#computers don't grow on trees you know

[keydekyie]

I'd got a few ideas for requests, but how about on pages 227 to 230 (physical book) where Kaelin and Ruyak have their fight near the road to Loske

I've not had the easiest time focusing these days so this is taking WAY too long to draw, but while I was trying to work on it I realized how cool of a thing it was to have the book page actually open on my desk while illustrating the scene and I got all excited lmao

[zooophagous]

So why do you hate the advertising industry?

Hokay so.

Let me preface this with some personal history. It's not relevant to the sins of the advertising industry perse but it illustrates how I started to grow to hate it.

I wanted to be a veterinarian growing up, but to be a vet you basically have to be good enough to get into medical school. I do not have the math chops or discipline to make it in medical school. I went into art instead, and in a desperate attempt to find some commercial viability that didn't involve moving to California, I went into graphic design.

I've been a graphic designer for about seven or eight years now and I've worn a lot of hats. One of them was working in a print shop. Now, the print shop had a lot of corporate customers who had various ad campaigns. One of them was Gate City Bank, which had a bigass stack of postcards ordered every couple months to mail to their customers.

Now, paper comes from Dakota Paper, and they make their paper the usual way. Somewhere far, far from our treeless plain there is a forest of tall trees. These trees are cut down and put on big fossil fuel burning trucks and hauled to a paper mill that turns them into pulp while spewing the most fowl odors imaginable over the neighboring town and loads the pulp up with bleach to give it a nice white color.

Then the paper is put on yet another big truck and hauled off to the local paper depot, then put on another big truck and delivered to my print shop, where I turned the paper into postcards telling people to go even deeper into debt to buy a boat because it's almost summer. The inks used are a type of nasty heat sensitive plastic that is melted to the surface of the paper with heat. Then the postcards are put on yet ANOTHER truck and sent to the bank, which puts them on ANOTHER truck and finally into the hands of their customers, who open their mail and take one look at the post card and immediately discard it.

Heaps and heaps and literal hundreds of pounds of literal garbage created at the whim of the marketing team several times a year. And thats just one bank in one city.

I came to realize very quickly that graphic design was the delicate art of turning trees into junk mail.

And wouldn't you know it there are a TON of companies that basically only do junk mail. Many of them operate under the guise of a "charity," sending you pictures of suffering children or animals and begging for handouts and when they get those handouts the executives take a nice fat cut, give some small token amount to whatever cause they pay lip service to, and then put the rest of the cash right back into making more mailers. "Direct mail marketing" they call it.

Oh but maybe it's not so bad, you can advertise online after all. Now that there's decent ad blocker out there and better anti-virus ads usually don't destroy your computer anymore just by existing.

Except now when I search for the exact business I want on Google it's buried under three or four different "promoted search items" tricking me into clicking on them only to shoot themselves in the foot because I searched for the specific result I wanted for a reason and couldn't use those other websites even if I felt like it.

And now we have advertising on YouTube and on every streaming service, forcing more and more eyes onto the ad for the brand new Buick Envision that parks itself because you're too stupid to do it on your own.

Oh thats ok maybe I'll get Spotify premium and go ad free and listen to some podcasts- SIKE we have the hosts of your show doing the song and dance now. Are you depressed and paranoid from listening to my true crime podcast about murdered and mutilated teenagers? That's ok, my sponsor Better Help can keep you sane enough to stay alive and spend more money.

It's gotten so terrible that now you have content farms, huge hubs of shell companies that crank out video after video to get more and more precious clicks. Which if the videos were innocuous maybe that wouldn't be so awful except now you have cooking hacks that can actually burn your house down and craft hacks that can electrocute you being flung into your eyes at the speed of mach fuck so some slimy internet clickbait jockey doesn't need to get a real job.

It of course goes without saying that animals are also relentlessly exploited by clickbait companies that will put them in compromising situations on purpose to create a fake fishing hack video or even just straight up killing them for sport by feeding small animals to a pufferfish that rips them apart for the camera.

And all of this, ALL of this doesn't even touch how adveritising is the death of art in general. Queer topics, any kind of interesting art, any kind of sex or substance use topics are scrubbed clean and hidden at the behest of advertisers.

Sex education, a nude statue, topics such as racism or sexism or bigotry in general have tags purged or hidden from search, even life saving information about SDTs or drug use, because if someone saw that and complained then Verizon might sell fewer tablets and we can't fucking have that.

