#but it's nice some downtime before everything goes down

[lesbianoms]

Consider this:

A seemingly classic office rom-com but in a world with vore dynamics. One coworker that a bunch of others are fighting over, except they’re not necessarily interested in dating her so much as they are eating her.

The new girl who gets the job is straight out of a heteronormative dreamland. She’s naive and shy, but a hard worker who’s ultimately looking for love. She’s lasted this long in her career and she feels like it might finally be time to find a partner, and what better place to look than a heavily populated office building? She’s finally ready for romance!

Oh, and she also happens to be prey.

She shows up the first day and the office is ripe with hungry tension. All the other people there– the secretaries and receptionists, the men by the water cooler, and the women dressed in business suits or long skirts– they’re all staring at her, licking their lips idly. It’s like she’s a fresh piece of meat to them.

And then her heart just begins beating furiously as she realizes that the office is completely made up of predators.

But the new girl quickly puts up a front and smiles, eager to make a good first impression on her first day at work. Besides… she’s worried that they can smell her fear.

I like to imagine that the office is mostly female driven, so throughout the day the new girl is surrounded by hungry women who eye her up and down, wanting nothing more than to fill their bellies with her. Some of them might try to lull her into a false sense of security… maybe they compliment her on her fashion sense, or tell her how nice her perfume smells, or maybe a few of them invite her over into another room for some “girl talk.”

And maybe, just maybe, the new girl reluctantly accepts. After all, she does miss the downtime she had during her old job, the casual chats with her coworkers about life and men and the intricacies of doing your makeup right and all that other boring filler stuff. She convinces herself that she wouldn’t be that appetizing to them anyways.

And as she falls prey to her naïveté once more, she also falls prey to the women. They all jump on her and attack like the hungry preds they are, biting and licking her, tasting her, until one gets a steady hold of her, drags her possessively away from the group, and greedily swallows her down.

The new girl kicks and struggles in the pred’s gut, begging her to be let out and feeling her preyish fear kick into overdrive. The other women stare at their coworker in annoyance and jealousy, and she just grins, flashing her teeth and rubbing her swollen gut victoriously. Everybody else rolls their eyes and leaves. Oh well, maybe they’ll get lucky when the next meal comes along…

After work, the pred goes home, cradling her gut and cooing to the girl in her belly, telling her what a filling meal she made and how she actually lasted longer than most of the prey that worked in the office before her. She belches loudly, yawns, and makes her way upstairs, eager to sleep off her sweet little treat.

As the pred falls asleep the prey feels herself getting sluggish, losing the battle to the stomach acids. Her entire career, her search for love, her lifespan– all cut short by the churning walls of some hungry lady’s gut. Everything goes numb and dark…

And then, the new girl discovers something incredible about herself, something she’d never had any way of knowing before.

She can reform.

She wakes up in her own bed, eyes wide and staring at the ceiling. Everything feels too bright. It wasn’t possible, it just wasn’t; she’d just been digested, she should have been dead. And yet somehow, somehow she was still laying there, breathing and thinking and feeling like she’d always done every morning of her life. She was still living. She’d survived.

A confident, wide grin spreads across her face.

She shows up at work the next day, shocking everyone, especially the girls who’d fought over her the day prior. The pred that ate her actually becomes a bit pale and flustered. None of them have ever experienced a meal coming back to haunt them.

Throughout the rest of the series, the new girl flaunts herself to her coworkers, teasing them and offering herself up on a silver platter, only to slip away in the morning and leave their bellies emptier than she’d entered them. She builds up a reputation for being a fulfilling catch, too, squirming and writhing and stirring up a myriad of wonderful feelings in the pred’s body. Some of them are even encapsulated by her as a person, rather than a meal. There are office bets started up, debating who’s stomach she enjoys being in the most. The female pred from before finds herself fantasizing about being asked on a dinner date by the prey.

She actually grows to become a somewhat respected member of the company, spending her days heading boardroom meetings and her nights gurgling away in the depths of some lucky colleague’s belly.

Ultimately, she ends up leaving the office a better place than she found it. Her preyish nature makes a lot of the preds more opened-minded, and maybe they start hiring other prey around the office without any ulterior motives. Maybe some of them start holding memorial services for the prey coworkers that they’d eaten in the past. Collaboration reaches an all time high as preds realize they don’t need to be competitive anymore.

Sure, the work environment can be a little tense at times. The “new girl” is still prey, after all, surrounded by an office of hungry preds. That will never change. But this time around, she wouldn’t have it any other way.

[gothcryptid-art]

simon 'ghost' riley x reader headcanons

fully gender neutral + no descriptors because ghost is for the people. implied that reader is military tho. all lowercase bc im cool. wacky ass writing. no other warnings besides ghost being a deeply insecure individual

(literally just writing this bc i have the brainrot so bad i spent 95 hard earned canadian dollars on this stupid game im not even good at it its amazing i love it anyways enjoy u filthy animals)

- he's a dog guy. he secretly wishes he couldve had a stabler life so maybe he could have one or two. If you have a dog, he is ALL over it. will buy treats, toys, enrichment, literally anything and everything. he just wants to spoil the lil baby

- absolutely does not know how to cook, he can only use a microwave smh. if you can cook for him tho, he will absolutely get all heart eyed kickin his feet under ur dinner table twirling his hair round his finger he is in LOVE

- THAT BEING SAID!!!! he makes a bangin cup of tea. his fav is earl grey and he loves a good london fog, but with his line of work he just doesnt have the time. thats why every time he actually goes home, the first thing he does is make a proper cuppa.

- it's very difficult for him to trust anybody, much less fall in love, so when he falls he falls HARD. he'll go out of his way to do nice things for you. if you're out on a mission together and have some downtime he'll just grab your knives and sharpen them for you. He's already doing his own, why not yours too? He lovesss doing small acts like that for u. he knows a little kindness can go a long way.

- the same goes the other way around, if you do literally anything for him the man is SWOONING. he's about to head out but can't find something, and u pop outta nowhere to place it in his hands with a kiss on the cheek of his mask? he's planning a proposal as soon as hes out the door. he loves u. amazing.

- he knows he's a good looking guy, but before he shows you his face he's super scared about you not liking how he looks. He worries that he isn't your 'type' and once you see his face you'll get bored of him and move on to someone more entertaining like Soap or Alejandro

- He's not great at verbalizing his emotions, and tends to bottle things up. if he does it for long enough he'll get way too in his head and he'll start distancing himself from u (unintentionally). one day it gets to be too much and u just sit him down and make him tell u whats up

- he's just. not good at talking abt his feelings. his sentences have super long pauses where he overthinks everything he's saying. he's trying not to hurt your feelings if it's something relating to you, but sometimes that means he wont tell u the whole truth. but hes trying ok? he WANTS to communicate with you, he's just gotta learn how essentially from scratch.

- but man if ur able to break down his walls a little, and he can tell that you see him as a person and not just some mysterious puzzle to solve, he will go to the ends of the earth for u.

- he will devote a lot of his downtime to just being around you. he just likes your presence, hes the type of guy to want to sit in a room together and do your own things. he'll post up at a desk and look over the next mission's paperwork while you chill in a corner with a hobby of yours

if u made it this far hell yeah i hope u enjoyed, this is absolutely just self indulgent but i figured the world must be blessed as well. have a good one yall

[try-set-me-on-fire]

If you’re still taking soft prompts - can I request buddie in the bathtub? 🧡🧡🧡

I’ll count this under “long showers” because i do love to check off a to do list. Send me soft prompts! Find the finished ones on ao3!

It isn’t long into this apocalyptic fire season when they decide to take opposite shifts. It’s awful, being out here in the hills working himself to the bone without Buck at his side, and even worse when Buck is the one at the front line and Eddie is sitting at home and helpless to do anything if something goes wrong. It’s October, though, and the city has been staring up at flames on the horizon on and off since August, the sky a choking reddish gray, and after the first evacuation order for their neighborhood went out when they were both in turnouts up in Malibu beating back the other edge of the 200 acre blaze and they’d had to talk Carla through what to pack and where to find important documents over a call turned staticky by phone lines overtaxed by the scared and desperate, they’d decided that Christopher should have one of his parents with him whenever possible. So it’s been Buck for the last 30 hours that should have been 24 but replacements were held up in some other hellish pocket of usually picturesque landscape, stranding Eddie, and some members of the 133 and many people he’s never met before who aren’t even from LA, up near the Getty Villa. He’d been there just last spring, a field trip with Chris. The gardens had been nice.

Finally, finally he’s headed home. They’re back in the house again, for the third time. The fire itself had never actually gotten close, but they’d always returned to ash caked thick over the building, working its way through any crack in the house to coat their things in fine toxic dust. They’d spent their last overlapping downtime cleaning together, Chris still at Maddie’s place a little further out of the danger zone, washing everything that could be washed in water they’d been warned not to drink. That had been a full week ago. Eddie hadn’t seen his husband for more than a quick kiss hello-goodbye since, and he’s uselessly mad that the 24 hours they were supposed to have together before Buck heads out has been cut down to something more like 15 with travel time, and that he’s so exhausted he knows he’s going to sleep through most of it. He can hear Buck in the kitchen when he gets through the door and then slumps back against it, kicking off his shoes. It’s late, near one AM, so Chris is probably asleep even at the terribly old age of 14 where official bedtimes are mostly a thing of the past. Eddie can smell food of some sort. If he can just make himself walk a few more feet he’ll have a hot meal and loving arms around him. He takes a deep breath, head tilted against the door, eyes closed, trying to summon some impossible reserve of energy.

Buck, of course, comes to him.

“Hey,” he hears, soft and familiar, a moment before warm hands slide up his chest and rest on his shoulders. Eddie opens his eyes so he can just see Buck for a second before he folds forward into his arms.

“Hey, you,” he breathes into Buck’s clean shirt. Buck just hums, and kisses the side of his head. Eddie should tell him not to, he’s still filthy, but it just makes him relax further into his hold.

“You want food or a shower first?”

“Oh god,” Eddie lolls his head back to squint at him. “Dunno if I can stay upright long enough for either.”

Buck grins just a little, one half of his mouth, an eyebrow raised, and points a finger in the air. “I have a two part solution to this.”

Eddie laughs through his nose. “Please, enlighten me.”

Buck takes his hand, pulling him along to their bathroom and propping him up against that door instead, making a show of it and drawing more quieter laughter out of Eddie. “Wait just a second,” he says, kissing his cheek and darting back out to the kitchen and returning in record time with a still warm quesadilla on a paper plate. It’s cut into sixths and Eddie gratefully stuffs a triangle into his mouth as Buck moves around the room. He zones out a little, blinking when Buck appears in front of him again some amount of minutes later. He’s cleared the plate without even noticing, and Buck takes it from him and sets it on the counter.

“Figured it’d be good to make an easily eatable food. No utensils needed! All self-contained!” Buck smiles wide and pleased with himself and Eddie smiles back, and pulls him in for a clumsy little kiss.

“Good step one,” Eddie concedes, still sort of pressed against his lips. “What’s next?”

Buck gestures at the tub, now full of steaming water. “So you don’t have to stand up.”

Eddie could blame the fact that he tears up on how tired he is, but he gets blindsided by Buck’s gentle care often enough when he’s completely awake to know it would be a flimsy excuse. He tugs on him again, kissing him steadily, one hand coming up to hold his face as he tries to start undressing with the other. Buck huffs a little against his mouth, and joins his own hands in the effort, getting Eddie’s pants and underwear off, kissing him a little harder before they have to part to rid him of his shirt. Eddie leans in again, but Buck dodges.

“C’mon, get in.”

Eddie tries to pout at him, but it’s ruined by the adoration writ in every feature. Buck holds his elbow to steady him as he steps over the edge of the tub, provides strength to lean on as he lowers himself into the water. He groans a little as he’s submerged, the almost too hot water eating away at the aches in his muscles. Buck grabs his body wash as Eddie settles back against the edge of the tub, and lathers up a washcloth.

“Is it ok to even do this? Water advisory is still on.” Eddie mumbles as Buck starts carefully cleaning away dirt and soot.

“Just don’t swallow,” Buck says, voice shaped around a laugh that Eddie lets out. He taps on Eddie’s shoulder so he leans forward, and Buck scrubs at his neck and shoulders, taking his time over the left one. Eddie had stumbled up on a slope somewhere in the early morning dark towards the beginning of his shift, and he hadn’t had the time to check but he was pretty sure he’d gotten scratched up back there. Eddie watches Buck’s face. He looks concerned, but only gently, so it must not be too bad. Buck kisses the area when he’s done, and then hands Eddie the cloth to get at the submerged parts of himself as Buck grabs the shampoo. Eddie cleans himself quickly, and he can tell Buck wants to take the cloth back and make more careful work of it, but Eddie plugs his nose and dunks his head underwater before he can say anything. He wipes water away from his face when he reemerges, then leans over and leaves a wet handprint on Buck’s shirt as he goes for another kiss.

“Please,” Eddie says, nodding at the shampoo.

Eddie is not a man used to being taken care of- not in an intimate, physical way. The 118, and Frank, and even his family, have dragged him into accepting care and support from those around him, but relaxing enough to let another human being touch him, surrendering control, letting someone else do the work of maintaining his body is something that took him a long time to admit he wanted. Buck has always been good at finding ways to burrow past any wall Eddie constructs, however, and it had only taken three showers together after they’d started dating to discover how much they both enjoy it when Buck washes Eddie’s hair. Buck just likes touching him in general, in any way, as much as he can, and Eddie had been glad to overcome shyness and indulge him in the impulse.

Buck glides foamy fingers through his hair, combing out tangles and dirt as he goes. He works so slowly, paying absolute attention to the task at hand. His fingers against Eddie’s scalp makes the aches and fear of the day (the week, the last several months) melt away into the bath water. He relaxes utterly into his husband’s hands, very nearly lulling into sleep and not even worrying much about it. He knows Buck will keep him above water.

“Hold your breath,” Buck quietly instructs, and then there are rivers of water flowing over his scalp and face, again and again until he’s clean. He opens his eyes when it’s over, and Buck has his chin propped on his arm resting on the edge of the tub, just watching him. He smiles when they make eye contact.

“Hey,” Eddie whispers.

“Hey, you,” Buck says, tilting his head. He’s beautiful. He’s kneeling on the tile floor and his shirt is soaked and filthy and it’s probably closer to two now, judging by how tepid the water’s become, and it’s felt like the end of the world since August and probably since a long time before that, and here they are in it together, and Buck is beautiful. Eddie reaches out to touch his cheek.

“Conditioner?”

Eddie thinks about it as his fingers explore his nose, trace his birthmark for the thousandth time, but he shakes his head. The water is cold. “I want to go to bed.”

“Ok,” Buck says, turning his head quick to kiss Eddie’s fingers before getting up to grab a towel as Eddie pulls the drain. Buck gracefully ignores the ache-y noises Eddie makes as he stands, wrapping him up and leaving to grab clothes. He gives himself a onceover in the foggy mirror as he brushes his teeth. He’s looked worse, but he’s looked better. Buck comes in with sweatpants and an old Buckley LAFD shirt that’s permanently migrated to Eddie’s side of the dresser.

“You should probably change, yourself,” Eddie waves at the run off filth down Buck’s front. “Sorry.”

Buck shakes his head. “Probably should have stripped too,” he says, tossing in a wink because the sentence calls for it, heading back out for his own change of clothes.

Eddie follows, and then walks on tender feet further down the hall, opening Chris’s door as quietly as he can. His calm breathing competes for noise over the air purifier a few feet from his bed. There’s a book on his bedside table, and his DS on top of that, and the dinosaur stuffed animal Buck had got him at the natural history museum years ago that had lived on a shelf for a long time when he’d outgrown it is back on the bed beside him. He’s not as sound a sleeper as he was when he was a child, and Eddie can’t go to his side and press a kiss into his curls without waking him up, and they could all use any rest they can find, so he stays in the doorway and just watches until Buck comes to find him.

“He’s alright,” Buck whispers. “You know how brave he is.” He looks as haunted by the words as Eddie feels.

“Yeah,” he breathes, taking one last look. “I know.”

They walk back down the hall hand in hand, and Buck lets Eddie lead him to one side of the bed, laughing as Eddie pulls him down on top of him. With just a little bit of wiggling they’re able to get situated under the covers, Buck draped over his chest in the way he insists is comfortable and Eddie can never figure out how he manages without his neck getting stiff. He’ll never tell him to stop, though. Laying there with the weight of Buck over his heart is the safest place in the world, and always draws him immediately towards sleep. Eddie manages to resist the pull long enough to glance at the clock. 2:15. Buck has to leave at noon. He sighs and wraps his arms around him, and Buck burrows impossibly closer. For now. They have right now.

[1-800-local-slut]

how do you think dean and his goth gf spend their no case days? Are they messing with sam and cass, going to a club or just chilling in their motel room?

I'm sorry this took so long bae but I'm back pookie <3

Dean Winchester x black! fem! goth! Reader

Warnings: none, soft Dean Winchester, mention of death but nothing severe

Thank you for reading!

When Dean and his gf get time to themselves, it's spent in the sheets

Plain and simple lol

On a serious note, a lot of time is spent comforting each other

Dean has a lot of days where he comes pretty damn close to not coming home

Reader has to spend a lot of days wondering if she'll ever see him again

When he comes back and sees her he melts into her

She'll hold him and shower him with kisses

Or he'll stroke her bonnet and plant kisses on her forehead

On a not serious note, when they have downtime between cases they just do whatever

They'll summon Cas just for and then pretend they didn't summon him at all

They'll eat Sam's food and leave the box in the fridge just to bother him

Or they'll literally just go bother him

A lot of times they'll be taking drives in baby to go get food (that she pays for because she's the only one with a job and actual residence, and way to buy things that isn't illegal)

Always drives at night though

Dean knows it isn't safe but it's so peaceful

And he knows he can protect his lady from anything that runs up on them

She loves the night and he loves seeing how peaceful she looks under the night sky

She likes how peaceful he looks while driving in the night

Sometimes they just wanna stay home though

Like all couples, some times they guys want space from one another

She'll sit somewhere in the house, either in her garden or somewhere else

He'll be having a beer and working on baby or entertaining himself some other way

One of them will go seek the other out, and if it's her then he'll casually raise an arm to take her under it and hold her close

If it's him who goes to find her, then there's a few things he might do

1. He'll come sit next to her if there's a seat and wrap his arms around her waist and rest his head on her hip if she's standing

2. He'll come up behind her and wrap his arms around her hips, and press a kiss to her head and rest his cheek on her head

3. If she's sitting down he'll come rest his head on her lap or he'll come lay down on his back and rest his head on her lap

They'll watch so much TV that they meld to the couch

Sometimes she'll try on cute outfits for him, or she'll pick out matching outfits for the both of them for random events

No matter what it is their guys are doing; fighting for their lives, walking, in the bathroom at the same time, cooking, or anything else Dean wants to be touching her

He wants to feel the different fabrics of her dark clothing and feel the cold silver of her different necklaces

One time, she won a game of cards by some miracle and smugly announced that she won their bet

The bet being she would do his makeup

She put him in some nice lashes, put one of her silky black bonnets on him, gave him some blush, and did a nice lil lip liner and gloss combo on him

He looked so cute and Sam caught him in the kitchen looking like that. There was a brief moment of silence and then Dean just dryly chuckled and tried to come up with a witty remark before he scampered off

He devours her cooking, basically inhales it

The first time she cooked him some soul food, he almost died of joy

He thinks it tastes better because of how much he loves and adores her

If their preparing to leave for a case, she'll pre-cook his and Sam's meals, she'll make sure his bags are properly packed

It's how she shows she loves him, by doing everything in her power to make sure him and his brother come home

She'll make him his coffee before he leaves

All in all, Dean's time with his girlfriend is one of the time best spent for him and she loves how much

[swirlysmile]

if you want to write it, i'd like to request a one shot where the crew goes to an amusement park and there's a lot of flirt and competitions between hangman and the reader🌻

i do want to write this! so cute

word count: 725

warnings; none?

