#but am i mad?

[ashfordlabs]

romance snippet tag!

rules: describe your wip's main romance in a 1-4 sentence snippet

i was tagged by @verba-writing thank you so much!!

okay so this really got away from me. and when i say got away from me, i mean, i don't know if it even fits what was asked, plus it's long (longer than where cursed bodies is currently at), but in my defence, i really wanted to do this tag and this scene but i didn't have it written, so everything you're gonna read was pulled from my cb plans and just written. and i think that's a perfectly fine reason to write so much, especially when eli and theo are involved. and speaking of, this is in eli's pov, if it was in theo's, it would be shorter (but not by much).

tagging (no pressure!): @kaiusvnoir @emelkae @imbrisvastatio + anyone else who wants to take part!

"we shouldn't be doing this," was what theo said to him when they pulled apart, words barely above a whisper that for a moment, eli barely heard him.

eli cleared his throat, suddenly being thrown in the present, his mind not lingering on the feeling of theo’s lips on his, the feeling of his hands gripping onto eli’s shirt as if it were a lifeline─ absolutely not. he refused to let himself think of it despite how much he wanted to pull theo in close and do it all again, because theo was right, they shouldn’t have done it and what was worse was that it was eli who crossed the line.

“no,” he replied, inching away from theo. “you’re right. you were having a moment and I─”

“you do realise that if i really thought that, i would've pushed you away?” theo stated, brow arched as his eyes stared into eli’s own, making him squirm under the contact. he always had that effect on him, one look and eli felt like theo was looking right through him. mayumi had said that was just theo, and while that might’ve been true, eli hadn’t met someone like theo, and that fucking terrified him. “there was no taking advantage. but. . . I shouldn’t have done it.”

it shouldn’t have stung, but it did. yet what did eli expect? theo was dealing with his brother which was its own problem, especially after theo had admitted there was more to it moments before they kissed. and eli, well, eli had already fucked up by falling for him, but eli’s number one rule was that he didn’t get involved with clients. and no matter how many times eli had tried to remind himself that theo wasn’t just a client, but more of a partner involved in this, yet the end of it all, theo was still the one paying them.

it also meant this; that once nathaniel ashford was behind bars, or maybe dead as eli had been hoping for since they had started this, theo had no right to stay with them. he wasn’t like henry or eli and despite the similarities in their lifestyle, he wasn’t even like Dorothea, meaning he could walk away from it all. go back to france and live his life, whatever that was, without them. all while eli would go back to being a gun for hire, working at persephone’s and wallowing in the what could have been that was theodore ashford.

just like he was in that moment, too wrapped up in the what if of a future that even eli didn’t know whether it would happen or not. that was enough for him to realise just had deep he had fallen.

“whatever you’re thinking, it’s wrong, like usual,” theo said, pulling eli out of his thoughts.

“how do you know what I’m thinking?”

“I don’t, just that you’re overthinking.” he then reached a hand forward and gently cupped eli’s cheek, the older man leaning into theo’s touch. “you get this faraway look on your face, you do it a lot, especially when we’re talking about my brother.”

those times, eli was simply thinking about all the ways he could murder nathaniel ashford in theo’s name, well, maybe more for theo since those thoughts happen every time theo admitted some cruel truth about how his older brother treated him. it was present now more than ever upon the discovery of just how trapped theo truly was.

“when I say we shouldn’t be doing this,” theo continued. “I don’t mean never, I mean now, because I can’t give my brother more ammunition against me. we’ve hopefully gotten him off my back after what we did tonight, but. . .” he trailed off, hand slipping from eli’s cheek as he tried to figure out the words to say, his fingers beginning to fiddle with the metal chain he always had wrapped around his wrist. without thinking, eli reached for theo’s hand and in doing so, pulling theo’s focus to them where he began twisting the rings around eli’s fingers. “I want this. . . I want you. . . but I can’t. . . I can’t be seen with you in public, can’t fucking walk down the street with you without someone pointing a camera at us and posting it everywhere─”

“I don’t care about that,” eli interrupted. “if you’re worried about people connecting the dots between me and what I do, you shouldn’t. you can’t do what I do without being careful and I am.”

he didn’t want to admit that there was part of him that wanted to say he’d give it all up just for theo. it’s a small part of him, but it existed, and it was just another thing that terrified him, and it would appear that the list was ever growing.

