#but god. there's still such a lack of understanding or a safety net

[doux-amer]

Thinking about how Dele was thrown under the bus at Beşiktaş and getting mad again. :)

[ninhaoma-ya]

Chapter 1081 — Kuzan, the tenth Blackbeard captain

And thus the prophesies became true and Kuzan, protégé of Garp and admiral of the navy, was confirmed as the tenth titanic captain of the Blackbeard pirates. And lo, he is firm in his conviction and supports his new master and doubt does not plague him.

The chapter is gorgeous. Although I’m still miffed about the quality of the line work, the panelling is beautiful.

a) Great timing and teamwork! These people have been doing this before.

b) How does it feel for Pizarro to get his body modified like that? Can he override Prince Grus’s powers or do their powers cancel each other out?

c) Confirmation of Garp’s Conqueror’s Haki

d) GIVE US GOD VALLEY, ODA, I NEED TO SEE WHAT GARP AT PEAK POWER WAS LIKE (if he’s losing his touch here)

So Garp will obviously lose here and get captured (I don’t think Oda is going to kill him) together with Koby and the rest of the marines. I can’t think of a narrative that would let them escape here (will come back to this later) and we need something to kick off the final battle — why not Blackbeard kidnapping Luffy’s family and oldest friends?

I just want to point out the beautiful little foreshadowing of Garp’s grey focus and the very pretty panel of Hibari-san freezing over.

I wonder why Kuzan didn’t freeze Koby?

I wonder if it's less ambiguous in the original, but "It's be a bad look if Koby escapes" does scream FORESHADOWING FOR TURNCOAT-KUZAN with big, neon letters.

So at least Vasco Shot, Doc Q and Juan Wolf picked a fight with Kuzan and got popsicled. Why were they there in the first place? What is Blackbeard’s plan?

Nice to see how they met, as well! What a meet-cute. "You froze all my friends, let's be pals!" And confirmation for the rumours(?) about Kuzan losing a leg to Akainu. That's got to hurt.

And of course, his temper is quite something.

This is actually quite interesting: Kuzan seems much more on edge now, which might be understandable since he’s now missing the Marine safety net. He wasn’t quite as quick to the draw before the time skip. Of course, here he was just (indirectly) threatened with horrible death and dismemberment, and great reactions to freeze his opponents in a heartbeat, but still.

However: the Blackbeard captains seem to lack haki since they all got frozen over and Garp bursts out quite easily (as did Whitebeard at Marineford).

And iiiinteresting — I didn’t realise that Kuzan was Garp’s previous protégé. I knew Garp favoured him over Akainu, but this confirmation is new, yes?

Garp will probably lose, but Hachinosu is keeping me on tenterhooks!

And then.

And then my poor heart broke.

Into a thousand little pieces.

Like the Polar Tang.

Sinking into the sea.

Please Franky; please fix it.

Not even SULONG-BEPO (!!!) is enough for this heartbreak.

(SULONG-BEPO! AMAZING JOB, CHOPPER! Guessing it’s the Rumble Ball.)

I wonder why Oda saved Law. Is he such a fan favourite that he couldn’t have the same sound defeat as Kid (who didn’t escape)? Is there a deeper meaning to the ‘picking fights’ and ‘defending yourself’? Is there something to the ‘trust you crew’ mentality Oda wants to point out?

(And silly Bepo: the Hearts will be captured and then you and Law are going on a suicide-rescue mission.)

Great (although heart rendering) chapter! I give it my sanity and pieces of my broken heart.

[away-ward]

Hey, just curious casual lurker here because i saw a lot of your posts in the willemmy tags (which i love!!), thank you for your contents 🙆‍♀️ Why do you think emmy's relationships with kai or michael were not that close or awkward? Apart from pd's lack of putting em's involvement with the family as your reason, is there any other reason that might lead you or others to this conclusion? Do you have a headcanon that you dont mind to share? +This was one of your inspiration for "Hell yeah" right? Also it seems that a regular commenter of your posts also mentioned how weird the whole horsemen and emmy's relationship was and wished they woukd treat her differently, but tbh, i dont think it was THAT weird or anything should have been done differently much. Emmy was still miserable, alone and friendless in San Fransisco. After accepting that she wanted to live without fear and live free, she accepted that the horsemen and cowgirls lifestyle was very similar to how she wanted to see the world instead of how she always saw it right? It just took her a longer times to come to this conclusion.

In high school, with their typical horsemen behaviour, they did try at least to be around emmy because of will, but its not like they didnt try to approach her right? I didnt remember if there was any mention that they didnt try to make her a part of the group. All i remember was that emmy pushed will away, will always tried to coerce her blablabla, and the horsemen always thought that she was a weirdo. If emmy tried to approach them differently, she wouldnt be emmy AND maybe she couldve been their friends then. But i still see that as impossible, because it wouldve been just corrupt2.0. They all were in different stages of lives, wanted different things from themselves, their friends, their families, their town people, their careers, the world so its understandable that theres bound to be some misunderstanding and no progression in any kind of relationship for them as opposed to like rika and the horsemen when rika was 16/19.

Rika (16) can fit in with them in corrupt because her childish thought when she was younger was what fuels michael. Rika (19) was able to challenge the horsemen because of revenge, trouble, shallow/short term fun, rebel etc. things that both parties excatly they both wanted and needed. Rika wanted a lttle trouble from her convenient rich privilege town and the horsemen wanted trouble for misjudgement of revenge and betrayal (ughh 🙄🤢). But still, be it before, or after the prison, the pattern was similar. Not emmy though, because apart from being parentless (figuratively and realistically) like rika, emmy grew up completely different than rika, emmy had a lot more responsibilities and caring duties since she was a pre-teen (apart from dealing with deadly domestic abuse and violence), so she grew up without being able to justify her wants like rika did because a lot of things that rika materialistically already had or never had to go through that were heavily related to the system of Thunder Bay (social class, financial problems, public education, scholarships, religion, etc.), emmy had them.

Unlike rika, when it comes to institutional privileges, emmy did not have much of a stable safety net (especially a guarantee of financial and educational success) to back her up, if she ever fucks up. Like i said, If emmy was acting more like rika, it wouldnt be nightfall, it wouldve been corrupt2.0. The social class discrepencies and institutional problems that came up in nightfall wouldnt be as much problem in corrupt because corrupt was a fight between privilege people, though it was shown, that being being privilege was nit enough to combat misogyny, sexual assault and high profile people's problems like that mile anderson date rape problem (thank fucking god that scum fucking died). This is not me dismissing rika's problems or trauma, but rather stating that while rika had a lot of problems, most of them do not come from institutional disadvantages that were created by the system to oppress other, but rather her problem came from high profile socialising and politics. In fact a lot of her problems are so contradictory that it doesnt make sense actually (pd was shit at this, but thats a whole nother topic).

Back to my main question, I think kai and michael's anger and betrayal to emmy's involvement in the train was valid (except for their mean reaction of "not enough for will", "weak", "debt" & "excuses"). But then, which girl in the group was not shit talked by the horsemen? I guess its because we've seen emmy went through so much shit, only for her to be piled more, thats why we got even angrier on her behalf. Idk, i do want more interactions between emmy and will's friends and family in the present time though, maybe then we can see how their relationship progress, but i still dont get really angry when the horsemen were not as friendly or cordial to emmy. They had nonreason too, she had made it clear she couldnt stand them in high school, even if they were aware that she had no beef with them. But logically, No matter how many times we want to say that the horsemen will go to jail anyway bcs of their videos, (i agree), but they still were jailed for something that were born out of misunderstanding and chivalry. Their care for emmy when they beat up margin then came out of righteous and protective anger because they found out about a girl being abused at home, and (irrationally) used physical violence to give a warning to martin. However, i think its still icky for will and kai to blame her because will had already mentioned this to kai yeah? That theres bound to be consequences for beating up a cop? Damon was down for it, but even will was rational enough then to warn his friends about this reality but they pushed past it anyway, so how is it anyone's fault if they got caught right?

+I feel like Kai & Michael's anger were justified (not will, because he already said he was being shit to emmy, only bcs he had a reason to hate her for rejecting him now), not because they had any beef with emmy persay, but more so their words were a reflection to the way they handled their relationships with their women (obviously, they treated their women like shit before they got married), and they thought chaining emmy and making her believe that she is indebted to them is the most viable solution to keep her close to will in thunder bay because "love saves all" agenda bullshit throughout the series. Didnt will say the same to rika in corrupt?

When michael called emmy weak, i dont see it as him insulting her in a degrading way. Michael too was weak (mentioned in corrupt right?) and he only did what evans told him, and rika changed him. Then Michael called RIKA weak and did some more mindfucking, because rika was weak then, and even rika herself wanted to be stronger and was tired of her weak life or smth like that, and he didnt want her to think that hes her saviour or will be there at her beck and call because there might be times when he couldnt and she need to stand up for herself (similar to what aydin said to emmy about her not needing a saviour in blackchurch --though i dont think i can convince YOU that aydin was necessary in nightfall ahaha) to be like his mom, same thing happens in kill switch with that professor, i guess michael was just saying this to tell emmy to fight them, and fight for her worth in the family and dont just stand there and take whatever bullshit things the horsemen or anyone pile on her, + they would fight the same for her too once they became family.

I think its very stupid and uncharismatic if they just accept emmy with open arms, even after being told that she played apart in their downfall (which they kinda deserve lmao). If they really accepted emmy with smiles or less harsher words, the horsemen and the cowgirls would be really fucking stupid and not learn anything from the past of just trusting anyone blindly into their tight-knit group of friends and family. Theyre building Thunder bay, have children and increasing assets now, its understandable that theyll increase privacy and security, even if that person is just "harmless" emmy. We were able to root for her ecause we knew what she went through, but it seems to me that even until fire night, emmy's past couldve still been a mystery to everyone, its understandble that they coukdve thought of her like a ticking bomb or smth. Just because she didnt have any bad intentions to them, doesnt mean shes loyal to them either, and the horsemen valued loyalty above everything (ryen mentioned this too in punk57, and ofc this was mentioned multiple times in dn series).

3/4 of them already did fought for emmy (even without her knowing), they even went to jail without mentioning anything about martin's abuse to anyone, so emmy' face and reputation werent ever dragged or got implicated in any way shape or form. Michael rika even took care of her during that martin taylor aydin tom and jerry runs right?

Anyway, People just knew that they were jailed for beating up a cop, but they covered up for emmy for the reason that fucker (martin) was beaten up. I think their anger towards her was justified since she got off scott free, but they (will, kai, damon) were considered as fellonies, even though technically, they are still in the top 5 most white/western privileged guys in the area (ughhh i cant with rich white people sometimes they always be saying delusional shit) even after everything that had happened to them. (They still got their happy ending so idk why they gotta be whining so much sometimes ngl). The horsemen were mentioned to not have any problems with emmy and 3/4 of them only thought that beating a cop was the reason they went to jail. However, like i said before, i still dont agree to the words they used to speak to emmy. I guess this is just some rambles in the horsemen's povs towards whatever things that were happening in the train. I dont hate them, but ngl, i was tempted to push them off the train LOL. I respect others opinions about their treatment towards emmy, but what i was saying is that, unlike whatever things that happened in corrupt, by the time we reached nightfall, it is at least a bit understandable that they felt betrayed by emmy of all people, after everything. Even emmy apologised for withholding a critical information, so idk 🤷‍♀️

It was a complex situation that were built up from book 1, and as a person who had read all the books before nightfall, even though their words were cutting towards em in the train, it wasnt as bad as what rika and witer had to go through, and it wasnt something that came from actual malice, so after they argued and fucked all that, i was okay with them all really. What do you think about this? Because i know my opinion is unpopular but that was how i saw it. It might just be me

edited for spelling, grammar, and word choice

Hey, casual lurker. Welcome to my ask box 😊

I keep writing essay long responses, but you made a lot of good points!

Apart from not being able to see Em interacting with the others a lot, it was the one interaction we got in Fire Night. I don’t have FN on me, but I believe there was one scene where Kai stopped to talk to Emory and complimented her on her work or something like that. To me, and it’s probably just my interpretation, it felt very…lukewarm. Like they hadn’t spent the past ten years being family. It didn’t have that warm, “this is a person I love” feeling that I’d expect from them at this point. And the fact that it was followed by Kai dancing with Winter, which had a much warmer and tighter feeling to me, sort of cemented this idea. later realized this wasn't the order of events. See this post for an updated thought;

I don’t know why that happened or what gave me the feeling exactly – if it was the writing, PD having a softer spot for Winter than for Emory and it came through, or if there was another reason more related to the characters, or if it were just me specifically – but it just gave me the overwhelming and sort of disappointed feeling that these two weren’t close. They were friendly and polite, like they shared mutual loved ones, but didn’t hold any affection between themselves. And if you’re going to build a secret society on the concept of chosen family, even if the bond isn’t obvious on the surface, it needs to be in the undercurrent of their interactions. For me, it just wasn’t in the scene with Kai and Emory, but it was there between Kai and Winter.

I’m not sure if there’s a HC as to why they wouldn’t be close, because I think they’re meant to be. I think PD’s intent was that this was a group of people where everyone was needed and valued and loved for their qualities and what they contribute. I look to a series like Leverage where we get to see the bond between these characters develop and even between two characters that are sort of stoic, like Kai and Emory are, it’s clear that they know and understand and care about each other deeply. I think PD wanted us to feel that with all the members of this group, and I just didn’t. It’s probably a me thing.

Apart from pd's lack of putting em's involvement with the family as your reason, is there any other reason that might lead you or others to this conclusion? Do you have a headcanon that you dont mind to share? +This was one of your inspiration for "Hell yeah" right?

Yeah! That’s exactly the inspo for Hell Yeah. I felt that Kai needed to sit in the corner and think about what he’d done and apologize for being mean to my baby girl Emory and so I made it happen. (Listen, I wanted to love Kai. He was my absolute favorite Horseman from his first on-page moment in Corrupt. And he would have stayed there in first place if he didn’t whined so much through the rest of the series…)

As for Emory’s relationship with the Horsemen being weird, I agree that it wasn’t meant to be. I think the theme of this story is that there are people we’re meant to be with and it’s important that we find those people. And while outside of the DN universe, the characters are quite tame compared to other series, in-universe they’re meant to be dark and different and immoral and depraved and a little…

corrupted...

anyway

To feel comfortable and accepted, they needed to find each other. So Emory was meant to fit in with them and I think she does when she stops overthinking everything and living just for survival and instead more for enjoyment.

regular commenter of your posts also mentioned how weird the whole horsemen and emmy's relationship was and wished they woukd treat her differently, but tbh, i dont think it was THAT weird or anything should have been done differently much. Emmy was still miserable, alone and friendless in San Fransisco. After accepting that she wanted to live without fear and live free, she accepted that the horsemen and cowgirls lifestyle was very similar to how she wanted to see the world instead of how she always saw it right? It just took her a longer times to come to this conclusion.

I think what a lot of readers struggle with the most is Emory not moving on after Will? For a lot of it is people, it’s wanting her to have friends and a life out side of Thunder Bay and of Will, because Will obviously had a life. The thought seems to be "he was out there getting his revenge and making plans and sleeping with everything that breathed air and wore a skirt, but you’re telling me that Emory just what? Sat around, pouting, feeling sorry for herself? Please."

And they see PD having her this way as pathetic. In my opinion, Emory did what she always did: she put her head down and worked. She focused on the things she could control, like her career and taking care of her grandmother, doing everything in her power to ensure she was safe and cared for. That’s what she did in Thunder Bay and that’s what she did when she was overwhelmed with guilt for Will. It’s her MO; her comfort zone. But DN is all about getting out of your comfort zone and she needed the other characters* to do that.

If emmy tried to approach them differently, she wouldnt be emmy AND maybe she couldve been their friends then. But i still see that as impossible, because it wouldve been just corrupt2.0.

I don’t get the impression readers wanted Corrupt 2.0 with Emory. They just wanted Emory to not be so…empty. But her being empty when away from the other characters was sort of the point? At least that’s what I understood.

edit: Random tangent that is unrelated to anon's message???

And this might be what annoys me so much with Aydin's speech about Alex? The Valkyrie speech?

The only difference between Alex and Emory in terms of dealing with an unexpected change in circumstances that is that Alex continued to party and have those experiences, while Emory didn't. But they both did what they knew.

Partying didn't make Alex more valid or less depressed in the same way that Emory focusing on her career and family didn't make her more pathetic or less successful at life.

Is the point that Alex was able to ignore her pain while Emory wasn't?Or is the point that both were just as valid?

I dislike the comparison because it's been picked up by the fandom with no real goal in sight. Just pick a side and pit these two girls against each other.

sidenote, I do see the reason for Aydin, lol. I’ve given the wrong impression. Like with Alex, I feel that his character could have been utilized better to get the point across, but I do see his character as needed for Emory’s story. But to frame Emory as a girl who has trust issues, to then put her in an environment surrounded by people she knows can’t be trusted, and then have her develop a deep and complex relationship with possibly the least straight forward person in five days because of what? “You are the storm”??? I don’t know, but I’m doubtful. I just think there were ways the Aydin/Emory storyline could have been done better, not that it wasn’t necessary.)

I guess the tangent was caused by this??

similar to what aydin said to emmy about her not needing a saviour in blackchurch --though i dont think i can convince YOU that aydin was necessary in nightfall ahaha

Tangent over.

In high school, with their typical horsemen behaviour, they did try at least to be around emmy because of will, but its not like they didnt try to approach her right? I didnt remember if there was any mention that they didnt try to make her a part of the group.

It’s a frustrating point for me that we don’t really know what kinds of interactions Emory had with the horsemen in high school. Because her story breaks from the structure that we got with the other couples, in that we didn’t get to see the starting point and then see it develop.

With Rika and Michael, we know she’s been around the Crist family since she was born and we even got to see the moment Michael held her for the first time when he was three.

We got to see Kai and Banks’ first meeting in the confession booth.

We also got Winter and Damon’s first and second meetings.

For all of them, we’re given a clear understanding and context of where their relationships stands and we get to watch it unfold from there.

But with Emory, we’re sort of just dropped in the middle. We know Will’s been chasing her around since she was a freshman; we know the horsemen know about his crush, and we learn Kai is more or less supportive and Damon hates it. Michael is…meh?

It’s hard to determine what kind of interactions Emory would have had with them before it came to a head in NF. But I don’t think any of them had strong opinions on Emory outside of what Will thought of her. I don't know if it would have mattered had Emory acted any differently, since it was never about her for them. It was always about Will and what he wanted. If he wanted her, then there wasn’t much to question. We want what we want, after all. It was the other students in school who thought Emory was weird and cold, which is why Rika was so confused when Michael said Will loved her.

I think kai and michael's anger and betrayal to emmy's involvement in the train was valid (except for their mean reaction of "not enough for will", "weak", "debt" & "excuses"). But then, which girl in the group was not shit talked by the horsemen?

You have excellent points I hadn’t thought of before. I really enjoyed thinking about this.

No matter how many times we want to say that the horsemen will go to jail anyway bcs of their videos, (i agree), but they still were jailed for something that were born out of misunderstanding and chivalry.

My issue with their reaction was always that they heard the same story we did. Emory’s recounting of the events that lead her back to Thunder Bay that day was what she told Will and the others on the train.

To summarize her version of events:

She comes across the videos on social media and reports them.

Immediately drops everything to fly back to Thunder Bay, using her own money since we know Martin didn't pay for it.

She intends to defend Will, going so far as to reveal the abuse by Martin to support Will's story.

She is blackmailed with the death of her grandmother.

And…they had no sympathy? They acted like they wouldn’t have made the same selfish decision.

Why would she have relied on them when they’d done nothing to prove themselves reliable to her. They weren’t her friends. Will hadn’t spoken to her in over a year, Damon antagonized her, and for all she k knew, Kai was just a kind face. But he was still a horsemen and loyal to Will, not any kind of friend to her. She didn’t even know they were the ones who had assaulted Martin at first, and when she did find out she went back to defend them. They seem to ignore this fact??? Did they not hear the same story? If they had shown themselves to be people she could turn to, and she then hadn’t, then her act of “betrayal” would be an actual betrayal. But as it stood, she was relying on the only person she’d ever been able to rely on – herself.

These men, at this point in their lives, have everything they wanted. They’re married (or engaged), with successful careers, and families. Their reputations have been restored. Yes, Damon, Will, and Kai have trauma they wouldn’t have had otherwise, but the alternative to that was Emory letting her grandma suffer and die. Instead, she got another nine years with her.

I know their argument is “If you had saved us, we would have saved you” but I don’t believe for a second that if Emory hadn’t taken Martin’s deal, that he would have left their grandma alone. That lovely woman would have been dead before any of those boys were released on bail and Emory could explain what she needed. (Not that Emory thought that far. That’s just my HC.) But even then, getting guardianship rights to get her grandmother to safe place and away from Martin would have taken time. Time with which Martin could have done anything. Emory made the best decision she could with the facts she had.

And they didn’t care. Because it’s all about them and the things they suffered. Of course.

That was my issue with their anger. It felt unjustified when you compare and how they react when their backs are against a wall or when they feel like they’ve been wronged. Especially for someone who’s as “reasonable” as Kai, it felt like a huge double standard. To be clear, people have double standards and if this were meant to be a character flaw on their part, then it was well executed! Characters are supposed to get a reaction, good or bad, and this moment definitely got one from me. Even Michael, who I’d been pretty bored with, had my attention. I was mad, sure. But then as a character, he’d done his job.

For me, the scene on the train really showed the depth of their privilege and lack of understanding. Damon only acted the way he did because he understood the desperation of someone who’s been abused…and also he knew she was loyal because she literally helped him bury his abuser, which he doubted any of the guys would have at the time. And kept her mouth shut. And never asked him anything in return.

At first glance, it just feels like they only cared about what happened to them. After hearing her story, only at this moment learning of the letter (Will hadn’t told them) and then hearing how she was blackmailed into signing it…their anger seemed a little misplaced, to say the least. They were all taken advantage of, and realistically, that letter wasn’t what did them in, it only contributed to convincing their families not to go to trial. The videos were the most damaging, and they have no one to blame but themselves for that.

