#because he comes from the opposite direction of being a person used to being overlooked and dismissed

[thatscarletflycatcher]

*And another one*

I don't hate Rory, but I still think Mitchum was right, and I also don't think he was conspiring against Rory and Logan's relationship, and I also don't think he was extraordinarily mean and harsh (read extraordinarily as "beyond average experience of people in such a situation").

First thing: neither Mitchum nor Rory when speaking of her career are speaking of her becoming an average, serviceable, or even a competent desk research journalist. All references we get to the sort of job Rory aspired to is the kind of aggressive, go get it journalism: running through war zones, uncovering conspiracies, relentlessly pursuing the news and truth, demanding it, tearing it from people that don't want to give it.

And in that, Mitchum is right: Rory doesn't have what it takes. She's a kind, shy, sensitive people pleaser. She works well in structures where her duties and perks are delineated, where she receives encouragement, support and praise. She's not an entrepreneur the way Jess is, for example.

And her internship proved it. She did not push Mitchum to give her what she needed, she did not take every opportunity to showcase her talent, she just looked around and settled for the secretarial and managerial tasks no one else was doing. Which I think are important tasks that require skills that are not as easily found as you might think (punctuality, asiduity, patience, a well organized mind, manners and words that make other people cooperate with you and with each other, ability to recognize people's talents and put them to good use, comprehension of the big picture as a whole and in its details, all traits that Rory showed excellence in also later on in the DAR and as editor of the Yale Daily News).

Mitchum didn't tell her she didn't have what it takes to be successful in general or to work in journalism in general; he told her she didn't have what it takes to be a top dog aggressive reporter. And the series proves him right. Rory never becomes that, but she does become, an extraordinarily talented editor there where someone like Paris failed miserably.

As for the harshness, I'm not saying it is desirable, this is not "people need toughness to become good". But I was made to cry three times a year for three years as a student teacher. Every evaluation was a devastating list of all my failures in teaching a class. That wasn't the thing that made me a competent teacher, but I can attest to you none of those professors had any personal beef with me.

They weren't harsh or unfair for some secret motive. They had evaluated hundreds of students and I was just one more; the tearing to shreds of my classes was not personal. Mitchum is the owner of several newspapers and an empire. Rory is not the first person he has mentored, and given Logan's track record where he slept and fooled around with his sister's bridesmaids when his relationship with Rory had a couple months hiatus, Rory also isn't a specially distinct face in the universe of Logan's lady friends. We are so used to everyone seeing Rory in the show as super special, and also because she's a main character, but that doesn't mean everyone in her universe sees her that way.

I'm not saying that it's contradictory to canon the idea that Mitchum might have had second motives, but it's also not a given, and the opposite is as arguable and as plausible.

[storiesofsung]

Question for OM! players:

What is something that you want be canon/have a more prominent characteristic in Obey Me in the main storyline?

I’ll go first (starting with the least controversial)

Leviathan’s ex-role as grand admiral of hell’s navy

This seems to be a key point in Levi’s characteristics and overall nature, which actually explains a lot of where he’s coming from, other than “oh he’s envy so obviously he’s envious 🙄🙄🙄🤓🤓👆”…I mean that is true, buuuut I mean the more personal aspects of him characters. Yes he is a ball of envy but he specifically chooses to be an otaku, or more specifically a gamer for that matter.

A casual player who couldn’t have been that invested in the game would just say “oh uh because the game needed a quirky shut in”, which is may be partially true but also does deny the fact that he used to be, and still is, a master strategist due to his role in the Celestial War. Leviathan is smart, that I cannot deny. He may not be book smart like Satan but he is smart, and it was this intelligence of his was more explored as a plot point or at least given more importance in the story rather than a throw away in a chat.

I mean cmon be fr rn. Being Grand Admiral FROM MOTHERFUCKING HELL is a big deal no matter how you put it, former or otherwise. It’s just a bit of a waste for this to be so overlooked because I don’t know, the developers want him to play into his uwu shy boy persona all the more.

No cuz imagine Beyoncé becoming a barista in the future and from that point on nothing about her being literal Beyoncé is even given a lick of recognition like “May I take your order Ma’am” “HOLY SH-“ “um chill anyways so”

Another thing it explains is his certain envy towards his brothers and other people for that matter. Yes the game could’ve easily gone through the “oh yeah he’s envy soo 🤓🤓🤓” and honestly it sorta did but it also could’ve have gone in the opposite direction and explained that oh maybe the root of his jealously stemmed from his importance in the war—and now that that has been stripped of him, he doesn’t know what to do with himself, he thinks of himself as worthless now that he can’t move on from his ptsd.

This specific scenario was explained upon in the first few chapters of Nightbringer where he was jealous his brothers were able to move on with their lives while he lived in a cesspool of his owl self-pity, and I do applaud the game for that. (honestly I’m just picky that they didn’t go through the admiral route because HE COULDVE BEEN SO FRIGGIN HOT IN HIS OUTFIT I SWEAR—)

Ahem.

Lastly, I think this could’ve also explained (at least slightly) the extent of his power as the Leviathan. I mean he is a sin, he is a powerful demon from Hell, yet like all of them we don’t get to see the extent of his power, or at least a glimpse into what he can do (HE IS A DEMON AFTER ALL AND THE THIRD RANKED BROTHER IN TERMS OF STRENGTH, CMON BRO) :)

Man.

I really am grateful to all the fans who provided fanart and fanfic of Levi as admiral.

Lastly, happy birthday Leviathan

[biggestxsimps]

I’m Sorry

Draco Malfoy x Male Reader (Part 1)

(Takes place near the end of their 7th year, I don’t remember if there were things going on around this time (Except for like the war) so if you’re a massive HP nerd, I apologize if I've messed up the timeline and just overlooked a major event or something)(Remade because I made a fic with this idea back in July but it was so cringy so I’m hoping now it’s at least readable)(This is also my first angsty fic so sorry if it isn’t actually sad lol)

Part 2: I Forgive You

Draco’s POV:

I didn’t want it to come to this, I didn’t want to have to do this, but now I’m left with no other choice. I hoped the situation wouldn’t become so dire, yet here I am. Against the wall, looking out into the empty courtyard. That’s when Y/N showed, he sat on a bench watching the clouds as he (I assume) waited for me. I feel my hands get clammy as I walk over to him, eyes glued to the ground.

 “Good evening Dear.” He looks over to me, my stomach flutters and my heart race quickens. I opened my mouth to speak, yet nothing came out. “Something wrong Draco?” He stands, slowly making his way towards me. His hand reaches for my cheek, lifting my face to meet his gaze. I feel my eyes burn as tears threaten to gush out. “I’m sorry Y/N.” The (H/C) boy nervously chuckles as he shakes his head. “For what, Darling?” I push his hand off of my face, bringing it back down to his side. “I can’t tell you what’s going on but I need you to know I’m doing this for both of our safety. Y/N..” I pause and take a breath. 

“We can’t be together” He trips over his feet as he takes a step back. “You can’t be serious” He muttered “We’ve been together since 4th year” I fail to keep my tears in any longer “I know!.. I know.” I snap “I’m doing this to keep us safe” I start sobbing. He hesitantly moves closer, his (E/C) eyes glossy “If we could just talk about it-” “We can’t, I can’t. Why can’t you just accept that I’m doing this to help you?” I stutter. I clench my shaking hands and whisper “I’m sorry, I had no other choice” I look down and turn to walk back inside, afraid to look back at the mess I caused.

Timeskip

Draco’s POV:

It’s been about a week since I had the confrontation with Y/N. I’ve barely left the dorms since, only leaving to grab myself food every morning and night. Luckily it was the weekend, which meant I had more time to myself. I shake my head as I get off of my bed, making my way to the door. 'I can't just sit around and sulk all day' I quickly walk to The Great Hall, avoiding paths that Y/N and I would use to get to our classes. Upon making it, I walked over to the Slytherin table, taking a seat at my usual spot. Food emerges from the table, I pick up bits of everything and start to eat. 

As I finish my meal, I hear footsteps echo through the hall. I turn and look up to see the one person I hoped it wouldn’t be. My gaze shoots straight back down to my meal, not wanting to have to face him.

Y/N’s POV:

I walk into The Great Hall, feeling quite hungry after missing last night's dinner. My gaze wanders and I see a boy sitting at the Slytherin table, my heart drops as I recognize the boy. I quickly make my way to my seat at the (Your House) table, looking opposite of his direction. I stare at the food in front of me, now feeling too nauseous to eat. I can feel his gaze pierce me as I grab some bread, slowly tearing it and eating it.

I could only eat a few things, I felt too sick to continue. I had to get out of there, I couldn’t take being in the same room as him any longer. I slip out of my seat and walk to the doors, I felt as his eyes followed me until I was no longer in his sight. My tensed shoulders dropped as I made my way back to the dorms. I close the door and fall into my bed, reading a book next to me as to distract myself from the thought of him.

When I first made this fic, I was planning on making a part 2 where they make up and get back together, just let me know and I’ll try to get part 2 done soon.

- Written by Owner 1

[ride-thedragon]

I've come to the realization that I've been talking about the theory that Rhaenyra wanted Nettles dead by the end of the war without actually talking about it. That changes now.

Why Rhaenyra Targaryen Wanted Nettles the Dragonseed Dead. (A theory).

First things first this is not my theory, I've just thought about the justification on it, I believe the original poster is on Reddit.

1. Nettles does not look Valyrian: this is the most obvious case for the theory. Nettles existence is in direct opposition to the Doctrine of Targaryen Exceptionalism. The idea that they 'control the dragons' as stated by Viserys in episode one of the show is an illusion, he says this to Rhaenyra and she then says everyone thinks Targaryens are closer to Gods than men, but they say that because of our dragons. Netty isn't just a common-looking dragon rider, we have absolutely no proof that she was a descendant of any person from Old Valyria. She also uses the most unconventional means to claim her dragon. One only referenced to be used before the Dragons were claimed by the people of Old Valyria, a direct connection to the Targaryen history to dragonriding, using the closest ancestor to the wild dragons they would've claimed. That's an issue for Rhaenyra and the future of House Targaryen.

2. Alyn's Part: She also visibly does this where more notable bastards fail, Silver Denys and Alyn of Hull being the bastards that die and are burned, almost killed respectively. That doesn't aid Nettles' case with the strange way she claims her dragon, Sheepstealer ensures the death of every other potential rider, most of who would most likely look more Valyrian.

3. A smaller part: In the few descriptions we have for Nettles, It's said her loyalties were never clear and that's part of the reason she was mistrusted. I think that part is a bit overlooked because from all her actions described she fought loyally for Rhaenyra and her cause.

Moving on from the incentive, Daemon's part in Nettles's story is important but not in the ways usually discussed. These are the ways in which his part in this would’ve played out.

1. He doesn't know: Plain and Simple, Rhaenyra had this plan and didn't tell him, expecting his loyalty and understanding. In this scenario, she takes her father's words to heart after she realizes Daemon doesn't understand. He'd be more impressed by Netty than the other Dragonriders because she doesn't look like them, doesn't claim her dragon conventionally, and by all accounts is filthy, and foul-mouthed. Rhaenyra is trying to run a country, Daemon is getting to know Nettles and because Rhaenyra would be occupied she wouldn't realize how close they are becoming, Mysaria, Lady of Whispers in all but the name makes it a priority to know. Rhaenyra sends Nettles away from court at Daemon's side to prolong the issue and he gets close to Nettles and loves her in whatever way he does. The betrayers betray, Addam is now Corlys' Heir so he's questioned not executed. Mysaria informs Rhaenyra about this relationship between Daemon and Nettles and she realizes she can't depend on him as she thought, but she still expects him to understand. Rhaenyra writes to lord Mooten, to kill Nettles and send Daemon her way, but he knows better and has seen their relationship firsthand, Daemon would burn them himself if that happens and believes it would curse his house so he does his little plan, and succeeds, without breaking guest right and because it seems like the Queen is a Mad, Guest Right breaker, descending into grief and Jealousy, he changes factions, Daemon gets himself killed after securing Nettles safety because he doesn't think much, cite. "That whore of a queen killed my brother".

2. He does know: Basically, everything that was just described but he is aware of Rhaenyra’s goal, and probably petitions for Nettles to join him as a way to get Rhaenyra to seemingly not be viewed as crazy for killing Nettles, especially if she dies fighting Vhagar or Daemon kills her after. But then months go by and with the aid of Mysaria she realizes that Daemon loves Nettles and won't kill her, she then writes to lord Mooten who doesn't want to be burnt or cursed so he tells Daemon who realizes there is no sense in going back and sends Nettles away for her protection.

All in all, it's my preferred theory because HBO doesn't have the best history with Asoiaf women and depicting their grief or complexities. Making Rhaenyra have a reason for killing Nettles not just a jealous, hurt, and betrayed woman succumbing to the madness of her grief is, in my opinion, a beautiful depiction of Rhaenyra being a capable ruler but being undermined and reduced to stereotypical characterizations based solely on her gender. The people who wrote this part also notably hate her for no reason.

A note would be that Rhaenyra could just as easily put on this performance for her declaration of this decree to save face, she uses the same justification people use for her first three kids against Nettles and uses witchcraft as a justification, a practice said to be used by Queen Visenya Targaryen, an idol for Rhaenyra. It seems more like a justification for her actions rather than a belief she would hold. Especially for the child who grieved her son at her side.

[unprocione]

death island was enough social interaction w/ the ex-stars crew + claire as a group for leon for an entire year. "we'll meet up again soon right?" "oh yeah. for sure." he will now migrate to the deepest offgrid recesses of the midwest like a locust until he recharges w/ hunnigan sworn to secrecy about his exact location details. the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected!! respectfully.

they may share alot of ideals and events and similar experiences but he can only handle one person from that set at a time. there's the whole shoving the government's involvement w anything bad to do w bioterrorism under the rug and essentially being an unwilling propaganda mouthpiece ordeal he has going on that cant be overlooked.

hes kinda working against his allies who all have core themes of bringing the truth to light. claire, chris, rebecca and jill (oh ESPECIALLY jill. but claire also wounds me bc she's pretty much in direct opposition narratively) all rightfully have a bone to pick with him. which is sad considering it should really be the opposite for him in an ideal world where he isnt pressured to be trotting out the misinformation spiel everytime something that could pop the lid on us involvement w bioterrorism comes up, but he's highkey been brainwashed into believing this is what keeps the people he cares about, claire included, safe, selfishly convincing himself it's for their own good so he can sleep at night. like there's a part of him that knows what he's doing is wrong but he's tired and honestly? not as strong morally as he appears at first glance because of what hes had to bend to live with himself. (barely. its a wonder he hasnt had his stomach pumped yet tbvfh)

[wench-and-jezebel]

Dark Angel Reaction: Shorties in Love

Jezebel (@typicalopposite) reacts [with occasional asides by Wench (@scripted-downfall)]

Yaayyy! She’s back! 💕  [SHE BACK!  So is OC and Herbal and Sketch :)]  And she’s getting flirted with

“I’m not into pampering”  Unless Logan isn’t spoiling me enough.  Or is trying to be independent when I don’t want him to.  Or doesn’t have his world revolving around me

[Max, shut up; you've always gotten your insight into men from OC, wdym]  ☠️☠️☠️☠️

Oooohh ahhhhhh  [Truly a beautiful representation of the opening song]  ☠️☠️☠️ it fucking kills meeeeeee

Uh oh, nooooo

Jam pony and Max in the back like 👀👀👀  [tbf I'd be watching them pretty 👀 too]  I WAS

OC you dog ☠️ I saw you check her out when she bent over

Diamond talks in 3rd person too

Max is like DAMMIT LOGAN

Bruh why

WHY IS SHE GOSSIPINGGG

Is this poetry ever mentioned again?  Or was that just an unnecessary act of rudeness we are supposed to overlook  [Not for the most part, I don't think.  There's an unrelated mention of poetry in s2.  But that's, again, not about Logan and more about Max's jealousy]  Writers explainnnn

Mennnnn

Blech

Awwww

NOOOOO THE GIGGLE

[Max being weirdly understanding]  Right!?

This is sickeningly adorable  [I KNOW!  I love her!  Both hers!]

Ma’am.  No one is watching you.  You ain’t gotta look so… Like you’re looking

☠️☠️☠️☠️ “Pee outside.”  I mean… You did just kinda bust up into his house.  But I’m still ded

I love it so much

[Max, wtf was that stance??? The most awkward way to stand ever]  What the hell

This woman and her strange way of standing and sitting and holding guns  ["I'm gonna go home and chill out" *but first I'ma sit here randomly on the table*]  And not look at you.  Angstily.  Like… LIKE.  SHE WENT THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION TO SIT ON THE COUNTER

[Okay, apparently the poetry did come back.  Didn't get much better though]

BRUHHHH She gon die  [You're gonna jinx her]  She is jinxing herself

This is too adorable I cantttttt

DIAMOND NOOOOOOO

🤣🤣🤣  Sketch  [This is the best Max ever acts with him, wtf?]

[MAX WHAT IS THAT ARM DOING]

*sigh* That went well

[Why is she like.  Actually smiling these days.  That's so out of character?]  🤣🤣🤣

They had to make her likable this ep so when she inevitably gets Diamond killed it won’t justify OCs rage

– – – 

Jezebel: OMG I LOVE OC SO MUCCHHHH

Wench: I KNOW

Jezebel: Diamond is being sus af and I hateeeeee it 🥺🥺🥺 but shes also talking about the future and doesn’t ma’am know that’s a sure fire way to get ded?!  I know they went through this massive technology apocalypse but she has seen tv at some point in her life. That’s like rule number one: don’t plan out your future… or you won’t have one

Wench: I thought rule one was don't do the deed in a horror film.

Jezebel: SHE BROKE THAT ONE TOO

Wench: OH SHIT SHE DID

Jezebel: GAHDAMMIT WOMAN

Wench: alskdfj

Jezebel: I also love sketch and herbal! Even tho the latter had like 1/8 of a line… And Max isn’t god awful just like semi awful mainly with her bitchy snatching of the poem book.  Oh, and Logan’s “so they were making out?” MEN 🤣🤣🤣 whyyyy

Wench: I knew you’d comment with that :)

Jezebel: And really that’s all I got for midpoint… Yet another not much has happened minus the BIG main thing to happen episode

Wench: On with the show!  Literally!

– – –

[Fancy flip]

Ughhhhh DIAMONDDDD DONT DOOO IT [tbf, btw, *Max* is kinda acting sus af]

SHE DONE DONE IT DIAMOND WHYYYY

well shittttt  [She lives nonetheless]

[I think he's in CSI]  He looks familiar  [I’ll look him up later]  

YOU COULD HAVE DONE THAT THE WHOLE TIMEEEEE?!?  This is why people don’t trust you woman

[Also, James Cameron and the "dyne”s again aslkfdj  The Terminator was Cyberdyne; Alien was Hyperdyne; now we've got Synthedyne]

Why’s his apple logo upside down? ☠️  WHY’S IT UPSIDE DOWN?  [Probably because they didn't want to deal with an actual computer?  Or maybe they used to be upside down.]  ☠️🤣🤣🤣

🥺🥺🥺🥺 Well god dammmmit  [I was so sad when I found out about this first time 'round]

Bruhhhh

Yes the hell it is selfish ma’am ☠️  “Imma die. So imma go win back the one that got away and make her happy for the last little bit of time I have… then die on her… and make her life miserable. Cause that’s fair”  Wot.  WOTTTTT???  WOOOOTTTTTTT?!?!?

[OC.  MY DEAR.  STOP QUITTING YOUR JOB.]

OC 💔💔💔💔

Boo!!!! You don’t deserve thissss

I don’t write original characters but I’m about to make her one

[Max, I think you could show some compassion]

Sketchhhh

Bruhhhhh I can’t evennnn

Does she know she’s contagious  [No, I don't think so]  Ok good  [Again, my memory is spotty on 1 episodes (except 17), but I don't think so]  I didn’t want to not feel bad for her dying, for OCs sake ☠️  [Yup]

[The dude's neck brace ☠️]  I know ☠️☠️☠️ Ma’am has some ridiculous feet strength  [Neck brace dude got taken out AGAIN]

🥺🥺🥺🥺

[I'm sorry but I love Max's hair.  Should not be the focus of the scene, I know.  But it's just.  So fetching.  With that Hazmat suit]  Seeee?  SEEEE???

NOOOOO.  IM DONE.  DEAD.  [Next episode’s worse]  I CAN'T 😭😭😭😭😭

Yusssss get ‘em!  [Serves the dude right for being an asshole to the guy who tried to get him to put on the suit]

[Oh shit I forgot that line and damn but it's a good one 😭]  IT ISSSS!!!!  [That scene was very Doctor Who hospital ep, if you remember that one.  With Cassandra and the plague carriers?]  YESSSS

IS SHE THINKING ABOUT LOGAN OR FUCKING ZACH??? BLECH  [asdfkljasdlfkjaldskfj I hate you for mentioning him]

Ye you do get over your first love ☠️

[RESPECT HIS BOUNDARIES MY WOMAN!  Also, she just said Man of Letters]  ☠️☠️☠️☠️

[I could never.  I might die]  Ma’am you did.  [Shut up.  You still haven't read my poetry, actually.  And also, I haven't showed poetry about someone to that person]

BITCH READ IT OUT LOUD!  WE’RE TRYING TO KNOW

[Bitch]  wot.  Wot.  WOT?!  [You just read his intimate poetry.  And just.  Leave?]  WHAT!?!?

Ma’am.  Shut up with the circlessssss.  And explain THE nonsensical HOOPLAH I JUST WITNESSED.  I-  I JUST- WHAT?!

– – –

Jezebel: I… nope I ain’t got nothing else on that! But backpedaling to OC! She didn’t deserve that ooooh my goddddd.  Shit Diamond didn’t deserve that!  Sector guy TOTALLY deserved that!  And… I really don’t know what else to say this episode was very clean cut ☠️☠️

Wench: True!

Jezebel: The real question is tho… Are we prepared for this next episode?

Wench: I am… I've seen it six times :)

Jezebel: You would, angst queen

[nclkafilms]

Does niceness last when meaninglessness hits?

(Review of ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ watched on the 26th of January 2023)

When Martin McDonagh releases a new film, I am instantly intrigued being a big fan of ‘In Bruges’ and his latest film ‘Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri’, which saw him receive more mainstream recognition with 2 Oscar wins and 7 nominations to top it off. Thus, it was with huge expectations, I went to the premiere of his latest film, ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’, which not only sees him reunited with ‘In Bruges’ stars Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson, but also has secured him even more recognition and attention with no less than 9 Oscar nominations, including the elusive Best Directing nod, that he was snubbed for with ‘Three Billboards’. Banshees is more like ‘In Bruges’, but mostly it is completely its own bringing a fresh, thought-provoking and highly entertaining mix of pitch-black, dry Irish humour and existential dread in the midst of both national and personal crises to the table.

The story takes place on Inisherin, a small fictional island that overlooks the Irish mainland on which the civil war is raging with blasts and smoke clouds being a constant reminder of the ongoing battles. Here we meet Pádraic who is on his way to his friend Colm’s house to invite him to their daily afternoon beer at the pub. However, this day something is odd. Colm doesn’t want to go and as a matter of fact, he doesn’t even want to interact with Pádraic who is left in disbelief. Everything was okay yesterday, wasn’t it? What happened to cause this change of heart or could it be, that Colm - even worse - all of a sudden just stopped liking Pádraic? As Pádraic desperately tries to understand the situation, Colm grows increasingly annoyed until the day where everything takes a dramatic turn and Colm threatens to cut off a finger every time Pádraic disturbs him. This throws the confused Pádraic into the arms of Dominic, who is not only the son of the island’s police chief but also deemed the “village idiot”. What is Pádraic to do? Should he seek solace at home with his sister Siobhán and their animals, who never lets him down? Should he follow the often alcohol-fulled roads of Dominic? Or should he try to convince Colm to come to his senses despite the risks of ignoring his threat?

