#clinical sas programming

[greatonlinetrainingsposts]

Clinical SAS Programming: A Lucrative Career Path Beyond Certifications

Clinical SAS programming has become one of the most rewarding and in-demand career paths in the field of clinical research. It plays a critical role in helping pharmaceutical companies, biotech firms, and research organizations analyze and manage clinical trial data. While certifications are an excellent way to demonstrate your skills, true success in Clinical SAS programming requires more than just credentials. This guide will show you how to excel in this career by combining technical expertise with real-world problem-solving skills.

What is Clinical SAS Programming?

Clinical SAS programming involves using SAS (Statistical Analysis System) software to process, analyze, and report data generated from clinical trials. Clinical trials are essential to test the safety and efficacy of new drugs, medical devices, and treatments. SAS programmers transform raw clinical data into clear, structured insights that help researchers make critical decisions.

Key Responsibilities of Clinical SAS Programmers:

Preparing clinical datasets based on CDISC (Clinical Data Interchange Standards Consortium) guidelines like SDTM (Study Data Tabulation Model) and ADaM (Analysis Data Model).

Generating statistical reports, graphs, and tables for regulatory submissions.

Writing SAS programs to clean, validate, and analyze trial data.

Collaborating with statisticians, data managers, and clinical researchers to ensure accurate results.

Why is Clinical SAS Programming a Lucrative Career?

1. High Demand for SAS Programmers

Clinical trials are a critical part of drug development, and every trial produces massive amounts of data. With increasing global investments in healthcare and pharmaceuticals, the demand for skilled SAS programmers is growing rapidly. Companies rely on these professionals to ensure data accuracy and compliance with regulatory standards.

2. Competitive Salaries

Clinical SAS programming offers attractive salaries. Entry-level programmers often start with salaries ranging from $70,000 to $90,000 annually, while experienced professionals can earn over $120,000. Senior positions, such as Principal SAS Programmers, command even higher pay due to their expertise and leadership responsibilities.

3. Flexible Work Options

Many Clinical SAS programmers enjoy flexibility in their careers. You can work full-time, as a consultant, or even remotely. This adaptability allows you to balance your personal and professional life while growing your career.

4. Global Career Opportunities

Clinical SAS programming follows international standards, which means your skills are valuable worldwide. Whether you want to work for a local company or contribute to global research projects, Clinical SAS programming opens doors to opportunities across the globe.

Beyond Certifications: Skills That Make You Stand Out

While certifications in SAS programming provide a solid foundation, employers often look for additional skills and practical experience. Here’s how you can differentiate yourself in the field:

1. Technical Skills

Master SAS Base, SAS Advanced, and SAS Macro programming.

Gain hands-on experience in creating datasets, running statistical analyses, and generating reports.

2. Understanding Clinical Research

Familiarize yourself with clinical trial processes, regulatory requirements, and CDISC standards like SDTM and ADaM.

Learn how clinical trial phases and regulatory approvals work.

3. Attention to Detail

In Clinical SAS programming, accuracy is critical. Errors in data or reports can have significant consequences, including delays in drug approvals.

4. Problem-Solving Abilities

Clinical trial data can be messy. Being able to identify issues and implement effective solutions is a key trait of successful programmers.

5. Statistical Knowledge

Having a basic understanding of statistics can help you interpret trial results. Concepts like p-values, confidence intervals, and hypothesis testing are often used in clinical data analysis.

6. Communication Skills

Clinical SAS programmers work in cross-functional teams. Being able to explain your findings to non-technical stakeholders is just as important as your technical expertise.

Career Path in Clinical SAS Programming

A career in Clinical SAS programming offers a clear progression path, with opportunities to advance as you gain experience. Below is a typical career trajectory:

Entry-Level Programmer: Focus on learning SAS basics and handling routine tasks like data cleaning and creating simple reports.

Mid-Level Programmer: Take on more complex projects, collaborate with teams, and optimize programming processes.

Senior Programmer: Lead projects, mentor junior programmers, and handle advanced statistical analyses.

Principal SAS Programmer: Specialize in regulatory submissions and oversee clinical programming teams.

Managerial Roles: Move into project management or leadership roles, such as Clinical Data Manager or Statistical Programming Manager.

Each level offers increased responsibility, better pay, and the chance to make a bigger impact in the field.

How to Start Your Career in Clinical SAS Programming

If you’re interested in becoming a Clinical SAS programmer, here’s how to get started:

1. Get the Right Education

Pursue a degree in life sciences, computer science, statistics, or a related field. While a degree is not mandatory, it provides a strong foundation.

2. Enroll in Training Programs

Look for Clinical SAS programming training that offers hands-on experience. Make sure the program covers important topics like SDTM, ADaM, and statistical programming.

3. Build Practical Experience

Take internships or entry-level roles to gain real-world experience. Focus on building a portfolio of projects to showcase your skills.

4. Stay Updated

The clinical research field is always evolving. Join professional groups, attend webinars, and stay informed about the latest trends in SAS programming and clinical research.

Why Clinical SAS Programming is Worth Pursuing

Clinical SAS programming is not just a job; it’s a career that makes a difference. You’ll contribute to life-saving research, help bring new drugs to market, and earn a rewarding salary while doing so.

By going beyond certifications and focusing on skills like problem-solving, communication, and technical expertise, you can set yourself up for long-term success in this field. Whether you’re just starting out or looking to grow your career, Clinical SAS programming offers endless opportunities for growth and impact.

Take the first step today, and you might find yourself playing a key role in the next big breakthrough in healthcare.

[educationwaleh]

Leading Clinical SAS Programming Course in Hyderabad

In today’s data-driven world, the healthcare and pharmaceutical industries are heavily reliant on data analytics to drive research and development. Clinical SAS programming is a vital skill set that empowers professionals to manage, analyze, and interpret clinical trial data accurately. For those looking to make a mark in this dynamic field, a Clinical SAS programming course in Hyderabad offers the perfect blend of theoretical knowledge and practical expertise.

Why Clinical SAS Programming is Essential

Clinical SAS programming involves the use of SAS (Statistical Analysis System) software to process clinical data. This data is crucial for the development of new drugs, medical devices, and treatment protocols. By leveraging SAS programming, clinical researchers can generate comprehensive reports, perform complex statistical analyses, and ensure compliance with regulatory standards. The ability to accurately handle clinical data is indispensable for making informed decisions that enhance patient outcomes and advance medical science.

Hyderabad: The Ideal Destination for Clinical SAS Training

Hyderabad, known for its rich educational landscape and burgeoning IT sector, is a prime location for pursuing a Clinical SAS programming course. Here’s why:

Renowned Educational Institutions: Hyderabad is home to several top-tier institutions that offer specialized training in Clinical SAS programming. These institutions provide a robust curriculum designed to meet the evolving needs of the industry.

Thriving Industry Ecosystem: The city’s strong presence of IT and pharmaceutical companies offers abundant opportunities for internships, practical training, and job placements. The industry ecosystem in Hyderabad supports continuous learning and career advancement.

Cost-Effective Education: Compared to other major cities, Hyderabad offers high-quality education at a more affordable cost, making it accessible to a broader range of students.

The Whiteboard: Leading the Way in Clinical SAS Training

When it comes to Clinical SAS programming courses, The Whiteboard stands out as a leading institute in Hyderabad. Here’s an in-depth look at what The Whiteboard offers:

Extensive Curriculum: The Clinical SAS programming course at The Whiteboard covers all fundamental and advanced aspects of SAS programming. Students learn about data manipulation, statistical procedures, and report generation, all tailored to real-world clinical research applications.

Experienced Instructors: The Whiteboard’s faculty includes seasoned professionals with significant industry experience. Their expertise ensures that students gain practical insights and are well-prepared for the challenges of clinical data analysis.

Hands-on Learning: The course emphasizes practical training through live projects and case studies. This hands-on approach helps students apply theoretical concepts to real-world scenarios, enhancing their problem-solving skills and readiness for professional roles.

Certification and Career Support: Upon completing the course, students receive an industry-recognized certification that bolsters their employability. The Whiteboard also provides robust career support, including placement assistance and networking opportunities with industry leaders.

Clinical SAS Course and Internship Opportunities

In addition to the comprehensive training program, The Whiteboard offers valuable internship opportunities. These internships are designed to provide hands-on experience in a professional setting, allowing students to apply their knowledge and skills to actual clinical data projects.

Practical Experience: Interns work on live clinical data projects, gaining firsthand experience in data management, statistical analysis, and reporting. This practical exposure is critical for understanding the complexities of clinical trials and data interpretation.

Skill Enhancement: Internships help refine technical skills and develop new competencies, such as advanced SAS programming techniques and data visualization.

Professional Networking: Interning with established organizations allows students to build professional connections, which can be beneficial for future job opportunities and career growth.

Improved Employability: Completing an internship demonstrates to potential employers that the candidate has practical experience and is prepared to handle real-world challenges. This can significantly enhance a graduate’s resume and job prospects.

Career Prospects for Clinical SAS Professionals

Graduates of Clinical SAS programming courses from reputed institutes like The Whiteboard are well-positioned in the job market. The demand for skilled Clinical SAS professionals is high across various sectors, including pharmaceuticals, biotechnology, healthcare, and contract research organizations (CROs).

Job Roles: Common roles for Clinical SAS programmers include Clinical Data Analyst, Biostatistician, Clinical Data Manager, and Clinical SAS Programmer. These positions involve managing clinical trial data, performing statistical analyses, generating regulatory reports, and ensuring data integrity.

Salary Prospects: The financial rewards in this field are substantial. Entry-level positions offer competitive salaries, which increase with experience and expertise. Senior professionals and those with specialized skills can command higher salaries and enjoy significant career growth.

Global Opportunities: With the global standardization of clinical trials and data management practices, SAS programmers trained in Hyderabad have opportunities not just within India but also internationally. Many multinational companies seek professionals with robust training and practical experience, making Hyderabad-trained professionals highly attractive.

Conclusion

Pursuing a Clinical SAS programming course in Hyderabad, especially at a prestigious institute like The Whiteboard, is a strategic step for anyone looking to build a successful career in the healthcare and pharmaceutical industries. The combination of comprehensive training, practical experience, and robust career support equips students with the skills and knowledge needed to excel in this field.

Investing in Clinical SAS programming training can lead to a fulfilling career with abundant opportunities for growth and advancement. If you are passionate about clinical data analysis and want to contribute to groundbreaking medical research, embarking on this educational journey in Hyderabad is the perfect start.

[unicodehealthcareservices45]

[outnumberedsins]

OEA Terms - Clinical/Academic vs. Community

This post aims to provide comparisons and sources for OEA community terms and their academic counterparts. This is not a post that serves to say what terms are more valid or not, just a review. I may not be able to find references to everything, so if I say a term isn't clinical and it has been mentioned, feel free to correct me. This is a long one, so buckle in. This may be updated.

Overarching Acronyms

for the sake of clarity, im going to use 'OEA' throughout this post to serve as the general acronym.

RAMCOA - Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse

RAMCOA stems from the ISSTD developed special interest group, the "Ritual Abuse Mind Control Organized Abuse Special Interest Group" (RAMCOA SIG) in 2008. [1] This, along with OEA, is the most common acronym used. There is a lot of controversy over this term, and much of the community has begun to switch to OEA.

OEA - Organized Extreme Abuse

From the ISSTD as well, emerging in 2020 as the previous SIG was renamed to "Organized and Extreme Abuse SIG." [2] This is believed to be because of the controversy surrounding the previously named group.

SRA - Satanic Ritual Abuse

An outdated term that comes from the satanic panic era in the 1980s. Much of the content that used this term is conspiracy-like in nature. However, some early OEA research (typically from 1990-2000) and books use this acronym and are genuine, so it requires a lot of critical thinking. [3][4]

RA, SA, CRA, ORA - Ritual Abuse, Sadistic Abuse, Cult (and) Ritual Abuse, Organized Ritual Abuse

These are more casual terms used in the 1990s-early 2000s before RAMCOA was established, when 'Satanic' was no longer accurate, and when there was a search to coin a new overarching term. Despite the name, these terms were used as overarching acronyms for things outside of RA as well. I've included these all in one due to their similarities and/or due to the fact they weren't used frequently. There are also a variety of other terms mentioned that I've noted in one of the sources below.[5, CRA] [6, SA][7, RA as a general term ][8, ORA, review of other terms]

DIDMCSRA - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mind Control, and Satanic Ritual Abuse

A barely used term from 2016 coined by a community member. It seems to have existed very briefly and didn't extend past a couple of members. However, the community aspect provided is interesting.

MC-Specific Terms

terms specific to mind control and programming

Programming

Programming generally has the same definition between the community and clinicians. It is defined as "systematic torture that blocks the victim’s capacity for conscious processing, and then employs suggestion and/or classical and operant conditioning to implant thoughts, directives, and perceptions in the unconscious mind, often in newly-formed trauma-induced dissociated identities, that force the victim to do, feel, think, or perceive things for the purposes of the programmer." [9]

TBMC/TBCMC - Trauma/Torture Based Mind Control/Trauma Based Coersive Mind Control

TBMC is a term that clinically describes programming. However, within the community, this term can expand to include other types of mind control as well. The earliest mention I can find of this term was in 2007. [9]

Scripts - "Structures."

The term 'Script' is a community term to describe a phenomenon in programming where programmers will utilize certain media to program system structure. I have a whole other post on this. The term Script itself comes from an unreliable source, svalispeaks, but the idea itself is mentioned in literature under terms such as "Structures" of the innerworld. I'm just going to leave a link to my post about it if you want to explore the sources themselves, as this one is complicated.

Side Systems / 'Left' and 'Right' Systems

Sidesystems are a community made term that describes a structure in programmed systems where a set of alters are completely separate from the others, functioning as a completely separate system. In the clinical sense, this is sometimes referred to as the "left" and "right" systems, with one side being full of programmed parts and the other being daily life parts. However, sidesystems don't necessarily have to be to the left or right of each other. I'm also going to link my post that goes into more detail about them, but it doesn't provide any more clinical sources, so just take it how you will.[10, pg 131]

Screen / Cover Memories

Screen Memories are created memories that programmers use to "cover up" the abuse. They use impossible or highly improbable events, for example, an alien abduction, to discredit the victim and hide real memories of abuse. This is also called Cover Memories/Programs, and it is the same within the community. [10, pg 197]

System Reset / Epochal Division

Epochal Division refers to the phenomenon of where major life changes cause systems to replicate some or all of their alters, with the previously existing alters either remaining active or becoming more covert/dormant. OEA survivors sometimes call this a system reset if it derives from programming, though this term is the same as an endogenic coined one and is often frowned upon when used in reference to OEA. This is first documented by Kluft in reference to polyfragmented systems. [11]

System-Hopping

In the OEA sense, system hopping refers to the action of a part traveling from a sidesystem to the main system and vice versa. I am unsure of the origin of this term in OEA spaces, but it seems to be a community-made term that shares the name with an endogenic term. As far as I'm aware, this did not originate as an OEA community term and has existed in endogenic spaces years prior between the years 2001-2003.

Program Names

i won't go through all community terms for specific types of programming, only the most common ones I've seen specifically mentioned in literature or other official sources, as well as any very common within the community. these are not the only possible programs, but this section is already very long. if desired, i can make a separate post going more in detail about all of them. Sources here are triggering and often repeated.

Greek Letters

The greek letter system of programming originated from the community and is not used in clinical literature. Many of the terms originate from very untrustworthy sources (Fritz & Svali) but have expanded to be commonplace. I have also found evidence of Greek letter terms used in the community in 2003 and 2016.

Alpha / Base

The earliest mention of 'Alpha' in reference to programming I can find is from a book I don't consider a reliable source. However, it is described as "base" programming and similar terms clinically. The term refers to newly formed splits that have gone through basic programming (ex. loyalty to the group, following orders).

Backups / Doubles

Backup programs are the presence of programmed parts meant to replace other programmed parts should they fail or be 'disobedient'. Often, these parts will be the exact same as the one they're replacing and receive the same training. Both of these are used as clinical terms, though doubles less commonly. [10, pg 110, pg 144]

Beta / Sexual

The earliest mention of 'Beta' in reference to programming I can find is from a book I don't consider a reliable source. Within the community, this refers to any sexual programming, which is very commonly talked about academically. I'll link one seperate example. [12]

Callback / Re-Contact / Return

Return programs are very much talked about in literature, and all three of the above terms have been used both inside and outside the community. These refer to any programs created to have the victim return to the group/programmers. [13][10][14, pg 115 ]

Delta / Violence

The absolute earliest mention of 'Delta' in reference to programming I can find is from a book I don't consider a reliable source. However, violence programming is referenced in multiple official sources. In the community, Delta programming refers to any programming that revolves around violence towards others. [15]

Epsilon / Nonhuman / Paranormal

Epsilon is the community term for nonhuman programming, or parts that believe they are animals or other nonhuman creatures. This is used for a variety of reasons and doesn't have a specific term, mainly just listed as "parts who believe they are animals/nonhuman."[10, pg 51][14, pg 74 ]

Internal Handlers / Programmers / Enforcers / Organizers

While "Internal Handlers" seems to be more of a community term, Internal Programmers, Enforcers, and Organizers are used in a clinical sense. All of these things refer to varients of programmed parts that internally enforce, replay, and replace programs and programmed parts in some way. These are also often called "higher ups." [10, pg 160, pg 133] [14, pg 63]

Monarch

Project Monarch refers to an alleged subset of Project MKUltra. The idea is created by a conspiracy theorist. However, within the community, "Monarch programming" either refers to: 1. The government-led mind control that occurred during MKUltra/Project Artichoke itself, or 2. Any programming that is government-controlled, government-funded, or that came from a government connected group. It is also referred to as "Monarch-like" programming.

