#both real world and canonical and she was never directly told anything

[3lostyears]

until i recently read posts on here about how there is an inherent queerness to the doctor and rose's relationship in how it's unspoken and filled with yearning that i'd never really considered that element, despite knowing for ages that RTD is gay but. man. it's just reframed a lot of the series for me, like the idea that you have this lonely man who's just watched his people die and is self-destructive and misanthropic and traumatised and he can love again and he wants to but it has so many risks.

but especially S3 and how it adds even more weight to the doctor's grieving widower status. how he tells martha that he and rose were together but martha refers to rose as a friend to tallulah; the fact that he can only say they were together once she is gone; how the only other person that both can feel how he feels but also understands the depth of his feelings is jack, a queer man himself. and I've been thinking to myself lately oh, it's ok, the doctor and rose probably accidentally got married on at least one planet or something but also the point is that there was no official title that could convey to people the extent that they meant to each other, that the doctor can really only tell donna that rose was his friend even though it is so wholly inadequate and she comes to see that by the end of the episode (and martha too of course). how people who saw the doctor and rose together assumed they were a couple, like on krop tor, but once there's no more physical evidence of the relationship it becomes more vague (and simultaneously clearer).

anyway something about how christopher eccleston said he based his portrayal of nine on RTD and something about RTD saying that his husband is "in every good man i write now" and how the doctor and ruby seeing each other in the club mimics his first meeting with his husband aka the one moment he would use a time machine to go back to hmmm

[vendettasfanfictioning]

Sam-coded: Analyzing the parallels between Destiel and Sam's arcs with his love interests.

PART 1: JESSICA MOORE

FOREWORD & DISCLAIMER

With a fan community as enormous as Supernatural's, it is fair to assume that most, if not everything, stated here has already been pointed out or dissected multiple times before—especially considering the long span of time that the show has aired and the three years thereafter. The goal of this post is not to claim these ideas as my own but rather to compile and expand on them.

I also want to add that regarding Jessica, specifically, the canon facts about her are incredibly limited what with her only "real" appearance being at the Pilot episode (though she is referenced and alluded to in multiple episodes all throughout).

That said, she had a critical role in shaping Sam's goals, with emphasis on earlier seasons' Sam's development so it felt fitting to start this series off with her.

There are many instances that the fandom has pointed out cinematic parallels between Sam and Jessica & Dean and Castiel. In this post, I would be elaborating on all of the key points I have found, namely: 1. The scripted meeting, 2. Grieving a lover, and other random findings.

1. IN THE BEGINNING (WITH REGARDS TO GOD'S PLAN)

To start, both Sam/Jess and Dean/Cas were fated to meet to serve a higher narrative purpose.

Frankly, I think that is fucking beautiful, but not only that; it can be argued that, if we were to speculate that Sam met Jessica right after he ran away from Dean and John, then Jessica and Castiel did the same thing. They pulled their respective Winchester brother out of hell/a dark place. (That may just be me talking out of my ass, but it's such a poetic concept, isn't it?)

Most importantly though, both parties were doomed by the narrative, but in polar opposite ways.

(Screenshots taken from 5x20)

Sam was destined to love and then lose Jessica for two reasons: to start the story, and to make Sam go down the "dark" path i.e. adjacent to Lucifer, demon blood, evil. Their story was scripted from the get-go, even before Supernatural decided to go metatextual with God.

(Screenshots taken from 15x17)

On the other hand, Dean and Castiel were never meant to be anything more. God himself says that Castiel was supposed to continue obeying heaven, do what he was told, and it is one of (if not the one) that completely separated the Supernatural storyline from any of Chuck's other drafts.

(GIFs from 15x18 and 15x19)

Furthermore, Castiel's love for Dean and Dean's loss of him marks the end of the story and makes Dean defy the role that God made for him. Admittedly, it's a flawed parallel, as Dean has already moved on from being Michael's Sword and the Righteous Man. To that, I say it only further proves the point; their unscripted "profound bond" directly opposed God's word. It was what should have broken the cycle.

And still, both ended in tragedy. It's just that one was written to end that way and the other wrote itself.

2. THE WINCHESTER BROTHERS ON GRIEF

(GIFs are from 1x01 and 12x23)

This segment can't start any other way than with these iconic shots of the Winchesters holding their brother back from running towards the love of their life (as the lover, in question, dies/walks to their death). These shots are the very reason I started this whole analysis, and they speak for themselves.

Even their clothes are inverted here, because Sam and Dean are experiencing the exact same thing. The grief, pain, and helplessness that comes with losing a partner.

(While compiling these, I stumbled upon the eerie realization that the shots attached above and the ones below have swapped color palettes in a way? Granted, that may just be some editing thing. Technology and video quality aside though, you can't deny that the vibrance of the fire vs. the bleakness of Apocalypse World juxtapose aesthetically well with the shots below. Just another one of those, "is it intentional or did Supernatural just run out of options from the sheer breadth of it?")

(Screenshots taken from 1x05 and 8x07)

This parallel in particular is what makes me believe that Supernatural either has amazing writing or just a terrible retention for continuity and reflection. Because, again, Sam and Dean are going through the same damn thing here: guilt. Specifically, the guilt of their lover's death—how both had reasons to believe they could've prevented it.

Also, these are cinematically shot the same way: Jessica and Castiel by the road, a deadpan stare at the Impala as the brothers drive by, then disappearing from sight at a second glance. How else are we to take this other than Dean grieving a lover the same way Sam grieved for his girlfriend? Did they just forget this scene from 1x05 when they filmed 8x07? (Most likely, yeah, but that doesn't disprove its contribution to the narrative.)

The premise is also similar, damningly so, the only notable difference being the formatting, with season 1's monster-of-the-week almost-standalones and season 8's continuous, over-arcing conflict with hell and the tablets.

(Screenshots taken from 1x05 and 8x07)

At the very core, though, is Sam and Dean with their, "I could have—" statements. Sam had visions about Jessica dying, he could have warned her. Dean had Castiel right there at the portal to exit Purgatory, he could have pulled him out. It is that guilt they must carry around and that burden they must bear.

(Screenshots taken from 1x05 and 8x07)

They even give one another the same damn pep talk. Dean saw that Jessica's death was slowly killing Sam, the same way Sam saw that Dean's return from Purgatory without Castiel was tearing Dean apart.

(Screenshots taken from 1x05 and 8x07)

Lastly, here are the verbal acknowledgements of their grief. Because hey, who am I to try to explain subtext and nonverbatim connections.

2.1. TO BE JOHN WINCHESTER'S SON

In this segment, I would like to point out two of the instances that Sam and Dean accepted being compared to John Winchester, both in regards to losing Jessica and Castiel respectively.

(Screenshots taken from 1x20)

Again, this is what the story was all about. Sam and John could or at least find solidarity in this, as was intended for the plot. (They even mirror God and Lucifer here, which is an entirely different can of worms I am not opening today.)

Keep in mind, Sam's always hated how John raised them, but it is evident that he found some comfort with John given their undeniably specific situations.

(Screenshots taken from 13x04 I talked a little more about this arc here)

Sam openly calls Dean out on his John-esque behavior; an irony in itself given that the brothers have long since established that Sam was the one who resembled John the most whereas Dean was always, "yes, sir!" until the very end.

In this very same arc, there is a concerning increase Dean's alcohol consumption—and the use of alcohol as a coping mechanism in itself, rather than the leisurely treat it recurringly was in the show—which are telling signs for the headspace Dean was in.

They both lashed out in John Winchester ways they've internalized over the years growing up. Sam went down the path of self-destructive revenge-seeking, while Dean lashed out by rejecting being a father role to Jack, becoming the "drill sergeant," instead. These traits were what hurt them as children and were the crux of John's grief over Mary's murder. Round and round the cycle goes.

2.2. TO BE LUCIFER'S VICTIM

(GIFs from 5x03 (a) and (b))

Again, another iconic parallel considering Lucifer's go-to trick to getting what he wants was to pose as the person his victims want the most. Another example of this exact same scenario is when Lucifer appears to rock star Vince Vicente as his dead girlfriend (and Vince ended up saying yes.)

In the earlier seasons, the most obvious choice for Sam was of course Jessica, as Lucifer was desperate to get ahold of Sam as a vessel. That was narratively sound, right? Even though 5 seasons (so about 5 years in canon) have passed since Jessica died, Sam hadn't forgotten her and she remained his greatest weakness.

(GIFs from 15x19)

Then on the flip side, during a time the story's well past the Script and God's most definitely free-styling, Lucifer appears again—and it is on God's orders. The devil chose Dean's weakness (Castiel) to blindside him, so Dean ends up running on emotions instead of questioning it.

This happened right after the episode Castiel confessed, and before the episode that Should Not Be Named... That also speaks for itself, doesn't it? Insane, absolute insanity to me.

3. MISCELLANEOUS: SYMBOLISMS & OTHER COINCIDENCES

(Screenshots taken from 1x01 and 14x12)

This is where I might be reaching, but it's a small observation I noticed while bingeing the Pilot episode. Of course, at the time, production likely didn't even put much thought into Jessica's costume, but it's a funny thing to point out all the same. (I screamed a little about Cas' healer motifs here in comparison to Cesar/Jesse if you're interested.)

(Screenshots taken from 1x01 and 10x09)

They both have the same Look when their boyfriend is talking down on himself, I can't even make this shit up.

+ I'm so frickin' tired I cannot look for screenshots anymore but Jessica's cookies plus Castiel's "you don't understand, I need pie," moment in the convenience store resonate with me.

+ Might edit and add more to this later, for now I sleepge.

REFERENCES

1x01: Pilot 1x05: Bloody Mary 1x20: Dead Man's Blood 5x03: Free to be You and Me 5x20: The Devil You Know 8x07: A Little Slice of Kevin 10x09: The Things We Left Behind 12x23: All Along the Watchtower 13x04: The Big Empty 14x12: Prophet and Loss 15x17: Unity 15x18: Despair 15x19: Inherit the Earth

UP NEXT: SARAH BLAKE

[neonlight2]

Jaehaera Targaryen (OC)

Masterlist

Sexuality

I would hope by now everyone knows she’s not straight…

Jaehaera’s sexuality would definitely be discovered with the help of Daemon. Both directly and indirectly. Firstly because… well I think we all know their relationship is far from innocent. However, I also think that she would take a lot of influence from Daemon in this particular area.

1. Because everyone around her (in her teenage years) is either a fucking prude, hypocrite *cough cough* patriarchy *cough*, or inexperienced.

2. Daemon would never lie to her, nor would he “shield” her from the real world.

3. He introduced her to White Worm.

Now let’s be honest, Viserys would push for her to be abstinent. Like, as much as he is “progressive” and supportive, he doesn’t want her to do it with anyone. (But he would agree he’d rather her court or fool around with women seeing as that wouldn’t put her at risk for Y’know.. surprises) Not to mention advisers, society, and Otto’s annoying ass would bring up tradition and a “woman’s reputation rests on her virtue” ALL THE FUCKING TIME

So naturally… this made Jaehaera curious. And other than Rhaenyra (who barely knew anything herself), who else would tell her whatever her heart and mind desired to know?

The Rogue Prince obviously.

Of course, there are a quite a few things that are from her individual self, but Daemon had a huge hand in the development and/or growth in her sexuality.

He would for sure tell her constantly—if it isn’t already obvious— that she was to be worshipped.no ifs or buts about it.

She was worthy.

She was precious.

She was a goddess.

And

He would also allow her to explore her ambiguity and fluid nature toward attraction, always making sure that she never feels shameful for it. And if he heard anyone say a damn thing about it— Dead. Simple. Done.

The first time he took her to a pleasure house, it was with Rhaenyra, and they would only partake in a few of the activities, while Daemon let them watch as he plundered many.

But the second time— it was only Daemon and Jaehaera. This was also when she met White worm, or as she likes to say… “my lady Mysaria.”

As I said before it is canon that Mysaria was her first.

“What do you want Prince Daemon?” White worm asked with no amusement in her tone, eyes still tracing the papers full of money, promises, secrets. “If you’re here for my services I’m afraid you’ll have to find another to please you—,”

“Oh don’t be cruel Mysaria,” Daemon cooed playfully, before feigning to be hurt by her words. “Do you truly think me so shallow?”

The woman, who’s eyes grew darker by the second from the lack of sleep, looked at him as if she would pounce and strangl him into oblivion.. if it weren’t for an innocent snort.

“Yes.”

Dropping his jaw in dramatic shock, Daemon whipped around to reveal a girl whom White worm could recognize automatically— there were many stories of the new princess, of her peculiar appearance, yet the stone cold woman couldn’t help but stare with warm intrigue.

“I don’t know what you mean, Issa jaesa?” My goddess

How fitting, Mysaria thought as she continued to study the girl before her, letting her eyes rummage through the disguise Daemon had no doubt put her in.

“You’re even more interesting than he said,” Jaehaera whispered, surprising Mysaria with how close she’d manage to get without her noticing. The princess’s hands now shifting the papers below her in order to read off otherwise private intel. “But I suppose Daemon wished to keep you all to himself.”

I don’t think it is me he wishes to harbor, White worm thought to herself.

“I’m truly offended you think I wouldn’t share everything with you Jaehaera,” Daemon remarked whilst wrapping his arms tightly around her middle. His forehead pressed into her scalp as he peered from behind her to look at Mysaria, almost like a warning. “I told you, you’d be taken with her.”

Mysaria raised a brow as the girl’s eyes flickered from the papers back to the woman she’d been hearing of for months. “You are exquisite, m’lady, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

White worm could have sworn she thought she were dying as she felt her empty heart flutter from the compliment. And those striking eyes of hers, gods did they capture her fleeting soul.

That was the being of their relationship, and not to long after (the third visit) during a night of turmoil and longing, they made each other fly in ecstasy.

The woman of secrets became enraptured with fascination, for no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t find out a single thing about Jaehaera’s past. Except for what the girl wished to share herself.

They would become as thick as thieves, and many of those close to Jaehaera wanted to know why, or to pry on the nature of this relationship.

Laenor would be the first to know about them sleeping together. It might be a shocking choice, but Jaehaera thought it the safest, and besides— he didn’t even know her personally. Perfect! She could rant and rave about her experiences, for they shared their sexual conquests with each other rather often, and not fear if he’d freak out or get jealous— nor try to steal Mysaria from her.

Although, he did tease her for it in the beginning a LOT. Because he knew that the others didn’t know what he knew and they actually knew who this “Mysaria” was.

“Oh! Have you seen Jae’s new hobby Nyra?”

“Laenor,” Jaehaera would give a warning look, not liking the mischief in his eyes. Rhaenyra’s confused expression only egged him on, naturally.

“Oh you must know! Our little dragon has a new affinity for worms!”

“I’m gonna castrate you~” Jaehaera would whisper to him in a song song voice.

“Worms?” Rhaenyra was taken back, eyebrows lifted and head atilt.

The other princess simply glared at her friend, it reading clearly as: “you did it, now fix this shit.”

“Well, well, well I mean— I—,” seven hells he was going to die, “I mean in medicine! You see I’ve heard theirs been an outbreak of parasites, and you know how bright our dead Jae is,” he rambled, gesturing sporadically at the amused girl beside him.

Lets just say he had to cover his own ass for the rest of the month.

Daemon would be the second to find out, because he notices how often Jaehaera begins to visit the brothel without him. And because he is who he is this conversation would happen…

“Are you fucking Jaehaera?” He’d ask so casually you’d think he was speaking of the weather.

Mysaria would laugh, making Daemon shocked; it was a rare sight. “She mostly fucks me,” she’d reply simply, almost smug from the reaction she was getting from him. “Why? Here to threaten me to stop?”

Clenching his jaw Daemon would retort, “Only to remind you to not displease her. No matter what I feel about it, she’s taken with you, so tread carefully.”

“Careful Daemon,” Mysaria teased, approaching him with feline steps, “You almost sound like you care.”

Daemon obviously came to terms with it, but it would take a while.

Rhaenyra though— yeah that’s a different story.

She finds out much later cause Daemon let it slip, and she is basically determined to make sure that she takes up most of Jaehaera’s time as possible. This kinda crosses over with her competition with Alicent.

Yet, Nothing could compare to the jealousy they all had over Jaehaera’s affection towards her companion… Edeline. (That will be touch more in “how did they react to her becoming more scandalous” because everyone knows Edeline and.. well it’s a mess)

Just know that Jaehaera is already pretty protective, some would say possessive, of what and who she loves. Edeline is no exception. And the dragon was ravenous nor afraid to express so.

Which brings us to preferences and kinks… (requests for any smut between any pair are open, but they’ll probably be written after I complete the prompts on the Masterlist):

Total exhibitionist— blame it on Daemon feeding her ego. She could care less who catches her in the act, besides Viserys because that is absolutely horrifying, but other than that she couldn’t give a shit. To be fair, it might spur her farther. Whoever she’s with could be in mild shock but it would quick surpass as Jaehaera continues to touch them unapologetically, perhaps more fervently. (Possibly a voyeur as well, thank the brothel visits for that, but would like to participate more)

She’s a giver. Don’t get me wrong, she’d love to receive, but if she had it her way she’d pleasure her partner until they could no longer stand

Overstimulation is a yes

Dumbification is almost obsessive

Loves teasing in daily life, so doing it in the bedroom should be no shock (edging)

Switch but leans top/dom

She just likes to be in control, blame it on her childhood trauma if you must, or her growing god complex derived from her family

But she definitely gives it up when she’s tired, or simply just feeling more vulnerable

Marking cause she’s a possessive bitch

I mean hickeys would be EVERYWHERE (her and her partner)

She has an obsession with scratching marks, scars, and stretch marks— I make the rules and it’s canon

Definitely Poly

Sadist and a masochist (she’s fr dangerous)

Might have the slightest corruption kink

Oral fixation— enough said

Knife play (loki variant much)

Loves brats, which explains Daemon

Jaehaera is a fucking pro at aftercare though. She will insist on taking a hot bath with whoever after unless if it was more of a casual thing— but even if it is she’s clean them up and leave kisses along their hair line, shoulders, and wherever she marked them.

