#but I can’t bring myself to entirely blame her for what happened

[turnedinto-themoon]

thinking about Ursa tonight :/

[strangersteddierthings]

Bad News First, Eddie

Part One 🦇 Part Two🦇Part Three🦇FInal Part

A continuation of Bad News First, Eddie. I am absolutely floored by the responses I received, and I will try my best to tag everyone who asked. I know it's not Eddie's part, but chronologically, Wayne's part felt right.

-

Of all the things Wayne’s been called, unobservant isn’t one of them. He’s lived in Hawkins his entire life. He knows who is who, what is what, and to keep his head down and believe there’s a cougar in the woods when he’s told.

So, when Nancy Wheeler shows up, asking questions, Wayne has answers. Is willing to give those answers because he remembers when little Will Byers went missing, and how Nancy and her friends had done more to try and find him than the entire police force of Hawkins. Nancy and her friends always seemed to be in the orbit of whatever terrible thing was happening in Hawkins these last few years.

So, foolishly, terribly, he doesn’t intervene. He thought they were like that Scooby Doo cartoon Eddie used to love; kids solving mysteries. If he’d known the true extent of the horror, he wouldn’t have let those kids go it alone. But he didn’t know then.

-

Still didn’t know the day he pretends to not know who Dustin Henderson is while swapping out Eddie’s missing poster. It’s easier than having to face someone who knows Eddie, someone who had been looking for him but failed to find him.

Until Dustin calls after him. Until Dustin speaks to him. Hands him Eddie’s necklace. Wayne can’t stand anymore, this breaks him. Dustin says he was with him, in the end. Calls Eddie a hero, said people would have loved him had they known him. It’s nothing Wayne doesn’t already know.

Eddie is his hero. He loves Eddie. And if he’d stepped in sooner, chased down these kids and asked just what the fuck was happening, maybe he could have changed the ending of this story.

-

Hawkins explodes into a hellscape days later and Wayne sets out to find Nancy Wheeler. If Eddie gave his life to protect these kids, then Wayne must strive to do no less.

Nancy’s got a good head on her shoulders, willing to accept any help offered. He can see how she’s survived this long. She gets in in touch with Hopper, who introduces him to Doctor Sam Owens and Lt Colonel Jack Sullivan.

-

He doesn’t think it’s fair that the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of a fourteen-year-old girl.

-

It’s Dustin who tells him the whole story, the night before the end. Either Eleven will win tomorrow, or she won’t, but the outcome gets decided then.

“I’m s-so sorry, Mr. M-Munson. We just… just left him there!” Dustin breaks down crying and Wayne reaches out to him, an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. If Wayne sheds a few tears, too, well. Who can blame him?

“Doctor Owens, a word,” Wayne pulls the man aside after the kids have gone to bed. “Dustin said… my boy is just yards away from our trailer. He didn’t even get out of the park. I understand it’s an all hands on deck situation, but can anyone be spared? Can anyone bring my boy back? I’ll go myself if I have to.”

Doctor Owens, a genuinely kind man, Wayne can tell, has tears filling his eyes just at the request. “Mr. Munson, we will do everything in our power to bring your boy home.”

-

Doctor Owens pays for the headstone. Said it was the least he could do since his team failed. Wayne tries not to be bitter about it.

The graffiti starts up almost immediately. Wayne doesn’t understand why.

-

He thinks he’s caught someone in the act, grabs roughly at the perpetrator and yanks. The Harrington boy stumbles up and back, a little bit of fear in his eyes but no paint in hand. He’s holding a rag and small container of paint thinner. A quick look between Harrington and the grave, he can see the half-cleaned headstone.

He’s never spoken much with Harrington, but Dustin has nothing bad to say.

“You know my boy?” because he can’t bring himself to say ‘knew’ just yet.

Harrington looks just about as haunted as Wayne feels when he says, so quietly, “Not as well as I would have liked, sir.”

-

Wayne is observant, but even he can admit it takes longer than he thought to figure out Steve Harrington. That boy had put himself between those kids and danger again, and again, and again, and lived. Eddie did it once and… well, Wayne reckons Steve thinks it should have been him. He won’t say so out loud, but Wayne sees a lot of his younger self in Steve, knows him in much the same way he knows himself.

Steve lives with a guilt he shouldn’t; this was Eddie’s choice. His reckless, dangerous, courageous choice. And they’ve got to learn to live with it. Steve’s parents are absent, and Wayne’s nephew is gone. Without any conscious decision about it, they’ve adopted each other.

Steve wants to know everything about Eddie. Every little story Wayne can come up with. And he, well, he loves that someone wants to know. Wants to remember Eddie with him.

“Bad news. I regret not knowing him sooner,” Steve confesses to him one day as they scrub the headstone clean again.

“Good news. You know him now,” Wayne replies.

“Do I?”

Wayne can’t answer that. Not honestly one way or another. How well can you know someone from secondhand information? Steve spent a total of five days in his nephew’s company but he helps keep his memory alive. “I don’t know. What I do know is that Eddie Munson won’t be forgotten when I die. And that matters.”

-

He gets in an accident at the plant. He doesn’t remember what happened, not fully, but he knows that Steve never left his side. Demanded his come stay in his big empty house. Easier to move around in, with all the open space.

Wayne wasn’t really attached to his apartment anyway. If he was going to live the rest of his life in a home that had never known Eddie’s presence, it could at least be with someone who had known Eddie’s presence, however briefly.

-

Wayne wonders if he’s done the right thing sometimes. Indulging Steve’s need to know Eddie. At first, he thought it was fine, because learning about Eddie seemed to alleviate Steve’s guilt. But now.

He’s watching the boy fall in love with a ghost.

Helping it happen, even.

Robin and Steve aren’t nearly as quiet or subtle as they think, and Wayne’s observant. They seem to forget that Wayne’s just old, and not deaf and blind.

Or maybe, they’re comfortable enough that they don’t truly hide from him.

And it hurts his heart to think this (because he’s thinking it about his Eddie, wonderful, loving Eddie) but Steve deserves to love more than a ghost.

-

And then the kids graduate. Start to go to college. Steve acts fine, but he’s not. Wayne knows. It’s like he’s losing his purpose, but Wayne’s just as broken. Not strong enough to push Steve away. To make Steve go, too.

Honestly, he’s a little afraid that if he tried, then Steve would follow right after Eddie.

So, he doesn't. He decides he needs Steve, and perhaps even more so, Steve needs him.

-

Then, five years after Eddie’s death, the call happens. It’s about his piece of shit little brother, Wyatt. He’s gotta go, though. Because this is one last strand of Eddie. Eddie’s mother has been gone longer than Eddie, and fuck, Wyatt deserves to know. Wayne doesn’t claim to be a saint; if his brother wasn’t being released, he’d probably never tell him. He’d let him die in that prison believing his son is alive.

He doesn’t even know if Wyatt will care that Eddie’s gone. But he’s got to find out.

Steve drives him to the airport and no matter how many times Wayne says he’s coming back, Steve doesn’t seem to believe him.

-

But it’s not his shitty little brother waiting to greet him in Tennessee. It’s Eleven.

“Sorry for the lie, Mr. Munson,” she says. “I wanted to tell you as soon as I learned but Doctor Owens said that, this one time, we needed to be right before we could be honest.”

It’s Eddie. It’s Eddie Wyatt Munson, who looks at him shyly, almost as if afraid, from the apartment doorway Eleven takes him to. “Hey Uncle Wayne.”

It’s five fucking years too late but he pulls Eddie in a bone crushing hug. “I love you so much, you little bastard. Don’t you ever, ever do this to me again.”

-

Wayne learns.

They had found him, barely alive. It was better, they said, to take him away. Let the town cool down while Eddie healed, but he was catatonic for the better part of these last five years.

“Eddie woke up empty,” Eleven says softly, apropos nothing sitting next to Wayne as they watch Eddie discuss next steps with Owens. “He could be told to do things. Drink this. Eat that. His eyes never focused on anything. Doctor Owens called him a shell. I asked what that means. He said that Eddie’s body worked, but his mind did not because Eddie was not in his own mind anymore. But I knew he was in there. I had to get him back.” She reaches a hand out, waving in the general direction of Eddie’s head.

This surprises Wayne. “You brought him back?”

“Memory by memory,” Eleven says, picking at her pants leg. “Even the painful ones. Doctor Owens says every memory shapes who we are, even tough ones.”

Wayne looks at Eleven, a young woman of nineteen now, but remembers how scared and brave she’d been at fourteen.  “Words cannot express how thankful I am for you.”

“I did it for you. And maybe a little bit for me.”

Wayne makes a humming noise. Not truly questioning, but an acknowledgment of what she said. If she wants to share her reasons, he won’t stop her. He’s just not going to pry.

“I chose my friend. I chose Max.”

He knows. “You made the right choice.”

“I know. I am not guilty about it,” she frowns as she thinks about her words. “But Dustin is my friend, too, and I knew Eddie was his friend. But I cared more about Max. I had to do all I could to make it right. For you. For Dustin. For me.”

Wayne doesn’t have words, so he just pulls Eleven into a hug. It must convey all he needs because when she pulls back, she beams at him.

-

Wayne fills Eddie in on what has happened as best he can. It’s such a jarring difference, speaking to Eddie about Steve than it had been speaking to Steve about Eddie. Eddie just looks confused for most of it and doesn’t really ask followup questions, but Wayne understands. Eddie had known Steve for five days and he’s got time to really get to know Steve now. Steve thought all he’d ever have of Eddie is someone else’s memories.

“Just give him a chance, Eddie,” Wayne says.

“Give him a chance? As if I’d waste it,” Eddie breaths out, all wonder and awe and- Well, maybe Wayne isn’t as observant as he had always thought. “He took care of you when I couldn’t. He cares. I don’t think there’s a chance I wouldn’t give him.”

“How long have you had a thing for Steve?”

Eddie stutters over his words, eyes wide and wild. “That’s not- why would you think- when have I ever!?”

“You think I wouldn’t know this about you?” Wayne chuckles and lies, as if he hadn’t just watched all the pieces slot together in this moment.

“So, we’ll be living with Steve Harrington?” Eddie is blushing but he blows past Wayne’s question. “Will he… be okay with me being there?”

Steve’s been loving a ghost, is what Wayne thinks. Steve’s been in love with a ghost and this. This is a ghost story that can have a better ending. But he’s not going to make those declarations for Steve, so what he says is, “yeah. Steve and I had each other when we needed it. Now I need you, so Steve won’t mind at all.”

Eddie smiles to himself, pulling a strand of his hair to hide his face behind.

If he hadn’t just figured it out two minutes ago, that would have been a dead giveaway that his boy might be a little bit in love with Steve.

-

He calls Steve. Tells him he’s coming home and bringing a guest. Steve says that’s fine, he’ll fix up Robin’s old room into a guest room.

-

“This isn’t the way to the Harrington house,” Eddie observes from the passenger seat of the rental car Doctor Owens had paid for, to get them from Indianapolis back to Hawkins.

“Steve won’t be there. He comes here when he’s overwhelmed.”

“The cemetery?”