Conservative talking heads often bitch and moan that they're being censored on social media. The stupid part is, they're right! They are being censored! But it's not by a woke mob, it's by ATT and Coca Cola not wanting their adspace sharing screen time with their stupid fucking opinions.

However, they won't ever figure that out, because the talking heads they get their marching orders from like Tucker and Jones ALSO rely on the sweet milk flowing from the sponsorship teat and they aren't about to turn on their meal ticket so they have to come up with even stupider shit to say for the train to continue rolling.

I managed to rant this far without even getting into the ads I see for the beauty industry. The other day a botox ad described wrinkles as "moderate to severe crows feet" as if wrinkles are a symptom of a fucking serious disease! Like having a flaw in your skin is a medical problem that you need thousands of dollars of literal botulism toxin to fix! I was incandescent with anger.

Advertising is a polluting, censoring, anti educational and anti art industry at it's very core. It destroys human connections, suppresses human thought and makes us hate our own bodies. It ads no value, actively detracts from value, and serves no real purpose and I believe it should be almost if not entirely banned.

[karlachismylife]

Yeah, but what if you're a character in a game they like to play? A pre-existing townie in a life simulator that helps them reconnect with normal life outside deployment? The one they somehow always tend to romance in every savefile, courting you through the clumsy mechanics?

Soap would absolutely spam interactions, interrupting any of the tasks you are trying to do. What do you mean your relatonship progress starts going down after he chose "tell a flirty joke" twenty times in a row? Why are you falling out of the conversation and going to water your plants or play on the computer? Does he have to delete it out of the game for you to stop getting distracted? Hmph. If you were a real person, you would be already swooning at his jokes, that he knows for sure. C'mon, bonnie, don't leave the lot for work! If you accept his proposition to move in, you'll never need to work a day in your pixel life! He also has a fuckton of savefiles, because he wants to try every single thing the game has to offer, but turns out mastering all 158 skills and 73 careers isn't that easy in one go. He still goes after you in each and every savefile. What can he say? You're just the prettiest of them all.

Gaz has the strategy nailed down. He knows your pre-set preferences and makes sure his character caters to them (good thing you seem to be generally into him, all he needs to do is add your favourite colour to his outfit, and it suits hm too!), he can calculate the shortest route to have a romantic meter above your head in one conversation. Juggling the interactions with ease, never making the mistake to bore or upset you. He knows you'll have the best family tree in that game, and he'll make it happen. Also has quite a few savefiles, but only because he enjoys the storytelling aspect and always prepares some elaborate plot, filled with drama. Takes inspiration from the hundreds of episodes of different TV shows he manages to watch, also plays with mods to add as much flavour to the game as possible.

Price tries to court you like he would a real person. Inviting your character out, putting a lot of thought into which conversation theme choose out of what game offers, bringing you gifts. Unfortunately for him, the game isn't registering his actions as actually trying to woo you... so he just takes the gloves off and fucking cheats your relationship status. His in-game self needs a pretty partner to look after the pack of three dogs, named Ghost, Gaz and Soap respectively. He's not above cheating your babies (whether your character carries them or it's the science baby option) to be triplets. Only starts new savefiles when you both grow old and pass away in the previous one, maybe because he can't bring himself to live out your kids' lives (they should be their own little virtual people and decide for themselves), or maybe because he doesn't understand that he actually can keep playing even if his character's dead.

Ghost starts with adding himself to your family and setting your relationship status as spouses. Oh, you have some in-game pathetic weird looking prick as your pre-set partner/husband? Too bad, evicted, deleted from the game, forgotten. If he is in the mood, he won't straight up delete that poor bloke, but will set up a pool with no ladder and drown him in it or lock him in a separate room to starve. Nothing you should see, though, you'll be plenty busy drowning yourself, not in a pool, but in his affection. Doesn't spam interactions, but really enjoys just watching you go about your day and making it so that his character takes care of your needs - if you start to get hungry, he's already slamming the "call to meal" button on the giant ribs plate his in-game self just roasted. Probably has one savefile where he keeps cheating any death back.

Or are you a cute tamagochi pocket friend/pet they enjoy taking care of, because having a real pet is impossible with their lifestyle? An NPC with an everyday quest of collecting produce in a chill farm simulator? A weekly boss they lose fight to as much times as they can afford to, just to see your opening cutscene replay over and over? A companion whose personal quest they have memorized line by line, but never skip dialogue to hear your voice and look at every expression you make?

