#bc they tried to drain me of my energy and who i was.

[snekdood]

like i really dont think ya understand the severity of the abuse- even aside from the sexual abuse-

i have bpd and come from a home where im not validated very well (obviously, bc thats what makes ppl bpd in the first place). i meet this person who validates me in every way i could possibly imagine or want (love bombing). they pretend to like me so much that they start to become like me and pick up traits of mine they like the most. they know they have a hold over me and power over me bc i didnt know how to validate myself and they were the only source of validation i had. so then they go ahead and start invalidating me and acting like im less of me and theyre somehow more of me. i knew who i was deep down but suddenly i felt unseen again and silenced and pushed into a corner. and then they act like im a horrible person (discarding phase) and serve me an entirely different version of me thats not who i am, but bc i didnt know how to validate myself and was reliant on them (something thats particularly important for this type of abuse to work), it made me question myself and who i was and what i was like and what my intentions were and what my actions were and if i could even trust my own reality all over again when i really didn’t fucking need to since i knew who i was deep down, but they somehow convinced me they knew me better. because i was reliant on them. i dont think you understand how much that fucks with you.

[grocerystoreanxiety]

my tolerance for ppl is getting concerningly low

[caluupin]

TGAAC / DGS 1+2 SPOILERS

[WIP] - Thinking abt the dgs investigations crew lately djdnhedbehdh

[amuyyi]

unfiltered y/n .

synopsis; two drabbles of y/n being the oldest of newjeans, yet arguably the most chaotic and childish. 21 year old y/n who's very gen z coded and borderline chronically online from a young age.

trope; platonic! newjeans x f!reader, just danielle + hyein bc im lazy

wc; 1.9k

cw; n/a

a/n; guys i think i fr forgot how to write erm so sorry this is dookie but i needed to write something lighthearted to keep my sanity even tho writers block is real rn thumbs up emoji ... also y/n is just me again LMFAO

Humming, your eyes glaze over the Phoning chat. You and Danielle sat comfortably within your practice room, the younger girl joining shortly after seeing you had started a livestream. There was no particular reason for this stream, you simply felt like entertaining your fans for the day. Throughout the livestream, you and Danielle simply talked, being some of the most social and extroverted members of Newjeans, it wasn’t hard for you two to popcorn different topics from one another.

“Did you ever read Warriors?”

“What, that book series about the emo cats?”

“They’re not emo– well…. Actually…”

Both you and Danielle burst into a fit of giggles as you tried to explain the lore of the Warrior Cats series, which then went into you making a powerpoint on why your company should allow you to have a cat in the dorms, which then went into a conversation about how you guys wanted to decorate your ideal home…

When you and Danielle were put into a room together, it almost seemed like you two fueled each other's energy in a never ending cycle. Still, as your laughter dies down, the pair of you decide to just chill, even for a moment. Your attention gets drawn back to the comments whilst Danielle aimlessly scrolled on her phone for a bit.

“y/n, who are your favorite kpop artists??” You read out loud.

Your eyes light up at this question. Before becoming a trainee, you were a die hard fan of many groups back when you were younger. Honestly.. You were a bit of a chronically online kid, despite your social tendencies. Back in the day, you ran a kpop stan twitter, and are well versed in the new vocabulary of online meme culture… as embarrassing as it was to admit the more you thought about it. 

After reading the comment, the mischievous and playful glint in your eye was impossible to ignore, and Dani seemed to pick up on the shift in energy. Shooting you a suspicious glance, you decide to speak up.

“Ah there are so many groups I love… But.. I’d have to say Red Velvet and LOONA...!”

It was an innocent enough answer at a glance, but to some, the underlying message behind it was glaringly obvious.

Almost immediately after speaking, in the most obvious and not discreet fashion, you freeze, arching a brow making a curious looking expression at the camera as you pucker your lips. It was undeniable that you were referencing an all too familiar meme within the LGBTQ community.

Honestly, you were never one to shy away from your sexuality. You were lucky enough to know who you were from a young age. (All of your odd childhood crushes practically spoke for themselves. Rain from the movie Spirit, for example. The horse.) 

It wasn’t long before the girls caught onto you, and they have been nothing but supportive since. Oftentimes they would tease you over your clinginess with your other members, or how you’d very publicly fawn over other female idols, while nearly all of the light drained from your eyes when approached by a man. 

In hindsight, it was a surprise that they didn’t catch on sooner. The way you acted so stiff around male idols when forced to do Tiktoks with them, or how you never entertained their advances. However, it seemed like Some fans did seem to notice faster than your own members, and deemed you “Irene's daughter” as a result— a title in which you wear with pride, might you add! 

That wasn't to say you didn't have your own hardships and struggles with your sexuality at the same time, though. Of course, being a part of one of the biggest kpop groups of your generation, you couldn’t express your sexuality publically. Not yet. It was too risky. A large chunk of your fan base consisted of straight men anyways… Potential backlash would be detrimental. You didn’t want to drag the others down with you. Not when you guys have so much ahead together.

So you keep your head low, put on your best smile, and focus on your members.

….Until moments like these, of course.

Eyes practically boggling out of her head, Danielle bursts into laughter, shoving your shoulder with one hand while she covers her face with her sweater sleeve.

“Unnie…!” she scream-whispers, baffled by your words. Of course she knew what you were hinting at, she didn’t live under a rock her whole life.

Seeing Danielles reaction only seems to egg you on though. What? You weren’t saying anything explicitly queer. Only the people that mattered would know. Worst case scenario, you’d be in some odd rumor or speculation that had no real evidence to back you up. Maybe you’d be seen as an ally. Humming once again, you pretend to think.

“Though if you want to know about male artists….” You take a significantly longer time to answer this as Danielle is left a giggling mess next to you. She seemed almost a little distressed through the laughter, but she trusted you.

“I would probably say I like EXO and Shinee the most.”

Once again, you make that damn face, and Danielle throws her head back in hysterical laughter. She grabs your shoulder and shakes you around, whispering quiet scoldings into your ear as you snicker, feigning an innocent look as the chat practically blows up.

[cha3wonz] – HELLO???? [kaheii] – y/n blow a kiss if u like women [luv__newjeans] – okay ally

Unsurprisingly, clips of your shared live with Danielle went viral. Many stan accounts on twitter began to speculate that you were queer, whilst others fully embraced it. Your favorite posts were the edits of you with the rainbow flag followed up by a question mark. It was all too good.

Honestly, you didn’t even think it was a big deal. You didn’t pay much attention to other male groups– you never did, really, but when you looked at the new incoming generation of boy group members… They practically had the whole pride parade following them. 

There were a few minor articles about you here and there, but you were mostly off the hook.

Danielle lay sprawled across your back whilst you lay on her bed, scrolling through Twitter aimlessly as she laughs at the comments on your recent instagram post.

“It seems that your fangirls can't get enough of you, lovergirl,” she teases lightheartedly as you wiggle beneath her weight, giggling.

Maybe one day you’ll share the news to your fans, and maybe one day they won’t even be surprised. But you’re glad to have what you have now. Just you, your girls, and your ever growing folder of queer y/n memes off of Twitter.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

Hyein was in the middle of a solo livestream within her bedroom, lying comfortably in her bed as she showcased various articles of clothing she had bought with Hanni the day prior.

The livestream was going well, peaceful as Hyein makes her way through several t shirts, sweaters, pants, and skirts of all colors and styles.

