#as a disabled person who’s disabilities make it hard to draw/write sometimes shut up and stop using us as an excuse to steal content

[autistic-katara]

tell my we i just got a strangely pro-ai blog on my dash-

[serodev]

Hello! I hope I'm not too late for the matchup event. If I am I'm sorry to bug you and hope you are having a great day lol 😅

If I'm able here is some info! Maybe both human and demon if it's not too much trouble.

Nickname: anon, to be honest I don't have one, my names kinda short anyway

I'm straight (male preference)

Dislikes: liars, manipulaters, people who make me guess what they mean, or play games. That annoys the crap outta me, just tell me how it is. I hate spiders too lol. Other than that I'm a pretty patient person.

Hobbies: well I like to write and I'm currently working on something that I'm super excited about. I love food. I grew up on a horse ranch so I work with horses and teach people how to ride them and also work with disabled students, I love it, it's my passion! I used to draw, paint and play piano but I haven't done that in YEARS.

About me: if this helps lol. I am pretty shy and quiet until you get to know me. Once comfortable I can be pretty sarcastic and playful. I always try not to step on anyone's toes and treat people the way I'd want to be treated. I do give people the benefit of the doubt but once you broken my trust it's hard to get it back. I'm a ISTJ virgo if that helps, ravenclaw. I guess I'm the mom friend or the crackhead sometimes depending on who I'm with lol. I try to make sure everyone is comfortable. I love it when people bring me out of my shell if that makes sense? I always wanted to learn to dance but lacked the self confidence.

Anywho, if I'm too late don't worry about it lol! If I'm not I hope this isn't too much and I'm sorry if it is.😅 I hope your day is great and everything you hope it is.

Note(s): Not having a nickname is totally understandable as well! And don't worry, writing for human and demon match-up isn't a big deal to me! If it was, I wouldn't offer them in the first place sfdsfd... I have to give you thumbs-up for your love to teach disabled people!! It's something that not too many are ready to do.

I match you up with...

Sabito!

» We don't know a lot of Sabito, but we all know how the KNY fandom has built up some personality for him, so I'm going to base things around that! Now, I can't say for sure, but Sabito cal probably play games with you, but even then, it's nothing manipulative nor toxic, and he does it as a playful thing. Of course, he's totally ready to stop doing it if you tell him that you don't like it.

» When it comes to Sabito's personality, he will bring you out of your shell and make you feel a bit confident when it comes to other relationships as well! (It's amazing what a good and healthy relationship can do!) He's also one of those guys who don't want to fall into a routine, so he will spice your life up with different hobbies/journeys/etc., as well.

» Even though Sabito can be kind of crude with his jokes or words, he will keep his mouth shut every time he happens to accompany you while you work with other students because he wants to take part in your weekdays/work/etc. if you let him do so.

And Enmu!

» I have to admit right away that it took a bit more time for me to think this match-up, but something about Enmu just clicked in me when it came to your personality! One of the reasons for this is the fact that you're shy around new people, and I'm sure that it's pretty easy to become close with Enmu thanks to his own personality!

» Now, I'm not sure how Enmu feels about writing or stories, but he would love to take part in the said hobby when he sees you enjoying it! He's also ready to work as your proofreader if you ask him to do that because it gives him a chance to look into the story you're writing!

» Another thing I absolutely have to say right now is that Enmu loves how motherly you can sometimes be, and he will probably joke about it a bit in a friendly manner. Of course, he won't let you take care of him all the time, and he will let you relax and wind down as well in his care. (He loves to give you nice dreams while rubbing your back and such!)

[gureishi]

I really love your writing! Could I request #2 for Saeyoung? Perhaps a hurt/comfort :)

Ohhhh, thank you so much!! That makes me really happy to hear ♡

And here is the fic! I think a lot about making Saeyoung go to sleep and honestly don’t know how I’ve never written this scenario before. Darling sleepy overworked boy.

two: fall into your arms again

SaeyoungXReader, T, words: 1764

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・

You’re dreaming of driving when he calls you—it’s a recurring nightmare of yours, where you’re at the wheel and suddenly you realize the car has no brakes. The ringtone makes its way into your dream, and you’re panicking, you’re panicking—where is the phone, why can’t you stop the car?

You wake abruptly, eyes flying open in the way they sometimes do after a nightmare. The phone is still ringing. You scramble for it and find it tangled in the sheets.

You squint at the screen: it’s after three in the morning.

“H-hello?” You yawn as you answer, your head falling back against the pillow.

“Ohh…did I wake you up? I guess I lost track of time,” he laughs, but it sounds forced. You push yourself up a little in bed.

“Saeyoung, are you okay? Did something happen?” There’s a sinking feeling in your stomach. Things have just finally started to go well.

“No, no!” He’s too loud, too enthusiastic. “We’re okay! Saeran is asleep.”

“Saeyoung, it’s almost four in the morning.”

He yelps. “Really? I didn’t even notice! I’m sorry, babe. Ignore me and go back to sleep. Please.”

You sigh, sitting all the way up, propping the pillows behind your head. “Will you tell me what’s bothering you?”

“God Seven is bothered by nothing! God Seven was just doing some work and wanted to hear his kitty cat’s cute voice! Ha-hah!”

“Saeyoung…”

“Activate kitty communication mode! Meow! Meow? Meeooow!”

He’s too adorable—his distraction tactics are too good. Once upon a time, you would’ve given it to it, would’ve let him ramble nonsensically until he wore himself out. You know better now.

“Saeyoung, when was the last time you slept?”

You hear him counting to himself. “Twelve, thirteen, fourteen…twenty-six, twenty-seven…” Oh no. “Forty-four hours ago!” he sings triumphantly.

“Saeyoung!”

“Whaaat?”

“Forty-four hours ago was when I last spent the night. You haven’t slept since then?”

“Nooope. But it’s okaaaay! God Seven can work for much longer without sleeping because it’s what he was programmed to do!” He draws out his syllables, speaking in a sing-song.

“Hey. Stop. Listen to me.” You know he hears the frustration in your voice because he shuts up right away. “You do not work for the agency anymore. Even Saeran is sleeping right now, like a normal person. You do not need to work through the night anymore.”

“But I do,” he says. His voice sounds a little more subdued now. “The agency may be done, but there’s still so much cleanup work to do. There’s so many loose ends. If I’m resting, they’re tracking Saeran, tracking Vanderwood, tracking you… I can’t—”

“No,” you say. “Uh-uh.” You’re already slipping out of bed, groping around in the dark for some sweatpants. “I know there’s still work to do and I know you’re worried about keeping us safe. And you can do that work. After you’ve slept for eight hours.”

He laughs and it sounds almost like a sob. “I’ve just found him,” he says, so quietly you can barely hear him. “I’ve just got him back. If anything happens to him…”

“I know,” you say. “I know, babe. But none of that matters if you work yourself to death in the process.”

You’ve got pants, you’ve got shoes. You grab a jacket and the keys to the rental car Saeyoung insisted on paying for so you wouldn’t be reliant on him while he was holed up in his bunker with Saeran.

“Hah,” he says. “It would take a lot more than a few hours of work to kill me.”

You’re outside, the cool air bracing you, waking you the rest of the way up.

“I’d like you one hundred percent alive instead of just barely hanging on,” you tell him.

You throw open the car door with perhaps slightly too much force.

He hesitates. “What was…are you outside?”

“Yes. I’m coming over.”

“You—g-gah, what?!” He sounds frantic. You hear a crash—almost as if he’s sweeping something (realistically, a pile of junk food) off his desk.

“I’m coming over right now and putting you to bed. If you don’t want me to stay, I won’t, but you are going to sleep one way or another,” you say. You start the car and you know he hears it through the phone—you’re not playing around.

“I’m perfectly capable of—” he whines.

“Thirty minutes. Love you,” you say, and hang up before he can respond.

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

You get there in no time because the roads are empty. He’s cleverly disabled the car’s built-in GPS so that the rental company can never access any of the data, never pinpoint his address (not that his bunker actually has an address). It doesn’t matter: you know the way by heart.

You give the password that will let you into the garage, park, and peer into the retinal scanner by the door—he’s added this feature for you, only for you. The door welcomes you by name and swings open with a soft click.

The bunker feels bigger and emptier at night; it’s completely dark except for the tiny ray of light coming from his office door, which is cracked open just a hair. You sigh. You’d had hope—just a little—that knowing you were coming would guilt him into just going to bed already. But he is stubborn.

You pad across the huge living room and knock gently on his door. He knows you’re here, of course—he’s probably been watching you on the cameras ever since you pulled into the driveway. But just in case—he’s not someone you want to ever catch off guard.

“Hi,” he says softly—his voice sounds far away. You push open the door.

“Oh, Saeyoung…”

His office is never exactly tidy, but this is a disaster zone.

There are chip bags and other assorted wrappers strewn over the desk and on the floor around it. Several creepy, half-built robots lay at odd angles on the couch and floor, as if he’s been fiddling with them as he works and then tossing them aside—one blinks eerily at you with its single eye. There are clothes thrown over the couch and the backs of his various desk chairs, as though he’s been managing to periodically change outfits without ever setting foot in his bedroom.

And there he is, your precious, anxious, manic boy, sitting in his chair with his knees pulled up to his chest, hunched over his desk, fingers still moving over the keys even as he turns to look at you.

“You didn’t have to come,” he says, his voice hoarse.

“That’s a crappy greeting for your favorite person in the world who just drove here in the middle of the night,” you say, but you’re not not really angry at him—how could you be, when he’s in this state? You cross the room, stepping over the piles of junk. Up close, he looks terrible—there are dark circles under his eyes and he has that pale, hollow look he gets when he goes too long without seeing the sun.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters. “Bright, wonderful people like you should be asleep at this time of night.”

“Everyone should be asleep at this time of night,” you tell him. You brush the messy, tangled hair off his forehead and kiss him on the cheek. He closes his eyes for a moment, humming contentedly; then he reaches for you, tilting his head up for a proper kiss. 

“Nuh-uh,” you say, and he deflates, pouting. “Find a stopping point—the first possible stopping point. Then you are going to bed.”

“Orrrrr…” he murmurs, nuzzling his head against your waist. One hand trails up your leg, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“Saeyoung.”

“Fiiiine.” He reluctantly spins his chair around, types another line. “You go get in the bed,” he says, eyes on the screen. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Nope.” You cross your arms and sit on the couch, moving aside half of a robot dragon. “I don’t trust you.”

He makes a sound somewhere between a hiss and a groan and starts typing more quickly. Good. If he’s motivated to finish faster because you’re now losing sleep, then so be it. At least he’s stopping.

The sound of his typing soothes you. You fiddle with the little dragon—it will be very cute, once he builds the other side of its head. His typing slows. He hits a few more keys. You recognize the sounds of him finishing up—god knows how much collective time you’ve spent listening to him work.

“Okay,” he says at last, and you look up to see him getting out of his chair, a little clumsily.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

You skip to him and grab his hand. “Bedtime,” you say seriously, tugging him behind you: through the door, down the hall. He laughs, and it’s the most genuine he’s sounded all night. You throw open the door to his room and take a running leap onto the bed. He’s still laughing, watching you from the doorway with warm eyes.

“Come,” you say, wriggling yourself into the blankets, holding out your arms to him. Obediently, he shuts the door and comes to you, falling headfirst onto the messy pile of pillows and blankets and you. He groans quietly, his shoulder muscles finally relaxing. You pull him toward you and he settles his head onto your chest.

“S’feels nice,” he slurs, snuggling into you. You see how hard the exhaustion is hitting him now that he’s closed his eyes; you make a snug nest of blankets around him, tucking them up to his neck.

“I’ve got you,” you whisper. “You can rest now.”

“Mmmmmm but…” His words are hard to make out, his voice already thick with sleep. “But there are soooo many other things we could be doing…in this bed…”

He tries to lift an arm, vaguely brushing his fingertips over your neck. You giggle.

“Shhhh, love. Maybe in the morning,” you tell him. You kiss the top of his head, nuzzling your nose into his messy, sweet-smelling hair. He doesn’t respond. “Babe?”

His head is heavy on your chest. You feel his breath on your neck, slow and steady. You smile to yourself—he’s already asleep.

So you wrap your arms tightly around him and close your eyes, head propped on top of his. You are a mess of blankets and limbs and heartbeats and you feel impossibly, indescribably safe. “Goodnight, Saeyoung,” you whisper.

