#or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit

[newwave-lesbian]

they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh

[girlwithwolftatoo]

Helllllooooo can I make a hc of how the boys react with reader having nightmares? I get some pretty horrific nightmares after SA trauma and I gotta deal with them alone every night….

Been there for mental health issues too, I hope you can find a way to get a better sleeptime <3

Moon boys + reader having nightmares

Jake Lockley:

*He's a night owl, prefers night to do his tasks, and taking an eye on you is one of them.

*The first time you woke up after a very bad dream, Jake helped you calm down with some sort of success, telling you the usual "it's jsut a dream" "everything's fine" and stuff, patting your head until you go back to bed.

*But since nightmares keep haunting you, he learns to develop some manners to help you deal with that. His fave form is cuddling with you until you fall asleep, as if he's sure your mind will remember he's near and there's nothing to be affraid of 'cause he's taking care of you.

*Hey may take you to a night walk by the city. Yeah, there's real danger outside but he can literally beat the shit out of them, and the walking can last until you have the need of sleep.

*I've mentioned Jake likes music, so don't be surprised if he sings to you in his calmed voice for you to rest (it'd be something like this )

Steven Grant:

*Our softest boi knows about nightmares and how they can be devastating, so after he witnesses you in a middle of a crisis, he's ready to enter in action.

*Asks for permission to download some sleeptime apps in your phone and explain to you how to use them.

*Places comfy blankets and, if you don't have one, buys a plushie you can hold onto while sleeping. "I heard it helps increase the serotonine in the brain... or was it dopamine? Lemme check out but yes, it helps"

*Is a Taweret plushie BTW

*He doesn't have a problem if you wake him up anytime a nightmare taunts you. Once you grab his arm and call his name, he'll ask you what's wrong and spend all the time you need to calm down, talk about your dreams if you feel comfy about it, and will kiss and caress your face until you can sleep again.

Marc Spector:

*He has tried to shush away his pain for a long, and recognize the symptoms of someone who's having heavy tr*uma issues. He'll go straight and ask about it, just to be sure.

*His pursuit is that people around him has a good life (like he told Steven) and will make sure you, his most important being, doesn't have to pass through a living hell alone.

*Will encourage you to search for profesional help and go with you at sessions if you're up to. Marc knows better than anyone the consequences nightmares can bring upon people.

*Gives you soft rubbing on the back and shoulders after a nightmare. "Hear me, you're safe here, okay? You're safe, nobody's gonna hurt you, I'm here"

*Will try to distract you if you want to, having a small chat or watching movies or, why not, making out without going further.

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[bigphatpussylips]

AO3 Fic Finding Strategies: Notes from a fanfic enjoyer

I've been actively reading fanfiction for a long time now and I noticed some of the different ways I choose to browse my preferred fanfiction platform, Ao3, and have given them silly names.

The Author Stalker- Take that author whose work you liked and go though every available work/bookmark/collection/tumblr ect. You can find. 

I find most of my "diamond in the ruff" fics this way. I don't know how many amazing fics I would have never found if I didn't click on someone else's bookmark simply because I thought they had good taste based on their writing. 

My preferred method of fic finding on most days.

Fresh Fish- Sort by "date updated". Refresh obsessively.

I use this when I'm searching for the serotonin that comes with an update notification in my email. Really good for those looking for active authors/fics. Makes me feel vaguely passive in a way, like a bear trying to catch a salmon by standing still with their mouth open. 

The Indecisive Girlfriend-  Load any and all tags/filters ect. you know you don't want into that handy exclude box. I often add more as I encounter them while I browse. 

Ever ask someone where they want to eat and they say "anything", but every restaurant you suggest gets turned down? Yeah. Sometimes you have to use (and abuse) the process of elimination. Can be exceedingly laborious depending on the amount of tags you wish to avoid that day. Often well worth it though.

The Tall Order - An opposite to The Indecisive Girlfriend method. For when you know exactly what kind of fic you want to read. Add every possible tag/filter/archive warning ect you can think of for your hypothetical fic. If you don't get any results the first time remove tags until you do! 

While not always successful, I usually find something similar enough for the effort to be worth it. Akin to going to Starbucks and ordering the most cracked sounding drink you can think of just to see if they'd actually make it. 

Rainy Day Fund- Going through your Marked for Later folder.

I often send fics to the "marked for later" folder for a variety of reasons. Either the fiction wasn't what I was looking for but sounded interesting or it sounded promising but I wasn't sure. Regardless, I often let this collection of fics accumulate until I'm having a dry spell and re-reading my bookmarks isn't doing it for me. This has saved my poor, dopamine starved, ADHD-riddled brain from content starvation on many occasions. 

Tag jumping- Exploring the fandom specific tags. 

I don't ever start out browsing this way but I end up doing it often enough. Clicking through fun looking tags leads to some weird rabbit holes but I find the BEST au's this way. 

Testing Murky Waters- Giving previously passed over fics a second chance.

For when I'm feeling brave. Or I've just passed over this particular fic a hundred times already and I'm curious. 

The Catalog- I sort by kudos but you can use any sorting option. Exclude any triggering tags. Start on "page one" and scroll through every fic till you reach the end. I call this strategy the catalog because I'll write down what "page" I'm on so I can pick up where I left off.

I only do this if I intend to sort through every fic I can get my hands on for a specific fandom tag. Hyperfixations baby. 

Does anybody else do shit like this? How do you find you fav fanfic?

[matcha-blossombrainrot]

So then, @matchablossomweek huh? Sadly I didn’t have the first prompt done in time and we’ll see if I can get any others done. But enjoy this for now

Kojiro glanced at Kaoru with a questioning look. All day his friend had been avoiding him for some reason and it was starting to worry him. Kaoru just shook his head and smiled. Nothing seemed particularly off about him except for the thick metal bracelet around his right wrist. Occasionally it’d glow pink and he’d talk to it, call it Carla. It was common knowledge that Kaoru was messing with A.I. so it was likely that Carla was a test of his skill. Kojiro sighed and stood up. “Kaoru-”

“Master, your heart rate has increased significantly within the past 10 seconds.”

Kaoru’s eyes widened as he stared at Carla. “Will you quit that? I know all this already! I really need to work on that.”

“Why are you so flustered about this?” Kojiro crossed his arms and sat on the desk next to Kaoru. “I think it’s really impressive that you’ve got something this functional already. Though I do find it a little weird that you named it ‘Carla.’ Don’t you think it’s creepy to give it a girl’s name?”

“Well, I mean…” Kaoru rubbed the back of his head and stared down at his feet.

“A significant increase in norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin have been detected.”

“Carla!” Kaoru huffed and tore off the bracelet.

“And that’ll do what exactly? It doesn’t look like it has an off switch.” Kojiro gave a small laugh.

“Yeah yeah, I know. She’s still a work in progress.” Kaoru slipped Carla into his bag.

“But what was with all that chemical shit?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m not entirely sure myself.”

Kojiro gave Kaoru a disappointed look. “One of your favorite things to study is chemistry, don’t even pretend you don’t know.” He didn’t notice it at first, but looking closer there was a significant red tinge to Kaoru’s cheeks. “Hey, are you feeling alright? Your face is a little flushed.”

“Huh?” Kaoru shook his head and waved Kojiro off. “No no, it’s nothing!”

“And you’ve been avoiding me all day. At first I thought it was the whole Carla thing, which is still really weird if you ask me, but now I’m starting to wonder if you’re sick.”

“I’m fine, really. I guess I just haven’t been eating enough or getting sleep, but that’s it. And it’s because I’ve been working on Carla and not because I’m hopelessly lovesick or anything! Definitely not in love with you, why would you ask that? That’s such a weird thing to ask. Are you sure that you aren’t the one who’s got something wrong? I’m sorry I missed it, but I’m sure I can help now that I know.”

“Kaoru.” Kojiro gently grabbed his friend’s wrist. “Something is definitely wrong, and I’m not going to let you stay here and get worse. Come on.” He pulled Kaoru out of his chair, grabbed his bag and led him out of the classroom.

“Kojiro, really I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t matter at this point, I’m taking you home and making sure you’re okay.”

Kaoru could do nothing but watch the back of Kojiro’s head as he led him through the halls and out the door. Suddenly Kojiro stopped. “Wait, did you just tell me you were in love with me?” He whipped around to face Kaoru, letting go of his arm.

Kaoru put up his hands in defense and took a step back. “I swear it wasn’t, it wasn’t anything. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“No, no.” Kojiro inhaled sharply and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not upset, I’m sorry I reacted like that. I just never expected it to be you.”

“What does that mean.” Kaoru took another step back, his heel catching on the curb. He let out a yelp of surprise and stumbled back.

Kojiro immediately moved to catch him, wrapping an arm around his waist and grabbing his wrist again. “Be careful, please. I don’t want you busting your head in because of my stupid gorilla brain not reacting properly.”

Kaoru stared up at Kojiro, never having seen his face this close before. The light that caught his eyes made them appear to glow a soft crimson and he couldn’t bring himself to look away. There was something behind his soft expression. A kind of warm and loving look. Kaoru’s breath caught and his heart beat faster in his chest. If there was ever an opportunity, it was now. He took a quick breath, grabbed Kojiro’s face and pulled him into a kiss.

It was unexpected, to say the least. Kojiro stood frozen for a few seconds before moving a hand to Kaoru’s back and returning the kiss. At first the sharp metallic tang of his lip ring was off putting, but the longer Kojiro held Kaoru’s lips in his own the sweeter it seemed to become. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against Kaoru’s. “You know, you suck at this.”

Kaoru’s eyes shot open and he smacked Kojiro. “Actual asshole. Are you okay?”

They looked at each in silence for a second before laughing.

“Do you even know how to respond when someone kisses you like that?” Kaoru doubled over and held his stomach. He pretended to wipe a tear from his eye.

“I got nervous! And what was with your slapping me?” Kojiro propped himself against a wall to support his weight.

Kaoru wheezed. No coherent sentences were exchanged for the next few minutes while they collected their breath and composure. Once completely calmed down, Kojiro offered his hand. Kaoru gave him a skeptical look but took it, intertwining their fingers.

Kojiro glanced over at Kaoru with a loving smile. By now the sun had set and the soft glow of the moon reflected sharply off his piercings. He could definitely get used to admiring the small things about Kaoru. As he turned back to the path ahead he swore that no matter what happened he wouldn’t let harm come to the man he’d grown to love so much. As long as they were together, nothing could happen to Kaoru.

[portraitoftheoddity]

So yesterday was World Mental Health Day, which had me thinking about the last ten years, and the fact it’s the decade anniversary of my descent into my last major mental health crisis. 

10 years ago I was a fucking MESS. I was off my meds, rapid-cycling manic-depressive, self-destructive, and in full blown nervous breakdown mode, and a few months from total suicidal rock bottom where my family had an intervention and there was serious discussion about having me involuntarily hospitalized. 

And a decade later, I’m okay. 

It felt like the end of the world then. It felt like I was going nowhere except into a conflagration of my own making. I felt doomed. Like this was as good as it could even get and nothing would get better. Like I was a monster that wasn’t worth saving.

And all of that was wrong.

I eventually got out of the high-stress environment that I was in. I got medicated. I worked on applying techniques I learned in therapy to manage my anxiety and mood spirals. I identified my episode triggers and how to avoid them. I figured out how to control my own behaviors so my mental illness didn’t hurt the people around me. I developed a strong support network. 

All of this took time. All of this took work. And all of it took me deciding that I didn’t want to let my mental health define me; that my suffering wasn’t a part of my identity, and wasn’t something I needed to make me special or creative or any of that shit. It was just suffering and I didn’t deserve it. 

Sometimes I fucked it up. Sometimes I backslid or went off my meds and ended up crying on the floor at 3am over an infographic about the distance between an atom’s nucleus and its electrons. But I made progress. Ten years later, overall, I’m happy. I have my life more or less together. 2020 is weird and upsetting as shit but I’m managing and I’m glad I’m alive. My mental illness is still something I have, but it doesn’t dominate my life.

And the truth is, I still have bad days. I still have to keep a close eye on my moods and my sleep schedule to make sure I’m not edging into an episode. I still have days once in a while where I’m so depressed I have to call in sick to work because I can’t get out of bed. I have days or weeks of anhedonia where I feel numb. I have the occasional panic attack. “Bad brain days” happen. But! I know that they’re just that: Bad brain days. My serotonin and dopamine are fucked up and it’s not my fault, and the sky isn’t actually falling, and it will pass. It always does, however shitty it feels at the time. (I’ve come to think of it like the weather -- sometimes it’s raining in my brain, and sometimes it’s a big old storm, but no rain lasts forever and the sunny days will come back eventually.) 

And I’m not sharing any of this for hugs or sympathy or any of that -- because I’m okay! 

