#but no i am always here if you ever need anything

[parkerslatte]

Happy Together

Eris Vanserra x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: mentions of Berons's abuse. mentions of injury

Summary: Apart of the Inner Circle, Y/N has to hide her relationship with Eris. When she is injured on a mission, Eris demands to see her and the truth is revealed.

A Court of Thorns and Roses Masterlist

•••

“Eris, I need to go,” Y/N said as Eris peppered kisses down her neck. 

“I know,” Eris mumbled as he pulled her closer by her waist, burying his head in her neck. 

Y/N held onto him tightly. Moments like this with Eris were few and far between. In public their passing glances and stolen touches were never enough. Y/N always craved more but that was never a possibility. With Beron still a threat to their relationship, Eris hid everything about his relationship with Y/N. Of course Y/N understood. All Eris wanted to do was protect her. 

However, Eris was not the only one wanting to hide their relationship. Y/N hid her affections and love for Eris from the Inner Circle. With relations between Eris and her family being rocky, Y/N was never sure how they would react, especially Rhysand. 

“I don’t want you to go,” Eris mumbled into her neck. 

“I don’t want to go either,” Y/N replied, threading her fingers into his hair, scratching his scalp lightly. 

Eris pulled away and slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, he pulled Y/N to him until she straddled his hips. Y/N’s arms lazily rested over his shoulders. 

“Then perhaps we should stay here forever,” Eris suggested, wrapping his strong arms tightly around her waist. “We are deep in the Autumn woods after all. There is not anyone around for miles. We have everything we need here.”

Y/N giggled. “If that were a possibility, my love, I would accept in a heartbeat.” 

Eris pecked her lips and suddenly pulled her down onto the bed. Y/N laughed in delight and surprise. 

“Darling, I would leave Prythian with you if it would mean I could live happily with you,” Eris said. “I would be able to wake up with you in my arms every night. I would be able to love you in the open and the discreet brushes of our fingers will be no more. I will get to cherish you and be with you. And be happy.” 

Eris rolled over so his face hovered above Y/N’s. He smiled down at her, though it was saddened by the pain in his eyes. “But I know that is an impossibility.”

Y/N caressed Eris’s face. “One day it will be possible. One day we will get to live happily, Eris. And I will live to see that day and so will you. No matter how long it may take.”

As she looked into Eris’s eyes, Y/N wanted to cry. The pain within them was clear, the pain he only ever showed her. With each time Y/N saw Eris, which nowadays was very few and far between, the more tired he looked, the more scars adorned his body. But every single time he saw her, his eyes would light up and the smile that appeared on his beautiful face would always be seared into her brain. She never wanted to take that joy away from him. 

Y/N reluctantly pushed Eris’s chest and he fell onto the bed next to her. 

“I do need to go now,” Y/N said sadly. 

“I know,” Eris replied. “I do too. I have a meeting with my father.”

Y/N caressed his cheek. “Don’t let him put you down, Eris. You are a better male than him and you always will be.” Y/N began to tear up. “I wish I could be by your side.”

Eris wiped her tears away. “Sweetheart, I want you nowhere near that despicable male.”

“I know but I want to be there for you in case he does anything,” Y/N cried. “I cannot hate you being hurt, Eris.”

“Soon,” Eris said, hugging her close. “You will be able to soon.”

Y/N hugged him back. “I better be. Because not being by your side is the cruellest form of torture.”

“It is for me as well, my love,” Eris said, resting his forehead on hers.

Y/N pulled away reluctantly once again. “I really need to go. I have a mission with Azriel.”

Eris’s eyes darkened. “Be careful.”

Y/N pecked his lips. “I always am.”

***

It was over three weeks later when Eris paced inside of his cabin deep in the woods. Y/N was an hour late. Once a month they met without fail at the cabin and she had never missed a meeting until now. Inside of him, Eris could feel a sense of pure dread. 

The three weeks since he had been with Y/N had been agony. Each night he suffered alone without her. His soul called out to be with her. After the beating his father gave him after he spoke back, Eris remembered dragging himself back to his chambers and cried, it was the first time he had ever cried after an altercation with his father. All he wanted was Y/N and it was getting harder and harder to be without her. He craved her in body and soul. He needed to be with her. 

Now as Eris shrugged his jacket back on, he left the safety of his cabin and winnowed right to the Night Court. 

***

Eris had only taken a few steps into Velaris before he was immediately backed into a wall. Shadows forced the air out of him as Eris fought against the restraints. 

“You can show yourself, shadowsinger,” Eris spat. “I am not here to pick a fight.”

Azriel stepped out from the shadows. “You decided that the moment you decided to breach the wards.”

Eris cocked his head to the right. “Let me go, Azriel.”

“Why are you here, Eris?” Azriel questioned. 

“It doesn’t concern you,” Eris replied.

The shadows on Eris’s arms pinned him harder against the wall. Eris winced. The wounds on his back still hadn’t healed properly yet. 

“I am only going to ask you once more,” Azriel said, his voice low. “Why are you here?”

“And I am telling you again,” Eris said, feeling his power grow more restless. “It does not concern you.”

Before Azriel could even move, Eris burned through Azriel’s shadows. They retreated, hurt, back to their master. The shocked face of Azriel was the only thing Eris could focus on. 

“Do not follow me, shadowsinger,” Eris said. “If you know what’s good for you.” Eris turned and continued on his way. 

“Is that a threat?” Azriel questioned. 

“Yes,” Eris said without breaking stride. “Yes it is.”

***

Eris finally made it to Y/N’s house in the heart of Velaris. He had only ever been there once but he still recalled the address. There were many looking at him as they walked by but Eris couldn’t find it within himself to care. The only thing he cared about was hopefully the other side of the door. 

“Y/N!” Eris called through the door. “Y/N, please open the door.”

“She isn’t there,” a voice spoke up behind Eris. 

Eris stopped his knocking and turned to face the High Lord of the Night Court. Rhys stood intimidating in front of Eris but Eris was not intimidated in the slightest. He could find himself becoming more angry by the minute. 

“Where is she, Rhysand?” Eris demanded. 

“In the town house,” Rhys answered. “Healing.”

Eris felt his blood run cold. “What happened, Rhysand?”

Rhys brushed a piece of lint from his jacket. “I don’t believe you are entitled to that information. What do you even know of Y/N? I have never seen you so much as talk to her.”

Eris’s gaze darkened. “I know here better than anyone could ever know.”

Rhys stilled. “What do you mean, Eris?”

“Take me to her,” Eris demanded. 

“You shouldn’t be demanding things of me in my own court, Eris,” Rhys said. 

“I will do whatever the fuck I please,” Eris yelled, losing all sense of composure. “You will take me to see my mate, Rhysand of Mother help you.”

Rhys stood, shocked. “Your mate?”

“Yes my mate,” Eris spat. “Now you are going to take me to her right now, Rhysand, or I will not be afraid to burn this whole city to the ground.”

Wordlessly, Rhys led Eris to the town house. The moment Rhys opened the doors, Eris brushed past him. Despite not knowing the house layout, Eris knew just where his mate was. He simply followed that golden thread that led him to her. 

The moment Eris opened the door he nearly collapsed. Y/N was laying on top of a bed, bandages wrapped around her body. Eris rushed over to her side and took her within his arms. He could feel Rhys’s presence behind him. 

“When did this happen?” Eris asked. 

“A week ago,” Rhys answered. “We have kept her asleep to let her heal faster.”

“Was this anything to do with the mission you sent her and Azriel on?” Eris questioned. 

“How do you know about that?” Rhys asked. 

“Where do you think she goes every time she leaves the court for personal matters?” Eris asks. “She comes to me.”

“How long has this been going on?” Rhys demanded an answer. 

“Nearly ten years,” Eris answered, brushing Y/N’s hair away from her face. 

“Why wouldn’t she tell us?” Rhys asked. 

“Because she was afraid of how you would react,” Eris answered. “I may not like anyone involved in your Inner Circle but you are the closest thing she has to a family. She didn’t want to lose all of you because she is in love with me.”

Loud footsteps came down the hall and three faces peered in. One Eris had already had the pleasure to encounter not too long ago. Azriel, Cassian and Mor stood in the doorway to Y/N’s room. 

“We came as soon as Azriel informed us,” Cassian said. 

“What’s going on?” Mor asked, looking at Eris. “Why is he here?”

“Eris is Y/N’s mate,” Rhys answered.

The silence in the room was deafening but Eris didn’t care. He only continued to brush down Y/N’s hair and grip onto her hand. The slow rise and fall of her chest was reassuring but she shouldn’t have to be in this position in the first place. 

“Why didn’t she tell us?” Azriel said, his voice rising in anger. “We are her family. We should have known.”

“This is exactly why she never wanted to tell any of you,” Eris snapped. “She knew none of you would ever accept it, not truly.”

“Why did you allow him in here, Rhys?” Cassian questioned.

“Because he is her mate,” Rhys said. “And you know how serious mating bonds are in the Autumn Court.”

“I wonder if Beron knows you are here,” Cassian comments. “Turning up to another court uninvited would sour our relationship with the Autumn Court.”

Eris’s blood ran cold. “You cannot tell him.”

“We have every right to,” Mor replied. “You are an uninvited guest.”

Eris finally tore his gaze away from Y/N. “None of you are going to say a damn thing about this to him or anyone else.”

“Why shouldn’t we?” Azriel questioned.

“If you value Y/N’s life, you must not tell him,” Eris said, gripping onto Y/N’s hand tighter. “The main reason why no one ever knew of our bond and relationship was because I am afraid of what he will do to her if he finds out.” His voice was vulnerable and Eris hated himself for it. “I would much rather he lay his hands on me for disobeying him instead of her for loving me.”

The room fell silent and Eris let out a shaky breath. “I do not like any of you but I know that you will do anything to keep Y/N safe, and I appreciate that. But none of you will keep her safe as I have, as I always will. I will crawl to hell and back to keep her safe. I will give my life for hers in a heartbeat. I will put aside my own happiness if it means that she gets to live and be safe without the torment and abuse of my father. I will endure all of that abuse and torment if it means I get to keep her safe. If it means I still get to see her every few weeks, I will endure anything because I am in love with her. She is my mate and the centre of my universe, I live for her. Everytime anything gets too much for me or my father strikes me just the smallest bit harder, all I need to think about is her and I will have a reason to go on, to keep going, keep fighting. 

“I know you four see me as a villain and perhaps I am in your eyes,” Eris continued. “But Y/N sees me, the real me. The parts of myself I never show to anyone but her.” Eris turned back to Y/N. “You can kick me out if you want to, but I am begging you when I say, do not tell my father.”

When Eris rested his palm against Y/N’s cheek her eyes fluttered and her head turned into his hand. It was only a small movement but made Eris smile regardless. 

“Have you accepted the bond yet?” Rhys asked. 

“No,” Eris replied. “Because the moment we do it is the moment my father will find out and I cannot risk that.”

Rhys sighed. “You may stay here tonight. Don’t give her the sleeping potion in the bottle on the cabinet, she should wake up normally in the morning.”

“Rhys–”

“We should leave them be,” Rhys said. “We can discuss what this means when Y/N is healed.”

Rhys leaves the room, followed by Mor, Azriel and Cassian. As soon as the door closed with a firm ‘click’, Eris finally allowed the tears to fall. He brought Y/N’s hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against her knuckles. “We should have stayed in the cabin.”

***

The moment Y/N awoke her body ached and there was a bandage wrapped around her. She groaned as she began to sit up. The moment her eyes opened she was greeted by the familiar sight of her bedroom but there was one thing unfamiliar about it. Eris slept in the chair to her right, his jacket rested across the back of it. 

Y/N furrowed her brows. “Eris?”

The moment she spoke his name, Eris’s eyes shot open. “Y/N?”

“Why are you here?” Y/N asked. “What happened?”

Eris shuffled the chair closer and grasped her hand in his. Y/N gave it a small squeeze. “You were injured on your mission. You have been healing since.”

“That still doesn’t explain why you are here?” Y/N said and tugged his hand closer to her. “Not that I am not enjoying your presence.”

Eris sighed. “At the cabin. You didn’t show up and I knew something was wrong.”

“But we weren’t meant to meet at the cabin for another week?” Y/N said.

“Honey, you have been asleep for a week while you have been healing,” Eris replied. 

“What?” Y/N said. “Eris I am so sorry, you must have been worried when I didn’t show up.”

“I was,” Eris replied. “And I had good reason to be.”

“I have had worse injuries than this, Eris,” Y/N said, shuffling to rest her back against the headboard. Y/N patted the bed next to her and Eris obliged, wrapping an arm around her and gently pulled her to his side. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Eris said, kissing the top of her head. “You were hurt and that is all I cared about.”

Y/N nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent. “Rhys knows, doesn't he?”

“He does,” Eris answered. “As does Azriel, Cassian and Morrigan.”

“How did they react?” Y/N asked, dreading to know the answer. “Did they take it well?”

“That is up for debate,” Eris said, lacing his fingers with hers. “But right now I don’t care about any of that. The only thing I care about is you.”

“I am perfectly fine, Eris,” Y/N replied. “I ache a little but nothing I can’t handle. But what I want to know is, are you okay? You mentioned a meeting with your father.”

“It wasn’t anything I wasn’t already expecting, let me put it that way,” Eris replied. 

Y/N shuffled on the bed so she could fully see Eris. There was a white bandage peeking out of his shirt. She pulled him into a hug. “I am sorry, Eris. I wish I could have been there for you.”

Eris hugged her back, cradling her head. “You were there with me, not physically, but through your love. You were the one who got me through it.”

“I love you so much,” Y/N said. “I wish I could show everyone just how much I adore you. I wish to not hide it anymore. I want to see you more than once every few weeks. I want to be able to hold your hand and dance with you at balls. We have been hiding for ten years and it hurts me to keep my love hidden. It is too much for me now.”

“Maybe your wishes can come true sooner than you may think,” Eris said. “Y/N, I wish to have you by my side for eternity and I cannot do that with my father still in power.”

Y/N pulled away. “Eris, you cannot mean–”

“I do mean exactly that,” Eris said. “I will kill my father if that is what it takes for you to be safe, for my mother to be safe and for the rest of the Autumn Court. I love you, Y/N and I wish for everyone to know how much I love you. I wish to have a family with you. I wish to have a life with you. And I wish to finally accept our mating bond officially.”

“I want that too, Eris,” Y/N said. “I want all that and more, just as long as it’s with you.”

Eris smiled and Y/N felt it deep within her. His smile always made everything feel okay because the moment he smiled Y/N knew he was truly at ease. He surged forward and pressed his lips against hers. 

Y/N welcomed them and wrapped him within her arms.

[copper-16]

First Meetings

Elena attends her first football youth team camp, and meets someone who, though she doesn’t realize it at the time, will become a very important person in her life.

(a/n: I must admit this is probably one my more favorite Elena stories I’ve written, so if anyone has anymore ideas that involve older Elena and this new OC we meet here you’d be my new best friend cause I wanna write more about them 🥹)

The first national team camp Elena was ever invited to was when she was only fourteen years old. The call had been to Ingrid, who was then immediately turning to Mapi with a huge smile on her face. 

Partly because it was their daughters first call up, and partly because it had been Norway who had come knocking on her door. 

Mapi and Ingrid would always argue (playfully, most of the time), about which country their daughter would represent, should she choose the path of becoming a professional athlete. 

And while it didn’t matter in the end, for their daughter chose instead to become a doctor as opposed to an athlete, she did spend a good bit of her youth playing both football and handball, very competitively. 

She had been in La Masia, and showed great promise as a future defender, so it really wasn’t much of a surprise to anyone involved when Elena was selected for Norway’s U16 camp, despite the fact that she was only fourteen. 

And though both Ingrid and Mapi were excited (once a certain Spaniard got over being butthurt that it wasn’t Spain who had come calling), they left the ultimate decision up to Elena on whether or not she wanted to go. 

“Mi sol, at the end of the day the choice is yours. You are allowed to do whatever you would like, your Mama and I would always support that,” Mapi reassured gently, and Elena nodded her head slowly, but she still looked rather unsure. 

“Thank you Mami, I appreciate it, I really do. I just…is there any way I could have a minute before I decide?” The teenager asked gently, and her mother nodded easily. 

“Take all the time you need, there is no rush,” Mapi promised, squeezing her daughter's shoulder gently before the girl slipped away. But instead of heading for her room as the Spaniard expected her to, she headed for the balcony instead.

Elena pulled out her phone carefully from her pocket as she shut the door behind her, staring at it for a few moments before clicking open to her contacts. She hit dial before holding it up to her ear, listening to the line ring before it clicked, signifying that her godmother had picked up the phone

“Elena, pequeña! What have I done to deserve a phone call from my favorite goddaughter?” Alexia practically yelled into the phone, not exactly helping the argument that she ‘wasn’t old’ and ‘understood technology completely.’ The girl rolled her eyes at her godmother's antics, even if she knew to expect them. 

“Tia, I am your ONLY goddaughter,” Elena reminded her, but there was a smile on her face regardless.

“Ah semantics semantics! What is up pequeña, how are you?” Alexia asked, her voice a little more soft and gentle now. It wasn’t exactly a common occurrence for the green eyed girl to call the blonde like this out of the blue, so the former Barcelona captain made sure to seem extra attentive. 

“Oh I’m good,” Elena said carefully, before she went quiet. Alexia didn’t respond, sensing that there was more the younger girl wanted to say. 

“I got invited to a U16 camp, with Norway,” she finally forced out quietly, bracing herself for the former Barcelona captain to gasp, to scream, to get all excited. She had been preparing herself for Alexia to lose her mind, to be so excited that she wouldn’t even listen to Elena’s concerns. 

But it never came. 

“You don’t sound excited pequeña,” Alexia commented lightly, her tone filled with more protectiveness than excitement, and no judgment whatsoever. As much as Alexia wanted her goddaughter to be a footballer, same as her mothers, she cared far more about her well-being than anything else as trivial as her career. 

Elena sighed, fiddling with the hem of her shirt as she tried to organize her thoughts appropriately, in a way that was understandable. 

“I am excited, but I’m also…I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I want to be a footballer, is it silly of me to consider even going?” Elena asked, her insecurity poking through in her tone.

“Oh course you can still go, even if you are not sure. There is no requirement, it is not a contract that states that if you go now, you are obligated to become a footballer,” Alexia reminded gently. Her words were soft, and Elena clung to how secure her tone was, as though she held all of the answers to every problem the teenager had ever had. 

It was one thing for her mothers to tell her, but for Alexia to? It was somehow better, hearing it from her mouth. As biased as Alexia was, because she loved her, she had always been honest with Elena too. 

“Yes but…well there are people like you who are or were SO sure of what they want to do, and would I be taking up someone else’s spot by committing when I’m not even sure football is what I want to do? I love it, I know I do, but I’m just not sure that it’s what I want for the rest of my life,” Elena explained, and it was not a new thought in her mind but it was still hard to say, because she’d never spoken the thought aloud to someone. Not even her mothers, who were inside the living room trying very hard to pretend like they weren’t eavesdropping on the entire conversation. 

Mapi was practically sitting on Ingrid’s lap, she was leaning so far over her wife as she angled her body and ears toward the balcony, even if she couldn’t hear much with the door being closed.  

“Elena, for as many people who are sure, there are a hundred more who are not. You are fourteen, you are not supposed to have everything figured out right now. Look at people like Salma, she couldn’t decide until she was practically eighty years old what sport she wanted to do!” Alexia exclaimed, and even though Salma had picked her sport at nineteen and not eighty, it still managed to elicit a small laugh from her goddaughter. 

“You deserve to be there, that is why they called you up! This is a chance for you to go and see if you like it. That’s what youth team camps are all about,” Alexia insisted, and there was a pause on the line before the teenager spoke again.

“But also…what if they don’t like me Alexia? What if I am not Norwegian enough for them, or not good enough at football, or I’m weird and young and I don’t make any friends?” Elena said all in a rush, dumping out the bucket of her worries to be sifted through by her ever loving godmother. 

