#and literally EVERYTHING ELSE people online have said about this type of abuse happened. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cookiesupplier · 8 months

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Every Rose Has Its Thorns - Part Seventeen

pairing: Ricky Olson x ofc x Chris 'Motionless' Cerulli

warnings/tropes: slow burn, soulmates, strangers to enemies to lovers, betrayal, angst, fluff, smut, language, panic attack, stalking, online bullying.

summary: In a world where soulmates inexplicably receive a tattoo that will match that of their soulmate the moment they turn eighteen years old, being famous and covered in very visible tattoos can make finding your true soulmate a questionable fate. For everyone involved.

author’s note: Unbeta'd, readers beware as always lol.

tags: @tearfallpixie @cncohshit @jordynyingling0219 @faceless-mirror @nyxthedestroyerofworlds @wild-child-7747 @witchyweeb34 @black-damask1999 @jilliemiw86 @ilovesamkiszka @lyschko666 @lacktoesandtoddlerants @bngurngheart @collapsedglasshouses @laurpartyprogram

Rick knew he shouldn’t have done it, he knew he shouldn’t have, but he watched Grace’s live with Vinny. No, they didn’t unblock her, that would be ridiculous, but he had a throwaway Instagram account, and it was perfect for times like this. It was random enough, that as long as they didn’t say anything in the chat, and didn’t jump out or anything he doubted Grace would even pay attention to the name, he doubted Grace even knew about it. It was quite literally a scramble of letters and numbers.

Listening to Grace as she sobbed, and cried about her version of events, answering questions about everything that had happened between them, if he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t been the one to go through it, he would have believed everywhere she had said. If Vin hadn’t been sitting next to him, grabbing at his hands and stopping him, the things he was tempted to type in the chat. Oh, how thankful he was, that they’d thought to turn off voice recognition before the live had started, or he might have been screwed.

Even so, the live itself exposed Grace to Ricky even more than anything else had. It exposed even more of her obsession, not just with him, but with the whole band itself. For her claims of what Talia had done to her, to him, was almost precisely the same story, a play-by-play in fact, of what that stalker had done to Chris and his fiance so many years before he’d even met Gracy… Except for the fact that Ricky had never proposed to Grace.

There had been a question in the live about if Rick had asked her during the tour and that was why she was with them this year, so you know the fans knew the story was similar, not that she acknowledged it in any way, assuming obliviousness. No, Grace had just gotten bashful and said that he hadn’t, however, she had her suspicions that he had planned to before she had turned up. Then she had had the gall to lament that now they would never know if he would have or not, and boy, had that caused an uproar. Grace had certainly missed her calling, working in boring retail, when she could have been an actress, she could have made a killing. She certainly had him fooled for years.

It wasn’t until near the end of the Instagram live that she really let the worst of what she had to say drop. That Talia, this mysterious woman, that she was claiming to be Ricky’s stalker and FAKE SOULMATE, that had been the cause of him breaking it off with her, conveniently leaving out that she had been faking being his soulmate herself mind you, was conveniently Vinny’s soulmate’s best friend, and that they were in cahoots.

She ended the live with that. Vinny and Ricky’s pages both EXPLODED.

Not just Ricky’s Instagram, but also his YouTube and Twitter. Vinny’s discord was smashed and his mods had to shut that shit down, so many people had to be muted and a new rule was implemented that if anyone spoke out against Ava they would be instantly put indefinitely put in timeout until they could sort out what was happening. The keyboard abuse was rife and it was beyond a joke. Everything was mayhem.

Ricky was fucking pissed, now they had to sort out what to do, Grace knew where to hit them, she hadn’t just dropped a bomb, she hadn’t just attacked him, but Vinny too. He was pacing back and forth down the hall on his phone, contemplating what the hell he should do, while Vinny was sitting at his computer desk arguing with someone on his computer, when he heard a car make its way up the drive.

He was contemplating whether he should make a post, a video on YouTube, something, setting the record straight, something that Grace wouldn’t be able to explain away. Right now, the fact that everything she said had been done over a live was to her advantage, not that it wasn’t saved somewhere, these days some people screen-recorded everything. He’d already seen it flooding the band's message boards, and the mods trying to shut down the hate over it, that was coming from it.

Hearing laughter echo inside the house from the front hall, Ricky looked up, it was Talia and Ava getting back from the trip into town.

“Shit.. Vin, Vin.”

Moving back to his room where he was still talking with his mods about the idiots on his discord,

“Talia and Ava just got back.”

What they were going to tell them? He didn’t know, but it wasn’t like they could exactly hide this from them. Be as bad as trying to stick their heads in the sand after all, pretending none of this was happening, and it was, it was all fucking happening whether they liked it or not. Vin had told him that he’d talked to Ava about going public with their relationship, and if Ava knew, then so did Talia, hiding this would be impossible, it was going to be everywhere.

Rick took in a breath as he saw Ava and Talia walk around the corner, it was the first time he’d seen Talia since the bathroom, and his neck tingled just at the sight of her, that smile, if it weren’t for the pit of dread feeling like nothing but doom wanting to eat him alive right now…

“I should go.”

“No!”

Ricky glanced over towards Vin as he came out of the office.

“We need to deal with this, Rick.”

“Deal with what?”

Ava was all smiles until Vinny looked over at her, it was then she got a good look at the expression on his face, and she saw just how stressed he was. It wasn’t Ava that spoke next, it was Talia, and she wasn’t looking at Vinny as she said it.

“What’s going on, what’s wrong?”

Rick looked over to her, his eyes narrow, what? What was her deal? She shouldn’t be looking at him with concern like that. The words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them, she confused him too damn much, and it just, everything with Grace, it was pushing him, and badly.

“What the fuck do you care?”

“Rick!’

Looking over to Vinny,

“You know it involves her too, Grace named her, and considering she connected her to Ava, it won't be long until the fans find her.. You need to tell your side, man. You need to tell them what Grace did. That SHE was the fake soulmate, not Talia.”

“Wait, what?”

Ava exclaim,

“I thought you guys were doing your live, what has Grace got to do about this?”

Just like that, suddenly everyone seemed to be talking at once, looking between the three of them she couldn’t quite keep up. Talia was so lost as she looked at the three of them, so lost. From the sounds of it, there had been something planned that she hadn’t known about, something involving Vin and Ricky, which made her nervous, especially if Ava knew about it, but she didn’t. It also left a pit in her stomach because it made her wonder what else she was being left out of already in her friend's life, she knew she wasn’t as dialled in as she wanted her to be with this soulmate thing, but she’d still support her. She was here, wasn’t she? Why was she here, giving up her time, her work, her life, if it was just to be shuffled off to the side?

As she swallowed, she took in her breath, pushing that feeling aside, she was fine, it was okay, whatever was going on was so much more important than her, obviously. That was when her phone started to go off wildly with notifications for comments on some of her recent photos on her Instagram page, well, that was weird. Opening the first one, just one, and it was some chick cussing her out, with some carefully chosen language might she add, for being a homewrecker. What?

“Guy, GUYS, someone needs to slow down and start from the beginning as to what the hell has happened.. Because I’m being abused and called a homewrecker over here, and I’d really like to know why?”

Holding up her phone. She could guess why, and as much as she’d like to be proven wrong the looks on their faces told her she probably wasn’t. Talia would be willing to beg the universe that she was wrong, but the moment Vinny mentioned Grace before, Talia had gotten the worst feeling.

“Well, Vinny and I wanted to announce that we’re together, so he did an Instagram live, and he did it with Rick.”

Talia glanced at the man that she had been purposely trying not to, and failing not to think of since the party, and her tattoo tingled, the feeling dancing over her skin just from her glancing at him, twisting her fingers around her phone as it vibrated with even more notifications coming through. Shit.

“Okay, why would he need to do it with Rick?”

Her words were calm, and slow, as if she didn’t know the answer, but she wanted confirmation, she wanted to hear them say it since they’d decided to leave her out of something that had so blatantly involved her before now.

“I haven’t announced that I’m not with Grace yet, because it’s just, it’s been difficult.”

Alright, Talia nodded, shrugging slightly, that she understood, and she didn’t really blame him for it. Good news spread like wildfire, bad news hit like a lead pipe, and no one ever wanted to talk about it. Well, it would seem, an exception could be made if someone were famous and someone did a live claiming to expose their dirty secrets and lied through their teeth.

“Okay, so, wait, you told people you broke up with her in the live? You told them about me?”

“No! No no, soulmates weren’t mentioned with the breakup, the idea was that I’d talk about my breakup, and Vinny would go right into his news distracting everyone. It mostly worked, not quite, but mostly. Some people still commented on my page, but it was something, it was out there at least.”

He shrugged. That was not the problem, Talia looked between them warily,

“Okay, so, what went wrong?

“About an hour later, Grace did a live, and she spoke her version of events. How much do you know about the band's past with soulmates? How much do you know about Chris’ history with soulmates?”

Looking at Rick then as he asked, for once he didn’t sound like he was just going to spit hate at her, he was actually talking to her like a civil person this time, but that wasn’t what she was thinking about, she was thinking about some of what she knew of what Chris had gone through.

“I only know some of what Chris went through, I’m not one of those fans that go through your personal lives guys. He was stalked by a fake soulmate, he had a girlfriend, then he didn’t have a girlfriend, that's all I know. I’ve always tried to be hands-off.”

Looking at Ricky, she’d never wanted to be one of those creepy fans who became obsessed with them, not even when she figured out he was her soulmate. Anything she could have learned, she would have rather learned from them as people. There were times she read articles and still felt she violated their privacy with how they portrayed them.

He stared at her for a moment, well, shit. She definitely had more boundaries than most, a lot of fans loved reading everything they could get their hands on, and he wouldn’t judge them for it. The interviews they did for a reason.. It was the stalkers, and the people that wouldn’t leave them alone badgering them, that were a problem.

“Well, it gets a lot worse, but that is the basic layout, and Grace made it seem a lot like that, that you stalked me, pretended to be my soulmate, and I left her because I couldn’t handle it.”

Ricky, just as he spoke the words, felt a flare of heat through the skin of his tattoo, his eyes going a little wide because at the same moment that he felt it, the realisation hit him, Talia, despite looking away from him in obvious anger and frustration at what she was hearing, her hand had lifted to her neck, immediately to her tattoo. She was pressing her fingers to her soulmate tattoo, and when she did, that pain in his neck, shit, it reacted. The pain in his neck, it seemed to soothe.

Talia was just trying to breathe. She was just so angry, not at Rick, but at the whole situation. Okay, maybe a little at Rick, at Vinny, at Ava. They could have told her this was happening, they could have let her prepare herself at least a little emotionally for this starting. Sure, she didn’t think there was probably much she could have done aside from mentally prepare, maybe she could have locked her account, something.. But she would never know now. God, did she even want to check her profile for more comments? Damn.. how could they have not told her?! Right now it felt like she’d been hung out to dry and it made her, her, it actually made her angry, angry at not just Grace, but all of them too. Glancing away from all of them, she reached up to her neck, her tattoo surging painfully again.. Rubbing along the mark as covertly as she could.. Trying to make it look like she was just working out the stress kinks in her neck as she closed her eyes with a sigh. She didn’t need any of the others to know that this debacle, wasn’t the only insanity she was dealing with, but the one in her own head as well.

“Rick, you know I’m right, you have to say something, release a statement, a video, something.”

Vinny was speaking up, completely missing what Ricky was seeing, and Talia didn’t see him blinking a little at her either as she rubbed her neck at the sting of pain,

“Rick!”

His attention snapped back to Vinny,

“What?”

“We can’t let her get away with this, they’re already coming after Talia online.”

The problem was, it wasn’t Grace coming after her, it was their fans, if Grace came after her they could do something about it. Ricky could technically do something about it, legally, like get a restraining order. Then, like he said to Chris, he could claim Talia as his soulmate, and provide evidence of her stalking, and it would extend to her. However, the problem was, it wasn’t Grace, she had weaponized their fanbase, and they were attacking Talia for her.

“And me.”

Ricky looked over towards Ava who had her phone in her hand now, scrolling away. Vinny looking on in horror,

“What?!”

Talia’s voice had a tinge of outrage in her one-word outburst as she stepped towards Ava to see her phone, to look at the comments she was getting to. Rick barely held back the flinch at the much sharper sting through the tattoo this time, was she just angry, was the tattoo reacting to her strong emotions, or was it reacting because her emotions were aimed at him? Because if it was her emotions, why wasn’t it always reacting? Of course, now, now she had reason to be pissed at him, Grace was doing this to her, to Ava, because of him. He could do, he had to do, something.

“Fine. Fine, I’ll make a video statement. I’ll,”

He took in a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was going to do.

“I’ll tell my story about what she did to me.”

How she made a fool of him, and how she ruined how it felt for him to find his real soulmate. Glancing to Talia… well shit. Time to stop lying. He knew, and he hated it. He couldn’t be with her, because everything he felt now was just, it hurt. Furthermore, he looked at her, thinking about who she was, thinking about how perfect she probably would have been for him, and it was too fucking painful.

He didn’t just hate that she was his soulmate. He hated everything.

Shit, why did Chris have to be right?

dividers by @saradika-graphics

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bhobbiel · 6 months

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Given Anime and Movie Reaction

I watched it not knowing anything besides it was a BL story with a band, and the hair colors (orange and black) of the two protagonists. I feel grateful I did not know much else and I watched the anime first (I was hesitant to watch before reading but I am glad I did)

I have not read the story up to or past the movie and anime- so no spoilers

Spoilers about anime and movie below:

TW: death and suicide

Wow wow wow I have not cried at a piece of media in a while, but episode 9 wow. (To be fair I was an a bit of emotional headspace but still have not felt that specific bittersweet kinda cathartic but gut wrenching movie cry in a long time! Especially not by something new I watched)

Incredible song/singing/ voice acting for the concert scene

This is just notes more than fully fleshed written ideas

I have so much feelings thoughts and analysis. I am reading the manga but I am not to where the movie and show end in the story.