I’m sharing it so that if you’re reading this and you’re not okay, hopefully this will give you some reason to believe from someone who has been there: it can get better. Mental illness can be managed. If you’re hitting rock bottom, remember that means there’s nowhere to go but back up. 

Hang in there. 

And in ten years, write a post about it. ❤️

[bigskydreaming]

I don’t often muse upon PJO, but when I do, its random as hell. 

Anyway, tonight’s thought (singular, also: derogatory, as in very possibly a mistake) is about exploring aspects of the Greek gods that are extrapolations of like, what they’d be like in the modern world instead of just in terms of their ancient myths.....and how that might widen the scope of their demigod children and their powers.

Like take Hephaestus for instance. God of the forge and fire, of invention and artifice......now widen the scope on those things through the lens of the modern age.....might he also be considered the god of modern science, not just in terms of things like engineering and technology, but also physics, chemistry? Or would those things fall more under Athena’s purview......unless you separated them into finer divisions. Like, you could consider Athena’s overview of knowledge and wisdom to make her the goddess of science and higher learning or whatever in general........OR you could separate it like.....Hephaestus is the god of natural or physical sciences like physics and chemistry, and Athena is the goddess of not just wisdom and tactics but things like psychology, computer sciences, etc.

Or OR get Dionysus up in there too, and make it like Hephaestus is the god of chemistry, of chemical reactions and the like, Athena is the goddess of physics, of the most full and complete understanding of the physical universe via things like the unified field theory and its comprising forces of electromagnetism, strong and weak nuclear force, etc, and then Dionysus the god of biology, hmmmm.....

Cuz imagine then, demigod children of Hephaestus, where instead of pyrokinesis, some get powers like transmuting elements.......oh man, the things you could do with that??? Not just lead into gold but they’d be terrors in battle because they could transmute the very air someone breathes into chlorine gas, blood into acid, flesh into stone. Or using that power defensively, making them able to keep guns from firing by dampening the chemical reaction that comes from igniting gunpowder, or just knocking someone out or putting them to sleep by just tanking their metabolic reactions. Mingling magic with modern know-how and creating their own version of truth serums by turning the water someone drinks into something akin to sodium pentathol when just brushing their fingers against someone’s glass, or rendering all drugs or toxins that might have been slipped into their drink null and void by transmuting them into harmless H20. 

(I know that Luke was mentioned briefly as being good at making potions aka alchemy due to being a son of Hermes, but frankly, transmutation as a mastery of the periodic table makes waaaaay more sense for Hephaestus’ kids, I’m just saying. And plus the Greeks didn’t so much consider Hermes an actual god of alchemy as they more just kinda viewed him as their god of all things miscellaneous and tended to lump anything they didn’t have particularly strong feelings about and/or a grasp of under his umbrella. Hermes was really just the patron god of being random as fuck and oh great gods of Olympus I have no idea what I want to do with my life, give me a sign. Hermes: poofs into existence on their shoulder and says SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO GO BE GAY AND DO CRIME YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, DIVINE MANDATE, LETS GOOOOOOO).

Give children of Athena more practical applications for being heirs to her wisdom, knowledge and strategic acumen by also giving her dominion in the modern age over humanity’s quest to better understand the universe we live in and all its rules, the ins and outs of the laws that govern reality itself.......thus Annabeth and others’ potential acumen for magic being here not the end result of them stepping on Hecate and her kids’ toes, but rather more a function of making them the embodiment of ‘magic is just sufficiently advanced technology’ as they - via an innate and heightened understanding of the very nature of the physical universe - find holes in the fabric of space and time that let them slip from Point A to Point B as easily as crossing the street, play tricks with gravity and relativity and things that leave others baffled and amazed and them just shrugging and being like its all in the wrist, dude, and also, the fact that our mom just GETS reality in a way that everyone else will still be playing catch-up to a thousand years from now.

Children of Dionysus (yes I know he barely has any shhh we’re not paying attention to the series we’re just musing on demigod powers here) who combine the godhood of grapes and revelry with loud music and laughter......the way music can help with plant growth, because music is essentially just VIBRATIONS and vibrations stimulate activity in plant cells in a variety of ways.....and thus similar to Mr. D’s tricks with controlling vines and rapidly growing plants, AND his ability to affect the psyches of others, which is described as inflicting or curing madness and I’m like ehhhh do we have to describe it thus though.....put all that in a pot, shake it, not stir, and abrakadabra, alakazam, other psychic pokemon random Psyduck shout-out and voila! ALL of that could be afixed to and made the end product of godly and demigodly control and manipulation of vibrations, cuz Dionysus is literally the god of just vibing in all its infinite forms.....and thus its all just about how vibrations affect plant life on a cellular level, how they can affect brain chemistry in a variety of ways, triggering a lot of the more primal centers/functions of the brain, etc. You kids are driving me crazy, he’d yell at his demigod kids, and they’re like umm wow, like ACK CHOO UGHLY, father, welcome to the 21st century, all we’re really doing is directly stimulating the prefrontal cortex of your cerebellum with our banging rock music, and its making you angy, what about it?

And speaking of actually, if we and by we I mean me cuz I am and its wheee, are theorizing about Athena’s brood getting to be all magical wunderkind whizkids with their scientific acumen and divine cheat-sheets for the physical universe, maybe Aphrodite and her kids could snatch up those psychology and psychiatry job titles instead. Love, desire, also things like obsession, hyper-fixation......is Cabin Mighty Aphrodite really just pheromone central or are its campers more like magical dopamine and serotonin factories just pumping out good vibes all around them, being like come hang out, its free brain juice. Like, imagine kids of Aphrodite who just by their mere presence could help the legions of ADHD demigods focus better, concentrate easier, get shit done because the goddess of passion and her children like....have the gift of helping people to more productively pursue their passions in ALL forms, not just the physical desires they hold for others but the passions they hold for arts and crafts and sports and y’know, saving the world on magical coming-of-age quests when their milkshakes bring all the monsters to the yard. 

And then Ares not just as a god of war and conflict, but of entropy....the tendency of the universe to trend towards disorder, randomness, uncertainty....the kind of things that so often incite or enflame conflict......but applied at large not just to interpersonal dynamics but to the world itself. With his children possessing demigod abilities that disrupt or weaken bonds, both in the form of emotional ties between allies and commitments towards various ideals or courses of action, but also the ability to PHYSICALLY weaken bonds, resulting in an enemy’s weapon falling apart at a touch, or increasing the instability or volatility of an object so it blows up akin to how Gambit of the X-Men’s powers work and can turn even playing cards into a weapon, etc, etc.

And don’t even get me started on Hermes! No, seriously, don’t. Mostly because I haven’t thought that one through yet and I got nothing. I mean I got some things but they are nebulous and have yet to spring forth fully formed from my head like Athena from the fuckhead of Zeus, that absolute fuckhead of legend and yore. In my defense though, I haven’t like, eaten any primordial goddesses of thought and memory, so.......like, idk, I’m taking the longer route here I guess.

[laryna6]

So, one of my health conditions that causes the fatigue has a go-to medicine for treatment. I was on it for awhile, but I aged out of my parents’ insurance, and the pharmaceutical company used patent fuckery to keep people from making generics, so it was way too expensive for me to afford and once I got state insurance the state insurance was ‘we’re not paying 900+ a month.’

My new med person used some kind of medicine coupon info site and found that one grocery store chain’s pharmacy would give it to you for $23 a month if you handed them this coupon he printed off for me.

So yeah, this witchcraft is apparently a thing, and holy shit. So many things that I’d plan ahead in journal as ‘this is going to be the big project for most of the day’ actually take about five effing minutes and you can be on to the next thing if you don’t have to spend hours trying to boot up your brain so you can force your body into submission and make it get up even as it bitches that it is Dying and Needs To Lie Down.

I did enough things that it did legitimately get kind of taxing and I was woozyish in there even keeping my water intake up. But like, I got all this done on six hours of sleep, too?

Wow, it made me miss when I was only dealing with depression and I’d cross ten things off my to-do list in one trip to campus.

But like, Getting Things Done is A++, no wonder the brain rewards us with the good shit. ‘I had a problem! I now no longer have a problem! Look at all these things I no longer have to give a fuck about (for another week in the case of cleaning/laundry, but)!’ And getting to feel Competent is great for the self-esteem.

Anyway, I highly recommend Getting Shit Done when you can, and keeping a journal where you note down the stuff you did to make sure your brain gives you credit for your accomplishments. In addition to the serotonins, the dopamines are important to mental health, important enough that people who retire and suddenly find themselves without Shit To Do and can’t find other Things To Get Done are the demographic most at risk of suicide.

Someone said that ‘there’s no such thing as lazyness’ and honestly that’s 100% correct. Human brains are wired to love Getting Shit Done, so people who are just pleasure-seeking aren’t going to lie around doing nothing. Doing Nothing is unnatural for humans, so if it seems like we just don’t ‘want’ to do things, There Is A Reason. Sometimes it’s ‘I’m busy crossing ‘recharging the batteries’ off the checklist’ and sometimes it’s the disability that takes more people out of commission than anything else other than actual death.

[flourgirl]

When We First Met

Part I of “The Unbelievers” series

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: You’re the new intern at Stark Industries and you’ve made it your mission to figure out just how Peter Parker became Mr. Stark’s favorite.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: A slow burn with a few curse words thrown around.

A/N: This fic helped drag me out of my writer’s block, so I really hope you guys like it! Happy reading <3

“Have you been talking for a million years? Did I go deaf because you're burnin' my ears? Spare the details, it's unnecessary I got places to be and people to see” -It’s Not All About You, Lawrence

The first time you met Peter Parker, he was actually tolerable. It was your first day at Stark Industries, and you had just gotten your job assignment as Pepper’s assistant’s assistant. In other words, you were about to spend your days making coffee runs and changing out ink cartridges. 

“Hey, uh, do you need some help?” he had asked as you struggled to carry two boxes of printer paper all the way to the copy room on the other side of the building.

“Yeah, for sure,” you huffed, not being able to see who your savior was over the stack of boxes. When he took both of the boxes out of your arms, you were met with his dopey grin and wavy, brown hair.

He’s cute, you thought. But all you dared to say was, “Thank you so much. I felt like I was about to die.”

The two of you shared a laugh at your dramatics before you continued walking.

“No problem. I was headed this way, anyway,” he replied nonchalantly. You caught yourself staring at how light he made the boxes seem. He must’ve been a lot stronger than his baggy, oversized sweatshirt made him look. “Are you new? I’ve never seen you around before.” 

Peter had to slow his pace down a lot to let you catch up to him. He wasn’t used to taking casual strolls around the office, always having to run over to wherever Mr. Stark was at a moment’s notice.

“It’s my first day, actually,” you admitted, offering him a weak smile. You weren’t much of a conversationalist, especially not when it came to cute guys who looked that good in sweatshirts with dorky math jokes printed across the front of them. “Are you an intern, too?”

“Yeah! I’ve been working here since I was fifteen,” he told you, leaning against the doorway of the copy room. “But I don’t do anything too important. Mostly just fly under the radar and do what Mr. Stark tells me to.”

Your eyes widened. “Whoa, you work directly with Mr. Stark? You must be one important guy.”

Peter blushed, not knowing how to backtrack out of the hole he had just dug for himself. “Uh, not really. We’re not like friends or anything. It’s just, Mr. Stark knows about all of my science fair projects and—”

“You aren’t making yourself sound any less impressive,” you interrupted, crossing your arms and narrowing your eyes at him as he set the boxes down on the counter. “So, Einstein, who are you?”

“Parker. Peter. Shit, sorry, it’s Peter Parker. I have to go now. Bye!” he blurted out, running from the room before you could even tell him your name.

A girl who looked about your age slipped into the copy room, startling you out of your confused state. “Were you just talking to Peter Parker?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?” you questioned, hoping she’d have some sort of explanation for why he acted the way he did.

“He’s basically Mr. Stark’s surrogate child,” she said, sipping one of the many coffees that she was carrying. “I’m Grace, by the way.”

“Y/N. What do you mean by ‘surrogate child?’”

“It’s like, everywhere Mr. Stark goes, so does Peter. That thing with you and him was basically the first time any of us had ever seen him next to a printer, and he’s only talked to a handful of us once or twice. Guess he’s just too busy being the golden boy to associate with the less important interns.”

Of course. The first chance at a cute office romance that you get is squashed by the fact that the guy you like is an antisocial jerk. But that’s not how he seemed to you, so why was his reputation with the other interns so bad?

----------------

It had been one week since you started working, and every day you learned more and more reasons why everyone hated Peter Parker. He didn’t make coffee runs and nobody had seen him at an intern meeting in the last year. And yet, somehow, he was the CEO’s favorite. It was annoying, to say the least.

