#but I think if I keep trying to “fix” im just going to end up more frustrated | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slutshamethesquirrels · 20 hours

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Your JJK Fav + Why I think You're Single

hi so i did a version of this on tiktok way back when but i feel like i didn't have as great of an understanding of these characters and their respective fans as i do now. please keep in mind that this is purely my OPINION!!!! (my correct opinion)(im kidding)

Gojo - This one's a little hard because there are subsections of Gojo stans. You have the bad bitches, the coolest of the cool Gojo meat riders and then you have (incoherent screeching). I'm gonna assume you are the former here.

Y'all really love the idea of a partner, not actually having one. I feel like y'all will have talking stages a plenty, but when it comes to the nitty gritty y'all are not riders. Not that you don't want to be, no no you'd love to find your person but at some point friends you gotta realize that your person is gonna come with an ick or two you might not like. Relationships are about compromise. Real people simply can't be hot, rich, talented, strong, and funny all at once!! You're getting three of those at best.

Geto - I feel a need to disclose here that I am a Geto girly. I feel like most of us are chill, if not a bit odd // willing to swing.

Babes,,,, and im gonna touch ur clit when I say this-- Real life relationships aren't supposed to have intense cycles of highs and lows. Thats,, thats the cycle of abuse friends. Genuine, healthy connections actually aren't supposed to make you feel like you wanna rip their chest open and crawl inside. I know, i know you can't get attached unless you feel insane about them- but we have to stop this.

Nanami - Again, I feel like Nanami girls have a wide umbrella, but generally I think Nanami stans are very nice people. Nanami, for the most part, is the safest healthiest choice.

Put down the fuckin calculators. I am contacting cafe astrology as we speak and having them ban your IP from accessing their domain anymore. No, put your wallet away, we are not PAYING a psychic to tell you your most recent crush is not your soulmate. Y'all are over-analyzers, over-thinkers, and have a list of requirements for a partner that is twelve miles long. Maybe just talk to people?? Hmm?? Make a connection??

Choso - Oh, Choso stans,,,, loves of my life. Y'all are cool. Like genuinely actually fucking cool. Kiss me.

Okay, so I actually need you guys to see red flags as what they are. No, he doesn't coincidentally have 13 insane exes that won't stay out of his DMs. He did something to all of them. No, its not cute and sweet that he has to call his mommy and tell her goodnight and goodmorning everyday with kissy noises. That man is 24. No, Dominoes pizza did not text him and ask if he was up at 2AM. ur too optimistic, baby. I love you. Get a grip.

Toji - I have knocked noggins with more Toji stans than I care to admit in this fandom, however the ones I do vibe with are SUPER cool. Again, I feel like Gojo/Toji stans have that same thing. Im gonna assume you're the cool variety.

I feel like a lot of your relationships start purely based on sexual/physical attraction, and then get explosive bc yall didn't actually like eachother, you just liked the way the other one looked. I can definitely see this leading to maybe not abusive, but definitely toxic situations. and the thing is i feel like toji stans actually would make a BOMB partner but yall will settle for shitty people because theyre hot and then end up locking yourself in the bathroom and going through their phone while they bang on the door and scream from the other side.

Sukuna - This is the one I have the least interaction with on the day to day. Y'all fascinate me. Just out here doing you. I feel like most Sukuna stans are actually probably some of the sanest of the bunch, they seem to just slide in, post their fan works and dip. I respect it.

You can't fix him. no, no, you can't. stop trying. he's already grown. you cannot raise him.

#shamesy peed on this post to mark her territory #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk headcanons #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #geto #gojo #choso #sukuna #toji #jjk x reader #geto suguru #kamo choso #kento nanami #nanami

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ukumiii · 1 year

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this is not what I meant when I told you to shut your music down

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #nakahara chuuya #bsd chuuya #chuuya nakahara #stormbirnger #post stormbringer #missing the flags hours #I miss them sm #I want them back :(#chuuya not being able to sleep bc he was used to a lot of noise at sleep hours #and then everything is so quite that he can't just fall asleep #bc he's not used to that #idk if I like this drawing or not #I have mixed feelings #but I think if I keep trying to “fix” im just going to end up more frustrated #so this is all you're getting

