#but yeah! feeling very safe here with these pieces of myself I get to share <3

[lavenoon]

Hey there, friendly reminder that you are awesome, amazing, and astoundingly talented! <3

Aaa hi Fan!! Making me melt too, I see 💜

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

I get to reread my own stuff, in more detail than if I just tried to remember an idea or daydream, and it feels much more tangible written down! I still reread fic I never published because it's just for me, and sometimes surprise myself with scenes I had entirely forgotten! So I'm very glad I wrote them down <3

There's also definitely the engagement/ interaction for published fic. Like yes, I shouldn't make anything dependent on that, but it's just so so validating and fun to hear from other people, and to enjoy something together! I'm very happy I get to share my ideas, and have people be excited for them <3

💋 when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

Answered a bit more in depth here, but in short, I definitely enjoy it! I never want the author to feel pressured though, it's just a little bonus treat <3

🕯️ how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

There's the difference between worth and validation - you may know as a writer (or artist, creator of any kind) that your work has worth, but the validation is what makes you want to share it. If you don't feel like anyone reads your work, why would you continue publishing it? It doesn't mean you necessarily stop writing, but to post something you created means being vulnerable and putting a piece of yourself out there. If there's just no engagement, it feels like rejection.

Fandom is about interaction. We all want to share thoughts and ideas and theories, and it is vital to engage with what is there. That doesn't mean everyone needs to comment on everything! But if you read something, and you enjoy it, you definitely should leave some sort of "I liked this" reaction.

For the socially anxious folks, or people with few social spoons, there's always the options of likes and kudos - as long as these people don't make up the vast majority of a fandom, engagement will easily continue flowing even without explicit words from them! There's also anon options, or those pre-made html codes for more kudos, or other very simple comments (like just "extra kudos!" without any html) that still let an author know you liked it!

Plus, especially if it's anxiety making the engagement hard... The author did the same? Bearing a piece of themself for others to see, and as long as you don't waltz in and just point out all flaws without saying anything else, why would they not enjoy hearing from you? Comments give the author an idea what was good, what might need elaboration, and what ideas resonate!

Some people feel more comfortable on tumblr, some more on discord, some more in a different constellation - but please, please make an effort to engage. It's what keeps things going - you can't just "consume" and not give anything back, if everyone did that, creators would burn out like a flash fire and stop publishing things. I know I did. It's worth the anxiety, it's worth the effort, and a little bit can go a long way. I'm anxious any time I post, and I still do it! So as a creator I just want to hear from people that it was worth it for me, too, that it's received well. Find a form of engagement that works for you, but engage - otherwise, in time, there won't be anything to engage with.

🧿 what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

Uh, admittedly, not too many. My rsd and anxiety unfortunately tend to make me catastrophize, and mostly it's damage control, not prevention.

What I do do is look at what engagement I did get - every kudos/ comment is a person, and even if it doesn't seem much, those are real people who like my work. Every bookmark means someone wants to see more. Those already mean a lot, and I remind myself to not get caught up in numbers - with private bookmarks, all the people who bookmarked AU might not even fit into my home! That's so so many people! Even my other fic, which runs at 16 bookmarks - that's a lot of people in a room!

So in short, I visualize the engagement I get as actual people, remind myself that was a real person who took time out of their day to let me know they liked my work! It's really never happened to me that there's no one who interacted with my work, and even if there were... Well, I already write a lot for just myself or friends, things that I don't necessarily share with the wide public, so I know where to go to find the validation I crave, and sometimes that validation is just keeping things entirely to myself and reread them again and again <3

[dumplingsjinson]

List of random dialogue prompts (pt. 3)

“Truth be told? I miss the times — the me — before I fell in love with you.” 

“You know, I can see myself in, on top of, or under you. What do you say?” “I can see you buried six feet under my very feet if you don’t stop joking about this shit with me.” 

“Was there a point when you fell out of love with me?” “There was a point when I fell in love with you, but never out.”

“When did you fall out of love with me?” “That’s the thing: I never fell out of love with you. You’re the one who fell out of love with me.”

“Right person, wrong time… What if this is the right time? We’re just the wrong people for each other.”

“You have me wrapped around your fingers. Crazy part is, I don’t mind it.” 

“Don’t forget this: I made you. I can easily break you if I wanted to.” 

“I shared pieces of me, with so many people, and none of them kept those pieces safe, and I don’t know if I can risk that with you because it would devastate me if you turn out to be the same as them all. I would be completely destroyed.” 

“Don’t give me that look.”

“You okay?” “No. I need hugs. From you. I need you to hug me.” 

“I just wanna fucking get over you so I can be okay again.” 

“Stop trying to remind me that you’re still in my life. I’m trying to not think about you, for God’s sake.”

“I wanna kiss you so badly right now but we’re in public and I know you hate public display of affection—“ “I’ll allow you to do it this time.” “Wait… Really?” 

“I make shitty decisions and you’re a testament to that matter.”

“I have things to do, and most of them include me trying not to think about you.”

“I’ve never cried because of someone, you know? I didn’t have anyone to cry over. You’re the first, and you’ll also be the last, or so God help me through this embarrassment.” 

“Breaking up with me does not mean you had to kick me off your Spotify playlist, you know? Because damn. As much as I’m upset, your list had some bangers.” 

“You don’t get to do decide my feelings for you.” 

“I’m not bitchless, you fucking dickhead. Take that back!” 

“Every little thing reminds me of you, which sucks because you’re not in my life anymore.”

“It’s kinda weird not seeing your name on my phone when I wake up. It’s gonna take me some time to get used to this.”

“I think I knew this wasn’t going to last when I realised it’s not that I trust you. It’s that I don’t care what you do, and who you might be fucking around with.”

“One text from you has me happier than a child whose mother bought them their favourite candy. It’s not okay.” 

“I don’t share my Spotify playlist with just anyone. It’s like a secret love language of mine, reserved for those I want to let in. You’re one of them, yet you’re here thinking I don’t feel the same way about you?”

“I dunno, I just… Kinda fell for you.”

“You’re the reason why I fell in love with you. You, as a whole.” 

“There are some songs that I can’t listen to anymore, because they remind me of you; of all the times we’ve had together. And it sucks because some of them are great songs. And you fucking ruined them, you asshole.”

“I’m tired of acting like I don’t care, because I do. I fucking do, and that’s what makes this even worse.” 

“One thing you should know about me is that I suck at letting go.”

“So you’re telling me I’m supposed to sit here and give a fuck? You couldn’t pay me enough to do that. I have places to be and things to do.” 

“You need to stop being such a dramatic bitch.” “It’s the only way I can entertain myself, okay? Now piss off and leave me be.” 

“Maybe I shouldn’t have let you go.”

“You deserve someone better than me—” “You don’t get to decide that for me.”

“You ever think about how good we could have been together?” “Yeah. I think about it all the time, and then I remember how badly you fumbled. So yeah, good job.”

“You’re blushing.” “I’m not.” “…Then I guess I’ll have to give you something to blush over.”

“I lost myself while trying to find the good in you.”

“I think it’s comforting that they’re somewhere out there… Even if we never speak again, you know? They were a part of my life, even if it was only for a little while. They made me feel good, even if it was only for a short amount of time.” 

“Remember when you said you’d catch me when I fell? Well, you’re a fucking liar. Figuratively and literally. Now I’m hospitalised and also emotionally scarred. I hope you’re fucking happy about that.” 

“If we break up, I’d look for you in other people and be reminded that they are not you, and that I’d never find someone like you again. And… I don’t think I can bear the thought of that.”

“I give you permission to break my heart.” “And I give you permission to end me if I ever do break your heart.” 

“I have things to do—“ “And I’m one of them.”

“You’re only saying sorry because you want to make yourself feel better, so you can go shove that sweet apology up your ass because it doesn’t mean shit. I hope you continue to feel like shit over what you did, because I’m never forgiving you.”

“I had expectations for someone I knew couldn’t meet those expectations, so that’s my fault for expecting anything from you at all.”

“You? Breaking my heart? It’s funny how you think you even have that power over me.”

“You were like a routine that I loved and it felt… comfortable. But I guess that’s not the case anymore.” 

“You fell in love with the idea of someone that wasn’t even real. You fell in love with your own projections. How are you so foolish to think that it would have worked out?”

“I’m fine. Of course I’m fine.” “Everything about this interaction is telling me you’re not fine — not even close.”

“The idea of us was perfect. Blame me for thinking it would turn out into something good and as fantastical as what I made it out to be in my head.”

“Because no matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about you and it’s about to drive me to the very brink of insanity, so if you’ll excuse me for not wanting to be near you, that would great.”

“I would not be who I am today if not for you.” 

(pt 1.) | (pt. 2)

[multifandoms27-blog]

Bucky Barnes Relationship HC's

It was my birthday this past weekend, and this is my birthday gift to myself. Hope y'all enjoy!

Content: (mostly) Post CW Bucky x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Talk about PTSD, (minimal) couple fights, cheesy Bucky lol

Notes: Bucky is working with the Avengers in this

• ───────────────── •

Something everybody seems to agree on, is that Bucky is clingy.

When he's away on missions, he tries to call you every night so he can hear you before bed. When you're away on missions, he can't sleep until you call him. You forget one night? Oh well, he's not sleeping. He's worried about you but he won't mention it to anyone else. He'll silently freak out by himself until you call.

He has nightmares, he likely always will. This makes him kind of a bad bedmate, but he doesn't mean to move so much. I would suggest taking melatonin so you can get some actual sleep.

Speaking of his nightmares, when he wakes up from them, he never wants to wake you. 9/10 times though, you've been awake for a little bit before him. He feels bad, and sometimes he'll run from you, or he'll seek out comfort.

If he runs from you, it's because he can't handle human interaction in that moment. PTSD reactions or waking up from nightmares make people feel very vulnerable, and some don't like feeling that way, and run somewhere they know is safe for them to hide until they calm down. Think of a turtle hiding in it's shell.

If he seeks out comfort, it'll go something like this;

Bucky yells as he shoots up, eyes wide and glossy. His body feels too cold despite being under the blanket with you, like he's overexposed. He looks around the room as he breathes heavily, trying to slow his heart rate. Nobody else is in here. Nobody but him and you. That's right, he...he got away.

His gaze shoots over to you as you stir and look up at him. You two stare at each other for a moment before you speak. "Nightmare?"

Bucky swallows his spit and nods. You adjust a little before lifting up the blanket. "Want some cuddles, Bucky?"

Bucky nods wordlessly, quickly settling next to you. He can feel your warm arms sliding around his body, encasing it with a certain weight that comforts him. He's here, next to you, safe and sound. No injuries. No fighting. No more being cold.

