#best part of being an adult is having my own money to buy these things

[themsthenow]

DUDE DUDE DUDE I AM OBSESSED WITH THE STUFF YOU MADE OMFG. the wings and the claws im!!!! im feral rn. holy shit

do you have any advice on where to get started if someone were wanting to make something like that of their own? or just generally propmaking for cosplay stuff, god knows i need to find a way to make wings of Some Form to appease the hyperfixation lol

love this stuff it's so cool holy hell

Wow, hey thank you for the nice words :).

In terms of advice, I'd say just be prepared for random stuff to go wrong.

DOWN SCALE.

Unless you have the wide open space required to house an extra entity, I'd say down scale it and make the wing span smaller, because I literally cannot put these anywhere lol. Me and my friends were measuring them by an estimated version of Tessa's height, assuming she was an adult Australian (160cm) and not a dead child wearing robot. The original wing span ended up being almost three and a half Tessas. Down scaling is definitely recommended.

Then going on to material, I'm going to be honest, I don't really know what any good substitutes for what I've been using. The best thing I can think of would be like cutting up one of those big umbrellas you see in like outdoor seating areas because they are built to be sturdy and light enough to to transport places. The blade part of the wings were made out of cheapo yoga mats, they are not Eva foam(idk if Eva foam is more expensive, but cheapo worked for me), they are some kind of material similar to insulation sheets just slightly thicker, I have the cutting patterns on the blog (the mats are 140x50x1cm) . Springs are something similar to "helical extension springs"(they pull things together, like trampoline springs) the strength of these will vary depending on how and if you downscale the over all project.

The general wing mechanism had to be redone a little bit but the new design is just based off an umbrella. It's good to use when you fold it in that the sections form a square in between the joints as a reference because it makes it easier to translate to the wings when drilling holes. The grey moving bar is on the outside now👇

I'll be reall, this part👆 needs a bit of precision. The two holes at the bottom have to be the exact same distance and stuff as each other so the mechanism works. You could probably find a way to optimise the mechanism but I did not (this was just easier for me at least)

The way all the blade parts go up is kinda cheesing it if you want all individual parts to work perfectly without extra materials. I was tying a string together on the bars and it worked to space the wings as I wanted to.

All in all, I'm going to be making a big ol summary post detailing all the stuff whenever I'm done fully.

Until then, I hope this helps, good luck to you and don't be afraid to make mistakes :).

(it's only a mistake if you give up)

Prop making and cosplay in general are things I probably can't comment on because I have never done cosplay and most of the prop things, I make are made out of random trash I can find that would cost dumb money if you went out to buy it new.

These for example are gutter or house liner plastic that was left over from a building site (gloves were uber cheap) and they were tedious and smelly to cut out and melt over an open flame, but if you want to do this too wear a mask for saftey unless you don't care about your lungs (which you should)

The claws were a lot easier to make. Easy enough that I made two sets (I think I went through the process of making these already)

[davesbigwhirlwind]

My uncle made me into a nerd

I just wasn't that academic I used to tell my mum - she disagreed - she thought I was just lazy. She was probably right.

I was 16 and leaving school and I didn't have any plans. So my mum announced that she'd spoken to my uncle, who had kindly offered to give me a job as the office junior at the firm he owned. As he lived and worked far away, it had been agreed that I would live with him.

The following Sunday I got the 2 hour train to my uncle's, where he met me at the station.

My uncle was quite a traditional man - he had a fully, neatly trimmed beard, fairly short coiffured hair, and generally wore tweed jackets and cardigans, and was seldom seen without a tie, and loved to smoke a pipe. He was a serious man, and definitely not one to have a joke - he could also have something of a short fuse, and could be a man of few words. Despite this, we had a good chat, and he seemed genuinely pleased that I was going to be working for him - he said that he felt I had great potential, and that he was sure I would do well - I just needed to follow his instruction and do my best.

I knew my uncle would want me to be fairly smart for the office, so I'd brought my old school trousers and shirts to wear in the week. I mentioned this to him, and he said we'd sort everything in the morning.

I settled into the spare room, which was a big, comfortable room with a double bed, chest of drawers, TV and big wardrobe which was currently half full of all sorts of stuff, such as an old computer, boxes of paperwork and some old clothes.

Monday morning came, and when I got out of the shower and there was a multi-packet of briefs and white vests on my bed. My uncle passed my room and said to put on the underwear and then he would be back - I explained I already had underwear that was fine to wear, but he said it made sense that I wore what he had got for me as it was new, and could I just do it please.

I did as he asked, to save starting off on the wrong foot, and then my uncle came in "Right, we'd better get you ready for your first day at work! Are you excited?" I assured him I was, and was ready to get stuck in. He said he had sorted some clothes for me to wear, but I reminded him that I had already brought some trousers and white shirts with me. "Oh no, you don't want to be wearing your school uniform! You're an adult now, so it's only right that you look the part. Now, I've looked out some clothes I don't use that will be perfect, given that we're a similar size - and you're welcome to keep them." I said I could buy anything that I needed, but he said that wasn't necessary, and I should save my money, and he was only too happy for me to make full use of these things that had just sat in his wardrobe. This was clearly an instruction rather than an offer. 

I looked at what my uncle was wearing - a pair of bluey-grey wool trousers and a pale grey check shirt, with a dark grey tie with cream stripes through it - he always looked a very washed out, as he generally only wore shades of grey or bluey-grey, with only his brown shoes adding any colour, and everything always looked very old fashioned. I could only hope that the clothes he was offering had been rejected by him for being too casual or colourful.

He went over to the dresser and opened the top drawer and pulled out a pair of chocolate brown socks which he passed to me. I looked a bit confused. "Put them on" he said - I genuinely hadn't understood, as I could believe that anyone would think that a 16 year old boy would wear brown. I slipped the socks on, and he instructed me to pull them up. I did so. He then went to the wardrobe and pulled out a shirt that was very similar to his - a cream colour with a check running through it. I buttoned it up. It seemed very baggy and long in the body, but my uncle assured me that was the style. Next, he pulled out the most horrible pair of flannel trousers. They were a mid-brown colour, made with thick wool and tailored loosely - again, I said I'd just wear my own trousers, but this time he was clear "put them on." I grudgingly took the trousers from him. They were very rough texture and surprisingly heavy. I slipped them on and as I pulled them up my legs I could feel the coarse material rubbing against my leg. It felt horrible. I pulled them up and on buttoning them up I found they fitted my waist perfectly. The twin pleats meant there was extra fabric which then made for a wider trouser than the normally skinny jeans I'd normally wear. Sharp creases ran down the middle of each leg and then a turnup at the bottom gave extra weight which anchored the trousers which then hid part of my foot, due to being wider than I was used to. 

I was then told to do up my top button. I did so but it was really tight! I was then passed a brown tie with beige stripes. I tied it and my uncle then clipped on a solid tie bar about a third of the way down which attached to the shirt - very similar to one he was wearing. "You'll always want to wear one of these as it stops your tie getting in the way"

"Now, shoes," he said digging into the bottom of the wardrobe. "I bought this pair but they were too big for me, so I bought another pair in the size smaller, so I'm thinking these will fit you perfectly. He then presented a pair of highly polished tan brogues. They were covered in intricate stitching and decorative small holes in the leather and with a row of very fine laces running up the middle. I recognised them. They were identical to the pair my uncle was wearing. I said something about hard leather not being good for my feet, but he assured me I would soon get used to them. He pushed them onto my feet and then tied the laces tightly. What between the collar cutting into my neck and now the shoes restricting my ancles, I was not feeling so good, and that was before the horror of the suggestion of having to wear this outfit out of the house!

My uncle had one last surprise up his sleeve, as he showed me a tweed blazer in a light tan colour, wide lapels, and a longer, boxy fit. it was again heavy and felt too big. My uncle did up the top button of the two on the front and declared it perfect. I was then shepherded downstairs to be paraded in front of my aunt, who declared me to look very handsome, and that the colours really suited me. 

My uncle explained that he had tried wearing shades of brown for a short time, but he felt grey suited him better, so he relegated those clothes to the back of his wardrobe. I thought back to when I'd looked in the wardrobe and the various being brown, fawn, cream colours in the wardrobe - it now dawned on me that these weren't just random clothes that had been put there for storage....