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pekoeboo · 4 days

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man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.

idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;

#spectre says #text post #delete later probably #tbh i'm so tired of being tired #i've had like. no energy to write or draw #even tho. the ideas are there. i've got so many concepts going through my head that i could work on and turn into some kind of tangible art #i tried writing out a new outline for act ii but i got overwhelmed with all the changes and plot holes that still need working out #so idk if i'll even continue with that #even tho it's just bullet points #fhgdjkfg #anyway #the idea of writing everything in novel form just sounds like. SO perfect for the story as it is now #i'd love. to establish both khalan and antony as main characters and focus on what happens to both of them while in Atria #eventually having their stories collide when antony's side of things merges with what's going on with khalan and aya #it'd feel less jarring than how it worked out in the journal #because this part of the story is just as much antony's story as it is khalan and aya's #and he's ultimately the one who fixes things and has 'main character energy' by the end of that act #so establishing him as one of the tertiary main characters early on makes sense i think #but yeah. there's just a lot i'd need to do and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up with it if i did try to start writing.#IM JUST RAMBLING NOW IM SORYO #it's just been on the brain i guess

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faaun · 1 month

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ok let's catch up quickly

#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth #(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian #like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told #him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive #fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research #(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux #to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him #my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept #insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them #and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating #apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they #keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading #this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY #JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT #NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn #this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore #i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt #himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure #even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin #right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love #her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her #its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking #kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD #i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society #feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO #WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best #its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good #one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much

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quietwingsinthesky · 3 months

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you know what would be fun enrichment for thirteen. putting her in a time loop starting the moment she lands on gallifrey with the master.

#he’s like im going to tell you the tr- and she goes. i know. i know everything.#but see the thing is that her just saying that doesn’t change anything.#he still cybers the dead. she still leaves him to die.#she has to do it again. and again. and again.#there’s just whole times she spends staying in the matrix until time runs out instead of breaking it. trying to find more.#or there’s times she doesn’t even let him get started. where she beats him to the ground because she’s seen him do this so many times and #she’s fucking ANGRY. she’s angry. i think she kills him. at least once. whether or not she meant to is another question.#she gives in and clicks the button maybe and kills them both. it changes nothing. she’s back at the beginning.#she can’t leave unless he leaves with her. and he wants to die rather than do that. so she’s just going to have to keep trying.#get exhausted. get up. keep trying. save her friends. watch them die. blow up the cybermen. leave them alone. kill the master. set him loos #it doesn’t end unless it ends with them together. maybe one day she’ll find out what to say.#how many times can you watch your friend self-destruct. how many times will you have to.#fun enrichment activities for thirteen!!!!!!#it doesn’t fix things. btw. if she gets him alive off the planet. it just means she leaves the time loop.#maybe that has to be enough.#thirteenth doctor

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mejomonster · 2 months

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I hate panic attacks

#rant #which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them #i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything #ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me #but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually #but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks #im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade #ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself #turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for #trigger from self hating thiught loops #it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u #physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in #the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation #but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself #in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last #longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more #im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours #im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for #hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying #in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop #altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life #and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway

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arcaneyouth · 9 days

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WAAA WEIRD VENTING IN THE TAGS RAAAUGHGAH WATCH OUT

#vent post #negative #i am coming to despise having a body at all which is not a pleasant feeling i gotta be honest #think i may need to go into urgent care. AGAIN. to pick up antibiotics. AGAIN #and thinking about it is making me feel actually disgusting #i kinda dont know how to deal with this. ive never hated my body this much #theres too many problems. and the source of the problems is my body #so i really wish i could just crawl out of my skin and stop being physical #i need to get out. so bad #i hate the constant management of a machine that should just be replaced at this point #i hate begging for a moment of peace only for all the problems to blow up all at once again #i hate not knowing how to fix it #i haaate that i keep having to go in. for the same reoccuring problems. and do the process over again #where we try something small. it works and then it doesnt. we try something bigger.#repeatedly until finally the problem ends. for a moment.#i hate that its not bad enough to justify anything either #its like. im ALMOST healthy. but NEVER quite there.#and its fucking taunting me with that #also even when im not in some kinda pain or discomfort i am fucking constantly aware #of my own heartbeat now thanks to the last 6 months of my doctors bringing it up #and it is so fucking awful being aware of it holy shit i dont want to know its doing that #i really dont want to keep meeting up with all my various doctors so often #theyre making me feel so. bad. and scared. and gross.#just by doing their jobs #but its not like i can stop going to the doctors. the problems clearly dont want to stop on their own #but i dont think they know how to make it stop either at this point #so im just here with a shitty body trying to do unhelpful maintenance forever n ever

