#bc i have my graduation in two days and i don't know how comfortable the robe material is going to be and if it's itchy then oh boy

[catiuskaa]

new task: valentine’s day.

PAIRING! seungmin x reader ; enemies/rivals2lovers!

SUMMARY: boring classes, boring classmates, boring assignments…to seungmin, everyone is boring even if he’s used to pretend otherwise, but you seem to get on his nerves. you, your stupid poem, and his stupid letter.

WC: 10.6k (OH MY FUCKING GOD)

CW: it’s like fluffy comfort because I say so, kim seungmin supremacy (YES), use of spanglish (just on the text messages bc yes, it’s not relevant to the plot, dw), use of text format for plot convenience (and a whole bunch of emojis and colors), the reader is stupidly short (which i know all about), use of cliché valentine and enemies2lovers tropes (BECAUSE THEY ARE FUN AND THEY WORK), academic rivals (we love to see it), bad student reader x good student seungmin (like bad/mean girl x good boy ish), mentions of the unability to deal with complicated feelings, mentions of masking feelings, slight hint of bullying?, mentions of being followed, use of (pet)names because I don’t like using ‘y/n’: little one, shortie, shortcake, smallable, pretty, (yes i’m just petty like that, sue me), hyunjin as a walking therapist, and the ending is almost a reference to a show i'm obsessed with (not gonna say it so i don't spoil it for you guys hehehe)

SPECIAL THANKS! To my lovely pookies @lyramundana and @tonks-21 for ideas and support, plus also, most of the classmate’s names are thanks to gorgeous gourgeous @stayconnecteed and her spanishverse series bc i’m so invested! Go check all of their blogs out! 100% recommend. son mis chicas españolitas, hehe<3

A/N: alone on valentine’s day? same for me, pookie! but dontchu worry, mister kim seungmin is here to help us out<3 (and if not, we can always help each other😚🫶)

[☆★🌷★☆]

{PROLOGUE: THE GROUPCHAT}

At first, you didn’t really know him.

To think for a second that there was a time where you didn’t know who he was made you sigh. Oh, how you wish you had never, ever encountered him.

…Kim Seungmin.

Some may say that ‘rivals’ or ‘enemies’ is a term that could seem too intense regarding a simple statement: that you two didn’t get along.

But no. Because those kind of words were exactly how you’d define your relationship.

And it had all started the first day of your last year before graduating. When you made the class groupchat.

> you created ‘Year 13-A 😼😼’

> you added ‘lucas🤺’ ‘atenea🛐’ ‘noa🫶’ and 16 more.

> you: guys help, am I missing people?

> you: @ atenea🛐 told me to create this group for homework n stuff but idk if I have everyone’s numbers 😵‍💫😵‍💫

< noa🫶: tía you’re missing two people no?

< lara💋: hala, new people?? 👀

< noa🫶: pero- they’re literally from the other group, girl

< abril🌻: you even know them lara

< abril🌻: se te va la pinza JAJSJA

< miguel📚: sí, there should be 22 people (creo)

> you: oh right, Lix told me!

> you: yeah i’ll add them now, brb 🏃‍♀️

Well.

Rookie mistake.

> you added ‘kim seungmin™️’, ‘hyunjin🎨’

> you: omg i even added everyone

< lucas🤺: omg omg

< kim seungmin™️: omg omg so crazyy

You rolled your eyes, smiling slightly as you texted. But that was just because you hadn’t talked to him before.

Now was a different story, of course. You wouldn’t smile, not for Kim Seungmin.

> you: @ kim seungmin™️ what was crazy is how difficult it was finding someone who had your phone number, lol

< han(gry)🐿️🎙️: fr fr omg

< lucas🤺: que es omg

< lucas🤺: ‘oh me gustas’ ? omg?

< lara💋: you’re such an idiot, asshole

< lucas🤺: ohhh you love me so bad 😌😌😌

< isabel🌸: she knows better lol

< lucas🤺: dude, you’re my sister

< lucas🤺: shouldn’t you be backing me?

< isabel🌸: there’s a fee for that, dude.

You giggled at the stupid teasing, used to your mates’ shenanigans that never ceased to make you laugh.

But then, he replied.

< kim seungmin™️: @ you the only difficult thing here is you reaching graduation

…

Your smile faded.

You read that once more. Then again. And another time.

You chuckled dryly.

What was this guy on about?

> you: ah? wdym?

You remember thinking that maybe he was joking. That maybe he was someone who talked to people with a lot of harsh remarks without really meaning them. That maybe he was trying to be funny, or something.

Other texts showed up, but Kim Seungmin —named like so in the contact Felix had shared to you— wasn’t replying.

< minho🐈: guys wtf it’s 00:12

< lucas🤺: oh he uses the other clock

< lucas🤺: so its am-pm for us but not for you

< lucas🤺: think you’re special? wanna fight?

< noa🫶: lucas just shut up and go to bed

< han(gry)🐿️🎙️: damn right 🛌🛌🛌

< miguel📚: guys, stop texting 😓

> you: yeah guys lol

< minho🐈: no u started this

< minho🐈: u shush

You snickered softly, used to Minho’s humour, quickly playing along.

> you: ?! unfair ☝️🤓

< kim seungmin™️: no, minho’s right for once

< kim seungmin™️: you should shush

< kim seungmin™️: you’re less annoying when you’re quiet

You frowned at your phone, your face contorted in angry confussion.

Who did this guys think he was?

With a huff, you typed a rapid “gtg guys!”, ignoring Seungmin’s texts, and quickly settled your phone back on your pocket, getting off the bus and finally arriving home.

You groaned, the text that that Seungmin idiot had sent still rolling in your head even after you laid in bed. You passed your hands through your hair.

“Difficult to reach graduation?” You mumbled, eyes fixated ln the chatroom the sentence feeling like acid in your mouth.

Kim Seungmin wasn’t ready for how difficult his last year was going to be, solely for his stupid text message.

[☆★🌷★☆]

{ACT 1: NOT A LOVEFOOL… YET}

To be in the same class group than him was slightly tolerable.

Is what you’d like to say if you were in a good mood. But it wasn’t the case.

You were mad. As fuck.

“I just need you to give it a chance,” Miss Fernández stated once more, and you had to hold back to not roll your eyes at her.

“But Miss. I know that this subject is difficult and that he could, uh, help me out with the project,” you muttered reluctantly, because on normal circumstances, you wouldn’t go as far as to let Kim Seungmin help you with chemistry. Not ever.

You weren’t in need of help that desperatly.

And that was a fact, not a matter of ifs, buts, or maybes. That was an absolute. Something that lovely-yet-not-so-much teacher Lucía Fernández, spanish accent and all, was not getting.

“Listen. We both know that your grade is the best I can offer considering your behaviour in my class, despite of your average knowledge of the subject. And in this case, I am offering to set that aside if you work on these following assignments with your classmate Seungmin.”

Her harsh tone was also an absolute, and that made you clench your jaw. You blamed Lucas for her attitude towards you —after all, that one accident with a Bunsen Burner had been mostly his fault—, but you breathed in, trying to offer your most pity-inducing grin.

Judging by her glare, it wasn’t working.

“Miss, I—”

“I’m sorry.” She didn’t look like she was. “It’s my last word. And I think that after coming three days to my office on each of your free periods, this is getting a bit tiring.” She sighed, adjusting her glasses by a soft push of her finger.

Nope. She definetely wasn’t sorry.

Witholding a groan you left her office, and huffed as the door closed behind you, swiftly heading to meet your group of friends when they got out of their Biology lesson in other building within the school grounds.

It was a chilly evening, maybe not too much from what one could expect for the first week of February, still one that made you hide your face in your scarf and you hands in your jacket pockets.

You settled your headphones where they belonged, humming to the music to hold back the need to rant and rave against your chemistry teacher, when your phone dinged.

< henry li🫧: everything ok? saw you in lucifer’s office rn

< henry li🫧: did you do smth again? you cheekyyy 🙊

You gingerly laughed, and started typing out your answer, when, out of nowhere, you bumped against someone, making all of the books that they were carrying fall down of their grasp.

You pursed your lips, then pressed them in a thin line. Staring at their— his back, you saw that his backpack was almost empty. Why the fuck would he carry all of his books on his hands then?

The guy had quickly bent down to get his books back, and you followed too, taking your headphones off and quickly trying to prevent the papers from getting wet because of the floor, that was damp from the rain before, when your hands softly brushed against each other, still, you forced yourself to ignore it.

“I’m so…” the word dissapeared in your mouth.

“It’s ok, don’t… oh.” He blinked, his face showing nothing. For fuck’s sake.

Why did it always have to be him?

He swiftly took all of the things from you, as if your touch could be worse than the wet floor. You frowned, feeling a cold shiver trail up your spine, and you crossed your arms in front of you, struggling to seek some warmth.

“Watch it, little one.” He mocked with a light smirk. “I might accidentally step on you one day.”

You looked at him through your eyelashes. What. An. Idiot. You passed a hand through your hair, chuckling dryly.

“I-,” you sighed, shaking your head sideways. “Nah, you know what? I don’t have time for this crap.” You smiled at him widely, full of sarcasm.

But just when you were about to leave, you felt a tug at your sleeve, the fabric of your shirt not thick enough to hide the warmth of Seungmin’s grasp on your forearm. You frowned, confused at the lack of any uncomfortable feelings because of it. There was none, but rather a need to cover yourself with it and wear it like a jacket.

“Did you fix it?”

You blinked, trying to get your brain to focus on his words.

“Huh?”

He rolled his eyes, but his hand didn’t move an inch. “You said you were going to talk to Miss Fernández so we wouldn’t be partners, which is, well, so mature, congratulations,” he tsked, but then continued. “But did it work?”

You licked your lips and swallowed, your throat feeling dry. What was going on? You needed to focus.

In a harsh motion, you moved your arm away from his grasp. You forced yourself to ignore how your skin missed it.

“I… no. She settled. You- I mean… we…” the word felt awkward when it rolled off your tongue.

We? There was no such thing in between Seungmin and you. No we, no us, no nothing. And it was like that for a reason. One that you had almost forgotten with how softly his slender and warm hand had been holding your forearm. Ugh.

As you struggled to say those infamous words, your phone dinged again, and you mumbled a short “oh, wait,” and unlocked it.

< henry li🫧: leaving me on read, shortcake?

Seungmin stared at your phone, shoving his hands on his pockets when he saw you smile at the bright screen. He bit his lower lip. He hadn't taken all of his stuff out of his backpack just for this.

“So,” he licked his lips, and it almost shocked you the sudden roughness on his tone and demeanour. “Chemistry is easy. We can meet up on Friday in the public library. An hour or two should be enough, even for someone with a fun-sized brain like yours.” He chuckled meanly, the motherfucker.

Ever since that stupid text from him, you had made it your mission to surpass him, or at least reach his level, and to be honest, you were even succeding in some cases, like philosophy, art history, spanish, technical drawing and business studies. But Chemistry?

Chemistry would always kick you in the ass.

Before you were able to come up with a comeback for his stupid snicker, the bell rang, and you felt an arm laying its weight on your shoulders.

“Smallable!” Lucas laughed, then realized that you were talking to a certain someone and ful Ty ly gasped. “Oh my god. Are you two finally dating and I interrupted— AH!” He was interrupted by your elbow hitting his side. Noa and Atenea chuckled behind him.

“No. Seungmin was just leaving.” You huffed with a frown, but then you smiled, almost excessively, like a small maniac. “Right?”

But before he was able to reply or mock you, Atenea spoke, ruining your chances of kicking him away.

“But we all have English now,” she said, and if it had been someone else, like Lucas, you would’ve stepped on his shoe or something. “We’re going to the same place, we can go together.”

Seungmin felt you stare intensively at him. He smiled at Atenea, finding that he enjoyed having you look at him, reason why he loved annoying the shit out of you.

“Sure!” He smiled politely, almost sheepishly, and you bit your lip to hold back the need to scoff at his 'obviously fake' kindness.

Because except for you, the rest of your class —heck, probably the rest of the school— were smitten with Kim Seungmin.

Top of the class, funny, kind, and cutely introverted Kim Seungmin was just a dorky student who tried to get along with everyone.

But that was wrong. And you may not have any proof aside from his mean attitude towards you and only you, but you knew it.

Seungmin had to be more than just a pretty boy with high grades, and it was only with you that he proved you right.

You stayed next to Lucas, hoping that Seungmin would at least stay with your friends and ignore you.

But to your horror, he smiled at you, a pink dust on his cheeks. “If you don’t mind?”

Oh, son of a bitch.

“No… it’s whatever.” You huffed.

Because against his dorky self, to the rest of your class —heck, to the rest of the school— you were the quote on quote “bad student.”

Troublesome, mean, class clown? Check. You laughed at teachers in class with Lucas far more than what could be ignored, the dresscode had always been more of a guide in what to wear, unlike what most students usually followed, and you may have been expelled a bunch of times.

Even if you were somewhat kind to the people in school, and even if they all knew your rivalry with Seungmin, God forbid you were mean to him.

You wouldn’t see the end of it.

And he knew it.

Bitch.

So there you were, walking to English class with your friends plus innocent Seungmin —who no one had called, not even the ghostbusters—, who was snickering and giggling with Atenea about who-gives-a-shit. Something class-related. You couldn’t be bothered to listen.

Lucas chuckled next to you.

“Careful, Spongebob.” He laughed. “Some could say you seem jealous.”

…WHAT?!

“Of… of Kim Seungmin?” You snorted. “Are you on drugs?”

He ruffled your hair. “Sure, sure, keep lying to yourself, shortie.”

Finally, you arrived to class, but before you stepped inside, Seungmin stopped you, whispering in your ear.

“Yeah, shortie.” He teased, his lips almost grazing the shell of your ear. “Don’t be too jealous. We wouldn’t want everyone to know you love me.”

His whisper would’ve been almost enticing if it weren’t for the fact that it was Kim Seungmin the man in question, and he snickered, pushing his glasses back.

But then someone cleared his throat behind you two.

“Care to sit down? I don’t have all day.” Mister Holmes grunted, carrying a monster drink and a coffe at the same time.

That mas was slightly terryifing.

You squinted at Seungmin and then walked to your place at the back of the class, hoping that your cheeks felt warm because of how the teacher had startled you and definetely not your classmate’s honey-like voice.

“Pssst. Heeey,” Noa smiled teasingly, whispering with a smirk. “Pssst. You’re blushing…!”

“Shut up!” You frowned at her, but you were unable to hold back a smile. But it was because of your friend Noa. Not Kim Seungmin.

Mr Holmes cleared his throat, and finished off his monster, throwing it to the bin.

“So. I’ve been hearing from some students in the hallways that you’re all excited for saint valentines’ day.” He stated in a strong voice, one that filled the class with little to no effort. “And sadly so, I was thinking of putting an exam that Wednesday…” he faked a sigh, and you had to hold back a laugh, contrary to the frowns and groans that appeared in your classmates faces. Pfft, what a character. “Unless… you guys want to do something in true valentines fashion.”

Mr Holmes crossed his arms, laying back on his chair, his stare cold and face lacking any kind of emotions.

“Say… any ideas, Mr… Kim?”

Seungmin sat up straight at his name being mentioned, and you rolled your eyes, holding back a mocking smirk.

“I ugh… I wouldn’t want to bother my classmates with a lot of work, sir… but maybe… maybe a writing assingment related to the topic would be… enough?” Seungmin stated, his tone soft and shy, and there was even a blush that trailed up from his neck, but he stayed staight and firm as he spoke.

“A valentine-themed task.” Mr Holmes enunciated as he pondered. “It’s a… decent idea. Any complaints?”

You felt some of your classmates’ eyes on you, and you sighed, crossing your arms in front of you, remaining silent. As long as it wasn’t an exam, you’d accept whatever.

“With that settled, I’ll upload the task online this afternoon, but it’ll have to be written by hand. Be sure to hand in a picture of your assignment on time, or your final grade will be affected.” The teacher turned on his laptop, and started taking assistance.

[☆★🌷★☆]

Time had passed dreadfully slowly, until the bell rang and Mr Holmes dissmissed all of you so everyone could leave for the day.

“A valentine-themed task.” You huffed in annoyance as you stuffed your locker with books you weren’t going to take home.

“I thought it was original.” A voice snickered lowly behind you, and you slapped your locker close, smiling at him.

“Well, Henry. It’s no surprise your taste sucks.”

You chuckled when he rolled his eyes.

“I was waiting for your reply,” he mentioned with a soft tone.

You closed your locker, and you two started walking together. “Oh, sorry, I totally forgot,” you apologized with a smile, but he brushed it off. “Yeah, I was with Lucifer earlier. She’s making me work with Seungmin for this term’s assignments.”

Henry frowned. “And we hate that guy… right…” you chuckled.