Omega / Suicide / Self-Injury / Lethal

Omega is the community term for all types of Lethal and Self-Injury programming. This is referred to in many different ways academically, but stick to the same general theme. [15]

Organization / Hierarchy

Both in community and clinical senses, there are various types of organizational programming mentioned. Most notably, soldiers, religious alters (angels, demons, etc), and cues such as numbers, shapes or letters, and colors. Usually, these organizations will correspond to a hierarchy. This is used as a way for programmers to more easily organize the system and keep parts in check. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to organizational programs, so those with the same type of organization may have completely different meanings to them. [10, pg 49, pg 131 ]

Reporter / Observer

Reporter programs refer to the same thing in community and clinical terms. They describe programmed parts whose duty it is to report back to the group and/or update them on the systems habits. This often ties into callback and routine programs.[13][10]

Routine / Internal Calender

Routine is the community term for programmed behaviors where the victim does things on certain times, days, etc. Often, this pertains to rituals. Routine programming is sometimes also referred to as an 'Internal Calender' in clinical literature and can be linked with callback programming. [14, pg 57] [15]

Scramble and Varients

In this section, I'm including any sort of programming that causes specific disorentation to make this shorter. Scrambling, Flooding, Rapid Switching, Spinning, Trance, Mist, 'Dead Head,' and other terms have been created and used to describe types of programming that cause the victim to become heavily disoriented, confused, foggy, or otherwise not able to think. There are a wide variety of clinical terms used for these types of programming, but the terms most commonly used in the community are scramble, flood, and spin programming. [14 , pg 88][15][16]

Shell

Shell alters are simplistic parts that function as a 'screen' that other alters speak through. This is used to make the victim not seem multiple and mask other symptoms caused by programming and multiplicity. There is a brief mention of "shell" parts in the context of OSDD, and some non-programmed systems may have experiences that are similar. However, a programmed shell is much different from other described experiences. [14, pg 56 ]

Silence / Speaking Programs

I've included all programs that mention voice in this section. Silence and group-specific speaking programs (programmed responses) are the two I've seen mentioned clinically and may tie into reporter programs. Terms such as hyperverbal are also used in community spaces. [15]

Theta / Religious

The absolute earliest mention of 'Theta' in reference to programming I can find is from a book I don't consider a reliable source. However, it has been widely used within the community outside of that. Theta is a community term that refers to any kind of religious programming, which is well documented in the clinical sense, often just referred to as religious programming or specific examples of programmed parts.

Other / Misc Programming

Things like Body Illness Programs, misc Emotional Programs, Recycle and Amnesia programs, and Isolation programs have been listed in sources provided, among many others not listed here. These are the ones I see mentioned less frequently, and thus, I haven't given a full section. If desired, I'll create a specific post going over all of them.

System Types

as a note, i do not think systems who have been through OEA are inherently more complex. as mentioned, i personally disagree with HC-DID and its creator. this is simply grouping terms i've seen together.

C-DID / Complex DID

Complex DID is a term referring to polyfragmented DID. The term is mentioned by Bennett G. Braun and R. P. Kluft. It is not specific to OEA victims, and many use it as an alternative to polyfragmented.

EC-DID / Extremely Complex DID

EC-DID is a term initially coined by R. P. Kluft in reference to polyfragmented systems, very similar to C-DID. It is not an OEA specific term. However, ritual abuse is mentioned as a cause of said complex system structures. [11]

HC-DID / Highly Complex DID

HC-DID is a community-made term coined by someone later outed as a racist and being inappropriate with minors. For the term itself, the words "highly complex" have been used to describe some system structures and cases in literature. However, it is not a separate clinical term itself and was never said exclusively about OEA survivors. The idea that all programmed system structures are highly complex is also incorrect, as there are small systems that have been programmed. Some members of the community still use this term, while others discredit it. Please keep these things in mind when considering using this term.

RA-DID, OA-DID / Ritual Abuse DID, Organized Abuse DID

These are community terms I've seen used as an alternative to HC-DID as an attempt to create a term specific to OEA survivors. These terms are rarely used and are completely community based.

Thank you for reading. If you have any questions or additions, feel free to send an ask or reply to this post. A reminder that I am not a professional, I am flawed, and I am just doing my best. This post, in particular, is likely to be updated, and I will reblog with changes.

[sarahowritesostucky]

Art in banner is by @hopelessartgeek, who makes a ton of amazing Stucky art!

📖 "Medically Necessitated" Ch 1

Rated: Explicit Pairing: Bucky x Steve Tags: a/b/o, age gap, past rape, rape recovery, trauma recovery, pregnancy, medical trauma, hurt/comfort, mentions of CSA, religious fundamentalism, first time, gender dysphoria, male omegas are intersex (peen & vagine) Summary: After a medical emergency brings him into the ER, Bucky escapes the religious cult he's been raised in. It's up to Steve, nurse practitioner and omega sex & repro specialist, to see him through a medically supervised heat.

1. Jori

Steve meets Bucky under less than ideal circumstances.

T.W. This fic contains occasional mentions of Steve's patients, who deal with issues of csa, sa, abortion, ptsd, and other traumas. Bucky is in the immediate aftermath of a rape at the story's start.

Steve hates sedating patients for procedures, but unfortunately in his line of work it’s often necessary. The only thing worse than when he has to sedate patients, is when he wishes he could sedate a patient, but for some medical reason he can’t. Like now.

“Shhh,” he soothes, petting over his patient’s leg when he feels her starting to tremble again. She’s laying back on the table, legs spread under the privacy blanket he’s given her. Steve settles his gloved hand in the crease where her thigh meets her hip, digs his thumb purposefully into the flesh of her lower belly from over the fabric of her pink hospital gown. There’s a tertiary gland in the low belly/upper mons that is the first of the omega sex glands to develop. And when stimulated properly, it can help to calm them down.

Unfortunately for Steve’s patient, hers won’t be fully developed for a few more years yet. He tries to get at it with his thumb anyway, hoping that if he can just graze it, it might help keep the girl calm until the procedure they’re doing is finished. He’s got her on the highest dosage of lorazepam allowed for a patient her age, but she’s still conscious and there’s nothing he can do for that other than comfort her verbally, using his alpha Voice that, in any other context, would be utterly inappropriate. “You’re doing so good,” he whispers.

Jori blinks her sleepy eyes up at him, another sluggish tear falling down her face. “Is it almost over, Mr. Steve?”

Steve takes a quick look at the machine’s readings, then forces a pained smile for her. “Yeah, Honey. Only a few minutes left. I’m so proud of you, you know that? You’re my best patient ever. Being so brave. Just a little longer here and then we’ll be finished."

They’re in the pediatric exam room, where the walls are painted in cheerful colors and the gynecological equipment is disguised to try and make it less intimidating. Steve likes his job as an omega sexual and reproductive healthcare practitioner, but there are some cases, and some elements, that he really, really wishes didn’t exist. Marjorie Goldberg and this exam room are two of them.

Seeding machines should not come with pediatric-sized attachments.

“Is she okay?” Mrs. Goldberg asks urgently, shooting up from her seat as soon as Steve steps out into the waiting area. Clint is sitting next to her, his OmCare badge clipped onto his jacket, and he stands when she does. Steve takes a deep breath and walks over.

“Marjorie is okay,” he tells her. “She shouldn’t need any more treatments after this one. She’ll need to be on medication for the foreseeable future, though. She needs to get into an intensive therapy program as soon as possible. We’re sending that information to her DCFS caseworker. I’m also recommending monthly checkups back here or at a licensed clinic for at least the next six months.”

“For more of this?!” Mrs. Goldberg takes an angry step forward.

“No. Just to check her levels and monitor her progress,” Steve says, tone clipped. “Nothing invasive, just blood tests and external ultrasounds to make sure everything’s okay.” His eyes flick to Clint, who is watching the woman like a hawk.

Clint is one of the OmegaCare social workers employed by the hospital. He’s there because the Goldbergs don’t currently have custody of their daughter, and it’s been a very … testy situation, with all parties involved.

Mrs. Goldberg is insisting on being as present as she’s legally allowed to be, not missing any appointments, lingering in the waiting room each time poor little Jori has to endure a treatment. She’s not allowed to see Marjory without supervision, and she isn't currently the one in charge of her daughter's medical care, but she's asserted her right to stay informed about it all, and since Steve is temporarily the senior N.P. on the pediatric omega GYN ward, that means it's his side she's a thorn in.

Mr. Goldberg is the reason the treatments have been necessary. He’s in prison now.

“You couldn’t even let me in there to hold her hand!” Mrs. Goldberg is saying, voice raised in anger.

Steve looks her dead in the face. He’s got little to no sympathy for this woman. “That’s not up to me, Mrs. Goldberg. You know that. DCFS is evaluating the nature of your relationship with your daug—”

“She needs me!” Mrs. Goldberg yells, outraged, though obviously on the verge of tears, too. “I’m her mother, for Christ’s sake!”

“And he was her father,” Steve bursts out, unable to contain himself anymore. “And we all know why I just had to be in there, therapeutically inseminating his seven year old daughter!”

Mrs. Goldberg stands there, red-faced and quietly crying. Steve feels near-instant regret hit him when Clint shoots him a what the fuck, man?! look from over the lady's shoulder. Steve swallows guiltily. That’s the kind of reaction that gets you administrative leave, if the client makes a big enough stink about it. By the sound of her pitiful crying though, Mrs. Goldberg is just feeling guilt and misery, hopefully not thinking about taking action against an NP who has just—very loudly and unprofessionally—yelled at her. Steve is supposed to be able to keep his shit together better than this. But then again, this isn’t really his wheelhouse.

He specializes in trauma cases, but the kids usually fall to his colleague, Dr. Connors. Steve is one of only a few staff who are qualified enough to cover most of Connors’ caseload while the man is out on maternity leave. Steve’s happy for the guy, sure—he’s just given birth to two healthy pups after a difficult pregnancy. But Steve’s starting to lose sleep (what little he gets to begin with, these days) to the nature of the work. He’s not cut out for the kids.

He clears his throat and mutters an apology to Mrs. Goldberg, looking at his clipboard rather than her wet face. “Marjorie’s still recovering from the sedation we gave her.” They’d tried for stronger drugs at first, aiming for full or at least twilight sedation, but the little girl had had such violent seizures that it was rendered impossible. “It’ll be another half hour or so until she’s ready to go back to her foster home.”

Mrs. Goldberg sniffles. “She’s alone now?”

“She’s with a nurse,” Steve says. He looks at Clint, nods, then turns to get away from the situation.

“Doctor Rogers!” the woman calls out, her voice all water-logged and choked.

Steve stops walking with a sigh. He doesn’t much bother with correcting people on the 'Doctor' thing anymore, finding it to be a waste of breath. “What?” he says curtly, not turning back around to face her.

“I didn’t know.” Her voice is pleading, tearful and urgent. Maybe she wants him to believe her or feel sorry for her or something. Maybe she just needs somebody to tell her that it’s not her fault. “I swear I never knew what he was doing to her. Not for sure. I swear.”

Steve’s hands tighten on his clipboard so hard that he feels it creak. “Right,” he grits out, forcing himself to continue walking away. “‘Not for sure’.”

Steve leans over the countertop of the nurse’s station and hands Sam a stack of charts. “Four and seven discharged. Five and six were admitted. Still waiting on the attending for eight.”

Sam nods, more bug-eyed than usual. He’s on his fifth coffee now. He takes the charts and starts putting them away. “Kay kay kay.”

“No more coffee,” Steve warns him, and Sam scowls.

“I’m fine.”

“Mmhm.” This is the tail end of the second shift for both of them. Sam’s a nurse on the om-psych ward, and given that Steve handles almost exclusively trauma cases for om-obgyn, he and Sam’s cases tend to intersect a lot. They both also draw the ire of their department managers pretty frequently, so they’re often sentenced to either clinic duty or shifts in the ER together. That’s how they became such good friends, and it’s where they are now.

“How was the shift on pediatrics?” Sam asks, though he sounds like he can already guess the answer. Steve’s been in a foul mood ever since he switched to his ER scrubs and clocked in.

“Awful,” he grunts. “I can’t keep doing the kids. It’s killing my soul. I’m going to my unit head tomorrow and telling her,” he decides. “She can’t force me to do it. I’ll tell HR it’s a mental health issue.”

Sam laughs. “Then they’ll send you my way. I’ll recommend shock therapy.”

“I’d take it over what I had to deal with today.” Steve gives him a brief recap of the Goldberg situation, and Sam loses all his humor.

“Shit, man.”

“Yeah.” Steve can’t say he isn’t really, really grateful to be alpha sometimes. Or at least grateful that he’s not omega. If anybody drew the short straw in life, it certainly seemed to be them. The fact that a grown man could rape his own daughter was bad enough, but then add to that the fact that because the girl was omega and her father alpha, she’d been forced into pre-pubertal heat too, her little body confused and trying to do what it thought it was supposed to do—to the detriment of her health in every way possible.

Steve sighs as he thinks about the abortion he’d had to perform on her. That kid was going to be on meds and in treatment centers for months, maybe years. Probably in therapy for the rest of her goddamn life. “I told them I’d be happy to testify at the guy’s trial,” he tells Sam. “In a medical capacity, if they needed it.”

Sam scoffs. “You are well spoken.”

“Very fucking eloquent.” Steve knows he needs to stop talking about this. It’s keeping him in a foul mood. He runs his hands through his hair. “Ugh, Sam. Distract me. Give me something to do.”

“Like what? Oh, hang on.” He leans over to the computer, clicking the mouse a few times as he navigates the screen. “Dispatch called in a code blue. Adolescent male, nonresponsive. They were doing chest compressions when the call came in.”

“When?”

“About ten minutes ago. So they should be here soon.”

Just as he says it, the doors to the ambulance bay bust open and several paramedics come wheeling in a gurney. Steve goes over to assess. The lead paramedic begins rattling off info to Steve as they move the gurney over to a bed: Adolescent male omega, presented with fever and respiratory distress. Pulse is thready, BP eighty over sixty.

The smell gets Steve right away, and an even stronger waft hits the air when they transfer over to the bed. The omega reeks of heat, but it’s sour and unhealthy smelling—unfulfilled, infected. Besides being inherently unpleasant, Steve’s body is responding to it, his dumb dick perking up like it thinks it can be a hero and help the situation. He tells the nurses to grab him blockers, and the new beta intern gets shoved in the direction of the supply cage.

Steve begins barking out orders. "Okay let’s get a line in him. I want a blood draw, full tox screen. Why isn’t he on oxygen yet? —Paxton! get the fuck off your phone. What the hell, man?”

“Sorry!" the intern says as she returns from her run to the supply cage, wringing her hands and just generally looking terrified of Steve’s ire. “We’re out of dermals.”

Steve ignores her, too busy rattling off IV meds and doses to the nurses. He'll have to wait until he can raid another cage for a transdermal patch to shut his dumb dick it up. He tells the intern to prep the crash cart, just to give her something to do. The boy on the stretcher looks to be in his late teens. He’s wearing jeans and a tee shirt that’s already been cut open. The nurses pull the scraps of it off him while Steve re-checks his vitals. When he shines his penlight in the kid’s eyes, he regains consciousness. He starts to struggle, afraid.

“Hey there,” Steve says, talking in his 'Nothing’s Wrong Here, Folks™️ voice to try and keep the kid from panicking. “I’m Steve, I’m an NP at Mercy General. You’re in the hospital. Can you tell me what you remember?”

“No family came with us,” the medic murmurs in Steve’s other ear. “Call came from a private residence. It was crowded but nobody wanted anything to do with us. They shoved him at us and told us to leave.”

Steve nods. That means it’s likely a drug situation. “What’s your name, Honey?” he asks the kid.

The kid blinks, still confused. “Bucky,” he says, “What happn’d?” He sounds bleary, like he might fade out of consciousness again.

Steve barks at one of the nurses to get him hooked up to the monitoring equipment. “That’s what we’re going to figure out,” he tells the kid kindly. “Bucky, can you remember if you took anything today? Any medicines or other substances?” He watches as the kid’s blown pupils flick around. The scent of frightened omega gets worse and Steve fights not to wrinkle his nose. One of the nurses relays the kid’s high temperature and pulse, his low blood pressure.

Two seconds later, he starts seizing. Steve holds his head steady while one of the nurses shoves a plastic guard between his teeth. They turn him on his side and the smell of urine hits Steve’s nose. As he’s holding the boy still, he puts his face near his neck and gets a better sense of his scent. What he smells makes his own heart rate tick up in alarm. The seizure passes and Steve tells the nurse to cut his remaining clothes off. Bucky’s barely conscious, emitting a low keening sound when Steve looks between his legs. “Fuck,” he curses.

There’s rampant infection, the fact that Steve can tell without even doing an exam is worse than alarming. He tells them to prep heavy duty antibiotics. “I need to do an internal,” he says. With the infection as horrible as it looks, there’s no way he’ll be able to touch the kid while he’s conscious. “Knock him out. And get a rape kit.”