Amused

The best part about traveling so often for work were the sights you got to see, whether that be natural or developed. You get downtime in the Navy, of course, so when you’re docked in a cute little port side town, you go exploring. 

Today, Bob managed to find an amusement park. It really wasn’t hard though, seeing as the first thing that comes into view when you step onto the dock is the ferris wheel.

“You’ve outdone yourself this time, Floyd.” Phoenix grins, patting him on the back. Admission is pretty cheap, and it looks like a nice place to kill time for a few hours.

There’s plenty of roller coasters, and those little stand games that are most definitely a scam. They advertise the big stuffed animals, the ones that are hard to win. 

“Hey, look! I bet Bob could ride that without pissing himself,” Hangman says, pointing to one of the small little kid coasters, the ones that just go in circles. 

If you had looked at this group, you wouldn’t have expected them to be renowned naval aviators, much less functioning adults. 

Rooster is pointing at all of the candy stands trying to convince Fanboy that he needs some, Payback and Phoenix are looking at the map to figure out where to go first, and Hangman and Bob are bickering. You’re off to the side, with Halo, observing all of this and taking everything in.

There’s a lot of loud and small children. 

“Alright, we’re going here first!” Payback announces, pointing to a spot on the map. 

“Do we really have to stick together?” Fanboy asks. He receives a lot of yes’s in reply. 

To say you’re having the time of your life is an understatement. 

Being a pilot, heights and big drops don’t really scare you. The planes you fly are far more dangerous than these measly little roller coasters, so instead of fear you feel adrenaline.

Phoenix and Payback expertly guide you through the park, so you hit everything. 

“Everything worth exploring, anyways.” said Phoenix when Hangman questioned their plans.

Rooster volunteered you to sit next to Hangman for a good majority of the rides, and if you didn’t love Bradley so much, completely platonically, you would have socked him in the nose. 

“Hey, what if we tried to get Mav one of those dumb looking stuffed animals,” Hangman suggests.

“That’s gonna take, like, all our money.” 

He just grins at your very real concern. “I’ve got a credit card and a dream, sweets.”

“I bet I can get it for less money than you can,” You say, and sure, maybe that wasn’t the best idea financially, but it’d be pretty rewarding if you did beat Hangman.

So, you wind up competing against him. He chose the game, claiming it’s because you challenged him and it’s only fair. You’re trying to knock over milk jugs with a ball, in some tower formation, in two throws or less. Then, you get the smallest prize. 

Of course that leaves you with three more games. You trade in the smallest prize, win again, and get the medium. Then, trade in the medium, win again, and get the largest one. Whoever gets the largest prize first wins.

“Hope you can catch up soon, sugar.” He says, holding up the smallest prize, and you grit your teeth just a bit. The pet names always get on your nerves, and he knows it. 

It only fuels your need to win, so you knock down the jugs almost immediately and pull out your wallet. God this is an expensive escapade you think. You’re already drained, maybe, 20 bucks from this thing. 

The final stretch, the last tower of milk jugs before you win, before you can boast your victory to everyone.

Unfortunately, Hangman is approaching a win too. 

So, you make your best effort to beat him, and fail. 

“The medium prize is cuter anyways, and I don’t have to give it to Mav.” 

“I still won,”

“In terms of competition, yes. In terms of life? No.” 

He groans and lightly punches your arm. “Maverick is going to love this ugly giant fish thing!” 

“I think it’s a bird.” Rooster says, prompting everyone to tilt their heads. 

“Definitely a bird, buddy boy.” 

Hangman didn’t expect to find the medium prize outside his door the next morning.

[stitchthesewords]

So I don't currently have the mental capacity to properly write anything for that apocalypse idea but I do have more thoughts for it so just. Uh. Here.

They all live inside a walled or fenced in area together collectively - Their homes start out simple and their space starts out small. It's not that they can't get creative with it but that they don't have the resources. With the mobs laying siege to them and half of them being injured, shelter in more important than aesthetic. But, you know, an apocalypse doesn't only last for a few months and eventually with all their new skills and friends they outgrow what are essentially little huts - and they know so much more. They have a library of information and people who were actually architects and engineers and - well- people have built really nice houses WITHOUT fancy architecture degrees for millennia. So they start expanding, pushing out into the forest and clearing they call home, making paddocks for their animals and big warm houses for all the couples that were together before or are together now. And, well, this kind of is their job now so they take their time. Little intricate details that dont provide anything but happiness. Handpainted murals. Designing rooms to justify 'finally making that quilt' or 'well, you know, I've always wanted a really big window for reading...' Little signs of who lives where, design elements that are only there for the happiness of the residents.

And I'm trying to thinking based on like, s9 right, who would do what. Beef would definitely be involved with the animals - he's incredibly good at wrestling the sheep for shearing and the cows don't frighten him and he finds he likes the chickens - Bdubs and Scar take on building design and building and its an interesting learning experience for both of them because Scar goes from cane user to wheelchair user and everything in between but he insists on helping build. Its a little challenge to figure out what he can help with on bads days and also convincing him to take a break because 'well today is a good day and if i don't finish it NOW I might not be able to do it tomorrow' and his friends having to learn the difference between being pushy and babying him versus like, knowing HE'S pushing himself and needs to take a break. Ren resource gathers - he learns to cultivate trees and plant them because, well they can't just infinitely cut down the forest. Cleo and Joe learn to process their animal products and make things with them - wool into felt and thread, leather into bags, rescuing things from what people elft behind and tailoring them.

And like in that time, they discover you actually have a lot of downtime when you don't have capitalism staring down your back. They start making games, building and making things just for the love of it - experimenting with redstone, learning each other's skills, picking up hobbies they wouldn't have tried before.

Also i'm thinking like - Cleo, Doc, Tango - all the monster hybrids. I think Tango maybe isnt a hybrid to start out with but in their downtime, in their learning semi-lost knowledge, they discover how to open portals to the nether and - well, something happens to Tango in the nether. I don't know...how yet and I don't really have the brainpower to think on it, but. He becomes a blaze hybrid. I don't think its like a blaze bites him, I think its more like. Some low lying barely there magic thing. Whereas Cleo - Cleo maybe starts out human but they get bit by a Zombie when they're trying to defend their home because no matter how much Etho plays up how scary they are, they never got good with a weapon and well. And they fall sick, and their skin starts to mottle, but they never...die. They pull through. But something has inherently changed. They lived wrong - and its a heavy moment to realize they lived but they're...different. Rotting. Needs raw meat or else they start feeling sick. And there's never a moment where any of them even consider killing them or putting them out of their 'misery' - it was only ever about 'how do we adapt to this, what can we do to help'. Doc is the only one I truly have no idea on but I do want my creeper hybrid man somehow. Hm.

Anyway - yeah. Just. Learning new skills and utilizing old ones in order to make a safe haven for themselves and others in the middle of an apocalypse. I don't think they all knew each other beforehand but I think they come together as the apocalypse is happening because like the more people in an area, the more mobs - so large cities would clear out but larger groups would honestly be okay but being alone would be worse than being together and just. dlfkshfdg

[terry-perry]

Leave Me in the Gloom

Pairing: Jack Barnes x Natalie Rogers

Characters: Natalie Rogers, Odinsdottir!Reader, Jack Barnes, Marcy Spector (mentioned)

It had been about a month since their mission. Everything seemed to have returned to normal. Everyone was back to their regular routines, for the most part. One thing Nat noticed, however, was everything she realized afterward.

She and Jack had been close since they were in diapers, but getting older, they started to spend less time together. In high school, they formed different interests and had different experiences. With Nat gravitating towards the other theatre and art kids while Jack would rather spend time with his band and other metalheads, they weren't as close as they once were.

She didn't realize how much she missed him until they joined the Avengers. They partnered up for plenty of missions, spent time discussing ideas, and would catch up by talking about what goes on during their downtime. They even took the time to understand each other's interests and appreciate the skills they each had. It still brought a smile to her face whenever she remembered the way he praised her for the way she designed her stealth suit and even asked her if she could do one for him. And then there was that other time she went to go see him play.

It was all just like old times.

Then when Jack almost died, she realized some more things. These were things she had pushed down for a while but they were pulled back up upon seeing him covered in blood and with broken bones. When fixing him up with her healing magic, she just kept telling herself she was being a good teammate. She would've done this for anyone.

She wasn't the one staying at the hospital while he fully recovered. Marcy was the one doing that since she was Jack's girlfriend. So whatever these emotions were that she was struggling with, she needed to do whatever she could to get them under control. Because as much as she cared about Jack, she also really liked Marcy. She too was a good teammate and friend who was there for Nat during certain situations.

So Nat decided to keep her distance after hearing from Bucky that Jack was doing okay. She even went so far as to travel all the way to New Asgard to visit her parents and A.J. She was determined to do everything she could to make sure that she was spending quality time with them and clear her head. She wondered if Bucky told them about what happened and if they connected it to her visit. Regardless, they never bothered her about the reason she was there and just thought it was a nice surprise.

"Darling?"

Nat tore her eyes off the book she was reading to put her attention on her mother who was offering her a soft smile as she entered her room.

"You have a visitor,"

She had a visitor? That was certainly a mystery to her since she didn't personally know anyone in New Asgard other than her family. Then again, everyone knew who she was because of them.

"A visitor?" Natalie voiced her concerns by repeating that very word.

Before her mom could say anything else, another person stepped in. Her eyes stretched out upon seeing who it was.

"Hey Nat," Jack greeted her with that warm smile that always made her feel so warm and content.

To be continued...

[elsanna-shenanigans]

June Contest Submission #4: Up on the roof.

Words:  ca. 6,000 Setting: modern AU  Lemon: no Content:  brief description of blood. mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts. 

Running a bar isn’t really a job, it’s more like a way of life. You live, breath and shit bar work. You don’t get days off. When you do get time off to go out or take a break, you can guarantee some cunt is going to create trouble that the bar staff can’t manage. Or someone will break a window, or the gas will run out. You name it, it will happen. It’s always when you’re taking a break that everything goes to hell. It’s some kind of written rule in Satan’s notepad of evil. Anna would go upstairs for five minutes to look at memes on the toilet and the barmaids would start screaming up the stairs that they’ve messed up the cash register or that someone’s managed to pee all over the floor in the mens bathroom. Sometimes she wanted nothing more than to lock her doors and take a vacation. Preferably to somewhere very far away, like Croatia or perhaps Thailand. But after Covid and the divorce, she didn’t have the money for such luxury.

But, maybe being very busy was hard work, but really the downtime was the worst of it. The moments when she had time to think. To feel. Being alone with a head that won’t shut up. Not fun. Since the divorce, everything felt empty. She was a mess. It’d been a long time since Anna last slept. It was hard to determine an exact time. Occasionally she would drift off for a minute or an hour, but never long enough to feel like she’d rested. The ever lingering feeling of exhaustion was always present. Every time her eyes fell upon the endless piles of unwashed clothes and the mess on her living room table, she’d remember her mother saying “messy house, messy mind” and then throw another shirt on the floor, because fuck it all.

Now what. She was in her mid thirties, suddenly having to rebuild everything, to rethink everything she thought she knew. Anna wasn’t really sure of much anymore. It was just one foot in front of the other at this point. Maybe true love isn’t real. Maybe she should just get a grip.

Luckily for Anna. Today was friday, the busiest day of the week and to make things worse, her new bar maid had already let her down, so she was having to work. It’s okay, Anna’s a pro at pouring ten beers and mixing five cocktails at once. She would get through it. Hopefully. 

  ++++

Anna always started work at around 10am. It wasn’t worth it to pay out for a cleaner so she did it all herself. After a little walk to the store for her usual two cans of triple espresso iced coffee, she’d get to work cleaning the tables. Spraying every table and wiping them clean for the days regulars before and placing a beer mat next to every chair. Then she’d fill up a mop bucket with bleach and some nice smelling disinfectant and clean around the bar and the toilets. She used a separate mop for the mens toilets, because men apparently don’t know how to aim when they’re drunk. Every so often she’d give the carpet a vacuum. Drunk people aren’t so good at keeping their drinks in their glasses, you know. She would turn on the TV’s and put them on some sports channel for the punters to watch. Count the money in the cash register and get it ready. Then she’d be all set.

It was usually not very busy in the afternoon. Just one or two couples and a few randoms, who’d sit watching sports together or read newspapers. Anna would grab a bar stool and take it behind the bar with her so her feet wouldn’t get too sore before the evening rush. This day wasn’t so different to most days. A trickle of customers. A couple watching the basketball drinking cans of craft beer. It was just how she liked it. 

The door made a chiming sound as a woman walked into the bar and Anna almost fell off her stool. Not that it took much for her to trip up, but still. She had to pull herself back up using the beer pump. It was just…this woman…was glamorous. A little taller than she was. Beautiful blonde hair shining in the back of her head in an intricate braid of some kind. The way she held herself was reminiscent of regality. Chin up, straight backed, serious, surveying Anna steadily with piercing blue eyes. The woman looked out of place, different, not like the regulars. Anna was not one to be lost for words but for a moment she almost forgot to put on her customer service face. Maybe this woman was also lost. It was hard to believe she’d walked into a place like this on purpose.

“Hi there!” Anna said brightly, pulling herself together. Crinkling her eyes and flashing her teeth in her best smile.

Anna was pleasantly surprised to see the other woman give her a small smile in return.

“Hi,” she said, making steady eye contact with Anna from behind the bar. “What house white do you do?”

So she isn’t lost after all Anna thought. The way the woman looked at her made her feel suddenly very underdressed. Maybe she should have put some mascara on this morning.

“Pinot Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc.”

“A small Sauvignon would be nice please.” said the lady, resting a slender fingered hand on the edge of the bar.

Anna busied herself taking the wine bottle from the fridge and pouring out a small measure. When she placed it on the bar, the woman picked up the glass delicately by the stem, swirling the honey liquid round and round with slender fingers and inhaling the sweet scent. She took a small sip. Anna felt strangely nervous, as though this elegant woman’s approval of her wine was very important. The woman made her wait an uncomfortable length of time as she took a few more tiny sips, Anna started scraping her foot awkwardly along the linoleum flooring and staring at the cracks on the bar.

“This will be lovely, thank you” said the classy woman, flashing her teeth in another smile. The woman was easily the most attractive person she’d seen in her bar in a long time. Not even ‘boxer Dave’ (whose muscular image was hanging up on the shelf next to the brandy glasses) could hold a candle to this woman. It made Anna nervous, so she swiftly dropped the card machine.

“Oops,” Anna jumped, bending down to pick it up and put the stupid roll back in. “That will be $4.50 please.”

The lady acted like she didn’t notice Anna’s clumsiness. Pulling out her card from her purse and tapped it on the machine that Anna presented to her. Anna took out the receipt and put it in the cash register.

“Thank you,” said the blonde woman again. “You have beautiful hair by the way.”

“Oh…thank you, it’s not that great, I just brushed it.” said Anna, fiddling with the end of her plait. For god sake, Get it together Anna.

The woman took her wine and wandered somewhat majestically over to the table next to the fireplace. Perching herself delicately on the window seat. Anna watched her for a while. The lady pulled a book from her bag and started to read. Anna couldn’t see what the book was called but she wanted to know, maybe she’d have a walk around to collect glasses and see if she could find out. Wait no, Anna chided herself, you’re being weird

++++

Just as Anna had predicted, it was indeed the busiest night of the week. Anna’s feet felt bruised and sore in her shoes. Sneaking into the kitchen every hour on the dot to inhale a cigarette at top speed and bang her head against the counter. There were so many dirty glasses that she had to carry some of them outside so she could spray them with cold water from the hose so she wouldn’t run out. When the glasses are still slightly warm the beer goes flat and so much beer gets wasted in the drip trays from having to change glasses. It was all a massive pain in the butt.

One man actually clicked his fingers impatiently while she was running around like a headless chicken, saying with static impatience “Could I get served some time please.”

The wine drinking woman put down her book and fixed the man a crucifying stare “I think if you look you’ll find she’s very busy, she’ll get to you when she can.” she says. Voice like ice. The man actually had the sense to look slightly humiliated.

Thank you pretty blonde lady, I could kiss you.

Some of these guys were starting to piss her off. Here she was running around like her head was on fire, serving three customers at once and this lanky, wet yogurt of a man is complaining that she didn’t immediately stop what she was doing to serve him. Honestly, some people think they are god’s gift and the most important person to ever walk into the bar. Well it was fine, because this is Anna’s bar, if he said one more passive aggressive stupid thing she could just tell him to get the fuck out. It wouldn’t hurt to have one less asshole in the bar. Maybe she’d tell him his stupid moustache makes him look like the outcome of a seventies porno for good measure. At least the wine lady’s head wasn’t shoved so far up her own ass that she can’t see how busy she was. She was grateful for that at least.

It was hard work. But it was always nice to just get into the flow of things and not have any thoughts except to make the customers happy. By the end of the shift Anna was just about ready to collapse. Taking her time to avoid the lonely walk upstairs. Empty house, nothing to do and a head that won’t shut the fuck up. Great combination. Sleep was becoming more and more elusive regardless of how exhausted she made herself. When she’d been younger her heart had been so full. A few crushes here and there. But she had met Kristoff at college and things had seemed set. The two of them got along. He was handsome, strong. Smoked a little too much weed and had this permanent stale pong, but Anna had grown to find comfort in it. They had rented the bar when they had both turned 23. It seemed like the perfect life. But Kristoff hated working behind the bar. Actually he seemed to hate working at all. He was a genius when it came to mixing gasses and working out how all the different parts of a car work. But he couldn’t multitask for shit and if more than two people asked for drinks at one time he’d start spluttering like a winded rhino and start calling for her in the most infuriating way. It was like he was a baby and she was his mother, despite being three years her senior.

When she had met Kristoff she’d been so full of romantic ideas about life and love.

And now she was having to face the truth, that maybe love was not so perfect after all. That maybe love makes you convince yourself a person is challenging you to become a better person when really they are slowly making you worse. She had been so sure in her conviction that Kristoff was her one true love. That she had done everything in her power to ignore the glaring red flags waving right in her face. Kristoff was lazy. She had always seen it as if they complimented each other, that she filled in for the things he was missing. But really she was worn down, treating a grown man like a child. He was always stoned. At first it was cute, it was just Kristoff doing Kristoff things. But he never did anything. He threw his clothes on the floor where he took them off. He never even worked behind the bar that he’d begged her to rent with him. He couldn’t multitask so if more than two customers wanted to be served he started whining and calling for her and she’d end up giving up and letting him go get drunk with the rest of the customers. And oh boy did he get drunk. He was a nightmare to be honest, but she had loved him.

But the cracks became too much to ignore. Now she was alone for the first time in so many years. It was all so confusing.

++++

The woman would always leave around the time of the after work rush. Clearly preferring the quiet feeling of an afternoon drink. Anna always missed her strangely when she left. Remembering the way she defended her the first day. The woman’s name was Elsa. Anna had asked her after the third day she had returned to the bar.

The next week she had said “I don’t mean to be rude but you look exhausted, I know it’s not my business, but you work really hard, I think you’re doing amazing, but I do worry about you.”

Anna had no idea how to react to this statement. So she just said thank you and rambled awkwardly. It was a little embarrassing but Elsa didn’t seem to mind. In fact she smiled wider than Anna had seen yet. Warm and genuine. It was strange to believe a stranger really cared. But she did, without hesitation. The only person amongst a big room full of beer drinkers who seemed interested in her beyond her barmaid persona. The customers, as much as Anna loved them, talked a lot of shit. Of course, last year, Covid was the only thing people talked about.. The locals would dramatically tell her about how the covid vaccine caused your period to continue for months on end and how they put tracking chips in the vaccine and how it was a scam, you name it, she’d heard the same conspiracy bullshit at least five hundred times over. It wasn’t really worth arguing about but it did make her want to put her head in a bucket of ice. People will believe anything they read. Anna didn’t bother trying to argue anymore, she’d just call them brainless idiots in the privacy of her head and move on.

