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saytrrose · 9 months

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Someone reblogged your Kinger and Queenie comic and I saw your reblog on curious anons, so here I am.

Anyways, dunno if ya have done this before but ya got headcanons on Kinger's relationships with everyone on TADC?

Like, besties with someone in specific, we get along even if he doesn't know we get along, that kind of stuff.

Ooh!! I really love this question eee

Kinger Headcanons! With.. EVERYONE! (Im including the abstracted characters, they are so so silly in my brain rn and i have a strong perception of them)

—————

Queenie:

- Queenie and him started out with a mutual.. dislike? Dislike from Queenies side, and general uncomfort from Kingers side.

- From the start their relationship was more so small bickering, mutual pining even, They both possess a sarcastic side to them, (I personally believe before Kinger went crazy that he used to be rather analytical and in control, a lot smarter yk.)

- They both were constantly compared for their likeness, which of course gave them a sense of need to.. prove themselves better? To stand out? Saw eachother as an obstacle until FINALLY they tried actually having a conversation.

- Their relationship dynamic is very much golden retriever x black cat.

- Once they actually were in a relationship, Queenie definitely keeps her sassy personality but she’s very soft spoken around Kinger.

- Kinger also changes, they act more differently around eachother than anyone else. Their general idea of “we are different” changes to “we are the only ones that truly understand one another”

- Oh they bickered SO MUCH it’s so silly, Queenie loves to tease, seem like she has a large ego but in private around just him she’s very very vulnerable and relies on him for comfort. She doesn’t feel like she needs to act a specific way around him or ever get really defensive.

- Kingers personality doesn’t change as much as Queenies does around people, however he does lean into feeling more vulnerable around her as well. He tries to seem calm and mostly friendly, but in private with just her he feels like he can actually rant and get emotional.

—————

Wriggle:

- Kinger and Wriggle have a very funny dynamic, as Wriggle is Queenies “best friend is the whole wide world” (quoted by Wriggle, not Queenie)

-They often like to wriggle in between Kinger and Queenie, (hahaha look at me I’m so funny I love puns please don’t unfollow me) they are bit clingy towards Queenie which Kinger doesn’t particularly mind in the slightest.

- Putting Queenie aside, those two I’d say are good friends too. Wriggle loves to ramble on and on to Kinger about things they enjoy or made or did- the list is endless and it’s usually Kinger when it comes to this because atleast Kinger looks like he’s paying attention, whereas Queenie has that.. blank stare.. (autism, your honor)

- Think of Wriggle as a wingman also, They know Queenie well, and things she wouldn’t tell Kinger? Thats Wriggles job. For example, Queenie talks about how it’d be cute to receive flowers but doesn’t want to outright ask for them, Wriggle goes to Kinger and keeps jabbing him in the side with their tail until his attention is gained, and tells him “you know what you should do!!” you get what happens fr

- The wingman job was specifically asked of by Kinger, to which Wriggle, being the snooty little “hmmm idk if I like you enough” worm they are.. obviously decides not to share Queenies private words. (I’m still deciding if Kinger persuaded Wriggle into the idea that it’d make Queenie happier in the long run or if he just dropped to his knees like PLEASEPLEASEOLEAZEPLEASE-)

—————

Slinky:

- Slinky and Kinger have a good relationship, they aren’t really friends that hang out on their own time, but if they are ever in a group then they’d interact.

- Slinky loves to knit and crochet, and she made a task to knit everyone a tiny plush to have. She gave Kinger a tiny stag beetle plush, and he adores it so much, it’s right on his bed. ☠️ (perhaps I could make another post listing all the plushies Slinky made for everyone but idkkk only if it’s inquired about)

- They are the two shyest? Of the whole group, not inherently shy but the most quiet unless spoken to and definitely most anxiety filled. They have an unspoken code of certain looks they give eachother that they can instantly understand.

- In Kingers full honesty, if he was given the chance to choose a person to be in his team for an adventure and Queenie was taken, he’d choose Slinky. She’s just a very patient individual and he thinks he goes well with someone like that.

—————

Kaufmo:

- Their friendship is like trying to combine oil and water.. they don’t mix easily… They have respect for one another, an extent of it and Kinger probably has more than Kaufmo but they have very different conflicting personalities.

- Kaufmo is prickly and pessimistic most of the time, however I do want to think around Kinger he hold back a little. These two ended up being the last of the old cast, they’ve been through alot together…

- Kaufmo hates lovey dovey stuff, god forbid Kinger even rests a hand on Queenies side or something- he WILL point it out like a toddler grossed out by seeing their parents kiss.

- I think after Queenie abstracts it really changes. I want to assume that is when Kinger finally fully lost every marble he was hanging onto and Kaufmo.. well he realized how much he really missed those two together.

- Post Queenie, I think their relationship evolves from annoyance to much more understanding, not knowing eachother too personally as one would hope, given their circumstances but they would still go out of their way for a quick “are you okay?”

—————

Peepo:

- Peepo is a super sweet guy, and I’d say he was a good acquaintance of Kingers just for the fact there wasn’t too many guys and they were both very friendly.

- Peepo was the first to arrive of this old group, so he was much like in Kingers place with the current crew. However he’s not crazy because this is likely to beginning of when people started to get trapped in the game still, and not too much time had even passed. Aka, more people were entering than abstracting most definitely.

- Anyway, to touch up on the above one, because of this he has a sort of natural leadership over everyone, people seem to seek him out on information about the world just because he’s been there the longest. This includes Kinger! To Peepo, if he needed a right hand man he actually really relied on Kinger.

- There’s a small place by the digital lake that no one knows about except Peepo. When the sun starts to set he almost always likes to just.. go outside the tent and walk to it, and the only person he ended up showing was Kinger. It became sort of a spot for just them to talk, which is likely what made them closer. Kinger later would use this exact spot to ask Queenie out…Jumping to canon, the only person who knows of the spot now is Kinger, and he often goes there to seclude himself.

—————

Moppsy:

- Even though I put her here, I can’t really come up with anything! I use Moppsy as the first abstraction Kinger would witness, and likely didn’t really know her or have a relationship with her. Putting her here to include this though!

—————

Pomni:

- Woo!! Og cast now!! I think Pomni and Kinger will get along well given time. While Kinger is certainly.. eclectic in his personality at this point in his stay in the circus, I think Pomni would be comfortable talking to him about things more than Jax or Zooble, who knows! Just based on what I know from the pilot.

- Kinger used to invite anyone and everyone into the pillow forts he made, but once majority of the old cast abstracted I’d assume he stopped completely, instead using it as his own safe haven. However, Pomni is the first one that he very awkwardly asks if she would like to come inside, which leads to him feeling more inclined and comfortable to invite the others.

- Kinger notices and thinks Pomni is very different than the others, anyone he’s known so far infact and he probably outright tells her this because he lacks the ability to really filter his thoughts anymore. She doesn’t quite understand the nonsense he babbles out about it, but in the series if Pomni finds the exit or changes the circus for the better or WHATEVER goes on as she’s the protagonist, I’m just gonna say Kinger had a gut feeling from the start.

- Pomni seems to care the most when Kinger wants to show someone a bug, and that can be left up to the interpretation that the others just got tired of him doing it all the time and Pomnis not used to it yet, or she genuinely just tries to nod along and it makes him very happy to get a response.

—————

Ragatha:

- I think during the whole old cast abstracting and being replaced, if we look at the lineup of how everyone entered, I think Ragatha was the only one to actually know Queenie. Atleast see in person for a while, perhaps.

- I think those two would have gotten along SOOO well but!! This is about Kinger,, and I think Kinger and Ragatha also get along very well. She reminds him of Slinky…

- They both know they don’t talk or vent about their own problems at all, atleast anymore for Kinger. They are both bad at keeping it bottled up inside and while they both understand this about eachother, they don’t pry.

- If anything they have tea together often, and only they know alot about tea and really really enjoy it so it’s like their own bonding thing in a way.

- Ragatha came out to him first as a lesbian for some interesting strange reason, though if we follow my beloved trans Queenie hc I like to apply to things sometimes then she likely did it because she knows Kinger isn’t judgmental on lgbt topics.

—————

Zooble:

- I enjoy thinking of Zooble as an angsty teenage child compared to Kingers senile old dad energy

- I think in Kingers eyes they seem to get along a little bit but he’s just a tad intimidated. In Zoobles eyes they wouldn’t let anyone know how much they really like Kinger, afterall he’s nothing but sweet when being spoken with. It’s a nice break from.. Jax or Caine, even the others who are very emotional. Yes they can be kind too, but it’s like you don’t have to try with Kinger because he’s so finicky that he doesn’t remember every detail of your interaction to judge you on it anymore.

- I like to think whenever Kinger needs help with something Zooble lets out a dramatic sigh and goes to help him (no one asked them to and anyone else could’ve volunteered but okay Zoob we know you just genuinely like his company)

- Zooble gave him a weighted blanket as a gift to include in his pillow forts once and he had a panic attack while under it once because he couldn��t move (he loves it so so much I promise)

- Again hhh Dad Daughter vibe I really enjoy it I think Queenie would’ve adored Zooble like a mother too plsplsplsolsolsols

—————

Jax:

- Jax would call Kinger a boomer a lot and it stresses Kinger out so much because he doesn’t know what it means and when he asked Zooble to explain it to him they convinced him it was slur and so Kinger got Caine to censor the word boomer

- Kinger is like genuinely terrified of Jax and how much of a menace he is, he’s never known anyone that acts like this mf its insane

- Kinger does infact has some pet bugs in a large terrarium in his room and because Jax has keys to everyone’s rooms he with steal Kingers bugs (an example, the centipede he put in Ragathas room? Probably Kingers..)

- Kinger honestly tries his best to avoid Jax hhshs

—————

Gangle:

- Kinger is probably the closest to Gangle of everyone in the current cast.

- Gangle likes to draw and write and ramble and everything to Kinger, even when she has her tragedy mask on, he seems to cheer her up a little just by hanging out near her. Kinger really enjoys it.

- When Gangle does have her happy mask on, it irks something inside Kinger. She really reminds him of Wriggle. And he was much closer to Wriggle than Slinky so.. it bothers him a bit unlike Ragatha being similar to Slinky in few ways.

