#because I didnt imagine so many people were going to agree with me lol

[zatyrlucy]

I have no issue with Striker being ace, but I find the reasons behind the headcanon very dumb. Like, now it turns out that if you don't like sex jokes you are ace? homophobic? c´mon.

What Striker wanted was a serious fight like the last one but what all these demons came out with was a ¨harder daddy¨ attitude? I would have reacted the same honestly.

[0547]

close to you! (xiao x oc oneshot)

“I was so cool, but then, all of a sudden, you saw me look at you.”

a/n : hey gang this was a spontaneous idea i got while listening to close to you by gracie 😭 anyways BYR: i didnt know if i wanted to make it oc or reader bc i already had a character imagined in my head lol um i could make this a series bc i see it building up haha i thought of so so many characters to do this with but ended up w xiao bc i think this would be a pretty interesting romance dynamic……. hes not so emo/rude js awkward teenager vibes but js lmk if u want more of this anyways enjoysies hihihi 🤞🏻❤️😝

the cold liquid splashed, making a sticky wet spot right on the boy’s shirt.

“oh my god. dude— im really sorry!” childe gasped, fishing out his handkerchief from his jeans back pocket, patting xiao’s chest frantically.

“just leave it. it’s fine—” the boy grumbled, ignoring the ginger’s worried eyes, untying his leather jacket from his waist and wore it over his shoulders.

“—when’s the grand act starting anyway?” xiao asked, his eyes scanning the empty stage. they both were standing quite close, in childe’s best efforts to ‘excuse me’ his way to the front.

ugh. he didn’t even like shows like this anyway. but since that old man was so happy that xiao reluctantly agreed to his father’s boyfriend to take him out, he couldn’t really say no to zhongli’s pleased face, (and though he wouldn’t admit it, childe’s beaming face too.)

so to his best efforts, xiao went out on this sunday night anyway, in attempt to have some ‘bonding time’.

“—now, i think. look! the ceiling lights are moving!” childe exclaimed excitedly, and the crowd around them matched his enthusiasm as the strum of the guitar echoed in the hall and people began to cheer.

“are you ready?”

the crowd roared.

the stage lights adjusted themselves over the lead singer, dressed in white laced dress, in contract of her shoulder length jet black hair, and charismatic… star-like? eyes.

she gave a big grin to the audience, her fingers going over her guitar, and that’s probably when xiao felt his heart stop.

it wasn’t because the performance was fully captivating, or that her voice was so melancholy the crowd was practically screaming in worship of the ethereal singer,

it’s when their eyes met, and her forehead was dripping with sweat from jumping around the stage, and how her eyes seemed to smile ever wider than her lips did.

-

once the performance was over, childe and xiao went back to sit at their table.

“hey, that was awesome right? i told you would have a good time!” childe chuckled, taking a sip of his orange juice (now in a cup with lid and straw, as he was afraid to spill it on xiao again.)

“i need a minute.” xiao said, excusing himself from the table, his heart beating wildly, unbeknownst to a confused childe.

he walked out of the building, sucking in the cold night air, and leaned against the exposed brick wall with closed eyes and a sigh, trying to place this adrenaline.

“enjoyed the show?” a voice beside him asked.

he flinched and whipped his head to … the lead singer that caused him this distress. she was.. smoking.

he gave a curt nod in response, and watched her throw out her cigarette, and leaned back the wall like him, staring into the sky.

“it’s kinda rare we get gigs in this area of town, but y’know, shit happens.” she said nonchalantly, sighing.

xiao didn’t know what to say to that. “um, shit happens.” he agreed, and they shared the silence for a while.

she turned to look at him, “so, are you from here?”

“i—“

“mari! where the hell are you!” a voice from the back alleyway bellowed. they both flinched.

“shit! right, sorry um, i have to go…?”

“xiao.”

“right! okay xiao. i’m mari. i’ll see you when i see you!” she waved goodbye, dashing back inside the building.

xiao watched the girl’s figure rush inside, and he too, followed her.

-

it was two weeks after the show, somehow his heart slowed to a normal pace when he talked to her, the cool singer girl.

he resumed his normal routine, school, exercise, helping zhongli do house chores, the general diligence good chinese sons have.

although it didn’t mean he could get her out of his head. it was probably because he never saw someone glow so brilliantly, so passionately…

he ended up sketching her face in corners of his exercise books. he sort of did it unconsciously, because when he realised what his hands created, he quickly scribbled over the face with ink.

i mean, he didn’t share the whole thing of girls with boys his age. he wasn’t even mildly interested in the magazines or the vulgar videos his peers would always invite him to watch. zhongli actually did express some concern and wanted to give a mortifying talk on how sexuality is a spectrum blah blah blah, xiao cut him off rather quickly and assured him he will let him know if he’s gay or not.

he did do some research if the band uploaded songs online, and they did, rows of recordings with as little as 400 views. he ended up fighting negative comments under their youtube videos, on their official instagram posts, even as far as following a twitter stan page and actively liking updates.

according to some trivia of the little known things about the members, mari was actually around xiao’s age, which made him hopeful, ha, as if they could ever be friends!

shes also known to be an outgoing and friendly person,

thats true, according to their short interaction, he noted to himself.

…and dislikes tofu.

what?

“how could she not like tofu… it’s literally the best comfort food.” he muttered under his breath in utter disbelief, as his hand hovered over the mouse. in his opinion, people who didn’t like tofu shouldn’t be trusted at all.

maybe he was sort of becoming a fanboy. maybe. but it wasn’t a big deal. it wasn’t. he just had this undying urge of wanting to get to know this girl for about half a month now.

-

mari’s voice singing in his earphones was in tune with xiao’s humming as he completed the conclusion of his essay he had to submit before lunch.

as he worked, the rowdy class became quiet, and hutao passed his desk and pulled the wired earphones out of his ear.

“oi, the teacher’s here!” she hissed, and carefully stood in her own seat, giving the usual class greeting.

as everyone echoed her, the teacher began to gesture someone outside the door to step in the class.

xiao felt his heart skip a beat when the person came in view.

the tofu hater?

“alright dear… come along now…! okay everyone, a bit unusual to have someone transfer in so late in the semester, but please welcome our new student, marin!” the teacher beamed, gesturing to mari, who fixed her newly worn glasses on her nose.

xiao couldn’t move. why is his pulse thumping so goddamn loudly?

“hello, i hope we can all get along.. please just call me mari.”

this was going to be a problem.

[marengogo]

hello heres are some naked series ideas if you don't mind ahem

jikook in japan ( when asked whats your fave memories of that day) sir jungkook said watching jimin playing on his phone until 5 am they were almost late for their flight lol

bon voyage commentary ( they asked jungkook the difference between bv1 and bv2) lmao he couldnt answer i wonder why😏

the fact that jungkook keep telling people namjoon is the reasom he joigned bighit dont sit right with me its like theyre a layer to it we'll never know... cos as a 14-15 yo he didnt even talk through it to his parent or sum.. and their first meeting tho i cringe...

minimoni idk why but i dont like that pairing...

in the soop jimin imitates the way jungkook "snores" and me thinks its the other kind cos who in their right mind snores like that are they fr💀

This is that famous ASK I have spoken about at the beginning of me answering ASKS.I received this ASK August 22, 2022 and it took me this long because of how I decided to tackle it. To begin with, there were a lot of topics I didn’t want to just breeze over (like the NamKook part). In addition, the tone of the whole ASK got me a bit itchy in all the wrong places, so I’ve been trying to keep my cringe at bay.

Hence … dear Anon, I do apologize for the delay in replying to this ASK, but here I am! And I’ll discuss the cringe-feeling I had with the tone at the very end, so hang in there with me that is if you are still around, cause gurl/boi/enby more than half a year is admittedly a long-ass time, I’ll give you that 😬😬.

So I’ve begun speaking about Minimoni and NamKook in the posts right here so please feel free to read those → MINIMONI & NAMKOOK. For the rest, let’s beginning with the first part of the ASK.

“JIKOOK IN JAPAN” 

Anon is referring to a specific infamous? moment that happened during BTS’ AbemaTV Christmas Special interview on December 21, 2017, which you can find kindly translated here by BangtanSubs. As always I base whatever I discuss on all the Original Content (OC) provided so, I’d always advise watching this content before continuing reading if you haven’t already.

I think I have touched the subject of translating privately in my DM, but I can’t quite recall if I have on my blog. Some of you may know that I can speak Japanese, to a level where I mostly don’t need subtitles (unless there is a vocab I don’t know which I then have to look up). Now translating for a fandom like BTS is: TOUGH AF. 

As you know we have solo stans, shippers, casual listeners, here only for the boys interaction, but not the music-stans, YOU NAME IT stans, so when someone provides you with a translation, for the most part they have to decide amongst 3 choice/courses of action:

Just translate the words and you can figure out implied meanings

I will translate in a way that the implied meaning is understood even if they didn’t say those words

Just translate the words, then take some time to make notes and explain what it could mean and also add already known facts with regards to the statement. 

If you ask me, choice 3 would have to be the way to go; always. BUT LET’S BE REAL. It takes hella time to translate correctly. Imagine having to explain everything, every time, when the demand for instant translations is so high, particularly in a fandom like ours, especially when there are many moments which translators feel nobody should misunderstand. 

Also, choice 1, prevents for the most part being attacked by people in the fandom, whereas choice 2 is the quickest way to getting things spectacularly wrong if you turn out to have mistakenly interpreted what you thought they meant.  All of the aforementioned, are the reasons why Choice-1-Translators are the most common. But if I may add my 2 cents, do take the time to find some Choice-3-Translators when/if you can. Obviously, not for everything, but when/if in doubt, look for multiple sources until you are sure you’ve found various reputable, different-in-nature, sources who agree on the same meaning. 

Good Choice-1-Translators are hella quick, 95% accurate and rely heavily on context. So what is the context of this Jikook-moment.

Following is the context as righteously translated by BangtanSub:

This is the actual Japanese part without the translate caption:

おもしろトーク is the construct which was translated as “funniest story”, which is not wrong, but like A LOT OF ANYTHING in Japanese it has nuance and other meanings. The word おもしろい (read omoshiroi) mainly means “interesting” and the second most common meaning is “funny”, as something funny is culturally considered also interesting it’s a bit complicated a concept to understand but stick with me for a sec. Anyways, the person with the most interesting/funniest answer would win the price. 

As they start answering, J-Hope begins with promoting his solo songs off the bat, which has nothing to do with his questions, hence in a way, it was kinda funny/interesting for him to answer like that LOL. And then it is JK’s turn. 

Now, this was 2 months after they had gone to Tokyo together and we know just how much they loved talking about this trip. They literally took every chance to mention it.

So when JK decided to talk about that trip, instead of an experience of them presently being in Japan, I’m sure nobody was shocked, however what I think happened then was that people gave too much importance to the “memorable” part instead of the “funny/interesting” part. I believe that JK told that story because the fact that they stayed up until 5am was truly memorable because it was truly funny/interesting to him.  

What happened in those hours that they remained awake using JM’s phone? I don’t know. But using JM’s phone seems to be something that JK does more often than not now lowkey JK doesn’t seem like someone who really uses, or cares much about his own phone.

In fact, if anything, the rest of the members seem to be the ones who were almost worried as to what JK would say. Hobi decided to just give him the gift before even allowing him to finish, JM seemed to agree with that idea, everyone seemed to be just waiting to see what would happen, almost like when JK told the “rainy day” story during BTS Festa 2020. JK seems to really like having everyone wonder what he is about to say, almost to the point where they are borderline anxious; he really liked likes that.

SO TO ANSWER YOU/ANON: JK didn’t say he was watching JM until 5AM though he might have, who knows right?. They were on JM’s phone until 5AM, doing what? If they don’t tell us; we will never know, but also I really don’t think JK would have shared something personal between the two of them if JM wasn’t okay with it but that’s just me. So basically, I really don’t think this was a big moment for Jikook. Interesting/funny? Sure. Moving On!

“BON VOYAGE 2 (BV2)” 

The live Anon is referring to is BTS’ reaction and commentary to their first episode of Bon Voyage Season 2.

