#but that means I really can't focus and don't end up finishing the book anyway

[ghostlyheart]

I read a book on the plane today with no wi-fi which meant that I couldn't get distracted by needing to look things up I didn't understand, and I actually got through a solid chunk of it? That's totally unlike me I should do that more often

[thebibliosphere]

"But you're so successful without it."

Content warning: This post contains mentions of suicidal ideation.

I got a message earlier tonight that I'm not going to post, but I did ask the person involved if I could talk about what we subsequently ended up talking about in DMs because I feel it's important.

Basically, it was along the lines of "My kid got diagnosed with ADHD and really wants to try meds. I know from reading your blog that correct treatment for ADHD can be really beneficial, but I just don't think she's severe enough to need them."

The message then went on to ask me, as someone who is unmedicated with ADHD, for some tricks and tips on how to be successful without medication because clearly, look how well I'm doing without them. I mean, look at my blog, look at my book(s)! Surely if I can do all that without ADHD meds, other people can too. Surely there's a trick. A skill. Something you can learn if you just try hard enough...

This is not the first time I have received a message like this. In fact, I probably get about 2-5 messages like this a week.

Usually from other people who also have ADHD/suspect ADHD but don't want medication because they don't think they need it/don't want to need it, and yet can't figure out why they're struggling so much, and ask me how do I do the thing(s) and cope so well and get so much done, etc., etc.

So I'm going to tell you what I told this person tonight in case it helps someone. Yes, I have ADHD. No, I am not medicated due to severe health complications, and yes, I get a lot done. From the outside, I am sure it looks incredibly productive and successful. But I'm going to let you in on what that success feels like.

It feels like dying.

It feels like my brain is on fire; every nerve in my body scraped raw; every part of me wired and exposed to the noise of the world. There is no quiet; there is no calm. And even when my brain does fall silent, it's another kind of death. The inside of my head is sludge, flowing uphill like treacle, weighing me down, pulling me under in the riptide of my inability to focus. I can see what needs to be done, I can see it so clearly, yet sometimes it's like I don't control my own body. Not enough dopamine. Not enough brain chemicals for the message I'm screaming in my head to make my limbs do the simplest of tasks. Like, feed myself. Take a shower. Answer that email. Text my friends back. Go to bed when I'm tired. Write a best-selling novel...

A novel that almost killed me and not because of my other ailments, but because of my unmedicated ADHD.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was already operating at critical mass when I went into final rewrites/edits. Every coping mechanism I had fell apart. Like training wheels falling off a tricycle, leaving me to wobble unsteadily until the main wheels fell off, swiftly followed by the handlebars until all that was left was me peddling frantically trying to keep my balance and not getting anywhere. I didn't realize it then, but I was heading towards a complete mental collapse. And even when I dragged myself across the finish line with the above and beyond help provided by my friends and editors, I was so burned out I couldn't enjoy my success. Worse, my success made me suicidal.

It took me until very recently, almost two years later, to be able to read Phangs without feeling suicidal. My brain associated it with the trauma of experiencing complete ADHD burnout but having to complete a monumental task anyway.

I had to go into intensive therapy to recover. I am still in intensive therapy for it.

It took me even longer after that to be able to sit down and write without harming myself. I still struggle with it, and I tell you this in all honest sincerity in the hope it makes you realize what it costs me to be "successful" and unmedicated.

And this wasn't the first time I've had to deal with this, either.

I struggled all through high school, all through college, all through every career job I ever had, knowing there was something wrong, but not quite being able to put my finger on it because hey, I still got stuff done, so it couldn't be that bad, right? Surely everyone went through life feeling this way? Right?

...right?

It wasn't until I got my ADHD diagnosis as an adult that I realized what was happening. Why I struggled so much. Why life was so hard. In many ways, it was like the sun coming up. An internal dawning of realization and acceptance, but also rage.

So much rage.

Rage at how much I'd had to struggle because no one noticed because I was quiet and undisruptive. Rage at a system that forced me to learn in ways that were not intuitive to my brain. To always being told, "doesn't apply herself" while it felt like I was clawing my brain apart trying to do what people wanted from me. To a work-life balance, that rewards all the things that make ADHD actively worse. Rage. So much rage it hurts. And to top it all off, I can't be medicated for it. I finally know what's different, I finally know why my world feels raw and turned inside out, and I can't take any of the medications that might help me.

Do you know how angry I wake up every day that there is a possible solution just within my grasp, but my health conditions prevent me from trying them? Do you know how much it hurts? How much I grieve for the person I could be if I was able to have help beyond therapy and coaching? How much happier I could be...

Not productive. Not successful. Happy.

So ask yourself, what do you want more? A child who has to go through all of this and resents you for prolonging their suffering? Who winds up hating themselves by internalizing the false concept that if they just try hard enough, they can do whatever they set their mind to.

Or do you want to help them?

Or if this is you, why are you afraid to help yourself?

Please, don't use me as an example to harm yourself or others. Yes, I am successful without medication. But the toll is high. Too high.

Rid yourself of the idea that you need to suffer more to be allowed help. You don't. They don't. No one does.

[punkymonkeehat]

Okay, so, here's a random scene that popped in my head for the Cryptid AU! This is the first time I'm sharing fanfiction that I've written, so any feedback is helpful! I'm still working on character voices too, so I hope it's showing up on the writing. Anyway, enjoy!!

-------------------------------------------------------

"Is this thing on?" The camera jostled as hands began to adjust the screen and move the lens in place.

"Danny, be careful! It's expensive equipment, we can't have a fiasco like last time" another voiced responded, with a slightly annoyed tone. "Don't worry about the tech stuff, I got it all taken care of." The image of a young man's chest focused in the viewfinder. His brown, handmade sweater was the main focus of the entire screen, until he stepped back to be seen. "Okay, stop there for a sec... let me try to find a better angle..." The camera moved back to get the boy in the frame. A row of corn stalks were seen standing behind him, waving as a slight breeze rolled a cloud, briefly, over the setting sun. The golden light cast long shadows of the stalks, shading him and his features, darker than they usually were.

Danny tapped his foot as he waited, turning towards the left side of the video, shoving his hands in his black jeans' pockets. "Sam, are you sure I have to wear this? It's itchy..." he shrugged in the sweater, trying to get it more comfortable and shivered as another breeze rolled by.

"I made that, you better wear it!" Sam chided from out of frame. "Besides, it makes you... blend in a little. You don't look as out of place, like you usually do. Like a local, or something. Also, seeing as your shivering, it'll keep you warm as we investigate, Clueless."

Danny rolled his blue eyes and then averted his attention back to the camera. "C'mon Tuck, we go live in about 2 minutes, we have to be ready. It's the first live video on the channel!"

"Hold your horses, let the tech master work his magic!" Tuck shouted. "Dude, you're really on edge."

"Sorry, Im just excited... and kind of nervous. I mean, what if the audience sees something theyre... not supposed to, ya know?" He tugged on his sweater sleeves.

"It'll be fine. We picked an easy investigation. Trust me, I researched all night about it." Sam said.

After a moment of more adjusting, a muttering under breath, "There! Alright, we're ready to go live!" Danny beamed, eyes glowing, and clapped his hands together, instantly shaking off his nerves.

"Alright keep your eye on the time. Remember, we're just going to focus on the legend. If anything happens, act like it's nothing. Then we'll end the stream..."

"And then we can take care of some real business." Sam finished, walking on screen. She wore a dark purple cardigan, over a black turtleneck, a thick book in her arms. She opened it up to show Danny a couple pages. "Here, this should help ease that overly active brain of yours. It should either be dormant, or not active. Besides, according to this book, it won't be hard to deal with at all. The easiest way to keep it away, if we need to, is by walking backwards. That way, it'll feel like we're watching it. Should be a good show, with no issues!" She smiled towards Tuck behind the camera, humor dancing in her eyes. "So long as you can keep everything in frame this time, 'tech master'" she joked, raising a pierced eyebrow.

"Ha ha." A red gloved hand came into view, shooing at Sam. "We're on in 30 seconds! Get out of frame, cryptkeeper." Sam stuck out her tongue and moved out of frame, still smiling.

Danny adjusted the mic hooked to his sweater collar, smoothed his messy hair as best he could, and took a deep breath. "Ready Tuck?"

"Always ready, Danny." Tuck responded. His gloved hand came back into frame, giving a tuumbs up. "It'll be awesome. Nothing will go wrong." He counted down from five with his fingers, and pointed at the other to start.

"Welcome back everyone to Phantom Haunts, the channel where we investigate Paranormal occurances..."

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

Right back at you, buddy! 3, 5, 12, 13, and 19 for the behind-the-scenes ask game :D

~ @sammys-magical-au 🫶

(Thank you, Sammy~ 😊😊😊)

3 — Do you write fics from start to finish, or jump around?

