#but i am excited to finally feel unburdened and i can really be the person i know im capable of being

[newfeeling77]

im making healthier choices for my brain every day. for my body thats another story

[cavehags]

hey chell! as the only person who’s soccer show opinions I actually trust, how do you want it to end? like do you have an ideal season 3 & finale (at least like big plot points)?

ahh thank you for this question! i don't think i want anything that's too out there or unrealistic, and i think i'm following the bread crumbs the show is dropping toward the ending.

i'd like to see ted really buckle down on doing his job, the whole thing - respecting the game enough to seriously invest in developing a strategy and helping his players thrive personally and interpersonally. parallel to that, we should see keeley starting her journey to be the ted at her own place of work, teaching her conveniently robotic colleagues to care about each other. both ted and keeley can come to understand themselves and their needs a little better by letting their work come first for a little while. i have every faith that after some time spent concentrating on what they can each bring to the lives of their colleagues, they'll figure out what they need themselves and where they need to be. for ted, that means deciding to pack up shop at the end of the season and return home to kansas to parent his child. by contrast, keeley doesn't need to do all that much soul-searching, because she doesn't have flaws she needs to work on or a mistake she needs to make right. but in my dream season 3, she does battle with something - an insecurity or a hard family relationship - and emerge stronger on the other side of it.

another person who needs some career triumphs is sam! this season i want to see sam come into his own as a leader. this story with zava is a great opportunity to see sam take a stand against petty diva bullshit and shut that shit down. i feel like he's the heart of richmond or at least of the players, so if someone's behaving badly, i think sam has the moral character to stand up against it. or if not that, then truthfully i'm here for any sam storyline because i love seeing sam feel feelings and say words. especially so if he takes his shirt off sometimes.

for rebecca - i loved that this week's episode gave us a glimpse at rebecca's past and how her relationship with rupert began. she has every right to want to burn his world down, and i'd love to see her make some really brutal choices that properly hurt him this season. keeley said that she needs to let rupert be rupert, like a "live and let live" thing, but i don't completely agree with that - i want to let rebecca get some punches in first before she withdraws from this fight. but by the end of the season, i am looking forward to rebecca continuing her life out of rupert's shadow, unburdened by the desire to compete with him. i also hope hannah waddingham gets to sing again.

nate has a lot of soul-searching to do and his story arc is the one i'm most excited to be surprised by. with him, just like rebecca, i think it's going to get worse before it gets better. but i want to see him face the fact that he's an unhappy person and choose to change that by bringing love and support into his life. not romantic love. but he can start to make his apologies to people he's hurt like ted and keeley and maybe build some friendships with new characters who can make him feel appreciated.

roy has a LOT of demons to battle this season. by breaking up with keeley when there was literally no narrative reason for it, roy showed that he still doesn't believe he deserves love. keeley made the difference between his suicidal husk of a life in season one and the passion he's felt while coaching. so this season needs to feature roy gradually starting to hear and accept that he's a good man. that arc is going to wreck me, because i find his self-hatred devastating and uncomfortably relatable. so he can spend time absorbing love from phoebe and jamie and maybe his new buddies trent and will, and then with luck, he'll come to value himself. and then he needs to get back to keeley. i also wouldn't say no if he wants to open his relationship to include jamie along the way.

my final wishes are: let sam take his shirt off, let roy and jamie fuck nasty, let bex see what rupert is doing to her and break away from him, let michelle be happy with this new guy in her life who might actually be what she's needed, let trent spend a lot of time on screen saying funny things, let sassy get laid, and delete colin from the edit -- it's not too late!

[idw-sonic-fan-blog]

Sonic the Hedgehog #47 aka honestly I am just here for Tangle

I never got to express how much I love Tangle before so I guess I’d use this issue to do so as she is the only reason I even care about this arc.

Tangle is based off of one of the scrapped designs of Sonic the Hedgehog while Sega was designing what should be their first mascot. Tangle didn’t make the cut and Sonic the Hedgehog did and the rest is history. So Tangle is like an unrealized Sonic the Hedgehog who is finally getting her chance to be a hero that she never got to chance to be. Hence why she is a lot like Sonic except unburdened with the seriousness of being a globally recognized hero.

She is just happy to be here.

And her unwavering optimism mixed with inexperience and eagerness makes the character for her. I love her because she is a less antagonistic foil to Sonic than say Knuckles or Shadow. When Tangle is involved, it’s like you are growing up with Sonic again versus having grown with him already.

Tangle never lets anything get her down nor does she let anything get her friends down. She is the walking bit of levity in this fandom that we forgot. She is just here having a good time no matter what, man. She is excited to leave her purgatory to just experience Sonic the Hedgehog and honestly we should too.

Every panel Tangle is in inspires hope and positivity. She never doubts herself and that’s just refreshing.

Anyways, time to lay off of the character gushing and just actually review this comic since it’s been awhile since I posted and Imposter Syndrome #2 ain’t coming out until next month.

The whole picnic arc functions as an arc dealing with uncertainty and direction of the characters involved. Amy is not sure what role she can serve now that she is not the leader of the Restoration and is wondering if she made the wrong move passing the leadership to Jewel so hastily. Jewel is wondering if she is even fit to lead or head the Restoration as she doesn’t have any combat experience or actual hero credentials. Tangle has been wondering if there isn’t more that she can do as she feels stifled by her limited role in the Restoration. And last and certainly the character that I care about the least, Belle feels that she is without a purpose in a Restoration that doesn’t trust her and father who no longer is the person she knew.

The picnic arc is essentially a validation and course correcting arc for these 4 characters that would normally would be happening in the background. The Picnic arc feels inconsequential if you don’t care about the resolutions of these characters.

Amy feels like she was able to properly pass the torch to Jewel by instilling confidence in her ability. Jewel finally was able to lead and take charge while leading an effort that essentially saved lives, the forest, and the day. Tangle finds a purpose that intertwined with her desire to be an adventurer and hero that isn’t shackled to an organization needing stability. And Belle finds a purpose in rehabilitating badniks just like her and helping them shed their own programming.

Again, this means nothing if you don’t really care about the direction or resolution of these characters. And that’s fine.

The picnic arc is a nice break in the tension even if it is somewhat wholly inconsequential in the grand scheme of the story. Or maybe it isn’t.

Would I go back to this? Hell no. I desperately am begging writers to have more of an imagination towards fun. I’d preferred to follow Whisper in her hunt for Mimic than read this. Or create a problem on Angel Island so we can get Knuckles involved again. Or have Sonic actively pursue Starline. Because that’s more fun and engaging. But it is what is.

It’s a nice break but not necessary to read.

[vintagevalentinex]

Valentine

I had this idea for a Castiel/Reader story in my head, and I’ll probably reblog it on Valentine’s Day, but I couldn’t help but post it now.  Special shout out to @icecream-and-winchesters for letting me pick her brain!  This is the fluffiest fluff to ever fluff.

@icecream-and-winchesters @crazykins123 @theerinpage @bovaria @abaddonwithyall @ohfora67impala @bkwrm523 @maraisabellegrey @kittenofdoomage @spnfanficpond @aprofoundbondwithdean @castielspahdehrah  @stephizzle94

Title: Valentine Author: vintagevalentinexx Words: ~2800 Pairing: (Castiel x Reader) Warnings: Major FLUFF.

It was that time of year again.  

Being a hunter always made relationships particularly difficult.  The thought of being single and alone was just another part of “the job.”  The hunter life wasn’t typically one you shared with another person and you were quite content with that.  You had made your peace with it a long time ago.

That is, until those tall buffoons stumbled into your life.

You could remember it clearly.  It was a couple of years ago and you were trying to hustle your way through a couple games of pool to get some quick cash.  You saw them as they entered the bar.  They were tall and built strong.  They looked so sure of themselves as they walked over to the bar, ordering as they scanned the room.  You smiled to yourself, thinking they would make two easy marks for some quick cash, with the added bonus of them being easy on the eyes.

After two games of pool (one won by you, the other won by the one with the green eyes), you were starting to realize that maybe these boys were better than you had pegged them to be. I will not be out hustled.  You flashed them a smile, leaning over the pool table, your grin growing wider when you noticed the one with the green eyes couldn’t stop looking at your cleavage.

“So what are your names anyway?  It would be nice to know the names of the guys whose money I’m going to win…”

The man with the green eyes and the other one who was ridiculously tall shared a look, turning their gaze back to you, smirking.  The taller man spoke first.

“Winchester.  I’m Sam, he’s Dean.”  He jerked his head toward his brother.

You gasped in recognition, throwing your pool stick onto the table.  Rolling your eyes you spoke.  “Hunters.  Damn it, I should have known.  I guess we should just call it even then?”

They broke out into laughter and offered you a drink.

You quickly learned how amazing the Winchesters were, however, for you at least, they paled in comparison to the angel of the Lord with the blue eyes. You had tagged along on a simple salt and burn with the brothers (you quickly learned that nothing was simple when it came to the both of them).  It had turned out to be a full on demon swarm that was nearly overpowering the three of you.  You had been knocked onto your ass, flinching for the impact of a blow when you saw an almost blinding light, having to shield your eyes from the intensity.  When you were finally able to open your eyes, you were met with her most beautiful blue eyes you had ever seen.  

The moment was ruined when you could hear Sam and Dean screaming for you, breathing a sigh of relief when their gaze fell upon the blue-eyed stranger.

“Cas!  It’s about damn time you got here!  (Y/N) looks like hell!  Fix her up, would ya?”  Dean grumbled.

Cas.  Cas is his name?  How did he get here?  How did he know to get here?

You looked up at “Cas,” his lips quirking into a ghost of a smile as he knelt down to be eye level with you.

“Hello, (Y/N).”

“……umm, hi….”

“I am Castiel.  I am an angel of the Lord.  You can call me ‘Cas.’  That is the name that Sam and Dean have chosen to call me…”

“…ummm okay.”  You cough, your hand covering your mouth.  As you move your hand away from your mouth, you can see that you’ve coughed up some blood.  You let out a bitter snigger.  “I guess that demon got me better than I thought…”

You made to move up when Cas put a hand on your shoulder, keeping you still.  With his other hand he pressed two fingers to your forehead, all of the pain and the aches soothed away with a single touch.  You felt nothing but warmth as your eyes found the blue ones again, feeling the heat coming to your cheeks as Cas helped you to your feet.

“Thank you, Castiel.”

“It is no trouble, (Y/N).”

“Alright lovebirds, stop making goo goo eyes at each other.  Can we go now?”

Dean continued to groan as you felt your cheeks heat up even more, red from your ears to your neck as you stormed out of the abandoned warehouse, shoving past Sam and Dean, who wore matching smirks.  Cas looked on, concerned and curious.

“Dean, is she well?  Does she perhaps have a fever?”

“Nah, man.  She’s got somethin’ else pretty bad though…”  Dean laughed, sharing a knowing look with Sam.

“Should I follow after her?  Perhaps I didn’t heal her completely.”

“It’s something you can’t heal, buddy.”

As you stomped towards the Impala, you couldn’t get those words out of your mind.  It was no trouble.  You smiled a little to yourself as you slid into the backseat of the car.  You didn’t know it at the time, but those four words would become the most beautiful arrangement of letters you’d ever heard.

Cas became more and more of a facet in your life, always seemingly being there whenever you needed help or company.  His visits with the Winchesters became more frequent and seemingly unnecessary.  Dean was starting to get really confused.

Cas why are you here? I thought you called for me. No, man…

Cas…didn’t you just leave like 15 minutes ago? I thought you could use some assistance. With eating? Yes.

Cas…seriously… I am sorry, Dean…I thought that I heard you faintly praying to me… While I’m sitting on the god damn toilet? In retrospect, that seems to have been a mistake…

Dean shuffled into the library in one of the dead man’s robes, finally drinking coffee.  That was definitely not the way he wanted to be woken up on a Monday morning.  Or at all for that matter.  Cas was getting weirder and weirder and damn it if he wasn’t going to find out why.  He rolled his eyes as he saw Cas sitting in the library with Sam, trying to figure something out in the lore.

“Damn it Cas, what has been your problem lately?  You seem real squirrely…”

“I do not know what you are talking about, Dean…and I also do not understand how I could ever resemble a rodent such as a squirrel…”

Dean rolled his eyes, taking another needed swig of coffee.  It was going to be a long day. “Cas…I’m not even going to start with why that makes no sense but—“

“Morning guys!” You called out. You felt quite chipper this morning.  You were getting some of the best sleep you’ve ever had in probably…ever.  You scanned the room, seeing Sam hard at work already, Dean grumping about like he usually did in the morning, and…oh.

“Good morning Cas!”

“Good morning, (Y/N).  I take it you slept well…”

Dean snaps his head to look at the exchange between the both of you with a smug, shit-eating grin on his face.  I get it now…

Loud yelling brings you out of your daydreaming.  You weren’t really excited for today.  You were hoping that the day would go quickly, and that you wouldn’t see any lovey dovey couples, but you knew that your thoughts were futile.

It was Valentine’s Day.

Normally, this wouldn’t bother you at all, but since the appearance of the blue eyed angel, you couldn’t help but let your thoughts constantly drift to him.  From the moment you met him you knew that he was righteous and brave, but over the weeks and months you began to realize how so inherently good he was.  He was a loyal friend, almost to a fault, and would do anything to make sure the ones he cared about were safe.  And at times that included you.  He had saved you a few times over the months and you were infinitely thankful for him in your life.  When Sam and Dean told you more about how Cas basically sacrificed everything he ever knew and cared about in heaven to protect the people on Earth, it blew you away; his selflessness continuing to amaze you.  He was a good man…er…angel…and you hoped someday that you could have someone in your life that could be even a fraction as good as he was.

You sighed heavily, dragging the Chinese food you picked up while the boys continued their research in the motel room you were sharing for the job you were on.  You quirked an eyebrow as you listened in on the yelling that was occurring on the other side of the door.

“Cas…what the hell is in the cooler?!”

"Well Dean, you told me to give (Y/N) a heart for Valentine’s Day…”

You nearly gapsed.  Cas wanted to give you something for Valentine’s Day?  Maybe he didn’t know what it meant to be someone’s Valentine…

“Cas I swear if there is an actual heart in there…”

“You don’t need to swear; there is a heart in the cooler…I wasn’t sure what kind of heart to get…you didn’t say.  I thought it would be most appropriate to get a human heart because well…(Y/N)’s a human…”

You face palmed, holding back a torrent of giggles and you could nearly feel Dean getting more and more frustrated.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  Where did you get a freaking human heart, Cas?!  Are you kidding right now!?”

“I thought it was customary—“

“Oh just wait ‘till Sam gets back.  This is great.  Just great, man.”

“Dean, I—“

“Man…seriously…get rid of it.  She’s not gonna want it.”

“Are you positive?”

“Am I—just GET RID OF IT CAS!”

You figured this was probably a good time to announce your presence.  You called through the door.  “Hey guys!  Mind helping me open the door?  My arms are full!”

You heard the flutter of wings and a rush of air as you turned around, Cas standing way too close as your cheeks heated up.  He smiled sheepishly at you as he helped unburden your arms, the door swinging open to reveal a smug looking Dean.  

“You know, Cas…the door works just as fine…”

“Yes…yes Dean.  I will make sure to remember that next time…”

You smiled at him as you all piled back into the motel room.  You ate in an awkward silence, Cas watching both you and Dean eat your food.  The tension in the room was thick.  Dean finally stood up, grunting and rolling his eyes at the entire situation.

“Alright…well since this is such a happening place, I’m going to the bar…there’s probably some woman out there who’s lonely today…”

You scoffed.  “Real nice, Winchester…trying to hook up with lonely woman on Valentine’s Day.”

“Hey…at least I’ll be getting some…unlike you!”

Cas interjected.  “Dean, what do you mean, ‘getting some’?  What are you getting some of?”

Dean shook his head, laughing as he ducked out the door.  “Why don’t you fill him in, (Y/N)?”

The both of you sat there in silence for a few brief moments.  You shift, Cas’s attention on you now at the sudden noise.

“Do you mind if I hop in the shower?  It’s been a long day…you don’t have to leave or anything…I’ll just be in the bathroom…”

“Go right ahead, (Y/N)…though I do not understand why you wouldn’t just walk into the shower…but by all means hop right into it!”  He smiled, trying to ease the tension and awkwardness in the room.  You smiled and shook your head at him.  Bless him, he is trying.

“Alright then, I shouldn’t be too long!”

“It is no trouble, (Y/N).”

You grinned, loving when he uttered those words to you as you headed for the bathroom, letting the steam and the hot water soothe your sore muscles.

You stepped out of the shower, feeling new, as you threw your clothes back on.  You stepped back into the main room.

“Hey Cas, I was—“

But he was gone.

You shrugged, getting ready to break out the beer and turn on Netflix for the night when you noticed that you had a voicemail notification on your phone.  You put your phone to your ear, knowing it could be important, and listen to the message.

“Yes…yes I know this is (Y/N)’s phone, that is why I called it.  Yes, I would like to leave a message.  Why are you still talking to me?  This is not your phone!  (Y/N)!?  (Y/N)?!  If you are there please listen to me!  Go to the place where you bought the Chinese food.  It is of great importance.”

And with that the message ended.  Alarmed that something was wrong you swiped Dean’s keys, thankful that he was walking to the bar that night and sped down the road, breaking all kinds of motor vehicle laws as you raced back to the restaurant, ready to gank any creature that stood in your way.  When you finally parked the car, gun in hand, and ready to go, you noticed something flashy in the alleyway.  You stalked quietly and swiftly, ready to strike when you noticed a simple red dress hanging on a hanger on a fire escape.  It had a note pinned to it.