These 2 lives both used to be on vlive. However, as we all should know, vlive and weverse have now merged, AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR US, these two particular lives seem to have been lost in the interweb as I couldn’t find them on weverse might try and look better later, BUT, you know me OC.OG. (Original Content OG), wasn’t going to pull up to this ASK reason why I ended up only answering to 1 ASK … without finding a way to make everyone participate in the same discourse, so I didn't stop until I found links to both cause;

It may take days IT TOOK ME FOREVER, but guys, the interweb never really forgets so keep trying, IT IS ALL OUT THERE after that, if you can't find anything, like anything in life, please do ask for help, but my people, at least give it a solid try first.

Aloha, Hawaii!:

Special Commentary Live:

BACK TO THE QUESTION! Just like the previously discussed “Jikook in Tokyo” Jikookers, who MOST LIKELY were not around when this happened, saw the following cut out clip and started thinking that perhaps JK was alluding to the things that he and JM went through BV2, and proceeded to make this a significant moment because of the way JM looked at JK when he was trying to explain the difference between Season 1 and Season 2.

Don’t get me wrong. I do think that the way JM looks at JK in this situation is actually endearing and unique to them, and I’ll explain why. If you watched the commentary video, quite clearly, JK HAD NO CLUE WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEASON 1 AND SEASON 2 WAS, at least with regards to them as a band, which was what that live was about “BTS reacting to Bon Voyage Season 2”. 

And the members knew that he didn’t, which is why they proceeded to start teasing him, saying that perhaps Namjoon should help him, but JK is a SORE LOSER; we all know that. He likes to win, no matter what, so he was going to say something, regardless of whether or not it was going to make sense or be impressive, and I think JM knew that and I think that THAT was the reason why JM was looking at JK in that way; he was waiting to see what this boi was going to come up with, and while doing that, his expression betrayed him for a couple of seconds, revealing that, even just that part of JK, was so cute, and like, “Why is he so cute even with stuff like this?!...” kinda way. 

SO TO ANSWER YOU/ANON: JM wasn’t staring at JK in that way because he thought about the fact that, for example, they didn’t show them in their room, or that perhaps they might have been playing footsie, ETC, which CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG, you seem to be implying? 

This may come as a shocker but I honestly don’t believe that Jikook is out there trying to out themselves. I think they are conscious of the situation they are in, be it a homophobic country, members' safety, or global repercussions. They know that, and they live with it the best they can. Believe it or not, they are very careful, until they are not; for a second or two in front of the camera, or longer off-camera AKA fuck up slightly. We still don’t know completely the type of humans they are, but whoever they are and whatever they choose to be for each other, once again; THEY ARE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN TO LOVE, LIVE & SURVIVE. 

Moving on to the last part! FINALLY. 

“IN THE SOOP - 1” 

Anon is talking about this particular moment from IN THE SOOP 1 Episode 1:

If you want to watch the whole episode:

I’ll keep this VERY short …

SO TO ANSWER YOU/ANON: No. I don't think that JM was imitating JK moaning. Because this is what you were implying right? If you had watched the whole episode though, you’d see that JM also imitates RM, so what? JM is randomly going around describing how members moan in their private lives? Common’ Anon …

And I will conclude this LONG-ASS POST discussing why I felt cringe by your whole post: IT WAS THE WHOLE “IMPLYING”. There was a general sexual and dissing undertone to your ask, and I might be wrong about my vibe-check, so as always feel free to correct me, but I really … was like *shiver-down-my-spine* about it. 

I am an adult. I don’t mind discussing adult topics. But like everything in life, there is a way and way to approach the topic. When it comes to people who, for the most part, are NOT DISPLAYING THEIR PRIVATE, AND SEXUAL, LIVES OVERTLY, you must know and understand there are boundaries right? Because even though they are not that open and out, the members are sensual beings in their craft and some also a little bit in their ways, and this part they don’t seem to mind displaying and THAT PART WITHIN PROPER REASON, ETIQUETTE AND BOUNDARIES I am very happy to discuss. 

NAKED is not a series I started to begin an AV CONTENT channel, it is a series to strip down moments to their core. Just re-explaining in case it was lost in translation. The fact that I just so happen to be a very sensual and flirty being is all about me. 

So let us not project. Okay?

Alright. Good. I’ll let y’all go, I'll continue answering ask later when I get back home from work!

Always respectfully yours  💜🫰🏾,

Marengo.

[delcakoo]

HEY KOOBEAR IM SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN TALKING TO YOU THE OAST 3 DAYS :((( I missed you sm 💗💗💗☹️☹️☹️😘😘😘😘🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍

we….. FINALLY MOVED IN!! I HAVE MY OWN BEDROOM!! We didn’t decorate it yet, I have a futon for a bed lol we’re waiting until prime day and thanksgiving for the deals. Saving money isn’t a habit it’s a LIFESTYLE 🥵 but I didn’t have internet for 3 days I was absolutely gonna go feral. I couldn’t listen to enha for so long I started hearing d-d intro randomly 😟😟 but whateva. I have a google mini and it serves as a scrumptious head banging jump upping move yo body speaker quality and I have drunk dazed playing on rn. BEST TITTLE TRACK FIGHT ME 🫵🫵👊👊💪💪🤬🤬💥💥‼️‼️

But like right tomorrow we’re leaving for India so I can’t talk to you for a month :(((( I’ll miss ur writings sm

Also my friend invited me to her awesome epic ass Halloween party BUT I CANT GO. SOBBING OSMBDJSND. HER PARTIES ARE ALWAYS SO FUN AND I LOVE DRESSING UP.

Also the new concert has me raving curling my toes punching the wall stabbing my gut crying tears head aching like I’m actually sad. THEM SINGING SHOUT OUT MY COMFORT SONG. Playing I need the light and shout out on my loud ass speaker rn it just feels right

But on the bright side she has a thanksgiving party, Christmas party OMG CHRISTMAS. AOMANDKW LYES, YES YES. THAT INE KPOP COVER OF ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMASS BLESSING FOR MY EARS OMFG. BLASTING THAT SHIT ATTEH CHRISTMASS PARTY OMGMGMGMG

Also an Amazon india you can get so much makeup for cheap it’s like 😲😲😫😫😡😡🫵🫵 GIVE RIGHT NKW DKAMDKWMD a lip tint for 44 dollars here is like 13 ish dollars on Amazon India like dayum 😱😱🤭🤭 also not to brag but I got 3 properties of dirt soil and brick in my name in India 🤩🤩 a house, an apartment complex, and a mansion mhmhmnmjm when I literally came from the womb I was gifted with gold. Ain’t ever accepting no less from a partner. My standards are sky high so either be anyone from enhypen or treat me like a queen or just don’t bother. I say all this acting like I’d pull anyone 😍😍‼️‼️💪💪

Speaking of pulling people my hot ass cute ass pretty ass scrumptious ass friend didn’t :(((( she liked some guy who wears highlighter shirts (get rid of them 4eva) and he was kinda ugly ngl but my queen deserves better idc he just wasn’t the one. But basically I had gym and then German after and I saw my queen in the hallways and she was like “WAIT HES IN UR GYM?!” And I said “yeah and in my German tew” and she was like “PLSPLSPLSPLSLKSOLSLS ASK HIM IF HE LIKES ANYBODH BE DISCREET ABT IT” and I was gonna ask him bc me and my friend were walking and he and some guy (NAMED JAY 😱😱😟😟🥺🥺) were walking and jay was like “yo are (kuma’s queen) and you going to the Halloween dance” and he was like “nah bro” and jay was like “well (kuma’s queen) likes you imagine” and I was just quietly listening to them talk ish abt her and it broke my heart :( BUT TLEAST WE KNOW HE AINT IT MY QUEEN DESERVES HER KING FRL if he ain’t taking her out I will she deserves the world omg

Sorry for so many paragraphs I would’ve cut this inbetween 3 days but no internet ☹️ HYD MLOVE MDEAR MDARLING I HOPE UR HAVING A GOOD DAY BBG 😘😘💗💗‼️‼️😍😍

AHHHHH KUMIE WUMIE HIHIHI MY LOVE, I MISSED U SM TOO :((((

WTF WTF WTFTWTETFTWR KUMA I LITERALLY FINISHED WRITING THE ENHA WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD THAT YOU REQUESTED HOLD ONNNN AHAISN. OKAY YKNOW WHAY IM GONNA POST IT IN A FEW MINUTES SO YOU CAN READ IT BECAUSE IT WAS LITERALLY FOR YOU and plus im on my period rn it sucks GRAHHHH OKAY JUST WAIT

AJSJSHKDNDH IM SO HAPGY FOR YOU, THATS A SHAME YOU HAVE TO WAIT TO DECORSTE BUT ITLL BE WORTH IT!! AND SO TRUE DRUNK DAZED IS THE BEDT TITLE TRACK I’LL FIGHT WITH HOU 🔥🔥‼️‼️✊✊✊

DONT SPEAK TO ME AB THE CPNCERT OKAY. IM STILL MOURNING AND SCREAMING AND PRETENDING IT DIDNT HAPPEN ❤️

DAMN WTF WHY DOED UR FRIEND HAVE SO MANY PARTIES 😭 THATD GOOD U CAN ATTEND THE OTHER ONES AND OMFG YOU KNOW THAT COVER????? BRO 100% AGREE ITS A LITERAL EARGASM WENDYS VOICE IS INSANE, AND BANGCHANS HARMONY HAD ME CRYINGJGNG I LISTEN TO THAT COVER RELIGIOUSLG I WISH IT WAS ON SPOTIFY 😭😭😭✊✊

DAMN WTF.. I WANNA GO NOW GIRL GET A SHIT TON OF STUFF AND MAKE SURE TO DO A HAUL FOR ME OKAY ‼️‼️‼️

UM YES YOURF RIEND DESERVES BETTER.. NOT THE HIGHLIGHTER SHIRT 🧍 AND OMG JAY?? jaY ENHYPEN GOES TO UR SCHOOL REAL?? 👁👁

EDIT: I JUST REALISED I READ THIS A DAY LATE AND NOW UR IN INDIA 😭😭😭 IM SOBBING IM CRYJGNFH IM SO SORRY KUMA NOOO MY LOVE, OKAY I’LL POST IT RN ANYWAY IN UR HONOR 😭😭😭😭💖💖💖❤️💖❤️💖❤️

[bellamyblakru]

y’know, ever since the bellarke fiasco, i began to think about shows with the trope “the head and the heart,” with clarke and bellamy as the paragon (especially because they switch a lot with who is the head/heart). (so, im doing a rewatch of the vampire diaries (because im a sucker for it and its been my comfort show since i was like 15), and i had the thought that elena has always, and will always be, my favorite character because she is the heart of the show essentially (imo ofc). she is basically compassion personified.)