When I officially started writing fanfics, I mainly jumped around with the plot until I was satisfied with how things went in the story. And that was years and years ago. More recently, I decided to try writing from start to finish, and honestly. . .I see it as sort of a bad habit? That's not to say it can't work for other writers, but it just seems to slow me down. So, I'm trying to unlearn it and go back to my old tricks.

Like, I tend to think of climax scenes first. You know, the really dramatic/important stuff because, well, it's dramatic/important. I feel that once I get those particular details out of the way, it'll be easier for me to write other stuff around it until the story is full. Plus, that type of format allows for random ideas to pop up and potentially make things even better.

5 — What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

Typically somewhere quiet with no distractions. I take meds for my autism and ADD, but I can still be tempted to focus on other things, thus procrastinating my stories. I don't like to, it just happens, and I'm still working on it.

When the weather is nice, I love riding my bike over to the library and just writing there for a few hours (so long as some disruptive asshole doesn't waltz into the areas that are CLEARLY MARKED FOR SILENT STUDY. It happens more frequently than I care to admit, but oh well. Not the end of the world).

But if I'm really focused/dedicated to the story at hand, then I can write pretty much anywhere. Just a year ago, I tagged along on a family vacation and seriously surprised myself via writing a full story for Goretober 2023 during the several-hour-long car ride. And I didn't feel carsick once, which was practically a miracle. I'd brought one of the cool-looking notebooks I'd collected on a whim, as well as a pencil and a lap-desk thing. I totally covered the entire backseat with eraser shavings, but it was worth it!

12 — Is there a trope you haven't written yet but really want to?

Hard to say; I've written with tons of tropes—I've definitely done so without even meaning to. If you've read my stuff, then it's probably very obvious which tropes are my personal favorites, but I still try to be open to new ones.

I suppose I haven't written Talking Animals, since the stories I've been focused on are somewhat set in reality (fictional, but not Fantasy, you know?). But I always loved seeing that when I was a kid. Since a lot of my fanegos have pets, perhaps I could write a snippet from said pets' perspective? I know it technically wouldn't count as them talking, but it'd be pretty close, right?

13 — Is there a trope you wouldn't write if it was the last trope on Earth?

It's a tie between two tropes, actually: Minority Character Dies First, and The Pure and The Promiscuous.

The former is completely stupid and racist/ableist/etc., and I don't understand how or why it's still being used in some movies or books today.

The latter is more complex, since it's typically used in romantic scenarios, which I don't write very often anyway. But I still hate it because it just seems insulting to the characters. Like, I can understand the appeal of having one character teach things to an inexperienced character, but the way I've seen it handled almost always leads to the character on the receiving end being infantilized or dumbed-down. Which is bullshit, because the character deserves more depth and thought than that!

19 — Who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? Why?

Maybe this is obvious, but fanegos are the easiest for me to write! True, sometimes I struggle a bit, since I want to have a balance of originality and a clear tie to the content-creator the fanego was inspired by. But otherwise, I make the rules. Canon egos also aren't too tricky for me to write; I feel like I'm pretty decent at learning/feeling a character's quirks to make that character seem authentic in fanfic settings.

One thing that's undeniably difficult for me to write is reader-inserts. No shame to those who have requested reader-insert fics from me, because I love engaging with people on here. The problem I have with it just seems to be my own self-consciousness. You already know why I tend to avoid shipping in fanfics, and I guess that also counts as a factor.

[Ask Game]

[cringecompanionapologist]

Cradle of the Snake Part ???: A Break to Talk About Turlough Headcanons and It'll Make Sense Later I Swear

Once again, I took a lot of screenshots. I've decided to avoid some of the tangents I could go on and try to focus primarily on Turlough stuff, though I might get sidetracked along the way anyway.

I'm actually going to start with a bit of a tangent about Turlough's arc. Turlough is one of the few classic companions with a clear arc, but most of the televised arc is confined to the Black Guardian Trilogy and Planet of Fire. The writers didn't know what to do with him, so they kind of stalled on his arc until they needed to wrap it up.

Big Finish audios have since done what Big Finish audios often do, expanding on the arc, but the audios don't always follow a clear chronological order like the TV episodes do. You know for certain, even if there's room between stories, that Warriors of the Deep occurs sometime after The King's Demons and sometime before The Awakening, for example.

A lot of Big Finish audios come in trilogies, allowing for a brief period of time when things are clear. The Nyssa/Tegan/Turlough stories are a series of trilogies that all take place one after the other. This means that pretty much everything between Mawdryn Undead and The Entropy Plague can be placed in order. After that, things get more vague. If a story has Kamelion in it, it would have to be after The King's Demons, but plenty of stories without Kamelion take place after The King's Demons. So, it gets confusing.

When you can't put a character's stories in order, it's difficult to give them an arc. Sometimes characters seem to go backwards. After Freakshow, Tegan's attitude towards Turlough resets for Cobwebs. For this reason, even though Turlough's arc is fleshed out, it's still a bit vague.

Turlough's arc is also hindered by the fact that his backstory, which has a lot to unpack, isn't revealed until his last story, leaving a lot of interesting material off-limits. Kiss of Death tries to play with Turlough's backstory but has to add on awkward "Turlough decides to never mention this again" at the end, to avoid contradicting Planet of Fire. The only way to really resolve this would be to do something with Turlough similar to what was done with Nyssa: Have him come back for a while for some adventures post-Planet of Fire, where the Doctor knows his backstory and it can be discussed openly. There's an old Choose Your Own Adventure type of book that features 6 and Peri, and Turlough is with them without explanation. Some actual 6/Peri/Turlough adventures could actually be fun.

See? I got sidetracked.

Anyway, because Turlough's arc is so vague and inconsistent, pretty much by necessity, you can kind of interpret it however you like. I'm going to have to sort of explain my take on Turlough's arc, because it affects my take on The Cradle of the Snake.

I'll try to keep things short under the cut.

So, what I consider to be my version of Turlough's arc. It's probably not what was intended, but what was intended was intended by many different people. There are no rules and I can do what I want.

Turlough had a pretty sheltered childhood before the civil war. He never really had to be afraid of anything. He didn't know much about the world outside whatever palace he was living in. He had servants to do everything for him and guards to protect him. He also had his family, his mom and dad and at least one older sibling that he could also turn to for comfort and support.

Then the war happened. His mom died and his family was scattered. The war was a revolution against the Imperial Clans, so many working class people who served the Imperial Clansmen probably turned against them to pursue a better life. Fair enough. Good for them. But from the perspective of a sheltered child, his mother was murdered and the people who were supposed to protect him joined the side of the murderers. In all the chaos, with all the adults focused on getting out of the war alive, nobody tries to comfort the grieving child. The guards and servants are gone. Parents, teachers, family friends, all either dead or too busy with the war effort to spend any time on him. Turlough suddenly finds himself completely alone.

So, he learns to take care of himself. He learns to fight, joining the military even. He has to take care of himself because no one else will. It's not easy. Everywhere he turns, it feels like someone wants to hurt him. He's from an Imperial Clan and that alone means that people want him dead. The Imperial Clans are apparently scientists. He's an intellectual who probably never expected to have to fight. That's what guards are for. People fight for the Imperial Clans. Not anymore. They have to defend themselves now and they really don't stand a chance. The violence is scary. Turlough finds himself running away a lot. He keeps letting people down, so they reject him.

Turlough gets taken prisoner at the end of the war. The prison guards probably aren't very nice to their former oppressors. There's violence, abuse of power, it's ugly. Eventually, Turlough lashes out, speaks out against the revolutionaries, and is sentenced to exile. He's exiled to a school instead of a penal colony because whoever judged his case decided that he was too young to really know any better and can be reeducated. They send him to a primitive planet where the name Turlough means nothing. He'll have to learn to live without privilege, like the common Trion people.

Of course, since an English public school is a place full of privileged kids, this doesn't exactly work. Turlough's met with the opposite extreme. He's nobody and his classmates are his superiors. Furthermore, the culture of the school is a bad fit for Turlough. Sports are mandatory and he's still not used to doing anything physical. He also struggles with Earth's atmosphere, so he's weaker than he was on Trion. He's bad at sports and doesn't like them. He doesn't fit in with his peers and goes against the school's values. He's bullied and the adults do nothing to stop it. Suffering builds character, in their minds, and Turlough has a bad attitude that needs to be "corrected". Turlough already had a mindset that he had to look out for himself because no one else would, but Brendon makes him double down on that.

After a few years of this, Turlough is worn down, becoming severely depressed. He can't escape the school. He realizes that he probably wouldn't mind being dead. He doesn't hurt himself. His self-preservation instincts probably won't let him, but it's getting to around that point.

This is when the Black Guardian shows up. He's a Guardian, able to pass himself off as a guardian angel, in a sense. He can get Turlough away from Brendon, away from Earth, possibly even home. He has the power to protect him from every conceivable threat. There's just one catch...