I partially want to read from beginning to understand more of Yuki’s story

On beach- will not remember in 10 years. Someone online said does this allude to Yuki not thinking they will know each other in 10 years alluding to possible suicidal . But it is something somewhat common sentiment people say

I estimate they have probably already been each others lives around 10 years by that point. I

Gut wrenching like tearing up just thinking about that whole concert and flash back scene

Film studies classes often use the montage in the movie “up” as a good use of montage and covering a lot of story in a short amount of time. I feel like this montage is also a good example of an emotional montage. Not to be embarrassing but thinking about episode 9 still kinda tears me up.

Im sorry but them holding hands of Mafuyu from the arrest, and not long after their (I interpret) possible first time having sex with that emotional intimate gesture and eye contact. Even the annoyed face from teasing that only happens after knowing someone for a long time

No one will know Mafuyu from his abuse to his best friend to first romantic love. As much as memory and forgetting is a repeating sentiment there are some relationships and experiences that define who we are and what we carry

It just showcases an irreplaceable relationship. They grew up together. They saw each other in childhood tragedy to a deep first love. They have a dynamic that is once in a lifetime. One where fhy

Guitar: curse and a beginning

One could an

“He wanted to write you a song, but you wanted him to say let’s make one together”

One interpretation: Yuki was working and saving money to get a guitar to write a song for Mafuyu so possibly feeling rejected felt like he was doing everything for him but he did not see it

Mafuyu literally Carries it like a weight and only plays it via new love and friendships. From being open again

The guitar is the reason they meet and have romance. The tragedy of one love directly leading to a new one

It reminds me of a sentiment often of older married couples where one dies. Of like the deceased spouse would “want you to find new love” instead of feeling guilty of romance after them

I don’t know if I feel like that it is a sentiment any of the characters or it would make sense for them to have that philosophy but just something that I was reminded of.

“ I am not lonely, friends at school, I like someone new… I wish I could tell you about it”

——-

Yukis death

Shocking, confusing,

Normal type couple fight? Or just to an outsider or to Mafuyu as well?

As a reader it made me feel those feelings that you logically/morally know are not “right” but you would actually feel in that situation.

Like who was at “fault”? Did Yuki have chronic secret mental health problems? Was it impulsive? Was dying an over reaction to a cruel comment? Was it a real idea of proving devotion?

Would he be alive if Mafuyu did not say that? Did he really believe Mafuyu would not try to repair their relationship and took his comment to heart instead of trying to work it out?

I don’t get the feeling there was this super intention of making his loved ones feel guilty. There was love in his life

I am not saying these are “good opinions or questions” but they are real. It’s like going around in circles

It makes you go through the stages of grief and confusion that suic*de can specifically envoke. The confusion the anger the unresolved ness

Would something similar happen down the line even if he was not told that in that moment? Aka if they broke up later or if he was overall prone to suicidal ideation ?

It is interesting that Yuki mom gave guitar to him shows a lot

——-

The movie was more like ooof emotional in that young(ish) adult toxic learning curve romance. The anime was more objective tragedy and showed a once in the life time relationship that was cut too short in such a tragic way. It also showcased “firsts” which has a different feel both as a tragedy and just overall feel. I am young enough for the “firsts” feeling to not feel too far away and what that vulnerability feels like.

The movie (if you are a young adult) feels like a mirror of the pain and learning curves of romance of the clunkiness of your 20s. It’s the feeling of watching your friend make mistakes or you making your own in ways that feel overwhelming. I mean damn they showed that toxic on and off again dynamic omg.

Eventually it showcases I believe both the maturity and immaturity of romance (esp 20s). Both the outward facing personality and qualities one showcases and they more vulnerable truths not everyone sees

#given anime #given movie #given manga

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thetruthaboutnolan · 9 months

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IF WOTNA WAS SO BAD THEN WHY DID YOU STAY FOR SO LONG?

It’s a two prong answer really. Firstly, was G. His abusive and controlling tendencies didn’t show themselves at first. Ever since my first day there we were literally talking all day everyday. We plotted, and we posted so much and so quickly that hitting the daily posting limit was something we did multiple times. From conversations with him I can say we both felt that each other were the very reason we even had muse for our characters and a drive to post within minutes of getting a reply and for most of the day. The second he would get online it was he something of a race to see which of us messaged the other and started today’s conversation.

The other reason believe it or not, was that I had no idea I was even in drama til a couple of months after I joined. When speaking to me, G never brought up any issues or negative feelings. He was happy to see me on and to post with me. Occasionally he’d ask I change my reply a little but never said anything other than and at most ‘it would make replying to you easier’ if I did change something. The complaints he was giving Admin M we’re done privately and her taking that info and twisting it into something far worse as ‘she knows that’s what he really meant’ was all done on a private Skype group she has for staff and their friends. I didn’t really pay attention to the staff and a few people never replying to my starters or taking weeks to reply when I made a post for their starters. And I spoke with and seemed on friendly terms with the people I had been threading with.

G told me he only complained that I made MY OWN character do to many things in a post which made him feel forced to reply everything and o was ‘controlling’ the thread that way. That he only did so two or three times. But Admin M admits that those ‘in the know’ were discussing it almost daily as G and I were replying to everyone else but each other so quickly that we took over the dash a lot. Despite them all joking and knowing that G can pop out paragraphs for a single reply with a couple of minutes and that I could do the same. They saw this happening as him being forced. The double standard started to kick in. If G posted all his replies for others then did 10 back to back posts to me within 12 minutes since he had no other replies then he was ‘great, awesome, such a quick poster, etc etc’ if I did the same with the same circumstances. I was ‘taking over the dash, bubble posting, forcing him to reply only to me, etc etc’ so they were talking about us daily, everything I did was thrown in a negative light based off what Admin M was telling them since she ‘knew what G was trying to tell her but was too nice to really say’. But no one ever even gave a hint of this to me or publicly. The handful who were involved in this gossiping simply didn’t say anything.

It took two months before it boiled over enough on their end that I started to notice more and more were refusing to post with me. If I said something in the Skype OOC then someone would do those one word postings to make you have to scroll to see what I wrote. Think ‘oh my god look what just happened on in my thread’ not written as a sentence but each single word wrote, sent, and continued til the sentence was done. G of course was mostly acting normal with me the only sign of the drama behind the scenes was when I did one of their ‘anon Fridays’ you know the type where you ‘ask me anything and I reply in character’ or from a list of prompts. While it’s answered in character it’s either not canon or just fun with the characters actually using these questions and answers being either meta gaming or just not allowed. The anon that triggered the first sign of G’s abusive side? I was asked (later told Lianne had sent it) “G’s Character, can be such an asshole sometimes can’t be?” My reply in character “he can be a bit dickish but he has that hard ass strong silent type of personality to most. It takes a little time to get passed that and see the real him.”

This was the first time that G let his abusive side come out. He tried to make a thread for us off of those anon but I wouldn’t allow it as it’s not canon and meta gaming if he makes it knowledge for his character. So he just hurled insults at me about myself then about my character. This went on for nearly 40 straight minutes of him just sending me messages on Skype insulting and belittling me. An hour later he would apologize and tell me he was just getting hounded by others over it and was mad at them but let it out on me. And he WOULDN’T DO IT AGAIN. Those of us who know abusers know what it means when you hear these words. But I also still had to delete the post or he’d cancel our plot as he couldn’t understand why my character would even think that canon or not.

That was when no one was holding back anymore the gossip and their apparently hatred for me that they were all keeping private came out fully. After that it was both me not wanting them to bully me out of the group that made me not leave that and G. He would always convince me that the others didn’t matter, he loved to post with me and I was the main reason he always had muse for his character. He even had me back him up in getting a character that staff didn’t want to allow. He ended up getting the character which he only kept for a like 3 weeks by the way. Gage issue G has that started it all only lasted a couple of weeks as well and when he wasn’t being abusive he was being his normal self that constantly would message me and talk to me for hours and post for hours. So I stayed til it got to be too much and ultimately caused me to try and kill my self.

So in the end one gossiping admin who dramatized a complaint a ‘friend’ made and only had for a couple of weeks effectively turned an entire group against a single person because….. she knew better? I don’t get it myself or why literally no one said anything and just kept everything to themselves until they were given a ‘sign’ to go ahead and bully me. They were all very immature back then. While I kept things between me and G, but they clearly didn’t and invented their own stories things just got worse. Whenever they would piss off other members who left and would troll them they instantly would say it was me as I was the one who was there or the only one who THEY had an issue with even though I was clearly ignoring them and their bullshit. Only to completely change the story when presented with evidence of who was really trolling them or when someone they didn’t expect suddenly posted in all their tags about their character theft, then all their trolling was blamed on that person now.

Now while this drama completely blindsided me I guess you can say I wasn’t completely innocent when defending myself. I demanded that the staff no longer post about my character in the gossip blog as they did so only to attack both the character and me. I accused the staff of stealing my character ideas as I submitted a few want ads that never got posted but Admin M’s character suddenly had a power boost that mimicked the powers I was suggesting for one of them. Then one in the clique also made a character that was surprisingly similar to another. I also ended up first messaging Lianne about what was going on which she later told them I was harassing and insulting her in it when screen shots showed it was literally for messages my ‘so what’s going on’ her ‘what do you mean’ me saying what I’m seeing. Then her replying ‘I had no idea’ then me just never replying because I knew she was lying. I then blocked her on Skype on all her blogs from mine which drove her up the wall. I guess my actions combined with Betsy and Sam trolling them which they blamed on me that I HAD TO GET PROOF OF to disprove drove them to their dramatics at the time.

In truth, the place was just toxic. It was a bunch of then early to mid twenty year olds who just wanted to smut all day. Who were bored with anything else and made drama OOC because they didn’t have enough IC drama or something? Even today a good chunk of the people that ‘heard of me’ talk to me and tell me how toxic that place was and how they would love to mix it with my own group and post together as they saw I was pretty good at it. Most of them are in one of my current groups but some still low key wanna merge WOTNA with my old group and continue our characters from back then. Though they seemed to have settled with WOTNA having been a past timeline in my groups world which we got to visit a few of them. Making it so the group I had here and its original jcink forums version were also past cycles in the timeline kind of like how Battlestar Galactica had that history repeating thing going through its timeline.

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spine-buster · 3 years

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Patience is a Virtue ft. Matthew Tkachuk | 𝒫𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒸𝑒

gif credit @czarniks

CONTENT WARNING: this story deals with cults, polygamous cults, escaping cults, strict adherence to religion, gender roles, abuse, miscarriage, and a character with a traumatic past. Please be warned.

Word Count: 2,899

A/N: Was I really going to name the epilogue any thing else?

* * * * *

Effie had been quiet lately. When Matthew said ‘quiet’, what he really meant to say was not all there, and when he said ‘not all there’ what he really meant to say was that she was there, with him physically, but her mind was somewhere else. She had these bouts from time to time. Effie was always going to be a work in progress, and that meant sometimes she’d regress instead. He knew that when he signed up to be with her ten years ago now. He knew that when he raised the idea of buying and building a house together seven years ago, and she said no. He knew that when he raised the idea of buying and building a house together six years ago and she said no. He knew that when he raised the idea of buying and building a house together five years ago and she said no. He knew that when he raised the idea of buying and building a house together four years ago and she said no. He knew thar when he raised the idea of buying and building a house together three years ago and she said yes. He knew that when they moved in to said house two years ago. Some bouts were long, some were short, but he always noticed them.

This was another one.

She usually came around. Well, actually, she almost always came around. She’d ask something or propose an idea and Matthew would learn or realize why she was so withdrawn, why she was so quiet. Sometimes they were simple, and a short bout: “I want to change the menu at the bakery.” Sometimes they were vastly more complex, and a long bout: “I know Chantal’s okay with me not having kids, but what about Keith?” She’d get stuck in her head a lot. And with someone with so much to learn, as someone who was quite literally going through life learning by doing, it was almost a guarantee this would happen, considering what she came from.

But Matthew was there. Always.

As he spooned her in bed, he could feel how distant she was. He could practically feel her mind racing and refusing to slow down despite it being late at night. Matthew placed a small kiss on her shoulder. “D’you want to talk about it?” he offered.

Effie turned around so she was now facing him. He could see the worried look in her eyes and started to worry himself. She took a deep breath. “Would you want to marry me?”

Matthew licked his lips, and without hesitation, he nodded his head. “Yes.”

Effie looked away, almost ashamed. “I had it in my head that you wouldn’t want to because I’ve been married before,” she whispered.

A regress. Inevitable. Effie’s mind was a complex ocean. “You were never married,” he said firmly. “But if you want to get married, I’d love to marry you. We could do it however you wanted.”

“What about our marriage?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’d get married, but what would our marriage be like?”

Bad memories, obviously. The last time she was a “wife” it wasn’t a marriage at all. It was practically a hostage situation. An abusive relationship. “Do you like our relationship how it is now?” Matthew asked.

Effie nodded her head. “I want it to stay like this,” she said.

“Then that’s what our marriage will be like, too,” Matthew assured her.

***

“I don’t know what type of ring I like,” Effie mumbled on the phone to Geneviève as she picked at her lunch, a poppyseed bagel she’d made with a generous spread of lox and cream cheese. Geneviève was in Sweden, like she was every summer, with Jacob and her twins. Though they’d be back in a few weeks for the season, Effie couldn’t hold off talking to her. She never really could.

“Why would that matter?” Geneviève asked.

“Matthew and I talked about getting married.”

There was silence on the other end of the call before Effie heard the dial tone. She thought the call dropped – it did that sometimes, especially when Geneviève was in Sweden – but then her phone was vibrating all over again, and it was a FaceTime request instead of a simple phone call. Effie couldn’t help but smile as she accepted the call.

“You and Matthew WHAT?!” Geneviève shrieked, holding the phone too close to her face.

“Um…yeah,” Effie nodded. “We talked about it a few nights ago in bed. I asked him if he would want to marry me and he said yes.”