AND THIS GOT ME THINKING ABOUT MERLIN (as everything leads back to merlin). with this trope in mind, you have arthur and merlin, as arthur with his head and merlin leading with his heart. it can’t be a coincidence that my favorite characters usually are the heart of the show?? now. you can argue that it’s the other way around, and, well, i wouldn’t totally disagree; however, at the end of the day, merlin chose his heart over head, big time, so that’s my official stance. i’ve talked about how merlin chose arthur over destiny before (how destiny’s fuck you was going through with merlin’s immortal life as his curse for picking the mortal over their cause), but there are so many instances where merlin shows he is the heart.

arthur is brilliant. i mean, he has big himbo energy half the time, but, come on, this man was bred to rule. he is strategic, logical, and intelligent. he is a fair and just king because he is capable of thinking like a great monarch—aka the head.

merlin is more complicated. everyone is well aware he is my favorite character (i dont keep that a secret LOL), which is why i always tend to write in his pov more. when he first gets to camelot, this kid is pure heart. pure in the sense of innocence, excitement, and the anticipation of adventure. of course, as the seasons progress, you watch our hero fall deeper and deeper into the hellhole of destiny, and choices, and love, and loyalty. and it fucks with him, makes him tougher, makes him realize that the only godforsaken thing he gives a fucking shit about is keeping arthur and his kingdom alive. no more fairytale thoughts of magic being freed, no more fantasies of merlin ever showing his family who he really is, no more ideas of getting recognition for what he has done. honestly, he probably would rather not take recognition because of his view of himself and his failures—each step he took was ultimately the wrong one as it all lead to arthur’s demise. there are two examples i can think of rn: when he let the large lizard live and when he told arthur there is no place for magic in camelot. with the first, that act alone was one born of mercy, compassion, and empathy. he understands that the deaths the dragon caused was a combination of his fault and the dragons and uthers. he understands that uther is to blame for the lizard’s pain and anger. he fucking understands being the last and only one of your kind—of being alone in a world that despises every breath you had taken since the minute you were born. merlin is smart, but i imagine when some people watched him tell arthur that magic cannot come back, they were like,,, what the fuck merlin?? but when i watched it originally, and still now, i focused on colin’s eyes. he was about to burst into fucking tears. imagine picking arthur’s life instead of something you’ve longed for since you could remember. arthur’s life meant more to him than freedom, than his own life, than anything destiny had shoved down his fucking throat for YEARS. you can literally watch merlin’s heart break and snap into a thousand different pieces and slapped back together with double sided tape when arthur actually agrees. with either choice, merlin was going to lose something. one, his arthur. two, his essence. (and bam, he lost both at the end anyways so it didnt fucking matter 🥰).

so, yeah. merlin is the heart and arthur is the head. thank you if u got this far. im exhausted yeet

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

[kendrixtermina]

Interesting details about the 3 houses cast (From dialogue in ‘Heroes’)

The first name Ferdinand’s father is ‘Ludwig’ and he is apparently an insufferable braggart who also said his own name alot

Before moving into her uncle’s castle, Anette spent her early childhood in a small, humble house in the Capital. Gilbert & his wife couldn’t afford domestic servants so she did the chores herself.

Mercedes’ father died in a “conflict in the empire”. Before he died, he taught her mom the secret recipe that Mercedes mentions in the Constance and Dedue supports. A bit of her fatalistic passive attitude early on comes from feeling that she couldn’t change much about her life while she and her mom were being mistreated at the Bartels’ home

Claude has a lot of fun with the mushroom poison.

Despite their student’s glowing opinions, Byleth isn’t actually all that confident about their professor-ing, which is probably not unexpected given how the job was suddenly dumped in their lap.

They’re somewhat uncertain about whether they have real connections with people beyond just the professional level. I guess that’s another parallel to Edelgard.

Someone observed that they look “more like a mercenary and less like a teacher” while they’re fighting.

Apparently their students described them as “a bit eccentric at times”

They seem to like/appreciate it when other ppl can pick up what they’re really feeling/thinking. (I really hope Jeralt knew that) 

 It’s considered rare for Claude and Dimitri to agree on anything

The sad thing is that the trio is noted to be quite effective when they cooperated. I guess we also saw this in Cindered Shadows

There is a hilarious sequence where Byleth is like, “This may call for drastic measures” and everyone starts looking at Claude and correctly assuming that he’s probably already cooking up some sort of crazy plan

 Ferdinand apparently likes the “refined way” that Edelgard swings her axe

Petra considers hunting one of the most important skills you can have, both because you acquire many crucial materials (like leather etc) and because it also hones a lot of skills. Bridgid is very green & plentiful, so most people do some degree of hunting and even the rulers are expected to know it. Someone remarks that it’s probably a culture that places emphasis on self-sufficiency. That’s an interesting way to think about it, especially if you think about Petra’s attitudes, how she approaches even this cobjectively crappy political hostage situation as an opportunity and has a very problem-solvy approach to things. I’d noted that, but I’d never connected it with the hunting thing; I thought it was just Petra being awesome, which it basically still is, but it adds a cool layer to consider how she got this way and how this may be her way to stay close to her homeland’s values even in exile.

“In Brigid, there is a phrase we say. A gray sky will be pierced by the sun. A raging tide will be leading to land. Beyond failure, success is waiting.” 

Hubert seemed to know that he ten elites fought against the godess even pre timeskip. 

He also sees Edelgard as one of the few ppl who really paid attention to him when he was younger -  I guess this goes with this understated complex he has about his looks & personality.

Edelgard likes to just lie around and relax, but only when she’s all alone. At least pre timeskip or pre holy-tomb scene she didn’t think like she could really be herself in the company of others. She does seem to put some deliberate thought into what image to project/embody

Dimitri seems to think that having a crest (and high status) makes it his duty to protect & take care of the people – I guess that’s another way in which he’s completely ruled by obligation. He gets characteristically intense about this. “My life was never mine to begin with, I guess I haven’t the right to throw it away”

the glorious “nice weather” exchange has already been posted. Edelgard (and Lysithea) are the first to clarify that they shouldn’t bring their grudges into this situation since they’re not in Fodlan atm.

Edelgard and Claude are beyond shook when AzureMoon!Dimitri actually agrees. Chill Dimitri is apparently not something they ever imagined. He is obviously the most changed in “his” route, with the other two its no less profound but a lot more subtle. 

Lysithea has an interest in botany (now I really want her to talk plants with Bernie )

Hilda: “I haven’t heard about there being a future me here. She’s probably busy relaxing on a beach or something…”

Mercie and Anette immediately reassured each other that their future selves are probably cute af. Aww

 This is probably unsurprising, but future!Dimitri is still very tormented by his less than stellar actions during and right after the timeskip

Small Dimitri is heartbreakingly surprised to hear that there’s any version of him that’s alive and on the throne, though he hides it because his friends (or at least Annie and Mercie) did not have such doubt

Edelgard decides from the get-go not to concern herself with the future version of her. I get the sense that she really wants to avoid the scenario where she allows her resolve about what she feels absolutely must be done to falter after meeting a regretful future version of herself; I really like this, I know some haters will probably spin this into something about her not caring about the consequences of her actions but it really circles back to how she’s philosophically all about self-determination & can’t let something like a future possibility determine what she does… nor can she back off a sacrifice meant for the greater good just because it might turn out poorly for her (which it does, just not in the CF timeline that this particular future version is from)

 Cut to the future versions who have contrasting ideas about what to do about their tiny selves. Claude thinks they should not risk causing any time paradoxa. Dimitri ponders the thought of warning his younger self (and past!Byleth). Edelgard doesn’t think it would make any difference at all, especially since they would each be showing their tiny self the timeline where they win.

Though I guess one think to consider here is probably that Dimitri would be the most surprised by a sucessful older version of himself

Claude eventuallly agrees, since they were each doing what they thought was best (Claude, too, is sort of uniquely situated to grasp this as the one who can part on good terms with each of the other two in their respective timelines) – though he’s hoping that the time crash will maybe send their younger selves in a different direction (in which you see that this is distinctly VW!Claude & thus a bit more hopeful)

 the others actually agree & it ends with a fun semi-friendly sparring match

 Edelgard wants to show past!Byleth how awesome she’s going to be in the future

it is very in line with my interpretation of her character that she would describe her own disproportional strenght as “hideous”

Claude’s lines are solid gold in this. Like he’s just being aggressive irrevent to bridge the obvious awkwardness “Go on, we’re old dining hall palls!”

This gets Lysithea wondering what might’ve happened if they’d actually graduated as planned. I mean I kind of respect that they DIDNT put in a golden ending but I guess if you want one you can imagine that they got one after returning from Askr I guess.

let’s just hope that “the timeline none of them experienced” doesn’t just turn out to be silver snow lol

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 3 notes popping off

due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.

ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?

ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.

ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.

ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes

ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.

ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.

ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.

ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.

ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.

ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.

ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.

ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.

ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.

Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.

Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?

ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?

ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.

ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!

ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?

ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again

110: who wants to bet its a leitner?

111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.

112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...

113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough

114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?

115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?

116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.

117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.

118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.

119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!

120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.

[bigskydreaming]

The really great thing about allowing Dick and Jason to have a good relationship before A Death in the Family IMO, is that it opens up sooooo many more possibilities for AFTER Jason’s return.

For example:

Imagine a scenario where Bruce is gone for a week or so, the ever so useful “there was an offworld mission or something” excuse will do. And during that time, Dick and Jason are patrolling and working together....and they have an encounter with a particularly nasty villain or serial killer or whatever you want to go with. The bottom line is something happens during that particular adventure of theirs that leaves them shaken enough that they agree not to tell Bruce about it (believing the guy is dead or something), and then they try and put it behind them and never speak of it again.

Except then cut to a few years later, after Jason has come back but before he’s reconciled with the family, things are still strained and tense when their paths so much as cross, but with added angst because an actual brotherly bond torn asunder by death, trauma and lots of changes gives you way more fodder to work with IMO than the singular facet of Dick feeling guilty for not knowing Jason better - I mean, you have to at least admit that does limit your options considerably, in terms of their interactions, BUT I DIGRESS.

But anyway, Jason doesn’t have anything against Dick in the way he does against Bruce, other than accepting Tim into the fold (which he does understand in a way, because its not all that different from when Dick accepted him into the family and Robin role despite having plenty of legitimate reasons to be a lot more reticent about that).....but they avoid each other because its just kinda painful, the fact that they don’t KNOW each other anymore, not the way they used to understand each other in ways even Bruce couldn’t always follow or understand. Plus Jason’s attack on Tim, even leaning on the Pit madness as an altered state of mind mitigating circumstance....like, that’s still a hard thing to get past, one brother being like “Hey, lets do movie night tomorrow and totes just skip over the awkwardness of me just coming from hanging out with Tim who still has bandages on account of you trying to kill him the other day”.....its not the easiest thing to navigate, yeah? 

And the fact that while Jason does understand its not fair to expect Dick to have like, iced out this kid he didn’t go seeking out or anything, just for the sake of Jason’s memory.....that understanding comes and goes with how rational or not he’s feeling any particular day, because he GETS it, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it and he is after all only nineteen, and capable of bouts of pettiness, lol.

So even without Dick barely knowing Jason or Jason hating or resenting Dick, there’s still plenty of roadblocks in the way of an easy brotherly reunion, plenty of understandable and valid emotions and priorities and choices that make everything a confusing mess and create conflicts of interest and just a general miasma of uncertainty where its like, even though they miss each other and would love to get back their sibling bond, they don’t even know where to begin trying to go about that, you know? And throw in the state of affairs between Bruce and Jason still, which can be summed up as picture the Cold War, but now when you picture ‘Cold’ think ‘Ice Age’ and you’re almost there.

Like. That is the Mt. Saint Helens of roadblocks right there. A big ass volcano sitting in the middle of the road and just cuz its dormant now doesn’t mean that it couldn’t at any minute erupt and blow its top and destroy everything within a several hundred mile radius, and that’s just before Bruce and Jason REALLY get steamed, like, that’s just their warm-up.

So. Y’know. Difficulties. They abound.

But now throw in secrets from the time before Jason died that only the two of them know and they never told anyone else, and adventures they had when it was just the two of them, Jason visiting Dick in Bludhaven or Dick enabling Jason in playing hooky in Gotham because at that time Dick rotates methods of pissing Bruce off and that’s his go-to move for Tuesdays, and crimes they solved together like Dick was working on an investigation and let Jason weigh in to practice his deductive reasoning without Bruce and thus impress him with how much he’s improved. 

(My personal headcanon of brotherly advice Dick imparts to Jason on how to deal with Bruce is him telling Jason “when dealing with a man who thinks holding impossible expectations IS taking it easy on someone, he doesn’t understand the question, can you repeat it please....like, in that case there’s no shame in stacking the deck a little, whenever that’s possible.’)

Anyway, point being.....all you really need is one singular bad guy that only Dick and Jason faced, together, when they were younger. Someone particularly nasty or sadistic, enough to disturb even them despite how much they’ve seen and lived. And who for whatever reason, both of them believed to be gone for good, maybe they thought he fell off a cliff into a conveniently placed body of water where no body could be found or blah blah blah look you’re smart cookies, you get it.

Take those few simple ingredients, chuck them in a metaphorical bowl and stir them all together and then leave on low heat to simmer.....

And voila. Just like that, you have a ready-made situation that forces Dick and Jason, specifically, to work together despite how tense and fractured things are between them, and needing to find a way to repair their brotherly bond and figure out how to work together the way they used to.......thanks to everyone’s favorite Tropey McTroperson wherein a villain most foul, long believed dead, seems to be back and up to his old villainy.....and only those two who faced him before know how to stop him.....and despite all the reasons they come up with in their heads for why teaming up together now is just a recipe for disaster and doomed to failure, this is on them. 

