits Dirk harder than maybe it should’ve normally, almost as if breaking something down. His face finally changes, from just being a stone-cold expression, to a slight frown, his features relaxed. It’s not an expression of pity, really. He’s sympathizing. 

Most everyone of the sburb kids probably feel this way. Things are just not as great as you might have though they’d be at the beginning of starting an entirely new universe. There’s just this terrible lingering empty feeling, that no one really talks about out loud. But it feels different hearing it from you. You always tried to be a little optimistic. You’ve been unhappy many times, that’s just normal human emotions. But you’ve never expressed being unhappy… with your life as a whole? Or accidentally admitted that you’re also depressed. 

The confession hits you hard as well for some reason, even though you’ve known it as a fact for quite some time. You’ve never outwardly admitted it. Suddenly you’re feeling warm wet tears run down the sides of your cheeks. They surprise you. When did you start tearing up?

Now they won’t stop, despite your frantic hands that try to wipe each one away. 

“Sorry… I… didn’t meant to get so emotional all of a sudden! Haha..” you’re sniffling a bit between your words, and trying to force a smile to make things less serious. Dirk just stares at you as you try to pull yourself together. “I just can’t help.. but think like… wow! I’m really going to live… potentially forever… and I’m not even enjoying the beginning… what’s 50 years from now gonna feel like? What’s 500 years gonna feel like? Will I even be me anymore at that point?” You’re just rambling now. You’ve went so quick from a normal rant-sesh to such a wet sloppy mess (ew). You’re no doubt embarrassed, and trying to talk in a casual manner that will maybe make you forget that you’re sobbing in front of your cool best friend or maybe crush, while he stares at you uncomfortably. Why did you even think coming here was a good idea? You’re in no place to help him. You just needed him to help you. You are selfish.

“Im- Im sorry, I’ll stop.. just give me a sec-“ you’re cut off suddenly. A distantly familiar feeling. You’re quick to go from feeling alone and pathetic, to warm and secure, as you’re pulled into an embrace with Dirk Strider. These hugs are not something you get to feel often. You didn’t even hear him walk over. 

You’re pulled out of your intrusive thoughts immediately. You feel safe, and comforted. In a way only he’s ever been able to make you feel. Despite all the bickering, and smart ass comments, you really loved Dirk. He always knew how to talk to you and handle you, with just enough care, even though sometimes you craved more. (Give a dog a bone, right?) But not because of the hug alone, no. It’s what’s about to come after this. This is it. The clock is moving, it’s in motion.

He pulls back only after he’s felt you settle down and go quiet. “I know how you feel. You’re not alone, you know that.” 

You nod, too flustered to look him in the face, so you look to the side, staring at his funny little shoulder tattoo. “I feel guilty about it though. Earth C is so perfect. I should be really happy, shouldn’t I?” 

“Nah. Nothing is ever perfect. Even though we literally created Earth C, I wouldn’t call it perfect. In fact, we’re probably about to get so fucking far from it.” 

You look at him and tilt your head. “What do you mean?” 

He pulls back again, standing up, turning to grab a chair sitting in the corner of the room. He carries it back over and sets it down in front of you, your eyes follow him the whole time. He sits on it the opposite way you’re supposed to, legs around the back of the chair, resting his arms on the top. The way a cool guy sits. You look at him, attentive. Ready for him to lay it on you. 

“I just seriously doubt that anything that’s about to happen will turn out very good. Our years for living a ‘normal’ life are already pretty much past at this point.” 

Okay, now you’re really confused. “Dirk you’re not making any sense. What’s going to happen that’s so bad?” 

He looks at you for a moment. He definitely isn’t intending on sharing with you any information of any importance, but you don’t know that. 

“I don’t know yet. John has to make a decision first.” He says nonchalantly, looking more stoic than usual.

You don’t respond, waiting for something else. But that’s it.

You can’t help it, you start laughing. What could that possibly mean?

“John makes a decision?? That’s it? What’s the choice? To nuke or not to nuke the planet??” You’re still giggling at this thought, though kinda morbid. 

Dirk isn’t laughing. “Ha ha. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s hard to explain. But the jist of what I was saying before, is it’s just that none of us are really meant to live a normal life on Earth C. Think about it. A bunch of immortal gods, of totally different upbringings and outlooks, and even species, all living on one little planet. We’re bound to fuck shit up one day.”

You’ve stopped laughing now and take a second to think about this. You’ve never really considered it. “Yeah… I guess now that you say it, that sounds kinda bad. We could’ve done with a few more planets in the system honestly.” 

“No, it’s not about the number of planets. Even if we all had our own planets, we’d end up going to war and shit with each other one day. We’re just not meant to lead normal lives.”

You frown at this. Why would friends go to war with each other? Granted, not everyone was super close, but we all fought to make this universe, why would we tear it apart? 

“I think you’re oversimplifying it. Not all of us want to be dictators.” You roll your eyes and cross your arms. You definitely aren’t happy about Janes plans, Dirk knows this.

“You subtly talking about why you don’t like Jane and the way she wants to lead just proves my point. And anyways, It doesn’t matter. We don’t have a choice in what we are. And what we are, is gods. We’ll have to ascend one day.” You search for a hint of irony in Dirks face, but he’s dead serious. Wow.

“Ascend??? Dirk what the hell are you talking about?”

It’s quiet for a moment. Dirk catches himself about to tell you too much about what has been fucking his brain for months, or more like years at this point. You can tell his silence is a troubled one. 

You reach out a concerned hand to place on his arm. He flinches a little. “Dirk… please tell me what’s going on. What are you talking about?” 

He can’t look at you. His head stays in place, but he’s avoiding eye contact even though you can’t tell. There’s a lot of thoughts going through his mind right now. Not all of them are about his ultimate self that is inevitably going to take over one day. Some are about you. And about the outcome of this timeline. For a moment he feels sympathy for all his friends. But there’s not much else I can tell you about what he’s thinking. Not now.

“I just… don’t know how much time I have left.” He says, still having not moved, but his eyes watch the clock behind you.

“How much… What? Dirk… Are you sick or something?” You are rapidly trying to understand his cryptic way of explaining to you, but it seems you’re falling short. 

“Not physically.” He pauses and actually lets out a slight chuckle, putting his gloved hand on his mouth. You bask in his slight-laugh, he’s really so charming. More than he could know. “God that sounded so emo.” 

“Dude, I don’t sound any better. We’re both being emo, it’s fine.” You smile back at him, removing your hand from his arm. You feel a bit of tension leave your body that you didn’t notice was there, the sound of his laugh ever like a cure to your stress. 

He nods. There’s just so much he can’t tell you, you wouldn’t be able to understand. And he didn’t want you to either. He didn’t want to put that burden on you. There was only one person he could give that burden to, and he still wasn’t sure when he’d have to tell her. 

But there were some feelings he knew he could vaguely talk to you about.

“But no, I’m fine physically. It’s just… I don’t know. I guess I’ve been having the same thoughts you have. How long can this all really last? Who will I be hundreds of years from now? What if I don’t even recognize myself anymore?” He pauses for a moment, and you watch him frown as he thinks of something. “I definitely won’t.”

You don’t dare interrupt. You just sit and listen, attentive, the best you can. When Dirk starts opening up, you hardly say a word until he’s finished. 

He goes on about how he’s been feeling especially useless and exhausted lately. Talking vaguely about his potential and his purpose, and that right now just felt like a stagnant period while he waits. But what if he doesn’t want to have some greater purpose, or some ultimate potential destiny? He’s always just wanted to be able to live a happy, normal life with his friends. He didn’t get to grow up with other people and have relationships. Getting here to figure out that he really never would get that normalcy, sucked the hope out of him. At least, maybe he could’ve got a while if he had made the most of the last seven years. He can’t even say they flew by, they dragged by painfully. He says he’s always just felt like he’s been watching his friends live through a window, communicating behind the glass, but not actively joining them. 

You soak in every word like you’ll need to know it for a test. You nod every now and then, and quietly “mhm”, to show you’re listening. You can feel he’s still not done yet. 

“I mean honestly (y/n), what’s even the point of it all? You feel it too right? There’s no way we’re headed toward a future that’ll be of any real purpose.”

You decide to finally speak up since he addressed you. “Are you saying we’re in a doomed timeline?” You ask, enabling him to explain more.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I’m not even sure doomed timelines are possible anymore, they’re just… timelines. But we’re definitely not going to be living happily ever fucking after.” 

You’re giving him that sympathetic look now, but he reads it as pity. His head reflectively looks away. He’s starting to get aggravated. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I don’t even want to go through with this anymore. I just wish it’d all end.” 

Woah. You’re eyes widen a little at what he’s implying. “Dirk… don’t say that-“ 

“What’s even shittier about this whole thing is the fact that even if I really wanted to end it, I couldn’t. None of us could. Except maybe the trolls. We have to wait for something just or heroic to happen and decide our fate for us. We’re stuck to live in some shithole timeline with no way out. I have no choice. I either subject to being a depressed shut-in, or leave my humanity behind to pursue something above this existence. How pathetic is that?” 

You’re not sure exactly what he’s going on about, but your instinct immediately is to comfort him. You take his hand. He doesn’t flinch this time, but he doesn’t look at you either. 

“Hey, just calm down for a second, okay? I promise you it doesn’t have to be like that… I don’t know what’s due for this timeline, and I’m not sure if you do… If Rose told your something or.. I don’t know. But I always know that whatever life throws at me I’ll…” you hesitate to say the rest of the sentence. It’s a little cheesy, it almost makes you cringe for a second. But then he looks at you, clearly anticipating the rest of your sentence. You push through. “I’ll know I’ll be able to get through it, because you’ll be here.” 

He’s doesn’t say anything, but his eyes are wider now. He has no idea what to say at this intimate sentence. The two of you have been close for a while now, but you never really express it verbally. You just enjoyed each other without having to say it usually. The lack of response eats at you, you have to say something else since he clearly can’t think of what to say to that. You let go of his hand too, thinking maybe it’s making him uncomfortable. 

But he watches your hand as you pull it away. 

“And I’ll always be here for you! I’ll always be here to help you. I mean… if you ‘left’ in whatever way that means I’d…” You play with your hands again, the both of you staring at them, thumbs in a tug of war. “Just… please don’t leave, okay?” 

You both look up at the same time to make eye contact, but it’s obviously more intense for him. He can’t promise you that. He’s told you he won’t already, but you refuse to understand him.  

You’re both quiet, and you anxiously bite your lip again at his lack of a reply. Why isn’t he agreeing? 

“(Y/n)… have you ever thought about trying to take your own life? Just to see what happens?” The sudden dark inquiry sends your heart into your stomach. Why is he saying this? Your face looks terrified, but he doesn’t say anything, still looking. 

“Dirk.. W-what are you say-“

“Have you?”

You swallow hard. This is something you REALLY don’t like to talk or think about. It’s something you’ve never spoken to anyone about. 

But the answer is yes. Of course. You think about it a lot recently. It started when you started living alone. Those restless nights, wondering what the meaning of it all was. You wondered if maybe the clock of justice would consider the theft of your own lifespan a worthy enough cause. Why would a godtier with no will to live be worthy of such a title? It wouldn’t even makes sense, like more of a punishment than a reward. In a sense, you killed yourself to get this title. Why couldn’t you do the same to remove it? 

Maybe you could. 

You’ve been quiet a suspicious amount of time now. It tells Dirk his answer, but he still waits for you to admit it. His social cues are still really not the best sometimes, even after getting used to social interaction. You’re clearly uncomfortable.

You’re looking at your lap again, but your hands are still. You’re too deep in traumatic thought to even want to move. “…Of course I have.” Is all you say after a while.