“Oh Elena. They are going to LOVE you, because you are kind and considerate and compassionate. The rest of it isn’t important, you just need to go in there and be kind and you will make friends, I promise. And hey, who knows, some of the girls there might be international as well! Some of your mothers old teammates have children, many of whom were all raised in different countries,” Alexia rattled patiently, remembering acutely how worried she had been when she had begun to be called up to national team camps. She tries her hardest to tell Elena what she needed to be told when she was a young girl, with nobody to give her this advice first hand. 

“I remember when I was younger, god I was a disaster at youth team camps! I was so awkward and shy, but the girls were still always so nice and welcoming, I didn’t have much time to feel self conscious about it,” the midfielder remembered fondly, chuckling to herself as she thought back on the memory. 

Oh, if only I had managed to grow out of my social anxiety as I got older, she thought wryly, before focusing back on the conversation. 

“And hey, at the worst? It’s only two weeks. Two weeks of just giving it a try, and then at least you can say that you did it. If you don’t like it, nobody will force you to go back,” Alexia promised.

“And you’d still…still be proud of me? Even if I hated it and never wanted to play football again because it was so terrible?” Elena asked quietly, her voice soft.

“Elena, I would be proud of you if you went on to win the Ballon d’Or, or if you never touched a football again in your entire life. I will always be proud of you, no matter what you do. But for the record, I don’t think it’s going to be that bad, but even if it went terribly, I will still love you,” Alexia insisted, and it’s the truth. Years later, when Elena graduates from medical school, it will be Alexia who skips the Ballon d’Or ceremony that she had been invited to present at, in order to sit in the front row with Mapi and Ingrid’s family, screaming when her goddaughter walked across the stage to receive her degree. 

But for now, she is content to love the teenager in whatever way she needs, including when she is just trying to figure out what she wants to do in life. 

“Thank you Alexia. I love you,” Elena whispered, her throat suddenly tight with how grateful she is to have her godmother in her life. 

To the rest of the world, Alexia might be the terrifying former Barcelona captain, one of the best players of their generation, but to Elena? She had always been the woman whose face lit up when she walked in the room, the woman who adored spending time with her and reading stories and gave her the best hugs. 

“I love you too pequeña, always,” Alexia insists, wishing her goddaughter goodnight before they hung up the phone. 

With a renewed sense of sureness, Elena marched back inside with determination and right over to where her mothers were sitting together on the couch, pressed up against one another as they tried to pretend that they weren’t entirely focused on the balcony. 

The dark haired teenager raised her eyebrow slightly at the upside down crossword Mapi was pretending to complete and the fact that Ingrid was staring at her wife like she was trying to memorize the silhouette of her face despite the fact that they spent every single day together. She knew they were just doing their best, and that they were both far too nosy for their own good. 

“I would like to go to the youth camp,” she declared, and both Ingrid and Mapi smiled brightly at their daughter as they nodded their agreement, happy to see that she was so sure of herself. 

—

Ingrid had flown out to Oslo with Elena, but she only stayed long enough to drop her off at the hotel and check her in with the staff members. The players were going directly to training, where parents really weren’t supposed to go, and Ingrid hadn’t really planned to spend a whole ton of time around unless Elena needed her to, for some reason.  

It wasn’t the first time Elena had said goodbye to her mother before they separated for something like this, but it did feel weird to know that she wouldn’t see either of her parents for a whole two weeks. 

She clings to the Norwegian for a hair too long, her grip tighter than it’s been in awhile. She feels young again, much younger than she actually is. Luckily, Ingrid’s love is readily available, and she doesn’t comment on her daughter's slightly desperate grip. 

“You’re going to be just fine, Elena. I love you, you call me if you need anything okay? Your Mami and I will call you once a day at least but if you need us more than that we are only a phone call away. And we can always hop on a flight if you need us!” Ingrid rambled, knowing that when she stopped talking she would have to leave. 

“I will be okay Mama. I’ll be sure to call you and Mami a lot to tell you about everything. I love you!” Elena called out as she finally forced herself away, leaving with one of the trainers to get settled in her hotel room before training commenced in a bit. 

She got her stuff settled in the room, noticing that another girl had already placed her luggage on the opposite side of the room. The green eyed girl wondered briefly who her roommate would be, but she didn’t have much time to think on it when someone came to get her for training. 

She was one of the last to arrive, and therefore by the time she had arrived out to the pitch, all of the girls were starting to warm up. 

Most of the girls are older than she is, standing in groups as they all laughed and chatted in a variety of languages. Elena was generally a pretty outgoing person in most circumstances, but this admittedly made her more nervous than usual. 

A lot of the girls seemed to already have groups of friends, and seemed older than her. It felt awkward to go up and introduce herself to these random people who already had a set friend group. 

She could see Frida and Emma’s daughter Kajsa in a group with a few other girls. Her mother had told her that Kajsa would be there, but the two didn’t know one another, because Kajsa was nearly two years older than she was. 

She noticed a few of the girls were standing by themselves off to the side, and she surveyed them quickly to determine who to walk up to. Most of them looked pretty focused, staring intently at the ball they were working with, clearly deep within their thoughts. 

She clocked Valeria, Marta and Caro’s daughter, but the look on her face is dark and filled with a determination that offsets Elena from feeling willing to go up to her. 

When she turned to her right, there was a girl who looked to be a little younger than the rest, much like herself, who was juggling the ball off to the side of the group. She had light brown, almost mousy hair, and unlike the other girls who were by themselves, she had a bright smile as she looked down at the ball. 

She actually looked like she was having fun, and Elena isn’t entirely sure what makes her feet start moving, but all the sudden she’s standing right in front of her, clearing her throat and greeting the girl. 

“Hi,” Elena said softly as she walked over, a wash of nerves. The girl looked up at her in surprise, her mouth forming a little “o” as she stared back at the other girl. The ball fell listlessly at her feet, and she offered a slightly shy smile of her own back. 

“Hey,” she replied, her voice soft and calm. She seemed quite nervous, her outward behavior a direct reflection of what Elena was feeling on the inside. 

“I’m Elena,” the teenager introduced, and the girl seemed to perk up slightly. She seemed very shy, and if there was one thing the green eyed girl was good at, it was getting introverts out of their shell. 

“My name is Kaia,” she echoed Elena’s greeting, and the Barcelona native couldn’t help the grin that broke out onto her face at the flush that was peaking through Kaia’s cheeks. 

The taller girl's accent was strange, no matter what language she spoke. Her Norwegian was accented, and so was her English, and Elena couldn’t put her finger on it until they were hanging out in their room later that night. 

The two had been selected to room together for the two weeks, so it really was serendipitous that Elena had chosen to go up to Kaia as opposed to any of the other girls who were by themselves. 

They were sitting in their respective beds in their hotel room later that night, when the taller girl turned toward Elena with an air of nerves around her. 

“Is it okay if I call my mums?” She asked, and the Spanish Norwegian immediately furrowed her brows. Kaia clearly takes it as being more malicious and less as the confusion it really is, as the dark haired girl tried to figure out if what she had said was the truth. Kaia had experienced plenty of teasing in her youth from her peers about her two mothers, and she immediately draws back in on herself as a result. 

“Yeah I…I have two mums,” she said softly, but the confusion shifted to her when Elena smiled brightly at her sentence. 

“Me too!” She exclaimed, and Kaia’s mouth flopped open, her reservations fleeing her with the drop of a hat practically. 

“Really?!” The taller girl asked in amazement, her whole face lighting up in relief. She didn’t often meet many others who could say this. 

“Yeah, I do! They used to play on the same football team together, that’s where they met,” Elena explained, and once again Kaia looked at her new friend in complete surprise. 

“That’s exactly what happened with my mums too! Do you want to meet them?” Kaia asked earnestly, and Elena nodded before she bounded over to the other bed, stuffing her smaller body close next to Kaia’s as the girl FaceTimed her mothers. 

“Hello darling!” Elena recognized Fran Kirby by both her appearance and accent in half a second, understanding settling over her. She remembered her mother telling her that Maren and Fran had a daughter her age, but she didn’t know that Kaia would be here. 

Suddenly, Kaia’s English accented Norwegian, and Norwegian accented English were starting to make sense. The accents made sense when she could place exactly where they had come from. 

“Mum, this is my friend Elena,” Kaia introduced, and the dark haired girl watched in amusement as Maren poked her head into the camera frame as well, a big smile on her face. 

“You’re Ingrid and Mapi’s daughter, right?” Maren asked kindly, and Elena nodded eagerly, waving hello to the older woman she had met several times. 

“You guys have met each other before, but only when you were babies!” Fran recalled, a statement Maren agreed with readily. 

Ingrid is equally as excited about Elena’s befriending of Kaia when they call her and Mapi right after, the two girls regaling their day at training in long detail.

Okay, it’s a lot of Elena talking in long tangents as Kaia listens patiently, adding in a few details here and there. But the older girl seems completely content to listen to Elena speak, capturing every small detail and little moment. 

For the two weeks they are at camp, the fourteen and fifteen year old are entirely inseparable. They eat together, train together, and when one of them gets lonely, they crawl into the other's bed to hang out and talk far past when they were supposed to go to bed (neither of them are aware that when they are older, they’ll spend every single night like that, together). 

Kaia followed Elena around almost like a lost puppy, and the dark haired girl happily drug her everywhere she went. It was easy for Elena to pull Kaia out of her shell, natural really, and they clearly fit together really well. 

It’s clear to anyone with eyeballs that Kaia has a crush on Elena, but neither of them are quite old enough to pick up on it. All they know is that they both loved spending time with one another, although neither of them realized just how much until later in life. 

But as relationships usually are when you are young, when the two girls leave camp, despite having exchanged phone numbers, they fall out of touch with one another. Kaia lives in England, and Elena still lives in Barcelona, and the opportunities for them to see one another in person are rare. 

They still follow one another through social media, and the occasional texting conversation. When Kaia gets her first Lioness call up at just 17, Elena is one of the first people to text her congratulations. And when Elena graduates high school, Kaia of course texts her to congratulate her as well, thrilled for her friend. 

But nothing feels quite the same as when they were younger, and Elena tried to accept that. She tried to move on, unsure of why she was so stuck on some two week friendship that, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn’t really have meant anything. 

Or would it? 

Luckily, their distance wasn’t something she’d have to accept for forever. 

—

Elena had just gotten out of one of her university classes when she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket, and she reached down to fish it out. 

The dark haired girl couldn’t stop the shock she felt traveling through her when she saw the name on her phone, and the contact pictured attached, signaling who was calling her. 

It was an old photo, one from four years ago in fact, and it felt like a time capsule, pulling the green eyed girl back to a time of football camps and giggling under the covers with one of the funniest people she had ever met. A time of spending two weeks attached at the hip with a shy girl who blushed when she held her hand to drag her toward the gym, who always passed her the ball even though she clearly wasn’t the best player at camp. 

She stared at Kaia’s picture for so long she almost forgot to accept the phone call, and she scrambled to do so before the ringing ceased. 

“Kaia?” She asks into her phone almost breathlessly, despite the fact that she’s standing still. Her heart is pounding in her chest, and she’s not entirely sure why. Her and Kaia haven’t spoken really since they were fourteen and fifteen, and they were eighteen and nineteen now. 

It was too long for her reaction to be this visceral, but it still is, for some reason. She can’t explain it, she doesn’t want it to ever go away, though. 

“Hi Elena,” Kaia says softly, and her voice is lower and more mature, but it’s still Kaia. It warms Elena’s heart immensely, and she smiles despite the fact that the English footballer can’t see her. 

“How are you?” The dark haired girl asked, genuinely curious. She could have picked up the phone and called, she knew that, but for some reason she hadn’t. 

It felt even more strange for Kaia to be calling. Shy, quiet, sometimes awkward Kaia, who sometimes people thought was mean, but Elena knew it was really just that she spent far too much time in her own head. 

Although, she didn’t look all that awkward when she was on a football pitch, scoring goals like she was born to be a nine. She was brilliant, if a bit inexperienced. 

“I’m, I’m good. Really good actually. But I, well, I need your help with something,” Kaia explained quickly, and Elena raised her brow but asked what the striker needed all the same. 

“You spent last summer in Sweden right?” Kaia asked, and when Elena confirmed it, she continued. The green eyed girl had gone to spend the summer with Frido, and even Ingrid and Mapi had come for a few weeks on holiday as well.  “I’m going on loan to Hammarby for the season to get some more experience, and I was hoping you had any some tips on how to get around, or your favorite spots. Or any of the slang they’re using nowadays, it’s been an embarrassingly long amount of time since I’ve been back to Norway, and the only Norwegian I’m speaking nowadays is with Mom,” she revealed, and Elena felt her heart flutter in her chest. 

If she were thinking about it logically, it would be a little suspicious. Plenty of the girls who they played with in the youth teams were actually playing in Sweden, and probably knew much better than Elena did from just a summer spent with Frido in the countryside. 

And there was always the fact that her mother probably knew dozens of Swedes, who again would know better than the Barcelona based Spaniard. 

But she doesn’t care, because Kaia is calling her, and suddenly she has an excuse to talk to the girl who she’s been unable to get out of her head for years. She hadn’t realized until an embarrassingly long amount of time after the fact that it was a crush she had on Kaia back then, but as soon as she had realized she had been unable to let that go. 

Would things have been different, if they had stayed in touch afterward? She wasn’t entirely sure, but it didn’t matter. Maybe they could be friends now, if nothing else. 

Even if it isn’t going to turn into anything, she’d rather have a tiny bit of Kaia than nothing at all. She doubted Kaia would ever feel the same about her, and how could she? Sweet, brilliant, talented, soon to be famous Kaia, who would never fall for the university student who had little interest in the fame and money that football wanted. 

(Oh, if only she knew that Kaia wanted every single part of her, wholly, completely. She always had, even when they were kids.) 

—

Elena rolled over in her sleep, and unlike usual, there was an object blocking her from doing so fully. 

An object that smelled like jasmine and everything safe in the world, and the dark haired woman instantly turned to burrow into it, clinging tightly to the woman in her bed. 

Strong arms pulled her in tightly, and she blinked her eyes open sleepily to find that Kaia was smiling down at her, before the hazel eyed woman held her face gently in her hands, leaning forward to press a resounding kiss to her forehead. 

“Good morning,” she said softly, before she moved to bring Elena further into her, pressing their bodies together as she had longed to do for what felt like years. The smaller woman allowed her body to be moved easily, wrapping her own arms around Kaia and holding her close.

“You weren’t supposed to get in until later today?” She says in lieu of a greeting, her voice raspy and soft as she allows herself to stay nestled against her girlfriend. It's been over a month since they last saw one another, with their respective busy schedules. 

“I took an earlier flight. I wanted to see you sooner,” Kaia admits sheepishly, her nose twinging with pink as it gives away how clearly besotted she is. Elena’s eyebrows furrowed adorably in confusion as she leaned back to look her girlfriend in the eye, and the brunette reached forward to press her thumb to the space between her eyebrows and smoothing the crease, just because she could. 

“I was asleep! That can’t be exciting enough to move your flight to get in at seven in the morning,” She protested as she looked over at the clock with a wince at how early the time was, but Kaia just let out a small laugh. 

“I firmly disagree, you are completely adorable when you are asleep, and you get all clingy in the mornings. I couldn’t stand to miss another morning of it if I didn’t have to,” Kaia argues good naturedly, and Elena smiles before she presses forward, finally kissing her girlfriend for real. She loved this version of Kaia, the one that was all soft and giggly and gentle. 

It was the version of her that only existed for the green eyed woman, and nobody else. And as much as Elena loved seeing her girlfriend score buckets of goals on the pitch, this would always be her favorite version of the woman. 

“You don’t have to miss it anymore,” the Barcelona native whispered against her lips with excitement, and could feel the curve of Kaia’s own lips as she echoed the dark haired woman’s smile. 

“Not anymore, no. I’m going in at two today to sign the contract and take photos, so you need to help me with my hair and makeup,” Kaia explained, and Elena let out a sigh of relief as she nodded, more than willing to do so. 

After her one year loan spell at Hammarby, Kaia had returned back to Chelsea until she was twenty two years old, when she had made a move to Atletico Madrid for a year. All the while, she and Elena had never lost touch after that initial phone call about Kaia’s ‘Swedish questions.’

While she was at Hammarby, Elena had come to visit her several times (as much as her school schedule allowed), and the more time they had spent together the more the two had realized that what they had went far beyond the bounds of a normal friendship. By the time Kaia was set to go back to Chelsea after her loan, the two had begun dating. 

Elena’s six year medical school program was in Barcelona, and when Kaia went to move clubs to Spain when she was 22, the only offer closer than England had been for Atletico Madrid. The couple had figured that it was better than nothing, and Elena had argued that it would give the Barcelona staff a chance to see how brilliant the English player was. 

And sure enough, she was right, because it was not more than a few months into her contract that they reached out, asking to sign the Lioness after the expiration of her one year contract with Atletico Madrid. 

All of which led them to today, after nearly five years of dating, when Kaia signed her first Barcelona contract, which would keep her in Catalonia for the next four years. 

“I love you so much,” Elena murmured as she tucked herself back into the striker, allowing herself to collapse into the sturdy arms that are wrapped around her. 

The brunette deposited a resounding kiss to the crown of her girlfriends head, cuddling closer to Elena and relishing in the closeness that they never seemed to be able to get enough of. 

And while they don’t know it at the time, they’ll never have to be without one another for the rest of their lives, luckily.

[harlowcomehome]

Babysitting gone wrong:

A requested Hazel and Jade fic.

“But dad- I’m twelve! I can watch Jade! She’s not a baby anymore and neither am I!” Hazel groaned, throwing her head back as she felt like her dad wasn’t listening to her.

“Why would you want to? Is twelve even old enough to be alone at the house? ” Jack didn’t even look at her as he chaotically packed his suitcase, he had waited until the last minute despite your constant reminders.

You had overheard the tale end of the conversation and made your way into the bedroom with Jade tailing behind you.

“Mom! Tell him!” Hazel whined she had been tiptoeing into her pre-teen angst and it showed.

“Tell him what bug?” You tried to hide your smile, knowing she was a carbon copy of her dad’s attitude and it was very obviously getting to him. Jack's face was flush as he shot you an irritated glance, the way he was packing his suitcase bothered you as you walked over to him, softly moving him aside with your hip as you folded his shirts to fit better.

“Thank you baby” he leaned into you, kissing your cheek. His curls were a mess, his eyes were tired. He was running on fumes but still looked as handsome as ever to you.

“I asked if I could babysit Jade tonight when you guys leave. Grandma and Grandpa have bingo at six and instead of them missing it I can watch the house!” She spoke so quickly it took a moment for you to catch up to what she was saying.

“B-I-N-G-O and bingo was his name-oh!” Jade chimed in as she crawled on the bed and got under the covers immediately.

“You didn’t tell Mom why you want to do that” Jack smirked, stifling a laugh.

“Money, I assume?”

“Nothing in life is free” Hazel shrugged making you giggle at her hustler mentality.

“Grandma and Grandpa are at bingo for like two hours! I can do it!” Hazel looked up at you with big puppy dog eyes and pouty lips. “I won’t be alone! Lucky and Olive are here!”

“Our dog and cat are not going to help you take care of your sister. Having to be the only one in charge is exhausting.” Jack looked at you and you knew by the look in his eyes he wanted you to say no with him.

“Sidebar” You and Jack always said that to one another when you had to speak to each other privately. He stopped packing and followed you into the hallway leaving Hazel and Jade alone in the room.

“Babe, It’s just a few hours, we have the cameras to watch her too” you whispered not wanting to undermine Jack in any way.

“Do you think she’s ready for that? Jade is a lot older now but she’s still significantly younger than Hazey” he bit his lip, a telltale sign that he was nervous about it.

“I mean, you used to watch Clay all the time right?”

“I wasn’t that good of a sitter though” Jack chuckled, immediately remembering the time Clay fell off the bed and busted his knee open on his watch.

“It’s your call, big daddy. Whatever you wanna do” You squeezed his bicep knowing that would make him blush, as it always did.