They were the ones who stopped this guy before, they were the ones who mistakenly believed he was dead and the threat he posed was gone for good.....which makes his dastardly return....dun dun dun.....unfinished business for them. Its personal. 

All the completely valid, well-reasoned and justifiable arguments for why its absolutely bonkers for them to try and make like the Dukes of Hazzard on this case as if they’re not at least a little bit miffed at each other for various things involving killing certain people and not killing certain people and trying to kill certain people and being totally unreasonable about the trying to kill certain people.....none of that is enough to get in the way of them doing their best to put all that aside for now and team up to stop this guy for good, the way they should have the first time.

Because let’s face it. One of the definitive areas of common ground that Dick and Jason share is when things are personal....they take it VERY personally. And when they feel responsible for something, like, you could get God on the phone to personally deliver absolution and assure them it wasn’t their fault, and they’d still be like “LOL yeah, okay, that’s a good one ‘God.’ Didn’t know all-knowing deities could be super hella wrong about things but hey, everyone’s allowed an off day I guess.”

Anyway.

Two brothers estranged due to extreme circumstances, trauma, loss, grief, blame, the completely unreasonable and frankly just rude passage of time, and assorted other reasons ranging from “you stole my favorite weapon-Bruce-definitely-didnt-know-I-had-and-kept-as-a-souvenir when I was fourteen and you STILL haven’t given it back” to “you can’t just shoot someone as your way of ending an uncomfortable conversation, Jason”......

But force them together via external situations or shared goals, and you have the perfect excuse to sidestep a lot of the more impossible to navigate conflicts born of comic book writers who don’t freaking know how to CHILL when piling on the family dysfunction......and engineer a situation where they pretty much HAVE to retrace previous footsteps, comb their memories for every detail they can recall about that case and in the process remember how close they were then, fall back into old patterns and rhythms while working together....and various other things that give you everything you need to transplant them mentally and emotionally to a time before all those conflicts and problems created by other people, not them, when things were....better. 

While through the mere fact they’re successfully able to fall back into old habits and patterns of working together at all.....you can put them face to face with evidence that despite how much they’ve both changed and everything that’s come between them, they are still fundamentally the same people they always were, and the shared experiences and common ground and all of that which enabled them to become brothers in the first place....its all still there, still able to be brought back out and dusted off and then used to forge a new brother bond that takes into account the ways they’ve changed since they last truly knew each other.

And none of that erases or solves the various complications and conflicts and issues that do still exist in the present, because of everything that’s happened in the past few years and the things they’ve all done.....BUT, it allows for Dick and Jason at least to rebuild or find a new, sturdy foundation on which to stand and plant themselves before wading back into all of that.....so at least now they do so with firmer footing, and with a clear direction and goal in mind.....navigating the emotional minefield from their respect opposing sides.....and aiming to meet somewhere in the middle.

And then with one family bond rejuvenated, revitalized and consciously reaffirmed by both of them......then its that much easier to turn their attentions to the rest of the family, one by one, and repair or forge those bonds through a concerted effort....not just Jason on the outside looking in, or members of the family on the inside looking out at him like he’s a poor, lost soul they need to save (I can’t help but picture Jason upchucking at the very thought, eww, how dare they)......but rather, a mix of both. Jason making his way back into the family via walking side by side with an ally on the inside who is still keeping pace with him so they can present a united front while they work towards a common goal they both want.....a family that acts like a family instead of like.....idk, y’know, that thing they act like in the comics that’s called ‘a family’ but also, they all hate each other and wish everyone else would die except for the times when they forget the others even exist at all.

Anyway. That of course, is just one angle that can be taken with them, out of the many possibilities that arise just from letting them have a good relationship before Jason died.....and all the shared history, in-jokes, secrets, camaraderie, grief, etc that comes with that.

My point is just.....I talk a lot rant a lot about the fanon and fic tendency to paint them as having barely known each other back then and with it largely blamed on Dick having been a stand-offish asshole because he has a chip on his shoulder named Bruce and its not a chip at all its actually Mt. Everest, yup, the whole dang mountain, yetis and all.......

And then I kinda just....keep it there on that and how much it bugs, because, y’know. It bugs.

BUT.

In keeping tunnel-vision locked on that and nothing else, I’ve never really expanded on the other byproduct of this fanon tendency that I think is worth considering:

And that’s the fact that this angle, this story? The one where Dick was a douche and Jason doesn’t really like him because of that until Dick apologizes for being a douche back then and begs for a second chance to do better, etc, etc? Its been told. Literally hundreds of fic writers have written that story by this point, and in the process limited...confined themselves, to this one singular possible dynamic between Dick and Jason when the thing is, like....that’s pretty much the ONLY story and angle that can result from Dick and Jason barely having a relationship before he died.....basically just various executions of acknowledging their previous lack of a relationship, assigning blame, making apologies and granting forgiveness, and then from there building a relationship from scratch. 

Obviously, people come up with unique spins on this all the time, I’m not saying the stories that do this are all exactly the same....just that there’s an innate ceiling to that particular premise, because when that specific dynamic of ‘no relationship really existed before’ is your one and only starting point......there’s only so many places you can go from that, and wind up in the present where you then proceed to have them make a relationship for the first time.

BUT. But but but but but.

The second you allow for the possibility that Dick and Jason DID have a relationship before ADITF, and it just happened largely ‘offscreen’ due to the fact that no solo Nightwing or Robin titles existed back then so there was nowhere to showcase just the two of them together......

You open up like.....so many more possibilities and angles and avenues and directions.

Because the thing is, y’know how so many people in fandom pride themselves on not feeling constrained by canon, or better yet, speak fondly about the idea of just taking a flamethrower to the whole damn thing and cackling maniacally while shouting “This one’s for Bruce/Dick/Jason/Tim/Cass/whomever your fave fam member of choice might be”?

Well. I mean. *spreads hands*

The second you flip the switch from “Dick and Jason barely knew each other and mostly didn’t like each other, this is the only canon that exists despite the fact that we just made it up because we could and canon can suck it”.....to.....”Dick and Jason did have a relationship and were close before Jason’s death, its just we never saw it develop on the page due to logistical constraints”......

Suddenly.....you have THREE WHOLE YEARS of possible interaction that you can literally cram full of WHATEVER YOU WANT, and canon can’t say a damn thing about it because its Schrodinger’s Adventures of Nightwing and Little Wing......without any canon viewing point set up to observe these interactions and thus force them into a singular form that you either like or you hate and set on fire.....those Adventures can look like aaaaaaaaaaaanything you want, and canon can kiss your patootie if it doesn’t like it!

Its three whole years of “lost family history” just waiting to be mined for all kinds of treasure, and you can unlock it in any number of ways once Jason returns, to any number of potential end points.

They could have faced villains together just by themselves during that time, they could have teamed up on investigations. They could have had sleepovers, Dick could have helped him cram for tests or covered for him when he just needed to take a mental health day because dealing with Gotham’s upper class can be exhausting and he doesn’t know how to explain that to Bruce in a way that won’t just lead to Bruce saying “I know, I get it, I hate it too” even though the ways in which its exhausting to Bruce and the ways its exhausting to Jason are not the same and not interchangeable.....but he doesn’t have to explain that to Dick, because Dick is closer to an understanding of it, he’s been there for a version of that himself, and they were assholes to him because of his lower class and unorthodox upbringing too.

You could have Jason tagging along on various official or unofficial Titans missions or just meet-ups, the way Jason teamed up with them for the Brother Blood story without Bruce ever knowing. Dick’s kid brother that nobody minded him bringing because they all adored him, and thus just by having him and Dick get along, you open the door to Jason having established dynamics and history with any number of Dick’s friends, allowing for a wide range of potential reactions to Jason and his Red Hood persona after he comes back.

You could have Jason being really invested in his brother’s relationship in Kori because he thinks Kori is just the fucking coolest, or you can have Jason secretly shipping his brother and Babs and thinking they’d be a much better match but keeping quiet about his opinion as long as Dick’s happy with Kori. You could have Jason panicked and turning to Dick for help and advice the first time he asks a date to one of his school’s formal dances, because he’s pretty sure he’d be able to provide actual proof that spontaneous human combustion IS possible, if he had to ask Bruce for romantic advice, like, aside from the fact that he’s seen flies trapped in amber whose relationships appear to advance at a faster pace than Bruce’s does with Selina, that’s his DAD, eww, he can’t ask his DAD to fill him in on what’s normal to expect and likely to be expected of him on this kind of/level of dating, but Dick? He can go to Dick for that, and imagine the adorbs potential. 

And the likelihood of various Titans coming up with the flimsiest of excuses to keep popping into the room in order to spy on the adorbs-ness, and the literal natural disaster that is the combination of Wally, Roy, Garth, Gar and Joey all trying to be ‘helpful’ and offer their own dating tips to Jason, while Donna and Lilith kick back with some popcorn while taking shots at the various boys’ expertise and credentials in this matter, if they’re gonna be offering advice to an impressionable young teen who doesn’t deserve to be saddled with having to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And on and on and on. Three whole years you can fill with any manner of adventures, secrets, shared stories, confessed ambitions and hopes and dreams for the future, commiserating on the parts of growing up in the spotlight in Gotham that Bruce just can’t relate to, sharing things from their pasts that they’ve never even told Bruce about purely because there are some things that are just easier to tell or talk about with a sibling close to your age than to your father.

But you see what I’m saying? Rounding Dick and Jason’s early relationship down to the barest bones until its practically being non-existent......that makes for a paragraph or at most a chapter dedicated to covering that ground, something that everyone pretty much expects to pop up in a story in order to address that history they have, or lack there of. And thus its never really a surprise to see it, there’s not a ton to take away from it, and it oftentimes ends up kinda just being filler despite even the best writers’ best attempts to make it engaging.....because there’s just not a lot to say about a relationship whose defining aspect is it didn’t really exist, and I’m pretty sure most writers would love to simply skip past that entirely and not even bother addressing it because it FEELS like writing filler a lot of times, I imagine. But at the same time, you kinda HAVE to include it and can’t really come up with a way to just leave it out entirely, without having a gaping hole in the meat of your actual story that explains how Dick and Jason got from there to here. Its a part of the story that everybody already knows, or expects.....but still demands being included, because canon just skipped over that entirely so there’s nothing from canon to even reference when shifting Dick and Jason into the kind of dynamic you want them to have or grow after his return.

And so its a paragraph or two paragraphs or a whole chapter that nobody really ever wants to write, because there’s not a whole lot of new ground to cover with it, and its kinda a cause for resentment, being stuck having to include it in every story covering Jason’s return anyway, even though there’s only limited ways you can stretch and exercise your creativity and expand on that particular angle.

But with Dick and Jason having an actual relationship pre-ADITF that is filled with nothing but whatever you choose to fill it with, whenever you feel like delving into it or dusting off an old memory or vacation or want to reveal some long-buried secret only the two of them know.....the sky’s the limit. Instead of that standard stock paragraph/chapter rehashing the take on that particular story that everyone already knows but narrative structure forces everyone to shoehorn in somewhere anyway.....there’s more than enough in those three lost/secret years of family history, especially specific to Dick and Jason, to serve as the basis for entire fics exploring that time, digging up secrets or mysteries that originated in that time, reminiscing about that time or diving back into existing dynamics with people Jason met through Dick during that time without having to write Jason meeting them or only getting to know them for the first time as an adult.

(Omggggggg, imagine a story that’s just Dick and Jason and Uncle Clark, or Dick and Jason and Aunt Diana, and like, Bruce is like I GO OUT OF TOWN FOR ONE NIGHT AND YOU SOMEHOW END UP WITH MY KIDS HELPING YOU FIGHT AN ALIEN/DEMON INVASION ON SOME OTHER PLANET/DIMENSION??? WHAT THE HELL!)