There was a big mirror in the hallway, and I stopped to stare. I looked ridiculous. If you chopped my head off you'd think I was a middle-aged man (or older!) as no-one under 50 would wear any of these clothes, or in any of these colours. And this look definitely didn't suit me, and nor did it go with my lovely hair which flowed freely to just below my shoulders and with the gently tussled look that I had perfected after getting out of the shower. At least my hair was there to express my personality.

"Right, will we go then?" my uncle said. I nodded grudgingly. He opened the front door and gestured for me to walk in front of him to head to the car on the drive. I took one step 'clack.' And another 'clack.' I then walked closer to the car 'clack. clack. clack.' I lifted one of my feet and looked at the sole, fitted with metal plates. I then remembered you can also hear my uncle coming a mile off. I'm used to it now, but it always used to take me by surprise, as, on any hard surface you would hear his shoes clacking as he walked. People would look up and stare. Now this was me too. Though, to be honest people would stare anyway given what a 16 year old boy was wearing, but this would mean they'd get an audible alert.

We travelled in silence to the office. I was reflecting to the last half hour. It was really bad. the only saving grace was there was no-one I knew was there to see me.

We arrived. I got out the car. I took a couple of steps, still trying to get used to both the slippery soles of my shoes and the noise they made. My uncle strided off towards the door. I followed him into the office, both off us clattering down the polished wood floors in our polished brogue shoes. Everyone instinctively looked up. With that racket, who could blame them, and also I guess in heralded the arrival of the boss. Many pairs of eyeballs stared at me.

We reached the corner and he pointed to a desk as part of a group of 4 "this is yours, take a seat" now this is Sally, Daniel and Mark. And this is Alexander" I said hi to each of them. Sally was probably 60 and I knew to be my uncles secretary. Daniel was around my uncles age and I found out was office manager, while Mark was a graduate who had joined the firm the previous summer. 

"Make yourself comfortable, and we'll talk through your induction shortly" I sat down, and Mark sat next to me did a bit of small talk, and we got onto the fact I'd just left school. "was it public school? by any chance?" Mark asked. I said no and asked why he'd said that. "Well, it's just based on your outfit, I can only imagine that someone from public school might have clobber like that!" I explained that my uncle had had a guiding hand in the outfit. "Ahh, that explains it - I'm surprised you got away with that hair in that case" I queried this "well he made me get my hair cut shorter because he said it looked too messy." I looked at Mark's hair it wasn't long but it just about reached the collar of the shirt he was wearing, and just above his eyebrows, brushed to the side. He looked a bit surfer-like. "I love my hair, so there's no way I'm cutting it" I said.

The morning went quite quickly. Everyone was friendly. I took my jacket off as soon as I could, as all the other men were just wearing open shirts, so I felt over dressed (as well as being downed in a sea of turd-coloured clothing).

It got to 12.30 and my uncle said "right, grab your jacket, we're going out." I grabbed it and clicked along behind him. He turned round "well put your jacket on then" which I did while trying to keep up with him as we headed to the car. 

We parked up and headed to an open doorway, and I found myself in a barbershop. My uncle had a few words of greeting and then pointed to me "This is Alexander. He needs smartening up, as we discussed" I was told to take my jacket off and sit straight in the chair. 

I said I just wanted a light trim, as I was being caped up, but the barber patted me on the shoulder and told me to just relax, as my uncle had already sorted everything.

My hair was about a maximum of about 10 inches long at the front, and maybe 4 or 5 inches at the back - it was all swept back in quite a loose, bohemian style that I loved. I really didn't want to loose that style.

Before I could say another word the barber had his clippers in his hand and with a comb he was pulling out my hair from the side of my head about an inch or so and then cutting off the remaining hair. Massive long stands of hair were falling to the ground. This was years' of growth. "I really want to keep the length on top" I blurted out. The barber just smiled vaguely. This combing and clipping continued round the back and to the other side of my head, so that the hair on the sides was now drastically shorter, though still a little bit shaggy, and just nestled on the top of my ears. It was already way shorter than I would like. He then started on the top though this time leaving maybe 3-4 inches of length. I was devastated. He then dragged the comb down my head causing a slight pain on my head, and leaving a very precise parting down the left side of my head, as he combed the hair carefully to each side.

This done, he now turned back to the sides and using his comb, he now angled it downwards and swiped more hair off the side of my head. This time about half an inch of hair fell, and I could soon see that he was leaving shorter hair of only about an eighth of an inch at the bottom and blending upwards to maybe half an inch higher up, and progressing round my head once more. He then took a smaller razor and went round my ears and then also cut a line across the top of my sideburns, and I could feel him carving a line across the back of my head.

On the side of the brand new part he then continued with clipper and comb taking the length of all of the hair to the part line progressively longer, but the maximum length still only being about three quarters of an inch. Then across the top of my head he did some snipping with the scissors but with only very small specks of hair flying off. He then went around the upper sides blending the shorter sides with the longer length. This was all looking very short.

Finally, he then brushed down the long hair at the front and cut across my forehead at a diagonal, leaving long hair by the part which hung just above my eyebrow and finishing near the top of my head on the right side of my face. 

Suddenly the chair was tilted back and shaving foam slapped on my face. My little facial hair was quickly removed, and I could feel him shaving off my entire sideburns. On being returned upright, I could see that my face looked very pale following the removal of my attempts at facial hair - while the hair on my head made me look like some sort of preppy American Highschooler with the side part hanging loosely over my forehead. The barber took some gel in his hands and ran it through my hair working outwards from the part line. He then took the hair at the front of my head and flicked it upwards and to the side creating a small ridge. 

"Done" he announced proudly. My uncle stood up "excellent, now Alexander looks like a man you'd be proud to walk beside. Excellent work."

The barber showed me the back, which was a short blocked taper, where less than an hour before had been my beautiful mane. My neck was so pale! I saw what was a very standard business man's haircut. I guess it's exactly what my uncle would choose. In fact, it was just a shorter version of his haircut really. We definitely had matching side partings now. It was too grim for words. But he was the boss.

Back at the office, I felt even more embarrassment and we both clacked through the office, and me - not just a vision in brown, but now with my short business man's haircut. On sitting down, Mark whistled "that's some haircut you got there. Thought there was no way you were cutting it?" "Well my uncle made me realise that shorter hair is easier to manage when you've got a job." Neither of us bought that - it was blatantly obvious from the style of what was on my head that only one person had had any input into my new conservative haircut, and my new outfit, and it wasn't me.

Back at the house, my aunt was thrilled with my cut, and said how I looked like my uncle when he was younger!

I took my jacket off and sat down. I undid my top button, and started untying my shoes as my uncle jumped in - "we don't take out ties or shoes off until we retire to bed", he admonished me. I grudgingly re-tied. 

"Now, I've a treat for you - as a working man, you deserve a treat, and I'd like you to join me in a pipe." Now, he smoked regularly, but I had no interested - and in fact, I hated even the smell. I'd never smoked, and didn't want to. I politely declined.

He opened his drawer next to his seat and took out two pipes. One was newly boxed, he passed that one to me. I unwrapped it. He showed me how to roll tobacco and pack a pipe. He gave me a tobacco pouch, and lighter. Mine to keep he said. He then lit my pipe for me and put it in my mouth "now breath it" I tried not to breath in much, but even the little I did made me cough. "and again" I tried and coughed more. We continued this for about 20 minutes until the nicotine was making me feel faint. It certainly wasn't a treat.

By the end of week one I was hating it. The daily outfit remained identical, other than alternating between tweed blazers, shirts and ties, all in earthy shades. And he kept making me persevere with the pipe. I was coughing less but really didn't like it, and I now stank of tobacco.

I'd been getting on well with Mark - I think he felt sorry for me, and invited me out on Saturday with my mates. My uncle was happy to agree. I explained I'd like to wear my own clothes, but my uncle couldn't understand it - if you have good quality smart clothes available, why would you want to wear lesser clothes. And also all my old clothes had mysteriously disappeared. This wasn't a new work wardrobe. This was my only wardrobe.

Mark smirked when I entered the pub - "do you ever not dress like a grandad" he said.

We had a company away day which included some drinks afterwards. A couple of the guys said they were going for a cigarette, and my uncle said we'd join them. He got his pipe out and nodded to me. I shook my head, but he gave me THE look. I grudgingly got my pipe out. We lit up. Mark looked at me with disbelief. I could understand it. Here I was dressed in brown tweed, with the geekiest haircut and smoking a pipe. I was a lost cause.

