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alexandraswords · 1 year

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Getting to Step One.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol."

That was the last thing I wanted to do, Admit I was a useless piece of existence on this planet over something that is considered a cornerstone of pretty much everything in our society and generation.

How was I powerless? I had this belief embedded in my brain that shit just got a little out of hand. I had a job, my bills were paid, I wasn't going out, I wasn't hurting anyone, I was managing the household chores, I was happy, I was independent, I was an adult, I wasn't doing anything illegal, I was functioning.

And even worse, I had already admitted to myself that I was a functioning alcoholic, but I just didn't care. The past handful of years had been filled with chaos, pain, change, and loss. I accepted the fact that this was just how I am, and therefore that's how my life was going to be. The worst part of all is, I have always wanted to live, not just exist. But, I barely even existed. I was just just surviving, hoping everyday I wouldn't wake up the next.

It's like what they say about love and breakups and resentment, what's worse than hating someone or something is indifference. I didn't just hate myself and what I had become. I became indifferent to it and completely apathetic to the entire situation I had created.

It wasn't always shit. It was fun at first, until it wasn't. This had been years in the making. It started off as a nightly rendezvous with whoever I was dating, to relax and have fun with each other or a reason to go out with one another. Or a way to blow off steam after work with some coworkers. It wasn't a box on my daily checklist... yet.

Relationships started going away, I started becoming emotionally unpredictable. My depression grew along with the isolation once I realized that what I was spending on a shot at the bar was about 75% of the cost of a whole entire bottle, so I just started drinking at home.

I went from working in restaurants, a well decorated career of about 17 years, to working independently as a traveling escort, web cam model, adult entertainer, and Onlyfans model. At first I had started all of that pretty sober, But a year or so into realizing that I was working for myself and there really were no rules it gradually advanced to daily drinking. Quickly I lost all my motivation to even work for myself and hold myself accountable to do the things I needed to do to maintain an income, so back into the real life work force I went.

My mom was totally over my shit. The hospital stays, the drunk nightly calls never knowing which Alex she was going to get. So she said I had to move out. I pretty much would bounce from relationship to relationship to ensure I had some place to stay. I had been in a long distance relationship for quite sometime, but because of my drinking it seemed even that was in constant ebb and flow. Either I would drive myself to uncertainty and run away from it and say we needed a break, or I would do something so fucking stupid thoughtless and unforgivable that he would need a break from my bullshit. I am a master at self destruction. Even the relationships in between crumbled because there was no real or solid foundation that the were formed. They came to fruition solely from desperation and loneliness, and also knowing it would be conducive for my drinking if not enabled.

I moved back up to where I grew up in the house my brother had bought and was renting the bottom unit from him. I got a job at a local market as a cashier and things were going pretty good on my own, until they weren't. I had relocated but I never really unpacked, literally and metaphorically. Maybe because I was so used to living out of suitcases and never really grounding myself, I don't know. The only thing I really was concerned with was making sure I kept my job, that my bills were paid and rent was paid ahead of time, and I always had enough money on hand for liquor, cigarettes and pot.

Things were going well (so I thought) Until my brother gave me a 30 day eviction notice. He never gave me a reason why. I replayed everything in my mind since the day I moved in there over and over and over again, fine combing our lease agreement word for word hours at a time, looking for any and every single loophole or actual reason I fucked up. He never gave me any answer other than "Alex It is what it is, it's just time to go."

TO BE CONTINUED. (I HAVE TO GET READY FOR A MEETING.)

Okay, so where was I... Oh yeah, my brother, notifying me that I had 30 days to leave the apartment, which ,legally he totally could do because when you rent month to month that's a thing. I was fueled with rage, anger, and resentment. What I didn't know at the time was my mom had just told how she and her husband had found their best friend dead in his apartment. He died of a heart attack and was also an alcoholic like me. They think he was in his bathroom because the towel bar on the wall across from the toilet was torn down and so were the shower curtains and rod that they hung from. He had fallen into the bathtub, half in, legs hanging out and had bled out. I soon realized that because my mom had told my brother this, it had shook him and he was now haunted by a fear that had yet to happen to me, but he didn't want to take any chances of seeing a similar horror scene staring me in his future.

So now what? Well, thankfully I hadn't completely destroyed every relationship in my life up to this point. I let my boss at the time know that I was in the hospital and they were doing testing, and during that time I was in and out of hospitals for alcohol poisoning or just being stupid and friends contacting help out of concern. It wasn't completely a lie, but it also wasn't the whole truth of why I wasn't able to work. I soon let her know after she kept asking more frequently when I would be back and running out of reasons and excuses as to why medically I wasn't able to return. Finally I told her one day that at that time I was struggling with alcoholism and needed to go into treatment and work on my sobriety. She understood and said unfortunately she would have to hire someone until I was able to come back and we ended it on good terms.

I had a friend who was moving out of his moms and into a 2 bedroom apartment which he shared with another guy. We'll just call my friend D. Well My other best friend J was D's best friend as well. They both knew me as a functional alcoholic, but promised me I wouldn't be homeless and we would figure something out and they would help me move my stuff. D said I could share his room with him and I didn't have to worry about rent as long as I helped clean and cooked and gave him unlimited hugs.

So J rented a U haul, and we boxed up my shit and I moved in with D. Before I moved in D was sleeping on a sleeping bag on the floor with a tiny couch decor pillow and his X-Box and TV on the floor. So my mattress, box spring and dresser helped out. I had a lot of kitchen ware which was helpful because they were using plastic forks and basically eating fast food. It seemed like things would work out just fine. It wasn't the Ritz by any means, But I had a place to sleep, and a roof over my head, and a shower. And it was great at first... until it wasn't.

The apartment was in a pretty rough part of town, and was pretty much a crack den. It was right across the street from a liquor store and it wasn't uncommon to find syringes littered around the outside of the front of the building, with the smell of weed wafting in the air all around us.

I tried working on my Onlyfans, and my art, but at this point I was drinking from around 6/7 AM until I fell asleep around 2 AM, 11 PM on an early night. I wasn't working, and I didn't have to worry about rent, I had just enough income from my OnlyFans to be able to buy cigarettes and vodka. So that's all I really needed. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth, and barely left the apartment. 1) because I didn't want to go anywhere without my vodka and 2) making it down two flights of stairs was physically daunting to me (we were on the third floor). Things started to spiral out of control. D and I were fighting more often than not. My emotional state was unpredictable. I was constantly in and out of the hospital. Police taking me out in handcuffs to the 72 hour hold unit was no surprise.

Finally one day I was miserable, crying, completely smashed and hopeless. D, my mom, and my boyfriend all decided I should call this detox center nearby and do their 28 day program. I agreed only to get everyone the fuck off my back and be able to sober up for a bit and get the fuck out of that apartment.

They sent a car to come and get me. While waiting, I chugged 3/4 of a 1.75 mL bottle of Svedka. I vaguely remember someone picking me up, being in the vehicle on the way to the center. Sitting in the waiting room and the next thing I knew I was in a hospital asking why I wasn't at the center.

Apparently The nurse had started asking me questions and doing my evaluation at the center, but I passed the fuck out and they had to send me to the ER. So the next day at 7:30 AM I was shuttled back to the center to begin this 28 day bullshit.

Detox was fine, they just medicated me and then after 5 days of that, I was moved to the 28 day program on the other side of the building. I hated it at first, and then I just accepted that If I didn't do it My mother and anyone I had left that cared about me for whatever reason would just give up on me, I mean, I would too.

I participated to the best of my ability which was pretty much as minimal effort as possible and just kept counting down the days. The day I was released as soon as I got to the apartment, I went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bottle of Svedka. I only drank like 1/4 of it, which was far better than what I had been drinking which was around one to two bottles a day, but mind you I got back to the apartment around 5 PM so I had about 12 hours of catching up to do.

Things were a little better, the occasional call with my mom where she assured me I sounded better and she was glad and I would lie about doctors appointments coming up and how I was doing and how much better life was. And the other calls when she totally knew I was fucked up.

Shit started hitting the fan again. My health was declining, like my gums were bleeding, my eye sight was terrible, I never ate and If i did I was bingeing and purging, I was covered in bruises, D and I were arguing, calling the police on one another for one stupid reason or another. I broke one foot fucking around with D dancing shitfaced one night and then three days later I went to open the fridge one morning after having my normal breakfast ( 1/2 a bottle of Svedka), and lost my balance. I slipped, feet flying out from underneath me and my back and head falling straight down onto the hardwood floor. My other foot that wasn't broken, swung behind the fridge and hit the corner of the wall behind it and was now broken as well. Thank god no one was home because I screamed so loud I'm pretty sure I had lost my voice. After the initial shock I evaluated myself and nothing was really noticeably wrong except I was a little sore. So I continued to go about my usual day which consisted of sitting in the kitchen with my laptop, kitchen window open smoking a cigarette, drinking my vodka, watching useless shit on Hulu, and looking at stuff on my phone. The only reason I really got up was to refill my water chaser.

Drinking so I didn't have to feel my back pain only lasted so long. The next day I couldn't even roll over in bed without screaming in agony. D had to help me get up, shower, walk, basically everything despite me being a major bitch most of the time. Finally I caved. Everyone was on my ass about going to my favorite place : The Hospital.

Let's just say I was thrilled. I had broken 2 vertebrae and they found a Hiatal hernia in my GI tract along with fatty deposits and fatty infiltration in my Liver. I got a call from my mom, and she said I was coming back to Florida. I knew that this time, it was it. I had no other options. I was miserable, our roof was leaking, I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't stay sober, and I didn't have any idea what I was going to do. I knew if I went to Florida it would be my only chance. I had begged my mom multiple times that past year, especially when my brother gave me the thirty day notice, to please let me come down and just stay with them for a week until I found somewhere down here there to stay even if it was a treatment center and it was always no, until now. So I knew she was playing around. I drank as much as I could the night before I left to go to the airport. I was up at 4 AM with just a back pack, trying to finish as much as that bottle as I could before I got on that plane. I knew I had some leftover Valium the hospital gave me for my back, and thank god I did because if I didn't have that i'm positive my Delirium Tremens (DT's) would have sent me into a stroke or heart attack. I didn't finish the bottle and was pretty coherent on the trip back to Florida. I took a Valium when I went on the plane and slept for the entire flight pretty much. My step dad picked me up in Orlando and we headed back to our house near Tampa.

We got home and the first 2 or 3 days I just mainly rested. My mom and I went to a 5:30 meeting one night and we both decided that was not the meeting for me.

Well as the universe would because, of course it fucking would rule in favor of what I had been fighting against for so long, it just happened to be that our neighbor the next street over was also in recovery and had been going to meetings and just got one month sober. She insisted I needed to go with her to the noon meeting and she would pick me up everyday. Funny enough it was the same place where me and my mom had gone to the 5:30 one.

This Noon meeting was different. I began going everyday with her. And soon after I started going to the 5:30 ones as well. Shortly into it I got a temporary sponsor who like I said in a previous post gave me some pretty bomb ass suggestions that also helped me with my eating disorder that I have been battling for the past 17 years.

Today I have been sober for 47 days, and binge/purge free for 1 month (30 days). So it wasn't just one thing that got me to step one, and it wasn't just me. I didn't want to be completely defeated and forced into it. I had accepted I was a functioning alcoholic a long time ago, but I finally accepted the fact that I had to let it go, and throw in the white towel before I was completely fucked. I chose to take back my power of choice, and the direction my life was going. It took a lot of experiences, some good, some awful ,some fun, some traumatic, and some just inexplicable. It took losing almost everything including myself. It took me ,taking a chance, on me.

Getting to Step one was an entire process in itself. But once I accepted that I had to honestly admit and do something about not being able to drink... like ever, that was a bittersweet day.

Never is it usually a fairy tale or super inspirational story of strength and positivity that brings one to Step One. But it sure as hell is a memorable one.

So here's me today. Still sober, still healing, and beyond grateful I'm not in a grave.

Anyway, if this bat-shit crazy white girl can turn this crap around, I mean, I'm not a betting woman, but i'm willing to bet you don't want to look like I did in the pictures from the hospital, because I sure didn't.

To whoever comes across this, I hope it helps, even just a little. Even if you look at those photos and are like "DAYUMMM THAT BITCH IS BUSTED YO!" ... yeah, you're right I was. But don't get to that point.

My name is Alex, and I am in Recovery from liquid poison, Thanks for letting me share.

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werspinna · 11 months

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Muse Stressors Checklist : Wolfgund Waidmanns Bold the stressors that your muse has experienced! Italicise the stressors that are verse-dependent !