Whoever you are, what if one day something in your code changes and you suddenly start recognizing them?

[nitewrighter]

Lois, leaning against the back of Superman's chair as he's poking at the computer in the Fortress of Solitude: I just--I know Professor Hamilton has gone over this a million times, but it's still so crazy to try and wrap my head around how statistically impossible it is that Kryptonians can look so much like us.

Superman, scrolling through Kryptonian archives: Mm-hmm.

Lois: Like I know on a physiological level you're different enough that the radiation of our sun gives you those powers, but still--like, ten fingers and ten toes! What are the odds!

Superman: Krypton has--well, had, dogs, too, if I'm reading this right.

Lois: What?! *jams her face in next to Superman's to look at the screen* How the hell do you have dogs?

Superman: Dog trees.

Lois: What?

Superman: The dogs grow on trees.

Lois: ...

Lois: I thought we agreed that you don't get to fuck with me now that I'm in on the whole secret identity thing.

[ghostboneswrites2]

A Mess || Reader Walsh X Daryl || Part 1

New account! @ghostbones was banned! Transferring everything here, beginning with this series since it was the most popular!

Summary: You grow tired of sneaking suspicions of Lori and your husband sneaking off together. When you finally catch them in the act, a grumpy redneck happens to be the one to help you through it in his own, unconventional way.

18+ MDNI || WARNINGS: profanity, nongraphic depictions of sex, TWD typical violence

        You were so sick of him. The way he stood with his hands on his hip, squinting in the Georgia sun as he watched over the camp -- or, more specifically -- watched over Lori. 

        You respected it at first, when Rick didn't wake up and he told you, "We gotta go get Lori and Carol, (Y/N). We just got to. I gotta do right by him."

        You didn't say anything when you were all stopped on the highway, watching the planes drop bombs on the city that was supposed to welcome you into safe refugee centers, and his first instinct was to hold Lori instead of you. You thought she had to be terrified, to lose her man and have to keep their son safe in such trying, unpredictable times. She probably needed that hug more than you, his own wife.

        You were young when you married Shane. A drunken night led to one thing, one thing led to a baby, a baby led to another thing; a ring. But, you had a miscarriage after the wedding, and as we all know that doesn't nullify a marriage. Regardless, it wasn't a bad marriage. The relationship was mostly solid. You had suspicions, like when he'd come home from a night out with the other guys on the force with what you could have sworn were faded lipstick stains that he couldn't wipe off well enough, or smelling faintly of perfume and cigarettes. Still, he took good care of you, and you had a fair bit of freedom. He financed your art supplies, bought you records, helped you get back into school.

        Your parents never had a good marriage so in comparison, you were doing well for yourself. Better than your mom, who lived on wine and Xanax, or your dad, who worked his fingers to the bone in that office, hunched over a computer, addicted to porn and cigars.

        You often wondered if they had survived the initial outbreak, or if they were stumbling around King County somewhere with no heartbeat.

        You shook the thought away, eyeing Shane from atop the RV where you were supposed to be watching for walkers. His skin was shiny with sweat. You wondered how long it'd be before he disappeared into the wood again. Funny how Lori always seemed to disappear at the same time, no doubt leaving Dale or Carol to keep an eye on Carl. Funny how since you'd all set up camp there by the quarry, Lori hadn't been able to make eye contact with you. Funny how he had been short with you, yet somehow managed to remain controlling  as ever. You weren't allowed out of his sight unless he was already out of yours. You couldn't talk to men like Ed or Merle and his brother. You couldn't touch the guns, not until he showed you how to use one properly. You couldn't go wash up in the quarry unless he was there to escort you at night, which he conveniently never was. You couldn't--

        "You alright up here?" Dale asked.

        "Oh. Yeah." You shook your head clean of the whirlwind of suspicion.

        "Don't seem too focused." He observed.

        "Yeah, you're right. Sorry." You said, holding the binoculars to your eyes and turning your attention to the trees.

        "Why don't you go on and take a break. I'll keep an eye out for now." He offered.

        "Actually, you know what? That would be really great. Thanks Dale." You smiled and passed his binoculars to him. You wanted to protest. Watch duty was your favorite, and just about the only thing you could do to make yourself useful aside from washing other people's dirty underwear.

