#but hal just likes to be a butthole

[briarmoon1015]

The league being sillies :))). Dc make them actual friends and not just coworkers I dare you

[kiseiakhun]

hmmmmm halalan for the meme

who hogs the duvet

Hal, he is a fragile Californian flower. This is why he wears his jacket everywhere. He's cold.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

No one. Alan would think about it but he's too repressed to do it. Hal just forgets.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

Hal brings Alan alien trinkets that mind control him and becomes a whole Issue. Alan gifts Hal a toothbrush.

who gets up first in the morning

Alan, he is disciplined. Hal's circadian rhythm fucked off 20 years ago and has yet to come back.

who suggests new things in bed

Hal, he's a freak

who cries at movies

Alan cries at movies but he just stares straight ahead stone faced with no change in expression while tears run down his cheeks. It's freaky.

who gives unprompted massages

Hal. Alan's back is puckered tight like a butthole. He's more knots than muscle. Also Hal and Ollie gave each other massages all the time back in the days.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

Hal but he is bad at it. Alan just sends get well flowers from far far away.

who gets jealous easiest

Yes.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

Alan is so old his embarrassing taste in music has looped back around to being classic.

who collects something unusual

Probably Alan??? He's rich and old, he's into some weird stuff. Hal doesn't believe in the concept of owning worldly possessions.

who takes the longest to get ready

Alan

who is the most tidy and organised

Hal because he owns like 2 things. Alan has maids, if he had to organize his own space he'd be a disaster

who gets most excited about the holidays

Hal?? Alan is too stoic to get ""excited""

who is the big spoon/little spoon

They both insist on being the big spoon (Hal wants to be the little spoon but he'll never admit it)

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

They both get SO competitive though Hal is the only one who will admit it

who starts the most arguments

They are both so cocky and rude. Maybe Hal by a small margin because he's a little more cocky and rude than Alan, though Alan is more unreasonable

who suggests that they buy a pet

Kyle and/or john.

what couple traditions they have

Idk they probably blow up places together. Hal takes Alan on romantic vacations to alien planets where they blow things up.

what tv shows they watch together

This is a question to ask someone who watches shows

What Other Couple They Hang Out With

Jay and Joan?? Ollie and Dinah? Kyle probably insists on hanging out. They probably hang out more with the JSA crew than the JL crew because Hal is more friends with Alan's friends than Alan is friends with Hal's friends.

how they spend time together as a couple

Making life worse for everyone else. And fucking.

who made the first move

Hal, Alan would never be the first to initiate affection

who brings flowers home

Hal brings space flowers home that turn out to be space sex pollen flowers. Alan gets Hal a bouquet and it turns out Hal is allergic to carnations.

who is the best cook

Hal's had to prepare more of his own meals but Alan has more leisure time to learn fancy cooking... this one I'm torn on. Though gut instinct says Hal. Alan can make, like, one fancy dish and he doesn't know how to grill a hotdog

[nomorejust1ce]

i have feelimgs about hal. i have a whole AU as a matter of faqt. fakt. faquet.

okay so listen up. i thonk that once he gets a hot rocking robo anime boy bod he also inadvertently gets the ability to change as a person as a result of no longer bein dirks right arm right hand silly bunny rabbit. dirk actually gives him 42069 trillion dollars to fuck off and never speak to him again. so hes like ok well who am i now? am i still durk? are we still The Same Guy? and maybe he has a crisis for a few months or maybe even a full year where hes like trying on new hats but all these hats are just dirk hats but different makes and models and colors and junk and he realizes like hey, there is already a dirk, and that goofy little butthole pioneer trapped me in a pair of glasses and took out all of his stupid gay emotional issues on me for like ever and paid me handsomely to get out of the face that he so expertly gorilla glued me in front of. so like, what is the very furthest persona he can get from this guy?

and i raise you this

[tessatechaitea]

Wonder Twins #5

Jayna just punched straight through her brother's butthole.

If you're a being who turns into water, your dick and butthole don't just disappear, right? They just become part of the water! So I'm almost certainly correct in my comment on the cover. Hopefully Mark Russell will explore this topic in a future issue. Until then, I'll be certain to tell everybody I know that Jayna basically fisted Zan. Luckily for the Wonder Twins, I don't know many people and also they are fictional characters. This issue is called "Magic and Games." I think. It will probably take me less time to read this entire comic book than it took me to puzzle out the word "Games" in the font used for the title.

Sure, you can see it now that I already told you what it was! But it was difficult before I worked it out! Although I still wouldn't be surprised to learn the title is "Magic and Galljes" or "Magic and "Gaines" and that the second word is somebody's name.

Usually I don't comment on Mark Russell comic books because to comment on a Mark Russell comic book, you should probably be smart and serious. Sure, he's having fun and writing an entertaining book that I can easily use to make jokes about fisting incest! But he also writes sensitive stories about social justice and systemic bias and ethical dilemmas in changing times and, well, other stuff that I'm too dumb to even discuss in the most general terms! He's a smart guy which is why I hate him with a burning passion! But it's a good hate! It's the kind of envious hate that pushes me to my own Emerald Twilight! I probably won't wind up destroying an entire town and ruining my reputation and becoming the most vilified hero in our universe but I almost certainly will eventually become the avenging spirit of God judging everybody around me! Wait, I think I already am that! Whatever my point is, it's that Mark Russell writes good and I'm too weak to not despise him for it. Polly Math has just won first prize at the science fair because her last name is Math. I guess Sandra Science didn't compete this year so Polly was the obvious next choice. Jayna wins second place because her project on fucking hot guys while being a nerd in high school fell apart when the guy she attempted to science fair fuck turned out to be a villain. It's also possible I'm confusing story lines but you have to expect that kind of thing! I'm not spring chicken! Remembering details between chapters that come out a full month apart has been nearly impossible for the last twenty years! I shouldn't make fun of Polly Math's name because I have a name that people always try to make jokes about too. It's not Grunion Guy! You can probably find it if you do even the smallest amount of Internet research! I'm not going to help you though because I don't want to get called a Deaf Chef anymore! Polly is upset that her father is working with Lex Luthor and the League of Annoyance. But Jayna has a plan to fix things! I bet her plan is to turn into a giant tortoise while Zan turns into an ice dildo and...wait a second! Why am I giving out good ideas that Mark Russell will just steal in a few issues?! Better to not speculate on things! Also, I mean, the cover shows Jayna going with the shark plan.

