#attempted to scribble in a background for once in my life

[pianokantzart]

"I know, I know... just because we can't figure out who the fox cub belongs to, doesn't mean we have any right to drop him on you so unexpectedly. But the fact of the matter is, when all the forest children were rescued from the kappa, your kit found his way to this fox and... just... clung to him. He simply will not let go. Believe me, I tried. I've never seen someone so young fight so hard. I had no choice but to bring them both."

[svnoohe4rts]

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE: TO THE ULTIMATE FRIENDSHIP. ― rule number one.

pairing: park jongseong x fembodied!reader

summary: sunghoon had been strict to follow the rules written on the list the two of you had written years ago, especially rule number three. but when jay suddenly makes an appearance in your life, he realizes that maybe, just maybe, he broke rule number three a long time ago.

word count: 11,8k

warnings: angst, jealousy, just sunghoon being a bad best friend in general, SMUT ! MDNI . proofread but there may be some mistakes, please don’t be afraid to point them out !

masterlist ! next

A GUIDE TO THE ULTIMATE FRIENDSHIP.

Sunghoon saw the list of rules you two had written together every time he opened the top drawer of his nightstand table. The once white, lined paper almost had a yellow tint to it now and your handwriting had smudged to the point where it was practically impossible for Sunghoon to read the already poorly spelled sentences.

Not that he needed to read it, no, he had already memorized what the paper said years ago; long before the words faded and the paper crumbled.

It was the summer break between 4th and 5th grade when you and Sunghoon sat down underneath the big tree in his backyard while drinking some lemonade Sunghoon’s mother had made earlier that summer morning, writing a list of rules. 

A list of rules for the two of you to follow in order to have the ultimate friendship.

RULE NUMBER ONE: NO OTHER BEST FRIENDS ALLOWED.

Sunghoon had been your best friend for as long as you could remember. There was not a single memory you could recall where Sunghoon was not there, being practically glued to your hip ever since the two of you were born. In the video your parents had taken of you where you had just learned how to ride a bicycle Sunghoon could be heard cheering for you in the background, just like he was seen secretly blowing the candle out on your seventh birthday.

He could also be spotted in the framed picture hanging off the wall in your parent's room, the picture your parents had asked some poor tourist to take off you when Sunghoon came with your family on a skiing trip when you were fifteen. Everyone who saw the picture always asked who the handsome boy was and if it was your brother, which was almost true - Sunghoon was almost like a brother to you at this point. 

A brother.

And with Sunghoon being your best friend and practically a part of your family, why would you ever need another best friend? 

Both of your signatures could be found at the bottom of the page, Sunghoon’s first attempt to write his signature was scribbled over as he misspelled his own name and needed you to help him spell it. You had kissed the paper as a final way to seal the contract before forcing Sunghoon to do the same, and Sunghoon remembers shuddering in disgust as he pressed his lips onto the same spot as you - indirectly kissing his best friend, something he never wanted to experience, ever.

After that, you handed Sunghoon the list, telling him that he could keep it; knowing he would forget the rules otherwise knowing how forgetful he could sometimes be. So he did, storing it in the top drawer of his bedside table; where it remained, even ten years later.

 ‘’Wanna stay for dinner? I think my mom mentioned something about trying some new recipe she found,’’

‘’Can’t. Jay asked me to come over, we still have that English project to finish, remember?’’

A frown formed on Sunghoon’s face, watching as you kept your eyes glued to the screen of your phone. With a groan emerging from the back of his throat, he put his hand over your phone screen; covering whatever it was on your phone that possibly could’ve had you so invested, so invested that you hadn’t been paying any attention to Sunghoon for the last twenty minutes.

‘’But you’re always hanging out with Jay,’’

Sunghoon hated Jay. 

Maybe hate wasn’t the right word to describe the feelings he felt towards Jay, maybe it was a little too harsh; dislike was probably a more fitting and less brutal word to describe what he felt towards the boy who had stolen his best friend away from him.

The tall, mysterious and seemingly charismatic boy had suddenly made an appearance in your life three months back. Sunghoon remembers hearing the name Jay trail off your lips for the first time when you were comfortably laying in his bed, watching as he tried clearing a level he had been stuck on for the last couple of weeks. He also remembers just shrugging it off as you told him about how you got partnered up with the new student for your English class as he focused on the monster taking up the screen of his TV instead, both his brows furrowed and the tip of his tongue poking his cheek in concentration.

The second time the name Jay left your lips, he was sitting in the school's cafeteria. He remembers scrolling through his phone while you talked about how easy your English assignment was, and that you had Jay to thank for making it so easy for you. He also remembers you rolling your eyes when he asked who Jay was, before you lightly hit him in the arm for not listening to you.

By the nth time Jay’s name had spilled past your lips, Sunghoon wondered if you had broken the first rule of your contract.

Especially when you suddenly could no longer attend your daily hangouts after school, also known as you going to his house to do nothing for a couple of hours before going home, only to repeat the same thing the next day. You had accompanied him home from school for as long as Sunghoon could remember, so why would it change now, ten years later?

Well, Sunghoon blamed Jay for changing the routine the two of you had kept going for years.

Suddenly, you were too busy accompanying Jay to his house after school instead. To work on your assignment, you had claimed, and that maybe you could come over afterward; if it wasn’t too dark out, that being said - even though Sunghoon had offered you to spend the night multiple times.

You never did come over after you went to Jay’s house nor did you ever spend the night. Sunghoon wondered if it was because you’d rather hang out with Jay, who had managed to snatch you away from him in every way possible, even when he wasn’t even present.

Like right now, for example.

Glaring at the boy sitting in front of you, you rolled your eyes before pushing his big hand away from the screen of your phone. ‘’We study together, Sunghoon. I kind of have to hang out with him.’’ You let out before your eyes wandered back to your phone, Sunghoon watching with the same frown plastered on his face as you typed something out using both your thumbs.

Watching as you typed, he tried changing the subject, not wanting to talk about the boy anymore. ‘’Who are you texting?’’ He tried peeking over your phone, to no avail; he couldn’t even see half of the screen from where he was sitting. Shifting around in his bed, you continued typing with a small smile on your lips, ‘’Jay, he’s asking if he should pick me up.’’ 

Feeling a lump form in his throat, which he didn’t know was in distress or annoyance, Sunghoon came to the realization he’d never be able to escape the topic of Park Jay; no matter how hard he tried.

‘’Tell him no, I’ll drive you.’’ 

His voice finally caused you to look up at him, properly this time, the small smile remaining on your lips. Sunghoon knew the smile wasn’t for him, yet it somewhat eased the uneasiness he was feeling from the thought of watching you get in someone else's car, more specifically Jay’s car, when he could easily drive you. ‘’Really?’’ You let out, both your brows raised and the screen of your phone turning off; giving Sunghoon the slightest hope that you wouldn’t turn it back on.

Nodding in response, he snatched the phone out of your hands, not giving you the chance to turn it back on; putting it behind his back. ‘’Only if you promise to pay attention to me for the remaining time.’’ He let out, causing a small chuckle to trail off your lips as you sat up straight against the headboard of his bed.

With your hands finding their way to his face, your soft hands squeezing his cheeks together; Sunghoon felt the lump in his throat completely disappear. ‘’I promise to pay attention to my clingy best friend.’’ You grinned, Sunghoon staring at you in distaste before turning his face away from you; causing your soft hands to slip away from his face. Pretending to wipe your touch away from his cheeks, he shook his head while listening to the giggles trailing off your lips. 

‘’First of all, I’m not clingy,’’ He spoke, ‘’Second of all, you’re not my grandma so you have no business squeezing my cheeks like that.’’

Grinning at him, you once again grabbed onto his cheeks, ‘’I might not be your grandma, but I’m your best friend.’’ 

Fighting back a smile, he once again tried getting away from your grip; both of you laughing and Sunghoon suddenly felt like he was twelve again - when you were his only best friend and didn’t have to worry about you drifting away from him.

You remember when you laid eyes on the boy named Jay for the first time.

With his dark hair slicked back and pieces of hair falling onto his forehead, he had walked into the classroom with his hands shoved down the front pockets of his pants. You were sure he caught not only your attention, but everyone else’s as well; with his hawk-like eyes and sharp features, it was almost impossible not to find him alluring after all. 

And with your professor introducing the stranger as Jay who had just moved schools, he had gazed over the class and nodded his head before taking a seat - the class continuing on as if nothing had happened.

Not for you though. 

You remember watching him for the next couple of days after that, out of pure curiosity. You remember watching as he mindlessly browsed his laptop as your professor spoke with no open document in sight to take notes, you also remember how he got told off multiple times for having his AirPods in during class; only for him to show up the next day with the AirPods back in his ears. You admired him for that.

It took a week, a week of you as well as everyone else watching him from afar, for the seemingly quiet boy to be announced as your partner for the upcoming assignment.  

You remember hearing his voice for the first time when he stood in front of you after class, and how you thought his voice suited him perfectly; the low and deep tone of his voice matching the enigmatic aura that seemed to surround him wherever he went. You also remember feeling baffled the first time you sat down to study, when he seemed to know everything surrounding the subject even though you knew he hadn’t been listening nor had he been taking notes of anything the professor had spoken of. 

The once mysterious boy quickly became not so mysterious and you suddenly found yourself being around him more frequently. 

You had learned a lot about the boy during the three months you had spent getting closer to him. Like the fact that he had a birthmark shaped somewhat like a heart on the side of his neck for example, a birthmark that you had observed the one time he leaned over you to look at the screen of your computer, or that he always smelled musky, a tone of bergamot following him everywhere he went - the smell engulfing you each time he pulled you into a hug to greet you.

You often found yourself wondering if you were the only one who knew those small things about him, and if the rest of the world still saw him as the mysterious boy you yourself once saw him as.

‘’I was beginning to think you flaked on me.’’

Once again, the woody fragrance you had now grown accustomed to engulfed you as the dark-haired boy towered above you, a playful smirk accompanying his words as you stood outside his front door. 

The sky had gotten significantly darker compared to when you got into Sunghoons car, the night sky slowly replacing the orange tone that had decorated the sky just a few minutes prior. A smile formed on your lips as you shook your head, your eyes meeting his; taking a moment to observe his hooded eyes.

You had learned a lot about the boy during the few months you had known him, sure - yet you had the lingering feeling that there was still something about him you had yet to learn.

The feeling washed over you every time you got a glimpse of his eyes, each time leaving you to wonder just what it was that you had yet to learn. You knew he was an only child, you knew his father worked away from home which meant he had the apartment to himself most of the time, you knew his favorite color was purple thanks to the one time he came with you shopping - when he had pointed out one shirt in particular, a purple one, telling you to get it because he thought you’d look good in his favorite color.

You felt like you knew everything there was to know at this point, yet the strange and almost obscure feeling lingered.

‘’You really think I’d do that?’’ You chuckled as he stepped aside, allowing you to step into the dimly lit and quiet apartment. He liked it that way, you had figured out, considering the fact that it was always eerily quiet every time you came over; no radio mindlessly playing in the background, no random show playing on the TV - just simple quietness. 

A chuckle emerged from the back of his throat as he watched you take your shoes off, shaking his head. ‘’I’d hope not, I mean, I’d like to consider us friends at this point.’’

The words caused you to look up at him, your lips slightly parted before a small grin spread across your lips. ‘’Should I feel honored? You make it sound like I should,’’ You grinned, successfully kicking your shoe off. Jay rolled his eyes in response, leaning his upper body against the wall behind him. ‘’No, but I think friends reply to each other's messages, no?’’ 

Lightly hitting his bicep, something Jay had figured out you did when you felt comfortable around someone, you shook your head. ‘’I’m sorry, I was at Sunghoons house and I forgot to reply,’’ 

The sudden mention of Sunghoon caused Jay to raise one of his eyebrows. ‘’Sunghoon? Let me think,’’ He hummed, squinting his eyes as if he was thinking, ‘’The boy you’re always hanging out with, right? The one you grew up with?’’ This time, it was your turn to roll your eyes after staring at him in disbelief for a moment. ‘’Yes, Sunghoon, the boy I’ve told you about like, what, a thousand times?’’ You let out, squinting your eyes back at him.

Jay had yet to meet Sunghoon, despite attending the same school as the two of you. There had been plenty of instances where they could’ve met, like every time you bumped into Jay in the hallways while casually talking to Sunghoon - your introverted friend, however, always just gave you a quick nod whenever he saw your face lit up upon seeing the other boy; leaving before you even had the opportunity to introduce the two. 

You just shrugged it off as Sunghoon being his introverted self, and meeting new people just wasn’t his forte. You, however, had yet to learn about the boy's hatred towards the other boy and the fact that he had no desire whatsoever to meet the boy who had stolen his best friend away.

A smirk formed on Jay’s lips, gently punching you in the shoulder. ‘’I’m just playing, I’m assuming he drove you here?’’ He asked, not taking his eyes off of you as he started walking down the hallway leading to his room. You nodded in response, fixing the bag hanging off your shoulder as you followed him; earning a nod back from the taller boy. 

‘’Hopefully I’ll get to meet this infamous Sunghoon one day.’’

‘’Maybe one day.’’

‘’How come you’re taking English classes if you already know all of this stuff?’’

Your question caused a low chuckle to emerge from the back of Jay's throat, not taking his eyes off the book placed in front of him. ‘’I think this is just common knowledge, Y/N,’’ He responded, causing you to frown. ‘’That’s just an indirect way of calling me stupid.’’ You mumbled, tearing your eyes off the boy seated in front of you before returning your gaze to the book placed in your lap. 

Jay looked up at you, holding back a chuckle at the sight of you pouting; a small smile forming on his lips as he leaned over the bed, grabbing onto your chin before tilting your head up. Your eyes immediately met his, your eyes wide from his sudden action and the foreign feeling of his rough fingers gently gripping your chin; your eyes traveling down to the smile he wore on his plump lips.

And you almost missed the way his eyes traveled down to your lips, too.

 ‘’I don’t think you’re stupid.’’

Even though you felt like there was something you didn’t know about the boy, there was one thing you had learned - he wasn’t too big on psychical contact. It took weeks for him to greet you with a hug, only raising his eyebrows at you every time you tried to wrap your arms around him; leaving you feeling both embarrassed and dumb for thinking he’d want to hug you in the first place. 

Until one day, he had taken you by surprise when you were waiting for him by his locker; his big hands suddenly grabbing onto your shoulders from behind before spinning you around, laughing at your shocked expression before hugging you for the first time. 

After that, despite you stumbling over your words from utter shock from him hugging you without you initiating it, it became a habit to hug each other whenever you greeted one another.

You noticed he grew more comfortable around you as his small, almost unnoticeable touches happened more frequently. You remember him placing one of his hands on your thigh while you were reading something out loud and he wanted to read whatever you were reading too, or the one time he wrapped an arm around your shoulders while walking to the school's library; all while laughing at something you had said.

But this, him touching your face, had never happened before.

Noticing the way your lips separated like you were about to say something, but not a single word leaving your lips; he chuckled at the clearly flustered state you were in before letting go of your chin, going back to leaning against the wall by his bed. ”Plus I think it’d look good on my resume, don’t you think?” You just stared at him for a moment, watching as he went back to reading like he hadn’t just grabbed your chin; clearing your throat in a desperate attempt to hide your now flustered state.

‘’You know,’’ You let out after a while, trying to change the topic, ‘’I keep getting the feeling that there’s something I have yet to know about you.’’

Jay just cocked an eyebrow, he could feel you looking at him; keeping his eyes glued to the page he was reading. ‘’Yeah? And what would that be?’’ He let out, looking up at you before slightly tilting his head. You shrugged, ‘’I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure it out.’’ He just stared at you for a moment upon hearing your words, his eyes meeting yours as silence engulfed both of you.

‘’You want to know what I think?’’

You nodded your head, feeling both confused and nervous from the sudden silence - had you accidentally managed to offend him?

He took a moment to just look at you, his eyes scanning your face; causing you to slightly furrow your eyebrows as his eyes met yours once more. ‘’I think there’s a lot you don’t know about me.’’

The seriousness lingering behind his words caused your facial expression to soften and a chuckle to leave the back of your throat, shaking your head as you tore your eyes off the boy sitting in front of you; Jay, however, kept his eyes on you - watching as you went back to reading whatever page you were on, a small smile plastered on your lips. 

You wondered if he was just trying to tease you, make fun of you even; realizing your sudden confession probably sounded like a joke to him, something you blurted out to avoid having him tease you for your flushed state.

‘’Yeah? Like what?’’

‘’Do you want me to show you?’’

His sudden exclamation caused your eyes to immediately dart back up, your eyes immediately being met by his own dark ones. Expecting to be greeted by his usual playful smile, you suddenly grew nervous once more as you realized the playful grin you had expected to see was nowhere to be seen.

No, with his eyes burning into your skin and his head slightly tilted, you realized he wasn’t teasing you. 

‘’What?’’ You let out, trying your best to decipher the stern look on his face. It wasn’t unusual for Jay to walk around with a stern look on his face, his hawk-like eyes and sharp features making it look like he was constantly judging everyone around him. But this, the look he was giving you right now? No, it was nothing like the usual stern look he wore on his face.

‘’I said, do you want me to show you?’’

With his eyes still burning into your own, you found yourself unable to look away. His low eyes made it almost impossible for you to tear your gaze off him, desperate to understand what the new look he was giving you meant; even if it meant you had to stare right back at him, looking and feeling dumbfounded.

‘’Show me what?’’ The quietness of his apartment made you wonder if he could hear your heart practically beating out of your chest, suddenly feeling almost naked as he stared at you; his dark eyes piercing into your soul, causing a wave of uncertainty to wash over you. Your voice almost came out in a broken whisper, and you wondered if he even heard you.

The deafening silence almost made you repeat your question, keyword almost; you weren’t sure if you wanted him to respond, you weren’t sure if you wanted to know what his response would be.

Jay, however, did hear your question - but he didn’t reply, no, instead he tore his eyes off you to grab the novel he was reading; the noise of him slamming the book shut ricocheting off the walls, almost causing you to jump. 

You didn’t even have time to react to the sudden noise before you suddenly felt Jay place both hands on either side of your legs, and before you knew it - he was towering right above you; his arms caging you in.

At that moment, that’s exactly what you felt like; like you were being caged. Like you were being held hostage, with one of his arms now placed against the headboard of his bed where you were comfortably resting your head and the other one placed by your shoulder, you froze.

His face was now only a few inches away from your own, almost feeling his breath fan across your face; the closeness almost causing you to hold your breath as you were unable to do anything but look at him with wide eyes.

The shock of him being so close to you caused your heart to race, his musky scent surrounding you in a way it had never surrounded you before; suddenly being able to smell his shampoo and the mint gum he had been chewing on a few minutes prior. You had been close to him many times before, you had been closer to him than this; like when he hugged you for example, your cheek pressing against his chest as his arms wraps around your figure.

But this? This was completely different from the friendly hugs he usually gave you. This was so much more intimate than all the hugs he had given you combined, his eyes still piercing into your own as you found yourself unable to look away once more - your lips parted and eyes wide as you stared right back at him.

His eyes darted between your eyes and lips, his dark gaze sending shivers down your spine. You desperately tried to say something, to move, anything: but almost like your limbs were frozen in place, you simply couldn’t; feeling like your whole brain had shut down and your vocal cords had never existed in the first place, you were left to do nothing but stare at him in pure shock. 

At that moment, you wished that Jay would’ve left some random show to play on the TV, you wished that he’d at least put on some music while you were studying - anything, anything that could distract you from the way his lips were hovering above your own.

Jay’s eyes met your own once more before a low chuckle emerged from the back of his throat, the sudden sound breaking the silence almost causing you to jump once again. You suddenly felt him bop your nose using the hand he had previously placed right by your head, causing you to blink as a small smile formed on his lips, and before you knew it; he was no longer towering right above you.

‘’I’m just playing with you,’’ He laughed as climbed off of you, his musky scent no longer engulfing you and the mint on his breath no longer invading your senses, ‘’God, you should’ve seen the look on your face! What, do you think I’m some sort of serial killer?’’

Letting go of a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, you forced an awkward chuckle to leave your throat; the uneasiness and confusion lingering in your shaky chuckle being evident. You were quick to tear your gaze off him, almost feeling the need to gasp for air; your cheeks warm and your chest heaving under the shirt you were wearing. You could feel your heart beating and you were almost certain Jay could hear it from across the bed as well, the smile on his lips remaining as he shook his head at your panic, grabbing the book he had disregarded minutes prior.

Like nothing had ever happened, he went back to reading the novel your teacher had assigned you to read; leaving you to uncomfortably shift around in his bed, trying your best to find a comfortable position - trying your best to calm both your racing heart and thoughts.

The thought of Jay almost kissing you didn’t leave your mind for the entire night after that, not even when you found yourself in your own bed hours later - staring at the ceiling as you recalled the feeling of his breath on your face and his scent engulfing you, leaving you to wonder if you had wanted him to kiss you.

The thought remained, even when you woke up the following morning.

Like a stone, it sat in your stomach from the second your eyes fluttered open; only to be greeted by the morning sun peaking through the blinds. On your way to school, the thought still lingered; staring out the window of the passenger seat of Sunghoons car as he mindlessly talked about something, something you couldn’t bring yourself to listen to no matter how hard you tried.

Even during math, the thought of Jay clouded your mind as you desperately tried to focus on the numbers filling your page. But instead, you only stared at the empty paper placed in front of you, the pen you were holding in your hand ghosting over the paper; unable to think about anything but Jay’s body pressing against your own and the way his lips had ghosted over your own.

You, however, despite Jay potentially trying to kiss you clouding your mind; couldn’t help but wonder if maybe you were making it all up. Perhaps Jay hadn’t actually tried to kiss you, maybe it was just your mind playing tricks on you; maybe he had actually just tried to tease you, he did enjoy seeing you all flustered after all - something you had learned the hard way.

Jay had made you flustered multiple times during your short friendship, more times than you could count. Like when he’d compliment you on the smallest things, for example, the jewelry you chose to wear, or when he’d compliment you on your choice of perfume for that particular day; telling you that you smelled good while pulling you in for a hug to greet you. The smirk he’d wear on his lips every time he’d see your cheeks turn a peachy color made it clear that he enjoyed seeing you like that, making you wonder if he did it purely to make you flustered.

And with the same smirk on his lips, this time while being dangerously close to your face, you were left to wonder if he was in fact just trying to make you flustered.

‘’Are you okay?’’

Sunghoon’s sudden voice caused you to snap out of your thoughts, your eyes landing on the boy walking beside you. With his brows slightly furrowed together, he stared at you; waiting for you to reply. Clearing your throat, you nodded. ‘’Sorry, what were you saying?’’ You mumbled, your gaze returning to the ground underneath you.

A day later, and Jay was still preoccupying your mind; unbeknownst to Sunghoon, who was too busy celebrating the fact that you finally agreed to hang out with him after school. So busy that he almost failed to notice the way you hadn’t been listening to a single word that had left his mouth since that very same morning when he picked you up outside your house, so busy that he almost didn’t notice the way you had only hummed in response to whatever he had said.

Until he eventually did realize, hours later - when you hadn’t uttered a single word for the past fifteen minutes.

Pressing his lips into a thin line, he looked at you; his steps coming to a halt, grabbing onto your wrist to prevent you from taking as much as a single step. The feeling of his hand wrapping around your wrist caused you to look up at him once more, both your eyebrows raised as your eyes met his now concerned ones. ‘’What’s up?’’

You could clearly hear the concern lingering behind his words and for a moment you felt guilty, guilty for making him worry. Letting out a chuckle, you shook your head, ‘’It’s nothing, I just have a lot on my mind right now, college, you know?’’

If things had been different and if Sunghoon hadn’t been your best friend for the past twenty years, he would’ve believed you. But he had known you his entire life and he most definitely did not believe you, he could easily tell there was something more than just college on your mind by just looking at you - leaving him to wonder why you felt the need to hide something from him, a frown forming on his face.

‘’You sure?’’ He asked, scanning your face; trying to find out what it was that was preoccupying your mind, what it was that had you so deep into your own thoughts - to no avail as you only flashed him a bigger smile, causing Sunghoon to poke the inside of his cheek using his tongue. 

‘’Cut the bullshit.’’

The smile that you had just worn on your lips slowly faded as your best friend called you out, a frown taking over your features as a small sigh escaped your lips; feeling Sunghoon let go of your wrist, letting his hand fall back down the side of his body. ‘’It’s really nothing,’’ You mumbled, avoiding his gaze; missing the way he rolled his eyes upon hearing your words.

‘’If you say so.’’ 

Your gaze once again landed on the boy as he continued walking, your eyes landing on the back of his head; another sigh escaping your lips as you debated on whether or not to tell your best friend what was weighing you down.

You trusted Sunghoon. You trusted Sunghoon more than you trusted anyone else. he was your best friend, after all, a brother even. But despite your close relationship with one another, love and everything surrounding the topic was just something you didn’t talk about; no matter what.

Maybe it was because of that one time you told him about the crush you had on one of the boys in your class during middle school and he laughed at you, leaving you feeling both embarrassed and angry, angry that you told him in the first place if he was just going to make fun of you. Or maybe it was because of that one time you had to comfort him after he got rejected, something he refused to speak about ever again; you weren’t sure, but one thing was for sure.

You simply did not talk about those things. Or you didn’t, until what had been on your mind eventually slipped past your lips.

‘’I think Jay tried to kiss me last night.’’

As soon as the words left your lips, Sunghoon regretted ever asking.

A sudden burning sensation spread across his chest, feeling like his heart was caving in; his breath almost hitching in his throat upon hearing your words. Feeling like someone had grabbed onto his heart and ripped it out of his chest, crushing it before stomping on it; he wished he had never asked you in the first place.

He wished he wouldn’t have asked what was on your mind, he wished he wouldn’t have known you so well to the point where he could easily tell that something was wrong - anything, anything to avoid the ache he was suddenly feeling in his chest, an ache he had never experienced before.

Almost feeling the need to grab onto the fabric covering his chest, he froze. Like he was unable to move, he just stared at his car that stood parked in the school's parking lot a few feet away.

‘’Did you kiss him?’’

The words trailed off Sunghoon’s lips before he could even comprehend what he was saying, the words leaving his lips before he could even consider what to say; not sure if he actually wanted an answer to his question. 

You just stared at him, confusion washing over you upon seeing his reaction. With his back still facing you, you furrowed your brows; making you wonder if perhaps you shouldn’t have said anything, considering the way his steps came to an abrupt stop and his shoulder tensed. ‘’No,’’ You let out, uncertainty lingering in your voice as you stared at him.

‘’Did you want to kiss him?’’

Squeezing his eyes shut, Sunghoon had to bite his own tongue in order to not say anything else. He didn’t even want to know if you wanted to kiss Jay, no, he didn’t want you to want to kiss Jay; the question slipping past his lips quicker than he was able to think.

