#bill is gay it’s confirmed now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hairstevington · 1 year

Text

flowers and ink (part 2)

Eddie Munson x Steve Harrington

Summary: Eddie and Steve like each other, but unfortunately Eddie thinks Steve is dating Robin, and they're both generally just gay disasters who don't know how to communicate

(part one found here)

Word Count: 3K

Warnings: Tattoo Artist!Eddie, Florist!Steve, fluff, gay panic, Platonic Soulmates Steve and Robin, Will is here and we love him, everybody is a sweetheart and an idiot, it's just cute and funny

A/N: Ha ha, remember when I said this would be two parts? I'm having so much fun with it that I'm making it three parts. I hope you don't mind??? Also this story is officially cross posted on Ao3 for those interested!

“Steve, did you give Eddie a 50% tip?” Robin asked as they walked out of Ink About It.

“Well, I’ve never been that great at math,” Steve mumbled, blushing.

“Uh-huh. I’m sure that’s the reason.”

“He did a great job?” Steve offered. He wasn’t even sure why he was denying the obvious. Robin knew Steve way too well to play these games.

“You like Eddie,” she stated.

“I barely know him,” Steve shrugged.

“Yeah, but his work is permanently on your skin forever,” Robin pointed out.

“Jesus, why did you have to say that?” Steve whined with a groan. “He’s hot, okay? Will you just leave it?”

He knew she wouldn’t leave it. It was kind of her specialty.

“It was just so cute seeing you be all flirty with him,” Robin said.

“God, I hope it wasn’t that obvious.”

“Don’t worry, he was too focused on his work to notice,” she assured him. “Come on, we just did something big, let’s celebrate!”

So, they did.

The next time they worked together, the teasing was relentless. Steve couldn’t escape it due to the tattoo shop being right through the glass. He couldn’t help trying to see if Eddie was in there.

“Oh my god, just go back there and talk to him,” Robin suggested.

“I can’t just go there, Robin,” Steve replied. “I’d have to, like, make another appointment or something.”

“You’re willing to get a new tattoo every time you see this guy, Dingus?” Steve chuckled.

“If I have to, sure.” Robin smacked him playfully on the arm.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Oh, and you’re any better?” Steve challenged. “Remind me again why you started working here.” Robin rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, we’re both gay disasters,” she replied. “I still think you should go over there. I’ll cover for you.”

“Wait, you mean now?” Steve asked, confused.

“Yeah,” Robin confirmed. “It’s been so slow I’m going crazy, Harrington. I need something to spice up the day, and this fits the bill.” She put her hands on his chest and pushed him backwards toward the front door. “Do it. Go.” Steve sighed.

“It’s a good thing I love you, Buckley.”

And with that, he was off to the tattoo parlor.

Bob took the morning off to take Will to brunch, leaving Eddie alone in the shop. He didn’t mind holding the fort, because he could plan breaks and moments to relax based on the appointments he had for the day. Tattoo shops were chill.

Most people generally knew not to walk into a tattoo place without notice. Appointments and communication beforehand were necessary so that the artist could design and adjust, plan their day, etc.

Steve apparently didn’t have that memo. But when he sauntered into Ink About It, Eddie didn’t care about his lack of a heads up.

He was wearing his work polo - light blue with the name of the flower shop over his heart. He looked a bit nervous, but Eddie figured that was because the man clearly did not fit into a place like this.

“Back for more already?” Eddie teased. Steve blushed, and it was cute how nervous tattooing made him. He wondered if Steve regretted getting one in the first place.

“I just have a question,” Steve said. He walked up to the counter and leaned his elbows on it, making the height difference between them drastic enough where Steve had to angle his chin up to make eye contact.

“Shoot,” Eddie permitted.

“Is the damn thing supposed to like - peel?” Steve asked.

Eddie just about lost it. He never wanted to make someone feel bad for not knowing these things, but Steve was just so goddamn cute about it. He pressed his lips together as tightly as he could so he wouldn’t give himself away, then nodded.

“Yup,” Eddie answered. “The first week or so you’ll see it flake off. Don’t pick at it or scrub it or anything.”

“Would it come off if I do?” Steve asked.

Okay. Now the guy HAD to be fucking with him. Don’t laugh don’t laugh be professional do what Bob would do.

“I - uh, well no I’m afraid tattoos are permanent, Steve,” Eddie responded. Steve looked at him dumbly for a second, then shifted back up to standing and burst out laughing.

Eddie watched, confused, until Steve spoke again.

“I’m just fucking with you Eddie. I may not know a lot about tattoos, but I know they’re permanent, okay?” Eddie seeing Steve goof around like this was charming in a way Eddie hadn’t seen yet. He’d really only known Steve with a brave face on, caring for Robin when she got scared. Eddie had already been crushing on Steve, and hearing him laugh now took the crush to new heights.

“Oh,” Eddie said, smiling back with a light chuckle. “Alright then. So yeah, if it’s flaking that’s okay, but I can look at it if you want.” Steve nodded, so Eddie gestured for them to go back to the space where Steve got the tattoo in the first place.

Steve stood there awkwardly, looking at the table he was supposed to sit on, then down at his ankle, then back up.

“How do you want me?” he asked.

Eddie really wished he didn’t say that.

“Uh, you can just sit like you did the other day and pull your pant leg up.” Steve did as told, crossing his left leg over his right so his ankle was in clear view.

Eddie knew at first glance it was healing just fine, but he lingered on his work for an extra few seconds, just to extend the moment as much as he could.

“So, what’s the verdict?” Steve asked, nervously. Eddie shook his head to get himself out of his daze.

“Everything looks good,” he confirmed. “Maybe a bit dry. Are you putting lotion on it?”

Steve nodded, then named a kind of lotion Eddie knew was shit for this sort of thing, but it would do in a pinch. Eddie caught sight of the clock and realized Bob was going to show up with Will any moment.

“I guess I should head out,” Steve said, noticing Eddie’s focus drifting to the time.

“Uh, right,” Eddie said. He really did need Steve to go, but he didn’t want him to. “Yeah, I got - the manager is coming in soon with this kid who I guess is into art. I’m supposed to show him the ropes and -” Eddie paused, realizing he was just about to spill his whole guts to Steve without even thinking about it.

“And?” Steve pressed. Shit. Eddie took a deep breath.

“I guess the kid just came out and Bob thinks he needs another gay person to talk to or something,” Eddie admitted.

“Oh,” Steve replied. Eddie couldn’t read his expression. He definitely looked a bit surprised, but most people did. Eddie couldn’t even count the amount of times someone had said something like, I had no idea. You don’t look it. Like, what the fuck does that even mean? He waited for Steve to say something similar, but instead the door opened.

“Hey, Eds, we’re back!” Bob announced from the waiting area.

“Uh, good luck,” Steve mumbled, fixing his pant leg and standing up. He turned to leave, but froze when he saw the kid. “Will?”

“Steve?!”

“Wait, you two know each other?” Eddie asked, confused.

“Uh, yeah. I kinda used to babysit him,” Steve answered. “How have you been, dude? You’re almost as tall as me now!”

Eddie and Bob watched as Will ran to Steve and hugged him, both of them smiling warmly.

“I’m good! Things are good!” Will said. He separated from Steve and looked to Eddie. “You must be the artist Bob has told me about.”

“That’s me,” Eddie replied with a wave. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Well, I gotta get back to work,” Steve said, knowing that he was no longer supposed to be there. “But you’re in good hands with Eddie. He just gave me my first tattoo and he’s pretty great.”

Eddie had no idea why Steve was complimenting him so much. He could feel himself blushing.

“You work at the place across the street?” Will asked. Steve nodded. “Yup, with Robin,” he answered.

“Oh, how’s she doing?” Will asked.

“She’s good. Same as always. Still the best person I know.”

Aww. That was sweet. But also annoying. For Eddie, anyway. Their goddamn relationship was long term and solid as ever, apparently.

Steve insisted again that he should get going, and then he was off.

“So,” Eddie said, clapping his hands together. “What do you want to see first?”

They started with a tour of the place. Eddie showed Will his tattooing space first, going over the tools and explaining how it all worked. Then, Will started asking Eddie about his own tattoos, so they went over all of those next. It took a long time, because Eddie had a lot of tattoos to explain, each of them with their own backstory. Some backstories were more involved and coherent than others. Some of them just consisted of, “oh yeah, I was kinda tipsy and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Don’t do that by the way.”

“I don’t want a tattoo, anyway,” Will had responded. Eddie nodded, but had an inkling from the way Will was so fascinated by all this that he’d change his mind someday.

After that, Eddie showed Will a bunch of designs he’d done in the past, then a few he was currently working on. Will ended up showing Eddie some of the drawings he’d done.

“Oh, shit,” Eddie said, completely blown away. “You’re really talented, man.”

“Thanks,” Will replied with a smile. “I’ve been doing it my whole life.”

“That’s awesome. So, you think you’re gonna get into tattooing?”

“I dunno, maybe,” he responded with a shrug. “I’m going to college in the fall for art, but I don’t really know what I’m gonna do with it yet.”

“That’s soooo normal,” Eddie replied. He’d heard people say as much often, so he figured he’d pass the knowledge along. “I didn’t go to college, but I found my place here. I wasn’t an artist my whole life like you, but it turned out to kind of be perfect for me.”

“Isn’t it weird to have your designs on people’s bodies forever?”

“It’s kind of awesome, actually,” Eddie said with a grin. “It was a little wild at first to work on skin, but thankfully they had me start on oranges, first.”

“Really?” Will asked, amused. “I had no idea!”

“Yeah!” Eddie responded. “You wanna try?”

“You just have an orange lying around?”

“I like citrus, what can I tell ya.”

Will practiced a few designs under Eddie’s watch. He caught a glimpse of Bob in the office, smiling at the two of them bonding.

Will was cool. He was sweet. He was also sarcastic in a sneaky way. Sometimes he’d say something that caught Eddie off guard, just because Will seemed shy and quiet at first. He wasn’t, really.

“I know why Bob wanted me to meet you,” Will said. They’d peeled the orange and were now splitting it.

“Hm?” Eddie asked. “I mean, so you could check out the shop, right?”

“It’s okay, I know he wants me to talk to other gay people,” Will pointed out, rolling his eyes. “Bob isn’t that slick.”

Eddie chuckled. Smart kid.

“Yeah, well I’ll talk about it if you want me to, but figured I’d let you bring it up first. When I was your age, I didn’t really wanna talk to anyone, but you’re a lot different than I was.”

“What do you mean?” Will asked.

“Uhhhhhhh….” Eddie looked around nervously. Bob had closed the door to the office. “I was all over the place back then. I was the school freak - that’s literally what they called me.”

Eddie had gotten over the trauma of high school the last few years. His life stabilized, and he realized all the shit people thought about him were irrelevant. He left all of it behind, and he was a lot happier now.

“People bully me too,” Will confessed quietly.

“People suck,” Eddie said with a sigh. “I guess that much hasn’t changed since I graduated. Maybe we aren’t so different after all, then.”

Eddie didn’t think Will dealt drugs or got into fights like Eddie used to, but people don’t have to go through the same things to feel the same things.

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.

Eddie’s gay. This changes everything.

Steve did his best to exit Ink About It calmly, and it took everything in him not to fully sprint across the street. He still ended up doing a fast walk that was basically a jog.

He flung himself to the door and opened it, taking a deep breath.

“Robin!” he shouted.

His eyes focused on the absolute chaos happening in the shop. People were everywhere, like what the fuck? Robin was manning the register and answering questions as best as she could, but she was clearly in over her head.

“Help,” she mouthed with terror in her eyes.

Steve desperately wanted to tell her that this was karma for her saying she was bored and sending Steve away. He also wanted to tell her about his time at Ink About It. But there were other priorities first.

Steve quickly swooped in to help her cash customers out. She scurried to the back to handle the many customers who wanted to know about the various flowers being sold.

Steve was able to gather through small talk with the customers that prom was happening at the school down the road, and everyone was getting last minute flowers for their dates.

More accurately, the parents were. Some brave kids showed up, but they looked completely lost.

They continued working until the rush died down, leaving the two of them on the edge of exhaustion.

“That was brutal,” Steve muttered as he splayed himself across the counter.

“So brutal,” Robin agreed. She was lying fully on the ground, starfish style. Bits of stems and flower petals surrounded her. It was kind of pretty, actually.

“Hold on, stay right there,” Steve said, pulling his phone from his pocket. Before Robin could object, Steve snapped a picture from above.

“Hey!” she said, sitting up. “I don’t want this moment of my life documented, Steven!”

“Yes, you do. Look.” Steve bent down and showed her the picture. After a moment, she nodded.

“Okay, fine. Yes. That’s going on my Instagram, thank you.”

“You should put it on your Hinge profile, too,” Steve suggested.

“Good idea,” Robin agreed. She jumped to her feet and sighed. “I’m gonna go clean up the back.”

“I’ll be here,” Steve replied.

Ten minutes went by, and then Steve heard a squealing.

“Shit! Fuck!” Robin didn’t actually curse that often, so Steve knew something must be very wrong.

“Robs? You okay back there?” He rounded the corner just as Robin squatted behind some bouquets, concealing herself.

“Don’t!” she yelled. “Okay, well actually I do need your help, but you have to promise not to laugh.”

“I can’t promise that, but I’ll try,” Steve said with a smirk.

Robin straightened herself back up, and Steve got the full picture of what had happened. Her hair was all kinds of tangled in a watering can.

He laughed so hard he cried.

“I hate you, DIngus,” she muttered, not nearly as amused by the situation.

“This is why you leave the watering to me,” Steve joked. “Come on, let’s get you fixed up.”

This is stupid. This is so stupid. Eddie, you are stupid. Get some help.

He was headed to Flowers for All with unscented lotion. For Steve. Because Eddie had no chill and was a simp.

He didn’t even care if Steve was queer, or if he was taken. Eddie just wanted to talk to him more.

So stupid.

Eddie walked in, triggering the bell above the door. He quickly heard voices from the back.

“Shit! Someone’s here!”

“It’s ok I got it I got it.”

There were more sounds of shuffling for a few seconds before Steve tumbled out of a doorway, blushing.

Oh my god. Did I just interrupt them hooking up?

Eddie somehow felt even more like a dumbass. He wasn’t fazed by them getting it on at work - it’s not like he hadn’t done that before - it’s that he brought goddamn unscented lotion to his client’s place of work, unannounced and unprompted.

“I - shit, sorry,” Eddie said, just about ready to turn and bolt.

“It’s okay!” Steve assured him. “What’s going on Eddie?”

Robin ran out of the room so fast she almost fell over.

“Eddie! What a wonderful surprise!”

There was a teasing quality to her voice that Eddie mistook for her trying to cover up how flustered she was. This was all but confirmed when Steve gently elbowed her in the rib.

“I brought this for you,” Eddie said. He raised the stupid fucking lotion so it was in plain view, then forced himself to walk to the counter and leave it there. “It’s what I use. Your tattoo will heal better. Uh - both of them. For both of you, I mean.”

“Hey, thanks, man.” Steve smiled and grabbed the lotion, inspecting it.

“Do all tattoo artists care this much about their clients?” Robin asked. There was that teasing sound again. Is she jealous or something?

“Well, I - Bob always tells me to be nice so I do my best. Sorry if I interrupted anything.”

Steve and Robin shared a knowing look.

“You didn’t,” Steve said casually. “We’re finally dead again, which is the way we like it.”

“Yeah,” Robin agreed. “It was rough earlier, but we survived.”

“We always do,” Steve added.

They were so friendly and kind, and they clearly loved each other very much. Eddie knew he needed to go. He had to go. He just needs to say goodbye, turn around, and -

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about something,” Eddie blurted out.

Shit.

He didn’t actually have anything to talk about. But luckily, one of his special skills included the ability to never shut the fuck up.

He took a deep breath and decided to do a little improv.

(part three)

-----------------------

Check out my Masterlist!

@paintballkid711 @abraca-fxckyou @allbimyself26 @jellybabiesforall @allbymyselfexceptformycactus @justaloadofgarbage-blog @alliemunsonsstuff @undreamingscatworld @thefruityfours @hobbitnarwhal @calivanus @wreckmyplans-thatsmyman @antheia @goodolefashionedloverboi @lillemilly @missmagillicuddy @steviesbicrisis @gamerdano @menamesniall @eyeslikewildflowers111 @callmesirkay @stringischeese @eds-trashmouth

@mnl-enuh @redfreckledwolf @itsanarrum @soulsofstarsliveinyourveins @gregre369 @stevesbipanic @momotonescreaming @aryakanojiaa @wrenisflying @comicmadlover @lilacrobin @itch-my-b0nez @anonymousbandgirl @disastardly @Dang_Dirty_Demons @daisyellsong @val-from-lawrence @starryeyedpoet17 @taikawaiteatea @clumsiluni @hollysimone @swimmingbirdrunningrock @witchofhawkins @steddiegarbage @suddenlyinlove @ricekristytreaty @eddielives1986

#steddie #steddie fic #steve harrington #eddie munson #will byers #robin buckley #bob newby #flowers and ink #modern day au #eddie munson x steve harrington #steve and eddie #writing #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #st fic #st fanfic

193 notes · View notes

cordycepsfem · 2 days

Text

Today in: “Pride isn’t for gay people anymore”: I went to the website for the Pride event in the big city near me. You’ll never guess what I found.