- She introduced him to anime and while she has a giant ass list of ones she enjoys he’s.. just quite fixated on ghibli movies… he finds them neat.

- They are.. autism buddies.. More so it’s well aware with everyone that Kinger is diagnosed with Autism but Gangle isn’t diagnosed, and Kinger is the only one staring HARD like “hhh ik what you are” fr fr anyway because I hc them both as autistic that’s another reason they tend to group together and get along more.

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autiebiographical · 1 year

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Turned 37 today! Let’s goooooo!!!!

I find the more I age the less I fear aging. 10 years ago the idea of getting older terrified me. I was 3 years away from 30 and felt I had nothing going for me.

I was a high school and college dropout. I couldn’t hold on to a job, not even a volunteer one (thankfully I was on disability at the time so I was okay financially). I had just gotten out of a seriously toxic 20 year friendship and was still heavily mentally scarred. I felt like I was nothing.

Now here I am. I like who I am now. I’m still a high school and college drop out. Still can’t hold down a job. The difference is that I’m more forgiving and compassionate to myself.

It wasn’t until I was 33 that I started really understanding my own autism. It was actually my comic that helped me. I entered the autistic community just to share my silly little slice of life comic about being autistic, and from there started learning who I truly am.

Thank you for helping me. I’ve grown so much since I first started posting my comic. I’m not sure if I can actually thank you enough, but hopefully my comics will be enough for now.

So cheers to being older, fatter, and happier!

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braxiatel · 2 years

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Goodtimeswithscar is a sexyman and I will prove it to you

If you are still on the fence I encourage you to look at the sexypedia - a wikipedia dedicated to tumblr sexymen - and checking out their tropes page. Scar meets 35/62 on a list where recent winner of the tumblr sexyman poll Cecil Palmer of WTNW fame only has 8 listed on his character page!

35!

Scar is Textbook, and if you need proof I have gone through all the tropes and explained why they apply to him!

VOTE SCAR!

4th Wall Blurring: This one is arguable due to the nature of the medium but I’ll include it

Animal Theming: See: animal hybrid headcanons and designs. Cat Scar, panda Scar, hyena Scar, avian Scar - they’re everywhere!

Angst: That cactus ring… magic mountain. need I say more? This boy has angst.

Bait: *gestures at the shirtless skins*

Capitalist: she sells sea shells on the sea shore but the value of these shells will fall due to the laws of supply and demand no one wants to buy shells cause there’s loads on the sand step one you must create a sense of scarcity

Chaoslord: HotGuy! [snipes you for no good reason]

Criminal: shells will sell much better if the people think they’re rare you see bear with me take as many shells as you can find and hide them on an island stockpile them high until they’re rarer than the price of diamond

Con Artist: step two gotta make the people think that they want them really fucking want them hit ‘em like Bronson influencers product placement if you haven’t got a shell then you’re just a fucking waste man

Dealmaker: three it’s monopoly invest inside some property start a corporation make a logo do it properly shells must sell that will be your new philosophy swallow all your morals they’re a poor man’s quality

Distinctive Voice: I do not need to make any arguments here. Have you heard him???

Quotable Catchphrase(s): well hello there, scarred for life, “a-ma-zing”, etc.

Distinctive Laugh: I think I autism stole Scar’s laughter (whoops) so I’m giving him this one too, but also that gigle is just very good and we all know it, right?

Dominating: from the trope description: “Characters who assert their power over others. Could be through manipulation, magic, smugness, or force of personality.” Yes.

Duality: Convex did not put their whole entire vexussies into that possession storyline for us to forget about it.

Egotistical: This one is arguable and a question of characterisation, but I think that we can all agree that on some levels, yes.

Eldritch: From the trope description: “Since the typical sexyman is a tall mostly human looking pale twink, in a vast majority of the cases the eldritch is a heavy implication lying just under the surface.” Hello? Vex Scar??

Gay: See subsection:

LGBTQ+ Coded: That cactus ring. Mumbo “eye candy” Jumbo. The season 7 mayoral race. Concorp. His jolly rancher arc. This man has so many boyfriends.

Girlboss: listen I think a lot of characters who aren’t traditional girlbosses get called so, but with Scar I think it’s accurate okay. Did Scar utilize girl power effectively when he and Cub were blatant war profetiers during the season 6 civil war? yes. Absolutely. Girlboss.

Glowing Neon: vex blue anyone?

Hot-headed: Don’t let his calm exterior fool you. Remember. Scar when someone steals his horse: *sets their whole entire house on fire*.

Intelligence: yes but also see subsection

Smartdumb: Okay listen. Scar is Smart. Scar is very smart. And I specifically have to make sure you know I am talking character only here because cc!Scar seems to me to be a Very intelligent person with a wide field of knowledge. But uhm. c!Scar dies so much and so often in ways that are completely unavoidable. He does silly things without thinking of the consequences. I have seen enough people calling him a himbo (beloathed term) enough times that I do not need to argue this point. He is smart but also babygirl Why are you like this.

Johnlocked: “When two characters are shipped extensively by fans despite the pairing not necessarily being canon (or even present) in the original work.” it started out with a cactus ring how did it end up like this, it was only a cactus ring, it was only a cactus ring

Knifemurder: Hotguy! [snipes you a second time]

Magnificent Bastard: This Is The Whole Point. Scar oozes charisma even when he is the villain and that’s why he is so beloved. He is smart, he is stylish, he is charming, even while he is killng you. This is the point.

Marked Canon/Fanon Divergence: “Sexymen with a large gap between how they are in the original work (Canon) and how they are commonly portrayed in fanworks (Fanon)” see : the fake crystals vs Scar actually having magic, the abs being painted on vs shirtless Scar everywhere, etc.

Monster Features: vex scar vex scar vex scar

Nonhuman: like the vex thing is literally canon it’s not fanon those cons sure did vex

Pale Twink: We could have done many things with this collection of blocks people, and yet my dash is full of shirtless twinks/twunks every day ending with a y. Curious.

Perpetual Smiler: Okay listen this is partially the nature of the medium but also 1) that is a distinctive smile and 2) have you see the fanworks?

Power: This man tried to sell fake magic crystals and we all just decided he can do magic. He was an elf once and now fae/elf Scar headcanons are everywhere.

Scars: I- I’m not explaining myself here. yes???

Tall: I can think of one, maybe two portrayals of Scar that have made him short.

Theme Song: four expand, expand, expand clear forest make land fresh blood on hands five why just shells why limit yourself she sells seashells sell oil as well six guns sell stocks sell diamonds sell rocks sell water to a fish sell the time to a clock seven press on the gas take your foot off the brakes then run to be the president of the united states eight big smile mate big wave that's great now the truth is overrated tell lies out the gate nine polarise the people controversy is the game it don't matter if they hate you if they all say your name ten the world is yours step out on a stage to a round of applause uou're a liar a cheat a devil a whore and you sell seashells on the seashore

Unkempt: so those rugged life series Scars, huh?

Villain: Scar has been the villain several times and has a Long list of crimes to his name

Technically Antagonist: see 3rd life

Villain Protagonist: unreliable narrator Scar my beloved. I love how he just *does terrible things edited to make him look like he’s just a silly little guy having some harmless fun*

Well-Dressed: Hmmm I wonder why waggon/tycoon Scar routinely wins every Scar skin poll. Also he has enough outfits to include these sub categories too:

Suitguy: “Characters who typically wear formalwear, specifically suits. Often includes waistcoats, top hats, bowties, and pinstripes. Other neckwear may also be worn.” Again. The tycoon skin really lives rent free in all out minds, huh?

Long Coat/Cape/Robe/Etc: bathrobe wizard Scar my beloved but also do you know how many thirst trap last life Scars I’ve seen??

White Twink Humanization: He is made out of blocks in canon. We did not need to make him like this and yet we did.

White Hair: last life Scar beloved by many <3

VOTE SCAR!

#I hope this makes sense I am sick today so brain is no #mcyt #mcytblr sexyman #mcytblr sexyman poll #goodtimeswithscar #gtws #hermitblr #hermitcraft #trafficblr #3rd life smp #last life smp #double life smp

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actuallyadhd · 4 months

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i won’t lie i feel silly for reaching out to a tumblr blog but here goes— My father openly admits he has autism and adhd, my mom is (as far as i know) neurotypical, with trauma. And I didn’t know any of this until i reached 17-18 (currently in my 20’s now) now, all my life i was always told “i need to focus” and that i ‘could focus’ if i put in the ‘effort’— but that i just didn’t ‘want to’. and that hurt growing up, because i believed it, why couldn’t i pay attention to the things i needed to, but when it came time for a favorite subject or something that was genuinely intriguing, i would dive in head first and become the knowledgeable in that subject. (which i later learned could simply be hyper fixation) and then from zoning out to not being able to physically shut my mouth(verbally stimming, even when I’m required to be quiet like during tests) — leg bouncing, finger tapping, daydreaming, feeling like i was “different”.

my mom would always push me to be my best which was harmful to me because i never got a chance for rest. she believed “the busier i was, the less trouble i’d get into” so i was in sports and dance and theater, and everything under the sun that could deter from free time. and i guess that was fine until the break downs and shut downs kicked in. then i was lazy and unmotivated and ungrateful even. and i guess after years of that we learn how to mask, which i think i do really well. because when i brought up to my family n friends that i might have ADHD, they just said “i don’t see it” or “mmm i don’t think so—“ 🧍🏽‍♀️

fast forward. and now we’re at a harsh wall of substance abuse, i use THC products because it helps me just, BE. and i did my research as to why and of course. People with low dopamine levels who smoke THC get that reward chemical that we so crave, and then when we keep getting our dopamine that way, it creates a dependency. go figure. i told this to my boyfriend (who is very loving and supportive, but i also don’t think he believes me when i say i might have ADHD) and he smokes too, n he might have ADHD too (he’s not too sure but he had instances as a kid where adults told him n his parents he might) but the difference is his willpower. and it makes me feel like maybe i’m doing something wrong? not to mention that every time i say i want to get medicated everyone will give me a billion reasons not too— (even tho i might just when i get the finances for it)

he swore he was just like me, but the difference is that he just redirected his energy and mind power to just…not. his words not mine. and then i thought maybe he just did CBT therapy on himself, and he thinks he did too. And I’ve tried all the things that people suggest, calendars, timers, reminder apps, adhd apps, writing on sticky notes, writing it on my hands even!

so i guess my questions are — am i doing everything i possibly can? am i trying hard enough to manage this? did i make a mistake somewhere along the way? and how do i keep going about it even when it feels like no one is taking me seriously when i say i’m struggling with this?