Elsa always sat in the same chair by the fireplace. Nobody ever sat in that chair because it was an unspoken law that this was now Elsa’s chair. Every day. Always ordered the same drink. Dry white wine. Sauvignon blanc. At this point Anna was so used to this routine that the glass would be ready on a beer mat before the woman even entered the bar. There was something strange about her. Aloof, sort of confident but more like she really didn’t give a shit about anything at all. Which to Anna was both admirable and highly concerning. There was never any indication of what she was doing outside of this little bar routine. No word of a husband or wife, no details about a job or children. She was just ‘Elsa who drinks wine and sits by the fire’. The woman always held the glass delicately by the stem, swirling the honey liquid round and round under her nose to smell the fragrance. If she liked it she would give a satisfied little hum and say “this will do nicely, thank you.” even though she drank it every day and knew what it tasted like. Not that it mattered, but Anna always felt disproportionate satisfaction whenever she did this.

++++

“So, I’m curious, how did you deal with the Covid restrictions?” Elsa had asked her once, on a quiet Monday afternoon.

“Oh that was a nightmare,” Anna had started, parking herself on a chair next to Elsa. “But I found these nifty watches online with a set of twelve buzzers. When somebody pressed a buzzer, the watch would vibrate and display the buzzer number on the screen. I  put a numbered buzzer on every table. So when a customer wanted a drink they’d simply ring the buzzer and herself or one of the bar team members would go out and grab the order and bring it out to them. That way, the customers could stay seated as was the new rules. Okay so it was all a massive pain in the butt. But it was a method that worked so that’s what I had to do. Honestly Every time the stupid watch buzzed it was my tradition to let out a sigh and a “The fuck do you want from me.” before dutifully going out to serve. Add to that my hands being dryer than the sahara desert because of the constant hand washing and yeah it was a pain. But it was worth it to keep everyone safe.”

Elsa let out a soft chuckle and leaned back in her chair. “I like hearing you talk to Anna. You’re very sweet. I can’t believe you did all that on your own?”

She had a habit of making everything feel suddenly very intimate. Anna felt her face flush. It was really impressive. And very intimidating. Something in her eyes made Anna feel safe. Even though she was a stranger, even though she didn’t even know her and that didn’t make any logical sense.

“Yeah, it was really hard, I um, recently got divorced and I’ve had to deal with all that while running this place.”

“Do you like doing this?” Elsa asked. Placing her glass back on the beer mat and peering at her with open interest. It made Anna’s insides jolt suddenly. But she put it away somewhere for later.

“I do, I really do or I mean I did. It’s just that I feel very lost at the moment and I…I don’t know how to explain any of this.”

“That’s okay, just take your time, thank you for telling me that though. I can understand.”

“You can?” Anna said, surprised.

Elsa let out a tinkling laugh. “Well, people can be very different from how they appear, can’t they?”

Anna thought of laying in the empty bedroom, fighting to keep thoughts at bay and back to her bar persona. The person everybody else saw. Does she know?

“Yeah…yeah they can be.”

++++

Every weekend Anna would spend time walking around town. Going to the gym in the evening. Getting one of the experienced barmaids to take care of the bar for her. The gym was in the middle of town. Next to a huge multi story parking lot. Anna always parked her car on the very top of the roof. It wasn’t like she had to. But she liked peering over the edge at the whole town. She’d spend about forty minutes doing weight stuff. The ache in her muscles made her feel so much stronger than she felt in her mind. It was nice. Relaxing somehow, ironically maybe. Then she’d do cardio for about twenty minutes. Not usually really strenuous. But when she was struggling with her head it was nice to work up a sweat. That’s one pro about emotions, they make you push without really thinking about it.

Every time she got ready to leave. There was always somebody sitting on the edge of the roof. Anna had been coming here for months now and every time the person was on the roof when she came to leave. Whoever they were, they simply stood or sat staring down at the streams of people and cars below, never pausing to turn and look at Anna as she put her stuff in her trunk. The person’s hood was always up and Anna wasn’t sure if it was a man or a woman. Anna considered calling out to them, to make sure they were okay, but she kept her mouth shut. It wasn’t any of her business. They were probably fine anyway, just some lost soul having a look at the view. Nothing to worry about. But she was drawn to them. Insanely curious.

++++

Something is wrong. That cloying feeling like claws scratching at her ribcage. Something is wrong. In the distance she can see the silhouette of somebody laying still on the side of the road. The claws inside her chest threatening to erupt from within her like a scream of terror. She’s running but it feels like her legs aren’t moving fast enough, every step weighed down with the crushing truth of the stranger’s predicament. she just wants to get closer, to get to her. To be with her.

So much blood, pooling beneath her hips and stagnating on its way out of the jagged gashes in her legs. The way it fans out around her looks absurdly like a cape. Except she wasn’t able to fly like superman, only crashed to the ground and crumpled, broken.

Anna couldn’t see her face in the darkness. Only the dark outline of her body lying broken on the pavement. But she knew somewhere inside her that this person was someone special to her. A person to love, to care for.

She could only cradle the girl’s sweat soaked head in her arms, hearing her ragged breaths mixing violently with the thudding of her heart in her throat. Oh god she’s dying.

Anna woke up in a cold sweat. Breathing hard. What. Who? Her hands trembling, she dragged herself up to inhale a glass of water. It’s okay Anna, it’s just a dream she told herself. The horrible panicked feeling seemed to linger with her all day. What if she needs me, no, she isn’t real.

Her head hurt.

++++

“I swear to god Johnny, if you put one more Carpenters song on that jukebox i’m going to pull the plug out.”

“Ah come on Anna, lighten up, The carpenters are great!” said the dude, grinning at her.

“It’s a friday night, nobody wants to listen to that Johnny.”

“Oh fine, gimme a smile Anna.”

Anna shook her head and went to the cellar for more bottles of tonic water and to change a barrel. It was nice and cool down there. Enjoying the chill a little as she pushed the coupler down onto the barrel. Watching the beer make its way up the beer line and flipping the buttons when the cellar buoy had made its way to the top. Back to hard work. All anybody did was ask her to smile and be happy. Because that was Anna right? Anna was the rambling, joyful, fun bar manager everybody loved. Anna sighed and made her way back up to work. It was busy as fuck. As Friday nights always were, before she would have found that really fun. But now it just made her think about her weekend trips to town and the gym. To not being around anybody she needed to put on a show. And the person standing on the roof.

She’d fired the usual Friday night bar maid because she caught her stealing alcohol from the optics. Oh well, she didn’t particularly like that one anyway. But it would be nice to not be forced to work so fucking hard.

“Hey”

Anna turned and nearly walked straight into her.

“Elsa, hi, how are you?”

“I’m good thanks, just think you could do with a hand behind there.”

“Oh, no no, I’m used to it, I’ll be okay, I’m a fighter you know.” she said, grinning with sweat beading on her forehead. “It’s fine really”

“No, I don’t think it is.” said Elsa, matter of factly.

“You just tell me what to do and I can do it. No ifs or buts. Let someone look after you for once. I know the ice is over there and I know how to pour draft beer and open cans and bottles, it’ll be fine, just show me how to use the cash register.”

Anna was stunned.

“Um, oh, okay, can you just stay on that side of the bar and I’ll stay on this side. The cash register is super easy to use. I don’t like the electronic ones so it’s just an old fashioned one. It’s much less confusing.  Just read the price list on the wall above it and then press subtotal and sale to open it. If you need more change I put a bag of change on the stairs.”

“Okay, I’ve got it.” said Elsa.

The two of them worked together very well. Elsa barely asked any questions. Seeming to have a knack for just figuring things out by herself. Every now and then Elsa would squeeze past her to get ice from the ice bucket or to get a bottle out of the fridge. At one point her hand brushed against her back and Anna froze at the radiant heat that shot through her body. It was so different to working with kristoff. All the customers were served swiftly. They were working like a team. It was…well it was really nice. Anna found herself smiling naturally. Enjoying the business of working on a friday night for the first time in what seemed like an age.

“It’s not a problem, I really enjoyed it, I’d be happy to do it again, sometime.”

++++

When Anna made her way back to her car on Saturday evening the person was there as usual. And maybe that day could have been just like any other day. But then she thought about Elsa helping her out last friday. Even though she could say it wasn’t her business. 

“Hey, are you okay?” she called out.

The person turned around slowly. Anna couldn’t quite make out her face underneath her hood. But the person lowered it. Blonde hair. Bright blue eyes.

It was Elsa.

No longer dressed in fancy boots and fancy clothes. Wearing a hoodie and sweatpants.

“Hey Anna. I was wondering when you would figure out it was me. I see you walking out of the gym all the time. Do you like it?”

“Um…yeah?”

Anna was confused, what was Elsa doing…no wait…who even is Elsa? The wind wafted a scent of white wine and elderflower in her direction. It was a nice, comforting smell, even with the bizarreness of the situation it felt like she was back in the bar, sitting by the fireplace.

“Well I told you before people aren’t always how they appear.” she said, smiling at Anna like she was prone to do. “You would know all about that though, you’re all cheerful and nice but I keep seeing you when nobody else is watching and to be frank, you look miserable Anna. Whenever I see you walking around when you aren’t using that customer service smile you have. you’re hiding things just like I am. I know you are. But if you think nobody can see it then you’re wrong.”

She said it with not a trace of doubt. Anna felt like her heart just fell through her chest. That she could just waltz into her bar one day and confuse the shit out of her. It wasn’t fair. Everything was already upside down. She just wanted to escape and be by herself.

But here she was. This…person, standing on the edge of the roof with her hair blowing out into the abyss. For a moment she said nothing. Eyes tracing over her face, trying to decipher the thoughts there. Her face didn’t leave many clues. But the eyes looked like pools of crystal clear water. Bright but sad, really sad.

“Elsa…who are you?”

Elsa considered for a moment.

“Well, I used to be someone else, but now I’m a different person.”

“I…yeah me too, I think.”

++++

Something is wrong. That cloying feeling like claws scratching at her ribcage. Something is wrong. In the distance she can see the silhouette of somebody laying still on the side of the road. The claws inside her chest threatening to erupt from within her like a scream of terror. She’s running but it feels like her legs aren’t moving fast enough, every step weighed down with the crushing truth of the predicament. she just wants to get closer, to get to her.

“I’m here, I’m here, it’s okay, I won’t hurt you.” she’d say between painful breaths.

Every time she did manage to sleep her dreams were filled with panic. Always the same dreams. Dim lighting gives little away. Only the smell of copper and death. There was no way to know who she was. The darkness surrounding them made it impossible to really see her face. But underneath the assault of copper she smelled like elderflowers and sandalwood and sweet rose petals. The blood seeped into her clothes and dripped languidly down her forearm. But she didn’t care. The pain of it overwhelmed her so much she’d jolt awake. Eyes adjusting to the light poking in through the blinds. Heart hammering in her chest.

Everything is okay. It’s just a dream, she told herself. 

++++

Elsa was very serious on the outside, but when she actually opened up and started talking about herself. Anna found it strangely enticing. So much so that she studied a little bit about the things she’d talked about, just to bring it up in hopes that Elsa would open up and start nerding out about the subjects. She really loved history, literature and art. It was cute. Her smile was cute. Elsa always asked her how she was feeling.

“I mean seriously, don’t hide it because you think I don’t like you the same if you’re sad. It’s okay. I like you. I mean you.”

For some reason this statement did not seem odd. Anna found herself saying it without any filter. It was exhilarating and so easy. Too easy.

“I feel happier recently, I enjoy talking to you, you make it easy to speak.”

“Yeah, I wish it could be this way forever.” Elsa said.

Anna’s heart was beating in her ears. Flush burning her cheeks.

“Why can’t it?” Anna asked.

“I don’t know, like I said, people aren’t always how they appear and I don’t know if I’ll always be here. To tell you the truth, I’ve been through a lot just like you and it’s hard sometimes, really hard. But you make me feel better. That’s why I come here every day. I’ve been drawn to you the moment I met you.”

“Elsa, are you okay?”

“Not always.” she said simply.

Up close, Elsa looked worn out. Like she was moments away from breaking down. Anna wanted to sooth her, hold her, tell her it would all be okay. But before she could open her mouth to say anything she had put her empty wine glass on the bar and walked out the door. Leaving Anna’s head reeling.

In her empty bedroom she stared up at the ceiling, wondering what was wrong. What Elsa had meant by what she had said. What was she hiding.

The urge came to her, suddenly, without explanation. But she listened to it without question. Just like she believed it when Elsa told her she cared without hesitation.

I need to go to the parking lot roof

++++

Panting heavily. Anna stood clutching her side, looking at Elsa’s back as she stared out into the street a hundred feet below. As the woman turned away she caught a little of her scent. Familiar, warm and sweet. The recesses of her mind added the smell of blood. It was elderflowers and sandalwood and sweet rose petals. It was the girl dying on the side of the road. And she understood.

“You’re thinking about jumping off the roof aren’t you.”

It wasn’t a question.

Elsa looked straight at her. Unblinking.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been depressed for a long time Anna.”

“Yeah, me too, but Elsa please don’t do that.”

“You know, whenever I try to find a reason, nobody ever gives me one that makes me decide to stay for real,”

“I can try.”

Anna had no idea what she was doing. But the words came out before she could think.

“But, you just walked in and knew exactly what to say and how to say it, you’re confusing me. I feel like I know you from somewhere, like I’ve known you my whole life. I dream about you every night. I see you on the road, dying. I don’t understand what it all means.

“Who knows, I was never really a spiritual person…but I dream about you too.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Because if you do this…if you do go to the point of no return and jump off the roof then how will you know if this is real. Maybe I am just one person but it was you who walked into my bar and made me feel like that means something. Maybe I’m just one person but you are right. I do deserve to be treated better. I deserve to have somebody compromise with me and take care of me. It was you who showed me that and I barely even know you. I knew Kristoff for fifteen years and I never learned anything except how to devalue myself. Time means nothing. I don’t need to know the ins and outs of what you have been through to know that you’re suffering. You don’t need to know everything about somebody to treat them how they need. You showed me that too. You can get through this Elsa. I know you can, I can help you.”

Elsa was staring at her. Considering.

“You are very strange, you know that.” she said softly.

“So are you.”

“Yes I am. To you.”

“You’ve got a voice you know. You have so much inside you that you don’t show anybody, but you’ve shown it to me in little tiny pieces. If you can make me feel this way then you can make so many more feel the same. People underestimate how powerful it is to impact a single person. People always focus on those with global reach and thousands of followers. But is it any less important if it’s only one lonely bar manager or a girl sitting on the roof while she thinks about jumping? How do you put a price on something like that? You’re so much more than you think you are, you know. Hate the way people have treated you, don’t hate yourself.”

“What do you think this all means?” asked Elsa.

She wasn’t looking out into the sky anymore, but at Anna.

“Well we have a long time to figure that out don’t we, if you just tell me you won’t jump. You can work with me, stay with me, all the demons of the past, we can show eachother all of it later, it doesn’t matter now. Just please come home.”

“I said I was drawn to you the moment I met you. Now I think I know why.”

Anna held out her hand. Inviting her to finally come down. To say goodbye to the roof. The way she was allowing herself to say goodbye to her lonely house.

Elsa took her by the hand, her fingers slotted between hers like they’d been there all of her life.

[sameheart-sameblood]

Live While We’re Alive

(gif by @rex-is-best)

pairing: commander wolffe x f!reader

summary: you thought being a newly recruited civilian doctor to the GAR was hard enough until you developed a hopeless crush on Commander Wolffe

words: 2.8 k

warnings: mature, some suggestive talk, mutual pining, medical exams, co-workers to lovers, a doctor having inappropriate thoughts about their patient 

a/n: I started writing this awhile ago and then lost all creative motivation but I've been in a Wolffe mood the past few days and sad we didn't get to see him in The Bad Batch so here we are. I'd like to apologize to my doctor dad and all medical professionals everywhere lol. Also, I had intended for this to end in smut but then got lost in feelings so there mayyyy be a chapter 2. We'll see ;)

read on ao3!

You want to fuck him. It’s been decided. This realization couldn’t have come at a worse time, though. You’re surrounded by Jedi and Clone Officers in a very important meeting detailing your next mission. But you only have eyes for one of the men and he’s currently standing at the head of the room giving a briefing to the holo of Master Yoda. It’s a testament to Commander Wolffe’s presence that you barely notice the little green Jedi Master he’s conversing with. Well, his presence and his extreme handsomeness.

When you’d first met him, you’d been truly intimidated. The other women you worked with nodded in understanding, whispering they had been thrown off by his cybernetic eye and prominent scar. But that wasn’t it. You’d noticed those things, but that wasn’t what made you uneasy.

It was the fact that he took one look at you and seemed to see right into your soul. You couldn’t explain it but you felt like with just a glance, he could tell your deepest insecurities. And stars, did you have a lot of those.

You had worked your way up through the medical field and had started your residency at the biggest hospital in Coruscant. After your training ended, you had secured a permanent job there. It had been difficult, to say the least. Though you knew you were qualified, even more so than most of your male co-workers, you still doubted yourself often.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi had come to visit you one nondescript Thursday afternoon, telling you of the need for doctors in the GAR. He said you came most highly recommended when he was searching for recruits but still, you thought a mistake had been made and that someone soon would realize and send you back to your normal life. It was a recurring nightmare you’d developed in the past few weeks that shook you from your sleep.

You had agreed to join the GAR, sympathetic to the cause and wanting to do your part. The next few weeks had consisted of you getting your bearings and meeting the rest of the staff at the base . Kix, the clone medic in charge, had helped you learn the ropes and had introduced you to all his brothers. At first, you had been overwhelmed by the sea of identical faces. As the weeks had gone on, you’d learned everyone’s names and they’d made you feel welcome, like one of their own.

The Commander and you had crossed paths several times. He was polite but distant. Not like you blamed him. He had more important things to do than exchange drawn out pleasantries. With each run-in, though, he seemed to be making more of an effort to be personable. Unfortunately, each conversation left you looking more and more like an idiot. Or a di’kut. The boys had been teaching you some Mando’a.

You were a medical professional, a well-respected doctor and yet Wolffe made you feel unsure of yourself. It had been so long since you’d had a crush that you didn’t realize this was what the beginning of one felt like.

*******

As you sit around the war room table, you feel even more like a school girl. Instead of paying attention to whatever Master Yoda is saying, you’re transfixed by Wolffe’s face. The hazy blue light from the holo reflects off his features, making him look ethereal. His scar looks even more prominent and you blush, remembering how often you’ve wondered what it would feel like to let your fingers trace it.   And his lips. They’re moving, responding to whatever the Jedi has said. They’re mesmerizing and now you’re thinking of what it would be like to kiss him. Or even better yet, to have those lips pressed against the plushier parts of your body.

You continue to stare until you realize his face has turned to you. It probably only takes you a second to come back to reality but it feels like an eternity. Somehow you’re able to respond to the question.

“Yes, Commander. All medical personnel are prepared for an 0800 liftoff. Kix will take his team with the 501st and I’ll have my staff along with the 104th. We’ll reconnoiter once we’ve landed on Hisseen.” The rest of the table nods, moving the conversation along. Wolffe stares at you for a moment, a hint of a smirk on his lips. You avert your gaze, finding the table a much safer object of your attention.