We acknowledge and honor that the Stonewall Riots, the historical origin of Pride, were in response to police harassment of LGBTQ+ people, especially those who were trans, nonbinary, and people of color.

That sounds super incorrect. For one thing:

… so no, there were not a bunch of heckin’ cool smol bean enbies at the Stonewall Riots. There weren’t really any trans people as we understand trans today - they were transsexuals, so they were also usually gay.

For another thing: it was not solely in commemoration of the Riots. Pride was also a demonstration for equal rights.

But let’s see who Boston thinks Pride is for now:

“Memorialize the queer, trans, Black, Indigenous, and People of Color…, activists at the forefront of the 20th century lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual, plus… movement.”

So we can’t, by this standard, memorialize Brenda Howard. She’s called the Mother of Pride, but she was white and Jewish and didn’t call herself queer. She was very outspoken about being bisexual.

Or any of the other founders of Pride, who were also white, and half lesbian, half gay men. Some are still alive, so I get not being able to “memorialize” them, but really, you can’t spare a breath for them?

How about Barbara Gittings, described as “the mother of the LGBT civil rights movement”? She’s dead, but again, she’s white, and she was a lesbian, not “queer.”

Or Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer?

How about Gilbert Baker, who sewed the first rainbow pride flag and said it covered everyone? It didn’t need to be subsumed by every niche demographic, it was for all of us.

Who are these mysterious QTBIPOC who seem to have done all the heavy lifting, to the point where they’re being fetishized and commemorated at a massive Pride event like Boston’s? Why don’t we know their names? Who are the few intersex individuals who don’t mind being callously lumped in with a group who uses them as a “gotcha”?

The names that come to mind when I think of today’s activism include Eli Erlick (confirmed rapist), Chase Strangio (fights in court so boys can change with girls and play in their sports and children can receive net negative life-altering drugs and surgical procedures), Elliot Page (poster boy for sadness), Dylan Mulvaney (he thinks he knows what a woman is), Erin Reed (scare-mongering nutjob who can’t read a legal bill to save his life)… and then I’m out. Who else falls into this stunning and brave category?

Also, anyone find it a little unpleasant that these “queer” people have now superseded the “LGB” people mentioned as an afterthought in the second part of the paragraph?

Whoever this Pride’s for, it’s not for LGB people anymore.

#pride #pride month #Boston Pride #radblr #radical feminism #terfs do touch #terfblr #gender nonsense #drop the t #eli erlick known rapist #qtbipoc

24 notes · View notes

messedupfan · 2 years

Text

Bound To Fall | Leigh Shaw x Reader (Request)

Summary: Based on this anonymous request. Things are rocky between Y/n and Leigh after she starts a new job. Can things be mended before it's too late?

Warnings: angst, some smut (18+), emotional damage. (I will not be covering therapy bills and neither will B. So read at your discretion)

Red text is written by @abimess

A/N: Surprise!! It's a collab!! Special thank you to B for helping me with this story, it wouldn't be as strong as it is without you! Definitely wouldn't have a title either! It took me a few drafts to finally come up with something for this but I'm glad I did. I apologize for the wait, anon! Also Matt isn't a teacher in this. He does something in writing. Fasten your seatbelts she's, they's, and gay's, it's going to be a bumpy ride. I hope you all enjoy it! And requests are still open.

Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | Requests

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stir the spoon around in the tea you made. You intended to drink it but have been too upset to even take a sip. It was closing in on midnight and she still wasn’t home. She hasn’t called or texted once since she left. She hasn’t answered or responded to your messages. She promised that she wouldn’t be out too late but it’s well past the curfew the two of you had agreed on. Briana comes bounding down the stairs again.

“Where’s mommy?” She pouts with tears at the brim of her dark hazel eyes. “I can’t sleep without my goodnight kiss from mommy.”

You sigh as you turn to look at your child. “I gave you extra kisses. Those didn’t work?”

She shakes her little head, “I need mommy’s kisses too.”

You stand from your stool and walk over to get her back to her bed. She is resistant at first but you promise that her mom will be back soon. Briana agrees to go to bed and wait a little bit longer. After tucking her in, you return to the barstool in the kitchen and continue to wait by your cell. Hoping that the call you receive isn’t a hospital informing you that your wife is gone.

It’s another hour before she is being led into the house by her co-worker. She is giggling and when she sees you, her eyes widen. “Oh my goodness! You stayed up? You didn’t have to stay up!” Leigh walks out of the guy’s arms and stumbles over to you. “Don’t I just have the best spouse ever?” She has her arms around you and she kisses your cheek. You clench your jaw to hold back the anger that is poisoning your body.

“You didn’t tell me that Matt was going to be there,” you say with a tight expression, trying to keep your cool.

“We ran into each other at the club–”

“I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to my wife,” you snap at him.

Matt holds his hands up in surrender. Leigh giggles, “Aw don’t be a grumpy pants. The overprotective jealousy thing was hot in college but now it’s not necessary.” She begins to kiss your face excessively but you were too upset to let her have any effect on you. “Uh-oh, looks like I’m going to be in trouble.” She mutters while moving her face away. “Thank you for taking care of me, Matt. You can go now,” she says, waving him goodbye.

“Are you sure that you’ll be okay?” His implication upsets you even further.

Who was he to think that you would harm your wife? “She’s home, of course she’s okay.” You respond in a short tone.

“Respectfully, I would prefer to hear that from her,” lucky for him, Briana comes running down the stairs for her mom.

Leigh smiles at her coworker as she confirms that she’ll be fine and the man finally leaves. You don’t miss the longing look he gives her just before he exits. It makes your blood boil. He didn’t want her when he had her and now he wants to complicate the life the two of you have? “Bri! Why are you up past your bedtime, sweetheart?” She does her best to speak clearly to the little girl who was clinging to her leg but still has a little slur in her speech.

She giggles and beams up at Leigh, “You sound funny, mommy.”

“Mommy is just tired, like I know you are! Come on. Let’s get you to bed, baby girl. You go first, I’ll be right behind you,” she sends the girl off and she shakes her head at you. “She’s not going to want to get up for daycare tomorrow. You were supposed to put her to bed on time.”

You begin to laugh sarcastically at the fact that she is upset with you when you were the one that was home and she wasn’t and she hasn’t been for months. “You so do not want to go there with me right now,” you say in response to her asking what was funny. “I’ll help you up the stairs and into bed but I’m sleeping in the guest room again tonight.”

Leigh frowns but doesn’t question it. She does the night routine that Briana is familiar with and the little girl is finally able to sleep. A soft smile makes a quick appearance on your grumpy features when you admire your sleeping child. It disappears when Leigh reaches out to hold your hand. You pull away and gesture for her to walk ahead of you, keeping your distance from her. Only to ensure that she gets to the room safely under her condition. You’ve heard one too many horror stories of someone dying from a slip while drunk. You might be upset with her, but you still care about her wellbeing.

Stopping at the door, Leigh turns around with tears in her eyes. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here,” you reply.

She shakes her head, “No, you’re not.”

“Goodnight, Leigh,” you walk away from her to go to your room. It was technically the guest room, but it was slowly becoming your room. Another thing you hated.

The next few days are tense, but the two of you put up a happy front for your daughter. She didn’t need to know how unhappy her parents were and she was still too young to pick up on it. Unfortunately, you and Leigh are left with a mountain of unresolved issues which only continues to grow. That is, until you come home from work one day to find Leigh sitting in the living room waiting for you.

“Bri is with my mom for the night,” she states before you can rush upstairs to avoid her.

You sigh and set your messenger bag on the hook by the garage door. “You know that I prefer to watch her when you go out.”

“I’m not going out,” she says.

Your face contorts in confusion, “Then why isn’t she home? We had plans to do a few of those big puzzles and watch one of the popular animated movies that got added to streaming.”

“We need to talk and we can’t do that while she’s home, so I had my mom take her.” Leigh explains.

You slump down in a seat across from her. “Maybe not talking is the only thing saving this marriage,” you say bitterly.

Leigh sets her jaw to hide how sharp your words are. “What happened to us?” She whispers. She hasn’t been able to figure it out. One minute, she’s in the best marriage she could ever dream of. Her family was happy. She was happy. You were happy. Then it was as if overnight all of that changed. You grew distant and cold, treating her the way you would treat the rest of the world. She didn’t understand it and she didn’t like it. “Is there someone else?”

The question makes you look at her. “I don’t know. Is there?”

Leigh’s eyebrows knit together. Why would you accuse her? She wasn’t the one who changed. Unless she was the one. No. Her confusion wasn’t noticeable. Was it? What did you know? How much did you know? Is that why you changed? “No, there is only you. There has only ever been you.” She watches you scoff with disbelief and she can’t believe the reaction. You have always trusted her when she told you those words. You never doubted her or her faithfulness to you. “What did I do to make you feel this way? How can I fix it? How can I fix us?”

You stand up from your seat, prepared to find any excuse to walk out before you say something you might regret. But a bitterness inside you decides that she needs to hear whatever it is that you have to say. Even if it’s something that could damage this family beyond repair. “You know, when you started working late nights I tried to tell myself that you were just doing your job. I foolishly believed that I had nothing to worry about. That you loved me and our family and you would never do anything to jeopardize it.”

“I wouldn’t! I haven’t!” Leigh pleads with you.

You ignore her and continue on. “So imagine my surprise when I find out that the person that was keeping you at the office late was none other than your ex-boyfriend. At an office party nonetheless!”

“I love you. I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” she swears.

You continue to ignore her. “But I chose to not let the humiliation of the people around your office being so surprised you were married to me and not to him get to me. No, I felt safe and secure in our relationship. Leigh, my best friend, mother of our child, my loving and devoted wife would never cheat on me.” She bites her tongue, wanting to defend herself but knowing there was no use. You have the floor now and you won’t let her take it. “I continue on, like an idiot, trusting that the reason my wife is at work late is because she has so much important stuff to do that she can’t make it home in time for family dinner. She at least makes it in time to tuck our daughter into bed and she shares a bed with me at night. That’s what matters right? That you came home to me and weren’t sleeping in someone else's bed.”

Leigh knows where this is headed and she wants to tell you that you were ridiculous in your assumption. That nothing happened at all the night she claimed to have spent the night at the office. But she vowed to never lie to you, she just hasn’t figured out how to tell you.

“Did you know that I stopped by that night to bring you food?”

The reveal makes her heart drop. “You what?” She whispers.

“We had made plans that night. You left a message, telling me that you weren’t going to make it home for the date we had scheduled. That you were looking forward to it and were bummed because all you had eaten that day was potato chips from the vending machine,” you recall the voicemail that you’ve played over and over. Trying to figure out where she lied to you, because it all seemed to be the truth but what you found that night led you to question everything. “I felt bad, so I got the babysitter for Bri anyway and I ordered some food from your favorite restaurant and I came to your office to drop it off. Maybe even try to convince you to have a break with me. So we could reconnect and save this marriage!” Your voice rises in the last sentence as the anger from that night returns and Leigh flinches. You weren’t the type to ever raise your voice often, especially not to her.

“Why didn’t you?” She asks. If you had walked in, she wouldn’t have been carrying this guilt with her for what happened that night. You could have stopped it. Why didn’t you stop it?

You scoff at her question. “I didn’t want to interrupt,” you say bitterly.

“What did you see?”

“I heard you laughing when I was walking through to find your office. I thought maybe you were on a break watching some dumb video on the internet. Then I heard his voice. I wanted to believe there were other people working late with the two of you but no. It was just you and him.” You give her a moment to say anything, maybe tell you that at some point there were others, but she lets you continue. “When I finally did see you, you looked cozy on the couch in his office. You looked just like you did in college. You had that same dopey look, like you could never love anyone the way you did him. I know it well, you used to look at me like that… before he came back into our lives.”

Leigh shakes her head, there was no way she was giving him that look. Or was she? That’s what he claimed when she tried to tell him it should have never happened. He said he only crossed that line because of the way she looked at him. Maybe she had to accept that she did. It wasn’t intentional but it happened. You wouldn’t say it if it didn’t. How can she tell you that she didn’t mean it? That would put into question if she means it when she looks at you that way. How was she supposed to convince you that she does?

“I watched and I waited for you to act the way a married person does. Stop him from getting closer. Keep your distance. Keep things friendly, or strictly business. But then you asked him why he was sitting so far away. And to tell you more about his semester abroad. The one that resulted in the end of your relationship. You asked him if he ever regretted losing you–”

“I wasn’t in my right mind, we were celebrating. Did you miss the bottle of wine or did you just not have enough of a view?” She snaps at you. She wants to continue to deny that she invited it. That as a married woman, she wanted someone else.

“That’s no excuse, Leigh! Do you know what I do with the people that hit on me when I’m drinking?” She stumbles on coming up with an answer but you interrupt her. “Nothing! I go looking for you!”

“I might have had some unresolved issues. It’s complicated.” Stressed out, she moves her hands through her long hair.

You cross your arms over your chest and shrug, “Uncomplicate it for me, Leigh. If not for me then for our daughter. She deserves that much.”

Leigh presses her lips together and bounces her leg as she tries to make sense of something in minutes that she hasn’t in months. “Not everyone can be so fucking perfect all of the damn time. Okay? Some of us have flaws!”

You can’t believe that is her defense for her actions. You sit one arm on the other, with one laying across your chest and use your index finger and thumb to rub your eyebrows. “Did you know that I would have forgiven you, had you told me about the kiss that night?” Her eyes dart to your direction but it's so tough to look at you when you won’t look at her. “I might’ve even done so without the details. But,” you shrug and scratch your nose. “You didn’t tell me. Every day that you didn’t tell me, it just made it harder to find a reason to forgive you. It made it harder to believe that you weren’t cheating on me the whole time.”

Leigh drops her head shamefully but she doesn’t want this to be her fault. You were there, you should’ve caught her or had this conversation with her sooner. Why didn’t you? Were you only trying to make her look bad? Did you hate her? Were you trying to destroy this marriage?

“Then the big project was done and I thought I could finally have my wife back. I had plans to try and reconnect, even some to talk about what I saw. I was going to be calm and understanding. But then you started to avoid me. Every attempt I made, you just pulled away further. I wanted to believe… I still want to believe that you were doing what you said you were doing. Then the other night, you come home well past Bri’s curfew, drunk, and hanging off of him. What am I supposed to think? Am I being an idiot? Am I the asshole here, not seeing something? Am I trapping you in a marriage that you don’t want to be in? Do I not love you enough? Do you not love me at all anymore?”

“No, that’s not why I–” she stops herself. Any explanation would only hurt you further but there is no way to heal you without explaining it. “When I started working there, I didn’t know that being around him would bring back so many old feelings. I thought they had died with our relationship. It was confusing. I knew that I loved you, I still do. But there was a time when I thought I might still love him. I needed to know, and I didn’t know how else to figure that out. So, yeah, I had a few drinks with him. I talked about things I otherwise wouldn’t have and when he kissed me, I let him. But it didn’t go beyond that. I felt so stupid and ashamed and I betrayed you. There isn’t a doubt or an excuse for it. It happened and I am sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take all of it back.”

Feeling as though you have been hit by a freight train, you fall back into your seat. The two of you sit in silence for a long period of time. Processing and not knowing what to say. You can't figure out where you went wrong that she felt the need to be with someone else. That she felt things towards someone who hurt her time and time again. That’s when you realized you needed to cut yourself out of the equation. It wasn’t about you. It was about her. But why? Why would she do this to herself? Why would she risk losing what she had? Was she not happy with it anymore? Was there anything you could do or was she on a self-destructive path? How could you help her? Could you even help her?

Meanwhile, Leigh is sitting there waiting for you to blow up. She also can't understand or let go of the fact that you let it happen. That you let her get away with it for so long. That you didn't catch her. That you didn't talk about it until now. When it might be too late. “If you already knew, why didn’t you say anything?” She finally asks.

You scoff, “I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wanted you to come to me. I thought I was very clear that you could come to me about anything and everything. But maybe I should’ve just caught you in the act or something. I don't know.” You look at your hands as you play with your wedding ring. You took it off to remember the day she put it on you. To remember that happiness. But all you can think about is maybe she didn't share in that happiness.

“Why didn't you?” She observes you carefully as you frown at the ring that once made you light up a room with a grand smile.

“Because, Leigh, you were. You were supposed to think about me and our daughter, our family, and what you were risking. What you might lose. Over a silly kiss.” You rub your hand over your eyes with your elbow resting on the arm of the chair. It was the first piece of furniture that you bought for the house. She had pointed it out while the two of you were window shopping one time. When the two of you bought the house, she hadn’t known that the deal had been finalized until you brought her back and the chair was sitting in the middle of the living room with a big red bow and a sign that welcomed her home.“You were supposed to stop yourself. Come home, and talk about it. I told you about the time an intern kissed me at work! The day it happened.”