Concerning them “defending her”, they didn’t get the chance to bring Emory up – they never went to trial. They pled guilty and accepted a lower sentence to avoid the embarrassment. But we don’t know if Kai or Will would have tried to explain the real reason they assaulted Martin. They might have brought Emory up if they had the chance. I imagine Kai and his family might have at least tried to subpoena her.

That being said...

they thought chaining emmy and making her believe that she is indebted to them is the most viable solution to keep her close to will in thunder bay because "love saves all" agenda bullshit throughout the series. When michael called emmy weak, i dont see it as him insulting her in a degrading way. Michael too was weak (mentioned in corrupt right?) and he only did what evans told him, michael was just saying this to tell emmy to fight them, and fight for her worth in the family and dont just stand there and take whatever bullshit things the horsemen or anyone pile on her, + they would fight the same for her too once they became family.

I hadn’t considered their accusation of Emory being indebt to them as a way to keep her close for Will. I legitimately thought they felt she owned them something, because of how angry they were. When you said that, I actually had to pause to consider it and that’s totally a possibility.

I thought Michael was calling her weak because she let Martin control her for so long, that she couldn’t stand up to him, and also that she hadn’t returned to face Will and them after they were released. I didn’t think he was trying to use reverse psychology on her – maybe Michael does have substance. Maybe he was trying to boost her up to be worthy of them, to see if she has it in her to fight, since she is what Will wants.

Who knows, maybe he is learning a thing or two from Banks.

I think its very stupid and uncharismatic if they just accept emmy with open arms, even after being told that she played apart in their downfall (which they kinda deserve lmao). If they really accepted emmy with smiles or less harsher words, the horsemen and the cowgirls would be really fucking stupid and not learn anything from the past

Like you said, I also think it would be stupid of them just to accept her because of Will. Like with the other girls, she has to prove she belongs and can keep up. It’s also just weird that part of her proving it starts with her pleasing Alex? Personally, it was just a weird sequence of events.

We were able to root for her ecause we knew what she went through, but it seems to me that even until fire night, emmy's past couldve still been a mystery to everyone, its understandble that they coukdve thought of her like a ticking bomb or smth.

I don’t know if her past was a mystery for the guys. Damon knew, Kai at least knew by the time they were hunting down Martin, and Will was pretty open about it when he threw it in Rika’s face in Corrupt, so it’s not a leap to assume Michael was aware by then. Maybe not details, but enough to know Martin deserved what he got. But even so, they probably felt her past should have no baring on her future or, more importantly, on theirs.

Edit: I also realized during editing that this person argued that they went to prison for Emory (which I still disagree with), and also stated that they might not be aware of her history and she could be a ticking-time bomb. Those two things can't both be true. The boys definitely knew about her abuse. Maybe not the entirety of it, but enough that it was bad.

This is an interesting take and worth consideration!

Overall, I don’t mind that PD tried to sell us this idea that it all worked out and that they eventually develop this bond with Emory like they have with the other characters. Primarily, I'm bothered that I never get to see it. We don’t get hints or crumbs. After Will and Emory solidify their relationship with the engagement, any time Emory is on the page the focus of the scene seems to be on other characters. I feel cheated.

Most of the storylines in DN were interesting and had PD had a bit more skill in execution, would have played out better. All the parts are there and I appreciate what PD was going for. I certainly could not have done any better or even come close to what they accomplished. At then end of the day, all writers are constantly growing and developing their skill. This was a big story and a huge undertaking and I think PD deserves credit of it. Writing is hard, completing a series is harder. Completing a large series that everyone loves is not something that just any writer can do.

Now, if anyone can convince PD to give me the deleted scenes from Nightfall that I know exist…I would certainly be grateful. My inbox is open, thank you.

Thanks for the comment!!

[lilmajorshawty]

The Signs Vs The Houses Sun Edition 🎇

Sun In Aries Vs Sun In First House: 

(Pantheon God Ares Vs Lucifer Morning Star.)

Sun in Aries: Pantheon God Ares

Song: _By. Alexander - Trumpets Ft 070Shake

These Natives don’t readily showcase their independent traits outright but their intensity is actively expressed in different ways from one another almost like reverse parts of a long mirror. Sun in Aries natives are actively nonchalant, impartial and seemingly low energy to those who don’t know their outward appearance is merely a facade. Aries suns aren’t readily expresses of their more generic traits, their impulsive nature is often hidden underneath their calm demeanor. unlike sun in the 1st housers Aries suns are good at playing into a more watered down version of themselves if it serves to aid the type of reaction they will get from the audience of their choice. They much like Pisces can be deceptively charming, disarming and tremendously jovial but underneath this lay a impulsive, reactive and swift minded individual. Aries suns are more observant than they are open warfare types, meaning that their darker side is something revealed in quiet privacy. They are in actuality very polite and keep much of their outward passions in check as to not alert others of their intentions before the Aries sun native has already assessed the consequences their potential action might bring. They are tactitions  in nature much like the war god ares, much of their actions are weighed and planned. much is done in secrecy or in the safety net of a desired outcome for them. They naturally seem disinterested or bored by their surroundings but can also have a testy, or rather flighty energy around being in spaces for longer than they intended. Their frigidity nature is a reflection of mars needing to be in control but the rather prideful way of the sun itself not liking to seem overly brash in order to seem regal. in this sense the sun and mars are in conflict for sun in Aries so they in turn prefer to keep their shadow face a bit more slow burn than people can perceive it to be. Aries suns are sweet and ardent but they can sometimes struggle with telling the truth, unlike their moon counterpart. Aries sun in a more masculine spirit Tends to be the most immature with their desires, mainly being self invested. Aries sun in feminine spirit tends to be most immature with their sexuality, readily wanting to claim the sexual limelight due to their appetite for admiration. on two sides of the coin underdeveloped Aries suns within masculine energy can struggle to see the world beyond “their” needs and “their” wants, the feminine can struggle to separate their over identification with physical gratification making them seem jealous and gluttonous for attention to those looking from the outside in.They are passionate but narcissistic. They care about those closest to them but they also battle between love for others and love for the self. Aries suns are in a never ending battle with the concept of I and how the I relates to Others. Aries sun signs definitely live by the “apart of my tribe” mentality and usually have a hard time dealing with outsiders. That being said they are a thousand times more tame then most give them credit for and only those who have been around the natives for long can ever really see their darker nature that they prefer to keep under raps. Aries suns are very loving nonetheless and dare i say the most emotionally affectionate of the fire suns. They genuinely do try for those they carefor and they honestly live by a strong code of right or wrong. despite what they might want they always recognize whether or not the action they plan on committing is morally correct or morally incorrect.

Sun in the First house: Lucifer Morningstar

Song: _By.Alexander - Stalling 

Sun in the 1st Housers are quite different in terms of their immediate personality traits, because unlike Aries suns they are not under the space of just mars depending on what their sun sign is already in. rather they are swimming in the pool of mars while wearing their sun sign. Sun in the 1st house natives can be Intense, cynical, Dark and brooding. They have this perceptiveness about the world around them that can seem unnerving. People are in their eyes to comfortable with stillness and it bothers them, as they are mentally just as much as physically always moving, 100 steps ahead of everyone. To many this may seem like a blessing but it’s a curse for these natives as it creates a constant inner and outer need for chaos in some way. They want to maintain a certain level of opposition and transformation in themselves and in the environments they find themselves in. For them things could always be rearranged and redone and the more stagnant the view things the more unhappy they become as they see peace as a reflection of “lack” in themselves. in those with a masculine spirit sun in the 1st house can make them impatient, aggressive, aloof and cold in its worst but brave, perceptive, kind and generous in its healthy state. In those with feminine spirit it can make them cutthroat, rigid, blinded by the self and confrontational in its worst but vibrant, childlike, bold, and sharp of mind in its healthier state. Unlike sun in Aries these natives aren't impressed or worried about how they interact with others.  These natives can seem dismissive or uninterested in people mainly because they are only impressed by people with “strength” in the manner of which they perceive strength to look like. much like Lucifer these natives live in the dark and admire those who have suffered or experienced the trenches of life only to rise from its ashes without a single complaint. to them people who can fight without seeking coddling or attention for those struggles are attractive and relatable. people who are attention seekers, overly emotional or dependent are typically what these natives avoid or tend to be the coldest towards. The reason being is that these natives underneath their cold and rather independent face are deeply sensitive and receptive to the feelings of others, but when they were young this receptiveness was often taken advantage of by the world around them. people ate these natives up and forced them to build their own personal hell to build themselves in, because in their eyes the only hell scarier then the one someone makes for you is the one you make for yourself. These natives are ambitious but also deeply full of life and vigor but to those who don’t know them deeper you may never know that beneath this light lay very serious and steady individuals willing to do whatever it takes to survive. these natives are constantly interchanging between Life and Death.

Sun In Taurus Vs Sun In The Second House:

(Artemis vs Higher Angel Metatron.)

Sun in Taurus: Artemis

Song: Ama Lou - Wires 

sun in Taurus natives often represented by the bull are deserving of their steady and rather slow moving personality traits..Though in conjunction one might add in their mental gymnastics that put even the mighty Aquarius, Gemini, Libra Air trinity to shame. These natives are tremendously intellectual, they see and feel everything out just as much as they add a thick layer of rationality and logic to it. To them anything and everything can go wrong and most likely is so they tend to present themselves in a more compartmentalized way as to prevent this. on one hand they are solid and sensual in their approach to life, on the other they are distrusting and closed to outsiders. they value a certain level of work ethic in others and that is typically what softens their heart as opposed to be overly nice or suckups. they tend to be intense and insatiable but these traits are hidden underneath their polite and soft toned Venus haze. For Taurus, Venus serves merely as a cloudy ethereal presence rather than a solid body like it does for Libras which is genuinely why the two are so similar yet so deeply different. Taurus suns value a calm serenity but they value an authentic air to cultivate such serenity whereas Libras value the serenity that is without to much heaviness or demand. Taurus suns are naturally stable and patient folk, not much moves them out of character and once it does all of the magma and debris flies into the sky like radiating solar flares. These natives are insanely aware of themselves and the actions and motives of said actions of others. to them intimacy through the physical realm is the only real way to see someone and in a sense for them touch is their language. these natives are lovers of sex but contrary to belief Taurus suns just like Scorpio sun see sex a soul transaction rather than just “sex.” to them being able to meet every individual layer of a person beyond what they present is true understanding. Scorpios suns look to sex as a emotional collaboration of wounds and vulnerabilities whilst Taurus suns on the yang side of that spectrum look at sex as a Physical collaboration of involved and aware relinquishing of the self in its physical form to another. For Taurus suns they find themselves trapped between the concept of “what do they mean to me vs what do i mean to them.” this mentality often creates a emotional nature that causes them pain in life as they never really know when to let go of people, they hold onto people out of a fear of losing something important to them on a mentally materialistic plane. The men tend to handle the Taurus sun the worst as it often brings out a vain and rather expansive nature that is centered around using their possessions as lay way for their self worth. to them in their worse state their material possessions and their bodies become nothing more than tokens to scale their level of self worth which they ultimately base in the opinions of complete strangers. Taurus women/feminine energy folk tend to handle the energy well, mainly embracing their sensuality and sexuality although sometimes falling prey to their bullheaded and rather single minded advances towards life at times. in their best they can be captivating, preserving, and deeply empathetic of the woes and demons of others taking them on fearlessly. Taurus suns greatest foe as well as their biggest give away is their single-minded nature, once something catches their eye it becomes a mission, a life purpose and at times an obsession.

Sun In the Second House: Higher Angel Metatron 

song: Ama Lou- This Town

For second house sun natives their similarities can often times shadow them after Taurus mainly due to the very calm and rather steady disposition they naturally posses. That being said much like the angel metatron as mentioned in text they have a far more raw energy that ensnares people to them like a spider web. They often times maintain a cool distance emotionally from those around them as to never reveal their inner thoughts but this at times gives them a much darker shade then Taurus suns as they are not as nearly well meaning in their observations of others. these natives are insanely perceptive but they tend to use this perceptiveness to read the crowd so to speak. many of us may struggle to adapt to every personality in the room or shift personas as a means of getting from point A to B in an unwanted interaction where as Second house sun natives can shift personas as will due to their gift for micro analysis. They can read a room, the people and the energy of each individual from mere glances and that makes them incredibly charming but also a tad unreadable as much of what they are showing is far away from what they truly feel. These natives are powerful in the sense that they have a vision that Taurus suns are themselves afraid to truly use. You see second house suns are often in control of their environment because they alter themselves in the necessary form needed to gain the upper hand.Many of them do well in performance art like acting because it allows them to convey their inner world without letting on its source. They often times shy away from commitments as they require the natives to be the real self vs the self they cultivate. Unlike Taurus suns who operate authentically these natives operate in a way that fits the authentic need of the people without having to give up any of their real ego. These natives also aren’t as caught up in the materialistic side of life rather they are obsessed with their self esteem and how that self esteem is equated in the real world around them. For them their biggest fear is being misused or taken advantage of and very often so life puts them in a situation where this happens to teach them a level of boundaries between themselves and that of the people who surround them. They tend to be highly passive when it comes to loss in their life. they factor the loss of people whether by death or by them leaving one another’s life as just another one of the misfortunes of the world, in their eyes it can’t be avoided and is an eventuality but even so they must continue to move forward with or without others. This trait alone separates them from their Taurus sun counterparts. They value people who are gentle and preserving but these people albeit their perfect match tend to scare sun in the second house natives the most as the idea of someone who will love them fully disgust them in a way, mainly because deep down these natives don’t truly identify with their need to be accepted and loved because it is devoured by their need to move forward at all cost. these natives teeter between the collective vs the self and often find themselves inevitably choosing the self yet resenting the loneliness that follows suite

Sun In Gemini Vs Sun In The Third House:

(The Devil Vs Satan)

Sun In Gemini: The Devil

Song: Kendrick Lamar - U

These Natives often receive much bad mouthing and malice as their traits are normally misunderstood or mis-identified as Gemini itself being a mutable sign makes it a sign that mirrors energy that is given to it onto the person sending the energy. Gemini Suns on their own are outwardly controlled and restless but internally they are a landscape of thoughts, that multiply and divide like the cells in the human body. They are like compact computers in this sense because their mental scape at times is carrying Gigabytes upon gigabytes of thought process.They are living in a busy head-space often so much of their day to day involves them tussling with their voices and which side to listen to, which one to ignore, which to dive into and so on. This is often why these natives Live for interaction and communication, the less mental release the darker the head-space and the darker the head-space the more dangerous the Gemini. The lack of stimulation can present itself as addictions, self destructive behavior and outright hatred that seems to have no source. these natives more than most feed of human contact, it provides them a way to see beyond their mind and peer into another’s for a moment of relief. Gemini suns are very tender and affectionate, often loving physical sensations as they bring new understandings and mental curiosity to the native. they often adore sex but not for the act itself but for the many sides of sex, the control, the lack of it, the passion and the lack of it, the intimacy and the lack of it, the desire and also the lack of it, to these natives they all swirl around like aspects of a cocktail. lying and creating chaos is an aspect of their two headed serpent like nature but often times the shadow self of the Gemini is the most damaged version of themselves hidden away to maintain a level of sanity for the Gemini twin in charge. Gemini sun tend to have this dualistic side to them that can sometimes present itself as real bipolar disorder but this is not something that can be applied to realism as all astrology really is, is a map for better self understanding. These natives at times fluctuate between moments of peace and moments of chaos depending on which twin makes it’s appearance.  Much like the Devil these natives can carry a sharp and mischievous tone but they can also have an angelic and rather childish youth to them that is so promising and inviting like white wine underneath dying autumn leaves as summer turns to fall. They represent a deep darkness in humanity whilst also representing the angel the devil was before he fell out of grace. Gemini suns are radiating with knowledge and tid bits that could unsettle the world but they never read the whole story, the whole scripture, they hang on to the small details and create a world around it. Gemini suns tend to struggle in their early years due to the push and pull dynamic of the angel and demon complex and at times a state of passivity is reached where they could care less either way how and what is effected by their actions. These natives despite their struggles are enterprising and gifted with an intellect beyond comprehension. They masculine and feminine energy tend to struggle with this placement as it naturally represents both in both energies. much like the devil they have a rather gender less energy when it comes to the world around them which is often why many Gemini suns are bisexual or pansexual as their desires are often times less about the physical and more about the mental. they can seem to be a chameleon  due to how easily they can shift in and out of personalities but ultimately they aren’t so much so becoming someone else, they’re becoming the other twin. The secondary Gemini face is unlike the devil it is angelic and curious, innocent and loving but it’s pitfall is wrath and spite. As im sure these are traits you would apply to the devil no? well in this case the angelic Gemini twin wears them as a means of not handling their wounds properly. Gemini suns unlike most people put their hurt away by passing it on to the other twin who soaks it like a sponge, as a result over the years whenever the twin rears it’s head and is mistreated as a defense mechanism it reacts in these darker toned ways that can at times be devoid of humanity due to that twin being so lacking in interaction with people. Gemini suns often struggle with the inner and outer mind. for them they desperately search for a mental release of some form and often times it takes precedence over all things no matter how grounded the Gemini Sun. a never ending therapy session full of broadness and intellectual depth is their dream as in their most vulnerable state they desperately want to be seen, not just as one face but both faces.

Sun In the Third House: Satan

Song: Kendrick Lamar- Untitled 07(Levitate) 

These natives can only be described as isolated princesses & Prince solemnly watching the world circle around their creations and crafts like moths to a flame. They are so vastly different from their counterparts in the sense that for them the world is more like a game then it is a cage. They are savvy, quick of wit and naturally street smart. Many of them prance through the world as if they’ve lived in the projects, the ghetto, or the slums as it is what allows them to use the more scarce methods, having very little and even in some cases building from ash and managing to create whole empires in the place of it.  To them the concept of “lack” fuels their desire to expand the concept of having nothing. To them the world is built upon fallacies and they wish to unsheathe them by playing into the role of the underdog, the follower or the easy going lover and friend until they ultimately get to the place they had been dying to reach only to sever ties, turn on, vilify or in some cases tear down those who helped them get there. Now to many of you this may sound like an evil way to get by in the world but you must understand unlike Gemini suns these natives don’t live solely in the mind rather they live in the minds of others, to them their life’s purpose is understanding the patterns and desires of others so they themselves can mold themselves into those desires, so they can predict those patterns..all of it is like chess. For them to have the higher ground on the world at large plays into their need to remain ambiguous and Elite. The masculine and feminine much Like Gemini sun present themselves as the gender or energy type that suites them at the moment. You need them to be passive? they already closed their mouth and you haven’t released you already called all the shots..you want them to be passionate and aggressive, they’ve already controlled the day, they’ve changed the way they grip you, the way they lock eyes with you..these natives can be anything, anyone..because for them the art of playing to an illusion is a survival tactic one the learn at an early age to cultivate otherwise the world will defeat them and that is something they just cannot allow much like the concept of the world peaks Satan curiosity he must constantly venture, among the people to understand them as a means of never losing, never falling short or missing a step at watching the creations of the man he despises so dearly evolve. These natives are alluring, sweet, loving but in many ways they can seem missing, far away and sometimes unavailable both emotionally and physically. the reason being is that unlike Gemini suns these natives do not need to be heard, they need to be ahead and once they feel tied or held down by something they’ve already fleshed out and had their time with their restless need to be ahead comes out and they soon gravitate their focus elsewhere. Their constantly at war with the concept of Do i understand it all vs do i understand enough at all?

Sun In Cancer Vs Sun In The Fourth House:

(Arch Angel Gabriel Vs The Deity Tsukuyomi)

Sun In Cancer: Arch Angel Gabriel 

Song: Daughter - Amsterdam 

These natives contrary to belief are not as lacking in emotional awareness nor are they as gullible as other might like to believe them to be. One of the most frightening traits of cancer Sun’s is their ability to emotionally detach from people and situations in a rather abrupt manner. These natives are emotive but in some ways the emotions aren’t always backing the action. Cancer suns fall into the behavior of sometimes being nice for being nice’s sake and often times care more about the feelings of others than they do themselves. In more underdeveloped masculine energies this can rear it’s head as emotional narcissism, thinking the whole room revolves around their feelings and their feelings only, leaving everyone else to have to play pick up the pieces for someone who refuses to take accountability. in some of the even lesser versions this can cause manipulation of the emotional variety, using someones vulnerability as a weapon  are sometimes tactics of masculine energy cancers and Feminine energy cancers who failed to acknowledge the skeletons in their own closet. Cancer suns often remind me of Gabriel in the sense that they carry his will of doing what is needed rather than what is wanted. Cancer Suns understand the difference between need and want and often times center their life around such inclinations. To them everyone no matter where they come from desires things they don’t truly need and fortify things they want only for a moment. As a result cancer suns tend to prioritize people, things and places under the laws of what they need and what they want and often times they can turn a cold shoulder to the things they feel are momentary even if it’s a person. Cancer Suns can be powerful, enigmatic and divinely feminine no matter their gender due to their inner desire to nurture and care for others, no matter how underdeveloped or developed these natives are the desire to protect and care for others is their base setting. Many as they age become more and more like their mother, often adopting the qualities they admired most and showcasing the negative ones when under stress or moments of trauma. These natives are deeply loving and caring and at times this gets taken advantage of but only briefly as Cancer suns are almost Demonically vindictive. The natives see colors on people and tend to be highly spiritually perceptive of auras and presence within people without even exchanging words. They tend to be closed when it comes to their feelings and contrary to social media cancer Suns do not express their inner feelings readily, much like a crab they withhold and protect their underbelly often coming towards things in a side to side manner much like a crab Even more so when they are a Cancer Rising. They tend to only really open their souls to those precious to them and often times when Cancer Sun’s feel they’ve over shared they retreat and often times disappear unless reassured that the person is kind and honest. Cancer Suns despise fakes and those who are emotionally careless and rude so often times they can become dismissive and down right aggressive in an almost warrior like way when confronted by rudeness or self centered behavior. Cancer Suns have a pronounced sexuality, as they represent femininity in it’s motherly form they often embody it’s glow and sway whilst remaining Innocent and seemingly unknowing. Cancer Sun’s often become more balanced as they age as many of them see their progressed sun move into Leo which aids with the confidence and the ability to balance out their darker head spaces that arise emotionally. They can have Strong emotions and because of this in some cases some people with this placement can struggle with such things such as depression and and or manic depression, that being said this is not a product of having sun in cancer, this can happen to anyone. Cancer Suns do have fluctuating emotional states that can fly between happy weeks and months to times of solemn and lethargic states and this is often more so seen in all cancer Suns no matter whether they are in a good place or bad. the key for them is to learn identification so that way they can deal with the emotion when it comes and let it run it’s course without submerging themselves in it. Cancer suns often battle with the concept of Nurture Vs Nature. To them they feel as if it’s their divine purpose to care for others, and they feel like people should be caring enough to consider more than just themselves but in truth the world isn’t always like that and some people are indeed selfish and often times this realization of self motivation perplexes Cancer suns because on a deeper level they don’t know how to disconnect from their need to solely focus on the well being of others whilst also worrying about their own health and emotional well being.