The discussion wraps up and Wolffe stands at attention, puffing his chest out, before Master Yoda disappears. Once again, your eyes are drawn to him. You’re not sure how but he makes something so mundane look indescribably attractive. Wolffe’s head turns in your direction but you’ve already bolted from your seat, hoping to cool down in the hallway.

Kix pushes through the crowd to get to you. “Hey, Doc. How’d the meeting go?” You shrug. “Nothing new to report. Just making sure we’re all set for our campaign.” He’s shifting back and forth, a sort of glazed look in his eyes. You realize he’s not paying particularly close attention. It’s the look of someone asking you something just so they can request a favor in return.

“Hmm oh yeah, that’s nice. Say, Doc, do you think you could cover for me for a few hours? I have some urgent business to attend to.”

“Since when is playing Sabacc with Fives and the boys urgent?”

“Since I remembered how terrible they are at it. I can make a real killing playing against them.”

You laugh. It’s true. You’ve come to love those men but a lot of them are really horrible at the game. You’ll need to give them a remedial course if you have any downtime on Hisseen. “Of course. What do you need me to do?” He rewards you with a huge grin. “Nothing hard! A few higher ups coming in for their physicals. Just the usual. Make sure they’re in tip top shape to get shot at by some tinnies.”

He gives you the list. It’s only a handful of men but the last one on it makes your blood go cold. “Commander Wolffe needs a physical?” Kix is oblivious to your inner turmoil. “Oh yeah, but he knows the drill. Honestly everyone can do it themselves at this point. We’re basically there to oversee it as a formality.”

You swallow down your apprehension and nod. “Sounds easy enough. Go have fun. And take it easy on them, will ya? Let them keep a little of their dignity intact” Kix just grins and shoots you a wave as he runs off.

*******

Your first few appointments go just fine. The officers are professionals and Kix was right, they could do these routine physicals with their eyes closed. You give them all your seal of approval and settle in to do your paperwork before your last, most anticipated patient arrives. The forms in front of you hold no interest and you find yourself checking the chrono every few seconds.

It’s not easy but you manage to finish your work. You set it aside and take steadying breath. Five more minutes and he’ll be here. You scold yourself. The Commander has never been anything but professional. You’re the one thinking these very unprofessional thoughts.

And you’re a doctor, for kriff’s sake. Your patients should be able to come to you without worrying you may be fantasizing about what they look like naked. But these are uncharted waters. It’s your first time having to deal with a patient you’re this attracted to. They really should take your medical license away.

Just as you’re thinking of packing it all up and handing in your resignation to the Jedi Council, a knock at the door snaps you to attention. Well, here goes nothing. You scold yourself once again for checking your reflection in the mirror before answering the door.

You had tried to adopt a passive, professional look to your face before greeting Wolffe but it must not have worked. “Everything alright, Doc? I’m not early, am I?” You shake your head.“Not at all. Punctual as always, Commander.” You beckon for him to come in and take a seat. You close the door, then sit across from him at your desk.

Your datapad hums to life and you busy yourself opening the appropriate forms you need to fill out. The weight of his eyes is heavy on you and your cheeks heat up in spite of yourself. You push on through as best you can.

“Well, Commander, how are you feeling today?” There’s that ghost of a smirk again but it vanishes so quickly you're not sure if you imagined it. “I feel like a million credits.” You giggle despite it not even being that funny. You’ve got it bad. “Glad to hear it. This should be quick then.” You gather your equipment and get to work.

First, you take his weight. Then, you listen to his heart. You press the stethoscope to his sternum, thankful you can do this over his blacks. He observes you the whole time. “And what about you? How are you today, Doc?” You risk a glance and meet his eyes. That was a mistake.

“Me? Oh-um just fine. Maybe not like a million credits but a few hundred at least.” You trail off dumbly but he humors you with a chuckle. You’re not sure you’ve ever heard that sound from him before. It’s like music to your ears. “Anything I can do to help? You do look a little flushed. Are you sure you don’t have a fever?” You avert your eyes again.

“No. I’m alright. It’s just, uh, hot in these uniforms. The coarseweave doesn’t breathe.”

“You sure? Maybe I should be the one giving you a check-up.”

You realize he’s toying with you now.

“That won’t be necessary, Commander.”

You move on to check his lungs. “Breathe in for me.” You move the stethoscope to his chest, then move it around a few different spots on his back. “You can call me, Wolffe. If you’d like.” He breathes in every time, not even needing prompting, ever the dutiful soldier, even when he’s teasing you.

“I would like that. Thank you, Wolffe.”

Next, you measure his blood pressure. You’re shocked that it’s so low. He sees the look of surprise on your face. “Something wrong?”

“Not at all. The opposite, in fact. Your pressures are great. I just thought with your lifestyle they might, understandably, be a bit higher.”

“What kind of lifestyle do you think I have?”

You’re backtracking as quickly as you can. “I just meant, your life as a soldier, it must be extremely stressful.”

There’s that smirk again. “It is. But you don’t get to be a Commander by not being able to handle the pressure.”

“Of course. But even so, if you’d like some stress relief techniques I can suggest some.” He hums as if really thinking it over. Thankfully there’s only one part of your exam left. Which is good because you’re not sure how much resolve you have remaining.

“Everything looks great. I’ll just do a head and neck exam and then I can send you on your way.”

You need to touch him for this part but you stop yourself, hands hovering but not quite meeting their destination. You feel like once you touch him, really feel his skin under your fingers, there may be no going back.

Wolffe sees your hesitation, then slowly reaches out to take your hands. You watch with wide eyes as he guides them to his neck. He looks up at you innocently enough but you can tell he’s laughing internally. You try to reign in control of the situation.

“Sorry, I just got distracted.” The Commander studies you but this time it’s in earnest. “Are you nervous? This’ll be your first time in an active war zone, right?” You had been anxious but not about that. But now that he mentions it, yeah, you honestly don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.

“Yes, I’m not sure what to expect. I guess you could say I’m a little scared.” Wolffe gently holds your chin, directing you to look back at him. “I won’t lie. It’ll be overwhelming and frightening. Battles can seem never-ending. But I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.”

You’re staring into each other’s eyes and you don’t want to stop. But then he’s clearing his throat and gently removing his hand from your skin. You realize you’ve been resting your own hands on his shoulders this whole time. “Thank you, Wolffe. I do feel much better knowing you’ll be there.” You offer him a smile, hoping it conveys just how much you appreciate him looking out for you.

You begin your exam, gently kneading where his neck meets his shoulders, checking for any anomalies. Then you move to his throat. The throat you’ve so often been distracted by. It’s featured prominently in your daydreams. You move your hands along it, under his jawline. Having a man this powerful baring one of the most vulnerable parts of his body to you is intoxicating. Focus, di’kut.

Everything feels normal except for some knots you find resting right below the surface of his smooth skin. “Lymph nodes feel good. You’re a little tense, though. But I bet it’s from that bucket you have to wear most of the day.” He hums in thought. “True. But even so. Maybe you could give me some of those ideas for stress management?” He looks up at you with big eyes. There’s mischief in them but something else. Vulnerability?

You gulp audibly. “Of course. There are a few that work particularly well, um, like deep breathing techniques, going on walks, talking with friends, meditation, journaling, physical activity…” You’re rambling, fighting a losing game against your resolve. Wolffe thinks on it. “Physical activity seems like a good place to start.” His hands come up to gently cover yours that are still resting on his neck.

The sensation of his calloused fingers on your skin sends shivers down your body. You close your eyes, feeling the last of your self-control topple over. “Wolffe,” you whine “We shouldn’t…” He immediately drops his hands, worry etched on his face. “I’m so sorry. It’s just- I thought you wanted-.” He cuts himself off, snapping up to his feet and to attention. “Doctor, you should report me to General Plo Koon for immediate disciplinary action.”

Dank Farrik, you’ve just ruined everything.“Wolffe! No, I’m not reporting you to anyone. If anything you should report me for being so unprofessional.” His shoulders relax a bit but he still eyes you as if you’re a live grenade that might explode at any second. “What do you mean?” You sigh in frustration. This isn’t how you wanted to confess your feelings to him.

“I…want you, Wolffe. The second I realized that I should have asked to be re-assigned to a different battalion. Instead I thought I could push those feelings down and continue to do my job. Looks like that was a mistake.” You hang your head, avoiding his piercing gaze. He’s silent for just a moment but it feels like an eternity.

“So, you want me and I want you?” You nod your head, ashamed, as he continues. “Then what’s the problem, Doc?” Your eyes snap to his, not believing what you’re hearing.

“Isn’t it wrong of us?”

Wolffe sits down on the exam table again, genuinely thinking on it. “I don’t see why. We’re both consenting adults. We don’t work directly with each other- I report to General Koon, you report to General Kenobi- so there’s no real conflict of interest. The worst we’ll face is a little ribbing from the boys if they find out.”

You raise your head to look him in the eyes, needing to make sure he’s serious and that this isn’t some twisted joke. What you find staring back at you is hope and promise. He senses your trepidation and gently takes your hands in his. “I’m sorry if I came on strong. But the thing about this life is that there are no guarantees. Tomorrow isn’t promised and so I figured I’d rather go for something, someone, that I want and have my heart broken rather than regretting my inaction.”

Your eyes roam the scars on his face, evidence of just how true his words are. You’re heading into active battle tomorrow. One or both of you could be injured, or worse. You step towards him. He spreads his legs so you have room to get closer. You rest your forehead on his, breathing him in.

His hands come up to caress your sides. You take a shaky breath. He questions you softly. “Cyar’ika?” Ah, now that’s one of the new words you definitely remember. His vulnerability makes you ache and the decision to hand your heart over is an easy one. “You’re right, Wolffe. Might as well do some living while we can.”

*******

[dexters-bluemilkshakes]

i made “the 501st go to target” , “the disaster lineage goes to target” and “The Clone Wars Squad ™️ (+Satine) Goes To Target” and now i give you: The Rebels Go To Target

hera: got to relax for once. she found some magazines and read them in the asiles while drinking a coffee. she got the newest additions to book series she likes and bought a few DVDs for her and Kanan’s few and far between “date nights.” she bought chopper a cat toy.

kanan: does the shopping. finds all the groceries/ food staples that they are running low on. also buys plain clothing/ accessories to be used in disguises. he grabs many packs of hair ties because ezra and sabine were tired of him stealing theirs. when both he and hera were done shopping they walked around the store, hand in hand, chuckling when they heard laughing and screaming and everything in between from their kids, and were very thankful zeb drew the short straw.

ezra: mr.kleptomaniac steals little trinkets and whatnot by putting them his pockets or by making it look like it was already his. He is pretty smug about it at first but sabine saw the whole thing and a few days later let’s it slip that ezra shop lifted in a half-successful attempt to get the heat off of her for smth dumb she did. ezra sheepishly returned/ paid for all the items while a stern hera stood behind him. zeb could. not. stop. laughing. zeb got in trouble later bc he was supposed to be watching ezra.

sabine: ogled over the hair dye, graphic tees, and art supplies. Despite them not having spray paints, she finds a lot of different materials she’s never had the chance to use, or just materials most people wouldn’t think to put in a piece. she re-stocks on snacks and her preferred hair dyes/ purple shampoo/ products. it’s going to be a long time before they come back here.

zeb: was the Designated Parent for the day. He had to make sure Chopper didn’t destroy the whole store, make sure ezra didn’t steal anything (he failed miserably at that), and make sure sabine didn’t paint anything. he also had to make sure kanan and hera didn’t do the smooches in a quiet corner. (he failed even worse at that) he was very frazzled but during his running around the store he found a really nice pair of boots. he also jump scared ezra like three times and made weird noises in neighboring aisles to try and freak ezra out. ezra insisted it didn’t (it did).

chopper: pinched people’s legs while hiding under clothing display tables. eventually zeb put him in time out and he had to spend the next 10 minutes walking in (grumbly) silence with zeb until he could continue his chaos. repeat cycle. hera gave chopper the cat toy and that kept him very occupied for a while. despite his insistence that he doesn’t care for it, he now refuses to shut down without it nearby.

rex: ezra tried to get him to lift him into the ball crate. rex said no. (ahsoka then looked away for like five seconds and rex threw ezra in the pit with no hesitation. ahsoka saw and immediately face palmed.) he walked around with ahsoka, and they reminisced about all the times they came here with their friends during the rare downtime they got during the war. oh! there’s where fives managed to slip and bring down a shelf. oh! there’s where padmé and anakin were caught holding hands. oh! that’s the hair product obi-wan insisted he never used but he did. oh! there’s where this person and this person and this person and he and she and they and

they’re all gone.

ahsoka and rex tried not to cry.

(when they saw the still lingering stain from where the wolffe pack managed to burst 12 pens and get ink everywhere the tears began to fall)

ahsoka: she could hear the whispers of her friends still lingering on the shelves. she thought she saw obi wan and anakin and padmé and…

but it wasn’t them.

it’s hard going back to the places of your past when the ghosts still haunt you.

she and rex left before the rest of everyone else

all she got was a keychain of a dino that anakin swore he would get on their next visit

and he would have gotten it.

except there was no next visit.

hondo: no one knows how he got here. no one invited him. he mostly left people alone except to ask for them to pay for his things. no one did. he eventually just stole a cartful of random stuff. he got caught, so he flew away with bags of stuff falling out of his window while shouting “until next time, my friends!”. the rebels left soon after that.

kallus: (post getting stranded on a Geonosian moon w our favorite Lasat) was parent for the day with Zeb, even though he didn’t have to be. That is, until he found the hat section and spend the rest of the time admiring himself in different fedoras. he got a watch, despite never saying he needed one and no one even saw him near the watches.

bonus!

thrawn: does not shop at target. ever. but it was a late night and he desperately needed more coffee grounds so he had little choice.

tarkin: lol dude just sneered at everything and made haughty remarks about the state of the store.

he actually loved it and goes back with a black mustache taped on his lip.

[angry-geese]

Alien Blues

Gojo Satoru x Reader

Warnings: none! sfw. romantic/platonic(interpretable). mainly fluff. mentions of overworking and death, but nothing graphic. gn!reader

Notes: touch-starved Gojo

Word Count: 2.3k

Gojo doesn't get a lot of downtime in his line of work.

It comes with the job. Sorcerers don't exactly work a 9 to 5. This line of work is far from a normal one. Curses don't exorcise themselves, nor do they pick convenient times to show up. He usually has his hands full; be it taking down curses, or dealing with his students. A guy like him really can't take a vacation.

Despite going to the same school—and being only a year younger than him—you didn't meet Gojo until well into your adult life. After graduating, you went off on your own. The typical way of life for sorcerers wasn’t for you. You really didn't want to work with—or under—any of the major clans. At that point, you just wanted to do your own thing. To hell with the school; you’d be fine on your own. And you were.

You spent much of your time exorcising curses across the world, traveling from place to place, not staying in a single town for very long. A lot of it was freelance work. Such jobs were typically frowned upon, or at least looked at strangely. But it really didn't bother you. On your own you were powerful, and an impressive fighter, but you were working in a world that didn't accept you.

So you said to hell with fitting in.

Doing your own thing was the best decision you’d ever made. To this day you’ll stand by that. The jujutsu world is meant for people like Gojo. It demands so much more from you, and in return gives a whole lot less. It demands perfection from you—maybe even more—while he’s the set standard for this perfection. You hold no ill will towards him for it. He didn't make things this way. But it's hard not to envy him at times.

When you came back to the school, you were first assigned a teaching job.

Although you were a talented sorcerer, it was clear from the beginning you weren't meant to be a teacher. Your teaching style was viewed as a bit harsh, as you tended to just throw your students into a situation and let them figure things out for themselves, correcting them where needed. Overall you weren't a bad teacher, but your students got sent to the infirmary often. And by often, it was nearly every day. You just wanted them to be capable. You wanted your students to be prepared. To be the best of the best. How are they supposed to improve if they don't have experience?

To be fair, your students were some of the best in their grade.

For the most part you substitute if needed.

Upon first meeting, he was too eccentric for your tastes. Really, you found him annoying. Your first impression of Gojo was that he was full of himself and out of touch with the world around him. His first impression of you was that you were stuck up and a bit of a bitch.

There wasn't one thing that changed. Maybe he wore you down to the point where you tolerated him. He likes to think it was because of his charming personality. You know otherwise. His charms rarely work on you; if ever. Over time you found yourself less and less repulsed by him. The two of you bonded over harassing Nanami. On your own you weren't much trouble, but when paired with Gojo, Nanami learned to stay out of your way. If you let him. Usually you tracked him down. Your sweet tooth was just as insatiable as his. When you first took up baking, he was always nearby, wanting a taste. You’d drag him along to see new movies or shows or anything you’d think he’d like. He likes co-existing with you. The two of you don't have to even be doing anything. He can sit for hours with you by his side, doing absolutely nothing.

You've gotten to the point in your relationship where you show up unannounced. It's payback for all the times he’s come to your apartment, claiming he has some work for you, only to stay and raid your fridge, conveniently forgetting what he had to tell you. Yes you have scared the absolute hell out of Megumi on several occasions. In Gojo’s defense, he likes your cooking.

He’s not used to having you stay in one place for so long. You’re not used to it either. It feels strange sticking around Tokyo for so long. You hate feeling trapped more than anything. Maybe that’s why you moved around so much. Maybe you’re getting sentimental the older you get. For the first time in years, you feel truly at home. Gojo is one of your closest—if not your closest—friends, and there’s not much you wouldn't do for him.

You guess this is home. The end of the line, or whatever. You don't see yourself leaving for a while.

It's well after dark by the time he gets home.

The place was empty when you got here. Megumi must be out with friends. He's a strange kid. Strange circumstances lead to strange adults—or almost adults in his case. You try not to judge him too hard. You don't have a whole lot to say on his… situation.

He notices your form curled up on the couch, your face illuminated by your phone screen. The tv plays some horror movie you’ve long stopped paying attention to. Your face lights up when you see him.

His hand briefly touches your head, messing up your hair. He looks tired. There's dark circles under his eyes. He was gone for a while this time.

“I brought takeout,” you say, gesturing to the fridge, “I wasn't sure when you’d get home so I put it in there.”

“Did you eat already?” He asks. He makes a note to pay you back for the food later.

“No, I wanted to wait for you.” You say.

A bit of guilt hits him. You really didn't have to wait for him. You know his habit of being chronically late. He says he’s fashionably late, to which you reason he is never fashionable ever. He actually seemed a bit bothered by that one, which only made you tease him more.

Momentarily he disappears into the kitchen, returning with your food. You have his order memorized. There's only a handful of things he’d get anyway. He’s not a picky eater, and usually gets what you get. Pick one of about three things and he’ll probably eat it.

The food is still good even while cold. Gojo talks about his recent job while you eat. He says it was nothing special. But he called Nanami for backup, so you know that’s a lie. He hardly touches his food. Since when doesn't he want to eat? The guy has a pretty impressive appetite at times. Seriously, he could eat you out of house and home.

“Are you done?” He asks.

You nod.

He clears away the empty takeout containers from in front of you, returning the leftovers to the fridge.

When he returns, he sits next to you, throwing his arm over the back of the couch. The leather is an ugly shade. You’re sure if it weren't for Megumi, he would have bought something much worse. His taste—in everything, really—can be tacky. You make sure he knows this. Always have to keep him on his toes. Nanami is right about some things. You never take Gojo’s side for too long.

“You were gone for a while this time.” You say.

A smug looking grin spreads across his face. It's almost enough to make you roll your eyes and groan. “Sounds like you were worried about me.”

Really, you could worry yourself sick thinking about him. It's hard not to. Everyone has their limits, and you constantly wonder when he’ll hit his. Strongest or not; he’s human after all.

“Of course I worry.” As much as you hate to admit it, you care about him. You won't say it. It feels like bad luck to say it out loud.