-a very tired n drained brain

Sent February 29, 2024

I'm sorry it took me so long to answer this. I don't know if I can help you a lot, but I will do my best to help you where I can.

I see a lot of things in your message that you might want to address with a counsellor. In particular, it seems like you might have some childhood trauma from being expected to suppress your ADHD symptoms. This can make ADHD symptoms harder to manage, and some trauma-related responses can mimic ADHD, which makes it hard to know what's really going on.

As for your boyfriend, it sounds like he may have found some systems that help him with his symptoms. It's also highly likely that your symptoms are different from his, and that you need different systems from those he uses. That doesn't mean you don't have ADHD, and it doesn't mean he doesn't have ADHD either; it just means that you are different people.

The THC use is something you both might want to reconsider. It can be difficult to find good information on the effects of cannabis on the brain, but what information we have indicates that ADHDers who use it are more likely to become addicted. This makes sense, since you're self-medicating. The problem is the addiction plus the possibility of a variety of other issues that can develop with extended use, such as memory problems and difficulty thinking clearly. Obviously the choice is yours, especially if it is legal in your area, and apparently medical marijuana is now being prescribed as treatment for things like depression and anxiety, which are often comorbid with ADHD, so the medical consensus is definitely in flux.

You list a bunch of different things you've tried, but I can't really offer any thoughts on that because what will help you depends a lot on what you're struggling with and why. I don't think your problem is that you're not trying hard enough or anything like that; I think that you've been stuck trying things that work for other people but that don't address your specific difficulties in a way that works for your brain.

It is clear to me that you are struggling, because if you weren't you wouldn't have written such a detailed Ask. You deserve help and support for the things you're struggling with.

If you write in again with more specifics about what you're currently struggling with, I can try to help you figure out what to do about it. If I suggest something you've tried before that didn't work, let me know and I'll see if I can come up with something else, or some tweaks that might work better for you. In addition, other people here may have suggestions for you to try.

Followers, do you have any thoughts on this story? What do you think about using THC for ADHD? How about the dismissiveness of others when we bring up our symptoms to try and get help?

-J

#adhd #actually adhd #asks #anonymous #questioning if adhd #medical marijuana #THC #trauma

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stawpny · 1 year

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ignore that last post I made, here’s some relationships through my series!

Siblings:

NY,CT,NJ,MA

TN,KT

NC,SC

ND,SD

(give me siblings)

Dating??

NY/CA

MA/VA

NJ/RI

FL/LA

GA/KT

WA/OR

Alaska/ME (I didn’t know the thing for him)

PA/OH

(gimme relationships too)

Anyways, I’ve bored you enough, so here’s some HEADCANNONS

-New York and California both live laugh love Taylor swift. They would definitely sing songs to each other, like Lover, Delicate, and more.

-New York City is petrified of Los Angeles. I don’t know why, but I just think it’s funny. Like when Cal brings like his kids over, NYC just hides in a corner until they go away.

-California has 3 cats, New York has 2. Cal def has a cat name Meredith, maybe Olivia too. The other one could be named Goldie or something like that. York has a ginger one that’s named apple, and another ginger one, but he’s a kitten, named boots, for puss in boots. (I thought it was a cute name)

-the pigeons flock to New York when I’m the city, no matter where, they’ll always be near New York. They would also sit on his head, and wouldn’t move until he went inside somewhere. He has named every one, and gets sad when they die. (tears maybe)

-New York has an upside-down smile.

-he doodles all over his paper and other peoples papers too. He once doodled on Texas’ paper, making a stick figure with a cowboy hat and boots.

-autism

- he never had good luck with women because they all wanted a manly man, and NY isn’t one. So, he went for men, hooking up with guys in gay bars in NYC.

-I like to believe that if he isn’t angry or aggressive, you can hear the Dutch in his voice slightly, it’s small but you can hear it. Especially when he speaks Dutch too.

-Tounges and Teeth by the Crane Wives. NY is speaking, CA is being spoken to.

-Cal and York go on silly little dates and outings together, like just sitting ontop of a skyscraper or running through Central Park in the snow or in the fall.

-“Why can’t you swim in the Hudson?” . “Do you wanna fuckin’ become mutated then fuckin’ die? I don’ think so.” -NY & NJ. (the fact that I saw people swimming in the Hudson when Brooklyn flooded was WILD.)

-oh yeah speaking of flooding, when that happens, they are constantly soaked and have trouble breathing. I feel like CA would have no clue what to do if NY was flooding, he would like freak out, then make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

-daddy issues but doesn’t show it, unlike Texas.

-doesn’t allow himself to forget, but allows himself to forgive. He could be hurt by someone so badly, but he believes he deserves it, so he would apologize to someone that deserves to be 6ft under the ground. (thank u to sleepdeprivedsimp for thsi amazing idea, I <3 ur HC’s sm!)

—

Sorry that these weren’t the happiest,

but I hope u enjoyed

ily guys sm

BYEEEEEE

take another silly cat

#very silly #wttsh #wttt #welcome to the statehouse #wttt new york #wttsh headcanons #wttsh new york #wttt headcanons #wttt california #wttt shipping #silly cats #someone take these pictures away from me #i’m having way too much fun with this

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rotingdoll · 7 months

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Self diagnose is valid.

Not everyone can get an official diagnosis. It’s expensive and take a lot of time.

It’s so hard getting a diagnose for so many reasons

Like my diagnose took 5 years and many many appointments with different doctors and I’m lucky enough to live in a country that offers psychiatrists and therapists as a part of the free healthcare system(and the fact we have free healthcare in the first place here is also a privilege)so I got my diagnose from two autism specialists for free as a part of the healthcare system and still had to pay around 2000$ for a psychological diagnose.

And it was only when I started middle school that my school insisted on my parents taking me to see a psychiatrist because I had a lot of meltdowns and shut downs in my first week of middle school. if my school didn’t beg my parents and said I couldn’t go to school until I see a psychiatrist I probably would never be officially diagnosed now

It’s hard getting a diagnose

Not everyone have access to a psychiatrist or have their traits get noticed

If you are autistic you are autistic no matter if you are officially diagnosed or not you become autistic when you are born one not when a doctor tells you

If you actually go and research about autism for hours and over a long period of time listen to autistic people talk about their experiences and think about your life experiences trying to figure out whatever you have it or not OF COURSE YOUR SELF DIAGNOSE IS VALID im sorry but no one how thinks autism is just a quirky personality trait and nothing more would actually go and analyse any moment of their life and actually consider having it seriously.

Annoying people on social media that make unfunny jokes like “I’m so silly i can’t help it because of my autism” or some shit like that are not self diagnosed they are people who don’t see autism as a disability or anything more than being quirky and are just ableist

#actually autistic #autism #autustic

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clippy · 7 months

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How did you become so interested in iasw? I’m genuinely curious and I would love to learn more about it! Also, what’s so special about… 𝐓 𝐇 𝐄 𝐂 𝐋 𝐎 𝐂 𝐊 .

Would you believe me if I said it was literally an accident LOL...

Like okay. I grew up going to WDW and Disneyland (as well as other theme parks but those were the main two; my dad grew up going to WDW so the obsession has spanned generations I guess lmao) small world was always a must-do, but my main theme park interests as a kid lied within everything Epcot-related (and it still does)

Anyway, my last trip to WDW prior to getting the Disney parks as a special interest was in 2014. I went with my high school band and it was kind of a whole thing (high school drama shit + spring break week + having to do performances in band) so we didn't get the most park time possible. We wound up skipping small world which makes me Wonder if this interest would have been kick started sooner if we didn't skip it. But anyway. Fast forward to 2018. I am visiting my friend (and now roommate) who is watching a bunch of animatronic and theme park videos and I, a clueless man, decided to watch with her and it literally awoke a sleeper cell in my brain or something because I've been *nonstop* obsessed ever since 🧍

Like literally during that session of watching videos I designed my objecthead version of Clockboy. My life has not known peace ever sense, and tbh has drastically been altered (I'll get into that later)

But yeah the Autism(TM) made me have an insatiable hunger for knowledge about everything small world-related... I still don't know EVERYTHING about it, as there are lots of variations and history, etc. involving the installments of the attraction outside of Disneyland, but my main focus is the original world's fair & Disneyland version of the attraction (since they're the same thing... Mostly) as well as IASW facades in general...

There are tons of people who have equally as niche interests within the attraction's history which I think is SO cool. Like the fact that this nearly 60 year old ride has enough meat on its bones to have whole sub-groups of what people like about it is endearing

The history about it is what has drawn me into it (aside from the funny clock) because it almost didn't happen! There was a near missed connection between a Pepsi exec and Walt Disney himself that, had that not happened, we wouldn't have gotten the ride at all. I don't want to relay the entire history here (the Imagineering Story & Behind the Attraction episodes about the world's fair attractions get into it, as well as a plethora of YouTube videos documenting the ride), but that story about the beginnings of it is so dear to me, and I can't explain why.

But anyway, since my primary focus is the original attraction and facades, I've done some reading about imagineers Mary Blair and Rolly Crump, who have become two of my favorite visual artists and large inspirations for me. Crump has a few books and interviews out that have been interesting to read, but admittedly I've had a hard time finding firsthand accounts from Blair herself. I'm sure some art out there but finding them has been tricky since I don't get a lot of time to do research in general (the stuff by Crump was all found on accident, and he also had the benefit of being alive until 2023 so getting firsthand accounts from him was easier)

Otherwise I am just... Constantly googling stuff and looking for old pictures and merchandise related to IASW. It gets me a lot of answers, surprisingly. I go to Disneyland at least once a month to go ride it and visit my boy.