Sun In The Fourth House: The Deity Tsukuyomi

Song: Daughter - Numbers

Ah These natives are truly a never ending Dream starting so pleasant and continuously transitioning like phases of the moon into A nightmare, a sunset, a wet dream, a night terror over and over.These natives are Vague in their difference From their sun counterpart. They seem Emotional and Actually are just as emotional as their actions give way for them to be. But in reverse order these natives do sentimental actions in seldom as they prefer to hide their softer side and present a more aloof front. Unlike Cancer suns the idea of being nice for the sake of it isn’t their forte, rather niceness that is earned is more their language. they admire a certain level of genuine feeling but despise it at the same time due to the roller coaster it sends them on. They often remind me of the Japanese God Tsukuyomi for their tenacity, their often proud and pious nature that dare i say is more Leo archetype than Leo is itself. These natives are proud of their home, to them home is a castle but oddly enough a castle they can’t stand to stay in for to long. They are not homebodies and in many cases tend to see a desire for exploration outside their home towns and often times the countries itself. These natives suffer from emotionally impulsive streaks, often entangling themselves in situations without guarding their heart because unlike Cancer suns these natives have no emotional awareness, they play everything by ear including their heart and that often throws them in an inescapable abyss that tends to devour them. Though these natives are kind at times they are also pompous, they are loving but they’re selfish about how this love is expressed. They want everything on their time often forgetting about the emotional side of things for other people and this is where they get in trouble and why people at times find them overbearing or unreachable. These natives are passionate and insanely creative, often the magnitude of this creativity as limitless as their reservoir of emotion. They wear everything loudly but also hide parts that they need when it’s convenient.  these natives are rather childlike in their personality due to the fact that they don’t care much if their blatant about their disinterest or lack of concern and dare i say this is one of their worst and best traits. They don’t fake it and love or hate them they don’t give a shit. They can be tremendously spiteful though which is even more so pronounced in the feminine energy than it is the masculine. Their struggle lies in the concept of To Have and Not to have, they often times fall prey to the desire to feast and never end never once realizing that once it’s all gone they’ll have nothing. They also fail sometimes to except that just because they want to have something the other person or people in question do not also have to want it and this at times is where they minds clash, because they genuinely do not understand why people are not seeing it their way. Their moods are worse than cancer suns due to the fact that they are not aware of they are having them, this means that they can fly into a mean state without realizing they’ve shifted and this at times can make them seem far more unpredictable then they mean to be. These natives are so loving and genuinely do mean well but their ego does get the best of them with this placement quite a bit.

Sun In Leo Vs Sun In The Fifth House:

(The Sun God Ra Vs The God Of Destruction Shiva)

Sun In Leo: The Sun God Ra

Song: Empress of - Should’ve 

In Certain Ways one can always find themselves confused at the hands of Leo Suns, As direct, Honest and bold as they may be parts of their personality are layered in rather elusive undertones. Leo suns are typically Vibrant, confident souls who march to the beat of their own blazing chariot and drum to match, but much of this bravado is burning so fervently as a means of hiding the softer and in many ways more docile side of these native. They pursue life in a zesty and at times rather emotionally flighty manner as to not ruffle the feathers of those who can’t keep up with them though they can’t help but relish in the fact that they themselves create energy and disperse it where ever they go and not one person can take that away from them. Despite this though Leo suns battle with their Ego on a daily basis and it’s a battle they don’t show the world. Much to their lament their heart at times has a goal of it’s own and no matter how hard they try to live by the flame eventually their flames seethe and reveal their true nature which is much more unsure, much more sentimental and compassionate. Leo Suns are deeply feeling and them being a fixed sign makes these emotions hit like an entire solar system when it happens. Though they hate to admit it they are sensitive, they want to be loved and seen authentically but are also scared of this vulnerability. For the masculine energy this can cause a flighty nature especially in the realm of the heart. Many masculine Leo’s will brake up or pull the “it’s a little too much for me” “ i think maybe we should take a brake” “i want to keep things casual,” approach with romance and things can be going great, marriage worthy and suddenly they pull out. Why? well Leo suns in their masculine spirit are deeply fearful of their feminine side, to them the idea of submission in any form even if it’s to their own heart is a weakness and one they would rather avoid. When this happens they trick themselves into becoming more sexual, more in need of the bachelor life style when in reality they know deep down they want your love, to be loved and accepted whole beyond the meaningless ass kissing they receive. This back and forth nature of their’s does continue sometimes but once they truly open their heart their love is that of a thousand burning blue suns turning the most tremendous white. For them love is their weakness and they seek to present this strong and rather disconnected stance for as long as they can because to them maintaining that powerful and free energy is their soul and to give up their soul for love is their destiny albeit one they detest. These natives are insanely willful and will fight tooth and nail to create, explore and build no matter the obstacle but that being said these natives battle their need to “escape” which can often lead them into addictive behavior as they need to run away from the feeling especially once the flames start to die down. These natives tend to be emotionally unavailable and give everyone the most calm and yet sincere showing of love but underneath i promise their is a depth and well of passion. In the feminine Leo energy is calm and proud but it is also more in-tune with the need for emotion and softness despite the universal Leo energy need for emotional tightness as to not show the world their hide. These natives often struggle with the Theme of Acknowledgement vs Rejection. For them the idea of acknowledging a weakness, a love or a vulnerability is death for them so as a result they reject it for as long as they can however they can and in this process they destroy themselves and the relationships they hold dear. they spend much time wrapped in the concept of accepting the way the feel and not running away from the side of the selves that isn’t shrouded in those glamorous flames. They are caring beyond belief despite the way those flames may fool the world, And dare i say out of many of the signs Leo Sun’s genuinely have hearts of gold in every way. Though Much Like Ra these natives are seen by many under many guises and faces many of which are farther away from the true kinded hearted soul underneath that truly is as radiant as the sun.

Sun In The Fifth House: The God Of Destruction Shiva

Song: Empress Of - Need Myself 

These Natives are quite the storm of Passion and at times this can be the very damning thing in their life. These natives live by the code of fire and tend to burn and burn never realizing their flames are eating up those they care-fore just as much as their foes. They tend to be Patronizing, Domineering, Physical, animated, Passionate and driven Though at times they loose sight of those who marched with them once the goal is reached. They Adore gratification but also don’t believe others deserve it out of their idea of what it looks like to dig fingers in the dirt for something. They believe in fighting for the just things but in saying this they themselves resent people who need to feel honored for doing such a thing. See these natives despise yet love praise, to them praise feels like honey and milk but has the after taste of cleaning solution and dirt. They want to feel needed but despite co-dependence. they want to feel it all but get lost in the feeling. for them their world is one big cyclone of events they just happen to take part in but they also don’t enjoy the drama that comes along with it though it secretly fuels them. to them life is to be tamed and those who are tamed by it are simply unlucky. They value intimacy above all else because in their eyes real intimacy cannot be faked, but they have a tendency to over identify with sex and intimacy almost using it as a bargain when in reality sex and intimacy are simply a pleasant moment between people. These natives can at times be addicted to the chaos and the negligence though they try to mask it as a pursuit of fun and liveliness. Much like Shiva these natives Believe that in order to create things must be tore the fuck up in order for them to really ever be real. The arguments, the tears, the ups and downs make it real for them and usually the lack of it can drive them mad. They prioritize their romances because that’s in a sense their focal point, their sun, their divine purpose but as you can imagine it is also their worst trait as it makes them incredibly insatiable for love but it also damages them greatly when they are alone without love in life. in Feminine energy the pursuit for love isn’t as all consuming and many focus more on their art and the beauties of children and theater many times over these natives live in the club as if it is some gorgeous ballroom whilst others paint and dance as if they where in a room with all the may gods. Masculine energies tend to be on the hunt for something, be it sex, be it themselves, be it a mighty battle to delight in they constantly pursue their own ideal of the sun no matter the activity in question. These natives tend to show all their rawness even their heart because unlike Leo suns they are not fearful of their deeper emotions which is a blessing and curse at times. They tend to battle against Wrath and Happiness. For them a constant state of turmoil is their fuel but the idea of happiness in its all scares them as they fear it will bring stagnancy and boredom along with it. they want to maintain their circulation of storms and tribulations and at times happiness intimidates them as it represents completion and often times completion is not yet what they desire. 

Sun In Virgo Vs Sun In The Sixth House:

(Death God Iku Vs King Yan God of Death, Of The Ten Kings Of Hell)

Sun In Virgo: Death God Iku

Song: Brent Faiyaz- Make Luv

Sun in Virgo natives aren’t so much as something you can readily identify, they are not necessarily a thing as much as they are a what. They feel good, but they also surround you like a presence rather than a physical being. They often times feel like something carnal and ethereal but at the same time gravitate away from this by their realistic and rather internally discontent energy. They seem like they are just moving through the world, like a child who found out Santa was nothing more than a fable.They want and need to be needed but this desire is rooted in their early understanding of relevance being tied to usefulness. To be relied on is better than sex for them as it feeds their inner desire to be needed. Though we say this one might also call this their greatest weakness as their dependency on being needed swarms their lives into situations that allow them to be used and rather than be sad about it they seek out more situations until these woes mount a rather steep hill deep in their psyche. They often suffer from their fair share of demons because of their blind ignorance to their own pain, to them the pain is merely a small price to pay for those small moments of being needed, being useful in that moment they are seen more than any hug, child, parental love or sexual liaison can provide. Much Like Iku these natives live amongst the shadows as a presence, fading in and out of situations like a black smoke. They love the idea of being around others but they secretly loathe it as deep down they feel the attention is swirling away from them. most feminines with this placement suffer immensely as they struggle to separate being needed from being used and separating love from hate.To them the occasional grips outlast the major ones but in reality the small ones are the ones that leave the deepest wounds, while the big ones just leave a gaping hole that was already their to begin with.They admire work ethic and creativity in others as its something they too seek to connect with but they often burn out constantly due to their lack of emotional focus. they often jump in and out of happy and down periods with the down periods out weighing the happy ones due to them not genuinely pursuing their own vices of their own free will. though they care for others they don’t really love themselves which is many times over why they purposely play the game of how long can i rip myself apart subconsciously as they systematically replay the same scenarios with the same ending. Sex is another dimension to Virgo suns, they much Like Gemini Suns see it as a curiosity but due to their earthy component the curiosity instantly dies as soon as their sensual mind catches up with what is really happening. They want and need mental as well as true physical compatibility which can only happen when they align themselves with their emotional self. This circus act tends to continue as the biggest struggle for this sign is My pain vs your pain dynamics. They never know when to draw the line and ultimately they get eaten up by it. The masculines suffer the greatest as they are prone to holding on to their past hurts and using it as justification for mistreatment of people that come after. in their eyes the world was cruel to them so why can’t they be the god and return the favor and this is often why they endure the worst as the universe punishes them tend fold.

Sun In the Sixth House: King Yan, Of the Ten Kings Of Hell

Song: Brent Faiyaz - Insecure 

As many of you may Know we look to the sixth house as the house of structure, day to day activities, routines and health yet for a native with their sun here the health and the health of others can be an ongoing theme in their lives.They Are constantly running on an internal schedule one that can seem to make all of the minutes in a day pure agony. They tend to be meticulous in some cases whilst in others they seem to be following some sort of silent bell that tells them the when and where. Time management, organizing and even planning are their hidden talents mainly because when it comes to other people they are like death itself, constantly waiting, passing the time almost excited at the idea of putting everything together. They can seem detached but down to earth, their hallmark is their humility and bluntness but in some lower cases they can seem condescending and emotionally daft. They say and do things according to their mental comprised list of do’s and don’ts. most people fall in reaction and action types for them and they tend to formulate their actions and reactions in response to these but much like life itself many things are unexpected including people and this is often where these natives malfunction, they assume actions before they take place and are totally unprepared for the off chance things operate outside of that box. To them there is a steady cause and effect momentum that life runs by and often very little does life operate off this agenda. For them life can be stages and every stage represents different levels of turbulence for them, at times things are well and other times they seem unstable or at times they can seem rather abysmal but thats much like life no? things can shift in and out of focus. well you see for these natives that shift of focus can be earth shattering as they tend to revolve their life around specific situations at times which can be highly discombobulating for them when they hadn’t the time to prepare counter alternatives. These natives are quick mentally and typically love the idea of nature and it’s animals, many loving to surround themselves with lively animated pets. they tend to care for their pets and plants more than they do people at times as they naturally see nature and animals as their happy place and area of grounding. Work is also important to these natives so they can often be very proud and intense when it come to the job hunt as their job is often what they want to be known for, how good they do is always important to them. In the masculine energy this can make the men rather messy/earthy looking as they pick up their features from nature in a quite literal way. for the feminine energy types the mercurial influence gives that gender less tone once more whilst also adding a soothing and innocent beauty. these natives are often dealing with the theme of Time Vs Place. For them Time is always an issue, when is it the right time? they never know how much time to alot to moments in their which ends up creating states of drain in them, but the place has much to do with this as well as these natives fail to realize that the places they trap themselves in is a cause of their lack of time, very rarely do they set themselves in situations that give them enough time to exercise free time yet they find themselves wondering where all the time has gone when it was never there to being with.

Sun in Libra Vs Sun In The Seventh House:

(Loki The Trickster Vs Dolos/Dolus The Spirit Of Trickery)

Sun In Libra: Loki The Trickster

Song: King Princess - Back Of a Cab

As an outsider looking in it may seem like Libra suns are impartial, Sweet and charming in a way that is both fleeting yet inviting, but among their well meaning disposition lay a certain anticipation of the camera cutting into the more grotesque scene. These natives Live almost as though they were a celebrity, their minds and energy go into the upholding of the idea they present. be it that they are a punk rock don’t need a man type, or maybe they are seen as a high ranking and family oriented politician, or mayhaps they are seen as the athlete or the singer with the smile of a cool summer evening. They wont ever showcase what lay underneath due to the real self being far more ominous then people are ready for. Libra suns are in reality stoic, serious, and unenthusiastic, this may sound bad but its in reality meaning that they aren’t as wrapped up in your shit as you may think. Libra suns present themselves as more caring and more involved then they really are as in all truth being cardinal their real focus at the end of the day is their own independent well being and whether or not anything is serving the purpose it needs within their lives. They are incredibly independent and dare i say even more than Aries suns. Libra suns really go through all the effort of seeming dependent and unknowing because it allows for people to see them as less of a threat, this in term gets them leighweigh in cultivating beneficial situations for themselves without a hassle. That being said they can get into trouble when the mask fades as people begin to realize their true nature. Libra suns are caring and gentle to those around them and this part is honest as they do have an appreciation for the sensual and often the beautiful aspects of relating to others. Though that being said they have a limit of to how much interaction with others they can stand for, to much of seeing someone can bore them and depending on the nature of the continued interaction they’ll often begin to wear their mask more fiercely as they are now beginning to fight their real self from telling you to leave them be. Libra suns are well meaning but at times they do find themselves caught between the mirror of deception, this shows itself as them getting caught up on past performances they’ve up-kept coming to bite them in the ass. They rationalize things here and there but for the most part much of what they may feel is felt deeply as they tend to see emotions as a gift and something they hold onto. The reason being that Libra suns seldom stay in a moment to long so often when a strong emotion catches them off guard they welcome it though if it’s a negative emotion they tend to retreat from it especially if it’s a romantic emotion that is moving along faster than intended. They are uplifting and selfless most times but selfish and rather clouded by their romances when they do come around. Their greatest struggle tends to be The real me vs the Me everyone Thinks is me. These natives play so deeply into their roles that they often times fly so far away from their own inner world that they forget what or how to identify their own feelings apart from the ones they have made everyone believe they are experiencing.

Sun In The Seventh House: Dolos/Dolus The Spirit Of Trickery 

Song: King Princess - Ohio 

These natives Unlike their Libra Sun Counterparts Exhibit traits that i can only describe as seemingly disengaged yet deeply engaged at the same take. They can seem as if they are wandering, mentally shifted in another place yet almost like a trance they heard every word, saw every movement they were analyzing you yet how could you tell? These natives are observant and often times the silence is their way of capturing the moment. They prefer talkative types as they reveal more and make that part of the interaction easier for them, but people who are overly mysterious or quiet tend to offset them as it gives them very little to work with and puts the balancing act on their back. They try to make others feel understood mainly because they themselves resonate so deeply with the process of finding oneself and understanding ones own true inner workings.These natives seem tricky and deceptive but rather its more or less the spirit they give off. They seem deceptive because they don’t reveal much, yet unknown to others they just don’t identify as heavily as most with the things in their life well enough to reveal much. The seem like tricksters because they know the right time to speak and the right time to act which can at times seem like they’re planning or scheming when in reality they are simply good readers of body language and social ques. they often times trail along a sadness that they can’t seem to attach a reason to but this sadness is often the shadow. unlike Libra suns these natives can’t pretend to be something mainly because they don’t really know who they are apart  from their immediate interactions with others. they have an idea but at times they feel like a shadow of something. The shadow self often tries to convince them to play roles, play into things that could possibly be them yet in actuality they know deep down that would only further the disassociation with themselves. love is a big thing for these natives but it always seems fleeting, as if all their good graces are wasted on individuals who never deserved their love. in an ironic twist though it is actually wonderful that these people come into their lives as they aid their journey to self discovery. These natives are genuine and kind hearted despite their rather quiet and too themselves nature. Their greatest battle is between The Loud Heart and The Quiet Heart. Often times these natives play into the feelings they can see but never into the ones they feel but cannot see, to them the emotions need to have a logic behind them and if not they shrug it off as a irrational emotion. They often times are terrified by their own depth mainly because it belongs to a side of themselves they are not yet familiar and this is the shadow.

Sun In Scorpio Vs Sun In The Eighth House:

(The Mighty Marques Aamon Vs Arch Angel Michael)

Sun In scorpio: The Mighty Marques Aamon

Song: Tove Lo - Are u Gonna Tell Her?

ah The mighty Scorpio sun, Riddled in the darker parts of human nature where they themselves seem to find a sense of curiosity and compulsion. These natives tend to be easy to spot, rather not for just their physical attributes but for their ominous and rather soul inquiring gaze. They see right through you and have already dressed every aspect of you soul a million times over as if it were a pull over scarf. They more often then not have an early look into the nastier side of man due to the influence of Pluto and Mars throwing down their intense calamity. See Pluto and Mars are not necessarily on equal grounding and often times Pluto ruffles Mars in just the right way for mars to gear up in aggression which then cause Pluto to polarize and become calculated and manipulative in order to gain the upper hand. due to this these natives tend to express the inner conflict outwardly as a hot and cold/off and on demeanor and approach to all things be it love, family, and even career’s. Scorpio Suns do not want to draw attention to their actions or their inner workings so much of their ego goes into sharing just enough to get what they need from others whilst revealing almost nothing of themselves. In lesser versions of Scorpio suns this can be problematic behavior as they soon become controlling, Gas light heavy and emotionally abusive to those close to them as a means of furthering their need to be in control. Make no mistake though Scorpio suns are typically battling their own demons the main difference being what part of their journey of healing they are on. Scorpio in feminine types tends to be the most afflicted as the overly competitive masculine ruling signs clashes with the more submissive or passive feminine energy. This clash is apart of what makes these natives so alluring and sensual, you can almost feel the war steaming over their skin, the pain in their eyes, the intensity, you feel all of it as if you where there with them. They tend to be very loving and loyal souls but can struggle with opening their hearts to real love, the kind that heals and extends it’s hand. Scorpio Suns have a bad knack for going after their mirror, and this in turn is apart of their journey but also a habit that must be broken. The reason is linked to the fact that Scorpios Suns are drawn naturally to people that force them to Acknowledge their trauma, darkness and inner instability which sends them on emotional benders that can last years if they are not careful. Often times the Scorpio Sun natives are in a constant flux where they must deal with Ex’s, Family dramas and at a deeper level mental brakes but this is all apart of their grand story despite how heavy the lows are. Scorpio suns as a whole struggle with the concept of Destruction and Rebirth. For them everything in their life has a life expectancy and once the time comes all things fall to ruin, only Scorpio suns obsess with the idea of rebirth leading to a form of longevity a way to ensure things never cease nor ware down..But in reality this continuously vicious cycle of Devastation and second life are draining for their spirits and their soul. It’s ok to let go and it’s okay for things to be at peace, just because there is no war at hand it is no cause for worry of an impending ending and often times these natives in their fear of this manifest their own endings. Much like the Mighty Demon Aamon these natives are compassionate and understanding but also careless, wild and wouldn’t hesitate to impose their will no matter the consequence to others. They have a hard time with the white Pickett fence lifestyle and often times find themselves craving the unknown, the unstable, the misfortune..they are drawn to it like mosquitoes to blood.