Sunghoon wasn’t a religious man, he had never been and he probably never would be either. But at that moment, Sunghoon prayed for the first time in his life; with his eyes squeezed shut, he prayed that you’d say no. 

He prayed that you’d laugh, he prayed that you would tell him how you didn’t want to kiss Jay - anything, he prayed for you to say anything other than a yes. 

He, however, didn’t know if the silence that followed his question was any better than if you would’ve said yes. 

Turning around to face you, he felt the heavy feeling in his chest spread even further as he spotted the look on your face. With your lips pressed into a thin line, you just stared at him; causing Sunghoon’s heart to sink, your silence hurting more than if you were to say yes.

‘’Did you?’’ You bit down on your lower lip as he repeated his question, his brown eyes now staring into your own. You tried to figure out what the look on his face meant, the look that he usually wore on his face whenever he felt disappointed. But he wasn’t disappointed, not right now, he couldn’t be, right? What was there to possibly be disappointed about?

‘’No, I mean, I don’t know,’’ You mumbled, shrugging your shoulders as you spoke. Fighting the urge to avoid his piercing gaze, you nibbled on your bottom lip; the look on his face making you wonder whether he was disappointed or just felt awkward.

The sudden dry chuckle that left his lips, however, told you everything you needed to know. ‘’You don’t know?’’ Almost speaking through gritted teeth, the tone of his voice taking you by surprise; causing you to frown.

‘’Yeah, I don’t know,’’ You let out, your eyebrows furrowed together as he shook his head; another dry chuckle, a chuckle in disbelief, ripping through his chest.

‘’You have to know if you wanted him to kiss you or not Y/N,’’ He argued, not taking his eyes off of you, watching as your eyes widen in surprise. ‘’What? I don’t know Sunghoon, I don’t know if I wanted him to kiss me or not!’’ You defended yourself, confusion washing over you as the boy in front of you only seemed to grow even more agitated the more you spoke.

Letting out a sigh in annoyance, Sunghoon ran one of his hands through his hair in an attempt to somewhat calm himself down, ‘’For fucks sake,’’

‘’Why are you getting mad?’’

Your question caused Sunghoon to freeze, letting his arm fall down the side of his body again, his lips parting like he was about to say something; but with not a single word leaving his lips, the boy remained silent.

You were right, why was he getting mad?

Any other best friend would be happy, happy that their best friend met someone - so why was Sunghoon feeling like someone stabbed him in the heart, and not happy? Why did the thought of his best friend almost kissing another guy, someone who wasn’t him, cause a burning feeling to spread across his chest?

Your big eyes, filled with both surprise and disappointment caused Sunghoons gaze to soften. Realizing he had lashed out at you with no real explanation, confusing both you and himself, he placed his tongue between his teeth. ‘’We’ll hang out some other day, alright?’’ He managed to mumble after a moment of silence, his voice low and you were sure you could hear what sounded like both anger and sadness lingering behind his words.

‘’Sunghoon, wait,’’

The boy had already turned around before you could even utter as much as a word, feeling the need to reach out and grab onto him to stop him from walking away from you; your hand leaving your side, just to retract it just as quickly - realizing it was no use.

He was already walking away, leaving you to stand alone in the school's parking lot. 

Feeling both confused and as if someone had just punched him in the face, Sunghoon came to the realization that you had in fact broken the first rule. And maybe, just maybe, he had broken one of the rules himself.

Radio silence.

Sunghoon didn’t pick you up the following day, even though he had picked you up every single day ever since he got his license and even though you stood outside your house at 8 AM sharp - his car never turned the corner, like he always did. 

Nor did he text you that night, after leaving you in the parking lot all on your own; leaving you to take the bus as your only ride home left you stranded.

Nothing but utter, complete radio silence.

Perhaps it was your own fault, you thought, you had been zoned out the entire day and completely uninterested in anything he had said after all. But the confusion still lingered, the confusion as to why he lashed out at you; as to what could've gotten him so upset to the point where he grew so aggravated, to the point where he felt the need to leave you with no explanation, no nothing.

Instead, you were left confused, with tears staining your cheeks all the way until the early hours of the morning, but most of all: hurt. 

You were left hurt.

The boy now standing in front of you, however, seemed equally as confused with your unannounced presence.

‘’Y/N? What are you doing here?’’ Jay let out in surprise as he opened his front door, only to reveal you standing there; the cold winds sending goosebumps down your arms as you shoved your hands further down your pockets in an attempt to warm yourself up. You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his and Jay wondered if your cheeks were red from the cold autumn weather that had slowly been approaching, or if you had been crying. 

‘’Can I come in, or is it a bad time?’’

Maybe it wasn’t the most ideal time for you to show up at Jay’s door, completely unannounced, judging by the way his hair was dripping wet and the towel he was holding in one of his hands. But with Sunghoon completely ignoring you and your heart still slightly aching from your best friend being disappointed, angry - whatever it was he was with you, it was obvious to you that he wouldn’t hang out with you today.

Despite it being the one day of the week, the one day when you had promised him to hang out with him, clearing your schedule to go over to his house; sometimes even sleeping over, if he managed to convince you, that being said.

Not today, you guessed.

Jay looked at you for a moment, before a warm smile spread on his lips. ‘’You’re always welcome here, silly.’’

The warmth of Jay’s apartment welcomed you with open arms, shielding you from the cold winds raging outside; mentally scolding yourself for not wearing something warmer. A low sigh escaped your lips as you sat down at the edge of Jay’s bed, rubbing your hands together in an attempt to warm yourself up. ‘’I thought today was no study day?’’ Jay spoke as he entered the room, his eyes questioning you as he rubbed the towel against his scalp; preventing droplets of water to drop from the ends of his hair.

You looked up at him, your eyes scanning his figure. With nothing but a flimsy tank top covering his chest, the lack of sleeves leaving his biceps out for you to see - you almost felt the need to look away. Almost like you weren’t supposed to be looking at him, your breath hitched in your throat.

Quickly gazing back down at your hands, still rubbing them together to create some warmth, you shook your head in response. ‘’Change in plans,’’ You lightly chuckled, the sound of Jay draping the towel over the door leading into his room causing you to gaze back up at him, reluctant to do so. He looked over at you, his lips parting as if he was about to say something; his eyes meeting yours.

The room fell silent and you wondered if perhaps he could sense how tense you were. Perhaps he could hear your heart thumping against your chest, just from him simply looking at you, all the way across the room; or maybe it was the look in your eyes that gave it away, you weren’t sure. 

But one thing was for sure, Jay most definitely noticed something - slightly tilting his head at you.

‘’How come?’’

Now it was your turn to shrug, forcing yourself to tear your eyes off of him; his eyes still burning into your skin as you looked away. ‘’Plans changed, I guess,’’ You mumbled, the room falling silent once more.

‘’Why have you been crying?’’

Jay wasn’t sure if you had actually been crying, or if it was the cold causing a red color to flush your cheeks. Trusting his gut feeling, the words softly trailed off his lips; and judging by the way you immediately looked up at him with wide eyes and your shoulders tensing up upon hearing his words - he realized he was right and that it was, in fact, the first option.

Parting your lips like you were about to say something, you felt like sinking through the ground. You had hoped that the cold would’ve helped you cover up your tearstained cheeks and puffy eyes, and maybe anyone else wouldn’t have noticed; but Jay did notice, and you wished he hadn’t - because then you wouldn’t have to awkwardly laugh it off.

You forced a chuckle to leave the back of your throat, bringing one of your hands to your face as you shook your head. ‘’Crying? It’s just cold out,’’ Pressing the back of your hand against your cheek in an attempt to show him that you were in fact just cold, even though that wasn’t the case; hoping he’d just shrug it off.

He didn’t. 

No, instead he just looked at you with his head still tilted, the look on his face making it clear to you that he did not believe your little white lie; not even a little bit. The room fell silent and you wondered if it was disappointment lingering in his dark eyes, disappointment over the fact that you had lied to him.

‘’You don’t have to tell me, you know,’’ He uttered, breaking the silence. His voice was warm as he spoke, nothing like the dagger-like tone that had lingered behind Sunghoon’s words when he had spoken to you, no; Jay’s soothing and sincere voice sounded nothing like the sharp words that had trailed off your best friend's lips. ‘’I just want you to know that I’m here to listen, always.’’

You hadn’t anticipated the lump that was now beginning to form in your throat, nor had you expected Jay to comfort you. You weren’t sure if Jay actually knew how comforting his words were, or if he was even being sincere; but the look in his eyes told you he was and you wondered if he also noticed the tears that had formed in your eyes.

He must’ve, because before you could even blink, you felt him place his weight next to you on the edge of his bed. Your eyes met his once more as he placed one of his hands on top of your thigh, his sudden touch taking you by surprise; but the look in his eyes, however, made you feel even more surprised.

His normally cat-like eyes no longer looked as mysterious to you, not with concern lingering in his dark brown orbs. With his eyes filled with both concern and what almost looked like admiration, you couldn’t help but let the broken sob that had been trying to claw its way out of your throat finally escape.

‘’It’s Sunghoon.’’

Jay was quick to wrap his arm around you before the broken sob could even leave your throat, gently pressing you against his chest before letting his head rest on top of yours. You let the tears that had been threatening to leave your eyes fall, feeling slightly embarrassed for crying in his arms; Jay humming as the name ‘Sunghoon’ trailed off your lips.

Once again, his musky scent engulfed you as his fingers combed through your hair. This time, however, the musky scent you had gotten used to comforted you in a way you had never expected it to - wrapping your arms around his torso in an attempt to get even closer to the boy holding you.

Jay hadn’t heard a whole lot about your so-called best friend, Sunghoon. He knew you grew up with each other and that he had seen him a handful of times in the hallways, but other than that; Park Sunghoon was practically a mystery to him.

But the second his name trailed off your lips, accompanied by your glossy eyes - Jay realized that the name Sunghoon was going to leave a sour taste in his mouth for a very, very long time.

‘’It’s okay,’’ Jay hummed into your hair, his heart clenching as he felt you grab onto him even harder, making him wonder for a split second if you were scared he was going to leave. Maybe you were, perhaps you were afraid he’d leave you on your own; you weren’t sure either, but there was one thing Jay was sure about.

He wasn’t going to let you go.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ You mumbled into his shirt, causing a low chuckle to leave Jay’s lips. You were about to look up at him, his sudden chuckle making you frown into the fabric of his tank top; making you feel stupid. But before you even had the chance to move your head, you felt Jay’s hand slowly slip away from your waist and grab onto the side of your face - making you look up at him.

Your breath hitched in your throat as your eyes met his, a small smile on his lips as he looked at you. His face was only a few inches away from yours, closer than he had ever been before - his thumb gently stroking your cheek making it even harder for you to breathe. ‘’Don’t you dare say you’re sorry,’’ He let out, ‘’Especially when you have nothing to be sorry about.’’

Maybe if Jay hadn’t planted the idea in your mind, you wouldn’t have kissed him. Maybe if he hadn’t gotten so close, maybe if his smell hadn’t invaded all your senses, and maybe if his rough fingers hadn’t dragged across your cheek; you wouldn’t have placed your hand in the nape of his neck and brought your face towards his own.

But you did, and you almost felt the need to let out a gasp as his plump lips came into contact with your own lips, the tears that had made their way down your face coating your lips.

Jay, however, also felt the need to almost gasp for air as your salty lips came into contact with his own dry ones. He almost pulled away, he almost let you slip away from his grip; and also he knows he probably should. He knows he shouldn’t let you kiss him, he knows he shouldn’t pull you closer and he knows he most definitely shouldn’t let his fingers run through your hair.

But how could he possibly not, when he had wanted nothing else but this for the past three months?

His lips moved against your own with such urgency, such desperation; his fingertips tugging at the roots of your hair as you placed your other hand on the side of his face, bringing him even closer to you. Feeling his tongue suddenly swipe across your bottom lip, you had to fight back from letting a small whine leave your throat; slightly parting your lips, letting his wet muscle come into contact with your own.

The tears that had previously left your eyes were now nowhere to be seen, Jay using his thumb to wipe them away as he helped you straddle him; his lips not leaving yours as you placed yourself on top of his lap. Feeling one of his hands leave your face and drag down your side before eventually resting at your waist, you almost shivered under his touch.

With your fingertips grazing over the water droplets that had dripped onto the skin of his neck thanks to him not properly drying his hair, Jay let out a low groan against your lips; the sudden sensation of your soft fingers tickling his skin causing his grip around your waist to tighten. The feeling of his fingernails digging into your skin caused a gasp to leave your lips, causing you to pull away from the kiss for a split second.

Jay just looked at you for a moment, admiring you; with you on his lap and your eyelashes stuck together from the tears that had spilled past the corners of your eyes, he had to bite down on his lower lip in order to somewhat ground himself - both of your chests heaving up and down from the intense kiss.

‘’Whatever he did,’’ Jay mumbled after a moment of silence, watching his fingers graze over the skin of your cheek as he spoke, ‘’It’s not worth crying over.’’

His soft words almost caused tears to form in your eyes once more, your lips meeting his before they even had a chance to form and drop onto your cheeks, again. This time, Jay was quick to slip his hand under your shirt, his warm hand gently stroking your waist as his rough lips continued to attack yours. The feeling of his hand coming into contact with your skin caused you to unconsciously move around in his lap, a hiss suddenly leaving Jay’s lips as he pulled away.

You were about to open your eyes, a pang of fear shooting through your body as he pulled away; fear that maybe he didn’t want to kiss you. Maybe he realized that letting you kiss him in the first place was a mistake, that he didn’t actually want to - until you suddenly felt his wet hair come into contact with the skin of your neck, that being said.

Followed by a water droplet dropping knot your skin, you felt him press a soft kiss right underneath your ear; causing you to tilt your head to the side, your eyes fluttering shut once more as your lips parted at the sensation. Leaving a trail of kisses down the side of your neck, his rough lips accompanied by his tongue occasionally swiping across your skin; a low whimper emerged from the back of your throat.

‘’Jay,’’ You whimpered, your head still tilted to the side, giving the man easy access to your neck. Nibbling on your skin, he hummed; the vibrations as well as his hand still gently stroking the side of your body causing another whine to spill past your lips. ‘’Can you take my mind off it, please?’’

Your soft whisper caused Jay to detach his lips from your neck, his eyes meeting yours once more. He slightly tilted his head, using his thumb to swipe across your bottom lip as you stared at him; your eyes wide and Jay could practically see the desperation inside of them. ‘’How would I do that?’’ He let out, his voice low as his gaze landed on his thumb, watching as your bottom lip followed his movements. 

You stared at him for a moment, the feeling of his rough fingers pressed against your bottom lip almost making you feel dizzy. ‘’Can you make me feel good?’’ 

Jay’s eyes widened for a split second as the words rolled off your tongue so softly, so softly that he almost missed them and he probably would’ve, if the apartment hadn’t been so quiet. His movements stopped, the pad of his thumb remaining on your bottom lip as his eyes met yours once more.

He looked for any type of doubt, any type of sign; a sign that giving into the urges he had carried around with him for months at this point would be a bad idea, something he’d regret later on; but there was none, no matter how hard he looked. 

No, instead he was met with your lustful eyes; your eyes filled with what Jay could only identify as the very same lust he himself was feeling. ‘’You want me to make you feel good?’’ He breathed, not taking his eyes off of you as he spoke, still looking for any type of warning sign telling him not to do it.

You nodded in response, ‘’Please.’’

And as soon as your soft voice filled the room and confirmed for Jay that you, in fact, wanted him, you suddenly felt yourself being thrown on the bed; with Jay suddenly towering above you - just like he had done two days prior. This time, however, he leaned down and pressed his lips against your own.

‘’I’ll make you feel good, okay?’’ He grunted, resting his forehead against your own. His words caused a whimper to leave your lips, eagerly nodding your head in response. ‘’’Just wanna have you, Jay,’’ You whimpered, wrapping your hands around his neck.

A low hiss left Jay’s lips as he dipped his head in the nape of your neck, his lips latching onto your sensitive skin once more; this time, however, his kisses were much rougher and the grip he had around your waist only hardened as he buckled his hips into your own. A whine emerged from the back of your throat as you threw your head back, a small wet patch forming in your underwear as his crotch pressed against your own; one of your hands gripping onto his wet hair. 

‘’I’ll make you forget everything but my name.’’

A loud gasp left your throat as he pressed his hips against your own once more, this time even harder, his teeth sinking into your skin; not even giving you the time to process what he had just said. Letting your hands get tangled into the wet locks covering his neck, you slightly tugged at his hair - earning a low grunt from him in return as he gently rolled his hips against your crotch.

You weren’t sure if this was the best way to take your mind off what had been weighing you down, or Sunghoon, more specifically. It wasn’t like you intended to end up under Jay, with his lips attached to your neck and his crotch grinding against your own when you showed up at his house, no, you thought maybe he could distract you and your wandering thoughts by maybe catching up on your English assignment.

This, however, feeling his rough fingers roam your body and his lips decorating your skin seemed to be working much better than studying ever could.

You hadn’t even noticed the way Jay had slowly begun to kiss down your neck, now letting his teeth nibble on the skin surrounding your collarbones; his hand that had previously been stroking your side was now gently pulling the fabric of your shirt further up your stomach, the cold air coming into contact with your now very hot, exposed skin causing you to whimper.

His lips suddenly left your skin, the loss of contact causing you to open your eyes and look down at him; only to be met by him already looking at you. His eyes were low, looking up at you through hooded eyes as he slowly moved down the bed - placing feather like kisses on top of your stomach while doing so. Your lips parted as you watched him kiss down your stomach, hooking both his arms under either side of your legs as he placed himself between them.

Keeping his eyes on you, he placed a kiss on the inside of your clothed thigh. ‘’Are you sure about this?’’ He mumbled against your thigh, still pressing small pecks on the inside of your thigh as he spoke. You quickly nodded, your hands finding their way back to his hair; your fingertips running through his now slightly dry hair. ‘’Please,’’ You whispered, nibbling on your bottom lip in anticipation.

A low chuckle left his throat, pressing one last kiss onto the inside of your thigh before his hands slipped off your hips; slowly making their way toward the zipper of your pants. ‘’Since you asked so nicely,’’ He mumbled, his fingers playing with your zipper, ‘’How about we take these off?’’

His eyes met yours once again, your head bobbing up and down in a nod once more; feeling the wet patch that had formed in your underwear grow more and more with each passing second. Only smirking at you, his gaze landed on your core as he unzipped your pants before helping you pull them down your legs - leaving you with nothing but your underwear on and your shirt scrunched up by your chest. 

Jay immediately spotted the wet patch that had formed on the cotton fabric covering your hole, his cock twitching in his pants at the sight; having to hold back a groan from leaving his throat as he placed one of his fingers against your clit, slowly letting it run up and down your clothed core. 

The sudden sensation caused a gasp to trail off your lips. The back of your head hit the pillow placed behind you, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt the fabric of your underwear drag up and down your slit. ‘’Is this what a little bit of kissing does to you, hm?’’ Jay cooed, causing you to whimper as he applied some pressure to your clit. ‘’Jay,’’ You whined, your voice almost coming out in a broken whisper. Another chuckle left Jay’s lips as he used his other hand to gently stroke your thigh, leaning down to press a kiss on top of your clothed clit.

‘’I know, I know,’’ He mumbled, hooking one of his fingers under the fabric of your underwear, ‘’I’m not going to tease you, baby.’’

The nickname rolling off his tongue accompanied by the cold air hitting your now wet core as he pulled the fabric to the side caused a low moan to leave your lips, grabbing onto his hair even harder. Jay bit down on his bottom lip as your wet slit was fully revealed to him, once again letting his fingers run up and down your slit. This time, the moan that trailed off your lips as your arousal coated his finger caused him to slightly buck his hips into the mattress underneath him - finally letting his tongue come into contact with your core.

The feeling of his plump lips latching onto your clit with no warning whatsoever caused a gasp mixed together with a moan to rip through your chest, his tongue swiping against your clit causing your head to sink even further into the pillow. Using one hand to gently stroke your inner thigh while his tongue circled around your clit, a low grunt left his throat as he felt you tug at his hair even harder.

‘’Fuck,’’ You let out, taken aback by Jay’s eagerness - expecting him to go slow on you. Jay, however, had no plans on going slow on you; you wanted him to take your mind off things, didn’t you?

You suddenly felt him place his other hand by your entrance, his lips still wrapped around your clit; another low gasp leaving your lips as you felt one of his fingers trace the outside of your entrance. Jay let out a low hum of satisfaction upon feeling the amount of arousal spilling out of your hole, the vibrations causing you to arch your back.

Before you knew it, he was slipping one of his fingers into you with ease; your slick walls welcoming his finger, the feeling causing both you and Jay to let out a moan. Jay gave you no time to get used to his finger filling you up before suddenly curling it, and judging by the whimpers that were leaving your lips, Jay realized he must’ve found your g-spot.

Jay knew nothing about Sunghoon, your so-called best friend, but as he heard you whimper underneath him; he wondered if Sunghoon had ever had the opportunity to make you feel as good as he currently was.

The thought caused a burning feeling to spread across Jay’s chest, and he decided that if Sunghoon had ever made you whimper like you currently were; well, in that case, he was going to make you feel better than anyone else had ever made you feel before.

Feeling him slip yet another finger into you, another broken gasp left your lips as he began thrusting them out of you, before plunging them back into you. His tongue was still playing with your clit, the combination of both his tongue and his fingers caused you to squeeze your eyes shut as an overwhelming feeling of pleasure washed over you. 

‘’Jay,’’ You moaned, feeling a familiar knot beginning to form in your stomach; Jay’s fingers thrusting into you while his tongue left kitten licks on your clit causing you to almost buck your hips against his face. Jay looked up at you, smirking against your cunt as he spotted your face. 

With your hair spread out on the pillow and your lips slightly parted, you looked just like what Jay had fantasized about in the darkness of his room while tugging at his own cock, broken whimpers of your name spilling past his slips each and every time. 

Only this time, it was broken whimpers of his name spilling past your lips, not the opposite; and Jay wondered if you had ever thought about him like this before, too.

Thrusting his fingers into you, he curled his fingers; both his fingertips grazing against your g-spot as he wiggled his fingers inside of you. Keeping his eyes on you, he watched as broken moans and whimpers left your lips as you tried your best to stay still; to no avail. How were you supposed to stay still, when Jay was currently fingering you unlike no one else had ever done before?

Jay held back a chuckle as he watched your chest heave up and down, your legs slightly shaking and threatening to lock him in place; not that he would’ve complained, if it was up to him, he’d spend all eternity between your legs - just to hear the sweet moans that left your lips as his tongue swiped against your clit and as his fingers got coated in your arousal. 

‘’Fuck, wish I could take a picture of you right now,’’ 

Jay’s sudden muffled confession caused you to whimper, clenching around his fingers; which most definitely didn’t go unnoticed by Jay. Cocking an eyebrow in surprise, you felt him chuckle against your cunt. ‘’Yeah? You’d like that, wouldn’t you?’’

‘’Fuck, Jay,’’ You whined in response, feeling your orgasm approaching; which Jay did, too. feeling your walls beginning to clench around his fingers was the first sign that you were close, plus the fact that you were unknowingly trying to get away from his grip; your hips lifting off the mattress every now and then as he hit just the right spot with his finger or as he sucked on your clit. 

Detaching his lips from your clit, panting from the lack of oxygen as he pressed a sloppy kiss against your inner thigh; his fingers still thrusting in and out of you. ‘’Are you close, baby?’’ He let out, to which you only nodded in response. 

You wanted to tell him how good he was, how incredibly good he was making you feel and how close you were to making a mess all over his fingers; but you simply couldn’t. Almost like you had gone mute, the words refused to leave your throat; your throat dry as you panted, trying your hardest to form a sentence. 

Jay, however, noticed how you were struggling to speak as you began to move your hips in sync with his fingers in an attempt to chase your high, the sound of the base of his fingers coming into contact with your sticky entrance filling the room combined with your heavy panting and low whimpers.

Smirking against your thigh, he placed one last kiss onto the skin of your thigh. ‘’Then be a good girl and cum for me.’’

Curling his fingers one more time, harshly wiggling them around caused the knot that had formed in your stomach to finally snap. Letting your hands fall onto your sides, grabbing onto the sheets as your orgasm washed over you in an attempt to ground yourself; a high-pitched moan ripping through your chest as Jay felt you coat his fingers with your cum. Watching as your hole swallowed his fingers, Jay bit down on his bottom lip - hoping he’d one day get to experience you clenching like that around his cock.

‘’Good girl, that’s a good girl,’’ He cooed, gently stroking your thigh as your body trembled underneath him. ‘’Look so pretty cumming for me.’’

Once he felt your body beginning to relax, he slowly slipped his fingers out of your hole; placing a soft kiss against your now sensitive clit, making you whimper as you shook your head. Sitting up straight, he wiped his mouth using the back of his hand before once again climbing on top of you. A small smile formed on his lips as he came face to face with you, the fucked out state of you making him feel accomplished.

Using the hand he hadn’t used to fuck you, he gently stroked your cheek in an attempt to make you open your eyes. His smile only widened as your eyes fluttered open, you looking up at him through low eyes; his hand running through your head to help you come down from your high. ‘’You did really good,’’ He mumbled, leaning down to press a soft kiss on top of your forehead.

His words caused a small smile to form on your lips as you wrapped both arms around his neck once again. ‘’You did really good.’’ You mumbled in response, your eyes heavy and your whole body feeling slack from the overwhelming orgasm you had just experienced.

A chuckle was heard coming from the boy above you, his fingers still threading through your now messy hair. ‘’Did I manage to take your mind off it?’’ He asked, his eyes meeting yours. You only nodded in response, too tired to properly respond - which was more than enough for Jay. Leaning down once again, he pressed a soft kiss against the corner of your mouth. ‘’How about you spend the night, hm?’’

Pulling him closer to you, his musky scent engulfed you for the nth time that day; nodding your head once more, feeling Jay press a soft kiss against your shoulder as he hummed against your skin.

While Jay definitely had managed to take your mind off Sunghoon, you hadn’t left Sunghoon’s mind; not even once, no matter how hard he had tried to distract himself. And maybe, just maybe, if Sunghoon would’ve texted you five minutes earlier that day, you actually would’ve seen the message about him asking to come over.

And maybe, just maybe, if Sunghoon would’ve texted you five minutes earlier that day, you actually would’ve seen the message about him asking to come over.

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Meet Me On The Courtyard | Spencer Reid

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Spencer getting shot in Texas, mentions of stalkers, fluff!

Words: 3.418

After living in his apartment for years, Spencer thought he would’ve seen about everything and everyone. 

But he  would’ve remembered seeing her. 

At first, Spencer thought he was dreaming, too tired from the case he had just gotten home from that it made him delusional. She was dancing across her living room in shorts and a baggy T-shirt, her hair scraped back into the messiest of buns, and a glass of wine swirling around in her hand. 