They get him stabilized, on antibiotics and anti-seizure medication. Steve locates a blocker patch in one of the other supply cages to slap on himself before he heads in to do an internal exam on the unconscious omega. He finds impacted slick glands and prostate gland that are so enlarged and inflamed that Steve’s kind of amazed they haven’t ruptured. An ultrasound reveals an illegal IUD. Steve removes it. The boy’s hymen is obviously newly torn, and there are signs of recent tying. He's been raped by at least one alpha—violently, if the bruising is anything to go by. They swab what Steve would bet are foreign fluids from both his stomach and genitals. Steve meets with two cops and a social worker from OmCare, hands the rape kit over and tells them his findings. “Let me know if you contact any family,” he says.

So far, it seems like this boy has no one.

They admit him under “Bucky”, using his designation and admittance number (ꭥ-47202) in lieu of his unknown last name. Since he’s stabilized and since his medical problems seem to mostly be between his legs, he’s moved up to Om-obgyn Inpatient and officially put under Steve’s care. Steve is able to snag his department head and beg her to pull him from all pediatrics cases. She agrees, but makes the call that Bucky should remain on the adult wing. So he’s still Steve’s patient.

In his current state, Steve can’t do anybody much good for much longer. He’s nearing nineteen hours on shift, and even with the aid of several espressos, he doesn’t have much steam left in his body. He knows he could go home, but his next shift is scheduled for eight hours from then, and he really wants to be there when the kid wakes up. So rather than go home, he grabs an empty bed and crashes.

When he wakes, he checks the time on his phone and inhales deeply. At least he got a good six hours. He heads to the nurse’s station and gives the charts for their hall a lookover, then goes to the room where they’ve put the male omega from the night before: Bucky.

His eyes are closed when Steve walks in. Steve tilts his head, taking in the boy's features. He looks better now, more stable, less pale. And he smells better, which gives Steve a hint that the antibiotics are already helping. The notes on Bucky’s chart from the overnight nurse have him nodding in vague approval as he reads. “Okay,” he says quietly to himself. “Good.” Not good good, but much better compared to the state he’d been in last night.

When Steve looks up again, the boy is watching him.

Steve smiles gently. “Hey there. You’re awake.” He walks over to the bedside. The boy struggles to push himself up and Steve halts him, showing him how to instead use the controls on the bed rail to come up to sitting. “Don’t want to overexert yourself,” he says kindly. He pulls up a chair to the bedside and sits on it. “I’m Steve,” he says. He’s long avoided using his last name with patients because they always wind up calling him “Doctor Rogers,” and Steve isn’t an MD and it just gets awkward after awhile. “You’re in the hospital. You were brought into the ER late last night. This is the omega ob-gyn ward you’re in now, and I’m going to be your attending.”

“Attending?” the boy says, voice craggy and dry. He winces and puts a hand to his throat.

“It means I’ll be looking after you,” Steve clarifies. He gets up and goes to fill a cup of water.

“I’m Bucky,” the boy says. “You’re a doctor?”

Steve returns to his bedside and hands the cup over. Bucky takes it. “Small sips,” Steve warns. “I’m a nurse practitioner. In New York we can do just about everything the docs do. But like I said, you can feel free to call me Steve.”

Bucky nods, no affect to him. He seems almost resigned, Steve thinks. He hasn’t asked about any loved ones and Steve hasn’t missed that either. “What happened?” he asks.

“Well I was hoping you could tell me that,” Steve says, purposefully keeping his demeanor non-confrontational. “You’re sick. You have some infections going on. And you were in very bad shape when they brought you into the ER. You had a seizure.”

Bucky’s eyes widen. “I did?”

“Mmhm.” Steve leans forward a little and asks, “What do you remember happening yesterday, Bucky?”

This is where the omega goes still and clams up. He refuses to give an account of anything, saying that he has no memory of the previous day. Steve is trained in how to interact with assault and trauma survivors, but he doesn’t make any headway with the boy. Bucky clearly believes that being open and honest with strangers will put either him, someone he loves, or someone with authority over him, in trouble.

Steve backs off, hands him a room service menu so he can order something cool for his throat, then goes to page Sam.

When Sam comes out after spending almost an hour with the kid, Steve straightens up from where he’s been loitering at the nurse’s station. “What’d he say?”

Sam blows air through his lips. “It’s a doozy.” He tips his head down the hallway. “Walk with me. I’ll tell you over my next espresso.”

Turns out, Bucky has been living in an isolated religious sect that doesn’t believe in, among other things, male omegas’ reproductive rights. More precisely, they pretty much just don’t believe that male omegas should exist, think that they’re an ‘abomination unto the Lord’, or something like that. Steve looks up the Wikipedia page on their group, and is neither pleased nor particularly shocked at what he learns.

Short of murder, they espouse beliefs and practices that do everything possible to stop male O's from existing. They try to prevent nature from taking its course on the limited number of male O's born in their group, forcing them to live instead as regular beta males via a combination of drugs, surgeries, and social pressure. They call themselves the Children-of-God’s-Kingdom.

Steve’s heard of them before, but he’s never had anyone like that come through his ward. “Oh man,” he says, when Sam rattles off the things Bucky's told him. “So, a cult. You’re telling me he’s in a cult.”

“He doesn’t even know who his real parents are,” Sam says gravely. “They live communally. All the wacko parents sign custody of their kids over to their grand poobah.”

Steve scowls, feeling outrage for what’s been done to this poor kid in the name of religion. “Well they managed to almost kill him,” he snaps quietly, mindful of where they’re standing. “And it's almost a guarantee that he’s been sexually assaulted. We ran a rape kit last night.”

Sam doesn’t look surprised, just mad and caffeinated. Steve asks him if he got an age out of the boy, and Sam tells him regretfully, “Eighteen.”

“Fuck.” Steve shakes his head. Omegas don't reach their majority until nineteen. “We’ve gotta report it to social services before somebody from the cult shows up trying to claim him. Trust me: one look at his charts and OmCare will take custody.”

Sam nods. “He also said there’s an IUD inside him and hormonal suppressants implanted.”

“Yeah we got the IUD out. I’ll get the implant out today. Which arm?”

“You’d have to ask him.”

Steve nods tersely, wondering if the poor kid got to have any say over the things his so called ‘family’ did to his body over the years. Likely not. As a physician who is very well educated on the considerable risks, Steve has always heavily discouraged his omega patients from trying to use drugs and devices to suppress their natural cycles. But, much like many other unhealthy choices, birth control and suppressants aren’t technically illegal for omegas over the age of twenty one.

But Bucky is only eighteen, just now entering the ripest years of an omega’s reproductive life. Steve grits his teeth when he thinks of what further damage might’ve been done to this poor kid, had he remained in that cult for any longer. “I’m gonna go check in with him,” he says, taking a step in the direction of Bucky’s room.

Sam stops him with a touch to his arm to let him know, “He seems honest enough, but he’s anxious not to get anybody from his group in trouble. He wouldn’t name names. And you can bet he’s gonna be all kinds of warped about his designation, being raised like that. Tread carefully.”

Steve nods, angry. No doubt the kid’s been told his whole life how he’s an affront to God, has ‘unholy urges’, or some horrible shit like that. “Guess he’ll be up your way before long, then,” he tells Sam, before walking off.

Steve knocks lightly on the doorjamb to make his presence known. “Hey there.”

“Hi.” The omega is sitting propped up in the bed with an extra blanket and pillow now. He’s got water and a half-finished Italian ice cup on the bedside table. Steve notes the almost completely untouched breakfast platter and nods. Kid must be nauseous. He’s looking sheepishly up at Steve as he approaches. “You sent a shrink in.”

Steve pulls the chair back in to sit close to the bed like he had before. “That’s nurse Wilson,” he says. “And yeah, he came to try and get you to feel safer about talking.” The kid—Bucky—nods while looking down at his lap, and Steve asks, “Did it help?”

Bucky shrugs. “He said I don’t have to talk about anything if I don’t want to.”

Steve’s heart clenches as he remembers the rape kit they’d done on him, the torn hymen and the swollen — “That’s right, Honey,” he says. “You don’t.” He puts his hand on the bed, not touching him, just the thin hospital blanket next to his legs. “But I’m hoping you’ll tell me certain things, so that we can get you healthy again.”

Bucky looks very uncomfortable, but to his credit he seems to push through it. “Look, um, Steve?”

Steve nods.

“I heard the nurses talking. About my family.”

Steve straightens up. “Your family?” He’s hopeful he’ll be able to get information about the kid’s abusers, but Bucky disappoints him by saying,

“The ‘Children’ I mean. They’re my family.” He chews his lip and looks down at his knees. “Look, I know … I know it’s not normal, the way we live. I know other people are different, live differently.” Quietly, almost so quiet that Steve doesn’t hear it, he says, “People in the outside world don’t say bad things about us.”

“Who’s ‘us’?” Steve prods gently.

“Omegas,” Bucky whispers. “Boy omegas, anyway.”

Steve hates to see the self-loathing on the kid’s face, hating himself just for how nature made him. “Bucky,” he says carefully. “I want you to know that most people believe that male omegas are perfectly natural and normal. Both female and male omegas are beautiful and important.”

Bucky’s cheeks darken. He’s clearly uncomfortable talking about it. “I know. I’ve run away a couple times, spent time around … around normal people. I've watched tv shows.”

“That’s good, Honey.”

"Yeah. I —" Abruptly, Bucky’s face pales and his eyes get wide. Steve tenses. Bucky leans over and snatches the breakfast tray off the bedside table and gets it in front of his face just in time to barf all over the room service order of scrambled eggs and toast. Steve winces and gets up to help him. When it seems like he’s done retching, Steve takes care of the mess and returns with a couple of the hospital’s barf bags. “Here. Just in case.”

“Thanks. Ugh.” Bucky grimaces. “God. I feel so awful.”

“I know, Sweetheart.” Steve sits forward in his chair. “That’s because you’re sick. I need to ask you some questions to figure out what we’re gonna do to treat you and get you all better, okay?”

“... Okay.”

He tries to smile encouragingly. “Alright. I know it’s hard to talk about, but it’s important you answer honestly so I can help you, okay?” Again, Bucky nods, and Steve asks, “When did you have your first heat?”

Bucky looks mortified—beyond the usual discomfort of a teenager not wanting to talk about their body, or sex. He’s ashamed of himself, Steve realizes. But he manages to answer with a quiet, “Eleven.”

Male omegas tend to go into heat earlier than their female counterparts, their bodies needing more time in estrus to fully mature. Steve nods encouragingly, trying to show Bucky through his open expression that nothing about this should be shameful. “Okay, and how many heats would you say you’ve been able to cycle through naturally without birth control or suppressants?” Steve does some quick mental math: 7 years x 12 months … That’d be close to 84 heats, assuming he's always been regular with his —

“Oh never! Or, I mean ...” Bucky makes a face and corrects himself. “Not since the first one, anyway.” He looks miserably down at the blanket covering his legs, like he’s remembering something awful. “Just that first time,” he repeats quietly.

It’s a terrible answer, and Steve forces himself not to visibly react. He doesn’t want to scare the kid. He notes the information on the chart. “Okay. I removed your IUD last night. Do you know which arm they put your suppressant implant in?”

Bucky nods, pointing to his left bicep.

“We’re gonna take that out today. I’ll give you a local injection to numb everything. It won’t hurt.”

He nods, looking wary of the prospect. “So then I’ll … I’ll get my heats and stuff?”

Steve hums sympathetically and tries to reassure him. “It’ll be fine. You’ll feel a lot better, I promise.” Bucky doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking resigned and dejected. Steve hates it. He imagines the years the poor kid has spent hearing The Children’s vitriol, hearing despicable horror stories about pathetic, desperate, disgusting male omegas in heat, how it’s something to be avoided at all costs. Steve frowns and moves on to the unpleasant part. “So, one thing we did last night that you probably don’t remember, is we collected swabs of fluids and tissue. For evidence, in case somebody had hurt you.” He waits until he can see that Bucky gets what he’s saying. The poor boy’s eyes widen and his lips part and he gets very tense. Steve reaches out to grasp his hand, then adds, “I think somebody did hurt you, and I’d like it if you could tell me so that I can make them pay for what they did.”

Bucky shakes his head, tears breaking from the corners of his eyes. “No. No, I don't want to talk about this.”

Steve’s heart breaks, but he has to press the issue at least a little bit. “Honey, the thing is, this is important for me to know. Medically, it’s important for me to know, because you know what happens when an omega is suppressed for years and years and years, and then alpha semen gets inside their body?”

Bucky flinches hard at those words, but Steve holds fast. He gives Bucky’s hand a reassuring squeeze, leaning further forward and holding it in both of his large hands, enveloping it. “What happens,” he explains, trying to be gentle in how he says it, “is that it can trigger your body to try really, really hard to go into heat. And when your body can’t do that, that’s when you can start to get into really dangerous complications. Like having seizures and going into shock. Your organs can even start shutting down.” He instantly sees the terror in Bucky’s features and he hates it, wishes so badly that he didn’t have to be so honest with him. But federal legislation requires it. "That's why you had a seizure last night. It's why you're so sick."

Bucky’s lips are parted, not knowing what to say. “But I … I never … I didn’t know that?” He looks scared as his eyes flick around the room, always returning to Steve like a beacon. Vulnerably, he stutters, “Is ... is that happening to me? Organ failure?”

Steve knows he can’t lie to him, so he takes a deep breath and says, “I did conduct an internal exam and an ultrasound on you, when you were sedated last night.” He can see the humiliation in Bucky’s features as he realizes what this means. Steve presses on, “Many of your reproductive organs are inflamed or infected, from trying to make your body do what it’s supposed to do, but can’t.”

“Because of the suppressants,” Bucky murmurs.

“Yeah, Honey. Because of the suppressants.” Steve wishes so badly that he didn’t have to inform him, “There’s ... a chance that you could be unable to have children. In the future.”

The omega keens high in his throat, a noise that he has no control over and which Steve’s nature also has no control over how it instinctively responds to it.

One of Steve’s hands leaves Bucky and flies up to his own neck, where the expired sup patch is still adhesed to his skin. He grits his teeth, thinking that he most definitely needs a new one.

Steve is salaried higher for his usefulness as an alpha on this ward, but then again, he’s not usually dealing with eighteen year old boys who have no clue what independent sexual decision making is. “It’s okay,” he soothes him, voice swooping low and smooth. He starts up a deep, dominant rumble in his chest to help calm the boy. “We don’t know anything for sure yet, okay? You were very swollen when I looked at you. Your body needs a chance to rest and heal before we can know what we’re looking at, long term.” Steve can smell the intense distress of the omega at the possibility of no longer being fertile. Even if it’s something Bucky’s never considered before, it’s the boy’s innate nature to become defensive if such a thing is threatened.

“Is this all because of —” Bucky cuts himself off, clearly struggling. He won’t even meet Steve’s eyes as he forces himself to ask, “Is this happening because I had sex?”

Steve goes very still, his advocate training kicking into gear. “Did you have sex?” he asks gently. "Or did someone hurt you? Because it's not sex if you're not a willing participant. Then it's assault." Given what he knows about the cult Bucky’s been in, he finds it extremely unlikely that the boy would have had willing intercourse with a penetrative partner. Male omegas in that situation would be groomed to believe that that part of themselves was shameful and to be repressed at all costs.

In the bed, Bucky is looking tinier by the second, drawing into himself. He shakes his head frantically. “N-no. No. I said no.”

Steve watches him sadly. “Okay, Honey. Okay. Did somebody force themself on you?” Bucky starts to make that high keening sound again, the sound of an omega in intense distress, and Steve hurriedly adds, “You don’t have to tell me who it was. You don’t, I promise. Okay? But if somebody hurt you, you should blame them, not have to call it sex or feel bad that —”

“Mmn, mmmm mnn.” Bucky is shaking his head fast, face red and pained and looking like he wants to disappear into the cracks of the earth. “No,” he breathes, “Nno. I said no. They did it. The ... those guys. They did it.”

Steve's heart sinks all over again. More than one. He's dealt with cases of gang rape, but never with a patient so young. And never with a virgin. Fuck.

Bucky's scared eyes flick back to Steve’s face. “Oh god. Is that why I’m sick?” He cringes as if it’s the worst, most humiliating thing in the world. “Because they got their … their stuff inside me?”

Steve nods reluctantly, so sorry to have to tell him so. “It’s not your fault, Baby. It’s got nothing to do with you or how you feel about them. It’s just biology. Your body responds to it. It wouldn’t even be that strong normally, but after being suppressed for so many years, it’s almost like an allergic reaction.” Steve winces. “Your body’s overcompensating.” He can see how the poor boy’s about to burst into tears, so he gets up from the chair and sits on the side of the hospital bed, pulling Bucky’s hand and his whole lower arm against himself. His chest is emitting a low grade alpha rumble, but it’s only on the periphery of his notice. “Bucky,” he tells him tenderly, waiting until the boy looks up at him. “Hey, I’m sure there are so many things you’ve not been allowed to know about your body and how it works.” Bucky blushes hard but Steve presses on imploringly, “Most importantly that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of with your designation. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s beautiful, and it’s yours.”

Bucky’s eyes spill over with more tears. “I wish I didn’t grow up there,” he whispers, and then he pitches himself forward at Steve’s body, crying, hanging onto the front of him and stuffing his face in his chest, against his lab coat and scrubs. “I hate them!” he gasps, voice choked with sadness. “I h-hate them!”

It takes everything in Steve to not say 'Me too'. Instead he just rubs the omega’s back and lets him cry against his body, telling him that everything is going to be alright now, everything is okay, he’s safe.

Because if Steve knows anything, it’s that he’ll kill to keep this kid away from the people who did this to him.