“Effie, Matthew’s probably wanted to marry you since he told you how to pronounce tomahawk. What made you think he didn’t?” Geneviève asked.

Effie shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know…” she said. “I just—last time I was married, it wasn’t a good marriage.”

“You were never married,” Geneviève deadpanned. It was good to know she thought the same thing as Matthew. “But besides that—has Matthew been anything like him in these past ten years?”

Effie shook her head. “No way.”

“Then what makes you think he will when you’re married?”

Effie knew Geneviève was trying to make a point – and a good one – but Effie was, for some reason, still apprehensive. “He comes home soon,” she said. “I’m going to talk to him more about it.”

Geneviève nodded in understanding. “Just remember that you deserve happiness, however that comes to you,” she reminded Effie. “And remember, Effie – you can choose happiness, too. You can choose to overcome a fear and make yourself happy.”

***

Effie searched all about engagement rings until she heard the garage door open and Matthew step into the house. He’d been at the gym, and his own lox and cream cheese bagel was waiting for him in the fridge. “Hey,” he called out from the laundry room.

“Hi.”

“Whatcha up to?”

“Uh, looking at engagement rings.”

He was silent. Silent until he rounded the corner and Effie saw him emerge from the hallway that led to the laundry room, his gym bag slung over his shoulder. “Engagement rings, huh?”

“Mhm,” she nodded, adjusting herself in the bar stool. “There’s so many different styles.”

Matthew looked at her skeptically, dropping his gym bag before walking over to her. “There are…” he began. “But you should look at a style or styles you like, and then we can bring it to a jeweler.”

“A jeweler?”

“I’m not gonna get you just any ring, baby. It’s gonna be custom made,” he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Effie’s research told her that custom made rings were the most expensive types of rings. While there were so many pretty styles online, custom was definitely something to aspire to for many people, even thought it was out of reach. “You’d get me a custom ring?”

Matthew looked at her. Without saying a word, he leaned back into the barstool beside her but grabbed hers and scooted it closer to him. “Will you please talk to me?” he asked softly, but needily. “You know I’d get you a custom ring. You know I’m gonna let you get any dress you want and have whatever kind of wedding you want. You brought up marriage but the questions you’ve been asking me…Effie, it’s as if you think I don’t love you.”

“That’s not—no,” she shook her head, stuttering out her words. “I’m sorry, Matthew. I don’t mean it to be like that. I know you love me.”

“Then what’s with the questions?”

Effie took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with Matthew until she knew she had to talk. “This is what it was like last time.”

Matthew’s heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. “What do you mean?”

“Abraham was nice before he abused me. He promised me so many things. And I know you’re not him—you’re nothing like him—and I’ve—I’ve told you that for ten years but—”

“—Effie, if this is too much for you, we don’t have to get married.”

Effie began shaking her head. And when she began shaking her head, tears started to well up in her eyes, and as they welled up, they fell down her cheeks. She tried wiping them away but Matthew beat her to it; she was so ashamed she couldn’t even look at him. “But everybody gets married. Look at Brady. And Taryn, even.”

“Effie…we’re already in a committed relationship that’s like a marriage anyway. I’m devoted to you, and you’re devoted to me…we—we live together, we act like we’re married anyway. If you don’t want to change that then you don’t have to.”

“Yes I do,” she stressed.

“Why?”

“I do because I want to do something for you. You’ve been doing things for me for ten years and I know you want this. I know you want to get married. So I want to give that to you because you’ve given me so much.”

“You giving me yourself is enough. You know that. You’re enough,” he said.

“I know,” she nodded. “But marriage is a celebration of love. It’s a celebration of love. And I want to celebrate our love. I just have to get it through my thick skull that marriage isn’t a punishment, it’s a celebration.”

Matthew nodded his head, giving her a quick kiss on the nose. “Want me to call Dr. Barlow? We can work on this together.”

Effie nodded.

***

Half a year later, Effie couldn’t stop staring at the rock on her finger. It glimmered in even the shittiest light. She was sure Matthew had something put in it to make it shine so much, but he kept denying it. Geneviève loved it. So did Jenna. So did Annica.

“But do you?” Matthew asked her.

She nodded. The second he slipped it on to her finger, everything became real. Everything. She’d never had an engagement ring before. She never had a testament to her partner’s love for her. And here it was now, on her finger, ready for her to wear for the rest of her life. Matthew gave it to her. Her Matthew. Nobody else but her Matthew.

***

“Oooooooh, Effie,” Chantal’s eyes lit up as Effie walked out of the fitting room of the small bridal boutique in St. Louis they went to on a whim. Taryn’s jaw dropped in quick succession as Effie walked out and stood on the platform in front of them, a three-panel mirror showing her every angle of the dress. She watched Chantal through the mirror. “Oh Effie, this is stunning.”

“Do you think Matthew will like it?” she asked.

“Matthew’s gonna bawl,” Taryn interjected, causing everyone to laugh. “I’m about to bawl!”

Effie looked at herself in the mirror, patting down the fronts of the dress, even though it fit her like a glove. Despite trying on some dresses already while out with Jenna and Geneviève, she didn’t get the same butterflies in her stomach as she did seeing herself in this dress, now, even though this wasn’t planned. It was the first one Effie chose for their consultant to pull but the last one of the three she tried on, and it was the most beautiful. She loved everything about it: the eyelet organza, the corset bodice with exposed boning, the A-line skirt with pockets.

The ivory.

The consultant puffed out the skirt for her, letting it fall behind her dramatically. Effie was quiet as she watched Taryn eye the consultant and say “We need a veil” before the consultant left them alone. Chantal was covering her mouth at the point, admiring the dress but also as a mechanism to stop herself from crying, probably. Effie pat down the front of the dress again, her heart beating in her chest. “Chantal?” her voice was small.

“Yes sweetie?”

“I can wear white, right?”

Chantal nodded automatically. So did Taryn. “Of course you can. You were never married,” Chantal said.

“Even if you had been,” Taryn piped in, “it’s your wedding. You can wear whatever you want.”

***

Matthew held Effie’s hand as they sat on a couch in Dr. Barlow’s office together, talking through Effie’s trepidations of marriage and expectations as a wife. Effie knew that the only reason why she was having trouble with all of this was because of her past experiences; when she thought about it, deep down, she wanted nothing more than to marry Matthew. But her mind was a funny thing – it always was – and that’s why they were here. Matthew had been patient in waiting for her to agree to buy a house and move in together; he’d been even more patient in not asking her to get married but letting her make the decision herself. Now it just all came down to this – the working through the nitty gritty things, the things that still plagued her mind – so she could go into the marriage in the healthiest way possible, just like their relationship was. And she was going to see it that way. It helped her immensely to see it that way. This is just an extension of our relationship. This is a celebration of our love.

“Have you given thought to any popular wedding or marriage traditions that the two of you would want to follow or not follow?” Dr. Barlow asked.

“Like what?” Matthew asked.

“Effie, will you be taking Matthew’s last name?”

Effie looked at Matthew before squeezing his hand quickly and nodding. “Yes,” she said confidently. “I’ll become Effie Tkachuk. I met this woman through hockey – her husband plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs – her name is Bee Rielly. She took her husband’s last name and she said the reason why she took it was because she had no connection to her maiden name, McTavish, because she had no real family and her mom was an alcoholic and it only really reminded her of that. Considering her background, she wanted it gone, and I feel the same way.”

Matthew squeezed her hand back. Dr. Barlow smiled and nodded her head. “It’s great that you’ve met someone like that, that can help you see these kinds of things in that perspective,” she said. “Are you having a church wedding?”

“No,” Matthew took this one. Even though he and his siblings went to Catholic schools, religion wasn’t a huge part of their lives. “Just an officiant. We actually already have her booked.”

Dr. Barlow nodded again. “Effie, how do you feel about the tradition of someone walking you down the aisle? Levi? Matthew’s dad, perhaps?”

Effie shook her head vehemently. “I love them, but no,” she said. “No way. I’m entering into a marriage freely and I’m making the decision. Nobody is giving me away.”

Matthew smiled. “And that’s that on that.”

***

The more that Effie planned, the more she got to experience what normal wedding planning was like. It was stressful, sure, but it wasn’t your-mom-telling-you-that-you-were-going-to-marry-a-55-year-old-when-you-were-fourteen-years-old type of stressful. It wasn’t an I-don’t-know-anything-about-being-a-wife-I’m-only-fourteen-years-old type of fearful. It actually wasn’t fearful at all. The more decisions she made about how she was going to marry Matthew, the more excited she became. Decisions about flowers, about table coverings, about décor, about music, about food. Her favourite was taste-testing cakes samples with Matthew. Every time they tasted something Matthew would always say, “It’s not as good as your cakes” to her.

Every. Single. Time.

***

Between family, friends, and teammates, there were about 130 people at the wedding. Effie wore her dress, tailored to perfection, and the veil – long and regal and cathedral length, because the only day it was socially acceptable to wear a veil that long was on your wedding day, and Effie was going to take full advantage of it. They did a first look and Matthew cried. He cried again when she walked down the aisle by herself.

When Effie stood holding hands with Matthew, reciting vows to each other, she thought about the past ten years. She thought about the person she was when she met him at Noah’s birthday party. She thought about their Starbucks meetings and him teaching her about corn dogs and candy and frappucinos. She thought about how different she was from then till now, and that though the past still affected her, and crept up on her from time to time, she had been strong back then, and was even stronger now, and that made her proud of herself in a way nobody else could understand. Not even Matthew. That she stood here with him, marrying him, making the choice to marry him, spoke volumes of her progression. It spoke volumes of the person she had been, the person she was now, and the person she was becoming. She was always a work in progress.

Matthew was there for it all. There to help her, there to guide her through it. There to help her achieve her dreams and expose to things she never thought possible. Lake Louise. Moraine Lake. The Bahamas. Europe. St. Louis. Confidence. Trust. Love.

“I love you,” he whispered to her when their vows were done, rubbing his thumb over the backs of her hands.

“I love you too,” she whispered back. Freely. Meaningfully. Deeply.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife!” the officiant beamed.

For the first time in her life, Effie was married.

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lozzypoz321 · 4 years

Text

Word count: 1235

A/N: someone requested this in a comment and I can’t remember who it was but here it is!!

Warnings: anxiety, mentions of abuse,

Steve Rogers daughter with fire powers headcanon

You had been made as an experiment.

Made in HYDRA. They’d given you fire powers to battle with

You had spent most of your childhood there

You had never known your father as a young childhood

Although you’d always had Bucky as a father figure

Whether he was under control or not, he never harmed you

Once Steve had found you one day in a base (after TWS) he had two different feelings

Part of him was happy he had a daughter

The other side of his brain was telling him to push you away so he didn’t mess up as a dad but he knew that wouldn’t help

And anyway, Bucky would personally beat him up if he even considered giving you up

Before long he found out you had powers

He didn’t find out straight away as you didn’t like using the fire

It was quite funny really, you were afraid of yourself and what you could do

But before long Loki, himself had helped you gain control and be comfortable with it

After that it turned into a game

The team knew you could do damage with it; you could light up the whole of New York if you wanted to

So it was safe to say they were on edge when you got angry

One time Sam had stolen your camera and erased all of its footage and your eyes started to glow red

Everyone was stood back in the furthest corner of the room, afraid you would set them aflame

All except Bucky

He knew you wouldn’t hurt anyone, he’d known you since a baby and everything you did was to try to help people. No matter whether they’ve caused you pain or not

So he knelt in front of you, his hand reached out close to yours as if asking for permission to touch you

And to everyone’s surprise, instead of killing someone, you burst into tears, reaching forward and bringing the soldier into a hug.

Sam felt bad after that for making you upset

Something else that scared the team was when you casually clicked your fingers, alighting a fire and then putting it out again, just casually.

They had a reason to be scared though.

Many times (on accident of course) you had lit people on fire by them just making you jump

It was a natural reaction.

You’d never been to school before so to say it was a relief when your dad said you could be homeschooled online was an understatement

It wasn’t that you didn’t know anything

No.

Tony and Bruce were there to teach you when you grew up in the tower

It was that other children were at schools and you thought they wouldn’t take kindly to someone who could turn them into a human torch with one click of a finger

The more you grew older the closer you grew to your father

He was there for you when you started to become distant from the hate you were receiving online

He was there when you struggled with training and started to give up on yourself

He was there when you had to stay in the towers hospital for two months after you’d accidentally burned yourself through your skin, nearly reaching the bone

He wasn’t, however there when Peter accidentally pushed you off the roof

You were very thankful that day that Tony’s suites were always on standby

Bucky and your dad were furious

Wanda had to literally put a protective bubble around the teenager to stop them both from launching at him

You were sure that they wouldn’t even think about actually doing it if they weren’t drunk on anger

The back of their minds was nagging them to think about what would’ve happened if the suite didn’t catch you.

If you weren’t here with them right now.

Neither of them wanted to even entertain the idea in their heads

Without failure, Fridays were the best days to be at the tower

Thor and Loki came back from Asgard to play board games with you

Peter spent the night there so everyone could play Wii after

And Sam brought over some of his homemade pancakes for everyone

You all ate them after the takeout though

Everybody always ended up in an abundance of blankets on the sofa though without even realising

Your dad loved to have Thursday dinners with just the two of you

Sometimes letting you alight the stove with your fire powers

You both tried to be as honest as you could with each other

Although sharing emotions wasn’t exactly your strong point

Especially when it came to being scared

One night the power had gone off, meaning most of the tower was technically useless

It also didn’t help when 30 minutes later it started thundering

Apparently, Thor couldn’t do anything about it

So there you were, alone in your bedroom shaking like a baby, as the thunder sounded from outside

You probably wouldn’t have been found if your dad hadn’t have come in to ask you to use your powers to cook the chicken on the stove as the power was out

But when he did, he instantly rushed over

Dropping the packet and kneeling in front of you

Tears stained your cheeks as he gently wiped them away with the pad of his thumb

He, or any other member of the team, didn’t know about your fear of thunder and lightning, so it was a surprise to him but he tried to mask it by being calm for you

“it’s okay, you’re safe doll”

Once you’d calmed down, he returned the food downstairs and instead grabbed some movies to drown out the noise from outside and some ice cream

You both watched Harry Potter films for the next couple hours, eating until the storm would blow over

Halfway through, Clint had come looking for the two of you

He didn’t expect to see you both wrapped up in blankets and snoring softly with Sirius Blacks voice sounding in the background

Nobody was better than you at monopoly

If there was a game (which was unlikely as they all knew what the outcome would be) then you would easily win

It also caused a lot of drama in the compound

“HOW DARE YOU!”