[atinystraykid]

I’m resorting to asking strangers for advice: I’m autistic and have higher support needs, in the sense that I get panic attacks and meltdowns so frequently that it leaves me unable to hold down a job. My meltdowns are highly visible: I get so agitated that I throw up, I’m crying uncontrollably and I’m unable to speak or understand verbal instructions during these moments. These meltdowns happen by overwhelm, and I’m easily overwhelmed by any social interactions (especially groups/crowds but really any human interaction). 

However, I do not struggle with basic taking care of myself (such as dressing, washing or feeding myself) and I am doing fairly well at home, where it doesn’t matter that I can not mask and I do not need to be around people outside of my family. I am an adult living with his mom and probably would struggle with living completely on my own, but with my current living arrangements I can do many everyday tasks independently, such as buying groceries or doing laundry or filling out paperwork. 

Now the issue: as my doctor has confirmed that I’ll be permanently disabled and unable to work (but I obviously still need money to survive), I applied to what’s essentially “early retirement for medical reasons”. It feels a little weird to apply for retirement at 30 years old, but both me and my doctor considered that the best option, just based on the fact that I’ll have a higher quality of life if I experience meltdowns less frequently.  

However, my therapist has been really pushing for another option: an assisted daytime living facility. You are part of a group of 15 disabled adults, there are 5 caregivers around, you are given daily tasks (they operate a little store, but it’s not comparable to a regular job as the tasks are really, really simple - my task would be breaking wax for candles into smaller pieces) and you’re being taken care of for four hours a day. I see why this would be great for some people but I do not really consider that suitable for me: I went there for a consultation and it’s really heavily geared towards people who need daily assistance with basic taking care of themselves. I’m sure it’s a lovely place for people who need assistance with bathroom visits, meals etc. but that’s not where my support needs lay. 

I told my therapist that I don’t think it’s a good fit, but he got very insistent and honestly made me feel as if my life will be ruined if I don’t do it, and also made me feel guilty towards my mom (in the sense of “these facilities exist so parents can get a break from taking care of their disabled adult children”). That got to me and I agreed to apply for a two-week trial period there. That’d start next week… but the closer it gets, the more terrified I am. 15 people (20 people in total with the caregivers!) is a large group to me, and I already know I don’t fare well in groups. 

For the last few days, I have been getting panic attacks just thinking about being there. My mom is really worried about that and thinks I should cancel the trial because it’ll just make things worse, and I’m inclined to agree. If I already feel this bad before the trial, how will I manage actually working there? - but on the other hand, there’s my therapist who will be really upset if I cancel. Plus, I worry it’s rude to cancel so late. And I do not know yet if the government will approve my application for early retirement due to medical reasons, so maybe I should keep my options open? 

I’m really torn and do not know what to do, so I’m asking strangers for neutral advice. Any opinions or thoughts?

[seeminglydark]

1. would caro and john be into the tv show, the x-files? would they buy tapes of the episodes and talk about their own conspiracies and guess about the outcomes of the episodes.

2. also your comic has help peak my interest for the supernatural and conspiracy theories. what are some stories or theories that you’ve learned about that you have found the most interesting? and were you a believer before starting your comics or has your interest grown as you’ve continued with your comics.

3.lastly, i’m trying to buy more secondhand items and become the diy punk that i’ve aspired to be since high school (too afraid since i was a closeted trans man and living with an unaccepting family), any tips?

i, like john, try to stay away from modern tech as much as i can. i’m able to stay off my phone for the most part and rarely use my computer but i’ve been looking around and audiobooks on cassette are kinda expensive around me so i like to narrate book as i read them in paperback. i was wondering if canonically john uses resources such as the library and what his favorite books and movies are. i love horror and am just now getting into sci-fi and i love watching movies on my vcr + tv combo and i sometimes use a blu-ray player for more rare or expensive (at least in vhs format) movies.

sorry for the long winded paragraph, i’m unfortunately unable to escape my strict household (despite being an adult) until i find a job and am able to save every cent. i also tend to isolate myself so i have no friends to help me out. sorry to vent to you about this but i just wanted to end this by saying your comic and characters inspire me and give me hope that i’ll be okay once i’m free.

YES. John is obsessed with x-files. every once in a while you can see he has the iconic 'i want to believe' poster in his younger years on his walls. He still has it as an adult. both caro and john like watching those together, they also enjoy the twilight zone, charmed, Buffy (they they agree the corny movie from '92 is the best) and those old Bruce Campbell shows noones heard of, re: Brisco County Jr. I think as kids they theorize, and as adults they talk about everything everyone gets wrong, now that they know how these things really work. John can always guess WhoDunnit.

Ive always been interested in the idea of the supernatural. im a big skeptic though, ill be honest there, even though ive had many 'experiences' myself. i kinda like the idea of the unbelievable. definitely making the comics has peaked my interest in things i wasn't too keenly aware of before, like cryptids. im fascinated by the concept of Missing 411, and missing people who reappear somewhere else, but Liminal Spaces hold my heart specifically. ive always been keenly aware of the off feeling in those places before i even knew what that meant. i love scouring the internet for images of things like abandoned hotels that give me a weird kind of uneasy, most of the things people tag as Liminal aren't really that, so its a scavenger hunt to find something that fits my idea of it. coming up with the lore of my stories has been an adventure. my interest has definitely grown, more in places and phenomenon than in ghosts specifically.

there are so mnay things you can do to diy punk stuff, in my opinion thats the best and most rewarding way. it sounds to me that you need to start small and slow for your safety, so let me reassure you right here anon, that punk is a set of ideals, and not just fashion. youre still punk no matter what youre wearing. a jacket or vest is always a good place to start, you can literally buy ANYTHING at the thift store that strikes your fancy. this is a canvas you will be adding too for as long as its yours. once you have your canvas, its time to create, and there is literally no wrong way to do this. you can use paint markers, embroidery, bleach, ect. dont have money for spikes and studs? you can use soda can tabs and bend them, metal lighter caps, hell even staples and safety pins always look cool. you can make your own badges by bending metal soda or beer caps around a soda tab with a safety pin through it and then paint whatever you want on the cap. dental floss is what you usually see when punks have the white stitching on their pants and jackets, its durable and doesn't break, since crust and gutter punks need tough clothes that last. if you're worried about your family, i would personalize it first in small secret ways that are just for you, such as a message beneath your collar as seen here on my friends jacket. and here, and here! he hides patches on the inside as well! Im including a pic of john hiding a patch on caros varsity jacket as well. i will post my jackets one day, my camera is broken but i figured id share his since he hides things more than i do!

John absolutely uses the library, its a fantastic resource for SO many things, depending on where you're located. He would also probably use a digital reader later, because many of them you can get library cards on and borrow books that way. he is not a strong reader so he mostly reads books that may be under his age level, like goosebumps, but who cares, do what you enjoy. movie wise hes very obsessed with cosmic horror (hence the UFO tattoo) his favorites are Alien, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space and the Blob from the 80s. both he and Caro love the original Evil Dead franchise, horror comedy like American Werewolf in London, lost boys, etc.

Thank you, Anon, for the long winded paragraph. You asked some really fun questions for me to answer, i love nothing more than to talk about my characters, it was a really nice little break from editing a new podcast episode. I am so so sorry about your situation, and i am sending you all the best and all the love and strength that you can come out of this free and on the other side and live as yourself. If my comics and characters stories can provide a tiny bit of hope that its going to be ok, than ive succeeded at what i set out to do. wishing you all the best. and look into your library, they may have resources to help you with this as well.

