#bi merry and pippin

[sohndesmondes]

My personal queer headcanons of LOTR characters but as icons part 1:

[spinningalbinoturtle]

The fellowship of the Kinsey scale aka LoTR characters ranked from most to least fruity

Btw this is a joke (well sort of) so don’t take any of my stereotype arguments too seriously. Although I do genuinely think most of these characters are gay.

1. Frodo- Frodo is gayest the character. He’s constantly described as queer, his deepest connection is with Sam and their relationship is incredibly romance coded. Plus he reads poetry all the time, wears his sparkly elvish top and that fall in Return of the King movie? Homosexual. Not to mention he has THE gay haircut. Man looks like a starbucks barista. Galadriel is his gay icon.

Sam- although more masculine than Frodo and also bi Sam has the second most Gay EnergyTM. He’s a bit overemotional he spends the entire series simping over Frodo and is obsessed with flowers and poetry. When his wife dies he leaves his kids to spend eternity with his husband and the elves. Gay behavior

Legolas- Legolas is a petty drama queen and I love that for him. Loves his dwarf husband. Just look at his hair-no straight man cares that much about their hair. Gay gay gay.

Gimli-a bear but in the dwarf way. Galadriel is also his gay icon. Loves his elf husband. Loves some sparkly diamonds and jewels. Lord of the GLITTERING CAVES you say? Sounds kinda fruity

Gandalf-he’s basically a minor god and thus does not conform to human ideas of sexuality and gender. Literally all the LGBTQIAs. Gandalf Big Naturals , Gandalf the Gay are just a few of this bitch’s many names.

Pippin-Y’all on this app have convinced me Pippin is not cis gender. I don’t know in what form trans, non binary, gender fluid? Honestly could be any one.

Merry-pansexual and very open about it. Just seems like a chill queer dude who smokes a ton of weed and is open to a relationship with anybody

Boromir-excessively emphasizes his straightness but has homoerotic battle moments and after battle showers with his comrades in Gondor. Very repressed bisexual

Aragorn- I think its funny if he’s the token straight but THE BIGGEST ALLY YOU WILL FIND. Literal king passes a bunch of laws enshrining LGBTQ rights cause all his friends are gay

Bonus

Faramir- is transfem and you can’t change my mind. Lesbian with her wife Eowyn. Has bi-to drag queen-to trans character arc.

Eowyn-butch lesbian horse girl and ya know what? We absolutely love her for it. After the war she has a buzzcut.

Bilbo-ace icon. I’M SORRY if you ship Bagginshield but I headcanon him as ace/aro. Hates the idea of sex but wanted kids so he adopted his gay little nephew.

[autistook]

Merry: *Nervously* Here we go. I'm bisexual. Alright, you'll have exactly one minute and zero seconds to ask any questions regarding this.

Frodo: How long have you known?

Merry: Since I was a tween.

Sam: What made you decide to tell us now?

Merry: Pippin found out at Bilbo's birthday party, and I was positive he wasn't gonna be able to keep this secret for much longer.

*Cut to a few days back*

Pippin: Bye, Merry. I mean, not bi. But bye! I mean see ya. I mean, have fun only having sex with women. Just banging chicks left and right! *Gives a thumbs up.*

*Cut back to present day*

Pippin: I just stopped saying bye altogether.

[maybe-thou-shalt-find-valimar]

the fellowship as actual things I have said

Frodo: idk what it is but something about lying on my back on the floor inspires a mental breakdown

Sam: is that BILL the PONY?

Pippin: soup....... bitch

Merry: I wonder how long it would take for me to loose consciousness if I hung upside-down from the monkey bars

Aragorn: *in tears, glaring angrily at a tree in 6°c weather* fuck everything

Boromir: *awkward bi finger guns*

Legolas: I am ✨fabulous✨

Gimli: haha hey little hobbit (you're not even a foot taller than me!)

Gandalf: did you know I can recite all the prophecies in The Underland Chronicles in chronological order in under two minutes? bewareunderlanderstimehangsbyathreadthehuntersarehuntedwhitewaterrunsredthegnawerswillstrivetoestinguishtherestthehopeofthehoplessresidesinaquest-

BONUS Bilbo: WHAT IN THE LIGHTLY SAUTÉED FUCK WITH A SPRINKLING OF GODDAMN FOR FLAVOUR AND A SIDE OF ROAST POTATOES

[maeofthenoldor]

I am god and now am giving out sexualities to lotr charachters because no one can stop me. And I have insomnia and sleep deprived.

Frodo: A gay trans man and on the ace spectrum

Samwise: Bisexual and there's a reason I nickname him transwise gamgee. (samfro is t4t)

Pippin: Just a feral nonbinary guy (They/he) and is pansexual. he falls in love easily. Probalbly had a crush on everyone they met throughout the journey. (he even had a crush on tom bombadil because he liked his little gay songs)

Merry: Token straight out of the hobbits and is in love with eowyn, which is now his sexuality.... (I mean i dont blame him)

Boromir: Definitely not straight. I mean have you seen him? gay, absolutely gay

Aragorn: Straight but has questioned his gender many times.

Gandalf: The most aro/ace icon out there. Uses all pronouns. Will trans your gender and turn homophobes, transphobes and general bigots into toads. Move out of her way or you will be crushed by her heels.

Legolas: pretty fluid when it comes to gender, mostly uses he/they pronouns however he really doesn't mind anything else. He identifies as queer.

Gimli: he's a bear bisexual and will kill anyone who purposely misgenders another. He is dating his partner Legolas and has a lot of fun with them when they hunt down bigots.

Eowyn: She is bisexual and also loved merry (except they are both too scared to make the first move)

Faramir: Gandalf helped him transition when he was a child. All he wants is to be accepted by his father. Boromir loves that he has a brother. He is also unlabled.

Denethor: Repressed bisexual.

Arwen: I cant tell if shes straight or bi, but I’m leaning towards the latter

Elrond: The best dad in the world, but otherwise he is also straight.

Bilbo: The gay traumatized fun uncle. Obviously had a dwarf husband, but sadly is widowed. Now he sings his gay little songs and everyone adores him. mood tbh

Eomer: Straight but is extremely supportive of Gimli and Legolas that he cries whenever they do something sweet to one another. It gets worse when he's drunk.