“Exactly. We don’t like him.”

“So then, don’t do it. You were going to meet him to study, right?” You nodded, smirking slightly at him.

“We agreeded to meet on Friday to start, in the library.” You added, watching his smirk widen. “What are you thinking?”

He stopped walking, smiling at you. “There’s this club that opened recently. Been wanting to go have a look. Apparently, it’s like exclusive and shit. And it’s Friday.” His light-coloured eyes shined as he looked at you. “Meet me there?”

You grinned cheekily.

“Sure. Can’t wait.”

[☆★🌷★☆]

You hadn’t noticed Seungmin on the school bus until this year.

Because he had made himself noticeable, sitting at the back of the bus, a couple seats away from you, but oh, dorky Seungmin was always friend of everyone, sheepishly starting conversation with any kinds of people in the bus, no matter the year they were in.

Before his text, you had even thought he was cute as he gingerly chatted with a group of kids who were probably starting high school.

“Is it too difficult?” A little girl asked.

And it surprised you how he turned to her and smiled, almost tugging at your heart strings, eyes like crescent moons.

“It’s only difficult if you stop trying. And we don’t give up, right?” He stated cheerfuly, and all the kids shined at his sheepish and bashful brightness, high-fiving the girl that talked to him.

You forced yourself to shove those memories to the back of your mind. That Seungmin wasn’t real. And you didn’t like him. The real him. Right?

“Oi, Kim Seungmin.” You called, as it was only you two left on the bus.

He was surprised at your call, but only side-eyed at you, lazily raising his brows, signalling that he was listening. You frowned.

See? You thought to yourself. He’s mean. He isn’t sweet, nor cute. Focus.

“What kind of lame ass idea was that?” You huffed with a mean smile. “A valentine-themed assignment.” You snorted.

His bus stop was close, so he ignored you as he picked up his coat and backpack, but you kept on talking. “You know? Hallmark office called, they want their boring clichés back,” you mocked, laughing.

Backpack on and coat hanging on his arm, he stared at you, and waited for a red light to walk to your seat.

He settled next to you, still staring at you as you chimed mean remarks about his originality and such and such.

“Anything else to mumble? I couldn’t hear you from down there.” He snorted meanly, and you were too focused on annoying him that you didn’t notice his stare at your lips as he licked his own.

You rolled your eyes. “You’re such a lame guy. He gave you the chance to choose, and you chose that piece of—?!”

His lips tasted as sweet as his voice that day with those little kids.

You felt his hand slowly creep up and cradle your face, his eyes closed as he kissed you, and slowly, your eyes closed too.

It was sweet. So sweet. But what was it? It was a flavour that you knew. Its sweetness was so familiar, but you couldn’t seem to figure out what was it.

You kissed him back, and he let out a surprised whine as you sighed, your hands, which had been frozen on his shoulders, waiting for your order to push him away, slowly followed up and remained on his face, your thumbs almost stroking his cheeks.

You wanted needed to know what he tasted like.

But it was when your hands went into his hair that he sighed too, melting under your touch, that your brain clicked.

…

what were you doing?

…

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!

You pushed him away, and your breath hitched.

He didn’t look like fake Seungmin.

In front of you was not the innocent boy who had straight A’s and was shy enough to not be able to say no to a lot of things, who sheepishly spoke up in class, or who treated everyone with a bashful kindness that was so endearing.

This Seungmin was different. His glasses had a bit of a fog in them, his hair was all messed up, and his lips were plush, pink from your tinted gloss and slightly swollen from your kiss.

This Seungmin was a wreck, all flustered and kissable, and he looked like a mess.

But it felt real.

And for a second, you wanted to kiss him again, yearning to figure what that kiss tasted like, the word for it almost in the tip of your tongue.

He panted, struggling to catch his breath.

“Finally,” he huffed with a smile, but his dark eyes didn’t match the mocking in his tone. A small part of your mind thought that they looked prettier than any light eyes you had ever seen. “So you were able to shut up, after all.” He gulped, still panting.

He moved away from you slowly, as you remained there, frozen, like a piece of art in front of him, cheeks blushed, lips flushed and parted as your eyes stared at him, an emotion much different from this evening.

He found himself enjoying this one even more.

“Eh… T-this is my bus stop.” He muttered when the bus stopped. Maybe it wasn’t, but he didn’t care. He felt like he would have the energy to run home if needed. “I-I’ll… see you tomorrow.”

You blinked as he stood up and walked away.

What…

What had just happened?

[☆★🌷★☆]

{ACT 2: UNDER THE STREETLIGHT}

After avoiding Seungmin like the plague all Thursday, only looking at his back when you zoned off in class, Friday arrived earlier than expected.

You hadn’t been able to concentrate at all, the thought of his sweet taste lingering in your mouth, almost letting you feel the ghost of his lips pressed against yours.

“Hello? Earth to… oh, you’re awake, Jesus.” Abril looked at you with a smile, but she was unable to hide her worried look.

“Of course I am,” you mumbled, shaking your head sideways. “What’s going on?”

“You haven’t even touched your delicious and totally-not-overcooked pasta.” Lara mentioned the cafeteria lunch as she poked it whith her fork, full of humour. “It leads to believe that you’re dealing with something far more interesting that the technical drawing homework, that’s for sure.”

You bit your lip, hesitating.

“Is it because Henry Li has been ignoring you?” Noa mentioned softly.

You blinked, puzzled. “Huh?”

He’d been ignoring you? Now that she had mentioned, maybe that could’ve happened. Maybe you would’ve realized if you hadn’t been so focused on Seungmin and whatever-happened-that-cannot-and-should-not-be-remembered-every-five-minutes…

…or maybe you should look for an easier name for it.

“Uh, no, he invited me to this new place today, actually,” you brushed your hair with your hand mindlessly. “But I’m fine. Really. Just tired.” You smiled at the girls, and joined in at their conversation.

After lunch, you separated from Lara and Noa, who had literature, and Abril, who had been hanging out with a guy called Jeongin from her photography club recently, and so you headed to the study room.

It was a quiet place, quieter that what you had initially expected for a high school study room. Matter of fact, you thought it was a pity that the school closed it after class, considering that in that case you wouldn’t have to walk to the public library.

You opened the door silently, finding that there were barely any students, only three or four people studying silently. You were heading towards a lonely corner so you could listen to music in a high volume without having to pay attention if it could be heard through your headphones. Or maybe, considering that it hadn’t been a lie and that you had slept like four hours maximum, you could probably rest there until the bell rang.

You snickered when you looked to your right, finding someone struggling with the technical drawing homework that had been assigned that morning, the one that Lara and Noa had been talking about.

You gently tapped the guy’s shoulder, but spoke before he even turned.

“You’re missing this incline here,” you whispered on his ear, your arms coming above his shoulders, placing your hands above his, placing the square and bevel on the right angle. “It should be seen, but with dotted lines, get it? That way the side-view makes sense.” You added with a soft giggle.

“Oh, right. T-thank you…” he mumbled, not facing you.

You brushed it off as weird, but your sleepy self wasn’t bothered enough to notice or pry, and instead smiled, ruffled his hair and settled in your cozy little corner, placing your scarf in between your arms and rested your head on it, merely “resting your eyes”, but only if a teacher happened to come and check on the students.

Seungmin stared at your sleeping figure, eyes almost wide. He felt like his heart was going to explode underneath the layers of flesh. His hands tingled, his usually warm and sweaty palms missing the comfortable coldness of yours, so soothing and relaxing.

Either you had completely gone crazy, or he had fallen asleep trying to complete the stupid assignment. He knew you were good at technical drawing, it was one of the subjects were he wasn’t. It wasn’t a surprise when several students started asking you for help on their papers and assignments, considering that you were one of the few who was able to receive praise from the teacher, a middle-aged man with no kind of vocation with kids or teaching, by any means.

But it had never happened when he was the one in need of help, had you ever considered the idea of helping him.

He watched you, puzzled, as he had never done before, and maybe it would be the first time of many because Seungmin found himself liking what he was seeing, dare I say mesmerized by the image before him.

By you.

Your sleepy figure was as calm as he had ever seen from you, sleeping with little to no care in the world. Your hair remained stuck in a ponytail, which allowed Seungmin to notice that it left the skin of your neck visible, and despite the voice on his head saying that it was a behaviour quite like a man from the Modern Ages, just being so fixated at that small bit of skin, he couldn’t help but feel bashfully amazed.

Suddenly, he noticed you licked your lips, your eyes still closed and your small smile never faltering, but that made something start to flutter in his stomach, as if a whole lot of butterflies had been awaken at the sight of you, tranquil, and sweet, and cute, and he forced himself to stop looking at you abruptly, wondering why he had done that in the first place.

Licking your lips only made Seungmin aware of how dry his were, and action plus the thought of your lips immediately brought back what had happened on Wednesday.

Crazy. He’d gone completely crazy.

He felt his hand slowly approach his lips and he grazed them with his fingers, almost able to taste your chapstick back on his lips. Because he had been able. All Wednesday night. And a small part of him wanted more of it.

He blushed, scratching his eyes. He hadn’t slept shit, his mind betraying him every time he attempted to close his eyes instantly going back to the memory of how you stared at him after your kiss, dark pupils, and red lips, and so ridiculously gorgeous that it made Seungmin wonder why whenever he saw you he resorted to his first line in code: being mean.

He never used that side with anyone. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried, because small, teasing and slightly unhinged Kim Seungmin had tried to be himself in middle school, and… well.

Let’s just say that it didn’t work like expected.

But everyone loved dorky, funny and sweet Seungmin. Even with the difference with grades, that had definetely not been appreciated in his early years, nowadays people would see that as a part of him, and he recieved praise for it, not only from teachers, but also nice classmates, who sometimes went to seek help from him.

He just needed to pretend for a bit. Smile here and there, and put on a sheepish act of bashfulness that despite it not being natural, it wasn’t totally bad. It wasn’t like middle school.

But then you came in the picture.

Something about you made Seungmin want to tease you. To see you finally look at him after battling in your head if you even should, and then, sometimes when you were mad enough, you’d glare at him, and he couldn’t help but grin. Your cheeks flushed in anger that creeped up your body, how you looked at him through your lashes or how you’d tease him back. The first time you had done that, his brain’s chemistry had changed, he was sure of that.

He didn’t care about the mean remarks, and that now seemed almost obvious, considering what had happened almost two days ago in the school bus.

But it got impossible to miss when Seungmin noticed your sleepy self shivering in your slumber. With a mental groan, careful of not making any kind of loud noise in the study room, he slowly got closer to your corner, and tried to close the windows near it. And failed, because the stupid windows were old and rusty, only able to move them a bit.

He bit his lip, arguing in his head. Would that be enough? No, it probably wasn’t, right? Yeah, it couldn’t be. Considering that you always wore thin clothing, always borrowing your mates’ jackets…

…it couldn’t possibly hurt to do a bit more, right?

Seungmin approached you further, and shook a hand close to your face, but you were dead, as still as a fallen tree, despite the sunlight that enetered throught the windows glowing on your face, the Sun in winter, that brought little to no warmth, made you shine in his eyes.

He’d see you in the public library a couple of hours later. It didn’t mean anything. He could probably tease you for sleeping in school later. Yeah. And then he’d ask for his jacket back.

Seungmin was lost in his thoughts as he carefully settled his jacket over your shoulders, and he froze when you sighed deeply, surrounded by a familiar warmth and a cozy scent that you didn’t know you had missed or needed until then, but you didn’t wake up.

He blinked when he noticed your phone in your hand, the screen suddenly turning on. He giggled at your wallpaper, which had a silly joke on it and a funny doodle of a banana.

But then his eyes trailed down to the notification that had made the phone turn on.

[3 new messages from: henry li🫧]

> sorry i didn’t get to see u yesterday, had to sort smth out!

> guys.its.totally.a.real.address.wdym.lol

> it’s the address for later, shortcake 😉❤️

…huh?

Seungmin blinked once. Twice. Nah, his glasses had to be deceiving him. Then, another notification popped up.

> can’t wait to see you ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

He winced silently.

Ugh. What a cringy choice of emojis.

Did you really like this guy?

He frowned, going back to his place in the study room.

Ugh.

He didn’t care, obviously. Why would he care? That wasn’t his business. Never was, never would be. Not like he was interested. Pffft, no. Not at all. Yeah, nah. That kiss had been a one time thing. Totally. 100%. He wasn’t thinking about it again. Nope. Nor did he want to kiss you again. Not in a chance.

Just… ugh.

It was just that… no. Scratch that. No further comments.

He sighed as he went back to his work, feeling a sudden inspiration hit him as he took out a blank paper for the English class valentine’s assignment, but not before he looked at you again, then shook his head, turning the music back on in his headphones. He started writing, drafting, and throwing papers away, getting slightly desperate at his perfectionism.

He sighed. His eyes trailed off towards you.

Slowly, words started to flow in his head. Pretty sentences, things that he had kept hidden in the back of his mind. Maybe it could be good to let it all out. It couldn’t hurt. Yeah.

So he stared writing. Vomiting word after word. And he finished earlier than expected, with two papers.

One was perfect for the english assignment. It was boring and dull enough to be handed in for a school work, but good enough for his perfectionism.

And the other… was something different.

Something that had only happened because you were there, in front of him.

He stood up, letter on his hand. He leaned against the table you were sleeping in, and settled the jacket further on your shoulders. He sighed, grabbing a pen from his pencil case, folding the letter and signed it.

Maybe it was a bad idea, he thought as he picked up his stuff from the table and adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

He looked at your figure once more before heading out.

It had been to check if you were still asleep, of course.

Just to check.

Yeah.

[☆★🌷★☆]

Your phone vibrated in your hand again.

And again.

And again.

With a groan, you silently accepted that there was no way you could fool an inanimate object into believing that you were still asleep.

But when you yawned and looked around and didn’t find the posters in your room, but rather a whole bunch of tables and chairs, your eyes widened.

It hadn’t been your alarm but a phone call that had awoken you.

“Y-yeah?” You mumbled, picking up the call and quickly taking your backpack and scarf and rushing out of the study room, taking a quick scan and making sure you weren’t leaving anything behind.

“I’m heading to the club now, shortcake.” A low voice greeted. “Are you getting ready?”

Who…?

“H-henry?” You frowned slightly.

You heard him snicker through the other side. “Yeah?”

Fuck, shit, fuck.

“N-nothing! Nothing, I, uh, I was just doing my make up. Y-you know.”

What? You frowned, even more this time. No, that didn’t make any sense. You always blabbered about how you never did your make up for clubbing because the one you owned was cheap and never stayed on anyways.

“Sure, yeah.”

It didn’t seem like he had noticed.

“You can head there before me. I’ll go there eventually, yeah?”

You heard him snicker on the other side of the phone call. “Ok, baby.” He cleared his throat, stuttering a bit. “Y-yeah, I mean, I’ll uh… get there in a bit. Don’t rush.”

Only then you felt that the wind from outside wasn’t freezing your bones like usual. You squinted at the jacket you were wearing.

“Henry, did you…?” But he hung up.

It probably was him. Yeah. That’s why he had called you. To make sure you’d wake up.

Besides, there were little to no people who’d do such a kind gesture towards you, and even if the jacket was pretty much your style and it smelled like heaven, it didn’t feel like something any of the girls would keep around.

So, why didn’t it made you feel giddy that Henry had given you his jacket?

You kept on running through the hallways and catched the bus that was usually there for students who had extracurricular classes, unlucky people who had to stay in school late in Fridays. You never had, using Fridays to be a bit lazy or to start homework sooner just to hand it in earlier than Seungmin.

Oh.

Friday.

Seungmin.

The library.

You bit your nails, staring through the window.

Would he wait there for long?

What was he going to do once he figured you weren’t going to show up?

Were you… feeling guilty?

No… that… that couldn’t be, you chuckled dryly. Mean decisions against Kim Seungmin didn’t spend too much time on the judgmental side of your brain. You just… teased him back. And he’d take it. And double it. And so on.

So why did this feel too mean?

Could it be because of whatever-happened-that-cannot-and-should-not-be-remembered-every-five-minutes?

Could the fact that it had been the best thing that had happened in a long while?

Well, fine.

Not just ‘thing’.

A kiss.

And for fuck’s sake, what kiss.

You groaned and grunted, sprinting home as soon as the bus stopped.

Why did it always have to be him?

You entered your room and burst open your closet. The jacket was cool, you thought. And if you were going to see Henry, you could just wear it and hand it back to him in the club.

It was vintage, but its warmth engulfed you as if it had been handmade. Its funky designs and patterns looked cute, and its grey color contrasted well with it. You chose the first dress you saw, a tight black dress with no sleeves that you would’ve discarded as too short if you had more time, but it wasn’t exactly something you could’ve bragged about.