Jack nodded, rubbing his beard with his hand. “You had to do that huh?” The smirk on his face told you what you already knew as you followed him into the bedroom.

“I’ll call your mom and tell her bingo is still on” you giggled as you gave him a quick kiss and went to find your phone to call Maggie.

Jack entered the room with a serious furrowed brow and stern look. “Your mom and I decided that you can watch Jade while grandma and grandpa go to bingo. You’re not allowed for any reason to use the stove or oven when you’re alone. You call us or grandma if you need anything at all, okay?”

“Yes! Thank you!” Hazel hopped off the bed and hugged Jack. “Now let’s talk about some benjamins!”

“You’ve been talking to your Uncles too much” Jack obnoxiously cackled, making Hazel sigh.

“You’re also wild if you think you’re getting paid racks on racks to watch your sister”

“What if I do an amazing job?” Hazel batted her eyelashes at Jack.

“Yeah, daddy! Hazey will do a good job!” Jade backed her older sister up with a big grin earning a high-five from Hazel.

“Then you’ll be hired again” you chimed in as you entered the room again. “Daddy and I will discuss your allowance when we get back.”

••••

When you and Jack had finally left the house you could tell he was anxious, you kept your hand on his knee the entire ride to the tarmac. You both had given Hazel a long talking to about calling 911 if there was an emergency, but Jack still didn’t feel at ease.

“It’s just for a few hours, my love” You handed him your phone with the security camera footage, giving him your airpod to listen.

“Okay, Jadey! What do you want to do now that it’s just us?” Hazel stood at the front of the living room.

“Can we eat candy? Oh! And play princess tea party? ” Jade was going to take full advantage of the situation, knowing Hazel would be more lenient than Mom and dad. She hopped off the couch and followed Hazel into the kitchen wiggling her loose tooth.

Jack handed you the phone back, deciding to trust the process and earning a kiss from you as you locked your phone.

“We can drink tea and eat some cookies, how does that sound?” Hazel used the step stool in the kitchen to get some tea bags from the cabinet.

“Uh oh!” Jade slapped a hand over her mouth, as Lucky started to pee inside the house. He had been waiting by the door but nobody had noticed for longer than his little bladder could hold.

“Bad lucky!” Jade ran over to him to open the back door but Hazel was already getting the towels and tile cleaner from under the sink.

“I got it Jadey- just go set up the tea table okay?” Hazel was trying to hide her annoyance as she cleaned up the mess that Lucky left dribbled on the tile floor.

It wasn’t long before she heard a big crash coming from Jade's bedroom, shutting the back door quickly after Lucky came running back inside.

“JADE?” A horrific scream came from Hazel as she ran toward her little sister's room, the plastic table they usually did tea parties on had fallen over, but nothing serious happened otherwise.

“I’m okay! I’m okay!” Jade was cleaning up the stuffed animals and plastic plates that had fallen on the floor of her bedroom. Hazel helped her set the table up before asking her to follow her to the kitchen to get the tea and cookies.

“You can carry the cookies and I’ll carry the tea.” She handed Jade the box of Keebler Danish wedding cookies as she opened the fridge to get a can of cold brisk tea.

“Cold tea?” Jade tilted her head to the side knowing normally you’d boil water on the stove.

“Daddy said I can’t use the stove” Hazel shrugged as she followed her little sister back to the bedroom.

The two of them were having a princess tea party as they usually did when Jade let out a shriek, her tooth barely hanging on by a thread.

“Oh my- Jade!” The color on Hazels face completely disappeared, trying to remember what you and Jack would do. “Don’t move!”

Hazel ran to the kitchen to get some paper towels to wrap her fingers in. When she got back to Jade she was crying and panicking.

“What do we do?” Jade sniffled as she tried not to move her mouth too much.

“I have to pull your tooth out Jadey! It’ll be fast okay? You trust me?”

“I’m scared” Jade whimpered as Hazel quickly tugged on the tooth that was barely hanging on.

Just as Hazel pulled the tooth out both Maggie and Brian arrived home from bingo causing a commotion as Lucky barked and Olive jumped down from Jade's book shelf.

“Do you think the tooth fairy will bring me lots of money?” Jade giggled as she held the napkin up to her mouth.

“I’m sure she will” Hazel sighed relieved that her grandparents were finally home.

“How did babysitting go?” Maggie asked the girls as she checked on them.

“Great!” Jade chimed in, “I lost a tooth!”

“I need a nap” Hazel groaned as she lay down on the floor. “Tell my dad he was right. I am exhausted.” she rolled over on the carpet closing her eyes and earning a stifled giggle from her grandma.

[wingsofimagery]

Face

✴ Summary: Seonghwa was in his dark times again. Thoughts that should not cloud his judgment roamed rampantly in his mind. A horrible mind game that only could be cured by your reassurance. ✴ Characters: Seonghwa x Reader ✴ Genre: Angst w/ Comfort ✴ Rating/Warnings: General/SFW ✴ Word Count: 758 ✴ A/N: I'm a constant liar but I did start writing that TA!Sehyoon. Just needed this one out before this account goes dead again. Writing long stories really isn't my forte...

Mingi had informed you of how Seonghwa’s mood has been drastically low lately. You decided it was high time to get him out of his slump. According to your books, one can only be left to their demise for so long. You knocked on the door softly to announce your entry to him. Silence greeted you, but you saw his hunched-up back. 

“Seonghwa,” you called out to him with a reserved gentleness.

You got no response, so you tried again, only to get an acknowledging grunt from him. You sighed with resignation and plopped yourself down on the bed. He remained resilient, not letting you see him as he tilted his body away from your direction. 

“Park Seonghwa, tell me what’s wrong,” you pleaded.

You wrapped your hand around his wrist and tugged on it in futile. You were beginning to feel frustrated. You only wanted to comfort Seonghwa in the same way he does for you. What is a relationship without mutual giving and taking?

“Look away,” he finally whined.

“What?”

“Look away,” he repeated, “I don’t want you to see how ugly I am.” 

Your heart broke in an instant. 

“What are you on about? Who called you ugly?” “I did.”

You crossed your arms over your chest.

“And why is that?”

He was quiet again.

“Look at me, my star.” 

He finally removed his hands from his face, turning to face you. You brushed his hair out of the way, then knelt on the bed to hug his head to your chest. “No one is allowed to say mean things about the love of my life, not even the person himself.” 

“I’m only speaking the truth,” he muttered against your chest.

You pulled him away and cupped his cheeks. Your eyes stared dead straight into his, causing a shiver to run down his spine. He could see the passion in your eyes.

“Have you ever heard of the saying: the current face you have is the face of the person you loved most in your past life?” 

“But this is my first life,” he replied with a pout on his lips. 

You heaved a sigh. 

“Okay, so when I reincarnate, I’ll be born with your face. Does that mean I am unattractive?” 

He rapidly shook his head in denial.

“You’re anything but. You’re beautiful inside out; you can make my face work on you, my love. You’d look good with any face.” You sighed, resting your forehead against his. " But that’s how I feel about you. You’re so ethereal inside and out. You don’t realize it, but I’m here to remind you just how truly amazing you are. The way you see me is the same exact way I see you. The higher being in charge of creating you sure took their sweet time to make you perfect because it’s unfair you are the way you are.” 

He chuckled sadly, his eyes downcast to avoid your loving gaze. The confident persona was nowhere to be found, clouded by murky clouds of doubt. The shine was completely blocked out by a curtain of unease. Your lips pursed in response. His sadness flowed and struck deeply into your heart. Nevertheless, you refused to give up on him.

“Although the rain likes to ruin your peace, I, the sun, will always peek out to shine on you. What I’m trying to say is… Park Seonghwa, you are an angel. You have wings, but I think you shrunk them a little too much because you can’t even see them yourself anymore.” 

You knew he wanted to refute you, but he resigned his argument upon seeing the sparkles in your eyes. You were determined to show him his worth, so the least he could do was wholeheartedly accept your feelings and make them his own. 

You affectionately pecked his nose, to which he chased after you fruitlessly for a kiss on the lips. You laughed breathlessly at his desperation. A thumb reached up to graze against his lips before you leaned in to kiss him. You poured your love into the kiss, hoping he could feel even a portion of your ever-flowing adoration for him. 

Once you pulled away, you tapped his nose with your index. 

“I love you to infinity and beyond; remember that, Park Seonghwa,” you declared.

Seonghwa smiled and nodded, “I truly, deeply love you.” 

You giggled because while you made a Toys Story reference, he went and made his own Star Wars reference. Two loving dorks just sitting there basking in their affection for one another.

[guilty-shot-au]

Okay, I have been meaning to say this for a while, because I think this is a noticeable problem in our community:

Every ask matters And yet there are NONE

Do you feel bored in this RP fandom?

Tired of browsing a rarely updating tag?

Notice how half the community is joining ask games?

Ever wonder why many OS RP blogs go almost completely inactive?

Notice how there's half a dozen boring and slow as hell arcs going on recently?

This is because many blogs get NO asks at all. Popular or not.

Even OS Game RP giants like @diginiko-asks and @nyat-a-cat (currently shadowbanned so ask @the-kerfus-machine ) can experience a complete lack of asks sent sometimes!

And we need YOU to send some to the blogs you follow!

No matter what you send, no matter if they get answered or not, having asks to answer is good for everyone!

If you find yourself constantly waiting for asks all day, without actually sending asks out yourself, you are a part of the problem!

This community thrives on interaction, not waiting!

Want to help this community? Want to improve people's days? Try sending three or more asks to random blogs a day!

Feel anxious to send asks? Nobody in this RP will do anything to you, and the characters do not reflect any of the blog runners intentions. Also, the anon option is there for a reason! Always remember that you have good intentions!

Feel like you will worsen someone's day by sending an ask? As long as you follow the rules set by the blog runner, you won't! At worst, it's a forgivable annoyance.

And if you are running an RP blog, remember: you are not obligated to reply to any asks sent, do not let this hobby cause you burnout.

"Oh, but I don't know who to ask!"

Just browse the "#OS game RP" tag, it's more effective than you might think at finding new blogs!

Check the blogs you follow, there's likely an RP blog or two you forgot about.

There's already large lists of OS game RP blogs out there, check out Mapmaker's interview list and the fifh masterpost!

"Oh, but I don't know what to ask!"

Here's some ideas:

Philosophy, hobbies, and specific preferences are simple topics to form questions in, and can tell a lot about a character!

Ask something as YOUR character! - Have a casual conversation between two different characters with someone else in a thread, share lore on the way, tell stories, and have fun!

Question some lore! - If you can ask something regarding a character's backstory, especially to fill in the potential plot holes, that can be very healthy for the writing side of running an RP blog!

A lot of blogs are actually fine with M!As, if they are simple or interesting!

Found yourself questioning or answering something interesting out of RP? Great ask!

Found something interesting in a quiz? That's a great ask idea!

Came up with something that would probably cause funny reactions? - Ask away!

Heard a silly question in general? Great! Guess who you can redirect it to!

Remember: Questions do not have to be complicated! Don't feel bad if something of yours does not get answered, because you had good intentions in the end!

But I am never going to tell you to send people random nonsense just for them to not have empty inboxes, so try to avoid:

Random memes/words - These are hard to work with and are unlikely to lead to interesting things.

Basic compliments - Most characters will probably say "thanks", unless they have a backstory for it.

Repeating jokes - No one's gonna have fun if you just send "Fifh" to Freeware entity for the 15th time without putting a unique twist on it.

Spam, NSFW, exc. - Just no.

In general, it's best to put thought in your asks.

If you have anything to state on the topic, please do so in the reblogs. I encourage you to check them.

Share this around and tell your friends to send out asks regularly!

Anyways good night, sleep deprived ramble over.

[milaisreading]

Maybe Ness rambling about his interests, but gets quite thing y/n would think he's weird or annoying.

Y/n notices it and tell him that she loves seeing this side of him. Just overall someone loving ness as ness. My baby needs it 🤧🤧

🌱🩷: Hope u are fine with this!! Thanks for the request 🩷

Warning: Reader is crossdressing so I am using a mix of she/her and he/him. Requests are open

⚽️Blue lock belongs to Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura⚽️

'Kaiser... He isn't paying any attention to me... Ever since Isagi spoke back to him he has been more distant with me. He just tells me what to do. But, it's not like I can say anything back. I have nobody but him. He is my only friend-'

"Ness. Ness. Ness!"

The magenta-eyed boy shook himself out of his thoughts as he heard (Y/n)'s voice and felt her shake his shoulders.

"What?" Ness looked back at her, blinking in confusion as the girl raised an eyebrow.

"Are you ok? You look lost." He flinched at her words and glanced at Kaiser, who was annoying Isagi and Kurona.

"I am fine. Did you need anything?" Ness asked while looking back at her.

"Can I sit here and eat? Gesner and Grim want to sit here as well."

(Y/n) said as she pointed at the two boys behind her.

"Uhm... Sure." The boy nodded his head slowly as the three sat down and started eating.

"Are we practicing today?" Gesner wondered as he looked at (Y/n), who slowly nodded her head.

"Sure. You guys wanted to practice passes, anyway."

"Wait... You two are working with him? Are you betraying Kaiser?" Ness asked the two Germans with an irritated tone, earning a sigh from Grim.

"No, we are not. On the field we are on Kaiser's side, but off the field we hang out."

"Calm down, Ness. Nobody is going against the king, or whatever." Gesner laughed and continued eating. Ness growled a little in irritation, but stopped as (Y/n) put a plate on his tray.

"What is that?" Ness raised an eyebrow, recognizing that it was one of the chocolate puddings he liked at the facility.

"You told me you liked that pudding, you can have it. I am not much of a fan of it." (Y/n) shrugged, taking a bite from her rice and chicken. Ness' eyes widened for a moment and gulped as he looked down at the food.

"You... How did you know?"

"What do you mean how do I know?" (Y/n) raised an eyebrow and gulped down her food.

"You told me that. You said you liked it so much since that was what you mom made you when you were sick."

"You... You listened?" Ness asked in shock as (Y/n) slowly nodded her head.

"I might not look like it, but I do pay attention." She said, a little offended and started eating again.

The magenta-eyed boy could feel his heartbeat pick up for a moment as he stared at (Y/n), who was busy talking with Grim about something he couldn't catch.

'He cared enough to remember this... He cared enough to give me his dessert... Something Kaiser never did.' Ness glanced at the blonde and shook his head. No! He can't betray Kaiser like that! He shouldn't have someone else in mind! He slowly ate a spoon full of the pudding as a blush appeared on his face. For some reason, today's pudding tasted a lot sweeter.

'They probably changed the ingredients.'

Later...

"Haaa... Hair washing is so nice~" (Y/n) hummed to herself as she walked to her bed while drying he rhair with a towel. Ness looked away from one of his books he was reading and glanced at her instead.

"Why do you wash your hair always first and then shower?"

"Hm? I don't know. I always washed my hair first and then showered." She shrugged he shoulders and glanced at the book Ness was reading before she walked inside.

"What's that?" The girl stopped with the hair drying and looked in curiosity at the book. It was dark purple with a few golden stars on it. Ness at first thought she was joking, but the genuineness in her voice and eyes quickly told him something else. Taking in a deep breath, the boy contemplated for a moment.

'Should I tell him? Whatever, he will laugh at me either way...'

"It's a book I had ever since I was little. It's a story about witches and wizards."

(Y/n)'s eyes widened a little, surprised he was into those things.

"You like magic?"

Unconsciously, Ness smiled and nodded his head as he started going off on his explanation.

"Yeah! Ever since I was little I liked magic, magical creatures! The fantasy world is so interesting and the best way to escape everything! I have had this book since I was 7, actually! It talks about a boy who embarks on a journey to find- Oh..."

(Y/n) blinked as she saw Ness quickly shut up and look back at his book, face red in embarrassment.

"Embarks on a journey to find what exactly?"

"You were listening? Do you really want to know?"

Ness' head shot up to look at (Y/n) in surprise. This... this was the first time someone cared?

"Yeah? What is it about?"

'Weird. He has been acting off ever since this morning.' (Y/n) thought as Ness gave her a huge smile and started rambling about the story. The girl tried to keep up with what he was saying, nodding every once in a while and asking questions as signs that she was listening.

'Well, if it makes him happy.' She smiled a little, enjoying the rare moments of peace she had with the German.

This continued on for the next few days, Ness would talk about random interests he had with (Y/n) sharing some of her own. The boy would try to keep up with what she was telling him as he didn't want to come off as rude for not remembering anything. Noa, just like the rest of the team were surprised how much the usually bickering duo talked. It looked more like two friends talking than two guys who didn't like each other. And, while (Y/n) for the most part stayed oblivious, or enjoyed the peace, Ness did notice the shift. He noticed it when he would miss her presence during his practices with Kaiser, when she would leave him to eat with one of her Blue lock friends. He just felt alone. He didn't like it. But, Ness knew that things were meant to be like this. She served Isagi as his midfielder, and Ness was Kaiser's. There was nothing the German could do. Or, was there?

Ness felt weird ever since the match against PXG started. He didn't like the feeling of being stuck at Kaiser's side. He didn't like the closeness Charles and Shidou showed towards (Y/n). And most importantly, he didn't like her loyalty towards Isagi!

'I hate this! Why can't he score for himself?!' Ness gritted his teeth as he stole the ball from Shidou and looked ahead to where Kaiser was. This was the blonde's chance to make up for the failed goal from earlier!

'But...' Ness stopped and so did (Y/n) who as she looked at Ness in confusion.

'Why did he stop? Kaiser is right there.' She looked at the confused blonde, then back at Ness.

"Here! Do with it what you want! I don't care!'

The girl's eyes widened as Ness kicked the ball towards her. Hiori and Isagi were stunned as well as they looked at Ness, the boy hiding a blush and ignoring Kaiser's yells as (Y/n) kicked the ball towards Hiori who would assist this time.

"Ness?" The girl questioned as the boy ignored her as well.

'This isn't good for my heart at all!!' Ness yelled on the inside as he put his hand over his racing heart.

'I hate it so much that I love you!'

[beanghostprincess]

Canon and logic be dammed.

I just like the idea of Uta hearing Buggy making his own town (just as the Cross Guild was forming) and as soon she finished her tour, she headed straight to Karai Bari to spend some quality time with Momma Buggy.

Like picture if you will, Buuge's getting the usual treatment in a Cross Guild 'meeting', and a shy knock comes in. A lowly follow tasked to say that there's a visitor requesting the Chairman.

'Who?' A certain lizard and bird ask, 'a by the name of Miss Uta.'

And suddenly Buggy just pops up from the floor, miraculously healed, a sparkly (dare I say, flashy) look in his eyes, "Uta?? Red and white hair? Bunny loops, prettiest purple eyes???"

As soon as the subordinate nodded, Buggy was out the door! Practically flying to the docks.

Crocodile and Mihawk got up and followed the path (grumbling all the way, cuz who the hell is this? Taking away their clowns' attention and making him this damn happy??) Cut to see Buggy swinging the young lady around, elated to have her in his arms. All the while she hugging the stuffing out of the clown and giving him cheek kisses.

'Just who in the hell is this? And who does this little-'

"Momma!" The girl shouted with joy. "I missed you so much!!"

...... huh???

"I missed you too, sweetie!" Buggy grinned ear to ear as he nuzzled his nose atop Uta's head. And he just started to babble about all the things a mother would say

'What are you doing here?/ Have you been eating well?/ look at you! So flashy and cute! Was the trip over here okay? No troubles?' etc.

All of which just turned to white noise to Crocodile and Mihawk as they watched from the sides, both clearly surprised.

And then they picked up the talk from the people around them;

'Is that the famous Uta? Why is she here?'

'Wasn't she supposed to be on a concert tour?'

'Did the captain called her Bunny?'

'Forget that, did she just called Mister Buggy, Mommy??'

I just want Crocodile and Mihawk just shocked to hear that Buggy had a child and find it funny that she's more successful and competent than her 'mother's.

And maybe a bit jealous that Buggy spends 100% of his attention to her all day (the entire trip even).

THIS IS SO CUTE I'M SOBBING-- Uta and Buggy are so so so so sweet together. They make me go insane.