“Yeah, but you have no history with that person. You didn’t have to worry about my reaction the way I did with you.”

“What did you think my reaction would be?”

“I,” she isn’t really sure. She had stressed over many scenarios, but she couldn’t think of a single one to tell you. “I don’t know.” She drops her face in her hands and grips her hair. “I was afraid and confused, everything was confusing.”

You sigh, you didn’t like seeing your wife in pain. But you can’t sit next to her. You can’t comfort her right now, because then nothing will get resolved. She could kiss you and you could lose yourself in her and then the two of you will think that everything is okay until everything builds and it isn’t anymore. It needed to be figured out today. You couldn’t continue to live the way you have the past few months. “What is it now?” You ask, trying to be the understanding person that you wanted to be for her. There were very few people in this world that you had this kind of patience for and she knows that, she appreciates that you haven’t completely given up on her.

“It’s… well, it’s less confusing. I know what I want, who I want,” she looks at you when she clarifies. “I know what I did was foolish and selfish and you deserve so much better than that.” Leigh grabs a tissue to blow her nose. “I’m still scared to death that I fucked everything up. I haven’t given you any reason to trust me anymore. I can swear to you that those nights I wasn’t here, I was with Jules or with friends. Hiding from you so that I didn’t have to tell you what I did. I can promise that the other night, Matt was just there. He wasn’t invited, I tried to avoid him but seeing him there… The guilt was awful. I just kept drinking. I don’t think I’ve had that much to drink in years. My friends tried to cut me off early and Drew was supposed to take me home but Matt offered. He doesn’t know, no one does, so he let him take me home. I couldn’t tell him why it was a bad idea.” She pauses, playing with the tissue. “I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t believe me.”

“Good,” you start, “because I don’t.” Leigh nods and wipes some of her tears. She was at a loss of what to do now. In all of the scenarios in her head, she never came up with this one. As for you, all you want to do is cry and scream and throw things but you don’t. You keep yourself cemented to the chair. Not even trusting yourself to pace around the living room. Afraid you’ll lash out on the innocent objects around you. Setting your ring on the coffee table in front of you, you rub your palms together. “Was it worth it?”

“Of course not,” the lack of hesitation gives you some relief but not enough. “What can I do to fix this?” The desperation in her voice tugs at your heart and part of you wants to forgive her and let it go. But what if that leads her to do it again? What if forgiving her isn’t enough for you? What if you can’t let it go?

You shrug, “I don’t know. I…” you sigh, not having a solution. “I wish things could go back to what it was but we can’t, ever. Before is gone now. What comes after this… I don’t know if we’re going to make it.”

Leigh gets upset by this. “So that’s it? One meaningless kiss and you’re ready to throw all of this away? You’re just done! You’re just giving up?” Now her voice is raised.

“That’s not what I said!”

“Isn’t it thought?”

“Look, it wasn’t just a meaningless kiss and you know it! I almost lost you to him once! And the entire time the two of you were together I had to stand by while he treated you like crap and you allowed it!” She doesn’t try to cut you off when you mention the relationship she had with Matt back in college. You were right. It was awful, she never felt as low and insecure as she did when she was dating him. “Damnit, Leigh! I thought what we had was special! To know that a part of you still wanted him! After how he hurt you! Clearly there’s more going on that you need to figure out and I can’t help you with it!”

Leigh nods, “You’re right, I need to work a few things out. I’ve been selfish these last few months and I don’t know. I just. Fuck.” She gets up from her place on the sofa. “I’m just like my father.” She walks away because she is beginning to feel like the walls are closing in on her. She steps out onto the back porch to get some fresh air. You let her be on her own, give her some space. What she did to you wasn’t nearly as bad as what her father had done to her mother. Or was it?

His affair was more physical, something that didn’t last once he was caught. But this was deeper. This was emotional. This was with an ex of hers. But she’s right, it was one kiss. It could have been worse. She could have been sleeping with him. Part of you still thinks she did but you wanted to hold onto what she said. That she was with anybody but him. But then, just the fact that she compared herself to her father raised some flags. You get up and walk over to the door that led to the backyard and lean on the frame. She was holding onto the banister and looking out to the garden the two of you made together. It was full of dead plants having been ignored by the both of you. Was that what this marriage was now?

“Are you,” you stop, almost not wanting to ask, too afraid of the answer. “Are you like your father?” You get out through a shaky tone. She is quiet and you take that as a bad sign. “Was it more than a kiss? Did you sleep with–”

She spins around with wide eyes, “No! That is not what I meant when I said that!” You ask her to elaborate what she did mean by the statement. “When things got tough for him, instead of seeking help he just blew up his life even more. Instead of tending to the minor, fixable problems he had, he created more problems that he couldn’t come back from. Problems that could have been avoided. That’s what I’m talking about.” She takes a breath, you could almost see her clarity in her expression.

“If I had just told you what losing my job meant to me. What it felt like only getting one job out of the hundreds I applied to. How I didn’t feel comfortable at first because I’m pretty sure the only reason I got it is because my ex was the person in charge of hiring. That I hated that my only options were this job and going back to work for my mom. That I wasn’t confident in my work anymore because the person reviewing all of it was him. That I haven’t recognized myself in almost a year.” She pauses and takes a small step closer to you. Waiting for you to take a step back. You stay.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have been there for you, Leigh,” you say.

“I wish I knew,” she replies. She doesn’t know why she didn’t, she just knows that she should have.

Not being able to handle the distance from her anymore, you step off from the door frame and hold your arms open for her. Leigh crashes against you almost instantly, letting the sobs rip through her. You hold her close and reassure her that you’re still here for her. No matter what.

The two of you spend the rest of the evening winding down from the intense conversation. You order food but the both of you don’t have much of an appetite and you end up pushing the food around your plate until Leigh says that she’s tired. You admit that you are drained as well and help put the food away. When the kitchen is clean, there is an awkward tension of not knowing what to do next.

“Will you sleep with me tonight?” Leigh asks, reaching for your hand.

You’re hesitant but you let her take your hand. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex right now,” you admit.

She keeps her eyes to your hand, noticing that you haven’t put your ring back on. “I know that, I meant just sleeping. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping without you. I miss sharing a bed with you.”

You sigh, figuring there couldn’t be too much harm to share the bed with her for the night. “I suppose that is okay.” Pulling you by your hand, she takes you to the bedroom and gets ready for bed. It was a strange experience for you. Returning to the bedtime routine for the two of you after months. For the first time, you felt like a stranger in your own home. There was an awkwardness that never existed between the two of you before. The first thing that drew you to Leigh was how comfortable she made you. Why was that stripped away? Was it from this one night of confessions? Or was it built from the months of neglecting the relationship?

When you climb into bed, neither of you knows how to settle in next to each other. You wanted to put a wall of pillows between the two of you and she wanted to be held by you. So that she can’t request anything from you, you turn away from her and tell her goodnight. She says it back, adding that she loves you. You don’t say it back. You did still love her. It just… it hurt now and that was confusing.

Leigh peacefully falls asleep, but you spend the night tossing and turning. Not sure what to do. She needed to get help but would she get help if you stayed? Did she need an extra push? Or would that only give her more reasons to hide things from you? Maybe you needed a break. Maybe you needed to get away for a bit. She has had plenty of time and space away from you. But she needed help right now. Was it fair to abandon her when she finally opened up to you? The racing thoughts frustrated you. There was no one answer to any of these. None of them seemed simple.

In the morning, you tell her that she needs to see a therapist and that the two of you should do couples counseling. She agrees. To show that she is serious about mending the things she had cracked, possibly broken, she makes the appointments later that day. The two of you didn’t talk to each other much once Briana was home. Instead, the three of you went out for frozen yogurt, saw a movie and then had dinner. Then came home, did Briana’s bedtime routine, and she asked you to join her in bed again. You do it, because you need to. In order to see if things were getting better on your end.

Several months later, after many sessions in couples therapy, you wake up in the middle of the night with the fear that you were drowning. Nothing had been resolved because neither of you were truly trying at the sessions. The both of you had said way more that one night than you had in the many expensive hour long therapy sessions. You were beginning to feel like the only way you would know if you still loved Leigh, is if you are without her.

So, in the middle of the night, you write her a letter explaining why you’re not next to her. You tell her that you needed some space and that you desperately hope this will only bring the two of you closer. But that if it doesn’t work out that way, your hope is that neither of you hate each other if things have to end. You quietly pack a bag, stopping at every small movement she makes. Then you get in your car and drive, uncertain of your destination. You didn’t want to go to a friend's house because then it would broadcast your marital problems. You didn’t want to go to a hotel because that felt like a step towards divorce. Not the direction you wanted to head. So you just drive and think.

Leigh’s heart drops when she finds a note instead of you. Her heart breaks as she reads it over and over. Why was it that when you thought things were good, she was silently suffering and when she thought things were getting better, you were? What caused this seemingly sudden imbalance and why couldn’t the balance be restored? She isn’t able to dwell on it for long because Briana comes running into the room requesting a fun breakfast. The kind only you can make. She forces back the tears and hides her pain behind a smile as she promises to make something just as special.

You return home late that night. Surprising Leigh. She was sitting in the living room with a movie on, crying. She wanted to blame the tears on the film but she knew they were from the troubles between the two of you and with herself. You open your mouth to say something but she holds her finger up to her lips before pointing to her lap. Briana was fast asleep. You nod and sneak your way up the stairs, needing to take a shower.

At one point during your drive, you pulled over to a hiking trail and went to the top to just think. You sat in the sun for hours, a little too close to the edge without realizing. When you decided it was time to stand up, the sand and rocks had gotten soft and crumbled under your feet. You slipped off of the ledge but was lucky enough to grab onto something sturdy enough to pull you up. When you got back up, you didn’t even process the cuts you got, you just stood there and stared at how far of a drop it was. You could have died and no one would have known what happened. Your wife would have thought you abandoned her. Your daughter would have grown to believe the same.

It really puts into perspective what your life is and what you want out of your life. It wasn’t this. On the hike down, you got sick and stopped to throw up, close to passing out. You were lucky that some hikers found you and helped you to your car. One drove you to the hospital in your car and the other followed in their car. You were dehydrated, had a concussion, a few bruises and required a few stitches but were otherwise fine. You take your time in the shower and when you get out, Leigh is sitting on the bed.

“I thought you needed your space,” she starts.

You play with the waist strap of your robe as you lick your lips, “I did. Then something happened.”

Leigh looks down at her hands. “Did you,” she pauses to consider her words carefully, “Were you with someone else?” She looks back up at you with tears sitting on the brim of her eyes.

You shake your head, “No, I went on a hike and,” you open your robe slightly to reveal the stitches and scratches on your side. “It got pretty fucking scary.” Leigh jumps from the bed and frets over you, asking what happened and if you’re okay and why you didn’t call. “I’m fine, I’m still a little startled but I’m fine. I’m alive. I’m home. I’m here, with you.” You reach out to hold her face with your fingertips as your palms need to have a new bandage on them. “But it made me realize that neither of us are happy and neither of us are trying to make each other happy. We can’t live our lives like this. We can’t pretend things haven’t changed or that certain things didn’t happen.” She closes her eyes, knowing that you’re right but not wanting to let you go. “We do need space. We need to find ourselves again. We’re lost, the both of us, and it’s killing us. Maybe the time apart will bring us back together. Maybe it won’t. But we can’t keep going the way we are.”

“What do you want?” She whispers.

“I’m going to move out,” you state, “but I’m not giving up.”

“You almost died and you realized that you don’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t think we should drag this out longer than it has to be,” she says more to protect herself from the pain of hearing you end the relationship. She’s not sure she can survive it.

“That’s not true,” you try to get her to look at you. She doesn’t so you continue anyway. “It made me realize that I miss you too. That you aren’t you and I’m not me. I kept blaming you for not telling me what you were going through but I couldn’t even see that you were drowning. I avoided you as much as you avoided me. I hid behind our daughter. Leigh,” you call her name and use your knuckle to lift her chin up to you. “I don’t want to hate you because we forgot how to communicate with each other.” She meets your eyes and for the first time in almost a year, you don’t look away from her. Leigh’s breath catches at the intensity of your gaze and her eyes flit down to your lips. It’s been so long since she’s had them and she can’t even remember what they felt like against her. She moves closer and you let her.

Leigh finally presses her lips against yours, gripping your robe as if she can keep you from slipping through her fingers further than you already have. You let her kiss you, but you don’t respond as eagerly. You savor the feel of her soft lips, her taste, the desperate way she pulls you closer while being cautious about your injuries. It tells you that she needs you. That she still loves you. This is the first time that you haven’t wanted to pull away or run from her. This time you ignore all of the reasons not to and you allow for things to go further.

The moment you both fall onto the mattress, her body beneath yours and you fitting into her in the way that used to be so perfect, your first impulse is to run away. But she traps you there with her legs around your waist, her hands still trying to work on your robe. So you stay there, your mouth on hers, wondering if they fit as perfectly as hers did with his, if she slid her tongue against his like she's doing with yours now. You wonder about it until you can’t bear it anymore, then you move your lips down her jaw, ignoring everything in your mind screaming at you to stop, paying mind to that - although smaller, just as eager - part that tells you how much you missed her, how much you want to feel her.

When Leigh's hands finally undo the knot that kept the garment secure around your body, your own find her pajama shorts, pulling them down so desperately that her breath gets caught in her throat, surprise and excitement overcoming her entire being. Maybe that's all you needed. A moment to reconnect, to be reminded of what it feels like to belong to each other, that you still belong to each other. She has no idea, however, that the reason for your desperation is that you need to feel something immediately before you break down, intoxicating your mind with something other than the voices screaming inside your head. But she lets the lower part of her clothes slide off her legs to the floor anyway, and pushes the robe you wear off your shoulders so that it joins with her garments.

It's easier not to think about things when your fingers slide with ease in between her folds, and much more so when her own works between your legs, Leigh's teeth trapping your lower lip when the sounds she loves so much start to leave your mouth unintentionally. The warmth in the pit of your stomach spreads throughout your entire body, the nails of her free hand scratching your back and her moans helping just as much as the sensation to keep the doubts at bay. But the moment your high takes over you, you close your eyes, and the scene of that night in the office behind your closed eyelids is almost as vivid as witnessing it with your bare eyes.

Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe you shouldn't have done this at all. Leigh's loud moan and her walls squeezing your fingers let you know she's reached her own high. But they also make your eyes water, your chest tighten. It wasn't supposed to be like this. You should be thinking about your wife and your wife alone - underneath you with her breathing ragged, not with her ex-boyfriend's lips all over her. The idea makes your stomach churn.

In Leigh's head, however, in the last few months, there has never been a more hopeful moment than this, the undone knot below her belly also undoing some of the tension in her shoulders. You are hers and she is yours. Things might be hard and you might have lost each other for a moment, but she can feel it now. Things would get better. "I lo-" Her lazy words are cut off by your lips pressed to hers harshly.

You can't hear that. You can't say that. Hell, you can't talk right now. The heat of the moment leaves all your emotions running wild. Any words spoken now would be a mistake, a path of no return. So you use your mouth for something else, running it all the way down her body, tracing the path you know drives her crazy, scolding yourself for thinking so much about what it was like for her when it was with him. Her hands in your hair when you reach your destination work like an anchor; grounding you to that moment with her, to your wife.

But then she's cumming again, against your lips this time, and when she tugs on your hair for you to come back up, it's all back again. All the pain, the doubts, the insecurities. You love her. You know you do. And there's still hope in you that it will all work out. Even if you can’t see how right now. She smiles at you when you climb your way back to her and smiling back at her is so easy. Why can't it all be this easy?

"I'm gonna get you some water." You say the first thing in your mind, an excuse to get out of that room before you explode. "I can go with you." Her eyebrows are frowning but the smile is still on her lips. She seems more at peace than she's been in quite a while, and you find yourself hating yourself for not trying as hard as you could. "It's okay, you must be tired."

"Will you come back?" Her question is uncertain, her eyes scanning yours with concern. You don't know what gave you away. Whether it was your voice, your expression, or just the fact that she knew you better than anyone else. But you force a smile anyway, ignoring the lump in your throat to kiss her forehead. "Of course." You can feel her body relaxing against yours at your reassurance, nodding as she lazily runs her fingers down your back in a gesture that was meant to be a caress, but which makes your skin burn in every place she touches.

"Okay." Leigh gives you her confirmation, and you waste no time standing up, ignoring the pain in your body from the injuries of your hiking incident. You can feel your wife's eyes following your every movement, but you avoid her gaze at all costs as you put your robe back on. You flash her a short smile as you reach the door, however, receiving an - although content - uncertain one. And, finally out of the room, you don't fight the tears in your eyes anymore.

In the morning, you wake up with the searing pain the adrenaline and pain killers from the hospital had protected you against. Leigh is quick to take care of you. She cleans and redresses your wounds, then she quickly goes out to have your prescription filled so you don’t have to. The rest of the day she lets you rest and comes to your aid whenever you need. You were relieved that she spent most of her time outside of the room with your daughter. Anytime she was in the room only made it more confusing in your mind. It reminds you of that time in college, before the two of you got together.