Having fought in a war, Turlough was probably involved in someone's death at some point, but it was kill or be killed. Now he's being asked to kill someone who isn't a threat to him. He soon realizes that his "protector", by being the sort of person to demand coldblooded murder, doesn't have his best interests at heart. He even lets him get taken back to Brendon.

In the process of following the Black Guardians orders, Turlough starts traveling in the TARDIS with the Doctor, who continues to be nice to him no matter how suspicious he is. When the Black Guardian decides to do away with him, the Doctor saves his life, appearing on Wrack's ship seemingly out of nowhere. He'd seen Turlough jump off the other ship and he'd gone after him. Now the Doctor seems like the guardian angel and Turlough chooses him over the potential to gain wealth and power, the power to protect himself, because no one else will. That's not true anymore. The Doctor will protect him.

But, this is the beginning of Turlough's arc, not the end. He hasn't really become a "good guy" in a conventional sense. He was never a villain, but he's not quite a hero yet. He's still scared, expecting to be bullied and attacked. He's also scared of being abandoned. His former protectors had abandoned him. He's still scared that if he doesn't became a "good guy" quickly, the Doctor might lose patience with him and he'd be alone again.

The Cradle of the Snake is still early on in Turlough's arc. He's starting to act more "heroic" at times, but that's mainly because, with the Doctor protecting him, he's not as scared as he was before. He's also formed a bit of a bond with Tegan and Nyssa, so he's capable of being brave for their sake. But, they're his fellow companions, all connected to the Doctor. The Doctor is the center of their universe. The Cradle of the Snake, with the Mara possessing the Doctor, removes that stability. Turlough is losing the Doctor. Like the Black Guardian, his protector attacked him.

That's where we are by Part 3.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Seducing Mr Bridgerton Author rambles: 04.08.2022

Hi guys 👋

So I'm sick and I have to take a few days off from work. But I feel soooo guilty about taking sick leave I've been typing away at my laptop as if to play pretend like I'm still working 😂😅

What does this mean? Well it means I've been doing aloooooot of thinking for SMB and it's future plot events.

And y'all don't even get how much more is left to be written!!

I think all that's left from book Canon is the Cressida lie, Church scene, carriage ride, engagement party, then Daphne's party (I think).

Chp 9-10 of SMB is defs the kiss and the aftermath that follows.

But I've decided to ignore the 'Colin insecure bout his writing' thing. I think the whole Sir Lee thing is a bigger aspect to my Colin. And a whole lot more interesting to write and explore. I mean he still writes.... He's just not insecure about it. (I have plans. I will explain it eventually 😂)

I very much feel like we are entering the second half of SMB once Chapters 9 & 10 are posted.

And I intend for chapters 11 onwards to focus more on Lady Whistledowns persona, My version of the Featheringtons, and Colin and Penelope fully embracing their true selves without care for the opinion of others.... It's gonna be glorious 🤩 Like take all the tension between Colin and Penelope now, then make it LW & Sir Lee. 💥🤯💥

Secrets will be revealed, confessions will be made and dares will be issued. I can't wait to share it all!!!

In saying that... I am confirming the next fic for this series will be 'To Sir Phillip with Pleasure'. Once SMB is finished I want to leave my Polin characters to marinate in their ending for a bit.

Also, with how many Eloise scenes I've been cutting out of SMB I think she's due some major attention.

My Eloise is nowhere similar to Canon Eloise. And in her prologue you're gonna really get to know how she became so different from canon and really get to see SMB Colin's influence on her growing up.

I will say that I'm using Marina from the show' characteristics. I think I already mentioned it in SMB. But Marina is Penelope's cousin, and Eloise and Phillip met a little differently than canon.

First half of Eloise's book will mostly be letters between her and Phillip and her POV on SMB Polin events. Second Half is her running away and how she and Phillip get on.

Only once Eloise's book is finished will i return to writing SMB's direct sequel "Loving Mrs Bridgerton".

LMB will follow my version of Polin after Eloise's wedding. As I won't be using any canon sources as references this entire plot is going to be completely original. Despite the title, the story is gonna be more adventure, thriller and action then it will be romance. Let's just say....

Colin has some unfinished business to properly wrap up before he can officially retire his alter Sir Lee. With his beloved wife along for the journey, Colin is determined to see it done swiftly & properly. Having successfully retired Lady Whistledown and no longer being a spinster , Penelope is all for the new adventure. But only time will tell if she'll be able to handle the danger Colin has been risking as Sir Lee while traveling all these years. He's terrified the truth of his travels will cause him to lose her. She's not sure what to expect... But from the way her silly husband is acting, Penelope's determined to overcome it all...so long as she gets to keep him.

.... So yeah.... I'm suuuuuuuuuuper excited!!!!

I've got 1000 something words done for Chapter 9 and estimate a final word count of 5-7000. I will be leaving you readers on a cliffhanger BUT I fully intend on posting chapter 10 a week or so after. Chapter 10 is estimated to be about 7-9000 words long because there are lot of things to happen.

But Chapters 11 is currently planned to focus on the Featheringtons.

Honestly!!! I'm super excited so for all of this to get done 😆😆🤩🤩

It's exhausting but I love it!!

Anyway, hope everyone stays healthy,safe and strong ✨💪😘

[frogsandfries]

I've really struggled with the graphic novel this issue. I've really struggled to get any sort of queue built up, and I'm like two-thirds of the way through the issue. My latest update went live today and I don't have any new frames colored for this entire week. Then I've been completely goofing around with this QR code--I could actually barely work on it today because I had a migraine. I could have gotten at least half another update colored, but I've been trying to get more lettering done.

I'm actually hoping to attach the QR code to my backpack and maybe get just the tiniest bit of free advertising, since I take my backpack almost everywhere. So I'm hoping cross-stitching this new QR code isn't entirely a waste of time.

Then I also wanted to work on this mostly stupid, but also very practical, sketchbook carrier. Admittedly, I should have something like this for my purposes, but it just seems dumb to put my time into. But my sketchbooks should have extra support for as often as I find myself carrying them around everywhere when we go out.

Anyway, I'm hugely looking forward to getting this issue done and posted on Amazon. I can't wait for my next hiatus so I don't have to worry about posting new content for a minute. I'm going to do the Saturday script first and spend the rest of my six weeks coloring and lettering like a maniac. Yeah yeah, I know I haven't even finished volume one and I'm already trying to script for volume two??

Here's the thing: One thing at a time.

Once the script is done, even if it gets done in little chunks, then I don't have to devote anymore time to it, and I can spend more of my hiatuses on coloring and lineworking. Once the lineworking is done, then there remains only coloring.

I mean, really this project is going to take ages and ages, easily years even if I could just work on the graphic novel as my full-time job. But if I script one day each time I have a hiatus, and I take a hiatus about every 150 frames, the script will be done very, very quickly. I'll also have tons and tons of time, since each day is easily several hundred frames, to work out what's happening in the places I haven't had the freedom to really focus my attention.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep. I'm gonna finish this QR code project tomorrow, and I'm going to ink this chunk of lineworks because the end of the year is rolling up rapidly and I deserve credit. I do this silly thing twice a year where I make a note of what frame I'm up to in coloring and inking. It's really interesting and gratifying to see the numbers and have a real idea of how well I'm actually doing.

I didn't even end up having time to work on my art book today. That's another really cool way to keep track of my progress.

[ro0tbe3r]

The Love Hypothesis

(I'm suffering from a severe headache while I'm typing this so I apologize in advance for some grammatical error and typos.) I haven't read actual books for a while, say, about almost a year already. I've been reading short fan fictions since my attention span could never (It sucks!). Anyways, after so much time scrolling on tiktok (booktok, as how they say) and bookmarking some stuffs to read, I finally got the time (or the boredom) to read a book after a while. The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood. As I've said, my attention span is shit and I can't really focus on doing one thing but this book made me read (I finished it in one sitting. It's around 300+ pages). It's a fun book I am telling you. What I love about books is that it gives you imagination and lets you run wild. Back to the book, The Love Hypothesis is about a grad student, Olive Smith, who lies to her best friend, Ahn that she is already dating and it is okay for her to date her former love interest and her best (not really) idea is to kiss the first random guy that he sees to make her lie credible (olive is a bad liar). Unfortunately for her she just kissed a professor, Dr. Adam Carlsen, who is best known for being an ass (dude got no remorse in making reviews about his grads' research and proposals) I really don't know how to explain how I feel without spoiling much about the book but sjhdaisoas the way ali hazelwood creates her characters is something I like. Olive has her own sob story that gets her going and Adam is just adam. Just a straight forward guy (you'll get what I am saying once you read it). It's very catching from the beginning up to the end. You'll look forward to how everything starts and how it will progress all throughout the story. Maybe I am just into this trope where the guy is indifferent to everyone but her or maybe not but what I am saying is this book is making me question my life choices (I suddenly want to be a woman in STEM but afraid I'll have the same discrimination Olive had at the academia) You'll want to scream about how smart and nice guys are only in books and not beside you (fr been screaming at myself bcoz of this) I love how warm Adam is to Olive. How welcoming and warm yet honest (most of the time) he is to Olive. Did I just word vomit? I really don't care kasasujdchao anyways, I'm pretty sure you'll like the love hypothesis if you read it. All the characters are quirky and fun. Also, if anyone has read this book pls talk and scream with me isohadao!! Anyways, I'm currently reading Love on the Brain by Ali Hazelwood (Levi and Bee!!). Hazelwood's books are mostly in academia. Lot's of science stuff and words (prepare your google search bar) but all in all cute and romantic. I mean, who wouldn't want a smart main characters?