Nobody has ever seen Buggy so... Happy... And optimistic.... And genuinely caring and loving somebody this much. Like it's surprising how much Buggy changes around Uta. That's his little girl!!! Seriously. Buggy calls her his little girl, his little Bunny or whatever and she's all like "I'm older now!!! Stop saying that!!!" and he just hears a sweet little voice because that's still his little girl no matter what.

I want her to stay with them for a while and she is of course so polite and sweet to Crocodile and Mihawk because she is a star and knows how to handle social situations. But damn, she is scary when she sort of threatens them to never hurt her mom ever again. They won't listen to her but at least they won't do anything while she's here because... There's nothing scarier than a teenage idol.

They have girl nights together with Alvida, too!!! And nobody is ever allowed to mention Shanks because if they do, Uta ends up getting incredibly mad or having a breakdown and nobody needs a mentally unstable teenage girl with daddy issues to be angry. Buggy manages to calm her down every time, somehow, it's incredible.

Buggy does her hair and she sings for all of them! They make this huge party to celebrate she is here and I just know a lot of them are her fans, so she would have such a great time too!!! Buuut at the end of the day it's always just Buggy and her and Uta singing lullabies for both of them only under a starry night. I am. So not normal about them. I am not okay.

I don't want to make this about Shanks but they have to have a conversation like:

Buggy: Do you miss him? Uta: No! How could I??!?! I hate him. Buggy: You know, it is okay to miss you father- Uta: He's not-- Not anymore. Buggy: Whatever you say, kid. Uta: Besides, I like you better. Buggy: Pffft. Of course you do! Thought I-- Thought I was your mom, though? Uta: You can be both. As far as I know, both titles are free if you want them. Buggy: As if somebody other than me could match your flashiness, Bunny.

But!!!!! Crocodile and Mihawk??? Jealous of Uta???? Because Buggy spends all of the time with her??? That is amazing. And I also like to think Buggy becomes more competent and bossy when he's with Uta because if there's something scarier than a teenage idol is her parent. And Buggy would do anything for her. So he's extremely protective and also even a better leader now that he has to take care of her. While Mihawk and Crocodile are all like "????? Why the fuck did he not act like this before" and also "Why the fuck has he not talked to us all week ???". Because as long as Uta is near, Buggy doesn't fear them and he doesn't need to talk to them every day. And that bothers them soooooo much.

It'd be funny to see Uta getting along with Mihawk and Crocodile in the end. You all know (because I've talked about it) I just love Uta actually joining them and being the diva of the group. She's extremely protected and loved there!! Also please, add Perona there too because they're,,, Girlfriends,,, And they should meet,,, And be Cross Guild's princesses together,,,

[varpusvaras]

"It seems that for once, we've managed to get ourselves into a happy ending of sorts", Obi-Wan said. "This situation could've gotten seriously out of hand."

Anakin sighed deeply.

"You don't need to tell me that", he said. He both looked and sounded tired, but he was still smiling as he watched Ahsoka across the plaza. Obi-Wan looked over to her as well. She looked just as tired as Anakin, but she was also smiling as she spoke with Rex. That was a good sign. Obi-Wan still wanted to make sure that she was going to talk about all that had happened with someone. He should tell Anakin to make sure she would.

He would, in just a moment. First, he had other things to say.

"I am very proud of you", he said. "Both of you, for not letting your emotions take over you in a difficult situation like this. Ahsoka decided to trust you, even when everything seemed to be going wrong. I'm glad your teachings have made her subdue her impulses."

He had been unsure about pairing Anakin and Ahsoka together. They were very similar in great many ways, and he had been worried that they would just end up amplifying the traits they needed to learn to control. Things had seemed to be heading to that exact scenario, but thankfully, it instead seemed like Obi-Wan had worried too much.

Anakin twisted his smile into a half grin.

"Thank you, Master", he said. "I'm proud of her as well."

Obi-Wan smiled back at him. Before he could say anything else, though, he noticed someone approaching them.

"Senator Organa." Obi-Wan turned towards the man. "Good evening."

Bail Organa smiled at him. It was a polite smile, but still genuine enough, Obi-Wan thought.

"Good evening to you too, Master Kenobi", he greeted him in turn. "No more responsibilities for the night?"

"Not too many, at the moment, though I assure you, they never truly end", Obi-Wan said. "I'm sure you can understand. Though, it seems that you have a free night for once as well? The Temple is not in the direction of either the Senate or your apartments."

Organa tilted his head slightly to the side. He was still smiling, though Obi-Wan thought that he could see a small change in it. It was tighter, now. Still polite, but clearly a lot less genuine than just a moment ago.

Curious. Obi-Wan reached out, ever so slightly, and he was met with a wall as tall as the man himself, and behind that wall, he sensed a storm.

That was concerning. Obi-Wan had learned to trust and even like Bail Organa over the years, despite him standing securily on the field of politics. Even if they didn't always see eye-to-eye in their approaches to different situations, Obi-Wan knew for certain that Bail Organa of Alderaan was a good man. His readiness to help people directly where the help was needed had truly confirmed that to Obi-Wan.

Feeling such a turmoil coming from him now was enough to raise the alarms in Obi-Wan's mind. Was there something they had missed? Was he here to deliver bad news to them, extending a small courtesy by coming and telling them himself, instead of letting them be summoned in front of the entire Senate again?

"Oh, I'm here on a more personal matter", Organa said. Then he turned away from Obi-Wan to look at Anakin instead.

All the politeness that had been left on his expression disappeared immediately, leaving behind just an empty gesture. No, not quite, Obi-Wan realised. It was a mask.

Obi-Wan was even more worried now of what he was about to say.

"Evening, General Skywalker", Organa said. "I heard that all the charges they were considering on giving Padawan Tano were dropped. Congratulations."

Anakin seemed to realise that something was going on as well. He stood more guarded now, his own smile long gone.

"Thank you", he said still. He was testing where the situation was heading.

The smile on Organa's face sharpened. The mask was starting to crack.

Obi-Wan had a bad feeling about all of this.

"The situation must've been difficult to you", Organa continued. "I can only imagine how it feels like, to have the power of the Force on your side, but then be stopped by a single panel of security glass. Though, as I have seen the feats the Force can do, it wouldn't have been able to stop you, wouldn't it?"

Anakin frowned.

"I don't understand what-" He started, but stopped when Organa suddenly stepped closer. Anakin was tall, but Organa was even taller, and had broadness to him that Anakin's body had not yet begun to fill.

The smile was gone, now. The mask had dropped.

"It was fortunate that there were others present, wasn't it?" He asked Anakin, his voice low. If it had been anyone else, Obi-Wan would've seen him as a danger. "I'm just wondering, what would've happened, if it had been just you and Commander Fox there, with the piece of glass between you two? Tell me. Would you have stopped yourself?"

Anakin's face was a mixture of multitude of things. Anger. Confusion. His presence in the Force was swirling with all of them as well.

Bail Organa had only one feeling on him at that moment. Tightly controlled, cold fury.

Obi-Wan had to step in.

"What is going on?" He asked, both of them, really.

Anakin opened his mouth, but Organa was quicker to answer.

"General Skywalker demanded to be let in to where Padawan Tano was kept after her arrest", he explained. "Commander Fox of the Coruscant Guard had to inform him that due to the nature of the suspected crime, the case was transferred over from the Jedi, by the orders of Admiral Tarkin. Who, if I may add, holds excecutive power over the Guard, instead of the Jedi. General Skywalker decided that this didn't matter. According to multiple witnesses, he turned rather aggressive towards Commander Fox."

Anakin bristled.

"I didn't even touch him!" He argued, his voice rising.

Organa wasn't phased at all by this.

"You had to be escorted out by armed Guards", he said, his voice still just as level. "Now, I think it's better you listen carefully, because I am not going to be telling this to you again in the future."

He leaned down, his mouth right at the level of Anakin's ear now.

"If I ever hear that you have even raised your voice at Commander Fox, or any of the Coruscant Guard, I can assure you, you will find that there will be consequences", he said. "Am I being clear? Stay away from him."

Obi-Wan looked at Anakin. Anakin was still scowling, but there was something else making its way onto his face as well. Dread.

"Are we clear?" Organa asked. "I'm sure there are a lot of people who see this all as a much graver mistake than you do. I'm also sure they would be interested in the other unconventional matters you have engaged in."

Anakin opened his mouth, but nothing came out, so he snapped it shut just as quick.

"Are we clear?" Organa asked, once more.

"Yes", Anakin spat out. "We are clear."

"Good. I'm glad that we could arrive to an agreement", Organa said, sounding just like all the politicians Obi-Wan had heard in his life sounding like when they had just done business. He straightened his back, and stepped away from Anakin, and turned to look at Obi-Wan once again. "I'm sorry for bothering you, Master Kenobi."

"What was all of tha about, Senator?" Obi-Wan asked. "I'm afraid I don't understand why you are taking it upon yourself to interrogate Anakin on the behalf the Guard?"

Not that he was at all pleased with what he had just heard, nor did he have to wonder what other matters Organa was talking about. There just seemed to be a rather large hole in the story, that Obi-Wan was not able to fill out. Neither could Anakin, it seemed, as the confusion Obi-Wan had felt on him at the start of the conversation still lingered, strong as ever.

Organa leveled Obi-Wan a look.

"We all have people who we love, and who we wish to protect from all harm", he said. "Any harm. On that, I think General Skywalker and I can both readily agree upon. It is most disheartening, when the harm comes from the one place that is supposed to be safe, on top of everything else."

He glanced at Anakin.

"I think we can all also agree on that the Chancellor does not need to hear about this", he said. "I imagine General Skywalker already wishes to go tell all about this to his good friend, in order to have all of his actions rationalised, no matter how hurtful they are."

He nodded his head.

"Have a good rest of your evening", Organa said, and then turned around and walked away, with his head held high and without turning to look back once.

Obi-Wan watched him go for a while, before he turned towards Anakin. Anakin, who was now all but ready to boil under the surface. There was one more feeling Obi-Wan could feel on him now, though. Fear.

Obi-Wan sighed, and reached his hand.

"Anakin-" Anakin sneered, and stepped away.

"I'm going to talk to Ahsoka and Rex", he said, and marched away across the plaza before Obi-Wan could say anything more.

Obi-Wan sighed again.

It seemed like there was so much more they needed to talk about than he had realised.

[bridgertonbabe]

Signing off.

I never really thought I'd ever write a post like this and to be perfectly honest I feel a bit cringe for even making a thing out of this but I felt it necessary to address those of you who follow me and my writings.

In the last month I have been suffering severely from anxiety, waking up to what feels like a ball of dread clutching at my heart and being unable to shift it for the better part of the day. It's all come to a head as of late because I've reached a crossroads in my life where I've realised just how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. Truth to be told I really don't have any aspect in my life that I am happy with and for years I've dismissed myself and my own desires for the sake of others to the point where I have no self worth, no self confidence, and I just feel like a shell of a person. Realising that I can't go on like this, that I can't live the life I aspire to without sorting my mental health out, I've taken the first steps in getting counselling and in going to the doctors to be put on anti-depressants.

While I'm already starting to feel better, I've decided it's in my best interests to take some other steps going ahead; which is I'm logging off this account.

Don't get me wrong, this account has brought me fulfillment in the last two and a half years and I've had so much fun interacting with so many of you but as of late I've become very disengaged with Bridgerton. It's one of several of my hyperfixations which I have become anxious with in the last few weeks, in part because they are what I used to immerse myself in as a means to distract myself from a dissatisfying existence, but now I've decided to make a change in my life for the better, everything that I once used to bury my head in the sand has now essentially given me the ick. Bridgerton is just now one of several things that I feel the need to distance myself from in order to fully focus and concentrate on bettering my mental health as well as getting what I want out of life.

As much as I've taken pride in writing because of Bridgerton, my dream has always to one day publish a book of my own and I need to refocus my energies on writing my own original stories to have the chance of maybe being able to make that dream a reality. I would have so dearly loved to have been able to complete a whole host of WIPs (would have also loved to have been able to just focus on one story at a time but c'est la vie) and I can only apologise to anyone who's been hoping for an update from any of them.

You will still be able to read all of my works on AO3 (plus I've restored a couple I had previously hidden from view), and I won't be deleting this tumblr so all of my drabbles and various posts will still be here for you to browse and read at your leisure.

Though I'm stepping away from this account, I don't necessarily know if this will be forever. I might well end up in a better place mentally at some point and return with a healthier state of mind where I can enjoy Bridgerton again, and I would never rule out contributing writings again - however as it stands, I don't want to promise anything and taking care of my mental health is my main priority for now and the foreseeable future.

I also just wanted to take the opportunity to thank every single person who has ever liked, reblogged, and interacted with me since I joined. I had never previously shared any of my creative writing online and thought it would be nice if even a single person somewhere vaguely liked anything I had to share - but over the last two and a half years I've been given such a boost from the amount of people who have reached out and commented on any one of my silly writings. I don't think you'll ever understand just how much it has meant to me and the love and appreciation will stay with me forever.

That about does it, so thank you all for everything. I wish you all a lifetime of health and happiness.

Signing off,

Shinnie

xxx

[lostinforestbound]

I can't control myself so here's more Dark!Rolan based off of @slumpsnail's lovely art!! Please check them out if you haven't already!

From Ambition to Insanity

CW: Allusion to Psychosis, Auditory, Presence, and Tactile Hallucination

A greedy, pathetic, weak master is what Lorroakan was.

All of this knowledge collected in this tower could make a student of the arcane arts transcend the stars. Yet there was Lorroakan, who was so obsessed with a relic called the "Nightsong". What was so important about it, he will never know, and it does not matter. Everything here can be so powerful, and if used right can make him the greatest wizard in all the realms.

And it was all his. He will not fall into the footsteps of his master. He will be better.

He already used the knowledge he found to make the animated armors in Sorcerous Sundries more fluid. Faster. Stronger. They are more efficient than ever, and now he doesn't have to bother going down to that shop, where he was forced to work the front desk, bruises on full display. He will never face that humiliation again.

Lorroakan's projection still mans the front desk, cheery and happy to help the many people in the lower city with their magical purchases. A master of the tower, now nothing but a desk boy. He hopes it makes his former teacher roll in his nonexistent grave.

Locked in his tower, Rolan has been studying anything and everything. He doesn't know when the last time he ate was, or even slept. But ambition is taxing, he knows that all too well. By the time he is done, he will master every school of magic within his capabilities.

Papers are strewn about everywhere on the walls and floor, deep into his current study of Wall of Force. In his head, everything is organized and where it should be. Outside of it, however, is a chaotic scene of unfinished thoughts.

The spell is failing, and he doesn't understand why. Is he too inexperienced, still?

"You look tired, Rolan." Not-Cal states (or is it Lia? Their voices are jumbled) and he feels ghost of a hand on his shoulder.

He smacks away at nothing. "I am busy."

"You were always busy with these spells. Why did you love your studies more than us?" Not-Lia hisses.

I loved you both so much "Be quiet. You're dead." He spits.

In the corners of his tired eyes, he swears the shadows move. The light of his candle burned out long ago, and all he had was his dark vision and the moonlight- Be quiet.

The shadows reach to grab him, to drown him, like they almost did in the Shadow-Cursed Lands. He suddenly gasps out when he feels hands choke him, and he scratches at his neck only to realize nothing is there.

He's losing his mind.

"You need to sleep, sweet pea." A kinder voice whispers. His mother- no, their mother. Cal said he was family, but...

Her voice is sickly sweet in his ears, and he bristles. Whether it's from anger or fear, that is up for debate.

"Rolan-"

He snatches one of his wayward books and throws it towards the nonexistent figure, and it crashes into one of the now-empty glass display cases. Shards of it scatter across the floor, and after it calms, it's dead silent. For now.

A laugh bubbles up in his throat as he runs his hands down his face, eyes wide and teary. He's going insane, but that is the price of his ambition. He will become something great.

The urge to scream and cry rises every painful day, his nightmares bleeding into his reality. Dropping onto his knees once more, he stares at the glass shards that reflect his scarred face back at him. He subconsciously reaches for one.

Dark eye bags, scars from past beatings, disheveled hair, chapped lips-

He hisses suddenly, pulling his hand back into himself as blood gushes out of his palm. Grabbing it was a terrible idea, what was he thinking?

Then again, it's confirmation that he's still alive.

Part of him thought he died back where the Shadow Curse resided. Though, a part of his soul did when he saw Cal and Lia torn apart by undead-

"Why did you abandon their bodies?"

"Sod off." He says to no one, grinding his teeth as he watches the blood pour. It hurts. His head hurts. Everything hurts. It's so fucking lonely here he needs a healing potion, but it's too late to go get one-

That's when he looks up and sees the sun rising. He pulled an all-nighter again.

He's not nearly done with his work.

As he confirmed that sleep was a waste of time (the nightmares wouldn't stop) he reaches for one of his various Angelic Slumber potions. He'll need to buy more, but for now, there's plenty. Lorroakan was quite the dragon, hoarding all of them in this section of the tower. Or was it Ramazith? He'll never know.

For at least 12 seconds, he's at peace in a dreamless slumber.

Then he starts all over again.

[cyberleathalz]

Change

CHARACTERS: 2010 Tom & f!reader

CONTENT: ANGST + FLUFF + SMUT

WARNINGS: yelling, metions of ass slapping and hair pulling, that's it I think

A/N: i had many feelings writing this also this one's kinda short and I'm mad

--------------------------------------------------------

You were never the one to try new things. You liked the things you did and never wanted to try new things. You just wanted to sleep, watch TV, and eat. That's it. While Tom on the other, was the exact opposite. Tom always loved to try new things. Go on walks, work out, and be productive.

One day, you were sat on Tom's lap, trying to learn how to play the guitar. His hand was over yours, guiding it to where it needed to. He was teaching you the C chord.

"Come on, darling. You gotta try." He said, his tone having a bit of impatience in it. You groaned, reluctantly learning.

"Ugh Tom, I don't wanna learn." You said, your hands dropping to your sides.

Tom was on hanging on by a thread. His patience wearing thin but he pushed through for you because he loved you.

After a few hours of trying, you never picked up on it and was being lazy overall. Tom was done with you and your attitude. He threw the guitar on the couch and stood up abruptly, causing you to almost to fall on the floor and hit your head on the table.

"I'm done. I'm done! You don't wanna learn? Then, don't. Fucking. Learn." He said, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. You immediately felt bad. He just wanted you to learn guitar.

"I've had it up to here with you. You are the most fucking lazy girl I've ever met. You never wanna do anything, you never wannabe try something new. It's so fucking annoying!" He raised his voice, the irritation clear in his voice. You felt a stinging sensation happen behind your eyes.

"I don't know how I survived so long with you. I am tired of your goddamn whining. I've been trying to seem like I care but I don't know if I do anymore." He was going on on but all you could think about was, is he going to leave?

"I-I'm sorry.." You said, tasting the saltiness of your tears on your tongue. He kept yelling at you as if he didn't hear your apology. Your eyes stung, your lungs hurt, your body was shaking. The thought of him leaving kept running through your head. You didn't want him to leave.

"I'm gonna go take a walk. I need air." He muttered, slamming the door on his way out.

You just sat, still shocked at what happened. You look over to the guitar and gently picked it up with shaky hand. You pressed your fingers on the strings and started gently strumming.

--------------------------------------------------------

After about an hour, he came back. He heard the sound of guitar playing and his eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. He followed the sound to find that it's coming from y'alls room.

He slowly opened the door to find you on the bed, softly playing the guitar. His face softened watching you. Did you really learn for him?

He slowly walked in front of you watching you play. It only took you a few minutes before realizing he was standing in front of you.

"Oh! I-I'm so sorr-" He cut you off with a kiss, his hands cupping your face. It caught you off guard but you slowly kissed him back, your arms going around his neck.

His hands moved from your face to your waist, lifting you up slowly onto his lap. He broke the kiss, his soft brown eyes looking into yours.

"Look, I'm sorry for yelling. I-I.. I just wish you could try new things. But, I understand that you like things just the way they are." He said, guilty of making you cry. He gently wiped away your tears, his thumbs rubbing over your soft cheeks.