Right when Hyein was about to reveal her favorite article of clothing from the haul, loud, almost desperate banging rings throughout the room. An almost pathetic sounding yelp of surprise erupts from the girl before she curiously glances at the livestream. 

Leaning forward, she whispers to the camera, “I think… I think there's a creep trying to break in…” 

Suddenly, the door bursts open, with a very flustered and irritated y/n tumbling in shortly after. iPad in hand, you collapse into the bed next to Hyein

“Guys, guy, GUYS. The theme was scene!!! What the hell is this?! Look at THIS versus MY outfit!” You exclaim almost a little too loudly as you shove the ipad in front of the camera. Failing to focus on your screen properly, the viewers simply saw a bright white square as you groaned.

Baffled and still a bit in shock, Hyein speaks up, “Unnie, it's really not that serio–”

“This is bullsh–” You cut yourself off as Hyein snorts loudly at your near slip up. Clearing your throat, you grip your ipad a little tighter than needed, trying to calm down.

“This is unfair. And you know what's worse? Its probably some nine year old with their friends voting for them behind the screen!” You whine out dramatically. With how upset you were getting, it wouldn't be surprising if this genuinely was the one determining factor that would either make or break your night.

Hyein couldn't bite back the amused laugh at your seriousness. 

You took your games pretty seriously. Even if it was roblox. There was something familiar and comforting about it all, really. Lighthearted games like this  played a major part in your childhood— which was, of course, abruptly cut short once you became a trainee at age 14. Now that you were an adult with a job as an idol, you could buy your own robux, buy your own gamepasses and items… and most importantly, stomp on little kids in-game. You were here first, after all.

“Unnie, aren't you like, 21 years old? Don't you think you’re a little too old to—“

“And don't you like— what, 12?!” You shoot back without even missing a beat.

A brief, yet suffocating silence passes as the both of you stare at each other, wide eyed. Never in your years of knowing the younger girl have you ever been so.. sassy to her. You were the oldest, after all. It was your job to take care of her.

Almost instantly, you drop your ipad and tackle the younger girl in a hug, crying out, “BABY HYEIN!!! IM SORRY…!!!”

Hyein on the other hand, was not as reciprocal to your attempts at apologizing. Upon being tackled, half of the air in her lungs practically got knocked out of her, and she finds herself tumbling backwards into the blankets below. Instead of accepting your obviously very real and very distressed apology, she began struggling to wriggle out of your grasp as she yelled out, “NO! LET ME GO UNNIE!! LET ME GOOO!!!”

Though the youngest towered over you by over half a foot, your grip on her was borderline deadly. Squeezing your arms tightly around her neck in an attempt at being soothing and sweet (you werent) you scream at yourself, rocking her back and forth. 

“I'm so STUPID im SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY I JUST WANTED YOU TO PLAY WITH ME.”

Incoherent screams and movement was seen from the livestream for about 5 minutes before Hyein tapped your arm, giving in.

“Fine, fine..! I forgive you unnie, just let me go…!”

The moments following Hyein’s acceptance of her fate seemed to actually go by pretty smoothly compared to the chaos that had just ensued a few minutes prior.

Laying in bed together, the two of you played dress to impress while on the live, occasionally interacting with the viewers, but mostly focusing on winning the game. A comfortable silence passes, the only sound being nails against iPad screens.

The pair of you would proudly showcase your creations to the camera, and shared mutual frustration when neither of you would even place despite the immense efforts you put into your outfits.

“I swear to god Hyein, I’m gonna buy both of us VIP and we’re gonna leave these girls in the dust…”

As you prepare to go up for your final round of the night, Hyein suddenly perks up.

“Oh look, unnie! This outfit is actually pretty good…”

“Huh? Oh!! You're right! This is super pretty…”

“…”

“…”

“Two stars?”

“Two stars.”

[tervaneula]

u said leoichi drabble prompt request. consider. one injured and the other protecting them and then the injured one has to calm them down bc 'they're okay, really, promise, rest now'

OKAY SO this fused with a ghost of an idea I've had for a while and it ended up being a bit more serious than the prompt called for and a lot longer than just a drabble. (It's ~1120 words.) CW: blood and injury

Also I made a silly header thing I don't know what to do with, so I'm putting it here since this fic doesn't come with art of its own :'3

“Yui, I’m okay–” 

The rabbit turns his head to look at him, furious. 

“I heard your shell crack, Leonardo, and I'm not an idiot! Now stay down and let me handle this!” 

He falls quiet for a moment before redirecting his glare towards their adversary and then adds a muted, “Please.” 

There's no compromising with Yuichi in this state, apparently, and Leonardo stays right where he got crushed between metal claws and the concrete, splayed on the ground next to those very same claws which had gotten swiftly cut from the wrist for their transgressions.

He does roll onto his side to get his body weight off his shell, and yeah, alright, one or more of the old cracks that never healed properly must have split open again. It's tough to breathe and his back feels… His kimono is sticking to his shell and his back feels wet now that he's paying attention, and that. That is not good. 

Just his luck to run into a massive mecha wreaking havoc on an otherwise lovely day, huh. He wasn't even supposed to be on patrol and thus is embarrassingly swordless. 

Good thing that his date and their resident samurai always carries his. 

The slider watches as Yuichi does quick work of the metal hunk's wiring behind its knees, his frighteningly sharp katana slicing through the cables like butter. The mech falls with a ground-shaking rumble, unable to rise again, arm flailing as it tries to catch the rabbit. It's no use, Yuichi is much smaller and faster – and as soon as he reaches the mech's head, it's already rolling. The construct immediately loses power and Yuichi wrenches the windowed hatch in its chest open. Turns out there's no pilot, just a program-operated dashboard, and he makes sure that none of the controls are functional after he's done with them. 

Leonardo thinks he could watch Yuichi trash villains all day long, he's practically mesmerised by the strength hidden in that soft frame despite his shell throbbing unpleasantly in tandem with his heartbeat. He sighs, lovestruck. 

As his final move, Yuichi thrusts his katana into the heart of the mecha and Leonardo sees a spray of ink-black oil splash all over Yuichi's face and the front of his kimono. It makes him laugh and he realises his mistake too late, his lungs struggling to draw breath again as he finally gets hit with the pain, his body trying to stop him from moving; from causing any more damage. Shit, shit, shit. 

He had hoped he wouldn’t need to bother any of his brothers today since he was supposed to spend the whole day with Yuichi but he knows to pick his battles, now. He opens the comm link embedded in his prosthetic, contacting someone who he knows will pick up. 

“Che~ello!” comes the cheerful answer in just a few seconds, and Leonardo can't help but smile. 

“Mikeyyy, hermano, I'm in a bit of a pickle,” he wheezes, feeling the shift in his little brother's energy as soon as he hears the strain in his voice. 

“Leo? Are you okay?” 

“Not really, no,” Leonardo grunts. “Got into a scuffle with some big haywire robot– don’t worry, that’s taken care of. I suspect Donnie will want to scrap it for parts. Um. My shell’s– my shell’s cracked though.” 

Leonardo can vividly imagine the colour draining from Michelangelo's face and it would be funny if he wasn't acutely aware of a broken shell coming with the very real possibility of his innards turning into outnards. 

“I'm calling Draxy. Stay put, I'll get Lee to pick you up.” 

“Right,” Leonardo sighs, the line going out just when Yuichi is finally done with the mech and rushing to his side, face haphazardly wiped from oil. His gaze is sharp as he kneels next to him, sweaty and out of breath, and Leonardo thinks he looks like a knight. Or maybe like a samurai of the old, in this case. 