Theodred: Hes not even really in the book but I need to spread my Boromir/Theodred rare pair ship. Hes bisexual obviously. 

Galadriel: Intersex, nonbinary (they/she) and has a hot trophy husband.

Celeborn: the trophy husband, a trans man and is queer. 

Saruman: He is the definition of the queer-coded villain. I mean his name is saurman of all colours and he literally transforms into a gay pride flag.

Tom Bombadil & Goldberry: They deserve to be grouped as one because they are the best representation of a queer platonic couple out there. Goals.

Rosie Cotton: Bi but doe sent really know it, but if she ever met Goldberry, she might then have her awakening.

last and not least we have Sauron himself, and anyone whose read the Silmarillion know exactly what his sexuality is. so go read it.

Anyway tell me your hcs if you have any, I would love to hear them.

[torchwood-99]

Aragorn: Wow, does that happen often?

Merry: They're fairly regular, the “fool of a Tooks”, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly “fool of a Took!”.

Pippin: Oh, it's not that bad.

Merry: Come on Pippin, it's pretty bad.

[buggreawlthys]

Round the corner a long arm was groping, walking on its fingers towards Sam, who was lying nearest, and towards the hilt of the sword that lay upon him.

^don't you DARE HURT MY SAM

As Frodo left the barrow for the last time he thought he saw a severed hand wriggling still, like a wounded spider, in a heap of fallen earth.

^thanks for the trauma Jirt

'Let us go on!'

'Dressed up like this, sir?' said Sam.

^Sam, I love you. PRIORITIES DUDE.

'You must forgive them all; for though their hearts are faithful, to face fear of Barrow-wights is not what they were made for.'

^call forward to my vip Bill 💜

...last came one with a star on his brow.

^hi Aragorn! 👋

Fighting had not before occurred to any of them as one of the adventures in which their flight would land them.

^facepalm so loud it can be heard in valinor

(also I wonder if the wraiths esp the Witch-King have any thoughts about being back in / near their old lands, or whether they've lost everything so completely that it doesn't even register)

He had imagined himself meeting giants taller than trees, and other creatures even more terrifying, some time or other in the course of his journey; but at the moment he was finding his first sight of Men and their tall houses quite enough

^oh Sam 🫠

'There are queer folk about. Though I say it as shouldn't, you may think,' he added with a wry smile

^(stg this is the only "queer" usage I'm going to riff on) BI ARAGORN RIGHTS 💙💜🩷🏳️‍🌈👑

'Well, I have rather a rascally look, have I not?' said Strider.

^uhhh you don't think the creeping around & cryptic riddle- talking might have something to do with it???

...looking down at them with his face softened by a sudden smile. 'I am Aragorn son of Arathorn; and if by life or death I can save you, I will.'

^genuinely how tf was i supposed NOT to fall in love?

'...with Sam's permission we will call that settled.'

^dude knows how to read the room 😁

Pippin yawned. 'I am sorry,' he said, 'but I am dead tired. In spite of all the danger and worry I must go to bed, or sleep where I sit. Where is that silly fellow, Merry? It would be the last straw, if we had to go out in the dark to look for him.'

^everything I love about hobbits is exemplified by Pippin the Fool of a Took

heck this was epic, I can already see how the daily format is going to highlight the scale of the whole thing!

[milesasinmorales]

For pride month I would like to offer you ftm Trans Faramir, gay Frodo, bi Sam, gnc Legolas and Gimli, t4t Faramir and Eowyn, t4t Aragorn and Arwen, and ftm trans Merry and Pippin as a treat.

[gorgeousgalatea]

Can you just like do everyone in the fellowship of the ring for the character thing XD

Oh...boy. Lord of the Rings was a fandom where I deeply appreciated the canon more than did a lot of coming up with headcanons or personal takes and also that’s nine characters oh my god but I'll do my best XD

Frodo

Sexuality Headcanon: Hmm, demi bordering on aspec

Gender Headcanon: I admit I’ve never put much thought into the Fellowship but trans Frodo would be interesting

A ship I have with said character: Sam

A BROTP I have with said character: The hobbit quartet

A NOTP I have with said character: A dark part of me knows that Frodo/Gollum must exist and I respect those people and their right to get weird but I think reading it would break me

A random headcanon: Not even my headcanon but I am deeply tickled by the ‘Frodo doesn’t even know Legolas’s name’ theory from the movies

General Opinion over said character: I grew up with Tolkein and I love his protagonists. And I’m very into the subversive element of the Ring wearing even him down despite how long he endured it for. And he still gets a happy end despite of it!

Sam

Sexuality Headcanon: Demi and deeply devoted to Rosie and Frodo

Gender Headcanon: Cis

A ship I have with said character: Frodo but I respect the canon

A BROTP I have with said character:Bill the pony

A NOTP I have with said character: I’m just gonna reiterate the Gollum thing

A random headcanon: I want him to publish a gardening book that’s a breakout hit throughout Middle Earth but that is a bit indulgent

General Opinion over said character: Such a sweetheart really. Stalwart, loyal, and very badass about it.

Merry

Sexuality Headcanon: Bi

Gender Headcanon: cis

A ship I have with said character: None come to mind

A BROTP I have with said character: Eowyn. Okay also Pippin

A NOTP I have with said character: None come to mind

A random headcanon: He doesn’t enjoy the fireworks the way he used to anymore :(

General Opinion over said character: Dude helped kill the Witch King. He rocks.

Pippin

Sexuality Headcanon: pan

Gender Headcanon: trans

A ship I have with said character: None come to mind

A BROTP I have with said character: Merry

A NOTP I have with said character: None come to mind

A random headcanon: He and Merry visit Faramir and Eowyn a lot. This could even be in the book epilogue it’s been so long @_@

General Opinion over said character: Deeply chaotic little dude who grows a lot with the help of consequences and world saving trauma. He’s great.

Aragorn

Sexuality Headcanon: Arwen

Gender Headcanon: cis

A ship I have with said character: I’m fine with Arwen. The bb crush was cute

A BROTP I have with said character: Legolas and Gimli

A NOTP I have with said character: I never got into Aragorn/Legolas...