Should be a shock, but she’s with more women then men, but can you really blame her? Men during this period are kinda trash, and she doesn’t want kids of her own.

But she’s definitely nicer to women, unless if their a brat and need to be punished. More gentle and sensual.

Without a doubt she’s slept with almost every lady in court, especially those who are seeking a husband. Jaehaera would say something like: “Well I thought I’d let them at least let them have one orgasm in their lifetime. All gods of old Valeria know that most won’t have one after betrothed to a lord of court.”

However with men, I believe it would turn her on more to torture/degrading/ make them crumble beneath her because if that isn’t a big “fuck you” to the patriarchy then I don’t know what is.

Then again, consent is a huge thing for her. She need verbal consent all the way through. Her partner wants her to do something? Ask for it

That’s where begging comes in

And praise (both ways)

***

So— that’s it for now. I may add more later. If you have any opinions or think I should add something, comment and I’ll most likely respond.

[egg-emperor]

I don't really think Eggman has ever really shown true inability to care about others in canon.

Like as soon as Adventure 2 he's established to have admired and been inspired by his Grandfather to become a great scientist and seems pretty genuinely disappointed that he'd try and simply wipe out humanity including him.

Honestly, I'd argue Eggman keeping robots like Orbot and Cubot around just shows Eggman has to have some sort of soft spot for his creations.

There's no real reason for them to have their personalities in the first place beyond Eggman wanting to have people to talk to. Sure, he's a total jerk to them a lot, but he could scrap them or replace them with silent less annoying robots anytime he wants, but he doesn't, even though they screw up and both directly and indirectly mock him constantly.

If anything, Lost World shows he likes them enough to save them from falling into Lava when in the flashback he clearly swoops down with his jetpack to save them before escaping and tries to fix Cubot as best he can when he loses his body. As robots they're beyond replaceable to a man who can pump out 50 battleships in an afternoon, but he doesn't.

I mean, I'd argue any supervillain who goes out of their way to build sentient robots kind of inherently implies loneliness as a character trait. Him growing to more openly care about Sage isn't that unthinkable in my opinion. We've never seen it before, but we've also never seen Eggman be so completely dependent on someone else before. She's the only thing keeping him alive for most of the game, and she's loyal despite probably having the same capacity to ditch him robots like Metal Sonic and Omega have.

I don't see it that way. There's been plenty of times where he's shown he doesn't give a damn about others way more blatantly than what people speculate and interpret as him having the ability to care.

I still feel that with SA2, he was disappointed that Gerald hadn't considered him personally as his grandson that admired and was inspired by his genius might still be around to be affected and how his actions almost resulted in his destruction and the world he wants to rule too. He only said "did he really mean to destroy us" in his refection of it because everyone literally would've died if it had succeeded. It really seems that way when he'd still go on to cause catastrophic global destruction just steps away from completely destroying the planet himself multiple times after.

He's also shown that he lacks empathy for how his actions affect others over and over again. Not only by continuing to cause mass destruction to the world that would result in death as long as it still exists to rule but also with the way he's acknowledged that his plans will have collateral damage resulting in deaths, is willing to commit genocide, and knows that he's hurting people physically sometimes even through direct attempted murder and mentally through manipulation and gaslighting and doesn't care. He even attempted to blow up a city of innocent people.

He also hasn't been seen to care about his creations as he insults, abandons, punishes and tries to destroy Metal, the E Series, SA-55 and Orbot and Cubot, and Omega the second they disobey or even mildly displease him after trying their best. He was cruel to Emerl despite him once being in the hands of Gerald, beating him when he didn't do as he was told and manipulating to take advantage of his softness and then mocking him for it. There's even Gerald's creation with Shadow, who he sees as nothing but a tool he's entitled to, manipulates and gaslights him, and doesn't care that he's understandably upset after. Shows that even having connection to his actual blood family doesn't make him care.

It's shown countless times that his creations, lackeys and other artificial beings, whether he created them or not, are just tools he can easily throw away, replace, break down and reuse, or destroy. Why he keeps Orbot and Cubot around in particular is pure speculation as they didn't imply he sees them as family like Boom Egg. I headcanon that it's because he likes the challenge of combatting the sass of Orbot and dumbness of Cubot to feel superior but sometimes they piss him off too much. And that SA-55 was the first attempt but it was too much to the point he has to scrap him. It can be seen as him liking to have assistants to order around and mistreat to feel superior and that makes it more messed up actually.

The "never has a thought for anyone else" bio in Advance 2 wasn't lying. He's deeply selfish and self centered and there isn't a single moment that people use as reasons to imply he has the ability to care that I can't explain in a way that adds up with my points instead. And I don't like or think him creating things is a sign of loneliness, he was fine on his own for years before he has SA-55 and Orbot and Cubot to interact with. He seems to like being independent and working on his own a lot. I can't imagine it sincerely working for him to be dependent or caring for an AI all of a sudden with all this in mind, the contrast and contradiction is too vast in comparison, even more so with how fast they forced it into the plot in Frontiers.

I kind of rushed my points here because I don't really want to debate this anymore but here's an attempted summary. I think that's everything I want to say without making this way longer.

[lusilly]

ppb

some little pieces here and there of and ot3 which is practically canon because osc, noted homophobe, hilariously writes the GAYEST characters

peter: nerdy academic and kinda president of the free world, petra: angry commander-in-chief whose competitive streak is so strong it's pathological, bean: big, big, big man with a sword hanging over him at every moment who is just now discovering that he is not incapable of love. now that's how to do a real co-parenting situation

---

In Araraquara, after the little pauper’s service they had for Achilles, who did not deserve it except that Bean insisted, Peter called them four times in the first week.

“Petra,” called Bean, as she was in the kitchen shredding ginger root with a spoon for tea. Poking his head into the room, hair still wet from a shower, Bean held out the phone and said, “Ender’s brother wants to speak to you.”

Even though the phone was not at either of their ears, they both still audibly heard Peter say, “Ouch.” Petra sighed and took the call, tucking it between her shoulder and cheek. “He must be really mad,” Peter continued, without skipping a beat. “I didn’t interrupt you in bed, did I?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Petra replied, dropping ginger into a pot of water. “What do you want Peter?”

“I’m sorry Petra, is it a bad time? Hold on, I’ll hang up and call the spiritual leader of a billion people directly - it’s really just the fate of the free world on ours hands-”

“What do you want, Peter?”

What he wanted, evidently, was for her to return his banter. There had been a strangeness to Peter’s tone lately, an odd falseness that she and Bean spoke about sometimes at night when discussing the fate of the Hegemony, and indeed, the fate of the free world, but which they could not quite place. It was sharper, yes, but more familiar. 

“Bean,” Petra had said, late at night, when he laid his head against her belly, imagining he could hear a heartbeat, “you don’t think Peter thinks we’re his friends, do you?” She sounded half-horrified at the thought.

Bean did not reply right away. “I don’t know,” he said. “You don’t think he’s earned it?”

“How? By being an idiot?”

“He stayed in the compound with me that night, Petra. Me and Peter against Achilles and half an army.”

“Yes, but he didn’t do anything.”

“Well, he stayed.”

Petra didn’t say anything in response to this. Troubled, she ran her fingers through Bean’s hair, where wiry curls had begun to grow now that Petra no longer shaved his head weekly. They were not soldiers anymore, after all.

She asked, “Does he ever remind you of Ender?”

“No,” said Bean. “Never.”

Petra made a face. “Me neither. I wish he did. I think that would make this easier.”

“Make what easier?”

“Being his friend.”

Bean laughed, and he kissed her belly, traveling up past her collarbone to her lips. “I’m not sure he’s ever had a friend in his life,” he told her. When he held her, his hands felt so big against her body, his palm splayed out across the width of her ribs. “I can sympathize.”

“Mm. As someone else who never had a friend in his life. Not to this day.”

“Not once.”

She kissed him. “He has his parents.”

Bean wanted to say, “I hope you never say that of our children,” but he couldn’t, partly because he did not know if he would live long enough to be a friend to his child, and partly because he couldn’t yet bring himself to say the word children. Child, yes, the one growing inside of Petra. But the others, for his sanity, for the moment, he could not yet begin to hope.

In the kitchen in Araraquara, waiting for the tea to boil, Peter had moved on to whatever qualified as business in his own mind. “I don’t suppose you could get in touch with Dink Meeker, could you? Our odds at reaching Alai are better with every member of the jeesh we can get in touch with, and he’s being a bit of a pain to reach at the moment. Is it true that you and he used to be-?”

“If Dink doesn’t want to be found, leave him alone.”

“But Alai-”

“You’ll get to Alai sooner or later. Dink never liked playing the game, so leave him out of this.”

Peter didn’t like this answer, which he indicated by hesitating before he spoke once more. “It might not matter anyway. We’re already at critical mass, if I can count you and Bean.”

“What do you mean, if you can count me and Bean?”

“Well, you two are away honeymooning-”

There was a bang as Petra nearly broke the tea cups she was pulling out of the cabinet. At that moment Bean entered the kitchen, half-dressed, and kissed her on the cheek. “What was it this time?” he asked. “Barefoot and pregnant or housewife?”

Petra held the phone out to him, which he took dutifully. On the other end, Peter said, “Just honeymoon. Is that so bad? You are honeymooning, aren’t you?”

“Sure,” answered Bean, getting to work on a mango at the kitchen table. “If you consider regrouping after an execution and investigating leads on our stolen genetic material a honeymoon.”

“Stolen genetic material,” Petra echoed, pouring the tea. “So romantic.”

To Bean, Peter said, “You have got to get her to stop calling those embryos children, Bean - I know Sister Carlotta was Catholic, but come on.”

Bean thought it should bother him more that Peter had the nerve to evoke Carlotta’s name to him, but for some reason it came gently, more of a touch than a blow. “What do you need, Peter?”

“I was hoping your wife could get me in touch with a certain Dutch Battle School graduate.”

“I’m Greek.”

“No, the other one.”

“Peter, we just killed him, remember?”

“I’m talking about Dink Meeker, smartass. And Achilles was Belgian.”

Bean did not know Dink well, except as the boy who held Petra when she cried after the final battle. But he trusted Petra’s judgment. “You heard what the lady said.”

“Sure. Hey,” he began, “when are you two going to come back? You know you have access to all of my resources here, and the IF’s.”

Bean highly doubted this. Peter wildly underestimated the Fleet’s capabilities. “We’re in touch with Ferreira. Once we turn up a lead, we’ll be back within reach of your grasping ambition. Promise.”

Annoyed, Peter asked, “What are you even doing out there? Eating papayas with the locals?”

“Papayas,” said Bean, cocking his head. “And other things.”

If Peter caught the innuendo, which Bean was not confident he did given the fact that Peter had very clearly never known the touch of a woman in his sad little life, he ignored it. “Well, hurry up and come back to where you can be useful.”

“Peter,” said Bean. Something about this amused him, and good-naturedly, he asked, “Sweetheart, you’re not getting lonely, are you?”

To which Peter let out a frustrated sigh, and hung up the phone.

---

“I’m not saying I need her to like me,” said Peter, pointedly buttering a roll. “All I’m looking for is some kind of mutual respect. No, not respect. Just acknowledgement. If the two of you would give me just a touch of the benefit of the doubt, I promise I’ll be a good boy and won’t throw it back in your faces.”

Bean was not hungry; he had been grazing all day, as he did more and more as he kept growing, up and out. Peter had not eaten since coffee that morning, and so whenever he stopped by the Arkanian-Delphiki household on the Hegemony compound, he helped himself to the contents of their fridge.

“She likes you,” said Bean.

Mouth full, Peter let out a bark of laughter. “She barely puts up with me.”

“She likes you,” Bean said again, firmly. “She grew up in Battle School, remember? The only way she knows how to show affection is through bullying.”

Skeptically, Peter asked, “Oh, is that the only way? So that’s what the baby in her belly is, you call that bullying?”

Bean grinned at him. “Yes, actually. I didn’t want my genes to continue on to the next generation. She’s the one who wore me down.”

Peter ate his bread. Well, Bean’s bread. “So romantic, getting a turkey baster stuffed up inside of you.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Despite himself, in the very childish way that told Bean that Peter had both grown up privileged, and grown up with siblings - no matter how he treated them - Peter tore an edge off his bread roll and tossed it at Bean. “Gross.”

“Petra was always like that,” Bean continued. “She didn’t like me when we first met. I was a snot-nosed kid, not many people did.”

“I didn’t,” offered Peter helpfully.

“By the time I met you I at least looked like a normal-sized child,” Bean said. “Imagine waking up in Battle School and finding a walking, talking infant talking back to you.”

“Frankly, I can’t believe you survived and other boys didn’t.”

“Just the one other boy,” said Bean.

“Two,” corrected Peter. He waved his hand, as if to say, Well of course you don’t know. “The other was before your time.”

Bean didn’t ask what happened to whoever the other one was. He could imagine. “Petra likes you,” he repeated, with some finality. “Anyway, she has a record of warming up to sad little boys who only have about one redeeming trait, so you’re in good company.”

“You think I have a redeeming trait? Why, Bean, I’m charmed.”

“That trait being, of course, that you kind of resemble your brother in the right light.”

“Boo,” said Peter. “You can do better than that.”

“You’re right, I can do better. Your one redeeming trait is that you’re so small and frail that you make me look especially good in the bedroom.”

“That’s all you, Bean. If the growth is, ah, proportional, you certainly don’t need my help.”

Fair enough. And a compliment to boot. Peter was getting better at this. 

---

Petra was one of precisely six girls at Battle School. She was never shy about using the toilet or changing into her battle suit with the other. If she felt the need to run for some privacy every time they geared up for battle, Bonzo would’ve beat the shit out of her, and she wouldn’t have had it in her to beat him back like Ender did. She got her first period when she bled onto a seat in class, and had to walk with a teacher to the nurse’s - the blood on her pants she could’ve dealt with, but no one ever let her live down being accompanied by a teacher. 

Phoenix Army was the first time she’d ever had quarters to herself, and she had found it uncomfortable. But it was a sign of a frightened commander to sleep in the barracks with the rest of the army, and she had only been in Dink’s room for twenty minutes after lights out before they went and got her.

The point was, she wasn’t shy about her privates. When the nurses asked if she wanted anyone in the room with her, her response was to point out that she was much more concerned, at the moment, with getting this creature in her belly out of her, and her mother, who was just behind the door, burst into tears when she heard Petra call the baby a creature.

It was both mothers in the end, Petra’s and Bean’s. They tried to hold her hands, but she kept pulling her hands away; she found it patronizing, somehow, even as she screamed on that hospital bed.

But the screaming didn’t last long. Labor barely lasted two hours, and the baby cried when he was born, lungs tiny but fully-formed. Before they took him to the NICU - only for monitoring, as he seemed otherwise healthy - they let Petra hold him.

Peter was the first to visit. He held balloons and flowers, but immediately disabused her of the notion that he was being thoughtful by saying, “My mother told me to give you these.”

“Ah,” said Petra. “She didn’t want to give them herself?”

“She says women who just gave birth should have as few visitors as possible until the first time they pee. She says it’s less intimidating to deal with guests once you know everything still works down there.”

“You get your charm from her,” said Petra, as Peter placed the flowers and balloons on a table by the bed. 

“Definitely not from my father,” Peter agreed. He went to her bedside, leaning slightly over her, looking at the baby. “Wow,” he murmured. “He’s tiny.”

Petra brushed her thumb across the baby’s little face. She did not want to think about his size, and what that meant about his life. “He’s beautiful.”

“He takes after Bean.” Petra glanced up at him severely, and he quickly amended, “Look, I meant he’s got his father’s nose. And so much hair, huh?”

“That’s an Armenian thing,” Petra confirmed. “And his nose is just squashed because he just squeezed his way through my pelvis. Give him a week to decompress and we’ll see what he actually looks like.”

Peter looked down at the baby. “Hello,” he said, his voice softer than Petra was accustomed to. “Hello, baby. God, he’s little.”

Petra watched Peter looking. “Do you want to hold him?”

“Absolutely not,” said Peter. “He’s like an hour old, Petra, give him time to breathe.”

The baby nuzzled against her chest, and she pulled out a breast to feed him. Peter didn’t even blink. “When is Julian getting in?” she asked.

“Oh, he’s still half a day away. You popped this little guy out way too fast.”

“Did he tell you we’re going to baptize him?”

“Yes,” answered Peter. “He said Catholic. Aren’t both of you Orthodox?”

“Sister Carlotta was Catholic,” said Petra.

“Yes,” said Peter, again. “But ethnically, you two are Orthodox.”

“We’re barely anything. But it’s a boy, so we can’t name him after her, so this is the best we can do.”