Spencer couldn’t help but smile as he watched her for a good minute until he realized how creepy he must look. 

Ever since seeing her for the first time, his eyes kept glancing back to the apartment across the courtyard. It brought a smile to his face to see her dancing around her place or pacing as she called her friends or simply mulling about her place. Witnessing as she went about her day, he felt more and more connected to her, which made him sound like a creepy voyeur. 

He didn’t quite know how to approach her. Knocking on her door wasn’t quite the option as that would come off as creepy and he didn’t have any luck of bumping into her in the lobby of their apartment building. 

On one of his rare days off, Spencer sat in his apartment, reading a book with the window open. He was laser-focused on the words he was reading until the sweet, melodic sounds of someone singing along loudly interrupted that. Confused, yet almost certain about who it was, he placed a finger between his book to keep his spot and made his way over to the window. His gut instinct was proven right once again. The girl from the apartment across from his was cleaning her apartment with her music blasting and her singing along.

“You got that James Dean daydream look in your eyeAnd I got that red lip classic thing that you likeAnd when we go crashing down, we come back every time'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of sty–”

The last note came out in a shriek as her eyes landed on the guy across the courtyard, startled by the sudden figure in the window across from her. Spencer’s own eyes widened as he realized he had made her jump before holding up his hands in an attempt at an apology. 

“Sorry! Sorry!” he said, making sure to enunciate as she probably wouldn’t be able to hear him. 

The bubbly Taylor Swift song continued in the background as she clutched at her heart, trying to get it to calm down. Spencer took the time to reach for a notepad and a pen, and wrote down a message to her. 

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you!” 

She narrowed her eyes for a moment before holding her finger up and reaching for something on the side. When she turned her head back towards him, she placed a pair of glasses on her nose to be able to read the message. Her answer came in the form of a shrug of her shoulders. 

At least she wasn’t repulsed by him. 

Spencer quickly scribbled down his next message, making sure to make his letters big enough for her to read. 

“I’m not a creepy stalker, promise.” 

A laugh bubbled up from her chest, though he couldn’t hear it due to the distance between them and the Taylor Swift song blasting in her apartment. He felt his lips curl up into a smile. He couldn’t wait to hear that laugh in real life. 

The girl held her finger up again and disappeared for a good five seconds before returning with a notepad of her own. As she wrote down her own message, Spencer noticed how a tingle traveled from his stomach all the way to his toes and to the back of his neck. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. 

“All creepy stalkers say that” 

She had drawn a winky face at the end of the sentence. Throwing his head back, Spencer let out a loud, genuine laugh. 

“Why are you talking to me then?” he wrote next. 

With a smile on her face, the girl wrote down an answer. “I have seen you around, Mr. FBI.” 

An involuntary blush crept up his cheeks. She had seen him around. She knew he was an FBI Agent. She had kept an eye on him as much as he had kept an eye out on her. The idea in itself sounded completely insane to him, but then again Spencer had once fallen in love with a girl he had never seen before. The fact that he was so infatuated with this girl without knowing her name wasn’t all that surprising, considering. 

“I’m Spencer.” Spencer wrote and drew a smiley face behind his name. 

She gave him a cutesy wave while the corners of her mouth seemed to be stuck in that ever glowing smile. “I’m Y/N.” 

Spencer offered her a wave as well, his smile mirroring hers. There was something about her that drew him to her. He wasn’t sure what it was. The smile, the bubbly persona he had witnessed over the last couple of weeks, her willingness to talk to him, her keeping an eye on him without him even noticing. All he knew for sure was that he wanted to talk to her. Face-to-face. 

Giddily, he ducked down to write his next message and when he came back up to show it to her, the message she held out for him was the exact same as what he had written for her. 

“Meet me on the courtyard?” 

His cheeks hurt from smiling so hard as he scrambled to get downstairs. His book long forgotten, he quickly put on shoes and grabbed his keys before rushing down to the courtyard where he finally saw her from up close. She was even more beautiful than he had imagined her being. 

She had exchanged her shorts for a pair of jeans and the T-shirt tucked in messily. Her messy bun had come out, allowing her locks to cascade over her shoulders like a waterfall. It was only then when Spencer noticed how beautiful her eyes were. Her eyes rivaled the sun, shimmering so brightly and provided him with so much warmth. 

“Hi,” she greeted with a tender, nervous smile. 

“Hey,” he greeted back before motioning towards the stone bench beside them. 

Chuckling, y/n took a seat and Spencer quickly followed, making sure to keep some distance between them. He didn’t want to scare her by sitting too close. They didn’t know each other at all, so giving up his personal space so soon wasn’t in the cards for him yet. 

“You have a beautiful singing voice,” he complimented, remembering her rendition of Style. 

Before she looked down at her hands in her lap, Spencer caught a glimpse of her flustered cheeks. 

“Thank you,” she said. “I-I used to be in choir when I was a kid, so… I suppose I did learn a thing or two when I was there.” Her eyes flicked up to his. “Sorry if I disturbed… Whatever you were doing.” 

Shaking his head, Spencer told her, “No, you didn’t. I was reading, but it was a nice distraction.” 

“What were you reading?” She sounded genuinely interested. 

“Something Wicked This Way Comes,” he replied honestly and her eyes brightened even more than he thought was possible. “I-It’s one of my favorites.” 

Her hand landed on his forearm in excitement as she said, “It’s mine too!” and then lapsed into her honest review of the book. Spencer clung onto every word, relaxed at the lilt of her voice and answered any and all questions she had about his opinion on the book. 

When she shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, Spencer realized how late it had gotten. The sun had started to set, casting a gloomy shadow over the courtyard. Talking to her seemed to have made the time slip away. Spencer didn’t want it to end, but neither of them had brought a sweater, so they were doomed to retreat back to their apartments sooner than either of them wanted. 

“You cold?” he asked and fought the urge to wrap his arms around her. 

She nodded her head. “Yeah, a little. But it’s fine,” she said as she suppressed a yawn. 

A chuckle rolled off his lips. “It’s fine if you wanna go inside. We’ve been talking for hours and I have to be in the office pretty early tomorrow anyway.” 

She offered him a thankful smile as she got up from the bench and he followed her example. The two of them made their way back into the lobby where she turned to him. “It was nice talking to you, Spencer. I would like to pick your genius brain more often.” 

“I’d like that,” Spencer said, his smile quickly mirroring hers again. 

After giving him a quick wave and that ever-present smile of hers, she turned on her heel and walked up the stairs to her side of the building. Spencer stayed put and watched her for a little while until he couldn’t see her anymore before retreating to his own apartment. 

Never in his life had he met someone who shared his opinions on books, who rivaled his rambling, whose intelligence made his IQ waver. In his mind, he thanked Taylor Swift for bringing them together. If it weren’t for her, Spencer doubted they would’ve ever started talking. 

That night sparked a series of events. Ever since that day, they’d meet in the courtyard every single day. Sometimes in the morning and then either one of them would roll up with fresh coffee, sometimes in the evening with cups of calming tea. 

Their meetups quickly evolved from the cold courtyard to one of their apartments. They’d watch movies, read the same books so they could talk about it afterwards even though he always finished long before she did, they made dinner for one another, … 

Whatever the day was, they’d spend it together and talk about everything and anything they could think of. Talking to her had to be his favorite way to pass time. Life suddenly made complete sense whenever Spencer was around her. No matter what sort of horror he had witnessed on the cases he worked, it all seemed to vanish from his memory whenever he met up with her again. 

And whenever Spencer was gone, she’d make sure his plants survived his absence, she got his mail so the mailbox wouldn’t overflow. Whenever she was gone for work, he would do the exact same for her. 

In the span of a few months, Y/N became Spencer’s best friend, and he couldn’t deny the feelings that had grown in his heart. 

Though he would never tell her that. 

After living in her apartment for a good year, y/n thought she would’ve seen about everything and everyone. 

But she would’ve remembered seeing him. 

She’d catch glimpses of him across the yard in his apartment, mulling about his house with a book in his hand. Every time she did, she wondered what book he was reading and what he thought of it. There was something about him that drew her attention. 

The day she caught him looking at her when she was dancing around her living room whilst cleaning and belting along to Taylor Swift, was the best day. She loved how easy it was to talk to him and how intelligent he was. She loved picking his brain and listening to all the facts he knew about the most random things. 

Becoming friends with Spencer Reid was about the best thing that could’ve happened to her. 

He was there for her on her bad days as much as she was there for his. When the two of them spent time together, time seemed to just slow down and everything around them vanished. When it was the two of them together, nothing else mattered. 

Over the course of a couple of months, y/n couldn’t deny the chills she got with every single touch, how her brilliance simply turned to dust whenever he merely smiled at her. 

While Spencer was out on a case in Texas, y/n went down to his apartment often after work to water his plants and get his mail out. Though he told her not to do it, y/n was happy to. Sometimes, she’d even leave little sticky notes or she’d leave him the book she’d just read, so he could read it too. 

She was in his apartment when she received a call from Jennifer Jarau, Spencer’s co-worker. Y/N had seen Spencer’s co-workers a couple of times before, but never had they called her before. Her heart plummeted to her stomach. The fact that JJ was calling her didn’t scream ‘good news’. 

“JJ?” Y/N spoke into the phone, her voice dripping with confusion. 

JJ sighed, “Y/N… I, uhm… Spence, he–” 

The mail slipped out of her hands, envelopes scattering everywhere. Her mind was racing with questions and scenarios. She couldn’t imagine what was going on with Spencer, but she knew her best friend was hurting and she wasn’t there. 

“What happened?” she asked and without hesitation, she headed back to her own place while JJ explained what had happened. 

There wasn’t much y/n understood about what happened. All she heard was ‘open fire’, ‘gun shot’, ‘Spence got hit in the neck’, ‘surgery’. It was enough for her to understand she needed to head to Texas. 

“Text me which hospital he’s in. I’m coming to Texas,” y/n told JJ and after JJ’s agreement, y/n hung up and rushed out of her apartment with everything she needed. With her heart beating in her throat, y/n took the next best flight over to Texas and rushed towards the hospital JJ had texted her. 

Y/N wasn’t even too sure where she was going. With fear and anxiety selectively blinding her, she made a beeline for the front desk. 

“Spencer. Spencer Reid. I’m looking for Spencer Reid,” she told the woman behind the desk. 

“Y/N!” JJ’s familiar voice called and as y/n turned around, JJ ran up to her with worry flooding her eyes. The blonde wrapped her arms around her, allowing her lungs to deflate with the breath she had been holding. 

“How is he? Is he okay?” y/n asked in one breath. 

“Yeah, he’s just out of surgery. You can go see him.” 

A single tear rolled down y/n’s cheek before she stepped away from JJ. “Thank you for calling me.” 

“Spence asked for you,” JJ told her honestly. “When-when he was in the ambulance. He asked for you.” 

Letting out a shaky breath, y/n tried a careful smile. She was scared if she allowed her lips to fully curl up, it would take Spencer away from her. 

“Go,” JJ encouraged, softly pushing her towards Spencer’s room.

With a nervous pep in her step, y/n made her way towards Spencer. She could feel the nerves bundle up in her chest. Though she knew what had happened, she didn’t know how she was going to find him. She halted in the doorway, her eyes landing on Spencer, who was lying in the hospital bed with a gauze patched to the right side of his neck. He looked peaceful as he slept, though I noticed the bags under his eyes. Somehow, he still managed to look beautiful. 

“Y/N,” Penelope whispered when her eyes landed on me. Alex turned in her chair, offering me a kind smile whilst the peppy blonde embraced me in a tight hug. 

“How’s he doing?” she asked, entering the room further with Penelope to move closer to Spencer. 

“Very tired and drowsy from the painkillers,” Alex replied. “He’s in and out of it.” 

Y/N simply nodded her head, telling Spencer’s co-workers that she did hear them but didn’t have the energy to really respond. Alex and Penelope exchanged glances without y/n even noticing, and they got up and left the room to leave her alone with Spencer. 

Inching closer towards the patient, y/n wiped away a tear before using the same hand to stroke his hair out of his face. “God dammit, Spence,” she whispered, sniffling. 

Spencer’s lashes fluttered against his cheeks before she was allowed a peek at his honey-colored eyes again. A lazy smile landed on his lips. “Y/N,” he mumbled and shifted slightly, but then immediately hissed at how painful the movement was. 

“Hey, relax,” she cooed. Her hand moved back through his hair. “How are you feeling?” 

“Better now that I see you.” His voice sounded thick with sleep as he stopped her hand from going through his hair and kissed her palm. “Can’t believe you came.” 

Wiping her thumb against his cheek, she offered him a sad smile. “Of course I came. You got hurt.” 

“I love you,” he admitted drowsily before falling back to sleep. 

Y/N’s heart skipped a few beats at the sweet confession coming from his sleepy lips. Though he could still mean the words in a platonic way, it still made her insides go putty. 

The admission haunted her mind for a good day until she got him home safe and sound, and she could ask about it. A bundle of nerves settled in her chest as she placed Spencer’s bag down and helped him settle on the sofa. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked sweetly as she handed him a glass of water and his painkillers. 

Spencer groaned a little before taking the medication. “I’m all right, you know, considering.” He offered her a tender smile. “Thank you for being here.” Reaching over, Spencer enveloped her hand in his, entwining their fingers together. 

“Spence… Can I ask you something?” Spencer hummed in response. “In the hospital… You told me… You told me you loved me. I-I’m just not sure what to make of it?” 

The corners of his mouth curled up. “Do you remember the first time we met? How I was looking at you through the window like a true stalker?” 

“Gave me a heart attack,” y/n chuckled, trying to read his honey eyes to try and figure out where he was going with this. 

“I had stolen a couple glimpses at you before that, too. When you were just mulling about your apartment or when you danced around the living room with a glass of wine or when you cooked… I didn’t know your name and I hadn’t seen you up close yet, but from watching you just live your life, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I’ve been infatuated with you ever since and getting to know you – actually getting to know you, up close and personal – it just made that infatuation grow to a love so pure and so grand, that I couldn’t keep that secret to myself anymore. I’ve fallen in love with you, y/n. And you don’t need to feel compelled to say it back. It’s fine if you don’t. I just– I figured you should know.” 

Tears lined y/n’s eyes as she listened to him talk. No one in her short life had ever told her words quite as beautiful as his. It warmed her heart and melted it into a puddle. She had been so scared to tell him how she really felt, scared he wouldn’t feel the same, scared it would ruin the friendship. All while he was feeling the exact same thing. 

“I love you too, Spence.” The words came out in a whisper as though it was a secret. 

“You don’t have to–” 

“I have to,” she cut him off quickly. “Because it’s true. You’re not the only one with stalker-tendencies, Mr. FBI,” y/n joked, causing him to let out a laugh, only for him to hiss in pain straight after. 

“Laughing hurts,” he whined. “Don’t make me laugh again.” 

Smiling, y/n leaned in closer and as her lips ghosted his, she whispered, “I can’t make such promises.” 

And then y/n kissed her best friend on the couch of his apartment. The one right across from hers. 

If they hadn’t decided to meet on the courtyard so many months ago, neither of them would experience the bliss that was kissing one another. 

And all because of a Taylor Swift song. 

Everything taglist: @calamitykaty @littlemissaddict @n0wornever @wanniiieeee @unnowhatthisistbh

[lacyscabinet]

Taking care of Nat after she got into a fight with her dad, please bless us with your writing (sorry if there is anything wrong, english is not my first language)

A/N: Hiii!!! you literally read my mind because i've been thinking about writing this one-shot for a while (also "bless us with your writing"!? Ur too kind <3) hope you like it!!!!

MASTERLIST

Safe

It was a regular Saturday night, the soft chill of fall outside, a big contrast to the warmth of your house. Music was playing softly in the background, you scribbling in your notebook bobbing your head to the beat.

In your peaceful state you almost didn't notice the faint tapping on your window, curiously you perked your head up and noticed small pebbles being thrown at the glass.

Already knowing who it was, you got up and closer to the window, there she was, Natalie, your girlfriend

She was looking up at you and you couldn't help but notice her tear stained face, messy hair and...was that a bruise on her face?

You rushed to the front door, opening it quickly and motioning for your girlfriend to come in, after that you took her hand and led Nat upstairs trying not to wake up your parents, long asleep.

Closing the door behind you when you reached your room, you finally looked at her in the eyes, the once bright and full of life orbs you loved to stare at, now were just full of fear and sadness, and yes, that was definitely a bruise on her upper cheek

One of your hands fell on her waist and the other stroked her cheekbone, in an attempt to soothe the purple bruise

"What happened baby?" You asked, already knowing the answer

She looked down, Natalie never liked being vulnerable in front of someone, so when tears threatened to spill out again she lowered her eyes

"He was mad, he was mad and I was listening to music, he said it was too loud...and then..." her voice broke

"Hey hey... it's okay, it's okay now, you're here" you whispered, pulling her in for a hug, nestling her head on your shoulder Nat let out a loud sob

You held her tightly, stroking her hair and rocking back and forth trying to provide her some needed comfort

You didn't speak, the only noises were the loud sobs and heavy breaths coming from Natalie as she let all her pent up emotions out, she was the one who broke the silence

"I can't, I can't do this anymore, I'm so tired, so so so tired" she spoke between sobs

At that point, you decided in your head that it was time to do something "You are not going back there, you're spending the night" it wasn't a question, it was an announcement, your tone soft but firm at the same time "You're safe here"

At those words she pulled away from the hug and looked straight in your eyes "Thank you y/n" she said with a weak voice

You simply kissed her forehead "You can stay as much as you need Nat, but we can think about it in the morning, it's late and you need to rest baby"

Moving to your bed, you opened the covers, letting her climb in before you, and when you joined her she instantly wrapped her arms around you

"Nah nah" you said quickly, turning around "You're the little spoon today"

You saw a soft genuine smile on her lips as she turned around, waiting for you to cuddle her, and you did, you held her close and peppered kisses on her cheek, keeping her warm and safe.

[slytherinshua]

NAPTIME

genre. fluff. warnings. kissing. soohyun is sleep deprived (what else is new). one suggestive joke if you squint like your life depends on it. pairing. soohyun x fem!reader. wc. 756. a/n. tagging @wheeboo cause i actually need her to see the cuteness that i have just created im literally crying.

“Soohyun, it’s naptime.” You stated, grabbing the notebook that he was scribbling in from his hands.

“What?” He stared at you, trying his best to keep his stare as just that without it morphing into a glare. He didn’t like glaring at you. He could glare at anybody else, but not you. 

“You worked the night shift last night. You didn’t get home until 3 am.”

“How do you know that?” 

“Door sensor. I set it up so it goes to my phone too.” You said simply, swiftly dodging Soohyun’s attempts at getting his notebook back.

“Y/n, that’s practically spying on me!” He complained.

“Well… you give me no choice when you work the entire night! I’m just worried about you.” You sighed, “I’m allowed to be worried about my boyfriend and his lack of sleep.”

“I don’t want you worrying about me, though.” 

“Don’t you worry about me?” You asked him. You were scanning through the pages of his notebook, most of which were filled with his organised notes in his small handwriting. As you flipped to the next page, you didn’t find it filled with lecture notes, but instead was a checklist.

Things I want to do with Y/n.

1 - spend our 6 month anniversary together

2 - go on regular dates

3 - tell her I love her

Soohyun snatched the notebook back before you could read any further, slamming it shut and forcing it into his backpack, “Of course I worry about you.” He stammered.

You smiled, “You’re so hypocritical. You always nag me about sleeping and eating and going outside. You don’t expect me to also nag?” He stayed silent, pursing his lips. “I told you, it’s naptime, and if you don’t want to be labelled a hypocrite again, you’ll do what I say.” 

“What do you want me to do?” His eyes followed you as you stood up from your chair and walked to your bed.

“Come here.” You sat down, patting the space on the bed next to you. Soohyun seemed hesitant, but he followed your direction regardless, sitting next to you on the bed.

“No. Lie down. And take off your jacket, you’ll be uncomfortable with it on.”

Soohyun turned to you, “Are you sure this isn’t just a trick to get me to take my clothes off?”

“No! Just do what I say. Gosh, you’re so stubborn.” You huffed, staring Soohyun down until he was laying down like you wanted him to. Once he was, you let yourself lay down as well, on your side and facing him.

He rested his head on the pillow, cheek cutely squishing against the surface of it. Staring at you with his dark eyes, he let his lips curve up into a smile. You smiled back at him until you could see his dimples pop out.

“What do we do now?” He whispered.

“Nap. I just want you to get some sleep.”

“What about you?” 

“I can sleep too. Sleeping is spending quality time with each other, you know.” You reasoned.

“Are you really that worried about me? Naptime? I’m not a toddler.” He muttered.

You giggled, “Sometimes you act like it, though. You’re unreasonably stubborn. You don’t do what other people say either.”

“I do what you say.” 

“Only because I’m just as stubborn as you.” You smiled and extended your hand to his forehead, brushing away a few stray strands of hair. He closed his eyes on instinct. “That’s right. You need sleep. Keep them closed. I’ll talk to you until I invade your dreams.”

Soohyun tried to suppress his smile, but his dimples gave him away. You continued to speak softly, telling small anecdotes about the past weeks— anything that could act as soft background noise to help lull your boyfriend to sleep. It seemed to work well, and once you thought he was asleep, you shifted closer to him. 

“I know I worry about you a lot…” You whispered, “But it’s only because I love you so much.” 

“Me too.”

Your eyes widened, “Soohyun, I thought you-”

“I love you too.” He opened his eyes only slightly, just enough to be able to locate your lips before he was kissing you slowly. You didn’t protest at all— you were quick to kiss him back. It was only when the kiss naturally came to its end that you got back your stubbornness.

“Are you going to sleep now?”

He hummed quietly, pulling you even closer to him until you were nestled near his chest. “Now we can sleep.”

↳ k-drama taglist: @yeonjuns-redhair,, @wolfmoonmusic,, @edensgardenn

[violetmuses]

Black Rose || Chapter 17

Author’s Note: This chapter includes violence, strong language, angst, dark themes, and other possibly triggering content. Please read at your own risk.

Black Rose - Masterlist 🖤

J Krew: @nerdysuperchick @a-reader-and-a-writer @babblydrabbly @lacontroller1991 @shadowkittybucky @loverhymeswith @justin-hammers @weallhaveadestiny @xoxabs88xox @katjnordstrom96  @skvatnavle @mayhem24-7forever @lilisangel @peakyrogers @sociiallydiisoriiented @heresathreebee

====

2013

Eric Moretti 

Not long after the wedding, I returned home, already trying to bring back some semblance of one normal life. Over that weekend, I hid near outskirts of the beach while Cyrus married an angel. My brother smiled with her more than ever before. 

“What do you want?” My therapist, this bookworm counselor who sat across from me while sitting in the room, scribbling notes in some journal that backlogged with old information. If it wasn’t for my military background, I would’ve never gone.  

“Peace.” I clipped the word, still struggling to respond without giving too much away. Explaining trauma to a stranger made no sense, especially when this so-called professional knew next to nothing about my own life. Talking to mirages. 

“How are things going with Cyrus?” The therapist asked, nodding through silence before scribbling in that journal again. 

“As well as you can get. I wasn’t invited to the wedding, but we’re a lot better off now. He moved in with his wife, too.” I attempted, sitting up in the chair and clearing my throat. 

“And your mother?” The therapy went, not scribbling much this time. Another round of silence reached the room. 

“Okay, I guess. No major fights.” I kept the answer vague, but knew that Toby and Cyrus would always be Mom’s golden boys. 

“What about you and Troy?” Another question, this time probing my childhood best friend. 

“To be honest, I’m probably the most solid with Troy than anyone else that you just mentioned.” I almost scoffed. “He’s more like family to me than Russ at this point.” 

“That’s good.” The therapist understood, but wrote down more details. I could only imagine what had been summed up. 

“Look, I’ve booked an hour with you ever since the court mandated this shit after my service. If you can’t crack the code, I might as well leave. Feels like we’re wasting time.” I simmered within, hoping to speed up the process quickly instead. 

“I move at your pace, Eric. The more you’re willing to tell me, the more likely you can heal. Help me move along the process with you.” The therapist finally offered insight, giving clarity. 

“Where do I start, Doc? If we even look at my old notes, you’ve probably seen hundreds of foster kid tales and armed service backstories anyway. What’s the point of me speaking up again?” I shook my head, but didn’t overreact. 

“You still have a voice, Eric. Know that speaking up matters, even when other people describe similar things.” The therapist went on, advising me once more. “Are you jealous of your brothers?” 

“Yeah. I’ve always wondered why Mom favored them over me. Hell, Cyrus is only the middle child between all three of us and she acts as if he’s the First Born.” I lowered my voice, trying not to lose composure. “Now, it’s like Mom treats me as a stranger. We act kind to each other, but she doesn’t feel like my parent.” 

“Have you ever asked your mother why the dynamics could be so different?” My therapist questioned. 

“Everyone loves people in different ways, but I feel left alone, always have been. It’s difficult to talk with her because we don’t even see each other very often.” I offered the truth. 

“Maybe you could try reaching out more often.” Doc continued, but handed over this brief smile. “Take small steps.” 

“Even a phone call from me might spook her. My mother’s more likely to pick up when Bianca sends out text messages, y’know?” I cringed, knowing that her daughter-in-law bonded more than me, her own biological son.  

“Do you believe that your mother is still afraid to connect with you on a deeper level because of your father’s passing?” Doc finally reached for the jugular and hit one benchmark. 

“Yes.” I affirmed. 

________

“Russ?” I dialed a few days later, taking small steps with my brother before even attempting to reach Mom right away. 

“Hey. I’m at the grocery store with B. What’s going on?” Cyrus beamed on the other line and I could only imagine how his smile looked in person since the wedding. 

“Don’t wanna take up too much of your time, but I was wondering if you two wanted to join me and a few friends for dinner this weekend.” I offered that genuine question and tried to smile on my own despite sitting in the living room by myself. 

“Thanks for the offer, but Drew’s birthday is coming up and we’re all going out for dinner then. Maybe next time, E.” Russ declined, but at least sounded grateful. 

“Oh, no problem.” I stayed cordial. “Sending birthday wishes for Drew. Bye.” I hung up this phone call, feeling slightly defeated. 

_______

With no other choice but to brush off that call with Cyrus, I found out that Drew earned quite the birthday celebration based on social media posts. Russ offered access due to our small steps, which allowed me to “follow” his friends in return. 

In videos or photos, glasses clinked while everyone grinned, proving just how much Cyrus and Drew were linked. The Butler family and friends join in, beaming as if Cyrus was actually born with Drew in the same ward. Even Bianca laughed along. 

All I ever wanted was to feel openly included with him like that, accepted near him instead of dodged. Friends would come and go, but family meant something to me, especially when Russ and Tobias were still alive. Happy, too. 

While cooking dinner alone, I noticed that subtle turns of my front door had echoed from behind. 