"Wanna talk about it?" You mumble against his skin.

"Don' feel like it right now, doll." Bucky wraps his arms around you, pulling you impossibly closer. "But...thank you."

"Yeah, of course." You nod, yawning. "Love you, Buck."

"Love you too, (Y/n)."

Normally, Bucky is pretty playful with you. He'll be flirty with you, share jokes, tell you anything and everything that's on his mind, and sometimes will just take your hand and start dancing around with you. He'll teach you how to waltz if you don't know how already.

He likes to learn about newer century stuff with you, but be patient with him if he doesn't understand something.

Although sometimes, he likes to learn different pieces of media and surprise you with his knowledge later (like in FATWS when he knows about the Hobbit)

It's also no secret that he's such a romantic. You cannot tell me this man wouldn't keep track of your anniversaries and birthdays every year.

You were making yourself a snack in the kitchen when Bucky walked in with a smirk. You looked up and gave him a smile. "Hey handsome, how you doing today?"

"Very well, now that I've seen you." Bucky strides to you.

"Oh? You weren't doing well before?"

"I'm at my best when my best girl is here." Bucky gently brings your hand to his lips, giving it a kiss.

You feel your face heat up, and Bucky chuckles. He loves when your face gets all rosy. He then turns your body to face him fully, your left hand going on his shoulder and your right hand staying in his own. His free hand goes to your waist, and he opens his mouth to speak again. "FRIDAY, play A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square by Glenn Miller."

FRIDAY made a small beep before answering, "Certainly."

You heard the old 40's crackle in the song as the man sang, and Bucky led the waltz around the kitchen island. No matter how many times you two have waltzed, neither of you can pry your eyes away from each other. As the song ended, Bucky stopped your movement, and just swayed in place. You moved your arms up to his neck, and his other hand went to your waist. Bucky gave you a soft, sweet kiss as the last musical note ended.

"Happy anniversary, doll."

"Oh Buck, you romantic." You grinned. "Happy anniversary, my love."

He'll also write you love letters if he's away on a mission for a while. He's not quite the poet, but he tries, lol. It's one of the only things left of him you have after the snap. That also means on birthday cards and stuff, you'll find his love notes for your eyes only, detailing how you make him feel, his favorite things you did that day, how you illuminate his life, it's all very cheesy. I love him.

Gets you bouquets of flowers because he saw them and thought of you (cause the flowers were pretty).

If you're into LOTR/Hobbit and show him the movies, he'd be ecstatic. He really liked the Hobbit when it came out, and to see it in movie form with you makes it so much better.

He'd want to be into your interests too. He wants to watch your favorite movies, see your favorite shows, know/read your favorite books, etc. He wants to connect with you on every level. He's stuck to you like glue.

Fights with him rarely happen, but it happens if he's already in a bad mood or is tired from a mission. The arguments can turn nasty, and he really doesn't mean to, but the person he loves and trusts the most is angry at him right now - so it's only fair he's the same way, right? Wrong, that's just the PTSD talking.

You two don't tend to stay mad at each other for very long. The most he has managed to stay mad at you was two days, before he was trying to find a way to apologize, unless you apologized first (depending on the situation). He likes being able to talk through the problem with you, it makes him smile the brightest smile after the issue is resolved, no matter how small. Not even Tony could break his stride.

He's not too fond of extreme PDA, but he'll keep his arm around your shoulders and give you a peck on the cheek here and there. Although, to annoy Tony or Sam, he might just grab you and give you a big, wet, passionate kiss on the lips. But what he'll never do is smack your ass or make any sexual remark or gesture in front of the others. He wants to keep your dignity and whatever is left of his.

Also expect random compliments here and there. Even if you're doing the most menial tasks, or on your lazier days.

You were texting Wanda while waiting for your toast to be done, yawning. You were in baggy lounge wear, and you hadn't done your morning routine yet. Bucky walked in, his hair already brushed and clearly ready for the day. He stops and looks you up and down before leaning against the doorframe, letting out a whistle.

The whistle makes you look up and give him a smile. "Morning, Buck."

"Morning sweetheart." Bucky flashed you a grin.

You just chuckled, then turned to grab your toast as it popped out. Bucky came up behind you and put his hands on your hips, leaning down to kiss your shoulder. "Why're you so cute, huh?"

"I'm not a mirror, Buck."

"Oh, you're mistaken. I'm very clearly looking at my wonderful girlfriend." Bucky laid his head on your shoulder, giggling at his own remark.

Your face heats up, even though he's said this to you multiple times before. "Aw, Buck..."

He kisses your shoulder again, moving his arms so they fully wrap around you. You take a bite of your toast, then move it to him to offer a bite. He bites into the toast and hums, satisfied.

When you guys go to bed, he's almost always big spoon. He likes holding you and protecting you. What better way to do that than holding you close while you both sleep? It's also a soothing way to get him to sleep. He feels your body move as you breathe - it's like the calmest sleep asmr for him, haha.

But that means if you get up to go to the bathroom or get a glass of water, he's waking up too. In his dreams he can feel something moving against him, and that causes him to wake up and make sure you're okay. Sometimes he'll wait for you to get back and pretend he was asleep, other times he'll follow cause he doesn't want to be alone.

If he has a nightmare though, he moves in his sleep. So his body will pry himself away from you, but it gives him a better chance to run and recover by himself if he needs to.

Definitely feels like you're the girl he's gonna settle down with. He just hopes you like the ring he picked out.

[vimara00]

Jealous Dabi! X F! Reader

Hi everyone, it's Vi!✨ I decided to write something about jealous Dabi. Hope you enjoy! ❤️

Pd: Sorry I haven't been posting but I was on vacation and didn't have good connection hahaha

(Again, sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes, english is not my first language 🙏🏻)

All characters reservations to Horikoshi

Warnings: suggestive maybe? but not really smut

• Well, let's imagine you are Hawks' quirkless secretary and certain day he asked you to attend to a LOV meeting with him in order to record what they'll say

• Everything was going smooth till a very tall guy with pursing blue eyes sat next to you and asked "what is a woman like you doing in a place like this?" You tried to not be affected by this intense staring and said "I'm here with Hawks since I'm his secretary I need to involve myself for the cause too" Apparently that piece of information caught his attention and gave you an curious look but before letting him speak again you continued saying "Anyways, what do you mean a woman like me?" And he smirked while saying" I meant a delicate and beautiful lady like you being in a shitty hole like this" You were blushing like a tomato and Touya thought it was really cute

• Since that day, Dabi tried to be as near to you as possible every time you were on reunions together. Also, he would text you and appear out of the blue at the end of you shift just to spend time with you even if it meant getting caught by the heroes. At first, Touya thought he could manipulated you to gain information but after a while, he realised you weren't aware of your surroundings and he started to feel the need to protected you from this society. Something in Hawks didn't sit well with Dabi's interested in you but he choose to ignore it and take advantage of it.

• Some time before the heroes attack to the LOV's base, Dabi was waiting for you to get out of work hiding at an alley. It been fifteen minutes and there was no sight of you but before he started to torture some sidekicks about your wereouts, you and Hawks appeared from the sky to land safely at the entrance of the agency. The hero had you prestressed against his chest with his arms around your waist and your hands grabbing his t shirt. This act itself made Dabi's blood boild and without realising, fire started to came out of his arm. How dare that pathetic asshole put his hands on his girl. Yeah, you two didn't have a title yet but that didn't mean he could be touching you like that. He thought everybody knew you were off limits but apparently, he needed to make thing more clear for those stupid heroes that wanted to take you away from him. Oh and he was gonna make Hawks pay but he needed to control himself before he did something infront of you that'll make you scared.

• That night Hawks offered to take you to your house when Dabi appeared next to you wrapping his arm around your waist and giving it a squeeze while pulling you closer "She doesn't need a ride. I'll take her home. We have a long night, don't we love?" He looked at you with range and lust on his eyes while grabbing your chin with his index finger. You weren't sure what he exactly meant by that cause' you both only had shared kisses now and then but never got to something more sexual. However, his words and the way he was staring at you said otherwise.

• "We are going now, doll" They started to walk but Dabi turned around a little to looked at Hawks dead on the eye as if challenging him. Touya knew the hero felt something towards his girl so he wanted to make very clear for him that she was his and his only and that he won't let him get away with those actions.

• Once at your apartment, you were slammed against the door as Touya force you to look at him by grabbing your jaw "I think I haven't been cleared enough with you so let me get this straight" He got near your mouth while looking lustfully at you and said "There is a big difference between that stupid hero and me. He would definitely sacrifice you for the world's benefit while I would burn the whole world just for you (hear this on tik tok and it fits him hahaha well)" He then traced your lips with his thumb as he said "You are mine. You belong to me since the fist day I lay eyes on you and I won't let some idiot believe he can take whats mine. Am I clear?" You simply nodded as he attacked your lips while wrapping his hand around your neck. Once he broke the kiss, his hand remained on your neck and he added a bit of pressure on it demanding for you to say you were his. Then he applied open mouth kisses on your neck while leaving marks on your sweet skin so Hawks and other assholes would see you belong to him. That was just the start of a very long night and let's just say you couldn't go to work the next day.

[amethystfairy1]

What’s your writing process? Like do you do outlines or just jump right into plot etc… I’m a young writer (14) and really admire your work and want to get better myself. Ty!

✨WRITING PROCESS✨

...

this.

this is my writing process.

OK TO BE REAL THO

Firstly, I don't do outlines.

I KNOW THAT'S BAD BUT I JUST DON'T

What I usually do is word vomit whatever idea I have for a fic into a notes file.

For example! Here's a little random nonsense I just copied verbatim from my notes file that might look familiar!

Tango and Z in sky, blue cracks, Z decides to drop a container with info and his phone number into the rift. He wants to talk to the hybrids, maybe he’s some sort of researcher, he went AWOL from the biotech Institute, something like that. But he is human. Then, tango finds it, or it is brought to him, because he is a direct aid to doc in the labs. Tango ends up deciding to call Z, and they end up becoming really good friends, but only over the phone. Have some fun stuff, where both Z and tango are getting a crush, but how can you crush on someone you’ve never even seen? Tango is freaking out, because he’s not the type of hybrid that can pass as human. he knows he’ll never be able to meet Z face to face. But Z is a little more determined that he gives him credit for. Also have X be a side character in the labs, voidwalker, something like that! Maybe Z is an AWOL scientist, and scar, picked him up to work in his hot guy lab, with cub.

This is the blurb that spawned the Zedango arc in TTSBC.

In case you can't tell I use the dictation function in notes because like 90% of the time I have ideas while I'm driving so I'll just tell my phone to write down whatever I'm thinking and then talk it out

So yeah! I do this, which I dunno is kinda like an outline? I do it for more or less all of my fics.