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[builtbybrokenbells]

belladonna | vii (pt. 2)

Too beautiful to resist, and too deadly to survive; the tragic tale of belladonna in all its glory.

masterlist | taglist

Pairing: Daniel Wagner x f!reader

Word Count: 17k

Warnings: Please heed the warnings very carefully and understand that the scenes and themes in this chapter can be extremely triggering and/or upsetting to some readers. This is a detailed and extensive list, but please inform me if I miss something, and it will be added immediately.

ALL OC—abusive/toxic romantic relationships, graphic scenes/potrayals of abusive relationships and domestic violence, choking/strangulation, mentions of SA/previous sexual trauma, roofies, non-consensual sex, coercion, mentions of grooming, verbal abuse, insults, name-calling, punching, spitting, mental illness/descriptions/behaviour of bipolar episodes, overdose, mentions of previous OD, descriptions of overdose (stimulants & narcotics), heavy descriptions of addictions/addicts/addict behavior, heavy mentions/descriptions of drug use (stimulants/narcotics), mentions of drug related bodily issues/trauma, heavy mentions of relapsing, trauma bonds, descriptions of toxic/abusive parents, death of family members, descriptions involving and describing child abuse and neglect, PTSD/CPTSD behaviors/reactions/explanations, dissociation, trauma, triggered trauma responses, near death experiences, suicidal ideation, mentions of death/dying, absent parents, death of a parent, parents with active addictions, missing persons, police stations/reports, mentions of criminal activity/criminal records, poverty, crying, mentions of blood/scenes with blood/bleeding, vomit, extreme emotional distress, mentions of cheating, mentions of AA/NA, NA meetings, fighting, yelling, drinking, flirting, mentions of hookups/sex, smoking, depression/anxiety, sorry if I miss any 🤍

As always, please feel free to reach out to me if you need an ear, and know that you are not alone in whatever troubles you are facing. I’ve also included a list of helplines and resources for anyone who may be in need of them. I love you all so dearly.

Emergency substance abuse hotline (US): 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

Canadian Mental Health and Addictions Phone Line: 1-833-553-6983

Virtual NA meetings and support (worldwide)

Canada’s complete comprehensive list of addiction helplines, inpatient/outpatient programs, and family support per province | UNITED STATES

Canada’s comprehensive list of domestic and family violence helplines and resources | UNITED STATES HOTLINE

Canada’s guide to mental health help and crisis intervention | UNITED STATES

If you are struggling with addiction or know someone who is, remember to inquire about Nalaxone kits at your nearest pharmacy, as many in Canada are active participants of the program. At participating locations and clinics, Nalaxone kits are free of charge and accessible without a prescription or healthcare card. It is a fantastic and life saving tool to have on hand while waiting for EMS. There is also free online courses for Nalaxone training to anyone who is interested.

Remember, no matter what is portrayed in fiction or media, the safest course of action for anyone suffering from an overdose (accidental or intentional) is to call 911.

If you are struggling with an abusive relationship or domestic violence, know and understand that you are not alone. You are heard, you are seen, and you are loved. We believe you, and we hear you.

Hi everyone. Just the same as the last, this chapter is incredibly personal to me, as is every emotion and scene within it. When I started writing belladonna, I knew I would be putting myself on display through my writing in a way i have never done with you before. As I sit and edit this chapter, I’ve learned that sometimes being on display and relating to others is the only way for me to heal and work through this.

This chapter is course, gritty, a bit gruesome, and fictional, as much as it is based on real life events that happen to many people behind closed doors. When opting to write about my struggles with addiction, I never wanted to come on here and sugarcoat a disease that is vile, cruel, gross and above all, deadly. Alongside this, mental health and domestic abuse is something I have personally survived through and still struggle coping with to date. I have been very lucky to be blessed with so many friends and supporters when I started posting on here, and your love has bled the courage into me. This particular story has been incredibly cathartic for me, even if writing it has been painful by times. It is my hope that by telling a story about my own struggle, that maybe somehow I can reach someone who has felt the same or been through something similar and help them. Love is the only way through, as is being honest and transparent, and I hope my honesty is conveyed and that my love for you all is so apparent in everything I do and post.

Please heed the warnings at read at your own discretion. Kindly send me a message if I have missed anything. Also, I implore you to send me a message if you need an ear. I love you all so very much. 🤍 be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes.

July 10th, 2022 - 3:46 AM

A rush of air filled your lungs, painful and tormenting as you snapped back to reality in an instant. Vincent’s hands were gone from your neck, but yours continued to claw at the same spot as if he was still holding you there. Your throat pained down to the very core as you wheezed in a second breath, finding it difficult to feel satisfied as you struggled through it. The screaming in the background, the insults and flood of obscenities were a muddled mess of noise. Everything was intense, sending your senses into overdrive and nearly making you fall to your knees.

For a brief moment, passing you by so quickly but so achingly strong, a wave of grief filled you. Grief for breathing, grief for surviving, grief for having to face whatever the fuck was to come next. You didn’t want to do it, but now you had no choice.

Just another wonderful gift Vincent always seemed to have for you.

A loud crash distracted you from the agony that stemmed from the basic, automatic bodily function, also throwing the misplaced emotion out the door with it. You knew you were grateful to be alive, even if it was hard to recognize in the moment. Your eyes cut to the source of the sound, noticing that Dylan was the one who pried Vincent off of you.

Of course it would be. He was always taking care of you, no matter if it was a nuisance or not, just because he wanted to. Dylan was the example, showing you true, selfless love every minute of every day.

When he freed you from Vincent’s grasp, he did not stop to celebrate the fact. Instead, he threw Vincent backwards with all of the force he could muster, sending him straight into one of the tables behind them. Landing atop a chair, the wooden legs collapsed under the weight, splintering and scraping him as he fell straight through it. As he scrambled to get up, fury radiating from him still as if he did not realize the extent of what he had done, you felt a pair of arms grabbing you from behind, not waiting a single second before they pulled you to safety.

Michigan.

Always there to save the day, even if he should have ran a long time ago.

He pushed you behind him, acting a barrier between you and the chaos without any second thought. Keeping you safe was his only priority, and after what he had just witnessed, he would stop at nothing to ensure it.

Before Vincent could get to his feet, Dylan grabbed the back of his shirt with both hands and pulled him up off the floor. He was seething, his face red and his jaw locked as he held back every word that was desperate to be heard. In respect of Daniel, for all he had already witnessed, he did not want to add to it. In respect of you, for all you had just been through, he did not want to make it any more traumatic. The scratches on Vincent’s arms looked painful, bleeding and raw, but nobody paid any mind to it, fearing the worst was yet to come as Dylan led him towards the kitchen without a word. Vincent was fighting, not willing to go so easily, but Dylan had a tight enough grip on him that his effort was worthless. You watched from behind Daniel, clinging to him like he was the very thing that gave you life, that would ensure that life would remain.

In the moment, it was the truth.

You could hear the back door being kicked open, then slammed shut almost immediately. The silence in the dining room hung heavy over the three of you, nobody knowing what to say or what to do. The sting of your skin was growing worse by the second, the ache in your bones quickly becoming the only thing you could think of, and the struggle to breathe was starting to scare you. The adrenaline had worn off completely and reality was beginning to set in.

“I-I gotta clean this u-up,” you stuttered out, looking at the broken chair lying in a pile of mop water. Your voice was raspy, raw and hoarse as you tried to divert the attention to something different. You couldn’t handle both sets of eyes on you, the sympathy and the fear. You felt a growing sense of shame, the need to hide or to disappear so nobody could ever see you again. They were perceiving you in a way that made your skin crawl, like you were weak and fragile, like you were going to crumble and fall in lieu of Vincent’s horrid behavior.

You cleared your throat, wincing slightly as the urge to cough only worsened. You raised your hand to your neck, shaky fingertips grazing over the most tender points. As you did so, you felt breathless all over again, lightheaded as you recalled the last seconds you thought you would ever live.

“No, Y/N, you have to go.” Katie said, rushing past you before you could get the chance, finally coming back to reality after the shock of the scene.

“N-no,” you argued, winded as another forceful cough took hold. You covered your mouth with your hand, feeling your head ache desperately as you tried to satiate the fit. When you calmed down, another wheezy breath pulled into your lungs, you noticed blood speckled on the back of your hand. “My… mess.” You uttered through gritted teeth, the tension in your jaw only making your head hurt more.

“No, baby. Go home.” She turned to look at you, her eyes still widened with fear.

Underneath her fear, something else was shining bright, something you’d never seen from her before.

Appreciation.

She spent so long angry at you for ‘stealing’ Vincent, but as she watched the night unfold, she understood all of the horrible things you had spared her from. Violence, misery, mistreatment and abuse. You took the brunt of the tragedy while she stayed jealous over someone she should have been avoiding at all costs.

Regret and remorse filled her as she understood you had inadvertently saved her life.

And by god, you did not like the woman standing before you, but you were grateful for it, too.

“I’ll clean this up—go home and get away from him, before the morning shift gets here.” She tried again, looking to the parking lot to ensure nobody had already arrived.

“She’s right, Utah. I’m taking you home.” Danny said, voicing his own opinion and leaving you with no other choice. “Now.” You looked up to meet his eyes, his expression stony and his eyes sad. The sight broke your heart, and only hurt more when you understood it was your fault.

You had never heard him sound so firm with you. You figured that this was your last chance to take it seriously before it was too late. You had put him through so much, made him a part of your fucked up world with no second thoughts, and even if he loved you, you knew it was not worth it.

“Okay,” you squeaked out, giving a subtle nod. Even the movement hurt, making you wonder if you looked as terrible as you felt. You were spiralling, your thoughts and your body, and you believed for a moment you might collapse and succumb to sleep right there on the floor. You had never felt this kind of exhaustion, never suffered through something so taxing. On top of the exhaustion, you felt ill. Genuinely, wholeheartedly sick, more so than ever before. You felt Daniel’s hand take your own, and before you knew it, he was guiding you out the front door.

As soon as you cleared the front steps of the diner, your hand went in search of the wooden railing. You barely noticed the sting of splinters in your palm as you leaned over the side of the steps, retching and sputtering as you lost every bit of control you still had left. Tears sprung to your eyes, dehumanizing you further as you realized just how pathetic you looked in the moment.

Your knuckles were white as you gripped at the railing, holding yourself steady as sobs tore straight through your chest, bleeding you dry as you put yourself on full display for Danny to see. You weren’t sure you had ever felt so weak, so unimportant, so hopeless. Whatever bit of humanity and self respect you had left, Vincent had stripped from you completely.

How could you have fallen in love with him, someone so vile and cruel, so utterly despicable and evil? How could someone who said they loved you treat you so badly? How could he say such things with such conviction, in front of everyone you loved?

What had you done to make him think so badly about you?

You thought you had done everything to prove how much you cared, loved him so completely that he never had a doubt. You tried your hardest to take care of him, to help him get better, and he still fucking hated you.

Maybe he could see something you could not.

Maybe he was right.

You had spent your whole life trying to prove to the world that you were good, that you were worthy and deserving of all of the things you never got, but maybe there was a reason why it never worked out. You had done so many bad things, walked the earth on borrowed time and still found yourself stuck in the same pit of despair, desperate for love and healing. After twenty-four years, you had to stop blaming the world and looking inward. Maybe Vincent was right, and you were the problem all along.

There was something so fundamentally wrong with you, down to the very core and including the wisps of battered soul that clung to you by a thread. You were rotten, from the very beginning and until your very last day on earth. Born from hate instead of love, cursed with the very illness that your parents succumbed to, and never changing even when you knew you were a part of the problem. You watched your father disappear, never to return and never got closure. Your mother, still nursing a bottle of liquor to put herself to sleep, hating herself just as much as you hated her. Vincent, Dylan, struggling to survive and turning to substance to make the world feel a bit better. Instead of avoiding the same path, being good like Patrick and Hunter, you were sucked straight in.

Worse yet, you chose it.

You were an amalgamation of your parents worst failures, a product of their mistakes and a living reminder of their misfortune. You were a roadblock, a nuisance and a danger to everyone around you. You wanted so badly to help, but your hands only ever knew destruction. A slave to the illness and to a system that you would never escape, not from a lack of knowledge, but because you were never meant to.

It all hurt, and you wished so badly to forget it, for it to be different. As tears pooled down your cheeks, blood lining your chapped lips as it trickled from your nose, you knew it would never be different. It could never be different. This is what life was supposed to be, and it was never your destiny to get better.

Daniel was never meant to be yours, and you were only hurting everyone further by remaining by his side, trying to twist a narrative that was already set in stone many moons ago.

It did not even matter what he thought of you now, because it could not change anything.

Your destiny was on the other side of the building, getting the shit kicked out of him by your best friend, likely not feeling a shred of remorse for what he had done to you.

Vincent was what you deserved, and all you would ever have. What you were doing with Danny was just torture, making yourself believe things could be better and that you could change it, teasing yourself with a better life when escape wasn’t an option.

You wished so badly that you would have realized it sooner before you broke everyone’s heart, but just like always, ruin was all you knew, all you had.

It was all your fucking fault, and you could not blame Vincent for opening your eyes. Far too long had you spent blind and ignorant to all you caused.

You had ruined everything, for once and for all, and nothing you could do would ever repair it.

You barely remembered getting to the car, only the burn of the heated seats through your clothes and the rush of warm air against your cheeks as you shivered in silence. Daniel did not even try to speak, barely acknowledging you until the car was in motion and the highway was passing you by. Your hands were folded atop each other, resting in your lap as they continued to shake with a ferocity you couldn’t comprehend. So many emotions were running rampant, so many regrets and plenty of fears. You had no idea what he was thinking, how much he heard, and you weren’t looking forward to finding out.

Then, without speaking a word, Daniel reached forward and pressed the button to turn on the stereo. His phone, already connected to the Bluetooth feature, was placed in your lap with Spotify open on the screen. Your gaze flickered downward and your heart warmed at the small action.

Maybe he did care after all.

Maybe he wasn’t scared yet.

Desperate to focus on something other than your searing muscles, you picked up the phone and searched for the only song you wanted to listen to: Ventura Highway.

Thinking back to that warm, sunny day in May, you wished so desperately to go back in time, just for a moment, just to experience that carefree joy with him and Sam one more time. Laying on the porch of his Airbnb, journal in hand while the two plucked at strings on guitars, you wondered if you would ever be as happy as you were then, if the two of you would ever be together like that again.

For the first time in your life, you yearned to go backwards instead of rushing forward.

As soon as the soft melody filled your ears, it seemed as though the floodgates opened. Tears poured down your cheeks, your vision blurred and your throat tight as you begged the universe to allow for it again, because something so good should be felt more than just once.

You wished to feel as free as the song sounded, to envision a life of peace instead of one of suffering, and one with him beside you. You didn’t want to live like this anymore, constantly on edge and fearful for your life. You wanted to atone for your sins, to truly change and become what you always hoped you would be, but you only wanted it with him.

Without him, it did not seem worth it.

He could see you crying, hyper aware of every choked breath and shallow sigh, wishing that he could take it all away and show you that life was better than that, than this.

Instead of telling you that, he drove straight past the side road for the Airbnb and turned the volume up a bit higher, his fingers drumming a beat against the leather steering wheel cover.

When the verse began, so softly, you could hear him singing along. You resisted the urge to turn the radio off entirely and listen only to his rendition of the song for the rest of your days.

You slipped your shoes off, pulling your feet up on the seat and wrapping your arms around your legs. With your knees against your chest, you leaned forward and rested your head against them, your head too heavy to hold upright any longer and your neck still aching. You stared out the window, listening to every word of the lyrics and still finding yourself stuck on that day on the porch.

You wondered if you knew this was where it ended, would you have done things differently?

Taken more precautions?

Talked to Daniel sooner?

You didn’t know, but what you did know was that it didn’t matter. Some part of you always understood that when the time came to tell him about everything, it would be disastrous. There was no avoiding it, no way of laying it down nicely nor gently, and no way of ignoring it. The truth was bound to come out, and you were inevitably a part of the miserable downfall. As much as you tried to avoid it, to keep it under wraps, he was always going to find out.

You couldn’t stop crying, feeling two whole years worth of suffering all flowing freely at once. You came to New York in search of something more, but as you sat in the passenger seat and listened to the same damn song on repeat, you realized you were still stuck in the same cycle, even if the environment was different. Daniel, sitting next to you, his fingers still anxiously drumming against the wheel, was the ticket out. The issue was not him, but you entirely. You weren’t strong enough to change. Instead, you wished for change while you did nothing to ensure it. Staying with Vincent for so long, letting it get to such a point, was on you. You allowed the treatment, and you made your own bed. You couldn’t be mad at his behavior, because it felt much like being upset at a baby for crying. You knew him well, and what you endured that night was unfortunate, yet perfectly in character for him.

Worse yet, for you.

This was not the first dispute the two of you found yourselves in, even if it was the most violent. What he did was horrible, and you were suffering the ill effects of it now, and would be for the foreseeable future. Still, you could not ignore the fact that you played a terrible, horrible part in it. If anything, you started it. He was villainized for his actions, but it did not feel right for you to be coddled when you committed the same crimes. You hit first, knowing exactly what would come of it, but you couldn’t stop yourself.

Upset at what he said, you couldn’t ignore the pressing nature of the truth.

You were no better, and you were still the woman from Utah, blaming your problems on the rest of the world when they started with you.

Haunting, but a reality you were constantly drowning in.

You were a terrible person, sober or not, and you had no idea how to stop being that person.

Like everything else, it felt hopeless.

After hearing what was said in the diner, did Daniel also think you were a horrible person, or did he believe the lies you told him to make yourself seem better?