I didn’t know what to think, but cut off the stove and picked up my nearest firearm, secretly permitted to carry as long as no one called out my criminal past. 

I’d only given one spare apartment key to Troy, so someone else must've tried to pick the lock this time around. 

“You should really get that door fixed, Eric. Put the gun down.” Ray Hugo showed the audacity to stand in the middle of my living room and lift up one bobby pin. 

“What are you doing here?” I lowered my voice, but unloaded the gun as he requested. There was no need to fight back and risk getting killed for good. 

“Wanted to talk, especially since you didn’t help me out last weekend.” 

“Told you before Ray, I wasn’t going to ruin the best day of their lives. Russ deserves to be happy. Why don’t you understand that?” I defended my brother, trying to reason with the monster who stood in front of me. This same monster hurt Mom and killed my father.

“Look, your mother only coddled him because of where we lived. To be honest with you kid, I never really liked our city anyway.” Ray dared to scoff, pacing back and forth. 

“Coddled?” I furrowed my brow. “Russ is one of the toughest men I’ve ever met, with or without family ties.” 

“He only turned into this wannabe thug because it’s the only way folks didn’t kill you on sight.” Ray uttered bullshit, completely skipping over how much people bullied him growing up.

“Are you saying that he appropriated culture?” I questioned. 

“Of course. Without the tattoos, a Black wife, and so-called mafia power in the city, he’s just another White Boy, no different than you.” Ray lowered his voice, still giving out nonsense. 

“Sounds like you're insecure, Ray. My therapist says that folks start projecting onto other people when they don’t like reality.” I folded both arms, admitting the truth. 

“Don’t give me that psychological bullshit. No amount of time with some bookworm shrink could excuse your sins. Deal with God like everyone else, kid.” Ray shook his head. 

“You have no idea what I’ve been through. Now, I know exactly why Mom left your ass.” I backpedaled from him, still feeling pissed off. “Only think about yourself.” 

“No. If it wasn’t for you being born, I’d have my family back.” Ray was almost delusional now and blamed me for Mom’s happiness after their divorce. 

“You’ve lost your mind.” I said. 

“Not yet.” Out of nowhere, Ray took out his cell phone and slid it towards me across the coffee table. 

At that moment, I lifted the phone and realized that there was a picture of Cyrus cuddling a puppy with the biggest smile on his face. Even his wedding band gleamed while his knuckle showed. 

“What did you do to my brother?” I nearly growled. Enough was enough. “What the hell do you even want from us?” 

Just when I believed that Ray would finally give me an answer, one piercing gunshot ran out. 

His dying body almost immediately fell backward and thudded right onto my carpeted floor. 

I glanced over my shoulder to see Bianca holding the firearm. 

[thisistostalkcb]

This is first thing I wrote - It's meant to be dairy of conflicting perspectives with then John's reality next. Its' been overall finished but not edited and I lost interest. But, yes,early writings, I'm better now.

To: ***********@hotmail.com

From: ******** @hotmail.com

Subject: Day 1 Date: Sat, 3 Sep 2014 23:53:06 +0000

Dear Rory,

It’s been a long time since I’ve compiled anything close to a diary. My last endeavour abruptly ended after an insidious ploy by my delightful Mother. She had found the collection of my scribbled, teenage angst under my bed and resolved to wait until we had all sat down at the dinner table during a heavily attended family Christmas party to publicly shame me.

My fourteen year old face burned that familiar and excruciating shade of beetroot we’ve all come to know as my uncle teased me about kissing a boy; an ugly one at that. Brighter I turned as Nana cackled loudly at my silly, unimportant crush on Mr Duffy, the incoherent, soon to be fired High School English teacher. The room grew deafly silent when Mummy dearest arrived at the page dedicated to my first period. Self-awareness failing her, she didn’t pick up on the awkward vibe. Assuming the room was still captivated by her detailed narration, she continued to read as the cranberry sauce began to look less and less appealing in everybody’s eyes.

The pain of that evening has stayed with me into my adult years. It feels as raw now as it did nine years ago, but I know that to get over a traumatic experience one must confront and relive it. I can confirm that as I type each syllable to you ; I still hear Nana’s howling mockery echo through the halls within my mind. I hope that soon, it will fade.

Little do they know but I bedded that English teacher not long after the journal entry was composed. He was my first…he was probably a lot of people’s firsts

It was wonderful to see you again. I had been beginning to think you were avoiding me if I’m entirely honest. It sounds silly now, especially after yesterday, I know, but in fairness, it did take you two months to respond in any way to my many communication attempts...

As you can see, I’ve given your suggestion that I maintain a diary to keep track of when and where things ‘spiral’ (as you put it) some thought. Considering that previous advice from your dainty, little mouth hasn’t steered me too wrong thus far, I have reached the decision that you are right. Don’t be too quick to take the fact that I have succumbed to your hippy ways as an entire victory; I have elected you to replace the tired and outdone method of penning oneself a secret journal. I do believe your perspective can shed light on where I might be going wrong in my life, a far cheaper alternative to the shrink’s couch.

I am sorry to report that I had predicted correctly and John is going to do exactly the same. Once again he fails to defy convention and follows me into the abyss. Each and every day I struggle to cope with these habitual imitations of me. I lose a small portion of myself every time he mimics my speech, takes up another of my hobbies or repeats my ideas back to me as if they are his own. I picture a Greek statue slowly being chiselled away with no ability to defend itself. I am trapped with no way to retaliate against, John, the passive destroyer. My fear is that soon there will be nothing left to take, that one day I shall look at him only to see my own proud reflection staring back at me and all I will feel in that moment is defeat.   

He insists that you must read ‘his version’ of events. I find it difficult to understand why he feels this way, I take a lot of care to avoid him most days, I don’t want him involved in my life anymore, over the period you have been absent he has transformed into nothing but a flatmate to me. There is no more need for versions than there is for him to be well stocked with sanitary pads. Humour him I suppose, he’ll give up soon, he rarely sticks with anything for more than two days.

Anyway, it’s been a long, tiresome day but before I get into it you need some background.

I’m not sure if you will remember but last year I came very close to converting to Mormonism. I had a lucky escape to say the least. I have never been one for ascribing to religious beliefs, not that I’m an atheist, far from it but it’s quite possible that growing up in Northern Ireland instilled in me the deep rooted distrust I have of all doctrines. Soldiers patrolled the streets outside my home with machine guns, the news displayed murder after murder in the name of both side’s one true God. To a child’s brain it was nothing more than a grown up version of ‘my dad could beat your dad in a fight’ and this child didn’t want anything to do with the pettiness it invoked.

‘My God says that you’re wrong, you shouldn’t wear fancy hats while declaring love and peace to all!’

‘Well my God says you shouldn’t wear condoms, for humanities sake, eternal love to everyone who believes!’

BANG, BANG! You’re both dead. What was the point in that?

No longer a child, I realise it’s not quite so simple but being aware of something will not always change your point of view. This is still how I feel on any religion that is shoved in my face no matter how eloquently it’s done.

I wish I could say that my phase in the Mormon community was based on a love of God or the fear of being baked alive in hell but sadly, it wasn’t. Quite pathetically it was lust that drew me so near to giving up my eternal soul. His name was Eli Benton (we were to call him Elder Benton), he was a missionary.

Everyone has heard of missionaries. Not much different to the ‘do-gooder’ types; those kind, caring, helpful people we all encounter. Whose main objective in life seems to be to show up every other person within earshot as the inconsequential, vapid human beings that they truly are.

You find these people hiding behind the perfect guise of wanting to help those less fortunate but you and I both know - real people like us know - that the only wishes these folk have ever really had, their deep down and inner most desires, are to feel smug and big. The receptionist who brought you coffee as you waited even though no-one asked, she wasn’t smiling because she was happy to have helped. That’s a conceited smile.

Look carefully, it’s the same smile as that self-satisfied bastard who will stop without thought to offer a wet stranger a lift because it's raining heavily. It’s precisely the look I see right now, as I glance out my window to watch the show that is: ‘My neighbour drags MY bin to the front of house for collection’, the amount of noise she makes to draw attention to the fact she is performing a good deed is almost laughable.

Once she knows everyone’s watching, once she sees the curtains twitch, she releases her grip and wipes her hands, the smug smile dons her ‘Mumsyesque’ face and she retreats back indoors. Show’s over, everyone has seen her contribution to humanity today, time to go inside and bake pies for the homeless or whatever the fuck she does up there.

 Missionaries are these people but on an industrial scale multiplied by Jesus. For some people that may be a good thing. For me, of course, it had to become a fiasco of woe.

The problem was not:                niceness X Jesus = bad times

The problem is:                      niceness X Hot guys in suits = Obsession

Mormon missionaries are somewhat more bizarre than the ordinary Christian missionaries you find littering Africa with wells. They are salesmen, arriving at your door with just one, small thing in their sights, your soul.

In the half a year I dabbled in the religion I had not met one peddler who wasn’t an incredibly good looking young man. I am without doubt that whoever it was who came up with the guidelines for the missionary program all those years ago was a very shrewd business man indeed. They are well groomed, purposely trained; suit donning individuals aged 18-25. Sent out unto the world two by two to convert as many as they can to the cult, I’m sorry, religion. These men are the double O sevens of the missionary world. Sauvé and sophisticated, they take their martinis shaken, not stirred…and virgin.

Moments before I had opened the door to them I found myself in despair. My life was nothing but an empty void. One half was my five gay flatmates’ non stop partying. I can’t deny that I enjoyed it but every hangover after the last only intensified the feelings of cold emptiness and hard regret.

The other half was university, a place where I had refused to let a short, angry tutor scream in my face. He told me I was a moron because I didn’t want to make art the way he said I should. The idiotic cretin within me had said no, art should be an expression of the self. A way in which you can show the world your own point of view, I stood up for my idealisms, my downfall soon followed. I was told by another, ‘impartial’ tutor that the rest were now my enemies who could not wait to see me crash flat on my stupid face. I had stuck it out for months after that; the snide looks, the unhelpful remarks but that morning I was told that if I didn’t e-mail a timetable of when I would be in the studios each day including which part I was planning on working in I would be considered for removal. It seemed harsh.

‘Timetable attached’

‘This is not acceptable, a ten O’clock start will not do. I have told you that you need to be in before nine if you want to talk to Simon about woodworking’

My tutor replied.

I didn’t need nor want woodworking, I had never mentioned it, and he had told me nothing of the sort. It wasn’t brought up. Why would that have been brought up?

Staring at the e-mail in confusion I felt an overriding sense of being controlled along with the small concern that Mr Allan had developed early on-set Alzheimer’s. I was done. I sat on the sofa staring at the nausea inducing wallpaper trying to think of ways I could torch the building without being reprimanded when the doorbell rang.

I turned my back on all my problems as I opened my door to see them. Surrounding me was nothing but poison yet here in front of me were two smiling, pretty faces.

“Do you want to be with your family forever?”

Feeling particularly homesick I answered “yes” and thus my Mormon era began.

As we spoke John appeared at the door exhibiting his usual aggressive mannerisms. The two men moved back a pace with concern; they looked to me to calm him as if he was my dog. Interactions such as these entertain me greatly. I have grown weary of the grand pedestal society has squatted itself on top of.  We, as humans outrank all other species. Our technology, agriculture and Parisian fashion shows we are much better than those savage beasts that roam the lands. We have left behind the animalistic world, we are more. To me we are not; I see every human as an unpredictable barbaric monster who has simply been tamed by civilisation.  When I witness that primal fear in others, it shows me that I am not alone in my uneasiness around strangers, and at least on a subconscious level they are with me.

However, the hostility John was showing came less from any sort of ancient, animalistic intuition and more the modern understanding that any religious sect would oppose his filthy gayness. They did, of course, but my main issue was that these kind men were not allowed in a woman’s house without another male there as a witness. Women will cry rape unless they are supervised, silly, inferior women with their small female brains…tut, tut. It didn’t take me long to get John on side, even the smallest debate will turn him to my way of thinking. As much as I decry his eternal mimicking of me, it does have it's advantages, the main one being that I can convince him to do anything I want within the hour.

The Elders that appeared that fateful day were Elder Kim and Elder Clinton. Elder Kim; a long, tall cup of yellow, his body covered in unblemished skin topped with a head of jet black hair. Almond eyes sat encrusted in a bone structure people would kill for, his outward appearance expressed perfection. Being a six foot three American of Chinese descent, he had that picturesque exotic-oriental look without any of the unwanted trappings of actually being something peculiar and foreign.

You could argue America is a foreign place to those who live in England and, you’d be right but I watch American T.V. all the time, that accent is not alien to me. I am not a xenophobe, I think, but if I stumbled upon a handsome man during a random happenstance only to find him speaking in broken English, I would lose my original great impression.

‘What size are your feets?’ They’d ask.

‘There is no ‘S’ on feet you dirty mongrel, it’s already plural. Get out of here!’ I shout back as I bash their head with my straw broom.

That’s just the Turks; don’t even get me started on the French, ugh.

Unfortunately, Elder Kim had the same charisma that has long been associated with the blessing of a striking visage. He found everything ‘lame’ in some sort of hopeless last ditch attempt to fabricate a personality. He was the cool guy, too good for everything, bored by the lot. In juxtaposition to how tedious conversations with him were I found this lack of joie de vivre to be considerably fascinating. In a world where Gaga reigns supreme and being yourself seems to mean you shouldn’t ever have your tongue inside your own mouth banality can be thrilling…but that still didn’t make him cool.

Along with Elder Kim was his companion, Elder Clinton, my main attraction to this new way of life. Although at the time I couldn’t see it, he was a tiny little thing. Around the same height as me which, at 5ft 3 and a half is not impressive. But his face was that of an angel, by far one of the most beautiful faces I had ever had the pleasure to lay eyes upon, up there within the ranks of DiCaprio. His suit dwarfed his puny frame as if his Mother had picked it out hoping he would grow into it. He never did but let the woman dream. He had an infectious and optimistic view on life and his smile would light up any room which I know is a cliche usually saved for the dead but this man really had it.  It was not to be, after three weeks, Elder Clinton’s enthusiastic influence was snatched from me when he was transferred to Hull. That night I sat in a candlelit room guzzling wine, writing bad poetry and declared that missionaries wouldn’t be allowed back in my house.

Two weeks on, during one stormy, darkened eve mid February as I sat at the table eating a sandwich I’d acquired for the low, low price of twenty two pence the bell rang. I sprung up to answer it. Back then someone at my door was always a potential friend. Now, it’s a debt collector and I am never in, ever.

With one hand I pulled open the heavy, black portal while clutching onto my precious sandwich with the other. The strong rain that I had heard batter the windows for hours became louder in my ears as the gap between me and the outside world widened, I could smell the monsoon. It beat down on the pavement hard; I looked to see two figures stood before me huddled under a small, black umbrella. Tall men in suits, it was Elder Kim with Clinton’s replacement – Elder Benton. I ogled them both as I continued to munch on my not so exquisite dinner; Elder Kim introduced me to the new guy. I wondered why they were here after all this time without contact. Why come back, Kim?

Just as in any typical un-stereotypical love story I wasn’t impressed by this ‘Elder Benton’ in the slightest. He was nothing like Elder Clinton and I knew he couldn’t replace him in my fantasies. He stood shoulder to shoulder with the model man but that was unimportant. Instead of my splendid little crush here stood an ogre. His forehead protruded so much that I could notice it from the front, his mouth was the wrong way round, like someone stuck Mr Potato head's mouth back on upside down.  This man was eye broccoli rather than any sort of candy.

‘So…can we come in?’ asked Kim interrupting my train of thought.

They looked cold and desperate to escape the rain. It would have been too cruel to turn them away. I opened the door fully and they followed me into the living room. Not that they would have gotten much relief, our house was so cold you could see your breath most days. The walls were sticky and teaming with damp. The most welcoming feature, for me personally, was the weighty metal bars structured across all windows. They summed up the neighbourhood quite well, in a word…stabby.

Over the next hour we sat with the Elders receiving stories from Elder Benton’s past mission encounters. He was unintentionally funny, everything he said made me laugh or worse, giggle. He spoke with an enchanting and comical exuberance. I noted that he sat and walked like a robot; rigid, metallic and without any kind of graceful fluidity.  His goofy laugh saturated the living room as his upside down mouth turned the right way up. It was clear to me that he was highly intelligent, some sort of genius maybe, and he had a perfect hint of crazy in his eyes. He reminded of your quintessential mad scientist; I likened him to a young Einstein sans wild hair. His hair was perfect.

Yes, perhaps some ignorant and terribly idiotic individuals might say he’s horrifyingly ugly, but to me he is something much more than beauty and far beyond grotesque. Something I have always discovered delight in – Elder Benton is Jolie-Laide. Ah, Jolie-Laide, like the aye-aye with it’s disfigured digits and haunting eyes or a Howard Hogkins’ painting; at first glance it seems like a child has heaved paint nonchalantly onto a canvas but look once more, a little deeper, further, and that mess you see turns into every extraordinary thing you have ever witnessed with your tired, human eyes. When something Jolie-Laide comes into your life I’ll be damned if you are ever able look away again.

I casually shut the door behind them saying polite goodbyes when they left then charged to the window to watch Elder Benton walk away. I knew then that I’d liked him more than I’d liked anybody after such a short period of time. I’d been cast with a witches spell, it was love, I suppose.

Of course, John (who has not been attracted to anyone bar you since I met him) had to like him too. To me, he looked agitated by at least a third of what Elder Benton had uttered from his mouth but alas, with no evidence, he loved him. That was when it became apparent to me that he is determined to take over and rule every feeling that I have. Naturally, I have questioned why this may be his grandest and possibly only ambition yet but I haven’t arrived at any definitive conclusions. I feel his placement in life as the middle child might have a lot to with it.

I had magical fantasies of walking with Eli hand in hand on the beach. When the night ended he would kiss me on the cheek goodbye and I would sprint home squealing with happiness as my heart erupted. John’s fantasies were that of rape.  

I fell farther in like with Elder Eli Benton as time crept on. I would include myself in any church activity going just so as I could see him. I knew he liked me too. On numerous occasions I spotted him subtly watching me as I walked through church on a Sunday morning. At Institute meetings we hid away in corners together to eat our brownies or ice cream. I felt as if I was sixteen years old when I was with him. He’d returned me to my teenage self; a shy, giggling girl overflowing with hormones. Thoughts of him kept me awake at night. I pictured him lying unable to sleep like I was, grinning from ear to ear. That was all I needed then, knowing Eli was close was enough. 

I marvelled at the Mormon people as I spent more time with them. They are a kind hearted bunch. Their welcoming smiles never falter. Family is at their core and that ethos trickles from every interaction. I liked a lot about them. I liked that I was surrounded by children from growing clans; I liked the strong sense of community. I really liked the free cookies I would be given on Friday mornings. They have a firm conviction in their faith. I envied that. I yearned to be one of them, I saw Eli and I breeding our own Mormon family but I just couldn’t believe everything they stood for.  

I figured that since it was quite implausible that I would ever be fully sucked into any religion for very long, I may as well join this one. After all, currently I was watching as an outsider with a covetous tone, I wanted something more and had nothing to lose. My mind was made up. I would be a Mormon. Mormon Keri had a ring to it.

‘Hello, I’m Keri and I’m a Mormon.’ Yeah, that sounded OK

My decision swiftly changed once I learnt that being baptised meant committing 10% of all my future and existing earnings to the sect. Number One: I am barely scraping by. Numero Dos: If I ever do gather enough to be taxed, the filthy government already has claim to it and thirdly, and most importantly: That makes Friday cookies no longer free, in fact, ridiculously overpriced. 

In truth, had I not known Elder Benton was promptly returning to the USA due to the end of his two year service, I would have persuaded myself to do it. But he was and I was freed. 

When Benton left I kept in touch with some of the people but I vowed to not go back to that church. I promised to not answer the door to missionaries nor read the Book of Mormon again. I know how that makes me sound. I’m leaving out the anguish that brought me to those decisions; I’m hiding the epiphanies, and the arguments I had to have with myself to bring me to said epiphanies. It would take too long. I let go of it all apart from Eli. Besides, he was only thing I had ever really believed in that whole time.

Next came Facebook. Of course we added each other. I wrote to him on chat a couple of times but no reply would follow. I was left with the only real thing Facebook is useful for - stalking. I followed him meticulously, never missing an update, breathing heavily as I watched in silence. I hoped that he simply didn’t use the thing instead of the more obvious answer that he wasn’t interested in me now I wasn’t a potential baptism. Alas, to my dismay, I was confronted with his constant activity, updates, photos and the like. I remember seeing one particular photo of him with his arm around a pretty girl. A jealous rage ignited in the pit of my stomach as I stared at my screen willing I could see into her soul. The perfect, peppy little virginal bitch had snagged him, her talons around his waist laughed in my face. Telling me I was an idiot to think I could ever be good enough for this clean living, intelligent human being, that I should resign myself to my own kind; substance abusers and gutter folk.

‘Is it so wrong that I dare to dream?’ I yelled at the screen just before clicking her profile.

‘Sara Benton’ she was his sister, I breathed a sigh of relief.  

Now I was back to the cold, joyless reality that he was ignoring me without reason. To be ignored, to be treated as if you don’t and never have existed, is an insidious form of mental torture. Despite how cruel it may seem, it is always much kinder to tell someone that you have no intention that they be in your life any longer, that it all meant nothing and that you just lied to them. You are a coward if you don’t. At least then they can move on instead of spending hours pondering. Of course, if he had told me that I wouldn’t have let go instantly but a few angry e-mails later and it would be done. My feelings would dissipate; I wouldn’t have had hope to spur me on.

Usually, hope along side ignorance turns me into a psychotic character. One who grows an intense strength of will if only to satisfy my own ego. Plans emerge, plans fuelled on hate, plans governed by redemption, plans that cannot be stopped once I have decided upon them. If you are going to break my heart then smash it to smithereens, remove my will and leave me broken, take all of my hope. If you leave even one ember burning in my dramatic heart it will start a fire that you cannot extinguish. I plotted for a while, I hated him but, to my surprise I just became indifferent. Something inside me simply left.

Two months ago to this day I was sat on Facebook again wasting my life away when ‘ding!’ – Eli Benton has sent you a message!

The blood drained from my body, I felt myself turn a ghostly shade of white as I realised that now, after three months of pining and finally moving on he had decided to speak to me. By then I had thought I had forgotten him, that his name meant nothing to me but here it was on my screen and my shaking hands told me different. Rage permeated my core as I pulled up the message.

“Hello, how are you?”

‘How are you?’ Months of avoiding me and he dares to ask how I am!

‘How are you?’ I’m fine, thank you. Over your ugly face!

‘How are you?’ Just been wasting my days crying over you!

‘How are you?’ My nights lost to wishes that you weren’t such a lying cunt!

How am I?

“I’m great, you?” I typed speedily

Cool, calm and collected, my response shows him nothing of the turmoil I am currently experiencing. Should have added I’m seeing someone (I’m not), will remember for next message.

‘Eli is typing…’

‘Eli is typing…’

‘Eli is typing…’

1 minute passes. Then another and one more… What the hell is he typing that takes so long? I hope an apology, an explanation. I wait eagerly watching as the seconds tick by, it’s been 3 minutes now. I start to hate him again.

‘Eli is typing…’

“…I miss you…”

My frozen heart melted, liquidated, I felt it beat. How strange it is that your strongest convictions can be overturned with one small moment. In my last breath I hadn’t cared whether he lived or died and suddenly, with this one sentence I wanted him to live forever. For he had made me taste life again, his words ran through me leaving a buzzing excitement in their wake. My pupils opened up and the world was bright, I heard the birds chirping outside my window, they sang a love song in tune with the harmonies of my heart. You expect great literature to change your life but those three small words put together in their simplest form mean more to me than all of Shakespeare’s works combined.

What a woeful human being I am. Any strong, independent woman out there would think me a fool, I know, but he missed me!

The logical part of my brain told me to not reply for minimum two weeks, to leave him yearning for me as I did him but rationale isn’t my strong point. My protuberant heart is difficult to neglect.

“I miss you; I wish you hadn’t had to leave”

Ugh, I’m pathetic, I’m so sorry Beyonce.

The next few hours flew by as we talked, caught up. He never said why he didn’t reply to me for so long and I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to know, why taint it?

“Are you free, can I call you?” he typed.

Of course I was free; I will always be free for Eli Bentons’ calls. We spoke for hours, then days and so months. He wasn’t dating anyone “not interested” as he had put it. Now that he wasn’t on his mission there were no rules to adhere to. I was getting to know someone else, someone new.

He was different, giggly and honest but still him. He told me everything he couldn’t tell me while he was in England. He became my confidant, my friend from another world. I knew I was falling for him hard but I didn’t want to. He wasn’t coming my way anytime soon; I didn’t know that I would ever see him again.

One Friday evening, after I’d had one glass of wine too many, he told me his criteria for the perfect woman. I didn’t fit the model, I wasn’t in the church.

“Looks like I’m out of the running” I joked.

“So you’re just going to give up?” He asked.

I felt he was teasing me, keeping me there just to have.

“No, I won’t give up.” I replied with conviction.

I hung up the phone, fell to my knees and closed my eyes.

‘Make it stop!’ I demanded as I clutched my hands together. I couldn’t even call what I was experiencing love, how could I love someone I couldn’t even see? That pitiful fact resonated across all my thoughts in all that I was doing. At the shop when asked if I would like a bag I heard ‘will you ever see Eli?’ If a friend asked ‘Have you seen that latest blockbuster?’ my reply would be something along the lines of ‘I’d give anything to see him.’ – A confused look would ensue. Elder Benton, Elder Benton, Elder Benton…my attention was in one place alone. That is not a living - that is merely a muddy existence.

‘I beg of you! I beg, take it away!’ I screamed louder to the sky in my drunken stupor.

Nothing changed, not my love, not my hatred for that love, not my desperation. I collapsed into a heap and reverted to the foetal position.

‘Oh Lord, take this cup from me.’ I whimpered realising my blasphemy just before I passed out.

Today was extraordinary, today everything changed. From this day I am not some pathetic woman in want, I no longer need to pass out while wailing to God, for today he became mine. We were skyping this morning, talking normally when he blurted out:

‘Will you be my girlfriend?’

‘How could that ever work?’ I said trying to mask the joy I felt with a quizzical expression.

‘Long distance is hard but I want to try.’ He replied

‘ME TOO!!!’ I screeched.

We’re officially together! Eli Benton and I are in a relationship and once he confirms it on Facebook the whole world will know! I keep refreshing the page, nothing yet, he’ll get around to it soon. He’s coming to visit me at the end of autumn. He calls it the fall, I’ve never heard anything so cute. I am consumed with glee; at least I was until John had to start being completely unreasonable about it all, as always. He does not want me to be happy. I’ve told him he isn’t allowed to rape him but he says that’s all he needs for rape.