Jacket, dress, high socks, boots, wallet, phone, keys, headphones… yeah. You nodded, checking all of the boxes in your mental list, and started hurriedly walking to the address he had sent.

You hoped you weren’t going to be too late.

[☆★🌷★☆]

“Pick up, pick up, pick up…”

“The number you are trying to call is turned off or out of coverage. Please, leave your message after the—”

You hang up, tired of hearing that mechanic voice over and over again.

You looked around you, and there was nothing that looked like a club. You had tried to enter the building that the address lead to, but it hadn’t got well.

A strange figure opened a small window and gave you a look, almost disgusted. It took you a second to understand that they were wearing a mask, with dark lace and other colours. But just when you were about to speak, the window slammed close.

You blinked, puzzled. Where the fuck was Henry sending you? What kind of club was this?

You had started to roam around the building, trying to call him —and failing misserably, because the damn guy couldn’t pick up the fucking phone for the life of him—, but now you were starting to run out of ideas.

It was past 12pm, your legs shivered with every slight wind that swooshed your way, and there was no one that was going to pick up the phone. Not Henry, that ridiculous imbecile, not Lucas, who always bragged about having his phone in night mode, so nothing would get to him until morning, and not the girls, because Noa had her phone turned off, Atenea was most likely sleeping, Abril and Lara hadn’t picked up either, and your list of close friends who could possibly pick up was… that.

And no one was picking up the fucking phone.

You were about to keep on ranting about how disgustingly bad this was turning out to be, but you heard footsteps coming your way. You looked around, but didn’t find the source. With a frown, you walked to the building again

Placing your hand on one of the windows, who were dark and almost impossible to see through, you could notice that in the dim light from what could be seen outside, Henry was well entertained with a certain kind of company, so much that he couldn’t even pick up your phone.

You closed your eyes and leaned your forehead against the tinted glass. Of course. Yeah. That made total sense. It was Henry, after all. He had always been known to be kind of an asshole anyways. It couldn’t possibly come out as a surprise the fact that he actually was.

You shook your head and mentally mocked him and the blond girl he was kissing.

Henry Li could go to Hell.

Guess there was nothing left to do now. You had dumped Seungmin, and Henry had dumped you. It was an ass move over an ass move. Maybe you kinda deserved it.

But then your thoughts ended in a halt, because you swore you could feel a shadow starting to follow you from a distance.

They were behind you, but not too close, and due to their hoodie it was imposible to distinguish their face.

So you started walking. Turning left. Right. Left again. Right. Just kept on walking. Don’t look behind you. They’d probably just leave. This had to be your imagination, 100%.

But when you took a peak, the silhouette was not only still behind you, slowly walking towards you, but a slight bit closer this time.

You swallowed dry, gulped, even. Your heart tightened in your chest. What kind of joke was this? Your eyes were tearing up. You were tired, and this was mental. Adrenaline rumped through your body, and even if you were already lost, you kept on walking.

You took your phone from your pocket. Think, think, think. Who could you call? Who could pick up at one am? You scrolled down your list of contacts, until for a reason you don’t fully get, your eyes stopped at a certain name.

—> seungmeannie

It couldn’t possibly hurt to try… right?

You sniffed almost silently, and pressed call.

One beep.

Two beeps.

Three beeps.

You started crying a bit louder, unable to hold it back.

“Eh, hi…?”

“S-seungmin!” You sobbed, smiling. It was the first time in your life you had been that happy just from being able to hear his voice, raspy and low.

“W-what?” He stopped talking, and you guessed that it was because he hadn’t figured out who was calling him so late at night. “Do you know what time it is, you fun-sized dingus?” He groaned sleepily at the phone.

You bit your lip and sniffed.

“Wait. Are you… crying?” His tone had changed.

“I-i’m sorry about t-this eve-ening.” You sobbed, failing to hold back the tears, hugging the jacket that was still on your shoulders.

“Are you drunk, little one?” You never thought your shoulders could relax as fast as they had when his soft tone of voice called you that stupid nickname.

“N-no, I… I went to this stupid club, with-“

“With Henry, yeah.” The way he said his name, as if he wanted to put that stupid bitch in a box and send him to the end of the world took you by surprise.

“B-but um, he’s not picking up my phone and I…” you gulped. Taking a peek behind you, you shivered. “I think someone’s following me.”

“Wait, what?” Seungmin had never stood up from bed as fast as he had done that night. “Where are you?” He asked to the phone as he randomly picked a sweater and his glasses, biting his lip as he struggled to put on his shoes.

“I… I don’t know.” You sobbed. “I started walking away so he’d go, but it didn’t work.” You mumbled, sniffing. You felt so stupid.

“Everything’s going to be fine, yeah?” It was the first time in the whole afternoon that you felt like that statement could be true. Because Seungmin was going to help you. “Don’t hang up. Tell me what buildings can you see. Try heading away from small alleys. I’ll find you.”

Seungmin rushed out of his appartment, not before scribbling down what was happening in a post it note and left it on his mother’s bedside table.

“T-there are some restaurants, but they’re all closed.” You started, dubious as how was this going to work. “There’s a road to my left.”

“Can you name any of the restaurants, little one?” Seungmin had a hunch, and he huffed, sprinting to the plaza closest to his appartment.

“I just passed by a Mexican, I think.” You sniffed, Seungmin’s soothing voice working like a charm and calming you down slowly. “In front of me, I think this is a Japanese… it’s called Ginza.”

Seungmin chuckled, feeling relief flooding his body. “Y-yeah, ok! I- god, yes, I know where you are. Keep walking straight ahead. There should be a park, right?” He started running, hiding the fact that he’d have to rush and make the usual fifteen minutes it could take him to arrive where you were and make them five.

He needed to see you and make sure you were safe.

“I… shit, yeah! I can see it!” You went back to crying, a smile planted in your features.

“I’m almost there. You’re doing so well, little one.”

You felt your cheeks getting warmer at that. Walking a bit faster, you looked behind you, finding that the silhouette was still there.

But Seungmin was close. Seungmin said everything would be fine.

“S-seungmin?” You mumbled at the phone, wanting to hear his voice, so soothing and warm.

“Under the streetlight, silly.”

You heard the beep that sounded when Seungmin ended the call, but he was there, tangible, a couple of meters away from you.

You chuckled, happy to see him for the first time ever, and crying away the pent up stress and worry, you ran off to him, and clung your arms around his neck tightly, unbothered at the need to stand on the tips of your toes to do so.

Seungmin stuttered, still panting from the marathon he had ran to get there, 100% baffled at this. But it was ok. You were there. You were safe.

“T-they’re still behind me.” You whispered against his chest.

He could feel your nervousness on your tone, how scared you were judging by how strongly your arms closed behind his neck, and hesitated for a second before hugging you back, his arms pulling you closer by your lower back, keeping you grounded and so weirdly safe in his grasp, and it felt so strangely comforting coming from him that your eyes swelled with more tears.

You couldn’t see or feel the person behind you anymore, but Seungmin did, somewhat clearly.

The only thing that his mind made up that moment is that for the person to leave, they’d have to believe you two did know each other.

And Seungmin’s heart beated loudly in his chest when your grasp loosened and you stood back on your feet, allowing him to see how your lip trembled, how you were holding back tears and how you looked at him with a million emotions hidden in the colour of your eyes. He had never seen you cry before.

His hands itched to touch you again, a sudden need to comfort you that overwhelmed him.

So he did.

His hands cradled your cheeks, his thumbs brushing away your tears, and he pecked your lips softly, smiling at your baffled face. His arms engulfed you in a comforting hug that smelled so much like the jacket you were wearing.

He looked behind you, and the silhouette was nowhere to be found. As if it had never been there before.

“It’s ok.” Seungmin whispered in your ear. “I’m here now. You’re safe. They’re gone, yeah?” His arms rested on your shoulders as his slender hands stroked your hair. “No one’s gonna hurt you now, pretty.”

And you started to cry on his shoulder, because not only then you realized how bad you had needed a hug, and not even the fact that it had been a hug from him that you had secretly yearned for, but because none of your excuses made sense now.

There was no ‘fake’ or ‘real’ Seungmin.

Whatever he was, fake or not, stood in front of you as he hugged you under the streetlight.

And you sighed as he cooed at you softly, because deep down you had known for a while.

It was time you came to terms with it.

[☆★🌷★☆]

{ACT 3: WINDOWS, LETTERS AND POEMS}

Wednesday. 9:56 am. 14th February.

Most of your classmates were still arriving from their next class as you stared at two papers in your hands slightly from afar, pencil in your lips.

You had discarded most of your creations all Monday and Tuesday when you finally ended with a draft you liked for the stupid english homework. It was nothing out of the ordinary.

But the letter in your other hand, however, was something you had never done before.

“What’s that you got there?”

Any kind of bubbly and nervous emption you had vanished at the sound of that low voice.

“Fuck off, Li.” You grunted in a husky tone, frowning at him and grabbing back the letter from his hands.

“Is it a love letter for me?” He chuckled, ignoring your behaviour.

“Why the fuck would I write that, huh?” You laughed, a chuckle full of acid, one that had much more hatred that you had ever said before.

Henry brushed a hand through his hair, and you couldn’t help but think he looked stupid. You had liked this guy? Ugh.

“Because today is valentine’s day, shortcake.”

You squinted and frowned at him.

“Swishing those dyed and damaged locks like a Loreal advert won’t make anyone fall in love with you.” You snorted, and realized the people in the hallway had fallen into silence, listening to your conversation. “Or maybe it worked with that blond girl in the club?” You pretended to ponder out loud, leaning against the locker behind you, facing him with confidence.

“Wait, what?” He mumbled.

You snickered, taking him by surprise. “Oh, silly. I was never going to date you. I kept hearing that you were an ass and figured that was right, because aside from me, little to no people talked to you. I guess I just felt pityful.” You faked a pout.

He clenched his fists, his shoulders tense.

“You’re lying.” He grunted.

You chuckled. “You wish I was. That blond girl didn’t steal my man. She stole my problem.” You heard some gasps from the people in the corridor, as they had formed some kind of circle around you two.

But then, Henry snorted, and cleared his throat, talking with a much louder voice. “So you’re not going to let everyone know about you and Seungmin?” He smirked. “I feel like that’s a bit unfair. Making it seem like I’m the bad guy and all.”

You tried hard to make it seem like that hadn’t surprised you. You were so surprised by it that you didn’t have time to react when he yanked your letter from your hand.

“Such sweet words, all dedicated to him,” he mocked. “I think these people want to know.”

“Give it back!” You clenched your jaw, your eyes dull with embarassment.

Even if he wasn’t as tall as Seungmin, there was still a decent difference between you and him. And with a sly grin, he raised the paper above your head.

You licked your lips, anger filling your body.

“Give. It. Back.”

But then he started reading.

“I looked at him as if he were the Sun, in that I never looked at him except in frustration.” He read out loud, moving the paper from your reach everytime you tried to reach. “I seeked his warmth, I complained when he was gone, but I never looked, not until I noticed he was leaving, and in the beauty of the sunset, I wondered how I had never seen him before.”

You stared at the floor, a blush spreading through your cheeks, coming from your neck.

“And that’s basically what happened.” You mumbled to Abril and Lucas over at a bench in the school grounds, hours after that whole thing had happened.

“What?!” You flinched at Abril’s loud voice. “I’m going to kill him. I am so going to murder that nasty ass bitch.” She threatened to stand up, but Lucas grabbed her forearm.

“And what about Seungmin?” He questioned softly, a lot more gentle that what you usually would expect.

You felt heat rush to your cheeks.

“I haven’t spoken to him since Friday” You stared at him with a weakness you had never felt before. “It’s like he doesn’t want to talk to me, I…” you sighed. “I don’t know what to think anymore.” You sniffed.

You had to stay in the study room for the afternoon, waiting for Atenea to get out of the club she was in so you could head to the library together like you had promised, but as you studied in silence, someone sat in the chair in front of you, frowning at you.

You took your headphones off and scratched your eyes. “Eh… Hyunjin?”

“Abril told Lara and she told me,” he mentioned in a huff. “And I’ve known Seungmin for many years. He’s not an impulsive guy. He hasn’t treated anyone like how he treats you.”

You blinked, puzzled, but frowned at him. “Are you going to scold me?”

“You better believe I am!” He scoffed. “Would you like me to politely tell you that you’ve behaved like a total idiot around him?”

“What are you—?!”

“You simply never bothered to talk to Seungmin about any of what Lara told me!” He stated with force, and you didn’t think to tell him to shut up, considering that the study room was empty that time.

“Do you really expect me to understand whatever was happening and tell him right away?” You blurted out with anger, a bit shocked at his rough approach. “Had I had the opportunity I would have!

He rolled his eyes, passing a hand over his face in a sign of desperation.

“You had every opportunity! For months!” He left his hand on the table, and started tapping at it with force, trying to make a point. “Admit it. Seungmin has been in your head ever since we both changed from the other class and you two started bickering.” Hyunjin’s eyes stared at you with a fierce glare that almost threatened to pierce holes through your skull.

“That’s bullshit!” You spitted out defensively.

“Oh, spare me!” He brushed it off. “There have been countless clues! Your stupid need to make everything a competition when it comes to him is infuriating. He talks to me about these things, you know?” He swallowed, and you leaned back in surprise, but he kept on going. “How you look at him when you’re angry, or how you mock and tease him back. It’s stupid!” He cursed out loud. “And these last two weeks have only made it so much worse.”

“What do you mean, worse?” You pondered softly, slowly taking in Hyunjin’s dramatic act.

“I mean, you were totally smitten by how he ridiculously kissed you at the back of the bus last week, considering that you kissed him back.” He stated clearly. “And he wouldn’t shut up about it and how you were ignoring him after, which, great fucking work, by the way, the dude wouldn’t shut up about you.” Hyunjin blinked slowly, trying to recall and voice what he was thinking. “And then he lends you his jacket when a mystery debutant shows up.”

“A—a what?”

“Motherfucker, eh, that Henry asshole.” Hyunjin rubbed his eyes. “I had to endure him talking shit about him for an hour because he saw him texting you some weird shit with cringe emojis.” The exasperation on his tone rendered you almost speechless. “And even then he struggled to admit how fucking jealous he was about that guy. He had your attention. He had your smile. You looked at Henry, not at Seungmin, and ah, for fuck’s sake.” Hyunjin covered his face with his hands. “He felt so ridiculously powerless that he talked to me about it. He’s never done that before!”

You were only able to blink, struggling to grasp everything he was saying.

“And then, with no word of warning, you called him, at, what, like, one in the morning?” Hyunjin said in a huff, the thought of that bringing back his anger, making him stare at you with a frown again. “He, jesus, he talked for AGES about how you hugged him, and the fact that you were wearing his jacket, like— like you’re doing now, what the fuck.” He stopped mid-scolding, staring at you with confusion.

“It’s… it’s his?”

Hyunjin’s eyes widened slightly as he nodded. “What, you didn’t know? You helped him with tecnical drawing, he gave you his jacket, bla bla bla. That whole thing?”

You blushed, shaking your head sideways. You had done what?

“Nevermind. You can talk to him about that later.”

It was your turn to scoff now. “Judging by the fact that he sent you, I don’t think he would like to see me anytime soon.”

Hyunjin chuckled dryly.

“Don’t you even dare keep ignoring him. This stupid game has lasted for too long. Besides, he doesn’t know I’m here. He thinks I’m in dance practice, but whatever. You needed to know, because he’s a mess.” Hyunjin stated, passing a hand through his hair. “He can’t sleep well, he can’t concentrate, he can’t do anything.”

It looked like the scolding was over, but there was a remaining anger that came back to him as a memory struck.

“And, moreover, you callously ignored the letter Seungmin wrote you, even though he told you he loved you!”

You were looking at your notebook on the table, halfly staring at your nails and fidgeting with them, but your head almost snapped when you stared at him.

“What letter?” You muttered, your eyes locked on his. He frowned, his eyes slightly widening.

Your heart started beating faster, almost so loud you could hear it in your head.

“Hyunjin, what letter?!”

[☆★🌷★☆]

Seungmin felt his lungs on fire.

Run, run, run.

His feet were hurting, because his old ass shoes were busted enough that their insides were almost destroyed from everyday use.

But he needed to find you.

Maybe it was because it was Valentine’s day, despite the obvious influence that a certain friend of yours had done.

“Wait, you— you missed school this morning?” Lucas had muttered with a puzzled look, eyes wide.

“I had to go to the dentist to take my braces off. Yeah.” Seungmin stated again. “So whatever you meant by ‘being an ignoring bitch this morning’, I know nothing about it.”

And then someone next to them had chimed in. “You’re talking about Henry and what happened this morning with—“

“Yeah. Why?” Seungmin had interrupted, frowning slightly.