Still not entirely sure WHY my brain fixated on IASW and the clock specifically, but that's just the hand I was dealt I guess 🤷 don't get me wrong, I still love Epcot stuff and have other silly theme park guys I love (RX-24.... 🥺) but the small world clock has such a stronghold on my brain and I genuinely don't think he's leaving any time soon LOL

It's so funny to me because 6 years ago, I would never have guessed this would have been my next special interest. I was working at a job I liked decently enough. I was still dropped out of school and had no urge to go back, and I was considering moving to Seattle... But now I work in a theme park doing a job I never saw myself having (which is fine, I like my job!), I'm back in school (pursuing a degree I hope I can spin into a career in theme park design 🤞), and I live in California now. Wild how that happens.

The small world clock may not be special to most people (I mean, a lot of people DO like him, I see tons of people taking photos in front of small world with him as the backdrop!) but he is extremely special to me. I treasure him so so so much, and do genuinely think my life has been better with him in it... It's silly that a funny clock face has done So Much to my brain and life but :'-) I love him so it's okay!

Anyway sorry that this is long and sappy LOL, you happened to ask this close to the 6 year anniversary of me getting into small world (it's on March 31 to be exact 😊) so it made me reflect a bit lol

TL;DR sources for more IASW info:

The Imagineering Story Episode 1: The Happiest Place on Earth (1964-1965 New York World's Fair stuff is about 35 min in) -- on Disney+

Behind the Attraction Episode 8: "it's a small world" -- on Disney+

"it's kind of a cute story" by Rolly Crump (interviews; written down by Jeff Heimbuch)

Defunctland's 1964-1965 NYWF video talks about it a decent amount if I remember right

any pictorial souvenir guides about the attraction (currently, and slowly, working on scanning mine in, and will share them once I do, but they're up on eBay a lot if you collect that sort of thing)

Sorry I don't have 🏴‍☠️ links for the D+ stuff or the book but I currently don't have the spoons to search for them

#hi. this is long so read more #sorry if u wanted a short answer

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my-autism-adhd-blog · 1 year

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Hey, um, this feels like a silly question that I should have seen the answer on here somewhere for, but...

What is your opinion on self diagnosing autism?

I really want to seek a formal diagnosis because there are so many signs that I'm autistic; I've taken every single test you've linked on your blog with really high scores, I've realised a lot of common autistic experiences are things that I've had that I just thought I was insane for, and that having so many sensitivities when it comes to food and textures and smells and lights and things not always being exactly as I think they should be isn't just....a thing that I go through, by myself, that I can't get over because I'm not trying hard enough- that other people struggle with the same things all the time, but they have autism and that's something I could never even consider that I might have too until other people asked me because they thought I did.

I'm sorry for going on- all this is to say, I do want a formal diagnosis, but because I'm trans/autonomy is a concern if I were diagnosed, and because how hard it might be to even get one since I don't have anyone around from my childhood to attest to how I was when I was young, I don't know if it's even something I can or should do. At the very least, it would take years for me to get to a place where I could pursue it.

I've been agonizing and doing so much research over the past several months, and I'm so so sure, but I'm also really afraid of diagnosing myself with it, let alone communicating that to the people close to me. I don't want to be one of those yucky people who lie about having autism. All I want is to feel like it's okay to seek community with people who experience the world more similarly to me, and like I'm allowed to ask for resources and utilize things that I need to function better in day to day life without unrightfully claiming something that I might not actually have.

So, um, I just wondered, what do you think about self diagnosis, as someone with autism? Is it wrong to do it- is it wrong that I've even thought about it? I don't know what's okay at all, and I really feel terrible about even thinking I could.

Thank you for taking the time to read this even though I drabble on.

Hi there,

Im not a doctor or a professional, but I’m completely okay with self diagnose as long as you do the proper research. (Not looking things up on TikTok or anything like that. I know there’s some actual neurodivergent there trying to help, but I think it’s filled with so much misinformation than information.

I was diagnosed in 2009, but I I was diagnosed with Aspergers before it was changed into Autism Spectrum Disorder.

And it’s completely up to you if you want to a official diagnosis. Some people find it helpful, other not too much. If you want to try to get an official diagnosis, then you need to find a good psychiatrist/psychologist (I don’t know which one diagnoses disorders).

But that might be a but hard.

Sorry for rambling there. My main point is you can definitely diagnose yourself if you do correct resources and some symptoms that you think you have.

I hope this answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

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queer-and-nerdy · 1 year

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one am aaron thoughts after the antidepressants wore off but i think what makes copia not only endearing but also relatable (at least to me) is that he’s one of the most human out of all of the papas. the way he moves, the way he talks, his little quirks and mannerisms. he’s been forced into a position of power due to unfortunate circumstances and no matter how hard he tries he never seems to be quite good enough to the people who’s opinion matters (or he thinks matters). as cardinal he had to cultivate a personality for the stage and it wasn’t until his eventual ascension/descension that we saw his authentic self - cardinal copia was essentially a copy of the papas before him (hence the name copia). we were given the rare opportunity to see him rise to power in a way we didn’t see with the others.

but i think what’s always felt so real to me is the fact that we know copia is on the autism spectrum since tobias has said that he himself is. but copia never feels like a fake or a mock - caricature, maybe, but satire has always been an underlying tone for Ghost anyways. he’s childlike without being childish. he’s still an adult man. his autistic traits aren’t meant to be played up for laughs, it’s just genuinely how he is - is an inherent fact about him as a person. and anyone who has seen them live, wether recorded or in person, knows that copia has the ability to be intimidating. those things can go hand in hand, silly and dangerous. he’s a satanic pope, after all. and while i’m all for the babygirlification of scary, dangerous, FICTIONAL men (love it, in fact) that doesn’t mean that their inherent selfness (?) can be disregarded. he was basically forced into being papa, but he’s clearly qualified for it, even if he’s a bit self conscious. as someone who is autistic, it’s nice seeing a character that, on the surface, is just another intimidating man in a mask, is actually an autistic man that both embodies and disputes negative autistic stereotypes. at heart, he’s an autistic mama’s boy, but that isn’t all he is. autism and autistic traits don’t define you, they lay a foundation.

tl;dr i violently kin copia and his autistic ass

#i was really sleep deprived while writing this so i hope it makes enough sense #the band ghost #cardinal copia #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus 4 #copia my beloved #papa copia #it’s kinning copia hours #autism #copia is autistic #queer-and-nerdy

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rouge-fauna · 10 days

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rsd is both common in adhd and autism also disliking self diagnosed people is weird. Not sure if you are aware of this but the dsm-5 is flawed for instance until 2014, professional psychologists and psychiatrists believed adhd couldn’t even be diagnosed if someone had autism and vice versa, psychologists didn’t believe dyscalculia was a thing. There was no need to imply that someone with an official autism and adhd diagnosis was misinformed. I dealt with being called slurs for years, I don’t rlly mind if people nowadays find adhd and autism as a silly fun thing because when I was a kid, I was hated for being autistic and autism was never talked about except in a neg way. The silly memes about it are by autistics themselves. And, it’s a good thing that more people are figuring out traits connected to autism and adhd that psychologists hadn’t figured out yet till recent. Autism or adhd is not a one size fits all, it’s different for everyone that has either, or both a fact that even psychologists will agree with.

[context]

I mean no profession is perfect, I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 20, despite seeing various therapists and stuff since I was 14, so especially psychology as everyone’s brain is different. But I have to base my information from somewhere and I’d rather trust more scholarly sources with years of research and experience, and real people who work in the field, then just any old information on the internet. But anyways, and no shade to self diagnosis either, I’m so happy if people can find some answers and community and stuff like that. What I’m concerned about is what has happened to OCD and ADD and things taken to the point of a stereotype norm, with Autism just becoming anyone who has an obsession with something obscure, ADHD becoming anyone who can’t focus, Anxiety Disorders becoming anyone who’s stressed… etc. And that concern is based on my real life friend telling me about how her friends are scrolling through tik toc and relating to something from some video and diagnosing themselves. And as someone who has been working on my mental health for almost a decade, struggling to get through life, it feels very trivializing for someone to say oh because they like anime they are autistic (that was what one of her friends thought). Or it becoming they are dealing with anxiety and stress they have an anxiety disorder or because they are depressed they have depression. Because anxiety disorder for me means multiple anxiety attacks a week, depression for me means struggling to get out of bed, autism to me means working everyday in professional clothes at the office is torture, adhd to me means trying to do one thing then starting five others and completing none of them or just struggling to stay awake - just some really really broad strokes of things… For someone to say they deal with anxiety when they are just stressed about a test, doesn’t feel very good when I’m trying not to have another anxiety attack… like yes mental illness looks different, the brain is different in everyone and I’m glad we are continuing to grow and build our knowledge. What I worry about is our struggle becoming glossed over, as someone who for almost my entire life has had it invalidated… and like I also said in my statement, it wasn’t really an opinion or take or stance, just an observation I had recently.

It sounds like you’ve had it rough, I’m sorry people have been cruel to you and I’m happy to know that society becoming more open and such has helped you. I can totally see why. For me, on the opposite end, I was told my whole life that I was not enough, that I needed to just get over it, that I just needed to stop being sad or negative, to stop being dramatic… etc I was told it was a failure of me as a person when as it turns out there was actually a lot of factors out of my control the whole time. So that’s where I’m coming from, I think both sides and things can be true. And I am blessed to have been diagnosed in a time when I am not surrounded by cruel kids and when society is becoming more educated in it.

Of course, I want other people to find that same peace, but I also don’t want us to flip the other way and be like well if everyone is autistic then your struggles aren’t real. Hopefully that makes sense. I don’t mean to hate or judge self diagnosis, I’m actually more so encouraging of it, as I have suggested to multiple friends that they should investigate and see if they find it to be true. But I do hope people do due diligence when doing so if that makes sense. And that’s from a place that, again, has seen this happen.

Per usual both things can be true. And of course mental illness looks different in people, I mean I wasn’t diagnosed till I was older and even my doctors disagreed at first, then now I often get people shocked when I tell them. So trust me this is not be trying to say it looks the same by any means.

As far as RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) goes, I talked to the therapists I know about it and none of them heard about it, so as far as I can tell it isn’t a recognized diagnosis. Now that doesn’t mean it isn’t real or the experiences of people claiming RSD aren’t real, that’s more so me saying that to me RSD doesn’t need to be a diagnosis or term because I’m pretty sure a lot of people feel the same way about rejection, especially neurodivergent people who have faced so much. It’s not me saying the struggle isn’t real, I certainly qualify, it’s me saying that it’s more so a symptom of a larger issue and one that doesn’t seem to to me to be extreme or unreasonable if that makes sense. If not, that’s fine I’m no psychologist so I’m not going to argue about it. This is just my perspective and fears. I think there a some good point on either end and like all things it’s complicated.

