#but i know in the books he ends up with zoya??

[omgthisisnotmyrealaccount]

finally watched season 2 of shadow and bone and like the issue with that show (outside of the bad acting lmao) is that the plot happens in one story line but the fun happens in the other 

like alina babes i don’t care about your search for the hot bird im sorry

[kanejbr3kker]

What I want instead of SoC 3

don't get me wrong, i'm sure that if leigh wrote soc 3 it'd be great, but i honestly really don't want her to make it cause:

-we all know someone's gonna die and it'll probably be kaz or inej which means it'll just hurt even more

-rule of wolves was the most perfect end to the grishaverse and i feel like adding another full novel would kinda ruin it

-a lot of people have only read soc, but since the third book would be set after kos, people who only cared about soc would have to go back and read shadow and bone so they could read kos so they could read soc 3

what i want instead:

-a collection of novellas about the crows! any or all of the following:

-the heist thing that zoya brings up at the end of row; i don't feel like it's enough to be a full book but it'd be fun to see (also if it's a novella no one will die so bonus points)

-early kanej!!!! i NEED to see kaz teaching inej how to pick locks and giving her her first knife

-kaz and inej stealing the dekappel cause they just bring it up so casually throughout the books and i want to see it actually happening since yk it's their first date

-nina, inej, and jesper becoming friends; their friendship is so great and i would love to watch them first getting to know each other

-wylan before he left van eck's house; obviously the main reason wylan got kicked out of his dad's house was the fact that he couldn't read but jesper also joked about him sleeping with one of his tutors and it's never really confirmed or denied and i just need to know

-post crooked kingdom kanej; i've read too many fanfics about their long distance relationship and now i just need it to be canon

-wesper just chilling in van eck's house after crooked kingdom and occasionally breaking the law (basically what they hint at during the crows cameo in row)

-something helnik related i really don't care what

-kanej anything

(:

[is-today-tomorrow-in-nz]

OMG that Rule of Wolves ending was a total Deus Ex Machina! Leigh Bardugo really destroyed ALL the magical system's balance so her favorite could become a God, Avatar, mindreader, emotion reader, and dragon (ironic because LB was a Dany anti for GoT) with no consequences! But Alina, with ONE power just trying to take down the Fold = GREED = STRIPPED OF ALL POWERS. It makes no sense, and causes migraines to think about how LB destroyed all the worldbuilding for poorly thought out wattpad ending.

Thank you! I was beyond frustrated too. Her magic system is like a mirage in a desert- it exists one moment and then vanishes the next minute. It does not help that she plays favouritism with her own characters. Zoya, Nikolai and the crows are clearly her golden children. Aleksander is her scapegoat child. For the sake of her golden children, she bends the plot and swathes them in plot armour. However she refuses to offer any sort of redemption or even decent plotlines for her least favourite ones.

Just the other day, I was lamenting about this in another post. Let me share my fav deus ex machina other than the ones mentioned in the original post.

1)SoC: Began well- foreign country, jurda, everything at stake, heist etc etc. After the disaster of the trilogy, I was excited to read something different. However, the climax just made me want to fling the book to a corner. So Jarl Brum knows the partial truth from Matthias, knows why the crows were there. But somehow they got away scott free. Like yes, Nina made some soldiers fall asleep, but doesn't Fjerda have a navy? Isn't Djerholm not a harbour? Do they not know the ship name? Do they not know how long the jurda effects last in Nina? And yet all Brum did was stomp like a villain at the end of scooby doo saying, "If it weren't for those meddling kids!" and did nothing. They literally attacked one of the most powerful country's capital, blew up a part of their palace, and stole a tank! Somehow destroying a bridge was all it needed to stop an army! And at the final standoff, the soldiers were just put to sleep not killed. even if Kaz was just a day ahead, the fierce Fjerdan navy should have caught up to them. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ But no... Nina attacked them with parem. Suddenly nothing can be done. It's like Fjerda is this formidable enemy when LB needs it to be and then become a bunch of helpless idiots when her favourite characters need to escape!

2)S&S: Ivan's death or literally any Grisha death on the Darkling side. They were very dangerous and battle experienced one moment but somehow were nothing compared to two sword weilding mercenaries. With convenient plot devices, the man who is literally the oldest and the most powerful Grisha in Ravka, was defeated and left at sea- no doubt hit by LB's idiot hammer. The man literally created THE FOLD for god's sake!!! And yet he and his army of well trained Grisha were defeated in a matter of minutes.

3)Nikolai: The whole Nikolai spiel was that he is the 'good' guy. He desperately wants the throne but instead of doing anything about it he was literally waiting for his big bro to get bored of it and throw it to him. That was the 'most clever fox's' brilliant strategy. Because that's what good boys do. Only evil, dark wizards create a coup.

And when the plot doesn't move forward, the easily-defeated-at-sea Darkling, is suddenly a raging powerful villain who conveniently kills Vasily and hands the good boy his throne.

I could go on and on. She butchered her own universe and is fixing them with cello tapes.

[aleksanderscult]

I don't understand how Leigh Bardugo could write something as bad as King of Scars and a trilogy as average and problematic in its messages as Grisha ?!

Knowing that she also wrote Six of Crows which was very good for me, limits most people to only knowing that about the Grishaverse (even if, if you take it in the context of the original trilogy, that makes the fate of the Grisha and of the Darkling even worse)... The Language of Thorns with some really cool stories, the Demon in The Wood (which makes you wonder even more why the Darkling is supposed to be the fucking bad guy in the original trilogy and die at the end ?!). Not forgetting recently The Ninth House which has 2 very good volumes and the beginning of The Familiar.

I have a hard time understanding how she can produce good things and such bad things.

I hear that not everyone is perfect, but for me the gap is still huge.

And the most paradoxical thing is that while she seems to gradually improve her way of writing, at no time does she acknowledge having made questionable choices in the writing of Grisha ?

Just see her attempt at moralizing backpedaling with the King of Scars duology...

TW!: Genocide

I don't think she knows or even cares about how genocide and prejudice in real life are not how she portrays them. And they definitely don't vanish by magical means. Clearly she put them in her story as a dramatic effect but she handled it with such unrealism and carelessness that makes you wonder what was the point of putting such issues in her book in the first place. She places such importance to the romance part (Mal × Alina, Kaz × Inej, Nina × Matthias) that the problems of her world take a third place in her books.

Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom weren't such flawed because the heroes there did some personal jobs and didn't have a humanitarian goal. Kaz, in particular, has made it clear that he doesn't give a fuck about the world, only about his pocket. So they were some pretty straightforward books and well-written enough that you cannot see the issues.

But in the trilogy we have this huge war going on while the protagonist wails about her love interest, kills her enemy at his weakest (so no flex of her powers against him) and other people vanish the Fold for her.

In the duology Bardugo wanted to get back to her own readers:

- "People dislike Zoya. Hmm... Let's make her Suli with a very sad background. Also let's make her the most important character among the heroes just for these haters to shut up. Because if they don't, they'll be racists and misogynists"

- "People love the Darkling. Hmm.... Let's remind those readers of mine what he has done by having Zoya conjure up every delulu thought about him. Also let's have Mal, Alina, Zoya, Nikolai and freaking Misha make him shut up and look stupid"

- "Ah shit they love Aleksander too much. Ok how about this. I'm gonna make the Starless Cult out of them to prove how blind they look"

- "People didn't like the R&R ending. Hmm.... Let's bring Alina back and have her say how happy and peaceful she feels with her current state"

- "People hate Mal. Hmm... Let's have him be likable and funny while thwarting Aleksander's comments like a pro. It's not like he isn't a hot-tempered guy or smth"

(and about bringing the Darkling back, this was lazy writing. Instead of making the heroes face new foes from the north and south, she recycled villains)

By the way, when the TV adaptation of S&B came out she said that she wanted to fix the diversity. Can you imagine that? Not book!Alina as a character, not the trilogy's ending (not protesting on that cruel scene on the show where the Crows gleefully kill the Grisha that stood with the Darkling) but the diversity. Season two's ending was the showrunner's idea as well as Mal's change of personality, not Bardugo's.

Anyway, she should stay on writing short stories. I really love the Language of Thorns and Demon in the Wood so why ruin your fictional world further?

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Fruzsi and the Importance of Her Character in Season 2 of Shadow and Bone

Okay I feel like I have been continuously teasing this post for a ridiculously long time and I have finally gotten around to writing it, I also feel like the fact that I talked about it so much might have built it up to sound bigger than it is but honestly I think that Fruzsi is a FASCINATING character study; I'm very excited to talk about her and have finally found the time (yay!) so hopefully you guys will find this at least a little bit interesting too

Tagging people who registered their interest here but please don’t feel pressured to read <3 @merlinxmagic @girasoljpg @atmosphericwrites @naushtheaspiringauthor @lunarthecorvus

SHOW AND BOOK SPOILERS AHEAD + TALKING ABOUT GRISHAVERSE SETUP & THE CHARACTERS' BACKSTORIES/EXPERIENCES (Mostly Zoya, Genya, Alina, Fruzsi, and Inej)

Super quick recap since of her story so we're on the same page as we begin: Fruzsi first appeared in Season 2 Episode 2 of Shadow and Bone and is a Grisha Tidemaker loyal to the Darkling. Her parents sold her to the Darkling when she was a child, its unclear how old she was, and we should take into consideration in this matter that there is no indication whatsoever that she was ever at the Little Palace since none of the other Grisha seem to recognise or know her and vice versa. She is instrumental in the Darkling's army and receives one of the amplifiers made from Baghra's bones, subsequently learning to manipulate water molecules into ice shafts that she can use as a weapon. She is responsible for Dominik's death towards the end of the season and is subsequently killed by Nikolai.

So right off the bat whenever anyone talks about Fruzsi I tend to see two things: "wannabe Zoya" and “the power of her amplifier was a problem because it will be too difficult to differentiate between amplifiers and parem". I've taked before about my thoughts on amplifiers and parem and why I didn't think it was going to be a problem for the Six of Crows spinoff show (*sobs*) but the general consensus seems to be that not only was Fruzsi an unlikeable character because of her actions, but because she was seen as a only being there to provide an enemy and a hand of the Darkling, and I think that's a real shame because she is a fascinating character and she tells us SO MUCH about the Darkling and other major characters. My personal favourite details about Fruzsi are her parallels with Zoya and the point from which they run opposing, the parallels she has to Genya and Inej and the subsequent parallels that her introduction creates between the Darkling and Heleen Van Houden, and the setup of Fruzsi, Vatra, and the Darkling's other Grisha to create genuine empathy for villainous characters for the reflections of the protagonists we can see in them.

Fruzsi's introduction in episode two begins with the Darkling arriving to see her and saying that she made it in good time - now we don't know where she travelled from, so yeah it could be the Little Palace (he was travelling from the base he set up in episode 1) but personally I don't think that there's much implication she ever lived there considering she doesn't know any of the other Grisha and she doesn't wear a kefta until the Darkling has new ones created for his new army. She's wearing pretty typical clothes that we see of the Ravkan population when we first meet her; a blouse and ankle-length skirt with a long coat, and from the very start is in dark shades that visually connect her to the Darkling in the audience's eye. Although she isn't hesitant to speak to him she shows consistent discomfort around the Darkling, making small steps away from him when he raises his hand and acknowledging non-verbal orders from him with immediate effect, as well as confirming that she never broke her promise to not open the Journal of Morozova without prompting and somewhat hurriedly. The Darkling is actually pretty quiet throughout most of this scene, cutting of Fruzsi's sentences and instructing her but not following any attempts she makes to initiate real conversation. When he tells her to reveal Baghra from behind the waterfall she asks him if he's sure, one of few instances in which she questions him, and after barely a second of maintained eye contact between them she turns away, physically bunching her shoulders and seeming to shrink in on herself, before turning to the waterfall and completing the task in silence. Everything we see of Fruzsi in this scene seems to contradict Baghra's later description of her as "deranged" and I think that this is really very noteworthy, because we start to develop this idea that Fruzsi's actions are different in front of the Darkling than when he isn't present - particularly since we know in this scene that Baghra has not seen the Darkling in weeks and has been alone with Fruzsi during that time. We actually don't see Fruzsi without the Darkling until very late in the show (episode 7), when her anger at the world and her easy ability to command the other Grisha are revealed ("First Army did this [...] If they wear the uniform they are all the same. Kill them all!"). We get this brilliantly foreboding image of her marching so confidently through the carnage with soldiers of both sides running and shouting and fighting and dying all around her while she barely shows any kind of response but to calmly begin her own method of very direct attack against Nikolai after walking through the battle completely untouched. If anything, Fruzsi seems quite unbothered by the entire thing until she fails to kill Nikolai, killing Dominik and several others instead, and screams her frustration before being forced to run for cover from approaching soldiers. After this her attacks are arguably much more emotional because she feels challenged and as though she has failed (relevant as I'll cover later because of the way the Darkling manipulates her), but all of this seemingly culminates only when Vatra dies, and in that moment we get this wonderfully clever shot of them holding each other's hands so that we can see the tattoos (I'm going to rant about the tattoos in this post) and then we see Vatra smiling in her final moments (that's gonna come up again as well). This moment is the most emotional we ever get to see Fruzsi; she looks down at Vatra, sheds a silent tear, and begins to exhibit more power than we have ever seen in her before. It is bare moments after this that she loses her fingers in an attack from Jesper and mere minutes afterwards that Nikolai shoots her in the throat and she dies.

It's confirmed in s2e7 that Fruzsi's parents attempted to sell her to the Darkling and arguably this is where her parallels with Zoya begin - "You remember when your family first brought you to me? The price they demanded when they discovered you were Grisha?" "Perhaps now I can repay the debt" "I would have paid it 100 times over". Ugh this angers me so much. He bought her and she believes, she genuinely believes, that she owes him for that. I'm going to talk about the structure of this relationship really strongly echoing Heleen Van Houden later on but particularly in this moment we understand that there is something here very similar to the Kerch indenture system that I'm actually really glad to see included as part of the worldbuilding and development in the show since we didn't get the opportunity to explore it as much in Kerch (*screams frustrations into the wind*)

Although we sadly didn't get the chance to explore Zoya's story in the show (*cries in cancellation*) it's explained in the final duology of the book series that her mother attempted to sell nine-year-old Zoya as a bride to 63-year-old, very rich, and twice-widowed Valentin Grankin. When Zoya's aunt, Lilyana, attempted to stop the wedding Grankin attacked and nearly killed her; in fear for herself and her aunt Zoya experienced a massive, terrified outburst of power, which was how she discovered she was Grisha, and Lilyana was able to rescue her and take her to Os Alta. My absolute favourite take on Fruzsi is that she is Zoya's Shadow, which is an idea that my friend voiced whilst we were watching the show and we discussed together at length at the time, but that I have never seen anyone talking about online.

The idea of having a Shadow comes from Suli culture and is explained to us in Crooked Kingdom by Inej; whenever a person does wrong it gives life to their shadow, with every action making the Shadow stronger until they are stronger than the original person and the person is defeated by the wrongs they've done - or learns to overcome them and defeat the Shadow. Inej's believes that her Shadow is Dunyasha and she fights her in Crooked Kingdom. I FREAKING LOVE the theory that Fruzsi is Zoya's Shadow because their stories parallel each other very well; both are abused and sold by their families only to be taken in by the Darkling and manipulated into believing that he is their saviour. The Darkling very much works by making others feel that they owe him something for any action he completes, just as we see in his manipulation and abuse of Alina, and Fruzsi and Zoya are prime examples of this. We even have two very similar scene setups between season 1 and season 2 that show us just how similar the Darkling and Zoya are in terms of the pent up rage that they keep private - in season 1 where the Darkling leaves Zoya alone in his room whilst she is trying to initiate intimacy because he is manipulating her and Alina against each other and wants to make Zoya feel like she has been abandoned in favour of a newer, shinier toy and once he's left Zoya screams her frustration and releases a gust of Squaller power that disrupts his chamber, and in season 2 when Fruzsi, in her second appearance (now wearing the new dark kefta design) hesitantly informs the Darkling that David stole Morozova's Journal and is immediately dismissed before the Darkling screams his frustrations and uses the tether to find and haunt Alina. Although this comparison between the Darkling and Zoya is of course more obvious it also gives us an idea of similarities between Zoya and Fruzsi because it extends this implication we have that Fruzsi acts very differently out of the Darkling's presence than in - and considering that at this point we have never seen her without him we have this gathering sense of intrigue about her backstory and her character. In a similar-ish manner we also have the scene in s2e5 when we get another example of the few times Fruzsi attempts to stand up to the Darkling, in this case openly telling him that they would do better to redirect their efforts North because it would be "the more strategic move"; the Darkling's response is to threaten her with his Nichevo'ya and manipulate her in a similar way that he does Zoya by replying "Alina Starkov is worth more than any army. So at the risk of sounding repetitive... find her", actively diminishing Fruzsi when he's been purposefully making her feel important and like she matters to him so that she feels she must redouble her efforts for him to notice and appreciate her and therefore desperately hopes to do a better job of bending to his will, especially since he's basically turned her entire purpose and usefulness to him into brining Alina back to him. Ugh this man i swear. I'm going to go on to talk about parallels between Fruzsi and Genya pretty soon so in this respect as well I want to add emphasis to the fact that when she disagrees with him on a point - and mind you not that she makes any suggestion of betraying his cause but only that she thinks they should take a different tactic to be more successful in it - he uses the presence of the Nichevo'ya to scare her into submission. The next time he gives her an order (to take down the First Army encampments) she agrees immediately and barely speaks to him except to ask "And what of the Sun Summoner?" - And note this is after she has taken Genya to the other Grisha because she was told to show her off as an example.