Pádraic is in his core a very simple man, yet in the hands of Colin Farrell his complex character is unfolded beautifully. From his initial confusion to his growing frustration and simultaneous deroute, Farrell embodies all of Pádraic’s emotions, while also producing laugh after laugh in his often witty interactions with Jonjo the pub owner and Jenny, his miniature donkey and - perhaps - closest and dearest friend. Ultimately, Pádraic ends up as an interesting character study. There are clear signs of depression in his traits, and it is in his meeting with the meaninglessness of his world (and existence) that Farrell takes his acting to a new level in my opinion. His mannerisms and voice work hides a depth in his character that suits McDonagh’s often razor sharp dialogues perfectly. As in ‘In Bruges’ Farrell plays opposite Brendan Gleeson, who - in the role of Colm - is much more reserved and mysterious. He first of all excels in being the blunt of the two friends and the scenes in which he confronts Pádraic are terrific. Colm is a talented violin player and he is doubting his existence; he feels a need to achieve something in life before it is too late. It is in Colm’s despair that Gleeson finds his biggest playing field and makes us reflect the most; because how long will niceness last when the world shows us its chaos and the fact that we all have an expiration date? When is it time to be egoistic? And can you really just end a friendship from one day to another? While Gleeson is perhaps the least showy of the film’s four big acting performances, he and McDonagh creates an interesting character in Colm.

Farrell and Gleeson deliver some of their finest work ever, but it is - in my opinion at least - actually the supporting cast that are the true stars here! Barry Keoghan, while balancing on the fine line of overacting, steals every scene he has as the equally annoying and endearing Dominic. On the surface, he is the “village idiot”, the black sheep of the island, but he not only holds tragic secrets but also surprising insights slowly revealed the more we get to know him. With Dominic, Martin McDonagh once again shows a talent of creating surprisingly likeable and nuanced characters who on the surface level and often in their behaviour is everything but likeable. One of the best scenes of the film is between Dominic and Pádraic’s sister Siobhán at a lake. Dominic does and says things that makes it hard to like him, but thanks to Keoghan’s acting both we and Siobhán cannot help but also show some care for him. A scene which also highlights the perhaps strongest performance in the film: that of Kerry Condon as Siobhán. Caught in between protecting her brother and wanting to escape the fecking dull prison that is the island, Siobhán is both strong-willed and caring. Condon, much like Keoghan, steals every scene she has, and manages to not only show compassion for her brother but also speak the truth without holding back. A true breakthrough performance! Finally, I feel the need to highlight Pat Shortt as Jonjo the pub owner; his line delivery in the almost lyrical dialogues had me laughing plenty of times, and Sheila Flitton as the mysterious Mrs. McCormick constantly present in the outskirts of the storyline as an ominous presence.

While the acting plays a huge part in why this film is such a brilliant viewing, it wouldn’t be a McDonagh film without his characteristic and sharp writing. With Banshees he manages to tell a story without much going on and certainly without any major, sudden changes in suspense. Yet, it flows perfectly and I couldn’t wait for each new scene. While I can totally understand why some people will be looking for the more classic narrative composition, the slow moving storyline worked perfectly for me. The interesting thing here isn’t why Colm all of a sudden doesn’t want to be friends with Pádraic; it is to see how they both react to this meaningless change of events with one forcing himself to focus inwards and the other slowly being forced to it by the actions of his previous friend. It is too see how difficult it is to break out of patterns in an enclosed society. And to realise how the world seems to be slowly ignoring everything that used to be sacred. Additionally, only a few writers manage to write such witty dialogue as McDonagh does here; the exchange of lines flows like a perfectly composed melody often spiced with his signature dark humour. 

On top of a great script, McDonagh has put together a team that simply makes the film an utter delight to watch and listen to. Ben Davis’ cinematography is beautiful and contributes some great views of the island, and especially a series of atmospheric montages were visual highlights for me. Mikkel E. G. Nielsen - fresh off an Oscar win for his editing of Sound of Metal - edits the film flawlessly and plays a huge part in the great flow of the film and the melodic nature of the dialogue. Not even close to being the most showy editing, but that just goes to highlight that his more invisible editing is just as important in creating good, cinematic experiences. Finally, Carter Burwell delivers another moody and atmospheric score for McDonagh. A score that never takes center stage, but helps highlight the sombre, reflective atmosphere of the story.

McDonagh brings (for him) typical topics to the table: the nature of friendship, the study of violence causing violence, and the recognition of outsiders. But he also draws clear parallels to the civil war simultaneously raging on the mainland and how wars and conflicts, which we often struggle to find meaningful, can change our relationships and conditions of life from one instant to another. I also could not help but feel Colm’s often excessive need to be dramatic and (perhaps unfairly) blunt towards Pádraic as a comment to the current climate of societal discussion. All in all, ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ is McDonagh bringing his best as a writer and a director, a feast of wonderful actors giving it their best and a delightfully crafted treat of slow-paced comedic drama. Right up my fecking alley!

4,5/5

[akaraboonline]

Why are you making an effort if he isn't?

Because relationships are all about giving and taking, there should never be just one person doing all of the heavy lifting. If you've realized that you're the only one making an effort while the guy you're dating sits on his buttocks doing nothing, you need to ask yourself a very important question: What the hell are you doing?

What Does A Lack Of Effort Look Like In A Relationship?

While expecting a relationship to be a 50/50 effort 100% of the time is unrealistic, the ratio should not deviate too far from that figure. Things start to look more like 90/10 when you're dating a guy who makes no effort. Here are a few examples of what could be happening. - He makes excuses for not pulling his weight. - He rarely calls or texts first. - You have to plan all of your dates. - If you live together, household duties generally fall to you. - They’re comfortable to the point of complacency. - He never offers emotional support when you need it. - Your pleasure isn’t a priority in bed. - He’s not interested in resolving conflict. He expects you to just “get over it.” - You have to beg him to do the bare minimum. - He regularly forgets your birthday or anniversary. - He makes you feel bad for needing things from him.

Why Dating A Guy Who Makes No Effort Is A Waste Of Time

You’re better than this. It's not just a matter of deserving more; it's also about being better than staying and giving someone your all when they give you nothing in return. You're better than this if you take a long look in the mirror and recognize all the wonderful aspects of yourself. Actually, you'll know you're better than this. You need to take a stand. I know that when we truly love someone, we allow things to happen that we would not normally allow. We forgive things we shouldn't, we overlook things that shouldn't be overlooked, and we let things roll off our backs that shouldn't. You're not alone in your behavior, but you can stand out by taking a moment to step outside of yourself and the situation and see it for what it is. You may not like what you see, but it is the only way to break the cycle of you being the giver and him being the taker. Aren’t you exhausted? Consider this: you're the only one making the plans, you're the only one texting him to hang out, and, for the sake of argument, you're the only one who gives a damn. Aren't you sick and tired of caring? Isn't it about time someone else, like the guy you're seeing, gave a damn? I don't believe so. I think you'd like to take a nap and let him take over for a while. You wouldn’t let a friend tolerate this BS. If a friend came to you and complained about being the only one making an effort in her relationship, you'd probably tell her to run, run, run, in the opposite direction, and never look back. This means you're well aware of how unfair a situation like this is. If you'd advise a friend to leave, you should do the same for yourself. You can’t do this forever and respect yourself. I can't emphasize how much being a fool stinks. When we allow ourselves to become the fool, it means we're at the mercy of the other person in the relationship and have reached a power imbalance. The words "self-respect" and "fool" should never be used in the same sentence because they have no business being associated. So, if you want to maintain your self-esteem, don't be the fool. You can’t place your bets on change. Assume you've arrived at the point where you've seen the light. You've realized, as plain as day, that you're the only one putting in the effort. So, what comes next? Do you honestly believe he'll change? Is that what he said? Interesting fact: people do not change. They can try, but it takes effort. You can't expect him to be a more engaging and better partner if he's not making an effort in your relationship. It's as simple as that. You don’t have the time. When you look at your life realistically, do you have enough time in the day to be the only one putting in the effort? Do you really have enough hours in the day to cater to someone who doesn't want to put forth any effort, between your career, your social life, your family obligations, and your need to just sit and stare at the TV for a couple of hours to unwind? I seriously doubt it.

A Few Things To Remember

He knows what he’s doing (or not doing). You're kidding yourself if you think he doesn't realize he's not keeping his end of the bargain and is completely unaware that he's lazy in the effort department. More precisely, you're delusional. He's well aware of what he's doing. No, he's not bothered by what he's doing. Your continued efforts are simply allowing him to become complacent. You need to understand he’s not the only guy out there. I realize this isn't breaking news by any means, but I also know that the aforementioned blindness can be crippling when it comes to seeing clearly. He's not the only guy out there, and while it may seem impossible at times, there are more than a few guys who will not only make the effort, but also want to make the effort. It’s okay to be selfish. Being selfish can be beneficial at times. When you've given everything you've got and received nothing in return, it's perfectly fine to wash your hands of the situation, sit back, and move on. If he doesn't pick up the slack you left when you decided to stop putting so much effort into things, you've got your answer. It's time to move on to the next person. It is critical that you prioritize your own well-being above all else. Even if you like him a lot, you deserve better. The bare minimum is to insist that your partner recognizes your worth. There's someone out there who can relate to you. Read the full article

[2jaeh]

ORPHIC : YUTA X READER

genre: smut, angst

warnings: mature themes, enemies to lovers kinda, kinda toxic theme, multiple smut scenes, swearing, alcohol, toys. 

slight jenoxreader 

word count : 17,5k (sorrry he’s my ult)

author: sin! 

You and Yuta never had a good relationship within your group of friends. The closest the two of you ever came to even slightly caring about each other was...in bed. After some friendly advice you decide to venture out of this toxicity and an old friend comes to the rescue. Thinking things will finally settle and you are ready to move on, Yuta comes to the realization that he wasn't a fan of you leaving him for someone else. 

A/N: WHOA this took me so long to write and rn its 2am and I barely proofread anything and just wanted to post it already! ALSO I just wanted to add Jeno is practically my ult as well and I wanted to use him for this scenario ! I promise Ill make it up to you guys with a full length fic of him lol Anyways enjoy. 

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You couldn’t understand why you hated him so much. Was it the way he did his hair ? The way he rolled his eyes at every snarky remark you directed at him ?

Or was it the way he stared at you from across the room, a smirk on his face signaling that it was going to be one of those nights.

You joined this collective of artists or the “blank space” as you were known to the public, a year ago. The team did everything from clothing to organizing crazy exhibitions, and the best part of it all was that the team members remained anonymous.

Now some of the members were already in the spotlight for their personal artworks and collections but anything under blank space was under that name only, promoted only under its respective social media accounts. The collective was founded by Taeyong, an introverted guy you met at a fashion show you once worked at. He approached you the night your art hit the runway and you’ve been working for him ever since.

You didn’t know everybody under Blank Space except for the people Taeyong trusted the most. Which from possibly 50 designers, only reduced to a total of nine close friends.

Taeyong, Johnny, Ten, Renjun, YangYang, Doyoung, Sungchan, Lucas and You.

And then, there was one person you called a friend when the mood was right. When he was not being an absolute pain in the ass.

Yuta Nakamoto.

————————————————————————

“So there’s a launch happening this weekend over at the shed” Taeyong announced to your friend group who were barely paying attention thanks to Yangyang attempting to stuff four marshmallows into his mouth. “Come on you can do one more” Lucas edged him on while Renjun shook his head disapprovingly and Sungchan tried to suppress his laughter.

“Guys please pay attention” Doyoung, the only type of authority around here spoke up, finally quieting down the room and allowing his best friend to speak.

Taeyong cleared his throat and shifted nervously as all eyes were focused on him again. “I’d like all of us to attend, maybe look for a new recruit” the timid pink haired boy spoke and everyone nodded knowing the routine of these launches at this point.

“Can we party hard or is this just one of those save face kinda gigs ?” Yuta raised his hand and the spark in Lucas’s eyes indicated that he may have had the same idea.

You rolled your eyes and crossed your leg over the other, “Yuta’s having a dry spell he wants to find some damsel in distress to get into his bed” you turned to him and he only smirked at your snarky comment.

“Well now y/n it’s only because you haven’t been in the mood for my dick lately” he pouted and Renjun threw his head back, followed by groans from both Johnny and Ten.

“I’m not in the mood for the two of you today seriously” Ten chimed in, rubbing his temples just waiting for this group meeting to be over. “Yeah me too” Johnny added, “you two fight the entire week then hook up over the weekend, we are tired.”

“Why are you guys tired ? Are you doing the fighting and fucking ?” Yuta scoffed and Doyoung jumped to his feet, folding his arms across his chest as he looked down at the scowling black haired man,

“This is a work meeting. If it's not about work” Doyoung eyes moved to you, “then we don’t want to hear about it.”

You nodded after getting reprimanded but Yuta being Yuta just snickered and downed the rest of his coffee, unbothered by what any of the people in the room had to say about him.

“Okay then well I’ll see you guys Friday night, if you find a possible recruitment just text the group chat and we will decide as a team then and there” Taeyong wrapped up the meeting and everyone dispersed back to their work stations to finish up any outstanding projects.

Blank Space had its own office block but you guys were the only ones with a private floor at the very end of the hallway, far away from the part-timers.

Everyone had their own cubicle made up of makeshift drywall, so it was private but not private enough. Taeyong felt that closed offices made no sense for a room of creatives and when working on bigger projects it was easier for members to move their stations to their partners' cubicles.

Your cubicle though had the unfortunate fate of being placed in front of Yuta. The members had tried to swap with either of you but neither of you budged. Moving meant there was a problem and showing that you had an actual problem with the other person meant it could sabotage the team and things may go sour.

So both of you conceded. Trying your absolute best to stay out of the other person's way during work hours. But it was impossible when bickering was just something you guys did.

From the very beginning You and Yuta had disagreed on almost everything. Both of you were pretty stubborn people and had a very similar mindset. Then on a random drunken night Johnny suggested that you and Yuta needed to release your anger in bed and the next day you’d be best friends. Yuta was pretty adamant on the idea and not only did you hook up once, it became this ongoing hell of fighting, building up your anger and releasing it during mind blowing sex.

Neither of you questioned the abnormality of your relationship. Rather, you ignored the red flags and the toxicity of it all and just assumed attraction only happened through liquor, high sexual needs and boredom.

“Hey y/n sorry about snapping like that earlier” Doyoung stepped into your cubicle, his gummy smile showing as he nervously scratched his head.  “It’s no problem, I’m sorry about my stupid comment” you pressed your lips together feeling a tad guilty that it all started because of you.

“You guys really love riling each other up don’t you?” Doyoung took a seat opposite you which was a bit unnatural for anyone who walked by. Doyoung was a very reserved person and never bothered to converse with any of you besides Taeyong. Unlike the rest of you Doyoung was recruited to handle finances and foresee the operation. He appreciated the arts but never delved in it, hence his awkwardness with the openness and unhinged personalities of the group.

“I get that it can be...exhausting” you sighed, propping your elbows up on the counter and pouting.

“Then why do you continue ?” Doyoung quizzed and you shrugged, “stress relief ?”

Doyoung chuckled at your words and pushed his spectacles up his bridge, “you guys are the ones stressing each other out,” Doyoung turned back to look at Yuta who was busy sketching and turned back to face you,

“All I’m saying is that maybe it’s time to look for a stress reliever that doesn’t result in anger the very next day, you guys need to move on.”

Move on.

Doyoung’s words swam in your mind hours after the short conversation had ended and you wondered if it was indeed time to move on. You looked up from your desk and to your surprise Yuta’s eyes were locked with yours as he twirled a lollipop in his mouth.

The issue was, as much as you hated him you couldn’t deny he was so goddamn hot. From the long hair to the edgy attire, physically he was your type. Personality on the other hand, it was like nails against a chalkboard.

Unbearable.

You kept your eyes locked with him until he slowly pulled the sweet out of his mouth, licked his lips and blew you a cheeky kiss from across the room.

“Moron” you mumbled and shook your head trying to ignore his devilish motives and get back to work.

Doyoung was right. You definitely needed to find someone to distract yourself from Yuta’s hold over you.

———————————————————————-

It was the night of the launch and everybody showed up with their own rides and  began mingling with former clients and partners. You arrived with Ten and Lucas who already decided to pre-game drinks just in case ‘there wasn’t enough at the party.’

“Hey please do us a favor and not hook up with Yuta tonight” Ten wrapped his arm around your shoulder as the two of you maneuvered through the groups of people. “Not planning on it” you replied in his ear, “and besides Doyoung already beat you to that pep talk.”

“Doyoung ?” Ten wrinkled his nose before ordering the two of you a mojito from the open bar.

“Yeah he said that I should move on, possibly find a new hookup” you shrugged, retrieving the drink and headed to a balcony that overlooked the first floor of the launch party. There were bodies of people everywhere, networking, checking out merchandise or just getting plain wasted.

“Seems like Lucas has already been cut off from the open bar” Ten pointed out, watching the tall man try to push his way back to the bar but the bouncer refused him to do so.

“Let me go help him out, I'll catch up later” Ten sighed and gave you a pat on your shoulder, “and yeah find a new hookup, if Yuta gets to sleep around so can you.”

You watched Ten disappear into the crowd and twirled the glass in your hand wishing what he had said was that easy.

There were no rules about hooking up with other people or just any reinforcements in general when it came to you and Yuta. But you we’re well aware of his loose sex life. There were many times where Yuta ended up going home with some random person if he wasn’t in the mood to hook up with you. But You on the other hand, never bothered these days because you were either too busy or whoever you met just ended up boring you to death.

“Y/n ?” You heard someone say from behind you and to your surprise it was a face you hadn’t seen in years.

“Jeno ? Oh my God” you quickly gave the blonde boy a quick hug, taken back by how much he had filled out since high school.

Jeno used to help you out from time to time during proms and fashion shows, lending out his strength to build anything from sculptures to installation art in the city.

“I was wondering when I was going to bump into you at one of these shows” his bright smile turned his eyes into crescents as he joined you at the balustrade. The Jeno you knew in high school was a lanky shy kinda guy but the Jeno you saw now was confident, mature and outright gorgeous.

“I’m quite surprised seeing you here actually” you chuckled shyly, “I didn’t know you’d pursue anything in this field to be honest.”

“Wow” Jeno mouthed and cutely grinned, “hmm that kinda hurt considering I’m the one who made the centerpiece of this entire launch”

Your eyes widened as you looked down at the structure of colored sharpies bound together to create a giant rubix cube in the middle of the party. “Holy shit that’s awesome my boss would absolutely love you” you gasped, knowing Taeyong absolutely loved installation art especially at a large scale like this.

“Oh who’s your boss ? I’m actually a free agent right now” Jeno replied and you quickly remembered the reason you were even at the launch in the first place. “Wait! We’re looking for recruits right now, let me just tell the others about it” you said excitedly, handing Jeno your drink and pulled up the group chat on your phone.

A few minutes later everyone confirmed the meeting place of a private room located on the second floor, quiet enough for a quick interview and decision. The best part of this job was everyone was so connected that there was no need to go through the process of a full portfolio look and a million interviews, all you needed was a trusted ally within the group to vouch for you and you were already one foot in.

“Ten and Yangyang took Lucas home after he tried to challenge the bartender to an arm wrestling match” Johnny entered the room and sipped his whiskey while Renjun and Sungchan followed close behind him. Taeyong and Doyoung stood in front of the room discussing something amongst themselves while you and Jeno took a seat on the burgundy couch.

Yuta entered shortly after, drink in hand and you noticed his eyes narrow in on Jeno who sat close to you. “Okay everyone who’s able to make it is here let’s get started” Taeyong clasped his hands together, “everybody this is Jeno Lee and a long time friend of y/n.”

“Not that long but yeah we did work together” Jeno chuckled and got to his feet, “well I’m an installation artist, I actually made the centerpiece in tonight’s launch.”

“Wow, it's amazing!” Renjun complimented and Sungchan agreed, giving Jeno a thumbs up, “yeah man that piece is brilliant.”

Jeno smiled from ear to ear as the meeting proceeded with everyone going through a few of Jenos works and what he could bring to the team. While your teammates concentrated on Jenos work all you could concentrate on was Jeno himself.

You wondered if Jeno knew how gorgeous he was in his effortless tank top and denim jeans combo. You hoped no one caught you staring but someone was well aware of your actions.

Yuta watched how you looked at the young guy, he wasn’t stupid, he knew when you found someone attractive and the way you were ogling Jeno right now, he didn’t like it at all.

The meeting ended and everyone welcomed Jeno to the collective. Johnny gave him a few pointers on which coffee to order from the cafe next to the office and Sungchan exchanged gamer tags with his new friend.

“I’ll see you guys on Monday” you waved as everyone exited the meeting and before you could make your way to catch up with Jeno and Sungchan you were being pulled back into the room.

“Your place or mine ?” Yuta mused and snaked an arm around your waist, looking down at you with dark eyes.

“Neither” you responded, “I’m gonna hang with Jeno and head home, you should find that little damsel to play with”

“Don’t be difficult y/n we're long overdue for our therapy session now” he groaned, pressing his lips to your ear and jaw. As much as he aroused you by just breathing you thought about what Doyoung had said, you needed to move on from this mess.

“Listen I think we need to just stop our sessions” you stepped away from him leaving Yuta slightly taken back from your actions, “let’s move on, be out of each other’s way and not make the group uncomfortable okay ?”

Yuta watched you press your lips together and finally make your exit, leaving him completely alone. You denied his advances for the first time since the two of you started sleeping together and something in him broke.

————————————————————————

Monday came around and the whole team buzzed about Jeno joining the team. Usually a new recruit would hang downstairs with the part time designers but because Taeyong trusted your judgement on Jeno, he was able to integrate with the team.

“Man that Jeno guy seems real chill” Yangyang hopped alongside Johnny and Yuta who were doing the morning coffee run. Yuta kept his composure despite knowing he wasn’t a huge fan of someone new joining the team and throwing off the dynamic. Hands in his pocket he ignored Yangyangs endless questions about the meeting, allowing Johnny to entertain the eager young boy.

“All I know is that having Jeno around means I don’t have to do all the carrying when Lucas bails on me” Johnny sipped his drink as they made their way back to their office. To their surprise Jeno had just arrived, looking like a lost puppy as he examined the names of the floors next to the secretary desk.

“Speak of the devil” Johnny threw his arm around Jeno, startling the boy and led him over to the elevator, “we’re at the top floor newbie, make sure to get an access card from Taeyong.”

“T-thanks” Jeno grinned and bowed politely to both Yuta and Yangyang before stepping into the elevator. The other guys barely bothered with Yuta’s reaction to Jeno because he rarely liked anyone enough to show any sign of enthusiasm. Jeno wasn’t going to change that.

The elevator opened to the top floor and Jeno awed at the chilled atmosphere you all had created here. From Ten’s thousands of plants around the room, Taeyongs fish, a pool table brought in by Lucas and gaming stations set up by Sungchan, it looked like paradise.

“This....is so cool oh my God” Jeno stepped in, his eyes wandering all over the place until it locked on you hanging over at the fish tank with Taeyong.

“Y/n!” Jeno jogged over and you greeted him with a wide smile and a tight hug, “Jeno you made it!” You gleamed. Jeno quickly shook Taeyong’s hand unsure of how formal of a boss he actually was.

“Whoa I feel like a principal” Taeyong giggled as he dropped a few fish flakes for his babies. “Wow, does everybody have their own cubicle ?” Jeno strolled around the room taking a peak at the vast versions of decor each cubicle adorned.

“Yeah” you responded, “but I don’t think yours is ready yet right Doyoung ?”

“That’s right,” Doyoung replied and folded his arms across his chest, “you don’t mind sharing for the week do you ?”