“If you were really committed, you’d name him Carlos.”

Petra chuckled, looking down at her baby. “We already picked a name.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.”

“You can pick the next one I give birth to,” said Petra.

“Ha-ha,” said Peter grimly, but the next time she asked if he wanted to hold Ender, he said yes.

---

Next to Bean, Petra and Peter both felt small. The difference between the two of them - an inch or two, at that - was nothing compared to the full head he towered above them both. When he kissed Petra, Bean would lean down, hunching over. When he kissed Peter, he made Peter get up on his tiptoes and come to him.

Pressed between them, Peter felt his heart pounding so hard in his chest it was a wonder they couldn’t hear it. One of Bean’s hands held Petra’s, her fingers tiny between his, and the other hand was splayed across Peter’s ribs. If he didn’t find it so insanely hot, he might have found the hugeness of Bean’s hand and the power in his arms almost frightening.

“Look at this,” breathed Peter, rocking back slightly into Petra. “My parents would be horrified.”

“Oh, please,” Petra said. “They forgave Ender for killing a boy, Peter, they can forgive you for kissing one.”

“They’re religious, Petra, not medieval.” Bean’s hand went from Peter’s ribs to the small of his back, pulling him in, and for half a second he felt faint. “Kissing a man? Fine. Kissing a married man?” Over his shoulder, a smile on their lips, Bean and Petra kissed. “I’m going to hell,” breathed Peter.

[thegeminisage]

john abused both dean AND sam, just differently. in this essay i will

prove that the abuse manifested in different ways for each of them because that’s how abuse works in real life. this is based on the fact that john saw dean as mary’s surrogate but once he found out about the deal and sam having demon blood he blamed sam for her death. ok let’s fucking go

dean as mary’s surrogate

there are loads of parallels made between dean and mary in early season spn and late season spn. in season 12 dean directly calls himself sam’s mother, but even earlier than that we see him doing the cooking and child rearing. compare that to all the parallels made between sam and john (both of them losing their blonde woman significant others in a ceiling fire) and it’s clear that dean was meant to more resemble mary. it’s not a stretch to say that if we can see it as viewers this is how john saw it in his actual life. i do think john loves dean for being dean but he loves him more for being mary.

sam as the reason behind mary’s death

i think once john learned that sam had demon blood, some part of him must have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop with sam, not ever fully believing this kid was human, and maybe not even knowing if this kid was HIS. a popular theory back in the day was that YED fathered sam (something they had to actually address in season 4 to stop the speculation), and if WE speculated that hard, surely john must have too. i’m sure he loves sam as an extension of mary, and keeps and raises and protects him BECAUSE he’s mary’s, but similarly (or maybe inverse) to dean, i don’t know if he ever fully gave himself permission to love sam for being sam. in fact, i imagine john harbors a lot of self-loathing for failing to save mary. if we directly parallel john and sam, that means by some extent he would also hate sam.

john trusted dean with far too much, and sam with far too little

dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. dean had memories of their mother and the night she died, and shared that trauma of watching her die with john; sam didn’t. dean knew when john was supposed to be home and who to call if he wasn’t; sam didn’t. dean was given the money and the guns and the CAR ITSELF; sam wasn’t. dean was taught to drive; SAM WASN’T. 

dean was expected to do everything john was supposed to have been doing in his absence - he was to be a mother and father to sam, he was supposed to protect sam from evil, he was supposed to see to sam’s meals and homework and getting to school on time. and he was put under an EXTRAORDINARY amount of pressure not to screw this up even a little bit, despite the fact that he was only a kid. sam on the other hand was kept on a strict need-to-know basis for his entire life, right up until season 1 when they reunite at last. john didn’t trust sam with ANYTHING, and sam knew it. this contributed to his lifelong anger issues because he didn’t DO anything to warrant that kind of mistrust and probably got gaslit about it a lot of times either by john himself or dean (unknowingly, by parroting/believing the things john said). even in the pilot sam says very casually of his mother “she’s gone,” because her memory doesn’t hold the same place of reverence for him - best guess is that john didn’t talk about her much to sam because he didn’t trust sam with emotional stuff either. in s14 we learn that dean was the one who told sam stories about mary, including her terrible casserole - and their attempt at recreating it infuriated john to the point of him throwing the entire concoction in the trash.

john relied on dean for everything, and refused to rely on sam for anything

canonically dean was the one who comforted john after a bad hunt, looked after and fed his brother when john wasn’t around. dean knew how to use a shotgun; sam didn’t. dean knew who to call in an emergency; sam didn’t. dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. this was done under the guise of “protection for sammy” but turn it around and it’s also protection FROM sammy. think of how angry john gets when he learns sam has been having psychic visions. he’s not just angry that dean didn’t report it to him, he’s angry that the demon’s plans for sam are coming to pass, and that sam is becoming less human. again, he can’t TRUST sam if sam’s not human, and it proves to john that he was right all along to keep sam in the dark as much as possible.

john gave dean too much freedom, and sam no freedom at all

“watch out for sammy.” sam was under constant supervision by either dean or john; john made sure of it. again, it’s protection FOR sam but also protection FROM him, in case he did something inhuman or evil. dean on the other hand was left alone without any supervision at all for days or even weeks at a time - he resorts to stealing bread and peanut butter and (according to jackles) turning tricks for money. he had to make it work and got up to whatever the fuck he wanted when john wasn’t looking. sam had to LITERALLY run away from home before he got the simple pleasure of eating pizza and having a dog by himself, independently. dean was given too much independence and freedom but sam was kept on such a short leash he had none at all.

john made dean feel unworthy, and he made sam feel unclean

when dean fails to protect sam from the shtriga in the season 1 flashbacks, he says his dad looked at him differently after. he also implies that john physically beat him when sam ran away in flagstaff. whether he meant to or not, john made it abundantly clear that his love for dean was not unconditional; it depended very much on how well dean performed the multitude of tasks john assigned him. dean grew up believing that his only worth was in what he could do for other people. he demonstrates this an an adult over and over and over, from letting his possessed family members beat him up to refusing to take care of his own needs, emotional and otherwise, and snapping at people who try to talk to him about his own feelings.

on the other hand, sam talks in season 8 about how even at a very young age he felt impure and unclean, even before he knew that he had demon blood, even before he knew that there was any such thing as monsters. kids aren’t stupid, and sam picked up on the vibes john was putting off - that john didn’t trust him, might not have loved him, and might not have considered him human or even his own child. without even knowing why, he spent his entire life feeling unclean and inhuman, not worth of being loved by his own family. even dean, who we all know loves sam unconditionally, admits in season 14 that he often took dad’s side on arguments because he had “his own stuff,” further leading to the alienation that was sam’s constant companion growing up. 

AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY:

JOHN’S ABUSE PITTED SAM AND DEAN AGAINST EACH OTHER

john saved dean after their shared trauma of mary’s death. dean says in season 1 that the reason he stopped talking was that he was scared. iirc john’s journal implies he was mute for over a year, and dean in season 2 says that when he was 6 or 7 his dad took him shooting for the first time. if mary died just before dean’s fifth birthday, the timeline works out to dean talking again because john took him shooting. i believe that dean hero worships his father because after mary’s death, and dealing with the terror that something like that could come in and take his family away by killing them horribly at any time without any warning, john learning to fight back against the darkness - and teaching dean to do the same - is what gave dean his voice again. BOTH of them saw and carried the memory of mary burning on the ceiling for the rest of their lives. “watch out for sammy” and “get the thing that killed mom” were dean’s reasons to get up in the morning, because they were john’s reasons to get up in the morning. these things were LITERALLY his reasons for living. john gave dean a way to fight back against fear and gave him a cause to keep him going. abuse or not, dean never stopped being grateful for that, and he was the only other person in the whole world who understood the unique horror of what john went through that night. even all the way into season 10, he tells other people that john did right by him. it’s borderline brainwashing. part of dean’s self-worth will always be based on how good of a son he was to john.

on the other hand, knowingly or not, john did everything possible to alienate sam. he kept him on a short leash while also keeping him at arm’s distance. he didn’t trust sam with emotional things like the memory of mary, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about monsters and what they did for a living, he didn’t trust sam with his plans, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about demon blood. canon STRONGLY suggests john knew YED bled in sam’s mouth as a baby, but instead of telling sam or even dean about that, sam had to learn about it in a horrible flashback recreated by YED himself. when sam wanted to go to school, john told him no, and when he left anyway, john told him not to come back.

this is an equal but opposite kind of abuse. john totally fucked up BOTH his kids in complete inversions to each other.

which means that, no matter what john did, it caused sam and dean to fight. this isn’t an interpretation. this is straight up canon.

again, dean says in s14 that he frequently took dad’s side in arguments because he had his own stuff to deal with, and he was trying to keep the peace. dean, a victim of emotional (and implied sometimes physical) abuse himself, was not able to shield sam from all of john’s bullshit. he could stop sam from getting hit and having to see john during the worst of his drunken rages, but he couldn’t trick sam into thinking john loved him unconditionally, because john didn’t love either of his kids unconditionally.

when john acted in a way that was not befitting of a parent, sam rightfully took exception, which forced dean (who was ALSO BEING ABUSED, almost brainwashed) to jump to his defense. that led to john getting to do whatever the hell he wanted and sam and dean arguing about the effects. when sam ran away in flagstaff, DEAN was punished, leading dean to resenting sam for that incursion, even though sam was perfectly right to want to get away from an abusive household. when sam did a normal thing wanting to leave for college at age 18, he left, and dean resented him for that because that meant he was alone to bear the brunt of john’s anger. 

sam repeatedly made logical, emotionally healthy choices in attempting to break the family dynamic, but because of JOHN’S BEHAVIOR, not sam’s, those choices wound up causing dean harm. JOHN HIMSELF was the ultimate wedge between sam and dean growing up and beyond.

and let’s not forget the biggest sin - john spent 22 years impressing upon dean that taking care of sammy was EVERYTHING, and then without any explanation at all, he asked dean to kill him, and then he DIED, which meant dean had to carry that weight by himself (because again, he’s been trained not to trust sam with things). like of COURSE sam got angry when he found out - that’s fucking fucked up! once again sam is being treated like a ticking time bomb for absolutely no reason - he didn’t ask to have demon blood or psychic visions or a dead mom or an abusive father. nor did dean ask to be saddled with the upbringing of an entire human at four years old who he then might have to kill. because dean will always feel gratitude towards john, and sam will always feel resentment, and because based on john’s treatment of them BOTH OF THESE FEELINGS ARE JUSTIFIED, john continues to cause fights between sam and dean long after he’s dead and gone, and that will never change.

on a final note: i’d like to bring this around to season 13.

after cas, mary, kelly, and crowley all die (or are presumed dead in mary’s case) in the season 12 finale, season 13 opens with nobody but sam and dean and jack. dean directly blames jack for these deaths. he says so multiple times. he says where jack can hear him that he knows jack is evil and impure and cannot be saved and calls jack a freak. when jack tries repeatedly to kill himself dean says to jack’s face not to bother, because WHEN jack does go bad, dean will be the one to kill him. dean does NOT see jack as castiel’s child - he sees jack as someone who brainwashed cas and kelly both and got them killed. dean does not even see jack as a human person worthy of life. from the get-go, all he wants is to put jack down. jack is born into a world shaped by pain and grief and anger, where people hate him simply for what he is and who died to get him here. 

and again, sam identifies hard with jack. he justifiably protests dean’s treatment of him. jack is a kid and didn’t ask for any of this. jack is terrified of dean. sam reminds dean that john said all these things about sam that dean is saying about jack. john is still causing a rift between his sons over a decade after his death.

eventually, after jack uses his powers and brings back cas from the empty, dean pulls his head out of his ass and admits that he was wrong. he calls jack his kid more than once, and jack refers to dean as one of his dads. but the damage has already been done. jack struggles multiple times with his powers, accidentally hurting people and then wishing himself dead after. he also struggles without them; even when using his powers means using up pieces of his soul, he does it, because dean taught him that he’s only worthy of being loved and trusted if he’s “good.” even when he has NO SOUL, when jack does something bad he panics about it and seeks to undo it at any cost. that’s how deep the damage runs.

i see a lot of people remarking that in the arc of 13.01-13.05, dean became john, and i agree that he did. but dean didn’t do to jack what john did to him. dean did to jack what john did to SAM.

[spn masterpost]

[chibichibisha]

Are you ever going to tells us how ermine and deuce first met/how they fell in love, and possibly headcanons?

*CRACKS KNUCKLES* Thanks for indulging me in my ship 💖😭

Disclaimer: This is based on my own universe so some of the stuff mentioned there are part of the cards I'm doing for them, it's full of headcanons too for sure even if I try to stick to canon material as much as I can. The romantic relationship of my oc's are not actually implied or appear directly on cards, so this is me sharing what actually happens outside that! It's quite long lmao

Deuce and Ace first see Ermine at the welcome party the first years have after the ceremonial entrance. They later meet him better on Heartslabyul chapter, as he is still at Riddle's side during the dorm incident, and they do not talk personally or directly. It's when Trey tells them about Riddle's situation and Ermine's first year at the school that they understand that Ermine is just behaving how he is supposed to behave, and it's not the real him. They are the ones that save him, along with all the other residents as well, from Riddle's tyrannical reign and it's when Ermine drops the facade and really shows how he was hurting.

They later have the opportunity to see how Ermine is outside the dorm duties, and they realize Ermine is not at all cool: he looks stressed and panicking all the time, and running everywhere. He also seems very scared of certain students that seem violent. One of these times is when he sees Deuce revert to his delinquent side and lose his cool and since then, Ermine gets terrified of him.

On Ermine's Gym uniform card, Ace mentions Ermine always runs away when he sees Deuce outside the dorm, because of this, and Deuce seems to feel a bit guilty because he really didn't want to scare him off. From then, he tries to be polite and nice with Ermine to show that he is actually a nice guy.

The moment they start to approach a bit more is when an unbirthday party approaches, and Deuce needs to get better at maths, or he won't be able to attend the game nor the party (The story of their dorm uniform cards). Riddle lends him one of his notebooks for study, and Ermine tutores him to help him, because he sees it like part of a dorm obligation at first. Deuce gets happy about it since it's a good opportunity to show he can be a good student and not a scary guy, and he is able to make Ermine behave more like he truly is, and not the "perfect attendant" persona he picks up there.

He respects and holds Ermine in a very good opinion since then, and them, with Ace, start to hang out more too. So it's a natural process of them becoming friends, honestly. The first who falls for the other is Deuce, definitely, and he doesn't even realize first. It has to be Ace the one that jokingly tells him "you surely likes Ermine-senpai more than what you realiza, huh?" which makes Deuce think for a moment, and react with a "Maybe" while Ace jolt surprised. Deuce naturally accepts it in a way. He never fell in love before, he cannot even talk to girls and at first, Ermine didn't even approach him, so he didn't know how it was supposed to be. If the case is that he may like Ermine more than a friend, he is good with it. He is pretty positive, honestly.

But Deuce is not experienced in this, so whenever he tries to make a step, he becomes too embarrassed and Ermine doesn't understand anything, he tries him as he is being an idiot. Fortunately, Deuce is best when he doesn't think too much about stuff, so he ends up being very smooth and flirty when he doesn't intend it. Since Ermine keeps tutoring Deuce because they work well together, Deuce may comment on stuff in a sweet or endearing way that makes Ermine embarrassed. He will stare at him unintentionally or mention that he looks cute that day, just for Ermine to get red and kind of annoyed because he is not taking it seriously, but it's affecting him.

Ermine only starts to consider something like this when Deuce gets used to getting giddy about being with Ermine, showing that off, and admitting, confessing, that he indeed likes him for real. And that makes Ermine reject any type of feeling he might start to have knowing this, because he had always been very dishonest about what he really wanted, and this is no exception. Deuce may say he likes him, but Ermine is not gonna let it happen. Also, he doesn't have very good self-esteem, and Deuce is definitely a good guy, it wouldn't even work.

That doesn't mean, though, that he doesn't think about it, and starts to fall for Deuce' sweet side as well.

The first moment he begins to accept it a bit is during the VDC and the culture festival. Deuce spends two weeks preparing for that and Ermine realizes how different it feels without having Deuce around, which makes him longer a bit for the feelings. He is a bit busy himself so he tries to not think much about it. But when he hears from Riddle that Deuce broke the rules and got out of campus with Epel, he panics a little bit because he doesn't know anything. It's really the only moment there is a misunderstanding between them, because Ermine feels bad during all that, until he is able to talk directly to Deuce, and he does, of course. For the first time he has the courage to really ask him if Duece got tired of the thing they might have, whatever it is, because Ermine is always backing up from that, and if it's the case, he should be saying him clearly. Deuce doesn't understand at first, but when Ermine mentions Epel, he kind of gets it, even if Ermine is not explaining himself clearly. He apologizes because he should have talked clearly to Ermine earlier, but didn't know how to do it. It's okay because Ermine actually trusts Deuce after all that, and that is when it is still a bit unresolved, but they somehow know they like each other.

