#brood saga was so dumb

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Super 053

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“Sir, why don’t we just kill all the mortals?”

So this is Universe 10′s Sacred World of the Kais.  When Goku Black showed up in Episode 49, Whis noticed something familiar about his power, and thinks it might have something to do with a Kai named Zamasu.  Also, Goku Black was wearing a Time Ring and one Potara Earring, which are supposed to be things only Kaioshin are allowed to have.  So Whis, Beerus, and Goku travel to Universe 10 to see what they can turn up. 

Goku’s mostly excited to meet Zamasu so he can fight him.  On the way over, Whis explained that Zamasu was once a Kai of the same rank as King Kai.  You know, the one who tells all the jokes.  But Zamasu’s aptitude for martial arts earned him some promotions, and now he’s an apprentice under the Supreme Kai of Universe 10, Gowasu. 

I’m a little unclear on how this works.  Like, I don’t think Zamasu is like the Assistant Supreme Kai or anything, although he does appear to be the logical successor if Gowasu suddenly died.  Still, he seems more like the Assistant to the Supreme Kai, sort of like how Kibito attends to Shin, the Supreme Kai of Universe 7.

Let’s talk about Gowasu a bit.  He’s the older, yellow guy in the middle.  While he’s perplexed by Beerus and Goku’s presence here, he’s not sweating bullets like most of the characters who meet Beerus.  Nor is he outraged by Goku’s irreverent enthusiasm, the way Zamasu is.  He just sort of rolls with all of this.  Which might explain why he still hasn’t figured out Zamasu’s true nature after all this time.

So Beerus and Whis explain the whole Goku Black situation to Gowasu and Zamasu, but they’re careful not to mention their suspicions about Zamasu in particular.  They just claim to be visiting every universe and checking to make sure their Time Rings are accounted for.  But Zamasu has never heard of Time Rings, and he’s clearly never met Goku either.

So after showing Beerus and Whis all his Time Rings, Gowasu notices Goku still pestering Zamasu for a match, and he commands Zamasu to spar with the big lug already. 

See, before the U7 guys showed up, Zamasu had been saying some disturbing things about the futility of mortals in the universe.  They live, they fight, they die, and nothing ever changes, so in his view, it’s kind of cruel to allow them to go on in this way.  Wouldn’t it be better if we just... I don’t know... scoured them from the face of creation?  Gowasu hears this kind of rhetoric and tells Zamasu to spend more time watching mortals so he can develop a greater appreciation for them.  And this encounter with Goku seems like the perfect place to start.

Meanwhile, back home, Trunks meets Krillin’s wife and daughter, and learns that Krillin married 18.  She teases him about killing her counterpart in his timeline, but apparently she doesn’t care about that very much.

So Trunks goes outside to brood, and Mai watches him from a distance, and Pilaf and Shu watch her watching him.  They try some dumb bit to get Trunks to notice Mai, and I’m not going to go into it because it sucks and it takes like eight minutes to get through.  Future Trunks doesn’t get it, and Kid Trunks tries to play into it, which isn’t what Pilaf had in mind, but then again, fixing up Kid Trunks with Mai seems to be the same outcome, right? 

This whole Kid Trunks/Future Trunks/Kid Mai love triangle sucks ass, and not just because of the age differences between the characters.  They just keep shoving this down our throats in every episode and it’s dumb as hell because Future Trunks seems completely oblivious to romance as a concept. 

Hey, let’s focus on the one cool thing about this arc, and that’s Super Saiyan 2 Goku.  Mmm-hmm.  Just look at him.  I don’t know why they were so obsessed with SSJ2 when they made this story, but I’ll take it. 

Seriously, the Zamasu Saga is a bag of moldy dicks, but at least there’s one bright spot to it.

Gowasu is stunned to see a mortal with such incredible power. Not only is Goku fighting on Zamasu’s level, but he’s actually surpassed him.  Then Beerus says Goku fought him recentl, and that blows Gowasu’s mind.

Zamasu loses, and he has to swallow his pride and be sporting about it, mostly because Gowasu would be displeased with him otherwise.  Satisfied, Beerus takes his leave.  Once they’re on their way back, they agree that they’re on the right track, even if there are still some unanswered questions.  Zamasu’s ki is very similar to Goku Black’s, but it’s not identical.  And Zamasu seemed to know nothing of Time Rings or Goku, so how could he possibly be involved in any of this?

As for Gowasu, he’s pleased that Zamasu’s scuffle with Goku has taught him some humility.   Zamasu agrees that he has learned a great deal from all of this. 

Well, to be specific, he’s concluded that mortals are even more dangerous than he ever thought possible.  Before, he just found them pitiful and revolting, but now that he knows that there are mortals powerful enough to fight gods, he sees mortals as an existential threat. 

It’s a little surreal how Zamasu keeps this thought to himself.  I mean, he has to, or Gowasu will chastise him again, but I’ve just gotten so used to Zamasu making a boring speech in every scene.  It must have taken every ounce of self-control not to blab this whole manifesto out loud. Then again, I’m not sure Gowasu would do anything about it even if he did.

[archesa]

For the ask shipping ! Galaëd with Rytlock? Or Elianora with Blish?

(@dumb-dumb-mander)

Galaëd x Rytlock! Let's go!

A few things to consider. First of all, Galaëd holds grudges tight, and he'd have trouble overlooking Rytlock's "they belong to the dragon now" attitude in Maguuma. He could probably eventually forgive him, but it would take a LOT of goodwill on Rytlock's part.

In addition, Galaëd wants a deep connection with his partner and Rytlock's aloofness moght hinder a real bond from forming (yeah I know I know that comes from the guy who dates Canach! But Canach has moments of vulnerability earlier and a stronger connection to sylvari characters, forming through HoT especially)

Third, Galaëd is loyal to a fault, but his loyalty is to people not orders or armies. He is loyal to Rorschach – not to the Commander. He is loyal to Laranthir, and Lilja and Dairban – not to the Vigil. He is loyal to Trahearne and to the protection of the world - not to the Pact. And if Rytlock tries to free himself from the strict confines of the Legion, he remains a militarily at heart and that spark of chaos – the spark Galaëd found in Rorschach, or Canach, in the Terror Trio, or even in Trahearne in a way – would be direly lacking, in Galaëd's opinion. Ice Brood Saga would of course offer him an insight on Rytlock's complicated relation with the Legion, what holds him back in this life, and being a witness of his whole arc, of his strained relationship with Crecia and Ryland will shine a new light that would perhaps allow a relationship to form.

So, basically, a ship that could only sail late, if ever!

[softieskywalker]

So your Disney Luke post is absolutely correct and the way they keep whipping Luke out whenever Disney wants to bludgeon the rest of the universe into a plot they want is going to torpedo the story every single time. Luke is the heart of the story, and in the sequels having completed his Hero's Journey he is supposed to Not only embody the story's themes but rise above the failures of the past and the mistakes of others in doing so. The petty bastard in me absolutely agrees with you that trying to kill Kylo was not wrong but Mark knows Luke better than both of us and he would never do that, if he could see the good in Darth Fucking Vader he could never kill a child in his sleep no matter how alarming the vision. Anyway your post and general take on Luke has me thinking about when tlj first came out again and I'm in my feels. I foolishly defended a lot of the weirder decisions the movie took because I had thought it was going a very different direction than what it and tros ended up doing. With Rey's parents being nobodies, Kylo abandoning his obsession with the past, and that note of hope at the end with that kid with the broom everybody thought was using the force, I thought the movie was outright stating that being a Jedi and the force and Star Wars itself is not about midichlorians and special lineages and the only important people being relatives of other important people. the force binds every living thing in the galaxy and connects them and it's not special magic for the special wizards on coruscant to hold over the commoners; that was how I took Luke's dumb brooding about how the Jedi order (as it was) needed to end, and Yoda casually destroying the sacred texts, because none of it was supposed to Really matter and the dead master with his former student had both realized that. The exclusivity, the hoarding, all of that was the problem with pre-66 Jedi. I thought tlj tried to be too subtle with delivering the theme so it didn't hit right but as more and more of what was Actually the thought process behind it came out I was increasingly proven wrong and just. I dunno, I miss delusionally thinking they have respect for the original characters and trilogy. Sorry for the wall of text lol do you have strong feelings about the Solo movie?

ok so yeah I agree like when the trailer for tlj came out i was so excited i actually wanted them to take Luke's character in an interesting direction, i was hoping he was there to propose something new, but then what we got was clumsiness. i think that movie fails fundamentally in that it's trying to say something it doesn't actually believe in. who can possibly believe in the ultramodern notion of "forget the past because everything new is inherently superior"? it doesn't work in a saga that's about generations and transcendence. the point of the skywalkers never was for them to be the space Kardashians it's that they're there to represent the most human of conflict which is family and legacy. everyone in the world can relate to some degree to this conflict. it was never about Anakin or Luke or Leia or Padmé but what they represent. about fathers failing their sons and neglecting their daughters, about mothers doing ten times more and still being a footnote on the family history, about new generations dealing with complicated legacies and having to choose between forgiveness, compassion and sacrifice. it's universal. and to negate that and make a movie that says "everything you care about sucks" will never have any type of transcendence. it will always feel empty because people like to care about things!

it's so convoluted idk where to even begin but for example. the issue with Rey's parents. It was A Thing because the people who made the movies failed to understand why Vader being Luke's dad is important. It's not important because it's a mystery, because it's not, it almost comes out of nowhere. it's not important because it gives Luke any type of status, on the contrary. it's important because it starts to erase the line between light and dark, between good and evil, between right and wrong, between "us" versus "them." how can I be better when i am one of them? how can they be worse when we're the same? how, if we're the same, did he get to that point? how can I avoid falling down the same path? it's important because it completely changes Luke's worldview. he can't even look at himself in the mirror the same anymore. so then, what did Rey believe about herself, about the world, that knowing her parentage (skywalkers, palpatine, nobody) would change? honestly? nothing. we never really know what her convictions and beliefs are. so why does it matter if they change?

i think that beyond differences in ideology, star wars shines when you can see it was made with love. none of the sequels feel like they were made with love. they're just what disney pumped out of the movie making machine to make money and that's it. they didn't have anything to say. they didn't really care about anything beyond profit. and star wars, a story about a boy who saves his family and in consequence the entire galaxy by choosing love over greed, can never and could never be done well by people who only make more out of greed.

oh and i actually liked solo i thought it was alright. not the best not the worst. definitely better than tlj for me. didn't deserve to flop as badly as it did.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Hi! As someone who’s literary opinion I really trust, I was surprised that you’re a twilight fan? I know almost nothing except commen knowledge things about that series, and I always assumed it was actually bad/un-feminist. What is it that you like so much that others seem to miss? I’m just genuinely curious about your take on the hate it always seems to get vs. it’s actual quality. I’m not gonna judge bc animorphs is also one of those books where you see it and assume it’s bad.

In over 14 years of loving this series, I’m not sure anyone has ever asked me why I enjoy it instead of simply trying to convince me that I’m wrong to do so.  So thank you for that.

First and foremost, I love the Twilight saga because of the vivid detail in Stephenie Meyer’s writing style.  The descriptions are so lush and dense with sensory information that you can practically bite down on them as you read.  Bella and Jacob aren’t just sitting on the beach; they’re sitting on a gnarled log of driftwood, worn smooth at the top from where so many Quileute teens have sat upon it during bonfires but still uneven enough to rock on its branches when Bella suddenly stands to rage at her own mortality.  Meyer describes that log in Twilight, so tangibly and with such economy of detail, that we recognize it immediately when Bella and Jacob return to that spot in Eclipse.  I’ve always disliked the movies, because I’ve always felt that the best part of Meyer’s writing simply did not translate well to the screen.

Secondly, I love the feminism.

Okay, let’s take a quick pause to let everyone gasp and clutch their pearls over me calling Twilight a feminist work.  I will address the criticisms later.  For now, please just hear me out.

Twilight strikes me as a premier example of what Hélène Cixous means when she calls for “women’s writing,” or writing for women, about women, by women, with a strong focus on the concerns and strengths and desires of womanhood.  This is a series about building and maintaining close relationships, both romantic and platonic.  It celebrates beauty, and love, and care.  Bella moves to Forks because she recognizes that her dad is lonely while her mom is quite the opposite, torn between family priorities.  She doesn’t simply subsume her interests to those of other people, but instead actively chooses how and when and where to express her love for her birth family and her found families.  Most of the other major decisions throughout the story — Alice “adopting” Bella, Carlisle moving the family to Alaska, Jacob becoming werewolf beta, the Cullens going up against the Volturi, etc. — are motivated by care and devotion for one’s family and friends.  Even the selfish or morally ambiguous character choices are shown to be motivated by love.  Rosalie tells Edward that Bella died because she genuinely thinks it’ll help him move on.  Victoria creates an army that nearly destroys Forks because she’s avenging James.  Alice abandons Bella and the others before the final battle because if she can’t save her entire family, then she’ll settle for saving her lover before letting him die in vain.

Not only is there a striking concern with love and care, but there’s also a strong commitment to avoiding violence.  Bella’s eventual vamp-superpower proves to be preventing violence and protecting others, an awesome character decision that I’d argue gets set up as early as the first book.  She lives in a violent world — this is a YA SF story, after all — but she has the power to suppress violence and create peace, both in herself and others.  I was already sick of “power = ability to inflict damage” in YA stories well before I knew the word “patriarchy.”  Twilight was one of the first books to convey to me that power could be refusing to do harm in spite of hunger or anger, that power could be shielding ones’ family, that power could be about building enough friendships and alliances to have an army at one’s back when facing an enemy too strong to take on alone.

Closely connected to all of that love and care, I love how much Twilight is about navigating teenage girlhood.  Is it empowering, intersectional, or all-inclusive?  Hell no.  Does it still dare to suggest that a completely ordinary teenage girl could have valid concerns about the world?  Yep.  The main conflict of the story, as Stephen King so derisively explained, is about the romantic entanglements of a teenage girl, and the book therefore has no literary merit.  (To quote my dad’s response: “Bold words from the guy who inflicted Firestarter on the world.”)

There is, indeed, a lot of romance in Twilight.  There are a lot of clothes.  Alice and Rosalie especially spend a lot of time on makeup, and hair, and choosing the prettiest cars and houses.  Twilight embraces all the stereotypically “girly” concerns of adolescence, and makes no effort to apologize for or condemn them.  Bella isn’t particularly good at performing them — she likes but doesn’t excel at shopping, fiercely defends her ugly car as ugly, hobbles through prom on crutches — but she can still enjoy the feeling of being pretty in a sparkly dress while dancing with her sparkly boyfriend.  And Twilight, like Animorphs with Cassie, takes the daring step of treating that feeling as valid.

Speaking of sparkles, I love the commitment to the fantasy concept in Twilight, including the myriad mundanities that Meyer brings with that commitment.  If you have super-speed, why not use it to play extreme baseball?  If you’re a mindreader with a clairvoyant sister, why wouldn’t you two play mental chess games?  I couldn’t tell you, after seven seasons of Buffy or eight of Vampire Diaries, what Spike or Damien or Angel or Stefan does all day when not brooding or lurking in the bushes to creep on human women.  I can tell you what the Cullens get up to.  Emmett and Rosalie work on their cars, usually by holding them overhead one-handed.  Carlisle and Alice read plays, and sometimes talk the whole family into home Shakespeare productions.  Edward and Carlisle debate theology, Emmett and Jasper have dumb athletic competitions, Edward and Esme play music, Alice manipulates stock markets, the twins go shopping online, etcetera.  The Cullens feel real, feel like the vampires next door, in a way that Louis and Lestat simply do not.

To get to the elephant in the room — I just described Twilight as a feminist text! — let’s talk about the other thing the Cullens do for fun: they have sex.  Weird sex.  Kinky furniture-breaking sex.  Sex that Emmett (who would know) compares to bear-wrestling.  These books suck with regards to queer representation, but they are sex-positive.  They feature an old-school Anglican protagonist offering his daughter-in-law a medical abortion.  They treat Edward’s desire for sex only within marriage and Alice’s desire for sex outside of marriage as both being valid.  Like I said, not groundbreaking, even by the standards of 2005, but still more than most teen novels do even today.