I apologize for making you think the worst, (Y/N), but I fear that this was the only way to get you here.  Please put this on, I’m nearly positive that it will fit, and I’m absolutely certain that it will look beautiful on you.  Please go to local record store and pick out the album that you told me reminded you of me.

You smiled, shaking your head.  You wanted to be mad, but this was way too sweet.  A scavenger hunt?  What was Cas up to?  Your shrugged into the dress (that did fit perfectly…you weren’t sure to be impressed or creeped out), still clad in your converse as you walked into the record store, remembering how you were telling Cas about the song that made you think of him.  Well, it has wings in it and well, you’re an angel so…

Chewing on your lip you entered the record store, searching up and down the aisles until you finally find what you’re looking for.  You pull the record up from its place and see a note taped to it.

I’m glad you found this.  I was so very touched when you played this song for me.  To know that you think of me when I am not near makes me feel things that I have never felt, (Y/N).  It makes me feel things that I didn’t know that I was even capable of feeling, things that I cannot put into words.  Look under the shelf, and put those on.  Go back to the motel room.

Your face flushes as you read the note, ducking down to find a box of beautiful shoes.  You slip them on as you drive back over to the motel, your heart racing as you make yourself get out of the car.  As you walk to the door, your hand shakily makes its way to the knob, hearing the faint sound of music on the other side.  Twisting the knob and pushing the door open, you are greeted by a trenchcoat-less Castiel, still dressed in his suit.  He stands in the middle of the room nervous, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, twirling a single sunflower between his fingers.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, (Y/N).”

You blushed as bright as your dress, gently closing the door behind you.  You nervously walked closer to him as he offered you the flower.  You smiled down at it.

“Thank you Cas, I love sunflowers.”

“They remind me of you.  They are warm and bright.  They remind me of sunshine.  They remind me of your smile.  Though a flower cannot really do you any justice.”

Stepping closer to him, you bashfully looked away.

“I wish I had something to give you, Cas.”

He stepped forward, pulling you in close to himself as he swayed your bodies to the faint music in the background.

“This is all I could ever ask for, (Y/N).  I am not exactly 100% sure on this human custom, but I do believe I must ask you a question.”

“Sure thing, Cas.  What is it?”

He smiled down at you.  “Will you be my Valentine?”

You grinned, nearly giggling, feeling like a schoolgirl as he continued to sway the both of you to the music.

“It is no trouble, Castiel.”

He shared your grin, dancing with you until the wee hours of the morning, the both of you peppering each other’s faces with sweet, tender kisses.

[latent-thoughts]

The Pursuit of a Simple Life (Chapter 5 - HQ)

[Co-Authored with  @emeraldrosequartz​​]

Rating: 18+ (there be lots of citrus here).

Warning: None

Pairing: Loki/Original Female Character

Summary: Three years after returning to Earth with the other Asgardians following Ragnarok, Loki finds himself working for SHIELD, truly just trying to fight the boredom. While on an undercover mission, he unexpectedly begins to fall for his co-worker, Gemma, and she seems to feel the same way…about Dave, his alter ego while in disguise. Can Loki continue a relationship with her while keeping his true identity a secret? How many lies can the ‘God of lies’ spin to keep his pursuit of a simple life?

[Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017); THOR IS A GOOD BRO AND TOTALLY NOT HOW HE WAS IN RAGNAROK, THNX; Infinity War Doesn’t Exist; Everyone lives]

A/N: Thor and Loki catch up. Gemma gets excited to see Dave again. A little too excited.

(^^^^Credit to @briannacherrygarcia​​)

________________________________

IMPORTANT NOTES:

Bold Text = Loki’s POV

Normal Text = Thor’s POV, then Gemma’s POV

________________________________

Thor hung up the receiver with Fury and a slight smile crossed his lips. It had been several months since he and Loki had an opportunity to see each other, and he was honestly curious about how his brother was doing.

This new life as a SHIELD operative seemed to be suiting him well, though Thor was certain he would have become bored with it by now--Loki’s magpie mind was always looking for the next shiny object to attract his attentions. And once he found it, he’d obsess over it, just like always...

Thor chuckled quietly to himself as he headed for the lounge in the R&R area of SHIELD headquarters. He’d been so busy with the diplomatic efforts of giving the Asgardians some kind of legal status and protection, he’d hardly had time to even think about Loki other than the occasional question about how to approach a difficult political situation. It would be good to see him in person.

He reached the lounge, ordered the largest cup of black coffee he could, then sat on the somewhat uncomfortable couch and flipped through emails on his cellular device--as primitive as it was, it did come in handy here on Earth.

Loki walked into the lounge and found Thor uncomfortably spread over a couch, checking his phone. Strange, how he had finally adapted to Midgardian life.

"You need a haircut," he said without preamble, leaning against the couch and pulling at his ponytail. "Hasn't Brunhilde been mocking you relentlessly over it? I paid her to make certain you didn’t let yourself go in my absence."

Thor’s smile widened as he stood.

“Loki! It’s so good to see you, brother!” He brought his wayward sibling in for a hug, wrapping his arms around him in a bear-like embrace. “How are you? You look well!”

Loki tried his best to return the hug, but soon, he was left gasping as Thor nearly squeezed all the breath out of him with his powerful embrace.

"Thor, cannot breathe," he choked out, punching his arm as he laughed.

Once Thor let him go, he shook his head and muttered under his breath, calling him an 'uncultured oaf'.

It was all in good humour, of course. This was how they greeted each other these days. It was far better than greeting each other with violence, at least.

"I am well. Being Midgard's best spy is quite enriching. Though, Romanoff loves to call me a hack and cribs about me having snatched her job." He grinned as he spoke, settling down on the couch with Thor. "Now you tell me. How's New Asgard? Are the people coping better now? And what happened to your attempts at reaching out to a certain astrophysicist for a reconciliation?"

Thor’s throat tightened at the mention of Jane, but he did his best to brush it off and maintain his excitement at seeing his brother again.

“The Asgardians are...adapting, slowly but surely. Certainly the most difficult thing has been learning to live without the use of the advanced technologies we took for granted before...well, you know. But they are healthy, and strong, and resilient. I am proud to be their king.”

Then he returned to his seat on the couch and sighed a bit, taking a sip of the bitter brew.

“And Jane is...well. We speak on occasion, but...sometimes I think just being on the same planet with her isn’t giving her the distance she says she needs.” He looked at Loki with a sad smile, the heartbreak and resignation apparent, though he tried to hide it.

“But I hardly have time to worry about it, what with all the meetings and negotiations lately. I think we’re almost at a point of agreement with the Norwegian government. If things go as planned, we’ll officially have sovereignty over the three small islands we’ve been living on; we’ll be the second smallest country on Earth, only slightly larger than the Vatican. Though that particular government has not been helpful. It’s interesting how religious humans behave when meeting us...”

Thor felt uncomfortable...things hadn’t progressed as he’d hoped, and he fought the ever-present feeling of failure with everything he could. Sometimes it wasn’t enough.

But that didn’t matter right now.

“And how is your current assignment--you’ve been undercover for quite some time with this one. What has it been, three months? Are you nearly done?”

Loki saw the sadness and struggle in Thor's eyes as he spoke before he changed the subject, and it really made him feel a bit guilty for leaving his people behind to go on SHIELD missions. But then again, what could he do staying in New Asgard? The world knew him to be dead, so there was hardly any role for him to fit in.

It was for the best that no one knew of his presence here on Midgard, for it would only jeopardize the chances New Asgard had to be a free kingdom.

"My assignment is indeed coming to an end... soon." He looked down at his hands, thinking of Gemma again as he spoke. "I had to spend some time ingratiating myself into the company, picking apart its secrets. Now that the groundwork has been laid, it's time for the final act. I'll be out of there within a week or so."

“A week? Well then, on to the next exciting adventure, right brother?” Thor slapped him on the back, slightly harder than he knew was comfortable. But he saw that look come over Loki’s face when he mentioned the end of the assignment...that was unusual.

“Is there...something about this assignment that was different? You don’t seem to be as enthusiastic to move on. Perhaps unfinished business or a loose end?”

Loki blanched at Thor's questions. He didn't need him to be perceptive... not now.

"Not really. It's just that, you build a life and live it for more than three months, and it starts to become your normal life. It's just hard to suddenly move on from that, like a hard shift from the first gear of a vehicle to the fifth gear straight." He shrugged, deliberately stalling the conversation as the server brought in his tea.

After they were left alone once again, Loki took a sip of the tea and glanced at Thor, worrying that he was onto him somehow.

"Fury also told me to lay low for a while. I'm trying to think up a new hobby to spend my time on while I wait for a new assignment."

Thor had known Loki long enough to know when he was masterfully evading a direct answer, and the nervous sparkle in his green eyes meant there was much more to the tale than what Loki said. Thor grinned.

“Ah...and what hobbies have you been considering?”

Though he felt like he was setting himself up for disappointment, Thor had an inkling--just a tiny gut reaction--that Loki may have already found that new focus for his attention, and this time, it wasn’t architecture.

"How does clay modeling sound to you?" Loki asked jokingly, laughing at Thor's nonplussed reaction. "Or maybe I should take up cave exploration...I just learned the word for it: spelunking. Isn’t that odd?"

He drank his tea while Thor focused his steady icy blue gaze on him. Norns, he badly wanted to talk about Gemma, but it was far too soon... and he didn't know how he'd pull her back into his life again after the mission was over.

"You seem to be expecting something else from me, brother. I swear, I won't do anything bad. Except mess with Steve Rogers a bit. It's been a while since I’ve done that."

Thor laughed heartily, nodding in agreement. “Yes. Steve has finally stopped looking around the corners before walking down hallways--your last bit of mischief made him quite paranoid.”

Perhaps Loki wasn’t ready to share...but then again, when would be the next time they would get to see each other in person? And...there was always the fear in the back of Thor’s mind that Loki might backslide again, into that terrifying madness that had ripped him away the first time.

Maybe...just one more small push would be enough. After that, he would let it go.

“Is there something I should be expecting, Loki? Anything you might want to speak of that weighs heavy on your heart? I don’t know when we might next see each other, and if I may help to unburden you in some way, please...I’m all ears.”

He laughed at the somewhat disgusted look Loki gave him at the use of that Midgardian colloquialism, but Thor just smiled warmly back.

Loki sighed and put his now empty cup down, finally feeling like he should at least tell Thor about it. After all, there was no one else. They were the only family they both had...

"I met a woman," he said quietly, looking down again. "And I think I'm growing quite fond of her. I took her to my apartment... day before yesterday. She spent the night."

I knew it! He met someone!

Thor’s knowing smile barely concealed his excitement for his brother.

“And...how was it? She’s still in her right mind? All of her limbs are still attached?”

Loki gave Thor an exasperated glare then. But that quickly dissolved into a shared chuckle between the brothers.

"She was fine, just a bit dazed I think. But that's what happens when I take a lover, they just go glassy eyed." He was very aware of the fact that he was describing his own reaction to Gemma as well. But he let it slide, for there were more important things to discuss. "But on a serious note... I feel guilty."

Thor certainly understood why he would feel that way; Loki wasn’t exactly available ...even in his disguise. That persona would be wiped from any and all records as soon as the mission ended.

Thor lowered his voice and leaned toward his brother. “Do you plan to see her again? After the company you’re investigating has been shut down?”

He knew, on the one hand, that it was out of the question--one of those non-negotiable rules of the role he played for SHIELD. But on the other hand, as Loki’s brother...he wanted so much for his sibling to finally have made a connection with someone. So much so, he may have even been willing to encourage an exception if this new woman was becoming more than a fling.

Loki swallowed hard, pursing his lips as he looked around them furtively.

"I want to." He locked his eyes with his brother then, and gave him a pleading look. "Please don't jest about it. And don't share it with anyone. Not yet. I don't know how... but I'm thinking of a plan. I can't just let her go like that..."

Thor’s heart nearly burst with excitement in his chest. So this was serious...serious enough that Loki was already scheming on how to make it...well, how to make something work.

“No jests, Loki.” Thor put his hand on the back of Loki’s neck and pulled him in, so their foreheads nearly touched. “If you feel this woman may be worthy...I will help you however I can.”

Deep down, he had to admit that helping Loki was somewhat selfish...perhaps it would ease his issues with Jane if Loki were to have a female companion.

Loki was a bit surprised that Thor was so readily supportive of him this time. There was no judgment in his words. In fact, he sounded relieved and happy.

"Well, she knows me as this man named Dave, from England." He laughed mirthlessly as he explained his conundrum. "I am not him, and he is not me. But still, my feelings are honest and true. I know that I'm probably fixating on her, but I want to take this chance. I'm just... " He shook his head, looking away once again. "I've been solitary most of my life, and then lonely too. I do want companionship, and Thor... she's so sweet and good natured, everything I'm not. I feel a strange pull towards her. I don't want my job at SHIELD to ruin this."

“I know, Loki. I understand.” Much in the way that Loki fixated on his obsessions, Thor fixated on helping others. And he was especially focused on helping Loki--after all they’d been through, he wanted nothing more than to have that connection with his brother again. And if helping him build a relationship with this woman would do that, then there was no way Thor would let it slide.

“You deserve happiness, Loki. As we all do. We will figure this out. Barton has a family--exceptions have been made.”

Loki nodded, taking a deep breath to calm his chaotic mind.

"Thank you, brother." He put his hand over Thor's and squeezed it. "Your support means a lot to me. Likewise, if I can help with anything, I'm always there. You know that. Distance means nothing to me."

“Yes. Of course, Loki.” He leaned back and waved his cellular device at the God of Mischief. “You can send me an electronic message! Or a textual message! Or we could simply play FarmVille...that pastime can be most infuriating without the help of friends.”

Thor stood and hugged Loki once again, then held his shoulders as he gave him a genuine look.

“I missed you, brother. We will get through this.”

With that, Thor swallowed what was left of his coffee, and bid Loki a fond farewell.

_________________________

Gemma was elated. She couldn’t stop smiling--it was so bad her cheeks constantly hurt. But she didn’t care. She was completely infatuated with Dave...and he seemed to be feeling the same way!

After that night together, they hadn’t seen each other--his schedule had him out of the office often, so it wasn’t surprising. That first day back, she was disappointed to see his empty chair pushed in at his perfectly organized desk...but she did find a small box of what looked like very expensive chocolates at hers, and a note written in the most beautiful handwriting she’d ever seen.

“Hi Gemma. Sorry I missed you. Thought you would like these. Terrible reception where I’m going, might not have signal. Can’t wait to see you again.

Dave.”

Her heart leapt into her throat when she saw them, and the note made her melt...she even moaned a little. And they were the best chocolates she’d ever eaten!

Even though she wasn’t able to reach him on his phone, every day after that there was a little token on her desk--a small vase of flowers, a cute art print to decorate her cubicle, even a gift card to her favorite coffee shop. It was wonderful...but it made her miss him so much. She wondered where he was traveling...and if he was thinking about her as much as she was thinking about him...

Now finally, it was Friday. And she almost jumped out of her skin when she turned the corner to her desk and saw him sitting there, his broad shoulders leaning over his desk in that crisp baby-blue Oxford shirt.

She quickly walked over to her desk and put her things away, then booted up her computer, trying to KEEP IT TOGETHER AND NOT FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

“Hey, stranger...” she said quietly, a huge stupid smile stuck on her face. She tried to hide it.

Loki knew that she had seen him the moment she entered the hall. After all, there was that beautiful blush on her face...

He dearly wanted to go over and chat with her, but he just couldn't. He was heavily loaded with tasks, and quite a few of them were related to his mission.

But that didn't stop him from sending her heated looks from across the aisle.

The company was going to be demolished the day after, and hence, he was inundated with work, both farcical and real.

Oh well... he was willing to wait...

After all, he was already planning on how to keep her even after the mission. He wouldn't let her go so easily.

Just as he sent an important message to Fury regarding freezing of the company's hidden assets, he heard Gemma's soft greeting.

Looking up, he saw her standing at his desk, trying her best to look like just an employee... greeting her co-worker.

"Hello Gemma," he said, smiling as he stood up. He couldn't dial down on the heated look, as much as he tried. "How have the last few days been?"

What she REALLY wanted to say was, “Oh my GOD I’ve been wanting to see you every day! The gifts you’ve been giving me make my heart palpitate and I want jump your bones and fuck you in that side office over there RIGHT NOW!”

Instead, what came out of her mouth was: “Oh, you know, fine...”

She really couldn’t hide the giggle in her voice. Every time he spoke, she felt butterflies in her stomach. “Same old, same old. You? Any new clients you’ve landed over the last week?”

She sat at her desk and logged into her email, casually checking on that day’s tasks while blushing furiously and trying to control herself as she waited for his answer.

Loki moved over to her desk and leaned against her cubicle wall as she typed and tried to curb her blush from deepening. She was utterly incapable of doing that.

"A few, yes. But I had a miserable time, traveling here and there," he replied. "I wasn't where I actually wanted to be."

His insinuative answer made her blush even harder. She felt like she was in a fairy tale...who WAS this guy?!

“Yea...me too,” she said softly. “Would much rather have been somewhere else...with someone else. But you know, bills gotta get paid, resumes need to be consistent...so we carry on.”

She turned to look at him, and that 1000 gigawatt smile he gave her almost made her squeal. She took a moment to collect herself, smiled back, and said as cooly as she could, “So, you wanna grab lunch today? I mean, I’m sure you’re busy, but if you have a few minutes, my schedule is pretty flexible.”

"While I am busy, I can certainly make exceptions for you," he stated, never breaking their eye contact. He lowered his voice as he continued. "Where do you want to go, baby girl?"

She was completely speechless. He called her baby girl?! In the office?!

That brought back SOOO many memories. Memories she still could have written off as fever dreams until he said those words…

“Uuummmmm.... I--I...”