Jeno shrugged and looked over at you, “I was hoping to catch up with y/n anyway, I don’t mind sharing if it’s okay with you ?”

“It’s perfectly fine” you assured him and gestured over to your cubicle, “me casa is su casa.”

“I’m just gonna need some admin stuff sorted Jeno can you join me for a bit ?” Doyoung asked and Jeno nodded, giving you a quick hug before heading off to the administration offices with Doyoung. You watched the blonde guy exit and something just felt so much brighter in the office. You felt a sense of excitement of what’s to come now that Jeno was back in your life. But like all sunny days there always comes a thunderstorm and yours was staring you down like he was waiting to rain on your parade.

“What ?” You blinked, and Yuta shrugged as he peeked into your cubicle. “It’s a bit small isn’t it ? Don’t think two people can work in here” he raised his brow and looked over at you.

“It’s fine” you sighed and pushed past him, “it’s only for a week and he’s not a stranger to me, why do you care ?”

“I don’t” Yuta mumbled, dragging his feet back to his cubicle leaving you questioning his slightly odd behavior. Your mind quickly snapped out of it when Jeno had made his way back, that bright smile spread across his face and suddenly it felt like sunshine filled the room once more.

“I’m back!” He sang and pulled a chair opposite you, retrieving his laptop already looking like a regular in the office.

“Did Doyoung tell you about tonight ? Our little welcoming party over at Kleo’s Sky Bar ?” You asked, skimming through your emails for the day. “Oh, yeah he did, I mean you guys don’t have to do all of this” Jeno chuckled shyly, those pretty eyes distracting you for the third time that day.

“Nah we do it for everyone, and it’s better you know everyone drunk to avoid future surprises” you pointed over to Lucas who was coaching Yangyang through a trick shot at the pool table.  “Gotcha” Jeno nodded, as he watched one of the balls fly off the table and nearly knock Renjun in the back. It was chaos absolutely everyday in the office and you knew Jeno was going to love it here.

But even with Jeno in front of you, your new distraction, your new beginning, like Doyoung and Ten had said you needed, it was a habit at this point to look across the room, wondering what Yuta was up to. You watched him remove his cardigan, exposing his arms in those loose tank tops he always loved to wear as he concentrated on a sketch in front of him. Thankfully he was fully immersed in his work for once to take notice of your eyes on him. You continued observing him, watching him nod along to probably some alternative song blaring in his headphones as he sketched away on his iPad. He was so effortlessly attractive when he wasn’t aware of it.

You needed to snap out of this daydream.

“So are you seeing anyone these days ?”

“Hmm ?”

Jeno laughed as you finally realized that he’d been talking to you and you mentally cursed yourself for even being distracted by Yuta of all people.

“I’m sorry..Uhm no I’m not seeing anyone” you replied, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and Jeno nodded cutely, “uh good...uhm not good that you’re alone but I was hoping you weren’t...God I’m still so bad at this”

You felt your cheeks heat up seeing Jeno fumble over his words and get nervous about asking you such a question. He was so adorable and something in you also wondered if he was like this in a relationship, or in the bedroom.

Was he dominant ? Was he passive ? Yuta was very dominant and you’d even rile him up to the point of him making you shut up with his actions.

“Y/n ?” Jeno waved his hand in front of your face and you shook your head, you couldn’t believe you did it again. What the hell was wrong with you ?

“Oh my God Jeno I'm so sorry...these emails are just a pain in the ass” you lied but thankfully Jeno took the bait and nodded, “it’s okay I’ll let you get back to work, I was going to go down to the cafe, do you want anything ?”

“Yeah a cafe latte would be great thank you” You felt guilty but it was still only two days since you decided to cut off Yuta so adjusting was going to take a bit of time.

Jeno had left for the cafe and you quickly dove straight into your work, hoping the time would just fly by. That was until you heard a knock and watched Yuta saunter into your cubicle and take a seat right in front of you. You watched him prop his elbows on the table and his piercing eyes narrowed down on you as if he were waiting for an answer.

“Why are you here ?” You questioned him, doing your best to divert your attention from his chiseled arms and exposed chest.

“I want an explanation,” Yuta said calmly, his voice deep and monotone.

“To what ?” You knew fully well what he was talking about but you were really  not in the mood to talk to him about this.  Yuta sighed and cocked his head to the side, clearly annoyed by your response. “Why the fuck are we calling it quits when we are nothing to each other ? Can’t we just hook up and ignore each other as usual ?” You sensed the annoyance in his voice. Denying him that night was indeed eating him up since you’ve never done it before.

“Yuta that’s the whole point” you rubbed your temples, “if we are nothing to each other then we shouldn’t be hooking up, it just ties us together for absolutely no reason.”

Yuta stayed quiet for a bit and eventually just nodded, “fine do whatever you want I guess.” You watched him walk out, not bothering to give you a second look and you wondered if the unsettling feeling you were experiencing in this moment was how he felt two days ago.

Nothing made sense.

————————————————————————

The evening arrived and everyone was in good spirits because you were all headed to one of your favourite spots in town. “Lucas you gotta do karaoke tonight” Sungchan threw his arm around the large brown haired man as they entered the bar. “Hmm give me a few rounds of drinks first” Lucas stuck out his tongue as he gestured to the waitress to get the gang the usual table.

Thankfully tonight the bar was fairly empty which meant that the gang could really loosen up without the prying eyes of strangers wishing you’d all just leave.

“Wow this place is pretty cool” Jeno gleamed, allowing you to enter the booth first like a true gentleman before scooting right in next to you. Yuta opted for the seat at the very end as usual, so he could sneak off to smoke without bothering any of friends every couple of minutes. The position also gave him a clear view of you and Jeno who were snuggled up in the corner already lost in your own private conversation.

“Beer ?” Johnny nudged Yuta, snapping him out of his fixation. Yuta nodded and slumped back in his seat trying his best to focus on whatever Renjun and Yangyang were talking about. It’s not like him to feel this way. Usually by now he’d be seated next to you, annoying the shit out of you until he saw those pretty eyes glare at him with rage. Then after you’d have a few drinks you’d be leaning on his shoulder, playing with his rings until he offered to take you home, and then-

“To Jeno!” Lucas yelled, lifting up a shot glass of God knows what and rallied everyone to join in on his toast.

“To Jeno” you grinned leaning into Jeno’s side and clinked glasses with him. Jeno felt warm, comforting, he made it so easy for you to just enjoy having him around rather than it being a task. That’s what a healthy relationship was like wasn’t it ?

“Jeno Im glad and also sorry that you have to join the most annoying group of people ever” Doyoung half smiled and Taeyong waved his hand, “we’re not that annoying Jeno I promise” the pink haired boy reassured him despite Renjun and Ten agreeing with Doyoung’s words. Jeno just laughed it off and turned to you with a bright smile as he draped his arm over your shoulder,

“Kinda feels like fate that I bumped into you huh?”

You know he may have been joking but Jeno was really unaware that his presence really was the antidote to getting rid of the Yuta situation. The team loved him, he was someone you knew and could trust, it was all right there for you, written on paper. Nothing could possibly go wrong… right ?  

“Fourth round is on me” Taeyong held up his card to the waitress despite his tired eyes were quite evident. Everyone was well over tipsy and Lucas had already entertained the bar with his beautiful rendition of “Starboy” by The Weeknd and Johnny stepped in as his air guitar player in the back.

“Gotta go to the bathroom!” You whined while Jeno helped you to your feet as you pushed your way past a sleeping Renjun and a spaced out Sungchan. You could tell tonight was going to take a toll on everyone tomorrow morning.

You quickly exited to the back where the bathrooms were located. You walked down the dim hallway, mentally thanking yourself for not overdoing it with the alcohol as each step became darker and darker.

“Watch your step” someone said and you turned around to see Yuta leaning over a railing with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth.

“Yeah” you managed to say and entered the bathroom before he could say anything else. The lack of alcohol didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts of Yuta filling your mind as you stopped to wash your hands. All you could think about was if he was going to be there when you walked back. Was he going to say anything ? Was he going to do anything ?

Were you going to do anything ?

You stepped outside, head a little more muddled than when you walked in and your first question was answered, Yuta was still there leaning up against the wall looking ahead of him. You slowly began your journey back, keeping your head down to avoid any type of confrontation with him.

“Y/n….” He mumbled, reaching out until he had a grip on your wrist causing your eyes to look up at him. Why did he look so goddamn breathtaking right now, with his stupid black hair all messy and his eyes luring you in like a lion to it’s prey.

“W-what ?” You replied, unsure why you still allowed him to hold you or even have the nerve to stop you from getting back to the rest of your friends. Yuta pushed himself off the wall and turned your body so you were now pressed against the concrete and his body was pressed against you. Your breathing hitched as he ran his fingers lightly down your arms. His eyes concentrated on his movements while yours focused on his face, watching him bite down on his lip as he took in the position the two of you were now in.

“You remember a few weeks back and I had you up against this wall moaning my name ?” His voice was so low that it aroused you, making you mentally curse yourself for the lewd thoughts.

“Yuta…” you sighed but there was a hint of desperation in your voice surprising yourself but not really phasing Yuta at all.

“Yeah just like that” he hummed before pressing his lips to your jaw, and peppered kisses all the way down to your neck. You felt yourself willingly giving him access, melting into every kiss he placed on your warm skin. Yuta’s hands grabbed your waist and pinned you against the wall while your hands instinctively wrapped around his neck and into the soft tufts of his hair.

“Yuta…we shouldn’t…I shouldn’t” you breathed, feeling yourself pulling him closer instead of pushing him away.

“Tell me no and I’ll stop y/n '' Yuta said into your ear to which you responded by pulling him by his belt buckle and pushed yourself up to capture his lips. Yuta’s dominance finally showed when he slipped his leg in between yours, giving you the chance to gain a bit of friction your core so desperately desired at this point. You felt Yuta’s smirk in your kiss when you began grinding down on his thigh showing him the obedient whore you were for him. Nothing Yuta loved more was for you to beg for him, beg for his touch, need him. That was until the two of you heard footsteps and to your dismay it was the last person you’d ever want to see you trapped against a wall with the man you hated.

It was Lee Jeno.

“I’m sorry I - I’m sorry I’ll leave you guys alone-“ Jeno stumbled, he felt his cheeks heat up and made his quick exit out of the hallway.

“Jeno!” You called, pushing Yuta off and tried to neaten yourself. Yuta felt a heated sensation overcoming his body the moment he saw the look in your eye when you saw Jeno and the way you pushed him off like he was a piece of trash. Like he was nothing.

“You know maybe if you’d stop pretending like you don’t wanna fuck me then we can go back to normal” Yuta spat, not caring about the unfortunate situation that had just unfolded.

You turned around to face him and the next words that came out of your mouth you weren’t sure if you were going to regret it or not.

“You’re right Yuta that’s all you are to me and that’s all you ever will be, a good fuck for about an hour and that’s it. Other than that there’s no use for you. At all.”

You stormed away before Yuta could respond, but by now you would have heard his curses echoing throughout the hallway, the whole damn bar would’ve heard it. But there was nothing.

Absolute silence.

———————————————————————

It had been two weeks since the interaction with Yuta at the bar and what you had to him still resonated with you, wanting so badly to apologize. But each time you saw him at the office he paid you little to no attention, going on about his day peacefully and you didn’t want to interrupt that.

Jeno thankfully understood the situation and was more than willing to be the rebound guy, his only rule being that besides work related matters you needed to cut off communication with Yuta altogether.

‘It was the only way you’d get full closure and my mind would be at peace’ Jeno had said after you gave him the rundown of everything that had happened.

Jeno and you agreed to just casually date, nothing official and nothing too serious. You guys went on movie dates, cafe dates and kept the physical aspect to a minimum. It was simple. Laidback. A very normal form of dating.

“Y/n I’m gonna need you on a photo shoot set in a few hours” Taeyong peeped his head into your cubicle and you looked up at him with a frown, “I thought we were working on that rappers record party ?”

“Yeah that rapper wants you, Yangyang and Yuta to tag up the wall for a video segment of his photo shoot” Taeyong replied with a shrug and left you bewildered.

Yuta. From all the damn people he could’ve chosen you had to work beside the person who practically called trash in your last meeting.

Great.

You wrapped up the last of your work and headed downstairs to the parking lot where an Uber was waiting for you. Thankfully Yangyang  could talk anyone’s head off because just sitting next to Yuta during the car ride felt tense. Normally he’d be pushing you into Yangyang or commenting on how his tattoos were better than yours. But all he did was look out of the window watching as the buildings moved past, keeping his airpods in to avoid any type of communication with anyone.

“You guys are finally here! Good Mark Lee is waiting for you at the shoot location” a woman dressed in all black led you into what looked like a gymnasium turned into a giant canvas.

“Are we going to paint all of this ? Man this is going to take forever” Yangyang gasped as the three of you walked through cans of paint, staff members and models.

“You guys are the designers from black space who did that painting over at Jynx Club ?” A young guy approached who you quickly realized was the new hot rapper around town, Mark Lee.

“Uh yeah, that’s us” you chuckled shyly and looked around, “are we really doing up the entire room ?”

“Oh hell nah just the backdrop behind me” Mark waved his hand, “we just laid everything out for a few cgi effects but you guys, do ya thing over there!” You watched the hyped boy get called over by the director leaving the three of you faced with a gigantic piece of white board and no idea.

“Since you guys are uncultured and probably don’t listen to Mark Lee, let me be in charge of this piece” Yangyang pulled out his iPad and began scrolling through some of his sketches. “Be my guest” Yuta shrugged, completely disinterested in the topic and most likely just wanted to get done and go home.

Yangyang finally settled on something that utilized all three of your styles and you all put  on your white overalls, immediately getting to work.

The vibe of the whole job was quite chilled and because of the fumes most of the staff had left the gymnasium leaving the three of you to work in peace. “God I need to pee so bad,” Yangyang groaned as he dangled from a ladder, an aerosol can in hand and a nearly completed section in his corner.

“Dude take a break we’re way behind you anyway” you walked over to steady the ladder as Yangyang finally made his way down. “Thanks guys, be back in 20” he shot you a thumbs up and disappeared into the tunnel leading to the gym lockers.

The tension returned but it was somehow worse than ever before. Even though Yuta was minding his own business for the first time while retrieving a paintbrush he looked at you. There was no unsettling glare or the feeling that he was pissed off at you, he just looked at you like he’d look at anyone else.

And somehow that felt even worse.

“Yuta…do you mind if we talk for a bit” you cleared your throat and he looked over at you and removed one of his airpods signaling to you that he was listening.

“Okay Uhm well I want to apologize for what I said that night” you bit down on your lip, “I didn’t mean it, and it was selfish of me to even think of you like that after coming onto you in the first place.”

Yuta blinked and eventually just nodded, “apology accepted, and I can see that you like Jeno so I’m trying to stay out of the way” he shrugged and continued painting as if this conversation wasn’t that deep to begin with.

“Are you not going to get me back? Are you sure you’re Yuta ?” You raised a brow and Yuta’s manic laugh echoed throughout the gymnasium, “you want me to be mean to you ? Wow y/n that’s truly some kink you got there”

“Ugh you know what I mean” you shoved him playfully, unaware that the brush you were wearing was still wet and now Yuta’s jaw adorned a light shade of orange.

“Oh shit I’m sorry” you quickly said but Yuta had already responded by swiping his red painted fingertips across your cheek and smirked, “now we’re even.”

“Hey mine is way worse than yours!” You grumbled and flicked more paint at Yuta which then enabled a paint war between the two of you. Yuta giggled so much that for a second you forgot how silent he actually had been the past two weeks. He was back to his usual self and so were you, playfully making a mess with him until Yangyang emerged from the tunnel and yelled,  “What are you morons doing ?!”

You and Yuta stood still in the middle of the room both covered head to toe in paint but the scene was way too comical to hold in your laughter any longer.

“Yangyang we’re so sorry but look, it gave the canvas a little more color” you gestured to it and you weren’t lying, it actually did look a lot better than before.

“Fine you two can go on break, I'll finish up so we’re not sitting around until midnight” Yangyang huffed and returned to his masterpiece. “Is there a place to clean up here ?” Yuta asked and the woman from earlier on walked in and pointed to the tunnel located in the back of the gym, “there are bathrooms and showers back there, our crew provided fresh towels as well so go ahead” she smiled and you silently thanked her before heading to the tunnel with Yuta.

“God I have paint everywhere” you whined as you took a look at yourself in the mirror. Yuta chuckled as he began inspecting himself, looking at the peculiar fingerprints all over his face and neck. “This shit better not stain my skin” he grumbled as he picked away a piece of paint from a crevice in his ear.  “Tell me about it” you responded and began removing the overalls. All you could think of was jumping into that shower stall and allowing the hot water to melt away all the grime and paint when you noticed Yuta was already down to his boxers.

Your gasp made Yuta snicker to himself as he walked around the bathroom looking for the ideal stall to take his shower in.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before” you heard him say before hopping into one of the stalls and drawing the curtain. Despite his words being correct it still made your cheeks heat up with embarrassment. You guys were comfortable like this before, not now, not with Jeno in your life.

You shook your head and entered a stall opposite Yuta and a few rows down, just so you weren’t close to him but not far enough that made you feel alone.

“Fuck how is their paint on my ass ? That’s impossible!” Yuta groaned and you couldn’t help but laugh, “TMI, Yuta” you replied and Yuta scoffed, “says the person who’s responsible for this.” The banter ended and again all you heard was the sound of both showers hitting your bodies simultaneously, the air filled with steam and more unusual tension.

“Y/n ?”

“Yeah?”

Yuta was silent for a while and then you heard his water turn off. “Do you uhm mind checking if I got all the paint off my back ? I’ll uhm put my boxers on” he mumbled and you felt your heartbeat speed up.

First of all the Yuta you knew would’ve just walked over butt ass naked and pulled your curtain aside not caring at all. The way he acted now was out of character, but somewhat familiar.

“Yuta I’m still in the shower and naked” you chewed on the inside of your cheek while you waited in silence.

“I’ll close my eyes, I just don’t want this shit to dry up when we get back to work later” he replied and you heard his light footsteps coming toward you. Quickly moving your hair back and holding the curtain against your body, you slowly peeled back the material to reveal Yuta with his back facing you and with his eyes closed, like he said.

You peered down at his golden skin, taking in his broad shoulders and tiny waist as you inspected for any more signs of acrylic paint.

“Uhm yeah you have a little on your shoulder blade and lower back”

“Do…you mind…”

You bit down on your lip knowing this was already crossing the line. But you had just made up and it was your fault that he had paint on his back in the first place. It was innocent. That’s what you had to keep telling yourself while staring at one of the sexiest people you had ever met.

You began rubbing away pieces of the paint, ignoring Yuta’s whines when you used too much pressure. Your hands traced down to his lower back, settling in the dip as you tried to remove a very stubborn piece of paint.

“Ugh this one is not coming off” you scratched at it and to your surprise Yuta had let out a moan instead of the usual wincing.

“I don’t mean to kink shame but-“

Yuta spun around and glared at you, challenging you to finish your sentence but you were more concerned at the fact that the only thing protecting your nude body from Yuta right now was a thin piece of fabric.

“Yuta!” You scolded and he rolled his eyes, “oh please y/n I’ve seen it all, now can you please help me with the paint ?”

You watched wide eyed as Yuta stepped into the shower going back on his word to close his eyes and face the wall. You couldn’t believe what was happening right now but the quicker you removed the paint the quicker he’d be out of here.

“Aren’t your boxers…going to get wet ?” You watched him step closer to water already allowing his hair to soak up the warm stream. “Well you’re not gonna let me take them off with you in here and I’ll probably just go commando when we get back to the office” Yuta shrugged and you should’ve known that was one of his options since he has done it in the past.

You sighed and let go of the curtain allowing your naked body to be free and go back to work on his paint splatter. Yuta was calm and collected throughout the process, you silently commended him on his restraint, that was until he decided to turn around and look at you.

“Y-Yuta you promised” your voice was small but you still didn’t do much to cover up your body. Yuta leaned against the cold ceramic wall as he stared at you, his stare was dark, inviting you in like that night at the bar.

“I’m not going to do anything y/n unless you want me to” he reassured you, still maintaining a distance and doing absolutely nothing to persuade you. But did you need persuasion when all he needed to do was be in the same room as you?

The two of you stared in each other’s eyes for a few minutes and you had no idea who actually made the first move but there you were in the center of the shower stall, in a random gymnasium, kissing Yuta Nakamoto.

Yuta’s bare body was pressed against yours as the two of you fought for dominance in the kiss. You placed your hands on his chest to which he responded by wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer until his hardened member twitched against your stomach. There were no words, just actions. Each kiss only made you more desperate for him, not feeling this type of arousal since that night at the bar. He was the only person who could turn you on to the point that every image of Jeno was erased from your mind.

You tugged down his boxers with urgency and Yuta helped you quicken the process, quickly kicking away the piece of clothing and had you pushed up against the wall with your legs wrapped around his waist. Yuta pulled away from your lips with a sultry bite on your bottom lip and lined up his member with your core. He kept his eyes on you the entire time from the moment he slipped into your wetness to the harsh thrusts he was now giving to you against the coldness of the wall. You felt like you were complete, filled with the right amount of passion and ecstasy. God you hated to admit it but nobody could fuck you the way Yuta did. Absolutely no one.

Yuta slowed down his thrusts and you brought your feet back to the ground, gesturing for him to take a seat on the floor and got on top of his member once more. Yuta threw his head back as you rode him relentlessly, grabbing onto your ass as he tried to meet your rhythm. The sight of him partially under the water and his swollen lips was delicious, you couldn’t ask for a better view right now. Yuta on the hand was also enjoying having you bounce on his length, quickly realizing that the women he had bedded during his time without you were not worth it. Not a single one of them made him feel the way you did. Even the times you guys were fucking around he’d sleep with other women because he didn’t want to admit that you are his best. You will always be his best.

“G-gonna cum” you panted and Yuta quickly rubbed circles on your clit to help you reach your orgasm. He watched your body spasm and you threw your head back with a soft moan. The sight alone made him come undone straight after you, filling you up completely.

You slowly got to your feet with the help of Yuta offering his hand and managed to finally catch your breath.

What the fuck did you just do ?

“Before you say this was a mistake and you hate me, hear me out” Yuta spoke up, “I need to know something”

You bit down on your lip. “Yeah?”

“Do you like me ?”

“What ?” You quietly questioned and Yuta sighed, rubbing his temples, “do you like me y/n ? actually like me ? Or is it you just like fucking me ?”

“I don’t know Yuta you know that I’m seeing Je-“you began explaining before Yuta quickly cut you off. “Don’t say his name, listen I know you like fucking me because that’s what happened right now despite whatever feelings you have for…Jen..him.”

“So what am I supposed to do ?” You asked, still unsure of how you were even going to face Jeno back at the office after this.

“Use me,” Yuta deadpanned, “keep me as your dirty little secret and I won’t tell a soul. I just don’t want this to end. I’m fucking addicted to this, and clearly you’re in need of me just as much as I need you.”

Yuta took a step forward and cupped your cheek with the palm of his hand. “I just crave you all goddamn day and nothing is fulfilling that need until right now.”

You knew exactly what he was talking about but you couldn’t bring yourself to share how much you ached for him. Late nights when you were alone you even pleased yourself with memories of him. You were unsure if it was lust at this point or you actually missed being around him. Despite every fight and argument the two of you had, there was something always drawing you in.

“First of all I don’t hate you” you sighed and he chuckled dryly before you continued, “I don’t know if this is a good idea but I’m only agreeing because Jeno and I aren’t serious yet and if we are-“

“I’ll back off I promise” Yuta quickly added and you nodded, “he can’t know about this, nobody can.”

“You have my word” Yuta pressed his lips together and for the first time he looked absolutely serious. Something in you made you trust that he wouldn’t fuck this up, because that would mean the one thing he wanted most right now would fall through.

