The 2022 Miss Universe pageant was last night!
Which means: the National Costumes are here.
Yes, there is video. It’s worth watching if you want to see how some of these look in motion, but I’m warning you in advance that the emcees keep doing these shitty little rhyming couplets, and they will make you want to strangle them with one of the many available voluminous gown trains. So I’m suffering on your behalf, and liveblogging.
First up: Albania.
Sparkly flag-inspired bodysuit with train is the voting “present” of the Miss Universe National Costume Competition.
Angola. She did a fun dance on her way to center stage, which would probably not have been possible in her original costume, which was “tree-inspired” and too big to ship to New Orleans.
Argentina. This is where the video does come in handy, because without it I would not be able to award her First Contestant To Visibly Struggle Under The Weight Of Her Outfit. It’s a waterfall. The rainbow crotch area was certainly a design choice.
Armenia. I would like to see what’s going on with the bodice behind the... shield thing? but she never put it down.
Also, it turns out that when one contestant has a costume dedicated to solemn remembrance of the Armenian genocide, and the contestant immediately after her has a costume that’s about beach parties, there is kind of an uncomfortably abrupt tonal shift that happens onstage.
Aruba. Like I said: weird tonal shift! She did a little shimmy dance at Miss Armenia as they passed each other and it was clearly awkward for both of them. This is made of recycled materials leftover from Carnival, which is cool? I guess?
Australia. This is a prom dress. Boo.
Bahrain. A rare pants look! There’s a lot of detail in the headdress and bodice that’s kind of getting lost, but it looks cool in motion. Also the theme is apparently “Bahrain is rich as fuck,” so congrats I guess?
Belgium. Okay so the theme of this costume, my hand to g-d, is “the window on the International Space Station that Belgium built.” Why does this requires a shit-ton of leftover Christmas tinsel and some very awkward-to-wear angel wings? I do not know.
Belize. This is fun! It’s a good “lesser-known Batman villainess” kind of look. Like if Ivy and Catwoman co-mentored someone. The actual theme is “the world’s only jaguar reserve, which is in Belize,” but I think it’s also kind of implying that she might be a were-jaguar. Which, again, is fun!
Bhutan. This goes in the “just an actual regional/folk costume” category, which is also kind of like voting Present, but it looks like the fabrics are nice.
Bolivia. She has an entire Andean condor on her head so I’m already on board. This photo only shows the cloak, which is covered in silver spangles in honor of Bolivia’s silver mines, and is also why her condor is perched on a miner’s helmet. The dress underneath is entirely made of swags of sparkly gold beads, so the visual effect is actually pretty nice in motion.
Brazil. The construction details on this are actually quite lovely! Lots of intricate beading and rhinestone work. Unfortunately that doesn’t convey well at any distance, and also that white fin peplum thing flaps around really awkwardly when she walks. Oh, wait, she can flip it up to be a clamshell thing behind her head!
That looks much better.
British Virgin Islands. First giant flower of the year!
Bulgaria. Apparently this is made of neoprene? So with that and the rainbow stripes, the effect ends up being kind of “what if Midsommar, but at a rave.”
Cambodia. It feels weird to say “yep, standard Miss Universe warrior goddess costume” but basically that’s what this is. I do like the green-and-gold color palette, though.
Cameroon. “The baskets represent the nation’s agricultural movement.” Okay! I like how it’s giving “Valkyrie, but make it Global South,” though I’m not sure three entire country-shaped cutouts were necessary.
Canada. Another fine Miss Universe tradition: contestant who knows how to dance en pointe so she’s going to goddamn wear a costume that goes with pointe shoes, Or Else. Some nice beadwork! I would let her be the third, secret red swan in Swan Lake if that were a thing.
Cayman Islands. Sexy Blue Iguana is a fun concept! There’s a tail in back of the cape.
Chile. Sexy Atacama Desert is kind of abstract, as these things go, but I respect her choice to wear something she could walk in.
China. Hilariously, the announcer was like “This look... does not match the bio we were given, so I’m gonna wing it!” The fabrics are nice -- the satin drapes and moves well -- but the embellishments are kind of meh compared to some of the Miss China looks I’ve seen.
Colombia. This is a legit great Sexy Phoenix, but I need you all to know that her crown got turned a little sideways while she walked to the stage and she clearly knew it and just as clearly could do nothing about it, and I feel bad for laughing but it was funny.
Costa Rica. Sexy hummingbird! I think I’ve identified a recurring theme for this year. Corset and wings are made of recycled materials, which is nice, and they look well-made -- a lot of wing-based costumes tend to flop around or go crooked in motion, but not these.