He knows. He feels the same way. Over time he’s grown jaded and angry with the way things are. He tries not to worry too much about you. This life isn't an easy one, but you can handle yourself. He knows that. Years on your own have proven you're not only a capable sorcerer, but a talented one. The strongest doesn't need to worry about himself, so much as the people around him.

In a weird way he’s proud of you.

You open your arms, instinctively he goes into them.

You pull his head to your chest. He does little to fight against you. Hell, he practically leans into your touch. You take his glasses, setting them on the table beside you. His eyes close when your hands move to his hair, gently pulling it out of his eyes. He’s not quite sure what to do with his arms. Eventually he settles on resting them at his sides. One snakes around your stomach, coming to rest on the fleshy part of your hip. You're awfully comfortable to lay on, he notes.

Your movements are familiar, and oddly comforting. He makes note of the way your heartbeat suddenly drops off, before picking up in pace. From the smell of your shampoo, to the sound of your breathing. He can only describe it as home.

Lots of people will die in this line of work, but he has faith you’ll always be around. You’re too stubborn to die.

Touch in a sense like this is almost foreign to him. Touch in a non fighting context is just bizarre. He never de-activates infinity long enough to get hit. He's had his fair share of one night stands. Hell, he could have anyone he wants. He’s had everything and anything in between. Men and women across the world either want to be him, or be with him. But this—intimacy like this—is strange. The others get kicked out the morning after. But you’ll always be around. He likes to think he’ll be around for you too.

Maybe he’s more touch starved than he thought.

He’s Satoru-fucking-Gojou, a man like him doesn't get touched starved. He feels a wave of shame at his reaction. His face burns. His pride won't allow him to admit how much he enjoys this.

It's the first time you’ve held him close like this. The action is so oddly intimate and it’s not even in a sexual way. Your movements are familiar. He fits so nicely against your chest, he notes.

He practically purrs in delight as your fingers brush a sensitive spot towards the back of his head—where his neck and shoulders meet—sighing softly. Goosebumps rise along his exposed flesh. You take note of his reaction, and focus on that spot more, dragging your fingers across his skin. Your nails are getting long, and feel nice against his scalp. His eyes close as he leans into the crook of your neck.

"Do you want to watch something different?" You ask.

His heart nearly stops when your hand moves to cup his cheek. His face is warm. He's a wimp when it comes to horror movies. He says they don't scare him. They do. You’ve spent plenty of night sitting next to him, watching his body tense with terror.

He wasn't paying attention to the tv until now. He shakes his head, but his eyes remain fixed on the ground and not the screen.

"This is fine." He says.

"You sure?"

He nods.

He fights sleep as long as possible, but eventually he'll have to give in to it. You’ll be there long after he’s fallen asleep. Maybe even after he wakes up. His head nods, his eyes struggling to stay open. His breaths even out, his chest rising slowly.

You're not really sure what to do once he falls asleep on you. Your position isn't the most comfortable, but you suffer through it so as to not wake him up. If he’s fallen asleep on you, then he definitely needs the rest. He’s a light sleeper anyway. Any movement would be sure to wake him up.

It’s not long after that his body heat—and the sound of his steady breathing—lulls you to sleep.

You wake up to a blanket haphazardly tossed over the two of you. The tv is off. Two glasses of water are set out on the coffee table, condensation collecting on the outside. Megumi must have come home. Gojo's drool collects in a small pool on your collarbone, which is a bit gross. You use the corner of the blanket to wipe it away. It’s a bit odd seeing him so at-peace. It's rare he even lets his guard down. You rest your chin on the top of his head. His hair is soft, and tickles your neck. The sight of him makes your chest swell with affection. The intimacy of it all is enough to overwhelm you. It's been a while since you’ve cared so much about someone.

It's nice having him home.

He stirs, stretching out a bit like a cat. You card a hand through his hair. He grumbles something in response. Probably a weak “what?” Your joints are a bit stiff from staying in the same position for so long.

“Do you want coffee?” You ask.

He sleepily mumbles an answer—one which you don't understand. It's just as legible as the first. His eyes don't even open. You take it to mean he wants to go back to sleep. You pull the blanket up around his shoulders, tucking it under his chin. The sun is still barely up. You’re not in a rush to get up. You don't have anything to do today anyway, work can wait. If Nanami calls, you’ll just ignore him. You could stay in all morning if you wanted.

And you just might.

Come hell or high water, you’re staying on this couch.

In a bit you should get up and start breakfast. Most of the food in the house is for Megumi, but there should be enough to make something small. Pancakes sound nice.

[echo-of-sounds]

after a nightmare

Small headcanons about how Aizawa, Toshi, Hizashi, Fatgum, and Gang Orca react after having a nightmare/night terror and how you could comfort them.

Aizawa Shouta

Having a nightmare isn’t bad. They pass quickly. However, with Shouta, he’ll start to kick. He could hurt himself or you so you need to wake him up. You’ll hear him huff names under his breath. 

Wake him as gently as possible. His quirk may activate and he’ll latch onto your arm. His quirk is harmless but his grip will hurt. Run your hand over his chest, whispering that it was a terrible dream and he’s safe now. Your words and touch are grounding. It brings him back to the present, to what’s real.

His nightmares are about students getting hurt and his friends dying. He sees a blade through Kaminari’s stomach or Hizashi getting crushed by a rock. Most of the time, he realizes it was a dream and can talk himself down in his mind. If he had a bad day or if he was reliving past events, he’s upset, deeply. You can see it in his face. He’ll scratch under his right eye and hold his elbow.

Right after, he won’t want to talk about it. He just wants you to lay on his chest to try and get some more sleep. Your weight is comforting. The next day during your downtime, maybe at dinner, he’ll open up to you. It depends on how gravely it affected him.

Because they disrupt what little sleep he gets, a migraine the next day is common. Sadly, his students get the brunt of his temper.

Yagi Toshinori

He doesn’t move or make a sound when he has a nightmare. He’s eerily still. Cold sweat coats his body and the sheets. He’s unable to wake up from the dream. The only things that can wake him up are his stomach or an outside source. Crying after them is typical.

Nightmares make him nauseous, which then aggravates his stomach. Most of the time, that’s it. He’ll get up for medicine and tea, taking time to cool off before going back to bed. When it’s really bad, it leads to him getting sick. He won’t wake you up. He doesn’t want to pester you. But you’ll hear his heavy footsteps run to the bathroom.

Toshi’s nightmares are about any and everything that could happen since he no longer has his powers. People get hurt and he can’t do anything. He’s frozen in place, unable to get to them, to help his loved ones. It scares him to think he won’t ever be able to save someone when they need it the most.

Though he doesn’t always want to talk about them, be there and let him know you’re willing to listen. The number of people he can confide in is limited. Make sure he knows just how important he is to you and the world.

He won’t cuddle afterward. He’s hot, has short breath, and all the air in the room feels stuffy. He needs space. But he still wants you beside him. He needs you near and safe.

Yamada Hizashi

Hizashi’s quirk goes off. It wakes you up. It wakes him up. It wakes the neighbors up. Invest in soundproofing foam to put on the walls and ceiling of your bedroom. 

Since he yells so loudly and suddenly, it’s hard to fall back asleep. Get up for a nice hot cup of tea or cocoa and relax with some late-night cartoons.

His nightmares happen so fast. He rarely remembers what they were about but it’s clear they bother him. He’s fidgety: drumming his fingers, tapping his feet, and darting his eyes around the room. It will take a while for the anxiety to settle.

Try asking him questions. Not deep, hard-hitting ones but gentle, searching ones. They might prompt memories and clear up what exactly was so frightening. No matter if his memories surface, hug and hold him close under a weighted blanket. Feeling and smelling you is calming.

When he’s ready for bed, he wants to spoon you, cuddling into your back and holding your waist. He won’t let you go until the morning comes. Though, if you got up for cocoa, you might just fall asleep on the couch, tangled together.

Toyomitsu Taishiro

He’s able to wake up before the nightmare gets worse. He looks around the room, making sure he and (more importantly) you are safe. After tenderly checking you over, he lays back down. Unless you're awake, you won’t even notice he had one. 

Depending on the severity of it, he might wake you up. If it was your run-of-the-mill nightmare, he can drift off to sleep relatively easily. If it was intense, he’ll want to wake you up. He really hates disturbing you but sometimes he needs to talk about it, getting his emotions out instead of letting them stew in his mind.

They’re about his past experiences. Maybe he couldn’t save that one little girl and her face keeps coming back to him. Maybe he barely rescued that shop worker and sees his blood coating his arms and clothes. 

Reassure Tai that he did everything he could. He starts thinking he isn’t a good enough Hero and that’s the reason why the little girl died; he should have done more to prevent it. Promise him that he's a great Hero and a terrific man. He always does whatever is humanly possible to defend those who need it. 

After a bad dream, he’ll lay you completely on top of him. Your body is so small compared to his and he must protect you.

Gang Orca

He gasps awake. It’s intense and heavy. He gets out of bed to cool off: whether it’s sitting outside in the cool night air, a quick shower, or just relaxing in front of a fan.

In his nightmares, he ends up hurting people. He’s always hesitant about his strength. When he was younger, he had to teach himself a great deal not to be rough or hard in everything he does. 

What if he seriously hurt a student in the exams? Then they wouldn’t be able to become a Hero. What if he grabbed a child to save them from harm but he just ended up critically hurting them in the process? They had to go to the hospital because of him. They were fine otherwise.

You’ll probably wake up from him leaving the bed. He’s a big guy and the shift in weight is noticeable even in sleep. Find him and ask a few questions. They guide him to the realization that he hasn’t hurt anyone, ever. He’s a great man. His commitment to his work goes beyond others and people will always trust his words and actions.

Kugo won’t initiate contact after. His fear follows him into the real world. Reach out to him. He won’t push you away. He needs your touch. It lets him know you’re not afraid. Kiss his forehead over and over. He’ll carry you to bed, holding you tight against his chest.

[tsrookie]

Always In My Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Alyssa Brooks)

A/N: On today’s episode of ‘I have no idea wtf I’m doing’, we have something that I cooked up because I had terrible WiFi and no other app but Google docs would open up.

Trope: Fluff, but a tiny bit of angst?

Rating: General

Word Count: 2.3K

Warning(s): Mentions of character death

Summary: Their son has a very important question to ask.

——————————

The delicious aroma of chicken and rice wafted through the Brooks-Ramsey household. The couple worked side by side in the kitchen as they had all those years ago, the only difference being that it was now a dinner for five and not just two.

Allison Dolores Brooks-Ramsey came into their lives nine years ago, and while it was earlier than they would have wanted, they didn’t regret a second of their lives ever since they first heard her voice.

The twins on the other hand, were planned, but nothing had prepared them for the chaos that Nathan and Natalie would bring. A new broken object every week, a dozen fights for the TV every day, and yet were nothing short of tiny tornadoes when they joined forces.

It couldn’t be more perfect.

“What time did Jackie and Emilia say that they would bring the girls back?”

“6:30, I think.”

“Ah. So we have time till 7:00.” They shared a knowing smile. Two aunts taking their nine and six year old nieces to the mall meant a complete raid of the toy store, and a new guitar.

“You need to stop letting everyone spoil the girls just because you have a soft spot for them, Ethan. Ally’s grown old enough to understand that she has her daddy wrapped around her finger, and we don’t need Nat coming to that realisation as well.”

“I don’t- I can’t believe you would accuse me of not loving all my children equally!”, he exclaimed in mock offense.

“Mhmm. So why did I have to come up with an explanation to tell Nathan why his dad wasn’t on board with ordering dessert when he asked for it, but relented once his sisters kept bugging him for another five minutes?”

He opened his mouth in protest, but decided against saying anything for his own good. “Well what can I say? They’ve inherited their mother’s persuasiveness. And I can’t really say no to you, can I?”

Alyssa’s lips curved upwards at that. The playful look in her husband’s eyes caused her to finally break into a grin. “At least you’re self-aware.” Stuffing the rice into the bird she added, “But I can’t exactly tell our son that his dad is too in-love with his mom that he sees her in his daughters and hence can’t say no to them. He’d gag in disgust.”

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around her, resting his head in the crook of her neck. “That he would. Alright I’ll try a little harder to resist their charms. Wouldn’t want my only son to end up hating me.” He said it without a hint of worry over it becoming true someday. Over the years, he’d learned to put aside his fears of not being a good father, and with the help of some therapy, and Alyssa’s unwavering love and support, he’d locked up his insecurities in a box and let it sink to the bottom of the ocean.

They took the stuffed chicken and put it in the oven, washed their hands and plopped down on the couch for some rare downtime.

“Crap.”

“Everything okay?”

“Fred’s mom got called in, so she’s dropping Nate off on her way to work.”

Ethan sighed. “There goes the hour I planned to spend with my wife, who I barely get to spend enough time with these days.”

“I swear, you were never this busy when you were chief. I have no idea why my workload’s ten times bigger.”

“I do.” Ethan smiled with pride. “One usually does have a lot of work when they’re at the front lines of the battle for making free healthcare accessible for every single person in the country. My brilliant wife, though she could choose to leave most of the work to her very competent team, opts to take it all upon herself. So that’s probably the cause behind all the extra workload she complains about.”

She smirked and perched herself onto his lap. “Well your very brilliant wife also knows that you called my team very competent just to avoid hurting my feelings, and that you and I both know that they’ll be running around like headless chickens without me taking care of things.”

“I know, love. But you can still make them do a little more instead of working yourself to the bone while still making sure that you have at least one meal with the kids every day.”

She sighed. “Yeah, to make sure that they don’t forget what I look like.” She leaned in closer. “Besides, are we really going to spend our last few minutes of peace talking about work?”

Just as she uttered the words, the door burst open, and Nathan kicked off his shoes and jumped onto the couch as Alyssa slid down from Ethan’s lap. She shot him a look that very clearly meant What did I just say?

Ethan gave her an apologetic look and ruffled his son’s hair. “Hey buddy. How was your day at Fred’s? I know you wanted to spend more time with him.”

“I did, and we were just about to open his new LEGO set when Mrs. Watson told us that she had to run up to her office for some emergency meeting.”, he pouted. “But it was a nice day. We watched Thor: Ragnarok and Luca, and we would’ve watched another movie if his dad didn’t tell us that two movies were enough for a day.”

Alyssa shot him a mildly stern look. “Well he was right. You’re too young to have movie marathons just yet. Two are more than enough, unless you want to have a headache.”

“But mom, I’m not too young! I’m a big boy! I can swing along the monkey bars at the park faster than Natalie, and soon I’ll swing across buildings just like Spider-Man!”

“Well Spider-Man got bitten by a yucky spider before he swung across buildings. Do you want to be bitten by a gross and poisonous spider?”

“Mommy, not all spiders are gross and poisonous. Dad told me that when I was four and got scared of them at the zoo.”

She rolled her eyes. Leave it to her husband to convince her kids that insects were anything short of creepy and disgusting. In reality, they were, but as someone who ran a mile away at the sight of a butterfly, she wasn’t going to accept that.

“That’s right, Nate. Some of them are certainly very poisonous and dangerous, but that doesn’t mean that you should be scared of them. If you maintain your distance and admire them from afar, there should be no problem at all.”, he said with a pointed look at Alyssa, who just huffed in annoyance.

Nathan giggled, his brown eyes lighting up with amusement. He loved watching his parents playfully bicker. It was way better than seeing them- ugh, kiss.

“We were pretending to be superheroes and Fred used his full name for his pretend name cause it sounded cool, and it is. Fredrick Anthony Watson sounds like something from that show you and mom watch with the guys in the stuffy suits.”

“When did you see us watching the show with the guys in the stuffy suits?”, asked Ethan with a slight hint of concern. Whatever he and Alyssa watched on their free nights was definitely not kid-friendly.

“I don’t remember. Maybe a few months ago.”

Their year old puppy, Ivy, woke up from her nap and bounced into the living room to jump onto her favourite person. Nathan squealed with joy as the fluffy hair of the dog tickled his nose.

Ethan and Alyssa smiled at each other. Getting another dog after Jenner was a decision that took a lot of convincing, but their kids were responsible enough and it was impossible to say no after two years of constant pestering.

“Fred told me that he was named after his great-grandfather William, and that he was this really cool guy who saved a bunch of guys from getting mugged in a dark, dark alley.” He turned to look at his parents as Ivy snuggled into his lap. “Who was I named after mom?”

The question caught her off guard, and she glanced at Ethan for backup.

When they knew that they were having a boy, they immediately knew what to name him. They hadn't, however, anticipated Nathan Daniel Brooks-Ramsey to ask such a question this soon.

Seeing his wife at a loss for words, Ethan spoke up. “C’mere Nate.” He pulled him closer and pressed a kiss atop his head. “We once had a friend named Daniel. He worked at the hospital as a nurse, and he was close to your mom and Aunt Sienna when they were interns.”

Having found her voice, Alyssa joined in. “He was an amazing friend. He was the only nurse in the hospital who helped me out when things got messy, and cheered up Aunt Sienna when no one else could. He’d join us for picnics and movie nights, and you could always count on him if you needed something at the hospital.” She took a deep breath, and Ethan nodded. “Things were going well, but then in my second year, something really bad happened.”

“Oh no.”

“There was this bad guy, who wanted his revenge on another bad guy, and he was ready to risk his own life, and the lives of everyone around him to do so.”

“That’s horrible! Who would want to do something like that?”

Ethan smiled wistfully. “A lot of people in this world actually do. You’re a good person, so you know that it’s wrong. But some people aren’t, and they don’t care about other people getting hurt because of their actions. That night at the hospital, Danny tried to tell the bad guy that it was wrong, and to think things through. But he didn’t listen, and did something that hurt both himself, Danny, Uncle Raf, another friend of ours, and your mom.”

His little eyebrows creased with worry, Nathan asked, “What happened then?”

“He… he died. Along with our other friend, Bobby. Do you remember what we once told you about an autopsy?” Nathan nodded his head. “Well Danny asked for his body to be autopsied, and thanks to him, we were able to find out what was wrong with mom and Uncle Raf.”

He fell silent for a moment, remembering the horrors of the day, and how eternally grateful he was to Danny for being the reason he didn’t lose everything. He couldn’t imagine a life without the love of his life and his children, and he wouldn’t have either if not for the sacrifices that were made.

He looked up at Alyssa, and she squeezed his hand in support. “We’ll tell you more when you’re older, but to make it short, you’re named after a hero too. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have you, your sisters, or mom here with me.”

Nathan wriggled out of his dad’s arms, and set Ivy down so he could hug his mom as tightly as he could.

“Well… if you can hear me Mr. Daniel, I just wanna thank you. Thanks for saving my mom. I love her so much and I’m so thankful that I got to meet her because of what you did. I wish I could’ve met you, you sound like a really cool person, and I’m sure you were. So yeah, thanks. A lot.”

Alyssa’s eyes glimmered with unshed tears, and she held her son as she expressed her silent thanks along with Ethan.

What they had was precious.

Fifteen years had passed since they first met, and yet each day they fell in love a little more like they did when they held hands for the first time in the dim light of the NICU watching over little Ethan, or when she finally got to see the real him the first time she visited his place; the first time in years he let someone know a little of the worries residing deep in his heart.

With all the odds against them, it was a miracle that they survived, even more so that they managed to raise three perfect children who had more love to share than they could ever comprehend.

And they’d never forget all the reasons that made it possible for them to survive.

Ding!

The timer on the oven went off, and they got to their feet to get the chicken.

“Was he a good cook dad?”

“I… don’t really know, Nate. Your mom knew him better than I did.”

“Well there was this one time where he helped Aunt Sienna bake an amazing cake, so I guess he knew his way around the kitchen.”, Alyssa recollected fondly. It was for Jackie’s birthday, one of the few nights where the competition was completely forgotten about.

Nathan’s face melted into a glowing smile. “I love cake. So I guess I really would’ve loved him.”