#anyways… I love to see the opposite end of thjngs. thanks for reminding me of the blessing that it is instead of me just focusing #on my fears <3… I hope you have found some better people and better community since then.<3 :)#hello there #mental helath #me on the menu #clarifications

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claudiyerrr · 1 year

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i saw you were taking crp matchups and I JUMPED at the opportunity! your writing is GORJUS!

ALRIGHTY THEN!! here’s some stuff about me! sorry if I write too much i have a bad tendency to ramble oopsies..!

im a 4’9 cis girl with golden brown hair, dark blue eyes, freckles, button nose and a septum piercing. my body is mid-size with a bit of tummy— just squishy!! :3

my personality is very outgoing, silly, kind, extroverted, and a bit loud. i have been told I’m very “sunshiney” and cute, and i have a very high pitched voice for someone my age. im extremely extroverted and try to talk to as many people as i can!! i love making friends and being friendly to those around me. i can also be described as “weird” but I really don’t mind cuz everyone’s a bit weird! as i said a bit ago, i ramble a ton and I actually make friends that way just by talking non stop heheheh. i have adhd and suspected autism :P !

my hobbies are: baking, singing, collecting cute things, shopping, drawing, writing songs, gaming, and making jokes!! im very involved in theatre classes cuz im a whimsical little fellow and most of my roles are comedic! my favorite thing to bake is cakes and I make homemade frosting! (secret recipe hehe) i also am a hopeless romantic and enjoy romance mangas with cute fluffy storylines! did I mention i love cute things??

likes: bunnies, DESSERTS, SWEET STUFF, anything cream-filled, parties, cats, jumping spiders, horror movies, forensics, and PINK!!!

dislikes: spicy or bitter foods, hateful people who are just mean to be mean, bigoted folks, my town 😞, caterpillars, things with WAY too many legs, big empty rooms.

EEEEKKK thank u sm for the opportunity to send this in it’s totally long but I hope i added the right information GRAHHH!!! im super excited to see what u come up with :3

i have a male preference as i am heteroflexible! HAVE A TOTALLY GOOD DAY!! <333

Omgosh firstly thank you so much! Also, neurodivergent forensic science besties?! Anyways, I hope you like it!!

Your matchup is. . . Ticci Toby!

While hanging out at a mall one Friday night, security comes over to your friend group and informs you that the mall’s closing up and you need to leave.

Not even realizing the time, you huff in a bit of annoyance because of how much fun you were having there and reluctantly leave with your friends. Once you’re back outside, the friend who drove you all there leads you back to their car.

You guys talk about your favorite purchases and other stores you wish you had the time to hit before getting kicked out for the night, but soon enough you grow a little carsick and decide to watch the horizon outside the car.

Rolling down the window, you rest your cheek in your hand tiredly and stare out into the foggy woods boredly until you spot a flash of orange. A lanky boy with brown hair poking his head out from behind a pine tree waves and you gasp in surprise.

Turning back to look at your friends, you interrupt them frantically, pointing out the window to where you saw the boy, only to see nothing. “You guys seriously didn’t see him?!”

They look at each other in confusion before shaking their heads much to your disappointment. You doze off trying to figure out what the guy was doing out there, after all, he seemed pretty young and didn’t have a hunting rifle or anything in his hands.

“[Y/N], you in or what?” one of your friends snaps you out of your thoughts as you hold your gaze on the dense woods as the car continues driving. “Sure, I’m down,” you answer, not knowing what you were now in on, but not really caring either way.

Pulling up to their house, everyone starts to get out and you take your shopping bags before getting out as well. “So, a sleepover?” you find yourself looking all around into the distant darkness with a small lip bite as your friend group stands beside the car under the streetlamp. After a few “yeahs” you all head inside and decide to sleep in their large living room.

Some of your friends set up snacks for a movie while others get pillows and blankets from unoccupied rooms. You try to help out and pitch in, but everyone seems to have things under control and just asks you to pick out a horror movie.

Slumping down on the couch nonchalantly, you scroll through a few movies before hearing a knock at the living room window and shuddering in response. Looking outside, you see the same brunet boy with orange goggles and do a double take as he points to the TV.

Looking back at the screen, you select the horror movie he was gesturing at as he nods excitedly, you return his excitement by mouthing a “thank you” and smiling, although a bit shaken up that he followed you to your friend’s place. He seems harmless, but you contemplate telling your friend at some point that night even if it annoys them.

As the rest of your friends file into the room, you greet them before looking back at the window and seeing that he’s not there anymore. You didn’t know why, but you almost felt upset that he left. After the movie, everyone starts falling asleep and before you know it, you’re the only one awake.

Deciding to bring some of the dishes to the sink for your friend, seeing as they’re sleeping, you hum to yourself softly before hearing another series of light knocks, this time from the window on the far side of the kitchen

Going over to it skeptically, you open it to be met with bright eyes behind those same orange goggles. “H-Hi, I’m Toby…”

You stick your head out the window and reach to shake his gloved hand, “The name’s [Y/N], nice to meet you Toby.”

He hesitates but shakes your hand with a twitch and from there, you two talk for a while, just getting to know each other until you see the sun start to come up.

He lets you go so you can catch some zs and waves goodbye, saying that he’ll see you around with a little wink. You wink back with a small blush; He seems cute.

Random headcanons:

- He found your house when your friend drove you home the next day, but you didn’t know until a week later when he showed up at your back door with a wave.

- You guys don’t take long before confessing; Maybe a month or two of being friends. You both grab each other’s hands, beaming with blushy faces while talking about how it was love at first sight.

- If you ever have plays for your theater classes, he’ll drag Hoodie along to record it for you so he can watch the whole time. Toby definitely cheers the loudest out of the entire crowd at the end, even throwing a bouquet of flowers that he hand-picked from the forest up onto the stage for you to catch!

- You’d both love gaming together in your free time and I can see him convincing you to play Work at a Pizza Place with him on Roblox. Let’s just say this kleptomaniac likes to burn innocent kids in the pizza ovens 💀

- I feel like you’d both cuddle facing each other and he’d enjoy playing with your hair and connect the dots (your freckles) with his fingertip. He might squish your belly or chubby areas, but it’s not in a teasing way! He just loves every inch of you.

- After the first time you surprise him with a cake, Toby would love it so much that he’d ask to help you out the next time you bake. He tries so hard but 100% screws up in tiny ways, which makes him get all shy and cute. You refuse to tell him the frosting’s secret recipe while the cake’s cooling, so he’ll wait right outside the kitchen against the wall so you guys can still talk as you finish up the cake.

- He’d enjoy reading romance mangas with you and you both squeal and kick your feet over the cutesie moments in them together.

- He’ll pick you up cute trinkets from any missions he goes on. They’ll probably have blood on them but he tries to remember to wipe it off before giving them to you.

- If you need someone to look over the lyrics of a song you write or listen to you sing it, Toby is not your best bet if you’re looking for brutally honest constructive criticism. It’s not that he’s dishonest, he just thinks the songs are perfect because you wrote them.

- His kisses are really soft and he likes to kiss all over your face especially. He tries to only use the unscarred side of his lips to peck you despite you not being grossed out about it. Toby’s just trying to be polite to his first girl.

- You guys definitely have deep moments and crying sessions after you find out he’s a killer and he relates to your strong dislike of bigots and hostile people in general.

- He may or may not try to show you caterpillars he finds in hopes of getting you over your fears. If it backfires and you freak out though, he’ll gently put it back and hug you while apologizing profusely.

- Toby absolutely adores the height difference between you guys because you’re only up to the middle of his chest when you two hug!!

#creepypasta #creepypasta matchup #ticci toby #ticci toby x reader #romantic relationships

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luminousbravery · 1 year

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HIHI, May I request a matchup for a pale and red quad??

I am a 5’8 transman omnisexual (man pref) Sagittarius, a little chubby, a lil about me is that I talk, ALOT but I also really like listening to other people talk, I like starting friendly debates with people

My fashion sense is like 2007 scenemo, I like nature walks when it’s dark out, silly cemetery dates are the best too

I gossip 24/7, if I’ve met you my entire friendgroup knows your name + our burn book

I’m a witch, I practice it frequently, esp tarot and attempting to do spells/curses (they don’t work yet, I just don’t think my magics strong enough yet)

I will beg people to let me paint their nails and do their hair for hours until they cave in

My music taste consists of metal, rock, show tunes, and screamo, I’ll listen to rap or pop every so often but it’s not my favorite

Ugwhsjsjs I’m kinda sassy ?? I have a huge lisp too or like the autism accent thing (I’m autistic)

I’m not afraid to bitchslap people who shittalk me or my friends

Special interest is homestuck, my hyperfixations are villians are destined to die, ghost eyes, peach girl, stardew valley, the arcana, and paper teeth

I’ll randomly download otomes to make fun of them or just that I’m bored

I think I did this right I dunno I’ve never done this before

you did it right!!! my responses are a little rushed, though, so i'm terribly sorry ( i have like 30 requests rn and i need to get to writing)

red quad matchup!

pale quad matchup:

#homestuck #homestuck x reader #homestuck matchup #sollux captor #terezi pyrope

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crimsonsrecordshislife · 11 months

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Well well well.

I’m actually somewhat keeping up! This is a nifty surprise, lol. So, to start off, I wanna state that, while I doubt people are actually going to see this for a while, I’m actually having a fairly nice time writing!

Now, as of writing this segment it’s 9:03pm and my battery is at 93%. Nothing significant there, just thought it was a little silly and ironic that battery and time are matching eachother. I saw a friend/classmate at the park today, that was pretty cool. I’m not really used to people interacting with me at the park, not that I mind. I use that time to kinda destress and take a moment away from people. I usually end up singing, too! I’ve been getting ready good at sing “Outliars and Hyppocrates: A Fun Fact About Apple” by Will Wood, “Labyrinth” by Miracle Musical and “The Mind Electric” also by Miracle Musical. A song that I’ve been definitely vibing with is “Wet” by Dazey and the Scouts. I dunno why, it’s kinda sad and very sexual, but it’s actually a vibe. It took me a couple listens through before I was like. “Hold up, lemme look at the lyrics,” then I was mortified.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow at school at ALL. I cannot wait to be done with school for some reason. I, unironically, love school. Home life is pretty chaotic, and school is verily structured, so it kinda helps with my Autistic Brain. But, tomorrow, we’re gonna be reading a short story that is apparently way worse than the one we read yesterday. And yeaterday’s made me want to throw up. So, I’m am, to say the least, scared. But, I know, when I’m done with school, I’ll have my amazing partner to talk to! So, that’s something to look forward to!