“There’s my hero,” he coos before Yuichi can get a word out and the rabbit’s brow furrows. 

“Don’t start,” he snaps but his tone softens almost immediately, “I saw you calling someone. It’s bad, isn’t it? It… it looks really bad.” 

“Yeeeah, this kimono is definitely ruined,” Leonardo laments, “unless you know how to, gh, get blood out of corduroy? No? Or the obi?” 

Yuichi stares. 

“A– a shame, really, I did like this one a lot–” 

“Leonardo!” Yuichi interrupts him and grabs his bicep, looking two seconds away from crying. Leonardo frowns. He knows he’s getting a little delirious but he was sincerely trying his best to lift his mate’s mood. 

“Leon, please, you’re rambling. Is someone coming? Can I do anything?” 

“‘m not rambling,” Leonardo grumbles, hissing when he fills his lungs again. “Leo’s coming to get us, Draxy– Draxum will treat the shell. And no, better keep the obi in place until we get to the medbay.” 

Yuichi’s shoulders slump and he sighs, most likely relieved that he’s not going to have to figure out how to deal with a cracked shell. Leonardo does not like the lingering worry in Yuichi’s gaze one bit, though, and he offers him a grin. It’s a little shaky but whatever. 

“Heeey, bunbun. Listen. This is nothing I haven’t been through before. I’ll be fine.” 

Yuichi gives him an honest-to-God kicked-puppy look and Leonardo thinks it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen in his life. He almost tells him so but Yuichi cups his cheek and his forced grin melts away into surprised silence. 

“I hate seeing you hurt,” Yuichi murmurs, leaning down to press his forehead against Leonardo’s. The slider’s eyes flutter shut and he lifts his hand to hold onto Yuichi’s wrist. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I mean it. I should’ve been more careful.” 

Yuichi huffs and leans away to gently bump their foreheads together. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Maybe, but ’m still sorry. Didn’t want to worry you.” 

“You’re an idiot,” Yuichi says, exasperated. “You should know that at this point, I’ll always worry.” 

Leonardo grins and this time it’s genuine. Breathing in his partner’s scent is like a balm to him, even if it’s tinged with the bitterness of motor oil, even if his body currently thinks that breathing is overrated. Even if he just got called an idiot by none other than said partner. 

“Raincheck on the date?” he mumbles, and finally he gets a chuckle out of the rabbit. Yuichi straightens his back and flicks him on the nose. 

“Like you even needed to ask. Idiot.” 

Before Leonardo can express his displeasure of being called an idiot for a second time there’s the familiar electric hum of a portal opening behind him, and someone whistles. 

“Sheesh, old man. That kimono is definitely ruined.” 

[mvltisstuff]

boyfriends - e.b

summary: after dealing with her boyfriend for years, she finally decides to end things with help from buck.

evan buckley x reader

based on the song boyfriends by harry styles :))

a/n: guys i’m on s5 and what the duck is happening. also pretend ravi has been there for longer bc i literally love him

the table was set with thin candles and ceramic plates under a maroon tablecloth. there were light rain noises coming from outside, calming the room with the dim lights. the aroma of homemade pasta and white wine was filling the room. dressed in her neat jean skirt and black top, y/n sat in one of the chairs at the table.

the door unlocked and swung open with an aggressive stomping coming in with a swaying man. “hey, princess! sorry i’m late i was just busy.” slurring his words together, he walks over as she stands up.

“i thought you were at work.” she states, quietly. she’s confused as he should smell like an office, but instead radiates a busy bar and whisky.

“oh, the guys wanted to go out, sorry about dinner,” he says, slumping on the couch.

“i planned this whole thing, cam. you really couldn’t blow them off for one night?”

“it was just dinner! it’s not like we didn’t have food here.”

“yeah, food for us, that i made for you!” she starts getting annoyed but it’s impossible to argue with a drunk person. “it’s fine, i’ll just take it to work.” clearly annoyed, she pulls the plates out and clears them off into tupperware.

“well don’t be pissed at me because i wanted to hang out with the boys,” he says, his words barely making sense. she doesn’t fight back, knowing he won’t even remember this in the morning.

“go to bed, cameron.” y/n says, before entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

————————————————————————

dressing for work, y/n wakes up to throw on her uniform. she gathers her things to prepare for another long shift at the 118, and she notices his keys gone, along with his work belongings.

she walks out the door after grabbing the leftovers she had spent hours preparing for someone who spent hours not caring. she walks into the station to be greeted by her real family.

“hey, y/n!” eddie says, organizing one of the trucks with buck.

buck gives her a sweet smile, noticing the abnormal lack of excitement on her face. she walks over and talks to them a bit, drained of energy but still ready to force herself through the day.

as much as she didn’t want to leave her apartment, being at the station felt more of a warm welcome. stepping in through the garage doors, the cold air from her apartment and life outside had evaporated.

the team goes upstairs to the kitchen, as bobby is making coffee for everyone. y/n leaves her extra food on the counter to show people.

“what’s all this from, y/n?” bobby asks. “you didn’t have to bring this.”

“oh, it’s just my l-“ she cuts herself off. “i made this to bring to you guys. i made the pasta myself.”

“it’s delicious!” buck says, a mouthful of pasta and covering his mouth. he tries to lighten her mood after seeing directly through her lies.

he had met cameron before, never really being a fan of him. she’d brought him to one of the gatherings, and he spent the whole time ignoring her existence, and then getting mad at her for being upset. he knew she deserved better, and honestly, he thought, she deserves him. he wanted to help her, but didn’t want to cross the line and help where he wasn’t needed.

“really, buck? couldn’t even heat it up?” hen asks, slightly disappointed but expecting nothing else from him.

they all walk away back to their own chores around the station, as bobby stays in the kitchen. “hey, y/n!” buck runs up behind her.

“yeah? you ok?”

“that’s… kinda my question to you.” he stutters a bit. “it’s just- just wanna make sure everything’s okay, you don’t seem as… bright and bubbly as normal.”

buck and y/n had been friends for a long time, knowing how each other felt all the time. they were able to connect with one another so easily, and buck knew that something was wrong with her. he missed her happy mood, that seemed to have faded away more with every shift.

“oh, i’m fine, buck.” she smiles. “it’s just been a lot of work and sleeping, and repeat.”

she lies to him again about cameron, even though he knows the truth. “y/n/n, come on. don’t lie to me.”

“what?” she peeps out.

“talk to me, please.” he begs her to open up because he just wants to make her feel better. “is it cam?”

“n-no, buck. stop, it’s fine.”

that answer alone told him everything he needed to know. he doesn’t know all the details of their relationship, but it’s almost like cam pretends they aren’t even in one.

y/n doesn’t know why she defends him so much, or why she sticks up with it. she’s hoped things will change for a while, but usually nothing looks up. she loves him, she does. at least she thinks so. she provides so much for both of them, and has put in so much energy to their relationship, only for broken promises in return. she has hope that the time she’s put in was worth it, but every day when she goes home to him it becomes weaker. being a first responder, she wants to help everyone she can. she wants to be able to fix their relationship and she wants to feel valued, for once. people tell her all the time how she saved them, and she so badly wants him to realize that everyone needs to be saved. she’s given him the world, and it’s not long before she takes it all back.