“that’s not. . . my brother finds out and it’ll be over before it even starts,” theo admitted, voice wavering as he spoke. “I don’t want to hide but I have too because otherwise my brother─” he then cut himself off, eli unsure whether it was for his sake, or theo’s own, but either way, he knew what theo couldn’t say out loud. he had heard it.

“are you sure you don’t want me to kill him?” he found himself asking. the way in which he did, sounded like he was joking, but he had said it enough times for theo to know by this point, that he well and truly meant it.

theo glared at him─ an expression that no longer had any effect on eli, but rather made him laugh. it was strange to think that there was once a time in which eli would look at theo and only seen some intimidating force of nature, but as time went on, and as eli learned the kind of person he was, theo became someone who would simply adapt to survive. that the intimidation he once displayed came from surrounding himself with criminals and trying to act as if he could fit alongside them, only to eventually find out he didn’t have to do that and upon that discovery, the true theo started to show through.

“okay, no killing.”

“thank you.” and the way he said it, so fucking earnestly that eli couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

“what about after?” he then asked.

“after?”

“after your brother is in jail?” eli clarified.

theo frowned, gaze drifting to their hands which now were intertwined, something eli hadn’t been aware of. and there was something about the way that theo’s hand feels in his that eli couldn’t help but feel as if it belonged there.

“are you sure you want to?” theo questioned. “we’ll have people breathing down our necks, especially trying to figure out who’s good enough to be seen with theodore ashford. wouldn’t be surprised if people are writing about thea and I as we speak.”

with his free hand, eli grabbed hold of theo’s chin─ ensuring he was gentle with the way he did so as a means of not scaring him and given the fact that he didn’t flinch or pull away meant that he managed to succeed in doing so.

“let them talk. a bunch of nosey bitches isn’t going to stop me from getting what I want.”

theo’s cheeks flushed red, the colour noticeable against his pale cheeks. “are you─”

“I have been sure since I heard you call me by my actual name.”

and he had. there weren’t many people that knew about his true name, that elijah clarke was nothing more than a fake identity created to disconnect himself from the person he once was. only henry knew what the name was because he had been the one to ask him if he was sure that’s what it was when eli had given it. never once did he think he would tell someone like theo, but he had, a truth for a truth, and once he had heard his name fall from theo’s tongue, spoken in a way that made eli no longer want to hate it.

and when theo said it again, it was addictive.

“you’re not going to make this waiting easy, are you?”

theo shook his head, looking back up at him. “when we leave this room, we go back to being strictly platonic and professional.”

eli nodded as he begun to pack everything away, ignoring theo’s eyes watching his every move. there was also something he hated about the way that theo was just sitting there, not doing anything to stop him. he reminded himself that it was better this way, repeating the words like a mantra. they can’t start something that was at risk of ending before anything could really happen. platonic and professional, that was how it should be.

but then, it wasn’t until eli’s hand reached for the door handle that theo’s words truly sunk in, causing him to turn around. “wait. . .”

“you’re a goddamn idiot. . .”

it was an insult, but it was said with such fondness that he couldn’t even be mad about it.

he was fucking screwed (not that he wasn't already).

[razzafrazzle]

Just Checking In! (aka Something About Red Triangles)

[itsays]

"life as a 22 year old mother of 3" "life as a married 19 year old couple" *video of mother daughter and grandma making reference to how they were both moms at like 16* *21 year old girl flex video about how she's a mother of 4* *couple whose entire personality is having 10 kids before turning 30* "married my highschool sweetheart at 18 and now i have 8 kids at age 25" "what i do in a day as a 19 year old housewife"

[sadclowncentral]

my (very white, very middle european, very protestant christian, very sixty-year old) father just dropped an inshallah in casual conversation. without precedent or without any acknowledgement. "inshallah they will send us a new internet router" he said. didn't even stutter. what did he mean by this.