"It's okay. I forgive you." You said, looking up at him. He smiled, leaning down and kissing you again, this time a little bit more passionate.

As you guys kissed, his hand slipped under your shirt drifting up towards your bra. Once he unclipped it, he took it off and tossed it on threw it on the floor. He pushed you back on the bed gently, straddling you in the process. His lips never left yours.

He took your bottom lip in between his teeth and tugged. You let out a soft whimper. He took off his shirt, taking yours off soon after. He flipped you over on your stomach, lifting your hips up. You buried your face into the pillow, muffling your moans. Your blood was pounding in your ears but you could still hear the faint rip of foil. You didn't even have a chance to breathe before he entered you with a sharp thrust. You let a cry of pleasure, tears stinging your eyes.

"Holy shit.. Goddamn you're tight.." He groaned, adjusting to your tightness. You bit your lip, stifling the moans that threatened to release. No matter how many times you guys would do this, you would never be able to adjust to his size.

After a few minutes, he found a good rhythm. The sound of his grunts and your moans filled the air. Now, this wasn't just love making. No. This was pure, rough, fucking. He didn't hold back, he slapped your ass until it matched a fucking strawberry. He pulled and pulled on your hair until you met his gaze, which was filled lust.

He released your hair as you buried your face in the pillow. You saw white as your orgasm washed over you, crying out in the process. He slowly pulled out of you, leaving you a limp on the bed. He got rid of the condom and cleaned himself up before laying next to you on the bed, pulling you onto his chest.

He rubbed your back as you talked about something random until your voice slowly drifted off as you started falling asleep. Tom noticed this and thought it was adorable. Once you fully were asleep, he kissed your forehead and tucked you in.

He wrapped his arms around you and slowly drifted off to sleep well a faint smile on his lips.

--------------------------------------------------------

[carlos-in-glasses]

The Notorious C-I-G

💌 🍄 📚 🏜️ 🐝 (you don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want, I already know it’s me 🤭)

Lemon...right?

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?

Darn you for making me look! 248!

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Answered this one here and here but here is another: After Andrea met TK and really started opening up her heart and mind to Carlos being gay and in love with another man, she began seeking out queer art, books, shows, so she could learn more about the community her son is a part of. Carlos recommends and lends her things! I touch on this in my fic Wrestling Angels.

📚 ⇢ what’s the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?

I didn't have to say anything. He knew I was shaking.

🏜️ ⇢ what’s your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I love it when an aspect or overall theme leads a reader to discuss something and it gets a bit more personal and chatty. Fire Island and Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines led to comments in which people shared their memories and feelings about the AIDS crisis and about 9/11 respectively. I guess it makes it seem like the fic has a bit more 'social impact' in a way. It's quite amazing when that happens.

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

Haha @lemonlyman-dotcom... right? You have been so supportive and friendly from the beginning - the beginning being pre-tumblr when you were leaving such lovely comments on my fics. When I saw you'd set up your tumblr I was so happy to be able to interact with you on here too. And now look!

And @thisbuildinghasfeelings - you were one of the first people I spoke to on here and your kindness and enthusiasm not just towards my writing is just incredible and I feel very lucky you're here.

@heartstringsduet your comment on Afterglow of a Supernova basically changed my life in that it made me instantly more confident in my writing, like it represented a turning point in how I felt about it, and you've always been in my corner. And you've made art for my fics???!!!

@goodways you have been so lovely about my fics I feel like I can never thank you enough and your comments always make me laugh and make me think. Your feedback always means the world to me.

@herefortarlos your enthusiasm for my fics, all fics and this fandom is a thing of beauty and so inspiring.

@welcometololaland you were one of the first people to ever tag me in anything and I remember it vividly because I couldn't believe it haha. Your comments are always so hilarious and make me feel like I've done something right, and without you I wouldn't have written I Was Thinking About Your Mouth, so I am forever grateful for that and for you being such a good sounding board when I complain about work!

@cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut mate, you are divine and the fact that you spend any time beta'ing my fics when they are still kinda hot messes is wild to me. Thank you as well for your kindness and generosity!

@im-overstimulated-and-im-sad you are a delight and your comments are like a balm to my soul!

@reyesstrand Also from really early on you were leaving such encouraging comments on my fics and including me in WIP tags and things and I'm so grateful and forever awestruck.

@paperstorm I always cherish in particular how incredible you were about Fire Island (and When Soulmates Swim recently!), and how you helped so much in my hour of need when the whole scary situation around Afterglow of a Supernova happened. Thank you!

There are other people too of course but I worry I'm banging on a bit too much like I'm at the Oscars and the music is going to play over me talking so I just want to wrap up by saying thank you to everyone who has read my fics and commented and left kudos - I've said it before and I'll say it again, it really does blow me away that you're giving your precious free time to my stories in that way.

[ballad-of-birdy-lamb]

Hi!! I’ve just discovered your blog, could I request Ted x female!Reader, maybe general romantic headcanons? Tyyy 😊 (I’m so insane for this man, so happy to find another ihnmaims writer on here aaaa)

I need you to run to me, run to me, lover.

Ted (IHNMAIMS) x Female! Reader romantic headcanons Summary: Romantic headcanons of Ted and female! Reader Warnings: talk of outdated ideas (just feminine ideas but nothing extreme), basic IHNMAIMS violence (references to AM's torture, possessiveness on Ted's end. Word count:874 (pretty sort sadly) ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

Any feminine presence outside Ellen isn’t common in the group, so you being a part of the group and staying with Ted is what he takes pride in. He’s got a lovely lady he gets to kiss and keep for himself that treats him well. He’s never been more grateful for someone in his life since you said you reciprocate his feelings.

The group also sees your love as a benefit, Ted shuts the fuck up more often now that you’re on his arm. He doesn’t go on as many rants about his hatred for all of them since you just kiss him, and he gets quiet from embarrassment.

Ted would view you as an angel if you’re a lot kinder than he is, not only because of his insanely religious ideas, but because that’s what AM will try pushing in his mind. It’s more likely because the AI wants to see if you’ll lose feelings for Ted if he’s beyond clingy.

Religious ideas definitely have an effect on him, especially with AM fucking him over. The religious ideas would be so much worse in the relationship, the idea you’re an angel would become worse. Worshiper ideals. But that worship from him to you won’t fly with the AI, if anything, it’ll cause him to be more inclined to hurt you.

Speaking of clingy, it’s to an insane extent. Ted is always sleeping next to you or in your arms, holding your hand on the journey for the canned peaches, and sobbing in your arms when he sees fit for a good cry. Ted isn’t extremely pleased at the idea either, usually trying to push away before that lost dog mindset sets in. Open your arms and he’ll go back eventually. You make him so soft! How cruel you are!

Unironically, it’s a “us against the world” sort of thing for Ted, and he’s right to an extent. AM is against you, the others don’t care (meaning for Ted: they want to take you away), and he believes it. If anything, it won’t make him better with relationships, he’ll be insecure and he’ll say you’re trying to leave him too. It’ll cause him to hold you a little closer at night.

He’s gone so long without real romantic love to the extent he is so desperate for nice lady touch. As much as he denies it, he’s desperate for a feminine presence (which plays into his lost dog habit of following you). Ted will also keep you very close.

When Ted is tortured, he’ll go crawling to you again. Not only because he genuinely wants you to take care of him but because you’re so soft. He knows for a fact you’ll help him, going into your arms will be met with kisses and soft touches, a great contrast from the usual treatment from AM.

As little as his family life affects him under AM’s hold, he’ll be a husband for you. Ted will do things for you a husband would: being soft to you, saying nice things (when he isn’t having bouts of anxiety), and pulling you along when AM gives him delusions again. Don’t worry though, he’ll hold you real tight just so you feel better.

If you’re a lot more feminine, he’ll view you as needing protection (what do you expect he grew up in the 50’s/60’s). Ted will keep you in the center of the group with Ellen, keeping you close but not close enough for discomfort.

If you ever find a way to get something as minute as makeup, give him kisses with lipstick on, he likes knowing you left a mark. Not only to taunt the others about having a lover, but also to know you like kissing him.

Calls you his wife so the others know you’re his. It’s met with laughter and taunts from AM since he thinks marriage is an entire joke in the first place and will mock you with it. “You must be such a pretty wife to Ted if he goes out of his way to say such nice things about you,” AM would muse. Of course, Ted didn’t take it too seriously, he knew AM said that sort of stuff whenever he felt fit.

“You’ll stay my wife forever, right?” Ted muttered; the rest of the group having gone off to sleep. You sat against one of the deckplates, holding his head against your chest. His grasp on your body got tighter, making you slightly uncomfortable but you knew it wasn’t his fault for all of his worries.

“Of course,” you nod, brushing his hair from his face to kiss his forehead. 

On the journey for the canned peaches, he’ll mutter about how sweet it will be. He’ll feed you the peaches and get to see you smile a bunch, not just because he kissed you, but from genuine happiness. He’ll start thinking of ways he could turn it slightly romantic, hoping his anxieties don’t get the best of him and he tries running off with you, coming back just to find the peaches eaten up.

At the end of the day, Ted is anxiety filled and knowing you’re there to hold his hand helps just a little bit more.

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

My IHNMAIMS masterlist

My request list

[orbmanson7]

Will Logan Ever Be Happy?

An Extensive Analysis of Logan Sanders' Spotify Playlist and Predictions for the Future of His Character Arc

Logan's Playlist on Spotify

Logan's Playlist on YouTube Music

A few quick notes before we delve in…

This is an extensive analysis in the sense that it's currently around 16,930 words long. Please feel free to read it at your own leisure.

The description of Logan's Playlist on Spotify explicitly states to listen to these songs in order of their listing. This indicates a progression of sorts – of feelings, events, and the plot of the story being told here. It is important that we listen in order, and it seems like Logan would prefer us to listen this way to best understand what it is he is trying to convey.

The repeated themes found throughout many of these songs include: isolation, depression, regret, nostalgia, perfectionism, miscommunication, being the odd one out of a group, recognition of flaws, loss of control, being disliked, a love and familiarity for learning, and finding solutions to problems.

It should also be noted that a handful of these songs are told in second-person perspective, using “you” to indicate a main subject, as though the story is being told by the speaker about someone else’s actions to that someone else, rather than explaining anything outright about themself or how they feel about it. By doing this, the speaker is instead choosing to focus on others and only allowing the listener to sense and interpret how the speaker was affected by what the other party in the song had said or done. This by itself can easily indicate Logan’s insistence to let others take that stage, even when it’s his turn to tell his story, or to show off the faults of others in lieu of focusing on his own failings.

It may be important to remember that as we continue.

The Elements by Tom Lehrer is a simple starter song, as we know. Logan began as a friendly teacher character, someone to help guide Thomas through learning and encouraging curiosity and wonder within him. He helped Thomas to find solutions to problems with the most useful answers, and implored him to keep trying, keep researching, until he truly understood a topic. This was something good, something commendable.

In particular, this song involves a listing of the complete periodic table of elements, something that Logan, as Thomas’ Logic, likely would have to have known very well, considering the focus of Thomas’ major in college. This would have been information Logan used frequently in Thomas’ studies and schoolwork prior to the events of the series, which helps to signify this early interpretation of Logan’s character.

This is the early beginnings. It’s a solid starting point, telling us what we need to know about Thomas’ perception of who he believes Logan is meant to be.

Immediately after, we have White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic, which, similar to the first song, is meant to give us a sense of Logan’s character. Thomas sees him as a helpful teacher, but he also sees him as a very nerdy, reserved, uptight, and pretentious kind of person who likes learning trivia and reading mystery novels and watching sci-fi shows and doing puzzles and making wordplay jokes. This fleshes Logan out more as a character, not just showing us who Thomas sees but giving us more perspective on what to expect from him.

[lyrics:

I wanna roll with the gangsters

But so far, they all think I’m too white and nerdy]

Early on in the series, the sides only appeared momentarily to help offer suggestions and advice to Thomas relevant to what he needed. There seemed to be less cohesion with the group, mainly due to a lack of narrative at the time, but the sides still appeared to work together so long as each stayed in their respective areas of expertise. Despite that, lyrics in this song seem to imply Logan had already seen himself as an outlier to the rest of Thomas’ sides. He recognized that this came at fault of the interpretation of his character, the personality he displayed, his mannerisms, even his interests.

From the very start, Logan was being viewed as something different and distinct in comparison to the other sides.

These first two songs are meant to be reminiscent of not only our first impressions of Logan’s character, but also of Thomas’ overall impression of him early on in the series.

Within the first few episodes, this is how Logan was interpreted and seen, as a nerdy but supportive teacher-like character. Based on Thomas’ vine character of the same attire, Logan was originally meant to be respected but relatable, someone who could understand the kids he was teaching, but was also full of incredibly useful knowledge and knew exactly how to convey that information in a way that would encourage and enlighten those around him.

As one of Thomas’ sides, however, he was minimized to only being Thomas’ Logic, someone who still had an incredible wealth of knowledge and used it to teach and guide Thomas specifically, but he was also someone who was meant to be more stereotypically “nerdy” by Thomas’ standards. He was still able to act as an instructor to Thomas and to the audience watching, but his status of authority was diminished, because now he was no longer a teacher, he was merely another part of Thomas.

This is where Algorhthym by Childish Gambino comes into play. This song indicates a recognition of the world and how it functions, but also a fear to do anything about it, to step out of line. This lends to Logan’s perfectionism, yes, but it also shows that Logan is highly aware of his position as Thomas’ Logic, and what is expected of him. He knows very well that he does not perfectly fit the mold that Thomas has made for him to fill.

Early in the song, there are mentions of misunderstanding directions and testing the waters in objectionable ways.

[lyrics:

Made us the guinea pig and did it with no permission

Told her to call a friend, didn’t tell her to listen

So very scary, so binary, zero or one

Like code is like coal mine canary]

Being put in a position without a choice in the matter, Logan is very aware that he has a big role to fulfill. He’s being depended on to do his job right. But there has, at no point, been any guidance for him to follow. It’s not as though there’s a training manual out there on how to be Thomas Sanders’ Logic, which means Logan can only attempt to figure it out as he goes along.

Now, this is no different from the other sides, as they all lack any kind of instruction on how to do their jobs, either. They all just have to make mistakes and learn from them to improve and get better with time. And, typically, this should be a good thing, but in Logan’s particular case, his job requires him to be relied upon as the one with the answers and solutions, so if he’s seen as someone who makes mistakes, that ruins his ability to be trusted to give those answers in the first place.

Making mistakes would contradict his purpose as Thomas’ Logic, but if he didn’t make mistakes, he couldn’t learn from them and get better like the rest of them. However, it’s inevitable that he will make mistakes because he has no idea how to do this job because he didn’t have any training involved before he started. But if he makes mistakes, he could lose that job, or the job itself could become misconstrued or defunct due to his failures. It’s an unpleasant and repeated cycle with no clear end.

Logan aims for perfection, knowing the risk of failure is so high and comes with such consequence, but he still has hope that something might work out. He also doesn’t seem to have much of a choice otherwise.

But he's already beginning to loop back around in circles over this, even so early on into the series, and this leads him to questioning why the world works this way. Just why does it contradict itself so much?

[lyrics:

I dream in color, not black and white]

He already realizes that he is seeing everything in a different way than Thomas and the other sides do. The world is so much bigger than the arbitrary parameters that are being set for it. Understanding and learning may need rigid guidelines to teach a beginner, to not overwhelm them, but once you know the basics, you can take those training wheels off and start exploring just about anywhere. If you want to try more adventurous feats, you’ll need better gear, more specified knowledge, but it’s not as though you are barred from entry. There is always more to learn, you simply have to go looking for it.

But the world somehow seems to think that’s not the case. Many believe that you either know something or you don’t, or that things can only be either one way or another, with no nuance involved. Instead of understanding all the shades of gray and color in between every moment, every idea, that there’s fluidity and the ability to shift and change at almost every turn, they choose to rely on what they’ve already learned and refuse to challenge it, even when the opportunity arises to do so. The world has so much more to offer than the black-and-white to which people often cling.

There’s so much space in between every atom, infinite amounts of empty air, that which we can barely comprehend, yet we see an object, a person, or any full form as completely solid, contradicting what we expect. We may say a penguin cannot fly, and yet you could put one as a passenger on an airplane and that could be considered flying. It has just done what was thought impossible. It is all about our perspective and the rules we set in place for our world that limits what we believe we know and understand, but that doesn’t mean that’s how the world actually works.

Unfortunately, changing someone’s mind can be very difficult, especially when you’re the one who contributed to them learning those basics to help them conceptualize the topic in the first place. It can be very hard to teach someone that knowledge is genuinely limitless, especially when they have found less use for it as time goes on and no longer have a desire to keep learning.

The song then indicates that the way a human behaves doesn’t always make logical sense, but that they value their life and experiences.

[lyrics:

Humans don’t understand, humans will sell a lie

Humans gotta survive, we know we gon’ die

Nothing can live forever, you know we gon’ try

Life, is it really worth it? The algorhythm is perfect, mmh]

Logan can comprehend this notion, even if he doesn’t quite understand and see the world in the same way as Thomas does; even if he believes some of his actions are illogical, he knows Thomas’ ability to live his life to the fullest is something memorable. He can recognize its importance overall, even if he doesn’t fully agree with how it’s done.

Logan likely comes to realize by this point, even so early on, that compromise is the best option here, just as we saw in the episode The Mind vs The Heart. Even if he doesn’t see things in the same way as others, he can still meet someone halfway, and hope that they can meet him halfway in return.

However, nothing is ever that easy, it seems. Just because he’s willing to step back and take another’s perspective into account does not mean others will do the same for him.

This more or less encapsulates the rest of the song from his perspective. He learns to stop challenging that which doesn’t want to be challenged, attempts to follow what is expected of him, even if what is expected of him is a perfection that he is unsure can even be achieved. He has to compromise some of these details and nuances so that the world can still run on its bizarre rules, for Thomas’ sake, and this results in him having to step away from his goals to make way for the others’ instead, or even to be pushed away when his insistence to the contrary isn’t appreciated, like we saw in the episode Moving On Pt 1: Exploring Nostalgia.

He learned fairly well that day that sometimes emotions took priority over intelligence, and even if Logan didn’t fully comprehend the purpose they served in solving that dilemma, he was attempting to find a proper answer that would be of benefit to Thomas regardless. But what he learned instead was that his efforts were unwanted simply because he was viewing the situation from a very different perspective than the others were.

As such, he began to learn not to question these parameters that the world operates upon. He needs to do what he can Within those parameters to ensure Thomas’ survival and simply hope that he’ll thrive with knowledge (and Logan) as his guide.

And that is exactly why the next song is Fitter Happier by Radiohead. The whole song is a monotonous text-to-speech vocalization of varying guidelines one may expect for someone to appear as and/or be human. As the list goes on, the more inhuman the stipulations become, betraying the real purpose behind the list, that this is someone attempting to appear perfectly human while misunderstanding what that means entirely.

Again, Logan was never given a guide on how to do his job, so he had to just make it up as he went along and attempt to do it perfectly without any help or reassurance. From Logan’s perspective, he knows his goal is to make sure Thomas survives to live his happy life, but his expertise in helping Thomas achieve this relies on knowledge and facts, not emotions or empathy. This results in Logan’s attempts coming off as unempathetic, cold, and strict, not to mention completely missing the point of living.

But because he is doing this solo, and because he has awareness of the consequences of failure, he is aiming for perfection and doing his best with what resources he does have – which happens to be his own intelligence and what he can learn through research. Unfortunately, when it comes to life and living, Logan’s limited only to the facts, and his primary focus is Thomas’ survival, nothing more.

[lyrics:

Not drinking too much

Regular exercise at the gym, three days a week

Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries

At ease

Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats

A patient, better driver]

This is why some of the lyrics list guidelines such as “regular exercise at the gym” or “eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats.” These are the types of recommendations you would hear from a doctor or nutritionist, examples of efforts that may result in longer life. If someone only cared about extending their life or living healthily, these would be excellent suggestions. But when they are devoid of any emotion, removed from relationships with family and friends, absent of aspirations and goals for someone to enjoy said life, the suggestions instead become robotic and inhuman. Yes, you can live longer by following these steps, but you may not enjoy the extra time you are given to do so if you only follow these suggestions and nothing more.