The flirty shenanigans keep going, with Deuce telling Ermine that he will do his best if Ermine ever let him, until the Star Sending happens and Ermine knows how work Deuce works for the festival to happen, protecting the tree and the stars and practicing hard for the dance, that Ermine realize he really fell after all for Deuce. Looking at him like that makes him feel kind of proud and he finds him cool, he is drawn to him. At this point, he doesn't want to run away anymore from it, he just wants to be with Deuce. So after the festival, when everything is over, he approaches Deuce with the intention to tell him something, he doesn't know what exactly tho. But instead of that, he just kisses Deuce for the first time and tells him he did a really good job. It leaves Deuce speechless, but seconds later he is just too happy about it.

Some dating Deumine headcanons:

Their dates are mostly study dates, to be honest. None of them see this as a problem because, actually, they like to hang out alone, and just talk. Deuce wants to get Ermine into dates outside campus though, and give him magical wheels rides.

He actually did this on Ermine's birthday.

Deuce is definitely more open about it. Once he passes the questioning phase of him liking someone (and a guy, but that's not exactly that important) and that makes him feel embarrassed, he is the type to talk about how cute his partner is and how happy he is around him, because he is really an honest guy.

Ermine on the other hand, is much more introverted about it and even if he is pretty much in love with Deuce, he is still embarrassed and running away from those praises. He doesn't do well with them.

Also yes, Deuce is the more touchy one. He hugs and kisses Ermine most of the time, while Ermine is the type to lean in against Deuce or pull his sleeve. He gives Deuce shy kisses and is much more cuddly as well if he is in the mood.

Ermine finds it endearing that Deuce likes lil chickens and eggs. Yuu told them that there's a festivity in the world where they come from where people believe a rabbit brings colorful eggs to kids. It sounds too crazy for Ermine but Deuce loves the idea.

Deuce is sometimes the intense guy type, and he will mention that he would marry Ermine in a heartbeat, which makes Ermine to call him an idiot, but it affects him.

Everyone in Heartslsabyul knows they are dating because they never intended to keep it a secret. But that just leads to some embarrassing moments of Cater mentioning them being a couple.

Deuce always wants to show how he is able to take care of Ermine whenever he needs it, and how is okay with Ermine being the way he is. He wants to be seen reliable and as cool as he sees Ermine, so that just fuels his goal of being a honor students more. Ermine supports him, of course.

Deuce talked to his mom about Ermine and she can't believe her son is dating someone, she definitely wants to meet him. From Ermine' side, he just told his big sister, and she is also supportive. On the future, Deuce's mom and Ermine's big sister are the ones who helps them the most.

They are the most sweet and lovey dovey when they both are alone.

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Rain Check

Spencer Reid x (gender neutral) Reader

Word Count: 2860

Warnings: Lots of sexual tension and pining and ~heated glances~ or whatever but no actual sexy times. Author plays fast and loose with the canonical details of Spencer’s teaching sabbatical, as well as the logistics of grad school. There’s a teacher-student thing going on, but no weird age gap or whatever. Excessive objectification of Spencer’s hands, because really, what else do you expect from me? 

A/N: For the “mutual pining” square on my @cmbingo​ card! 

You trail off. Spencer’s staring like he’s waiting for you to say something else, even though you’ve been rambling for a while now. 

“Sorry,” you say sheepishly. 

“For what?” 

“You probably didn’t need to know all of that.”

He blinks, shaking his head with a quiet laugh. 

Something about him makes you want to open up; it’s been almost an hour of nonstop conversation, and you haven’t told him what you’re studying or even where you’re studying, but you feel like you’ve known him for years. You’ve talked about your favorite books and assorted high school traumas. He keeps insisting he’s not good at small talk anyway. 

“I really like listening to you talk,” he says, soft and sweet. “I just… I like watching you talk, too. I noticed your eyelashes and — and I got distracted.” 

Your cheeks feel hot, suddenly. You know the feeling. 

“Oh,” you manage.

There’s something about his hands; they’re just very fucking distracting, and every time he tucks his hair behind his ears, you lose your train of thought. It doesn’t help that he keeps absently-mindedly twirling a pen as he talks, long dexterous fingers moving with precise little movements, and — yeah. Distracting is putting it mildly. There’s this constant low flicker of want in your gut. 

“It’s been a long time since I enjoyed myself this much in a bar,” he admits, with a self-conscious little half-smile. 

“Me too.” 

Probably helps you’re not actually inside the bar. You’re tucked in the corner of the deck, leaning on the railing, and even though it’s crowded, you’ve barely noticed your surroundings. Every time you look at him, the rest of the world feels distant, like one of those perfect movie moments where the crowd parts and the hero and heroine walk toward each other in slow motion, meeting in a spotlight as everything else fades away. 

It’s just… those moments don’t happen, not in real life and certainly not to you. It’s never as simple as that: see — want — have. 

You can’t help but hope that this time might be different. 

Spencer’s smiling, and the way he looks at you with those big soft eyes makes you feel like you’re standing in a spotlight. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily. It’s just unusual, this jittery, excited, not-exactly-stage-fright thing happening in your chest. 

You have to remind yourself to breathe. 

The pause stretches a bit too long, and in an effort to fill the silence you blurt out, “What are you thinking about?” 

He hesitates, and his tongue slides along his lower lip, drawing your attention to his plush pink mouth as he says, “I was thinking—”

“Spence! There you are!” someone says loudly, and you’d be embarrassed by the way you jump, startled, if Spencer didn’t do the exact same thing. 

“Hey. Emily. Um… what’s up?” His voice cracks. He looks like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar; it’s flattering and oddly endearing. 

“We have a case.” The woman seems to be holding back a smile as she glances apologetically at you. “Meet you up front.” 

Spencer is visibly disappointed as he turns back to you. He gives you a helpless sort of shrug, and for a second, neither of you say anything. 

Your throat feels tight as your eyes lock on Spencer’s parted lips again. It’s been such a long time since you felt this drawn to a person; his closeness feels hypnotic. 

“I’d like to see you again,” he says shyly. “I — can you—” 

“Phone number?” you supply. His hands flutter and his eyebrows rise, like he forgot, for a second, that cell phones exist. Then he pats his pockets, pulls his out, and passes it to you. Once your number is saved, you give it back with a small smile. 

“I’ll probably be out of town for a few days, and then — maybe next weekend,” he says. 

“I’d really like that,” you admit, trying to make yourself take a step back. “This was — yeah. I’m glad I met you.” 

“Spencer!” someone says, from the door, and he waves them off without turning to look. 

“Earlier, when you asked—” He pauses, frowning, shifting his weight like he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. “I was thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.” 

His voice is soft and husky, and it cracks on the last word like maybe his throat is tight too. You feel hot all over. 

You never even shook hands; there’s been no physical contact whatsoever between the two of you, and now your head is spinning with the urge to reach out, to touch, to get closer... but it feels like you missed your opportunity for that — it doesn’t feel right, not when you know it’d be over much too quickly. You can tell Spencer feels it too. 

Once two magnets snap together, it’s a lot harder to separate them. 

“Rain check on that,” you say breathlessly, and he nods, raising one hand in an awkward wave as he steps back. 

-

This is Spencer, by the way. I’m really glad I met you.

The text comes in just an hour or so later, when you’re sitting in the cab on your way home, and you smile so wide it feels like your cheeks might split with it. 

-

The giddiness lasts until Tuesday morning, when you walk into the first session of your six-week-intensive graduate seminar and see Spencer at the white board, writing down page numbers for your reading assignment. 

Your eyes lock, and there’s another of those moments where you can’t see anything other than him. It’s not so pleasant this time, though. 

Spencer drops his pen, and you promptly forget how to walk, stumbling and spilling coffee down your front. You curse so loudly that the rest of the class turns to stare at you. 

To add insult to injury, the only open seat is directly across from Spencer’s. 

Fantastic. 

You spend the next hour and a half trying very hard to avoid eye contact, and for the most part, you’re successful. He doesn’t seem to want to look at you either. 

You do sneak one glance, though, and he’s just as pretty in the harsh fluorescent light of the classroom as he was in the golden glow of the bar lights. It seems really fucking unfair. 

If it were any other class, you would consider dropping it, but you were lucky to get a spot; this is big for your resume. It’s a special, one-time-only class, and your advisor had described the guest professor as “a genius, and one of the leading names in his field.” 

...fuck. 

Spencer dismisses the class. You start packing hurriedly, convinced he’s going to ask you to stay back, but you get out the door without incident. You’re already halfway down the hall when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. 

Can we talk? 

It’d be so easy to lie, say you have somewhere to be, put the rejection off for another day, but instead you take a deep breath and turn around. 

Spencer is sitting right where he was, except now he’s cross-legged in the chair, twirling a pen and frowning at it like it contains the mysteries of the entire universe. He gives you a twitchy attempt at a smile, eyes wide with worry. 

You move closer, sitting down next to him, trying to ignore those fucking fingers as he plays with the pen. This would be a whole lot easier if he would stop doing that, because it’s just like the bar — the same hot, fluttering sensation low in your belly, no matter how much you try to ignore it now. 

“I thought you worked for the FBI,” you mumble and he lets out a laugh that sounds more like a sigh. 

“I do,” he says ruefully. “I just — also teach, sometimes?” 

“Yeah. I got that.” 

His tongue does that slow swipe across his lower lip. You bite your own lip, trying not to stare, and Spencer drops the pen with a clatter. 

“Sorry,” he says, shoving both hands through his hair. “I’m so sorry if I — if this is — is this going to make you uncomfortable?” 

You frown, looking at him blankly for a second, because that was so not the reaction you expected. “Uncomfortable?” 

“Knowing that I — that I’m attracted to you? I’m aware of the power imbalance inherent in the situation and I promise I would never—” 

“Present tense?” you blurt out, and Spencer stops, blinking at you. 

“Well… yes. I thought that was obvious. I meant it, you know; I don’t just meet people like that,” he says, agitated. “It’s usually difficult for me to talk to strangers, and you’re — you’re just — yes. I’m attracted to you.” 

“I figured you would think I was immature, and — I mean, it’s such a fucking cliche,” you laugh, digging the heels of your hands into your eyes. “I usually try to avoid modeling my life on Van Halen songs.” He gives you a blank look and you add hastily, “Never mind. Point is, a student with a crush, throwing themselves at a professor? Seems like a recipe for embarrassment.” 

“Oh,” he says, as a smile spreads across his face. “So… maybe after the class is over, we could—” 

“Yeah?”  

Spencer is blushing. Jesus pogo-jumping Christ, you want to kiss him. 

“It’s just six weeks. We’ll keep it strictly professional — appropriate — for six weeks.” The words are quiet, all husky and promising, and you can’t tell whether it’s intentional or not, but something about that tone sounds very fucking inappropriate. “And then… we’ll take that rain check.” 

You nod and clear your throat. “You’re on.” 

SIx weeks, two classes a week, ninety minutes per class. Easy enough. 

-

It’s not easy. Not in the fucking slightest. 

Part of you wishes he could be a bad teacher, or something. If he was boring — if he had an obnoxious laugh — something. Instead, every goddamn minute spent in his classroom seems like another reason to fall for this guy. 

And yeah, sure, he’s pretty. You catch yourself staring, sometimes: his long lashes, the hint of gold in his eyes, the sharp angles of his jawline, the messy hair… and you’re not the only one. It seems like the entire class is crushing on him by the end of the second meeting, boys and girls alike, and maybe you would make fun of the Indiana Jones-style lash-fluttering that’s aimed his way if you weren’t guilty of doing the same thing yourself. 

Once word gets around that there’s a cute new professor in the criminology department, rumors start to fly left and right. You’ve heard other students talking about him, speculating about the apparently “way more badass than you’d think” Doctor Reid. You hear stories about how he got shot once — was kidnapped and tortured — overdosed on heroin — saved a train full of people by talking down a lunatic with a gun — hooked up with a movie star — went to jail for murder — you name it, every story more far-fetched than the last. 

Well, he did mention getting shot one time, but you’re pretty sure the rest are too absurd to be true. 

Either way, it’s not the looks or the legends that have you hopelessly head-over-heels. 

It’s the way he lights up when he gets started on a subject that interests him. It’s the joy in his expression when a student asks a good question, or when they draw the right conclusion; his smile is bright and brilliant every time. 

The first time one of those smiles is aimed in your direction, along with a half-shouted, “Correct!” and an excited wave of his pen, you’re just about blinded. It quickly becomes one of the driving goals of your day-to-day life: make Spencer smile. 

He’s beautiful, in those moments when he’s grinning and enthusiastic, but the quiet moments are even worse. 

Sometimes he stares as you work your way through a train of thought, eyes glinting as he fixes them on you with a breathtaking intensity and this fierce pride. Sometimes, his voice is firm and sharp, and sometimes when he says things like, “Yes, exactly like that,” it sounds so much dirtier than it should. 

Sometimes — sometimes — once or twice or a dozen times — you fantasize about that voice. You’re only human. 

You never realized there was such a thing as a “praise kink,” but… yeah. That about sums it up. 

At first you worry that he’ll lose interest: that you’ll say something stupid or he’ll find someone else, because in your experience with men, they don’t wait around for six hours, let alone six weeks, once they’ve realized they can’t immediately have what they want. Instead, it only gets worse as the weeks pass. 

It’s nothing obvious, nothing that could be labeled as inappropriate — you still haven’t touched Spencer, not so much as an accidental brush of his hand against yours when he passes back a graded essay. It’s just that his gaze lingers, whenever he looks in your direction, just a moment longer than it would on anyone else. Every time your eyes meet, you have a hard time remembering that the rest of the world exists. It might as well just be the two of you. There’s this heat between you, this crackling electricity, like touching a live wire every single time, like you can’t pull yourself away to break the current. 

It’s the longest six weeks of your life. 

-

“That’s our time,” Spencer says, glancing at his watch. “I’ll get your essays marked and returned to you before break, and on Sunday evening, I’ll submit your final grades, at which point—” His eyes flick to you, and you bite your lip. “— my responsibilities as your professor are complete. It’s been a pleasure.” 

-

“Hi,” Spencer says, without preamble, when you pick up the phone on Saturday evening. “This is — um. This is Spencer?” 

You roll your eyes, but you’re grinning so hard you can barely say, “Yeah, I know.” 

“Right. Um… where are you?”

“Just dropped off a few library books.” 

“I got grades done a little early,” he says hesitantly. “Do you want to… meet me at my office, maybe? We could go out for dinner?” 

You’ve never been there before, but you know where it is. Open office hours with Spencer always seemed like a disaster waiting to happen, because your self-control only goes so far.

“Sounds good,” you say, voice strained, heart racing. “Be there soon.” 

You walk fast. 

The building is mostly deserted, at this hour, and as you walk quickly down the hall, the catch and release of breath in your lungs seems too loud for your quiet surroundings. 

You might be panicking a little bit. There’s still a part of you that’s just waiting for him to change his mind, to realize how dorky and awkward you are, to find someone more polished or accomplished or… something — fuck, this seems to good to be true. 

Spencer has one of the old, cramped temporary offices used by visiting professors, and even though he’s only been here for a month and a half, he’s amassed quite a collection of books in the small space. When you step through the open door, he’s got his sleeves rolled up as he places a couple books gently in a box. He runs his hands through his hair with a sigh, making it even more hopelessly touseled. 

“Hey,” you say, and he turns around, wide-eyed and nervous for a moment before a smile — one of the brilliant too-bright ones you’ve become so fond of — transforms his face. 

“Hi! Um, I’ll come back tomorrow to finish cleaning, I was just — we could go out, I don’t have to — dinner? Are you hungry?” He picks up a pen from the cluttered desk, twirling it like he just really needs something to do with his hands; he seems just as anxious as you feel. It’s comforting, for some reason. At least you’re both awkward dorks. 

“Not hungry,” you say shyly. You close the door, slow and deliberate. 

Spencer’s eyes widen and then go dark, all heavy-lidded and heated. 

He drops the pen, closes the distance between you in two long strides, and cups your face in his hands before kissing you, deep and urgent, dizzyingly perfect. It’s desperate, after all this time, all that pent-up longing and suppressed electricity surging through you all at once, making you gasp at the sharp incredible sting of his teeth nipping your lower lip. 

It’s one hundred percent worth the wait. 

You’re both breathless when he breaks the kiss, but you sway closer anyway, trying to follow his mouth, and blink like you’re coming out of a trance. His lips are red and swollen. 

“Rain check on dinner?” he asks. His voice is suggestive and smoky — there’s nothing appropriate about it. 

When you nod, he just reaches behind you and locks the door. 

.

.

Smutty bit is now here!

.

More CM fic here! 

[gunpowderdtim]

Talk to me about narratomancy? Just whatever you want to talk about it I'm deathly interested

!!!! Today today i had so many Thoughts. To many. It almost rivals March 2020 thoughts

So

My current running names for the four pillars of Narratomancy are as follows:

Universal Story

Narrative Role Filling/Casting Call

Story Echoes

Narrative Flow/Narrative Imperative

Each of these refer to VERY different things within the concept of Narratomancy. I will do my best to describe them. I have coined every term here but narratomancy, to which I believe the honor falls to @lucky-sevens

Keep in mind this is 50% theory, 20% headcanon, 30% canon, and that you do not have to agree with me.