[theprologues]

Happy New Year all!! 🥳

If I’m being honest, and I feel that I should, I’m completely disillusioned by Kaylor. I don’t have the wherewithal to pick up the pieces anymore. I’m not sure what game they are playing and if it’s something I can even watch anymore. I’m tired yes. I didn’t have a countdown to something happening ie with the end of 2023 comes my abandonment. No it’s not like that because I’ve been watching the ship leave port for a long time and I can only be so patient. The truth is things haven’t been the same since the pandemic. This year we did get something big we got Karlie at the eras tour!! But like everything that surrounds their PR and like everything that relates to Kaylor it’s wrapped in a new beard and a weird seating arrangement that ignites the haters. I use to think the girls are playing the long game but now I’m not sure they are playing at all and maybe have chosen that the closet is what’s best for their family. It’s not my place to accept this even if it’s hard. There’s only so much information I have to what’s going on. But I’m tired of the money grabbing greed. Even though their wealth isn’t personal it feels it when they both are choosing this path for whatever reason I’m not privy to. It feels personal, this could be because I’ve had the worst financial year of my life…it’s hard to watch all the greed and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. The greed. If it’s not about greed and it’s about protection from my point of view and I’m sure others this is what it looks like. Thousand dollar tickets to the concert, three different albums with different songs on them but the songs you want, limited time vinyls which aren’t limited. Stunting on Christmas at the football game why because she wants those fans to buy movie tickets? $20 to rent concert movie at home. She is already a billionaire. We are about to be in a recession. The girls are not a princess’s trapped in a castle they are grown adults who can make their own decisions even if we don’t understand the decisions they make.

I don’t know where to go from here. It’s no secret I’ve stepped back as many others have. It makes me sad to watch things go this way. I miss the 2018 2019 Kaylor world we had. Maybe this if for my own good to focus on my wedding and my own 2024 instead of watching and waiting for something to happen in other peoples lives. I love Kaylor very much and I’m still rooting for them. The celebrity circus I’m taking a step back from. The real love music muse I’ll always have a place for. 🖤

[quibbs126]

Hi, I’m sorry if this isn’t any help, but do you know why you’re avoiding the real world so much? Berating yourself won’t help. If you wanna solve a problem u gotta find the root cause and take steps from that cause.

Well if I had to take a guess

Real world issues, or at least the ones I consider significant, always stress me out greatly, and I feel like I have an avoidant take when it comes to things that stress me out; namely, that I try to avoid them until they go away. Unfortunately, that’s a lot of things when it comes to the real world. Doesn’t help I’m a raging procrastinator

Unfortunately this can happen the other way around and I can miss opportunities because I simply choose not to act on something. And I recognize that waiting around probably makes situations worse, but for me, that’s just how I do thing, and I think the problem will just solve itself, so I should just ignore it

And not to mention, I basically know nothing about the real world, and how I’m supposed to interact with it. I’m 20, but I don’t feel like an adult, I think that’s still to come later after I’m done with school; I still have the mind of a teenager, if not younger. I don’t even have much of a concept of money. Talk about anything in the 1000s or higher and you’ve lost me on the specifics of how expensive that is, other than it’s expensive; $10,000 and $100,000 mean the same thing to me, other than $100,000 being ten times more. I don’t understand taxes or salaries or mortgages. I don’t understand what’s a good salary or not, so long as it’s money. I don’t understand how you’re supposed to interact with other people. I don’t even know what size pants I wear, because I don’t buy my clothes, my parents do. They take care of pretty much everything, and thus I don’t know much of anything, that’s adult stuff

And I’m well aware that I don’t know anything, and I know that you shouldn’t try and deal with areas you’re unfamiliar with, so I don’t bother with all of that, especially not without consulting my parents. I wouldn’t even make appointments for things about school without asking them when’s best or telling them that I’m doing so

I don’t want to be so reliant on them, but the reality is that I am, and that’s not gonna change anytime soon, especially not if I end up taking online schooling and I have to live with them full time again. I like my freedom to go outside for a random walk whenever, and to eat what I want and buy what I want, even if 90% of those expenditures is just food

I’m well aware that I’m incredibly sheltered. One time in college I had someone genuinely think that I was homeschooled, when in reality I’ve been publicly schooled all my life, and I went to pre-school for years before that. But I have so little an understanding of the world and the people in it that I don’t blame her for thinking that

Not to mention, I just don’t understand real consequences. They aren’t a thing in my mind. My family’s never really had to struggle, at least not to a point I’m aware, and I’ve never been punished that bad. I think my worst ever punishment is getting yelled at, and have my video games taken away until a certain point or until I do the thing I got yelled at for not doing. And so in my mind’s eye, that’s the worst that can happen, that I get reprimanded for my own actions/inaction and life continues. I mean, part of that is because I’ve never done something that bad, but still. I don’t have a concept of the consequences of failing college or not getting a degree. My parents do, since neither of them went to college, hence why they want me to, but I don’t. I don’t understand what it’s like to be poor or homeless, or how bad a minimum wage job is or not being able to pay bills. I’ve never experienced them or anything remotely similar, so I just don’t understand that these concepts exist. It’s like a video game to me, the stakes aren’t really there. And that’s not to say I want those things to happen to me, far from it, but in my head they’re more like fictional concepts. So I don’t see much point to them. I know they’re important, but only because someone tells me they are

The real world leaves me scared and stressed, and I don’t know the first thing about it. I don’t know what’s reliable information about it and what isn’t, because people will lie or just not know. And because I don’t want to make a fool of myself and I just end up getting stressed out, I avoid it and instead turn to shows, video games, drawing and fandoms

In a video game, they don’t expect you to know everything right out of the gate, and they’ll tell you. There’s no consequences to asking questions to things you don’t understand, and they’re usually not too difficult of concepts to understand in the first place. And games usually are pretty good at telling you what you need to do and giving you the knowledge to do so, I don’t have to do a lot of guesswork as to what I’m supposed to do or how to approach a situation, and if I do, then that’s usually a consequence of bad game design. And you have to rely on your own knowledge to progress, and I feel accomplishment when I do something right, and the game rewards me in some way too

And drawing is the only real world skill I have, and I’m proud of myself when it turns out good. It’s an actual skill I’ve cultivated myself and continue to cultivate, even if I forget to draw a lot or have trouble figuring it out sometimes. And it’s something I can show the world. Not much to anyone in the real world, especially not my family since I doubt they’re interested in my fanart, but I can at least show them to the Internet

And while fandom isn’t the nicest place to be, interacting on these spaces requires knowledge that I actually have and am interested in, and people actually will listen to what I say, and sometimes even agree with me. It’s one of the only places I feel an iota of smartness, even if I can’t be that analytical because my brain isn’t like that naturally and tends to see very surface level things, or deeper things I just can’t express in words

And just all in all, those things make me happy. Yeah I feel guilt at night that I favor those things instead of dealing with real world stuff, but they’re all I know and have

At least I think that’s part of the reason why. I don’t know for sure and I don’t know if I worded it all correctly

[causetheturtle]

Thoughts while rewatching season 3 of Riverdale:

1. K why did Alice’s farm style slay so hard? Like she looked so great

2. Love how Archie is literally in this prison FOR FUCKING MURDER and still nobody is scared of him - they saw this man in his nice little shoes his rich girlfriend gave him and were like “yeah this man is ducking useless”

3. VERONICA STOP BUYING YOUR BOYFRIEND NICE THINGS WHILE HE’S IN PRISON! He’s just gonna get this shit stolen your dad was in jail how do you not know how a prison works?

4. It’s so sad that the normies got hold of the “epic highs and lows of high school football” line because it really is such a perfect Archie line - this man is naive and kind hearted enough to believe a game of football is all that’s needed to fix the structurally broken prison system but if you haven’t watched the show and don’t know anything about Archie then it’s obviously gonna seem ridiculous

5. Riverdale relationship drama is so funny cause it’s like “Betty had a stress related seizure due her mother and sister joining a cult and didn’t tell Jughead” or “Veronica isn’t sure of the best way to help Archie through his time in prison”

6. Kevin asking Moose if he’s embarrassed by him of course he is Kevin have you met yourself? Your literally the worst

7. Organising a musical number and cheerleading routine for her boyfriend while he plays a game of football in prison is actually the most normal reaction Veronica Lodge has ever had to any situation ever

8. Realising I talk about Riverdale the same way all of the G&G players talk about G&G

9. Imagine being an adult in Riverdale and hearing that a new bar opened up under Pop’s and going for a night out to check it out but you get there and it’s just a load of teenagers doing musical numbers and drinking mocktails

10. Why is FP’s immediate reaction to any situation ever to just grab his son’s face and yell at him? Begging for this man to have a normal non-abusive reaction to something just one time

11. Will never stop thinking about the Midnight Club. It was the first episode of Riverdale I really watched and it’s still one of my favourites. Like the way all of the parents tried so hard and came so close to breaking their moulds and forging their own paths but they never did and just fell into exactly what the world and the people around them wanted to be AND how their kids are all in the same situation now? The narrative, the cycles, the generational trauma! This episode has everything

12. Knowing now that Sheriff Keller actually WAS into guys the whole time and it was just that he didn’t want to be with Moose’s dad makes the whole situation so much funnier

13. The idea that they were all booking out the bunker for certain nights a week is so funny - like did they have physical a schedule? Who kept the schedule? Did it just sit in like the offices of the Blue and Gold?