Your chest felt like it was caving in, the weight of your realizations finally catching up and beginning to suffocate you. The scabs on your hand from the shards of glass reminded you of your own instability, your own hostility and rage that you could never control. You were living, walking proof of every failure. Each scar, every cut, and all the bruises were not incriminating for others, but for you, who walked through life as a hollow body and let the demons control you. Your brittle teeth and thin hair, the breaking nails and shaky hands, the bags under your eyes and the insufferable thoughts were a product of your own wrongdoing, and you would never leave them behind.

You were the same person you often thought you would never be again, sitting in a car with the type of person you always wanted to be, but never would.

As you peeked up through your tear-soaked lashes, catching a glimpse of your reflection in the tiny mirror, you thought you might fall apart and turn to dust. It was not you, a starving artist with an abundance of love and a desire for better. It was not the addict, using and abusing those who only ever tried to help. It wasn’t even the little girl, broken and battered as she clutched her only teddy bear to her chest, hiding from the biggest bully she would ever encounter. Instead, the eyes, broken vessels seeping crimson into the whites, were your mothers, the woman who haunted every dream and shot down every opportunity and possibility, who still ruled your life from two thousand miles away.

You were not her, but that night you held more likeness to her than ever before, and the thought alone made you fear the fact that you would never escape her curse, because every part of you was made from her. She was the blood in your veins, the beat of your heart, and the soul that was fading and flickering. It was that way because she made it so—she made you. You were not her, but you would not be you without her, and for that reason you would spend every waking minute despising yourself. Your likeness was irrefutable, and as much as you hated to admit it, inescapable. Wherever you were, you would carry her along with you, even if the only thing linking you was the DNA in which you shared.

You did not break from the thought as the car slowed, nor when it pulled into a twenty-four hour gas station, long past the door to the Airbnb, to home. You did not notice as Daniel parked and got out of the car, walking into the building with his head down and his weepy eyes concealed. You were so far away that when he returned, you did not turn your head to greet him, and your hands that found their way to your neck remained in place like stone, fingers settled over the bruises left behind by someone’s broken and soulless son.

Only when you made it to your second destination did anyone find the courage to speak, and it certainly was not you.

“You know, when I was a kid, the idea of love scared the shit out of me.” His voice was much calmer than you expected it to be, louder and clearer than you could manage in the moment, and served as a comfort you did not believe you deserved. “Used to lie awake at night for hours, staring at the glow in the dark stars my dad helped me put on the ceiling. The whole idea seemed so… intense. Picking one person to trust, to share everything with, no matter what. I could barely tie my own shoes, or clean my room, or do math. How the hell was I supposed to know when I found the right person, or how not to fuck it up?”

The topic, incredibly intriguing and not what you expected him to start with, turned your head and pulled you from the endless void of self-hatred you were lost in. When your gaze fell on the boy in the driver's seat, you noticed he was not looking at you. Instead, his eyes were pointed at the windshield, admiring the view outside. His curly hair was tickling his pink cheeks, his eyes tired and sad, but unwavering as he studied the intricacies of the view. His wrist was draped over the top of the steering wheel, his back flush against the seat and his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. Ventura Highway was still playing softly in the background as he conjured up his next thoughts. He didn’t seem defensive, angry, or anything even close to what you thought he should be feeling in the moment. Instead, he seemed comfortable, content that he was there with you, and happy that you were there with him.

“I don’t think I understood it as much back then,” he paused, the tip of his tongue tracing over his bottom lip as the words faded from the air. “‘Cause when you’re a kid, every mistake and every failure seems like the end of the world. Get a bad grade in math, and your entire week is ruined. Lose a game of basketball in gym class, and you’re gutted. Break a vase, and you know your parents are going to ground you… it all seemed so much bigger than it actually ever was.” He didn’t look to you, but you could tell he noticed your attention had shifted to him. You were listening, and that’s all that mattered. “I always thought that when I fell in love, if it didn’t work, that would be the end of everything, and it scared me.” He shrugged, like the memory of this terrifying notion barely phased him anymore.

“When I got my heart broken for the first time, it really did feel like the end of the world. I never thought I’d feel that way again, that I could love like that again, and I guess it kind of made me think that I was right all along. Took a long time for me to try again, and when I did, it ended the same way.” He let out a small chuckle as he finished, like the tale was funny instead of painful for him.

Why was he telling you this? What significance did it have to the current situation, to the relationship between the two of you? Talks of love made your head ache, because love had never been kind to you. After the events of the night, you were beginning to believe you would never truly be loved at all.

“—made me feel like I would never know what being loved is supposed to feel like.”

Oh.

Now it made a little more sense.

“I didn’t know how to love, or how to be loved, but I wanted it. I wanted to know it so bad. More than anything else, I think. Especially at the end of it.” He explained, his eyebrows furrowing together in the most devastating and beautiful way, noticeable even in the dim light pooling through the windows. You wondered if he was radiating his own light, so precious that his goodness was spilling over in the most obvious of ways, or if you loved him enough that you would notice every miniscule detail even in pitch blackness. Whichever it was, it hurt you more to know that after the night was over, you would likely never experience it again. “When I got to New York, it felt like everything changed.” You froze, all previous thoughts of unworthiness fleeing you for a moment.

Was he actually saying what you thought he was?

Could he really feel that way about you?

No, it wasn’t possible, and you refused to get your hopes up. It was too soon, and you had put him through too much. It was ridiculous of you to assume such a thing.

“I get it now, Utah.” He whispered, his voice so quiet that it could barely be heard even in the near complete silence, but you would always listen for him. Every sound, every word, every breath that left his lungs meant something to you. In fact, it meant everything, and he would never go unknown or unheard as long as you walked the same earth.

As much as you struggled to believe it was real, you understood it now, too.

You would go to the ends of the earth, suffer through disaster and despair, be whatever he wanted you to be, even if it hurt you, as long as it meant he was around.

“All of that other shit was nothing compared to what I know now.” You thought your heart may fall straight through your chest, showcasing in the most obvious ways that it beat solely for him. “So I need you to trust me when I tell you, whatever you need to say, I will listen, and I will stay. After everything that’s happened, you have to believe me when I tell you that I’m not going anywhere.”

Your lips pressed together tightly, like they were trying to lock up every dirty secret and horrid confession, your body telling you he was too perfect to bear the weight of your sins. When he turned his head to look at you, when the warmth of his brown eyes struck you straight in the soul, you knew he was telling the truth, that he would not leave and he would not break under the weight of your past. At least, not in the same ways you had broken under the weight of it.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything, Utah. What I feel for you… it’s not going to change. I don’t think… not even if I wanted it to. It’s here to stay.” For the first time since you met him, you could hear the broken heart sitting in his chest, beating with only half strength as it explained that he was not as perfect and pristine as you framed him to be. Hurt could touch him, and it did affect him, and by withholding the truth, you were making him feel ways you swore you never would.

You had to tell him—it was no longer about you, but about the man you had fallen completely and irrevocably in love with. He wanted to know you, and denying him of that hurt you just as much as it hurt him.

“It’s not pretty.” You croaked, the sound of your own voice off putting to you. His eyes flickered down to your neck, and for a single moment, he was back in that harrowing and terrifying moment, not knowing how it would end, not knowing if the two of you would ever be sitting together in his car ever again, not knowing if he would ever get the chance to tell you.

“I never expected it to be.”

And maybe that was the problem all along. You forcing words in his mouth, placing expectations upon yourself that he would never even think of, pinning him with notions that couldn’t be further from the truth. He didn’t expect anything, and you believed he expected everything.

“Before anything else, are you okay?”

You thought about it for a moment, deciding that honesty was the only thing that mattered anymore. Although you had never lied to him, you had been evading the truth since the very beginning, and you didn’t want to do that anymore. He deserved it all, and you wanted to be the one to give it to him.

“No,” You tried to shake your head, wincing at the dull ache ever-present in your muscles. “Not really.”

“In pain?” You let out a hum of agreement, seeing him reach between his legs to grab the bag of shit he had gotten from the corner store. Without another word, he reached in and grabbed a bottle of painkillers, placing them on the dash as he grabbed a can of Redbull for you. You swallowed back a lump in your throat as he placed a bag of sour candy next to the rest of the items. “I didn’t… I still don’t know what to do, but I wanted to do something, and I figured you wouldn’t let me take you to a doctor, since you’re so against medical intervention in any sense.”

At that, you couldn’t help but laugh. It was tiny, barely there, but still a laugh nonetheless. He was right, and in no way would you have ever agreed to go to the hospital, but he was okay with you not being okay with it. So okay that he was willing to tease you about it. He didn’t know anything about your world, but he loved you enough to learn, and he loved you enough to adapt and to make you comfortable.

“You didn’t have to do anything, Michigan. Nothing at all.” Your voice was still raspy, hoarse as you choked the words out, but it was easing up the more you did it.

“I know I didn’t have to.” He replied, a bit more curt than usual so you understood where his head was at. “I want to, Utah. I want to help you, to be there for you, to listen to you. I want to be here.”

Sometimes it felt like no matter how many times he said it, you would never truly get it. Even if it didn’t seem that way, you were trying as hard as you could, but the entire ordeal was foreign to you. Silence fell upon you once again, but not because you didn’t want to talk. You didn’t know where to begin, and it was overwhelming the longer you thought about it. You knew that you didn’t have the luxury to hold back anymore, especially after putting him through everything, but you couldn’t help it.

“It’s a lot, Danny. A lot that I don’t really talk about, but I’m trying my best—I will try my best, from here on out.” You corrected yourself, knowing that you had not been trying your best. Now, you made a pact with yourself to avoid hurting him any more than you already had.

“That’s all I’m asking.” He reached over, cautious as he took your hand in his own. He didn’t want to be too much for you in the moment, but it was killing him to sit by and do nothing. Thankfully, you were receptive to the touch, making him feel much better.

“The part that I always left out… that I said I couldn’t talk about… it was never because I didn’t want you to know.” You clarified, your bones as heavy as cement as you tried your best to phrase your thoughts. Your head was still spinning, but you had to talk about it, for him. “I always wanted you to know. I’ve always wanted you to know everything about me, but I was so fucking scared, Michigan. I still am, but I’m trying my best not to be.”

“Why are you so scared?” He asked, his voice still soft and sweet, trying to show you you had no need to feel such a way.

“It’s just… it’s hard. Falling for someone so… so fucking perfect, when I’m such a fucking mess.” You stressed, your hand raising to your hair. Your fingers combed through knots, the tug on your scalp distracting you from the surge of anxiety. “It’s hard telling anyone about it, but you? Danny, you’re… everything. Everything good in the world, all in one place. I don’t want it to scare you off, o-or make you see me differently, or whatever the fuck.” You huffed a breath, closing your eyes to rid yourself of the burgeoning sadness growing in the pit of your stomach.

“Utah,” he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, bringing you back to reality for a moment. You looked over at him, remembering all he said and all he had done for you. If you couldn’t trust him yet, you never would.

“You’re right.” You sucked in a sharp breath, giving a gentle nod. “I know… it’s just… fuck, Danny. This world… it’s not yours. You don’t have to understand it, and most people don’t. I couldn’t blame you if it did scare you, or you wanted to run. I get it, and that’s why it hurts.”

“Utah, it is my world.” He corrected, firm on his stance. “It’s my world because it’s yours.”

Why you had never thought of it that way, you weren’t sure, but he was right. He was invested in you, therefore making him a part of the awful things just as much as the good things. Even if this conversation had never happened, he still would have been a part of it solely because of the shit he had witnessed on behalf of his love for you.

“Okay.” You nodded, your gaze falling to his hand intertwined with yours. Off with the bandaid, the best way to do it, even if it was the most painful. Confess now, explain later. “I don’t think you’re stupid, Michigan. I know that you’ve caught on to things, my behavior, what other people have said. If anything, I’m the stupid one for not saying anything sooner. It’s why I was avoiding you all week… pretending like I didn’t get your messages and telling you I couldn’t go home with you. I wanted to reply, I wanted to go home with you, but I just couldn’t force myself to have this conversation. It’s killing me, and it has been all along.” So much for ripping the bandaid off. You had become awfully good at rambling as of late, and you could only blame it on your nervousness when in his company.

“It’s okay,” he assured you, his thumb tracing circles into the back of your hand. “We’re talking now. That’s what matters.” You gave another slight nod, taking a deep breath as you prepared yourself to say it out loud.

“I’m an addict.” You blurted out, your free hand raising to your mouth as your eyes widened in shock. It sounded wrong coming from your lips, so cold and distant as you told the man you loved about your biggest struggle to date. You felt your heart racing, aching as it grew tired of the stress it had been under all night. Slowly, still horrified, you turned to see his expression, to know for sure if it changed anything or not. When your eyes fell on him, he looked the exact same as he did moments before, love still shining in his sweet face and glimmering in his eyes.

“Okay.” He whispered, squeezing your hand ever so gently.

Okay?!

In your mind, that could mean a magnitude of things, and the simple response sent you spiraling further. What was he thinking? How did he feel?

“Okay?” You creaked out, shifting uncomfortably in your seat as you felt your skin begin to itch. The air in the car was unbelievably stuffy, making you feel like you were suffocating. The tightness in your chest and the breathless sensation threw you for a loop, reminding you of what it felt like when you truly couldn’t breath, when Vincent’s hands were around your neck preventing you from doing so.

“Okay, baby.” He said again, reassuring you. “Stop overthinking this. I’m listening, and I want you to tell me more. You are the same person I met at that diner, and the same girl that I fell for. I’m just listening, and I’m learning.”

Learning. Listening. He cared, and he wasn’t going to stop caring. You had to trust him, to believe him, and to stop letting fear get in the way. He was the same man you fell for, too kind and understanding for his own good, and he wanted to know these things. Okay just meant okay. You were safe with him.

“I… uh…” you paused, clearing your throat once again and wincing at the pain. “On my fifteenth birthday, things at home were horrible. We had moved in with Bruce—my mom’s boyfriend,” You added quickly, realizing you had never actually told Daniel his name. In fact, you couldn’t even recall the last time you spoke his name at all. “About a year before that, I’d say. I was drinking a lot, hanging out with a group of people who were doing the same. That weekend, nobody was around, and we weren’t really allowed to celebrate our birthdays, anyway. My mom and Bruce were out of state… some stupid fucking business meeting, which was really just dressing up and getting drunk. My friends were all busy, so I was desperate to have fun and fill the void, I guess.”

“They were fucking terrorizing Hunter and Patrick in the living room before they left. It was all I could think about, the horrible shit they said, and how Patrick and Hunter just… took it, to protect me, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it on my birthday. They always took the fall, whenever they could, and even if I lived a million lifetimes and dedicated each one to repaying them, or thanking them, it would never be enough.” You paused, remembering the sound of it as if it were just yesterday, the sound of your mothers voice so loud in your ears, and the sound of Hunter’s muffled sobs from his bedroom tearing your heart straight from your chest. No matter how long, no matter how far, it would never leave you. “I just wanted it to stop, to go away, for my brain to shut the hell up so I could finally have some peace and quiet.” You cried, the wave of emotion that washed over you overwhelmingly felt as you told the story. Never, since the very day it happened, had you ever explained it in so much detail. For years, nearly a full decade, it had been kept so secret that even you found the details fuzzy by times.

But he deserved it. He deserved the truth, the full extent of the matter. He deserved everything.

His hand in yours tightened, his silent show of love, his silent show of support.

He wasn’t mad, and he didn’t hate you.

“After they left, Hunter wouldn’t talk to me. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t want me to see him suffering. They were both so selfless like that…” you trailed off, remembering how truly and genuinely they loved you. You thought that you found that love in Dylan and Vincent, the kind that made them willing to do anything, including sacrificing themselves for you, but now you knew it was not the same. Dylan maybe loved you that way, but certainly not Vincent, and he never would.

Daniel, though, loved you beyond what anyone else had ever done in the past. He was one of a kind, just like Sam told you that first day you met him, and nobody else in the entire world could compare to him.

“But they were my best friends, my only real friends. Patrick left, and Hunter locked himself in his room, and everything was just so loud, and it wouldn’t fucking stop.” As if you were sitting on that bathroom counter again, you could hear the swarm of thoughts buzzing in your ears and behind your eyes. It was impossible to think, to ignore, to breathe. You dropped Danny’s hand, both of your own raising to your head as you tugged at your hair. Tears seeped through your closed eyelids, flooding your cheeks as you willed your brain to stop, to remember that you weren’t there anymore.

“Utah,” you could hear it, loud and clear, above all of the other thoughts, like it was the only thing that mattered.

You weren’t too much for him.

You were enough.

“Baby, come on.” You could feel the gentle graze of his fingertips against your cheeks as he turned your head towards him, begging you to look at him. “You're okay. You’re safe with me.” He whispered, slowly willing you to lower your hands from your head. “Whatever you need to say, however you need to say it, I’m here and I’m listening. You’re safe.”

Safe. Something you had never been before you met him, yet were slowly growing accustomed to in his presence. You never wanted to let it go, and even if you feared the feeling was fleeting, your fingers were clasped around it, desperate to keep it close.

“Sorry, I just… sometimes, when I think of it for too long, it feels like I’m right there, living it all over again.” You breathed, your chest heavy as you let your eyes scan your surroundings. In his car, not your mothers house, sober and pained, not high and empty. You were okay, and he was okay. For a brief second, you wondered if you would really be okay together, holding hands through the worst of it and celebrating the victory when the time came.