There’s a passage from Breaking Dawn that people love to pull out of context as “everything wrong with Twilight in two paragraphs” because it describes Bella waking up the morning after sex with bruises on her arms.  That moment is shocking out of context, to be sure — but in context, it’s the end result of an in-depth consent negotiation that lasts four books.  Bella says that she’d like to become a vampire.  Edward says okay, but only if she spends a few more years living as a human and considering that choice.  Bella says okay, but only if Edward, not Carlisle, becomes the one to turn her.  Edward says they can use his venom, but that Carlisle, who’s an MD, really needs to supervise the process.  Bella doesn’t love the idea of Edward’s stepdad cockblocking what’s supposed to be an intimate moment, and so agrees only on the grounds that she gets to have sex with Edward as a human first.  Edward’s hella Catholic, so he requests that they get married first.  Bella’s super horny, so she demands that the wedding happen within six months.  Edward says that he might hurt her during sex, and Bella says that she wants a little hurt during sex.  They marry.  They bang.  During the banging, Edward makes every effort to be controlled and courteous and gentile, while Bella goes wild and crazy.  The next morning, she has bruises and he does not.  Edward apologizes, but Bella’s actually really into it.  She spends a while admiring her sexy vamp-marked self in the mirror, touches the bruises many times, and reminds us yet again that Bella Swan’s whole M.O. is being a monsterfucker.  Her kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

To be clear, I think there are other aspects of the romance that get criticized for good reason.  Edward does not negotiate with Bella before sneaking into her room to watch her sleep, and he does make unacceptable use of their power differences when he thinks she’s in danger of being mauled by werewolves.  The text condemns Jacob’s “don’t wanna die a virgin” ploy to manipulate a kiss out of Bella, but not the wider conceit of all the male characters as possessing uncontrollable urges.  Bella’s struggles to adjust to a new town feel very feminine and realistic; her amused tolerance of Jacob’s and Mike’s sexual harassment as the price for their friendship does not.  Werewolf imprinting might be mostly platonic, but that doesn’t make it okay for Meyer to depict it as a form of soulmate bonding that happens with child characters. Those are good points, all around.  I just wish that most of them didn’t come up in the context of post-hoc rationalizations for loathing the femininity of a feminine text.

I’m not calling Twilight an unproblematic series.  I’m saying that it gets (rightly!) criticized for appropriating Quileute culture, while Buffy’s total absence of main characters of color and blatant anti-Romani racism are (wrongly!) not remarked upon. I'm saying that I’ve been told I’m a misogynist for liking Twilight but not for liking James Bond.  I’m saying that there’s a reason people tend to go “oh, that makes so much sense!” when I let them in on the fact that reactive hatred for “Twitards” started and spread on 4Chan, later home of Gamergate and incel culture.  I’m saying that Twilight depicts problematic relationship dynamics as sexy — but then so do Vampire Academy, Blue Bloods, Supernatural, Vladimir Tod, and Vampire Diaries.  All of which take the time to stop and thumb their noses at Twilight, smug in the superiority of having vampires that fly rather than vampires that sparkle, and for thoroughly condemning teenage girls for being girly while continuing to show men inflicting violence on them.

After all, as Erin May Kelly puts it: “we live in a world taught to hate everything to do with little girls.  We hate the books they read and the bands they like.  Is there anything the world makes fun of more than One Direction and Twilight?”  No one has ever called me a misogynist for liking the MCU, in spite of less than a third of its movies even managing to clear the low-low bar of the Bechdel test.  Because people are still allowed to like Harry Potter in spite of its racism, or Lord of the Rings despite its imperialism.  Because hatred for Twilight was never about its very real sexism, or the genuinely silly sparkle-vampires, until it had to justify itself as something other than hate for everything that teenage girls have ever dared openly love.

I enjoy the novels, and I enjoy the fan fiction that tries to fix some of the problems with the novels.  I appreciate the extent to which Meyer has elevated fan culture, and made an effort to acknowledge her own past mistakes.  I would love to be able to talk about my love for the series as a flawed but beautiful work of literature, but for now I’ll settle for asking that the world just let me enjoy it in peace.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Riverdale should have been a Disney show

Riverdale should have been a Disney show. There I said it. I'll admit the first season was fine Great even. Self-contained with an intriguing mystery and you waited at the edge of your seat for what will happen next. But then... Part of the problem for me is because I've read the original comics since I was a girl. I still do get some from my mom, and the way they have changed the characters just bug me.Betty used to be the girl next door, always hopeful, smart, trying to figure out the mystery. And it was perfect that she was a reporter because Betty was always someone who valued honesty so her being the roving reporter was perfect. And her taking pills for anxiety or some sort of disorder was also a nice take because she does take on so much, and tries so hard to help and be good and nice and perfect. All the stress. Archie was also great in the first season. A bit horny, but he means well, and he truly is an average American boy so his big trouble of choosing between music and football. He's a klutz and sometimes his plans go sideways but he means well, he's all for family and Riverdale and school spirit. None of this whole Red Hood/semi mafia/wrestling nonsense. I actually really liked their take on Veronica, she still a bit materialistic and thinks she can depend on her wealth to get her out of trouble but I do like their take on trying to be enterneauripal and working to act less high class society girl as she was used to. 

Jughead, I'm conflicted with. Because he's good I guess as a brooding, investigative journalist he's good. It fits the setting of the show. But I do have a soft spot for him as the sane man to Archie. Going about his business, surprisingly philosophical. And you can't forget the most important attribute to him. His love of food! I miss that. Like the one scene in season 1, I forget what exactly but basically he ordered burgers and when Cole Sprouse just protectively held the burger to him...such a nice touch. That sort of guy I can see as a DCOM. The genius ditz I guess it's called. But he's not dumb. He just prefers napping to being awake. 

Now the others...omg.I have a bone to pick when it comes to the other characters in Riverdale. Josie and the Pussycats-- they are such lively musicians who solve crimes, sometimes in space. ABsolutely wasted here. Melody barely had any lines. And they didn't have Alex or Alexandra Cabot which was such a shame. I know, I know they're in the new Katy Keene show but having them be step-siblings who used to date is wrong and weird and bad and no! Stop having the twins in these shows with vaguly incesteous feelings. It's weird!

Kevin Keller, all his storylines revolve around his bfs or lack of bfs or how much he wants a bf. The Kevin of Archie comics was so much more well-rounded. He was head of ROTC, he was class president, he ran marathons, he was Veronica's bff, he was a reporter. He had an appetite to match Jughead's. He even had a brief crush on Jughead! He was so much better than this sham. He was confident in who he was and did his best to help others feel good about themselves too because he knows not everyone is lucky to come out as LGTBQ in a supportive environment. 

Reggie. I think not giving him enough of an arc in season 1 really backfired because if he appears, it's only as Veronica's arm candy. Which is a shame because he is a good contrast to Archie. A bit richer yet a cheapskate. Thinks he's a casanova, loves being the class prankster. A modern day politician with his sweet words when all he cares about himself. Basically like 

Yet he has his hidden depths with his neglectful workaholic parents and jealousy of Archie's popularity. Cheryl. Omg Cheryl. They have ruined you here. I'm sorry, I do NOT find any of her lines iconic. It's like she swallowed urban dictionary and a gothic novel and came out all jumbled in a google translate. She may be abused but the way she still treats others like shit and gaslights her gf and makes everything about her is just...ugh!!! OMg, comics Cheryl is actually fun and iconic. She's as rich and pretty as Veronica and unafraid to use it. She wants to be a star like a modern day influencer. She's a red-haired Sharpay Evans basically. 

Also Jason, her twin whom they sadly killed off. He was also fun like a meaner, snobbier version of Reggie. But with a huge crush on Betty which I think could have been used to milk such drama. 

Polly also got hit badly. She was a good older sister. She was a reporter, and inspired Betty's enviormental-feminist activities. A sane person. Not a cult worshipping cuckoo. Toni Topaz, ah she was so good in season 2 and then they made her Cheryl's arm candy. Alas. I liked her as a friend to Jughead. In the comics, she was his equal in food contests. That's no small feat. She was cool, and joined Betty's band and... she was her own person. Remember when Toni used to be a photographer for the South Side paper. Yeah. Basically Toni as a 3d character with personality. Please return. 

Dilton. Oh Dilton. Once the smartest person in the Archie universe and they turned you into a survival freak to get killed by the gargoyle king. Or whomever. I just remember he got killed somehow. Honestly, they should have stuck to smart Dilton. They need a smart scientist there, cuz no one is using their brains in Riverdale. 

Chuck. They have done you SUCH A DISSERVICE! So so bad. Chuck was a good person! He was a cartoonist, and a basketball player and Archie's friend. (Yeah, that's right Archie has friends in the comics. Even though Riverdale makes some effort to show Archie and Jug's bond, they're mainly consorting with their gfs. In the comics, they had guy nights. Reggie, Chuck, Kevin, Dilton, Moose. Come on show. Friendships are just as important.) And what did they do, make him a lying scumbag, turn him good and then have him arrested because of what Cheryl did! No, no no. Bad writers. Just no. Ethel Muggs. You have also been wronged in season 3. Making her a crazy freak. Ethel in season 1 was nice. Ethel in the comics is nice. Plain but with a good heart even though she had a slightly obsessive crush on Jughead. Here, making her cult worshipper.... smdh.  Okay at this point I know I sound like a bitter, bitter person complaining how it'S nOt liKE tHe cOmICs. But hey, I admit season 1 was good even if they changed the characters a bit. It’s just that I watched Riverdale because of the property it derived from. Because of the comics. At the least I expected some faithfulness to the characters. Not make them all so inconsistent and crazy. 

It's just the writing is so inconsistent! The plots hop around and so do their moods. Bughead and Choni broke up for one episode and then they got right back together. Even though they had VALID reasons to break up. Nope. That made fans mad. So they had to get back together. Ugh. And Archie got attacked by a bear and was so traumatized that he broke up with Veronica because "he's changed" for like two episodes before forgetting about it and going back to Veronica. Oh which brings me to the ridiculous "love triangle" of Archie/Reggie/Veronica where she couldn't choose. Please, Archie and Veronica were reuniting and planning to go run away for a weekend together. Reggie was completely forgotten until he walked in on them. And Veronica couldn't decide because she loves them both? No, she didn't. She may have felt bad to tell Reggie but it's not because she loved him. Forgetting a guy so quickly...yeah great proof of love. Horniness maybe. But her indecisiveness makes her look bad. Don’t tease a will they, won’t they when the answer is so obvious.  If you're going to do something like that, you should have there be something called CONSEQUENCES! They can get back together but at least wait. Wait 8 episodes at least so they can have character development. But who am I kidding. Character development is not the goal of this show. The character's just move because the writer's want them too not because it fits their personalities. Such as Archie's grieved reaction for baby Teeth in season 3. 

Not only do I have no idea when (the ridiculously named) Baby Teeth appeared, much less why Archie or I should care about his death. But sometimes the show juggles too much. Too many characters. Too many plots. It's all so ugh!!! So my final thought on this is... Riverdale should have been a disney channel sitcom. Archie comics are about family friendly entertainment and sometimes imparted lessons... well so does Disney. I get the appeal of having Riverdale reach a new teen generation, but from what I can see the only big thing Riverdale on CW is that it allows alcohol and gartituous sex scenes. 

Which is another small gripe of mine. I can handle sex scenes (hello Magic Mike XXL) but so many at such inappropriate moments too It's like that scene in an action movie where they suddenly kiss when they should be running for their lives. No teen is that horny all the time. Plus there's always less is more. If one kisses so much it loses the meaning. If you think your shirtless Archie is going to distract me from lack of plot haha. No. Plot and consistency still sucks and shirtless Archie does not make it better.

But Riverdale as a Disney show can work. After all the comic stories are a bit formulaic. It's all high school hijinks. And all the characters fit an archetype. Archie, the protagonist. Veronica, the fashionista. Betty, the reporter. Jughead, the slacker. Reggie, the class clown/bad friend. Cheryl, the Sharpay, Kevin, the sane one. And if people want a season long story arc with dramatics, Disney can actually handle it too. After all they had the mysterious "threat' lurking in the background of My babysitter's a vampire season 2. Or the Juliet and Mason saga of Wizards of Waverly Place. And if people want adult situations, look on to Jessie. Rewatching an episode now, there were so many adult jokes and references that flew over my head so they could sneak those in. Heck, Disney channel is infamous for all the innuendos they manage. And they handle consistency. Cody and Bailey broke up in Suite life on deck, they actually stayed broken up for a good half season. Gabe matured from a prankster tween to teen in love in Good Luck Charlie. Actions have consequences, characters grow. Storytelling 101

And the best part is they don't even have to think too hard for the plots of the week. They literally can build on stories from the comics. All 80 years of it. And I have put some examples right here from my own Archie comics. Like Veronica literally being the fashion police. 

Veronica and Cheryl teaming up + rolling around in their money. 

Cheryl changing the Cherry Blossom Festival to the Cheryl Blossom Festival 

Archie doing his classic Valentine's Day mix up

Veronica and Betty buy Cheryl’s maid service when her father forces her to get a job. 

Jughead and Trula (Jughead's nemesis & psychoanalyst in training) get amnesia and become friends. 

A boy dares to change Veronica

Jughead falls in love with the lunch-lady 

Betty and Veronica pretending to be distressed damsels to get Archie's attention (it backfires) 

Toni and Jughead foil each other in a food eating contest. 

Betty's cast causes more pain to other students

Reggie dates Cheryl (for real) 

Reggie helps Kevin dress for the dance and his mystery date 

Riverdale Shore. 

Cabot vs Lodge

I think all this pretty much illustrates my point. Archie comics equals Disney sitcom all by itself. 

[klutzymaiden123]

So I finally finished Midnight Sun

(After literal months of putting it off 🙈)

Surprisingly, I actually really enjoyed it. I really thought it would be a drag (since we’ve already read the same exact story), but Edward’s perspective is such an interesting spin. Bella as a character is much better told through his eyes, we get to see more of the Cullens, and honestly, we get to learn more about vampires in general.

There’s a lot more details added, like Alice’s vision of her future sisterlike friendship with Bella, or even Edward’s past, and they were all little nice insights to them as characters.

However, while the beginning of the novel as well as the end were really well written, I felt like the middle seriously dragged. Like, that was where I had the biggest problems getting through it. It honestly felt like Smeyer herself was losing interest at this point and was just getting through it to get through it, which I understand but yeah, it kinda carried over into her writing. I picked up interest again in the meadow scene, mostly because it felt like she had picked up interest again, but it then stopped as soon as the scene was over right up until the baseball scene.

And also, the writing style felt so weird. Like, it felt so jolted, so seperated, like there were sentences between that were missing, which prevented everything from flowing together. Strangely, this wasn’t a thing in the flashbacks; everything felt fine, it felt normal, and the sentences flowed into one another perfectly. So yeah, that was also something I noticed that I didn’t like.

Oh, and the misogyny.

Okay, so I’ve defended Smeyer before because honestly, I didn’t like giving the Twilight saga crap for its implications about women because the world was, quite frankly, completely different back then. Feminism is now in the mainstream, empowerment amongst women is at the forefront, and misogyny is getting more and more called out. That wasn’t the attitude in 2005; feminism was obviously still a thing, but not nearly close to this fourth wave we’re currently living through.

So, I stuck up in regards to its relationship with certain women because, in Smeyer’s defence, feminism wasn’t what it was like today and it was very likely she dealt with her internalised misgoyny over the years. But clearly, from reading the book, that was not the case. She very clearly still has a problem with “girly” teenage girls, which was reflected perfectly in Rosalie and Jessica.

I can understand Jessica (maybe), but why was Rosalie portrayed as nothing more then a vapid, jealous girl? She’s an adult who, yes is definitely stubborn, prideful and probably is super annoying, but homegirl has a point. I really don’t blame her for being reluctant to accepting Bella and especially getting angry at Edward.

Edward himself was kinda a bitch to her. I get being angry and frustrated with her, but by the end of the book, he’s all but severed his relationship with her. And it’s just kinda boring and typical, to write Rosalie off as someone who’s super vain and fussy and just . . . antagonistic. It’s boring, annoying and sexist. It’s dissapointing we’re still perpretuating this attitude towards women in 2020.

That being said, I did enjoy the book, especially the end when Edward’s plan is revealed. It gives the prom night between him and Bella a very bittersweet twist (and honestly makes me want to peg my book at his stupidly handsome face, the bastard).

Oh, and I liked that Bella and Edward kinda have this back and forth witty banter throughout the book. They’re both so dumb and funny, I love my kids. Oh, and Emmett. There wasn’t enough of him, we need an entire series of him and Bella, I’m never going to accept anything in this timeline until we get one.

So, yeah, those are my thoughts on this book. It’s legitmately good, has some interesting insights and revisits on these characters, fixes some problems, but doesn’t bother to fix its misogyny. Which sucks cause like, doesn’t Smeyer identify as a feminist?