In conclusion, you hate canon and how much it fucks with the Batfamily? Totally with you. But this is the one period in these characters’ lives where canon doesn’t actually weigh you down or cage you in if you don’t want it to....instead it gives you the gift of being whatever the hell you want it to be, just so long as you make sure everyone ends where they need to be by the time ADITF happens. (Assuming you don’t just end up going full AU by that point since there’s no law saying Jason HAS to die or else the DC universe will destabilize and implode in upon itself).

Anyway, I’ve waxed poetic about this long enough, I think, and without a single line of poetry to show for it, but that’s for the best. Me to poetry is like a butcher to a carcass, but only if this particular butcher is very bad at his job and always makes a mess everywhere, and it just never ends well for anybody.

And now, as usual, I end an overly long post that exhausted my brain cells and made me sputter to a stop just before I come up with an ending to the post that actually makes sense and isn’t just me going, hey you know what, maybe there is something to be said after all for the Sopranos’ sty - 

[katslitg]

how the open heart lis would react to you being pregnant. (obvs jackie’s pregnant in her scenario.)

Jackie Varma:

god she’d be pissed!!!!!!

“what do you mean positive??? check the other ten tests!!!!”

“jack, all of them say posi-“ “shut up!!!”

she’d be mad, mostly at herself for not being careful enough

pregnancy on top of money problems is rough

good thing you two already live together

wouldnt acknowledge it until she started showing

“dr varma, ure pregnant???” “yeah, just ignore it.”

shed ignore you at the beginning, not knowing what to do

“jackie, c’mon, you cant keep ignoring me! it takes to two to tango!” “i can and i will,”

when you finally force her to come shopping for baby clothes, supplies, furniture etc, she loves it

“omg look how adorable! can you believe our baby’s feet are this small!”

she’d become insecure further into the pregnancy

“what if im not going to be a good mom, hm?”

“don’t say that, jack, you’ll be a great mom,”

you two would move into the your room, since it had a better view and change her room into a nursery

the boys would help you put everything together.

“bryce, that’s not where its supposed to be- ykw forget it.”

“jesus, dr ramsey do you even know how to-“ bryce would shut up just seeing ethan give him a glare

“see i knew raf would come around to save the day” she’d flirt with him, making him blush

cutest mood swings ever!!!

“all im saying is he’s a fucking jerk and i- ohhh sienna are those donuts?”

jackie would get stressed at the weirdest moments, and you kiss her and cuddle with her to calm her down

“mc, you know i hate kids, why did this have to happen to us!!!!”

she’d slowly come to terms with the fact that she was going to become a parent

god giving birth would scare this woman, and trust me not a lot of things scare her

“mc, what if-“ “jack, breath, everything will be fine!”

when you two found out you’d have a daughter she smiled

“at least i wont have to deal with a little mc” she’d joke

when she got in labour she’d curse at everyone!!!

“AND YOU! YOU MC ARE THE WORST ONE HERE! GETTING ME PREGNANT AND THAN MAKING ME DO THE HARD PART I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”

“uhhh....”

after a couple of years, the three of you would move into a bigger apartment, still close to the hospital

god, your daughter absolutely lovessssssssss aunt sienna and uncle elijah!!!! these two dorks would hang around with her all the time

“dad, can i stay at aunt sienna’s after school?”

“she’s working today sweetheart but mommy will be there to pick you up”

you two would have some sweet, annoying nicknames for her

love, sweetheart, sugar, honey etc

Bryce Lahela:

he’d be excited and scared

he would freeze when he found the positive pregnancy test in his trashcan

“i wanted to tell you but seems like you already found out,”

he’d shut you out and be less loud at work

“bryce, please talk to me” “uhh, cant have a long shift today”

but one day you’d show up to his apartment, keiki opened the door

“oh hey keiki, is bryce home?” “yeah come in”

youd try to get him to talk but man he was not feeling it

“i just need some space mc,”

wouldnt even take a week for him to come over and apologize to you

“im just not sure if i’d make a good dad, i mean i had two bad examples growing up, what if i-“

youd cut him off with a kiss

“no need to stress, bryce, im certain you will make a great dad!”

you two would have to look for a bigger place, and also someone to fill your spot at the apartment

sienna, elijah and jackie would help you decorate the nursery

“jackie those colours do not match with the blankets i bought” sienna would say while jackie just rolled her eyes

“well maybe you shouldn’ve bought so! many! blankets!” jackie said while holding up multiple blankets

“guys please its mc and bryce’s child we can’t fight over this” elijah was the only one who would think rationally

when you found out you were having a son bryce almost jumped into the air

“a little bryce,,,,” he’d say with heart eyes, making you roll your eyes

when you went into labour, he’d be the one freaking out

“can’t believe im saying this when im the one in labour, but good god bryce calm down!”

uncle raf!!!!! aunt kyra!!!!!

rafael and kyra would absolutely adore your son!!!! theyd fight over whose turn it was to babysit

“kyra, you had him last weekend!” “but mc said he always talks about how fun aunt kyra is!”

“why dont you two take him to the park together? he loves both aunt kyra and uncle rafael equally” bryce would say, making the two adults reluctantly agree

“finally a moment alone with the woman of my dreams” he said the second they left, making you chuckle

keiki would hang out with your son. occasionally.

“aunt keiki can you read me a bedtime story?” “right. im aunt keiki.”

she’d love it secretly

Rafael Averio: (pretending sora doesnt exist here lol)

this man would beam with joy!!!

he had always dreamt of having a big family of his own

“youre pregnant?” “yeah.... i-“ he’d kiss you before you could even say anything else

would brag to everyone about it

“do you guys know im goin-“ “going to be a dad? yes raf you told us like a million times” his paramedic friends would say

it was even funnier when you saw how some people avoided him because of it

would not leave ur side

“jesus ever heard of personal space?” “oops sorry”

he’d be at ur apartment all the time

“raf, not that we don’t enjoy you being here but don’t you idk have other friends?” jackie would try to get him out of the house

sienna’d be fine with it since he would help her cook n bake stuff

“i didnt know you cooked!” “not really just some stuff i picked up from my grandma”

he’d sleep over at your apartment

when you got insecure he’d talk to you and make u forgot about it in a certain way ;)

“what if im not a good mom? or what if your fanily doesn’t approve of me?? oh good god this is not going how i imagined-“ “relax, you know my family loves you, now get over here”

you’d move in with him, and get someone to fill ur spot in the apartment

the two of you going to the senior center together!!!

“now edith you better not get to comfortable” you’d joke, earning a laugh from rafael

kyra and bryce would come over and help with the nursery, of course it was after the boys’ gym day so bryce dragged ethan with them

“hey gu- oh hey dr ramsey!” you’d say with a bright smile when you opened the front door.

“kyra not that i dont love you but what even is this?” “yeah i tried to make a blanket but as you can see it backfired”

“uhm ethan you sure that this is the color we picked out?” bryce would panic, knowing damn well they didnt do the one you asked them to do right

“well good thing aunt kyra did got the good color” she’d go get it from the car while the two men started at her in confussion

when you found out you were having a girl he got super excited

“a little mc running around the house” he’d say, already coming up with names

when you’d go into labour he’d put up a calm gentle persona while in reality he wanted to screammmmm

uncle bryce n aunt jackie!!!

u cant tell me bryce n raf havent become close friends

“hey dad can uncle bryce and aunt jackie stay for dinner?” “sweetie youre ignoring the rest of our guests”

even tho they would admit it bryce and jackie loved babysitting her

“do you want to come with uncle bryce?” “bryce thats enough its MY day!”

his family would come around often, bringing gifts every single time

his grandma would try to get him to propose, earning glares from him

when your daughter heard juliana say something along the lines of “when is the wedding” she’d get super excited!!!

“are you two really getting married??!!”

Ethan Ramsey:

you two would already be in an awkward position bc of the gwyneth thing

what was worse was that he admitted to not wanting to get married and have children

god, that little fight on the way to leland and at house took a toll on you, so when june came to check on you back in the hospital you told her

“so, youre pregnant?” “yeah” you’d sob

she wouldnt force you to tell her who the dad is, but it was obvious

before the fight you’d always come to the diagnostics team’s meetings with a smile on your face but now it was a neutral face or sometimes even a frown

soooo ethan found out. not directly from you, but from june, resulting in another fight

“you told june but not me?” “you dont even want kids i cant just casually bring it up!”

the awkwardness would be there for a while, im talking 2-3 months

“enough already! you two talk this out! not only is this bad enough for the two of you but also for me and baz! think about us! and our patients!” june’d snap one day

you’d talk it out, still awkward around each other

“jesus, ethan we can’t keep doing this, i have an appointment to check on the little one, you want to join?” you would try to keep the awkwardness at a certain level, he’d nod with a smile on his face

so when he found out he was having a son, he’d be happy, still very scared but very happy

“im sorry, mc. i acted as a jerk and didnt listen to your needs. i want to be in your and our baby’s lives.”

he’d ask you to move in with him, which you reluctantly agreed to, i mean there wasnt even enough space for a nursery in your apartment

sienna would invite herself and elijah over to help you with the nursery , since they knew about you two since that time after the hearing

“thank you, trinh,” ethan would say as he accepted the cookies she had baked

“i helped too. just so you know” elijah chimed in, earning a chuckle from you

god labour was the worst, you had to do an emergency c section since it was a bit too early for the baby to be born

so when they send your son off to the nicu, ethan would be there the whole time, very worried

“dr ramsey, you should go we’ll take care of him” the nurses would try to get him out of there with no luck, “no its fine i just want to stay here”

when you two could finally go home he would make sure to never youre side

“mc do you need anything? want me to bring you something to drink? maybe an extra blanke-“ “ethan shut uppppppppppppppppp its 3 am”

of course your friends would come over but not as often since they had to take care of their interns and stuff

uncle baz and aunt june!!!!!

“AUNT JUNE!!!!” he’d yell when you, june and baz picked him up from the daycare at the hospital

“wow so youre just ignoring uncle baz?” baz would act hurt, making the boy laugh

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 12

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.9k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i hope it sorta hit a bit? does it sting? it had to happen sorry! i cant wait to write the next chapter 😭

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i didnt add the “never have i ever” suggestions that i used but THANK YOU if you sent some, i used a few! also, i had other requests and ideas from people and i may use them a bit later, in a future chapter. actually i know when ill use them lol youll see :)

Chapter 12 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

"Shit, I don't know what to wear!" I exclaimed to myself as i put clothes in front of me, standing next to to mirror. "Horrible."

I threw the shirt away, aiming for the bed but it fell next to it and I didn't even send it a glance as I took an other one.placing it on my chest and tilting my head at my reflection. I glanced up when I saw Louis walk by and stop immediately, holding himself on the door frame with a smirk.

"Put a skirt on." he let out, making me raise my eyebrows. "It'll be easier for him to fuck you against the wall."

My eyes got smaller and I reached out for my tissue box before throwing it his way. He moved right on time and it hit the wall in a thug, making him laugh.

"Don't be so violent!" he smirked, walking in my room and leaning on the wall. "I'm just saying out loud what you think about late at night, if you know what I mean."

I turned to him, opening my eyes wide and shaking my head. I couldn't believe Louis was talking about me masturbating to the thought of my ex boyfriend like it was nothing.

"Oh my god, shut up!" I let out with a chuckle. "You're so annoying!"

"Look, I woke up and he was getting out of your room." Louis pointed out. "He spent the night with you. In your bed. Wearing nothing but BOXERS!"

"We just slept." I argued with a shrug, trying not to show him that the thought of Niall almost naked in bed with me was actually doing something to me. "I was sick, remember?"

"Yea, you were 'sick'" he repeated, pronouncing the last word louder and adding fake quotation marks with his fingers.

"I was! A few of your sushis weren't good, Lou." I explained, throwing an other shirt away and grabbing a new pair of jeans. "You know it's true, I heard you vomit in the middle of the night, too."

"That's not the point." he explained, getting suddenly a lot more serious than he normally is. "Olivia, you should break up with Dylan." I stopped dead in my track and even stopped breathing. My heart, though, was beating extremely hard against my rib cage and it's all I could hear. "Did you even think about him recently? He's not here and you don't even seem to miss him, especially not when Niall is around."