Wayne shrugs, “we both come talk to you. Steve always starts with the bad news, you know. I think you should start with good news. Just this once. Ah. See, there he is.” Wayne points and Eddie’s eyes follow.

Something akin to wonder passes over Eddie’s face and he all but falls out of the car before it’s even stopped.

Wayne thinks he’ll give them five or so minutes before following.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Chloe Cole

Published: July 28, 2023

On Thursday, her 19th birthday, Chloe Cole testified to Congress with a “final warning” that medical treatments to change the gender of confused children is horrific. Cole, who was given surgery as a teenager to become male and soon regretted it, said what she needed most was therapy, not a scalpel. Here is what she told lawmakers:

My name is Chloe Cole and I am a de-transitioner.

Another way to put that would be: I used to believe that I was born in the wrong body and the adults in my life, whom I trusted, affirmed my belief, and this caused me lifelong, irreversible harm. 

I speak to you today as a victim of one of the biggest medical scandals in the history of the United States of America. 

I speak to you in the hope that you will have the courage to bring the scandal to an end, and ensure that other vulnerable teenagers, children and young adults don’t go through what I went through. 

Deceit & coercion 

At the age of 12, I began to experience what my medical team would later diagnose as gender dysphoria.

I was well into an early puberty, and I was very uncomfortable with the changes that were happening to my body. I was intimidated by male attention. 

And when I told my parents that I felt like a boy, in retrospect, all I meant was that I hated puberty, that I wanted this newfound sexual tension to go away.

I looked up to my brothers a little bit more than I did to my sisters. 

I came out as transgender in a letter I sent on the dining room table.

My parents were immediately concerned.

They felt like they needed to get outside help from medical professionals. 

But this proved to be a mistake.

It immediately set our entire family down a path of ideologically motivated deceit and coercion.

The general specialist I was taken to see told my parents that I needed to be put on puberty-blocking drugs right away. 

They asked my parents a simple question: Would you rather have a dead daughter or a living transgender son? 

The choice was enough for my parents to let their guard down, and in retrospect, I can’t blame them.

This is the moment that we all became victims of so-called gender-affirming care.

I was fast-tracked onto puberty blockers and then testosterone. 

The resulting menopausal-like hot flashes made focusing on school impossible.

I still get joint pains and weird pops in my back.

But they were far worse when I was on the blockers. 

Forever changed 

A month later, when I was 13, I had my first testosterone injection.

It has caused permanent changes in my body: My voice will forever be deeper, my jawline sharper, my nose longer, my bone structure permanently masculinized, my Adam’s apple more prominent, my fertility unknown. 

I look in the mirror sometimes, and I feel like a monster.

I had a double mastectomy at 15.

They tested my amputated breasts for cancer.

That was cancer-free, of course; I was perfectly healthy.

There is nothing wrong with my still-developing body, or my breasts other than that, as an insecure teenage girl, I felt awkward about it.

After my breasts were taken away from me, the tissue was incinerated — before I was able to legally drive. 

I had a huge part of my future womanhood taken from me.

I will never be able to breastfeed.

I struggle to look at myself in the mirror at times.

I still struggle to this day with sexual dysfunction.

And I have massive scars across my chest and the skin grafts that they used, that they took of my nipples, are weeping fluid today, and they’re grafted into a more masculine positioning, they said. 

After surgery, my grades in school plummeted.

Everything that I went through did nothing to address the underlying mental health issues that I had.

And my doctors with their theories on gender that all my problems would go away as soon as I was surgically transformed into something that vaguely resembled a boy — their theories were wrong.

The drugs and surgeries changed my body, but they did not and could not change the basic reality that I am, and forever will be, a female. 

Depths of despair 

When my specialists first told my parents they could have a dead daughter or a live transgender son, I wasn’t suicidal.

I was a happy child who struggled because she was different. 

However at 16, after my surgery, I did become suicidal.

I’m doing better now, but my parents almost got the dead daughter promised to them by my doctors.

My doctor had almost created the very nightmare they said they were trying to avoid. 

So what message do I want to bring to American teenagers and their families?

I didn’t need to be lied to.

I needed compassion.

I needed to be loved. 

I needed to be given therapy that helped me work through my issues, not affirmed my delusion that by transforming into a boy, it would solve all my problems. 

We need to stop telling 12-year-olds that they were born wrong, that they are right to reject their own bodies and feel uncomfortable with their own skin. 

We need to stop telling children that puberty is an option, that they can choose what kind of puberty they will go through, just like they can choose what clothes to wear or what music to listen to. 

Pseudoscience 

Puberty is a rite of passage to adulthood, not a disease to be mitigated.

Today, I should be at home with my family celebrating my 19th birthday.

Instead, I’m making a desperate plea to my elected representatives.

Learn the lessons from other medical scandals, like the opioid crisis. 

Recognize that doctors are human, too, and sometimes they are wrong. 

My childhood was ruined along with thousands of de-transitioners that I know through our networks.

This needs to stop. You alone can stop it. 

Enough children have already been victimized by this barbaric pseudoscience.

Please let me be your final warning. 

Thank you.

Might as well call her a murtad and kufr.

"The medical industry mutilated me, maybe don't mutilate other kids," shouldn't require bravery or renouncing an ideology.

Reminder: A minor under the age of 18 is too young to agree to a cellphone contract. 🤦‍♀️

[narcissarina]

𝔊𝔬𝔩𝔡𝔢𝔫 ℭ𝔞𝔤𝔢, 𝔅𝔩𝔲𝔢 𝔅𝔬𝔫𝔡𝔰

જ⁀➴Previous chapter

Pairings: bodyguard!Leon × college billionaire!reader

Word count: 875

Summary: a happy end.

A/n: hated this, my words aren't wording😭😭😭😭

𝚇𝙸𝚅: 𝙴𝙿𝙸𝙻𝙾𝙶𝚄𝙴

Three months later.

Three months had passed, the moment Leon brought you home; your father had been drinking and took days off from his work just to have the authorities search for you. Tears form in his eyes when his little girl was brought home safe and still in one piece, he had the best doctors to tend your wounds and check on you for any side effects.

Lucky for Leon, he accomplished his mission and finally had a few days off from work. He rarely got the opportunity so he took it and spend his day off being your bodyguard, the agent watch you return to your usual spark and glow.

Inside those three months, Leon help you get comfortable and get you a therapist. He stayed with you when you very much likely to talk with the therapist when he’s beside you throughout the whole session.

Your friend: Sarina, cried when you surprised her. She was ugly crying and blames herself for not coming with you that night, it wasn’t her fault, you said to her; “if you have gotten involved, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”

One of those days, your father filed a divorce and put your step-mother behind bars where she rightfully belongs. About the scientist, you haven’t heard what happened to them, all Leon told you that you shouldn’t be too worried about it and he got it all handled.

You were falling for him, you chose to express your love in silence and Leon caught up to that but pretended that he’s oblivious to it until you confess with your own words.

Finals coming up, and Leon is here when you needed mental support and a tutor—Sarina was here too. Eyeing the two lovebird before her when you said you two should study together, she was silently crying inside and giving a bitter expressions.

It has been one heck of an adventure you never knew you’d get into, once—you were pushing the agent away but failed miserably. He was there when you needed him, when you needed help from your assignments, he was there. When you needed him mentality, he was there. He never turned away when you push him.

Three steps back brings you three step forward.

“do you think I’ll do good?” you asked Leon, fidgeting with the straps of your small bag. Feeling nervous about the test that you’ll take today, you were visibly sweating and Leon damp a handkerchief against your forehead gently, not wanting to ruin your makeup.

Leon’s lips made contact with your forehead, his calloused hand at the back of your neck. “why did you pull an all-nighter if you won’t do good? Why did you wake up and suddenly pulled out all your textbooks and notes and only study the entire day?” he asked, your doe eyes looking up at him.

“it doesn’t matter if it wasn’t the highest, as long as you pass. That’s the only thing that matter.”

You take in his words and nod, you did study all day and pulled an all-nighter—you don’t want to put your efforts in vain. All you need to do, is to believe in yourself. You smiled at him and give him a tight hug, “I’ll be going now!” you exclaimed and run inside.

Leon never thought he’ll be a much help to you, still not admitting what kind of relationship you had with Leon to your father. You still hate him for ditching you and your mother in the past, but that hatred can’t last forever when he’s trying to be a better father.

The agent wish you luck and that you pass, and after your finals—Leon would take you in the D.S.O to hang out with his friends, a friend of his is a friend of yours plus you have quite know them and what kind of people they are, and they’re fun to be with.

He did some paperwork back at the agency then did a couple of rounds with his bike, your message notified him as he drove back to pick you up.

“I’m finally free! Please come pick me up.”

He laughs when you eagerly got on the bike, putting the helmet he had given you and tightly hold on around his waist, “where to?” he asked, “I thought we’re training?” you asked in confusion, he starts to rev the engine and drove off.

Visiting the agency a few times, getting greeted by the other workers there—they have grown used by you visiting with Leon tagging you along with him. All his friends had grown to you and they have thought you different things and about survival or something in their interest.

The agents will teach you basic things for starters, they would help you improve in fighting and how to handle weapons.

You had a great time.

“Still thinking about joining?” Leon asked as he sit beside you and spread his legs apart, resting his elbows to his knees and his gaze focuses on you.

You smiled and fold your arms, “if I’m qualified enough, yeah.”

Resting your head to Leon’s shoulder as the two of you watch the sunset together, free from everything.

You wonder if this could last forever.

Back at Preface and Chapter I.

[daintylotusflower]

The Hunt: Epilogue ONE

The Strategist - Asher Carson

We had to move rather quickly, as the place was getting crowded by now. Not just because we arrived, but also because of the saved girls who really needed to get away from this horror place.

Volkov and Kyle were quick, professionals, as expected, when hurrying everyone into secure cars and hurrying everyone to drive off. Naturally none of the fathers and sons wanted to leave their daughters and girlfriends alone, so it was a cozy family trip driving outside of the city.

Everyone needed some fresh air to breathe, though a few amongst them didn’t have lungs to live anymore.

I looked at Killian through the mirror while driving. 
King’s daughter was seated on his lap, head buried in his neck. She was asleep, or fainted from all the exhaustion. 

Poor girl.

The last days were sure a nightmare for her but the happenings from the last hours must’ve truly knocked her out.

„LANDON DON’T“

It was Levi King’s voice that echoed from the other room when we just stepped into the playfield of the devil. Aiden was quick to interrupt his bickering with Kyle to rush to his cousin and nephew.


His nephew, a tall brunette copy of Levi King, was standing in the middle of the room and shot a man that was captured and beaten, right between his eyes.

He was breathing like an angry bull, his body tensed and his eyes… hollow.

Aiden rushed to his side with his cousin and they quickly took away the gun.


„Landon! This won’t —“

„Nothing, will bring her back“ I felt the hair on my neck standing up.. he sounded like..

He sounded like fucking Arianna.
Empty, soulless and ..gone

I heard about the King men and their lack of emotions and ..heart.. Aiden has been a long-life friend and I witnessed him and his son with my own eyes but this.. this was entirely different.

Aiden was a ruthless son-of-a-bitch but he still had humanity in him. He was maybe -okay most definitely - not sharing the same moral compass as the rest of the world, but he had some.