“There’s a video of it.”

Run, run, run.

The look in your eyes when you spoke with Henry. Your smug smile when you caught him by surprise.

Your poem.

His eyes had widened when Henry started reading it in the video.

Was it…?

Could it…?

Could it really be for him?

He wanted needed to find out.

He needed to find you.

“Watch where you’re going!” A man grunted at him, and Seungmin quickly apologized, running off.

Run, run, run.

He knew where you lived just because of Friday, when you had asked him if he could head towards your house with you, still a bit scared from what had happened. He accepted in a heartbeat, reassuring you that it was fine with a million smiles.

His hand had never left yours. Your touch, colder than his, had something so adicting to it that he didn’t want to let go.

Time seemed to pass slowlier when he recognized your neighbourhood. He was about to ring on your floor, but then, your silhouette got out of the elevators, and you both blinked at each other, staring through the glass door.

You opened it slowly, approaching him.

The look in your eyes was different than what Seungmin was used to.

It wasn’t similar to how you had looked at him ever since the school year started, with a shimmer of anger that turned your cheeks pink. Or how you had looked at him that afternoon in the back of the school bus, pupils dark and lips red and slightly swollen from kissing. Or how your eyes glowed in hope and comfort that Friday night.

It was different. He wanted to savour it. He wanted to see every detail of it.

He walked towards you and cradled your face in his hands.

“Wait.” He muttered in a whisper, taking off his glasses in a movement that to you felt almost enticing.

“What is it?” You whispered back.

He blinked at you as he cleaned his glasses with the hem of his shirt.

“You’re fucking blurry.” He snickered softly, with a sheepish smile that tinted his cheeks pink.

You giggled.

He settled his glasses back in place, and smiled when your image made sense before him.

“Better.” He muttered.

“Seungmin, I—“

But you stopped speaking when his lips crashed against yours.

There it was. He tasted sweet like how hot chocolate tastes in a rainy day. You smiled at your discovery, wanting to taste it for hours.

He wanted to kiss you for days to come, even if there was a million things left for both of you to say.

“I’m sorry.” Kiss. “I wasn’t in school this morning.” Kiss. “But I saw a video of it.” Kiss. “And I needed to—“

You giggled, taking his glasses and settling them on the top of his head.

“We can do the talking later.” You smiled, your cheeks red as your hands grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

“Are you sure?” He gulped, blushing too as he mumbled.

“Yeah.” You smiled even more. “I’d rather do the kissing now.”

You'd never know what happened with his letter. But considering where that had lead you, maybe it wasn't totally bad that the wind had carried it out the window.

[☆★🌷★☆]

~Kats, who, believe it or not, took the text argument in the beginning from an old school groupchat (yes i was the target akbdksbdks idk why lol, but no, i did not have an enemies2lovers :( lmao)

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!

TAGGING! (oh wow) @that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick @deadcrow-donteat @obyyyy @euphoric-univers @aslou @19marka @daisyjihannie @im-loco66 @coolbabydumplings @amarecerasus @sharonxdevi @han-to-my-minho @abbiespooks @moon0fthenight @koala-wonderland @hecrtful @hheesungsung @vampcharxter @kpopandblunts @daisy-dont-play @skz-lover21 @skyl1nninie @lunathewonyoungstan @5starlee @pchyyhoe @4ln-stay8 @michelle4eve (bolded and/or purple means it won’t let me tag you, pookies! please check your blog’s privacy settings <3)

[smoooothoperator]

untouchable

13: Little Life

Lando Norris x OC (Violet Sinclair)

same group friend, unrequited love, acquittances to lovers, ski trip, love triangle, life as lovers

Words: 4.1k

Warnings: a lot of fluff

a/n: any guesses of what was the gifts Lando gave her?? just a miracle I had any ideas of what to write bc i'm sick lol :)

Masterlist

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Every way of feedback is very welcomed

Never in my life I imagined I would be that nervous. I wasn't nervous during my graduation from college, nor during my job interview where I had to translate a really complicated text. I was nervous the last time I had to face my ex, that man that tried to force me on my birthday. But it wasn't the same nervous feeling as the one I have right now.

Waking up on Christmas Day felt different. As a kid, the first thing you do is run out of bed and go to the living room to open all the gifts under the tree. 

But now,  waking up next to him, felt different. Today I was going to his parents house, with gifts for them in our hands.

“Morning” he whispered, burying his face in the space between my neck and shoulder, pressing a soft kiss in my skin. “Merry Christmas”

“Merry Christmas” I smiled, moving closer to him. “I have a present for you”

“I have one for you too” he whispered. “I left it under the tree”

I giggled softly and looked at him, cupping his cheek with my hand and kissing his lips softly. 

“You are the first guy that slept in this bed” I confessed. “I never imagined I would say something like that to you”

“Why?” he smiled weakly, brushing the hair out of my face.

“Well… As you may remember, I moved to this apartment a year ago, after the incident…” I sighed. “And since that I never felt comfortable around anyone except for Harry”

“Owen…” he sighed and somehow I flinched after hearing his name after a long time, making him wrap his arms around me tighter. “Look, I know sleeping in the same bed as someone else is already hard. But… I just don't want to force you, okay?”

“I mean… I already gave you head, silly” I whisper. “I feel really comfortable with you, I swear”

“I'm glad to hear that” he smiled, kissing my forehead. “Just know that I would never ever force myself into you. Never”

I looked up at him and smiled, pecking his lips softly. I just wanted to show him how much he means everything he's doing for me, how grateful I feel for the love he gives me, and how easy he makes me to love him.

“Let's go open the presents” I whisper, sitting on the bed and stretching my arms, feeling his hand running all over my back.

I smiled and looked at him, kissing him again and again before getting up. I put on my joggers and his hoodie and tied up my hair in a messy bun, waiting for him to get out of the bed. 

This felt good. Sleeping with him felt good, having breakfast together felt good. Somehow, being with him all the time felt good, and I don't want to complain about it.

We sat in front of the tree, looking at the bags. Max and Pietra left their gifts for us there, so there were three presents for each one.

“Open mine the last” he said, making me look at him and frown. “Come on! Trust me!”

I sigh and smile softly, leaving the bag with his name next to me and opening the other two with Max's and Pietra's names on it. Pietra gifted me a book nook to put on my shelves and a bag, Max gifted me a reading journal and a book I was looking after about legends and myths. 

“Am I that obvious?” I laughed looking at the presents.

“I think your collection of one specific book and your office are a clear example that you love books” he smiled.

“Harry hated that I spent money on buying books” I sighed. “He always said that I should buy something like a Kindle to carry it with me”

“You know the answer to what I think about him” he sighed. “He always said shit like that to everyone, saying that he doesn't spend much money, that he only buys what he thinks he needs. At this point I think he's a narcissist and an egoist, always talking about himself and how good he does things”

I smiled weakly and nodded. I didn't tell him that I saw him yesterday while doing groceries. And I think I won't tell him, yet 

“Open mine” he smiled excitedly, looking at me.

“What, you want me to say that it's the best gift?” I smirked looking at him, watching how he was looking at me with happiness in his eyes.

“Oh, I think I know it will be the best one” he joked. “And I have to admit that it's has its merit because I had the idea for it yesterday”

I look at him and shake my head, smiling while I open the bag. There was an envelope and something more wrapped with paper.

“Open the wrapped one” he said, resting his head on his hand. 

I frown and grab it, shaking it a little. It sounded exactly like the box of a videogame. I looked at him and rolled my eyes playfully when he wiggled his eyebrows, making me chuckle softly. I tears off the paper, laughing when I saw two blue boxes of a videogame for the PlayStation.

“What? What is this?” I frown looking at the two games. “Assassin's Creed Origins and Odyssey… Oh! Are those games about Greece and Egypt?”

“Correct” he nodded. “Open the Origins one”

I looked at him and smiled, watching that the box didn't have the security plastic. I bite my lip and open it, frowning when I didn't see the CD of the game itself but a few papers folded.

“What…?” I frown, unfolding the papers and gasping when I read what was on them. “No way. Lando! Are you crazy?!”

“Now open the Odyssey one” he chuckled, excited to see my reaction.

“You are insane” I mumbled, opening the other box and finding the same things I saw in the other one. “Lando…”

“I have a lot of free time” he said, grabbing the envelope and placing it in my hand. “And you will too, because I know you can work at distance, that you can translate things without going to the museum because that's what you did while we were on the snow trip”

“But Lando, this… God, this is too much” I said looking at the papers, smiling weakly when I read what was inside the envelope.

“I made you smile, that's the most important thing, Violet” he smiled holding my hand. 

“You are crazy” I smile softly, feeling tears in my eyes. “God, you are making me cry! This… this touched me a lot. No one did something like this for me”

“I hope you are crying of happiness” he said, pulling me to him, bringing me to his lap and wrapping his arms around me. “I will do anything to make you happy, Violet. I swear. The money is not important at all, I have enough of it, it's not a problem”

“But my gift is really insignificant compared to this” I sighed.

“I don't care” he whispered. “Besides, this is something I will enjoy too and you will help me enjoy it more”

I smile and kiss his cheek softly, peppering kisses over his jaw and cheek until I touch his lips. The last few days I discovered myself longing for his kisses, to have his lips pressed on my, to feel his lips peppering kisses over my cheek, forehead, shoulder or temple. Kissing him is like a new drug I never want to leave.

“You are amazing” I whisper against his lips.

“I'm just trying to be enough for you” he said. “To be what you deserve”

“You are enough” I whisper.

He smiled and broke the kiss, kissing the tip of my nose before grabbing the bag with the gift I made for him. He opened and smiled, looking at the two boxes inside of it.

“Oh! You noticed” he smiled when he saw the box with his favorite perfume. 

“You left the bottle in my room this morning” I said. “I saw that it barely had liquid so I just wanted to get you a new one. And I love the smell of this perfume. I love smelling my this scent in the pillow when you leave, or bury my nose in the neck of this hoodie and smell you”

“Thank you” he smiled, kissing my cheek softly. He opened the other box and smiled, looking at the necklace on it. “At this point I'll only have jewelry you gifted me”

“I would gladly do that” I chuckled. “Do you use rings?”

“I mean… Not all the time” he smiled. “I forget to put them back once I take them off”

“Mhm” I nodded, biting my lip. “Okay”

“Why?”

“Oh, just wondering” I smiled.

We stayed like this for a while, in each other's embrace sitting on the floor, surrounded by presents and broken papers. His hands placed on my back held me tight to him, his thumbs drawing abstract figures over my skin made me relax, his chin resting on the crook of my neck with his breathing in my skin, were the best thing I could feel. 

Until now, I never realized that with him I felt safe. Not only now that I'm giving up and letting my walls down for him and that I can finally see how things truly are since I knew how Harry was, but since the first time I saw him. He always looked at me with a soft gaze that now made me regret thinking all those things about him just because Harry said that he was bad news. He always took care of me from the distance, giving me reasons to smile only by sending me books or gifts. He always asked me how I was doing even if he knew that I didn't want to be around him. He was always there for me even if I never noticed.

“Let's make breakfast” I whisper, rubbing his back.

“Okay”

I got up, immediately missing his warmth, and walked to the kitchen to make us something for breakfast. He followed me like a lost puppy, helping me with everything and trying to steal moments to hug me while the pancakes were on the pan.

“You are so clingy” I whispered, placing my free hand on top of his.

“You never complained” he laughed, kissing my cheek.

“And I'll never do it”

Having him here felt good. Being this domestic with bim felt good. Being with him feels good.

We had breakfast in silence, reading things on our phones, showing memes to each other. And the moment I washed the dishes, my mind realized that the next place I will go is to his parents house. And somehow, I started to panic.

“Lando?” I called him. 

“Yeah?” he smiled walking towards me. “Hey, you okay?”

“I… I'm going to your parents house” I said looking at him. “Like… I mean, I know them. I met them during your races and that. But… this is a completely different situation! I'm going there for Christmas”

“Yeah, so what?” he frowned, confused. 

“You are bringing a girl!” I said. “A-and, well…”

“We're a soon to be couple, right?” he said, holding my hands. “It's completely fine, I promise. They knew about my feelings towards you, and somehow I told them that we have been working on it since the ski trip. It's okay, Violet. Really. Don't worry about it”

“But then I have to make a good impression, Lando” I said. “Like… What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm not enough?”

“Hey” he smiled, cupping my cheeks. “They love you, yeah? Everything will be okay. Take a deep breath”

I sigh and nod, looking at him. In my previous relationships, meeting the parents was hard. They all had something bad to say about me: I wasn't as skinny as they would have liked, his ex was better, I don't have enough status for him. I know Lando's parents, I met them a few times as well as his siblings, but somehow it didn't feel the same as now meeting them as someone that is more than a friend for Lando. What am I supposed to answer when they ask what we are? We're not a couple, I don't want to rush things. We are friends, yeah, but friends that sleep together in the same bed and act like a couple all the hours of the day. 

“It will be okay” he said, kissing my forehead. “And now, go get dressed”

I sighed and nodded, going to my bedroom followed by him and we got changed. I felt his eyes on my back while I took off my clothes, making me blush. He never saw me fully naked, only in a bikini, neither  that last day in the snow when we thought we were going to have sex. 

“I'll turn around if you feel uncomfortable” Lando said when he saw I stopped undressing myself. 

“Stop being perfect” I joked when his back was facing me, throwing him the shirt I was wearing, actually his shirt. “You can look”

“I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Violet” he said. 

I smiled and walked towards him, hugging him. I pressed my body into his back, my hands on his abdomen. I trust him, I really do. 

And I love him for that.

I felt him take a deep breath when he noticed that I wasn't wearing a bra and kissed his shoulder. He relaxed in my arms, letting out the breath he was holding. 

“I know I'm not perfect” I whispered. “That I don't go to the gym and have a healthy diet, that I'm not fit like a model. I know that I don't have a body worthy of a fashion show. But I am how I am”

“Don't change” he said. “Never change. I love you how you are. You are perfect, Violet. I don't care if you are not a model. In my eyes, you are a goddess, can't you see?”

I smile and unwrap my arms from his body, letting him turn around and not caring when his eyes look at my body, scanning every curve of my anatomy.

“You are perfect” he smiled, placing his hands on my waist and pulling me closer to him. 

I smile and wrap my arms around his neck, closing my eyes and letting him hold me. I know this is not the moment, this is not the time to have our first time, but the fact that I took a step forward to start this relationship, made me happy.

“You are my favorite person, Violet” he whispered.

“And you are mine” I whisper back. 

And somehow, that felt like saying that I love him.

Going to my parents house was a road trip of two hours and a half. Two hours of driving my car with Violet next to me, letting me hold her hand or place my hand on her thigh.

Taking her to my parents house was something I always wanted to do. They knew about my feelings for her since the moment I realized I had them, and now that she is finally with me, I just wanted to introduce her to them.

We are not a couple yet, and I don't know when I will ask her to be mine. But what we have right now is perfect, I don't need anything else.

The present I gave her was something I knew she would love. She only travels when she's invited to our trips, she always said that it's her first time in a place when we arrive there. And I wanted to change it. I want to show her the world, to make her see in real life all the art she studies, to let her see in real life that thing she only sees in museums or on the internet.

“What did you buy for your family?” she asked me.

“Correct, we bought” I smirked “For my parents and Savannah and Oliver, one of those SmartBox for a spa weekend. For my younger sister a set of jewelry and for my sister Flo a new helmet that will have the same design of the one I'll have next year”

“Oh! That's nice!” she smiled. “I bought Athena and Mila some things from the store of the museum like a book with drawings of the paintings and then some little toys for them”

“See? You do the job of auntie pretty well, hm?” I joked, making her doll her eyes and laugh softly. “I'm serious!”

“You are lucky I love Mila and Athena” she said, and somehow when she started talking I had a little heart attack.

I told her that I love her, I never stop telling her. And it's not that I want to hear it immediately, but the way she acts around me makes me think that she in fact has those type of feelings for me. 

But… is this fair? I planned everything, I wanted to confess my feelings during the trip, but I never expected it to turn out the way it did. I never expected it to work, to have her with me in my car or sleep with her in her bed, to kiss her whenever I wanted and hold her in my arms. Somehow, this felt like a dream. Too good to be true. But if this was a dream I don't want to wake up, never.

When I parked the car next to my brother's I looked at her, holding her hand.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

“Yeah… I think so, yeah” she nodded. “Do they know that I'm going?”

“Oh yeah” I nodded. “My mom even made your favorite dish”

“Really? No way!” she gasped. 

I chuckled and nodded, opening the door and going to the back of her car to grab the bags of the presents. She helped me, holding the smaller bags with one hand.

“Let's go” I smiled, kissing her temple.

She was perfect. The moment we walked inside the house and she took a deep breath, I could feel how she immediately relaxed. My mother welcomed us, and the moment she saw Violet next to me, her smile grew wider.