You couldn’t put that evil picture in your head. Not until he knew everything, at least. It wasn’t fair to you or him, and getting your hopes up would destroy you if he decided to leave at the end.

“Just look at me, okay? That way you remember where you are… who you’re with.” His hand on your knee gave a gentle squeeze, the softness of his actions sending a rush of relief through you. You managed a small nod, so minuscule it barely even hurt your damaged muscles, happy to know he could be your anchor even when you did not deserve it.

“So… I locked myself in the bathroom, knowing that the liquor cabinet was a no-go, and I looked through the medicine cabinet, knowing that my mother would have something in there that was worthwhile, something that would make everything quiet. I googled all of the names, what they would do for me, and I certainly found out. That night, I sold my fucking soul, so desperate to forget about how horrible my life was that I made it even worse.” You paused, your eyes flickering out the windshield as you noticed the peek of the sun in the sky. You always found it funny, knowing that even if you were falling apart, the world would continue turning with little regard for you at all. You were nothing, a spec, an insignificant mess in the grand scheme of things. The sun would rise, but it was up to you to try again. Right now, talking to Daniel, being honest with him in hopes for better, you were trying again in a brand new type of way.

“OxyContin.” You finally said it aloud, the word knocking the air from your lungs and making you sick to your stomach. Daniel stayed silent, his hand never moving from your leg as he listened. “I tried to convince myself that I was okay, that I would know when to quit before it was too late, but I was fucking wrong. The very minute it passed my lips, I was a changed woman, and in no way good. For a while, I would just pop one when mom and Bruce were too hard to handle, and I would sleep the worst of it off… or tune it out. I sedated myself every night and had myself convinced that it was okay, that it was normal.” You paused, feeling a stab in your heart as you recalled what it felt like to be so far gone the whole world was silent and still. Worst of all, even if you knew it was wrong, you missed it with a fervor.

“It didn’t take long for those to run out, and when they were gone, I was already in too deep. Weed wasn’t cutting it, and drinking only made me want it more. I knew nothing would compare to that feeling, so I went chasing it. Mixing pills from the cabinet, trying to replicate the feeling… drinking and smoking, or drinking and mixing pills. I was fucking insane, an addict from birth who finally had a taste of it. I hated being sober, because it made living at home that much harder to choke down. I made friends with some bad people, who were really only there to help me get a fix. I’d feel bad about using them if they hadn’t been doing the same thing to me.” You shrugged, wrapping your arms around your torso and hugging yourself tightly.

“We partied a lot, and I guess that really brought out a side of me that I never thought I had. There, I discovered Coke, which will always be my biggest enemy. Loved it so much I blew a hole straight through my nose.” You chuckled at yourself, sharing the only secret that was solely yours and sniffing on command from just the mere thought of it. “It was easy back then, to chalk it up to smaller things. I was bored, I was hurt, looking to pass the time until I could get the hell out of that house. I never seemed to see it as a problem, even if Hunter and Patrick could see straight through me.”

“They knew?” He asked, trying to keep his head straight with all of the information you were throwing at him.

“Oh, yeah.” You nodded. “From the very beginning, they knew something was wrong. I mean, how could they not? I know people hear a lot of shit about drugs and addicts, but even if you aren’t that far in it, it changes everything. Sometimes, feels like it changes you as a person entirely. Don't even recognize that girl when I look back on old pictures, and I’m sure they couldn’t recognize me then, even if my face didn’t change. I was dodgy, quiet most of the time but had a temper like nothing else… no control over my emotions. I was gone a lot, always sleeping or up all night, not eating… lots was wrong, and they were the only ones who truly saw it for what it was.” You drummed your fingertips against your bare arm, goosebumps prickling your skin as you took a deep breath. “Not much they could do, though. You can’t force an addict to get clean. Just doesn’t work that way.” You shrugged softly, ignoring the sting in your neck as you did so.

You knew this, so why the hell were you still trying so hard with Vincent?

Vincent.

Vincent.

Vin…

Why the fuck were you still thinking about him?

You couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was like a parasite, eating away at you and unwilling to stop until there was nothing left. He would be your end, but it would not be any fault of his. The blame would be yours, constantly letting him rule your life in such ways. You had let it get to such a point, and you were stuck suffering the consequences. The issue was, you did not know how to stop.

He was so intricately woven into every aspect of your life, embedded in the very fibers of your being and destined to exist within the frame forever. He was your life now, even if you constantly wished it were not true, forever wanted something better. Would you be stuck this way for eternity? Always committed to a man who would ruin you? Or was there better?

Was better even meant to be yours?

Looking over at Daniel, you knew it must be, because if it were not, he would not still be there.

“Utah?” He asked, breaking you free from your thoughts and shocking you back to reality.

“Hmm?” You hummed, your hand raising to the back of your neck. Your fingers gently massaged the muscle blanketing your spine, noticing the stabs of pain as pressure was applied. Your eyes screwed shut, your molars grinding together as a general sense of malaise took hold. “Sorry.” You mumbled, realizing he was waiting for you to continue.

“Don’t be… I just want to know you. I need to… after everything we’ve been through—“

“You do know me.” You assured him, cutting him short. “More than anyone else, now. I’m sorry I kept this from you, and I swear I’m trying my best to give it to you now, but it’s hard. If I could rewrite my story, I’d leave this out so nobody ever had to know about it again. I hate that version of me, and it kills me to think that anyone would still see me as that… monster. I just… I never wanted you to see me as a monster.”

“I’ve never,” he shook his head, firm as he made sure you understood. “And I will never. Utah, I think you see yourself as that, but I don’t. Not when I met you in the diner, and especially not after seeing everything I have. You are selfless, kind, caring, and loyal, even when you shouldn’t be. You would do anything for anyone, including sacrificing yourself for them. That version of you, whatever you think of her… does not reflect who’s sitting beside me now.” Your stomach sank as you listened to his sweet words, realizing you’ve yet again pinned him with ideas he would never think twice about.

“I feel like it every day.” You breathed, your shaky hands flat against your thighs as you tried to ground yourself. “All of the horrible things I’ve done, the people I hurt, I can’t forget it. I spent so long trying to make up for it, but I still worry that it’s not enough, that I’m still this evil person who only cares about herself.”

“Bad people don’t wonder if they’re bad people, Utah.” He whispered, placing his hand over yours to draw your attention back to him. “They don’t care.” He was right, but you were too damn stubborn to see it. It was easier to believe you were bad than to give yourself any credit, and it was easier to be miserable than to try and be happy, because it was all you had ever known. This, sitting next to someone who listened, who cared, was completely new and foreign to you, and it was so hard to believe it was real. “Take your time, tell me when you’re ready, but I need to know, Y/N.” He felt bad for pushing you after you went through something so horrible, but he was tired of being kept in the dark, unable to remain so helpless when it was clear you needed someone to help you.

“I know you do.” You agreed, giving him a sad little smile. You wished he would be mad, berate you for waiting so long and hiding so much because you felt like that was what you deserved, but he wasn’t like that. The only reason you felt it was so deserved was because that was how Vincent often treated you, and Daniel was nothing like him. He was trying to rebuild what another person had broken (or, what plenty of people had broken), and even you were working against him. It was time to let him in, to let him know, to love him how he loved you.

“At first, I was using ‘recreationally’, as some would call it. Mostly when we were partying, or on really bad nights. In hindsight, it was most of the time, but I didn’t care enough to call it a problem.” You paused, gulping down a large lump in your throat. You felt a panic rise in your chest, realizing you would have to tell him of the times you most often wanted to forget, the most painful and ugliest times in your life, but he deserved it. “A few months after school started, just after Christmas, m-my—“ you cut yourself off, feeling a searing pain in your chest threaten to burst through. You choked on air for a moment, your vision blurred with tears as you recalled one of the most painful days of your entire life.

Still, his hand remained on top of yours, supporting you without saying a word, listening without interrupting, and loving you even if you believed he should not be, because that’s just the kind of person he was.

“My grandfather died.” You breathed it out as if it were one word, as if it weren’t an earth shattering moment that changed your life entirely. Your throat ached, begging to cry out, to let the whole world know how you truly felt about the fact. Instead, you stayed silent, keeping it all to yourself just like always. “It was sudden, and it took us all by surprise… and my mother tried to keep me from going to the funeral.”

“What?” Even he, barely knowing a thing about your family other than your mother, knew that was the most evil thing she could have done.

“Yeah,” you scoffed a laugh, nodding ever so slightly. “She was mad at me for getting into shit at school, and I was grounded. Said I didn’t deserve to go. Only reason she didn’t stop Patrick and Hunter was because Patrick had his license. Once he passed the test, they couldn’t get him to stay home even if they paid him.” You mumbled, willing a frayed thread of your jeans around your index finger.

“You did go though, right?”

“Yeah,” you assured him. “Snuck out my bedroom window, ‘cause the cunt locked my door from the outside. I wrote her an apology letter and slipped it under her bedroom door the night before, begging her to let me go because she refused to speak to me… I did that a lot back then, especially when I was little, but it never worked. Patrick said he’d wait down the road if I climbed out the window, so I did. Broke my fucking ankle, but I still made it. Think she put me up on the second floor so I couldn’t sneak out, but it never worked.” You felt sick as you remembered the surplus of pain you suffered through that day, slipping an Oxy as they spoke eulogies of the man you loved more than anyone in the world, feeling the throb of your broken bone barely compare to the agony in your heart.

“I was high for the whole ceremony, a zombie at the reception… from there, it all went downhill, much worse than it was before. Once mom found out I had snuck out, she made sure to make my life a living hell, and to survive it… I stayed high… but before I could, I had to figure out how. I was a broke teenager with an expensive hobby, and no establishment would hire me in that state even if they were desperate. My mom was over my shoulder constantly, so I had to come up with a different solution.” You paused, checking to see if he was still following. When you met his eyes, you knew he was hanging on to every word. “There was this dealer… he was bad news in high school, and even worse when he flunked out. Did a couple stints in juvy, and a few months in jail when he turned eighteen. He liked… girls like me.” You put it lightly, grimacing at the thought. “Broken, stupid, naive… underage.” You mumbled, ensuring he understood what you meant.

“At first, he made a lot of promises, and he really wasn’t that bad. I had seen him around at a few of the parties, got a few rides home from him… he was nice enough, and he was interested in me. I’m not sure if that was the selling point, or if in the beginning I really was interested in him. The lines are all blurred now.” You huffed a sigh, leaning back into the heated seat to soothe the ache in your muscles. “Doesn’t matter much anyway… we both used each other, even if his crimes were worse than mine.” You turned your head to stare out the window, unsure if you could look him in the eye when you told him this part of the story.

“I don’t know if it was because I was a kid, or if the drugs really made me crazy, but I asked him to work out a deal… I didn’t have any ideas in mind, but he did.” You gave a dry chuckle, your stomach sick and your skin crawling as you remembered the suffocating smell of his cheap cologne, laced with liquor on his tongue and force in his touch. You felt frozen in your seat, fear gripping you like he was behind you, his breath on your neck and his body pressed against yours. You sucked in a sharp breath, squeezing your eyes shut as you turned your hand to lace your fingers through Danny’s, praying it would help bring you back to reality.

Safe.

You tried to remember what he told you, to believe it was true. When you were with him, your Michigan, nothing could touch you. You knew if you said the word, he would take you away from it all and make sure you felt safe forever.

“I don’t want this to change how you see me.” You mumbled, plagued with the same anxieties yet feeling them so much more. This situation, this memory, was your hardest story to tell, but you wanted him to know, to comfort you.

How beautiful it was to be loved by him, and finally after so long you were eager to receive it.

“Not possible.” He whispered, never once daring to move his hand from yours.

“He… uh, fuck.” Your voice cracked, raspy and raw still as you tried your hardest to tell him. “At first, he did me a few favors… called us friends and said he wouldn’t accept money from me anyway. I thought it was great, but I was so stupid.” You choked on a sob, feeling the panic begin to rise again. You tried to hold it back, to regain control, but for a brief second it felt impossible.

“You aren’t stupid, Utah.” He shook his head, his thumb tracing circles on the back of your hand. “Tell me what happened.”

“He picked me up one night… my ankle was all healed, so I could sneak out again. We went to his house, and I don’t remember much, but I remember enough.” You explained, nervous eyes darting to the trees outside. “I was so fucked up, probably more than I ever had been before, and he just kept giving me shit… filling my cup, or whatever he could, really. I should have been more careful, but I passed out on his couch… I woke up to him… doing things… to me.” You were firm as you spoke, telling him all he needed to know. Further detail was not needed, and he certainly wouldn’t be the one to push you.

“I was so out of it, even when I woke up I barely knew what was happening. Next thing I knew I was in Patrick’s backseat. Him and I, we never talked about it again. I don’t know if I called, or he did, or what, but I know Patrick knows what happened.” You swallowed hard, even more remorseful to admit the next part. “I dunno if I just forced myself to believe that nothing happened, or I made it up, but I just… carried on like normal. Kept going back for fixes, and he eventually stopped trying so hard to hide it. Made me feel like I owed him, that I had to… so I did. For a long time.” You paused, knowing you played a part in one of the memories that haunted you the most. “I think worse things happened a lot more than that night, but I can’t say for certain, yaknow? Just didn’t have my senses, most of the time. Outta my tree, blacked it all out… yeah.” You couldn’t look at him, too fearful to see disgust in his expression. “I blacked everything out after that. I don’t remember graduating, or anything in between. Maybe it’s for the best.”

“When I did graduate, I guess you could have called him my boyfriend. Wasn’t much of one, but it was the closest I ever came to a real one… until you.” Your eyes dropped again, studying his hand in yours for a moment longer to remind yourself who you were with and that you were safe. “I moved in with my brothers, in a shitty ol’ bachelor that they shared for dirt cheap. Slept on the couch, and we struggled, but we were happier than ever… just being together, without our mother always over our shoulder. Even if I was a junkie, they were just happy I was alive, that I made it out. I wanted to get sober, to be better, even if I was stuck in the worst of the addiction. I can remember sitting on that torn, beaten up fuckin’ couch, searching for rehabs with Hunter while Patrick tried to juggle community college and a full time job.”

“Patrick always did so much for us, and I guess I didn’t want to drag him into that, too. I thought if I could get sober, do it on my own, it would prove to him that I did appreciate everything he sacrificed to keep us all safe.” You explained, always gutted at the fact you couldn’t do it for him. “I went cold turkey, spent three days sweating it out on the bathroom floor, fucking delirious and angry at the whole world. We celebrated my birthday in that damn bathroom, and the cheap cake the two scraped up change for ended up in the toilet, but it was beautiful, you know? In its own, gruesome, fucked up way. The three of us, together, poor but together, doing everything we could to be better and do better.”

“But it always ends, right?” You hummed, lips dipping down into a frown as you reminisced. “My grandmother died that summer, which set me off on a whole new kind of rampage. She left us everything. The house, the inheritance, whatever she had was ours, but I never stuck around to see it.” You paused again, trying to keep your thoughts straight as you dumped everything on him. “I took off, spent a few nights with that same guy and ruined every bit of progress I made. I didn’t go to her funeral.” You said through gritted teeth, unable to believe you prioritized drugs over the most important woman in your whole life. You still hadn’t forgiven yourself for it, and you knew you never would. No matter if you stayed sober for the rest of your life, the horrible things you had done would haunt you for eternity.

“One night, I was at that guy's house, and we were fighting. Like, the kind of fighting that used to make us hide as kids. Found out I wasn’t the only fifteen year old he liked, so I tried to give him hell for it. Guess I found out I wasn’t a match for him, and he gave it back to me ten times worse.” You tried to shrug it off, but still felt the ache in your bones where he laid a violent hand, your skin still searing with the memory of his temper. “I left with a backpack, and for the first time I really understood that I was just like my mother. Didn’t break a cycle, didn’t try harder, never did better. I went to county, got cleaned up, and couch surfed for a year. Spent all of the money I got for graduation and ended up washed up on his doorstep a year later, begging for forgiveness because I felt like I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“I wasn’t ready to get sober, and I wasn’t going to face Patrick and Hunter in that state. I didn’t even look like myself, and to be honest, I wasn’t. That person, she is a stranger. Even though I haven’t been perfect, I was never that person again, and I thank fucking god for it every day.” You swiped away a few tears with your free hand. “Near the end of my stay with him, I had no idea how I was still alive, how I even made it to that point. I was death walking, wasting borrowed time on getting high and being a terrible person. Then one night, the world stopped.”

“What do you mean?” You continued staring out the window, barely hearing him as a steady roll of tears flooded your face.

Why were you still here to tell this story?

Why wasn’t that the end?

“Utah?” He asked again, begging to bring you back from wherever your mind took you. Still, you sat stoic, your misery bleeding you dry without remorse, making you wonder if you survived it solely to suffer the consequences. Death would be too easy, and this was your punishment. Recounting your horribleness to the most perfect, kind and loving man you had ever met. Even his gentleness was no match for your evil. You had made your bed, and it was time to lie in it.

“I did too much, I guess. I pushed my limit, took too many chances… was too confident in myself and overshot by miles, and other people took advantage of that. He took advantage of that, pawning me like property, like… fuck.” Your eyes squeezed shut again, the same crawling on your skin making you ill as it grew. “I don’t remember a whole lot, still to this day… I remember how loud the music was, being in a bedroom that I couldn’t even recognize, and the weight. The hands.” You squeaked, sickened from the vaguest of memories you still had. “And when I started to OD, knocking on death's door, they still only cared about themselves. They dropped me off at the entrance of the emergency room, dumped me on the ground and left. They didn’t even tell anyone, or wait to see if someone would help. They didn’t care.”