I did think about Dylan, though, but I didn't talk about my thoughts, mostly because I felt fucking guilty about almost everything that came to my mind. I felt like shit towards my boyfriend but I didn't have the guts to tell him that I was getting closer and closer to Niall. I didn't know how to tell him that spending time with Niall had been some sort of relief in my life, that being able to be around Niall again was making me generally happier, that when I was near him, I felt more alive. There was no good way to tell that to the man you were about to marry, not without hurting him.

"I love Dylan and I miss him, you know that damn well, Louis." I argued, feeling tears coming to my eyes. "But Niall is... Niall is Niall. Niall is the love of my life."

Louis uncrossed his arms and walked closer as I closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to face reality at all. I wanted to spend time with Niall and pretend I would be able to resist him the next time he'd try to kiss me. I wanted to pretend that I was going totally okay with watching Niall and Heidi get married and have kids at some point in the future while i'd do the same with Dylan. I wanted to believe I didn't have to break an incredible man’s heart because of my own disgusting selfishness... that everything was fine and that what was happening between Niall and I was perfectly normal.

"I know he is." Louis said gently, placing his hands on my upper arms from behind. "I see you two interact and it's so obvious, Olivia. The way you two connect it's... it's probably terrifying for Dylan and Heidi, you know?"

I opened my eyes and sniffed before swallowing the lump in my throat. I was not going to cry. There was no fucking way I was going to cry now and ruin my make up. We didn't connect, and we wouldn't connect on that night, I was going to make sure of it.

"Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'll prove to you and everyone else that Niall and I are only friends, you'll see."

I was mostly trying to convince myself of that but I just reached out to my wardrobe and grabbed a skirt, like Louis had proposed. I was going to have fun tonight and nothing else.

"Liv, don't be like that."

I turned to Louis and shook my head slightly.

"I'm not losing Dylan, okay? I can't. Do you know what are the chances for me to find an other man like him? Kind, sweet, smart, funny and who truly loves me? I've risked my relationship enough, don't you think?"

"So last night, when Niall joined you in your bed, you didn't feel anything?" he asked a bit harshly, raising his eyebrows at me. "I saw him take care of you when you were puking your guts out, you know?"

"You don't base a romantic relationship on lust, Louis. You should know that." I shook my head, searching my drawers for a shirt. "Niall always took care of me, since we were kids. It's nothing new. And it means nothing."

Louis stayed there, motionless and quiet as I picked my clothes and when he realized I wouldn't look at him again, he sighed.

"We're leaving in 10 minutes." he turned around and walked to the door as I swallowed my tears again. "And Liv? I love you. I want what's best for you. My opinion is just that, an opinion but... I don't think you'll ever be happy if you're not with Niall. I don't think he'll ever be happy without you either."

                                                       ---

The bar was crowded but we reached a quiet spot on the second floor, in the back of the room. Everyone was arrived and I couldn't stop glancing at Niall, who ended up sitting next to me. Now that he was close, all the bullshit I had told Louis earlier didn't seem so important anymore. Nothing ever seemed more important than Niall, and it was a problem.

Louis came back with a pitcher and sat on the other side of me with Eleanor while Harry, Liam and Julie sat on the other side of the table. I didn't know where Harry's girlfriend was, or if he even was with her anymore. We had told each other we would remain friends but things change and we drifted apart. I sighed low, a bit nostalgic of that friendship before we all started drinking. I was getting drunk and from the way Niall's eyes sparkled, I felt like he was getting there, too. Or maybe it was just that I was so drunk I was starting to imagine things.

I could feel the skin of his arm brush against mine and I cleared my throat, trying to stop thinking about it before turning around to send him a smile.

"So where's your girlfriend?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Oh she'll be here soon."

I didn't expect this answer and raised my eyebrows as my lips parted. I didn't want to see her, and it was not only because we didn't get along. Most of all, I didn't want to see her all over Niall the way she had been when they invited us for dinner. Why was I so ready to prove everyone that I was able to resist my ex boyfriend but as soon as he was near, I couldn't handle myself?

"Okay, let's play a game!" Liam said, tapping the table a few times with his palm. "Truth or Dare?"

"No no, 'never have I ever'!" Louis argued, making me raise my nose up in a grimace.

These games never ended well, at least most of the time, except that one time where I decided to just kiss Harry, but a few minutes later, Niall had kissed a girl too and that was not a good ending, at least not to me.

"Okay, I found questions online!" Eleanor let out with a chuckle. "If you've done it, you take a sip, and no one lies!"

"Yea, I'll call you out if I see one of you lie!" Louis agreed, making my heart skip a beat.

I was screwed.

"Never have I ever... drunk-dialed an ex!"

I held my breath and started nibbling on my bottom lip. So many times, I had wanted to call Niall when I was drunk but every time, Louis was there to snatch the phone out of my hands. I glanced when I saw Niall drink and I wondered who he had tried to call. I had never received a phone call or a text message from him after we broke up, so I knew it was not me, and somehow, it made me jealous. He missed an ex so much that he called her... did that mean he never really missed me?

"Never have I ever... stolen someone's food!"

"Louis! You drink!" I let out, my eyebrows raised. "You always eat all my fucking left-overs!"

"What? Nah."

"He does!" Eleanor agreed with me with a chuckle, hitting him gently with her elbow.

He groaned but finally took a long sip of his beer, making me smile more.

"Okay, never have I ever... called a partner the wrong name during sex!"

I chuckled but felt my heart jump in my chest when I noticed Niall taking a long sip of his drink. We all looked at him and started laughing and he simply shrugged.

"I was drunk, I didn't know the girl's name!" he argued, laughing too.

I let my eyes roam on his face, wondering who exactly was that girl and if she had been someone he had sex with after he left me but I didn't dare to ask.

"Never have I ever.... lied to a law enforcement officer."

I laughed when I saw Louis drink and Liam started laughing, his eyebrows raised.

"Wait what? What was the lie?" he asked curiously, leaning slightly against the table.

"He lied to get out of a ticket." I replied, rolling my eyes.

"Why? Because he was going too slow?"

Everyone started laughing and Louis grimaced before flipping Liam off, making everyone laugh even more. I leaned closer to Louis and kissed his cheek gently before he wiped my kiss vigorously from his skin.

"Traitor!" he whispered as I chuckled, blowing him an other kiss.

"Never have I ever... sent nudes."

Without thinking, my eyes found Harry immediately and his did too. We stared at each other for a few seconds before our lips curled. I grabbed my drink and took a sip as he did the same, just like Julie, Liam and Louis.

"Did you send nudes to your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend, Olivia?"

I sent a mean glance at Louis and he smirked, making me know he was getting back at me for the last question.

"One time, Harry, Niall and I played 'truth or dare' and Harry asked me if I had ever taken nudes. I guess we continued that conversation a bit later and.. shared.. selfies..."

Louis' eyes got bigger and he pressed his lips together, knowing he had made things a bit awkward but finding it funny anyway. I glanced at Niall, noticing he was staring at me, and finally cleared my throat, asking El for the next question.

"Never have I ever.... hooked up with someone of the same sex or gender."

My eyes once again found Harry. I knew we were pretty much the only one who didn't want to label ourselves around the table and I brought my drink closer to him. He smiled and clinked his glass against mine before we both took a sip.

"You guys have no idea what you're missing." he let out after swallowing, making us laugh.

"Oh my god, Liv, you're gonna love this one. Never have I ever had food poisoning."

I laughed and took a sip, pushing the side of my body against Louis'. He groaned and took a sip and when I turned around, I noticed Niall frowned. I moved closer, holding my breath to make sure I wouldn't smell his incredible scent, and smiled a bit.

"Last night, Louis got sick because of his sushis, too."

I saw an emotion pass on Niall's face and his lips finally curled before he chuckled. Was that relief? I nibbled on my bottom lip when I remembered what he had asked me in the middle of the night and the right corner of my lips raised. I didn't know why he didn't want me to be pregnant with Dylan's baby but I liked it.

"Never have I ever been the subject of a rumor that wasn’t true." Eleanor read with a big smile. "Oh god, I think we can all drink!"

We all laughed and ended up finishing our glasses, handing each other the pitchers to fill them back again. I almost choked on the sip I was taking when Heidi arrived and she quickly sat next to Niall, making something stir in my stomach. I closed my eyes tight when she kissed him and I felt Louis' hand on my arm.

"It's okay to be hurt, love." he whispered. "If it matters, she's got nothing on you. She's also doing that to get to you."

I breathed in and out slowly before opening my eyes again. I noticed Heidi looking at me and sending me a sly smile that really bothered me.

"I'll get shots!"

Harry left with Liam and the whole time they were gone, I played with my fingers nervously. I felt like the whole evening was ruined because of her but I couldn't let that get to me, right? As soon as the guys put the shots in the middle of the table, I grabbed one and swallowed it quickly, followed by Louis.

"Wait, guys! This is for the game!" Harry explained. "And it's a surprise, you don't know what you drink!"

That's when I noticed the huge amount of shots on the table and raised my eyebrows just as Eleanor read the next question.

"Never have I ever... caught someone masturbating."

I held my breath and my eyes got bigger. I didn't want to turn to Niall but it was stronger than me. He was already looking at me and he chuckled.

"One time, when I was 13, Liv caught me masturbating. She just walked in my room without knocking!"

I smiled and pressed my lips together but my smile faltered when I realized he had no idea that I had caught him masturbating last time I actually slept at his place. The sight of him jerking off flashed in my mind and I gripped my glass tighter until I heard his voice again.

"Oh and remember at the lodge?" he asked with a smirk. "I came back in the room the first day we got there and-”

"Nooo! Shut up!"

I moved closer to him, trying to press my hand over his mouth but he dodged me and ended up just holding my wrist as he finished his sentence.

"And I caught Olivia masturbating in the dark, in our room!"

"Oh my god I hate you." I groaned, leaning my forehead on the table as I heard laughter. "That was a secret!"

"Was it though?" Niall asked, his lips dangerously close to my ear.

I held my breath and waited a few seconds to look up, noticing Louis had given a shot to Niall and was now handing me one. I drank it quickly, turning the glass around and putting it on the table. Tequila, ouch.

"Never have I ever... tried anal sex."

Once again, I closed my eyes and groaned, bringing one of my hands on my face as Niall laughed next to me. I was really going to get drunk. I reached for two shots and handed one to Niall who just chuckled and drank it fast. I did it took and raised my nose up. Sambuca. I hated that.

"Wow, who the hell are you?" Louis asked, raising his eyebrows while looking at me. "Little wild thing. Can't believe you let him!"

It was not my first time trying anal but I decided not to mention it. The truth was, when I was dating Niall, I would have done anything for him. There was no limit, as long as he stayed with me and was happy, it was all that mattered to me. I suddenly felt the urge to kiss him and held my breath as I stared at him. My heart was hitting so hard against my rib cage I thought it was just going to escape. Literally. It was ridiculous. I was not ready to do anything for anyone anymore, except myself. That's how things should be.

"Never have I ever... hooked up with an ex’s friend."

Once again, I knew I had to drink. Not everyone in the room knew that I had slept with Louis and I thought maybe it would be better if I didn't drink at all but the worst would be if I hesitated. If I just drank, they could believe it was an other ex than Niall but if I didn't seem sure, they'd know I was not at ease and it would be suspicious. I rolled my eyes, realizing I was going a bit too far in my thoughts and just grabbed an other shot, swallowing it quickly. I felt Louis' hand squeeze my thigh and my lips curled slightly. He knew and it was enough for me.

"Never have I ever... tried to make an ex jealous."

I sighed and took an other shot, shaking my head.

"We need to find questions that won't force me to get so drunk I won't be able to walk in half an hour!" I argued with a chuckle, watching as Niall grabbed a shot too.

I was starting to hate this game, if only for the fact that all I did was drink and check if Niall would drink too and if he did, I'd just spend a few minutes wondering who it was about and what exactly it meant. I glanced at Heidi, thinking she should probably drink but didn't and I rolled my eyes.

I never really had tried to make Niall jealous but I had hoped for it. I was not getting married to make him regret leaving me, but when I noticed his reaction when he found out and stormed out of the cafe, I couldn't pretend it didn't do anything to me. It did. I liked it. It gave me hope. Hope for what? I was not sure.