Sun in The Eighth House: Arch Angel Michael

Song: Tove lo- Passion& Pain Taste The same(Extended Version)

Sun in the Eighth house Natives are Emotionally adept, but noticeably scary in the sense that they always seem as if they are sizing you up, writing in pieces and parts of you personality so they themselves can further dig into you psyche  in a way that prevents you from pulling the wool over their eyes. unlike Scorpio Suns these natives aren’t a walking ball of tension rather they exude a mysterious and rather deceptive energy as if they are a black mist eroding away at the walls silently beyond your sight. They are just as Black and White as Scorpio suns but more dangerous due to the fact that they see the grey area clearly and choose when they’d like to include it in their perceptive analysis. They can have a military like energy to them, seeming authoritative and closed, while also having a rather shady nature to them even if they are not personally out to get anything at all. Often times people around them perceive them in a rather untrustworthy light even if they are the most honest person in the world, the reason being the eighth house squaring the energy of the Sun, it creates a Leo meets Scorpio Dynamic that creates friction in the outside world but not the bedroom. Sex is where these natives feel they can truly glow and shine, where they can truly unwind and express their true nature. Often times sexual addiction or sexual obsession can become apparent if the natives listen to their lower vibrations. They often times see people in a way of value and have a hard time letting go of them due to the bountiful potential they see in them. to these natives everyone on this earth has meaning no matter how small and that makes them irreplaceable. They often struggle with the idea of growing up Vs staying young. They often hold on to their youth, and even sometimes surround themselves by a younger audience as a means of ignoring father time who often forces them to confront the harsh realities of life. They often times battle with their mature side as it represents confronting their rigid more disillusioned side. they want to be optimistic but deep down they recognize the serious rather proud nature within themselves though they may try to shrug it off. They want their darkness to be excepted but simultaneously detest it as if it where a violent storm or pack of hounds set loose. despite this they have a rather intense nature but one that is more calm and mischievous then its Scorpio sun counterpart. Much like Michael these natives are dutiful but ruthless, if it gets them what they need they’ll execute it without issue no matter who is effected. They tend to follow orders and expect the same from others. they have an empress/emperor like energy which can at times seem intimidating and cold.

Sun In Sagittarius Vs Sun In The ninth House:

(Norse God Odin Vs Pantheon God Of Olympus Zeus)

Sun In Sagittarius: Norse God Odin

Song: Cinnamon Chasers - Speeder 

These Natives do live up to their expansive Ruling planet, They at times are so high up in the sky that they forget there is a whole world around them. They are often distracted, Blunt, Mean, Cut throat, Philosophical and open minded whilst also somehow managing to be vibrant, Sincere and very hard lovers for those they hold dear. They can have trouble holding back their opinions and their ideas and once that mouth of their’s gets going it tends to be a real sucker punch. They adore adventure but tend to find adventure in their day to day life just as exciting. The traveling generalization is often true but for Sagittarius suns it’s not so much foreign cultures as it is experiencing something outside of their immediate normality. they can’t stand someone who doesn’t have any idea what they’re talking about and will dig your grave for you via words if you waste their time, every second is precious to a Sagittarius sun no matter how minor you may think it is. They are often very straightforward in their approach to all things which can be a good or bad thing depending on how strong willed you are to deal with such a strong force. They tend to live in their minds but unlike Gemini these thoughts and desires find their way into the real world which often time can lead them into some sketchy or bad situations due to how little thought or consideration went into the details of the thought itself. They are insanely willful folks and will fight anyone who intends on placing them into a set standard of expectations and rules. They are often creative and fair very well with bringing in their own unique spin to the things they create. certain emotions some of us spend years or days mulling over these natives typically pass through relatively swiftly. Nothing really is that serious to these natives, after-all in their eyes all that could be done has been done. They tend to have a rocky relationship with their emotional hemisphere and thats often where the underdeveloped lot of this sun sign seek out their flighty and or venomous tongue to defend themselves. they often are quite sensitive and loving but struggle to apply this as its a foreign concept to them. Their flightiness is also deeply rooted in their need to chase, to constantly be on the hunt for their divine pleasure. The masculine and feminine both fall prey to this. Similarly to Odin these natives are creative, expansive in their mentality, leaders, explorers and deeply intellectual beings bent on understanding the world and all within it too it’s fullest extent. Their greatest struggle tends to be between the Should i stay vs should i go dynamic. They are always leaving the people and things they have no business leaving behind yet sticking around for the nonsense that truly serves them no other purpose but sex, false validation or presenting a sort of illusion. 

Sun In The Ninth House: Pantheon God Of Olympus Zeus

Song: Cinnamon Chasers -Luv Deluxe 

For these natives the differences can be a little harder to tell, though if anything they stand out even more so than it would for a Sagittarius sun. These natives have a inspirational mind, Dexterous, and very good at micro-managing their own energies. They do suffer from a horrid resting bitch face and cannot hold their tongue when it comes to most things as they prefer to say exactly whats on their mind but this happens more unknowingly for them than it does for their sun sign counterpart. these natives share Zeus’s promiscuous nature, finding it relatively easy to move on from person to person due to the way they look at relationships being stepping stones that further them along to their perfect match. Not very often do these natives find themselves in one position for two long as they suffer from restlessness more than any fire sign or other fire house combined. to them The day is meant to be explored and often times these adventures are completely random as their desire to expand can come suddenly like a blast of cold air. They tend to also enjoy their fair share of tattoos, body augmentations, and hair dyes. Anything that allows them to heighten their experience which in many cases also includes drugs, as the natives love being able to awaken the parts of themselves unattainable during the day. They are partiers but also at times very studious. many are very dedicated to the idea of college while others drop out due to feeling they can find other ways to expand and create on their own. This native is often dualistic in the sense that they can pursue one path for some time and then completely fly off the rail and start a new path abruptly and this personality trait is something that continues as time goes on. They are very giving souls nonetheless and willingly sacrifice and support those they care about with ease be it paying for their food, letting them stay at their house or borrow their clothes. The thing is these natives are good at assessing the boundary and can very easily tell you to leave or that they want to be alone, because although they are kind they also still know their own personal needs matter just as much at the end of the day. They often inquire much about the emotional side of things because they often don’t understand the emotions of others nor what motivates their actions which is their greatest source of frustration. Their main struggle much like Zeus is Abundance Vs Accumulation. They often crowd on things for the sake of having it, but fail to find the the value or usefulness in the very things they are allowing into their life. They must learn to value the things around them otherwise it just ends up being a bunch of furniture with plastic wrap, unused and wasted. They are just as tenacious, gallant, charismatic and strong as Zeus but in hindsight they are just as rude, Oblivious and insatiable as him in their worst.

Sun In Capricorn Vs Sun In The Tenth House:

(Hades Vs Buddha)

Sun In Capricorn: Hades

song: Delilah- Touch me 

If i could describe these natives in a sense i would say they are gifted with a great curse and a Mighty Blessing, and that would be their ability of seeing exactly the deeper nature of an individual without any actual spoken word. They are people readers plain and simple and a great many of them gorge themselves on their hobby of people watching. To them humanity is a big social project and one they are endlessly applying their vast many of skills in decoding. They have an inner earthiness to them that can energetically make them seem slower in their reactions but overly abundant in spirit when it comes to the more physical aspects of life. They have a very emotional relationship with success and money so often times they tend to neglect the other meats of life in favor of money which at times can leave them lonely in the midst of their success. They can have an intimidating aura, one that reaks of sadness and woe in the masculines or one that reaks of intensity and confidence in the feminines. The sun in Capricorn natives have a naturally polarizing emotional state, at times seeming calm, happy or at least passably content to more stoic, lost and emotionally unavailable the moment Saturn’s gloom sinks his teeth into them. they often times find themselves trapped in a current of weight, often times softer things like relaxation, vacations, and even moments of idle are very rarely enjoyed by these natives as often very deep within they feel intense guilt at the experience of any pleasure for too long. to these natives there is a constant nagging voice telling them to “move” and push ahead, the moment they stop the voice becomes a vicious void that can often times give these natives their well known devilish energy. These natives practice restraint subconsciously and often times limit themselves as a means of a deeper rooted paranoia that if they are truly at their best, truly free, everything will come undone. These natives have a life based upon hidden fears that have no real face but often times are tied to Saturn who nurtures the idea in them that things could go wrong at the drop of the hat and that letting ones guard down even for a moment can lead to a very painful lesson. They tend to be loving, and deeply sensitive souls but very hardly ever do they show this face. Masking and false advertising is their forte, pretending to be malicious, cool, aloof, and empty if often easier then showing their bubbly, talkative, and rather softly romantic and tender nature. Love can be a source of pain for them due to the fact that much like all who have Saturn in a prominent place, a lesson is always to be had. these natives tend to learn that love is something that is seldom on par with the level of dedication and patience they exhibit towards their own life, often times fueling their cynical view towards love as a whole. They love intently and with all of their soul, never leaving the side of their lovers but at the same time this love and loyalty comes after years upon years of work and foundation as these natives loathe intimacy or love that seems to flighty or ungrounded in it’s intent. they tend to be spiritual but this is something they grow more intune with the older they get. They tend to be caught in the struggle of maybe it'll be different this time vs already knowing the outcome. The harsh part for these natives is that they deep inside want to give people the benefit of the doubt, they want to be whimsical and naive but it is something to riddled with consequence which they already know and often times they are trapped in a tug of war of was i right to give up on this, to shut down, to close off, was i to harsh, was i to fast to do it? but often times the moment they ignore their intuition the pain is often a violent reminder that they should’ve listened to their gut. these natives much like hades understand the depth of their commitments and find dedicating themselves to things a rigor to be expected but one that is earned not just jumped into head first without proper caution. They live in the dark, ominous and heavy seated parts of life but because of them everything is in order, everything is collected and well placed as it should be. 

Sun In The Tenth House: Buddha 

Song: Delilah - Love you so

Sun In the Tenth housers are drastically different from their fourth house sun counterparts in the respect that where one is Pious, emotionally erratic and arrogant the other is cold, emotionally distanced and humble. These natives prefer quiet as opposed to a loud obnoxious display of the self. To them your work and actions should speak more for your character than some inflated actions or stories. They love intense encounters and often find themselves at the center of powerful people be it bad or good. they enjoy a certain level of unpredictability in thought rather than actually carried out in reality. if i could describe them i’d say they are the emotionally aware bad girl/boy. they enjoy the discretion of the social norm but also have a longing for more structure in their lives. for these natives people are only so interesting to them, once they figure them out the concept presented in getting to know the individual goes out the window. The only real intrigue to them is an ever changing situation, person or thing, anything with a predictable end is often a source of contempt for them. Emotionally they can run HOT like a supernova but then suddenly cool as if all the suns across multiple galaxies vanished into thin air leaving a stark, rigid cold. They tend to adore darkness in others only until this very darkness starts to lose it’s luster. a preference for being a savior for others is present but once again the back and forth nature of this placement and it’s obsession with the idea of disharmony yet simultaneously needing peace. they have a rather neutral perspective in life due to their fluctuating taste, and much like the Buddha they live by a strong law of what you give is what you get, what you do comes back to you and that for every action done, their is an effect waiting for it. Despite this these natives tend to be on the more mischievous side of things seeking a sort of imagined excitement that never ever seems to come. Romantically they are the type to fall hard but also the type to run from anything that is to emotionally saturated. they don’t care for love yet it always finds them anyways, the key with them is that they need it to be paced, anything rushed, anything impulsive or quickly proposed tends to push them deep in their hole. they love sensual affection and touch and often love to place their hands on everything and anything, to feel it in their palms, on their skin, in their hair...they eat up the environment like it were the sea making waves around them. Often times they can have a melancholic sense of humor and seem rather out of touch with their surroundings at times. They prefer loneliness as opposed to bad company and at times the bad company in their eyes is the entirety of human society. They can seem pretentious, Mean, and wildly judgmental with their sharp tongue but if you listen closely at times these natives speak truths you yourself know are true but are not ready to accept. i often call these natives fortune tellers as they speak in foreshadowing tones that allude to future happenings. They often struggle with the heart vs the head. at times they live so much in their mind that the longings of their heart feel like weird wire entanglements that they are not familiar with. They know their heart longs for things but their mind for the life of them can never really make sense of it, to them its all a bunch of gibberish but it often is why they always feel that internal and eternal missing in their lives, as if something should be there but never really is. 

Sun In Aquarius Vs Sun In The Eleventh House: 

(Goddess of Death Hela Vs Moon God Lilith)

Song: SHYGIRL - Freak

So today we speak on one of the most complex and virtually paradoxical sun signs to date, Aquarius suns. These natives are well deserving of their rather multi-layered face, often times seeming like a box with never ending compartments and staircases leading to new basements and by theory new worlds and realities. Often times their level of competency can fly between intellectually dualistic to emotionally dualistic. They can seem like they understand you and at times the depth of this understanding would surprise you despite their seemingly detached nature. Despite this more soft side of their ego make no mistake their god complex is sitting eerily close to the surface. Unlike Gemini suns, there is no second face in the water bearer rather their is only this continuous current that fluctuates between a heavy stream of a light stream and which stream you get depends solely on the level of intellectual enticement the Aquarius sun native can glimpse within you. There is an apparent darkness in these natives but it’s mainly due to their co-rulership of saturn dancing with the erratic demon uranus. These two planets complete each other but they also tug at one another strings in a rather violent and stormy like way, causing a strange ground up and sky to floor motion in these natives moods. One moment they can be rebellious, restless, goofy and rather unbothered and the next moment they can seem stoic, impersonal, detached and down right moody. they love proving others wrong but they also take a great pride in watching a stance someone has held so tightly in pride come crashing down once the sun in Aquarius native corrects them. they take great pride in their mental dexterity but at times can be overwhelmed by the constant and never ending current of thought. They have a tendency to come across as hardheaded and hellbent on their way being the right way as they often despite their airy nature are still intensely fixed. that being said they are deeply curious of society and the world around them, often taking time to learn and study the varying cultures and systems in the immediate environment as well as the environment as others. very many tend to find themselves drawn to humanitarian pursuits albeit a bit shy at first in many cases due to the fact that they themselves don’t always understand their pull to the collective. These natives tend to be loners contrary to belief and find it very difficult at times to cope with their occasional existential crisis as they often find that they don’t really relate or connect to the world or time frame they happen to be apart of. They at times like the idea of being misunderstood while other times they wish atleast one person could peer into their mind and document their beautiful and uniquely grafted mental space but that would be far to available for their liking. Making friends is something that seems like a powerful need for these natives and often times something they struggle with as they often find that they confuse friendship and romance. often projecting more romantic/relationship tendencies on their friendships and projecting more friendship/acquaintance tendencies on their romantic relationships. They do enjoy the idea of being in love or being emotionally connected to others but in a lot of ways they don’t really understand it as much as they’d want to. they tend to in a similar fashion as Hela deem themselves as higher beings who happen to be misunderstood. they view themselves as starving intellects who the world neglects in favor of stupidity and mental stagnancy, a stagnancy that the Aquarius suns believe they can rescue the world from if they listened to them.. Their greatest battle lay in the concept of wisdom vs Virtue. They see these things as separate ideologies, often presented as fallacies rather than something applicable, to them wisdom is unreliable due to the fact that simply knowing something or how it may pan out does not necessarily omit outside factors that alter this variable, and virtue in itself seems like something self assured, but in their eyes something self assured is also prone to change due to the unstable base it is presented upon. so they tend to struggle with letting themselves go to the unknown presented in spirituality, which is often the missing piece to their puzzle. Many of these natives tend to be bisexual, that being said any sign can be bisexual or gay, or so on, the case is that with Aquarius suns, they have such a deeply set ambiguous eternal self that can at times find that it relates more to the energy of others than it does the physical body, especially since for these natives sex and love are not hand in hand as much as mind and body are. 

Sun In The Eleventh House: The Moon God Lilith 

Song: SHYGIRL - Rude

These natives are very unique in the sense that dare i say this is the darkest position for the sun to be in. It creates a tug a war, between the sun and itself as nothing more than a cold white glow. They are charismatic and open, but closed and mysterious. on a hand they can seem welcoming and so entrancing in their approaches, seeming as if they adore the crowd but if you really see them they are intense, perplexed, to themselves and endlessly distrustful. A good word for them is willful and Loudly willful at that. They will not and cannot be moved without their own desire and often times the source of what moves them is unknown to them as well. a complicated requiem of pain swirls within them but the source often alludes them as it stems for a combination of things that have moved around like chess pieces in a chess game with no players in seat. They experience pain but they never claim it rather its seated somewhere and moved around again and again until it origin is blurry to the natives. Pompous at times with their beliefs they are well being, they have an obsessive nature with friendships often deeming them to hold seniority above most things, at times seeing them as extensions of their own ego. the less they understand amongst  their friends the weaker they feel. loving them can be complicated as they are always evolving, changing and dying off ridding pieces of themselves as if they were spring cleaning their souls. They do deal with their darker sides mainly because unlike most of us these natives skeletons never really do go in the closet rather they stand loud and proud in the face of the native so they can face them. They tend to be sensitive but also adaptable so the sensitivity can seem elusive as they tend to firmly glue shut the smallest weakness in themselves the moment it is introduced. They value the feelings of others more then even their own at times but there is often a nice balance between their care for others and the care they have for themselves. They can seem unnerving and captivating as their energy tends to feel like a sultry, in control and rather sophisticated energy though they may not recognize it within themselves. They often times fly in and out of asexuality and this deals more with their emotional state if anything. they at times don’t connect to other people in the way we all do, they see the physical beyond it’s self which can at times cause complete disconnect during moments of intimacy or sex. They often battle the idea of am i complete vs am i incomplete. they never truly know if they have all the pieces aligned and much like Lilith they often times feel an innate need to find the truth, to rebel and quarrel until it all makes sense. they can seem nomadic and ruthless because of this due to the fact that they are willing to do whatever it takes to fuel their desire for self discovery. gender roles and social constraints bore them often times and this makes them feel tense and confined when they are in an overly oppressive or traditional environment 

Sun In Pisces Vs Sun In The Twelfth House: 

( The God Of Creation Brahma Vs Jesus Christ, Son Of God)

Sun In Pisces: The God Of Creation Brahma

Song :Sevdaliza - Dormant

Much Like A dark sea, with waves reaching the clouds and dancing with visible silent but reverberating shocks of light in the sky these natives present a wildly pretty, yet ominous duplicity within their soft and gooey disposition. They can seem rather intangible, yet despite their hard to grasp wetness they can see you, read you and be inside of you like water and dissipate like fog before your very eyes. They are insanely sensitive but unlike the other water signs they are also every other sun sign dressed as one. They have many traits, they carry the impulsive nature of Aries, the sensual and rather harmonious nature of Taurus, the duality and wit of Gemini, The soft and protective nurturing of Cancer, the Amorousness and rather playfully romantic nature of Leo, the Calculated, yet realistic side of Virgo though they fight it.., the Co-dependent yet charming nature of Libra, The emotional intensity and depth of Scorpio, The gun-ho, and rather Flighty nature of Sagittarius, the steady and rigid side of Capricorn, and the Eccentric and rather erratic momentum of Aquarius. thats what makes them so terrifying, they are all things but also nothing at all in theory, a Pisces sun is a reflection of you, their environment, they in theory have no one set manner of being. These natives have a way of seeming completely present, so totally engulfed in you but once reality catches up with them they can seemingly turn into smoke, vanishing into thin air as if they never truly felt anything to begin with. What happened? well Pisces suns are very dualistic in nature, one fish dives in recklessly and the other fish brings them both back to reality and slows things down. Pisces do not readily settle down nor do they readily make any commitments to others be it friends, lovers and even family. everything means more to a Pisces native so they often times need plenty of time to think of the many options, possibilities and outcomes even if they don’t have a clear idea of what they may look like. they tend to be heavily compassionate but can struggle with creating boundaries between their woes and the woes of others. at times they see pain as a shared experience rather than a mission to be experienced solely with the self. in masculines this energy is HARD to handle. it can cause them to get drowned in the Neptune pool, often times making them liars, unstable or emotionally unavailable. in the feminine energy they tend to handle it well though in both energy types the flighty rather slippery side of them is always present, they can seem like they are dodging you or running away but in reality they just shift in and out of feelings like changing currents. they are deeply spiritual and many tie themselves to the unknown as if they were birthed from it. They believe in a higher space, that all things flow in the direction they must with or without intervention. They fear evil in others and often try to save and rescue those who’ve lost their way but many learn overtime that saving is at times not different from enabling. Their biggest fight is flight vs confrontation. These natives much like the god Brahma Are capable of creating and putting together projects and parts of the world in ways that would make all the gods jealous. they have a hand for beauty and making things however they must in a beautifully designed manner...that being said they often shy away from people and things that are good for them due to their fear of themselves and others. deep down they fear the idea of being seen completely as it means all of those 12 faces must fade and the fish must truly present all the parts of itself and thats often when they try to swim away. They fear the concept of being totally seen, totally embraced in the same manner that they do others because then they would have to acknowledge their weakness, Love, receiving honest love scares them as to them the camera is finally on them.

Sun In The twelfth House: Jesus Christ, Son Of God

Song: Sevdaliza - wallflower

We now come to the last of the houses. These Natives have an abundance of mist that shrouds them, much like a cloak or a long blast of light from the heavens surrounding them in its glow. They don’t normally stand out, many times having a rather passive and calm demeanor, seeming polite but not overly open nor connected. Though upon further inspection one can clearly make out their rather attentive eye for human emotion and human desire. they can seemingly pin point the sorrow in others, the dreams, the level of comfort one seeks and once they have scoped it out they often adapt to the particular need in question. See for them it’s more about creating an air of easy peace and the best way to do that is complete neutrality via adaptability. They often times remove all the traits associated with their sun sign and wear a veil, dare is say they become a spitting image of Jesus christ, suddenly they are able to collectively calm the crowd with little to no effort besides a few well placed personality augmentations to fit everyone's individual levels of comfort. They radiate a sadness, a deep sadness that is often glossed over with a false happiness, a ominously passive good natured state of passivity as to not allude to the rather turbulent well of waves and storms going on behind the scenes. Sleeping and a constant state of tiredness often plagues these natives, their energy often always seems half full even if they got a days full of sleep. They never truly feel at 100% which can at times give off a irritable or tired vibe to them. They tend to handle stress well but at the same time they usually can only do one emotion at a time, meaning that much of their inner feelings get compartmentalized into manageable spaces as to not cause them any issue. they like love, but they don’t have boundaries necessary to differentiate being used from being loved. at times they can purposely seek out bad things for them in order to feel needed but in reality they are ensuring that they never really feel happy because deep down they feel it is their fate to take on someone else baggage. They tend to be terrified of good people, stable people, as they represent a missing aspect within themselves. they often push away the good ones in favor of the bad ones because ultimately choosing to be with someone who actually cares about them means they would have to learn to care about themselves which is often something they are not ready to do. Self love is the fear for these natives as it involves uncluttering their inner psyche which is already damaged beyond what they think they can even repair. The struggle here is often do i love me Vs should i even love me? they often times view self love as selfish and deem it as an unnecessary virtue but at the same time they view it as a needed acceptance. hating themselves and self punishment is an easy go to for them because it removes accountability but in the end it always comes back and leaves a wave of carnage in it’s wake. much like Jesus these natives are sacrificing, enduring and deeply of strong faith in humanity but.. humanity always makes endless wounds, and scars in these natives..as they often get to see the worst sides of human nature as they grow mistaking their numbness for compassion. In reality they are kind and loving but this is often a defense mechanism rather than a state of just being. 