[dcbutinamrev]

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but this goes out for everyone who might need some encouragment or motivation. Maybe you need it, maybe you don’t and that’s okay! It’s always here for you if you do. Also, happy August 1!!! One more month until fall season and this stupid, ridiculous hot weather can be gone!! 

~~~

Today’s a new day, y’all. Everyday is a new day to start over and become fresh again. Remind yourself, what if this is the last day I got? Make the best of today as if it were your last. Do things you love that make you make you happy and calm whether that’d be writing, reading, exercising, drawing, whatever it is. Do it. Don’t listen to people who tell you not to or to tell you can’t do it. Everyone on here is special in their own way and that I am here to have your back each day. You all are extremely talented in your own ways and have special gifts no one else has. The biggest takeaway I have learned myself over the past year, is to never give up. Yes, we’ve all heard that phrase before, but I’m serious. Never, ever give up. Just keep going and pushing like your climbing a moutain to reach your goal. You’re a boss, you are unstoppable. Nothing can stop you. 

As a person who struggles with mental health such has body dysmorphia, intrusive thoughts, high anxiety and mild depression along with too many disabilities to count, I understand how it feels. I understand how it feels to be left out sometimes because you don’t understand the things other people do. But this? This won’t stop me from reaching my goals and accomplishing my ambitions. I have scoliosois and that hasn’t stopped me from passion for dancing and fitness in general. I have scoliosis and I can lift a barebell and it doesn’t hurt a bit. I have socliosis and I can do flips and splits and spins and it won’t bother me at all. Scoliosis and having DiGeorge Syndrome won’t stop me from doing what I love. And whatever you have going on personally, mentally, or physically shouldn’t stop you from doing what you love most too. 

A couple of things I have learned from the Rock himself, my biggest motivator and inspiration, over the past year: 

“What’s the key to success? There is no key. Be humble, be hungry, and always be the hardest worker in the room.” This grately motivates me to be a hard worker, never stop working. Work harder than anyone else you’re around with. Be their inspiration. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from the Rock: “One should never settle for anything that hurts their self-respect.” Meaning, you have to become that person who has enough boldness and confidence to tell others to shut their mouths when they are foul-mouthing behind your back.

To feel successful, you got to be determined. As cliché as it sounds, always believe in yourself. Push yourself higher, climb that mountain and get that star.

Put aside small stuff that will bother you or annoy you or one that will create hindrances and become focused and determined in yourself and success will come your way.

Be consistent. Without consistency you can easily fall off that mountain. If you are committed to complete a task, give it your all into achieving it. As I’ve said, nothing can stop you.

~A couple of tips that have helped me mentally~

Of course everyone is different. Everyone has a different taste. But these are what helped my mental health. Of course, I am still struggling with battling it but it’s every now and then.

1) Create a routine. For morning and evening.

I am still struggling on the evening part. But basically my mornings are this:

3:45 - Wake up and get up make the bed and get dressed instantly.

3:50- practice gratitude (just by listing 3 things your grateful for each day can have a huge impact) and journal (getting your thoughts down onto paper can help you become more clearer in mind and calmer.)

4:00- Yoga. (I do yoga every day or try too. It’s good for you both mentally and physically and is especially helpful for my back. And sets my day right)

4:10-4:30-4:45 : Read. This is the time where I’ll usually read a chapter or two of a book to get my mind working and ready to write.

5:00- I’m at my desk, working until breakfast around 6:30 to 7. 

2) No socials until a certain time.

I don’t use any social media until 8:00 in the morning. This helps me a lot. As I can focus on myself and my priorites and not spend the first hours in the morning scrolling through socials and wasting time. So, I’d suggest picking a certain time that works for you and give those hours before hand to yourself. 

3) Excercise

I know I say this so many times before, but excerising has so many benefits than just weight loss. Especially with mental health. When you exercise, your brain releases something called endorphins which are the chemicals in your brain that make you feel happy. That is partially why I love it. Excercising isn’t expensive. You don’t have to have a gym membership to be able to move around. It can be simple as going on a short walk or a 30 minute dance break or even a 10 minute at home workout video. It doesn’t have to be difficult or hard, change it up, have fun with it! Be creative! Learn a different form or try a new one. It can also help release stress and anger or frustration in a healhy way. I love doing boxing/punching moves. I imagine whatever has annoyed me and pretend it’s right in front of me and bam! Punch it out of the way! Though, I must admit, my favorite exercise to do is a plank. Any plank. 

4) Do things you love 

Do things that you love to do. Do things that bring you joy and happiness and make you feel confident in yourself. It can be anything! Whether that’d be dressing up, or writing or working on your WIP, or drawing, or dancing or whatever is. Have fun and do it! 

5) Listen to your body. 

This is extremely important. Don’t ignore what your body wants or needs. If it says it’s tired and it needs to rest, allow it! If it says it’s hungry or it’s thirsty, give it fuel! If it says it needs a break from the screen and do something physical, do it! Listen to your body. 

6) It’s okay to ask for help. 

I used to struggle with this a lot when I was in high school or in school in general. I would always keep thoughts and questions to myself and try to do it my own and, let’s be honest here, I even got scolded at a couple of times for not asking for help. So please, if you ever need help with anything, my DMs and ask box are always open. Not everything can get accomplished on it’s own. You might just need a couple of pair of hands. 

7) Read 

Reading a book also has many benefits as to stress-relief and improving vocabulary. It can help generate ideas for your WIP or a story you want to create. It can also help you forget things in which has bothered you or frustrated you as you can get lost into the fictional world. One of my favorites. 

8) Practice a new skill. 

Find something you’ve always wanted to try to do and give it a go! For example, I’ve recently learned how to make and edit videos. 

9) Spend time with family 

Take a break from the socials and the online life and go spend time with your family. Play a game or watch a film or tv show together or go to the store or on a family walk or play with your dogs outside or whatever it is! Make sure you take time out of your day to spend with your family. Even if they are jerks sometimes. 

10) Take time for yourself, practice self-care. 

Self-care is extremely important. Take a day where you don’t get on socials and focus on you. For me it’s Saturday. Saturdays are when I spend time mainly working on my WIP and not on socials and just overall taking care of yourself mentally, physically, mindfully, and spirtually and just relax. Then on Sundays, it’s back on the grind. You can also look up some videos on YouTube to help create ideas. 

~~~

Hope these help y’all for those who need it. If any of you ever need anything, advice, questions, encouragment, etc. my DMs and ask box are always open! But these are mainly what I have learned over the past few years and based on my own expeirence. Of course, as I’ve said previously, everyone is different! Feel free to reblog if you wish!

[tired-fandom-ndn]

I just wanted to say it's nice to see a blog like this! It's really refreshing to see when someone is both critical of media, but in a balanced, nuanced way.

Which is probably my biggest beef with antis, actually. They've warped and mutilated the entire concept of being critical of media, and then made it widespread enough that everyone who is not an anti or anti-adjacent assumes it's in bad faith.

Even when we're not getting into "how fiction effects reality" stuff, it's hard to have a good debate on themes or ships or characterization anymore without worrying some is going to bring in some moral superiority stuff. I know ship wars have always been vicious, but this seems to be scaring more people off from even good faith discussions.

It sucks. I enjoy being critical of media because I like knowing how things work. It's also interesting how a lot of it comes back to knowing how writing and storytelling works as well. There are so many time where you can pin down a narratively weak or unsatisfying element to the creator's biases getting in the way, or how audience interpretation vs what the creator intended can differ so much based on what assumptions the creator thought the audience would have.

But more importantly, it's an important skill to have in general. Navigating media and just society in general is complicated, and it's not a simple good or bad set of rules you can memorize. You have to understand how these things work to be better and not reproduce the exact same toxic bullshit with a different coat of paint

Thank you for this message, anon! I try incredibly hard to approach media critically and thoughtfully and to stay aware of my own biases and the messages being shared in the media I enjoy.

You’re absolutely right about how antis have warped media discussions and meta in pretty much every way. The morality that antis follow has surpassed shipping and now it feels like every single discussion about characters or themes involves accusations of characters being abusive or toxic or predatory for completely surreal reasons. Even in decent discussions, there’s also the way that shipping is brought up solely as a gotcha or to shut someone out of the conversation. There’s been so many points where I’ve made posts about general fandom stuff and gotten people bringing up shipping just to undermine me.

I absolutely love analyzing media. It is one of my favorite aspects of canon, picking things apart to understand the messages and the creator’s biases and the ways that fans interpret different things. I like trying to understand why certain choices were made in the canon, why certain characters are shipped so much, why the author leans on some themes so heavily. Sometimes I don’t always like the conclusions (this ship is more popular because the alternative is one with a Black character and Black people are undervalued as love interests by society, this character is written in this way because the author has ableist biases and sees disabled people that way, this fictional culture is inspired by real cultures but in a way that is disrespectful and appropriative, etc) but I always come out of those discussions with a better understanding of the media in question and the fandom for it.

And I don’t get why people don’t also enjoy that! It’s so much fun! It’s so interesting! It’s great for engaging with other people and making your fandom more diverse and opening up new concepts and theories! Media analysis, in my own personal experience, does nothing except make a fandom more creative and thoughtful and welcoming.

I don’t always agree with the conclusions that other people draw, but that’s what makes things so interesting and gives so much variety to fandom. I wish that meta and media analysis wasn’t so dominated by antis because it really is ruining fandom experiences and making it harder to engage thoughtfully with media and fan communities.

[rayblaine107]

This is Part five.

Basically Bipolar Y/N With Yandere Tamaki

part 4

For the past month ever since Tamaki gets home he goes straight back to his room to great Y/n. Today was no different but today he walks into a room filled with paper strewn across the floor, some of it is ripped and some looks burnt? How-? He’ll think about that later. Your at the headboard of the bed writing frantically. Your eyes seem to be glazed over, almost like you’re not even there. He steps closer to you in concern.

“Y/n?” He calls out your name gently but it’s like you don’t hear him. Or you’re straight out ignoring him. He comes closer and places a hand on the top of your notebook.

“Don’t.” Your tone is clipped and almost dark. You look at him in desperation. “Don’t make me stop. I can’t.” Taking a deep breath Tamaki relealizes today was a bad day. He lets go of the notebook and you get back to writing. Looking around he starts picking up the paper and by the time he’s done there could well be a small book. He places them on the side table before looking at your form with sorrow. He pulls out his phone to call the agency. He’s taking some time off. It’s the second bad day in a row. He’s not going to have you hurt yourself. You’re not normally high risk from what he’s observed, but he didn’t like the thought of taking a chance. He takes one more glance at you before deeming it safe enough for him to take a shower. Once done he checks his phone to see a text from Hado. She and her friend can stop by tomorrow, good. Once he enters the bedroom he sees you with your head in your hands. Your trembling. Slowly he sits next to you and puts the notebook aside. He hesitates but decided to gently lay his hand on your back. Oh how he just wants to hold you close. Let you know he’s got you, thy you’re safe here, with him and only him. But the last time he did that before you were ready you pushed him away so fast and hard he fell to the ground and you wouldn’t stop apologizing for half an hour.

“Butterfly? Darling? Can you tell me what you need?” You shake your head as you grit your teeth.

“I don’t know.” You whisper. Tamaki frowns.”it’s too much, everything is too much. My thoughts are racing, I can’t seem to get them out fast enough. My body isnt moving fast enough. It’s like everything is in slow motion and I just keep messing up.” You growl as you grip your hair and pull, Tamaki rushes to untangle you hand from your hair and laces his fingers through yours.

“Don’t hurt yourself. If you need to grip something use my hand. I don’t mind if it hurts.” You look at him slightly confused before gripping his hand as hard as your can before relaxing it. The indigo haired man hums offers a light squeez in return. “What can I do?” You look desperate as you shake your head.

“I don’t know. I tried writing and it helped for a bit but now I keep stumbling on my words and it’s making it worse. I tried crocheting a but that really did nothing for me. I tried drawing but it wasn’t looking right or how I wanted.” Tamaki whimpers before resting his forehead against yours.

“Is there anything else that has worked before that you’re not doing now?” You take a deep calming breath.

“Painting. And sometimes I’d bake.” Tamaki’s breath hitched. Baking? That’s mean he’d have to let you in the kitchen. Was it safe for that? There where knives there. A stove and oven that could burn you. But he’d be there with you. Right? He could let you paint but he doesn’t feel safe leave you right now so he’d have to call Mirio to get some supplies for you. Could you deal with his personality though while he was here. He knew he was having an anxiety attack in his head but looking at you, the suffering on you face he made a decision. Grabbing his phone he texted Mirio.