I have to say that at this point in time I was not expecting her to be the gold mine she became, and it's looking back on it knowing more about her backstory that I notice a lot of smaller details in the way she acts around him that consistently suggest she is afraid of him and I think that is shown really well in Reford's performance, I don't see her getting enough of the praise that she deserves - she was great!

Am I even making sense? Anyway

Fruzsi and Zoya are consistently presented with these similarities and I really love the idea that she represents what Zoya would have become without the influence of our other main characters, particular Alina and Genya. I really like the idea that she's Zoya's Shaodw and a literal, living embodiment of the wrng that Zoya did under the Darkling's command, but the only place that I think this theory falls short is in Fruzsi's death. If Fruzsi was truly Zoya's Shadow then they would have to face each other for one of them to die, but Fruzsi was killed by Nikolai in the aftermath of Dominik's death. However, I also think that there was standing there to start developing something truly, truly poetic in Nikolai killing Zoya's Shadow and Zoya later killing Nikolai's (or maybe even metaphorically doing so in trying to help rid him of the demon??) BUT I GUESS NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW (*screams*) (*cries*) (*curses Netflix’s name*)

Now moving on to her parallels with Genya and Inej. I think that the loss of Heleen from season 2 (which I’ve shared my thoughts about a bit in the past so won’t go on about now) left a hole that was, in a way I didn’t quite expect, filled more by the Darkling than it was Pekka Rollins. There are multiple quotes from the Darkling this season, mostly directed towards Fruzsi and Genya, that I find to have very specific reminiscence of some of Heleen’s quotes from the the Six of Crows duology and this was the most obvious one for me, and the one that originally made me think of this particular comparison:

"I have always known your worth. Now show me," - the Darkling, s2e7, in the conversation where he specifically states that he bought Fruzsi and she specifically states that she owes him a debt for that

"I know your worth, little Lynx, right down to the cent" - Heleen, Six of Crows, to Inej when torturing Inej with the implication that she intends to find a way to bring her back to the Menagerie ("You'll wear my silks again, I promise")

(Also as a quick addition I think that so much can be said about Rachel Redford's acting in this specific moment of season 2 episode 7 after the Darkling delivers that line. She looks up at him, and the proxemics + their actual heights I must admit have a brilliant added effect to this, with what starts as such genuine sorrow but so quickly turns to such fierce determination before she shows him what she's capable of now that she has the amplifier. After her demonstration she is almost in shock at the revelation of what she was able to do but the pure exultation, the relief, the triumph in her expression does not even come close to existing until the moment that the Darkling says "extraordinary". He's not even looking at her - in fact, I don't doubt it possibly that he wasn't complimenting her herself but simply the creation of the amplifiers and their strength - but the expression on her face then is absolutely unmatched and it speaks VOLUMES) (I genuinely recommend rewatching that moment with this in mind because I cannot stop thinking about it)

And then layered on top of this, we have the tattoos. THE TATTOOS.

I made a specific post about the costuming in season 2, which you can read here if you’d like to, and that covers my thoughts on the new keftas but I didn’t go into detail on the tattoos at the time and I have a lot of thoughts about them. The Grishaverse, mostly the Six of Crows duology, uses tattoos incredibly symbolically and places particular emphasis on choosing to take the mark, creating a massively important bond to something that you deeply care about and will never want to break (gangs, Kaz’s ‘R’ for Rietveld), and being forced to take one on (the pleasure houses, of course most primarily Inej’s Menagerie tattoo). Although we don’t get as much emphasis on this since the show didn’t get the opportunity to explore the gang tattoos yet thus far (and I guess now it won’t *shakes fist at Netflix*) we did have focus surrounding Inej’s Menagerie tattoo and it’s removal in this season and, as much as I wish we’d been able to see her book canon tattoo removal (cut off by a butcher), this side by side comparison of the Grisha being given no option but to take on the amplifying tattoos and Nina using her Grisha power to remove Inej’s tattoo is absolutely fascinating and really well done.

So this for me creates an ongoing comparison between Fruzsi, Genya, and Inej - and taking on what I said about Fruzsi’s apparent absence from the Little Palace despite clearly having an established relationship with the Darkling and having been with him for some time, we can consider the earliest pieces of information we have about Genya’s life. Now it’s a long time since I read the S&B trilogy so I can’t remember if this specific detail is true to book canon but in the show Genya states that the Grisha testers found her when she was seven but that she was gifted to the Queen when she was eleven. We have no information about what happened to her during these four years, and yeah maybe she was at the Little Palace training but we don’t have confirmation of that and I wouldn’t trust the Darkling as far as I could throw him (which probably wouldn’t even crack a metre let’s be real). This also adds a really interesting layer to things with Fruzsi being the one instructed to show Genya off to the other Grisha as an example of what will happen if they try to betray the Darkling because we get this moment when she kneels down to take hold of Genya's chains and they are both sitting in the cage together that I think is really powerful in everything it says about how easily either of them could be in the other's position in that moment but we're also still very aware that Fruzsi has the far more power - or at least an illusion of it. In this same scene Baghra, about Genya, states "she served you loyally since she was a child, endured years of abuse on your orders, and you reduce her to an example? Oh Aleksander, where does this stop?" and honestly that is so brilliantly written (and so brilliantly delivered in the scene) that I don't think I need to say anything on top of it but when we consider this side by side with Fruzsi's position I think that this really is a very powerful parallel and a constant reminder that no-one who places their trust in the Darkling is ever safe, and that pretty much everyone on his side is there because of manipulation and because of abuse - be that abuse from the Darkling or abuse from others that the Darkling has so well learned how to manipulate in ways that are very, very similar to the way Jarl Brum manipulated and abused Matthias (I have written a lot about that too. I have strong feelings.)

I have so much fascination and I feel so much sympathy for Fruzsi and I think that this is one of the things that the show did so fantastically well in her and in the other Grisha on the Darkling’s side who are all manipulated and controlled by him in just the same way our protagonists were, who were ultimately still all very young people who had been attacked and threatened and made unsafe in their home for who they were and who were offered what they believed was the only solution. I think one of the greatest examples of this, other than Fruzsi, is seen in Vatra, the amplified Inferni who is so proud of herself when she brings the Hummingbird down - "Yes! I did it" and btw she says this with such an expression on her face I don't even have the words I would just genuinely recommend you rewatch the scene to get what I'm saying it's s2e7 around 24:30-50 she actually looks so proud of herself she's like a little kid and it's so soul-crushingly clever and incredibly well done and it breaks my heart she's been so successfully manipulated - because she so genuinely believes that she is doing the right thing and she is making a difference for her people, and even when she dies with her hand clutched in Fruzsi's she dies smiling. That girl breaks my heart every time I rewatch, and honestly even though she is presented in a more unlikeable way Fruzsi breaks my heart as well because I can see so much of our beloved characters in her and effectively what could have happened to them and what could have become of them if they hadn’t managed their escape. This duality and constant cause to question the morality of the characters is so brilliantly done and one of the biggest successes of the adaptation considering how well it was done in the books as well but could have been something difficult to translate between medias where exposition is concerned, and I think that Fruzsi was an incredible example of this and that we really should talk about her more

Thanks for reading my nonsense ramblings if you got this far, I hope that it made sense and was at least somewhat interesting <33

[louhilainen]

I hated how the Nikolai duology pushed Alina, Zoya and Alina into the role of victims. I’m not saying the girls didn’t have a reason to hate the Darkling and that their grudge should have been left out of the books, but I just hated how badly it was written.

Alina being the Darkling’s victim undermines her. She was a woman who almost buried the Darkling alive, left him on the mercy of volcras and in the end, killed him with her own hands. Yeah, the Darkling did fucked up shit and she has a reason to hate him. But she wasn’t just a victim. The Darkling saw her as a threat. I cannot say if he saw her as his equal, but he saw potential and grew to admire her (and want her, lol). But the books seem to forget that and treat Alina like some fragile thing that needs to be protected from the evil Darkling.

Zoya says straight up that he manipulated her (Do you… I look back and I hate knowing how easy I was to manipulate.) Well, I cannot see how he manipulated her??? She did have a crush on him, but the Darkling did nothing to encourage those feelings. Yes, Zoya has every reason to hate Darkling about the attack on the Novokribirsk, and those feelings should be explored. But please, Zoya, don’t make up a narrative where you were his victim. You aren’t that special (Honestly, if the Darkling manipulated me I would thank him on my knees, be grateful Zoya loooool).

I can understand Genya hating the Darkling for making the nichevo'ya attack her. But the fault of her rape cannot be entirely put to the him. I seriously doubt even the Darkling had the foresight to see the King raping her. Yes, the Darkling should have taken her away from the Little Palace, and not given her choice for revenge. I don’t doubt for a second that Genya’s choice was convenient for him, but the Darkling did give her the choice to leave. (And he didn’t make nichevo'ya mutilate her because she challenged him, but because she defied his orders, but let’s not go there.)

I hated the scene in the end where Genya gives a speech about growing stronger from her experience and blaa blaa. It’s just so…. Unnatural and forced. I’m going to repeat myself, that I don’t have a problem with their grudges or hating the Darkling, I have just a problem with the way it was written. There’s no nuance or not showing how the manipulation affected them. It’s just telling, not showing. When reading a book, I don’t want to be preached to. I want to be immersed in the characters’ emotions and experiences. I want to be made to feel what they feel. I don’t want the narrative to push some kind of “right” way of interpreting the book. It just makes me feel annoyed and takes me out of the experience.   

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother   Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

You were alone, left out in the cold Clinging to the ruin of your broken home Too lost and hurting to carry your load We all need someone to hold

You've been fighting the memory, all on your own Nothing worsens, nothing grows I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain We all need someone to stay We all need someone to stay

Hear the fallen and lonely, cry out Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope? At the end of the day you were helpless Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?

Summary: You feel grief and loss keenly, the loss of innocence and family but as you confide your secrets to Nikolai Lantsov, you feel a beginning of a home in him. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Kaz Brekker being an absolute asshole. 

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 4 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience!  I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

Let me know if you want a cast list for the below characters introduced! I’ve already made one, so I’m super excited. 

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

Nikolai sat lazily on the couch as he listened to Zoya, Genya, Tamar, Tolya and David converse animatedly by the fireside with coffee and brandy after a long day of meetings as the rain fell outside. Nikolai felt content as he listened to Zoya and Genya argue about blonde or brunette hair, simple and ordinary things and his hazel eyes naturally found and fell on you. Nikolai smiled softly and warmly as he drank in the sight of you lay your legs on Nina’s lap as she read a book while you were completely focused and dedicated to sketching something in your sketchbook. Nikolai gazed at you in wonder and adoration because you looked absolutely beautiful, your brow furrowed in concentration, your eyes gleaming with imagination and reminiscence and your face glowing with relaxation and thoughtfulness. 

Nikolai’s thoughts were interrupted by a sharp nudge to his ribs as he looked at Zoya who was looking at him with a knowing look “When are you going to ask her out?”

“I - what - no - “

“Please spare us all and tell her how you feel. Or at least ask her out on a date.” said Genya wearing a knowing expression as she grinned teasingly exchanging subtle looks with Zoya as they remembered their bet “Your pining and puppy dog eyes are getting sad to watch. And besides, she’s been out and about with certain people who have eyes on her.”

Nikolai sat up a little straighter, his expression one of pure curiosity as he looked at his friends “Who?

“Well, the lords and ladies of the Ravkan Court are quite bold in their advances toward her, inviting her to parties and picnics but there is one in particular who is determined to pursue a romantic relationship with her... Duke Dimitri Theronton.” informed Zoya in a matter - of - fact voice with a knowing gleam in her eyes as she looked at Nikolai who looked absolutely jealous as his fists clenched in anger. “He has been around Y/N quite a lot accompanying her to his parties, horse races and inviting her for walks and picnics. He’s infatuated with her.”

Nikolai knew Duke Dimitri Theronton who had been one of Vasily’s best friends and had bullied Nikolai in his childhood, accompanying his brother to Caryeva indulging himself in the pleasure of women and horses, wild parties and drunk debauchery. A pit of protectiveness grew within him at the thought of the wild and flirtatious Duke who slept with men and women he tossed aside thoughtlessly after using them, being within an inch of your presence.  

“If you don’t do something soon, you might lose your chance with Y/N.” encouraged Genya with a twinkle in her eyes as she winked at Zoya as they both observed Nikolai’s jealous and protective expression at the mention of Duke Theronton who was wooing you “You need to man up, Nikolai.”

“Man up? I’m sorry but I don’t see gender, sir.” replied Nikolai sassily as he looked at Genya who rolled her eyes at him and he sighed “I do really like Y/N but I can’t make her choice for her.”

“Okay but you at least need to show her that you are an option. If you don’t, she won’t know that you are a choice.” replied Zoya honestly as she leaned back on her armchair because she was not going to lose her money to Nina. “Why don’t you ask her out... just the two of you? Please just do it and spare us the suffering.”

“And the loss of money.” piped in David with a glint in his eyes while Genya tried to shush him and Zoya shot him a fierce glare. “There’s so many bets on both of you so you have to get your act together, Nikolai because Genya can’t lose her bet to Nadia and Nina and Zoya can’t lose her money to Nina, Tamar and Tolya, and Tamar can’t lose her money to Tolya.”

Nikolai cocked his head as he looked at his friends with indignation and amazement as he spluttered understanding dawning on his face “Are you betting on me and Y/N? How long has this been going on?” 

“I mean, it has been going on for a long time. Everyone is in on it even the servants and the council.” said David helpfully as he scribbled on his notebook “They all know you really like her because you look at her like an unsolved equation you want to solve.”

“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Nikolai feeling heat creep up to his cheeks in humiliation and embarrassment at the thought of his own subjects betting on his personal life and glared at Genya and Zoya “I assume you two are responsible for this mess!”

“It started as harmless fun between just a few of us but then the rest of the palace wanted to join in. It has turned into a very large betting pool.” explained Genya with a wide grin as she looked at Nikolai’s wide eyes of surprise while Zoya hid a smirk “Zoya handles the betting pool of the Little Palace. I handle the betting pool of the palace staff and Tamar handles the betting pool of the others who joined in.”

“I cannot believe you are betting on my love life! In fact I cannot believe the whole palace is betting on my love life!” exclaimed Nikolai in frustration and embarrassment as he stamped his foot in childish petulance. 

“Oh grow up. It’s just a bit of good fun to pass the time.” said Zoya easily with a smug smirk “Go ask Y/N out and win Nina and me three bets, won’t you?”

“I’m leaving.” announced Nikolai gathering the pieces of his broken dignity as he huffed and walked away from his friends amused laughter making his way toward you who had moved toward another sofa, far away from the fireplace. 

Nikolai’s heart fluttered as you looked up and smiled at him as he sat next to you “Hello darling. You could have joined us.”

You smiled at him as you stopped sketching and looked at him fondly “I just... I just wanted to be alone.”

Nikolai’s heart dropped as he saw quiet reminiscence and sadness dancing in your eyes “Oh. Shall I leave?”

“No. Stay with me.” you said firmly as you reached out for his hand and squeezed it gently, the warmth and tenderness of his hand seeping and mingling with yours as your fragile heart begged him to not leave you alone. 

Nikolai felt glad and happy knowing that he would give you anything you asked as he moved toward you and smiled when you placed your legs on his lap lazily and he lightly placed his hand on your ankles as he looked at you in curiosity and deep fondness “I’ll never leave you. I didn’t see you at all today, sweetheart. I almost sent search parties to look for you. I was worried. Where were you?”

“I spent the whole day in the chapel praying to the Saints and thinking. Then I went to the kitchen and had the prettiest cake. After that I went for a long walk out in the palace grounds and I just sat in the gardens until it got dark. Until Nina found me in the rain.” you said thoughtfully and quietly as you rubbed a butterfly crested ring on your finger “It was nice.”

Nikolai was surprised as he looked at you focus on your sketching again as he questioned in curiosity because he knew you weren’t particularly religious and your activities today felt slightly different “Why were you in the chapel?” 

“Come, my little butterfly. Let’s get you to bed and I’ll tell you a story. One that ends happily ever after.”

“It’s my father’s birthday.” the words slipped out of your mouth before you could stop them as your eyes widened in shock at how easily you had confided this well kept secret to Nikolai whose hazel eyes sparkled with tender affection and soft understanding as he realized why you had done what you had done “I wanted to... I wanted to talk with him and celebrate his birthday with him, I suppose.”

You scoffed as you thought of how stupid you were “I’m so stupid. Throwing a birthday party for a dead father -”

But Nikolai placed his hand upon yours, his face etched with gentleness and tenderness as he looked at you with sincerity “It’s not stupid. It’s the most wonderful thing that you didn’t forget him. Your father is absolutely lucky to have you as a daughter.”

You smiled gratefully as you blinked back unshed tears as you looked away from Nikolai and focused on finishing your sketch and after a long moment, Nikolai who was full of curiosity because he wanted to know all about you, what your family was like and what you were like when you were a little girl as he asked “You don’t have to answer... but what was your father like?”

“My father...  I am told that he was a gangster who ran one of the most feared gangs in Ketterdam.” you said with a wide grin, your eyes twinkling in pride and amusement at how Nikolai’s jaw dropped in shock and amazement “He was a son of a Ravkan aristocratic family that ran away to find his fortune in Ketterdam and built himself a reputation in Ketterdam  as a violent and clever gangster who killed ruthlessly and instilled fear in his enemies, always ten steps ahead of them. No one dared to look at him the wrong way or they’d be cut, killed, murdered, shot and butchered whether they were innocent or guilty. Everyone called him mad and cold, ambitious and dark, cruel and vengeful man in a position of power and privilege who was the bringer of death and destruction.”

Nikolai was completely stunned and shocked as he stared at you with amazement and astonishment realizing that you were the daughter of a Ravkan born aristocrat who had become a feared gangster in Ketterdam and wondered what your childhood was like. He wondered whether your childhood was filled with violence and bloodshed, tears and pain as he stared at you in surprise. He couldn’t imagine your father as a notorious killing machine but yet the more he looked at you, the more it became certain that you were not afraid of your father. 