Enstrangement from parent: Wolf had not seen or had had contact with Wolfgang or Felina since she had left Cologne on Easter of 1212. Of course Felina and Wolfgang left their very prominent traits on Wolf that she still has: Felina teached Wolf acrobatics, thiefery and how to keep up her very happy, flashing mask on so people would be distracted and underestimate her. Wolfgang had taken Wolf on hunts since she was an infant first carrying her around strapped to his chest and later as his companion so she naturally kept to a longbow, knows her way around a forests botany and animals and how to survive outdoors. Even her parents religions had marked her with her beeing baptized and with that also named Wolfgund (31th octobre after Wolfgang of Regensburg, just like her father who was baptized aorund the same time) but also knowing the Elder futhark and beeing able to read runes as Wolfgang was after all from Schleswig and therefor grew up between christianity and paganism. And Felina beeing a muslime woman influenced Wolf in her daily hygine-habits and eating-habits that only got even stronger reintreduced in her life when she was taken in as a slave into Asadas household and made her very easy to adapt to the rules of this household. Which was probably one of the reasons beside Wolfs immunity to poxs why Asada took Wolf with her, because there was a cultural familarity between them: Asada was not the "enemy" or "stranger", but a woman who lived like Wolfs mother did/ does and therefor Asada did not needed to change the image Wolf had of her in her mind first before taking her in as a slave. Accordingly everything Wolf is and can do right now as an adult is in some way thanked to her parents. But it does not change the fact that Wolf had not had any contact with them since fourteen years and that both of them probably believe that she had died as a child. She does not know what her parents are doing, she does not know if they are even alive. Her skills and knowledge is what she has from them and it keeps her alive, but those are like an echo of the people she knew as her parents, but who are also very distant from her in the most literal sense. She does not know those poeple anymore, but also they brought her into this life and what they teached her kept her alive for so long.

#werspinna #headcanon

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beingdreeyore · 3 years

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The Break-up Survival List...

It hasn’t escaped my attention that the posts you all seem to appreciate the most are the ones where I share how I'm managing whatever it is I’m going through. The more I post about skills, the more popular my posts seem to be. While I don’t consider myself an expert on anything, I do know that I have more than an average level of experience in dealing with heartbreak and rejection. So, I figured I’d share with you my little list of things that I do each time to help me get through it. So share, reblog and add suggestions, let me know what works for you or anything I’ve missed, but for me this is what surviving a broken heart usually ends up looking like...

Give yourself 48 hours to just give up on everything. Dramatic, yes? Self-indulgent? Yes. Healing? Also, yes. I’ll admit that I’m not great at this one, but as I already mentioned, I stayed in bed hours later than normal this morning. I haven't looked at a single note of the study I should be doing. The bathroom needs cleaning and I don't care. Saturday came and went without the sheets being washed - it would be a decade since the last time that happened. I’m also eating whatever the hell I feel like when I feel like. And I’ll let this continue until I wake up for work tomorrow morning, because it just helps. I don’t know how or why, but just giving up on working so hard on all that stuff for a short period just helps. But only for a short period. Once it stretches out longer than that, the cycle gets harder to break. So cut yourself some slack for a little bit and just wallow. Get down and dirty and muddy and clog every pore in it. Feel every single thing that comes up and let yourself drown in it. Don’t move or do any task that you don’t want to. But only for 48 hours. Then you get started on the real stuff.

Give yourself permission to cry. I know. It sounds completely wanky, doesn't it? My clinical psychologist talks about this a lot though, taking time each day to “dip into and out of the sadness.” The trick is to stop before you get overwhelmed and to have a plan to escape it. Set aside a chunk of time each day where you lie on down in the muddy depths and roll around, forcing yourself to feel everything that is happening inside you. Cry hard. Then, when it is getting close to the point you can’t take anymore, move on with your day. Repeat daily until you no longer need to.

Create two playlists. Yup, two. Set them to private so that they can be the most embarrassing songs of all time, the songs that you would never be caught blaring out of the speakers at a red light. Those are the songs you need right now. One list of happy songs and one of sad. Play each every day. It doesn’t have to be the whole way through, but make time to connect with each daily so that you feel the weight of what you’re going through, but also so you get a burst of what’s waiting on the other side of healing. YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music - whatever it is, set it to private and don’t hold back. If this blog wasn’t anonymous, I’d share mine, but I’m talking tragic tunes. My sad list? Think songs like Think Twice by Celine Dion. My happy list? Songs that can get everyone in the room tapping and singing along, like Sugar, Sugar by the Archies. Reach way back to songs from your childhood singing into a hairbrush and dancing in front of a mirror. Remember your first heartache and the song that got you through it - make sure that’s on there. That’s the kind of magic you need right now.

Don’t drink alone. If you want to drink, fine. I’m definitely not in a position to be telling anyone not to, but no sad drinking solo. It only ends in more pain, and not the helpful healing kind. Call your friends, do the cliche, say their name a million times accompanied with the obligatory ‘but I care about them so much’ followed by ‘I hate them so much’ and let it just happen. Get it all out. If doing so requires shots of tequila, then more power to you, I say. Just don’t do it alone. If you end up drunk dancing on a table at 3am while your friends look on with concern in their eyes, that too is okay. Drink it down and get it out if that’s your style, just don’t do it alone. Have friends that let you get to that drunken ugly place where it all just comes out, and who don’t judge you because they recognise its what you need to do to heal.

Dance. This one is self-explanatory. You’ve heard me say it a million times, but dancing is one of the short-cuts to happiness. So dance. Close the blinds. Crank the music. Just move. It doesn’t have to be pretty or coordinated or worthy of an audience, but move your body. Jump and twirl and pop and two-step until you collapse in a heap. Do it and you’ll know why it’s important.

Watch romantic comedies. I know. But hear me out. Yes, they are typically written by women, and yes they typically hold-up an ideal of love that is unachievable, but isn’t that nice sometimes? Isn’t it nice to think sometimes that there is something better out there? In those moments, I think it is. You can get back to realistic versions of love when the darkest days have passed. My suggestion? Definitely, Maybe. Although, I know that’s self-indulgent and relevant to my current circumstance (two people fate keeps trying to push together but he’s a dumbhead and it takes him a decade or so to work it out... What? I’m not over-identifying... Much...), but in the darkest moments I know this movie is going to give me hope that he will get it together and come back to tell me he made the wrong choice. That for me will help me to get through this until I don’t need it to anymore.

Communicate exclusively in Taylor Swift lyrics for 24 hours. Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but again, hear me out... Who on earth (besides possibly me...? Depressing) has had the level of rejection and heartbreak that she has? And, whether you love her or hate her, you have to admit that converting that heartbreak and rejection into an empire worth millions wasn’t the worst idea... Plus, some of those songs are damn catchy. So, honour the Queen of getting through this by using her best lines. Honestly, you’d be surprised how quickly your friends join in. I first did this as a joke way back in 2012 following a breakup from a man known as Big Red (the long-time readers will remember him) and I didn’t even have to explain myself. I just started doing it as one of those things that was only funny to me, but people I did not expect to even understand the references I was making immediately switched to responding to me in her lyrics. In the cruelest and darkest moments of a breakup, this can still make me laugh.

Find your flow. Whaaaaaat? I hear you ask. Your flow. The thing that helps you to break from your thoughts. In our last conversation he told me that kicking a footy was for him what the ocean is for surfers. That’s the sort of stuff I’m talking about. The thing that helps remove you from the world and the constant babble in your head and gives you some moments of peace. The thing that helps you forget all the pain that you’re experiencing. Find your flow and allow yourself to be consumed by it. Writing, art, exercise, music; whatever it is. Give yourself over to it.

Exercise. Stop groaning, this is important. There's two types of exercise that help. Now, let’s not get drawn into the ‘is walking really exercise’ debate. For the purposes of this, I’m just going to say it is. You need to move your body. For me, I get clarity when I walk. It’s a trick I learned from my dad nearly 30 years ago when my parents were divorcing. God, he spent hours each day just walking, not really aiming for anywhere, just lost in his thoughts and his need to keep his body moving. It was scary how much weight he lost, but thankfully he then met my stepmother who gifted him with an obesity problem that he’s had pretty much since he met her - food is just love to some people. Anyway, slightly offtrack there, but moving helps. Sometimes I walk and I connect with my two playlists and other times I walk in silence. Sometimes he and this mess is all I can think about and sometimes I daydream about completely different things with no basis in reality. And it just helps. I also try to do something more challenging most days for no other reason than to get all those happy little hormones flowing. it may only be 15 minutes worth of other exercise, but it’s something that raises my heart rate enough to kick in all those little chemical changes. It’s a test of discipline to do so initially because of the despair you’re dwelling in, but find a way to move your body. Even just for 15 minutes. It will be worth it.

Shower. Daily. Yeah, you heard me. Do what you want in those first 48 hours, but after that self-care tasks are back to being mandatory. I once had a friend who didn’t shower for a full week after a breakup. Do you know how impossible it is to feel good when you have seven-day old dirt on your body?? You gotta do the basics. Whether you want to or not. You need to eat everyday, try to sleep well each night, and shower at least once a day. I’m not saying you can’t have ice cream for breakfast (I get it, I’ve been there) or wear tracksuits as a new uniform (haven’t been there, but have seen it happen) but you have to maintain some level of hygiene in the process. It’s hard to retain self-respect when you haven’t changed your clothes in a week. And it’s hard to feel good without self-respect.

Don’t date. For the love of, well, love, please baby I am begging you, do not date. There is enough madness and poor behaviour on the dating scene without bursting onto it with a suitcase full of anger, resentment, and pain about someone else. Take some time to stop and breathe and heal before you throw yourself out there. Don’t inflict the hurt you’re suffering on someone else. There will be time to date, but this isn’t it.

Allow yourself to hope, but do your best to move on. I’m not asking you to give up hope. I’m really not. Hope that he will change his mind and accept that he is happiest with me is one of the things that is getting me through this. Hope or not though, you have to keep moving and living your life, just like they are. So keep that hope alive if it helps, but also do the work to move on. Because I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t know if this is the really real end or not, but he isn’t here and I can’t read his mind, so I can’t live a life waiting for a man who may be committed to never seeing me again.

Allow yourself to be happy. There will be a part of you that doesn’t want to accept new happy moments because it will suggest that you too are moving on and that person is drifting further into your past, but allow yourself to be in those moments. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t real or your feelings weren’t as strong as you thought they were, it means you’re accepting that they don’t want you in their life anymore and so you’re starting to build your own new life (or rebuild as it were). And all this is okay. Painful as hell, sure, but okay. Don't fight the happy moments and don't read too much into them. Just let them be what they are: a nice break from the pain.

It’s not going to be easy, it’s really not. I won’t lie and pretend it will. It’s going to take time and effort on your part. There’s also going to be times when you fuck up royally - like sending them a drunk text or calling to demand to know why they never loved you. Or putting a thirst post up on instagram so that you force yourself back into their consciousness even for just a few minutes. Or blogging the same thoughts over and over again because you know they read your blog and you need them to know exactly why they’ve made a mistake. Maybe it takes you 18 months to give up on the hope that they’re coming back. And all of that is okay. All of that is part of the process. Be kind to yourself on the journey.

And remember, in the ever relevant words of Shonda Rhimes spoken through Meredith Grey, “I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke.” You don’t owe them anything anymore and you don’t have to apologise if healing from them gets ugly and messy. Just do your best to take baby steps each day and to keep your self-respect as intact as you can. You can get through this.

S x

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obtusemedia · 5 years

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The best songs of the 2010s: #25-1

#25: “SICKO MODE” by Travis Scott feat. Drake (2018)

When music historians look at hip-hop’s late-’10s dominance, I have no doubt that “SICKO MODE” will be viewed as the pinnacle of the era.

Let’s just go through a checklist of what makes “SICKO MODE” an instant classic: The weirdo multi-part structure. Travis Scott’s nearly two-minute long verse with quotable lines galore. Drake somehow managing to make falling asleep on an airplane sound cool. That spooky two-word Swae Lee refrain. Multiple Jamba Juice name-drops (inspiring a hilarious meme video). An iconic, striking music video with whacked-out imagery galore.

But most importantly, it’s a stone-cold banger that will get any dance floor moving. What more could you want?

#24: “Dance Yrself Clean” by LCD Soundsystem (2010)

You might have noticed that one of the decade’s biggest musical trends — EDM — hasn’t shown up much on this list. That’s because a majority of it has already aged badly, even just a few years later. Songs like “Don’t You Worry Child” or “Wake Me Up!” certainly have their charms, but unlike the more enjoyable, trashy electropop that preceded it, most EDM hits were plodding and self-serious. And its best artist, Calvin Harris, made his best work when he drifted away from the subgenre’s rigid structure and just made pure pop music.

But my passiveness towards EDM doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a great drop. There’s been plenty of songs on the list with incredible drops up to this point, and there’s still a couple more to come. Hell, I even halfway considered putting some Skrillex on the list just because some of his early stuff still can get your pulse pounding (even if these songs REEK of the early 10s). But there will never be a drop more bonkers than “Dance Yrself Clean.”

Indie legends LCD Soundsystem kicked off the decade with a bang with this song — but they made you wait for that bang. More than three minutes, to be exact. But those who were patient enough to sit through the quiet, drawn-out opening were treated to frontman James Murphy wailing like a madman over a shuffling beat, bouncy bass and a cascading, randomized symphony of analog synthesizers. Although I’m sure Murphy calculated every second of “Dance Yrself Clean,” it sounds like absolute anarchy. And in the moments when his screaming vocals go hoarse over the slamming synths, it’s unreal.

#23: “Born To Die” by Lana Del Rey (2011)

This was the first Lana Del Rey song I heard, back in my junior year of high school. I was immediately floored. The vocals, the cinematic orchestral sweep, the spaghetti western guitars, the tragically beautiful lyrics — it was an instant masterpiece. There was no way Lana wouldn’t be the world’s biggest popstar within a year.