As far as other stuff, I think the best advice I can give about being a "better writer", which has to do with your question about 'jumping into plot' is to know about your characters and your world , even if you don't plan to share that information in the piece you are writing, or even like, ever.

It's the way you make your characters feel like people. I was actually talking about this with @honeylashofficial not to long ago! You should know why your characters make the choices they do, even if that information never comes up. You should know what they like and dislike and why, if they have traumas then how would those traumas affects them in small daily ways?

Jimmy in TTSBC grew used to being threatened for his wings, so now he has a love-hate relationship with them.

Tango spent a long time without a truly safe place to sleep as a child, so now he has insomnia because he has an internalized fear of falling asleep/being vulnerable.

Zed was treated very poorly at his previous workplace, and he had a terrible experience where his professional lifes work was torn to shreds in front of him, so his self-esteem is very low, and he tends to be very self-deprecating even in a joking fashion.

Cub has sensory issues that severely impact his mood because of his warden hybrid traits, so he typically keeps himself very low energy as a baseline to avoid seeming like he has mood swings.

Even little stuff like what characters notice about their surroundings! Again in TTSBC, Jimmy pays close attention to the weather and the sky, Scott notices people features and expressions, Cub has more detailed thoughts about sounds than he does about sights, stuff like that!

Also I'm gonna give ya the piece of advice no one wants to hear when they're just starting. Just write. Write a TON.

Write even if you only have half an idea. Write even if you think it's gonna be bad. Write if you have even the slightest smallest bit of a motivation to do so, just WRITE WRITE WRITE.

And I will say while I could just be one of the lucky ones, I have been posting on various fanfic websites since I was 13. And in all that time I can count on one hand the amount of hate/negative comments I have received. Over a DECADE of writing and posting and I’ve written and posted A LOT and I have only ever been met with kindness, excitement, and encouragement.

Also, the delete button exists for a reason. You curate your experience on these websites. Especially on A03, with the ability to reply to comments, you can make very clear very quickly what sort of comments you want, which ones you don't, and the vast vast vast majority will be people who are excited about your work and want to encourage you!

If you need a mood booster or some encouragement, you can find my old old stuff on FF.net under the same penname, Amethystfairy1. Just promise you won't come back over here and send asks laughing at me for how bad those stories are, ok? 😆

My point is, you learn best by doing. As you write you will get a feel for your characters, for how they interact and react, for what your specific writing style is going to be and what you enjoy writing the most. And write what you enjoy! Of course you should stretch your writing style, but also make sure you never feel like you're slogging through your writing, especially if it's for fun or creative!

OH ONE MORE THING! 👏

I HIGHLY RECCOMEND DOING A WRITING CHALLENGE!

Stuff like Whumptober, Febuwhump, Novemcomfort, AU-gust, or different fandom weeks that come up, you can find them all over tumblr! Try to participate in one of those and get in as many days as you can! It'll make you write a lot in a short period of time, and you won't have time to overthink it, which I believe is really helpful for finding your writing style and getting comfortable with writing and posting content! It'll also give you a connection to a community of other writers who are participating, especially if you plan to post your updates to tumblr like I do!

Whatever you do on your writing journey, I hope it brings you much joy, fun, and creativity! You'll create something beautiful, I just know it! 💖

[enchxanting]

our love is god [ethan landry] pt. 6

read part 5 here || all parts

pairing: ethan landry x fem!reader

warnings: angst, discussion of suicide, obsessive compulsive behavior

a/n: this is sooooo lady macbeth coded. hope you enjoy!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

I go to the bathroom at least twice a period.

When I'm there, I make sure I’m alone. Then I do two things. First, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t break eye contact until I’ve sufficiently recalled the memory of Tara’s limp body in my peripheral vision as Ethan pulled me out of her room.

After that, I wash my hands at least three times, but it’s usually closer to seven. 

I left Tara behind four days ago. My hands are raw. I don’t know what to do. 

I can’t wash this feeling away. 

Still, it’s better than sending my SAT scores to San Quentin. Thank god for Ethan, because I don’t know what I would’ve done without him. “Sorry, officer, I accidentally poisoned my best friend after our huge public disagreement?” 

Sure, yeah, that sounds believable. I looked up the prison time for manslaughter, assuming the judge believes it was an accident, and I don’t have eleven years to spare right now. 

Talk soon.

Y/N

I close my diary and return it to my backpack for safekeeping. 

Mindy is still writing on the pieces of looseleaf the school counselor, Dr. Stone, provided her with. It appears that most people don’t keep a diary past the third grade, but some TED talk said that journaling can help process big traumas, and the school has been on that shit ever since. Luckily, they don’t ask to read the entries.

The school took away my friends’ and my free periods and sent us to the counselor’s office after the news broke of Tara’s “suicide.” Anika and Chad have to go alone, but Mindy and I have always had free blocks together. 

This group therapy has got to be some sort of cosmic punishment for what I did. Now I have to watch one of her oldest friends mourn, as if I wasn’t the one who let her die.

Mindy clicks her pen and slides the papers across to Dr. Stone. He takes them without looking, inserting them neatly into a file stuffed with previous entries. 

“Thank you, girls. I know that the past week has been… difficult, to say the least. I want you to know that this is a safe space, and you can freely share any emotions that this tragic event has brought up.”

Poor Dr. Stone. I know that he’s really trying, but there aren’t any emotions I can bring up that wouldn’t be incriminating. Guilt? Disgust? Fear? I sneak a glance at Mindy, who’s staring out the window. She’s silent, too.

Dr. Stone sighs. “I understand that this is all very new. Maybe we’ll feel up to talking tomorrow.”

The bell rings, and Mindy gets up without saying a word. I mumble a half-hearted “thank you” before following her into the hall.

“Christ, that shit sucks,” she says. “I hate fucking journaling.”

We turn down the hallway towards the gym, where Chad’s taking part in some sort of football conditioning at lunch. We’ve developed a habit of skipping halfway through the day to sit in his car. 

Mindy drops her bag and sits against the wall by the gym door. “It’s just so unfair,” she says. “I still don’t understand.”

I sit down beside her. “Don’t understand what?”

She’s quiet for a second. “I read the note. Tara said there wasn’t anyone left who cared about her. And that’s bullshit. I cared, and Chad cared, and Anika cared, and Sam cared, and you cared.”

Her eyes are brimming with angry tears. “Part of me is so, so fucking mad at her. Like, how could she leave us behind, after we made it out together? We were starting to get somewhere. She had that thing with Chad going, even if both of them were too dumb to realize. You were pulling in steady cash, thanks to me, so we could actually afford to get out of here. We talked about college in New York or something, far away from Woodsboro. There were all these goddamn plans.

“But mostly I fucking miss her, man. It’s barely been a week and I’m so… incomplete. And no amount of school counseling or journaling or whatever inspirational quote my homeroom teacher wants to share with me is going to fill the void she left behind.”

Mindy wipes away her tears. For the first time since we left Dr. Stone’s office, she looks right at me. 

“I know you had your fight or whatever the night before, and if that were me I’d be torn up about it. But seriously, Y/N, you had nothing to do with it. After everything with… Amber, last year, she needed a friend. One that she wasn’t trauma-bonded with, like Chad and me. And you showed up at the right time. She loved you, man.”

My head is spinning. I’m wracked with all sorts of conflicting guilt, grief, anger, whatever, and I can’t tell anyone about it. 

So I get up and start walking towards the nearby locker room.

“Wait, Y/N, what are you doing?” Mindy calls. I don’t answer.

I can hear her get up and follow after me, but it’s been at least two hours since I’ve gone to the bathroom. At this point, I don’t care if someone watches my regimen– I need to be clean.

Turning into the locker room, I make a beeline for the sinks. I get close to the mirror, close enough to make out my pores. and stare down my reflection. After that harrowing edition of a trademark Mindy monologue, it doesn’t take long for me to recall Tara’s face. I wash my hands once, twice, three times, four times.

“Jesus, Y/N, seriously, what are you doing?” Mindy watches from behind, her voice still shaky from crying.

Five times, six times, seven times, and it’s still not enough. I’m breathing hard at this point, but I can’t get enough air. There’s blood everywhere, all over me, my clothes, even on Mindy. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the showers. Perfect. I rush over to the nearest stall and turn the handle. 

I don’t undress before stepping under the showerhead, letting the freezing water overtake me.

taglist: @miawastakens

[shy-violet-soul]

Heroes Make Me Tired

Summary: I’m just trying to do my job - keep my team safe, keep my bosses out of court…and myself out of the looney bin. One of those is too tall an order.

Characters: a very, very tired HR person (female), and assorted Avengers. Mentions of other fandoms (gold star to those that find them!)

Warning: Avenger shenanigans, and possible bad language words.

Word Count: 2,700-ish

A/N: This piece of ridiculousness is 100% inspired by and written for @thesassywallflower. As someone who’s worked in HR for over 20 years, and has dealt with more than my share of ridiculousness, I can personally attest to the fact that the struggle is REAL. 

++++++

It’s only 7:45am, and I can already feel my blood pressure rising. 

I cricked my neck to keep my phone against my ear as I juggled my laptop bag, security access card, and glasses. Finally swiping the card against the access plate, I jammed my elbow against my floor button and sagged against the wall as my coworker screeched out the latest calamity.

“...and now they want us to pay for a new set of tires. An entire set - four freaking tires - AGAIN!”

“No. Absolutely not. I don’t care what monster did it this time. You go back and tell them that the benefits handbook clearly states that damages to personal items in the course of performing your job duties are only eligible to be reimbursed up to an annual maximum of $1,000.00. Total. Not each incident. TOTAL. They used all of that up with that thing, that monster in Oregon? With the pennies?”

Julia’s sigh groaned through my ear. “A Nachzehrer.”

I closed my eyes, dragging in a deep breath. “Whatever. You know what? I don’t even care. If they would have taken the stupid company car, just like everyone else, they wouldn’t have to stress so much about their precious Impala. Tell ‘em ‘no’.”

“Will do. You on your way upstairs to your 8:00am?”

“Yeah.”

I could feel Julia’s shudder from here. “I’ll be all ears when you get back. The meetings with that crew are always…entertaining.”

The elevator doors opened as I snorted my agreement. I paused to collect myself in the entryway, silencing my phone before tossing it in the bag and pushing my glasses up my nose.

Okay. You’ve got this. Don’t let them rattle you. Stay calm, stick to your talking points. Think positively - maybe they’ll be actually sorry this time.

So buoyed, I strode into the hall and towards the waiting conference room.