“Oh, Violet! It's so nice to see you” she smiled, hugging her, winking at me.

“Merry Christmas” she smiled, hugging her back.

I walked towards them and smiled, watching how my mom unwrapped her arms from Violet and imme hugged me.

“You deserve this” she whispered. “My good boy”

I chuckled softly and kissed her cheek, hugging her tightly. My sisters and dad came towards us and we all went to the living room, where my brother was already with his wife and his kids.

“Oh, hey!” Oliver smiled, standing up with Athena in his arms.

“Baby Athena!” I heard Violet giggle, talking with the high pitched voice she always used when she was around my nieces. “Hello, baby girl!”

I smiled when Oliver looked at me surprised, letting Violet hold his younger daughter. I smile hugging him, patting his back and pulling away just to look at Violet holding Athena close to her.

God, is it too soon to talk about babies? It is, right?

My family welcomed her as she has been here since forever, and I was so grateful for that. My sisters included her in their conversations, even my mom let her help clean the dishes instead of making her stay sitting like she was a special guest. And watching her getting involved with them, filing and talking with them, made me fall even harder for her.

“I really think she's the one” I told Oliver, sitting on the couch, watching how Violet played with Mila and Athena. “Every fight and argument with Harry were worth it. I fought for her”

“And I'm so proud of you for never giving up on her” he smiled. “When are you going to ask her to be your girlfriend?”

“O-oh, well…” I smile, biting my lip, grabbing my phone and showing him my screen. “I kinda have it planned”

“Of course you do” he laughed softly, hitting my arm. 

I smiled looking again at Violet, getting up and walking towards her when she smiled at me, sitting on the floor next to her and playing with Mila.

She's the love of my life. I would do anything to make her happy.

We spent the rest of the day with his family, and it felt good, amazing. The way they welcomed me and never judged me was so heartwhelming.

Athena and Mila insisted on being around me. The older little girl held my hand all the time, leading me wherever she wanted to go with her, showing me all her toys and books her parents brought, making me sit on the floor with her between my legs.

I liked this. I liked being treated this way, like another one of the family.

Lando's sisters talked with me like we were friends. Savannah trusted me enough to hold her daughters and have her younger one sleeping in my arms. Lando's mom asked about my work and studies like a mother, getting interested in whatever I said. Even his dad and brother got in the conversation, asking about my job in the museum and when they can go to visit me.

Is this how it feels being in a healthy family? One that doesn’t judge you, that thinks they know what's better for you?

“Well, I think we should go back to London” Lando said, looking at his wrist watch, stretching his arms and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

“Oh! Why don't you stay the night?” his mom said with a big smile, clapping her hands happily. “In that way you two can rest and go back there in the morning”

“Mom, she has to work tomorrow…” he smiled weakly looking at me.

“It's okay” I said smiling, placing my hand on Lando's knee. “We can stay”

“Are you sure?” he whispered looking at me.

“Mhm, yeah” I smiled, kissing the tip of his nose.

“Okay, then” his mom smiled. “Lando's room is clean and the bed is made too. You can sleep there”

I smile and nod, leaning on him and wrapping my arm around his torso. I relaxed in his arms, taking a deep breath and looking at the fire dancing in the fireplace. His fingers played with my hair softly, making me cuddle him and rest my head on his chest.

“Do you want to go to bed?” he whispered, kissing the top of my head and I nodded my head.

He got up and held my hand, pulling me to him. We hugged his parents and siblings good night and then walked towards his room.

“This is my childhood room” he laughed softly. “Obviously reformed”

I chuckled and looked around while he grabbed a shirt for me to sleep on it. He walked towards me, wrapping his arms around my abdomen, pulling me close to him.

“Today was perfect” I smiled, turning around to wrap my arms around his neck. “Thank you”

“I’m glad” he whispered, leaning closer to mez resting his forehead against mine. “Because this, Violet…This is what I want for you, for us. A healthy environment, a healthy family. People that support you and won't judge you”

I smiled and nodded, kissing him softly, holding him tightly against me. We got undressed slowly, taking off our clothes and leaving them on the floor, not wanting to pull away.

“I don't think it's a good idea doing this with my parents around” he whispered, taking a deep breath when we stood naked in the middle of his room, only wearing underwear.

“Then we won't do it” I whisper. “But we can just get in the bed, feel each other's body and kiss, right?”

“Oh yeah, please” he chuckled, jumping on the bed and opening his arms for me. “Come here”

“Silly” I chuckled, crawling towards him and kissing his lips, feeling his hands over my body and pulling me close to him.

violetsinclair

liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell, pietra.pilao, savnorris and 698 others

violetsinclair I think I like this little life🧡

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pietra.pilao that little life suits you very well

violetsinclair I think so, yeah🥰🧡

landonorris

liked by maxfewtrell, pietra.pilao, oscarpiastri and 258.735 others

landonorris This little life

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maxfewtrell I think Athena has a new favorite person

landonorris for once I don't mind

oscarpiastri when are you bringing her to the garage?👀

landonorris who? Athena? She's too young for that😌

taglist

@elisysd @racinggirl @ninifee1802 @kakorrhaphiphobia @landoyesrizz @lorarri @bellwhysomean @leptitlu @aphroditeisamilf @brekkers-whore @copper-boom @sideboobrry11 @alltoomaples @f1madison @elijahslover @silkenthusiasts @chonkybonky @summerslike11 @randomgirlnumber-13 @is-just-a @whentheautumnleavesfall @malynn @mycenterfold @barackosteaa @izzy-marvel @ssprayberrythings @ophcelia

[remedyturtles]

out of curiosity, are you an only child? I'm one of four brothers (aged 2-26) and have multiple estranged half siblings, and I've always found the way you write familial interactions between the brothers to be just. incredibly realistic and raw

Especially between Leo and Donnie - their interactions in your writing will occasionally (bar the codependency...) parallel interactions between my older brother and I to a T and it's. so touching

If you are an only child, what goes into writing familial interactions for you?

If not, do you have any specific memories or experiences of your own that you melt into interactions between the brothers?

Your writing brings me so much comfort and makes me love my brothers just a little harder

LMAO definitely NOT an only child hahahaha. i have an older sister and an older brother, then two bonus brothers

hmm! experiences... let's see. under a cut bc you got me rambling abt my family LMAO

our family groupchat is titled 'live and don't learn that's us'

once my brother drove over 12 hours all night to come rescue my sister and i after our car broke down during a road trip and the only payment he took was pizza

i still have an envelope that my brother slid under my door after a fight with other family that says on the top 'I HEARD YOU WERE UPSET BUT BIG BROTHER STILL LOVES YOU'

at my high school graduation, my brother took a very expensive trip home for two days just to walk me down the aisle. i did a speech and wasn't nervous at all bc every SINGLE time i looked out at the crowd he was looking at me with the fucking BIGGEST smile on his face

after my sister moved out and went to university she called me every single day

there was a girl that was going after my brother against his wishes and my sister picked up the phone when she called and threatened her so hard that she never talked to my brother again and like ten years later he was like 'yeah she just gave up one day idk what happened' and we were like 'um sister happened' and he was like 'WAIT WHAT' LMAO

for years me and bonus brother #1 would steal sister's phone and make her background a selfie of us and she never changed it and even one year was like 'hey the selfie is super old can you guys take a new one'

i also have a photo saved on my phone after bonus brother #1 got out of a surgery legit in his hospital bed with the caption 'i lived bitch'

i have been wearing a jean jacket i stole from bonus brother #2 for years and last time he saw me i was wearing it and he did not even remember it was his anymore

every snapchat i've taken of bonus brother #2 is captioned with 'bitch'

last christmas we did powerpoint presentations over discord. sister assigned everyone roles in star wars. brother provided a satirical how-to on home maintenance. bonus brother #1 talked about magic the gathering.

i didn't take many pictures but i do have this moment from sister's that made me laugh out loud:

then another badly taken picture from brother's:

i know what you're wondering now. rem, what did you do your presentation on?

cue groans from my entire family. except, wait....

the only use i've gotten out of my bachelor's degree LMAO

anyway if you got this far, the point is that i am definitely NOT an only child lol. we have issues too of course but they're pretty cool

[kroosluvr]

hi!! as a fellow royal trio-truther ive been ADORING and loving your posts so much <3 you mentioned that you've like mentally re-wired shusumi so i was curious if you had a list of head-canons for how they develop in the game/post-game!! Im super curious to hear (: also any head-canons for the akesumi dynamic would be great bc I hate how little the game developed them together !!!

OMGGGGGGGGG HAYYYYYYYYYY ok so. first. look at this (idr if i posted this here already but if i did look again heh..)

ok now ill actually talk under the cut

note that some of this is headcanon territory bc i just be frolicking at this point

some backstory i fell in love w sumi as soon as her art was revealed i was like omfg peak design PEAKKKKKK i love her so much so i was really excited abt her but i feel like there were so many loose ends w her confidant and namely her crush on protag sometimes doing her a disservice (it turned ppl off from her (understandable bc i also dislike when writers make a female character out to be dependent on a male character) but also made other ppl weird abt her in the same breath....... shivers. people who overly-romanticize/sexualize mentally ill characters (especially girls/women) freak me out sorry

anyway that put me off frm p5 fandom for a hot minute. BUT regardless. i think people often focus on like "shy cute sadgirl kouhai crush-on-protag" for her which on top of atlus's.......mediocre handling of her also does her character a disservice... shes so multilayered!! she houses such insane convoluted levels of distress and fear and anger and reluctance and most of all STUBBORNNESS. i think her headstrong personality is not really emphasized in fandom but i can totally see it (maybe its just me but).

ok moving on to my shsm delusions i think to turn sumire's canon crush on its head i want to make them doomed to never get together. i think 3rd semester is so tense and high-emotion that royal trio are so deeply intertwined w each other:

like they all are mildly-to-a-lot suicidal so they hold onto each other so tightly to make sure none of them spirals and does anything bad. i think in the end they just want the other two to be Okay, even if they themself doesn't. if the other two are ok, then it's all good.

ok back to shsm LMAO i think seeing their relationship as like an odd high-emotion situation makes sense. they love each other, obviously, and provide each other comfort, but the idea of a relationship slips thru their fingers like water. is that right...? is that how it is? like i said up there they just crumble under the weight of their own love. tldr theyre in no place to "date" each other........ but they have their "almost." they're inseparable, they love spending time with each other, but knowing in the back of their heads that it won't last, and they'll have to leave it be one day. "sometimes when i really love someone i leave them alone forever." peak shsm to me. "let's run away together - but what if it's not enough? what if all of this fear and sadness still stays? i take a man down to the river and he throws away his sadness but hes still left with his hands, he's still left with the river (paraphrased richard siken). peak shsm to me. i think they try to treat eachother so softly and gently that it fucks it all up, actually. peak shsm to me. it's not codependency in the sense that theyre not trying to save each other - they're just trying to salvage out some love from it all. all of these terrible things that happened: there's still love, right? there's still love. but the pain can't all be sifted out, and everything still hurts. but they still love. (they just don't date or even talk to each other much after graduating and i think they talk to akechi but to each other its suddenly COMPLICATED. i hate these guys)

ironically i think if you throw akechi in the mix it stabilizes out and i think shuakesumi could totally have a happy married ending. but shsm as a pair i dont see endgame for them. peak for me is that theyre in love and then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget each other (they don't)

(If this sounds ridiculous and stupid im sorry. i just like shoving too-many-emotions onto my favs sometimes (a lot of the time))

IN REGARDS TO AKESUMI i think my latest 2 comics describe how i feel abt them pretty well!!! link 1 and link 2. actually i think akesumi's friendship is a great way for me to explore how i see/portray/feel about sumire, because i see them as way more similar than the game pays attention to. they're both stuck in their ways: sumire in her cowardice, hiding from the incident and refusing to move on, and akechi entrenched in his own traumas and feeling like he doesn't deserve more than that. their self-hatred manifests in two opposite ways but its very similar at the core. they both like. have no fucking clue what they're doing in terms of handling their pasts so that's why i think them working together to get around their own respective traumas is so fascinating: akechi is terrible at it, pushing sumire too far, but at the same time that perspective is something that she needs. meanwhile, her sensitive and observant personality shows akechi that like, you can have This too: a soft, good love. to have someone care about you unconditionally, so gently. you deserve that, too. yeah i can explode my head off now

i did not proofread this.

[hanrinz]

Hello! Hope you’re doing well. <33 On requests, I’m hoping for some Shinsou dating headcanons or maybe on S/O being rivals to lovers with him. Idk, but hope it can give an idea :))

✰ ˖ DATING SHINSOU HITOSHI . . . !

content: fluff! a little ooc shinsou, friends to lovers (bc it's cute), reader is chaotic, and maybe this is a little self indulgent

notes: omgg anon!! i love the idea, maybe i'll write the rivals to lovers in a different post, but for now i really like the idea of dating shinsou hc!! oh and also i'm doing well anon, ty for asking !

dating the shinsou hitoshi might be the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to you in attending UA

if someone ever told your first year self that you're dating the purple haired guy, you would have laughed at their face

well, jokes on you

you've been together for two years, and happily spending your days training as a hero! y'all already in third year and closer to graduating, it was definitely not an easy journey but you made it!

you've been each other's person back before you've even got together

he has a habit of bringing you your favorite coffee every morning & the time he had forgotten to make you one, the both of you shared his

or if you don't like coffee he probably brings you something to eat.

probably has that day where the two of you would talk shit of someone who has wronged the both of you (they deserved it)

most of the time you do your homework together, but you kind of get distracted.. so as much as you really like spending time with him, studying separately was more ideal

one time you took him to an amusement park on your second date, and you really had fun, maybe minus the part where the whole class followed y'all (they were like the paparazzi, they even made an effort to put on a disguise)

forehead kisses!! lots of forehead kisses, like before you go to class he'll never forget to give you a forehead kiss and you would kiss him on the cheeks!

it took him at least two months before he got used to the physical touch, very clingy when he got used to it!

he sleeps on your lap! he said it was so comfortable and your thighs were like pillows??

he writes you poems omg, like he sends it at midnight, when he can't sleep. he's very sweet😭 please hug him

there was one time where he sneaked into your room at night, just because he wanted to kiss you, y'all got caught by aizawa midway. mans never got that kiss that night

would always hold your hand randomly, just to feel if you're really here beside him :(

he loves cats, he does! but you were on a different level in liking them. he has to physically stop you from petting every stray cat you see. he's very worried you might just die from rabies before you even become a hero😟

he's a little spoon! idc what other ppl say, i rest my case, your honor.

takes candid photos of you, he has an album of them with little notes written in it. "the most beautiful person to exist" or "mine" <3 STOPWBHSJH

literally the best in comforting!!

surprisingly, knows how to style a hair🤨 i mean he babysits eri so.. like he's so good!

speaking of eri!! y'all always take her outside to enjoy! would always have that 'y/n, shinsou & eri day!'

when y'all become pro-heroes and took eri for a picnic, ppl would always mistake you for a family (don't y'all look a little too young for a family?)

a lot of ppl support your relationship, lowkey but not a secret<33

[just-a-shark333]

I have so many kunikatai headcanons so I thought I'd share them!

-they met in middle school

-started dating first year of high-school

-got married(illegally, kunikidas idea) in the autumn following graduation

-it was a very small wedding, consisting of the two of their parents, and a few friends from school

-it was in katais favorite Cafe, a very small place that not many people know about

-they don't live together for safety reasons

-only yosano, ranpo, and fukuzawa know

-kunikida doesn't often wear his wedding ring in fear if it getting damaged

-sometimes katai will force him to play various video games with him

-kunikida really likes stardew valley and similar games

-kunikida let's katai braid his hair sometimes

-katai sucked at first but he's surprisingly good now

-T4t kunitai

-kunikida had a 'rebellious phase' type thing in high school

-and a short emo phase in middle school

-his teachers liked him for being a smart student but hated how often he got in trouble

-he would beat up anyone who made fun of katai

-katai would always tell him not to bother doing that but would absolutely do the same if anyone made fun of kuni

-kunikida helps katai cut his hair

-katai visits the agency one day and ends up telling everyone about kunikidas high school years

-everyone is absolutely shocked (minus ranpo ofc)

-kuni frequently gets kicked out of libraries for arguing with the librarians over how the books are arranged

-They meet at the school nurses office!!-katai had a very bad panic attack and kuni got into a pretty bad fight

-school nurses kinda suck tbh so kuni helps katai with his panic attack

-they become good friends after that

-or they could meet in a school counselors office for the same reasons

-they'd probably bond the same way too bc school counselors suck more than school nurses(Like seriously though, once my old school counselor told me that I was being selfish/a selfish person for being suicidal)

-kunikida is totally the type of guy to just throw random compliments into any sentence he can

-katai let's kunikida sit under his futon with him

-pillow forts!!!!!!