Universal Story

Universal Story refers to the story of the universe, not stories in the universe, the story of the universe. In other words, the story of ‘Dr. Carmilla & The Mechanisms’

This section of Narratomancy is a tad more meta than the others, as it does in some form rely on real-world events to define it, as well as having little to no in story inpact on anything. Maki created the mechanisms universe, clear and simple. She founded the band, and hashed out the earliest lore. Dr. Carmilla is the main character of the universe, not of all the stories, but of the universe. Essentially, Universal Story refers to the fact that Doc C is the main character of the universe, and that the mechanisms are her side characters, in the story of the universe. I have taken to viewing it as doc carmilla stuff is the story of the universe, and the mechanisms is a spin off of that. Both are just as canon, but not specifically canon to eachother. Regardless, the universes story is Carmilla, from starting on Terra, to Aurora, through Loreli, into creating The Mechansims, all of that. All of that is the story of The Universe. The Mechanisms backstories are included in this, of course, because they are part of Carmilla's tale, not the other way around. Through this, I conclude that The Mechanisms are a spin off, focusing on the mechs rather than Carmilla. After all, The Mechansisms are a vessel for telling stories, for fleshing out the universe.

Narrative Role Filling/Casting Call

This refers to the mechs penchant for falling into narrative roles similar to troupes that they represent, or basically acting as a crutch for a story to continue. In OUATIS, Jonny acts as The Prince figure in sleeping beauty. He saves Briar. In being The Prince, he allows Snow's forces to attack cole, and win the war. Without that whole escapade, its likely the war would have stretched on years longer, and not have ended as it did.

Or, Ashes as Hades. What do mythological Hades and Ashes have in common? Hades was eaten by his father, Kronos, because there was a prophesy that told Kronos that his children would usurp him as king of the titans. Ashes figured out Mickey was the snitch, Mickey realized beforehand and lead Ashes into a trap. Killing them because he knew that they could ruin him. Basically, a parental figure betrays the child figure due to them knowing the child could ruin/destroy their position of power. As well as, if Ashes were not Hades, the Suits would not have met, and because of that the story of Ulysses Dies At Dawn would not have happened.

Continuing, while I am not nearly as much of an Arthurian legend person as I am a greek mythology person, some quick google searches revealed a similar similarity between Merlin and Brian. Basically, Merlin and the lady of the lake. She was basically his apprentice/a lady he was in love with? She basically betrayed and killed him after learning all out magic from him. Brian brought a priest back to life, only to have the priest betray and kill him. The tying together point here is clearly the "someone you helped betrays and kills you." That or, the fact they are both magical. Beyond this, If Brian were not on Fort Galfridian, Galahad would never have sought out the grail, and the entire plot would not have occurred.

In The Bifrost Incident, the Mechanisms do not take narrative roles in the way they did in prior albums. But this does not exclude them from being vital points in the story, after all, if Ivy were not present Lyf would not have been able to recover the data on the Black Box)

In all of these situations, (barring Jonny as The Prince) the Mechanisms have had some sort of connection point in the Roles they assume, as well as in their roles, changing the story so that it can continue to the ending presented in the albums.

Story Echoes

Story echoes are, to be blatant, simply canon. No argument, no theorizing, just canon. Refers to the fact that in the mechanism's universe stories 'echo' or basically repeat. In Kofi's fiction for HNOC, its shown rather blatantly that there are more Arthurs in this universe than just the one in hnoc.

In those burning instants, he’d feel the weight of it all, and know it was true. The golden age that never came; the city that stood at the dawn of a world instead of in its dying embers. And beyond – to a myriad of Camelots and a thousand thousand Arthurs, unfathomable worlds apart, each different, each fighting the same hopeless battle.

I know there are other examples of this, but they do escape me right now.

Lastly,

Narrative Flow/Narrative Imperative

This one is also directly canon. On the mechanisms blog, this post defines it rather well.

In the ask, the asker asks "...Do you heal injuries at an abnormal rate, or can you not be injured?"

In the reply, it is stated.

It depends on the narrative imperative - sometimes a Mechanism might die for a while, and only come back later when it becomes more fun, other times they’ll just heal/ignore wounds as they take them. It’s not something they can control, but tends to follow a rough logic of whatever works best for the story.

This is just canon, no arguing or stating otherwise. A mechanisms ability to heal depends entirely on what's best for the story.

Other examples in canon where this comes into play would be as follows:

GPTVTMK. In gptvtmk, Jonny's severed head is there. Is talks. It moves. In one of the fictions, it's stated Jonny cannot separate his heart from his body. Therefore, these are contradictory. Under normal circumstances, this would be a plothole. It is not here. Under narratomancy, Jonny was capable of being a severed head due to the fact that that would be best for the story.

OUATIS. Jonny walks through rounds and rounds of bullets.

HNOC. This example is a bit different from the rest, as it is not about a Mechanism. Galahad does something pretty fucking impossible.

And so Galahad stood and walked into the corridor. The guns trained on the preacher and opened fire. 

Say what you want about faith, but it can have powerful effects on those that have it. It can keep you from faltering as the bullets start to slam into you. It can keep you walking as your legs are shot to bloody stumps. It can keep you laughing as your lungs are filled with shrapnel and lead. It can keep you smiling as half your face is blown away. It can keep a man like Galahad standing tall until the guns clicked dry.

It is my belief that this is another example of narrative imperative. Under normal rules, Galahad could never have done this. But his faith, his beleif, kept him going. And that was good for the story.

So. That wraps up my narratomancy ramble for today. hope yall enjoyed.

*EDIT: Nastya does say it's nanobots. My opinion is: it's both. The nanobots are narrative driven <3

[visit-ba-sing-se]

hey it is me again rewriting a scene from the comics with no compliance to canon nor context just because it was on my dash and bothered me 

“You know it wasn’t, Zuzu.” The words came out before Azula had thought them through, and she directly scolded herself for that. Sure, the current situation was bad, but she liked to believe that she had been in way greater danger before. And in those moments, her brain had usually worked pretty well. Which was the reason why she was even still alive now to be stuck in this mess. Of course, she had to admit, a few times it hadn’t. Which was again the reason behind the mess. “What?”  At least she had managed to catch her brother surprise. His grip loosened a bit, and the anger in his eyes faded a little to make room for confusion, which turned into disbelief and then again quickly into scepticism. After everything, his face was still like an open book, and she could see him shifting through the different pages as he tried figure out her intentions.

“Like this. Between us.” Azula shrugged, as much as that was possible in her current position. “You know. me trying to kill you…you locking me up..me trying to kill you again…you holding me over a cliff…” 

Azula did her best to sound casual as she spoke. As if she was telling a funny remark, not recounting the shambles the relationship between her an Zuko had fallen into, each one a sharp dagger of its own. But she herself could hear how much her voice sounded like it was about to crack. And a part of her did not even mind. That part that was just so tired of keeping her act up, again and again, everyday and at all times. She had played it so well. Had done so much to keep to keep everything, but first and foremost herself in control. And where had that even gotten her? On the edge of a cliff, from which her brother would may or may not throw her to death. So, if there had ever been a moment to put her cards on the table, wasn’t it now? 

“Azula, I have no idea what you are getting at.” 

The anger had returned onto her bothers face, and Azula did not know what was worse: the fact that she actually wondered if he would have it in himself to kill her, or how little she cared about the answer.

“And to be honest am really not in the mood for one of your mind games right now.”

She could not help but laugh. It wasn’t real laughter. Too bitter and too dry.  Not like she really remembered what her real laughter even sounded like.  Of course, that was what he thought. That she was still scheming, with her feet in the air and the abyss below. And had that not been the picture she had always tried so hard to convey? Why was she mad at him for buying exactly the show she was selling? Because he does not even try to look behind the curtains, a voice in her head whispered the answer. Zuko opened his mouth to say something else, but she interrupted him before that.

“I am not playing anything. I am just answering your question. Truthfully.” She emphasised the last word. Not for him, but more for herself. It was about time she did that. “You know we were different when we were kids. How we used to play together. How we snuck in the kitchen to steal food.How you taught me the first bending moves. How we warned each other when dad was in a bad mood. That was not us against each other. That was us against the rest.” She paused, to give her words the room and weight they deserved to have. “You cannot tell me you do not remember what tricks we used to play on the staff. Or what stories you used to tell me about the dragons when I had snuck into your room at night. Or what you swore me when Lu Ten went to war.” 

Her brothers reaction reaction told Azula that he did, just as well as her. Even though that night had been so long ago, and at least to her felt like it had happened in another universe. 

The day that their older cousins, who had kind of been like a second bigger brother to her, had announced that he would leave to conquer Ba Sing Se. Of course the adults had tried to play it down, but Azula had not fallen for their tales. She knew what war was. Or least, she had thought so. At. least she had already understood that sometimes people went there and did not return. And that now one of those people would be Lu Ten. 

She had refused to join the family during meals and even missed her lessons, for the only time in her life. All she had done was sit at a turtle duck pond and stare into the water, which no amount of yelling nor nice words from either parent had been able to change. Azula did not remember what excactly she had been thinking back then, except for the she sworn herself to never talk to any of them ever again. Which had worked quite well. Until Zuko had shown up to sit next to her and put a hand around her shoulder.

“Hey, don’t be so sad, Azula,” he had said, obviously trying to sound more cheerful than her really felt. “Lu Ten surely will come back soon and well.”

Azula did not know why, but after that her tears has just started to flow.

“Zuzu, he is abandoning me. Abandoning us.” She had sniffed, hiding her face between her hands. “How can he just do that? I thought he was our friend.”

“Because he had to fight in the war. Like our uncle. It’s important for our nation. And his duty.”

“Stupid duty!” Today, her own reaction seemed hilarious to Azula. But she knew that she had meant each word she had said, the way only a child can mean them. “I think if you really care for someone, you do not just leave them behind. Not for any duty.”

“Well, I know that I would never abandon you.” Her brother had responded, he too as convinced of his words as only a child could be . “Not for anything in the world.”

“Promise?” she had asked.

“Promise” he had said, and they had shaken hands dramatically, while looking each other deep in eyes. As if they had just sealed a very important and serious deal.

Now, Azula was staring at those exact same and yet so different eyes again. Still the same shade of gold, but one of them now scared.

In them, she saw understanding. And then a very, very deep regret. A regret not limited to the events of today, but that seemed to span over all of their lost days. She recognized it not only because it was so obviously written on his face, but because she felt it too. When her brother carefully put her down on her feet again, its weight on her shoulder nearly made her legs give in. 

“How only did we end up here?” Zuko asked finally, shaking his head. There was no more accusation in his voice. Just sadness and disbelieve. Azula wanted to reach out to him. As close as they were standing, it would have been easy to put her arm on his. But at the same time, he seemed to be so far away, and the divide that had built between them over years just felt uncrossable. 

When had it started? She wondered. When had she started seeing Zuko as friend and brother and more like an opponent? Like a rival for her parents approval? Had it been when her training had gotten more serious? Or when her father mood swings had gotten worse? Azula could not remember. What she remembered was how there suddenly had been this fear. This fear to fail and disappoint, that had come and chased every other motion away. That had numbed her feelings for anyone and anything else, except for this one need. This one need to be perfect. To be the best. 

“You know”, her brother continued after a moment, while Azula was still deep in her thoughts,  “I usually tell myself that this is what we were destined for. That we just were made to stand on opposing sides and fight. But-“ his voice cracked, and took a while until he continued talking. “But that’s not true. That’s just what they taught us. What he taught us. He just was so good at it.” 

She truly wanted to believe that he was right. But she had just reached another conclusion before. One that she hated to have had, and one that she even more hated to share. But she had wanted the truth in first place. So now there was no turning back.

“No. It was me. I ruined it. I was so obsessed with making father proud and…..I”,

 Azula forced herself to continue speaking even though she felt like she was choking on her words, “I sacrificed you for that. I…I sacrificed us.” She felt hot, burning tears on her cheeks, but she did not care enough to even swipe them away. What were a few tears for so much that was lost? 

“And now it’s all ruined. I….I`m sorry.”

“Azula…no”, she saw her brother reaching our his hand. Slowly and hesitant, as if he was afraid she would back away. But she did not, and so he put it down on her shoulder. “Azula, you were child. We both were. And I am sure there were times I could have been a better brother, but I was not. Like back then. But also today. And for those I am sorry, too.” 

There were tears in his eyes as well, Azula noticed, just like the slight crack in his voice. And she knew that he meant everything he said.

“And of course I am sorry for the years we lost, and I wish we could turn back time and make things different. But-,” Zuko paused, and Azula could tell that he was carefully considering each word, “we still can have so many years ahead. Maybe we can try to make this right. Maybe we can at least take our future back from them”

He brother looked at her, a glimmer of hope in his eyes, but also nervously twitching his free hand. 

Azula knew that he was excepting an answer to his proposal. She also it would be difficult, and that it might not even work. She also knew that there had been a time where her answer would have been a clear no. No risk. No trust. No dependency. That had been her default, and part of her strategy to success. And also how she had lost everyone that had ever mattered to her. But now, more than anything, she just wanted her brother back.

“You really think we could?”, she said therefore, “because I really do want these years.

“Yes I do”, Zuko smiled through his tears. “After all, I have a promise to keep.”

And then, after what had felt like an eternity, Azula hugged her bother again. (submit another scene if you enjoyed this?)

[angelhotchner]

The Glory Of Sunshine - Chapter Eleven

hey, so quick update: I'm aiming for this fic to hit around 100k words, so far it's just past 20k. I want this to be a real slow burning build of a fic, but I don't want to write chapters with nothing happening in them - please let me know if it moves too fast or if you want anything addressing within the following chapters! also, thank you all so much for the likes, kudos, comments, rbs, everything - it means the world <3

A03.

Story Masterlist

You’ve never been one to want to be fixed. You’d rather try and fix other people, protect them and nourish them back to who they’ve always wanted to be. Their caretaker. Two thousand miles away from home in a new city, with a new job, and seven new faces to decode and decipher, your attention seems to be slowly wrapping up with one of them. Are you falling in love, Y/N?

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader Additional Tags: Very slow burn, Pining Contains: Adult Language, Fluff, Smut, Heartbreak CM Timeline: AU begins after Haley and Hotch’s divorce. Some cases within this story are not canon. WC: 2.3K

Chapter Eleven

You had time to call home before you were supposed to be meeting everyone at Billy’s bar. You stared at the clothes in your closet until they were just blurs of fabric, your mind racing into overdrive.

“Pen, help me,” You started a snapchat video, going through some possible outfits and sending it to Penelope. Your phone dinged a minute later.

‘The jeans and the halter top!!’

Penelope was right, of course, as you slipped the clothes over your body and stared in the mirror at the way they hung over you, showing off your figure comfortably. You fixed your hair and rushed out of the door, grabbing a leather jacket on the way out.

Billy’s was busy when you arrived. Everyone was already inside, and you made your way over to the booth they’d claimed with a big smile on your face. The team welcomed you, and you could have sworn that Hotch’s eyes lingered over your chest just a little too long to be a glance, but you ignored that familiar knotting feeling as you sat down next to Emily. You gave her a warm smile as she handed you a drink.

“Not that I’m complaining,” Morgan took a gulp of his drink. “But why are we out tonight?”

“Call it team bonding,” Emily winked, and you giggled as discreetly as you could. You all lifted your glasses for a cheer, clinking them in the middle of the table until you felt a hand on your shoulder.

Hotch couldn’t drag his eyes away from you. He had no idea why the feeling was coming on so much stronger than it had before - maybe it was the jacking off every night - but he couldn’t peel his gaze from your chest, your lips, your eyes. Every part of you, his eyes has wandered over it. Then a storm crashed straight over his head as he spotted Jamie appearing behind you.

His brain told him to get up and walk out, but he was trapped in the booth. He smiled through gritted teeth.

“Jamie!” You smiled, standing up to give the man a huge hug. Alec walked over from the bar and you enveloped him in a hug too, trying to keep your breathing under control. Here it was - the truth was about to stare Aaron Hotchner directly in the face. It was too late to run now.

“Hi everyone,” Jamie smiled at the team, before grabbing Alec’s hand. “This is my boyfriend Alec! Alec, this is the BAU team from the FBI,”

“Ah! You all work with Y/N! It’s great to meet you!”

Hotch’s mouth turned dry like sandpaper.

Alec. Boyfriend. Jamie’s boyfriend.

“That’s so cute!” Penelope smiled at them both. She shot you a glance before settling her eyes back onto Jamie. “How long have you two been together?”

“Four years,” Jamie grinned, and Alec kissed his cheek giddily.

You focused your eyes anywhere other than in Hotch’s direction.

Hotch could feel his jaw go slack. His eyes were wide.

Boyfriend. Four years.

You hadn’t dated him at all.

Wyoming.

Alec and Jamie squeezed around the table with the team, and they spent half an hour being their usual bubbly, comedic selves - telling the team stories of their lives with full theatrics, which brought giggles and chuckles to life until Morgan did a spit-take, soaking the side of your face with beer as he gasped for breath in between laughter.

“Oh. My. God,” You burst out, standing up. The beer dripped down your cheeks as you laughed, excusing yourself to the bathroom. Hotch was watching you from the bar as he waited to order a round, and decided to forget his turn as he snuck off into the crowd, following you.

A hand clasped your wrist just as you were about to enter the bathroom, and you spun around to find Hotch standing unusually close to you, his breath warm on your face as he towered over you.

“You didn’t tell me,” He muttered softly.

“I know,”

“I thought th--for two years I--” He cut himself off, the words unable to form a coherent sentence as he realised how close he was to you.

His mind wandered back to the night in Wyoming - the way you kissed him and held his jaw so tenderly, the way your lips moulded against his like you were made just for him. He could have had that. He could have had that all night.