[viveela]

Toxic exes and twink form canon? What a time to be alive...

[blueskittlesart]

i hope everyone in nintendo’s management department dies and goes to hell no matter what and i’m not kidding

[faeriekit]

"Cults are when people do weird religious rituals 🙄" cults are actually when you're in a high control group and lose all your friends and money and family members and ability to make personal choices, actually. You can do weird religious rituals at home right now for zero dollars down— try it! It's fun! You can even get your friends to join in, or your aunt! or your dog!or someone else who's cool to mess around with! If you sign up for an emotional support group and it sucks all your money for participation fees and encourages you to shun people who aren't "supportive" enough for your journey and stops you from pursuing any healthy long term goals like further education or having kids, however, that's a cult.

Want to learn more? Try reading about the BITE model on authoritarian control today 👍🏽

[plaguedoctormemes]

as a man on HRT thats approaching his thirties im on my knees begging you other trans and queer folk to stop treating hair thinning and baldness like its some sort of final nail in the coffin on someone’s youth and scale of attractiveness and to stop insisting people see their doctor if someone starts experiencing hair loss and they didnt ask for help!

[madlori]

My ankle journey

I am sharing this with all you good people on the dash because I am so fucking mad it took so long for me to learn it and if I can spare one (1) person the agony it will be worth it.

So for like...oh, 8 or 9 months, I've been struggling with pain/inflammation/tendinitis in my left Achilles tendon. I don't know what caused it. It just started up (welcome to middle age, this shit happens). It wasn't severe enough to be debilitating, but it was annoying and limiting. It was also intermittent, in that some days it would be very painful and other days hardly at all. The kind of shoe I was wearing affected it a lot.

Now, I have bone spurs on both heels (it's just a thing that happens as you get older sometimes). I'm also aware that heel pain is usually the result of tight calf muscles that pull and irritate the tendon. I tried stretching that calf muscle. You know the stretch, this bitch right here:

I did it all the time. I also iced the ankle after walking for awhile, hoping to avoid inflammation. Results were...unsatisfying.

I went to:

A chiropractor

A podiatrist

A physical therapist

A bodywork coach

They all gave me some variation on the "strengthen your calf muscle, stretch your calf muscle" advice. I continued doing this without results.

I was getting frustrated, and a little afraid that this was just my life now. Finally, I thought...maybe some targeted massage might help. I asked for rec on a local FB site and was pointed to a woman who specializes in therapeutic massage including cupping, etc.

I went to her a week ago.

She spent over half our first session working on my left lower leg. Within about 10 minutes of making my eyes water, she uttered the sentence I did not know I had been waiting to hear:

"Oh, it's your soleus."

Excuse me, what?

"It's your soleus that's the culprit. It's all tied up and stiff." She started digging into it and I felt literal sparks run up my leg as she released adhesions and got the muscle moving a little. When she finally put the leg down, it felt like it was on fire with all the blood rushing into it.

She said, "You'll need to stretch your soleus. It'll clear up, but it'll take a bit of time - tendons take ages to heal."

But I HAVE been stretching.

"No, you haven't. The usual straight-leg calf stretch only stretches the gastrocnemius, that's the big belly muscle in your calf. That's not your problem. That stretch doesn't stretch the soleus. Don't worry, I'll show you how to stretch it."

My mind is spinning.

So here are the muscles in question:

The gastroc (as the pros call it) just attaches down the back but the soleus runs underneath it from the knee around the side to the heel. The lower part above the ankle is where it typically gets tight and forms adhesions.

To stretch it, you do the same calf thing where you put your foot back and press your heel to the ground, but you have to do it with your KNEE BENT:

The bent knee keeps the gastroc from engaging. It's one of those selfish muscles (like traps) - if you give it an inch, it'll just take over and prevent other muscles from working or stretching. There are other ways to stretch the soleus but this is the easiest and you can literally do it anywhere. I've been doing it while standing and waiting for things (the elevator to come, the toast to toast). You just put the heel back and bend the knee. It's kind of like curtseying.