[mcalhenwrites]

Now that Geckos is out, I plan to work on the side stories for a little collection of them. "Don't" and "Dancing Bones" will be edited, but I plan to post them online for free as well as put them in the story collection.

It'll likely only be an ebook, though, and it'll have a few more stories. That includes a finished version of "Late Returns" (what I've posted is only the first part of a WIP). I want to get back to Stargazers' Hill and the Warren/Henry story that isn't titled yet, but right now, Seasons has taken over my brain again. I'm editing and reposting chapters on AO3. I thought people might be upset that I was reposting it, but so far the reception has been kind. ;A; (I still feel bad somehow? But that's on me.) After publishing Geckos and having an amazing day in the next town over, the following day was... not so great. We had storms. I'm gonna be vague for location reasons, but I live in one of the towns hit by a tornado the other day. I saw a map of it, and uh, I could've seen the tornado out my bedroom window if it had hit during the day instead of at night where visibility is shit. And if I hadn't been huddled in the downstairs hallway with my cats and roommate. I was panicked about the weather all day, and that was worse because it was the anniversary of Andover 1991 (a tornado). I lived through that. Uh, very luckily I lived through that, it hit my neighborhood and was scary close to my house, to the point the sirens 50 ft away or so were drowned out by the sound of the tornado. We had no basement and no good inner rooms or closets in such a tiny house at the time. I've been through other tornadoes since then, but none were as terrifying as that one. Before the tornado and after the reminder that it was Andover 1991 aniversary... I also got an email that I didn't get a job that would've been good for my disabilities. Like, worked around it well and not been too straining on me. Plus I would've worked with animals. I'm struggling financially, so writing is the only way I'm getting any income - outside of crocheting, and I don't want to fucking do that for money. I want my hobby back. I want to make gifts. I want to make OC dolls. I want my limited physical spoons for crocheting to be for ENJOYMENT. Not so stressful it makes me fucking hate crocheting. Which... yeah, I'm kind of there again. That said, I have made a few book sales, but... Well, I'll keep trying. I've got other novels cooking. I'll double down my focus, maybe. I will sketch more. Maybe I'll reconsider using something like Patreon, which... don't love, but like. What can you love? Every site is screwing over creators in some way or another. :'( It's depressing, actually, bc I hop on facebook, and I can't see ANY posts of the people and groups I follow, but you know what I DO see? Fucking suggested pages for AI art. I really hope all the people who gentrified the tiny house movement get scammed into buying stupid fake tiny houses due to AI images and end up taking legal action eventually that helps to bring about the (hopefully inevitable) death of AI? I'm mean, but like, tiny houses and mobile homes and caravans and shit like that were houses before rich people decided they were cute and they went up to $200k-$300k. I wanted a tiny house bc I thought, "at least I might someday afford this" but nah. They took even that away. So enjoy your shitty "this is perfect for me" gushing when the fucking pillows are melted into the planks and the switches for the oven and stovetop are underneath the burners! Anyway! I should probably do more writing and take my anemic ass to bed soon. It's been... a shitty couple of days. I'm trying to be cheerful and remain optimistic and just boost Geckos, Automata... but eh. I'm also trying to survive when everything is against that. I had a suicidal thought earlier today that I should just gulp down all the pills I can get my hands on and be done with things. yay. (I won't. It was a passing thought. A desperate "oh god I can't afford to live and I should give up, I'm in my late 30s and nothing ever gets better" thought.)

[worldscollidinginone]

Chapter 8 - Love. Break up. Repeat

Book master list

Since we finished shooting the movie, the producers (me included) decided to have a celebratory dinner at a resto-bar. 

Everyone was celebrating the end of the project, with food and drinks. There were talks about what would happen next, would we ever join forces again with a new project, so many questions and not an answer in sight. 

And me? 

I was glad that the project was over. It took a long time to conceptualize, plan and then execute, so I now was reaping what I had sowed. All the hard work, energy and cohesion was necessary for this to happen. 

So, why wasn’t I happy? 

Somewhere in my mind, I knew that this project was going to end, sooner rather than later but I still felt unfulfilled, like we could have gone deeper, but we didn’t. Like the work we did was just an apology. And you know what else? Hollow. A feeling that was way too familiar to me. 

Anyway, the job is done now, and now I must focus on what to do when I get back to New York. 

Even though I was nursing a drink at the bar, showing that I was clearly busy and not interested, someone decides to sit next to me, and it's none other than Raghuvendra. 

"Can I sit here?" 

"Raghuvendra, yes, have a seat." 

He sat down on the bar stool next to me. 

"So, how can I help you with?" I was not interested in talking to anyone, let alone him. However, sometimes, we must play with the cards that we have available. So, small talk it is. 

He turns towards me. 

"What are your plans after this?" 

"What exactly do you mean?” 

“I mean, now that this project is completed, you are not going to stay here, are you?” 

“No, I am not. I might take a trip, though. Somewhere where I can get inspired for the next thing.” 

He inched closer. 

“What about the American project?” 

“What about it?” 

“What can you tell me about it?” 

“The only thing that I can really mention this to you specifically is that it’s going to produce by me, solely as of now. And I am still working on creating a good team for my passion project.” 

“So, anyone you deem good is going to be in the team, right?” 

“Yes...” I really don’t like where this is going. 

“What about me?” 

“What about it?” 

“Do you think that I am one of the key people that you need for your project?” 

“I am sorry but no. I don’t think you have what it takes to germinate a project which already an unconsidered subject. Then, I have been proven wrong a few times.” 

“So?” 

“My gut very rarely gets it wrong, and I trust my gut. So, I am saying this to you since you asked, no I don’t think I should include you in my team.” 

“What if I can get you to change your mind?” 

“Raghuvendra, I am not going to change my mind about this. This is final.” 

“What if...” 

"I said no. Are you this forthcoming to your seniors?" 

"Not really, only the ones that I could show a great time." 

"Raghuvendra, I suggest you don't proceed with what you are going to do, or else it's not going to end well." 

"I'll take my chance." 

Before he could touch me, I slapped him. Hard. 

“I don’t want to see you ever again. However, if I must see you again, I’ll make sure you stay away from team. And one other thing, you are permanently removed from any of my projects.” 

"You can't do that!" 

"I can and I will. Just watch me. And besides, whichever decision you were going to make on my project, you really think I wouldn't check up on my team? And the fact that you slept with the cinematographer, that's just..." 

"That's none of your business!" 

“It is my business when you act like you are the boss!” 

You are trying to guess how I found out? I'll tell you. Ganju told me. And a bit of guess work. 

"It is my business when you are hurting the people I work with, Raghuvendra! You need to stop, before it causes more problems in the future." 

"Besides, a friend is coming from America for a project of mine. You just lost your privileges as a producer. Sorry executive producer and I'll talk to HR to have you removed. I don't want a creep working here." 

He looked straight at me and looked like he was pondering about something. 

"Is it Aahana?" 

"Why do you want to know, hm?" 

"She is my ex." 

"I don't care. Unlike you, she is a professional and focuses on her work." Aahana is Raghuvendra's ex. That's going to get messy. 

“Stop bothering me and my team, and maybe I’ll rethink my decision.” 

So, to clear my headspace, I decided to step out of the restaurant and started humming a random tune.  

It helped for a bit, but then I saw Kaira and her friends stepping out as well, but Kaira seemed a little restless, like she couldn't wait to leave the place. 

She hadn't seen me, even though I was in her line of vision. 

"What happened, Kaira? You look off." 

"Off?" 

"I don't know, you seem to look different from the last time we talked." 

"I hope it's a good different." 

"Do you really need to have my approval for that?" 

"Not really." 

"So, can you tell me what happened? Why are you leaving?" 

"I brought my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, here." 

"Ex? And brought? As far I knew, your boyfriend owns this restaurant, right?" 

"Yes, he does own this restaurant. I broke up with him." 

"Can I ask why?" 

"I felt like I was stuck in that relationship." 

"In what sense? Like you weren't moving forward or is there something else that is bothering you?" 

"Look, I am exhausted, and the others need to go home and crash. Talk to you later?" 

"Okay, take care of yourself." 

After a while, I went home and straight to bed. But my sleep was gone, and the memories kept replaying in my mind.

Love. Breakup. Repeat.