Just as Eli has changed so have my intentions towards him…I want his innocence. There is a wickedness inside of me that drives my intent to corrupt this virtuous man. Once he is away from his homely church influences it won’t take long to lure him down the path of fun. I definitely need to see him drunk; you cannot fully trust nor know someone until you have seen them paralysed by the devil’s nectar. Mostly, I want his flower, his cherry; I want him to park his pink Porsche down my alley.

 I’m quite sure I can use my feminine wilds to entice him; a light turns on in those blue, blue eyes when I ‘accidently’ show him too much cleavage on Skype. I wonder if I should try to trap him with a baby so he cannot leave me again. Although Eli being Eli would probably go back home anyway. He very much seems like the type to have a secret bastard child across the Atlantic. I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it.

Instead of what any loving friend would do and congratulate me on my new found love, John began a five hour campaign of hatred which has finally ended only moments before I write this first e-mail to you.

‘Guess what John, I’m going out with Eli, and he’s my boyfriend now’ I beamed across the living room.

Although he was on the far side of the room I could see his big, fat nostrils beginning to flare. He came towards me saying nothing, his body tensed like a socialist about to strike a Tory. I knew that if I didn’t act fast I would, not for the first time, be charged at.

“…I have cookie mix” (Kit Kat Chunky cookies to be exact) I smiled as I held up the bag I’d luckily purchased at Tescos during my earlier shop.

John is a very scrawny. In fact, forget scrawny…John is a very bony thing.  At times, I catch myself watching his needle thin legs waiting for them to collapse under the weight of his giant, bulbous head. I wonder how he manages to muster the energy to move most days. He reminds me of an anorexic antelope, but without any grace, I would pity him if not for the fact he has a remarkable amount of strength for one so fragile. This runt of the litter rarely finds any money to feed himself so when confronted with the option of fighting or feasting, he really only ever has the luxury of the latter. The loss of food, especially in battle, presents the very real possibility of a death sentence for this tramp with a home.

His body loosened mid advance and mutated into a gay prance but I knew that it was still only a matter of time before I got my comeuppance. Strength wise we are equally matched so I needed to be one step ahead and what better than a make shift trap? That would give me the edge I sought.

As John prepared the cookie dough I went out into the hallway and opened the front door. We now live on the a floor where our doorstep leads directly on to a hefty amount of stairs. I began to set a trip wire so that if he did attack me I could lead him towards it ensuring I left as much damage as I possibly could. I thought to myself that I may be being a little pessimistic. The only certainty of a fight was in my head and if one was to break out surely it would be a war of words rather than the fisty cuffs I was envisioning. As I began to doubt my decision I heard my Mother’s voice ring through my head ‘Better safe than sorry’. She was right, she was always right. I placed my devious ambush.

I rejoined John in the kitchen come living room area to see an unwelcome guest. Don’t ask me where he had appeared from, he had possibly been stowed away in the sofa for days, why should I know what’s going on in my own home?

Cockney…

Called Cockney, I can only assume because of the gruff, London accent which violently spews from his beak encasing within it mountains of drivel, I am not his biggest fan. He showed up one sunny afternoon along side John and I have had to tolerate him ever since. You know me Rory, I’m a people person but Cockney is not people. Cockney is scum. Green, slimy, pond scum…he has an air about him that leaves a distrustful taste in my mouth. I am not without reason either, despite his constant presence in my proximity I know nothing about him, only that I am to call him Cockney. He avoids all personal questions I direct towards him; unequivocally, there is something not quite right about him.

John then suggested that we have a ‘duvet day’. Where we would all get together on the sofa, snuggle up in our duvets and pig out on cookies while we watched a movie. I was not happy with this plan but I had to take into consideration that he might throw a hissy fit about Eli if I didn’t agree. I feigned excitement and sat on the end of the sofa.

‘Where’s our cookies, gov?’ Cockney shouted over to John who was still fixing supplies.

Our cookies…he means my cookies that I had agreed to share with John. Not once have I ever offered Cockney anything and why should I? I already have one mooch to deal with, one is enough. More and more as I allow John goods through my own natural kindness, that thing is there to take his own share too. Instead of halving my things I am forced to receive only a third. His is yet to thank me for any of the many items he has just assumed he could take from me and I was reaching the end of my tether.

I quietened my mind and forced the rage boiling inside me back down into my body. Must avoid fight no matter how many ulcers I was getting in the process. John arrived at the couch clutching on to my one and only duvet, I don’t know why I was even surprised, this is ‘Chateau take from Keri’ after all. I wouldn’t have minded if so much he didn’t reek, I could see imaginary fumes rising from him and entangling themselves in the fabric, never to leave again, unafraid of Fabreeze. I gritted my teeth.

The film was almost over; I couldn’t wait for it to end, only ten more minutes. Obviously Cockney had eaten the last cookie without regard for anyone else.  Five minutes left, big finale sprint to the airport then I could leave. Three minutes to go when I noticed that I no longer had any of my blankets. It had been yanked from me at some point between the crying apology and make up kiss.

They had taken it. Cockney had taken it. I sat cold and unimpressed as I considered the power shift that had occurred. They took my food, they took my blankets, and they had sucked the joy from my life long ago. I was even making myself miserable just to avoid a conflict with that snake in the grass. What had I become?

Somehow I had morphed into the inferior one in the pack. This was my fault, one way or another, over the months I had let them think it was fine to walk all over me, to take from me without repercussion. I tried to remember the last time either of them topped up the electric or cleaned up their own mess, I couldn’t. How could I have been so blind for all of that time? Distracted by my pining for Eli no doubt, but now, my agonizing was over and so was their little reign.

Although I had the urge, randomly attacking was not the answer. It is only the weakest of humans who physically assault others; your drunks, your insecure egomaniacs and of course, men with tiny penises. A lack of control would do nothing but reinforce my new realised position. I had to be smart. John, a parasite by nature and without any discipline was easiest to manipulate of the two, uncomplicated and quick to jump to anger. I had my target.

 “So John, what do you think about Eli and I?” I asked calmly.

“Well, if you think he would actually like you and it’s not some scam then…fine” he replied concealing his jealously.

I thought he would instantly break at the mention of me dating ‘the love of his life’ but clearly I needed to prod deeper.

“Who’s this guy and what has he done with John?” I cutely said to Cockney. In a highly passive aggressive move he turned his head and stared at the wall.

‘Cockney Cunt’ I thought

I turned my intentions back to John “You know, Eli…well, he loves me, I’ve been talking to him for months and he hasn’t even asked about you. Isn’t that weird?”

John’s face distorted into the bake I’d seen so often, hatred. I silently patted myself on the back; I’d got him, now just to close the deal…

“I’m not even sure he remembers who you are…but he will, when he comes to visit me!” I almost sneered.

“He’s mine!” John cried. He is not his.

I had cast the bait and the little fishy bit. John sprung out of his seat in a fit of madness and charged me like a bull dyke. The next thing I knew his skeletal, cold hands had wrapped around my neck, clutching it tightly.

‘Got you’ I thought as my airways became further restricted. Gasping for breath I saw the world around me turn to a foggy haze. I grabbed the closest thing to me (the baking tray that had been used to make those delicious cookies, I would have much preferred a knife) and struck.

He let go of his assassinating grip and fell to the floor as did I. Crouched over on all fours I coughed and spluttered begging for air to fill my lungs, the tray still in my possession. Drool gushed from my mouth when I looked towards him on his back caressing his head in agony. ‘Pathetic’ I said as I moved closer to him. I raised the tray with all the force I could rally and bashed him on the cranium repeatedly until a gay shaped dent was formed in my weapon. Cockney, clearly not as dominant as he had made out, looked on in a mixture of shock and horror.

The trip wire! A shot of adrenalin raced through my heart and in no time I was carrying out a frenzied attack. John bedazzled and probably concussed was led into the hallway. The front door lying open – all I had to do was push him. I stopped for a second to breathe once more and looked at John. What stood in front of me was not the equal match I had seen earlier. Here stood a boy, not nearly a man, his nose dripping blood, his left eye swollen, and a battered mouth. Panting he looked to me tired and confused

“Please stop” he begged in his whiney voice.

My heart twitched as a montage raced through my mind of all the good times we had had together; pretending to be photographers to break into events, all those scams to get free wine and rich quick.

What was I doing, how could I hurt him more than he deserved? I knew I had to stop. I dropped the tray and held out my hand to him to pull him away from the wire he didn’t know was there, it was one of those movie moments, I slightly expected a cheesy song to play in the background depicting all those forgotten times.

In reality there was nothing but the sound of John’s over dramatic hyperventilation. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, I truly didn’t. I glanced to my right to see Cockney watching in revulsion. As I saw him I remembered why I had started this whole tryst in the first place, I couldn’t let the two of them dominate the eco system that was our flat; they would drive it into the ground. Was I really going to let them believe they could walk all over me, attack me and force me into meekness? The meek may inherit the earth but I don’t want it, too many nuclear wars to deal with.

My hand flew out and I pushed John backwards. I hid my concern as his leg danced behind him to stop the fall and instead met my pre-emptive strike. A mighty sound crushed upon my ears as he tumbled down the flight of stairs and was now resting in a heap on the landing below. He yelped to Cockney for help but the coward just looked to me for permission, I shook my head then walked away with a smile. Order had been restored.

As far as I know John went to hospital and now his leg is in a cast. I think it’s just a precaution. It’ fine, he’s fine. When he came back from the emergency room he tried to start on me again. I laid there on the sofa paying no attention to his high pitched screeches, showing my dominance. I am leader, scream all you like, I’ll just send out the water canons. His wails make no difference to my life; he will not mess with me again.

I did make a point to suggest a way John could get over his ‘wannabe Keri’ jealously. Find another ex missionary to get with, that way; we have the same going on but stop all this ‘he’s mine’ nonsense.

I think he’s on Facebook right now trying to ensnare Elder Kim after I told him that China men have spring rolls for dicks, he wants to check out my theory, I’m more of a sausage person myself but whatever. All’s I know is if he does get with him, it won’t be real love like Eli and I have, it’s just for show.

Anyway I’m really happy about the whole Eli situation, that’s what today should have been about. I won’t be telling him about any of these little road bumps. I’m sure his naive Mormon mind couldn’t take nor like it…he’s my dream and I’ve got it, I’m ecstatic with my life, and kind of proud of myself. I have control of the flat again and I have my Jolie-Laide man to corrupt, pure virgin innocence to steal.

Weird fact: Did you know the more virgin innocence you steal the longer you live?

A bientôt

Keri

[wing-ed-thing]

Casually (Kankuro x Reader)

Synopsis: All Kankuro wants to do is ask out the cute florist that comes to deliver flowers to the office, but of course working with your siblings means that you can never get a moment of peace.

Word Count: 1,167

Warnings/Tags: Gender Neutral Reader, Minor Original Characters, Attempt at Humor, Humor, This Fic is Actually Kinda Ridiculous, Fluff, Nervous!Kankuro, Florist!Reader

Notes: I felt in a bit of a goofy mood so here y’all go

Mr. Watanabe sent Mrs. Watanabe a bouquet of flowers every week like clockwork. Where Mr. Watanabe got the money to be able to shell out for weekly flowers, Kankuro didn’t know. After all, not many floral species grew naturally in the deserts of Sunagakure, meaning that the bouquets were grown for a high price in the village green house or they were imported. And with Mrs. Watanabe working as a secretary and Mr. Watanabe working part time in daycare, the large, vibrant vase of flowers served as an unspoken mystery for Kankuro to walk by at least twice a day.

But he had no complaints. Not when you were there, because twice a week you would bring Mrs. Watanabe her flowers. You checked your card, you had her sign, and oftentimes you would chat with her by her desk during slow periods at the Kazekage office. And Kankuro was sure that at the very least, he had held the door open for you once before pretending to be busy nearby. He had a hard time admitting, even to himself, that he felt flustered by a florist. That Kankuro, bodyguard and right hand to the Kazekage, had a difficult time talking to the local florist.

“Another beautiful selection, Mrs. Watanabe!” Your voice cut through Kankuro’s thoughts. He never spent too much time on the first floor before, but for the past few months he had offered to run paperwork whenever he had the chance. You lightly kicked open the door, a vibrant group of flowers hiding your face. Kankuro looked up from the paperwork that he was discussing with the secretary as you made your way over. You placed the vase on the counter.

“Those are very nice,” Kankuro said, inwardly kicking himself the moment the words left his lips. He tuned out Mrs. Watanabe who raved about the colors in the background. You smiled at the petals before turning your attention to him. Kankuro leaned against the counter in an attempt to look casual.

“Right? I got a whole bunch of seeds from the Land of Water for a really great price. They’re just so different and gorgeous.” Kankuro didn’t know how to respond. He never engaged in flower discourse before. You motioned to him, eyes lingering to the corner of your vision. “And you are Mr…” Your forehead scrunched up the slightest bit.

“Kankuro,” he provided quickly, “Just Kankuro. And you are…” You offered him your name, although he already knew it. You smiled, but centered your attention on Mrs. Watanabe as you provided her her card and the receipt to sign. When you glanced back at him, you did so expectantly. Kankuro scratched at the back of his neck through his hood. “Hey, um, if you ever have some free time—”

“Kankuro!” Temari burst through the stairwell door, her reading glasses on and a few manilla envelopes in her arms. “Did you ever end up processing that paperwork that was supposed to go to the Leaf? They keep sending me letters about how they haven’t gotten their copy of the files and I swear I’m going to shoot down the next Hokage bird that comes to my window.” He held up the small stack of papers in his hands.

“It’s right here. We’re going to get it by the date that we told them we’d get it, so tell Shikamaru to…” he trailed off, subtly glancing your way before clearing his throat. “Tell Shikamaru to wait.” Temari groaned.

“You’re no help. I swear I have to do everything around here!” You could still hear her frustrated grunts as she retreated back up the stairs. You turned back to Kankuro.

“You were saying?” You blinked at him and Kankuro had to take a moment to process what it was that you said.

“Oh, yeah!” Kankuro almost jumped back as he shook his head. Out of all the missions he ran, all of the times he risked his life for his country, he had never felt as flustered as he did. He kicked himself, trying to channel his usual, self-proclaimed, charming cockiness. “Uh—” He leaned back against the counter, extra casual this time. —“So if you’re free at some point this week…”

But before he could get the second half of his sentence out, the doors burst open and a flurry of sand spilled across the floor. Gaara trudged in, robes dusty and slightly tattered. Kankuro immediately rushed to his brother’s side only to be stopped short by Gaara’s halting palm.

“Mrs. Watanabe,” Gaara spoke in his usual gravelly voice. Mrs. Watanabe hummed, perking up behind her desk. Gaara trudged towards the stairwell. “Please cancel all of my appointments today. I wish to be in my office undisturbed.” She scribbled a few things in her book before holding up a thumb with a wrinkled smile.  

“What happened to you?” Kankuro asked and Gaara stood still.

“The sand and I got into a disagreement.”

And without another word he disappeared, leaving a large, suspiciously Gaara-sized pile of sand behind. Kankuro let out a sigh, knowing that he would have to add checking in on his brother to the list of things he had to do before the end of the work day. He ran his hands over his face, careful as to not smudge his face paint. You cleared your throat behind him and Kankuro turned to your concerned, dumbfounded expression.

“Does he do that—”

—“all the time.” Kankuro nodded and you took a sharp breath inward. A pause overtook the front office as you studied the sand slowly drift across the floor, the front doors still wide open.

“Whelp, um… Mrs. Watanabe, you have a great day.” You began to collect your things. Kankuro found himself at a loss as he stood alone in the middle of the entryway. You motioned to him, forehead crinkled again as you thought. “And you were trying to tell me something, but I actually have a few more flowers to run—” Kankuro tried not to look disappointed.

“Oh, uh, yeah. For sure…” He considered joining his brother in a bit of midday sulking. Maybe the next time around he could approach asking you out more like a mission. Maybe he wouldn’t get so uncharacteristically flustered—

—“So why don’t you just tell me at dinner tonight.” You maneuvered past him with a smile with your pen pointed in your hand. “That is, if you’re free tonight. Because if you are, you can just meet me at the flower shop.” Kankuro shook himself out of his shock.

“Yeah, that sounds great!” he said with nothing to lean on this time to look casual. He stuck a hand in his pocket as you left through the open doors. Kankuro gave a slight wave with his other. Mrs. Watanabe glanced up from her work over the glasses that sat on the tip of her nose.

“Do you even know where the flower shop is?”

Kankuro shook his head, still a bit dazed.

Notes: Despite the silliness I think I kept everyone in character...?

Thank you to all who liked, reblogged, followed and otherwise supported. Your support means so much and is greatly appreciated.

@brokennerdalert​

[narcissisticmf]

"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."

– John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent

1998 | dean winchester x fem!reader

description: it's the year 1998, y/n y/l/n is nineteen years old. she's known the winchester family her entire life. growing up a hunter was difficult enough, but when she loses her father to the yellow eyed demon, she resorts to finding the winchesters for help.

trigger warnings: blood, gore, graphic violence, trauma, mentions of depression, etc. read at your own risk.

word count: 4.5k

December 27, 1998

Lawrence, Kansas

Holding the pen between your index and thumb, you scribbled within the lines of the opened journal of which rested against the kitchen table. Your deep eyes gazed upon the words of which you wrote, nearly unable to make sense of your writing due to how sloppy it was. Your gaze transfixed upon the opened book beside your journal; an old book of Greek lore. There'd been a trail of missing persons – in a town a few hours north of Lawrence – that all fit the same background; no father, single and a virgin. You'd been on a case with your father, but he made you focus on the research rather than physically hunting.

Pehaps he didn't want you to get hurt, but you had an undeniable amount of adrenaline at times while working on these cases. All you desired was to get off your chair and fight alongside with your father. He wouldn't have it that way and you knew better than to argue with him about it.

"Something feeds off their purity," You muttered gently, tracing your bottom lip with the opposite end of the pen. Your eyes squinted gently as you examined the book. You took your fingers and traced over the slightly crumpled texture of the paper. Turning the page, your eyes gazed upon an image of a scaly looking creature. Its mouth was opened wide as firey breaths were directed towards a young person stood before it with nothing but a shield and a sword.

You dropped the pen and scrambled out of your seat, scurrying towards the phone against the wall. You took it and quickly dialed the number of the motel your father was staying at, while on the case. Placing the phone against your ear, you waited as it began to ring. Your hands shook softly at what you had just discovered. Not even the oldest hunters would have suspected such a thing.

"Yeah?" Answered a deep, gravely tone.

"Dad, it's a dragon," You released in a single breath.

"What?" He ran his palm down his face, in disbelief at your discovery.

"It's a dragon that's behind the kidnapping. They feed off purity, Dad. It says so right in the book," You allowed the phone to rest between your ear and shoulder as you reached over to grab the book. The curly wire against the wall phone made this a bit difficult.

"Enough, Y/N!" He snapped through the phone. "Every hunter knows that dragons don't exist."

"But, Dad–" You were cut off.

"No, Y/N. Find something else, it's not a dragon," His voice darkened.

You released a gentle sigh, "Yes, sir."

Removing the phone from your ear, you placed it back against the wall. Your plump lips glossed from the dim lights of your small home. You were a prisoner inside the walls of a place you should've called safe. All you did was the research. You sat in the same chair day after day doing more and more research.

You tossed the book of Greek lore back onto the table. A subtle bang flooded the first floor of the house. You frustratedly took your hands to your face, rubbing your tired eyes slowly. You needed rest, you craved it. It would be no longer than twenty minutes, you tried to reassure yourself as you trudged your way to the living room. You slowly pressed your bum against the couch and leaned your head back against the arm of it, while your legs laid out before you, taking up all the cushions.

Slowly, your eyes fluttered closed.

.

Despite the dark sight you had on the inside of your eyelids, a figure before you was shaped and engraved into your view. A darker figure of someone staring over you, as if they were watching you sleep. You stirred uncomfortably, in deep desire to sleep peacefully. It was useless, for you couldn't drift with the feeling of someone watching you.

Fluttering your eyes opened, you gazed up at the ceiling watching as a dark figure was sprawled out against the stippled material of the ceiling clung to a body. Your eyes squinted as you noticed the dark figure had a thin line of blood along its chest. The red matter slipped from the cut and fell upon your forehead. You flinched softly and sat up, taking your finger and swiping the blood off. You brought your hand back down and examined the plasma upon your finger.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you looked up once more and the site of your father upon the ceiling filled your view. Your glossy lips parted as you stared up at him, stuck to the ceiling as though he were a starfish against a rock.

Before you could process anything else, your teary eyes found the body against the ceiling spread into flames. The entire living room lit up with fire and smoke. You pushed yourself off the couch and rushed to the kitchen table, grabbing the Greek lore book and your journal.

The flames surrounded you, as though it trapped you inside, not desire to let you leave. You coughed harshly and found your tears fallen from your eyes rapidly, staining your cheeks. The burning wood of the furniture was lifted by the smoke, implanting the ashes against your cheeks. You took your arm and covered your mouth and nose as best as you could.

Your body was growing weak as you clung the journal and book to your chest. You ran quickly and found a route to the front door. Taking all the strength you had left in your limbs, you rushed to the door and swung it open, jumping off the porch and to the front lawn. You tripped while getting up and ran to the curb, noticing fire trucks were down the street. You thanked your lucky stars you had caring neighbors.

Taking your arm down, you watched as the fire trucks headed in your direction. You hugged your journal and book tightly as the men rushed out of the vehicles with the hoses attached to the back of it. Your cheeks were stained with ash and hot tears. Your eyes were glazed with a glossy veneer as more tears trickled down your face.

"I'm sorry, Dad.." You released a soft whisper, feeling your legs weaken as you sat against the curb, hugging your books as they gave you some form of comfort.

Blue lights flashed out of the corners of your eyes, to your left. You slowly picked your head up and watched as police cars were headed for your, once put-together, home. The flames had died down as the firefighters continued to spray the house with the hose.

You watched as policemen exited their vehicles to step forth to the scene. Releasing a gentle sigh, you flickered your eyes up and watched two men walk towards you.

.

"What's your name, miss?" Questioned one of the officers as you stood before them, still hugging your books to your chest.

Your bloodshot teary eyes looked up at them, "Y/N.. Y/L/N."

"Miss. Y/L/N, how old are you?" He followed up.

"Nineteen," You whispered.

"Who else lived in this house with you?"

"My dad."

The questioning seemed as though it took forever, you couldn't help but revisit the last thing you and your father spoke about before he was found against your ceiling, up in flames. You chewed against your plump bottom lip as more hot tears slipped from your eyes and fell down along your cheeks.

"Miss?" The officer placed a hand against your shoulder, pulling you from your thoughts.

"Yes?" You parted your glossy lips.

"Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?"

You took a moment and found your deep colored eyes transfixed upon your feet. You were in nothing but a sweatshirt, leggings and some busted up sneakers. You thought over about where you could possibly go. After debating about it within your head, you glanced up at the officer and nodded slowly.

.

Four Hours Later

Lincoln, Nebraska

Before exiting the taxi, you slipped the driver a crumpled hundred dollar bill. He took it and gave you a soft nod with a thin smile. You slipped out of the car and slung your bag over your shoulder. A few pairs of clothes that didn't get ruined were shoved into it along with a new toothbrush and some deodorant, your journal and Greek lore book as well.

The tires of the taxi squeaked as the driver sped off, leaving you in the parking lot of a motel. You looked around, in an attempt to figure out which motel they'd be in. A clean looking 1967 Chevy Impala was parked outside room ninety-three. You took your weakened legs and walked towards the room. As you stood before the door, you knocked gently. Your knuckles shook as you prayed that it was the right room.

A subtle creak was heard as the door slowly opened. You stared at a brunette boy with soft round cheeks. He was eye-level with you, maybe an inch or two taller. "Hey, Sammy," Your lips curved into a soft smile as more tears slipped from your eyes.

"Y/N? What are you doing here? Are you okay?" He questioned slowly, noticing your troubled state.

As you were about to speak, your deep colored eyes shifted up to glance behind Sam. Met with the familiar evergreen eyes, you almost lost your balance, but gripped onto the doorframe before you'd be able to trip.

Your vision faded into pitch black as your fingers slipped from their grip upon the doorframe.

.

A cold compress was felt against your forehead, causing you to softly shift against the mattress of which your body was implanted upon. You slowly peeled your eyes opened and gazed up to find the same evergreen eyes you saw before.

"Hey, sweetheart.." His voice was soft as he gently pressed a cold cloth to your forehead. Your eyes bounced around the room and soon found their way back to him.

"Dean," You breathed out and slowly sat up.

"Whoa, Y/N, take it easy, yeah? You bumped your head pretty hard," He whispered and slowly laid you back down against the pillows. You nodded gently and eased your body against the soft bed.

"So, what happened, Y/N? How'd you know we were here?" Sam's voice was heard as you turned your head, seeing that he sat against the edge of the second bed.

"Dad's dead," You whispered, your throat ran dry at the realization. "It was the same kind of thing as your mom.." You spoke softly, knowing that the subject was still sensitive to talk about with the Winchester family. "The whole house went up in flames.. I nearly couldn't get out," You breathed out.

Sam and Dean exchanged worried and saddened expressions. Both of them glanced back at you as if to reassure you that everything would be okay with just their eyes.

"Hey.. where is John anyway?" You asked softly, while Dean continued to pat the cold, damo cloth against the side of your cheek.

"He's working on a case, he says we're getting closer to finding out what killed Mom.. and your dad," Dean whispered the last part and laid his emerald eyes upon you. Your gaze locked with his for a few moments.

"My dad mentioned you guys were here a couple days ago, so when the cops asked me if I had a place to go tonight, I immediately thought of you guys," You whispered gently, your eyes bounced from Dean to Sam.

The sound of the front door opening caused the three of you to turn your heads and meet with John Winchester, father of Sam and Dean. His eyes looked immediately to you as you were laid against the bed. You slowly sat up against the headboard of the bed and looked at John, noticing how exhausted he looked.

"Y/N, what are you doing here?" He asked, releasing a soft breath. He removed his jacket and tossed it onto a chair by the table.

"Shawn's dead, Dad," Sam answered for you, his voice was slightly shaky.

"Y/N thinks it was something from the thing that killed Mom," Dean spoke gently, not wanting to create more tension.

"I'm sorry for your dad, Y/N.. Shawn was an excellent hunter," John spoke softly and took a seat against the edge of the bed that Sam was on. You released a gentle breath and nodded softly.

"The flames were everywhere," You whispered, tears blurring your vision. You let them slip from your eyes and stain your soft cheeks. You looked up to John and found that his gaze was soft, you knew he empathized with you.

"We'll figure something out, Y/N. We'll find that yellow-eyes son of a bitch and get rid of him, okay?" John mentioned softly. You nodded your head and felt Dean drape an arm around your shoulders. "For now, go clean up and we'll take you to Bobby's tomorrow. You'll stay with him," John pushed himself off the bed and looked down upon you and Dean.

