#autistic af

[void-thegod]

I hate it when people misunderstand me and instead of asking what I meant they just...

Assume whatever they thought I meant

:/

[smeetlinglord]

Happy Spaghetti Feed Tuesday to everyone EXCEPT TACO BELL CEO FOR DISCONTINUING THE CHIPOTLE RANCH GRILLED CHICKEN BURRITO, MY ONLY FAST FOOD SAFE FOOD. BOOOOOOOOOO 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅

Edit: they haven't done it yet as of 1/31/'24 but it's coming

[acid-to-water]

A visual representation of how the first conversation about autism with my parents went:

(for the record we have come a very very very LONG way)

[evilwomanliker]

im so thirsty i need juice that tastes like water i need to merge with those one images that are like fruit splashing into water

[earhartsease]

who else out there as a kid was "I don't know I'm autistic yet but the corners of this book's pages are delicious"

[vessels-cape]

I really wish I could consume media in a normal way but instead I’m like:

‘hehe, time to make this thing my entire personality and obsess over it 24/7’

[cl0udpup]

Autism self-discovery

This post will be detailing the thread I referenced in my last post. Here we go.

I’ve spent the last few months researching autism, trying to decide if it fits for me. I feel like I need to basically write a report with all the reasons I may or may not be autistic, before bringing it up to anyone in my personal life.

I’ve already gone through so many diagnoses, mental and physical health, because I’ve had so many problems my entire life. This adds to my fear of being disbelieved, or called a hypochondriac, or that people might think I’m just collecting diagnoses. In reality, I’ve known there’s something wrong and/or different about me as long as I can remember.

Some things fit, and give me a sense of relief and understanding. As time goes on, and other symptoms or circumstances clear, I feel I get closer to witnessing the real me. The clearer a picture I get, the more at peace I feel.

Right now, I’m at the end of a year that’s been almost entirely focused on my health issues. I found myself more disabled than ever before (and learned for the first time that I do indeed fit that label,) unable to work, do hobbies, take care of myself... I was falling apart.

Thankfully, also for the first time, I have genuine, unwavering, non-judgmental support. I have someone who believes and validates my struggles, and encourages me to continue healing.

After my physical ailments were brought under control, I was able to focus on my mental health. I went back to therapy, got a psychiatrist, adjusted my depression/anxiety meds, got diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type, started meds for it recently.

Yesterday I felt clarity like never before. I realized I felt “nothing”. I felt “normal.” It was amazing.

I’ve mentioned this before, but being sober now has been wildly eye opening as well. I’m sober, stable, medicated, and feel I finally can look at myself and my life, free from the fog.

I have always questioned WHY my life has been the way it is. Why I’ve had such a hard time, despite my best efforts, despite using any resources I could, despite trying to be self aware, research and learn about my problems, my behavior, my thinking.

ADHD explains a lot, but my experiences don’t fully align with other ADHD’ers I talk to or read about. In contrast, I feel seen when interacting with autists online, especially with AuDHD’ers.

The experience of being:

so sensitive (in every way)

chronically both over and under-stimulated

feeling like an outsider

excelling in some areas (or appearing to) but struggling deeply in others

always falling behind / can never catch up 

quirky and annoying

drawn to “weird” subcultures

bouncing around to communities without a group to call home

desperately plotting routines and schedules, but never able to stick to anything

always trying to “get my life together” 

I’ve been searching for so long for an answer to explain everything, why I feel so deeply, like I’m too sensitive for this world; I don’t understand how people can be so detached and uncaring. I’ve just been bewildered by it all, and don’t understand why people think I’M the weird one for caring so much about everything.

I’ve read others stories I see myself in. I feel it could be me, but I just still am scared, and don’t know. I told my therapist today I think my sibling is autistic, and we are alike in many ways. I’m thinking next week, maybe I’ll say: maybe I am too.

The replies:

“The fact you connect with what you’re learning about Autism and especially AuDHD’ers lived experiences is a good indication. Internalized ableism and Autistiphobia are hard to overcome.

I learned I was AuDHD as a young adult, and while it was liberatory in a way, I felt it was wrong of me to co-opt something I didn’t think I deserved to take the title of, as there were people who have more or different support needs. That was the ableism.