You had gotten so sick that you couldn’t even get out of bed. Your roommates had abandoned you because it was close to the final exams and none of them could afford to get sick. Not that you blamed them, if it had been any of them you would’ve moved out just to be safe. Besides, it wasn’t like you were close with any of them. Leigh was the only person that cared to check on you when she noticed you weren’t in class. You tried to push her away, but she stayed and she took care of you. She made you feel things you never felt for or from a person before with that act of kindness. Shortly after that, you asked her out and never regretted that decision once. Being taken care of by her now made you want to stay.

But once you’re rested and no longer need the medication to manage the pain, you sign a year lease on an apartment. She is livid when you are packing your things. Throwing your clothes at you as she rips them out of the boxes. You let her get it out, at least she wasn’t holding back anymore and it made you proud. When she broke down in tears, you held her until she fell asleep. You waited until she left for work before you moved your boxes into your car.

Settling into your apartment is the worst night of your life. You wanted to be home with your daughter. You didn’t want to be alone in this empty place. Nonetheless, you survive the night and the next and the next. You don’t make the place feel like home, you don’t even set up the second bedroom for Briana. You don’t want your daughter to be here ever but that means you see less of her. It hurts but you made a promise that you weren’t giving up and that would be giving up. The boxes you have are the only things you use for your clothes. The only piece of furniture that you buy is a mattress and box spring because you need it in order to get sleep. But the quality of rest you get is very low since you don’t have your family with you.

The only time you see Briana is when you need to pick her up from school and drop her off with either Amy or Jules. Sometimes you extend the visits by getting a treat with her, or even picking up some new popular toy that she absolutely must have. Briana is happy about those things, until she asks you when you’re coming back home. You always disappoint her with not having a set answer.

You see Leigh at the couple therapy sessions that have gone from quiet and polite to screaming matches which progress further to finally hearing each other out and even making each other laugh again. It was much like riding a roller coaster and it made you recognize that life was a roller coaster. Full of highs and lows, good times and bad. That life will always be that way, regardless if you give up on something or keep working on it. You were grateful that not only you chose to but that she chose to keep fighting as well.

At the end of the most recent session, your therapist gives the strangest homework assignment you’ve ever been given in your life. She assigns the two of you to go out on a date together. You were to take her out on a date sometime between this appointment and the next one. You didn’t like the idea of it being something that was expected of you. Something like that should be something more natural. Something you’re allowed to do and not have to do. But Leigh seemed to be hopeful and looking forward to the date.

The two of you leave the session side by side and you aren’t sure when you’re supposed to ask her. Or even if you’re supposed to or just set a place and time. Reaching the parking lot, Leigh lets you know what direction her car is parked, yours happened to be on the opposite side of the lot. So before you separate, you figure it would be best to set a plan. “Listen, I want to ask you out. I do, but,” you sigh, putting your hands into the pocket of your pants. “What does your work schedule look like? So I won't pick a bad day for you.”

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.” She plays with her car keys nervously. “Well, a few weeks ago, someone told Matt about our separation,” she gestures between the two of you and you worry about where this was going. “He requested that I stay behind one day and I thought it was going to be constructive feedback about something I had submitted and was waiting to hear back on. But instead he confessed his undying love for me and tried to kiss me.” The annoyance in her tone and features amuse you and you choose to focus on that instead of getting upset. “He didn’t get close enough, of course, I shut it down and I just quit. I gathered my belongings and got out of there. I’m back to working for my mom, so any night is good for me.”

You stand there, stunned. “Wow, okay, how do you feel about that? I know the last thing you wanted to do was go back to that place.”

Leigh shrugs with a slow smile, she looks so much lighter. You hadn’t realized how different she looked until now. “It’s actually not so bad. I started working on my first novel since I have so much free time. Besides, I get to be with Bri more than I have since I went on maternity leave. Nothing is better than that.”

You smile, a little jealous about how much she gets to be around your daughter. “Yeah, I bet it’s amazing. She, uh, she mentioned something about you being home a lot. I just thought that meant no more late nights.” You take your phone out to check your calendar and pick a day that works best for you. “How does that sound?” You ask sheepishly. It was strange, having to ask the woman you married out on a date. You felt like you were doing it all wrong, but with the way things were, it didn’t seem like there was a right way.

“Yeah, it works. Although, I have an early curfew,” she says in remarks to Briana’s bedtime ritual.

“Right, of course. I promise to have you home by eight. Eight thirty the latest.” The two of you go your separate ways and the rest of the week you have a new giddiness that you haven’t felt since the beginning of the relationship. You make reservations at a nice restaurant, making sure to let her know where you’re taking her. You have your best outfit dry cleaned and you even get your car washed.

The night that you show up, knocking on the front door with two chocolate roses, she opens the door dressed in a honey plaid blazer, a black blouse, and black jeans. She is stunning and you’re left speechless. It was a new outfit and you felt bad that you didn’t do the same for her, but she knew that you weren’t as involved in your clothing. In fact, she’s the one who helped you upgrade your style. It wasn’t a full on makeover kind of thing but you appreciated that she helped you with owning clothing for special occasions.

You hand her one of the roses. “One for you and,” Briana comes running to the door to greet you, “one for you!” She excitedly pulls you through the door to show you something. It was the first time in months that you’ve been inside your own house. Everything looked so different. Nothing was, maybe a new throw pillow or piece of framed kids artwork, but nothing significant was different. And yet, it all looked different. Felt different. You look over at Leigh, emotions starting to build up, “Are you ready to go?”

“Uh, we have to wait for Jules,” she responds as she spins the stem of the fake flower between her fingers. On the first Valentine's day the two of you had as a couple, she didn’t want you to do anything crazy special. She wasn’t into the corporate holiday, but you still showed up to her dorm with a chocolate rose and took her out. That time it was a simple dinner at a fast food place and to a movie because that’s all that you could afford. What you did varied each year but every Valentine’s after that, you made sure to buy her a chocolate rose. One year you even tried to make one, you failed but she loved it anyway. The last one you gave her was the year she was pregnant with Briana. She had all but forgotten about them. It was one of those little things that Dr. Robbins talked about. “I thought you might like some extra time with Bri,” she grins at you.

“Thank you,” you say and let Briana take you on a tour of your home. She thinks that you have forgotten it and she needs to remind you of what everything looks like. She ends her tour at the wall of photos so that you can admire them. There were pictures of you and Leigh when you were young and in love. Baby pictures of Briana. Photos of family events. A few pictures of Jules with different partners. She always requested that Leigh take them down after every break up but she never did. You know it was because Leigh did it to mess with her little sister which normally amused you until you noticed a new picture on the wall. It was the picture from the office holiday party at Leigh’s work. It isn’t a picture of you and her, it was of her and Matt.

Leigh joins your side to look at the pictures with you. She makes some small talk, mentioning the memories of photos she points out. Then she notices that you’re not really paying attention to her and she follows your gaze. “Oh shit,” she quickly removes it from the wall. “I told Jules to get rid of it! I can’t believe this is where she put it!” She struggles with opening the frame. “I can explain this, I promise. It’s not at all what it looks like. I swear I didn’t even know it was up here.”

You quietly take it from her hands and stare at it. They are posing together because someone must’ve requested it. His arm is around her and he is smiling at the camera. Leigh is holding a flute of champagne and smiling at him. Her expression is soft and it looks similar to the ones around the rest of the wall, where she’s looking at you, but there is something else there. Something darker. She was in pain. She wasn’t in love with him. She was just feeling the way she did when she was first with him. Insecure and lost. You weren’t the one who made her feel that way so it wasn’t associated with you. It was associated with him. She thought what she was feeling toward him was romantic but it was just a cry for help. You clench your jaw as you tap the wood of the frame against the palm of your hand. “Where did this come from?”

“He sent it, with a note and some flowers. I tore up the note and threw out the flowers. It came in a different frame and I gave it to Jules because she liked it. She was there when it was delivered. He had it sent to my new job. I guess she reframed it to get back at me or something. It’s a sick joke,” she explains and reaches to take it from your hands but you hold onto it. “Stop, it’s just a stupid picture,” she says in a whisper.

You nod in agreement, it was a stupid picture. But it reminded you where you failed as a spouse. Which made it less stupid. “I think we should burn it,” you suggest. “Just to see if it will reappear again. Maybe he got a witch to enchant it or something.”

Leigh scoffs, “You’re joking? I’m over here having a heart attack and you’re making jokes!”

You shrug, “I’m pretty serious about burning it but if you find humor in it, good for you.” Then to let her know that you are making light of the situation, you break into a grin and she shakes her head at you. Jules rushes into the house and she freezes at the sight of you holding the picture in your hand. “Oh good, we can go now.” You hand the picture frame to Jules, “Not funny, but nice try. Have fun with Bri.” Jules shuts her eyes and curses to herself as she holds the frame.

“Leigh,” she starts an apology but her sister tells her to save it. She really didn’t care to hear it. The two of you say goodnight to Briana on your way out. Then walk hand in hand to your car.

During dinner, you can’t help thinking how different things feel with her. It was a good difference, but it was an adjustment. It’s been a while since you’ve shared a meal with her and even longer since you’ve had a decent conversation with her. She talked mostly of her life without you and it hadn’t hit you how long the two of you had been separated for. And you didn’t realize how much you put your life on pause for. Leigh was talking about having started a book club with her friends who meet every other week to discuss the books they choose. That Briana had really gotten into art more than ever before. She was also having playdates regularly with her new best friend that you hadn’t heard of before. She talked about how helpful her mom and sister have been since the separation. That she even has a better relationship with her father and how much her therapy has been helping.

There was so much going on in her life that you were having a hard time imagining a place for you in it. Other than the couples therapy where you’re back in her life for an hour a week. She was fine without you. She doesn’t need you. “What about you?” She asks when she notices how quiet you’ve been. “What have you been up to lately?”

It takes you a moment to come up with an answer that didn’t sound sad. You didn’t want to drop the good mood she was in but you weren’t able to match her level. “Uh, I go to work, I pick up Bri, and then I go home. I don’t do much else, except of course the thing with you.”

“Oh,” she isn’t sure what else to say. “You know that you can always have Bri over if you–”

You shake your head, “I didn’t want that. I,” you sigh and drop your fork to your plate. “My apartment isn’t furnished or decorated. I don’t want it to be a permanent place. It’s not supposed to be. When we started this, I thought we would still see more of each other–”

“That’s not how we give each other space.”

“I know,” you sigh, “I know but still. I didn’t think that I was supposed to have a life, you know outside of trying to get ours back.” Your tone was heavy with upset and accusation.

Leigh drops her utensils, “I’m only doing what was asked of us. Which was to find ourselves outside of our marriage. No one told you to sit and wait for things to get better.”

“Don’t give me that, I like who I am in our marriage. I like staying home with you and Bri on a Friday night. I don’t like other people, I don’t like going out, I never have. You know that,” you respond.

“I know, but sometimes I like to go to dinners with my friends. The kind that they bring their spouses along to. I always felt, I don’t know, left out because you wouldn’t go to those.”

“This again? Leigh, every time I go to those I upset everyone. I thought we agreed it was better that I just stayed home.”

“Yes, this again. Maybe you could try treating other people like they are people. Like the way you treat me and Bri. Why can’t you be funny and kind to everyone else?”

“Because I don’t care about everyone else!” You close your eyes to center yourself and lower your voice. “It’s hard for me to talk to people. You know that.”

She nods and crosses her arms, “I do, and I think it might be something you should work on. I love our time alone together, Y/n. But I need more. If you were in my shoes, you would too. I don’t always enjoy the company of others but sometimes I do and I want to be able to share that with you. The way my friends can with their people.”

You mirror her and cross your arms over your chest. “You’ve changed and I’m happy for you. That’s what you wanted to do and I still care about you. But I’m not changing who I am. I like who I am,” you shrug.

She nods a couple of times before slightly leaning over the table to keep her words private as the two of you are getting the attention of others. “So basically, you’re just waiting for me to come back to you. To a marriage that wasn’t working. After all of this work I’ve done on myself to fix this marriage.”

You shake your head, “What are you talking about? Plenty of people would be happy with our arrangement.”

“Well I’m not any of those people and I’m telling you that I’m not happy about it,” she states sharply.

“I see,” you poke your tongue around the inside of your mouth. “I think I’m ready to go home now,” you wave the waiter over to ask for the check and Leigh puts up no protest. When you drop her off at the house Jules asks how it went and you only thank her for watching Briana. That night you start looking for ideas for Briana’s bedroom. This was going to take longer than you originally thought and you couldn’t keep going on without being around your daughter.

At the next session, Leigh is quick to tattle on you for not working on yourself and the therapist agrees with her. You haven’t been putting in the required work in order for things to progress. You needed to find yourself outside of the marriage. You needed to have interests other than the bare minimum. You needed to have a life that wasn’t just staying home, eating frozen meals, and watching the entirety of streaming channels on your laptop. You needed to stop waiting.

So you start looking online for things to do outside of work. You go to a local activities center to sign up for different clubs to test them out. You find no joy in any of them and get yourself kicked out of three. You also start seeing a therapist for yourself. Well, you cycle through a different therapist a week for five weeks. Unable to connect with a single one, until you give up and settle for the sixth one. After two months of going to a therapist, you didn’t feel any different in where you stand. But you offered Leigh a compromise to host more dinner parties at home, not seeing the reason to go out when they could come over. She liked the idea but only if you agreed to go out at least once a month. Reluctantly, you agree.

Dr. Robbins congratulates the two of you on the progress and assigns another date. This time you have more stories to share with her. Hectic things that happen at work, the things you do with Bri when she’s over at your apartment, the hobbies and activities you’ve failed at and the stuff you actually took a liking to. “Now, it’s not a group thing like your book club. But trust me, individually adding those beads to the sticky paper has really kept me sane the past few months. I can show you some of the ones I’ve done so far!” You reach for your phone to show her but she stops you.

“It’s okay, I can see them the next time I drop Bri off. No devices, remember?”

“Oh, right,” there was a small list of rules that the therapist gave the two of you for how to go on the date. The most important one being no distracting electronics of any kind. “How is the book club?”

Leigh smiles, “It’s been good. I um, I actually gave them all of the chapters that I have finished so far when no one could agree on a book and the feedback was very positive and some of them even had helpful ideas. It was really amazing seeing people so engaged with something I wrote.”

“That’s amazing! I’m not surprised at all, you’re a talented writer and I’m so glad that you finally see that.” She thanks you for the compliment with flushed cheeks and you smile back at her. It goes quiet for a bit after that. The two of you enjoying the food in front of you. “I would love to read it when you’re ready to share it with me,” you eventually say.

“Oh, yeah, I’ll email it to you as soon as I get home.” You thank her while taking a sip of your drink and she stops moving her full fork as she recognizes a certain piece of jewelry on your hand. “You put it back on,” she points to your wedding ring.

“Oh, yeah, I did.” You flex your fingers out in front of you. “My assistant asked if the divorce was finalized and it put me in a bad mood. I hadn’t even thought about it since I took it off. I wasn’t even sure that I brought it with me when I moved out but, well, there it is.” You resume eating and the rest of the meal, Leigh has a smile on her face. She finally felt like she was going in a good direction with you.

At the end of the date, you walk her to the front door but she doesn’t open it as fast as she did last time. “Well,” she says and you look at her cluelessly. She lets out a soft laugh as she licks her lips. “I’m pretty sure this is the part where you kiss me goodnight.”

“On the first date?”

She gives you a look that says are you kidding me? “Technically it's our second.”

“Ah, because the first one went so well,” you say playfully.

“And last time I checked, we’re still married,” she says matter-of-fact.

You look to her hand to see her wedding ring then drop your gaze to your hand and nod, “That’s true.” You weren’t sure why you were being hesitant so you lean in and just as your lips are about to meet, Jules opens the door startling the two of you apart.

“Oh, that’s why. My bad, carry on,” she shuts the door. You and Leigh share a laugh but she still expects a kiss. Now you know why you weren’t so quick to kiss her. You were still so in love with her that you would probably throw all of the work out the window and come back home and never attend another couples session. The last time you kissed her you allowed things to go further than you probably should’ve. Or, kissing her could make you realize that all of this work might not be worth it anymore. That it could be easier to go your separate ways.

So much can be undone by this one kiss and that idea almost seemed ridiculous to you. Until you remember why you’re here in the first place. You try to block it out of your mind. You didn’t need to go back there. You need to be here, in this moment, with her. Leigh starts to get discouraged by how long it’s taking you to make a simple move on her. Maybe this was a mistake, maybe she should’ve waited, or maybe she should’ve just done it herself. Then you place an intimate kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry,” you whisper. “It’s too much right now. I’m not there yet.”

She nods in understanding and places her hand on your cheek, she rubs her thumb back and forth as she admires you for a moment. “It’s okay, another time,” she says hopefully but you aren’t certain there will be one. You nod, for her sake, maybe even for yours, and wish her a goodnight.