"But, Dad, why can't Y/N stay with us? She's really good at research and–" Sam was cut off by a stern look from John.

"It's too dangerous for her now. For all we know yellow eyes could be after her next," John spoke firmly, making Sam retreat.

"Yes, sir," The youngest Winchester nodded slowly.

"Go clean up, kid," John turned to you with a softening expression. "Dean, give her a pair of your pajamas," He spoke and Dean nodded, taking the cold damp cloth in his palm and scurrying to his bag to find a pair of pajamas for you to wear.

"Thank you, John," You whispered softly and pushed yourself off the bed. John placed a hand against your shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly.

"You're family, kid. We look after our own," John offered a gentle, thin smile. You nodded and peeled from his grasp, escaping to the bathroom.

Before you could get inside, Dean walked up behind you and handed you one of his t-shirts and a pair of flannel pajama pants. You took them into your hands and offered him a soft smile.

"Thanks, Dean," You whispered and felt your fingers graze against his as he handed you the clothing.

"You're welcome, Y/N," He whispered softly and let you escape into the motel room's bathroom.

.

After your shower, you stepped out onto a couple towels upon the floor. You stretched your hand to grab a towel along the small hook againsg the wall and begun to dry your body. The ash hd been washed off along with the other bits and pieces of debris against your body. You felt refreshed. You quickly brushed your teeth and after completely drying off, you changed into the pajamas that Dean let you borrow. They smelled just like him and you couldn't help but notice how they loosely draped around your body.

They didn't cling to you like your own clothes did, but that's what you liked how them. It felt like they protected you as Dean always did when you would spend time with him. Despite being the same age, Dean always made sure to look after you. He always looked out for Sam as well, mostly because John made Dean grow up rather too fast.

After combing your hair, you exited the bathroom and found Sam and Dean watching TV while John was nowhere to be seen. Soup was cooking in a little pot upon the small stove inside the room.

"Hey, sweetheart, feeling better?" Dean turned to look at you softly, his emerald eyes were so warm and made your body heat up.

You shrugged lightly, "I'm physically okay, mentally.. I'm not so sure."

Sam turned to look at you with a gentle gaze, "We saved some soup for you, Y/N." You offered a soft smile to Sam and thanked him before making your way to the small pot over the stove. You removed the lips gently and placed it upon the counter.

You felt a presence behind you as you reached into the cabinet, stood upon your tip toes. Struggling to read for a bowl, you felt the presence behind you slowly reach up, his arm grazing against yours as he grabbed a bowl for you. You smiled softly and turned around to face him. You were met with Dean, softly grinning at you with his glossy lips enclosed together.

"Thanks, Deanie," You spoke the nickname you gave him when you were younger. As you leaned your lower back against the counter, he stood before you with a soft, comforting smile.

"Y/N/N, I'm really sorry about your dad and I'm sorry you're gonna be stuck at Bobby's for a while, not that it's a bad thing, I just wish you could be here with me where I know you'll be safe," Dean released in a soft breath.

"I'll be fine at Bobby's, Dean. Trust me, I'll do some research there and whatever I find, I'll give you or Sam a call," You softly spoke and let your hand run up to his cheek. You took your thumb and caressed beneath his eye slowly, watching as he leaned into your touch; his eyes closed.

"Can you give us a call even if it's not about research?" You heard Sam's soft voice from behind Dean, making you slowly retreat your hand back to your side. Dean opened his eyes and turned to look at Sam who looked over the back of the couch. The sound of the TV muffled in the background.

"Of course, Sammy," You nodded gently. The youngest Winchester curved his lips into a smile as he turned his head back to the TV.

Dean looked back at you and parted his lips slowly. You took the opportunity and snuck your around his torso, burying yourself into his chest. His arms loosely wrapped around your shoulders as he pulled you tightly in. A few tears slipped from your eyes and ran down your cheeks as you buried yourself deeper into his embrace.

You felt Dean's lips gently press against the top of your head as you pulled back to look up at him. Your bodies were still entangled together. "I'm right here, Deanie, I'm always right here," You whispered and watched as he looked down at you with a soft grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.

.

Asleep against the couch, you stirred when you felt a cool draft hit your bare toes. Subtle static came from the TV along with the aroma of dirty laundry. You shifted and clung the blanket around your body tightly in an attempt to keep yourself warm. Slowly, you felt your body had had enough sleep and your eyes fluttered open. You found your gaze was locked upon the TV. It had been turned on. You slowly sat up and rubbed your tired eyes, they'd been puffy and red from the mourning of your dad.

"Morning, Y/N," Sam gave you a soft grin as he sat against his bed with a new pair of clothes upon his body.

"Good morning, Sam," You mumbled, sleepily and turned your head to gaze at the clock beneath the TV. It read nine thirty-eight. You released a gentle sigh and pushed yourself off the couch, making your way towards Sam. "Where's John and Dean?" You asked and sat beside him, your hair stuck out in all the wrong places with a couple knots in the back.

"They went to get breakfast and fuel for the Impala," He replied flatly.

You nodded softly and gazed at the TV. A cartoon you were unfamiliar with played upon the screen. The door to the motel room opened and in came John and Dean, with a couple plastic bags in their hands.

"Morning, Y/N," John gave a soft smile.

"Good morning, sweetheart," Dean offered you a soft smile and nudged your shoulder as he placed down the plastic bags upon the small table beside the window.

"Morning," You replied to them both with a soft grin.

"Here, Y/N/N," Dean reached into one of the bags and grabbed a warm breakfast sandwich. He tossed it towards you and you caught it within your hands.

"Thanks, Dean," You smiled softly.

"Thank Hector Aframian," Dean sent you a wink as he slipped the fraudulent credit card into his wallet and in his backpocket. You chuckled softly and rolled your eyes as you unraveled the sandwich from the foil it came in. You began to eat at your sandwich as John, Dean and Sam started to pack up their belongings.

You took the time to change in the bathroom into your own pair of clothes that you managed to get from your burnt down home. There'd been a couple articles of clothing that survived, so you took them into your possession.

After changing, you returned the pajamas back to Dean, who smiled and took them back into his bag. You felt your face heat up at his grin.

"Need help getting anything to the car, John?" You asked as you slung your bag over your shoulder in a pair of jeans and a loose, baggy t-shirt.

"Just get yourself in the Impala, kid," John offered a softly smile and ruffled your hair. You chuckled and nodded lightly. You stepped out of the motel room and headed towards the Impala with the Winchesters behind you.

.

In the backseat, beside Sam, you gazed out the window as the world passed. You felt almost like a burden to John for having him go through much trouble to get you somewhere safe. You knew he did it out of the kindness of his character, but you were unsure if this got in the way of him trying to find the demon that killed Mary and your dad.

You leaned your head against the seat and attempted to rest for a while. The drive was about three and a half hours. With that time, you attempted to get as much sleep as you could. You had a feeling that Bobby wouldn't make you stay for free, perhaps he'd have you help out at the Singer Salvage Yard.

While the ride was long, you were able to sleep respectively and soon awakened when the gravel against the tires of the Impala rumbled the body of the car. You slowly stirred and blinked twice as you lifted your head up. You rubbed your eyes slowly and looked around, noticing the salvage auto parts were around the front. Bobby's house was towards the back. You gently yawned as John pulled into the back, parking the Impala in place beside Bobby's car.

When John and Dean started to exit the car, you did as well, grabbing your back and slinging it over your shoulder. You watched as Dean walked around the front of the car to make his way towards you.

Bobby exited the front of his house and walked along the gravel towards John. The two grown men hugged and spoke for a moment while you, Dean and Sam stood together beside the Impala.

"You'll be okay, sweetheart?" Dean asked softly, looking down at you.

"I'll be fine, Dean," You whispered and nudged his side with your elbow playfully. He softly grinned and gave you a warm hug. You snuck your arms around his torso as he clung around your shoulders.

You felt Sam hug you from behind. You released a soft giggle and pulled from Dean, turning to face Sam. "Take care of the old man, okay?" You chuckled softly towards Sam, inference to Dean.

Sam smiled lightly and nodded. "Call us as soon as you can, Y/N," He mentioned.

"And if you need anything, we'll be here," Dean added. You looked between the two brothers and smiled softly.

"What would I do without you boys, hm?" You offered a grin and pulled them both into a hug. They returned the favor.

The Winchesters treated you like one of their own and that's what you loved most about them. Family was their safe place and you were a member of their family despite no blood relation. You grew up with them and the fact that most days you woke up and it being life or death made you all the more closer with them.

Once you pulled back from them, you caressed Dean's cheek and offered a small smile. He softly grinned and leaned into your touch as he always did. When you slowly pulled back, Dean gazed at you warmly.

"Hey, girl," Bobby's redneck voice was heard from behind you. You turned and offered a soft grin as he stood on the other side of the Impala. You walked around the back of it and hugged Bobby from the side as he rubbed your arm softly, in a fatherly manner. "Sorry to hear about your dad, kiddo.. was a hell of a hunter that one," He mentioned and pulled back.

"I'll have to keep his legacy going," You brought your chin up and watched as Bobby nodded slowly.

"Well, why don't you come on in? I've got a room for you upstairs and some old clothes of Karen's in a box in the attic you can look through if you want," Bobby spoke while looking down at you.

"Thanks, Bobby," You whispered gently, knowing the topic of his wife was a sensitive subject.

"Well, Y/N, we'll keep in touch, yeah?" John mentioned as he looked at you.

"Of course and if you guys need any research done, gimme a call and I'd be happy to," You offered them a warm grin. Your warm eyes found Dean's as he gazed at you, his expression looked both distressed and worried.

"Sure thing, kid," John nodded and pulled you into a warm hug. You returned it and felt him squeeze you before he pulled back and patted your shoulder softly. "Alright, come on, boys," John looked to his sons who continued to watch you with an forced grin.

"Bye, Dean. Bye, Sam," You waved slowly and watched as they waved back while getting into the Impala.

You and Bobby stood upon the gravel as you watched the Impala rumbled due to the engine starting. Bobby's arms crossed over his chest as yours were down at your sides. Dean's gaze was locked with yours as you found his while the Impala turned around and exited the salvage yard. You could see Sam's head turned to look at you through the back window of the car.

Bobby patted your back gently, "C'mon, girl. We got work to do."

.

a/n: hi!! so i really wanted to write this on my wattpad (narcissistiches), but i really don't know if this idea has potential or if it'll go anywhere so i'm posting this here in hopes of you guys giving feedback, maybe?? i hope you guys enjoyed this and that you want more! i'm planning to rewrite the first season with this little plotline! anyway, thank you for reading! be safe and treat people with kindness. — angelina.

[shanitani]

Hi! May I ask Todoroki accidentally forgetting his S/O's birthday, angst time until his S/O accept his apologies and he decided to spoil them (even tho their S/O does not want him to spend so much money on them... He still don't care lol) thanks! ♥️

contains : shoto x fem reader

includes: angst -> fluff

a: hi babe, ngl this made me get a bit sad bc I feel like he would Lowkey forget ur birthday but not to this extent yk like probably for the first hour of the day- anyways I’m rambling .. here you go <3 

Feeling the crisp morning air hit your face, you smiled before even opening your eyes. Snuggled in what felt like your boyfriend, was in actuality just your throw blanket. You looked around for a sudden moment, stuck in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe he forgot your birthday. 

‘Maybe he’s just cooking breakfast’ You shook away your thoughts stretching out of bed to smell nothing. To see nothing but a flimsy note on the kitchen counter in scribbled drawn out writing “Had something come up at the agency, be back later - shoto”

You couldn’t say that you weren’t mad or that you didn’t feel a slight pull at your heartstrings, but Shoto was like this - he doesn’t show emotions well with language, more so physical touch. And, you knew what you were getting yourself into dating a pro hero. He let you know before hand how much he had to be gone no matter the instance, and you still stuck with him because he was one of a kind that you couldn’t just let pass up - that’s what made Shoto instantly fall in love with you.

So, you stuck to your promise of unconditional love no matter if he was wrapped in your arms, or messily throwing things in a suitcase to fly out for a emergency mission. You just wished the universe had been a little nice to you today, or at the least gotten an happy birthday at the end of the note.

Despite not being with your boyfriend, Mina had instantly hit you up asking to hang out at the bar later. So instead of sulking, you spent your afternoon with Mina - waiting patiently for your boyfriend to come home.

The afternoon passed, and he still wasn’t home. dropping you a quick message saying, “taking longer than expected, be home later tonight - don’t wait up.” don’t wait up.. was he forreal? or was this just he serious? you thought over and over again taking off the heels you were supposed to wear with Shoto to your birthday dinner.

You wanted to cry, but you didn’t. “Not on your birthday Y/N” you spoke out loud trying to surpass the tears fighting to come out. Instead, jumping in the shower to clear your mind from it all and sitting down on the couch and watch movies to pass the time. 

Hours clicked by, 10pm it stated on the clock. Your birthday was over, and your boyfriend was nowhere to be found, tears fought angrily to come out - and you couldn’t do anything but let them force their way out. You choked out a sob on the couch, feeling hopeless and letting your mind get the best of you.

Was he seeing another woman? did he forget? does he even love me anymore? I wouldn’t blame him... Am I not good enough?

---

“Yeah thanks for helping me with the Mission today, I know it was last minute.” Midoriya nervously smiled rubbing the back of his neck before the bi colored boy shrugged picking up the last of his belongings. “Sorry again, I really do owe you.” the two boys walked out of the agency about to part ways as Todoroki stood confused at why Midoriya felt so sorry this week - this was usual for him to have to leave last minute.

“What for? this is what I signed up for.” Todoroki began to open his car door, shuffling his hair back into place, “Well I tried Bakugo and Kirishima but they had their own mission to fufill, and Denki wasn’t suited right for this job. Didn’t want to call you on your girlfriends birthday y’know? seemed rude.” Todoroki stopped in his tracks, trying to calculate what day it was. He fumbled with his phone trying to see the date, It can’t be today... its not, Midoriya’s just tired.. right? he silently prayed Midoriya was wrong - until he wasn’t.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’ve gotta go Midoriya okay?” The boy didn’t wait for response from the green haired boy, rushing home. ‘How can I be so fucking stupid’ he banged on the steering wheel, pushing on the gas pedal harder as he finally got to the shared apartment.

He opened the door, cringing at the bright heels he’s never seen before laying nicely by the door. Shoto rubbed his eyes with his hands - looking at the phone one more time. 11pm. the apartment was pitch black, slightly smelling like food you had previously cooked for you and your husband - that’s when guilt finally started to rush through his body, but he needed to see you - he couldn’t just not say anything.

He walked slowly through the living room door, hesitant on opening it and seeing a furious you. In the back of his mind he hoped you wouldn’t be so mad at him for this happening, but he knew the chances were slim. He opened the door only seeing more pitch black and static on the TV screen, his eyes softened to see you tugged closely onto the couch pillow. 

He inched closer to you finally taking in your looks, you had a black silk dress that slightly rose up from you sleeping, you hair was a mess - frizzy at the top. And he could tell you’ve been crying, seeing your puffed out cheeks and calmer state. He felt terrible, trying to find out how to face you. All you’ve ever done for him was be supportive, and he couldn’t even take a day off from his hectic life to spend time with the person he loves the most. 

Without thinking, he woke you up, inching you awake slowly to see you wake up in discomfort before looking at him. He smiled at you, teary eyed - but you couldn’t quite figure out why until it hit you that it was still the same day. “Hi baby, wake up we’re going somewhere.” “huh” you rubbed your eyes, feeling Shoto tug your arm up and into his arms

He leaned to your ear, whispering a small ‘i’m sorry, let me make it up to you.’ and before you could answer he opened the door, motioning you to come outside. You complied; seeing his emotional face look at you made your heart melt. He pulled you into the car, putting his hand on your thigh and starting the car. putting the radio on for background music there was a comfortable silence in the air. 

You finally pulled into a driveway, the highest level that looked over the Japan city that you liked so much. He pulled you out urging you to come to the edge and breathe. He knew that after small breakdowns you would usually come out here to get your mind off things, so he thought this was the perfect place to bring you - at least just for tonight.

His head hung low trying to figure out the words to say to you, he didn’t know how to apologize, and he wouldn’t be surprised nor mad if you wouldn’t accept it. “I’m sorry. I’m a bad boyfriend.” he croaked out, with damp cheeks attempting to look into your eyes, he grabbed your hands subcontiously to stop his rapid heartbeat. You smiled at him, taking his head and putting it into your chest like he always liked. 

“It’s alright baby, you’re an amazing boyfriend. always will be my hero.” you hummed stroking his hair softly. you didn’t care about the date or the gifts, you cared about his presence, and it was before 12am. So technically, you got what you’ve wanted.

“It’s not, and i’ll try harder to be with you more.” he looked into your eyes finally, cupping your cheek. You smiled, “best birthday ever.” you smiled, kissing his lips that you’ve longed for all day. He was scared to at first, but soon drowned into your mouth - comfortable with your taste. You pulled back, fully relaxed and content, “baby?” he hummed in response. “You still didn’t say happy birthday to me.” you teased grinning as he playfully pushed you away from him only to bring you back into his chest closer, “happy birthday sweetheart.”

BONUS BECAUSE I NEED TO:

You awoken to the smell of pancakes and bacon, the sun shining warmly on your face making you sit up. You were awoken to food, presents, and a beautiful card placed on the left of your bed. Standing over you was your boyfriend, with messy hair and sweatpants that sat nicely in the middle of his V line making your cheeks heat - he never failed to look so adorable. 

“Good morning beautiful” he kissed your cheek, sitting on the edge of the bed near you, “Close your eyes.” you complied, feeling a small thin cold object grave over your neck, “Open.” you opened your eyes to see his phone handed to you to look at the object, it was a small gold necklace engraved to say “Todoroki” you smiled finding his eyes at yours, leaning in to kiss the boy.

“You’re already gonna have my last name, so for now this will do until I put a ring on that finger.” your cheeks grew incredibly hotter, “Thank you so much baby, it’s adorable.” you grinned placing down his phone and suffocating him once more in an endless amount of kisses to his face.

masterlist

[honeyatsu]

Loner (Junpei x F!Reader)

Reader implied POC! but ofc anyone can read <3

warnings: none that I can think of

Summary: 

Junpei was suspicious of you. He always felt the world was filled with people who were naturally evil in some way, until you came into his life and challenged his theory.

masterlist

Spotify playlist - all the songs I listened to helping me write this story. lmao and songs that helped inspire some parts. Think of it as an unorganized soundtrack. 

AO3

a/n: Hiii. He deserved better. I was rewatching and got mad all over again. The first time I saw his character arch I almost threw the whole show away lmfao but I can’t wait to continue the manga during summer! There wasn’t enough content so I decided to make some. 

The familiar dark marble floors were all Junpei would keep his eyes on as he walked to his next class, the chatter of his fellow classmates bouncing around the walls acting as background noise he would attempt to mentally cancel out. Junpei didn’t bother to look anyone in the eye, it’s not as if he had anyone to look forward to seeing anyways truthfully. High school was supposed to be a place where the best memories were made, but Junpei couldn’t relate to those empty promises of those being his best years. Everyday feeling as if there was a target on his back for his unfriendly peers; he would do his best to hide within the shadows he felt comfortable in, doing his best to make himself as invisible as possible. His only goal was being to survive the day without being bothersome to others.

Just as before, staring at the ground and ignoring the chatter going on in the classroom he made his way to the conjoined desk in the back of the room. He sat on the desk and began pulling out the material, his first time raising his head during the day to scan the room, everyone but one other person having a sitting partner. It didn’t sting him that he was sitting alone, that’s how things usually went for him. He was either alone or ostracized, finding being alone the better option of the two.

As the teacher began to lecture about the importance of being prepared for the advanced chemistry class, Junpei began to scribble down in his notebook taking notes already. His eyes didn’t leave his notepad until he heard the large bang of the classroom door hitting the wall.

“I’m sorry for being late!” you screamed while bowing to the class, panting and catching your breath with your hands now holding on to your knees. It was easy to tell that you ran to class and still managed to be notably late.

The teachers rolled her eyes at you, unfazed by your obnoxious entrance in the classroom. “Just choose a seat.” She scowled before returning to the beginnings of her lecture.

Your eyes scanned the room before you noticed the empty spot in the combined desk in the back, you didn’t even look at the person who would be sitting beside you, you just knew you wanted the desk farthest away from the front to prevent being called on during class.

Junpei on the other hand cursed himself as he saw you rush to the seat next to him; he knew that the seat was your target as soon as he noticed your eyes land on it. He recognized who you were, he knew who your friends were. Why would you sit next to him? What was your plan, to mock him? His heart was beating rapidly the closer you got, his palms began sweating. He doesn’t know if he can manage being picked on in class, he has never had a personal interaction with you but what made you different from your friends?

You rushed your way to your seat and began to drag the items from your bag onto the desk. Your elbow accidentally bumped into the classmate next to you, the physical action causing a small yelp from the boy. You finally turn to see him, the first thing you noticed were his eyes, they were the kind of green that would kiss over the ground during the beginning of spring time, probably the prettiest green eyes you’ve ever seen. His hair was brown and reached his shoulders, with one bang large enough to cover the right side of his face. You were too enchanted by his appearance that it took you a while to see how uncomfortable he was. His body was slightly trembling as your elbow was still making physical contact with him, his eyes slightly widened, he wasn’t even trying to hide how uncomfortable he was with the accidental physical reaction along with you staring at him as if he had three heads.

“Sorry.” You whispered to him removing your elbow from his side and looking down at your stationary materials, organizing them on the desk. From the corner of your eyes you can see him looking down at his desk, his body was stiff, and you could tell he was still uncomfortable. “If me sitting here bothers you, I’ll move…. it’s just this is a hard class and I don’t want to be called on all the time and embarrass myself.” You turn to face him and see that he still isn’t looking at you. “But please put up with me. I promise I won’t distract you.”

His eyes perked up while hearing your last sentence, he didn’t expect you to have such a kind and sincere tone. He finally brought his head up, slighting turning his head to face you. He couldn’t point out where he’s seen eyes like yours before, and he saw the small smile formed on your lips. People have smiled at him before and he can usually tell how people are feeling by looking at their eyes. He was good at reading people, he had to be just to survive. But he couldn’t read you, he couldn’t tell how you were feeling towards him. He doesn’t remember the last time someone showed him any sort of sincerity.

“No…it’s fine. You can sit here.” He managed to whisper out while looking back down scribbling down some notes.

Fifteen minutes went by, the class slowly dragging out and it being harder to focus. Junpei’s head was starting to feel heavy, he didn’t regain complete focus until he noticed the ink getting lighter on his notebook. He scribbled fast and hard, trying to get ink out before realizing it was completely dry. He cursed himself in his head, his day just starting and already something had to go wrong. Hearing the sound of rough scribbling on the paper your eyes darted to his side, seeing the pen drag only putting scratches on the sheet.

His head turned towards you out of curiosity, hearing the aggressive rustling from you digging in your bag. Your eyes focused and face scrunched up in concentration, your tongue slightly sticking out. He wanted to think you were cute, but he knew who your friends were, and that group was anything but cute. While he was deep in thought about how unfortunate it was that he already knew the type of person you were by your crowd, he almost missed the sense of accomplishment displayed on your face as you pulled out a packet of glitter pens. Your smile grew as you turned to him, realizing he was already looking at you. You were satisfied with the first instance of eye contact with your desk mate. He felt the heat rise to his cheeks; he didn’t need a mirror to know the red hues were forming on his face embarrassed with getting caught staring at you.

“These are my favorite pens.” You whispered to him, still looking at him not caring that he looked away for a second. “I only share these with my friends.” His eyes grew wide, were you going to rub in his face that his pen went out on him? What kind of teasing was this, for you to make fun of something so small? He was appalled that he knew he was right, you sat next to him just to -

“So, lets be good friends, okay?” You cut off his train of thought as you placed a dark blue glitter pen on his desk. He slowly turned to you, seeing the same smile on your face from earlier, the same smile he couldn’t quite read.

He nodded back at you nervously, his hands shaking as he grabbed the pen you placed onto his side of the desk. You nodded to him as you returned to focusing on the lesson, knowing his nod was his way of saying ‘thank you’ without speaking.

Junpei had trouble focusing on the rest of the lesson, hands still shaking while using the pen you let him borrow.

                  ---------------------------------------------------------

Your body ached as you dragged yourself out of the school grounds. Cheer club just ended, and you were exhausted from learning the basics of it considering this would be your first time being in the cheer club. The sun was out still, slowly going down making the sky a mix of yellow, orange and red. The only thing you could think about was going home and hoping that your mom had left over food from the dinner the other day.

While walking to the direction of your house you noticed a boy with a slender build a few feet away from you, and once you saw the long bang you grew excited, recognizing him as the boy you sat next to in class. All the energy you lost regained quickly as you ran up to your new friend. “Hey!” You screamed as you ran into his back, tripping on the cracked ground while making your way towards him. You held on to his sides to prevent you from falling, his body tensed up at the sudden contact and you screaming at him.

His heart dropped, he thought he was able to go an entire day without being picked on. He was confused, he didn’t think you’d bother him too. He made sure to not get in anyways way today, he just wanted a day where he could be in the background and be left alone, but at the last moment of him being on his way home you appeared out of nowhere and ran into him. Were you trying to push him down? Did you get angry he never gave the pen back? Were you being kind to trick him before you finally got to pick on him like the rest of your friends?

“I’m sorry!” You squealed out. You removed your hands from his back and walked towards him, giving him a tired smile.

You apologized for hitting him, why did you apologize?

“Didn’t mean to run into you! I just left my club and saw you walking, I wanted to say hi. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable, again.” You laughed out awkwardly. Junpei gave you a confused look. He was suspicious of you, what did you want from him for you to constantly acknowledge him unprovoked? Sure, he’ll let go of the class interaction. You guys were desk mates, you were probably being cordial. You lend him your pen because you noticed his ran out, unlike your friends you at least had common decency. But why would you come up to him outside of class? What could you possibly gain from talking to him outside of having to?

The pen. Once he remembered he never gave it back, he retrieved it from his pocket and brought it out, extending his hand out to give it to you. “I-I never said thank you. Here, you can have it back.”

Once you saw what he was trying to do you laughed at his actions, “I gave it to you silly. It’s yours to keep! I mean we’re friends after all, right?”

His breathe got caught in his throat, he felt unable to respond. He tried to find any signs of malice in your face but couldn’t find anything.

“Oh, right. I sound funny declaring friendship when I don’t even think I’ve given you my name! I’m y/n.” You said with a smile.

For the first time, he returned it back to you softly. “Junpei.”

You opened your mouth to say something back, but your next sentence was disrupted with a loud growl from your stomach. Your eyes widened in embarrassment as your squealed and brought your arms to your side, squeezing your stomach.

“Sorry!” you said quickly, “I just left my club. It was a lot of work today, my body is exhausted and I’m starved.”