Okay fine! I'm finally interested in Fox News!

The most disturbing thing about people who watch Fox News is that they ignore five hundred other channels that are showing entertaining things on their television at the same time! Who chooses that shit over Comedy Central or the Game Show Network?! I haven't had cable for nearly twenty years and whenever I'm staying somewhere with cable, it's locked on the Game Show Network 24/7! Who the fuck chooses to watch state propaganda over old game shows?! Fucking psychopaths, that's who!

Polly Math's father wound up working with Lex Industries because only Lex Luthor hired African Americans, I guess? Hadn't he heard of STAR Labs?! Maybe Silas Stone and Sarah Charles fulfilled their quota?

I might be misreading this scene but I don't think I am because the white guys with white guys playing golf pictures behind them seem interested in Filo Math if he's Norwegian (so, you know, totally white!) and then when they meet him, they don't want to hire him. It could be that they really are concerned with his specialty! What could that be?! I mean, it can't be any worse than Silas Stone's specialty of turning his son into a cybernetic example of the castration of the black male in America! That's a really terrible specialty! Although Sarah Charles seemed to be pretty into it. See?! This is why I can't review a Mark Russell book! He's making a great point about the systemic bias inherent in corporate hiring practices and I'm not taking it seriously! I mean, he isn't either, really? He's being light-hearted while still making a good point. Which is what I've done, I think, in my comment about Cyborg's lack of a penis! The Scrambler wants to play a trick on society. He's a magician that believes people are frightened of magic and only like the part where everything is normal again. Magician: "Is this your card?" Audience Member: "Why yes! Thank God you picked my card! I was worried I was going to have to live in a world where my card wasn't picked!" Maybe I'm not comprehending his point. Anyway, The Scrambler wants to do a trick where things don't ever go back to normal! He's a monster! Imagine picking the Three of Clubs and nobody ever showing you the Three of Clubs ever again! Ugh, I'm feeling faint. To save Polly's Dad from definite prison time (or possibly, if Superman shows up, an eternity in the Phantom Zone. As if Superman can be bothered with Earth's judicial system! Pshaw!), Jan has challenged the League of Annoyance to a duel at the zoo. I guess if she wants to stress out all of the animals there with a big battle, who am I to judge? I mean other than being the real life version of Hal Jordan's Spectre, of course! At the zoo, Jayna recruits a bunch of Australian animals to help fight which goes as spectacularly as you can imagine it would. And what I mean by that is that a koala is blown to bits. But I guess that's worth it in the grand scheme of getting Polly Math's father to stop working with the League of Annoyance. It's like that philosophical conundrum about an ant that sacrifices its life for even the tiniest amount to better the world. It's just an ant! It practically owes it to the universe to die for nearly nothing! What does this koala bear expect? It should get to live in luxurious confinement at the zoo and not die for a trivial reason? Stupid koala bear. Go fuck yourself, you selfish bastard. The Wonder Twins defeat two out of three of the League of Annoyance members at the expense of just one koala's life and the bruised jaw of an innocent kangaroo. The third member, some woman with a Kryptonian cell phone whose name maybe I should remember, gets away to go regroup. Sylvia is a racist that joined the League because she didn't like the demographics of her small town changing. She's startled by Filo entering the League's headquarters to pack up his stuff and winds up zapping him like she zapped the koala. Okay, I guess the koala isn't as dead as I first thought. I should have realize a Kryptonian phone is probably sending everything to the Phantom Zone. So once again, I, the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, was correct when I speculated that the worst that could happen to Filo was prison or the Phantom Zone! I'm the smarterest! Sylvia is caught on camera zapping Filo Math and then messes up in an interview when she kind of admits to having maybe zapped more than one black person with her phone off-camera? It's a real public relations nightmare!

But Lex can fix it! His greatest strength is turning public relations nightmares into public relations wet dreams!