You were thinking the same thing and you could swear that he could hear your heartbeat, smashing and banging out of your chest. The way he kissed you, the few seconds of pleasure before he pushed you away - you could have had that all night.

Both of you seemed to be thinking the exact same thing as the distance between you began to close slowly - inevitably, you’d hoped - but you both stopped mere centimeters away from touch, realising the same thing.

It couldn’t happen now.

“Shit,” You whispered, taking a step back and glancing down to the floor.

“I’m an idiot,” He sighed, taking a step back too and rubbing his eyes. He looked at you with a pained expression, and you imagined that your face mirrored his.

“I guess we draw a line under this now,” You bit your lip, and the simple action clouded Hotch’s judgement for a moment as his eyes darkened. He stepped forward again, holding the side of your neck tightly as his eyes searched yours before flicking down to your lips as he leaned in, feeling your shallow breaths huff against his mouth.

The group of drunk women pushing past you into the bathroom caught your attention and your face turned away slightly, breaking the entire moment. Hotch dropped his hand away from your skin and turned his back, walking back over to the bar. You rushed into the bathroom to dry off your face.

When Hotch went home that night, he could have kicked himself as he replayed the night over and over again in his mind. He didn’t even jack off like usual, how could he? All he could think about was how he’d jumped to a conclusion in Wyoming, and he’d moved on since without gaining any closure on what happened. Well...he was trying to convince himself that he’d moved on since.

His throat felt tight with guilt as the look on your face followed him when he closed his eyes - the look that you had when he told you that he regretted kissing you the morning after the fallout in the hotel room. He only regretted it because he didn’t want another man to be hurt by his actions, but that wasn’t even a possibility. Now, he only regretted shoving you away from him. That kiss? He wanted it again and again.

“Stupid,” He grunted to himself as he thought about Jamie and Alec, and how the way you’d been acting since the fallout was beginning to make sense. He’d guessed that you were the type to build a barrier when you felt betrayed, and his irrationality in Wyoming had caused a rift between you and the team, not just you and him.

Before he managed to fall asleep, he had a moment of clarity as he thought about New Years Eve - when he saw your sunshine again, even though his girlfriend was standing right in front of him. You could distance yourself all you wanted, but he would always see that light around you. No matter what.

--

The next morning, you woke up to find Emily snoring away on your couch, and you snapped a picture, grinning. You started the coffee machine and she woke up with a grunt, rubbing her eyes as she adjusted back to the realm of the living.

“Morning,” You chirped, only to be met with a pained scowl. Man, she really hated mornings.

“What happened with you and Hotch last night?” She asked, her voice croaking as she stood up to collect the hot coffee that you’d made for her.

“Nothing,” You shook your head, and Emily’s eyes narrowed at you over her mug.

“Come on, Y/N. You both disappeared after Morgan spat his drink on you,”

“Nothing happened, Em. Seriously. He couldn’t really say anything to me, but we just agreed to draw a line under everything,”

Emily’s eyes narrowed further.

“You’re leaving something out,”

“Nope,” You said, popping the ‘p’.

“You are. That’s your tell!”

“I do not have a tell,”

“We’re profilers. You have a tell, and that was it,”

“I say nope like that all the time!”

“Y/N,”

“Urgh, stop,”

“Y/N…”

“Shut up,” You grumbled, but Emily’s shit-eating grin infected you and you cast a smirk as you sipped on your drink. “I think he tried to kiss me,”

“What?!”

“Twice,”

“But…”

“Beth. I know,”

“He’s been with her for almost a year now,”

“I know, Em,”

Emily was silent as she drank her coffee, and your apartment stayed quiet until you’d both drained your coffee.

“Well. The ball is in his court, now,” Emily sighed, and you nodded. A moment passed before she curled her lip. “But let’s not tell Penelope about that part,”

“Agreed,” You nodded. “She has far too many plans for things like this,”

“She loves it,” Emily chuckled. “This is the first time that there’s been some kind of fraternizing drama since Rossi’s dating days,”

“Em! We’re not fraternizing,”

“Not yet,” She winked, and you shook your head, albeit with a smile, as you left her alone in the kitchen to take a shower.

Emily stayed at your place until around six p.m. Before she left, she held your hand gently.

“Can I ask you something?” She said, her face sympathetic and kind as she waited for your reaction.

“Sure,”

“Why didn’t you actually tell him that you weren’t dating Jamie?”

“I don’t even know anymore,” You sighed. “I didn’t really get a chance to in the hotel room, it was just such a switch of emotion,”

Emily nodded, watching you intently.

“...and then, the next morning...he said that he regretted kissing me. I just thought, like, what’s the point in telling him now? He already regrets it. It’ll make no difference. Then I thought about how he’d feel if I told him that he’d got it all wrong, and it was so stupid, but I didn’t want him to feel ashamed. You know? I didn’t want him to feel bad,”

“Everyone feels ashamed sometimes,”

“I know. I just wish I could stop it,”

“Why?”

The simple question caught you off-guard, and you stared at her open-mouthed, trying to find an answer.

“Why do you always want to fix everyone?” Emily pushed. You took a deep breath.

“I guess no-one fixed me. My mom, she...she wasn’t great. She was, for a while, but then--” You paused to try and push back the tears that had started to brim in your eyes. “But then she wasn’t, and I had to grow up quickly. Then when she died, my innocence died with her. I couldn’t fix her, and no one could fix me...so I try and fix everyone else,”

Emily nodded, and she gave you a warm hug as she allowed the conversation to end there.

---

Over the next month, things had really fallen back into place. Your relationships with the team had begun to form back into their concrete bonds. Spencer was the most difficult to bring round. His trust in you had chipped away slightly from your distance. You tried to bring the Wednesday night bonding sessions with him back into both of your schedules, and on the first Wednesday, you ended up spilling the entire story of Wyoming and Hotch. He listened intently, and didn’t pass any comment on the situation, but he offered you a small smile as you explained why your barriers came up. He understood, just as you’d known that he would - afterall, he did the same thing sometimes.

The following Wednesday, he took you to a bookstore that you’d never heard about and you spent three hours there, curled up in the reading corner, arguing about philosophy. Afterwards, you insisted on getting Thai take-out, and ended up staying the night at his place as you both sat on the couch, munching on the food and talking about anything and everything.

Spencer wasn’t much of a talker, but he’d always found comfort in you and enjoyed talking about random, niche subjects with someone who wanted to understand and learn from him. At the same time, he didn’t know everything, and he enjoyed hearing you talk about things in life that he hadn’t quite figured out yet.

You were extremely surprised to hear Hotch’s voice in your ear at 7am on the first Saturday of February.

When your phone rang, your mind settled straight into ‘agent mode’ as you answered it with sleep still in your eyes.

“Y/L/N,” You croaked.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

You coughed as you sat upright in bed, feeling like a giddy teenager. You cursed mentally at yourself as you shook your head, before realising that he couldn’t see you through a phone call.

“No, it’s okay. What’s wrong? Is there a case?”

“No, no, there’s no case,”

“Oh,” You said, surprised. The phone went silent for a moment and so did you.

“Do you want to go for a run?” He asked, somewhat meekly, and your eyes felt like they were bulging out of their sockets.

“...yeah,” was all you could get out, and you quickly ended the call as you raced to find your exercise gear, knocking over several ornaments in your bedroom and nearly head-butting the bathroom door.

“It’s fine,” Hotch convinced himself in the mirror. “She’s just one of the team, just a friend. It’s fine,”

Was it really fine to feel butterflies at his age over going for a run with a woman whilst he was seriously dating someone else?

------

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[blueink2k]

Propaganda in Death Note and How It Played Into Light’s God Complex

[This is based on information from the anime, as I have yet to read the manga for myself. Caps from or references to the manga may be included to emphasize points or provide visuals, but the version of the plot I'm referring to is taken from the anime.]

Light Yagami does not pick up the Death Note knowing he’s going to use it to commit mass murder and become the God of his New World.

Actually, he does the opposite. He kills someone to test it as he’s under the impression it isn’t real, convinces himself it was a freak coincidence, and decides to try it out in a way that will provide a more concrete conclusion. When it does end up working he’s stunned, to say the least.

“I killed them both...I killed two men. Those were human lives. I-It won’t be overlooked. Besides, who am I to pass judgment on others?”

Light Yagami, the perfect, straight-A, model student, has just confirmed he killed two people using some strange supernatural notebook that just happened to fall into his hands. He’s always believed strongly in his morals. He’s been on course his whole life to join the police force like his father an deliver justice, and here he is, an indirect murderer. 

So what does he do about it?

...He comes up with a reason to justify himself. 

The people he killed were criminals. Mere scum who do nothing but rot and infect the world. Wouldn’t everyone be better off without them? It isn’t that he’s never considered this before, he has, albeit not to the same degree as taking their deaths into his own hands. But now that he has the power to do so, why shouldn’t he? He’s smart, he’s determined. He’s capable of it.

In fact, in his mind, he’s the only one who is.

He’s kind of right. He’s the top of his class, he comes out on top in national tests, he barely even has to try. Plus, he’s the only one that has a Death Note, and therefore the power to do this. 

At this point in time, he doesn’t consider himself a god. He doesn’t want to rule the world, he just wants to change it. Something else important to note is that he doesn’t refer to himself as Kira or anything other than Light. 

...That is, until...

Websites start popping up all over claiming that whoever this mass murderer is is named “Kira”, a god among men risen to punish criminals and save the world.

Two things to note here;

Apparently, “Kira” is returning, meaning there must have been some kind of previous belief in an entity that either did something similar to Light or had the same beliefs. There isn’t any other canon mention of a previous Kira, and this in and of itself is pretty vague, but given that there’s tons of religions in real life that have never had a big breakthrough, it’s reasonable to believe this could be something similar. That, or a creepypasta. Or a cult.

Light created this understanding that he had to be the one to change the world to cope with his murders. Actually - that might be the worst way to put it, since we know how strongly he feels about justice and being given an outlet to carry out this wish of world peace just enhanced this, but nonetheless... It’s impossible to assume he’s doing all of this without even a speck of guilt. Therefore, this is the first hint of appreciation or even just acknowledgement that what he’s doing is right. 

Disregarding the first point (as interesting as I find it), this is really the first time Light is ever told what he’s doing is good. His own father - who he idolizes -considers Kira evil. His sister flat out says she hates him. Of course, this is all after Kira actually does become popular, but still, all he receives from that point on is disapproval from the people he cares the most about. The online love for Kira is all he has.

So, yeah, he probably internalizes it.

He thinks he’s doing the right thing. He thinks he’s giving others justice. He thinks he’s the only one who can do this. Others agreeing is only enhancing this. They’re the ones who call him God.

As the story progresses, Kira’s power and popularity grows. He gains direct news coverage, people begin sending him names of people to kill, his following grows. So much so, that when someone gets a Death Note and figures out that must be what he’s using, their immediate response is to find a way to contact him.

Cue Misa Amane and Sakura TV.

Sakura TV is a news program known for its unreliability. Demegawa, the director, even says he’s willing to make things up for publicity. And that’s when the Second Kira tapes arrive. 

This, however, is only the first encounter with Sakura TV.

After this, the only direct involvement the police has with it is in the Yotsuba arc, when it’s used to lure out Higuchi. Otherwise the program promotes Kira all on its own, even going so far as to create Kira’s Kingdom - half a scam for viewers’ money, half a way to get more people to see Kira as God. And it works. He gains a following of people who believe he will create a new, better world, and will even give themselves up to help him. 

An example of this following is when a mob of followers attacks the SPK under Kira’s orders. They’re so quick to join in, and are even willing to put their names and faces on TV in trust that Kira will not kill them.

All of this publicity sparks fear in the general public. People begin fearing that if they do something wrong Kira will kill them, causing crime rates to drop nearly 70% over Kira’s 6 year reign, as well as completely stopping wars.

Demegawa is eventually killed. Other news programs begin scrambling to claim the voice of Kira, topped by NHN, where we are reintroduced to Kiyomi Takada as Kira’s spokeswoman as well as one of his greatest supporters.

Light, as much as he hates Sakura TV and NHN’s depictions of Kira, uses them to his advantage as much as he can.

But really, imagine what this is all doing to him.

At the beginning, he struggled with grasping what he was doing as right. His sense of justice, righteousness, and perfectness shattered by a single notebook. But this is perfect, he figures that if he really wants to fix the world, this is one surefire way to do it. And yeah, his family hates Kira, but online he’s worshiped as God. We already know he has a pretty decent ego, and all of this is doing nothing but fueling it.

To top it all off, as he continues with his killings, his following grows. More and more people begin to support him, every single day there’s news stations upon news stations covering his story, some negative, some positive. People from all over express admiration towards him, even the President of the United States sides with him. He is literally worshiped as Kira, as God.

This all makes it sounds like his god complex starts later in the series, so to clarify; no, he does not pick up the book with plans to become God, but the second people start fueling his ego, the more twisted his ideals and motivations become. He’s the only one who can fix this rotten world. He holds the power of a god in his hands, he does what only a god can do, and everyone treats him accordingly. He is Kira, he is God.

Between websites, news programs, and his cult-like following, Light had enough attention to feed into his ego for a lifetime. He was perfect pre-Death Note. Smart, charming, set for success. There never was a time where he was particularly not narcissistic, it was just that he only felt this way inside of himself. The way he presented to others? A perfect, cool guy persona with an - in all honesty - annoying prickly jerk hiding inside. But no one ever knew this, he never let them know, and because he was always naturally successful it was more of an expectation he just met rather than surpassed, so he wasn’t consistently praised and this incredible self-esteem wasn’t propped up by anyone but himself.

To cycle back to the title of this rant-essay-analysis-whatever you’d like to call it, I want to share some examples about exactly why I even classify this news coverage and whatnot of Kira as propaganda.

Kira’s supporters cause a riot at SPK HQ under Kira’s orders and Demegawa’s direction.

Mikami providing his insight as to why he supports Kira on television, openly promoting Kira and encouraging others to join him.

Takada announces her new role as Kira’s spokesperson on NHN.

Mikami uses his power as Kira to kill members of Kira’s Kingdom, supposed followers of Kira who have been using his publicity to gain money and attention.

Most of this doesn’t exactly look like your standard propaganda posters or news story, but it does fit the overall criteria;

Information from a biased viewpoint used to promote/publicize a certain view (accepting Kira as God)

Shows exclusively positive views on Kira

Assigns Kira positive adjectives and makes him appear as good (God, savior, messenger from Hell), never considering or showing the bad

Presenting only positive statistics (Light does this in his monologue where he brings up the 70% crime rate drop, and given there’s no way he could have calculated this on his own he likely got it from one of these media sources. Not that it’s incorrect, per se, but he does fail to mention how many innocent people he’s killed in order to do this.)

Appeals to regular, everyday people by talking about how he’s doing this for the betterment of the whole world. People who are directly affected by crime are also likely positively impacted by this.

Initiates and spreads fear by explaining how Kira only attacks those who do wrong.

In the end, Light’s personal descent into his god complex, as well as his effects on the world can be attributed to many things, but it would be a crime to ignore just how big of a role news and other types of media played in this without his direct input. To think, if Light had won and overtaken the police like he was going to, he’d have absolutely no problem stepping into his shoes as God. Everyone else already set the stage, he just had to get there first.

-

This is my first Death Note analysis, so please excuse any errors, I just watched the anime for the first time and am doing my best to piece together all of the plot and especially Light’s deep characterization the best I can. If I ever read the manga or find something new, chances are this will be updated. But as for now, it’s finally finished after a week or so of procrastinating. Thank you for reading if you got this far! <3

[itsclydebitches]

so ironwood was confirmed to be dead by Miles in a $42 cameo session, where the person who bought it had asked for "comforting words to soothe our anguished souls" bc she was an ironwood fan and wanted a pick-me-up after that devastating finale. miles' response was to essentially mock his fans (it really sounded like that, especially since he ended with "thank you jimmy, may you rest in pieces, crushed beneath the weight of the kingdom you tried so hard to hold up above your head."

apparently the VA, jason rose, confirmed it in DMs w the same fan who sent in the cameo ask. so like, quite apart from how rude and disrespectful it was of miles to make a mockery of james in a cameo where he'd been specifically asked for comforting words regarding the character, ngl but i think that if you have to confirm a MAJOR CHARACTER is dead outside of canon bc you failed to actually show it on screen.....you've failed as a writer. and also that kind of thing shouldn't be confirmed in an expensive and exclusive interview lmao like how hard would it have been to just talk about good aspects to james' character instead of calling him a dickbag and saying 'don't do a genocide, guys!!'

it reeks of unprofessionalism and also it just makes everything surrounding ironwood's character arc even worse since apparently 'his fate was sealed' from the moment he was introduced to the show.

Me, who received the first Moderna shot yesterday (🎉 🎉 🎉 ): Ugh I feel too crappy to answer asks today

Me, upon hearing this news: You know, I have suddenly found an untapped source of energy

Okay, all joking aside, I watched the vid and it’s definitely a lot. I don’t have any information about the request itself except for what Miles mentions in the recording, so I can’t speak to what the fan may have been looking for outside of that, but some highlights include: 

“This is for the filth in my degenerate discord server” - Yeah, that’s how a lot of us (fans) talk about ourselves. It sounds like someone who really enjoys Ironwood and makes joking, self-deprecating comments about their love of a character. That’s familiar to me and speaks to the expectation that they hoped for something other than what they got. At least, if I’d sent in a request like that I wouldn’t be happy with the vid, but that’s obviously my own perspective and not this fan’s. I’d be very curious to know their own thoughts though... 