It’s okay to take your time. Feeling the need to justify your existence to others is their neuro-normative expectations on you, not your burden to bear.”

“I’m autistic and have all the traits you mentioned too.”

“Whatever you decide, you’re welcome between us! It took me a couple years to bring it to people close to me, and even then I have been really guarded about it in general, that’s ok too!”

“This is wildly autistic; which is to say, so awesome. You don’t need a test to know who you are.”

“I relate to a lot of what you shared. I went from social anxiety to BPD to cPTSD to ADHD before ever considering autism. I needed to know why I am so different and why life is so hard for me. I needed validation which I never got before finding the autistic community here.”

“This is autistic as fuck. Reminder that autism self-dx is absolutely valid. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.”

“You do you and what works for you, but as soon as I started reading your thread I was like hmmm, yep, sounds very familiar! :)”

“That would be a very autistic thing to do, you probably don’t need to do the list. ;)”

“Something I’m learning is that people who are not autistic don’t spend time wondering if they are.”

“This is me but 4 years of intensive research. My traits are recorded in sections in a document.”

“This first post right here is all the diagnosis you need. You just described the most autistic thing. This is the journey for so many of us. Welcome to the club.”

“So you’re saying you’re autistic then. ;) I agonized as well, making lists, weighing ADHD with ASD. Then I came here and talked about it and was assured that NT’s don’t make lists about whether they’re autistic or not. In fact, their brains are apparently rather quiet from what I hear.”

“There’s not much in the world that’s more autistic than extensive research on whether or not you’re autistic.”

“Making a list is a very autistic approach. I use it often.”

“This tweet shows your autism. Extensive research and writing a report, that’s your autism tell right there. Also, no one who isn’t autistic wants to be autistic. You have done the research; self-diagnosis is VALID because of gatekeeping of the diagnosis.”

[ms-t-marie]

[dejectedlozer524]

Why the fuck are corners so comfy to sit in, like for example the corner of a couch, the corner of a room, etc. Like no matter what, if there's a corner in a room, you WILL find me in that corner. There have been so many times where I've been asked to move from sitting in front of the fridge due to the corner at the fridge being the comfiest corner in the kitchen. Is this an Autism thing or are corners just comfy, Let me know what Y'all think?

[heather-m-quigley]

you know when like, neurotypicals get offended when you didnt want them to, or they just straight up say "i dont get it" and your brain starts doing this..?

(totally not taking >hour to watch like a 22 min anime episode with my thoughts and giffing and crap..)

(totally not wishing i was better at finding the sweet spot where drinking balances me out instead of making me worse)

[sarahhillips]

America if only autistic people were left in charge.

[ivan-is-autistic]

me to my autistic partner: what do u want for christmas

partner: legos or merch for this book series. what do u want?

me: crystals, flower legos, or cat tarot cards

[viaviv124]

I've seen homo/transphobes and alike calling the lgbtq+ community "alphabet mafia" and lowkey stealing that. Like, you think you can insult me with a dope ass title? Nah i'm so stealing that. Why did they think alphabet mafia was an insult in the first place? I absolutely adore that term like yes i am part of the gay mafia tf you wanna do about it homophobe?

[earhartsease]

me before my autism assessment: *sends them a numbered list of 73 reasons why I think I'm autistic*

no. 73: "this list"

reader, they diagnosed me

[cl0udpup]

It's the autism

I have therapy in less than an hour, and I'm going to present her my "autism report." 😅

I compiled a few pages of "I-statements" to guide me in communicating my discoveries. I'll share them here for any feedback (if you agree/disagree that I'm autistic,) or maybe this will be relatable to anyone else questioning their neurotype.

Might I be Actually Autistic?

I relate deeply with the lived experiences shared by other autistic people, especially those who also have ADHD.

I have pervasive sensory issues that have been a consistent struggle at home, away from home, at school growing up, and in social situations. My system is so sensitive, I have to consider my sensory needs in everything I do. These are not things I've been able to keep private, and are not preferences, but things that cause physical and emotional pain (have to cover eyes, ears, nose from overstimulation, or remove myself.)