She mirrored his radiant expression. “You definitely would’ve.”

“Why don’t you go play with Ivy while mom and I get the food ready? You can help us with the dessert later.”

“We’re having dessert?!”

Ethan grinned at his son’s excitement. “You bet we are.”

“Yay!” They watched as Nathan ran off to go play fetch with Ivy in their enormous backyard.

Ethan pulled Alyssa in for a sweet, lingering kiss as soon as he was out of sight.

“You’ve been wanting to do that for a while now hmm?”

“Something like that.”, he murmured as they broke apart.

She could see the ever-increasing strands of silver in his brown hair, and the faint wrinkles along the sides of his forehead, but his clear blue eyes were just as loving and devoted as she remembered from over a decade ago.

“We have a pretty good life, don’t we?”

Ethan kissed her again. “No, we have the perfect life.”

——————————

A/N 2: Aaaand I’m going MIA again. Honestly though, to everyone who’s read so far, thank you so much for sticking around. Means the world💙

P.S: I finally chose Chyler Leigh as my face claim!

Taglist: @whimsicallywayward15 @aleynareads @starrystarrytrouble @dxnicaramsey @decadentwinnerjudgedream @ilikemenbutonlyethanramsey @rookiefromedenbrook @eramsey28 @the-pale-goddess @ohchoices @wellhelloramsey @mvalentine @swiftlydarcy @utterlyinevitable @akshara16 @sushiharrington @drethanramslay @lion-ess24 @whippedforethanfreakingramsey @drariellevalentine @perriewinklenerdie @blossomanarchy @stateofgracious @takemyopenheart @open-heart-ramseyyy @maurine07 @udishaman @queencarb @ethanramseylover @rookiemarsswiftie @aworldoffandoms @lsvdw-blog @n03lia @openheartfanfics @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfan @jamespotterthefirst @senseofduties

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[tomboyneedshercoffee]

Lovedust Pt.8 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader

Summary: Y/N and Josh talk things over about where they stand as Y/N tries to build the courage to confess to Peter. One night on top of the roof, Y/N and Peter reveal any secrets they’ve been keeping from each other. 

Word Count: 5k

Author’s Note: This is technically the last part of Lovedust but there will be an epilogue. I was going to go a whole different direction and make it too angsty because sometimes, life works out that way but you guys deserve a happy ending ;) This series was only meant to be about three parts long but because of ow supportive and kind you all have been, I just have no words except thank you all so much. I will give a better thank you for the epilogue  but until then, enjoy the chapter. 

Warning: adult language

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven || part eight || epilogue 

You stared up at your bedroom ceiling quietly, picking at the stitching of your blanket to the point where you had about four inches of loose thread massaged between your thumb and middle finger.

Three minutes. 

Peter was presumed dead for three minutes as you were giving him CPR that was literally a race against the clock. One hundred eighty seconds was the span between life or death and you couldn’t help but think of what if you had stopped after a minute? What about one hundred and seventy-nine seconds?

Three minutes. Your mind was so fucked that the only thing you could compare the time to was that Peter was dead longer than the time it took to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave.

You thought back to the time where you had gone to California with Tony where you were alone in the hotel room while he had a conference. You remembered how scared you felt when the ground started to shake underneath you as the earth rolled underneath.

That earthquake must’ve only lasted fifteen seconds tops and yet, you felt like it was an eternity of shielding yourself underneath one of the desks that would’ve surely broken if the roof caved in overhead.

It’s odd how times works, whenever you’re in a dangerous situation, your body literally slows downtime so you can have the best chance at survival. So while those three minutes didn’t seem like a long time, the lingering fear of losing Peter after everything sent your body through emotional distress like no other.

It felt like a cruel joke; you had only come to realize you were in love with him when he was dying in front of you. What was even crueler was that even though everything seemed less complicated now that you really understood how you felt about him, it was only the tip of the iceberg.

It had been a few days since you had seen Peter since the night of the party and you felt like you were slowly losing your sanity. Your dad tried convincing you that Peter needed to be monitored for a while but maybe he just wanted you two to stay away from each other since you practically almost killed him by kissing Josh.

You loved Peter and he “loved” you yet once he was cured, he wouldn’t share the same feelings for you. What would happen once he was cured? How different would things be between you, especially since you would be having feelings for someone who doesn’t love you back? 

Loving someone who surely wasn’t in love with you felt like a whole new level of self-destruction.

Your phone rang from underneath your pillow and temporarily interrupted your thoughts. You reached under the pillow to pull out your phone to find that Josh was calling you. 

You inhaled sharply as you practically leaped out from under your covers, unsure of what to do. 

The last you heard from Josh was the night of the party but just like Peter, you hadn’t seen or spoke to him since. That wasn’t the full truth, Josh had been texting you to make sure you were okay but you didn’t have the strength to even reply to his worried texts. 

Poor Josh. He felt like an innocent bystander who got hit in the crossfire of what was going on between you and Peter.

In past relationships, you were like Josh. Your past boyfriends seem to always treat you as a rebound, a backup in case things went south and as gross as it made you feel, it was like you could sort of understand why your exes felt that way.

You didn’t want to lead Josh on, he was too nice of a guy to deserve that type of treatment. Your thumb hovered over the screen and you answered his call at the last second. He deserved that at the least.

“ Hey sorry, I was um, preoccupied. Is everything okay?” You asked as you started to pace your room.

“ I was going to ask the same for you. You haven’t been answering my texts and I was getting worried.”

You bit the inside of your cheek as a wave of guilt washed over you,” Y-Yeah I’m sorry. I’ve just been going through some stuff. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“ You don’t have to apologize, I get it. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something in person, are you doing anything at the moment? 

You rolled your shoulders back as you let out a deep sigh. In all honesty, you didn’t feel like leaving your room but if you were going to pick Peter over Josh, you also would have to owe him an explanation.

“ Okay, where do you want to meet?”

“ We can meet outside your complex, I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“ Oh that’s probably easier anyway, when are you gonna come over?” You asked as you fell backwards onto your bed.

“ Um...I’m already outside.”

Your eyes widened as you scrambled over to your window to squint out towards the entrance. Sure enough, if you squinted really hard, you could make out Josh’s car outside the front gate.

“ Oh fuck! Sorry um, I’m coming out now!” You didn’t bother to let Josh respond as you hung up the phone and practically rushed out of your bedroom.

You practically sprinted across the front lawn all the way to the entrance and once you opened the gate, you leaned your body against the side of Josh’s car to help catch your breath.  

“ You didn’t have to run all the way here, I could’ve waited,” Josh said with a smile as he watched you struggling.

“ I know,” You huffed as you felt yourself calm down,” but it would have been awkward if you just stood there for five minutes and watched me walk the whole way.”

“ Okay, that’s fair,” Josh chuckled as he leaned against the side of his car beside you,” I wanted to talk to you about the night of the party. I just want to make sure you’re okay and I’m sorry if I overstepped by kissing you. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

You felt your heartstrings tug at his words as you looked down at your flip flops. You didn’t know how to explain to him that he wasn’t the one who overstepped but that the kiss was never supposed to happen. 

“ You don’t have to apologize Josh and you didn’t make me uncomfortable at all. It’s just...I know how you feel about me and don’t get me wrong, I’m so flattered that you actually like me because to be honest, you’re way out of my league but um,” You awkwardly rubbed your sweaty hands against your pajama bottoms and let out a shaky breath,” I thought things were fine and that they would go back to normal but um, things kinda just happened and you were there and I thought hey he’s cute, like super cute, and Kim was being so pushy-”

“ I know you have feelings for Peter, it’s okay Y/N,” Josh interrupted as he took a moment before wincing,” I didn’t mean to interrupt you but I had a feeling that’s where you were heading with it. Plus you ramble when you’re nervous and I don’t want you to say something embarrassing. ”

Bless his soul, Josh really would be the death of you.

“ Is it that obvious I like him?” 

“ Painfully obvious yeah. I kinda figured you two had something going on but after you gave him CPR and you two gave each other that look, that’s when it all clicked for me,” Josh said as you felt the tips of your ears get hot.

“ Josh, I am so sorry. I really mean it when I say that you’re the sweetest guy I have ever met and I really do wish you the best,” You answered honestly and you felt even guiltier when Josh only shrugged, a small smile tugging at his lips.

You couldn’t believe that even now as you were telling Josh you didn’t share feelings for him that he was still being incredibly sweet towards you. 

“ Same goes for you, I hope he treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I have to be honest and say that I can’t get rid of my feelings for you overnight but hopefully we can be friends somewhere along the line,” Josh offered as you felt your heart snap in two.

As you looked back at Josh, that’s when you could really make out the distinct difference between the two boys. You weren’t sure if what Josh was saying was truthful, he was harder to read than Peter and even though his mouth was saying one thing, you could see that there was some pain behind his brown eyes that told a different story. 

Yet nonetheless, you admired that Josh, despite having the full right to completely guilt you and make you feel like shit because of what happened, still chose to put any malicious intent aside for your own good.  

“ Is it okay if I hug you?” You asked as Josh returned a sweet smile, embracing you in his strong arms. 

Despite the heaviness in Josh’s chest, he felt his heart flutter at the feeling of your body pressed against his. The hug was short but even in those few seconds, Josh felt himself trying to take a mental picture of this moment, something he would replay over and over as he did his best to get over you. 

After Josh had left, you made your way back into your cave and hid out in your room for the rest of the night. You had school first thing in the morning and yet, you found yourself tossing and turning yet again. 

To cure your restless mind, you left your room and headed into the kitchen to make tea. You were never the type to drink tea but you didn’t have the patience to just lay in bed, at least this way you were occupying your mind with something else.

As the water boiled, you kept your eyes on Peter’s bedroom door, your knee bouncing up and down as if you were anticipating him opening it. You wondered how he was feeling, considering he almost died and all.

You just wished you could have the confidence to just go up and talk to him, to admit that it was him all along and that you chose him. 

You poured the tea into a mug and cradled it in your hands carefully as a pair of feet made their way into the kitchen. You turned around, anticipating Peter’s face but instead, you looked up to see your dad.

“ You didn’t hear it from me but Peter is up on the roof waiting for you. Just in case if you were wondering,” Tony said as he nonchalantly dragged his finger across the countertop and peeked his head towards your tea,” aren’t you glad I made you learn CPR? I know it was part of your lifeguard course but I’m glad it came in handy.”

“  Too soon,” You sighed as you watched your dad haphazardly look through the cupboards,” and I wasn’t wondering about Peter. I’m just minding my own business and then I’m heading to bed.”

“ Minding your own business? That’s not the Y/N I know.”

“ Well, what would the Y/N you know do?” You asked as you looked down at the inside of your mug,” am I supposed to just run over to the roof and profess my love for him?” 

Tony furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head,” I never said anything about love kiddo but the Y/N I know loves to talk so yeah, I expect some emotional reunion of the sort. You’ve always been known to be a bit theatrical.”

“ And who do you think I get that from?”

“ The one and only Potts,” Tony chuckled as a small smile crept onto your lips,” I don’t know what to say because I don’t think I can bring myself to give my daughter relationship advice about a guy who lives only a few doors down. If anything, it’s against my best interest but I will make this the one exception where I will intervene simply because if I don’t, no one else will. I think you should talk to Peter. He’s been through a lot and he has some things he needs to talk to you about.”

” Well he’s the one avoiding me so maybe he should come over and say it to my face,” You didn’t know why you turned so aggressive but you took a small sip of your tea to try and ease your nerves,” I know he’s been through a lot but we both have. That night of the party was just...too much for me. ”

“ You really are my daughter, always making it about you. You gotta give the kid a break.”

“ I- Dad it is all about me. That night fucking-not sorry- sucked and I don’t know what else to say. I jumped into a pool with my clothes on and I thought Peter was dead-”

“ But he’s not dead. He’s alive and breathing and waiting for you on the roof like I told you,” Tony interrupted as you exhaled slowly,” you love him, it’s a fathers worst nightmare but even I can see clear as day that you have feelings for him, are you going to tell me I’m wrong?”

You liked to think you knew yourself better than anyone else and for the most part, it was true. Tony was probably the closest to knowing who you really were as a person and yet, everything he was saying still wasn’t enough to make you less paranoid.

“ I wouldn’t say you’re wrong but I’m too scared to say out loud that you’re right,” You said as Tony rolled his eyes,” what? What did I say?”

“ You love to talk and yet, you never say enough. I don’t have the patience to stand here and listen to you beat around the bush,” Tony kneeled down towards one of the cupboards and grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the shelf,” you have a problem. Let me know how things go with Peter. Or don’t. I’ll find out anyway.”

You stood there, mouth wide open as you watched Tony playfully bump into your shoulder, what a bastard,” Yeah sure! You’re the one drinking at three am but I’m the problem?”

Tony only gave you a hasty wave before turning the corner to where the elevators were, leaving you alone in the kitchen. He was right, everything he was saying made perfect sense and yet, it annoyed you on how right he was.

You had absolutely no idea how to start a conversation with Peter now that you were sure of your feelings and yet, all you wanted to do was find him and reveal everything to him. You looked between your bedroom door and the elevators. You could either go back to bed or you could talk to Peter and nervously choke on your words like a schoolgirl.

Fuck no.

You walked over to your room with your mug in one hand but before you could open the door, your legs started to move in the direction of the elevators, seemingly with a mind of their own.

Fuck it.

You stepped into the elevator and made your way up the floors until you hit the roof access. You hardly spent any of your time on the roof since you had no reason to ever be up there in the first place but once you opened the door,  you were immediately taken aback.

The greenroof took up almost half of the roof itself, the addition being nothing more than a general garden area to look aesthetically pleasing from the sky. Since most of the energy needed to run the facility was either solar or space related, the greenroof was more of a private garden that didn’t account for energy efficiency.

A mixture of moss and summer grass covered the roof in a thick blanket that never grew beyond the border of the garden and at first glance, the brightly freckled flowers planted along the pathway seemed random but as you walked down the graveled path, you could tell that there was some element of planning that went along with it.

Along the pathway stood different hues of green bonsai trees that stood tall and proud in their wooden boxes. You were so focused on the bonsais that you didn’t notice Peter sitting on one of the benches about a couple of yards away.

Your breath hitched in your throat but your feet continued to crunch along the graveled pathway as you made your way over to him. From Peter’s spot underneath the patio, he could hear you walking towards him but kept his eyes looking straight forward, unable to tear them away from the cityscape in the far distance.

You hesitantly took a seat beside Peter on the wooden bench and tucked your legs back so you could rest the mug on your thigh. The lights that Peter had strung up a few weeks back had lost it’s brightness, leaving behind a faded orange glow in its place but it was just the right amount of light needed to where you could read his expression carefully.

“ How are you feeling?” You asked quietly as you attempted to get a feel for what mindset Peter was in.

“ Good, I feel good,” Peter said back, almost quieter than the volume you started out with,” how are you feeling?”

While both of your minds were racing at the thought of the other person, the thoughts suddenly felt almost too personal, the atmosphere being instantly filled with the conversations you two weren’t having.

Out of the two of you, Peter felt like he had more to share and yet, more to hide. You were still completely clueless on the following; A) Peter was cured B) You cured him because of the kiss and C) He loved you back

It seemed like a dream come true, Peter was still in love with you without the lovedust and you felt the same way towards him and yet, he was still terrified. As everything began to feel more and more real, suddenly the idea of being with you made his chest tighten up.

He never knew if he could ever admit it outloud but he was scared that you liked him back because what if after all this time, after all the trials and tribulation the two of you had gone through, what if you two still didn’t work out?

There was so much history between the two of you and he was worried that all of the heartbreak and pining wouldn’t be worth it in the end. He loved you so much to where he knew that he needed you no matter what. It only hurt him more to think that from your last argument, you couldn’t even bring yourself to admit to him that you loved him. 

Now that you were here in front of him, Peter would make sure you wouldn’t leave without hearing you say it back. 

As Peter tried to carefully put his thoughts in order like he had practiced, you thought back to what your dad had told you and decided that you needed to start somewhere and you had to do that by being honest.

“ I’ve been struggling these last couple of days with what happened at the party. I can’t tell how you guilty I feel for putting you through so much pain and I wish I could take it all back. I feel so guilty because it was my fault you died- did you know that? I know the paramedics talked to you but you were dead for three minutes Peter and honestly, that was one of the worst moments of my life. I mean it’s up there with what happened to my parents,” You paused as you remembered to take a breath,” I don’t know what I would’ve done if something had happened to you.”

Peter felt his mouth dry up and for a moment, it was hard to swallow,” You didn’t kill me, you saved me. I still feel like I might be in shock from it all but I don’t blame you for anything that happened. I’m sorry I even put you through that cause I’m sure it was...a lot. But don’t ever say that you killed me, none of it was your fault.”

“ It was my fault. If it wasn’t for me and Josh-,” You stopped yourself before saying more. You didn’t want to talk about Josh, all you cared about was Peter but now, the thought was evident in Peter’s mind and he couldn’t seem to shake it out of him.

The image of you kissing Josh replayed in Peter’s head over and over again as his heart ached. Josh made things more complicated than they already were.

Peter’s biggest fear was losing you but to lose you to another guy? And yet, it still made Peter feel like he was between a rock and a hard place because Peter had only meant Josh on one occasion and it was enough to give Peter an idea that Josh didn’t have cruel intentions towards you.

Just because you loved Peter didn’t mean that you didn’t have feelings for Josh and that’s what made Peter crazy. You must’ve liked Josh enough to return the kiss right?

“ He’s a good guy, I see why you like him,” Peter finally said as he shifted awkwardly in his seat, not knowing what else to say,” he would make you happy.”

The comment shakes you in an uncomfortable way, was that supposed to make you feel better? Your annoyance was jealousy in disguise, you didn’t want to talk about Josh, you were here to tell Peter how you actually felt about him but because of how Peter was delivering it, it seemed like he was giving you an out.

“ It’s not- I don’t like Josh like that.”

“ You kissed him, I saw the whole thing. Do you just go around kissing people you supposedly don’t like?” Peter couldn’t help himself and let the words slip out so easily.

It was a low blow and the two of you both knew it. 

It took every fiber of your being not to lash out at the accusation because you knew Peter had a right to be upset but you didn’t like what he was insinuating and you didn’t want the conversation to take a bad turn,” You don’t have to worry about Josh anymore. If you want me to be honest, yes, I thought there was something there but things changed. I came to talk to you because my dad said you needed to tell me something important but if you’re going to just sit here and belittle me, I’m not gonna take it. I get it, the lovedust is messing with your emotions but I’m extremely sensitive tonight, more than usual so just come back to me when you’re calm.”

You got up from your seat with a quickness but before you could step off the patio, Peter grabbed your wrist and pulled you back towards the corner of the bench.

Peter felt like such an idiot, whenever he got anxious on the fine details, he had a tendency to let the big picture escape him but it was something he knew he needed to work on while he was around you. He wasn’t going to let the conversation die just before it had started, he knew his big mouth tended to escalate conversations with you but he couldn’t let you go, not this time.

“ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’m just frustrated because this feels so one-sided. I never know what you’re thinking because you never tell me anything. You always avoid answering the question but I need more,” Peter practically begged as you felt yourself get a bit aggravated,” I am being calm but I’m desperate at this point. I need to know how you feel about me, don’t try to change the subject, I need to know. Tell me how I make you feel.”

Your tongue felt heavy in your mouth as you pulled your hand away from Peter so you could regain your thoughts without him distracting you. You were suddenly chickening out, you had never felt so nervous in your entire life and you wanted to tell him how much you loved him. You wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear but it wasn’t easy taking a step forward when you don't know where your foot will fall.

“ This is hard for me Peter, I’m trying my best and I’m sorry if it isn’t good enough but ever since the lovedust, the dynamic is different and you’ve changed. It’s so much to get used to because of...how I feel towards you,” You said as Peter let out a frustrated breath.