This is something that was discussed during the Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? episode, where Logan asserts that creating a balance of daily tasks to maintain his wellbeing will allow Thomas to live a long life. Roman argues that if Thomas spends all his time taking care of himself, it doesn’t give him enough time to pursue his dreams and he insists that he must instead take risks and give priority to his aspirations. In the end, Thomas found his motivation in a balance of both of these recommendations, that he should maintain his health while also taking the chance to achieve his goals.

While a human genuinely needs that balance, to have both sides of this argument included to find true motivation to keep going, these individual sides within Thomas are always likely to see their own mindset and opinion on the matter as the priority, as the “right” way to do things. This is exemplified by Patton’s addition during the end credits scene, where he offers his opinion on the topic about having the opportunity to add positivity to the world. His belief is only an addition to the discussion and wouldn’t detract from Logan and Roman’s suggestions, but it shows that each of Thomas’ sides have their own views on what the real answer is meant to be and that they do not agree on this notion, even if they do see eye-to-eye at times or are willing to work together for Thomas’ sake.

This song is likely meant to remind us of that episode specifically, and what Logan’s opinions on the matter were at that time, indicating his goal is for Thomas to maintain a balanced and healthy lifestyle so that he has the ability to survive and live a long life. It shows us that without the others, there is a lack of balance, but it also shows that Logan is striving for perfection, with special regard to Thomas’ needs, not necessarily his wants or desires. After all, that’s Roman’s department, right?

And this is a big factor in why the sides don’t often get along with each other. They each have their own idea of what is actually best for Thomas, and when it comes to Logan, he has an easier time arguing his points because he has all the data to back him up. This doesn’t keep the others from fighting against him, nor does it keep Thomas from taking the others’ side anyway on many occasions, but it’s still something he can rely on when everyone else is against him.

But even if he cares about Thomas’ survival most, is what he’s proposing truly the “right” way to go about it?

If he learned anything from Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?, the ending of this song may indicate he recognizes that Thomas may well live a long life with his suggestions, but would not necessarily be happy in that life, so perhaps perfection isn’t the right goal to have in mind.

Happiness, however, can be very subjective. For instance, happiness to Logan would likely involve the satisfaction of a job well done, or the opportunity to learn something new, so what would life for Thomas be if he couldn’t have that?

This is what leads us into the next song, Medicine by STRFKR, which continues the thoughts on perfectionism and the problems that arise from it. Perhaps due to the events associated with the last song, Logan has come to realize that the goal of being perfect is either truly unattainable or, as this song seems to suggest, prevents the desire to continue learning once reached. Logan, of course, would not want Thomas to have peaked when it comes to obtaining knowledge, as there will always be something you don’t know, there will always be something new to learn. If perfection removes a desire to know more, he wouldn’t be able to encourage Thomas to learn anything new, even something for his survival. As such, his goal of perfection is flawed.

However, this now completely conflicts with his earlier notions about his own aspirations of perfection, as he must be knowledgeable and helpful for Thomas, to provide him with what he needs without flaw, without failure. He must be perfect, but perfection is not possible. He must be perfect, but perfection begets disinterest and prevents further learning. So, perfection should not be his goal because it will be of overall detriment to Thomas.

His new goal needs to be something else, but he must still maintain something as close to perfection as possible, because Thomas’ perception of him cannot be altered. Thomas will still expect perfection of him, but he can never truly attain it because it’s both impossible and would ultimately remove his purpose to Thomas as Logic. Such a feat is even more difficult to achieve than perfection, so he’s very much stuck at this point and will need to figure out a new solution to this complicated problem.

[lyrics:

Sorry

So helpless

So help you

Any way you like]

When in doubt, Logan knows he can turn to one thing: Thomas’ preference on the matter. If Logan can’t decide on the best course of action, he will instead choose whatever it is that Thomas wants, as that is how he may obtain his happiness even when working with a less-than-perfect Logic.

After all, if perfection was not the true goal, then perhaps it was meant to be whatever Thomas wanted instead. Logan didn’t need to reach perfection, he just needed to reach Thomas’ expectations. The goalpost had moved, but it was still in sight, and now he’d just have to create a new strategy in order to find success, meaning it was time for some experimentation to his approach.

[lyrics:

(spoken behind music)

The following of them does not depend on believing in anything, in obeying anything, or on doing any specific rituals

Although rituals are included for certain purposes because it is a purely experimental approach to life]

Between the events of Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? and Learning New Things About Ourselves was a fun little promo episode known as Crofter's: The Musical, and while it may not seem all that relevant in the grand scheme of things, it’s important to remember the focus of the episode relied on Logan’s extraordinary adoration of Crofter's jam.

Given his love for the product, he was ecstatic at his opportunity to be recognized through that which he admired – by being featured on a specialized version of the product itself. It’s a high honor, it’s respectable, it’s cherished. This is a great moment for Logan, seeing a lot of his efforts come to fruition in an interesting and unique way.

However, it is soured by Roman’s bruised ego, as he prefers his spotlight and sees this one moment as Logan being viewed more favorably than him overall, and then it is further ruined by the mention of Logan’s wordplay and puns throughout the episode as him acting unusual, notably unserious. Logan becomes rather concerned during the end credits scene as the others point this out about him, and he realizes that he needs to maintain the status quo after all.

His experimentation in finding a balance, of what was acceptable and what was not, resulted in him understanding that he could not engage in sillier interests publicly so as not to alter the others’ perception of him and his purpose to Thomas or tarnish his reputation as a practical, reliable, knowledgeable side. He must continue to keep emotions removed from his position as Logic, even with perfection off the table as a motivating factor.

Now, before we move on to the next song, I want to re-establish whereabout in the timeline of the series we are by this point.

We had the early origins near the start with The Elements song and White and Nerdy, which likely took place somewhere within the first couple episodes that featured Logan. We dipped into Algorhythm, which likely took place around the time the actual plot and deeper characterization began appearing in the show, somewhere between The Mind vs The Heart and Moving On Pt 1 & 2. Then, Fitter Happier seems to strike some similar chords as the episode Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? from Logan’s perspective alone, meaning we’re fairly far into the series already. Medicine is somewhere around Crofters: The Musical, which means we are about to get to Learning New Things About Ourselves.

That was an episode that definitely served as a big turning point for Logan and how he readdressed his role as Thomas’ Logic and perceived how he was meant to fulfill his position.

This is also the point in the playlist where things seem to take a much darker and negative turn.

For now, we move on to the next song, which is The Watchtower by The Dø.

Now, @intrulogical has a great analysis of the meaning that may be associated with this song from Logan’s perspective, that Logan may overthink and prefer to hide away from others out of shame when he doesn’t perform adequately, that he recognizes his mistakes and has, on multiple occasions, offered to leave the discussion in order to benefit the others and Thomas. He has taken to suggesting his removal from the situation when he doesn’t seem to have the solution they need or when he has become emotional in times where he shouldn’t be, meaning that he has come to realize it may be a better option for him to leave, rather than stay and potentially make the situation worse.

We already know that he has come to understand perfection is not possible but must still maintain something akin to it, feeling shame when mistakes are inevitable. We know he experimented with his approach to no avail, where he learned he must remain emotionless and cold to be successful. The amount of stress from trying to meet expectations, maintain restrictions, and adapt himself for the others’ benefit is beginning to take its toll on him.

The Watchtower is a song that seems to suggest Logan’s methods are what make him a true outlier among the group, but the lyrics literally start out with “I’m breaking, I need another start” which would mean this is a reaction to his stressful situation, not an action Logan chose in advance.

But he is still prepared when reacting like this. He has weighed the options; he has taken past experiences into account. He has more knowledge now on how to be Thomas’ Logic in a way that fits Thomas’ expectations, and he is no longer blindly attempting to do his best without failure and is instead using what failures he’s already had to recontextualize his understanding and guide his next actions.

But he still needs to appear as flawless as he possibly can, for Thomas and the others, so that he still embodies his role as Logic, so that he can still be relied on and trusted to do his job. While he recognizes perfection is not possible, he will still get as close to it as he can.

While stress may be a factor, this may explain some of the true motivation behind his desire to hide away in these moments, or at least his belief that it would be easier to solve these dilemmas from farther away.

[lyrics:

From the watchtower

Where we can see things coming

Good or bad, at least we see things coming

From the watchtower

Where we can read the future

Whatever it says, at least we know what’s up]

Within these lyrics, we can see that this is a very divorced perspective to have, as though Logan prefers to solve issues from a distance, removed from the situation itself and able only to view it, not directly interact with the parties involved.

Using his influence on Thomas to solve the issue without being present in Moving On Pt 2 after he abruptly left in Moving On Pt 1, Logan has shown that he can be successful when he isn’t there to be talked over and insulted, be overwhelmed by everyone’s emotions and concerns, or have his own uncontrolled emotional outbursts. He can stay unbiased, practical, and clear-headed from a distance and achieve the best results.

This explains why he attempted to leave after his outburst in the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, because he had seen prior success in doing so.

However, it’s clear that there are some consequences to this approach.

[lyrics:

I don’t mind

if I’m impopular

I’m thinking

And no one in particular]

Another repeated notion throughout the series that Logan is now well aware of is that he is not very well liked. While this seems to stem from a combination of the expectations put on him and his stricter handling of the others’ more outlandish ideas, at this point, and the lyrics suggest he tries to make it seem as though it doesn’t bother him. But we know otherwise, because Logan does continue to attempt to garner favor from Thomas, the other sides, and the audience. It’s why he picked up the slang word flashcards, and it’s partly why he tries to use more relatable metaphors and analogies to explain complicated subjects. He does want to be liked, respected, and Heard, even if he claims otherwise.

His attempts to remove himself from the group to benefit Thomas and perform his duties from afar only seem to add to this dislike that’s been building for him. His absence prevents him from building and maintaining any relationship with the other sides (not that he was making much progress with that around that time in the series regardless). When he has his outburst in Learning New Things About Ourselves and tries to then leave the discussion entirely, he is quickly stopped by Patton who insists he stay instead. He would have preferred to leave, knowing he was more beneficial to Thomas if he was unemotional. Unfortunately, because he stays, he is unable to resolve the issue for Thomas like he had before, and instead spent the rest of the episode uncomfortable and unable to relate to the emotional concepts that were applied.

He comes away from that situation recognizing his own misunderstanding of the others’ actions in their attempts to help Thomas, but there is no solution found, only a slight improvement to Thomas’ mood about the discussion on the whole. And on Logan’s part, he was also left without a solution, resulting in him adding this as another failure to his list and believing that he will need to do more to better accommodate the other sides and Thomas’ emotions in order to achieve the best results.

[lyrics:

I’m breaking

I need another start

Far away from the city lights]

This follows the lyrics at the end of the song, repeating exactly how it started. Nothing was resolved here; Logan only sees his mistake and feels ashamed for it. He still wants to solve Thomas’ issues from a distance, but now he’s more aware of the emotional stakes that he hadn’t been implementing in his solutions before this point.

He has decided that he’ll do better, but he isn’t sure how to do that exactly, and he’s still hurting, but that’s left unacknowledged.

And Logan only comes to realize that the others are pulling away after this, as we see in Selfishness vs Selflessness, where he wasn't included in the courtroom scenario and pushed to the back and out of the way after the one moment where he could be helpful.

Logan can see that this is what Thomas and the others want for him, to stay out of their way, because he apparently can't understand them in the way they prefer. Never mind the fact that the inverse is true, too.

And that leads us to the next song, The Breach by clipping.. At a minimum, this song is very concerning, but also a helpful indicator as to what seems to be happening and possibly even why.

[lyrics:

Generally operating normally

A small anomaly has become evident

And probably should be noted]

In simple terms, something has changed, and likely not for the better. Something is different.

If we’re aware of the timeline of the story, this is sometime after the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, which means it's likely about Remus’ arrival in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts and how it signifies Thomas’ declining mental health.

Something specific that should be mentioned about this song first is its lyrics. They are read as a computer observing a situation, assessing the variables, and stating plainly the solution to be enacted by others. This is similar to what Logan was able to successfully do in Moving On Pt 2 and would have preferred to use as his approach in Learning New Things About Ourselves, which is to stay distant from the situation itself but address everything calmly and without emotional disruption.

However, the lyrics are also given in very quick succession, indicating a hastiness to the necessity of these instructions. This could mean that if the subject does not act swiftly, the results may not be optimal.

[lyrics:

First: the recommended course of action should be to

Administer a sedative to all the cargo via ventilation

The ship is fully capable of automating this

But requires an approval code from the administration]

As he learned in Learning New Things About Ourselves, Logan has to better accommodate the other sides’ emotions (as well as Thomas’) and their concerns on the matter in order to competently resolve the issue, so appearing and calmly explaining what needs to be done is the approach he chose. But that didn’t work out at first due to the same issues he’s been having this whole time, which is everyone’s reluctance to listen to him as well as their insistence on keeping him out of the group, especially while they are all so emotional themselves in that moment.

In order for this to work, he would need to convince Thomas and the others to trust him and to listen to what he had to say. In reality, Logan can only give them the advice they need here, he can’t actually fix it for them, hence the lyric, “but requires an approval code from the administration.” They can’t logic their way out of this but using logic can guide them away from the overly emotional response and provide the instructions needed to find that solution.

Logan applies the instructions from the song – administer a sedative? Calm the others back down. The importance of alacrity? Speak with confidence, stay positive. Send security immediately? Logan took charge of the situation at hand because no one else was handling it.

Logan keeps himself level-headed, refuses to show any emotional response (not to Remus, not to Virgil, not to Patton), and displays his worth as Thomas’ Logic to the best of his ability. And it works fairly well, as he manages to calm the other sides and Thomas down while also warding Remus off and tiring him out. It took longer than he probably expected, but he accomplished what he had set out to do.

Despite the end of the song sounding like an electric-powered warzone, the episode Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts had ended on a positive note for Logan, as he was praised by Thomas for being cool, with how he handled the situation so smoothly and didn’t let anything affect him. This marked a success for Logan, and he now knows that addressing situations with swift action, getting right to the point while also allowing for the other parties to vent their feelings on the matter, and staying composed and unemotional himself while addressing the problem was the best course of action, at least while Thomas was in this type of mindset and far more stressed than he had been in the past.

Perhaps he really has finally figured out how to be a proper Logic for Thomas after all.

Unfortunately, whatever elation he had in that episode doesn’t last long, as our next song, Letter C by Zach Sherwin, is all about being embarrassed by others and reflecting back on the situation later to think of something cleverer that could have been said in response.

As this is something he has dealt with a handful of times in the series as a whole, Logan wishing he could have thought up a better comeback to the others’ insults in the moment is not unheard of, and it could easily be inferred that he’s done this type of reflection on his own many times.

[lyrics:

And now it’ll linger forever but I’ve been stewin’ over

What I’d say to him if I could do it over]

The song lyrics mention how this situation lingers, that it’s something Logan thinks about repeatedly, even though we know there have been multiple moments like this. He remembers it for a long time, he thinks back on each one, wishing he could have done something more when he had the chance.

This is a moment more steeped in pride than obligation to his duty as Logic, however. While his desire to be viewed as clever and informed comes from the expectations of him as Thomas’ Logic, his desire to be respected as Better than the other sides in this particular way does not.

As was told in Learning New Things About Ourselves, it seems Logan habitually criticizes the others and becomes more standoffish in response to stress and a lack of order, as though the lack of control in a situation supercedes his judgement on how to behave among the other sides. In attempt to regain that control, he tries to place himself and his importance in the matter above others, which only causes additional problems.

In reality, all the sides should be balancing each other out, but the system currently in place is not balanced at all, and we often see sides like Logan further down the ranks than others on a regular basis. This can explain his desire to level it back out or rise even higher, to prove that he should be listened to and respected, and he could easily convince himself that his reason for this desire stems from his necessity to Thomas as opposed to any correlated feelings of shame or pride.

Thomas needs his logical side, someone to act as his voice of reason when the others are too emotional and rowdy, someone to provide unbiased facts instead of the others’ leaning opinions, someone that he can trust to always be in his corner and do what’s best for him every time. While the others turn Thomas’ gaze to the future or the past, Logan does everything he can to keep him steady in the present, so long as Thomas actually listens.

Logan had spent a lot of time to change and be better for Thomas, to meet and exceed his expectations. He adapted his thoughts, his methods, his temperament, all to best accommodate Thomas and his needs. So, it makes a lot of sense that he’d have a lot left unsaid after everything he has tolerated throughout the series. He wishes he could have the respect he believes he’s owed instead of continuing to endure insults left and right, but for now, he can only make up such scenarios where he comes out on top in his mind.

A moment of respite comes with what's next on the playlist, Galaxy Song from Monty Python (as sung by Stephen Hawking), which has a delightful message of enjoying the wonder found in our universe. There’s already so much to learn on our planet, but there’s endlessly more available to us out in the rest of the ever-expanding universe.

The song jabs at the inevitable stupidity of some people but chooses not to complain or find a way to be better than them. Instead, one should choose to refocus on something positive, to distract themself rather than to dwell on it. It’s better to think about something you enjoy rather than something you hate, right? And this makes it seem as though it’s a response to the last song in this way, that Logan has dealt with another insult or stressful situation and was unable to respond in the way he preferred, so now he’s choosing to ignore it and think about something fascinating to pass his time in a healthier and nonjudgmental way. Ignoring the situation is no better than stewing over it, but at least this way he gets to think about something he appreciates.

Neither of these songs seem to have a particular place in the overall storyline from the series, by the way. They seem to embody multiple similar occurrences over the course of the show, indicating that this has happened before, continues to happen, and will likely keep happening in the future. However, it’s not a great situation to repeatedly have to handle, especially if Logan is still as stressed as we know he is, and if he simply keeps permitting it to happen without speaking up properly about why it bothers him, then it will never change.

The next song, Streaks, is itself a very interesting song that embodies a lot of nostalgia, both good and bad, that Logan holds about his past with Thomas – teaching him, helping him study, guiding his path through school and college. Sadly, we know that Thomas proceeded to let his Chemical Engineering degree collect dust so he could instead pursue an acting career and become a successful Youtuber as an adult. To Logan, these more creative interests overtook his studies and Thomas’ potential for a stable and well-earning career.

[lyrics:

All these years of filling out papers

Building a future

Keeping your head down

Tryin’ to keep a head on your shoulders

Keep it creative

Make it your own somehow]

From these lyrics, we can see the inclusion of creativity as a secondary to getting the work done, showing something that was discussed in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? as Logan proposed that Thomas maintaining a healthy lifestyle and doing his work tasks needed to take priority over creative pursuits and aspirations. This could imply that, during Thomas’ school years, Logan may have had a lot more say in what Thomas should do to be successful in his classes and to get into college, and that he didn’t turn away Thomas’ interest in creativity but preferred it to not take priority over his schoolwork.

But, as we know, what may have started as a creative outlet soon grew into a genuine interest and then a full acting career that negated the entire point of all of Logan’s hard work. If Thomas had wanted to be an actor or a Youtuber all along, why did Logan put so much effort into getting Thomas to study, to do his work, to get into college, to earn his degree? He couldn’t even be proud of such an accomplishment because it served no purpose to Thomas as an adult. It didn’t signify anything except wasted effort on Logan’s part.

[lyrics:

Throw ‘em in the water

Let ‘em sink or float

Give ‘em what they need to move on

Then you let them go]

This sounds like something you’d hear from a parent watching their child grow up and move onto adulthood and pursue their own life away from the family home.

Logan had done his part, he taught and guided Thomas in everything he needed to know in order to achieve success. And when it came time for Thomas to follow through, he proceeded to veer off to a completely different path and Logan could do nothing but watch it happen. Thankfully, though, Thomas Had found success, just not in a way that Logan had expected.

He hadn’t even prepared for this type of eventuality – it was unknown territory.