Go to Chapter 8a

[miraculous-floconfettis]

20 questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for tagging me @lady-de-mon-coeur, i'll give it a try!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

5 (for now 😏 so many wips)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

175,379. (This question had me realise I had never used the Statistics part of ao3 before XD)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Miraculous Ladybug.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A knock on the skylight (highest number of kudos)

The White Room

Le battement d'ailes du Papillon

L'hôpital

Les chats errants n'aiment pas la pluie (very first Miraculous fic i posted on ao3)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always respond to comments. I don't receive a lot of comments and i love the idea that someone took some time to read my stories and write a comment about it, it means so much to me, you have no idea. And i also love chatting and discussing stuff with people so i always answer with something. It can be a simple "Thank you so much" but it can also be a full psychology essay, depending on the initial comment XD.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm a sucker for angsty fics with happy endings so none of my fics have angsty endings per se, but all my fics have an angsty/hurt/comfort kind of vibe.

But if I had to pick one, I guess it would be "The White Room". The story takes place during season 5 (if you've watched the whole show so far, you can guess what it's about 👀). The fic is canon divergent and the story ends with a cliffhanger that foreshadows a lot of angst.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I haven't posted the whole fic yet because... i have yet to write it, but i would say "L'hôpital" has the happiest ending of all my fics. It's on hiatus at the moment because i'm trying to focus on finishing "Le Battement d'Ailes du Papillon" first, but it's planned and drafted till the end (the last chapters are actually already fully written) and i can't wait to work on it again! People seemed to really like the first 3 chapters so it gives me some motivation to get it done asap!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, not really. I did get several mean comments on a fic that didn't even have to do with the fic itself, and one anonymous comment from a burner account that was dedicated to leave hate comments on fics for fun which said something like "this is so lame you should stop right now" XD

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No. I'm not into smut in fanfictions so i don't write smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

The first fanfiction i've ever written was actually a kind of crossover between Harry Potter and my OG characters, so it doesn't actually count as a crossover but still.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of, and I hope that'll never happen but i don't have a lot of readers so i guess i'm safe anyway XD

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I do translate my own fanfictions but that's it.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, writing is a solo activity for me.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

That's a hard question, I can't choose!

I love the whole Miraculous love square which has been my current obsession for years now, but i also have a soft spot for Sakura and Shaolan from Cardcaptor Sakura ❤️

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

My very first fanfiction (Harry Potter universe). I started it in 2002 I think. The 5th book wasn't out yet and I have the equivalent of 2 whole books planned in my head but not enough material to actually write full chapters and a whole story so i guess i'll never finish it, even though i still like it a lot.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think it would be writing emotions. That's what comes up the most in the comments in a very positive way and i'm really proud of it because that's actually what i love to focus on, and that's also what fuels and structures all my writing process. My rule is if an action isn't motivated by an emotion, then it doesn't make any sense and will seem fake or coming out of nowhere. Everything revolves around emotions.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Banter. I really suck at writing banter and jokes. Whenever I'm trying to write a light and playful chapter, it always ends up being way heavier and more emotional that i planned it to be.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

🤔

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I love all of them in a different way, i really can't choose!

_

I'm tagging whoever wants to do it!

[cosettepontmercys]

Hi! Ya I was curious about the extra bonus track..but some people said it might just be a remix so I wasn't too sure about it. I like the color though and how it also matches one of her 1989 outfits on tour like people were saying. But I kinda wonder why she is doing so much for 1989..similar to Midnights with the extra bonus track and different covers..but I think she just wants it to be really successful over the original version. I may buy one for the car eventually but it also won't have the bonus song so idk. I loved her VMAS look and after-party look..and how she wore a dress similar to Sabrina's and hung out with Selena! I love that they're still close.

Ooh that concert should be fun and I'm happy you got tickets! Hopefully she works on stage presence too. The whole album has grown on me more..especially Get him back, but i have the same favorites. Ooh yes I am hoping to listen to Laufey, Mitski and Madison Beer soon. They all kinda have a slow style and almost old fashioned sound which I like. I would say it was true for Billie's other album as well if you listen to it. But Olivia's was actually more rockish lol...so I really just like it all.

I never saw Ride the Cyclone but have heard good things about it. I guess I'm not as familiar with some off Broadway stuff for the most part but that's cool. I hope we can both like Broadway again soon. But I see you watched the Little Mermaid movie and so did I! It's nice thinking we both did the same thing near each other like with the Eras tour..and hopefully with seeing the tour movie too. Anyway I thought it was mostly fine..but also good. But I mostly enjoy all the remakes..cuz I already know what I'm getting so I can't be too disappointed. But anyway..ya new songs sometimes always feel unnecessary anyway. I knew it was Lin beforehand but also you can always kinda hear Lin's style too so it's interesting you didn't know. But it was more obvious in Encanto than here. I'm still a fan of his though! But I will watch any musical movie and at least somewhat enjoy it lol. I am also using it as an opportunity to watch the Cinderella with Brandy and Bernadette Peters finally..and hoping to watch the new Theater Camp movie that's now on Hulu. I'm also looking forward to seeing her in the Color Purple movie when it comes out, since I thought she was a pretty good Ariel. What were your thoughts? I get the idea that ya it doesn't really need to be remade cuz we have stage versions too so sometimes it's just kinda okay..I think they're all pretty equal to me.

I'm glad you're feeling better! I wasn't feeling as well either which is why I didn't reply right away. But I've also more offline and trying to read more too. I will hopefully be done with Some Mistakes Were Made by the end of this week..maybe. since I am now trying to read more books in the readathon and focus on that. I will probably put The Night Circus in cozy fantasy then, and finishing up picking for the other categories. I don't really listen to audiobooks cuz I get too distracted or can't focus on it. It would have to be a good one too..a lot of the ones I'm familiar with is just like reading out loud so I don't usually listen to them..but i could see how it might make you enjoy the book more if the audio was good. I'm glad you are reading more books you enjoy and getting more done for the readathon. I will definitely look into any book you love or recommend! Have a good week!

hi hello!! i'm definitely curious to see what she ends up doing in terms of remixes for 1989 tv! and i've seen some theories about her alternating between not a lot of promo and then a lot of promo, which is cool — and would make sense with rep being an album with not a lot of promo which means (in my delusional brain) that debut would have a lotttt of promo !! i do not think that's true, but i would love it if debut finally got paid its dues. unfortunately, the different covers is just the norm now; i think sour & guts both had ~ 15/16 variants, most artists have at least 3 but a lot of them usually have more, it's just a marketing/sales thing, unfortunately. and yes!! i think it's so cute how close they are <3

i listened to the new laufey last week but haven't had time to relisten and so i do not have favorites for you yet! i've actually never listened to madison beer, but tiktok keeps pushing her on me so i might give her album a go soon! and the new mitski — i am just very behind on music lately (been listening to audiobooks instead) but i am very excited to give the new mitski a go! one of my best friends got to go to an early listening party in a planetarium for the new mitski, and that experience sounded SO cool. guts has definitely grown on me a lot more; i think i like it more than sour, but that might be recency bias.

i saw ride the cyclone twice in seattle, and it is just such a weird little musical that i love with my entire heart! i love odd little shows that just make me think, and ride the cyclone definitely is one of those shows. i'm seeing the national tour of hadestown in a few weeks which i'm super excited for; i've seen it on broadway twice, but missed the tour last year when they were in seattle (got into seattle and then found out they cancelled my performance twenty minutes before doors opened). and i just got tickets to go see a regional performance of the band's visit when i'm in boston this fall, so i'm super stoked! i hope you're also able to love broadway again soon 🤍

and yes!! i love that! 🥺 i think i was a little disappointed by the remake? i don't usually like remakes though (aside from live action cinderella). i really loved halle bailey as ariel, but was a bit let down by jonah h-k as eric (and sent my friend caitlyn several voice memos about how his eric reminds me of how he plays laurie in PBS little women) vocally but also just wasn't the biggest fan of his characterization/interpretation! i think the remake also just didn't do a whole lot for me, which is fine! the pacing felt very drawn out, i wish the costumes were a bit brighter in color, and i think some of the casting was interesting, but i really loved daveed diggs as sebastian! i haven't actually wanted encanto but i keep meaning to!

i'm SO excited for theatre camp! i think i'm watching it on friday with a friend; i love molly gordon, and will watch anything for her haha. the color purple remake looks so good, i saw a trailer of it when i watched barbie and it looks amazing!! in general though, i really have mixed feelings because i don't think everything needs to be a remake — i think some things work better as proshots vs. remakes, and sometimes i just get sad because there are perfectly good actors who can sing well that we can cast in musicals and a lot of remakes/movie musicals don't do that (this isn't about any cast/movie in particular, just an overarching generalization).

i hope you're feeling better!! i feel like everyone is getting sick/ill lately :( take care of yourself, friend! i haven't really been doing the readathon as much as i want to either — jamie and i were briefly talking about doing an october / nov / dec one instead (i have some prompt ideas, might just post them to encourage the besties to read more if people are interested)! do you have anything fun planned for this weekend? what are you currently reading/watching/listening? 🤍

[pastelwitchling]

Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson

⭐⭐.75 stars

Wow. I'm struggling to remember what I just read. In all honesty, I thought I'd be furious after I finally finished, but I'm just tired.