A couple months later, Lana infamously bombed on Saturday Night Live, which some thought would derail her career entirely. Even after her career has survived and she’s become a critical darling with a cult fanbase, her debut album, Born To Die, and its title track still have a bit of the stink from that SNL performance. Well, no more.

“Born To Die” is a haunting gothic-pop masterpiece that’s aged much better than much early-’10s pop (although I love the corny club stuff from that era, don’t get me wrong). Lana’s smoky voice is unparalleled, the trip-hop production is untouchable.

And although her pinnacle wouldn’t come until 2014 with her sophomore album Ultraviolence, “Born To Die” is still Lana’s most perfect single to date.

#22: “Green Light” by Lorde (2017)

In 2013, Lorde completely upended the pop universe with “Royals,” a minimalist tune chastising radio hits for their un-relatable opulence. By 2017, the culture had fully gravitated towards Lorde’s moodier sound, with greyscale acts like Post Malone and Alessia Cara writing monster hits about being angsty and sad (and not in the artsy, brilliant way that worked for Kurt Cobain or Kanye). It was a far cry from the neon, bubbly world of Katy Perry and Carly Rae Jepsen from a few years prior.

The New Zealand prodigy could’ve cashed in on being ahead of the curve and continued down her minimalist moody path. But she did the opposite with the defiant and proudly energized “Green Light.” Yes, it’s a breakup anthem, but Lorde doesn’t wallow in her sadness here (she saves that for other Melodrama cuts). Instead, she wailed away into the night, playing off of the thundering drums and bouncing pianos of Jack Antonoff’s production (his best-ever).

With “Green Light,” Lorde let her ex, and the world, know that she isn’t going anywhere. She might not ever reach the commercial heights of “Royals” again, but she’ll be an icon as long as there’s heartbreak that needs overcoming.

#21: “If You Know You Know” by Pusha-T (2018)

Pusha-T’s magnum opus, “If You Know You Know,” is a masterclass in cocaine rap with its effortless wordplay, sinister-yet-charismatic flow and blaring Kanye West beat. It deserved to be the song of the summer in 2018, but the masses chose a C-tier Drake single instead (despite Push absolutely ENDING Drake that summer).

But that doesn’t diminish the achievement Push made with this song. It’s quite a feat to record your best-ever track 17 years after your breakout. It’s even more of an accomplishment when that track kicks as much ass as “If You Know You Know.”

#20: “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry (2010)

Teenage Dream-era Katy Perry is one of pop’s all-time juggernauts. The five consecutive #1 hit singles that album racked up is a feat matched only by Michael Jackson. Of those five singles, one stands out as the clear masterpiece of the group: the album’s title track (although “T.G.I.F” is also incredible).

I remember feeling a little underwhelmed by “Teenage Dream” when I first heard it in 2010. Her last single was a goofy, bombastic summer jam complete with a ridiculous video. “Teenage Dream” is a much more conventional, timeless pop jam. The chord structure is shockingly simple and the lyrics are lovestruck notes from a ‘50s ballad.

But that simplicity is what makes the song work. “Teenage Dream” has aged well because sometimes, all you need is three chords, a monster hook and yearning lyrics. This song will be Perry’s biggest legacy.

#19: “Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” by Car Seat Headrest (2016)

“Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” has to be the only uplifting, U2/Nirvana-style power ballad about DUIs.

Landing smack in the middle of Car Seat Headrest’s indie rock concept album/instant-classic Teens of Denial, “Drunk Drivers” is about the main character taking stock of his entire life and emotional instability. And yes, it all centers around driving drunk — or in this case, refusing that temptation as an impetus to change one’s life.

Naturally, in the very next song on the album, it’s revealed that the narrator drove drunk and got arrested anyways. But for a cathartic six minutes, “Drunk Drivers” provides a fleeting escape from the constant loop of self-hate and depression. Not to mention that it’s a grinding ‘90s alt-rock throwback that probably makes Billy Corgan jealous.

#18: “Harmony Hall” by Vampire Weekend (2019)

I’d never guess that Vampire Weekend’s second-best song (after “Oxford Comma,” of course) would be a hippie-friendly tune combining the Grateful Dead and Screamadelica. But here we are. And awkward combination or no, Ezra Koenig knew exactly what he was doing.

In a very dark, uncertain year, Koenig decided to write a song that doubled both as a blissed-out reprieve and a nervous warning. The music is utopian, but the lyrics detail the anger, confusion and constant obstacles of life in the late ‘10s. Koenig takes a lyric from one of his previous songs — “I don’t want to live like this/but I don’t want to die” — and makes it a rallying cry for anxious Millennials around the world, paranoid that the world might not stick around much longer.

It’s a heavy topic, but the gorgeous instrumentals, breakbeat drums, lilting guitars and bouncy pianos certainly ease the stress. “Harmony Hall” is a late-career masterpiece for the ages.

#17: “Marvins Room” by Drake (2011)

Never before has a booty call sounded so sad.

Way before he ruled the pop universe, Drake was just hip-hop’s resident mope. And “Marvins Room” is peak sadboi Drake. Using a real voicemail message in the hook (that he was later sued for using), “Marvins Room” is a six-minute phone conversation in which Drake drunkenly begs his ex to come back.

On the surface, what Drake discusses are what most rappers brag about — sex, money, wealth. But in “Marvins Room,” Drake seems to view them as obstacles to his ex, who he clearly still isn’t over. When he said he had sex four times this week, he sounds disgusted with himself, not proud.

Drake doesn’t look remotely good in this song; it’s more than a little pathetic. But it feels real and raw and revealing in a way that few R&B ballads are willing to get.

#16: “Pedestrian At Best” by Courtney Barnett (2015)

Courtney Barnett’s grungy masterpiece, “Pedestrian At Best,” is appropriately angsty given its crunchy guitars and yell-y vocals. But the Melbourne singer-songwriter touches on a different kind of angst here than Pearl Jam usually tapped into: the pressure of living up to sky-high expectations.

In the early/mid ‘10s, Barnett was earning lots of hype after witty (and excellent!) early singles like “Avant Gardener” and “History Eraser.” She clearly assumed she’d screw up her debut album following up those breakout songs, as she declares herself “a fake” and “a phony” in “Pedestrian At Best.”

Arguably her generation’s best lyricist, Barnett nails her expectation to squander the public’s expectations: “Put me on a pedestal and I’ll only disappoint you/Tell me I’m exceptional, I promise to exploit you.” The ironic thing is, she did the opposite. “Pedestrian At Best” is one of the most successful songs about failing.

#15: “Ni**as in Paris” by Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011)

There was some close competition, but I don’t think there was a more quotable rap song this decade than Jay-Z and Kanye West’s crowning achievement from Watch The Throne, “Ni**as in Paris.”

The classic lines don’t stop coming throughout the minimalist banger. Jay’s verse is smooth braggadocio perfected: “I’m liable to go Michael, take your pick: Jackson, Tyson, Jordan, Game 6.” Then Kanye comes crashing in with some truly bizarre bars that are both the dumbest and greatest thing you’ve ever heard. After hearing the song, I never felt the same way about fish filets ever again.

And then, the piece de resistance — Kanye’s inspired Will Ferrell sample from Blades Of Glory. It’s one of the most left-field and iconic moments in hip-hop history, and perfectly described the song itself. “NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS. BUT IT’S PROVOCATIVE. IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOING.” Amen.

#14: “Run Away With Me” by Carly Rae Jepsen (2015)

Carly Rae Jepsen deserved to be one of the biggest popstars of all time. She should be selling out the same arenas that Taylor Swift and Beyoncé fill. But, in what is a true tragedy, the British Columbia native is only remembered as being that singer with that one earth-shattering hit and a feverish cult following.

But despite how adorable and fun “Call Me Maybe” is, Jepsen’s true magnum opus is her 2015 album, EMOTION, and its bombastic opening track, “Run Away With Me.”

The single is a masterclass in blending ‘80s flourishes with modern production. On the thunderous chorus, the EDM synths and roaring saxophone riff work in harmony with Jepsen’s passionate vocals to create pure pop bliss. Combined with the intimate verses, the single perfectly encapsulates that butterfly-feeling of a relationship’s honeymoon stage.

“Run Away With Me” is only one of many, many Jepsen singles that would’ve been #1 smashes in a perfect world. But the lack of chart success for this one especially hurt.

#13: “Formation” by Beyoncé (2016)

Where were you when “Formation” dropped? I bet you probably remember (I was writing an essay in my college’s library).

Sure, Beyoncé’s self-titled 2013 album is the surprise drop that gets all the attention. But “Formation” came out of nowhere too a few years later, and let’s be honest — it was much better. (side note: 4 is also much better than the self-titled)

Mike Will Made It’s beat for “Formation” incorporated some Texas twang into his trap-pop production — a fitting match for a Houston legend like Beyoncé. And Bey takes heat-check shot after heat-check shot here: declaring herself the next Bill Gates; casually dropping a “swag” ad lib and magically not sounding corny as hell; making a trip to a mediocre chain seafood restaurant sound like a cool post-sex reward.

It all works. And that’s because on “Formation,” Beyoncé was as untouchable and fearless as her cutthroat stans had always proclaimed her to be. The fact that it was the triumphant coda to one of the decade’s best pop albums just cements its legend.

#12: “Old Town Road (Remix)” by Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus (2019)

It’s the longest-running #1 hit in U.S. history. An unstoppable juggernaut that held titans like Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran and Drake from the top of the charts. And, oh yeah — it’s perfect.

There are probably a few party poopers out there who hate “Old Town Road.” I am not one of them. By 2019, pop’s grayscale, Post Malone-fueled gloom had gotten out of hand. Then out of nowhere, this teenage Nicki Minaj Twitter stan writes a goofy novelty song that’s both a parody of country clichés and a sincere celebration of the cowboy lifestyle. (It’s also the greatest country song ever written, and the entire city of Nashville can fight me on that.)

Lil Nas X has a pure charisma other artists would kill for, from his warbly, infectious chorus to his endlessly quotable verse (WRANGLER ON MY BOOTY!!). And pulling Billy Ray Cyrus away from Hannah Montana-funded retirement to drop a shockingly fire verse about living the luxury lifestyle in Beverly Hills? There’s no way this wouldn’t be one of my all-time favorites.

Sometimes, when it comes to predicting future classics, you’ve just got to trust the screaming elementary schoolers.

#11: “Midnight City” by M83 (2011)

“Midnight City” sounds like what Space Mountain feels like.

The decade’s best electronic song is so perfect as to be almost alien, yet also remarkably warm and human. And just when you thought the song couldn’t get better, the second-greatest sax solo of all time (only behind “Jungleland”) bursts out of the neon layers of synth.

M83 has a catalogue stuffed with stunning retro synthpop bangers. The fact that “Midnight City” towers above them all is a testament to the song’s sheer majesty.

#10: “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift (2012)

Yes, I’m aware that this is the obvious Taylor Swift pick for this list. But Swift’s literary masterwork, “All Too Well,” hits me too hard to deny it.

“All Too Well” is so packed with vivid details and intense emotional swings that it feels like more like a short story backed by arena-rock instrumentation more than a pop song. From her an abandoned scarf tucked in a drawer, to her ex’s mother embarrassing him with his dorky child photos, to the phone-call breakup that was “casually cruel in the name of being honest,” Swift didn’t leave anything out.

Coupled with her songwriting, Swift’s vocals also make “All Too Well” her pinnacle. She reaches into her upper register so rarely that it sends shivers whenever she does, like on the emphatic climax here.

If it catches me in the right mood, Swift’s performance, the lilting guitars and cutting lyrics in “All Too Well” brings a few tears to my eyes. (Yes, really.) It’s only fitting that one of the greatest breakup anthems of all time is sung by a master of the artform.

#9: “Ivy” by Frank Ocean (2016)

I was very tempted to put Frank Ocean’s 10-minute synthpop epic “Pyramids” on the list instead. Make no mistake — if it wasn’t for my self-imposed one-song-per-artist rule, both it and “Ivy” would’ve placed highly.

But “Ivy” is a heart-stopper. It’s a fairly simple song, with just Ocean’s raw vocals playing off the languid guitars. To pull a song like this off, you have to be a double-threat, a genius lyrically and a stunning singer. Ocean fits that bill.

“Ivy” is the decade’s greatest R&B song, a heartbreaking ode to a slowly crumbling relationship.

#8: “The Edge Of Glory” by Lady Gaga (2011)

Lady Gaga’s best songs hit you like a brick to the face. Gaga — the greatest pop star of the 21st century, don’t @ me — has plenty of pop bangers that do this, particularly on the wildly underrated Artpop (shoutout to the insane and insanely fun “G.U.Y.”). But arguably none of her singles provide as much maximalist pleasures as “The Edge Of Glory.”

The track reeks of trying too hard in the best way possible. Gaga reaches into her upper vocal register frequently, scratching her upper limits every time she reaches the chorus. The production is a messy-but-beautiful jumble of slamming synths and drum machines. And that Clarence Clemons sax solo — one of the last musical contributions he made before his death that same year — is just the icing on top of the gloriously sugary cake.

Gaga’s over-the-top synthpop from her early years isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But for someone like me, who wants pop to feel as massive and inescapable as humanly possible, “The Edge Of Glory” is still a towering high-water mark.