“WE ARE FAMILY. YOU CAN’T JUST PUT ME IN JAIL”

“ACTUALLY, I THINK I JUST DID.”

One time Thor actually threatened to bring thunder down on the tower if he didn’t get his house

That certainly shut you up

“Why are you guys so damn loud?” You asked with a groan

“Language (Y/N)” Bucky scolded making Steve narrow his eyes at him

“One time man”

When you first went on a mission, you were forced to go with your uncle Bucky and dad

They didn’t let you out of their sight the whole time

Which you supposed was fair enough since you were known to be accident prone

“(Y/N) stay behind Buck” your dad ordered in his captain voice as you all readied to bust into an experiment room

They were one of the most protective pair in the universe

But they were proud of how you grew up and handled being enhanced

Everyone was.

@marvel-ous-hobbit @snarky--starky @rae-is-typing @stargazingfangirl18 @canadianhufflepuffavenger @herecomesthewriterwitch @every-marveler-ever @hera-the-writer @lovers-in-japan-reign-of-love @just-one-ordinary-fangirl @xbongox @rooskaya-yelena @deephideoutmilkshake @kidney9-9 @js3639 @am3l1a-24 @bonkybarnes107 @ilovemarvel-andcats @vickcat (lined through are untaggable)

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btsslowburnfic · 4 years

Text

The Arrangement Chapter 11

Series Summary: Desperately in need of money, you answered the questionable ad. AKA-Arranged marriage AU featuring Y/N and Yoongi.

Chapter Summary: You and Yoongi each share a little of your fucked up pasts

Previous chapter here

----------

The two of you entered the studio. Yoongi headed for the desk chair. "You can take the couch."

You gave him a bottle of water and pulled the gimbap out of your purse, handing one to him.

"Thanks. Now do you see why I don't go to those meetings?" He began to tear the wrapping off the gimbap.

"Yep. That was brutal. They literally just read off of the PowerPoint slides." You took a bite of your food.

Yoongi scrolled through his phone. "We should go shopping tonight. The stores will be packed tomorrow and Sunday."

"I don't mind. I can just go tomorrow or something."

He looked over at you. "I don't do crowds. Let's go tonight."

You sighed, it was clear you weren't winning this argument. "Sounds good. What time will you get done with work today?" You asked, glad some of the negativity was fading from him.

"I need to do some producing. But I'll try to take a break at 7 and then we can go shopping."

You almost died a little at how normal and domestic this all sounded. A small part of you wanted your life to be so different from the fucked up life you had experienced as a child. This could be your life. This could be it. It's fake. I don't care.

"OK sounds good." you finished up your sandwich. "I'm off to continue answering questions that people could easily look up online."

"Better you than me," he said.

You stuck your hand out for the sandwich wrapper and sighed. "Yep. It’s definitely not work befitting Min Suga genius." You teased as you exited the studio.

Yoongi smiled and turned around to face his computer. What the fuck was happening? Two days in and he had already bought you towels and was getting ready to go grocery shopping with you. Might as well skip to the wedding at this point, he thought jokingly. At least then someone else would have bought the towels for you.

---------------

Yoongi picked at his cuticles, his alarm was set to go off in a few minutes. He had done some mixing, but for the most part he ended up writing. He had been very inspired lately for lyrics. Usually it was the beats that came more easily to him and he had to seek out experiences for his lyrics. But lately he had so many feelings and experiences just itching to come out.

He was worried after that night at the bar that you would distract him from his job but so far he had found the opposite to be true. He was thinking about you less because he knew you were in the office or the apartment. He wasn’t wondering what you were doing all the time. Not that he cared. Not that he had thought about you all the time. And it was nice to have someone answer emails and calls, and deliver coffee.

He turned his alarm off preemptively and stood up. He exited the studio. There was no one left on the 14th floor. That wasn’t unusual. He stopped by your desk. It was totally empty. He frowned. How could a person the same age as him have only 2 bags of belongings he wondered. He took out his phone.

YG: What’s going on with Ms. [YLN] work laptop? I see it hasn’t arrived yet. She needs it immediately to help coordinate my collaborations. Additionally, she needs appropriate stationary.

JW: Of course Mr. Min. I will follow up with the IT department immediately and let you know. As for the office supplies I can provide her with some basic stationary immediately. If you require personalized stationary the lead time on orders is 2 weeks. I can send a link to have you/her look over it.

YG: Thank you Jiwoo. Please do that.

Satisfied with himself, he put his phone back in his pocket and headed over to the elevator. He got in. A girl he recognized as Alice, Jin’s main stylist was already on. She had a make-up train case with her and seemed irritated. He gave her a nod of acknowledgement and noticed the button for the 18th floor was already pushed.

They both awkwardly stood in silence for the short ride.

The elevator arrived at the 18th floor. Yoongi gestured to her to exit first. She did and headed down the other way towards Jin’s apartment. He must have some event tonight Yoongi thought as he went the other direction to his apartment. He walked in, just realizing he hadn’t been home since yesterday morning. He sighed. It wasn’t unusual for him to spend days at a time in the studio. The first thing he noticed was that his apartment smelled like coffee and girl. It wasn’t a bad thing. It was just different.

He continued into the living room and looked around. There was a light on in the kitchen and a half-empty pot of coffee. He could see a light peeking out from under your bedroom door. He took out his phone.

YG: I’m home. I’m going to grab a shower first and then we can go. You don’t have to stay holed up in the bedroom.

He walked upstairs, put his phone on the charger, and showered.

You woke up from your nap right at 6:58. Yoongi hadn’t struck you as the type to ever get home from work early so you hadn’t worried about being ready right at 7. You checked your messages and saw where he had texted you as well as Jimin. You pulled on some jeans and a sweatshirt and headed out to the living room.

JM: 2 pm. Meet me in the lobby of the 6th floor. Bring a tank top and leggings so you can try on clothes over them. Also I HATE YOU WE WERE THERE UNTIL 5 OMFG

YN: Sorry sorry XD I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks again!

Yoongi emerged a few minutes later wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and looking like a damn snack. “Hey.” He walked over to the kitchen and opened the cabinets to check the ingredients. He looked back over his shoulder, “Seriously, I meant what I texted, Make yourself at home. I'm never here anyways."

You moved over to the barstool. "Thanks. I'm just so used to sharing small spaces with lots of people I don't really take up a lot of space. The coffee is fresh by the way. I had a cup before napping just now."

Yoongi didn't really respond, opening up the refrigerator. The two of you were surprised to suddenly hear yelling and screaming in the hallway.

"What the hell? "Yoongi asked, shutting the fridge and walking over to the front door. “Not again," he muttered under his breath. It sounded like a woman yelling. The blood in your veins ran ice cold, your tongue slowly turned to lead. You heard the front door open and felt dizzy. Suddenly you were in an apartment with Suho and there was screaming. You took a deep breath. No. No. That was years ago. You were in Seoul. You were safe. There were guards here and Yoongi was here. Yoongi? You shook your head, looking around. You started to panic again.

The woman had stopped screaming. You heard the voices of two men and slowly staggered out towards the hallway.

"What the fuck Jin?" you heard Yoongi yell.

"I know. I know. She's just difficult."

"Your girlfriend is a fucking asshole." You heard a girl yell. You recognized her as Alice. She was pulling her make up case down the hallway and crying hard.

"Alice I'm sorry. You know Lin is a little crazy. She didn't mean any of the stuff she said." Jin pleaded with her.

Alice was sobbing as she pushed the elevator button. "Tell yourself that, jin."

You didn't want to stare. You felt wrong watching all of this happen but you were also numb at this point, almost experiencing it as though you were outside your body.

Yoongi breathed in sharply. "Just go home Jin. But this is the second time this week. She needs some anger management classes or something." Yoongi looked over and saw you standing there, peeking around the corner.

"Enjoying the show?" He said irritated.

You snapped back to reality and shook your head. You weren't nosy. You had been scared and didn't want to be in the apartment alone. Yoongi got on the elevator with Alice, leaving you and Jin in the hallway.

" Goddammit," you heard Jin say as he walked back to his apartment.

You stood there for a minute replaying everything that had just happened. You took a few deep breaths. Suho wasn't here. You were fine. Yoongi was fine. Apparently Jin had a crazy girlfriend. Alice was Jin's stylist. And Yoongi thought you were a nosey asshole. Great.

You didn't feel like you could go back to the apartment right now so you decided to head out for a walk.

-----------

"You don't have to come with me. You don't even know me." Alice sniffed. "I know how to ride an elevator."

Yoongi shrugged. "Your name is Alice. You've been around for 3 years but became Jin's main stylist a year ago. You are hopelessly in love with him and his new girlfriend suspects. Tell me I'm wrong."

Alice sniffled, her silence acting as confirmation. Yoongi observed so much, quietly watching his coworkers over the years. “This is embarrassing.” She sniffled.

" You should file a complaint with the HR department. She can't just scream at staff members."

"I'm just a stylist."

"Well I'll be filing a complaint. Her loud yelling is fucking annoying." Yoongi put his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels.

Alice laughed a little at that. "Yeah. She's fucking mean. They've actually been dating on and off for years. She yells at Jin too and he always just takes it. That's why she screamed at me tonight. She called him a worthless idiot for like the 500th time and I finally just snapped and told her to shut up."

Yoongi pressed his lips together. He never would have imagined that Jin was being verbally abused. He suddenly felt bad he had been so short with him a few minutes ago.

The elevator arrived at the 7th floor where several of the girl's dormitories were. "Rest up. She's a bitch." Yoongi said to Alice as she got ready to exit.

"Yeah, thanks. Sorry I've never really talked to you before."

Yoongi shrugged . "It's fine." He pushed the door close button and back to the 18th floor. He had been so surprised to see you standing there. He didn't think you'd be interested in gossip, you had seemed so mature.

He walked back into the apartment. "Y/N I'm back. Are you ready to go to the store?"

Silence.

He sent a message to your phone and heard it ping from the countertop.

Shit.

--------------

Yoongi walked outside. It was a little cold out. He tried to tell himself he wasn't chasing after you or looking for you. He was just out stretching his legs. If he happened to run into you, fine. But if not, fine. He reasoned that without your phone or wallet, you had to be nearby. He had left a note for you in the apartment just in case you got back before he did.

Y/N,

Hey. Sorry for all the loud drama. Jin's gf sucks. Text me. You still owe me jjigae.

He walked through one of the little parks that stood between the skyscrapers and the river. He figured he would do a short lap and then head back. He hated the cold, he thought again as he rubbed his hands together.

"Yoongi?" he heard a voice. He looked over at the swingset and saw you sitting there.

"Hey," he walked over. "You left."

"Sorry, I needed some fresh air." You responded as you watched your breath form in the air.

Yoongi took a seat on the swing next to you. "Yeah. Sorry about that. Jin's girlfriend is apparently awful."

"Yeah. Poor Alice. I met her the other day, she seemed so sweet."

“How do you already know so many people?” Yoongi wondered aloud. He had been there for years and barely knew anybody.

You shrugged, “I guess bartending made me good at talking to people.”

“How did you get into it?”

“Bartending? Well I wanted a job where I could work nights so I could also have a day job. And the money was really good.”

“That's always your main job criteria?” Yoongi said flippantly.

Rude. “That's a little mean but yea. I'm the main adult who has to support my two siblings and I've had to since I was 20 years old. I had to drop out of college so there's not many options. I haven’t had the luxury of choosing jobs that I might actually be interested in.”

Yoongi felt like such a shithead. “Sorry. That was a dick thing of me to say. You’re right, it would be nice if you could have the ability to do a job because you like it. Not because of the money.”

“It's OK. I'm just sensitive about it.” You looked off in the distance at the river.

“You should be proud. When I was 20 I wasn’t able to even support myself, let alone take care of anybody else.”

You shrugged. “I’m sure you could have if you had to.”

“No. I’m telling you. When I was 20 I was on my own. And I was homeless because I couldn’t support myself. So the fact that you actually made it work while taking care of people is pretty amazing.”

“Thanks. And wow. I had no idea. That sucks. I’m glad you’re not homeless anymore.” You looked over at him. You never would have guessed. You just assumed he had always been well off.

“Right? That would suck.” Yoongi agreed, glad you weren’t turning his trauma into a big deal. “Yeah, I got discovered by a talent scout and BigHit brought me to Seoul and set me up in one of the dorms here.”

“Wow. I got discovered by some rich asshole with dimples in a bar, who I thought was running a sex-trafficking ring.” You joked. Yoongi laughed, while gently swinging.

"While we’re sharing our tragic backstories, that's actually one of the reasons I came out there." You began. You figured if Yoongi was willing to share some of his fucked-up ness you could do the same. "In the hallway. I didn't want to be alone. People yelling and screaming puts me on edge. I wasn’t trying to be nosy" you thought about how to best phrase what you wanted to say next. "I was raised in an environment where that happened a lot. Yelling. Screaming. And things got very violent, very quickly, in our house."

Yoongi sat next to you on the swings listening intently to your confession. He never would have guessed that about you. You seemed so well-adjusted." I'm sorry that you grew up in a place like that." He said, carefully studying your face." And I'm sorry that Jin's girlfriend caused you to be uncomfortable. I had no idea or I wouldn't have said anything to you about being in the hallway"

"it's OK. Well, I mean, it's not ok what happened to me, but it's over now. Thanks." you looked over at him. He was blowing on his hands. "Are you cold?"