Hope you guys enjoy! 

[rebelontheroad]

MICHELLE OBAMA FULL SPEECH (Dem Convention)

«Good evening, everyone. It’s a hard time, and everyone’s feeling it in different ways. And I know a lot of folks are reluctant to tune into a political convention right now or to politics in general. Believe me, I get that. But I am here tonight because I love this country with all my heart, and it pains me to see so many people hurting.

I’ve met so many of you. I’ve heard your stories. And through you, I have seen this country’s promise. And thanks to so many who came before me, thanks to their toil and sweat and blood, I’ve been able to live that promise myself.

That’s the story of America. All those folks who sacrificed and overcame so much in their own times because they wanted something more, something better for their kids.

There’s a lot of beauty in that story. There’s a lot of pain in it, too, a lot of struggle and injustice and work left to do. And who we choose as our president in this election will determine whether or not we honor that struggle and chip away at that injustice and keep alive the very possibility of finishing that work.

I am one of a handful of people living today who have seen firsthand the immense weight and awesome power of the presidency. And let me once again tell you this: The job is hard. It requires clearheaded judgment, a mastery of complex and competing issues, a devotion to facts and history, a moral compass, and an ability to listen — and an abiding belief that each of the 330,000,000 lives in this country has meaning and worth.

A president’s words have the power to move markets. They can start wars or broker peace. They can summon our better angels or awaken our worst instincts. You simply cannot fake your way through this job.

As I’ve said before, being president doesn’t change who you are; it reveals who you are. Well, a presidential election can reveal who we are, too. And four years ago, too many people chose to believe that their votes didn’t matter. Maybe they were fed up. Maybe they thought the outcome wouldn’t be close. Maybe the barriers felt too steep. Whatever the reason, in the end, those choices sent someone to the Oval Office who lost the national popular vote by nearly 3,000,000 votes.

In one of the states that determined the outcome, the winning margin averaged out to just two votes per precinct — two votes. And we’ve all been living with the consequences.

When my husband left office with Joe Biden at his side, we had a record-breaking stretch of job creation. We’d secured the right to health care for 20,000,000 people. We were respected around the world, rallying our allies to confront climate change. And our leaders had worked hand-in-hand with scientists to help prevent an Ebola outbreak from becoming a global pandemic.

Four years later, the state of this nation is very different. More than 150,000 people have died, and our economy is in shambles because of a virus that this president downplayed for too long. It has left millions of people jobless. Too many have lost their health care; too many are struggling to take care of basic necessities like food and rent; too many communities have been left in the lurch to grapple with whether and how to open our schools safely. Internationally, we’ve turned our back, not just on agreements forged by my husband, but on alliances championed by presidents like Reagan and Eisenhower.

And here at home, as George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and a never-ending list of innocent people of color continue to be murdered, stating the simple fact that a Black life matters is still met with derision from the nation’s highest office.

Because whenever we look to this White House for some leadership or consolation or any semblance of steadiness, what we get instead is chaos, division, and a total and utter lack of empathy.

Empathy: that’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. The ability to walk in someone else’s shoes; the recognition that someone else’s experience has value, too. Most of us practice this without a second thought. If we see someone suffering or struggling, we don’t stand in judgment. We reach out because, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” It is not a hard concept to grasp. It’s what we teach our children.

And like so many of you, Barack and I have tried our best to instill in our girls a strong moral foundation to carry forward the values that our parents and grandparents poured into us. But right now, kids in this country are seeing what happens when we stop requiring empathy of one another. They’re looking around wondering if we’ve been lying to them this whole time about who we are and what we truly value.

They see people shouting in grocery stores, unwilling to wear a mask to keep us all safe. They see people calling the police on folks minding their own business just because of the color of their skin. They see an entitlement that says only certain people belong here, that greed is good, and winning is everything because as long as you come out on top, it doesn’t matter what happens to everyone else. And they see what happens when that lack of empathy is ginned up into outright disdain.

They see our leaders labeling fellow citizens enemies of the state while emboldening torch-bearing white supremacists. They watch in horror as children are torn from their families and thrown into cages, and pepper spray and rubber bullets are used on peaceful protesters for a photo op.

Sadly, this is the America that is on display for the next generation. A nation that’s underperforming not simply on matters of policy but on matters of character. And that’s not just disappointing; it’s downright infuriating, because I know the goodness and the grace that is out there in households and neighborhoods all across this nation.

And I know that regardless of our race, age, religion, or politics, when we close out the noise and the fear and truly open our hearts, we know that what’s going on in this country is just not right. This is not who we want to be.

So what do we do now? What’s our strategy? Over the past four years, a lot of people have asked me, “When others are going so low, does going high still really work?” My answer: going high is the only thing that works, because when we go low, when we use those same tactics of degrading and dehumanizing others, we just become part of the ugly noise that’s drowning out everything else. We degrade ourselves. We degrade the very causes for which we fight.

But let’s be clear: going high does not mean putting on a smile and saying nice things when confronted by viciousness and cruelty. Going high means taking the harder path. It means scraping and clawing our way to that mountain top. Going high means standing fierce against hatred while remembering that we are one nation under God, and if we want to survive, we’ve got to find a way to live together and work together across our differences.

And going high means unlocking the shackles of lies and mistrust with the only thing that can truly set us free: the cold, hard truth.

So let me be as honest and clear as I possibly can. Donald Trump is the wrong president for our country. He has had more than enough time to prove that he can do the job, but he is clearly in over his head. He cannot meet this moment. He simply cannot be who we need him to be for us. It is what it is.

Now, I understand that my message won’t be heard by some people. We live in a nation that is deeply divided, and I am a Black woman speaking at the Democratic Convention. But enough of you know me by now. You know that I tell you exactly what I’m feeling. You know I hate politics. But you also know that I care about this nation. You know how much I care about all of our children.

So if you take one thing from my words tonight, it is this: if you think things cannot possibly get worse, trust me, they can; and they will if we don’t make a change in this election. If we have any hope of ending this chaos, we have got to vote for Joe Biden like our lives depend on it.

I know Joe. He is a profoundly decent man, guided by faith. He was a terrific vice president. He knows what it takes to rescue an economy, beat back a pandemic, and lead our country. And he listens. He will tell the truth and trust science. He will make smart plans and manage a good team. And he will govern as someone who’s lived a life that the rest of us can recognize.

When he was a kid, Joe’s father lost his job. When he was a young senator, Joe lost his wife and his baby daughter. And when he was vice president, he lost his beloved son. So Joe knows the anguish of sitting at a table with an empty chair, which is why he gives his time so freely to grieving parents. Joe knows what it’s like to struggle, which is why he gives his personal phone number to kids overcoming a stutter of their own.

His life is a testament to getting back up, and he is going to channel that same grit and passion to pick us all up, to help us heal and guide us forward.

Now, Joe is not perfect. And he’d be the first to tell you that. But there is no perfect candidate, no perfect president. And his ability to learn and grow — we find in that the kind of humility and maturity that so many of us yearn for right now. Because Joe Biden has served this nation his entire life without ever losing sight of who he is; but more than that, he has never lost sight of who we are, all of us.

Joe Biden wants all of our kids to go to a good school, see a doctor when they’re sick, live on a healthy planet. And he’s got plans to make all of that happen. Joe Biden wants all of our kids, no matter what they look like, to be able to walk out the door without worrying about being harassed or arrested or killed. He wants all of our kids to be able to go to a movie or a math class without being afraid of getting shot. He wants all our kids to grow up with leaders who won’t just serve themselves and their wealthy peers but will provide a safety net for people facing hard times.

And if we want a chance to pursue any of these goals, any of these most basic requirements for a functioning society, we have to vote for Joe Biden in numbers that cannot be ignored. Because right now, folks who know they cannot win fair and square at the ballot box are doing everything they can to stop us from voting. They’re closing down polling places in minority neighborhoods. They’re purging voter rolls. They’re sending people out to intimidate voters, and they’re lying about the security of our ballots. These tactics are not new.

But this is not the time to withhold our votes in protest or play games with candidates who have no chance of winning. We have got to vote like we did in 2008 and 2012. We’ve got to show up with the same level of passion and hope for Joe Biden. We’ve got to vote early, in person if we can. We’ve got to request our mail-in ballots right now, tonight, and send them back immediately and follow-up to make sure they’re received. And then, make sure our friends and families do the same.

We have got to grab our comfortable shoes, put on our masks, pack a brown bag dinner and maybe breakfast too, because we’ve got to be willing to stand in line all night if we have to.

Look, we have already sacrificed so much this year. So many of you are already going that extra mile. Even when you’re exhausted, you’re mustering up unimaginable courage to put on those scrubs and give our loved ones a fighting chance. Even when you’re anxious, you’re delivering those packages, stocking those shelves, and doing all that essential work so that all of us can keep moving forward.

Even when it all feels so overwhelming, working parents are somehow piecing it all together without child care. Teachers are getting creative so that our kids can still learn and grow. Our young people are desperately fighting to pursue their dreams.

And when the horrors of systemic racism shook our country and our consciences, millions of Americans of every age, every background rose up to march for each other, crying out for justice and progress.

This is who we still are: compassionate, resilient, decent people whose fortunes are bound up with one another. And it is well past time for our leaders to once again reflect our truth.

So, it is up to us to add our voices and our votes to the course of history, echoing heroes like John Lewis who said, “When you see something that is not right, you must say something. You must do something.” That is the truest form of empathy: not just feeling, but doing; not just for ourselves or our kids, but for everyone, for all our kids.

And if we want to keep the possibility of progress alive in our time, if we want to be able to look our children in the eye after this election, we have got to reassert our place in American history. And we have got to do everything we can to elect my friend, Joe Biden, as the next president of the United States.

Thank you all. God bless.»

Michelle Obama

[katsidhe]

15.20 Final Thoughts

Supernatural is over, and somehow, despite itself, it did the very best it could to please me. That was always going to be an impossible task. But truly, sincerely, that finale was as close to my desires as the show could ever bring itself to come, and so, so much closer than I ever dreamed it would dare.

I am so, so glad that no other regular characters were involved (Bobby aside, but he was brief). How better to encapsulate their own emptiness? How fundamentally fitting, than in the epilogue to their final battle, wherein the entire world beyond them was erased, the wider universe is merely set dressing for them to move through. And it was so quiet this way. This finale wasn’t overcrowded or rushed. It kept its own peace. And it preserved the tangible claustrophobia that 15.19 invoked: that tangled, lovely, solipsistic, toxic conviction that these are the only two people on earth that matter.

It’s unclear exactly how much time passed between 15.19 and 15.20. I like to think it’s been at least a year, given that they’ve settled into routine and that their grief seems less fresh. (Although yes, the concept of Dean dying on his very first hunt without a resurrection available is hilarious, I must confess.) Their calm domesticity, their peace, was lovely to watch (Sam kicking the laundry machine! Sam with wet hair! Sam running! Sam cooking, Sam looking a little less bulky than usual, and happy!) But man, it really is Dean’s world, isn’t it? Even the DOG, which really, really, really could reasonably have been primarily Sam’s, was Dean’s dog first and foremost. Then on Dean’s say-so, they get in Dean’s car to drive to a pie festival for Dean. Sam is perfectly content to go along with all of it.

As if we hadn’t gotten enough delightful fanservice, we also got one last scene of Sam threatening to torture someone to death. :) what a king.

I love that Dean died to an OSHA violation while fighting a random loose end from season 1 (which, by the way, I CALLED IT, I am so proud of myself). It’s perfectly mundane. I truly and deeply do not understand anyone complaining that Dean should have gone out in a way that’s more epic. He’s been there, done that, guys, and remember how miserable it was? Now there’s no cosmic safety net. Dean died in a broken down old barn, saving some kids. Moments like these are when Dean is at his best, at his most fundamentally sympathetic: when he’s not trying to control the shape of the universe or dictate righteousness or let his anger drive himself down into a destructive spiral. He’s just putting his money where his mouth is. He’s not making a broad moral statement. He’s simply putting his life on the line to defend someone who needs defending. It is not an unworthy end. It’s so much better than going out to, god forbid, God.

Did Dean earn a lifetime of peace? The concept of just desserts is fraught. But I also don’t think it’s something Dean wanted. He wanted to keep killing things in tetanus-infested barns until he died. He got what he wanted. And while the arc of his wants has adapted over the years, MOTW hunting is fulfilling for him.

Dean’s deathbed speech was, oh man. It got me good. Like many of the things I loved in this episode, it was quiet. No desperation, no revising history (or not too much, anyway). Just, “stay with me, please. I love you. Tell me it’s okay.”

The quiet of Sam’s grief, alone in the bunker. How still his face is, until for a little bit it crumples again, and then it comes back and goes still. He’s not trying to control his reactions or press back against his sorrow. There is no work to do, nothing to avenge, no one to find, nothing to defeat. He is alone, and the washes of visible grief simply come and go in waves that he doesn’t try to fight or force.

I need the gif of him flinching at the toaster. His startle reactions are my favorite thing. He’s alone underground, there is not a living soul for miles and miles, he’s just buried his brother, not for the first time, but this time, he knows, for the last. And the goddamn toaster goes off and he cannot control the way his heart leaps up into his throat and the way every one of his muscles tightens.

Sam grows old. Sam. Grows old. Sam grows old! SAM GROWS OLD.

Ohhh my God, Sam grows old. Without Dean! Without hunting! Without Cas! With people outside that claustrophobic world, beyond the four tight walls of SPN, beyond the people approved by Dean and by Fandom, who give him peace and love and fulfillment! SAM GOT OUT. Even with the truly terrible wig the image brings me to actual tears. I cannot believe SPN would allow him to have this. I cannot believe that the show let him be happy without Dean. I want to read the set of novelizations about Sam’s recovery.

Of course this was the only way for Sam to get unwound, and of course it had to happen offscreen in flashes. Thank god for the ambiguity. There’s so much potential there, years and years, we were simply told: and at some point Sam’s life gets better, at some point his mental health improves and he feels safe enough to start a family, with someone, and at some point he has a child, and he dies peacefully, he dies loved and with people who love him, and dammit I’m getting weepy again.

Sam quit hunting. Not in a sudden jolt. We see him leaving the bunker on another job. But when he leaves the bunker, he leaves for good. He has so much knowledge, but he does not preserve the Men of Letters. He does not honor their legacy of extermination and experimentation. Maybe he gives someone else the keys, for the books. Or maybe he’s digitized it all, and maybe it’s done.

Maybe his wife is Eileen, or maybe it’s Amelia, or maybe it’s Piper or Cara or maybe it’s someone new. Maybe it’s not even a woman. And maybe she’s a hunter, but I hope she isn’t, and when Sam tells her, haltingly, in fits and starts, the bare outline of the truth, she looks at him and she believes him. And she understands the shape of the trauma he carries, even if Sam can’t quite speak the details, and maybe Sam goes to therapy. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he wakes in pain and fear for many years, but over time, it dulls.

Sam’s son is still a young man when Sam is on his deathbed, probably in at least his eighties. Think about the mountain Sam had to climb to reach that point. How many years and years of work did it take before Sam felt safe enough to want a child? How long for him to gently conquer his terror at the legacy his blood might carry: Lucifer and Azazel are dead, he knows this, but how long before he lets himself believe it enough to permit the risk? And then he raises his child, not in fear and loneliness, but with love and support and care. And he makes sure his son is protected, that he knows to salt his thresholds and ward against demons, but his son will not suffer the way he suffered.

Maybe he untangles his thoughts about Dean, maybe he learns that to feel angry with his brother is not to betray him or to dishonor his memory, maybe he comes to a more complex understanding of their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he simply enshrines Dean, and Dean’s memory becomes ever more golden and untarnished, and the Impala becomes truly an altar. The details of how Sam carries Dean with him—the watch, the car, the absurdly large photos, his son’s name—perhaps these are played straight, and perhaps Sam never finds a more nuanced love. In the meta sense I think we are certainly meant to think this. We are meant to see Dean deified here, canonized into a saint. We are meant to view Sam’s fifty more years of life as worship, as a dedication and an offering.

This is the long shadow of the finale. These are the things untouched by necessity and by design: this is Dean’s apology in 15.18, this is Sam not wanting an apology, and not wanting to hear Dean offer one. This difficult work was always and inevitably going to be elided. But there is so much time, decades and decades, offscreen, for Sam to come to a quieter peace.

I think he can do it.

I think Sam can do anything.

I’m crying again.

I really didn’t think I would cry much about the finale. I thought I would cry at the concept of the show ending, but not at what the ending was. I didn’t think any details would actually affect me. But then Sam got old. I am truly and genuinely hung up on the canonical image of Sam finding peace. Good god. He had GLASSES. Help.

My chief complaint (aside from that absolutely awful Carry On cover, why oh why, they should have just played the original again), if I felt at all like complaining at the moment, would be how happy this ending is. But I can’t begrudge Sam that. I can’t even get too mad at the scene that I was SO SURE I would despise: that of Sam and Dean content in a Heaven that is now apparently Great, Actually (even though a prison dimension with an open floor plan is still a prison dimension, but hey, I guess we humans can’t leave earth either). Supernatural clearly wanted Sam and Dean to not be facing down an abyssally bleak afterlife, and I think I’d be complaining about the lack of bleakness a whole lot more if it didn’t have the (perhaps unintended??) side effect of giving Sam even more freedom from Dean than SPN already deigned to give him. Sam isn’t in a shared cell with Dean. He can be with his friends and his wife and his son.

One of the fundamental questions of SPN is, would Dean ever let Sam go? And it’s a question that the bulk of s13-15 has rendered moot with Sam’s growing passivity, and one that 15.20 neatly dodged. And I’m glad it did, because I wouldn’t have liked whatever 15.20 had to say on the matter. This deflection feels true to the spirit of what the show has become.

It was impossible for Sam to find peace while Dean was still alive. And on its own that kind of says everything, doesn’t it? And Sam is still forever denied the peace he truly longed for. Sam didn’t want death to force Dean’s hand. Sam wanted Dean to want to let him go. But the only way Sam and Dean could heal is apart. The potential of their relationship on earth becoming untangled is forever precluded, explictly. And yet Sam’s freedom is validated, Sam is allowed what he sought in season 1 and season 8, Sam is something beyond a hunter and Dean’s brother, and the show let him be, the show let him grow.

Supernatural said Sam Rights, and the world shook.

[yandere-daydreams]

hello yes i am a basic bitch when it comes to obey me and i would sell part of my soul for anything mammon. i just... love him. thank u

What an unfortunate choice of phrasing! Otome refuses to tell me all those sweet, sweet world-building details about pacts and magic and such, so I will continue making up the rules as I see fit until the Shall We Date Gods descend to personally correct me. Assume this Darling is just a normal human, too, rather than the MC. We all need a little witchcraft, sometimes.

Title: An Agreement.

TW: Blood, Blasphemy and Non-Graphic Violence. 

~

“I want a safety net.”

It was one of those phrases that sounded better in your head than it did out loud. You’d been repeating it to yourself all day, all week, the wording changing from time to time, but never straying from the soul of the statement. You’d liked the ring of it, how simple it seemed and how general it was, and yet, you couldn’t help but cringe as Mammon raised an eyebrow, your focus reflexively dropping from his face to one of the many, many candles littered around your apartment’s bedroom. The ritual hadn’t forbid normal lights or included anything about the pentagram your demonic guest was currently standing on, but they’d felt right, a few hours ago. Now, it just felt like you were a teenager telling ghost-stories at a sleepover, a flashlight still clutched in one hand.

It was a sleepover Mammon had chosen to attend, though.

His presence alone was enough to spur you on.

“You’ll have to be more specific, sweetheart.” His voice was steady, unfaltering. You had a feeling he wanted to draw this out much longer than you cared to. “I don’t deal in ‘safety nets’.”

“You know what I mean,” You mumbled, attempting to keep your tone as authoritative as his. It felt over-dramatic, too ominous to be taken seriously, and you tried to make up for your weakness by pushing yourself to your feet as you continued. “I don’t want to worry about money. I’ve spent too much time thinking about that kind of thing already, and I can’t afford basic maintenance to be an obstacle.” You paused, for a moment, crossing your arms. The last thing you wanted to come off as was unsure. “I need insurance.”

“Ah, the human can’t take care of itself?” He didn’t try to hide his mocking lilt, an unsubtle drawl that undeniably meant your greatest wish was little more than child’s play to the demon. You could only be thankful that ‘painfully doable’ was better than ‘impossible’. “I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been watching your kind for thousands of years, and every one of ‘em is more breakable than the last. ‘s not my problem, though. What do I get out of it?”

You swallowed, dryly. “My soul.”

Mammon didn’t argue. He stared, scanning over your still form and taking in what there was to take in, his dissatisfaction obvious in everything from his shifting, disgruntled posture to the scowl pressed into his lips, downturned and disapproving. But, your offer was accepted with a curt nod, and stiffly, you stuck out a hand, the action much less composed than you’d hoped for it to be. Mammon took a second to evaluate the offer, a low chuckling rolling from his lips as he finished. You didn’t have to guess which conclusion he reached, not when he was so quick to declare it. “That ain’t gonna cut it.”