-autistic kunikida

-katai does his best to help

-like, talking for him as best he can when kuni goes nonverbal

-and offering him looser clothes when his feel bad

-MOVIE DATES!!!!

-And arcade dates!!

-Kunikida frequently has to drag Katai away from those because he keeps destroying little kids in games

-Dazai and Chuuya were on an arcade date of their own and ran into them once

-it turned into a double date where Katai tried to beat Dazai at every game possible and the other two just watched and cheered a lil

-katai hates pda

-kunikida also doesn't like it much, he thinks it's weird and unprofessional

-they cuddle a lot at home tho

-they both confessed at the same time

-kunikida said that he had something very important to tell katai

-katai said that before that he had something to give kunikida and hands him a letter

-kuni reads the love letter and is just like.."i...I was going to say the same thing.." and looks away blushing

-kunikida proposed

-he took katai out to a very small Cafe that hardly anyone knew about

-they ordered food and talked a bit and once katai got comfortable being there he proposed

-katai obviously said yes

-they got married (illegally) a few months later

-Katai said that he loved kuni first

-kunikida would have said it but he got too nervous about making katai uncomfortable

-katai didn't mean to say it but it accidentally slipped out

-Katai has social anxiety

-Kunikida helps as best he can, bringing Katai things so he doesn't have to go out and talk to people as much

-He still forces katai outside

-They go on walks every evening or so

-Kunikida does most of the cooking

-Katais not bad at cooking, but he just doesn't

-They lay in bed and listen to music together

-When kunikida was a teacher Katai would stop by and bring him lunch after his missions sometimes

-Kunikida taught advanced middle schoolers algebra and paet timed at the agency after

-his students were shocked when they found out

-Kunikida got arrested for protesting and breaking off those spikes cities put up to prevent homeless people from sleeping a lot

-Katai bailed him out every time

-Kuni became pretty decent friends with a couple of other people who frequently got arrested for similar things and some of the cops who repeatedly arrested him

I probably have more but that's all I can think of right now!

[aphroditesmoon]

hello love! first of all, don't forget to take care of yourself and take your time! good luck! secondly, if you're not too busy, can you please write some hcs about xavier x reader where they are newlyweds? i can't help but think this concept is so cute.. and we all need some fluff, i guess. i absolutely can see them being still young and not planning to start a real family yet but they've got married a month or 2 ago bc why not, we want to spend eternity together anyway. and they're sooo excited about it? like wow we're actually married?? Mr. and Mrs. Thorpe?? ik modern married life (esp newlyweds) may be not so different from just relationship but it feels much more domestic for me? more warm and even loving? you can disagree with me and it's absolutely ok! i love your headcanons so much ahh it hurts! they're absolutely fascinating! thank you for everything you do! and thank u in advance! good luck! take care!

newlyweds xavier thorpe x reader hcs

a/n: I love this idea! and thank you for your kind kind words<3

warnings: reader is part fae, absent parent, slight nsfw

°°°

- it was instant connection with you and xavier, since he laid eyes on you, your perfume clouds his sense and your beauty haunts his dreams and canvases.

- but the rush of the relationship had scared you at first.

- you two ended up in a big argument a few months in your relationships where you admit to him you worries about moving too fast etc and being scared you'd ruin it or he'd change his mind about you.

- since then, he decided to make extra efforts in reassuring you, and you two start spending many times together doing bonding activities and getting to know eachother's boundaries.

- as much as he seems confident in your relationship, he's deeply insecure about you finding a true mate that's not him.

- until one day, he notices you doing a specific courting ritual for him.

- it was then he realized that you were doing it to mate him in the faerie tradition, showing how serious you were about him.

- 4 months into the relationship, he's already bought you a ring, you two were basically already a married couple, every event he wasn't allowed to be around you in, his eyes will wander for yours, every moment you spend together are either deeply affectionate or in peaceful comfortable silence.

- it was during the holidays, his father was barely home, when he was, xavier tried bringing you up, telling him how he thinks you're the one.

- the older man only waved him off, reusing the lines "if that's what you want.", frustrating him.

- that night, without you warming his bed or holding him through his sleep, he realizes how truly lonely he feels. and the only cure for the loneliness was you.

- he suprised you at you family's house, your mother was absolutely whipped by Xavier.

- already referring him as 'my son'.

- seeing how easy he was accepted into the tight knit family, he takes the risks and proposes to you during dinner.

- you were in awe, tears formed in your eyes and you almost forgot there were other people in room.

- when you only stared at the diamond ring in shock, your sister had answered for you screaming "if you don't want him I do!" earnings a shushing from your mother.

-you jumped off your seat and basically leaped on him, crying yes repeatedly, and your mother cried that night, reminiscing her old love with your dead father, she was glad you had found the mate you deserved.

- he had brought a house near your's, using his trust fund (he's a nepo baby sorry y'all).

- when his father found out he was getting married, he guilt tripped xavier into agreeing to work under him with his company.

- Xavier agrees, telling himself that he'd work his way up to independence sooner or later, but for now he didn't want to promise you an unsure future.

- so you marry 6 months after graduating Nevermore, thankfully already now having a house and stable job.

- you work in a troubled children school as a counselor a few months in your marriage.

- and as much as you both learned to enjoy your jobs, he was upset that you two hadn't had a honeymoon yet, he secretly plans a vacation to bora bora while you're blissfully unaware.

- even if you two were busy with work, you'll always make time for eachother, always having dinner every night together unless he has a late shift (which he'd tell you first).

- sunday movie nights binge watching the hobbit and doing laundry together, an activity you both despise but work together to finish.

- when your 1 year anniversary finally arrives, he suprised you by coming home early and setting up a nice romantic chinese takeaway date, it may sounds cheap to other, but he knows your love for chinese fried rice runs deep.

- you pointed ears twitch at the sight of a small box he gifts you, and you couldn't he happier to find two plane tickets to bora bora in it.

- you two take a month off and spend it swimming in oceans and trying out new food.

- while you busy yourselves admiring the culture, he impatiently waits for night to come so he could admire you in private.

- it wasn't unusual for newlyweds to go at it like rabbits.

- but even after a whole year of being together, his desire for you was never sated.

- cooking dinner together too often ends up with you bent on the kitchen counter and moans and whimpers filling the kitchen while the spaghetti overcooks.

- it was not rare for movie nights to be spent with him in between your thighs instead of actually watching the lord of the rings.

- you also start showering together once you two got married, and on days one of you were too tired, you two would lay in a tub together while slowly washing eachother's hair and body. it was an intimate act both of you could appreciate without it having to be anything sexual.

- baby talks only comes in years later in the marriage, both of you settling with a fat tabby cat, not ready for an actual child.

- you grumpy orange cat was the light of your lives despite it's constant habit of breaking Xavier's stuff and accidentally spilling his art paints ( Mr fluffykins is no longer allowed in his art shed btw)

- you almost feel stupid for doubting your relationship a while ago, for now, you can't even begin to imagine ever loving anyone else.

[clemswinecorner]

Nuggets and shakes [Zak O'Sullivan]

Summary: During the F3 break something is up with Zak, so Y/N finds out and comforts him.

Started from the prompt "You’re avoiding the subject and you know it. What are you hiding from me?"

Wordcount: 1.7k

Warnings: it's kinda sad and like a liiiiitle angsty bc Zak is sad bc Williams did a shitty thing. Other than that its like cute or smt its a lovely relationship (with a little bit suggestive at the end but y/n stops it to play games lol)

Guess who lives! And it's my biiiirthdaaaay so here's a gift for you xx This got me out of my writer's block and I wrote this in a day (but! i am on @clemswinecorner-socials more often because those can get some creativity out of me even when I have a writer's block, I've got a new post ready for you there as well mwuah x) and also I graduated in the mean time so go me, and now I have time to get back to writing and the inspiration so thank you Zak! Enjoy Zak girlies :)

Ps. don't think about the title too much because I struggled making up one (suggestions are welcome)

Main Masterlist

It wasn't unusual for Zak to keep to himself like now, especially when he'd been busy and his social battery was low. Zak was a very laid back person, so people were used to him not bringing attention to himself in general, but he was usually up for a chat and often cracking jokes. He had spent a lot of time with friends and family, so you understood him seemingly wanting some time to himself, sure. What was unusual, however, was how he was distant even to you. The last race before the long break wasn't a good weekend for the British driver, his feature race ending early due to damage from the opening lap after struggling to make it into the top 10 on Friday. He'd been frustrated and quiet on the way home to England, but when you went to Spain, where you'd spend the first couple of weeks of the break, the championship went somewhat forgotten.

It was now only 3 weeks until the final race of the season came around, and you were seated next to Zak in his parents' garden as his dad and uncle were busy with the barbecue. He absentmindedly scrolled on his phone, occasionally responding to some texts with his other hand on your thigh. He wasn't physically distant, he'd never been, but there was something different between going on. Something hanging in the air, which was weird- you’ve always been very open and communicative to each other. "Zak, can you come help for a second?" You look over as his dad calls him, but Zak doesn’t seem to notice. You nudge him, "your dad needs help." Zak nods and puts his phone in his pocket standing up, his hand leaving your thigh. You watch as he talks with his family, a small smile on his face, though you could see it wasn't fully there. He was still chatting and joking around, you assumed from the way his dad was laughing, but his own smile seemed a little more forced- but maybe that was just you. 

"So, how's my favourite in-law? The job going well?" You smile at Zak's cousin, who was around the same age as you, sitting down next to you. "I'm good, I'm alright. I've been having fun during this time off, but also can't wait to get back to the track with the team and Zak. And you, how's the boyfriend?" You chat for a while, until you get interrupted by your boyfriend appearing next to you with a hand on your shoulder, handing you a plate with some salad and a little bit of everything from the barbecue. "Thanks babe, looks good," you smile and you give him a quick peck. "Always for my girl," you blush and his cousin looks at the two of you fondly as Zak makes his way back. "So, everything going great between you two I assume?" You look at Zak with a sigh before looking back at her. "Yeah, we're good, I think. He's been a little off, or something, but I think it's work related. I've been wanting to talk about it but you know how things are in the motorsports world, you can't always say," His cousin looks over with a sympathetic smile. "Oh, well, you know how he is. If he's ready and wants to tell you, he will. And you can always ask," you nod as you look at his 3 year old niece, who has just come in, running up to him. "Uncle Zaaaaak!" Zak turns around and looks down with a smile. "Hey there princess!" He says and you hear an adorable squeal as he lifts her in the air. "He'd be a good dad," His cousin raises his eyebrows at you and you shake your head. "Nope, way too early, we are not having that conversation."

"Are we going too?" You softly ask Zak after you've said goodbye to his niece and her parents. "Yeah, sure, whatever you want," you grab the keys from his back pocket and rub his arm. "Alright, I'll drive. Let's say goodbye to your parents and go," You walk back to the garden, where you hug both his parents before quickly waving to his siblings. "I'll see you guys next week, right? Alright, bye!" You automatically grab Zak's hand as you walk back to his car, him going more quiet liked you'd seen at home the past couple of days. You hand him your phone with Spotify, not entirely sure what type of music he'd prefer, and drive home. "Do you want a milkshake? I could also get nuggets to share or a McFlurry. I won't tell any of the trainers," You mention when you see the exti that leads to the McDonald’s. You glance over at Zak who gives you a tight but genuine smile. "Nuggets and shake, please," you smile as you pull into the McDrive, ordering your usual favourites. "Thank you," he quietly says when you're back on your way. "Ofcourse," You smiled. 

You settle around the kitchen island in Zak's apartment, with him sitting and you still standing halfway across from him. "So, how are you feeling?" Zak frowns at your question as he dips his nugget in the sauce. "About what?" You shrug, "In general," and Zak simply shrugs back. "Just normal," He just says, and you look at him once more. "Zak, is... Really, are you okay?" He looks up at you now, seeing how serious you are. "Yeah, i'm fine. Just... There’s nothing, i just need to get back into the flow, and stuff. With Williams and everything I've just... You know how it is, different people and stuff, but I can't really say," It's only when he mentions the team that you realise how much he hadn't talked about them during the past few weeks, whereas he had mentioned his F3 team. He'd been over at the factory a few times, but not nearly as much as during the winter. "Zak, is everything going okay at the teams, and during training? We've not really spoken about that stuff for a while," he quickly shakes his head- too quick. "Yeah, did you hear Williams is finally allowed to break the cost cap for the new stuff? And Prema's been doing well, did you talk to Angelina about the new LAP's? I noticed they took over some of your filming habits," He talked quickly, not allowing you to interrupt. "I did, yeah, but you’re avoiding the subject and you know it. Zak, I know this is a secretive world, or supposed to be at least, but i'm your girlfriend. If you go through something I go through it with you. What are you hiding?" Zak looks at you and you see a change in his demeanour. "I, eh, I don't... I don't think I can really..." You walk over to him, the distress clear in his voice. "Listen, I'm here, okay. I won't tell people, I just care for you. Good or bad, i'll stay," you grab chin and make him look up at you as you tell him that, and he nods. "I know. Thank you," You smile as you hug him from behind the chair. "I love you, always." He nods in response as he leans into you, rubbing your arm. "I got sacked by Williams."

You freeze at those words. "Zak..." You say as you stand by his side. "That's what you've been keeping to yourself?" You ask, already knowing the answer. He looks at you with watery eyes and nods. "My god, Zak, I'm sorry," You pull him to stand up and embrace him, feeling him relaxing immediately at your touch. You stay for a long while as the words slowly sink in. Zak is still grabbing you tightly and from the way he's hugging you you can tell how much he needed this. He softly cries on your shoulder as you hold him, with here and there sobs that absolutely break your heart. 

"You don't deserve this. That's... It's a dumb decision, really, why would they do that to such a good driver?" Zak has slowly pulled back, now leaning against your chest as you hold him. "They had to choose. With the Merc juniors and Logan already there they had to make a decision and they saw more in Franco. I really don't know what next, Y/N. I don't even know if I'll make it to F2," You sigh as you hold him close. "You will. And honestly, you're gonna make it to F1 anyways, might as well make it a team that isn't the worst on the grid," Zak gives you a eye roll and a smile in response. "Okay, okay, I'm still with the team until after Abu Dhabi. But maybe, yes," he admits and you chuckle. "Alright, now that we've got that out of the way, we should do something fun, because you need that. Put on your pyjama pants and I'll grab us a game, alright? Alright, I'm changing first, you finish the nuggies!" He chuckles as you walk away to the bedroom. 

"I'm coming in," You say as you open the door, a bottle of rosé and two glasses in hand, placing them beside your bed. Zak walks out of the bathroom wearing just his underwear, and you look him over. "Put on some pants," you tease and he smirks. "I know you'd rather have me keep them off," You roll your eyes as you leave the room again, grabbing the games you figured you could play. "You don't need a shirt, it's fine like that," Zak looks at you from the edge of the bed and stands up as you put the games on the bed. "Thought you'd say that," he says as he pulls you close to him by your wrist, pulling you in for a kiss. As his hands slip lower to the shorts you're wearing you pull back. "We were going to play some games, weren't we?" Zak nods as you move yourself from his grip making your way over to the bed. "Uno and monopoly, really? You know that stuff has ended relationships, right?"

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[skoff-the-artist]

Hi :)

Since it's New Year, I wanted to share my story with you. This post is pretty personal to me. Just beware. It's heavy. I will be telling you some important stuff in the end tho :)

TW for everything (I tried to avoid graphic details but my life is graphic, so) but this is a story with a happy ending!

2022 was rough. My English knowledge wouldn't be enough to describe how rough it was. This year started off..not good. I was depressed and tired after a really heavy December of 2021 during which I was preparing for the finals and supporting my grandma while my mom was in the hospital (she was suspected of having cancer but everything ended well).

The only hope I had was for the spring to come and sun to shine and let me enjoy things. I dreamt of green, of blue, of warmth of the future and it was the only thing that got me through January and almost the entirety of February.

Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but I'm Ukrainian. So the happy 2022 spring never happened. I live in the eastern region, 40km from the border with russia. 24.02.2022 I woke up at 5AM from the explosions that have shaken the glass in my windows. My mom told me "Pack up your things, the war has started". Good thing I prepared everything few days before. It wasn't shocking. I just accepted it as the logical continuation of all the shit I've been through.

We moved downtown to grandma's flat from the outskirts where we lived. First night I slept in the cold underground train with many people just like me. Scared. Artillery shelling didn't stop. I moved to live with my friend's family few blocks away from my grandma's flat, where my mom stayed. Our city was getting destroyed. We've seen it, heard it, felt it. The ground shook nonstop. It was terrifying. It was dark at night: light in houses wasn't allowed so the enemy bombers won't see the city from the sky. They saw. We heard bombs fall on us every night. We couldn't sleep, so we slept 1-2 hours between shellings during the day. On the floor, of course, so the glass from the windows won't hurt us if it was to blow up from the blast wave.