"Yes, it’s freezing out here"

You scoffed, “It's a little cold. Here," you stood up and put your hands around his before he could object.

"How are you so hot?” He asked, enjoying the furnace of your hands.

“You know I look in the mirror every day and ask myself the same question.” You replied with a straight face. Yoongi wrinkled his nose causing you to laugh. “Come on. I don’t want to get fired for letting you freeze to death.” You pulled on his hands to get him off the swing. “Do you still want to go shopping?”

“Yep. I have the list in my phone. Since we’re already out let’s walk to the real grocery store. The BigHit store has an ok amount of things, but not as much as an outside store.”

“Ok, I need to go back and grab my wallet.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But I--”

“You’ve seen my apartment. Don’t argue with me.” He started to walk back towards the city center.

You sighed. Yes. He was super rich and you weren’t. “Fine. But I am doing this under protest.”

“Your protest is noted, come along, assistant. I’ll let you carry the bags.” NEXT CHAPTER

@lidda @anpanman-sonyeondan @firefairy1 @cuteipat @sugaslittlekookies @janeelizabeth1216 @deeepvibes @gxldenhunny

#bts fic #bts scenarios #suga x you #yoongi x you #yoongi scenarios #bts yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader #suga x reader #bts suga x you #suga x y/n #yoongi imagine #bts writing #suga bts #bts yoongi #bts au fanfic #bts fanfic

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taeslovehandles · 3 years

Note

I never meant to target you and I'm sorry you felt that way. You properly tag everything and adhere to the "don't like, don't read" rule. I don't follow you nor you follow, because we simply don't vibe together and that's okay.

But there are posts that are on the more "innocent" side that do represent fat people as a joke and it's like they don't even realize it because it's something so well ingrained in our fatphobic society.

For example, all the characters are having fun except the fat one or referring to someone as "twice his size" (like... If they want to say he's huge, they should just say it, not imply that there's a "right size" for someone to be).

I don't think authors should censor themselves, just acknowledge the role they play in how fat characters are perceived by the community they write for.

-🍓

First of all, since you obviously haven’t blocked me, you could have come to me via direct message. This is not a topic that needs to be brought out into the public eye even more than it already is. I have worked with anons before, I would have been the last person to reveal who you are. You could have made a trash account to message me in dm’s, but since you didn’t, I will reply to you here.

I want to make one thing clear. This will be my last response on the topic. If you do not like me as a member of the community please use the block button and filter me out, because I will stay. I have many friends here, and know that many people enjoy my content. Just because a small handful of people don’t appreciate dark themes in fiction, the contents of which they can easily protect themselves from, won’t make me falter.

Now, I want to debunk this ask because your ‘apology’ actually made me very upset.

I know you don’t mean it when you say you are sorry because you’re backpedaling on what you’ve told your friends and it really rubs me the wrong way. You could have owned up to your mistakes and apologized sincerely like others had but you continue to play victim and excuse your behaviour with tales of your own trauma, projecting your own insecurities onto my blog and thus hating me.

I know for a fact that you despise my blog, especially my writing, because you do not like how “obviously skinny people write about weight gain.”

Honey.

I couldn’t be any further from skinny.

I don’t mind sharing my actual weight, which has actually gotten worse due to COVID. I weigh 490lbs. I am morbidly obese. I have always been morbidly obese. For you to come and be “nitpicky” about a genre you don’t even enjoy? Why are you even reading my fics then?

The way I write about obese people, their struggles with literally everything… that comes from real life experience. I write this to share embarrassing and exhausting daily life tasks I personally struggle with.

A skinny person would never write some of the stuff I do, because they simply don’t know. They don’t know how scary it is to hear the line “we are going to a restaurant.” They don’t know how scary it is to go into that new restaurant, scan the chairs and think “Shit, am I gonna fit? Is the chair gonna creak? Is there enough space for the next table? What if I won’t fit?” A thin person doesn’t have to think this way.

And, let me tell you something else. Yes, I agree. The world is fatphobic.

In one of my recent posts I talked about movies and shows where they make fun of fat people because I hate it. Because it is REAL LIFE. And I am all for the body positivity movement and I do believe that all bodies are beautiful, because they are.

You do not know me personally.

And that leads to my next point. If you personally have issues with the phrase “twice my size”, then that is on you. And guess what? I cannot count how often I’ve heard lines like that my whole life.

“Oh wow two people would fit in one of your pant legs.”

“Wow, you are so fat, I could use your pants as a tent.”

So trust me, I know. I KNOW. But anon, this is the important part for me. Everyone processes trauma differently.

Inked ch3? Or literally any story I have written with a fat character being forced, insulted and talked down to like they’re dumb? That’s what I have been living with my entire life. Most of these stories, some obviously more extreme than how I had experienced them since it’s fiction, have been recordings of trauma I have went through.

My own dad force fed me. Forced me to eat food and gain weight. My first boyfriend was a feeder that manipulated me into gaining more weight and took measurements. Called me pig names and abused me. Hit me, manipulated me into having s** with him and then let all of his fantasies out on me.

I don’t make this shit up. I hate my brain for being so twisted now, that I actually find it hot and arousing. It’s weird. I know, but that’s how it is.

I’ve also never had friends in school. Not even kindergarten. Why? Because my “fat incased body could spread like a virus.” I was being bullied like JK was in Pondus.

I had hot water thrown at me, got glue put on my seats and hair, had my hair ripped out and even got a cigarette burn mark on my arm. Just because I was fat. Just because of how my body was shaped.

I was strangled and locked into a small locker for a night. I was almost killed for running away from my abusive dad from his car and had to listen to things like, “You are going to die when you are 30. No one will ever love you and your body.” That I have trust issues now and am paranoid about everything and everyone.

Those dark stories. I use those dark stories to try to work through my trauma. And yes, it may be absurd to you. It may disgust you, what I write. But sadly, most of it? Most of it really happened to me. To me and other people I’ve talked to as a friend or seen online. Most of what I write will be dark because the human species is made up of terrible creatures.

Fatphobia is an important topic, and I am happy the media has been slowly getting better about it, that people accept us more. But my writing is how I work with my trauma. If I can make fictional characters feel the same things I had to feel, that makes me feel better.

And I’m not hurting anyone with it. So how is it wrong?

I do not support any of this behaviour in real life. I never bullied anyone, I always try to speak up for my friends and tell people if they are being assholes. Because I hate them too and it makes me angry when good people get shit when they do nothing but breathe.

And how @pudgecuddles already said. I don't need you to advocate for body positivity and all that shit when you go out of your way to bully someone that may have experienced the same shit you have. I do not know you or what you went through in your life, but I am sorry. I’m sorry you feel like my stories aren’t okay to write, but this is how I work on my trauma and I need you to respect that.

I’ve said this before. We don’t have to be friends, or even talk to each other.

Just be neutral.

Block me. Filter me out. Pretend I don't exist. But, whatever you do, don’t make posts that call me out while making it obvious you’re talking about me, with the cover that you are advocating against fatphobia. That’s got a name. Cyber-bullying.

Have you hurt me with those posts? Yes you have, but I’ve never wanted bad blood. As you may have noticed, it wasn’t me that made a post. It was my good friend. Because I told her how exhausting it was and she knew about the posts back then.

I have a good idea of who you are.

I remember you.

But I kept my mouth shut. Because this community is my home and the last thing I wanted was for the people who like both of our types of content to feel like they have to choose sides.

In the end, we all rub one out to fat gay boys in a band. No user is better than the rest, and if there are topics you do not enjoy, there is a button for it. No need to drag everyone into it with posts. It’s exhausting and irritating.

Now, I do not accept your apology because you lied to me and I also do not feel like you meant it sincerely knowing what I know now after reading some dm’s. But I also won’t sit here and start shit.

This is my last post about this.

Please block me and enjoy the content you do like.

Nonetheless, I hope you have a nice day and a lovely weekend. Whatever you are experiencing or going through, I hope it gets better. Because even if you hate me personally for creating content you do not support, I’d say that I am a really friendly and nice person.

I do not believe that anyone deserves to be bullied like that and talked down in official posts. It happened before with a friend of mine and you probably remember that I did speak up about it.... But apparently no one learned from it. I really hope this time you do.

Insult me and shit talk me all you want in dm’s, but don’t do it publicly. No one deserves that kind of hate or passive aggressiveness. No one. Since you sound like someone that went through a lot of shit too, you should know better. You should know how it feels to be bullied and what damage it can cause.

I’m already depressed enough and I have bad lows. Let me write my erotica and just enjoy it? That’s all I want? I am a part of this community just like you were. You leaving because you did not like my content, is not my problem. If you cannot block me or ignore it and go so far as to read them and then rant about them negatively, what do you want me to do? I won’t leave the scene just because you don’t like me.

So, you either trash talk me in dm’s from now on so that I do not see it, or you block me. The latter of which would be the more mature thing to do. The more humane thing to do. Because talking behind someone’s back is just as bad.

Again, I don’t know why you felt like it was necessary to send me an ask with lies in it when I got screenshot proof of something else you have said/issues with, so don’t backpedal on me. I know Hun. I know already.

At least stick to what you said and actually apologize or, if you can’t, just block me.

But this ask? This ask just upset me.

Have a nice day.

p.s: The fact that this even needs to be talked about is so absurd and ridiculous to me. The whole thing is a petty party in my eyes that isn't even worth anyone's time? Do people on here really not have any other issues right now or am I in the wrong movie?

#taeslovehandle asks #do not use this post to cause your own drama #this is me answering honestly.#the topic about this ends here.#please respect this <3

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rbbalmung · 4 years

Text

Pokemon SwSh GPL AU: Get to know ______ P3

It’s time for THE BOYS. My biggest conclusion from putting this together is that while Raihan enjoys pushing everyone else’s buttons, Leon is the only person that can fluster the hell out of him. Please enjoy.

Get to Know: Leon x Raihan (TrueRivalShipping)

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other? Leon. He feels like the type of person whose love language is gift giving (ex. giving Hop Wooloo and Grookey, giving Gloria Scorbunny, Yamper, and Charmander, ect.). That being said, he’s terrible at getting gifts. He can tell exactly what type of Pokemon a person would want and catch it, but presents? He once got Raihan a charmander watch made for kids without even considering it wouldn’t fit him.

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap? Leon. They’re both tall, but Lee’s the smaller of the two.

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes? Raihan would definitely strut around just to get a reaction out of Leon. Half the time his intentions are to get him into bed, but the other half? Embarrass Leon when he’s on Rotom calls with his mum (don’t worry, he wears pants for those instances).

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway? They’re both night owls. They stay up either playing video games or watching Netflix (or whatever the pokemon equivalent to that is). They had to invest in a bigger couch due to how often they have passed out on it. (When I say bigger couch, I definitely mean a futon. They just straight up by the closest thing they can to another bed).

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies? Hop inherited their mum’s cooking skills. Since Leon spent most of his young adult life as a champion who never really had time to stay at home and cook a real meal, it is up to Raihan to provide. Lee was permanently designated to cleanup duty after nearly burning the apartment down.

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”? Leon would say,” Oh, that’s us!” and Raihan would say,” Eh, not really?” just to spite him. There is a lot of teasing and playful banter in their relationship.

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes? Raihan, but only because he would literally murder Leon if he borrowed one of his designer sweatshirts. There’s also the added benefit that Lee’s clothes are a lot comfier.

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?” Leon isn’t allowed to run errands by himself because he’d get lost, so Raihan is usually the grocery-getter. Raihan will be in the checkout line and almost always get a last minute text from Leon asking for one more item. It drives Raihan bonkers.

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions? Leon is the driver, and Raihan is the “direction giver” (let’s be real, he’s more focused on what song they play next than getting them to their destination). If it’s a group road trip, neither of them are allowed in the front because they’ll just end up getting everyone lost.

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws? Ok, so I don’t really think one of them would draw the other. They’re much more of an “active, sporty couple” than an “artsy couple”. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, though. During one of their dates, they decided to doodle each other on their napkins to help pass the time. They were both terrible and it got really heated when the waitress chose Leon’s drawing as “slightly less worse”.

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips? Are you kidding? They’d both try to out-do each other. Both backflippers.

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking? I feel like even though Leon has more body mass than Raihan, he’d be the lightweight of the two. Both have been in the League since they were in their late teens, but Leon’s public image had a lot more specifications than Raihan’s. That meant Raihan got to go to a lot more college parties on his nights off and build up his tolerance. Leon’s public relations manager didn’t let him even look at alcohol until he stepped down as champion. He had to “set a good example for his young fans”. (Sufficed to say, Gloria quickly got a new PR manager when she filled his role).

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own? Raihan learned that if he used Leon’s last name, he could get special treatment. It’s an abuse of power! Especially when they’re having dinner at the Hoffman house and Raihan casually slips in that he’s planning on taking Lee’s last name once they marry. Leon’s convinced his grandparents like Raihan better than they like him at this point.

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside? Raihan, though he’ll go to an early grave before admitting that. He just doesn’t want them getting webbing on his new shoes! Yeah...that’s it.

16: Which one gives the other their jacket? Leon. It was mentioned above, but Raihan has to be in a really good mood in order to let Leon borrow his stuff. It isn’t that big of a deal, thankfully: The Hoffman boys are like personal heaters.

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling? Ok, ok, ok: Raihan is slightly intimidated by Hop. He just wants the best for his big bro! If that means calling Raihan out of his shit from time to time to keep him in line, so be it. Raihan can’t fight back either, because that’s his boyfriend’s little brother! One of the only things Leon gets testy over is people bullying Hop, so Raihan has to do it when he isn’t around.

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other? Leon. It wasn’t one of those things where they’ve always liked each other, but after being friends for so long, their feelings blossomed into something new. Lee is a big flirt and never officially came out, so Raihan just figured he didn’t mean it whenever he complimented him. Leon literally confessed to Raihan at least five time before it sank in that he was serious.