But anyway, recommend the book.

7/10.

But, now that I’m done, time to move onto some books that I legitmately haven’t read before. Like—

Already finished the first ten chapters and, gotta say, I’m actually getting into the story. I think there’s a love triangle (which . . . ugh), but I hope she picks the guy I actually like instead of Brooding McBrooderson. Who broods a lot.

But yeah, excited to move onto more WOC written books. So, anyway, peace out, I’m returning to my shadowed corner on the internet!

[smokeybrandreviews]

Down with the Sickness

I’ve been out here, simping hard for Lady Lady Dimitrescu, since her announcement. It’s dumb hard not too. Have you seen this chick? Like, f*ck, man, she is EVERYTHING! Giant Vampire Mommy can choke me to death any day of the week! Obviously, I'm talking about one of the antagonists of Resident Evil VIII. I actually love everything I've seen of this game so far and it kind of got me waxing nostalgic, you know? Looking back on the franchise with an eye toward growth. We just came off those excellent REmake titles and another for IV on the way. I love these games. Great narrative, great characters, great conflict but, the main reason I've been so endeared to RE franchise are definitely the BOWs. So, while I'm waxing nostalgic, i wanted to list some of my favorite horrors so far, before VIII drops and Alcina officially f*cks up my list. Like, serious, she can f*ck me up anytime.

Eveline

Eve was a real surprise in VII. I don’t want to spoil anything but if you play through this excellent title, you know exactly what I'm saying. I’m a big F.E.A.R and Ring fan so Eve really hits those Samara/Alma vibes. There was no way i wouldn’t love this character. Admittedly, E-001 is a little cliche in the design department but more than makes up for that with how goddamn sinister she is.

Crimson Head

Crimson Heads were introduced in the RE Gamecube Remake and what an addition they turned out to be. A Crimson Head is the transitional stage between a regular zombie and a Licker. This in-between form is a f*cking nightmare. They move faster than a zombie and are easily the hardest regular creatures to kill. Like, they’re straight up immortal. Unless you burn them alive, they’ll just pull a Tyrant, lay down for a while, and get he f*ck up to continue rendering your fleshy. I kind of love them! Also, motherf*cker looks pretty dapper in his little suit, don't it?

Alexia Ashford

The Younger Ashford made one hell of an entrance, didn’t she? the way she just sauntered in wearing that gorgeous, body hugging, slip of a dress, only for it to burst into flames, revealing her true, monstrous, form. I wasn’t on board for Veronica until Alexia showed up and burned up my heart. Its a fine game, don’t misunderstand, but I'm an RE2 guy. Veronica didn’t feel like that. It felt different and, more importantly, that narrative felt disjointed as f*ck. Plus, the art style was gross. Like, how is the Bandersnatch a f*cking Tyrant? F*ck all of that noise! And then there was Alexia. All was forgiven.

Verdugo

Similar to my position on Veronica, i didn’t much care for IV. This was the turning point for the entire franchise and we’d have close to a decade of straight up Michael Bay-ish schlock because of this one title. I didn’t particularly care for the action oriented nature of this particular title, but I'd be lying if i said i didn’t respect it. I mean, this game is gorgeous! These character designs are too dope and the Verdugo is one of the best in this game, if not the entire franchise.

Regenerator

Man, f*ck these things, man... The only things worse than these f*ckos are the goddamn Iron Maidens. F*ck them, too!

Mr. X

There are SO many Tyrants on these games. They went from a staple boss to borderline mascot and i kind of love it. There is a litany to choose from for this spot; T-001, T-002, T-A.L.O.S, Thanatos, the Ivan, that disgusting Bandersnatch i mentioned earlier, but it’s a particular T-103 that caught my eye. F*cking Mr.X. This sumb*tch, man, gave me straight up panic attacks. Like, you don’t even understand the fits this f*cko put fourteen year old Me through. Then, fast forward twenty years, and he’s even worse in the REmake! Nemesis will make an appearance ion this list shorty but REmake Mr. X is every bit OG Nemmy was and more. I straight up fear quit the first time this gargantuan beast came running for me. Like, that was it. I just watched a play through Haven’t touched the game since

Nemesis

Oh, Nemesis, how our relationship is SO complicated. REIII came along and installed the first tidbits of action horror in to the franchise. It didn’t go heavy like IV but it definitely forced in those QTEs. Back when this game first dropped, i thought they were pretty interesting. Now? Not so much.  That said, the Nemesis is a f*cking beast! Mr. X kind of made me sh*t my pants but that original Nemmy? Bro, f*ck that guy! Nemesis is one of my favorite creature designs in this entire franchise. I’m partial to the second form original, the one that’s all malnourished with the tentacle arm, but the REmake designs are pretty cool, too. Even it it had that weird, broken, nose.

Lickers

If not for G, the Lickers would be my favorite creature in the entire franchise. The second you see this beast crawling on the ceiling in that classic, Nineties poly, CG animated cut scene, i was in love. And then it immediately decapitated me. What can i say? It was love at first sight. Lickers are a f*cking problem. They always have been. Brilliantly designed, brutally executed, and wonderfully endearing. There’s a reason it as the main antagonist of the first RE film and not, you know, an actual Tyrant.

G

G is, for me, the absolute pinnacle of Biohazard design. I love everything about this straight up unit. All of it’s forms. All of it’s ferocity. Just, all of IT. I’m particularly fond of the Third Form. That thing has been my favorite since i first beat the OG REII, way back when. I even had the action figure. It was wonky as a f*ck but, for the time, did the character justice. I yearn for Hot Toys or Mezco to take a crack at it with modern tech, That f*cker would be terrifying, especially using the updated, REmake model. THAT G? holy sh*t! I don’t know how you improve upon that first design but those madmen over at Capcom sure the f*ck did. Holy sh*t, i love G. I love it so much, i named one of my novel antagonists after it. Similar power set, too.

Admittedly, this list is Umbrella Saga heavy. That’s mostly because i only really like the first four games and by four i mean I, II, Nemesis, and Code Veronica. VII was dope and VIII looks amazing, but i didn’t much care for IV while V and VI were complete dog sh*t. I didn’t like anything about those two games. At all. They came out during Capcom’s weird, Americanization, period during the PS3 era and it shows. Resident Evil is about survival. It’s about working with what you have on hand, what you can find, to bust some zombie ass. You’re never supposed to be an action star, you’re supposed to be a survivor. V and VI completely forgot about that. Also, all of their BOWs are butt ugly and not in the cool or unnerving sense. VII went a long way to fixing that while VIII, with the prominence of Alcina and her Brood in all of the advertisements so far, looks to push that envelope even further. I don’t know how many of these new monstrosities will make this list in the future but, so far, they’re are quite a few.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #211: ... By Force of MIND!

September, 1981

THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH!

Oh hey, Dazzler, Hercules, Black Widow, Moon Knight, Angel from X-Men, Yellowjacket, Black Panther, Tigra, and Hawkeye?

Are you joining Captain America, Wasp, Beast, Thor, and Iron Man as the new Avengers?

Is this going to be the next biggest roster since the Korvac Saga?

Possibly! Jim Shooter is back and he was the guy behind that story.

Jim Shooter is very back, something the creative credits make sure you don’t miss.

“Joyfully welcome back long-time star Avengers scribe, me, Jim Shooter -- ‘cause I’m writing these credits, and, also I’m the boss!”

Charming. Non-facetiously.

It has similar energy to the ol’ Stan Lee introductions. And is probably just as much a pretense. Eh.

So the story “... By Force of MIND!” starts in the Avengers conference room.

And penciler Gene Colan sure has interesting ideas what that should look like.

We’ve seen the Avengers’ conference room a couple times in various books. They tend to have a grand conference table with assigned chairs?

Look at this one from Avengers Annual #10.

Or the one just as recently as last issue #210.

Pretty big overall. Suitably grand.

But the conference room has apparently been redecorated because it looks different. The personalized chairs are still there.

But the table is puny. It looks like the Young Avengers table at Thanksgiving. Set up off to the side for all the kids. Its dinky. It doesn’t look like all the Avengers can fit around it.

Which possibly supports Captain America’s point when he decides that the Avengers roster needs to be trimmed down to only six.

All those people on the cover are going to be really disappointed to hear this.

Captain America: “The Avengers have a habit of playing for high stakes! I believe that a lean, close-knit group is better... stronger!”

Beast goofs that they’ll need explosives to dislodge him from the team.

Also, there’s a trapeze on the roof of the conference room. Why. I mean, I know why. Your acrobatic characters need to be casually acrobatic at random times or they’ll be bummed out. But also why.

Wonder Man isn’t as bothered. Even after all this time on the team, he doesn’t feel like he’s ever really belonged here doing this hero stuff.

Vision and Scarlet Witch are selling themselves as a package deal. You get both or you get neither.

Captain America gives the Avengers some time to rest and think but they’ll reconvene at 1600 for the new roster announcement.

So there’s 9 people in or adjacent to the Avengers. Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Beast, Jocasta, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Wonder Man, and Wasp. Three are gonna have to go.

All of this possibly getting fired, gives a pretty dour attitude (except for Wasp who doesn’t seem very concerned and probably doesn’t have a reason to be. Would you want to tell Wasp that she’s fired? I wouldn’t). Beast decides to lighten things up.

By causing problems on purpose.

So Beast bounces through the crowd of Avengers, jostling them all, and stealing Wonder Man’s glasses. Who hates having his glowing eyes show.

Scarlet Witch: “What on-- !? Beast! You crazy -- !”

Beast: “Moi? Crazee? Begging your pardon, mademoiselle witch. I am merely, how you say... playful! So, like gimme some space to be a jerk in, you know? Okay?”

At least he knows he’s being a jerk??

And then he runs off with Wonder Man’s glasses, goofing all the way.

Wonder Man: “Come on, you lame-brained blue-furred buffoon!”

Beast: “Hmmf! I’ll have you know, sir, that I am a highly intelligent blue-furred buffoon. I hole a dozen PhDs! I speak fifty-three languages... but I tell you, I don’t get no respect! Wanna hear me say ‘eat my dust, jocko,’ in Latverian?”

In the face of all this buffoonery, Wasp still doesn’t really care.

She decides the done thing is to go get her hair done for the big meeting. And sure this is short notice but she’s Janet Van Dyne. She’s going to have a movie starlet’s appointment bumped for her.

Scarlet Witch reflects that maybe the reason Jan isn’t worried about the possibility of being cut is that the Avengers aren’t her whole life. She has other stuff going on. A husband. A fashion line. The fabulous existence of being Janet Van Dyne.

Jocasta comes and tries to ask Vision for advice. Even after her big focus story, she still feels like an outsider. And she doesn’t have a life outside the Avengers. So unlike her brain donor Wasp, she is very worried about getting kicked out.

Jocasta: “You’ve learned to fit in, even though you’re a robot, as I am. Please... help me to...”

Vision: “I beg your pardon, Jocasta. I am a synthezoid, not a robot! As such, I am a perfect meld of computer microcircuitry and living, synthetic flesh! In all ways I am a fully functional man! I have a wife -- who needs me now! I cannot help you with your dilemma.”

And then Vision peaces out of this conversation by flying through the ceiling. Even though he’s going to join Wanda who is in an adjacent room. Ya weird, Vision.

You’re also massively unhelpful whenever anyone asks you for advice.

This is fully the second time Jocasta has asked him for advice. At least he didn’t trash the room in an angst ‘I DON’T HAVE FEELINGS AHHHH I MISS WANDA’ tantrum this time.

Jocasta is left alone. Which basically sums up her time in this book. Poor, poor robot. She’s so lonely she goes off on an existential soliloquy right outside Vision and Wanda’s room. Which is a bit passive aggressive. But hey. Superheroes.

Jocasta: “Are you truly so much different, Vision? So much better than I? I know that my voice rings metallic... but yours is cold hollow and emotionless!”

“I have built-in sensors! I can see! I can hear! I can feel! I function well enough? Don’t I? Don’t I? What does it take to be alive?”

“Does it take warm flesh? Am I merely animated because I am made of metal? I did not choose to be what I am!”

“I am what Ultron made me! Ultron -- the evil robot nemesis of the Avengers! He made you too, Vision -- reconstructed you from a long-dead android body! Both of us rebelled against his evil! Both of us sided with the Avengers!”

“Why, then, am I less than you? Is it because you are loved... and I am alone? Ultron... loved me...”

;__;

Poor robot lady.

I do wonder why the Avengers have been so indifferent to her presence. She did come to them during a chaotic moment in the team history. Vision was based on Wonder Man who wasn’t on the team while Jocasta had to coexist with Wasp from day 1.

There’s also that while both she and Vision are angsty robots that turned against Ultron, Vision (despite his famous “even an android can cry” moment) tends to be more performative with his angsts. He sulks. He broods. He smashes furniture.

Jocasta sits quietly and sadly in the background. Makes tentative stabs at companionship but backs off without ever causing a fuss. Different socialization rules for the robot genders possibly?

The good news is that modern Jocasta has learned to assert herself a lot more. She’s been a delight in the Dan Slott Iron Man book.

Anyway. Hopefully that line about Ultron doesn’t foreshadow anything. Its going to be really dumb if Jocasta brings back Ultron because the Avengers treat her with all the attentiveness of the fridge (although she may still legally qualify as one depending on how much of the Henry Peter Gyrich’s nonsense has stuck around).

Time for a sudden, drastic tone shift!

Beast exits stage Avengers Mansion, pursued by Wonder Man.

He hides up a tree like a rocket belt isn’t something Simon has or the ability to jump hella high.

But Wonder Man takes neither of those options. Instead he karate chops the tree down in one stroke. Which is impressive but I imagine Tony Stark is going to be annoyed. That tree was part of the landscaping!

Not expecting this, Beast falls out of the tree complaining that cutting down trees is illegal in New York. Wonder Man catches him and takes his sunglasses back.

Beast: “You grabbed me! But nobody’s fast enough to do that!”

Wonder Man: “People think I’m just strong! Everybody forgets that I have instantaneous reflexes and blinding speed! To me, the world looks like its moving in slow motion!”

I feel like if Wonder Man was Actually Fast all along, he’s not been getting much use out of it, considering how often he takes dumb hits in fights.

And then Wonder Man hurls Beast into the sky.

Like. Really high into the sky.

Beast: “omigosh! omigosh! omigosh! He’s nuts! He’s crazy! He’s -- who cares about him?! I’m dead! He killed me over a crummy prank! For stealing his glasses I get to end up as a blue blotch on the street. My girlfriends won’t recognize me! I can’t look! Wait a minute! This is serious! This is for real! I’m falling at hundreds of miles per hour! Nothing can save me! I’m really going to die! Like this?! I’m going to die like this?! NO!”

Wonder Man: “Relax, Beast. You’re in good hands with Wonder Man!”

Beast: *Whuff*! You -- you caught me! But that’s like catching a bullet.”

Wonder Man: “Told you I moved quick!”

Beast: “thanks. You’re a decent guy for a common ruffian, Wondy!”

I mean, he also threw you straight up, Beast. Is it so impressive that he caught you?

But with the disproportionate response to a prank by making Beast think he’s going to horribly die, Wonder Man sort of apologizes and says he’s going to miss hanging out with Beast.

See, Wonder Man isn’t going to hang around hoping he gets to stay on the team. He’s actually decided to quit. As has been Wonder Man’s thing for a while, he just doesn’t enjoy the superhero life.

He’s always struggling with insecurity and dislike of throwing himself into deadly danger a dozen times a week.

In fact, he wasn’t too broken up when Henry Peter Gyrich kicked him off the team. Back when he got super into the idea of becoming an actor. He even said at time “If I can get used to playing roles on a stage - maybe I’ll feel more comfortable in my role as superhero!”

Except, as we saw in the Shadow Lord/Berserker two-parter, Wonder Man hasn’t gotten used to playing roles on a stage.

And we’ve seen that his Avengers responsibilities are getting in the way of his acting opportunities. So. Not a surprise he’s going to leave the team as long as the roster is being rearranged anyway.

Wonder Man asks if Beast likes that superhero life of facing death all the time.

Beast: “Frankly, I never really actually considered the possibility of dying... until a minute ago. But think of the fun, glamour and girls, Simon! This is the life!”

Wonder Man: “Is that stuff really enough for a guy as smart as you, Hank? The way I see it being a hero doesn’t make you a person any more than having power makes you a hero.”

Beast: “Yeah. But pigs make good pork chops so I’m staying!”