Avengers division employee Agent Natasha Romanov stood waiting for me, her face as fathomless as usual. The smile I offered her faltered as she extended a Starbucks drink in my direction. The smell of chai spices wafted upward. If this troublemaker came bearing gifts, that only meant one thing. This meeting was going to suck.

I grasped the venti-sized life saver, took an eye-watering gulp, and silently cursed the complete and utter imbecilic moron who proposed gathering all superhero, crime fighting, general population saving teams under one umbrella, which led to the creation of my department.

Human Resources to the Heroes.

It sounded so rewarding on LinkedIn. I couldn’t believe it when I made it through the first round of interviews. Meeting with the liaisons for the major players was nerve-wracking to say the least. Nick Fury is everything he’s rumored to be. Bruce Wayne is actually a little bit boring. And Mr. Singer is my favorite. Not that I would ever tell him. And truly, the job is rewarding…

But sweet baby Moses in a basket, some of these people have lost their damn minds.

I didn’t blink at the assembly before me as I entered the conference room, smiling professionally as I sat down. Sam Wilson practically radiated frustration where he sat with his forehead in his hand. I love Sam. He knows the way to an HR person’s heart - consistency and documentation. God bless the Army.

And then there were these three: Clint Barton. James B. Barnes. And Steven f-ing Grant Rogers.

Steri-strips ribbed across the bottom right of Barton’s forehead, I fervently hoped holding what’s left of his brains in. Barnes sat with his arms crossed over his chest, looking somewhere between nonchalant and put-upon. Rogers looked like he’d been caught stealing from the cookie jar.

“Good morning, gentlemen.” I dug out my legal pad, two pens, and a file folder.

“Good morning,” Sam and Steve replied. From Barnes, I got a chin lift. Everyone’s gaze turned to Barton. The famed archer sat reclined in his chair, head resting against the high back. 

“Mr. Barton.” Nothing. My blood pressure ticked up a notch. “Mr. Barton,” with a little more volume, and a perfectly natural, not at all fake and threatening smile. Nothing.

Barnes banged on the table in front of the man, his metal fist clanging against the surface. Barton and I both jumped, my pen flipping out of my hand and flying across the table.

“Turn your fucking hearing aids on,” Barnes barked, pointing at his own ear when Clint turned confused eyes towards him. Sam sighed , eyes closing, as Steve slid my pen back to me.

“Sorry about that.”

I nodded my thanks, then folded my hands over my notepad once I had all their attention.

“So. Mr. Barton.” The file folder whispered as I flipped it open. “According to this incident report, it looks like you violated the same policies. Again.”

He scratched his head thoughtfully. “Which ones this time?”

My left eye wanted to twitch so bad. “Accessing secured areas without authorization, Employee right to privacy, and Sleeping while on duty.”

“Firefighters sleep on duty and no one gives them shit,” he groused. Twitch.

“Mr. Barton, we’ve discussed this. Firefighters are on duty overnight. This was at 1:13pm on Tuesday.”

“We do the life saving thing, too, you know!”

“It was your first day back from vacation!” I exclaimed, then sucked in a breath, trying to settle down. “All you were required to do that day was visit the armory and assess your equipment. And I’m not going to engage in a back and forth with you on that. Now - you’ve been counseled on the following occasions about your lack of compliance in these areas.” He glared at the list of dates I slid across the table to him. “With these additional incidents, we are officially placing you on a Performance Improvement Plan-”

“Hey! What about him?” he thumbed in the Sergeant’s direction. “He’s the one who shot me!”

This time, a muscle in my jaw tic’d.

“And I will address that with him in a moment. Right now, I’m going to ask you to review this document. Please sign and date it where indicated, and you can add any comments in the space below.” I chose to ignore the mutterings that followed as I fixed my gaze on Barnes.

“Sergeant.”

“Warden.” Twitch. Tic.

“You have also been counseled on the discharge of firearms on premises not in the course of your job duties.”

He rolled his eyes so hard, I’m sure he saw the inside of his skull.

“I thought it was an intruder!”

Reserve your chaos. Reserve your chaos, I chanted, pulling in another very deep breath. Calmly, I opened the folder again and withdrew a stapled packet.

“Sergeant Barnes. According to this file, your hearing is approximately 27% more acute than an average male of the same age, and your sense of smell is approximately 14% more sensitive-”

“Yeah, like a dog,” Sam murmured under his breath, earning a reproachful look from Steve.

“Is that from my medical file? What about the hippie law?” 

I blinked at the righteous indignation on his face before the dots connected. “That’s HIPAA, not hippie. And as HR, I’m entitled to have access to the personal health information that demonstrates your ability to do your job.”

“Whatever. What’s your point?” 

“My point, Sergeant, is that your physical abilities demonstrate that you did, in fact, know it was Mr. Barton. No intrusion alarms had been activated - I checked!” I cut off his budding interjection. “There’s no other way to interpret the evidence but that you knowingly chose to violate this policy and shoot him.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. They were rubber bullets.” Barnes flopped back in his seat like a scolded kid, arms crossing sullenly over his chest. While from my seat, shock at the ridiculousness of his response nearly had my eyeballs falling from my skull.

“Seriously. You don’t see the big deal that you shot your coworker, injuring him, causing the ceiling tiles to break and him to fall through said ceiling, causing more injury?” I barely tracked Steve’s wince as my volume increased with each word, too focused on maintaining my slippery grip on sanity.

“Hey! At least they weren’t real bullets. He’s the one who told me to switch to the rubber ones.” With zero hesitation, he threw Steve under the bus. Friends till the end of the line, my ass.

Whatever Steve saw on my face…I literally watched him try to choose between defensiveness, betrayal, groveling, and ‘kill me now’, all at the same time. 

“That might not be entirely accurate,” he stumbled out. Bucky turned on him like a top.

“‘Not entirely accurate’? You bought me the damn box! You even said, and I quote, ‘you don’t want to technically,” he air quoted, “violate the policy again ‘cuz that HR broad will be pissed and get all up my ass’!”

I heard a sound that I was fairly convinced was one of my blood vessels bursting. Or a molar cracking. But no, it was just Barton cackling as he scribbled his signature on his stupid PIP. Sam was trying to clandestinely scoot himself as far away from the potential strike zone as possible. Bucky looked like Steve was single handedly responsible for everything up to and including global warming. And the look on Steve’s face? Apparently he’d finally picked an emotion, settling on ‘whattya gonna do about it’ defensiveness.

My pen clicking sounded like the pin being pulled from a grenade. Fire in the hole, bastard.

“Tell me something, Captain. When the battlefield on which you’re engaging the enemy is rugged terrain, who has your six?” Any other normal person wouldn’t have caught the flick of his gaze towards the Sergeant. Good thing I’m not normal. What HR pro is? “Because you need a trained sniper watching your back. Correct?”

“Affirmative.”

“And when the unfriendlies are aerial, who’s your six then?”

“That would be me,” Sam carefully interjected. I didn’t so much as blink my straining eyelids as I stared down the Captain.

“Because having someone with countless hours of training and operational experience is critical. Isn’t that right? Captain?”

Barnes’ spidey-sense must have finally realized how perilously close to death they all were as he unfolded his arms and straightened in his seat. Rogers, apparently, was dumber than I gave him credit for.

“I think the answer’s pretty obvious. Even for a civilian.”

The sag of Barnes’ shoulders at the unmitigated, galling sass of his bestie had the weariness of decades behind it. The weariness of a bestie who routinely chose death as his destiny. But that’s fine. 

Captain Rogers knew not with whom he fucked.

“And when you’re not on the battlefield, who has your six?”

Captain Sass-pants blinked at me.

“Ma’am?”

Slowly putting my pen down, I got to my feet with blessedly unusual grace. “Suppose that a recruit in the new agent training class alleged that you stole funds from the organization?”

If Barton snorted any harder, his sinuses were going to hit the table. Rogers looked horrified. Saint Sam smirked.

“I would NEVER-” came the barking indignation. 

“I’m sure you wouldn’t. But let’s say she did. Who has your six? Or, let’s say Wilson here says he hasn’t been compensated at the appropriate overtime calculation for the last year? OR,” I cut off the Captain before he could think about interjecting, “what if the Rumlow family sued you, stating that former S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Rumlow had been harassed during his tenure, leading to emotional distress that caused his change in philosophy. Who’s got your six, then?”

“What, harassed him into those ugly-ass scars?” Barton chortled out. 

“Shut up, bird brain!” Barnes hissed at him, scooting both of their chairs away from Steve. I would have laughed, but I was too busy realizing that the whole ‘vision going up in a red haze’ thing was real.

“I have a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, a Master’s degree in Organizational Behavior. I have certifications in benefits administration, training and development, and change management. I’m required to do hundreds of hours of continuing education every year. And I have over fifteen years of experience in Human Resources. Technically speaking, I have more education and operational experience than Torres. A team member you trust your life with.”

Now, Steve was squirming. That’s right, squirm, you star-spangled ass! But I wasn’t done yet.

“Oh, and then there’s the matter of all the agencies. The Department of Labor, OSHA, the Wage & Hour Division, the Employee Benefits Security Administration, the Office of Workers Compensation Programs, the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission. And those are just the big ones. Then there’s all the insurance laws, compensation requirements. And, since some of our divisions are tied to the government, we have whole different record keeping requirements. Did you know that, Captain? That the records I keep for you and your team are different from the ones I keep for the supernatural division?”

He didn’t even bother speaking, just mutely shook his head. I plowed on, my blood pressure pounding in my temples as I slipped the leash on my chaos.

“No. You didn’t. Because all you need to worry about is a battle strategy, right? Mr. Star Spangled Man with a Plan?” My volume increased with every word, as did the size of Rogers’ eyes. “All I’m asking, Captain, is that you try, for the love of all that’s holy, TRY to follow the damn policies just once in a while. And trust that this ‘HR broad’ might actually know what she’s doing. And realize I’ve got your fucking six everywhere BUT the battle field. OKAY?” 

My rage-sweating hands slapped against the conference room table as I leaned forward, shouting at the man. Months, months of diplomacy in the face of his and his team’s mulish obstinance went up in a flaming glory. 

They could hear Steve’s gulp of terror out in the hall. He nodded jerkily in the silence that followed.

“Do we all understand each other?” The chorus of instantaneous ‘yes, ma’am’s’ did their mamas proud. I yanked myself to stand straight, knees trembly. Wow, post-battle adrenaline really is a thing.

“Excellent.” Bucky flinched - actually flinched - as I snapped my folder so hard, the paper bent. I snatched the PIP out of Clint’s hands so forcefully, the paper ripped, and I didn’t even care. That’s why God made tape. I stuffed the innocent document and the folder into my bag with a crunch that would have Julia hating me later when she had to scan it for filing. 