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting? I think they’d actually be pretty good! Leon helped raise Hop and he definitely has the dad act down, so adopting children would be something he’d be super interested in. Raihan may struggle a little bit at first (especially with where the line of what he could and couldn’t post on social media was), but he has a big heart. They would always be there for their kids. If Gloria and Hop are the cool parents, Leon and Raihan are the embarrassing ones. Would tease their kid lovingly.

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters? Leon has sent a lot of professional texts because of his former position as champion, so he’d win by default. If they’re texting each other, it is all in numbers, emojis, and abbreviations. Sonia, Piers, and Nessa hate being in group chats with them.

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them? Lee is the more protective of the two, especially when it comes to people bullying Raihan online. Raihan tries to tell him that he doesn't have to do it, but he’s secretly very flattered.

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun? Leon makes the worst dad jokes in the world. Sometimes he does it just to embarrass Raihan.

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy? They take turns. Raihan will catch a Hakamo-o to beat Lee’s Aegislash, only for Lee to catch an Azumarill from the Isle of Armor a week later. It’s a never ending game of trying to one up the other.

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired? Leon. He’s pretty buff, so carrying Raihan around is nothing. He usually does it without asking if his boyfriend looks tired and flusters the heck out of him.

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering? Ever since Leon left he league, he makes it a priority to go to every one of Raihan’s matches. He often dons ridiculous disguises in order to not get recognised, but he always gets recognised. There is an online forum just made up of pictures of him in different, weird attire. He might’ve even been able to slip by public notice if not for the fact that he tries to make AS MUCH NOISE AS POSSIBLE to cheer his boyfriend on.

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder? Is there even a possible different answer than Raihan? The man takes selfies as a living. You better believe he has 8 different folders of pictures of Leon.

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked? Raihan. Leon is so close to having style, but then he’ll throw on his signature snapback and a cape and ruin everything. You know the cape isn’t even a requirement for the champion to wear? Yeah, Lee just chose to wear it. He counts it as a small victory whenever Leon decides to buy something at one of Rai’s favourite stores.

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of? Raihan tries not to get between Leon and Charizard. It’s a similar situation to the Hop one: Charizard is Lee’s baby, which means Raihan isn’t allowed to tease them.

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains? Raihan, but he purposely will move the umbrella out from above Leon to get him soaked. It’s payback for all the other stuff he does.

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures? Like Gloria and Hop, I think they’d travel to all the regions. They’d have to do it on off seasons and couldn't stay long due to their duties in Galar, but they like seeing the new types of pokemon. Once again, Rai would take millions of pictures. He has a photo album per vacation, not just vacation in general.

#GPL AU #pokemon #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon au #pokemon swsh #swsh #swsh leon #pokemon leon #champion leon #swsh raihan #pokemon raihan #gym leader raihan #leon x raihan #truerivalshipping #The banter between these two would be unbeatable #half the time people aren't sure if they even like each other #best boyfriends ever

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windandwater · 3 years

Text

so I started adderall and hoo boy. lemme tell you. what a wild feeling, in so many ways, but especially right now where I’m like “I’m not doing anything shouldn’t I be panicking” and my brain is like “no. you have a lot to do. but you’ve also been working really hard. so it’s okay to take a break for a few minutes” and I BELIEVE MYSELF??

WOW

anyway here’s some stuff under the cut about it because I can’t believe how well this is working out.

background: I’m hypoglycemic. one big reason I decided to do this was, I was having this issue where I get depressed if I don’t eat sugar. I was eating sugar to feel joy. I am at risk for diabetes but even if I wasn’t this is not...great. I’ve always had to watch my blood sugar and I’ve always been careful about what I eat but in recent years, the amount of actual dessert/candy I eat has gotten mildly out of control and my doctors have told me to watch my sugar and I just...wasn’t able to.

one of my coworkers who is also not-neurotypical and as such knows her shit, told me that this whole “sugar to feel joy” thing is an ADHD symptom. I knew I had ADHD (I’d been diagnosed in high school) but wasn’t being treated for it, but had never been told this was a symptom, and at that point I was like, you know what, fuck this, I can’t get my health under control on my own if I’m not being treated for my mental health as well. I’m talking to my psychiatrist about this.

so I did. enter adderall. and now I wanna talk about it because it’s been FASCINATING and I am all about brain medication when you need it. so here goes!

also I live-tweeted my first 24 hours on adderall because it was SO WILD and I’m so glad I did even though I have three (3) followers, more on that in a minute

(me: I can’t tell if it’s working, it’s supposed to kick in in 30 minutes but--wait I think my brain just went bOOP

coworker: is bOOP good?

me: it’s WEIRD)

the good

Y’ALL THE SUGAR THING WORKED IMMEDIATELY. oh my god I was stunned. absolutely stunned. I still absolutely have a sweet tooth and enjoy eating sweets but I can eat a normal amount, at normal times, and not because I need to feel something. it’s because I want to eat something sweet. I can’t believe in 24 hours I went from complete inability to control myself to just...not having to. brains!! who knew!!!

I focused on an entire conversation the entire time. the entire time. I was even very stressed because my blood sugar was low and I needed to eat, but I was able to put that aside because I knew I could deal with it when the conversation was over! WHAT THE HELL!

since then it hasn’t been that easy because conversations are, quite frankly, often very boring, especially for work. but it’s easier to focus when I need to, and not zone out halfway through or have to do something else in order to focus. or start stressing/thinking about other shit that doesn’t matter. I can listen to what people are saying!!! for an hour! it’s crazy!!!

I wasn’t tired all day! this is also part of the bad. you’ll see.

I feel more in control of my days now, and less like time is speeding by at a rate I don’t and can’t comprehend. I’ve gotten fairly good at planning out and prioritizing my time anyway, but now it’s like...better. and easier.

executive function is online, and as I alluded to, no more self-guilt-tripping if it takes me a minute to get to things. they’ll still get done! it’s okay! if I don’t do something right away I will still do the thing! I have years of experience parceling tasks into small pieces so I do them, but less so with not still getting on my own case about not doing them right away.

if I don’t have music or a podcast playing at all times, I can still focus on work. it’s still pretty nice, it’s just not absolutely necessary. this is throwing me off hardcore but it’s kind of nice to be able to be in silence occasionally.

I can still multitask but if I’m NOT multitasking I don’t feel like I’m going insane, and also, I don’t feel like my brain is hanging by a thread at all times that might break and cause everything to explode.

a tweet I made: “I was researching something and when I got frustrated I kept at it and didn't have to go take a break to do something equally frustrating and pinball back and forth between them until they both got done. I might have just been weaponized? “

it’s true. researching/looking stuff up is one of my skillsets and...I’ve been weaponized.

the bad

my appetite is allll fucked up. we’re adjusting the type of medication I’m on to try and mitigate this but wow it’s an appetite suppressant and wow that’s not okay when you’re hypoglycemic and have to keep your blood sugar up.

my sleep is also fucked up. anxiety keeps me from falling asleep and I’d gotten to a good place re: falling asleep at night. however I was also in a very bad place re: sleeping constantly (sleep apnea? quarantine depression? who knows!). but waking up constantly during the night ain’t the solution, chief. so we’re also adjusting to see if we can do something about that.

regarding that: the first night, I literally just did not get tired. it was very upsetting. if I hadn’t tweeted about it I would’ve had an out and out panic attack, but one of my friends talked me off the ledge, telling me she had the same experience when she first went on it. I was not warned and I wish I had been. I was still able to sleep (she wasn’t, when it happened to her) but hoo boy. no thank you.

pharmacies like to babysit you when you’re on controlled substances. ugh.

more shit to keep track of. ughhhhhhhhhhhh

unfortunately, I had a hard time finding mainstream resources for this stuff online. I’ve read a lot from tumblr and heard from other people’s experiences, but when I went looking for, say, information on adderall & sleep...a lot of it is related to addiction. I had a similar problem with ADHD & sleep: I wanted to know more about whether ADHD can make you really tired like I was, or whether it was just an insomnia type of thing, and there just wasn’t a lot out there. this isn’t really a problem with the drug, but like...it’s a pain when you really want to learn more about something, aren’t in a place to talk to your doctor yet, and are just left to the wind with the mainstream internet assuming you’re abusing a substance.

definitely also felt like I had to lay the groundwork with my doctor...I had been planning to talk to her about this for a while, so I mentioned my ADHD diagnosis early on so I could bring it up at some point and not just out of the blue ask her for meth. this stuff is hard.

(not making a statement of any kind of recreational drug use/addiction, just...I hate the US medical system. a lot. everybody loses.)

so that’s how it’s going! sorry for the long post, but I did want to document this somewhere besides twitter, and maybe some of y’all are interested.

oh also, my other favorite thing that happened is my doctor said to try to keep track of when I take the medication and it wears off, and I literally told her that that would also be a good marker of whether or not it’s doing its job, because in my natural state I literally cannot remember to do that, with anything, ever. and I did! I managed! WILD

anyway end the stigma. ♥️

#adventures in text posts #adhd blogging #mental health

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fizzyxcustard · 4 years

Text

A snippet of possible seaQuest fic

So, as most of you are aware, I’ve been dipping my toes back into seaQuest waters. Yeah, lame pun, I know. Hahaha! And this is the beginning of a fic I wanted to try and write which started in a couple of dreams I had. Let me know what you think. Thoughts? Comments?

Warnings: Physical/mental/emotional abuse, language

“I will give you six weeks to handle your affairs, and then we will meet so you can sign your contract.” Those had been Captain Oliver Hudson’s exact words. It still made no sense to you that you had been headhunted by the Navy to join the infamous sub called seaQuest. Of course you had heard of the boat; who hadn’t? But you had been contacted by the skipper of the vessel and the chief of the proposed programme, who also happened to be an Ensign, Lucas Wolenczak.

Out of all the thousands of files and records that had been available online, Lucas had fought for you to be brought on board seaQuest in order to be fully trained. Rather than take only the elite of the military, the idea of a special training programme had been talked about for almost eighteen months. Taking people with specific skill sets and work history, their skills already invaluable. Then all the defence and military tactical training could come later. What exactly was your skill set? That part had never been discussed. All you had heard was the basic brief; everything else had entered one ear and exited the other.

Another individual had been selected, a young man named Lee Foster. He was to be visited after you and given the same brief and opportunity. According to Lucas, Lee had been selected by Lieutenant Tim O’Neill, another officer who had worked closely on the trainee programme.

All of that had been two weeks ago. You had remained in close contact with Lucas, video calling him every other day to ask questions. Just that day and you had given him your personal details in order for him to begin submitting all your paperwork in order to fully record you in the UEO Naval database, and give you access to all the information you required. A marker would also be put against your passport, allowing movement through borders with no questions asked.

You couldn’t deny that you had already developed a soft spot for the Ensign. He was twenty, a literal genius, cute and seemed to blush a lot when he spoke with you.

“You’re an angel, Lucas,” you cooed, thanking him for agreeing to submit all of your paperwork electronically and use only a digital signature.

“Now, your contract that Tim is typing up will be given to you when we meet, and you’ll have to provide a physical signature then. The hotel rooms have been booked near the airport and all of the confirmation details will come to you in an email,” Lucas explained. There was his usual blush and smile as he looked down, obviously embarrassed by your words of affection.

There was a sudden bang at your front door. “I’ve got to go, Lucas. I’ll call you later to finish this off, okay?”

“Sure,” he replied. “Bye.”

You disconnected your call with Lucas and dashed down your hallway. The banging came again. “Alright. Alright!” you shouted in agitation. A sense of dread washed over you as you opened the door, only to be faced with Warren, your ex. He looked at you with those small eyes and grinned lecherously.

“How’s my darlin’?” he asked, his arm propped up on the doorframe.

“I’m not your darling, Warren. I told you that I don’t want anything more to do with you,” you hissed.

“Oh, you don’t mean that,” he said, pouting his lips, feigning disappointment. To think that you had given your body to this man, and even loved him at one point, made your skin crawl. There was nothing left at all between you both, only the memories of being possessed and emotionally scarred.

As you went to shut your door, Warren stepped forward and forced the door back open. “It’s impolite to not invite people in, babe. Come on, you know we had a good time together. I’ll make it worth your while.”

Terror gripped you and you swallowed hard. An ice cold rod of ice shot up your back and your heart began to race, threatening to rip out of your chest. “Please, Warren. Leave me alone. I’m leaving in a month. I’ve been offered a job.”

“You’re not leaving,” Warren growled. His eyes had grown dark, a shadow of malice having flashed across them. “I’ve told you before: we’re together, and that’s that. You’re not leaving for some fucking job.”

“I…I’ll call the police if you don’t leave,” you stammered.

Warren suddenly grabbed the back of your neck and squeezed. “You’re mine, bitch. You even think about calling the police and I’ll make sure you don’t see the light of day again. There is no job. You’re staying here.” He shoved you away hard. You fell down onto the floor and looked up at his hateful form hanging over you. “If you try and run, I’ll find you.”

You broke down into sobs as Warren disappeared. Your hitched breath and panicked inhales echoed down the hall.

#fanfic #seaquest #seaquest dsv #seaquest 2032 #Lucas wolenczak #captain Oliver hudson #lieutenant Tim o'neill #snippet of fic #what are your thoughts?

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morningflames · 4 years

Text

a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia.

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted.

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences.

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them.

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency.

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc.

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating.

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today.

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively.

this horrifies me to this day.

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back.

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant.

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

#wrymrest accord #wra rp #wra community #okay to reblog #i am going to basically go dark on here now and not check on this #i have gotten ohysically ill from dredging this shit up #i will not be engaging past this point so whether you believe me or not i do not care #i know my truth and i know what happened to me even though i was gaslit to hell and back

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 years

Note

(TW for meds, insomnia, hospital, accident, death, pandemic, violence) This is an ask for reassurance and advice. I currently take medicine that was prescribed to me after my trauma to treat insomnia. I thought this would just be a "band-aid" solution but it feels like life kept spiraling downhill and I've had to continue to stay on the med for now. I won't get into the details but after my first trauma (which was a personal trauma, no one else was hurt or impacted but me), I then had a (1/10)

sudden death in the family, my mom was paralyzed after an accident, and I also had to start taking care of a family member in the late stages of Alzheimer's. When my mom was paralyzed and my other family member died, I was put on a psychiatric waiver from my classes because my school said I was too unstable to keep attending. I tried to seek help from my school's counseling center twice. The first time, they wouldn't see me because I wasn't enrolled at the time (this was after my first trauma which involved hospitalization so I wasn't taking classes).