“This is what we’re going to do. Mirio is going to come over. He’s going to get you some painting supplies and we’ll try that first.” He smiles softly at you caressing your cheek. “I don’t want to, I think it’s risky. But having you get worse has far more risk. So if that doesn’t work I’ll help you bake okay?” Your breath hitched. You didn’t even think he’d consider letting you out of the room so soon. Sure he said he’d have to help and that would probably be annoying but it’s probably the best compromise you’ll get. Nodding in agreement you grip his hands tightly once again.

“I’m probably not what you expected.” You sound rather dejected, turning to face away. Tamaki only smiled.

“I had a lot of different scenarios in my head. I have anxiety you know?” You looked over at him. The media portrayed him as shy and you had suspected it could be something like that. “I had to think of everything, how bad it could be, how I could possibly help. How desperate you might get, how you might run. How you’d have more reason to if you had close enough friends. Or a job that made you leave? Why do you think anyone who ever tried to get close just went away? Why do you think you got disability assistance so easily?” He looked craized, lovestruck. “No one will ever know you like I do. No one will ever love you like me.” You look at him and sigh. You had a feeling it was like that. Tamaki’s gaze softened and eyes brightened as you showed no disgust or hesitation. “I’ve been preparing for months. Y/n. It might not be exactly what I expected. But I’ve got you. I will keep you safe. I love you so much there’s no way I can even breathe without you.” Tamaki reaches a hand up to caress your cheek. “It’s gonna be okay my butterfly. I’ll never let you go or let you down. I’ll be anything you could ever be or ever want I promise.” You nod into his hand before clenching your eyes shut and squeezing his hand.

“Okay”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #282

“daddy’s flown across the ocean / leaving just a memory / a snapshot in the family album / daddy, what’d you leave behind for me?”

What is your favorite type of dance? I like modern dances, especially those unusual or creepy with unique music. They’re the dances I look forward to watching in dance competitions. Do you find making scenes in public fun? Oh fuck no. Lemonade or pink lemonade? Pink is Supreme in so many ways. Where do you feel safest? At home, especially if Mom is here. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I’d love to. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? No. I don’t want to move to Africa. What do you like to do when you're home alone? HAHA okay so I almost exclusively watch Unus Annus when Mom isn’t home because I will almost without a doubt cackle at least once, and… explaining why I’d be laughing would be WILD. UA is a fucking gift & I’mma miss it when it’s gone. What kind of music calms you down? My best bet is nostalgic music that I hold very close, like Ozzy. The soundtracks to SotC and SH2 are also magical when it comes to soothing me. Who did you last go to a park with? Uhhhh… probably not since I took family pictures for someone. Got some nice ones. Have you ever been robbed? Thankfully, no. Are you working, a student, both, or neither? Neither, and at nearly 25, it’s fucking humiliating. I’m thinking of appealing my disability case (you very rarely get it the first time), but of course self-doubt and anxiety just slaps me across the face again and again by asking, “Do you really need it?” That shit is agonizing. Very highly regarded people in my life agree that it’s realistic for me, at least at this moment, while I sort out my mental health. I don’t plan on being on it forever, fuck no. But right now I am, no matter what anyone says, a leech in my home. What's your favorite holiday? Christmas. I prefer Halloween’s “vibe,” of course, but I am much more excited and just thankful at Christmastime, especially now as an aunt with children who *understand* the holiday. Their joy and excitement is enough of a gift to me. It’s always really hard on Mom because she’s convinced she doesn’t do enough (she cries at least once like… every year), but my sisters and I always reassure her. It’s also a nice opportunity to see Dad and my stepmom, also with my sister’s family, and once again we get to see the kids so happy. But enough about them; what I love most about Christmas is I generally am able to put my troubles into perspective and take the time to remember I am, in the big picture, lucky to have what and who I do. And SNOW!!!!! If you can’t tell I’m stoked for Christmas. Do you prefer male or female friends? Both are great, but I’m more relaxed with female friends because of the whole “scared of men” ordeal. What's your favorite dessert? Biiiiihhhhh lemme get my hands on ice cream. Do you ever go on chatroulette or omegle? Noooo, I never did. That shit creeps me out. Besides, I’m shy. What kind of tea do you drink? None. Do you know anyone in a gang? Not to my knowledge… What color is your fridge? White. We decided to use the fridge already in this house versus our old one. Is your phone mostly on vibrate, silent, or ringtone? It’s just about always on vibrate. Do you own black sunglasses? I don’t own any sunglasses. Are you currently looking for a job? Fuck if I know. Not actively, but if something suitable magically popped up, I’d definitely pursue it. Do you watch MTV? No. Do you like to tell people who you like? Historically, I tend to keep my mouth shut about it to people who know that love interest unless explicitly asked, and even then, it depends on if I think they’ll keep their mouth shut. How often do you braid your hair? It’s too short to be braided. I very rarely had it braided beforehand. What color is your microwave? Black. Do you wash your face in the morning when you wake up? If I remember, especially if I’m groggy. Are you interested in the ocean? No more or no less than the average person. What's a big turn on for you? Keeping physical stuff outta this, I’m just such a fuckin sucker for being authentically romantic lmao. Have you ever thought about being a teacher? Heeeeeelllllll no. What's the first thing you do when you turn your computer on? Close out of the stuff that automatically pops up after it starts. Do you drink Gatorade? Ugh, ew, no. Do you hate when people replace 0's with O's? EX: 9:OO AM. Lol no, it’s honestly aesthetically pleasing in some formats. Did you hate riding the bus? Some of my best school memories are the long bus rides home w/ Jason so uh- Do you ever use XOXO in texts, letters etc..? Nah. Has anyone ever told you they liked you to your face? Yeah. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. Reading or writing? Writing. Do you have a childhood nickname? Mom called (and sometimes still does lakjdf;alkwe) me “Twinkie.” She gave sweets-oriented nicknames to all her kids. Have you ever had a Moon Pie? UGH they’re gross. I have this faint memory as a kid of a sweetheart babysitter my sisters and I had always offering us banana moon pies as a snack or dessert, idr. I’ve always hated anything banana-flavored. Has your car ever had troubles? N/A What's your birthstone? Amethyst. Would you join the navy? I want nothing to do with anything remotely related to war. What's your favorite board game? Battleship. Do you like chess? I’ve never played it nor even know the rules. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? I was absolutely parched after a long, sweaty walk and was offered it to “try” by my mom without me knowing it was alcohol… the “WAIT NO STOP” from everyone was so quick lmao. It was just hard lemonade, so nothing super serious. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectantly turned up pregnant right this second? I probably would. There is no fucking way I can emotionally handle carrying a baby right now. But I’d feel like absolute shit, even though I’m pro-choice. I just don’t want to picture myself in that situation. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? Probably. Although generally, I’m very resilient to peer pressure when it comes to something I really don’t want to do. What is your favorite video game console? Why? PS2, of course. I think the best games came from that era, many ahead of their time. Example, the original Shadow of the Colossus graphics massively pressured the limits of the software, and it still to this day blows me away. Sure, you have some lag in return, but the end result was just magnificent. I seriously, seriously, seriously hope I’m able to play the remake one day. When you lost your virginity, were you sober? I was. As of this minute, what is going through your mind? How I need a change and purpose in life so motherfucking badly. Where’s the last place you went? I was riding around with Mom, doing some errands. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. When was the last time you went apple picking? Never. Do you have a good relationship with your cousins? We don’t really… have a relationship. We don’t talk, we just kinda “exist” knowing we’re related. What was the last kids movie you saw? I watched some of Hotel Transylvania 3 with my niece and nephew. Do you know anyone who was born in Africa? When I was still in college, there was at least one guy in my class who was. Tutored me in math. Patience of a saint, haha. Have you ever been to an internet cafe? I actually have zero clue what that is. Has the year gone quickly for you so far? I’ve barely discerned 2018-2020, if I’m being honest with you. It’s just a lump of time where I’ve done jack-all. I mean yeah, school fits in there somewhere, but mentally I wasn’t in a wonderful place and haven’t been “happy” for a long time. My mental state has been the same for a few years. How many siblings does your significant other have? N/A Are you one of those people who can drink vodka straight? Oh, I hiiiighly doubt it. I loathe the taste of alcohol. Do you share a middle name with any of your friends? I legitimately have one of the most basic white bitch middle names in America, I know tons. How many pairs of jeans do you own? None. Do you know the name of the pharmacist at your local drug store? One, yes, considering Mom worked there before the cancer and is still in touch with this pharmacist. What flavor is your toothpaste? Mint. Are you sleepy right now? I think I’m permanently sleepy. Do you like crime films and tv shows? Not especially. Are you bitter about anything? Many things. What was the first online account you remember having? Neopets. My older sister helped me set it up when I was somewhere around eight. Do you use emojis? More than I used to. I’m gradually converting from emoticons to emojis, oof. What was the last type of soda you drank? Mountain Dew. Do you remember much from high school? I probably remember too much from high school, if I’m being honest. I remember far too much in far too much detail during the almost four years I dated Jason. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Probably the Bahamas, mostly for the pink beaches, aha. It would also be an incredible photography opportunity. Do you know anyone who has a strong accent that is hard to understand? My former best friend’s dad was so southern that yes, I could barely understand him whatsoever. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? If you mean a fresh, new one and not a glow-up on the Mark tribute tat I’ve mentioned five thousand times, a tribute to Teddy featuring his portrait, pawprint, and the Powerwolf lyrics “and we’ll meet where the wild wolves have gone.” I’m going to be picky as a motherfucker about the design itself, though, so realistically it probably wouldn’t be tomorrow since I’d probably commission people to draw in varying styles. Ugh, I need that tattoo gun, my man. What was the last podcast you listened to? Do you listen to it regularly? That would be 4 Peens in a Pod (it’s… not a porn I swear, it’s Fischfuck and the boys lmao). I’m waaaaaaaaaaay behind on it, though. I watch so many different things now that I’m behind on like… everything I watch/listen to. Are you on a first-name basis with your boss? (or last boss if unemployed) I think I was with all of them? What was the last thing you wrote in a Word document? This survey. Because I combine short ones into Big Boys that I usually don’t finish in one go, I save my progress on it. Who do you miss and what do you miss about them? I miss a number of people and would rather not retrospect on them. What were the best and worst costumes you’ve ever worn? *shrug* Do you know anybody who is gay and married? I think so. What did you last take painkillers for? A headache. Are there any hobbies you want to get back into? Ugh. A whole fucking lot. I’ve thought quite a bit recently on how I miss video editing, but I just don’t have the motivation and dedication for that anymore. Have you ever shared a home with a friend? Yes. What’s the craziest or weirdest place you’ve ever slept? Nowhere that strange at all… Probably just like, the floor, but even then with blankets and stuff. What did you have for lunch today and who made it? I haven't had lunch yet. Are you allergic to anything? How did you find out? Pollen is pretty obvious, while serious discoloring and itching let me know I was allergic to silver. Have you ever been on a date with someone you met online? How was it? Yeah, I was visiting her for a couple weeks. It was nice. Who was the last very physically attractive person you saw? In ~real life~, probably some friend on Facebook. Do you know anyone who is deaf? We recently found out actually that my youngest niece is deaf in her left ear due to a massive buildup of fluid in it. I’m so ready to hear about her reaction to hearing normally once it’s taken care of. Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? Probably at some point. “Ever” makes this question difficult. Do you think you have a good understanding on love? Yes. What do you think of your parent(s)? I love them both immensely while acknowledging their flaws. What celebrity do you think should of never become famous? I don’t care enough to think on this honestly haha. Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? What about the Harry Potter craze? Neither. What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I Kissed a Girl"? It was bold for its time, for sure. I’ve never minded it. Actually since coming out as bi I’ve known that this song has to be included in the recession dances of my wedding if my partner is female lmao. Do you believe in heaven? If so, what's it like? If not, why? I hope there’s some sort of total bliss after death if you’re deserving of such, but I don’t know. I definitely don’t know how I actually picture it. Even if there’s not, well, I’m assuming I just won’t exist anymore, so I wouldn’t be able to care anyway. Sometimes I hope that's the case. What email service do you use for your main (or only) email account? Hotmail. Did you ever believe in the Tooth Fairy? Yeah. I remember there was one time where “she” didn’t trade my tooth for munz and I was so mad lmao. Mom apparently forgot and slipped something under the pillow while I was getting ready for school. How I fell for it, who knows man, kids are wild. How do you feel about Taco Bell? I’m not a Mexican food fan, really, but I do love their cheese (with or without chicken) quite a bit. The cinnamon bite things are bomb as FUCK, too. I’m still mad tilted they took potato products off their menu tho because I used to destroy the fiesta potatoes. How often do you go on to YouTube? I’m like… always on it. Not focusing on it at all times, but something’s in the background. Back when Spongebob Squarepants was famous, were you interested in it? Well of course, man. What's your dream pet? Ugggghhhh a sunset morph ball python, probably. Buuut I’ve seen some over $2k with their rarity. More realistically, I really, really want a Brazilian Black tarantula. And an arctic morph hognose. I want a lot of pets. ;_; Who's been your favorite teacher growing up, and why? God, I have a lot, honestly. All things considered, the answer is probably Miss Tobey, who was my physical science teacher in high school. She’s an extremely close family friend now involved regularly in my family’s lives. She can be… difficult and says shit before thinking, but we love her nevertheless. What's your favorite fairy tale? Fuck outta here if you say Shrek isn’t one. Do you have a favorite pen? Uh, no… I barely ever use pens anyway. Has a child ever asked you a question you found difficult to answer? Yeah; it happens sometimes with my niece and nephew. Name five books you've read in the past year. I think I’ve read the first three Wings of Fire book within the same year, and I’m currently on the forth. Other than those, I started The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but only got through the prologue I think before my focus shifted onto WoF. I still plan on reading it at some point, though. ^Are any of those books your favorite? No. The prequel to The Testaments, The Handmaid’s Tale, is very high up there, though. Are you a person that enjoys re-reading books? Not at all. Once I read it once, I’m done. There are VERY few books I’ve reread, and most of those were children’s books from when I was little. Do you have a favorite talk show host? Don’t watch any. Which sounds the most refreshing: a hot shower or a cold one? I prefer hot showers unless I seeeeeriously need to cool down. Have you ever made your own soap? No. Can you sleep with socks on? UGH NO. When was the last time you were pissed beyond belief and why? Ummm good question. I don’t know about *that* mad. Maybe when Ashley’s mother-in-law shared a massively homophobic article that condoned conversion therapy on Facebook that resulted in me removing her from my friends and RAGING to my mom about it. That was forever ago, though. Do you have a favorite candle brand? No. What is your opinion on taxidermy? I have… very mixed feelings. If the animal was hunted for sport, then it’s fuckin disgusting; you literally killed an animal with the intention to show off the fact you’re a goddamn murderer. On the other hand, taxidermy of naturally-deceased animals can be educational, and even… artistic sometimes? I don’t know. I can’t really pick one stance over the other. Would you ever want to own a body part in a jar? Actually, yes, particularly of fetal animals (that WERE NOT killed for the sake of displaying), but for the same reasons above, I’m not sure if I would *really* do it. They are incredibly interesting to me, more so than taxidermy probably, but yeah, I still question the morality of it. What is the worst thing you have ever done to your own hair? I don’t think I’ve ever really done a “bad” thing to my hair. What qualities of yours do you think could potentially harm a relationship? I’m very clingy and, in the beginning, very paranoid that you’re going to leave. Have any of your childhood habits carried over into adolescence/adulthood? I had AWFUL separation anxiety from my mom for a very long time as a kid, and I guess that evolved into my extreme inability to handle loss well, maybe. I’d say they’re at least somewhat related. What is the first band that comes to mind when I say 'dark'? Cradle of Filth popped up first. As far as relationships go, what are your biggest deal-breakers? Abuse, arrogance, and distrust probably top the list. Be honest: do looks really matter to you? Nah. It’s nice to be physically attracted to my partner, but it’s not a must. Have you ever done something simply because you were of age? No. Do you think it's worth it to tell someone you had feelings for them when you don't have them anymore? I mean, what’s the situation? Are you hanging out, talking about relationships casually? I’d say it’s fine then if it’s relevant to the conversation. I don’t think it’s worth going out of your way to tell someone you liked them if you don’t anymore, though. Have you ever done something you once thought you'd be too chicken to do? Y’know that ride at fairs where you go up really high on a circular thing with other people and then drop abruptly? That. I screamed like a mf lmao. I had to put a lot of effort into not yelling “SHIIIIIIIIIIIT” lmao. What's a food you love but don't get to eat very often? Stuff involving shrimp, ig. What's your favorite mythical being? Dragons! Have you ever felt a baby kick? I don’t think so, and I don’t want to, considering it’s fucking terrifying to me. I can’t even see a baby move without screaming and wanting to hurl. When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? Who the fuck knows… What is the worst thing you've ever done when you were really angry? Said things I shouldn’t have. Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? A lot. I can’t be bothered to go through all of them. At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? I’m not sure. Do you feel that way around anyone now? I don’t think so. What is your main heritage? German or Irish, idr which is more prominent. What is a song that you hate to admit you like? “Bitches” by Hollywood Undead came to me first lmao. What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? More than anything, watching inspirational YouTube videos. What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? I suppose maybe my ears? I had tubes put in as a kid, I had an absolutely agonizing ear infection once, I had earwax adhered to my eardrum, and they've always been STUPID dry and flaky. Are you watching your weight? Like a hawk, but it doesn’t seem to matter anyway. :^) Have you ever become really good friends with someone you found online? Most of my closest friends I’ve met online. What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen? You’re asking the wroooong person, lol. I’ve just seen way too many… Have you ever created anything artistic that you're proud of? If so, what? Lots of things; drawings, some writing, photographs, video edits… What do you like on your hotdogs, if you eat hotdogs? Just ketchup and mustard. What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? Sex. What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? MEERKATS and MARK What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? Tell me I’m weak. Or that my mental illnesses truly do make me unlovable. Just essentially do fucking not make me feel what Jason did. What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone emotionally? Said some extremely mean and potentially scarring shit.