14. I fucking love Archie and Josie together and have fully convinced myself that Josie is somehow California Women

15. It needs to be studied what exactly the Heathers episode did to my brain because that one episode of TV completely rewired my brain chemistry and changed the trajectory of my life

16. It’s so sad that the happiest Polly ever got to be was when she was part of a cult. It’s also sad how much everyone’s farm fashion went off cause they all looked so good during that era

17. It’s actually a miracle it took so long for Fangs to actually die there were so many attempts on his life

18. God Veronica running multiple businesses at age 16 and none of the Riverdale adults batting an eye and just respecting her as a business women will never not be funny to me

19. The plot twist that Alice was actually working undercover to take down the farm actually makes her being so awful to Betty make less sense. Sure, she was doing it for the greater good I guess but like she didn’t have to give away her college money or sell their fucking house leaving Betty with the options of homelessness or moving to a cult to get it done

20. FP maybe if you need to get your teenage son to regularly come and help you with your job as sheriff then you shouldn’t be doing it? Although on the other hand Jughead would’ve gone to those crime scenes anyway so like maybe it’s a good thing FP was there as adult supervision

21. GOD the cult break out and scavenger quest are such amazing finales for this season. Everyone nearly dies about ten times, Kevin and Fangs no longer have kidneys, the core four staggering through the woods in formal wear close to death together, Cheryl and Toni coming to save them all with the power of gangs and bows and arrows, it had literally everything you could want!

22. Love how Hal Cooper is canonically one of the worst serial killers ever and every woman he’s been with tells him this to his face

[thepointingghost]

ok whats ur opinion on dax and alice's father. forgot his name. i have opinions but my opinions of adult figures are generally bad so im biased

oooh okay okay. Robert. Robert Jones.

This is mainly focused on Dax but with Alice it's more a reflection of how he messed up with his son, those dynamics juxtapose one another so we can see specifically how Dax's relationship with him has been destroyed over the years.

It's clear he cares about his family: his work is a sacrifice of his time and body to help them as best he can, he stays in contact regularly, and he's at least aware of COLA protocol (Code 47). It's just that his family is Gina and Alice and the kid from his previous marriage whose eyes remind him a little too much of her, and it hangs between them so much that it's too late to ever address it, and... yeah, it's easier to stay in Aberdeen than reconcile with him. I think he made a mistake out of grief and maybe there's some hope of repairing the relationship, but realistically? He's lost the agency to decide that.

We do see some improvements with Robert in Unleashed, in the most basic form of respect: he lets Dax keep his bodily automony and refuses to consent to the COLA Project's magnetite scheme. It's not nearly enough, but it's something. There's respect.

But my opinion of him starts to sour with this part of Dowsing the Dead:

It had never, never occurred to him to be ashamed. Worried, freaked out, confused—yes—all of those things but never ashamed. Maybe that was what Gina had put into his dad’s head. ... ‘Special’—that was the word. It had too many meanings. Even bad things, like awful disabilities, got called ‘special’ these days. Maybe his dad thought what happened to him was ‘special’ in that way. The letter should have made him feel better. All it made him feel was ‘special’—in no good way.

Respect can buy you courtesy, but it can't buy you understanding. There will forever be a distance between them because what Robert Jones cannot understand is the power and pride of being different.

Looking a bit deeper, here's how I read him. Robert represents a very steroetypical, nuclear family–style of parenting: the stoic father, bringing in the money and leaving the turmoil of parenting to his wife (tm). The honour of the family rests on him, but the work in bringing them up and actually providing for them is delegated. The latter should have been to Gina, but... well, that's another question.

While Gina is disgusted by Dax, Robert is wary, unsettled. While Gina is frustrated and stressed over the burden of raising children without any emotional support from her husband, Robert runs away to provide for them without ever needing to think about his first wife's sacrifice and what it left behind. Robert wants a normal life, one where his firstborn is just a bit different, not 'special' and strange and COLA.

Of course, this is a harsh reading of him. Off the top of my head I'm pretty sure Dax was born in 97 or 95? And so in DtD he's, what, 13? In any case post-financial crash and look around at job security over the past couple years. Robert has a lot to juggle with work, Alice and Gina, and the COLA father admin stuff, but the fact is he's let himself neglect Dax to a point where it may be irreperable. He's worked hard for a normal life after the death of his first wife, and Dax is the scar that cannot fade. An outlier. Someone to appease and promise change.

Despite all of this, I don't hate him. I know enough members of my own family who reflect that not-quite-understanding mindset that I can't go and have fictional daddy issues too! (there'd be too many in the cola verse anyway let's be honest) To put this all together, the political context and grief made way for incompabitility between Dax and his father, and there is no way to fix that - only manage, with copious amounts of therapy.

I wish we had gotten to see a more emotional scene where Dax gets to shapeshift in front of Robert: would he have the same fascination as Owen in FtF? Would he recoil in fear? It doesn't matter. We never got that - StS subverted it, and far bigger problems prevented it. Dax had no honour, no pride he could display, and that's that.

[rayshippouuchiha]

Your last reblock (the one with Jon[?]) hit me about as hard as finding out that children in the USA apparently go through "school shooting practices" like children from my country go through "Feueralarm Übungen" (Fire alarm[?] practices. Like that they learn what to do and shit. Like...

What the fuck?!

There are a lot of people who own "firearms" (like everything form a Bow to "pea shooters"[?] to small fire arms) in my country as well, relative speaking... and also a bit baised, because I am a "weapons enthusiasts", or in better worlds, target shooting is one of my paartime hobbies. So of course I have meet many people in my local "Schützen Vereine" (no idea what the English word for that is...) that have somewhat of an "enthusiasm" for the sport and the things that come with that.

But like, we have rules for that... the former mentioned firearms? Yeah, "good luck" getting on those, multiple tests, psychological evaluation, letting the police know, showing that you can adequate store the weapon (ammo and pistol separate and all that stuff), and multiple other things (it's a bit different for veterans but my dad most probably sleeps and I have only so much time in my "lunch break"). And out guide lines are relatively lose over here... the USA thought? Do you guys even do checkups? Does your police know who has a gun/who buys one? How do get so many underage children in the position of them... like how come that I get in the legal age to drink over her the same time that you get to get your first firearm? Do you have any guidelines to store your weapons or do they just sit on the countertop? I have so many questions and legitimately don't want any of them answered whatsoever!

I don't know what this whole post is except genuine horror at nearly everything that I have heard from you guys... are you okay? Like Germany isn't the best either, but this is just scary!

Yeah that was Jon Stewart doing the good work as always.

Gun control in the US is a fucking mess and a joke. A messy joke where the punchline is a lot of dead people and now multiple generations of children growing up with the background radiation of being terrified they could die at school. Or at the movie theater. Or the shopping mall. Or while worshiping at their church/temple/mosque. Or just walking down the street.

And there are a number of factors that have led to that situation.

A lack of a functioning healthcare system where mental health awareness in children and adults alike is taken seriously plays a part.

There's also the sheer size of the US as a single country and how that impacts things to take into account. Because the US is broken down into 50+ states, all of which are, in a number of ways, like their own little countries.

And each state might have its own policies about things like guns.

But, all of that aside, it's getting the proper laws passed on a federal level that would go a long way toward the issue of gun safety and control reform in this country.

But that's where we run into the same issue we run into when it comes to fixing so many of the other glaring problems in this country

Money.

Because that's what it boils down to. For example, we have the NRA (National Rifle Association) and politicians being paid by them who will fight tooth and nail to keep restrictions to a bare minimum.

Plus guns are just generally politicized in the US in a way I don't really think they are in most other countries.

But without writing an entire thesis about gun control and the issues with the political Right and the Left in the US what I can and will say is this:

Most regular US citizens want gun control. The vast majority of us want there to be more checks, more bans, and more regulations.