But Landon King ? He looked like the epitome of anarchy and doom at this very moment.

„What’s going on here?“, Kyle entered the room and looked at the dead man like it was another piece of trash in the hallway.

Volkov entered too, hands in his pocket. He looked around rather calculative and somewhat annoyed by the fact that he had to leave his daughter’s side to come here.

Kyle stepped closer.

„Landon? King? What’s going on?“

Something was off, when Aiden pulled Landon away by his neck and Levi held his arms back when he tried to free himself from his uncle.

They both rushed out of the room but not before Landon was yelling at them to show the prove.

Prove?

Prove for what?

Glyndon stirred in her sleep, her fingers gripping into Killian’s chest. She was having a nightmare.
Killian’s jaw tensed and he pulled her even closer, whispering things into her ear I couldn’t decipher. It seemed to work.

„How long, Dad?“, my son sounded tired.

„An hour left“

„We can’t be going too far away from these bastards. It will only give them the opportunity to flee!“

„I don’t think they want to run, son“

„They will.“ Our eyes met through the mirror for a split second and it was like I saw myself in his eyes. Like that time when Arianna died and I blamed the world for it and stupidly my own love. But especially like that time when I found out the truth and Reina was taken away from me. And I saw her beaten up in her own blood. The rage over what had happened and how I almost lost the love of my entire fucking being, was so fucking overwhelming, I would’ve burned the world for her. Including myself.

„They will“, I agreed and something flashed in Killian’s usually emotionless eyes.

Surprise?

I nodded towards the rode.


„We will take a break-“

„I don’t need a break“, he cut me off, stroking Glyndon’s hair back while he continued gazing out of the window.

„No. You don’t“ I wasn’t being sarcastic. I knew that he couldn’t rest until justice was served.

„But Glyndon might when she wakes up. She needs water and something to eat until she gets the nutrition’s from the doctor“

Glyndon had been captive for what seemed like days without food or water. Killian did his best by nurturing her as much as he could when they rescued her. Naturally a doctor was supposed to see her and give her a nutrition boost but because of recent event’s we all needed to pack as quick as possible and change locations.

Some men stayed there, including Aiden, Kyle and Eli to go over everything.

They wanted to be sure that they had seen and found every clue possible, before joining us.

I halted at a gas station and got out, opening the door on Killian’s side.

„What are you doing?“, he looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.

„I’ll pump gas and check with the others. You go and wash your damn face, grab some snacks and water for Glyndon and come back“

„I won’t leave her“, he said with a final tone.

„I’m here“

„Kill..“ I sighed and crouched down. I slowly lifted a finger and stroked a hair out Glyndon’s face, my son tensed visibly.

„Stop that“, he threatened. I allowed myself a little proud smile at that, before cupping Killian’s head and forcing him to look at me.

„You are my son Killian. And no matter what happened between us in the past and how far we are in healing.. this.. all of that doesn’t fucking matter in this situation. Because I want you to be assured that you can always, fucking always trust me“

I leaned our foreheads together. „Trust me, son. Glyndon has become my daughter the moment you brought her home and I saw you -“

„Normal“, he looked at me calmly. He didn’t sound accusatory, merely like he was stating a fact.

„Being yourself!“, I corrected him. „I know I wasn’t the best father you deserved. But let me prove to you, that no one will love you like I do son. Trust me, okay? I’d protect my daughter-in-law with my life if necessary! “

Killian’s nostrils flared and I let him go so he could look down at Glyndon’s face for a second.

He didn’t answer nor reciprocate in any form. I didn’t expect him to because I knew he wasn’t doing emotions. But him putting Glyndon softly into a comfortable sleeping position and getting out of the car was already a big prove of trust. 

I straightened so he could get out of the car. I locked the doors after closing them. He nodded once before he disappeared to grab the snacks.

While pumping the gas I dialed Aiden’s number.

„Are you done?“

„Almost.“ I heared painful groaning in the background

„Did you guys arrive at the location?“

„Almost“ I gave him back his answer. „Will you be there on time?“

„Don’t worry, honey, I know you can’t do shit without me“

I smirked.

„Fuck you, King“

„I pass“ He replied and hung up. 

Being able to fight with Aiden gave me still a form of sanity in this whole damn mess. I texted with the others, apparently some of them already had arrived.

Killian came back a few minutes later, looking a bit fresher than before. Some water droplets were dripping down from his hair strands and gave him a much more awake look. He was carrying some snacks. Maybe a bit too many for the remaining hour. He looked into the car, checking if Glyndon was still asleep.

„Feeling better?“

„No“, he answered calmly. „Not yet“

I nodded, knowing what he meant. I paid for the gas and sat into the driver’s seat and surprisingly, Killian joined me on the passenger side after covering Glyndon with his jacket and making sure that she rested well in the back.

I allowed myself a small smile.

„What did he mean?“, I asked into the 20min silence. From the corner of my eye I saw Killian’s muscles flexing.

„Who“

„Her brother. What did he mean by -“

„Not now, Dad“

I furrowed my eyebrows and passed a large truck before answering.

„I don’t think there are any better moments, son“


He sighed and I watched his Adams apple bob in silent. Was.. Killian struggling to tell me something? No, that can’t be. My son would never struggle with the truth. He didn’t have that empathy level.

„But there are worse…“, he mumbled.

Normally I would argue with him, fight with him and blame him for how he was not responding and hiding important information from me. But just a moment ago I asked him to trust me and ..I needed to trust him too.

I needed to trust in his ability to know what was right now and what was .. just not necessary at this moment.

Levi King calls my son a few minutes after, and he assures him that Glyndon is save. They arrived and were waiting for us. I could see that King was not fond of leaving his little baby girl only after finding her again but he had his hands full with Landon and Nikolai, who was giving updates on his other son.

By all the information I got, he was poisoned.

And though I could see that the elder King wasn’t the greatest fan of my son, I knew that he trusted him in protecting his daughter.

“Tell me about Ilya”, I try this time. We still had 30min to go and there was nothing wrong with getting all the information’s I might’ve missed.

“He betrayed us, what else is there to tell?”

Ilya disappeared with Knight and his daughter, Jeremy’s girlfriend Cecily.

When they were rescuing Annika, Ilya used the opportunity when shit went down to free the men that had been captured and kidnap Knight and Cecily when realizing that the latter was remembering things she shouldn’t.

“What motive does he have?”

“You mean besides Maya?”

I tilt my head down, contemplating. “Why didn’t you tell Jeremy earlier.. maybe he would’ve been more careful-“

“I doubt that”

Killian looked back to Glyndon when she made a soft noise in her dreams. He reached back to stroke her hair back, not for her, but for himself. 

Because he needed her touch just like a drug.

I waited for him to continue.

“Otherwise, it would be my fault, or rather my stupidity for not understanding it earlier but it’s not that”

Killian’s finger started drumming against the window.

“It’s about the fact that Ilya wasn’t so sure about what to do himself.”

I lifted one eyebrow.

“How do you know?”

“Cecily was about to be kidnapped again. Shortly after she was rescued. Ilya checked the room. Now knowing what we know, it’s clear that he was in onto the plan. He knew the room was rigged and yet lied to Jeremy it being safe.”

He stopped drumming and for a moment it seemed like he was lost in his thoughts.

“We dissected the room and quickly found all the cameras and hidden traps. But I also saw something, that I didn’t understand at the beginning.”

I looked over to him intrigued.

“The window. Apparently, it was shut when the men came.”

“So?”

“Are we not using our brain Carson?”

I smirked. “Watch it, punk!”

I could deal with big mouth and provoking Killian. He was much better than soulless Kill.

He chuckled humorlessly.

“So, we established that Ilya chose and prepared the room for Jeremy. Cecily woke up from the men entering the room because the window wasn’t open like it was supposed to be. They had to crash in, which woke up Cecily.”

I raised my eyebrows. It made sense.

“So, you think Ilya did it on purpose, so Jeremy had a chance to rescue her?”

Killian shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s a theory”

“Why would you think that? Maybe the men were really just too dumb? Maybe they didn’t expect Jeremy to be close by or for Cecily to wake up.”

“Possible” 

My son took a deep breath and rubbed his chest, right over his heart. The physical exhaustion was slowly eating him up.

“But I don’t think they planned everything so perfectly, only to fail at such simple tasks.”

“And why would Ilya kidnap Cecily and her father now, if he wanted them to have a chance?”

“Because his motive is Maya, Dad.” He turned his head to look at me and for the first time it seemed like an ounce of empathy was swimming in his cold blue eyes.

“Ilya didn’t betray Jeremy, just to betray him. He did it because of Maya.”

“Are you defending him?”

“Would you?”

Killian looked at me when I stopped at a red light.

“Defend him?”

“No. Betray your –”

“No”, I interrupted him as flashbacks filled my mind. 

“I would never not communicate and hide my problems ever again”

I felt my son’s eyes on me and though we had never told him about his aunt, he knew that a certain family member gave us the worst time of our lives.

She almost made me lose my one true love but she was only so strong because we allowed her to be. We never talked, never shared our pain with each other which is why we almost lost each other for good.

“Ilya should’ve talked to Jeremy.”

My son turned his head back and a silent filled the car until I slowly saw the airport trajectory.

“What is this?”, Kilian asked as we saw our friends and family standing in front of Volkov’s private Jet.

“Would you?”

“What?” 

I parked next to the scattered cars and looked over to him.

“Would you betray your own to safe Glyndon?”

We looked at each other for a long moment, his icy blue eyes vibrating with intensity as he thought hard about his answer.

He looked over to Glyndon who was softly sighing in her sleep when he answered.

“Yes”

Though I didn’t suspect a different answer, I couldn’t help the sting in my chest.

“Because she is my empathy. Without her, I don’t own a different perspective.”

He nodded over to her.

“So, with her being save here, I can rationalize what you are saying. It’s understandable and it’s…” He furrowed his eyebrows as if he was tasting his words “it’s probably the right thing to do. The moral-ethnical and socially acceptable way of seeing this.”

“But.. it’s not how I function Dad. Not how I will ever work. Glyndon is my only sanity so if she disappears-“

“You’d lure your cousin into a trap?”, I interrupted. I knew I had no right to feel attacked. I knew he was being brutally honest with me which I appreciated. Fuck, I appreciated it so much, even though the truth about my son would always hurt me.

But I was proud of how reflective he was and most of all, how he was trying for us all.

Even if he said it was only for Glyndon, it wasn’t true.

It was maybe because of Glyndon, which is why he learned perspective and patience, but he had always put on a mask in order to not hurt us, hurt his mother.

Even if he acted like he didn’t care and yes, yes because of how his brain worked he might not.

But he cared differently.

He adjusted to us to not make us feel sad even if he wasn’t aware that that was a form of empathy.

Killian’s eyes darkened.

“Never. Mia… “ He broke eye contact as he looked out to the others, Adrian Volkov looked at me expectantly.

“I am not defending what Levitsky did” He spat his name like a curse.

“That motherfucker deserves a slow death for what he did to Mia”

He looked then at me again, a shadow darkened his eyes now. Making him look deathly. Ruthless.