You just hoped that this little need the two of you had for each other wasn’t turning into an…obsession.

————————————————————————-

“You guys are finally back” Ten stretched his arms above his head as you, Yangyang and Yuta returned back to the office after quite an eventful afternoon.

“Wanna see pics ? It turned out great!” Yangyang grinned quickly, running over to the older guys, showing off his artwork. Jeno was over at the game area with Sungchan completely invested in beating his friend in a round of Call Of Duty.

“Hey you” you sunk into the beanbag next to Jeno who shot you a quick glance before concentrating on his next move, “your hairs wet, why ?”

“Showered after the painting session” you answered diligently hoping there were no follow up questions. Thankfully he was way too invested in his video game to care much, you really weren't in the mood for an interrogation after half a day with Yuta.

Jeno asked a lot of questions when he felt insecure about something. Even though time had been short with him, it still somehow felt like a 2 year relationship. For a young guy Jeno was pretty old fashioned, he made you pick all the date places and never bothered to make the first move physically until you hinted to him that it was okay.

He was so different to what you were used to and you were afraid that if you didn’t speed things up with him this little secret with Yuta would turn into a reality.

“Hey y/n can you help me with lunch ?” Doyoung called from the makeshift kitchen area a few feet away and you silently thanked him for distracting you from your thoughts.

“Hey Doyoung” you smiled as you began opening containers from the Chinese delivery you guys frequented. “Just wanted to check in with you” Doyoung sweetly said as he grabbed a few utensils, “you and Jeno huh ? Was that part of my advice ?”

You pressed your lips together and nodded. “Yeah I guess so, it also helps that I’ve known him for a while now and he did actually have a thing for me in high school” Doyoung cocked his head at your words and leaned in, “and you liked him back or you’re seeing something in him now that you didn’t see before ?”

“U-uhm I think he’s hot” you chewed on your lip and Doyoung chuckled softly, “you know not everything is about looks or…hooking up, do you enjoy his time ? His interests ? His company ?”

You turned back to where Jeno was still playing his video games and you did feel a little confused as to what you guys actually did have in common. “I mean…” you began, crossing your arms across your chest, “we’ve only been seeing each other romantically for two weeks I think it’s too soon to tell.”

Doyoung combed back his hair and instead of bringing forth his insight in order to make you see things clearer he just nodded.

“You’re probably right, well I wish you guys all the best, it’s better than being with someone who doesn’t care emotionally right ?”

You slowly nodded and with that Doyoung began taking the food to the dining area leaving you with more confusing thoughts than you had before.

Lunch and the rest of the evening went on smoothly. Yuta stayed out of your way and there was absolutely no sign that the two of you we’re together that day. It was easier to fake seeing Yuta since the group knew the two of you would’ve been bickering straight after hooking up. It was the perfect illusion.

“Mark Lee’s party is at 9pm tomorrow night you guys, don’t forget” Taeyong looked around the room until he heard a confirmation from every single mouth.

“9pm ? Shit would it be okay if I only stuck around for an hour ?” Jeno sighed and looked over at Taeyong, “my brothers in town and I promised I'd get him from the airport at 10:30.”

“Well you’d have to show one of the guys here how to turn the installation on” Doyoung’s worried look matched Taeyong.

“I’ll be there to turn it on I’ll just need to leave straight after” Jeno assured them and squeezed your hand under the table, “it’s all really sudden but you’ll be okay right ?”

“I’ll be fine, I’m probably going to head home after the music video airing anyway” you smiled at him and he placed a soft kiss on your forehead earning a whistle from Lucas.

Yuta awkwardly shuffled at the sudden PDA and he hoped no one at the table noticed but it caught the attention of none other than Johnny Suh who narrowed his eyes at his coffee run mate.

The evening had wrapped up and everyone had already headed home except for Yuta and Johnny who were adamant on finishing a photography project for a band they were working with.

“Trouble in paradise ?” Johnny hummed as he edited an image on his laptop. Yuta, who was busy sorting out the Polaroids, turned to face his large best friend with a lost expression.

“Huh?” He raised a brow to which Johnny shook his head still staring at his screen.

“I can’t believe this, after all these fucking hellish months now you realize you like her?”

Yuta leaned in on the desk. “What the heck are you on about Johnny ?”

“Y/n” Johnny sighed and your name made Yuta’s heart race a bit, hoping Johnny hadn’t found out about the shower incident. God you’d hate him forever if anyone found out.

“Listen Johnny we-“

“You like her! After all those months of fighting I knew you were secretly in love and now” Johnny threw his hands in the air, “now that Jeno has entered the arena you have ruined your chances. Way to go buddy.”

“Wait what ?! I’m not in love with y/n!” Yuta scoffed. Saying that sentence out loud felt like a lie even though he couldn’t fully convince himself.  Was he in love ? Was Johnny mistaking love for just lust ?

That’s all it was and ever was right ?

You enjoyed fucking around with him and he was okay with it. That’s what he wanted too. Even if you didn’t answer his question of whether you liked him or not, it was okay. Whatever you wanted was okay as long he got to be with you.

“I’m not in love with y/n.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Jeno arrived at the party with Yangyang and Sungchan all helping carry equipment for Jeno’s installation. The piece was a pixel art board that formed Mark Lee’s latest EP cover, and once plugged in it gave it an animated effect, basically bringing the EP cover to life. You marvelled at the hard work Jeno had put in, it was just a shame that he wasn't sticking around to receive praise from everyone who attended.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay here ? I know how much you hate these parties” Jeno pressed his lips together as he brought you into a tight hug. You hummed and looked up at him smiling, “Only been dragged to one of these parties a million times, another round won't hurt.” Jeno responded by pressing his lips to your forehead before joining Sungchan in setting up the installation. You always wondered why Jeno opted for your forehead instead of your lips most of the time despite already having your first real kiss. You understood he wasn't big on PDA, but the only time you ever got to kiss him was at your apartment door when a date had ended or when you sneaked in a kiss at the cinema. As much as you liked his chivalry, God at times you just wished he took initiative and bent you over your kitchen counter and had his way with you. It was kinda humorous how Jeno was the ideal type of any women out there but for you, you needed an unhinged, sex-crazed maniac to match your energy.

You needed Yu-

“It looks really good Jeno.” Your breathing hitched when you heard Yuta’s voice from behind you. You turned around but to your surprise he wasn't alone. Yuta was accompanied by a familiar face, Mei, a part-time designer from a few floors down. The way she held onto his arm made something stir inside of you. Your cheeks burned up and you dare say it for the first time you felt...jealous.

You were used to seeing Yuta with many different girls but it was always some nobody that he never bothered to introduce to the group. He always made sure none of them integrated with his work life but Mei, Mei was the first person you actually knew.

“y/n its been a while, Oh my God you look great” she said sweetly and you returned a friendly smile despite your awkwardness. Yuta gave you a quick glance not really paying you any mind as he kept a steady hand on Mei’s lower back, the two of them practically looking like a couple. It made you feel uneasy. After all he had said to you that afternoon in the shower, It seemed like he didn't mean it.

“It’s perfect Jeno you really outdid yourself” Taeyong applauded as the rest of the team finally arrived, all congratulating Jeno on his first big project under Blank Space. Jeno shyly thanked everyone and checked his watch, sighing that it was already time for him to depart.

“You're going now ?” You walked over to wrap your arms around his waist. You didn't care much before about Jeno leaving early, before Yuta decided to bring a date to the party which meant you would definitely be on your own. Jeno pouted and stroked your head, “yeah, we're still on for Sunday though right ?” and you replied with a nod before sinking into one of his very warm hugs. You had no idea why, but the need to ease your jealousy and get back at Yuta was so strong that you ended up pulling out of the hug and kissed Jeno in front of everyone. Thankfully Jeno didn't shy away and maybe the guilt of leaving you made him return the kiss, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you against your body.

“Get a room you guys” Ten joked when the two of you finally pulled away, and Jeno chuckled shyly before leaning into your ear, “let’s do that more often” he cheekily smiled and pecked your lips once more before making his way to the exit. Johnny watched as Yuta still looked visibly uncomfortable, more so now than before. But Johnny also knew how damn stubborn Yuta was and watched him throw his arm around Mei, departing from the group most likely for the rest of the night.

It was late into the night and Yuta was already way too many shots down to call himself sober. Mei was talking but he was not listening. Mei was a nice girl who had made it known to him that she liked him for a while now, but unfortunately for her she was not you. All Yuta wanted was you and again he cursed himself for being so fucking hooked. He wanted to make you jealous but after he saw you kiss Jeno it just came back to him ten thousand times harder. He came to terms with his addiction now in his drunken state he was scanning the crowd for a glimpse of the only person he cared about.

You.

“Hey I'm going to leave now...do you want to come with ?” Mei nervously bit down on her lip hoping the man she's been pining for months will finally take notice of her.

“Nah im good, I’m probably going to wait until my friends leave” Yuta replied coldly, his eyes still scanning the crowd as he took another sip from his jack daniels and coca-cola concoction. Mei nodded, disappointed that her night had not gone as planned and left silently, leaving her date to finally gain his freedom.

Yuta scanned the crowd for the tenth time until he did a double take at a figure in the back corner, dancing on their own with no care in the world. Downing the rest of his drink Yuta kept his eyes focused on you despite the alcohol blurring his vision and his body feeling heavy, he had to get to you.

You were in the same state as him, most likely worse since Lucas challenged you to a drink off. You had no clue when you separated from the rest of the group so you stuck a little corner hoping to sober up before heading home. As you swayed along to the music you felt someone wrap their hands around your waist and the familiar scent of that Tom Ford perfume made you realize who it was.

“Yuta…” you groaned, pulling his hands away from your body, still remembering how awful he made you feel a few hours earlier. God were you the rebound chick now ? The thought alone was sickening.

Yuta, still blissfully unaware that you were mad at him, still pushed his body against yours until your back was pressed against the wall and you had no choice but to look up at him. You watched him move his face down in order to capture your lips, but you quickly evaded it with a turn of your head. Yuta scoffed and sufficed for your neck, giving you soft wet kisses all the way down to your collarbones until you pushed him off yet again.

“What the fuck ?” He growled in your ear, “I thought we had a deal.” You rolled your eyes at him, there was the side of Yuta you hated the most. You wondered how long it would be until he factory reseted back to an asshole.

“I thought I was first choice” you snapped at him, “all your talk about no one can satisfy you like I can, use me y/n, I only want you” you mimicked his voice and flipped him off with your finger. Yuta knew you were jealous but it was kind of ironic given the situation. You were the one in a relationship, not him. “Oh so I'm supposed to see you suck face with Jeno but I can't have any fun y/n ?” Yuta had you back against the wall, this time his hand was locked on your jaw with his lips against your ear.

“Maybe I should've fucked Mei” Yuta’s voice was dark, you felt him smirk against your ear when his words clearly affected you, “Maybe if I fucked her she would've been so good that i would forget all about you y/n.” Your eyes darted to him and he cocked his head, challenging you, waiting to see how much you could take before you caved. Normally you’d be the one getting Yuta riled up like this. It was common knowledge that Yuta was a very jealous person and just mentioning another man sexually he would lose his mind. Once you were craving his attention and casually mentioned to him that if Doyoung was interested you’d let him screw you on his office desk, and Yuta responded by fucking you senseless in the supply closet until the only name that escaped your lips was his.

But now the tables were turned and you didn't want to hear about Mei. You didn't want to picture her next to Yuta let alone in bed with him. It was selfish on your part considering Jeno, but you wanted Yuta all to yourself.

“Shut up” you narrowed your eyes at him and grabbed a fist full of his shirt and brought him closer. Yuta traced his thumb over your lips and smiled, already knowing he won this round.

“Tell me why I cant fuck her right now y/n, tell me” he coaxed, and you responded by pulling him into a sensual kiss, your tongue slipping into his mouth and your hand palming his member until you heard him groan in your ear,

You pulled away from the kiss and pressed your swollen lips to his ear, “Because...you're mine.” Yuta licked his own lips at your words and grabbed at your ass,

“Show me I'm yours, baby.”

You had no idea when and how the both of you got to Yuta’s apartment in one piece but the moment he had his foot in the door, Yuta was tugging your dress over your head. “Fuck why do you always wear the most  complicated things” Yuta whined which you found cute even though you would never let him know that you were well aware of his adorable side. Sighing from victory, Yuta finally got your dress off and pulled you into his familiar bedroom, which you honestly missed so fucking much.

Taking in the familiar scent of his perfume and his slightly messy room, with posters on the walls, and a rack of band shirts - it was his little heaven and you loved it.

You walked over to lie on his bed, sinking into the soft fabric of the bed sheets as a familiar rock song began playing from Yuta’s stereo. You watched him as he discarded his shirt and ripped jeans, showing off his chest tattoos and belly ring, just the sight of him was already making you wet. Yuta was none the better, groaning as his boner pushed against the fabric of his underwear as his eyes took in your body, sexily laid out for him like you used to be.

“Fuck…” his lips parted as he watched you spread your legs, waiting for him obediently. Yuta crawled up onto the bed and nestled in between your thighs, his mischievous eyes looking up at yours before he began peeling away the thin piece of fabric revealing your core.

“You're…so…wet baby” he said in a low voice and leaned in to give your heat a soft kiss. The instant contact made your body shiver, reaching down to play with his dark curls. “Yuta…please” you whined as he continued his light kisses, not giving you the pressure you desired. Yuta looked up with an innocent face and cocked his head, “Why should I do it ?” His fingers traced circles on your hips and abdomen, waiting for an answer.

“Because…you’re mine Yuta, I want you…all to myself…I want to please me, only me” you threw your head back. Not having sex for over a month was really getting to you and the frustration had you saying just about anything. Yuta watched you squirm and after hearing those words he figured it was a good enough reward for his dear fuck-buddy. Yuta kissed your core once more but this time his tongue darted out every once in a while, awarding you with a better sensation. You moaned inaudible words as he began eating you out like a pro, lapping away like his life depended on it before inserting two fingers inside you.

“Yuta wait I’m gonna-“ you grabbed onto his hair, feeling your orgasm come on way too early for your liking as his fingers moved rapidly and his tongue licked away at your clit. Yuta ignored your plea knowing this was only the first of many and honestly he was glad that he was still the only man giving you orgasms for the past couple of months.

Yuta pulled away, a devilish smirk spread across his face as he watched you cum all over his fingers and just as your vision was in focus you had the pleasure of seeing him lick his fingers clean as if he just had the most amazing meal ever,

“Mmmm tasty” he bit down on his lip and winked at you. God he was so damn cocky, and it didn’t take you long to recover from that orgasm to make room for another. You got to your knees and sat back, your face now level with Yuta’s clothed member.

Yuta groaned as you palmed him, his length already twitching against your touch. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but since the night you had called it off with him, his desire had subsided and he wondered if you were the sole reason for his high sex drive. You placed your lips against his belly ring, giving it a kiss before pulling down his boxers and allowing his member to spring free. Yuta cursed as your tongue swiped across the tip and you looked up at him with those large eyes, and Yuta knew exactly what you were waiting for. Positioning your mouth over his tip, you waited until Yuta grabbed a fistful of your hair and guided you down on his length, groaning loudly as you took in all of him.

Yuta’s hips began to meet your rhythm and the grip on your hair tightened, the sudden roughness made you shiver with excitement. You and Yuta always liked it rough, since it took out your anger on each other and any type of nurturing or romance would throw off the dynamic.  

Yuta threw his head back as he released, keeping you on him until you swallowed every bit. He muttered curse words as he pulled out and watched you lick your lips, swiping the corner of your mouth with your thumb and sucked it off.

“Yum” you mimicked his words from earlier with a smirk essentially driving Yuta crazy with lust. You giggled as he pushed you onto the bed and attacked you with bites and kisses, leading from your neck down to the valley of your breasts. “How long until you get hard again?” You sighed playfully but winced when Yuta’s teeth sunk into your skin, punishing you for your words.

“Cocky aren’t we ?” He moved back up to your lips and kissed you passionately. Just as you began melting into the kiss, Yuta pulled away and jumped off his bed heading to his closet.

“What are you doing ?” You groaned as you watched him sift through the mess of his closet until he finally retrieved a familiar box. “Yuta you’re literally hard right now, come on let’s just fuck already” you whined, knowing that when Yuta brought out that box it was his way of getting rid of your bratty attitude.

“If you wanna be impatient two can play at that game” he grinned and hopped onto the bed, pulling out his favorite pair of hair cuffs and with ease, cuffed you to his headboard. You watched him look through his box of toys, rubbing your thighs together excited about what his choice will be.

Yuta grabbed something out of the box and discarded the rest onto the floor, making his way back up to your body and pressed his lips against your ear, “you remember the safe word baby ?” Yuta pecked you when you nodded and you watched him insert a mini vibrator in your core and roll off the bed with the remote in his hand.

“I wasn’t even that mean to you” you grumbled, still getting used to the device inserted in you. Yuta shrugged and turned the device on, keeping it on a low setting as he watched you stir in his bed.

“I’m not punishing you for that actually, I’m punishing you for something else you did” he said calmly, pacing around the room butt ass naked.  You frowned and thought back to the party when he had found you, what did you say to him ?

“I’m sorry I pushed you…away” you pouted but a moan escaped your lips when you felt the setting turn higher and you watched Yuta shake his head, “nope that’s not it.” You groaned and threw your head back, unable to even think what the hell he could be on about. Yuta would get mad at every little thing so it honestly could’ve been anything.

“Can’t I have a hint or something ?” You pleaded and Yuta raised his eyebrow and eventually sighed, giving in too easily. “It happened in the beginning at the party” he said annoyingly, and finally something in your brain clicked.

“The kiss ? You’re mad over the kiss ?” Your words fell off when you felt the vibrator go another setting higher, the new speed was decent enough to start building a second orgasm. “You don’t sound like you’re apologizing for it” Yuta scoffed and dangled the remote in front of your face, “this goes up 4 more speeds y/n.”

“Why do I need to apologize for kissing my boyfriend when-“

Another setting higher.

“Fuck wait Yuta” you breathed, it was impossible to even keep focused at the new speed and the sensation was now running throughout your entire body. “You kissed him in front of me to make me jealous didn't you?” Yuta questioned and you nodded frantically, pressing your thighs together to ease the intensity, “yes yes oh my God, I wanted to make you….jealous because you brought someone else…and..fuck” just as you felt your body finally build up a perfect orgasm the vibrator suddenly turned off and you were met with Yuta’s cocky smile.

“You like to have it all don’t you y/n” he hummed as flung the remote aside and knelt between your thighs that were shaking from the orgasm denial. “You want to fuck me, but not let me fuck anyone else, you want Jeno but you don’t want me to get mad over it” he continued as he pulled the dripping wet toy out of your core and tossed it to the floor. Yuta placed his hands on either side of you and looked down at your defeated face and smiled, “Do you want me to fuck someone else?”

You shook your head and Yuta undid one of the handcuffs. He pressed a soft kiss to your cheek and again asked you another question, “Do you want to fuck me ?” and you quickly nodded, earning your second hand free from the cuffs allowing them to fall to your sides. Yuta placed his hand around your throat and squeezed gently, smirking as you arched your back, thirsting for him so desperately.

“Who would fuck you better, me or Jeno ?” Yuta mused as his hand released a bit of pressure on your throat. “Y-you” your voice was small and Yuta released your throat and his hand moved down to smack your thigh.

“Say it, say who will fuck you better” he hissed.

“You Yuta, you will fuck me better than anyone…better than Jeno” Yuta grinned at your words, a little surprised that you used Jeno’s name in such a blasphemous way. He was in euphoria at this point. It was all he needed to hear after continuously seeing you and Jeno look as if you were in love with each other.

It was all wrong.

You and him loved each other.

Fuck. He loved you. He really did.

Yuta pushed his length into your core and groaned as the realization of his thoughts and his conversation with Johnny all hit him at once. The sight of you beneath him, moaning his name and your confession that you wanted him over Jeno. It was all too much.

You moaned as he thrusted into you, his hips violently hitting against yours as your nails dug into his lower back. The lewd sounds filled the room and for a second the two of you looked into each other’s eyes, both feeling something…different. Usually Yuta would be fucking you from behind, his favourite position because he loved looking at your ass but tonight especially after his sudden questioning, he took care of you differently.

You don’t know what came over you and it was yet another thing you never did during sex but you pulled him down to kiss you. Your lips moved passionately against his, desperately clinging to his body as his strokes became longer and more powerful. Yuta sighed into the kiss, palming your cheek and his movements suddenly became more gentle as if he were making love to you, not fucking you.

“Yuta…I’m close” you moaned into his ear, loving this new feeling of him on your body. Yuta hummed in response and quickened his pace, making sure to sneak in a kiss every now and then until he finally brought you to your long awaited orgasm. You watched him bite down on his lip as he thrusted into you, chasing his own orgasm until he pressed his against your ear and said the words you never thought you’d hear from him.

“I love you y/n”

Your body slightly froze as Yuta finally came and he rolled off your body, mentally cursing himself for allowing those words to escape his mouth at this moment. But it’s what he felt.

Johnny was right.

“W-what ?” You finally managed to say and turned to him. Yuta licked his lips and kept his focus on the ceiling above him.

“You heard me right” he said calmly and you felt your heart race. Where was this coming from ? He was the one who always implemented the no romance rule and he chooses now, the moment you’re seeing someone else to confess to you.

“I have to go” you murmured and jumped off the bed, starting to collect your clothes from the floor. You heard the bed creak and Yuta sat up and watched you dress up. “It’s late now y/n and you drank, stay the night and leave when the suns up” he insisted, eventually grabbing his own boxers,

“Here you can sleep in one of my shirts and you’re welcome to sleep in my bed for the night.”

“Y-you…that was one of the rules…no staying over” you were biting on your nails, everything that had happened in the last ten minutes made no sense. Yuta shoved the shirt into your hands and sighed, “Look, we don’t have to talk about what I said or what happened, just stay the night and you can go back to your perfect life with Jeno.” Yuta began making his way to his door when you grabbed onto his arm making him stop in his tracks,

“Where are you going ?” You asked him softly.

Yuta looked at you and sighed, “I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“Yuta..”

“What ?”

“Stay with me.”

—-—————————————————————

You had no idea why you had told him to stay in bed with you considering all that had happened a few minutes ago. But here you were, curled into his chest listening to his heartbeat as he lightly stroked your hair.

“How…long ?” You broke the silence and felt his heartbeat slightly race, “The realization came recently but I’ve…always liked you y/n” Yuta responded softly.

“Well you don’t have a good way of showing it” you rolled your eyes and Yuta’s soft laughter filled the room. “Well at first you actually were annoying but I did find you cute” He replied and shifted until you were on your back looking up at him,

“You put up with me and we’re not afraid to fight back. You know it’s not even about the sex, I think we’ve always enjoyed each other’s company, we just have a weird way of showing it.” You listened to his words and did a bit of reflection for yourself. You were already well aware that he occupied your mind 24/7 and did not enjoy seeing him around other girls he would eventually sleep with. But was this…love ? You weren't so sure.

“Do you ever think it’s more of an addiction rather than…love ?” You looked up at him, hoping your words did not offend his sudden confession in any way. Yuta sighed and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling deep in thought.

“What is love then ?” He murmured, clearly by the look on his face he had been pondering on this question for a while now. You joined him in laying on your back and looked up at the ceiling, “love is when the other person completes you” you began, “when you’re having a dull day and just the sight of them could turn that around. Love is wanting to protect that person all the time, it’s just love.”

Yuta turned to you, “have you ever been in love ?”

You shook your head. “I don’t think so.”  Yuta shrugged and returned his focus above him, “whatever you just described is how I feel, but maybe I’m just still hung up on the Jeno situation.” You felt a pang in your chest as if you just completely destroyed his spirit. You always saw Yuta as a strong confident presence, yet the person next to you seemed lost, he looked broken. But deep down you knew that whatever he was describing had floated in your head from time to time, maybe it needed to be said out loud for you to finally realize.