Before you could ask what he meant, a taloned fist was clamped around your wrist, jerking you forward and letting you stumble into his outstretched arms as he pulled you into his chest, pinning you against him, his mouth crashing into yours. The gesture wasn’t prim or professional, it was rough, violent, fangs tearing into your lower lip and creating a jagged, bloody line, its metallic taste following a second later. He dropped your wrist in favor of entangling his fingers in your hair, only pulling back to add his own donation, a hole soon punctured in the side of his tongue and his warm, black blood left to mix with yours, the congealed combination soon dripping from the unattended corner of your mouth. Mammon grunted, the wordless noise further stifled by your proximity, or lack thereof, rather, and without warning, a warmth filled your chest, then drained all-too-abruptly. An awareness, then the realization that something that belonged to you no longer did. An absence of something that couldn’t be absent.

You were aware that there’d be side-effects, and yet, you weren’t prepared when your knees began to buckle, when an exhaustion too cold and too thorough took the place of what you’d lost, leaving you too tired to tolerate Mammon and the bitterness now coating your tongue. He seemed more than content to go on, but with a shove to his chest and a heel driven into his foot, his face was buried in the crook of your neck, biting at the skin of your collarbone, attacking it. “Stop,” You demanded, although it came out more like a particularly passionate suggestion. “You’ve gotten your part, now I want mine. I don’t care how you do it, as long as I--”

“As long as you’re safe, and happy, and you get to sit on your lazy ass all day without starving to death.” You felt your shoulders square, your body go tense, but Mammon was grinning before you could deny it, your candles suddenly not nearly enough to keep the room from darkening. “I’ve been around your kind enough to know that, I’ve been watching you long enough to know that. I’m not the brightest, but I can catch your drift.” His back straightened, Mammon rising to his full height for the first time since you summoned him. He let go of your hair, but you didn’t dare struggle. Not when he suddenly seemed so much bigger than you. “Aw, the poor thing’s scared, isn't it? Tell me, which one’s worse? Worrying about a little trouble further down the line, or the big, bad demon you called to ease your mind?”

“That’s not your place to ask.” You winced as a pair of pointed canines tore through flesh and muscle, rooting themselves below your jugular before pulling themselves free, the latter bringing tears to your eyes. The pain was hot, spiking and searing throughout the process, but if Mammon cared, he didn’t feel the need to show it, only moving on to search for his next target as you went on. “We had an agreement. You don’t get to tell me what I want.”

“An agreement…” He muttered, his smirk pressing into your neck. “Don’t worry about that, baby. I’m gonna take real good care of you, once I’m done here.”

It didn’t take a genius to understand what he was saying, and you reacted appropriately, kicking and clawing and moving to yell, before anything you could’ve said was silenced by a breathy, unabashed laugh, as self-satisfied as it was insidious. “Where?” You spat, if only to hear something besides Mammon. “I want to know where I’m going, or I’m not taking a step.

Mammon only smiled, squeezing your hip playfully. You shuddered, but he couldn’t have cared if he tried.

“We’re going home.”

[timemachineyeah]

Some rando on the internet: I was abducted by aliens

Me: no you weren’t but god I wish you were, please tell me all about it

Another rando on the internet: the aliens are gonna make themselves public on this date

Me: no they won’t because they aren’t here but I’m still gonna remember that date whether I want to or not

My therapist if I was still in therapy probably: so where do you think the fascination comes from...?

Me: listen I was raised believing one day a magical all loving man would come down from the sky and instantly heal all our illnesses and throw us into a utopia and that even if that didn’t happen in my lifetime that when I died I could go to super heaven where I’d be able to ask any question and get an answer and I don’t believe that any more, I don’t believe anything like that any more, and I’m genuinely glad I don’t believe that any more because it’s not true and also believing it was really bad for me more than it was good for me, but maybe there’s a part of me that still wants it, still wants there to be someone stronger and smarter and kinder out there who can just fix it for us, just fix all my existential ailments in one go, and obviously stories of alien abduction do not really fit that model (and they definitely don’t stand up to the scrutiny that is appropriate to the scale of the claim) but if there were aliens capable of the kind of transportation needed to pop over a few galaxies to bother to the less developed species, that would imply the kind of technology that maybe could fix our problems if they were willing to share it, and while still deeply improbable, especially as presented in pop culture, it’s still more plausible than a single intercessory creator god. But are you asking if I know why I want it to be true or why I don’t believe it even when I want to? I don’t believe it because of the problem of motive, the problem of evidence, the problem of the vastness of space. You have to make so many suppositions that by the time you get to “sentient beings from outside our world intentionally visiting it to interact with us” you’ve gone full speculative and you might as well be talking about the fey. You might as well be talking about Narnia. Occam’s razor is gonna favor basically any other explanation. I know that! I know that! But it’s still so interesting, and there are so many possibilities, and I should just give up and write baldly self indulgent scifi fantasy stories at this point and pretend it’s deep like I’m old white dude in the 1960s and 1970s, but I don’t. Instead I read forums I never write in because everyone there is clearly either trolling or in need of their own therapist and I worry about becoming one of them. I don’t understand how anyone can speak with such certainty about things so incredibly unverifiable. I mean I want it to be true but also if I actually got to chat with some aliens in a spaceship I’d be more worried I was finally having my break with reality than convinced what I had wanted to believe in had actually happened. It’s the unknowable, man. It’s the lack of objective answers about reality and the inextricable messiness of solutions to human suffering. I want to know everything. I want to do everything. I want to fix everything. I will always be haunted by my frailty and fallibility and the inevitability of my own death. I want to believe there’s a safety net if we can’t save our future ourselves, despite all evidence to the contrary. Even when it seems like there’s no evidence of things getting better, I want miracles, a deus ex machina. If I can’t imagine a reasonable source of optimism I have to rely on the unreasonable at least long enough for reasonable sources to make themselves known. It is as irrational as I can allow myself to be. I find joy in the unknown instead of terror by placing an imaginary friend there, if not a god, an alien. But the difference is I no longer pretend to be right, I no longer assert the truth of my self-satisfying fantasy. I know how to tell fact from fiction now, and I can see what game I’m playing with myself even as I play it. But I try to make it a nice game and I don’t ask anyone to play it with me. It’s a magic trick and I’m both magician and audience. I both perform the slight of hand and feel the wonder at the trick at the same time as I feel the disillusionment of seeing how it’s done. I keep doing it though. Maybe this time, I think, it’ll be actual magic. Maybe this time.

[thebluenoteblog]

Rebound

Summary: You really didn't handle the break up well, that is after all, how you ended up in the bed of a member of the opposing team the night before a big game. What could possible go wrong (spoiler: a lot).

Player: Colton Parayko

Word Count: 2500

Warnings: Drunk one night stand and cursing. 

***Tyler Seguin is sort of the bad guy in this fic. I have nothing against him. I’ve written many fics about him. I just wanted to play on a central devision rivalry and this is an old fic. At the time he was the only player on one of those teams that I knew enough about to write without having to google anything. I did not mean to offend anyone and I would like to clarify that this is just a story and I do not think that he would actually do this in real life.***

You tossed back yet another shot, knowing somewhere in the recesses of your fuzzy brain that you really shouldn’t. You should have stopped three drinks ago. You should have stopped the first time you almost fell off your barstool. The bartender should have cut you off. But none of that happened. Instead you pursed your lips at the burn in the back of your throat as the liquor ran down it for the umpteenth time that night.

Your phone was dead, and you had no idea how you were getting back to the hotel, at this point you didn’t care. It had been so long since you had seen Colton outside of work and you were broken. You couldn’t remember how to function. Going to work every day, taking pictures of the boys for the social media accounts, seeing him on the ice, on the plane, and not being able to touch him or talk to him… everyone knowing that things ended… you couldn’t do it anymore.

You were days away from checking yourself into the hospital. For your liver’s safety and your own. If you were in the hospital though, you lost all of your crutches, liquor and rebounds, and you couldn’t call Colton at five in the morning and pray that he would answer.

He usually did, because that was the kind of man that Colton was. He wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything important. Someday he would stop answering. That thought had you ordering another drink.

“Let me buy that for you?” A voice asked from behind you, you turned your head and stumbled a little. A hand reached out and steadied you, landing on your back. “Careful,” He laughed.

Bingo, you found a ride home. And a crutch for the night. He was cute. Tall. Not as tall as Colton by any meaning of the word, but that was good. You didn’t want that. He didn’t look anything like Colton. That was exactly what you needed. He looked oddly familiar, but you were too far gone to place it. “Sure,” you said.

“You aren’t from Dallas, are you?” He asked, taking in your faded blues t-shirt.

You shook your head as he sat down, and you closed your eyes, the motion making your head spin, “No, I’m from St. Louis. Just visiting for a couple days.” Your words were barely slurred, and you were surprised that you were stringing that many together coherently. You must be spending too much time drunk. Your poor liver.

The bartender delivered your shot and it was gone in a second. You made the same face you’d made before, he was smiling at you when you opened your eyes. He handed the bartender a card, “Cover her tab,” he said.

“You don’t have to do that,” you said, making a sound of protest.

He waved a hand, “Its nothing.”

“You underestimate how much I’ve had to drink,” you responded.

He shrugged, “Like I said, it’s nothing.”

The two of you talked for a little while, you avoided what you were doing in Dallas and he didn’t mention what he did for a living. Eventually, you said, “Do you want to get out of here?” your head was still fuzzy but you were starting to sober up a bit and you were pretty sure that you could walk by that point.

“Fuck yes,” he said, and he placed his hand on your back as he showed you to his car.

****************

You woke up the next morning to an alarm going off, naked, in the bed of a strange man. You snapped your eyes open and were immediately thankful that you were mostly immune to hangovers. You jerked up in bed and noticed the naked form of Tyler fucking Seguin lying next to you. This was a new low. Even for you. As the social media manager for the Blues, you couldn’t be hooking up with the Alternate captain of the Dallas Stars. It just wasn’t something that would fly if anyone found out.

Besides the fact that they were playing tonight, and you didn’t want to think about all the chirping that would occur if Seguin found out you were Colton’s ex-girlfriend. It was a nightmare waiting to happen. Thank god neither of them were fighters. Not that you would expect Colton to pick a fight over you after all of his insisting that he didn’t care about you, but it was a pride thing.

If everyone heard a guy say he fucked your girl the night before, and he was clearly serious, even if it was your ex-girl, you were all but contractually obligated to hit him. It was like in the unwritten rules of hockey.

You jumped out of bed and began gathering your clothes, praying that Seguin was a heavy sleeper and you would get out of the room before he woke up to the sound of the alarm. Unfortunately, that mission was a failure. He wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you back onto the bed. “No round two?” He asked, “No good morning kiss?”

You hesitated, then decided that this would be a good time to come as close to clean as you could without endangering lives. “I’m in Dallas because I’m the Blues social media manager. I was to drunk last night to realize who you were and now that I know, I can’t sleep with you in good conscience,” you paused as a look of understanding dawned on his face, “They would run me out of my office with torches and pitchforks if they found out.”

Seguin released you and backed up, “Jesus, I didn’t realize you were that drunk.”

You nodded as you pulled your shirt over your head, “Well, this was fun. Don’t mention it to anyone. And I mean anyone.”

“What, do you think they’ll fire you over it or something?” He asked, leaning back against his headboard, not seeming to care that he was barely covered by a thin sheet, “You’re a big girl. I’m sure they understand that you have needs.”

“And they expect me not to meet them with the opposing team the night before a big game on a road trip,” you said, covering your tracks, “I have to go, I’m supposed to get pictures of morning skate for the accounts.”

He shrugged, “Whatever you say.”

************

Colton had a shit night. He hadn’t slept worth a damn. He’d laid in bed and stared at his phone, waiting for your five am call that usually came but sometimes didn’t. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what happened on the nights that your calls didn’t come. He was always an emotional mess the next day, but he played his best. Big aggressive hits and hard shots that tore the net and shattered the glass. He’d accidentally hit Binner so hard in the mask with a puck one day at practice after you didn’t call that the poor guy had to sit out for a solid five minutes.

Today was bad though, because you were in Dallas, and what the fuck were you doing out in Dallas? Who were you with? Were you safe? All those thoughts raced through his head at twice the rate they normally did. You knew people back home. You had friends. He could convince himself that you were just busy with the girls. This was different.

He made his way down to morning skate and as all the guys entered the ice, he saw you standing at one of the Zamboni entrances. He was tempted to skate over to you and ask why you hadn’t called the previous night, but instead he just skated a circle around the rink, noticing when he did that you had a hickey on your neck. Mostly concealed by foundation and a jacket, something one would only notice if they were looking for it like he was. He ground his teeth on his mouth guard and focused his eyes forward.

***************

The puck dropped at seven o’clock and Seguin started a brawl at seven fifteen. It was between face-offs, they were just standing next to each other and he said, “So funny, I found out who runs your social media accounts.” He was met with a blank stare from Colton, so he continued, on a mission to throw the giant of a defensemen off his game. “Well anyway, I found her personal Instagram and it turns out the two of you used to be a couple!” He laughed “isn’t that funny? She hasn’t taken your pictures down yet, you know?”

By this point, they had started to draw a small crowd. The team knew how sensitive of a subject you were for Colton. If there was any way to get him to drop gloves, this just might be it. “Why is that funny?” Colton asked, going stiff. He thought back to the lack of a phone call and the hickey on your neck. No. You would never screw another hockey player. Not a Star. Not someone with a reputation like Seguin’s. You wouldn’t do that to him no matter how much he hurt you.

Still, the longer he stared down into Seguin’s eyes, the less he believed what he was telling himself.

“Well, it’s funny because I fucked her last night.” He said, a devious and amused look on his face.

Blood was pounding in Colton’s ears so loudly that he almost didn’t hear the next part of his statement.

“She’s a freak, but you already knew that didn’t you?”

A few things happened at once. First, the refs gave up on the face off upon hearing what Seguin said. Second, Colton threw his stick on the ground, shook off his gloves and pounced like a lion on a gazelle. He didn’t even wait for Seguin to drop his gloves first, though he did a second later, before the refs even made it over to break up the fight. All the stars were on Colton, trying to stop him and pull him off of Seguin who was definitely not a fighter and did not have size or anger on his side.

His teammates had his back though because they all grabbed a different guy and went to town. Within seconds they had a full-on line brawl and the refs were struggling to decide who to break up first. They both seemed slightly hesitant to mess with Colton who looked ready to murder and Seguin was now on the ice but still fighting back as much as he could when pinned to the ground. He was bleeding, his nose looked broken at the very least. Both refs grabbed a shoulder and pried Colton off of him.

Colton seemed to realize what he was doing and backed off. He stood up, raising to his full six-foot six height and looked over to where he knew you were standing, mouth agape and camera hanging limply by your side. He knew you would be pissed and confused. He hung his head, equally pissed at himself and skated off the ice, head hung, running a bloody knuckled hand through his hair as he headed straight to the locker room, leaving his equipment on the ice and not even waiting to be told that he was being called for a ten-minute misconduct. It was obvious. The trainers were already making their way to Seguin. Besides, his hands needed to be iced or they would be bruised too deep to move his fingers tomorrow.

****************

Colton was sitting on his couch staring at the wall, wondering how on earth he’d managed to avoid a suspension when he heard a knock on his door. He made his way across the house and pulled it open to revel you, standing out in the snow in nothing but a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. “Jesus (Y/N), you have to be freezing.” He said, pulling you inside and closing the door behind you.

You were shivering but he knew you would never admit to being cold. “I came to tell you you’re an idiot,” you said.

He paused and furrowed his bows. “You came all the way here to tell me that?”

“You got a game misconduct on your nearly pristine record because you let something some guy said about me get to you. You’re an idiot, you said, crossing your arms.

He pushed his lips together and took in a deep breath before responding, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re lucky you didn’t get suspended. Those refs went to bat for you. That and your reputation are the only thing that saved you.”

“I said I’m sorry okay!” He snapped, “It hurt!”

You looked taken aback, “What hurt?” You asked.

He sighed, “You being with someone else. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much.”

“You’re going to stand there and tell me you haven’t been with anyone in the last two months?” You asked him, your chin rising in defiance.

“Yes, (Y/N), because I can’t.” He said shaking his head. He took a step closer to you. All of the times that he’d wanted to touch you since the two of you had split crashing down on him and crushing his will power. “I still love you and it feels so wrong to look at anyone else.”

You sucked in a shaky breath, “You left me. You broke up with me.”

“It was the biggest mistake I ever made.” Colton said, finally bringing his hand up to rest on your cheek. “You don’t know how sorry I am.”

“What are you saying, Colt?” You asked, looking up into his eyes, ignoring the bruise on his jaw that made you unreasonably angry.

He swallowed roughly, “I’m asking you to forgive me (Y/N), I’m asking you to take me back.”

You blinked your eyes closed and a tear ran down your cheek. He swept it away with his large thumb. “I forgive you, Colt. I could never hold a grudge against you.”

“But?” He asked quietly.

“But… how will I ever trust that you won’t leave me again?”

He resisted the urge to pull you tight against him and press his lips against yours and prove to you in a thousand ways, just how dedicated he was to never leaving your side again. Instead he said, “Baby, if you take me back, I will do anything in the world to prove to you that I will never hurt you again. I’ll spend as much time with you as I can. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Anything. Just for you. Just please,” He said, dropping his head to meet your eyes as you opened them, “Give me another chance.”

You swallowed roughly and studied him. After a moment, you said, “You don’t have to take me anywhere. I just want you.”

This time, he didn’t stop himself. He pulled you into his arms and pressed his lips against yours, putting all the emotions that he had been suffering behind it.

[project-ohagi]

Dabi x Reader

Buy me a coffee!! <3

Greyromantic: Can experience romantic attraction, but weakly or infrequently; feeling alienated from romance; only feeling attraction in specific circumstances.

Asexual: Having little/no sexual attraction or interest in sexual activities.

Questioning: Process of exploration regarding gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity.

----

The phenomenon of love is a complex, chemical concoction that has long been weaved into the fabric of our society. It is presented as a requirement, with those who find the concept either too challenging to thoroughly comprehend, or lacking in appeal, branded as anomalies. In its pursuit of normality, it quickly alienated those whose hearts just couldn't conform. In a different society, one not quite so dominated by this 'normality' of romantic and sexual interests...you might be forgiven for your limited knowledge. But this one...it seems to blanch at the very idea that happiness can be attained in the absence of romantic attraction.

As such, those identifying along the Aromantic or Asexual spectrums are often overlooked - even shunned. But, the greatest truth of it all is a lot simpler than you may expect: an emotion as profound as joy cannot be induced solely by succumbing to carnal desires, or tasting the lips of another. No...it is through self-acceptance, and the acceptance from those for whom your heart beats - parents, siblings, friends...and perhaps in this manner, the meaning is amplified.

But...what happens when you are forced into complacency, into setting aside your own interests, to 'further evolution', or to 'finally be normal'?

You were still trying to figure this out.

Who were you...really? Why couldn't you summon an emotion as free and universal as love?...Romantic love? Why did it seem so incomprehensible, so...intangible? These were the thoughts you battled with, every waking moment. They burrowed deep into your mind, so that you could never pull them out. They were elusive, yet...constant, nagging.

Why am I so different? Everyone else has crushes...even Toga likes that one UA boy! Ah, yeah...she asked me if I have someone I love. I just said "No". Saying: "I don't even know what 'love' is" seems a bit...she'd definitely call me weird. Then the others would probably laugh at me...

You felt...incomplete, like a jigsaw puzzle with only half the pieces. You felt the isolation, suffocating you. It hadn't been a conscious decision. You didn't awaken one morning and think 'You know what? This whole 'love' thing? It just isn't for me! ' You craved a connection, a bond of some kind - holding hands...a hug at most. Anything more was frightening to imagine. What if someone...pressured you? Or stole a kiss, as an offhanded action? You couldn't bear it...not even the mere thought. It was likely the main contributor to your chronic anxiety and paranoia. Your treatment at the hands of society, the ridicule and the fear of phrases such as "It's just a phase!" or, "You need to find the right person!"...they fuelled the flickering spark of villainy in your eyes.

After all, outcasts and monsters are interchangeable to most common folk.

But you didn't want those labels. You were a lost lamb, wandering aimlessly - what you really needed was guidance...someone who would listen and advise, someone who would accept you and every burden you carried, without question or quandary. But you said nothing...so you got nothing in return. Dabi was the closest to a...a source of strength? Motivation?...Potential love interest? But...how would you ever truly know? How could you discern the romantic from the platonic? It seemed impossible - simply a waste of time. Still, you never fully resigned to this fate of...loneliness.

You wanted to cherish, and to be cherished.

You wanted to love, and to be loved.

Perhaps it was the unyielding voice of fear, of desperation and pain, but...you just didn't know! You didn't know...and, it was difficult. You studied Dabi's face, and while nothing immediately heated your cheeks, he wasn't...unattractive. Aha! Maybe that was love? Alas, you discovered it to be more aesthetic attraction. It was a little disappointing, but perseverance should've been the key, right...?

Why? Why do I feel so little? Dabi is there for me, right? So surely if anyone, I should love him!...Do I love him? How can I tell? Is there some sort of test? How would a test even be administered? What kind of questions would I have to answer? I don't think I could answer them, even with study. If I'm struggling so much now...

And anyway...Dabi was a dominant male, whose sexuality was unclear. Even if you managed to settle on a definition of 'love', and figure out what role it played in your life...there was no guarantee that Dabi would want you. The jury was still out, on your gender - 'questioning' was your placeholder for the moment. But, you usually dressed masculine...would he be okay with someone so indecisive? Someone who might be neither male nor female? And, what if...what if he wasn't the one?

Say I can find love, and I start to understand it...who's to say that the person I love will be Dabi? It could be anyone! Maybe they were right, and I just haven't met the right person...but, I kind of want it to be Dabi? Is that...bad? Oh god, it sounds so selfish! He'll just be tied down, and if we find out that I don't actually love him...what would he do? At the very least, he'd be angry...