“Have you tried?” 

His question sounds genuine. Actually curious. 

“No. I wouldn’t dare. What if…”

“It worked?”

“…Yeah…” 

“Then it’d finally be over.” 

When you look up, he’s still staring at you. You’re still scared, your heart breaking more with every word he says, but he seems calm now. As if he’s decided something in his mind. The more the clock ticks, the more anxious you get. What is he thinking?

You’re just about to speak up again, try to say something to calm the conversation, or just to change it to something less triggering. But he suddenly stands up. You look up at him, face getting more worried. 

“Dirk?”

He’s not looking at you anymore. And without a word, he turns around and begins to walk away. 

“Dirk?? Where are you going?!” You automatically stand up when he just continues to get farther away, turning to go down the hallway.

You follow him, quickly.

“Hey! Wait! You can’t just leave the conversation like that!”

You watch him turn into the bathroom, and shut the door before you can get to it. You jiggle the doorknob, but of course it’s locked. You’re panicking a bit now. This panic causes you to bang on the door without thinking, feeling a bit helpless. 

“Dirk!!! What are you doing in there?! Please just wait a se-“

“Relax.” You hear him calmly through the door. You silence immediately hearing his voice. “I’m just using the bathroom.” 

Your face automatically turns a slight pink. All of the panic and anxiety turns into embarrassment in the blink of an eye. You must’ve been overreacting. You do that sometimes. 

“O-oh….. Okay. Sorry… I’ll leave you alone then.” You’re cursing yourself in your mind as you start making your way back down the hall. 

Halfway through though, you stop suddenly. Taking a second to think about what just happened, to see if you were really overreacting. You come to the conclusion that you definitely weren’t, now that the embarrassment has subsided. Why would he just suddenly lock himself in the bathroom after your intense discussion about suicide? That is definitely concerning! 

You feel better having justified yourself. You then come to the rational decision that you’d give him 5 minutes and then check on him. Hopefully you’re jumping to conclusions, and he’s just really bad at ending conversations like usual. You take a direct turn into the kitchen that was right next to you. You flip the light switch on and take a seat at the table. What an exhausting conversation you just had. That was not how you were expecting that to go at all.

You look around. The kitchen isn’t excused from having a bunch of junk in it. There’s spare parts and random doodads laying all over the place. Wow, did you just think the word “doodad”? Who are you, Jake? Sometimes being here alone with him made you feel like it. Like Jakes replacement.

You decide you’re just gonna tuck that repressed thought back deep into your brain. That’s not even possible, you and Dirk aren’t even… I mean he would never… Wait didn’t he just tell you earlier that you shouldn’t assum…. OKAY THATS ENOUGH. 

The clock ticks by with the speed of a damn snail. You’re just sitting there watching it. You don’t even have the energy to check your phone to distract yourself. One minute has gone by and you’re waiting on the second. You’re also listening intently for any concerning noises, but you’re pretty sure the walls in this place are very thick. You couldn’t hear him drilling or anything from outside earlier, and the hallway isn’t that long.

You’re staring at a piece of hair in your face, blowing it up and watching it fall back down, passing the time. Three minutes now. Your stomach grumbles, and you decide to check Dirks fridge for inventory. When you open it up, it’s literally just like 10 half gallons of milk(?). This is clearly equisprites doing, but what has Dirk been eating??? Does he ever go out for food? Does he alchemize it? Who knows. You sigh and sit back down. 

Just as you’re counting down the last minute, you hear the bathroom door open and you look over to the doorway. After a few steps Dirks frame passes right by without glancing at you, even though it was obvious you were in there with the light being on. You sigh x2 combo and stand up from the table, walking out and back into the hallway to follow him. 

He’s sitting back on his bench in the living room, working again. You watch him, about 6 feet away. You don’t even know what to say, and you take your time trying to think of something. 

“Are you… okay?” Is all you could come up with. 

There’s no response. You can see he’s assembling his drill with a different top. He’s gonna drown you out. 

“Dirk. It’s alright if you don’t wanna talk about it anymore. You can just-“ the drilling starts “-… say that.”

You look dejected. It’s a sad scene honestly, if you could see it like I am in my mind right now, and I hope you are. 

He’s never been this distant before, especially not after opening up so deeply like that. His feelings were like a one way ticket each time, once you’re in, you’re in. But he’s forced you out after already letting you in. It didn’t make any sense. You look at the clock on the wall. It stopped working. When did that happen? 

“Is there anything I can do to get you to talk to me?” You ask as a last resort.

Unsurprisingly, no answer. You give up. Quite frankly, that whole conversation tired you out too, emotionally. If he doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore, that’s fine by you. 

“Do you mind if I stay over at least? Is the guest room still open?” You ask, expecting an answer, since it’s unrelated.

However, still no answer. You don’t know why you thought you’d get one that time. You decide to just take his silence as a yes. You’ve stayed over his house plenty of times before. A lot of the time when you guys would hang out, you’d talk or do something into late hours of the night, and not realize how late it’d gotten. The guest room might as well be yours at this point, since you’re pretty sure no one else ever stays over. Other than Jake, but he’ll just sleep in Dirks room. Obviously. And Dave has his own room here for some reason. 

You take yourself up the stairs, and you gaze at him for a minute from the rail before you make your way to the room. This whole day has made you sadder than you already were, you think.

When you’re in the room, you don’t even take in the interior. You’ve seen it a million times. It’s just a bunch of subtle weeb decor. Annoyingly aesthetic. You faceplant onto the bed and kick your shoes off. It’s not even that late, but you’re so exhausted from that interaction and from not getting much sleep the night before. Insomnias been hitting you hard lately since you didn’t have Dirk. It’s been especially lonely. Somehow being in Dirks house lulls you right to sleep immediately.

You sleep like a baby. A full 8 hours, something you haven’t had in a while. When your eyes flutter open it’s pitch black, only the light of the bedside clock glaring at you. 2:00am. Wow, it’s early. Or late, you guess?

You don’t know what to do since you feel so awake now. You could probably sleep a little more? You decide you wouldn’t mind some milk right now before you go back to bed. Assuming the white fridge liquid is milk. You’ll take your chances.

You make your way down the stairs, and as you’re descending you start to remember todays conversation. You cringe a bit. The whole thing was so emo and embarrassing on both of your parts. You’re pretty sure you made him uncomfortable towards the end and that’s probably what scared him-

Suddenly your thoughts are cut off. You hear… A voice. Dirk? It was only quick, but you see a small light from the hallway leading to the kitchen. You follow it quietly, curious. 

When you see him, you freeze at the sight.

He’s leaning over the kitchen sink, head hanging. He’s facing away from you, and you’re kind of hiding in the doorway anyways. The ambiance is coming from a small nightlight over the counter. You wish you could see his face. You hear a quick sniffle.

You’re deciding whether to say something or walk away. It seems like he’d want to be alone right now. Or does he need someone more than ever? He’s been so hard to read. You always think you interfere too much with him, but you can’t help it. Then, you hear him let out a small, quick sob. Probably the source of what you heard earlier. He sounds like he’s trying to hold it in, even though there’s no one around from his perspective. Your heart breaks. You have basically no control over what you do next. 

Suddenly, Dirk feels a pair of arms wrap around his abdomen, a warm body leaning into his back, embracing him. He jumps slightly at first, but relaxes into it after a minute. He’s silent now. No sniffling, no sobs. 

“I’m sorry.” Is all you say once you feel him relax. 

It’s silent again. All you can hear is the clock behind you. 

“You don’t have to respond, I just can’t stand to-“ 

“I tried it.” He says, cutting you off. He sounds defeated.

Your eyes widen a little. “You tried…”

“To kill myself. Earlier.” He states way too bluntly.

Your heart sinks. “Oh…” 

Silence. 

“It didn’t work.”

“Well, I can see that.” 

“Because I couldn’t actually do it.”

You pause for a moment.

“Huh?”

“I couldn’t really go through with it a hundred percent… I have to see this timeline through. It’s my burden to bear.” He grits his teeth and grips the sink. You feel his tensing.

“I’m sorry, Dirk.” It’s all you can think of to say. You don’t want to bother asking him to clarify anymore. You have no idea what he’s going through or what to suggest. This is all you know. You hold him tighter, and nuzzle a little bit more into his back.

He relaxes again, to your surprise. And he lets go of the sink with one hand to place it on your arm. You can’t see his face right now, and you wish you could. The two of you stay like that a little longer. After a minute or two you can feel him crying again. 

You’re sure it’s hard for him. Not just what he’s going though, but being vulnerable about it. 

Suddenly, you feel yourself start to tear up too. The two of you share a cry almost silently, not having to see each other in this emotional state, but still holding on and having someone there. 

“I promise it’ll be okay.” You say, breaking the silence. “Whatever you’re going through, we’ll go through it together. I’m a god tier too. I promise I’ll be here for you.”

It honestly feels like this made him cry a little harder as you feel him shake a little more. 

He raises his hands up to his face to wipe away any evidence of emotion under his shades. Then, to your surprise again, he breaks out of your embrace, only to turn around and embrace you again straight on.

You’re surprised for a moment, but when it settles in, you hug him back with all you have. And maybe it’s just you, but no hug between you two has ever felt this… passionate?

“Sorry I’m being like this. It’s just been hard. I’ve never been this emotional about it, even though I’ve known it for so long. I think it’s because it’s getting closer. And because you’re here. Probably why I’ve also been ignoring everyone.” He confesses. “So there’s your answer. I just didn’t want you to see me like this. I’m sorry, again.”

Again, you have no idea exactly what he’s talking about, and you make a mental note to maybe ask about it again another time when you’re both more stable. But you’re just committed to comforting him to your best ability right now.

“You don’t have to apologize, Dirk. You can tell me anything, seriously. I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do to help you. I wish I could.”

You feel him sigh slightly, but it seems more like relief than frustration or anything negative. 

“You should really get some sleep. Have you been up this whole time?” You say, changing the subject in concern for his wellbeing. You wonder what his nights have been like all this time you haven’t been talking. 

“Yeah. But I’m fine. I don’t really have a sleep schedule anymore.”

“Well, looks like we’re starting now then. Cmon.”

He doesn’t complain or object when you pull back and take his hand to walk out into the hallway. The two of you make your way upstairs and into Dirks room. He doesn’t say anything, and you couldn’t possibly know what he’s thinking right now. About you. 

You stop right after walking in the doorway and let go of his hand.

“Well, goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning, kay?” You say, giving him as much of a genuine smile as you can manage. You start walking past him to leave.

But then his hand grabs yours, stopping you. You freeze for a second, and turn to look at your friend again.

Your eyes widen at the sight when your eyes meet his. He had pulled his shades up to sit on his head, and for the first time you see his eyes, along with the rest of his face. Granted, it’s pretty dark so you can’t see the color well, but you can’t help but think they’re beautiful, just like the rest of him. His face also just reads ‘exhausted’, and tired from all the crying and emotion showed in the last however many hours. The two of you are quiet, staring at each other like this for a moment. 

“Would you… wanna stay?” He says, not breaking eye contact, but still seeming slightly unsure about it? 

“Stay… like, stay over? Yeah.. I-I was just gonna go to the guest r-“

“No. I meant in here.”

You’re blushing now. Good thing it’s dark, you guess. “In… your room?”

“Yeah.”

“In your bed?”

“Mhm.”

He seems much less embarrassed by this than you, of course. You’re extremely flustered now that you’ve made sure he meant what you think he meant. Wait… does that mean he wants to sleep with you or like SLEEP with you??? Oh god-

“Not anything weird. I just mean like, we can sleep in the same bed.” He says, almost like he read your mind. “It just feels like we both kinda need some comfort right now. And it feels weird to have you sleep in a different room after… Yknow everything that just happened. You don’t have to, if you’re not comfortable with it.”