Croatia. Oh, honey. This has big “my mom helped me make this the night before it was due” energy, unfortunately.
Curacao. “Meet the Fisherman’s Wife, a woman with a key role in Curacao’s fishing industry.” Okay? Honestly you could have left off the basket and said “this costume represents the beautiful marine life of Curacao” and I would have been like “yep, checks out” but now I have many follow-up questions.
Czech Republic. This is meant to be a Mucha-inspired look but uh. Mostly it’s just. beige. I’m starting to feel like all the other Slavic countries saw advance photos of Miss Ukraine and were like “let’s just phone it in this year, girls, there’s no point.”
Dominican Republic. “This costume recognizes the importance of birds in Dominican culture.” They did make it with silk feathers, which I appreciate, because it would have been very weird to use real ones with that mission statement. Also I like her headdress, and the giant feather fans are a good way to nod in the direction of wings without the hassle of actually wearing wings.
Ecuador. This looks good in motion! She did some dancing onstage that worked well, and there’s a great sculpted Inca head scowling on the back of her headdress. This is still only a few notches above voting Present, though.
El Salvador. “History of Currency,” which is definitely a concept! The Bitcoin wizard staff is sure something.
Equatorial Guinea. A perfectly nice entry in the “actual regional costume” category, but on the video I was like “oh, yikes, her headdress is really wobbly” and then it FELL OFF and I felt so bad for her.
Finland. “Spirit of the Forest”? Fuck off, that’s a prom dress. Boo.
I’m going to pause here so this readmore doesn’t get completely out of control. Shit, there are 50 more of these? Well, I have only myself to blame.
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What killing me is the people basically making it seem like Eurovision bad...for just this year. Eurovision needed to become irrelevant for MULTIPLE reasons for many years. Israel literally has hosted the contest twice (1999 and 2019); imagine doing some truly silly lil song and dance contest on occupied land and thinking nothing of it. How only mere checkpoints away, these people are doing their lil jester shit while Palestinians were and continue to be threatned with genocide. And the one attempt in 2019 to remind people of this, aka Iceland waving a banner with the colors of the Palestinian flag with Palestine embroidered on it, were completely censored live and even wiped from DVD footage.
Not to mention the absolute bullshit it is to allow Azerbaijan AND Israel to compete when they've banned Russia. When they've continued to hammer how they will continue to enforce censorship on any attempts to highlight Palestine despite allowing tributes to Ukraine in 2023. Hell, they've already said how they regret allowing their opening act to "compromise the non-political nature" of the show just because he was able to wear a keffiyeh on his wrist. I guess you're only allowed messages of "unity and love" to those who need their plight shared with the world when the ones affected are largely white Europeans huh?
The hypocrisy of this contest is a fucking disgrace and you're all spineless cunts for acting like this shit is valuable in anyway outside your need for entertainment and "escapism", especially above the lives of Palestinians and Armenians.
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I feel like a complete asshole for saying this. But I wanna say it.
I feel like on these past few years, the internet has been focused on justice for horrible things happening everywhere. The war in Ukraine, the earthquake in turkey/Syria, the women’s rights situation in Iran, the ethnic cleansing in Palestine.
And I feel like every single time Armenia is left out of it. For so long we’ve been attacked. We lost Artsakh after almost a YEAR of the civilians being literally starved by Azerbaijan. And no one said a fucking word.
And it’s like no matter how many people I tell, no matter how many posts I make, no matter how many protests I go to, nobody cares about Armenia.
I learned about ethnic cleansing and genocide before I could multiply. I knew there were entire nations of people who wanted nothing more than to see my entire people wiped out before I knew what a cell was. I go to sleep most nights worrying about my family, terrified that I’ll wake up the next day and find that my country doesn’t exist anymore.
And nobody even cares enough to make a post.
The extent of most peoples knowledge about conflicts in Armenia is “well there was a genocide and then everything was okay again.” If they even know Armenia exists at all.
It’s just. When will it be Armenia’s turn? When will I start seeing people post about Armenia everywhere? When will I see the Armenian flag on lawns and profile pictures and bumper stickers, in solidarity with us? When will Turkey and Azerbaijan be called out for their disgusting actions?
Did you know that the Armenian genocide is the first to be described as a genocide? Did you know that Hitler mentioned Armenia by name? He mentioned us in one of his speeches, describing why the holocaust would work, why he would not be punished.
He said, “Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?”
No one. And their silence is deadly.
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