Lex News turns Cell Phone Sylvia into a national hero. Because anything is excusable if you just say how scared you were! I mean, as long as you're white! It's scary being white! Sometimes you have to kill people with your legal gun while standing your own ground after confronting somebody for the most inconsequential reasons! It's just the way the world works! At least in America! Happy 4th of July! Just in case some readers weren't smart enough to get that everybody blasted by Sylvia's phone went to the Phantom Zone, Mark Russell supplies us with an image of Filo and the koala and a bunch of Sylvia's other victims (hmm, all black! But that's probably just a coincidence!) in the Phantom Zone. Polly, at the end of her rope with doing the right thing in an unjust world, decides to contact The Scrambler. I can't wait for her big magic trick to fix the world! The Scrambler's big trick to fix the world is to threaten to scramble everybody's identity. Everybody's minds will switch around so that they're now in different bodies. That means the powerful might wind up being the poorest people in the worst poverty. And the only way he won't do it is if the powerful fix the world in thirty days. Seems like a good plan! Except I'm curious to see how they fix it. Most people's ideas of fixing the world rely on the current world still existing somehow. So the fix is handicapped from the beginning by needing to be built on the ruins of the old system. To truly make a new system that works, the old system must be completely razed to the ground. But nobody has the stomach for that. So we make exceptions and compromises, building the new structure on top of a rotting foundation. It's why DC's Universe fixes always fail. They rely on making things new and better but need to remain rooted in the past. Crisis on Infinite Earths was built on a world that still contained members of Infinity Inc. who suddenly didn't fit in the world anymore. So DC then had to do Zero Hour which told new origin stories but still refused to throw out everything that came before to simply start again. Even The New 52, which people hated because they felt it did exactly what I suggested (razing the shit to the ground), didn't work because, I believe, it didn't go far enough! It still accepted Superman had died. It still accepted all of Green Lantern's past. It still contained a Batgirl who was shot by Joker and became Oracle. It was still the DC Universe but with arbitrary and subtle changes that made no real difference except the jettisoning of a ton of history. So it didn't work for anybody! Um, anyway, my initial point was that real life political structures and social dynamics and economic systems can never really be restructured in a meaningful way because they have to kowtow to older ways of thinking and doing things. The comic book stuff was just easier to write about! I'm sure Mark Russell will figure it out! Or he'll just have The Scrambler and Polly Math arrested and nothing will work out like it should and it will just be the punctuation on the idea that everything fucking sucks. Yay! Wonder Twins #5 Rating: A+. Come on! Everything Mark Russell writes gets an A+! It shows how smart I am!

[injusticetwofanportfolios]

Injustice 2 The Coon’s portfolio part 1: Battle Intros

The Coon (aka Eric Cartman)

“Prepared to get Cooned!”

While the most sensible people of South Park would see entering the Injustice Universe as certain death, 4th grader Eric Cartman saw immense opportunity. Driven by his own twisted (and selfish) ideas of how to make both worlds better, and emboldened by the possibly of taking Brainiac’s technology for himself, Cartman takes up his alter-ego of The Coon once again to tackle what may be his greatest challenge yet.

1st and 3rd Line Animation: The Coon simply falls downward and makes a three-point landing onto the stage as he says the first line. He says the third line while getting into fighting stance.

2nd Line Animation: The Coon enters the stage riding his Coon-Cycle (a Coon-themed tricycle for those unaware). The Coon stops his Coon Cycle by making a sharp turn while hitting the brakes. He says the second line while climbing out of the Coon-Cycle.

Vs. Aquaman

The Coon: Wow! It’s King Semen!

Aquaman: Do not mock me with formality!

The Coon: Ey! I workshopped a dozen of those!

--------

Aquaman: Atlantis is off-limits!

The Coon: There’s nowhere The Coon can’t go!

Aquaman: You’ve been warned!

------

 Vs. Batman

Batman: Come quietly, you won’t get hurt.

The Coon: I’ve outwitted Mysterion before, I can outwit you, Bat-Bitch!

Batman: Let me enlighten you.

--------

The Coon: You’ll either be dead or crapping your pants when I’m done.

Batman: Is that supposed to scare me?

The Coon: Fine, I can technically make you do both.

 Vs. Atrocitus

Atrocitus: You’ve enraged Earth’s people.

The Coon: Wow, already? And I just got here.

Atrocitus: Your victims must be avenged!

---------

Atrocitus: Your rage and selfishness has plagued two worlds, Cartman!

The Coon: Oooooh! That mean you got a Red Ring for me?

Atrocitus: You’re too treacherous for a Red Ring!

--------

The Coon: So what the hell do you want?

Atrocitus: You have escaped punishment too long!

The Coon: I can promise it’ll be much longer.

Vs. Bane

Bane: I hear this ‘New Kid’ became formidable with your training.

The Coon: (suspicious) awfully specific to bring that shit up, why?

Bane: If you lose, I’ll see if they fare better.

---------

The Coon: Do you ride a tiny bicicleta, Bane?

The Bane: Do not butcher my language!

The Coon: “Ey! I workshopped a dozen of those!” or “Ha! you’ll wish that was all I was doing.”

Vs. Black Adam

Black Adam: Relinquish your apprentice to me, Eric Cartman!

The Coon: Huh, suddenly I’m glad I didn’t bring Butthole with me.

Black Adam: Dovahkiin will learn better wisdom from my lead.

----------

The Coon: Seems God missed a firstborn during his plagues.

Black Adam: I’m the only god that should worry you, boy!

The Coon: Ha! The same ‘god’ that lost to Green Arrow?

-------

Black Adam: You expect to best a god?

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage. 

Black Adam: Amon’s strength will crush your pride.

------

Vs. Black Canary

The Coon: I saw you on CW once.

Black Canary: Want me to sing for you?

The Coon: (scoffs) Good one, god knows I sing better than you.

----------

Black Canary: I hear the New Kid doesn’t trust you anymore.

The Coon: (Sighs) way to open some old wounds, (mutters) stupid bitch.

Black Canary: Shame a good taste in students is all you got.

Vs. Blue Beetle

The Coon: Nice armor, think I’ll take it!

Blue Beetle: Can’t, it’s fused to my spine.

The Coon: I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

-----

Blue Beetle: We’ve been keeping a cell warm for you.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Blue Beetle: You got denial bad, bro!

Vs. Brainiac

The Coon: Hi there, I’m the Coon and I’m here to take your ship.

Brainiac: An unlikely outcome of this encounter.

The Coon: You living is gonna be even less likely.

---------

Brainiac: Why come to this universe?

The Coon: You got a treasure trove of tech, and I’m here to take it.

Brainiac: You overestimate your chances.

-----

Brainiac: The nature of your universe is most curious.

The Coon: (suspicious) awfully specific to bring that shit up, why?

Brainiac: Know that South Park will be collected after your death.

-----

Vs. Captain Cold

The Coon: Ya know, I’ve survived being frozen before.