So here's what I liked about the book:

- The main characters. I really loved Elisabeth, Nathaniel, and Silas.

- Silas. I know I mentioned him earlier, but he deserves another note all to his own.

- The action scenes. They were really well-written and exciting, and I like that Elisabeth wasn't some master swordswoman from the beginning. It felt like she really earned the weapon throughout the story.

- Silas.

- The friendship between all three of them.

- Silas.

- Also, the climax at the end in the library. The books, all the sacrifices from so many characters, even the whole scene when Valentine summoned Raziel, this glowing otherworldly being, as our badass teenage female main character fought to stop him, and then the way Raziel scoffed at Valentine for being a weak mortal, way in over his head and tried to kill him was pretty cool...

Oh. Sorry, that's The Mortal Instruments. I don't know how I got those two mixed up. I meant the whole scene when Ashcroft summoned Archon, this glowing otherworldly being, as our badass teenage female main character fought to stop him, and then the way Archon scoffed at Ashcroft for being a weak mortal, way in over his head and tried to kill him. My bad.

- The epilogue.

- Silas as a cat. Favorite thing.

Things I hated:

- The COMPLETE lack of world-building. Name it; the libraries, the towns, the manors - we don't get more than two chapters in every place, and NONE of them are properly described in a way that feels remotely immersive or real. I have no idea what the library in Summershall looked like, and when she goes to the city? That's a laugh; it's Victorian London. There isn't a single difference. The time setting is all over the place, the only magic happens occasionally in the sorcerers' homes and the final climax, and while the grimoires were clearly inspired by the ones in the Restricted Section from Harry Potter, which could've been amazing, there is NONE of the character. We're just TOLD what the books are like and what they do instead of getting to see or hear any of them, and for a book that FOCUSES on these grimoires, it seems like if you were going to put any extra effort in giving life to one aspect of the book, it would be the libraries.

- Nathaniel and Silas are the sole sources of comedy we have in this book. Everything feels very much like, "This sounds funny, doesn't it?" and no, it doesn't. It's a good thing Elisabeth is such a brilliant, brave character because my god, her humor makes me wince.

- This book clearly should've been a series, because there are waaaaaaaaaaaay too many plots going on, too many places that we don't spend any time in, too many characters that we don't get to know before they're gone again, and that's what's so infuriating about the book as a whole. There is so much potential for every one of these places and relationships, but instead of establishing any of them, we're there for a chapter or two, and then we leave. When Elisabeth kept referencing past events in the last third, I was struggling to remember any of them because there were just way too many inconsequential characters and places that were never thoroughly described anyway.

- Nathaniel and Elisabeth's romance. Here's the thing. The author apparently came out with a disclaimer on goodreads that the romance was only a subplot, and not the main focus. Fine, you can do that, but if that's your plan, you have to a) establish all the other places and characters Elisabeth runs into. All of them have to be immersive, have to feel real, have to have some meaning instead of just something else on the page so that we feel the weight of her journey as an individual. And b) you have to understand then that the romance can't be rushed when it does come. You can't have an entire 2/3rds of Nathaniel and Elisabeth never talking, never even really being around each other, and then have them willing to give up the world for each other. And guess what? You didn't do either of those two things.

You had them barely have any conversations, and then Nathaniel was ready to give up "everything, anything" for her, and it doesn't make sense. They didn't have any chemistry. If you insisted on having a romance, you could've cut out the cringey kiss and all the "tension" that wasn't even there, and kept everything else. Then at the very end, in the epilogue, they could've kissed and THAT would've been the start to their relationship, which would've felt more earned because they were clearly close friends first that went through a lot together at fought at each other's side. As it stands, it felt like you either wanted the romantic storyline but didn't know how to build up to it, or didn't want it at all but figured it should be there because... guy and girl. I don't know, it didn't work.

- The whole thing about the libraries demonizing all sorcerers makes no logical sense. They have grimoires on EVERYTHING. How do they claim to be the "wardens" of literal knowledge, and yet feel so differently than an entire town does? I mean the town clearly is indifferent to them at worst and idolizes them at best, and yet even the library IN THAT TOWN has archaic beliefs about magic? Even with all the access they have to history books and the truth? It just felt like plot convenience.

- The weird man vs woman thing that came up a few times when it clearly didn't make sense either. Like in the scene with this physician. She gets him alone, rambles about how the owner of the house and the town's most highly-esteemed sorcerer is actually plotting something evil, she catches sight of her reflection and ADMITS she looks sick and unhinged, violently grabs his arm and hisses at him, and then when he doesn't believe her and says she's suffering from delusions, she says "yes, of course, this was just another man unwilling to hear what he doesn't want to hear from a girl."

Ummm. NOOOO? He thinks you're crazy because you LOOK and SOUND crazy. You didn't present the truth well at all. And I know that this is a legitimate issue of the time (I'm assuming, since again, the book does such a terrible job at presenting whatever time period we're supposed to be in; I know it's the 1800s, but what does that mean in a high fantasy, WHICH IS WHAT THIS IS?), but the author didn't show the right scene for that at all. This isn't a guy unwilling to listen to you because he thinks you're a stupid girl. It's a guy unwilling to listen to you because you look sick and you're throwing claims around about a highly-respected person in society. AFTER YOU'VE WOKEN UP FROM SUPPOSEDLY PASSING OUT. It's just a weird addition that comes in maybe two more times in the whole book, and no, neither of those scenarios make any sense for it either.

- The books gets weirdly more poetic in the second half, and it just makes things sound confusing.

- The weird attack when the grimoire gets damaged and Nathaniel thinks it's his fault when it very clearly isn't? This isn't a matter of me defending him, this is a matter of me legitimately not understanding how he even kind of came to that conclusion. It just felt like a poor way of revealing to him that he was having nightmares again. That's the whole book in a nutshell; good intentions, but terrible executions.

I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting, but like I said, I'm tired. I'm done, I'm glad it's over, onto something else now.

[tetrisfinished]

trigger warning: miscarriage

please heed the warning. if this is something that triggers you...put yourself first and move past this post.

normally i'd make a deprecating joke here about how no one ever does read this but for this post, just the mention of the joke will have to do...given the subject matter.

okay so if you haven't already guessed it - here it is: i've had a miscarriage. and as far as the "process" of a miscarriage goes...i'm almsot done. i will speak to my doctor next week and she will send me an ultrasound and bloodwork req just to ensure everything's "cleared out" and that should be the book end to that chapter of my life.

before i go any farther or begin from the beginning; i do want to say and be very clear that i am not now or have so far accepted any personal responsibility for this miscarriage. and i'm lucky that i've only had ONE person hint at how i have to be more careful. ie that it might have been my own negligence that caused my miscarriage. but i'm here to say...i know how i was and i know i could have been better. but in this particular instance - what has happened has happened and while i have maybe some learnings from it...i refuse to carry the burden of blame on my shoulders for this life event that was written for me, i guess. that's all.

so let's rewind to the beginning of this chapter. i was on the fence for a looong time about whether or not i wanted a second kid.

or i guess, if i'm being really honest - i didn't want a second kid. i was pretty content (and AM STILL) with esa and calling it. but one day, esa was home during a weekday (daycare closure etc) and yasir was busy with his work and i was busy with mine.

still esa came upstairs and asked me to come play with him. even as i type this now, recalling that moment, i want to kill myself and i'm getting teary eyed.

i was just finishing up something that was due (important deadline) and i had an upcoming meeting and it was an overall busy time for me. so i told esa sorry baby i can't play, mama has to work.

and esa has and had heard this statement before. and he understands what it means. normally his reaction is to push and push and say "mama not working" or "mama play" or "make a ground mama" (come sit with me and play on the ground).

but that day...i don't know what it was. maybe he sensed the urgency in my voice? maybe he sensed that i felt trapped too....or maybe his own brain decided to take him somewhere else to do something else.

but he turned around with his toys in his hands and he quietly walked away.

didn't say another word, didn't protest or argue....just walked away.

i sat there bawling for the next 20 minutes trying to re-gain whatever focus i had had for the work i was doing. somehow i think i managed to half ass finish it, but the quality of work was such that it might just have been worthwhile for me to abandon it and play with my kid for 20 minutes.

all this to say that...at that point, i realized the value in having a sibling. the value that i would provide to my kid (maybe....given that they don't end up hating each other anyway) by giving him a sibling.

that was sort of what was the deciding factor for me. so come november, we started trying. and when i say started trying - i mean we just stopped trying NOT to (got rid of our condoms lol). and come december i had a positive pregnancy test lol. so the journey began....