[psychoticparadox]

Introduction

So here we go again... I can’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve tried to be consistent with my blogging, but here goes another attempt.

As I go through life, I witness changes in myself & my environment as a whole.. Experiences build me and mold me, etc. Hopefully I am evolving throughout this process, but life is a roller coaster and I’m somehow still hanging on.

So, let’s get into this introduction a bit more with an ABOUT ME, shall we?

I think a proper greeting is due, so....

HELLO THERE! *waves*

My name is Angel. I am a shy introvert that over-analyzes every damn thing. Its both a nightmare and some cases enjoyable; depending who appreciates it and/or encourages it...if that makes sense. Some people admire my deep over-analyzing to details and therefore it energizes me and makes life as a whole FUCKING AMAZING...and simply put; WORTH LIVING. I literally crave this and thrive on this. This is my drive and simply put; keeps my crazy ass going.

Others will throw up road blocks that cause me to literally CRASH... I just shut down and become isolated, too afraid to share my most inner desires, dreams, identity, etc. When I shut down, I literally go into psychosis and helplessly drown in my own head. Often times, I contemplate suicide, as I feel so lost and engulfed in darkness... surrounded by loneliness and severe depression/anxiety. My self worth is fucked during those moments as my drive is deprived from my surroundings. 

I am a Cancer Crab Zodiac, but was suppose to be born as a Gemini. My mother was pregnant with me for 10 months vs the “normal” 9 months. So I tend to take on both zodiac characteristics which makes shit even more fucking complicating. 

I went to college for (too fucking long) for Psychology, Nursing, Law, and Arts. My passion seems to mostly be future based as a whole with whatever my surroundings may be. This means I may be adaptable, but also skip around like an ADD fucktard. 

Which brings me to my next “about me”; I studied Psychology due to my vast diagnosis. I have been diagnosed with the following..... *clears throat*.... oh wait, I’m typing....so um..... *cracks knuckles*....... 

Schizophrenia, Bipolar 1, ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, Narcolepsy, Cataplexy, OCD, Epilepsy, CPTSD, Aspergers, Legally Blind, Dyslexia ...the list just keeps going.... 

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking... “HOLY FUCK THIS CHICK IS NUTS”..... yes, yes I am, but it also helps me see the world so different at the same time, and helps me be more understanding. If I could explain it in a lump-sum, it helps me see the world in different shades of colors others may not see. I see many are misunderstood and therefore went into Psychology to help anyone else through their battles. I had to face most of my battles alone, in silence, and don’t want anyone else to feel how I did; alone. Its one of the worst fucking feelings there is, and I thrive in helping others problem solve, plan for the future, come up with a game plan, etc. I find the human mind so fascinating and just can’t help but gravitate to increasing my knowledge of it. Even though I already have my Doctorate's in Psychology, I still can’t get enough of the mechanics of how we operate as a whole, as no one person, no one illness, is the same. And I find that amazing. I am thinking of going back to school to get my PhD in NeuroPsychology, as this is only a few more years and will educate me further. This will allow me to study brain scans in a Psychologist way. Fucking neat right? Naw? Eh,,,,I’m odd. *grins*

People often think that because I am an INTJ (Introvert Intuition Thinking Judging) personality, that I lack feelings and emotions, when its completely the opposite. I am an empath and my crazy mind throws that into my own mess of more shit for me to over-analyze as well, so I tend to show my emotions in silent, or with those closest to me I trust. Around the “right people”, I am quite driven, nurturing, loving, protective, loyal, outgoing, etc. I realize I may come off as arrogant, and even seem to have narcissistic behaviors, due to being so shy and my illnesses, and severe CPTSD. I am usually pretty reserved at first, and mostly observe others and listen. Once I know how they ‘tick’, I then will open up pieces of myself I feel may be appropriate/acceptable. I try to give others inspiration and drive. If I feel a part of me will do them no good, I keep that piece of myself quiet. Sometimes its unavoidable and my moods/actions are uncontrollable, and I try to be as communicative about my situation as I can, but most of the time I am at war in my own head and can’t even communicate to my own damn self, so its even harder to push that communication to others during those times....then BOOM.....domino effect. They feel worse as well as me. So overall, I try to only talk if whatever I have to say will be of aid, not to just “fill the silence”. My head is so loud as it is, so it does make it harder to push through my own internal noise as well. 

As humans, we are our own worst critics it seems. This can be both beneficial and chaotic...and in some cases, (such as mine), completely disabling. To use this to our benefit, we must use it as lessons vs criticism. We need to grow and learn from our own thoughts and actions, as well as others, and NOT be criticizing it. Its hard to do, but the more we feed each other supportive inspiration, the brighter each of our futures will be. See what others have passion in, and fuel the fuck outta it. When you fuel others, you will fuel yourself; trust me. We are all empaths to an extent. We feed off each other. Most of the time this is referred to as “energy” and “vibes”....but its true. Whatever you put out into the universe will always return back to you... so I always quote “Spread those good vibes, y’all!” 

Now, if you’ve made it this far in my post, first let me just say THANK YOU. This means a lot to me. I felt (and still struggle with this to this day) of feeling invisible and secretly hated... so when anyone shows any interest in me, I light up. 

So onward of the whole “about me” I suppose, as well as my intro to this blog.

I needed an outlet to pour my mind into, as well as help others connect to me in a deeper way since I struggle with communication. My mind will literally overflow with thoughts that need to be thrown up somewhere, so heres one place they’ll go. I also plan to vblog on YouTube. I am a streamer on Twitch as well. I am on Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and will spread into other social medias as I see fit. 

I started streaming on Twitch October 27th, 2019. It changed my life in many ways. I started it to build a safe place community/family, and it has been amazing. I cannot be more thankful for our community family. I mostly do the “Just Chatting” feature on there, but stream game play from time to time, and multi-stream with others as well. I mostly focus on helping others with therapy chats for free & run on a ‘donation/subscription” basis. 

I absolutely love music. I’m obsessed with Rick & Morty. I used to be obsessed over Pusheen, and as I still have a place for that adorable feline in my heart, the obsession kinda faded. 

I love to game and favor adventure slash games and FPS mostly. 

I enjoy drawing anime, even though I have no interest in watching it. Go figure.

I write poetry from time to time. I also make jewelry, paint, etc. I love to design; whether it be decorating, technology based, fashion related, WTF ever....LOL I see it as an artistic way to plan I suppose?

I am a very misunderstood individual and hope for understanding for myself, as well as others. 

I will end this post there for now, and add on when the urge comes. I hope y’all stick around and enjoy my company. 

~peace & love~

xoxo angel (^_^)

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

You are an incredible writer! I absolutely love the way you write the Dadmight and Izuku dynamic, it’s amaaazing! Do you have any headcanons regarding them (and Inko??) you could elaborate on?