You smiled fondly at the memories of your father. He was a cold and cruel man to the rest of the world but he was the best father to you and your brother. Your father loved your brother unconditionally but he had always wanted a daughter so when you came along, he had doted on you with overwhelming affection and love. You remembered your father coming back home from work with a big smile on his face as he hugged you and held you in his arms as he told you how much he missed you. 

You heard the wheels of the carriage roll up the driveway as you raced your brother through the house in excitement and happiness at your father coming back home ignoring your mother’s shouts to stop running down the stairs as you ran out of the house and up to the carriage with a bright grin “Daddy!”

Out of the carriage stepped a handsome man made of cold steel and sharp edges dressed in all black but his hard face softened immensely as he smiled adoringly and lovingly at the sight of his beautiful daughter running toward him, feeling grateful to be alive as he hugged his precious daughter tightly in his arms. 

His daughter never knew how much he had missed holding her in his arms as he beamed brightly, his cold heart warm and happy as he took a good look at his daughter making sure she was healthy and unharmed, stroking her pretty hair that curled down to her shoulders. 

“Hello my Y/N! Come here, let me look at you! I missed you. I missed you so much, my sunshine.” confessed your father sincerely and lovingly, his heart full of gladness and affection as he cupped her chubby rosy cheeks in his hands, his eyes twinkling with warmth as he placed a loving kiss on her forehead. 

Your father would never miss an opportunity to carry you in his arms, holding the weight of you in his arms as he pressed kisses on your cheek and forehead adoringly. He’d tuck you to bed and read you stories in silly voices making you giggle and sing you lullabies until you fell asleep and stay by your side holding your little hand in his as he stared at you with overwhelming love as you slept. Your father would play games of hide and seek and pirates and privateers, princesses and dragons with you and your brother, his eyes gleaming with mischief and his expression one of good natured laughter. He’d hold your little hand in his as you both took long walks in the countryside as you chattered happily to him and he listened with a happy smile. 

Your father let you sit on his lap as he read his newspaper and his study where no one was allowed to enter, you were the exception as he let you sit on his lap as he read his documents and talked with you. When you were sick, your father would hold you in his arms and yell at the doctor to be careful with you and do their best and stay by your bedside as he held your hand gently and kindly. Your father was a gangster and yet he’d participate in your tea parties, style your hair, play with your dolls and beautiful dollhouse that he’d gift you every time he’d come back from Ketterdam. 

The world believed that your father was a man of cruelty but to you he was the man who cleaned and bandaged your first bruises and wounds and kissed them better gently as he advised you that pain only makes you stronger. Your father was the man who would never miss any of your birthdays, always celebrating each one extravagantly with beautiful iced cake as he wrapped his arm around you while you blew the candles and made a wish. He was a devoted and doting father who doted upon you showering you with pretty dresses of the latest fashion, sketch books and paintbrushes, the most beautiful dolls, puzzles and books for you to read. He was the man who had taught you to ride a horse and climb trees and fight with your bare hands and sewed buttons on your coat. When your father discovered your talent for art, he encouraged it. Your father encouraged your love of learning and was determined to teach you more about the world. 

“But my father made sure we lived far away from Ketterdam in the countryside, away from the violence and death. Family meant everything to him... it was his shelter from the storm. He was cold and cruel to the rest of the world but when he was home with us, he was nothing but loving and warm father who’d smile and laugh and play little practical jokes and spring surprises on us.” you recalled with a happy and fond smile as you thought of your father who hugged you warmly and danced with you around the house with a bright smile, spinning you in your brand new dress. “I know you won’t believe me but he was the best father in the world. I loved him so much and he loved me more than I deserved.”

Nikolai’s heart softened at the wholesome picture of a notorious gangster adoring his daughter with all heart and spoiling her as he replied “I’ll be truthful. If anyone else told me that, I wouldn’t believe them. But I believe you.”

“Why?”

“Your eyes. You remember him with so much love that it’s impossible to think that your father never loved you.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely as your heart skipped a beat at how much he knew you and saw the smallest things you tried to hide and the world didn’t see “You can always tell a father’s merit in the way their child’s eyes light up and they talk about them. Your eyes sparkle happily and you talk about him as if he treated you better than a royal princess with so much love and warmth that you never felt left out and lonely.”

You were surprised at how much Nikolai understood you as you gazed at him in wonder and astonishment as you hesitated and contemplated on letting him on a secret you had never told anyone, not the Crows, not even Kaz as you finally looked at him and decided to take the leap of faith “My father loved me as his own. And that was impressive considering that... that... I was never his.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he saw you look at him vulnerably with sacred trust and faith mingled with fear of rejection and Nikolai understood how you were feeling better than anyone as he was filled with curiosity and understanding as he inquired “What do you mean?”

“You know, my father was known in Ketterdam as a man who would do a job at any cost. A man who didn’t care about the lives he took as long as it served his purpose. One stormy night, he found a baby girl on the steps of his office. Whoever left me there must have hoped that my father would kill me and get rid of me instantly.” you said as pain and hurt flashed in your face but your eyes twinkled with gratitude and amazement as you thought of your father who was not your flesh and blood that had chosen to love you instead of hurt you “My father thought I was a trap or a lost child at first but he decided to keep me and raise me as his own daughter.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened as his heart swelled in amazement and surprise at how caring and loving of a heart your father must have had to adopt and unconditionally love a child who was not his own flesh and blood. His breath caught in his throat as he realized that you were stripping down your walls as you confided your deepest secrets in him, the fact that your parents had abandoned you to die at a hands of a feared gangster but fate had a different plan for you. His heart sank in dismay and anger at the thought of your parents leaving you heartlessly as a baby girl in front of the doorstep of the most feared and ruthless gangster believing that he would dispose of your life mercilessly and pain clenched through him as he realized that you had been abandoned from birth. Nikolai met your vulnerable and hurt, soft and sincere gaze as he squeezed your hand gently amazed at the kind heart that the ruthless gangster had possessed to take in you as his own and raise you with so much love and affection and wondered why his own father couldn’t do the same. His own father who was of noble birth, a king, could not come to love Nikolai as his own child and be proud of him but a gangster with blood on his hands had loved you endlessly as his own. 

“Your father sounds amazing. Do you ever miss your real parents? Have you tried searching for them?” asked Nikolai in curiosity, not missing the hurt and anger that flashed in your eyes at the mention of your birth parents. 

“They left me to rot and die with no regard for my well being. Why would I search for the very people who abandoned me?” you shot back fiercely and passionately as your arms curled around yourself protectively as you felt tears spring up in your eyes. “I had real parents... I had my father and my brother. That was enough for me.”

“Daddy is home. Cake and cookies every night!”

“Your father sounds very different from mine.” confessed Nikolai honestly and sincerely as he felt your fingers intertwine with his gently and warmly as he thought of his own father who had never shown pride for him “Your father made you feel like you belong to him and never unloved and alone. You never had to earn your place in your family. Your father loved you from the moment he saw you. He took you as his own and never treated you any differently. You came into his life as a daughter and he never saw you as anything else.”

You were taken aback in surprise because Nikolai had understood your relationship with your father very well as he continued in quiet exhaustion and pain he tried to hide behind a bright smile “My father, the King of Ravka who was meant to represent everything good and noble always made me feel like I had no place in this world. I was never his son, always treated as a lowly and different bastard son who was of no interest and pride to him. Everything I had to do, I did to work hard to just earn a word of praise or a smile, earn all his love from him and try to belong to him.”

You didn’t understand why tears pricked your eyes but some part of you deep down understood how Nikolai felt as you held his hand in both of your hands wishing that his father was alive so you could grant him a slow and painful death as you thought of your own childhood when your mother had found pleasure in revealing that you were not their own flesh and blood. But then you remembered how your father had found you crying in the stables, as he told you the truth and reassured you that no matter what you didn’t owe him anything, he loved you from the moment he first saw you and that no matter what, you were always his daughter. 

You had your father comfort you and chase away the loneliness with his warmth and love but Nikolai had been alone for so long with no one to show him that he was wrong about himself. 

You remembered something that your father had said to you a long time ago as you looked at Nikolai who looked so lost and pained as you said softly “I’ll tell you something and I want you to remember it carefully. You don’t owe your family anything. You don’t owe anyone anything, Nikolai. Nikolai, you never should have had to earn your place in your family, bastard or blood. You came into your father’s life as a son and it was his place to love you endlessly. Love is not something that is earned. And you deserve all the love in the world, Nikolai.”

“Your father was wrong and heartless. Your whole family was completely wrong in making you feel as if you never belonged in your own home.” you said softly in distress and pain as you wrapped your arms around him tightly and hugged him “It’s not your fault. You are good enough. You were always good enough.”

Nikolai’s heart swelled with emotions that he thought he had locked up and moved on from as tears sprang into his hazel eyes as he blinked them, burying his head on your shoulder as he held you tightly in his arms, afraid that if he let you go, you would vanish. Nikolai felt a heavy burden lifted off his heart at hearing those words said with such raw sincerity and truth that he couldn’t help but choke back a sob because he didn’t understand how much his soul needed to hear that it wasn’t his fault, that he was good enough until now. 

You hugged Nikolai tightly as you buried your head on his shoulder as you felt his tears fall onto the fabric of your dress as you whispered “Hey... I got you.”

For some reason, this made Nikolai laugh in amusement and comfort as he smiled into your shoulder amidst the tears and then after a few moments broke away from you. There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai in concern and realized he wanted to be alone with his thoughts as you returned back to your sketch while he stared into the space thoughtfully. 

After a long moment, Nikolai broke the silence with a question “But you must have felt lonely. I mean, you had your brother but was it just both of you in the house?”

You thought of the big house that you grew up in. It had been empty and cold at times but you remembered mostly the warmth, light and laughter that spilled out of it whenever your father had company over. Your father’s closest group of fearsome and terrifying friends in his gang occupied the house most of the time when they weren’t busy maiming, killing, torturing, destroying and hurting people. But these people weren’t criminals to you, they were the closest thing you had to aunts and uncles who were incredibly fond of you. 

These people took care of you since you were a baby and they were the only family you ever knew. Uncle Sebastian was your father’s right hand man and second in command but you knew him as your godfather and playful uncle who was a very good sharpshooter that taught you how to handle guns, had the craziest ideas for pranks and spoiled you with cuddles and presents. Your father would recall with a fond smile how Uncle Sebastian would never leave your side once you were found and stayed by your side telling you stories and making you giggle and had difficulty leaving you until your father physically had to push him out of the house. There were times you did feel alone despite being surrounded by such love and warmth and you would tell Uncle Sebastian how you felt knowing that he of all people would understand. 

Your Uncle Minjun was calm and composed, always well dressed and smiled that pleased smile of love around his wife, Aunt Ari and a reserved fond smile for you. You had always respected Uncle Minjun who was well - educated and wise on very many great matters and one of your father’s closest advisors. You and your brother would listen with rapt attention and great pleasure his stories about his time at University of Ketterdam studying law. He’d encourage you and your brother’s love for learning and curiosity and encouraged you to experiment and explore. Your brother and you were curious as to how to build a bomb? Say no more, Uncle Minjun was your man. Your brother nurtured a fascination for flowers and plants? Don’t worry, Uncle Minjun was there to teach him how to grow and landscape a garden, providing him plenty of books about nature. Your brother voiced that he wanted to perhaps study International Relations at the University of Ketterdam? Uncle Minjun would place a stack of books for beginner’s in International Relations and provide a recommendation list of tutors who he thought could help him. You were fascinated with art? Oh Uncle Minjun had your back, bringing you books on art and art history and taking you to art exhibitions with Aunt Ari. If there was anyone who took a serious interest in your education as much as your father, it was your Uncle Minjun. In a world where the education of girls was not taken seriously, Uncle Minjun was one of the strongest advocates to your father voicing that you were a bright, smart and sharp girl, dismissing your mother’s opinions on the fact that you should marry and listening to your own opinions and treating you as an equal. It was because of him, your father had the finest governesses to teach you and keep you company and report your progress to him and Uncle Minjun who was so proud of you. 

Uncle Yuri was one of your favorites. While Uncle Minjun favored the indoors, sitting in a nice library, Uncle Yuri favored the great outdoors climbing trees and swimming in lakes. You had learned that Uncle Yuri was a demolitions expert for your father and could blow anything up and had helped you and your brother with Uncle Minjun to build bombs and grenades in a safe environment. His silly faces and jokes rivaled his husband, Uncle Sebastian’s making you giggle and laugh. Uncle Yuri had an easy and lovely smile and was playful and good natured always taking you and your brother outside to play and have picnics, long walks, feeding the ducks, swims, and carrying you on his shoulders as he chattered with you and your brother. Uncle Yuri and Uncle Sebastian often babysat you the most, Uncle Sebastian letting you get into mischief and Uncle Yuri being the sensible one. Whenever Uncle Yuri entered the house, you would be ready with a hug and he would make you try to catch the latest hat he was wearing with a mischievous grin as he watched you jump up and down for it but in the end relented and placed it on your head every time. But Uncle Yuri was kind - hearted and earnest always insisting that if there was anything wrong, you could confide in him.

Uncle David was another constant presence in your home with his dry sense of humor, wide smile and strength. He was a strong and calm gentleman but whenever he was with you, he became childish and playful. He snuck in snacks, cookies, donuts, iced cupcakes that both of you shared while sitting next to each other and listening to gossip as you both exchanged sassy glances, he slapped or scolded anyone who kept a weapon within your vicinity, spoiled you with the prettiest and most expensive dresses, dolls and books as he competed with your uncles and aunts on who could get you the best presents, danced with you spinning you around to the music, defending you sassily when your mother made a passive aggressive remark about you, competing with you in races and childish games they held and voicing his pride in you whenever you painted art or mastered a difficult task. You remember him losing his temper and nearly blowing off Uncle Minjun’s and Uncle Yuri’s heads when he found out that they had taught you how to handle knives and blow up things. He was very protective of you when it came to boys and bonded over it with the rest of your uncles, father and brother. If he saw you talking to a boy, he would assess their prospects for the future, their character and recommend that no one was good enough for you which your father agreed with. Although he was protective, he was fiercely loyal and brave and stood up for what he believed in. 

In your memory, Aunt Maya was the most stunning and beautiful woman you had come across. She possessed entrancing purple eyes, dark skin, and a smile that enchanted everyone. Aunt Maya was a very powerful Grisha who possessed the remarkable powers of a squaller, a heartrender, a healer, an inferni, a fabrikator and a tidemaker. Her powers as a fabrikator and tidemaker were her weakest but the rest of her abilities were absolutely wonderful and powerful. From a young age, you understood the utmost importance of keeping her unique abilities a secret. Being a Grisha was one thing, being a Grisha who could channel different powers and abilities with ease and grace was dangerous in the world. Aunt Maya was a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile who always wore the most divine dresses and high heels. Aunt Maya was faithful and loyal to your father who had helped her escape bounty hunters and given her safety and protection within his gang. Aunt Maya loved you as her own, telling you stories about Grisha and their abilities, about the Darkling and the Fold, the power of the amplifiers, Morozova and his work, the universe and the greed of men, the lives of the Saints and her life at the Little Palace before she became a target marked as dangerous. 

Aunt Natalia was soft and sweet, your godmother. She was a soft spoken spy who was quiet most of the time and could never hear her footsteps when she approached you. But when attacked or provoked, she had the fiercest temper and strongest spirit you knew. Everyone admired her cleverness and kindness and the willingness to do what needed to be done no matter what the cost and her innocent and sweet demeanor often deceived many into thinking she was harmless when she was very dangerous. Aunt Natalia, your godmother was the mother your mother never was to you. She always let you sit on her lap and always made sure you ate your meals on time, played with you and took walks with you, yelled at you whenever you did something stupid and risky like scaling your house when you were once left alone. She admired your paintings and became excited whenever you did anything, talked with you about everything and nothing, played peacemaker when you and your brother fought with each other and made you both promise to always put it each other first, and sewed you pretty dresses of the latest fashion and knitted you and your brother countless socks, scarves and sweaters you didn’t have the heart to say no to. She took care of you, showering you with plenty of hugs and kisses adoringly. 

Aunt Holly was the fun aunt who always livened up the house with her merry presence and jolly smile. She always had her weapons on her at all times from her knives, her revolvers and her other discreet weapons that she would use properly. She was the aunt who loved food with all her heart so when she was around, she’d take charge of the kitchen and cook meals. You had heard stories of her work as an assassin, of how once she had fought off a gang of men with only a frying pan and killed slavers with a flower pot. Aunt Holly was the aunt who let you have your first shot of kvas secretly, who taught you to handle knives, who taught you how to walk the tightrope and glide so silently on your feet and hide in the shadows. Holly taught you how to climb and scale buildings and leap off from one roof to another, one tree branch to another and use lockpicks to break in and out of rooms. Holly was the aunt your father despaired having around because you would love listening her recount exciting stories of gang wars and bloodshed in Ketterdam and different strategies of how to blend in and steal a wallet. You found it all very fascinating and that worried your father who wanted you away from this life as possible. When your father and your godfather had seen you balancing yourself on a ledge, trying to walk without fear, they nearly had a heart attack as everyone shouted at you to get down but Aunt Holly laughed and encouraged you to continue without any fear. 