“But if someone asked me to exchange Landon for Glyndon. I gladly would”

I allowed a low chuckle knowing how much my son hated his girlfriend’s brother.

The corner of his mouth twitched for a split second before he nodded towards the others.

“We are sending the girls off, right?”

I nodded.

His jaw tensed and he looked back at Glyndon again. Desperation and reluctance were written in his face.

“She will be safe”, I assured him.

“She will be safe”, he said, emphasizing the last words when he met my eyes.

He wasn’t assuring himself or me. 

It was a dark promise.. almost like a threat.

-

Astor’s boy and Aiden’s younger boy decided to stay with the girls.

Well, not quite freely.

Nash’s youngest daughter was clearly a mess and her boyfriend would’ve rather chewed his own leg then to let go of her in any circumstances.

Her father clearly approved, though I knew that Cole would never admit that out loud. But he needed to focus on his still lost daughter and I could tell that he was relieved that she didn’t need to stand alone through whatever she’s been through.

Aiden’s youngest son, Creighton, wasn’t as easy to convince. 

But he wasn’t happy with neither staying nor leaving with Annika.

He knew that she needed to head back home, that she needed to leave this hell hole and he wanted to stay with her and protect her but at the same time the need to kill was also there. Present.

It was a back and forth until Adrian grabbed him by his shoulder and looked down on him though they were almost the same height and told him to choose himself just like Annika did too before.

I didn’t know what they meant by that.

Without using the words for it, Adrian basically told him, that he wanted him to stay with his daughter.

Creighton looked back before they entered.

“I want the one who took her”

And then he disappeared into the plane. It was clear as day what he meant by that.

He wouldn’t be here to find those men and punish them for what they did but he wanted to have at least one to torture which would be the one who took Annika in the first place.

Adrian nodded.

I didn’t look when Killian hugged Glyndon to his chest and I didn’t listen when he whispered her that he loved her and that he would come back as soon as the fuckers who did that to her would be bleeding. 

Levi approached his daughter shortly after and helped her inside.

His son was nowhere to be seen.

The girls would be sent back to one of Adrian’s hidden houses and would have the best security to protect them. 

We watched the plane start from afar when Jeremy’s phone went off. He had been quite the whole time, watching in silence when I knew that his soul was shattering.

“WHAT?”

We all looked at him tensed when he yelled into the phone. His eyes met Levi’s who stepped closer.

In return he held his phone out and put it on speakerphone so everyone could hear my nephew talk.

“Like I said. Levitsky is here. Knight and Cecily are here too.”

We looked at each other in disbelief. Why the hell is Ilya back? 

“Is Knight alright?”, Astor asked, stepping closer.

“He lost a lot of blood and is unconscious at the moment.” He waited a beat. “Cecily is with him and my men are with her”

This information was clearly for Jeremy who was now basically killing his phone with his death grip and laser eyes.

Nikolai growled like he was trying to control his beast.

“He also brought the antidote”

“Are you sure it’s the correct one?” Levi asked now taking Jeremy’s phone. The latter’s muscles ticked but he didn’t stop him.

“It’s the only one we have Mr. King... we need to hurry”

“Nikolai! What if it’s a trick-?”

“It’s not”, Killian cut in, looking at the phone with an empty look.

“How do you know, Carson?”

I looked back at my son.

“Brandon was already dying. What difference would a few hours make?”

Levi bit down on his teeth at the image of his son slowly losing his life.

“Don’t let him out of your eyes Niko!”, Jeremy barked in before they could continue to argue about Ilya’s intentions.

There was a moment of silence on the other line. Nikolai didn’t sound like himself. I knew his boyfriend was fighting for his life at this moment but knowing that he received the antidote should actually make him sound. -maybe not happy.. but more alive?

So why did he still sound like he was trying to make Brandon breathe again.

“He’ll stay. He.. is waiting for you”

Jeremy hissed, his jaw ticking with unleashed anger when he grabbed his phone back.

“Send me the fucking location of the hospital Nikolai and so help me God when I see him because he wished he’d run away”

“You’d be surprised”, Nikolai echoed with an almost hollow voice and hung up.

What was that supposed to mean?

Jeremy didn’t wait to find it out as he rushed to his car, his father following. I knew that Adrian also had a vendetta against Ilya for betraying his son like that.

“How are we sure this is not a trap?”, Astor asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“I don’t think so”, Killian threw in.

“What? Do you think he suddenly had a change of heart?”, Levi spat. His tone towards my son was pure poison and I was about to punch his fucking face for that.

“Not a change but maybe a loss..”

Again, his eyes swam into a further nothing when I could practically hear his brain working.

“What are you saying, Kill?”, I asked.

“I said I would betray my people for Glyndon, Dad. Now empathize with me. When would I come back?”

He looked at me – no, past me. Like he was chasing a long-gone shadow. 

I furrowed my eyebrows thinking about his question.

What did he mean?

When would Killian come back?

Especially like Ilya. Why would he all of a sudden try to help? Seemingly?

If he wanted to safe Maya then-

My eyes widened when realization slapped me.

I felt like someone poured cold water over my head, freezing me to my bones.

“Mr King. Please show me the picture of Mia”

Mia? Wait – why Mia?

Levi looked at me for a second before he looked back at my son.

“Why?”

He just reached out his hand, waiting for him to give him the phone.

After three heartbeats Levi reluctantly handed him his photo after opening something and –

Fuck- FUCK

Was this my heart breaking?

My lungs that were shuttering?

The corners of my eyes blackened for a moment when I blinked, my eyes desperately trying to focus on the picture in front of me but my body was revolting to even witness what I was seeing.

No, no, no. Not my little princess. Not my beautiful, innocent niece!

Not M-

“Maya. This is Maya” 

Killian’s voice came out like the reapers.

Dark and lifeless.

Gone.

“The message said-“

“It’s a lie. Only to pitch Landon against us. This is Maya.. ..I ..recognize my cousin”

A heavy and dark blanket laid upon us as we all stared down to the picture. No, not everyone. Astor, Nash and King were avoiding it.  So they knew before.

And.. I looked at Killian. 

He knew too. He didn’t see the picture, obviously a mix up happened between the twins, but he knew that his cousin died. That’s why he wouldn’t tell me.

“That’s why Ilya came back”, I whispered.

That’s the only reason Killian would come back too. If it was too late. If he had lost Glyndon. Only then he’d help for a last time.

Maybe him not because of guilt but because of revenge. To stop them from plotting and pull them all to hell with him. 

“Maya is..”

“What about my daughter?”

The voice belonged to my brother-in-law. Kyle Hunter who stepped out of Aiden’s car together with him and his son Eli.

He had stayed with them behind to clean any mess they might’ve left with their last snooping and got rid of unnecessary attention.

We were so indulged that we didn’t even hear them approaching, yet alone getting out of the car.

Levi snatched the phone back from Killian and everyone kind of stepped away from the circle we all built.

“We got Ilya”

Killian announced to his uncle. “We are heading to the hospital; Brandon is being treated.”

I refused to look into Kyle’s eyes as I followed my son back to the car, but a strong arm stopped me.

“Ash” 

The familiarity broke me for a second and my eyes met with Aiden’s who was looking at us from a few feet away with a calculative look.

“What did you guys talk about? What happened to my daughter?”

I felt like needles were piercing my skin and a heavy stone was setting in my throat.

“She-“

Sudden gun shots interrupted me when we found ourselves in the middle of an attack. 

Kyle pulled my head down and we ran to the next car, jumping in.

I checked if my son got in safely but gladly there was nobody left on the open field as we raced out of danger. How the fuck did they find us so quickly?

I dialed Aiden’s number, and he picked up after the first ring.

“Did everyone make it?”

“Yeah” I heard him driving over a man.

“Everyone’s safe.” He sounded too calm.

“Put it on loudspeaker”, Kyle grunted next to me.

“How many can you see King?”

“A few. Your little trap worked.”

I furrowed my eyebrows.

“You brought them here?”

“We were on a hunt remember? Time to catch the prey.”

I looked back and saw Aiden behind us, both him and his son looking almost bored as multiple cars were chasing them. 

“By putting everyone in danger?”

“We didn’t. We knew they would come, obviously” Aiden stated through the phone. “Why chase them when we can let them follow us.”

“Work smarter not harder” I smirked, and I knew Aiden was doing the same. It was his motto since I could remember.

“How did you lure them in?”

I asked, not quite understanding yet why they were suddenly so open with their attacks.

“Simple”, Aiden said with and obvious undertone. “Find out that Adam is not the only one behind this shit and kidnap their accomplice who most definitely would spill his whereabouts with a tiny bit of torture”

“What a pussy”, Kyle grunted, obviously speaking about a session they both had when we left.

How long were they gone exactly?

But wait? Accomplice? As in-

“It’s not Adam Herran behind this?”

“Oh he is”

“But he apparently wasn’t alone”, Kyle commented while he made a sharp left turn, the car chase getting more difficult as we snaked through the traffic.

I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Who?”

“An old high school friend”

I waited.

“Christopher Vans”, he spoke darkly. 

[jonathanwrotethis]

Like an exhale

Tuesday became Wednesday ten minutes ago - while brushing my teeth alongside my daughter in the downstairs bathroom. We have a weird synchronicity - we often meet at midnight with a toothbrush. We know how to live, obviously.

I’m certain tomorrow was at least an hour away when I looked five minutes ago.

Wilson Phillips are filling my headphones with memories of the early 1990s. Memories of the last glories of MTV Europe - when they still played music videos, and I had time to sit and watch them. Oh how I laughed at Ray Cokes antics, and adored Marijne van der Vlugt. I mentioned her in a similarly rose-tinted blog post a few years ago and received an unexpectedly wonderful comment the next day.

It’s nice to be reminded that the world isn’t as bad as many would have you believe.

The playlist goes on and I’m transported to the art class at college, and hours spent drawing pot plants, bundles of brick-a-brack, and half-dressed people. We always had the radio on - the only class where that ever happened. I can’t remember the last time I drew anybody. I learned early-on that if you’re good at anything during your school years it puts a pretty huge target on your back.

I tried to return to drawing a few years after leaving college. I’ve probably written about it somewhere in the annals of the blog.

I turned up with little or no materials and encountered “night class royalty” - the brigade of elderly “artists” sporting open shirt cuffs, neckerchiefs, and materials and equipment that had only existed in shop windows for me.

I can still remember the moment one of the most affable, charming, and popular men in the class took a look over my shoulder - no doubt to offer some sage advice - and murmured “I’m going to go home and shoot myself”. I remember the lady next to me craning over to look too, and whispering “Jesus”.

The target never really goes away for some.

When the children were little I walked a fine line while helping them draw. If I forgot myself and doodled a dinosaur in the corner of a page they would immediately compare and become downhearted.

And so I just stopped.

After a journey to “Hobbycraft” last weekend (a local crafting superstore), I returned with a plastic model kit - the likes of which I haven’t made since I was a teenager. It was a conscious decision to do something - anything - away from computers or work. Something to lose myself in for an hour here and there.

Building the model kit has been interesting - not because of what it is (it’s an aeroplane) - more because of how I value the time I spend time doing it. One of the reasons I stopped drawing, and I’m tempted to blame parenting for this, is that the end-product had no practical value. When you’re in the middle of bringing up children, your life tends to become compressed almost entirely towards that which needs to happen next.