Anywhere with you, Dave. I’ll go ANYWHERE with you, do anything with you. Take me, here, now, forever, just let me be yours!

“S-sandwiches?”

Loki almost laughed aloud at her answer. She was so damned adorable, he wanted to pick her up and spin her around.

And then fuck her silly.

But that would have to wait...

"Sandwiches it is," he said with a smirk, pulling away from her desk and heading back to his.

Now he just had to wait for lunch time...

Gemma couldn’t breathe. She had been waiting for this moment all week, and yet, she was STILL in utter disbelief that THE DAVE was interested in her. Not just interested...more than interested. He liked her.

Suffice to say, she got almost NO work done in the ensuing hours. Mostly she stared at her screen and clicked windows open and closed randomly while her thoughts spun with daydreams of Dave...

The memory of their night together...

The memory of the next morning...and the shower...

Imagining having her arms wrapped around his waist as they rode a white horse through the surf on a private tropical island...

Dancing on the streets in a city at night in the snow...

“Gemma?!”

She snapped out of it and turned around to see Oliver standing over her, his prodigious belly protruding so far over the waistline of his pants that her nose almost touched it when she faced him.

And all her happy feelings disappeared.

“Heeeey, Oliver...” she said weakly, with plenty of guilt. She wondered how long he’d been watching her...

“We need that TPX report on the latest cardboard sales figures ASAP, and we’re still waiting on the numbers for last year’s gross revenue versus projections. Do you have those done yet?”

“Um...no sir,” she said, shrinking into herself. Everyone was staring at the confrontation...including Dave. She wanted to die...

“Aha. Well, Ms. Spitznaegel, your performance certainly hasn’t been up to snuff lately. Plan to stay late tonight. I want those reports on my desk first thing tomorrow.”

“But...tomorrow is Saturday—”

“DID I STUTTER, SPITZNAEGEL?!”

Oliver’s perfectly round, bulbous head changed to a shade of purplish-crimson she hadn’t known existed in nature. She balked.

“No sir...I’ll have them on your desk before I leave tonight. I promise.”

“Good. Don’t mess this up, Spitznaegel. You’re on thin ice as it is.”

Then he walked away, leaving Gemma humiliated in front of the entire staff.

_____________________________________________________________

[PREVIOUS CHAPTER]   Ch-1; Ch-2; Ch-3; Ch-4   [NEXT CHAPTER]

[dogboy-willgraham]

ooh here's a prompt idea if u feel like it: some kind of fairy tale au, like sleeping beauty, red riding hood, etc ( bonus if it at some point includes or mentions a duck)

(I AM FINALLY WRITING THIS I APOLOGIZE FOR MY BITCHY ASS TAKING SO LONG I COULDN’T GET INSPIRATION AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I’M DOING MENTALLY ANYMORE SO FORGIVE ME AND MY SCREAMING)

Sleeping Beauty AU, FOOLS

*The original Disney animated version because I am not doing the OG version with the 100 years sleep and the rape (Look it up, or don’t), or the Maleficent storyline because that’s not the point here, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk*

Once upon a certain place in time, there was a Queen, no one ever really knew Her name. She had a son, and while there was rumors of a horrid affair, for She ruled alone, none of them where true. She in fact did have a son by her husband, Lucifer, but when She found him sleeping with Her brother from a neighboring kingdom, She took a few shoots of water hemlock from Her own garden, and mixed him a wonderful drink the next morning. A week later She found Herself carrying a child. 

No one ever did find out the king had died. 

 Anyhow, when Her son was born, She held a ceremony and invited three angels. Michael, Uriel, and Ananiel. They each bestowed a blessing on the child. 

Beauty.

Kindness. 

And when Ananiel began faer blessing of safety, and draft flooded into the hall. And a wicked baritone laugh erupted.

“Such a grand party, my queen, and yet I receive no invitation?” A man shaped being with dark violet eyes emerged from the crowd, a pure white duck waddling beside him. 

“Gabriel,” She hissed. “You are not welcome here,” 

“Oh, but why not my queen? I’m no different from them,” Gabriel turned his gaze upon the three angels guarding the cradle where the prince slept. “I’m an angel, and just like them, I’ve come to give my blessing upon the young one,” 

“You are no more angel than a demon,” She hissed. 

“Leave, Gabriel,” Ananiel warned. “You are not to touch him while I watch over him, you’re ‘blessing’ is not welcome,” 

Gabriel chuckled darkly and waved his hand, sending the three across the room. 

The queen stood, arm poised just behind Her throne where her longsword sat.

Gabriel looked over and with another flick of his wrist She was forced into her seat. 

Finally, he walked to the cradle, and looked down at the golden haired boy. The boy roused from his sleep, due to Gabriel’s presence and began to fuss. 

Gabriel laughed lowly, and placed a hand over the boys chest, making the prince fuss more. 

“Oh, darling prince of Her majesty,” Gabriel began. “Do not fuss, I have come to bring you a blessing,” He took a deep breath and smirked deeply as he began speaking once more. “For your mother’s offenses, you will pay,” Gabriel began to address his entire audience. “The prince will live for sixteen years, happily and beautifully, as my dear friends have blessed, but on his sixteenth birthday, no sooner will the sun set as the prince will be pricked by the thorn of a rose, and fall into a sleep-like death, never to wake,” He finished and a bolt of thunder cracked outside, then it fell silent. 

Gabriel walked away from the cradle and down to the edge of the crowd. “That, is my blessing, my lord,” He smiled wickedly and began walking again. 

“That is no blessing Gabriel!” Michael shouted. “That is a curse!” 

“Oh, it’s no such thing, dear sister, it is a blessing, the prince will not be hurt when he falls into slumber,” Gabriel disappeared into the crowd after that. 

Uriel quickly began removing the crowd when they could move again, while Ananiel ran to the cradle and brought faer wings to cover the boy from any danger. Michael approached the queen, head hung low. 

“My lord, forgive me-” 

She cut off Michael. “Don’t,” She looked to Her son, guarded by sleek brown wings. “It isn’t your fault,” 

“I could’ve-”

“I could’ve done many things too,” She interrupted. “But ‘what-ifs’ will not help us now, we must do what we can,” 

When the crowds were gone Uriel returned to Ananiel and began speaking in a hushed voice to fae. 

“Is there anything we can do about the curse?” She asked Michael, not yet noticing the conversation happening by the cradle. 

“No, if one of us casted it, or someone like us, we could do something but, Gabriel’s magic is not the same as ours anymore,” Michael looked down sadly. “It’s impossible to even try,”

“Not impossible, my lord,” Ananiel cut in. “Well, at least it is to break it, but we can change it, at least a little,” 

“Go on,” She said. 

“Well, Gabriel didn’t say how it could be broken, so we can fill it in ourselves, or Michael can,” Uriel finished. 

“Is this true?” She asked Michael. 

“Yes,” Michael answered. 

“Then do it,” 

Michael approached the cradle and Ananiel hesitantly folded faer wings back. 

Michael set a hand on the child’s chest, calming him. 

“The curse can be broken, but only if the fair prince receives a kiss, from his true love,” Michael finished, and another crack of lighting rang out. 

“Really, Michael? True love?” Uriel hissed. 

“I’m stressed,” Michael deadpanned. “And it’s not impossible,”

“It will be fine,” She said. “But I don’t want him near here, roses grow like wildfires in my kingdom, I want a failsafe in case Michael’s change doesn’t work,” 

“Where can he go?” Ananiel asked. 

“I want you to take him deep into the forest, on the other side of the river, he will be safe from the roses,” She said. “And, if you can, if you will, raise him, I cannot abdicate my throne, he will have nothing to come back to if I do,” 

Michael looked to Uriel and Ananiel, and all exchanged nods. 

“We’ll do it,” Michael said. 

“Thank you,” She stood and walked to Her son. “I love you, and while it’s hurts, I must say farewell my dear Aziraphale,”

-

The trio of angels took Aziraphale into the forest that night, finding a small cottage miraculously abandoned. And, as the queen asked, they raised him. 

Well, Michael and Ananiel raised him, mostly. Uriel had the least maternal personality out of the three, and besides that, Uriel was less than interested in getting involved with whatever was happening between her their sister and their friend. Uriel was more than happy though to take care of the materiel aspects of Aziraphale’s life. 

And for sixteen years, minus one day, Aziraphale grew up happy and beautiful. Unburdened by the existence of his biological mother, or the curse that loomed over

-

The day he was suddenly burdened by his life outside of the cocoon of the forest, was his birthday. But, of course, he didn’t just wake up when all Hell broke loose, but, the beginning of the day is a fine place to start. 

-

“We have to tell him,” Uriel said, out of the blue. 

“Not yet,” Ananiel returned. “ And anyway, we already agreed that we were going to tell him after his birthday,” 

“No, we didn’t,” Uriel set the shirt they were repairing down. “We need to tell him, he needs to time to understand, we’re going to be taking him to Her as soon as the sun finishes setting, and what do you think he’s going to feel like if we just toss that on him and then throw him back at Her?” 

“After, Uriel,” Ananiel insisted. 

“Michael, be the voice of reason, we need to tell him,” Uriel all but pleaded. 

Michael set her book down. “We’re not throwing him back at Her, and we need to make sure this works, we'll tell him after,”

“Oh, for someone’s sake you two!” Uriel groaned. “You’re acting like this is all going to go smoothly! It isn’t!”

“We are aware it’s not going to go smoothly,” Michael gently retorted. 

“Really? Then why are you waiting?”

Michael and Ananiel exchanged a glance, both knowing why they were stalling, but neither willing to admit. 

“I need some air,”  Uriel grumbled and walked out, past Aziraphale who had just arrived at the door. 

“Is Uriel okay?” Aziraphale asked timidly, stepping in. 

“Uriel’s okay, love, just needed to stretch their legs,” Ananiel smiled, and opened faer arms, which Aziraphale let wrap around him happily. 

“They seemed upset,” Aziraphale whispered into the crook of Ananiel’s neck. 

“They were just excited, it’s your birthday after all,” Ananiel felt faer throat tighten with the lie. Fae exchanged a sad glance with Michael. 

“Hey, Azzie,” Michael began smiling. “Could you go get some of those water lilies you love? We need them for tonight,” 

“I was just outside?” Aziraphale asked in a small voice. 

“I know, dear, but I forgot, and I promise there’ll be cake in it for you,” Michael smiled. 

“Okay,” Aziraphale grinned and removed himself from Ananiel. 

“Be home before sundown,” Michael said seriously. 

“Alright, mum,” Aziraphale hugs Michael before going back outside. 

Ananiel and Michael share a look, understanding, and hesitation to have their perfect illusion of life shatter. 

-

Aziraphale hummed happily as he collected the pale pink flowers off their green beds, daydreaming as usual. It was hard not to, he’d never been outside the forest, and never met anyone else either. But he had his books, and he could imagine as best he could meeting a tall dark stranger, or a kind friend. 

But the dark stranger was preferred most times. 

As he plucked another flower he heard a thud from a nearby clearing, and muffled grunts. 

Aziraphale stood up and cautiously walked towards it, leaving his flowers in a pile. 

When he pulled back the thick of bushes he had to bite his tongue to keep from bursting into giggles. 

A young red-haired man, no older than Aziraphale it seemed, was sprawled out on the forest floor as if he had fallen off his horse, who was now sitting on top of him. 

“For somebody’s bloody sake Bentley! Get off!” The strangely dressed person pushed at the black horse, who just huffed and shifted farther onto it’s rider. 

Aziraphale let out a small snort, still mesmerized by the newcomer. 

The redhead looked over to Aziraphale and sighed in relief. 

“Oi, blondie, mind helping me out?” The redhead asked. 

Aziraphale nodded and went over to try and gentle the horse off the ginger, which was successful. 

“Thank you,” The ginger smiled, getting up and brushing the dirt off his pitch-black clothes. “I would’ve been there for hours if you hadn’t come along,”

“No need,” Aziraphale smiled as well, a little blush creeping up his neck. Now that he was able to see the redhead better, he found him incredibly handsome. His very own tall dark stranger. 

The redhead, Crowley was his name, blushed too as he gazed at the cherubic blonde in front of him. He shook his head though, as if it would help clear his head. “What's your name, kind angel?” 

Aziraphale flushed fully, quite surprised by the name, but not unwelcoming of it. 

“A-Aziraphale,” Aziraphale coughed out, his throat felt dry. “My name is Aziraphale,” 

“Crowley,” Crowley smiled, brushing a bit more dust off his gold accented jacket. “Aziraphale, you really are an angel,” 

Aziraphale wanted to both get away from Crowley and his wonderful words to collect himself and more of those words. 

“Are you from around here?” Crowley asked, interrupting Aziraphale’s frenzied thoughts. 

“Yes, from the clearing Eastward from here,” Aziraphale answered. 

“Ah, well, why don’t I give you a lift back? Repay you for saving my arse?” 

Aziraphale smiled sheepishly. “You don’t have to,” 

“Rubbish, hop on. Make sure to hold on though, Bentley is not peaceful,” 

-

Aziraphale forgot about his flowers as he clutched Crowley’s chest while the horse sped off. 

Crowley smelled very nice, a faint fiery smell with cinnamon, and Aziraphale couldn’t get enough. 

They arrived at Aziraphale’s home just before the sun had set. Crowley helped him off the horse and knelt to kiss his knuckles lightly. 

“Thank you for the company, angel,” Crowley smiled. 

Aziraphale blushed and looked away. 

”I hate that I must part ways with you now, but I will return as soon as I can,” Crowley frowned slightly, before digging into his leather bag and pulling out a white rose. 

“For you,” Crowley tucked the flower into Aziraphale’s hair, a stray thorn nicking Aziraphale’s skin. 

And as soon as Crowley was watching a blushing cherub he had an armful of sleeping cherub. 

Three women emerged from the house suddenly as well, and took a moment to take in the scene. 

“You have no idea the shit you’ve just started,” The red-haired one growled. 

-

To sum up the end, Crowley fought a giant duck, and then kissed Aziraphale, and they somehow fell in love, there was also a whole ordeal with Aziraphale’s birthmother, but he chose his family in the end. 

[doomedandstoned]

Nicolas Perrault from Rage of Samedi Taps Deep Emotion in New Solo Effort

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By MelLie

NICOLAS "SCRIOS" PERRAULT -- some of you may have heard this name in the course of the German monster sludgers RAGE OF SAMEDI. German multi-instrumentalist, producer, live audio engineer, creative head in general, and bad-ass bassist of the aforementioned band. Often these artists are mostly referred to us in connection with the bands in which they play and we often know too little about their individual personalities and the solo projects they have to offer. Ashes on our heads!

After six years of walking the path of self-discovery and working on his authenticity as a solo artist, Nicolas has now announced the release of his first full-length album 'Shadows Cast At Dawn' (2020) on May 20th. That's why we should jump at this perfect opportunity to get a foretaste of the new album and take a closer look at Nick Perrault as "singer/songwriter" (a term that somehow doesn't entirely fit him).

With the song "Fires Within," Nick not only offers us a gloomy soul plough, but also a glance into his own soul. It is a gritty absolution punch, with abysmal soundscapes that deal with depression and anxiety. Emotional, melancholic, but in no way melodramatic -- a puristic and minimalistic-looking audio-active encounter with the emotionally frozen world and the breakout of those soul-damaging shackles. Like the Last Judgement runs Nick‘s throaty, heavy, powerful voice through the song and manifests itself like a memorial at the edge of the abyss into which the listener seems to look. This musical work is further underpinned by the impressive video-artwork, which was also created by Nick's own artistic hand.

I hope I have made you a little curious about the excursion into a border area of this heavy genre, which generally receives less attention here, and about the artistic work of Nicolas Perrault. Enjoy the ride through the abyss.

'Fires Within' music video

An Interview with Nicolas Perrault

By MelLie (Doomed & Stoned & Sunday's Heavy Tunes)

First of all, a warm "welcome", on behalf of Doomed & Stoned and our audience, Nick. It's only been a few months since you answered my questions as part of the gang of Rage Of Samedi! But this time, you are in the spotlight with your solo project! It‘s nice to have you here again!

It's an absolute honor to get to do this twice in a single year, so thanks for having me!

Nick, of course I have created my own impression of you in the process of preparing for this interview - at the latest now you still have the chance to escape! (laughs) How would you describe yourself? Who is this guy Nicolas Perrault?

I'm a multi-instrumentalist, tattooer, live audio engineer and producer and slightly sociophobic. So pretty much your average vegan straightedge dude who refuses to get a real job.

What made you decide to sell your soul to the "Devil Of Music"? In other words, how and when did you realize that you were burning with heart and soul to dedicate your life to music?

I've always played instruments, starting with the recorder, then organ and piano, bass, drums, guitar, bagpipes, and everything else. Way back when I joined my first band (a grunge/punk three-piece) and first picked up a bass, I realized I had a lot to say and music quickly became my outlet of choice. So about 18 years ago, but I didn't think of it in terms of a career yet, that only happened roughly six years ago, so I dropped out of university and started to work on my solo project.

You have left some very manifold and genre crossing footsteps on the pilgrimage through your personal music history: PTAH (doom), MOONSAIL (depressive pop-blues), and THRENODIA (black-metal) in former times are on my mind, current side projects are WILLE ZUR MACHT (avangarde) and you are the bass-riffer of Germany's blackened sludge doom monster RAGE OF SAMEDI! To what extent were these different musical influences and band experiences important for your progress as solo-artist?

I've spent a decade and a half working in bands, which would usually split up after a while, when the band became more serious and the others decided they'd rather pursue "real" jobs. So after a couple of those, I grew tired of waiting on the right people and just started working on my own. But every now and then I'd want to experiment with different genres, so I'd start a new project. The reason I'm now releasing under my actual name is that I didn't want to be stuck in one genre. I don't regret any of it, as they shaped who I am and the music I play now.