"Never have I ever... second-guessed a relationship."

I was getting pissed at myself for letting all his simple gestures and actions get to me. I loved him, I loved him so fucking bad it was driving me insane, but there was no way I was going back to being the 'no-back-bone-and-fucking-blind' girl I used to be when we were dating. I didn't want that. I reached for a shot and placed it in front of Niall a bit roughly, spilling a few drops of what I believed was rum, or at least, it smelled like it.

"Do you need only one?"

Somehow, everyone stopped talking and although I should feel guilty, I really couldn't. I was past the tipsy stage and a few memories were coming back to my mind. I also didn't enjoy Heidi's presence and the way she was so close to him. Niall looked down and licked his lips, waiting a few seconds before drinking the shot and pushing the glass away. Eleanor cleared her throat and I just shook my head with a sigh.

"Uhm, never have I ever cheated on a partner."

I closed my eyes again but this time for a complete different reason. I thought about the first time Niall touched me. I could almost still feel his fingertips brush on my skin before he had pushed them inside me. I can't remember being this excited ever in my whole life. This time, I didn't have to say anything. Niall just reached out to grab a shot and swallowed it.

"Not on Liv, right?"

Niall turned to Louis and shook his head.

"No. With her." My eyes moved to Heidi's hand who gripped Niall's arm tighter sinking her nails in his skin. I couldn't help but think she did that when they fucked, too.  "It was back when I was with Maya."

I noticed Harry was looking at me with a frown and I just shook my head slightly, answering his silent question. He nodded and his lips curled a bit as I answered his smile. No, I had no cheated on Harry. I wouldn't have done that, not even for Niall... right?

"It was... unplanned." Niall added, making me press my lips together.

The memory was so vivid, probably due to the alcohol and mixed with the proximity of Niall's body, that I had to get up and go to the bathroom. As I got up, I realized how drunk I was and tried to walk straight. I didn't like to show I was drunk and I was not sure why but when I got out of the bathroom, Louis was leaning against the wall, waiting for me.

"El and I are leaving, we've got a brunch in her family tomorrow morning, so I'll sleep at her place." he explained with a frown. "Are you okay? We can give you a ride home if you want."

"No, thank you." I shook my head. "I'll just take a cab."

"No, no cab by yourself. One of those fuckers will bring you home when you'll be ready. I'll make sure of it. And if anything happens, you call me."

I nodded and he pulled me into a hug, making me close my eyes. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, and that I missed having sex with him, but it was a lie. What I actually missed was to be close to someone, and I sort of felt like I was losing him, somehow. Soon, we were not going to live together anymore and I had no idea if I was okay with that.

"Sorry for that game, although it went better than you thought, right?"

I chuckled and pulled away before nodding. He sent me a wink and told me goodnight and I watched him leave before sighing and walking back to the table with difficulty. Liam and Julie were getting up too and I frowned, tilting my head when I got closer.

"Are you guys leaving too?"

"Yea, we're both a bit tired." Julie explained.

They said their goodbyes to everyone and I ended up sitting next to Harry and in front of Niall. I watched as Heidi talked in his ear with a smirk and I glanced down to watch her arm disappear, realizing she probably had her hand on his thigh, or even somewhere else. I looked away and swallowed at the intense feeling of jealousy invading me.

"Oh, Olivia, I know you'll be alone tonight, would you rather sleep home?"

I frowned at Heidi, a bit surprised about her proposition and licked my lips, trying to find a reason why she would actually want me to be with both of them at his place. To show me he belonged to her, perhaps? To keep on being all over him in front of me?

"No it's okay, she can come home." Harry just said, getting up and grabbing his phone. "I'm alone tonight, too."

"It's cool, Harry. She'll sleep at mine." Niall quickly replied, getting up to. "Plus, it's closer."

They looked at each other and Harry finally sighed before bending down and whispering to me.

"Are you okay with that?" I just nodded and he did the same. "Okay, darling."

Heidi drove us back home since she had barely drank and I noticed Niall kept glancing at me in the mirror but I didn't acknowledge him. I knew he was a bit mad at me for some of the things I had said and if I wanted to be honest, I really thought I was over all of that, but the thought of him breaking my heart and not being sure of the relationship we had made something burn inside me... I was not mad. I was still hurt. I probably always would be.

Niall let me borrow a pair of his sweatpants and a shirt and none of us really talked at all. We just went to bed and before I knew it, I was laying on my back, under the covers, in the dark, just staring at the ceiling. Normally, I would have a conversation with Niall until we'd both fall asleep but that night, it was impossible. He was going to cuddle her all night, and not me. The thought made me swallow hard and I tried to keep my tears in. I was intoxicated and just closing my eyes made me dizzy.

That's when I heard it. It made my heart jump so hard in my chest I was near throwing up. A moan. Just a low moan disturbing the silence of the night and then, an other one. I got up slowly, my heart beating harder, making my whole body throb and when I opened the door, I held my breath. I stepped out of the room and It was clear, now. A bunch of moans reached my ears and I leaned my back against the wall, shutting my eyes tight.

"Oh, fuck, Niall!"

I felt tears invade my eyes and I let myself slide on the wall until my ass hit the floor. I heard noise, like the annoying sounds of a mattress moving, and I brought my hand to my mouth, trying to keep in the sobs that wanted to escape. This is exactly why Heidi wanted me to sleep at their place but the one I really blamed was Niall. How could he do that to me? Wasn't breaking my heart once enough? What the hell was he thinking?

I was sitting down alone in the hall, now as sober as possible in these circumstances, listening to my ex boyfriend, the man I was in love with, having sex with his girlfriend. It was so pathetic I didn't even take the time to wipe the tears that fell on my cheeks, I just accepted my fate, motionless, like it was something I actually deserved. I tried to think about my boyfriend, filming a movie in an other country, but it couldn't distract me from the noises coming from his room. All these images of Heidi riding him as he touched her and told her how much he loved her invaded my brain and I felt suddenly nauseous. It made me realize one thing. It was not so much that they had sex, that really bothered me, although it did hurt me to some extent. What was really hard to accept was that he may have feelings for her, stronger feelings than he had for me. I also couldn't really believe he cared so little about me that he'd literally do it while I was in the same house, in the room literally next to mine.

I cried more, feeling like this moment would never fucking end. It's only when I heard his voice for the first time that something inside me seemed to click. He had groaned and I hated it. It was a low and simple grunt but it made me want to literally die on the spot. I don't know where I found the strength but I quickly got up, walked back to the guest room and grabbed my purse before rushing to the front door and stepping out of the house into the dark night. The door closed roughly behind me and I realized they may have heard. I quickly left and ran across the street, my shoes hitting the ground being the only sound around. It was only when I was totally out of breath that I decided to call a cab. I just wanted to erase that whole evening from my mind. I just wanted to erase all my feelings and be happy again but I couldn't lie to myself. The only time I was truly happy was when I was with Niall... and that was over. There was no hope left inside me.

[oubliette-od]

Okay...I'm not one to usually cause confrontation but I've had enough. I've seen a lot of negativity here on tumblr and Twitter, a lot of people coming out of the woodwork to give their opinion on something they know very little or nothing about. All these "hot takes" on how queer baity this is or how this is the fastest bury your gays or "oh so they sent him straight to hell for being gay lol typical cw, all you destiel shippers are crazy and are still waiting stupid" "f this show and the horse it rode in on, you people are stupid for feeling joy over this"....like get over yourselves. I get it, the show isnt perfect and kinda sucks sometimes. I completely agree on that. But you treat it like it's the worst show ever and it's really not. It's just easy to pick on because its popular and everyone knows it so to make yourselves feel better you trash on a show that people still get joy from. I was so excited last night until I checked the tags and Twitter and saw so many people being so mean and negative to those of us who were excited and happy this happened.

Like okay so 1. No they didnt kill Cas and send him to ultimate hell for being gay. F off. Hes still alive, he's just trapped in the empty forever (which yeah sounds not great but hes not dead and I know they will do something about this before the show ends.) 2. Dean loves Cas. Anybody who watches the show and isnt a cynical douche can see how much Dean cares for /loves cas. Heck he was supposed to say I love you to him back in season 8 but Jensen had them change it because he thought it wasnt the right time (which I agree with him but kind of wish they left it anyway). People say his reaction was flat but did you watch the scene? All the micro-expressions that swallow, the head tilt the furrowed brows. Dean is already in a bad head space, he was freaking out trying to find a way to save them. Then Cas drops the bomb of his empty deal, bookended by his confession. The poor man didn't have a second to breathe let alone process what was happening. From his reaction on the floor, sobbing, he finally understood what happened and was completely devastated in losing cas again, especially after realizing that Cas does love him back. Just give him time, I dont think he will disappoint in the coming episodes. He wont let this slide, hes going to save Cas and tell him he loves him back. I would be more skeptical if like it was just Cas and a few randos that were gone but its everyone so I believe they are going to bring everyone back, including Cas, Charlie, her girlfriend and Eileen. 3. Its not queerbaiting until the end of the show, and I can't believe they would just leave it like this. I will eat my words if it does happen but you can't tell me with all the evidence shown in previous episodes that Dean is not in love with Cas too. It just doesn't make sense if he isnt. Am I disappointed they waited till now to do it? Sure but I'm still happy they did.

Cas' confession is just the first piece of the puzzle. We still have three hours-ish of show left and a lot can happen within that time. I for one am still hopeful and look forward to where this goes. Yes I get and understand why people are upset and crap on the show. It has some definite issues which most stem from bucklemming being awful writers who unfortunately have written the next episode. Going by the promo, I'm very worried they will screw with the tone and Dean especially. But nothing can erase or take away the fact that Cas confessed to Dean, saved his life once again, left his handprint on THAT shoulder and left Dean a broken man once again. I have faith in the actors and the writers (besides bucklemming I dont trust them at all) when they say they are happy and that the ending is what they wanted to see so I am willing to just wait it out and see how it goes. I never thought we would ever get in show confirmation of destiel but here we are with half of it. And you cant tell me that dean wasnt trying to tell Cas his feelings. He says "Cas, I-" before Cas says goodbye and pushes him away so I feel confident he wanted to tell him something before disappearing forever. The guilt and devastation he must be feeling now, i can only imagine and i for one am very excited to see this play out.

In conclusion, don't spread your negativity and hot takes on something you know nothing or little about. I have seen so many posts from people like "I don't watch the show/never heard of spn/haven't watched in years" going off of what posts they may of seen without much context and I just want to say that yes, you are entitled to your opinions but maybe don't form your opinions on little information that may not be correct or on something you know little about. Like, when you are attacking or jeering at people for being happy or excited about this, maybe you need to step back or at least tag your posts accordingly so they stay out of the main tag.

And no, this is not up for debate and I will not answer any asks about this. You can send all your hate and "you're so delusional" asks to me if you want but it's not going to change my mind. Destiel is canon, confirmed by both Misha and Berens, and that's all I need to know that its true. I am going to stay happy about this and I am able to criticize this show while still enjoying it and that's what I'm going to do through the finale. As the Ghostfacers said, Gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day. Dean will come through and save his angel.