You actually hadn’t seen Peter around ever since you had first met, which only helped to confirm the rumors that he’d rather eat lunch alone than be forced to talk to any of you. You hated that even when Grace or anyone else wasn’t dragging Peter through the mud, you were still thinking about his stupidly adorable Queens accent and whatever the hell he could be doing that was so important.

Of course, the next time Peter decided to grace the cafeteria with his presence was when Mr. Stark had just arrived back from a business trip to Germany. Figures that he would take his favorite on the trip of a lifetime. Your bitterness grew as you imagined Peter relaxing in the company’s private jet, but it wasn’t until he held up the elevator that you really started to hate him.

“Hey,” he panted, slipping into the elevator just before the doors closed. Once again, your hands were full, this time with a stack of folders meant for Pepper to look over. “You’re that new girl. Sorry, I don’t think I got your name.”

“You didn’t,” you noted, turning to look away from him in the hopes that he’d get the message. You weren’t interested in giving him the time of day.

“Did I do something to upset you?” He rubbed the back of his neck while he waited for the answer that you didn’t plan on giving him.

The awkward silence between the two of you was starting to feel especially long when the worst thing possible happened. Loud creaking noises came from the elevator shaft, shaking the two of you as the cables screeched to a halt.

“You have got to be kidding me!” you groaned, setting the files down to press the emergency call button. You had luckily never actually had to use one of these things, but that also meant that you had no idea how to work it.

“Hi, I’m here with another intern and we’re currently stuck in the elevator on the west wing, between floors four and five. Could you send someone over to get us out, please?” You pleaded into the little phone, bitterness lacing your voice.

“What do you mean it’ll take two hours? What do you expect us to do, sit here and play checkers?” You could feel your face heating up as you panicked over the fact that you were going to be stuck in this metal death trap for a while.

Peter walked over to you, leaning against the wall of the elevator to take over the conversation before your attitude extended the wait to three hours. You begrudgingly handed the phone over to him.

“Hey, could you put Mr. Stark on the line?” You couldn’t hear what the person was saying, but you could guess that it wasn’t very positive.

“Well, tell him it’s Peter and…” He looked at you, mouthing for you to give your name.

“Y/N,” you muttered, continuing to pace back and forth as the tiny box that you two were stuffed in started to feel smaller and smaller with each minute that passed.

“Y/N. Five minutes? Alright, thank you so much, Alice! Have a great day.” You were irritated by his effortless charm with others, despite how awkward you knew him to be.

“Um… thank you.” You rubbed your arm awkwardly.

“Are you okay? You seem a little on edge.”

“I’m fine! I just… really need to get out of here.” You wanted to keep pacing back and forth, but you were too busy hyperventilating to think about moving your legs. Peter watched as your eyes started to water, not sure about what he could do to make you calm down.

He stepped closer towards you, which only made you feel even more anxious than you already were. You didn’t want him to see you like this.

“Y/N,” Peter whispered, wrapping his arms around you. You looked up at him in surprise, your eyes probably red and puffy from crying.

“What are you doing?” you sobbed, leaning in closer to him. It was comforting, but you were so embarrassed that you were crying in the arms of a complete stranger.

“Well, uh, I know that hugging someone can release endorphins, more specifically dopamine and serotonin, that calm them down. And it relaxes the muscles, and I know that when babies hear their mom’s heartbeats they feel better, so I just thought—”

“Peter.”

“Yeah?”

“Please stop talking.” You leaned into the hug, taking in the clean smell of his sweater and how warm he was. Little by little, your breathing slowed down.

“Okay,” he agreed, holding you tighter, one of his hands gently stroking your hair in the comfortable silence that had filled the elevator.

You almost forgot about where you were when the elevator jolted upwards, causing you to wriggle out of Peter’s grip and pick your files back up off the ground. When the doors opened, you scrambled out without a word.

----------------

“Hey, Mr. Stark,” Peter began, fiddling with one of the many decorations around Tony’s office. “I… I think that, maybe, I should be doing, you know, more intern-y things around here.”

Tony cocked an eyebrow, looking up from his computer screen. “Let me get this right, kid. You’re asking me to give you random tasks to do around the office?”

“Uh, yes?” Peter answered, unsure if he had just made a big mistake or not. His confidence was dwindling by the second.

“Now, why on earth would I do that? What if we need Spider-Man for a mission, but Peter Parker is too busy getting some jackass down in HR a peppermint mocha latte?”

“Well, I mean… I just… Some of the other interns are getting kind of mad that you don’t make me run errands or come to any of their meetings, and I’m just worried that they’re getting a little bit too suspicious that I’m always with you and—”

“If I say yes, will you please stop rambling?” Tony groaned, returning to finish typing whatever Peter had just interrupted.

“Yes,” Peter squeaked. For once in his life, his inability to stop talking had been beneficial.

“Fine. Here, go sit downstairs and take the staples out of these packets. And then re-staple them.”

Peter immediately perked up again, excited to be someone other than Spider-Man to Tony. “Right away, Mr. Stark. Thank you so much! Bye!” He quickly ran out of the office and downstairs to where he knew some of the interns liked to have their lunch breaks.

“Is that Peter?” you heard Grace ask in between bites of her panini. Your head perked up to see his head tilted down, making only his soft brown curls visible from where you were sitting.

You squinted, wondering what kind of task had him so engrossed, and why he was sitting over here. He never sat here, especially not while you were eating lunch. Carlos, who interned in accounting, glanced over at Peter before taking his seat across from you.

“Parker sure does seem interested in removing staples all of a sudden,” he laughed, unwrapping his tortilla wrap from its aluminum foil. 

You couldn’t believe it. He was just pretending to be doing something. “That’s it? You’ve got to be kidding me.” Before your friends could stop you, you were marching over to Peter’s table, tapping your foot as you waited for him to notice you.

You cleared your throat, finally catching his attention. “Hi, Y/N,” he grinned, looking back down to meticulously bend back the small metal arms of the staple, freeing the sheets of paper from each other.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Taking out staples.”

“Is this some kind of joke? Some weird way of you proving that Mr. Stark totally doesn’t give you special treatment or something?” Peter got nervous, realizing how quickly you had caught onto his ruse. He needed a way to distract you and fast.

“You, um, you look pretty today,” he told you, not even looking up to meet your cold stare.

A blush started to spread across your cheeks when you realized what he had said. Surely the quick glance he had just given you wasn’t enough for him to actually know what you looked like today.

“Nice try, Parker. You barely even looked at me. Showering me with false compliments isn’t going to stop me from figuring out what the hell you’re actually up to around here.” You countered, satisfied that his plan wasn’t working as well as he wanted it to.

“Didn’t need to look. You’re pretty every day,” Peter replied calmly. He didn’t even realize what he was saying until it had come out of his mouth. It was true. He thought you looked nice every time he saw you, but you didn’t seem to take his compliments very well, and so he never told you.

But you didn’t know that he actually meant it. He’s just messing with you, you reasoned, regaining your composure.

“Whatever,” you huffed. “Just some advice: next time, you should try to come up with something better than taking out the staples of packets that clearly never had any problems in the first place.” 

He peered up to see you turn on your heels and walk back to your friends, who had been carefully watching the two of you this entire time.

“Was that a lovers’ quarrel?” Carlos teased as you sat back down. You rolled your eyes at him, and Grace giggled at your insistence that nothing was going on between you and Peter.

“Yeah, it looked like things were getting a little hot and heavy,” she added.

“Shut up, you guys. We definitely are not lovers,” you assured them, digging back into your grilled cheese.

“Sure. So if there’s nothing going on, then why did Yuri tell me that he saw you guys making out in the elevator on the security cameras?” Carlos asked, making you snap your head at him mid-bite, your eyes widening.

Fucking Yuri. All of those security interns were just nosy and power-hungry, but you’d have to deal with him another time.

“We were not making out! We were just stuck in the elevator and—”

“You guys decided to have a romantic embrace?” Grace questioned, only further exasperating you. “Come on, Y/N, just admit it. You have a crush on Peter.”

“No, I don’t! I wouldn’t date Peter if he were the last guy on the planet,” you yelled, suddenly aware of how loud you had become. 

You looked around the room to see many confused faces staring back at you, including Peter’s, which had a frown on it.

You watched as he collected his stack of papers and walked out of the room, staring so hard at the floor that he almost ran into two women who were walking by.

“Geez, Y/N. We were only joking. It’s okay,” Carlos said, holding back a laugh at your little scene.

“You guys suck,” you huffed, settling down to hopefully enjoy the rest of your lunch break in peace. 

You needed to forget about the way that Peter had looked at you just a minute ago, full of hurt and disappointment. He didn’t actually care, you thought to yourself, even though you weren’t quite sure if that were true.

----------------

Taglist: @hommyy-tommy @itsgonnabeohtay @alltimekyn @allycat449-blog @greatpizzascissorstaco @dummiesshort @parkerpeterparker2004 @letssee2468 @yourbiggestspiderfan @orangesodafoam @alytavzla

P.S.: Please shoot me an ask or a reply if you’d like to be added to (or removed from) the taglist!

[thomcantsleep]

Being Proud of Myself

I was overwhelmed over the weekend by the response to my post about my experience with autism. It’s the most notes that I’ve ever gotten on Tumblr before and it was only in a couple of days and I even got a couple of messages from people saying that they related to the experience which was especially very cool. It’s exactly what you want to see and hear when you write something like that because enabling other people to start a conversation about things like this is massively important to our society.

It all gave me precious happiness and serotonin that made me feel warm and fuzzy so thank you if you read it.

After talking about it a lot and letting everyone in my life know that I reached a milestone, I got a funny feeling. It felt like I was relishing in the numbers game instead of just being happy with what I had wrote and what I had said. Essentially, my ego was stroked which I don’t react well to. I don’t like feeling proud of something that I’ve done. I thought about the alternate universe where that post got no attention whatsoever and if I would feel the same way and the answer is definitely not. Whilst it was definitely great to hear other people’s stories and talk about the world of being diagnosed with ASD which is something that I’m very passionate about, I was happier with how much attention it was getting on comparison.

It made me feel like not a great person because I don’t really do this for attention. Part of the reason that I left Twitter was realizing that I was uncomfortable with the proverbial points system where you are rewarded with dopamine shots every time someone “likes” your post. I didn’t like that because it was fake happiness and you are effectively encouraged to achieve that fake happiness at any cost. That’s why people often pin their most “successful” tweet to the top of their profile like a trophy.

But this sensation that it was giving me was similar and I got those pleasure chemicals every time I checked Tumblr and I had a bunch of notification bubbles. I shouldn’t feel pleasure with the big number but rather, with the people reading it and relating to it.

The problem with me is that I’m not used to feeling proud of myself. I remember only really beginning to recieve compliments and atta-boys when I was in my mid-teens and I got a taste for it. Really, I should be happy with myself because I’m enough without needing props from exterior sources. Instead, I get lost in the feeling. With the assistance of the internet, I get carried away with myself. I’m far better now that I used to be because I learned to teach myself that I can have self-worth outside of all this.

It also isn’t helped by being autistic because I often don’t know what or how to feel about things. I have a detachment from happiness because whenever I do feel happy, I find it oddly embarrassing and I feel vulnerable when I smile. An off-shoot of this is that I wouldn’t know happiness if it slapped me in the face. I feel like I should have a voice lingering over me to tell me that this is supposed to be a happy point in my life and that I should feel happy. I feel weird about being proud as well.

I remember everyone around me being excited and interested in me publishing a book. I got heavily embarrassed and I feel embarrassed writing this now because it feels like a petulant humble brag for me to just randomly bring this up now. I just need some kind of example. People told me it was good and I felt happy with myself but it didn’t feel real because I didn’t achieve happiness myself through my own ends.

Which is of course, a ridiculous thing to say because I did achieve it myself. I spent a long time writing and working on something, making it good and then I published it. My work paid off because it got largely a good response. The funny thing is that if it got largely negative response, I would’ve thought that I deserved to feel like shit and I think that’s because it’s more comfortable and easy for my brain to assume that I am without worth and prosper. Happiness is unfamiliar. It feels risky and dangerous.

Perhaps, if we all embrace the happiness, we’ll then take the smooth with the rough and adjust to the serotonin levels in our body. If we don’t, then we won’t treasure happiness when we have it.

How we do that? I dunno.

Sorry.

[thepancakeboi]

An Unexpected Growth Spurt

So it barely took five minutes before this idea by @hetyra sent me down the rabbit hole of getting ideas and hyperfocusing on it rather than my current stuff. Whoops? No regrets. These types of fun reactions, where Ren is being such a goddamn menace towards Goro, are among my favorite to write. I will disclose this right now: I know very little about the storyline of Persona 5 Strikers outside of “sequel set in the summer after Persona 5 events″. As a result, it’s only there as a timing thing and a reference, but it’s fine. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this writing that gave me dopamine and serotonin in spades!