At the mention of your solo project, I could see the glint in your eyes. May 20th is the day! Let's light a sparkler for a minute! After three released EPs and six years of working as a solo artist, 'Shadows Cast At Dawn' will sail into the world as your first full-length album, which you even produced under the name of your own label Yew & Holly, right? What thoughts shoot spontaneously through your head right now?

Yup. I'm just incredibly excited to finally release this thing! It's been nearly six years and about eight different entire recordings, several changes to the track listing, heck- there are two tracks on the album that I only wrote this year! It's been a long, tedious journey and I'm glad for everything that happened along the way, because it made the final version of the album so much better!

Nick, let's turn the spotlight on the background information for your new album now. How would you describe your it to someone who has never heard your music before and which instruments play a major role?

A genre defying journey through post-modern life in a capitalist reality, focussing on depression and anxiety. Almost all of the songs are two sets of drums, a minute string section of violin and cello plus baritone guitar and vocals, that together create soundscapes so vast you might mistake them for an assassin's creed map.

Listening a little deeper into your work, one does not miss your natural fondness for philosophical thinking -- correct me if I am wrong with my assumption. Where do you get your inspirations from? And is there a message you want to convey to the listeners?

Well, I did study philosophy way back when. I tend to use naval imagery to paint a lyrical picture of depression and bipolar disorder, as a means of sharing the way I experience the world. It's likely not the most accessible thing you will ever hear, but it's a sincere expression of myself and that's really all I can offer.

"Fires Within," btw. Also one of my personal favorites of your album - is the amuse-gueule for our listeners What is the meaning behind this song and what moved you, writing the lyrics for this song?

"Fires" is all about setting boundaries and tearing down unhealthy relationships. If you have people in your life that hold you back instead of supporting you, ditch their ass! They're not worth the time and will poison any creative endeavor. Everyone knows at least a handful of these negative feckers and so did I. I spent years trying to help them get through their shit, but whenever I needed them they'd be more interested in getting drunk.

It's an unburdening from dead weight we carry, a cleansing, if you will. The chorus says "look not towards time, it brings only decay and destruction " and I think this is key to ridding yourself from negativity. Focus on your ultimate goal, that transcends trends and mood swings, that lives beyond time, and let it guide you. Don't stray too much from the path, or these negative influences will be right there waiting to cut you down.

"Fires Within"

Call upon the wind To wipe the surface clean He brings the rain and with it Absolution To carry with it the dust And bittersweet memories lost

Look not towards time To save your soul from fires It brings only decay and with it Destruction The fires burn from within Feast on the sand and it's running thin

Turn away from everything you hold dear To keep yourself safe from despair Cause all they bring is but loss All that remains is darkness when they are all gone Darkness that stretches like shadows cast from a new dawn

I would like to make a short swerve to the album cover. It is the wonderful artwork of Maryland based illustrator Luke Martin (Suburban Avenger Studios) who counts some famous musicians among his clients (Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age, Arctic Monkeys, Red Hot Chili Pepper and others). How does the artwork relate to "Shadows Cast To Dawn"?

I've been a huge fan of Luke's work for years and a while ago he posted this picture to his Instagram. I was looking for something very specific to use as an album cover at the time. I needed it to evoke claustrophobia and a feeling of being safe inside whilst at the same time showing an outside, detached from the rest, just out of reach.

So imagine my jaw dropping as I saw this picture for the first time. It just struck me. So I wrote Luke, if he'd sell it. He had never sold a photograph before (plenty of awesome illustrations, though) so needless to say, I was very happy he did. He basically captured exactly what I had conceptualized -- that it's an actual photograph just makes it even better, as the concept is very much abstract but now has an actual physical representation.

The title "Shadows Cast At Dawn" was something that I had floating around in my head for ever. So when I began to work on the album that became the working title. Since I've worked on it for so long, that title has- in a way- effected everything I wrote, so it seemed to fit perfectly by the end.

Is there a special favourite place where you prefer to let your ideas mature? - a kind of soul-flyer place? I know you live in a small, rather idyllic place and not in a vibrant artists' metropolis! Whereby this way of living has advantages as well as disadvantages for an artist, right?

I love forests, oceans and mountains, so I'm pretty much alright with any surroundings, as long as I can escape civilization from time to time. Living out in the countryside allows me to focus, as you pretty much know where to find people, if you're looking for company but at the same time, you know where you are less likely to be found.

Sure, I need to travel a lot more to get anywhere and there aren't as many connections to be made face to face, but digitalization has granted us loners access to that aspect of life from the comfort of our homes, so I'd say it really depends on what you need to stay sane.

With the release of this album, you could now realize one of your dreams. Do we have another sparkler to light? What else do you have in the works? Are there any future plans that float in space? Or do you still carry around another big dream in your head?

I've already started recording for the next album, so fingers crossed that this time it won't take as long. Apart from that, I really want to tour the world, but circumstances aren't exactly ideal for that, at the moment. Apart from the music, I also tattoo and paint and hope to be doing more of that alongside music in the future. So if y'all wanna get some ink, hit me up!

Thanks a lot Nick, for giving us a deeper insight into your solo project and the things that move you! It's been very entertaining having this conversation with you here. We all will keep our eyes upon Nicolas "Scrios" Perrault in anticipation of your success!

Thank you very much, Mel, it's been my pleasure!

Leave Me To The Waves by Nicolas Perrault

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[efrmellifer]

Wondrous Tails Nine

Prompt: getting caught in the rain, 1,743 words (I know)

It had taken an almost obnoxious amount of badgering and persuading from Lucia and Estinien both, but eventually, they had convinced Etien and Aymeric to take a vacation—after all, despite Etien feeling like she was lounging around at home all day, she was actually still the link between the Scions on the First and Matoya and Krile on the Source, as well as taking on ever more pet projects around Ishgard and greater Coerthas.

And Aymeric… well, was being Aymeric. From the moment his feet hit the cobblestones outside the house until the last seconds he spent at his desk, he was working.

Until Lucia practically pushed him out of it, telling him that the arrangements were already made, his bag was (probably) packed, so all he had to do was get on the airship with Etien and go.

Estinien was doing much the same with Etien, catching up to her riding Nyx from Falcon’s Nest, trying to get her to slow and turn back, so she could go home and pack Aymeric’s and her own bags for a the vacation she had earned.

“Let me at least get these wolf skins,” she sighed, dismounting from the Chocobo and leading him somewhere safe. “And you can help me or watch Nyx.”

Estinien looked at the bird, already starting his routine of squatting and flapping where Etien had left him. “Wolves, you say?”

With the pelts gathered and turned in, Etien brushed off her hands. “All right. Thank you, Estinien, you can… go, I guess.”

“No, I planned to come with, help you pack Aymeric’s things.”

“Oh yes?” She asked, playing with the pendants around her neck before stepping up to the Aetheryte.

Estinien looked down at his boots. “Aye.”

“I’ll see you at the manor, then.” And she was gone.

She paid her toll to the Aetheryte keeper, then moseyed her way to Saint Valeroyant’s Forum, up to the Pillars from there, and back down in the direction of the Brume, stopping outside the manor and fishing among the folds of her clothing for her key.

Ah, yes, she was waiting for Estinien. She sat down on the steps to bide her time.

When he wandered over, she stood, letting him in and heading straight for the bedroom.

He followed, a little slower.

“You seem excited,” Estinien mused as Etien popped open her trunk. “A mere hour ago, you had no idea you were even going anywhere, and now, here you are, flitting around the room.”

“I haven’t—he hasn’t—gone somewhere for pleasure since our honeymoon. Does he know?”

“Lucia was telling him.”

“I better get a move on,” Etien responded, tossing her clothing into the trunk.

Estinien was more careful with what he was packing up of Aymeric’s clothes and items.

“Wait… where are we being sent?” Etien asked after a moment.

“Costa Del Sol,” Estinien replied.

Her eyes lit up. “He hasn’t had warm weather in, what was it, ten years, has he?”

“Well, other than the time he spent in Gyr Aban--”

“That doesn’t count, especially because it’s colder than--” She cleared her throat. “Very cold there, at night.”

Estinien laughed as the two of them kept packing.

Aymeric got home as night started to settle over Ishgard, and he was handed his bags and turned right around, Etien shepherded out after him.

“You two enjoy yourselves,” Lucia instructed them.

“And each other,” Estinien added.

Aymeric stammered, but Etien just winked as she linked her arm with Aymeric’s, striding the short path to the airship landing with a little wave over her shoulder.

By the time they arrived in Costa del Sol, it was too late to enjoy the beaches, or really anything the locale offered.

Well, there was a bar open on one of the piers.

“Do you want to get a drink, Aymeric?” Etien asked, pointing as she pulled her trunk behind her.

“I think we should probably get to whatever room those two booked for us and worry about libations later,” he said, offering his hand to take her trunk.

She took his bags and handed over the trunk handle, and they walked onward toward their accommodations.

They probably should have had something to eat, but once they’d put down each other’s things, they had both flopped onto the bed to test it, and sank into it.

It really had been too long since they’d taken a break.

When morning came, it was to the surprise of both of them.

“Guess we fell asleep,” Etien giggled, sitting up and stretching.

Aymeric, however, was burrowing further into the pillows.

With another laugh, Etien left bed.

The next time Aymeric woke up—already enjoying this little vacation because he couldn’t remember the last time he’d just slept without any little voice in the back of his head telling him he should be up—it was to see Etien hovering over him.

“G’morning, darling. Come on, it’s so nice out. We ought to take advantage of the sunshine.

He sat up, rubbing at his face. “What… oh, you look… nice.”

He rarely saw her dressed in so little. The little sarong, the top that bared her shoulders and midriff… the sandals and crown of flowers only completed the tropical look. The polar opposite of her usual apparel at home. And he loved it.

“I suppose I better get dressed, too, then,” he mumbled, walking over to his bag and fishing through it.

When they were both dressed and ready for the day, they set out, and Etien stretched wide when her feet sank into the sand, sighing loudly.

“Isn’t this wonderful?”

“It’s hot,” Aymeric stated.

“Well… take your shirt off, then.”

He blinked at her. “Should I?”

She grinned, eyes and eyeteeth glittering. “Why not?”

So he shed the shirt, and they wandered down the beach hand in hand.

They had settled into a rhythm much like that of the water washing over their feet, their clasped hands swaying between them when Etien asked, “Oh, did you want that drink now?”

Aymeric shook his head. “Later.”

Closer to nighttime, Etien had spotted a little cove she wanted to explore, wading into the water and beginning her broad strokes through it when it got deep enough. Aymeric followed, though a little more clumsily.

“I thought Miqo’te disliked deep water,” he said with a little chuckle as she shook the water off the tips of her ears and tail, droplets falling onto the warm sand.

“No, that’s tigers in Yanxia.” She said with a laugh as she squeezed water from her hair.

They settled in the sand to watch the sunset, Aymeric’s hand resting over Etien’s. “I must admit, hesitant as I was to let Lucia goad me into coming here, I am quite enjoying it.”

“Worried about leaving the knights on their own again?”

“A few hours is one thing. We’re to be gone several days, as I understand it.”

“Well, yes,” Etien began. “I think the point was that the first day, today, you might still be worried, but that tomorrow, or the day after, you would finally start to relax.” She leaned against his arm. “Plus, you have me to help you forget everything out there.” She started to purr.

“Are- you must be concerned about your own tasks as well,” Aymeric said, looking up at the clouds gathering in the darkening sky.

“Oh, of course I am,” Etien replied. “But I have to be. I have… a unique series of quandaries specific to me. You have Lucia, and the Temple Knights-- House of Lords, too-- can manage without their incredible lord commander or speaker for a little while.”

“When his wife needs him?”

“If he’s generous enough to consider it,” she said, knocking her shoulder into his arm.

“Always. I would, put to it, choose you over Ishgard.”

“I would never put you in that position,” she assured him.

“I know,” he said softly. “Which is certainly part of the reason why.”

She leaned against him again, watching the light fade from the land, and heaved a contented sigh. “It’s so nice, getting to pretend I’m normal. Just a lady on a spree with her beloved.”

“That is what you are,” he told her. “It’s what you were in the Shroud, and it’s what you are here. My dearest friend and beloved wife, and my personal springtime besides.”

“Aymeric,” she cooed.

“I speak the truth.”

“I know.” She wrapped her tail around his back. “...is it just me, or is it getting oddly dark?”

Aymeric looked upwards again. “Rain is coming, I think.”

In the space between him looking down again and Etien looking up, the skies had begun to unburden themselves of the raindrops, slowly at first, so they slid down Etien’s cheeks like inherited tears, and then picking up, soaking her clothing. 

Aymeric stood, offered her a hand so she could get up, too, and then began trotting down the beach, removing his shirt again to hold it over Etien so she didn’t get any more drenched than she already was.

“Where are we headed?” She called over the pounding of the rain.

Lamps were beginning to light across a bit of the water, and he pointed toward them. “You see those lamps? There!”

He carried on over land, but Etien headed for the water, splashing with her every step until she started swimming.

They made it to the other side, where the lamps were at the top of a structure that held a lot of beachgoers suddenly, at just about the same time (Aymeric would never admit that he’d full-on sprinted to keep pace with Etien swimming).

He shielded her from the rain still (despite her dripping from her swim), until they had made it under the roof of the structure, and then they both burst out laughing.

Etien looked up at him, and she didn’t say it, but she couldn’t help but think Gods, I’m so glad I’m here with you.

When Aymeric had settled down, he said, “I think I’m ready for that drink now.”

They sipped their cocktails merrily, watching the rain continue to fall just outside the safety of the bar.

“It’s only a shame we missed the best part of the sunset,” Aymeric sighed after a little while.

“I don’t even have it in me to be disappointed,” Etien murmured, though she did sort of agree. “The rain felt good.”

Here, with him, everything did.

[fleetofshippyships-archive]

Fanfic Author Meme

Tagged by @diligent-thunder and @rockmarina​ =)

Okay, so I’m me, and I talked way too much, so I’m putting this under a cut to save your dashes. You’re welcome 😘

Please do not reblog this post.

Author Name: 

Fleetofshippyships + Knowyourincantations + Legendaryroar

Fandoms You Write For: 

(in order of decreasing # of fics) Harry Potter, Voltron, Merlin, Yuri on Ice, Star Trek, Star Wars and then a few one-offs that aren’t really worth mentioning.

Where You Post: 

AO3 primarily, Tumblr, trying to post more on Pillowfort, I also post on a couple of sites for knowyourincantations

Most Popular One-Shot: 

Fleetofshippyships: Potter’s Insatiable Cock (Drarry, Explicit (duh XD), 20k (viewable only for logged-in AO3 users)).

Knowyourincantations: A Decent Start to Things (Pansmione, Teen, 7k)

Legendaryroar: Finding Time for Rest (Sheith (Voltron), Teen, 3k)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: 

RestraintNone of my old multi-chapter fics are available to read at this time and I don’t really write multi-chapter fics anymore.

If oneshot/drabble collections or two-shots count, then:

Fleetofshippyships: Vanilla and Sweet Spices (Drarry, Explicit, 2 chapters, 20k)

and this really doesn’t count, but technically it has multiple ‘chapters’ soooooooooo

Legendaryroar: Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships (Voltron), Explicit (duh), 31 ‘chapters’, 26k)

Favourite Story You Wrote: 

I don’t think I ever have a static favourite, I’ve just written too many things, I too quickly move on to the next (and frequently forget some of my own fics exist XD), but recently I re-read In Pursuit of Red Wine (Dreville, Teen, 29k) and really enjoyed that again, and I am really attached to it cos it was my first longish rarepair fic, kind of proving to myself that I can write longer rarepair stuff. 

I also recently re-read Unburdened (Merthur (BBC Merlin), Explicit, 2k) and really enjoyed that too, had a total disconnect from having written it since it’s been so long, so I was able to read it without self-judging, and oh boy that was nice. 

I’m also quite proud of Healing What’s Left (Parkgrass, Teen, 2k) for some reason, I dunno, maybe the dark political backdrop of the fic, or maybe just cos it’s the first time I’ve written Daphne as the main character and I’m happy with the result and now have some headcanons about her rather than her being an unknown blank character to me. 

I also binge read a lot of my Voltron stuff recently and had big feels over that so....I also specifically enjoyed re-reading The Perks of Skincare (Klance (Voltron), Explicit, 3k) again cos I dunno, I like how I wrote Lance XD and also the Sheith fic I linked earlier is a fav for sure. Shiro/Rest is the ultimate OTP.

It really depends how soon after I write something or when I go back to re-read it as to what my fav is at any given time (or people commenting on it and hyping me up for it again).

Story You Were Nervous to Post: 

Everything. But most recently I was terrified out of my mind before posting: 

Friday Night by the Fire (Harry/Neville, Teen, 583 words) because I have a lot of fears about screwing up trying to write ace characters and somehow not even making that a focal point of the drabble made it even more terrifying,  No More Waiting (TianShan (19 Days), Teen, 2k) because it was a new fandom to write in, Harry Potter and the Maudlin Merman series (Drarry, Teen+ Mature, 3k +6k) due to my feelings of inadequacy because it would be better as long fic but I struggle too much with writing these days to write long fics and can only manage short things. I’d rather write this as a long fic, but then I’d never finish it so connected oneshots are the best I can do right now, but I still feel it’s not good enough and have a meltdown whenever I post one. And speaking of which, I’ve been sitting on the next one for months and should probably just fucking post it already.