I’m not really sure what Simon is getting at here. I think its something about finding yourself?

As the time for the meeting draws minutes away, Completely Normal Doctor Donald Blake arrives at the mansion by cab. The cabdriver wondering what a guy like Blake is doing at Avengers Mansion. This Completely Normal Cab Driver is tempted to snoop but goes naw!

If he had snooped, he may have seen Completely Normal Doctor Donald Blake turn into the Mighty Thor and head into the mansion.

Here’s a funny thing, Thor claims that the reason why he talks to himself so much is out of protest that there’s just not enough heralds in Midgard to tell people how cool he is.

Thor: “Thus, the mortal facade is stripped away -- and thus, once again Thor treads the Earth! Thor, god of Thunder, Prince of Asgard! Thor, son of Odin! Bah! That the son of Odin must so proclaim himself -- ! Are there no heralds about? Nay... never when thou needest one! Unannounced, I enter this Earthly ‘mansion,’ poorer than the least dwelling in Asgard!”

Thor also wonders to himself that if he is chosen to take part in the new Avengers roster, will he choose to remain with them? One presumes he has a lot of Thor business going on. That’s why he left the team back when Moondragon was temping with them. She convinced him he was slumming by hanging with the Avengers.

OH. MEANWHILE. That Completely Normal Cab Driver?

He is seized by a strange compulsion. He parks his cab in an alley, takes off his clothes and -- MOON KNIGHT?

Inside, the Avengers are assembling for their meeting to find who is fired or not. Except they’ve decided to give the rinky conference room table a pass and are instead sitting around in a room with even fewer chairs and a table less conducive to holding a meeting.

Lateral move.

I’m wondering whether there was some miscommunication between writer and artist or what.

Cap tells the Avengers to find a place to sit (when there is only one visible chair) when Jarvis interrupts.

Moon Knight has shown up and demands to see the Avengers. And the automatic defenses that should have stopped him seem to have been switched off.

Moon Knight insists that the Avengers summoned him. That he was forced to come to the mansion. Which comes as news to the Avengers.

And then a whole bunch of other superheroes show up claiming that they were also forced to come here.

Hi Hercules, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Angel, Yellowjacket, Dazzler, Tigra, Black Panther, and Iceman!

So that explains the cover.

Wow, a cover that didn’t even lie!

There’s a hustle and bustle of the various superheroes complaining about being here because they had better things to be doing. Black Panther is late for a meeting to speak with the UN Security Council!

And Dazzler complains because its too cold to sit next to Iceman. And Iceman is just like ‘it be like that.’

Oh and Tigra seems to decide to get in some impromptu yoga. Don’t know what the deal with that is. But cats be like that sometimes.

Moon Knight sees all these heroes here and comes to the conclusion that this is some weird Avengers membership drive. But he is very not interested in this!

Yeah, I don’t know that a mysterious vigilante who mostly operates in the shadows would be a good match for a public superhero team.

Cough.

Iceman too is like sorry but I’m not into the hero stuff. I was on the Champions. I did my time!

So he and Moon Knight turn to leave. Iceman saying he’s going to need to find a cab and Moon Knight clearing knowing that he’s going to be picking up that fare.

But when they get near the door, the two freeze.

I realize that Iceman is involved so I mean that they suddenly stopped moving.

And they get super belligerent at each other and start fighting. With Iceman expositing about his skills. Which is normal for a comic. But seems a bit weird in the context of whats going on.

Iceman: “I feel compelled to explain how my X-Men training helped me to get the most out of my mutant ability to freeze the moisture in the air!”

And he freezes the ground under Moon Knight’s feet so he slips like a doofus.

But when he goes to finish the fight, Iceman’s head suddenly starts to hurt. Which he says is like someone else is in his head with him. He can’t think clearly enough.

While Iceman is distracted, Moon Knight throws some of his moonerangs at Iceman who blocks them. But neither can continue as the pain in their heads incapacitates them both.

Yellowjacket: “Wait a minute! I know who must be behind this! That arrogant self-styled g-- *uhh*”

And Yellowjacket freezes in place, as if in a trance.

The Avengers are concerned but Angel suddenly starts flying around the room, saying he can’t resist, he just has to flyyyyyy

Which apparently offends Tigra for some reason. Some mysterious reason. How mysterious.

Angel: “The Angel’s in the air! Watch me do my stuff!”

Tigra: “So, you think you’re pretty special, huh, Wings? Well, you’re just another bird to Tigra, the She-Cat -- and cats eat birds!”

Angel: “Sounds wild -- ! But you’ve got to catch me first!”

Tigra: “I will Bird-Man! I will -- with my nice, sharp claws! And, once I do, I’m plenty strong enough -- to tear your precious little wings right off!”

Eeeeeeeeesh. Well that’s retroactively a sore subject. Angel has his wings badly injured during the Mutant Massacre storyline and they end up amputated, sending him into a depression. And then stuff happens stuff happens, its his college roommate Cameron Hodges’ fault, Apocalypse gives Angel metal murder wings.

But in the here and now before that series of events, we must assume something similar to the sudden antagonism between Moon Knight and Iceman.

Something weird is going on and stating out loud that you’ve figured out what just gets you put in a trance.

Of course, I know what’s going on because I peeked ahead so I’ll just go ahead and tell you its M- *uhh*

Hahah, just kidding! Can you imagine, though? Anyway, its Moondragon.

She’s lurking behind the Avengers watching them watch this nonsense. They don’t notice her because she’s decided she doesn’t want them to. Until she does.

But before that, hey, time to call out Beast.

Beast: “Hey-- ! That’s not a costume! Tigra’s for real! She’s like a cat ... covered with fur -- like me! I should be thrilled, I guess... But instead, I find it vaguely unsettling!” 

Look, furries can’t judge furries for being furry. Its the law.

Anyway, Moondragon lets the Avengers notice her and they turn around and go ‘oh ffs its Moondragon’ more or less.

Moondragon: “I sensed your need for order... for organization! So I returned!”

Iron Man: “What?! What right do you have to interfere?”

Moondragon: “Why, divine right, naturally!”

You may not like her but you have to admire her confidence.

She recaps her backstory a bit, including her belief that she’s Actually A Goddess of Mind. Because she was raised by the demigods of Titan and she’s super psychic.

I’m not sure how super psychic. I don’t think she and Jean Grey, for example, have ever locked horns. And Jean Grey is kind of the byword for super psychic.

She’s at least psychic enough that she gave Daredevil his vision back. I think that’s psychic?

I do wonder how Moondragon stacks up on the Grey scale. But not enough that I want that kind of dick waving contest between the Avengers and X-Men. There’s enough of that already.

So after explaining how great she is the Avengers basically react with ‘oh ffs, we did not miss this’ and ask what this has to do with this circus.

Moondragon: “Come now, Iron Man! Who better than I to bring order to the tangled affairs of this company? When last I left this august assemblage, my status was still Avenger-on-call -- meaning that I would aid you in times of dire need! I am needed now! -- And so I am here!”

Iron Man: “Swell.”

I think I’ve actually missed her advanced state of arrogance. Or maybe I’m just charitably inclined to her because she and Phyla-Vell got back together and alive in the current Guardians of the Galaxy run.

Anyway, Hawkeye has not missed her advanced state of arrogance and decides to peace out. He’s got an actual paying job to do and he’s late for work because Moondragon dragged him out here.

Moondragon tells him he can go. FOR HIS FATE LEADS HIM AWAY FROM THE AVENGERS FOR NOW!

Hawkeye: “Baldy, if you’re so hot why couldn’t you figure that out without dragging me across town?”

Good point, Hawkeye.

Honestly? I think she did it to troll you.

Black Widow and Black Panther also take off. Black Panther to his UN thing and Black Widow back to her job with SHIELD.

Moondragon doesn’t stop them. So I’m guessing their fates also lead them away from the Avengers for now. But. Why bring them? They didn’t do anything?

Moondragon, were you just padding out the numbers for a more exciting cover? Dammit, Moondragon!

Hawkeye is Hawkeye and thus extra extra so he shoots a suction cup arrow at a helicopter to hitch a ride instead of taking a taxi. And as he dangles from it, he muses melancholic about what Black Widow and he once had. And ironically, Black Widow is also thinking about him and sure that he doesn’t care for her anymore.

Womp womp.

Inside the mansion, Moondragon decides to continue, to the protests of Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America.

So she yells SILENCE! and paralyzes them, just like with Yellowjacket.

The assorted crowd of everyoen else fusses and wonders what to do but Moondragon takes charge and demands that Dazzler show her stuff.

Or rather:

Moondragon: “You use your gift frivolously... as part of a musical act! Please demonstrate!”

That’s... a way to request that, yes.

Dazzler doesn’t like her tone but decides to demonstrate anyway. Cranking her pocket radio and converting the sound waves into a dazzling light show.

Dazzler: “I.... uh. Also skate! Not much of a power, huh?”

Moondragon: “Hmm! Greater than you suspect... but i sense that your desire to be a minstrel is deep and sincere!”

Minstrel? Really? Psychics have no excuse for not knowing the right word.

I’m getting a real mixed vibe from Moondragon talking to Dazzler. Its like she’s being condescending and complimentary at the same time.

But since she senses that Dazzler just wants to do disco stuff, she tells her that she can go.

Dazzler isn’t sure whether to leave the Avengers to deal with this or as she thinks “Baldy’s rap sounds real cool but this scene is definitely tense!” but Scarlet Witch tells her it will be alright.

So Dazzler goes. “When the Scarlet Witch says go -- I go!”

Dazzler knows the score.

With Dazzler gone, Moondragon is like ‘welp lets get back on with it’ but Scarlet Witch has had it.

Scarlet Witch: “Enough! We demand that you cease this outrage! We can make our own decisions.”

Moondragon: “Can you? Some of you would choose to stay out of force of habit... or loneliness... or fear of failure in the world beyond these walls! You are children! It is far better that I choose!”

And now Iron Man has had enough. And has also had an idea.

While his body may have been paralyzed by Moondragon, a lot of his armor functions are thought activated because, hey, I don’t see a lot of buttons on him, do you?

So all he has to do is think WHOOOSHy thoughts and WHOOOSH he goes, flying through the ceiling of Avengers Mansion. For once, it is Tony Stark who destroys Tony Stark’s home.

And once he’s outside Avengers Mansion, he is apparently far enough outside her range that he can now move. And since “brainwaves are electromagnetic in nature” he turns on his built-in transceiver to emit a microwave psionic jamming signal.

Which is something that he just can do!

The effect of which is that it’ll make Moondragon “feel like she’s got static on every channel!”

Sure!

Kind of reminds me of the First Foundation’s anti-psychic defenses they made against the Second Foundation. Ah, classic sci-fi. Sometimes it teaches us things like how to fight specifically Moondragon.

Moondragon is sure that she can overcome the jamming if she can just regain her concentration but...

With psychic frequencies jammed, the paralyzed Avengers start to spring into action.

So she just puts up a force field. Projected from her spaceship in Earth orbit and activated with a remote control in her glove.

Aside from the other things I’ve given Moondragon, I’ll also give her this: she came prepared.

Moondragon: “Why must you resist me so? Why can you not simply acknowledge that you need my godly guidance? We are wasting valuable time! I have yet another group of candidates to summon... but I cannot dally here much longer!”

I really want to know who her B Squad would have been.

But with the Avengers trying to break down her force field and Iron Man swooping back in to help, Moondragon decides ‘hey fuck this actually’ and teleports away.

Moondragon: “By the braided ring! How naive... how foolish you are! Perhaps I am wasting my time on your petty affairs! All right then -- enough! Have it your way! I am needed elsewhere in the galaxy! Farewell!”

And she doesn’t die on the way back to her home planet.

I do like that she recontextualizes the scenario as being actually this is a waste of her time and she’s just throwing pearls before swine. She’s going to go somewhere that appreciates the work she’s doing out of the goodness of her heart.

She is horrible. And like with Emma Frost, I just kinda appreciate that in a character.

With Moondragon not here to force people to stay, Thor tells all the non-Avengers to fuck off. Not very gracious, Thor. They were forced to come.

Iceman leaves and reminds everyone and me that his life goal is actually to be an accountant. Something I’m surprised by every time I hear it.

He even offers to help the Avengers with their budgets or tax forms. Heck of a guy.

Angel also leaves but muses that he kind of hates to.

Angel: “I... sort of hate to leave! I haven’t really done much with my life since the Champions broke up! -- Besides hang around with the X-Men a little! I never thought about becoming an Avenger --! Maybe I ought to!”

This is the thought process that will probably lead him to form X-Factor and that road leads to Cameron Hodge and Angel becoming Archangel. Dammit, Moondragon!

Although, the X-Man I really want on an Avengers team is Cyclops. He’s so defined by being an X-Man and by being a leader of X-Men, I want to see what he does on a team that already has plenty of leaders. I want to see if he goes through a weird character transformation like Beast and becomes relentlessly chill.

Alas.

Anyway, Tigra speaks up and says “I gather that you guys weren’t really looking for new members, but now that I’m here... uh, any chance?”

Cap is dubious because he doesn’t know a thing about Tigra (except that he gave her clothes to Patsy Walker) but Hercules is like hey we all saw how she tried to beat up Moondragon, that shows she has mettle.

Plus, there are Avengers that Hercules knows nothing about, which is totally the same thing.

Hercules: “You, for instance! You are called Wonder Man, though in sooth, I know not why!”

Wonder Man: “Really? Well, I... I’m as strong as Thor... almost...”

Hercules: “Eh? What?! HAVE AT THEE, THEN!”

And then he punches Wonder Man through a wall.

God, I love Hercules.

And then he tries to wrassle him, just pleased as all get out that Wonder Man is still conscious after Hercules gave him a big punch. “What fun!”

Wonder Man is less pleased.

Wonder Man: “Why are you doing this? Why are you attacking me for no reason?”

Hercules: “Men must brawl to know one another! How better to learn the measure of a man -- ? And what greater gift can a man give another than the thrill, the glory, the joy of battle? I am a friendly fellow who would often give this gift -- but, alas, most mortals are too frail to receive it. You are not, though! You and I may batter freely!”

Hercules just wants to punch people to be friendly but poor guy is just too swole for most men. He needs a real sturdy friend to beat the shit out of.

Wonder Man squirms out of the wrassle and clocks Hercules through a different wall. As the Avengers just watch like ‘yup this is the kind of day this has been.’

Hercules is in good spirit about being clocked through a wall and decides that now he and Wonder Man are friends and that Wonder Man is truly worthy to be an Avenger.

Wonder Man sheepishly mentions that actually he was quitting to pursue a career in acting and WHY HERCULES LIKES THAT JUST AS WELL!

Hercules: “Acting? Why of late, Hercules has kept company with those mortals known as the ‘jet set.’ I know many producers and directors! Come, I’ll introduce you to them! And the women, friend Wonder Man!”

Captain America, bemused: “you meet some strange folks in this business.”

There’s an non-existent Wonder Man and Hercules Take Hollywood Buddy Comedy Book and its a crime that its non-existent.

Geez, Marvel. GEEZ.

Anyway, that’s Wonder Man gone. Out of one buddy comedy into another.

Tigra reminds the Avengers that she’s still here and still wants to be in the Avengers.

Tigra: “Yeah... uh, back to my little problem... I’ve been at loose ends for a while... and I really want to belong somewhere! I know I could cut it as an Avenger! Please?”

This time, the objection is that the Avengers just don’t have room for a new person. They were trying to pare back! Not recruit!

But Beast interjects and reveals he is also leaving.

Beast: “Wondy and I had a talk this morning that started me thinking -- and I hate to admit it, but a couple of things Moondragon said hit home! You know, I used to be a scientist! I used to have a future besides my next gag and tomorrow night’s date! I want to see if there’s anything left of Hank McCoy besides a ‘blue-furred buffoon!’“

Hank’s early character beats on the Avengers were him struggling to find what his place on the team would be. He couldn’t be the strongest with Iron Man or Thor on the team. He couldn’t be the smartest with Iron Man again, Black Panther, or Yellowjacket. Wonder Man joining the team. Wonder Man joining the team gave Beast someone to be there for and with. But mostly Beast’s tenure has been kind of... party time for him. He’s been the fun member of the team. Going out to parties and juggling multiple dates and telling jokes.

Its been a fun time for Beast but he’s not really been living up to his potential And there were times he could have become the scientist on the team again. Or helped as one. Yellowjacket hasn’t been on the team as a core member for a bit. But he stuck in his role as the team clown.