The minute I did this stretch, I could FEEL where it was pulling on my tendon. I knew that THIS had been the problem.

The massage therapist also told me to stop icing my heel. She said icing is for an acute injury, but a more chronic aggravation needs heat, to increase blood flow for healing. She recommended elevation with heat every day (I've been doing it in bed during "phone before bed" time).

I have been doing the soleus stretch at least half a dozen times a day for almost a week, and the ankle is at least 70% better. It is still a little tight and tender, but the improvement is significant. I think a few more weeks will have it feeling normal.

I am...blown away by this. This massage therapist was able to pinpoint an issue in only a few minutes that eluded all the other professionals I saw. I can't wait to go back to her and have her solve all my other problems, tbh.

[idolomantises]

I think one of the more unfortunate consequences to creators being more interactive with fans is that a lot of fans/fandoms normalized this idea that creators have to explain/validate every headcanon they have.

[shinesurge]

did yall know cricut put a metal strip in the back of their newer Maker 3 that doesn't do anything except pop out after like six months of regular use and force you to call customer service so they can tell you to replace the machine

well they did and instead of calling them and replacing an entire functional fucking machine you can just cut the bar out and put tape over what's left

fuck offfff,

[bizarrelittlemew]

i can't wait to be 30+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 40+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 50+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 60+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 70+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 80+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 90+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to look back on my life and know that i loved things deeply and passionately and was inspired to create and was part of communities with incredible people from all over the world brought together by the stories that touched us

[aropride]

REBLOG if you think they FUCKED RAW !!!!!

[anna-scribbles]

last one i promise(<—lie)

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[zoestorm]

The manga: a college guy meets his childhood friend, who was formerly a boy but is now a woman, and has run away from home after an unspecified disagreement with her family which has left her with a significant amount of trauma; it's implied she was bullied heavily in the time since they've last seen each other.

But don't worry, she's not trans! She just got an illness which turned her into a woman!

The manga: a high school boy with an interest in make-up uses his gloomy, depressed (male) childhood friend as a model to improve his skills. This causes said friend to have an "awakening" and start dressing as a woman, and to overall be a much happier, brighter, outgoing person.

But don't worry, the friend is not trans! He's just a boy who crossdresses because his childhood friend likes him better that way!

The manga: a high school boy joins a club where the members can turn into magical girls, which in his case involves physically transforming into a girl. When in girlmode, he's much happier and enjoys his life much more, and overall prefers staying in girl mode; when the ability to transform is temporarily taken away from him, he sinks into a deep depressive episode.

But don't worry, he's not trans! He's just a boy who enjoys being a girl!

The manga: a college student loses a bet and has to crossdress for a night out on the town, and meets and hooks up with a butch girl; they fall in love and start dating. The boy always crossdressed when they meet, and starts enjoying being "treated like a girl" in the relationship and starts crossdressing even when he doesn't have to meet his girlfriend and enjoys activities such as clothes shopping and make-up and putting on nail polish.

But don't worry, he's not trans! He's just a boy who crossdresses to please his butch girlfriend!

The manga: a guy is magically turned into a girl as a result of saving his best friend, the crown prince, from an assassination attempt. The prince decides that he has to take responsibility, and asks the new girl to marry him; despite being smitten she refuses, wanting to date first. She is later offered a way to go back to being a man, but when she does turn back she's disgusted by her own appearance and depressed all the time, ultimately deciding to stay a girl.

But don't worry, she's not trans! She's just a boy who's been magically turned into a woman! And decides not to turn back when she can! Because she's not trans! Somehow!

"But we can't write trans women in manga! It's just not something that you do!"

[Image description: A one-comic panel. Gengar is glaring at a crowd of faceless characters; from the crowd, a speech balloon emerges, saying "You could if you weren't a fucking coward". End ID.]