“Give me a week”

“Huh ?” Yuta’s eyebrows raised at you.

“Give me a week to figure all of this out and we will have this talk again” you sat up and looked back at him. Yuta propped himself up on his elbows and shook his head, “y/n, if you don’t feel the same way it’s okay I won’t come in between you and…Jeno anymore.”

“Yuta”

“Hmm?”

You pulled the boy by his shirt until you were able to lock your lips with his, slipping your tongue into his mouth and he mimicked your actions before pulling away, a confused expression spreading across his face.

“I don’t know where this is going to go and whether we’re right for each other,” you chuckled dryly, “but I will always want you Yuta, you’re not coming between Jeno and I because the one who wants… .”

————————————————————————

It was finally Monday and you already regretted seeing Jeno at the office since you faked a terrible hangover to get out of the Sunday date, something that wasn’t entirely a lie. You spent the whole of Sunday laying in your bed thinking about the night you spent with Yuta and all that was shared during the morning.

You thought back on your own words about what your version of love was. Protecting someone. You reminisced about the days when Yuta got sick after a night out and you were the one to take care of him despite his protests. You thought back to when the two of you were working on a project, arguing as usual and you managed to slip on a wet paint spot, causing you to sprain your ankle. Yuta was the one to help you around the office when needed, he wasn’t appointed to you nor did he have to use up his own time to help you but he did it anyway.

When you were having a dull day the person you loved would find a way to brighten it up, just the sight of them was enough. There was an occasion where a client got real mean with you in the office, and hated the project you worked almost a month on, refusing to pay you for the labor you had put in. Yuta had seen the commotion and joined you in your booth and the two of you flooded the clients company with hilarious bad reviews anonymously until you were literally tearing up from laughter. That was one of the rare days the two of you didn’t get into an argument and the moment completely slipped your mind. You had  forgotten that Yuta and you actually shared fond memories of each other outside the bedroom.

You thought about every moment you got to the office and Yuta would be sticking his tongue out at you, calling you names and being a jerk as usual. But days when he had to work out of the office felt boring, empty, it wasn’t worth sitting in your cubicle without seeing him across from you.

But then after feeling the warm fuzziness of knowing Yuta felt the same way about you, your phone buzzed with Jeno’s name across the screen. Why were you doing this to him ? Why was Jeno in the crossfire when all he wanted to do was get to know you better ?

All you ever wanted was a distraction from the man you were scared to fall in love with.

“Heyyy you, you feeling okay ?” Jeno beamed when you entered the office, immediately bringing you into a tight hug and ending with a kiss on the cheek. You nodded and the sense of guilt over took your body as you looked up at his cheery smile.

“I heard you guys got so wasted at the party, damn I wish I stayed” Jeno giggled as the two of you walked hand in hand over to your cubicle. “Yeah it was…crazy” you faked a smile before settling in your seat. You looked across, a force of habit and you were greeted by a soft smile from Yuta before quietly returning to his work.

“I was thinking we should go see that new marvel movie tonight, what do you think ?” Jeno’s eyes were so bright and full of energy that everytime you looked into them it just made it harder to keep up your facade. “I’m pretty busy this week but hey Friday you can come over, I…need to talk to you anyway” you bit down on your lip and Jeno’s expression changed from excited to slightly wary, clearly noticing that something wasn’t quite right.

“Is….everything okay?” He asked in a staggered voice, and you slowly nodded and reached to squeeze his hand, “yeah let’s hang out on Friday okay ?” You smiled and Jeno pressed his lips together and nodded. You watched him exit your cubicle and all that was left in your view was the only person you wanted to see today, Yuta.

Yuta looked up and caught your stare, smiling softly as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and winked at you. It was sweet and innocent, nothing like how he usually acted from across the room. You found yourself blushing and hid your face until you heard a beep come from your phone. Opening the messenger app you were greeted by a picture of yourself hiding your crimson cheeks with the message ‘Cute’ attached to it.

y/n: didn’t take you for a simp.

yutaa: fuck off, I have a folder like this.

You stifled your laughter when Yuta sent a screenshot with a folder just of you in your cubicle. From you flipping him off, to you glaring at him clearly pissed off at something he had said, and one of you trying your best to pay attention to whatever story Yangyang was on about.

y/n: oh my god you’re a BIG SIMP.

yutaa: maybe.

y/n: well I do have ONE of you that I don’t have the heart to delete.

yutaa: oh really ?

You sent Yuta a picture you absolutely treasured of him in your bed fast asleep hugging one of your plushies. It was one of the last nights you had with him before things got sour. Normally you’d never allow him to nap in your bed after a hookup but he looked so at peace and so adorable  that you decided to bend the rules a little.

yutaa: that was a good ass nap. yutaa: simp.

y/n: maybe.

The rest of the day went on and honestly you felt as if you were on cloud nine, chatting to Yuta like he was your high school crush. Smiling every time he texted back and glancing up every now and then, waiting for him to look at you with that cheeky grin. But as reality set in and Yuta’s smile faded, you were still dating another man. Who now had his arms wrapped around your waist peppering kisses all over your neck and shoulder while Yuta looked on, not being able to do a thing about it.

————————————————————————

The team decided to head out for dinner the next day, and something in Jeno had switched. After Yuta had watched him cuddle you until the day was over, you barely even got the chance to talk to Yuta face to face since Jeno offered to take you home. He was being suspiciously clingy and you wondered if he suspected anything.

“You’re okay with sharing a pasta and plate of fries ?” Jeno smiled over at you, one hand rubbing your waist and the other holding up the wooden menu. You nodded and Jeno placed his order in with Johnny who was doing the rounds for everyone. Yuta sat across from you and you could feel his stare on you from time to time, and the moments it felt like he was staring, Jeno’s grip on your waist got tighter.

“Is...is something wrong ?” you leaned into Jeno as he took a sip of his water. Even though he was smiling, his jaw was clenched signaling that he was trying to suppress himself from doing or saying something. “I'm just really tired” he rubbed your back and to your surprise leaned in to capture your lips. It was innocent but your lack of effort to mind his feelings wasn't good enough for Yuta. Frankly he had no idea where you two stood at the moment, for all he knew you could be playing him right now. It probably wasn't the case though, but Yuta was not really used to his life getting a happy ending. The night drove on and the group split with you, Ten, Doyoung, Taeyong and Renjun seated at the table while the rest of the guys were hanging around the bar babysitting their drinks. Jeno was really a changed man since high school. He was so confident, well-built and a good socialite with the team. You watched him lean against the bar counter, drink in hand entertaining whatever story Lucas had for the night.

“So you and y/n huh ? Have you scored yet ?” Lucas raised his brow cheekily to which Jeno chuckled and shook his head, “Really Lucas ? were talking about my sex life now ?” Yuta was in conversation with Johnny and Sungchan but he couldn't help but overhear your name in the chat next to him.

“Yeah man, I'm sure she’s good too after locking down my boy Yuta” Lucas smirked and Yuta flinched when the boisterous man grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled him into the conversation. “Even though they hate each other I just know they had the best hook ups” Lucas laughed despite Johnny trying to make him shut up.

“Well that’s all over now” Jeno’s eyes narrowed on Yuta before looking up at Lucas, “she invited me over tonight and considering the type of pictures she sent me, i'm guessing it’s going to be one hell of a night.” Yuta’s chest felt tight not only at the possibility that you may have invited him over to finally sleep with him but mainly because of the way Jeno spoke about you. He probably only shared that information to appease Lucas but hinting at you sending him nudes was not something you would like the guys to know about.

“She’s really been trying to speed up the process between us too it's cute actually” Jeno continued as Yangyang and Lucas egged him on, “that night after that painting you guys did for Mark Lee she was practically begging me to fuck her after our movie date. God if my brother didn't give me all those errands I would've done so right on the kitchen counter.”

Yuta shot back the rest of his drink and stormed off as Lucas and Yangyang hyped up Jeno, pouring him another shot and laughing erratically in their drunken state. From where you were seated you saw Yuta storm off and watched Johnny run after him worriedly, making you slightly anxious.

“Yuta don't listen to them man '' Johnny huffed as he finally caught up to his friend a few blocks down from the restaurant. “I dont fucking care man I really dont” Yuta chuckled dryly and ran his fingers through his hair, “It doesnt matter because at the end of the day im still the worthless piece of shit and guys like him are God fucking sent.” Johnny watched Yuta’s expression change and he turned around to find you standing there, desperately looking between them for context.

“Yuta what happened ?” you asked in a small voice and the familiar sting in his chest returned, hearing you call out his name, following him out here while Jeno was still inside, it was all just confusing to him.

“I thought you giving us a week meant you felt the same way and I could finally relax knowing you were going to be with me y/n” Yuta groaned in frustration while Johnny took a step away from the heated exchange. You shook your head as you approached him, “yes I did, so what's the problem ?” Yuta scoffed and folded his arms. “What's the problem ? doesn't look like anything’s changed y/n. I have to see you act like the couple of the year after telling you how I felt about you ? That's brilliant.”

“I told you I would speak to him this week” you snapped, unbothered by the now random onlookers who were concerned at the scene taking place. “But fine honestly Yuta if you really want me to say it you have my permission to fuck some random girl until im finally free.” You rolled your eyes about to turn on your heels to leave when you felt a tug on your wrist and Yuta pulled you into a kiss. He held your face in his hands as he kissed you passionately, sighing as he slowly pulled away and pressed his forehead against yours,

“When I said I loved you I fucking meant it y/n, I only want you. But please, if youre going to invite him over or send him dirty...pictures atleast tell him not to tell the whole fucking world about it.”

You took a step back and frowned at his words, “What ? What pictures ?”

“The ones he told Lucas about, y/n honestly I don't care I was just mad that he was airing your business out like that” Yuta bit down on his lip and yet again you were deeply confused as to what he was on about.

“I...I didn't send him anything” you responded, “I didn't invite him over tonight and I definitely haven't sent him any...nudes.”

“Tell that to him then”

You turned around and noticed most of the team was now outside watching the commotion go down and right in front was Jeno, who by the look on his face had most likely seen the kiss you just shared with Yuta.

Jeno approached the both of you with an irritated groan and scoffed, “I was going to ignore the signs but God I was so right, you were still fucking him this entire time ?” You lowered your head and Yuta glared at Jeno, “If you knew all this time why didn't you just break up with her and move on ?”

Jeno rolled his eyes and took a step closer to Yuta to which Johnny quickly responded by placing a firm hand on Jeno’s shoulder making sure the boy was at safe distance from his best friend.

“I'm not like you Yuta” Jeno licked his lips, “unlike you I respect her, I understand that she was going back to you because you like to play around, you never cared about her until I showed up. You were threatened by the fact that you were no longer in control of her.”

“Nobody is in control of me first of all” you chimed in, “and second what’s this about me inviting you over and sending you nudes that apparently the whole fucking bar knows about”

“It's just banter y/n” Jeno shook his head.

“Banter ?” Yuta repeated, “didnt know talking about how you were going to fuck your girlfriend on the kitchen counter in front of her coworkers is banter.”

“What?” you walked up to Jeno, “W-where is this coming from Jeno ? you’re not like this.”

“Well how am I supposed to be y/n ?” Jeno raised his voice, “you wouldn't mind if he said that to you. You're always letting him get away with shit. Im the one sitting around here knowing my damn girlfriend is fucking around with someone else yet somehow still trying to forgive you and figure this out.”

“Why, though ?” you shrugged, “Is it because you want to prove to other people that you're the bigger person ?”

“Would you rather be with someone like him ? someone who will probably throw you aside after he’s bored, or someone like me who was always patient, always willing to put you first no matter what” Jeno reached for your hand, his eyes widening when you shrugged him off.

“Someone who I barely know that talks about me to my friends like im just some kind of whore or someone i've known for a while and not once shared anything intimate that happened between us,” you looked over at Yuta, “It was my one rule, the same rule I gave you Jeno and he was, Yuta is the only one who has abided to it.”

“y/n Im sorry,” Jeno lowered his voice, “we hurt each other and I want to fix that, just make your final decision...me or Yuta”

“Jeno….I apologize for using you, I'm sorry for leading and hurting your feelings” you began and Yuta slowly shook his head and turned around ready to hear the bad news that always seemed to follow him,

“But as crazy as it may sound to everyone here, I'm most like myself when I'm with Yuta, I love the person I am when I'm around him” Yuta turned at your words and instead of the sting he felt a sense of warmth. Hearing you say that in front of everyone who wanted the two of you apart, besides Johnny ofcourse, was absolute bliss.

“Who knows maybe it won't work and it will explode but I really want to try, that's the thing I'm most sure of, I really really want to try” you smiled as Yuta made his way over to you and pulled you into a tight hug.

“Let's get out of here” Yuta whispered before placing a kiss on your cheek and draping his arm over your shoulder as the two of you exited the street walking away from the mess and not even giving it a second glance.

The two of you ended up at your apartment full of smiles and giggles as you slowly discarded your clothes on the way to the bedroom. Once your back touched your soft duvet covers Yuta pressed his body against yours and peppered your skin with kisses all the way up to your ear. “I want to try something different” he whispered and you nodded in response while Yuta pulled his shirt over his head and discarded his jeans. Yuta pulled you on top of his body and returned to your lips, kissing you slowly and passionately. His touches were so delicate and nurturing that every time his fingers ran down your back you felt butterflies in your stomach. You unhooked your bra shimmied out of it, still attached to the addictive taste of Yuta’s lips. He slowly rolled you onto your back and left soft kisses all the way down your neck, down the valley of your breasts until he reached your abdomen. You watched as he pulled your underwear off, looking at your body like it was the most beautiful thing he had seen. That was it. Instead of lust he looked at you with love. He looked like he wanted to take care of you, be gentle with you, savour every moment he had with you. Your breathing hitched when you quickly realized that he inserted himself inside of you and used one arm to steady himself on the bed as he lent down to meet your lips. His strokes were slow but sharp, digging his nails into your thigh from time to time, preventing himself from losing control. Wanting to feel more of him you signaled that you wanted to switch positions and Yuta licked his lips as he watched you place your knees on either side of him and sit down on his member. “F-fuck” he cursed as you began to ride him, keeping to his wishes of keeping things calm and slow. Yuta wrapped his arms tightly around your waist as the two of you kissed in between your moans, twirling your tongue with his as your hips slammed into his.

“Y-Yuta…” you moaned, feeling a tear escape your eye as the long night and the building orgasm caught up with you.

“Yes baby ?” he hummed in your ear.

“I really fucking love you” you sighed, just the words finally leaving your mouth made you sob with joy. It felt so fucking good to finally say it out loud.

Yuta responded by flipping you onto your back and chased both his and your orgasm, fucking you with his usual intensity until you came and he followed straight after, filling the room with heavy pants and both of you trying to catch your breath.

“I love you too y/n” He finally said, bringing you to his chest and pressed his lips against your forehead.

The two of you lay in your bed both napping for a bit until the first sight of dawn began filling the bedroom. You winced at the sun and hid your face in Yuta’s arms as he grinned at your actions.

“I don't want to go to work!” you grumbled.

“Fuck go to work after all the drama you caused ?” Yuta pinched your cheek playfully, earning a nudge in his side from you.

“Anyway” Yuta continued, “I got an email from Taeyong and he said if we want we can work remotely, he gave us the Okinawa project.” You sat up in bed and turned to face him, “the Okinawa project ? Its 9 months in Japan, the same project the whole damn building was trying to get” you blinked, still unsure if Yuta was just fucking with you.

“That's the one” Yuta shrugged, “anyways he said he was going to send either of us anyway since he knows we always get the job done. Oh and he actually said something really funny actually”

“What ?” you raised your brow and watched Yuta reread the text message on his phone.

“He said Doyoung was the one who suggested the two of us be the ones to go, who would've thought ?” Yuta closed the messages and tucked himself back into bed.

“Yeah” you smiled, “Who would've thought.”

THE END

[flickeringart]

Neptune aspecting Mercury and Venus

(Continuation of my post “Neptune aspecting the Sun and Moon”)

Mercury aspecting Neptune

Mercury is representative of deductive reasoning, of communication and learning, of exchange of information and social interaction. Mercury is essentially representative of the mental faculties, the ability to draw conclusions based on the gathering of information. Mercury represents the intellect, the most commonly applied tool for understanding and navigating the world around the self. It’s the tool that makes connections, that defines and discriminates. The intellect is a divisive mechanism that breaks things down and distinguishes every little part to discover its function and purpose within the whole.

Mercury aspecting Neptune often lends itself to a very creative mind and an ability to articulate and communicate nuances. It also seems to lend itself to a vivid imagination – an ability to paint a picture with words or portray an archetypal energy through mimicry and acting. The conjunction is the most intense of the aspects and the benefits as well as the debilitations are felt more acutely. While Mercury-Neptune has the ability to “enchant” with words and easily navigate the world of imagery and fairytales, the real world void of magic can be less easy to navigate. Taylor Swift has the conjunction and she’s a great example of someone who is a storyteller through songwriting. She essentially takes the interactions of her everyday life and turns it into magic – something that is universal and appeals to people world wide. Music has the ability to glamorize the most dull and ordinary and elevate it to new heights. There’s a might to music and it speaks to people on the feeling level. Music, movies and theater for that matter have the goal to affect people, to mirror their inner life and strike a note on some level of the psyche. Mercury-Neptune comes with the risk of being easily affected by words and a tendency to read into things more than necessary. Sometimes the meaning of another person’s words can be distorted and made to fit the person’s own preferred narrative. This is a huge problem, especially for the conjunction - sometimes words that actually carry weight can be made out to mean anything. Furthermore, in overlooking the concrete – that which is spelled out loud and clear, there door is wide open to make mistakes and blunders when tending to details, and in real life this can have dire consequences. Reading too much into things or not reading enough into things seems to be the problem. Neptune refines whatever planet it touches and this can make for a real ability to work with subtleties, but the more subtle something is, the less dense and concrete it is. The more sensitive the instrument, the more susceptible it is to suggestion and manipulation. Fantasy and imagination is inextricably merged with the intellect with this aspect.

The trine and the sextile aspects from Neptune to Mercury similarly lends themselves to a feeling for subtlety when communicating and thinking. The trine is more of a natural modus operandi while the sextile is more of a skill that can be used and activated through conscious cooperation. Mercury-Neptune can potentially cause a propensity for lying, not because of a need for a control but because of a natural tendency to distort information. This is as true for the conjunction as the trine, while the sextile might take some deliberation. The tendency to convey information in the most romanticized and creative fashion might border on lying because it leaves people with no grasp of the cold and hard facts. Mercury-Neptune is not good with the plain, cut and dry message transferring – these people thinks in images and imbue everything they convey with a touch of story-telling.

The square from Neptune to Mercury, seems to make the native very serious in creative pursuits. There’s effort and strain that is required because of conflict felt between the intellect and the vault of dreams and fantasy. Usually, the native displays criticism of their work and is skeptically inclined toward their own influence or the value of their own artistic pursuits. Amy Winehouse had the square in her chart and she was quite hard on herself although the public loved her. Even in people who aren’t pursuing an artistic path, the Mercury –Neptune square will cause the person to undervalue any talents and dreams that they have, yet be pressed to develop and fulfill them. David Bowie is also a great example of this type of person – on the one hand there’s nebulousness and chaotic creativity, on the one hand there’s analyzing and mental discernment that is unforgiving. Donald Trump also has the square, quite the business man, yet he’s not someone who is able to stick to the purely factual– he manufactures his own story, his own narrative that people, to a large extent, wants to buy. He speaks to the masses and moves them emotionally, some say he’s profoundly stupid, some says his wits are underestimated. This is typical of the square, there’s tension between the two planets and one cannot take credit for both ends. Either one sacrifices Mercury and looks mad and deranged, or one sacrifices Neptune and appears overly critical and rational – even cold and unfeeling.

The opposition aspect is in turn linked to extremism – the native must try to balance intellectual discernment with emotional receptivity. Too much of one thing will be to the detriment of the other. While the square produces conflict and tension, the opposition can give the ability to abandon one planet in favor of the other. Yoko Ono has this aspect and she has obviously been a big advocate of peace and love (Neptune), sometimes to the detriment of rhyme and reason. She has suggested that “direct communication” is the only way to true communication, but of course, this is only possible in the womb, if even then. The great gift of the opposition is the ability to abandon reason, to experience everything and hold onto nothing, to not label and impose judgment. However, it’s not difficult to see the consequences for this sacrifice.

(Buy products with my art)

Venus aspecting Neptune

Venus is representative of love and beauty, of femininity and sociability. The planet is linked to that which is of value, worthy of display and admiration. It also has something to do with preferences, style and talent. Venus is the one attracting Mars, that instigates desire, that draws him in. That which instigates our desire is powerful because it dictates action. Venus has a lot to do with money because it’s a marker and a measure of value – and people want to have as much as possible of it in order to be comfortable and socially desirable. Venus also has to do with partnership and marriage, and in order to catch someone’s eye, one has to be beautiful and appealing.

Neptune conjunct Venus is truly the height of love. While Venus is more personal and more social in nature, Neptune is the collective urge for redemption, the pull to touch something sacred. Neptune in us wants it all, the magic of enchantment that belongs to fairytales. Ordinary human love, which is more about feeling esteemed within a social context and desired for specific qualities, is not cutting it. With these planets conjunct, the person craves the total submerging with the one and only beloved in one’s heart and in other people’s hearts. Neptunian love is based on the mutual longing for something eternally blissful, the garden of Eden, the ultimate escape. This longing exist in all human beings to a larger or lesser extent, but it certainly unifies us and in some ways confirm our basic vulnerability and need for redemption. When Neptune and Venus are conjunct it would seem as if the person is very compassionate and understanding of people’s hearts. No doubt one can be very soothing and able to see the beloved one in all people one meets, which can be wonderful but also overwhelming and exhausting. The person is certainly capable of being accepting of all people, even to the point of allowing things that shouldn’t be allowed. Disillusionment can dawn brutally on these types since they have strong investment in the pure and untainted love that can only be kept alive in fantasy. These planets aspecting each other is a setup for being in love with love. Love for these types might not be about a specific person, they might seek out someone for their ability to mirror them. In other words, it would be difficult to love a person for their individuality because one would seek out someone with enough receptivity and mutability in order to find something of oneself in the other. Of course, this seems to be the nature of love despite Venus aspecting Neptune or not. We only ever fall in love with ourselves, although we’re unconscious of the fact. The only reason we’re ever drawn to someone is because we see something of ourselves in them. For people with Venus-Neptune contacts this phenomenon is taken to new heights. Liking and being fond of something yet knowing that that person or thing is different from oneself is entirely different from feeling a sense of union and yearning that is the oceanic deity calling a person home. With Neptune, the love object is the answer to all prayers and the remedy for all one’s troubles and pains. This is of course never quite true and the disappointment that follows upon the clearing of the intoxicating mist can be very scary and deeply depressing. Personal love, marriage and commitment might be idealized to the point of absurdity.

The trine and the sextile aspects are less intense compared to the conjunction, but they similarly denote a refined taste and a appreciation of artistry and music – anything that touches people’s souls inexplicably and profoundly. Typically, all Venus-Neptune aspects indicate a need to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally. Both of these harmonious aspects denote a very compassionate nature and a tendency to idealize and glamourize love. One is naturally very generous with one’s outpouring of affection, even when one’s own heart is broken. The trine indicates that the person is innately and naturally mirroring other people’s beauty. Escapism and distortion of reality is one’s way of being, it is not an acquired skill but rather something that’s a given. It’s probably easy to over-indulge in pleasure in order to escape the dreary everyday existence. In fact, when things get too hard, this is exactly what this type is likely to do. The sextile is more of a skill that is available for use. In other words, one is able to stimulate a bit of Neptune’s magic and universality in one’s style of expressing love – adding a bit of glamour, unattainability and fantasy in the mix. Conscious cooperation is required though, it’s not as if the sextile is going to cause over-indulgence as soon as one lets go of inhibitions.