Because the date went so well, you’re encouraged to go on more. But it felt… odd. To be dating the woman you married close to ten years ago. It almost felt like an entirely new relationship. The two of you were living separate lives for the most part; homes, friends, etc. Nothing was what it used to be, which is a tough pill to swallow but people aren’t meant to stay the same forever. They’re meant to grow, evolve. This was the two of you evolving, separately but somehow still together. The fact that the good elements from your old relationship still existed and only seemed better than before was comforting. As for the old problems, the two of you discover them and deal with them as they arise. Instead of pretending they don’t exist or hoping they disappear on their own.

Physically, you’re still keeping your distance. You hug her at the end of the dates, or kiss her forehead, or caress her face. But never go further than that. Still working through the issues you have with being physically intimate. As for emotionally, you don’t believe there was ever a time when you and Leigh were so vulnerable and intimate with each other. Yes, the both of you could argue knowing each other more than anyone else, but there were so many new sides that you were learning of. Not just from her but from yourself as well. You were learning how to better communicate with other people and even managed to meet people you actually enjoyed talking with. You hadn’t realized before that your friends were really Leigh’s friends.

Now that you started meeting with a few people after work to have a few drinks every so often, you started to feel less lonely. That was part of the problem with Leigh. The only time you didn’t feel alone before was either with her or with Briana, that wasn’t fair to either of them. Now, you had people to talk to that you weren’t paying for and they had similar interests that you didn’t have to introduce to them and explain over and over. It was fun and it was easy.

Then they planned a dinner where they included their significant others and the loneliness returned. You finally understood what Leigh meant when she mentioned that she felt left out. Yes, there are moments when everyone engages on a topic, but there are also the moments when people have conversations amongst themselves. It was awkward and you missed Leigh. You know that she would have come if you had invited her. But you needed to experience this without her in order to understand.

The session after that, you apologize for being stubborn and for isolating yourself from the world for so long which in turn isolated her from it. To reward the impressive strides of progress the two of you have made as individuals and as a couple, the next assignment is for the two of you to make your own moves in the relationship. Without her input or guidance. The therapist encouraged the two of you to still come to counseling, because it’s good for even the healthiest of couples but it wouldn’t be weekly and she was no longer going to give assignments. What happens from here, it is up to you and Leigh.

That created some anxiety for you but you already knew what you wanted to do. It was something you had been wrestling with for sometime. But as you’re walking to your car, this time parked next to hers, Leigh startles you by saying, “I think we should have sex.” You lose balance when you trip over your own foot but you catch yourself before you make an even bigger fool of yourself. “I just… We haven’t in a long time. You know, not since…” she trails off.

“I remember,” you give her an apologetic glance. During one of the sessions you had to talk about why you still left after that night. What was going through your head when you slept with her. The hard part wasn’t telling her how you felt. The hard part was hearing what was going through her mind when she made love to you that night. She was heartbroken and angry with you to find out that you used her the way that you did. Not only that you slept with her and made her feel wonderful during one of her most vulnerable nights. It was the hope that you gave her that hurt her the most. Part of you even knew what that night would mean for her. But you did it anyway. She has since forgiven you as you have forgiven her. But that didn’t mean the reminder didn’t sting a little.

Leigh gingerly places her hand on your forearm, “I’m not saying right now or tomorrow. I’m just putting it out there.” She works her hand up your arm as she stands closer to you, so that you can smell her perfume. It was the kind that drove you crazy and she knew that. Clearly, she’s had some ways to improve the relationship on her mind as well. “I want you,” she says in a low, alluring tone. “I need you,” she tucks her bottom lip under her teeth as she meets your eyes with hers. She was doing all of the old tricks she knew that used to hypnotize you. Fortunately for her, they were still working. You were having a hard time not kissing her. But in the parking lot of the therapist's office was not the place you wanted to kiss her for the first time.

“I’ll, um,” you swallow thickly, “I’ll think about it. We should uh, we should go. I think we have to um. You have a babysitter for Bri right? Wouldn’t want to have to pay her more than you already do, right?” You adjust the collar of your shirt and Leigh takes pleasure in watching your squirm. She wasn’t certain if she could still have that effect on you. It was almost better than if you gave into her right now.

She shakes her head with a soft giggle, “She’s at your apartment with a sitter. Remember?”

“She is?” You look away from Leigh to collect your thoughts. “Right, right, she is. Well, I have to go,” you finally step away from her. “I’ll call you later,” you say as you unlock your car. She nods once as she confidently struts to her car, knowing that your gaze is on her. You start the car when she starts hers and it’s taking everything in you to not jump into her car and give her what she wants right then and there.

You take the long way back to your apartment to cool off. Leigh had awakened something inside of you that had been asleep for far too long. You go through a drive-thru to pick up dinner for you and Briana because there was no way you were going to be able to focus long enough to cook. You just had to get her fed and put to bed so that you could go to sleep. That is, if you can fall asleep.

The task proves to be a difficult one when all you can do is think about being with Leigh. It doesn’t help when she sends you a short video to tease you. It wasn’t anything too revealing, her face wasn’t even in the frame, she was in her pajama shorts and had on one of your t-shirts that you left behind. But the shirt wasn’t covering her stomach. She had it bunched up to show her smooth skin as she ran her fingers down the length of her abdomen and stopped at the top of her shorts. All you could respond with was calling her evil. She wished you goodnight and you wanted to throw your phone across the room just so you could tear your eyes away from the video. It was so simple, yet it triggered many pleasurable memories of being with her. Shaking your head, you reach your hand into your pajama pants knowing that you wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise.

The next day, when you knew she was at work, you send her a spicy text message which she opened near Jules. Her sister didn’t see anything, she wasn’t even paying attention to Leigh. But the second she realized what the message was, she covered her screen as if you had sent a dirty picture. Her reply made you laugh as she scolded you for trying to distract her at work. You told her it was payback for making you lose sleep.

This led to a series of teasing each other when either of you least expected it. That is, until one day Briana is playing on Leigh’s phone and you had sent a link of something you wanted to try with Leigh. Thankfully, Briana didn’t see anything, all she did was excitedly return the device to her mom. She was always happy to see you and Leigh talking to each other. Leigh texted you immediately that the game was over and why. You couldn’t agree more, you don’t even want to think about what Briana could’ve seen had the situation been reversed.

On a date with Leigh, this time at your apartment for a special meal you made instead of an expensive restaurant, you try to figure out how to tell her what the next step in the relationship it is that you want to take. You make a nice setting, she has a glass of wine, there are candles lit around. A few in the kitchen, one on the coffee table, and another in the center of the dinner table. Not enough to maintain lighting. But enough to keep the place smelling nice. You have the lighting on a low setting, to give off the romantic candle lit date effect which she appreciates the efforts you were making.

Leigh was hopeful this evening would lead to more physical events. She wasn’t expecting sex, but she was expecting something more than a hug. Though, she most definitely had the former on her mind. It was almost impossible not to. She thought you were the most attractive person she had ever laid her eyes on and she was human. She has needs that only you could fulfill.

She was sitting at the kitchen counter, watching you cook and imagining being with you again. You were going over your speech in your head as you tried to keep a light conversation between the two of you. Effectively ignoring her bedroom eyes. She hardly responds, most of the time you have to repeat yourself because she was lost in a daydream. When you serve the food you have her move over to the table and fumble trying to bring up why you asked her on this date in the first place. “So, my landlord emailed me the other – what are you doing?” You were sitting close to her and she was taking full advantage, she had one hand on your thigh as she ate her food with the other.

Leigh shrugs and plays it off, “Nothing. This is really good by the way. Where did you get the recipe?”

You clench your jaw to focus on her question and not how good her touch felt. “My,” you clear your throat, “it was something my mom taught me during her last visit.”

“Awe, I miss your mom. She finally started talking to me again, but she’s still not happy with me.”

“Yeah, she’ll come around. Eventually,” you grab your water and gulp half of it down because your mouth has suddenly gotten very dry. Her fingers were only lightly caressing the fabric of your jeans, something that wouldn’t normally affect you so much, but after a long time of abstaining it was making your entire body scream for her. Now, with your mind completely invaded with thoughts of Leigh, you throw your entire plan out the window. It could wait a little longer. This, however, could not.

"Yeah, I was actually thinking of- humpf!" Whatever Leigh was about to tell you was cut short by your lips crashing against hers, so eagerly that she almost knocks her drink. But the loud surprised noise she gave woke you up immediately, widening your eyes as you pulled away from her - fighting the heavy magnetic field that keeps your body so close to her. "I-I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking-" Now it's your time to be interrupted, her mouth coming back to yours at record time. "Don't apologize, I like it when you don't overthink things, just... Do what you want."

"What I want now is to take you to my bedroom." You let her know in a hoarse voice, your lips still tingle as you gaze at her own, watching as the corners of her mouth lift up in a smirk. "Well," she starts in a husky voice, leaning forward, smiling proudly at the way your eyes descend to the low cleavage of the dress she so carefully picked with those exact intentions. "What are you waiting for?"

Your eyes snap back up to hers as you smile softly. In silence, you stand up from your chair, holding your hand in front of your body for her to take. Leigh does so with a smile of her own on her lips, making a point of keeping her body as close to yours as possible as she places herself on her feet. But the little distance between your torsos is still too wide for her, so she uses her free hand to wrap it on your tie, pulling you closer until your mouth is back at hers again.

The action makes you groan as you remember all the other times she's done it before. Of you coming home from dates before and after you got married, or even just those times you got back from work and were greeted with your wife with a fire that only you were able to put down. And it also made you remember how this one was the first real kiss you’ve shared since that night. The last time you touched her in all these months. No wonder why you missed her so much, why her tongue sliding against yours is driving her crazy.

You pulling her up by her thighs surprised Leigh greatly, but she took no time wrapping her legs around your body, deepening the kiss as her arms loosely enveloped around your neck. As you take her to your destination, eyes closed and mouths messily pressed together, bumping into pieces of furniture along the way is inevitable. But both of you laugh every time you do, and the sound of her laugh makes your heart fill with such love you can't even process it. The way she smiles against your lips lets you know she's feeling the same way.

When you reach the bedroom, you press her against the closest wall to keep her steady. But your back was still hurting sharply, and you groan as you put her back on the floor. "Sorry, I guess I'm too old for that." You comment sheepishly, but the giggle she lets out is content, and she looks at you so dearly that you feel like there's not a single reason to be embarrassed. "It's okay, that was hot enough." Leigh answers good-naturedly, and now it's your time to laugh, shaking your head with amusement before kissing her again.

This kiss, however, is completely different from the others. Your lips meet slowly, savoring the taste you haven't had in so long, the feeling you've been craving more than any of you thought possible. Leigh makes her move first, her fingers working on your tie with expertise, loosening around your neck before taking it off. Before the item even hits the floor, her hands are on the buttons of your shirt, undoing each one as you trailed your kisses down her neck, sucking the sensitive spots you know drive her crazy.

When she reaches the last button, her hands are back on your shoulders to push the shirt off. But this time you stop her, moving your fingers - previously holding her waist - to her own shoulders, pushing the thin straps of her dress to the sides. Before you have to ask, Leigh spins on her heels, her back to you as she pushes her hair to the side, giving you a better view of the dress zipper. So you take advantage of the exposed skin to kiss the back of her neck, smiling against her as you hear her holding her breath.

As you finally pull the zipper down, you put some distance between the two of you, just enough so Leigh is able to step out of her dress comfortably. But you catch yourself staring at her figure as the thin fabric slides down her body, exposing her body to you. You have seen it thousands of times, but you're absolutely certain you will never get used to the heavenly scene - much less when you noticed she was wearing no bra underneath her clothes, only her underwear covering her sculpted body.

"Is everything okay?" Leigh asks when she turns around and catches you frozen in place, somewhat uncertain. "I'm just admiring you." You answer, unable to do anything other than smile. Your wife offers you a shy smile, her cheeks taking on a slight shade of pink. The whole composition takes your breath away. "You're gorgeous."

"And you're the most beautiful human being I've ever seen." She hits back as she approaches you again, her hands finding their way to your chest underneath your unbuttoned shirt. "Someone's gotta tell you what a mirror is." You joke with your hands on the bare skin of her waist, making her smile with amusement, muttering softly against your lips, "Shut up." She does it for you, however, kissing you again at a deliciously slow pace that makes your head spin.

As she finally gets to push your shirt off your shoulder, you grab her buttcheeks, pressing her body against yours and savoring the way she moans against your mouth. The sound, however, awakens in you an even stronger type of need. So the moment your shirt is on the floor, you walk with her towards the bed. When her calves hit the mattress, Leigh sits down on the bed, moving her hands to your hips to keep you in place. Before you can ask what's wrong, she's working on the zipper of your jeans, her eyes fixed on yours as she pulls your pants down making your mouth go dry.

As soon as you step out of the piece of clothing, Leigh takes your hands in hers, inviting you to lay on top of her. Obeying her quickly, you smile when your face is hovering over hers, drinking her in, admiring her as if she was the most beautiful work of art you've ever seen in your life - because that's exactly what she is. Her green eyes shine into yours like a million little stars, and if you were able to read her mind right now, all you'd hear was Leigh screaming how much she loves you, how deeply she needs you. But you can't. And you don't even have to, for her body tells you these exact same things every time you touch her.

Peppering kisses along her jaw, you slide your hand up her inner thighs, slowly making your way to her center. Once your fingers rest over her covered intimacy, Leigh sighs heavily in anticipation, her fingers gripping your shoulders to encourage you to go further. So you pull her panties down her legs, and Leigh helps you by moving them until the small item slides to the bedroom floor. With your eyes locked on hers, you slide your fingers along her folds, collecting her wetness in your digits before you start drawing light patterns along her clit.

Leigh shudders with the touch, her body burning, and her skin tingling. But she holds your gaze firmly, unable to look away. Completely hypnotized by how beautiful you are in her eyes, by how much she loves you and how much you mean to her. As your movements grow faster you start to leave wet kisses along her neck, going down to her collarbone. "Wait." She calls out when she feels you moving your body down. You stop yourself in place, wondering what you've done wrong. But all she gives you is a tender smile, wrapping her arms around your body in a loose hug as she explains, "I want you up here. So I can hold you."

The smile you give her is blinding, filling her chest with all the best things that exist in the vast, unknown universe that surrounds you both. But nothing out there matters now. All that matters are your fingers fucking her the way only you are able to do, your mouth so expectantly kissing her that that alone would be able to drive her crazy. But you're willing to give her so much more than that, of course, and when you thrust two fingers inside her, curling her in that way you know she likes most, Leigh's back arches up, her torso pressed against yours as she moans loudly, her nails scratching your back making your own core boil.

It doesn't take long for Leigh to reach her limit, moans and whimpers leaving her lips as she spasms beneath you, your name coming out in a cry of pleasure as her orgasm washes over her. Her trembling hand rests over your wrist to ask you to stop, and you do so with a smile on your lips, watching as she breathes in and out with her eyes closed. "I love you." The words leave your mouth with ease, and Leigh's eyes snap open immediately, a sea of green meeting yours with a multitude of emotions. "I love you too." She lets you know tearfully, and you let out a happy giggle, kissing her one more time before you pull away again to say, "and I want you to sit on my face."

"What?!" She asks with a laugh, shocked by the unexpected request. "What?!" You ask as if it was the most natural thing to ask your beautiful wife, smiling amusedly at her cheeks burning red. Your question makes her laugh some more, shaking her head at your attitude. Leigh missed this the most, your relaxed nature, so comfortable with her you know you could say anything to her, the same way you would hear anything she has to say. It is at times like these that she's most certain that you are the only person she would ever want in her life.

"Are you sure about this?" She asks, this time with concern, and you place a finger under your chin as you pretend to think. "Wait, let me think of reasons why I wouldn't want you sitting on my face, I'm sure there are many." Your answer makes her laugh wholeheartedly, the sound warming your soul entirely. And soon after her laughter dies down in a smile, her lower lip trapped between her teeth for a short second before she's kissing you again. As you kiss her back, the two of you move together so she's on top of you instead, and she pulls away to do what you requested of her.

She looks almost shy as she straddles your face, and you would've made a joke about her doing this a bunch of other times if her smell wasn't intoxicating you so much. As she settles down slowly, you take a hold of her thighs, pressing her further against your as you eat her out, letting your tongue explore every single piece of her. Still affected by her previous orgasm, Leigh has to hold onto the headboard with her eyes closed, and it doesn't take long for her to cum again, spilling her juices into your mouth as your tongue guides her through her high.

"Baby, please." She asks in a whimper, her hand on your hair as she begs you to stop the overstimulation. Grudgingly, you do so, letting go of her legs so she can lay back down. With an easy smile on her lips, Leigh lies on top of you, kissing you softly and letting out a low moan as she tastes herself on your tongue. But the kiss is short lived due to her tired state, so she soon pulls away and rests her head on your shoulder. You take no time in wrapping your arms around her, drawing small patterns along her hip bone.

In the silent room, the only sounds you hear are those of your breathing and the voices in your head, with a million arguments for you to do something that maybe you shouldn't. But then Leigh's voice speaks louder than all the others in your mind. I like it when you don't overthink things. Maybe you should just do it. "Leigh?" You call out softly after a long moment of silence. "Yeah?" She asks lazily, her breath tingling your skin as she speaks. It takes you another moment to decide, your mouth going dry. But before Leigh can ask what's wrong, you smile to yourself, making up your mind.