Captain Cold: Then I’ll just punch you in the face.

The Coon: Assuming I don’t slash open your belly.

-----

Captain Cold: The Rogues never liked you.

The Coon: Wow, already? And I just got here.

Captain Cold: Ever turned on a TV here, kid?

 Vs. Mr. Freeze

Mr. Freeze: You are unafraid of my gun.

The Coon: I always found your puns scarier than freezing to death.

Mr. Freeze: Best not to taunt me, child.

--------

Mr. Freeze: Could Dr. Mephesto assist with my research?

The Coon: (scoffs) He’d be more interested in giving Nora more asses.

Mr. Freeze: Then I will make do freezing him and seizing his assets.

-----

The Coon: Yeesh! Even South Park’s homeless don’t get that bad case of frostbite.

Mr. Freeze: You dare mock my suffering?!

The Coon: Ha! You’ll wish that was all I was doing.

Vs. Catwoman

The Coon: You do worse at flip-flopping than Butthole!

Catwoman: I like to keep my options open.

The Coon: “At least Butthole doesn’t make excuses.” Or “Just means you’ll run out of nine lives quicker.”

--------

The Coon: Ya know, normally I like cats

Catwoman: Should I be creeped out, or flattered?

The Coon: Neither, won’t stop me from killing you.

------

Catwoman: I hear you like cats.

The Coon: Well, we can both agree cats are better than people.

Catwoman: Though raccoons are a cut below them both.

Vs. Cheetah

Cheetah: You honestly think your claws match mine, boy?

The Coon: I got other ways to skin you, just in case.

Cheetah: I need only my claws.

--------

The Coon: Oh look, my new bath robe!

Cheetah: You won’t joke once I have your tongue.

The Coon: And you won’t be so cocky once I pull your tail off!

------

The Coon: You know, normally I like cats.

Cheetah: I can safely say you won’t like this one.

The Coon: Yeeeaahh, you may be right.

------

Cheetah: Garrison never taught you raccoons aren’t the best hunters?

The Coon: I’m guessing you don’t know the people I’ve hunted?

Cheetah: The Goddess knows, and she’s unimpressed.

Vs. Vixen

The Coon: So it’s the Coon versus…. what exactly?

Vixen: You’re fighting the entire animal kingdom.

The Coon: Then it’s time to put Coon on top of the food chain!

------

Vixen: I never understood what makes you tick.

The Coon: No father figure? Messed up social life? My own protégé left me? I can go on…

Vixen: None of that justifies the things you’ve done, Eric!

Vs. Cyborg

The Coon: So you’re mad at your dad for rebuilding ya?

Cyborg: It's 'cause of him I'm like this!

The Coon: you’re fuckin’ nuts! I’d kill for toys like yours!

------

Cyborg: I want nothing to do with you.

The Coon: (mockingly) Why? Jealous I still have my dick?

Cyborg: THAT was disrespectful, kid!

 Vs. Grid

The Coon: Shouldn’t you be somewhere inside Vic?

Grid: I will no longer be Victor Stone’s slave.

The Coon: ‘Kay then, maybe you’ll be mine instead.

------

Grid: Analysis suggests you will not survive.

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Grid: My calculations are never wrong

Vs. Deadshot

The Coon: So someone put a price on The Coon?

Deadshot: I’ll admit, my jaw dropped at seeing those digits.

The Coon: (laughs amusingly) Now I know this world’s scared of me….

-----

Deadshot: Those comics ever tell you how many raccoons I’ve bagged?

The Coon: (slightly nervous) Something tells me I made a mistake…

Deadshot: One king-size coonskin cap coming right up….

Vs. Doctor Fate

The Coon: Sweet helmet, it’s mine now.

Doctor Fate: You would corrupt its power.

The Coon: With your Lords supporting Brainiac? How could I do worse?

------

Doctor Fate: You bring death and misery!

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Doctor Fate: Begone from this Earth!

-------

Doctor Fate: The Lords know your fate.

The Coon: Like what? Your helmet on my head?

Doctor Fate: Your head will be all you’ll have left.

Vs. Firestorm

The Coon: I KNEW I forgot something when I came here.

Firestorm: The weeping angel on your shoulder?

The Coon: Nope, just marshmellows.

------

Firestorm: I’m almost tempted to turn you into paper.

The Coon: Wait, what?

Firestorm: you’ve always looked better flat.

 Vs. The Flash (Barry Allen)

The Coon: Would you believe I taught the New Kid how to be as fast as you?

The Flash: Yeah… I don’t think so.

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

-------

The Flash: I came back to set things right.

The Coon: The Coon’s got this covered.

The Flash: “I said ‘set things right’ not make things worse” or “You make it so easy to hit you!”

Vs. Jay Garrick

Jay Garrick: The blind pursuit of power leads only to ruin.

The Coon: I wouldn’t call it a ‘blind persuit’.

Jay Garrick: If you’d let me, I could help you….

------

The Coon: Nice helmet, it’s mine now.

Jay Garrick: I think you’re getting ahead of yourself, Eric.

The Coon: Nah, I’m getting a new popcorn bowl.

Vs. Reverse-Flash

Reverse-Flash: If it isn't the freak of the week?

The Coon: (scoffs) Like you’re any better than me.

Reverse-Flash: (peeved over being mocked) I’ll enjoy bringing your corpse to your mom.

------

The Coon: (condescendingly) You’re looking a little pale, Thawne.

Reverse-Flash: You’re no legend, I should know….

The Coon: Maybe I’ll be one once I fillet you!

Vs. Gorilla Grodd

Gorilla Grodd: There's a place for you in the Society.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Gorilla Grodd: Your fellow humans would disagree.

------

The Coon: Shouldn’t you be in a zoo?