“No!” You say, embarrassingly fast. You clear your throat a bit, not making it any better. He smirks at you slightly, tilting his head. Lord have mercy. “I mean… That actually sounds nice, yeah.”

He smiles in response, and you bask in the sight. Dirk Strider smiling at you, fully exposed so you can see all his beautiful features at once. You’re actually really happy right now. You haven’t felt this happy in a while. Which is kinda ironic after todays conversations. Why does he feel like a cure to your pain every time?

With his hand still holding onto yours, he guides you over to the bed. He puts his shades on the bedside table. When you both lay down and get under the covers, he turns to face you. Your heart is pounding like a million times per second right now as you turn to look back at him.

“You’re blushing pretty hard right now. You okay?” He says, and you can definitely see that slight little shit-eating smirk. He’s really gonna tease you right now. How could he even tell you’re blushing?

“Shut up! I’m fine… You just caught me off guard..” You defend.

“What? Did you think I wanted to have sex?” You would think he’s teasing since he’s still smirking, but it also sounds kind of like a genuine question.

Hearing him say it out loud while looking at you with those intense eyes makes you blush harder, like your face is actively working against you. “NO! Well… I mean I wasn’t sure.” You have to look away for a second. “And sleeping in the same bed just feels intimate in its own way, even without sex.” 

He nods understandingly. “Yeah, you’re right, this is pretty intimate I guess.” It’s silent for a moment then. “…But …I don’t know. It just feels right after everything that happened today.” He looks away now, facing the ceiling. 

This grants you to look back at him. You take in his beauty, the moonlight from the window being the only luminescence to light the scene. Even the curve of his nose looks perfect, making an impressive outline of his side profile. You just can’t stress to yourself enough how you love seeing him like this. You wish you could do it everyday. You’re smiling without realizing it. 

“You can take a picture if you want, it’ll last longer.” He says, glancing at you while keeping his head in place.

You blush again and shove at him lightly. “Fuck you!” You say, but you laugh afterwards. He smiles in response. If only you could stay this way forever. 

You turn to face the ceiling as well. After that, it feels like it’s the end of your conversation, and you both start trying to fall asleep. You’re laying there for so long trying to sleep, you can’t remember how long it’s been. You did get a lot of sleep earlier so it makes sense that it’s a little hard now, plus being in bed with Dirk isn’t helping. Your heart is still kinda racing. 

What happens next almost gives you a heart attack. You feel Dirk snag his arms around your torso, his face leaning into your arm. You’re frozen, and you’re not sure if he’s sleeping or not, so you don’t say anything.

As if he feels your discomfort, he speaks, in a low tone “Sorry. Is this okay?”

“Mhm…” you respond quietly, and carefully move your arm up and put it over him, and he automatically leans into your side now.

Now it’s really hard to sleep, so you just open your eyes. You look down at him and take in the rare and perfect sight of Dirk Strider sleeping. He looks so peaceful. Unbothered, undisturbed by Earth C and all your stupid post-Sburb problems. You wish you could make it all go away for him. 

You start to run your hands though his hair softly, and he hums slightly in response. Still slightly awake, but you can tell he’s on his way out. You smile at how natural this feels now. 

You finally feel yourself start to fall asleep as well. 

“I think I’ll stay here for a while.” You say quietly, but Dirk is already sleeping. And you follow suit with him again as soon as you say that. 

The two of you stay intertwined for the rest of the night. 

END

[wrongcaitlyn]

this is completely self-indulgent, but i was thinking about apollos career before him disappearing and stuff and now i cant stop imagining apollo in a similar situation to Jeremy Jordan with the greatest showman. i know you are not that into musicals so long story short, jeremy jordan (who is like a big deal on musical theater) was supposed to play phillip on the greatest showman but ended up being replaced by zac efron even though he (jeremy) kind of saved the entire movie by singing all the songs during the demo (except "from now on"). i can 100% see apollo taking part of a demo for a musical movie and being promised a part to later on be replaced by someone else. jeremy actually told his side of the story (and sang snippets from the songs) and how he was super excited to play the part and be part of the project (ill link the video in case you want to check it out) and it was actually his way of telling this story what sold me on it being something apollo would do. like apollo is such a theater kid in my mind that him doing a whole stand up thing talking and singing about how he did not get a role for a movie is just soooo in character.

anyway, here's the video im talking about, its just such an insane story that i still cant believe it actually happened https://youtu.be/08AGzOmCk-s?si=XfX3xIpFmkqQePrI

wanted to wait until i watched the video to respond to this so sorry that it took so long!! but WOW. oh my god. that's so... i want to say rude, but also frustrating, and heartbreaking to a certain extent?? like to have done all of that just to know that you were never actually gonna get the part and it was going to go to someone that just had a bigger name - i loved the greatest showman when it came out (and ngl my family was a bit obsessed with it, i can't even count how much we rewatched it) and ngl, was a huge hsm stan as a kid (also cannot count how many times i rewatched those movies) so seeing zac efron be in the greatest showman was part of the incentive that got me to watch it for the first time - but it's still just such an asshole move??

as for your question, i feel like that ABSOLUTELY would happen. even though apollo is technically like the "big name" in this, and would be offered roles without even an audition, i do think that his father may occasionally just have gotten him to sing demos and have to step in everywhere, seeing as his father was a director and producer and occasionally just needed an extra person to sing/act - but then the role wouldn't actually be given to apollo because his father wouldn't want that role for him or approve of it, or any other reason.

apollo probably didn't care much of the time (except his sleep deprivation definitely did, because also the flying across new york while being horribly sick and still having to sing?? definitely smth that has happened to apollo) but i bet there was at least a movie or a show or something that he was really disappointed about not being a part of :/

thank you for the ask!!

[onlyjaeyun]

alright now WHAT THE FUCK? so much shit just happened i need a moment to unpack everything. okay so first of all fashion icon yn ☝️ jay is so proud of u bby. second of all yn is gONNA CO-COACH WITH SUNGHOON? 😨😨 so much stuff is happening i feel like im about to forget smth important from the new chap again but YOOOOO WHY IS SUNGHOON SO SASSY 😭 the sassy men apocalypse is so real 🤕 but pookie calm down pls he keeps eating yn up if i had someone pointing out my daddy issues like that i would straight up cry. ngl if i were in yn’s place i would’ve blocked from the first “what the FUCK” but that’s just me personally 😶 ANYWHO jaemin what the FUCK 😨😨😨 i’m actually so like ?!?!?! he’s so cheating he’s literally actually deadass wallahi fr fr cheating ??????????? like the fucking audacity that some male species have is actually jaw dropping. how r u gonna get all insecure about yn being surrounded by her friends who r practically like her brothers and go “i don’t feel comfortable around them” like WHAT 😨 the self projection is sO REAL. and bby. yn, my love. my angel. my everything. dump his ass i’m begging you. EVEN IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE that u can’t find anyone better and you won’t be able to find anyone after someone as shitty as CH jaems (which u for sure will!!) it’s so much better to be single rather than be with someone who literally does not give a singular flying fuck about you. like girl protect your dignity 🤕🤕 break up with his ass even if he’s the last bf you’ll ever have it’s better than being with someone who’s CHEATING. anywho now that that’s out of the way, really jaemin. jakyung??? REALLY???? ngl the whole hoon & jakyung convo really made me almost throw up the whole time “i can’t study when im tense like this” please do me a favour and suck my dick ew i gen can’t. also WDYM THEYRE GONNA FUCK SO MUCH SOONER THAN ANY OF UR SMAUS? 😨 mamas pls calm down i am not prepared for a hate fucking between yn & hoon (i am. im playing im so seated for it.)

anywho my rant for chap.4 is done and i just wanted to say congratulations zadie !!! you know u ate that smau up SO WELL (especially when it’s supposed to be e2l and the characters are supposed to be hated for character development purposes) when you get anons in ur inbox hating on your work 🥰 like u fr made it and i’m so proud of you ! anyways CH ate. easily one of the best enha smaus in the making with your amazing writing & plot development sending u so much love zadie & so many hugs & kisses i can’t wait to see u piss more ppl off and i can’t wait to see the new CH chapters <333

(no but like genuinely is it that hard to SCROLL AWAY from smth that doesn’t please you? 💀 i don’t get it cuz i’ve seen works that i personally didn’t like yet i never felt the need to go in their inbox and be like “ur shit is so unlikeable dawg what the fuck” because what??? wasting my time like that when i could be searching for a diff fic that i could actually like.

like hello people have different tastes. there might be smth that u don’t like (that one anon) that a different person would gladly eat up (me basically) and there’s absolutely no reason to shit/hate on other people’s works/tastes. ESPECIALLY on tumblr. an app where u get to read literally top quality work for FREE.

and i’m sure so many writers are open for feedback as long as it’s NICE. you can very easily send feedback about a shitty work WHILE appreciating the writer’s effort and hard work spent on it even if the end result didn’t satisfy you. but to straight up go “ur shit is unlikable” IS CRAZY FOR ME 💀💀💀 like pls go into ur notes app or go into ur drafts and write shit that’s “likeable” for u instead of hating on miss zadie 🙏🏼 anywho im sorry this became so long but that was so unnecessary like anon grow up pls you’re better than this

i just want u to know zadie that this is YOUR work. (really want to emphasise this especially after that one ask u got during SB and how it made u pull away from the DDLG concept), the first person that should be satisfied with your works is YOU. if you want to add ddlg pls do if u don’t then don’t if u want to extend the e2l plot in CH please DOOOO these are works and literally universes that you’re creating according to your own liking (and i promise whatever you put out will be amazing because all your works are actually so incredible you’re UNABLE to make smth bad) so pls pls pls add whatever u want !! write whatever you want as long as YOURE satisfied then that’s all that matters ! again love u so much i hope you’re taking care of urself <333

& and always keep your foot down these bitches necks ☝️💯

-⁉️

THERE YOU ARE HI ANGEL BABY 🤭🤭🤭🤍 i hope youve been doing well and are taking good care of yourself !!!!!

gonna try my best and respond to all parts so excuse me pls if i forget any 😭

I ABSOLUTELY AGREEEE. being single is so much better than being with someone like CH!jaems and im afraid ch!y/n's gonna need a while to realise that 🫣 and i know hhe whole jakyung x hoonie part was a little 😞 bc like why would he do that we all know he's madly in love with his enemy (he literally genuinely hates her) but its for the plot i promise 😞😞😞😞

i have also decided to add the smut a little earlier mostly bc i havent properly written smut for hoonie yet and i want to so bad like he's so dreamy and so mean it manes me want to spread my legs and go feral like full on begging and shit so the reason behind the early scheduled smut scene is mostly because of my hunger for sunghoon (jake look away baby)

and the whole not liking a character situation with the E2L is somehhing i struggled with a lot because i 100% agree with you hence the reason i responded the way i did but i genuinely get the nonie bc like thats our hoonie and i make him look so bad BUT I PROMISE ITS FOR THE PLOT 😭😭😭

i will also never get the whole idea of going into someone's inbox and just ranting and complaining when you could just..click away but whatever honestly sto ive accepted that this smau will trigger a LOT of people and i have come to the conclusion that it justa pproves my thoughts of doing what's necessary 🫣

thank you so, so much for your sweet words baby. i do need those reminders every now and then simply because as a writer i tend to get caught up by all the engagement and interactions and asks and comments and the numbers that i tend to forget who i'm writing for in the first place. i hope you know this ask literally means the world to me and i love and appreciate you so so so much, sending you a big kiss rn 🥺☁️🫧🩷

[legendarybelmont]

The whole CV3 gang for the character bingo :> and Trevor/Alucard for the ship bingo lol

oh youre so kind to me lmao, thanks cause i have an absolutely killer headache right now and its easy to speak of the blorbos

first of all, we have the main character ever, the peak of the peaks, bitchfuck mcsluttyboots, trevor! he is very funky and i want to throw him into a ravine, affectionately! most of these are probably self explanatory, but:

- i dont trust the fandom mostly in a netflix way, of course, because netflix!trevor is not my fucking boy

- theyre me fr because i project on him terminally and also our hair is the same. its the same hair

hes my favouritest ever and i have so many thoughts about him but sadly theyre harder to articulate :( maybe BECAUSE hes my favouritest ever

next up, grant! konami did him so dirty, but honestly im glad netflix didnt get the chance to destroy him, and i like the ambiguity of his character; leaves room for interpretation. that said...