Oh hell yeah!

Izuku

- Izuku doesn’t go on as many of the hero forums anymore.  After the sports festival, there was a sizable debate as to whether he was a viable hero canidate or not; he’s got a cool, powerful ability, but it breaks him.  A lot of people in the latter camp weren’t nice about it.  Views have softened on him since then.

- Izuku will look at anything All Might recommends, no question.  They have similar tastes, so the like to discuss the books and movies they watch afterward.  Every once in a while, All Might will prank him with a bad movie just to see how long his successor will struggle to pretend to like it until he cracks.

- Has trouble accepting compliments.  After over a decade of kind words coming from sarcasm and pity, it’s hard.  But slowly, he’s getting better.

- Is the kind of person who when passing an animal in the car will say it out loud.  “Horses.” “Look at all the birds.”  “There was a dog in that car.”

- Anxious worker.  Any time he isn’t spending on training or class work is a problem.  Ever since his overtraining episode before recieving One for All, All Might mandated Izuku schedule in some personal time to just relax.  Sometimes, they spend it together.

- He was introduced to heroes via his dad.  Hisashi was a huge fan of All Might himself, so when the news ran a special for the anniversary of All Might’s debut, he watched the whole thing with two-year-old Izuku on his lap.

- He has notifications is his phone set for a week before each of his friends’ birthdays so he remembers to buy a gift.  Not that he needs them.

- Texts his mom good morning and goodnight everyday.  FaceTimes at least once a week.

- Sometimes, he can’t help but wonder how his life would have gone if he remained quirkless.  Would things have been better at another high school?  Which of his current friends would treat him different?  How?  Even his reconciliation with his mom about her lack of support didn’t come until after he got his quirk.  Those days, he sticks close to All Might, the one person he knows for sure wouldn’t think any different of him.

Inko

- Huge speculative fiction nerd.  Sci-fi, fantasy, and horror, the whole trifecta.  Has ranted to her family more than once about how frustrating it is that the first two tend to be haphazardly thrown together without much organization in book stores.  Penned a few short stories herself back in the day, but never had the nerve to try and publish them.

- Met Hisashi in a French course in college.  Both of them were only there for the credit and bonded over how much it sucked.

- Since both she and Hisashi were only children, they romanticized the idea of having a big family when they first got married.  They were discussing having another baby around when Izuku was declared quirkless.  Not wanted to make her son feel like he was being replaced, she shut the talk down.  They brought it back up occasionally, but never got very far.

- Though the quirkless make up about 20% of the total population, Izuku’s generation was less than 5%.  Most of the resources Inko found while researching how best to support him were mommy blogs with martyr complexes whining about how hard it was for them to raise “disabled” children.  She avoided everything they said like the plague.

- Still carries a lot of guilt for not being supportive of Izuku in his time of need.  Her showering him in hero merch despite not having a lot of money was a subconscious effort to fill the hole she dug between them.  After Izuku got into U.A., they had a long talk about it.  Another before he went off to the dorms.

- A friend of hers had been hounding Inko to join her catering business, and she agreed after Izuku moved out.  She’s now the lead baker.

- Her occasional discussions with All Might regarding himself lead her to do research on various types of diet restrictions, as well as experimenting to improve the limited dish options.  She and her coworkers regularly cater events that host people with such restrictions.

- Waffles back and forth between being in aw of all the incredible things her son has accomplished in such a short time, and dragging him back home where she knows he’ll be safe.  But that’s parenthood.

Toshinori

- Also a huge nerd, but for Sci-fi specifically.  His grandfather was a professor of American Speculative Fiction at a Japanese university, so he inherited a whole library of books when the man passed away.  Got even more while studying abroad.  He grew up reading them, and revisits often in his retirement.  Also regularly exchanges recommendations with Inko.

- Loves pre-quirk superheroes and comic books.  Superman, Shazam, and Blue Beetle were some of his favorites.  He got into the heroes of fiction before setting his sights on his own world.  A reoccurring theme he latched onto was the idea that regular people had just as much power to change the world as those with superhuman abilities.  

- Wanted to be a comic artist briefly.  He even practiced drawing.  But people really weren’t into fictional heroes anymore and the industry around real heroes at the time wasn’t at the point where people were making and selling comics for them yet.  He still has most of his old drawings, and is trying to pick the hobby back up.  Totally draws his students and coworkers.

- Before the Symbol of Peace was a thing, powerful villains regularly pulled large scale schemes reminiscent of old comics, such as holding entire towns hostage.  This happened more than once to young Toshi’s hometown, and once he started training with Nana he rode them out with her and Gran Torino.  They’d hole-up in Nana’s house with food, movies, and whatever gear they needed to hold off whatever quirk was threatening them for a couple days when the two adults weren’t trying to solve the problem.  As stressful as those times were in the moment, Toshi looks back on them fondly.

- Was initially very self conscious about Izuku’s fanboy worship.  The last thing he wanted to do was pressure the kid into doing something he wasn’t comfortable with.  He assured Izuku that he would think no less of him if the boy needed to cut back or didn’t want a certain subject brought up.  They’ve gotten more comfortable with one another’s boundaries over time, and now Toshinori only wields his influence to trick him into watching bad movies.

- When he was first looking in to being a teacher, before he even met Izuku, he asked around for guidance.  The best pice of advice he got: “be the person you needed when you were their age.”

- He looks at every piece of fan mail he receives.  His agency has a small department dedicated to scanning every letter and fanart into a program Toshinori can access from his phone or computer.  Fanart is displayed all around his agency for a time, then replaced with a new batch and put into storage.  Toshinori went back and found several pieces sent in by Class 1-A when they were young.  He keeps them all in a booklet at home.  Izuku sent several, and on the rare occasions he visits, Toshinori puts one of his on the fridge.

- There is a sizable area of his main agency open to the public.  There’s a museum dedicated to Nana and other heroes that influence his growth.  A small audotorium plays documentaries throughout the day, and sometimes hosts events related to hero issues.  In a small corner, there’s an unassuming desks where people in some sort of crisis, be it running from a bad home life or a villain who wants to change their ways but doesn’t know where to go, can find the help they need.

- After he took on Izuku as a student, he launched an internal investigation into his own agency and affiliated organisations to find anti-quirkless sentiment.  He’s in the process of putting together a transition plan for replacing a fourth of his staff.

- Used to be a huge foodie back before his injury.  Now lives vicariously by treating his friends and family (the Midoriyas) out to nice dinners at obscure places.

- He genuinely believes that, given the option, Nana would have picked Izuku over him.  And he’s more than okay with that.

Thank you so much for giving me an excuse to ramble.  If you want to see some of these headcanons in action, I have a fanfiction you can read:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17165612/chapters/40360787

[princessmovieticket]

Random, but.

My dad came over this weekend to drop something off, he said something (unintentionally) demeaning about one of my younger sisters and it lead to this discussion, as I was going through how he does this very often and he doesnt fully realize it's effects. He speaks in a guilting/shaming way, without even realizing it. My sisters/mom, we've all caught on, but it doesnt mitigates the effects it has on the way the family functions/we function as humans, and my youngest sisters are too young to realize this/not internalize it.

That's not even the post of this point, but anyway.

We got to a place where he was insisting prayer. The pray would really help me.

And I froze. I shut down as I began to search for a way to navigate this conversation.

Because I knew if I outright rejected him, and didn't tip toe around

I could just feel the reaction and consequences.

Ah, wait, this is related to what I first explained, lol.

I could see it. In the moment I knew if I said "Christianity, and your way of doing things, is not going to fix this."

Then he would then feel that he held the moral high ground. That the consequences my disability have on my life, could now be twisted back on to me because I can now be considered a person rejecting God with a pride that blocks any hope of things improving.

Something that would slowly grow, seeming to gain credibility, simply because I will continue to be disabled and run into the complications that arises from this.

Life happening to a person not devoted to God is some how proof of consequences,

Where as life happening to someone devoted to God, is...not....

I could see, things being used against me. Not just verbally, emotionally. Him leveraging "Christianity" against my limitations due to disability.

I'm on thin enough ice with using curse words in my comic and then including queer relationships. (Despite it's over all cartoony and..progressive/move forward, messages).

We speak nothing of it, cuz, well, WASP.

.....though he has come around considerably of topics of POC.

......this is what I grew up doing, I grew up learning to defend myself. To not have holes in my story, to communicate it completely.

And with my family I can usually do it to a level that builds respect, and a tonal shift.

Which, has actually been great.

When I was young, I was told the devil was wrapping his arms around me because I like anime and manga.

Now, all my younger sisters can watch as much, and read as much manga as they want.

They can say the word "depression".

They can say the words "birth control."

......they can go from being subtly fat-shamed and accused of giving into anxiety, not trying hard enough with online schooling, and everything else about them ignored

To being diagnosed with a knot in their intestine and hashimoto's.

From being "it doesnt matter that she's half black, skin tone doesn't make a difference."

To "it really matters."

I normalized challenging things that were doing harm.

Kinda at my own physical and emotional peril.

And it has paid off in many ways, but there's some things words can't fix.

Things I can't question.

To oppose my dad's go-to christian solutions, is to oppose/reject him as a person.

It's much of his identity.

But I don't want to pander to "solutions" that are not true solutions. That do harm and kinda ignore what's actually happening.

Prayer, in the sense he was talking about, is just a way for him to feel better about the situation.

It's frightening, the idea of someone next to me having feelings of warmth and hope that mitigate the harsher reality.

It's a jarring situation. It makes things feel...like there's even less control, less hope.

Some things I just have to let be. It's not a topic to be handled out right.

After all, perhaps less about prayer, and more so what he's able to understand, empathize, and be aware of.

Same as his "guilt" language.

Then again, I see the effect the church bubble has had of my entire family, and it's kind of awful.

But it's not the church bubble, it's the ignorance that live within it, the same sort of ignorance you think you're being freed of when your in the church bubble.

(To someone, that made sense).

.....my older sister was sexually abused within the church bubble. She grew up into mental illness, addictions, more abuse, a mess of either guilting language or high praise. And my dad's solution was always to send her to a christian camp. (The same camps known for being horrible gay conversion camps, something I did not learn until 3 years ago).

My dad thought Obama not far off from the antichrist.

I was disabled, while living at home, and would see him maybe once a month.

.....He's not the worst. This shit is not great, but dad wise, I could do much worse.

But the effect power imbalance with such a person, not only emotionally when growing up, but certainly as a physically disabled adult,

Is intensely uncomfortable.

I can deal with the contradictions of the family better than I use to.

It's just....so much too process.

Especially when I'm disabled to the point of needing his help, but also too disabled to be able to make things better for my sisters.

Sometimes I wish I was healthy just for their sake.

...At least loving comics has now been normalized... Hehe. I will forever remember the moment when I told them I was starting a webcomic and would being putting it up on webtoons and they lost their shit.

because that was the moment I realized "well, now I gots to do it."

And it's nice. To know whatever I put out, will very very likely be read by them. And they might not know when I'm writing about something serious, or drawing something silly, that it's just for their amusement. But it is.

And It's the opposite of what my dad calls prayer.

It's trying to see things to the best of your ability and growing.

It's not visiting a family member who lives in the same house, maybe once a month.

Its saying "even when your alone I want you to feel loved. I want you to have a meaningful moments even in my absence. Scattering things that make life more liveable, for you to find. To restore a sense of being able to endure. Of feeling whole. The hope of working things out. You were thought of, on purpose, because you are that important, no matter what. You don't have to earn this love, you simply are loved."

I should get back to work.

[the-little-prophet]

BDRP Questionnaire 2019

Posting this on Charlie since I actually talked about him quite a bit! Let’s gooooo

Characters: Berlioz, Hades, Kiara, Nala, Andrina, Merida, Charlie, Apollo, John, Su, Ashleigh, Nemo, Jun

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you!) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

This one goes out to Charlie. I pitched Charlie very deceptively-- claiming he was a prophet, aligning him, at first, with Calliope, making it look like Charlie’s magic was of the classical, Cassandra-inspired kind. But all along, I knew that what I wanted Charlie to be was more of this sci-fi/fantasy blend as an homage to his movie’s sci-fi bend too. This year, I got to actually reveal that Charlie is a time traveler after two years!! This is very exciting for me! I’ve enjoyed being able to lean into Charlie’s new image systems with this reveal, even though I’m out of my depth and breaking like 67 different time travel rules, probably lol. Still, it’s been great to take him to that place, and to invent Future-Charlie as both a deux ex machina and an expression of identity/choice/free will etc etc. I did not have Future-Charlie in mind when I created Charlie, so that was something I was proud of coming up with!