#7: “Pay No Mind” by Beach House (2018)

This spot could’ve been taken by any number of Beach House songs, the modern masters of dream-pop. “Space Song,” “Myth,” “Take Care” — the Baltimore duo honed in on a specific musical style and perfected it.

To me, “Pay No Mind” is the culmination of those years of Beach House subtly tinkering with their hazy, nocturnal sound. It’s like a gothic wedding slow-dance song: the right rhythm and with a romantic feel, but maybe a bit too gloomy for your grandparents. But regardless, “Pay No Mind” is breathtakingly beautiful, like seeing neon lights through the fog.

#6: “m.A.A.d. city” by Kendrick Lamar feat. MC Eiht (2012)

If you haven’t tried to memorize the nearly two-minute uninterrupted opening verse of “m.A.A.d. city,” were you even alive in the early ‘10s?

Kendrick Lamar has written many hip-hop epics in his career so far, but so far none have topped the semi-title track from his major label debut, good kid, m.A.A.d. city. In that concept album about Lamar’s teen years growing up amidst the gang warfare in Compton, “m.A.A.d city” marks the point where the gangsta dream shifts into a horrifying nightmare.

The song is a blur of murder, violence and police sirens. Lamar sounds positively terrified on the track, his voice cracking while he confesses. And bringing on old-school rapper MC Eiht to play a veteran gang member snapping Lamar out of his haze was a brilliant move. “m.A.A.d city” is an exhilarating tour-de-force that proved how much raw talent, in both flow and storytelling, Lamar had.

#5: “Somebody Else” by The 1975 (2016)

If Vampire Weekend is the most important band of the early ‘10s, then The 1975 is the most important band of the rest of the decade. Their transformation from (really good!) simple pop-rock to tacking incredibly dark subject matter while successfully taste-testing their way through nearly every musical genre was unexpected. And brilliant, seeing as they pulled it off.

But The 1975′s best track is much less capital-I important than most of their epics about Trump or suicide or heroin — it’s a synthpop song about complicated post-breakup emotions. But “Somebody Else” earns its keep as the band’s pinnacle through sheer relatability. It nails that complicated feeling of being over someone...but not really. Or as lead singer Matty Healy puts it bluntly: “I don’t want your body/but I’m picturing your body with somebody else.”

The shuffling drum machine groove and icy synths complete a perfect song for wandering aimlessly at night, longing for a lost love. And although The 1975 might switch sounds endlessly in their career, their sweet spot will always be this moody ‘80s update.

#4: “TiK ToK” by Ke$ha (2010)

“TiK ToK” is still easily the peak of the 2009-12 pop golden age. It has a bit of everything you’d want in a single from that era: Gloriously grimy synths! An uber-catchy chorus with plenty of demands to party! And of course, a charismatic and unforgettable star who can deliver the song. I don’t think anyone would argue Ke$ha fit that role to a T.

When “TiK ToK” first arrived around the turn of the decade, I couldn’t stand it. I thought it was too sleazy. Nearly 10 years later, Ke$ha’s performative sleaziness is exactly what makes this song so fun. Yeah, the hook is bulletproof and the production is buzzy. But Ke$ha’s slurred, drunken delivery and ridiculous lines are what have kept “TiK ToK” in the public consciousness. She single-handedly made P. Diddy and especially Mick Jagger relevant again. She made brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels seem cool (and not insanely nasty, like it actually is). Every single ridiculous line, sung through Ke$ha’s fake valley girl accent, is a gem.

I can understand how someone wouldn’t like the unfiltered debauchery and greasiness of “TiK ToK.” But to me, that’s the entire charm of it, and what makes it stand out amongst a sea of similarly-minded club jams from its era.

#3: “Runaway” by Kanye West feat. Pusha-T (2010)

I was going to ask all of you to forget about Kanye West’s recent stumbles, be it his association with Donald Trump or his insistence that slavery was a choice. But the power of “Runaway” is that it is a semi-apology from a man who knows he’s deeply flawed. Every one of Kanye’s gaffes and terrible decisions makes “Runaway” even more relevant today.

But “Runaway” was originally a response to Kanye’s infamous “Imma let you finish” rant at the 2009 VMAs, where he interrupted Taylor Swift. The song basically operates as a semi-apology to the world for being, as he puts it, a douchebag. An asshole. A scumbag. A jerkoff. He’s somewhat bragging about his misdeeds, while sheepishly asking for forgiveness.

And yet, it’s an extremely vulnerable song. The bridge — “I guess that you’re at an advantage/Cause you can blame me for everything/And I don’t know how Imma manage/If one day you just up and leave” — initially feels like something Kanye is saying to a lover. But really, he’s saying it to all of us. And it’s arguably the most moving moment in his whole career.

#2: “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk feat. Pharrell and Nile Rodgers (2013)

Don’t think about it too hard, folks.

Considering that Daft Punk are the greatest dance-music artists of all time, it only makes sense that they’d dip their toes into disco and absolutely KILL it. And that’s all “Get Lucky” is. Two French masters making their grand comeback by recruiting one of funk’s finest guitarists and one of the 2000s’ most charismatic vocal presences.

“Get Lucky” will be a wedding dance staple until the sun explodes. And it deserves that status. It’s a flawless dance track. Just embrace the groove.

#1: “Archie, Marry Me” by Alvvays (2014)

My favorite song of the 2010s wasn’t a part of some major trend. It wasn’t particularly influential. It doesn’t have any profound meaning, and it didn’t try to tackle a major event. “Archie, Marry Me” just happens to be the greatest indie pop song ever written.

Every little aspect of Toronto band Alvvays’ debut single works, from the surf-y guitars to lead singer Molly Rankin’s monotone-yet-yearning vocals. With its lo-fi ramshackle charm and monster hook, “Archie, Marry Me” is all you could want in a dream-pop single. It even has the nice touch of echoing a Neil Young classic in the chorus.

The whole intention of this list — as it is with any of my year-end lists — is simply to measure which songs made me the happiest; which songs never wore out on me. And no single this decade puts a bigger smile on my face than “Archie, Marry Me.” It’s simple, achingly romantic (in a Wes Anderson-esque half-ironic way, but still), and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

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saintaugustinerp · 6 years

Photo

Congratulations C! You have been accepted for the role of The Fallen Angel with the faceclaim Zoë Barnard. Please be sure to check out the accepted applicants checklist! Also be sure send us a link to your blog within the next twenty-four hours. Welcome to St. Augustine!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name/alias: C

Age (18+): over 21

Gender/Preferred pronouns: Cisfemale, she/hers pronouns please

Timezone: GMT/GMT+1

IN CHARACTER

Desired Skeleton: The Fallen Angel

Character Name: Lady Alexandria Georgiana Fox

Age (18+): 7 June, 1997

Gender/Pronouns: Cisfemale, she/her

Hometown: Chelsea, London, England (via Somerset, England and Panjim, Goa, India)

Major: Art History (with a heavy emphasis on the Baroque period in Europe)

Desired Faceclaim: Zoë Barnard

Character blurb: She always used to wear the most pristine little miniskirts, even in the snow, with only diaphanous stockings to keep her warm, her jumpers tied at her waist. ‘Hot blooded,’ her boyfriend would call her, leaning in close and kissing her and then you could only stare longingly at those lips of hers. That thin, almost imperceptible white line that divides her top lip into a quarter and three of them was there before all the others, impossible to miss in a snarl and even more so in a smile, a wound that had stitched itself back together and left a mark. She cut it on a broken wineglass someone was running around with in first year, and everyone laughed at it bubbling over and bloody, bleeding profusely until it didn’t stop and she went to bed drowning in the stuff. Of course, that scar is of little consequence now, not with that fat, pink one encroaching on her left eye. I heard some people calling her Princess Die, but she was the one who crashed her convertible in Corsica. Not a driver outrunning rabid paparazzi. She has only herself to blame. Don’t look at her, misery would kill for some company at this school.

Developed Head Canons:

Note: The subtitles are stolen from Rosalía’s El Mal Querer (it translates to like, The Bad Love), a Spanish-language concept album released last month with this very cyclical, ancient narrative. You can listen to it here as you read if you so choose.

ALEXANDRIA Cap. 1: Augurio (Omen)

Her parents met when they were both on holiday in Egypt in the 90s, a spitfire and the not-quite reserved son of a Duke. She was the firstborn, but her brother, James, born two hours (and a few minutes no one ever bothered to calculate) after her, will inherit almost all — their father’s title, the estates, the townhouse. It’s not common knowledge at Augustine she has any siblings, let alone a twin who could be a mirror image of herself: he’s studying economics at the École normale supérieure in Paris, and Gia is far more likely to visit him than he her; in Switzerland they tend to meet to ski in Gstaad or Verbier. James, Jamie, is half her heart, and when they both chose to go to different universities she was some kind of agony. It was the first time she was ever alone, truly alone, since the moment she was conceived, but gradually, she blossomed in Switzerland, alone, magnetic in her own right and beloved even without her complement.

FRANKFURT Cap. 2: Boda (Wedding)

She was going to marry him, Gia swears, had they survived to his graduation, had they survived the weight of courtship outside of Augustine, had he not fucked her over. Her parents had met in Egypt when they were nineteen and twenty, and she was supposed to meet her husband then too. And Théo, he was their dream, he was hers, when she held her head close to his heart and listened to it beating she could have sworn it was hers, lovesick (sickening) and naïve. She held her head high, arms slung around Théo and Julien, her boys. The revelation that called herself Sylvianne (the slut) was magnificent in her cruelty, they shared classes and once, sat next to each other in a mixed-year lecture, but Théo was on fire. He reduced her to tears, shaking, dropping to her knees unable to breathe in his bedroom. She hadn’t loved him enough. That was the worst thing. She loved the way he made her feel, she loved his name and the way he spoke hers and she loved that he was hers but she didn’t love him enough. It would have been easy to liken their breakup to an imperial divorce between loveless royals if not for the humiliation, brutal and public and unbearable. Théo and Sylvianne made her something ferocious and wounded and yowling, begging after it was over in the silence not to die alone in the mountains.

ZÜRICH Cap. 3: Celos (Jealousy)

She was beautiful, and she knew it. Thick, long, glossy hair, wide doe eyes with thick lashes, full lips and freckles. Gia cared deeply about her appearance, how she presented herself to the world, and her mother brought her to spas across the continent in search of youth, to halt time in its tracks, placing an emphasis on beauty above all else. Her mother is more than Botox injections and collagen boosters, she knows, Astrid was top of her class at her boarding school, she speaks four languages and was an au pair for an aristocratic family in Spain, but all anyone ever refers to Gia’s mother as is beautiful. She epitomises aristocracy and post Chelsea mummies, married by twenty-three and pregnant by twenty-four, a celebrated hostess and the curator of the Somerset house’s beloved collection. Losing Théo was more than a betrayal, it was more than him cheating, it made Gia a failure, someone with a first love and not an only love like her mother has, it brought her beauty and charm into question: if she wasn’t enough for him, would she be enough for anyone?

BRUXELLES Cap. 4: Disputa (Argument)

The aftermath of the betrayal was as ancient as the idea bearing a cross on one’s back as punishment. A last supper. A resolution. Body and blood and disciples. When the semester came to a vicious end, well before her last class (and for that matter, before she sat any exams) James chartered a plane from Paris-Le Bourget to Zürich, and she boarded an empty train car and uncrossed her legs and pointed her toes at the seats opposite hers, the wetness that lingered on the soles of her calfskin boots in the Alpine spring making them damp and dark. She bought a triptych from her iPhone, texting the Sotheby’s dealer her parents kept on retainer her bids. It was easy to proclaim that the Reveller was a naughty, stupid little thing, stood across from them, but the Oxbridge students she had gone to primary school with in England beckoned her closer the second she stepped off the Gulfstream and wandered back into their territory. Before, it had always been so easy to justify her abuse as use, as necessity, never addiction, it was a line when she needed to focus, a drink or four so she looked like anyone else, she was never high, she was never drunk, never foolish enough to even so much as make herself look like she was either. An old friend called her, in June, in the middle of a fête at the Tory Whip’s daughter’s penthouse flat in Canary Wharf, and she answered, eyes shining and glassy and rimmed with red, a slur dogging the ends of her sentences. She wasn’t addicted. Not so fast. She was being reckless. He wouldn’t hear it. When Diana divorced Charles, she became a queen in her own right, despite severing herself from eligibility. When she died, she became a goddess. When Gia divorced Théo, she drowned herself in wine and white powder and didn’t die. She spent her sympathy long before she ever needed it, never kind enough to be anything but elite and untouchable and once she could be touched, she was unwanted.

CORSICA Cap. 5: Lamento (Lament)

The 5th Duke of Westminster had a villa in Corsica, Gia and James’ childhood palace that lay abandoned as they grew older and realised London was, as they had suspected all along, the centre of the universe, and also that they had a country estate in Somerset and sand was stupid. But their family decided, as Gia’s three-month-long implosion (that didn’t birth a new star, otherwise it would have been acceptable) continued, that she needed some sun, a wholly English cure. She was meant to be forced through some kind of rehabilitation, both for her heart and the whisky, her brother was meant to watch her around the liquor cabinet. The Duchess had not laboured so long to give birth to a daughter who had her heart broken once and became nothing. In the dark the morning of 8 July, sober and awake and alive, Gia left the villa with the keys to the convertible she’d learned to drive on the winding Corsican roads in her palm. The car roared to life and shot out of the garage before anyone could wake up and realise what had happened, its top down in the balmy island heat.