A random headcanon: Nothing specific but bb crush shenanigans is a cute concept

General Opinion over said character: Any time the guy with the most Chosen One traits is a supporting character and mentor is a good choice to me. Aragorn has his doubts and flaws and own narrative arc, but what he’s got going on doesn’t consume the narrative. It’s just a part of it!

Boromir

Sexuality Headcanon: just gonna slam my aroace emotions into this sad man

Gender Headcanon: cis

A ship I have with said character: Boromir/life ;_;

A BROTP I have with said character: I mean. He has a brother. Who misses him terribly. But admittedly also him and the hobbits.

A NOTP I have with said character: None comes to mind

A random headcanon: When he was able, he would delegate the delivery of good news to Faramir and he would deliver the bad, hoping to turn his father’s favor

General Opinion over said character: Heck yeah, give me all the tragic and doomed characters destroyed by their own nobility. Am I sad he is dead? Yes. Do I respect and appreciate the path his arc took? Also yes.

Gimli

Sexuality Headcanon: bi

Gender Headcanon: [insert a long and rambling discussion on how formative Discworld was and its relationship with dwarf gender and politics without ever actually answering the question]

A ship I have with said character: Legolas. What can I say, I like rivalry and contrast

A BROTP I have with said character: Aragorn

A NOTP I have with said character: None comes to mind

A random headcanon: All of the Discworld dwarf traits I can get away with

General Opinion over said character: How can you not like Gimli? Gruff but soft and swinging at every enemy kneecap in sight

Legolas

Sexuality Headcanon: pan

Gender Headcanon: gender neutral no matter what the Hobbit trilogy tried to pull

A ship I have with said character: Gimli

A BROTP I have with said character: Aragorn

A NOTP I have with said character: I guess also Aragorn

A random headcanon: All of the cat coded traits I can get away with

General Opinion over said character: I admit of the races I’ve always found elves less interesting but the woodland background and fratboy vibes are endearing

Gandalf

Sexuality Headcanon:Gandalf

Gender Headcanon: Gandalf

A ship I have with said character: Ga--he and Saruman have some of the narrative foil dynamic I would later deeply enjoy in a lot of my ships but I never got there with them in actuality

A BROTP I have with said character: Bilbo

A NOTP I have with said character:The flirtation with Galadriel in The Hobbit trilogy deeply weirded me out

A random headcanon: He came back in white to dunk on Saruman about the many colors thing. This might just be canon expressed in a really dumb way, it’s been a while

General Opinion over said character: He’s a cranky goodtimes cheerfully cryptic wizard, what’s not to like?

[vbee-miya]

Hello! Could I get a written matchup for stranger things and lotr? I’m an intp with she/her pronouns. Im 20. I’m bi so any gender is fine. For personality I’m creative, introverted, and individualistic. Though I’m introverted, around my friends/when I’m comfortable I can be quite talkative and humorous. However, I definitely treasure my alone time the most. Im a very big homebody and can be very hermit introvert sometimes. As for bad traits, I am sometimes the worst pessimist when it comes to myself. I’ll be fine motivating others but then when it comes to me I live by the “be ready for the worst and you wont be disappointed” As for hobbies escaping to new worlds while reading books/comics, watching movies, and playing rpg video games. My favorite genres are fantasy and sci-fi, though I do love a good classic from time to time. Apart from that, I love working out. My interests on the other hand are art focused. I’m currently in art school working with mostly digital mediums, though I sometimes work with traditional. I love my practice and everything including, game, web and interaction design, video art and visual effects, 3D modeling and character design, and digital illustration. Sometimes I whip out graphite and ink. A list of random likes: coffee, chai tea, dark chocolate, rock/blues/jazz/80s pop/soundtrack music, cafe art shows, arcades, comic book stores, purple, thai/Indian/Chinese food, roller blading to classic rock, quality alone time. A random list of dislikes: people i am unfamiliar with and have to make small talk with, the biting cold, rain, non fiction, staying too close to reality and not being allowed to daydream/imagine/roam freely in my thoughts, physical touch, overly crowded areas. I think that’s it thank you!

༺❀༻ matchup ༺❀༻

absolutely! (1) here's the lotr one

peregrin took

fool of a took

if im honest i was very much debating if i should’ve paired you up with someone from the hobbit even though the request said lotr reason being is that i think bard the fine bowman would’ve suit ya just fine.

anyways that’s was my little spiel, peregrin fool of a took. both of you share that almost introverted persona though if you ask me pippin does talk quite a lot and i don’t think it’s the beer doing that. when you’re around him he’s a blabbering mess story this story that song time with merry this dancing jig with merry that. you know your typical hobbit things.

one thing is for sure, he’d definitely get groovy to 80’s pop. that man knows his lyrics and dances. it’s only natural for a hobbit to know songs of all sorts anyways.

pip though no matter how much energy he’s got up his bones, he’ll take a moment to settle back down to reality and he’s pretty quick with it i’d say. instant sobriety. he would check up on you from time to time and would ask if you wanted to leave which he wouldn’t mind at all doing.

he’d support you in all your passions and even though you doubt yourself in some ways or another on pip’s radar he’s not letting that slide. he’ll give you words of encouragement and if that doesn’t work he’ll make sure it works. cause he’s a determined fella who just wants what’s best for the ones he loves.

headcanon, pippin definitely plays video games specifically any rpg games. you wouldn’t catch him playing over watch or any cod.

he’s not much of a work out fanatic, but if you want to go on a stroll around middle earth he probably wouldn’t be against it.

he would think your models and visual designs are the coolest thing ever and would constantly ask you how this how that. can this can that.

little headcanon that every morning a fresh cup of nicely brewed chai tea would be up and ready and a nice bark of thinly sliced dark chocolate bits would be sitting on the table ready for you. and i’d say all that was a last minute preparation before pippin would go hopping back to his bed.