Pick another character and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them going into the new year?

I’m going to talk about Nemo if only because everyone else feels like a spoiler lol. Nemo, as a relatively new character though, is still full-speed-ahead on his initial goals that I outlined for him in his application. Now that Nemo’s been established in the school and he has this little group of buddies, I want:

To focus on his wing. I want Nemo to push himself, get himself in a spot of trouble, potentially injure himself.

Reveal his wings to at least one mundus friend

Continuing to infuse his posts with body image issues. This is a slow build kind of plot that really is like...the broth of Nemo’s plot-soup, lol, while training for his placement is the chicken and belonging at school is the noodles….it needs to be this throughline more than like, para a, para b, para c. at least for now.

Pick a thread or a plot that you’re proud of and talk about why you loved it.

I could pick a lot of threads here lol it’s honestly so HARD. But I think I want to shout-out to the Charlie/Jim first kiss thread because it surprised even me and Hannah. We initially planned for the first kiss to be just that-- one kiss, then we done, Jim and Charlie go on to be friends. But like in the best of cases, Jim and Charlie’s palpable chemistry actually informed more of Charlie’s arc and opened up avenues previously closed to me/Charlie since Charlie had been so SHUT to the idea of love. So! I really loved that thread. Also because like, I literally made Charlie experience the big bang after his first kiss. And THAT’S the BEST way to use magic in my opinion. Like when you can infuse magic with an emotional catharsis-- I think the other time I did that super well was similar actually, when Herc kissed Kiki’s cheek and she grew a tree in his room lol. So yeah! Some of my best writing in that thread, amazing chemistry, big surprises. It was an absolute pleasure.

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 strengths and talk about why you think it’s one of your strengths.

-Image systems. I dragged myself for this, but I think it’s something that really helps me find a character’s voice and make myself excited to RP them! Also, I think it’s what people like about my writing sometimes. Maybe. IDK, lol. -Complex Emotion: I’m stealing this from my mentor who said I’m good at creating complex emotion and so you know its true. My most introverted characters get the bulk of this naturally--they are introspective and feely and give themselves the space to think and feel. But I really want to try to inject more into my extroverted characters. I think I’m doing well for Nemo, who had undiagnosed anxiety and so that informs a lot of his personality in very interesting-- very OPPOSITE-- ways as Berlioz; Nemo struggles with being alone because ‘alone’ means he gets too in his head. That’s been really fun for me and why he’s quickly become one of my fave voices to write (I know, u all thought it was because I am in love with Jimin (true), but no its bc Nemo is an anxious, big feeling baby and he’s always so Alive to me, plus i was made to write a fairy it was always my destiny.)

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 areas of improvement.

-Dialogue: PERSONALLY I feel like I’m not great at dialogue. Some posts are better than others and I think I’m good at like…..texting dialogue? IDK. I feel like I struggle in paras though to craft good dialogue. It’s just, rn, average dialogue. Of course not every post needs to have hilarious, punchy, great dialogue. But do my characters sound different? Am I doing all I can to create rhythm and speech patterns? -Filtering: Im being very picky rn, because actually I don’t do this too much, but I do it enough where I’m like, I gotta go read some really stellar writers adn ban myself from using “Feel” and “think” for like a whole month. What I’m talkinga bout is like: Ber realized/ Ber thought / Ber knew. That kind of writing is totally fine, but that’s about it. I need to come up with more creative ways to talk about feelings and abstract concepts!!!

-Character: I know everyone is probably like………….how dare lauryl put this here. But listen. I don’t think I struggle with character on RP. But outside of RP? Oh boy! The THING about RP is you MUST create a character, that’s your vessel for writing here, and so you do all that development plus u got the four years of worldbuilding informing that character, and literally EVERYTHING CHARACTER DRIVEN ITS...THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.  Outside of RP though I think I have struggled because my natural affinity is worldbuilding and shit like that. I’m type 5 baby, I am attracted to characters who let me poke at things I don’t know anything about, like even Jun, part of it really is like, petitions and grocery store management lmfadsofij. SOOOo idk I just need to be able to focus on crafting characters that are compelling vessels for the cool shit I like to do outside of RP.

Pick one of your plots, or even just a character, and come up with a list of 3-5 “mentor texts” where you can look for inspiration or research, then write a short (2-4 sentences) why you picked those texts. JOHN DARLING BREAKS INTO FAERYLAND 1. Call Down the Hawk/Raven Cycle: It’s no coincidence that my reread of Raven Cycle last winter played a pretty big part in inspiring this new version of John. The descriptions of the magical forest Cabeswater and the hunt for Glendower have the same kind of contemporary fantasy vibe that I really like for John. And of course, Ronan’s dream magic is very much intertwined with the faery realm feeling like a dream (and Ashleigh, obviously, as a dark faery who can manipulate them). More than that though, the attention paid to the psyches of each character and how they drive the plot forward is just… /chefs kiss. 2. The Mabinogian: I want to draw from these classic Welsh/British stories and incorporate them in creative ways! Or just as, like, motifs are something. :) I have tried to do this but would like to be a lot more intentional, instead of just being like lmao let me look up some random shit for this one reply~ 3. The Hazel Wood: This book deals with characters coming into the real world from a book world! This kind of goes along with the Mabinogian as I kind of ish want to do something similar, only treating the Mabinogian as a historical, cultural text as opposed to a fiction. This book also focuses a lot on fairy tale tropes (like numbers) which I really want to incorporate in John’s stuff. I want to ideally write some of my own fairy tales-- I have one in mind actually through Ashleigh but it’s related to John too since he’d the scholar of said stories.  

And now, a wishlist!

-Exploring Nemo’s disability. This is slightly challenging for me since we don’t have many fairies, but I’m brainstorming some ideas and hope to really kick it off in January, leading up to his Talent Placement Test.   -I really want to have a lot of town-centric plots for Jun. Would love to rp with the police officers! I want to have Jun try to get some ppl arrested tbh ahah, like, Fflew for loitering, or maybe reporting Mitte. I would love some arch nemeses tbh-- Mitte does seem like a good one. AND I want to submit at least three petitions next semester!! Maybe i should make that two!! Still!! -Do some Bonfamille plots. I already have something I’m really excited about and have already planned here so this is a teaser… -Keep writing essays. The fairies have been great, getting me really inspired to do these.What’s been an amazing mental exercise, and why I cannot stop writing these, is thinking about how the political philosophy of Pixie Hollow informs how it functions: technically, socioculturally etc. It’s really fun for me to basically build a communist thought project and then enact it for real. I feel like I’m learning a lot about...well, societies, lol, and how the material factors endlessly bleed into, and shape, ideas and beliefs (and vice versa). Also, I literally have to do these because when Nemo is IN the Hollow and I want to write him getting a glass of water, I’m faced with a lot of technical questions: do fairies have running water? Does he have to get it from a stream? How do they keep things cool? Etc etc. And that’s why I go off on these, and I’m excited to keep doing them, as many as I can, with feedback from my fellow fairies. Also, do want to do ones that are NOT fairy related, so we’ll see about that. -Write John backstory. He’s gone on a few other adventures and I’d like to actually one-shot those maybe lol. -Alternate Charlie Timeline: This is something that’s bopping around in my head and I haven’t found the perfect way to make it happen, but I want Charlie to travel to an alternate version of his life and get stuck. When I figure out the right way to do this, my partners will also get to rp alternate versions of their characters lol. That’s fun right!! Of course it is, we do it all the time with AUs, but this one obvi be more personal and more closely tied to canon.

OPTIONAL: Why do you RP? First and foremost, I RP because it’s writing for the sake of writing-- joy for joy. I think this is even more important this year as I’ve had to focus on mentorship writing outside of RP. RP became the place where I didn’t have to think so hard about making everything make sense, lol. It gave my brain a break so I could be less judgmental of myself and just have fun and do the most ridiculous stuff...and some of my fave stuff iS ridiculous because of that...like Nemo and Sindri making flower crowns or the ASC nonsense. It’s this kind of light, fluffy, low-stake (but still High Stake) stuff that provided me endless joy when I needed it the most. Second of all, I RP because I really want to invest in people’s creative energy. I think doing so gives back to myself. Building canon, helping people brainstorm, seeing people grow-- I feel like a proud mom when I get to have this kind of mentorship role myself. I talked to MK about this, but even though Sam left to go off and do greater things, that’s like-- to me, it was a lot like he was graduating from this weird BDRP school I’ve helped create. I felt nothing but pride and happiness for him and really felt like, if BDRP was to explode tomorrow, I ACHIEVED the thing I set out to do when, four years ago, I sat on my computer and drafted BDRP’s mission and vision and committed myself to this admin role. And THAT’S what I want ideally-- for BDRP to be this collaborative place that doesn’t focus too much on what makes sense, on sitewide plots that force people into roles. I have always wanted plots like ASC and John’s search for Excalibur to be able to exist side by side, and I think we’ve done that. Now we just have to tend this garden, don’t we, haha? May BDRP bear many delicious fruit.

[aroworlds]

I just want to let you all know that my health still isn’t good: I spent awareness week struggling with insomnia (not to mention before and now after) and trying to cope with making content for it while operating on almost no sleep just about broke me. I’m glad I did it, but I’ve spent this week trying to recover from it, and I struggle to find the energy needed to talk to people when I’m that worn out.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out more about transition options and support as a queer, transgender person, since it’s been made clear to me that my current environment is not ever going to be truly supportive. This week I had a really good conversation with my GP so my new pronouns are as officially on the system as they can be (with a system that doesn’t really support it, but at least referrals will correctly refer to me) and a conversation about my queerness that was summed up as “sexual attraction irrespective of gender, romantic attraction to nobody, no gender”. It’s not completely accurate because you all know I’m abrosexual, but given that I mostly use queer like a safety blanket in offline conversations, it’s as accurate as I get to someone who doesn’t already know me. I’m looking for a new psychologist, and there’s a few queer-centred clinics in my state’s capital (Melbourne, Australia) I’ll be checking out.

The extreme degree of lack of sleep is almost certainty a response to everything that’s happened this year with regards the incredible invalidation from my former psychologist and family, but it’s making it hard. If autism makes a lot of the above difficult, insomniac autistic cranks the playing level right up!

I’ve been thinking about the direction of this blog, since I would like to open up the ask box again. The problem is that this blog was becoming a little more community-conversation-support-and-validation than is easy for me to handle. It takes a lot of spoons to be available to provide that kind of response and support, and there is always going to be a greater need for it than I am able to provide. To be frank, it’s overwhelming to me to constantly see it in my inbox and my messages, and that’s not something I well handle as an autistic.

I’m a creative. I write, I sew, I scrapbook, I design, I make. I’m hampered by my disabilities and an inability to have or afford real workarounds in terms of accessibility aids, but as much as I am able to, I make things. I was quietly proud of myself during awareness week for being able to get past the “I can’t do it perfectly so why do it at all” tendency of mine to make pride-related pieces that weren’t perfect (lack of tape, time, editing, fabric, marker pens) but still existed, as that’s something hard for me. And it meant the world to me to see some of those pieces get likes and reblogs!

My highest shape of activism is always going to be creative media, yet this blog, combined with the limitations of my disabilities, was making it harder for me to do that. It’s not coincidental that I’m able to write more stories with the ask box closed!

The other problem is that a lot of the conversations I was getting more concerned aro-ace folks, aro-ace experiences and aro-ace relationships to the aro-spec, ace-spec and a-spec communities. I’m not saying that you don’t need or deserve the support, and it is by no means wrong that anyone sought this out, but I felt like I was providing more reassurance to folks with issues that don’t impact me in quite the same way, without the time to talk about my own needs (because I am disabled, my spoons are limited and I never had the ability to do both the way I wanted). That felt like I was working more to support other people than I was to support myself; my activism slowly moved further and further away from my own needs in the aro-spec and a-spec communities.

I hope folks appreciate that providing reassurance, validation and support to fellow community members is a lot of work--something that takes a lot of time, a lot of physical ability, a lot of physical energy, a lot of emotional ability, and a lot of emotional energy. It’s work, it’s skilled work, and it’s hard work--something I don’t think we always stop and acknowledge in activist spaces where the need of people to be supported is sometimes pushed ahead of the ability for people to provide it. Particularly when the people who are doing this work are unpaid, often unsupported in their providing of this work while at the same time being applauded for it, and have to face a never-ending need for it should they begin to offer it.