We are tired of being afraid, tired of losing friends and family, and tired of seeing dead kids on the news.

In this, as in what feels like so many other things these days, the voices and pockets of the powerful few are outweighing the voices and the fears of the common many.

[brakingpoint]

It’s fascinating to watch unfold from where I stand as I have been on the periphery of having influence of nearly every class at some point in my life. I’d say I’m lower middle. My schooling put’s me in a category where I would not be taken seriously by anyone who is posh/educated but I wasn’t accepted within the group of people I was with because to them I was ‘posh’ which I’m not (it’s complicated). I was at the horse trials (lol doesn’t help) which is very posh and entirely different to F1 but I think important parallels can be drawn. There’s a changing paradigm of wealth vs class and urban vs rural. The traditional divide is changing and in many ways is bigger now but also smaller and families with slight money like Georges struggle to keep up with the demands of richer families like the Norris’s. F1 is a melting post of cultures, all rich but not as exclusive class wise I don’t think. The fans of f1 are very diverse. Horses not so much.

oh definitely, and i feel a big part of the "all rich but not as exclusive class wise" thing is that at this point f1 as an institution these days doesn't really care to distinguish between old money and nouveau riche - as long as you have the money to climb through the feeder series ladder there doesn't seem to be so much outward judgement or institutional barriers as to where that money comes from or how long it's been in your family. i'm not super in tune with the equestrian world so correct me if i'm wrong but that seems to be far more of a sport/culture that favours older money, at least here in the uk

(although there's still the funny paradox, which i feel sort of mirrors that distinction in its own funny way, of everyone needing to buy their way into f1 to an extent because it's just a massively financially inaccessible sport. like it is impossible to get into f1 without money, whether that's your own or you had to grind for sponsorships. but at the same time there's scorn levied towards not just pay drivers - which at least makes sense when it's an issue of a driver not necessarily having the skill to reach or remain in f1 without that financial backing while others with more skill but slightly less money fall by the wayside - but anyone who could possibly be accused of being a pay driver. like if your talent or trajectory into f1 doesn't completely match this bootstrap image of someone getting the best possible results in every feeder series it's immediately assumed that you or your sponsors - or national interest via countries that westerners tend to view as newer financial powers e.g. zhou guanyu with china - paid your way into a seat, but in the Bad Way where you don't deserve to be there. as opposed to all of the people who have also essentially paid their way into a seat by having hundreds of thousands of pounds to throw at feeder series campaigns as teens and young adults lol)

[doraminatook]

I have struggled with mental health issues for the vast majority of my life, whether I knew it or not.

Because of that, it was difficult to hold down a job or even work enough hours to make any kind of living wage. If I spent longer than five hours at a place, being told what to do, I suddenly felt very claustrophobic and panicked. More than once, I unceremoniously left a job because I simply couldn't take the pressure.

Because of this, a part of me just assumed that I'd live with my parents forever, and while there is nothing AT ALL shameful about living with your parents, it was adding to my mental health problems (I love my mother very much but we cannot live together). I felt trapped.

I had lived in the dorms for two years of undergraduate career but when I ran out of money, I had to move back home for my junior and senior year. I moved out again when I was 24 and lived in the spare bedroom of my friend who charged me a mere $350 a month for really what should have been double that. HOWEVER, that only lasted six months after my car died and all of my money went into buying a new one. Back home I went.

Through a number of changes in my life (including finding the right therapist and the right medication), I eventually did fully move out when I was 27...with a lease and a security deposit and everything! It was a TINY apartment, but it was mine...shared with my roommate and best friend (who is low-key my platonic soulmate). After moving all my belongings into the building, I plopped down on the floor of my bedroom -- still without a bed at that time -- and just basked in the reality of it all. I had done it. I was living on my own. The thing I thought was so impossible had happened and I would work my a$$ off to make sure I never had to financially rely on my parents again.

I lived in that tiny apartment with my best friend (platonic soul mate) for seven years. SEVEN YEARS. Neighbors came and went. Friends constantly asked, "You're STILL there?" But it served us well, and both my BFF and I were in no rush to move somewhere that was outside our meager means.

The 31st of August marked out last official day in the apartment that had been our home through several break-ups, the pandemic, my BFF's cancer diagnosis and subsequent chemo treatment, an attempted break-in, the death of our beloved cat, and more.

As I removed the last of my belongings from my room, I laid on the floor (somewhat out of fatigue; moving is HARD) and once again simply basked in the reality of it all. This place had done a good job of housing me and helping me feel like "real" adult. It was a stepping stone to new adventures.

I was grateful for the tiny apartment that was never big enough to host parties AND the toilet seat that never fit right AND that creepy space behind the basement stairs that always fascinated the cats but I was too scared to check out.

Thank you, tiny apartment.

[mdni]

crazy morning Kieran nation

so basically my stepmother was being my stepmother, she wanted me to wear this SPECIFIC shirt that's very floral and lacy and girly, which I obviously didn't wear because that's not my style, and BOY was she MAD about it. I wore a black shirt w black and red eyeshadow and black pants. my regular fit y'know. she fucking harassed me all morning trying to get me to wear that fucking shirt but I had no clue where it was, I literally looked all over for it because I was going to put it on then switch clothes at the last minute, but I literally just could not find it to which she replied "I don't care, you're putting it on and I'm tearing up all this black shit" and I didn't give in or anything, just kept wearing it, n she went off to do morning stuff.

just when I thought I was in the clear, she comes back and sees I'm still wearing my awesome fit. I was literally doing the finishing touches on my makeup when she decided to rummage through my closet and take out all of my black clothes and demanded that I take off my shirt, while insulting me and berating me, saying shit like "you're not goth and youre not a boy" n blah blah blah. she tore my makeup out of my hand and ran off with it, so I went and followed her to try to get it back from her. she fucking grabbed me by my face and started digging her fingers into my eyes to rub my eyeshadow off and I tore my head back out of her hands and she got PISSED and grabbed me by the hair, tore my head back, and punched me in the face. she stormed off with my makeup back to her room and I went back there to go get it, but she kept moving around and putting it out of reach, so I simply walked behind her and stuck my arm in the gap between her and the wall to get it. she would NOT give that shit back to me so I stormed out and just put on my black nail polish instead of the red that she stole. she said "you didn't buy this" and I literally DID with my own money.

she comes back to my room and THROWS the shit at me and is bitching around how "you're not going to defy me" "you're not a boy" "you're not goth you're just stupid" "who is influencing you to defy me" etc etc and she left, defeated

the BEST part of this is how she said "you're not gonna fucking come at me"

i said "I didn't even touch you, I went around you to get my shit" and she said "you came at me, it was aggressive" IT WAS NOT AGGRESSIVE AT ALL??? I LITERALLY WENT AROUND HER TO AVOID BEING AGGRESSIVE BECAUSE UNLIKE HER I DONT HAVE THE MATURITY OF AN 11 YEAR OLD AND I DONT WANT TO FIGHT??? but she claimed I was being aggressive and defying her rules and whatever the fuck but I got my makeup back and yes I'm wearing the fit and all in all I won. which I've never really done before

my voice was shaking and I was very nervous but I didn't give in to the bitch this time, I told her I wasn't going to be treated like a child but expected to act like an adult and she knew I was making her look like an ass so she decided to get physical with me. it feels so good to be dominant about myself and say "no, I'm not going to do this. I'm an 18 year old adult and I'm not playing dress up games with you."

im a bit scared to really actually defend myself properly though because when she puts her hands on me she gets really aggressive and busts my lip open a lot, I even have permanent bruising from things shes done to me and I don't think I can get in trouble for defending myself from that but if I do decide to fight back she could and would just kick me out of the house again and I don't have anywhere to go or anything so I'd just be putting myself and my family in danger by fighting back. but it feels so good to get a little sample of "no." y'know what I mean

also, might as well add what she said to me 2 or 3 days ago 🥴 for context there's this guy we know who apparently punished a 3 year old kid who isnt his by pissing in his drink and slapping his dick across the kids face, and when my stepmutha told me this my mouth went slack and just hung open and y'know how sometimes you hear something that so deeply horrifies you all you know how to do is just smile? well yeah I was extremely disturbed by hearing that (as I'm sure you are by reading that) and my lips kind of went up on their own and I tried to make them stop but I couldn't. anyway my stepmother says "I know you think thats funny, I can tell because of the look on your face. you probably want to get a dick put on you so that you can put it on a little kid, you sick fuck"

i ❤ being trans and being equated to a pedophile !!!!!!