[mogai-headcanons]

legolas from the lord of the rings is a genderfaun nonbinary gay man who uses any pronouns + xe is dating gimli.  gimli is an axeboyic trans gay bear who uses he/him + dating legolas. aragorn is an ambiam intersex transmascfem boygirl sapphic vincian bisexual who uses he/him or she/her + dating arwen + crush on boromir. she has bpd. arwen is an ambiam genderfae sapphic trans woman who is dating aragorn and eowyn and uses she/fae. eowyn is an ambiam transmasculine lesbiknight lesbian who uses he/him or she/her. she has adhd & is dating faramir and arwen faramir is a transfeminine foxknight priroguian lesbian who uses she/her. she is dating eowyn. sam is a bi genderstew warmlaundric daysun trans man who uses he/him + dating frodo. dpd. frodo is a nonbinary acespec gay man who uses he/they + dating sam. bpd. boromir is a knightswordic knightprince ace gay man who uses kni/knights or he/him + has a crush on aragorn. kni has bpd. both merry and pippin are genderqueer, plabonk, bitaffectic, and aroace and use they/them. both have adhd & npd. gandalf is agender + aroacespec and gay. uses they/it/we pronouns.

all of them are autistic + have ptsd!

hi if i may add to my lotr request: gandalf is wizardic, merry and pippin are both bitaffectic, aragorn, legolas, and gimli are all solpoetkingsongic, and boromir is sacriagaknight.

oh and one more thing for the lotr rq: samwise gamgee is softdayic

queued!

[schroedingers-faggot]

idk lotr queer hcs

Aragorn is transmasc, bi, goes by he/they, may be agender

Boromir just started questioning their sexuality, experimenting with they/them pronouns, cis man, aro

Gimli, sex indifferent asexual, genderfluid, all pronouns (she's the one with all the dirty jokes)

Legolas, pan, any pronouns but preferably neos, demiromantic

Frodo, unlabeled, he/him, cis man

Sam, demisexual, they/he, trans man

Merry, questioning ace, he/she, unlabeled gender

Pippin, ace, pronoun fluid, questioning gender

Gandalf, elder gay, aro, mirror pronouns

[jellicle-chants]

lord of the rings

favorite male character:

I think I'm going to have to go with Sam. He's just so sweet and caring, he's everything you'd want out of a friend. (Unless I can pick Bill the Pony, because then it's Bill the Pony. And I think Sam could agree with me on that.)

favorite female character:

Eowyn, for sure! Absolute girlboss and a much better answer to the Macbeth riddle. Also, I think she's the only major character in the movies who's a human woman, so good on her!

least favorite character:

It's a tossup between Denethor and Grima Wormtongue, but I'll hand it to daddy dearest. Eating tomatoes has never been more visceral.

prettiest character:

Arwen 😍 Need I say more? (But let me just say, as a bi, those movies are an absolute lineup.)

funniest character:

I'll go with Gimli, because I like his back-and-forth with Legolas a lot more than Merry and Pippin's shenanigans. (They get on my nerves, what can I say?)

favorite movie:

I think my favorite is probably Fellowship, because I really like the big group's dynamic. I wish they didn't have to get split up so soon! Also, Boromir.

favorite romantic ship:

Gimli/Legolas. They already bicker like a married couple, why not make it official?

favorite family ship:

Eowyn and Eomer! I love sibs who only want the best for each other.

favorite friend ship:

Frodo and Sam, hands down. Maybe they can platonically smooch, as a treat.

worst ship:

I'm not well-versed in the fandom enough to know what ships there are, so I'll just say Sauron/The One Ring.

[hacash]

Too Much Information

"I always imagined Big Folk’d be rather prudish about sex,” Pippin said. “After all, I imagined none of you do it very often, taking into account your obvious shortcomings.”

The Fellowship share. Rather too much. In which Gandalf is cagey, Merry and Pippin are shameless, and Boromir finds out more about the Fellowship's personal lives than he wanted to know.

[also available on Archive of our Own]

(based on this post; probably not to be taken too seriously)

-

“Posey Greenfields does not count.”

“Does so.”

“Does not.”

“How, may I ask, does she not count?”

“I saw you at that party, Pip, and you were soused off your face. Utterly crocked. I should say she took advantage of you, more than anything.”

“Took advantage? I was giving her the advantage, and very willingly too!”

Boromir eyed the bickering cousins with more trepidation than he might an orc’s nest. Trust me, Elrond had advised the day he’d arrived in Imlradris, you might hear them talking and think you wish to know the conversation. In these moments it is best to turn around and walk the other way.

Delicately he coughed, meeting Legolas’ eye. “Do I want to know?”

The elf grimaced. Owing to his renowned elvish hearing it seemed he had caught every word: but going by Legolas’ disturbed expression Boromir suspected this wasn’t necessarily a good thing. “No. No you don’t.”

Recklessly Boromir plunged on, approaching where Merry and Pippin were setting up their bedding for the night. “Gentlemen?”

Two twin beady gazes turned on him.

“Context, please?”

Ignoring Legolas’ muffled groan and face-palm Merry turned about cheerfully, eager for a new participant – or, as Boromir was beginning to suspect, victim. “Ah, yes! You see, to kill time Pippin and I were discussing some of our more pleasant encounters back home when life was simpler and remembering some of our most enjoyable companions – ”

“Sex stories,” Boromir repeated with dawning understanding, unable to keep the horror from his voice. “You were swapping sex stories.”

“Exactly! Only Pippin insisted on counting one time with Posey Greenfields when he’d gotten into his father’s best sherry – Michel Delving’s finest, it’ll turn you cross-eyed – and I was telling him that didn’t count because he was in no fit state to make a decent showing.”

Pippin was looking so proud of himself, it was almost indecent.

“But…I thought you were a child?” Boromir demanded.

“Excuse me? I’m a tweenager.”

“You’re a deviant is what you are, Pippin,” Merry said.

“I’m an unfettered adventurous soul, lacking in fear.”

“Lacking something is certainly the way Mrs Goodchild described you when she caught you and her Iris at it in the barn that time. Your breeches, for a start.”

“You’re not of age, is what I meant,” Boromir interrupted, before his brain started producing images his stomach couldn’t handle.

“Hobbits often start courting far before they’re of age, sir.” Taking pity on the unfortunate Man, Sam approached with cups of stewed nettle tea. “It’s common enough to start when you’re about sixteen, seventeen years old. Of course, it’s less common to wed before we’re of age – ”

“Thirty-three!” Boromir exclaimed proudly.