[dumbdancemomssideblog]

S1E1: The Competition Begins

okie dokie first ever episode of dance moms rewatch starts now :0 i actually remember watching this the very first time it aired on lifetime because i was channel surfing and saw a commercial for it earlier that day. that was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. ah memories... i didnt know what to expect because i did dance when i was a kid but not on a competition team and it was mostly ballet so i was pretty unfamiliar with this whole world. 

anyway lets begin. this is probably gonna be a longer post than what i’ll end up writing for the other episodes in season 1 bc the first episode introduces so much info, just a heads up

Act 1: (aside: yes its insufferable to divide this into “acts” when its really just like “segments separated by commercial breaks” but thats how they’re called in actual tv scripts so im just going with that cuz i cant think of a better/easier way uwu)

god this is so fucking early 2010s lmao

i miss these days where they were just talented nobodies from pittsburgh on a low budget reality tv show that nobody even knew would be successful. and the bad hair and makeup but idk if that was also just a 2011 thing lol

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES GREEN SCREEN INTROS IM DYING

the chalkboard !!!! they werent doing the pyramid on the mirror yet 

(apparently abby never did anything similar to the pyramid thing but the producers made her and it became a whole Thing on the show and thats why the moms were like wtf is this bullshit the first week)

mackenzie looks like a toddler. chloe is so tiny. theyre the 2 who changed the most physically over the course of the show

i remember watching this for the first time being used to ballet lyrical and jazz but never having done or really seen acro/gymnastics in dance choreo and being SO flabbergasted. i was thinking “a chin stand is not dancing what the actual hell” and yknow what? i was right

melissa: “my boyfriend knows how much i spend on dance because he signs the checks...............hermehhemrherrmehermh” (the most awkward laugh omg)

maddie is wearing a fucking bumpit in her hair i cannot

melissa deadass just said out loud “im here for my daughter im not here to make friends” ok everybody mark that one off on your catty women’s reality tv show bingo card!

camera man accidentally getting in the shot filming right in front of the huge wall-mirror.... what is this, amateur hour? i’ll let it slide since its the first day of filming rehearsal but step it up, boys

aw i forgot about maddie getting sick and crying :/ poor kid

melissa saying “i cant stand a chid that’s sick” sounds so edited like the intonation made it seem to me like they just cut her off mid-sentence i love lifetime

oh this was still when they were wearing normal stuff to class/rehearsal like black leotards bc they werent getting sent a trillion crazy 2-piece dancewear outfits for free yet bc they werent famous, man those were the days

Act 2:

[obligatory b-roll footage of downtown pittsburgh] 

the maddie chloe paige trio !!!! this is making me feel so nostalgic

“knees together, paige. you’re bow-legged, you need to fix that”

“you’re tall, you’re skinny, you’re a beautiful girl, you can do better than this. FOCUS” shes like 10 abby what the hell

“people think im tough and i guess i am but i would rather be the one to make your kid cry in the privacy of my studio than at an open-call audition in front of hundreds of people”

okay unpopular opinion alert: i agree with a lot of what abby says about stuff like this but her delivery is flawed, to but it euphemistically, that being said i think the production team of the show and the fame inflating her ego changed all of this somewhere over the course of the second season and its really sad to see :/ i can expand on that thought later tho

aw paige crying bc abby correcting her (but not saying anything personal or out of line, just technique corrections (at based on what we were shown, we dont know everything she said oop)) shes a sensitive kid she never should have been put on this show :( 

paige looks exactly like her mom i didnt realize that before

nia and holly were done so dirty throughout the whole series in terms of the narrative the producers set up about nia being the weakest link :/ 

Act 3:

cathy’s entire involvement in the show from the very beginning was so painfully obviously scripted (or at least heavily staged) 

vivi was also done dirty by the show’s narrative and she was only 6 and they presented her as like the butt of the joke bc her mom’s “character” was crazy and also she wasnt good at dance. i wonder how she feels about the show now that shes a teenager hmm. she really seemed not to give a fuck about dance for better or for worse when she was a kid tho so maybe she doesnt care ?

in what universe would an owner of another competitive dance studio bring her own kid to another studio more than an hour’s drive away, AND be under the impression that she could compete with them in a week, especially when they showed the kids’ and moms’ shocked reaction at the start of the episode to having to learn a dance in a week and compete it? like really what is the point of cathy and vivi being a part of this show im so ????

Act 4: 

THE MINISTER DAWN OUTBURST HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS

this fight is about 50% of what got them a full season 1 and then things took off from there tbh. the other 50% was the electricity dance but thats a point for next episode..... :)

“you’re a minister act like one” “YOU’RE RIGHT I AM A MINISTER! LET’S PLAY THE BIBLE GAME ABBY, WHEN JESUS SAW THINGS THAT WERE WRONG HE WENT AFTER THEM, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO MY KID” ma’am i think the wrongs jesus addressed were of slightly more importance than a preteen being told she cant take a dance class if shes violating the studio’s dress code

this is so good bc it wasnt staged afaik and there are regular students all throughout the building just STARING at them like lmao what even is going on, so im pretty sure this is real???

regardless, yeah dont wear socks and a tshirt to an acrobatics class, thats common fucking sense

another cameraman-in-mirror sighting, but its hard to think about angles when filming spontaneous drama like this, so i wont count it against them

“you called me fat” (i remember that being in the episode but thats not on the episode available through lifetime on demand that im watching from my moms tv hmmmmmm) “i told you to close and tuck in your two-piece costume, theres a big difference. HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER TO TURN YOUR FEET OUT” uh scream

she really called the police on this woman i cannot handle this. can you imagine being a police officer responding to this call? 

“we have a parent thats out of control. pardon? no shes doesnt have weapons, just her mouth” iconic

im sorry im still not over the hair and makeup. the flat hair with the side bangs. the black pencil eyeliner applied all the way around the eye. why did any of us think this was a look :( why did we do this :(

Act 5:

they went all the way to phoenix to compete 3 numbers, only 2 of which are shown in the episode.

i think this is the only time they ever went to west coast dance explosion because its an actual competition and they wouldnt allow filming after this lol i think they did go to wcde one weekend in addition to a competition where they were filming but it wasnt shown or mentioned at all

abby not wanting brooke and paige to have a french manicure on stage if theyre the only ones in the group with the french tips is perfectly valid idk why it was framed as some crazy micromanaging shit

i also am really not a fan of the whole “high functioning alcoholic wine mom/crazy stage mom” schtick they were pushing for the first few episodes of this show

in retrospect i feel like so many of the quips in this episode were intentionally fucking crazy just to get the audience engaged enough to want to watch more episodes...

“see those girls down there, those girls with the legs? thats who you’re up against, so step it up”

abby warning them that its dangerous for their little party hats to slip when they’re doing aerials and pirouettes and stuff: “what if you were at radio city music hall and they had the ice rink out and you were doing a side aerial and fell 13 stories down and died, huh?” fantastic point abby thank you for saying that to 5 girls ages 8-12 less than 5 minutes before they went on stage. perfect time for a teaching moment like that :)

i forgot how bad the camera work was in the first few episodes for footage of their performances. like they really didnt think the show’s audience would actually want to watch the kids dance, the producers and editors thought we just wanted to see stage mothers yelling at each other lol

also the mic feed over the music of abby talking to herself giving them corrections while watching them dance on stage.... im so glad they quit doing that. i dont remember them doing it like that for any other episode, i hope im right

this choreo is very basic and its a cute dance i guess but its very cringe in some places and for the first episode this is such a forgettable group routine

their scandalized reaction to placing third and the sad piano music is so funny honestly

and maddies reaction in the interview which was almost definitely fed to her by the producers where shes like “i win all the time i dont really know what its like to LOSE i always win or get runner up” so many of maddies lines from season 1 interviews sound so fake and she was probably too naive to know they were getting her to say that stuff so they could paint her as a conceited brat (she was EIGHT)

the trio costume was so ugly im sorry (is it supposed to be like a 50s pinup bathing suit?) (and the headband thing looks so bad) and also the music is bad but they had no real authority over that bc of copyright stuff

chloe’s headpiece coming forward and the ensuing drama was another moment in the episode that really solidified public interest in the show imho.... 

“YOU’RE IN THE BAR HAVING A DRINK AND YOUR KID’S HEADPIECE IS FALLING OFF” “it did not FALL OFF it CAME FORWARD it was FINE!!!”

“mistakes happen, we’re human.” “YOU are. mistakes like that dont happen to me”

and then the “next time on dance moms” with the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE electricity dance, of course. genuinely that was really smart of the producers in terms of structuring things to generate intrigue lol. and obviously it ended up working....

[justanotherweeb05]

Headcanon! Class 1-A POV⬇️

One day in the dorms common room the bakusquad gathers up everyone, except Bakugo, and explain the "situation" because they are starting to get worried.

Iida: Now that we are all here!, except for Bakugo, for some reason, what is it you want to tell us?🤚

Kaminari: OK, Everyone listen up!! Blasty is starting to worry us and we decided to do something about it! ⚡

Mina: Kirishima says that he's been hearing screaming from Bakugos' dorm everytime those "people" come over! 🎀

Kirishima: It's true! And evertime I knock to make sure everything is ok he just yells at me to leave! It's super weird bro's!🦈

Mineta: You think the bastard would have the balls to have a seventhsome? Basically a threesome but with 7 people, lol An awful lot of girls are in that "group".🗑

Uraraka: Don't be gross Mineta!! This could be serious! Plus I doubt Bakugo is that type of person! ✨

Yaoyorozu: It is true, none of us know anything about these people. And now that we know that there's screaming going on in Bakugos' room.. This is worrisome to say the least.💸

Kirishima: Great then! I understand that we're all onboard then? 🦈

The class all look at eachother with the same worried look on their faces and agree to come up with a plan together to figure out whats going on. No they can't just ask Bakugo, the strangers could be forcing him to keep it a secret even though they highly doubt it but even so, they have a feeling he wouldn't tell them anyway. After agreeing on the plan to tell Bakugo that they were all going out for one day and placing cameras all around the dorm hallways and common room, they all agreed to meet up at the class and set the camera screen in the classes screen. Like the projector each class has irl All they had to do is hope that Bakugo takes the bait and instead of taking the group of strangers to his room, it happens outside of it.

Later...Btw Aizawa agreed to this as long as they didn't wake him up

Kirishima: Yo Bakubro! We're all gonna spend this Saturday at a nearby Cafe, do you mind if you stay here to watch over the dorms? 🦈

Bakugo: Whatever! Just don't take too long! And don't kill anybody with your stupidity!! 💥

Iida: Thank you for your concern but I ask that of you to be more polite next time!🤚

While Bakugo starts to scream at Iida ronot tell him what to do, Deku starts pushing Iida to the door as he look at all the others to tell them to start heading out.

Kaminari: Don't worry Blasty we'll be back in a couple of hours ok? Do whatever you what!!

They all immediately start booking it to Class 1-A as soon as Yaoyorozu closes the door behind her.

Bakugos' POV⬇️

All of the idiots from his class mysteriously headed out without any warning. He had just finished up setting up his room to watch the first episode of "Kiss her not Me" Kiss him not Me Genderbend with the Katsucrew. Seika had recommended he watch it since she had heard it was supposedly really good. And she wanted to watch it with someone.. Cottagecore was pesstering him about it for a while until he gave in. They were gonna watch it in his room until his classmates decides they weren't gonna annoy him today. So he had a change in plans that he didn't mind, considering the Tv in the common room was bigger than the screen on his laptop. As stubborn as he may have seemed, he really wanted to watch the new Anime. So he called up the Katsucrew to come as quickly as possible so they didnt waste any time. Once they were in the dorms and prepared everything in the common room, they all sat down in the couch, some on the floor in front of them and started watching the first episode.

Class 1-A POV⬇️

Class 1-A, thankfully, had a camera hidden behind the Tv. So they could see the Katsucrew prepare the common room for something. They looked like they were preparing it for a movie? To say the least they were confused, especially when they saw Bakugo..excited? They kept on watching the footage with suspense and anicipation the whole time. And to see what the crew was watching they had a camera behind them as well. To say the least it was obvious that Iida, Yaoyorozu, and Deku were the ones in charge of the cameras

Moments later passed and they were at they were at the part where Serinumo Serinuma Genderbend and Igaracha Igarachi Genderbend were watching the play together. And when they held hands...Bakugo, Henshuu, and Seika screeched like animals..

Bakugo: Just fucking hold her hand- ShE lIkEs YoU-

Seika: OMG LOOK- LOOK

Henshuu- AHHHHHGGGGHHHH!!!!

Bakugo: OMG ITS HAPPENING!!

Seika: OHHHHHH- AHHHGGGGGG!!

.....

This isnt what the class expected...., but it was the best outcome they could ever imagine.

When the Katsucrew left, Class 1-A made it their personal mission to buy Bakugo as many Anime and Manga to see him like his adorable weeb self again No they didn't tell him they were spying on him, they would all die Suffice to say, Bakugo was confused, but not upset

My first Original Hc!! Hope ya'll like it💕

[rainingincale]

I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now. 

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc. 

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it. 

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion  but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!