We (me and two of my best friends) quickly accepted our deaths, so we made jokes all the time. We were laughing hysterically when the bombers flew over the house bc "what, you have no hobbies? Fly away and dо something, bitch!". When it was artillery, we covered our ears up and sang, laying face down on the floor. I turned the music on my phone up. We hoped that if someone has to die today, it wouldn't be us.

Dozens of civilians died daily. In their own houses, in their beds, under the rubble.

My grandma died of stress on March 1. Our small family became even smaller. I felt numb. Me and my mom fled to another city on March 4. Two of my friends stayed in our hometown and third one fled to Poland.

It was snowing when we left.

And so the spring began.

I can't remember much from that time. In the new city it was.. quiet. Bright at night. Peaceful (almost, as there still were some rocket hits during my half year stay). I didn't feel like I belonged. Kids were laughing on the streets, grocery shops were full with food. And there was I. Alone. It didn't felt like my soul was in pieces, it felt like it was dust.

I read news. Seen horrific photos of familiar buildings turned to some stone and dirt overnight. It was so so painful. It changed me as a person, really. I didn't notice passing of time, just existed from day to day. Tried to keep up with school, did some assignments on autopilot. I didn't even cry.

And I still had to finish school and go to university.

Somewhere around April, when I started to catch up on life again, I got back into Transformers. Now I had plenty of time to watch, read, draw and think so I did just that. And it brought me comfort. During May I finished reading Lost Light, created my first Tumblr blog, graduated in fcking Zoom celebrated my 17th birthday. I allowed myself some hope. As funny as it sounds, Transformers healed me in a way! I heavily associate myself with the characters, who had to go through war, who saw their home getting destroyed but still value morals and their friends. Summer was calm, although my hometown suffered from shellings everyday. When attacks stopped for a bit, I visited my home twice. During my first visit I met my friends and went to school to greet my teachers while my mom collected some stuff from our flat. During my second visit I cried in my own room for the first time in months and nearly died an hour later when our bus got under the shelling but despite this I was happy because it still was MY city, familiar views and familiar people.

Back into our temporary flat in another city, I often went to feed the seagulls on the cost of the river Dnipro. I stargazed at night, looking for constellations. I found peace in those little moments. I also drew A LOT. And loved every second of it. Really helps to get that heaviness of your chest. You helped me, too. Your support of my work surprised me! Many people were interested in my AU, it was unexpected, but quite nice :)

And during the summer I learned how to genuinely smile again. I lacked one thing – my home.

I got accepted into the academy's of arts and design! I found two new friends! In September our troops cleared the area around my city, so the artillery shellings stopped entirely. And closer to the October I MOVED BACK BABY. It was my own choice and I don't regret it. My mom supported me, saying that life can't be put on hold, and if you have to be at home in order to live, then so be it.

I CAN FINALLY REST ON MY OWN BED, SIT IN MY OWN CHAIR, LOOK OUT OF MY WINDOWS (one of which was broken bc our apartment building got hit twice during shellings) AND MEET MY FRIENDS FREQUENTLY. And, what's important, I still can draw. I'm so grateful for this.

Learning process started. I am constantly tired, not of drawing but of the quantity of the assignments I have to finish. My sleep schedule got fucked up really bad. I suffer from PTSD, I'm scared of loud noises, I developed a deep hatred inside of me during this year, my life is one huge reminder of what I have to live through daily, missile strikes never stopped, and because of that we often have no electricity nor water, I wake up from distant explosions at least once a week, war still rages just around the corner.

But.

I'm a fighter, bitch!

And IDC. My city is actively getting rebuilt, shops reopen, public transportation works as good as ever, streets are clean. I still enjoy things, laugh, meet my friends, colour my hair (I'm a redhead rn!), sleep with plushies, listen to music, read comics, think about something new I could draw and post, go outside, cry reading optiratch fanfiction, do my nails and LIVE. Maybe I'm not as happy as I could be but I'm still here, with you. I'm alive.

Transformers grew close to me because there's so much I have to tell you through the characters that I love. I understand them and I feel like they could understand me if they were real. And if you understand them that means you can understand me, too! I value it over anything else.

Before 2023 starts I want you to know. Not everything means to be restored. But if something is to be restored, it will be. Wounds heal. There always will be people who'd understand you and love you for who you are. Bad things will end eventually, even longest wars always ended. Value everything you have, every breath is precious, every quiet night is priceless. Look at the night sky more often. Unite with others, spend time with your family and friends. Keep living!

As you reading this, I'm celebrating New Year with my friends.

Google "Kharkiv", it's a beautiful place.

[weeb-cheese]

Hello! Changel from Twitch here! Hope the day is treating you well <3

This is the quite heavy question i didn't share on twitch bc of it being heavy, but feel free not to answer it if it makes you too uncomfortable to talk about!

So...I have been following the Kuro manga since before the Blue Memory Arc was released, but I never realized Ciel was a victim of CSA until the chapter where it was disclosed. Recently, after i got back into the manga, i even thought "Yana, did you even plan this or was it a last minute decision to put something extremely fucked up?"

However, looking trough tumblr, i found out some people called it (and i may have misinterpreted, or remember wrong, but I think you're one of them?) before it even happened and i wanted to ask...Can you share what made it so obvious for you? Because the only thing i can think of is his dislike for physical touch, but that can be chalked up to non-sexual physical abuse as well, so idk I'm just curious on what the foreshadowing was that i missed?

Again, feel free not to answer if its too heavy. I usually avoid any talk about sexual assaults of any kind, however i just wanted to understand the foreshadowing/effects on o!Ciel that i missed, but i totally understand if you don't feel up to it. Your mental health comes first :)

Sorry to bring up such a dark topic...

Stay safe <3

I don't clearly remember what it was exactly that let me know. I think it was a combination of things. But mostly I think it was a gut feeling and projection? More explanation under the cut since it's long and also can be heavy

I started reading the manga for Kuro shortly after getting out of a really traumatic relationship. I'll be straight up, there was nothing more than non-consensual groping and a type of emotional abuse that some mental health professionals call emotional rape. So I obviously never experienced anything like Ciel did. But, I was able to take my own feelings and find them in Ciel. Things I felt, and behaviors I exhibited were mirrored and exaggerated in him. He was displaying behaviors that had my mom asking me if anything had happened. So I kind of just put two and two together. (btw this was a decade ago. I've been healing, and am okay now!)

A scene that really solidified it though was his PTSD attack in Green Witch arc. And especially the fact that he only felt safe with Finny there. Ciel wasn't in a place where he could clearly differentiate between reality and his own nightmares and memories. So any adult presence was a reminder of those who hurt him. But since Finny was also a teenager, his presence was safe, comforting even. There are a few other scenes through out the manga where Ciel displays classic symptoms of being an assault survivor. Moments where he didn't want to be touched that felt too extreme to be anything else. Like the time he pulled a gun on Sebastian when being woken up one morning after a nightmare. The manga tried to play it off as him being scared after reading scary stories before bed. But it felt deeper than that to me.

It also just made sense to me? I had a really negative outlook on the world back then, and for some reason was hearing a lot about assault in the news. And I was also getting to the age where my mom was talking to me more about that kind of thing, so I'd be aware and better able to protect myself as I graduated high school and entered college. So I guess it was just on my mind a lot. But it just seemed like a safe assumption to make. Like what else would these weirdos be doing with a bunch of kids? I say this all the time, but it's THE WORST headcanon to have confirmed in canon.

I think with the symbolic way Yana Toboso portrayed THAT chapter, it wasn't done for shock factor or just to add something fucked. I think it was something she had in mind from the start. And at least knew she wanted to include that in the manga long enough to have put so much thought and care into how she portrayed it. It's still an incredibly fucked up chapter, but to me it didn't feel like something she put in for the sake of the reader, or to gawk at how fucked up it is. She's referenced CSA a bit through out the manga as well. In the Circus arc, when Kelvin is told that Ciel was in captivity and would be the lamb, the other guy makes a comment about how he and the other cult guys would love Ciel plenty enough for Kelvin. And that so clearly is about CSA, especially now that I know Yana Toboso had that in mind as well.

I don't think you really missed a lot of foreshadowing. Especially since most of it was vague or brushed off and explained away by something else in the manga. Or required you to be pretty familiar with those feelings and symptoms yourself. If Yana Toboso wanted to make it clearer from the start, she would have. Maybe she wasn't too sure if she wanted to confirm that. I know when it comes to the writing process you'll come up with a lot of character traits and back stories that help shape the character, but may not actually make it to the final product of the story.

[emetophobiahelp]

Not a movie/show question but I'm going to Florida hopefully by April next year and I'm taking a plane bc it's faster, I've NEVER been on a plane before and everyone who has this phobia knows there's NO escape on a plane... Can't run and hide, can't hide in the bathroom or anything... I'm wondering if anyone has experience with the phobia and flying especially for first timers? I love being on boats so is it any similar? How can I help prepare myself? I have headphones, mint gum, travel tabs and all the emetophobia healing stuff but I'm wondering if I'll need more? I've been told you can't be asleep before boarding a plane so if I take sleep meds I may be screwed but it would help calm me down fast since I don't trust any other drugs but those. Also it would be a 3 hour flight I'm told bc for every day is an hour in the sky my dad says so 3 hours isn't much but I'm so scared I'm ready to call it off... But I have to go bc my gf is proposing to me once I get there, we had everything planned out ahead of time bc we don't like surprises. My gfs understanding as hell but... I'm so scared and I'm so sick of this, what feels like disease taking over my life... I've missed out on SO many things bc of this stupid fear... Even my graduations.. I almost missed my aunts celebration of life too bc I was being forced into a car with my 6 year old nephew and I do NOT trust kids at ALL... Sorry for the rambling, I'd love some advice if possible please...

so I actually love flying lol I've done quite a bit of solo flying as an adult and flew a bit as a kid, both with family and on school trips. the best thing about being on a flight when it comes to emet is that you actually generally are in your own little world. with the pressurized air and such there's a good amount of white noise blocking out sounds, and add your headphones to that and you can't hear much.

as far as sleep meds, I definitely wouldn't take anything BEFORE boarding because you might miss the boarding announcements. but once you board and get seated and settled, you should be fine if you feel comfortable doing that. depending on what kind of sleeper you are and what time it is, you may not even need that. on flights at night and in the morning they turn the lights off so it's dark anyway.

I would also recommend trying for a window seat bc then you are even more "isolated" from what other people are doing. you can just stare out the window and focus on that. but if you think you would feel too trapped or think you would need the bathroom, aisles are alright too! 3 hours is a pretty short flight tbh so I think you'll do great!

in ALL of my flights over the years, I've only been aware of two times I was in "proximity" to people v*ing. the first was in middle school on a school trip and it happened MANY rows behind me and the only reason I found out is because middle schoolers love to gossip lmao. I never saw or heard anything! the second time was in college when I studied abroad in india, and one of my tripmates had taken an edible before the FIFTEEN hour flight and then slept the entire time without eating anything else. so that was definitely an exceptional situation lol. and I managed to see that she was starting to feel s* when she woke up so I swapped seats with someone in an aisle further away from her. it happened right at the end of the flight and even though I was very shaken by it, it's actually one of my proudest emet victories in my whole life. and again, I tell you those stories not to hike up your fear, but to show that they're RARE! most people have experience flying and know their bodies and how they handle things. even people without emet take necessary steps to avoid these things!

I hope that's helpful :)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, please call me yuna. this might be too long so i'm going to split this into 2 asks, i hope that's okay tw's: suicidal thoughts and attempt, general abuse, some detailed descriptions of physical abuse. i just want to vent out and i feel i'm in desperate need of advice. for some info i've been raised by a single dad since i was 14, turning 18 this sept. my dad was never really physically abusive, and he barely insulted my mom. but he had a really hard time regulating his emotions it seems and he couldn't express himself. he was very distant from both my mom and i. so she probably found someone better and left. with me, he was very emotionally unavailable and there was little affection between us, so i conclude my parents had an unhappy marriage. i don't know what caused him to be the volatile dad he is with me. we had eventual arguments and it started with a basic slap as 'discipline'. it escalated overtime. going to dragging me out of my room and beating me until i quite literally passed out. one of my worst memories consists of when he went a 'little too far' and had to take me to the hospital. he forced me to come up with a story where i was targeted by delinquents and how we were pressing charges which was absolute bs. nobody questioned this shit. not even my neighbours. not people who i considered friends. we're barely in contact w relatives. all of this happened during covid, so in complete isolation. all the worst memories took place during covid. i have very, very mixed emotions about him. i know he had a hard childhood, but in the end, he has never apologized for anything. but i think, all these years, he feels guilty, just doesn't know how to express it. like after hitting me, he'd cook for me, try to give me space, even when i fell sick (ironically, from his physical abuse) he took care of me, but he has not once directly apologized. so i can't help but feel it's all superficial. how else would he have the audacity to ask him how i'm feeling as i limped around the fucking house bruised and swollen bc of what HE did? thing is he has a perfect exterior. he earns well, has a great lifestyle and is respected by people. nobody will question him because how can a single dad that provides his kid so much comfort ever be abusive? will continue the rest in my next ask, please reply however comfortable.

His perfect exterior almost fooled me too. He'd try to make good of birthdays, compliment me on good grades, if i asked for something, he'd usually just provide it, but within a day or two i'd be back to being his punching bag. around 2020, i had a suicide attempt a day after he hurt me really badly. my memory around this is fuzzy. i vaguely recall looking at my bruised face and within a few seconds i stopped thinking rationally. i had been showing very visible signs of being in a highly unstable mental headspace, even vocally expressing suicidal thoughts, but it was always dismissed, obviously met with more abuse, and a simple "stop saying such things". he never took them seriously. i'm going to sound really crazy, but i'm glad i did try, or atleast attempt to kill myself, because i saw him express some genuine emotion for me for the first time in years during that. i wonder if i did that out of spite, or if i just had enough. in short, there were complications, he was never charged bc of red-tape procedures, CPS failed me due to 'lack' of evidence and i didn't admit anything nor did he (now that it think of it, i can't believe i never took pictures of the abuse.), and i ended up home again. i've been on meds since that. as for dad, he didn't change as much i thought he would. he didn't lay a hand on me for months, but he wasn't very emotionally supportive, even once asking me why i attempted. you'd think he'd change for his daughter's sake, but i don't think he ever will, fully. there was no all out abuse like there used to be after the attempt, but he still occasionally hit me. when i graduated HS, i told him i wanted to move out, which he did not oppose, this surprised me a lot bc i thought he'd try to hold me back. i'm not sure how to feel about this, and what it means. he texts me sometimes, trying to pretend to care. till date, there is no apology. no explanation for everything. i've been a straight A, well-behaved, and all of it was excused by 'you were troublesome and i simply disciplined you.' here's where i need the advice. even when i'm out now, i don't feel safe. even after my attempt, every time he spoke to me it felt like his fist was hitting my face again. every time he talks to me about remotely anything i feel as if he's driving his knee into my stomach again. i struggle a lot with some sensory issues. my face and head start to hurt, i'm all dizzy and there are sharp pains that run down my ribs and everything. i'm not sure what this is and wud like advice on it. but i suppose it could be depression/ptsd or wtv. i constantly think of cutting him off, but tbh, i'm very, very scared. i'm still scared of him. i'm scared that i stand to lose a chance at building a genuine relationship w him. i made very little friends throughout the years and pushed them all away. he's my only family & support system. i truly want to believe he's trying his best, but i just can't. it's like losing everything i know. even as i'm out of that house, i just can't get to sleep because of the constant nightmares and waking up randomly soaked in sweat. i think i feel very detached and numb from my emotions, i realize i can't express much, either. i fear i'm becoming like him, and i don't like it at all. to conclude, nobody around me currently knows of the abuse. anyone who does has excused it. i'm not suicidal now, but i don't know how long i can keep all of this bottled up, and who would even believe such a perfect man like my dad could do something so horrendous. i'm going to try my best to keep myself together. someone needed to know all of this, and i feel i can express it here. thank you for building such a safe place. i sincerely apologize for the long asks.

Hi yuna,

I'm so sorry about everything you've been through. Please know that none of this is your fault and it takes a lot of strength to come this far so you deserve to be proud of yourself. It can feel impossible to deal with an abusive parent, especially with experiences like yours, and it makes sense to have a complicated relationship with him because of that.