“Yes, sir, very well done,” Sam said in a soothing tone. “Which gives any courting couple a nice long while to get to know one another proper. Of course, there’s those as might not wish to wait that long – ” Merry did the universal sign for a swollen belly behind Sam’s back, “but to have your son or daughter wed afore they’ve passed twenty five – well, it’s considered a bit tacky, if you get my drift? Not allowing them a proper chance at life afore they settle down.”

“And by ‘proper chance of life’ we mean…”

“Studying a trade, spending time with friends, practicing how to keep house – ”

“Or in Merry’s case: learning how to do it in a rowboat without capsizing,” Pippin interjected.

“Ah, discussing Salvia Chubb, I believe? As I recall you told your mother you’d caught a fish so large it had pulled you clean from the boat, and that was why you were soaked through and Salvia’s shimmy all tangled up in duckweed.”

Boromir nearly inhaled a mouthful of his wine at Frodo’s sudden appearance. He might have imagined that the last thing the two younger hobbits would want when discussing their depravity was the audience of their elder cousin, but Frodo just regarded the conversation with exasperated amusement.

“You shouldn’t listen to these two, Boromir,” the Ringbearer advised. “They’ll blister your ears off and then some with their sordid tales. My uncle Saradoc would have been at his wits’ end with Merry, save that half his tricks Merry likely learned from him.”

“Hey now!” cried Merry. “I won’t have such slander repeated before friends. There was a time when Frodo Baggins was considered quite the rascal of Buckland, Boromir, and don’t you forget it. If I have ever engaged in pranks, scandal, inebriation or debauchery, chances are I learned it from him!”

“Debauchery!”

“Downright,” Merry repeated, “debauchery.”

Frodo drew himself up to his full height and glared at his unrepentant cousin through narrowed eyes. “I admit to overindulging on Uncle Sara’s port or filching a basket of mushrooms on occasion, Meriadoc, but I object to the implication that I have ever debauched in my life.”

Sam and Pippin’s gazes flickered back and forth between the other two as if watching a game of chequers; Boromir’s cooling nettle tea was abandoned at his feet. Even Legolas was listening intently. Merry merely snorted, leaning back on his haunches as if to prepare for the master stroke. Oh, he was going to enjoy this.

“Cousin, you remember when you left for Bag End I got your old room?”

“I do,” Frodo said stiffly, “and I fail to see the relevance.”

“Well, what you may not recall is you left plenty of odds and ends behind – mathoms mostly, old clothing and books and whathaveyou, and I found some rather interesting articles under your bed from your last years in Buckland. Some rather interesting journals, as it turns out.”

Seated beside Frodo, Legolas was lucky enough to get a good look at the Ringbearer’s face as the significance of this news dawned upon him. It was quite a spectacle, he had to admit. He’d never actually seen someone turn white before.

“You didn’t.”

Merry smirked. “It ended up proving quite an education when I was a tween, I must say.”

“…journals?” Boromir asked weakly.

“I forgot to mention: Melilot Brandybuck asked me to pass on her fondest and immense well wishes,” Merry continued wickedly, “for a couple of descriptive passages found in a particular entry – Wedmath, 1388, I believe? She was most appreciative, and I told her that the credit truly lay with you.”

Frodo’s face had bypassed white and was rapidly approaching green. “You didn’t.”

“Journals?” Pippin demanded. “What journals? Why haven’t I heard of any journals? You were courting Melilot at least ten years ago, why am I only hearing about this now?”

“Brandybuck?” Boromir asked. “But I thought Merry was – ”

“Third cousins,” Sam said wearily. “And if you let yourself get distracted by such matters, sir, you’ll never catch up.”

“And what descriptive passages could have Melilot Brandybuck still expressing her gratitude after ten years?”

“Oh, and Rory Goldworthy. Though I had to adapt some of the passages for Rory.”

“So what you’re saying is, half of Buckland knows Master Merry’s more – uh – adventurous activities can be put down to my master’s influence?” Sam said with a growing grin.

“And when were you planning on showing me these journals?”

“Meriadoc,” Frodo said slowly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you.”

“You should all know, our cousin Frodo is a most meticulous and,” Merry smirked, “inventive writer in all respects. I only hope he provides the additions to Bilbo’s book with the same attention to detail!”

Frodo’s reaction was not a happy one. With an uncharacteristically warlike yell he hurled himself at his cousin, fists flying. Although Merry was by far the sturdier of the two, Frodo’s height and indignation found the two evenly matched, and the pair were soon scuffling haplessly in Merry’s bedding. Sam rolled his eyes, and Pippin cheered.

“Well then, lads.” Gimli’s voice was gruff as he approached. He had been discussing their route south along the Misty Mountains with Gandalf and Aragorn, and now the three of them eyed the ensuing chaos with amusement. “What are we discussing?”

“Sex,” Pippin piped up cheerfully.

Legolas was pinching the bridge of his nose: the mumbled comments of ‘raspberry jam and the garden swing’ made Sam fairly certain he had picked up most of Merry and Pippin’s early conversation, and also fairly certain that he didn’t want to know more. Gimli gave a low chuckle, Aragorn raised an eyebrow, and Gandalf shook his head and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘smut-minded hole-dwellers’.

“You started this?” Gimli asked Boromir.

“I asked for context.”

“Well, it’s your own damn fault then.”

“I’m fully aware of that,” Boromir said. “I may never be able to look Merry and Pippin in the eye ever again.”

“He’s embarrassed,” Sam supplied helpfully.

Boromir raised an eyebrow. He was not embarrassed by sex – he was forty years old, thank you very much, and a soldier to boot: quite accustomed to bawdy humour. He knew all the words to ‘The Istari and the Ninety-Nine Virgins’ and had laughed himself sick over every variation of the one about the widow’s lodging house on many occasions. But the thought of these hobbits, small as children, and the Ringbearer by all accounts…

“That’s rather rude,” Merry grumbled when he told them this. “You don’t see us saying ‘urgh, imagine those Men going at it when they’re so freakishly big and ancient looking’, do you?”

“Thank you very much,” Aragorn remarked dryly.

Legolas rolled his eyes. “After spending many days in the company of soldiers from Dale I rather thought all Men to be rather fixated on the subject.”