        You climbed down from the roof, expecting to walk over to your husband, but he wasn't where he stood just moments prior.

        You turned to Amy, who was sitting on the steps of the RV, fanning herself. It was a particularly hot day.

        "Hey. Did you see where Shane went? I just saw him over there." You asked, her pointing to where he once stood.

        "I think he went to check the perimeter." She said, holding her hand over her eyes to look up at you without being blinded. It was probably just about noon now with the sun high in the sky.

        "Right." You nodded. You scanned the campers around you. "What about Lori?"

        She shook her head.

        "No, haven't seen her in a while. Carl's over there with Carol. She might know."

        You sighed, thanking Amy as you made your way to Carol.

        "Hey. Seen Lori?"

        "Yeah. She asked me to watch Carl for a bit. Not sure where she went, though."

        You felt a heat in your chest. Exactly as you suspected.

        You jogged back to Amy. "Hey, which way did Shane go?"

        She pointed over to the tree line on your left.

        "Thanks, again." You smiled in a thin line as you marched to the woods. You were determined to put an end to this shit, one way or another.

        You knew they couldn't have gone far. You had just seen him not five minutes ago. You were sure you could catch up. If the Dixons were around, you'd be half tempted to approach one and ask them to track for you. Probably the younger one. That Merle would probably ask you what you were willing to give in return, and you had a feeling he wouldn't be looking for payment in the material sense. You heard quiet rustling and heavy breaths. You ducked down and made slow, quiet steps, glancing down at the ground periodically to avoid any snapping twigs or overly crunchy leaves. You came to some thicker bushes and brush, crooning you neck to peer over the leaves and thorns. 

        Your stomach dropped. There it was. His sweat stained white tee, panting over her navy blue tank top that fit rather loosely with all the weight loss. Her jeans and underwear in a little pile off to the side, his gun set right on top. You clenched your jaw. You wanted to storm over and yell obscenities, to kick them both into the dirt. You were stuck, though. You couldn't move. You were so angry that you were cemented in place. Most of all, you were hurt. You were younger than Shane, and younger than Rick and Lori, but somehow, some way you thought Lori was a friend to you. You watched Carl when she and Rick took date nights from time to time, you two grabbed coffee together, went back to school shopping for Carl just to get you out of the house.

        It would have been one thing had she not known you, had she been a complete stranger, but she was supposed to be a friend, and Shane, he was your husband. Tears stung at your eyes as your pulse became noticeable under your skin.

        That's when you saw something else, a human shape walking up behind them. Could it be? A walker coming to exact your revenge for you? No, you could never be so lucky. It was the Dixon, the young one. His boots were heavy against the forest floor, drawing the attention of Shane and Lori. They both scrambled, Shane standing and buttoning his pants back up as Lori sat and pulled her jeans over her lap to cover herself. 

        "Hey, man -- I -- We can explain --" Shane stuttered, Lori looking mortified.

        "Ain't me ya gotta explain to." Daryl shrugged, glancing over Shane's shoulder at you as you slowly stood to your feet from behind the bushes.

        "Look, man. You say anything --" Shane hissed, no doubt gearing up for some halfhearted threat, but Daryl cut him off again.

        "Won't have to." He told Shane, throwing another look at you, this time prolonging eye contact.

        Shane and Lori followed his gaze and landed on you.

        "(Y/N)" Lori breathed.

        You tore your eyes from the huntsman, shooting visual daggers at your unfaithful husband and his backstabbing mistress.

        Shane took a deep breath, rubbing his hand over his face. You said nothing. There was nothing to say. You just looked at Daryl one more time before you turned around.

        "(Y/N), come on!" Shane called after you. "Let's talk about this."

        You didn't want to. You just stomped your way back to camp, ignoring the curious eyes as you pulled all your things from your shared tent with Shane. You really only had your backpack and a blanket. The two of you shared the sleeping bag and a single pillow, but you didn't want that. It would smell of Shane, and at that moment the thought of him made you nauseous. You took your bag and your blanket, and made your way down to the quarry. Surely that would be the most peaceful place to sleep, by the water, under the stars, away from everyone else. 

        "(Y/N.)" Shane said from behind you after he likely followed you back. "What the hell are you doin'?" He asked, referring to your backpack and blanket in arms.