Aunt Ari was an absolute fashionista always dressed to impress and kill. She was cheerful and bright, clever and cruel in her own way. She was a powerful heartrender who loved torturing men with her abilities and was able to extract information from them. Aunt Ari taught you Shu and talked with you in Shu most of the time. Aunt Ari liked telling you stories from her travels around the world and reading you stories as she tucked you to bed. She loved answering your wild questions with wildly imaginative and beautiful answers without laughing at you. She was a talented and gifted musician who had a talent for beautifully singing. She encouraged you and your brother’s love of music. Although you loved music, you were not a gifted pianist like your brother became under your Aunt Ari’s tutelage. Your brother had a wonderful talent for playing the piano and singing. You often played duets with Aunt Ari and your brother but you didn’t feel that you were good enough of a pianist. Aunt Ari didn’t give up on you presenting you with various instruments until you came across the violin that had belonged to her sister who had passed away that was untouched since her death. Aunt Ari who had seen you eye it longingly, had let you touch it and learn to play it. The moment you learned to play it, you loved every moment of playing the violin and became incredibly good at it. It gave you the peace that painting gave you. You loved how when you started to play the violin, everything else faded away and you felt you could reflect peacefully. As you mastered the violin, Aunt Ari would watch your progress with a proud expression, blinking back tears of joy in her eyes at seeing you finally bring music to the world with her sister’s violin. 

Aunt Adira was the thief and charming temptress with a warm smile that distracted many people while the real work took place. You remembered her warm hugs and her stories of her own family that she had lost when she had been taken by slavers. Ketterdam had been hell to her but she had made a bargain with your father who had paid her indenture and freed her as she sharpened her skills as a thief and a charming spy who listened quietly and patiently for information and extracted important information for your father to use against his enemies. Adira was full of kindness always helping anyone out anyway she could and full of faith in the Saints. She prayed to the Saints every day and taught you prayers to Saints. No one understood how she kept faith in a faithless world but she had once confided that faith was her peace in the chaos of the world. Adira treated you and your brother with such sweetness and kindness, sometimes you would see her eyes stare at you both in wistfulness and misty tears. You didn’t know it then but your father had confided in you that both of you reminded her of her children that the slavers had taken separating her from them and was still searching for. Aunt Adira was fierce and steadfast in her spirit, fighting for what was right and standing up for what she believed in and spoke up when she thought someone was wrong. She was true to her values and often showered you with hugs and kisses, food and flower crowns.

Tag, you’re it. Take care of them, would be the motto that they passed on when one of them left you and your brother in the care of another.  

You would describe your home as a mad house full of laughter and good times. Birthdays were celebrated with extravagance and happiness with presents exchanged and wishes made on the candles of the prettiest cakes, dinner parties where stories were exchanged over drinks and food were hosted, dances where your uncles would each take turns dancing with you, the discussions where swearing was prohibited and words such as murder and torture were substituted with kid friendly words, evening tea and midnight feasts with the guns and knives lying on the table as they held you in their arms and kept you far away from weapons, warm days where your aunts and uncles would play with you and your brother outside, and rainy days where theatricals and pranks, paintings and music were ever present in the home with tremendous love, laughter and hugs. 

“Not really. I had my aunts and uncles - my father’s closest friends in his gang who visited most of the time. It never felt lonely with them around... it felt like a mad house.” you said as you remembered the loud raucous laughter whenever a prank was pulled and the bright smiles that lit up the atmosphere “There was always some prank pulled, some game played, someone yelling, running around and laughing, bonfire nights and garden parties, and dinners and birthdays celebrated... having the time of our lives.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of the very warm and cozy house as he pictured a family full of vengeful gangsters laughing and having the time of their lives with children who didn’t know loneliness and emptiness but only knew love and warmth as he looked at you in interest “What happened to them?”

“Some of them died. Some of them... I think they are alive... but I don’t know. The rumors I’ve heard of them suggest that  some of them are still alive and out there but I don’t want to hope.” you said tired and exhausted as you closed your eyes thinking of all the rumors and whispers you had heard of their whereabouts even though they had faded away long time ago. 

You simply had given up hope for a happy ending. 

When Nikolai inquired their names, you paused for a moment hesitantly and told him. Nikolai gasped audibly because the names you had just revealed to him were cautionary tales told to the children of Ravka and ghost stories whispered aboard his ship about the Order of the Dark Knights. Nikolai knew that you grew up with gangsters but he couldn’t quite comprehend and wrap his head around the fact that you grew up around the most feared and dangerous gangsters in Kerch and all of the world before the Crows came into the scene. He couldn’t believe that your father was the feared and revered leader of the Order of the Dark Knights who had blood on his hands and each tale more gruesome and fearsome than the last. Nikolai grew up hearing stories about each member who was uniquely talented and dangerous that no child should emulate, certainly not a Ravkan aristocrat. Nikolai had been fascinated with the thieves who set themselves apart with their ability to shed blood and fearsome talents. The last Nikolai heard of the Order of the Dark Knights was that they were burned to death in their leader’s house by an enemy. There were rumors someone had betrayed the gangster’s location and rumors that some members were still alive and stayed hidden undercover even today waiting for the right moment to rise. That they didn’t really die that night. 

Nikolai looked at you and then understanding dawned upon him as his eyes widened “Y/L/N. Your last name is a fake one, isn’t it? You wouldn’t be so stupid as to take your father’s last name in Ketterdam and paint a target on your back.”

You smiled in amazement and astonishment wondering how Nikolai got you so perfectly, your eyes twinkling in mischief and reminiscence at the last name you had adopted from your imaginative mind “My first name is my real one. But I’m surprised at how well you know me. My last name is a fake one. Life isn’t easy when you realize that your father has many enemies who’d want to take their revenge on him by hurting him.”

“My sunshine, rule number one... please don’t ever become me.”

Nikolai remembered how his mother would tell him stories of your father’s ruthless ways. Your father was a story that intrigued Nikolai, the story about the heir who grew up in one of the most prominent and wealthy Honorable Aristocratic Houses of Ravka that was known for its nobility and purity of bloodline and everlasting loyalty to the Crown of Ravka to the point of blind following. The parents of this family had been rumored to be cold and heartless, grooming the children to be the perfect and invincible soldiers and subjects of Ravka and the children were seen as an example of perfection in every manner.

Of the particular family your father was the oldest and he had a younger brother, both eligible young bachelors who held positions of power and privilege in the Ravkan Court. But while the youngest was too happy to oblige and follow the rules, the heir of the family, the oldest brother rebelled and questioned the rules in place and how they were unfair to the poor. There were rumors of him being punished for simply visiting the poor and understanding the Grisha and mingling with them and becoming friends with the outcasts and the hungry. 

The final string snapped when the heir of this prestigious family stepped to defend a soldier who was a scapegoat for treason against the King by a larger force. He was considered a traitor to the country when he pleaded a pardon for his long time friend, a poor man, a soldier who had been wrongfully accused of treason and sentenced to death. But your father could not let injustice of this country stand as he finally decided to act upon and decide who he was once and for all as he plotted and freed the soldier from his chains in the dungeons and a dangerous Grisha girl who had been locked in there for a long time just because her power was one no one else understood. Your father ran away in the night with the soldier and the Grisha girl escaping to Ketterdam where he started a new life climbing the criminal ladder with two faithful and loyal friends. 

The soldier was none other than your godfather and father’s best friend, Sebastian and the dangerous Grisha girl who escaped alongside them was your Aunt Maya. 

Your father hated the lot of them just as much as they hated him. He was burned from the family tree after been marked as a traitor and no one in his family spoke his name for he disgraced him with his act of treachery and the acts he committed as the leader of the Order of the Dark Knights and occupied a high position in the Merchants Council in Ketterdam. Nikolai knew that the story was intended to be a cautionary tale but he couldn’t help but feel inspired how your father was everything that everyone were afraid to be in the most dark and difficult times. Nikolai was inspired at how your father gave up his whole world, his family, his country to do what was right instead of living an easy life.

Nikolai had known your father’s younger brother. He held a position as an advisor in the court for a long time mending and repairing the honor of his family damaged by your father’s reckless actions. He was quiet and reserved, well mannered and intelligent, observant and calm. Vasily often made fun of the soft spoken advisor but Nikolai liked your father’s young brother. From his younger days, Nikolai admired the composed and smart brother Matthew who was gentle and kind - hearted to Nikolai, never acknowledging the rumors about him being a bastard but had only treated Nikolai as an equal and a noble prince. As Nikolai grew up, he struck up an odd sort of friendship with the Matthew who became Nikolai’s mentor, favorite advisor and a good friend. 

Nikolai remembers the Matthew's love for his family. Your father’s family was notorious for its cold disposition and harshness in raising perfect children so Nikolai had expected the same from your father’s younger brother. He had been pleasantly surprised to see your father’s Matthew treat his children differently. Nikolai who was invited to the advisor’s house for countless soirees, talks and meals would witness Matthew spin his children around with a grin when he came home from work and then hug his wife tightly with a bright and tender smile. 

Matthew never shared much about his family but only shared the vision Nikolai had for Ravka. Nikolai was astounded at his intelligence and observations, as he taught Nikolai his own sharp perceptions and observations about whose opinions mattered in the court for a King, what they liked and disliked, their family backgrounds and what the court thought of Vasily and Nikolai. A lot of what Matthew shared with Nikolai helped Nikolai to mold himself and charm his subjects, generals and advisors into seeing Nikolai as a charming, smart and capable leader. 

Though his mentor never shared much about his family, Nikolai would glimpse a certain look of wistful sadness and pained bitterness about his brother who had been marked a traitor and banished on the pain of death. He had once caught his mentor staring at the burnt name on the tapestry of the family tree with quiet contemplation and longing, as if he carried a great burden of loss and grief on his shoulders. Nikolai had left him alone but had not forgotten that sight for it was not a well spoken and polite aristocrat he had seen then, he had seen a brother who was grieving for the loss of a brother he could not get back. Once Nikolai who had been grieving after Vasily had his father banish Dominik in disgrace and enlist his Dominik’s elder brother in the army, he had run toward Matthew’s place unannounced in the middle of the night because he felt helpless and didn’t know where else to go.

Please forgive my intrusion. 

Not at all. Please stay if you like, Your Highness. 

He had become a sort of odd father figure in that moment when he had seen Nikolai’s grief and hugged him in welcome and comfort. He had stayed over at the best guest room with a hot and hearty meal and warm clothes provided. In the morning, Nikolai had accepted the offer of taking a walk with Matthew as he let him know everything that had occurred, all the anger and grief and sadness he felt about losing his best friend and against Vasily who had betrayed him. Matthew had truly listened patiently to the young prince vent out his frustration and then struck up a proper conversation full of truth and honesty, comfort and shared experience making Nikolai feel safe and understood and Matthew assured him that he would make certain that Dominik’s family was well taken care of and later on pulled strings to get Dominik’s elder brother reassigned to a place where the fighting was light. After the most enlightening conversation full of shed tears and shared truths of hard burdens and brutalizing loss, Matthew and his wife had hugged Nikolai with such warmth, treating him like their own son and had let Nikolai know that she had made a special meal just for him and if there was ever anything, they would always be there for him. 

Nikolai had been incredibly fond of Matthew and his family from then on and eternally in debt and grateful to Matthew for pulling the strings to keep Dominik and his family safe. He remembered how he had cursed Vasily angrily throughout their conversation and though Matthew shared many pieces of wisdom with him on that day, one stood out particularly and etched itself on Nikolai’s mind because it felt as if Matthew wasn’t talking about just Vasily and Nikolai. 

“A cruel truth to it, isn’t it? Two brothers so close in age, the more one becomes one thing, the more other necessarily becomes the opposite.”

Later that day Matthew had called Nikolai into his study and showed him a picture of him and his brother. Matthew and his elder brother looked so young and handsome, shocking Nikolai at how old and exhausted they had grown up to be in the present. Nikolai examined the family picture of the brothers with their cousins, and recognized Matthew immediately. He was immediately recognizable as the smaller and handsome boy with dark hair, grey eyes and composed and haughty demeanor. A young Matthew stood regally and elegantly next to a older boy who looked very similar to him except he was charmingly handsome with a reckless and careless glint in his eyes, his lips curving into slightly warm smile as he held himself haughtily and coldly. But both of them were just children, just two brothers, frozen in the moment. 

“This is my older brother. I believe he needs no introduction... he’s made a name for himself. Before he was what he is now, he insisted on serving in the infantry. He came back a war hero. I think that’s when my family was truly proud of him.” recalled Matthew quietly and wistfully as he pointed out his brother and then him in the photograph to Nikolai who looked at it curiously.  

“Did he win medals?”

“Oh, Ravka bestowed many of the medals on him. Rewarded him the Medal of Honor, Army Commendation Award and the Distinguished Conduct Honor among many of them.” said Matthew with a small smile that seemed to Nikolai as if he was laughing at Ravka for bestowing medals upon a brave soldier and then banishing him without consideration for what he did for his country “But he threw them all in the fire and watched it burn. None of us came back the same.” 

Nikolai felt shocked at the action of the elder brother but since Matthew was being unusually open, Nikolai let his curiosity get the better of him “What was he like?”

“He laughed. A lot. He wanted to sail ships and work with horses. Always the charming and rebellious one of the family.” replied Matthew with a genuine and fond smile curving on his lips, a smile that displayed brotherly love and childish affection, a smile that Nikolai had never seen before “He was in love with a girl before the war. Her parents were Suli and none of the families approved of the dalliance but he won the girl’s parents over.”

“She died at the age of sixteen. But my brother was there at her bedside for four months every day holding her hand. And after she died, he went away to war.” recounted Matthew, his smile fading slightly as he was lost in memories of long ago while Nikolai listened in amazement and heartbreak “My sweet, kind, charming brother who laughed a lot never came back after that.”

“But you have a distinguished war record as well. You received the Medal of Honor, the Meritorious Service Medal and Distinguished Service Medal among a few to name.” said Nikolai in admiration and respect as he looked at Matthew who had been one of the rare nobles who had given up the safety of a home and position to go serve in the trenches of the war as a medik. “You and your brother are hailed as two war heroes who were the miracle in the most brutal and dangerous of wars in the history of our country.”

“Ah, we were. My father objected when both of us enlisted but we had to enlist. We couldn’t stay in the comfort of a home or a tent when everyone else was going to fight for this country. My brother became a soldier and I became a medik to serve. I figured I’d be saving people, not killing them.” said Matthew quietly and contemplatively and Nikolai swore that Matthew looked as if he was back on the battlefield “I just kept praying to the Saints every damn moment in the chaos of the battle... not for myself... I prayed and begged the Saints to help me save one more person in this godforsaken war and heal them so they can go back to their families.”

Nikolai was silent, feeling absolute respect and admiration for his mentor who had saved many lives as he continued reminiscently “I wasn’t... I was thought of as mad of course, those days. Mediks weren’t as valued as soldiers. They thought I was a coward for not fighting. But my brother understood I was trying to serve in my own way.”

“The commander of my regiment tried to send me home but they... the soldiers I saved... warmed up to me. They stood up for me. They all said they’ll go home if I am sent in disgrace.” said Matthew with a small chuckle but there were tears in his eyes “I understood that you are always going to need all the help you can get and no one is going to help you if they don’t like you.”

Nikolai contemplated on those words silently as he retained the wisdom of that advice that honed the actions of his future and he knew he was stepping the line with this question but he needed to ask him “Your brother and you... did you care for him?”

“I thought the world of him. I thought we were going to fight and change the world side by side.” answered Matthew quietly and wistfully after a long moment with reminiscence in his eyes as he sighed “But in the end, he is who he is and I am who I am. There is no changing that.”

After a month or so, news reached Nikolai that Matthew had disappeared under mysterious and strange circumstances. Though the King sent search parties for him, no sign of him had been found. Matthew had finally been concluded as missing and presumed dead. 

“He’s dead.”

“He - no - he can’t be!”

Nikolai had been in disbelief and denial as he attended the funeral of his mentor feeling grief and emptiness in his heart, hiding tears remembering his quiet and composed demeanor, his light smiles, wise advice and warm hugs. How was he supposed to do all this by himself now without an advisor, without his mentor? The grief only grew worse when he was informed that Matthew had left Nikolai a considerable amount of money in the will with the instructions to live wisely and freely as he chose.

Later, after the war when Zoya had investigated the Darkling’s chambers in the Little Palace, she had come across a few surviving letters that she found interesting and shared them with Nikolai. Nikolai had felt his heart jump to his throat at finding that this was a letter addressed to the Darkling by Matthew, in his elegant and neat handwriting and Nikolai had wasted no time in reading it. 

To the Darkling, 

I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have discovered your true identity as the Black Heretic and your plans to extend the Fold with your secret search for the Sun Summoner and Morozova’s amplifiers. I intend to foil and destroy all chances of your plan to destroy Ravka. I face the possibility of death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will fail in your pursuit for power and die alone and unloved.

Nikolai had not been ashamed to admit that he had burst into tears of grief and pain. His mentor had sacrificed himself, not letting the world know the true story of his sacrifice just to save Ravka. Matthew had never wanted power and glory, he had just wanted to keep Ravka safe and keep Nikolai safe until he was ready to take back what was his. Matthew had been clever and intelligent enough to deduce the Darkling’s secrets and plans from an early stage and try to find a way to stop the Darkling alone without putting anyone else in danger but it was likely that the Darkling killed him off. 

And now an invisible string that had spun his fate had tied him and tugged him to Matthew’s niece, Y/N, who had no family of her own all alone in the world. Nikolai felt awestruck and amazed at the frightening enormity of how destiny seemed to have a larger plan for all of them, how his mentor had been your late uncle and now how he met you who he was immensely in love with. 

“You are Y/N Y/RLN (Real last name)” pronounced Nikolai in soft tenderness and amazed awe as he looked at you with widened eyes of astonishment. 

You let out an audible gasp of incredible relief and happy gratitude because it had been so long since someone called you by your real name, the name you knew from birth to be your own, the name that had taken you in as their own with such love, the name you had cut ties with when you had arrived in Ketterdam and the name you sometimes forgot when hard days dragged on in its cold loneliness and hurt as tears sprung into your eyes and you nodded. 

