#anyways why am i venting on here?
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ah. help.
(tw sa mention in the tags)
#so#pretty sure my friend lost her virginity last night#(not sure she hasn’t said anything yet)#but if she did#i know for a fact she’s gonna be hella annoying about it this week#bc she’s annoying about everything#but this is different#bc she’s gonna be bragging about how she had sex and how the rest of us are virgins#(two of us aren’t be she doesn’t give a shit she just wants to be better than us)#and i am going to be super uncomfortable if she talks about this nonstop (bc she will)#bc of. experiences. i’ve had.#that she knows abt. and that she has insulted and joked abt before.#and im terrified she’s gonna do it again in front of all of our friends#and i can’t take that i can’t fucking take that#she’s an idiot and she doesn’t think about what she says before she says it but that doesn’t matter bc there are some things you need a#filter for and she doesn’t seem to realize that#anyways i’m terrified of going to school tmr bc i don’t wanna deal with that#like yay i’m happy for u that u had sex with a guy you’ve been dating for two months! now please shut the fuck up!#anyways why am i venting on here?#bc i don’t wanna tell my friends bc they’ll think i’m a hypocrite#i’m the one friend who makes sex jokes and is the ‘horny one’#bc i’m hypersexual bc of my. ‘experiences’.#and they’ll think i’m a hypocrite if i tell her to stop talking about sex when that’s what i talk about a lot#so i’m just gonna suffer and pray she doesn’t say something to upset me#k.txt#vent tw#sa tw
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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again
#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining#once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol#like idk how to be friends#i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely#and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have#actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality#i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again#because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it#pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic#how do i start living again#how does one live anyway#im just in my head all the time#this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness#im so stupid!!!#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself#im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself#but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go#idk how to be a person anymore#i’m just sad#thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result
#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii#ii 2#ii 3#inanimate insanity cabby#. that's it#i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself#of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore#i am too broken to even be a good friend#hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately#i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now#i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten#i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore#i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing#i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn#cw vent#cw sui mention#i guess#mhm. i think i need a therapist
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getting into actual angry arguments: awful. terrible. going to be thinking about it for the rest of the day. leaves me seething about what I could have said differently for the rest of my life.
getting into friendly debates: ohhhhhh enrichmennce.. :) mine brain is so full and thinking..........yippie yaaaaaay!!!!!!
#dichotomy of ME!!! love arguing but also i hate arguing.#aka i got into an angry argument today because my normally conflict-avoidant self had her foot metaphorically stomped on too many times#and i decided i was fed up and stood up for myself#like .why bold face lie to me like that i'll kill you. and a lie that directly fucks me over? who do u think i am#Sorry I'm still seething about it clearly SHDGKLJSDHG it was like. 7 hours ago and I'm still ranting to myself about it#anyway. URHGHHH sorry for venting real life stuff on here I try not to do that#but I GOTTA be mad somewhere about this stupid argument it's currently PLAGUING me#self doubt demon in my brain whispering horrid deceptions. Die 1 million deaths. ok i'm done now.#clamtalk
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I greatly respect every single person who can have multiple well-written, multifaceted, lore-heavy OCs because that shit is hard fr. If I try thinking seriously for more than 2 minutes I get sad and a headache. y'all are some real ones
#lighthearted post im not venting here BSKANSJSJ#this is because. im trying to make more wizard ocs. i came up with their names JKFAKAKAJAJ#i look at other peoples ocs bios and im like “WOW!!!! i wish i could think like that :D”#IDK WHY THIS IS SO HARD is this like a universal struggle or am i alone in this#other than general appearances and a few facts thats all my ocs have to them JAKSBDLEKE theyre empty husks#do other people struggle making ocs and plots or is that just me being dumdum /j /lh#ANYWAY. this post isnt important but ne prepared for new characters from me. they will surely be Things#I GOTTA PRACTICE DRAWING AGAIN TOO SO I CAN DRAW THEM. OR GET MONEY SO I CAN COMMISSION#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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Alright, I don't want to be a dick (and that's half the reason why I'm not answering this ask properly and censoring the user's name; I don't want to throw them to the wolves over poor wording), but I just have to say this: if you're going to send in an art request to me, please at least do me the basic decency of being polite about it. I am doing them for free and out of my own spare time, so I am under no obligation to make them if I don't want to.
The way this particular request is written feels like the equivalent of a 'please update' on a fic or like I'm some sort of AI art generator you're putting a prompt into, and it absolutely turns me off wanting to make art for you, which I won't be doing for this one. I'm sorry to be pedantic over phrasing, but I have to set some boundaries when it comes to requests, and this is one of them.