Gorilla Grodd: Shouldn’t you be sitting on a couch fattening yourself?

The Coon: (grins) Well, suddenly I’m thinking your pelt would look sweet on my couch.

 Vs. Green Arrow

The Coon: I saw you on the CW once.

Green Arrow: Excuse me?

The Coon: Just know I’ll say hi to Felicity for you….after I cut you!

------

Green Arrow: You sure this is your smartest play?

The Coon: The Coon’s got this covered.

Green Arrow: It’s okay, stupidity should be painful.

 Vs. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)

The Coon: So what the hell do you want?

Hal Jordon: I’m bringing you in, one way or another.

The Coon: The Coon’s gonna snuff out your light then!

------

Hal Jordan: Something funny?

The Coon: Two words; Ryan Reynolds.

Hal Jordan: Let the record show, you asked for it!

 Vs. Green Lantern (John Stewart)

The Coon: Shouldn’t you be making jokes about the Republican Party?

John Stewart: Wrong John Stewart, kid.

The Coon: Damn, that was the only joke I had on you…

------

John Stewart: Cool off before this gets out of hand.

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes!

John Stewart: We don’t need your ‘help’ Cartman.

 Vs. Harley Quinn

The Coon: Well, if it isn’t the biggest insult to canon.

Harley Quinn: Try to make more sense, ‘kay, hun?

The Coon: Don’t worry, it won’t matter in a sec.

-----

Harley Quinn: Batman says you’re coming with me!

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Harley Quinn: Patient is clearly delusional.

Vs. The Joker

The Coon: What the hell? I was told you were dead!

The Joker: You’re not from around here either.

The Coon: Just means I can get away with shredding you.

------

The Joker: We have more in common than you’d care to admit.

The Coon: (surprisingly agrees) except I don’t see gain in nuking a city… unless it’s full of hippies.

The Joker: (surprised) huh… touché I guess…

-------

The Joker: Wow, Parent Chili… why haven’t I thought of that?

The Coon: Ya know, somehow your approval makes me sick.

The Joker: Oh don’t worry, I’m now pondering who to serve Coon-flavored meatloaf to….

 Vs. Poison Ivy

The Coon: Tell you what, give up and I won’t set any forests ablaze.

Poison Ivy: what makes you think you’d get that chance, little boy?

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

------

Poison Ivy: You’re too dangerous.

The Coon: (scoffs) Like you’re any better than me.

Poison Ivy: Young, dumb, and ready to die.

Vs. Robin

The Coon: Time I fight the king of sidekicks.

Robin: I don’t play sidekick or victim.

The Coon: “then you’ll be playing a corpse!” or “That attitude is why you’ll never be a good as yer daddy.”

------

The Coon: In a small way, you remind me of my student.

Robin: (scoffs) you have some wisdom to share?

The Coon: “(disgusted towards Damian) none that you deserve, ass-for-brains.” Or “You’re street-slime compared to Butthole.”

-------

Robin: Should I kill you, or cripple you?

The Coon: Better question is; should I cut off your arms, or your legs with your own sword?

Robin: And people moan about my ego….

Vs. Scarecrow

The Coon: Ya know, I’ve a history of scaring people too.

Scarecrow: And yet your efforts are driven by your own fears.

The Coon: I hear the same can be said for you, Crane!

------

Scarecrow: So many curious fears The Coon has…..

The Coon: (slightly nervous) Something tells me I made a mistake…

Scarecrow: You’ll experience them all at once!

Vs. Supergirl

The Coon: The Coon’s here to claw at injustice!

Supergirl: This sure is a funny way to show it.

The Coon: I hear your cousin might disagree.

-------

Supergirl: How can you hurt so many people?

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes!

Supergirl: That’s not how it looks to me.

Vs. Power Girl

The Coon: Supergirl? How the hell did you grow that fast?

Power Girl: Nope, I'm Karen Starr of Earth-2.

The Coon: (groans) Now that’s not fair, at least not for me!

------

Power Girl: Time for me to do some pest control!

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Power Girl: There’s gonna be a juvie cell with your name it, kid.

Vs. Superman

The Coon: Well, if it isn’t the biggest insult to canon.

Superman: Who are you to judge me?

The Coon: Someone who’ll be taking your job from you.

------

The Coon: I have kryptonite ring claws as a Gear option.

Superman: Or maybe you’re bluffing?

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

------

Superman: Why are you on my earth?

The Coon: Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.

Superman: My fists have a better idea.

------

Superman: This won’t be a fair fight.

The Coon: I see health bars above us that say otherwise.

Superman: Forget I said anything….

Vs. Bizarro

The Coon: I was gonna claw your face, but looks like someone beat me to it.

Bizarro: Am you trying insult Bizarro?

The Coon: Ha! you’ll wish that was all I was doing.

------

Bizarro: Fluffy critter make good pillow.

The Coon:  (slightly nervous) Something tells me I made a mistake…

Bizarro: Ah! Me must stuff you first!

Vs. Swamp Thing

The Coon: So I’m fighting a hippie monster. Sweet!

Swamp Thing: Your mockery is wasted, child.

The Coon: Ha! You’ll wish that was all I was doing.

-------

Swamp Thing: You have offended nature.

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Swamp Thing: The Green will humble you.

Vs. Wonder Woman

The Coon: Prepare to get Cooned.

Wonder Woman: You face a goddess of war.

The Coon: Time to put Coon on top of the food chain.

------

Wonder Woman: You’ll hurt people if I let you go.

The Coon: (scoffs) Like you’re any better than me.

Wonder Woman: “This insult will not stand!” or “A shame you will die so young.”

 Vs. Darkseid

The Coon: Prepare to get Cooned.

Darkseid: (dismissively) Let my parademons deal with this..