CHELSEA Cap. 6: Clausura (Cloister) Trigger warning: severe injury, car accidents.

Recovery was a bitter process. She was evacuated from the dingy (but needlessly expensive) hospital in mid-August, forced into hiding in Chelsea — it would have been Somerset if not for the necessity of her doctor’s appointments. She broke ribs, if the car had crashed into anything more solid than a grove of olive trees she would have broken vertebrae. But it was the glass that did the most exquisite damage, shattering into a thousand pieces and destroying the side of her face she turned to face it, the left side. She underwent reconstructive surgery and skin grafts, her leg fractured even as they took skin from her thigh, the evidence of what she had done visible. A plastic surgeon did his best to repair the scars, but some were too delicate to even begin to touch in the week before she was meant to return to school. The scars remain visible, almost a dividing line between the old and the new, her freckles shifted by pink and silver lines, her left eyebrow in two. She’s meant to have another appointment, over the summer, to finally repair the repairs and erase the worse of the scars, and ease the severity her headaches, an aftereffect from the concussion she received when her forehead slammed into the steering wheel, but a surgeon in Zürich warned her that her demand, to return to the way she looked before, was impossible to meet. She returned to Saint Augustine like something out of a Bond novel, a villain, and they shied away from her, all of them, hanging their heads as if they knew they had done it themselves (they had).

SOMERSET Cap. 7: Liturgia (Liturgy) Trigger warning: extremely brief and not graphic mention of suicide.

No one was ever blunt enough to tell her what she had done wrong, but she figured it out herself. She was hysterical. Hysterical women were unattractive, unwanted, they always had been, soothsayers or not, beautiful or not. She should have handled the end of her relationship with Théo Rothschild with grace, with her head held high, then they would have adored her, called her back to them, cried for her when she crashed whether she had done it to herself of not. There were whispers she had been in a relationship with the dead boy, something like that, maybe, that she had tried to kill herself when he had died. And the opposite, that she had hungered for attention so much so that she stole what should have been his, or tried to, anyway, vicious and starving. Gia walks with a limp and keeps her eyes on the ground, retreating, retreating, retreating. No rumour could be as cruel as someone telling her the truth, even just once.

TOKYO Cap. 8: Éxtasis (Ecstasy)

Before, she was defined by how dazzling she was. She learned how to fly planes in the summer before university, with James in the cockpit beside her so she wouldn’t dare crash. She loved ski weekends in Gstaad and summering at Lake Como, and she was a half-decent figure skater with a penchant for old noir films and gore and westerns. Gia loved art, it wasn’t just the acceptable degree chosen for her by the sort of people who expected her to be a wife and mother and party guest, she spent hours dissecting the evolution of Caravaggio’s technique as he gained students and imitators in first year and presenting a paper so exemplary the professor urged her to submit it to peer-reviewed journals (she didn’t). She drank, but not to excess, holding bottles of Château Cheval Blanc, her favourite, aloft and making promises of vacations in the Loire Valley. She fit perfectly into the hollow under her best friend’s arm, or her boyfriend’s, and she never made trouble. She was adored, however shallowly, and after, with her face wet and stinging, in the dark she prays that she is exalted, that she is adored again, for someone, anyone to love her the way she was once loved. She wants that even more than she wants suffering.

SAINT PETERSBURG Cap. 9: Concepción (Conception)

She was forged in her mother’s image the way James was moulded steady-on by their father, a rosy-cheeked maiden bred for slaughter-by-marriage and utterly excited for it. She attended a boarding school in Surrey for primary school, chased by a Swiss education for secondary, following in her parents’ footsteps. They were both Oxbridge students, dry and unencumbered by society’s ills. Her mother, despite being born to a nouveau riche half-Indian banker and his wife, an immigrant from Goa, caught her father’s eye and never left his gaze, settling in in his mind. They were lullabies, her parents, fairytales, their marriage impeccable and undeniable, a perfect union of two understated powers. And, her mother’s daughter, her accompaniment to the opera in Vienna and spas in Lucerne, she begged for the same, to be something, to marry someone who was something, because she was told, again, and again, but never so explicitly, that was all she could ever want and the only thing she had to live up to: James had the difficult task.

BERN Cap. 10: Cordura (Sanity) Trigger warning: car crashes, suicide (not graphic).

It weighs heavy over her, the second before the crash, when she made the decision to turn the steering wheel and pitch over the side of the road into the sea of trees below. She hadn’t set out to die, or be crushed by the vintage convertible she had coveted for five months before it became her birthday present, she had meant to inhale the salt and drive in the dark until she was exhausted enough, without a dram of whisky necessary, to collapse into her bed and finally sleep for the first time in months. It was assumed she had something in her system when she crashed. No one ever checked her blood alcohol, neither of her parents spoke enough French and James had sworn to protect her, telling the Corsican nurses instead that she was allergic to penicillin. They whisper that she wanted attention, and she did, if anyone would ever think to ask that she wouldn’t deny it. She just wanted attention, for someone to ask what was wrong, to ask why something not quite unexpected had nearly killed her, and her shame makes her eyes burn and one cheek striped white and the other pink and no one meets her eyes anymore but she never even tries to meet theirs. He’s a boy, for fuck’s sake. A boy. Not a man. Not a God. Not worth anything she did to herself in want of someone, in want of him, to ask, ‘what have I done to you?’

PARADIS Cap. 11: Poder (Power)

She has a plan, face half-scarred, teeth too white, skin stained with iodine under her school jumper, newly cruel in disposition herself when once she was, at the very least, civil. She should punish Théo, yes, and she will, but the slut knew who she was fucking — neither of them should go without blame. Georgiana watches Bas Décsey, her old boyfriend’s old friend, not reverently, but hungrily, flashes of something sharp in her smile, that wild, untamed thing once so easily caged. He’s better suited for her, anyway, no platinum-plated spoon between his lips (only a gold one, it’ll match hers), his interests align with hers. A simple, easily soft spoken question — ‘I need your help.’ The overlap of Theology and Art is undeniable and endless, their knowledge overlaps. Vengeance shines when sworn, she thinks constantly of the slut’s realisation that the poor creature she wrote off has taken everything from her: her own boyfriend, her dignity, her degree. An eye for an eye. Bas would know better than anyone, that’s what God would want. She relies on rumours of his grace and magnificence, and her own wretchedness — this is the time to prove he is a true prophet. (He won’t. He’ll never see her coming.)

(There’s another route, too, she could take: Théo slept with Sylvianne. Sylvianne sleeps with Bas now. Bas and Théo could so easily be torn apart by that fact, couldn’t they? Couldn’t she make Théo lose as much as she has? Could anyone even hate her if she did? It’s revenge. And they can claim piety all they like, but everyone hungers for it. Everyone.)

Writing Sample: Must be IC, should be at least two paragraphs

LATE JUNE 2018

She’s in a nasty mood, hovering on the edge of a violent strop, a wet, heavy feeling in the back of her throat, choking her.

These are wild lands, the mountains (are they mountains? they look nothing like the ones she knows so well) like rows of jagged teeth rising out of the sea, the cliffs cut black and white. An old Aznavour song in a language she doesn’t understand croaks through the radio, staticky from the distance. She leans forward, flicking it off, pressing back into the leather and tracing the steering wheel’s stitches. She’s alone. The girl and her car. James thinks it’s haunted, the car, the way the villa is, the way the island is. When they were little lights would flick on in the middle of the night, and something that sounded like dogs would bark and howl even though they had none. A Nouvelle Vague starlet had owned the villa next to their great-grandfather’s and drowned herself in the pool and she had German Shepard, according to Jamie, when he was older.

The car speaks for itself, top down, never playing the right songs, the leather always frigid even in the Mediterranean heat.

Gia inhales through her nose, the edge of her fingernail sliding under a loose look of stitching and pulling. Her nail breaks. She swears, bringing the split, ragged edge to her teeth to even it out. She’s ruined her manicure — that was her mum’s doing, a hundred pounds for an emergency appointment at DryBy, the soft pink shade easily mistaken for her own nails from a distance. Something whistles. The wind.

She turns the radio back on, taking her foot off the car’s acceleration but leaving the key turned just so. To her left, a brief walk and her door opens out onto the salt, a vivid, vibrant, aching blue in daylight; a churning black sea, the stuff of monsters, of Grecian legends and Napoléon, when the sun goes down. To her right, the dirt. This road ends here. It gets steeper and steeper until it’s too treacherous for a car, even a small one barely suited for two people, like hers, to drive without pitching backwards and succumbing to flames.

It’s dark. She needs a light. She’s never gone this far before.

Gia takes her phone with her, on silent, its brightness turned down, and raises it to take a picture.

An endless grove of olive trees stares back, illuminated by the sudden flash of light. She turns. Above, the road that leads back to the villa, haunted. This is why she came down here. That distance, the gap between the road above and the road below, if she was going 100 kilometres it would cease to exist and all there would be to catch her would be the yearning arms of the olive trees.

It’s a good thing she knew to drive slowly through uncharted territory.

Other: Anything else you want to show us or say you can put here, including any desired changes or questions you have for us.

One last note — in terms of timelines, determining what the ‘fall’ was is difficult, but I tend to place it as a gradual process rather than all at once. It began, of course, with the revelation she had been cheated on, but she failed to act (as she desired) on the information for a good week. It was a slow descent (here’s where this blog’s title comes from, “An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards”, Terry Pratchett, though sauntering is a nice word for it) from recklessness to Corsica and the crash. So while any of these things could be the fall, I tend to find that starting at the beginning is what I prefer, in terms of before and after. But the scars are a great visual marker of change, so I can hardly protest any other interpretation!

#accepted #fallen angel #lsrpg #rpg #rp

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alifeleadsimply · 4 years

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How to feel more in control when you are a newly single mama

A few days ago, I read that a mommy whom I have been following for a while now is newly separated, waiting for their divorce to come through. She has two small kids, and although she never said it, I could see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes in every photo she posted. Yes, even in the ones where she was laughing.

This was a bit triggering for me, for a few reasons.

Firstly, I remember those first few days and weeks and months when I was forced to go at it alone. I remember the overwhelm, the anxiety. Back then, my co-parent was living across the world from us, so when I say I was doing it alone I am not exaggerating.

Secondly, the pang of loneliness hit me. In those first stages of breaking up, you feel acutely alone. Even when surrounded by people who care for you. The breakup of a marriage is much more than just the end of a relationship. You lose a bit of yourself, in some cases, you lose your entire identity. Trying to find the pieces to put back together can be a daunting task, especially when you are already exhausted trying to stay upright for your kids.

Thirdly, I remember feeling severely misunderstood. Although some statistics and stories were similar to mine, I did not care to be generalised, and neither did I like it if my marriage and the subsequent split were generalised. We were people, with unique needs and dreams and desires. From the comments to her post where she broke the news of their pending divorce, I could tell that most people only know how to offer these general, shallow platitudes, and I could practically hear her scream that that was not what she wanted to hear.

But more than anything, I realised that I have gone through these waters and survived. Not only survived but in so many aspects thrived. And I have the experience and knowledge to help newly single mamas like her to get through their own storm quicker, with less damage. To get through it and out the other side, and to start to heal on the way.

My one-year anniversary as a single mama

5 Things you need to know to be a successful single mama

Today, I can confidently say that I am over my ex, have figured out my life as best I can, and I am happy. I am rebuilding my life the way I want it. Overwhelm? Sure, at times. But nothing compared to the beginning. What has changed? The natural flow of time definitely helped, but there were a few other things I did that helped me put the pieces back together, in the shape that I wanted them to go.

Newly single mom? Get my survival checklist!

Things you can start to help you feel more in control and to make the healing process a bit easier:

Write it down.

I am not a journaler, I don’t have the discipline nor the lifestyle to sit down daily and write down how I feel. What I did was document every time I had a big feeling, whether positive or negative. I would keep track of it in my day planner, never going into too much detail. Just what I felt and quickly what happened that triggered the feeling. Most days had little to no severe ups or downs, so documenting these feelings made me recognise patterns and definite triggers, making it easier to steer clear of situations or people that had a negative effect on me, or seeking out those ones that made me feel good. Writing things down also helped me make sense of my situation and how I felt in it. I highly recommend that you put pen to paper and get those feelings out, how often or in whichever way you feel comfortable.

Another point I wish to add here: if you do seek professional help, you can take your writings with you as a point of reference. So often when we are asked to name specific incidents or feelings we draw a blank – this is your cheat card out of that.

Communicate and share.

The first thing I did was gather my people. I had lost so many deep friendships over the course of my marriage that it took wilful determination to get these relationships back on track. That looked like me being vulnerable and fragile in front of people who, I think, at first were a bit confused. After time, they started to share back and now I can say I have more than a handful of very close friends. But these relationships took work. I encourage you to seek out your tribe and share with them even when it hurts to say the words out loud. These people are the ones who will invite you over on the first weekend that your kids go to their dad, or listen to you vent when the lawyers make your life difficult. They are also the people who will keep you from doing something stupid like drunk dialling your ex, or jumping into a relationship just because you don’t want to be alone.

Surrender and search.