But Logan could adapt, he could make this work. He’d shown he was able to overcome past obstacles, and he found ways to implement research and education into Thomas’ creative career, giving him an opportunity to still learn something new. He just needed to stay relevant and keep Thomas’ interest and continue encouraging him to learn. However, that proved much harder to do when Thomas refused to listen to him.

Thomas had grown to require much less from Logan over time, having moved away from the days of tests and studying to bigger and better adventures. It left Logan with very little to do for Thomas but maybe to appear when he had no one else to turn to.

It was as though it wasn’t just Thomas’ degree that he’d placed up on a shelf to collect dust, but Logan, too. To stay tucked away, unused for years, only ever coming in handy for very specific situations and nothing but an embarrassment or eyesore in others. What use could he possibly have anymore? Why should Thomas be proud of him when he didn’t need him for anything?

Now, if you’ve noticed, these past few songs seem to lean more heavily toward emotions than the ones that came before them. Letter C was about embarrassment and feeling shame over his mistakes and how he’s been treated, trying to use his pride to combat it. The Galaxy Song was about relief and ignoring the situation to escape to wonder and curiosity as a coping mechanism. And now Streaks is about nostalgia, the wistful longing for what once was, and the painful memory of what came of that despite all his effort.

He’s embarrassed, he’s running away from the problem, he’s sad.

You see, Logan is trying to find a solution here by using something similar to what the other sides might try when they are the ones struggling. He’s copying their methods. Roman leans on his pride to sooth his ego and to make himself feel better, Virgil runs away and hides from his issues, and Patton delves into nostalgia and strengthens his sadness, feeling it deeply.

This implies that Logan doesn’t quite understand how to handle whatever it is that he is feeling, but he's paid close enough attention to what the others have done, even if he doesn't understand why or how it's meant to help. Now that he's searching for some sort of solution on his own, he experiments, tries something new based upon his research and facts, rather than asking for any kind of help.

Remember, he can’t tarnish his image as a near-flawless Logic that is supposed to already know everything, who they’re supposed to be able to rely on. So, he will have to solve this one on his own, too, by just trying things out until he eventually gets it right. That is what the experimental approach is for, after all.

But these emotional songs are only the beginning, and they’re about to take a stark turn.

Next is What I Do For U by Ra Ra Riot, which is a song absolutely steeped in frustration and anger. In so few lyrics, it says a lot of what Logan has been mulling over lately in the storyline. We know his frustration over everything has been building more and more.

[lyrics:

I want you to survive

Anything you need]

This song gets right to the point with its opening lyrics and even the chorus. It tells us that Logan’s efforts, all these recommendations to Thomas, all the schedules and planning, all this encouragement for him to eat healthy and take better care of himself, all his guidance and advice and helpfulness serve one purpose and one purpose alone – to help Thomas survive.

[lyrics:

What I do for you

I do for you]

Everything he does, he does for Thomas.

But does Thomas recognize that? It doesn’t seem so.

And this, of course, bothers Logan. It doesn’t just bother him, it angers him. Logan has put in so much of his time and energy over the years into doing everything perfectly for Thomas, with no help in doing so this entire time. Prioritizing Thomas’ wellness over everything, listening to the others even when he couldn’t understand their emotions, remaining level-headed and calm around their puns and insults and threats, hiding his interests and holding back his words so they wouldn’t think less of him. He has worked against obstacles and odds of which the others aren’t even aware. He has bent and molded and reshaped himself in so many ways to better accommodate everyone else, to match their expectations, to make them happy. He did it for them.

But what does he get in return? Mocked, disrespected, and ignored.

And, worst of all, Logan knows just how important he is to Thomas! Well, in function, at least. Thomas would not survive without Logic, and yet Logan seems to be the only one to recognize that fact. He can’t even be respected for his function, his purpose in keeping Thomas alive and well. It’s one thing if they didn't like Logan, but wasn’t the fact that he was needed for Thomas’ survival enough for them to tolerate him, at the very least?

[lyrics:

I’m your only hope

And I’m your savior too

Every single test

You’ve been ever carried through]

On top of that, and as we saw in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts asides episode, Logan has been attempting to solve Thomas’ issues by himself, relying on his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine the best approach in every situation without consulting the other sides at all. At some point in the series, Logan came to believe that he was the only one who actually cared about what Thomas needed, that he was somehow the only one actually keeping Thomas alive. He believes he is the only side who’s clear-headed enough to handle Thomas’ problems, the only one who can act as a voice of reason, the only one who offers practical and useful solutions.

This is, unfortunately for Logan, not actually true, but it makes sense why he would come to this conclusion, considering that every side disagrees on what they think is best for Thomas. The other sides tend to focus on their own self-interests and goals as guiding factors while Logan is the one who deals the most in absolutes and factual information. Something that Roman suggests can be complete fantasy, impossible to ever achieve. Something that Patton suggests can be unreasonable to follow through on or would only hurt Thomas in the long run. Something that Virgil suggests can be rooted in negativity and self-doubt, bringing Thomas’ mental health down as a result. Janus’ suggestions can be incredibly biased and not always socially acceptable. Remus’ suggestions…well. They can be both uncomfortable as well as impractical.

But Logan never gives impossible, impractical, or biased recommendations to Thomas. He uses research to find what would work best for the situation, then applies it to his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine what would suit him most, and then suggests it outright, explaining in simple terms a way in which it can be implemented.

He does all the hard work for Thomas, so that all he’ll have to do is simply follow through. Each time, he does this with Thomas and his needs at the forefront of every offer.

Yes, he can go overboard a bit, just like all the other sides, but he thinks that just means he needs to be flexible and allow for some exceptions to balance things out, allow Thomas to be happy in his survival. After all, he has learned so much over the course of this series, hasn’t he?

He learned to compromise with those he disagreed with in The Mind vs The Heart. He learned that too much or too little of any side’s influence could bring detriment to Thomas in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2. He learned that emotions could override intelligence and present a major problem in Moving On Pt 1 & 2. He learned that finding some balance between his suggestions and the others’ was optimal in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?. He learned that such balance could not be applied to himself as he had to maintain his role as an unemotional Logic and stay serious in Crofters: The Musical. He learned that he needed to expand his understanding of why Thomas preferred emotions over intelligence despite the need for both in Learning New Things About Ourselves. He learned that the other sides and Thomas could apparently solve their issues without his presence in Selfishness vs Selflessness. He learned that his method of taking action and solving the issue for them when they were too emotional to do it themselves was more efficient in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that, despite his willingness to help, the others much preferred to solve issues without him in Putting Others First. He learned that his method of efficiency in solving Thomas’ problems on his behalf was not particularly welcome and would not earn him the respect he desired in Working Through Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that despite continued efforts, the others still won’t listen to him or to each other in Have I Grown? – Five Years Later. He learned that, as the logical side, the others would always assume he was against them and their ideas in Can Plushies Improve Our Health?

He's learned…a lot. Overall, he has concluded that he is needed but not wanted, that he has the answers but not the perfect method to apply them, that he apparently should allow for emotions to guide the other sides and Thomas while keeping himself cut off from them entirely, and that he should be implementing logic only where it is most required or when specifically requested.

Logan has found what he believes should work best for Thomas, but has also realized that Thomas is refusing to listen. Thomas doesn’t want to do things that benefit him, he doesn’t want to do things that will make him feel better, and Logan certainly can’t force him to do them, either, even when he’s sure it will help. Are the suggestions the problem or is it because it’s Logan suggesting them that keeps him from doing it?

Logan is very determined to perform his function, to keep Thomas alive and well. He wants to empower him to overcome the mental health difficulties he’s been facing lately, and to allow him to take care of his needs, but Logan’s doing all of this by himself because he doesn’t believe anyone else is capable nor wants to do what has to be done.

The other sides prefer to only dabble in the fun parts, the emotional parts, and leave the complicated and messy stuff to Logan alone. And if Thomas refuses to listen just because it’s Logan telling him the answer, then it puts everything at a standstill, including Logan’s purpose for even being there.

It frustrates him. He feels like he’s been put in this unwinnable position, always made out to be the bad guy when all he does is care about Thomas’ survival and wellbeing.

[lyrics:

I couldn’t ever give up on you

But don’t thank me]

He, quite literally, could never stop doing his job as Thomas’ Logic. He could never stop doing his part, keeping everything afloat, making sure that Thomas can still function, even when Thomas’ mental health is fighting against him at every turn.

Throughout all of Working Through Intrusive Thoughts, we see Logan pause or postpone his plans so he can redirect Thomas and attempt to salvage his mental health, give him time to refocus. He knows it’s a priority right now. He has learned time and time again that emotions are more important than logic in this world, even if logic is the reason he knows and can implement ways to help Thomas to calm down and manage those emotions.

Logan knows by now that he can only help when he’s asked to or when he’s needed most, but after every obstacle and barrier he’s managed to push through, after being the only one who cares enough to do anything to help, he’s left tired and frustrated. He just wants Thomas to listen, for once, for his own benefit, so that he might understand what it is Logan hasn’t been able to say because he’s been pushed down and away for so long.

He shouts out “Stop ignoring me!” to Remus, but Remus knows it’s not really him that he wants to yell that at, and he’s right. Logan’s frustration is mostly with Thomas, and this song shows that very clearly.

He won’t give up on him because he physically can’t, but maybe he has stopped caring about why that is. Maybe he will just do his job, meet the bare minimum of expectations, and not care about the rest anymore.

When Thomas asks him “What’s next?” in the Have I Grown? anniversary video, Logan simply responds, “You tell me.”

He knows his opinion doesn’t matter. He knows no one listens to what he has to say. His suggestions are ignored, his advice is unwanted. Why should he bother giving a damn any longer if Thomas and the other sides clearly don’t give a damn about him?

And that’s where we get to the next song, Erase Me by Ben Folds Five.

This is a very pivotal moment, and it’s notable that it seems to be something that will happen in the near future of the series, because, as of the last song, we have already surpassed all currently released (and relevant) episodes of Sanders Sides in this timeline of the playlist. Erase Me will be related to whatever happens next in Logan’s arc, which also means everything from here on out is more of a prediction than an analysis.

[lyrics:

What was our home?

Paper, not stone

A lean-to, at most]

There’s a lot going on from the very start of this song. First, Logan’s perspective of the mindscape, the “family” of Thomas’ sides, and the system they’ve been using to keep Thomas going was clearly built on shaky foundation, paper-thin and ready to fall at a moment’s notice. Patton holding back negative emotions and then pushing Thomas to prioritize others over himself, Roman pushing himself too far and letting passion fuel Thomas’ every move in desperate attempts to look like the good guy, Virgil’s persistent presence alone despite his efforts to do better only to turn around and assume the worst of Thomas’ opinion of him, Janus’ meddling and his attempts to get Thomas to understand his issues without saying anything outright and only confusing him more and making him feel more guilty, and Remus being abrasive and outlandish to grab Thomas’ attention at every chance he has even if it comes at a detriment to Thomas’ health. It really was only a matter of time before things fell through.

Thomas struggling the way he has been was bound to happen because he wasn’t taking care of himself, he would only listen to some sides far more than others and wasn’t listening to his voice of reason much at all. This created an unfair and, at times, toxic environment for the sides to live and work in. All of them constantly trying to grab Thomas’ attention was what kept them from paying attention to Thomas and what he needed instead.

This became increasingly evident after Janus showed up in the narrative, and has been explicitly clear since Remus’ arrival, too. Thomas is not doing well mentally, and his sides are all stressed out which is making it worse. Logan can recognize all this from a detached, outside perspective despite also being just as affected. He’s been trying to keep things together for Thomas, working on his own to fulfill every role being left undone while the others are too upset to handle things as they typically could, but unfortunately, Logan’s finding it hard to care anymore.

[lyrics:

And when you pulled

Your half away

Gravity won

Like it always does

Did I weigh a ton?

Would it be easier

To just delete

Our pages and the plans we made?]

So, this song is sung in a very accusatory tone, poking at a specific person (mainly because it is originally a break-up song). The speaker is very upset and angry with the other party, and they are relaying their observations and asking why, asking if it was their fault this happened.

“And when you pulled your half away” implies that Logan was not the instigator of whatever preceded this incident, but as we saw with the last song, Logan holds some beliefs about Thomas and the other sides that are not fully true but are not exactly contested either. He could easily see their insistence in pushing him away, ignoring him, and refusing to listen even when Thomas is in desperate need of help as their act of pulling away from him, even if he is the one who has finally let go.

And while I don’t want to get too particular with my predictions, I do believe it’s very possible a last straw for Logan at this juncture may very well involve Thomas’ mental health and what he genuinely needs for survival.

If you’ll remember, Logan now believes he is only truly needed when it is absolutely necessary and there are no other options, or if he is specifically requested to help in some way, so if there is a situation that requires his attention, only for him to show up and be rejected yet again, he may just give up at that point.

And Logan thinks he is the only side genuinely looking out for Thomas, not just for his needs but his wants, as well. Thomas had specifically asked for his help in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts episode, only for him to take on multiple roles to keep Thomas calm enough to handle himself. And Logan was the only one who bothered to ask Thomas what He wanted in the Can Plushies Improve Our Health? promo video, before even making his argument that everyone else assumed would be in opposition but turned out not to be.

Logan sees himself as that last remaining straw, really. If something is going to finally break him, it will be Thomas and the others. It will be their negligence, their refusal, their rejection of him that finally bends him too far, pushing him to a point where nothing can ever be the same again.

[lyrics:

So what will you do

With no me for you

I know what we said

What if I left

A thing or two?

We know that you don’t seem

To think about what you need

‘Til you reach to find that you’ve—

Erased me]

Like I said, Logan sees himself as the only one holding Thomas together. He believes that, without him, everything would fall apart and turn to chaos, and he’s probably right about most of that.

These lyrics are the speaker predicting what will occur, that the others won’t even notice his absence until they need him for something, and that’s when they’ll realize he’s already gone. This indicates a potential plan to leave, maybe not fully ducking out but certainly not sticking around either. Something that would keep Thomas’ logic functional for use while also allowing Logan a reprieve from him and the other sides, where he would only be used as one would a tool; tucked away in storage until the moment it is needed, then put right back afterward.

Leaving is the key here, though, and it’s something we’ve already seen result in detriment to Thomas back in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2, and yet, Logan has come to believe that this is a favorable option. Why? Is this to help him feel vindicated, to teach them a lesson?

It's not as though they want him around enough to stop him from leaving anyway.

You know, both the title and chorus of this song portray a very particular message, as “erase me” is not the speaker’s action, because he is not the one erasing himself. Rather, it is a suggestion to the other party so that they can finally be rid of the speaker. The lyrics are also taunting with these words, as if to say that this is what the other party has wanted all along anyway so they should just do it already.

Logan is asking, pleading, for Thomas to let him go because he obviously doesn’t even want him around. Logan doesn’t want to put up with this anymore, and as angry as he is at how he’s been treated, he knows he can’t just give up on Thomas, he’s literally a part of him. This has to be Thomas’ decision, Thomas’ action. Thomas has to be the one to push Logan away, the one to erase him.

Logan isn’t just angry at this point, he’s miserable. He knows he’s unwanted and barely needed, as he serves so little purpose to Thomas in his current career and doesn’t get along with any of the other sides despite everything he has tried to do to correct that. They’ve made it clear they don’t want him around, and they have already proven they can solve issues on their own without his help. He doesn’t need to be there, so why won’t Thomas just let him go?

[lyrics:

Erase me, and you’ll never have to face me

Erase me, Option-Command-Escape me

And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be?]

A fun little tidbit of knowledge here, but the Option-Command-Escape function on an Apple computer is its force-quit option, to completely cease a program from running. The program can’t do this itself; the user has to combine those three keys to make it happen. And when they do, the program will have closed and shut down completely. Often this is used when a program isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, when it fails to do its job. By doing this, you put it out of its misery.

Logan isn’t just asking to leave, to only benefit Thomas from afar or only as needed, he is essentially begging for death. He no longer wishes to function at all, because he believes he has no purpose to Thomas or the others. He is pleading for Thomas to let him go, find someone else who could do a better job as his Logic, someone who they’d actually enjoy having around.

For Logan to reach this low of a point, something truly devastating has to have happened to him. I cannot possibly predict what may truly set him off in this way, but given the most recent events in the series, he isn’t all that far from this point already. Likely, it will involve his worth and use to Thomas, and it won’t just be that he was forgotten or tossed aside like in SVS and SVS:R, but that Thomas or the others doing something that will clarify his uselessness out loud, where it can no longer be denied. There will be a divide that leaves him alone on the other end, finally and truly aware that he will never belong here.

Desperation that turns to anger to hide away its shame and misery, Logan won’t just duck out like Virgil had in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1. He would lash out, make sure Thomas and the others knew exactly why he wanted to leave, and begging that they be the ones to cut that connection for him. Maybe he will do something to push the issue, to give them a reason to do it. Perhaps the Orange side will emerge at this point, either to assist him in whatever he’s trying to do or to take over for him or something else entirely.

Regardless of what happens, Logan has now hit a very low point, and everyone knows it.

The next song is Art is Dead by Bo Burnham, which by itself can imply quite a few things.

As if simmering down from the initial blast of heat in the last song, there's still anger and annoyance here, but also a realization.

Something I want you to understand about this song before we relate it to Logan and why it’s included in this playlist is that the speaker is talking about a position, specifically an entertainer, and is saying that what they do is problematic. The speaker is complaining about another party, only to then turn around and include themself within that party. They are not just saying “entertainers are bad and here’s 50 reasons why.” They are saying “entertainers are attention-seekers, and so am I.”

So, when you then put this into perspective with Logan and the message he’s been trying to convey, he is pointing out flaws that he sees in what is likely Roman, as well as Thomas, but he’s also including himself as part of the problem. He recognizes that he, too, seeks attention – from Thomas, from the other sides, from the audience. And he doesn’t feel that it’s a good thing, he sees it as shameful because he knew why it was an issue, and yet he kept doing it anyway.

This seems like a moment of self-reflection, to see that he is not above the others at all, in fact he’s not that different from them when it comes down to what they all want, which is Thomas’ attention. Every single one of them is trying to be heard, but Thomas has only been listening to some of them. And most of them never feel that what they do get is enough, no matter how much it is.

This song shows that Logan knows he wants Thomas’ attention, but also that he doesn’t feel he’s done enough to deserve it. He believes he hasn’t even earned a right to complain like he has. He’s ashamed for how he’s acted because he thought he was supposed to be better than this. He doesn’t deserve the respect he thought he was owed; he doesn’t deserve anything.

With this song, he has somehow managed to dig even lower than his last low point, he’s just sorry for all the trouble he’s caused. Maybe his emotions got out of hand, maybe the Orange side caused problems but it was his fault because he let it happen – who knows? Even if he felt vindicated in the moment, it was clearly fleeting, and now, after the events of what happened, Logan only feels worse.

And then we get to Equation from The Little Prince next on the playlist, and we’re still in that zone of self-reflection, but it’s no longer about how Logan’s just like the others. No, now it’s all about his own flaws, his own failures, and everywhere that he’s fallen short.

Logan has now managed to dig even deeper than his lowest low, folks! It just gets worse and worse! Can you believe it?

[lyrics:

Will I ever know

How white is the snow

Does it matter after all?

Will I ever learn

How to fly like birds]

In this lowest point, Logan can only come up with questions that have been left unasked. Did he hurt Thomas? Did he ruin whatever he had with the other sides? Will he be forever trapped in this world Thomas created for them, with no way to truly explore the real world, to see its full wonder? Will he ever have a chance to do better, to be better, to hope again? Will he ever reach his true potential? Did he ever even have a true potential?

He had attempted and failed to find perfection for so long. He believed it was just a matter of trying, of wanting to meet Thomas’ expectations of him, that if he put his all into it, then he could see it through and be what exactly what Thomas wanted him to be, to be what everyone expected him to be, to be what Logan himself hoped to be.

Hours, days, weeks, years… In the end, it was never truly possible, and yet he had kept foolishly hoping for so long that he could be enough for Thomas. He had called the others’ ideas irrational, when, really, it was him all along with the impossible dreams.