- flanderisation disease... a lot of what i see of him tends to focus very deeply on his 'pirate' nature as a sleazy(?), stereotypical personality, even tho i cant word it well, which is a shame, because theres a lot more to him and also because hes not even a pirate lmao. could just be looking in the wrong places though. this ties into not trusting the fandom

- i will rescue you from konami i promise

sypha! the first girlie! hello queen!! i dont rotate her as hard as some of the others but shes literally so cool. i love her i love how she set a foundation for magicky type characters i love how she canonically looked at trevor c belmont and decided to put a ring on That... not much to explain for her but shes awesome

and alucard! the tragic prince himself. i didnt tick 'not trusting the fandom' but now that im thinking about it just pretend i did because i actually dont. much to explain with this one but just know my thoughts about him would get me STAKED. much like trevor i wager

- fandom bicycle... in general yeah but for me nah. i only ship him with the cviii cast, putting him with anyone else feels kinda weird to me unless its pure shitposting. i see him as a certified cviii character instead of a part of the rondo era crew or the sorrow crew, at his core, so maybe thats why?

- god complex. I Have AUs And I Have Corruption Arcs. that is all

- cant even take care of a plant... headcanon time! i think that as a child, his favourite place in the castle was the underground gardens from the saturn version of symphony. he liked to hang out with the mad gardener... anyway, he picked up some things, but ah. you know. monster demon castle. so basically give him a plant and he'll somehow manage to consistently raise it into a monster. any plant at all. he will do it

and finally, the ship meme! alucard/trevor! i think alucard is the kinda guy who just will not move on, sadly, even after centuries... he does continue to assist the belmonts, after all, for many reasons i suppose. and trevor. well. hes trevor. may i remind you of the alucard route ending screen? "trevor realised this as he stood there thinking about alucard". bisexual disaster. probably quite the codependent one, depending

- "only when i write them" mostly refers to netflixvania being awful and bad. i know its a popular ship for the netflixers, but noooo... same for blocking the shippers

- nothing else to explain in depth really im just insane about them. HOWEVER i am also insane for every other cviii gang ship, even the rarer ones (sypha/alucard i can manage it) especially all of them together. theyre so special...

[icharchivist]

*slides into your inbox* um. in case it hasn’t been clear I’ve been having a3 thoughts and while that’s nothing new it IS new that I have the motivation to be emotionally devastated by some plays!!! soooo… ginji the wanderer it is. i am sooo hype for a sakyo lead. knew that colead was gonna be juza since there’s been a pattern of getting everyone as lead/colead for the event plays except for the troupe leaders… smart choice imo since the act 2 plays are the leader and rookie right?

watching the play i actually almost thought taichi was the co-lead for a bit! his power of being so damn charming and compelling that he becomes the heart of a autumn's plays i suppose... i'm obsessed with how literally every single autumn play so far has been about a loner that is for sure not a loner. take banri and juza working together and bonding in the roman episode, then omi befriending taichi in the stranger, and then now sakyo with taichi as his follower and also pledging himself towards this yakuza family! it's like... i see u autumn. the slashing noises during the play are so funny. also i think its very cool to have juza play a character thats insecure about his own abilities! i feel like... he projects this air of confidence so well that its actually novel to have him act out something that's a bit closer to his true self! and i liked that banri was like “the mental strain of having to be hyodo’s underling is what’s killing me” um,,, oh,, the underling that he literally welcomes back even after a huge betrayal?? the underlings he swears to protect? like i obviously get his meaning lol but its so funny like. 1) you betray him dude so clearly it was killing mr.underling (i know his name is mogi) in the play and 2) juza / ken likes you. dummy.

gah the poster is soooo good too. like the text and the sword and no glasses sakyo with his kimono improperly worn <3 they know what the ppl want. oh speaking of the costuming i thought it was such a sweet detail that taichi specifically greets yuki when he comes in! and abt sakyo's kimono yuki says “tsuzuru specifically requested it” i imagine it went like tsuzuru: we're using sakyo's sex appeal to get tickets. get that man into a kimono! he knows what the people want. i thought omi was gonna get more of beard though like. that's not even 5 o'clock shadow it's the shadow when u stand right under the sun at noon. yes i understand that 5 o'clock shadow does not refer to the suns position and the shadow it casts but something else entirely. however this is just how i am. citroncore. i was surprised yuki knew how to do makeup tho! didnt remember he could.

loved it when the other troupes ran into their practice particularly homare writing down “crossin’ into my turf” bc sparkle eyes I ALSO write down turns of phrase I like! it was also so nice to see sakoda bc he's so sweet! i love how he has like an absolutely maniacal cackle laugh while all hes saying is omg im gonna watch sakyos play and cheer for him!! also while banri has the absolutely buckwild suggestion of "maybe he got married" i think its funny that hes like well why else would he leave. no other reason. though i cant make fun of him too hard because i was sitting there worried like "they already paid off their debt in full right?? was sakyo planning on leaving once that was done???" oh but speaking of banri i rly felt like he was. he jokes that well at least we wont have to hear him yelling at us anymore and its like. wow dude u are coping so hard. bc he's even the one who most actively reaches out to sakyo by saying that like he can come to him if hes having any big issues or whatever. anyways this whole scene was a real reminder They Are Children. bc juza and banri don't quite look it bc of how they act but They Are. omi's like the only adult, but like about 100% of a3, he has abandonment issues by the mile (seriously. who in a3 Does Not have that) it was so funny when sakyo realized something was wrong and called himself a grandpa that was 10 years older than them. i was like *regina george voice* so you agree? you think you’re a father figure to them?

sakyo: guess i'm a bother figure to them. his convo with izumi was rly illuminating lol. he was very much like. and it's so like... yeah sakyo you think you have to isolate yourself from everyone i get it because you're too different and you'll hurt people when you're near them... juza's exactly like that too, yknow? i really loved that about this event--it really called out the sakyo-juza parallels which i enjoyed, and I think it was definitely like. incredibly About Sakyo, which feels like a smart choice given that juza was highlighted so much during the first autumn play (because sriously, rather than lead and co-lead, his and banri's roles felt pretty even?)

okay onto muku appearing and mentioning kyuchan... i get so hype whenever kumon is mentioned!!! it's like. my boy!!!! wants 3 flyers to he can save one display one and carry around one... i don't know you yet but i love you. juza also thinking abt stopping by the bakery on the train was just. it was so sweet (pun intended) like. juza is just a scary looking 15 year old who thinks about mundane things like let me grab some pastries on the way back and smiles. i also like that it seems like juza's family really loves him because it's like... well sometimes you can have problems even if your family loves you, yknow? im not saying i dont love awful family situations because um. well i absolutely do but its nice, seeing this as well.

i thought juza following sakyo was so funny because like. he's a tall eye-catching teenager that absolutely has never tried to follow anyone or be stealthy in his life considering his history. also i love that hes like. gah. this is totally something banri would do and then goes and does it. also when he was like "wow, that ladys old i didnt know sakyo would date someone that older than him" i immediately was like. ok so thats definitely his mother. you dumbass. i did like how juza is like... so polite to sakyo's mom and like very clearly speaks to her abt sakyo doing theatre and stuff like. it checks out that he'd actually be quite good at that thing. also i felt like a3 was rly accurate in getting that embarrasment of introducing your friends to you parents from sakyo lol. and i loved that sakyo is like "here juza ill buy u dessert and narrate by tragic backstory" and then he has everyone make tea the second time its so funny (also that juza is just chowing down on sweets during it). also the amt of "..." going on in this whole event is so autumn.

but about sakyo's backstory... i got a very clear image of like. a bruised beaten up kid (20 is young enough for SURE) on the verge of collapsing into fever due to the rain just absolutely breaking down and telling his life story. what the hell. like i know sakyo's fine (more fine than before at least) but i cannot imagine the pressure of thinking u are a fuckup for so long and then joining the yakuza to make your mother believe you're less of a fuckup only to have the guilt of being part of it make you feel like EVEN MORE of a fuckup than before... anyways him joining the ginsenkai family rly puts it into perspective like hm. why sakuya feels like he has to respect the play so much and work so hard. though i imagine that is also because this is his first leading role and he wants to really respect mankai's legacy.

like i sort of mentioned before i think it's so well done that juza catches onto sakyo saying "one last time" because that's probably how he was with pushing away muku (and perhaps kumon? i don't know) so it's obvious that he'd be like. hey. be with your family. because that's what juza so obviously does now. and love how he intuitively understands that but then compulsively just admits "yeah banri said he's prefer it if you weren't around to yell at us" like YOU KNEW HE WASN'T SERIOUS WHY IS THAT WHAT U LEAD OFF WITH WHEN SAKYO IS LIKE YOU GUYS PROBABLY HATE ME YELLING...

it's all good though because juza's line of “isn’t that what people call love, or something?” is so worth it. obsessed with this coming from juza "so many repressed feelings" hyodo. also i love how as soon as they come back izumi has learned about the issue and immediately confronts sakyo. she is so funny to me. and again the juza sakyo relationship is sooo good here. sakyo saying “he reminds me so much of myself that I ended up blabbing about everything”... juza talking about how he felt like sakyo was always someone to respect and who was above him but now he realizes that they both struggle with the same thing... like man! sakyo spent this event thinking juza and autumn found him annoying but juza thought he was literally TOO COOL to treat as an equal!

the icebreakers were also so cute. loved the lil generation gap and that izumi knew what they were. taichi leading them works because really. autumn needs him he is rly good at bringing those guys together i think.

the play itself! sakyo sans glasses is a Look ofc and the taichi: wow u almost look like a yakuza ur so scary / sakyo: I AM ONE. made me laugh. yuzo crying because he was so happy to see how sakyo's grown really got to me too like. huh he really has seen sakyo for the last 10 years or something. and i KNOW sakyo slayed that action scene at the end.

i was so worried when juza was like where's kumon? but then he came barrelling in and HE IS SO CUTE. so sweet to juza! love how quickly juza is like you are NOT joining the yakuza. u can tell he's an older brother. now personally i've never had a sibling that liked me that much but I'm willing to believe in it being possible. cannot believe izumi has to ask who he was though like. purple hair yellow eyes who else would it be. the "how’s baseball" question and the "still a bench warmer lets change the subject!" answer tho... eyes emoji. man. realistically high school sports can be so tough like. u have to be there all the time for practice but not getting to play makes it look like you've done nothing at all... i wonder if that's kumon's issue (hes really proud of juza but doesn't feel like he has anything) or it's something else! i'm excited to find out... and he brought cookies! great kid. the "oh! but u don’t have to share with that banri dude if you don’t wanna!" is also so sibling and it's nice to see how :) juza is around him.