I know that these seemingly keep getting longer, but I’m wanting to get better at journaling. Eventually, I plan on keeping an actual journal. However, until then, I’ll have to settle for this! Which, isn’t actually really bad, but I’ve always wNted to keep a proper journal. Something I can write in or draw in or scribble or whatever! Something that I could pour any thought into, because not all my thoughts are sane. I’ve had friends look at me and go “HOLY FUCK DUDE, ARE YOU MENTALLY OKAY?” And, like, obviously the andwer is no, but then I feel shitty cause, like. My bad I’m stating something that I personally don’t see an issue with. Which, isn’t entirely my fault, sometimes I have a difficult time understanding what’s socially acceptable to talk about because of my Autism lmao. Social Skills actually do not exist. But, I just think if I have a proper journal, I could pour thoughts into it, no matter how obscene, vulgar, sexual, insane or the like they may be!

Anyways, with that being said! I think I’ve rambled and exposed myself long enough, I must bid uou all adieu! As of now, it is 9:19pm and I have the absolute munchiest of munchies

#autism spectrum disorder #autism #journaling #journal #mental health awareness

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butchdogthing · 2 years

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wrote a garashir fic check it out

title: Accommodations

summary:

"I have autism." By the delivery of it, it felt as though there was an expectation that Garak should know what that meant. — Julian asks Garak to make him a new uniform.

5k words, general audiences (but heed CWs below), garak and bashir silly flirty friendship shit. julian is autistic.

notes:

references to major spoilers through early season 7 - takes place between s07e03 “Afterimage” and s07e21 “When It Rains…”

content warnings: big warning for anti-autistic ableism and child abuse. eugenics and so-called “treatments” are discussed. some language is used which may be considered outdated, pathologizing, or not-preferred, but there are no slurs. i’ll tell you that it ends on a positive note.

also available on archiveofourown. if you enjoy it go hit kudos on there! you dont need an account to do so. and uhhh idk, i likely won’t use this blog for anything really, follow me on twitter, art account is butchdogthing and star trek account is omicrontheyta

story under the cut. some more notes at the end.

"Alterations are one thing, Doctor, but to craft an entirely new uniform?"

"Are you saying you're not up for the task?"

"Not at all! I'm merely surprised - aren't there regulations against that sort of thing?"

This earned Garak a skeptical scowl from Doctor Bashir, who pushed off from the shop wall against which he'd been leaning. "From what I understand, you were happy to make a uniform for Nog ." There was a definite tone of accusation to the statement, but he took it in stride, waving a hand dismissively in Bashir's direction.

"No one looks at a lowly Ensign long enough to even tell his species , let alone notice that his uniform is cut from Bolian cotton rather than Terran polyester." - he made a point of eyeing the doctor up and down, from head to toe - "But the Chief Medical Officer of a space station? The station at the head of the war against the Dominion, no less? Everyone's got their eye on him . And I'd like to keep my tail attached, not add it to some austere Admiral's trophy collection when the question arises of just who aided and abetted in Doctor Bashir's dismissal of uniform code."

Bashir crossed his arms. "Garak, please, you're being beyond overreactive right now."

"Oh, am I?"

"No one pays attention to that regulation anyway. It's just meant to deter officers from looking flashier than their superiors. It's an ego thing. So long as the materials are sufficiently resistant to fire and corrosion, no one will so much as bat an eye. That goes for me as well as my supplier ."

"Hmm..."

Garak put on a show of giving the reassurance a great deal of thought.

"Please?" - Bashir's voice dropped to a gentler tone.

One of life's greatest joys, Garak thought, was to push his dear friend into a position of pleading for something Garak had already intended on providing to him all along. First came Bashir's proposal. Then the reasoning. Then Garak would play at refusal, usually citing his busy schedule, and Bashir would dutifully take the role of the reasonable man, the scientist, presenting logic against Garak's reluctance. Without cooperation, finally logic would give way to begging, until he left Garak with no choice but to either paint himself the unreasonable villain or to reluctantly, mercifully concede.

And Bashir's face during the pleading was Garak's favorite part.

"I may be persuaded."

Just as quickly as he'd crossed them, Bashir uncrossed his arms and gave a critical squint toward Garak.

"You're not afraid of being reprimanded by starfleet, you just wanted to twist my arm into haggling with you!"

Being caught in the game made it no less fun. Besides - the doctor was smart, Garak reasoned, surely he caught on from time to time that he was being toyed with. Yet he still played along.

Garak turned to face him. "Nonsense, Doctor! What gives you the impression that I'm not simply being difficult for sport?"

The question apparently did not deserve to be dignified with an acknowledgement. "What's your price?"

Garak allowed him to stew for a moment.

"Only that you finish reading ‘In The Heart of The Devil’ ."

" ‘In The’ - what, the judicial romance novel? Garak-"

"If my culture so disgusts you, Doctor, I'm sure there are innumerable human tailors in this quadrant, in this sector even, who'd be more than willing to take your business."

"I'm not disgusted, Garak, I've read dozens of Cardassian works." Garak said nothing in return, only stared. Bashir held steady for a moment - then, sure enough, cracked and crumpled. A shame that it was over so quickly, Garak thought, he'd have to find some time to give the good doctor a lecture in fortitude. Apparently defeated, Bashir continued: "I, I found it boring. I fell asleep reading that dreadful book."

"But you hardly made it past the post-prologue!" He placed down the piece he'd been working on and threw his hands up in the air. Bashir scoffed at the display, but Garak only shook his head. "I don't see how you expect to enjoy it without even giving it a chance. It's really quite a cerebral story, especially once you've surmounted the second act."

"And if I read the whole book, then you'll make me the uniform?"

"Free of charge. In fact, you don't even have to read it first . Get started as soon as possible, and I'll have your garments ready by the end of the week. I trust you'll keep your word."

"Really?"

"Would you rather I took the offer back?"

"Well, no. It's just that you haven't exactly got a reputation for being..." - He turned his hand over in front of himself, searching for the right word, until Garak offered -

"Generous?"

" Trusting. "

"Ah, how disconcerting - maybe that counselor friend of yours is making more of an impression than I realized." Garak frowned. "But in any case, Doctor Bashir, I've found that a happy client makes for a happy businessman."

Until that point, Garak had been working on small tasks around the shop, but now stopped to get his equipment for working on Bashir.

"I'm not sure that ‘happy’ describes how I feel at the prospect of keeping up my end of this bargain." Despite what he was saying, the doctor smiled and appeared at ease.

"So, tell me - what are you looking for? A brighter hue, a tighter waist perhaps?"

Bashir blushed and looked down. "No, the color and the cut are fine, it's the material."

Garak deflated upon hearing this - he would have loved the chance to exhibit some artistic liberties with Bashir's fashion, but his frequent offers to pretty the doctor up were always either turned down or had drab and nullifying limitations placed upon them.

He reached out to catch the sleeve of Bashir's Starfleet jacket between two fingers and a thumb. He felt the material of the outer jacket, then slipped his fingers under the teal sleeve below. When his scaled knuckles brushed against Bashir's wrist, Garak found his human skin to be smooth and delightfully warm. "What's wrong with it?"

Bashir pulled his hand (and, by extension, his sleeve) away from Garak and held it close to himself, again turning it in a circular motion as he seemed to search for his words. I hope I haven't bothered him.

"Actually - I suppose the fit could use some work. This jacket is stifling." After a nod from Garak, he continued. "The material, it's... Too..." - Bashir squinted - " Catching . It clings to my skin, as if electrically charged."

This was not the impression Garak had gotten from the fabric. "And a different material would be preferable?"

Garak eyed the doctor carefully. Not with caution, or delicacy, or suspicion - just with the careful and attentive gaze one would lend to a curiosity, or to a friend when you're just getting to learn something new about them. He wasn't sure if Bashir would notice the change in demeanor, but then again, his perceptive nature had, at times, surprised Garak in the past.

If Bashir saw how Garak was looking at him, he wondered, then how would he interpret the look? Or the touch, for that matter? If their literary discussions were anything to go off of, his ability to accurately read meaning into implicit gestures was greatly impaired, by Cardassian standards, or at least unconventional.

Bashir nodded. "My old uniform was much better..."

The new uniform's rollout was fresh in Garak's mind. He was quick to ask Bashir (or, rather, his changeling doppelgänger) for an opportunity to take a closer look at its construction. Careful investigation revealed the previous blend of natural and synthetic fibers had been retired in favor of wholly synthetic material. Apparently, supply issues led Starfleet to reconsider how they clothed their officers, and mass-replicated textiles proved most practical. Despite all the millions of man-hours of research put into the subject since the replicator's inception, by chemists and agriculturalists and animal farmers and Garak's own tailor brethren, the structure of animal- and plant-based fibers had yet to be adequately recreated. Growing it the old-fashioned way was still the only option, and made it inconvenient for such large-scale operations as these.

Quieter this time, Bashir spoke again: "I miss my old uniform."

"The one you wore in the prison camp?"

He knew the answer, but asked anyway. There was a need to explicitly acknowledge that fact between the two of them, to establish the timeline.

"Yes." - quieter still.

"Why, that was two years ago, and I haven't had any of my other Starfleet customers come to me with complaints about the material."

"Well, I'm not your other Starfleet customers."

"No, your taste is much more discerning. " Garak smiled at Bashir, and he weakly smiled back.

"I suppose so."

"With the war going on, many of my suppliers have run dry, but - I may have the right material in my stores already..." Leaving his side, Garak turned, deeper into the shop, searching.

The dreary manner was gone from Bashir's voice as he spoke up from behind, usual affectation of self-assuredness (or self-centeredness) in its place. "You can ask, you know."