“Really? I always imagined Big Folk’d be rather prudish about sex,” Pippin said. “After all, I imagined none of you do it very often, taking into account your obvious shortcomings.”

There came from Aragorn the sounds of spluttering and rapid smoke inhalation; it appeared he’d lit his pipe at an inopportune moment. “I…I beg your pardon?!”

“Well, look at the size of you. I can imagine you might not be – well, no offence, but not wholly up to scratch.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Frodo steepled his fingers thoughtfully and fixed both Aragorn and Boromir with a calculating gaze that seemed to them a bit too intrigued to be decent. “Well, be fair Pippin. I can imagine size might be beneficial.”

“Maybe a bit.”

“A bit?” chorused the two Men. Gimli snorted.

“But, well, you’re all so big and clumsy,” Pippin, oblivious in the face of rapidly approaching death, continued blithely. “No dexterity. No lightness of touch. No imagination. And just like in everything else, if you think only size matters you’re not going to put too much thought into it, are you?”

Aragorn had gone a distinctly red shade. From across the fire Sam was could see Gandalf’s shoulders shaking with mirth.

“Is Aragorn alright?” Merry asked.

“Ignore him,” Gimli said, “he’s just reconsidering certain aspects of his romantic life for the past seventy years.”

“Bugger off.”

“Well, we’re not prudish,” Boromir said hastily – Gondor might have needed no king, but abandoning Aragorn to this particular line of questioning seemed like a step too far. “We just don’t feel the need to talk about it all the time.”

“We don’t all the time,” Pippin said. “Just in general conversation.”

“Do the women in your homeland not consider such conversation uncouth?” Legolas asked in bewilderment.

Sam snorted. “You want uncouth, sir, you should see young Myrtle Twofoot when she’s got into the summer punch. Three glasses and she’s inviting any lad in sight to untie her bloomer lacings with her teeth, and that’s a fact.”

“Good heavens,” said Boromir, looking rather pale.

“Oh, she always has the lad clean their teeth first, so as to keep everything hygienic sir. Very conscientious is young Myrtle.”

“So, unlike the rest of civilised society,” Legolas concluded, “hobbits would think nothing of taking their afternoon tea, or whatever you strange creatures call it, while listening to Merry regale them all with tales of – ”

“Being snowed in at Bag End with the Goodbody twins, a sturdy settee and the last of Mister Bilbo’s Old Winyards,” Sam supplied helpfully. “I remember your mother raising hell for that one when word got out, Mister Merry.”

Merry somehow managed to smirk and blush at the same time.

“Oh, honestly.” Aragorn looked particularly unsettled. “We don’t all need to hear about Merry’s…proclivities.”

“Well, you’re just a prude,” Merry sniffed.

“No, I’m just not interested in hearing about it.”

“Merry, leave him alone,” Frodo said. “I was in the room next to yours on that particular night, you may remember, and I took as little joy from hearing it then as Aragorn is now.”

Merry pulled a face.

“And to answer your question, Legolas: Merry is, as usual, grossly misrepresenting the Shire in his smut and yes you may well blush, Meriadoc – it’s hardly the sort of thing we discuss over tea and cakes on every occasion. However, I wouldn’t exactly call the subject taboo.”

“Hobbits,” Gandalf chuckled, “as in all respects, enjoy the comforts of life most openly. Why, I could tell tales of Bullroarer Took that might make your hair turn on end!”

“Any tips to pass on?” Pippin asked.

“None for your ears, young hobbit.”

“I’m surprised you’re so bashful, Aragorn,” Merry said. “I’d have thought you very experienced in that regard.”

“What? Why would I be?” Aragorn asked, genuinely baffled.

“Have you seen you?”

“I suppose I had offers – a few – ” Behind his back Legolas snorted and then hastily turned it into a cough, “but there was only ever Arwen.”

“So you’re only interested in girls,” Pippin said.

“No, I’m only interested in Arwen.”

“But what if a really beautiful woman offered – ”

“She did. Her name was Arwen.”

“I think it’s romantic,” said Sam.

“I think it’s idiotic,” Merry argued. “All of that,” he gestured to the ranger, who began blushing from the appraising stares coming from the rest of the Fellowship, “going to waste on just one lass. It’s not natural.”

“Meriadoc Brandybuck!” Frodo barked suddenly. “Apologise, young hobbit. You’re being very disrespectful of other folks’ habits. We can’t all manage to be such tramps as you.”

“Maybe we should change the subject,” Gandalf said dryly. “This has all been gone into quite enough.”

“Like Melilot Brandybuck, apparently,” Pippin remarked.

“Peregrin!”

“And,” Boromir continued, suicidally avoiding the glare being levelled at him by Gandalf, “lads going with lads: that is not uncommon, in your home?”

“Why not?” Pippin asked, genuinely surprised. “I wouldn’t have known how to so much as kiss if it weren’t for good old Folco Boffin.”

“What of Gondor, Boromir?” Legolas asked.

He tilted his head thoughtfully. “It is not considered shameful. But neither is it wholly approved of, in the higher houses of Gondor, for one man to make a life pledge with another. The noble families consider their heritage to be of great worth, and to forgo the chance of heirs and carrying on the line simply for the sake of affection is not always smiled upon.”

“Giving up your chance of love with some nice lad just to carry on some family name?” Sam said sadly. “Well, that’s right sad, that is.”

“I suppose,” said Boromir. Having understood that he was expected to carry on the line of Stewards since he was a child, he had never thought about it until now. “Of course, in a family with many sons or male cousins, it is less of a scandal. And out in the country or in the garrisons, of course, no-one pays it much mind.”

“Much the same as in the North,” Aragorn, who had now recovered, added. “Though within the Rangers, of course, men with men is more common. Less women, you see.”

“Well, it’s common enough in the Shire,” Merry said carelessly. “Pippin had quite the crush on Aragorn when we first met him in Bree.”

“Hoy!”

“Seeing you and Arwen together must have been like hitting puberty all over again,” Merry said with a snort.

This time it was Pippin who launched himself at Merry; while Aragorn mutely examined himself with the very real concern that he was giving off some sort of wrong signal.