I am intrinsicly drawn to patterns. I see, feel, and experience them in everything. I understand and enjoy things through collecting and categorizing.

I have experienced unexplainable meltdowns my entire life, these being some of my earliest memories. These happen most often when overwhelmed, when plans change, while facing decision fatigue, or when feeling misunderstood or abandoned.

I also experience shutdowns, where I turn inward, and can't interact. I get tunnel vision, it feels like there is a visual barrier between me and everything else, my perception becomes small, my hands/arms feel far away, my eye focus becomes dazed (zoning out, staring at nothing,) I can't speak or communicate.

I was told I had anger issues as a child, and I was very angry, because I felt like no one understood me or was able to take care of me. But my rage wasn't because I felt entitled to anything, or for superficial reasons that could be attributed to immaturity or age. My rage was because I was in such intense emotional pain and sensory overwhelm most of the time, and I felt like no one cared, and there was no escape.

When I was younger, I was told I was stubborn and inflexible.

I have felt different my entire life. As much as I love connecting with others, when in groups of more than one-on-one socializing, I often feel like an outsider, like I can't integrate. This has made me feel isolated and trapped in my own head.

I feel everything at 200%. I feel so deeply that I've lived most of my life in extremes of utter despair, hopelessness, and crushing pain, as if I'm carrying the world on my shoulders – or – in boundless ecstatic joy, obsession, euphoria, bliss, warm-fuzzy, dreamy surrender.

I have a fervent need for justice and compassion. My empathy is so deep and overwhelming, I feel like an alien on a planet of humans who are just fine with immense suffering and unfair existence. I desperately want to help others feel loved, seen, and included.

I feel I have a lot to offer, so I've found myself confused when people push my love and affection away. I got the sense that I am too much for people at times.

For a while, I tried to mask my desire to love and feel everything deeply, so that I didn't overwhelm others and scare them off. I lost myself in trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be (cool, detached, easy going, having no needs, care free.)

I am trusting, suggestible, and easily influenced. I have to make a conscious effort to gather all the facts, step back and look at things objectively, rely on others outside opinions of situations.

I frequently assume others share my outlook or motivation, and have been taken advantage of because of this. I assume since I have good intentions, others do too.

I get overwhelmed with friendships and relationships without a sense of structure, expectations, or clearly stated boundaries. I have always had my own idea of how friendships and relationships work, that often doesn't align with others expectations. This has led to miscommunication, one of us getting hurt, or me accidentally ghosting people.

My lifestyle and beliefs have always been counter to what is acceptable/normal to the majority of society. I have had to hide who I am at some level in almost every area of life.

I've had a desperate need for belonging, to be loved and valued. I have obsessively clung to, and often made impulsive, inappropriate decisions involving people who made me feel wanted.

I get wholly obsessed with things, deep diving into every interest, then jumping to the next. My friendships have generally been interest based, revolving around a certain thing that led us to meeting. I am restless and don't know what to do with myself in unstructured settings.

I stim when I'm happy, stim when I'm anxious, stim when I'm bored, stim when I'm overwhelmed.

I talked and read early as a child. I was put in the “gifted & talented” program in elementary school. Despite this, I struggled immensely with school. Everything moved too fast, and was simultaneously overwhelming and understimulating.

I've always felt like there was some deep secret inside me needing to be unlocked. I've spent countless hours researching different experiences, conditions, ways of being, identities, trying to figure out the missing piece in understanding myself. I have had repetitive dreams with recurring themes my entire life, and feel strongly my inner self has been trying to tell me something forever.

I've had generally poor health all my life. There just seems to be something wrong all the time.

I live my life like a rollercoaster, riding and crashing between highs and lows. When I feel okay, I overextend myself in every way. I live life to the fullest, and totally immerse myself in every aspect of life. Eventually I crash, burnout, and have to totally isolate and remove myself from everything for extended periods of time. This is when I ghost people, or stop working. It's all or nothing.

[seradae]

I was just thinking about how I haven't been on a date in a bit and was thinking "I just wanna sit on a call and nerd out with someone". Why is trauma dumping and rambling about special interests the most effective way to my heart?!