the parallel with sakoda hugging sakyo so hard was so sweet! as well as taichi basing his role off of sakoda... yeah. i think framing it against kumon and juza's interaction was a rly good way of showing how important sakoda is to sakyo! onto dinner with the yakuza i loved how taichi was still so :D and how juza and banri are still bickering. these guys do not change for anyone. it was a surprise to see ichiro's sprite pop up! i like his outfit design here especially too.

the "where’s the brat?" has me going…boss’s son… AUTUMN ROOKIE??? AZAMI!!!??? i feel like I’ve heard he hates his dad!! so. hype. also when the boss is like "I didn’t think a theatre troupe would take in a yakuza…" sir u do not know how desperate this troupe was. also they were literally in debt to that yakuza (though, in that case, asking them is even more wild lmao) and the "i wouldn’t want you as my sister. you’re something else to me." sakyo you are so obvious. i love seeing sakyo izumi interactions tho. it always feels like. she has a lot more personality when he’s around? like that first conversation they had when she asked him if anything was wrong was also really good like... it feels like they just rly talk to each other head on? i like it they're cute.

anddd that's abt it for my thoughts! i listened to buzama at the end and i don't have much to say except wow, sakyo and juzas voices go REALLY well together!! so to end this I'll say i looked at the belial design again and realized he was drinking apple juice and i was like "that is so mild what the hell. thats so funny" until i had the epiphany that if he's in a story that involves a character named lucifer then. then is his school au self drinking apple juice as a reference to sin in the garden of eden. thats even funnier if thats the case.

oh my god TWO a3 rambling messages from you in two days? It must be my birthd- wait. BUT I MEAN BY THAT, WHAT A GIFT! i'm so glad aaah it's my pleasure!!! Ginji time!!

under cut as always ;D

And yeap pretty much, act 2 play is leader and rookie, so for the 3rd play you can expect pairing whoever is left in the troupe yeap!

oh my god what you say about Taichi… this is so true. He becomes so damn good sobs. It's funny bc on one hand it can also just justified by "he looks vulnerable so Tsuzuru alway smakes him go through hell to pull the heartstrings" but in the end it's Taichi who pushes through and shine with them!!

Your observation about how every autumn play is about loners who are not fully loner… so real. I didn't notice before so it's such a nice thing to point out thank you!! But yesss Juza's chara fit him so much sobs. This play was really good. DLKFJDKLFJKDFL THE ROAST ON BANRI. BEAUTIFUL. DESERVED.

and GOD YEAH the poster is REALLY GOOD i love it. They sure indeed know what the people want. DLKFJDLKFJLDKFJDFKLJDFKL I love your observation. Yes i love Taichi welcoming Yuki, and Tsuzuru deciding to whoring out the old man right away is a delight. But agreed Omi should have a better bear shh. And no no i think your language analysis is pertinant. Citroncore. I guess Yuki picked up some stuff out of fashion stuff? but yeah, surprising indeed.

Homare is as good as ever and i'm so happy it's more details for you to relate to!! Sakoda has such a nice presence this event too, he's truly adorable and i love him and his stupid laugh so much. Sakyo numba one fan.

oh my gOd you managed to get worried for Sakyo this is so sweet. But yesss totally agree with what you point out, Banri was coping hard and it really does remind that they are children, you shouldn't infantalize them in any way and all but. yeah sobs. Omi is indeed the adult figure aside from him but esp as someone who had to take the "mom" role at a young age he probably just, didn't have a healthy "adult" way to step out and could easily get in his own head about all of this. DLKFJDFLDF THIS IS SO REAL THOUGH Sakyo is out there realizing he's a father but he only sees the "old" factor not the FATHER FACTOR.

(genuinely think that the whole scene from b99 would happen to them one day tho.)

I FUCKING TYPED THAT. BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN AND SAW YOU REFERED TO THE BOTHER FIGURE THING LMAO. But yess you're so right about everything else. I also really love that Juza is the one calling him out since Sakyo did mention that he saw a bit of himself in Juza (and it made him feel bad because Juza never gave up on his dream and Sakyo did). So Juza being the one to call him out, seeing right through him, really drives this point even more home. It was honestly so good. (agreed about the Roman Episode having equal time tho)

WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT KUMON.. YES. YES. BABYBOY. This is the spirit. But yeah i agree i really love Juza's family and how, no matter how rough life is for him, at least home is a safe place. He has support and people he loves, though it adds to the guilt and fear to give them a bad name, but none of them actually blames him. It's just gnhhh i love the Hyodo Sakisaka household so much.

Juza following Sakyo is funny for all you said + the fact that Sakyo, yakuza, didn't fucking notice at first sobs. "banri would do it" says he as he does it is really funny indeed tho. man the meeting with Sakyo's mom was really sweet. I did absolutely love to see Juza bond a bit with her and her getting so sweet with him, he was probably so intimidated and yet. what an angel.

And god yeah. Sakyo's backstory is really pulling the heartstrings alright. He wants to be less of a burden on his mom so much that he's willing to take SO much more burdens than needed on his shoulders it's just man. man!!

god all you summarize brings me back the feelies i'm going to choke up. You're totally right on Juza catching Sakyo's drift and even more calling him out (and throwing Banri under the bus in the process) I LOVe Izumi's reaction too. I love how Izumi is her own character that way, she's just as bonkers as the rest of them. And god man. The dynamic between Juza and Sakyo really is so soft and it's just. so good. man.

Everything after that was so good. The icebreaking scene as you sia,d and the lead up to the play, and the play itself man.

AND WOUHOUUU KUMON!! coming like a storm. He's so damn adorable! And omg yeah i feel you on that. I saw some people poke fun at their dynamic like "how unrealistic that they love each other this much" and i'm just no!!! they're sweet!!! Juza is a sweet boy who takes care of others and his little bro is a baby having to be stopped from following his impulses else he'll probably do something stupid. What else do you expect!! this is genuinely so cute of a dynamic tho sobs. AND YEAH LEGIT IZUMI IT WAS OBVIOUS IZUMI COM'ON. hohoho i'm excited for you getting to see what Kumon's deal is. It is an interesting to catch on about him so do hold on to that but i'll say i adore your keen eye for the Hyodos. It'll be a ton of fun. AND YEAH Kumon, the first ally on the battle against Banri with the war on cookies.

AND GOD YEAH. Sakoda/Taichi/Kumon team up in the future which is just "geeking over Juza and Sakyo" while Sakyo slowly dies of embarassment. But yes!! it really does help framing how much they care about one another.

But YEAH genuinely it still kills me how cosy Mankai is with the Yakuza. Having a Yakuza in the cast is one thing, having an entiere Yakuza family chilling, supporting us, and inviting us to dinners, while the kids can be normal around them? genuinely this boggles me more than the supernatural stuff in the Winter chapter. Like. What is happening. BUT YEAH i love the little cameo from Ichiro. I love when the backstage guys are acknowledged, godspeed.

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH 8D Love the Brat we exist to cherish the brat. This event does so much to prepare for the rookies. it's so good.

We were desperate. We were not wise. And the Yakuza took us first by saving the theater even OKAY. SAKYOOO HE IS SO OBVIOUS IT'S DISGUSTING. JUST TELL YOUR FEELINGS ALREADY OLD MAN. But i agree yes she does have a very strong personality around him and man their dynamic is really adorable. they're so damn cute. I root for them.

But YEAH Buzama really is SO good. Their voices is so so good.

Thank you so much for your thoughts on the event, it truly was a blast to read through and a pleasure to relive <33 those guys make me all so soft, always and forever.

About Belial, yeAH tHIS IS SO STUPID AND FUNNY. And yeap you nailed it, kind of, there's also the fact that in the actual game Belial is associated to the apple too, this is one of his official art:

He is supposed to be a bit associated to temptation and stuff, one of the quests to get stronger (that is a must do for every player) involves him tempting the player, so yeap! but it's so funny they translated it with him always drinking apple juice in the event

it's also funnier to me knowing that Vyrn, our little dragon friend, is a lover of apple, and i'm pretty sure his face is on the apple juice's box AU!Belial drinks around. I feel like Vyrn is yelling as we speak.

but yeah also in the AU Belial is supposed to be 15yo and every. single. one of us. had a laughing fist about it when it was announced. I remember even some VAs and official cosplayers (bc we have a lot of cosplay shows with official cosplayer/actors) tweeting about how much they had a major whiplash from reading it and had to pause what they were doing for a second. This is so funny to me.

Belial, 15yo, slurping on his apple juice: ah hell welcome to my feast time to start the hedonist. (check the link it won't disappoint! just don't let anyone you're afraid to disappoint eardrops on you.)

This is terrible, but yes. the more you know!

thanks once again for sharing your thoughts it's always a blast <333 take care!

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

OKAY WELL SINCE YOU RESPONDED TO EVERY ASK, I GUESS I DIDN'T ANSWER YOURS BACK IN NOV 9??? I AM SO SORRY I LITERALLY THOUGHT I DID

woozi as ur senior thesis would be SO funny because like...imagine being a professor and seeing an essay/project all about a genius kpop man 😭😭😭

IM A RAVENCLAW ACTUALLY?????? how did you KNOW....are you stalking me... ALSO WHATS UR HOUSE??

he may be the mc's tree but you can always climb him in your dreams...

O2O?? ILL CHECK IT OUT...if it has a happy ending NO CDRAMA RECS BUT I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE BLOODHOUNDS SO DO GIVE IT A CHANCE

ur anime con pics are SOSOSOSOSOSO CUTE!! I LOVE SEEING PEOPLE NERD OUT AND BE PASSIONATE ABOUT THE THINGS THEY LIKE

idk if he's a sub but me personally i like guys (like seungcheol) who have a lot of like passive(?) dominance if that makes sense?? like they exude this dominant energy irl (and in the bedroom but whatever HAHAHAH)

plot twist! i dont like him anymore!! i feel like he's just bread crumbing me and i'd honestly rather be friends with him atp

OKAY IF YOU ACT SELF-CENTERED AND YOU PULL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE PULLING SUB MEN....IF THATS UR HOPE THEN YOU'RE DOING GREAT BRIE THATS EXACTLY HOW YOU PULL SUBBY MEN

omg wait why are you dropping out? are you okay (like not in a condescending way, just checking in cuz you are important!!)

WAIIIIIIT (omg dino reference) WHAT CHRISTMAS MOVIES DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH EVERY YEAR PLS SHARE

NO. INSTANT MASHED POTATOES??? WHEN YOU HAVE ACCESS TO REAL POTATOES AND GARLIC????? she should be JAILED...but im sure she has a good reason mwahahah your mother must be a very nice person

SCALLOPED CORNNNNNNN OH MY GOD?? INVITE ME TO UR THANKSGIVING BRIE ID WANT TO EAT ALLLL THAT STUFF

WELL IM SURE SOME GUYS AT WORK HAVE GOTTA BE INTO YOU............

don't ever apologize for late responses!!! i enjoy every message i get from you too (ditto. lol. nwjns. i have brainrot) SO ITS OK!!!