anyway I was so extremely offended by that statement (being trans and also a csa survivor) that I just screamed "WHAT???" and she laughed and I fucking went to my room n just sat in there for a while totally not triggered and having flashbacks on my bed :D

so how was your guys' morning

[idontplaytrack]

tw: vent

once again feeling like i just wanna give up bc i’m just constantly stuck— mentally, physically. i’m just never really happy anymore. i’m expected to pay for my siblings’ meals when i take them out, and can’t ask for it back because they’re younger than me and they don’t work. i was nearly at $200 in savings and somehow, without spending more than $30 on myself for the last week, I’m down to $95 in my savings. i’ve been scrimping and saving so i can take time off of work and ‘reality’ to go to hawaii for a few days but now im just so much further away from my savings goal that i just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. yes, i know i can just go to a neighbouring country but there’s nothing i wanna do there, the same stores are everywhere in this region and it’s like what’s the point? it’s a personal preference but a place i’ve been wanting to visit but never had the guts to even think about, to plan, to research to make sure i keep in mind that i respect the people, nature and wildlife. to make sure i stay within my budget, knowing where to go, where to eat, what to do, what i want to buy so i only buy those items and not extra things. i know life isn’t fair but why the hell does birth order have to decide what one has to do for family? when the more ‘grown’ adults in the family have nothing but terrible, terrible things to say about the choices i want to make? what i wear, what i eat, where i work, where i want to travel to, what i want to study, where i want to study, why i want to study? why I am always thinking about being anywhere but home??? i get that i owe my parents years and years worth of money and then some for bringing me up, but little things, ‘casual remarks’ stick with me and just ruin me day by day. i can barely remember the good.

i’m in a way fortunate to still live in this apartment with my family so i don’t have to worry about rent. but i pay for my own expenses at work, transportation and my phone bill. i also pay for whatever the hell kind of knick knacks, snacks, meals and even toys when we go out. because i know she doesn’t like to be home and being the target of my parents’ yelling, it sucks for them to talk shit about you right to your face, calling you burdens, telling you their lives stopped because of you. i didn’t choose to be here, i didn’t choose for us to be low-income if you yourselves don’t want to do anything but spew out your so-called ‘creative ideas for new job ventures and asking me to help you. you’re so vague, help with what? how do i help? what do you want me to do? why do i have to give up on my part time job to risk a new career with you that you’re starting from scratch with no clients/customers yet? why is the burden just on me like this even though it isn’t explicitly said? i’m not a bad person, but they’re making me out to be a horrible human being that disrespects family and elders even though i’m treated as less than just because ‘they’re my parents and know me best because they raised me?’ you have no idea how much of myself i had to hide in my 20 years of existence. i don’t even know who i am anymore, what i believe in, what i want in my life for myself.

[swiftfootedachilles]

Mickey would find a way back to Ian in the psych ward, it would be similar to how he got into prison (ratted on the cartel and chose where he goes) but he'd do some asking around on what gets you into the psych ward and he'd work out what "symptoms" he has and he'd stick with playing them all the time

But the writers would do something shitty like playing up his autism traits then calling him "crazy" for acting like that and that's how he got in

yeahhh the shamey writers have a real knack for making mickey as stereotypically autistic as possible for comedy. i on the other hand am sophisticated in my autismification

but ok ok listen. so seeing as he rolled on the cartel and obviously got a lot in return for his testimony, i definitely think he couldve finagled his way into a secure psych hospital. i mean they obviously shortened or possibly even commuted his sentence in canon, since he was sentenced to 15 (incredibly short for what i assume is attempted murder??), expected to serve 8, but got out in less than 4 after escaping which shouldve added to his sentence. so if he knew ian was getting sentenced to a hospital he couldve done a few things and im gonna lay them out bc each one comes with its own intricacies that writers can expound upon

kept his sentence the same as canon, but he convinces the cops to put him in a psych hospital with ian as part of his deal. otherwise he refuses to talk

commute his sentence on the grounds of insanity, meaning hed talk to a forensic psychologist and talk about his childhood and shit, proving that he was so psychologically damaged as a kid that he somehow ended up having some episode and hurting sammi while legally insane. this could be a great way to really understand mickeys situation growing up. plus i really just want mickey to have his time in the limelight and put on his hurt puppydog face and act/lie his way out of responsibility. perhaps he realizes at some point that hes no longer acting and is truly expressing the raw emotions hes has bottled up since he was a kid 🤔🥺 also of course the new sentence he receives happens to be the same length as ians 🤭

gets his trial thrown out (BECAUSE HE SHOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN CONVICTED IN THE FIRST PLACE THAT WAS BULLSHIT) and gets a retrial, staying in the psych hospital in the meantime for similar reasons as mentioned above. fuck it lets bring back sammi and her kid and get all the gallaghers interviewed by police/giving testimonies in court including fiona!!! and because theyre not fucking dumb this time theyll actually get mickeys ass found NOT GUILTY this time and he can live his mfing life without an adult record. no larry/paula shit, no plothole on how mickey and ian could live together despite both being felons on parole, the dynamic between ian and mickey being flipped on its head now that mickeys got a clean record and ians the convict, omg what if they had their moment of one of them visiting the other in jail and putting their hand on the glass but this time its mickey visiting ian 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im literally bout to throw up

im very much a choose your own adventure kinda headcanoner... no matter how he gets there, mickey fucking GETS THERE. and i just have so many thoughts on how theyd interact with each other as roommates in a psych hospital. ian showing mickey the ropes for the psych side of things and mickey guiding ian thru the criminal/prison-y side 🥺 also i absolutely think mickey would get diagnosed with c-ptsd and autism while in the hospital and ofc at first he denies it, then he goes thru this phase of thinking hes "broken," then ian and his therapists (and an unexpected ragtag group of criminally insane individuals) become a solid story system to learn to accept himself. ian especially. obviously. he makes a list of things to buy mickey once they get out and save the money. because dammit if his lover doesnt have the best sensory corner in all of chicago! and overall they just get to actually... grow as people and as a couple by supporting each other in ways that canon never gave us

[fightabear]

anyway, re: convention. here's my debrief and i have three weeks until the next one. the grand total earned was about $1,300. which isn't terrible for a two day event! but i won't lie, it is less than i was hoping for. i didn't get as many commissions this year and that's a bummer because doing those is my favorite part. i would legit do them for free if i could but THAT'S NOT GOOD BUSINESS SENSE

my setup still needs tweaking - i think i need to learn harder into the commission portion of it. someone was suggesting maybe i do need two tables and i'm going to look into that next year.

more details under the cut because this got long.

but man oh man has it ever improved. i made less money this year than i did last year, but that was my own fault. i didn't advertise myself as well. plus a snowstorm hit. and my table helper kept just getting up to leave or getting deep into conversation instead of helping me watch for folks and left me very ?_? please notify me so i know i need to watch for clients.

i'm also going to add some more discount options since word of mouth is how this works best. i had some plans to lean into that but they fell through because i went really hard on the charms this go around.

i still ended up being the one greeting people & engaging them and that might... just be how it is! i'm a huge extrovert offline (and a shy introvert online) so any time i saw a cosplayer i recognized the hype kicked in. and i think as soon as i added my dungeons & discounts option (if you get a tabletop commission and tell me the story from the campaign you get $5 - this helps prevent awkward silences! i don't mind drawing in front of people but i find it a lot easier if they're engaging with me, it's like - less pressure? because then i can talk to them while i draw and it ignores my adhd to hyperfocus and work harder at capturing the essence of their character) that helped a ton because people would see a whole party of people at the table recounting the tales of epic adventures end up wanting to get in on that.

i might just need the help friend to be there to process sales and maintain the waitlist.

some highlights: there was a group of cosplayers that kept walking by my table and i recognized 2/3 of them and was excited about it, and as they were walking away i realized the third was a bigtop burger cosplayer and i like had to call them back to ask if that's what they were cosplaying. i think i made that person's day because they were so so so excited someone recognized them. i handed them some of my prototype sailor moon design stickers bc i forgot i even had them with me and they were so excited. i ended up giving out a lot of those just for the hell of it because people got so excited and also commented that the design is incredibly cool which means i need to get off my ass and do more of them.