the first thing you do when you get pregnant is a bunch of bloodwork and the dating ultrasound that would tell you how far along you are and a due date. so i went for it. now, i want to preface this with the fact that i never track my period (i'm an idiot, i know, i know, but i just never truly understood the value....obviously i know the value, but i figured there's an ultrasound to tell me so why bother tracking).

so when i went for my first ultrasound, it looked like it was too early for them to even get a heartbeat so the ultrasound tech recommended that i book another one.

at the second one, it looked like the fetus was measuring 7 weeks, 4 days but even then the tech was unable to get a clear heartbeat and so once again she recommended another one.

at the third ultrasound, almost a month after the second one, the fetus was measuring at 7 weeks. so it had even shrunk from where it was the previous time. and actually my third ultrasound was on a monday and i had started seeing blood on the toilet paper on the saturday just prior to it.

so i was fairly certain of what was happening and after my ultrasound, my doctor confirmed it as well. unviable pregnancy, and i should be having a miscarriage (the process of it) within the next week or so.

which i then proceeded to have.

the worst of it was the day and especially evening/night of jan 25th, 2023. for roughly 6 hours that evening from 4 pm to 10 pm i was just more or less on the toilet passing a bloodbath. and cramping. REALLY HARD.

maybe it wasn't as hard to anyone else, but as someone who's been blessed most of her life with super chill periods (little to NO cramping) and a VERY chill pregnancy and delivery....it was tough for me.

and luckily we were out of advil. and luckily it was a wild crazy winter storm night. and luckily my neighbours were also out of advil. but anyway, around 10 pm that night i finally relaxed and fell asleep because it instantly felt like the worst of it had passed and the cramping eased almost immediately.

at that point i think my body was so super tired that i just fell into bed and probably was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

over the next days, i continued to bleed and even today i have TINY little specks of red. but i do believe that i'm either at the end or SUPER NEAR it. and i'm also happy and relieved to say that after that night the intense cramping never came back.

so that was that. and i guess that was that for the physical aspect of my pain.

as far as the emotional aspect...i won't lie (despite the truth making me feel like some level of psychopathic....) - i'm okay. i had one quick little slump (perhaps brought on by the movie i watched called "a man called otto") this past monday but more or less...i guess i had a feeling about this pregnancy from the beginning.

and i was almost prepared for it. SubhanAllah for whatever i was being protected from and whatever pain Allah masked from me so that i can move on so "scot-free" from this pregnancy/miscarriage.

according to my mother - Allah did not protect me from anything, but rather showed me the consequence of my ungrateful behaviour at moaning about not actually wanting a second kid (after having gotten pregnant and having actively tried for it lol). she's not wrong - it was probably that too. but maybe Allah also did it because He knew i was ill prepared for it.

who knows what He has planned. all we know is that His is the best of plans and that He plans perfectly.

so SubhanAllah and Alhumdulillah for everything.

that's it for my miscarriage....

i think we will try again, because despite having gone through a miscarriage that moment with esa hasn't left my memory yet. and the pain of the miscarriage hasn't overwritten it yet.

so i most likely will still try again for a second kid, because i want my kid to have someone the way i have my sister. and maybe they'll realize much later in life that they like each other, and maybe they'll become friends much later...but there is no denying the natural closeness that comes of living together under the same set of parents for the MOST formative years of your life.

this is the end of this post.

much love!

-k

[fixyourwritinghabits]

Hi i was wondering if you had any tips on how to write and finish projects faster? I feel like other writers are out there slamming out work at light speed, and i’m over here taking a month to write and edit like 5k

I honestly wish I did. All my usual tips and tricks - change locations, do an in-person writing meet-up, switch out your writing tools - are... hard to do in a pandemic. My attention span is shot and I'm seriously considering looking into a lockbox for my phone so I stop picking it up every five minutes. I don't know how anyone gets anything done anymore.

And I gotta tell you, 5k a month is fricking fantastic. If you are writing and editing words you like and are satisfied with, you are doing great. I know a lot of really talented people who are simply too burned out to write anything right now. You are doing good.

BUT if you truly want advise from someone who is in the category of "idk how i'm functioning rn, much less writing", I do have this:

First, sit down and look at your goals. What do you want to accomplish this year? A book? A bundle of short stories? Really take the time to think about it - you may be stretching yourself too thin, or you may not be working with all the tools in your box. Do you need to focus on one project over all the others? Do you need to cut back on your editing to get more drafting done?

Second, when are you writing? Where? How many times do you stop and check your phone while doing it? Stop that, I mean it. Could you be more productive if you got up earlier? (Believe me, I hate this suggestion as much as you do, but it can work!) Can you schedule time when the only thing you do is writing? Take some time to change up your schedule over the next month, and see how that helps.

Third, PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE. I MEAN IT. STOP TOUCHING IT. Anyway, uh, distractions are a huge factor in how much you can get done, and while it might not be safe to go to the library or a cafe right now, you may still benefit from some noise-canceling headphones and finding a new place to write at to break some of those habits. Find those lofi music streams that help you focus.

Fourth, chunk your goals. Do you want to write a novel? Let's break down the steps to get there. How many chapters do you have planned? How many pages are in a typical chapter? How many pages do you manage to write a day? Can you set a daily page or word count to see what it takes to reach it? If writing daily isn't for you, what's a good weekly goal? Can you track your progress throughout the week to see what works and what didn't?

And lastly, I can't tell you how many of those lightning fast writers I've seen burn out and burn out bad. Anyone who's juggling a full time job, kids and a mortgage, attending school, a podcast about having kids and/or murder, AND shelling out their novel at 20k a week is going to hit a wall very soon and very hard. Burning the candle from both ends isn't going to make you successful, it's going to leave you with no candle left to burn. Look into increasing your productivity, but don't jump off the deep end, and don't let the seeming success of others push you too far too fast. You've got to find your own way of doing things.

[mxtcha-tea]

domestic shiratorizawa

⊹summary; the life inside the dorms of shiratorizawa

⊹pilots; gn![y/n], ushijima, tendou, semi, yamagata, reon, kawanishi, shirabu, goshiki (pairings showed; yamagata x reader, goshiki x reader)

⊹genre; fluff, crack and some cursings (no proofread)

⊹flight details; i've once made a domestic imagines in my old blog so imma make a small reboot of it <3

random shopping

normal day, normal life. you could've seen yourself laying or even napping in your room while a compilation of minecraft songs plays in the background. but no. instead, you're inside an antique shop with Yamagata, Ushijima and Tendou.

you have no idea when, or how did the process happened but you surely is done with getting dragged inside the shop by Tendou and Yamagata.

while Ushijima's stuck on a section, you don't know where, but he's definitely stuck there, "[y/n]! look at what i found,"

Yamagata called you as you turned around to see him holding up a pretty heavy doll. you raise your brow, "what the hell is that?" walking towards him and taking a closer look at the object in hand,

"i think it's a, um, i think a matryoska doll? matroyska? is that how you say it?" "why're you asking me, i don't know jack shit about russian stuff,"

"ah you mean, matryoshka doll?" Tendou butted in, startling you two, "it's also called a 'nesting doll' and did you actually know that it was actually originated from china?"

Yamagata's eyes practically sparkled at that with a surprised look, "from china? really?"

you can only roll your eyes, "and how can you even know all that?" Tendou snickered and put on a smug face, "i'm actually very smart, y'know. ya'll just don't know about it," "says the person in class 2,"

"i blame the mathematic old hags for adding letters in math, and the apple that fucking hit my man Isaac," you tsk'ed and walk towards the next section. Yamagata passive aggressively put the matryoshka doll down and follow after you along with Tendou,

"also, we need to find ushijima, i think he's stuck in some section between here...ah there," you stopped walking and turn to your right where you find Ushijima reading a book.

Tendou skipped towards him and smack his shoulder, "you okay, wakatoshi-kun? you sure did took longer to look at the stuff here," while Tendou chats with Ushijima, Yamagata look up at the shelves as something caught his eyes.

he tried to reach it while tip toing but due to his height, he can't reach it. then, he jumped from his spot to grab the object but end up hitting his head onto the board, "AGH, FUCK!" which causes you all to look at him, watching him hold his head while shivering from the pain,

"are you okay, yamagata?" ushijima ask, putting back the book on the shelves, "yeah, yeah, i'm just tryna get that," he shakes his head before pointing up.

you followed his finger and caught a glimpse of an old polaroid. it's a little bit dusty but other than that, it looks new. Ushijima reached it from his spot and managed to grab it, "here,"

he hands it to Yamagata as he instantly recovered from his recent pain and snatch it from Ushijima's hand, subtly thanking him with a grin, "why do you even need a polaroid?" Tendou asked, leaning his arm over Ushijima's shoulder with one brow up,

"pfft, for journaling of course,"

a gust of wind went through you while staring at him with a poker face, the same with Tendou with a small cat like smile. Ushijima just looked the same,

"okay," "WHAT'S WITH THE TONE??" you blinked and just knit your eyebrows, "i mean, since when you started journaling? you're not even the type of person to do something aesthetic,"

he pouted and just crosses his arms, "so what? that doesn't mean i can't do it, right? have faith in me god darn it. and honestly, my journal looks good so far," "well, fine,"

you waved your hand at him and continue going through the other section. and just like that, "hey wait!" Yamagata tailed after you.