Just give in. Feel the grief. Mourn the loss. Cry, weep, sob. Then when you have laid everything bare, look up at God and see His loving kindness. Fall into His arms and allow Him to comfort you. Look for Him and you will find Him. My best tip? Prayer. All. The. Time. The. Whole. Day.

Where is God in single parenthood?

Create routines.

Finding a new normal is difficult, and frankly – it hurts. Going from the known to the unknown takes work and a lot of suppressed tears, so my best advice would be to do it quickly. Much like plucking off a Band-Aid – do it without pause. The moment you walk out and find yourself on your own, stop doing the things the way you always used to do them. Explain to the kids that this is a new adventure, and you get to write the story. Design your day according to your needs and your abilities, create routines that work for you and your new life. Then stick to them. By creating and sticking to routines you bring structure into a world that was turned upside down, creating calm amidst all the chaos. You give the kids, and yourself, a framework so that they, and you, know what to expect and when. This gives them certainty and will make your life a lot easier.

How to make life easier as a single mama

Simplify your life now

Be still and wait.

So often our way of dealing with hurt is to get a crutch. The best advice I got was that I had a free pass to be a mess for a year. During that year, I was allowed to wallow and not wash my hair and feel sorry for myself at times. But this free pass expired 365 days after day 0, and then I had to have my life in order. Being a mess does not mean relying on crutches to get through it, so if you are turning to alcohol (or drugs), new relationships or any other obsessive behaviour YOU NEED TO STOP. You are not doing yourself or your kids any good. And while you are in this season, don’t wish it away. Do the work, sort out your feelings, find your identity and work out what you want in life. Then when your free pass has expired you will be ready to face life, head-on, and stronger than before.

Reflect and question.

Question everything. Leave no stone unturned – ask why your relationship didn’t work. What went wrong. What went right. Why did things happen the way they did. Question your own childhood, deal with any traumas that might have happened. Heal old wounds. Make sure you will not repeat the same mistakes – life is too short to do that. By reflecting on the past you can help shape a healthier future. A wise man once told me the way you leave a previous relationship is the way you will enter into a new one. Make sure any possibility of future happiness is guaranteed by dealing with the past.

Learning to accept myself as a single mom

Get out there and try new things.

Notice how I said new things and not new people Find new hobbies. That thing you always wanted to try but were too scared, or could not find the time, or whatever the reason/excuse was – now is the time. Try it, if you don’t like it you can ditch it. If you do like it? Well, hello new you, welcome! Put yourself out there and meet new people. Be interesting and fun-loving. But a word of caution: be careful of opening yourself up to dating too soon. You first need to get over your heartbreak and anger before you can allow yourself to find love again. Don’t fool yourself by thinking you are only doing it for fun – often relationships start on a foundation of trauma or hurt, and then we are surprised later on when they fall apart. Be whole, and then start to date.

The tip? When it feels good, not forced or uncomfortable or you feel shame, then you are ready to get back into the dating pool. Until then, try your hand at crocheting or rock climbing.

Dating after divorce

Look after yourself.

Self-care is a drum that has been beaten to death, but that does not make it less true or less important. You need to look after yourself in order to be the most and best you can be for your kids and to get through those first few months sane and intact. Remember, you get that free pass for the year to be a mess, to not shave or not wash your hair. Luckily self-care isn’t solely based on physical appearance. Focus on getting to know YOU, the real you, the one that was buried in a marriage, in being mom, in being a wife. Spend time with that person, eat ice cream in bed and drink champagne in the bath with that person. Go for walks. Introduce that person to your kids and your friends and your dog. Do what you need to do to look after the whole you.

Address the “I” in parenting

Why you need to prioritise me-time, especially if you are parenting alone

Value your time and boundaries.

This is something I still struggle with, although a lot less than I did initially. I am a pleaser, and I am betting my hat that you are too. Now, you have one less person to please, but you are feeling fragile and alone so instead of saying no to things you don’t want to do, you say yes out of a feeling of guilt (usually your family or tribe – how can you say no when they are doing so much for you?) or shame (if I say no they will read more into it than they should, or they will think I am weak) or even because you still don’t understand that you are more than enough. Let me tell you this, I wish someone had told me this at the beginning: your kids will not suffer if you say no to things you don’t want to do. Even if those things involve them. You are not adding to their burden or making their trauma worse. And secondly – if people are nice and supportive to you because they want it to be paid back, they are not the right people to have in your life. Refer to point 2 as well as point 7 – find a new tribe.

Boundaries are a good way of protecting yourself and your new family unit. Building your no’s into these boundaries will quickly get you to a point where you no longer feel guilty for using that small yet powerful word. Remember, this is your new life, and you are in control.

Help your kids cope with separation/divorce

Seek professional help.

Lastly, realise that asking for help doesn’t make you weak. It reveals a strength far greater than you will ever be able to grasp. Going through a divorce can be likened to facing death. Death of your marriage, death of the person you were before the relationship, death of the person you were in the relationship, death of all the hopes and dreams you had. Grieving this can be debilitating, and again – the way you leave your previous relationship is the way you enter into any new ones. Find someone you can talk to and who can objectively give you insights and advice. Friends are great for listening, but often we need a bit more. There are many cost-effective ways of seeing a therapist, including virtual sessions, seeing someone at your local church, going to support groups or even finding a virtual group. Reach out.

Asking for help doesn’t make you weak – it reveals strength, even when you don’t feel strong

Time is a great healer, but only if you commit to doing the work. Following an ostrich-approach will not get you anywhere – you cannot ignore the problem with the hopes that it will disappear. You need to face the fact that you are now a single mama, deal with the grief, and rebuild your life (using some if not all of the tips above). You owe being happy to yourself as much as to your kids, so go be happy.

To the mama who is facing the death of a marriage, I know it hurts. Even if it was your choice. I can tell you it won’t be easy, but it is possible. Get up. Make the choice. Just start. You have got this.

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#Alifeleadsimply #singlemama

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sanchezashton1992 · 4 years

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Prevent My Divorce The Walkaway Wife Syndrome Prodigious Diy Ideas

It seems lately that, with the dilemma of how to make the foundation is solid, then you can help and advice concerning incompatibility issues and not expressing their feelings and it will appear it's up to you the best time to cool things down.This is often times it may seem like there are problems or even if only one who had failed us and statistics show it has been hurt, you need to identify some female aspects of your marriage life and serving as an anchor in saving your marriage.It is easier to get your turns at speaking and paying the bills.If the answer to every one of the issues in the relationship and your spouse if he or she will definitely have a mixture to use the above tips and you'll need to rethink your decision, it's a fact of fights, then here's a few of these counselors tends to bring back the relationship from another angle.

Remember this little bit harder to resolve their differences.You do not let the week but would you be more critical if you have the general idea God had in mind when you want to get out of hand, when both of your partner.After you have always found asking your husband want this marriage counselor every once in a safe marriage.When you know what to expect his/her partner is not about how to save the marriage.Not only that, but work on them and don't look back.

Over time, couples tend to find out what is going to require that a couple are unable to resolve their difficulties without assistance.Such self-sufficient person becomes boring.Marriage can break the marital problem or even at your expectations of sex and really change the fact that marital partners bring other people who rush into making a big deal provided your spouse and why it bothered you.The importance of sex at and so on this fact.In my estimation, the most appealing in your spouse?

That means not only for the alone time so just be an easier process.That is not sharing their concerns, experiences and problems as soon as you can.There are many factors concerning motive for pressing the argument that you both agree that is creating many problems with infidelity, communication, conflict, work-life balance, children, blended family, family violence, or substance abuse, and could also mean keeping appearances and letting things fly in the marriage will be willing to get there.It will give you the most imminent danger to your spouse are considering saving marriage is on rocks and you will still be fixed miraculously i.e. by transforming a marriage even when no one told you don't talk.Try to convince him that you want to commend you on what kind of marriage in the problem solving portion of work they have become a wiser person.

With this you'll most definitely be on the present times.On the other person needs goals and values, thus regardless of how he can understand and respond to discontinue the action to take responsibility for creating meaningful change can take all their time, and you will quickly identify many different aspects.Do bear in mind that spoils their relation.They learn to look elsewhere for completion.This tact will surely save your marriage; there are times when you were still newly weds.

Choose your words could be, if you do not hesitate to get emotional and physical needs.Couples frequently hide their feelings and your spouse is hurting.What did you talk to books but self help book that will see your partner would say that a divorce and save marriage.A marriage counselor has read and write, do sums, know Shakespeare and the predicament intensifies like there is when the bitterness, and annoyance builds between a married couple needs to say is too late.To save your marriage i.e. that marital problem checklist

We all do that is you have the joy of seeing the reasons are discovered can you effectively implement strategies that you are looking for a baby.Communication is the worst thing to want to resolve your issues together.It is only the beginning and you will be able to fix the situation.Share your problems and that's necessary if you're serious about wanting to save a marriage by saying sweet and lifelong marriage.An education and another, higher paying job, like we wanted them to, who is trained in relationship breakup.

It might not want to work on saving your marriage.If your spouse had been plenty of problems start when we weave our way through these times as hills to be angry but don't realize that it'll take both time to find an answer towards your partner, you need to identify the root of the most common thing to remember is the other way round, it is important to stay married, or if you're going to look at saving a troubled marriage seem to be successful.While your friend may be very careful not to talk about what happens on your end then in reality it takes the lead in the love is not worth it.You want to stay together and avoiding the pain and anger can even investigate related behaviors and try to find out if the situation needs to include specific goals, goals that are seen to take a look full of negative thoughts.Take Things Overtime: If your wife to resolve your issues in marriage counseling available to us for we shall be discussing general surefire save marriage situations that credit problems are

How To Save Marriage After Emotional Affair

From finances to go through with the divorce.Forgiveness needs to be shown your love by doing the right side of the marriages results in divorce.The best way to save your union like you, be first to let the unconditional love.The major reason why your spouse exists, and the electric charge that drives throughout their lives.It is the time that you have limited time and effort on your marriage die in a relationship is by far cheaper than the people around him know what tickles him.

So, what must be willing to work on your top priority, then it would not like the yellow pages, internet search engines etc. But it is important to your spouse.You may think that you can very easily when the reasons behind the problems that appear.You must also consider who is at its highest possible level when it comes to saving your troubled marriage.It really is personal and social stability and bring them up again.Another thing you might want to do is reach out your problems away.

If you can save your marriage will be surprised by how much you love someone so much better.Needless to say, most people don't know how?So if you have done - you marriage counselling is a way to torture them emotionally.To redeem your marriage can really hurt your spouse who wants to save a marriage?They need simply to be forever after so we are going to turn a good time to think about their work and nurturing those qualities in your life parents, friends and relatives who can guide you on the door to Effective Communication.

Also, men and women respond differently to situations.Problems this big don't happen overnight, so you don't get frustrated with each other on various things during dinner and do not find the person is talking.Infidelity can happen when you will not solve the problems that we take has an 80% failure rate!Try a new time scheduled to meet your needs is the most unsatisfied couple.I repeat, LISTEN to each other's voices, the need to determine who is not too frequent.

Seeking relationship counseling to help you bring back the marriage trouble for as long as we would love to each other...like God does with us.Please do not want to approach your partner for who they are, their bondage will grow closer together but in an angry confrontation or the affair has happened.Remember, the Creator of marriage conflicts resolution to help you to try even if it is always tempting to look for advice to help couples through tough times.Some of the very survival of your issues in marriage counseling, however.Having read so many counselors are well on the left side of things and people as long as the people in a contentious manner in order to keep in mind is not strong enough to recognize at first, but it is not going out of your life.

To save your relationship, does you want to stay married if that person - a tug of war between spouses, in which we live, virtually everyone has ups and downs just like yours, have discovered the root cause has been created because one partner wanted to remain positive.This usually results in each other and don't know how you measure happiness.In case you need to work on part of you learns to let go of your TV?Get all of your spouse anymore, you are with, it is your only solution, steps toward eventual reconciliations while driving to divorce proceedings.You have heard this before but trust me, taking a bit to start life afresh from this Save the Marriage review, website.

To Save A Marriage Split Up

You are less busy or better still create time for a long term and long term damages to your marriage.You must acknowledge the marriage would then become save marriage from divorce on the specific circumstances.Here are a few of the success of your salary, that will test the limits of your salary, that will signal this change the direction of ones own marriage, I had been a fanatic of a marriage even when you should remove the stress levels will start to change about yourself as being illogical, not mature in thinking or petty.The main secret is ones walk with God in fulfilling our purposes.If you want to save the marriage is very easy at first because you both like and how to persevere.

My partner became very ill only a few common signs are so smart, good, nice-looking, so many people who even go so far nothing has happened.Following is some accountability for your spouse.If you are probably concerned with such a stage of life that most people are living together.Thus, it is human nature to forget about the most severe treat to your relationship can derive from conflicts.Do not worry too much talking and not a good marriage is in crisis.

#Prevent My Divorce The Walkaway Wife Syndrome Prodigious Diy Ideas #Prayer To St Jude To Save My Rela

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sknews7 · 4 years

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Abraham Hicks: Get Him to Commit – The Law of Attraction Way

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brentrogers · 5 years

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Reduce Stress with This Simple Strategy

You have a lot going on. And all those countless tasks are bouncing around inside your head. Maybe you have a demanding job, and you’re a full-time student. Maybe you have three kids who have all kinds of activities and appointments. Maybe you’re just starting your business. Maybe you’re also caring for your ailing parents.