The second time (after the death + accident + becoming a caretaker), they literally said that my problems were "too severe" for them to deal with but wouldn't give me any other resources. So rather than receiving proper long-term counseling, I've had to rely on my medicine. Like I mentioned, it's prescribed to me by a doctor, I don't abuse it, I'm on a small dose, and I don't get any side effects from it. But I just see it as a personal failure because I think to myself "If only I had gotten better help before, I wouldn't be relying on medication now." Plus even with medication due to my life being so unstable I still encounter issues with sleep and have sleep-related anxiety in general. I don't feel ready to come off my medication for now, because I feel like a change in medication would be a bad idea given my current circumstances and tbh the pandemic has made things that were already stressful even more stressful, for example there's been vaccine shortages where I live, lots of fights and violence in broad daylight, and just... really bad policies that have kept the pandemic out of control compared to other places.

I'm not living in a stable environment, I've always hated this city and the pandemic made me realize just how little I can keep tolerating it. I'm currently going to a new school I'm hopefully graduating from soon and still get extreme stress on a daily basis thanks to having to take care of my family members on top of loads of schoolwork. I did see a counselor (only short-term though because they ended up moving out of this country) who said my dose is safe and that they believe that once I eliminate some of the stressors from my life (like finally graduating school and leaving this bad environment) and can focus on my trauma recovery without as much stress, I will eventually not need the medicine anymore, and will be able to gradually wean off of it.

I have researched about this online and would do it carefully under the guidance of a medical professional, plus like I mentioned before I'm on a low dose and never abuse it. There's been times where I've fallen asleep without it and also some times where I've been able to go for months on a reduced dose comfortably, until some obstacle sets me back and I'm back to feeling like I need the full dose again. I still have a LOT of fear like "What if I'm STILL too mentally messed up even after life gets less stressful for me? What if I run into new traumas? What if it's too difficult for me to stop needing my medicine to sleep? What if the problem is all ME and I'm just this messed up person beyond repair who failed at being a human thanks to my trauma ruining me?" and I get extremely, overwhelmingly panicked over those thoughts literally every day.

One fear in particular that I have is that I know when my relative with Alzheimer's dies, it will be absolutely devastating. I just wish my initial trauma would have never happened to me, because now it feels like my brain is far too messed up to handle ANYTHING else, whether it's just school or if it's something more serious like more deaths/accidents in the family. I feel like if someone else were going through this I would support them and encourage them but I can't give my brain the same treatment I would give to someone else. I just feel like I'm stuck in this situation and it all goes back to not getting the right help from the right people at the right time.

Can I have some advice and reassurance about how to approach all of this? (Also, I wanted to add that I have severe health anxiety, so if possible I would appreciate if you could please try to avoid saying things that would make my anxiety worse in regards to health topics since I see a lot of "worst case scenario" type stuff online that causes me to panic and I want to focus on positive possibilities instead, please) Thanks!

---

Hi Anon,

First of all, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress and holding up really well considering that. I know it may feel like you’re not doing well at all, but it sounds like you’re still getting through school and taking care of family, both of which are not easy things. You should feel good about the fact you’re doing a lot better than many people would be in the same situation.

The fact that you are taking a medication isn’t a failure at all. If someone was depressed and taking an anti-depressant medication to treat it, that wouldn’t be a sign of weakness. If someone had a lactose intolerance and sometimes took a medication so they could eat cheese while minimizing the effects, that wouldn’t be “wrong”.

It sounds like your school’s counselling center failed you. That really sucks. But it isn’t your fault that they wouldn’t help you or even get you access to other resources - it sounds like you did what you could to get help, especially considering everything that you were going through.

You are not a failure because you need a bit of help, especially with everything you are handling right now. It would have been great if you had gotten the help you needed before, but now you should be focused on doing what you can to reduce the stress in your life. Graduating school is obviously a big thing you can do to help yourself. But also, if there is a way you can get more help taking care of family, you may want to make use of that. If there’s another way to access counselling, you may to try that. If meditation, mindfulness exercises, or any other stress management techniques are helpful to you, those are a possibility as well.

There is no shame at all in taking a medication to help you sleep, but I also have confidence that things will get better and you will be able to wean off of it in the future (but it’s okay if you decide not to do this, too). You’re doing great. Things will get better.

You’ve got this.

- Mod Ess

#trauma talks #insomnia #pandemic #death #tw death #accident #violence #Mod Ess

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chillorious · 4 years

Text

✨My abusive Mother✨

The title of this entry says it all;

I have an abusive mother. And I suppose it’s rather strange to say out loud because for so many years I managed to convince myself that she was anything but. When you have a mother, you’re told a lot of things growing up, you’re told that your mother is someone who is supposed to look out for you, someone strong and dependable in your life whenever you and your family need a stern but loving guidance. Someone sturdy you want to lean on when times are tough. They are the shelter in a house, a protector. The one who has earned your respect for raising you up to be more than you thought you could be. Or in simpler terms, a mother is supposed to present a good example.

My mother was hardly a mother to me. I call her mother because that’s the only label I’ve ever given her and I respect her because I was raised to respect everyone, but making a mistake my mother often presented a poor example for her husband and child, whether she intended to or not. I can’t pinpoint when the abuse really started but I know it’s been going on for what may as well be a lifetime. She often laid her hands on me, but my mother also was and still is the type to verbally cut you down to nothing. She had a tongue like a knife. Well I know she’s been through a lot in her life and I know those experiences manifested into something foul, it hangs off my mothers back, whispering little things here and there, poisoning her mind, spirit and speech. She’s a woman that hurts, and has been hurt by people she was supposed to trust and depend on. “I have to understand that” or at least that’s what I always told myself. When family hurts you, you’d naturally feel inclined to defend their actions, you try to convince your friends that they aren’t so bad you even try to convince yourself as a means of rejecting the pain, but abuse is abuse, no matter what color you choose to paint over it. And for a while, my mother was a pitch black silhouette, a figure that I tried to touch but instead all I got to see was a cast shadow of the person she could have been but decided she wouldn’t be. Hardly the mother figure, but often the abuser. But no amount of experience can justify abusing your daughter.

Now I know I’ve been beating around the bush and holding off on explaining everything she did, but it’s hard. And that’s another thought I’m sure a lot of you in and outside my shoes have had. It’s hard to come out and talk about what’s been done to you. It’s hard to admit the truth. But that’s why I decided that I wouldn’t keep quiet anymore. No more fear or worry or talking myself out of all the strife in my mind as if that will make it vanish. I will be for you, what my mother wasn’t for me. Honest, transparent, and a good example. When I was a kid, my mother tyrannized me. Yes, the woman I was raised by had been violating and torturing me. And yes that’s something I blocked out for a long time and suspected but recently often got confirmed with. She didn’t look at me as though I were a child, she made me responsible for everything that happened and I were her punching bag whenever she needed one. She also made me responsible to take care for her broken heart. I remember those faces she made towards me, certain gestures and words that encouraged her desire of killing me. She had hands like barbed wire, everything she touched on me bled. She’d linger near my person and kept me close in a way that sincerely gave me nightmares both as a kid and as an adult, the kind that nearly made me lose sleep. I won’t give any nasty and horrifying details, they wouldn’t benefit any of us anyway but I need you to recognize that a child shouldn’t know that kind of fear and confusion, ever. It just isn’t okay.

In the years that followed my mother tried to force me into a mold. From the beginning, she wanted me to do everything she said, to be dressed in a specific way, surround myself with certain company but above all, she wanted my absolute obedience. And for a while, you could say she had it, but time changes us all and I guess it started when I recorded her torturing me so I had proof it happened, because that’s what gaslighting is. She made sure that I would never believe myself and my gut feeling. She managed to make me believe that she never hurt me which only confused me more. Eventually my mannerisms, clothes and interest took a path apart from what she laid out for me. Which is why she started to demean me at every turn. My mother would talk down to me and if she wasn’t shaming my decisions, she was shaming my very person. She talked behind my back but most times when I was around and was able to hear every word. And she knew it, so the words always found their way back to me in the end. In my mothers eyes I was an irresponsible, lazy disappointment, I was a liar that was always sneaking off to do bad things with awful people. I can’t say I was a saint I’m not perfect but not all my actions were worthy of that inconsiderate reaction to my youth. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her, things I’ve said or done would always become something of a burden on her, always something that I should have second-guessed and felt bad for and I guess, when I look at it that way it’s no wonder I started hating myself. When your own mother makes you feel like you can’t do anything right, when she makes it clear that she doesn’t trust you, you feel broken. I felt like I was falling apart because the woman that should have raised me was breaking me down. My actions didn’t matter, she never really questioned or talked through why I did things, she just judged everything I did for years. Until she trapped me in my own self doubt. And if she wasn’t insulting me, she was insulting my hobbies, if not them, my passions. She put me through hell, she made me feel trapped in that hideous inferno with her, she made me feel powerless and worthless. She made me feel, like I was nothing. Finally, she wore me down, she made me feel tiny small, she made me into an object that she pushed her sick desires and expectations onto, she made me feel unsafe, she made me feel anxious, she made me angry with how she treated me and started to ruin me. She made me fear life so much that I sought comfort and gratification in others to a point, where I clung to them to an unhealthy degree because who else would I turn to. I made food into a toxic addiction, like it was a drug and a safe haven that I didn’t want to let reality into. I took that like pills, constantly just to feel alive and when it wasn’t enough I turned elsewhere. I turned to people that didn’t care for my heart, I turned to distractions that couldn’t heal, I tried to fill my mind with meaningless nonsense just to stop the destructive voices in my head. They literally left me restless, they wouldn’t keep quiet, they wouldn’t shut up day and night, and eventually I thought those dark dark thoughts...

“I can shut them up forever” “I don’t wanna do this anymore” “make it stop”

And I almost took my life, it took me 19 years to get to the point where I felt so miserable that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. That hurt me in ways words can’t describe. However it only took a few days for me to remember it doesn’t have to be this way. If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, there is another way out, you may see that exit sign floating around the pills or the knife but don’t look at it. Don’t approach it because exiting life is not the solution to it. You may not understand it now but our time spent suffering is not even worthy of being compared to the reward and opportunity and joy that overcoming the pain can bring. I know life is hard, trust me. In the process of trying to get the help I needed I had to make a lot of sacrifices so that I could learn to grow and find strength and it was so so hard and the journey is gonna feel hard sometimes and I know you may not like the idea of life getting any harder but I promise you there are so many great things you can have and achieve when you choose to battle your anxiety and depression rather than taking it as it comes. when you choose to fight your personal demons instead of letting them in, anger, rage, sadness, loneliness they will all come, but they will also go again. None of those feelings about yourself belong in you and absolutely none of that defines you. You are more.

Look at yourself. I mean it, look at you. Look at your face, at your hands, wiggle your fingers. Look at them. You see you’re here, you’re still alive. You may be telling yourself “I’m weak, I can’t do it, I can’t keep fighting” but you are here because you’re strong and despite everything you’re going through. You’re still making the decision to get out of bed, to breathe and do something. You think that just happens, you think it’s easy, no!

That is power. That is a body in motion. A body and a spirit that are still alive and aren’t ready to go yet. That aren’t ready to give up. So don’t. Of course everyone’s situation is different and it’s easy for one person online to say life is worth living and things get better when I don’t know what you’re going through but that’s why you need to tell someone. You aren’t weak for seeking guidance and help. You aren’t weak for admitting you have a problem. Tell someone what’s wrong and pray they lift you up because you’ve been staying down for far too long and you don’t deserve it. Don’t spend so much time measuring your worth it keeping quiet because of “how important are my issues” or “ what good can someone like me even do, what can I offer and achieve when I’m like this.” Because you know what? I am someone like you too and I know I have a lot to offer even when I used to say I didn’t after all. I’m telling you my story and surely it’s gonna touch someone the right way. This words will reach someone’s heart and it will be enough to spark a positive change in at least one person, be it in a victim or a person who knows someone going through pain. Think about what you can offer. Believe me it’s not the end, it’s truly only the beginning, you still have the chance. You can still fight, you can still change and heal. Just take the first step.

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eldritchsurveys · 4 years

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984.

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? >> That’s a good question. Sparrow sees me in various states of undress sometimes, but I don’t remember the last time I was fully naked long enough to be seen by anyone. The only time I’m nude is when I’m in the shower or putting on moisturiser directly after said shower (which I do in my room).

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? >> I don’t want to do this. I wouldn’t want to do that to the person, either, like... that sounds traumatic as fuck. (Now, if it were an Inworld type of situation, that’d be way different.)

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? >> Various aspects of myself, I guess. But maybe they’re not truly lost. I have no way of knowing right now.

4. How would you describe your current mood? >> Neutral. I am rarely in an actual mood of any sort when I get this question, obviously -- I tend to only do surveys when I’m in this state, because it’s hard to focus on survey questions (or anything, really) if I’m actively having an emotion.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? >> I don’t remember.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? >> I don’t know, lying isn’t something I normally do -- unless lying by omission counts, because I don’t say literally everything that I’m thinking or tell everyone literally everything about a situation. Or whatever.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? >> Inworld.

8. What is your earliest memory? >> I have a vague impression of being on the floor of a dog breeder’s house? When we got my childhood dog Roxie, I guess.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? >> I often drink alone just because I’m in the house alone during the times when I’m most likely to drink. I like to just vibe, and not have to worry about “putting on my human suit” or whatever. Sometimes I like to be weird and dreamy or dance-y and vibrant when I’m intoxicated and I like to have space to do that.