Junpei laughed at your reaction, you smiled realizing you got another first from him today.

“Hey Junpei, are you busy?”

“Uhm, I was just going to walk home now…” he replied back to you softly.

“How about we get some ramen! I know this great place not too far from school. I was gonna eat at home, but there probably isn’t food anyways. And you’re here so I don’t gotta go alone! You’ll love it I promise, it’s so good.” You continued to ramble on. You didn’t even give Junpei a chance to respond to you before you grabbed his wrist and dragged him along to the direction of the ramen restaurant. You were walking in front of him as he was being dragged behind you, you were holding onto his wrist the entire way there. He was glad you didn’t get a chance to see his flustered face the entire way there.

        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re seriously not going to finish?” Your voice was muffled due to your cheeks being stuffed with the food in your mouth. It was hard not to stare at you while you were eating, he’s never seen a girl eat so aggressively or fast. You took a big swallow of the remaining food in your mouth, his eyes grew wide noticing your bowl, completely empty. “How embarrassing, I’m done already.” You whined out noticing his bowl looking as if its barley been touched.

“I don’t eat much.”

“I guess I should have asked if you had an appetite before I invited you. All I did was embarrass myself.” You sighed as you leaned back in your booth, rubbing your bloated stomach for comfort.

“I-it’s okay! Um, I’m…sorry?”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his flustered expression, “You’re real funny, you know?” You took out your phone and whined as you noticed how late it was getting. “It’s getting so late and I totally forgot I had chores! My moms gonna kill me!” You hurriedly got up and grabbed your school bag.

Before you walked away you turned to Junpei, “I hope we do something like this again one day.” And with that being the last thing you said, you ran out of the restaurant and headed your way home.

Junpei was in his head the entire way home. This by far had to be the most confusing school day he’s had. He tried not so hard to think about the classroom interaction, but then you basically forced him to hang out with you after school hours. Friends weren’t something Junpei had a lot of, he grew up being bullied and it followed him even at the age of seventeen. Outside of his few club members, he didn’t really talk to anyone let alone see them after school.

He’s seen you around before, you were pretty popular. You were always surrounded by friends; he can’t say he was fond of any of them. You declared him as your friend, but didn’t you know what your friends did to him? He couldn’t tell if you were genuine, and he wasn’t ready to let his guard down yet. This was too suspicious for him.

All he had on you so far was:

You were very peculiar, your aura screamed kindness but it could be too good to be true. He had just met you after all.

You had a problem with being on time.

Him being in his head made his walk home seem quicker than it usually was, time flew by as he was mentally theorizing who you were as a person and what was your plan with him. He didn’t even hear his mother greet him as he walked in, asking if he was hungry and ready to eat.

“Junpei? Are you not going to eat?”

“Hm?” He finally looked up from the ground facing his mom. “Oh, no. Sorry. I didn’t tell you I went out to eat after school. With a….friend.”

next

[beyondspaceandstars]

While You Sleep

Chapter 18

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: angst Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you’re given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can’t relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier.

A/N: so sorry I’ve been slow with updating Tumblr - my blog was shadowbanned (basically Tumblr hid my blog in searches, notifications, tags, etc.) and it just got fixed so I’m working to update here!

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

“You’re back,” Dr. G smiled as you plopped down in the seat across from her. 

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes and instead forced a tight smile. “I’m back,” you confirmed with a dramatic nod for emphasis. You didn’t know why you were feeling so hostile. You had shown up here willingly this time. 

Bucky didn’t even know you were seeing your therapist again. But it wasn’t exactly like he was around to find out. He had left for his mission yesterday in the very early morning and you were now on constant edge. You didn’t know what he would encounter. You knew none of it was at your clearance level seeing as you had no government clearance level to begin with but still… You didn’t like that anything that went wrong would come back to you in the depths of your sleep. Even if Bucky had shared everything step-by-step, any mishap was another blow. Even if everything went right, you feared you were bound to see something. 

“Would you like to share anything?” Your therapist asked, disrupting your spiraling thoughts. It was like she knew and, well, maybe she did. You really did kind of suck at hiding your emotions. You could practically feel your face darkening with worry. 

“Bucky and I learned something about us recently,” you said a bit nervously but Dr. G nodded in encouragement. You tried to steady your breathing and continued, “Our soulmate bond has been disrupted. It happened when he was part of Hydra — I mean, not like part of. That makes it sound like he joined willingly which he absolutely did not—,”

Your therapist said your name sharply, cutting off your words. “I know what you meant,” she said.

You nodded briefly, recomposing yourself, and began again, “While under Hydra, he was brainwashed and in that process, they thought they had rid him of his soulmate. But, turns out, all they were doing was tampering with the transmission lines. This means any sort of trauma or… or really emotional occurrences in Bucky’s life gets passed along to me, intercepting any, well, normal dreams. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“Nothing?”

You glanced away. “Well, I’ve asked him to retire to maybe… minimize the damage.”

Dr. G nodded as she scribbled something on her notepad. She let out an interesting hum. “How did Bucky respond to that?”

You fought back the urge to roll your eyes. You weren’t really upset with him, more angered by the situation. “It took him a second to come around to the idea and, sure, eventually he did but then he was given another mission. A mission he couldn’t turn down.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Another feeling of annoyance flashed across you at the cliche therapist speak but you could also recognize the question for its worth. Someone was actually asking you how you felt about the new, and last, mission. Lord knows Bucky hadn’t.

You bit your lip, feeling tears already threatening to run down your cheeks. “It made me feel bad, to put it simply. I just felt horrible and scared. I know that with time it’ll go away and maybe we’ll find some peace but I’m just really hurt it has to be this way.”

More notes were scribbled. “How did Bucky react to hearing that?” Dr. G asked without looking up. You shifted awkwardly in your seat, fiddling with your fingers out of habit. Your therapist glanced up once her writing has finished. Her brows raised as you struggled to find an answer.

“He doesn’t really know.”

Your therapist placed her pen on her notepad and leaned forward in her chair, eyeing you a bit upsettingly. “Do you remember what I told you during your last session?”

Talking. Talking, talking, talking. Just let it out. How could you forget? That’s exactly what you had done and while it made some kind of progress, you were still stuck at this godforsaken dead end for the time being. 

You picked at the chair cushion. “He didn’t ask,” you sighed. “Besides, what good was it going to do? I couldn’t have stopped the mission.”

Dr. G shrugged. “No, I doubt you could’ve, but that’s not the point. The point is you’re hurting and your soulmate needs to know this, especially when it involves him. You can’t beat around the bush or try to sidestep this kind of stuff. Be gentle, yes, but little progress can be made if everything is bottled in.”

“Well, doc, I’m sorry to break it to you, but I’m sure he knows very well how I feel about all of this,” you snapped back. “Think I made myself super clear during our first conversation about retirement.”

“Fine,” she shrugged. “Assume he did. Assume Bucky knew everything that was going through your mind. Did it open any conversation?”

Your shoulders slumped. You looked away. 

Dr. G continued, “My point exactly. Of course, you don’t want to hurt him but you can’t hurt yourself in the process. How many people actually knew about the nightmares to begin with?”

“None,” you mumbled. And it was, sadly, the truth. Your coworker was the first to know. You hadn’t even had the guts to tell your parents. 

“I’m sure I make it sound easier than it really is but there are some benefits to it over time,” your therapist said after a moment. 

You let out a dramatic sigh. “You’re kind of annoying, you know that?”

Your therapist laughed. “You’ve been wanting to bite back for a while, haven’t you?” You didn’t answer. She shrugged. “Already testing out those communication skills I see.”

You let yourself roll your eyes this time.

***

It was nearing midnight when your cell phone rang. You jumped, suddenly disturbed by the ringtone as you laid on your couch watching some sitcom reruns. You frowned in confusion as you stretched to reach your phone on the coffee table. You weren’t expecting any calls.

You turned the screen around and were greeted by one name: Bucky. You just about yelped when it registered he was calling you -- and from his mission, amazingly. You sat up quickly and answered.

“Hi, Buck,” you greeted, hopefully sounding a bit more cheerful than you felt. Your therapy session from the morning still had you a bit shaken. 

“Hey, doll,” Bucky responded, his voice a bit hoarse. He sounded exhausted and...defeated. 

You sink into the couch. “Is everything going okay?” You guessed it wasn’t too weird he was reaching out while away but something was off in his voice. You thought you had already mentally prepared for the worst.

“For the most part,” he mumbled. “I have to tell you, sweetheart, it wasn’t smooth sailing. We… We all had to do some things we aren’t proud of.”

You shut your eyes, trying to reel in your panicked brain before you said something you’d regret. This couldn’t all fall on Bucky, it wasn’t fair. He had a job, one final job, and you were going to have to accept that. 

Regaining your voice, you said, “What… What things, Bucky?”

He fell silent on the other end. All you could hear was some soft breathing and others talking in the background. The rest of the team you could guess. You said his name into the receiver again.

“Just know I didn’t like what I had to do and I can’t wait to put this life behind me.”

If that was all you were getting from him, you’d have to accept it. “Okay,” you said, your voice cracking slightly. “I-I understand.” You didn’t really but you knew after tonight you definitely would.

Bucky took another pause. “You deserve so much better than this.”

“Bucky-,”

“You really do, sweetheart.”

“Bucky, please, listen,” you sighed. “While this isn’t ideal and I was very upset you just jumped on this assignment without speaking to me, I know it won’t be like this forever, right? 

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about the assignment before leaving,” Bucky responded. “I-I knew I couldn’t do anything about it but that’s still not fair to you. You deserve to be heard.”

“It’s okay, honey,” you said, fighting back some tears getting ready to start again. “You’re almost done, you’re almost back home.”

Bucky hummed. “I am,” he confirmed. “And when I get back I’m going to make up for all of this, I promise.”

You let out a weak laugh through the tears. “You can make it up to me by getting home safely.”

Bucky was about to say something else but was then cut off by someone yelling at him in the background. He gave a curt response before turning his attention back to you. “Sorry, doll, but I have to go. We have some debriefing to do.”

“Of course,” you said, waving a hand in the air like he could see you. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“See you soon, sweetheart,” he said. “Love you.”

The line cut before you had the chance to say the words back. You held your phone out in front of you, staring at your lit homescreen, shocked and overwhelmed. He loved you. And he had said it.

***

You were dreading getting ready to go to sleep but, at the same time, your body was practically begging for it. You were finally getting back into the swing of working and now with therapy sessions on top, you couldn’t believe how exhausting life was. As if you had forgotten at some point. 

But with that craved moment of relaxation, an unnerving threat lurked. 

You practically moved with caution when it came to your nighttime routine now. You washed your face carefully and precisely. You scrubbed every tooth again and again for a good minute. Even combing out your hair seemed to be tedious. 

It was all sad attempts at procrastination and you knew it but what could you do? It wasn’t like you were jumping into bed happily no matter how much your body screamed. 

When there was no more to do in your routine, you had to accept it. You had to finally lay down in your bed, let your head hit the pillow, curl up under the duvet, and welcome whatever kind of sleep was going to greet you. 

Almost immediately, you were hit with everything.

As always, you’re seeing it in glimpses from Bucky’s eyes, from his mind. In this instance, he appears to be located in some kind of warehouse. It almost reminded you of where you had been taken to but abandoned.

At first, Bucky seems pretty calm and collected. He’s assessing his surroundings and mapping out a plan. He says something to the person next to them. You can’t see them and possibly you don’t want to. 

They agree with whatever Bucky has suggested but before their plan can commence, they’re both attacked. Guns blazing, doors busting, a whole goddamn ambush. You’re panicking, you feel Bucky panicking. But it doesn’t last long for him. No, within seconds he’s in destruction mode, stomping towards the pop-up army - you don’t even know what they’re part of - dodging bullets and taking them down one by one. 

Some others are helping out it seems but you’re only allowed to be consumed with Bucky’s take on the situation. Despite how much you don’t want to be, especially when he… You see the glint of his metal arm rush past. They’re dying. Being killed. These soldiers or whatever are dropping left and right around him. You feel Bucky’s pulsing anger. He has no plans of slowing down. You feel the tension in his arm as he strangles another and another and another. At one point, he even throws some across the room.

They’re finished. No more men pour in. The rest of the team has stopped. They’re all looking at Bucky, wide-eyed and nervous. You feel his fury turn to shame. You didn’t know the mission’s expectations but you could guess they didn’t exactly involve this much death. No one says anything as they move on. 

The images fade but the feelings don’t. You suddenly want to cry in your sleep feeling Bucky’s distraught and embarrassment. 

Unable to deal with it anymore, you force yourself awake, everything vanishing as your eyes open. You look around your dark room. The clock beside your bed reads just past three a.m. 

You curl back into your blanket and face the wall. You stare at it for the rest of the night, heart pounding and hands shaking.

[highfaelucien]

az and lucien for the ship thingy maybe?

send me a pairing and I'll answer the following questions about them!

HECK YES. IT'S LUZRIEL TIME!!!!

falls asleep on the couch I think they might both be guilty of this? Azriel does it when he's had a super long day and just...cannot stay awake. Lucien finds him sprawled there amidst all of his reports and scribbled notes. He tuts and tidies them away, because he knows Az hates messiness, and then just...Lies down and snuggles next to him. Az being Az, this wake him up and has him reaching for Truth-Teller. But Lucien, who expected this, gives him a soft word and a little squeeze and Az just...grunts and wraps a lazy wing around them and they drift off again. Lucien does it deliberately because sometimes you just need to have a couch nap. It's one of the few joys in life. When Az finds him, his response varies. If he's feeling soft/it's late/he knows Lucien needs it he just scoops him up and carries him to bed. Lucien remains utterly unaware of this, apart from mumbling vaguely in his sleep and kind of like...pulling Az towards him. Craving that contact. Sometimes he refuses to let go and Az has to give in and get into bed with him. He grumbles about this. He grumbles a LOT, but he lets it happen. If Lucien has shit to do Az will make him some tea, as a peace offering, poke at him til he wakes up, then shoves the tea under his nose like smelling salts to make him sit up and actually properly wake up. And sometimes Az, who has a streak of cruel humour in him, chucks a bucket of water over Lucien who is just like AZRIEL WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU MISERABLE OLD BAT WHY AM I WITH YOU!? Az actually unleashes A Chuckle at this while Lucien remains >:(

makes friends with the neighbors Azriel SAYS he makes friends with the neighbours, but Lucien flatly points out that "sending shadows into peoples' houses to make sure they're not serial killers, or secret Hybern loyalists, or spies, or bad dressers does NOT count as making friends with them, Az". Az rustles his wings a bit at this and mumbles something about "with the right perspective..." Lucien rolls his eyes and forces him to come up and ACTUALLY meet their neighbours in person. Lucien does the actual friend making. Lucien is 10/10 the guy that hangs over his garden wall to have an hour long conversation with the neighbours while Az hovers awkwardly in the background like 'wtf are they talking about for all this time???' He's also very forward, with makes Az blush a little bit. "Hi there I'm Lucien, this is my partner Azriel, we fuck each other, if that makes you uncomfortable I suggest you move and reevaluate your priorities in life. I am a delight, he is too but it's harder to see, give him like a half a milennia and you'll see what I mean." Lucien makes friends but he's also got no patience or tolerance for bullshit anymore. If someone's a shit person he wants nothing to do with them. (And will absolutely lowkey start neighbour guerilla warfare to get them to move. This includes, but is not limited to, very loud sex).

is the adventurous eater Lucien will try anything once, but hilariously I think he's actually got quite a fussy palatte? So he WANTS to be an adventurous eater but anything with more than like...a single chili in it makes him start hyperventilating. He can't handle spice. Which Azriel finds absolutely fucking hilarious, because it is. "You're from the Autumn Court, Lucien." "I know -_-" "You have literal fire powers" "I KNOW -_-" "You-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP AZ I KNOW". Azriel actually has a surprisingly refined taste. He's a definite foodie. And he can eat pretty much anything to exist, but he likes his food, and he likes it good. One of Lucien's early warning signs that Az is going through some shit is actually that he stops caring about what he's putting in his mouth/is just eating to keep himself going and not for any pleasure. That's when it's intervention time.

hogs the covers at night Lucien, actually. Which Azriel pretends to be very miffed about because "you have fire powers, Lucien, sheesh." Lucien just points out that Azriel has two giant blankets strapped to his back called wings and that he hasn't got a leg to stand on either. As they bicker this way they navigate closer together/cuddle and also redistribute said blankets. Both of them actually hate being cold at night.

For Az it brings back bad memories of dark, cold cells, and brutal winter months in Illyrian warcamps.

Lucien doesn't have a particularly bad association with the cold, he's just a little bitch about it.

forgets to do the dishes

Both of them I think are pretty neat and tidy on the whole? Azriel has that military bootcamp discipline mentality. Lucien can be a little bit more scattered in comparison. But like an academic library looks like a disorganised clusterfuck compared to Az, so it's not a very fair bar.

Of the two of them, Lucien is more likely to do it. Lucien attempts to cook like once every year or so, and the result is always an absolute clusterfuck of burned food, swearing Lucien, the messing of every pot and pan in the house, and said house nearly being burned to the ground.

tries to surprise their partner more often

Azriel very famously doesn't like surprises. Lucien tried precisely one (1) time, waiting in the bed, naked, with a rose clamped between his teeth, and an impressive display of magical Autumn court fireworks heralding Azriel's return home.

Unfortunately, Az being Az, reacted rather poorly to this, thought they were being ambushed, and long story short nearly chopped Lucien's cock off with Truth-Teller.

Lucien has planned no more surprises since then.

Azriel is a stealth romantic, however. Beneath those Illyrian leathers, icy stares, midnight voice, and scarred, impenetrable mask is a vein of soft mushyness, and this is a hill I am willing to die on.

Every month or so (he keeps the schedule varied, keep Lucien on his toes) he plans a surprise and Lucien is pleased.

leaves dirty laundry on the floor Again, both of them are fairly neat, so the only time this would realistically happen is when they're on the way to boning and clothing is being shed quickly behind like. Like a smutty breadcrumb trail.

stays up til 2 AM reading Both of them are guilty of this. Az is reading reports, which is absolutely not a valid excuse for him not to be in bed snuggling Lucien RIGHT THIS SECOND. But Lucien absolutely needing to find out how the last 12 cliffhangers in his mystery thriller novel is a completely different story and “stop glowering at me from the bedroom doorway, Azriel, I need to find out who killed Gregory!!!” “It was the gardener, now will you please put that down and come to sleep?” “FUCK YOU, AZ, YOU HAVEN’T EVEN FUCKING READ IT I HATE YOU SO MUCH.”

sings in the shower Both, actually. Plot twist. Lucien has a lovely voice, actually, and Azriel will often send in a shadow or two to listen in and feed the music back to him while he’s working in the other room. Az sings as well, but very quietly, and he has a nice voice, too. But he’s so stealthy and secretive about it that no one will ever know.

takes the selfies Lucien, by virtue of the fact that Azriel is in approximately six pictures ever, and even then he’s only like...partially in 4 of them. Azriel doesn’t do cameras. And he has an uncanny knack for ducking out of the way just as pictures get taken and avoiding them entirely.

plans date night

Lucien’s date nights just kind of happen. He doesn’t really plan, he just informs Az they’re going out and then they go on a city whirlwind adventure.

Azriel’s date nights are planned with expected military precision and excuted on a minute-by-minute schedule.

[saphyhowl]

I have an RQ, write about Le comte having a day off

Comte had attempted to elaborate a list of all the activities he desired to do on his day off for the fourth time. He glanced at the clock. Two hours left before dinner. Then, he would be free of all his obligations and his day off would start even earlier than he had anticipated. No more checking if everyone had drunk their rouge or blanc. No fearing for an unexpected guest waltzing through his door. A whole day without worries was a rare occasion for Comte. However, he had yet to find a complete list of activities to do on his day off. You would think that as a man gifted with immortality, Comte would have all the time to fulfill all his lifelong wishes. That had been the case before he had offered the residents of this mansion, the gift of life.

An idea popped in his head and he eagerly wrote it down before it would fade away from his mind.

“A bath!” he exclaimed out loud.

He then scribbled something again as he hungrily whispered the word “chocolate”. The ideas finally flowed out of his mind and after some time Comte was satisfied with the list of activities for his day off. He stood up and went straight towards his wardrobe.

“Spending the day in pajamas?” he thought out loud.

Comte pondered whether a dignified noble like him should follow MC’s advice and give in to the temptation of being lazy for a day.

The next day, Comte was soaking in his bath, a book in his hand and a cup of coffee in the other. This was pure bliss, all the stress washed away. How calm it was today. Comte sipped his coffee. At this hour, everyone would be awake and would be enjoying their breakfast. Why were they so calm? Comte shook his head and tried to immerse himself back into the book.

A faint thud coming from the lower floor almost stirred him out of his reading, but he pushed the urge to check on the strange noise aside.

As he soaked in the bubbles surrounding him, Comte heard another thud followed by a voice proffering an insult. Comte almost thought he heard the name “Dazai” as well.

“That’s it!” Comte sighed.

He stepped out of the tub and put on his bathrobe. He carefully dried his feet before sliding them in his slippers and made his way towards where all the muffled noises occurred.

The dining room. A place that had witnessed several fights and arguments. Logically, the noises had to come from this room. Comte violently opened the door to catch the troublemakers in the act.

Comte froze. All the residents were sitting together at the table, visibly in the midst of their breakfast. They turned their heads to see a half-drenched Comte in a bathrobe anxiously looking around the room.

“You might want to close that bathrobe a tad more, Comte,” Arthur suggested.

Theo choked on his pancakes.

“You were not fighting?” Comte asked.

They all shook their heads.

“Do you want us to?” Theo asked confused.

Comte did not answer and left the room grumbling to himself that he had imagined things.

Back to the bath in which the water had turned lukewarm. Comte snatched his book and decided to sit in his armchair instead. As he read on, he eventually grabbed some chocolates from the box on the table next to him. In the background, he could still hear voices coming now from the garden. He managed to remain focused on his book until a discussion tore him away from his reading for good.

“Oh hello, little bees! Theo, look at the bees. How wonderful nature can be- Ah!” said Vincent in his usual cheerful voice.

“Sebastian! Vincent got stung by a bee. Damn those bees! ”Theo shouted.

“Did you know bees die after they sting you?” Arthur explained.

An ominous silence and then the clear sound of someone punching a person.

“What was that for?” Arthur complained.

“Sebastian! They are fighting again,” Isaac warned.

There was a sound of hastened steps crunching the gravel.

Meanwhile in Comte’s room, Comte was now finishing his third box of chocolate. The book had been long tossed on the floor. His knees were jumping up and down nervously. He was waiting for the right time to intervene. No, Sebastian had it under control. Comte munched on another chocolate piece..

A shadow passed his window.

“I am coming to your rescue Arthur,” Dazai said.

“Dazai! No jumping from the windows, especially the third floor,” MC scolded Dazai.

 A window opened on the right side of Comte’s chambers.

“Will you all just shut up! I cannot concentrate.” Mozart complained from his window.

“Arthur, we do not give the finger in this house.” Sebastian scolded.

The scolding continued in the garden while Comte was opening every drawer in his room to find the earplugs he had once found in the modern age during his numerous trips. As soon as he found them and put them on, the voices from outside became muffled. With a sigh of relief, he lied down on his bed to enjoy a nerve-calming nap. He concentrated his thoughts on relaxing his mind and preventing it to spiral around the wellbeing of the other residents.

Something tugged on his sleeve, but he ignored it. His body was gently being shaken, but he found refuge under the covers. Something tickled his feet and he jumped upright, clearly awake. He took his earplugs out and glared at the intruder…Intruders. The whole household was solemnly standing around his bed.

“How? Wh-What are you all doing in my room?” Comte asked.

“You slept until dinner time. We thought you were dead.” Arthur said and got a flick on the forehead from Napoleon.

“It is time for dinner and as we all know some of us caused a lot of trouble today. To apologize for disturbing the much-deserved rest you needed on your day off, we decided to have a special dinner outside in your name Comte,” MC explained as she glared at the culprits, namely Dazai and Arthur.

Comte blinked several times as he fully grasped what was occurring. How foolish he was to desire a day off on his own! He was bound to them all, having a day off meant isolating himself from them. While they annoyed him, made him worry countlessly, he did enjoy their company greatly and truth be told he had found it hard to ignore them.

They waited outside of his room to let him change accordingly. Comte was back to his impeccable self.

“Now Comte, please just focus on the path ahead and think about all the nice food Sebastian prepared for us.” Vincent beamed at Comte.

“Is that a hole in the wall?” Comte blinked in astonishment as he passed by a gaping hole on the wall where there used to be paintings.

“Now, it may smell like something burned, but rest assured we managed to put out the fire,” Leonardo added.

Comte blinked again in shock and only managed to whisper how one day Leo would all kill them by accident because of his smoking habit.

The crowd ushered Comte outside and into the garden before he could see the rest of their mess.

Each of them took up the task they had been entrusted to make this barbecue evening a success. Comte was given the hardest task, which was to stop worrying. There he was, enjoying the mild evening as he sipped a glass of wine. Only then, surrounded by his rather weird friends, whom he even considered family, was Comte able to fully enjoy his day off.

Then, Arthur decided to pour beer over the meat to “give it a nice taste” only to cause a large amount of smoke to spread through the garden and making everyone cough. Jean, who had been calm and peaceful until now, panicked. His warrior instinct kicked back in as he tried to protect MC, carrying her around the garden, and shouting at the top of his lungs: “Take cover!”.

Comte held onto his wine amidst the chaotic crowd trying to calm Jean down. “A peaceful day off indeed,” he sighed.

*******************************************************************************************

I believe the people in this mansion have no day off  or privacy whatsoever lol. I hope you enjoyed it @crystallikelaw. 

[professorsnape394]

The Potions Master’s Apprentice

Chapter Fifteen: Three Professors

A/N: This is the fifteenth part to my fanfiction ‘The Potions Master’s Apprentice (Severus Snape x OC)’. Chapters 1-16 can be found already uploaded on Wattpad under the same name. Feel free to leave requests in my inbox for anything Snape related you want me to write. Leave a comment below if you wish to be added to my tag list.

Pairing: Severus Snape x OC (Dumbledore’s Granddaughter)

Summary: A talented young witch is employed as an apprentice professor at Hogwarts, but who will she be working under? Severus Snape is not best pleased with his new responsibility of taking on an apprentice, however she is relentless to create a friendship between them. Will she be successful? Or might the friendship just go a little two far? With the eyes of her grandfather constantly watching over them, an attempt at a relationship might not be in the cards for Aria Dumbledore and Severus Snape.

Word Count: 2001

Warnings: n/a

Credits to Gif Creator

Within the week the gossiping from the weekend's events had almost completely died down. However, with Severus and Aria acting civil towards one another during lessons, and almost completely back to their old habits of spending the evening together a whole new set of rumours were threatening to begin.