For the longest time the first question when considering doing anything has been what practical value it might have.

Except writing.

For some reason the blog has always escaped the productivity purges. Throughout the chaos I’ve carried on writing. I’m not really sure why. I’ve held on to this last thing - this last thing “just for me”. The reasons have changed over time - from the noble “so the children might know who I was”, to “keeping me sane”, to “just because”.

I read a wonderful quote by Norah Ephron several years ago that I’ve shared before - about a blog being kind of like an exhale. I have it printed, and pinned on the cork-board above the desk. When lost for words it reminds me that while the world can be cold and abrasive, it can also be comforting - restorative.

Anyway. I’m rambling.

I haven’t written an “anyway” for a while. I wonder if that means anything? Probably not. Maybe it’s time I called it a night (he says, glancing nervously at 01:02 on the clock).

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Can’t wait to read your thoughts on Lottie’s book. I just finished it myself and agree that a lot was said, without much new information coming to light. I think the biggest thing the reader found out is just how integral Lou T is in Lottie’s life. All the best Ralph :)

I've read it and have more thoughts than I expected. For now I've divided them into three. First just sort of what she shared and what she didn't.

The things that interested me most say more about me than the book. Learning that Louis advocated for Lou T to be able to work with a baby was fascinating. And I was super curious what it meant that Lottie didn't get paid for working as Lou's assistant (like she'd need to have money and she was going on holiday - was she getting per diems? Was Louis providing everything?).

And in some ways Lottie revealed more than I expected. I was sorry to hear that Sam, her ex from Made in Chelsea, had been emotionally abusive. She was very open about her Dad's alcoholism - something that I think had previously been mostly guessed at. I enjoyed her descriptions of her Mum - and felt it depened my picture of Jay.

But obviously there was lots hidden. She had a falling out with Lou T in 2020, the relationship between her family and Dan Deakin was much messier than she allowed, and obviously lots about what was going on with Fizz was smoothed over. That's just stuff I know - and was all left out reasonably elegantly (I'm sure there's heaps of stuff I don't know about that is also elegantly hidden).

But I also thought it was funny how comfortable she was just not talking about in quite an unelegant way - particularly with her and Lewis getting together. She made a few oblique references to him also experiencing grief - and then at one point said something like "I guess most of you know about what happened" and didn't actually reference it at all.

I was also struck with some of the writing choices and they made me think about the ghostwriting process. There are whole chunks where the book is just 'this is what Sue Ryder says about grief' - they're not interesting or well integrated. There are also aren't a lot of stories and at times the stories there are don't seem well told (there's a story of almost being kidnapped by a taxi driver that really brought this out to me).

It made me think about the ghost writing process. I assume that different projects have different budgets for ghost writers - that basically amount to different amounts of time allocated to do the work. It seems likely to me that anyone who is working as a ghost writer could do a better job of what that section is trying to do (presumably promote Sue Ryder, convey information, and give a larger meaning to the book), but that it would probably take more time.

The third main thing I thought was the way she talked about her body. Which unsurprisingly made me really sad and infuriated, both for Lottie and that it was being put out there in the world. I hate everything about beauty and diet culture and the pressure it puts on women. And I hate even more where a veneer of body positivity and choice is laid on top of this radioactive culture.

The entire last chapter of her book was an advertisement for her new business - a subscription wellness platform, which is very explicitly weight loss equals health.

For me it brings up something I really struggle with - which is how to understand and talk about individual women's role in replicating these structures. My underlying politics are pretty profoundly influenced by what was called the pro-woman line in the 1970s (Carol Hanisch's essay is a good introduction). And while I still believe the underlying analysis that feminism needs to be about collective resistence - not blaming women for how they navigate our society. I've really struggled when thinking about how to understand beauty influencers. I can't quite get behind Jessica DeFino's line about individual disinvestment - even though I'm glad about her interventions.

But I do think what Lottie is doing does a lot of harm in the world - and a subscription service promoting weight loss is quite an explicit further step from being an influencer. It all makes me sad - and wish I had a better idea about how to fight the standards of beauty and the power given to them.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

🧡💛💖💕 for the Ask meme! (Tales of the Abyss ;))

🧡: What is a popular (serious) theory you disagree with?

Lmao well..... I think you saw my previous ask 😂😭 Any theory that says Asch or Lorelei or some weird Luke-Asch personality hybrid or anyone else people come up with that isn't just Luke who comes back at the end. It's gotta be Luke; the narrative just falls apart if it isn't. The other day when I was answering the previous ask looking for your "theory" post again I saw the take (put very simply here) that Abyss is a tragedy, Luke's character is a tragic one, so it makes sense that he ultimately dies and stays dead, and I'm just like.... how?? Genuinely I don't understand how his character arc can possibly be read as that his entire struggle to change and for life was just completely futile in the end and that there was no meaning to any of it all, that's such a downer ending for what is ultimately, despite how much sad shit happens in it, a hopeful story 😭😭😭 (one of the main themes is LITERALLY CALLED MEANING OF BIRTH).

Even putting that aside though, I just feel like it makes even less sense for Asch to come back?? Like, his character arc finished when he died. The whole point is that he remained stagnant the whole game and his tragedy is that he dies that way, while Luke was willing and able to change!! What purpose would it serve narratively to bring him back after his very sad yet satisfying conclusion?? Again, by all means, it makes for juicy AUs, but as canon.... there's no way.

💛: What is a popular ship you just can’t get behind, and why?

....I feel like I'm putting myself in danger answering this when it's coming from you 😂😭 But, well, I'm really not that interested in Luke/Tear lol. By no means do I hate it though, I just don't have any strong feelings towards it either way, and honestly part of that is just because I'm not really a shipper in general lol and nothing to do with them specifically. A lot of people who don't ship it say it's because they see Tear as more of a sister figure to Luke because that's how the game initially presents her as (and with the "big sister" title or whatever it's called), but idk... I honestly can't decide what I see her as to him. They just feel like very close friends to me by the end of the game, I guess, and although I like some of their touching scenes, I never really felt the chemistry between them. I guess it's just hard for me to imagine Luke in a relationship with everything he's going through during the game, and also Tear is pretty bland to me herself so that doesn't help. 😭 I know her Japanese voice is very different from her English one and her English one gets some flak, so maybe that's to blame ugh; maybe if I listened to her in Japanese sometime I would become more endeared to her.

💖: What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series?

...If I had to pick another one that isn't just the first answer again lol, though this isn't exactly super unpopular, but Abyss is the best game in the Tales series, by a wide, wide margin. Not only do I believe it to be the best Tales game, but one of the best games of all time period, and one of the best stories of all time. Yes, I said what I said, fight me. And it has absolutely nothing to do with nostalgia; I played Abyss on my 3DS around 2014-2015, probably? in my early 20s, so I don't have any special childhood memories of it, nor was it even my first Tales game (Graces holds a special place in my heart for that). I just... played it, and it left such an incredible impact on me that has yet to be beaten by nearly any other media I've ever experienced. I don't know what it is about it that makes it so powerful, but it's true. Don't get me wrong, plenty of other stories have come very close to making me feel the same way..... but none of them have ever quite reached Abyss level.

So yeah, a lot of people agree Abyss is good.... but I still believe that most don't recognize it for the masterpiece it truly is.

💕: What is an unpopular ship that you like?

Like I said, I'm really not a shipper lol, but I'm really fond of Guy/Natalia? I just love their scenes together, how respectful and gentlemanly he is towards her, and how her growth is most strongly shown in plenty of her interactions with him; it's so lovely to see. 🥹 and I think about their time spent together post-Eldrant and before the epilogue, them helping each other grieve.... it destroys me so good :' ) they're very sweet together.

Thank youuu sista! 🩷

Ask game

[citadelofmythoughts]

Well, I’ve had all day to digest this so here’s my ramble about the Bees

I got into the FNDM around the end of Volume 6 so before I came out as trans (actually some of you were the first to know.) or a lesbian. 

It was that now famous image of Blake & Yang holding hands, standing defiantly in front of Adam that actually lured me in but I made myself binge the entire series before watching V6.

I completely and utterly fell in love with those two girls and their story. I think that’s one advantage more recent fans have who didn’t have to wait between all the early volumes, you could get more of a sense of how the story was progressing without conjecture or headcanons. So I saw their romance blossom. From the moment they laid eyes on each other from across a crowded room those two were linked.

It was such a hard and lonely road they both traveled. It felt like just as they made a connection at Beacon it all went to hell. Yang losing her arm to Adam, Blake blaming herself and both spiraling into self-loathing and depression.

But then V5 happened and Yang had someone she cared about finally come back into her life and as upset and angry as she was, she couldn’t hate Blake...never Blake.

Volume 6 was a volume of healing, of fighting their demons and overcoming them. 

Volume 7 was them easing back into that casual vibe they had at Beacon and feeling comfortable around each other again.

Volume 8 was difficult. It tested their fledgling relationship in many ways. They disagreed on how best to help Mantle but also learned that they COULD disagree and still be okay. 

Then Yang fell and Blake saw her future fall with her. Everything they could have been was gone in an instant. That changed her. She wasn’t going to stand on the sidelines WAITING for it to happen. 

Which brings us to today. Blake now knew her heart belonged to Yang and she knew that Yang felt the same, she just needed a little encouragement to say the words. 

Yang’s face when Blake called her “extraordinary” was nothing short of astonishment. It was like she couldn’t believe this beautiful girl, her partner could think of her in that way.

Blake’s face when Yang presented her own thoughts was a lot more accepting because Blake already knew Yang loved her, at least on some level

“Any big truths we haven’t dropped on each other yet?”

“That can’t be what this is about.”

“It’s like a...cliff and if I do it, I’m just gonna fall” “I think we’re already falling.”

“Just say it, Yang.”

“I...think I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And there it is. The end of one phase of their relationship and the beginning of a whole new one. They fought SO HARD to get here and this means EVERYTHING to me.

And the nice thing about it is, it’s not remotely over yet.

So, here’s to the happy couple. I know you’ll both have long and happy lives together. I love you two so much and even with everything I wrote, I know I left so much of what I’m feeling out.

Well, if you made it to the end of this, I’m shocked but thanks for reading it.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for killing two people in order to try to bring my dead family back to life?

Normally I don’t talk to people about the stuff that’s happened in my life but I’m having a bit of a moral dilemma.

I (27M) watched my family (mom, dad, younger sister) burn to death before my eyes years ago due to my ex-best friend (then 18M) setting my house on fire. My family is my entire life, I love them more than anything. And I blame myself for not realizing my ex-best friend’s pain and harmful behavior (he’d been committing arson for months without my knowledge) before he turned on me.

So naturally, I will stop at nothing to bring my family back to life.

After years of research, I figured out where a certain artifact is located, and said artifact can grant any wish. I went to the location (an evil witch’s mansion) and snooped around, finding a contract with a woman’s name on it. The woman, C (23F) happened to be stuck in the locked mansion with me and some other people.

I had to kill the owner of the house (22M) (he was obsessed with the witch so obviously he was evil anyway) in order to access his secret collection of books and through what I learned I realized that the artifact was actually inside C’s body and functioning as a major organ so I had to kill her in order to retrieve it. 