“I don’t think I’ve heard that name for a long time.” you breathed in wonder and relief as you stared at Nikolai with such tenderness and affection because your heart had skipped a beat at the way he had pronounced your name as if it was precious and beautiful and then you looked at him quietly through the tears “So what are you going to do now?”

Nikolai was taken aback by your question “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I am Y/N Y/RLN, daughter of one of the most feared gangsters in the history of Ketterdam. I am very valuable. There are so many people who will give anything to get their hands on me to enact their revenge.” you said quietly with an air of pride and hidden vulnerability. “I have told you my secret I’ve never told anyone else... not even Kaz Brekker. Secrets often have a price in Ketterdam.”

Nikolai realized that though you were proud of who you were, you were now naturally scared of what would happen to you because you had confided your greatest secret in him and he saw that all your life you had been running and hiding and he hugged you tightly “Y/N, my darling, I will take your secret with me to my grave. Trust me, I will never hurt you. I like you just the way you are and I will protect you from anyone who dares to harm you.”

You buried your head on his shoulder as you felt warm and safe, your cheeks flushing with heat at his soft and honest words surprised because you had never felt this way as his intoxicating perfume comforted you and you murmured “I don’t feel so scared anymore.”

Nikolai held you tightly in his embrace, his heart wrenching at those words slipping out of your mouth because though you hid it very well behind your expressive smile and guarded and composed demeanor, you were still a vulnerable and scared child who had been abandoned from birth marked by grief and loss “You never have to be scared, my love. We’re in this together.”

You blushed at the sweet endearment Nikolai whispered in your ear and smiled gratefully as you broke the hug feeling warmth and happiness spread through you, your cheeks tingling in red hues as you twisted your fingers nervously and concentrated on finishing the final touches of the sketch. When you finished the sketch, you looked at it with pride, as emotions of wistfulness, love, grief, reminiscence and adoration swelled within you. You smiled softly and fondly at the drawing and then felt Nikolai gaze at you quizzically as you felt your heart skip a beat and then you looked back at your drawing quietly. It was something purely personal and private but you took a leap of faith to share this with Nikolai because in your heart you wanted to as you slowly and nervously showed him what you had been sketching. 

Nikolai was pleasantly surprised as he took the sketchbook gently and delicately in his hands to see an incredibly talented and detailed drawing of a stoic and composed man with hard edges and sharp cheekbones who was elegantly and impeccably dressed in a suit smiling in warm and relaxed amusement as he held a cigarette in his hands, his icy cold blue eyes gleaming with mischievous delight and sly laughter that he held back as he looked fondly and lovingly and listened attentively to the little girl sitting on his lap talking to him with a solemn expression, an equally mischievous smile playing on her lips as she held his hand in hers. 

Nikolai realized you had just shown him your father as you remembered him and he felt a lump of emotion rise in his throat at the fact that you trusted him so much with such a precious part of your life you kept hidden away from the rest of the world. It was a simple sketch but the love you had poured into the drawing showed the feared gangster who was thought of a monster as a relaxed, warm and kind father who had a softer and sweeter side to him that he hid from the rest of the world. He didn’t seem like a ruthless cutthroat gangster. He was simply a man.

Nikolai felt awed and amazed by it, he could feel the warmth and affection of it exude as he suddenly felt a craving to be in that sketch and wondered what on earth you were saying to your father, a feared gangster to make him smile in such amusement. 

“That’s my father. I’d love it when he’d laugh. He had the nicest laugh in the world. Warm and steady. He’d always be amused whenever I was around... he had that little proud and amused smile he’d always wear whenever I did or said something.” you said with a reminiscent and fond smile as you remembered how your father’s laugh was such a joy in your life. 

“That’s my little girl, ey? You are such fun when you say such odd things.”

“What’s an unforgettable memory you have of him?” asked Nikolai in curiosity as he looked at you, suddenly realizing that this was so sweetly intimate because you were letting your guard down around him and letting him know the little things that you hid from rest of the world. 

“I have so many lovely memories of him that it’s impossible to choose. It’s lovely isn’t it? That my father gave me the nicest and loveliest memories to remember him by? But if I had to choose, it would be this one.” you said quietly and reminiscently with a lovely twinkle in your eyes as you spoke thoughtfully after a long moment as Nikolai shifted toward you listening raptly to you.

“My father was out on business to Ketterdam when my school teacher caned me and beat me up more than once for no reason. Perhaps he enjoyed it.” you said softly and honestly with a brave smile as you extended your hand, showing your palm to Nikolai whose eyes widened remembering the times Dominik was hurt by his teacher to punish him. “I feared his temper and hated going to school because I was so afraid.”

He felt hot rod of outrageous anger surge through him as he held your palm that had the scar of the unjust punishment you were given and you shivered when his thumb traced your scar gently “My mother didn’t care when I told her and my brother was the only one who cared. One day, I saw that my father had arrived home earlier than he was supposed to with his friends. He saw what happened to my hand and he went wild with anger. I’ve never seen him so unhinged, out of control. His eyes were glinting with murder but he I was scared and crying.”

“He calmed me down and comforted me, kissed my little wounded hand and bandaged it, made silly jokes, told me stories and put me to sleep. The next day, he woke me up at five and told me to get dressed in my best dress. My father drove me to the school where he had ordered a meeting with all the teachers of the school early in the morning.” you said remembering the tense atmosphere in the carriage where your father had held your little hand in his gently as he smoked his cigarette and contemplated on his thoughts solemnly. “They told me to stay in the carriage but after they left, I followed them and listened outside the door.”

“Ever the spy even when you were a little girl?” teased Nikolai with a mischievous glint in his eyes at the thought of you disobeying your dangerous father’s orders and doing things your own way but his smile faded slightly when he remembered what had happened to you. “What happened?”

“In the meeting, my father withdrew me from school and withdrew funding from the school. He was so calm, so quiet and yet I could feel his anger as he defied them by smoking in the room and threatened them. He didn’t beat them or hurt them but he was absolutely terrifying.” you said with awe and amazement as you remembered every word that your father had uttered in that meeting exuding the promise of death to anyone who so much as dared to breath near you “When he withdrew funding, the principal was furious. He yelled at my father for withdrawing funding and mentioned his crimes and I remember my father just slamming him to the wall and saying ‘I’m not a criminal. I’m a father. And I will break heaven and earth to protect my daughter. Any of you come near her again, in fact if you so much as try to do anything to hurt her and make her unhappy, I will find you and cut you to pieces.’”

Nikolai was equally stunned and impressed at your father’s overwhelming love for you that showed how far he was willing to go to protect you and suddenly wished that his father could have been half the man your father had been as he felt a lump of emotion swell in his throat as you continued “And then he took me out to the village where we spent the day out and we both had a really nice day together. And when he tucked me to bed and told me that I don’t have to go to school anymore, that I’ll be learning at home with governesses and if they gave me any trouble, I should tell him at once... when he told me that, I just felt warm and fuzzy... I felt I wasn’t alone. That no matter how hard life got, he’d always be there for me.”

“Not true, of course. I was wrong. He wouldn’t always be there for me. He was murdered a long time ago and now he’s not there for me anymore.” you said softly and sincerely with a saddened and pained expression and Nikolai felt his heart clench in pain as he squeezed your hand gently “But he was there for me throughout his life and that’s what counts, I guess.”

“Your father may have been a cold - hearted criminal but he was a good father. A kind father. I don’t think many people can say that about themselves.” said Nikolai honestly with a sincere smile as he squeezed your hand gently “And he raised a fantastic daughter. I’d think he’d be very proud of you.”

You smiled through your teary eyes as you looked at the portrait of your genuinely smiling father, his eyes warm and so alive in that moment and looked at Nikolai gratefully as you both stayed in silence and Nikolai asked a question that broke the moment “You said your father was murdered. There are stories that - well, he burned to death along with his closest order members that night.”

Nikolai observed you grow stiff and tense as your face drew into a cold and harsh expression “Yes. I was there that night. It was his birthday... one moment, there my father was smiling while everyone sang happy birthday and suddenly the whole house was on fire, an army of thugs surrounding it and turning the whole place upside down thirsty for blood. My uncles and aunts... they stayed back to fight and distract the thugs while my father ushered us into one of the secret tunnels that led out to safety.”

“I remember him carrying me very tightly, angry people yelling furiously trying to get through the barricaded doors and when he pushed me into the tunnel... he promised he’d come and find me as soon as he could and closed the entrance to the tunnel. That was the last I saw of him. Everything burned down as we ran away. Today is the day I lost my family. I lost my normal life.” you replied quietly as you rubbed your forehead in exhaustion and pain blinking back tears that came with the memories that you had thought of today “And the craziest thing is, I keep thinking that my father’s not really dead. He promised he’d come to find me. He always kept his promises. And he was the man who could always do the impossible, always one step ahead. If anyone could survive that fire, it was him.”

You buried your face in your hands because you were fairly certain you were mad with grief of loss and abandonment as tears slipped down your cheeks and then you wiped them away hastily and steadied yourself “But I know it’s not going to happen. So I made a promise to my dad... to all of them... that I’ll hunt whoever is responsible and when I find them, I will kill them.”

Nikolai knew from the dark gleam in your eyes that you had already found who was responsible for your father’s death and you were just biding time waiting for the opportune moment as he hesitated “Who is it who killed them?”

“Pekka Rollins.” you spat vengefully after a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch for eternity “He killed my father and snatched all of his properties and members to the Dime Lions. Kaz Brekker had his revenge on him and soon it will be my turn.”

“Then let’s destroy him until he begs for mercy from you.” asked Nikolai quietly in steely determination as he looked at you with fire of devotion burning in his eyes. 

You were taken aback with surprise and shock as you felt speechless and tongue tied and you finally found your tongue as you replied “You’re going to help me?”

“Of course, love. I’m not going to let you go into this all alone.” replied Nikolai easily and charmingly as he winked at you making you blush “And if you do get in serious trouble, you will have diplomatic immunity on the table because you’ll be happily married to me.”

“You’re a prat!” you laughed, blushing a pretty pink as you tried to hide your shyness by taking a book that he had been reading and slapping him with it while he yelled in pain. 

“OWWW! STOP HURTING ME, WOMAN!”

“KICK HIS ASS, Y/N!”

“GET HIM, GIRL!”

“ARE YOU EVEN MY FRIENDS?”

You collapsed into hearty laughter as you spared him mercy as he rubbed his shoulder with dramatic painful groans as he complained but he was smiling widely at you. You looked at the book Nikolai had been reading recently and opened it while Nikolai was busy retorting sassily at Genya, Nina and Zoya. 

You smirked widely when you read the rather interesting paragraphs in the book and when Nikolai turned toward you, his eyes widened in nervous shock and dismay as he lunged for the book but you dodged him and began reading the text with a wide and teasing smirk “Anthony felt every fiber of his being consumed by the desire as he pushed her down to the bed and kissed her flawless alabaster skin with desperate passion, his lips traveling down her neck as he cupped her breast - “

“Alright, give it back!” yelled Nikolai who had gone red in embarrassment but you laughed in amusement as you danced out of his way, reading the filthiest parts you could find.

“My goodness, Your Majesty. Who knew that under that perfect prince disguise was a filthy man with naughty thoughts?” you teased as you stood on top of the arm of the sofa avoiding Nikolai who was scrambling to get to you desperately. 

“It’s a love story! They are in love!” exclaimed Nikolai who was blushing in absolute embarrassment because now this had destroyed all chances of you seeing him as a prospective choice in your love life. In fact, this was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him in his life!

“My goodness, you dirty naughty boy, look at what you’ve been reading! Is this what you have been reading with a straight face?” you laughed in amusement as you wiggled your eyebrows teasingly and playfully at Nikolai making him stutter and blush. “I must say, your reading taste is very... filthy.”

“That’s enough, now give it back!” said Nikolai who lunged at you but you dodged him as you jumped on his back making him yell out loudly as you kept the book away from him and whispered teasingly and sensually into his ear silencing all protests “Was this how it felt to burn for someone you truly loved? To have them and hold them as your own and know that come what may their mind, body, soul and heart was only yours. Katherine let out a loud moan when her lover slammed his -”

“Alright, thank you very much!” said Nikolai who had practically frozen when you had started reading the filthy parts of the novel in a suggestive and sensual voice that had aroused something in him and he grabbed the novel from you as he heard you laugh teasingly and merrily into his ear. “Stop laughing, Y/N!”

“You can’t make me.” you replied boldly and daringly as you slid down from his back with an easygoing and laidback grin. 

“Is that a challenge?” replied Nikolai equally cockily and confidently as he turned around and looked at you in a way one would measure his opponent and you felt shivers of pleasure run through you and jolt when he stepped toward you. 

You held your breath as Nikolai stared at you longingly and intensely with such yearning that it took your breath away. He took another step to you as his face lingered close to yours that you could see the golden light flickering in his hazel eyes. You could feel his breath fanning your skin as his eyes flickered from your own eyes to your lips. His lips were hovering inches away from yours full of yearning and longing and you suddenly felt a semblance of a fire stoked within you. You knew you should step away but rationality and logic was slipping away from you each moment you were with him. You loved Kaz... you loved... you were trying to remember but it was getting unbearable when Nikolai was so close yet so far away. 

The door opened abruptly and Nikolai and you jumped apart, your hearts beating very loudly as you felt your cheeks redden as you suddenly remembered where you were and what had happened. What was wrong with you? What had happened to you? Why had you let yourself indulge in a moment of weakness with Nikolai? He was attractive and handsome but he was your friend! You couldn’t afford to lose a wreck of another friendship! You knew this couldn’t be!

You poured yourself a strong glass of brandy to compose yourself, not wanting to look at Nikolai because you simply didn’t want to see him.

The messenger had arrived and was greeted unhappily by Genya who had groaned, Nina who poured herself another glass of brandy and Zoya who threw a cushion at the poor man as she yelled “REALLY? NOW? IS NOW THE TIME FOR YOU TO BLOODY ARRIVE? GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU IDIOT! I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY MONEY AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT!”

You drank your glass of brandy in one go paying no attention to the messenger who delivered letters to everyone in the room and you poured yourself another glass of brandy when the messenger addressed you “Miss Y/N Y/LN?”

You smiled at him “Yes, that’s me.”

“This is for you.” he said with a nod as he handed over a few letters and you thanked him kindly. 

You settled down in a sofa far away from Nikolai with your glass of brandy as you went through your usual letters that your friends from Ketterdam sent you. As you took a sip of your brandy, you nearly choked on it when you saw Kaz’ precise handwriting on the envelope addressed to you. This was Kaz’ first letter to you since you had left Ketterdam after your fallout with him. You felt unusually nervous and terrified, amazed and happy at the fact that Kaz had taken time out of his busy day to write to you. You didn’t know what the contents of the letter were but for the first time, you felt hope soar that this was the beginning of a reconciliation and a new beginning. Perhaps the very stubborn Kaz had somehow written a curt apology and that’s all you needed for now. You held the envelope in your hands for a long time because you wanted to hold onto the lovely dreams and fantasies of what might be in that letter and then you decided to get on with it as you opened the envelope and read the letter. 

As you finished reading the letter, you felt a sense of disbelief take over your body and you read it over and over again because you didn’t want this to be the reality. Then something very dark and dangerous in you ignited, something that had been hurt and wounded for a long time began growling in anger as fury and rage boiled in you and crashed over you in overwhelming tidal waves until it was all you could feel and taste and breathe. 

You felt the rage and fury burn through you as you stood up and threw your glass of brandy into the wall as it shattered into pieces alarming and shocking everyone who nearly jumped out of their seats and looked at you in concern and surprise but you didn’t care as your crumpled up the letter, breathing heavily and marched out of the room not seeing Nikolai look at you in genuine sincerity and concern. 

“What happened?” asked Nikolai in concern as he jumped out of his seat and strode toward where you had been sitting. 

“I think this might have been the cause.” said Nina as she picked up the letter that they all read. 

To Y/N, 

I hope you are in good health. 

I know you are on vacation but your duty to the Dregs calls Nina and you now immediately. You are needed for an urgent and important mission in Ketterdam. Your specific skillset is urgently needed for this job. The details are confidential and you will be briefed on it once you are here. You will get your cut once the job is over. Nina and you are to be in Ketterdam within a week. 

I know you would rather be lazing in Ravka but I am your employer. If you wish to not continue with this job and life, you can send me your resignation and your position within the Crows and Dregs will be terminated. 

Thank you, 

Kaz Brekker. 

“Alright, that’s it! I am going to Ketterdam to choke the air out of that canal rat’s lungs!” exclaimed Zoya coldly with fury and anger burning in her beautiful eyes. 

“I’m going to find Y/N.” mumbled Nikolai feeling absolutely outraged and furious at how Kaz Brekker treated you like you were some investment when you were more than that. 

He was going to kill Kaz Brekker with his bare hands the next time he saw him.

After searching the palace, Nikolai stepped into the library where you sought solace and comfort most of the time and heard sniffling and small crying sounds. His heart broke into a tiny million pieces at your pain as he closed the library door softly and took a few steps to find you when from behind a book shelf your voice echoed “OI, go away Nikolai! I don’t want to see you.”

Nikolai halted in surprise and amazement because he had not spotted you yet but you had recognized him as he called out “How do you know it’s me?”

“I know the sound of your footsteps.” you replied knowingly as you rubbed the tears that threatened to leak from your eyes at your heart clenching in hurt and misery because it was always Nikolai who cared about you so much and checked up on you to see if you were fine whereas Kaz broke your heart every chance you gave him. 

Nikolai smiled in amazement and astonishment because he was touched and surprised that you knew him so well and paid so much attention to the smallest of things about him as he called out kindly “Alright, now come out. You’ve been there ages.”

You snapped in exhaustion and pain because you just wanted to be alone “Just leave me alone!”