"I'm ready to come home."

Taglist: @madamevirgo @wqndanat @thisischaismagic @artisannat @olsensnpm @evenbeingcrazy1998 @bentleywolf29 @awkwardmandalorian @agaymilflover @sayah13 @princessprudy @likefirenrain @tearsofglitter @feltlikethat @piningismymiddlename @the-writer-arcane @diaryoflife @natashasilverfox @karsonromanoff

#sorry for your loss #leigh shaw #thanks anon!#fanfiction #leigh shaw imagine #leigh shaw x reader #sorry for your loss imagine #leigh shaw x you #leigh shaw x y/n #collab #abimess #messedupfan

556 notes · View notes

brilliantfantasticgeronimo · 9 days

Text

wild blue yonder

the tardis can regenerate itself...... !!! I mean, wait we knew that already kjhkjh but I just connected the dots now that... that means The Time Lords mined and mauled the child just to make their cars better, as well. Damn...

in classic who u used to have to use ur imagination to pretend everything wasn’t a wobbly set... now u have to use ur imagination to pretend everything isn’t a greenscreen :/

"is that who i am now?" the shocking thing isn’t that he is gay (that’s what donna interprets) the shock to himself is voicing how horny he is lol

Someone is gonna say gravity and that's gonna be fucking weird

"it would take trillion years to get that far” chills!

"no one is ever been this far. till us. and this ship" colonialism fiction dna shining thru

“you little streak” <3

"she'll move on" "not shaun, he'll go to that alleyway every year..." \ten at the alleyway to see rose parallel....

Ghost aroma!!!

blue and orange motif....…………… 13 aesthetic moments.... [13 and Swarm coded? / aka entropy/life coded?/donna and the doc...]

“maybe there's a tribe and they worship it… (…) time passes and the city falls... and there's the tardis" beautiful!! I'm could do somth w/ re: w/ the doctor and their companions. (eyes emoji)

"it got complicated" UNDERSTATEMENT OF A CENTURY #2

"The notion of shape is strange." "it limits" literally current architecture theory

This is so nofna solar system-core

love a classic “anti matter hates matter” story

[the no-bodies…?....cousins to the the could have been king ... with his army of never wheres…?]

This feels very [doctor trying to figure out their body in each regeneration] [intentionally?] this is so end of evangelion poster-core

"it’s strange enough my face coming back, but not this big" / [metaphor for reboots?]

This episode is like the clamoring for us to get a castrovalva 2 escher-like world again next season

"that's not gonna work either" i love these idiots

"why does it have to be one last trip?" rtd ringing moffat / gatiss / gardner / etc and being like like -

ok but follow this reasoning: if the doctor is the same person bc they keep their memories (as the show makes a point of.... constantly) ... and if the memories make the person ... then indeed an entity that copies the memories is the same person, is it not? Where do we draw the line between who’s “real” and who isn’t, in this scenario?

A CREATION I DEVASTATED / literally watched WoM two seconds before this w/ ten all "everything i do just makes it happen" sdjsdkf this is what i mean when i say the doctor has never Processed anythingggg since that Bottom Pit moment

"it wasn't your fault" "i know! (but it stil sucks!!!)" me at therapy like

"WHY DOES HE NEED YOU?" me, Pavlovian tone: because he is lonely...

“when something is gone, it keeps existing” → highlight this!!!! this is gonna be the new thesis statement about Grief!!! this is gonna be The Point for the next 4 years lol

It's very fun to watch this after marath6ning all of ten's era bc it's like... that boy never processed any of that shit. did 11 process shit? did 12? 12 maybe a little but really i think they just got even more trauma (bill ): ) dkdksks and don't get me started on 13. basically what im saying is the doctor Never did get a break on between waters of mars up until now... [and i guess to go further never did get a break after since like....... freaking ghost light skskskskkjkj seven is still There. we don't think about that enough.]

Donna being a clone fucker is not a headcanon ever thought i had but im glad its been confirmed now "donma doesn't think she"s stupid" im sure rtd has launched this exact same rant on so some unwilling family members while browsing ao3 "stop copying and make up your own minds" social commentary / commentary on reboots again / core "individualism > society" dr. who 101 messaging

The not things are kinda.... cute? skdksk if they weren't murderous they look like ppl to hang out w/ and play videogames......

"what do you want?" "you tell us" fundamental doctor-companion dialogue....

"love letters don't travel very far" put a pin on that...

ok.... ARGHGHGHH LET ME THINK THINK THINK skskks me failing at CBT be like

What if the doctor is from our universe. what then the doctor being like we have to mill ourselves immediately feels very 13

this is like "what if turn left and midnight but they go through it together this time <3" fic "where the walls are thin and anything is possible" eyes emoji

"that copy was 99% donna" so maybe re:earlier... what the show is saying between copy vs real is that it's all about the x factor, the 1%....

CONCLUSIONS! lived up to the hype! i think it's a bit 13-era vibe in that it's clearly influenced by all the prestige space-base-isolation scifi we see in the ~cinema now every year. the aesthetic is hitting that vibe (and going to the root, there's also a very clear Alien influence). kinda wish we had more one offs just like this one :( bc i feel the other 2 specials have too much Work to do, so there's not enough time to do.Fun like lore and character stuff. Execution wise is very successful. the switcheroos work. the callbacks work. there's a lot of character stuff happening ("I just realized I'm still working through that!") but it doesn't interfere w/ the adventure itself. My one grip is there's a couple shots that do feel too green-screen-y, but overall the ep is visually amazing. def only a story you could do now. also I love that the NMDs were like "rtd is gonna retcon the timeless child!!! everyone hated it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he was like "cool. now watch this" lollll king moments. rare moments where it feels like we live in the best timeline.

#i think there's More stuff to analyze in this one but i need some time to Digest It #and some rewatches #dw spoilers #wild blue yonder #dw

10 notes · View notes

beardedmrbean · 3 months

Text

Ghana's parliament passed a bill on Wednesday that further clamps down on the rights of LGBTQ people in the West African country.

The "Human Sexual Rights and Family Values" bill enjoys support from a majority of lawmakers in Accra and has been sponsored by a coalition of Christian, Muslim, and Ghanaian traditional leaders.

Same-sex intercourse in Ghana was already punishable by up to three years in prison, but while discrimination against LGBTQ people is common, no one has ever been prosecuted under the colonial-era law.

The new bill, commonly referred to as the anti-gay bill, now also imposes a prison sentence of up to five years for the "wilful promotion, sponsorship, or support of LGBTQ+ activities."

Opposition lawmaker Sam George, the main sponsor of the bill, called on President Nana Akufo-Addo to approve it.

"There is nothing that deals with LGBTQ better than this bill that has been passed by parliament," George said. "We expect the president to walk his talk and be a man of his words."

The bill has been widely condemned by rights activists and still has to be validated by the president before entering into law, a move observers believe is unlikely before an election in December. President Akufo-Addo has not confirmed if he will sign the bill into law.

'You cannot criminalize a person's identity'

Members of Ghana's LGBTQ community are worried about the implications of the bill and an umbrella group of lawyers and human rights activists in Ghana known as the "Big 18" has condemned it.

"You cannot criminalize a person's identity and that's what the bill is doing and it's absolutely wrong," said Takyiwaa Manuh, a member of the coalition. "We want to impress on the president not to assent to the bill, it totally violates the human rights of the LGBT community."

Founder and director of "LGBT+ Rights Ghana" Alex Donkor said the passing of this bill would "further marginalize and endanger LGBTQ individuals in Ghana."

"It not only legalizes discrimination but also fosters an environment of fear and persecution," he said. "With harsh penalties for both LGBTQ individuals and activists, this bill threatens the safety and well-being of an already vulnerable community."

#nunyas news #next up ghana joins south africa #in accusing israel of genocide

14 notes · View notes

wat-the-cur · 1 month

Text

I was flicking through the script for Clerks 3 and saw this. I don’t actually remember hearing the line about Jay only singing and dancing for Silent Bob in the actual film (maybe I just have a shit memory), but I’m losing my mind over it. The idea that most of Jay’s jiving around is for Silent Bob’s enjoyment is so sweet. I’m now thinking back on all the scene of Jay dining and dancing through the films with this in mind. Was that why the Jedi mind trick obsession in “Mallrats” was pissing him off? Because he was ignoring Jay’s dancing? Was he especially loud and energetic in “Clerks”, because Bob was looking under the weather? (I maintain Bob was tired, because Jay got him up early to help shave his head). Then he encouraged him to dance with him, later on. Then there was his Buffalo Bill dance in “Clerks 2”?? Considering there was an extended version where Jay grinds on Bob, then coaxes him to touch his naked body. And a deleted scene where Bob calls Jay out for being “a gay man in deep denial” (he’s bi, but I think Kevin Smith is allergic to that word, I digress). And THEN (I haven’t seen Reboot yet, sorry, but I do know this), in Reboot it’s revealed that Jay and Bob’s relationship has grown into something other than “hetero lifemates”, even though they still use that term. They are confirmed to, at least functionally, be a couple at this point. And now Jay is saying that he only dances for Silent Bob.

It’s just something else.

#view askewniverse #clerks #clerks 1994 #clerks 3 #clerks iii #jay and silent bob #jay/silent bob #jay derris #silent bob #mallrats #clerks ii #clerks 2 #jay and silent Bob reboot

16 notes · View notes

bengiyo · 9 months

Text

Dangerous Romance Ep 4 Stray Thoughts

Last week, we mostly skipped dealing with the internal fallout of Sailom experiencing extreme violence from his creditors, or seeing how he and his brother are coping, to jump to the Kanghan tutoring arc. We’ve confirmed that Kanghan has massive issues because his dad has undermined his confidence constantly by never expecting anything from him. The boys practiced their English at a tourist spot, and got chased down (for gross sex reasons) by some foreigners who were after Sailom. Kanghan thought it would be brilliant if the hid in an alley and kissed. Also, Kanghan’s friends don’t seem to know him or his interests that well. However, Sailom is going to Courage Wolf this man into believing in himself.

Look at this man lying about studying. Get his ass, grandma.

My poor boy, Chimon. Y’all know he sweats profusely. Why would y’all do him like that with that close up pan?

The grandma is at least setting reasonable expectations of Kanghan.

Interesting. That was apparently NOT the first time Sailom has been beaten up over debts. That is NOT how that scene felt at all.

I’m not sure I’m keen on a tutoring/friendship montage, but it helps that Perth and Chimon are good.

How are the candles helping them study if they’re spread across the room? Did they ask Sam’s staff to set this up?

Why are they being so heavy-handed with this windmill analogy? This feels so early!

Kanghan is such a dork. Why is his hair not inside of his helmet?

Fellas, is it gay to think about the bonding moment you had with your rival/tutor/crush in the pool when you can’t sleep the night before exams?

Chimon is good. His face dropped briefly in disappointment when he heard that Kanghan failed, and then he masked it immediately to encourage him because only failing one subject is an improvement.

Alright, but did we clear things up with the parents group chat so Sailom can go back to tutoring other people at least? I didn’t forget that Kanghan called him a sex offender.

Oh lord, not him having a secret crush on Kanghan because of the umbrella stuff.

Papang is back! We didn’t talk about much.

Here he goes again eating this dry ass steak alone. He paid $30 for this?

I don’t get all this mooning at each other. They could just talk? Do they need to act like they hate each other after all this cutesy time together?

I’m gonna need GMMTV to stop using Perth shows to swindle people into investing in crypto.

“I’m okay,” then almost busts his ass on the bathroom floor. You can’t fall in love if you ain’t clumsy amirite??

Ah, the poverty-to-sex-work pipeline begins.

Pepper is pretty, but I really hate the color of this jacket.

Now, why is Saifah spending this kind of money on dinner when they have bills piling up?

This is the first time I think a Thai show has used their penchant for potty jokes well by having Sailom eat with a man experiencing incontinence.

Well, at least this man only wanted to have dinner with him this time.

I appreciate Pimfah being tactful about trying to offer help to Sailom.

I don’t mind them wanting to use their wealth to assist Sailom, nor do I mind the grandmother putting conditions on that help. Still, I’m not feeling kind of off about the whole experience here because it feels like we dropped the antagonistic part of this rather quickly.

They’re really committed to the windmill analogy. There’s even one on the umbrella. It’s part of the design, so I’ll let it ride.

Yes, dry his hair. A BL boy will die if his hair stays wet too long.

Fellas, is it gay to make your rival/tutor/crush hold your drinks, feed you, and massage your shoulders as a break from studying?

Besties, I gotta be honest, I’m a little frustrated with this show. I’m having a hard time staying locked in on much of the drama because it seems to get resolved or forgotten at will. Perth and Chimon are good, but this is a bit difficult for me to connect to, and I find that the irritation is leading to a bit of boredom with it on Fridays.

#dangerous romance #dangerous romance the series #thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

20 notes · View notes

centaurianthropology · 2 years

Text

What ‘Our Flag Means Death’ Did for this Older Queer Fan

I’ve been trying to articulate what feels special about ‘Our Flag Means Death’ to me for a while. I’ve been active in fandoms since the ‘90s, back when webrings were your best bet for good fan content. I have seen a lot of shows come and go. And I got very used to my fandom experience going something like this: find a new show or movie or book or other thing, write a lot of meta about character motivation and plot structure and costume choices, and often find a pairing I found appealing. The chemistry was usually good, with variations on antagonistic, friendly, or other chemistry. And if I was lucky, the show would drop a few hints that there was something there. You learned very quickly to be grateful for scraps, and to never expect too much. There was never, NEVER an expectation that a queer pairing would be ‘endgame’, or would ever be manifested in anything more than a few lingering glances and the actors and maybe a writer or two being all for the relationship EXCEPT.

Except the producers, the studios, the audience. It would never be accepted. So it was confined to glances. And that I understood. I could appreciate that. I knew that, if they could, those writers and those actors would have gone there, but gay marriage being legalized seemed like an impossibility, queer cinema was treated as niche or arthouse, and the only queer characters allowed on network shows had to be sidekicks who never had sex.

After that came the era of the queerbait. Showrunners were more aware of fandom in the mid-2000s, and really wanted that sweet sweet audience retention. So some shows started to lean into the possibilities of queer relationships. They played up that things might happen between characters on screen. It was no longer “we want to, but the network/producer won’t let us”; it was “maybe there is something there! *wink* *wink*”, only to turn around and inevitably claim that the audience misinterpreted, that there was nothing there and never had been. It was somehow less than what we had in the ‘90s, because then at least we knew we were never getting anything, we knew that the writers had pushed something as hard as they could and they felt as shitty as we did that it wasn’t going to happen. This was, well, bait.

And yet I don’t really think I understood that feeling of being baited, because I never got the canon queer ship on screen. Whenever I saw the bait, as a fan who had been around and seen the talks in the ‘90s about queer rep on network TV, I knew that it was bait. I knew that they would never follow through because everyone was convinced that two men kissing would end their television show. So no matter how much they teased the audience, I knew it was lies, and I didn’t feel like it hit me as hard. I told myself it didn’t hurt.

Now we’re in a new era where queer relationships are directly confirmed by creators, but there’s always still this halting before the final hurdle. “These two men are in love,” they’ll say, but then turn around and say, “but it’s so elevated and pure and perfect that they would never sully it by smashing their faces together. So they’re definitely in love guys! Just don’t expect them ever to show that physically.” Because gay love is now in vogue, but gay kissing and God forbid gay sex are still that bridge too far. Even shows with great queer rep that aren’t explicitly billed as queer romances will stop before the kiss.

And this doesn’t feel like asexual rep or an embracing of queerplatonic relationships, because it definitely doesn’t feel like they deliberately set out to write that. No, it always feels like they wanted to have their cake and eat it. They want the queer fans that will come to see a queer relationship, but they don’t want to lose those fans that they are still convinced will stop watching when two mens’ lips touch (it’s different for women, because straight men love lesbians, and so they get a pass for ogling reasons, which ... is a whole different story, and a whole different long post, frankly).

And then comes David fucking Jenkins, who seems like an impossibility. He is an apparently straight white cis man in his forties. He is the exact sort of demographic that you would never expect to deliver a meaningful queer story, or a story with explicitly anti-racist or anti-colonialist beats. On first glance, he’s every other showrunner who’s tried to pull a fast one on queer audiences before.

But as this article shows, there was something different ticking away in his head. He watched Star Wars and came away with the impression that Finn and Poe were the couple with chemistry. He saw how fans treated Kelly Marie Tran and John Boyega and wanted to do better. He’s almost blissfully unaware of the long history of queer fans getting ignored, then baited, then told that gay sex or kissing would ‘lessen’ such a wonderful relationship.

So he set out to write a queer sitcom about pirates. And since it was a romcom, of course the two leads were going to kiss, because that was the point of a romcom. That’s what the audience signed up for, and to turn around and give some bullshit line about how their mouths touching would lessen what they had was inherently ridiculous. A romcom has specific beats, sure. They were inevitably going to be separated by misunderstanding, but there was also an agreement with the audience that it wouldn’t be forever.