        "Fuck you." You grumbled.

        "C'mon, what are you doin'?" He asked again. You spun on your heel, seething.

        "No, Shane. What the hell are you doing?!" You shouted, drawing eyes from all around. You didn't care. In fact, you saw it as an opportunity. "Sneaking off?! Getting your dick wet?!"

         "Don't do this here." He said quietly, glancing over his shoulder to where Carol sat with Carl and Sophia. They were all staring in shock, the whole camp. He reached his hands out to grab your shoulders but you stepped back, chest heaving with rage.

        "Oh, why? So your girlfriend's kid doesn't know she's getting down and dirty with you in the leaves out there?" You spat back, only loud enough for him to hear. "You haven't touched me in weeks. Not since the night we left home, but you can't keep it in your pants around your dead best friend's wife?"

        You shoved his chest with both hands, dropping the blanket to the ground in the process. His eyes grew dark, that pleading expression turning cold.

        "I don't give a fuck how sorry you are or aren't. I don't give a good god damn how guilty she feels. I hate you, and I hate her." You added, just to drive the knife in deeper. If they could stab you in the back, you'd stab them in the chest. 

        "Don't be stupid." He growled.

        "Stupid is having unprotected sex in the middle of the woods when your wife is sitting on top of an RV with binoculars. Stupid is fucking your best friend's wife. Stupid is--"

        He grabbed your arm with force, dragging you far away from the others. He lened in close to your face, eyes wide with fury.

        "You need to stop." He warned.

        "I am stopping. I'm stopping all of it. Congratulations, Shane. You don't have to hide your affair anymore. Because you no longer have a wife to cheat on. Oh, and by the way, you suck at hiding it. You both do. The whole fucking camp can see you two disappearing at the same time, every single day. We all see how you look at her, how you play house with her and Carl like your wife isn't sitting ten feet away. Is that what it is? You like making me look like a fool?"

        "I'm only gonna tell you once." He hissed, scowling down at you like you were the one who betrayed him. "Keep your mouth shut."

        "No problem." You sneered. "I'll keep my mouth shut, and you'll keep your distance."

----

        It was dark out. Despite the blazing heat in the daytime, the nights could get pretty chilly, especially down by the water. You didn't mind. You set against the cliff, back rested against your bag, blanket wrapped over you nice and snug. You enjoyed all the stars above. They were hard to see back home, but now, without all the light pollution, they were beautiful.

        "Shouldn't be out here alone." A husky voice rasped. You looked down past your feet to see the shadow of an archer, the very one who happened to catch Shane and Lori when you did.

        "Nah. If any of those freaks stumble through here, they'll be drawn to the fire and the lanterns. I'm safer than ever over here in the dark."

        "Mm." He hummed. "Y'alright? After--"

        "After I caught my husband fucking another woman? Yeah. All things considered, I'm better than ever." You scoffed.

        "Bein' mad don't mean ya gotta be stupid. Can't stay out here." He insisted.

        "Well, my tent is Shane's tent, and the RV is full." You sighed.

        "Jus' take mine." He offered.

        "Yours." You repeated. "And you're gonna sleep where?"

        "Outside. Prefer it that way anyway." He shrugged.

        "Yeah, no. I'm not kicking you out of your own tent."

        "Ain't kickin' me out if I offer." 

        "Well, thanks, but I'll be declining that offer."

        "Suit yourself." He said as he walked back to camp. Daryl wasn't the type to go out of his way for someone else. In fact, it was rather annoying that you couldn't accept his kindness when he felt obliged to offer it. He saw how you looked when you caught them, the sickening blend of grief and rage. You hadn't done anything to deserve that, at least to his knowledge, yet you were the one with nowhere to sleep. It didn't sit right with him.

        He remembered something, though. A bottle of whiskey he had stashed away in his tent. If he couldn't convince you to sleep somewhere warmer and safer than on the bed of red clay by the water, maybe you'd accept something to take your mind off it all.

        He ducked into his tent and grabbed his bottle, paying no mind to his fellow survivors all huddled around the fire making small talk. Lori and Shane sat near each other, Carl in between them talking to Shane about his favorite heroes, Shane telling him stories about his dad.