[lyrics:

Are you good as gold?

Are you far from hope?

Are you well alone,

Dad?

Will I be a brave?

Will I be a bright?

Will I be a good grown-up?]

The future was never certain, but now Logan could never be sure of anything. What will become of him? What will become of Thomas? Is it even possible to recover from this, to start over, to get better?

We then move on to the next song, Sunrise from In The Heights. Logan is not doing well, but something he definitely needs more than anything right now is some sort of hope and motivation to keep trying and keep going.

Sunrise appears to be a song meant to involve either Roman or Patton communicating with Logan, but the purpose in its placement on this playlist seems to infer emotion as a motivation to learn, if you break the romantic intent away from the song itself, that is. Anything can motivate one to learn, even love, and Logan must be able to recognize this and understand that emotions and intelligence do not have to have a clear separation and can instead work in tandem. Learning isn’t just about curiosity or survival, it can have very emotional ties, as well.

For so long in the series, Logan has insisted he did not have emotions, even when this was clearly false. He believed that keeping himself removed from emotions would help him succeed in his job as Logic, that the others would be able to rely on him much more if they could trust his knowledge to be unbiased and unmotivated by unpredictable emotions. He assumed that divide between the two was necessary, and that if the two merged or collided, he would be unfit to do his job, that he would not be taken seriously.

However, doing this kept him from understanding and processing his own emotions as well as being unable to empathize with Thomas and the other sides. He only grew to misunderstand and mistrust emotions more and more as time went on, becoming startled and confused at his own outbursts, not aware of why he would feel a certain way or have a certain reaction to a situation, because he refused to let himself experience that emotion, to feel it. His lack of understanding directly resulted from his choice not to engage with emotions at all, despite their importance.

And finding that importance is where this song comes in, because the crucial point Logan had been missing all this time was that emotions can encourage one to learn, inspire one to research. Love can motivate someone to learn a new language, so they can communicate, as we hear in this song. But something like anger can motivate someone to research an important topic so they can fight for what they believe in with facts on their side. Sadness can inspire someone to look into advice and ways to help, not just for oneself but for others, too, employing empathy and logic side by side. Fear can motivate someone to find truth, to create familiarity with routines and schedules, to calm down cognitive distortions to maintain peace of mind.

Logic and emotions do not need to be separated; they can work together very well. In fact, most people use both in tandem every day.

For so long, Logan had set for himself a barrier he could not, would not cross. He knew there was nuance to the world but learned over time that he could not display his own. He resorted to that black-and-white thinking for the others' benefit and then to his own, finding that it was all-or-nothing when it came to Logic or Emotions. He believed one would merely taint the other, so they must be kept apart, even if that left only he alone on the other side, as the only logical side.

Despite the unfairness and discomfort, he didn’t want to challenge what he had come to think was right, what he’d been using as his basis for how he was supposed to act, which is why he refused to learn more about it, to never dare change the perception that he held.

He had given up, letting the world and its arbitrary rules dictate who he was and how he should be…but that was never meant to happen.

Once he realizes where his thoughts had steered him wrong, it will be like a whole new world of opportunities has suddenly opened up to him, giving him so much more to explore and learn. It will give him what he was missing this whole time. It will bridge the gaps he’d been unable to cross.

Logan does serve a purpose, and it's an incredibly important one, but it’s not something he was ever meant to do completely alone like he has been.

And that, of course, is where we get to the next song, One More Time with Feeling by Regina Spektor.

Firstly, this is a song about recovery, which is definitely where Logan would be by now in the story, processing what happened, and attempting to move forward and do better. As many know, recovery is not linear, and it’s certainly not perfect.

But given everything that has happened, it’s not all on Logan to improve himself on his own. Yes, he will need to allow himself to feel emotions so that he can understand them better, and he’ll need to learn ways to implement feelings alongside intelligence when working with the other sides to help Thomas, but the other sides need to do their part here, as well.

They have pushed him away, refused to listen to him for so long, often for petty reasons that blossomed into their eventual negligence. It won’t be easy to fix that level of miscommunication between Logan and the others. It’s not as simple as Logan finally speaking up, or the others promising to do better; it will require a lot of work from both ends before anyone can truly meet in the middle on this.

Logan had spent a lot of time before all this, trying to find ways to meet the others halfway, only to met with nothing in return. He gave up so much of himself, and now resents their choice to only take and never give anything back. Once the others finally reciprocate and show that they do genuinely care about him, only then will Logan have the chance to start this journey, to finally begin to get better.

The lyrics that we hear a few times in this song “this is why we fight” can have multiple connotations, such as an explanation of why the group miscommunicates and argues so much, why they don’t get along. But it can also mean that this is their motivation to keep trying, to fight for what they believe in.

I believe both of these meanings are present in Logan’s perspective of this song.

[lyrics:

Oh, everyone takes turns, now it’s yours to play the part

And they’re sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart

And the misery inside their eyes is synchronized and reflecting into yours]

Earlier on in the song, Logan believes that the others don’t understand his predicament, even if they want to help. They are still separate from him, even if they’ve all had their own issues to overcome, that doesn’t mean they actually comprehend what he’s going through, how it feels, what it means.

He experiences the world so differently from the rest of them. How could they ever possibly understand?

They are pushing him to do something he cannot do well – to open up, to reach out, to feel – and it’s only condescending and antagonistic how they keep insisting that he try again every time he fails.

“This is why we fight” during the chorus is his condemnation of their actions, that he doesn’t think the others can meet him at his level. He is not in a place yet where he can believe they’ll listen to what he’s actually saying, he can’t trust that they’ll bother to explain these unknown things to him in a way he can understand. And this is why they continue to fight, to argue, to not get along, because they aren’t properly communicating, they’re just making the same mistakes again and again.

[lyrics:

You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are

You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far

And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known

So much more than you’ve been shown]

Logan thought he would be better, not just in regard to being the best he can be for Thomas, to succeed as his Logic, to know what to do, and to have the answers, but also in terms of his own recovery. It’s difficult, and some days are worse than others; he makes progress and then he doesn’t, and it’s shameful because he has such high expectations for himself.

He’s so used to aiming for perfection that when failure is consistent like this, it feels wrong to be told it’s actually okay, that it’s normal.

But he wants to prove that Thomas’ efforts and the efforts from the other sides have not gone to waste on him, that he is improving. And yet, he keeps failing anyway. He was supposed to be perfect; he was supposed to be reliable! But now look at him. Even with their help, he’s still messing things up.

He just wants to make them proud, he wants to earn that attention and respect that he couldn’t get before, even if he knows he still doesn’t deserve it. He wants to prove that maybe he can deserve it, though.

“This is why we fight” during the next chorus is his agreement with the others, that this is the motivation to keep trying, to keep going. Someday, he can be better. Someday, he will be respected and trusted and relied upon in the ways that he wants. Someday, they’ll be proud of him.

Until then, the fight is worth it.

This leads directly into In My Mind by Amanda Palmer as the next song, as we see Logan has held very high expectations for himself, which is why failure had hurt so much. But now that things have changed, he may be beginning to challenge these expectations, to expand upon them and understand that he has a chance for something different now.

[lyrics:

Because I will be the picture of discipline

Never minding what state I’m in

And I will be someone I admire]

Part of the issue really did come down to lyrics like “never minding what state I’m in” because Logan never put himself as a priority. This entire time, even at his lowest point, Logan was never the one who was important, not even to himself.

He was okay with this because this was never about him, it was about what Thomas needed or wanted. His willingness to bend and remake himself to benefit the others was surely a sentiment shared by all of them, that this was just what was needed to accomplish his job.

It’s not until Logan finally realizes that this is not the case, that he needs to put himself in some priority, too, that he’ll ever begin to improve and truly get better, able to be himself or enjoy anything he does again.

A big part of recovery is not setting your motivation on someone or something else – you need to get better because you want to be better. You need to believe you deserve to be happy, to get the things you want. Logan can say he’s doing this to benefit Thomas, to build back a relationship with the other sides, to earn back his position and demand respect as Logic, but that will only fail until his motivation is simply that it’s something he wants to do, for him. When attached to others and their expectations, those strings only come with guilt and can end up making his situation worse.

Logan has to do this for himself.

[lyrics:

And it’s funny how I imagined

That I would be that person now

But it does not seem to have happened

Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see

That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be]

It starts with recognition, the realization that he hasn’t met those expectations he held for himself. There’s still judgement and he still feels guilty about it, wondering how he could have let it get to this point. Maybe he just wasn’t paying attention properly, maybe he should have remembered that he’d already decided long ago about perfection being unattainable and how that was supposed to apply to him, too.

[lyrics:

Not like me now

I’m so busy with everything

That I don’t look at anything

But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older]

He regrets having missed out on the present, not having the chance to experience the wonder of the world that he so admires due to all his efforts towards achieving perfection and doing his best to handle everything by himself. He was so busy trying to do everything so precisely and getting the result he wanted that he hadn’t given himself the opportunity to enjoy anything in all that time.

He could do activities if they were productive, if they served a purpose, but he was a hypocrite, always aware and sharing the wonder of the universe and all that exists within it, amazed by the here and now, yet spending all his time locked in, looking away from the present while trying so hard to maintain it.

How long did he spend, convincing himself that just as soon as he achieves what he set out to do, then he would have time to do that? How long would he have kept going if something hadn’t finally snapped and broken everything, forcing him to confront this?

Would he have missed out? Would he have been somehow worse?

[lyrics:

And it’s funny how I imagined that I could be that person now

But that’s not what I want, but that’s what I wanted

And I’d be giving up somehow, how strange to see

That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be]

Finally, a breakthrough. While not quite acceptance, Logan is finally starting to see the difference, that he wants things in a different way now than he did before.

He kept trying to strive for perfection in his recovery, but didn’t he recall how badly that had gone last time? He knew perfection wasn’t attainable, but he believed that was the expectation Thomas and the others had for him. He kept trying to get to it, no matter what it cost him, and that’s how he wound up here in the first place.

And now, after everything, things have changed. Thomas is listening, at least more than before. The others do care, and try to make sure he knows it, too. Logan had wanted to get better, to make them proud, to prove that he deserved what they were offering to him, but… that wasn’t even the point of it all.

All this time, he’d thought he still needed to be perfect, that that was what he wanted, but now that he’s finally had a chance to look inside himself, to experience wonder and curiosity again, he has realized that what he really wanted was to be accepted.

He didn’t want to have to change himself so the others would listen, he just wished they would actually want to listen to him, to like him for who he is, to let him be himself without requiring him to change, to only be the best, only what was needed, only Logic.

He wanted to be more than Logic; he wanted to be Logan.

With that, he finally realizes that doesn’t have to focus on perfection for Thomas’ sake and survival. He can focus more on himself more instead, on what he actually wants from the world, what he wants to do, and what he wants to try. He can be what he wants to be – more than Thomas’ Logic.

Having finally realized what it’s all for and being given the time to explore that, we get to the next song, Not Perfect by Tim Minchin.

This is a song that attempts to use facts and knowledge to explain feelings and thoughts, bringing context to situations that Logan had struggled in doing before this point. Finally beginning to understand what it is that’s going on inside, what these feelings are and why they’re there, to have the words he needs to adequately describe it to someone else, it all must be so relieving.

There’s still uncertainty, sure, but it’s a lot less stressful now, knowing there’s a way to talk to the others, to actually communicate what he means. He may still be startled, caught unawares, but he doesn’t have to shove it down and away anymore. He knows how to pause and reflect, let himself experience it, and he knows how to control his own behavior in reaction to it.

It’s far from perfect, and there’s still a lot he’ll need to learn, but he does so enjoy learning, doesn’t he?

[lyrics:

This is my earth and it’s fine

It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time

It’s not perfect, but it’s mine

It’s not perfect…]

Another thing to note about this song is the ownership behind most of the lyrics. “This is my earth” and “it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.” That sense of belonging is something that Logan has always wanted, and to be able to not only express that, finally, but to feel that it is real, that he is no longer just an outside observer but a part of the world as a whole, must be incredible.

He’s finally found his place, and though it was here all along, he no longer feels trapped in a cage or left collecting dust on a shelf. He has his place, he knows he’s a part of something greater, and that he’ll be appreciated for who he is.

This song has a perfect matching bookend, by the way; it’s three songs from the end of the playlist whereas Algoryhthm was three from the start. Both of these songs involve one’s differing view of the world, recognizing not only how it works but their place within it. One deals with that negatively, the other more positively.

In Algorhythm, Logan still had wonder for the expanse of the world but found himself trapped by the parameters being set. It didn’t matter that he knew things didn’t have to run in this way, he had no power to change it. He was given no other choice but to give up and go with the flow. He could only change himself to match it, knowing he was an outsider who didn’t belong but had to make do with his circumstances.

In Not Perfect, however, he still has that differing view of the world, but instead of being the outlier, he’s now able to find comfort in knowing he has a place within this world. There are so many wonders everywhere, all around, in the biggest and smallest of things. Yes, he sees the world differently, but so do others, and that’s amazing! He may feel alone at times, he may feel infinitesimal among the great expanse of the universe, but he is never truly alone. He knows he belongs here. He has those who understand him, and he doesn’t have to change for anyone. The world can accept him for who he is, always.

It's as though whoever curated this playlist knew precisely what they were doing. They cared deeply enough to ensure this story, Logan’s story, was told exactly the way it was meant to be, to describe the highs and lows, to explain the truth behind every note, and to inspire with hope anyone else who may be struggling, as well. This story, this playlist, says to us calmly and clearly that everything is going to be okay. It’s not perfect, but it’ll be okay.

In Human by Tank and the Bangas, we get to hear that acceptance, that love on full display.

Things have finally slowed down now, a song for a moment that comes at a more comfortable and soothing pace. Logan finally has the time to look around and see what he’s been missing while he’s been so busy with everything else.

This is another song that uses facts not only to describe and evoke emotions, but to inspire awe and wonder. Emotion-driven curiosity, channeling all the wonders of the world, of you, as your inspiration and guide to learn more and appreciate the here and now.

[lyrics:

Don’t you ever become complicit

With living life on a shelf]

Logan had gone so long pushing away parts of himself simply because they were flawed, not partaking in his interests because they didn’t fit the mold he so desperately wanted to fill. But now that he’s found his place, he can appreciate his chance to finally be more, to explore and share what he’s learned, knowing he’ll be heard.

Something we’ve seen from Logan since the very beginning is just how deep and wide his wonder goes. He loves the world, the universe, and everything found within it. He holds such fascination for the innumerable amount of living species in the world, for all the technology that’s been created and built, for every concept born of a mind. Logan loves the world so much, and he wishes so much for others to cherish what can be learned from it, as every moment, something new emerges. So many possibilities, so many chances to do more, see more, be more.

Logan was never meant to be someone who was pushed away, kept from the world that he loves so dearly. And now that he finally has the chance to be himself, to be accepted for who he is, we see that he immediately turns to what he loves most: wonder, and the opportunity to share it with others.

Knowledge can do so much for so many, but it’s best purpose is to be shared openly and freely, given to all who will take it. It’s not meant to be inaccessible, locked away, kept elite behind paywalls and tuition fees. It’s a part of what makes the world as amazing as it is, and Logan knows this and wants it to be shared.

[lyrics:

You have to continue to live

There are too many more interesting lessons]

Logan had made it his upmost priority in life to ensure Thomas’ survival, but this was something that eventually led to him burned out, begging for his own life to end instead. This journey, this long arc full of ups and downs, gave Logan the chance to see that his priorities were misaligned. He needed to take care of himself, he needed to give himself significance, because otherwise, he’d be constantly pouring from an empty cup.

He had to choose not only to live but to give himself the chance to do what humans do, to experience life, to enjoy it. Whatever time they have, they will make the most of it, because it can’t just be about survival.

Back in the song Algorhythm, Logan learned that humans do things very differently, that they don’t always act in ways that make sense, that sometimes they don’t prioritize survival despite its importance. In Fitter Happier, his interpretation of what it meant to be human was so disconnected from reality, misunderstanding what it was truly all for. But now, he has been given the chance to experience that broader spectrum; he’s no longer cut off from emotions and the ties they make to every moment in life.

There is so much more you can do with emotions as your guide, as the heartbeat to fuel your curiosity, your will to keep learning.

[lyrics:

And if you never knew

That that was enough to just be

You obviously don’t know

A thing]

This song has marked this moment out clearly for Logan, that he is finally an important and valued part of Thomas, that he belongs here and has a place here with the other sides, within the world, within the show. And it wasn’t perfection and changing himself to suit their needs that got him there. He was able to accept himself and give himself the freedom to explore and discover more, to find his own way to benefit Thomas, to be Logic, without strings, without repression, without solitude.

Being unabashedly himself was enough. He was enough for Thomas.

And then we get to the last song on the playlist, Time Adventure from Adventure Time.

A charming song to complete the set, to bring us back to how happy and smiling Logan had started out at the beginning of it all, though this time there’s a lot more depth to that smile. He knows more now; he’s learned and changed and improved in ways he never knew possible at the start of all this.

[lyrics:

Time is an illusion that helps things make sense

So we’re always living in the present tense

It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends

But you and I will always be back then

You and I will always be back then]

Existentialism with a positive twist, Logan can recognize the world for what it is, for how it works. But there is always that encouragement to remember where we all are, in the here and now.

Logan values the present the most, even if he’s someone we know who relies on the past for experience and the future for motivation. In comparison, Roman values the future and what it can hold, Patton values the past and what it can mean, and Virgil mixes between the past and the future to keep Thomas on a steady path. Logan is one of the only sides, other than perhaps Janus, who values the present moment above all else.

He wants Thomas to see what’s right in front of him instead of ignoring it for what he remembers of the past or what he hopes for the future. It’s okay to want those things, to appreciate them, but disregarding the present only results in missing out on the world around him, on what’s already available to him right now.

Logan sees Thomas’ potential and aspires for him to achieve it, but he can’t keep his mind on faraway goals without doing what he can in the present. Make a plan today that you can enact tomorrow. Brainstorm that story right now so you can write it later. Hug that friend today so you can remember it later when you miss them. There’s always a reason to act in the present, to live your life right here and now.

This ending song shows us that Logan has grown so much, and came to be happy at the end of the story. He’s come to understand himself, the others, Thomas, and the whole world so much better than ever before and is better for it. From this point on, things will surely be different, but now he has everything he needs to face anything that may come his way. He can rely on his knowledge, but also trust that he has his friends at his side, that he has their support. He knows Thomas values him and what he has to say, and that he can tell him when things are tough, when he needs him to listen.

He is heard. He is loved. And he loves in turn, all without having to do anything but be himself.

Something I absolutely adore about these last few songs on the playlist is that even though Logan is doing better now, after everything he’s gone through, he’s not showing this newfound satisfaction and happiness in the ways that you’d expect of most people. He’s doing it his own way, the way he likes doing it, and he’s thriving for it!

He prefers to work alone, having the time to think and contemplate strategies and plans without interruption. He likes reading in a quiet room, exploring fascinating new worlds and concepts all on his own. He likes sharing what he’s learned, and being relied upon for his knowledge, given the opportunity to explain ideas to others in the hopes that it will fascinate them and encourage them to learn more themselves.

He's not changing himself to do what others want of him. He’s not trying to fit some mold, to be okay by anyone else’s standards. He’s just…being Logan. And that’s everything I could ever want for him.

This playlist has involved such an amazing journey for Logan; it’s a story told through something humans will always love to share – music!

It showed us every crucial moment of Logan's arc, from what we've already seen in the show to what we know is bound to come next. It's clear that Logan has so much more to learn, especially from the other sides, who will be able to understand him once they finally try to communicate effectively and work together for Thomas and for themselves. The situation will improve, they will be happy, someday.

Someday, we’ll get to see the real conclusion to this character’s story, and until then, we can hold out hope for a good ending.

[astridthevalkyrie]

everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh

long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional

[icewindandboringhorror]

Found a very cool pastel cat sweater at the bins but I have literally nothing that matches it well, so I always struggle to make outfits with it lol