“Don’t worry, Aragorn,” Frodo said soothingly. “After you made us march ten miles in the pouring rain, I suspect Pippin’s ardour wore off some.”

Pippin resurfaced long enough to flash Aragorn a cheeky grin that did not particularly set his mind at ease. “Indeed. And unlike Merry, I don’t feel the need to be bossed around by any of my romantic partners – oof!”

“Well, there’s a revelation I did not particularly need to hear,” Gimli muttered as the two cousins began wrestling again.

“Goes all red whenever Estella Bolger shoots him a sharp word, he does – argh!”

“I still can’t believe how open hobbits are,” Boromir muttered.

“Some of us’ve got a bit more class than the young masters,” Sam said, “begging their pardons.”

“Some of us’re just too shy for their own good.” Pippin, panting, had resurfaced. “When we return to the Shire I’m going to lock you and the lovely Rosie into the cellars of Crickhollow and not let you out until the windows shatter.”

“Master Pippin!”

“Sam, please tell me you don’t go around debauching with all and sundry like the rest of these rakes,” Legolas said.

“Oh, Sam plays his cards close to the chest,” said Merry with an admiring smirk. “He might still be a virgin or might have serviced every lass in the greater Westfarthing area; we’d never know.”

“I have not serviced every lass in the Westfarthing, Mister Merry.”

“Every lad then.”

“Now why would I be doing that, Mr Merry? I don’t know every lad in the Westfarthing!”

“That’s something you take into consideration?”

“Yes!” Sam exclaimed. Merry just looked bemused.

“If Sam is more selective than you, Merry, that’s hardly something to mock,” Frodo said disapprovingly.

“Who said I was mocking? I admire you, Sam, but honestly you were too bloody blind by half to realise what it was like back home. Scores of tweenagers hanging around Bag End garden just waiting for the weather to warm so you’d so much as roll up your sleeves.”

While Pippin fell about laughing and the rest of the Fellowship chuckled, Sam turned a horrified shade of red. “That…that never happened!”

“Why do you think Frodo had so many cousins from Buckland and Tookborough come to stay? Not for his sparkling conversation, surely; there’s only so long you can feign an interest in elvish poetry.”

“Sam,” Frodo said patiently, “one summer we had half the Shire stopping in at Bag End asking you for gardening tips. Did you honestly think Milo Chubb was that interested in keeping the greenfly off his begonias?”

“You knew about this, sir?”

“Knew? I was considering selling tickets.”

Sam’s head fell into his hands.

“Your courtship rituals are certainly…unlike anything I have experienced,” Gimli chuckled drolly. “Whatever happened to a finely-wrought ring or a poem in honour of your loved one?”

“I’ve had good luck with a bottle of sherry and a broom cupboard,” Merry said.

“Typically affection is expressed in our culture with flowers, dancing, and fine manners,” Frodo smirked, “though Merry and Pippin have always seen fit to buck with tradition. Naughty limericks and drunk come-ons are not acceptable.”

“They’re not?” This was news to Merry.

“They were considered terrible flirts back home.”

“Ah yes,” Pippin reminisced dreamily, “I remember the day Diamond North-Took called me a depraved, unconscionable back-alley scoundrel without the morals of a tom-cat.”

“I know, because you do have the morals of a tom-cat.”

“And I told her that, but do you think she’d listen?”

“Folk are expected to calm down as they leave their tweens behind, but as long as no lass gets into trouble or no-one’s tumbling with someone thought to be courting someone else…” Frodo gave a nimble shrug, lips twitching with the fond memories of days long since past. The rest of the Fellowship almost felt like they were intruding. “I myself used to…but then, I don’t know, my interest rather waned over the years…”

“Lost your puff, more like,” Merry scoffed. Without looking up Frodo kicked him in the kneecaps.

“The desire faded,” he said firmly. “Lovely memories and a fine time in my life – but I don’t see anything lacking now it’s over, either.”

Boromir was fascinated. He’d never imagined that one could talk so frankly about desire – or, for that matter, shrug off the lack of it as nothing more than the disappearance of a well-loved but outgrown coat. “I never saw the appeal,” he remarked, “on any account. Good luck to you all if you so choose to take your pleasures in such a fashion, but – honestly, it seems quite the overblown fuss to me. I can think of half a dozen things I’d prefer doing to sex, just off the top of my head.”

“No tales of debauchery from you then?” Merry asked sadly.

“Unlike our esteemed Ringbearer,” Boromir bowed to the blushing Frodo, “I have never debauched. I’m not sure I’d know where to begin.”

The hobbits shrugged carelessly. “Oh, there’s plenty in our homeland who are much the same,” Pippin said. “Cousin Bilbo’s a hundred and twenty-nine if he’s a day, and I don’t think he’s thought on sex once in all that time.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Oh, come off it. I’d have heard if Bilbo had some lost lady-love in the Shire, mark my words.”

“I said nothing about romance. I just said your assumptions that Bilbo was never interested in sex are inaccurate,” Frodo said, a rather haunted look on his face.

“What, and he told you that, did he?”

“I didn’t need to be told, Peregrin; the arrangements he had with the Widow Moley rather spoke for themselves.”

For a moment there was a distinct choking sound. Sam was very carefully examining the ground beneath his feet while Merry had stuffed his fist into his mouth, shaking with barely contained glee. The rest of the Fellowship exchanged glances. Pippin’s mouth had slowly fallen open: as Frodo continued to look pointedly at him he began to feel much the same way as one might when one bites into an apple and sees half a grub wriggling merrily away at him.

“Bilbo had companionship in his golden years?” Aragorn said in a somewhat strained voice. “That’s…that’s nice.”

“Every Sunday after tea,” Frodo said with the hollow tones more suited to an old soldier recounting the horrors of battles long since past, “and every Trewsday before luncheon; round to Bag End she’d come, regular as clockwork for nearly ten years. Why do you think I asked your mother for earmuffs every Yule?”

“But,” Boromir said, “I thought you told me you were only adopted by Bilbo when he was in his eighties?”

“That I did.”

Pippin finally made a sound, and that sound was: “Eeuargh…..”

“Well now, here we see again the difference in the races. For an elf to be in such a steady relationship at a mere eighty years of age would be considered rash indeed,” Legolas snickered, with the air of one stirring the pot with gleeful abandon.