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frecklystars · 2 months

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Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

#self harm mention #<- in the tags #vent #im sorry ill delete this later #ok im gonna try to sleep now and my queue will just post while im gone. as always #i am so tempted to stay offline for another month but i know that will be bad for me #i need to make love notes again. try to self ship again. but i dont feel anything for any f/os #i self harmed at work last night in the storage closet just to feel physical pain for 2 seconds instead of intense anxiety #why do i feel like i did a year ago?? why am i suddenly So Fucking Bad right now??#why am i relapsing so fucking hard?????#no. i know why. but i cant do anything to control/fix that situation so. cool. coolcoolcool #i am just doomed to never heal i think this is my new life now im just always gonna be dealing with this #i never would have imagined my life would ever get this bad. i wish i could go back in time #idk how to explain to ppl without cptsd this shit just EATS at you every single second youre alive #i cant function and i thought id be better by now but im not. i keep reliving everything that happened to me and i cant relax #ok i need to sleep its 6am. ill queue this for. whenever i dont care it doesnt matter #im sorry if i end up not answering any dms today im Going Thru It

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ghosttownwherenoonegoes · 2 years

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Tw vent in tags

#i csnt do this anymore #seriously considering dropping out again #i can't keep up and always end up in shitty situations bc i never follow my schedule properly 😩#i hate the way i keep repeating the same cycle #I don't see the point in trying anymore #i AM trying no matter what i say but I'm just... idk #im starting to emotionally shut down #just told Taylor i didnt have time for eddie like???? i always have time for eddie #i think fi i stay up all night i can save this #fix the beinf so far behind its almost impossible to cstcj up #im either gonna lose my shit and break stuff #or keep goinf bc like ozzy says #kickinf back dont make it #i csnt do this im sorry Uncle Wayne 💔#im gonna cry just thinking abt how disapproving and disappointed in me he would be rn #im 2 weeks behind on uni #1 week is last semester one week is this semester #still catching up on last semester before i can start the assignment due in 4 days and its a big one #and ehile this frantic catch-up is going on the new semester is ongoing so im behind there too #fuck this i wanna drop out so bad #sorry eddie and uncle wayne for disappointing you #im so angry at myself i could vomit #stupid fucking lazy bitch #this happened bc pulling too mzny hours at work #but i need the money to support my parents #this is all for a future i dont even believe in so whats the point???#im never gonna achieve my dream of beinf a neuropsychologist #im not a natural hardworker snd i always do thus and i hate myself

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carcarrot · 1 year

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thats it im going to go laser mode

#this sounds cool but im really just getting ready to make a dermatologist appointment #i havent seen one in some time but god im sick and tired of my skin. i cant keep trying new topical products and hoping they work #so i may just go and see a dermatologist and try to get laser treatment. fun!#my old yeller form of insurance also wont be covering that but god i literally don't care anymore. ive put up w this for abt a decade now #i think im just tired of a lot of things today/at the end of this week and its taking its toll #but im especially :( abt how i look and i feel like if i cant change it Right Now ill explode. having a normal one #ill be ok its just. again i think dealing w stuff for a long time its like ok ive got to fix this finally somehow

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dreamcast-official · 1 year

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hm.

#eli.txt #i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them.#sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life.#and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore.#i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god.#thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!!#i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore.#idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake.#how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know.#and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse #AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE.#I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU.#I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME.#I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT.#god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything.#maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore.#which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me.#god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone.#i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone.#i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking.#no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont.#god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(