#bengali americans

[doeeyeddyke]

Unemployed Muslim undergrad needs help with daily expenses.

Repost because the initial post lost traction but I'm still struggling.

I have no work but am currently the primary support for a family of 8. I am pulling from savings to barely cover bills, food, utility, gas, and assorted family expenses.

Any help including reblogs is appreciated.

ko-fi

c-app: purple0925

vmo/pp: hbm0925

$49/$250

[whales-are-gay]

it’s so fucked up that the catholic church exists. im sorry jewish people

[mymusicbias]

[mooonboy]

yall know what pisses me off when there are posts like "comment this in ur language" and there will be a reply that goes "in india we say *insert Hindi word*" like bro there are so many other languages in the countrywe don't need u speaking for the whole of india

[semiconducting]

my 2 cents that no one asked for but sometimes i see ethnicity hcs for the td characters and i notice that a lot of ppl hc courtney as mixed latina and asian of some variety (usually south asian, somehow specifically bengali which piqued my interest...as a bengali) but i remember that it was around tdas or something that fresh posted these like. bios or some shit and they like Forgot that courtney was previously stated to be latina n listed her as asian. or maybe it was a tweet from tom mcgillis or smth i don't remember exactly but! i get now these days ppl are like oh just make her Mixed. All Canon! and if i were to have gotten into total drama post-tdas i probably would say the same HOWEVER. AS A SOUTH ASIAN i dont like south asian courtney she's fully latina to me and that's how i've always seen her i can't change it

[vizthedatum]

সোনা/"Gold"

CW: Long-form poetry and prose of my childhood trauma (includes pretty bad details about physical abuse and self-harm. I say this without judgment, but you should not read this if you’re gonna diagnose me and/or be triggered by this content and any of the other content that I’ve posted. This is not for you. This is *my experience*, and I’m sharing it. I have a need to share my pain so I can release it, sit with it, and be okay with it. And I’ve chosen to do it on this side of fucking hellscape that is the internet.)

Excerpt of DNA by Cloudy June:

🎶I'm all you never wanted

Hi Mom, I'll always bе

The black sheep of the family

It's in my DNA

My DNA

Lalala lalala 

It's in my DNA

My DNA

Lalala lalala 

It's in my DNA

When you said "stay homе" I went out

Did the things you weren't allowed

Maybe you're jealous of me

No-Oh

You're scared cause they always warned ya

Saying "like mother, like daughter"

The rotten apple don't fall far

From the tree

Yeah, you know🎶

My mom was my first best friend. And she created me to be hers. 

I was her most favorite doll - I was her amusement and her joy. I was her inspiration and aspiration. I was her best student (did you know she taught me most of the art I know and a fuckton of math (up until calculus)? She taught me nail art. She taught me so many things. She’s crazy talented. And she’s still the best damn cook I’ve ever met.) I needed her - as most children do. I loved and craved her smell (I still do). I loved her style (I still do). I loved how she moved and how she always so poetically expressed her thoughts (I think I get that from her). She was enchanting. She was beautiful. She was my mother, and I adored her above anyone else… until my brother was born (because then he became my priority for the rest of my life).

Her voice and the songs she sings will always be my comfort. She is so beautiful, in a perfectly timeless way.

And I love her - always and forever. 

She was and is really hurt and traumatized. Generational trauma is a bitch, and anger and avoidance definitely run in the great Sen family… and in my family too. Immigration, a haphazardly arranged marriage to someone who doesn’t/didn’t acknowledge his own weaknesses and veers towards grandiosity in the face of absolute incompetence and mediocrity, most definite childhood and sexual trauma, and, sadly, very undiagnosed mental health issues that she doesn’t have the courage to talk about openly. And then a failed affair where I believe she felt truly loved and seen for the first time - he still wishes her happy birthday privately to me *every single year* (and I feel their forbidden love so deeply and viscerally that it physically hurts me). It’s often said: hurt people hurt people. (And you bet that me sharing all this will hurt her too. Is it abuse to be told that you can’t share what’s happened? Or is it abuse to share such privately held secrets? Hell if I know.) But yeah, she hurt me. I was her most prized possession, and I had to be perfect. But I wasn’t. Even when I did all the extracurriculars, the music, the sciences, the everything… even when I got into an Ivy League college. And yes, I struggled throughout it all - I was drowning, and it was obvious. 

(In Bangla)

“Stop being abnormal”

“Be sober/serious”

“Why did you lie to me?” Everything I did seemed to be wrong. Constantly. Having bad vision? Wrong. Not being able to swallow pills when I was younger? Wrong.

Making a joke that my violin case looked like a coffin? Wrong.

Watching Xena: Warrior Princess (oh god, I was so gay growing up)? Wrong. Looking like my father’s mother? Wrong.

A facial expression? Wrong.

Being too fat? Wrong.

Not eating? Wrong.

Not doing my swim strokes right? Wrong.

Not believing in her messed up worldview? Wrong.

Being sick and in chronic pain? Wrong.

Reading a book too fast? Wrong.

My refusal to do sex-work (the request was for all the wrong/convoluted reasons - trust me) so that I could save the family? Wrong.

Running from her and hiding in the bathroom and using all my strength to close the door while she tried to pry it open so that she could hurt me more? Wrong.

I remember everything - as I have often said, I’m conscious through all of it even when I dissociate. Every word of affection and every violent rant - I remember. I remember how it felt emotionally, physically, spiritually - and I remember feeling how she felt on the inside while she hit me. What hurt more? how she felt or the physical pain (because when you’re neurodivergent with chronic pain, and if you’re me I guess, then the pain starts to just not really register as pain. You can still feel it, but I can decontextualize it over time). So I guess - to be completely honest - her own self-harm (because hurting me was definitely self-harm) hurt me more than anything.