“i know it’s not. i’m here for you, and if he’s not good to you i’m gonna be-“

“buck, just drop it! i’m doing the best i can!” her voice raises in defense, and he pulls her into the locker rooms. “im drained from this relationship, right now and i cannot get into this with you right now. this is my only escape, evan.” her light tears form in her eyes before her breathing becomes sharper. the other workers look at them, but with death stares from hen, chimney, and eddie they look away. they’re listening too, they never really liked him either but figured it was none of their business. it hurts to see their friend in this situation.

“i know, it’s gonna be ok.” he pulls her into a hug in hopes to calm her down. “you didn’t make that for us, didn’t you?”

“no, i made it for him. then he came home completely wasted and told me not to make a big deal out of it. i spent my one day off making this big ass dinner for him, and he couldn’t even take a minute to say thank you.”

“look at me, y/n.” buck pulls away and places his hands on your shoulders. “it is not your fault he’s not good enough for you. he is not. good. enough.”

“no,” she whispers.

“yes,” he says. “you deserve better than what he’s giving you.”

she shakes her head and his heart breaks more. there is no way that he has given her so much shit that she doesn’t believe it’s his own fault. the tears come stronger and run down her damp cheeks. “i can’t just leave him, buck. i cant hurt him like that because some part of me still loves him.”

“i know, but it is for the better.”

“i don’t think i have the power to end things. he wouldn’t listen to me and i can’t bring myself to break his heart.” she cries.

“you need to leave him before he breaks yours any more than it already is.” y/n calls back into his chest, and he sits her down on the benches. his own eyes are becoming glossy at the pain of watching his best friend have to deal with this. he’s had his own fair share of bad relationships, but they never meant anything because he is scared of this happening. it hurts his heart to know that she’s been carrying herself through this relationship as he’s just been more weight on her shoulders.

————————————————————————

the door of the apartment swings open again, as usually. surprisingly, the smell of liquor doesn’t hit y/n’s nose. cameron walks in, placing his bags on the floor by the door. “y/n?”

“y/n? where are you?” he calls out again and she makes her way out of the bedroom. “hey, you. did you make dinner?”

“no.” she says, maintaining eye contact.

“o-oh? we don’t have leftovers?”

“no, cameron. i took them to the station.” she says. “you would remember i told you that, but you were too drunk to remember.”

“what are you talking about, y/n? i went out for drinks, i don’t know why you have to be so bitchy about it.” she’s made her decision to leave, but the names still sting inside.

“well, you don’t have to deal with it anymore.”

“what the hell is that supposed to mean? youre not actually leaving me.” he let’s out a patronizing chuckle at her words, but she stands her ground.

“i am leaving you, cameron. my stuff is in my car, and we are over.” she doesn’t move from her spot on the ground, scared to move her glued feet like she’d fall over.

he laughs again with a critical grin on his face, again. “and where do you think you’ll go? i pay for this apartment, i pay the bills. you have nothing without me. y/n.”

“i work at the best fire station with the highest ranking paramedics and firefighters out there.” she retorts back. “i’ll be just fine without you, hell, i practically have been for the past two years.”

“you’re embarrassing yourself, baby girl.” y/n’s expression scrunches up from the cringe of the pet name that she’s always hated.

“don’t ever call me that again.”

“you have no where to go, you can’t stay at your stupid job forever.” he takes a step closer, and she takes another one back.

“actually, she’s going to stay with me until she can find an apartment.” buck says, coming around the corner, sensing her fear.

cam rubs his face. “y/n, please. we can do this together. you know i love you.” his immediate switches in mood is what she can’t control anymore, and she can no longer deal with it.

“some version of me out there still loves you back, and i feel insane amounts of nothing but pity for her.” y/n spits out at him.

“you’re a fucking psycho,” he says, and buck runs over to create more distance, standing between the two. y/n turns around, running her hands through her hair, trying to disappear.

“we’re leaving, y/n/n.” buck says, gripping your waist. “let’s go.”

“fuck, whatever. get the hell out.” cameron finally moves to the side and y/n and buck walk out of y/n’s old ‘home’ for the last time.

they stand outside in the parking lot, standing side by side as a speechless y/n stares in the distance. “i won’t stay for too long, i’ve found a few nice apartments to look at.”

“don’t worry about anything, y/n. you can stay there forever if it means you’re not there anymore.”

being faced with this much kindness and loving actions overwhelms her, making even more tears that she didn’t know she had pool in her eyes. “don’t cry, please. it’s ok, i’m here.” he pulls her back in and pats the back of her hair. “why don’t you drive over to my place, i’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

they go their separate ways and start driving to his nice apartment and already, it feels more like home than hers ever did.

buck pulls out his phone in the parking lot, in his car. he dials a few numbers and pulls the phone to his ear.

“hey, maddie. you busy tonight?”

————————————————————————

going up the stairs, y/n only had the energy to bring in a single bag to his apartment tonight. they walk side by side to his door together, his arm around her shoulders. buck fumbles with his keys and looks at her red, worn out eyes.

when he unlocks the door, y/n immediately notices all her family around bucks kitchen. she places her eyes on everyone, bobby and athena, hen, ravi, chimney and maddie, even christopher and eddie are there. “hey, y/l/n, welcome home.” athena is the first to say. and for the first time of the night, a fixed smile shines through her.

“hi guys, you all crowded in here?”

“thanks to this one, we wanted to be here for you, y/n.” hen says, pointing to buck.

“you did this?” she asks, sweetly, as if they all had just wrapped her hurt heart with the bandages of their love.

“i guess you could say that.” buck smiles, not wanting to take credit, but happy that he’s finally put some light in her mind.

“y/n, come over here and show us how you made that pasta.” bobby says, calling her over to start making dinner. “maddies going to start a salad.”

“ooh! i can make margaritas!” buck exclaims, excitedly.

“um, i can get behind that!” chim says.

everyone gathered around the kitchen, y/n notices her family all around, taking in the love they’ve given her. they would never have to take the time out of their day to come hang out in bucks tiny apartment if they didn’t truly care about her.

after a while, only buck and her remain in the kitchen. as everyone else squeezes into his living room, some people literally sitting on top of each other.

“hey, i don’t know how to thank you for all of this.”

“you don’t have to thank me for anything. this,” buck says, looking around the room. “is what you’ve deserved. and i will do anything to make sure you know that.”

they keep their eyes together, feeling everything from the day come down on them. both of them have their fears, but they seem to fade away and they forget about everyone else. realizing how much he really cares about her has changed everything for her. she loves buck more than she would ever have been able to love cameron. she reaches up impulsively, grabbing the sides of his face and pulling him in. she gives him a deep kiss and buck swears he’s levitating off the ground. his heart is on fire, waiting for this moment since they met. he didn’t expect anything in return, but he will say that this is a pretty nice reward.

buck leans back and shines a toothy grin at her, and she giggles. “you are very welcome.” he says, barely being able to get words out from his happiness.

they look over after hearing tiny giggles in the room. they both look over simultaneously, seeing christopher with an adorable, shining smile at them. he’s covering his mouth, but failing to conceal himself. “hi, christopher.” buck says.

“hi, buck! hi y/n!” he says, still not being able to wipe the smile away.

back in the living room, with maddies legs draped over him, chimney says to hen with a smirk, “and just like that, i am 20 dollars richer.”

“oh come on, chim, we all knew it was bound to happen.” hen laughs and they welcome y/n and buck back over.