-someone who missed you and hopes that you're OKAY (🫨 anon)

NOVEMBER OH MY GOD ITS LITERALLY OKAY THOUGH THAT WAS BASICALLY THE LAST TIME I RESPONDED ANYWAYS

I fear that is a senior thesis we deserve but will never behold…

I JUST KNOW YOU… WE’RE BONDED… YOU CANT TELL MY HOGWARTS HOUSE??? 😨😨😨

Oh 🫨 anon, I do not partake in stories with unhappy endings (… willingly) SO DW AND I WILL GIVE BLOODHOUNDS A CHANCE IF I REMEMBER AND I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER

I love anime cons… surrounded by mutual losers… ACTUALLY KINDA FUNNY STORY. When i was at the con they were playing this episodes of animes airing right now and we watched this one cause it had a funny title: I’m Giving the Disgraced Noble Lady I Rescued a Crash Course in Naughtiness, and we’re watching it and it’s pretty funny and there was this one scene where something happened to the male lead and you know how in anime they have like tiny like unrealistic things happen but we all know it’s just expressing the characters embarrassment or shock and no one can actually see it? Well he got shocked and completely turned into stone and then turned into dust and we’re all sitting there like 🙂 AND THEN ONE OF THE CHARACTERS CHIDED HIM FOR TURNING INTO DUST TO TRY AND GET OUT OF THE SITUATION AND EVERYONE LAUGHED SO HARD and i had an out of body experience where i was like this anime and joke are for such a niche audience, and oh my god we are a bunch of losers 😂

NO I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY PASSIVE DOMINANCE.. like cheol… 🤭 GOOD FOR YOU DROPPING HIS ASS. YOU DESERVE A WHOLE LOAF OF BREAD NOT JUST THE CRUMBS. FUCK HIM!!! LOSER!! HE SUCKS!!

OH FUCK BUT 🫨 I DO NOT WANT TO PULL SUB MEN. I WANT TO DOMINATED. PLEASE. I WANT TO BE PUT IN MY PLACE. HELP ME 😭😭 TAME ME LIKE A BRAT IDK-

Hmm, i just wasn’t going to class cause i have really serious sleep problems. Like, i can’t sleep at night and i’m already on trazadone which is supposed to help me sleep but doesn’t work right. So james prescribes me ambien too. I tell him my anxiety is going even crazier than usual he prescribes me clonazepam. So now I’m taking ambien, trazadone, and clonazapem for sleep. I’ve always been really overly fatigued during the day but now i just can’t wake up, at all. I am sleeping till five (ball-park) no matter how many alarms i set or when i go to sleep. So i’m sleeping through class and being late for work. So he takes away my clonnie and my PRECIOUS ambien, and now i’m on Laraxpem? lonazepam? And i’m actually not tired all day again! But i am not falling asleep at night 🙃 and also, i am still way too fatigued way too early in the day (i woke up at 1:00 and i was dead tired by 7:00). ANYWAYS. I might do a sleep study soon so. We’ll see how it goes.

Uhm, uh, the princess switch movies, 12 dates of christmas, A christmas kiss, Dash & Lilly (not a movie), A cinderella story (the christmas one), Christmas Cupid…. There’s more uhm but i can’t think of them rn.

No… don’t make excuses for her laziness…. If she is willing to ignore her crying, child pleading for real potatoes then she should be JAILED.

WELL NOT RIGHT NOW I DONT THINK. I HOPE. I CANT HANDLE GUYS AT WORK LIKING ME. I LITERALLY SUCK WHY. AND IM NOT??? THAT??? PRETTY??? LEAVE ME ALONE.

DITTO BY NEW JEANS IS MY FAVORITE BY NEW JEANS I LOVE DITTO

[f4irycafe]

love love love how u push the clingy bf!eren agenda it makes me feel so nice 🥺 reading some of your hcs made mf think of bf!eren w his black, thick gf and he’s just 🥺🥺🥺🥺so in love with her and wants to talk to her and be in her presence all the time! they’re both in college but her major is more demanding than his in terms of hw so most of the day she’s busy running around campus and all day he’s texting you talking about some “i miss youuu ughhhhh” or send random twt memes or “have you eaten yet baby? let me come over ill bring some food” and then when she’s feeling stressed about school he takes her to his place and they have like a lil sleepover and watch movies and anime and stuff and like—

i got carried away bc im self projecting im sorry but yeah..pls continue pushing the clingy bf eren agenda PLEASE. i need it.

notes: never apologize, i love when people drop their ideas in my inbox !! also, confirmed u are my favorite mutual <3 PLEASE SUBMIT THINGS LIKE THIS TO MY INBOX, I LOVE READING PEOPLES LITTLE HC’s OF CHARACTERS!!!

eren is literally the best boyfriend ever like you can’t change my mind. he is 100% the type of man to send u a meme and then like ... check to make sure you got it. talking bout some "did u get my last text" type bssssss. like you got 4 classes in 1 day, no you don't have time to check up on his texts every two seconds. when you get home he'd be so pouty about it.

baby you didn't respond to me all dayyyyyyyy.

gimmie a kiss, i miss you.

with his big puppy dog eyes that you just can't resist.

if you do public speaking things or attend panels you better believe he's sitting front row cheering you on. he doesn't care if you aren't supposed to cheer, he'll do it anyways. he'll lean over to the person next to him and be like "that's my girl btw. isn't she so cool?"

and if you get stressed he's literally the best to have around. he's down for whatever as long as he gets to spend time with you. you wanna have a night out on the town and try a new food spot, he'll drive and pay for everything. he's also not opposed to staying in and cooking his favourite girl something sweet. he's a hot coco kinda man, so you better believe you'll be bundled up under like 10 blankets as u wait for him to finish what he's doing in the kitchen.

marvel buff. like yes ... this time is about u but like ... he'd still force you to watch marvel with him.

[kategorema]

One of the things i love most about Hometown Cha Cha Cha is the way they subvert gender roles in the characters. Once again, this is the pov of an avid romance consumer and thats the way im approaching this

To start, sikhye, to me, feels a lot like the grumpy one with the sunshine one trope (thats what i call it in my head i dont know if it has an actual name 😂). Now, in the romance genre, this trope is often combined with the small town setting we see in the drama but 90% of the time, no matter the gender of the city person, the woman is the sunshine and the man is the grump. In small town romances where the female character is the city person moving in town the man is the town grump whom she helps connect with his fellow citizens, when the male character is the city person moving in town the woman is the town sunshine that helps him embrace life and have fun .

Now, the way i see it, Hye-jin is the grumpy one and Du-sik the sunshine one, which i think is the biggest way this series subverts gender roles. Du-sik is the one everyone knows and loves in town, Du-sik is the fun-loving social butterfly that lightens the atmosphere, Du-sik is the one that offers a helping hand to everybody when usually, while it's not unusual for him to be that giving, as the grump, the man's generosity is meant to be discovered by the female lead later on. In Hometown Cha Cha Cha Du-sik's giving nature is evident from the start and it's one of the things that most endear him to us as an audience.

Hye-jin, on the other hand, is a lot more reserved, which again is usually a male characteristic, she's not used to this way of life she doesn't understand why everyone's in her business and finds it annoying and is not hesitant to say so. As a result, she comes across as judgy and snobby to the residents or even the audience (she didnt come off that way to me but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else thought otherwise) and Du-sik is the one that tells her to be a little more open, that she might have to compromise in order to gain the residents' trust. So, once again we see him in a role that is mainly assigned to the female character in a romance.

Now, i realise i make this seem really unfair to the sunshine one (aka the woman, usually) but i promise you it isn't. Here's the deal with these sunshine characters; they don't know how to be anything else. What i mean by that is a sunshine won't talk to anyone about their personal problems in order not to compromise the happy image they project to the world out of fear they won't be liked otherwise.

Consequently, and here's why i love this whole opposites-attract-sunshine-grump situation, they feel free to talk about their issues with the grumpy ones mainly because usually their sunshiny disposition gets on their nerves so what do they have to lose anyway, right?

That is exactly what we see in episode 10 when Du-sik talks to Hye-jin about feeling responsible for his grandfather's death. It's the first time we see him open up to anyone and it is fucking beautiful, no? Which brings me to the way Hometown Cha Cha Cha subverts gender roles that makes me the happiest. Du-sik is in therapy 🎊🥳🤧🎉🥰. I imagine for most of you this series is not your first kdrama and so you know this is extremely rare, especially for a man. As we all know, women are supposed to be more in tune with their emotions and a lot more open to processing them and yet Du-sik is the one we see working through them.

Now, the only way i come in contact with the Korean culture is through kdramas and kpop so im not going to comment on that. I am Greek, however, and therapy has not been completely accepted yet in my culture (it's certainly better than before but it hasn't been exactly normalised), especially for men. So, i can say with 100% sincerity, i am absolutely delighted to see him work on himself in that way and it makes me love his character that much more. How self-aware must he be to be able to realise he needs help to work through his mental issues? (This is totally a me thing btw i just value self-awareness a lot 😅).

While i love our main couple an extraordinary amount, i do have something to say about our secondary one in a post like this. I absolutely love Mi-seon as a character, i love her friendship with Hye-jin (which deserves a separate post btw) and i love whatever she has going on with Eun-chul mainly because it's another opposites attract situation. Mi-seon is confident, she's sassy, she's extroverted while Eun-chul is low-key, he's introverted, a little traditional. I dont know about you but i rarely see female characters be so open about relationships in kdramas. Usually, they are portrayed as demure and innocent and those words describe Eun-chul better than Mi-seon. I love the fact that Mi-seon is the one who confessed her feelings and Eun-chul is the one that basically asked her to take it slow. I'm not saying one is better than the other i just find it really refreshing.

Anyway, this post got away from me and barely makes sense anymore😅 please feel free to add anything or to correct me if you need to.

[shkspr]

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

[northern-passage]

those asks are RIGHT!! i am so tired of having to play a put-together smart competent problem solving protagonist doing the heavy lifting and smirking sexily in so many IFs like no!!!! i want to have my character be JUST AWFUL and PITIABLE

hahaha to be fair i think most wips give you a chance to be pitiful, and i find that shy options are the preferred by readers and most authors know that. i don't think i've ever played a game where you can't be some kind of shy when it comes to flirting. but a lot of authors also prefer to write fixed personalities & in some cases certain games call for the mc to be more confident and assertive because if they weren't then... well the story wouldn't happen lmfao. with IF i think a lot of people tend to forget that there is a story that needs to happen... (not saying this about you specifically anon)

i actually found this ask to be pretty funny because most readers complain about their mc not being competent enough, or complain about how their mcs should be allowed to do and be good at everything.... i've actually gotten criticism as well as some other authors i'm friends with, specifically on the forums, about our mcs being too weak, despite all of us authors having a reason for the mcs to be that way. most people want to be able to god-mod these games, lmfao, and want their mcs to be perfect killing machines or something.

and there's definitely this weird dissonance in the IF community when it comes to mcs. some people claim to want an mc that is "fully customizable", when in reality what they really want is the blandest person alive to just project onto, and then they just ignore the fact that their choices don't actually really change anything at all in the story, and that all those character creation choices they picked never get mentioned again (not to say that this is always necessary but some choices SHOULD be addressed beyond flavor text in maybe one scene). i mean this happens with any kind of content where characters are taken out of context and people just create an entire fanon that isn't present at all in the source material.

but then when an mc has any kind of personality they get mad because they can't project anymore, even though i find games like that actually have way more flavor text and customization.

i guess i understand if people play these games with self-inserts, but i've never been one to do that, so i guess i just don't get it. i don't think there's anything wrong with playing with self-inserts but i wish people wouldn't take it out on the authors... just find something else to read.

anyways this wasn't meant as a rebuttal or anything at you anon i just find this kind of conversation in the IF community to be pretty funny. especially back when i was on the forums... people there really like two types of mcs: god mode i am perfect and i love being evil and cruel but actually nothing i choose to do is ever wrong and if i have to face consequences in game i will be mad at the author for "punishing" me, OR i am a weak, thin little waif and i can't even initiate conversation because im sooo shy but also every RO is madly in love with me for some reason yes even the ones i've never flirted with and if they're not i will be mad at the author about it. i suppose these are the two i notice the most since these readers always feels compelled to be mad at the author lmfao....

also on the forums people always tend to hold up twc and soh as these paragons of customization and the peak of IF content when i have to uh.. disagree... it's something that has always baffled me. both are examples of what people get wrong with both kinds of mcs, in my opinion. twc has a boring, incompetent mc, while soh has a fixed personality and just sucks shit.

in twc i find it to be incredibly lacking with personality or any kind of customization, and most of the time your decisions don't matter. in some routes you don't even GET a decision, the game just decides for you. maybe that will change in future books but i've long since lost interest in that series. soh i don't even deign to give any kind of real criticism to it just sucks shit and i wish people would stop recommending such an awful game on literally every forum thread...

anyways this is definitely not what you intended when you messaged me LOL but like i said i always find the debate about mc customization to be interesting. and frustrating. and baffling... lmao.