And the kiss sealed that deal. It showed that he had none of those weird hang-ups or beliefs that if he showed two men kissing, his show would be over. And you know what? He was more right than he could have ever imagined. What he was doing was, in his head, simply following through with the agreement established by all romcoms. It wasn’t remarkable or revolutionary. It wasn’t until he was surprised that more people weren’t believing it was a romcom by the moonlit scene in episode 5 that he started to understand something was happening that he hadn’t been privy to before. I think it was only after that that David Jenkins did a deep dive on queerbaiting, and realized how pervasive it was, how even the queer audiences weren’t willing to believe what was obvious on screen. That, in the words of Lucius: “This is happening.”

And they didn’t believe it until the kiss, because that’s always the line that shows aren’t willing to cross. When he stepped over that boundary he didn’t even know existed, he had an audience ready to go to war for him. Because he had delivered. There was no waffling, no bullshit. He just delivered. And after that, well ...

The audience flocked to him. They campaigned, made cakes and Twitter storms and were unrelenting. They were a groundswell for a show that had gotten no advertising, no buzz, no press before its airing. It’s clear that HBO Max had the same old attitude that he had crossed the line with that kiss, and that the show would flop. But it was the opposite, and instead of tanking his show, it got him a renewal.

And I myself felt such a lightness in my heart after seeing that. Even with the darker end the season had, I knew that this was a romcom, that our lovers would be reunited, get over their miscommunications, and would be together in a meaningful way. David Jenkins had the idea, and then he filled his writers room with people to bring that idea to life, to push back and buy in. Queer people, people of color, people of different cultures. This is the move of a man who has a dream to write a diverse, queer story, and knows that he has a good idea for it, but also knows that he needs people who have lived those lives to help him avoid stumbling blocks that he never could have seen.

Seeing this leads to the extraordinary result of writing that is well aware of how queer characters and characters of color have been treated by the media, and how queer fans and fans of color have been treated too. It also led to him going on his own journey of discovering, realizing why people reacted the way they did, why they were hesitant to believe he would deliver, and why they would fight so hard for his show when they did. It was effervescent, like drinking champagne, to finally just ... have this. For it to happen both with the writers knowing it was something special, and the showrunner not understanding why it wasn’t always so easy just to deliver these stories. Just to see the chemistry and go for it. Just to treat characters with respect and still let them be silly and ridiculous. To have an entire world that feels queer friendly, beyond the queerness of the lead characters.

It only really hit me recently, when I heard that tired old excuse of “they love one another, but kissing or sex would cheapen that relationship, so they’re in love, but not in a sexual way”, and I was finally sick of it. Because David Jenkins and his silly gay pirate show showed that it’s bullshit. He showed that your audience booms when you finally set aside the fear of two men kissing, and just pay off the relationship. When you embrace queerness not just in words, but in deeds. It took OFMD to finally rip those tolerant blinders off me and for me to think, “Oh, just say that you don’t want to show two men kissing because you think whatever audience you have will think it’s gross.” Just say it. Just be honest instead of trying to parade this as a better form of queer representation. I wouldn’t like you any more, but I would respect the honesty.

Finally getting what I always secretly wanted from a show--but would never admit that I wanted because I knew I would always be disappointed--has taken away my ability to tolerate whatever excuse showrunners trot out for not taking that final step. OFMD opened my eyes. It woke me up to realizing that I had spent twenty years pretending I wasn’t hurt when a show teased a relationship they never intended to pay off. I haven’t felt so giddy about a show in years, and I have *never* felt so giddy about a queer genre show (because I’ve never seen one before that delivered so well on both being queer and on being genre)! This was not a show billed as a romance, but a show about pirates, but it delivered such a lovely romance and such a lot of silly pirates!

So thank you, David Jenkins. As you went on your journey of discovery about queerbaiting and how it made you feel, I have been on a similar journey. And you helped me get there. You and your silly gay pirate show.

#Our Flag Means Death #David Jenkins #whoof #this was a long one #and maybe not as coherent as some of my meta #but I wanted to try to put my thoughts in order regarding what this show means to me as an older queer fan #and what it did for me in regards to my own relationships with how television has historically treated queer pairings an queer fans #anyway #thank you David Jenkins #you will likely never read this #but you helped me a lot with your show

310 notes · View notes

neikikardartv · 6 months

Text

Where is the true racism in True Blood?

While vampires are notoriously known for being sexy outsiders, HBO’s True Blood amps up the sexiness and takes the vampires out of the darkness and into the light of the public eye. True Blood aired in 2008 and is set in the fictional town of Bon Temps, Louisiana. The town resides in a version of the world where vampires “came out of the coffin” two years ago via “The Great Revelation” where they made their existence known to the world. They were able to do so because synthetic blood was created, called True Blood, that allows vampires to get their sustenance from it rather than needing human blood. Although vampires are now allowed to enter mainstream society now, they are not treated as equals. The American Vampire League is a political group that is lobbying to get the Vampire Rights Amendment (VRA) passed that would put an amendment in the constitution, permitting vampires to have the same rights as humans. As interesting as it is, vampire politics are not the main focus of the show and are just embedded in through references, and some TV interviews with the AVL spokesperson, Nan Flanigan. The show actually follows Sookie Stackhouse, a waitress with telepathy, who falls in love with the first vampire she meets, Vampire Bill (underwhelming name, I know), as it is only with vampires that she doesn’t worry about reading their minds. The first season of the show focuses on a murder mystery, as bodies of women who have had sex with vampires –referred to as “fangbangers”, a derogatory term– keep piling up in Bon Temps.

In the show vampires are “othered”, having parallels with Black people and Gay people in America, with the VRA being reminiscent of the Civil Rights Act and the “God Hates Fangs” image in the title sequence being reminiscent of the homophobic Westboro’s church slogan, among other things. While there’s plenty to say about these parallels and critical race theory, what I am going to analyze is the treatment of Black people in the first season of True Blood, in comparison to the new vampire minority group.

First of all, with the shows being set in the south there are mentions of The Civil War being a significant moment of history, but no outright condemnation of it. For some reason there is a trend of making vampires confederate soldiers. The Vampire Diaries did it with Damon Salvatore, Twilight with Jasper Hale, and in True Blood it is the main love interest of Bill Compton. Since Bill is a Vampire who’s been around a bit and was an original resident of Bon Temps, Sookie’s grandma presumes he was a confederate soldier. When it is confirmed, she gets excited and wants Sookie to ask him to speak at a meeting of her Civil War historical group, The Descendants of the Glorious Dead. As the title implies they’re not going to shame Bill for having fought to keep slavery, instead he is an honored speaker at their meeting, where as you can see the confederate flag also makes an appearance

The only stance he makes on his views of the war, was that he and the other soldiers didn’t understand what they were really fighting for or had a choice, which seems a bit revisionist Despite this we are meant to believe that none of the people of the town are explicitly racist towards Black people. Sookie’s grandma’s love of the confederacy isn’t a problem for Sookie’s Black best friend Tara, who sees her as more of a mother figure than her own mother. In fact, when Tara is the only one to actually acknowledge Bill’s role in the war by asking if he owned slaves–which he responds his family did!– she is the one that gets chastised for “spoiling the mood”, while Bill having owned slaves is not confronted.

This leads to a disconnect between the southern setting of the show and its treatment of Black people as all the racism has been displaced onto the Vampire race, who are mostly white. As Sabrina Boyer describes, “In Southern texts by many Southern writers, white characters tend to experience ways of becoming black, which is a recognition of a racist region, as well as a moderately progressive way to comment on racial relations within the South”[1].She argues that True Blood’s use of “white characters that embody blackness” is part of this larger Southern trend that puts racial “otherness” on white characters to confront racism. While, she does acknowledge that this is not unproblematic and makes an argument against it later on. I disagree with the initial progressive analysis of this phenomenon. White characters will never be able to actually embody Blackness and True Blood’s take on this is problematic. The attempt to show racism through “othering” vampires–again the main being a confederate soldier–- panders to white audiences and is a weak hegemonic negotiation. Especially as the show makes no references towards intersectionality with Black vampires who rarely appear. Boyer concludes, “the series, while it] attempts to counter the hegemonic forces surrounding racism in our culture, doesn't critically engage with the fact that people of color, because of their skin or when in the act of passing they are discovered, are immediately othered”[2]. Now, this statement I agree with because True Blood’s displacement of racism onto vampires takes away from actual racism. In doing so True Blood fails its two Black characters by undermining their acknowledgment of racism and putting the oppression of actual minorities below Vampires.

Overall, True Blood takes the metaphor of othering its vampire population too far when its paralleling of oppression of actual minorities takes away from legitimizing racism towards its human population. Despite its Southern setting and call backs towards confederacy, the show does not properly tackle actual racism to justify its use of those images. By not acknowledging the racism of white people towards Black people in favor of vampire othering, the show fails its Black characters and is not as complex as it could be within concepts of intersectionality.

@theuncannyprofessoro

1. Boyer, Sabrina. “‘Thou Shalt Not Crave Thy Neighbor’: ‘True Blood’, Abjection, and Otherness.” Studies in Popular Culture 33, no. 2 (2011): 21–41. http://www.jstor.org/stable/23416382. Pg. 28

2. Ibid. Pg. 36

#oxyspeculativetv

10 notes · View notes

chaifootsteps · 8 months

Note

This is regards to that Anon questioning on Stolas' sexuality and no it hasn't been confirmed what it is. People just assume he's Gay cause he's sleeping with Blitz and didn't want to be with Stella. But that's not exactly confirming anything, considering that...Stella was a huge bitch from the word go and didn't want to be around/hated Stolas too, so why would the guy want to have sex with her, let alone be around her? Why would anyone wanna be around someone like that?

There's also the thing that Stolas hasn't interacted with like...any other woman BUT Stella and considering how she's treated/doesn't care for him, why would he even think to even attempt to see if he actually likes women? She'd put a negative view on them for him.

Who's to say if Stolas actually met a real woman who...you know got to know him, got to care about him, wanted to be around him....that he'd even up liking her?

If anything though, I feel like Stolas would just about have sex with anyone to make him happy, just because it gets him away from his sad life. Because that's how it really comes across, notice he's only really ever happy when he's getting what HE wants. Blitz fits that bill because Blitz made him happy as a child, so then went about this deal so he could have that high happiness again every month.

Also I find it rather sad, people either swing "He's either STRAIGHT or GAY!" Yet completely just dimiss that BISEXUALITY exists....people always wanna talk about Gay erasure? It seems to get acknowledged more than being Bi!

I've always gotten a "gay all the way through" vibe from him, but I can just as easily see him going for Blitzo if Blitzo was a woman. Now you've got me wondering if anyone's ever drawn that and if anyone raised a smell about it.

#Anonymous #helluva boss mention #actual blog post

12 notes · View notes

dontmeantobepoliticalbut · 9 months

Text

Ron DeSantis has appointed Tina Descovich, a co-founder of Southern Poverty Law Center-designated hate group Moms for Liberty, to the Florida Commission on Ethics.

DeSantis announced Descovich’s appointment to the prominent commission on Wednesday (6 September). The appointment is still subject to confirmation by Florida’s Republican-led Senate.

The nine-member panel is responsible for weighing complaints and investigating alleged breaches of public trust against elected and appointed officials as well as state employees.

Descovich wrote on X, formally known as Twitter, that it will be a “privilege to serve the state [she loves] as a member of this commission.”

However, Alejandra Caraballo, an LGBTQ+ rights advocate and civil rights attorney, warned that Descovich’s appointment was dangerous because she would “be able to investigate LGBTQ state employees and allies and systematically remove them from state government.”

DeSantis just appointed the co-founder of an SPLC designated hate group as part of the the Florida Ethics Commission.

Descovich, who previously served on Brevard’s school board from 2016 to 2020, founded Moms for Liberty with Tiffany Justice in 2021 to “stand up for parental rights at all levels of government”, according to the group’s website.

The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) labelled Moms for Liberty an “extremist group” because of its opposition to LGBTQ+ issues, advocacy for book bans and work against racially inclusive curriculums in schools.

“Moms for Liberty activities make it clear that the group’s primary goals are to fuel right-wing hysteria and to make the world a less comfortable or safe place for certain students – primarily those who are Black, LGBTQ or who come from LGBTQ families,” the SPLC’s 2022 Year in Hate and Extremism report stated.

The Florida-based group – which has chapters around the US – helped develop the state’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ law and publicly advocated in favour of the legislation, which bans discussions of LGBTQ+ topics in schools.

In July 2022, Moms for Liberty’s Twitter (now X) account was temporarily suspended for violating the social media platform’s rule against hateful conduct with a post criticising California’s gender-affirming healthcare bill.

The post claimed that gender dysphoria is a “mental health disorder” and that “California kids are at extreme risk from predatory adults.”

Moms for Liberty also alleged on social media that “CRT” (critical race theory) and “gender ideology” are “toxic for children.” In another post, the group claimed that “gender identity indoctrination” is “one of the most dangerous threats facing children in America today.”

Moms for Liberty has also been tied to other far-right organisations, and members have allegedly waged campaigns of harassment against school boards or rival parent groups.

In one interview, a Moms for Liberty member said LGBTQ+ kids should be placed in separate classrooms “like children with autism or Down’s syndrome.”

The American Historical Association also has condemned Moms for Liberty’s ‘vigorous’ advocacy of “censorship and harassment of history teachers, banning history books from libraries and classrooms and legislation that renders it impossible for historians to teach with professional integrity without risking job loss and other penalties.”

The Committee on LGBTQ History said the right-wing group “consistently spreads harmful, hateful rhetoric about the LGBTQIA+ community, including popularising the use of the term ‘groomer’ to refer to queer people and attacking the mere existence of trans youth.”

12 notes · View notes

spicysix · 11 months

Text

i was a no (never 'maybe'?)

"Robin takes her by the waist with one hand as the other reaches her face for a caress. Their eyes meet and Chrissy smiles before tilting forward. Her skin is silky smooth and as their lips meet there are fireworks- “Whatcha’ doin’?” Eddie’s voice is right by her ear. ❀ She’s pressed against a door, and Chrissy’s hands are on both sides of her head. She smells citric, her hair’s up in that cheerleader ponytail with the bow to make it better. Her lips are glossy, and Robin knows they taste of berries, and she confirms it once Chrissy leans in and their lips meet. There are fireworks- “What are you doing?” Robin wakes up from her daydreaming with Nancy’s voice behind her." or: Robin has a chronic problem of daydreaming about her crush.

warnings/tags: pining, friends-to-lovers, farmer market!AU, Robin is gay and oblivious, everyone else is gay and a meddler, fluff!! word count: 3.8k author's note: happy buckingham taking over jargyle jursday - so i guess it's Buckingham Bursday? anyway. and happy pride! 💚🏳️‍🌈 entirely based on the song and music video of 'chance' by Hayley Kiyoko (lesbian Mother yayyyy). you decided this one, remember that poll? heh, thanks for that. also shoutout to the ST rarepairs discord server for the help coming up with what everyone in this farmer market sells. hope y'all like it, happy reading! ♡

↳ ao3

Robin takes her by the waist with one hand as the other reaches her face for a caress. Their eyes meet and Chrissy smiles before tilting forward. Her skin is silky smooth and as their lips meet there are fireworks-

“Whatcha’ doin’?” Eddie’s voice is right by her ear.

“SHIT!” she shrieks, startled, before turning to face Eddie as he has a knowing smirk on his lips. Steve is behind him, trying to hold in his laughter. “I’m not doing anything!” she defends herself even if she knows they’re not gonna buy it.

“If you’d just let us meddle, you’d be together by now,” Eddie says as he shrugs.

Robin’s eyes go back to where they were just a few seconds ago. Chrissy is now talking to a client, a candle in their hand as she tries to make a sale. Robin knows that one, it’s the Lemon Meringue. Robin has three of them. The client should buy it, even if the delicious refreshing citric smell is not what makes them, Chrissy’s smile should do it. It’s what does it for Robin, anyway.

“I’m not gonna let you two idiots meddle. Either this will happen by god’s own will, fate’s written words, me growing metaphoric lesbian female balls, or it won’t happen at all!” she answers without taking her eyes off of the client putting down the Lemon Meringue and picking up the Passionfruit Martini. An excellent choice too. Robin once had six of them from when Chrissy started trying them out. She’s down to just one now, finally.

A loud bleat interrupts her train of thought, and Eddie’s screaming goat scares Hennifer Aniston and she starts cackling loudly as well.

“Jesus Christ, get out of here with your Baphomet,” Robin shoos Eddie and he laughs before pulling the rope around the goat’s neck. Robin picks up the chicken, Hennifer’s a very cuddly one so she calms down once she’s in Robin’s arms.

“This one’s Phillip, babe, you’re mixing them up,” Eddie says.

“They all look the same and you know it!” Robin fights back and he just waves a hand in the air, not caring about Robin’s antics. He knows she’s just mad because he’s a meddler.

“So do your chickens, by the way,” Steve notes as Robin puts Hennifer back in her little playpen.