Actually, most recently: Minding One’s Limits (Cho/Ginny, G rated, 1.5k), because I gave Cho a disability modeled off my fibromyalgia and wrote a scenario similar to something I’d dealt with myself, it was incredibly uncomfortable to write in the first place, and then terrifying to post, even though it’s so short. But in the end I’m proud I finally wrote about it a bit? I dunno, might take me a while to work up the nerve again though XD (also was my first time writing that ship, so there was a lot of nervousness over that too)

Oh, and I was a super ball of anxiety posting  Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships, Explicit, 31 ‘chapters’, 26k) because for almost all of those it was the first time I was writing those kinks (and some were kind of squicks for me but I wanted to see if I could write them anyway cos I’m dumb like that) and in a lot of cases those ships were completely new for me to write too, in addition to trying to write and post 1 a day, so...yeah. Also that was my first time writing tentacle and human/werewolf smut so...yeah. I was an absolute mess that month and not in a fun way. But I’m still really glad I did it, it was fun =D

In summary, I’m always an anxious mess posting anything, but most especially if it’s something I’ve not written before or is personal to me XD

How Do You Choose Your Titles: 

Most of the time I’m staring down the empty title field in AO3 cursing like a fucking sailor when I choose titles XD Sometimes it’s a line/theme/feeling from the fic. Sometimes it’s totally random and just comes to me. Sometimes I just grasp the first thing that I can no matter how stupid it sounds cos it’s been three days and I still don’t have a title and I’m over it and ready to post before I lose my nerve.

And tbh, it’s only getting harder to think of titles as my number of fics increases, and I’ve now started thinking of the perfect titles only to realise I already have a published fic by that title so....TITLES CAN DIE A FIERY DEATH

Sometimes, not so much anymore, it would turn out that I would give a wip doc a name just so I’d know what it was, sometimes as a joke with whoever was reading it and cheerleading while I wrote it, and then I would refer to it by that and think of it as that so much that when it came time to actually give the fic a title, it was too late and I could not think past that stupid file name, and that’s how Potter’s Insatiable Cock happened, and how I very nearly called a Merthur fic Arthur’s Wanking Tower (saved that one at the last moment thank god cos the tone of that fic is actually really serious and emotional and wtf was I even thinking with that file name and actually I linked to that fic above XD it ended up being called Unburdened). 

Potter’s Insatiable Cock slipped through cos it’s actually relevant to the fic content and I could live with it.

But needless to say, I don’t give my wip docs joke names anymore XD

Do You Outline: 

Only if I never want to actually write the idea...once I outline, it’s over. I can’t write to a detailed plan. It stifles me. I’ll always get stuck having to try and think ahead to the plan, and then I lose the flow and nothing works because I’m a pantser/intuitive/instinctive writer not a planner. Sometimes I jot down ideas but in like, the vaguest of ways, usually more focused on emotional development than actual scenes or events or anything because then I won’t be able to write it (and I rarely stick to those vague ideas anyway). 

I can really only write when I’m staring down a blank doc with no idea where it’s going and discover it as I go (which is why writing is so fun for me). I can only finish a fic if I don’t think too hard about what’s going to happen next and just let it happen as I write. 

This of course means that editing is a fucking bitch when I finish anything, beginnings often get totally re-written, but if I plan, it just doesn't happen at all, so I’ll take the extra editing if it means I manage to write something.

I do have a lot of detailed plotty fic idea outlines...and I mourn them cos I’m never going to write them now, but they’re so goooooooooood XD

Complete: 

Online (across all 3 accounts): 381 (incl. my hidden drarry fics as they are technically online just hidden, not incl. individual oneshots/drabbles in collection ‘fics’, of which there are ridiculously many). Offline: 20 (I have the worst habit of just sitting on completed fics and I really need to stop)

In-Progress: 

Too many to name, last time I counted it was ~60 but that wasn’t even including my vld wips so...I don’t actually know. I hoard wips and just switch up what I work on all the time depending on mood/interest levels/effort required. 

Current main focuses are a 50k+ plotty Drarry (*fingerscrossed* cos this is my first time seriously attempting something long (will probably reach 80k at least) in a very long time and I put it down for a few months and thought that was it but then I picked it up again recently, yay!), and re-writing some hidden fics I can’t put them back up in the quality they’re in, I just can’t guys, they’re awful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about working on the longish 8th year Pansmione fic I started for the wlw big bang before I had to pull out of cos stupid life stuff. I might pick that up again for a bit too, couldn’t be more different from the Drarry one so it’d make a nice focus break =)

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: 

I don’t even plan fics I’m writing, I sure don’t plan ahead to stuff I haven’t even started XD The only think I can think of for this category would be me re-writing my hidden long Drarry fics.

Oh, and there will be a Merthur oneshot coming (hopefully) soon, because @april-thelightfury115​ won my custom fic giveaway with a merthur idea. Just waiting for my brain to cooperate so I can start that and not suck XD but I’m so fucking excited to write some Merthur again, you have no idea.

Oh, and lots more Sapphic September drabbles coming too, I’m way behind and only just posted day 11 cos this month is literal hell for me, but I am still planning on finishing the prompt list, no matter how long it takes, but no plan for those, not even which ships, I just sit down with the next prompt and a blank doc and see what happens.

Do You Accept Prompts: 

Yes, I love writing to prompts, I’m take them via google form here, but I’m in such a bad space with my health I’ve been really struggling with writing lately, managed to do a bit of editing (fuck knows how), but writing new stuff is so hard, so there’s a long wait while I wait for my fibro fog to ease off to the point I can write new stuff with more regularity (and less stupid errors I have to edit out later).

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: 

Again, I so don’t plan. But I really want to be making more progress on the long plotty drarry wip I’m trying to write. I’m still not sure I’ll have the guts to post it even if I do finish it, given its subject matter (it would make a great careers or consent fest fic tbh), but damn I’m really excited by it. Not sure I can maintain it being plotty and not revert to focusing on the relationship (which is easier for me), but I can only try and see what happens. (trying to write a non-relationship plot without planning is a nightmare but I don’t have a choice if I want to write it at all XD)

I’m also now excited for my longish pansmione wip too actually, just because it’s already longer than my Dreville long-ish fic and it’s exciting and scary to do longer rarepair stuff. I’m way out of my comfort zone with the fic itself, but I dunno, I re-read some recently and fell in love with it all over again, like, flustered lesbian-awakening, disaster for Pansy (but sure she still hates her) Hermione? YES PLEASE! and also, I am guilty of not writing female characters as much as I should because, well, canonically, they don’t have much depth and I’m very meh about them, but in this there’s a huge focus on them because they’re all determined to band together for 8th year and Hermione is making friends with them (Parvati is like, dragging her along all the time XD) where she once dismissed them so it’s scary but exciting =D I’m getting more practice with all the sapphic I do over on knowyourincantations, so I feel more confident working on this wip now =D

I’m also kind of excited about re-writing my old long fics, because they’re all 3 years old now, and my writing tastes (and skill, yikes) have totally changed, so it’s like I’m writing the story again but how I would write it now while maintaining the overall same plot, so it’s really interesting, like discovering the story all over again. Like in one (Making Malfoy Blush) I’ve gone as far as introducing a new side character to replace another’s parts because I no longer feel those parts are in character for them. It’s super terrifying, but it’s fun at the same time =) it’ll take me forever to do these though, so I dunno about ‘upcoming’ really, I only chip away every now and then when I’m unable to write new stuff but am still coherent enough to do something.

Eh, it is what it is, I can’t write like I used to, hence me being inactive more than active these days, but I’m trying to work within my new limitations instead of getting frustrated with them and just giving up entirely =)

---

Now, who to tag....I think anyone I would tag has already done it, and if not..I blame the fog if I’m forgetting someone obvious, if you wanna do it just say I tagged you so I can be nosy and take a look =)

Again, please do not reblog this post

[primal-screamer-blog1]

[popatochisssp]

Fur a Good Time, Call... 13/15

Series: Undertale, Horrortale Relationship(s): HT!Sans/Reader, HT!Papyrus & Reader, HT!Sans & HT!Papyrus Chapter Warnings: discussion of past suicidal ideation

You work at an animal shelter. You love all your fuzzy buddies and can’t imagine a better job for yourself than looking after cats and dogs all day, even when the work is hard and often gross. What can you say? You’ve got a lot of love to give!

You’re just not quite sure yet how you feel about the new monster who’s been helping out these days, and this riddle wrapped up in an enigma is something you just can’t resist investigating…

AO3 Link

Heart

It’s far from the last time you go to Grillby’s.

Now that Sans has broken the metaphorical ice, he seems intent on keeping his promise to Grillby to do better. The cozy little monster pub quickly becomes a regular spot for you, lunch breaks and date-nights alike.

You meet the occasional human here and there, friends or dates of the regulars or just people lucky enough to have stopped in and gotten hooked on the fire elemental’s stellar cooking…but mostly you get to know the monsters.

Audrey’s fascinated by human cuisine and takes cooking classes with Burr every Thursday night. Apparently, it’s their designated couple’s activity, and they’re such a subtle pair you never would’ve guessed they were together until they told you.

Some weird cat guy whose real name you can’t get out of anyone for the life of you—surely he can’t actually be named Burgerpants?—loves coming in and getting really high in the corner booth. You’re not about to judge, though: he’s always wearing a retail uniform when you see him and however tense and stressed out he is on his way in, BP’s always chill and smiling on his way out, so whatever works for him!

The dogs are a hoot and a half, especially when they find out that you work with dogs for a living. They only get more excited to learn that you and Sans actually have a dog at home, which leads to Buddy coming to visit Grillby’s one night and…

Well…it’s a good thing that you’re already used to loud barking from your time at the shelter. Your ears didn’t stop ringing for hours after that night.

Dino gushes about his son, Franco loudly negotiates gigs over his bluetooth, and Grillby…

Grillby doesn’t say much, actually, but his warm and glowing presence behind the bar is steady and reassuring.

You love it.

You love Grillby’s, and you love all the incredibly sweet and fascinating people you meet there, but most of all, you love what going so often is doing for Sans.

He’s…lighter these days, a little more unburdened. He smiles easier, jokes quicker, laughs louder, and it’s delightfully different.

……No.

On second thought…it’s not different at all.

He’s still Sans—your Sans, all the way down to his marrow—but just…more.

It’s Sans the way he is when it’s just you and Papyrus around, but more often, even at work where he’s usually so closed off and shy, and it feels like the coolest damn thing to get to see other people finally getting to know the sweet and funny guy you care so much about.

Your relationship with Sans takes a nice, easy slide into the comfortable; so comfortable, in fact, that you manage to give poor Papyrus another conniption about it.

“What Do You Mean, You Don’t Have Anything Planned?!”

Silently, you and Sans share a look and shrug.

You know that you, at least, feel an awful lot like a kid being scolded by the teacher for not handing in an assignment. It’s hard not to feel that way with Papyrus looming over you, hands on his hips and impatiently tapping his foot.

“I Am So Disappointed,” he tsks, completing the illusion. “You’re Just Going To Sit Around The House Like Lumps—”

That had been your plan.

“—On Your Own Six-Monthiversary???”

“i don’t think that’s a thing.”

“Of Course It’s A Thing, Sans!” Papyrus snaps. “Human, Tell Him It’s A Thing!”

“……I…guess?”

“There, You See? They Agree With Me! You’re Being A Terrible Datemate!”

Okay, you can’t let that go unchallenged.

“I don’t think that, baby,” you say to Sans, quietly but Papyrus hears you anyway.

“Don’t Tell Him That! He’ll Never Learn Without Consequences!”

You raise your eyebrows. “He would learn with consequences?” you ask incredulously.

“………Stop Making Valid Points!” Papyrus demands in return.

“i feel so attacked right now,” Sans chimes in, but he’s laughing so you doubt his feelings are really hurt.

“Well, How Do You Think They Feel?! Look At Them!”

Sans looks at you and you smile up at him.

“yeah, cute as ever.”

“No! Heartbroken! Let Down! Devastated!”

You don’t really want to make Pap a liar… You frown, just a little bit, utterly fake and disingenuous.

“Yes, Perfect, Like That!”

It’s a struggle not to ruin the expression by laughing.

“Sans, Your Poor Human Naïvely Hoped Against All Logic And Reason That You Might Do Something Special For Them On This Most Important And Momentous Of Days! That You Would Go Against Your Very Nature And Find One Tiny Romantic Bone In Your Body— ”

“ouch, ‘tiny’?”

“—And Sh………You Are Vulgar, Oh My God! For Once In Your Life Of Laziness And Terrible Puns, Be Serious—And Don’t You Dare Say You Can’t Be ‘Serious’ If You’re ‘Sans,’ I Am All Too Aware That You Are Sans!”

You give up, you’re laughing.

Your boys are just too fucking funny, watching them argue is like watching the best improv sketch you’ve ever seen.

“Look, You’ve Made Them Hysterical!”

“oh no. i’m the worst.”

“No One Is Arguing That, And You Are So Lucky That I’m Here To Help You.”

You take a moment to try and get yourself together, deep breaths and not looking directly at either of these damn jokers.

“Oh, Good,” Papyrus grins at you. “You’re Coming Around To Acceptance! I Think You Skipped Over Anger And Bargaining Somewhere In There, But I Admire Your Efficiency!”

Pfft! “Thanks,” you eke out, just barely tamping down a giggle.

“Now, Then,” he says, very seriously, settling a comforting hand on your shoulder, “Sans Is Going To Make Up For His Grievous Oversight And Take You On A Lovely Six-Monthiversary Date.”

“i am? cool.” Sans slings an arm around you, gently pulling you out of his brother’s grip. “been dyin’ for some cheesy fries—”

“No!” Papyrus tugs you back, glaring at Sans. “No Grillby’s! It’s Bad Enough That That’s Your Usual, You Don’t Go To Your Usual For A Six-Monthiversary! It’s A Special Occasion!”

Sans frowns, but seems to take the proclamation in stride. “alright, so…what do ‘i’ have in mind?”

“That’s! ……” Papyrus squints down at you. “That Obviously Has To Be A Surprise.”

Without further ado, you’re nudged carefully yet forcefully to the stairs—shooed away like a too-curious cat from a museum.

“Wait, Pap, what—”

“Don’t Argue!” he chides, unmoved by your confusion. “Go Wait Upstairs For Awhile! Sans Will Get You When His Surprise Is Ready!”

You spare a last look at Sans, who seems only mildly amused by whatever is happening here. He gives you a little wave that makes you smile, and you willingly disappear up the steps.

Down below you, you can still hear a faint exchange, hissed whispers and murmuring, but you can’t make any of the words out, so you don’t bother to keep eavesdropping.

Besides, a romantic surprise sounds…kind of nice.

Whether it was actually Sans’ idea or not, a date with your funnybones was always something to look forward to.

-

You decide to go hang out in Sans’ room while you wait.

You suppose Papyrus’ room is also an option—you don’t think he’d necessarily mind you waiting there—but you feel a little more comfortable encroaching on your boyfriend’s space than on Papyrus’.

You hang out with him in there a lot, for naps and indoor tornado-watching and majorly nerdy (but interesting), casual geology lessons with his rock collection, so it seems like the best option for now.

The piney scent of air freshener tickles your nose when you walk in and you figure Sans must’ve cleaned sort of recently. He’s been pretty good about that lately, maybe especially because you’re in here more often, and it makes you happy that he has a mostly tidy area for himself.

You still remember how cluttered it used to be, and even with a stray sock or discarded t-shirt on the floor here and there, it’s a major improvement.

(You are…a big enough person to admit to some envy over it. Your own room could certainly do with some attention and you make a mental note to take care of that soon.)

Sans’ desk is, naturally, the most organized: it’s where all his rocks are, meticulously sorted and catalogued by means that are…probably very scientific and make perfect sense.

To you, it seems totally random, but you still like to look at all of Sans’ cool specimens and see how many of them you can remember.

Tiger’s eye is easy and so is jade. You remember that the purpley-green one carved into an obelisk is fluorite because Sans made a hilariously terrible pun about it one time that apparently burned it into your brain.

The smooth whitish one in the middle of the desk is harder. It’s iridescent, which you’d think would make it easy to identify, but apparently you were really bad at telling the difference between moonstone and opal.

Sans, being your oh-so-hilarious funnybones, loved to swap them out on you and snicker when you got it wrong, so you pretty much give up on that one entirely.

The polished purple ball is definitely amethyst…ooh, or is it charoite? It looks kind of squiggly and you can’t remember if amethyst is ever that squiggly…

You need more light.

You flick on the desk lamp and the rocks illuminate, sheens and glitter galore that make you feel like some sort of goblin with a primal urge to hoard the shiny, sparkly things before you.

The purple is charoite for sure, and you’re…roughly eighty percent certain that the other one is an opal today, too many colors in it to be moonstone.

But you’re also a little distracted by the weird glint the extra light is causing down by the floor, behind the desk.

You bend down to investigate and find a stray rock, wedged between the desk-leg and the wall. It’s the work of seconds to get it free and when you’ve got it…

Huh.

It’s a decently-sized black rock, dusty where it had been face-up and shiny where it wasn’t. It must have been stuck down there a good long while.

You take your shirt to it, carefully wiping it off and making sure to be mindful the places where it sharply curves into peaked edges, and soon it’s shiny all over, gleaming almost mirror-like from your hand.

You’d never been quizzed on this one before, but obsidian was one of the more recognizable types of rocks out there.

Volcanic glass, your brain helpfully adds and you feel a burst of excitement at knowing a rock fact Sans didn’t have to tell you.

You wonder if he’d be proud of you for that and shake your head, feeling silly for the thought.

Of course he’d be proud of you, and then he’d probably immediately find a way to make a pun out of it. You weren’t sure how, ‘obsidian’ didn’t seem like a very punnable word, but if anyone could find a way, it would be Sans.