Garak turned around. "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're referring to, Doctor."

This wasn't entirely truthful: he could sense something was peculiar about Bashir's demeanor today, from the moment he'd walked in the shop. Initially, Garak had suspected it was to do with the fact that the shop was even open for business at all - meaning that he was taking on tailoring work again, something which Bashir would likely have opinions about - but as their chat moved along, he started to feel that this wasn't the case. Then his curiosity had been piqued by the ‘catching’ fabric comment, and he couldn't help but wonder if there was some sort of connection, a thread tying it all together.

Now, that thread had presented itself, and all Garak had to do was pull.

"It's unusual, and I figure you're curious about why I hate my uniform so much when no one else cares. So I'm telling you - you can ask me why." He put on a gentle smile, like the one he always used on his pediatric patients. "I won't be offended."

But it wasn't as fun when the thread was quite literally asking to be pulled. The investigation, the interrogation, was the real thrill of it. But once it laid itself out in this way there was no enjoyment left in even trying to make a game of it. He'd have to give Doctor Bashir yet another lecture about subtlety, as well.

Noting that his itinerary was filling up at an alarming rate, Garak gave in, and turned back to his selections of cloth. "Alright. Why?"

"I have autism."

By the delivery of it, it felt as though there was an expectation that Garak should know what that meant.

He knew enough at least to sense that a few seconds' pause - of ‘dawning understanding’ - was likely appropriate.

"Oh... I see."

"Until - until recently, I never wanted to... Acknowledge it. Finally telling people, talking about it," he sighed, "it feels good."

"And you didn't want to, because?"

"I suppose I thought I could power through it. And that it was something to be ashamed of."

"What's the prognosis, then, Doctor?"

A genuine question, but easy enough to pass off as a joke if needed. But the doctor just laughed and said, "Well, I'll always be autistic."

Grabbing a few bolts of cloth, blends similar to the constituents of the old uniform, Garak returned to Bashir and laid the materials on a table.

The initial impression he'd gotten was that this ‘autism’ was a disease, perhaps of the skin. Garak had had the rare client or two in the past who broke out in rashes when exposed to certain animal hairs. But then Bashir's use of ‘autistic’ - an adjective? Something significant enough to one's position in the world that it needed its own descriptor? - had thrown off the dermatological illness hypothesis. Unless it's terminal, he thought, slow-progressing enough that he feels it won't significantly impact his lifespan.

Or he could be dying as we speak, and doesn't have the heart to tell me.

But Garak brushed this thought aside - surely the doctor had more sense than to try ‘powering through’ a terminal illness. That couldn't be it.

A lesson Garak had resisted learning on Cardassia was the need to back down at times, and to admit to a conversational partner that he didn't follow what was going on. Vulnerability was a danger, betraying his lack of information carried severe consequences, and stubborn adherence to a persona of understanding had nearly always served him well. These schemas never posed a problem until well into his time on Deep Space Nine - his non-Cardassian acquaintances seemed to be constantly calling him out on his lies, and worse still was that some of them seemed hurt by the behavior. It was a hard habit to break, but Dax encouraged him to practice as much as possible.

A version of her voice urged him now to put that skill to the test.

"...I must admit, I'm unfamiliar with this human..." - ‘disease’? Was it a disease? It stung to be this honest - "...Concept."

"Oh." It seemed to take a moment for him to fully realize the meaning. "Oh! Of course you would be."

Glancing from his friend's eyes down to the selection of fabrics on the table before them, Garak waited. Bashir reached for the farthest one and stroked it.

"Autism is, um... People with autism have differences in brain function, so they - we - experience difficulties in cognition, language, executing social behaviors, and... Sensory processing. Hence, the uniform."

"Ah, a mental disorder, then."

"Yes. Well," he furrowed his brow deeply and frowned, vigorously fiddling a corner of fabric in one hand, a face of concentration but lacking that same focus in voice, "it's not that simple, I suppose. But in a sense, it could be considered... A mental disorder." He seemed to regain his senses and treated the cloth with more care. "...I like this one, for the interior."

Pulling a few feet from the roll, Garak held the fabric in front of Bashir's body. "The color isn't quite right. I'll have to source some in a bluer shade."

"I think that'll do quite nicely, Garak."

Garak beamed. For all the hassle he liked to give Bashir, it pleased Garak to please him.

"So, um - do you have any questions?"

"Will you take off your jacket, Doctor?"

"I meant, about-"

"I understood. I do have some things I'm curious about." Garak paused for a moment. "These ‘cognitive difficulties’ - is that why you were unable to finish ‘In The Heart of The Devil’ ?"

Bashir grinned as he pulled the zipper down. "I think there's a fair number of factors we can blame before we pin it on autism."

"Oh, such as?"

"It's not cognitively taxing. I told you, it's just boring! " As it always did when he raised his voice, it sounded like Bashir had never yelled before in his life and was holding back for fear of hurting himself. He handed over the black and gray jacket.

"How does that human expression go - ‘there's no accounting for taste’?"

"Explain to me, where does the ‘taste’ lie in a forty-page monologue detailing The Conservator's entire life history of staunchly abiding by the law?"

"You should know by now, the-" Garak began, but was interrupted.

"I know, I know, it would be irresponsible -"

" Unconscionable! "

"- to leave any shadow of a doubt that the main character is a pristine example of an obedient Cardassian citizen."

When he finished, the room went completely quiet. Even from the other side of the Promenade, cries of ‘Dabo!’ could be heard. After several seconds of perfectly orchestrated dramatic silence, Garak spoke again.

"Wait."

"What?"

"Before we get any further in this discussion, tell me -" He held out a hand and touched Bashir's upper arm, "just who do you believe to be the main character of the novel?"

"Now, what kind of a question is that?" Bashir jerked away slightly, but the expression on his face seemed more playful than truly bothered.

"Humor me, Doctor."

"The Conservator! Obviously!"

"Of course you would think that." Pulling his hand away, Garak located an autoripper and ran it along several of the jacket's seams. He'd make the appropriate adjustments on this one, and use it as a guide in assembling the new one from scratch.

"What do you mean by that? " The doctor scoffed.

"I mean no insult, Doctor - your intellect is clearly intact - but your worldview reeks unmistakably of the culture in which you've lived." It took all the resolve and strength of will in his being to not add ‘Or perhaps I should say the lack thereof.’

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"

Garak blinked. "The pot and the kettle?"

"Earth idiom, meaning ‘to point out a quality in another that the speaker also possesses’." He poked Garak squarely in the chest to drive home his point. " Hypocrisy ."

Huffing, Garak continued. "Obviously, one must be inevitably shaped by his environment, no matter who he is. But the difference between you and I, Doctor, is one of choosing to expand one's horizons once he has been shaped. I find you Federation types are all too pleased to let your horizons stay just where they've always been." He handed the garment back over to be tried on. "Ironic, for a group that so prides itself in its quest for diversity ."

"You know, Garak, you always make such a point of, of positioning Cardassia as an other to the Federation, to draw upon our differences," Bashir paused until Garak hummed acknowledgement, with pins now held between his lips. "As unlikely as it is, I can't help but imagine what you'd do if Cardassia ever were to join the Federation. Half of our lunchtime debates would fall flat then and there."

Garak lifted a hand to his mouth to remove the sewing notions. "I shudder at the thought! You shouldn't even joke about the idea - for all you know, I might even lose my concentration enough that I could stab you with one of these pins!"

At this, Bashir laughed a little - a nervous and stuttered little noise, as if he wasn't sure whether to take the threat seriously - and squirmed under Garak's touch.

"...Why, accidentally , of course. Stop moving." Garak grabbed his friend by the shoulders, steadying him, then looked up to meet his eyes and smiled his best non-threatening plain and simple smile.

At this gesture, Bashir relaxed - marginally, but relaxed nonetheless. The ease with which the doctor would let his guard down, the minimal display of friendliness that it took, had always fascinated Garak. Such a demeanor would have made for a terrible operative in the Order. But, Garak supposed this unrelenting pleasantness was one of the factors that had most intrigued him and drawn him in to Bashir's acquaintance after the thrill of meeting wore off.

I still wonder if those holosuite programs of his are rigged.

"So if I'm wrong, about the main character," - He paused while Garak made an adjustment - "then why don't you enlighten me?"

"I don't recall telling you that you were wrong." Bashir opened his mouth, presumably to object, but Garak continued, "You really must hold still right now. Besides - the narrative's unraveling is its charm, I'd hate to spoil the story and rob you of the chance to experience it for yourself."

"Certainly." He held in a deep breath and spoke quietly, trying not to move as much as he could help it, but the sarcasm came through in his tone regardless.

For a while, Garak worked in pleasant silence, adding and removing pins around Bashir until the jacket fit just right - or, as close as he could get it, considering the material. In addition to rebuilding the inner components of the uniform from scratch with an analog of the old uniform’s material, he wanted to rebuild the jacket in a looser fit as well. For that, he had a particular fabric in mind, more breathable than its current construction but thicker and sturdier still than the inner material.

Eventually, Garak broke the silence.

"You say you have this ‘autism’. What is the social standing for humans with this disorder?"

"Well... That's sort of hard to say. Today, on Earth, autistic people are granted the same rights under the law as anyone else. I'm not big on history, but it used to be quite terrible, from what I've heard, in the pre-contact times... Now, in practice, it all depends on how well each individual is able to blend in or to make themselves useful. Some of our greatest scholars and artists have been on the spectrum." - Garak inferred that this phrase related in some way to autism, but made a mental note to ask about it later regardless - "But if you can't act normal and can't contribute, you won't get far."

Garak processed this for a moment.

"On Cardassia,” he began, “children with mental disorders are seen as a burden to the family. If an embryo is found to be defective, it's generally destroyed before viability. Those who are born tend to live out their lives in institutions."

"That's horrible." Bashir’s expression was a mix of sadness and disgust.

"Hm. We should both be grateful you weren't born on my homeworld, or the two of us would never have had a chance to be acquainted." Garak felt he was out of his element here - comfort had never really been in the repertoire of interactions modeled for him. "...For as much as my opinion is worth, you seem very ‘normal’ to me, Doctor."

Bashir stiffened a bit -

"That's because I've had my whole life to practice the act. And it comes at a price."

- And he didn’t seem at all pleased as he said it.