He hated this feeling of going back and forth, he didn’t want to hear any of it. All he wanted was to just shake your shoulders because in his mind, you had no reason to be hesitant on opening up to him,” The lovedust didn’t change just me, it changed you too! I was vulnerable and I opened up to you, I showed you how I felt about you every second of the day but you have given me nothing!”

Nothing.

That word made your blood boil because nothing? Just because it was hard for you to let your emotions out didn’t mean Peter was getting nothing back in return. Since he was infected with the lovedust, you had been doing your best to open yourself more to him and you thought you had been doing a good job.

After all those years of Peter belittling you and tearing you down, of course, you would be a bit hesitant to let down your guard and yet, you did it anyway. It took so much to get to where you were comfortable with Peter to be vulnerable, especially when you broke down from your nightmare of your parents.

To break down and crumble in front of Peter wasn’t an accident, you could only be that vulnerable if you knew that he could help piece you back together.

“ Nothing? I gave you nothing?” You spat as you felt your eyes tear up,” I saved your life! I gave you the breath in my lungs to stop you from dying! I don’t owe you anything, I don’t need to prove shit to you!”

Peter stood up from the bench and while his heart ached from seeing you so upset, he knew that he couldn’t hold back,” Don’t pull that with me Y/N, you know you haven’t been honest with me. We both know that we can’t live without the other so don’t act like you did me a favor by saving me. Why won’t you admit it, even after everything we’ve been through, you’re still scared to just admit that you might love me!”

And just like that, you felt yourself let go.

“Of course I’m scared! I’m fucking terrified Peter! Is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to admit that me almost losing you would’ve broken me? Because you’re right! Yes, I love you!” You cried out as you took in a shaky breath,” I love you so much it hurts me and I didn’t understand how badly I loved you until I almost lost you! All I could think about when I was trying to save you was never hearing your laugh and never feeling your touch and I swear Peter, if you died, I would’ve never forgiven myself. I’m sorry it took me so long to say it but I love you.  But none of it matters, you know why? Because you’re sick in the head, the lovedust is fucking with you and now it’s fucking with me!”

There it was, finally. After all of that time denying it and trying to hide your feelings to save your own sanity, you finally confessed. You had so many chances to confess that yes, it really was him all along. 

When he came into your room and comforted you through your nightmare to the two of you shouting at each other in the rain, you had always loved him. 

Even though Peter knew how you felt about him, this was the first time he heard it with his own ears and it was like hearing the symphony for the first time. Like your own soundtrack that swelled during the climax of the movie that was you and Peter, Peter could listen to you say it over and over again.

He didn’t care that most of your confession involved a string of swear words because, without them, it wouldn’t have been your true self. He knew once he admitted to you that he was cured, there would be no going back.

“ The lovedust is gone Y/N. When you kissed me- or saved me by giving mouth to mouth- the lovedust flushed out of my system completely. Banner did extra tests and he confirmed that I’m okay and back to normal all because of you.”

Your heart dropped to the floor as your eyes raked up Peter, testing to see if he was lying but he didn’t falter. This is what you were afraid of, confessing everything to him only to find out that he didn’t love you anymore but who would’ve thought it would be you to make him go back to normal.

And yet, a huge part of you was relieved because finally, the lovedust was gone. You didn’t need to worry about it ever screwing with you and Peter again but as you studied his expression, your chest felt heavy.  

You had seemingly set up your own demise,” Oh, that’s good...I’m happy for you.”

You felt yourself take a step back but Peter reached his hand out to softly hold yours. You pulled your hand away but Peter swatted your stubbornness away and held your hand tighter. He rubbed his thumb over your knuckles and when he looked back up at you, he felt his heart swell.

“ And yet, even though the pain is gone, I feel more love for you now than I have ever felt in my entire life. I understand what they mean when they say love hurts but if anything, it heals even more because you made me feel whole again. When you saved me and the first thing I saw was you looking back at me, it was like I was given a second chance to love you the right way, the way you were meant to be loved.”

“You were right, the lovedust made me fall in love with you but ever since you cured me, it was only a matter of admitting to myself that deep down, I’ve always cared about you. It opened my eyes and showed me that I will never have to look further in finding the one for me because you are everything and more,” Peter said as you moved your eyes from the floor to his figure,” I love you. I mean it. No exceptions, no strings attached, no lovedust required.”

Right then and there, you were at a loss for everything you could possibly hold; no words, no breath, no thoughts. Any resentment you held had shattered into microscopic pieces that would dissolve once crushed between something as delicate as your fingertips because he said everything you wanted to hear.

“ You love me?” You said quietly to where Peter made you repeat yourself,” Are you serious? Do you really mean it?”

Peter nodded and softly let out an ‘ of course I do’ as he brushed his fingers lightly over your cheek. He cupped your face gently with one hand as his thumb wiped away a stray tear,” Can I finally kiss you?”  

Peter’s cheeks grew red as you nodded and leaned into his touch, innocently brushing your lips against his. Peter dipped his head down to close the space between the two of you and kissed you so softly, you had to pull him closer to you to actually kiss him back.

Even though Peter was the one who asked, he felt completely unprepared kissing you back. He had imagined over and over how warm your lips would be against his but now that he was actually kissing you, he didn’t think he had enough self-control to ever stop kissing you.

You never knew a kiss could be innocent and yet so intimate but as his lips moved in perfect sync, any other logistics of the feeling went away because all you could think about was Peter. You practically melted into his touch but before you could savor the kiss, Peter pulled away breathless.

“ S-Sorry, I forgot to breathe,” Peter gushed as you smiled back up at him,” what does this mean for us now?”

You traced your finger along Peter’s wrist as you thought quietly,” I don’t know but we can figure it out together.”

Peter hummed happily before dipping his head down to kiss you and when he pulled away, he fell himself falling in love with you all over again.

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[bloody-bee-tea]

Vision

Jiang Cheng tries his best to appear unaffected, but going by how skittish his disciples are around him, he’s not quite managing it.

But Jiang Cheng can’t help it; it’s the first time since Lotus Pier burned and he rebuilt it, that another Sect Leader is coming to visit and Jing Cheng feels like he’s being tested.

He doesn’t like that feeling one bit.

Jiang Cheng straightens up, when the first disciple comes into view, because he’s going to excel whatever test this is, and if it’s going to kill him. 

“Jiang-xiong,” Nie Huaisang calls out when they are still a good distance away, but Jiang Cheng can still see how Nie Mingjue rolls his eyes at his over-enthusiastic brother and a tiny part of Jiang Cheng relaxes. Their relationship is a bittersweet-familiar one and Jiang Cheng thinks if they are just here to check in on him, then he can do this.

“Nie-zongzhu,” Jiang Cheng greets Nie Mingjue, bowing low, because even though they are both Sect Leaders now their status couldn’t be more different.

Yunmeng Jiang barely escaped extinction while Qinghe Nie came away as the victor of the Sunshot Campaign, despite the losses they had to endure.

“So formal, Jiang-xiong,” Nie Huaisang complaints and his brother cuffs him over the head for his troubles.

“At least he remembers his manners,” Nie Mingjue says with a sigh and slightly shakes his head when Nie Huaisang makes puppy eyes at him over his fan.

“We’re old friends, there’s no need to be this formal,” Nie Huaisang whines and something in Jiang Cheng goes warm and pleased to hear that Nie Huaisang still considers them friends, even after everything that happened.

“Jiang-zongzhu, please excuse my brother,” Nie Mingjue tells him, overly formal and stiff, but there’s a teasing glint in his eyes and Nie Huaisang puffs out his cheeks in mock outrage.

Jiang Cheng has to bite back a laugh at that, and when Nie Huaisang whirls around to him, he at least pretends to be serious.

“Let me show you to your rooms, you must be exhausted after the travel,” Jiang Cheng says, remembering his manners and starts to lead the Nie delegation towards the guest quarters.

They haven’t been one of his priorities during rebuilding Lotus Pier, but when Nie Mingjue’s formal request of a visit reached him, Jiang Cheng had done his utmost best to get them ready.

He does not want anyone to complain about his hosting skills; besides hurting his pride it would seriously damage the image of his Sect and truth be told, they can’t take much more.

They are barely scraping by as it is.

“It almost looks the same,” Nie Mingjue says suddenly when they are halfway there and Jiang Cheng stiffens. “I heard everything burned down?”

“It did,” Jiang Cheng presses out and he tries to see Lotus Pier with Nie Mingjue’s eyes, but all he can see are the smouldering remains of what used to be his home.

No matter how he rebuilds it, in his mind it will always be the new Lotus Pier. And no matter how he tries to make it look the same, there are subtle differences. Enough of them to make him wonder what his parents would say of it; what his sister and Wei Wuxian would say of it.

Jiang Cheng thinks at least his mother would scold him for not remembering his home correctly and doing such a piss-poor job.

“You did a great job rebuilding it,” Nie Mingjue tells him and Jiang Cheng works his jaw.

“Thank you,” he gets out.

“Did you do a lot of the construction work?” 

“Of course I did,” Jiang Cheng stiffly says. 

Mostly because there was no one else around who remembered how Lotus Pier used to look like, but also because Jiang Cheng would never only order his disciples around. If he isn’t willing to do something, how can he ask the same of his people?

“Would you like to compare notes later? I did a fair share of construction in Qinghe myself and there are not many Sect Leaders I can talk to about this. Jin Guangshan is not known to get his hands dirty like that,” Nie Mingjue says, and Jiang Cheng can feel the rage bubble up inside him again.

How dare Nie Mingjue say this; how dare he imply that Jiang Cheng’s work isn’t up to par, that he’s lowering himself to do the dirty work. It’s hitting a very vulnerable part of Jiang Cheng, because his father used to say the same whenever Jiang Cheng was quick to help people rebuild after a flood or another disaster.

His mother only ever watched him with piercing eyes, but his father was of the firm believe that they had disciples for this exact reason.

And to hear these similar words out of Nie Mingjue’s mouth now makes his blood boil with anger.

But Jiang Cheng can’t afford to offend Nie Mingjue and Qinghe Nie, so he forces a smile on his face.

“Sure,” he says, aiming for a light tone, but going by the small frown on Nie Mingjue’s face he doesn’t quite manage to do that.

“Jiang-xiong, are you alright?” Nie Huaisang asks, flicking his fan open and moving it in a nervous gesture.

“Of course I am,” Jiang Cheng gives back, because he can’t afford to be anything else.

Not with reconstruction still going on and especially not with Jin Ling being at Lotus Pier at the moment.

Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang share a look at that, one that makes Jiang Cheng’s skin crawl, but he clenches his jaw and simply shows them to their quarters. 

He can’t afford to make a mess of the situation, so he swallows all of his rude remarks down and bids them a farewell once he’s sure they are situated.

Jiang Cheng flees and then spends the rest of the afternoon trying to get himself back together. He appointed his most trusted disciple to keep an eye on the Nie delegation, in case they need something and so he spends his time pretending that he’s not vibrating out of his skin with nervousness about this visit.

The first day passes without another incident, and on the second da Jiang Cheng almost feels like himself again. He spends breakfast with the Nie’s, entirely unremarkable except for Nie Huaisang’s incessant shatter and Nie Mingjue’s fond eyerolls, and then he leaves for the training grounds.

He might have to entertain guests, but he’s still the Sect Leader and since they are still in the process of building up again, there are not enough disciples who could reliably teach the new ones. 

It’s just one of the many things Jiang Cheng has to oversee himself, so he’s standing at the side-lines, watching his disciples in their training fights.

There are a lot of different styles, since he simply picked up any willing cultivator he could find and while it looks chaotic, it certainly has its merits.

At least the Yunmeng Jiang will always be unpredictable, Jiang Cheng thinks when he watches one of the kids he picked up on the street go for the hair of her opponent.

“Sect Leader Jiang,” Nie Mingjue suddenly says from beside him and Jiang Cheng stiffens.

“Sect Leader Jiang was my father,” he gives back, because it still feels wrong to be addressed like this.

“Jiang Wanyin, then?” Nie Mingjue asks his eyes never leaving the training disciples. 

“Yes,” Jiang Cheng agrees and he sees Nie Mingjue nod from the corner of his eyes.

“Nie Mingjue, then,” Nie Mingjue tells him and while it feels so wrong to address Nie Mingjue this casually, Jiang Cheng nods as well.

He keeps his gaze trained on his disciples, hoping that Nie Mingjue will get bored and leave, even though he should offer some entertainment to him, but Nie Mingjue stays where he is.

“They have an interesting fighting style,” Nie Mingjue eventually says, almost offhandedly and Jiang Cheng tenses again. 

He has a snappish reply on his tongue, but then his attention is brought back to one of the disciples who make a grievous mistake with the sword and Jiang Cheng is walking up to him, before he can consciously decide to do so.

The disciple tenses in apparent fear, seemingly ready to accept Jiang Cheng’s scolding, and he does scold. A lot. And then he shows the disciple how it’s done right and from that point on it just goes downhill because everyone keeps asking him about this technique and that form and before he knows it Jiang Cheng was roped into giving a lesson.

And all the while Nie Mingjue stayed at the side-lines, silently watching them.

“Apologies,” Jiang Cheng says when he finally manages to get away from his disciples. 

“No need,” Nie Mingjue easily says. “You’re good with them.”

Jiang Cheng snorts bitterly at that, because he knows that more than half of them are deathly afraid of him, like the old disciples were of his mother, and the other half barely has the respect for him that he deserves, but there is nothing he can do about it. 

It is what it is, he just doesn’t need Nie Mingjue to rub it in even more.

“Let me show you around Lotus Pier,” Jiang Cheng says instead of saying something biting, something that he will regret later, and as if on cue Nie Huaisang materializes next to them.

“I would love to see everything!” he exclaims, not so subtly elbowing Nie Mingjue into the side and Jiang Cheng frowns as he wonders what’s that all about.

“Yes, that would be—nice,” Nie Mingjue says and the delay is noticeable enough that Jiang Cheng can tell that he does not care to see Lotus Pier at all.

Still, he has appearances to hold up, so he dutifully shows them around and with Nie Huaisang’s excitement it’s almost not awkward at all.

“I’m sorry we’re taking up so much of your time,” Nie Mingjue says when Nie Huaisang ran yet again to another stall and Jiang Cheng shrugs awkwardly.

He wants to ask why exactly they are here, but he really does not want to hear that this is an inspection and so in the end he stays silent for so long that answering would be awkward.

So instead he points out one of his own favourite stalls and it seems to be enough for Nie Mingjue to relax, because his shoulders slump and Jiang Cheng hadn’t even realized that he was so tense.

It seems that even if this is an inspection Nie Mingjue is also in great need of some relaxing downtime himself and even though they just came out of near extinction, even though they are barely scraping by, the Yunmeng Jiang always knew how to have fun.

“Come,” Jiang Cheng tells them out of the blue and leads Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingjue towards one of the outer piers. 

They can hear laughter and yelling before they even get close and both Nie’s seem rather intrigued by that. 

When they finally come into view of the people playing in the water, they stop and Jiang Cheng gives them some time to catch up on the game rules before he speaks again.

“You’re free to join them if you want,” he says and while Nie Huaisang’s eyes go wide Nie Mingjue smiles at him before he reaches for his belt, clearly content to let his clothes drop right where they stand, like the other disciples as well.

Jiang Cheng did not calculate for that at all and he hurriedly averts his eyes from the new stripe of skin that Nie Mingjue reveals.

“Do you have many games like this?” he asks as he gets off his shoes and Jiang Cheng tenses again.

He wonders what it is about Nie Mingjue that always so easily hits him where it hurts; to imply that they do nothing but play is a blow Jiang Cheng is not sure how to deal with. It brings back memories of Wei Wuxian, whining at him to join them in their game, and of his mother’s cutting voice berating him that an heir shouldn’t spent his time with useless play like this.

But before Jiang Cheng can figure out how to reply to Nie Mingjue, Nie Mingjue already jumped into the water, clearly ready to get right in on the fun, and Jiang Cheng is left with Nie Huaisang on the pier.

“Da-ge doesn’t get enough fun,” Nie Huaisang says from behind his fan. “Being Sect Leader is so demanding and it’s good that he gets to enjoy himself a little here.”

Jiang Cheng bites back on the words that being a Sect Leader is not supposed to be fun, and instead he only awkwardly shrugs, making Nie Huaisang frown at him again.

“Why don’t you join them as well?” Nie Huaisang asks with a curious glance and Jiang Cheng scoffs.

“Not all of us have the time to play around like this,” he bites out and when he sees Nie Huaisang flinch Jiang Cheng turns away from him.

“Feel free to roam Lotus Pier as you see fit, there will be people around to answer your questions,” Jiang Cheng tells him, head held high and then he simply marches off.

He’s aching with the want to join his disciples in the water; he misses playing around like that. But he knows that the moment he would start to shed his clothes people would stop, would stare, would freeze in fright and it’s not untrue what he told Nie Huaisang; he does have too much to do to simply slack off like this.

When evening finally falls, Jiang Cheng is bend low over paper work. His eyes are burning and his back is aching, but he can’t stop yet. There are still piles upon piles on his table and if Jiang Cheng doesn’t make a dent in them soon then he might as well drown under them.

“Sect Leader,” one of his disciples suddenly speaks up from the door and Jiang Cheng turns bleary eyes on her.

“What?” he snaps and then immediately winces.

It’s no wonder everyone here is afraid of him.

“It’s young master Jin,” she says apologetically, but Jiang Cheng is already on his feet.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks, the worry already settling in his gut.

“He’s been screaming for the last half hour. I think he misses you,” she says with a small smile and something warm replaces the worry.

At least Jin Ling is too little to fear him yet.

“I’ll be right there,” he promises, and hurries to finish up the letter he was working on before he makes his way over to Jin Ling’s room.

True to her word, he’s screaming at the top of his lungs, and now that he hears this Jiang Cheng can’t help but to worry again. What if it’s something more serious? He rushes inside the room and immediately snatches Jin Ling out of the arms of his disciple.

“It’s okay now,” Jiang Cheng says, more to Jin Ling than to her. “I have him now.”

“Alright,” she says with a bow of her head and immediately leaves him to it.

“What’s wrong, little one?” Jiang Cheng softly asks when Jin Ling continues to scream but he seems to react to his voice, because the cries get a little bit softer. “I’m here now, there’s no need for you to make such a fuss, brat,” Jiang Cheng whispers, his voice fond, and Jin Ling really stops crying.

He blinks up at Jiang Cheng with his big eyes and then simply snuggles deeper into his embrace.

“There you go, it’s not that bad after all, is it?” Jiang Cheng says, mostly so that he has something to say, because his voice does seem to relax Jin Ling.

Jiang Cheng continues to whisper nonsense to him, until he’s sure that Jin Ling feel asleep and only then does he dare to put him down in his crib.

Jiang Cheng holds his breath once he lets go of Jin Ling, but the boy blessedly slumbers on and Jiang Cheng lets out a soft sigh.

He would never say that it’s a chore too look after his sister’s son, but it is time consuming; and Jiang Cheng doesn’t have much of that even without caring for an infant.

Jiang Cheng knows that he should get back to his paper work immediately, that he shouldn’t stay and linger and simply stare at Jin Ling, but it’s another handful of minutes before he can tear himself away from him.

When he steps outside of Jin Ling’s room, Jiang Cheng immediately tenses when he sees Nie Mingjue leaning against the wall.

“What are you doing here?” Jiang Cheng snaps, but he’s still mindful of the sleeping Jin Ling and Nie Mingjue shrugs.

“I came to find you, but your disciple told me to go here,” Nie Mingjue easily says and Jiang Cheng vows to have words with that disciple.