“Sometimes a character we like doesn’t make it, does something we don’t agree with... or both!” - That is indeed how characters work! The real question is whether their death/actions make sense within the story, which is not addressed here. Many fans who enjoyed Ironwood don’t have a problem with him dying or turning into a villain  — I’ve been honest about my acceptance of either/both, regardless of personal preference, provided it was written well  — and that was always the issue. Not what happened to Ironwood, but how it happened. 

“James Ironwood’s fate was sealed the moment his character was conceived many years ago.” - Personally, I don’t believe this. RT makes a lot of grand, sweeping statements about what’s been planned “for years” or “since the beginning” and too often we’re faced with writing that directly contradicts that. Though it’s unlikely we’ll ever know the truth, neither option paints the writing team in a good light. Either they’re straight up lying about what’s been planned (or twisting tossed out possibilities into assurances after the fact. For example, someone once suggested Ironwood might become a villain somehow at some point and now that’s presented as, ‘We’ve deliberately been working towards this specific ending for years’), or they’re being truthful and just... can’t write what they want to write. It doesn’t sound good when a writer says, ‘I’ve planned this the whole time’ and a good chunk of the fandom responds, ‘Then why couldn’t we see that planning this whole time?’ 

“When James was introduced we intentionally made him look like kind of a big dickbag, but then we realized that dickbag had a heart and was also half metal, and that was pretty cool!” - I don’t even know what to make of this. I’ve deconstructed his introduction before, but to summarize here, he’s presented as no more of a “dickbag” than Ozpin who may not be doing enough to protect the people, Winter who allowed herself to get taunted into a fight on campus, or Qrow who deliberately started that fight while drunk. Glynda is the only one who is arguably innocent here. The implication seems to be that obviously Ironwood became a villain because “we intentionally made him look like kind of a big dickbag” but then... does that mean Qrow will become a villain too someday?? 

The comments about them realizing he had a heart and was half metal just speak to that lack of planning. No, you obviously didn’t plan this downfall from the start if you “realized” something as basic as him caring for others partway through writing him and then allowed that care to drive his character for so long that the decent into villainy read as OOC, rather than inevitable. You obviously weren’t writing him with a backstory that influenced his character  — of which his semblance is a major part  — if you “realized” he was half-metal... whenever that happened. The fact that we never saw that backstory, or the semblance on screen, or returned to his half-metal nature outside of a ‘That’s coding for evilness’ theme again speaks to the fact that either a) none of this was actually planned or b) the execution is seriously lacking here. 

“Let us all take a moment to thank General James Ironwood for his service to the Kingdom of Atlas, but... at the end of the day, don’t do a genocide [laughs]” - I’m having trouble articulating why I dislike this. I’m really too tired to be unpacking this right now (lol), but it has something to do with  — as you say, anon  — that mocking tone. Something else to do with the surge of purity culture in recent years. The tone feels like it’s tied up in an unsaid, ‘You like the character who tried to commit genocide?’ accusation when, you know, he’s a fictional character. People can like characters who do bad things. More significantly, he’s a fictional character Miles wrote. There’s something particularly distasteful about writers who feel like they’re laughing at fans for liking something when they created the thing with the intent that we would like it. And many did. So they gave attention, time, money, passion, etc. to the work and then when that part of the work finished, the creator appears to make light of that investment? Idk, I’m speaking about more than just this one line  — the tone of the vid as a whole, really — but it feels much less like “You enjoy Ironwood! 😄” and more “You enjoy Ironwood...  😬” Like yeah, fans enjoyed the character that you wanted them to enjoy who you wrote to have a heart and then suddenly commit genocide instead. There’s definitely nothing complicated in all that. 

“Thank you, Jimmy. May you rest in pieces crushed beneath the weight of the kingdom you tried so hard to hold above your head. Amen.” - All of the above x2 with the added issue that this was never shown on screen. Miles presents Ironwood’s arc like this seven year long plan when in fact they couldn’t even manage the basic move of telling the audience what happened to the character in his final hour. The fact that a fan had to pay to find out whether Ironwood is dead is not a gold star for the writing. 

Every time the RWBY crew speaks about the story in supplementary material the canon itself gets worse. Hyping Clover/Qrow on social media pushes the canon closer to queerbaiting. We’re way closer to that with them hyping Blake/Yang. Long ago comments about Ozpin’s cane suddenly make Volume 8 a retcon. A Q&A about Ironwood’s semblance makes his arc a thousand times more confusing about how we’re supposed to read his character  — to name just a few. Now this. When a friend first told me this info had dropped I thought, “Thank god. He’s not coming back then. I don’t want them writing Ironwood’s character anymore,” but really... can we believe anything the crew says? “Crushed beneath the weight of his kingdom” doesn’t mean Ironwood won’t show up in Volume 9 if it’s a spirit world type adventure. It doesn’t mean he won’t show up three years from now with even more metal in his body and a, “We said he was crushed, not that he was dead ;)” explanation. Hell, it doesn’t even mean he won’t show up with no explanation at all because, as established, what’s said in supplementary works and what happens on screen are two entirely separate things. Iffy as the vid may come across to those who did like Ironwood, I was initially happy that it at least gave us some closure... but now I’m not even sure about that. 

[macandriley]

5x06 - A Very MacRiley Analysis

Obligatory post to answer the age-old question: What do you see in MacRiley?

I’d like to start this off by saying, like a lot of you, I had very minimal hopes for this episode. I really didn’t expect anything to happen on the MacRiley front—especially not something that would significantly impact that storyline. 

But...I do enjoy being wrong.

Full transparency: this is not an episode review. If it were, I’d have to talk about the glaring plot inconsistencies and strange timeline. And I feel like I’ve already talked myself hoarse over that. 

So, without further adieu, let’s get into the long-winded analysis. 

The Cold Open

Absolutely irrelevant to the overall story and to this analysis. I just really like the way Mac says, “Riley, take the wheel,” and I thought it deserved an honorable mention.

“2020 Is Gonna Be Awesome”

Here, we cut to quarantine shenanigans. It’s cute. Fun. To see Riley and Bozer interacting like siblings again after so long just felt right.

Now, this is the pandemic, so of course conversations of toilet paper shortages arise. So Mac, in true MacGyver fashion, throws out some fun alternatives like newspaper and pine needles. And Riley shoots them all down, as she should. 

Because in the immortal words of Desi in 5x04, “Ew.”

This is when Bozer mentions that they could use the cardboard from Riley’s moving boxes. A seemingly innocent suggestion on the surface. If you don’t pay much attention to it, it goes right by without any fuss. 

However, at this point in canon, here’s what we know:

Bozer knows about Riley’s feelings for Mac

Riley has verbally told him that the reason she’s moving out is because of MacDesi. (Though her exact reasoning might’ve been intentionally misleading on her part)

So what does this mean? Well, to put it simply, Bozer is encouraging her to embrace living with Mac. To unpack her bags and stick around a while. A suggestion that Riley seems to ignore, as she says she’s dead set on getting out of there the second the pandemic allows.

Of course, the second she mentions moving, Mac picks back up with his beautiful Fauci song. Could it be that Himbo Barbie doesn’t like talking about Riley leaving? That’s open for interpretation.

Bonus points: Mac (incorrectly) blames Riley for not doing the dishes and it’s just adorably domestic. 

Getting Fed

Again, this scene is insignificant. The OG trio sit down to dinner, with Desi and Matty on video chat. It’s cute. 

But there is definitely something to be said for the way Riley looked at Mac when he mentioned having a private chat with Desi. My heart really went out to her there, because it must seem to her like she’s constantly being overlooked. 

After dinner, Riley and Bozer share a brief conversation. She expresses a disinterest in discussing her feelings, and reaffirms her choice to move out.

But Bozer reminds her that she’s only moving out so she “doesn’t have to watch Mac and Desi together,” and that “At this moment, it doesn’t seem like they are.”

This scene is important for two reasons: 

Bozer is clearly more supportive of MacRiley, which makes him honorary ship captain (as far as I’m concerned). 

it reaffirms the fact that her feelings are still very real, no matter how hard the lady doth protest.

Kitchen Floor Confessional

You all know this one from promo. After a tense conversation with Bozer, Mac heads inside to do the dishes. Riley, being the helpful person she is, offers to lend a hand. 

One thing leads to another, and the two wind up sitting on the floor by the sink, side by side. Just talking. The conversation comes to an end when Riley, who looks as though she wants to say something else, decides against it. (This “something else”, of course, would have been her confession). 

Cue the somewhat longing, emotionally charged staring from both parties. 

At this point, Mac says he’s going to go for a jog and abruptly leaves Riley alone in the kitchen. It’s clear by the look on her face that she feels, in some way, rejected. And the viewer is, at least for now, left to ponder why Mac seemed to cut the moment off so strangely. 

Though one could hypothesize that, just like Riley’s being packed and ready to go, Mac’s running has a little more to do with the emotional distancing than physical. 

The Parking Lot

Here we see Mac run off to speak to Desi. A scene I will not discuss at length, because the idea of playing footsie makes me cringe in the deepest recesses of my soul.

A little ways away, Bozer asks Riley if she told Mac about her feelings. She tells him she didn’t and that she’s glad, because she doesn’t want to be the thing that comes between them and their “happiness” (happiness is in quotes here because it seems like “anger” and “annoyance” are more common for them).

The dialogue in and of itself is not what I want to focus on here though. It’s the way the scene is framed.

Outside of the close-up shots for MacDesi’s conversation, much of the camera angles are from Riley’s perspective. Distant. Detached. The standpoint of an outsider looking in—of a girl watching the man she cares about being happy with someone else. 

The camerawork here makes this more of a Riley-centric moment than a MacDesi one.

Which is important because, from a narrative standpoint, there is no reason to frame it that way unless her emotions are going to be focal later on. This entire exchange implies that, in some way, Riley’s feelings are, were, and will be important to the plot. 

Yay for directorial story telling. 

A Moment

What to say about this scene? 

Mac has a heart to heart with Bozer and promises to be more present in his life. Bozer thanks him and begs him to finally clean the damn kitchen.

And agreeing, Mac turns away to do just that. Only, he stops himself short and tells Bozer he has one more thing he’d like to discuss.

The quote went as follows: “Kay, so...in the kitchen here a couple nights ago with Riley, there was a, uh...I don’t know, a moment.”

As I’m sure every MacRiley knows, him acknowledging that scene as a legitimate moment between them was incredibly unexpected. They’ve arguably had “moments” before, but only Riley ever seemed to notice them. Mac never mentioned having feelings, or even seemed like he might be aware of them.

This scene is the first time we’ve ever had direct confirmation that he feels—at least, in some capacity—the same way. 

To make it even better, this scene happens directly after MacDesi’s footsie match in the parking lot. Which means that, even when he’s got positive momentum with Desi, he’s still got Riley on his mind. 

Side note: I personally think this explains his behavior in 5x03. He doesn’t see Riley reciprocating, and he’s probably incredibly worried about screwing up all their history—an issue he doesn’t have with Desi, since they didn’t have much of a friendship first. 

So he throws himself back into that in an attempt to smother his feelings. Will it work? Only time will tell.

Ending

After cleaning up the kitchen, Mac picks up the piece of glass he’d left on the floor and, surprise surprise, finally gets an idea for his ventilator. Some fans say this is Riley’s influence, which I can honestly see. 

Especially given the quote Mac says at the end:

“When the world feels like it’s so turned upside down that it’s impossible to fix, it helps to look at things from a different angle. Because no matter how broken something appears—whether its your grumpy neighbor, your terrified best friend, your estranged girlfriend, or a shard of glass—that broken thing could inspire something new...Maybe even something better than before.”

I believe this is a direct foreshadow to MacRiley. Somehow, his fractured relationship with Desi will make him see what he COULD have with Riley. This “new angle” might even help him see that he’s better off as friends with Desi (something new), and that he might be happier in a relationship with Riley (something better).

And if you still don’t buy that, well...the scene transition seems pretty damning. 

There was absolutely no reason the camera couldn’t have faded to Bozer. Or to a shot of all three of them. This feels incredibly intentional, no?

In Conclusion

“Codex Adrenaline” and “Quarantine Cabin Fever” are cop-outs. Riley still likes Mac. Mac now likes Riley. And we are 100% going to see more development on that front. So is this a win?

I think so.

But I wanna hear from y’all. What did you like about this episode? What did you hate? Do you feel like they’re leading up to something bigger for MacRiley?

I’d love to hear y’alls thoughts. 

[soul-dwelling]

Is Soul Eater Not good? I really liked SE for Chrona and the battles but a friend of mine told me that it was non canon and just a very bland version of the original. So I wanted your honest opinion as I really like your post :D

Thanks for liking the post!

I enjoyed NOT, but that’s subjective. And that enjoyment was in spite of what is wrong with it, as I can describe below (slow plot, the kind of insufficient worldbuilding that rather than leave the audience wanting more just seems incomplete, lack of depth to some characters, fanservice crap). I like NOT because it was Soul Eater-related; if it wasn’t Soul Eater-related, I don’t know whether it would be memorable.

(Long response below, covering Crona, the fights, non-canon status, blandness, and other thoughts about NOT. Spoilers for NOT, Soul Eater, and Fire Force.)

Crona remains awesome in both the anime and the manga, but you won’t get Crona in NOT. Medusa is mentioned, I think, in the first chapter, and she shows up in person in another chapter, but she never interacts directly on-panel with any characters, so you never get to learn more about her–or see how what she witnesses in the NOT story influencing her plans to seizing Asura and perfecting Crona.

Hell, Medusa’s sister is the main antagonist of NOT, yet that sister never interacts with Medusa. It would have been so cool to have Medusa's sister Shaula show up, Medusa recognize her, somehow meet up with her later–and the two reach a stand-still. Medusa can’t out Shaula as a witch without outing herself as a witch too, and Shaula can’t over-play her hand without Medusa unleashing the full weight of her power down upon Shaula–and neither can afford a fight that not only gets the DWMA going after them but also the Witch’s Council. That plot has been sitting there for so long in my headcanon, and has to exist in some already published fanfic–and we didn’t get it in the manga at all. We get no more depth to Medusa in all of this–and imagine if somehow Shaula’s plan to infect students with her venom somehow influenced Medusa’s plans for using the Black Blood to infect others.

Whether NOT is “non-canon” is up for debate. I lean towards, no, it’s canon–depending on which version we mean. (And in this post-Fire Force world, jeez, do I really not want to treat that series as canon to anything Soul Eater-related.) The NOT manga doesn’t really contradict anything in the Soul Eater manga–in fact, it expands or ties into certain things (some worldbuilding explaining how weapons work and why we saw certain uniforms; how Jackie learned Kim was a witch; who Akane and Clay are and how they know Sid). The NOT anime, though, changes enough that it’s hard to tie that into the canon of other series, manga or anime. The first Soul Eater anime never really confirmed Kim was a witch, so to suddenly suggest she is in the NOT anime probably confused a few anime-only viewers.

(Although, if we treat Fire Force as in-canon, there is stuff in it and in NOT that, to me anyway, seems inconsistent and would justify saying NOT is now suddenly not canon. Akane refers to the “Great War”: if he meant World War I, that would have been before Fire Force changed our 3D “real world” into their 2D world; if he just meant “Great War” as a generic term, that’s kind of boring. And NOT explained why Death City has such an eclectic cultural and architectural structure–it just is like that–but if Fire Force remade the entire world to already be similarly eclectic, then why would Death City’s design shock Tsugumi? If that diversity is somehow already inherent to the entire world thanks to Shinra’s reboot, why should Tsugumi be surprised?)

Plus, upon re-reading NOT, I had somehow blocked how messed up the “Meme sleepwalks” stuff was, so if you despise “let’s have the underage girl doing fanservice stuff in her sleep for yuri content written by a man who keeps writing this kind of shit,” I would say “skip those chapters,” but, in his typical way, the creator makes that fanservice crap integral to the plot twist and climax of the story. So, yeah, pretty difficult extricating the crap from the story. -_-#

As for blandness: I think some of this story sounds better in the English dub of the anime, than it does reading the manga. Just about everyone in the English dub adds so much more weight and personality to the characters than I got reading the manga pages, although that could be my failure of imagination.

Among the three main characters, I like them fine. Sure, Tsugumi is not Maka–which is kind of the point of her arc in the manga (much more than in the anime, honestly): you can tie your hair up in pigtails, that doesn’t make you Maka, you have to be your own person. Tsugumi is not like other weapons: so what if other weapons are said to have only one meister, that isn’t true, Death Scythes have multiple partners, so why can’t Tsugumi? Anya and Meme get stuck as stock characters, but that doesn’t change that they are still fun characters, regardless how cliche the shtick is. I personally love Anya being the Ouran Host Club kind of character, a rich snob who wants to know how common people act. It’s why her attempts at offering condolences to Tsugui when she deals with a personal death come off as believability and helps show she is a mostly realized person, not just a characterization. Meme’s forgetfulness and sleepwalking gags can get tiring–but at least they lead to the plot’s climax, so you’re kind of stuck with them. And the anime does well at showing her regret and panic over not remembering things she has done.