“Is…is that all, ma’am?” Captain America just about cowered.

“Yes. No,” I swiveled back towards them, causing the three troublemakers to reel back. Clint actually fell out of his chair when he rolled back with a touch too much fear. “Captain. Pick three federal laws from Section 2 of the employee handbook. One for you, one for the Sergeant, one for Agent Barnes. Each of you will write me an essay on why that federal law is so important to your division. I want it in my email inbox by 8:00am tomorrow. Any questions?”

“Why doesn’t the other birdbrain have to do one?” Bucky asked with tentative sullenness. My left eye twitched in time with the vein bulging in my forehead.

“Because, Sergeant,” I tossed at him as I tugged my bag over my shoulder and snatched up my precious comfort chai, “he knows how to follow policy.”

I didn’t see Agent Romanov’s impressed gaze or the dinner-plate-sized eyes of the other employees hovering in the hall. I didn’t hear the elevator bell that heralded my floor. All I knew was the onslaught of chemicals in my body as I flopped into my chair - fight-fueled cortisol, and victory-induced dopamine. 

There just isn’t enough chai in the world to make up for my need for a vacation.

A tentative tap-tap-tap at my door heralded Julia. “Um - you okay?”

My throat burned as I chugged back some latte, then sighed huge and straightened up to look at my comrade-at-arms. “No.”

“I…I really hate to tell you this, especially now. But the bard from the convergence division called again. He wants to file another harassment complaint on that mage.”

All my stalwart battle-readiness left me, and my spine Slinky-d forward until my brow thunked down on the desk blotter before me.

“What’s our motto, Julia?” I mumbled out with a groan. My colleague and fellow-sufferer sighed.

“Heroes make us tired.” Rubbing my temples, I avoided thinking of the likelihood that Captain Rogers’ potential tattling on me would result in my unemployment.

“So. Fucking. Tired.”

[prince-kallisto]

hey! so i saw the tags you left on that post about wish, and i was wondering, have you listened to any of the songs from it? if not, then i wanna provide some context for one of the things i mentioned: there's a song called "at all costs" and without context, it sounds a lot like it could be a romantic duet. i've seen that before the movie came out people theorized that magnifico was singing about his wife amaya for his part of it! but then, in the actual movie, it's a duet between asha and magnifico and they're both singing about... the wishes that magnifico keeps trapped in these little balls in his study. and how both of them want to always stay right beside the wishes, keep the wishes safe in their arms and fight for the wishes at all costs because nothing else ever made them feel so happy. it even turns out that in the original demo for the song, the lyric "i wanna promise as one does" was "i wanna love you as one does"! so people have been using this to back up the idea that star may have been meant as a love interest for asha at one point. and i believe it because the song feels so out of place with the way it's actually used lol. also i share your feeling of being absolutely obsessed with the original concepts for wish, i keep feeling tempted to buy the artbook so i can read all the production info for myself and admire the art, when i didn't even like the movie very much 😭 seeing the concept art people have shared on here just makes me feel like there was so much lost potential in it.

OH MY GOODNESS 😭😭😭 I listened to the song just now, and I’m??? I had to reread your ask to make sure, because the song sounded so romantic that I had no idea what the context was 😭😭😭 It’s honestly a very beautiful song, so like you said, it feels very out of place on how it was used. The reveal of that demo lyric definitely makes it sound like it had an entirely different context. It’s very strange that a potential romance song seems like it was repurposed in such an odd manner. It is funny to see the comments on this song though, as some people even want this song at their wedding haha! It shows just how misplaced this song is, if the villain of the movie and the protagonist (who have no romantic relationship or ties at all) have their duet interpreted this way. I suppose if you really think about it, the context is there, but musical storytelling tends to be a bit more clear with the motives and story, y’know? ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

I haven’t really listened to the other songs, as some of them I immediately didn’t like haha. I DID listen to Magnifico’s “villain song” of “This is the Thanks I Get?!” And…yeah. I really wanted another Disney villain song again and I adore King Magnifico’s design, but that song is very strange, especially with how odd lyrics that don’t give Magnifico a villainous appeal or motive really. I think it would’ve been really cool if the song brought in leitmotifs from previous villain songs? I’m not sure how to describe it haha, but I can totally imagine a bit of Scar’s theme of “Be Prepared” get involved in the chorus of the song when Magnifico says “And this is the thanks I get?!” I don’t know the next thing about songwriting though haha, but as a 100th anniversary movie, they really should’ve gone all out with at least the villain song.

And right?? The peeks of the concept art is so stunning to me. It’s almost funny when they show us the concept art and how gorgeous and unique it is compared to the final product🧎 Clearly the concept artists and writers had beautiful visions in mind, and just the still pieces of concept art feel infinitely more lively than what I’ve heard about the movie. I’d love to see the full concept art book too, I’m just amazing at the skill and imagination of the artists! I’m still very surprised at the song you recommended me to listen to haha, the vibe was completely different than I expected. \(//∇//)\ Thanks for the ask, the topic of this movie is so interesting to me and what could’ve been haha 🥲💞💞💞

[oddeyevibes]

Movie Nights: He Dreamed of You

Summary: In which movie nights with Ichiban don’t really pan out well and he’s left with some…thoughts.

Words: 1622

A/N: Really was gonna make this spicier but I held back. Feels like it’s too early still for this.

Ichiban started talking to you about a movie theater that showed classic movies. You perked up when he invited you. Just the two of you.

‘Like old times.’ He said.

However, it should’ve come as no surprise that doing something as simple as going to the movies was going to be anything but that.

Your first attempt was…a doozy. A drowsy doozy. You tend to think of yourself as an open-minded person, so when Ichi told you the movie was about a man that danced but never smiled, you were fully ready to give it a shot.

But when you sat down and the movie started, Ichiban started yawning, which, of course, got you started. The two of you fighting sleep at the same time.

To be fair, it wasn’t your fault. It’s not like you could’ve helped it. There was something relaxing about lights being off, and you’ve never sat on such comfy theater seats before. It was like this place was compelling you to sleep. Before you knew it, you had fallen asleep against Ichi’s shoulders while he was struggling to keep himself up.

After a few minutes, you felt yourself being shaken awake gently. Your eyes fluttering open to see the end credits rolling on the screen.

“Welcome back to the land of the living.” Ichiban chuckled.

You glanced over to see his smiling face before straightening yourself, getting in a good stretch and a big yawn. “Did I really sleep through the whole movie?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I was having trouble keeping away myself. This place has a way of getting you in the mood for a nap.”

You sighed. “I really do feel bad, Ichi. Can we try again? This time my treat. Please? Come on.”

“Well, if you’re offering.”

The second attempt was slightly better. Only slightly. While leaving, you had caught a glimpse of a poster for one of your favorite movies. A slasher movie from the late 70s called Bloodbath St. You had gotten excited and asked Ichi if he wanted to see that the next time you came. Even though he seemed caught off guard and unsure, he agreed.

All to see you jump around like a giddy schoolgirl.

So the day came, and it’s pretty safe to say that Ichiban might not be a fan of horror movies.

“We have to get out of here!”

“But what about the others?”

The sound of a chainsaw revving up spooked Ichiban a bit before the killer brought the spinning blades on the two college kids, ripping them to pieces as blood splattered all over the screen, their screams were almost deafening.

Ichiban was tense during this whole experience. You, on the other hand, enjoyed every second of this, chewing on your Twizzler with an unsettling delighted grin on your face.

“You actually enjoy movies like this?” He asked awkwardly. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

You looked over to him and he couldn’t deny that the look of excitement in your eyes was pretty cute.

“Yeah! This movie is great!”

“It’s so…bloody.”

You nodded, “I know, right?!”

Clearly you didn’t share in Ichiban’s disturbed reaction. Every kill just got worse and worse. Your quiet giggling only adding to the haunting atmosphere.

As wrapped up in the moment you were, you weren’t completely oblivious to the fact that Ichiban wasn’t enjoying the movie.

So what was wrong with a third try?

“Maybe something lively enough to keep us up but also something…tame?”

You turned to your friend to gauge his answer. The two of you are currently looking at the collage of movie posters to find something new to watch.

“How about this?” Another voice chimed in.

The owner approached the both of you, pointing at one poster seated at the top with a very bright pink presentation. A movie called The League of Hand Holders and sure enough, the movie’s poster was just two hands…holding each other.

Ichiban tilted his head like a curious puppy. “Looks like a romance movie.”

You shrugged. “Sounds like a good happy-medium.” You looked up at him. “Wanna see it?”

“Yeah sure.”

So the third attempt was set.

DEAR GOD, IT WAS NOT A ROMANCE MOVIE.

The sheer shock and awkwardness were the main glues keeping you and Ichiban in your seats.

Ok maybe it was a romance movie but the poster and the owner fail to inform you about the porn part.

The movie started off tame with a boy meets girl scenario. Then a boy meets girl meets boy scenario. Then boy meets girl meets boy meets boy scenario and it was then that you and Ichiban caught on to what was unfolding.

“Please be gentle~”

The woman did her best meek and innocent voice as the three men loomed over her, each a different degree of naked while the woman was in bright pink lingerie.

“Don’t be scared.” One of them whispered to her as he bent down to her eye level.

Your eyes were glued to the screen, not in fascination—not completely—but more in fear of looking to see Ichiban’s face.

It’s one thing to watch this type of stuff alone or maybe with some girlfriends to joke about but it’s another thing to watch it with someone you’ve had a crush on for years.

But you just didn’t know what reaction you were scared of seeing from him. Disgust? Arousal? How about nothing? What if he was aroused and thinking of someone else? Maybe Eri? Saeko? Maybe Sumire from the workshop?

You were so lost in your own thoughts you failed to hold back the curl of your fingers against the armrests of the chair. Something that Ichiban stealthily took notice of and it made him nervous.

Obviously unaware to you, this is the last movie he’d ever imagine taking you to willingly. He can’t admit this to you but…he’s getting turned on.

What would you think if you saw how stiff he was? In two different ways? Would you think he was a pervert? Most girls would. No one would feel cool around a guy that popped a chubber on a….

‘HOLY SHIT, IS THIS A DATE?’ He suddenly thought.

Without even thinking, Ichiban turned to face you. Catching a glimpse of your strained nervous expression. Like you were on the brink of having some internal panic attack.

If it wasn’t for how you both blatantly looked over 19, your mannerisms would’ve had you two mistaken for a pair of awkward teens.

Ichiban faced forward, feeling the anxiety wash over every part of his being.

Needless to say, the walk home was…awkward. The two of you only engaging in small talk about everything BUT that movie.