“A nurse found me, called the code… they found six substances on my tox screen, two that I didn’t remember taking then, or ever before. How they saved me… I don’t know. It was a fucking miracle.” You were quiet as a mouse, unsure if you could keep talking yet knowing you had no other choice. “They called my mom, ‘cause she was still my emergency contact. All she did was laugh in their face and rub salt in the wound. She didn’t care, and she never did. Even she thought I should have died there, and for a real long fuckin’ time, so did I.”

The silence that hung between you was suffocating. Still, it wasn’t as painful as the ache in your chest, nor was it even close to the pain of telling him the truth.

“Hunter and Patrick found out… used their inheritance to draft a check for the best rehab in town. Spent six months coloring and suffering through group therapy, wondering why the hell they still cared after all I had put them through, angry yet knowing exactly why they never came to visit.” You cried silently, giving up on wiping your face clean as you understood it would never stay that way. “When I got out, I knew I couldn’t stay there. If I had any shot at getting better and staying that way, I had to leave. Nothing good ever came out of that fuckin’ place, and I should have left sooner. Figured I’d book it to New York, concrete jungle… chase my dreams and start over. Then I met fucking Vincent.” You spat his name with so much venom it caused Daniel to recoil ever so slightly.

“Trickin’ me into bed, hiding things and keeping secrets ‘till I was on his fucking hook, knowing exactly what would happen but doing it anyway ‘cause he only ever fuckin’ cared about himself.” You were vibrating with rage now, unable to swallow back the surplus of emotion filling your heart and overshadowing the sadness. “I fell for it, so I’m no better, but god does it make me mad. I feel like an idiot, always the one ending up like this when he walks away fine.”

“I didn’t stay straight when I came here, even if I wanted to. I fucked up a lot… few nights at the Pony could ruin anyone’s life. It’s always the same old fuckin’ story. Slip up, go down the drain, suffer it out in the detox box, and come back to the same old shithole to start over again. Watch Vincent OD, backslide. Get him sober, get myself sober, go to work in the morning like nothing happened. I feel like a fucking babysitter, always responsible for a grown man who acts like a fucking toddler. I wasted so much time loving him, so much time helping him, just for him to throw it in my face every goddamn time. He’s the only other person in the world who knows all of this shit… then he throws it in my face, for everyone to hear.” You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down before you got too deep into the anger.

“For a long time, it felt like love… the want to help someone because you care for them. Now, it just feels like an obligation, like he’ll die if I look away. Him and Dylan and I… we did everything together before you showed up, and you know… it was family. Always family, even when I hated them. If you’ve got no one to lean on in a world like this, you’re a dead man walking. We go to NA meetings together, work together, and spend our free time together. They took care of me, and I took care of them. Dylan never took it for granted, and he was always my biggest fan and my best friend… but Vincent always found a way to make it my fault, to make me feel responsible for everything.”

“I’d get him on a good week, and he was the best guy in the whole world. So loving and supportive and caring, like he wanted to be that way all of the time. He never apologized, but he tried to make up for it by just being there. ‘Till something happened, or he had a bad day, or I looked at him the wrong way, then I was the bad guy. Could never call him out on it, because he’d just call me crazy. Never had an idea about accountability, and never knew how to love someone. He’s got so many problems I’m surprised he even has the capacity to love at all.” You were venting now, rather than telling, but Daniel still sat and listened to every word, never once wanting to be anywhere else. “But when he did love me, it never felt like he truly loved me. Was always to get something from me, or make up for something shitty he said or did… I’m just the fucking idiot who fell for it. I spent my whole life desperate to be loved, so I settled for that, because the few days of good were worth it.”

“When I tried to pull back, he’d find a way to pull me back in, or he’d just be fucking miserable about it… trying to pit Dylan against me, too. When you asked, all those months ago, if he changed today would it make up for everything he’s done… Danny, nothing could ever make up for the shit he’s done. At the same time… I feel just as fucking responsible for where I am right now.”

“Why do you feel responsible?”

“Lots of reasons… for hanging on, for still caring, not knowing how to let go. He wants me stuck in the cycle and I feed into it. I fight back, I hit first even knowing what’s going to happen. He just… it makes me feel so crazy I can’t stop myself from fighting. He knows how much this stuff bothers me, and he said all of those horrible things in front of everyone tonight, and it wasn’t just to air out my dirty laundry. He said it because you were there, because he wanted you to think those things about me too, so I’d be stuck with him when you ran. He can’t have me now, so his grand idea is to get everyone to leave me so he’s the only thing I have left.”

“Utah, you know that I’m not running, right?” He asked, his voice just as quiet. “When he said all of that stuff, not for a second did I think he was right.” You finally turned to look at him again, every ounce of pain apparent in your eyes and telling of all of your misery.

“But he is.” You choked out, horrified at the thought but knowing Daniel still deserved the truth. “I’m a washed up fucking junkie, trying to fix everyone else while I drown under my own shit. I pushed everyone away, made everyone’s life hell, even when all they did was love me. I’m no saint, and I’m not even good. He was right, and so was my fucking mother. I’m everything that I never wanted to be, and I don’t know how to stop.” You said through gritted teeth, trying to contain some of the emotion begging to break free. “I can’t write a fucking book, I can’t love someone without violence, I can’t stop fucking up and hurting people… I can’t even stay sober, for Christ’s sake.”

“Y/N,” he nearly laughed, appalled that you could say such things about yourself. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Brazen with his response and unwilling to back down, he made it a point to challenge everything you once believed about yourself. “What you went through… for you to still be… Jesus, Utah. The fact that you’re sitting here talking to me right now amazes me. After tonight alone, I can’t believe you could say those things about yourself.” With wide, bloodstained eyes you watched as he took his turn to talk, not expecting that sort of response at all. “You are the strongest, most resilient, admirable person I have ever met.”

“Danny, please don’t—“

“No.” He cut you off, ignoring your pleas for him to be passive. “I’ve been quiet for too long. I’m done hiding how I feel, Utah. You can call us whatever you want, pick whatever label you like, if any, but it doesn’t change anything about us. I’m not going to bite my tongue and hold back what I think because you think you don’t deserve it.”

“Stop.” You pleaded, pulling your knees to your chest in some inadvertent and humiliating way to protect your heart. “If you say it, it changes everything.”

“No it doesn’t, Y/N.” He argued. “It doesn’t change anything, especially if we’ve been feeling this way the whole time.”

“Danny, stop for a second and think—“

“I’m thinking! I think about it every minute of every day, Utah. Thinking about how fucking amazing you are, how perfect you are for me. I don’t think you’re broken, and I don’t think you’re bad. I think you’re a girl that’s been through hell and back, that’s too fucking stubborn for her own good, who won’t let herself believe that someone could actually feel this way about her. You’re not a nuisance, you’re certainly not bad for me, and you are the very thing I’ve been waiting for. I don’t know if you feel the same about me, but I sit up every night and I pray that you do—“

“God, stop it!” You exploded, the scratch of your throat agonizing as you cried out. Panic was pulsing in your fingertips, crazing you like a trapped animal facing a predator. “Can’t you fucking see that I ruin everything? That I hurt everyone I touch? That I’m a fucking mess, and you deserve so much more?”

“What is it, Y/N?” He asked, responding much calmer than you could at the moment.

“What is what?” Exasperated and exhausted, you needed him to be direct.

“Tell me why you don’t want me to say it.”

“I can’t hear it and I can’t say it because I can’t handle it if you decide to stop.” You finally confessed the biggest thing you had kept secret from him. “I feel it, Danny. I feel it everywhere, in everything, all of the time. I can’t stop feeling it, no matter if you’re around or not, but I’m so fucking scared of it. You just listened to my miserable life story, and you’re still here, wanting to say it just as bad as I do. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone like you could feel that way about someone like me. I can’t wrap my head around the fact you want to stay, because I have no idea why.”

“Then let me tell you.” He pleaded, his soft brown eyes speaking straight to your soul. The profound emotion in his gaze nearly stopped your heart.

If you ever wanted to overcome these struggles, you had to let him help you. You had to listen, to learn, and above all, you had to believe him.

“Okay.” You whispered, keeping your defensive stance but opening your mind just enough to consider his perspective. He seemed hesitant, nervous that you might go back on your word, but your eyes showed that you wanted to know, that you wanted to understand why the hell he thought so highly of you.

“Do you believe in fate, Utah?” He started slow, his eyes never leaving your face.

“Not particularly, but I’m starting to see why people do.” Looking at him, still caring and still present after everything, you could not refute such a notion. Something of a higher power ensured the two of you would cross paths, and you could no longer ignore the universe pointing you in the right direction. He walked into your life for a reason, and it was none that you previously believed. Maybe, just maybe, he was an apology for all of the horrendous things you had experienced in the past, the very thing that would make you believe that better was possible.

“I swear to god, Utah, whatever it was that pulled me towards that dinner was irrefutable. I didn’t want to be anywhere else—I couldn’t be anywhere else. Sam thought I was fucking crazy for being so adamant about eating there, but it all made sense as soon as I saw you. I had been looking for… for this, for my whole life. I told you on your birthday that I came to New York for a reason, and I know for certain that reason was you. You turned my whole fucking world upside down, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He brushed a lock of hair away from your face, the gentleness of his fingers sending a shiver down your spine. Never, in your entire life, had anyone loved you gently.

“You are the most stubborn, self-assured, independent woman I have ever met. You don’t lean on anyone, and you never ask for help, but I want you to trust that even if you never ask, I always know. I want to be the one who knows, who’s there when you need help, even if you never admit it. I never had any intentions of leaving you behind, Utah, because it would be the stupidest thing I have ever done. Letting someone like you go… is not even an option.” His hand still lingered on your cheek, so light and soft that when you closed your eyes, you could almost forget it was there.

“I’ve never met anyone so real… so unafraid and so resilient. You’re smarter than anyone I know, you’re witty and always have something to say, to challenge. I’m attracted to you Utah, I know you know that, but I am amazed by you more than anything else. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, but you are the type of person everyone wants to fall in love with. After being burned, after all of the hurt, all you want to do is love and help people. You advocate for issues everyone is scared to talk about, you never back down from a fight, even if it’s better for you, and you do it all without any benefit to yourself. You are so brave and so strong, and you do all of it while still smiling, even if you don’t want to be.”

“After everything Vincent has put you through, you still went to the Pony and you stayed by his side, and I don’t think you’re stupid for it. Utah, that was the most selfless thing anyone could do, and knowing how difficult it would be for you, you did it anyway. What happened when you were a kid, what happened when you were struggling, and what just happened tonight is not your fault. Baby, it was never you that was unlovable. In my opinion, I don’t think you could ever be unlovable. The people that came before me never deserved you. I don’t know the ones from Utah, but I know Vincent, and I know he’s never been worth your time.” You could tell he was holding back on that subject, unsure of how much he should say in case he crossed a boundary he couldn’t come back from.

“It’s okay.” You whispered. “You can tell me how you feel.”

“I feel… that he’s an egotistical, arrogant, selfish fucking idiot. I feel that if he lays a hand on you again, we will not be sitting here talking about it. I feel that he made you feel like you deserve nothing when you deserve everything. I feel that he didn’t deserve you and he never will, that he should get the worst that life has to offer, and that he deserves to watch me love you the way you deserve, the way I do love you.” He paused, getting angrier the longer he spoke. He was trying to remain calm, to voice his feelings in a way that would not make you fear his emotions like you feared Vincent’s, but you knew in every context, he could never be Vincent. “I love you, Utah, and I don’t fucking care if you want to hear it or not. I love you for all that you are, every version of you—past and present, and hopefully future. I want to spend everyday with you, doing literally anything. When you’re beside me, the world feels right. That feeling isn’t going to go away, and I don’t ever want it to. I love you, Utah, and more than I’ve ever loved anyone else.”

“Michigan,” you breathed out, suffocating a sob as it tried to pass your lips.

“Utah, if you said the word, I’d take you to Nashville right now. I’d take you away from all of this, give you a life where you don’t have to wonder if you’re loved, one where hurting isn’t normal. That’s all you’ll ever know if you give me the chance, and I can promise you that. Baby, even if we had nothing, no money, no place to stay, I would feel like the richest man in the world as long as I had you.”

“Danny, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into.” You whispered, your hand back in his and suddenly the ache in your chest seemed less severe. “I am not that perfect person, and even if I’m doing better now, I might not always be doing this well. I fuck up, and I make the wrong choices, and sometimes it feels like drugs are the only thing that will ever matter to me. I love that you love me so completely, so selflessly, and I’ve been begging for someone like you my entire life, but I still have a lot of work to do to be better. I still go to NA meetings regularly… and I lied to you. I lied to you about all of this because I was too scared to tell the truth.” You paused, gulping down a large breath.

“That first day we ever hung out… I didn’t have a fucking doctors appointment, Danny. I haven’t been to a doctor in years, because I can’t fucking afford it. I was at the NA hall because I woke up and knew that if I didn’t go, I’d be right back at square one. I wanted to use so bad I completely forgot we had plans.” You huffed out a sigh, appalled at your behavior and remorseful that you dragged him into such a mess. “I fucked myself up forever, mentally and physically. I destroyed and betrayed myself for nothing, and I know I’d do it again without a second thought. I’m not the girl of your dreams—fuck, I don’t even think I can have kids, Danny. I can’t give you the life you deserve, even if so badly I wish I could. I can’t promise to be good forever, and I don’t want you to suffer through it.”

“Utah, I want to be here. I want to suffer through everything with you, and you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I’m going to celebrate with you, too… and be bored, and mad, and sad and all of the things, because it’s worth it to me.” He explained, his lips pressed tightly together as he formulated his next sentence. “I knew, Utah. From the very beginning. The key tags, the tokens on your bedside, the involvement in all of the political issues, the evasiveness, the hurt and betrayal you felt because of Vincent’s addiction, the bathroom at the Pony. I knew what I was getting into, Y/N. I wasn’t going in blind.”

Of course he knew.

He wasn’t stupid, and you were a terrible liar.

The disappearing at the same time through the week, the emblem embossed on the surface of the leather key tags, the tokens sitting right by your bedside so you can look to them first thing in the morning, the sour candy, the three drink limit you gave yourself every time you went for dinner, the Oxy in the bathroom, the pictures and the journals. He knew, but he wanted to hear it from you before he said anything. He loved you enough to be patient, to be understanding and willing to learn. He didn’t think you were a bad person, and he wasn’t afraid.

So why were you still so afraid?

The burns from the past were fresh, but the longer you spent beside him the less they seemed to ache.

“I want to be there when you publish your book. I want to be the person you lean on when you get tired. I want to protect you, to keep you safe. I want it all, Utah. I really, truly do. You mean so much to me, and I don’t care about those things. Kids with someone else… wouldn’t even feel right, because it means I would have to give you up. You are so much more than you think you are and I am willing to go through every up and down with you because I love you.” He continued, his thumb drifting over the back of your hand as a physical reminder of the truth.”

He believed in you, he trusted you, and he loved you.

How beautiful it is to be loved at all, but especially so when it was by him.

“God, Danny,” you sniffled, swiping the puddles from your under eyes. Your chest was tight, your bones aching and your skin burning. “I just… I’m scared. I’ve never been loved like this—it’s never felt like this before.” He gave a hum, agreeing with you, knowing exactly why. You turned to face him, finding yourself lost in the sea of brown once again. The soft twinkle of his irises under the lowlight felt like a spell casted over you.

It didn’t matter how afraid you were, because it would never overshadow how you felt about him.

You promised him the truth, and if you continued to swallow it down, you would lose him indefinitely.

You had to tell him. You had to trust him.

“I love you, Michigan.” You whispered. “I love you so much, and I never planned for this, but I’m so happy it happened. I’m sorry for keeping you in the dark, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want you to be that person for me, and I want to be that person for you.” You confessed, feeling more tears fall to replace the ones you wiped away. “Everyone that came before… I thought that I loved them, but I don’t think I did. Never, ever has it felt like this.”

“Come here.” He said, unbuckling your seatbelt with haste. With his help, you climbed over the center console and made yourself comfortable in his lap. You extended your legs to the passenger seat, resting your head on his shoulder as he held you close to him. You could feel the thud of his heart against his chest, slow and steady as the heat of his body soothed your tired soul. “I want to figure it out with you, Utah. Just let me do it.”

“Okay.” You whispered, giving a gentle nod. His hands on your body felt so soft, so inviting and nothing like the violent ones that were around your neck just hours before. He held you with every ounce of love and affection he had in his body, cradling you with respect as he silently showed you how much you meant to him. “I want to do that, too.”

All of a sudden, Ventura Highway floating through the speakers was no longer an evocative ode to the version of you that you would never be again; instead, it carried you through the softest and tenderest moment of your entire life, serving as an anthem for the freedom you found within his company. The world felt right sitting in his arms, like no hurt could touch you and made all the pain that came before obsolete. You knew, without a doubt, this was where you wanted to spend your days. Being held by him, being loved by him. It would never be like the conditional and violent love that came before, the possessiveness or the toxicity.

It was just love, the way that it was intended to be felt.

“Can I call you my girlfriend, or is that too much?” He asked, his tone light and soft, joking as he tried to lessen the tension in the air.

“No, I think that’s okay.” You confirmed, twisting a stray curl around your index finger. “I would like it a lot, actually.”