[pianistbynight]

days 1-7 of a slow but meaningful summer

this is really the only part of traumerei that i can play sort of fluently...sort of, because you can still hear some hesitation as i try to remember the right notes 😅

thursday | 08/08/24

Started Leviathan Wakes

Tested out of U1 in Japanese and started U2 (loving its similarities to French cuz more familiarity = faster learning curve hopefully?🤞🏻)

Practiced piano...some old scales to warm up + the Clementi sonatina (coming back to it after a 2-3 day break was a good idea! somehow my steadiness has improved! also coming to appreciate metronome practice. sight-reading for the day = a few new bars on the 2nd page) + playing around with Kinderszenen (at this point I just wanted to hear different sounds and it wasn't very productive practice)

Read more of the HSP book

Most likely will have to revise my goals bc I don't think I can make decent progress in all the songs I wanted to in 4 weeks...like, to bring 1 L7 song to performance level after years of not performing anything + without a teacher will probably take longer than it used to. Not sure exactly what that looks like yet other than that it's definitely not gonna be all of Kinderszenen... 😂

friday | 08/09/24

practice wasn't very good today...i kept making silly mistakes i didn't used to make. i'm tired. that's why. i also forgot to do my japanese lesson. i didn't feel like reading either. i don't remember what else i did that day.

saturday | 08/10/24

drained of all energy. didn't practice. didn't do japanese. just chilled with @zzzzzestforlife for the most part and started reading what you are looking for is in the library on her recommendation. i love how philosophical japanese fiction is fjsjdkdks ☺️☺️☺️ (and more generally, i'm surprised that for a culture so new to me, a lot of their ways are just...second nature to my personality...it was very relieving. but i also feel that if i were to live in such a place full time, i would be staying too much in my comfort zone...i also don't know that i would want to ever live in Japan since there are also some important aspects about my current home that i'd miss terribly. all this to say, i'd like to visit Japan again at some point in my lifetime.)

sunday | 08/11/24

went to bed feeling very drained, frustrated, and homesick. so as you can imagine, i didn't get very good sleep. my bare minimum goals for today are:

japanese lesson

read zesty's book recs (there's the library book, the secret adversary [which she rec'd back to me after i rec'd it to her a couple months ago lol], and leviathan wakes) ✅

monday | 08/12/24

finally read the last of the clementi sonatina! got it to a "meh" level to polish in the next few days. super excited! played a few other pieces after that but i think i should focus on level 7 pieces for now before jumping into something barely readable but still playable. i should've brought some level 8 sheet music with me too...but i guess i can read from my laptop (god save my eyes if i do that lol 😵)

might put Kinderszenen back on the (mental music) shelf for now.

i also read more of what you are looking for is in the library and i just love how much there is to ponder about what was said. insightful fiction is my favorite fiction 💗

tuesday | 08/13/24

finished What You Are Looking For Is In The Library! it's such a good book. it's a short story collection but each story is in the same universe and while each story is independent (convienient for readers like me who like to take their time with books but sometimes take so much time that they forget what the story was lol), they're connected in ways that...you know that feeling when you bump into an old acquaintance in a completely foreign place you don't expect to meet anyone you know? that feeling is what i felt as i read chapter after chapter. it makes the vast world feel less lonely.

in the evening i tried to memorize and get the clementi sonatina up to speed. i guess i must be succeeding because my dad said it'd make mice dance lol. also played a bit of traumerei...trying to read more of it but progress is slower since i need to pay closer attention to which notes to hold and when to let go of them.

wednesday | 08/14/24

started reading sweet bean paste today (another japanese book... they're quickly becoming my favorite type of book.) i like it so far. there's potential for a lot of warmth and emotion in talking about food, which is just 🥰

also started "Databases: Modeling and Theory" on edx... 🙈 i'm auditing so i only have 2 weeks (until Aug. 28) to access the material (because the minimum amount of time needed to complete the course is 2 weeks gahhh). so i need to be halfway by Aug. 19. in theory i can do this if i put in 2h of work each day. it's too hot to play piano during the day, so i can do databases then and play piano at night. yes, i can do this. (i need to get my brain used to a faster, "left-brained" pace anyway in prep for school in september. 🙁)

continuing to polish the clementi sonatina and started reading this kuhlau sonatina which is pretty fun difficult. it's really just the left hand that makes it suck. haven't figured out how to move so that the staccatos are sharp despite the finger pedaling. i can do it slow, but not fast while staying quiet, so i must be doing something wrong. sometimes you just gotta sit on it, i guess.

[sbk-zgvlt]

HELP I JUST GOT THIS IDEA…

Book 7 spoilers bc I know people (me) read this shit like the newspaper.

So. Because Sebek had like. A mental health crisis and almost fell back into deep sleep and it was suspiciously familiar. Consider.

Weeks after the events of Book 7, Sebek gets a little invitation to a meeting in, say, the Astronomy Tower or something. I dunno. Nothing about TWST says there isn’t one, it’s a common setting in fics, plus it’s pretty. Anyway he tells Malleus about it bc it’s after hours and (with a Look) Malleus tells him he can (and should) go.

When Sebek gets there, he’s very confused to find a meeting of six out of the seven Housewardens plus Jamil there sitting in a circle and chatting. They inform him that it’s an overblot support group.

Sebek: … but I haven’t overblotted????

Riddle: Really? Malleus has informed us that whilst he was overseeing Lilia’s dream, you experienced something similar.

Sebek: I simply almost fell into deep sleep again and lost lucidity! It is nothing to fret over.

Azul: Oh? Then you didn’t have an emotional episode in which you made a very poor decision that threw away all logic?

Sebek: uh

Leona: And there wasn’t black shit everywhere?

Sebek: well

Vil: And there weren’t monsters attacking your friends that were made of said black goop that had to be fought off to save you?

Sebek: um

Jamil: and you weren’t left completely drained of all energy afterwards?

Sebek just. Quietly takes the open seat next to Malleus.

He effectively had a mental-only overblot, man. It might not have been as physically harmful as a normal overblot but he deserves support.

BRO,,,BRO,,,,

He's STUMPED. He sees absolutely no need for him to be in this...support group? Surely, his liege has suffered far more than him! HE was the one who overblotted, not Sebek! In fact, everyone else in this group has carried burdens that Sebek can't even fathom. He voices this out immediately in the middle of his first meeting.

"It's not about who got the shorter end of the stick." Jamil tries to explain to him. "It's the fact that all of us got one in the first place." Sebek raises a brow. "I HAVE NEVER BEEN HANDED A STICK!" "YOU'RE ACTUALLY HOPELESS."

Malleus sighs and tries to reason with him. "At least try. I'm saying this not as your liege, but as your friend." "WE'RE FRIENDS!?!!??" Leona stares at Sebek tearing up before turning to Malleus. "Yeah, he's fucked in the head."

The meetings are already wild to begin with, especially with overblotees who don't really have a high opinion on each other. Adding Sebek in kind of disrupts the balance of people "hating" each other.

When they asked Sebek how his "overblot" went, Sebek stared off into the distance before saying that it was embarrassing. Everyone's shocked that he described such an experience that way. "...just embarrassing?" Vil asks, clearly not satisfied with the answer. "I was stuck in a dreamscape that replicated the exact visage of the horrors of war. I should've raised my guard, yet..."

Sebek looks a bit embarrassed before admitting, "I got carried away, believing in praise that I could only find in my own dreams. I shouldn't have been so...easy to manipulate." Malleus winces at his words. "If it weren't for Silver, it's most likely that-" He cuts himself off.