When he got back to Survive, he made his way upstairs, telling the others that he was just tuckered. Zhao poked fun at him, curious about how intense the movie was. Of course, he had heard about Ichiban and the horror flick you took him to see.

When he was alone upstairs, he thought about you. Sitting on a bed in a room he’s not familiar with filled with pink lights that managed to set just the right tone. Was it your room? He didn’t know. All he could focus on was how cute you would look with a doe-eyed expression as you looked up at him. Maybe you were in a cute baby doll gown of your favorite color.

“You’ll be gentle with me…right Ichi?”

Nodding slowly was the only thing Ichiban could think of doing in that.

He’s embarrassed to admit that he has no experience. Between serving Arakawa and then going to prison, he never really had time for dating or even sex. The best was a good porno now and then. According to Adachi, that desert has become a water park nowadays.

You did though, right? You got to do most of what he missed out on. He’s been gone for 18 years, there’s no way you didn’t date or had sex. You’d probably be way more experienced than him, right? Maybe you’d be the one taking charge.

Suddenly the dream shifted, with you hovering over him, straddling his hips. Even when you had the power, you looked nervous and shy about the whole thing. Maybe it’s because Ichiban’s older? Would that matter?

“Is this ok, Ichi?” You’d say.

Again, the only thing he could do was nod. Then you’d lean down and softly place your lips on his neck. He wondered how soft your lips were. He’s never realized it til now but they do look soft.

What would you even be into? Maybe you’re into kinky stuff like whips and stuff. Was there any other type other than that?

Then there was a realization.

What if you didn’t even like men and the movie was only awkward for you because you weren’t into that? That’s possible, right? Maybe he shouldn’t be fantasizing about you like this then.

He wished I could’ve written him to be more mature than that and simply clock out for the night but the image of you in his head tempted him back to this fantasy room. Each vision of you is different from the last, all saying things that tempted him to keep dreaming of what a night with you would possibly entail.

“Tell me if you wanna slow down, ok Ichi?”

“Not so rough, ok?”

“Ichi, that tickles~”

If he didn’t have a boner before, he definitely had one now. Ichiban still found himself being embarrassed about this whole thing. The man was in his 40s and he’s acting like those same horny teens from way back.

As much as he wanted to contemplate how you’d react, he had something to take care of.

[fettuccinewrites]

I AM HERE to give a fic review nobody asked for but i have no one else to talk about it

I have finished CWM couple hours ago and i've been obsessing over it ever since. Firstly would like to point out that cwm was already in my reading list and when i decided to start reading it after sending you that first ask i kept asking myself "why didn't i read it sooner?" cause i do have a severe case of love square brainrot and i have an unresolved passion with ice skating so why haven't i read that indeed.

Then I got the scene in which Adrien's ed is revealed and it was a big OH THAT'S WHY moment for me. I have been recovering from an ed myself for years and i try to avoid the topic because i dont think i'm there yet yk? ANYWAYS. That did make my reading take a little longer than planned, out of caution really, but nothing i couldn't handle (my therapist will be very proud). On that note, I would like to apologize for needing to skip some of the more in-depth ed related parts, but to also congratulate you on the way you handled the subject. I don't usually feel safe reading these type of stories, but cwm was an exception due to your writing and story telling skills.

MOVING ON cause i feel cringey talking about my ed but you really deserve the praise for this

It really is amazing how well you are able to sell rivals to lovers narrative. dymdc and cwm both had me invested in their rivalry. It didn't feel forced, the progression of the relationship had incredible pacing and the reasons behind were believable. Like, writing this trope is so hard because it's easy to fall in traps of the narrative – not making the rivalry strong enough or making it too strong and having to bullshit a reason to end it – but you do it SO WELL. LIKE. i actually don't have words, I keysmashed three times over this so yeah i guess that's what i have to say.

Something I would also like to point out: the choice of performances. bruh. You matched the characters vibes to the choreographies so well. Like I know nothing about the fem skater from the 2010 phantom of the opera but I can see Lila so clearly in her expressions that makes me want to punch her in the face. The way the snake dance has Kagami's seriousness and precision and Luka's edge and style. *chefs kiss*

Now on the note of Moulin Rouge for Adrienette, i feel like keysmashing is not enough i need to bark. The way the story of the performance is a parallel to their relationship AND andrien's condition. Part of me thought he was going to die. I lost cound how many times I cried while reading this and I wish I could have recorded the way i GASPED when they came in twelfth. Had me shaking and tearing up ngl.

The one thing i did not understand tho was why Marinette kept that Gabriel remade their costumes a secret. Like I get Adrien making his piece with the relationship with his bio father, and deciding not to pursue one with him anymore, but Marinette not telling him felt a little shady for me. Maybe I missed something, but I don't think that shutting that door was up to her. I like the ending for Gabriel and Adrien, but idk maybe i just don't like that Marinette kept it a secret from him.

Alright I think I've said enough for one ask holy shit look at the size of this so i'm gonna stop it here. I think I said everything I wanted to say, but if I remember anything else – and I'm still welcome in here –i'll come back to dump more unrequited opinions.

Thank you so much for sharing your amazing work with us 🧡

omg! thank you!! one thing about me is i LIVE for long comments, particularly about cwm (my forever favorite story) so you are always welcome

i figured the ed parts would be difficult for some people to read, so they are 100% skippable & i’m glad you were able to take advantage of that and still enjoy the story ❤️

i love that you actually went and looked up the performances bc i just feel like it enhances the reading experience so much??? moulin rouge felt like the ONLY choice for them, i am soooo glad the parallels were noticed bc it was very much my intention :)))))

re: costumes… really just needed to wrap up that plot line and didn’t know how else to do it haha. I’d spent far too long on it already, and thought of it as like a parting gift kinda thing? A was done with G so (in my head) she didn’t see a reason to tell him, i guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

anywayyyyy always happy to talk cwm! or writing! or dymdc! or anything else <3333

[personthattoleratesme]

soo, this is not the first time I'm getting into a fandom that's over a decade old (i seem to have a knack for it) and it's always so exciting, it almost makes me feel like an archaeologist or detective piecing together the history of an ancient civilization

well, okay, back on track:

after those initial videos i mostly watched their post 2019 joined content which turned out to be a great thing because a) there isn't that much of it, so it felt very approachable b) it helped immensely in getting to know their current selves (this probably sounds weird, what i mean is that they have changed over the course of the years (even beyond the obvious 'they are out and more true to themselves than ever before') and it was good to get to know the status quo before diving into the past) c) it's simply great entertainment

i then went on a Dan's Long Videos™️ spree, watched daily dystopia and phil's newer videos and finally gave into the urge to take a look at the tumblr fandom, which I'd been avoiding on purpose up until then because honestly, i was scared of what it would be like. i was quite pleasantly surprised at how chill is here (I won't lie though, there were a few things that almost activated my fight-or-flight reflex because they sounded a bit too similar to that fandom, but overall i have come to the conclusion that i do like it here).

anyways, at that point i would've felt pretty lost facing such a giant mountain of lore and videos if it wasn't for dan and phil and phannies being so goddamn nostalgic. just by hanging around here and watching their videos you get a pretty good idea of what is important, be it a rough timeline of what happened when and where or what the most iconic and best videos are.

i had so much fun going through the pinofs, the crafting channel, their more or less desastrous attempts at baking, the og google feud, random gaming channel vids from golf to the impossible quiz and i could go on, it is honestly addicting. it's also quite dangerous because there is always more to watch and i know that i have barely scratched the surface.

also, it's really interesting to go back to the first videos I've watched and to see how much my perspective and understanding of them has changed in that short amount of time

by now I've dialled down the binging a little bit and am just jumping from one recommendation to the next, but i do (possibly ignorantly) feel like i have the most important things covered and am now simply enjoying the ride.

if you have any personal favs you feel like i might not have seen yet, please do feel free to share them! :)

- a now very tired new phannie

anon you seem to have taken a pretty good approach. starting with the post-2019 joint content is definitely a lot easier than watching the mountain of joint content from before that. eventually you'll probably catch up on everything but in the meantime as long as you've got most of the important videos i think you'll be fine in the fandom.

i do think there's still some demon phannie tendencies here on tumblr (i include myself in that) but i think generally we do try to keep it respectful, and also we try to kind of keep it away from them and just have our demon discussions in our safe little pocket of the internet.

yeah you've truly come here at a great time in terms of nostalgia. i mean the roblox video alone is just pure nostalgia content and probably helped you get to know the lore of the iconic london apartment. and generally we're all just really sappy about them and their relationship so old vidoes and gifs are always circling around.

you just made me do a deep dive into all of their channels to remember what videos they even have and i think i have a good selection of recommendations in case you haven't watched them:

the photo booth challenge (dan's channel), and the wardrobe (phil's channel), both iconic fan favorites

all of the day in the life videos (manchester, london, festive, japan, australia), they're not big on vlogging so it's nice to get the occasional little slices of their domestic life

dan's internet support group series, not too big of a series but very dan

dan's diss track, also very iconic

giving the people what they want

all of the sims videos (it's a lot, i know, but it's great to watch if you're ever bored)

overcooked, they played it a couple times on live streams and there's just something about them without any editing that's very fun to watch

keep talking and nobody explodes

the top dan memes videos, great to catch up on some lore

there's a lot more probably but these are the ones i can think of right now.

there's also a lot of lore hidden in all the live things they did, which there is a lot of cause they each used to to weekly live streams, they had a weekly radio show, and then the lockdown stereo shows. i would recommend just looking up some compilations of those, they usually contain a lot of the important lore moments. the stereo shows are quite fun to listen to as podcasts, so i would recommend doing that. also because it's a lot more recent than their old live streams it's a lot more relevant.

anyway, another very long answer. if you have more things to say feel free to do so :)

[hellfirenacht]

me when i jump over your fence to indulge you. HIHI rachel im here to!!! make you ramble!! affectionately!!(you dont have to ramble if you dont wanna). youre in a fandom that i thankfully know stuff about AND SO I WAS CURIOUS if we could get insight into your relationship with eddie?? im most curious on how yall met, the dynamic(s) yall share, if yall have been in a relationship before the season started...just general relationship tidbits!!!

This has been sitting in my ask box for over a month because I'm so used to writing x reader that I often forgo my own self ship with him even though he's basically been all I've been thinking about for a few months lmfao.

Anyway this one is for me, sorry everyone else.

-I honestly keep thinking about with this specifically, being Isekai'd into Stranger Things Vol 4, (Isekai Chronicles is loosely based on this concept, though of course my own story has some bits that would be exclusive to me instead of a Reader)

-Meeting Eddie was a lot of pussy-footing around and almost approaching him but chickening out. Less in a shy way and more in an anxiety way. I ended up Forcing My Own Meet Cute by buying weed off of him because that's the most sane and logical way to meet your crush, right?