01/01/2018, 10:39 AM > Ren: Meiji Shrine it is! I can’t wait to see you.

I keep looking at that last text over and over as I stand here by the torii, awaiting Ren’s arrival. It’s been over a year since I last saw him. I’m lucky I was even able to get in touch with him, but...was coming here a mistake?

I’m not the type to get nervous, but I never thought I would see him again. With everything that happened between us, he shouldn’t even want to meet up with me. That and he probably assumed I was dead. The last time I saw him was in the engine room of Shido’s Palace. That place should have been my grave, yet somehow I had survived. I hadn’t told anyone. Truth be told, I hadn’t wanted anyone to know I was alive.

I...simply wanted to disappear.

Even now, I have the urge to leave before I can potentially reunite with Ren. Whatever had come over me last night, in that spur of the moment decision to text Ren after a year of silence, is gone. This whole idea is a mistake. He has much better ways to spend his time than wasting it on me. He’s probably been with his precious friends doing who knows what. There’s no way he needs someone like me in his life. He’s got all the people he could ever want. That’s it. I’m leaving now, before-

“Goro? Is that you?”

I freeze. His voice is a little deeper than I remember, but I would know it anywhere. I turn around, my heart leaping in my chest at seeing Ren. Although he’s not wearing his glasses this time, he hasn’t changed a bit. Even his hair is as unkempt as ever. It’s almost like I went back in time, to days where I wasn’t his (attempted) murderer. There are so many things I want to say, but all I can manage is a simple, “Hey, Ren.”

And he grins. Yet another thing that hasn’t changed: that beautiful smile. I can tell he’s barely stopping himself from running and pulling me into a hug as he approaches. I’m thankful for his restraint. There’s no telling what my reaction would have been. “Hi, Akeppi.”

I huff, shaking my head. “I was hoping you forgot that damn nickname.” And me as well, some small part of me silently adds.

“You know you like it.” Smug as ever, the menace. “I missed you. Where have you been? You never told me.”

Straight to the point, I see. I had very purposefully avoided the dogged questions about how I was alive or where I’d been. It didn’t seem like the type of thing to discuss through instant messages. This needed to be a face-to-face conversation. “I was at a rehab center, believe it or not.”

“You were?”

Nodding, I force myself to continue. He deserves to know what happened. “It’s outside of Tokyo...and it’s where my mother would go. I went there on Christmas Eve without an appointment, but they accepted me anyway. The only time I had left between then and now was when I heard word that you were being detained.”

“Oh?”

“I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing. After all, you did change Shido’s heart for me. So, I helped your friends track down the woman in your assault case.”

“Wait, did they know you were alive and didn’t tell me?”

“No, nothing like that,” I reassure him, letting Ren know that his friends hadn’t kept my survival a secret from him. “I gave them what information I could find, anonymously, of course. They probably wouldn’t have accepted it if they knew who it came from.”

“Come on, give them a little more credit than that.”

I don’t think I can, especially when two of my victims had been Futaba Sakura’s mother and Haru Okumura’s father. “Either way, what about you? You’re a third-year now, yes?”

“Yeah. A lot’s happened since...” He stops for a moment. Something tells me the reason he stopped isn’t pleasant. Could it be he was about to say “since our last fight”, or something of that caliber? He quickly snaps out of it, though, beaming once again as he continues. “Oh, I saved Christmas by summoning satan to shoot god in the face!”

If he were any other person, I might have figured him insane. Even so, I can’t hide my surprise as I stammer, “You...what?”

“We went into the depths of Mementos to find its treasure. Never want to go there again. And then we fought the holy grail, which was really a god who was controlling everyone. I summoned this huge Persona, Satanael, and we shot god in the face!”

I chuckle at that. It all sounds so impossible, yet anything’s possible in the Metaverse. “If only I could have seen such a sight.” Upon seeing Ren’s melancholy look, I quickly add, “What else happened after that?”

“I went back home in March.” He doesn’t seem too thrilled about that detail. I know he preferred living at Leblanc over with his own parents, who never seemed to contact him while he was on probation. “And then I came back for summer vacation with the rest of the Phantom Thieves. But then the Metaverse came back, and these places called Jails were showing up, and...well, it’s a long story.”

“Perhaps for another time. Your life certainly has been interesting.”

“I wish you could’ve been there, but I’m happy you’re still alive. I...didn’t know what happened to you. Everyone else thought you were dead, but I just couldn’t believe it. I kept hoping that you weren’t. I really did miss you, Goro.” And I believe it, somehow.

“I apologize for not contacting you until yesterday. I know I should have. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through, and-”

“It’s okay!” he replies, a little too quickly. It makes me wonder how he handled my supposed death. I won’t pry. If he wants to tell me one day, it’ll be when he wants. He finally pulls me into the hug he’s likely been waiting for this whole time, gently running his fingers through my hair. “Your hair’s shorter than before.”

“Is that a problem?” I know it’s only a simple observation, but I can’t help but assume he doesn’t like it.

“No. I just noticed. That’s all. You look cute with short hair.”

“I’m not cute,” I immediately retort.

“Are too.”

“Well, you haven’t changed a-” I pause. Some small detail is pulling at my attention, but what is it? “Wait a minute. Did you...?”

“Did I what?” he asks, clearly as confused as I am.

I move out of his embrace to back up a few steps, looking at his footwear. He isn’t wearing heels, which means... “Have you...grown since we last saw each other?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, a little. Why?”

“How much?”

“I dunno, five centimeters?”

“Damnit,” I hiss. “Who said you were allowed to have a growth spurt!?”

Clarity lights up his face as he realizes the reason for my irritable reaction. “Oh, right. You hated when I was taller as Joker. Does it bother you that I’m taller than you now?”

“Shut up.”

He laughs. “I love it. It’s nice seeing you as the smaller one.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

He fake gasps. “He swore! Are you angy, my adorable little detective?” he asks, his voice sounding all cutesy. Goddamn menace.

“What do you think!?”

He is obviously smug that he’s now taller than me by two centimeters. His grin only widens as he pats my head. I try to smack his hand away, but he moves it away before I can. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Even more so since I’m taller than you.”

“Infuriating as ever,” I snarl, my patience running thin. He’s being so cocky that I want to fucking strangle him. “I should wear heels just to be the taller one.”

“I don’t think you could.”

“Is that a challenge, Ren?”

“I dunno.” He shrugs, but I see right through the gesture. He knows exactly what he’s doing. “You tell me, detective. Is it a challenge?”

“I think it is, and I don’t intend to lose. I can and will wear heels. Watch me.”

“Even if you did, I could just wear heels as well,” he replies with a shit-eating grin to match his tone, “and run in them, too.”

I sigh in frustration, crossing my arms. I hate that I know he’s right. The Metaverse is enough indication of that. “You little shit.”

“You’re the little one, not me.”

“Shut up, Ren.”

“Make me,” he says as he gets right in my face, smirking as I instinctively lean back. “You could always kiss me into silence.”

There’s no hiding my flushed reaction to his suggestion. “You fucking wish, you idiot,” I snap, trying to ignore just how hot my face feels.

“Yeah, I do, my little tsundere pancake.”

Oh, of course, he had to mention the pancakes. Of fucking course. “I hate you so much.”

“I still don’t believe you. We both know that’s a lie.”

“Damn you and your two centimeters,” I say right before I recklessly kiss him on the lips.

I can see the ever so slight surprise on Ren’s face. He hides it well. His mirth at the unexpected kiss is clear as he asks, “Now, was that really so bad?”

“Yes.” No.

“Why’d you do it, then?”

“To get you to shut up.” I’ve been wanting to for a while now.

“Sure, sure,” he laughs. “Hey, would you want to get some lunch together? My treat.”

I’m glad he asked first. Truth be told, I wanted an excuse to spend more time with him. I’ve missed Ren more than I care to admit. “Sounds delightful. You can choose the location, but I’m paying.”

“Hey, no. I’m buying lunch, and you can’t stop me.”

“I’m paying, and that’s final.”

“Okay, how about we leave it up to chance? Whoever ends up with the bill pays. Deal?”

“Very well. You have a deal.” I’m still not letting him pay, though, even if it means resorting to more...underhanded methods.

He takes my hand in his, the small gesture of affection almost causing me to tear up. No one’s cared about me like Ren has. I don’t deserve it, but I doubt arguing that with him would get anywhere. It would be fruitless. All I can hope is that he’ll be happy around me.

And, for the first time in a year...I smile.

[igonecrazy]

I feel so frustrated right now!

I don't know what the fuck to do! It's a good thing I don't know how to drive well and don't have a vehicle I could drive coz man I feel like I could be on those road rampage videos right now!

I just I feel so powerless.. everything is spiralling out of control. Covid..nothing I can do. Colossal covid mismanagement by the government..nothing I can do. I could say I could do something about my studies but I've been so fucking incapacitated by everything I haven't done that I've been fucking wearing it like chains around my ankle and I don't feel like I can undo it even tho I know I can.

I think I'm having hallucinations..I constantly think I saw something move in my periphery..like a smol bug or something but the I turn to look and it's nothing. I guess I need to bring it up with my therapist? But would it even be....I dunno..

I can't listen to song these days..they feel too drowning..there's times I want to drown out my thoughts but it's the songs feel stifling and I feel emotionally detached so can't connect and hence can't enjoy them..

I am tired of the news..there's nothing good you can find out there it's just one shit show after the other and I mean you'd think there has to be a limit at how incompetent the world can be but you'd find out it's just a endless pit of incompetence stacked one over the other and every country is just comparing it's stack with the other and shaming the ones with the higher stack.. meanwhile collectively we're all just falling.

I'm out of serotonin man..I just I wanna go back to January 16th and experience that serotonin hit..I just have my hormones all over the place and hence I get too easily addicted to things that give me pleasure and I can't sleep or focus. I can't get into this right now why I think that but I just....also currently my hormones are all over the place..I just had my period and it fucking sucks..

Also, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life..what I want to do with my life..I say I want to do something but then I show no commitment to it..maybe I should just settle for something I can achieve..maybe I've just been overestimating my abilities all along..I can't even get through one fucking article without getting distracted and wanting to close it and open something that gives me some dopamine..and I want to do something that requires me to constantly read!?

You see everything I've mentioned above....I didn't talk about my body but boi the ridicule that I've to endure because of the body I have is just..and I'm not talking about outside.. internally..me myself..am enough to reiterate everything I've heard even when there's no one else to tell me that..

I can't save this world I can't save the people in it and I can't right the prejudices so long ingrained in people's brain's that I wasn't even aware of..I'm talking casteism and communalism..and and these are people who believe in god..if believing in an entity encourages you to disregard and dehumanise other people..maybe you need to question the benevolence that is projected by that entity and those that believe in it.

I could scream but I get silent when I'm frustrated/angry/annoyed..I guess it's the suppression mechanism that I adopt but..if I were to talk to someone physically I probably wouldn't be able to get this out.. because then I would happily accept the distraction and focus on something else that we could talk about instead of getting all this out of my head. But then I think maybe I just think too much and that dwelling on everything that's going on in my head just gives it more thought than necessary..even though it's not like if I don't give it the time of the day that it goes away..it just festers..

I typed kill me..and see it's not that I mean it..or I would do anything..it's just that I know I wouldn't do anything..my life instincts are too strong.. so I just sometimes beg the universe to just drop a fucking rock on the earth and end it.. But then I think the universe would give me one of those painful deaths and I'm afraid of those so I don't really put much heart into it.. although there was a time in my life I used to beg the universe to just fucking end me already..but then I'd miss accidents by a hair width and I'd be thankful..

I am just confused and trying to strain the thick soup curdling in my head rn..that some would call thoughts. But it has the consistency of those cream of blah blah soups..

[btswishes]

What we were and what we are

One Shot/ Random

A/N: Take it as an emotional dump. I will put a keep readying line since I don’t think anyone would want to read this. XD Have fun anyways if you wish to stay friend. Who knows maybe it could be a Yoongi x Reader , friends to lovers story, idk. 

Word count:   2,535

Playlist recommended for this : Jin-Epiphany   Big Bang- Loser  Big Bang- Blue   at the end you can try BTS- We Are Bulletproof The Eternal

Warnings:  dark, anxiety, talk of trauma , be yourself please

                   ----------------------------------------------------------------------

  The sky was covered with soft cotton candy like clouds, tinted in the colors of the ending day. Oranges, reds, blues, yellows, you name it it was there. The wind was warm and but a whispering tender sensation over your exposed skin. The grass pillowing your body under the roughly placed cover, as your head moved up and down by Yoongi’s breath. Laying onto him felt like a antidepressant pill to you.Time had stopped. He was leaning onto his left arm as you both were looking up at the sky. His free hand from time to time brushing over your hair. 