Azul prods, too invested in the story, "Most likely what?" Sebek gulps. "It was most likely that I would've never gotten out." Silence. "B-but it was a dream. Like, u could always respawn!" Idia tries to say.

"Silver said that he didn't know what would happen if anyone actually...died in a dream. Especially with his unique magic."

Malleus excuses himself from the meeting. He doesn't return.

The second meeting that Sebek attends, Malleus shifts his chair just a bit closer towards his.

[stuckinapril]

hey cianna!! love to me anon here (i don’t know if you still remember me, but here’s to hoping!), and i wanted to ask. how do you know when you’re absolutely done. like, i’ve given everything i ever had to everyone i’ve ever met and it’s still not enough.. but. there’s always a “but” to my mindset and words, and even though i’ve tried to fix it over the past few months, it’s just not working. i don’t know what else to do nor fix anymore

I’m done when I see that the person is willing to put 0 effort into trying and nothing will change. I’m done when I realize that the person has checked out of a relationship (romantic or platonic) and at this point I’m chasing breadcrumbs just to feel like they really care. I’m done when I see they refuse to communicate about the problem. I’m done when all the sweet memories I have w them are from a long time ago rather than recent, meaning I’m clinging on to a version of them that no longer exists.

Have you asked yourself just why you’re willing to extend so much grace to people? I feel like it’s easy to say “bc I’m just patient” “I’m attached to them” etc etc but I have had this issue before, and on digging deeper I realized a big part of it was bc of the scarcity mindset. I was scared that I would not find any better if I were to cut them off, or I was attached to a version of them that no longer existed, or dysfunction was all I knew and I literally could not even conceive the idea of more healthy, more dynamic friendships. I’m not saying that you should liberally cut off anyone you don’t 100% mesh with, but you should really uproot the reasons as to why you’re okay with disrespecting your own boundaries over and over for people who’re not even willing to return the effort. For me it boiled down to insecurity.

To reiterate, I’m not saying you have to dramatically cut them off or anything. This really depends on a case to case basis. But at the very least, dedicate less of your time to those who drain your energy and more to those who nourish it. You will be so much happier for it.

[youremyheaven]

https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/757354769389109248/i-had-some-perspective-altering-sex-with-this?source=share

didi i am thats college anon i think you need tobtell your beauty secret or they mantra and tantra you are doing you are just attracting Venusian man like 🧲🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️ how... the half of eorld is mad for you spell the secrete didi ( i am tsking notes ) hehe 😈😈😈😈

I've been chanting mantras for years 😭😭😭so that definitely could be why. I worship one tantric Goddess who I feel deeply connected to and then I worship another non-tantric Goddess. I firmly believe we should worship who calls to us??? Like I felt called by her to worship her. SHE chose me.

Ngl my whole life, I've had guys go crazy for me 😌 and imo I wasn't as pretty then (as a teenager) as I am now as a 24yr old woman but over the years I've attracted men who would literally do anything for me 😭 and I'm pretty sure I mention the "he's been asking me out for a year, the other guy's been obsessed with me for 5years etc" but that's the thing, no one who's ever wanted me stops wanting me and I literally don't have to do anything. I don't talk to them. I don't go out with them. I give them absolutely nothing in return but now I realise that all these men are most likely Venusians bc nobody else will love you like that.

I've had all kinds of encounters with men and many have been unpleasant so it's not like every man I see is a lovesick Venusian who worships me or anything but yeah I am a magnet for Venusian men 😭😭😭

I've also been practicing tantra yoga for years now and I think my sexual energy is very well developed 😌and potent 😳

People who say things like "I attract the wrong kind of attention bc I'm sexy" are lowkey deluding themselves ngl, I'm not saying you'll never meet creeps (that's not something you can control) but well cultivated sexual energy (qi as the Chinese call it) makes people respect you and worship you. It's very powerful. There's a reason why ancient Indian temples have sexual iconography, it's because sexual energy is so potent 🤌

I've never deliberately tried to seduce men tbh. I won't lie, I've cultivated a certain amount of physical magnetism 😳 but I feel like the less I care or the less "bhaav" (attention) I give them, the more they want me. I don't do it on purpose. I'm just not someone who can text and call someone frequently, I really need my alone time and I HATEEEE talking about myself (ik I talk about myself a lot on this blog but if you pay attention you'll know how little I actually share) I hate being asked questions about my life 😭 even irl 😭 and I genuinely dislike the whole "getting to know someone" stage 😭 I feel drained sharing my inner world with others??? Irl I don't speak much 😭to most people and I prefer the company of those I can be comfortably silent with 😭 like I make small talk with many people and THEY share their deepest darkest secrets with me and I occasionally say TMI shit like I do on my blog but in general very few people could name 5 things about me lmao 💀 I think me being very private has made me more "mysterious" and "intriguing" (that's what I hear from people) and it increases the desire that one feels. The more hard to reach somebody is, the more you want them etc 👀

So the key is probably not being constantly available, not really caring about them, minding your own business, maintaining yourself and being conventionally feminine 🤌🤌🤌🤠

[lizzyaka]

I hadn't seen your blog since ages!!! And I really do love your takes because they are so different from others (and sometimes me too)

I did make a post about that Bunny wasn't sad about the farmer dying. It is how I interpreted it from the book. I do think Bunny was gonna eventually tell the police about it. I just don't necessarily think it was because he felt bad for the farmer's death. It was HIS friends who killed the farmer and that's what made him feel so guilty and go down the spiral.

If he was in the bacchanal with them and they had all accidentally killed the farmer, Bunny's not the type of person to turn himself in. He WOULD have done the same. He would have tried to save himself. He wouldn't have minded then if the farmer had died because he himself was involved in it

Even if this a hypothetical situation as you said, we don't know how Bunny will react to it.

It is clear he is more human than all the others and more capable of feeling remorse and empathy. But that doesn't mean in a situation where he is going to jail, he won't try to cover it up.

He will definitely feel more guilty than all the others did

They just went "oh well, what can we do"

Bunny would have eventually spilled the beans because of the humanity in him. Maybe to his gf or friends or anyone. Like he told Richard.

Bunny is STILL NOT morally superior in my eyes just because he wasn't directly involved in murder. It is because he wasn't involved that it makes it so much more grey.

We don't know a lot about Bunny in general.

What if he was involved in the death? Wouldn't he be in the same plane as them?

In this case they wouldn't kill Bunny, and they all would be in the same situation. Henry didn't kill Bunny cuz he was a sociopath.

They seem worse than him because they killed him but if they didn't, we won't consider them worse.

He would have done the same as they did but with more guilt and remorse.

To me it seemed like Bunny wasn't upset the farmer died but he was upset that his friends killed him, lied to him and hid their crime, that made him feel an intense amount of guilt on behalf of them.

That's all I want to say.

(I don't agree with all your opinions on TSH but I don't mean to hate on it 😭😭😭😭. I saw the post of you calling me out and felt I needed to explain myself. Again, I just wanted to give my opinions on Bunny, I know he is more hated than the rest and it's BAD. It's just we see so little of Bunny being good that you can't blame people for not liking him. My opinions of him have softened each time I re-read the book and he definitely didn't deserve to die as some people say)

Sorry for the long ask lol, I just had a lot of emotions 🤧🤧🤧

Im so sorry for the late reply really ive been suuuper drained and ive been waiting until i get my energy back to reply but days have passed and im still mentally and physically worn out and i just feel rude at this point😭 i really wish i could give a longggg reply bc i love yapping about tsh but theres a stopper in my brain that prevents the thoughts from flowing so ill leave this post here where i talk in length about this topic and why i dont think bunny could have ever been involved in the murder.