#ask#art requests#personal#vent post#sorry to be rude but this ask just kinda annoyed me with how it was written and i needed to say something#i have fun making the critters but I'm not just here to churn them out for people either#thank you to everyone else who's sent in a request and been very lovely about them#knowing you enjoy my art and will enjoy what i make for you is why i like doing them at all#so yes to anyone else in future: i am but a humble artist who likes a kind word or two to inspire my creation#even if it's a few hearts or just a quick little thank you. i don't mind. so long as it's not written like this#and to the person who did write this: you're new to tumblr so i can understand not being great at asks yet. but please be kind to artists#simple kindness can go a long way#anyway that's all. :)
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Realizing I'm literally cycling through the 5 stages of grief because of that episode
#I'm upset bc of this anime#like i dont think i have ever been so emotionally affected by a show before#i cry from shows and other media all the time but this GOT to me and i hate how stupid it sounds to be like#but i am legitimately upset 😭#it's got me in a deppressive spiral#like partly bc i have not been in the greatest place emotionally anyway but fr how they gonna do em like that#how am i supposed to work on my Master's capstone project now#i just been switching back and forth from here and twitter to vent about it#5 stages of grief#buddy daddies#buddy daddies spoilers#buddy daddies ep 10#why did this show hit so hard gd#i am a mess now#i am literally crying#plz let ep 11 and the rest of the season be happy#like i cant#and if kazuki and rei lose each other (bc rei's dad is still against Kazuki so i doubt he's just gonna let them chill) i will never recover
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kicking and screaming FREE ME ALREADY
#tw vent#vent#PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE#i dont wanna do this anymore and i have to wait 3 weeks to actually leave#threeeeee weeeeeks of heeeeeeell#like i said: i genuinely could care less anymore so me? studying? lmaoooo lololol#the only thing im afraid of is more getting yelled at and being treated as incompetent#yeah babey!! i sure am incompetent!! and that is why!!! i am leaving !!! i hate ALL OF YOU#as i said before: all things i do lately is judt for expectation its not even like 'for my future'#i just want this done asap#anyways sorry i just needed to vent this.#internets still bad here too 😒#the guy was supposed to fix it 4 hours ago but um. didnt show up lmao#im sorry lately if i seem really down rhese days#i know i said im gonna try to be positive (at least i still have happy logs)#but Man.
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i just want to know if anybody else on tumblr is taking health and social in college because i am, and today we had to fix our feedback except (this isn't me bragging.. i promise.) i didn't have any, and i am literally never in lesson - i always waffle, but like maybe it's cause of all the extra explanations and definitions??
#i am so confused.#if i do so well here why can i in my english lessons?#i wanna cry.#but like i do kinda wanna brag-#hehe.#🤭😭#college#i hate college.#this morning i spilt milk down myself and had to change and then i got stuck in the rain#but then my mum brought me mcdonalds#and then i had a test so my teacher let us leave an hour hour#so i got to have a second lunch and i saw my friend from another class#then i thought i was going to class late but the teacher was late#OH!!#i also forgot my english book but it didn't matter#anyways..#during lesson the teacher basically ignored me cause she was helping other people.#and then she was like if you've done this you can leave but i left anyways.#so i got home at 5 and only finished it at 8 but like idk if i was even supposed to do half of the work i did in the assignment#and i still have 3 tasks.#DID I TELL YOU IT WAS MY FIRST DAY BACK?#personal#vent
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venting in the tags bc of my gOD
#i feel so stupid#whyyyy why am i crushing for the first time in years#and is on someone who i have no chance with!!!#i dont even know if they are bi or just gay#i feel like im the whole circus pleaseeeee#also pretty sure the more they talk to me the more they think im annoying#i can do this#why am i not a boyyy why do i have to be enby and fem presenting hhHHHH#anyways venting here bc we are moots everywhere except for here i think so#personal
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it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.
like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.
#this post brought to you by me considering making a different vent post and stopping for fear that everyone will jump down my throat with#that same 'baby steps! self-care! if you're tired just do a little bit every day and you'll get better at it! take your life into your#own hands!' that everyone here always says. i can't kyle. i have post-exertional malaise#curseposting#salty jungle cat noises#i don't know. maybe i'd be less annoyed about this if i hadn't had to deal with a year and a half of everyone around me telling me to#Just Exercise More And You'll Feel Better when i KNEW that would make it worse. and that one awful speech therapist who was convinced that#just wasn't trying and if i tried harder i wouldn't have brain fog. (he didn't SAY that but he made it very clear anyway.)#and having to On Purpose ignore all the academic advice i was getting because it was actually making it harder for me to succeed in school.#what am i some kind of alien. am i so different to everyone else that all advice ever does more harm than good. what#this is why i have issues with trusting authority#vent#*sigh* man i wish my collection of disorders were less obscure
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In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!
#i am losing my sanity day by day#drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day#why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about#don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha#ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't#fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess#am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story!#i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow#vent ig#my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol#nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays#at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig#anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs#when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop#anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go#please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you#i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just.#all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this#for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect#and care made me expect it more? fuck#i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person.#everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things#long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider#my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at#at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person.#my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got#to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me.#this is showing so many issues.#so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12#i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering
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they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh
#i mean what mental illness isn't dosghit#anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar#that's what my therapist thinks anyways. and it makes sense considering the lil manic episodes i have#so um. that fucking sucks but it also explains everything so its fine really#like i really really want to do drugs actually#i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling#i'm working on art but nothing i'm making means anything#can i just get permission to do a shit ton of stimulants#i am sooooooo bored#i'm really trying to make myself feel better here but only with things that'll do it instantly#anyways i want to not smoke because i am running out of weed and money#but i'm gonna smoke delta 8 anyways rn because even after all this caffeine etc i feel nothing and i need something#honestly can i just pass away though. i am so pathetic#or can i actually become hypo manic again. because at least i felt something#anyways does anyone want to be friends with me even though i am severely mentally ill#or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit#vent
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hi i'm extremely exhausted (<- fighting the horrors) but auraboas good 👍
#gremlin blabs#was rendered completely speechless upon seeing scuttle (in a very positive way)#i think they may be another favorite#why do all my favorite ancients start with a. how'd that happen.#but yeah hi i am still here. still on fr. just going through my own personal hell atm lol#i mean i have been for most of the year it's just Worse rn#ANYWAY. no need to vent over here lol#my auraboas were both very good surprisingly#rng decided to be nice to me which i am pleasantly surprised by#i did trade one of them with my brother tho#because he does breeding more often and he ended up with two f poses#and i ended up with two m poses#so we swapped lol#i may actually breed mine tbh. but idk we'll see#will post them both shortly tho because they're really good
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