Dabi...the more you recalled his honey-laced voice, all the flirting you failed to notice until it was pointed out (clearly, he was doing that in jest), and those blue eyes (steely from years on the run, that probably depleted the pools of guilt and regret often accompanying mass killings, thievery and other criminal acts), the more confusion festered. You just didn't understand! Was it love? Or was it conversion? Were you trying to become 'normal'? Well, as normal as a villain could be...? Or did Dabi really mean something...something greater than you believed? Something...beyond what you currently knew?

This journey of self-discovery had approached a torturous junction.

Why were relationships so sought after, so expected? Even you desired one. How else could you ever hope to form a deep bond, or receive that fabled 'feeling of ecstasy' from holding hands or hugging? If there was no romance, mainstream media would lead you to the conclusion that there isn't a 'proper' or 'deep enough' connection - there can't be. You wanted to experience these things with Dabi. No-one else. You couldn't explain why. He was...an unusual character, mysterious and with perhaps a similar level of complexity as the daunting questions you were asking yourself. But mentioning your plight to him simply wasn't an option. Villains were responsible for themselves; the League was nothing more than a safety net.

Besides, Dabi was heartless.

...Or so he liked to be portrayed.

Urghhh...why is this so complicated? How am I supposed to know if I love him? The signs are...increased heart rate and blood to the face, right...? That seems unhealthy...is that actually supposed to be a good thing??

"Hey, you stopped spacing out yet, (V/n)?"

Shit! No, no, no! I haven't finished spacing out!

Sheepishly, you turned in the direction of the voice. Why did Dabi always seem to materialise out of thin air, whenever you thought about him? Did you magic him here, by accident? Subconsciously? However you managed that...you hated it. Your existential crisis really didn't need a spectator. Break out the popcorn, why don't you?

Can't I have a break down in peace? Wait...am I even in my room?...Did I seriously question my entire existence right here in the bar? It's a good thing there's no-one else here...I don't need more people telling me that I'm crazy...

You sighed. "...Yeah."

His brows furrowed - this was unfamiliar territory. Helping people had never been his speciality, especially given his own trauma . But for you...it was certainly worth a shot. "What's up? You on your man-period or something?"

Off to a spectacularly dreadful start. "I - I don't know if I'm a man, though...how could I-"

"Relax, it was a joke. Your pronouns are they/them, right? I'm not gonna call you a man just for the sake of argument. Nah...Hey, scoot over." A for effort.

"You could sit literally anywhere else."

He smirked. "You gonna stop me, sweet-cheeks?"

Sweet...?

"Thought not. Anyway, what's going on? You've been all doom-and-gloom for the past...two hours." He motioned over to the clock.

Had you honestly spent so long in contemplation? Gods, you could've unlocked the secrets of the universe, but no. "I've...kinda been asking myself that."

"Oh?" It was obviously a prompt, but talk of your romantic inclination (or lack thereof) would likely be regarded in the realm of 'stupid' and 'childish', so...could really you trust him?

I've always been too nervous to take risks...Guess now's as good a time as any to change that.

You swallowed down the uncertainties, the anxiety and everything in-between. They didn't help - they only hindered. And...you did need to release this burden, that weighed you down so heavily.

"Um...it's - it's...confusing. Really...confusing. I guess, I simple terms: I don't know what 'love' is. I know it probably sounds really dumb to you, and I feel stupid for even saying it, but...I've never...never had a crush, never been in love. I don't...I don't feel anything romantic towards, well...anyone!"

"Not even a bit?" He asked, blank-faced.

"I - I don't know. I really want to, though. I'm just...I'm scared. There's always this underlying fear of...what if - what if someone forces me? Y'know? What if...I date someone, and they can't accept that I'm different...that I might never feel anything for them? I don't want to be lonely forever, Dabi! I want someone, I really do! I say I've never been in love, but...the truth is, I just don't know! I know that I don't need to kiss someone. That's what I...what I don't want, but...I - I still want to hold hands with someone! I'd still like a hug, every once in a while...I don't know what I'm doing, or really...who I am."

For a few moments, he was silent beside you, just drinking in the flood of information. He refrained from reaching out, or gazing too intently. It took time to settle on an appropriate response. "You're looking at it as an issue, though - something you've gotta resolve, before you can move on. I'm not the best with advice, trust me...but I can tell you that it's a journey. It'll continue and evolve, as long as it needs to. You'll...probably know when you're ready, or...something. All that sappy crap. You don't have to force yourself to understand it all now."

I'll know...?

"When I'm...ready?" You repeated, eyes tracing the lines on your palm.

"Yeah...probably."

Just before you lost all coherency, a single thought fluttered to the forefront of your mind: My heart...just...skipped a beat?!

[Word Count: 1775]

[jokertrap-ran]

(未定事件簿) EVENT!「致斯卡提的情诗」 [Tears of Themis] EVENT: A Love Poem to SKADI Translation (Chapter 1-01 奇怪邀约 : A Strange Invitation)

*Tears of Themis Masterlist / Mobile Masterlist *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut *The tracking tag for ALL Event Stories will go under: #Tears of an Event *(y/n) is your name when in direct referral; otherwise referred to as MC.

Location: Home

MC: Hm… So, you’re saying that you want me to go to Skadi Island with you?

Yao Yu: Yup! Please? You’re the only one who can help me!

The person on the other end of the line was Yao Yu, a friend that had been in the same Club as me back in University, who now works as an Editor for a Geographic Magazine Publisher.

She’d recently planned to write an article, a Travel Guide, on the popular Skadi Island.

Skadi Island was located at the junction where the North Atlantic and the Arctic Ocean met; the Island itself was home to many volcanoes, hot springs, and a large number of beaches along the coastline with black sand. The temperatures were moderate, and they had a strong culture related to elves. The island was also located within the Aurora Belt, so it was a place that was very popular with the younger people since the Auroras could be seen all throughout the area...

MC: But there are so many other sights to see on the Island… Why choose to go to a haunted place of all things…?

Yao Yu: Here’s what you don’t understand; articles of those scenic locations have already been repeatedly written god knows how many times now! But! How many articles have you seen that describe this island as haunted?

Yao Yu: I spent a great lot of effort getting this information out from a friend of mine, you know?

Yao Yu: It’s said that almost no one knows about this, apart from a few locals on Skadi Island.

Yao Yu: I’m sure the magazine’s sales will definitely increase again if this article gets released!

The place she was referring to be the abandoned mansion near the Golden Waterfalls.

Rumor has it that this mansion was the “Fiend’s Tomb”, where the “Malevolent Lord of Evil”, who had tried to destroy Skadi Island, was put down. Every time a Polar Night occurs, the “Malevolent Lord of Evil” would wander the mansion, dressed in all white, in search of a face.

It is said that your soul will be snatched away by him, if you accidentally approach this area during those nights.

Yao Yu: How about it? Can you really not consider it? I’ll foot all the expenses for this trip so long as you agree!

Yao Yu: All you have to do is to accompany me to that mansion and write a travel diary of your experience; that’s all!

Yao Yu: You get to travel abroad for a small holiday; all for free! Don’t you think it’s very worth the price?

MC: ……

Yao Yu: Please! Pretty please? This is my once-in-a-lifetime request!

MC: ...Fine...

Yao Yu: Thanks! I’ll end off here for today and let you know once I’ve arranged everything!

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆

Location: Vikya City

MC: …...

???: What’s the matter? Are you unhappy to have come here, to Skadi Island?

MC: It’s got nothing to do with the Island, per say. I'm just wondering why I'm so stupid…

Yao Yu had sent over a complete itinerary plan not too long after her call, to invite me on a trip, had ended.

But what I didn't expect was…

That Yao Yu would suddenly contact me, saying that she couldn't take the same away flight together with me because of work, on the day of the flight itself where I had arrived early at the airport.

She'd entrusted me to a friend of hers who was at Skadi Island, telling me that I could go check out the Mansion first; and to complete the travel diary that was part of the deal.

???: Hearing you say that makes this development… A little awkward.

The person in front of me was Johnny, Yao Yu's friend. He was the owner of a guesthouse and also operated a Bar of his own.

He seemed to have quite the reputation here, for there were always locals enthusiastically greeting him as we went along our merry way, ever since we'd entered Vikya City.

Mostly female locals, though.

Johnny: But really, you don't have to worry that much about it. Although the Manor of Hermes is deemed as something very strange by the outside world…

Johnny: It's still essentially just an abandoned house, so there isn't really anything to be scared of, apart from the dust.

MC: The Manor of Hermes? Is that the name of that Mansion?

Johnny: She didn’t tell you anything about these either?

MC: She told me that she'd explain in more detail when we were on the plane back then, so she'd only given me a simple explanation about the Mansion.

MC: I did do some homework before coming here, but any information on the Mansion here can't really be found online...

MC: And what should I do now…? I've come all the way here without her; and am completely clueless to boot.

Johnny: ……

Johnny: If that’s the case here, then I'll give the beautiful lady here two suggestions. Perhaps they may be of help to you.

MC: What do you suggest?

Johnny: Lady Yao Yu isn't here with you; and you know nothing about that Mansion.

Johnny: That means that if we take safety into consideration, you shouldn't be entering that Mansion rashly like that.

Johnny: If your job here is to compile and write a travel diary about the Mansion here, then...

Johnny: I can just tell you what's inside that Mansion; and I'm pretty good at telling stories, myself.

MC: So, you mean… You're familiar with that Mansion?

Johnny: In a sense, yes. But you'll have to pardon me, because I can't disclose much more about it.

MC: ...And your other suggestion is? You did say that you had two, right?

Johnny: The other suggestion is for you to enter the Mansion and explore its secrets, of course!

Johnny: Sit on the thought for a while; what do you want to do?

MC: …...

⊳Choice: Go myself

MC: I've decided; I think it'll be better for me to investigate it by myself.

Johnny: Why?

MC: How do I put this… Well, I mean this IS an article that might be published after all.

MC: So, I have to be responsible about the things I write.

MC: I mean, how will the travel diary I write have any element of persuasiveness to it, if I've never actually been to the place myself?

MC: Plus, Yao Yu's paying for this trip— Which means, I must treat this seriously!

Johnny: I'm glad that this was your choice

⊳Choice: Listen to Johnny’s stories

MC: Could I bother you to tell me about the stories of the Mansion?

Johnny: Of course; but are you sure about this?

Johnny: This is just my personal thoughts on this, but...

Johnny: There are some things in the world which are only more interesting if you explore them, and personally experience them yourself, no?

MC: You do have a point…

MC: And thinking about it, Yao Yu's sponsoring this trip of mine, so I have to be more serious and responsible about it.

MC: I think it'll be better to write the Travel Diary after I've actually been there myself.

MC: That's what I say, but I still know nothing about that Mansion… So just how am I to explore that place?

Johnny: Then how about asking around for information on it, for starters?

Johnny: Don't the people of your country often say that "Good Generals don't fight unprepared battles"?

MC: Where can I get more information? I can't find any on the net...

MC: If you told me everything right from the get-go, then it wouldn't be considered as me having explored anything at all.

Johnny: Alright, beautiful lady… Say, do you mind doing me a favor?

MC: What favor?

Johnny: I'm planning to hold a party at my Bar soon, and I'm still lacking in a couple of things to make that happen.

Johnny: So, it would be of great help to me if you could go to some of the surrounding Cities and pick them up for me.

MC: But what does this have anything to do with me exploring the Mansion?

Johnny: I'm not the only one here who knows something about that Mansion. They're scattered all over this Island, and they might even be located in the places you're going to be visiting.

Johnny: Observe the surroundings carefully enough, and you might just make an unexpected discovery!

☆⋅⋆…⋅───── ⋆⋅A Love Poem to SKADI⋅⋆ ────⋅…⋆⋅☆

Next Part: (Chapter 1-02: The weirdness intensifies)

[ambitionsource]

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

[the-roanoke-society]

now i have a story that i’d like to tell...

about this guy you all know him, he had me scared as hell! / he comes to me at night after i crawl into bed / he's burnt up like a weenie and his name is fred!

horror aus part trois. part one can be found here, and two, here. all warnings and disclaimers still apply--as does the love.

do you dare dare journey below the cut...?

it’s a long way down, a long way down - a holy hell au inspired by the creep series

there are stories are stories on stories on stories about matches made in heaven. about two pure souls destined for the other, finally reaching a ‘happily ever after’ after going through trials and tribulations that, honestly, are played out and boring.

that’s exactly what fergus macleod would tell you, anway.

he’s been inhabiting his mortal coil for a few decades now, engaging in his favorite activity--serial murder.

but lately, something has--gone out.

he’s lost his light. his passion for killing.

so he gets an idea, and puts out an ad for a videographer.

he’ll make a documentary, he decides. a magnum opus to relight the blood and the violence that had brought him so much joy over the years.

what he didn’t expect was andi.

not her beauty. not her courage. not her wit, sharp enough to make a god bleed.

and not her fangs, and a thirst to rival his--even if her moral compass was a bit more lawful.

enough of stories about matches made in heaven.

talk to me about a match made in hell.

(these--particular films are not easy watches, though i personally enjoy them. the sequel is my favorite, but remember when i said ‘explicit sexuality’ in the first warning post? the especially applies to creep 2. when i imagined this au it was less in-line with the main narrative of the movies and more, say, a meet-cute story you’d overhear at an addams’ family function.)

mini soundtrack sampler includes: lovelytheband, ‘buzz cut’ + catfish & the bottlemen, ‘longshot’ + albert natural, ‘sara loves her juicy fruit’

red sun rises like an early warning - an ancient cares au inspired by sleepy hollow

sleepy hollow was often called a “sleepy” village, in the way that meant that nothing ever happened there. marie van tassel, daughter of the richest man in town--and immediately intrigued by the arrival of one police constable walter vaughn, sent all the way from new york city--would disagree. especially in recent years.

the headless horseman had returned.

and marie, for all the occult studying she’d done far from the gaze of her father’s watchful eyes, still so haunted after her mother’s brutal and untimely passing--couldn’t figure out why.

she knew exactly who he was. what he was. but why had he returned? what had woken him?

and could see really be that mournful, when it had sprung start the machinations of fate that brought walter right to her doorstep?

“i have shed my tears for boom... and yet my heart is not broken. do you think me wicked?”

“no... but perhaps there is a little bit of witch in you, marie.”

“walter, why do you say that?”

“because you have bewitched me.”

mini soundtrack sampler includes: frank sinatra, ‘witchcraft’ + creedence clearwater revival, ‘i put a spell on you’ + the rolling stones, ‘sympathy for the devil’

drunk and driven by a devil’s hunger - a safety nets au inspired by apostle, co-starring @agent-thorn​

it was only five years into the birth of an entirely new century, and her twin brother had been taken; her father, lost in his grief, was utterly useless.

it was all up to parker jensen.

she found a fake pass easy enough, slyly dancing her way through conversations with began with “you know, i don’t remember seeing you at any of the prayer meetings...” until finally, finally, they reached that accursed island.

she’d never been to wales before.

she had no idea what to expect.

what are you supposed to expect, when you’re all alone on a solo rescue mission going toe-to-toe with what can only be described as a cult?

but ivar--son of the enigmatic priest of the island, malcolm--was a nice surprise.

the only nice surprise that she’d find.

it wasn’t until she caught jeremy, sneaking home after what she could only guess had something to do with ffion, that she got her first flash of what would be a more and more grisly truth.

this island had its own god.

and something much more sinister than genesis had happened on this soil.

mini soundtrack sampler includes: bakar, ‘hell n back’ + mumford & sons, ‘little lion man’ + neil reid, ‘mother of mine’

let that fever make the water rise - a grace & choice au inspired by the ritual

it was supposed to be like a vacation. diana hadn’t had one in at least fifteen years. vida, even longer.

so why not hiking? why not the kungsleden--the king’s trail--in northern sweden?

the first two days were bliss. nothing but rolling hills, clear skies. up until:

“ah fuck!”

“vida--shit, vida, are you okay?”

“yeah, i’m--urk!”

“all right, that was not a reassuring noise, let’s have a look at that--”

vida’s left knee went from pink to a swollen blue to an agonized, deep purple tinged with green over the course of next day. diana couldn’t bear to watch her struggle to keep up, especially when this was supposed to be a romantic break, nothing as taxing as the fieldwork happening back home.

by the light of a campfire, diana studied their map, humming. “what if we just cut through the forest?” she asked. “if we just went as the crow flies... it cuts the time in half. and you need medical attention, vida, we can’t keep going on like this.”

“has the battalion cleared this area?” vida returned her question with one of her own, eyes shining. the reflection of the fire made them look like stones polished by a river. “we wouldn’t run into anything, would we?”

diana smiled. “nothing we couldn’t handle, love, i’m sure.”

and diana didn’t change her mind when they set off the next morning... up until they found the disembowled carcass of an elk, placed up high in a tree like a religious icon.

she thought of morgan.

“diana, what--what put that up there? something had to have put that up there!”

mini soundtrack sampler includes: billie eilish, ‘bury a friend’ + two feet, ‘i feel like i’m drowning’ + coldplay, ‘paradise’

you can hear the river from my burial bed - a secret gardens au inspired by the legends of slenderman & mercy black, co-starring @agent-hood​

she wouldn’t say she wouldn’t remember. she did.

it was just that caroline janson had been in therapy for so long... she was no longer sure what of shards of her memories were real, and what would be, as dr. ward would say, hallucinations.

but she knew one thing: she was glad to be coming home.

“i hope chicken’s okay for your first night back,” parker began gently. “i’m just now realizing i forgot to ask--”

caroline smiled at her, “chicken would be great.”

she watched parker’s profile, as she opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. finally, she inhaled, then began, “you know... carter’s missed you since you’ve been gone...”

caroline rolled her eyes. “parker. it’s been a decade and a half. i seriously doubt it.”

“hey, who knows my brother better right now, me or you?”

that earned a huff... and a grin. subdued, but still there. “... okay. fine. but... maybe not tonight.” parker glanced at her once, and nodded.

“i understand. besides, maybe i want you all to myself for the first few days, anybody think about that?”

and caroline laughed.

and she wished that it felt like she wasn’t still being haunted.

mini soundtrack sampler includes:  oingo boingo, ‘dead man’s party’ + shaed, ‘trampoline’ + corrina repp, ‘only a beat’

don’t let it shake your steady thread-cutting hand - a royals & robots au inspired by kristy

it was hardly tilde’s idea to spend thanksgiving alone harvard. but between the pandemic, the weather, and her own growing agitation at her father’s behavior...

it just seemed easier.

and it wasn’t all bad. she still had prudence, who opted to stay with her out of love (and perhaps a lack of family--but she didn’t ask). and they had run of essentially the entire campus--there were several buildings that stayed opened, even over the holiday. the library being one.

but it wasn’t until one night, when they made a late night trip to a convenience store not far from tilde’s housing that things became... strange.

“pru. ... pru!” she whispered, snacks in one hand, the other on pru’s elbow. “... i think she’s following us.”

“she?” pru asked, lowly, careful to keep her eyes down, as if they were just having a very, very difficult time decided on what kind of poptarts they wanted.

tilde, face oddly blanched, couldn’t find her voice, so she just nodded.

at the end of the aisle, a figure in dark hoodie and skinny jeans passed out of view.

one of pru’s arms went around tilde’s waist. “don’t worry. i’m sure she’s just here at the same time as us. it’s a small store.”

tilde would remember that when she got home in time to find a snuff film loaded onto her laptop.

“oh shit--oh shit, oh god--!”

this is why she preferred halloween.

mini soundtrack sampler includes: yeah yeah yeahs, ‘heads will roll’ + rihanna, ‘disturbia’ + nonono, ‘pumpin’ blood’

[ryanmentalhealth]

Mental Health - Inaugural Post (20/09/2020 - 03:00)

So, here goes. This is my first post regarding mental health. It has been a very long time since I have done this. I have been thinking a lot recently regarding blogging and posting about my mental health but time and time again I have chosen not to. I hope this helps more than it has in the past, because in all honesty, I am struggling, more than I have admitted to anyone recently. 

Admitting to my family that I am suicidal and that I am really struggling with my mental health has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don’t come from the most supportive or affectionate family, but to give them credit where it is due, they have been amazing. Everyone has rallied round and has tried to support me in their own little ways. The case is the same with my friends. Some of them have been absolutely amazing, checking on me on an almost daily basis but respecting when I need some space or time alone. Just knowing that I am able to just pick up the phone and phone them, no matter the time of day or night is a massive safety net for me. They have no idea just how grateful and thankful I am for them. They have quite literally at times, saved my life! 

I have missed my last 2 meetings with my support worker, the first one due to me getting my times wrong and thinking the appointment was 3 hours later than it was, the second as a result of me slipping down my steps and thinking I managed to break my ankle (I did not btw.) This has had a huge impact on me over the last few weeks. We had managed to do some excellent work together and she managed to help me understand a lot about my mental health and has been working to continue this work. I have my next appointment on Tuesday and I am really nervous about it. I am scared because I think it is time to admit that I don’t think the CBT approach is right for me at the moment, I think I need to see a psychiatrist and have more involvement with the primary care mental health team. I guess I just need to be honest with her and tell her exactly how I am feeling. 

I have been off work now since the 14th July, not due to return until the 25th October. I don’t think I am going to be fit to return at this point. I am not ready, I am no where near ready. The way I feel at the moment, I don’t know if I ever will be ready to return to work. I still feel suicidal, every single day. Literally, every.....single.....day. If you have never had thoughts or feelings of suicide then I can tell you this much, they are terrifying. Every single thought fills you with absolute fear and panic, dread and anxiety. It is horrific. As I sit writing this blog, even now, the thought in the back of my mind is as such, “Surely it would just be easier to swallow all the pills. Just do it, overdose, it will stop the fear, the anxiety and the panic. Just do it, you won’t continue to suffer if you just do it.” That being said, let’s be clear about one thing. I am NOT going to kill myself, not a chance, I am not going to loose this battle, these thoughts and feelings are not going to beat me. 