“You’re good with him,” Nie Mingjue says with a nod towards Jin Ling’s room and Jiang Cheng clenches his jaw.

He knows he’s not good with Jin Ling, barely knows enough about kids to not kill him immediately and he still hears the whispers from Jinlingtai, how he’s bad for the kid, how he’ll corrupt him, how Jin Ling will turn out as angry and cold as him and it’s all too much for Jiang Cheng to take right now.

“Fight me,” he presses out through clenched teeth and when he sees the way Nie Mingjue lights up at that, the anger turns into cold rage.

He brings them to one of the more remote training fields and then he just waits until Nie Mingjue has Baxia ready. Jiang Cheng doesn’t hesitate to bring out Zidian as well as Sandu and then they are off.

It’s a vicious fight and the first time since the war that Jiang Cheng doesn’t hold back. Nie Mingjue has no problems parrying Sandu, but he seems at a loss with Zidian and Jiang Cheng takes shameless advantage of that, though he does keep the electricity running through it to a bare minimum.

He doesn’t want to kill or permanently injure Nie Mingjue after all.

Still, Nie Mingjue is a force to be reckoned with, and while it’s clear that he too is struggling, there’s a smile on his face that only enrages Jiang Cheng further.

Their fight goes on for longer than Jiang Cheng expected, Zidian singing and Sandu clashing with Baxia, but in the end Nie Mingjue tackles him to the ground.

When Jiang Cheng’s back hits the ground, his breath leaves him in a rush and his vision turns black for a moment, before stars appear everywhere.

Jiang Cheng blinks up at the sky, trying to get his lungs to work properly again, but it still takes him an embarrassingly long time.

In the end Nie Mingjue seems to tire of waiting for him to compose himself and he holds out a hand to him.

“You’re a good fighter,” Nie Mingjue says, just as Jiang Cheng is about to reach for his hand. “And you wield Zidian almost better than Sandu,” he tacks on, and Jiang Cheng goes cold.

He wouldn’t have minded this much, before—his mother never did after all—but after what happened with Wei Wuxian, after everyone came after him for not using his sword like he should, it leaves a bad taste in his mouth now.

“What do you know,” Jiang Cheng snaps and slaps Nie Mingjue’s hand away, getting up out of his own strength.

“Jiang Wanyin?” Nie Mingjue asks with a frown and Jiang Cheng squares his shoulders before he faces him again.

“Don’t tell me I fight well when I just lost and don’t ever imply that I am favouring Zidian over Sandu ever again,” he hisses out and when he sees Nie Mingjue’s surprised look on his face, Jiang Cheng quickly turns away.

“Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue calls after him, and the informality stops Jiang Cheng in his steps. “I haven’t had a fight like this in a while. Not many people can hold out against me for as long as you did. Of course you fight well. And I didn’t mean anything with my comment about Zidian; it’s a spiritual tool and you wield it well. That’s all,” Nie Mingjue explains, almost awkwardly, and Jiang Cheng wants to leave, he really does, but he’s rooted to the spot.

“Is that the problem?” Nie Mingjue asks and it sounds like he came closer, though Jiang Cheng didn’t hear any footsteps. “Have I offended you all this time without knowing?” Nie Mingjue wants to know and Jiang Cheng lets out a hard breath.

“I’m not lowering to do the dirty work when I help with rebuilding,” Jiang Cheng says bitterly, even though he knows that’s what everyone thinks.

“Of course not,” Nie Mingjue immediately says. “And that wasn’t what I meant. I really do help with construction every now and then, if my time allows for it. It’s hard work, but also rewarding. I really hoped to compare notes with you. It’s not like Jin Guangshan would ever lift a finger to help any of his disciples like that so I don’t usually have someone to talk to about this.”

Jiang Cheng gives a short nod at that, and then he figures he might as well lay it all out. It’s almost easy, now that he doesn’t have to face Nie Mingjue.

“And when you say my disciples have an interesting fighting style?”

“It’s just that. Interesting. The Yunmeng Style is very clearly still there, but they are not as rigid as before. It’s good to see them fall back to the things some of them clearly learned on the streets. It won’t make that much difference against a monster, but if they ever have to fight another cultivator or something with sentience, it will give them the upper hand. It’s a good thing.”

“The game?” Jiang Cheng whispers, now thoroughly embarrassed by how low he thought of Nie Mingjue and how easily believed he was just here to insult him.

“We have a few with balls, but none in the water. I never saw such a game and I was simply curious if there were more. I’d like to try them all, the last one was fun,” Nie Mingjue says with a chuckle even though he thoroughly lost that game, as Jiang Cheng learned.

“And Jin Ling?” Jiang Cheng asks.

“I just meant that you’re good with him,” Nie Mingjue gives back and Jiang Cheng can almost imagine him shrugging. “He clearly loves you if he settles down by just hearing your voice and you didn’t get impatient once. You clearly love him as well.”

Jiang Cheng takes a shuddering breath when Nie Mingjue falls silent and he finally turns around to him.

“What do you want from me? Why are you here?” he asks, because for all that it has been a few days he still doesn’t know why Nie Mingjue is here.

“I thought I made that clear in my letter,” Nie Mingjue says with a frown that only gets deeper when he sees Jiang Cheng’s confused look. “I’m here to see if we’re compatible. If a courtship between us might work out.”

“You’re what?” Jiang Cheng blurts out and before the frown on Nie Mingjue’s face can get any deeper Nie Huaisang appears at his side.

“This might be my fault,” he admits, tipping his fan against his mouth and seemingly not at all bothered when both Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng turn incredulous eyes on him.

“Explain,” Nie Mingjue grumbles and Nie Huaisang gives him a winning smile.

“I stole that page of the letter,” Nie Huaisang says with an easy shrug and Jiang Cheng is so confused he doesn’t even know what to say to that.

“Why would you do that?” Nie Mingjue asks as he pinches the bridge of his nose, but he doesn’t seem angry and Nie Huaisang seems to know that very well.

“Because I know Jiang-xiong and if you had written anything about a courtship he would have clamped right up and then you’d get nowhere,” Nie Huaisang cries out and Jiang Cheng goes red in the face, because Nie Huaisang might not be wrong.

“Huaisang!” Nie Mingjue yells at him, but Nie Huaisang only hides behind his fan and blinks his big eyes at Nie Mingjue.

“I’m sorry?” Nie Huaisang asks, but Nie Mingjue shakes his head.

“No, you’re not,” he heaves out with a sigh. “Go scram before I make you practice your sabre,” Nie Mingjue threatens but when Nie Huaisang laughs Jiang Cheng knows that it’s an empty thread.

“Alright, da-ge,” Nie Huaisang says and promptly dashes away leaving Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng in uncomfortable silence.

“I’m sorry about him,” Nie Mingjue eventually says, but Jiang Cheng shakes his head, because there’s only one thought in his mind.

“Courtship?” he asks, because he cannot wrap his mind around this as all and he was not prepared to see Nie Mingjue blush like that.

“See, this is why I wrote it down,” Nie Mingjue grumbles. “It’s easier when it’s written down.”

“Mingjue, courtship?” Jiang Cheng asks again, because it still doesn’t make any sense at all and Nie Mingjue sighs again.

“Yes, Wanyin, a courtship.”

“Between us?”

“Do you see anyone else? Did I go visit anyone else?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng simply sits down on the ground again, because of all the reasons why Nie Mingjue could have come, this possibility didn’t enter Jiang Cheng’s head even once.

“You must be joking,” Jiang Cheng whispers and then tenses when Nie Mingjue simply sits down next to him.

“I assure you, I’m not,” he says.

“But then you surely must have changed your mind by now,” Jiang Cheng tries next, because there is no way in hell that Nie Mingjue, esteemed fighter and Sect Leader, would still want to court him after he saw what a mess Jiang Cheng is.

“Between praising your fighting, your way with Jin Ling, your disciples and your construction work, where do you think I changed my mind?” Nie Mingjue shoots back and Jiang Cheng goes still.

“Were you just giving me meaningless compliments?” he asks and that thought suddenly hurts more than he expected.

But if Nie Mingjue had an ulterior goal in mind then of course he’d praise Jiang Cheng. And of course they would all be hollow and empty words.

“Do you know me to be like that?” Nie Mingjue wants to know. “If I don’t like you, then I’ll say so. If I do like you, then I’ll say that as well.”

“You don’t like Jin Guangshan and you never said that to him,” Jiang Cheng gives back, his mind still spinning.

“Oh, rest assured, he knows I loath him. No need to say it out loud,” Nie Mingjue easily gives back but then he falls silent. “Huaisang was right, wasn’t he. You’re totally clamping up on me.”

Jiang Cheng flushes again at that.

“I mean, who wouldn’t? Courtship? With me?”

“With who else? You’re a hero of the Sunshot Campaign. You rebuild your Sect, you’re parenting your sister’s son and you’re not cowering before anyone. There’s much to admire about you, Wanyin.”

“Shut up,” Jiang Cheng breathes out as he hides his face in his hands.

“I will if you give me an answer, Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue says and the way he says Jiang Cheng’s name sends a shiver down his back.

“Can we—how long are you going to stay?” Jiang Cheng asks instead of giving him a concrete answer but Nie Mingjue doesn’t seem to mind that much.

“I can squeeze in a few more days,” Nie Mingjue says with a shrug. “Why?”

“I think—I’d like you to stay for a while longer now that I know why you’re here,” Jiang Cheng gives back.

He can’t quite agree to a courtship just yet, but he thinks he’d like to spent more time with Nie Mingjue, especially now that he knows what he wants from him.

“Sure,” Nie Mingjue easily replies and he doesn’t seem to mind Jiang Cheng’s lack of an answer much.

Nie Mingjue doesn’t behave any different in the next few days either, but at least now Jiang Cheng knows to simply accept the things Nie Mingjue says without searching for a hidden meaning behind his words and since Jiang Cheng knows that this is not an inspection but something completely different he can actually enjoy spending his time with Nie Mingjue.

So much so that when Nie Mingjue eventually has to depart, Jiang Cheng has a courtship gift ready for him.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

[procrastinatorproject]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Star Trek: Picard Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Agnes Jurati/Cristóbal Rios Characters: Agnes Jurati, Cristóbal Rios Additional Tags: Meta, Developing Relationship, my take on Agnes and Cris's relationship, and why i think it works, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), Psychological Trauma

Title Inspired by @regionalpancake‘s glorious Downtime Drabble “You’re Light On Me”

A while ago, a friend confessed to me that they didn’t really understand what Agnes Jurati and Cris Rios see in each other. They felt the relationship seemed unmotivated and forced, and they didn’t really see why other people thought it worked.

I’ve seen this sentiment a few times since the show came out, and I’m not here to tell anyone they have to agree with the show-writers’ choices or like a relationship if it doesn’t work for them. But I recently reread the little essay I sent that friend in reply (after making sure they’d want to read it ;9 ), and I really liked it, so I thought I’d share it here.

When people say that the kiss between Agnes Jurati and Cristobal Rios at the end of Star Trek: Picard season 1 blindsided them, I understand where they're coming from. I think the showrunners could have done more to make the developing relationship between these characters truly obvious, but for me, it didn't feel like the mutual attraction between Cris and Agnes came completely out of nowhere. Let me explain.

One of the big things about Rios’s character I find striking is that he wants to be stoic and cynical and misanthropic, but he just... can't do it. He tries! He's short, he hides behind his books, and he pretends he doesn't care about politeness. But the only people he ever swears at are Raffi, a very good friend, and the holos (which are a whole other matter, because there is all this self-loathing tied up in Cris's relationship with them). Over the course of season 1, it's pretty clear that Rios is rather good at reading people, and he wants to do right by them. He defers to Picard pretty much immediately and Soji looks at him pleadingly once and he decides to put his ship at risk for her.

Rios doesn't want to like people, he just can't help himself. He wants to be annoyed by Agnes interrupting his reading, but I think he finds her quirkiness disarming and charming. It's already visible in the way he looks at her on the bridge, when they talk about paper books. And then they go to the holodeck to discuss Picard's detour to Vashti. Since Agnes is the audience stand-in, she asks a bunch of questions, and instead of being annoyed or short, Cris patiently explains everything to her (after offering her a seat). Later, when Cris asks Agnes what she thinks about his outfit for the Stardust City caper and she says he's killing it, there's a beat there. He seems almost a little taken aback, either by her sincerity, or maybe by realizing he values her opinion. It's yet another thing they connect over it. (Also robot boxing. That scene is adorable)

With regards to Agnes… I think partially, she's leaning into her natural humour and quirkiness to appear non-threatening and not give herself away, but I also have another read on her behaviour. (This may partially be me projecting WAY TOO HARD, or, to put it more generously, applying some lived experience to what we see of Agnes's character, so your take on this might be very different. But this is what I see.)

When Agnes and Cris talk before they go off to have sex, Agnes is making jokes and smiling. To me, that doesn’t read as fake or a ploy to manipulate Rios, it seems real. And then when he asks, really asks, how she's feeling, suddenly there is this chasm of pain right under the surface. For me, the idea that Agnes has this intense psychological trauma and is dealing with it by finding joy in little things, like watering the plants, and reading papers, and flirting with the hot captain by completely wrong-footing him with a comment about her dad... it feels very authentic. And I can see how this guy, who pretends to be all uncaring and edgy but is actually a big softie not very far under the surface, and who smiles at her jokes and takes the time to explain stuff to her and listens to her babble, that's a nice distraction from the horrible things happening in her mind. Not in the sense that she's manipulatively using him, but in the sense that this kind of human connection gives her moments of light and gives her reasons to keep going, even through so much pain.

After Agnes kills Maddox, she is deeply, deeply conflicted over what she's done. To the point where when they’re leaving the Artefact, she basically says "I don't care if the world ends if I don't kill Soji. Let it all burn. I just can't do this anymore". And then here is this man, who's kind and caring and, yes, hot, and at first it's "I just want to feel something, anything, and he's here, he's half-naked, he's gorgeous". And Rios isn't necessarily opposed to a no-strings-attached fling. Because he keeps telling himself he doesn't get attached and he hates people and he's only ferrying them around because they're paying him. So it's a distraction with a woman who is quirky and witty and pretty, but it won't mean anything, and that's okay.

And then Agnes changes her mind, because she realizes having sex with Rios will make things more complicated. Or maybe because she thinks Rios deserves better. Or that she shouldn't have sex to distract herself from horrible emotional pain because that's kinda unhealthy.

So she pulls back.

And Rios, instead of being annoyed at missing out or feeling like she led him on, or any number of things, asks her how she's feeling. In a way that makes it clear (at least to me) that he really cares about the answer. And for a moment, Agnes lets him see the true darkness inside her. Because she can pretend it's about Maddox dying, she can pretend it's just about being a lonely nerd. She doesn't have to tell him how bad it really is, but she lets herself feel all of the bad emotions for just a moment.

And then she kisses him again, maybe to shut herself up or to distract herself, or because she needs the connection. And he doesn't have any illusion about what it is they're doing. He knows she's trying to feel better, he essentially tells her he knows it's a way for her to deal with her devastation, and he's okay with it. Maybe because he knows what it's like to feel hollow and terrified and need something, anything to cling to.

And at this point, I think they're both still telling themselves that they don't actually care about each other. Cris because he doesn't want to care about anyone ever again so he won't get hurt. (Which, again, he fails miserably at, but I think that's how he wants to see himself and why he treats his holos with so much disdain that Emil tells Picard "He doesn't get any nicer", even though we see Rios being kind to all the people on board.) And Agnes doesn't really have the brain space to allow herself to fall for anyone. She's just taking little moments of light and human connection where she can get them. And they both decide to have sex as a one-night-stand, just to make Agnes feel better for the night, just because they're both lonely and in pain. No deeper meaning behind it.

And then the whole tracker debacle happens. It takes three days to get to Nepenthe and by the time Agnes goes into a coma, they're still a couple days away at least. She doesn't wake up until Picard is back on board, which means she's out for a long time. Even though we don’t see much of the medical drama, we can assume she was very much at death's door. So, now Rios is faced with once again losing someone he feels somewhat responsible for. Someone he has actually gotten close to. And I think that moment and the fear it causes him might make him start to realize how much he actually cares about her.

And then when Picard and Soji are on board, they all sit down together and figure out the big mystery at the heart of season 1. And here is another thing Cris and Agnes find out they have in common: Both of their lives and minds got destroyed by Oh's machinations. Cris went against everything he believed in when he covered up what Vandermeer had done. He didn't actively kill anyone, but he feels like Vandermeer's death is his fault. His belief in the fundamental goodness of Starfleet was shattered when they threatened to blow up his ship. For Agnes, this kind of shattering of a truth she had clung to comes when she realizes she wasn't acting on the directive of the Head of Starfleet Security in a black-ops mission sanctioned by one of the most important institutions of the Federation. Instead, she was nothing but a pawn, used by Oh for nefarious purposes that had nothing to do with the greater good. The exact circumstances of their traumas are different, but they were both caught up in the same catastrophe and cover-up and it has marked them in similar ways.

I think this is one of the reasons Rios doesn't blame Agnes for killing Maddox. If anything, he gets more protective of her, e.g. by trying to stop Sutra from forcing another mind-meld on Agnes. You can see this in a more subtle scene, too: when Cris says goodbye to Agnes at Coppelius station, he reaches out to touch her face, but then he hesitates and proceeds with extreme gentleness and care. To me, that reads like someone very, very aware of the other person's trauma and possible triggers (forced mind-meld) and caring deeply about making sure she feels safe and has something good to counterbalance the horrible memories.

And finally, we clearly jump quite a bit in time at the very end of season 1. When our motley crew sets out from Coppelius, the Synth Ban has been lifted. Just imagine the bureaucracy that must have taken! That’s not something that can be overturned in a day. Also, Raffi and Seven have had time to connect, so I imagine in that time, Cris and Agnes, too, will have slowly figured out whether they're compatible and whether this relationship is something they might, very carefully and gently, endeavour together.

Because they have a compatible kind of humour, because they understand what it's like to feel deeply broken but to keep going regardless, because she's witty and quirky and he's caring and kind and they went through a very specific hell together, and they might be able to hold each other's hands as they slowly make their ways towards healing.

I’m going to do a metatextual thing here and quote an absolutely gorgeous drabble by @regionalpancake that, to me, encapsulates one very important aspect of the relationship between Cris and Agnes.

     Your Light On Me  

You’d forgotten just how it felt. To feel like you. A stranger, Last seen aboard the Ibn Majid. Proud, red trimmed shoulders, Bright pips, a polished combadge. You signed aboard, And found A different man signed off. You’re old enough to know, She cannot fix you. You wouldn’t want her to. That’s between Pops and you. That’s your work to do, Not hers. But Agnes? Preciosa. Something in her, Shines a light. Reminds you who you are. You have to find, Your own way home. But god, It’s nice, At last, To find, A gentle soul, To hold the lamp.

 Chapter 74 of Downtime

That. Right there. A gentle soul to hold the lamp. I think for me, that's what the relationship between Cris and Agnes boils down to.

They are broken people in a broken world, but by the end of season 1, they have found that they can hold each other while they try to put themselves back together. And what starts out as a fun, distracting flirtation, then turns into "meaningless" sex to stop feeling lonely and sad, finally becomes the beginning of a relationship built on shared trauma, but more importantly on kindness and charm.

I have no idea whether these two can make it work long-term, but I am very much on board for what we've seen so far, and I hope this can help a bit in explaining why.

NB: After I finished writing this a few weeks back, I remembered that there was a fic that came to very similar conclusions. Upon reread, I realized it essentially hits the exact same points I do here and does so absolutely beautifully. So if you want a truly touching in-universe perspective on this relationship, go and read Love Comes Softly by Be_Right_Back (@smhalltheurlsaretaken, or listen to the Podfic recorded by Thimblerig. I cannot recommend this fic highly enough!