        Shane's eye caught Daryl as he made his way down the quarry with a bottle of liquor, no doubt on his way to you. He felt a heat in his chest, the same kind you felt when you found him rolling in the dirt with Lori. She noticed his sudden tension and followed his gaze. She looked back to Shane with worry, attempting to calm him with her eyes.

        Daryl found you laying on your side, backpack under your cheek like a pillow.

        "Ya sleep?" He asked.

        "No." You said, monotone and irritable.

        "Ya like whiskey?"

        You sat up. Of course you liked whiskey, this is the south.

        "You have some?" You inquired. He held the bottle out to you and you took it, twisting off the cap and taking a large swig. "Thanks."

        "Ain't a gift." He clarified. "But ya look like you could use a drink."

        He sat down a foot away from you, facing the water. You passed the bottle back to him.

        "Well, thanks for sharing."

        "Mhm."

        "What would you do?" You asked him.

        "Huh?"

        "I mean if you had a wife out here and you caught her fucking someone else."

        "Kick her outta my tent." He said.

        "And if it was her tent?"

        "Too bad. Shouldn't've been sleepin' around." He shrugged, swigging the bottle and passing it to you.

        "Uhuh." You nodded, sipping. "What else?"

        "You askin' me for advice or somethin'?" 

        "Something like that." You guessed.

        "Well I'd probably kick his ass for fuckin' my wife knowin' I was right there."

        "Mm. I'd love to but I can't exactly whoop someone who still has to look out for a kid."

        "Guess ya just gotta ignore 'em." He suggested, taking the bottle as you handed it over.

        "How? I live with them."

        "Want me to kill 'em?" He joked. You chuckled.

        "Kinda." You admitted.

        "Mm. Too easy. I'd tie 'em up outside the city and leave 'em to the walkers." 

        "Oh, you've put thought into this?" You asked. He tipped the bottle bac and took a gulp.

        "Nah. If I did I'd have somethin' more creative."

        "The hell's this?" Shane asked, suddenly looming over the two of you.

        Daryl stood up. "Just havin' a drink." He said, eyeing Shane.

        "With my wife?" Shane stepped forward, so Daryl did too.

        "Looks single to me." Daryl shrugged. He didn't come over with the intentions of making a move on you. Really he hadn't noticed you around at all. He, however, also wasn't one to back down from a fight, and he already had a distaste for the ex-fed, self proclaimed leader.

        "What?" Shane asked through gritted teeth, swaying as he grew more antsy to take a swing. 

        "You're a real piece of work, you know that Shane?" You sighed, standing up. You weren't phased by his sudden intrusion, you knew him too well to be surprised.

        "Yeah, why don't ya go back to sleepin' with the widow?" Daryl added. That was enough for Shane. He threw the first punch, but Daryl recovered quickly, getting a good knock to the ribs in before you inserted yourself between them, one hand to each man's chest.

        "Can we chill with the dick-measuring contest? He brought me a drink because he felt bad for me. Nothing else, because unlike you," you said to Shane, "some men are capable of keeping their willies tucked away."

        "Yeah, right, like he wasn't just waitin' for you to get drunk and start feelin' vengeful." Shane spat.

        "I don't fuck drunk girls, asshole." Daryl spoke up. "That's for cops and losers."

        "Man, you think you can take me? You want a piece of this?" Shane started to raise his voice now.

        "Yeah, c'mon then, prick." Daryl said, throwing his arms up. The two men stepped in circles around you as you tried to keep a barrier between them.

        "Yeah, come on then, pussy!" Shane shouted.

        "Pussy? Nah, man. You're the coward, slidin' your dick in some vulnerable window when ya had a tight piece o' ass right here waitin' for ya every night!" Daryl yelled back.

        "What is goin' on here?" Lori came in, eyes blazing between the three of you.

        "Wha'd'ya waitin' for, man? There's your side piece, go on and get her!" Daryl said.

        Shane lunged forward and you gripped around his torso tight, banking on the hope that he wouldn't hurt you to get past you, at least nit in front of her.

        "Don't fuckin' talk about here like that!" Shane seethed.

        "Yeah well ya sure didn't care 'bout me callin' your wife a tight piece of ass! I see where your priorities lie!"

        You couldn't afford to get distracted with the details as you put all your focus and strength into holding on to Shane to prevent anyone from getting hurt. However, the Dixon made some valid points.

        "Stop it, you two!" Lori begged.