Garak wondered if he’d said or done the wrong thing. He didn’t understand why it would be the wrong thing - being normal was good - but he didn’t see any other apparent explanation for Bashir’s response.

"What is that price?"

" You've paid the price, Garak. Think of how cold it is here, and the havoc that that chronic stress wreaks on your body. Think of having to put on a face for your customers. Or having to pretend -" He searched for his words, "pretend to be an entirely different person than you are, never dropping the façade."

It’s no easy feat, but that’s simply the way life is, the way it has to be.

That’s what he’d been taught, at least.

You just have to suck it up.

Garak thought of his talks with Dax, though, and what she had said about the so-called flaws in his traditional Cardassian upbringing, and how he’d supposedly been ‘traumatized’ by it. She still didn’t have him fully convinced, but in the interest of respecting other cultures he felt it would be prudent to humor her here and not give voice to these critical thoughts.

"It seems it's been... Hard for you."

Bashir scoffed. "You don't know the half of it."

"Surely there are ways of treating the condition at its source."

"Oh, they tried. That's what the genetic enhancements were for."

"But they didn't work."

"Well, the treatments certainly changed me, there's no denying that. Before, I couldn't even pretend to be normal. Couldn't follow most conversations. It rid me of some of my difficulties. Gave me some new ones, as well. But as I said, I'll always be autistic. At the core, it's not something that can be... Extracted. It's just who I am."

"I see.” He wasn’t sure he truly did, but he was trying to. Plus, it seemed what his friend needed right now was to feel understood. “And those genetic enhancements - that is the only treatment option?"

"More or less. If you can even call it a ‘treatment’. Of course, there's also the option to just try to bully and torture the disability away. My father gave me a plentiful taste of that .” As if sensing that Garak was going to say something on the choice of words - he wasn’t - Bashir continued, “I mean - what, what he did wasn't quite tantamount to torture, on a physical level, but... I've heard stories."

The work on the uniform had been paused and forgotten by now.

"The method I believe you're describing is seen as the golden standard for those Cardassian children who are well enough to avoid institutionalization but who don't quite conform to societal expectations."

"Somehow I doubt the Cardassian parents who employ it would recognize it as bullying." Bashir’s voice turned from that aggrieved and hurt tone to something a little softer, sweeter - bordering on sympathetic in a way that made Garak’s scales crawl.

"What we would call a stern hand has often been labeled ‘abusive’ by outsiders."

Meant to be a deflection, Garak’s statement seemed to have the opposite effect. The doctor’s sympathy now appeared as full-blown compassion across his face, and Garak found himself wishing desperately that he hadn’t turned the conversation in this direction at all.

He worried for a moment that Dax had forgotten her vow of confidentiality as a counselor, that she’d spaced out like she always did and let slip Garak’s tales of childhood woe, that Bashir’s unsolicited care here stemmed from pitying Garak in the knowledge of what Tain used to do to him.

But, he reminded himself, Tain likely already appeared as a less-than-ideal father in Bashir’s eyes - even aside from the issue of the closet. That was probably the reason for the sympathy, and that was a somewhat more tolerable explanation.

Still, it made him uneasy. He decided to change the subject.

"There's another thing I don't understand, Doctor."

He felt that he was treading on unsteady ground here, perhaps throwing knives at the vole’s nest, but he wanted to fully understand the issue, and as it was he barely understood.

He could also tell that Bashir had some mixed and unspoken feelings on the matter, and may need a well-placed push in order to work through them. He took in a breath and continued.

"You struggle due to your autism." Bashir nodded in acknowledgement. "And your suffering is compounded as well by your efforts to deny your autism." He paused again - now Bashir did not nod - and he continued, "Your parents - your father - made the decision to have you altered, in an attempt to fix you - arguably, a decision made with your well-being in mind."

Bashir shifted uncomfortably where he stood. He didn’t meet Garak’s eyes. Garak continued:

"Had it gone as they'd wished, you'd be free of this affliction. Yet you resent your parents for what they did. Why?"

"Well, they haven't ever given me a good reason not to resent them! What kind of a thing to say is that? What kind of a question is that?" Bashir had been so quiet before, seemed so perturbed, that when he spoke now Garak startled. Preparing to explain his rationale, Garak opened his mouth to speak, but Bashir interrupted him. "No - I know this is new to you, I don't fault you for that. And that's hardly the first time I've heard the sentiment."

It was a small comfort, at least, to know their relationship’s standing had not been injured. Bashir’s voice rose - again, with that quality of trepidation - as he carried on.

"It's because it was my life and body and future, and they made the choice for me without any regard for what I wanted. And- and I know it's different, on... On Cardassia... But on Earth there are these expectations for how a child is to be treated - with respect, as if they were an adult, and with patience, gentleness, care, and love, because, because they are a child. "

He stopped only long enough to take a breath.

"There was no respect in that decision, no respect at all for my autonomy, my capacity to think or to have my own desires... Even if it was in a different capacity than other children. No patience to see what kind of person I could have become... They said it was because they loved me, and I'm sure they think they do - Oh, I bet it really feels like love, to them at least - but it's not a love that I recognize. And..."

After this trailing off, Garak stood there, and waited. The pause stretched on, Bashir’s face turned away to look at something on the other side of the shop, until Garak began to wonder if he’d even had anything more to say at all, or if maybe he’d simply forgotten to keep talking.

When he did pick up again, the sound of it was low and sorrowful.

"...It's not a bad thing. To be autistic. To have a child who is. I thought it was, for so long, because of all this. You know, you hear about it," - at this, Garak thought to himself, he didn’t hear about it, but he understood the meaning behind it - "you hear someone's just found out their little girl has autism, and you're supposed to feel sorry for them, pity them, grieve everything she's holding her family back from doing. And her subjective experience? Even if she's a healthy and happy and joyful child, it doesn't matter. It's ‘tragic’, only I don't think it really is."

Bashir sighed. "I've friends who are autistic, too, except they're not all augments like me. And I don't think anything - not a single thing - is wrong with them. As, as people, that is, of course there are sleep disturbances and digestive disorders, and - but, as people , they've as much a right to exist as anyone.” He raised his voice again as he said this. Despite feeling like a stranger to the nature of the conversation, Garak couldn’t help but admire Bashir’s passion. “ We have a right to exist. I do, and I don't have to pretend I've risen ‘above’ autism somehow to acknowledge that, I think. And I damn well don't have to be thankful to the people who tried to make me into something I'm not."

He turned back to face Garak again, seeming to have finally lost his steam. "I don't know... I'm sorry for blowing up on you like that, Garak."

"If that's the worst you have in store for me when ‘blowing up’, I should consider myself lucky." He delivered this with an easy smile, but then felt perhaps it wasn’t appropriate. I don’t know what else to say . Garak cleared his throat. "...Evidently, this is something which you feel strongly about."

After a moment, Bashir nodded. "It is. It's confusing, too - because I still don't feel good about it. I know that it's right. That being like this is just another way to exist, and that it's not a lesser way of being. But I suppose the damage's been done and I can't seem to internalize it for myself. I treat patients who are autistic. I told you, I have friends who are. They're proud of it. And at the same time, they're people who are whole and complex. When I think about - about Doctor Julian Bashir, Chief Medical Officer... I don't know. It's different. I can't imagine being taken seriously."

Garak wrapped his fingers loosely around Bashir’s wrist, hoping the reassurance in the action came through. "I won't claim to entirely understand the position you're in. You are... Aware of the differences in our cultures."

People who were disabled, and people who otherwise failed or refused to conform, didn’t exist in the public eye in Cardassian culture. Those who were in any way different had to make a choice between hiding it (and hiding it well) or living on the fringes. Anything less would place too much power in the mind of the citizen - power that came at the expense of the state.

They both knew this, though. To point it out anyway, though intended to illustrate his point, could be construed as rubbing it in.

It made him uneasy to show sentiment and vulnerability, just as it had stung to be honest, but there was no one else in the galaxy that Garak would rather be so sentimental toward. He continued.

"Should anyone judge you for a congenital difference, let them judge. Your merit as a doctor and as a friend will more than prove that judgment to be a reflection of their own character rather than yours."

"...You really mean that, Garak?"

He nodded - using such explicitly caring vocal language would have been too much in that moment. Being this open was beginning to wear him down, and the line had to be drawn somewhere. He let Bashir’s wrist fall from his grip, and gestured to take the jacket in his hands. "... Are you familiar with the Vulcan philosophy of ‘Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations’?"

"Passably familiar." Bashir smiled. "It hadn't occurred to me to apply that philosophy here."

"Some Vulcan you are."

Bashir’s optimistic little smile turned to a grin, and he chuckled boisterously, wrestling the jacket off without dislodging any of its pins. "Thank you."

"What did I say about happy clients?"

"Still, you didn't have to... Do this. It means a lot."

It was true. He wouldn’t do this - act this way, be so willing to talk and to truly listen, be so friendly - with any other client.

"Hm." He smiled. "Now, tell me, my dear Doctor - what has brought this all up all of a sudden?"

"I'm glad you asked. Recently, I received a subspace message from a friend of mine serving on the Enterprise, Commander Data -"

"The android?"

With palpable enthusiasm, Bashir nodded and continued.

Garak had a feeling the conversation would prove to be very interesting yet.

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end notes:

1) julian’s feelings here are largely reflective of my own point of view regarding autism back when i was a teen. i knew it was something normal and value-neutral that i had to accept about myself, but at the same time i felt fine calling it a disorder/illness and i heard sentiments from others that made me feel ashamed of it, so my feelings were very complicated. having since made more autistic friends and engaged more with online disabled (+ disability activist) communities as a whole, i have a much healthier happier viewpoint/understanding of my autism now. hopefully julian can obtain that as well.

2) mega thanks to my handsome genius wife for giving me the idea “julian goes to garak for help getting some sensory-friendly clothes for his autism”. accordingly, i wanna dedicate this story to my beloved schizospectrum brethren. no one has made me feel as understood, as worthwhile, or as human in my autism as they have.

3) i actually wrote up several paragraphs about ‘in the heart of the devil’ detailing its premise, because at first i thought it would be a lot more involved in this story - here’s that, if you wish to see.

#garashir #ds9 #star trek deep space nine #julian bashir #elim garak #butchdogthing

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