Anddd i dont blame people for not liking bunny!!! I think thats a very valid opinion. I dont think hes a good person but i love his character

And tysm for what u said abt my blog! I loveeee hearing opinions that differ from mine so pls feel free to debate me on my takes i find it really enjoyable <3 my interpretation of the book is after all just an interpretation and i love hearing how other people come to different conclusions based on the same text

And wdym by the post i called u out on? Im kinda confused on that bc i dont remember having called anyone out on my blog 😭 but sorry if u somehow felt attacked by one of my posts, it def wasnt my intention

[frecklystars]

i have felt absolutely nothing for any of my F/Os lately and idk if coming back online will help. ive been offline since April just queueing literally everything and occasionally coming online if i need to vent and then deleting it and going offline again. my situation really drained me of all of my energy, constantly feeling unsafe and unable to self ship really hurt me. feeling unsafe both irl and with my F/Os really hurts me and i cannot emphasize how damaging it is to feel so unsafe all the time so consistently for 2 years. but im trying so hard to figure out how to bounce back bc my depression is so severe if im not self shipping. so. what do i do here

idk how to uh, reignite a hyperfixation that's 99% gone. genuinely, what do you do if youre autistic and your special interest of one year is fading out? i dont want to replace it with something else + im so depressed i cannot replace it with something else if i tried. i just wanna feel better with my ryan F/Os again even if it's just a little bit. just enough to keep me going

what do i even do? stream a movie night? take ryan character drawing requests/commissions? roleplay with friends who have offered to make F/O accounts interact with this blog? uhhh... man i dont know. ive watched all of ryan's movies except his older ones, and those aren't going to reignite my hyperfixation since i don't have any new characters to self ship with there

its 6am im just rambling into the void and i havent slept. i just wanted to vent 😭 ill delete this later

[grimy-cat]

Hi! Mod Fenya / Pinkie here!

I'd like to request Rantaro, Shuichi, Kaito with a GN Reader with ADHD. I hope thats fine! (headcanons btw!)

(and ill explain what is adhd, ADHD is one of the most common mental disorders affecting children and this may last until adulthood. Symptoms of ADHD include inattention (not being able to keep focus), hyperactivity (excess movement that is not fitting to the setting) and impulsivity (hasty acts that occur in the moment without thought).

**Of course!! If I got my portrayal of ADHD wrong, please let me know!

Rantaro, Shuichi and Kaito with S/O that has ADHD

Rantaro

- Rantaro is a very patient man. He had 12 sisters.

- He is able to deal with many types of people, erratic, calm, childish, etc..

- That being said, he can most definitely handle your ADHD well.

- Rantaro likes to hear your ramblings, your current obsessions/interests..

- Just likes hearing your voice in general tbh

- He’s very observant and can tell whenever you get overwhelmed or overstimulated with your current surroundings and will help you get through it.

- Rantaro also will help you bring your attention back to important topics/tasks.

- Rantaro constantly reminds you to take care of yourself, make sure to eat, make sure to sleep because you seem to forget to do these things

- He also helps you understand things you don’t really get right away

- If you’re having trouble in school, wether it’s because you don’t quite get the assignments, you just forget to do them or you have trouble focusing on the assignment, he’ll help you!

- Rantaro constantly tries to make sure you feel comfortable, making sure that you’ll be fine

- There are times where you’re telling a story and then you go off topic and forget what you’re talking about, so he reminds you

“And then!- wait..did I go off topic?..”

“Haha..You were talking about the test, S/O.”

“Oh, right!”

- Even though Rantaro does get a bit overwhelmed himself sometimes, it doesn’t stop him from being there for you

Shuichi

- Shuichi is a calm person. He’s also semi quiet and often tries to keep his thoughts to himself.

- You, on the other hand, are the complete opposite.

- Constant energy, not able to stay still, difficulty focusing..

- It overwhelms him, it drains a lot of energy out of him.

- Now even though you constantly tire him out with your excessive movements, he does try to help

- Shuichi tries to simplify his thought process as much as he can so you can keep up with him.

“Uhm…huh?”

“Basically he was scared that he was going to get caught and that’s why he did what he did.”

“Oh!”

- He’ll let you fidget with his fingers with you need something to fidget with (although he’ll be a bit embarrassed bc…touch)

- He’ll also help you catch up on any late assignments or assignments that you haven’t done yet because you get distracted too easily

Kaito

- Kaito is very energetic and loud. He matches your energy well.

- Kaito is very passionate just like you with your interests!

- He’ll listen to everything you say with a smile on his face.

- He also gets mad at people who get frustrated with you.

“Hey! S/O’s trying their best!”

- I dont think Kaito is academically smart so he can’t help you there BUT

- Like in the game, Kaito can give good advice to you

- Kaito also can read people very well so he can tell whenever you get overstimulated and stressed out

- Kaito is an amazing supportive (boy)friend and he’ll always be there for you :)

[maya-custodios-dionach]

Congratulations to @gothicwoes for their post on steddie having a gomez/morticia dynamic that I IMMEDIATELY shared in our horny-on-main 18+ steddie server, and sent me going on a tangent going INSANE over Vampire Steve Harrington. I hope the excerpts I put in here are coherent, aaaahhh. Hope you enjoy my rambling, yall. Beware, LONG POST AHEAD!!

THOUSAND YEAR OLD VAMPIRE STEVE AND HIS 28YO BOYFRIEND EDDIE, WHO KEEPS CAMPAIGNING TO BE TURNED

steves all angsty about it while eddie is busy about fantasizing the shit he'd do once he's turned

he loved being a bloodbag, dont get him wrong, being drained of blood is hot, BUT ITS TIME TO PUT A RING ON IT

EDDIE'S CLINGING TO THAT VAMPIRE ASS UNTIL THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE

eddie's vampire moodboard is just morticia, which fits bc vamp!steve already treats him like gomez treats morticia

i love love LOVE couples where one is goth and the other is prep/pastel but the soft bright one is the vampire, that shit's so good

also its bc i think people who love and/or dress like a vampire would be turned on by being turned into a bloodbag tbh

all this to say, when steve finally caves and turns eddie, 100 or so years later, they have the same comfy domestic yet still obsessed with each other dynamic that gomez and morticia have

eddie tries to act like some old wisened vamp but steve over here humbling him like-

Eddie, putting on a morticia air and scaring dustin and the Party, who broke into their indiana vacation home to investigate shit: 😈

Steve, too old for this crap and just wants to blend in so that he can keep working as a social worker or some other mundane job: Eddie, la mia vita, you're only 150

Eddie, pouting: I'm an ancient creature of DARKNESS, love!!! * unconsciously stomps foot *

Steve, amused and distantly reminded of his daddy kink at his lover acting childish: You're very scary, amore mio, but let's wait for 100-500 years before that happens 💕

[Some response of another person in the discord talking about how Steve would hate Eddie talking about being an ancient being bc Steve HATES being reminded how old he is.] Wait, oh no, oh that's so much worse for him. I dread the day my sister becomes an adult and we only have a 7 year diff, holy SHIT, Steve just wants to be a normal boring job haver dammit

Ooohhhh, WHAT IF STEVE'S OLD AGE FURTHUR FEEDS INTO HIS LONELINESS AND ABANDOMENT ISSUES?!