I’ve had asks that have distressed and triggered me, asks that need all the empathy and validation I can provide but at the same time distress me to the point where I can’t cope myself. Where do I go to talk about that? Where do I go to find help? I can’t write a post about it here; that would hurt the person who needs help and has done nothing wrong in seeking it. Psychologists see other psychologists for support, but we have a grassroots situation where folks are providing nearly the same sort of work on an untrained, volunteer basis, for a community in incredibly desperate need of it and can’t actually go to a psychologist who doesn’t understand aromanticism, without any kind of support network ourselves.

Without that, it’s very difficult not to succumb to overwhelm and burnout ... and for much the same reasons folks came to my ask box, I can’t easily see a psychologist myself for coping with this, or afford to do so as frequently as I need even if/when I do find someone supportive.

I think a good thing for the aro-spec community to discuss would be the ways we can support other community members in their community-support-and-community-building activities, in terms of making sure that the people who are working to build our communities are physically and emotionally safe, have spaces where we can discuss the challenges and problems in providing community support--in the same way psychologists also have these support networks--and have their labour acknowledged in the sense of our promoting their PayPal, Ko-fi and Patreon accounts (it’s hard to manage the emotional work of providing deserved support for our own when we’re panicking over having $5 in our bank accounts and a $100 bill to pay next month). We shouldn’t be taking it for granted that the people who are helping prop us up can do so unaided, not when we all know the struggles we face in a capitalist, amatonormative world. Let’s please acknowledge this, not just for me but for every other aro-spec who is putting their works out in posts, answering asks and creating the content we need and appreciate.

Let’s do our best to support the people who are supporting us and have open conversations about the struggles and stresses of activism, because I honestly feel that the only options for me include shutting down the inbox forever, being seen as selfish and demanding if I talk about the problems of being a source of support because I’m supposed to be helping people, quitting the blog entirely, or struggling through it all until I shatter.

In the meantime, though, as a disabled aro-spec, I have to draw a line.

For me, this comes back to what I want to do--run a blog about aro-spec creativity while making more original aro-spec creative content--and activism that directly concerns and impacts me. That means, specifically, allo-aro activism, because I’m increasingly finding a disconnect between general aro-spec approaches and my own needs. Activism for aro generally isn’t resulting in a-spec spaces that feel safe for me, and that’s where I want to direct my conversations.

For this blog, @aroworlds, I’d like the ask box to be an easy way folks can recommend media, discuss content, squee about something cool they read/saw/heard/found, share pride merch, give their thoughts on something with regards representation or creativity. I won’t say that I won’t make my own posts about activism here and there, but I’d like to get back to a focus on creativity. I am asking, therefore, that people please keep messages, submissions and asks to topics of aro-spec creativity and creative media. I am no longer taking support-providing asks, community information asks or community terminology asks on this blog.

For my other blog, @alloaroworlds, I’m happy to have more conversations about aro-spec community issues, identity experiences and creative media as concerns allo-aros. This is where I want to focus my activism outside of creative media, and this is where I want to have community-issue conversations. I’m not yet at a point where I’m really able to provide much in the way of emotional support, but if I ever get my life to a point where I can, that’s where I’ll be providing it. In the meantime, though, let’s talk the aro-spec and a-spec communities and where allo-aros fit into them--and anything else allo-aros want to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post, my lovely followers. I won’t be opening up the ask box here today or even this week, but I will hope to be soon. Because I really do miss folks telling me about something cool they’ve found, and I hope we can get back to that and other projects and discussions focusing on aro-spec creativity.

In the meantime, if folks could wish for me a week where I sleep every night, I would be exceptionally grateful!

[lcngdays-archive]

What is your muse’s favorite place(s) to be touched?, How does your muse communicate to others they they’re in the mood?, How does your muse flirt?, Does your muse enjoy teasing? Giving or receiving? How long can they stand it?, How does your muse respond to people making advances on them? ( roz, jamie, nick, des, sass )

I can’t find this meme, so here’s some fanart instead! (images are sfw)

What is your muse’s favorite place(s) to be touched?

Roz

Touch his EARS!! Kis there. They’re sensitive and something he loves a lot. Besides that, his tibbies are generally a good place to grab at and touch, along with his tummy! 

Jamie

His Throat. Jamie actually likes being choked, but any attention to his throat is welcome. Other good spots are over his sides and his inner arms/wrists

Nick

He likes his chin and shoulders to be touched! Also, his hands. Kiss those….

Des

Just touch him ANYWHERE. He just wants to be TOUCHED. But his faves are his tibbies and, you know, the obvious. He gets squirmy and cranky when the Obvious isn’t touched. He also likes, you know, someone to make him spread his legs.

Sass

Their hips and thighs! They don’t mind things being a little more rough there, especially, squeezing and biting is a Big Plus. 

The rest will be under the cut!

How does your muse communicate to others they they’re in the mood?

Roz

While Roz is a Top, he actually generally lets the other person make the first move. He remains stagnant and emotionless, not letting anything away until whoever is pursuing him makes it known they want something. Someone who has been with him a long while, though, may notice his tiny Signs of want, though, which are getting a little Sweaty and getting just a little Droppy with things. Never his guns, of course, but otherwise getting just a touch clumsy. 

Jamie

Jamie has a certain way about him, where he looks down at his feet, and bites at his lower lip a lot. Gets shifty, from foot to foot, and just gets like. Very, very red. 

Nick

Nick is softer, really, very gentle touching, like brushing his hands over his partner or caressing them very softly. He might also write some… Dirty notes and leave them for his partner to discover. 

Des

Des is as straightforward as one can get. He pulls his lover to him, he presses on them, he just flat out asks or begs if he has to. He just wants to be touched dude! Wants to love and give love! 

Sass

Sass is very, very subtle. They have a certain, slightly wide-eyed look they’ll give, or “”accidently”” find ways of touching their partner to force their partner to make the first move or ask them if they want something, because it embaresses them too much to ask outright. 

How does your muse flirt?

Roz

He doesn’t, usually, actually. Again, he likes to pick up on what the other person wants and go from there. But he’s just. He’s not a playful sort, and flirting just doesn’t work very well with him. If he’s been with someone a long time, he might be able to get in a few little passes here and there, but otherwise, nah, he’s blunt and honestly sort of awkward. 

Jamie

Again, not great at flirting, since he just. Doesn’t talk all that much, nor does he show off many facial expressions. The best he can do, really, is quietly pay for a meal, maybe, or the age old buy someone a drink. 

Nick

Draws hearts on his notebook before he hands it back off to be seen. 

Des

Dude, he flirts so much. He winks, he smiles, he makes little Comments (sexual, sometimes, if he thinks the other person is interested), compliments. He reads body language very well, and will touch sometimes, if he’s getting the sorts of signals…

Sass

Awkwardly blunt. Sort of… Vague compliments. Slightly softer than normal looks. But that’s about it. 

Does your muse enjoy teasing? Giving or receiving? How long can they stand it?

Roz

He LOVES to tease his partner in bed. He gets very frustrated when he gets teased, though. He can stand it if he’s forced to, but god! He kind of Hates it in a really Good way. 

Jamie

Jamie doesn’t mind doing a bit of gentle teasing towards his partner, if they’re up to it, but he… Really just wants to give his partner what they want. On himself, he actually likes it a good bit. Not for like, a long time, but he def. loves a good bit of foreplay before things get going. 

Nick

He’s not much of a tease. He’s really not! He’s just sorta straightforward with things when they get going. He’s fairly indifferent to it on himself, but may or may not be Into it. 

Des

Des LOVES LOVES LOVES to tease his partner. He grabs and rubs and touches and then pulls away and just! Likes to see his partner squirm! Tease them to tears, even, sometimes that’s just so beautiful to see. On himself, though? He’s in tears fast, squirming and begging and whatever he has to do to please please PLEASE let him cum. He’s so BAD at handling teasing, but that makes it all the better. 

Sass

Sass can only do very vague sort of teasing, and only for a little bit. Their teasing is more just… Enticing, or gently fighting against their partner until their partner takes control. They actually like being teased a lot, no matter how much they protest, because they really like to be overstiimulated, so a lot of teasing and then turning and going hard all of the sudden is something that can really get them to that sort of place. 

How does your muse respond to people making advances on them?

Roz

Fairly decent, because he’s not afraid to shut someone down if he has to. Unfortunately, due to the nature of his position, he has to just accept such things sometimes. 

Jamie

Irritably. He will just fucking LEAVE dude. No thanks!

Nick

Nick sort of accepts it, and will gently shut the person down if he has to. Sometimes people have specific sort of Kinks towards his disabilities, and he thinks that’s a Yikes. 

Des

Really Well. If someone’s interested in him, 9 times out of 10, he will respond positively. He wants to be with people, and the only time he doesn’t really go off with whoever is pursuing him is if he is already in a committed relationship with someone else. 

Sass

Bad. They will tell someone to stop, and if they don’t they’re apt to get loud or violent if they have to. 

[enterprisecmo]

That really long headcanon meme

But for Jim and Bones as I’m writing them in Home

The Excessively Detailed Headcanon Tumblr Meme

What does their bedroom look like?

Bones has a bookshelf in his room that’s so full of medical texts that some of the shelves are sagging. His bedspreads are just solid colors, usually blues or greys. He keeps the room clean, aside from the occasional jacket thrown over the back of a chair, or half finished books on his nightstand. Jim’s in the guest room at first, and he doesn’t do much to make it feel like his own space. But then, he doesn’t have much. Once he moves into the master bedroom with Bones, it gradually starts to look more like his room, too. He gets posters, they choose blankets in colors he likes, etc.

Do they have any daily rituals?

Bones isn’t really awake until he gets his coffee in the morning. Before Jim, his morning routine included starting the coffee machine and then sitting half-asleep at the kitchen table in his underwear until it was ready. Once they share a bedroom, Jim likes to get up and start it for him when he can. Bones is eternally grateful that his boyfriend is even marginally more of a morning person that he is. When Jo’s with him, his nightly routine includes tucking her in when it’s time for bed. Sometimes he reads her a story. Jim likes joining them once he moves in, and Joanna loves when he reads to her, because he does silly voices.

Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

Jim works out occasionally after he moves in with Bones. If he’s stressed, he’ll  work himself harder, especially if he’s blaming himself for something. Bones  doesn’t mind working out, but he’s on his feet all day at work, so he doesn’t make it a daily thing. Sometimes he’ll go for a run with Jim.

What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

Jim would be fine ordering pizza. Bones needs a little more persuasion to give up and eat junk food, but Jim’s very good at convincing him.

Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

Bones likes his workspace organized. He can’t work if there’s too much clutter on his desk, for example. Jim doesn’t care as much, as long as there’s a big enough clear space on the desk to fit whatever he’s working on. Bones is pretty careful about personal cleanliness. He’s used to washing his hands often, and he disinfects things a lot. Jim’s obviously less worried about that, since he doesn’t spend his days in a hospital. He doesn’t mind things like grease from working at Scotty’s, he just showers before he gets in bed.

Eating habits and sample daily menu

Bones cooks when he has time and energy, though his favorites are grilling (since he gets to cook outside) and baking (just fun). Unfortunately, he’s also the one who forgets to eat when he’s busy or just really engaged in something. It bothers Jim, who has some issues with food after Tarsus. Jim’s not a big cook, and left to fend for himself he prefers to eat out.

Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

Jim is a fan of putting some music on and then doing nothing, just laying there listening, maybe singing along. He needs down time sometimes, and he may feel like it’s wasted time, but it helps. Bones doesn’t believe in wasting time. If you have something to do, you do it. If you don’t, you can relax, and it’s not wasting time.

Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

After a particularly hard day, Bones will take a long bath with a bath bomb or bubbles. Indulging is fine, as long as he can afford to spend the time. Jim’s not used to having the option of indulgence, but he enjoys desserts. He didn’t have them often before he moved in with Bones.

Makeup?

Jim thinks it’s fun, even if he doesn’t wear makeup daily. Gaila teaches him all her tricks when they meet in college. He likes it when Bones will let him do his makeup. If they’re dressing up for something like a nice dinner, he’ll go all out. Bones doesn’t wear makeup regularly, and he doesn’t do more than occasional eyeshadow himself, but he’ll let Jim do his makeup, since it makes him happy.

Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Jim has some social anxiety. He doesn’t always know who to do in those situations. Big crowds aren’t something he enjoys.

Intellectual pursuits?