[lunar-lair]

ok say hello to my insanely new oc who ive made entirely to be a villain who is still an excellent adult and a decent parent, probably. cares too much abt kids. think reigen mob psycho with a drop or two of milla. worked under Nick From The Mailroom and was actually in on his scheme.

has always been rather cold and brash towards adults, but is more caring towards kids. in my brain he has a brooklyn type accent? rough and tumble, walks around without a tie, yknow? they keep him cause he sorts mail real good, though.

(added a read more because this got INSANELY LONG AKSKSK i spent like an hr on this h)

he was a delugeionist, but only because he kinda just wanted to rip the world apart a little; lysandre vibes, thinks a lot of it is scum and needs to go. thinks the *psychonauts* are scum and need to go. hes psychic but suppressed it, think aquato parents but extra toxic about it, and straight up just saying being psychic is unnatural. wouldnt go to loboto parent lengths tho. so he adopted that thought of 'being psychic is unnatural and wrong', which contributed to a lot of self hate that was never learned out. likely, he realizes hes a shitty person and thinks he needs to go too. so like...yknow hank, dbh? kinda the vibe im gettin right now. way more formal, of course, and while usually gruff, is more polite when its needed; can and *will* beat the shit out of you verbally in a factual way, though, and can talk more street-lingo if hes talkin to real thugs. (probably winged it on his own after failing college or smth, hes got the vibes.)

anyways, its this plot where he slinks off and starts planting mistrust in the psychonauts or something. and inevitably he just...shows up and starts kidnapping people. dismantling things from the inside and all that. he left and formed a group who also hated psychics at some point, likely friends of his parents and friends of friends, all from his hometown. all of them fight *insanely* dirty, and a lot of them are insanely vulgar. the kids are supposed to be kept away.

but theres a line to follow here.

this man is a fold to raz. hates the psychonauts, hates being psychic, adopted his parent's hate of psychics, hates the *world.* raz is young and unburdened and unjaded...mostly. hes not the shock of water some young characters can be when it comes to being the foils of other characters; think steven with a villain or something, right? but raz is sassy and a little jaded, and not total sunshine positivity.

hes a child this man could look down on and not be immediately annoyed by, who is worried by yet respects raz's realization of the world as it is, however little that is.

and yet raz is still his foil. he still mostly loves the psychonauts, despite it all, he loves being psychic, for the most part, he dodged adopting his parents previous values, he still seems to have an even view of the world as a whole.

raz is jaded, if only a little, but he moved past it and accepted that things could still be bright. this man is jaded, but he stayed in his stormclouds, never looked for the sun.

ok where. was i. RIGHT ok so. at the beginning of this...story? the man finds raz being talked down to by one of the office workers; someone with weak psychic powers whos insanely jealous of his prowess. an adult who envies the young prodigy. and theyre giving him some insane task to do, like cleaning all of the closets within the hour, but hes saved the world twice, so he smiles and nods along, because he said he would help around the motherlobe, and this adult is asking him to do something that seems simple enough.

and this guy, internally, goes 'bitch.' for a good long second bc 1. dude even if you envy a kid, kinda fucked to show that?? not their fault 2. WHY are you asking a 10 year old to do that. why is there a 10 year old here. holy shit thats a 10 year old oh my god hes so tiny (no one told him there was a 10 year old because they knew hed stomp right up to management but. regardless. he is going to stomp up to management after this and no one can really stop him. except maybe raz well see)

so yknow. dude fixes his slight slouch and walks forward and politely tells this woman that 1. hes 10 why are you jealous of him and 2. hes 10????????? and shes like shit hes 10. and apologizes. and walks away

and raz is VERY ?? bc she was doing what? why is him being 10 important? and its that young part of you that gets pissed when people try to keep you from doing things because youre young and hes DEFINITELY yet to learn that piling responsibilites that should be handled by adults onto a child is fucked up in its own special way (looking at you ford, *nick*)

and the dude calmly explains because yea. he gets that. and he still sounds gruff and a little peeved but he squats down to razs height and he talks simply and factually, telling him straight on why it isnt right.

and. huh. people dont really do that for raz. except for sasha, sometimes, everyone likes to dodge the truth a lot with him, because hes 10, and sometimes, hes too nice to tug it out of them.

and this guy, this man that raz is already polishing a trophy for 'good adulting' in the back of his brain with his striking statements about how adults should handle things and kids should-kids should...get to have fun. not be traumatized.

for the shock on his face when raz said hed already saved the world a couple times, whats some closets. he reigned it in, said that its weird he saved the world, because thats usually their jobs.

and this guy offers his hand on instict before he stands up, even though he doesnt seem very sweet and kind like the adults that usually offer raz a hand. and he takes it, i think. he takes it.

warm. warm, a little nice.

reminds raz of his dad, maybe. he wonders if this man has any kids himself, but keeps his mouth shut, because he thinks he already has the answer, and its yes.

(he doesnt have any. he would wish he did, but he knows hed fail to raise them right.)

and when he stands, he asks raz what he was asking that woman for, and he says hes doing tasks around the motherlobe because his papers are still coming in. the man doesnt ask. (he knows what 'papers' means, realizes this is the tiny junior psychonaut every room in the damn place has been buzzing about, and he has fucking words for forsythe.) he just offers for the kid to sort mail under his supervision.

and that sounds boring. at least, it usually would.

this man is interesting, and a good...person? a good adult? hes...hes new. hes new, and calm, and a little like sasha but a lot not, and he thinks he trusts him.

so raz grins and says yea, mail sorting sounds nice.

(debatably, raz does not take his hand. hes too jaded when it comes to adults. debatably, he does not feel any warmth from this man who has taught him every adult has been telling him wrong. debatably, im projecting. but thats the whole point of ocs, hm?)

and then holes crop up in motherlobe systems. people are kidnapped.

raz keeps seeing the strange man, keeps telling him things, keeps hearing back, gruff and factual and a little annoyed, but raz can almost-just-barely tell its not at him, with the way he talks.

he can tell. he can tell.

he can never tell. this man is making sure he can tell.

raz trusts the man, is still polishing that trophy for 'best adulting' he has settling in the back of his mind.

and then the man comes with a militia.

he did not seem jaded. he did not seem hateful. he never showed any anger or hate towards raz.

but thats because he knows kids dont deserve it.

an excellent moral or two. a rotten, broken heart.

and at first, they keep the kids away, because these people fight dirty, because this isnt their battle, because the man has been sending emails about why 15 year olds are in a secret psychic agency.

(he does not mention raz. by razs second visit, he had just marked the boy down as another reason to hate the psychonauts as a whole, and especially its higher ups.

hes also regretting his alliance to nick by about the third. if he had known the man would puppet a child as if they were a toy, he would have organized his own rebellion ages ago.)

but eventually, the psychonauts need all hands on deck.

they send the children to find the missing agents.

the interns are fought on the way. some of them avoid the child, know the boss would pummel them.

they get to the base, and the strange man, the one with the broken trophy for 'best adult' (still barely-polished, because hes still so sure) still nestled in the back of razs brain, is still there.

the junior psychonauts are spotted. one of the guards throws a few rocks aimlessly.

they surprise them. one almost hits raz.

its intercepted instead.

and the other junior psychonauts watch as this man, their enemy, a villain, in their eyes, reprimands the other man for even accidentally daring, for even trying. for doing something they might have done just a month or so ago, if they had decided he was too much weirder than they already had.

and he yells something like, "Why the hell is he even here?! This is an enemy base, of whats a rebellion! This is a *10 year old*! What kind of adult sends a child *near* something like that?!" and he truly sounds angry this time, raz finds. hes too angry to keep it in. he still sounds gruff and oddly proper. raz is standing there, arms hanging. hes baffled in a specific way, the way he was every time the man's brow furrowed when he mentioned a harrowing story, the way he was the first day they met.

and he asks, a little quiet, a little small, a reminder of how young he really is, "Why are you still trying to keep me safe? We're supposed to be enemies now."

And his brow furrows further before flattening out, and he tilts onto one leg, and he swears he almost kneels to a knee.

He cant believe it. He really cant.

"You're 10." he says simply, softly, that factual way. "You shouldn't even be here."

and raz pauses. the interns freeze.

"...well, here I am."

and i think...it would be so intriguing if this was done halfway out of the mind, because this man is so against anything psychic. it would be so *compelling.*

so raz steps forward and asks again, asks why hes doing this.

and the mans eyes harden, he tries to turn off that soft heart, trying to remind himself of all that he hates. because he hates the psychonauts, because he sort of hates the world.

and raz asks why he could ever hate the psychonauts, head tilted, before listing off the few he knows to be true. but other than that, how? and ok, the world sucks a little, yea, hes seen that, gets that.

and he appreciates that this kid isnt totally gung ho about existence.

but he hates that he isnt, too.

and its this back and forth. everything the man hates, why he hates it. raz saying why its good but admitting why its bad.

and hes swayed, just a little.

but the man stands up from the kneel hed inevitably instinctively put himself into, and walks forward, hand held out yet again.

"You shouldn't be in the Psychonauts," he tells him, soft, factual, brow furrowed. "Come with me. I'll bring you back to your parents, or wherever it is you want to go."

raz contemplates. thinks, for a long moment.

he grabs the mans hand, warm and firm, yet again, for a terrifying moment.

before he reaches up to slap a mental door on his forehead, and astral projects into it.

he thinks this man is good. thinks hes just jaded.

thinks hes the best adult hes ever met, one who just happens to hate a lot of things.

hes only 10.

hes not letting someone who can tell him so clearly whats wrong and right for adults to tell him go that easily.

aaaand yknow. raz does his razzy thing. learns about why the guy hates the world and the psychonauts and himself. helps him learn that its not all bad, that he was excellent to raz, and still is, that things can be bad and good all at once.

the man concedes that raz is very capable, very smart, and can do a lot. but that doesnt mean he should have to.

raz tells him, though, that he likes working for the psychonauts. its his dream. and he realizes some things he was told to do were kinda screwed up, now. that maybe, in honesty, he was dealt a bad hand.

but hes done what he can with that hand, and he ended up with a royal flush.

and uh! yknow!! then raz leaves his mind and he calls off the rebellion! its like a rhombus of ruin type adventure, except without the villain being present beforehand. its just not clustered in insanely close with a ton of other wild shit.

anyways this got really long? sorry?? its an oc i just saw good adult and slight father vibe potential in the vibe i instantly got on him and then i went feral???? rip maybe someone will read this and if you did. congrats i honestly really liked how the whole foil and good-yet-bad and consideration of raz being 10 thing worked out. this oc is almost like our representative in the psychonauts world the way reigen is for the audience in mp100. yea :) i match them up a lot but thats just cause they vibe a lot. anyways its 1:40 am now and i spent abt an hour on this hope it vibed mildly byeeee

[bluewinnerangel]

Hello! I’m a bit new so forgive me if you’ve already answered a similar question before but what do you think about H supposedly making fanfic references in his mv and one more I forgot about? Because the whole concept just seems idk (weird?) to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reading fanfics and I’m sure they’ve read them because L says he’s did in one interview and H doesn’t say anything and there’s one more where L doesn’t say anything but probably Z or Li reacts in a way that gives it away.