“They do not! Stop siding with your boyfriend, don’t you have jam or pies or cakes to sell or whatever?” she retorts once again and Steve laughs. “You gay people don’t take care of your own lives and want to meddle in mine! Absurd!”

“We’re bisexual, don’t erase our sexualities! You’re gay people too, Bobbin, and my love life isn’t disastrous as yours is so I could be a good adviser.” He shrugs before leaving a few bills on Robin’s counter and picking up a tray of eggs she had separated for him earlier. “But you’re right, I do have jam and pies and cakes to sell. See you later, Bobs.”

She hums at him as he leaves for his own stall. The peak rush hours are closing in and Robin will get busy soon. She knows the chicken in a playpen gathers attention, and so does the little poster she has containing the chicken’s informations — name, age, personality. Kids love them. And the parents love the eggs, she’s been on the papers once with her high-quality chicken eggs. She’ll start getting her regulars in a few minutes and she’ll have to deal with her stall all alone because Nancy couldn’t help her in today.

Yet, she lets herself lose a few minutes more staring at Chrissy’s stall. The client is leaving with a Tangerine Drizzle — they clearly like the citric ones. Chrissy is counting the money and storing them away in her little detailed wood box, an Argyle Original. She doesn’t notice Robin staring, she never does.

A client approaches, and Robin lets out a sigh. She’s got work do to.

❀❀❀

She’s pressed against a door, and Chrissy’s hands are on both sides of her head. She smells citric, her hair’s up in that cheerleader ponytail with the bow to make it better. Her lips are glossy, and Robin knows they taste of berries, and she confirms it once Chrissy leans in and their lips meet. There are fireworks-

“What are you doing?” Robin wakes up from her daydreaming with Nancy’s voice behind her.

She squeals and turns around too fast, and the cornflakes in her bowl fly out and scatter around on the floor. The chickens are happy with that. Nancy is leaning against the fence, and the knowing smirk on her lips says it all.

“You really have to make a move, this is getting pathetic,” she says as Robin finishes spilling the corn.

Robin leaves the chicken coop and marks the tally on the mental note of tasks to be done.

“What’s with you bisexuals and your inability to stay away from my love life. I don’t wanna hear it from Ms. I Have A Boyfriend-In-Law.” She rolls her eyes as she starts going back to her house and Nancy follows after snorting.

“Jon and Argyle are pansexual, don’t erase their sexualities. And it’s called a polycule, by the way.”

“I’m not erasing-” Robin starts, but stops herself once she sees Nancy’s playful smile. She’s just teasing. “You people will be the death of me.”

Nancy just laughs again and they enter Robin’s house.

Chrissy’s there.

“Robin! Hi!” she greets excitedly when she turns around and sees them entering.

“Chrissy, hello,” Robin’s gotten better at not stuttering when she’s around her crushes. It took her half her life, yes, probably, but at least she’s got it now. She doesn’t ramble and babble awkwardly anymore. “Is there something I can help you with?” She’s also a professional.

“Steve asked me to get some eggs for him? Said he’s got a big order and can’t find the time to stop by himself,” she answers, that beautiful smile of hers still on her lips. Nancy is already heading to the place where the eggs are stored.

Robin narrows her eyes as discreetly as she can while her mind runs. Steve has no big orders this week. Robin knows that, because Steve lets her know every time he does, because she’s gotta separate the eggs for him. He would’ve told her about a big order.

Lying, meddling son of a bitch.

“Here it is, Chris,” Nancy shows up with two dozen eggs and Robin narrows her eyes again.

Chrissy hadn’t said how many eggs Steve asked for.

Lying, meddling sons of bitches.

“Thank you so much!” she says to Nancy before turning to Robin again, who’s just standing there acting weird. “Your birthday’s coming up, right? You’re gonna throw something?”

“Uh, yeah, next week. I don’t know, I’m not much of a partier. Maybe just a nice brunch,” she says, and Chrissy’s still looking at her with expectancy. “If I do, I’ll be sure to let you know, of course! You’re always invited.”

Robin’s answer widens her smile, and Chrissy looks down at her feet with blushed cheeks. Robin feels like screaming. She’s so fucking cute.

“What’s your favorite fragrance again?” she asks and Robin snorts.

Yours, she wants to say. She holds it in.

“Um,” she looks around.

There’s one of the Lemon Meringues on the table by the door. The last Passionfruit Martini is on her bedside table. She knows there’s a Cherry On Top somewhere in her office, and a Blackberry Cobbler in the living or the dining room. She’s been meaning to get a Tangerine Drizzle since she’s seen that client buying one that day, but she’s also been thinking a lot about a Banana Boat to replace the last one she had in the bathroom.

“Ambrosia Salad?” her answer is more of a question, because of course she can’t decide, but it seems to be enough for Chrissy. She tilts her head like a puppy dog — so adorable, really, Robin’s about to implode — and smiles again.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she says. Robin’s heart is about to flutter out of her chest.

She hands the money to Nancy, who’s the one now just standing there, but she’s not being weird like Robin was, she actually has that annoying know-it-all smirk. Robin wants to strangle her.

But then Chrissy comes closer and leaves a kiss on Robin’s cheek, and maybe Robin is about to defy every single rule of the universe and become a puddle, liquefy instantly to the floor. Her cheeks are burning, and her brain seems to have short-circuited and, seriously, it’s fucked up that a single little blonde girl has so much power over her. That shouldn’t be allowed.

Chrissy leaves and Robin watches through the window as Chrissy crosses her lawn. She throws kisses to the chickens and Robin feels like she has no more place in her heart to fall in love even more, and yet she still does. Robin stares until she hops up on her bike and leaves, and she doesn’t notice Robin staring, she never does.

“Bet you wanted to answer ‘her perfume’ or something sappy,” Nancy says behind her and Robin turns around too fast, head going dizzy.

“Will you shut up!” she yells, and Nancy laughs.

“Robin, seriously. Talk to her! I could cut through the tension between you two five minutes ago.”

Robin doesn’t answer, instead, she comes up with a random topic to talk about. Jonathan’s and Argyle’s woodworking, or whatever. How’s that going? Selling lots of wood… works? Nancy lets her change the subject, because she knows Robin sucks at talking feelings, and honestly, Nancy kinda sucks at it too. With each other, at least.

“I wanted to say her actual skin smell, which is much better than any cheap or expensive perfume on the market, by the way,” she still teases back before Nancy leaves later that day, and Nancy laughs loudly and Robin lets herself giggle too.

When it doesn’t hurt like a bitch, being in love is actually kinda funny.

❀❀❀

They’re lying side by side on the grass, and their fingers are intertwined in between their bodies. Chrissy rolls to her side and so does Robin, and their noses almost touch. She’s got that pretty smile of hers that makes her blue eyes shrink until they almost disappear, her little wrinkles show how much she smiles all the time, and it makes Robin’s heart beat so fast. She leans in to kiss her, and the stars above them twinkle and there are fireworks-

“What doing?” Robin’s startled by a tiny voice beside her.

She’s sitting on the park grass, her back against a tree and she could’ve been more undercover if she had just remembered to put her sunglasses on her eyes instead of resting them on the top of her head.

“Doing nothing, Holly,” she answers, and the smallest of the Wheelers just shrugs and sits beside her on the grass.

“She’s pining. As usual,” Dustin answers, and only then Robin sees that the entire Party is there.

Holly doesn’t mind the answer, probably doesn’t even know what the word means, and just starts ripping grass out of the ground. Will and El sit close to Holly and start playing with her. Mike stands and hovers above the three of them, all knight-in-shining-armor pose.

“Huh, the babysat become the babysitters. Steve handed you the business keys?” she asks as the rest of the teenage menaces approach. “It used to be the other way around, you know? It was one guy with a gaggle of children, and now it’s one child with a gaggle of guys,” she finishes.

“Yeah, world’s funny that way, don’t try and change the subject, your pining is disgusting,” Dustin retorts and Robin rolls her eyes.

“Now the teenagers are meddling too, what have I done to deserve that?”

Robin stops looking at them, puts her sunglasses over her eyes this time, and focuses back on her initial interest. Chrissy and Heather are a few feet ahead having a picnic, far enough not to listen but close enough that Robin has a privileged view. They had picked a few flowers and Heather had weaved a few of them into Chrissy’s braided hair. She looks beautiful, like a fairy or something. Robin wants to be Heather so badly, touching Chrissy’s hair so absently, handing her flowers and basking in the late winter sun with her. If she didn’t know Heather was painfully straight, she would’ve been painfully jealous.

She swears she’s not stalking. They got here after she did. She just lost interest in the book she was reading before they appeared. But Chrissy didn’t notice her staring anyway, she never does.

“You and Chrissy have made it the entire town’s problem with your longing and yearning and lack of action. We’re obligated to see it, so you’re obligated to listen to our complaints until one of you actually goes ahead and asks the other out,” Max is leaning against the tree but Robin doesn’t tear her eye from Chrissy to look at the redhead.

“You’d be such a cute couple,” Lucas says and Robin wonders what kinds of sins she had committed to be karmically pestered by a gaggle of teenagers about her private business.

She’ll talk to the others later, tell them to get a hold of their younger siblings. They are so out of line.

“Look, you children don’t understand, okay? I don’t want to risk our friendship, because I like her very, very much. And this is a small town, and we have to see each other weekly and if things don’t work out it’ll be very awkward. There’s so much at risk, things that you kids have no idea about, and I will not! Risk them!” I won’t risk us, she wants to say.

They all look at her for a while after her heart-gutting speech. She looks back, defying them to say anything, and she’s almost sure she’s won her made-up staring challenge when they look at her with sympathy. But Erica ruins it.

“This is not about the gay thing, is it? Because, like, half of our group is part of the rainbow community, birds of a feather or whatever. Girl, we’ve been knowing.” Lucas hisses at his sister for her lack of touch, and she shrugs. “Just the facts.”

Robin takes a deep breath and starts thinking how she’ll answer that without cursing or being very rude and possibly scaring the Little Wheeler forever. Holly doesn’t deserve her rage, she’s clearly the best sibling in that family.

“She doesn’t even like me back, okay? Just the facts,” she mocks through gritted teeth. “Let’s just drop this,” is the best she can manage in a really dry tone, and she thinks it’s enough when they all go quiet again. Until Will speaks.

How did Steve manage, honestly? The man’s a saint, he’s gotta be. Kids are infuriating.

“Robin, I promise we’ll stop talking to you about this, and you don’t have to do as we say,” he says. “But, really. Just consider the possibility of talking to her. If it goes well, and I think it will, it really pays off,” he finishes and Mike, who’s still hovering and looking around as if a monster is about to appear out of nowhere, actually blushes. It’s almost cute.

Robin gives Will the smallest of smiles, that woman-love-woman to man-love-man solidarity smile, but doesn’t answer him. Doesn’t let them know that she’s considering following the advice coming from fucking teenagers (who all seem to have better love lives than she does, but that’s not the point).

Damn you, Will The Wise.

❀❀❀

She’s coming in Robin’s direction, the sun making her blonde hair shine bright and her skin glow, but her smile’s the most blinding of it all. She smiles at Robin in a way no one ever had, and it makes her warm inside. Chrissy’s finally close enough to touch, and Robin doesn’t hold herself and takes her face in between her hands. She smells of chocolate chip cookies in the oven, of laundry softener, of a flowery garden, she smells of home. Robin’s eyes almost tear up simply at the thought of her, and she can’t keep it in, she say’s ‘I love you’, and Chrissy answers, ‘I love you too’ before leaning in to kiss her, and Robin knows there are fireworks-

“Robin?” Chrissy’s voice sounds uncertain and it snaps Robin out of it.

Okay, she really is pathetic. Daydreaming about the girl while she’s talking to her, wow, this has reached a new level of absurdity.

“I’m sorry, so sorry!” she sputters, cheeks burning, hands sweating. “You were saying?”

“Just… happy birthday,” Chrissy smiles, hands Robin a gift box, but it’s such a small smile. A shy one, not good-shy, but fearful-shy. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Robin can only nod, and she hands the gift box to Steve so he can keep it safe for her. No one around her is making any noise, and she knows they’re being watched by all these meddlers, so she glances at Joyce before turning to Chrissy again.

“Inside,” she almost whispers, before turning around and heading for the Byers’ house.

They’re having her birthday brunch there because Joyce’s porch is the best and her backyard is one of the only ones without animals or trees or woodworking stations. She also loves hosting, so it’s a win-win situation. Argyle cooked, Steve baked, Hop’s working on the barbecue and everyone’s having a great time.

Or, was. Until Chrissy appeared, made Robin’s brain stop working and now there’s that weird tension in the air. Robin knows she fucked up, she fucked up big time, but oh god, Chrissy looked so beautiful. She looked so beautiful every day, but she had such a pretty dress on today, and her hair was up in that cheerleader ponytail with a bow to make it better, and she has a shiny lip gloss that makes her lips look so kissable, and she smells of honey and coconut, and Robin wants her.

Robin wants her so badly, and Robin dreams of her when she’s asleep and when she’s awake too, and she has never wanted someone this much. And she has never known so deep inside her soul, how she can’t have someone as much as she knows she can’t have Chrissy. Robin’s not a particularly insecure woman, but she knows Chrissy would never pay her any mind.

“Why do you hate me?” Chrissy asks once they’re inside, and when she turns around to face Robin her eyes are wet.

“WHAT?” Robin yells, then cups her mouth for a second. “I’m sorry, shouldn’t have yelled, but. What?”

“I don’t understand. I keep catching you looking at me sometimes, but then you look away immediately and sometimes you look almost angry. You don’t hold big conversations with me, you seemed pissed at me that day with the eggs, and just now you weren’t even listening as I was talking.” Robin is in total shock as Chrissy starts listing things on her fingers. “It wasn’t like this! We were friends, Rob, and suddenly you started being so weird. Why invite me to your birthday if you don’t want me here?”

Yeah, they were friends and then Robin caught feelings. And apparently made it weird. Maybe she wasn’t as good with the girls she liked as she thought she was. She stopped rambling and babbling awkwardly, sure, but now she apparently shuts them out. Definitely not great either.

“Chrissy, I want you here, I do!” she says, and her voice falters because Chrissy has no idea how much Robin wants her. “I’m so sorry I made it weird, I just…” She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and remembers Will’s words. Oh wow, that’s pathetic for sure. “I don’t wanna be just your friend, Chris. I want more.”

She opens her eyes to face her demise because if she’s gonna be turned down she’s gonna take it proudly.

“You want… more?” Chrissy asks, and she takes a step further into Robin’s space.

“Yes. I like you. So much. So much, it’s pathetic.”

“You… like me?” she asks again, eyes wide open, and Robin gulps before nodding. Oh, god, here comes the blow. “Oh, Robin.”

Robin has no time to ask ‘what?’ because Chrissy throws her arms around Robin’s neck and their lips touch.

For real.

There are no fireworks, actually.

Fireworks are deafening loud, they’re bright and blinding. They jet, they spiral, they splatter. They can be scary, they’re everywhere and they’re overwhelming, and they’re too much sometimes. Just like Robin is most times. Loud, spiraling, everywhere, and overwhelming. Too much.

Chrissy’s kiss is not too much. It’s just enough.

It’s calm, and it’s relaxing, and it’s giving and giving and giving, but it’s receiving just as much. It’s stillness in a once stormy ocean, it’s silencing of all the high-pitched sounds that can be deafening, it’s thrilling in a way that makes Robin’s heart stump loud but rhythmically. Robin’s body loosens up, tension and anxiety leaving her, brain going quiet in, for once, a good way. She’s not overwhelmed, her senses aren’t screaming at her, she’s focused on the present moment. Chrissy tastes of fruit, of course she does, and she smells of home because it’s what she is. Her skin is warm as Robin holds her with no intention of letting her go, but it’s nothing like her dreams.

Because it’s real. And it’s so much better.

They separate their lips but their foreheads are still touching.

“You have no idea how much Eddie and Heather have been pestering me to talk to you,” Chrissy whispers almost against Robin’s lips, and she snorts.

“Oh, I sure do.” She wants to hate her friends for being right all along, but she can’t find it in herself to be anything but insanely happy.

“We’ve been two blind idiots, haven’t we?” Chrissy giggles, and it’s angelic as a sound can be, and Robin wants to crack Chrissy’s ribs open and live inside her chest. She nods at Chrissy’s question.

“I was so sure you didn’t like me,” she admits. “I looked at you all the time, daydreaming of this all the time. Reality’s so much better.” She tightens her grip around Chrissy’s waist to prove her point, to prove to herself it’s real.

“You didn’t see me staring right back.” It’s not a question, because the answer is obvious.

“I was too much of a blind idiot to see it, apparently.” She smiles and she leans in and she kisses Chrissy again. Because, oh god, she can do that now.

“But you see it now?” Chrissy asks.

“My eyes are wide open, Chris. And I see you now.”

#buckingham #buckingham fic #buckingham fanfic #buckingham oneshot #robin buckley x chrissy cunningham #chrissy cunningham x robin buckley #stranger things fic #stranger things fanfic #lui writes

22 notes · View notes