“Your mom is calling.” he said taking a glance at your lit up phone screen

“Leave it.” you didn’t even use all the breath in your lungs with this sentence. 

“Shouldn’t you pick up tho? I mean she is your mom.” Yoongi’s eyes now focused onto you 

“Nah man, she is probably mad at me for something. My mom or not, good or shitty relationship, no matter how much parents say ‘i understand you’ or ‘i was your age once too’ .It never works, telling them anything ends up being a pain in the ass later. Asking for help when you fuck up is the same.” you tried following a lonely cloud with the corner of your eye

“I guess them not accepting that something is wrong with their kids is a defense mechanism.” 

“That fucks us up tho. Just because they want to lie to themselves to feel better, leaves their kids untreated and undiagnosed ,messing them up. Years of being bullied and not knowing why, can’t study even if they try, can’t be themselves. Such an easy solution, yet such a hard choice to make to take the first step.” you sighed as you spoke out, a bit of disappointment mixed in with your breath. 

“Ha ha ha.” Yoongi laughed under his nose before laying back down 

“The fuck did I say?” you cut him off, thinking the giggle was a bit displaced in this talk

“And when you take the first step? What then? The so called professionals lie to us too, give us chemistry and tell us all will be ok as they turn us into addicts to fake serotonin. Psychologists? The word comes from Greek meaning the study of the soul, yet those assholes look at us as bags of meat that you can stuff with pills. Yet we would do anything to get that drop of calmness, that feeling of being a bit happy for being alive right now. And when the effect passes? You want more and more, pill after pill, pharmacy after pharmacy. What difference is there between us people with anxiety and disorders and drug addicts? The medical degree probably.” 

  You smirked after his last words “ Not all doctors are bad, but you can feel how genuine they are, the rest are health merchants. I don’t think there was a difference in the first place. Drugs, alcohol, smoking fuck it, even sex, man. It’s all to fill that void with dopamine, serotonin and all the bio crap.” 

“Isn’t that chemistry tho?”

“We learned it in biology class so it’s bio to me. Do I look like a professor to you?” you rolled over and flicked his nose earning a ‘yah!’ “Hey.” 

“Wasup?” Yoongi pulled his hand from under his head and spread his arms wide like a star in the vast sky. 

“You know that thing where people ask you, if you saw your younger self in front of you right now and they were having the same feelings as you. What would you do?”

“I don’t know honestly, probably give the little guy a hug and some money ,or buy him something to eat. Someone out there for sure has it shittier than me, but I guess one of my mistakes was to undervalue my own emotions and mental state. Fuck, i got myself in such a hole. When people say ‘after you hit the bottom there is no where more to go but up’ , honestly that is straight up crap and bullshit. Some of us keep clawing and digging fearing that there is more to come. “ 

“Ah.” a memory popped up in your head on it’s own “That shit hole. Yeah, either you lose yourself laying there with bloody fingernails and hands, or you start crawling back up like a bug. You know, the blood is gonna stain the walls so next time you fall you will remember and catch yourself...if you make it that far.” lifting your hand, you covered a bit of the sky with it, noticing the colors around it “What about the times we reach out but no one grabs on?”

“Fuck! Y/N! We were supposed to have a nice walk in the park not a whole ass depressing talk session!” Yoongi hissed out, unlike his words his voice wasn’t angry

“Oh come on, you know that somehow we always end up talking about this shit.We are both broken pieces, but I think that isn’t bad at all.” you felt his breath stop under you for a split second “I feel like that is why we fit so well together.”

“Oh for real?” he asked a bit surprised by your words “I always thought it was because we were both hella toxic.” you swung your hand and hit him in the stomach “OOF!” he folded in half, sending you sitting up “I forgot how aggressive you were too.” Yoongi’s voice was coming from between his teeth.

“I am serious! I feel like we went through our hard times and learned to manage, that is why we can talk about all these things like this.” 

“Makes sense, we were each other’s shoulder. You start falling, I pull on you and the other way around.”

 You noticed the contagious smirk on his face that mirrored onto you almost instantly “We fall together, we crawl back up together. Damn we sound inspirational.”

“I told you! We should make one of those vlog channels where people wake up at 5 am looking like damn models, meditate and finish all their work before 11am.” throwing your body back you fell onto the cover, but Yoongi didn’t join you. He staid sitting, letting you focus on his back as he continued “You know we are losers, right?” 

“The biggest losers out there.” 

  He looked towards the sky letting the wind play with his hair, when suddenly you both burst out laughing. Your voices were so loud the birds flew away. “Yeah, we are.”

“Honestly tho Yoongs. Why did we care so much what people thought of us? I mean sometimes I still do but-”

“Same, same.”

“Don’t cut me off stupid!” you kicked him a bit “As I was saying!” you emphasized on ‘saying’ ,when he pinched your leg in retaliation a couple of times “Body types, dudes, girls, genderfluid or no gender at all. Being cute or stylish, pretty or ugly, was a mad waste of time. The nerd is gonna probably become rich, the ugly people will end up becoming better lookin that those basic Karens. I swear, even with all that bulling and people wanting be to be the top. With or without them the Earth keeps spinning .”

 “Did you just discriminate flat earth people!?” he gasped cartoonish “Y/N, i didn’t know you were this type of person.”

“Yah! You really out here trying to cancel your best friend, Min Yoongi!” 

“You don’t need me to do that, you already do it yourself with the stuff you say.”

“Says you, loser.” your words made him lean onto his elbow next to you, eyes focused on your face as the colors of the sky began fading over your bodies and skin 

“I like that word, loser.” he said “It sounds rude, but at the same time no one calls you that if you aren’t different. Different means unique, special. Who tf would want to be the same as others?”

“That was us too stupid, back then.” Yoongi pocked your cheek a couple of times gently 

“Yeah, but it’s not back then anymore Y/N. It’s now. We grew up. With our jaw and fist clenched we fought and made it here. They shot at us, they threw rocks and called us cowards, weirdos. But we made it through the darkness. After all that we are and will forever be bulletproof.” the sudden rustle of the grass under you two signaled him getting up and spinning, hands to the side. His head leaned back and he looked so happy. Yoongi’s eyes were closed, he could fall and not even notice, but he wasn’t afraid no more. Whatever happens will happen. 

“You make us sound hella dope man. I love it.”

“Anxiety, social issues, any kind of mental problems and disorders. They level us up, as long as we try. At the end of the day you lose something to win something.”

“The end of the chapter is the beginning of the next.” you began to notice he was starting to lose balance from all that spinning around “Hey stupid, you will fall and hurt yourself like th-” you couldn’t even finish the sentence when his legs tangled up and he fell onto you “You ok?!That was such a stupid move! Open your eyes next time!”

“Why?” he became serious, his eyes looking into yours. Yoongi crooked his head to the side,as his fingers caressed your cheek “If I was looking I would have been too afraid to fall. At the end of it all i ended up failing and found a little angel. See? Win win to me. You can’t always see where you are going, but you gotta believe that good things are on the other side.”

“You are bleeding, that is what is on this side.”

“I am WHAT!” his forehead was a bit scratched “Damn it! My handsome face!”

“Oh come on! Wait till I glow up like that! I will get the best looking SO out there.” the child in you was pouting at Yoongi

“You know damn well we are too messed up for a relationship with others. We try and try, get used and then we either lose interest, or fall completely out of love for months. By the way...” his fingers found your cheek again, but this time it wasn’t a gentle poke but a sharp pinch. Your hands flew in the direction of his arm to try and make him let go of you. “Who told you you don’t look good?”

“Ow ow Yoongi! Let me go!!!”

“Not until you tell me who said all that crap to you!?” prying yourself from his grip you continued rubbing the now red and warm spot

“People i liked or others in general. You know how shit goes.” 

“You for real need to get your eyes checked! People stare at you when you walk by cus you look TOO good.” his words were like a low growl of a jealous pet

“Nah man, they are either judging me or they want to fight me. There is no middle ground here.” 

“You really!” with all the power in his hand he flicked your forehead 

“Stop inflicting me wounds!”

“Then stop talking shit about yourself! I swear your bodydismorphia needs to join Jimin when he has talk sessions about his day with Hoseok.Plus, people do stare at you when you walk in town in the attracted way. On our way here at least 5 people turned back and continued looking.”

“Ew creepy!” you said “Why do you count them!”

“You little!!!Come here!” your neck found itself in a chokehold in a matter of seconds 

“HYUNG!”Jungkook’s voice echoed through the park reaching your direction “Y/N AND YOONGI ARE BEING THE DEPRESSED AND FLIRTY AGAIN!”

 “This kid I swear I will kill him some time soon!” you hissed at Jungkook

“You two really can’t drop this habit.” the slow and calm footsteps pulled your attention and soon subsided your anger 

“Joon, you know how we are.” you added, leaning back onto you elbows 

“I know, we are all like that.” Joon looked at you two sitting on the ground

“Y/N is right, broken pieces do find each other.” Yoongi added, but Joon sighed and rubbed the back of his head. He squatted down eye level 

“Broken pieces find each other because they fit together and make a beautiful new bottle that they can fill up with happy memories. Our sad and hard pasts make us titanium that can’t be broken. Even if one of us cracks, we are all going to help him become stronger.” he reached his hand out, standing up “ You are not alone Y/N, we are going to be forever titanium. You have us and we have you now. We are not lonely or misérables with you.”

“WE ARE BULLETPROOF GUYS!” Jungkook yelled out again

“Yeah...we are.” with a smile shining brighter than ever ,you grabbed Joon’s hand.He pulled you up as you were holding onto Yoongi. When the chain starts no one can cut the bond. We pull each other up...is what you realized. 

“Oh and.”

“Yes Joons?” 

“Can you two date already or at least go out on a date. It hurts looking at yall like this.”

“What!?” the blanket in your hand turned into weapon as you began hitting him with it in a moment of panic. His words hit a nerve.Yoongi wasn’t the one to rush or to run. With his hands in his pockets he followed you down the hill. His footsteps stopped for a moment to look at the now dark sky. 

 We may not be able to see the stars during the day, but at night they are too many to even count. Nothing is truly hidden forever, even who you are meant to be. It’s ok not to know now or later. When we are young we dont really know. We try to fit in a mold that was created, but we can’t, we just can’t no matter how much we try.

 We end up being labeled by the things we are different. Some come from a darker past, others don’t. Yet everyone is important, the way they feel, their emotions and inner state. If I could, I would grab your hand and show you a bit of the future. Think of this, your future self, the one that did it all finally and continues to dream big, is looking at you through memories. They grab your hand and push you forward towards the good. The tunnel may be dark, cold, lonesome and scary but it always leads to something. Just don’t give up.

  Regret, unsuccessful love, residual feelings for someone who used you. They are all a stepping stone, don’t look at them. Now you know what not to do, EXP( experience points)  come in many forms honey. Be who you want to be, life is yours. Be the main character in your story, not anyone else’s. Even if you fall sometimes, show everyone how amazing you are by standing up. Baby steps turn into miles, whispers become yelling, crawling becomes flying. Breaking the mold becomes you. 

[blankblankityblank]

Just, don’t wake up

Hi everyone! This is my fic for the @starkerkink exchange, dedicated to @vaguekiwi! I really hope you enjoy it :)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Tony Stark

High school AU, with superpowers.

Tony’s home life has never been amazing, but one night, it’s just too much for him. He flies blindly to the first destination he can think of in his battered suit, holding his breath when he realises exactly who’s house he’s flown to. He doubts this evening will be normal, especially when he realises there’s only one bed.

Warnings: Masturbation, Flogging, Name-calling, Restraints, slightly dub-con, both 17. Check ao3 for further warnings!

Read on ao3!

Tony arrived late to class, as usual. Peter sighed, the usual thought flitting through his head: How does he always manage to arrive late, even with a full body suit that flies?

The teacher for their class, AP Bio, glanced at Tony unimpressed but unsurprised-this was a regular occurrence, and it showed.

Tony waltzed to his seat with the usual I-really-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, plonking down and prompt executing a yawn. Peter rolled his eyes; did he always have that look on his hot face? How did he even get into AP Bio when he didn’t even pay attention? Oh yeah, that’s right-Howard Stark’s son, prodigy at 4, bla bla bla. Peter needed a break from the constant ‘Tony Stark made his own suit’ fawning that half the girls, and guys, constantly exhibited. Like yeah, big deal-was anyone gonna talk about Peter’s amazing skills to do with web fluid? Or crafting his own suits, which, well, didn’t always go particularly well?

“And today, we will be taking a bit of an off-topic turn into some neurobiology! Chemicals and hormones produced by the brain!” The teacher sang, trying to mask her own boredom with the unresponsive class, “who can tell me what the four main hormones to do with happiness contain?”