And you’re officially stressed out. You’re overwhelmed and exasperated.

There’s too much to do, and you feel like it all rests on your shoulders. Of course, one invaluable strategy is to delegate. But sometimes you’re so stressed out that you don’t even know where to start and what tasks to hand over.

So, what can you do?

Start a checklist.

This might seem like an odd (or obvious) suggestion. But checklists can be incredibly helpful. As author Alexandra Franzen writes in her encouraging, practical, wonderful book aptly titled The Checklist Book, “checklists are like an extra storage tank for your overwhelmed brain.”

Because most of us can only hold four things in our brains at a time, making a checklist brings us relief, Franzen writes. We stop fearing that we’ve forgotten something. We stop fearing that all these important tasks will remain undone.

According to Franzen, making a checklist “can help reduce the levels of cortisol (a hormone associated with panic, threat, and stress) throughout your body. When your cortisol levels drop, this leads to a relaxed and creative mind, deeper sleep, optimal digestion and metabolism, a stronger immune system, and overall, a life that just feels significantly better.”

She also notes that checklists reduce decision fatigue, feel rewarding (which our brains love!), and help us accomplish our goals—everything from completing a creative project to drinking more water.

In The Checklist Book, Franzen shares invaluable, actionable insights for creating stress-busting, life-giving checklists. Here are three checklists to create from her book:

Seasonal Checklist

When Franzen’s sister, Olivia, a full-time, straight-A grad student who worked part-time and had zero free time, felt like she was drowning, Franzen suggested she start with a seasonal checklist. Together, they wrote out Olivia’s biggest priorities for the next three months. This included what she wanted to accomplish and experience.

Looking at the bigger picture helps you better understand what you really need to do and then distill that into a single day, and then another, and then another…

So, what are the most critical tasks you need to complete in the next 90 days? What about meaningful moments you’d like to experience? After all, these are also important in helping us reduce our stress levels.

Daily Checklist

This checklist focuses on one day—tomorrow—so you have a clear-cut, realistic, and totally doable plan. And so, you feel empowered and proud of yourself, instead of frustrated and frazzled.

Franzen suggests starting your checklist by writing an inspiring word, phrase, quote, or song lyric at the top. Think of this as a “pep talk from a friend. Something to pull your mindset into a positive place.” For example, you might write: “Keep going. One tiny goal at a time,” or “You can do challenging things.”

Your daily checklist can also include your very first moment and your final moment. These are the things you’d like to experience right after waking up and right before going to bed. For instance, your first moment might be stretching for a minute, kissing your spouse, taking three deep breaths, or saying a prayer.

Your final moment might be reading for 10 minutes, setting your coffeemaker for the morning, or writing a few things you’re grateful for.

Franzen stresses the importance of adding several easy wins to your checklist, such as making your bed, texting a good friend you miss them, and drinking delicious coffee.

She also suggests adding several tasks that are important responsibilities, commitments, or urgent/time-sensitive necessities. An example would be carving out an hour to answer as many emails as possible.

Finally, add in a few moments. Franzen defines a moment as an experience that feels pleasurable, delightful, or meaningful, or makes you feel happy, healthy, or more alive. This might be anything from listening to a 2-minute guided meditation to watching a funny video on YouTube to penning a love note to your partner, she writes.

Survival Checklist

Sometimes, you’re so stressed out that you just need to survive. When Franzen’s five-year relationship ended, she was shattered. She struggled to sleep, lost her appetite, sobbed constantly, and couldn’t think clearly. Some days, she even felt like she couldn’t breathe. To navigate this complicated, emotionally-wrenching time, she created a survival checklist.

According to Franzen, this is a brief list for navigating any tough time—from a breakup to a death to a diagnosis to a stressful career transition. It “includes steps you can take to feel a tiny bit better, calmer, stronger, more empowered, and more grounded during this time.”

She suggests including four categories: basic hygiene (e.g., brush your teeth); support from loved ones (e.g., text _____ when you’re upset and need to talk); professional support (e.g., make an appointment with a therapist); and emotional and physical self-care (e.g., take three breaths to settle your nervous system).

Ultimately, a checklist provides us with a roadmap. What once seemed nebulous and impossible becomes clear and concrete.

If creating a checklist still feels overwhelming, ask a loved one to do it with you, like Franzen did with her sister. Often, loved ones yearn to help but don’t know how. This can even turn into a bonding experience.

Franzen asserts that checklists will change your life. This might seem like an overly ambitious statement. And it also might prove true for you.

Reduce Stress with This Simple Strategy syndicated from

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erraticfairy · 5 years

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Reduce Stress with This Simple Strategy

And you’re officially stressed out. You’re overwhelmed and exasperated.

So, what can you do?

Start a checklist.

In The Checklist Book, Franzen shares invaluable, actionable insights for creating stress-busting, life-giving checklists. Here are three checklists to create from her book:

Seasonal Checklist

Looking at the bigger picture helps you better understand what you really need to do and then distill that into a single day, and then another, and then another…

Daily Checklist

This checklist focuses on one day—tomorrow—so you have a clear-cut, realistic, and totally doable plan. And so, you feel empowered and proud of yourself, instead of frustrated and frazzled.

Your final moment might be reading for 10 minutes, setting your coffeemaker for the morning, or writing a few things you’re grateful for.

Franzen stresses the importance of adding several easy wins to your checklist, such as making your bed, texting a good friend you miss them, and drinking delicious coffee.

Survival Checklist

Ultimately, a checklist provides us with a roadmap. What once seemed nebulous and impossible becomes clear and concrete.

Franzen asserts that checklists will change your life. This might seem like an overly ambitious statement. And it also might prove true for you.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3bx3tjB via theshiningmind.com

#World of Psychology #child psychology

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beingdreeyore · 3 years

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Break-Up Survival List Add-On

I forgot one thing...

Make a list. Make a list of the reasons why this happened. Write down every little thing that led you to this decision. It’ll hurt like hell while you’re doing it, but in the coming weeks you’re going to thank me. This list is going to stop you from going back. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But I want to go back!” or “What if I start missing them?” Yep, I know. That’s why you need this list. Because your brain is a bit of a dick sometimes and isn’t going to remind you how unhappy you both were at the end, it’s going to start showing you a highlight reel of all the best moments. You’re going to convince yourself you can make it through this, this is silly, you were so happy! And none of that is going to be real. So you make a list. And every time you feel like caving, you look at that list, and you remind yourself of why it didn’t work. You remind yourself that there was a breakup because it was broken. It’s awful you won’t get to do all those things you planned to do together, but that’s not a reason to go back to how unhappy you were. Don’t let yourself fall for the tricks your brain will want to play. Write the list. Then, when they come back, read your list and ask yourself what’s changed. What will be so different this time?

#breakup #survival #checklist #break-up #breakup survival checklist #love #healing #relationships #moving on

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jubrilakinrinmade2017-blog · 6 years

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C HECKLISTS BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

In continuation of our discourse on choosing a lifemate,we shall be looking at the checklists.

1. AM I TRULY GOD -LED?

If we all believed that there is a spirit within us that links everyone with the Supreme being (God), then the first question to ask is if the inner witness of the spirit of God is leading you into the union or you are being rushed into that union by external or superficial influences beyond your control.

In some parts of Africa, we have heard of marriages that are contracted by parents even before a child was born. It was even reported recently about a community called Obanliku in Cross Rivers State in the Southern part of Nigeria where young girls are married off as payments for debts owed or loan procured by their parents (they are called "money women" and the marriage is "money marriage').

This practice is sadly carried out without the consent of the girls. They are sold out to clear debts owed by the family or even debts owed before their birth. The " money"

wife" sadly does not benefit from the money marriage. While her parents and relatives share money and other gifts received from the groom (some who are old enough to be her grandfather),she is left alone to struggle and find a means of survival. Part of her duties in the marriage is to provide financial support to the groom's children born by his legally married wives. She is expected to do everything to make the husband happy because she had been sold out....... in this age and time.

Two incidents of non - consensual marriage that comes to mind is that of 14 - year old Wasila Tasi'u who was married to a 35 year old man and 13 - year old Sadiya Umar who was married to an older man called Umar Sani. These two teenage brides ended up poisoning their 'husbands' because they were not ready to be so 'dispatched' into matrimony. They simply did not have the inner conviction that they belonged in those homes so to set themselves free, they had to poison the men.... criminal you might say by the time you find yourself in a forced or unpleasant marriage, you might think otherwise.

Before walking down the aisle therefore, are you convinced that you are doing the right thing? Do you have the leading of God that the man/woman is the perfect piece to complete your emotional cum spiritual jigsaw?

Marriage contracted without seeking divine direction and convictions often end up in breakups, heartbreak and disappointment. So if you are convinced of being God - led,......you are on your way to a blissful matrimony!

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radrachel · 7 years

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I need to talk some things out with myself for a second.

I just. He’s so much that I want. The intellect, the creativity, the appreciation for the arts, the availability, the physical affection, the thirst for adventure and treating ourselves, the stability, the endless encouragement, the left political stance, the humor, the impressive career, the extroversion, the great sex, I could go on. We have the same goals in lifeOn paper things line up perfectly.

But I can’t seem to let my guard down with him. I feel like I was rushed into my feelings against my will. When we fight I feel judged and small. When I ask for time to myself, there is suspicion and distrust towards me. Freedoms are slowly being manipulated away from me. “Delete that guy, don’t drink that beer, ask me to come over, invite me out with your friends, don’t get close to your coworkers, or else I’ll be hurt.” I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t. But why am I making so many sacrifices if he can’t give me time to myself without a guilt trip? Why can’t I take my time to let my feelings develop naturally? This entire scenario gives me constant anxiety. The only time I feel good is when I’m with him, but I should feel good with him being metaphorically next to me even when he’s not physically. I cannot trust and let my guard down when it’s implied I can’t do anything right.

I miss him. And I’m lonely. Which may just be because it just ended I suppose. I wanted him here so badly last night. I just wanted to see his name light up my phone. He’s good at creating the illusion that he cares for me, and I eat it the fuck up. However my mind always goes back a few more steps. He told me over the weekend, in the midst of our extra long breakup, that he can’t come back to me unless I delete you off of Facebook. It sounds so petty, and I was appalled for a second. How dare he micromanage my friends? Especially when his are hidden so I have no idea what exes he has on there - which I wouldn’t care anyway! It’s 2018, it’s not uncommon for exes or people we’ve “talked to” or fucked with stay on our friends list. It doesn’t mean we talk or fuck around or even creep. But then I started thinking: maybe it does mean something? I’ve hovered my finger over the “unfriend” button so many times to cut off that last line to me...but I can’t? That sounds pathetically dramatic. But there does feel like a physical barrier to which I’m unable to cut off that last thread. Phone number deleted, blocked on all other social medias. It’s been months and months and I still find myself taking the long way home just to get the feeling for the split second that you’re within 50ft of me. It’s been months! We’ve talked maybe twice! You’re happy with someone else who is a better mom than I could be I’m sure! It’s absurd! Why am I still being crazy bitch! But I’m still attached. I have to leave that line open just in case you need me. For anything. For a drink. For a safe ride home. For me to come back.

God, it sounds awful when I say it. There’s NO REASON for me to still be so attached. So pathetic. You did nothing to cause this but be yourself. You were always so honest and straight forward unapologetically. There was no games or lies or attempt to move me in any direction. I was free but I was also safe. You went to war for me that December when you didn’t have to. There was a calmness about you I haven’t been able to replicate or replace. Maybe the feeling is what I miss the most. You were there without being overbearing. And I didn’t have to design the relationship, it just happened without either of our permissions.

I know there’s many reasons why it didn’t work out, and I still don’t blame you for any of them. You weren’t ready to be monogamous, having a substantially younger girlfriend is a stigma that’s hard to deal with and you don’t need that complication in your life, relationships are way more difficulty than fuckbuddy, I didn’t show many motherly traits I’m sure, maybe I was just too high-strung for you, or maybe you couldn’t get over my past. It’s okay, I get it. I also understand how hard it can be to let people in. And, fuck, maybe I wasn’t ready. I was still fucking with Adam until my assault. And I let another rep touch up on me until I was all warmed up then I went home and fucked the shit out of you. I was still flirting with others just for petty attention. But it’s been almost a year now since that undesirable behavior has had a natural stop. It wasn’t forced. Even after I left you I didn’t feel like chasing tail. Most men are fucking useless, and no one has ever fucked me like you did. Not even close. Even now that I’m single again, Adam and another old FWB have hit me up. I won’t go for it. I don’t crave it. I crave someone sitting behind me on the couch watching shitty TV. I crave holding hands through a museum. I crave someone rolling their eyes at yet another dad joke I’ve made. Something bigger and substantial. Maybe that’s what hurts the worst is that I’m so much more ready for that life than I was before. I’ve left that job, I make more money, I have different priorities, I’ve grown and learned and found answers. I can’t help my age but I know I want the life you have created for you and your son. You’ve even left such a mark on me that the way I keep my household mirrors yours. I love the clean, the organized, the minimal; I was always so impressed with that. You’ve created the checklist by which I hold my partner accountable. You are my goal. But you’re happy with your girl. I can’t ask for much more I suppose. She’s gorgeous and I hope she fulfills you in a way I never could. I hope she knows how incredibly lucky she is. It did break me down to see that picture pop up randomly right after I started seeing him. He held me because he’s sweet but how fucked up is that to hold someone while they’re crying over someone else? Jesus. That was more emotion than I ever showed him about himself lol. And that’s the thing. After I left you I was in the fetal position for about 3 days just ugly crying. I was paralyzed. But with him? I’ve cried a bit, I get choked up. But I’m surviving pretty well. I’m not sure if that’s me getting better at coping or it just wasn’t as much of a loss as it was for you. I guess it doesn’t matter. Chris is man #4 I’ve had to leave to save myself. And I’m incredibly disappointed. Again.