Hi!

So this is just my opinion and I think the only people that can really answer this properly are those who have been here from the start and have read many fanfics (and that isn’t me). This because I think it's pretty easy to misinterpret some things he's done by lack of a grasp on how the fandom was build up (if that's the proper word for it) over time / when he started doing/wearing certain things and whatnot. Fanfics are based on some essense of the real person one way or another, and it's often going to have small details that fit what the person has already done or would fit their character, or at least how the writer perceived them. So naturally some writers are going to hit the sweet spot and just describe them pretty well, write them into things they would do or appreciate, or even an aesthetic they vibe with, etc. So I honestly can't tell you the order of events about some of these supposed referencing. With that I mean that even if Harry comes in with something highly specific that was already in a fanfic that's been around for a while, then still that specific thing in the fic was probably already based on something he would do or has done anyway, and we’re just running in circles. So basically I think a lot of small things people claim are fic references are bullshit. That said, I’m making a big exception for TTS because all the coincidoinks with that one are just a little bit too much for me. Like most you can just kinda shrug off but then long after the whole eroda = fair isle shit he goes on to do that vogue shoot in his little fair isle slipover on the TTS’s bnb shore like are you fking kidding me with this shit Harry. 

And to touch upon your comment about the concept seeming weird, you know that thing with Euphoria? They fking visualised and narrated a larry fanfic and then Harry was like lemme show im besties with this director and also follow zendaya (who narrated it)? He thrives in weirdness, he seems to enjoy some form of (sneaky) irony, self-mockery, sarcasm, just basking in the strangeness of it all, turning his life into satire, seeing how far he can take things, whatever the hell he's doing (that I’m all totally here for) really. So I don’t think that of all things reading and appreciating and even referencing fanfics would be a step too far for him. And you know what, I don’t even think it’s weird at all. I think the way the media and GP projects their ideas of him onto him / into the world is probably something weirder to deal with than some fics that are much closer to what he's really like, or at least written in a much more positive way, also just larry i mean, I imagine it might actually be refreshing to read that even, like people are writing/talking about him, actually him (im actually doing it now actually you're reading it now FOURTH WALL) constantly all the time, I really don't see why the idea of him reading fics (and enjoying it so much he wants to reference it / identifies with it / is inspired by it) is then the weird bit. If anything I'd say that's an escape from how he's normally perceived, if that makes sense. This is probably just me tho. My guess is the idea of the actual people a fic is based upon reading it makes some readers (or writers for that matter) uncomfortable, like it's written inside the fandom bubble for the people within that bubble only and should stay there. Maybe, maybe it depends on the fic hah. Anyway! TTS references my beloved always.

[a-slut-for-smut]

what are your top 10 relationships in aot?

Hmm very interesting question anon- thanks for asking! Idk if i can really rank them since i only have the one OTP, but i can certainly give my 2 cents on the most popular pairings, according to the interwebs.

2 things to keep in mind:

i dont hate/dislike any pairing. I dont care enough to waste energy doing so. I like what i like, other people like what they like- simple as that, i cant understand why its so hard for ppl to grasp this concept

You may be wondering about my recent tag usage because ive been tagging a lot of diff ships- mainly for my anti-SNK139 shitposts. Just had a wild idea that maybe- JUST MAYBE, we could all put aside our differences and just have a laugh at our shared misery. Because idk how any of us are supposed to be happy with this ending. I mean, upon reflection I see what Isayama was going for, but idk its just tough to swallow unlike Levi's fun juice. Which, in my opinion, should be taken as a compliment- the man set the bar so high with the previous arcs that our expectations were thru the roof despite a rushed final arc, and he just...missed the dunk? Anyway hot take, i know.

Ok i digress- to the ask, in no particular order:

Levihan

Cute ship, very fluffy. Who doesn't like best friends to lovers trope? And theres no denying they have mutual respect for each other, which is a huge kink of mine. Honestly, its hard for me to ship a pairing if it isn't evident. That said, does this pairing get my ovaries going? Eh, not particularly but i still likies

Erehisu

I was behind this ship mainly because i was sold on Eren's "Walter White" villain arc. What better catalyst for a dramatic change in character than if their child was involved? The idea that Eren went full Hitler because he got Historia preggers and wanted the child to grow up in a "free" world? What parent wouldnt sell their soul for that goal, given the world they live in? And Historia- grappling with the knowledge/morality of Eren's plan but for the sake of the child? Prime for character development. Not to mention all the blatant crumbs. But Isayama went NOPE.

Eremika

Oh boy. So, firstly, i would have readily accepted this ship if Isayama laid off the one-sidedness a bit. But he didnt. And while im sure there are instances that can be interpreted as mutual affection, i dont see how that excuses all the times Eren snapped at her/just generally annoyed with her attentions. Like, we dont know his POV at all until the very end which retroactively you can say, oh he didnt want to cause her future pain? But by then its too late for US. And in the end (im not clear on this tho/too lazy to check) was it ever made clear to Mikasa that he reciprocated her feelings? Im prob biased/self-projecting here, but I would NOT have stuck around on the off-chance that the dude is faking his disinterest?? Even if he did save my life and is my childhood friend! You dont owe someone love because of that, but because of how you mutually treat one another. Anyway i woulda taken the fucking hint and moved onto Levi's dick, i would never put up with that nonsense

Eruri

These 2 are bonded, to say the least. They hold each other in high regard and i love that about any ship. Good stuff.

Ereri

Doesn't do much in the ovary-dept for me relationship-wise, but man, this ship is popular for a reason. The fanart for this ship is TOP TIER 

Yumihisu

Again, they regarded each other highly and theres no denying they deeply cared for one another. Sometimes love doesnt give a shit what genitals you happen to have, why cant ppl understand this? We all got hearts and souls, that counts for something??

Aruani

The energy for this ship is a little tepid for me. Maybe because her ass was stuck in a crystal 70% of the story, but i liked pre-crystal annie alot. If anything, i preferred her dynamic with Eren more, mainly because Eren respected her so much and she contributed a lot to his character growth in the first arc. Just my preferred dynamic for a ship. Also she kicked his ass so much i was beginning to think he was into it

Jeankasa

Dont mind it at all. I think it lacks a certain degree of intensity that i prefer in my ships, but theres def mutual respect there and im all for it.

Jeanpiku

Thought this was a cute ship that came to bloom in the later chapters. its intriguing dynamic- falling in love with the (former) enemy kind of way.

Rivamika

Uh. Where to start. Actually i wont because this post is long enough as is. Just peruse my blog if you're actually curious ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[saipng]

re7 anon, im bad with horror in general so im progressing really slowly but i genuinely thought losing hands was a re8 thing and i felt quite bad for ethan when he lost his left hand like .. he got it back but also i wish he could keep his hands. also if you don't mind me asking, why is re8 a bad game? i dont know anything about this franchise i just jumped straight into the 7th game with 0 knowledge

man oh man how i WISH you hadn’t asked that, for both our sakes. cuz now it is 5 am the day after my birth and there is no way that i am not going to go into an overtly long rant that idk if anyone will care about. but hey, you brought this upon us, so.

without spoilers, why is re8 a bad, bad game?

well, you see. that is simply because it is not a game.

it is a part of a franchise.

listen. listen here. what the hell is that supposed to mean???

there are plenty of franchised games, right. just because a game is part of a franchise, or even a sequel to another game, obviously doesn’t make it automatically bad.

the reason re8 is bad, however, is because that’s all it’s meant to be. it is a sequel and a prequel to yet another sequel. it is not a game.

because, if you look at it from the point of view of a self contained game, it is bad.

the story is all over the place. absolutely nothing is answered or explained, and only more questions are created with the promise to be explored in future games. new characters are introduced only to be very obvious sequel baiting, and absolutely none of them are explored beyond the surfacest of surface levels.

moreover, the reason for things to happen simply isn’t there. the story is so bad, the characters in canon literally cannot explain it to you. the reason is ‘just cuz’. it feels like capcom threw all of their budget into rendering every follicle on dimitrescu’s tiddies as opposed to actually creating a cohesive narrative that doesn’t fall apart at the simplest probing.

see, the reason that re7 worked and re8 doesn’t was because re7 was a GAME. any person, even a person like you, who has never heard of anything resident evil before or even cared about the franchise, could jump in and enjoy their experience with it. the horror works, the story works, the characters work. the pacing is immaculate. i’m not saying it’s a perfect game obviously, but it WORKS and it is FUN. and, for those who DO know resident evil, you get the hints and implications and the lore and even a familiar face and eventually, the dlc. it was an AMAZING reboot to the franchise.

re8 though? re8 assumes you’ve played all of resident evil games before and you’ve enjoyed them immensely and you want more and you will play again and again and again.

im not saying that a game, especially a sequel, has to be completely free of references or call backs to previous games or work alone without any previous knowledge. i mean. that’s not how sequels work.

but in the end, they’re still supposed to make sense. a game is supposed to be that - a game. doesn’t matter if it’s the first or eighth or seventeenth.

re8 feels like a weird wobbly bridge that you got across before the other side is finished building. it is awkward. it feels incomplete, stitched together from different concepts and ideas. they brought back ethan winters only to have no idea what to do with him. they introduced the lords only to be short term hype generators. they shoehorned in chris redfield because he is chris redfield and it really doesn’t matter how much he doesn’t fit.

in my humble opinion, the game needs to be at least 5 hours longer for it to actually start making sense. at LEAST.

the characters, protagonists and antagonists alike, need to actually be explored, the pacing fixed, flimsy writing tied together, map expanded, puzzles actually added in. then, it would be a better game. i don’t know about good. but definitely better.

that being said, you may be thinking. why the HELL is everyone obsessed with this trainwreck????

well, because we’re all mentally ill, that’s why.

okay, serious answer - because the less the assholes give us, the more power it gives us to project and play around. they created these extremely fun concepts and didn’t bother developing them despite the enormous potential and that pissed us all off. well, me. it pissed me off.

and, as we all know, NOTHING motivates me more than spite at this point. so me and the other content creators basically ripped the lords and ethan and rose and all the others out of capcom’s undeserving hands and said ‘okay thanks ours now’.

because dammit, resident evil village could have been SUCH a good game. the idea of it is FUN and we all love it.

the execution? perfectly terrible.

and again, i’m not saying that you’ll hate it. i think you can, and should play it (or at least watch a playthrough). and moreover, i think you’ll enjoy it. i think you’ll have fun, still. i think you’ll like it a lot, as did many others.

none of that erases the fact that it is still very much a bad, bad game.

now, i could go more into how the horror elements greatly suffered because of capcom’s desperate need to rehash re4, or just how much of re4 they actually ripped off and shoved into this game; i could talk about how ethan winters (and mia, to an extent) is a terrible character in this game and reason he works in re7; i could talk at extent why the bakers were truly scary and the lords very much arent; i could even mention all the unnecessary mechanics and how much they truly contributed jack shit to the experience.

i could, but i’m not gonna. this is long enough as it is, and i hope it all made sense, at least somewhat. i tried to not include any spoilers (as much as was possible).

and i also really hope i didn’t dissuade you from giving re8 a try.

because, like i said, it’s still fun. capcom gave us steel beams and pieces of plastic and said ‘go wild’ and we built our own playground. it’s like that post that’s like ‘this amazing new restaurant everyone talks about and you finally go there and they serve white toast bread and everyone brought their own jam’. literally that.

but it can be so good, if that’s something that you can be into !!!

oh and. this is my own personal take on the game, of course. draw your own conclusions, yada yada. but if you’re bad with horror, you’ll find this game easier to digest for sure.

anyway. periodt.😩✌️