You smile and go to set the rock back on his desk where it belonged, but pretty quickly realize there’s a roadblock.

You don’t actually know where on the desk it belongs. There’s clearly some sort of system but you have no clue what it is.

Messing up one of the few things Sans has bothered to organize, even in a tiny way, feels…kinda rude…

You elect to hold onto it until Sans comes to get you.

Since you have no idea what the surprise is and what the wait time on it is, you also plop yourself onto the bed and get comfy.

No sense standing around forever for no reason, right?

You intend to take out your phone and start playing games to pass the time, but you end up playing with the little obsidian chunk in your hands instead. It’s enticingly smooth beneath your fingers, cool but rapidly warming to the heat of your body as you keep stroking your thumb over its surface without rhyme or reason.

Its edges are a little sharp and kind of jagged, but they’re pretty easy to avoid once you properly map them out and besides that, you like the way they look. It…it’s got character, like a lot of your favorite things in this life.

A lot of your favorite people.

You start to wonder if Sans would miss this particular little rock if you just went ahead and kept it, like that shiny-hoarding goblin you felt like a few minutes ago.

…Nah, that would be pretty uncool of you.

You’ll give it back when—

“hey, babe, y’ready for, heheheh, ‘my’ surprise?”

You sit up, grinning and chuckling a little yourself to see Sans holding a blanket and a picnic basket, of all things. “Oh boy, am I ever! Papyrus…does know it’s nighttime, right?”

“………”

You follow Sans’ gaze when he doesn’t answer you right away. He’s looking at the obsidian in your hands and you scoff.

“Oh, right, I, uh…I found this! I wasn’t sure where it was supposed to go, so I—”

“where?”

“What?”

“where…was that?” The tightness in Sans’ voice makes you frown. You’re suddenly extra glad you didn’t just steal it because it seems…important, somehow?

You can’t read it all, but there’s a lot of emotion on his skull right now, more than there should be for just some average, run of the mill rock.

You wonder what the story is, but ultimately, you don’t need to know.

“It was behind your desk. It must’ve fallen off or something,” you say. You hold it out to him, smiling gently. “Here, you can put it…wherever it’s supposed to be!”

Sans reaches for it. He’s unusually slow in taking it from you, his bony fingers just…hovering over your open palm for a long moment.

You look up at him in surprise when instead, he closes his hand around yours, the obsidian still inside.

“keep it,” he says.

“What…seriously?” Your eyebrows knit in something approaching concern. “But…”

“but nothin’. ya’ like it, don’tcha?”

Damn him and his ability to read you like a book sometimes. “Well…yeah, but…”

You weren’t sure how, but…it was an important rock to him, right? It had to be! Some…some sort of memento or…stars, maybe a family heirloom or something!

“i want you to have it,” Sans says simply.

His tone is surprisingly firm. You’re not sure you’ve ever heard him speak so matter-of-factly, so you know he means it, but still…

“It’s…it’s not important…?”

“nah.” That feels like a lie, but he immediately follows it with, “it was supposed to be away, i must’ve missed it in the great rock purge of 20XX. doesn’t belong on the desk, anyway, you’d be doin’ me a favor if ya’ just took it. really.”

“……You just don’t want to dig out the shoeboxes for it,” you accuse.

Sans laughs, deeply amused…and maybe just a little bit relieved.

“ya’ got me,” he admits. “s’a lotta work for one little stone and, uh, between you an’ me…i didn’t really get’cha anything for our six-monthiversary.”

You give him an exaggerated gasp of shock. “No!”

“i know, i know” he sighs, just as dramatically. “m’a cad. a scoundrel. a ne’er-do-well…whatever that is.”

“Harsh, but fair.” Sans releases your hand and you look at the…your obsidian. “Well…I’m honored by your thoughtless, last minute gift of rock.” You grin at him a little slyly. “Great minds think alike?”

Sans grins back. “you know it,” he says, and out comes the convenience store paperweight from his pocket, the one you’d bought him all those months ago back before you’d even been dating. “take it with me everywhere.”

You know he does and that makes you feel stupidly warm and gooey.

“I guess I can return the favor, now,” you say, slipping the obsidian into a pocket of your own. “Couples’ pocket-rocks: we’re gonna start a new trend.”

“heheheheheheh, trendsetters, that’s us.” Sans leans down to nuzzle the top of your head, gentle and sweet as always. “just be careful with it, yeah? s’a little sharp—you’re squishy.”

“I choose to take that as a compliment.”

“good, ‘cause it is one.” You get another gentle bump of teeth against your forehead and Sans pulls you to your feet. “c’mon, let’s go, i’ll tell ya’ all about your present on the way.”

Sans surprises you by actually walking all the way downstairs with you instead of just shortcutting you wherever it was you were going.

True to his word, he gives you a whole miniature lecture in the course of the trip about the care and keeping of your new obsidian—you learn that you can wash it with warm water and gentle soap, but not to use anything abrasive on it because that could damage the polished sheen.

You cut in when he starts to say it’s formed from molten rock to tell him that you know it’s volcanic glass, and just as you thought, he looks both surprised and proud of you for already knowing a rock thing.

He also says your observation was ‘ingenious’ but his inflection makes it sound an awful lot like the word ‘igneous,’ so you were right on both counts.

You sure know your big dork of a skeleton.

You notice the conspicuous lack of Papyrus and Buddy as you walk to your destination and figure Pap probably made the both of them scarce to give you and Sans a little privacy for your apparently very important milestone date and the consideration is appreciated.

So is the big, fluffy blanket that Sans slings around your shoulders as soon as you step out into the moderately chilly backyard.

Winter is on its slow way out still, but by now all the snow is melted and the air is what you’d describe as brisk instead of outright cold. With the blanket, it’s more than bearable, which is probably a good thing.

With the picnic basket and the telescope set up in the middle of the yard, you think you’re probably going to be out here awhile.

“Stargazing?” you ask, unable to disguise the excitement in your voice.

“heheheh, stargazing,” Sans agrees. He waggles the picnic basket enticingly. “plus snacks. Pap snuck a couple thermoses in there, could be soup, could be tea…”

“Could be cocoa.”

“endless possibilities.” The red of Sans’ eye-light looks pleasantly soft and warm beneath the cold, white moonlight and you find yourself instinctively leaning in. “happy six-monthiversary, babe.”

You kiss him. You don’t think there’s anything else you can do.

-

It takes…longer than you’re willing to admit to get to the actual date part of your date.

It’s hardly your fault that Sans’ nuzzling is addictive, or that his big hands stroking your back and shoulders through the blanket is something you never want to pull away from.

Eventually, though, you pick at the snacks while Sans fusses with the telescope a little, telling you how to use it while he picks a good spot in the mostly cloudless night to settle it on.

You’re surprised that Papyrus just had something like this lying around, and Sans surprises you even further by admitting it’s his—the same one he once told you he rented out Underground.

“could only look at a ceiling back then,” he says, distractedly. “view’s way better up here. c’mon, take a look.”

You get up and wander over to the telescope, hesitating a second because the last thing you want to do is damage one of Sans’ older possessions.

“don’t worry, i wiped the paint off the eye-piece,” Sans promises. “Pap made me, you’re safe.”

You laugh. “God, of course you pranked people with it, I should’ve known…”

Still, you trustingly look through the telescope, hoping Papyrus really did have your back on this one.

You forget all about it when you see the stars, closer and brighter than you’ve seen them in a long time—maybe ever.

“Wow…”

Sans comes up behind you, helping you adjust and move the telescope around here and there to different corners of the heavens. It really is a view that’s just…

“beautiful…”

You pull away, tilting your head back to find Sans observing the sky with just his own eye-sockets.

The dreamy awe on his skull makes you feel even cozier than your blanket and you gently nudge him in the ribs. “You want a turn on your own telescope, or…?”

Sans doesn’t even look at you as he says, “nah, m’good. this is plenty for now.”

You huff out a little laugh, leaning back against Sans and just looking up with him. “You really love the sky, huh?”

“understatement,” he murmurs. “it’s wild that ya’ just…have this, all the time.”

You can’t imagine what living your entire life in a cave must’ve been like. You don’t care to, it can’t have been good, even before it got a million times worse with the famine and everything attached to it.

“What’s your favorite kind of sky?” you ask him, curious.

“what, ever?” You make a noise of agreement and Sans pauses to consider it. “sunrise, probably. all the colors…an’ the sun, that was a hell of a thing, that first time…”

Sounds right. You’d seen some truly incredible sunrises in your time on this planet and even when you took them for granted, you still always thought they were pretty.

“even…even this, though,” Sans says. “even when it’s night an’ the sun is gone, ya’ still get this. the moon, an’ clouds, an’…an’ stars, damn…there’s so many, i never…i never thought…”

He trails off and you let him. You can guess the ways he may have finished it and you don’t need him to say any of them.

Instead, you say, “There’s a million constellations, too. You know any? I can pretty much just point out the dippers, and that’s on a good day. Well, night.”

“heheheheh…funny you ask, i, uh…” he sounds a little shy as he admits, “i used to wanna learn about that stuff…constellations, y’know. …never got around to it.”

“How come?”

“……”

You can’t look up anymore when Sans settles his chin atop your head, hugging you closer to him.

“…never had much hope,” he says eventually. “lot of us did, i guess. even after the…the human.” He chuckles a little and it sounds tired. “Pap always believed…that we’d get up here one day, see the stars for real. but i…i dunno, it was harder for me to…to think that way. it didn’t seem like a thing that’d ever happen.”

“It did though,” you’re quick to remind him. “You’re here. You’re out.”

You get a grateful little squeeze for that. “yeah, i know. just…wasn’t always that way. didn’t see much point learnin’ stuff i was never gonna get to use.”

You reach up, idly petting at one of the arms Sans had wrapped around your midsection. The worn, blue fabric of his hoodie is much softer than the sturdy bones beneath it, but you find you love them both in equal measure.

“i, uh…actually, for awhile there…” Sans speaks haltingly, carefully weighing each of his words, and you keep quiet and let him. “when we…started collecting souls again…and seeing the surface seemed like it was actually gonna happen…i…i kinda hoped i…wouldn’t see it?”

“…What do you mean, baby?”

Sans takes a breath from behind you, holding it before letting it out in a whoosh.

“i…i used to hope i’d dust before we ever got up here.”

A bolt of fearful grief strikes through you, robbing you of speech.

Sans keeps talking, though.

“thought it’d be hunger,” he says, too casually for the subject matter. “always…i always felt it the most in between humans…hoped i would……an’ then i wouldn’t have to…to do it again. or maybe karma’d get me, one of ‘em would…would see me comin’ an’ fight back, dust me then.”

This wasn’t…entirely new to you. Sans had talked about this once before, briefly, telling you in passing about feelings like these.

It had come on the heels of so much other shocking information and it had been painful to hear then, but it feels so much worse now to hear Sans talk about dying.

You think you hadn’t loved him then, not the way you do now, and stars above, you do love him now.

The very thought of Sans not being around wouldn’t feel so much like losing a limb if you didn’t.

You’re not sure if you make a sound or if he can just feel that you’re upset, but Sans nuzzles at you, making hushing noises of comfort.

“s’okay, baby, s’okay, i’m not…you don’t gotta worry about me, i never… made an attempt or anything, i don’t…i don’t got that in me. s’just how i felt sometimes, on the bad days. i wanted…to punish myself, i think. for doin’ the stuff i did.”

His arms uncurl from your body and his hands are held out just in front of you. By the moonlight, you see the pale bones of his metacarpals, scraped and rough, and you don’t hesitate a second to fill them with your own hands.

“You don’t…” You bite your lip. “Do you…still think that way…?”

You’re a little afraid of the answer, but you need to hear it.

Sans spins you around to face him, your arms briefly tangling in your urge to not let go of Sans, but when you get it all sorted out…

He’s smiling at you, warm and real.

“no,” he says. “i don’t. not really.”

Your relief is so strong that for a moment, you feel weightless.

“got my bad days. happens, but…not bein’ around doesn’t really appeal the way it used to, y’know? got more stuff i wanna stick around for.”

There aren’t words for how happy you are to hear that.

“i got Pap, the guys at grillby’s, all those fluffy idiots at the shelter…” He chuckles a little and adds, “the fluffy idiot back in the house.”

“Hey,” you manage to say sternly, “that’s no way to talk about our son.”

One of his hands leaves yours, coming up to cradle your cheek.

“i got you, too,” he says softly, looking down at you with lidded eye-sockets.

For a second, you’re sure your heart is about to beat out of your chest, but he breaks your gaze to look up again.

“an’ i got the sky. there’s a whole lot of stuff for me to hope about these days, and...” Sans smiles just a little bit wider. “hell, i think i’d even say i’m…happy.”

Stars, you’re happy, too.

Here, in the arms of the strongest, most wonderful man you know, you don’t think you could be any happier.

You really do love him.

You press your face into his hand, turning just enough to be able to kiss it.

“Hey,” you say against his palm, “let’s learn constellation stuff.”

Sans snorts, building into a not-entirely-dismissive laugh.

“what, for real?” he says, like he can’t quite believe you said it. “you don’t think it’s, uh…heheheh, a little late for me to be learnin’ new stuff?”

He raps his knuckles against his skull with a hollow ‘tok-tok,’ but you don’t let it deter you.

“That’s why I wanna do it together!” you explain. “We can help each other out, it could be fun. Couples’ astrology!”

You see him trying and failing to hold back another laugh. “astronomy,” he corrects you. “unless you’re askin’ me what my sign is. real roundabout way of doin’ this, you’re supposed to ask my sign an’ then date me, what if we’re not compatible?”

“Pffff, shut up, we’re compatible,” you insist. “You know the right kind of star-charts to google, and me…” You smirk at him, a crafty glint behind your eyes. “I make some killer flashcards.”

Sans stares at you for a few seconds, processing.

You go on high-alert when his eye-light starts doing that shivering thing again, but this time… This time, it doesn’t stabilize into its normal, perfectly round shape.

Your mouth drops open when you see it.

“Sans,” you breathe, your eyes going wide. “That’s adorable, I didn’t know you could do that!”

“………do what?”

“…Oh my god.” Your hand comes up to cover your mouth. “You don’t even know you’re doing it…?”

Sans frowns a little, starting to look concerned. “doing what?”

It’s so, so hard not to squeal, but… “Your eye is a heart, baby.”

The big, red heart-shape taking up Sans’ eye-socket is the cutest, sweetest thing you’ve ever seen. You love it, almost as much as you love Sanswhich, as you’re starting to realize, is a hell of a lot.

Sans is maybe not quite as thrilled about his eye-light’s new trick as you are.

As soon as he realizes what you’ve told him, he’s practically blushing his skull off, hurriedly covering his face and whirling away from you like you hadn’t seen what you’d just seen.

Unfortunately for his pride or his ego or whatever was bruised right now, you aren’t exactly prepared to let it go.

You chase after him, trying to tug his arm away. “Come ooooon,” you whine playfully, “that was cute, I wanna see it!”

“no, nuh-uh,” Sans grumbles, trying to be gruff to scare you off, but he can’t fool you after that affectionate display.

He’s a softie, through and through, and you can’t get enough of it.

“Saaaaaans…!”

“no! quit it! it’s not, don’t!”

There’s a bit of a scuffle that’s about as one-sided as you could imagine: you’re a wily little human and he’s a gentle giant of a skeleton who’d never lay a hand on you.

Even when your blanket falls off and you both hit the ground on top of it, Sans manages to roll so that he takes most of the impact and you end up…well, exactly where you want to be—on top of him, bracing yourself against his rib-cage while he lies on his back beneath the moon and the stars.

You take a moment to catch your breath, winded from the little play-fight and your laughter. It’s a little disappointing to see that his eye-light is back to its normal shape, but you try not to get too down about it.

If you got him to do it once, you could get him to do it again. You’d just have to try harder from now on.

Sans is…very handsome from this angle, in this lighting. You think he’s handsome pretty much all the time, but right now especially…

You wonder if now would be a good time to tell him that thing you just realized, with that four-letter word that so many people were scared to say.

You open your mouth, ready to tell him.

“I—”

“y’shouldn’t play rough like that, that’s grounds for a break-up.”

“…snrk!”

So like Sans to break the tension with a shitty joke.

It’s part of the many, many reasons you love him.

You laugh and he grins proudly, his embarrassment easily forgotten and you’re happy to help it along by leaning down for a kiss.

“Stop trying to distract me,” you say against his teeth. “Let’s talk about those flashcards. Four-by-six?”

“ya’ gotta be kiddin’, with the size of my hands?” They land on your hips, holding your much smaller self steady with ease. “five-by-eight is barely good enough. lined or unlined?”

“Lined,” you say forcefully. “Don’t you ever suggest unlined to me again, I’m offended.”

Sans laughs. “offended over note-cards, an’ you call me a nerd?”

You hit him with the flattest look you can manage.

“Sans, you gave me a lecture on the care and keeping and properties of obsidian on the fly. No prior notice. Yeah, you’re a nerd!”

“that’s in these days, though, right? nerds are hot?”

Yours sure was.

“Eh, you’ll do,” is what you say.

It seems to be the right thing because Sans happily pulls you down for another nuzzle that you enthusiastically return.

All things considered, it’s probably the best six-monthiversary date you’ve ever had.

Prev Chapter | Next Chapter

[littlehollyleaf]

Your Riddler Oracle Au (that you will never write) seriously sounds amazing. You could even add the tragedy kink in with Eddie becoming more and more enticed with the dark side (a 'personal trap' (description stolen from Norman Bates) because of his abusive upbringing) and both Batman and Foxy end up worrying about him as he slips more and more. Kinda like a telltale thing with John Doe, but dealing with Foxy way more, because of the years of love they had. Sorry, too much nerding of your au. 8P

(Au anon being overly annoying over here) it can even include Eddie becoming somewhat enamored with Ozzie, or the idea of Ozzie, similar to that Harley Quinn parallel post you put up earlier. Basically tempting that part of his mind to the dark side.