The square aspect typically brings doubt and friction, when Neptune and Venus are involved, the conflict is between one’s personal value(s) and the recognition of oneness. Usually, the ugly side of Neptune comes out more readily. One wants to attain something special and magical but since one is not attuned enough or certain of one’s own preferences and values neither planet gets fulfilled or satisfied. Kim Kardashian has this square and she is never quite satisfied with her appearance (Venus), which is why she spends to much time perfecting it. She wants so badly to embody the ideal (Neptune) yet can’t seem to close the gap between her own personal look and the otherworldly refinement that Neptune represents. What ends up happening is that she becomes too artificial, some would even call her grotesque – she simply can’t find peace with imperfection – everything has to be sweet and pretty to the point that the coin flips and everything turns ugly. Although Neptune is usually associated with spirituality and the beauty of the divine, it is also associated with dissolution and disintegration – which often manifests as madness. Kim Kardashian has many times been rude or downright aggressive because of her vanity and venusian pride. Madonna also has this square and she certainly falls in the category of people who care enormously about their appearance, being attractive and young even up until old age. Venus is the goddess of youth and beauty and Neptune holds the promise of redemption through the planet(s) that it aspects. It’s easy to see how this square relationship between the planets could run amok. If youth is the gate to heaven, one would be willing to go very far in order to not let the imperfections stop heaven from becoming a reality. When it comes to love and relationships there’s inevitability of disappointment and uncertainty – one tends to look for the perfect partner yet no one can be it all in terms of fulfilling the dream because the standards are set too high. On the flip side, the standards can also be too low, because of the Neptunian tendency is to either be unrealistically idealistic or stubbornly accepting and passive in destructive situations.

The opposition aspect doesn’t typically bring out the obsession with perfect love and beauty. It makes the individual aware that love, in it’s selfish guise of wanting another person or object tied to the self in some way because of good looks and style, is antithetical to universal love. In a sense, personal love must be sacrificed for communion with the source of life, that which many people call God – or, God must be sacrificed for ordinary human seduction, value and pleasure.  These are the people who are only looking to touch the source of life through love and union, nothing more. They’re not looking to simple hedonistic pleasures or superficial adornments. If they do, they’re doing it at the detriment of true compassion and communion with all of life. George Harrison had this opposition in his chart and so had Bob Marley. Both were musicians, both used drugs and both had a deep urge for spirituality. Both emphasized the importance of the connection with God and pointed out the triviality of worldly matters. Venus, is to an extent, quite earthy and materialistic. She cares about being nice, looking nice and behaving in a way that causes others to admire her. It seems like Harrison lost his first marriage because of incessant drug use and infidelities. Neptune is boundless and is everywhere and anywhere – there was no way Venus, ruling marriage and social contracts, could conquer the pull of the promise of ecstatic union. With the opposition, either special partnership/marriage or God is the pursuit, neither can exists in conjunction with the other.  

[alotofteez]

Sphallolalia | Part 4

Series: ⇢ Pairing: San x fem!Reader ⇢ Genre: flirty af fluff, hints of angst, suggestive, kinda smutty, older reader (noona) ⇢ Synopsis: As your best friend’s maid of honor, you must endure the shameless best man’s flirting until after the wedding. It's just sphallolalia... right?

Part 4: Across the Room ⇢ Genre: fluff, angst, & suggestive ⇢ Warnings: language ⇢ Word Count: 4,212 igotcarriedaway

Masterlist, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Taglist: @joongiebug, @simluvbot, @kimtae-bae, @justsayk​

This comes at an inopportune time. As you have gotten older, you have noticed that you are much more emotional when it happens. Your period used to be just cramps, but now it can drastically change how you act, especially around others. Venue hunting for the wedding has now become a game of “Don’t cry in front of anyone.”

Today, it’s a beautiful place outside the city, but it doesn’t feel like the right place for Mina. Neither she nor Mingi is a countryside kind of person. The scenic nature landscape for their wedding doesn’t fit who they are. You have already mentioned this before they booked an appointment to tour the venue, but Mina really wanted to see it because it looks like one of those aesthetic weddings on Pinterest. Her special day shouldn’t pander to the desires of the internet. That would take away the special part.

For you, though, it would be perfect. It’s rustic with a touch of modern. The large paned windows overlooking the woodsy fields would be breathtaking during the golden hour. The crystal chandeliers give the room a more elegant feel, and the white pews would look beautiful decorated with flowers and ribbon as a personalized touch. The only thing you can’t imagine is the person at the end of the aisle. 

With a sigh, you continue to enviously look through a portfolio of photos of previous weddings. Two of Mina’s bridesmaids, Sejeong and Yujin, have joined in on the occasion. Sejeong was a teaching assistant for one of Mina’s classes and quickly became fond of Mina, similar to your relationship with her. Sejeong is closer to your age yet is more of an adult than you, in your own opinion. She received her Masters, got a job offer before even graduating, and is currently dating a VP of a large accounting firm. Unlike you, she has her life together.

On the other hand, Yujin is the complete opposite. She is one of Mina’s younger cousins. You haven’t spent much time with her since you moved out for college, but she seems to be the same outgoing, naive, and blunt person you remember from childhood. Though no longer a kid, she still acts like one, and it kind of gets on your nerves.

“None of these weddings look like something Mina would want,” Sejeong comments as she flips through a different portfolio.

“Right? I told her to look somewhere downtown. This is too farmhouse chic,” you say in agreement, shifting more weight to your forearms propped up on the table.

Yujin chimes in, but you don’t pay attention due to your phone vibrating in your jeans. Without looking at the sender, you open the text notification.

From: San🖕 You look hot like that. 10:43 AM

You glance up from the table to find him watching you across the room, eyes undressing you. When he notices he has your attention, he blows you a subtle kiss to which you respond with a quick flash of your middle finger.

From: You Now look who’s being creepy 10:45 AM

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From: San🖕 That’s a weird way of spelling thank you. 10:45 AM

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From: You I’ll block your number. 10:46 AM

You peer up at him as he receives the message and see his eyes dart in your direction. He gives you a look of disbelief before typing out a response.

From: San🖕 No! We’ll need to talk about wedding stuff! 10:47 AM

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From: You And yet you text me that I’m hot… 10:47 AM

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From: San🖕 Fine, I take back the compliment. 10:47 AM

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From: You Good. I don’t want it. 10:48 AM

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From: San🖕 You still look hot though. 10:43 AM

After reading the message, you roll your eyes and shove your phone back into your jeans. You can hear San’s snickering nearing behind you. He dawdles up next to you and peeks at the photos.

“That’ll be us one day,” he teases, pointing at one of the pictures of a bride and groom.

“I guess we all have unrealistic dream weddings,” you respond without missing a beat, making Sejeong and Yujin laugh. You turn the page unbothered by his presence. It takes him a minute to recover before flipping that stupid switch.

“Then tell me about yours, and I’ll make sure it happens,” he muses, one of his eyebrows raising.

“Mine doesn’t involve you,” you quip and finally look up from the pictures.

He holds your gaze for a few seconds, studying your eyes with a faint grin. Being this close-up reminds you how handsome he is, and you hate it. As you open your mouth to say something, a cramp surges in your abdomen, and you wince. It doesn’t go unnoticed by San.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just feel kind of sick to my stomach,” you lie with the first thing that comes to your head.

“You know sugar can fix that.”

You give him a weird look, and he leans onto the table with his lips puckered and eyes closed. A part of you wonders how shocked he would be if you actually kissed him, but you stick with flicking his forehead, causing him to yelp.

“We’re going to look at the balcony,” Mina stops to inform the four of you before following the venue employee to the large glass double doors.

“We’re going to finish looking at these pictures,” Sejeong calls after her. The pages turn faster as she and Yujin hurry.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket after you start walking to the doors, and you prepare yourself for another flirty text from San. The contact name that is displayed on the screen makes you stop in your tracks. It feels like you have been sucked into a void and are all alone. Your head is pounding and feels heavy. Memories flood your mind of the person who has texted you.

About a year ago, you gave a dating app a chance. Several flirty conversations occurred, but one piqued your interest the most. Mark was nice and funny and matched well with your personality. In person, he was charming and more attractive than in his pictures. You felt that he was a keeper, but two months of “dates” that consisted of going to bars and then back to his place encouraged you to finally ask what your relationship was. His answer was that he didn’t want anything serious, just a friend with benefits. The damage had been done, and he quickly demoted you to just a friend.

You’ve only talked a few times since then, him hitting you up for a booty call only to ghost you again. Though you are ready to settle down in a steady relationship, you can’t resist being the center of his affection just one more time. You hold on with false hope that he eventually wants a serious relationship. With each hook-up, you promise yourself it will be the last time. It’s been a couple months since your last rendezvous. A simple ‘hey’ has more power over you than it should.

Coming back down to earth, you sense something lurking behind you, but before you turn around, a finger pokes either side of your ribs, making you squeal from how it tickles. San has a satisfied grin when you look behind you.

“You almost made me drop my phone!” You yell as he continues on his way to his and Mingi’s college friend, Yunho.

“You’re so lucky. San is, like, obsessed with you,” Yujin says catching up to you.

“He just does shit to annoy me. It’s not what you think,” you correct her.

“I want him to flirt with me, but he doesn’t even really acknowledge that I’m here.”

“Think of that as a blessing. He’ll use you and throw you away like a tissue.”

“I wouldn’t mind it being a one-time thing,” she sighs, longingly watching him walk with Yunho to the balcony doors.

You don’t want her to get hurt once she realizes that he exclusively has one-time things, but if she really wants to, who are you to stand in her way?

“Flirt with him first then, I guess,” you suggest, heading to the balcony as well.

The outdoor area is massive, hanging over the short cliff on stilts, with a view over the woods to the lake on the other side. You lean over the fence a little to see how far down the ground is from the balcony. Before you can stand straight again, a pair of hands suddenly grab your shoulders, effectively scaring the shit out of you as you grip harder on the wooden railing. Finding San as the culprit isn’t surprising.

“Oh, my god! I hate you! Stop doing that!” You yell holding a hand over your heart.

He only laughs, “I couldn’t help it.”

“I almost died!”

“I would have caught you.”

“No, from a heart attack, you asshole!” You push at his shoulder, but his grin only grows. He catches your wrist before you fully retract your hand and pulls you under his arm.

“Oh, you’re fine,” he contends, giving you a tight half hug.

“You are the bane of my existence,” you mutter as you allow him to playfully rock you from side to side. His sweater is soft against your cheek, and his cologne fills your senses. It’s comforting, and you kind of like it.

Yujin glowers at the two of you, burning in jealousy. Her fascination with him is beyond you. You don’t recall wanting to be used by a fuck boy at her age. Then again, you sort of do that now with Mark… Maybe you’re both fools.

“I don’t know what has gotten into you two, but you need to be quieter,” Mina warns you and San as the venue staff member guides your group back inside.

To be honest, you don’t know either. San has made you feel like a little kid again with his pestering antics today. You might be enjoying it a little bit. Maybe because it’s different from his dirty talk that leaves you a flustered mess.

Following Mina to the front of the grand hall, someone taps on your shoulder, and you turn to look. No one is behind you, but there is giggling on the other side of you. You realize you fell for San’s dumb trick, so you whip around and smack his shoulder. The two of you stop while everyone else carries on with the tour.

“Are you five?” You rhetorically ask.

“I think I’m more of a ten.” He grins.

“You’re so annoying.”

“Would you rather me do something else?” His eyebrow raises challengingly.

You suddenly feel his hand on your lower back gliding down and slipping into a back pocket of your jeans. Your body feels like it’s on fire with him casually touching your ass. God forbid he know how much you like it.

“You’re lucky there are other people around,” you say, removing his hand, “Because I would throttle you.” 

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

“Just wait.”

“Impatiently, I will.” He smirks.

“Why don’t you and Yunho go somewhere else before Mina gets onto us again?” You command, and he follows your orders.

Finally, you’re able to listen to the employee talk, this time about how the altar can be decorated and what has been done before that was beautiful. All the styles they mention don’t seem to spark Mina’s interest. You know her tells when she likes something, and currently, none of them are really showing. She nods politely and compliments the photos that are shown. It feels like forever before they move on to lighting options and the different fixtures that can be installed for weddings, and you feel like it is a good time to go change your tampon. On your way out, your attention falls on the guys a few meters away.

Yunho and San are leaned over a food table looking at a pamphlet, and you notice how San has his butt stuck out, an optimal position for payback for all the times he has taunted you today. You don’t know what comes over you to think of this idea, but if he wants to play hardball, then so be it.

Your hand makes contact with his ass, a dull smacking sound accompanying it, as you walk up to them. He’s fairly unfazed, just a little surprised, especially seeing that it is you who has spanked him.

“What are you two losers doing?” You ask nonchalantly, peering at the pamphlet.

“I kinda liked that,” San smirks at you, and Yunho can’t contain his laughter. So much for revenge…

“You like it physical, huh?” He adds.

As you’re about to scold him, Yunho’s phone lights up on the table, and Yunho sighs seeing the sender.

“Some girl you hooked up with keeps asking me if you changed your number.”

San glances at you briefly before speaking, “After a few weeks, I block their numbers if they keep texting me. Can’t let them get attached.”

“Wow, I didn’t think you could get any worse,” you comment with distaste and walk away, rolling your eyes. Your mood has visibly soured, and you know both of them have picked up on it. While you aren’t needed, you step out into the lobby to head to the restrooms.

After changing your tampon, you wash your hands and check your appearance in the mirror. The reflection of yourself is harshly criticized in your mind as your hormones get the best of you. No wonder you’re single; you’re not much to look at, not even San has tried to sleep with you. Tears start to blur your vision. Why must these intrusive thoughts destroy what little good mood you still have?

It takes a second for you to push them away. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself and definitely shouldn’t let San be the decider of your attractiveness. Coming to terms with being forever alone, you exit the bathroom only to find San waiting down the hall to the lobby.

“You really need to stop following me to the toilets,” you express as he strolls towards you.

“I kinda like having you alone.”

“People are going to get the wrong idea.”

“Then we might as well do what they think we’re doing.”

“You’re all talk, no game,” you deadpan.

The look in his eyes darkens, and you feel yourself being backed against a wall. “I don’t think you realize that the game has already started.” He leans in close to your ear. “And your body is telling me I’m winning.” 

A hand rests around your neck, two fingers pressing into the side of your throat. Feeling your heightened pulse under his fingertips, he smirks, and you curse your body for giving you away that easily. Your wide eyes fall to his lips. His hand ghosts up, holding your chin in place as he leans in painfully slow.

You feel his other hand on your hip. His fingers sneakily play with the waistband of your jeans, lightly teasing a few of them under the band. God, you want him to drag you back into the restroom and fuck you up a stall wall. Even though you’re on your period and it would be an absolute mess, you would submit so easily that it’s embarrassing.

“Y/N!” Someone yells for you in the lobby, and the two of you come back to reality.

San just smirks and swipes his thumb across your bottom lip before heading back to the grand hall. You stand there speechless and incredibly aroused. Fuck your period and all the intense emotions that come with it.

Sejeong is stood at the grand hall entrance with her arms crossed, and you can tell she is peeved.

“You’re not going to believe what the venue owner just said to me,” she says in a hushed voice as you walk up, “So Mina and I were asking about having the wedding during the golden hour, and he starts talking about weddings at noon. Mina corrects him that the golden hour is around 5 and walks off. He gets all pissy, saying this is why he hates DIY brides because they think they know everything. I’m like why are you saying this in front of me when I’m literally here with the bride.”

“Which asshole is he? I’ll say something,” you offer, scanning the room for the owner.

“Over there talking to the guys, but don’t say anything. Let’s just tell Mina and leave.”

Making a scene would be counterintuitive considering the owner’s reaction to being corrected. You berating him on his behavior will not knock him off his high horse.

You follow Sejeong into the grand hall. As she repeats her story, you find San and Yujin stood off to the side. Seeing him smirk and flirt with someone else bothers you. You don’t know why or how but it does. Yujin giggles, and you know he’s saying something dirty. Just when you’re about to peel your eyes away from the scene, San glances at you, and you swear he winks.

As Mina rounds everyone up and thanks the venue staff, you hang around the main entrance with Sejeong complaining about the nerve of the owner and how he should educate himself on customer relationship management. You barely acknowledge San wandering up next to you, almost too blinded by rage. 

The day has felt like a letdown, and you know Mina was probably hoping this would be the place where she will get married. In a way, you’re glad it didn’t work out because this venue isn’t the right one for them. You just want her to be happy and have the best possible wedding.

After everyone finally exits the building, you trail behind zoning out in your thoughts of other venues to suggest. A pair of hands lands on your waist, and you feel breathing down your neck.

“Fuck, you’re hot when you’re mad,” San croons in your ear.

“Shut up,” you say, holding back a grin while wiggling out of his grasp. You would definitely deny the electricity sent down below caused by his words.

Reaching the cars, Yujin mentions she has to get to her cosmetology class and says her goodbyes, favoring San’s with a slightly different voice inflection that makes you cringe. 

“I think I’m going to start working out so I can lose weight for the wedding,” Mina voices her idea to you and Sejeong as she unlocks her car with the key fob.

“But that’s not you though,” Mingi cuts in, furrowing his brows.

“I want to look good for the wedding.”

You, Sejeong, Yunho, and San exchange awkward glances because all of you know what will transpire if someone doesn’t deescalate the situation.

“You look good now. What are you talking about?”

“I want to look better, Mingi. Is that so wrong?”

“I’m marrying you because I love you the way you are. You are literally perfect!” His voice raises, bringing the tension up with it.

“I don’t feel perfect. The least you can do is be a little supportive. You can ride back with them,” Mina says firmly before turning towards her car and directing her words at you and Sejeong, “Come on.”

“Can you believe him?” She huffs as soon as the doors are shut.

“I don’t think he was being mean. It’s like how I said this place didn’t seem like you. He doesn’t understand why you want to work so hard to lose weight for one day. He wants the two of you to be yourselves on your wedding day,” you try to explain his perspective.

“I just don’t want his family to think I’m ugly and unworthy of marrying him.”

“You’re not ugly, and if they do, they should get their eyes checked. From what I’ve seen, they adore you,” Sejeong adds.

“Thanks.” Mina doesn’t sound quite convinced.

“It doesn’t matter if they think that. It might not be ideal, but Mingi thinks you’re beautiful. That’s all that should matter,” you continue.

“I know. I just want to be accepted, you know?”

Oh, do you know…

Allowing her time to cool down, you decide to confess about a certain someone.

“Mark texted me earlier.”

“What did he say?” Mina groans.

“Just ‘hey.’”

“You didn’t respond, did you?” She glances at you urgently before shifting her eyes back to the road.

“Not yet,” you answer quietly.

“Don’t. You know what he wants, and he only wants that. We’ve already been over this. You two haven’t talked in over two months. Don’t fall back into that.”

“Who’s Mark?” Sejeong attempts to join the conversation.

“No one,” you say as Mina replies, “An asshole.”

With those responses, she leaves the sensitive topic alone.

But once you’re home alone to drown in your own thoughts, you really contemplate texting Mark back. It wouldn’t hurt as much as before to see him again because you know the pattern, right? One more hook-up isn’t so bad. Yet Mina’s voice yells in the recesses of your mind, and you know better.

A mind-numbing distraction would be nice, so you plop on your couch and turn on your TV. Finding the rerun marathon of Say Yes to the Dress is the worst thing to happen in your vulnerable state, but you don’t change the channel.

The customers look so happy when they find the right dress, and you feel tears come to your own eyes. Will you ever experience that: the overwhelming realization that you are marrying the love of your life and have found the perfect dress? How long will you have to wait until you meet the one? You should have met someone by now, right? Normally people are married and have kids by your age, yet here you are alone in a small apartment crying over a dumb reality TV show. 

You haven’t realized how far behind you are until Mina got engaged. Friends your age haven’t bothered you that much, but because Mina is younger by a few years, it has really cut deep. Your time is ticking.

Your phone vibrates under you, stopping you from slipping further into your depressive episode, but you groan seeing who it is that is bothering you.

From: San🖕 Hey, gorgeous, when are the bridesmaids going dress shopping? 10:21 PM

-

From: You In a few weeks. 10:22 PM

-

From: San🖕 So the groomsmen should go shopping soon too, right? 10:24 PM

-

From: You Yeah 10:25 PM

-

From: San🖕 Can’t wait to see what dress I get to help you out of after the wedding 😏 10:27 PM

-

From: You Okay 10:27 PM

You sigh and roll onto your side on the couch cushions, sniffling uncontrollably. This is so pathetic of you that you wish your hormones would just chill out. Is it too much to ask for someone to love you? Why does it feel like you’re being punished for focusing on yourself before romantic relationships?

Everything seems to be triggering your tears, even this stupid cartoon nasal spray commercial playing in the background. Your cramps barely subside under your heating pad because of how tense your stomach is from containing your cries, and your shirt feels like sandpaper against your boobs. Why the hell are you craving French fries dipped in a vanilla milkshake?

A prolonged vibration of your phone brings your attention to San calling. You let it ring out so that he thinks you can’t answer. That does not deter him from calling again. You decline it this time, hoping he gets the message that you don’t want to talk. After a peaceful moment, you think he realizes, but unfortunately, he rings a third time.

“Why are you calling me?” You answer aggressively.

“Because you usually respond with something angry or annoyed. What’s wrong?”

“I’m not going to just unload all my sorrows on you. You’re not my friend. We have no relationship. I just tolerate you because our best friends are together,” you snap. 

The line is quiet for a moment, and you realize how harsh your words were.

“I’m not just some heartless asshole. If you don’t want to talk, fine. We can sit here in silence until you feel better.” He sounds calm yet firm. It’s a bit unnerving as this is out of character for him.

“I’m not going to stay on the phone crying while you listen.”

“Then stop crying.”

You are caught off guard by his brazen words. “Excuse me? I’m on my period, you asshole!”

“There it is.”

“Fuck you!” You yell and end the call.

From: San🖕 I didn’t mean it like that. I just want you to feel like you can talk to someone because I know you can’t tell Mina everything. I’m sorry. 10:36 PM

You leave him on read and sit up, tossing your phone to the other side of the couch. It should be you apologizing because you did snap at him a little too hard when all he did was be nice. Your phone vibrates again after a moment, and you can’t help but stretch over to read the text.

From: San🖕 I hope you’re not still sad. 10:40 PM

-

From: San🖕 Happy looks good on you. 10:41 PM

[chudleycanonficfest]

Day 26, Post #1 by @cheesyficwriter

Title: The Greatest Chapter 

Author: cheesyficwriter

Pairing: Harry/Ginny

Prompt: Moving in together

Rating: T

Trigger Warnings: None

Prompt: Moving in together 

  The Greatest Chapter

At age 10, I had the most embarrassing schoolgirl crush on Harry Potter. I'd see him and run in the opposite direction, painting the perfect image of me as a young girl who lacked the confidence needed to formulate words — any words — around someone I liked. 

Before getting to know Harry for who he really was, I was so infatuated with the idea of the Boy-Who-Lived. I wanted so desperately to be going to Hogwarts with Ron before I was old enough, knowing that Harry Potter would be there too. 

The way Harry took on a basilisk to save my life during my first year did nothing but solidify my growing feelings for him. My crush never really went away but instead transformed into a casual friendship based upon our shared experience in the Chamber of Secrets, a friendship that I was willing to accept at the time because I just wanted to be around him. 

As we grew up, I started to relax more in his presence. We gained a mutual respect for one another, exchanging laughs in the Great Hall and sharing in-jokes during Christmases at the Burrow. Those little moments, in between all of the chaos and turmoil of what used to be, helped me learn a few things about Harry that I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise — not even on the front page of The Daily Prophet.  