Peter shot his hand up, excited that he for once knew the answer to the question before smart-ass Tony.

“The four main chemicals are endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, often abbreviated as D.O.S.E,” Peter stated. Tony slowly turned around in his chair, and glared at him. Peter just smirked. ‘One day,’ he mouthed at the growingly frustrated classmate.

“Very good! Can someone tell me what each of these hormones’ functions are?” Their teacher again asked. Peter’s hand shot up for the second time, his mouth forming a smirk in sync.

--------------------------------

“Well well well, if it isn’t smart-ass Parker in a sticky situation?” Tony purred, his smooth voice richoeing off of the poorly-designed science lab. Peter sighed, closing his eyes in preparation before facing the problem.

“Does it look like I don’t know what I’m doing? Wouldn’t wanna steal your thunder now, would I?” He snarked back, trying to stir his web fluid in peace. The teacher had allowed his class 15 minutes of time to work on their various powers, any tweaks or fixes being attended to. Tony had apparently finished oiling up his suit, but Peter had no such privilege.

Tony flicked the back of Peter’s head as he strutted away, going over to talk to Steve and Bucky. Goddamned overpowered mutants. Ok, so maybe Peter was a tiny bit jealous of their friendship, but that was his business.

He dispensed the web fluid with a sigh, getting ready to pack up and head back to his apartment, and hopefully blow off some steam with a Star Wars movie night. He smiled softly to himself; maybe the day wouldn’t be so bad after all. He could chill with may, have some hot chocolate, quote every line of Empire Strikes Back because he totally doesn’t know it word for word.

The bell rang, immediately followed by a cacophony of bags zipping, several whirring sounds as various students fired up their ride home. Peter ducked his head down, knowing his power wasn’t as rich or powerful as his classmates’ privileged ones. And they didn’t even know it, how lucky they were. They’d never know what it’s like to be born with stickiness and a general strength upgrade. No super-advanced knowledge of tech, engineering, how to fly, being able to fly...everything that separated him from the rest of his peers.

Peter swung his backpack over his shoulder, cursing as his AP Bio textbook dropped onto the ground, setting off a too-loud thump on the concrete floor. A few heads swivelled in his direction, and Peter flushed as he hurriedly picked the offending book up, and returned it to its rightful place. Face still hot, he all but rushed out of the classroom, eager to change into his suit and get this day over with.

“Hey! Parker! Wait up, for fuck’s sake. You dropped two books, not one, you blind-ass bat,” Tony hollered, his feet slapping against the linoleum. Peter grabbed the exercise book from Tony’s offering hand, not dignifying the teen with a response. Ok, so maybe it was a bit harsh. But he had to stay ice-cold around Tony; if it got out Parker had a crush, it would not go down well. At. All.

“You’re not even gonna say thanks?” Tony spluttered in disbelief, hand still outstretched.

“Nope,” Peter replied, popping the ‘p’.

“Pretty sure I deserve some recognition, I could have just left that book on the floor for some other snotty-nosed kid to find,” Tony said indignantly, hand returned to his side.

“Well then don’t do it next time. I don’t give a shit, Stark,” Peter fired back, attempting to quell his progressingly noticeable butterflies.

Tony opened his mouth in a retort, but instead opted for an eye roll and spun on his heel. Probably to get back to his fancy 5 star penthouse, Peter thought bitterly. He headed to the bathrooms, diligently fighting his instinct to catch a glance of that ass. God, he was so, so gone.

-------------------------

Peter entered his apartment silently, not wanting to disturb May. He kicked off his shoes, deflating his suit and carrying the rest of his belongings to his room. Or, his cave, as May liked to call it. The 16 year old dungeon was another favourite of hers.

“May? ‘M home..” He trailed off when the bright Post-it note caught his eye. He frowned, peeling it off the bench and reading the bubbly handwriting. ‘Picked up an extra shift, be home tomorrow at 7! Sorry I couldn’t make it tonight kiddo xx’ Well. He could kiss his plans of venting to may goodbye, it seemed. Hot chocolate and a movie night still lifted his hopes, albeit less enthusiastic with no one to share it with now. The teen hummed the Star Wars theme song as he boiled the water and got his hot chocolate ready. He finished his task from earlier, dumping his stuff in an impossibly messy room that cleaning seemed impossible. There were things he didn’t want to uncover by doing so.

The TV flickered to life, selecting the chosen movie as directed by Peter. He sipped on his hot chocolate, swearing softly when the liquid burnt his tongue. It’d probably need to cool, considering the loss of feeling in his taste buds. The TV screen suddenly paused the movie, indicating the buffering icon as the infuriatingly slow loading bar popped up.

“For fucks’ sake…” Peter muttered, deciding to take a quick shower to pass the time. He didn’t bother getting clothes, seeing as he was the only one home. He padded to the bathroom, turning the shower on and watching as the water slowly began to produce steam. He then stripped, chucking his clothes into the overflowing hamper and stepping into the soothing water. He let it wash over him, adjusting himself to the temperature as he scrubbed himself with vanilla soap, the day’s events flicking hazily through his mind.

The teen looked down, noticing his growing hard-on. Maybe his thoughts about Tony had taken a...darker turn. He palmed himself half-heartedly, almost jolting when the spark of arousal ran through his body. He groaned softly to himself, putting more energy into pumping his hard on. His precum provided lubricant, his hand going up and down faster and faster until he was right on the edge and it felt so good, and-

Peter pulled his hand off, letting his erect cock bob helplessly in the air. He was breathing hard, not having reached his orgasm. It just...it didn’t feel right. He rubbed soap on his body again, his dick slowly returning to it’s normal size.

The shower came to a close after 15 minutes of staring at the wall, he may or may not have been thinking about a certain black head of hair, brown eyes flecked with gold, the body of a Greek god...maybe he lost track of time, but it was time well spent in Peter’s opinion. He towelled himself off with less energy, suddenly losing the motivation to actually dry himself off-probably because all his brain power was used trying to figure out a certain someone’s personality.

He plopped onto his nest of blankets and pillows, smiling when he saw the movie was ready to watch again. He hit play, content with the world at last.

That is, until some fucking idiot banged, not knocked, banged, on Peter’s door. He resolutely ignored it, turning the volume of the TV to max. Until, the banging didn’t stop. It just kept going. And going. And going-

“This better be a real good fucking reason,” Peter snarled, pausing his movie with more force than he probably needed to, and he stomped to the door.

The assault on the door didn’t stop, even when Peter yelled ‘Coming!’ to try and ease the banging. It did not succeed. He swung open the door, fuming, the epitome of annoyance as expressed on his face. He was ready to give this newcomer a piece of his mind, what, interrupting his fucking movie night, the audacity-

The words died in his throat as he looked up to launch a deadly glare, only to be met with chocolate brown eyes, flecked with gold, a soft pink cupid’s bow, the presence of stubble beginning to form a goatee, and oh wait, he’s seen this before, wait a minute-

“Tony?” He spluttered, taking a step back as he took in the scene before him. Tony, in a banged up suit he probably used as his transportation, his hand poised to bang at the door again. Tony’s expression mirrored Peter’s, a mixture of shock and confusion. Unlike Peter’s, Tony’s cleared quickly, and formed a new expression-one of almost desperation.

“Look, Parker, I’m sorry alright? I just...I need somewhere to stay tonight,” he rubbed a hand over his face, “forget it. I knew it was stupid to come, sorry for wasting your time I guess,” he muttered, already pivoting on his heel. Without his conscious consent, Peter grabbed Tony’s arm as he turned away. They both froze, neither knowing what Peter did.

“Wait, I...you can stay, Tony. You can come in, I just was watching Empire Strikes Back,” Peter ranted, gently tugging Tony inside. The latter seemed to be in a state of shock, obviously not expecting the positive response.

“Empire Strikes Back? You would be watching that, of all movies,” Tony snarked, recovering quickly from his bout of shock.

“You’re the guest, at least try to be nice,” Peter countered, blushing at the tips of his ears from embarrassment. He huffed, flopping onto his comfortable collection of pillows. He raised an eyebrow meaningfully at Tony, who looked a little out of place with his scratched suit. Peter was curious, but didn’t pry-there was obviously something that caused Tony to come in so suddenly.

“Being nice? To Parker? Talk to me when you have an achievable goal,” Tony grumbled, walking around to tour Peter’s apartment. Peter hoped it would be up to his standards. Wait, no he didn’t, Tony’s standards didn’t matter to him. At all.

Peter resumed his movie, soon becoming engrossed in the iconic plotline that he’d seen hundreds of times before, yet it never failed to make him excited. Tony watched his classmate from the shadows, the smile on Peter’s face contagious. His auburn curls, sharp jawline...Picture perfect Tony mused, as the lights from the movie danced across Peter’s angelic features. Tony shook his head, afraid of getting caught in the act-someone that beautiful would never return his feelings.

The depressing thought prompted Tony to emerge from the shadows, gliding over to where Peter was laying down and slumped nearby, resigning himself to the fact he’d have to watch this nerd movie. His suit whirred in the corner, fixing its own malfunctions as Tony had programmed it to.

“I don’t even know what the fuck is going on, Parker,” Tony muttered, the movie’s plot confusing him due to the lack of knowledge in previous films.

Peter just smiled, deciding it would take too long to explain the plot. Tony saw this, and a small smile spread across his face, too. It was nice to have a friend that just accepted you into their home, even if you had no explanation. Well, he couldn’t really tell the boy his explanation. Home was...a bit hard to go to at the moment, not that he’d ever tell Parker. He glanced at the serene expression on Peter’s face again, taking in the pure joy as he watched his seemingly favourite movie. Yeah, he was not gonna spoil that expression. Not ever.

--------------------------------

The movie’s credits rolled, signifying the end of the movie night. Tony softly blew out through his nose, wondering if it would be overstepping to stay the night. Before he could dig a hole of despair within himself, Peter noticed his obvious inner battle. Deciding to put the rivalry behind him for now, he reached out to Tony, gently touching his arm and effectively grabbing his attention.

“We should head to bed...if you’re ok with that,” Peter murmured, gently tugging Tony’s arm as he stood up.

Tony sucked in a breath at sparks of pleasure that rippled through him as Peter’s hand lingered. He got to his feet, following Peter through the apartment, taking in the few decorations and pictures. He paused at an old picture of an obviously much younger picture of Peter, sitting on a man’s shoulders. He looked so...well, happy. Tony frowned; what had happened? Not wanting to intrude, he tucked the question away for later, and hurried to catch up with Peter.

“So, this is it. The humble abode, I guess,” Peter chuckled nervously, giving a dramatic wave with his hands. Tony looked around, taking in the worn twin bed, well-read books mounted on shelves that looked as if they could fall at any minute, the stained dresser, obviously the victim of many late-night hot chocolate spills. Tony could feel a slight smile tugging at his lips-this felt like Peter.

“Humble, huh. Didn’t know you were a Potter fan,” Tony smirked, gesturing at the aforementioned books. A red blush tinted the teen’s cheeks as he rushed to defend himself.

“I’ll have you know Harry Potter is a very famous series, thank you very much,” he huffed, crossing his arms. The following silence was comfortable, Peter rifling through his dresser as he looked for his pyjamas. He succeeded, muttering a soft ‘aha’ at the victory, and turned to head to the bathroom.

“Get yourself comfy, you can sleep wherever, couch or bed,” Peter stated, trying not to blush for a third time in an hour. He made quick work of changing, exiting the bathroom once he was satisfied with his appearance. A new toothbrush smacked Tony in the back of the head, credits of Peter.

“The fuck, Parker? Why couldn’t you just ask me to turn around,” Tony muttered, grabbing the toothbrush and making his way to the meager bathroom. He cleaned his teeth, checked his face for any signs of, well, outstanding blemishes, and once satisfied, returned to the bedroom. Peter was already in the bed, having turned off the lights and receiving a wave of sleepiness that he couldn’t refuse.

Tony hesitated before quietly sliding in beside Peter, careful not to touch him in hopes of keeping him comfortable. After all, this was Peter’s bed. He shifted, finding the proximity a little too...exciting.

Peter stirred, muttering something incomprohensive that sounded suspiciously like ‘Stop fucking moving,’ which Tony grudgingly obeyed. He found himself drifting sooner than he usually did; maybe it was the company that finally got his eyes to close, who knows. It just felt good to be cared about.

--------------------------

“Fuck, harder Tony,” Peter cried out, relishing the feeling of the flogger on his burnt ass, “please. Please Tony, ah!”

Tony whipped mercilessly, painting the teen’s ass and lower back a pretty scarlet colour. He knew Peter loved it, despite the whimpers of pain as he relentlessly assaulted his body, again and again.