HI ANON I AM FINALLY REPLYING!

Firstly I just - god bless you for being so excited about my daydream ramblings

I ramble more OVER HERE with more AU thoughts/plotting that touches on Ed being tempted by darkness a little. Cos in my scenario I imagine him still trying/wanting to kill Tom Doughty - it’s just lucky that Foxy stops him in time. Plus I’d keep the whole bit with Eddie in Arkham torturing Bruce and Foxy, so he’d be tapping into his darker, slightly sadistic desires there (though in my scenario I picture him being influenced/brainwashed by Hugo into doing that - which, hi hi, has now been stolen as a plot by the show perhaps?? :p).

In the link above I stop my imagining at the end of S02, but listen... I HAVE SO MANY MORE FOXMA CANON-AU IDEAS, FOR REAL. IT KEEPS ME ENTERTAINED DURING BORING DAYS OKAY?? 

So, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but you inspired me to write them down.

Please forgive me for the insanely extensive ramble!

So, as I hint in the link, I was thinking -

S03 Eddie as Chief of Staff to Ozzie plot al a canon

For purposes of ~drama I like to daydream that Eddie is on compulsory sick leave from the GCPD because whatever Hugo did to him at Arkham has been fucking him up a little - causing him to have violent episodes, hallucinations..... basically I guess the mental break that happened after he killed Tom in canon

Foxy has been the wonderful, caring, loving, supportive boyfriend we all know he would be and helping Ed as best he can through all this

Oh they are also totally living together now

But Ed is scared to talk to Foxy about all the dark impulses that Hugo’s tinkering has brought to light in him because Foxy is (so he thinks) all pure and stuff and Ed doesn’t want to burden him or risk scaring Foxy away

Plus Ed is going crazy not being able to work

So one day when he turns up at the GCPD trying to convince Jim to let him come back and is refused (politely and with sympathy) he just SNAPS and RAGE QUITS and stomps out... only to be found moping on the sidewalk a while later by Ozzie

Now Ozzie, like in canon, has grown rather fond of Ed due to Ed nursing him back to health after being shot by Galavan and ofc in this world from Eddie going to visit him in Arkham and then trying to save him from Hugo

So on learning that Ed has been, so Ozzie spins it, ‘fired’ for being ‘violent’ or whatever, Ozzie immediately offers Ed a job helping in his Mayoral campaign

Probably Ed and Ozzie end up having a little chat about violent impulses and the like too, because it’s easier to talk to an infamous violent criminal about such things than it is with a seemingly innocent, saintly boyfriend, causing Ed to immediately warm to the idea of working with Oswald and maybe by doing so being able to unburden himself of his troublesome thoughts/feelings and... maybe even find some possible outlets for them...? ie. being enticed towards darker acts like you suggest anon!

When Ed reveals this to Foxy though, Foxy is... NOT HAPPY with the idea of Ed working with a criminal like Ozzie. Partly because he does not approve of the idea of Oswald as a Mayor and partly because he fears it won’t be good for Ed’s mental health

Which leads to a HUGE FIGHT with Eddie claiming that Foxy is being unfair about Oswald and treating Ed like he’s a child who can’t make his own decisions and the more Foxy tries to explain that’s not true the worse it sounds and the madder Ed gets. Plus any defence of Ozzie is met with disdain by Foxy. Until eventually they build up to some kind of ultimatum where Foxy tells Ed that ofc he’s capable of making his own decisions, but if he agrees to work with Oswald then Foxy can’t in good conscious continue with their relationship!

So a furious Ed is just - FINE THEN! And packs up his stuff and leaves.

And you can tell that both of them regret this RIGHT AWAY - Ed hovering outside the door on the verge of returning, Foxy with his hand on the doorknob poised to go after Ed and apologise

But in a tragic twist of timing they fail to make up - just as Eddie is about to return some neighbours walk by and see him with his suitcase and he feels compelled to walk on, then just as he’s out of sight Foxy plucks up the courage to open the door only to find Ed gone, noooo

Leading to Eddie turning up at the Van Dahl mansion suitcase in hand (maybe wet too, let’s imagine it raining!) where he tells Ozzie - yes I’ll take the job, but, I also kinda need somewhere to stay...

This is where the nygmobblepot - enticement towards darkness part really comes in!

Ozzie welcomes Ed in with open arms ofc and his journey to becoming Mayor plays out pretty much as in canon, with Eddie doing his supportive stuff and dipping into ‘lightly’ criminal behaviour to do so

Ozzie completely falls for Ed along the way, makes him Chief of Staff etc.

Ed is maybe, slightly, starting to develop deeper feelings for Ozzie too... and maybe there’s a bit of a ‘rebound’ aspect to it, but maybe not... plus Ozzie HAS been constantly accepting of Ed’s ‘darkside’ without judgement, which endears him to Ed, as well as the opportunities Ozzie may have provided to allow Ed to indulge said darkness (letting Ed help with interrogations and the like)

(also a lot of the warmth we saw build between Ed and Ozzie in S02 would totally have happened here as well - so they’ve got that history)

Meanwhile Foxy has taken over Ed’s job at the GCPD and watches Ed’s advancement on the news with growing concern... but also a little pride? Because... Ed seems happy... and healthy... and... maybe Oswald isn’t doing a TERRIBLE job as Mayor? (since Foxy wouldn’t know about the ins and outs of Ozzie also running the criminal underworld and how ever more deeply involved Ed is becoming with that)

UNTIL

That fateful day Ozzie plucks up the courage to confess his feelings and Ed stops off at a liquor store to purchase a bottle of wine.......

Only ofc it’s not Isabella Ed runs into 

So Ed finds Foxy while buying wine. They end up talking through the night. Both of them apologise for past behaviour. Foxy even reluctantly compliments Ozzie maybe. They both admit they miss each other. Feelings are rekindled. Kisses. They agree to try again.

Ed on learning the time, as in canon, rushes back to a frantic Ozzie and reveals that he and Foxy have decided to rekindle their romance and ISN’T IT GREAT?? :p

All the stuff about ‘second chances’ that Ed applied to Izzy in canon now fits rather nicely with him and Foxy :)

Ozzie’s jealousy progresses as in canon... to its inevitable conclusion (maybe there’s even a moment of crisis where Ed tries to break up with Foxy out of fear that he will hurt him, like he feared with Izzy, but Foxy also calms Ed’s fears... albeit without creepy cosplay... but maybe with rough sex though...? Foxy showing Ed that he’s not an innocent snowflake and can handle it if Ed needs to be a little dark...??)

OFC IN THIS SCENARIO OZZIE FAILS TO ACTUALLY KILL FOXY!

BUT - there’s a brief time where Foxy SEEMS to be dead (perhaps a mangled body was found in/by his crashed car that there is enough evidence to SUGGEST is Foxy for everyone to believe it... but actually it was a homeless man Foxy was giving a lift to a shelter or something... look you can’t expect me to think of ALL the details!)

AND OKAY HERE’S THE THING - while Ed thinks Foxy is dead, his whole development into The Riddler PLAYS OUT JUST AS IN CANON after Izzy died

So that’s - going through discovering Foxy was ‘murdered,’ blaming Butch, the whole bit with him and Tabby and the mini-guillotine, learning it was Ozzie who did it, teaming up with Babs etc against him, all the way to the docks and everything

Until we get lost and confused Ed post-Ozzie’s death going on his academic killing spree and sending riddles to the GCPD

Unhappily for Ed he only has poor Harvey to play with, since Jim is off doing important Court of Owls related plot business and Foxy is ofc unavailable

During it all Ed has some AMAZING hallucinations of BOTH OSWALD AND FOXY though... I confess I haven’t thought those through... but they DEFINITELY HAPPEN

How Harvey gets on with the chess and ‘belly of the beast’ stuff idk... maybe Lee helps... but somehow he muddles through to the finale with Eddie dangling him over the stairwell and asking his final three riddles

EXCEPT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME A WILD VERY MUCH ALIVE FOXY APPEARS AND BEGS ED TO STOP

Ofc Ed just thinks he’s hallucinating at first until Harvey exclaims his shock at Lucius being alive

Cue an intense, emotional conversation. Foxy, as in canon, twigs that Ed has killed Penguin. Ed counters, desperately - he killed you! Foxy is sympathetic. Loving. Reassuring Ed that he isn’t dead (he’s been in a coma listed as a John Doe or something, shhhh, details), that they can make this right

You can see Ed wants to believe this so badly... but he is torn... he’d built himself up into becoming a criminal, felt like fate had pushed him into it, he’d felt READY to be that man

How? he cries. How can we make this right? It’s not just Oswald. I’ve done things, killed people. I’ve killed people, Foxy, and I liked it!

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, Foxy would insist. You’re still my Ed. My Riddler. Please, you don’t have to do this.

And Foxy would move closer, reaching out. 

And Ed would be on the verge of taking Foxy’s hand.

...but that’s when the rope holding Harvey would snap.

And a pained Ed would shake his head and back away - I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it’s too late!

Leaving Foxy to catch a falling Harvey while Ed runs away

I’m sorry I know this is too long and ridiculous but it’s been on my mind for SO.LONG and I’ve got a whole Court of Owls bit as well

In an effort to slot this whole AU into the canon as much as I can I picture Ed going on to try and be a criminal like he does in the show - green suit, robbing three banks in one night and all that (but I’m vetoing the use of the name ‘Riddler’ at this point)

Meanwhile Foxy is, just, distraught back at the GCPD - INSISTING to Jim and everyone that Ed is not himself, that he needs help, that they need to find him, that if they just find him he can talk Ed down he promises

And Jim is sympathetic probably, reassuring Foxy that the GCPD is doing all they can, that they all care about Ed (which may or may not be stretching the truth some at this point) and will do their best to bring him in without hurting him (Kristen, who is still alive, is also on Ed’s side maybe?)

Then we’ve got Babs drawing Ed into the Court of Owls stuff

And Ed in this AU is... much more obviously conflicted about his current life choices and acting reckless/suicidal (because dramatic death seems like an easy way out of his current emotional struggles)

So, as in canon, he jumps at the chance to poke at a dangerous, secret organisation

The whole thing with the Mayor and Jim at the GCPD plays out and Jim lets the Court capture Ed (which Foxy is PISSED to learn about after the fact because W.T.F Jim you promised you would bring him in safe! why didn’t you tell me? I could have talked him out of it if I’d been there!)

Cue Ed discovering Ozzie is alive and the two of them teaming up to bust out together

Cut to Foxy returning to the GCPD late at night - he’s forgotten a file he needs, he’s been very distracted lately

Only when he enters the building he finds - ED, in full ‘not-Riddler’ outfit, sitting at one of the desks

Foxy assumes Ed has come to see him, but what he doesn’t notice is that Ed is as surprised to see him as Foxy is to find him

But before they can have a real conversation - Jim arrives

And Foxy, like, PANICS and jumps in front of Jim, yelling at Ed to run, to just go, he’ll stop Jim, Ed just needs to get out before he’s caught (Foxy has grown less enamoured of the plan to have the GCPD catch Ed since Jim let the Court take him)

Except Ed just puts a quiet hand on Foxy’s shoulder and tells Foxy he’s sweet... but actually it’s Jim he’s come to see, dun dun!

TWIST - it turns out that Ed has been WORKING WITH/FOR JIM ever since Babs approached him about the Court

Eddie had found Jim and offered to become a spy on the Court if Jim promised to clear his criminal record in return

Meaning the whole ‘letting Ed be captured by the Court’ was really a ruse Jim and Ed had concocted together to get Ed inside the Court

Brief comedy moment where Jim is all - nice to see where your priorities lie though, Lucius - about Foxy trying to help Ed escape justice :p

Foxy is all - ?????? about all this ofc. But focuses on how dangerous it was for Ed to let himself be captured by the Court

Ed just shrugs off his possible death - it’s the only way he could see to untangle himself from the criminal he’d become, to stand any chance of him and Foxy getting back to how they were

There’s a quick debrief with Jim - unfortunately Ed learnt little, only that Ozzie is still alive (which Jim already knew at this point) and that the Court are planning something big

Foxy wants to take Ed home at this point - end the whole thing. But Ed thinks he should go back to Babs etc - that he might be able to learn more while still a criminal

(also secretly Ed is still reeling over Ozzie not being dead and there is a dark part of him that very much wants to try and kill Ozzie again)

Then we have Jervis and his blood being needed to cure the virus the Court unleashes

In canon Ed helps Babs take Jervis from Jim, then Jim bargains with Ed, offering him Ozzie to get him to hand Jervis over.... 

I’m fuzzy on how this would work in the AU... maybe Ed actually helps figure out that Jervis’ blood is key to the cure?

...I think...he would have to NOT be involved in Babs kidnapping Jervis, because he’d WANT Jim, Foxy etc to get Jervis’ blood, WANT to help cure the virus

But Babs ends up with Jervis anyways

So in this scenario Ed calls Jim to let him know he can get him Jervis..... BUT.... in the meantime Ed has discovered Jim has Ozzie and his dark impulses get the better of him - he refuses to hand Jervis over unless Jim delivers Ozzie

He tried to kill the man I love, Jim, Ed insists.

So Jim, making very sure not to tell Foxy, agrees

We get the warehouse scene (...maybe without the hand grenade around Jervis... maybe not :p)

Followed by Ozzie knocking Ed out, the car, Ed seemingly escaping...

...and on to the second docks scene

EXCEPT EXCEPT EXCEPT

When it comes to the pivotal moment when Ed has the chance to shoot Ozzie again and get it right this time...

...HE DOESN’T

He thinks of Foxy and of the better man Foxy sees in him and realises that’s the man he wants to be

I can’t, he says. If I do this, Lucius and I are over. I can’t be this man and still be with him. 

He gives Ozzie back the gun

Ozzie gives him a curious look

You really love him, don’t you?

Ed nods

Ozzie nods back, understanding. Then lifts the gun and pulls the trigger

It’s unloaded ofc - and Ozzie explains about taking out the bullets, nods to where Freeze and Ivy are appearing behind Eddie

Ed asks if Ozzie is going to kill him and Ozzie says he considered it, that he considered worse - it all depended on what Ed chose to do

But since Ed chose to spare him, Ozzie spares Ed as well and tells him to go back to the man he loves - something sappy about life only giving you one true love and Ed is lucky to have found his

Maybe Ed looks at Ozzie thoughtfully (slightly longingly?) for a moment and says something about - maybe, in another lifetime...

Cut to Foxy returning home after... helping with the virus cure... whatever he was doing at the end of S03!

Ed is waiting for him inside. In the dark, so Foxy is surprised by him when he turns on the light. Because Ed is embracing his Extraness now :p

INTENSE EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION

Foxy has discovered that Ed asked for Oswald and Jim gave him up and confronts Ed about it

Ed says he took Oswald to the docks to shoot him... but like, leaves it a little unclear for a bit what actually happened because he wants to know how Foxy would react to him having killed Ozzie, for real this time

And here’s my kicker - Foxy disapproves... but he accepts it. Is willing to still be with Ed, even knowing Ed has committed premeditated murder in what is arguably sound mind (his killing spree after Foxy’s ‘death’ being something Foxy has been justifying as a result of mental illness)

Which is, ofc, a hell of an emotional boost to Ed!

Cue angry, relieved punching when Ed reveals the truth 

...some stuff with Ed insisting that he’s different now - they can’t go back to how they were, there’s a ‘darkness’ in him and that’s not going to change

Foxy telling him he understands. 

Something like - this is Gotham, living here, you need some darkness in you or you won’t survive...

....some kind of fancy wordplay anyways that shows that Foxy can handle darkness and isn’t exactly all light himself

Which leads to kinky sex

THE END

only not ofc :p

because you have all of S04... 

I don’t have a full plot for that, but I imagine Ed getting involved with Ozzie’s battle with Sofia somehow, because Ed withstanding torture for Ozzie and Ozzie giving up his revenge for Ed is just.... TOO GOOD and I need it to exist in this AU as well...

I have out of context ideas about Ed helping with Martin as well still, and he, Foxy AND OSWALD end up all living together with Martin for a bit (or at least Martin lives with Ed and Foxy and Ozzie comes to visit)

...which ties in to my secret Endgame Scenario where, in the midst of proper Batman times, Ozzie EVENTUALLY (after lots of criminal shenanigans) ends up going (mostly) legit and he, Eddie and Foxy develop a working poly relationship... but that’s in the far future :p

(also I’ve got a whole ~THING where Eddie finds out Foxy works for Batman - cos it’s not Foxy’s secret to tell, right? so I figure he would feel honour bound to keep the fact Bruce is Batman even from his boyfriend... only Eddie is not dumb and notices Foxy working later than he should and maybe Foxy’s excuses don’t hold up and whatnot and long story short Eddie becomes, reluctantly, convinced that FOXY MUST BE HAVING AN AFFAIR, even though it doesn’t fit his character AT ALL and by all accounts shouldn’t make sense... so anyway, yeah, he confronts Foxy, and Foxy CAN’T tell him the truth, so with Foxy refusing to explain himself Eddie is forced to conclude that his suspicions must be correct and it’s all just awkward and upsetting...

...only obviously Ed finds out the truth soon after - I keep picturing a scene where he comes upon Barbara Gordon at the GCPD (which Eddie goes back to work at fyi - teaming up with Foxy there for a bit till Foxy goes back to Wayne Enterprises). He finds her trying to hack into Batman’s radio, because she’s a fan. And because Eddie needs a distraction from his homelife (and is also a fan) he helps her and they succeed, only to listen in to Batman having a conversation WITH FOXY, leaving Ed all - ??????!

and ofc he hijacks the line and is all - FOXY THE FUCK?! 