Like with Thor, Moondragon has convinced Beast that he’s been sort of slumming it with the Avengers and now he’s gotta go rethink his character.

Where does this lead him? Why, he’s going to join the Defenders! And going to try to get that non-team team more organized like a team team. Is this a good thing? I don’t know, I haven’t read a lot of Defenders! Hopefully the Defenders podcast I listen to gets to that point soon!

But Beast isn’t the only one Moondragon has swayed.

Vision and Scarlet Witch likewise announce that they’re quitting the Avengers.

Vision: “Perhaps we will not succeed in finding a place among ordinary people -- but we must try!”

So perhaps influenced as well by the conversation Wanda had with Jan where Wasp wasn’t worried about losing her spot on the team. Which Wanda attributed to Jan having a life outside the Avengers. And apparently Wanda and Vision have been afraid to try for that. Until Moondragon dunked on her for it.

Geez. If there’s anything Moondragon is good at, its getting Avengers to quit the team. She got Thor and Hellcat last time. This time she got Beast, Vision, and Scarlet Witch.

So there’s room for Tigra now but also too much room. They were aiming for six and even with Tigra, they’d only have FIVE THERES ONLY FIVE CLEARLY.

Jocasta, in the background: -saddest robot in the world-

Yellowjacket shrugs and decides to rejoin as a full-time member to get the number up to six. His research hasn’t been going great lately anyway so he has time in his schedule.

Feeling overlooked, just like last issue, which was a filler which was supposed to address the Avengers overlooking her, Jocasta decides to slink away. Just leaps out the window and runs away from home.

Jocasta: “They didn’t even notice me... didn’t count me! Was it an oversight? Or had everyone already made up their minds that I would be one of those eliminated? What difference does it make? I am nothing to them! They do not want me here! Maybe I’ll find someplace where I am wanted! Maybe I’ll find someone... who loves me!”

=(

And where does Jocasta go from here?

She wanders the country looking for love, presumably in all the wrong places, and is seized by a per-programmed compulsion to rebuild Ultron. This leads to a big team up between the Thing, Machine Man, and her and Jocasta sacrifices herself to help stop Ultron. The Avengers hold a memorial and Machine Man attends, realizing that he had loved Jocasta.

So plus side: she does find someone to love her. Minus side: she dies and also its Machine Man.

Double plus side: she’s eventually rebuilt. Dies a couple more times. But she’s currently alive.

It’s going to turn out that this was a failure of communication.

(On the team less than a day after basically begging to join and she’s already made herself at home and is hogging the entire couch. How very cat of you, Tigra.)

Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor had decided privately to ask her to stay on as a Special Substitute Avenger, keep living in the mansion, and help out when its needed.

In the hubbub of Moondragon’s recruitment drive I guess they forgot to bring it up. I feel like its something you should have approached her with before the meeting, just to make sure she was okay with it.

Hindsight and all.

The snubbing from Vision definitely didn’t help.

Iron Man: “I hope she comes back! -- And I sure hope Moondragon doesn’t!”

Hah.

I do wonder what the initial plan going into the meeting would have been, before Moondragon took it over. What roster had Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America decided on before Moondragon talked three Avengers into quitting and introduced Tigra to the team?

I guess we’ll never knoooow.

Captain America muses that although it seems like they drove Moondragon away, she may have gotten what she actually wanted. “What if she used her mental powers subtly to influence the decisions that were made?”

And its possible because of how her speech influenced the three people who quit.

The thought just about makes Iron Man furious.

He doesn’t have time to dwell on it because the news shows up to get coverage of the last panel new roster AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! moment.

I do love a good last panel new roster Avengers Assemble moment.

And that was Jim Shooter’s first issue back. And a pretty great first issue too.

Not that the previous issues have been bad necessarily but he definitely brought a sense of fun to this issue. Even though there’s some forced fighting for those ACTION SCENES most of it is just character interactions. Even some of the pointless fights.

And like writers like to do when they take over a book, Jim Shooter draws a line in the history with a shake-up to the team roster. Reintroduces Moondragon into the book because he has unfinished business with her.

I’ve actually been reading the original Star Brand book by Shooter and the writing is night and day. Its all text text text words words words but its much punchier here. Though there are some strange spelling and punctuation choices.

Still, I’m excited to have a consistent writer back on and I’m even excited about it being Jim Shooter. I hated his first run on the book on first read and then appreciated it more the second time through. And I’ve heard interesting stuff about this upcoming run.

Psst, follow @essential-avengers​. You are being mentally influenced by Moondragon to do so. Wait, this is a counterproductive self-promote. Er, like and reblog because you choose to?

[undertale-rho]

Multiverse Saga: Taken!Altertale - Chapter 7

Rhosaith materialized within AlT-113 next to a bed of golden flowers; a pillar of light extended from a hole above down to the bed.

"You came." a voice sounded from nearby.

Turning to face the source, Rho saw 4 standing nearby, next to an alcove.

"Of course I did. I came to help with the reclamation of AlT-113." she said.

"And what about the others?"

Rhosaith shrugged.

4 looked to the alcove. "Works for me. Just be sure to stay out of my way."

4 moved to enter the alcove when a tear of light appeared near the bed of golden flowers; out from which emerged the Star Sanses and the Bad Time Trio. They were chatting among themselves but quieted down when they saw Rhosaith and 4 standing within the space already.

"Mweh heh heh!!!" Blueberry exclaimed. "We meet again, Rhosaith!" he then turned to 4. "And you, brooding Sans. Nice to meet you!!"

4 turned back around and entered through the alcove.

"Well that was rude." Blueberry pouted. "Didn't even say hi back."

"Don't let it get you down, Blue." the yellow-cloaked Sans said.

Blueberry looked back at the yellow-cloaked Sans.

"Yeah, I know, Dream." he said. "Not everybody is positive. Some people are negative. We should do our best not to be negative."

Dream!Sans smiled. "Anyway, we shouldn't leave him alone out here, with that Destroyer loose."

The Star Sanses, followed by the Bad Time Trio, walked through the alcove and down the tunnel beyond.

"You coming?" Chara called back to Rhosaith.

Rho looked up at him, nodded, and ran his way.

"So what's your story?" Chara asked Rhosaith when she caught up.

"My story?" Rhosaith asked.

"Yeah. I don't think I have ever seen you around before. What universe are you from?"

"My... universe?" Rhosaith thought about that for a second. She didn't know their designation system, and she didn't know what designation her universe held.

"According to Alliance archives," Hamlet spoke into Rhosaith's ear, "your universal designation is UnTR-13PO."

"I think it's... UnTR-13PO. Yeah."

Everybody stopped moving and turned to face Rhosaith, their faces dark with apprehension.

"What did you just say?" Sans asked, the white lights inside his eye sockets now point-like.

"What?" Rhosaith asked, unsure what to make of the situation.

"Did you just say you're from a restricted universe?" he asked, this time a bit more specific.

Rhosaith remained silent, unsure how to answer.

"Yeah, she did." Ink!Sans said. "Universe 13, no less."

"Whoa, you're from universe 13?" Blueberry then asked. "That's so cool! What's it like there? How'd you escape without alerting the Alliance?"

"Not the time for questions, Blue." Dream!Sans said, stepping out in front of him defensively.

"What's wrong with universe 13?" Rhosaith asked.

"It's a restricted universe." Ink answered. "Meaning that something, or somethings, within hold a realistic threat to the Alliance."

Rhosaith was struck dumb for a few seconds. A realistic threat?

"What the hell is in universe 13 that could possibly hold a 'realistic threat' to a K4 civilization?" Rhosaith demanded.

"Nobody knows." Papyrus said, pulling a box of cigarettes out of his hoodie pocket. "Mind if I smoke?" he then asked.

Rhosaith waved her hand. In response, Papyrus opened the box and pulled one out with his teeth, replacing the box to his pocket as he used fire magic to light the end. After a second, he pulled the cigarette out and held the end of it next to his neck.

"Universe 13 was among the first universes discovered by the Alliance." Papyrus continued. "The only thing that's known about it is that the eggheads back on the Nexus believe it to be the oldest universe in the multiverse. Other than that, only the King knows what lurks within. Well, the King, and you."

Rhosaith shook her head.

"I have no idea what the Alliance could possibly be afraid of." Rhosaith went silent for a few seconds. "Well, except maybe LOV."

"What's LOV?" Papyrus asked.

"It's a parasite that feeds off the SOUL of living creatures. Lives to murder."

"Oh, that." Papyrus said, unconcerned. "No, SOUL-crust—as the Alliance calls it—is prevalent throughout the multiverse."

"Then I don't know why the Alliance restricted my universe; what could possibly have spooked them that badly.

"Anyway," Rhosaith concluded, "we should keep moving. 4 is probably already far ahead."

Slowly, they all agreed and pressed forward, but all of them keeping a hidden eye on Rhosaith.

"Thanks a lot, Hamlet." Rhosaith said.

"It is of no fault of mine, Madam Rho." Hamlet replied.

"You knew they'd react that way. Why didn't you warn me?"

"There's nothing to worry about, Madam. Everything will work out fine."

Sighing, Rho continued along with the rest.

Entering the greater part of the Royal Watchtower, the mercenaries quickly ran across streaks of blood traced along in some areas. Upon entering a long hallway, a sudden shiver of the ground caused them all to stop progress.

"Whoa, did you feel that?" Chara asked the others.

"I felt something just now." Sans responded, turning a covert eye to Rhosaith.

An earthquake, just as sudden as the rumble the mercenaries felt, then appeared; seeming to shake the very foundations of the world itself. After a few seconds, everything stopped just as suddenly as it began.

"Did we get it?" a brooklyn-accented voice called out from nearby.

"I think so." a more feminine brooklyn-accented voice replied. "Lemme check."

"What's going on?" Blueberry asked. "Where are those voices?"

Rhosaith pointed to a massive fissure in one of the purple brick walls. "I think it's coming from there." she said.

"What the— was that always there?" Papyrus asked.

A red hook appeared from the fissure, grasping the outer rim of it. A few seconds later, one of the skeletons who was at the briefing appeared from the hole. Catching sight of the mercenaries standing nearby, she turned back towards the darkness of the fissure.

"Yeah, we got it." she called in, unhooking the red hook from the rim and dangling it down for her partner.

A few seconds later, S.T—the naked skeleton who attended the briefing—climbed from the fissure as well.

"Ay, well ain't this a surprise." S.T said upon climbing free of the hole.

The other skeleton then hopped down as well, the red item she held vanishing completely as she did so.

"Did you cause that quake?" Rhosaith asked.

S.T looked back at the fissure. "Eh, probably. There wasn't a Tunnel entrance to this universe."

"Tunnel entrance?"

S.T pointed back at the fissure. "Yeah, way to get to other universes."

"Why not just use an Anti-Void?" Ink!Sans asked.

S.T gave Ink an annoyed look.

"Does it look like I can access the Expanse?" he asked.

"I mean, you can't really tell just by looking."

"The answer's no, I can't. Nobody in my Crew can. So lay off."

Ink put his hands up defensively. "Relax, I was just asking."

"So who's this with you?" Rhosaith asked, trying to distract the two from conflicting further.

S.T looked bemused at Rhosaith, then answered, "Oh, this is Swap."

"Hello." Swap said, waving to the rest.

The mercenaries greeted Swap.

"We should hurry forward." Rhosaith said. "4 is up ahead, and he didn't seem too interested in wanting help."

"What!?" Dream exclaimed. "4 is planning to fight that Destroyer alone?"

"That's what it looked like to me."

Immediately, all the mercenaries in the hall began running through the rest of the tower. In what seemed like no time at all, they finally found 4 heading down the hall below the home at the end of the tower.

"4!" Dream called out when they saw him.

4 turned to face who had said his name, finding everyone else who had been at the briefing.

"So you finally arrive. Took you long enough." 4 said, continuing on his path unconcerned.

"4, wait!" Dream called again. "We need to think out our plan of attack. We don't even know who we're dealing with, so we need to be extra careful."

"You be careful." 4 said. "'the Destroyer' is in Snowdin Town, and he probably already knows we're here."

"What!?!" Ink said. "How do you know this, do you... have you encountered this Destroyer before?"

4 stopped walking.

"Yes." he said after a minute. "And I'm here to kill him, once and for all." he began walking again.

Unsure what else to do, the rest followed after.

"So, 4," Rhosaith said a few minutes after they'd walked through the Citadel door to the Snowdin Province, "seeing as you've encountered this... Destroyer, before, what can you tell us?"

4 looked over at Rho.

"You're a new rifter, aren't you." he said.

"I, uh, don't really understand what 'rifter' means."

"A rifter is somebody who travels between universes using the Anti-Void Expanse as a go-between. It is by far the most common means of travel in the multiverse. You saying you don't know the term confirms it."

"So basically, I'm new."

4 nodded.

"So, are you gonna—"

"Mercenaries don't commonly share information about Destroyers." 4 said bluntly. "Clears competition in that way. If others don't know what they're up against, they could get themselves killed, or they could run. Either way, you get a bigger cut."

"That's insane!" Rhosaith protested.

"Information is power. If you think it's so insane, the Star Sanses is the group best suited for you. They share information like it's nobody's business. For example, everything they've ever discovered about another Destroyer—Error!Sans—has been shared in every detail with the Alliance." 4 spat dismissively at that last statement.

"So information about the enemy should never be shared, simply to sabotage the abilities of the others with you?"

"Sounds like you got it, rook."

As they finished their conversation, the mercenaries were approaching the outer-most sections of the town.

Reaching the inn not too far in, a raspy voice echoed across the empty buildings.

"THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!" it shouted.

Everybody stopped where they stood.

"I see you brought friends along this time, Error!404." the voice then said.

"And I can see you're still hiding like a coward, Infected." 4 responded.

A hysterical laughter then echoed across the village as a single Sans dragging a somewhat smaller goat-Monster appeared out from behind the furthest house in the village.

"Here I am!" Infected declared.

A blue aura appeared around 404, a great feeling of power seeming to build around him.

"Ah ah ah," Infected warned, "look what I got!"

Infected dragged the goat-Monster—which Rhosaith confirmed to be a naked Toriel—up in front of him and presented her like a meat shield.

"You wouldn't want to hurt sweet little miss Toriel here, now would you?" Infected asked, drawing his axe and pressing it against Toriel's throat.

Toriel didn't seem responsive.

"You know I only care about tearing you to pieces!" 404 said.

"Yes, but what about your new friends?" Infected asked.

404's eyes widened, and he glanced behind him at the other mercenaries. S.T's Crew was an unknown variable, but 404 knew that the Star Sanses and the Bad Time Trio wouldn't stand for innocents being hurt.

"You wouldn't want them to tear you apart before you can do it to me, now would you."

404's aura dimmed.

"That's it. Now back away slowly."

404 backed up a few paces.

Suddenly, Rhosaith drew both a blade from the skirt on her long-coat along with the handle, clicking the blade into place at the end, then pointed it at Infected and fired, launching the blade at high speeds, straight into Infected's right eye.

"Sans!" Rhosaith then shouted. "Use gravity magic and pull Toriel to us."

Immediately, Sans raised his arm and pulled the Toriel from Infected's distracted grasps, pulling her to them in no time.

"Is she alright?" Rhosaith asked as soon as Toriel slid to the ground in front of Sans.

Sans held a hand over her chest, a faint green glow emanating from his palm.

"She's alive." he said after a few seconds.

A hysterical laughter once again broke through the air. Looking back at Infected, he had grasped the blade that was sticking from his socket and was slowly pulling it free, laughing as he did so.

"That was a nice shot!" he said, pulling the blade free. "Weren't you worried you might hit dear sweet Toriel?"

"Not at all." Rhosaith said bluntly.

Infected's smile wavered slightly.

"Not at all?" he parroted. "What are you, some kind of psychopath?"

"Maybe. Or maybe I was so certain in my aim that I wasn't concerned for Toriel."

Infected's smile grew again. "Oh I can't wait to tear into you." he said, licking his teeth.

"Blue, Dream, Rhosaith," Ink said, stepping forward with his massive paintbrush. "you three protect Toriel and see if you can revive her. The rest of you, with me. We're gonna take this... thing down!"

Rhosaith glanced over at Ink, annoyed that she'd been told to stay back, but when she saw that the other mercenaries were doing as they'd been told by him, she relented and fell back to where Toriel lay.

"How is she?" Rhosaith asked again when she reached her body, which was already being tended to by Blue and Dream.

"She'll be fine... I hope..." Dream said, carefully administering life magic to her SOUL as Blue tended to her physical injuries.

"What can I do to help?"