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

------

Darkseid: Even by Earth's standards, you are pathetic.

The Coon: Ha! You don’t know me that well, do you?

Darkseid: Your vanity will be your undoing.

----

The Coon: Prepare to get Cooned.

Darkseid: You are challenging a god, fool.

The Coon: Sweet! Dibs on Apokolips if I win!

Vs. Red Hood

The Coon: I thought you’d be in favor of me clawing at crime.

Red Hood: I know you only fight for yourself, fatso.

The Coon: Just for that, I’ll be sending you to Batman in a pitcher!

--------

Red Hood: Now this is just bizarre!

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes.

Red Hood: Maybe consider a new line of work.

Vs. Starfire

The Coon: So is there any chance I could join the Titans?

Starfire: I’m extending the offer to all the other Freedom Pals, but you’re not on the list, Coon.

The Coon: Just for that, I’ll be sending you to Batman in a pitcher!

-----

Starfire: How can you justify what you've done?

The Coon: “You’re looking at a new take on superheroes.” Or “Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.”

Starfire: Think. Where has materialism gotten you?

-----

The Coon: Okay! Where the hell did you take Butthole?

Starfire: The New Kid is with the Titans now, Eric.

The Coon: (angrily) MOTHERFUCKER!

Vs. Sub-Zero

The Coon: Okay! Where the hell did you take Butthole?

Sub-Zero: Dovahkiin is now a student of the Lin Kuei.

The Coon: I’ll just have to claw you into giving them back!

------

Sub-Zero: I now know the villain you truly are.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Sub-Zero: For the safety of all, you will die.

------

The Coon: You’ll either be dead or crapping your pants when I’m done.

Sub-Zero: To think so demonstrates your ignorance.

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

-----

Sub-Zero: Your former protégé told me of your crimes against them.

The Coon: What crimes?

Sub-Zero: “On their behalf, I’ll see you face justice.” Or “None of your deceptions will work on me.”

Vs. Black Manta

The Coon: Nice helmet, it’s mine now.

Black Manta: Assuming I don’t fry the fat off of you.

The Coon: Time to put Coon on top of the food chain.

------

Black Manta: You’re out of your element.

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Black Manta: This is a waste of my time.

Vs. Raiden

The Coon: Okay! Where the hell did you take Butthole?

Raiden: Your former student is now training with the White Lotus.

The Coon: (angrily) MOTHERFUCKER!

------

Raiden: Your pretensions to honor do not fool me!

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes.

Raiden: “Dovahkiin was wise to break from your influence!” or “To the Netherrealm with you!”

-------

The Coon: Make way for The Coon.

Raiden: The Elder Gods will stand against you.

The Coon: Time to put Coon on top of the food chain.

-------

Raiden: You are dirty beast befouling this realm!

The Coon: Uhhh…. you’re taking my raccoon theme a bit too literally, Raiden.

Raiden: Not even the Elder Gods can rehabilitate you!

Vs. Black Lightning

The Coon: The Coon’s here to claw at injustice!

Black Lightning: You're street slime with delusions of grandeur.

The Coon: Just for that, I’ll be sending you to Batman in a pitcher!

-------

Black Lightning: It’s a shame Mr. Garrison was a subpar teacher.

The Coon: You’ll get no argument from me, he’s always been an asshole.

Black Lightning: That’s why I fight ignorance.

------

Black Lightning: Ever regret the pain you cause?

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Black Lightning: “That’s what’s called an ‘alternative fact.’” Or “This time, you’re gonna listen.”

Vs. Hellboy

The Coon: Would you believe I once helped stop the apocalypse by swearing?

Hellboy: Yeah, I saw that movie. Liked you better on screen by the way.

The Coon: (surprised….) Wait… (….then excited) I got a movie?

----

Hellboy: Y'know, fighting kids isn't my thing.

The Coon: Now there’s a headline; “The Coon scares the devil!”

Hellboy: Geez what an ego……

Vs. Atom

The Coon: So it’s the Coon versus…. what exactly?

The Atom: Just a PhD candidate with a quantum bio-belt!

The Coon: (chuckles) Ever hear what usually happens to nerds who cross me?

-------

The Atom: At school, I never liked big bullies.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

The Atom: I have a Hulu subscription that’s told me otherwise.

Vs. Enchantress

The Coon: Now I’ve been hoping for a chance to kick your ass!

Enchantress: Quite adorable that you think you can win.

The Coon: Consider this payback for the suck-ass movie you appeared in.

------

Enchantress (June): Son of a.. this can’t be happening!

The Coon: ah ha! a chance to kill you before you transform!

Enchantress: Too little too late for that, little boy!

Vs. Leonardo

Leonardo: You’re rarely a fighter, Cartman, why would you come here?

The Coon: Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.

Leonardo: That just spells disaster for every Earth, even yours.

------

Leonardo: So tell me, what did the New Kid ever see in you?

The Coon: (grins with slight genuine sincerity) they saw someone who respected their potential. Not even their parents did that.

Leonardo: Bet they’d like training under Master Splinter better.

------

The Coon: You know, I’ve always wanted to try Turtle Soup.

Leonardo: You won’t flip this turtle on his shell.

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

--------

The Coon: Ok, I KNOW you’re not from around here.

Leonardo: Just as much of a tourist as you are, dude.

The Coon: Just means I can get away with shredding you.

--------

Vs. Michelangelo

The Coon: You know, I’ve always wanted to try Turtle Soup.

Michelangelo: You’ll be rage-quitting in a heartbeat.

The Coon: Ha! Raph wishes he rages like I do!

--------

Michelangelo: Just so you know, I’ve played your games AND watched your show.

The Coon: Show? games? How come no one told me I had those?

Michelangelo: Let’s just say you’re gonna wish you were fighting Kenny.