...followed by a shocked (slightly awed) - FOXY OMG ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BATMAN??

to which Bruce and Lucius are both - aaaaah! wow, omg, fucking NO!

...and yeah, that’s how Ed finds out his boyfriend works for the Bat and ultimately leads to him (and Barbara) joining the team :p)

Soooo... yes... there we go. A more detailed look into my ‘Ed and Foxy were friends at uni’ foxma AU version of Gotham/Batman, including Eddie having an ongoing, complicated relationship with Oswald which involves him constantly struggling with his darker impulses and being tempted to... less than lawful/ethical/moral behaviour.

(I feel like maybe sometimes as well, when Eddie is working alongside the Bat Fam, he maybe... quietly orchestrates things so certainly particularly vile villains end up, um, ‘unalive’ ...but in ways that aren’t obviously deliberate... or maybe even occasionally, secretly teams up with Ozzie to help bump off various people...

oh shit and yeah that’s the other thing - in this AU, when Eddie becomes Oracle!Riddler... mostly I just take it as read that Ozzie 100% knows it’s him from the get go... but he just... never says anything... and even though he knows that technically he could probably go after Eddie and try and torture the identity of Batman out of him, Ozzie just... doesn’t... because - love, you know? ;p)

God this is way too long, I’m so very sorry...

[let-me-be-your-home]

Supernatural - The Scar review

At the end of the last episode it seemed to me that though Dean was back, maybe Micheal hadn’t entirely left him. And I was excited for that premises, of wondering over the next few episodes what action was Dean’s and what was of Micheal. BUT in a way I am glad now that this is Dean back. Dean’s absence is felt in every moment, even when other characters are doing a lot to add to the story. But he is partly the soul of the show, breathing into every bond, every moment and giving so much that his absence felt like a void. 

This episode tied up and started many tracks, and loved the tone it took. 

1. It was wonderful to see Sam and Dean together. Them in one frame, interacting, caring, overwhelmed to be with each other just fills the screen with magic. THEY are the show. All their interactions from Dean teasing Sam, assuring him he is fine, hoping Sam understands his need to hunt, and the final moment when he unloads to Sam (something he always ends up doing even if he tries to cage his feelings) They were a wide range of emotions to and fro between the brothers and I am glad they chose to highlight Sam’s concern’s and Dean’s trauma. 

2. It’s very telling and also keeping in with Dean’s character that whenever he goes through something scary or traumatic he falls back on rushing into a hunt, and the way he expresses his fear or concern ends up coming out as anger. And the show did a good job of Kaia getting under his skin. Although what she said wasn’t true, but it ended up making Dean face that he couldn’t run away from what he went through. 

Dean is a very responsible and alert man. He has a lot of guilt riding him and he feels responsible for a lot of things he isn’t even answerable for. Because he is the kind of person who wants to help, wants to save. And he had taken this call regarding possession only to save....his brother and Jack. But now that it ended up causing some repercussions its bound to affect him. So his rush to find the weapon, his anger and pain, and the fact that his body was used for killing and not saving...its going to play hard on him....for a long time. 

3. Loved the little interactions between Sam, Dean and Jody. The hugs, the drooling over the beard. Sam and Dean teasing each other silently about it. And mostly just how well Jody understands both the brothers. She understands Sam is finding it hard to pace with Dean but also understands his need to do what he is doing. 

4. I honestly never fell for the Wayward concept to be very honest and except for Donna and Jody didn’t much like the other characters. So Kaia was never someone who fascinated me and neither did her inclusion in a track regarding an archangel made a lot of sense to me. 

5. This twist with hunting lore changing since there are new species of monsters now makes for promising hunting episodes. 

6. Jack now needs to be a person away from the one he was when he had his powers, and it was nice seeing him come into his own. Also endearing that he really takes Sam, Dean and Cas as his dads. 

7. The last scene between the brothers was beautiful. I always love when after fighting his emotions for a while, Dean can never hide what he is undergoing from Sam. He’s always come around and unburdened himself. It was a heart wrenching moment to hear that Dean admitted he had been lying, that being possessed had felt like drowning and he had struggled to come up for air. Sam’s tears expressed so much without words. He loves his brother, recognizes the sacrifices he has made all life and wants the best for his brother. So when Dean hurts, so does Sam.

8. Jensen and Jared are such incredible actors. They add so much life to the show and their characters. Their performances even in this episode were a proof of that. 

[winterchild09]

Blooms to Second

Chapter 3 | In the Field (Jisung Park POV)

Hey! I am Park Jisung younger brother of Seungli and the childhood friend of Naeun. I’m cute, handsome, happy-go-lucky guy who loves to make fun of naeun all the time. I am at the field, skipping class is my thing. I am here because its quiet and peaceful now and I’m waiting for the bell to rang and waiting for my friend to come... guess who?... yes, your right it's naeun and I can't wait it’s been a year since we've hangout thou we always talk on the phone I still miss hanging out with her.... we do not have a special place, but I always treat everything we do is special. BTW the bell rang 15 minutes ago and still naeun is nowhere to be found well she cannot contact me for my phone is in airplane mode to timid to release it from airplane mode well she can find her way here... my head is cover with my jacket, so I did not notice who are passing by me... but someone sat and hit me on the head and ran over me. So, I immediately removed the jacket that was on my face and look who was it. But it was my friend from my class and hand me his notes and told me that we are going to have a test next meeting.... then he left and I went back to sleep... after sometimes... someone sat on my stomach... so I nearly can't stand and just remove my jacket that was covering my face again... and finally I was actually going to shout and would say "the hell man? What are you doing??? I thought you walked away already!"

Naeun: Hey there my friend! How are you? Still timid? Still smart?

Jisung: Naeun?? Hey! I though you would not make it!

Naeun: You know what? I hate you why aren’t you answering my chats and calls? I am thankful your brother found me… this school is huge even thou I have been here last year I am still at loss.

Jisung: Hahaha you know me I don’t chat much, and I know you’ll make it… Thanks bro!

Seungli: No prob. Gonna go practice. Bye Nana

Naeun: Bye Li! Thanks again!

Jisung: So, let’s go!!

Naeun: Where?

Jisung: To my favorite spot!

Naeun: But I need food! It’s lunch time g (short for geek) …

Jisung: And how did you know that there is no food stall to my favorite spot???

Naeun: Co’z I know you… you like quiet place… no people… Just blank space joke hahaha… But still food G.

Jisung: Don’t worry I have food here… Mom packed it for me…

Naeun: Really? Miss tita Min’s cooking.

Jisung: So, can we go now??

Naeun: Ok fine, let’s go G. But by the way where is that place?

Jisung: You’ll know when we get there!

Naeun: ….??? Ok. *Minutes passed and Jisung and Naeun are still walking…

Naeun: Hey jisung why didn’t you just bring your motorbike? Walking is exhausting and we’re walking for almost 15 minutes… Where are we heading? And you know I have my next class, right?

Jisung: shhh… you’ll wake up the guards…. And we’re almost there. Just cut your class, you’re smart anyways.

Naeun: Hey! No…

Jisung: Come on it has been a year… come on just today. You know your next classes anyways you have taken them before. you are just repeating them G (short for geek)…

Naeun: ok ok… just stop nagging…

Jisung: Yes! And G we’re here!

Naeun: woah! There’s a place like this in this school? You really know that I like gardens and flowers… how did you know about this place G?

Jisung: oh, I’m always here my friends don’t know this place… I am just roaming a year ago after you left. Searching for a place to sit… when I walk upon this place it was kinda no life before no one takes care about this place and no one comes here… So I am always here…

Naeun: if no one is taking care of this place… who clean and watered the plants?

Jisung: uhm duh who else of course me! Cause I want to show it to you someday G. I didn’t really knew you’ll go here this year. When you told me, you’ll study here I got excited and rearrange the things here…

Naeun: Really? Its beautiful G. But why?

Jisung: uhmm because I know it’ll make you happy… because, you know out of everything that happened to you, you deserve this!

Naeun: thank you G… I really loved it…

Jisung: *whispered co’z I love you*

Naeun: what did you say?

Jisung: oh uhm nothing…

Naeun: ok! You really know your flowers!

*smiled*

Jisung: *smiled back minutes passed and jisung and naeun had a feeling of unease in the air for too much silence then both open their mouth and talk*

Naeun and Jisung: G?

*laughed shyly*

Jisung: yes? You go first!

Naeun: uhm I have something to tell you, but you know that I’m here for my father, right? But uhm G… I really am glad you’re always there for me. I know your lazy but smart, look dull but sweet, you are really amazing G. I... I uhm… Thank you for everything even thou we only see each other on my Sem breaks even thou you’re busy you always see to it to company me wherever I go.

Jisung: well… I’m speechless. I…. don’t know what to say to that… well you always visit me… you have no friends here except me you know hahaha… but I’m glad I met you… you make me less unburden… when I’m with you I feel I am needed… you know me

*smiled shyly*

Naeun: I’m greatful I got to know you G. *hug and kiss jisung on the cheeks*. Thank you *smiled*.

Jisung: *shocked* uhmmm G…

Naeun: yes G?

Jisung: I have something to tell you…

Naeun: ahuh?

*silence again in the room*

Jisung: G I… I ah… I have ahh feelings for you g...

Naeun: *shocked*

Naeun: ahhh ahuh *step back tried to think*

Jisung: g do you have feelings for me too? I know I always trick you I always played around you that’s because I don’t know how to express my feelings, but I know this is real… when I’m with you or when I’m talking to you I felt butterflies floating within me making me feel comfortable… and I know you transfer here to know more about your father and I’ll help you with that…

Naeun: G ah stop its ah ok I ah accept your feelings and I got something else to tell you… I told you that I transferred here because of my father but there is another reason actually uhm its… YOU Jisung… I ah you know I’m a go-gether I have friends… But they’re not you, I got to admit I’ve always missed you… This year you don’t talk to me that much I always talk to you first you never talk to me like before… that’s when uhm… I felt you’re distancing yourself…

Jisung: *shocked* that’s not it I don’t chat because I don’t know what to say to you but you, you have always had something to talk… you know me I’m silent in chat and I like it more when in person… see I got you to transferred here hahahaha… *teased naeun*

Naeun: well one of the reasons ok… okay stop it g…

Jisung: well, you didn’t answer my question g.

Naeun: and what is that?

Jisung: the do you have feelings for me too?

Naeun: oh ahh… you know there’s some meaning to each of the flowers here….

Jisung: G……...

Naeun: uhmm okay okay… ah ahuh*silently said*

Jisung: *blushed and smiled* what? I didn’t hear what you said g.

Naeun: *annoyed a little* I said ahuh *loud but in silent mode again*

Jisung: *ears got red*

Naeun: *smiled and teased Jisung* oh you’re blushing, and your ears are really red g… hahaha *laugh hard*

Jisung: well…. *still blushing*

Naeun: *teased jisung more by kissing him on the cheeks then moved a little distant to jisung*

Jisung: Hey! You! Come here g!

Naeun: * laughing while running in front of Jisung*

Jisung: *caught Naeun* got you *kissed her on cheeks then says* I like your chubby cheeks *then kissed her forehead then say* you have shiny forehead g…

Naeun: *annoyed and forced her way out of him*

Jisung: *then jisung tighten his hug and faced her in front of him then kiss her in the nose then on the lips*

Naeun: *smiled then closed her eyes and kissed him back*

Jisung: I love you g…

Naeun: *smiled back to jisung and said* thank you for coming into my life g *then hugged him back then said* I love you too g…

[head-and-heart]

I've seen a lot of talk about C in your page lately and I came here to add something. C always striked me as someone who deep down inside thirsts for human connection in general, but at the same time the walls she has built over the years, her private personality, the compartmentalization and isolation have had a huge impact in her psych. I think we often tend yo forget that C is a broken soul too, and maybe she's not as expressive as B or R, but everything is there. (pt1)

As you said, her struggles and emotions are there, she’s just adept at keeping her pain hidden, until some people break down her walls. (pt2)

First off I just want to apologize for taking such a ridiculously long time to get around to your ask. I was unprepared for how much busier my life has gotten this fall and I’ve neglected some of my asks/writing/meta that I usually do during the hiatus.

There has been a lot more Clarke discussion on my blog this hiatus, and I do appreciate it a lot! I find a lot of the time people get so frustrated with Clarke’s decisions that they don’t take the time to look and consider just how complex and dynamic she really is as a character. 

I agree with everything you have stated in this ask. In fact, your words about Clarke being a broken soul are eerily similar to something I wrote in one of my Bellarke meta’s months ago:

“We often talk about Bellamy’s self-loathing and I feel we very rarely talk about the fact that Clarke is a broken soul, as well.”

Not a whole lot to take away from that, of course, but clearly we are on the same wavelength, nonny.

Clarke has always struggled with putting what’s best for herself above what she believes is the best choice for her people. And, a lot of time, that means compartmentalizing her emotions and closing herself off to the outside world. It means “bearing” the pain so her people don’t have to - it means pretending she doesn’t feel it in order to protect those around her from feeling the weight too. Clarke seems to view vulnerability as a weakness that she can’t afford - if not to spare herself from the consequences, then to spare her people from it. Shutting herself down offers her the distance she needs in order to make the decisions she feels she must. In Clarke’s mind, compartmentalizing is an unfortunate necessity.

Because the way she sees it, if she lets herself put her emotions first, then how can she ever trust herself to make the pragmatic, detached, and selfless sacrifices that her people ask of her?

The whole “love is weakness” ideology really fucked with Clarke’s head. I don’t think that she really managed to shake it until - perhaps - in Season (but we’ll have to wait a few more months to know for sure).

And yet, as much as Clarke embraced that concept in Season 2, it conflicts with what we have seen and heard and know of Clarke. She has this huge heart, and she loves her friends and family and her people so much, and yet she stops herself from indulging in it. It’s almost like she has this idea in her head that there are two kinds of people in the world and the first are those who are meant to live an unburdened, peaceful and happy life and then there are those who are meant to work and fight for those things, yet never experience them for themselves.

But she wants to. God, she wants to so much, but she doesn’t believe that hoping for that is realistic. 

A line that I rarely see talked about in the Bellarke communy but that I believe to be absolutely essential for analyzing Clarke’s character is when she says to L.exa: “Shouldn’t life be about more than just surviving?”

It’s so heartbreaking in retrospect because that line represents a much younger, much more idealistic version of Clarke than the one we see in Season 3 and for large portions of Season 4. It shows that, deep down, Clarke really does desire that: she wants her life to mean something. She wants to love and be loved in return. She wants to learn not just how survive, but how to live. It’s just never been in the cards for her, and every time she’s felt like she’s come close, it’s been ripped out of her grasp just as quickly. So this is how we find her in Season 4, when Jasper says much the same thing as she said to L.exa in Season 2, except now she no longer seems to believe in that image of a life that has more to it than survival.

The only thing life seems to mean anymore is air running through lungs and hearts beating in chests.

That’s why the flash-forward with Clarke radioing Bellamy was so amazing. Because finally we have this version of Clarke as she is meant to be: liing and loving and not just for her people anymore. She’s breathing for love - because there are people out there that she cares about and wants to see again and suddenly her life has meaning. Suddenly her future isn’t just about much food will keep or people alive or what shelter will ensure their survival over the winter or how many people will leave beyond the apocalypse and how many people will not. It’s not just cold strategy and leading detached from her people anymore It’s about emotion, it’s about feeling, it’s about more. It’s about life and love and it’s about hope. Because, above all, those are the things that were important enough to hold onto when everything else was gone. And those are things that are keeping Clarke Griffin alive now.

To be truly honest, as much as I love all those things I just talked about, I really don’t think that they would mean half as much if we didn’t have all the darkness and the isolation and the cold that came before it. We’ve seen Clarke at her worst, now it’s time to see her truly rise from the ashes. 

I find Clarke to be one of the most relatable characters on television, at least for me. I too compartmentalize my emotions and isolate myself - I think a lot of people in this fandom do. It makes me feel safe. Because if people don’t see me when I am vulnerable, if they can’t hear my thoughts or read my emotions on my face, then they can’t touch me. And if they can’t touch me they can’t hurt me, and I’ll be just fine to go on with my day and do what I need to do and pretend that I am made of steel and nothing affects me because it’s just easier that way. But that’s not how it is and I’m not indestructible and words do hurt and pretending they don’t hurts too.

It’s easier, but that doesn’t mean that it’s emotionally healthy for me to compartmentalize in the way that I do. I know it’s not.

But it’s also not easy for me to open up and let myself be vulnerable with … anyone.

So maybe, for me, that’s why Clarke’s story and her character in general is so important. She represents hope and she represents living and she shows that it is possible to lift yourself up from the depths of hell and keep on walking. Not just for the sake of it, but because there is something waiting for you at the end of it. And, god, it might just be worth the trouble.

At the end of it, it all comes down to that emotional vulnerability. For so long Clarke kept her walls built strong and high above her but it only ever brought her pain. And now they’re down and she appears to be more emotionally open than we’ve ever seen her, and I’m just so excited to witness her character in a new dimension next season.

With that, I should probably wrap this up because I realize that I’ve started rambling and moving away from what your initial ask was. I appreciate you sending this in though! Here’s to more development for Clarke in Season 5. 

[whyshanti]

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go? 

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,  academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have. 

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway. 

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else. 

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships. 

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc). 

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden. 

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing. 

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho. 

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house. 

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times. 

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me. 

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person. 

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass. 

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s. 

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices. 

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH. 

16. men are trash. 

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one. 

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over. 

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh. 

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.  

self-love is not a 5-step process. 

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings. 

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.