"Honestly? Just... stay back."

"What?"

Dream looked up from Toriel and looked Rhosaith directly in the visor.

"Stay here and out of the way." he said.

"Why!?" Rhosaith demanded to know as Dream went back to healing.

"Because... the others, they don't... trust you. Please understand, you're new, so you already have that working against you. Now normally, that wouldn't be so bad, but you're also from a restricted universe. Seeing as the King isn't hunting you down, that must mean you bypassed the Alliance's sensors."

"So you all see me as a threat."

Dream slowed a bit. "Yes... nobody knows how to bypass the sensors—not even the King—so you being able to do it... well, it's frightening. What if something else from your universe finds a way to leave without alerting the sensors? It could mean the end of the Alliance and multiverse peace as we know it."

Rhosaith looked over at the mercenaries, who were fighting tooth-and-nail against Infected.

They call this peace?

"There's that," Dream continued, "and the fact that you just... fired at Infected without a moment's hesitation. What if you hit Toriel?"

"I wasn't going to." Rhosaith said.

"How do you know that?"

"Because I peered through time and saw that, if I did things correctly, there would be no possible way I would hit her."

"You... peered through time?" Dream asked, freezing up. "Are you trying to get a Keeper to delete you?"

Rhosaith looked back at the battle. "I... don't think I'll have to worry about that..."

"Everybody who screws with time thinks that! The Keepers don't like it when people screw with time, no matter who it is!"

Rhosaith looked back at Dream to respond but was interrupted by Hamlet.

"Rhosaith is a Time Specter of a 'Keeper' League. She is permitted—within reason—to 'screw with time', as you say."

Dream and Blue both looked dumb-struck.

"You... work with the Keepers?" Blue asked.

Rhosaith silently looked away, back towards the battle. Blue and Dream didn't press.

The battle, all things considered, was going relatively well. Ink had cut off any avenues of escape, while S.T and Swap herded Infected around Snowdin. The Bad Time Trio, along with Error!404, were the major hard-hitters, with Sans and Papyrus keeping Infected from doing anything that would put him at an advantage, and Chara and Error!404 making sure to keep him immobile and pound him with horrid attacks; Chara with his vines, and 404 with his cables.

About five minutes after the battle began, S.T, who had been holding a supporting role for the majority of the battle, finally managed to sever the skull from the rest of Infected's body as he had been immobilized by an endless growth of vines. The last sound heard from the beast was laughter as his body disintegrated into pale blue specks that flew up into the sky.

Taken!Altertale : Hysteria

Previous Underearth Prologue First of this book Next

[allthehorrormovies]

A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling. 

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending. 

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today. 

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here.


Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring. 

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins. 

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall. 

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV. 

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins.


Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it. 

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes. 

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead  - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take? 

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley. 

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

[goldentemplariumcrow]

☼

☼: Which tropes do you find overused/boring?

When the protagonist/good guy is so good and honorable and wants to believe in the goodness of humankind so much that they fucking disregard the 5021947291047739102047481010 red flags that appear when they're dealing with a shady character. (This also goes for characters in love, specially in YA genre)

The sassy character that's sassy just because character quota.

Character quota in general. Fucking let the author write characters whatever way they want. It isn't because there aren't different skin tones or sexualities that the story won't be good! Sometimes it just isn't possible to add diversity in a cast and it makes for a forced maneuver to shove them in! (Usually ends with badly written characters that only cause hate and discomfort to spread among the minorities represented by the shoved in characters)

The brooding and bruised, hot ex-warrior/soldier/fighter who has kicked every single romantic interest out of their life, but because plot demands it, now they'll get interested in the one pair of sexy skirts in the group, even though chemistry is nowhere to be found. (Honestly, if he had to develop interest in another person suddenly, at least make it be his best-friend that has been there with him through thick and thin from the start, regardless of their gender there'll be more chemistry there than with this one character that's there just for love interest quota)

Badass and sexy woman that suddenly becomes the damsel in distress after meeting the story's MC.

Children characters who are there just for the comic relief moments or to be kidnapped/get in trouble and be rescued by adults.

Uninspired mcguffins.

"The twenty deaths of character X" - an on-going saga.

Character that looks dumb for 90% of the story is actually the most intelligent around and has a fifty-fifty chance to turn into the antagonist/villain.

The death of the mentor figure. Just... nope! Let the mentor figure just retire, okay? They nine out of ten times they die without deserving it. And yes, it's usually for angsty and drama, to give the MC a purpose and allow them some growth. But... Nope! That's tired and boring. You know the mentor will die the moment you see them be introduced in the story.

I can go on and on forever, but these are some from the top of my head.

@veratridine

[khtrinityftw]

Part 2: Rucksack the Zombie

There is a lot to dislike about 358/2 Days.

The fact that the main supporting cast are villains and thus not sympathetic or likable, the fact that the gameplay is horribly clunky, the fact that Disney is underutilized and the only Final Fantasy character is a Moogle, the fact that all the locations are recycled from past games, the fact that the story is stereotypical shonen fare that is full of repetitive scenes of characters sitting on the damn clock tower eating that damn ice cream, the fact that the ending is a foregone conclusion, and - again - the fact that the title is composed of goddamn math!

But I think the biggest issue ultimately comes down to the main trio of characters: Roxas, Xion and Axel. The story does its damnedest to make you feel for them, and it honestly does a good job at it: it's really easy to get sucked into doing exactly that. But when you actually stop and take a deeper look at them, especially when considering the context of the KH Trinity, you realize that they are badly portrayed to an insulting degree.

Roxas was a character that Nomura put a lot of thought into while designing for Kingdom Hearts II, but it was all in the service of that game's story. Roxas was the main character for the prologue that also served as the tutorial, to help newcomers adjust to the setting of the series if they hadn't played either of the earlier two games, and then beyond that he was the main representative of one of the story's biggest themes: the question of self and of one's own existence and how it can be defined. 

As far as Roxas himself went, his personality was a computer-based fabrication, since he didn't really have much of one as a Nobody beyond apparently angry and brooding, and he was primarily there just to serve the purpose of getting shoved back up Sora's ass so that Sora could be complete and wake up to go on a new adventure. It's both simple and deep, as the whole tragedy of his character is that he wasn't allowed a choice in this role, it was forced upon him when it really didn't have to be, as he could have come to the same decision on his own if he was just allowed.  Since as he comes to find out, existing within Sora doesn't mean he stops existing: it means he exists on a greater and more fulfilling level than he had before: Sora was as much a missing piece for him as he was for Sora. From everything ever shown or said of Roxas' time in the Organization, you never got the impression that he liked it.

But Days jettisons almost all of that, whether in the game itself or as a result of it later on in the "Dark Seeker Saga".  Now Roxas, while starting out as a drowsy, confused zombie, grows into having the exact same personality he was supposed to be given digitally. He's not angry and brooding at all until the very end of the game; otherwise he's perfectly happy and content as a Nobody working in Organization XIII, and he only betrays them because of events sparked by Xion (more on her in a moment). He doesn’t even fight and defeat Riku prior to their confrontation at Memory’s Skyscraper, unless that one mission where he’s chasing Riku and whacking at him with his Keyblade was supposed to be the time he “defeated” him. And being the main character of a whole game rather than just a tutorial of one, Roxas is elevated to a position almost on par with Sora within the series, as someone who could and ultimately does stand on his own without Sora, which completely goes against the original idea behind his character.

Worse still, these changes mean that the genuinely deep, thoughtful and emotionally resonant way his character concluded back in KH2 no longer flies for many people. If his life was so good before being put in a computer simulation and forced to merge with Sora, then it's hard to swallow that his life after that, a life merged with Sora's, would be good for him. After this game, the rallying cry from many fans became "Roxas deserves better! He deserves to be his own physical existence again and to eat ice cream with his best friends forever!" Again, completely off the mark from what was originally being conveyed with the character. 

As such, Roxas became an even bigger zombie than he was when first starting out with the Organization. Because he just wouldn't die. Instead of occasional spiritual cameos in his white Twilight Town duds as the Atem to Sora's Yugi Moto, it’s Roxas in his black Organization coat that keeps popping up in roles that call back to Days, and the notion that he had to be "saved" and given his own physical existence started getting pushed. Something that was actually complex ended up traded away for something both convoluted (his heart now exists in data and can be put in a replica body...whut!?) and insultingly simple: a Happily Ever After fairy tale ending for him that doesn't advance his character toward something greater or challenge the player in any meaningful way.

But worst of all, this didn't even end up confined to just him. If he could come back and get the fairy tale ending, then so could his friends, and if they could, then so could literally everyone in the series who got met with anything less than such an ending. Not even most Disney stories end Happily Ever After for absolutely everyone; there's usually some kind of accommodation made. But the Kingdom Hearts series decided that it didn't want to have any sort of stakes, any sort of consequences, any sort of prices paid (except from your wallet if you're dumb enough to keep buying the games, like I was.) 

And Roxas was the key to make this happen; him being turned into a much more important character whose backstory got completely revamped. He was just supposed to be Sora's Nobody who got shoved back up Sora's ass! Now he's the poster child for the entire series' decline! Way to ruin a perfectly good character, Nomura, and it won't be for the last time either!

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Marvel Team-Up Volume 4 #3 Thoughts

And so comes the end of this arc and I guess Eve Ewing’s whole run???? Didn’t know this was an anthology team up title jeez.

Did it go out with a bang or a whimper? Well...a bit of both.

...And by both I mean there were literal bangs in the issue so the whimpers...you get it...

 Okay so for starters the cover lies again like in issue #1. The cover promises us Peter in Kamala’s body with spider powers and Kamala in Peter’s body with Inhuman powers.

And in the issue we get...the same shit from the past 2 issues, standard Freaky Friday.

It’s less bad here than in issue #1 though. Issue #1’s lie was actively reductive to the reading experience. Here it’s just artistic licence and really the idea of seeing Spidey with Kamala’s powers and vice versa is only good for a strong visual. If Peter in Kamala’s body got the same power set it’d seriously undermine the creative legs of the Freaky Friday dynamic in the first place. So a quick cover for an eye catching visual is good enough.

Moving on...this issue is kind of the weakest instalment in this already kind of shakey arc. If you turned your brain off you could kind of enjoy issues #1-2 but the creative energy in this issue was waning a lot.

You can tell this because once the Jackal, the villain of this arc, gets defeated the issue continues for over 11 pages. Over 11 pages of restoring the status quo.

And when I say restoring the status quo I don’t simply mean Peter and Kamala inevitably swap back, I mean they swap back and also forget everything that happened, leaving you wondering what the point of any of this was.

Kamala will go forward in life never knowing the impending dread of job interviews or unpaid bills and Peter Parker will never remember the pain and discomfort of a period or the sweet taste of cotton candy lip gloss...okay maybe for both parties forgetting this ever happened isn’t the worst idea.

But the issue could’ve been mitigated if Ewing had just restructured the story a little bit so that the swap lasted way less than two days. In fact even if they forgot what happened wouldn’t it raise big red flags that 2 days have elapsed within which they remember nothing?

Even putting this aside the story continues the trajectory of having a lot of small problems that add up. Some of these don’t break the issue per se but the numeracy of them adds up to an over all lack of thought and planning put into the story.

Let’s talk about one example I actually forgot to bring up in issue #2. So in the first issue when the Jackal showed up and declared Rosario’s Polly tech would be useful in his cloning experiments my first thought was ‘how’? But I let it slide because maybe the story would elaborate.

And in issue #2 it did but having Spidey throw out a theory, and in issue #3 we got that theory confirmed.

The plan goes like this. The Jackal’s wants to use Rosario’s tech alongside his cloning tech to create clones with the consciousness of another person.

When that happened my thoughts Digivolved from ‘how?’ into ‘why?’

Like...okay, the Jackal has a God complex.

OBVIOUSLY.

Even shitty BND era writers picked up on that.

This would definitely come under the remit of playing God, but even during the nadir of the Clone Saga (we call that Maximum Clonage kids) you could just about see the method in his madness. It wasn’t rationale but it added up within his warped logic. He wanted to destroy life on Earth and replace it with the life HE created.

Cool.

Now in this story he wants to...basically transfer someone’s mind into someone else’s body, but not even their actual body a copy of their actual body.

What possible purpose would that serve?

I could KIND of see it if he wanted to transfer people’s minds into clones of their own bodies. Like what happened to Xavier after he was infected with the Brood.

But into a clone of someone else’s body?

That’s some Underpants Gnome level planning.

Not to mention can’t he basically already do that?

He created the Carrion virus IIRC which genetically reprograms the infected subject into basically believing themselves to be Miles Warren. He was also able to update Ben Reilly’s memories so they’d match Peter Parker’s. If you can do that then surely you could already put someone’s consciousness into a body that isn’t theirs? Or at least the scientific leap from one to the other isn’t that huge.

Another rather significant issue with the plot revolves around the Isotope Genome Accelerator. Yeah remember that? The thing that separated Peter and Spider-Man back in Spencer’s opening arc.

Remember how it heavily implied to explode in ASM v5 #5 and thus merge Peter and Spidey back together? Apparently not. It was either undamaged or got rebuilt apparently. Even better it has plot convenience powers now. It’s used to swap Peter and Kamala again.

So just so we are clear the Isotope Genome Accelerator’s scientific applications include:

-          Irradiating shit

-          Irradiating house spiders to the point where biting people gives them spider powers which may or may not include organic webbing

-          Removing super powered mutations (see Spider-Man: the Final Adventure #4)

-          Temporarily ‘masking’ super powered mutations (see above)

-          Separating people into different sides of themselves (and also maybe creating different clothes for them too?)

-          Swapping people’s minds which is somehow an extension of the latter application

-          Copies and/or transfers the super powers of one person to another (we’ll get back to that)

Holy shit this thing can do everything short of toast bread!

Good lord...the issue tries to explain that it’s ability to separate people into two different entities is how they’re going to affect the swap but...that doesn’t make a lick of sense even by the already bullshit science in play.

How is physically separating the thrill seeking adventurer from the responsible everyman out of the one person (or in theory the man from the cannibalistic lizard monster) remotely similar to swapping the minds of two people?

What did it separate both minds from both bodies and then...they just snapped back to where they belonged?*

This isn’t even mentioning how for what is presumably a gag the Accelerator also apparently gave Rosario Kamala’s powers. How? Why? Does this mean Kamala lost her powers? Does it mean the Accelerator copied her powers into Rosario?

Never explained who fucking knows the Isotope Genome Accelerator is the plot device that just keeps on giving.

There are other lesser contrivances in the issue that are contrivances nevertheless.

Remember how I said in issue #1 how it’s weird that everyone is so concerned about destroying Rosario’s polly device because surely she has the plans to another one? Well this issue confirms she does, she has schematics to another device.

Which raises two big questions.

a)      If the device is going to make all the difference in swapping Peter and Kamala back...why do they need the accelerator? Why the drama and tension over that, they could just build another device and swap back easy peasey

b)      Why was there any tension over destroying the device in issue #1 and thus kicking off this whole arc’s premise?

Another piece of technological contrivance comes from the chip Peter off panel implanted in his brain ages ago without telling the readers. So apparently it was useless all along because it’d only work if whoever was trying to mind swap with him also had a chip.**Oh and it’s eroded away any how.

This is a mind bender this one.

We have a non-Spidey comic by a non-Spidey office establishing Spider-Man did something major that was very smart and very obvious provided it was possible (which we were never led to believe it was in Spidey stories proper). That same non-Spidey comic upon establishing this plot device then uses it as a possible explanation for the scenario it’s setting up. Then in resolving that scenario reveals the plot device wasn’t working, never was going to work, wasn’t a factor in the first place and thus paints Spider-Man as stupid.

WTF!

WTF was the point of the anti-body swap chip then?

You might as well have never had that in the comic and thereby not made Spider-Man storytellers look dumb for not considering that or made the character look dumb for not considering it enough.

Just lose that plot point altogether and nothing changes.

Everything else wrong with this issue is less egregious, it’s smaller things that further spell out the lack of attention being paid to the story.

They range from minor stuff like typos to pretentious narration at the start of the issue.

Not only pretentious by the way but pointless given how they forget what happens and it doesn’t seem to serve the story. It pays lip service to us as people accepting our good and bad traits but...that hasn’t got anything to d with this story in the first place. Also after 2 issues of talking out loud NOW thought captions are a thing?

Let’s see what other shit is wrong with this issue.

Oh right, Rosario has been tied up and conscious in her office at ESU (on a weekday no less) all night but NOBDOY heard her calling for help in all that time? Or she didn’t try yelling before Peter and Kamala conveniently showed up?