Karkaroff had mostly backed off Aria's case on the Severus front. However, this did not mean he had any intention of stopping socialising with her any chance he got. Igor had become invested in the relationship of the two potions professors' and he would not stop until he had the answers he was looking for. He took to visiting her during the majority of her free periods, as well as some evenings after class, often convincing her to join him for a stroll around the castle grounds, where he sought to pry into her personal life, especially her relationship with the potions master. It didn't bother Aria too much to begin with, in fact, she liked the company, but as the week grew to an end, she had become suspicious of his true intentions.

Almost immediately as lessons came to an end on Friday evening, right on cue, came a knock at the door. Before the potions apprentice had a second to open her mouth, the door was already pushed ajar, revealing the sunken features of Igor Karkaroff.

"Hello Igor." Aria sighed, barely sparing him a second glance.

"Good afternoon, beautiful lady" Igor chirped, his accent almost thicker than usual. Aria rolled her eyes at the headmaster, but chuckled lightly to herself in amusement. "Are you free to join me on a leisurely stroll around the castle?" He queried, striding into the center of the room, taking a seat behind one of the student's desks.

"Are you mad, Igor? The rain hasn't stopped all day! Besides, Professor Snape set a load of essays last week, that I have the pleasure to mark. I don't think I would be much in the way of conversation today, I have too much to do." She confessed, attempted to dissuade him.

"Nevertheless, I shall keep you company. I do not have anywhere to be."

"Thank you." Aria grimaced, really just wanting to focus on getting her marking done.

"Speaking of Severus..." Karkaroff begun, once again distracting Miss Dumbledore from her work. "There have been rumours of the two of you circling the school." He stated, leaving the intention of his sentence free for Aria to interpret.

"I am very well aware, Igor." She huffed. "Though they have begun to fizzle out in the last few days, I am pleased to say." The witch continued scribbling.

"That is not what I am talking about." The man shook his head, though kept his gaze firmly on the professor in an interrogative manner.

Aria raised an eyebrow, but did not stop reading the length of parchment.

"It has been said in this past week that you have entered into a relationship with the potions master, is this true?"

"God Igor, I never thought you so naïve that you would believe that sort of rubbish." She sniggered, allowing him a smidge more of her attention. "Like I would ever go out with a man like that, you surely heard what he said to me last week, it is unforgivable." Aria scoffed. "Besides, you should know just as well as I that people love to talk, students especially. Haven't you heard the one about us? It's all a load of nonsense, don't listen to any of it."

"I was simply... curious." He shrugged. "I would not like to think a beautiful woman such as yourself had gone to waste, like you say Severus Snape is simply not worth your time. You deserve much more."

"Thank you, Igor, however I do not think this is an appropriate conversation to have between colleagues, let's keep it professional." Aria suggested, noticing that the headmaster had a tendency to sidetrack the conversation to her love life.

A minute or more passed while the pair sat in silence before another knock interrupted.

Assuming it to be a student, Aria rose from her desk and made her way to the door. "Severus." She gasped, not expecting him to respect her privacy, just as Karkaroff had not. "You knocked?... again." Aria's eyes widened, taking a step back as she came face to face with the potions master.

"Yes, well, while I am not overjoyed with the current arrangements, I at least respect your need for some privacy." Severus wavered at the door, his eyes flickering towards the young woman, before taking it upon himself to enter the room, stopping almost immediately upon spotting Igor.

"I see I was right to to announce myself." The two men shared a short but intense glare. "Igor. I see you've made yourself quite at home."

"Oh... umm, Professor Karkaroff had just stopped by for a chat while I finish up on some marking." Aria rushed to explain, knowing exactly where Snape's mind was heading. "What can I do for you, Severus?"

"I came to collect the essays I assigned last week, I did not think it fair to leave them all to you while I sat in my room twiddling my thumbs."

"That's very kind of you Severus. Would you care to join us, you look like you could use the company." Aria practically begged.

Severus considered her offer for a second, knowing that what he wanted least of all was to spend time with Igor Karkaroff. However, on the other hand, he also wasn't too keen on leaving the pair alone, unsure of what he might spill to his apprentice. In the end Snape's better judgment overcame his pride and so he proceeded to pull up a chair, separating the two already seated professors.

Severus set to aggressively scribbling notes in the margins of the students essays, the scratching of his quill on parchment dominating the room. A long while past with only this and the sounds of bubbling cauldrons occupying the professors' ears. The tension between the three thickened as time went on. All scared to speak in fear of the other's response.

Finally Igor chose to break the silence, bored of staring at the potion's professors quietly marking away in unison.

"It must be hard for you Severus." Igor tested the waters, waiting on a response.

"What are you hinting at, Igor? What exactly is hard for me?" Snape replied cautiously after a moment of deliberation.

"Well, a man like you; settled in his position, proud of his job, it must be hard knowing you'll be replaced by a must younger, much more attractive model." Karkaroff shifted position in his chair, becoming more comfortable, confident in his ability to undermine the Potions master once again.

"Despite what you may have hoped Igor, you are sorely mistaken. My job is under no threat. I was simply asked to take a short week's sabbatical, in light of the recent events, until all the commotion has died down. And that week is coming to an end." Snape turned his attention from the essays, lifting his quill from the paper, and placing it to the side.

"Yes, yes of course." Igor humoured him. His body language radiating arrogance. "But it must be worrying, knowing that your job is potentially threatened by Miss Dumbledore here. She has the same skills as you, the same knowledge, and what she doesn't know now she soon will once you've been foolish enough to teach it to her. It cannot be easy, being forced to train the woman who will inevitability replace you."

"I do not know what your game is Igor, but I assure you, Miss Dumbledore is no threat to me."

Aria's ears pricked up at the second mention of her name, her gaze shooting between the two men.

"I really don't think this is relevant boys, can't we talk about something else?" Aria nervously nibbled on the edge of her lower lip. She knew where this was going and she didn't have an answer for what was coming. She also knew how vicious these men could be when they really wanted to, and she did not want to be in the room when they both pushed the other too far.

"Oh come on, Aria, darling. It must have crossed your mind. You are younger after all, the students relate to you more, god knows it wouldn't be hard to like you more. Not to mention your lineage, it cannot be more clear who Albus would prefer to employ. His own flesh and blood? Or someone with Severus'... background?"

"Watch your mouth, Igor." Snape droned through gritted teeth and flared nostrils.

"My grandfather didn't bring me here to replace Severus. He's a great professor, and a fantastic friend to him. I would even go as far to say that he trusts Severus' with his life. I am simply an apprentice. A year's training, that's what we agreed." Aria beamed, convinced she had put out the fire, unaware to the fact Igor had just lit another spark right under Severus' feet.

"With his life, eh?" Igor chuckled to himself. "How very clever you have been, Severus."

Confused Aria simply took a step back in the conversation, finally coming to the understanding that none of this was really about her.

Aria could sense Snape was uncomfortable, his body tensed and he straightened his posture, gripping his quill for comfort.

"I think it is time for you to leave, Headmaster Karkaroff. Miss Dumbledore and I are working, and prefer not to be disturbed."

"I see your game, Severus. I always knew you were a smart man, but you have played this very well indeed. But I know you, and I might just be able to beat you at your own game, if you are not careful."

"What is he talking about Snape?" The young woman whispered, turning her full attention to her colleague.

"Goodbye, Igor." Karkaroff gladly took a stand, knowing, despite Snape's commanding tone, he had won this round.

Igor Karkaroff rounded the desk, gently lifting Aria Dumbledore's hand to his lips.

"Until, next time." He breathed, bowing his head to kiss her gently, before showing himself out. "Your past is calling you Severus, and Dumbledore is ready to replace you when you go running right back."

Snape immediately rose from his chair, Aria suspecting that he was ready to storm from the room.

"Fuck." Aria breathed, joining Snape in standing. "What the hell was all that about?"

"That is none of your concern." Snape snapped, beginning to pile his papers.

"Of course... of course, it isn't." Aria shook her head knowing it was a stupid thing to say. "I only meant... well, are you okay?" She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"While I appreciate your concern, Miss Dumbledore. I am not a child who needs consoling, nor do I need your pity. I am perfectly capable of handling the likes of Igor Karkaroff."

"Yes, of course, you are. I...I just-"

"Miss Dumbledore." Severus interjected, huffing though he didn't seem nearly as angry as Aria expected. He saw the woman quickly becoming flustered trying to think of the right thing to say so as not to displease him, this was not a rare occurrence. For once Severus' actually felt sorry for her and decided to cut her some slack. They had, after all, promised to become friends.

"I need you to calm down." Snape softly commanded, though quickly moved on. "While that encounter with Professor Karkaroff was less than pleasant, it is far from unfamiliar to me. Igor and I have a past. A past I would rather forget about, him, on the other hand, not so much. My advise to you is stay out of his way. I am under the impression he has his eye set on you."

"Why would he-"

"Goodnight, Miss Dumbledore." And with that Snape returned to his quarters for the evening, Aria's questions remaining unanswered.

What was Karkaroff up to that concerned her of all people?

Taglist:

@ayamenimthiriel​ @lizlil​

[thompsborn]

do you have any spare ironhusbands or sambucky headcanons?

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY

oh my god okay i’ve been so fucking wrapped up in both ironhusbands and sambucky and absolutely nothing else for WEEKS because of tfatws (obviously if you have seen my endless spam of reblogs but can you BLAME ME) and the portal closed has ironhusbands so i’ve been just. oh my god i am happily drowning in this and them and i do not need nor want air. ok.

also these are all hc’s based just in canon not au, and lol warning this got so long help me, though my brain is so scrambled from tfatws finale that all sambucky thoughts are scrambled and jumbled so i wasn't able to coordinate them as well as ironhusbands so the ironhusbands section is definitely longer pfighf i'm so sorry i'm like this

ironhusbands:

when they met at mit tony didnt know shit. like. like nothing. he didnt know a single god damn thing about anything. like he was a genius he could solve any equation given to him and baffled professors when he was handed like two supposedly impossible equations to this fuckin fourteen year old and he just looked at them with like a mcdonalds burger or some shit hanging out of his mouth and just answered them no problem, but he was still such a hopeless idiot, and rhodey, also a genius attending as a sixteen year old, had to teach him the basics of life, like. making toast. tony how do NOT know how to make toast. its TOAST. you put it in the TOASTER. have you NEVER SEEN A—OH MY GOD HOW DID YOU FUCKING CATCH IT ON FIRE—

he does not perfect the clearly impossible task of making toast until he is 17 and rhodey buys him a cake to celebrate the momentous occasion even though tony went though 528 toasters

you are gold by the national parks. thats it. thats all i have to say. listen to the song and look up the lyrics. you’ll get it.

and also paper planes by jon bellion but specifically for after rhodey tells tony he’s gonna join the air force and tony is worried but doesnt know how to show it and they have like a chill night in and all tony can think about is how stupid he is and how he’s such a coward because he cant get himself to tell rhodey that hi!! i love u!! and im scared to lose u and that you’ll get hurt and maybe die or smth!!

when rhodey finds out about how tony was raised (going with mcu, where tony wasnt physically abused but more emotionally neglected and ignored by howard and always talked down to and compared to others and wasnt treated like he was worthy and never was told he was loved and everything like that) he gets PISSED. like he is MONUMENTALLY angry. and it takes YEARS for him to find out about this too. and it actually puts a bit of a strain on their friendship for awhile when they meet too

like rhodey knows about the starks obviously and he assumes tony is going to be this obnoxious arrogant rich boy asshole and is so not looking forward to being roommates but he was raised to have an open mind and give everyone a chance, but tony was raised to be wary of everyone and keep his walls up and his emotions in shackles because whatever he shows can be used against him, so they clash, you know? they dont fight or anything but theres tension bc it isnt right and they dont get each other.

rhodey tries to be nice and tony doesnt understand nice because his only example of nice is jarvis and his mom and even then his mom and jarvis are always off with his dad so he barely sees them so its still rare for him to experience the nice of them so he doesnt know how to be around someone nice all the time, and so he gets defensive and thinks about how howard drilled it into him to be wary and he thinks maybe rhodey isnt ACTUALLY nice but someone PRETENDING to be

and rhodey starts to feel justified in assuming the worst about tony stark because tony is all cold and distant and rude and is about to stop the keeping an open mind thing about a month into their first year but then he comes back to their dorm early from class one day and tony doesnt come in so rhodey is just standing there and watches for a minute as tony sits there staring down at his twenty sixth attempt at a letter he wants to send his mom becauss he knows his mom likes letters even though he could just call but they havent really called him (howards fault but he’s fourteen still and its hard to rationalize that howards busy life and controlling thumb extends past his son) and rhodey is just confused because tony just suddenly sighs and sniffles a bit and murmurs “this is so stupid” and crumbles up the paper and throws it in the garbage and rhodey cant help but peer into it and barely sees the words hey mom scribbled at the top and that. that. hm. okay.

so rhodey keeps trying because he wasnt supposed to see that but he did and now he kind of has a feeling that maybe tony isnt all that cold and distant and rude as he seems, maybe he just doesnt really know how to be any different, so he thinks about all the subtle little ways that his family has shown him they care about him and starts to invite tony to go get food or to study together even though neither of them really need to study or to help each other with assignments or just anything thats mundane enough to not raise suspicion but still starts to open the door and make tony relax around him just that little bit and then before tony realizes it the end of their first year is there and theyre like friends or something and it hits him that he’s gonna miss rhodey.

for the first time ever there’s someone other than his mom and jarvis that he’s actually going to miss.

rhodey grins at him and says that they’ll be roommates again next year because they have to be and that the summer will be over before they know it and the sentiment is nice but tony spends the summer alone wandering around a house too big and empty after being in a dorm that’s small and has a friend.

but rhodey doesn’t know this. like he knows that tony isn’t the kind of guy he originally assumed but he doesn’t know that he’s literally ignored and neglected and like emotionally and sometimes verbally abused so he’s kind of surprised when the next year begins and they DO end up being roommates again (because tony kind of asked his mom, on a rare day when he got to see her and howard wasnt around, to get mit to make sure they could be) and tony just HUGS him like its been years and they’ve known each other forever but he goes with it and hugs him back because maybe tony’s just more affectionate once he gets to know someone and rhodey is okay w that.

they get closer as the years go by and they graduate from mit together and they’re BEST friends and at the end of the year rhodey invites tony to spend new years eve w his family but tony cant bc howard is having some kind of gala starting at 5 because hes weird and dumb and tony hates it and he also isnt given the option of not going even though he doesnt want to but the entire way there howard drills into him about not fucking up and berates him for all the times he has in the past and when they get there tony is already just not feeling it so he’s like nope!! no!! i simply cannot!!

so he goes in and finds an exit thats in the back and he leaves and finds a fucking payphone of all things and he has rhodeys home number memorized for years now and he calls and someone he doesnt knoe answers and theres music in the background and voices and tony’s entire stomach is in his throat and his heart is sunken into his twisted gut because he just wanted one night where maybe he could smile next to his parents and feel like he fit with them but he couldnt have that and he asks to talk to rhodey and then he is and asks if its too late to accept his invite and rhodey is like yeah of course do u need my address bc its still only 5 pm and its a 2 hour drive between south philadelphia and manhattan so he’d make it with plenty of time before it got to midnight so yay

and tony is like. oh. hm. i dont know how to drive actually. that was a thing that no one ever thought to teach me even though i asked about it about ten million times. and rhodey is used to tony not knowing how to do things that most people their age can (see: the toast) and plus its not uncommon for people from new york to not drive anyway so he doesnt think anything of it and instead asks for tony’s address to come pick him up instead and they’d still make it back by like 9-9:30 so that would work too

and thats when tony is like. well.

about that.

he might be calling from a payphone.

on a random street corner.

and its kind of raining. and he’s cold. and he’s a bit dulled out from everything so he doesn’t really think about the fact that admitting this is going to lead to having to explain what happened and also why and that is happens often. but that doesnt matter because he kind of just wants to be with his best friend and not back at that gala with his dad right now.

rhodey is like,,, ok. ok. wheres a coffee shop nearby u can wait in. and tony thankfully is by a 24 hour one and tells him the name and the street corner its closest to and rhodey is like i’ll be there asap and tony goes and he waits.

a two hour drive turns into an hour and a half because rhodey is Worried™

but when he walks in tony goes from being all dulled out to being all HOLY SHIT because rhodey has a SPLIT LIP and he’s like WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHAT THE FUCK WHAT

and rhodey’s like no no its good my uncle was having fun and trying to wrestle with me and he accidentally elbowed me its all good man dont worry about it

tony isnt used to accidentally being hurt tho so he’s still like hmmm but he takes rhodeys word on it and they head out and tony wont say what happened or why he was calling from a payphone ?? which btw tony literally only was able to do bc there happened to be dropped change on the ground because boy would not have change on him ok, but rhodeys like alright lets go with this for now

so they gets to the rhodes house and it is in full swing with family and extended family and adopted family bc they are 100% the family that just adopts the neighborhood kids and the people who have no one else and like ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends even after the relationship ends bc they still are family despite not dating whoever it was they had been dating in order to be introduced to them so its a LOT of people and tony is like. this is semi familiar in terms a lot of people but this is NOTHING like what he has ever seen before holy fucking SHIT

rhodey is just like oh u have a small family then? so ur used to smaller gatherings?

and tonys like wtf are gatherings

and rhodey is starting to get a feel for what might be wrong but just takes tony inside to get him changed because he’s not spending new years eve at the rhodes house in a fucking expensive suit ok

tony is completely out of his element and like he’s not the only white guy there bc again the rhodes adopt people and those people are of every race and nationally you can imagine but he just isnt used to the vibe there are people laughing and sitting close together and playing games and theres music playing but not like classy music its music people can dance to and are dancing to and the food isnt the food he’s used to at galas and shit and nothing is what he’s used to and he just sticks to rhodey’s side like a fucking lost puppy and tries his best not to look like an idiot when rhodey introduces him to people and a lot of them know who he is but dont judge him or assume shit about him bc obviously if he’s friends w rhodey then he’s a good guy and they want to know him and thats enough

but tony is v overwhelmed bc what the FUCK IS HAPPENING this is nothing like anything he has ever experienced EVER

so eventually rhodey can tell he’s getting overwhelmed and takes him inside and lets him have a breather and then asks him about whats going in and thats when rhodey learns about what tonys life at home is really like and. anger.

SO MUCH anger

because not only has every single assumption he has ever made about tony been proven wrong, but now he knows that the best person he knows has never been treated the way he deserves and has never known a true home and comfort and love and safety and

and he’s gonna fix it

and this is the first step

so he takes tony back out and they’re still just friends but this is the day they both quietly realize they might kind of definitely like each other as more because tony is still so confused by the fact that what he knows isnt the normal and overwhelmed by how much there is and how different it is but rhodey holds his hand as a grounding point and whenever it might be too much they move off to the side where they arent completely gone but its less hectic and a bit more quiet and its just nice

tony goes to rhodeys house for every holiday despite whatever howard says

rhodey decks howard the only time they ever meet before tonys parents die and he has the most shit eating grin on his face afterwards that tony cant help but lose his shit laughing his ass off

anyway i didnt mean to ramble for so long about that specific idea so i’ll end the ironhusbands ramble with this one last thought, which is as follows:

rhodey gets hurt in the air force at some point, and it isnt that bad tbh but he does have to go the hospital and shit and gets stitches or whatever idk i dont know what specifically happens i just think it’d be just bad enough that it takes him a few weeks to be able to go back to work but he’s not like OH GOD HURT yk?

but like stated above tony was scared and worried when rhodey told him he was gonna go into the air force so he hears about this and they’re probably like almost 30 at this point because they’re dumb and it takes them forever to get their heads out of their asses (i say this even though in the portal closed it takes them even longer but i digress) rhodey has like his mon his sister his niece visiting him and they were worried but they know hes fine so theyre just talking and in a good mood and then—

door slams open. tony stark enter stage left. disheveled suit, fresh from a meeting he definitely was not supposed to leave, having flown in from maibu the second he heard and then had happy drive him and then got impatient because of traffic and ended up sprinting like ten blocks while happy was like what the FUCK

of course rhodeys family are well aware that these idiots are desperately in love with each other so they’re just like lol ok and just leave the room while tony starts fretting over him like he’s about to die himself if he doesnt know if rhodey is okay and rhodey is like tony tony dude tones stop tony im okay tony stop it

until finally tony just fucking breaks down like full on tears in his eyes voice cracking hands clasped as he leans against rhodeys bed and tells him that he was so scared and he is so scared all the time whenever rhodey is out there because all he can think about is losing him and him getting hurt or dying and it’s maddening and this is when they get their heads out of their asses and kiss for the first time

(irony at its finest bc later when they are married and tony becomes iron man rhodey refuses to not have a suit of his own because if tony is going out there in a metal flying tin can then he isn’t going alone and wow what a power couple)

sambucky:

firstly i’m going to go post tfatws, but i’ll make a bullet point before going into it so if you wanna read up until that point you can but most of this will be random little headcanons based post tfatws

also it isnt like a whole plotline thing like the ironhusbands ones ended up being these ones are more random and kinda all over the place but loosely connected

update from after writing this: i lied

let me start by saying my interpretation of why they are the way they are in civil war is because of steve

thats not saying steve is the bad guy i mean to say that they’re jealous of each other because they thought that THEY were steve’s best friend who the fuck is THIS guy i dont want him here go away

children. they are children.

which i find very funny to imagine from sams pov because he literally is a licensed therapist and would 100% recognize why he’s acting how he is but he’s petty enough to do it anyway

and also he literally was helping steve track bucky down but i like to imagine that sam didnt think they’d ever really find him again and it’d just make him and steve like super mega best friends or something because hes a CHILD

and then from bucky’s pov steve goes through all this trouble to find him and protect him and then this random guy is acting like steve’s best friend and gets to sit in the front seat ??? bullshit. absolutely bullshit. worst thing ever. so stupid.

its so funny to me okay its SO funny

its like that schoolyard thing where your friend makes another friend and you hate it so much that you do something stupid like color on their drawing or put gum in their hair or whatever but they’re adults with 1. super soldier serum or 2. a superhero reputation/avengers status and suit with wings. so thats a thing.

post civil war i dont think they get much yk. because bucky is out in cryo and team cap is on the run and i doubt theyre able to return to wakanda much, if at all, and then it’s infinity war and then it’s endgame and after endgame there’s the aftermath and the aftermath is a mess

i like to think they have some moments before tfatws though. not many but enough for that slight foundation thats we can kind of see in episode 2 yk.

okay NOW it gets into post tfatws so!!

SO post tfatws everything is different because now they not only have spent all this time together, but they understand each other in a way that they didn’t before. in a way no one ever has. not even steve, who may have known them before, but he isn’t here anymore and he wouldn’t understand who they are now vs who they were before and it’s different.

bucky finds comfort in sam’s home town. sam finds comfort in watching bucky find a home there and he doesnt know why.

also sam treats redwing like a puppy and lets him fly around on his own and gets pet and stuff and bucky acts annoyed but the longer it happens you can tell he’s like “oh my god why is this thing endearing”

bucky has nightmares and sam knows this but bucky doesnt know that sam also has nightmares until one night when they’re still in sams home town and they’re staying on the boat because sams nephews are having a sleepover with some friends and they didnt want to get in the way or smth idk i just want an excuse for them to be on the boat and somewhat secluded from people but bucky already woke up from his nightmare and is out on the deck to get some fresh out and then oop

sam havin a nightmare too

because fucking of COURSE sam has nightmares he has been through some shit too!! not being able to catch riley and everything that happened since meeting steve and thanos and he turned to dust alone in the bushes ok like yes everyone that died were traumatized undoubtedly (peter my baby boy baby im so sorry that you got the worst of it) but bucky was around people but sam was laying on the ground and probably just watched his hands as he disappeared and he was alone and like. jesus christ ok.

and then steve trusted him with every weight and everything that comes with the shield not knowing how much more the shield has when he gave it to a black man and just like he has nightmares everyone in marvel does its a fact

but bucky finds out like this and he is shocked even though he realizes he probably should have been able to guess that this is a thing and he knows so much more about sam now than he ever did but this is how he learns more. he learns about riley. he learns so much.

sometimes bucky has those like “oh shit” moments where he’s like “maybe i was kind of a dick to someone who didnt deserve it” and he already had one of those with sam about the shield but he has another one because he assumed shit about sam when they were being all childish and jealous about someone else being friends with steve but like fuck

steve and sam probably got it

the not catching someone. the way it felt to try and to reach out and to miss and to have to choice but to watch as they fell.

what’s different is that steve got bucky back. he got to have that relief, eventually, even if there was the pain of knowing bucky had been taken by hydra, but at least he knew bucky had made it.

sam didn’t have that. riley didnt make it.

therefore, bucky has his “oh shit”

and bucky was already going soft around the edges with sam (as clearly seen in the last two episodes of tfatws, ESPECIALLY the finale because like did tou SEEZ ALL THE HEART EYES oh my GOD) but it’s this that really makes something in him melt and he just. he loses the last remnants of whatever tension or resentment or whatever negative feeling he may have been clutching onto.

there wasnt much left. but now theres none. now its all washed away.

its gone, and he gets it.

sam is a licensed therapist and he knew the reason he was being all dumb and childish and jealous with bucky was because steve had another best friend but also because steve’s other best friend was the guy that had been a big factor in how him and steve understood each other and how they bonded and it

it had kind of felt like they lost part of that when they found bucky again in civil war and he kind of wanted to blame bucky for it even though he didnt actually blame him at all so all it translated to was that dumb kind of jealous thing instead

but now it’s just them. its sam and bucky and it isnt steve and it isnt about steve and it shouldnt be because its about them. its about the boat and the water and the way they sit and watch the waves while the silence settles over them and the way that bucky says, “im sorry.”

its the way sam says, “me too.”

and bucky says, “you dont have to be.”

its the way they stay there until sarah comes to get them for breakfast and sams nephews convince them to play with them and their friends and the world is still shit and there is so much to do but

but its this and its them and that can wait

it can wait

they can take their time if they want to

maybe they’ve earned that much, at least

(it isn't a fast development because they're a complicated pair and there's so much to the two of them that need to figured out individually before they can even realize how well they work together, but the steps are so much easier knowing that they have the other in their corner and bucky knows that sam's home town is a place he's welcome to go and sam helps him make his own dreary little apartment into something that feels real and tangible with a bed and a couch and when they've become something that resembles stable and they've found a balance and they're okay, that's when they realize that maybe they can try for the more that sometimes bubbles under their skin and that they started to think about the more they spend time together. the warmth that sam feels every time he sees bucky playing games with his nephew and the smile that bucky has to fight to hide and still can't fully suppress when sam stands tall and proud with the shield in its rightful place, and it takes time, it takes work, it takes carefully placed bricks to build the foundation they need, but they get there, and when they do...

when they do, they're already happy, and it just makes them happier, and that's what makes it so much better.

that's what makes it worth the wait.)