Nikolai followed the sound of your voice as he sat opposite of the shelf where you were sitting, his back facing yours as he let you be alone but he leaned his head back to the shelf as he said gently and sincerely after a long moment of silence as he listened to your quiet crying “Just try not to let him get to you.”

You laughed sarcastically as tears rolled down your cheeks as you snapped in frustration “Oh thanks for that. That’s brilliant advice. Really is! Absolutely brilliantly stupid!”

Nikolai sighed biting his tongue in frustration because he knew that today was a very emotional day for you full of reminders of the life you could have had and the life you had lost with your family and Kaz Brekker had just stoked your grief further as he stayed quiet for a few moments and then took a bold choice “I think your dad would be absolutely heartbroken to see you being hurt by Kaz Brekker over and over again when all he does is never see you for who you are... a wonderful, powerful, kind and strong woman. He’d protect you from him and tell you that Kaz isn’t the one for you.”

You felt acidic bitterness overwhelm your mouth as you spat out “What do you know of my father?”

“I know that he is the man who threatened your school teachers because they hurt you. Because they inflicted pain on you and made you cry. So I know that no matter what, he would want you to always be happy and loved.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely with no qualms about speaking his mind to you as you listened in awestruck and shocked silence at how Nikolai spoke to your very soul. 

You were quiet because you hated that Nikolai was right. But you had believed that Kaz would be better. You had believed that deep down Kaz Brekker truly loved you and hid it in fear of consequences. You believed that in time Kaz Brekker would come to understand his feelings for you and reciprocate the same intense and deep love you felt for him. You sobbed quietly, your hand covering your mouth at how stupid and naïve you had been. You had dreamed of a happy ending with the boy you loved so much but that boy never dreamed of you. Kaz Brekker never thought of you and dreamt of you, he never cared for you and today’s letter was proof that you were merely just an investment to him. You felt angry at yourself for loving him so much despite every desperate attempt to try to forget him and stop loving him. But even though you were miles away from Ketterdam, Kaz Brekker was still the one you loved despite your efforts to break free from him. It hurt you that you were so weak as to be tied in love with a bastard who didn’t even spare a thought for you and you wondered whether you’d ever get out of the darkness of this abyss. This feeling of addiction to an intoxicating drug that you knew was bad yet you couldn’t let go of yet. This feeling of breathing fresh air for a moment before being pulled down to the darkness of the freezing stormy water by the very man she loved. You were trying to leave him but it was just so hard. 

You felt so insignificant, completely useless and utterly humiliated by the very person you loved so deeply and who you thought cared for you more than an investment. 

But you were so wrong. 

As you muffled your quiet sobs, you felt Nikolai’s quiet and gentle presence on the other side of the bookshelf, keeping you company. You didn’t understand why he was doing this for you. Perhaps he saw a damsel in distress to rescue. Perhaps he pitied you. Perhaps he was just here providing you comfort and friendship because he was just that kind of good, kind - hearted and nice person. 

You heard rustling of paper and saw that a paper bird that had flown to your side of the shelf. You knew it was Nikolai as you sniffled and delicately opened the paper to see his lovely handwriting “So aside from taking my breath away, what do you do for a living?”

You couldn’t help but smile widely amidst your tears when another paper note in the shape of a butterfly slipped toward you and you picked it up as you read “I was wondering if you are here... who is running Heaven?”

You didn’t like pickup lines but you couldn’t help grinning like a fool as your tears began to dry and you shook your head in amusement and exasperation when another note folded in the shape of a pineapple was sent to you and you read it in anticipation “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine - apple.”

You couldn’t help it, an amused giggle escaped your lips at this terrible pickup line and Nikolai who heard it grinned in happiness and encouragement as he scribbled his next pickup line and folded it neatly in a shape of a flower as he slipped it toward you. 

You opened it with curiosity as your eyes skimmed over “I’d say Saints Bless You but it looks like they already did.”

You couldn’t help but throw your head back and laugh out loudly like a child and Nikolai grinned in pleasure and happiness at listening to your beautiful and wonderful laugh, glad he had cheered you up but he was adamant to work until the very end to see you happy as he wrote another note in the shape of an elephant that you read “I thought this was a library but this must be a museum because you are a masterpiece!” 

“Stop it! You are absolutely ridiculous!” you laughed in amusement and exasperation as you shook your head flustered as your cheeks flared with warmth while Nikolai grinned widely as he sent you another note shaped as a heart. 

“You must be hell of a thief because you managed to steal my heart from the moment I saw you.”

“If I stole your heart, you wouldn’t be breathing and alive, you absolute moron.” you retorted with an amused laugh, as your eyes twinkled in delight and happiness but your heart fluttered and skipped a few beats as you read those words over and over again. “And where on earth are you getting all these parchment from?”

You heard Nikolai laugh in amusement and delight as he scribbled something and you saw a note shaped like a swan that you unfolded as it read “There must be something wrong with my eyes... I can’t seem to take them off you.”

You blushed as you spluttered going red in the face as your heart fluttered with amazement and wonder at those words as you exclaimed “Are you drunk?”

Nikolai’s lips grew into a teasing and playful smile as he slipped another note in a shape of a flower that you unfolded “I’m not drunk. I’m utterly intoxicated by you.”

“You smooth motherfu -” you began in astonishment and exasperation as your lips tugged into an involuntary smile as you shook your head fondly “How many pickup lines do you even have?”

“Enough to make you smile for eternity.” replied Nikolai with a bright and gentle smile of his own, certainty and sincerity ringing through his voice. 

You smiled brightly, your heart lighter and happier than it had been as you crawled to Nikolai’s side of the shelf and sat next to him, the precious notes tucked safely in your pocket.  

You smiled softly and sweetly at Nikolai as you felt warmth and gratitude blossom in your heart for him as your breath caught in your throat “Thank you. You know, for making my life slightly less miserable.”

Nikolai smiled at you so sweetly and lovingly that you genuinely felt your heart stop beating as he whispered “To see you happy, I’d do anything.”

You smiled at Nikolai, your heart full of astonishment and wonder at how a person could be full of light and love and give it so unconditionally. You felt a hurt pang in your heart as you realized that you had such a deep bond with Kaz but it was all lies and broken promises used to stab at your deepest wounds and all the secret smiles you had shared with him had become cruel smirks and muffled sobs of pain. You suddenly felt the weight of fresh pain and heartbreak suffocating you as you remembered Kaz Brekker, the boy who had stood by you through thick and thin that now was the reason for you drowning in sorrow and heartache as he watched heartlessly and cruelly. 

Nikolai knew by your expression that you were thinking of Kaz as he whispered softly “Are you alright?”

“For so long, I hoped that Kaz would see me the way I see him and love me back. But I was foolish and misguided to let a thief and con artist trick me into believing that I could be loved. To hope that one day, things would be different.” you replied feeling disappointment and pain burn you fiercely and furiously as you realized how stupid and foolish you had been. 

“You know, someone who really wants you and cares about you, someone real... would never turn their back on a chance to get to know you.” said Nikolai softly and sincerely, his voice cracking slightly in heartbreak and pain seeing the darkness and self - loathing in your beautiful eyes as he placed his hand on your shoulder gently. 

“I don’t have anyone real in my life, Nikolai. I never will.” you replied bitterly and honestly as you felt the sharp arrows of pain and agony pierce you deeply as your eyes clouded with cold understanding and firm decisiveness “I fell in love once... I will never make that mistake again.”

Nikolai felt his heart shatter into pieces at your cold and cutting words that entirely broke his world. He had thought that in time you’d forget Kaz Brekker and hope for a new beginning in love but it seemed that Kaz Brekker had hardened and closed your soft and open heart for loving him. Nikolai felt utterly shocked and hurt as he looked into your eyes and saw that unwavering and firm decisiveness that meant every word you had said and realized that you would not change your mind about love ever again. You would not fall in love again and even if you did... you would never admit it. Nikolai wanted to murder Kaz Brekker for damaging you and making you believe that you deserved to be alone for the rest of your life. 

And though Nikolai knew that grief was hardening you and molding you into a girl who had no hope, Nikolai still offered you hope and sincerity as he blinked back his tears and placed a soft kiss on your cheek “It doesn’t mean you are alone. I’ll always be here for you, Y/N... I’ll always be whatever you need me to be.”

You felt warmth spread on your cheeks as the spot on your cheek tingled at the brief touch of Nikolai’s lips that lit a spark in your joyless heart as you looked at him in awe and affection “It doesn’t matter what I need you to be. You should always be unapologetically yourself... you... you are someone who should always be truly happy.”

Nikolai felt shy at how you were looking at him with such intense admiration and fond adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him, making a swarm of butterflies flutter within him as he felt himself lose his breath at how divine you were when you raised your eyebrows at him inquisitively “Were you going to ask me something?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Well... you furrowed your eyebrows a great deal this evening when conversing with me. You do that when you are thinking of something important to you and you want to say it but you are uncertain or afraid of the outcome.” you pointed out honestly and truthfully as you raised your eyebrows knowingly because you had observed the wonderful, amusing, quirky little mannerisms of the boy king who you had a soft spot in your heart for.

Nikolai was stunned at your astute and sharp observation and even more shocked that you had cared enough to observe and remember a little quirk and mannerism of his own that he didn’t realize himself as he replied shakily “I do?”

“Yes, you do. At first, when I first saw this, I thought of getting you a Healer because I was concerned that you were having a stroke.” you replied teasingly and playfully with an expression of amusement etched across your face. 

Nikolai scowled at you but his lips curved into an amused smile when you burst into delighted laughter and he shook his head at you in exasperation and affection and you looked at him curiously “So what’s on your mind, Nikolai?”

Nikolai had been thinking of asking you out but now he wasn’t so certain. Would you say yes? This was a bad idea. There were so many ways this could go wrong. You could slap him. You could leave Ravka. You could laugh at him and call him crazy. You could reject him and make him feel like an absolute fool for thinking that he stood a chance with you. 

To all the Saints and their mothers, he didn’t stand a chance with you! He knew that! And you weren’t interested in him, despite the strong bond that were developing between you two. You were simply unattainable. 

Anything worth doing starts as a bad idea.

“I - well, I know you are busy and you have so many important things to - but, I was thinking whether - like - I wanted to know if you would - um - what I mean to say -” began Nikolai stuttering nervously as the tips of his ears flushed red and the heat crept up his neck with shyness and embarrassment at how he was making such a simple task, a spectacular disaster and wished someone would kill him now and put him out of his misery. 

You raised your eyebrows in slight amusement and concern as you queried “Are you having a stroke?”

“More like a heart attack because of you, you oblivious beautiful wonderful girl!” thought Nikolai who was having a cardiac arrest, his heart beating at speed that was completely inhumane and he could feel himself sweating nervously and his head spin in dizzy admiration, hope and fear at the thought of asking you out. 

“WouldyouliketospendadaywithmeinRavkajustthetwoofus?” asked Nikolai immediately in one breath, his words sounding like messed up gibberish that could hardly be interpreted and understood. 

You raised your eyebrows quizzically trying to figure out what the hell had just come out of Nikolai’s mouth because it sounded like a very complicated made up word or a language that had just been invented as you replied firmly “That’s it. I’m worried about you. I’m going to get -”

“NO! I MEAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME AND SPEND A DAY WITH ME IN THE TOWN, JUST THE TWO OF US?” yelled Nikolai in a frenzied panic and fright as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could control himself because he wanted to seize this chance before it slipped away and you left him in a week. 

Nikolai suddenly realized that he had just yelled at you to accompany him and felt absolutely embarrassed and horrified at what he had just done as his eyes grew wide and he felt humiliated beyond belief wanting the floor to open up and just erase him out of existence.

His humiliation and embarrassment only grew when you laughed in amusement as he lowered his eyes in shame because your rejection hurt him deeply and bitterly when he heard you chuckle in amusement “Oh Saints! That’s what you were worried about this whole time? You could have just asked me, you know.”

Nikolai felt his world screech to a halt at her mind blowing response as he questioned his reality and met your kind eyes that twinkled with mischief as he rasped out hopefully “So... you’re not saying no?”

“You really are a complete idiot, Nikolai.” you replied honestly and truthfully as you rolled your eyes at him and placed your hand on his shoulder with a wide grin “Why would I say no? You’re my friend. It would be lovely to spend time with you.”

Nikolai’s overwhelming happiness was slightly spoiled by the pang of hurt and disappointment he felt when you called him just a friend. But Nikolai knew you were still healing from the bitter heartbreak you had suffered at the hands of Kaz and you needed time. Nikolai was fine with being your friend. He wanted to be more than that in his heart but he knew that it was too much of him to hope for you to love him back now. All he could do was get to know you, enjoy your company, cherish your friendship and try not to fall more in love with you.

How hard could it be?

But right now, it was very hard because you were absolutely stunning as he felt his heart shattering into pieces at the unintentional and unknown rejection from your side as he replied with a bright smile, trying to hide how sad he felt “Yeah. Friends. That’s right we are friends. Who aren’t definitely going on a date.”

“Yeah. After everything that’s happened with Kaz, and all the people I know who were friends but started dating and then broke up... it becomes messy.” you replied honestly finding it very easy to confide how you felt to Nikolai who had become your close friend “I have a rule now. I don’t date anyone I’m friends with.

Nikolai’s heart dropped in disappointment and ached with absolute pain and rejection as he realized that he was never going to have a chance with you as he struggled to find the words through the feeling of disbelief that he hid with a bright smile as he joked “Yeah, yeah, um - that’s funny because I have the same rule. No more friends. I’m completely into dating my enemies.”

“Yeah. And if you break up with them, you can always get your revenge on them and kill them.” you replied with an amused laugh but you felt that you had said something wrong because Nikolai’s smile wasn’t reaching his bright hazel eyes. 

Nikolai managed to laugh through the pain he felt as he retorted with a grin “Very violent but I agree. Nice and easy.”

The silence engulfed them and it felt awkward and tense between the both of you. The silence between you and Nikolai had never felt uncomfortable before and you racked your brain trying to think of what you might have said to make Nikolai upset. You shifted from one foot to another and Nikolai fiddled with his sleeve nervously refusing to meet your eyes and you felt absolutely hurt wondering how you could make the silence easy and companionable like it always was between the both of you. You felt uneasy at how Nikolai hid how upset he felt and wanted to see him genuinely smile. 

The words burst out of your mouth before you could stop yourself because you could not bear to see Nikolai upset “Hey, are you a vegetable?”

Nikolai looked at you in absolute confusion “What?”

“Because if you were a vegetable, you’d totally be a cute - cumber.” you answered easily with a wide and playful grin hoping that Nikolai would cheer up. 

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he processed what you had just said and pink dust scattered over his cheeks as he felt shy and laughed in amusement and understanding as he felt his his heart flip with adoration for you as he highfived you “Oh that’s good! You got back at me with the pick up lines! I didn’t know you had them up your sleeve.”

You laughed in joy as you smiled fondly at Nikolai as you realized that one day, he was going to love someone heart and soul and something within you ached bitterly at that thought feeling possessive of Nikolai as you smiled at how he talked enthusiastically, his eyes gleaming with bright light that only belonged to a million stars that burned in a far away galaxy.  

You wanted to sink into the darkness of your bitter disappointment and painful self - loathing but Nikolai Lantsov was the beautiful sun, the burning fireplace, the warmth that gave you hope and lifted your spirits up even in the darkest of times. 

You were losing faith in love but Nikolai Lantsov made you believe deep down that you still deserved to dream and love again.

And as you gazed at Nikolai’s kind and handsome face, it struck you that though you had lost your family and innocence, had blood on your hands that could never be washed off and had your heart broken and bruised, you had found a safe place that you could call a home with Nikolai Lantsov. 

And as Nikolai’s bright hazel eyes met your own and your hand slipped gently into his, you both realized that you both had been fighting memories all on your own and standing in the rain alone for too long as you clung onto your bruised hearts and broken homes but now after a long time, both of you had found someone who gave them hope and someone who they would stay for and love the most.

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[infin1ty-garden]

VALENTINE'S DAY

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ summary: headcanons of the shadow & bone characters on valentine's day ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ character(s): nikolai lantsov, tamar kit-bataar, tolya yul-bataar, genya safin and zoya nazyalensky ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ warnings: none ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ word count: 752 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ author note: NOT A MODERN AU! sorry some are a bit shorter

masterlist.

NIKOLAI LANTSOV

✦ He would overplan and over think every detail, he's worse than Genya

✦ Thoughts like "Which gift would you like better?" "An outdoor or indoor date?" "Maybe a date at the theatre?"