Not to mention Kamala says her spider sense (which wasn’t working in the last issue for no explained reason) is alerting her to maybe getting the right location for Rosario but...didn’t they have her office listed? Wasn’t that what they were following? And why would the spider sense (from her and Peter’s POV) tingle if there wasn’t any danger the issue implies it’s the mere fact they’re zeroing in on Rosario.

Other smaller problems include Peter complaining that teens are so mean as though this is a revelation. Peter...Parker...is learning teens can be jerks....um...did Ewing not read Amazing Fantasy #15...page 1...?

Similarly talks about how he’s learned to focus on the problems of the present and not worry about the future. My kneejerk reaction to that is to call BS, Peter clearly does fret over the future.

Final little complaints Spidey bangs on about his knees not hurting when Kamala in his older body never brings them up and seems fine. Aaaaaand there is a line of dialogue from kamala about how the Jackal doesn’t understand that humans are more than bodies and stored ideas yadda yadda yadda,. But like...from her point of view the Jackal never said any of that shit. I guess maybe she’s right but she shouldn’t know to be right if you see what I mean.

I’ll finish off with a little positivity.

The art was lovely again.

Spidey owning Jackal with Kamala’s powers was bad ass.

Spider-Man acting the older mentor figure to Kamala was awesome, just wish it wasn’t undermined by him being in her body when he was doing that.

So all in all...this arc is very unimpressive.

You know how online, maybe on tumblr, maybe on CBR, maybe on Google images or scans daily you see a selection of pages from a comic book story? Basically the highlights?

Yeah if you were to experience issue #1 and #2 like that that’s how I’d recommend experiencing this story.

Reading or God forbid buying it is highly NOT recommended.

*Shit now I think about it the way Roasrio’s device was explained it doesn’t even add up to being able to mind swap. It turns the mind into data and stores it. Okay...how does that mean we’re swapping the minds of two meatbag humans with no mechanical storage device or interface involved?

**Even though again Doc Ock DIDN’T  swap minds with Peter he uploaded a copy of his mind into his head and vice versa, Peter’s real mind was still in his body the whole time but buried.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

SLAMS MY HANDS DOWN YES THATS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!!! Give me every single issue of tired dad Logan and all his dumb kids getting into wild shenanigans. Give me Uncle Gambit spoiling them when he thinks Logan isn't looking. Give me Logan having a happy, living family for once that's all I'm asking

Hey...anon...nonny...A. Nonny-Mouse.....

Have you heard the good word of X-Men Evolution today?  

It’s like a high school AU of the X-Men and it’s...it’s what you’re after.  It’s a 90′s cartoon and it features the VERY FIRST APPEARANCE of X-23 in anything ever and she was such a smash hit that they gave her a comic series.  Gambit isn’t a regular character (he shows up a few times in a capacity as “chaotic neutral thief for hire” and y’all, I love him, when I finish this BEAST of a Kitty/Colossus X-Men Evo fic I’m gonna write one for him and Rogue) but basically everything else?  It’s in there.  Dadverine.  Scott Summers with a personality (a personal beef with the movies I’ve discussed before).  Found family shit.  Stealth Captain America feelings, one time.  The Best Rogue.  Remarkably coherent mutant rights content.  IT HAS WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!

It’s Good.  It is the ONLY fucking canon I regularly care about vis a vis the X-Men--like, I love the Brood Saga and shit, y’all, I do, I have comic arcs I am COMMITTED to, and I did write like 11K of Warren Worthington angst set in the X-Men Apocalypse movie-verse, one time, but at the END OF THE DAY very fucking little holds more canonical water with me than this children’s show.  

It’s on Amazon for money (I shelled out) but I assume it’s also on...like...fucking Putlocker or something?  My computer is a janky old workhorse and I basically cannot stream any videos more demanding than YouTube, and sometimes not even that, so I do not know where else you can find this good good mutant content.  But like.  It’s been out for two decades, I am sure it’s on KissCartoon or something.  Watch it, love it, cherish the real actual emotional content.  

[miragerules]

I loved Robotech as it was one of the first anime I watched growing up in the mid to late 1980′s and the relationship between Rick and Lisa or if you like Hikaru Ichijyo and Misa Hayase was absolutely fantastic and is one of my favorite romances in anime and one of my favorite in literature, television or film.  Below are few excerpts from the 2012 article by Rob Bricken for IO9.

Literary types often regard Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita as the greatest love story of the 20th century. They're close, but it's actually the ‘80s cartoon series Robotech - specifically, it's the Macross section of Robotech, based on the 1982 anime Super Dimension Fortress Macross, the first of the three Japanese cartoons that were cobbled together and re-edited to make the Robotech cartoon that aired in the US. While so many other children's entertainments were going on and on about true love (or avoiding the subject entirely), the Macross saga helped countless kids understand that love isn't perfect, it isn't good, and most importantly, it's never easy.

Robotech's Macross saga was a romance more than it was a sci-fi adventure, and since it was full of jets that transformed into robots, a giant race of aliens named the Zentraedi, and the giant spaceship called the SDF that had accidentally crash-landed on Earth they would stop at nothing to take, that's saying something. Here are five truths about love that only Robotech had the guts to admit to kids.

Love Is Messy

After countless cartoons where the prince gets the princess at the end (or vice versa), Robotech got kids ready for a lifetime of relationships by revealing that love as first sight was a lot more rare than awesome jets that transform into robots. The show basically centers on Rick Hunter's incredibly long, unrequited infatuation with Lynn Minmei, and Lisa Hayes' simultaneous crush on Rick. Both of these take up most of Macross' 36 episodes, forcing viewers to wonder if Rick will ever wake up, drop the mercurial Minmei, and realize that the infinitely more awesome Lisa has the hots for him- or, conversely, if Lisa will ever stop pining over the bastard who keeps ignoring her for the 15-year-old Chinese pop star who treats him like shit. Unrequited love isn't fun, but it's a hell of a lot more likely than some fairy tale ending.

Love Hurts

To clarify the above, Rick doesn't just sit in his bunk pining over over Minmei; no, that's only what he does in-between the times she's leading him on and/or breaking his heart. Minmei does just enough to keep Rick thinking he's got a chance" asking for him along to her concerts, accepting his gifts, giving him kisses on the cheek, and more. Inbetween these moments of happiness are: Minmei ignoring him, Minmei fawning over Lynn Kyle, and Minmei generally breaking his heart. Minmei was the most hated character in anime in the ‘80s, and her torture of poor Rick is the reason why; but what we didn't understand is that Minmei wasn't actually trying to be cruel - she genuinely likes Rick, and likes being with him - she just likes someone else. Sure, she's flirty and flighty, but she's a 15-16-year-old girl. Who could reasonably expect her to choose a stable relationship as opposed to the dark, brooding Lynn Kyle? Boys watching Robotech in the ‘80s, that's who. But we were wrong.

Moreover, everything Minmei does to Rick? Rick does to Lisa, only worse. At least Minmei's flirty nature gives Rick hope some of the time. Rick makes his feelings for Minmei abundantly clear to Lisa, and she's still so in love she simply waits and hopes he eventually wises up.

Love Is All That Really Matters

But for as dumb, gross, messy and cruel love can be, it's what makes humans human, and it's what holds the crew of the SDF-1 together during their horrific war with the Zentraedi. It what keeps the crew and unwilling residents of the SDF-1 sane during their attempt to travel home, even if that love is returned or not. When the Earth is pretty much annihilated in episode 27, all people have to hold onto is each other, as they try to survive and carve a new civilization out of the ashes. Love isn't a cure-all; it's not going to bring humanity back, and it's not going to conquer everything. But whether you're facing giant aliens in space bent on your annihilation or just everyday life, it's obviously the best thing we've got.

Now, maybe you fell in love with your partner at first sight and were in bliss from that moment on, but if so, you're the exception, not the norm. Most of us will feel the pain of unrequited love, of debasing ourselves for someone who may not deserve it (or even notice), will have our hearts broken, and/or end up in multi-person relationship drama that would make Romeo and Juliet's heads explode (I, for one, have experienced all of these things, multiple times). Lolita might have revealed that love is blind, unquenchable and not always good, but Robotech taught us that and more, and did it in a kids' cartoon to boot. Sorry, Nabokov. Better luck next time.

[seenashwrite]

Failing Grace

Status: Complete Word Count: No idea, it doesn’t matter in these situations Category: Continuation, Humor, Satire, Reader Insert Spoof, Pseudo-script format, Snark Rating: (Older) Teen & up Character(s): Dean, Faux!Nash, a Y/N, the usual Pairings: Sweet babby jeebus, no Warning(s): Mild-to-moderate coarse language; Mild sexual references; Spit-take potential; Hurt fee-fees potential Author’s Note(s): You need to take a few minutes to catch up on The Nope Saga, or you’re going to have no clue what’s going on; this is what “There But For The Grace” began as; cleaning out drafts so here we are; satire is not to be taken as an attack on Y/N or any other writer personally; any similarity to any *specific* fic is purely coincidental; more post-story Overall Summary: We are mid-summer, things are heating up, sounds like there’s a need for some Freeze. Mother-frakkin’. Frame. Overall Summary Disclaimer: That is a complete lie.

In a nondescript town in a nondescript state in a coffee shop crafted lovingly by fanfic authors, in a small booth in the farthest corner from the door sits A WOMAN, legs crossed, head down, scrolling through phone, occasionally sipping on a mocha-something-something which the BARISTA, who bears a striking resemblance to some character from something-or-other, has prepared. Er, crafted. Lovingly.

We begin our story as the bell above the door jingles...

[A MAN in Peaky Blinders cosplay enters a coffee shop, glances around, makes a beeline for a booth, sits, utters a somewhat timid greeting to its occupant, a woman, NASH, who does not acknowledge him, though he gives a thanks for agreeing to meet him; there's some fidgeting, definite dread, now the hat is making his scalp sweat, and his tie is too tight, and is it warm in here, why is the heat on in July, are they insane, they serve hot coffee, this isn't difficult]

[Nash scrolls on. The foot of the leg which is crossed bobs in anger. Cheeks flush. Jaw clamps.]

[WAITRESS approaches. She is visibly taken to loins-town on account of MAN]

Waitress: Um. [giggles softly] Can I ----

Nash: [doesn't look up] No.

Waitress: But he ----

Nash: [still scrolling] Isn't thirsty.

Waitress: Like, um, so, are you two ----

Nash: [not a glance] Go find some whipped cream to squirt, W'Hye-Enne.

W'Hye-Enne: [blinks in surprise, glances down at nametag pinned to hefty bosom, then back to Nash] How did you know the way my name ----

Nash: [aggressively scrolling now] You are legion. Leave my presence immediately, my skills in character development bottom out when any of you stand this close.

W'Hye-Enne: [pouts because she is twelve, looks to MAN for assist; he is fussing with his hair, following the strategic placing of his hat upon the table away from anything that might slosh upon it; she stomps away]

Nash: [continues to be very focused on scrolling] Well. Dean. You've been a busy bee. Bat. Sugar glider. Pigeon.

Dean: [exhales loudly] Whew. Oh, good. Okay. I didn't know if you'd recognize me when you saw me. 'Cause, you know... trying out this new look and all.

Nash: [slowly raises a flat gaze to meet his eyes, which are absolutely not glowing] No worries there, I recognized your voice, even through the whatever-that-is you're doing with it when you called ----

Dean: [mild groan] Seriously? I'll work on it.

Nash: ---- and you still look like you, even with the new duds, Discount Tom Hardy.

Dean: No, don't call me Tom - when we're out in public, call me Michael. [pause] Hey, wait a sec. Why'd you call me by my name in the first place? Aren't you staying on top of the documentaries? [glances around, whispers] The last few parts have been kind've a big deal.

Nash: [sets phone to side, slams tightly clasped hands onto table top, leans over on forearms so her hissed response may be clearly heard by the target of her considerable ire] Why'd you call me here? Risk pulling me into another active fic after that last fiasco with Sam? 

Dean: This isn’t a fic, one dumb waitress ----

Nash: She responded to the name! Dammit, Dean! We had a deal.

Dean: [chuckles] That's funny, I just said that the other night to -----

Nash: Uh-huh. I know. Boy howdy, do I know. Motherfucking.... I can't even.... I don't know where to.... I just....

Dean: Hey, you're not the only one that's caught up. 'Cause speaking of calling me what you should be calling me, since you know I'm undercover ----

Nash: [scathingly sarcastic] Oh, bang-up job, Boardwalk Empire, you totes blend in.

Dean: ---- I read all that stuff you wrote, and I knew you were mean, but damn, Nash! I'll be honest, my feelings almost got hurt, with all the insults!

Nash: [clutches at non-existent pearls] Well my stars, Dean, not your fee-fees! Which one did it? Redneck Neo?

Dean: [gives Nash a look]

Nash: Mickey Dean: Ba da ba ba bah, he's suckin' it! - that one?

Dean: [sits back, crosses arms, glares, not even a hint of blue orbing]

Nash: Demon!Dean, Part Two: Oh, THIS Shtick Again?

Dean: Are you trying to be a bitch?

Nash: Does this seem like an attempt, Wank Beneath My Wings?

Dean: [rolls eyes, sighs] Look, I need some advice, and I thought you'd wanna get in on that action, 'cause you like seeing me get myself in trouble, then telling me how I'm wrong, don't you?

Nash: [considers; sits back and crosses arms as well] I'm listening.

Dean: So this is.... this is weird. It's not like the usual stuff. The bang fests. I mean, I'm sure that'll come up, I'm working this look, you gotta admit. [wiggles eyebrows, winks]

Nash: .....

Dean: .....

Nash: .....

Dean: [clears throat] And, uh, I can deal with that, you taught us how to get out of those stories, and thanks by the way, I haven't thanked you enough, really, for how awesome you are, in general, not for that or how you totally came through for me - for Sam - this last time, that was.... was.... um....

Nash: [stares]

Dean: Yeah, so, see, Michael, he's not exactly what everybody.... he comes across as a real hard-ass. You know, everything's black and white, humanity's wrecked the gifts we were given, the earth needs purifying. He's a jumbo-size salt-and-burner, if you wanna get right down to it.

Nash: Except we're alive.

Dean: Heh. Yeah. Not a "big picture" guy. And he did lie, nobody's surprised - the whole thing about giving me my body back, 'course he wouldn't. [sly grin] 'Cause, hey, why would he, amirite?

Nash: [stare, part deux]

Dean: Not even one compliment. Not a-one.

Nash: Nope.

Dean: I'm not at all attractive to you? I've seen what other stuff you've written about me ----

Nash: [groans at Dean, and not in the good way] Enough with the blog stalking, all right?

Dean: ---- AAAAND if what you say is true, which it ain't, about this being Demon!Me again, then you're lying to yourself. You liked me when I was doing... doing demon... being demony.

Nash: Oh, Demon!Dean can Get It.

Dean: [all the looks, all the incredulous, makes big sweeping gestures at himself]

W'Hye-Enne: [scurries over] Were you waving at me to come and ----

Dean and Nash: No.

W'Hye-Enne: [huffs, turns, spots BARISTA, who is apparently off work and is presently sitting at a table, gazing out the window, mightily brooding; she hesitates; looks to Dean; looks back; looks to Dean again; completely ignores Nash] Still, if you want me to ---- 

Nash: [with a look that bores deep through W'Hye-Enne’s soul] I have a gun.

Dean: [frowns at Nash] You do?

Nash: [tilts head at purse sitting on table, not breaking eye contact with W'Hye-Enne even a little]

[W'Hye-Enne’s eyes widen; she reverse-scurries to the other table without another word]

Dean: [slides purse closer] You've upgraded. It's bigger than the last one.

Nash: Bigger gun.

Dean: [unzips, looks inside; grins approvingly at flask; inspects gun; brings head up to gaze upon Nash, forlorn] 'S my gun.

Nash: Not anymore. It was all alone in the bunker, stuck in a random drawer, next to your mom's long-abandoned, yet fully-charged cell phone. It needed a good home.

Dean: You put it in a pink holster? Where does somebody even get a pink holster?

Nash: I'm not giving the gun back.

Dean: [zips purse, pushes away, mutters] But.... I kinda.... I might need a gun.

Nash: What does an archangel sword need with a gun? [a pause] Shit, that's not half-bad, I need to write that down.

Dean: Sounds too much like "What does God need with a starship". Unless it's an homage.

Nash: Nah, pass. It's too close. You're right.