When I was younger, I admired Harry because I was under the impression that he possessed traits that I didn’t. I never imagined that I could be as brave, or courageous, or charismatic as he was to me. What surprised me the most about our developing friendship at Hogwarts was that there were far more similarities between us than differences. We shared the same wicked sense of humor — that I like to say I inherited from my plethora of brothers — yet could still hold my own during quick-witted battles, and I often found myself looking at Harry whenever something made me laugh, just to see if he was laughing, too. My stomach always spiraled when, more often than not, I found him looking back at me. We used our shared humor to our advantage, and I was thankful for that small respite in the midst of so much darkness. 

We shared the same values, both of us realizing the importance of family, friends, and love above everything else. It’s what we fought for every day, even when it seemed like we were too young to really know what love was. 

As our friendship continued, my romantic feelings for Harry were buried deep down in a place where I was once convinced they would stay. I decided to throw all of my energy into school, developing my skills as a witch, thus growing the confidence I needed along the way to put myself out there with other, more available boys. 

For years, we were caught up in our own lives, and it shocked me more than anyone to have captured Harry’s attention when I least expected it. From the first moment he kissed me, I never hesitated. All of those feelings I had attempted to bury came rushing back to the surface, like revealing a galleon that I had stashed at the bottom of my trunk. 

I will never forget those few stolen weeks we had together when I was 15 and he was 16. He described it as something out of someone else’s life, and at the time, I had thought that was all we would ever be. Time was fleeting, and there wasn’t enough of it. 

Harry had no choice but to dedicate his life to fighting for the wizarding world, and I was always determined to be right there beside him, up until the point where I couldn’t. I was smart enough to understand why he didn’t ask me to come with him. It was his mission. His, Ron’s, and Hermione’s. I didn’t often miss the times the three of them carried on by themselves, engaging in secret conversation and disappearing without the faintest clue of their whereabouts until much later. 

On that fateful day that Harry broke things off, I already knew what he was so desperately trying to convey to me. If I were to have accompanied him on the Horcrux hunt, it would’ve been me he was worried about instead of finding the pieces of Voldemort’s soul that were crucial to defeating him. 

That notion — although tragic in a sense — gave me more pleasure than the feeling of scoring an impossible goal during a Quidditch match. 

Regardless, Harry was never far from my mind those long months that he was gone. My childhood crush seemed silly at that point because I had gained so much more than a fleeting romance. 

As time passed, and Harry and I found our way back to each other after Voldemort's defeat, it took us a minute to catch our bearings and resume our relationship that we had put on an indefinite pause. 

It hadn’t always been easy dating him. In fact, dealing with the fame that Harry carried around with him from being a war hero had been a lot harder than I ever anticipated. But it was always unspoken that we managed, despite what any publishings had to say about us. 

I came to love him, not for being Harry Potter, but for who he truly was. His heart. His courage.  

As I stood reflecting on my relationship with Harry in the drawing room of 12 Grimmauld Place, I was overcome with emotion. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was the one we were destined to have, and that made every hardship worth it. 

The room housed a large window overlooking the street, a charming — albeit dusty — fireplace, and ornate fixtures. For a person who just moved in, I felt like the house itself could have been in worse shape. Harry did an exceptional job keeping the place organized, especially for someone who, up until just a few days ago, lived there by himself. 

That’s not to say I hadn’t already spent plenty of nights at Grimmauld Place over the last couple of years. In fact, I probably spent more nights there than I did at the Burrow once I returned home from my final year at Hogwarts. 

It was during those nights that I discovered just a fraction of the pain Harry went through. He’d always been intensely emotional, and so many nights I spent shaking him from his residual nightmares of the trauma he went through, despite the wizarding world being in a much better place. I comforted him the best I could in those moments, determined to make it clear to him that I’m never letting go — not this time. 

I smiled to myself as I took a seat on the piano bench, observing the peeling paint from one of the large, cracked walls. We had a lot of work to do, but moving in together was a proper next step for us. 

"Gin? Are you home?" Harry’s voice carried through the dusty walls. 

Before I could respond, Harry was already standing in the open archway, head tilted to the side with curiosity etched across his face. “Were you just staring at a blank wall?”

I crossed my arms, determined not to let him know about my extensive reflection into our past. “So what if I was, Potter?”

He looked as if he wanted to question my retort further but instead joined me at the piano, bumping his shoulder with mine. 

“It’s a lot of fun coming home to you,” he admitted, the rich, melodic sound of the piano filling the open space from his fingertips pressing against one of the keys. 

“You know that’s practically how we were before, right? When was the last time we spent a night apart?”

Harry shrugged, and it was clear he never really thought about it. “Dunno, but it was one night too many, I reckon.”

I sighed, wanting to ask a question that had been weighing on my heart. “Do you find it odd that we’ve never really argued? I mean, even when you broke up with me-”

“Why must we go back to that?” Harry interrupted, a pained look crossing his face. 

I gave him a playful pat on the arm. I wanted our past to be something positive we could look back on and didn’t fancy dwelling on the shit times. 

“Shush. I’m just saying, even though it hurt a lot to not know where you were for almost a year, I always understood your decision. You had to go.”

Harry’s eyebrows knitted together, clearly still trying to work out the point of the conversation. “Where are you going with this?”

“I just-I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I rubbed my temple to ease my stressed-out mind. “I’m actually worried that we will never fight.”

“Oh, we’ll fight.”

I turned towards Harry, who was too busy fiddling with the piano keys to even look at me. He responded straight away, like he didn’t even have to think about it. “How can you be so certain?”

Harry snorted. “I’ve witnessed you get all hot-headed when you disagree with other people.” He sent me a dazzling grin, reaching out to trail his fingers through my stray ginger strands that hung loose from my ponytail. “You’ve got that fiery red hair. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Hey!”

“In fact,” Harry smirked with a mischievous glint in his eyes, “I think you’re the most problematic person I know, Ginevra.”

Harry yelped when I pinched his forearm. “You prat.”

He chuckled, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to pull me closer. “In all seriousness, though, we’re going to be fine.”

I stared at him in awe but leaned into him. “You are so sure of yourself.”

He grabbed my shoulders, pivoting our bodies so that we were facing each other on the bench. “You wanna know how sure I am?”

Before I could respond or even react, he kissed me full on the mouth. He growled as our kiss intensified, and all at once, our positions shifted as I felt a sharp pain in my back from my body making contact with the piano keys with a resounding trill. I was left dizzy and breathless, snogging Harry as a wave of happiness resonated through me. 

When he pulled away, his fierce emerald eyes locked on mine set my mind ablaze. “Does that answer your question?”

I decided his question didn’t require a verbal response, so I simply attached my hand to the nape of his neck before dragging his face back to mine. We didn’t talk much for a while after that. 

I knew, perhaps more than anyone else, how much Harry desired moving forward from the past. I’m ready, too, to start the greatest chapter of our lives.

[blueink2k]

Propaganda in Death Note and How It Played Into Light’s God Complex

[This is based on information from the anime, as I have yet to read the manga for myself. Caps from or references to the manga may be included to emphasize points or provide visuals, but the version of the plot I'm referring to is taken from the anime.]

Light Yagami does not pick up the Death Note knowing he’s going to use it to commit mass murder and become the God of his New World.

Actually, he does the opposite. He kills someone to test it as he’s under the impression it isn’t real, convinces himself it was a freak coincidence, and decides to try it out in a way that will provide a more concrete conclusion. When it does end up working he’s stunned, to say the least.

“I killed them both...I killed two men. Those were human lives. I-It won’t be overlooked. Besides, who am I to pass judgment on others?”

Light Yagami, the perfect, straight-A, model student, has just confirmed he killed two people using some strange supernatural notebook that just happened to fall into his hands. He’s always believed strongly in his morals. He’s been on course his whole life to join the police force like his father an deliver justice, and here he is, an indirect murderer. 

So what does he do about it?

...He comes up with a reason to justify himself. 

The people he killed were criminals. Mere scum who do nothing but rot and infect the world. Wouldn’t everyone be better off without them? It isn’t that he’s never considered this before, he has, albeit not to the same degree as taking their deaths into his own hands. But now that he has the power to do so, why shouldn’t he? He’s smart, he’s determined. He’s capable of it.

In fact, in his mind, he’s the only one who is.

He’s kind of right. He’s the top of his class, he comes out on top in national tests, he barely even has to try. Plus, he’s the only one that has a Death Note, and therefore the power to do this. 

At this point in time, he doesn’t consider himself a god. He doesn’t want to rule the world, he just wants to change it. Something else important to note is that he doesn’t refer to himself as Kira or anything other than Light. 

...That is, until...

Websites start popping up all over claiming that whoever this mass murderer is is named “Kira”, a god among men risen to punish criminals and save the world.

Two things to note here;

Apparently, “Kira” is returning, meaning there must have been some kind of previous belief in an entity that either did something similar to Light or had the same beliefs. There isn’t any other canon mention of a previous Kira, and this in and of itself is pretty vague, but given that there’s tons of religions in real life that have never had a big breakthrough, it’s reasonable to believe this could be something similar. That, or a creepypasta. Or a cult.

Light created this understanding that he had to be the one to change the world to cope with his murders. Actually - that might be the worst way to put it, since we know how strongly he feels about justice and being given an outlet to carry out this wish of world peace just enhanced this, but nonetheless... It’s impossible to assume he’s doing all of this without even a speck of guilt. Therefore, this is the first hint of appreciation or even just acknowledgement that what he’s doing is right. 

Disregarding the first point (as interesting as I find it), this is really the first time Light is ever told what he’s doing is good. His own father - who he idolizes -considers Kira evil. His sister flat out says she hates him. Of course, this is all after Kira actually does become popular, but still, all he receives from that point on is disapproval from the people he cares the most about. The online love for Kira is all he has.

So, yeah, he probably internalizes it.

He thinks he’s doing the right thing. He thinks he’s giving others justice. He thinks he’s the only one who can do this. Others agreeing is only enhancing this. They’re the ones who call him God.

As the story progresses, Kira’s power and popularity grows. He gains direct news coverage, people begin sending him names of people to kill, his following grows. So much so, that when someone gets a Death Note and figures out that must be what he’s using, their immediate response is to find a way to contact him.

Cue Misa Amane and Sakura TV.

Sakura TV is a news program known for its unreliability. Demegawa, the director, even says he’s willing to make things up for publicity. And that’s when the Second Kira tapes arrive. 

This, however, is only the first encounter with Sakura TV.

After this, the only direct involvement the police has with it is in the Yotsuba arc, when it’s used to lure out Higuchi. Otherwise the program promotes Kira all on its own, even going so far as to create Kira’s Kingdom - half a scam for viewers’ money, half a way to get more people to see Kira as God. And it works. He gains a following of people who believe he will create a new, better world, and will even give themselves up to help him. 

An example of this following is when a mob of followers attacks the SPK under Kira’s orders. They’re so quick to join in, and are even willing to put their names and faces on TV in trust that Kira will not kill them.

All of this publicity sparks fear in the general public. People begin fearing that if they do something wrong Kira will kill them, causing crime rates to drop nearly 70% over Kira’s 6 year reign, as well as completely stopping wars.

Demegawa is eventually killed. Other news programs begin scrambling to claim the voice of Kira, topped by NHN, where we are reintroduced to Kiyomi Takada as Kira’s spokeswoman as well as one of his greatest supporters.

Light, as much as he hates Sakura TV and NHN’s depictions of Kira, uses them to his advantage as much as he can.

But really, imagine what this is all doing to him.

At the beginning, he struggled with grasping what he was doing as right. His sense of justice, righteousness, and perfectness shattered by a single notebook. But this is perfect, he figures that if he really wants to fix the world, this is one surefire way to do it. And yeah, his family hates Kira, but online he’s worshiped as God. We already know he has a pretty decent ego, and all of this is doing nothing but fueling it.

To top it all off, as he continues with his killings, his following grows. More and more people begin to support him, every single day there’s news stations upon news stations covering his story, some negative, some positive. People from all over express admiration towards him, even the President of the United States sides with him. He is literally worshiped as Kira, as God.

This all makes it sounds like his god complex starts later in the series, so to clarify; no, he does not pick up the book with plans to become God, but the second people start fueling his ego, the more twisted his ideals and motivations become. He’s the only one who can fix this rotten world. He holds the power of a god in his hands, he does what only a god can do, and everyone treats him accordingly. He is Kira, he is God.

Between websites, news programs, and his cult-like following, Light had enough attention to feed into his ego for a lifetime. He was perfect pre-Death Note. Smart, charming, set for success. There never was a time where he was particularly not narcissistic, it was just that he only felt this way inside of himself. The way he presented to others? A perfect, cool guy persona with an - in all honesty - annoying prickly jerk hiding inside. But no one ever knew this, he never let them know, and because he was always naturally successful it was more of an expectation he just met rather than surpassed, so he wasn’t consistently praised and this incredible self-esteem wasn’t propped up by anyone but himself.

To cycle back to the title of this rant-essay-analysis-whatever you’d like to call it, I want to share some examples about exactly why I even classify this news coverage and whatnot of Kira as propaganda.

Kira’s supporters cause a riot at SPK HQ under Kira’s orders and Demegawa’s direction.

Mikami providing his insight as to why he supports Kira on television, openly promoting Kira and encouraging others to join him.

Takada announces her new role as Kira’s spokesperson on NHN.

Mikami uses his power as Kira to kill members of Kira’s Kingdom, supposed followers of Kira who have been using his publicity to gain money and attention.

Most of this doesn’t exactly look like your standard propaganda posters or news story, but it does fit the overall criteria;

Information from a biased viewpoint used to promote/publicize a certain view (accepting Kira as God)

Shows exclusively positive views on Kira

Assigns Kira positive adjectives and makes him appear as good (God, savior, messenger from Hell), never considering or showing the bad

Presenting only positive statistics (Light does this in his monologue where he brings up the 70% crime rate drop, and given there’s no way he could have calculated this on his own he likely got it from one of these media sources. Not that it’s incorrect, per se, but he does fail to mention how many innocent people he’s killed in order to do this.)

Appeals to regular, everyday people by talking about how he’s doing this for the betterment of the whole world. People who are directly affected by crime are also likely positively impacted by this.

Initiates and spreads fear by explaining how Kira only attacks those who do wrong.

In the end, Light’s personal descent into his god complex, as well as his effects on the world can be attributed to many things, but it would be a crime to ignore just how big of a role news and other types of media played in this without his direct input. To think, if Light had won and overtaken the police like he was going to, he’d have absolutely no problem stepping into his shoes as God. Everyone else already set the stage, he just had to get there first.

-

This is my first Death Note analysis, so please excuse any errors, I just watched the anime for the first time and am doing my best to piece together all of the plot and especially Light’s deep characterization the best I can. If I ever read the manga or find something new, chances are this will be updated. But as for now, it’s finally finished after a week or so of procrastinating. Thank you for reading if you got this far! <3

[nikakistos]

Mikasa will kill Eren

With the series ending in only three chapters at the time of writing this meta/prediction post, i want to share my thoughts about how the battle between the Alliance and Eren will conclude. More specifically, i will analyze all the reasons that make me believe that Mikasa will kill Eren and put an end to this battle.

Mikasa’s character arc

The first important reason that made me reach to that conclusion is non other than Mikasa’s phenomenal and, in my opinion, underrated character arc. So, let’s get to know Mikasa.

Mikasa starts the story as a sheltered kid. She lives in the mountains, far away from any other kids, with her mom and dad being her only company. Her mom and dad were her entire world. She was a naive, innocent little girl who used to overlook the cruel nature of the world, focusing entirely on it’s beauty. She was content living like that with the people she loved the most, without having any grandiose dreams of her own.

And then, reality ensues. Three human traffickers kill her family and try to sell her as a sex slave. Mikasa, being only a child and alone was about to surrender. Without her family she didn’t have a place in the world. She didn’t know how to live without them.

Until Eren comes to save her. Out of the blue he kills the first two of the traffickers and unties her. However, the third one appears and disarms Eren. Before blacking out, the young boy tells Mikasa the words that later became her mantra “Fight! If you don’t win, you die. If you win, you live. If you can’t fight, you can’t win!”

That is the moment that Mikasa’s survival instincts awaken her Ackerman powers. The moment that she accepts that this world is kill or be killed and realizes it’s true nature. And the moment she learns the truth of the world she finds the strngth to kill her assailant. Mikasa kills so that she won’t be killed. And the moment her enemy falls, the old Mikasa dies. 

Broken and homeless, Mikasa asks Dr.Yeager what she should do now that she had no one. How could she live on her own? She never learned how to do that. Mikasa, from the very beginning of her life, is a codependent person. She thinks that she can’t go on alone. And at this moment of sadness comes Eren and wraps a muffler around her neck to protect her from the cold. Both from the physical cold, but also from the cold, hard world that took her happiness away. He offers her a home. Their home.

From that moment onwards Eren became Mikasa’s world. He replaced her parents as her new family, alongside with his mom and dad. Mikasa, realizing that Eren was no more than a troublesome kid with a knack for getting into troubles, decides to be by his side forever and protect him. Partly out of gratitude for saving her and giving her a home, parly because it was his mom’s wish, partly because she is in love with him, but also in order to protect herself and her own peace of mind Mikasa latches onto Eren. And she makes the same mistake as before. She starts viewing Eren as a wholly good person. She keeps the image of the scarf and forgets the violence that came before. She projects onto Eren all of the beauty in the world. 

After Carla’s death, Mikasa’s overprotective attitude only worsens. She resolves to follow Eren at all times and be there for him, without considering his feelings. She actually had a habit of misinterpreting his sentiments about her clingy nature quite often. Whoever threatens her life with Eren becomes an enemy. So, Mikasa, who never got over her trauma, thinks that Eren is the most important part of the world and that without him she can’t go own. To that end she joins the military, when in reality she never cared about humanity’s struggle against the titans. Mikasa was fine living an uneventful life with Eren and Armin. 

However, those sentiments are not fit for a soldier. As a person who dedicated her heart for humanity’s survival, her first priority being Eren becomes a hindrance. A soldier should always put his feelings second. Fulfilling the mission should always be first. While Mikasa proves herself to be extremely effective in the Battle of Trost initially, with her stoic and direct nature saving hundreds of lives, when news of Eren’s death reach her she breaks down completely. She convinces the rest of the cadets to fight, while not being prepared to do her duty. She gives up and she is ready to die, until Eren’s memory and her desire to not forget him help her pull through and fight for her life. This marks the first instance of Mikasa’s growing maturity. She finds a reason to keep moving forward even without her family. 

Mikasa is a survivor. Keep carrying on and living even after the deaths of her beloved people has always been a part of her. And this is not something that comes directly from Eren, but from her own self and love of life. Her Ackerman powers only activated due to her own survival instincts. Not from Eren’s orders. While she hasn’t realized it yet, Mikasa takes pride in being alive. In a world where only the strong survive, she feels proud of counting herself amongst them.

Of course, the revelation of Eren being alive makes Mikasa regress. She continues with her overprotective behavior and with her reckless, emotional behavior. Her desire to exact vengeance on Annie causes her to jeopardize the mission to retrieve Eren and sideline Levi. Mikasa was hurt by Annie, becaue Annie exposed her again. She showed her that she is not entirely capable of protecting Eren. She also showed her once more that fighting impulsively and allowing feelings to interfere when in a mission puts her life at risk. The first time, she was saved by Eren. The second, by Levi. So, Mikasa resolves to do better next time. She resolves to become a better soldier. Her sense of responsibility over Levi’s injury pains her and she tries to make up for it. She scolds Eren for not fighting her, despite her having killed numerous Survey Corps members. Her effots pay off and this eventually leads to Annie getting captured.

Unfortunately, Mikasa’s feelings have continued to resurface in critical moments. And those feelings did not concern Eren entirely. Despite Mikasa claiming that she only cares about a small amount of lives, specifically Armin and Eren, perhaps she hadn’t realize that she cares for far more people than she initially believed. Even after promising Levi to not make any more blunders, the only reason that Reiner and Bertholt escaped from her was the bonds she had created with them. She saw them as her comradres.  She later tries to make up for her failure by trying to make the rest of her comrades see Reiner and Bertholt as enemies of humanity and prevent them from hesitating like she did and putting a tough front against Ymir, but again, the damage had already been done. 

Mikasa had grown to care for more people than Eren and Armin. Mikasa during the Battle of Trost threatened Dimo Reeves who was delaying the evacuation process, because he was getting more of her comrades killed. She saved innocents and civilians. She was angry at the Female Titan for killing so many of her comrades. She created strong bonds within the 104th unit. She even showed consideration for Levi, even though she disliked him for beating up Eren. More importantly, as the series progress, Mikasa starts caring more about the world in general. The little girl who only cared about herself and her family members has now become a soldier who fights for the entire world. She even develops a sense of belonging to Paradis, viewing it as her homeland, when she wasn’t even willing to fight for the island 4 years ago. Her cold exterior starts to crumble and she opens up. She protects a child who killed one of her best friends, a stark contrast to the earlier version of Mikasa who nearly ruined a mission by trying to have her vengeance against Annie. The Mikasa who simply cared for her small world and had no ambitions of exploring the outside world easily embraces the volunteers from Marley and becomes optimistic about their intergration to Paradis. The exact opposite of Eren.

This gradual “defrosting” of Mikasa and her repeated failures, along with the realization of the inferiority feelings she was causing him to have, force Mikasa to alter her treatment of Eren. While she was constantly nagging and smothering him, she starts to become more supportive of him, encouraging him and helping him believe in himself, just like she did with Armin. Not only that, this enables her to become a better soldier as well. While the Mikasa of the first few chapters was willing to disobey orders if that meant being close to Eren, she starts trusting the leadership of Levi, whom she resented, and entrusts Eren to Armin in the Battle of Shiganshina. She understands that she has a role to play as a soldier and that Eren can take care of himself either alone or with the help of other people, without her being near. This results in a huge victory in Shiganshina.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that she has changed completely. Mikasa still refused to obey Levi’s orders and attacked him when he tried to revive Erwin instead of Armin, Despite all, her feelings for the people who are closer to her, Eren and Armin are still too strong sometimes and overpower her better judgement. However, it was at this point exactly, that Mikasa received her second warning. She has to keep moving forward with the knowledge that all the people she knows will eventually die. And she did. Mikasa did give up in the end during the Serumbowl. She has matured.

Unfortunately, Mikasa’s love for Eren is still hindering her. Even now, after all that, Mikasa’s sole dream is living with him forever. She is in love with him, even though he has commited horrible crimes that go against her values. Her introverted, shy nature plus her fear of losing him do not allow her to express her true feelings, but she does have them.

And here comes Mikasa’s greatest flaw. Despite all of her development, she still thinks that without Eren she is lost. She has no goal left. She never learned how to live as an individual and as an independent person. That’s why she believes his lies so easily. She doesn’t recognize her sense of self without him. She still ties her identity to Eren. She has all of the foundations for living as a complete and healthy human being, but her inability to separate herself from Eren is destroying her and clouding her judgement. That’s why she asks Armin what to do in chapter 125, that’s why she tries to stop Pieck from killing Eren in chapter 135, that’s why she says she won’t kill him. And most importantly for her, that’s why she couldn’t admit that she is in love with him in chapter 123. Mikasa simply cannot handle rejection from Eren. She can’t think of a future for her without him by her side. She almost reconsiles herself to loving him from afar.

It is very evident and telling from her reaction to Louise and her first talk to Annie that Mikasa is actually ashamed for prioritizing Eren over anything else and simply following his footsteps. In reality, Mikasa doesn’t want that. She wants to be her own person. She wants to be Eren’s equal, not his follower. That’s why she doesn’t wear the scarf anymore.