✦ He'd spent nights planning but nothing seemed right, Zoya knocked some sense into him. "I think they wouldn't mind all this expensive stuff, but you being there is enough"

✦ Would end up going simple, inviting you to dine with him

✦ The food would be some of the best you'd ever tasted

✦ After the dinner you would walk the gardens together, enjoying the fresh air when with his luck, he's being called back to the palace

✦ "May I have this dance," Nikolai intrigued by what your doing, takes you up on the offer

✦ The two of us danced until the meeting was on the back of his mind but eventually he had to leave but not without a kiss

TAMAR YUL BATAAR

✦ Tamar's mentality is more of "let's see what the day brings" but she does have some stuff planed

✦ The ship had docked in Novy Zem, a festival taking place near the docks. Tamar remembered you wanting to visit it

✦ The festival had carts lining the street with all kinds of delicacies from every corner of the world. Streets booming with colours. It was a beautiful site

✦ Tamar and you spent the day trying all kinds of food and just being around each other. She didn't mind spending all her money just for you to keep that lovely smile

✦ Then the both of you found yourselves in a local bar, singing songs you'd only learned the words to an hour ago

✦The day ended in a cot, somehow two people fitting in such a small space. You laying completely on her, sound asleep

TOLYA YUL BATAAR

✦ Tolya is the romantic out of the twins

✦ Still he would go simple being apart of Nikolai's crew means travelling a lot and that leaves out, a typical dinner date

✦ Living on a ship as well doesn't help. There aren't many places for a quite talk, let alone a date

✦ Instead he turns to what he knows best, poetry. He would spend days looking for the perfect book and then weeks annotating it. Underlining verses that reminds him of you or moments shared together

✦ He would invite you to the deck and by the time he did most of the crew were asleep. You thought he'd forgotten the holiday all together, you were wrong. He gave you a box of sweets he'd bought at the port in Novy Zem, along with the book

✦ You'd spent the rest of the night sharing the sweets and just enjoying each other's company

✦ When you finally had the chance to read the book, some of the poems described the stars lost in the night's sky, a sea of darkness, finding their true purpose upon the arrival of the moon. "You're my moon, the only purpose I need" (sorry it's cheesy)

GENYA SAFIN

✦ Genya would go above and beyond to make the perfect valentine's day date

✦ A picnic date if the weather calls for it with both of your favourite snacks, foods and deserts

✦ If it does end up raining a nice date indoors would be something she prefers over, a fancy dinner

✦ She doesn't mind dining in a expensive restaurant, but she thinks a more personal dinner at home, is better

✦ Genya would plan everything down to the last minute especially if it's your first valentine's day together

✦ She ended up getting her picnic date

✦ All kinds of foods were lined up in front of you as you enjoyed the sunny day and spending time with Genya

ZOYA NAZYALENSKY

✦ You would be the one planning the date and Zoya would act as if the holiday has little significance to her. You'd decided a date at a fancy restaurant was the way to go

✦ She'd loved it, the one you chose wasn't too crowded and the food was delicious. You'd talked about your future plans with one another, how your day had gone and so on

✦ After leaving the restaurant, the two of you headed somewhere a bit more reclusive to watch the fireworks

✦ Zoya too busy staring at the fireworks, didn't notice your hands putting something around her neck. Once she tore her eyes from the literal explosions of colour, she spotted a beautiful necklace. "Happy Valentine's day."

Thank you for reading!

[graycious-tea]

I finally finished shadow and bone and here are my thoughts so um.. spoilers for season 2 1) THAT ENDING OMG I LOVE IT!!!!! 2) WHY THE FUCK IS DAVID DEAD?!?!? THATS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN FOR ANOTHER 2 BOOKS! 3) WESPER FOR THE FUCKING WIN I LOVE THEM 4) the six of crows book plot opening!!! I’m so excited omg! 5) that sword side plot was fucking amazing like brilliant idea! 6) JESPERS MOM FUCK YA!! 7) “I will have you without armor kaz brekker or I will not have you at all”!!!!! 8) pekka Rollins take down was everything! 9) JORDIE!! I cried like a lot 10) the fact other saints are alive and existing 11) Jesper said five of crows I died 12) Mal and Inej are fucking privateering together!!! Fuck ya! 13) Tolya and Tamar I fucking adore the both of you so much! 14) the casting popping off again like Wylan my baby 15) Wylan and Jesper having met before and being a one night stand was something I didn’t know I needed 16) Jesper excepting his Grisha-ness (idk I’m going with it)!! 17) I had my doubts about Nikolai casting but it was perfect! 18) am I the only one that saw the gay tension between Nikolai and the soldier guy from his childhood?? Sorry I legit can’t remember his name but that death hit HARD 19) MAL IS NOW STRUMHOLD I CANNOT 20) Genya and Zoya my queens 21) Matthias… where do I even start with you, my wolf baby. I had a heart attack when I thought he was joining pekka but my poor boy had to fucking fight wolves like wtf 22) the episode intro scenes were my fav 23) the cross over was meh but this season made it one of my favorite aspects of the show 24) OH! THEY BROUGHT UP WYLANS DYSLEXIA! UGH THESE CHARACTERS ARE SO DIVERSE I LOVE EM! 25) Kaz’s trauma with physical touch hurt meeeeee 26) the mask scene/scheme/plan happened! It happened differently but it did happen! 27) Jesper “that’s my man! Wait we haven’t like actually talked labels” Fahey everyone 28) I know the darklings dead but can Ben be in the next season still??? Pls…? 29) if Wylan being a van eck is used as wesper relationship drama I might cry… pls don’t do the “you lied to me so we break up” trope I beg! I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS THIS SHOW IS JUST AMAZING 😭

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

Do you think the books could have had a Nikolina endgame ?

I don’t think it was possible in the sense that it was ever actually in the cards as a canon endgame. I feel pretty strongly that LB was decided on Malina from book one. And she’s said before that Nikolai was initially supposed to die in S&S, so he was only conceived of as a side character. Which makes it unlikely, in my opinion, that she ever sincerely considered him being elevated to an endgame love interest.

That being said, I think narratively, with all the existing scenes in the books, that it would have been really easy to have them be endgame. I say this obviously with some bias because while I heavily multiship, Nikolina is my favorite Alina ship. It is endgame in my heart and uh… in the show right now I guess! And while, of course, it is an entirely different ship and dynamic, the KoS duology, centering a Zoyalai endgame, with Zoya kind of awkwardly jammed into an Alina-esque role of grumpy rags to riches protagonist with suddenly discovered unique powers that have her lauded as a saint, does point to that being a solid conceptual trajectory?

Anyway yeah while I ship a lot of things, I don’t necessarily think they’re all narratively suited to being an endgame ship without major reworking of what canon is about. But I honestly think Nikolina would’ve been an improvement. Because on the one hand, the biggest issue with the R&R ending is Alina ending up exactly where she started, feeling like she’s being punished for attempting any growth at all. On the other, if the two major love interests represent “rule monstrously, give into power” vs “don’t rule at all, abandon everything and regress to the safe cage of your childhood” then Nikolai represents a good middle ground of “rule, but try your best; see what happens”

I like the way it would answer the question of the inherent corruptive quality of power, and the Darkling’s insistence that Alina will turn out just like him, almost with a question? Like Alina and Nikolai both have morally ambiguous sides, in the trilogy they’re both a little frightened by what they might be capable of in the name of the greater good.

The canon ending solves this by basically… removing the opportunity for corruption. This is true of Alina losing her powers and retreating to her childhood home, and honestly kind of true in KoS for Nikolai too where, firstly he seems to have completely lost any moral ambiguity whatsoever, but then he also abdicates the throne. And I don’t know I find that somewhat simplistic and boring! I enjoy the idealistic and hopeful but somewhat uneasy resolution of them both remaining in power, having decided to change things in Ravka for the better, and to maintain their morality basically through deliberate effort and compassion— with no firm guarantee that they will be successful on any of those counts.

I also just really enjoyed how they connected over shared trauma, and how they always got along and were fairly kind to each other? So an ending that focuses on them picking up the pieces together and being fairly uncertain about the future but willing to try their best, would’ve been very poignant and sweet to me!

[mrs-jamesbbarnes]

In regards to the ending of Shadow and Bone season 2. Did I like it? Absolutely not. Do I see what they’re trying do? Yeah. They combined two books into one season and added five extra characters to the story. Things just moved so fast, and the story could’ve been told a LOT better.

For instance, we did not get Alina’s struggle. I think the beauty of her story in the books came from her needing to defeat the Darkling without becoming the monster he was and wanted her to be. It was an intense and dark path she took. Ultimately, the third amplifier’s power is shared with everyone to destroy the Fold. But the fact that she had to get to that point where she was okay with dying and/or being completely overwhelmed by the power if it meant saving everyone was the whole point of her struggle. Her reward was Mal, settling down with him to live a peaceful life. And she was ready to be done, to give it all up and just rest with him.

The fact that they skipped ALL of that makes the story so unnecessarily complicated. Because now she’s not ready to rest, she wants to help the Grisha. And she’s got power. But she delved into merzost to save Mal, so now she’s given into this path of darkness. That’s something book!Alina NEVER would have done. Leigh spent three books showing that. So now she’s got that darkness in her. And we know Elizaveta is going to try to resurrect the Darkling because that bee landed on Zoya as the Darkling’s body burned. So season 3 is going to go off the rails.

Also the fact that Mal made this BIG DEAL to the Darkling about how he wasn’t going to make the mistake of leaving Alina again and then the Fold is gone and the Darkling is dead and now he’s just leaving Alina? That’s just poor writing.

I’m hoping Alina and Mal still get their happy ending. Because TV!Mal deserves it, if nothing else.

Also it really bothers me that they just pushed Zoya aside for Alina. They could’ve sent Alina and Mal off into the sunset and let the story take its course. But now Zoya is a side character because Alina is the focus. And that really bothers me that they’re going to start the King of Scars storyline and not give Zoya the attention she deserves. Because Alina needs to be gone for her to embrace her destiny. Otherwise it looks like she’s just Nikolai’s (and Ravka’s) second choice. They messed with Leigh’s beautifully crafted hero’s journey for Alina, and Zoya is going to get screwed over because they did that and I HATE THAT for Zoya.

[morallyambigous]

I feel like often times people completely miss the point of the darkling and just further prove pretty privilege. Like the whole point of his character is to critique the overused trope of the dark, brooding, “morally grey”, immortal love interest that too many romance books fall into. Like the whole point is that he’s attractive and charming and STILL IRREDEEMABLE AND EVIL. Almost everything he does and all the ways he connects with Alina is a manipulation tactic. His character also critiques and highlights how creepy the immortal love interest trope is, especially in YA romance novels, where the man is hundreds or thousands of years old and the girl is still a teenager. There is a reason they always go for teenagers who don’t know any better instead of an actual adult who’s at least on a somewhat similar plane of maturity as them, and that is because they are vulnerable and easy to manipulate and it is creepy. straight up. there is a reason that the darkling consistently surrounds himself with vulnerable teenager girls like alina, zoya, and genya. its because he knows what to say to manipulate them and use them for his own ends with literal regard for them as people. and people totally miss the point of his admittedly tragic past which is that you can have a sad upbringing and it still doesn’t excuse or make up for your own horrific actions. so yeah all jokes about turning to the dark side for ben barnes aside, if the darkling wasn’t hot people wouldn’t sympathise with him nearly as much and he does not deserve to be redeemed. literally a canon woman abuser. although his character and what he represents and what he critiques is very fascinating to me. anyway stan literally almost any other man in the grishaverse 

[stromuprisahat]

(I only read TGT once so if I get any details wrong here, feel free to correct me. Same for the historical reference I'm discussing here). I never understood why Nikolai was considered to be a better character than the Darkling when it came to helping the Grisha. I know Leigh Bardugo presents him as the "nicer" option but Nikolai always kind of reminded me of Tsar Nicholas II, who, from what I remember learning in school, was considered to be a nice man who clearly loved his children, but a rather incompetent ruler. He didn't always make good decisions which made relations with the government worse, and increased hardships for civilians and soldiers. He also was really detached and out of touch with the plight of the Russian people and I believe some of his policies ended up alienating people from ethnic minority groups. I brought him up, because Nikolai is also kind of like this, he's not an exact parallel obviously but like, it's kind of there. The only reason really that he's considered effective in the books is because Leigh can't really write politics that well. Like, even the way the nobility would behave is something she didn't really write well, as well as how the public would react to the things that happen in the story. Idk. Did this make any sense? What do you think?

Absolutely.

I can't speak about the historical Nikolai- I've read very little about him, and it's been years-, but while book!Nikolai's ideas aren't bad per se, he's been greatly helped by gross simplification of politics and LB's clear favour.

Nobles are either supportive, or stupid and gullible.

Inclusion of Grisha works 100%. Sure, the soldiers for Nikolai's elite inventors would he handpicked, but either there is no longer hatred for Grisha among the First Army, or the Tsar's too high to see it.

The only peasants we meet are enlightened enough to immediately understand and ADMIT they're faring better (Read the link. OP's no longer on tumblr, but her posts are based on actual Russian history and literature.), which is... well, have you ever MET any real people, Leigh? RoW was published during fucking covid of all possible times! Huge chunk of population will rather die, than accept the unknown!

Making Nikolai visibly think with his cock leads to no trouble. No one's calling him weak, no one suddenly remembers rumors about Grisha girls "being able to put a spell on a man", Zoya's desired and respected, instead of being viewed as seductress or outright Witch Whore.

And one more about Grisha- there have been pogroms barely a few years back. First Army was slaughtering Second only because they've figured they're to blame for the Fold moving (and don't forget the only survivors aside from Malina were the Darkling's people). Am I to believe a new Tsar ascending with THREE Grisha publicly backing him up won't cause decent upheaval?

Sure, Kolya's nice, but he's too nice. Somewhere on his way from Sturmhond to Tsar Nikolai, he forgot how to cut fingers even though it might make him sick. And the situation should look accordingly.

[witchthewriter]

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐢 𝐆𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐙𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐤'𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞 (𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

⤷ gender neutral, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!  

a/n: this is book Nina, but I’ll try not to have any spoilers. Also Nina IS SUPPOSED TO BE PLUS SIZED BUT I GUESS THAT WAS TOO DIFFICULT HUH.

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ    

SFW🌿

・You had met Nina when you were two young Grisha, brought to the Little Palace to train. 

・Her hot-headed nature always brought trouble, and you loved trouble. 

・Whenever there was a task the Darkling needed done, with force and intimidation, he sent you two. 

・Her nickname for you is ‘Sparkles’, and yours for her is ‘Heart-breaker’. 

・There was a time when you had a crush on Nina - I mean who wouldn’t? Her charm was irresistible. But that, mixed in with her heartrending abilities meant ... she was having you on. 

・You never were actually in love with her ... she only made you feel that way. 

・Which was quite cruel, but that’s the thing with being Nina Zenik’s best friend. She’ll push you and push you, to see if you’ll break. 

・Because she finds it hard to be close to someone. 

・But her little trick didn’t faze you. And with you being an Inferni ... well ... you set her favourite shoes on fire. 

・And she knew you were going to be best friends for life. 

・After that, you two were inseparable. Seeing the worst of the other meant there were no secrets - nothing to hide in hopes of being loved. 

・Where one went, the other was close behind. 

・If anyone gave you shit, Nina was there to set them straight (not that you needed the help, but it was nice to have someone there - who ALWAYS had your back.) 

・The Darkling always saw you two as a handful. But he knew better than to separate the Grisha. 

・And it was actually very rare to see two different Grisha be friends. Usually, Heartrenders stuck with each other, as did Inferni, Squallers, Healers and so on. 

・But when you two were younger, you had accidentally set Zoya’s hair on fire and she blasted you so harshly that you were unconscious for 10 minutes. Nina was the one to defend you (mostly because she thought Zoya was a pompous piece of work.) 

・You both enjoy waffles and have experimented with different recipes. Some range from bananas and oranges to beef and chicken. 

・There’s always witty banter between the two of you. Many people can’t keep up and some have asked if you rehearse the back and forth (of course you bloody don’t, you just wit!)

・Sharing clothes, especially if you’re plus-size yourself. 

・You would definitely be better at exams/tests than her. And she would often wing them, but in the end she would break down to you and cry:

    “Y/N, I just can’t do it. I get so nervous, and I don’t even know why! God this is shameful ...” 

・Being able to make each other laugh, even with just a look or facial expression 

・Saving the other ALL THE DAMN TIME 

・Being each other’s alibi 

𝑰𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒐 𝒃𝒚 𝒔𝒉𝒆/𝒉𝒆𝒓:

・You two definitely talk about periods and have definitely synched up 

・Sleeping in the same room all the time, and the other having to scurry back to their own room before classes start

・Helping each other bathe, especially when the other feels sad. May it be from missing family, to the tough life of a Grisha. 

・You have a lot of intimate moments - forehead kisses, holding each other close, cuddling etc. But it isn’t romantic. It’s companionship. 

𝑰𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒐 𝒃𝒚 𝒉𝒆/𝒉𝒊𝒎:

・Many have speculated that you two are together. But that can’t be farther from the truth. 

・You have a lot of love in your heart for Nina, but she’s your platonic soulmate

・Matthias would definitely get jealous of the relationship between you and Nina. And would often call you her boyfriend

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈: 

The House of the Rising Sun by Nina Simone

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔:

 ✧ Dumbass x Oh God I Guess That’s My Dumbass (whoever the dumbass is always varies)

 ✧ Troublemaker (You) x Tries Not To Be A Troublemaker But Likes To Cause Chaos (Nina)

 ✧ Emotionally Unstable (You) x Also Emotionally Unstable But Tries To Hide It (Nina)

[steponmeinejghafa]

First Bench Pt. 3

Summary: You and Zoya meet for tutoring, and another teacher throws you both together again.

First Part

Second Part

———————————————————————

Six p.m. You dreaded the hour as it crept closer. Naturally not wanting Zoya to one-up you, you had arrived ten minutes early. The only table which wasn’t occupied was in a dusty corner at the back of the library, and you’d taken out your heavily annotated textbook to read before she arrived.

Someone whacked you on the back of your head, and you instantly snapped back to elbow them in the ribs.

“Ow!” Zoya exclaimed with a scowl as she sat beside you. “You’re a little savage, aren’t you?”

You rolled your eyes, “Never do that again or I’ll personally make sure you can never walk again, Nazyalensky,”

“Whatever, Brekker,” she scoffed. “So, we’ll be covering math today thanks to your abysmal performance in the last few tests,”

“Don’t have to rub it in,” you grumbled.

She raised a brow and said cockily, “What, that I’m smarter than you?”

You clenched your fist underneath the table. She was getting on your nerves now.

“Did you come here to tutor me or to gloat?” You snarled, a frown scrunching your brows together.

You were adorable when you got riled up…

Zoya laughed cockily and shook her head, opening out her equally heavily annotated math book.

“Alright, Brekker, let me dumb it down for you…”

—Time Skip—

Kaz wasn’t getting any better, and the doctor was talking about another week of bed rest, since the fever your brother had gotten had made his leg worse.