They’re a doctor and an aspiring astrophysicist, their daily lives are full of intellectual pursuits.

Favorite book genre?

Bones reads a lot of medical journals and scientific articles, but he also secretly likes romance novels. Jim has always read a lot of library books on space and physics, but he likes scifi too. He’s not a fan of mystery novels.

Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

Jim is pan, Bones is bi. Neither of them will put up with any homophobia/etc.

Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

Jim has picked up scars here and there from various injuries. He sprained his ankle shortly after he met Bones, but it’s healed by now. He has some allergies to medications. Bones has a birthmark on the back of his neck, but it’s faint enough that you can’t tell unless you’re pretty close.

Biggest and smallest short term goal?

For Jim, the biggest is getting into college. And confessing to Bones. Bones has no current short term goals.

Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Jim wants to graduate in three years and work for NASA. Bones wants to change the custody agreement so he can see Jo more often.

Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

Jim feels awkward and out of place in anything formal for a while. His wardrobe consisted of a few t-shirts and jeans while he was on his own, but it slowly expands. Bones has to dress nice for work, so he spends his days around the house in a t-shirt and sweatpants more often than not. It’s easy and comfortable.

Favorite beverage?

Bones loves sweet tea. Jim usually drinks water, but he won’t say no to a coke.

What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

Jim’s mind wanders, so he’ll think of all sorts of things as he falls asleep. Bones thinks about work, or his plans for the next day.

Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

Bones broke his arm falling out of a tree when he was about eight (and now he doesn’t like Jo climbing trees). Jim’s had a variety of injuries. His childhood wasn’t a very happy one. Neither of them has any particularly interesting childhood illness stories.

Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

Jim likes it when Bones makes him beg. He’s a brat when he bottoms and a tease when he tops. He also likes to show off, he’s a bit of an exhibitionist. He’s willing to try most things at least once, but he won’t do blindfolds. Bones talks a lot. He’s very demanding when he bottoms, because he knows what he wants and he wants it now. He’s full of praise and dirty talk when he tops, letting Jim know how good he is. He likes riding because it gives him control, but Jim can still take over. One thing he doesn’t like is any kind of pain more intense than spanking. He doesn’t want to hurt Jim.

Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

Jim draws spaceships, planets, or little stars that he connects into constellations. Bones doesn’t usually doodle, but he’ll scribble down notes for himself if he needs to.

How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

Bones is an organized man until he gets too tired, then everything is just put wherever. He’ll fix it when he’s got more energy. Jim isn’t necessarily messy, but he’s not very organized either. He knows where his things are, so it doesn’t really matter if everything looks perfect.

Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

Bones was always good at biology because he was something he’s interested in, even if college classes were a little tougher sometimes. Jim’s best in physics, but he’s also good in English classes.

How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

Married and happy with Jo and Sparkles. Jim will have graduated from college, and he hopes to be working for NASA.

Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t work out?

Jim’s plan if he doesn’t get into college is just to keep working for Scotty. It would be really disappointing if he couldn’t go to college, but he would just blame himself for expecting too much. Bones doesn’t have any significant plans for his future, he’s just going to keep doing what he’s doing now.

What is their biggest regret?

For Bones, it’s his dad’s death and his part in it. Jim doesn’t have any major regrets.

Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

They’d both say each other, but if they had to choose someone else, Jim’s best friend is Scotty and Bones’ is Christine. Jim’s worst enemy is Frank. Bones doesn’t have any real enemies, just whoever’s between him and his coffee on an early morning.

Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

As long as everyone’s safe, they’ll be alright. Stuff is replaceable, and they’ll still have each other.

Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

Jim’s first reaction would be to try to throw himself into distracting things or overwork himself to avoid thinking too much about it. Bones either runs on autopilot for a while or shuts down completely, depending on how bad it is.

Most prized possession?

Bones has his dad’s wedding ring in a box in his dresser. Jim didn’t have a lot when he met Bones, and he won’t admit it but he really treasures the leather jacket Bones bought him for college. He wears it all the time, and he always does his best to take care of it.

Thoughts on material possessions in general?

They both agree that stuff isn’t as important as people, but Jim has a little trouble with breaking the habit of saving everything in case he needs it again or can use it for something else.

Concept of home and family?

Jim’s used to moving around a lot. He didn’t really have a home or a family before Bones. Now home is wherever he can be with him, and family is Bones and Jo and Caroline (and Sparkles, of course). Bones was always taught that family is the most important thing there is, and his idea of family is a lot bigger than Jim’s, since it includes all the cousins and aunts and uncles who gather at Caroline’s for holidays.

Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

Bones is fairly private. He doesn’t share the details of his life as small talk like some people do. Jim is a little less tight-lipped, and he’ll brag about Bones when something good has happened.

What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

If they enjoy it, and they have the time to spare, it’s not wasted time.

What makes them feel guilty?

Bones feels guilty about his dad’s death, but also his divorce. He feels like it was his fault the marriage didn’t work, because of his career and how much time med school and residency took up. Jim feels guilty about imposing on Bones for a while after he moves in. The he feels guilty and dishonest for not telling Bones how he feels about him.

Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

They’re both a little of both. Bones can and often has to make analytical decisions as a doctor, but in his personal life it’s usually emotional. Jim acts on instinct or impulse a lot of times, which falls under emotion, though astrophysics requires analytical decisions too.

Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

They both have aspects of both types.

What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Bones just needs a quiet day in, preferably spent cuddling Jim and maybe watching a movie together. Jim prefers to be outside, like sitting on a park bench and watching the clouds (or looking at the stars if it’s night) and enjoying the breeze. Bones is always welcome to come with him.

Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

Jim might have a little bit of an inferiority complex. It’s hard for him to believe he can do anything more than the odd jobs he’s always done. He’s been poor and alone for a long time, and that’s affected him more than he may show.

How misanthropic are they?

Bones is a grouch sometimes, but even when he says he doesn’t, he likes people. Jim is a social person and could never hate people.

Hobbies?

They both like to read, though their choice of reading material differs. Bones likes riding, though he doesn’t have the chance as often as he’d like, since he can’t go to Caroline’s very often. He doesn’t play basketball anymore, but he can still be (easily) convinced to play a pickup game. Jim likes to take walks, since he misses parts of being outside so often (not that he ever wants to go back to that), so he’ll take Sparkles out to get some exercise.

How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

Bones went through college and med school. As a doctor, you never stop learning, and he loves that aspect of the job. Jim didn’t have the chance to go to college until he met Bones, so he learned a lot from library books.

Religion?

Bones was raised Baptist, like a lot of people in the south, but he doesn’t consider religion important to him. Jim wasn’t raised religious, and he considers himself agnostic.

Superstitions or views on the occult?

Bones is a southern boy, and he partakes in all our superstitious traditions, like eating black eyed peas and lettuce for New Year’s. He doesn’t believe in ghosts and the like. Jim won’t say for sure that there are or aren’t ghosts and other supernatural beings, but he doesn’t care for some ordinary superstitions. He’ll walk under ladders and play with black cats that cross his path.

Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Bones isn’t always great at sitting down and talking about his feelings, so deeds. Jim is usually better with words than Bones, but he’s patient with him.

If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

Jim always pictured himself ending up alone, but Bones is everything he didn’t know he wanted in a partner. Bones always wanted someone to come home to, who’d be there for him.

How do they express love?

Jim is very physically affectionate, so he’s all over Bones. Hugs, holding hands, etc. After the first time, it’s a lot easier for him to say I love you, and he’ll say it often. Bones says it too, but he also makes his love really obvious in the way he looks at Jim. You’d think Jim hung the moon.

If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

Bones has only a truckload of sass and a first aid kit to defend himself, but somehow that’s worked before. He doesn’t often throw a punch. Jim learned to fight in bars and parking lots, so his base fighting style isn’t any formal style, just whatever he knows works.

Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

Jim doesn’t spare much thought for death. He’s always done what he has to to survive, and he figures if anything happens, he’ll do it again. Bones is a little more acquainted with death, working in a hospital. He’s seen people die, and he just hopes someone will be there with him when it’s his time to go.

[laputaindefrenchgirl]

i started to cry which started the whole world laughing.

I’m angry. For everything and anything right now. 

The Harvey Weinstein situation, my God, it makes me want to vomit. Hollywood knew for decades, producers, the whole industry, and they were quiet. Quiet. This goes against everything I believe in. I can’t stay quiet, even for my own good. I ramble, say silly things, and laugh, then sometimes fight when I need to. But staying quiet? I can’t.

And, you read the comments. On Facebook, Instagram, Twitter... Misogynistic assholes, both males and females, saying rude and stupid stuffs. I want to destroy every single bad vibes they send with a blow of light and love. It shouldn't be that hard for victims (females and males) to express themselves. Sexuals Assaults, rapes, violence, some kind of fucking Justice should protect them. But once you’re inside that same system, it seems complicated to let the truth come out. How many women talked, and yet were shut down, unheard. I can’t process this, yet I know it’s real.

I’m honest, real. Sometimes stupid, and a lot naive. I don’t get it. Why does the rape culture keeps living?

In such a strange world, I’m trying to live and shape my own feminity. I dress as I wish, go out, have fun, and work on new projects. I’m a human being, and I long accepted the fact I cannot control how people look at me, react at my disability. I’m telling myself everyday that “it’s okay” but for real, it’s kinda not. I deserve respect and equal chances to succeed on what I love, and what I believe in, and not be treated differently because of my wheelchair. Maybe I’m delusional for having such a great opinion of myself, but truly, I think I deserve so much more.

I read stuffs from the disability community there and there, and sometimes I do not agree. We’re not pariahs, unless we put ourselves in that position. Yes, we’re maybe the biggest minority in the world, but that’s not it. There’s pressure for sure, and bullies, but God so many things can be solved with a smile. It’s funny, because I find myself in that position sometimes where I want to be loved for who I am, and yet I try to see myself through ignorant eyes and yet, I still want to make it easier for them to like me. But no matter which twisted feelings I might feel, it’s most of all about making a change. Facing the fact we’re not meant to fit in a box, and that’s okay. It pushed towards solving issues and climbing mountains, and it made me who I am. Be fierce and don’t let go. Handle your shit and go for what you really, really want. If people could see all I achieved from my single bedroom in the south of France. All I’ve dreamed and made happen. 

My parents keep on saying “If you only say the truth, then there will only be wars.” I’m shaking as I’m typing this. No, no, no. Truth is light. Truth is moving on, and sometimes letting go. Truth is evolving. Truth is living. 

I loathe this thinking. I loathe how, very often, humanity prefers to close their eyes instead of fighting for what’s right. I recently watched The Normal Heart, and literally, my heart broke. Such a strong and powerful real story. Mark Ruffalo character, I identified myself to him so strongly, I just kept on crying the whole time I was watching the movie. How unfair was how people treated him. How bright and strong he was, and you know what? If he didn’t do what needed to be done (even you don’t agree with his method or him), then who would have done it? That’s always the same story. One I find myself stuck in more and more. 

You can’t lower every life expectations. You can’t, or not only you’re doing something wrong, or you sort of give up. And that’s pretty much unacceptable in my book. I’m glad that when I was younger, some people shook me up and told me to get it right. I’m glad, along my path, that I still meet beautiful souls, and make the future happen. But if you start to let go of your little spark of madness, then it’s game over.

Always the same rant, “But Auds, everybody cannot be strong like you.” The fuck they can. Open your eyes and believe in you. Find deep in you what makes you alive. Dig deeper and deeper. Grab your flame. Burn yourself and live.

Again, I’m really angry as I’m typing this post. Even if I absolutely believe everything I wrote here, I’m trying to be tolerant. Sometimes, you break down, and cannot find your anchor. I can understand that, and maybe this anger I’m feeling right now is my own way to have a breakdown? But, I just want people to know there’s always a way. Seek help from a friend, a stranger, do a therapy, go twerking or something. I cannot believe that greatness cannot outcome vile people and mathematics. I always hated mathematic, sorry not sorry. More seriously, asking for help is for sure the most difficult thing to do. Then it gets easier.

It’s hard to be a headstrong person. I feel misunderstood, and lonely. My fire burning sometimes too strongly. I wish I could put into words my vision. How I perceive things, you always have a choice, and there’s always a way. So simple to write down but harder to make people understand. So I’ll go back drawing because this way it’s more simple for me. The world is still a magical ground but too many monsters winning. Too many untold stories. No saviors, princes or unicorns. Just women and men trying to make the world a better place.

Are you?

#audreytheartiste