As it turns out, the artifact can’t even grant positive wishes, so I cant bring my family back to life. It was all for absolutely nothing. My life has no meaning now.

Was I really the asshole for trying to save them though? They were literally everything to me. 

[thegingerwrites]

It’s like tuning into a radio frequency. The dial spins without his control and suddenly the audio sharpens into something intelligible.

I bet your Master found you difficult at times.

He’s still new to this. Dying and then living on, they don’t come as naturally as one might think. He came to in Obi-Wan’s arms, filled with Light for the first time in years. The first thing he heard in his new sort-of life was his name, the one his mother gave him, and Obi-Wan’s voice. Anakin.

It was enough joy to nearly break him. The pendulum swung so hard as to nearly topple over before finding something like balance.

He likes the feeling of it, balance. He understands now why the masters at the temple harped on it so much. Obi-Wan says that he might be more balanced than any of them now, that he understands more intimately than anyone what lies in the dark and what it means to find the light.

There is so much and so little to do in this kind of existence. The whole of the universe has opened up to him and it’s overwhelming to say the least. Obi-Wan says it is natural to stay close to those one knew in life, guiding them when necessary but more often than not simply offering a comforting presence.

He never had much experience with Force ghosts in life. He didn’t have that kind of intimate connection with a Force user until later in life and then spent so many of his years denying it. He didn’t know that Obi-Wan sometimes sought guidance from Qui-Gon after he passed. He didn’t know how often he failed to receive it. The thought tears at him, a little. Even though it’s in the past.

Anakin never got to finish my training.

The sound of his name coming from her brings the scene rapidly into focus, like giving a holoprojector just the right thump, the image shifting from electric blue fuzz to life-like clarity in an instant. He sees Ahsoka, knows the conversation she is having and who she is speaking to. He knows what she is about to say even if he can’t quite make himself believe it just yet.

Before the end of the Clone Wars, I walked away from him. And the Jedi.

The memory doesn’t hurt him anymore. Once, it was a wound he was unsure he would survive.

She did the right thing then. She became stronger for it. He is so relentlessly proud of her even now.

Sometimes even the right reasons have the wrong consequences.

This is the part that makes him want to shake her, to appear physically and give her a piece of his mind. It takes him a second to process her meaning, but once he does, once he thinks he does, he wants to make her take it back.

“How could she say that?” Anakin says—shouts to Obi-Wan. “She thinks she’s responsible? For everything that happened? For me?”

He knows Obi-Wan wasn’t paying particular attention to this conversation, but he forces Obi-Wan to listen in. He suspects that his new presence in the Force keeps Obi-Wan more present as well. That without him, Obi-Wan might have already joined the great oneness that is the Force. He suspects Obi-Wan likes it this way instead.

“She doesn’t really think that, does she?”

Obi-Wan strokes his beard, a habit he developed in life and hasn’t given up in death. “She’s lived a long life. Plenty of time to come to terms with what happened.”

“But how could she blame herself? She was a child. She should blame me, blame Palpatine. Someone actually responsible.”

Obi-Wan smiles at him a little sadly. “I happen to know something of guilt myself and it isn’t always logical.”

Anakin scoffs. “I might not be able to tell her how I feel but I can knock some sense into you right now. You weren’t to blame either. I was an adult. I made my own choices.”

Obi-Wan holds up both hands in mock surrender. “Don’t worry, I accepted things as they are long ago. I only mean to suggest that knowing something to be true and feeling it are two entirely different things.”

A lesson Anakin has learned intimately.

“You’ll get your chance to set things right in due time,” Obi-Wan says, placing a gentle hand on Anakin’s shoulder. They aren’t exactly corporeal as they are but they both had bodies long enough to find the gesture comforting. “I know it.”

Anakin takes a deep breath—another unnecessary gesture but one that accomplished the goal of calming him down. He releases his outrage to the Force and finds the same understanding as Obi-Wan. The opportunity will come, he just has to be patient. He finds that patience comes easier to him now than it ever did before.

What do we do then?

We wait. We hope. We fight. And we do better the next time. We have to.

[vallcro]

I read all that. ;p And I think it's interesting the psychology behind Joey's actions.

Regarding the bit in your tags, whether or not Tracy should do something bad- I think that depends on where you want the story to go.

Do you want it to be purely self indulgent? Then go ahead with all your favorite tropes and don't pay any mind to what others will think.

Do you want it to be very realistic? Real life victims can still end up doing no wrong but most are flawed because people are flawed.

And if you're lucky you might get both of these at once.

In the end it depends on what you want to do with his character. And how you want it to affect the story. If you'd like you can make his *lack* of action affect his character and story too. And of course you can make an AU of your OCs where something else happens in a different universe.

But I'll ask anyways. Regardless of whether or not he'll actually do something in the story, what would be Tracy's limits?

Would he commit an equally deplorable act and try to get his abuser to abuse another kid to set himself free?

Would he come up with some sort of self defense and abuse Joey back?

Would he do something that's actually moral but might seem immoral to someone who's been manipulated, like reporting his abusers?

I Think The Psychology Behind Joeys Actions Is Also Interesting Bc I Don’t Really Understand It And I’m The One Writing It LOL

When I Write I Like Writing Things I Think Other People Would Enjoy As Well As Myself So Idk If I Want It To Be Entirely Self Indulgent Just Mostly Bc There Is A Lot Of Ppl That Enjoy Smol Bean Bottom x Big Mean Top Like I Do

Honestly I Can’t See Tracy Actually Doing Something Super Bad The Worst Thing He’d Do Is Probably Be Mean To His Little Sister In Typical Middle Child + Big Brother Fashion And Calling Joey The F Slur Despite Knowing He Struggles With Internalized(And Tbh Externalized) Homophobia But Thats Not Like Awful And Most Defiantly Not Comparable With Being A Perpetrator Of SA And DV

So The Worst Tracy Is Gonna Do Is Be A Little Mean And Sassy Sometimes

For The Doing Something Moral That Might Seem Immoral Bc He’s Been Manipulated And Shit: Idk If This Is Considered Like A Morally Good Thing To Do But I Wouldn’t Say It’s Bad But Tracy Defiantly Feels Guilty Abt The Whole Thing With His Moms BF Even Tho He’s Technically Aware That What His Mothers BF Does Is Sexual Abuse And In Any Other Case The Victim Would Never Be At Fault He Still Blames Himself And Can’t Help But Feel Like He Did Something To Bring It On Himself His Brain Def Flip Flops Between “You Have A Perfectly Good Reason To Not Tell Your Mom Finding Out She Got With A Child Predator Would Kill Her + He Threatened You” And “The Fact This Has Been Going On For So Long And You Haven’t Told Your Mom Is Proof Your Basically Asking For It ATP Your Just Fucking Your Moms BF Bc You Want To” So He Definitely Feels Like He’s Doing Something Immoral There

I’m Still Trying To Figure Out If I He’ll Eventually Tell His Mother Abt Her BF Or Not My Original Plan Was For Joey To Be The One Who Helps Tracy Be Able To Finally Tell His Mom Abt It But I Think That’s Giving Him Too Much Credit TBH LOL Joeys Probably Worried If Tracy Realizes He Has The Ability To Report One Abuser He Might Realize He Has The Ability To Report Both Rendering Joey Both In Trouble With His Parents, With The School They Go To Probably, And Maybe Even The Law As Well As Leaving Him With One Less Tracy In His Life </3

Even Though Joey Beats On Tracy And Hates The Idea Of Anyone Else Touching Him He Also Genuinely Loves Tracy Even If He Has A Strange Way Of Displaying It

[sl-newsie]

The Secret Ingredient (Willy Wonka (2023) x Fickelgruber Daughter) Chapter Six: Allowed To Love

Masterlist: https://www.tumblr.com/sl-newsie/747510006135554048/the-secret-ingredient-willy-wonka-2023-x?source=share

Willy’s POV

I almost had it. I almost had everything… But I guess I need to keep being pushed away in order to keep others happy. Slugworth will never stop pushing me away. The best I can do is leave the Scrubbitts’ gang to their own free lives. Poor Noodle. I’m going to miss her. I just learned how to read and now we can’t find new books together.

“Sorry, Noodle,” I sing softly as I walk through the frosted streets for the last time.

I guess I got carried away.

Sorry, Noodle.

I hope you'll forgive me one day.”

Back at Scrubbitts I pack what little I have into my case and descend the creaking stairs. Mrs. Scrubbitts is waiting behind the counter with an ugly smirk.

“Checking out, are we?”

I almost had it. But you weren’t there, Mama. I waited. 

“I just wanted it

To feel the way that it did

When I was a kid.

Sorry, Noodle…”

And I’ll miss- No. Don’t think about her. It’s not worth it. How can she love me now? I have nothing. In ten years I’ll find her ruling the Fickelgruber empire with a rich man for a husband.

I look up across the inky night and spot the chocolatiers waiting on the docks. Along with the chief and- And someone else. 

Charlotte’s POV

Dear Willy,

By the time you learn to read this you will be far away from here and might have forgotten about me entirely (I wouldn’t blame you for it). I cannot properly express in words how deeply sorry I am, both for bringing on more distress to your business and for believing I could ever love properly. Yes, I am truly in love with you, Willy Wonka. I could never bring myself to say it because you deserve so much better than an awkward girl from a stuck-up family. It’s my fault you’re leaving and I will be forever in your debt for it. Wherever you may go, all I ask is that you keep smiling for me. The world needs your enthusiasm. It may not thank you for it, but that does not mean you are not appreciated.

With all my love,

Charlotte

I seal the envelope before my tears can stain the ink. Signed Charlotte, no last name. I never want to hear it again. 

“Your hair is still a mess,” father scolds from across my bedroom.

My eyes stay glued to the desk so he can’t see my sorrow. “I like it.”

“Just as well. You’re coming with us for Wonka’s sendoff.”

Oh God. How can I face him? After what happened he thinks I’m one of them. On the other hand if I don’t say goodbye then I will never forgive myself.

Father ushers me downstairs and outside to the waiting car. We sit in sharp silence while the whole time father stares straight ahead. He’s disappointed. Ashamed to have a poor excuse for a daughter who frolics about with poor people and makes up ridiculous dreams. 

Forget his opinion. When I was with Willy everything fell into place. Far better than anything that’s happened in my life. Now it will be going back to lessons. Back to waving at strangers through a window wishing I could fly away.

The car stops and father steps out. It’s time. We briskly stride across the darkened path towards where Slugworth and Prodnose are already waiting. So is the Chief.

“Sorry we’re late. I had a bit of a delay.” Father glares sideways at me. I’m a delay now.

“Just as well,” Slugworth smirks. “Our voyager approaches.”

I turn around and peer across the harbor. Here he comes, walking towards us down the twisted cobblestone path with a look that says he wants to walk any other opposite direction. Willy looks just as beaten down as he did a few hours ago.

Slugworth greets him with a malicious grin, holding up a barge ticket. “Ah, Mr. Wonka. Your ticket. One way, of course. To the North Pole. Goodbye, Mr. Wonka.” 