“Little slut, begging for me to stop like a good little bitch. Ask me nicely, I might consider,” Tony snarled, drinking in the moans that came tumbling out of Peter’s mouth at the sentence.

“P-please, I promise I’ll be your good little cockslut, please just let me go,” Peter repeated, rolling his eyes back from pleasure. His cock twitched at the constant stimulation, begging for touch, but Peter couldn’t move, the restraints preventing him from relief.

Tony growled, pausing the flogging at 15 hits. “You better live up to that, whore,” he snarled, taking in the sight before him. Peter, bound to the bed face-down, bent over the back, ass on display. His petite frame quivered in anticipation, preparing for more of the flogging.

“Yes, Tony, I promise I’ll be good, no more,” Peter begged, too aroused to care how desperate he might sound. He jerked his hips forward, trying and failing miserably to acquire friction for his painfully hard dick.

Tony untied the restraints slowly, careful not to hurt his lover any more, now that the scene was over. Peter sobbed, reaching down almost immediately to try and relieve his aching cock. Tony slapped Peter’s hand away, taking the matters into his own hands.

“Such a naughty boy, trying to touch yourself without permission. What do we say?” Tony crooned, teasing Peter’s tip. The latter cried out, grinding against Tony’s hand in hopes of release.

“‘M sorry, so sorry, please, please let me-ah!” Peter abruptly cut off his rambling as Tony took him in hand, stroking along his length tantalisingly. Peter sobbed, crying out as the feeling grew. He centered in on the sensation Tony was giving him, pumping his dick with such earnest it was almost too much, the heat building in his lower abdomen, ready to burst-

Peter woke up with a start, acutely aware of his burning arousal. Oh. Oh shit. He just had one of those dreams...about Tony. Who was right next to him. Peter sucked in a breath, his eyes going wide. He calculated his options, quickly realising he couldn’t move without waking him up.

He cursed the lack of space in the bed, horror taking over as his arousal became too prominent to ignore. He whined softly into his pillow, at loss with how to deal with the predicament. How did things go so badly wrong so soon?

As if things couldn’t get any worse, Tony elicited a groan in the silence of the room and shifted to that his hip was pressed against Peter’s...problem. He unconsciously bucked into the stimulation, immediately regretting the action as Tony groaned again and moved, if possible, closer to his dick. Well, wasn’t this just amazing.

----------------------------

Tony awoke from his sweet abyss of darkness, groaning in annoyance. What had woken him up? He thought he’d heard a whimper, but that couldn’t be right. He shuffled closer to his warm pillow, which promptly moved back against him. Tony froze; pillows weren’t supposed to move. Pillows...also didn’t have a bulge. He recovered quickly, a smirk slowly growing when he realised what had happened here. Parker was hard. So, so hard.

Tony groaned again, this time intentionally shifting against Peter’s bulge to try and gauge how exactly this was going to play out. He was met almost immediately with a response as Peter grinded against him. Tony stifled a moan; it was insanely hot, how responsive Peter was. He was obviously trying to hold back, covering his mouth as he desperately sought relief against Tony. The latter helpfully shifted again, receiving a small squeak in response. Peter’s hand snaked down to his cock, unable to hold back anymore. Tony closed his eyes, savouring this moment-possibly the only time he’d get to be this intimate with his crush, even if he was ‘asleep’.

Peter palmed against his sweats, the pleasure making his breathing uneven as he neared his climax. He felt so bad for doing this with Tony in the same bed, but he was past the point of being able to control his movements. The pressure built up inside him like a spring coiled at it’s base, as he desperately rutted against his hand, when it all became too much-and Peter went rigid. The white-hot pleasure consumed his body, racking through him in wave after wave as he tried to silently ride out his orgasm. The spurts of come soaked his boxers, but Peter was too out of his mind to care as the high slowly came down. His breathing was hard and his sweats were cold and sticky, but the aftershocks of the orgasm jerked his softening cock.

The world slowly came back to him as Peter blinked a couple times, trying to orient himself. The first thing he thought was oh shit, now I’ll have to lie in this mess until Tony wakes up.

That is, until he realised a tiny detail. Tony’s back and hip was completely covered. In. Peter’s. Cum.

Peter looked up slowly, the horror beginning to consume him. His entire body froze when Tony looked right back at him.

[yikes-xander]

000:00:00:00

PLAYLIST ANALYSIS

This is actually me just rambling about my thoughts on each song and why I chose them for this specific playlist rather than like.. an actually good and smart sounding in-depth analysis sorry :/

When I Met You - Ethan Nestor

There are many reasons I chose this one! Mostly the lyrics, but Ethan also sings it so it’s extra fitting for the playlist, especially as the opener.

“When I met you my life was blue, I was so lonely / You took me by surprise” The channel came into my life at the perfect time. I was feeling low, in my last year of high school, struggling with thoughts about the future. It especially helped me through quarantine. Every day I felt like quitting, giving up on putting effort into school/not graduating, but I had something to look forward to every day too, so I pushed through.

“Now you're gone from my life / I'm adrift on the sea” Once the stream ended and the channel was gone, I didn’t know how I felt. I felt sad, but also something I’ve never felt before. After watching Ethan’s video yesterday, hearing him explain he felt the same way, I felt so relieved. I think this lyric kind of describes how I feel now honestly, just kinda numb? Like I’m lost. I’m working on it.

Another Night - Story Untold

More of a light-hearted one now! To me, this song made me think about how good it felt to be a part of the audience.

“Here we go for another night / Another night goofing all around” Everyone (the audience, Mark, Ethan, etc.) having fun every single day? *chefs kiss*

“Laughing 'til our stomachs hurt / And I can't let this moment pass me by” Once again, made me think of all the good times that were a part of the channel, and all the good feelings they gave me.

“So here’s to a night we’ll remember / This is a time we never wanna forget” I think this is kind of self-explanatory? I don’t think any of us want to forget Unus Annus. Personally, it’s literally the best thing I’ve ever had the chance to see happen and be a part of.

100 Bad Days - AJR

This song just gives me good vibes, UA gave me good vibes, it had to be on the playlist. I don’t have much else to say about it.

History - One Direction

This song kind of reminds me of Ethan and Mark separately and UA as a whole. Because like,, they make a great team, they have a lot of history (friends for a long time, Ethan was a fan of Mark before that, etc.)

“You and me got a whole lot of history / So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever” A year is a long time but also feels like no time at all. Sometimes I wish we had more time for UA, but I’m glad I was here for what we got.

“This is not the end” Unus Annus is something I’ll never forget.

Dopamine - With Confidence

Maybe also kind of self-explanatory? Dopamine makes you feel good!! UA also makes me feel good. And the song talks about losing it too so.. yeah

This Is Home - Cavetown

I’m not exactly sure why I felt so drawn to this? But the vibes are immaculate.

“Are you dead? / Sometimes I think I'm dead / 'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head / But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet” after the stream vibes anyone? Or is it just me? I stayed up way too long after it was over. Too many thoughts head full

“Time is / Slowly / Tracing his face / But strangely he feels at home in this place” Unus and Annus,, the Boys of Time babey!!

Ghost Of You - 5 Seconds of Summer

Again.. The VIBES are IMMACULATE. It’s just a sad song for a sad time.

“Too young, too dumb / To know things like love” I’m just a stupid boy who got emotionally attached to a channel whose whole purpose was to DIE and I’m sensitive about it.

All I Wanted - Paramore

Lyrics make me do a Think

“Wake up early to black and white re-runs” colors of the channel,, thinking about all the vids,, the memories :(

“I could follow you to the beginning / And just to relive the start / And maybe then we'll remember to slow down / At all of our favorite parts” this entire verse?? Oh my god. Absolutely *chefs kiss* I think we all know what I mean and like,, why it gives me UA vibes

The Kids from Yesterday - My Chemical Romance

This song just gives me like sad nostalgic vibes so I thought it fit well.

“... you only hear the music when your heart begins to break” the timer reaches the end and the ticking stops? Heartbreaking, that’s all

I Will Follow You into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Another song thats just,, sad so it fits

“Love of mine, someday you will die” we knew from the start the the channel would literally die when the clock stopped,,

“It's nothing to cry about 'cause we'll hold each other soon / In the blackest of rooms” shut up I’m mourning someone hold my hand

“I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black” death goddess Amy vibes

I’ll Always Be Around - Waterparks

“If you died I'd hope you'd haunt me / Because you know I'd miss you bad” we all love UA so much!! And miss it a ton already

“I'd never I'd never I'd never get you off my mind” it’s always thinking about Unus Annus hours

Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

There are multiple lyrics in this song that just make me remember we only have our memories of the channel left

“Our every moment, I start to replace / 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say” the vids are replaced with only memories, replayed over and over

“Well, time can heal but this won't” I’ll be sad about this forever mind ur business

“But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face” the very last moment of the stream? Amy and Mark looking at the camera, Mark’s lil smile, Ethan looking back at the clock as the last few seconds tick by? AAAAH

Scarlet Cross - Black Veil Brides

Heard this and immediately reverted back to my middle school self but that’s beside the point.

“... you can't deny / The end is coming, the end is coming” we knew from the start that the channel would die

“Will we live? / Will we die? / Just keep on saving our goodbyes” There were points where people were theorizing that the channel wouldn’t actually end, there were clips near the end where the clock reversed by a few seconds, etc. need I say more?

“Hold onto me, and I can't let go” we’re all mourning, we didn’t want to say goodbye I know I’m not the only sad one

Body - Mother Mother

This song just SCREAMS Unus and Annus vibes I think we can all agree

“I've grown tired of this body / Fall apart without me, body” Unus and Annus are just entities using Ethan and Mark’s bodies,, they know their time is up so they have to leave,, the LORE it makes sense okay leave me alone

Here Comes the End - Gerard Way (ft Judith Hill)

At this point I’m just listing lyrics that I vibe with that remind me of UA and also make me sad but that’s because I’m dumb and I don’t know how to express myself or explain my thoughts oops

“The time is running out / The days are moving fast” literally every day after each video,, seeing the clock tick down? My HEART she hurt

“The clock is moving / Hands to midnight / Can we get through this?” For me, the stream ended right at midnight so THE VIBES I was sobbing

When Can I See You Again? - Owl City

“Switch on the sky and the stars glow for you / Go see the world 'cause it’s all so brand new” this lyric remind me of the vid where they were in the desert and they just looked at the stars and had a nice talk it was so wholesome I love them

“It's been fun but now I've got to go / Life is way too short to take it slow” Unus Annus is gone but we all have to remember to live, do what you want with no regrets.

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

This one is another pretty self explanatory one honestly

It’s also just a vibe like a lot of the other songs that’s all I have to say about it

Safe and Sound - Capital Cities

This song just radiates such good feelings man oof

Unus Annus felt like such a safe lil bubble for me?? Like,, Mark and Ethan did dumb shit because they WANTED TO I felt so validated like,, I also would do dumb shit if I could that probably makes no sense but I love them so it doesn’t matter

Happiest Year - Jaymes Young

This one absolutely BREAKS MY HEART

“I'm here to admit / That you were my medicine” yall,, UA was the only thing that kept me going and I'm not afraid to admit it

“Thank you for the happiest year of my life” literally the only thing that gave me serotonin oops :/

“So wake me up when they build that time machine / I want to go back” do I need to explain? Even though this year has been shitty irl, I would relive it in a heartbeat

The 3ND - Story Untold

I know this is a breakup song,, but hear me out

Some of the lyrics FIT and it’s my playlist I can do what I want shut up

“I never wanted what we had to end / But now it's over” once again,, no need to explain

“I know we had our dreams and we had plans… / That now it's time to let go” this just makes me think of the video where they talk about the video ideas they had but never filmed or just didn't post,, the CONTENT WE COULD'VE GOTTEN i'm sad

Still Remembering - AS IT IS

These boys.. My fave band of all time but also literally all their songs have immaculate vibes

“My heart's as heavy / As these nights are long” this gives me after the stream feels,, I stayed up way too long after it ended I couldn't sleep because I was sad :/

“Can you tell me what hurts more / Is it remembering or forgetting?” The whole chorus just hits me so hard man I'm so scared that I'm gonna forget unus annus because my brain is shitty even though I know I won't? I’m deadass getting a tattoo as soon as I can

Take Me Away - With Confidence

This song just makes me think about how UA was kind of an escape for me? And a lot of people yknow sometimes you just need to get your mind off of this happening around you and UA was really good for that in my opinion

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Once again saying I would relive this year if I had the chance

Unus Annus was one of a kind, no one will ever be able to recreate it

Where’d All the Time Go? - Dr. Dog

A year sounds like such a long time but it goes by way too fast

Also I think Amy had this on her instagram story after the stream? I don't remember but THE VIBES

This December - Ricky Montgomery

Why do so many ricky montgomery songs have UA vibes? Idk

“Well, this December, I'll remember / Want you to see it when I do” UA ended in november,, we’ll remember in december and forever it FITS

“It’s just a little bit, It’s just a little bit / Lonely in this home / It’s always colder on your own'' honestly now that UA is gone there's like,, a void and I'm sad (I keep saying that but it's true so..)