“Cousin Bilbo is not an elf.”

“Quite,” Frodo said tartly. “Elves are beauteous creatures to behold, and walking in on him and the Widow Moley was not, repeat not, beauteous.”

Pippin made another strangled sound.

“Gimli,” Aragorn said hastily: the thought of old Bilbo, who he had long regarded as akin to a kindly old uncle, getting up to things was not sitting well, “care to add to the conversation?”

Gimli chuckled. “Alas, we are not quite as rambunctious as hobbits.” He leant back and puffed on his pipe. “In truth, romance is rare in my culture – admired well enough, but not prized highly, and many of my people never marry at all. Many do not desire it, being so engrossed in their crafts. There are dwarven songs of great loves and terrible loss that could put even an elvish lay to shame,” Legolas twitched, “but it is beauteous rare. What is romance compared to the joy of your work, the stonecraft and metalwork that outlasts the ages, the artistry of one’s hands?”

Pippin opened his mouth to say something about drilling, tunnelling and chisels, but was stopped when Sam, without any apparent change in his expression, took hold of his wrist and twisted his arm behind his back.

“Though Bilbo told me you were considered quite the catch in Erebor?” Frodo prompted.

Gimli shrugged off the complement modestly. “Dwarves who are so inclined towards affairs of the heart – and body – are rare, and so seen as something of a prize. And I flatter myself that I am no poor craftsman; no dwarf or dwarrowdam would scorn one who knows how to wield a hammer.”

“Pippin, shut up,” Boromir said hastily.

“So, you mean – women with women and men with – ”

“Dwarves with dwarves,” Gimli said firmly. He shrugged, and then gave a great booming laugh, smacking his hands down upon his knees. “Though we are a people of great enthusiasms in all respects. Those dwarves who do wed tend to have very successful – and very enjoyable – marriages. Dwarves may not have much interest in affairs of the bed, but when we do it we do it right.”

“Remind me to take a trip to the Blue Mountains when all this is over,” Merry muttered to Pippin with a lecherous grin.

“I don’t think you could handle it.”

“I could.”

“The size difference could be a problem.”

“I could cope with that.”

“The beards would itch.”

Merry paused, then nodded. “Fair point.”

Meanwhile Gimli was eyeing Legolas with wry amusement. “And I suppose your lot have their minds on higher things?”

Legolas scoffed. “Where do you think our children came from?”

“Be fair, sir,” said Sam. “After hearing all those great tales, you start to think elves are a little too dignified for matters such as that.”

“Thingol and Melian,” Frodo chipped in, “Beren and Luthien, Earendil and Elwing. Sam’s right, it’s difficult to imagine them all shagging.”

“Do you mind?” Aragorn asked, turning queasy. Most of these were his potential in-laws.

“Elves are always attracted to beauty,” Legolas’ brow raised, “of any and all kinds. But I can’t deny, compared to us mortals are more – ”

“Randy?” Pippin said.

“Horny?” Merry added.

“Lecherous goats?” Sam asked with a grin.

“Those weren’t quite the synonyms I was grasping for, but essentially yes.”

“Though to be fair,” Aragorn chipped in, “when you say beauty of any and all kinds, be careful not to misrepresent, Legolas. I recall you told me that your father had much to say when as a fauntling your admiration of the Lord Elrond grew a little too obvious to be overlooked.”

“Because he was a fellow?” Merry asked sympathetically.

“Because he is half-elven!” Legolas exclaimed. “Sweet Elbereth, I thought my father would never let it go.”

“Nice to know even elves have their hang-ups,” Sam said.

“But we remain more higher-minded about such things than mortals,” Legolas said.

“Not judging by some of those books of elven art in Lord Elrond’s library.”

“Books?” Merry perked up noticeably.

“Oh,” Gimli snorted, “if it’s art it doesn’t count.”

“I don’t care how many plinths and urns they include, I still use the term art advisedly.”

“What books? Why weren’t they shared?”

“Maybe Frodo’s journals would find a place there,” Legolas said with a smirk. Frodo groaned again.

“Well, this has been most informative,” Aragorn said. “If we get attacked by a marauding band of orcs in the middle of the night it’s pleasant to think we’ll at least have Frodo and Boromir to defend us, for it seems half this Fellowship will be too randy to even think of our defence. I think that clears up every culture represented here, does it not?”

They paused, mulling it over. Then Frodo said, in a particularly thoughtful tone: “Well, not quite every culture…”

As one – warily, and as if drawn by unspeakable horror – the Fellowship turned to look at Gandalf, who had remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout this debate. He puffed contentedly on his pipe and simply looked back at them with eyebrow raised, daring them to ask.

Pippin opened his mouth eagerly, and then without preamble was punched right in the stomach by Merry.

Later, when they were all asleep and Legolas had taken the first watch, Pippin rolled onto his back and sighed thoughtfully. “I wish we hadn’t gone into all that now, you know? I feel hellishly homesick.”

His cousin patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll be home soon, Pip.”

“I hope so – I want to be back in the Shire. It’s a terrible thing to think of, never going back. Why, I might never have Diamond cast aspersions on my honour ever again!”

“I shouldn’t worry about it. I have no doubt she’ll be denying the very existence of your honour the minute we get back.”

Pippin perked up. “You think so?”

“I’m sure of it.” Merry tucked an arm behind his head. “Funny to think of, isn’t it, old Gandalf? Though I suppose he doesn’t go in much for romance - wizards probably have too much to think about, what with their great works and all.”

“And their staffs.”

“Yes Pip.”

“It must take a lot of maintaining, a mighty staff such as that.”

“Good night, Pippin.”

“And another thing – ”

“Pip?”

“Yes?”

“I can’t help but think you’re working your way up to a dirty joke about a wizard’s staff. I’d rather you didn’t, if it’s all the same to you.”

[rantsofabookworm]

fuck yall. Legolas is trans and he wears a binder FIGHT ME

[aegir-emblem]

I did FaceApp on the Hobbits from the Fellowship... Frodo and Merry kinda look the same but... bro... Pippin be kindof cute tho 😳 Being bi is just awesome sometimes...