-We become friends after that, and it's very much a slow-burn one sided crush. He liked my hair and my tattoos and how I was a freak too. Did you know that tattooing was illegal in Indiana in the 80s?

-It's so hard for me to judge Eddie by 80's standards. As accepted and popular as he'd be today, yeah, he WOULD have been an outcast in the 80s. We both would have, but there's a lot of comfort in having each other around.

-A lot of our relationship involved teasing and play fighting and some real fighting, but never anything hurtful or too far. Eddie is stubborn, and I'm not afraid to call him out like a lot of Hellfire Club is.

-We become a safe space for each other, and because I'm me I'll always bend over backwards for the people I love. I'd do anything to save him and keep him alive

-The details get muddy when season 4 starts. I can never decide if I save Chrissy, therefor saving Eddie. Or if I take Chrissy's place as Cursed, or a secret third thing. (I get blamed for Chrissy's death? Actually that's something worth exploring, I'll put a pin in that)

-Something something, Upside Down, something something, Vecna, uhhhh

-I confess to Eddie before the final battle because I'm terrified that I haven't done enough and it doesn't... go super great. It's bad timing, Eddie has no idea how to feel. We kiss. Even less makes sense.

-I pull off Distraction 2 Electric Boogaloo and manage to save Eddie.

-His name is cleared, but the town still never trusts him again. Eddie runs away and everything goes from Upside Down to Inside Out.

-Basically all of my self ship with Eddie gets broken up into pieces and distributed to different fics I write.

-There's an eventual happy ending when all is said and done.

Sorry this is all over the place, it's so hard to write him for myself sometimes!

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Shin [MANSERVANT ENDING]

ー The scene starts with the night sky

Shin: ...We should be safe for a while after making it this far. 

ー The scene shifts to the forest.

Yui: Yeah...

( Thank god... )

Shin: ...Now tell me...Why are you here? 

Yui: Because you are here. 

You told me, remember? That I could stick with you if that’s what I wanted. 

Shin: ...Well...

...Listen, you nearly died back there!

Pierced through the chest by my very own hand alongside the leader of the Vibora...!

Yui: ...

Shin: ...Anyway, the Vibora clan and most likely Nii-san as well will come after me. 

However, you have nothing to do with any of this.

If you don’t want to put yourself at risk, you should go seek out Nii-san or heck, even go back to those guys in the Demon World for all I care!

Yui: ...No, I’m not going. 

Shin: ...What are you saying? If you would have said that to me back when we first met, I would have punched you, you know? 

Yui: I don’t care. I’ll stay with you. 

Shin: ...Ah.

...And what if I say you can’t? 

Yui: I’ll stay regardless. You’re not getting rid of me.

Shin: ...

...I have no words.

...You’ll only get in my way.

ー He walks away

Yui: ( Ah...! He’s leaving. I better follow him...! )

( But it’s dark and the path is bumpy as well... )

Shin: ...Che...What are you doing? 

ー He returns

Yui: ( Ah...Shin-kun, he came back for me...? )

Shin: ...Give me your hand. 

Yui: Eh...?

Shin: ...Even if you’re the one who decided to follow me, I can’t help but get worried about you. 

Yui: Shin-kun...

Shin: Come on, hurry up and give me your hand already. Or else I’m actually just leaving you behind. 

Yui: O-Okay...!

( ...Shin-kun... )

Monologue

ーー To hell with everything. 

I’m pretty sure that’s what I told myself,

as I dashed out of the castle. 

However, there’s this one person,

I wanted to protect.

It feels natural to have her there by my side,

but the second I take my eyes of her, someone tries to destroy her.

That kind of person. Just her.

I’ve always held my identity as a Founder,

in very high regard. 

However, she surpasses even that,

as I wish to shield her from harm with my very own hands.

ー The scene shifts to the wax doll room at the Sakamaki manor

Shin: ( Quite some time has passed since we came to this creepy manor... )

( I’m starting to get used to living here... )

( However, Yui still seemed a little unsettled by it. )

( Right. I’ll give her a bit of a scare once she gets back. )

Hehe...

( Aah...It’s honestly funny I’m able to smile like this despite the circumstances. )

( We don’t have a past nor a future. )

( But even so... )

???: ...Oh dear...?

Someone seems to be in rather high spirits despite being on the run. 

Shin: ...!

ー Richter walks up to Shin

Shin: ...Mertz, no...Your real name is Richter, right? Yui told me everything.

Richter: Fufu. Then you must think of me as quite the horrible man.

Shin: Horrible? I think you meant to say ‘cringy’ instead? 

...So, why are you here anyway? 

Richter: ...Aah...Please do not worry. I have already taken care of business. 

I took back a certain someone. My very own...Cordelia, that is.

Shin: ...!!

What did you do to Yui...!? 

Richter: Nothing at all. I have not laid a single finger upon her precious body which she shares with Cordelia.

I just had her...take a small nap, that’s all. Fufufu...!!

You let your guard down, Tsukinami Shin. 

Shin: You...!

Richter: Woah there. Are you sure you can risk attacking me? Who knows...What could happen to her? 

Of course, I would never harm her. Trust me, I will take very good care of her as well...

However, depending on your behavior...I might just have to be a little rough with her, you see...

Shin: ...You piece of trash...

Richter: Fufu...Run your mouth all you want.

However...You know what to do, correct? 

ーー Kneel down in front of me and kiss my feet. 

If you wish to protect her, you will have to cast your stupid pride aside. 

Shin: ...Ugh. 

*Rustle rustle*

Richter: ...Aah....

Exactly, good boy. 

Shin: ( Yui...Right now, I finally understand how Nii-san felt when he had to bow his head to the Vibora. )

( ーー But for your sake, I will... )

Richter: Fufu...Ahahaha!

Did you see that, Karlheinz!? A Founder! A Founder lowered his head for me...Ahaha!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the bedroom in Richter’s manor

Yui: ...Nn...

( Where am I...? )

Richter: ...Hello there, seems like you are awake? 

Yui: Y-You’re...!!

( I have to run...! )

*Cling*

Yui: ( Ah! When did he put a shackle on my ankle...!? )

Richter: ...I recommend you keep still. What if you were to scar that beautiful skin of yours? 

Yui: ...Stay away...

Richter: Please do not be so cold. My beloved, Cordelia...

You never opened your heart to me...

*Rustle*

Yui: D-Don’t come any closer!

Richter: Cordelia...I love you. Very much so...Nn...

Yui: ...! No...Nooo...!

...Save me...Shin-kun...

Richter: ...Fufu...You always seek out another man in front of me. 

...If you are that worried about that Founder...

Allow me to show you just how pathetic he is. I am sure it will ruin your eternal love for him. 

Go ahead, take a look in this mirrorーー 

Yui: ( This is... )

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall at Eden

*HOOOOOWL*

Shin: Haah, haah, haah...I’ve found you, Karlheinz...!

Karlheinz: ...Oh, it’s you. 

I suppose you live up to your name as a Founder, making it all the way over here by yourself. 

Are you after my life, perhaps...? Although I will not go down without a fight.

*Snap*

Vampire Knight A: We shall not allow you to lay a single finger on Karlheinz-sama!

Vampire Knight B: You shall meet your end here, descendant of Founders!

Shin: ...Ugh.

Karlheinz: No matter how strong you may be, you stand no chance. 

You should be smart enough to realize that. ーー Surrender. 

Shin: ...

...As if I’d ever yield to you bastards. 

Karlheinz: ...

Shin: I’m not backing down. Right here, right now...I will kill you!

It’s game over for you!

Karlheinz: ...Why would you go that far...? 

...Hm. Could it be that...?

Is someone being...No, is she being held hostage...? 

Shin: ...

Karlheinz: I see. In that case, I shall leave it up to you to decide whether you will throw in the towel or not. 

However... I will not show hold back either way.

If you choose not to back down...Then you will perish right here. 

ー The scene shifts back to the bedroom at Richter’s manor

Yui: Shin-kun!! Shin-kun...!!

Richter: Fufu, in the end, he failed to murder Karlheinz, and did not even lose his own life in the process. 

Yui: Shin-kun...

( Aah...I don’t care what his reasoning was, as long as he’s still alive... )

Richter: Fufu...Are you sure you should be so relieved?

Yui: Eh...?

Richter: While he may have survived, Karlheinz decided to show him mercy by sparing his life. 

ーー I am sure that must be ten times more humiliating to him than simply dying. 

Yui: Shin-kun...

Richter: Fufu, he is as good as dead inside. 

Yui: W-Where is he? Where is Shin-kun!? 

Richter: That guy! ...Just forget about him. 

ー The scene shifts to the night sky

Richter: ...No, allow me to make you forget. 

My beloved ーー Cordelia. 

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: N...No...

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: Stooooop!

Monologue

I screamed and cried,

but I was left completely powerless. 

But in the back of my mind,

I kept on thinking back to Shin-kun. 

I want to hear his voice,

I want him to say my name,

but nothing ever goes my way. 

Shortly after my voice got hoarse,

the inside of my head,

goes completely blank. 

Hey, Shin-kun. 

This time...I have been tainted for real.

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the forest

Yui: ...

( Shin-kun...I’m so sorry. I... )

*Rustle*

Yui: ...Who’s there...?

*HOOOOWL*

Yui: ( This is...one of Shin-kun’s... )

*HOOOOWL*

Yui: ( Is it trying...to tell me something? )

ー The wolf runs off again

Yui: Ah...!

( ...What should I do? I guess I’ll try following him for now. )

ー Yui chases after the wolf until she reaches a cave

Yui: ( ...This is...? )

*HOOOOWL*

Yui: ( He’s telling me to go even further inside...? )

???: ...Ugh...

Yui: ...!

( This voice...Could it be...? )

ー Yui runs ahead to find Shin

Yui: Shin-kun...!!

Shin: ...Ah...Yui...

Yui: You’re terribly wounded...!

We have to...treat your injuries right away...

But, I, I...I can never be yours again...

Shin: ...?

Yui: I...By that man...

Shin: ...Ugh. Yui...Aah...

...You silly girl. I don’t...give a damn about that. 

Please...Come here. I want to feel you...

Yui: Shin-kunーー!

???: ...I won’t let that happen. 

Yui: ( T-This voice... )

Shin: ...! Nii-sa...

Carla: Despite being a Founder...You betrayed me. 

I cannot...forgive you!

Shin: Aah!

Yui: ( It’s hot...burning even...But, still...I... )

Shin...kun...I’ll be with you, forever...

On certain CGs, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.