When You Die - MGMT

Maybe this is the song Amy had in her story after the stream? Again,, I don’t remember

I think this one is also pretty self explanatory

Except I was feeling A LOT when the channel died but I’m glad the team was also kinda in their feels a bit yknow? It made me feel better about it

Good Times - All Time Low

“Underneath the stars we came alive / And singing to the sky just felt right / I won't forget the good times” once again,, that stargazing vid? IM CRYING all the vids gave me so much serotonin I loved them all and each day was such a good day

“I'll hate the goodbye” I don't need to explain..

“Middle fingers up, ego trip / Devil may care but we didn't mind” the chaotic vibes of the channel is what sucked me in I live for chaos that's what this lyric makes me think of

Goodnight, Travel Well - The Killers

I don't think I really need to explain this one because,, just listen to the song and you'll get it but I'll just list some fave lyrics of mine

“There's nothing I can say / There's nothing we can do now” end of the stream vibes for sure

“And all that stands between the souls release / This temporary flesh and bone / We know that it's over now” Unus and Annus vibes

Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery

This is one of the songs that I hear a lot in like edits I see on twitter and stuff associated with UA and I Get It the vibes are so good the song is so good I love it

“Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you / I need you here to stay” one of my fave lyrics and also just,, makes sense I miss UA

As the World Caves In - Matt Maltese

Another song that's in a lot of edits and stuff that's also,, amazing and MAKES SENSE the vibes!!

“And here it is, our final night alive” the STREAM

“You put your finest suit on / I paint my fingernails / Oh we're going out in style babe” Our boys,, Unus and Annus in the suits and eths painted nails? An absolute LOOK

I just love this song so much its so good and makes me so sad

The End. - My Chemical Romance

This song is just So Sad

And the heart monitor beeping in the beginning?? Reminds me of the clock ticking my heart is BROKEN

If you actually read all of this? I love you!! This was 6 pages so thank you for sticking through and listening to all of my dumb thoughts

[iatasbcl]

Can’t Help Falling In Love

Pairing: Gavin Reed x RK900 (Richard/Nines)

A/N: Tina Chen is my fav lesbian. Also, guess I ship reed900 now,,,

Summary: It’s Tina’s wedding and Gavin has Richard as his date.

Word count:2170

“Ladies and gentlemen give it up for our newlyweds, Nora, and Tina Chen!”

Gavin cheered when he saw his long-time friend finally enter with her bride, both danced to the music that played and had the world’s shiniest smile on their faces. Happiness practically radiated off them.

He felt himself smile unwillingly. “You look positively cheerful, detective.” It was the same cool voice he grew used to, albeit a bit more empathetic now. Gavin’s grin grew wider, “Damn right I am, my girl made it.”

He turned to Nin- Richard and saw him smile back at him, “Yes, I suppose Officer Chen has ‘made it’. Her Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin levels are off the charts.” Gavin let out an amused scoff and knitted his brows together, still grinning.

“You can drop the formalities ya know? We are at a wedding.” He muttered and Richard’s LED turned yellow at the statement. The android gave him a blank stare then nodded slowly. They looked back to the women of the hour. They giggled together and stood by each other as another song started to play, Gavin immediately recognized it.

“The newlyweds will now have their first dance.” The man announced, Tina and Nora faced each other and got into position.

Wise men say, only fools rush in

The first verse began and with it, they moved, they twirled and danced while looking into each other’s eye with what he could assume was unconditional love. Now Gavin wouldn’t consider himself to be a sappy man, nope, no fucking way.

But, this. This was somehow so touching and soul-stirring for him. Seeing one so devoted to another that they probably the rest of the world exists, fuck. He wanted that, he wanted to be an absolute fool that got pampered with love and adoration. He would never admit it though

“Gavin. You zoned out, are you alright?” This brought him out of his little bubble, the song had ended, and Richard looked at him with worry. Richard. He was his date for the night, just his companion, his coworker that agreed to be his ‘date’. It was sad, it was pathetic, but it beat being alone on your best friend’s wedding. Or so he thought.

“Yeah, yeah-” He froze when he realized it. Had he just called him by his name? “Gavin?”

There he went again. Gavin shook his thoughts off, he asked him to be casual, why the hell did that make his mind foggy? It didn’t matter. “Yeah, uh, I’m good.” He shrugged.

It was time for him to give his man of honor speech, and saying he was a wreck was an understatement. The wedding had been so wholesome so far, he didn’t want to ruin Tina’s perfect vision. He sighed as he listened to Nora’s maid of honor’s speech, it was quite emotional, as in he could see the women tearing up. He felt slightly bad for finding it a bit funny.

“Are you anxious, Gavin?” was Richard’s sudden, quiet question.

“No. Why?” He wasn’t going to confide in him.

“Well, your heartbeat keeps increasing as your turn nears. Your palms are slightly shaking and a bit sweaty. It seems as if you are afraid.” He said it in his usual monotone voice like he was stating simple facts.

Gavin snorted, “Huh, me? Scared? No fucking way.”

“You do realize I am an advanced model that can detect lies, right?” Richard said with a smirk, an actual fucking smirk. He felt his heart skip a beat, but he quickly regained his composure. What the fuck was that.

“Your heartbeat does not have a usual beat either, it seems like your terrible caffeine addiction is taking its toll. You should seek medical attention.” The man with steel-eyes said and went back to looking around. The bridesmaid had finally finished her speech. Gavin got up slowly and looked around, everyone was here.

Hank, tin c- Connor, Chris, hell, even the captain was here, and other friends from work. Not that he cared, this was cool, cool, cool, cool-

“Gavin.” Again, the man snapped him out of it, this time it was different though. His soft hand touched his rough one. “Breath. I am sure Tina will appreciate what you have to say.”

His words were simple, and his touch was gentle. It was weird, they had been partners for a while and while he kinda liked him before, he never really let him get this close. Now that he did, he couldn’t help but wish he could stay like this and shit, he didn’t like where his mind was going.

He snatched his hand and just went to where the microphone was, not responding to what Richard said at all. He pulled out his speech and sighed.

“Hey uh, Good evening everyone.” He started, “Hope everyone’s having a good time,” He heard someone woo in the back of the room. “Well for those of you that know me from work, I am shit-bag Gavin.” He heard someone chuckling, probably agreeing with him, Tina smiled.

“Well, I am also Tina’s friend. I’ve known her for over 10 years now and I… couldn’t be happier for her. I remember eating shitty ramen and watching her get ready for her big date, freaking out over how her shoe looked or how her hair wasn’t good. I remember her coming back and looking like she had the time of her life.”

He went on and told some other stories of their relationship and him being their favorite third wheel. How Nora turned out to be allergic to cats and had to be rushed to the hospital the moment she set foot into their apartment. How Nora popped a Champaign bottle and the cork flew directly into Tina's face, hitting her eye. She wore a black eyepatch for a while.

Tina looked at her wife and held her hand, kissing it softly. “I think what makes those two goofballs perfect is how they came through for each other. Always supported one another. Some things are meant to be, and those are definitely one of them.” He paused and looked at the couple, “I wish the best for the both of you, you deserve it.”

“I am glad I got to be a part of your special day, it’s uh- an honor.” Fuck, he didn’t mean to stutter. Wait what was he going to say? He looked back to his paper, but he couldn’t focus, shit, shit, shit.

“Uh,” he gulped and looked around, everyone was still looking at him. Richard did too, he smiled at him and gave him a thumps-up. He closed his eyes for one second, collecting his thoughts. He opened them again, picked up the glass next to him and raised it.

“Let’s all raise a glass to our newlyweds.” And they did, some clapped and wooed. He gave the couple a quick hug and went back to his seat, his heart was finally slowing down.

“You were great.” Said, Richard. He felt his cheeks heat up a bit, “Yeah, I know.” He tried to shrug it off. “hmm, of course, you do.” Came Richard’s sarcastic remark.

Time passed and couples were dancing to the slow song that played. Gavin and Richard were still sitting in their place, the prior man was observing everyone; they seemed to have fun. Even Connor was out there on the dance floor.

“Wouldn’t you like to dance, Gavin?” Richard finally said as he fixed his tux. Gavin rolled his eyes, “You don’t have to fucking pity me okay? I don’t want any of that.”

The android raised his eyebrow, almost offended. “Pity you?” he questioned.

“Yes, stop it. I know you agreed to come with me but ya don’t have to pretend to like me.” He hissed, “Perhaps you should consider asking before making such assumptions, Gavin.” He hissed back.

“I came here with you because I wanted to, and I am asking you to dance because it’s what I would like to do. I would not be here if it was to simply throw you a pity party.” His LED was yellow, again.

“You wanted to come to the wedding, as my date?” He asked in disbelief, “Of course, why else would I be here?”

Oh. Shit, he did not expect this, at all. Richard got up and extended his hand to him, “Now, would you like to dance?”

He cursed internally when he froze again. He wasn’t some dumb teenager deep in love, it was just a dance, just a dance with someone that wanted to be his date. Holy shit.

He took his hand carefully, making sure he wouldn’t change his mind suddenly. Richard pulled him up and towards the dance floor. This felt ridiculous, why did he feel like he could give his whole life to this android?

“Do you even know how to dance?”

“Yes, I learned how to when you asked me to be your date.” He answered like it was the most obvious shit in the world. He held Gavin’s hand while the other rested on his shoulder, Gavin was getting a heart attack today.

Richard slowly leaned in as they swayed together and whispered, “Relax.” Was he some weird hypnotizer? why the hell did his words have this effect on him? “Some things are meant to be.”

“Huh?”

“As a river flows,” He continued, not breaking eye contact, “surely into the sea,” he moved closer, “Darling, so it goes,”

Being on fire would be accurate enough to describe how Gavin felt, this was wrong, this felt like a sin to him, why did he feel so much for an android?

“Somethings are meant to be.” He finished the chorus, “It was a part of your speech.” Oh, right. “I didn’t think you would enjoy this kind of music, Gavin.”

Gavin could feel disappointment wash over him, but he smirked nonetheless, “Well, I am full surprises.” They continued to dance, “It’s my pop’s and mom’s favorite song.” He confessed.

“I see.” They looked into each other’s eyes and Gavin wondered if this what it felt like to utterly defeated by love. To be so lost in someone you forget anyone else exists. If so, he wanted this to last for eternity.

He couldn’t help it, he thought. He can’t help this feeling that straight up invaded his heart, this fondness, this adoration, love, whatever they call it. He couldn’t help falling in love with an aloof andr- man.

They got closer now, he looked up at him and Richard did the same. Time froze and it was just him and this man that he’s fallen for. Something in him pushed him to be even closer and he instinctively put his arms around the taller man’s neck.

Neither of them said anything, just reveling in each other’s presence. But he wanted to say it, he wanted to let it out, but he just couldn’t.

“Is there something you want to say?” he probably analyzed him. “Well, uh, yes.”

“Can we go somewhere else? Somewhere private.” He pleaded and luckily Richard immediately complied, leading him to a surprisingly empty room.

He stood there, trying to collect his thoughts for a minute. The other man just stared at him, his LED still a dim yellow.

“You know how I am me and well, shit.” This was harder than what he thought, “I- uh. I think I care about you, no wait scrap that, I know it.”

He wished the ground would tear open and swallow him whole, Richard didn’t even react to what he said, at all.

“Shit, just, forget what I said. I’m gonna go outside for a while.” He rushed to leave he was pulled back, “I care about you too.”

It was simple. The words slipped out of his mouth with the same monotony. But one look could tell him his voice didn’t match how he felt. His LED was switching between red and yellow; his usual straight posture was now slightly bent.

“You, uh- sure?” He stuttered and Richard nodded, holding his hand. “You are ‘trash’.” Wow, how romantic. “You can’t control your temper and you can be as stubborn as a toddler, but.” He paused, “You are also kind, supportive and a good detective. Today proves it. I enjoy your company, no matter how ‘trashy it is. I love it.”

God, this was cheesy, like those romcoms he always made fun of. But damn if this didn’t mess him up in the best way possible. He laughed, earning an unamused look from his love. “Did I do it wrong? My research suggested I should be hones-”

Gavin waved his hand and got closer to him, “No, you dumbass. It was perfect.”

“Oh.” After that he tightly wrapped his hands around Gavin, slightly bending to put his head on his neck. The heat came back to his cheeks, but he returned the gesture anyway, loving every second of it.

Some things were really meant to be. Maybe this was it.