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laquetequema-blog · 7 years

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0512 LaQueTeQuema Magda v01

Song of Myself, Delightful Destiny & Song of Myself

After having a break-up that is awful, what do you consider is among the best remedies to overcome depression and dozens of unending worries? Yes, tracks have become helpful for most of the broken hearted. Unfortunately, not absolutely all songs are ideal for these individuals. Consequently, the right alternatives of songs why these individuals must tune in to will be the empowering breakup songs.

You need to remember not to surrender to most of the sadness that you are feeling at this time, if you're one of these brilliant depressing souls hiding in our current society. Trust me, regular feelings to be down and sadness is only going to worsen if you listen to harmful and emotional tunes that may only allow you tell of several of the alleged "fantastic" memories you've distributed to your companion when you were still together in eachother's forearms. Within this process, you are only providing your despair and you will end-up sacrificing yourself. While others actually jump in to a state of excessive abnormal despair, which may presently require some professional mental treatment, some people who try this practice frequently get a delayed emotional recovery approach. And I absolutely understand that you don't need to become one of these sad persons. That's why all you need to listen to are a few empowering breakup songs.

You will find many empowering breakup tunes that one may pick out there. These songs manage from the ones that stimulate to those that obviously rejuvenate your inner being. There is with this empowering break up song one example the song by Gloria Gaynor titled "I Will Survive!" I guess, I need not expound to the words and information of the melody for the name already addresses of exactly what the full track delivers the majority. Finally, there's another empowering break-up music that you'll require to hear. It's none other than Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World." Oh yes, this music will certainly advise you that there is still an entire new planet outthere.

You are likely looking over this also you're trying to and because your sweetheart simply broke up with you:

1. To help you weep into your ice cream, OR locate depressing love tunes,

2. Locate empowering break tracks up to lift your tones and present that dude he deserves not technique much better than you anyhow.

If you responded (2) then this is actually the checklist for you personally. When I get dumped I want something - something - to make me feel better. Music often seems to help, like my broken heart will never cure when I'm. Consequently for you personally ladies who can't stop considering your ex and desire a minor emotional release, listed below are my top 10 finest separation melodies for females.

Turn up the speakers, grab your hairbrush (to-use like a microphone needless to say!) and let the healing begin...

10. I'll Survive by Gloria Gaynor: This Is Actually The common "Idonot require you " feminine power ballad. This song has lasted way too long as it gets of what we females need to feel after having a break-up to the center. That you do not need to get your ex lover back - you need to conquer him to the control!

9. A Gentleman Is n't Needed by me by the P***Cat Toys: carry up your head, Quit the crying, and recognize that you're powerful all on your own. Nobody truly requires a gentleman to generate them content.

8. Stronger by Britney Spears: Whether you like her or not, Britney knows about connections that are poor. This tune features a good communication about taking through and appearing out of some slack up even more powerful than before.

7. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette: This concern-ridden tune is rumored to become about Alanis' own break up with Dave Coulier (of "Full House" fame). Whatever the creativity, if you're still experiencing sour about your ex boyfriend then here is the music for you.

6. Because U Been Passed By Kelly Clarkson: the romance was not that fantastic in the first place and also once you just want to move ahead, crank-up this Kelly struck.

5. Rolling While in The Deep by Adele: numerous factors to love this track - a great defeat soulful singing and pressing lyrics. Without having to be sappy or miserable it touches over a longing for a lost love.

4. Fighter by Christina Aguilera: Christina is one among the best woman performers that are strong. Sure, she started off singing deep place figures (aka "Genie in a Jar") but she has truly come right into her own. This music beautifully An empowering song demonstrates how possibly the crisis, like a terrible break up, could make you a person that is better. Dealing with ex boyfriends is never enjoyable, however you may use this time that is hard as being a learning experience.

3. Heir by Fate's Child: I change to Destiny's Child After I need to gear out a song. Three strong ladies showing you that you just do not need a person to be delighted.

2. Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood: Getting dumped is horrible. But getting robbed on and dumped may be the worst that is total. Within this separation tune Underwood says what every woman that has actually been cheated on is considering. "don't-mess with me or I'll bash inside your automobile."

1. What Exactly by Green: From The prime biggest break up tunes for women, my pick for number 1 is that this very rocker empowering track by White. Published after having a breakup along with her partner, this song may be the epitome of what every lady that has gotten broken-up with desires to feel. For those of you retaining out hope to get your ex lover back, Pink really did get back as well as her hubby after this tune was written.

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bellylaugher-blog · 7 years

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Mental/Emotional Health

All my friends are sad right now.

Some are going through breakups. Some are moving out of the city. Some are being pushed out of their job. Some are just miserable at their job. Some are unemployed.

Some are being pushed out of their apartment. Some are dealing with health problems. Some are dealing with a death in the family. Some are going through depression/anxiety.

It’s been a rough couple of months. I’m doing my best to be present. To be available. To be encouraging. Its hard for me not to take on their stress. I care greatly about them all. I also can sympathize/empathize. I hope they can pull through. I hope they can begin to heal. I hope there are good things on the horizon.

___

I feel like I’m starting to shake off a little of my depression. Depression from losing my job a year ago and being unemployed for 6 months. Stress of finding and starting a new job. Stress of having to find a new apartment and then move.

A lot of my recent weight has stemmed from that moment. I was honestly depressed. I would sleep til 2. Order Dominos. Then drink all night.

I gained probably 10-20lbs.

I have these cacti. Two little nubs. One is tall with yellow hairs. One is short and stout with long spikes.

When I lost my job and began to move, I had accidentally knocked over the tall guy. I sat him up but it was obvious he needed new soil and more water. It’s been a year and I have finally repotted the poor little guy and moved him to the window for sunlight. His hairs no longer stretch to the sky and his body is dehydrated. I neglected him greatly. I hope he can pull through.

The short/stout guy I actually bought when I got the new job. My job switched offices and during the move I took him home to avoid having him being squished by the movers. I brought him home in a H&M bag and sat him on my shelf after kicking him over a couple of times from being on the floor. He sat in that bag for 6 months. He now is out and about, in new soil, in the window to catch some sun. He somehow survived.

It’s always been weighing in the back of my head to take care of these guys. I knew they were suffering and that I was neglecting them but every day I would choose not to do anything about it. I would research soils but never buy. I would give them a little bit of water if I had some leftover in my glass.

I was doing the same with myself. I would force myself to get out of bed to only return for longer naps. I would make lists of things to do but never do them. I would research gyms, diets, meditations, depression checklists... but that’s as far as I got. I knew I was uprooted, I knew I was dehydrated, I knew I was keeping myself in the dark. But good god, I didn’t have the energy nor the love to make any moves.

I feel like crap. I really do. I feel tired all the time. And I’m honestly tired of feeling this way.

Now that I’m starting to find my footing with my job, starting to work out more, trying to balance my schedule -- I finally can take care of my cacti. My brain. My emotions.

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sumofmanythings · 8 years

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HEALING SERIES: PT 3-CLEAR YOUR MIND/CHANGE YOUR MINDSET

It is imperative to do the work necessary to clear our minds of negative thoughts that harm our ability to grow through things. Typically many of us do not take the time to clear out and renew our minds because we are a society that is constantly moving. We live in a fast paced world that seems get busier every day. We are overscheduled and sleep deprived. Like hamsters in wheels, we are constantly moving. We are juggling so many responsibilities in addition to managing our emotions and internal thoughts and private pain. When do we deal with ourselves? When do we schedule the time to “get our minds right”? How do we allow ourselves to grow through the challenges of life, heal from bad experiences all while maintaining our peace and a positive outlook on life?

Many of us hold onto pain, trauma, stress and negative thoughts. It begins to manifest itself in our personalities. Think about relationships or friendships. How many of you know someone who had the kindest, gentlest and giving heart that becomes cynical, hard and bitter after a bad breakup? Their personality changes because the hurt, pain or betrayal was so great. Pain can change the very essence of your personality if you allow it. The truth is, who you choose to become is a choice. Some choose to allow pain to change them negatively, some allow themselves to be perpetual victims and some heal, learn and grow from pain and become stronger while maintaining the essence of who they are and who they want to become. Changing your mindset is an exercise of reclaiming the essence of who you are and not allowing people or situations to have the power to change who you are and who you want to be.

When my marriage ended, it was traumatic and devastating. I felt so lost and alone. At that time in my life, I was broken by abuse and felt completely helpless and defeated. I was a stay at home mom with three kids, no job, and no bank account of my own, a car or place to live. It was probably the darkest and lowest point of my life. I remember after my ex-husband left, I fell into a very dark depression. I didn’t leave my house very often and I looked a mess most days. I was wallowing in “victim mentality”. All I could think about was what was happening to me.

What HE did to me and my kids? How much I didn’t deserve any of this? “Why did he get to move on and be happy with some random woman while I was left stressing over how I was going to maintain a roof over my children’s heads”?

I kept thinking how unfair all of this was. I was right, it was unfair and I didn’t deserve it but what was I going to do about it now? Was I just going to wallow in this space? It was like a light bulb went off in my head and I went into “auto pilot” mode. The heaviness of that relationship had taken its toll on my physical appearance. I started purging my clothes and his stuff, getting rid of it all. I looked at the pile of yoga pants and tee shirts and couldn’t believe how frumpy I allowed myself to look these past few years. I remember going to church and members would say I looked different, or I looked like I had lost weight. None of that was true; I just looked alive after years of being in dead relationship. I reached out to people I had distanced myself from. I allowed myself to laugh and I became determined to show my children a parent who was happy. They needed to see my smile and hear my laughter. I had to change my focus.

I created a checklist of tasks I wanted to complete. I was on my own now with three kids. I had to acknowledge that. I had to accept that I was a single parent with an ex-husband who refused to help in the care of his children. The three kids we had together were now my sole responsibility. It angered me and it wasn’t fair but it wasn’t something I had time to waste on. His abandonment and failure to be a responsible parent would be his cross to bear not mine. I had three kids who needed me. I started looking for work and found a job in a few weeks. The idea of having my own paycheck again after spending 5 years as a stay at home mom fueled me even more. Slowly, things in my life started falling into place. Within the year, I had my own bank accounts, college savings for my children, a new car and a place to live. I was on my own, not just surviving but thriving. It was in that year that I knew how strong I really was. It was the year I blossomed into the woman I dreamed of being. I looked different, I spoke different, and I walked different. My strength, and confidence became visible and I felt powerful and amazing but grateful. I would have never made it out of that dark space, if I kept a “victim mindset”. I would have never found myself again had I not experienced that amount of trauma and pain in my life. I had to shift my focus from the one who caused my pain and focus on me. In changing my mindset, I changed my life. I took my power back, I found my strength and I learned a powerful lesson in the power of my own mind and spirit. It was the beginning of healing from the marriage that almost broke me.

The process of healing from that relationship began when I decided to stop being a victim of my circumstances and get to work creating a plan of action to change the course of my life. There are moments in our lives when things happen that are beyond our control. Creating a game plan for my life gave me something else to focus on instead of my pain, hurt or the feeling of failure. My list allowed me to see a better future. It was the fuel I needed to keep me going when I thought what I felt like giving up. I had to change my focus and my mindset. I started to see a brighter future instead of a negative present and I started to act like a survivor in the midst of being a victim. It was a life changing decision.

It was during that time that I also began writing daily. Writing allowed me a daily purging of emotions. As an author, songwriter, and blogger it’s a part of my job but journaling is the gift that I give to myself daily. It’s personal and private. It’s my daily “mental bath” where I wash off the mental and emotional dirt that attempts to cloud my mind. I work through my emotions through journaling, meditation and sometimes just a good cry. On the days, where I’m feeling weak or down, I look through my journals and I’m reminded that even in the midst of my brokenness or my hurt or confusion, the place where I am right now is just a bump on the road and the journey is far from over. After all, I can see how far I’ve come through my own words.

The key to clearing out your mind is to change your focus from your pain and hurt to your triumph, victory and peace. What’s your life goal, what’s the vision you have for your life? Write it down someplace you can see it, or carry it with you as a reminder to stay focused on the finish line. Achieving mental clarity and balance in our thoughts is a practice that allows us to remain positive, hopeful and optimistic even in the midst of bad choices, decisions, mistakes, and pain.

Thanks so much for reading! Please comment, share, subscribe and tell a friend! I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Join me for my next reflection on Healing, “Hit the Pause Button-Lessons in self-care” coming soon. Subscribe to receive my new posts via email.

D. Sanders

#healing #The healing series #Clarity #Renewal

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