“He says I have to use the cane more,” your brother confided that evening as you sat with him playing cards to keep him entertained.

You sighed softly and patted his hand lovingly. “It’s for your own good.”

“I know,” he scowled. “But come on. I’m in high school and I’m using a cane. Think of how I’ll be bullied.”

You shrugged, “I know a guy who can make it badass for you.”

His eyes lit up. “Really?”

You nodded and smiled. “Really.”

He gently punched your shoulder good-naturedly. “You’re a good sister, Y/n.”

“Okay, no need to bust out the compliments yet, little brother,” you scoffed with a laugh. “You’re not dying.”

“First of all, we’re twins and you’re like, twelve minutes older than me,” he rolled his eyes. “And way to ruin an emotional moment, dumbass.”

“I have the emotional capacity of a toothpick,” you admitted. “So expect nothing from me.”

As much as you hated to admit it, tutoring with Zoya was helping. You were slowly regaining your position at the top of the class, and, suspecting that Zoya might sabotage you in some way, you made sure to study extra after she’d leave the library for the evening so that you could get a head start.

Obviously you’d never tell her that it was helping. She’d never let you hear the end of it.

“Had fun struggling in the test?” She asked snidely, referring to the stack of test papers on the teacher’s desk.

“Had fun getting lesser marks than me?” You asked, picking up your own paper from the pile.

“Pardon me, but who’s the one getting tutored?” She smirked, holding up her history paper which bore the score 49/50 in bold red letters.

You laughed, mimicking her cocky tone as you showed your own paper, which had 50/50 written with red and a good remark from the teacher beside it. “Pardon me, but who’s the one getting a full score?”

“Fuck you, Brekker,” she grumbled, her ears burning with irritation as you went to sit with Jesper and Nina.

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky,” you cackled, fist-bumping your two best friends.

“You know, I’m sensing some sexual tension,” admitted Jesper, nodding at Zoya.

Nina chuckled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah. The flirting is a bit much, don’t you think?”

Your ears burned with a blush as you shook your head. “Absolutely not! She is a cocky, arrogant annoying, and irritatingly attractive girl.”

“Attractive, hm?” Nina raised a brow, resting her cheek on her fist as she looks at you with a knowing smirk on her face.

You flicked her forehead and clarified, “Irritatingly attractive. Like, have you seen her? All sharp jawline, full lips and dark eyes. No one so annoying should have such attractive features!”

Inej and Wylan came up to you thee as they overheard the conversation,

“Do you like her?” Wylan hinted with a smirk.

You grimaced and fake-gagged, shaking your head. “Ew, I would rather die!”

“Sometimes, I wish you would stop being so delusional,” Inej sighed. “It is painstakingly obvious.”

You grumbled and buried your blushing face in your hands. “I hate you all.”

Meanwhile, Zoya was chatting with her own friends, Alina and Genya.

“Who does she think she is?” She glared at you as you talked to your own friends.

Alina shrugged, “Personally, I think you’ve got a thing for her.”

“Agreed,” Genya giggled, sitting on the edge of the desk. “Like, all you ever talk about is ‘Oh, Brekker is this, Brekker is that,’ or ‘You won’t not believe what Brekker did!’

Zoya let out an incredulous snort. “Me! Like her? Brekker? Absolutely not. I would rather fail all subjects and die!”

“Why is that?” Alina smirked, having spotted the lie.

“Well, she’s annoying, ridiculously cocky, and infuriatingly cute!” Zoya scoffed. “Like, no one should have the right to have such a smile when they’re the literal embodiment of irritation!”

“I’m sensing sexual tension…” Genya said in a sing-song voice.

Zoya shoved the redhead gently off her desk and mumbled, “You’re both idiots.”

The teacher came in and called for decorum, so the class settled down at last.

“Alright,” she said with a sigh. “Exams are nearly over, so I should brief you on your latest project. This one is worth 20% of your annual grade, so make sure your report is well done. I will be assigning pairs.”

A collective groan went through the class, and Jesper whispered to Nina, “Thirty vlachki says Y/n’s gonna be with Zoya.”

“I say she’s with Alina,” Nina replied.

“You’re both idiots,” you scoffed.

“Alright, you will all have to make a comprehensive report on any one nation in particular, mapping out every last aspect of its history. Simple enough?” The teacher asked, and the class mumbled in agreement. “Good because either ways I do not give a single damn. This is due in the next one week.

“Now for the pairs, Nazyalensky and—er—girl Brekker,” Jesper nudged Nina with a grin as she said it. “Starkov and Oretsev, Zenik and Helvar, Fahey and Van Eck, Ghafa and—well—boy Brekker?”

“I suggest you go with first names, Miss,” you chuckled, making the class hum with agreement.

“Fine,” she agreed, starting over. “Zoya and Y/n, Alina and Malyen, Nina and Matthias, Jesper and Wylan, Inej and Kaz…”

“I have a feeling she ships everyone with each other,” Nina chuckled.

You sighed in irritation. Zoya Nazyalensky of all people was your partner. It was like the Saints were condemning you.

First you have to be tutored by her and now you have to work with her?

After class, Zoya caught you near the lockers and said, “So, we have to work together now.”

You grimaced, “Yes.”

She chuckled softly and poked you with her pencil. “I guess I’ll have to make sure it’s good work, since I’m better.”

“Says the one who got a 49.” You scoffed, catching her wrist sharply when she made a move to poke you again.

She wrestled her hand from your grip and caught your chin in her hand, pulling you close.

“Gloat about that again, I dare you,” she hissed in a tone so menacing, you actually figured the consequences would be bad.

You giggled, however. “Getting riled up because you know I’m better than you, Nazyalensky?”

Her grip loosened around your chin as she caught your collar in her fists, her dark eyes glaring fiercely into your e/c ones.

Saints, she had pretty eyes…

“Shut up, Brekker, or so help me, I will make you fail,” she seethed.

“And risk getting in the bad books of Reznik?” you laughed evilly. “We both know you could never.”

She let go of you and scowled. “Tonight, six p.m. Keep your material ready and do not be late.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure my work isn’t as mediocre as yours,” you shot back with a sweet smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Brekker.”

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky,” you chuckled and turned away, walking towards your friends who had somehow miraculously appeared there.

Jesper clapped you on the back and sing-songed, “Sexual tension…”

You gently elbowed him in the rubs and mumbled, “Shut up and go moon over Wylan, you dumbass.”

—Time Skip—

“Decided a country?” Zoya asked as she arrived at the library that evening.

You showed her your binder of resources as you said plainly, “We will do our project on Kerch.”

“Why Kerch, when Ravka has such a rich history?” She asked with a raised brow.

You grumbled and said, “Because Kerch is where we get everything from. We get our oil, our resources, our ships, our manual labour from there. Everything essential to run a country, Kerch provides.”

“I have to admit, Brekker,” she curled her bottom lip in approval, “I’m impressed.”

“As if your opinion means anything to me,” you kicked her under the table. However, some part inside you warmed up at her words.

Maybe it means something a little bit…

While you both discussed the topic, adding each other’s views and opinions while drafting, Zoya had to notice little things when you both would take long silences as a break.

She noticed the way you tugged at a stray lock of your hair, or how you began turning your wrists after a long round of writing.

Her favourite thing was when you’d spin your pen deftly between your fingers.

It had her mind going places it shouldn’t…

‘Stop it, Zoya,’ she thought to herself sternly. ‘You have to beat her, not stare at her fingers!’

Meanwhile, you noticed how she always furrowed her brows in concentration while she explained a topic to add in, or how she bit her lip if she was writing something down.

But, your personal favourite was when she’d make eye contact when you’d explain something, her head tilted slightly as she listened intently.

Insufferable as she was, she knew how to listen.

You leaned back in your chair and sighed loudly, rubbing your eyes tiredly. The clock had chimed ten p.m. it had been four hours of work, and both of you looked worse for wear. The table was piled with books, and you both had to scoot closer in order to work on the massive stack of pages which had the first draft of your report. Thirty two pages in four hours.

You wanted to collapse and fall asleep, but only after making fun of your partner.

However, you had to admit that Zoya with her wavy hair tied up in a messy knot atop her head, with a slightly sluggish smile of satisfaction on her face was…maybe a little bit cute.

“Take a break,” you said. “I need my opponent to be forever ready for battle, Nazyalensky,”

“You are insufferable, Brekker,” she rolled her eyes as she closed her eyes tiredly.

You chuckled and decided to draft a conclusion to the pair of yours’ messy notes.

Suddenly, you felt a bit of weight against your shoulder. You froze instantly, unsure of what to do.

It was Zoya, sleeping soundly, snoring a little with her arms crossed and her head against your shoulder.

The enmity against her within you made your skin bristle, and the urge to push her off you rise on your fingertips.

But something else, something a little stronger, pushed the feeling away and replaced it with the need to keep her peacefully asleep while you finished the work up for her.

You’d bully her about that later, obviously.

Zoya started awake twenty minutes later and immediately moved away from you, her cheeks burning red.

Did she really just fall asleep against your shoulder?

“Did I fall asleep?” She said, fixing her hair hastily, trying to regain composure.

You chuckled, “Looks like Sleeping Beauty’s finally awake.”

She kicked you under the table and replied sneakily, “Working with you is more tiring than working on a farm during harvest season.”

“Oh yes, because I’m such a slow worker that I made a draft conclusion for the report in twenty minutes?” You raised a brow, holding the paper out to her.

She snatched it from you with a side eye and pulled the pencil out from her hair, making her chocolate brown locks fall down her back in slightly tangled but otherwise captivating waves.

She checked over the page, making a few changes here and there before she placed the page down with the others, sighing deeply.

“Well,” she said, as if the words were a massive effort. “It’s not bad.”

“It’s our first draft, idiot,” you scoffed. “We have to work on it more, so don’t get too excited. I’m still waiting for a better response to my hard work.”

“You did a page in twenty minutes, that’s hardly anything,” she rolled her eyes.

You leaned closer and cupped a hand behind your ear, saying in a tone as though you were prompting her, “Oh, thank you so, so much, especially for letting me nap like the little baby I am while you did the work…”

“Thanks, Brekker,” she sighed. “You are insufferable.”

“I’m not usually insufferable, but you get so easily riled up it is hard not to be,” you giggled, packing up.

You both reached the steps outside the library. “Want me to walk you home so you don’t get lost, little baby Nazyalensky?” You jeered at her, leaning against the railing.

She rolled her eyes and placed her hand against where you were leaning, pinning you, somehow, against the railing, saying, “Don’t get too confident, Brekker. Take me on a date first.”

Butterflies erupted in your stomach, as your slightly shyer side threatened to come out.

What was it with her and pinning you against things this way? Did she know how it made you feel?

You made a face, praying the dim light masked your blush. “As if I would ever! No amount of money in the world could make me do that!”

You consciously avoided her gaze, afraid of the feeling in your stomach. It was a knot of heat which pulsed when she tried making eye contact with you.

Oh, but how enticing that offer was…

“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” she said, grasping your chin between her thumb and forefinger to keep you from looking away. Her dark eyes locked on yours magnetically, as you felt that foreign heat travel steadily lower. “So I expect you to be here at four p.m, got it?”

Saints, she looked good up close, too.

You laughed nervously, and moved such that you got slightly closer to her. Your gaze skirted to her lips unintentionally, and your body was practically immobilised in a gay panic.

But, when her breath hitched and her dominant demeanour faltered, you laughed and moved away, bowing mockingly.

“And that’s how you flirt, Nazyalensky,” you smirked, thankful to your ability to get easily flustered for once. “Getting a little too obsessed with me, I see.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “That’s called wishful thinking, Brekker. As as if I would ever be.”

You hummed. “Well, you’re too annoying to be my type. So, wishful thinking on your part, really.”

“I’m too annoying? Brekker, you make a bratty toddler look like an angel,” she laughed humourlessly.

“Whatever, good night, little baby Nazyalensky,” you sniggered, gently punching her shoulder.

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Brekker.”

Obviously, you gave her your standard reply.

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky!”

Zoya, as she walked away, mumbled to herself, “For now, dreams will have to suffice…”

———

WOW SO MANY UPDATES-

I hope you enjoyed this one <3 feel free to ask or request!

[zoyetagenda]

You Are My Mj

Zoyet (Zoya X Monet)

Pairing - monet de haan x zoya lott

Summary:

Zoya: Monet you are my MJ Monet: What is an MJ?

Warnings - none

Word count - 1,057

While in Dumbo Hall, Zoya found herself overcome with boredom. She couldn't help but wish she had remained at home, resisting Julien's persuasive efforts to join in for a "girls" night out. Standing at the bar, she impatiently awaited the drinks that Julien had insisted she orders, all the while observing Julien engrossed in a small photoshoot using Luna's phone working on her angles.

Amidst her anticipation, Monet entered the scene, and Zoya's heart seemed to momentarily cease its beat. A history between Zoya and Monet remained hidden from prying eyes, a secret romance growing since Friendsgiving's fateful night. When Zoya discovered the shocking revelation of Obie and Julien's affair. That same night she left her apartment to keep her distance from Julien and found herself at Dumbo Hall. As the pieces of her world unraveled, she found solace at the bar, where Monet, too sought refuge. With the allure of alcohol, they bonded over shared experiences of familial complexities. They ended the night in a hotel room where they let their inhibitions go and shared a night of passion. From that very night, an unforeseen connection had formed, leading to a series of secretive rendezvous for weeks.

Initially, their connection had been purely physical, devoid of emotional entanglements. However, time and proximity had conspired, causing Zoya's sentiments to shift. The very person who had once been her tormentor had unexpectedly become the object of her affection. Zoya wanted to tell her she was falling in love with her but knew confessing it to Monet would only push her away. Expressing emotions was something Monet consistently avoided, and she was aware that disclosing her love would likely follow the same pattern.

Monet had walked in with her latest hairstyle, vibrant red hair with bangs. From the very first moment, Zoya laid eyes on Monet, she believed that Monet was the most beautiful person she had ever seen. There was not a single day where Zoya didn't feel like Monet's beauty took her breath away. However, seeing Monet flaunt this new luminous appearance sparked something within her. The coloring of Monet's hair brought to mind characters like Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" and Mary Jane from her favorite comic book and superhero of Spider-Man.

As Zoya watched Monet approach, she offered Monet a drink. "I got this for you, knowing you'd show up," Zoya admitted, a slight smile on her lips.

Accepting the drink, Monet playfully remarked, "Stalking me now, are we lil Z?" Playing into the appearance of not being friends, and proceeded to savor her martini. Monet's gaze shifted towards Zoya, who found herself unable to look away. "What is it?" Monet asks, her irritation evident.

Drawing strength from her drink, Zoya mustered the words she could. Nervously, she muttered, "Monet, you're my MJ," finally allowing her feelings for Monet to see the light of day.

Monet appeared puzzled, prompting her to ask, "What is an 'MJ'?"

Zoya sighed and playfully rolled her eyes, realizing she shouldn't have anticipated Monet to grasp the comic book reference. "Forget it. Let's join Julien," she suggested, reaching for the remaining drinks from the bartender.

*****

At school, Monet claimed her usual spot at the table where she and her friends would gather. While she waited for them to arrive, she took a moment to respond to a "good morning" text from Zoya that she had inadvertently overlooked earlier in the day as she had been preoccupied with getting ready for school.

Following, Aki skated up to the same table and hopped off his skateboard before taking a seat. "Hey, Monet," he greeted, his attention immediately drawn to her vibrant red hair. A warm smile spread across his face. "I like your hair."

Monet offered a gracious nod in response. "Hey, Aki. Thanks. I wanted to try something new."

He nodded in understanding. "I get it," he remarked, gesturing towards his pink buzzcut. "Trying something new can be fun, and it suits you. Reminds me of MJ."

Monet couldn't help but roll her eyes, growing increasingly irritated by the recent déjà vu of that same comment Zoya had made. "What the hell is an 'MJ'?" she vented in frustration, causing Aki to look perplexed by her sudden annoyance.

"Mary Jane?" Aki offered with simplicity. "She's Spider-Man's girlfriend? She is the love of his life, his everything."

Monet was taken aback, a sudden realization dawning upon her as she grasped the analogy and the intent behind Zoya's words. Zoya, in her nerdy way, revealed her genuine emotions. Referring to Monet as her "MJ" was Zoya's clever way of confessing that Monet was the person she cherished most, the love of her life.

"I've got to find Zoya," Monet declared, swiftly rising from her seat at the table and scanning the surroundings. Observing Julien's presence at school, Monet guessed that Zoya must also be around. She walked over to Julien. "Have you seen Zoya?" she asked urgently, to which Julien shook her head, implying no. Monet then resumed her quest through the school premises.

Her eyes then caught sight of Zoya at a table on the far side of the courtyard, engrossed in a book and sitting alone. Monet's voice rang out across the open space as she shouted, "ZOYA!" Without hesitation, she rushed toward her, closing the distance between them.

A hint of fear appeared on Zoya's face as Monet approached. Her mind raced, thoughts spiraling with worries like, "Did we get caught?” “Is she about to break up with me?" "Is she here to criticize or humiliate me?" Zoya mustered her nerves and asked, "What is it, Monet?"

A smile began to grace Monet's lips as she looked at Zoya. "I want to be your MJ," she uttered. Zoya's face changed from nervousness to confusion as she responded, "You...wha-"

Monet's actions cut off Zoya's words as she softly cups her cheek. Leaning in, she pressed her lips against Zoya's in a tender, unabashed kiss that speaks volumes of their connection. No longer concerned about the observers around them.

Zoya is taken aback by Monet's bold move. However, she is pleasantly surprised and finds herself reciprocating the kiss.

Monet pulls back from the kiss, their eyes locking in a moment of pure bliss and realization.

Monet is Zoya's Mary Jane. She is the love of her life, her everything.

The End