People who fail to acknowledge that your father is capable of abuse and has abused you obviously aren't seeing the full picture. It's not your fault if someone asks something so naive like how a single dad that provides his kid so much comfort could ever be abusive. The answer is complex because so is the situation.

i can honestly see why you were glad you attempted suicide, because it finally seemed to get the attention from your father that you haven't seen in years. But perhaps it's also worth reflecting on the fact that it seems to take a suicide attempt for your dad to show that he cares about you. You deserve so much better than that.

It's common as a survivor to worry that you'll become your abuser, but its important to remember that this worry is the exact reason why you won't. Experiencing normal trauma responses and PTSD symptoms such as feeling disconnected with your emotions doesn't necessarily mean you'll become abusive either.

Regarding the dizziness and pains, I'm not too sure what it could be and I ultimately recommend asking for the advice of a doctor and/or a mental health professional. It could be the way panic or anxiety physically manifests, and it could also be something more medically concerning, so getting a professional's opinion would be best.

Unfortunately it would be unlikely to be able to build a genuine relationship with him because even if it were entirely healthy, the reminders of his unaddressed abuse and the trauma that you live with as a result are inevitably going to remain at the back of your mind. As much as you deserve a healthy relationship with your father, you don't deserve to have any kind of relationship with an abusive father who has never taken accountability. Even if you continued to have some relationship with him, it would likely be superficial and surface level, which to some degree it already seems to be. It makes sense not to be comfortable being closer to someone who has hurt you so deeply and consistently, even if that person is your dad.

Please know that you're not alone, and we are here for you if you need anything. I hope I could help, and please take care.

-Bun

[taegularities]

Hello, lovely Rid 💕💕

I'm sorry in advance for being a little negative but I have the urge to vent a little and since you make me feel so comfortable and understood, I'm coming to you 😔😔😔

You know that feeling when you have so many things that you want to do that you just end up doing nothing? Well that's basically how I've been feeling this whole time while I was on my two week break from uni. And what makes it worse is that all of those things I wanted to do were things I do for fun and not ones I have to. I've just kind of been really overwhelmed with the amount of content coming out from various places (including bts) and that's made me feel a little burnt out I think? I also used to read books and watch movies so much more often than I have been recently. And there are so many lovely fics that I've wanted to check out but I just haven't had the motivation to do any of that 😔😔😔 And I know that now that I've started school again it will get worse before it gets better until I set up a new routine with my new schedule. It feels a little silly to be complaining about something like this but it's something that's been making me sad for a while now and today it hit especially hard for some reason (probably because I'm getting my period 🙄🙄🙄)

I never make myself do things that I don't really want to do, so I guess I'll just take it easy like I've been doing until the motivation comes again. Maybe now that I'll be busier with uni, it will make me want to do my hobbies more in my free time 🤔🤔🤔

Anyway, Rid, thank you so much for listening and creating a space in which I feel so safe and comforted. I really appreciate it, especially in times like these 💞💞💞

How are you doing, lovely?

dearest ivi <3 you radiate nothing but positivity around here, so it's okay to feel down sometimes. don't apologise for it, okay? 💕

i don't think any of what you said is silly, quite honestly. i absolutely know where you're coming from, and i think it's not unusual! after graduation, i felt really good bc i thought i could indulge in hobbies a little more. i drew, painted and wrote again after months, but even all that became draining after a while.

since you finished exams and an entire semester, maybe what your body needs is absolute rest. and with that i mean stuff that you absolutely do not need your brain for. when we watch movies or read books and fics, we're still focusing, right? maybe you could try going for a long walk, or get lunch/dinner with friends, or make a long playlist and listen to it?

and yes, i'm happy you added the last bit bc definitely, definitely do not force yourself to do anything you don't feel like doing! like, even if it's a hobby you love, when your body says no, that's okay. sometimes we just don't have the energy to do stuff, you know? i'm sure you'll adjust to your schedule, and once you have, take your time for hobbies whenever you feel the urge to (you're right, sometimes we crave free time more when we don't have it lol so it'll be okay!). if you ever feel like you can't, just take a rest (that includes my fics btw !! i know i tag you, but it's okay to take your time <3).

don't worry, yes? we go through weird funks sometimes that we can't quite figure out, but i promise it gets better. and if it doesn't, you can vent anytime, bc i know even getting it off your chest helps a lot. i'll be here anytime, and i actually feel very very flattered that you consider me a safe and comforting place/person 🥺 sending love and hugs, always 🫂🤍

i'm okayish, love! i'm feeling unproductive and overwhelmed at once – idk what that strange mood is, but my mind's been very foggy these days, and i've not been sleeping well. but hey, as i said – we'll get out of this !! 💕

[liesandbrokenhearts]

I'll play the part of the cracked potter and jump into this discussion with my views. I understand both parts of the argument. and I think a part of what anon might be missing is that. it's not just the male haze it's a game of probability. it's the oldest form of algorithm there is.

and that's public opinion. the boil down a consensus and then keep boiling that down. Men speak in terms of preference but don't realize how much of that preference is shaped by the people around them. but women have to deal with a running litany of criticism because they're seen as being on a timer. because of the age range, it's deemed healthy or prime for babymaking. it's a strange form of mortality fear-mongering. unasked for advice is warped into a form of just showing care or some weird form of closeness. as in we're this close so I feel comfortable speaking about you objectively. and it's a strange form of opinionated rubbish.

Western culture has evolved into more of a mixing pot in terms of who's seen as beautiful in terms of ethnicity or ethnic features. but even then they're held to the idea of what are the most idolized forms of those features. Look at Korea for example. there's this level of social pruning in terms of plastic surgery. to the point, that graduating high school is reworded by family members pooling money together as a gift for plastic surgery.

And it's crazy that you can tell someone that and the reaction is either that's crazy or I wish we had that here. and that blows my mind. yea the male gaze is being fed to us in terms of marketability or sex appeal. but that's literally because testosterone fuels sex drive and performance. but the idea of what a woman should look like is often criticized by other women. and mainly family members at that. especially by way of comparison.

Everything I've ever heard about a woman's body that came from a man's mouth was either in terms of sexual promiscuity, desirability, or the exact opposite, and it's always been in terms of preference. even when they praise aspects of a lover. because the main dislikes they speak about are in terms of personality or points of contention.

But everything I've heard about a woman's body is out of the mouth of women. Has either been in terms of envy, their lack of similarity, kind platitudes, or in terms of criticism or condemning them for their comportment either for not sitting like a lady or acting like one in some physical sense in how one walks, talks, etc.

that's just my two cents. I don't know how intelligible this all is. I tend to ramble. forgive me? at the end of the day, I'm not a woman so I'll never know what it fully feels like.

Very fair and I agree completely, algorithm is incredibly harmful in this offense. It’s also the downfall of not only individuality, diversity and actual talent in terms of photo and graphic media, but bc its #s and revenue it makes it doesn’t matter at the end of the day. It promotes media that fits their financial goals and highest engagement analytics so that’s what they push at the end of the day.

And while I’m not usually around for these talks between men of course, or what their individual preferences may be- there is a certain stereotypical “locker room talk” that does happen on public platforms like Twitter and Facebook where men rag on a woman for a certain feature they find lacking or their weight when they actively find these women attractive or lust after them in private spaces… but they continue on with these passes of judgement against these women bc it’s the popular thing to do. And that is just as harmful as not loving us at all. But It really is like that and I really do wish it wasn’t so much molded around others, because everyone deserves love. And I definitely don’t tolerate when any women talk down about men and their “flaws”. It just creates life long insecurities. And yeah our fertility is made so important over ever other aspect over ourselves, and called into conversation by both men and women alike, it’s always up for discussion if someone who can produce human life should be doing it or already have done it by now, I agree as well that it is seem that way. And it also feels like you are a being made solely for the purpose of creating life and not a being with objectivity on what their path in life should be.

And yeah it is very true that ethic ambiguity has truly been deemed the peak of beauty in western beauty as long as it fits within their guidelines and prime features-and while I’m glad it has gone passed solely white European features as “beautiful” it still lends ties to white supremacy in terms of colorism and anti-Black hate. And I’m not as up on Korean standards of beauty besides of brow lifts and such but that is interesting as it is very sad.

But mens obsessive sex fueled drive in marketing is what makes little girls and even grown women hate their bodies and their weight. And that is not to say I’m anti-porn, that’s a complicated subject with many intricate layers to it, but the everyday can be very harmful when it passes on to every tv ad and magazine cover you see. And I get what you mean, family members can pull us down, but mostly by women to try to get them to “better their form” “get highlights” “try waxing”- all to cater to what men might feel lacking from them, essentially male gaze once again. It’s a never ending voice in the back of our head. But of the women I know- at least in terms of friendship, acquaintance and otherwise, there are very few instances I’ve ever seen negative talk and instead are intense moments of hyping each other up and calling each other goddesses and such. That’s what I more so see than ever and that “mean girl” narrative doesn’t really exist in most of womens lives (though I understand that is a generalization) because at least the women I’m around don’t fuck with that shit.

But as for the women who say they’re “not like other girls” that I think you’re describing, that stuff mostly fizzles out around high school when girls realize men and our own internal critics don’t need to push us against each other and there’s nothing wrong with being like other women. Women are one of the most beautiful things on earth and the sooner we learn to let external forces pit us against each other the sooner we all heal, but I genuinely haven’t encountered a woman like that for ages.

And that’s okay, I ramble too. I was also drunk when I started this and tipsy while ending it so hopefully this makes some semblance of sense lol. But I appreciate your opinion of course

[holdingforgeneralhugs]

Hi there! I am in Florida, and at this very moment, trying to dissociate from hurricane Ian that is beginning to hit my town. 😬 So I figured I'd distract myself by asking for ships. If you see this elsewhere too, I just...don't like talking about myself very much so I'm writing this once.

She/her, INFP, Hufflepuff. 5'2, generally pale, curvy, but not overweight (yet, lol), blonde hair (but it's currently The Little Mermaid bright red, lol), blue-green eyes. I love my hair and my eyes and this is the only thing you'll ever hear me say I like about my appearance.

My favorite thing about myself is my sense of humor. And to a lesser extent, my sarcasm. I never really feel I have much to offer people, especially in difficult times, but I can make my friends laugh when they are crying. And a few weeks ago one of my good friends said to me that every time she goes home after spending time with me, her husbsnd says she is always in such a happy mood. And that was just like...the nicest thing anyone could say to me. 💜 I am an introvert until I am comfortable with someone and then I can be loud and frequently silly. Years of customer service in my past made me decent at bullshitting small talk, but ugh, it drains my batteries. I will get along with anyone who isn't an asshole, but I do not get close to most people easily. I don't like conflict, so I can get passive aggressive with people I'm close to if I have any issues over something. Trying very hard to change that, as I know it's not a great look.

Other random shit about me: I have anxiety, but (I think) I've learned to hide it well in public most of the time? My brain is just a fucking mess, but I will joke about it all day! 🙃 I love all animals. I'd cuddle an alligator if it wouldn't eat me. I've got cats, dogs, rats and a bunny. I've wanted a horse my whole life. My favorite author is Neil Gaiman. I love going to the beach and swimming in the ocean. I love museums and history and learning about lore/fairytales/monsters/cryptids. I love Marvel movies/comics, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. I occasionally do conventions and cosplay, though I'm not very good at the cosplay bc I cannot sew. Lol. I've been Rose and Amy from Doctor Who and Kate Bishop (Hawkeye). It's really fun! I wish I were better at it. Love bowling and mini golf. Sadly, none of my friends do.

I love music and going to shows used to be my thing! Like I've seen over 100 bands and concerts. I don't have the time/money/energy to do it anymore, but those were absolutely the best years of my life. I've traveled to other states and across the country for a couple of bands (The Matches and Motion City Soundtrack) and made some of the best friends just waiting in lines. I have one tattoo and it's a crow with a blue button eye that the singer of my favorite band drew for me.

I'm gonna shut up now. Lol. Sorry I got carried away. I'm REALLY trying to distract myself from thinking about this hurricane rn. Thanks in advance if you made it through the rambling and decide to do anything with it. 😁💜

Firstly, I hope you and your family are doing OK since the hurricane and that it didn't cause too much damage! Secondly I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to get to, I've been all over the place lately between graduating and starting my new job🙈

I ship you with Johnny Martin

He's obsessed with your red hair, like he thinks it's the coolest thing ever and it looks so good on you.

You're alike in the sense that you both need to be comfortable with someone before you feel like you can really be yourself.

Of course you two seemed to click right away. You both made a few sarcastic teasing comments and it was like you'd been friends for years.

He's always quick to remind you of your worth, and how you always seem to brighten people's lives without even trying

He totally get that sometimes you just need time to yourself to recharge, and he's always happy to just sit quietly with you or leave you do your own thing in your own space. You'll come find him when you're ready.

No matter what you say, he thinks your cosplays are great and he's always super encouraging.

He's ridiculously competitive, and loves nothing more than trying to beat you at mini golf. He scoffs and acts annoyed when you beat him, but really he just loves seeing you smile.

He definitely intends to start taking you to concerts again, cause he knows you loved going to them.

Hope you like it x

[lushsynths]

This week has been so emotionally taxing for me.

I'm waiting for confirmation of graduation from my university and they're taking their sweet fucking time. I'm supposed to know by tomorrow, but I've been done with summer classes almost two weeks now.

And I feel nervous that I won't be cleared to graduate, but I'm also nervous to find a real job. I'm comfortable at my job and the pay is decent and I'm scared that my new job will suck, or I'll hate it. I don't like interviews, and I HATE talking about myself so I'd have to really up the bullshit in order to come off as someone who they should hire. I'm as hard ass worker and good one but it's hard for me to brag about myself. Plus, change is scary, but I really do want to get a new job at the same time.

An old high school acquaintance came to my workplace, and I wasn't in a particularly good mood to reminisce about life. I planned on playing it cool and just ignoring him, so I didn't have to make small talk. (I sound like a douche when I write this out oh my god, but I promise I'm pretty nice irl, we haven't seen each other in 10 years) Well he went out of his way to say hi and was really happy to see me and I was like surprised because it's not like we were great friends back in high school. We had mutual friends, so we ran into each other throughout the years. But I can't recall a time where we just talked to each other without any other people there. We had a little chat and as I was running around doing stuff we smiled at each other here and there. Anyways, I felt really bad because I could tell he wanted to talk to me, but it was genuinely busy at the time, and I was in charge, so I didn't' have time to chat. Later when I was off work, I messaged him on Instagram and said it was nice to see him and if we run into each other again we should catch up. Well since you can donate plasma twice a week, he came back two days later and then I felt awkward because I really wanted to show him that I appreciated his attention and time. I really did want to say hi, but I worry that I came of as ingenuine.

The next day at work I was working with one of my coworkers who's autistic and an acquired taste to talk to. I personally don't mind him now that I've figured out how to talk to him and keep things chill. But he found out I had cancer at one point in my life and kept bringing it up in front of the donors and I realllyyy don't like having a conversation about myself in front of strangers like whenever my coworkers try to do that I lowkey change the subject bc like...it's my business. Ofc when I can chat with them alone, I'm an open book but like not an open book for random people. So anyways I knew he wouldn't drop it, so I answered his questions about cancer and what not. And that made me uncomfortable to a degree, but what really sent me into a spiral was his comment about my appearance. I have a LOT of self-image issues like a LOOOOT. I haven't gotten on any apps to date or tried to put myself out there because of them. I also don't have any pictures of myself aside from a few my family has taken. My biggest insecurity is my hair loss and I'm not sure if it was genetics or the chemotherapy because my hair didn't grow back the same way as it was before. I think it's a combination of both but anyways it's a huge insecurity of mine and one of MANY. Well, this coworker looked at me dead in the eyes while we were working and was like 'can I make a bald joke?' And I was shocked because OBVIOUSLY I know people can tell I've lost hair for my age (29) but no one has ever mentioned it because I'm sure they're just being nice. And to hear it acknowledged by someone really really hurt my self-esteem and there's not a lot of that within me. Like I already feel ugly and unwanted it really hurt to hear. Plus that day one of my other coworkers came to me because she thought I was in charge and was like "Hey handsome can I go to break later rather than sooner?" and I was like "well I'm not in charge today but I'm sure it would be fine with X" and she was like "well I take back calling you handsome" and it was obviously joking but goddamn that hurt my feelings too.

I actually think I need to see a therapist about my self image issues. I just feel so fucking ugly all the time. I've started to workout semi consistently, but I'm so depressed the past couple of days. I take care of my appearance and practice self-care to like to try and keep my self-esteem normal but it's so fragile it's sad. This is delusion talking but when I went to message my old classmate, I saw he came out as bisexual a while back and thinking about how happy he was to see me and talk to me made me feel good like maybe a man can find me attractive the way I am now, but I just can't bring myself to believe that. Not fully, and I fear that if I ever get into a serious relationship that I won't ever be able to believe my partner actually likes me genuinely so that's another reason I don't pursue dating. God.