i kept trying to do a walk of the hall but i'd stop to just ooh and ahh over people's work. things got so busy during the day that i couldn't get up and go buy stuff so i'm hoping that they'll be at the next event too.

and man, i have like! regulars now! people who make a point to stop by my booth to get a comm. they were so excited when i remembered them and i was so giddy they remembered me. and man some folks just came by to chat! and i made friends? folks are local to me. being a WFH adult means that i don't get many opportunities to hang out with people and i feel like those skills atrophied over the last three years.

i got to catch up with my favorite professor from college who said she was genuinely impressed by the evolution of my art (its my 10 year graduation anniversary in may, christ) and was really really amazed by my setup. i told her i was promoting the hell out of the program all day. i got to see classmates i haven't seen in years and we're making plans to have a big week long anniversary party in the summer.

i also had another (former) professor (not mine - but he taught many many many of my friends who have all said he's notoriously difficult to please - great guy but holds things to a high standard) run behind my booth to check out how i had things set up. when he popped back out in front, he grinned and gave me a thumbs up and said it was "very impressive" and my friend turned to me like "are you on cloud nine or ten right now?" and i was like - wa - wait i know that who was that and he was like THAT WAS SANDY! HE NEVER COMPLIMENTS PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

i guess people were talking about my setup and how quickly i work. and the art guests for the convention - according to my friend at least - also think my work is impressive?

it's funny how much can change in the span of a year or two... i think i had quietly retired my dreams of ever doing something with my art because i knew what my strengths were but i had no idea how to correctly monetize them.

i do know this: i'm going to go ahead with the comic i've been planning. this is entirely original, not a fan comic. it's going to be a queer vampire x werewolf horror/slowburn romance set in atlantic canada. two main couples a wlw & a mlm ship with an extended cast of varying identities. there are themes i want to explore about the gentrification of the maritimes and greed leading to environmental destruction, with chapters from different character perspectives to show a different side of atlantic canadian life that are very much not mine to tell so i would want to get guest writers who have that lived experienced to tell it.

there's a few things that stuck with me, little lines i'm gonna remember forever. someone said they're surprised i don't have a comic - and then followed that up with saying my art is "a full meal" not just a "snack" even when it's just a sketch.

and my college friend's wife - who shares my first name - was like oh you're the one i've heard so many stories about! and i was like - stories??? what stories?? because in my head i'm the houseplant and the wallflower.

it is still very strange to feel seen and to realize you are perceived, especially when you tend to make yourself small because you feel awkward for how much space you tak eup. i think for years i've assumed i'm the person that's always just kind of... there in a situation, literally even if it's a party i'm throwing. or if i've found a cool thing to do and i'm inviting a friend, they're going along with it because they don't want to go alone and the experience of going there is the thing they want and not the experience of going together. the pandemic and the isolation definitely didn't do favors for me, and oh boy did it not when a lot of it was spent in a really toxic relationship.

this was a reminder that people are wonderful and want to be around me, and reaching out to engage with them is what i need to do. they want to hang out with me and get to know me, and if my 30s are going to be anything it's going to be letting them get the full me.

[usuimisaki]

Why do I like reading shoujo so much?

My first reaction is to deflect. That’s how society is. Adults write and write sordid stories about teenagers all the time, a la Gossip Girl and Euphoria. Furthermore, we live in a man’s world, and men gobble up stuff which is ostensibly for boys: superheroes and their ilk. But when women fangirl over stuff ostensibly for girls we’re belittled for being juvenile.

Even if it’s not an unusual problem, it still begs the question why. Why is the world so preoccupied with youth to the point that they have characters who are literal minors? I’ve actually read and enjoyed multiple josei works, but they’ve never inspired the type of hyperfixation that shoujo manga has inspired. Josei and seinen are complex and messy. I accept that messiness. But with shoujo like KWMS and GSNK things are simpler. There’s more room to play. The characters, no matter how developed, are still literally undeveloped. This can inspire future fic of what the characters will be like as adults. It also makes them more malleable. High schoolers exist in a liminal space. They can go anywhere, be anything. They have choices and the freedom to take those choices in hand.

Adult manga (not sexually explicit, but dealing with adulthood) is about limits. The characters are getting old. They’re leaving dreams behind. They’re settling in their careers or accepting that their relationships aren’t ideal. They’re compromising—because reality. Besides romance and friends, they also have to deal with a job and taking care of their parents and/or taking care of kids. I love these kinds of stories because they are a mirror of my own life, or things that I can realistically imagine having to deal with.

My high school days are behind me, and I have to say, I didn’t enjoy them that much. The teenage dramas I read about are less a reminder of my high school days than a high school fantasy—one where school is more of a background than a concern and parents hardly even make an appearance.

Contrast this to office worker josei. Even the most sexually explicit manga where you’d think the office space is just a convenient setting always has some office drama which is ultimately about worker competency. Love is Hard for Otaku is mostly about dating and being an otaku, but fitting into office culture and being competent at your job is inseparable part of it as well.

KWMS is actually fairly complex for shoujo. It acknowledges that some students have financial difficulties and it has Misaki compete with Usui academically and studying for college entrance exams is a big plot line, but most of the time she’s more concerned about school council activities in a hyperbolic manner. And despite the series being about the contrast between being a school president and a maid, more of the storylines center on her part-time job at the maid cafe. She enters into a relationship with a rich foreigner with a tragic backstory which causes them to have to endure a long-distance relationship. But somehow they overcome all of that. And Misaki’s family’s dire financial straits get resolved even before she marries into the .01%.

GSNK though? Those kids must all be frickin’ rich. They never seem to have any concerns about having money to go out to a cafe, buy manga, or buy clothes. Kashima is the only one with a job, and she’s probably just working there because the cafe needs staff. There’s maybe one chapter where three not-so-great students try to study together with poor results—but since these students aren’t very academically focused, it’s just played off for laughs. The best student (Kashima) also has some of the least common sense. The one with the actual least common sense (Wakamatsu) is the second best student out of the cast. The only time we’ve seen parents are when it was played for laughs how Nozaki could live away from home because 1) he had his own money and 2) he knew how to cook, though he was lacking in 3) romantic experience.

Shoujo is about the possibility of love, and that when you do fall in love, that it’s going to last a lifetime. It’s about one true pairings.

Josei is about navigating new relationships with the scars of your previous relationships. One of my favorite josei series, Kimi was Petto, is all about that. It’s about the uncertainty that the relationship you’re in is good enough to stand the test of time, the realities of finances, career, social pressure, familial acceptance, and sense of self.

Shoujo hardly ever touches on those topics, preferring to create a love triangle for manufactured conflict. Again, KWMS is a bit of an exception. There’s definitely the love triangle aspect because you need to look at the different possibilities without, like, having had those other possibilities, but it does at least address class differences and different family culture and how that can lead to social pressure for college and career paths (which is why Usui goes to college in the UK and Misaki feels like she needs to get into a more competitive college). In the meantime, Tsubaki-sensei has acknowledged her fans’ with for an endless summer, so that Hori will never graduate and go to college—which is kind of odd, considering that there’s a college so local that they work at the same cafe as Kashima. But still, if Hori were to be a college student, then he wouldn’t haunt the hallways of Roman Academy or be able to interact with Kashima in drama club.

So let’s get to the gist of it. Why do I write smut with high school characters. Well, I love these characters. And they’re in high school. And I’m a sucker for canon. So it makes sense to set these sex scenes in high school. It’s not that I’ve never aged up these characters, but when I do I run into problems, like the fact that Misaki and Usui don’t live in same country. Or that Hori and Kashima are actually dealing with some actual drama about their future careers and how to define a relationship. Or they have kids, which are a huge impediment to having sex.

I recently read about centering lives around friendship instead of romantic relationships, and what it is that creates barriers for friendships, platonic or not. You need to have time and a shared space and touch. Two of the three are really easy to come by in school, where you don’t just spend 8 hours a day kind of goofing off on your parents’ dime, but you also live close together. Not to dismiss the huge pressure some students have to study and get into an elite college, but you do have more free time on your hands as a student, just because you don’t have to spend that time paying bills or cleaning your own house. I really don’t know how Nozaki does it.