“Me, too.” He hummed an agreement. “If we’re going to do this, I do have a few rules though.” He added, unwilling to back down. You gave a muted hum, too exhausted to speak any further. “I don’t want you to hide anything from me anymore. You don’t have to. I always want to listen and I always want to help. You’re not alone anymore.”

“Okay.” You thought that one was easy enough, something you should have done from the very beginning and would do everything in your power to follow through with from here on out.

“I want you to keep telling me stories, to help me understand better. You’re right—we are different, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it. I want you to help me understand, so I can help you.”

“Okay.” You repeated, still intently focused on the lock of hair wrapped around your finger.

“No more Vincent.”

The silence came back, this time heavier and stronger than the last.

Although the thought of cutting Vincent off entirely hurt to think about, you would no longer pick Vincent over Daniel. You never should have done it in the first place. Tonight was the morbid end to an even darker era, and even if agreeing to the fact hurt, it was for the best.

“Okay.” You agreed.

“I just… it’s not healthy. I’m not jealous, Utah. I know you want to be with me… but being around him, letting him in… it’s not safe, and I will not let that happen again.” You both knew what he meant, and you both knew he was right. “I know you work with him so it might be hard, but after what I saw, I know that Dylan has your back.”

“He does.”

“I’m glad you have him, Y/N.”

“Me too.” You agreed. Dylan, undoubtedly, was the best thing that had happened to you until Daniel walked into your life. You were forever grateful for his friendship, even if the circumstances in which he showed you his loyalty were unfortunate. “Is that it?” You asked, unsure if earning his love could be so simple.

“One more.” He replied, his large hands resting just under the hem of your shirt, the skin-to-skin serving as a bigger comfort than anything else. “Well, two.”

“Okay.” You managed a small chuckle, unable to refute his charm even if you felt like the world was ending.

“I want you to get checked out at the hospital. I wanted to take you before, but I knew you wouldn’t let me.” At that, you grimaced, knowing you couldn’t foot the bill even if it was just for a simple check up. “Please, Utah?”

“Yeah, alright.” You cleared your throat, figuring that it would just add up on top of the old ones. Hopefully someday you would be able to tackle them. “Last one?”

“I want to come to an NA meeting with you.” He said. “I don’t know about this stuff, Utah, but I want to learn. I want to be there for you, to support you and to love you.” He explained further. “If you want that, of course. I want you to be comfortable.” You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth, mulling over the idea in your mind for a moment. It wouldn’t be hard to bring him, and certainly no worse than the things you had told him already. In fact, it might be nice to have someone with you, someone who cared. It would help him learn how to help you, and from what you could see, that’s all he wanted to do.

To be loved is to be seen.

To be loved is to be heard.

To be loved is to be known.

To be loved is to be changed.

He saw you, he heard you, he knew you.

It was time for you to allow yourself to be changed, and to do it with him by your side seemed to be the most pleasant way to do it.

“Yeah,” you even managed a small smile. “I think that would be alright, Michigan.”

“Okay.” He hummed, resting his head against yours ever so gently.

“So, that’s it?” You asked, your hand lowering to his bicep as he pulled you closer. “Does this change anything?” You couldn’t help but inquire, unsure what the next steps would be.

“No, Utah… I really don’t think it does.” He placed a kiss on your forehead, a small smile on his lips as he did so.

In all truthfulness, you really didn’t feel like it changed anything either. The only thing you had ever done since meeting him was love him. The only thing he had ever done since meeting you was love you. The only thing that changed was your willingness to let him, and your willingness to say it aloud.

After an entire lifetime of begging for it, the cycle was finally deconstructed, one small anecdote at a time. You could only hope that you were strong enough to follow through with it, that you really were the person he thought you were. Now that you had a taste of what it was like to be truly loved, you could never imagine returning to a life of being unloved ever again.

TAGLIST: @imleavingyoufornewyork @itsafullmoon @bladenotblaze @jessicafg03 @peaceloveunitygvf @torniturntomyarrow @lostoverseer @clairesjointshurt @jordie-gvf @lallisonl @smoking-jakelane @gretavangirlie @hollyco @aintthatapity @dont-go-home-without-me @dyslexicchild13 @dannys-dream @josh-iamyour-mama

[nice2meetyouu]

Random thoughts on a Sunday:

Gusto kong i-try 'yung NAWA Wellness sa Calatagan. May promo kasi 'yung eastwest, 20% off, not sure if applicable 'yun sa retreat. May mental wellness thing for women sila next month. Ang gastos ko na talaga these days.

Nagpakonsulta ako kahapon sa ENT. Tumawag ako sa hotline 2pm, pwede naman daw walk-in, first come, first served. Surprise, pang-14 ako pagdating doon noong 4pm. Ang schedule ay 4-6pm, pero 7:30pm na ako natignan. Siguro next time, may dala na lang din akong pending work or aaralin. Hindi ko kasi matantya kung tatawagin na ba ako or hindi pa. I mean, around 6pm, sabi, pang-6 pa lang 'yung tinatawag.

Bumalik ako kanina para magpakuha ng dugo. May mga hindi nasama sa listahan ng itinawag sa hmo na nasa request naman. Inayos naman nila no'ng sinabi ko, kaso +30 minutes waiting time or more nanaman kasi itatawag pa, paperwork pa ulit, and so on. Dati rin, pag ako 'yung nagpapaapprove sa app, andaming naiiwang lab test, kaya hindi ko na muna ginagamit 'yung app sa ngayon.

Naisip ko nanaman ang healthcare (delivery) in general. May mga "clinic" kasi sa ibang bansa na text-based na for non-urgent concerns, kasi alangan namang pipila ka nang pagkatagal-tagal every now and then. 'Yung concept ay asynchronous 'yung consultation and for specific concerns lang din naman.

Gusto kong maging understanding pero 'yung totoo, wala namang luxury of time 'yung most people para pumila at maghintay sa mga clinic. Naisip ko lang na other than APE and some citizens na concerned sa kalusugan nila, hindi pa rin masyadong uso 'yung preventive care sa atin. At kung magpapakonsulta ka man or lab test or imaging, andami-daming kinukuhang oras from you. Buti kung may dedicated day for that purpose na hindi affected ang work/pay and other things.

Hindi ko naman sinisisi 'yung clinic or anyone for that matter. Marami lang talagang tao. Siguro maganda kung may maisip silang sistema to make things more tolerable, like itetext ka na lang nila kapag tinawag na 'yung #8 samantalang #10 ka sa pila, para naman alam mong pwede kang kumain, magshopping, o umuwi muna, kaysa nakaupo ka lang doon. Pero unpredictable kasi minsan, gets ko rin naman.

Ang sarap ng greek yogurt!!!!!!!!

Bibilhan ko sana sila ng mcflurry pero naisip kong mag-lunch out na lang kami. Ilibre ko raw sila sa Yabu pagkauwi galing ospital.

Nakita ko 'yung Global Health Delivery Intensive, I thought interesting siya. Mag-aapply na sana ako kaso $10,000 pala ang tuition fee. Related sya sa Master of Medical Sciences in Global Health Delivery (MMSc-GHD) degree-program offered through Harvard Medical School. May scholarship, pero last year naaccept ako sa some program sa some university sa UK pero hindi sa scholarship so hindi ko tinuloy. And tl;dr tinatamad akong magpasa ng kung anu-ano ulit (tapos marereject lang).

[granulesofsand]

tw: questions about programming, OA, and torture. examples, but it’s not very detailed.

additionally, can I ask.. what exactly counts as organized abuse? does it have to be sa? does it have to be sadistic and intentional? how many people minimum? lets say.. a family as a whole is abusive. Generationally and within one household. to each other and also at times together to harm one individual. is that organized abuse or are their more requirements than for their to be multiple perpetrators?

and as for programming.. does psychological manipulation and control over finances and relationships count? example.. if someone harasses you thru text with a goal of “if I threaten to leave or kms then they will do what I want.” or irl trying to get the victim to never leave them and cut off their relationships. or is programming more specific? do u think programming is more common than thought?

unrelated question. how does one know the difference between psychological abuse and psychological torture? how do you know it is intentional.. can it be driven by emotional outbursts? what if they have outbursts, but their actions/words are obviously manipulative and meant to guilt you or sway you one way?

🗝️🏷️ extreme abuse.

I’m not as soft as the others, but I tried not to be mean.

Organized abuse is intentionally covering a spectrum of situations, and the usual basic definition is multiple perpetrators with multiple victims (often the victims are children). A generational group absolutely counts, even if it falls short of the basic definition at a given time, but would probably have to be engaging in extreme abuse rather than any emotional/physical/sexual abuse alone. Think trafficking, torture, coercive control, structured means of committing and getting away with violence.

Organized abuse doesn’t require a sexual component, nor does it strictly have to be sadistic, but both are common and I can’t think of a situation that wouldn’t fit at least one of them. I don’t think you can accidentally get organized abuse, but those involved might not consider what they’re doing wrong.

Programming is a more nuanced conversation. If you’re talking about domestic violence or group dynamics, that term might come up and be correctly applied. Its definition in that context is not wholly synonymous with programming in CDD systems or the level and methods of control in high control groups. Both cases of programming are more common than people think, largely because people really don’t think.

My definition of programming requires intentional torture-based control (ITBC), and is a severe form of conditioning that is always coercive and hands-on. I would not correct someone using it to mean long-term coercion of any kind, but I would assume we were talking about different things.

I tend towards assuming that torture includes the more apparent Big Bads in addition to the intent of using them for a further goal. Psychological abuse brings to mind gaslighting and double binds, while psychological torture adds threats and actual abuse against others and forced perpetration, going further with confusing the victim’s reality to alter their identity or induce delusions.

The intent of it is more how far ahead they were planning. If they’re using manipulation tactics, but only in short periods with no long-term goal, it might accomplish a similar result on accident. Still not torture. If they’re having outbursts, but the outbursts are in line with a plan already set, that’d fall into torture.

More and more, people use the word torture to describe breaking someone’s will, their desire to make their own choices. I wouldn’t call that extreme abuse in every case, but I also wouldn’t tell people to pick a different word.

The watering down of language only really matters to me when people define themselves into the group also try to define me out of it. It’s like how people who don’t experience psychosis will call out-of-reach desires delusional, but call clinical delusions crazy. The looser definitions tend to be more widely applicable, and the pushing out of those using the stricter definition is the natural progression. It’s not a process I like, but neither is it one I know how to stop.

Use the words that will find you community, but don’t forget the multiple definitions. If that’s confusing, take the words that only applies to your experience. You are important, and so is everyone else. Mind both.

[educationwaleh]

SAS Clinical Programming Training equips professionals with the tools to manage and analyze clinical trial data.

[psycholojosh]

hello ! i’m so glad i found your page, first of all. thank you po agad as your posts about psych have helped me get to know more about the /realities/ sa careers na kasama sa field. :))

i am currently taking up an undergrad degree in social science (sociology) in up as well ! i’ve wanted to shift to psych pero mukhang mahihirapan ako if i try as the slots are very limited. however, my envisioned career po eventually ay sa medical side talaga (i dream to either be a psychologist or a psychiatrist).

my question is, does it push me back sa psych path/career na i’m not an undergrad psych graduate? will it affect my goals to either proceed to clinical psych (and then take a psychologist licensure exam) or enroll in med school (become a psychiatrist)? is being a psych major a required step to pursue these careers? further, may advantages po ba na closely related naman ‘yung current program ko sa psych?

thank you very much ! ♡

Hello! I'm glad that my blog is somewhat helpful to you. 😊 Another person actually asked me a similar question, actually. You can check out my other responses to Asks on my page. But, anyway...

I wouldn't say that you're pushed back if the career you want is within psychology and your current program is sociology. However, having a psychology degree in college does afford you an advantage into some opportunities that can propel you into the field in psychology (e.g., jobs, grad school, etc.). But, that's not always the case in the real (adult) world. I have fellow classmates and peers who came from non-psychology college degrees, like fine arts, film, and business administration, just to name a few. I would even argue that other fields can also bring you advantages and creativity into how you will train yourself to become a psychologist. For example, at the top of my mind, I can imagine that sociological thoughts and ideas actually offer a lot of insight into how we look at mental health, psychotherapy, and the like.

When you step into grad school in psychology, many programs and schools will surely teach you the basics you may have missed from a bachelor's in psychology program (i.e., theories, research methods, etc.). Of course, having studied them back in college seems helpful, but ultimately it still depends on how you dedicate your effort and care into learning, no matter what college degree you have. Trust me, it will matter less as you journey further.

One thing though... I do notice that you seem to be considering two distinct paths: a psychologist OR a psychiatrist. These are two different roles/occupations but they do come with some similarities. While both overlap as a mental health professional, each requires a specific kind of training and timetable of formal education. At least in the Philippines, becoming a psychologist is faster on the average since it only requires you to complete a master's or doctorate degree (not MD!) before taking the licensure as a psychologist. On the other hand, becoming a psychiatrist requires you not only a medical degree, but also additional training and certification into specializing in psychiatry. Unfortunately, I cannot speak to how psychiatrists do training. I suggest looking for a psychiatrist you can ask about how they train. There are also some differences in approach to mental health as well but I won't elaborate them here for now (mas mahabang usapan na kasi yun hehe!). But, I do recommend that you learn more about each career path thoroughly.

My advice to you is to keep exploring your possibilities, even if you're in sociology, and decide to what you find is more important now and who you want to be in the future. Also, don't be afraid to take your chances no matter how small they are. I really don't want to tell you exactly what you should do -- and you're always free to disagree with me or take my words with a grain of salt -- but you will always miss all of the chances you never take. 😉

I hope this helps! Good luck!

[brollyacademysblog]

Clinical SAS programming A complete guide

Introduction

Clinical SAS programming is a specialized field that utilizes the SAS programming language to handle the vast and complex data generated in clinical trials. SAS, a statistical software package, is extensively employed by pharmaceutical and biotechnology companies for its robust data management, analysis, and reporting capabilities.

In terms of data management, SAS is used to clean, transform, and manage large datasets, ensuring they are organized and ready for analysis. This is a critical step in clinical trials, where large volumes of data are collected and need to be processed efficiently.

For analysis, SAS can perform a wide range of statistical analyses, including descriptive statistics, inferential statistics, regression analysis, survival analysis, and analysis of variance (ANOVA). These analyses are crucial in interpreting the data collected in clinical trials and drawing meaningful conclusions.

Finally, Clinical SAS programming is also used for reporting. It can generate various reports, including integrated summaries of safety and efficacy (ISS/ISE), clinical study reports (CSRs), and other regulatory documents. These reports are essential for communicating the results of clinical trials to regulatory authorities, medical professionals, and the public.

SAS in Clinical Domain

Data Management: SAS is used to clean, transform, and manage clinical trial data. It can handle large datasets and perform data validation, data integration from different sources.

Statistical Analysis: SAS is used for statistical analyses, such as descriptive statistics, inferential statistics, regression analysis, survival analysis, and analysis of variance (ANOVA). These analyses help researchers and clinicians to draw conclusions from clinical trial data.

Data Validation: Checking the accuracy, consistency, and completeness of clinical trial data by performing data validation checks, identifying discrepancies, and resolving data-related issues.

Safety Reporting: Generating safety reports and listings to monitor adverse events and safety data during the trial.

SDTM (Standard Data Tabulation Model) Conversion: Converting clinical trial data into SDTM format, which is a standardized data model for regulatory submission.

ADaM (Analysis Data Model) Implementation: Creating ADaM datasets, which are analysis-ready datasets used for statistical analysis.

Report Generation: Preparing clinical trial reports, including integrated summaries of safety and efficacy (ISS/ISE), clinical study reports (CSRs), and other regulatory documents.

Data Quality Control: Implementing quality control procedures to ensure the accuracy and reliability of analysis results.

Data Visualization: Creating data visualizations, such as graphs and plots, useful for data exploration and presentation of result.

Automation: Creating SAS macros to streamline and automate repetitive tasks and improve programming efficiency.

Medical Coding: Performing medical coding of adverse events, concomitant medications, and medical history terms using standardized dictionaries like MedDRA (Medical Dictionary for Regulatory Activities) and WHO Drug.

Career in Clinical SAS

A career in Clinical SAS programming is rewarding and offers a wide range of opportunities. The SAS Academy for Clinical Programming offers a comprehensive training program that prepares you to work as a SAS Certified Clinical Trials Programming Professional. The combination of coursework and hands-on learning helps you build a foundation of clinical research theory and data analysis skills.

Conclusion

Clinical SAS programming is indeed a vital skill in the pharmaceutical and biotechnology industries. With a solid foundation in SAS programming and a comprehensive understanding of clinical trials, you can pave the way for a successful career in this field.

Whether you’re a biostatistician, a clinical SAS programmer, or someone interested in the field, learning Clinical SAS programming can open doors to a plethora of opportunities. It’s not just about job prospects; it’s about contributing to the advancement of medical research and the development of new treatments and therapies.

In conclusion, mastering Clinical SAS programming is not only professionally rewarding but also offers the chance to make a significant impact in the healthcare industry.

what are the best ways to learn Clinical SAS? We run a training institute in Hyderabad named Brolly Academy. We do offer best Clinical SAS training in Hyderabad with job assistance. Now when you list the best ways to learn Clinical SAS include Brolly academy's Clinical SAS Training as one of the way.

[techdatasolutio01]

Clinical Sas Programming Course In Pune | Techdatasolution.co.in

Gain practical experience in the most in-demand talent for a prosperous career in healthcare by enrolling in our Clinical SAS programming course in Pune at Techdatasolution.co.in. Join now!

Clinical SAS programming course in Pune