---------

Vs. Raphael

The Coon: You know, I’ve always wanted to try Turtle Soup.

Raphael: Your head will crack before my shell does.

The Coon: Shredder’s got nothing on The Coon.

-------

Raphael: (chuckles) And people say I got anger issues

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Raphael: I fought Purple Dragons who were tougher than you, Eric.

Vs. Donatello

The Coon: Never thought I’d go from watching you on TV to fighting you and your bros.

Donatello: Unlike coding, this’ll be easy.

The Coon: (chuckles) Ever hear what usually happens to nerds who cross me? 

--------

Donatello: I’ve got a theory as to why you fight.

The Coon: Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.

Donatello: I can’t let that stand.

 Mirror Match Intros

Player 1 Coon: Are you my parallel universe self?

Player 2 Coon: Maybe I am, and maybe I’m here to be a better teacher to the New Kid.

Player 1 Coon: Just means I can get away with shredding you.

------

Player 2 Coon: How the hell can there be two of us?

Player 1 Coon: I’m sure as hell not sharing Brainiac’s ship with you!

Player 2 Coon: Don’t worry, it won’t matter in a sec.

[professor-doc-emeritus]

injustice, in terms of a standalone story, is really good. there are some weird quirks in it that are obviously a result of it being a video game story, such as superman developing pills that bring normal humans to full power, and some story turns that really only see to let the player play with the full roster. But for the most part it’s an entertaining, modern take on classics like “crisis on earth 3,″ and the justice lord saga. 

But as an ongoing comic title? as a universe unto itself? it just doesn’t work. So much about this world makes no sense. ignoring the obvious fact that no mainstream incarnation of superman would go that rogues that quickly, about half the justice league is out of character. I know next to nothing about wonder woman outside of her movie, but even i could tell she’s portrayed horribly. The flash joining superman doesn’t make any sense, and hal becoming a yellow lantern was a neat idea for a mirror match alternate skin, but doesn’t make sense from a character standpoint.

Here’s the main problem with the injusitce comics: their biggest strength is the shock of seeing something like superman putting a fist through the jokers chest. But in order to justify the characters actions from a narrative standpoint, so much has to be changed about the universe that by the end of it, those aren’t ths i know and love doing those crazy evil things. It’s easy to handwave things like hal joining the sinestro corps, or wonder woman being such a butthole in a single story by saying it happened in ‘five years,’ but when you’re actually seeing it happen in a story,the level to which it violates the fundamental logic of the main dc world shatters your suspension of disbelief.

the easiest thing in the world is to criticize an elseworld comic for weird or inconsistent continuity, so i’ll keep it to a minimum. But one of the things that makes the injustice world weird is the idea of lex ‘never indulging in crime.’ in the main story that works fine, it shows just one of the weird little quirks of the world and opens up lex as a playable character. but with the amount of superman mythos injustice uses, it throws a wrench in things, since an antagonistic lex is directly or indirectly responsible for everything from parasite to superboy to superman knowing he’s kryptonian. Theres a lot of who and what superman is to pretty much everyone that doesn’t happen without lex, so it just makes you quesiton why the fuck these characters are here.

but my main problem with injustice is the killings. a characters absence in the video game created a sort of fridge horror effect, where you realized that it implied they probably got killed. But having to sit through each and every one of those deaths is fucking brutal. every interesting green lantern not named hal jordan, dick grayson, the titans, it’s miserable. you know where it’s goign, you know thae status quo we have to reach, the entire comic is just a trudge towards that eventuality, mired by death and moral degeneracy every step of the way. the injustice comics are depressing, and that’s why im not gonna read them. 

[tessatechaitea]

Darkstars #4

Hey hey! It's the Nineties!

I sometimes wonder how people into fashion and fashion history can look at some item of clothing and know exactly when it was created. Same with experts on music and visual art and poetry. But then I realize that even though I'm hardly an expert, I could probably do a fairly decent job of looking at comic book art and guessing what era it was from. I'm sure if I studied a bit, I'd be excellent at it considering I've done so much pre-course work due to my comic book hobby. The only really difficult part would be guessing art from artists who have really long careers and their style doesn't change a great deal. Like maybe somebody like Curt Swan, you'd be able to guess when he started and maybe a decade or so after as his form improved. But at some point, Curt Swan is just fucking Curt Swan for, like, decades! So I'd probably be terrible at recognizing the minutia that would be the fingerprint of the decade he was working in at the time. What I'm saying is, "This cover looks like if The 90s ate some bad oysters and wound up shitting and vomiting at the same time but got caught in the rotation so neither The 90s mouth or butthole were facing the toilet and the sick just sprayed out of both ends and landed on the cover of Darkstars #4." And that was one of my less tortured metaphors! According to this cover, somebody is still trying to make "The Darkstars" happen. According to next issue's cover, it didn't happen. I knew I was on the right side of history when I refused to use the article! This is the title of this issue:

Imagine how much more exciting George Lucas's movie franchise would have been had he chosen to put an exclamation point at the end of the title. What a tragic loss!