“No matter what happens, I will never let go of you. ...So don’t you dare leave my side either, okay? We’ll be together forever.” 

“In the end, I was never able to surpass Nii-san. Nor could I protect you, the person most dear to my heart.” 

Shin: Yui...

...Together...

Yui: ( Exactly, Shin-kun. We will...always be together... )

Shin: ...I love...

Yui: ( I love you, Shin-kun. )

( My love for you...it burns me up... )

ーー THE END ーー 

[aueua]

just wanted to say that I love your drawings and I hope I get as good as you some day

thank you very much!! we all start from somewhere

aand my apologies in advance; you probably weren't expecting some incoherent mumbling, but it's been a long day and I'll just say things nobody has to pay this much mind.

I did this one late october in 2013! beautiful, ain't it? I don't even remember this OC at all aside from being a bunny/wolf hybrid, giving her features I liked at the time (yet they're somehow not black and red, I know, it's shocking). I wasn't really well-versed in digital art yet, not that my traditional was much different. used GIMP—which might explain the pixelated grass—and an airbrush at 100% for everything. lines. coloring. absolutely no layer modes/filters.

but, I thought it was very cool back then. it's still pretty cool to me now. my lines were shaky, not necessarily clean, and the year or so with a trackpad was hell and I had actively used a mouse for nearly a decade right after that.

waves hand.

point is, I'm really flattered! that I'm part of your aspirations. I don't really process the extent of my impression on others.

you really don't have to be as good as me. actually, you can be. most likely you will be, probably even better—if it's really somewhere you want to be. just might take time albeit, but I hope that art's fun for you. I wish you the best of luck in your journey at every step—that you develop your style in the way that makes you most comfortable and happiest doing things that also end up in exciting results no matter the medium.

these honestly might seem like empty words since... gestures vaguely. but I really do mean all of them. I had a depressing streak of self-inferiority and deprecation when I was younger. frequently compared myself to other artists in all forms, just in all the bad ways. got bothered tons by numbers and feedback. got even more self-conscious after some light teasing from peers and getting onto a cringe blog. (sometimes I still feel that way when I get really bad.)

that one was a tangent. o|-<

if you ever need someone to cheer you on, I'm here!! I enjoy looking at images. I love looking at art. I love getting to see what others are interested in enough to make something out of nothing with all of their heart and soul. does this make sense? I would have never had such a vehement streak for drawing if it were not for the support back then even among all the Childhood "Angst", so like.

strikes a pose. I'm bad at doing it nowadays, but I don't mind spending the time to give a more sincere compliment (or feedback otherwise, to the best of my ability) if someone has a specific piece—or anything really—that they're real proud about. I have Been there in the pit of zero response leading to zero motivation before even if art is supposed to be for fun and not shared with the purpose of attention but like. it's fun getting microdoses of serotonin for stuff ya know... it's sharing a piece of you...

erm. maybe this has gone on for too long, so I hope this makes somewhat sense. it's just. I would hate someone to be discouraged because of the lack of attention they receive for something they bled their heart over? this is redundant.

whatever the case and however you do it, I really do wish you well. I will Hit and Hurt anyone that would deter you otherwise (even if that is yourself, in which case I would just gently rattle you). we don't know each other I imagine, but still. come to think of it maybe you already ARE happy with your stuff and HELL YEAH that is THE WAY TO GO!!

but I do not know, so I wanted to be safe in the case that it was not.

anywho! to anyone reading this spiel, we do not have to speak about this ever again!! I will probably forget about this tomorrow honestly because that has been the pattern nowadays for rambling at dead o'clock hours.

eat, drink, stretch, and rest; do what you must. I hope that today is yours, and if not, tomorrow. the days after. may they be manageable enough, and I wish you all things good and kind. maybe even a pleasant surprise to shake things up a little...

(´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) please take care.

[one-coming-is-enough]

how's judas 👀

Honestly, he is just now starting to recover from everything that happened. He barely even wanted to leave his room until, like, the 1970s.

Like, what I went through was really rough, but I also had about twenty years to come to terms with the fact that I was going to have a really, really painful couple of days before I started My eternal duties, you know? And it's really stressful on the day-to-day, but I do have a lot of support and goodwill from folks in Heaven and on Earth, and that really helps Me not to despair as much as I guess I could be doing.

I've also had SO many people ask me to sit in on their confession, or therapy session, or twelve-step-meeting. To some extent, I've been able to heal. Sometimes you have to become a little more of a mess than you were for that to happen, but that's okay.

Judas hasn't had any of that for centuries. It's just been Me and St. Andrew (I honestly don't like whipping people but Andrew's gotten good at it, apparently a lot of people who enjoy whips and chains are very fond of his cross for some reason) and then St. Sebastian once he got up here.

And I'm only sharing that we're using that stuff to help him work through his own issues because we both want to remind people that you shouldn't harm yourself to get closer to Me. I don't want anyone to do that to themselves! Be Safe, Sane, and Consensual about your Penance, and stop if you start to feel unwell. (Mortification of the flesh doesn't improve your Karmic Point Balance. Go volunteer at a food bank or clean up litter instead.)

Then the non-saint Andrew (although I would TOTALLY hire him for that!), the fabulous Baron Lloyd Webber, wrote that musical and it's like people finally understood him! He was so happy just to see one piece of media besides his own gospel (the one where I explained the whole "get me on the Crucifix" plot? Yeah? I guess a good magician never reveals Her tricks, but I never wanted to trick people) where he was actually portrayed as being anything other than a money-grubbing asshole.

I actually went with him to see it in London in 1992, and even though it brought up a lot of painful memories I honestly loved it.

(I like Andrew Lloyd Webber anyway. I know a lot of people say he's so basic, but so what? I'm literally two thousand years old, I'm a simple man with simple tastes, I like stories about innocent ingenues with a special talent being seduced by mysterious, brooding men who live in a dramatically decorated basement. And I also like little songs about kitties.)

Alright, I didn't mean to talk about Myself and My taste in musicals instead of answering your question, but to be honest Judas is a really private person for the most part, and there's only so much I think he'd like Me to share.

But we do both appreciate you asking, very much. He could really use some good thoughts.

[neurodecadence]

hmm. prime numbers be upon ye

Emily I value you as a friend, but this is evil. I am just a poor sleepy dame and you want me to do maths? to find Prime Numbers? how dare you.

Anyway, let's do it.

2. Do you like to use the term queer for yourself? Or just LGBT, etc? Love queer as a term, adore it. My whole... deal is messy and not easy to discern and being able to say "ehhh you know that whole thing" is nice and easy.

3. Which pronouns do you use? So it's complicated a bit thanks to plurality (we have slightly different pronoun sets), but the shortest answer is "It/It's* for strangers and new people, It/She for friends and closer people". If I ever use She referring to myself, it's specifically one part referring to the other. *(yes I know the apostrophe is grammatically incorrect but the grammar was not written with the idea of it as a person pronoun in mind, so suck it, I am keeping it)

5. Are you "out" publicly? I mean I'm a six foot tall, broad shouldered entity in a wheelchair when I go out, who gave up on voice training because it's too much effort. I don't exactly have much choice BUT to be out, which is fine. I get a lot of kids being curious and I think that's sweet, when they look at me and are trying to process a LOT of thoughts all at once.

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family? I don't have much of a family tbh. That's not just and edgy statement, my biological familia consists of me and my mother, every other person who shares my bloodline is not welcome near me ever again. I'm glad I don't have contact with them tbh, because I know I WOULD have been a token queer to a few of my family members, and I don't wanna be used like that.

11. Favorite (or just one you love) piece of LGBT media? Shiiiit, hard to narrow it down to one, you know. I might have to give it to The Last Girl Scout, by local tumblr legend Natalie Ironside. It's a story about queer love and building something beautiful in the ashes of the old, about healing, really healing, from trauma and pain, it's about connections and learning who you are through others. It's also about shooting fascists, a cool polish vampire, and communist political arguments. It's a good read, changed my life.

13. Do you choose to reclaim slurs, why or why not? I do it, but it's sorta tricky to express why. It's partly for the same reason I prefer It as a pronoun, it's about taking assumed power. What I mean is, as a visibly trans person, people are always playing the pronoun guessing game before I talk to them, running those guess and assumptions and deciding what they'll use at me. By using "It" as the preferred pronoun, there's a part of stealing that back, a bit of "you cannot have guessed that, and also if you intended to use that to misgender me, oooooh too bad bitch". In the same regard, calling myself a slur feel like taking power out of people's hands. Hands that may seek to wield it against me. I have faced institutional transphobia more than once, but it was always simple chafing microaggressions stacks atop one another. By saying out loud "yeah I'm a fuckin' tranny, what're you gonna do about it", it's like bringing a KS-23 4 Gauge Shotgun to a watergun fight (that's a very big gun by the by). Maybe I've overthought it a bit, and I'll admit, I don't make people in public use It pronouns for me because I don't really get out much (also a Pin for that might save some time), but that's my thinking on the topic.

17. Have you ever attended Pride in a big city/ large metro area? I really do not get out a lot. Also I forget that Pride month is february in Aotearoa and by the time I remember the parade happened weeks ago. So that's on me.

19. Do you feel safe and accepted in your local community? Pretty damn safe tbh. Folks around here practice the stance of "ain't gonna let that ruin my day". Doesn't hurt it's on the edge of a Uni district, lots of 20 somethings doing weird cool stuff. The only times I've dealt with problems have been petty bureaucrats with a lick of power exerting it at me. Then I go holler at higher ups and make their life a living hell. I'd feel bad, but maybe don't misgender me seventeen times in two minutes and verbally attack me on at 9pm on a monday night.

23. Do you prefer loud parties or quiet? Yeah I really don't get out a lot, and especially not enough to go to parties. Still I like a quiet gathering, if it's on the table. Everyone brings some food, there's music playing, no expectations but to be yourself. That kinda vibes.

29. Are you currently partnered, or if not are you interested in having partner(s)? I have two lovely partners, and I adore them to the end of the world and back. I'm not actively seeking any more romantic attachments, but I'm also not saying it's off the table (fate has a funny way with these things). My only problem atm is my dear partners are aaaaaall the way on the west coast of the USA, and I'm down here in kiwi-land. I'm not saying the distance isn't worth it, but I am saying I would like some more hugs in my future. Or sex. That'd be cool too.

31. Post a pic in your pride gear (or it can just be a selfie or anything else lgbt):

Have an image of this beast.

Okay that's everything, done, complete, kaput, finito. This is simply way too many words about myself but I can't NOT complete this order, especially since it's from cool pal Emily. If you read this far, please send me wishes that I get a good nights sleep at some point in June, I feel like I'm going nuts.

Well, Nuts-er, I mean.