Dean: [shit eating grin©℗™] Now we're gettin' somewhere.

Nash: We're getting nowhere. Speaking of nowhere - Where. Is. Michael?

Dean: He's... I guess you could say, caught in a fantasy. For him it's a fantasy, with all the raining hellfire down.

Nash: How'd you manage that? Nice little witchy trick? Making deals with djinn?

Dean: Trick, yeah, witch, bleeerrrgh. And no deals. Like I say, Michael’s not exactly what people think, he’s not playing with a full deck.

Nash: He’s dumb?

Dean: More gullible. Anyway, Gabriel was happy to help - I mean, Loki, Gabriel, either way you slice it, he loves doing that crap. Oh yeah, he's not really dead ---

[Dean and Nash in unison]: --- because of course he's not ---

Dean: --- and he's the only one we've got that can distract Michael, stick him on a hamster wheel, let him run til he gets worn out. Last I heard, dude thinks he's taken out Florida with some meteor-sinkhole action.

Nash: ....

Dean: ....

Nash: I meeeaaaan.....

Dean: [nods] Agreed. But Daytona's treated me right in the past, can't lie.

Nash: [eyes Dean carefully, thoughts brewing like coffee, which is a stupid analogy, adding to the signs of danger that may surround them]

Dean: [sighs] What'd I say?

Nash: You needed a vacation, didn't you?

Dean: [slight batting of lashes, widens non-glowing eyes innocently] What? Why would you think that?

Nash: Holy shitsnacks, I'm right.

Dean: Now, wait - don't get all judgy, Michael did have me by the berries for a minute there.

Nash: I still can't believe you just cut out! Not that your whole beach scenario didn't sound great, y'all deserve a break, but jeez, Dean!

Dean: Think about it: I knew Sam wasn't gonna die -----

[Dean and Nash in unison] ---- because of course he wasn't -----

Dean: ----- even though Lucifer's not really dead ----

[Dean and Nash in unison] ---- because of course he isn't ----

Nash: [in brief, but mandatory follow-up interruption] Hashtag-Fuck-Dabb, unoriginal basic boy-bitch.

Dean: I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but if he's got anything to do with our lives being kinda weird yet somehow predictable this last year or so, I agree with you, and Fuck Dabb.

[Dean and Nash look to THE READER in kinship, breaking fourth wall, though they do not freeze frame]

Dean: Anyway, even though Luci'll turn up, I'm betting it won't be right away, you know? And Sam's probably so torqued up, well, I'll kinda feel sorry for our resident Satan.

Nash: [nods] If this is Demon!Dean v2.0, then I've got my fingers crossed Sam will be in BAMF mode, 'cause goddamn, there was this brief window of time where the both of you were just [chef's kiss] It was a sight to behold.

Dean: [wicked smile]

Nash: I'm not apologizing or making excuses for being swoony during that part. THAT PART. But what about Jack? He looooooves you guys, he's jonesing to have a go at Mikey, so...?

Dean: The kid's wearing me out, every day we're starting from scratch, it's like he's got fucking Memento disease.

Nash: You ripped that from Mulaney.

Dean: [barks out his stellar riposte loudly] I'M HOMAGING

[PATRONS stop their conversations, shocked, turning heads toward Dean and Nash]

Nash: [smiles sweetly at them] But no worries! Doctor says it's almost run its course. [PATRONS go back to their chatter; Nash goes back to Dean] That's not homage, that's a dead-to-rights lift from a great writer, and add it to the list of reasons I think we're in a fic!

Dean: [slight pause] So, we might be in a fic.

Nash: [puts hand on purse, begins to slide out of booth] I am gone-baby-gone.

Dean: [grabs her wrist] Wait, how? How are you gonna ----

Nash: You think I don’t have a contingency plan after that last ass-disaster of an adventure you drug me on?

Dean: [leans in close, whispers] It wasn’t all bad. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about that kiss! You know you do. Say it.

Nash: [also leans in; real close; real-REAL close; nearly touches her lips to his; gives the entirety of his face the ol’ once-over; does not look up at him through lashes because this is physically impossible; waits a few beats]

Dean: [trembles slightly; holds breath] 

Nash: [through barely parted lips] Nooooope.

Dean: [possibly a slight pout; definitely with The Face as he leans back; he does remember to exhale the breath he did not forget he was holding]

Nash: Get to it. What's the issue?

Dean: It's this thing I've never done before, and I've done a lot.

Nash: [slight frown] I thought you said the bumping nasties hadn't kicked in yet.

Dean: [shakes head] No, this doesn't have anything to do with that. At least, it shouldn't.

Nash: [eye roll, possibly exasperated; scratch that - absolutely exasperated] Why you won't hear me on this is unreal: anything can happen in fic.

Dean: Well.... anybody ever have me freeze?

Nash: Define "freeze".

Dean: Freeze! I just stop. And I'm not doing it. It's random, the stopping - and I mean full stop, people running into me, cars swerving - and I smirk and look off to the side, and I can't move, can't even blink, and did I mention the glowy shit that still pops up sometimes?

Nash: [puzzled; touch of worry; this comes up later] Ah, no, you did not.

Dean: Dries my eyes out like you wouldn't believe, the black demon stuff was so moisturizing, I didn’t have under-eye bags, I swear my eyelashes got thicker ----

Nash: [snaps fingers] The freezing!

Dean: Right, right. Happened at a urinal the other day, so that was real fun, zipper down, junk out for fifteen minutes. And last week? In Ikea? 

Nash: In. Ikea.

Dean: Hours, Nash. Hours. And on the street,  women keep stopping and taking selfies with me, some of 'em complained about the woo eyes blowing out their phones. Ingrates. And some... some of them.... [trails off, legit blushes]

Nash: Yes?

Dean: They copped a feel.

Nash: [grins]

Dean: Really?

Nash: Sorry, I just... you think fic writers are making you do that, with the stopping and staring?

Dean: Um, it's me doing something not-me, so that was my guess.

Nash: N-no. That's... even the writers who turn you into... that's... uh-uh.  You're no good to them standing still. At least your pelvis has to move.

Dean: [with a look] No way you've read everything out there, somebody coulda made me a mannequin or something, so ----

Nash: You ain't tracking with me, here. I saw you walking that first time, in the, ah, documentaries. Didn't exactly start hearing the Bee Gees in the background, but there's swagger happening. [frowns briefly, pondering, mutters to self] Why am I complimenting him? [shakes self out of it]  I'm trying to tell you: by and large, that whole thing with the camera stare, it was not of the sexy, the full-body Botox routine, and ----

Dean: [holds up hand] Hang on. What camera?

Nash: [legit perplexed, though not speechless] Listen, there's some real shit-the-bed stories out there with you and Sam acting in ways that are just beyond recognition -----

Dean: Gee, you don't say!

Nash: ----- but I assure you, even the ones that can't manage to have you cruise down a sidewalk without describing every crack aren't making you do that! And 'what camera?' WHAT CAMERA?!  It's the show--- I MEAN! ---the, uh, documentary people! You didn't see them?

Dean: No. I never see them. They're sneaky.

[Nash's jaw drops, stays that way; Dean reaches out, pushes chin up to close mouth; does not stay that way long]

Nash: You. Looked. Right. At. The. Lens.

Dean: Wait a sec - you think the documentary people are somehow making me.... Ohhh! [eyes widen, zero neon present] Are they spirits or something? And that's why I never see them?  They're invisible? 'Cause if it's not the fic writers, then... you think it's the documentary crew dicking around, possessing me?

Nash: [frustrated, fists clenching, blurts out response] Grrrrr.... NO they aren't spirits! It's not THEM! it's the WRITERS!

Dean: [nods excitedly, eyes sparkling with said excitement, but Are. Not. Glowing. And if they did, it'd be something more interesting than plain ol' angel blue, since this is neither an ordinary angel, nor a typical situation] Duh, that's what I've been saying! The fanfic writers!

Nash: Not the fanfic --- nevermind. [sighs; regroups; tries to think of something as is not ready to go down the PS: You Don’t Exist road] It could be seizures.

Dean: It's not seizures.

Nash: Why am I here if you're not going to ---

Dean: Sorry, sorry, okay - what else can make me freeze up? And don't say ice cream, or catching Sam shaking hands with the milkman, or the prospect of banging you, or ----

Nash: [raises eyebrow, puts hand on purse, begins to scoot out of booth]

Dean: [clamps a strong, slightly calloused, warm, thick-fingered hand atop hers, squeezing gently] No! Don't go!

Nash: [stares down at hand; Dean is now holding it; rubs thumb over her knuckles; it does not seem off-putting in the slightest; this visibly concerns her]

Dean: Please?

Nash: [looks up, finds her tummy flutters at the desperate-yet-dashing expression on that mug]

Dean: [eyes inexplicably greener, possibly glassy] I need you.

Nash: [scoots back in, but glances up, over, around the coffee shop] Something's not right.

Dean: Maybe you're... maybe you’re not wrong, maybe we are in some sort of fic, but I'm not the lead, I'm positive, it's been two months of nothing.

Nash: You can never be sure of that, Gatsby.  The second you let your guard down ----

Dean: Who are you talking to, here? I KNOW I screwed up last time, but I'm sure - how do you explain the waitress, huh? No way we'd be able to keep her at bay if she's supposed to be whining to me or riding me or fluffing me... hey, do you think those writers are aware of what fluffing means, because -----

Nash: [eyeing the heavy flirting going down between the not-Velma and not-Hawkeye across the room] It's starting to look an awful lot like a cross-over, Dean, I'm not kidding. And if I'm some throw-away chick that's gonna be the fourth wheel to a threesome, that's not good. At all. Case fics are one thing, pairings are another. I could get really hurt.

Dean: Not a chance, not while I got your back. Your front. Whole thing, I got you.

Nash: And I’ve got the urge extend my leg and run your jewels.

Dean: [ignoring Nash, natch] If it is what’s happening, and that's a big if, it'd mean you and I are.... and we're not... we'd never.... we'd probably just.... No. No, we'd never.

Nash: [with a look] We. Are. Holding. HANDS.

[Dean and Nash jerk hands away, stare at one another]

Dean: .....

Nash: .....

Dean: We'd be good at it, no doubt.

Nash: Oh, of course! We're awesome on our own ---

Dean: Heh.

Nash: [with bonus look] I mean with other people. Besides us hating each other, it's for the safety of the world that we shouldn't, above all.

Dean: We'd rock the foundation of the very universe.

Nash: Talk about apocalypses.

Dean: Damn right.

Nash: So, speaking of that... you got bigger problems than going ice princess. Even if you're headed off to the Bahamas, or Mexico, or the Redneck Riviera, there's something you should know about. Because it won't matter how far you go, it'll find you, and it's... it's pretty concerning.

Dean: It freaks me out when you get sincere.

Nash: It's not anything you'd go looking for in the blogs, and it's not something you've faced before. At least, I don't think. [frowns briefly, thinking] I mean, we are talking fic, here. But this usually falls to Luci and Gabe and Gaddy and Cas. Oh my biscuits, poor ol' Cas.

Dean: [wary] You're actually scaring me. This is me, scared.

Nash: Angels leave residuals inside you, right?

Dean: Is that some sort of euphemism?

Nash: Grace, dipshit. I'm talking grace. Glowy-woozy stuff. You said your eyes have still gone woo every now and then, yeah?

Dean: Yeah....

Nash: So even though Mikey's off in inception land, he must've left some in you. And that's bad. Especially since the fic writers don't know about your whole switch-hit. Nobody knows much about Mikey, he's a  badass blank slate, he could be anything, and they're gonna use that. By way of you.

Dean: Use?

Nash: [deep breath, exhales, no forgets]  It's called the Grace Kink.

Dean: [chuckles] Jeez, you had me worried. Listen, the kinky ones can actually be fun, so don't ----

Nash: [shakes head slowly] You don't understand. If you think you've been exhausted by the sex before? This is raw-doggin' on a whooooole 'nother level.

[Nash proceeds to explain Grace Kink to the best of her ability; pulls up a few examples on her phone; Dean takes Nash’s flask from her purse without asking, excuses himself to go outside for some air; Nash gets another latte; Dean freeze-frames for approximately ten minutes; a squirrel climbs him and perches atop his head for three of them; Nash tries on his hat, admires herself as is totes cute; the squirrel leaps off as Dean unfreezes, batting it away; it does not fly; Nash appreciates this irony; Dean returns, draining flask as he walks; still flustered, he pours remaining liquor into the latte, gulps down most of it, also without asking; he snatches his hat from Nash’s head]

Dean: [putting on hat] So what did you mean earlier? About having a contingency plan?

Nash: Tiff.

Dean: [brightens] Oh, yeah, Tiff! She gives good... fic. How's she doing?

Nash: [picks up phone, opens messages] Ah, yes - well, she's curious as to why, when the Michael possession kicked in, you didn't crank off a line dance while Vincent Price cackled in the background.

Dean: [sneery] I know what you're doing. You're trying to make me fight so you'll disappear before you can help me.

Nash: [undeterred] Oh, right. Not that Michael. Our mistake. The Otter Pop weaksauce eyefuck action should've given it away.

Dean: [steamy as that latte once was] I. Don't. Give. Weak. Eyefuck.

At this, a surprisingly low-volume yet vitriolic verbal match of wits and sometimes not-so-much with the wits occurs, of such proportion and length, our story now arrives at the point of closing time - the coffee shop has cleared, tables are bussed, the floor is being swept, lights are being turned off, and our foes remain in flagrante--- er, in fight mode.

Nash: ....and Shakespeare said "eat me"? Eat me?! Shakespeare has so many zingers. And you whiffed.

Dean: I was under pressure, specifically in the throat area, and what, you've got all of Shakespeare memorized!?

Nash: No! No, I don't! But EAT ME?! What about, "As Shakespeare once said, sit and spin"? Got some alliteration, rolls off the tongue, might be a touch spitty, but you were sputtering anyway, and.... why are you looking at me like that?

Dean: You haven't disappeared. We've been going at it for an hour, and you're still here.

Nash: [stunned] Shit.

Dean: Just stay, for the rest of the summer, please? So you can write me out of whatever crap I get pulled into? I'm good at plenty, I guess I'm just not good at this. I'm asking for help, and I'm not good at that either, so... will you think about it?

Nash: [glances around; W'Hye-Enne and her victim are nowhere to be seen, likely in the back room banging; looks to Dean] This part's not fic.

Dean: No, it's not. Because otherwise I'd suddenly need your help for shit I'm perfect at, right? I'm being serious, here.

Nash: What if... what if the documentaries pick up again, before the fall, and Tiff can't figure how to... what if it somehow traps me for good?

Dean: I won't let it.

Nash: [flatly] Don't do that. Don't with the charming. It's wasted on me.

Dean: Sure it is.

Nash: We are not friends. This is strictly business. Really. I want money. I want as much money as possible. Or stuff, I'll take stuff.

Dean: Absolutely. Hey, I'll take you to Michael's... I mean, my... costumer - I MEAN - tailor. You like vintage ----

Nash: Dean, on god, if you don't get the hell away from my personal blog ----

Dean: ----and you'd look awesome in... hmmmm... I think a '50s get-up. Something Marilyn or Liz. You've got the rack for it. [stops speaking at this potentially ill-advised comment, banking on Nash's love for compliments overtaking her love of punching him; gives her a pointed look, touch of an eyebrow raise as prompt]

Nash: I suppose that's a do-able thing, and you are a tit connoisseur so I am taking that as a compliment.... [trails off, eyes narrowing, as cooperation with nemesis is never easy]

Dean: Aaaaand people usually do what in response to those? [raises eyebrows all the way this time, eyes sparkly and crinkly and distracting on many subtle and not-so-subtle levels]

Nash: ....

Dean: ....

Nash: [mutters] It's a great hat.

Dean: I LOOK SO GOOD IN HATS

~ Fin ~

See Nash Write : Master  /  See Nash Write : Mobile

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1st Author’s Note Disclaimer (said with much lurve): There are myriad ways this is similar to many fics, possibly by Y/N; *if* these satirical pieces hit too close to home, consider this free writing therapy & an invitation to check your ego whilst finding a sense of humor. 😁 I’m pretty sure I’ve lost three-to-four followers over these things in the past, hence my semi-bitchy tone here. So, hey - go have a run at my stuff if it’ll make you feel better. I can handle it.

Author’s Note #2: Back to non-comedy fare shortly, like I say, just cleaning out ye olde drafts, hope you got a giggle.

Author’s Note #3: Many thanks to my guest star & would-be rescuer @butiaintgonnaloveem  

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