As for the other characters: Akane and Clay are pretty bland, but their dynamic could have led to more comedic situations–and did a little bit in the main manga’s final arc, when Clay has a bit of an airhead moment before understanding what Akane is getting at about Asura’s madness. Sid, Naigus, Auntie, and the glorified cameos of the Death Scythes and Kid are all kind of there. I appreciate seeing what Patty was like shortly after being brought in from New York City–that was good content to understand just how different she has become since working with Kid.

The fights in the manga aren’t going to top what you get in any of Ohkubo’s other works, whether the rudimentary quality of B Ichi, the plodding dragged-out fight of the final Moon arc in Soul Eater, or (sorry, but this is how I feel) the disorienting and befuddling fights and logic in Fire Force. NOT just kind of falls with a thud: if Meme and Anya are not as well trained as meisters as Maka and others, of course their fights won’t be very impressive. But even when we have practiced meisters like Maka and Akane getting some fights in the manga, it’s just kind of there–the stakes don’t get much higher. The tension only comes from their opponents trying to off themselves: you don’t feel like Maka is really in an engaging fight, you just feel badly because Eternal Feather, possessed and forced to fight Maka, is commanded to kill herself, and you feel devastated that she makes the attempt.

(I’ll add that, yeah, the anime’s three major fights are going to piss people off. The Maka versus Eternal Feather fight is not animated anywhere near as well as anything in the first anime–and it wouldn’t surprise me if this got us stuck with David Pro on Fire Force and now potentially looking to a future where they are going to get any Soul Eater reboot, which is a shame, because I do not want to sit through a David Pro Soul Eater when BONES is more suited to the tone and humor of a well-done adaptation. The Meme versus Sid fight isn’t terrible in the anime, although I feel like it sacrificed a more dynamic approach that the manga gave: the anime doesn’t want to show Sid’s crushed head, so we cover it with debris; the manga just has a giant statue’s tip buried into Sid’s skull, his dead eyes staring blankly, which is more unnerving and, while not as animated [he’s dead–of course he’s not animated], is more memorable. The last fight, against Shaula, falls into a trap of the last-minute power-up by bullshit logic for Tsugumi to somehow get a Witch Hunter-level weapon form that kills Shaula–it’s going to be more bothersome than the “Punch of Courage” whining by some fans.)

Despite how offensive the fanservice around Meme gets, NOT is such a short anime that I think it’s worth a watch–it’s going to be largely inoffensive outside of the fanservice and quick enough to watch. The manga is also quick enough to skim, but asking people to pay for five volumes is a lot, when a lot of those chapters were never adapted to the anime and therefore do not contribute at all to the plot and are the epitome of what people mean by “filler.”

[thetypedwriter]

All the Young Dudes Fanfiction Review

All the Young Dudes Fanfiction Review by MsKingBean89

So. 

This is a first. 

If you’ve been following this blog for some time, then you know I generally read young adult books and write far too lengthy reviews on them with the occasional outlier of adult fiction, mystery, sci-fi, etc. 

At any given time, I usually have both a physical book that I’ve bought from somewhere that I’m working on (right now it’s Firekeeper's Daughter by Angeline Boulley) as well as a fanfiction that I reserve until before I go to bed (my treat for a day well lived). 

Fanfiction is something that I’ve mentioned copious amounts of times on this blog in varying degrees, but this is the first time I’ll be writing an actual review for one of them on this platform. 

The reason for this is myriad. 

One, this fanfiction called All the Young Dudes is a far-cry from your normal standardized fanfiction of 5-50,000 words-something I can easily consume in a few minutes to a few hours. 

Nope, this behemoth ends on a staggering 526,969 words and 188 chapters, not including bonus chapters and extra in-universe canonical content the author has also written and published. Roughly speaking, if this was actually published onto paper it would be well over 2,000 pages. 

2,000 pages. 

Yeah. And I enjoyed every single moment of it. 

Two, while I read a lot of fanfiction I generally don’t put any of it on this blog because while I’ve dedicated it to published novels, I also usually have very simple feelings about fanfiction. My thoughts run the gambit of: It was good, it was fluffy, it was a train-wreck, so on and so forth. 

Normally my reviews are so long and wordy because I have too many thoughts about the published books that I read and I need an outlet to let them loose. 

Whether because of its longevity or because of its content, All the Young Dudes is a story I find myself having a profusion of thoughts for. Hence, the birth of this review. 

If fanfiction isn’t your thing, feel free to skip this particular review of mine (although fanfiction is a gift to this world and you should really rethink your stance on it if you don’t like it, just saying). 

Third, All the Young Dudes is well written and rivals any actual published content. 

Fourth, because of how extensive this fanfiction is, it took me over a month to read it-time I generally would have been reading something else. Instead of leaving you all hanging for a few more weeks until I finish Firekeeper's Daughter (don’t hold your breath-the book is sort of a slog for me personally right now), I decided to just take the jump and write my first-ever typedwriter review for a fanfiction. 

Fanfiction has been a part of my life for the better part of almost two decades now. It was truly something I found by accident and in retrospect, it’s insane to me that it’s still something that brings me continuous joy and happiness. 

I discovered fanfiction when I was 11-years-old and deeply obsessed with the Harry Potter fandom. 

Now, as an overall disclaimer I completely disagree with J.K. Rowling’s stances of gender and biology and differ wholeheartedly with her views of trans and non-binary individuals. With that said, I still love Harry Potter as a story and while I no longer buy anything that profits J.K. Rowling directly, I still love the fandom and the people in it, including fanworks like All the Young Dudes. 

When I was 11, the seventh Harry Potter book had yet to come out and like many other people in this time period of agony while waiting for 2007 to roll around so that I could find out what happened, I discovered fanfiction as a way to fill in that ache I was so keenly feeling. 

I found myself suddenly immersed in this world of online fiction-both good and bad-but completely entrancing all the same. 

I never left. 

That is to say, I did eventually move onto other fandoms with their own fanfiction cultures, but Harry Potter was still my first in terms of fanfiction and introducing me to the concept as a whole. 

Specifically and maybe oddly, I never found myself curious for actual fanfiction about Harry or Hermione or Ron. In my mind, I already knew what had happened to them and reading about them in fanfiction was redundant. 

In addition, the first fanfiction I just happened to come across was a Lily/James marauder era fanfiction on mugglenet.com

This idea immediately intrigued me as fans as a whole knew next to nothing about the infamous Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs and while I knew everything I needed to about Harry Potter it was intoxicating to think that I could learn about a time before the series had existed and about characters who were important, but off screen. 

I was hooked and devoured as much as I could for most of middle school about the marauders and Lily and James’ romance in particular (I even wrote and published some of my own that will go unmentioned as they are truly really terrible). 

That being said, I haven’t read a Harry Potter fanfiction in years. I grew up and out of the fandom eventually thanks to Twilight and from there I’ve bounced from fandom to fandom as I’ve aged and consumed different things and fallen in love with different characters and different worlds. 

That isn’t to say I’ve forgotten though. 

I still remember my favorite marauder stories, my favorite Sirius Black/OFC (original female character), and my favorite baby Harry drabbles. They made such a huge impression on me and even though it’s been sixteen years, I still recall those stories with fond nostalgia and jubilation. 

Which is why it’s almost ironic that I would return to this particular time period of the marauders with All the Young Dudes. 

In a fashion that’s almost scarily full circle, I happened to be on Youtube one day and saw a recommendation video about this girl reviewing a fanfiction called All the Young Dudes. Now, youtube book reviews aren’t uncommon, but a thirty minute video for a fanfiction? Not your typical sighting. 

So out of pure curiosity, I searched All the Young Dudes fanfiction on Google and low and behold the overwhelming and top results were all for a marauder-era fanfiction by MsKingBean89. Piqued, I clicked on the link in ao3 and thought why not? 

While I’ve mainly been reading in other fandoms recently (BTS, some anime and manga, All for the Game) I had been in a little bit of a slump for finding a really good, really alluring story for some time and really didn’t think I had anything to lose by reading All the Young Dudes, especially as the more research I did, the more I found how popular it was-a plethora of videos on youtube, tiktok compilations, and dozens of fanart posts. 

Plus, it had been so long since I had read anything from my progenitor fandom and the thought of going back was strangely comforting.

Hence the journey of reading All the Young Dudes began and oh what a journey it was. 

Now, that this review is already five pages in, I should probably tell you what on earth All the Young Dudes is actually about. 

The whole story is a marauder-era fanfiction told from Remus Lupin’s POV from the summer of 1971 when Remus is 11-years-old to the summer of 1995 when he is 35-five-years-old. It is an in-depth portrayal of Remus’ time at Hogwarts from year one to year seven and then going all the way up to the start of the second wizarding world, ending around the time Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix begins. 

While already the scope makes this a massive undertaking, the author also includes all canonical content from the original series involving Remus, the Marauders, and the time period and incorporates it into her fanfiction-making it canon compliant from start to finish. 

While a very large portion of this story is not romantic, there is eventual WolfStar (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black) and if you have read the original Harry Potter series...well. You know things don't end up super dandy for these two characters in particular so you know how the story will end before it begins. 

This fanfiction left me speechless for so many reasons. 

The scope and length is frankly unbelievable. This fanfiction was published on March 2, 2017 and it was completed on November 12, 2018.

….how?

How did she manage that? I frankly have no idea, but I am in complete and utter awe at her ability to write content with such a magnitude and actually complete it. She gets an award just for that honestly. 

Not only that, but the fanfiction is actually superbly well-written. I won’t lie and say it’s the most poignant and beautiful piece of literature I’ve ever consumed, but it was consistent in its pacing, characterization, themes, motifs, and structure, which, for 2,000 pages, is an incredible achievement when you think about it. 

Speaking of characterization, everyone was So. Well. Done. 

Remus was such an interesting POV to read from and while he was compliant in every sense of the word-werewolf, prefect, bookish-MsKingBean89 added so much more to his character and fleshed him out so incredibly that it’s truly tragic that he’s not a real person. 

And to that extent, she does this with all of the characters. You see James’ optimism and leadership, Sirius’ arrogance and loyalty, Peter’s jealousy and chess skills. 

Every character was so well-rounded and real. She did an incredible job of taking the bits and pieces from the canon series and using that to build up her own flesh and blood people with motivations, likes, dislikes, dreams, and desires. 

That being said, she also had 2,000 pages to do it sooooooo it would be bad if the characters weren’t fleshed out by the end honestly. 

In addition, I really appreciated that she didn’t just focus on Remus, Sirius, James and Peter. Lily Evans played a critical role in Remus’ school life and after and so did the other Gryffindor girls like Marlene and Mary. 

Too often, the focus is on the boys and their close friendship and while that was a huge focus, we also get to see Remus develop friendships with the girls in his own right and other friends as well that were often OC’s of the author’s. 

Now. OC’s are generally something I dislike. I’m reading fanfiction to read about particular characters that I’ve sought after, not to read about some imaginary cast. However, just like any of the canon characters, all of the OC characters were well-developed and played crucial roles in Remus’ development-while either at Hogwarts or after-and I found myself not minding them in the least. In a few cases (Grant) I actually really loved them. 

The biggest draw for this fanfiction for me was Remus’ time at Hogwarts. It was so well-written and incredibly descriptive and I found myself thrust back into the world of magic so suddenly and seamlessly that it was like I never left. 

MsKingBean89 includes so many intricate details and builds up the world so beautifully that I’d recommend any Harry Potter fan to consume it, just to get some good Hogwarts material out of it. 

Another thing I greatly appreciate about this fanfiction was the slow burn. I’ve read slow burn before (All for the Game trilogy anybody?), but this truly took the cake. Sirius and Remus don’t properly get together until the end of year six going into year seven. That’s over 100 chapters in. 

100 chapters out of 188. 

Meaning that over half of this beast doesn’t have the main pairing even together. For some people, this could be a drawback. You might think to yourself: It takes how long for them to confess their feelings and stop being prats?

A very, very long time. 

However...it didn’t bug me. I like slow burn to begin with, but being along for the ride as Remus goes from being a child to an adolescent with unrequited feelings to being in a relationship with someone he loves is so rewarding and fulfilling that the 100 previous chapters are completely and utterly worth it. 

MsKingBean89 develops them so well and so carefully that the payoff is so sweet and satisfactory that it's enough to bring the tears right then and there. 

The last huge feat of this fanfiction for me was the author’s dedication to canon not just confined to Hogwarts and the Harry Potter books, but also to the time period. Either she lived through the 70’s and 80’s herself or she had done her due diligence when it comes to research because anything from London anti-gay laws to British slang was commonplace in her fic. 

I found it completely amazing how she was able to tie in real-time historical and cultural moments like famous singers and movies playing at the time alongside convoluted muggle politics warring with the wizarding ones. 

I was so blown away by the accuracy and genuine love behind this fic that it often brought me out of my own mind to simply ponder once again how much work this was and how well she was delivering it. 

Even unpleasant things, like homophobia and bigotry, are dealt with in a very carefully constructed way that is aligned with the time period in which the story takes place. 

Unfortunately, everything beautiful is not without flaws and All the Young Dudes is not the exception, although it’s flaws are nary compared to its achievements. 

The few complaints I have with this fic are honestly quite negligible. 

First, there are a few grammatical and punctuation errors. Very few, but I did notice some. 

Next, and again, this complaint is really just me whining, but...the end of the fic was really fucking sad. The end of this whole story took me so much time to complete simply because I didn’t want to read it. 

I know what happened during the first wizarding war and I also know what ended it (James and Lily Potter dying, Harry being shipped off to the Dursley’s, Sirius imprisoned for a murder he didn’t commit, Peter presumed dead) and in one fell swoop Remus lost everything and everyone he ever loved. 

After spending over 1,500 pages of Remus growing to love these people it is absolutely devastating and heart-breaking to see him lose it all. 

The last handful of chapters are just really, really sad and it makes me wonder why MsKingBean89 decided to write it in the first place. Frankly, I don't know why she didn't write about Remus’ time at Hogwarts and stop after graduation because we all know what happens after that and none of it is good. 

Looking back, I wish I could time travel and tell myself to stop at chapter 150. I truly didn’t need to read about the tragedies that happened after that and the hell that all of the characters go through. 

And while it does end on a….sort of kind of maybe positive (?) note with Sirius and Remus reuniting briefly once the events of Harry Potter and Prisoner of Azkaban take place, it was really tainted and bittersweet for me knowing that in a year Sirius would die and Remus would marry his fucking cousin and have a child. 

Urgh. 

I just can’t. 

That being said, I understand it’s not the author’s fault and I’m not saying it is. She wrote a canon compliant fic to the end and it was my choice to continue reading. That being said, she said she ended it before the events of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix because Sirius and Remus are happy and back together and she didn’t want to write what was coming next if she continued. 

I truly, truly get that. 

But in the same vein, why even write the events of the first wizarding world to begin with then? I’m confused with that response as it doesn’t make much sense to me. I felt like ending it right then and there was not a happy ending. They’re together, yes, but at this point they are both shells of who they used to be. Both have severe trauma and PTSD and frankly I don’t even know if I agree with them being together just because they’ve put each other through so much. 

It’s just an interesting choice at the end of the day in terms of the author. 

Once again, however, I truly understand that she can do whatever she wants and that she doesn’t owe anyone anything, especially as she’s writing this for free and just because. So please keep in mind that although I’m complaining, I truly understand how fortunate we are to even have this fic in the first place. 

Okay. 

Secondly, my only other huge complaint is that MsKingBean89 made Remus gay. Not bi, not pan. Gay. 

You could argue that Remus just calls himself gay in the fanficiton as he didn’t know about other kinds of sexuality. You could argue that Remus’ sexuality changes and develops as he ages and experiences trials and tribulations. You could argue that it was a sign of times like so much else in this fic. 

I frankly just found it to be a frustrating choice as the fic is canon compliant and even though it ends before the events of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows we know that Remus eventually marries Tonks and has a baby son named Teddy Lupin. 

How does that make sense?

I tried very, very hard to come up with some sort of feasible explanation for how a gay man would have ended up with the love of his life’s female cousin and truly could not think of one that was not fucked up to some degree. 

Again. I know I’m being nit-picky, but it irked me that she made this choice regarding Remus’ sexuality and essentially ended her fic with Remus stuck in a corner regarding how the series actually ends. 

At the end of the day, all of the negatives are truly, truly not important. I’m just whinging to whine and to express my thoughts, but I do once again understand that MsKingBean89 isn’t profiting from this fic and that she can do what she wants as is her prerogative. 

I hope I was able to express that while I understand that, I can still be frustrated with some of the choices she made. 

To wrap this all up, All the Young Dudes is a masterpiece and is a must-read for anyone who loves Harry Potter, the Marauders, or Wolfstar. I was blown away by the sheer magnitude, the love and care she put into her craft, the slow and deliberate development of all the characters, the beautifully constructed love between Sirius and Remus, and the intricate world-both muggle and magic-that surrounded the story like a cocoon. 

I am so happy I found this fic and I truthfully am floundering at what to do with myself next. If you have any more current Marauder era fics that I’ve missed out in the past eleven years, please don’t hesitate to let me know. 

Recommendation: Go read All the Young Dudes. For weeks, you will cry, you will laugh, you will despair, and you will smile. This fanfiction will make you wish this was canon and in my mind, it now is. 

Score: 8/10

Links:

1. All the Young Dudes on ao3 

2. The Youtube Video about All the Young Dudes that made me aware of its existence