He passes Willy the ticket and crushes Willy’s hand in a handshake. I see him tense in pain but what brings more pain to his eyes is when Willy looks over and sees me. 

Deep breath. I need to do this. Even if he’s still upset with me. With a few awkward steps I move forward and we press into a quick hug. I pass the envelope into his shaking hand. But instead of reading it Willy slips the letter under his hat.

“Goodbye,” I whisper, my small voice frail as a newborn.

All of the sorrow and loneliness swimming behind those brown eyes makes me want to never let go and take him far away from all of this. Willy attempts to smile but we both know this is the end.

“Goodbye.”

He climbs the ramp onto the barge and the vessel pulls away from the dock. Farther and farther. Off to a distant frozen wasteland that will kill what’s left of Willy’s dream once and for all.

“Now we just wait for the fireworks,” Slugworth chuckles darkly.

My blood runs cold. “Father, what is he talking about?”

“We’ve arranged for an accident, in which he dies!” Prodnose responds snobbishly.

“Dear Lord- you’re going to kill him!” I race to the edge and scream across the bay. “Willy don’t! It’s a trick-!” 

Before I can scream another word, I feel a gloved hand shoved over my mouth. Father pulls my hair to make me turn away as my muffled screams die out.

“W- What will you do to him?” I ask in a shaking whisper.

Slugworth cackles. “Let’s just say that the pathetic excuse for a chocolate maker will have his spirits sunk.”

Kaboom!

A sudden spark of orange blooms from the distant ship. In mere milliseconds the air is squeezed from my lungs. He’s dead. The man I love isn’t just sailing away. He’s going to Heaven. I’ll never see him again… 

I fall to my knees, still staring at the billowing smoke with my mouth gaping. This is all my fault.

“Well gentlemen, one dead chocolatier, as requested,” the Chief speaks up.

They all go back to discussing sabotage, though not before father has one last remark.

“It’s for the best, dear. You would have been a fool to have continued conversing with that buffoon,” he declares. “Now don’t dottle. And wipe those pathetic tears off your face.”

He starts walking back with the others, leaving me crumpled on the cold cement like a discarded candy wrapper. The trio struts off and I’m left alone in the inky night. 

Without hope, 

We are empty. 

Hope is what supplies us with the will to live. 

Willy was my only hope. My dearest friend, my only friend. Now I’m trapped in this empire forever. 

Hope is like water. 

Resilient.

Always flowing… 

Like the freezing black water below me. I can almost reach out and touch it. Maybe let all my troubles go… Are those ripples? 

I’m going mad. There’s something in the water but it’s no fish. Could it-?

“Whoo! Made it!”

A figure grabs onto the dock ladder and I hear them climbing up. No- This is all in my head. Right?

“Charlotte?”

Willy, sopping wet, sees me sprawled on the cold ground with a bewitched look. Hope lives again!

I scramble up and Willy pulls me into a tight embrace. “My God- you’re alive! You’re- you’re-!”

Tears start pouring down my cheeks and I have to wrap my arms around Willy to keep from falling. He must really hate me now. My father is behind the plot that nearly killed him! But I put that thought aside because all I focus on now is how overjoyed I am to see he’s alive. Pull yourself together! He's chilled to the bone!

“Wait- what’s wrong?” Willy notices my uneven breathing and his eyes scan my face. “Your eyes are sad but your face looks like it’s fighting itself.”

His words only edge my tears on even more and I hiccup to choke down a sob.

“N-No. I c-can’t cry,” I try but fail to say in a steady voice.

Willy gets a confused look and seems to rethink my statement. “How can someone not cry?”

Why does he have to make this so hard?! He just escaped death and he’s talking to me as if we’re on a friendly walk in the park!

“I’m not used to feeling… this much. M-My father doesn’t allow crying. When I was younger, every time I’d get upset or sad he’d reply that he ‘doesn’t do emotions’ and would tell me to go talk to my mother. When she-” I gulp. “When she passed I never wanted to talk to anyone because all my life my emotions have been seen as a burden, that I’m weak. I learned to bottle them up and control them, but there are times when I’d burst. Whether it be at a passerby in the street or a poor maid in the wrong place at the wrong time, I’d come undone and shout, yell, or just burst into tears.”

I swallow and try to get a grip on myself, thankful that Willy’s been quiet to let me explain. “That’s why father tucked me away. That’s why hardly anyone knows who I am. Because he’s ashamed to have a daughter as an heiress, especially one who’s currently a teenager and is emotionally unstable.”

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid. As much as I hate to think it, Willy needs to leave me. Now. He needs to get far away from here before Slugworth sees he survived. And instead he’s holding me closer.

“Willy, you need to leave. Get to somewhere safe-”

“No,” he cuts me off. “You’ve gone through a life that’s suppressed love, suppressed dreams. I want you to cry, Charlotte.”

That does it. Everything, everything that’s held me back to be father’s perfect heiress, obliterates. All feelings of happiness and bittersweet memories crash through me and I cry all that I have into Willy’s chest. The whole time my body shakes with sobs he rubs my back and reminds me what love feels like. Love.

“W-Willy… I miss it. This- This is what it felt like when my mother was alive.”

My mind’s beginning to get a grip on myself. In a pinch of courage I lift my eyes to his and it’s like a new awakening. 

“I read your letter. And I want you to know that I will never be able to forget you, Charlotte. I wanted to tell you but things, um, didn’t go as planned,” Willy whispers. “Charlotte… I can’t give you much. I’d give you the world if I could-”

“No, Willy.” Through my tears a smile appears. “You’ve given me your world. You give me love. And that’s all I could ever ask for.”

Is he crying too? In the dark I see Willy wearing the same smile. So he doesn’t hate me after all. He cares for me, he loves me, because I’m me. Not because of my last name. Not because of money. Now I have my whole life to make it up to him.

“I’m assuming you’re not going to leave town?” He shakes his head and my smile grows. “Good. Be rather disappointing if you did. What’s the plan now?”

Something in Willy snaps and his witty energy returns. He grabs my hand and we start running down the dark path.

“Now we rescue Noodle! I’ve got a plan. You’ve heard of the vault?”

“Yes. But my father won’t tell me where it is.”

“But Abacus does! What I need from you is to be our man on the inside!” He stops for a moment and presses a quick kiss to my cheek. “Or rather our incredibly cute lady on the inside. Whaddya say?”

The sudden motion sends butterflies rippling through me and I give a sincere nod. “I’m on your side.”

Lord, I hope this works. If I’m going to pull this off I really will have to be a true Fickelgruber. I have my doubts but Willy says I can do it. So I’ll do it.

“Charlotte, I trust you’ve come to your senses?” Father asks when I join him for breakfast. Instead of my giddy pink dress I’m wearing a business dress with his signature green color.

“Indeed, father. That Wonka fellow was completely bonkers,” I chortle. “It was stupid of me to ever engage in such riffraff.”

The disgusting words pour off my tongue and I swear they’re poison to me. Every time I discredit Willy it’s like a stab in the stomach.

“I’m glad to see you now see things our way,” Father comments, still looking at the newspaper.

Time to put the plan into action. “I was actually thinking of accompanying you to today’s meeting, to start my official apprenticeship for the company.”

This catches his attention. Not in an incredibly good way but hopefully in an agreeable one.

“Hm. You’re still unbelievably whimsical,” Father tuts, giving me a doubtful stare. “Well… Oh, alright. But you must do exactly as I say.”

A clever smirk makes its way onto my face. Don’t I always? “Yes, father.”

[ssodiepop]

[Huge TW: mentions of neglect/abuse & some heavier sexual topics]

I don’t really have anywhere else to put this, so I’m kind of tossing this to the void where I feel not many people will see it. But good god I feel wonderful

After a year and a half I finally have the closure I need to move on with my life and not feel as weighed down by it anymore.

Although I had my faults too and had some behaviors I will fully own up to no hesitation, my ex abused me emotionally (even if unintentionally) and sexually damaged me. I have gone no contact with her since July of last year (a few months after our breakup). Originally I (and her family) thought this was harsh, but after opening up about my side of the story to my friend (who’s also her family) a year and a half after the split I feel finally understood. I feel seen and heard and understood. I was cheated on emotionally (once again, even if it was unintentional, by definition this is what happened), treated like shit, constantly got blown off, and had sexual encounters that would bring back old paranoia from a former friend who coerced me into something that left me paranoid for years. I was made to feel ugly for being afab, she constantly talked of wanting a “man” and saying she’d let me watch if it made me more comfortable to let her have sex with men in the future. I was “in the way” of her “college dating experience”. I was in no way a saint, I had deep, troubling flaws that surfaced during the relationship. But now that I’m in a healthier relationship, I can say those more toxic behaviors have either become way less rampant or have disappeared entirely. This is in no way blaming my ex, what I did was entirely my fault. But I can certainly say the healthier dynamic and communication has helped me work on myself. My sense of self beauty has been damaged, and it’s slowly being restored by my wonderful partner. I’m learning to forgive myself and not fault myself for EVERYTHING that happened. I don’t mourn my ex truly, more was haunted by everything I felt to sheepish to speak up about as to not cause conflict with my friend and their family.

But it’s over. It finally feels over. I can finally rest and let it go because people believe me, and listened. That’s really all I needed to finally shake off what was left of my angst and bitterness and resentment.

And thank you to my boyfriend for listening to me talk about this stuff. And thank you to him for encouraging me to finally open up about the situation with people who care about me. Only my mother, a lifelong friend, and my boyfriend previously knew about this in detail (and even then only my boyfriend knew EVERYTHING). I can finally feel less scared of revealing something that would end my friendships. Because in reality my friendships are so much stronger than I could’ve ever wished for and I’m thankful to be supported in all corners about this. Thank you to my friends and family forever this is getting so sappy but I really can’t overstate it

It finally feels over. I’m free

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Azusa Maniac [10]

Monologue

ーー Even though we had been released from our prison cell,

now that we have been labeled as traitors,

it would be wise not to set foot outside carelessly. 

Following said advice from Ruki-kun,

we decided to borrow one of the rooms,

inside the manor.

What will we do now? 

Once we had made ourselves comfortable,

we began to discuss the matter, however...

Yui: ( I still can’t believe it. That the guys are now considered traitors. )

( I’d love to help them somehow, but what can I do...? )

Hey, Azusa-kun. Did you come up with any good ideas yet?

Azusa: ...It’s only a suggestion but...

Can’t we simply go to the Sakamaki’s to lift the misunderstanding, like how we did back then with King Zweig...?

Yui: In other words, you want to talk to Kanato-kun directly?

Azusa: Yeah. 

Yui: ( But...Considering how things went down when Kanato-kun came to Eden the other day... )

ー A flashback ensues

Kanato: You really caused us a lot of trouble. I’ve been through hell and back as a result of your actions!

It’s all your fault, Azusa! So you solve it now!

ー The flashback ends

Yui: ...

( There’s no way he’d listen. Honestly, I could even imagine the worst case possible happening... )

Azusa: I guess that won’t work after all...?

Yui: Oh no. Not necessarily, but...

Hey, Ruki-kun. What do you think...?

Ruki: Your suggestion is sensible enough. However...

...

Azusa: Ruki...?