10. What type of a drunk are you? >> I don’t know, I haven’t been drunk in a long time. I think at this point in my life I’m probably just a sleepy, cranky drunk. Which is partly why I don’t drink nearly enough to get there, lol.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? >> Death is the Road to Awe means a lot to me because The Fountain as a whole means a lot to me and the music is a big part of that whole yarn-ball of meaningfulness. It’s something I really can’t explain. The feelings I have about the movie and the song are on the “this is actually kind of painful in its intensity” level of emotional connection.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? >> I don’t remember. Revealing my feelings isn’t a common activity here in Mordredland, as I’m sure is obvious, and I rarely have any remarkable (or share-able) feelings about people anyway.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? >> I think the last time I was in a hospital was when Sparrow’s sister had her child.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? >> ---

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? >> I don’t classify drugs this way, so I don’t know how to answer this question. The drug I know I will never try is crack, and a drug I am interested in trying is shrooms.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? >> ---

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? >> I am uninterested in the “good person” designation. I just want to be valuable to and loved by a few people, maybe. That’d be nice.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? >> I don’t think I have an overall life philosophy, because that seems terribly impractical at best. Life is so complex. Maybe that’s a philosophy -- rejoice in and value the complexity of life. *shrug*

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? >> Hmm. I think a living thing should be allowed to live out its life and not be abused or willfully subjected to conditions that disrupt its quality of life. That’s really it, though.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? >> I don’t remember the last time that happened.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? >> I don’t know what the worst thing I’ve done to myself is, but one not-great thing I’ve done to myself is become a chronic self-injurer. One not-great thing someone else has done to me is, well, I don’t know, physically abuse me repeatedly?

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? >> I’m not sure.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? >> The fact that he emotionally abused me, probably. That’ll do it.

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? >> There are a lot of things I haven’t “gotten over” because their traumatic nature changed the way I am as a person and now I have to deal with that. I don’t really see a point in forgiveness, personally -- what I do see a point is forgiving myself and treating myself better than I’ve been treated.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? >> I don’t remember.

26. Where did your last injury come from? >> I don’t know! I just have this random gouge on my finger, like someone just took a small sample of my skin.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? >> Trying to describe the things I like is hard because 1) it’s often dependent on context and 2) it’s more... specific kinds of things happening in specific kinds of situations and I don’t want to like, have to lay out a whole scenario, lol.

28. What are you like during arguments? >> I have an insanely heightened physical response to conflict, for some reason (I say “for some reason” like I’m not literally post-traumatic, but I don’t know what exactly contributed to this particular symptom) -- crazy heartbeat, flushed skin, shaking, the whole nine. So I guess I’d say I go full monkey-brain during arguments and I tend to do/say whatever will get me the fuck out of the situation because I cannot process anything but “I’m in danger and these people are dangerous and did I mention DANGER”. I’ve been working on trying to express myself rationally during perceived-conflict or actual-conflict situations, but it’s a long process and mostly I just try to avoid getting into the position to begin with.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? >> *shrug* Who knows.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? >> Everywhere, when a person I’m available to in that way is doing it. (So, Inworlders.)

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? >> I don’t look into people’s eyes, period. It’s the practice of eye contact itself that is inconceivably difficult for me.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? >> I really don’t remember the last time I was legitimately furious (and not just using bluster to suppress a more vulnerable feeling).

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? >> Why was I in Honolulu, though...? I need more context for this situation that I cannot imagine myself in.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? >> Well, obviously I tell my spouse, and then I guess... some people I hang out with online? I don’t know what I would do with my remaining days because I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in that situation and how it would change my priorities. And, of fucking course I’d be afraid.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Usually when someone says that, a list of two things would follow. <--

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? >> I don’t work, so that’s the first problem with this question. In a general sense, though, I would probably risk a consequence of that caliber in order to try to save a life if I can. (I don’t know about this specific situation, though, because I can’t swim...)

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? >> It’s people that I trust and love (those are the same thing, sorry, I don’t get how they can be separate *shrug*) that would have the best chance of hurting me, because of the emotional attachment...

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? >> ---

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? >> No, man, we went through this already in an earlier question. No matter how you present the circumstances, I’m not bringing anyone back from the dead, period.

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? >> Well, I don’t know???

41. Does love = sex? >> Inworld, it does, because that’s just how it works for Us.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? >> ---

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? >> I haven’t done that in a long time, idk.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? >> I think the “I don’t love you back” conversation would be way harder, lmao. People get really upset about that sort of thing.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? >> *shrug*??

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? >> ---

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? >> No.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? >> My apartment is on the third floor... my biggest concern would be “how the fuck is this person walking on air???” I don’t know why I’d want anyone in particular with me -- why, so we can both be killed by this apparent superhuman? lmao.

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? >> If I felt confident in my ability to perform CPR, I might. I think it’s mostly the fear that I’m going to do it wrong and... idk, kill the person quicker? that would prevent me from doing it. It does sound vaguely irrational when I write it out like that, but hey.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? >> ---

51. Are you old fashioned? >> No.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? >> I’m not “nice to” people. I just treat people with basic respect and consideration, and of course I expect that in return...

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? >> ---

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? >> ---

55. What was the last thing you ate? >> A few toasted vanilla Smashmallows.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? >> ---

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? >> I don’t think any of the things that ended my friendships were stupid. It just sucked.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for? >> Inworld, probably... an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours? Outworld, I don’t remember or care.

59. What reality shows do you watch? >> I don’t think I watch any. I’m trying to think if anything I’ve watched on purpose qualifies as “reality” and I... don’t think so? Untold Stores of the ER is basically just dramatisations of allegedly-real stories, so maybe that’s the closest thing to reality tv that I watch? Man, I do love that show. Oh, wait, those cooking shows! Those are reality TV, right? Okay, yeah, I watch stuff like that.

60. Post a video of yourself here: >> No.

61. Where do you work? >> ---

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? >> ---

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? >> I don’t have a designated place where I buy most of my clothes. I shop for clothes so infrequently that it’s really just “wherever has the specific item that I want”.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? Getting tired of the unrealistic hypotheticals. <-- My constant mood with surveys.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? >> ---

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? >> Zero.

67. What kind of music do they have? >> ---

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? >> Oh, but I would go to either...

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? >> Yay :)

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? >> Ha! Hilarious.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? >> ---

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? >> Inworld I will spend all day cuddling if I can. Outworld, I legitimately cannot remember the last time I initiated a hug with someone. It’s been years.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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sunsmitten · 4 years

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This is something that’s been bothering me lately and i feel the need to give my two cents. im starting to see homophobic comments abt gay ships on my dash and while the people saying them may not think it’s homophobic, it is. no one has to really read this, it’s just something i want to put out there. it’s my personal experience with a group of people that were very Straight Ship centered, heteronormative, and would frequently make the very same comments others are starting to make here: “gay ships are being shoved down my throat so now i hate gay shipping and want nothing to do with it” or you know, stuff along those lines. if two people rping two girls kissing or two boys kissing bothers you in any way, literally, in any way at all, it is homophobia. and here’s a good chunk of how shit like that grows and can become something very harmful;

when i very first started rping on tumblr i had made an oc ( both the oc and blog are looooong gone by now ) that wasn’t very attracted to women romantically or sexually. he didn’t define his sexuality, but throughout that blog i made it clear he wasn’t really into women.

i eventually made friends with this group of people who also rped on tumblr. in the beginning everything was fine, great and fun! but after some time they would make me feel bad for only putting my oc in a relationship with a man. in order for me to be included and not repeatedly discarded by them, i would actively have to put my oc in a ‘straight ship.’ and unfortunately, that’s what i did. i immediately noticed a difference with how they treated me when i finally shipped my guy oc with one of their girls oc’s, and i would have to repeatedly sit through them saying transphobic and homophobic comments abt other people’s ships and muses ( it was the transphobia in this community that made me leave in the first place ). they would constantly express their bitterness towards m/m and f/f shipping on the internet bc it was “more popular” than their m/f ships, and when i would try to explain how that wasn’t a good viewpoint to have, I would be ostracized, guilt tripped, and forced to apologize and ‘admit’ that i was wrong.

as i got older and more comfortable with my sexuality, i really only ever viewed/read content centered around m/m and f/f because like. im gay. and i wanna see gay shit, ya know? but that didn’t really fly with them. they’d would continuously make me feel guilty for this, call me misogynistic for liking m/m and f/f over m/f because to them being gay and wanting to see gay content makes me hate women, and i was called the big word itself. Heterophobic.

one of the girls in particular, we’ll call her S, was very keen on telling me how awful of a person i was bc of my preference, how ‘straight shipping is oppressed’ on the internet and im only ‘feeding into the oppression.’ for 4 years she would manipulate me and make me feel guilty not only for the type of media i consumed, but for my sexuality in general. it got so bad to the point that i would have frequent panic attacks and i still got the throw up stain on my carpet to prove it ( i got one so bad bc of her i puked all over my bedroom floor and then fainted ). when i would try to reach out to the others abt what was happening behind the scenes, i’d either be ignored or my feelings were invalidated. to me, she was toxic, to everyone else, she was a wonderful friend. but that doesn’t excuse or make her treatment of me ok and it took along time for me to realize that.

again, please keep in mind this went on for 4 years. this started when i was finally comfortable with myself and then to be thrown in and stuck in this situation bc i was too much of a coward to leave really fucks with a person. her distaste, hatefulness, and bitter attitude for gay people/characters/shipping was all taken out on me every week for 4 years. i’m doing my very best not over-dramatize this but yeah, it was every week for 4 years she would send me paragraphs of how terrible i was for just being me. how shitty i was as a person, how im a terrible friend, how the content i liked wasn’t fair to her, a straight person, that i was predatory for being a masculine identifying person looking at other guys, and how lucky i was to have a friend like her that tells me when i’m ‘in the wrong.’

near the end of last year she sent me another one of these multi-paragraph messages. at this point, i had finally become very aware how fucked up of a person she is and how i was never in the wrong through any of this like she originally made me believe. instead of agreeing with her and apologizing, a ended up snapping back. i told her how i felt, how she wasn’t being fair to me, and that i felt she was being very homophobic. admittedly, her response wasn’t at all like i had expected. She apologized, told me i had opened her eyes to some things and she’ll work on getting better. this made me happy! i thought that maybe we could continue our friendship without anymore of the BS.

after that i took a good break from being online. i needed some time for myself and i needed to think some things over about my life. during this time, i realized how lax i was with S, how i let her and that whole friend group get away with so many things and i began to wonder if i should even go back. even after that talk i had with her, she was still very defensive against homosexual relationships and would get angry if someone expressed more interest in gay media than straight media.

i was away for a good couple months, i was healing and rising above that bad mentality she forced on me. i logged out of all social media and messenger apps so there was no way her or anyone from that group could contact me. i hadn’t heard from her in months, until i received a letter in the mail. She wrote me a letter. A two paged letter. A LETTER. A REAL, WHOLE ASS LETTER. just so she can continue to try and tear me down. she started by telling me how much she missed me, a little starter paragraph kissing my ass until it, very abruptly, turned into the usual “youre shit, terrible, bad, you have no respect for me or anything i create, you hate me bc im a straight woman-” you get it. but this time i didn’t care! nothing she said in that letter got to me like it used to. the only thing that bothered me was her persistence to make me feel bad. she genuinely wanted to continue to hurt me. but with that time away and probably because i was so used to it by then, it didn’t faze me.

i eventually went back to social media and kept my distance from that friend group. i still considered them my friends, bc when things were good, i had a lot of fun! and wanted to keep that in my life. But, I blocked S. I blocked her on everything so there’d be no way for her to contact me and if she wrote me another letter, i would simply rip it up. i made it clear i wanted to go our separate ways with no hard feelings, i didn’t talk to anyone abt what she had done. no mention whatsoever. i carried on my merry way bc i was moving past it. She did not.

When she figured out i had blocked her, she threw a tantrum. she twisted my words and painted me as the villain by showing out of context screenshots of what i had sent in response to her second to last message ( the one before the letter ). she told the people i was still friends with that i abused her for years bc she was straight and put me on full blast on the internet. she did this because i blocked her.

it all happened in the time span of a second; i lost all my friends, i was blocked by everyone and not only called a piece of shit by her, but by everyone i still cared deeply about. i was forced to delete all my social media accounts so i wouldn’t continue to be put on blast. for a week i was upset bc really, who wouldn’t be? but after that week i realized that if these people i called my friends just took S’s word for it and were all so eager to tear me apart bc she said so, they were never my friends. they never cared about me so why should i care if im not with them anymore? it was a real eye opening moment and my dudes, im doing fucking great. im so much happier without them all in my life and i can finally do the shit i want. be gay and indulge on harmless gay content.

so! to make the moral of the story clear. The people that are so butt hurt over gay shipping being more popular than straight shipping are people not to be trusted. it may seem unfair to lump them all into a category, and im not saying they’re all as toxic as S, but their mentality is homophobic. disliking anything gay bc it’s not straight, is homophobic. straight people are constantly represented in every source of media and if someone is bothered by the fact that gay people are indulging in gay shipping in the rpc, they are homophobic. there’s no way around it.

im still getting over S and all that she did. i know without her i wouldn't be as tough as i am now and unapologetic with what i like, but there’s a good part of me that wishes i never met her or that friend group. bc of her i struggle with my self esteem and my own internalized homophobia that only formed after i met her. i’ve come along way in the months after i officially cut myself off from them, but i know this is something that’s going to take some time.

#➴ OOC.☼#PSA;#sorry it's a long ass story but i feel like it needs to be said #im so so so tired of people complaining abt gay ships getting more traction than straight ones in the rpc #and anyone i see complaining abt it i immediately dont trust.#i rly went from 'im sorry im gay i dont mean to offend u :(' to #'idc abt ur straight feelings. die mad abt it. straight? i dont fuk with u.'#and that's what we call character development.#i was bullied relentlessly bc i liked to see two guys and two girls kiss and bc i AM a bro that wants to kiss another bro #by insecure straighties #Gay and Bitter

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