Well all these need to and will change. Mikasa has to put her feelings aside one more time and act as a soldier and finish off the threat to humanity. She needs to stop tying so much of herself to Eren and realize for good that she can live without him, despite wanting to be by his side forever. And in order to do all that, she has to stop lying to herself for good. She has to admit her feelings, her true feelings not solely to her, but to him as well. And judging by her own regrets, she will.

Mikasa’s character arc has her going from a happy, naive little girl, to a broken,  gloomy, stoic person who only cares about a couple of people to a proper soldier who cares and fights for the entire world, friends and foes included. She opens up, makes friendships, develops a more pacifistic worldview compared to her survival mindset of old. But most importantly, she will become a normal, functioning human being.

Nature of the conflict

Moving on from Mikasa’s characters arc, i believe that the nature of the conflict of the series in and of itself points out towars Mikasa killing Eren. The first and primary conflict in the series is the fight between Humans and Titans. The world has expanded since the first chapter. The series has become more complex. And yet, in the final battle we see some people fighting to protect humanity from the hordes of titans that want to trample the remaining human race outside the walls of Paradis.

In this exact setting we have the Survey Corps, the group of people that from day one fights for humanity’s survival and liberation from the terror of the titans fughting against the biggest symbol of oppression and enslavement in the entire series. The Wall Titans.

The Scouts dreamt of an idealized world when fighting against the titans. And still, even after this world was revealed to be quiet different than they imagined, more disappointing, they still don’t give up. Because they understand that the world is a cruel place, but it also very beautiful. The person who best represents this theme in the series is none other than Mikasa Ackerman. And she is fighting for the Scouting Legion against the person who showed her both sides of the world in the same day. That person has renounced all the beauty in this world and focused only on the ugly side. And he fights for the Titans.

In a series about humans fighting against titans, Mikasa is a character associated with human strength. 

While Mikasa (and the Survey Corps in general) is associated with human strength, Eren on the other hand has been constantly referred to as a monster. A devil. Something inhuman. Now of course, technically speaking Mikasa is also part titan and Eren is also part human, however this symbolism still exists.

Judging by the narrative and the themes of the series, an Eren victory is downright impossible. It just doesn’t fit for the titans to defeat humanity. The story has put so much emphasis on the creation of a better world, free of curses and hate. Eren, being the physical manifestation of both can’t win. He has to die. And in such a story, is there a better way to topple the biggest titan of all time, using the trademark weapon of humanity? That it the ODMG.

Foreshadowing

In this part, i will let the pictures do the talking. It is evident from all of them and from my previous analysis of Mikasa’s arc that a full blown conflict between her and Eren is bound to happen. And Mikasa killing Eren has been referenced way too many times for that to be a coincidence.

Every single time in this latest arc that Eren being killed is mentioned, Mikasa is at the forefront. Isayama focuses on her too much in these scenes. Considering the fact that now that Gabi has realized what the true nature of the titans is, the fact that they have wrapped the explosives around Eren’s neck, Armin going Colossal being foreshadowed over a billion times, Eren seems to be in huge danger. Killing the Source of the Titans would likely kill Eren, seeing as how he is nothing but a head without a body. And it doesn’t look like he can regenerate. Stopping the Colossals might only be possible by killing the centipede that is tied to Eren’s survival. And for all the reasons i have mentioned, i believe that Mikasa will be the one to kill it.

[practicalmagicintuitions]

“The fates lead the willing and drag the unwilling”

I was thinking about that last MT podcast HC had when he mentioned stoicism and a book I have but I haven’t read yet. So I decided to deep dive in a little bit because I studied philosophy at the university at a very basic level but I always wanted to know more, so this seems a good occasion. I am also interested in what HC could see in this philosophy school. I think we all know at this point he is interested in things that interest his people, not necessarily him or he is dropping ideas, new things fast. So one part of this will be a summary of stoicism because I feel many people have misconceptions or don’t know what is this just saying this is sh*t even don’t have the slightest idea about it. The other part will be a little HC armchair analysis by me throughout this topic. And I also decided to read the book he mentioned - Viktor E. Frankl Man's Search for Meaning - and maybe I will walk through it or give you a summary if you interested. 

Bare with me, because this turned out to be long, but I had to get out his from my system.

Not soon after the pandemic and the lockdown started in 2020 Penguin Random House said the print sales of Marcus Antonius’s Meditations are up 28% for the first quarter of 2020 vs 2019, while print sales of Letters from a Stoic are up 42% for the same period. The ebook sales rose by 356% . This boom was because of the pandemic but the popularity of modern stoicism has been an upcoming thing for a while especially since people like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet allegedly used stoicism in their business and Thomas Kaplan is supporting a Stoicism Course at Brown University. But unfortunately, modern stoicism has become kind of a ready-made lifehack, a self-helping method, that’s why books like Ryan Holiday’s one could be published and becomes a success. This is where I see modern stoicism’s faults. 

Stoicism seems a good school to support or to follow in the pandemic because this is about we have to accept the things we have no control over. Probably that’s why the sales went up. This is about don’t letting uncontrollable things or events messing with your judgment and clarity. Fear, screams, panic, rages don’t help. And I think we can agree this is true. Aurelius wrote his Meditations in the middle of a battle when his men were dying not just because of the fights but because of a pox epidemic and top of that he was an Emperor. So to maintain his sanity he had become a stoic. He didn’t have an influence on the epidemic so he just accept it and didn’t spend his energy raging about it. 

Stoicism was founded by Zenon around 300 BC. And it was a thriving and popular school without huge wars or pandemics or anything. Back then it was not a reaction to something but a preparation for something. More directly prepare yourself the thing you cannot be prepared for. And probably this is the OG stoicism most valuable teaching that there are events in this world we simply cannot control. What we can control however how we react to those events. Are we remain calm or think this is a catastrophe. Let see a very basic example. We are mortals, we will die no matter what. This is a sure event we have no control over. What we can control that our view on this. Will we panic? Refuse to even talk about death or refuse to make a will because “OMG I will die then!!” Like spoiler alert, it will happen, will or no will. Or we understand our time is limited and try to enjoy it and not see smaller inconveniences are tragedies. I am sure we all know people who think if they spill themselves over with coffee or the handle of the grocery’s bag comes off it’s a pure tragedy and they are capable of thinking about this all day as something it is happening with them always an exclusively. 

Until this, I think it’s all good we can use this in our daily life. What is dangerous in the OG stoicism is that the stricter wing of it thought emotions as a whole or almost all of it cause confusion so you basically should eliminate emotions to have that clarity on life. That’s why Diogenes wrote that the wise is emotionless. And this is the main and very valid criticism again stoics, that with taking away the emotions they basically ripping of humans from something very unique valuable, important, because our emotions make us humans. And because living totally emotionless is kinda impossible this goal is not realistic, so it causes many frustrations ( oh my... even more emotions!) Because think about it, who are described as emotionless? Psychopaths. 

You have cases, events, when your emotions, even overflowing ones are right and acceptable and suppressing them, could be dangerous. Because realistic or not Marcus Aurelius and Seneca and the other stoics idea was not just watching the world and letting things happen, shrugging a shoulder and say nothing, no! Their philosophy and aim were to eliminate the bothering things which not let you think calmly. And since we are talking about philosophy the reality of this in practice is secondary. Critics also think ( and maybe the modern stoicism is going in this direction) that a hardcore stoics care only about themself and their egos while Seneca says friendships are important and in general most stoics accepted positive feelings (to a certain extent).

Stoicism comes back to life mostly in psychotherapy around 1900 by Paul Dubois ( before him there was another new wave of stoicism in the 16th century) and that’s where Victor E Frankle is connected to this topic. I haven’t read his book yet but I know his method is called logotherapy (logos= meaning) and this was born in the deepest existential crisis when his whole family was killed in a concentration camp and he felt he had remained only one personal freedom, the way how he reacts to the circumstances. Frankle invented his own method so he is not just planted some ancient in the modern world but he in fact thought Socrates and his philosophy is his inspiration. I won’t talk about this more until I read his book. 

* I wanted to listen to the whole podcast again, but I couldn’t so I just went to the part we care about now.

So they are talking about morning routines and he mention that one of his teachers in primary school said to him “Always expect the unexpected” This is pure stoicism and while I am not suggesting he is lying I noticed he likes to blend his current interest with his childhood memories like when he said at the WitcherCon how they had to build a fantasy castle in the school (or something) and this was such good preparation for him because he has a fantasy series now. Convenient right?

So he mentioned the teacher and a little later hinting that he is into stoicism lately. Question is, which comes first? The teacher with the stoic idea or the stoicism as a new interest somehow repainted his childhood memories? 

Then he again is talking about the stoic’s way of control. Or does he? 

“ focusing on the thing you can control and make yourself better to control them” 

This was never part of the OG philosophy because that is not about being a control freak. It is actually the opposite. If you cannot control something let it go, not force things to go on your way and if you failed then you let go. 

The next part it’s not about this topic but I have to mention it because I kinda overlooked it when I listed this at the first time.

He is asked about the fitness industry’s mistakes and he said

“I wouldn’t be the kinda person to point my finger at anyone and say there is a big mistake there…. I wouldn’t ever want to point to finger at anyone saying there is a mistake “

So… should I insert the FO post here? And I know the question and the answer was about fitness but he clearly has no problem pointing fingers at people. 

This leads to us again to the control topic. His FO post is creaming about controlling. “ You don’t like the way I am dating? You don’t like I have a covid romance? Then I will tell you what to do and how to behave because I need to have control over my fandom”

When the host asked him about overcoming obstacles he mention the book - Victor E. Frankl Man's Search for Meaning. (he also said it’s difficult to give advice…)

While he is talking about the book (and for me, it’s clear that the host doesn’t give a damn about this) so HC’s whole tone is changed. Just compare when he is talking about MT and training and so on, he is so irritating and unlistenable but here he is calmer, doesn’t use his voice so expressively, doesn’t emphasise that much in a sentence etc. This to me shows he is actually craving after something more, something deeper, something serious. Not just talking about his ties and blueberry smoothies. I don’t think is dumb (I think he has dumb choices thought) I think he could be more both as an actor both as an individual because when he was talking about the book I felt he has a true, genuine interest and it was a one-second opportunity to talk about something interesting not just fart powder.  

I feel his interest in stoicism is an attempt to validate why he is oppressing his feelings. I am sure he does this because he is uncomfortable with his feelings, past and present. For example, I think instead of the bullying his main trauma is being sent away from home to a boarding school and experiencing cold treatment from his mom (the infamous stop calling story). But he oppressing this because I guess all of his brothers he is looking up to loves their mom and he feels he needs to be a good son but questioning his mom means he is a bad one. So instead of admitting that he is hurt and damaged by it he is saying the bullying was his worst experience. 

This means to me he doesn’t understand stoicism, ancient or modern he just wants and moreover, he needs something he can hold and cling to, something that gave himself meaning. As a book’s title says: Man’s search for meaning. And I feel HC does this maybe a little bit desperately. Searching for the answers and this moment he thinks stoicism is the key to finding what he is looking for while in reality, the main problem is he doesn’t ask the right questions. And without them, he won’t find any answer. Or meaning. 

Title quote from Seneca

[freddiekluger]

Why Cap Being Internally Closeted Is Not Only Possible, But Valid Representation 

i wrote this to a lot of mitski and onsind, so you can’t blame me for any feelings that bleed through

now i don’t know if it actually exists, but i’ve heard of there being a lot of discourse surrounding the captains story arc regarding his sexuality- i believe the general gist is that having a queer character that remains closeted to themselves is either unrealistic or ‘bad’ representation, and as someone who really treasures the captain and relates to his story so far a lot, i thought i might break this down a bit. 

i’ve divded up every complaint i’ve heard about this into four main questions which i’ll be covering below the ‘keep reading’, because this is gonna be pretty comprehensive. full disclaimer i reference my experiences as an ex-evangelical non binary butch lesbian a couple times, and i spent a year studying repression and the psychological impacts of high demand sexual ethics for my graduating sociology paper, so this is coming with some background to it i swear

the big questions:

can you EVEN be gay and not know it????

but isn't this just ANOTHER coming out arc, and aren't we supposed to be moving beyond those?

but if cap can't have a relationship with a man because he's a ghost, what's the point?

since cap's dead, isn't this technically bury your gays, and isn't that bad? 

1. "but is it really possible to not know? Isn't that bad representation?"

short answer: no and no.

before i get into the validity of the captain's ignorance about his own orientation as 21st century rep, let's break down how the hell the captain can be so clearly attracted to men and still not even consider the possibility that he might be gay, as brought to you by someone who literally experienced this shit.

the captain's particular situation is both a direct result of the lack of information around human sexuality he would have had (aka clear messaging that it's actually possible for him to be attracted to men. i don't mean acceptable or allowed, i mean physically capable of happening- the idea that orientations other than heterosexual exist and are available to him, a man), and a subconscious survival mechanism. the environment in which he lives is outright hostile to gay people, while the military man identity he has constructed for himself doesn't allow for any form of deviation from societal norms, let alone one so base level and major. as a result of this killer combo of information and environment, instincts take over and the mind does it's best to repress the ‘deviant’ feelings until a. one of these two things changes, or b. the act of repression becomes so destructive and/or exhuasting that it becomes impossible to maintain. the key to maintaining a long-term state of repression of desire is diverting that energy elsewhere, and a high-demand group such as the military is the perfect place for the captain to do this (this technqiue is frequented by religions and extremist ideologies worldwide, but that’s not really what we’re here to focus on). 

while the brain is actively repressing ‘deviant’ feelings (aka gay shit), this doesn't mean you don't experience the feelings at all. when performed as a subconscious act of survival, the aim of repression is to minimise/transform the feelings into a state where they can no longer cause immediate danger, and something as big as sexual/romantic orientation is going to keep popping up, but as long as the individual in question never understands what they’re feeling, they’ll be able to continue relatively undisturbed. you know how in heist movies, the leader of the group will only tell each team member part of the plan so they can’t screw things up for everyone else if they get caught? it’s kind of like that.

this is how the captain appears to have operated in life AND in death, and it’s a relatively common experience for lgbtq people who’ve grown up in similar circumstances (aka with a lack of information and in an unfriendly-to-hostile environment), and accounts for how some people can even go on to get married and have children before realising that they’re gay and/or trans. 

personally, while i can now identify what were strong homo crushes all the way back to childhood, at the time i genuinely had no idea. there was the underlying sense that i probably shouldn't tell people how attached i was to these girls because i would seem weird, and that my feelings were stronger than the ones other people used to describe friendships, but like-like them in the way that other girls like-liked boys? no way! actually scratch that, it wasn't even a no way, because i had no idea that i even could. i even had my own havers, at least in terms of the emotional hold and devotion she got from me, except she treated me way less well than cap’s beau. snatches of the existence of lgbt people made it through the cone of silence, i definitely heard the words gay and lesbian, but my levels of informations mirrored those that the captain would have had: virtually none, beyond the idea that these words exist, some people are them, and that's not something that we support or think is okay, so let's just not speak about it. despite only attending religious schools for the first couple years of primary, until i got my own technology and social media accounts to explore lgbtq content on my own- option a out of the two catalysts for change- the possibility of me being gay was not at all on my radar. don’t even get me started on how long it took me to explore butchness and my overall gender, two things which now feel glaringly obvious. 

when shit starts to break down, you can also make the conscious choice to repress which can delay the eventual smashing down of the mental closet door for a time (essentially when the closet door starts to open, you just say ‘no thanks’ and shut it again by pointedly Not Thinking About It). in the abscence of identifying yourself by your attractions, it becomes quite common to identify with a lack- in my case, this meant becoming proud of how sensible and not boy crazy i was, and in the captain’s case, this means becoming proud of how sensible and not sensuous/wild (aka woman crazy) he was, identifying with his LACK of desire for women and partying (which, even in the 40s, involved the expectation of opposite sex romances and hook ups). i’m not saying that’s the only reason he’s a rule follower, but i think the contrast between About Last Night and Perfect Day pretty much support this. (the captain getting on his high horse about general party antics that he inherently felt excluded from because of underlying awareness of his difference & his tendency to project his regimented expectations of himself onto others, vs. joining in the reception party, awareness of how the environment supports difference in the form of clare and sam, and relaxing his own rules by dancing with men- the captain doesn’t mind a party when feels like he has a place there.)

so the captain was operating in a high demand, highly regulated environment (primarily the military, but also early 20th century England itself), with regimented roles, rules, and expectations. working on the assumption that he wouldn't have had out/disclosing lgbt friends, he would have had little to no exposure to lgbt identities, and what information he did receive would have been hushed and negatively geared. while my world started to open up when i started high school was allowed to have my own phone + instagram account, resulting in me realising something wasn't quite 'right' within a few years (making me a relatively early realiser compared to those who don't come out to themselves until adulthood), in life the captain never had that experience. he didn't receive the information he needed, his environment didn't grow less hostile. with the near-exception of havers related heartbreak, his well disciplined and lifelong method of repression never became destructive/exhaustive enough to permanently override the danger signals in his mind and allow him to put his feelings into words. neither of the most common catalysts for change happened for him, so he continued as usual, even after his death.

BUT, and here’s where we come to why this is actually great representation, arrival of mike and Alison represents the opening up of new world. for the first time, the captain is actively made aware of the fact that his environment is no longer hostile, and better than that, it’s affirming. he’s also getting access to positively geared information about lgbtq people and identities, so option a of the two catalysts for change is absolutely present, and resoundingly positive. 

the captain’s arc is also relatively unique as it acknowledges the oppressive nature of his environment, but actually focuses on the internal consequences, and the way that systems like those that the captain lived in succeed because they turn us into our own oppressors. for whatever reason, we repress ourseslves, and often can’t help it, and i find that the significance of the journey to overcome that is often overlooked in more mainstream queer media. perhaps it’s just not very cinematic, or it remains too confronting for cishet audiences, but ghosts manages to touch on it with a lovely amount of humour and hope. Jamie Babbit’s But I’m A Cheerleader is another favourite piece of queer media for the same reasons.

not only does it show this, but as the captain continues to get gayer and lean into some of his less conventional traits (like an interest in fashion and the wedding planning), it shows lgbt people who have been or are going through this that there CAN be a positive outcome. it takes a lot to unlearn all the things that have painted you as wrong, especially when a massive institution is desperate to continue doing so, but you can do it, you can be happy, and it's never too late. (i've been meaning to say that last point for ages for ages, but a mutual beat me to it here)

2. not just another coming out arc

i absolutely support the demand for queer stories that don’t center around coming out (it’s like shrodinger’s queer: if you’re not coming out on screen, do you really even exist?), but i don’t align with the criticisms that the captain should already be out. for the reasons mentioned above, the captain’s particular story is fairly different to the ‘young white teenager who mostly knows gay is fine, it’s just everyone else that’s got the problem, but have a unremarkably straight sounding soundtrack, a trauma porn romance, and a cishet saviour’ that we keep seeing. the captain’s ongoing journey with his sexuality emphasises the overaching theme of the show: recovering from trauma and humanity’s endless capacity for growth, and i think that’s worth showing over and over again until it stops being true.

additionally, while the captain’s journey regarding his gayness is a big part of his character and story, ghosts makes it clear that it’s not the ONLY part, and being gay is far from his ONLY characteristic or dramatic/comedic engine. the fact that i’m even having to congratulate ghosts for doing that really shows how much film and television is struggling huh.

while all queer media is, and should be, subject to criticism, i think if it helps even one person then it absolutely deserves to exist, and i can say i’ve found the captain’s journey to be the lgbt story i’ve found that’s closest to my own, which says a lot considering he’s a dead world war 2 soldier who hangs out with other ghosts including a slutty Tory, a georgian noblewoman, and a literal caveman. 

3. if captain gay, why he no have boyfriend???? 

another complaint that’s been circulating is that since the captain doesn’t, and likely won’t, have a boyfriend, that makes him Bad Representation because it follows the sad single gay trope. i kind of get the logic from this one, and a lot of it is up to personal interpretation, but part of me really enjoys the fact that the captain’s journey towards accepting himself is separated from having a relationship.

coming out is often paired with having romantic/sexual relationships (either as the reason or reward for doing so). my own struggle with repression didn't end the second that came out, and i still struggle with letting myself develop & acknowledge romantic feelings as a result of actively shutting them (and most other feelings in general) down for years, and statistics show that lgbtq youth in particular tend not to live out their 'teen years' until their twenties. by not giving cap a relationship straight away, ghosts separates the act of claiming identity and sexual orientation from finding a partner (two things which are, more often than not, separate), and also provides some very nice validation to folks who have yet to have the relationship they want, especially when lots of mainstream queer media is now jumping on the cishet media bandwagon of acting as if every person loses their virginity and has a life defining relationship at sixteen. it’s essentially a continuation of the earlier theme of “it’s never too late”, and who’s to say the captain won’t get a gay bear ghost boyfriend to go haunt nazis with??? people die all the time, it could happen.

(also, i think him and julian will have definitely shagged at least once. it was a low moment for both of them and they refuse to speak of it.)

lots of asexual/ace spectrum fans have come out to say how much they’ve loved being able to headcanon cap as ace, and while that’s not a headcanon i personally have, i think it’s brilliant that ace fans feel seen by his character- we’re all in this soup together babey (and sorry for cursing everyone still reading this with that cap/julian headcanon. i’m just a vessel)

4. “okay, but cap’s a GHOST- doesn’t that make this Bury Your Gays?”

this is a bit of a complex one, but i’m going to say no as a result of the following break down.

Bury Your Gays (BYG), aka the trope where lgbtq characters are consistently killed off (and often with a heavy dose of trauma, while cishet characters survive) is probably one of my least favourite lgbt media tropes. BYG has two main points:

1. the lgbt character is killed, thus removing them from story entirely- hence the use of the phrase ‘killed OFF’ (killed off of the show/film)

2. the character’s death reinforces the perception that lgbtq people’s lives must end in tragedy, instead of being long and fulfilling, or are inherently less valuable. bonus points if the character is killed in a hate crime or confesses same-gender love right before they die (that one implies that queer love genuinely has no future!)

not every death of an lgbtq character is bury your gays, and i personally feel that the captain is an example of an lgbt death that isn’t. 

first of all, while the captain is dead, so are the vast majority of characters in ghosts. the premise of the show means that death is not the end of the line for its characters- for most of them, it’s the only reason we get to see them on screen at all. as such, the captain being dead doesn’t remove him from the story, so point one is irrelevant.

at the time of posting, we don’t know how or why the captain died, but we've had nothing to suggest his death was in any way related to his latent sexuality, so his mysterious death doesn’t actively play into the supposedly inherent tragedy of queer lives, nor the supposedly lesser value. that’s as of right now- since we don’t know the circumstances of his death it’s a little tough to analyse properly. while the captain’s life absolutely features missed opportunities and it’s fair share of tragedy, hope and growth (which seems to be the theme of this post) abounds in equal measure. the captain may not be alive, but we DO get to see him growing and having a relatively happy existence, that for the most part seems to be getting even better as he learns to open up and be himself unapologetically- that doesn’t feel like BYG to me.

while writng this, it’s just occured to me that death really is a second chance for most of the ghosts, especially with the introduction of alison. from mary learning to read, to thomas finding modern music, they’ve all been given the chance explore things they never could have while they were alive, and hopefully grow enough to one day be sucked off move on.

in conclusion,

i love the captain very much and i hope his arc lives up to the standards it’s set so far. i don’t know where to put this in this post, but i’d alo like to say i LOVE how in Perfect Day, the captain wasn’t used as an educational experienced for fanny at all. i am very tired of people expecting me to be the walking talking homophobe educator and rehabilitator, so the fact that it’s alison and the other ghosts that call fanny out while the captain just gets to have fun with the wedding organisation made me very happy.

here’s a few other cap posts that i’ve done:

the captain’s arc if adam and the film crew stayed

a possible cap coming out 

the captain backstory headcanon

if you’ve read this far,

thank you!

also check out @alex-ghosts-corner , this post inspired me very much to write this