My sleeping has not in the least improved either, as can be witnessed by the fact that at 03:19 on a Sunday morning, I am sitting here, writing this post instead of in my bed sleeping. Before people start hitting me with sleep hygiene advice and such, I was in my bed at 2300 last night and lay there, staring at the ceiling until I decided to get back up out of bed at 0130. I was not using my phone, I did not have any TV or Music on. Just me, bed, a lamp and a book, which I only read for around 20 mins before deciding to try and fall asleep. Something that really is bothering me about the sleeping issue is that I have told my GP about it multiple times and every time he just gives me sleep hygiene advice and tells me not to watch TV in bed and not use my phone. What I need is something to help me sleep, something that will assist me in developing a strong and healthy sleep routine. I used to take medication in the evening that would make me drowsy and assist me off to sleep but this was changed to a different medication recently, making the sleep issues even worse. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, when I get no sleep or next to no sleep, the thoughts of suicide are worse! 

As well as the sleep issues and the thoughts of suicide, another issue that I am having is the lack of ability to leave the house. Every time I want to leave the house alone, I have a massive panic/anxiety attack. This has been exacerbated by the pandemic with the need for of a mask (which I will ALWAYS wear when I am in a shop or on public transport btw, I am not an anti-masker!) but covering my face makes me even more anxious which, given the fact I am already a walking bag of absolute panic, fear and nerves, I can promise you is not a good thing! Every time I go near the door to head out, I suddenly get an overwhelming feeling of terror. My hear rate increases ten fold. I start to sweat profusely. I feel dizzy. I start to have irrational thoughts of harm coming to me if I leave the house on my own, getting run over, getting stabbed, getting attacked, even thoughts of being shot. Where do these thoughts come from I hear you ask? Well, I have no idea, Nada, literally nothing.  I can’t even go out from my house to the local corner shop, literally 150 meters from my front door. This is becoming crippling now. Crippling and terrifying. I also develop sudden exhaustion when I think about leaving the house, suddenly, regardless whether I am tired or not before hand. When I open the door, I get a horrific feeling like being in a tiny room, with the walls closing in on me, I feel trapped, like a caged animal. Can you understand just how confusing that is to me. Outside, stepping out of my door, that is how I feel. Trapped, outside... 

Another thing that has started happening again recently is flashbacks, memories and reminders of some horrible things that have happened in the past. These, I think, are having a huge impact on my mental health. I am remembering certain traumas. One time recently, I woke up after a nightmare and thought for around 30 seconds that I was back in that very situation again. That was the single scariest experience I have ever had. I feel like I am never going to be free of that trauma but that is something that I really need to work on. 

Also, in relation to the image attached to this post, you will see it is a quote from the author Bill Maher - “Suicide is a mans way of telling god, you can’t fire me, I quit!”. I have chosen this image for a number of reasons. 1) I absolutely adore the quote. It has always been one of my favourites. 2) It’s true as fuck! 3) I lost one of my closest friends in January to suicide, something which even to this day I am still hugely struggling with and he spoke often about just how much he loved this quote. in fact, he was the person who introduced me to said quote. 4) I think that ever post deserves a good quote, so every one of my posts will have an image of one of my favourite quotes. 

I will begin to round this post up now, as I realise that it is very long. My intention is that I am going to try to write one of these posts at least once per week, more if possible. If you have an interest in mental health then please feel free to follow me on tumblr or twitter. You can find my twitter handle on my page. Also, if you have any stories you would like to share with me or if you wish to ask me anything, please reach out and do so. 

If you, like me, are struggling with your mental health please know this one thing. It is ok to reach out and ask for help, it is ok not to be ok! 

Much Love, Ryan 

[doginshoe]

Vampire x Bites

This is my first post for starsoba’s fictober! @thewritingstar thanks for coming up with the prompts. Sorry I’m a little late for the party but I’ll catch up. Also I’m combining these prompts with kinktober and for this fic it will be biting. Though, there is not smut in this one cause we start out soft ;) Just sum sexy vamp!natsu

_________________________

Lucy frowned up at the large neon sign that illuminated the busy street in a deep red. There was a queasy feeling building up in her stomach and she couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable with the name choice. She turned to Juvia who hadn’t noticed her lack of enthusiasm as she clapped her hands and turned to her with bright eyes - the red light cloaking her form and making her black outfit look deadly.

“Are you ready?” Juvia asked again and Lucy felt her eyes being drawn back towards the bright club sign.

Le Blood Bath.

Lucy brought her hands around her waist as she became very conscious of the red mini dress she wore and turned back to Juvia with a concerned look on her face.

“I don’t know, Juvi,” she stated, “Are you ready?”

Juvia sighed before she grabbed at Lucy’s hands and pulled them from around her friend. “Don’t be silly, Lucy! This is going to be fun.” she pulled her forward. “Now come on. I don’t wanna miss the band’s opening set.”

Lucy scoffed, “That’s why we’re here? To watch the classmate your in love with play?”

Juvia didn’t reply as she continued to pull them into line and the blonde couldn’t help but roll her eyes. She should’ve known. It wasn’t like her friend to beg to go on a night out in the city. Though, she didn’t understand why that guy would have a gig here of all places.

Was he…? Lucy’s eyes drifted from her friend to the club sign again.

She had heard of this place before. Le Blood Bath was the only vampire nightclub open in this city and the news of it’s appearance had spread fairly quickly - especially on the news station that her dad liked to watch. From how disgusting it was that a vampire club had opened in Magnolia to the missing persons reports, it had all been plastered across the town and made sure that people steered clear.

Lucy felt the uneasiness double as she remembered all the stories that came from this place and once again her eyes flickered back to Juvia and thoughts to just what her crush was. It wasn’t that she had anything against them. Ever since they came out of the coffin they had been nothing but peaceful and she was sure that the rumours of increased murders or disappearances was just that - Rumours.

Juvia nudged her side and Lucy was pulled from her thoughts as the bouncer looked down at her, his eyes dark and his skin deathly pale. She immediately felt a shiver crawl up her spine as she scrambled to pull out her ID. There was a pause as he looked between her drivers license and her before he handed it back - their fingers brushing ever so slightly that made Lucy jump.

She heard a rough chuckle as she was pulled into the club, her head whipping behind her to see a fanged grin before it disappeared when they turned down the hall into the main room.

“Oh my god! Look, Lucy,” Juvia squealed, her hand grabbing the startled blonde that jostled her further, “There he is!”

Lucy was bugged eyed as her friend pointed to the stage at the other side where two guys stood that looked ready to play. The drums were starting up and soon the strum of a guitar hit the crowd as a steady beat followed. Bodies started moving as people filed onto the dance floor and Lucy could barely take in her surroundings as she was once again pulled by her friend.

“W-wait.” Lucy squirmed and twisted her hand from Juvia’s grasp. Yet, before her friend could turn around she was swallowed by the crowd and Lucy was pushed backwards. There was a moment where she stumbled and the blonde felt panic swim through her as she looked around quickly for her friend. Though, she knew it wouldn’t be much good with how many people had gathered in the centre of the club.

With a second to collect herself Lucy looked for the next best thing - the bar.

It was a nice surprise to see that the bartender wasn’t nearly as menacing as the bouncer, giving her a chance to rest her rapid heartbeat as she placed her order for something strong. The white haired woman smiled and made small talk, but Lucy couldn't help but notice her dark red gaze - the eyes making her hold back and keep the conversation tight.

There wasn’t a pause as she grabbed her drink and stalked away to the edge of the crowd where she slipped to the dark booths that were less populated than the rest of the club. She felt more in place as she sipped her drink, but there was still the nervous feeling in her stomach as her brown eyes darted amongst the faces of the crowd.

She was so distracted as she retreated to her hiding place that she didn’t notice the presence lurking next to her - the deep chuckle the only thing that stirred her from the safety net she had created in her mind.

“You look like a lamb in a slaughterhouse, you know.”

The voice had her jumping and she turned around to man that was next to her, her footsteps unconsciously moving backwards further into the booth to get away from him. The first thing that Lucy noticed was his eyes, but these weren’t dark like the one's she had seen. They were bright and blood red - his very gaze on her had her feeling petrified.

“I would suggest that if you’re trying to not draw attention though to look more natural. Most of us just can’t help ourselves when you look at us like that.”

Lucy’s throat went dry as her mouth opened and closed. She needed to say something but she felt paralysed.

He smirked at her and stepped closer, his fangs glinting in the lights that had Lucy’s eyes snapping towards the lengthened canines.

She swallowed. Hard.

“Come on,” he teased, “You’re making this too easy.”

Lucy eyes flickered back to his face. His skin was tanner than the other vampires, but he still had the paleness to his face. His jawline was strong and he stood taller than her by at least a foot. It was only then that she noticed the colour of his hair - pink.

If they had been in any other situation she would’ve thought that he was cute. A bit two thousands punk style, but still had a boyish charm to his smile. However, she had to remind herself that this wasn’t a normal situation.

“Excuse me,” Lucy started as she went to move past him, “But I have a boyfriend.”

He laughed before he stood in front of her. “Are you really trying to lie to me? You’re not very smart, are you little lamb?”

Lucy backed away, her feet dragging her back into the booth and with each step she took backwards he took one closer. “I’m serious. He’s waiting for me so if you don’t-”

“You’re serious?” He interrupted her before another chuckle left his lips. “You can’t lie to a vampire. I can hear everything that’s running through your mind right now.”

She froze just as her back hit the wall and he leaned forward, his arms coming up to cage her. Lucy wanted to scream, but she felt nothing come out as her gaze was drawn to his own.

“And here I thought you were just another self obsessed girl waiting to beg someone to change her. “ His eyes drifted down before they slowly roamed back up where they stopped at her neck. “You’re a lot more fun little lamb.”

“W-wait,” Lucy whispered and she tried to squirm but her body felt like stone - no longer obeying her commands as it wilfully became his prey.

His eyes came back up to hers and a frown was set on his face. “I know. You had no idea just where you were, but it’s club rules. Vampires can only drink from a human in the booths and I’m starving.” His tongue swept over his canines as his smirk pulled up his lips again. “And you really are just too tempting.”

A soft whine left her throat as he leaned down to her neck and pressed his fangs into her skin. A sharp pain spreading through her body as he sunk his teeth into her, her blood spilling down her shoulder and soaking into her red dress. She heard him moan as he lapped up her blood, his hands coming down to grab hold of her waist and bring her closer to him.

Lucy sucked in a breath as the pain turned to pleasure - the feeling of him licking and sucking her neck beginning to tighten the coil in her lower stomach and draw out a breathy sigh from the blonde. Soon her arms were wrapped around his neck for support as she felt her legs refuse to hold her weight.

She felt light as all her thoughts dissolved - all her fear. It was euphoric and all her focus was on the overriding sense of touch. So much so that Lucy didn’t even notice as the vampire that was drinking up her blood settled her on the couch in the booth, his vicious attack on her neck turning to long licks up her chest and over the bite mark he left on her neck.

Her eyes only opened when she felt a hand cup her cheek, his thumb brushing her lips and stirring her from whatever she had been lost in.

“I’m sorry little lamb,” he whispered, “I couldn’t stop myself.”

Lucy’s eyes fluttered as she stared up at his face that was no longer smirking. His eyes were dark and he almost looked sad as he gazed down at her. Lucy felt that it didn’t quite suit him, but she couldn’t mull on the thoughts for long before she felt the weight pull her eyes shut and sleep take over.

[ravencromwell]

Disability Wealth Gap in the U.S.

Have been pondering the U.S. disability wealth gap a lot over the last few days while simultaneously realizing the lack of familiarity around disability finance outside the fairly narrow disabled community. So here's the disability wealth gap breakdown in the U.S. no one asked for.

Let's get a couple terms out of the way first, on the understanding these are fairly generalized explanations--the accompanying links will give you more broad information.

SSDI is social security disability insurance, available only if you've paid taxes into the social security system, usually for at least five years.

SSI is supplemental security income--a needs-based program for low-asset holding disabled folk, that requires no taxes having been paid into the system.

But! unlike disability insurance, where there's a fairly generous yearly earned income cap and no asset cap, both those things exist with SSI--one of the reasons means-testing is one of neoliberalism's worst evils

Essentially, SSI is the greasy spoon compared to the meat & 3 that's available if you've paid in the system. Your only criteria is being born disabled and low-income. And then are promptly kicked off of if you have assets over $2,000. Yeah, you read that right: no fluffy college degrees if you're disabled. You better make damn sure you get something that'll keep you employed come hell or high water

You'll notice that both the source links are to breakdowns regarding income; I'm not the person to ask about eligibility, particularly when it comes to Social Security disability insurance, having never been one of those lucky tax-paying folks. I'm here to talk assets and economics if you're born disabled and poor. More specifically, how disability--especially when viewed intersectionally with other isms--makes it damn near impossible to escape poverty

So, you're allowed to have $2,000 in assets as a single person and qualify for SSI. Assets, as defined by the social security administration include:

cash

money in a checkings or savings account

cash value in life insurance policies (over $1,500)

stocks and bonds

vehicles (they grant us the grace of one for transportation)

real estate (except our house)

(Source link)

Do a real slow once-over of that list. Barely any life insurance; no easily accessible investment opportunities, and most of all, no easily accessible savings or checking. And this's a flat rate, assessed yearly; your accounts can never, under any circumstances, go over $2,000 in a year. (Easily accessible is an important caveat here, because there are beginning to be some legal work-arounds which I'll address later)

And the SSI payment itself? I'm on the upper-most end, and it comes in at about $800 a month, which you'd better spend within that month, cause remember, no accumulating over $2,000. Average one-bedroom apartment rent in the U.S. in the year of our lord 2019? $1,078. This rent report, while capitalist as hell, in that it celebrates the growth that's sucking everybody dry, is a very good overview of just how bad the rent situation is. If you're insanely lucky, you can scrape an apartment at $601, and if you're shit out of luck, you'll end up at $2,311.

I specifically mention one-bedrooms because disabled folk tend to be shy of apartment-sharing arrangements. There're a lot of reasons for this, from needing to carefully organize our refrigerators by memory to avoid expensive labeling technology (if you really want a trip, go look up the price of a roll of Dymo tape, which's the best kind of tape for inserting into a brailler for labeling.) to serious concerns on the part of nondisabled folk about rooming with us. The fear of being asked to change your life in significant ways or take on responsibilities outside those normally expected of apartment-sharing agreements is one I heartily sympathize with.

And then, there is, of course, disabled folks' healthy fear of crime. This isn't a topic I want to linger over, particularly because I think there is a real danger of inflating carceral myths around crime that've already ravaged poor, majority-minority communities. But it is a reality that disabled folk are three times more likely to be victims of violent crime than their nondisabled counterparts. Just as with many other marginalized folk, we need to take care in our housing situations etc. etc.

The unfortunate reality, however, is that the low-wage work that many marginalized folk rely on for survival is barred to us, especially if we have significant physical or visual disabilities. As a blind person with cerebral palsy, for example, cashier and receptionist are out for me.

There're two vitally important discussions that need to be had that don't fit neatly into this 101 post where I'm specifically using the most universalist language possible to encompass the broadest cross-section of the disability community, but which I want to acknowledge nonetheless: the complete lack of a social safety net, and the fact that even as a dirt-poor white, I'm farther up on the privilege ladder than most people of color.

One of the most enlightening passages of Brittney Cooper's Eloquent Rage is the following:

Skyrocketing childcare costs continue to disadvantage Black families, particularly in households like mine, headed by a single breadwinner mother. According to the Institute for 206Women’s Policy Research, 60.9 percent of all Black families are headed by a single mother who is the breadwinner for the family. Another 20 percent of Black households rely on a married mother as the breadwinner. In every state in the United States, there are more single than married Black mothers. In every state in the United States, there are more married white mothers than single ones. In twenty-four states, the cost of childcare exceeds the cost of rent, and in many states the cost of childcare exceeds the 10 percent income-affordability threshold established by federal agencies.

Consider that many of those single women are also disabled--a definition complicated, I'm beginning to learn, by the racism of the white disability community and many black folks' distrust of identifying with any term that harkens back to eugenics. Especially as utterly baseless, slanderous filth about intellectual or physical inferiority is still propagated as one of the multiple cudgels of racism to this day. (which is one of the reasons, honestly, that I'm doing this post; because disability, and the financial limitations thereof, often intersect with the movements against police brutality in ways not immediately apparent. If we as disabled folk are three times as likely to be victims of violent crime, you know! black disabled people, be that an identity they embrace or no, are going to be more vulnerable.)

But I also bring up Cooper's point above because it highlights the scarcity of resources and general social mobility. I've been trying to obtain a housing voucher for years. This would allow me to set aside some of my SSI money--in those legal work-arounds I'll touch on in a moment. Not a lot, mind you, but enough to build on a slight savings foundation. As a person with disabilities, I'm even considered high-priority. But there simply are no openings. The waiting list is lengthy, and gets lengthier every year. Because the people reliant on said vouchers can't gain better-paying employment. * So they need those vouchers, and the state and federal government refuse to create more. (And understand, this goes beyond simple dem or gop administration categories. I was as thoroughly fucked, housing-voucher wise, under the Obama admin as the Trump one. There is a fundamental housing crisis HUD has failed to grapple with, of rising rent and shrinking availability for low-income individuals. This failure has been a long time in the building, and just happens to disproportionately impact those of us with disabilities.)

In a system where the statistics Cooper cites are a grim reality for so many black women, it is absolutely no surprise the system is gridlocked, especially when you look at Cooper's elucidation that in 2011, median wealth for white families was over $141,000 while black families' rested at $11,000. And single black women: had a net wealth of $5, while single white women had an average of $42,000.

I may be dirt-poor, but I recognize that my ability to be left a tiny nest-egg of an inheritance is a massive fucking white privilege, and I want to make clear again that a lack of spots on that voucher list is absolutely not the fault of anyone but the folk in power. But when you can't get an entry-level job, and you! can't get a voucher, having anything to build on is insanely tough.

Especially because: the first legal work-around to SSI didn't arrive until the year 2014. Yeah, you fuckin read that right: six years ago. Known as the Able, or A Better Life Experience Act, this let us create savings accounts. We can--and are expected to--sock money away in those for investments in housing, education, etc. etc.

And look; it's revolutionary, ok. It lets me have a tiny nest-egg without having my SSI snatched away. But when your SSI is $800 a month, it's essentially eaten up by expenses. If and when disaster makes that nest-egg dwindle, there's nothing to replenish it. And understand: this is significant progress. Remember that $2,000 SSI asset limit? Until March 9th, 2005, household resources were counted towards that total. (Yeah, that means everything from furniture to your cell phone counted towards your assets, and then people ask why there's a disincentive in the disability community towards employment when your SSI is so often tied to decent, affordable insurance.)

There is progress made, but god there is so much more to be made. I didn't even know about the trusts until two years ago. Until this week, I didn't know that friends could gift directly into the trust, when I went looking after generous people offered help and I went: but can I take it without fucking up the SSI, cause god knows I desperately need replenished savings, but can't possibly get kicked off that, too. There are so many people who have no idea Able accounts exist, or the means to fill them.

Disabled people who aren't employed in white-collar jobs and want to get married? are absolutely fucked. If you have SSI, you can only have $3,000 in assets between you and your spouse, excluding some pensions etc. etc. Exceed that limit, and poof, you're done. So if you're born disabled, better either go to college or have a spouse who makes enough to support two. (These restrictions are slightly less onerous with Social Security Disability Insurance, or SSDI, but as I've said before, I'm not the one to speak to that.)

Part of making that progress is being well-informed. Start understanding how race and disability are woven together--something I'll freely admit I'm just learning. Start understanding that programs like a child allowance? are simultaneously some of the best antiracism and antipoverty work we can be doing, and would be revolutionary for parents with kids with disabilities.

Even more revolutionary, and the program I hear no one talking about? baby bonds!

You have to understand: there is a lot of shit Senator Booker and I disagree on--google his notorious charter school support. But this program? was one of the best things to come out of the 2020 campaign--aside from Warren's wealth tax, and the entire policy page which's just a well-constructed dream suite of proposals.

Booker's baby bonds program makes me do the delighted flaily hands. A. the strides it would make to reduce the black and white wealth gap between young people are just phenomenal. B. it would so radically reshape the landscape for disabled folk I haven't even entirely managed to wrap my head around all its implications. But let me give you an example.

As members of the disability community, there is some limited aid available to us for college. States will usually pay the amount of tuition for an in-state student at a local university of their choosing. So let's say $9,500. Now, we all know that's not going to go very far at all, particularly if you go out-of-state for college. And considering the steep unemployment rate in the disability community--most reputable studies put it at around 70% in the blind community. Well.

Even taking into account methodology concerns e.g. not necessarily surveying whether someone wants a job or are cognitively capable of job performance, but instead relying on whether they have one, those statistics are fucking grim. (I try really hard not to ponder it; the only way to pursue my ambitions is to believe, with either mad optimism or bulldog stubbornness, in my chances of success.)

When you're looking at those steep odds in a world where networking is already hard for non-disabled professionals: you need! the burnished credentials of a fancy school. You oftentimes need that gloss just to get you noticed as a blind individual. And that? means a lot steeper tuition than what the state departments of rehabilitation will fork over.

If you're straight out of high school, you have some real hope of scholarships for your undergrad. If you are, like me, a nontraditional student, things get...complicated.

Current plan looks something like: take advantage of the free 2-year-college that just! got passed in my GOP state about a year ago. And have the amount of a semester's tuition (so around $16,000) in savings by the end of that. After that first semester, I'll use internships and work study and fuck knows what else, but I need that first semester: to undertake the arduous task of learning routes as a blind person. To understand what my resources are on-campus as a disabled person and how to utilize them.

Booker's baby bonds? An account worth tens of thousands by the time I was eighteen? would've erased so many of those obstacles. By now, I'd be out of college, out of law school, gainfully employed. The possibilities are almost too vast to contemplate.

So, yeah. I have no neat conclusion to this. Start understanding disability issues as critical intersectional issues. Fight for economic equality, understanding that you're fighting, in large part, for disability equality. Ask questions. I'm open to them. I suspect you have other disabled friends who are, too

*There's a whole discussion around incarceration crippling employment, especially in majority-minority communities. Follow any good decarceral thinker, from Chris Hayes to Josie Duffy Rice to Ruth Wilson Gilmore (the latter understands disability as a crucial part of the struggle in ways I deeply appreciate) to understand the issue better.