I remember looking at the clock behind her when she made me sit still while she would scream at me for hours. At least I was able to do my homework, swim, do all the fucking things, and practice violin quickly enough for there to be enough hours in the day, huh? I hid bruises and cuts and marks for years while “excelling” in school. I don’t even know how but I would somehow sneak Bengay to nurse myself in the closet. Then eventually I hid the marks/bruises I made myself.

I made myself to be the person she wanted - and it was different every single day. The mental load was immense. The physical load was even more. And then it all just circled around again.

She was so scared for me - she wanted me to succeed so badly. But in her view, I was failing and doomed to fail. 

She would often tell me that my behavior was a reflection on her. Well… she was right. She was absolutely right.

But I’m free now. I’m ending it. I’m ending the generational trauma. Is that naive to say?

She’s not free - and she’s still alive, just surviving. She has her creature comforts, but she’s not happy. And while I have boundaries with her now (no contact unless it has to do with my brother (or when my brother guilts her into sending me money)) — one day I will save her. You’re not ready now. But I will - I will save you when you’re ready because you’re still my best friend - you never stopped being mine. And when we embraced in October-November 2022, I knew that I never stopped being yours.

And no, this is not purely a trauma response. Because she’s drowning too and has no one. And while I can say that I want to choose my family (and I do! And am doing so!)… the pull of blood and culture will always be there.

তুমি আমার মা, আমার "মাদ্রে." আমি তোমার সোনা কিন্তু তুমিও আমার সোনা। Gold is malleable - we can change! We can still shine brilliantly and effulgently, even when the world bends us out of shape. I love you. I forgive you. I let you go. And one day, I hope, when you’re ready, I’ll save you, and we can truly be best friends anew.

[violentdevotion]

americans will go online and tell south asians 'well in america we only consider east asians asian, you're indian. i don't care what you think the middle east is also in asia. are you going to tell me theres any similarities between a turk and a korean. im very clever.' and in the next breath claim americans don't make everything about themselves

[i-wanna-b-yours]

bengali food is so underrated even in india and that makes me sob

[mishkakagehishka]

Oh my God he slapped her.

[tabzanite]

sometimes it genuinely escapes me that i have an identity that no one else has

i am me, yknow

[doeeyeddyke]

Help unemployed undergrad with daily expenses.

I'm pulling from cash and bank savings to barely cover bills, food, utility, and assorted family expenses but as a result can't afford personal expenses like food, travel, medical costs.

It would be a major help if I could get $250 or so covered within the next month.

Any help including reblogs is appreciated.

ko-fi

c-app: purple0925

vmo/pp: hbm0925

[crunchycrystals]

reading the henna wars and i have a feeling this book is going to break me a little bit

[kethabali]

man those canned beans/lentils will never compare to raw soaked beans that are boiled at home they just have this richness and depth of flavor those canned ones don't have

[chaos-and-all]

the desi girl urge to wear a saree out and about with no occasion vs. the desire to conform to the north american image and wear western clothes

[rassvian]

[what-even-is-thiss]

Some free or inexpensive comprehensible input, audio and video lessons, and listening practice stuff for popular languages because idk I felt like googling some stuff today

Arabic: Yale k-16 interactive reading, Arabic Comprehensible, Egyptic

Bengali: Bangla Shekho, Bengali Fairy Tales

Chinese (Mandarin): Comprehensible Chinese, hackingchinese.com, Acquire Mandarin, Comprehensible Mandarin, Blabla Chinese, Easy Mandarin, Mandarin Click

English: English Comprehensible input for ESL beginners, Dreaming English, EnglishClass101, British Council LearnEnglish, News in Slow English

French: French Comprehensible Input, alice ayel, Easy French, innerfrench.com, Little Talk in Slow French, Francais Authentique

German: DW Learn German, Naturlich German, Comprehensible German, Easy German, Löwenzahn, Deutsch Direkt, Learn German With Falk

Greek (modern): Natural Languages TRPS Greek, Helinka, Hellinic American Union, Easy Greek, Greekpod101

Greek (ancient): Easy Latin (Greek Course), Alpha With Angela (biblical [Kione] Greek), Chihon Teaches, Ancient Greek in Action, Athenaze

Hebrew: The Hebrew Adventure, Free Hebrew (Biblical Hebrew), Hebrew Time, thehebrewcafe.com

Hindi: Comprehensible Hindi, HindiPod101, Hindi TV, Easy Hindi

Hungarian: FluentBox, Magyar Hungarian, Speak Hungarian With Angie, Easy Hungarian,

Icelandic: Icelandic For Foreigners, icelandiconline.com, Ylhyra, Viltu laera islensku,

Italian: Italian For Americans, Easy Italian, Learn Italian With Lucrezia, teacherstefano.com

Japanese: Comprehensible Japanese, DailyJapanese, Akane Japanese Class, iroironanihongo, Japanese Immersion With Asami, Speak Japanese Naturally, Learn Japanese with Tanaka san,

Korean: Comprehensible Input Korean, Korean Patch, Immersion in Korean, Intuit Korean, Learn Korean in Korean, Hello Jadoo, MAVOCA, Storytime in Korean, Talk to Me in 100% Korean

Latin: Easy Latin, ScorpioMartianus, Quomodo Dicitur?, Found In Antiquity, The London Latin Course

Portuguese: Teach Yourself Portuguese, The Sounds of Portuguese, Portuguese With Leo, Easy Portuguese

Russian: Comprehensible Russian, Easy Russian, About Russian in Russian, Russian With Max, Russian from Russia, Real Russian Club

Spanish: Dreaming Spanish, Teacher Catalina. Hola Spanish, Easy Spanish,