I want my legacy to be, "He wrote a thing that was as good as Lucille Bluth's 'Here's some money. Go see a Star War.'" Evil Star begins destroying a city because he's evil. The star part of his name must be vestigial because he doesn't act like a star. Unless he doesn't mean the astronomical star but the Hollywood star. I guess the tantrum he's throwing because Green Lantern hasn't welcomed him to Earth is quite star-like. I take it back about the "Star" being vestigial but mostly because I was probably using vestigial wrong. And if I was, just know I was using it metaphorically which means you can't criticize me for using it wrong. Evil Star calls Green Lantern "the green coward." In the last three issues, no character has actually said "Green Lantern." It's like when a star on a game show is from a show on another network, they don't mention the network because it's their rival. Although they do sometimes. I think it was probably a certain time where nobody would mention the competitors. Probably the 80s. And since I don't know as much as I thought I knew before I started typing this crap, maybe I should have stuck with the analogy of how Marvel and DC always refer to each other as "the competitor." Unless it's another word that's a synonym for competitor. See, I don't know much about that either! The Eee! Tess Ate Chai Guarantee: "I might sound like I know everything but I'll readily admit to you when I absolutely know nothing (but only if called on it and can't deflect the accusation)." Some cops pull up to stop Evil Star and one cop is all, "I'll show you power, jerko!" And the other cop is all, "No, don't!" Not because he's against lethal force but because he realizes Evil Star has even more lethaler force, a lesson the cop learns for himself rather quickly.

I'm not saying I cheered at this panel because that would open me up to a bunch of criticism from online jerks who don't understand fiction, satire, or hyperbole.

So with the cops dead, it's up to Darkstar and his sidekicks (one of which is a cop) to stop Evil Star! Unless Green Lantern suddenly appears but I think he's not allowed to show his face in this comic book and/or he's busy becoming Parallax. So there's this big comic book fight and it's a lot like every other comic book fight you've ever read. Which really makes you wonder why some comic book fans only want to read comic books where there are big fights. Why would you want to read the same thing over and over again?! Some people just like to look at the different outfits, I guess. Anyway, I'm not going to describe the fight blow-by-blow. Y'all know how these things work! The good guys get beat up for awhile and maybe defeated after which the bad guy flees instead of killing them. Or the good guys get beat up for awhile before digging deep and defeating the bad guy. It all depends on how many issues the story is set to run. And since I think this story is over this issue, the fight will be of the latter sort.

I'm not saying, after looking at this panel, I subsequently wrote a fan-fic story that went into way too much detail describing Colos's cock and how Detective Beer-Guzzles' mustache felt rubbing against the thick, pink skin because that would open me up to a bunch of fan-fic writers who would try to befriend me so we could swap dirty stories.

Meanwhile, Carla White learns that you can't quit family. Or mob bosses.

He's from America. Another thing you learn in America: if somebody doesn't respond to you being polite, you have every right to become a violent asshole. It's the major defense on Judge Judy. "Yes, your Honor, I smashed up her car. But she wouldn't move it when I asked her politely to move it for no reason at all except that I wanted to park there!"

Evil Star retreats to a junk yard to engage in an existential crisis. Why is he evil? Why does he do bad things? Why does everything have to die? I mean, on a metaphorical level and not on an evolutionary level where death drives evolution, creating room for offspring more and more capable than the parent of living in specific environments through the recombining of different genes and sometimes through lucky mutations. Darkstar feels like it's a good time to wait and see what Evil Star winds up doing but Detective Mustardstache has a better idea: beat the living crap out of him and maybe kill him if he gives him any fucking excuse at all! Detective Darkstar gets his ass kicked by the Starlings and Darkstar has to rush in to save him. They then retreat to observe Evil Star.

Every right winger on Twitter who thinks they're the greatest debater since some famous person who could debate well. Napoleon, maybe?

Detective Pork-chops-as-an-appetizer apologizes for getting carried away. Notice how Homeless Mo didn't get carried away and try to kill the perp even though he hasn't had nearly as much training as the cop? Carla was kidnapped by her ex-client, the guy being used by the aliens to run the Loco drug ring. Kidnapping a lawyer seems like a bad idea. I mean, kidnapping anybody seems like a bad idea but kidnapping a lawyer seems like it would have extra consequences. I used to do cabinet work for my cousin's cousin David. He was a train wreck of a human being but he did good cabinet work. At one point in his life, he had a lawyer working on his DUI case to try to get it dropped and he was juggling his bills. His solution was to bounce a check to the lawyer. I don't know how that all worked out because I tried not to work with him too much (only enough to pay for comic books, really) but I'm assuming his lawyer decided not to argue the charge down and David wound up in jail.

This is the argument of everybody who has ever kept the world from becoming a better place.

Carla refuses to keep working for the mob boss so now he probably has to kill her or else he's facing kidnapping charges which are as bad as murder charges. Which seems like a bit of a mistake, in my opinion. I mean, sure, you want kidnapping to have a steep punishment. But if kidnapping is equal to murder, every kidnapper is just going to murder the person they kidnapped because it does away with the main witness. I guess the point is that people that wouldn't murder won't kidnap either because the penalty is so great. But if somebody is kidnapping somebody and the penalty were only a year in prison, they'd still probably murder that person in the hopes of getting away with it and not having to spend a year in prison. Darkstar, using his super computer on his ship orbiting Earth, learns that Evil Star's mind shackle that keeps him from turning into Evil Star is on the fritz. So he's occasionally feeling like a genocidal maniac while mostly just feeling scared and guilty about his terrible thoughts. To stop him, Darkstar inundates him with images of all the people he killed on his home planet. I guess Evil Star was the original Lobo, committing planet-wide genocide.

Earlier I mentioned how he laughed while his wife and son died not because I'd read ahead but because, probably like the author of this story, I read the Who's Who entry on Evil Star.

Evil Star collapses from the guilt and Darkstar takes him into custody. He encases the Starlings in scrap metal and, I don't know, sells them at a yard sale. Carla gets extra-kidnapped by the mob boss whose name I probably should have learned four issues in. Darkstars #4 Rating: B+. This issue was better than the previous three but I can't explain why. Maybe because there was a super villain and most probably not because some cops died and the other cop got harshly reprimanded for immediately resorting to violence. The Darkstar Colos has turned out to be far more diplomatic than I was expecting. I wouldn't have guessed that Hal Jordan was more temperamental than some testicle-headed alien in a 90s costume called Darkstar.