Tendou snickered at the two and focus back on Ushijima, who's still watching the display yet again, "have you thought of what to buy wakatoshi-kun?" "i'm not sure, there's a lot of interesting stuff here," "well, you've only been in this section but okay~"

studying

"agh, why did those idiots really have to call me at this time...?"

you groaned, slowly walking through the halls with a slouched figure. tracing your fingers along the wall with a dejected look. you're suppose to sleep today.

an hour or two long sleep. it's finally the weekend which means the time for you to sleep all of your problems away. drifting into slumber with fluffy pillows and warm blankets, enjoying your dream as long as you can.

until your ringtone annoyingly rings next to your ear. you answer the call, and again greeted by the most annoying human in the planet,

"[y/n], we need you at the gym right now!"

"huh? oh fuck off Tendou, i need to sleep right now,"

"nuh uh, you can sleep later after you go to the gym,"

"why? are you, i don't know, practicing or something?"

"you have to find out. if you don't move your ass from that bed, we'll send Hayato to wake you up~"

". . ."

and now, you find yourself standing in front of the door of shiratorizawa's volleyball gym. not only that Tendou wakes you up from your sleep, you also had to WALK all the way from your dorm to the gym,

"i'm gonna add more time to their practices after this..."

sliding the door open, you expect them to be doing serves or maybe spikes.

but instead, you're seeing them—as in the 3rd years—all sitting down at the middle of the court, with books around them.

and what's even more confusing is that they somehow managed to bring a table inside. no, not the flip-able table.

literally a whole ass table.

Reon looks up from his book and notices your figure standing on the door way. he waves his hand at you, you did the same but still with a confused look.

Yamagata was next to see you as he abruptly stand up from his spot, shaking the table in the process,

"Hayato! stop shaking the table," "oops, sorry. ah, wait, [y/n]!"

that caught all of the boys attention as they look at you, "what taking you so long to arrive?" Tendou asked, a pen rested in between his upper lip and nose.

Semi smacked him in the face—earning an 'ow'—before shaking his head,

"their dorm is literally far from the gym, and why do you even proposed your idea of studying at the gym anyway?"

you make your way towards them, Reon patting the empty spot next to him. you sat down on your spot as Yamagata did the same. seemed like he was waiting for you.

Tendou rubbed his nose and pouted at Semi, "this was the best place to study anyway! it have much more room,"

"we should've gone to the cafeteria OR the LIBRARY," Semi groaned, looking back at his book before writing on it,

"pfft, the cafeteria's no fun. and i got banned from the library," Reon looks at Tendou with confusion, "well, it's not surprising,"

Tendou shrugged, "i was also banned from the library," Ushijima said, not looking up from his notes as you knit your eyebrows at that,

"you're also banned from the library? Satori, what did you and Ushijima did—" "anyways, um,"

he cut you off, fidgeting with his pen before pointing it at you, "right, you need to tutor us on this subject~!"

you blinked, looking down at the book they're studying about, "haven't the teacher covered this already?"

"well, i'm sorry, class 6. but we have no idea how this thing works. maybe only Reon, but look at Semi,"

Tendou wrapped his arm around Semi's neck, practically head locking him, "he's from class 1 and i think you should teach him about this the most," "I'll rip your fucking head off, Tendou!"

while both of them tried to strangle each other, Yamagata caught your attention next,

"and also, it won't be fun without you, y'know," Reon nodded, "and don't forget that you can't leave me alone in this,"

"oh right," "hm? what was that?" Yamagata asked. you just shake your head with a defeated smile, "nothing..."

after clearing your throat, you snatched Semi's book away before flipping through the pages,

"okay you scumbags, it's time to learn,"

oblivious enough

the birds chirped from the tree, the hallway's as loud as ever. Semi and Tendou's leaning against the window, each of them drinking apple juice and eating yakisoba bread.

it was silence between them before Semi spoke, "hey, Tendou," "yes Semi-Semi?" "y'know,"

Semi turned his head to look at Tendou as the redhead did the same, "have you, noticed the relationship between [y/n] and Yamagata lately?"

the latter made a thinking face, before nodding, "hm, seems so,"

"do you think, either one of them ever noticed about it?" Tendou shakes his head at the question, "nope, i don't think they do. in fact, they might be completely oblivious to it,"

Semi snickered, "right, like that one time..."

"[y/n], do you think my lips are dry right now?"

you look up from your clipboard, seeing Yamagata pointing his lips, "hm, nah. they're fine, but if you want, i can but on some lip balm,"

his eyes sparkled at that as he nodded his head with excitement, "sure!" you walk towards your bag with Yamagata following you. opening the zipper and search inside it, you pull out your lip balm,

"here, hold still," you put a hand on his cheek while the other applies lip balm onto his lips. it was a slow process but he managed to not move at all while making eye contact with you.

once you finished applying, he pop his lips before humming, "mn, cherry," "let me know if you need anything else,"

he nodded with now flushed cheeks as he smile at you. you did the same, gently patting his arm.

from a distance, Shirabu looks at them with a disgusted look, "ugh, can't they be more subtle about it,"

Kawanishi shrugged, "just let them be,"

"how can i redo my memory? i don't need to see that this early," "well, what if it was us?" "i would be twice as grossed, i can put my own lip balm," "hm yeah, you're right, i honestly would be like that too," "good,"

"haha yeah, now that i think about it, they do it all the time right?" Tendou nodded at Semi's statement before hearing the all too familiar voice just a few meters away from them,

"[y/n]!"

you turned your head around while still sipping your drink. Yamagata stood in front of you, holding out his visibly crumpled necktie with a small smile,

"my necktie!" "ah again? whatever," you give your drink to him as he hold it for you.

grabbing the necktie from his hand, looping it around his collar shirt and started tying it with a concentrated look,

"i can't say that it'll be clean when i finished tying it," "it's okay! that's why i'm asking you to do it, messy or not, at least i have it on," "hm, yeah,"

after you finished tying it and patting it a little, Yamagata hugged you, "thank you!" "yeah, you're welcome,"

the aura literally radiates on the slightly crowded hallway as some of the students who passed you talked among themselves.

Semi and Tendou stared at you two, expressionless eyes but with a small smile,

'ah, right,'

Tendou sighed, intertwining his fingers together and lifting it up to his cheeks, "ah, young love~"

"we're all the same age,"

"young love~"

bonus; reliable kouhai

lifeless.

is what goshiki would say when he took a few glances at you from his book. you promised to tutor him about this subject he's struggling on. but didn't really expect to see your slouched form walking inside the library.

he's not even sure if you even hear anything you're saying right now, "get a shovel and two-" your head hit the table, creating a loud sound and catching the attention of almost everyone inside the library,

"[y/n]-senpai, um, are you okay??" you groaned and rapidly blink your eyes, covering your forehead, "yeah, 'm just..."

a yawn escaped from your mouth before you can even finish your sentence, "...tired. those stupid senpais of yours need help tutoring too even tho being grown ass men,"

goshiki closes his book and creating a small 'thump', snapping you out from your mind,

"well, if that so then you didn't have to come, you could've just tell me and i would be fine with it!" your hoarse laugh caught him off guard as a shade of red ran across his cheeks, "i can't break a promise, tsutomu. why do you even think i agree on tutoring you?"

"uh, cause you want to help me with my studies?" "one of it, and cause i enjoy tutoring you," he can feel his cheeks heating up more when you made eye contact with him, a small smile laced upon your face,

"and honestly, you're smarter than i thought. class 4 right? that's cool," he looked away, trying to calm his nerves down, "t-thanks! a lot of people thought i was in a lower class, so i, i appreciate it,"

goshiki took a peek at you, now burying your face onto your face, "also, senpai," "hm?"

"you should take a nap for now, i think i can start understanding this formula," you slightly look up at him, "you sure? i was prolly talking craps just now," "yeah! your health is more important anyway,"

you hum, offering him a warm smile, "thanks, i know i can count on you," you rested onto your side and close your eyes. lips slightly parted and just like that, you're deep in your dreams.

he pursed his lips, slowly leaning against the table to look at your face. it's calm, peaceful and beautiful, kissable lips. he wonder if he could lean in a little closer until you two-

goshiki instantly jolted up and hit himself on the head, face's covered in the color red, 'no! don't think about that, curse you Tendou-San for introducing me to those mangas...'

Tendou's faces ran across his mind as he grunted,

'why're they so pretty??'