Ruki: I am fairly certain that the Sakamaki Family is aware of our innocence. 

They are most likely putting the blame in our shoes regardless. 

Yui: No way...

Kou: Excuse me!? So they’re using us to their own advantage!? 

Yuma: Nah, I wouldn’t put that past Kanato. He’s always been like that, hasn’t he? 

Kou: ...I mean, you do have a point. 

Yuma: Either way, it doesn’t change from the fact that we’re now ‘traitors’. 

Which means both the entire human and Demon World have become our enemy.

Yui: ...Ugh...

( I know we can’t stay here forever. )

( However, if we were to live, we’d have to live with the constant fear of getting caught... )

Azusa: Why would...The Sakamaki’s do such a thing...? 

Kou: ...I mean it’s not like we were ever friends to start with. I guess they just decided to toss us aside. 

I mean, that’s just the true nature of Demons, no?

They have no issue cutting ties with the people they know or even killing them, like it’s the most normal thing ever.

Azusa: That’s...

Kou: Why are you trying to deny it? 

Don’t you remember how much trouble Kanato caused you the other day?

Azusa: That doesn’t bother me. It all turned out fine in the end after all...

Yuma: So? If Azusa’s plan won’t work, what are we gonna do next?

Did ya come up with a good plan, Ruki?

Ruki: ...

Yui: ( Ruki-kun looks conflicted... )

( But...I guess we can’t blame him for not being able to think of anything. )

( There’s no way we can get out of this situation without having to make some sort of sacrifice... )

Azusa: ...I have to go.

ー Azusa gets up

Yui: ...? Where are you going? 

Azusa: Now that we’ve been labeled as traitors...I’m sure that the Sakamaki Family will come to steal you away...

Yui: ...!

Azusa: I...don’t want to lose you so...

That’s why I can’t sit still...!

ー Azusa leaves the room

Yui: A-Azusa-kun!?

Selection

→ Go after him (❦)

Yui: ( I’ll go with him. )

( I won’t leave him to his own devices again, nor do I want to...! )

ー Yui leaves the room as well

→ Don’t go after him

Yui: ( I wonder where he’s headed...? )

( I’d love to go after him but he might see it as unnecessary pampering again... )

Kou: M-neko-chan, why not go after him if you’re worried?

Yui: B-But...

Yuma: You’re gonna get left behind if ya keep worryin’ ーー Come on!

ー Yuma gives her a light push

*Thud* 

Yui: ーー !

Monologue

I hurriedly chased after Azusa-kun,

after he had left the room. 

Almost as if he was ready (覚悟) to face his own fate,

Azusa-kun kept a calm and steady (落ち着いた) pace.

I wonder what’s going through his mind right now?

Why does he have such a strong look in his eyes...?

It left me questioning,

but I could not bring myself to ask him why.

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[kittyprincessofcats]

RWBY V9 E8(!) meta - NND is real and Little is totally Penny, the 2nd

[tw for death, suicide, torture, psychological torture, animal death]

Just to make one thing clear up-front: I have not yet watched V9E9 and I’m writing this before watching it because I still wanted to get this theory out there even if E9 proves me wrong right afterwards lol.

(Basically, I was originally going to write this before E9′s release, but a) my constant stomach pains were making it hard to write anything and b) E8 was really hard for me to deal with, so I needed some time to recover from it all before I could bring myself to rewatch it. I was wondering if I should now even bother to write this at all, because what if the next episode proves me wrong right away? But screw it, I’m in this fandom to have fun and I wanted to at least belatedly jump onto the “this episode is a NND-angst fiest” hype train, so here goes nothing.)

I initially thought the only reason E8 upset me so much was Little’s death and yes, that was the main reason. (I just really, really can’t cope with children or child-like characters dying in media. Yes, I know they’ll be fine because ascension (they better be!). Yes, I also know it was thematically necessary regardless of whether they’re Penny or geniunely just a little baby mouse - they represent the last bit of hope Ruby still had and she needed to lose that. I understand all of that, but that didn’t make the way it happened any less disturbing to me.) But upon rewatch, I think that wasn’t the only part that upset me. Ruby drinking the tea and especially the entire torture-show before that weren’t easy to watch either (her getting beaten up by the Ozpin illusion made me look away).

That said, it still is an absolutely brilliant episode and I’m so thrilled it finally gave me the all NND-angst I’ve been asking for and more. (I’m a bit miffed that I couldn’t fully enjoy that angst because... yeah, but still!) Also shout out to all my fellow NND-shippers who’ve been writing the most brilliant posts about this episode! I haven’t replied to them, but seriously, you guys have been the happiest part of dealing with this episode - and I will be repeating some of what all of you have already said here because it felt wrong not to include it.

So, enough talk, let's get into this episode:

Right off the bat, there’s this brilliant conversation between Ruby and Little:

Ruby: Why are you still here?

Little: Uh... what? I promised.

Ruby: I promised to serve Atlas as a Huntress. That I’d keep people safe. That I’d be there for my friends.

Little: But... we can go back.

Ruby: No! You don’t know what I’ve done! What I couldn’t do! I can’t do this! I could never do this. If you stay with me, you’re going to end up dead, too. Just. Go. Home.

Little: But you’re my...

Ruby: I said go!

So... we agree that from Ruby’s side this conversation was about Penny, right? Ruby just had her fight with the others and got yelled at by Jaune who blamed her for Penny’s death and now she’s blaming herself. Little says they promised to help Ruby, to which Ruby points out her own “broken” promises. The cruical part to their misunderstanding here is that Little thinks Ruby means WBYJ when she talks about being there for her friends, hence their reply of “But we can go back.” (But we can go back and then you can be there for your friends.) But Ruby wasn’t talking about WBYJ, she was talking about Penny (“I promised to serve Atlas [...]. That I’d keep people safe”) and she can’t go back to save Penny. That’s why she snaps at Little and tells them they don’t know what she’s done, “what she couldn’t do” (=she couldn’t save Penny), and tells them to leave before they end up dead, too (=just like Penny).

Also “But you’re my...” took me out. Was it supposed to be “But you’re my home” 🥺? (Or maybe “But you’re my purpose”?). Whether Little is Penny or not, that line is so incredibly sweet (it definitely supports the idea that they are Penny, though!)

In general, I just find it interesting that Ruby is having this convesation (about Penny, even if that part isn’t spoken out loud) with Little. And that she’s specifically replying to Little’s promise to guide her with her own failure to protect Penny (as if that had something to do with each other, as if she was talking to Penny).

Can I just say, I love how all of Neo’s illusions are just slightly off. Penny’s expressions are all wrong and her “Sal-u-tations” had the wrong emphasis. Pyrrha seems all off too and not just because of the new engine. I love how all of them are just slightly wrong (except for Roman) and that only makes them creepier.

Okay so I can’t take any credit for this observation, it was @desib717​ who wrote a brilliant post about it here, but upon rewatch it really stood out to me too, so I still wanted to include it: The way these two shots follow directly after one another makes it look like Little is crooking their head in confusion at the sight of Penny - as if they’ve seen her before and are confused to see her here like this.

Again, I’m not the first to point this out, but the fact that Neo doesn’t even make Penny angry and just portrays her as *sad* because that’ll hurt Ruby more... ouch.

Penny’s swords (that have been used as a symbol of Ruby’s grief throughout the volume) separating Ruby from Crescent Rose (her identity) - again, I’m not the first to point this out, I just wanted to still include it here.

Illusion!Penny: “Can you imagine what that’s like? To be completely and utterly failed, time and again, by someone who meant the world to you?”

And there’s our semi-confirmation. Penny canonically meant the world to Ruby. (I thought it was the other way around at first, but no - again, shout out to everyone’s NND-metas for explaining this! - Penny isn’t real here. This is just Neo’s illusion. This doesn’t necessarily say anything about how the real Penny felt about Ruby. However, Ruby’s reaction to hearing this confirms that Penny did mean the world to Ruby.) Seriously, how are you going to watch this and tell me the writers aren’t at least somewhat intentionally implying NND here? Sure, you can platonically “mean the world” to someone, but like... they’re really laying this on thick, I’m just saying.

(Also the fact that even Neo, who didn’t even know Penny all that well, still picked up on this enough to realize how to portray Penny’s feelings to hurt Ruby.)

Baby mouse, just run away please... they love Ruby so much don’t touch me 😭. They just wanted to help; I’m not okay 😭. I swear if we don’t get some sort of confirmation that Little is okay by the end of the volume I might just actually drop the show Okay no, I probably wouldn’t, there’s still my girl Cinder to root for but like... I’d at least think about it.

Again, not my observation, but every dead person turns into someone alive they have something to do with, and Penny turns into Yang (both love Ruby).

Curious Cat: “When a poor little heart is broken, I can fill it with mine.”

Are we going to talk about how the CC specifically uses the expression “broken heart”, which is known to have a romantic connotation? Ruby’s grief for Penny is referred to as a “broken heart”. Nuts and Dolts is literally real, I’m telling you!

Also later, when the CC decides to possess Neo instead, they say: “You’ve lost something most important, haven’t you?” - so they’re directy paralleling Ruby’s grief for Penny with Neo’s grief for Roman here. And idk about you, but to me the framing of Neo’s feelings for Roman definitely seemed to be romantic in this episode, I mean look at this:

So yeah, if this^ is also how Ruby felt about Penny... you get where I’m going with this.

Tiny mouse just actually takes on an eldritch creature because  they love Ruby so much. 

I’m not going to include pictures of what happens directly after this, because again, I genuinely find it too upsetting - but the music and the framing and how it’s Little’s death that finally pushes Ruby over the edge... at this point I really just want Little to be Penny because seriously, the romantic framing of it all (dying togehter, ascending togehter, come on!):

(Shout out to @cosmokyrin​ for your brilliant NND as Romeo and Juilet art and commentary; that was my favourite piece of fanwork to come out of this episode!)

Another super important thing to go into here is the fact that Ruby ascending confirms that the cat was lying about non-Afterans being unable to ascend. When they first said that only Afterans can ascend, I thought “oh well, there goes the Little is Penny theory” - but now we know people from Remnant can ascend and it’s implied they will ascend if they “die” while in the Ever After.

So now the only question is - was the Central Location (the doorway-place between Atlas/Mantle and Vacuo) a part of the Ever After? I can’t answer that for sure, but we know it definitely wasn’t a part of Remnant. Looking back into V8E12 Creation:

Weiss: “We need to funnel everybody through a central location first.”

Ambrosius: “You’re gonna have to tell me more about about this central location. For starters: Where is it?”

Yang: “Here. A place like these vaults. Wherever they are, they’re not part of Remnant. Only accessible if you know the right way in. Seems like a safe enough place for thousands of refugees.”

Ambrosius: “You kids are either smarter... or much more foolish than you realize.”

Keywords being “not part of Remnant”. And Ambrosius’ reaction as well as his “Do not fall” warning makes clear that he knows exactly where the central location is and where falling will make you end up. Long story short, I’d say it’s at least implied that the central location was part of the Ever After and therefore, if the same rules apply there, Penny couldn’t have died, she would have ascended.

So yeah. Now watch me be clowned by the next episode right away, but I’m saying Little is Penny.