SEE, THIS IS WHY VAMPIRE STEVE IS SO GOOD

He's too noble for him NOT to greatly consider him, all the while Eddie is constantly flinging his willing adult body towards him

Bc yk, he cares about Eddie's well-being and personal growt-

Eddie: BUT BABY, I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU FOREVER

steve, flustered but worried:

UGH

Dndkzms I just have SO MANY FUCKING FEELINGS about vampire Steve saying Fuck It to his lonely vampire life and blending in with human society and falling so deeply in love with humanity and passion and LIFE

Sure his other vampire peers shun him bc of it, but he doesn't care about those stagnant sleazebags who only think of themselves

Steve sees humans give birth, give life, give passion, give kindness, give HOPE, enact change and its so fucking BEAUTIFUL

It's why he's so fucking angry at the injustices of the world, but damn, those humans' PERSEVERANCE in face of those injustices is so AWE-INSPIRING

ESP THE CHILDREN!!!

Steve is so FASCINATED by watching these little creatures GROW and CHANGE constantly, he delights in their energy, their creativity, their curiosity, their camaraderie with other another

So much so that Steve created an entire fake history in order to pass for human and gets a Masters in Psychology and Anthropology or something

That's why he's so drawn to Eddie, like a moth to flame

Eddie had been through so much in his life but with the care of his Uncle, his band and his best friend chrissy, Eddie manages to exude so much fucking LIFE, it's INSANE

He's unpredictable, he's spontaneous, he's theatrical and he's always making sure that the people around him who like him really comfortable and entertained. And seeing him around people younger than him??? How could Steve do anything but fall?

[silkmothh]

Servitude journal: unmasking

Recovery is miserable. I've started showering standing up again, started cooking simple meals. Back on track with my daily meds, I even got Sirs medicine together this morning too ^_^ I've got my points back in the positive but I'm still struggling with remembering to check off my tasks after I've done them. Sir has been letting me... idk stack them? Checking the same task multiple times to cover the times I forgot.

I'm on my new work schedule, so I've been able to sleep a lot more, and I think that's helping. Saturday we went to my work picnic and although I got lots of little treats and some catering, we only stayed for about an hour. The 'feels like' was 97 degrees with 68% humidity, so even inside the shelter under the fans it was soooooo hot and I just couldn't handle the heat, the 200 coworks, another 3 dozen Randoms also at the park, the music, the bugs, the games UGH I had to leave

That night, I tried to unmask, but it's really hard at the end of the day. Sunday was easier, I just didn't put the mask ON lol. There's not much to talk about with not masking.

I got to talk in my normal, deadpan, voice.

I snacked most of the day instead of trying to make meals, I don't get food noise or hunger signals often, so healthy snacking throughout the day is encouraged.

I wore safe clothessssss

Played video games by myself and was not embarrassed!

Did the shower standing up! Vs sitting on a bath chair to wash my hair.

Showed Sir my new pokemon game and told him all about my team

Sir also took me clothes shopping bc I needed new work slacks and the house needed some odds and ends picked up, but my shirts haven't come in yet :/

Sir and I even played a little bit (a lot a bit) where I degraded myself to earn my orgasm, which I did ^_^ tbh I don't think he would have denied it and risked the spiral.

Not masking seemed to help a lot with my mental energy, although I'm still physically drained. As I'm writing this I have a slight stress headache but I'm closing so I haven't had to deal with a lot of people.

(VENT) And it's crazy how easy working is when your coworkers aren't a bumbling idiot and a miserable sack of shit, who never did any work or try to help any client with ANYTHING and the headaches are sparce bc that sack of shit isn't vaping in our shared office and the idiot isn't arguing with her adult children on the desk phone 🙃

[pianistbynight]

waning summer days

i cheated and recorded in sections, then spliced them together because i can't get a single clean take. if it's not me making a mistake, it's noise surrounding me. this way, the pressure was lessened and i think i did better (far from "perfect" tho) and it was less frustrating.

thursday | 08/15/24

no piano today. i'm tired. but i did read more of sweet bean paste and continued to work on the databases course. today was a bit chaotic, so i couldn't get 2h of studying in, but if i sleep early, i can maybe hopefully wake up earlier to work on it.

friday | 08/16/24

tried to play piano but then stopped because i got tired sooner than i expected. (also tried out a voice recorder app to record the piano audio instead of my phone camera but didn't like it...too much treble.) i finished 1 subsection of the databases course. caught up with @zzzzzestforlife. listened to some lofi and watched some youtube.

i'm trying to get myself in the mood to prep for the upcoming school year 😮‍💨 i...find myself dreading more and more each coming school year for some reason. ... it's not the work i fear. i know i can do it well but it takes so much of me. and i wonder what i'm doing this for. because i don't have all the stepping stones laid out yet. 😮‍💨 i need to work on that, so i'm going to sleep now so i can have more energy to continue doing this tomorrow. good night.

saturday | 08/17/24

i had a much more ambitious plan originally, but the only solo activity i actually had time and energy for was journaling because coming back to my hometown reminded me of and clarified some memories and opinions i had formed long ago, how they've shaped who i am now... the rest of the time i spent with family with real conversation for the first time in a while, so that was nice.

sunday | 08/18/24

sigh. i have never felt like i belonged in my former hometown and the loneliness is striking much stronger now. i was so tired i couldn't do much today except start filling in the YearCompass because who said the new year had to begin in january lol. i'm glad today was a chill day spent at my temporary home.

i will try to sleep early tonight. hopefully i won't wake up in between and be unable to fall back asleep again.

monday | 08/19/24

today was my first day of passable sleep quality in the last couple days. i woke up later than i expected. yet i still didn't feel like doing anything. i forced myself to do some duolingo for cheap dopamine, and later in the afternoon, i attempted to get through 1 more subsection of the databases course but couldn't focus. instead, i researched how to apply to take courses at another university in my area since there are some interesting courses there that aren't available at the one i attend. at night, i practiced the last bit of the clementi sonata and tried to record the whole thing but couldn't get a good one. i'm too tensed and distracted. i need to practice playing while relaxed, focusing only on what's relevant in the moment.

review U1 japanese, start hiragana practice ✅

work on databases course 🟨

practice piano ✅

tuesday | 08/20/24

fill in the YearCompass bc i'm too tired to journal unprompted and i want to be filled with hope for this school year instead of constantly drained and increasingly discouraged, disappointed, and depressed (why do so many negative things start with "d"? even the saddest songs are in d minor...)

practice playing clementi sonata while relaxed throughout and focused only on what's currently relevant

DATABASES COURSEEE - finish 4/13 subsections ✅ (ended up finishing 2 and starting a 3rd...this is harder than i thought it'd be but it'll be good for me to keep going...)

wednesday | 08/21/24

i don't even remember what happened. probably because i wasn't very productive. i was unusually angry and moody. i tried to record a single clean take and kept failing. i merely inched forward in the databases course. it was a day full of frustrating but necessary interruptions. it was tiring. i can't wait to go home.

thursday | 08/22/24

recorded the clementi sonata in sections...with more time and energy, i probably could've done better. almost 50% through the databases course. feeling a little better today than yesterday but always easily tired. this might be my last summer-themed post for the year as i'm already in an "autumnal mood." 🍂😅 i'll see you later either here or on my sideblog @studentbyday 🙂