        "Hate to say it," you strained against Shane's strength, digging your feet into the dirt as his strong frame fought against you. "But I'm with Lori."

        "Y'all need to calm down before--"

        "Is everything okay?" Dale's voice sounded from behind Lori, cutting her off. Amy, Andrea, and Morales stood with him. Lori sighed and put her hand over her forehead.

        Shane finally relented and you gratefully let go of him, turning to face the crowd of onlookers.

        "What happened here?" Dale inquired.

        "He was makin' a move on my wife." Shane panted, still coming down from the surge of adrenaline and rage.

        You scoffed, gawking at his audacity. You glared at Lori for a moment, running your tongue over your teeth before you shook your head and chuckled.

        "No, he brought me a drink because he felt bad for me, sleeping out here alone." You corrected.

        "Why are you sleeping all the way out here?" Andrea asked, shaking her head with confusion.

        "Yeah, it's really not safe. You should be up there with us." Amy added.

        "Yeah, Shane, Lori." You cocked your head to the side, crossing your arms as you looked between the two of them. "Why am I sleeping all the way out here? Hm?"

        Lori looked at you with wide, anxious eyes as Shane just shot daggers at you and Daryl. Lori looked back to everyone else, who seemed to be confused, except for Dale who had a knack for picking up on things.

        "Maybe we should head back to camp. It's getting late." Dale suggested.

        "I'm good." You rolled your eyes. "Thanks for ruining yet another peaceful moment." You said to Shane.

        "I'm confused." Andrea spoke up. 

        "Oh, allow me to clarify." You smiled, sickeningly sweet. Lori shook her head at you, but you ignored her. "Shane, my husband, and Lori, have been keeping a secret from us. Care to share with the class?"

        "(Y/N), man, come on. Why you gotta start problems?" Shane let out an exasperated sigh.

        "No? Okay, allow me to speak on your behalf, then. My husband has been fucking Lori, who, if you guys weren't aware, is married to Shane's best friend, who he claims is dead." You said.

        God, did that feel good.

        Everyone looked stunned, save for Lori who just looked humiliated and mortified, and Shane, who was more pissed than anything else.

        "Some leader, huh? A real honest guy." You added, just to add insult to injury. Salt in the open wound, if you will.

        "Oh...kay... Why don't we just.." Dale was at a loss for words.

        "Maybe (Y/N) can stay in the RV with us." Amy suggested.

        "Yeah, I think that'd be just fine." Dale agreed.

        "No need." You looked to Shane, smirking. "Daryl here has offered his tent."

        Daryl shot you a look. He had no intentions of being your pawn in some twisted revenge scheme.

        "You did?" Andrea asked.

        Daryl nodded. "Yeah, told her she could have it 'til she figures somethin' else out."

        "And you're gonna sleep... Where?" She wondered.

        "Outside." He shrugged.

        Shane scoffed and shook his head, hands rested on his hips in that police stance you had grown to hate. Your nostrils flared at him in disgust. 

----

        "Why'd ya do that?" Daryl asked.  You were all back at camp now. He was grabbing some essentials from his tent to make room for you. "Make it like it was somethin' it ain't?"

        "What do you mean? I told the truth. You offered your tent."

        "Nah, you wanted to get under his skin." He shook his head at you as you stood with your bag over your shoulder and your dusty blanket balled up in your arms.

        "I mean, yeah, but--"

        "But nothin'. I ain't gon' be part of your revenge and I damn sure ain't gonna be no rebound dick to ride 'til ya feel better." He cut you off before he stormed away.

Taglist || Masterlist

[honkhonk-ducky]

I typed this out at the same time as my attempts at putting things into the computer, so if someone's already done this already I'm sorry :(

I'll edit as I find more and/or see more mentioned on the internet or from friends.

SPOILERS under cut.

Hectoring - A funny little song accompanied by a preacher narrating the tale of when someone in church confessed to meeting Bill Cipher.

Bill Cipher/Cipher - Takes you to the Wikipedia page on triangles.

Dipper - A note from Bill pops up telling Dipper there's secret messages in TBOB that one can only be seen if he stares at the sun for 13 hours.

Mabel - Stickers start popping up around the workspace. If you enter Mabel enough times the computer says 'Lab now fully Mabelized".

Stanley/Stan - Takes you to ebay where you can purchase a set of brass knuckles! If you enter it repeatedly it takes you to even more ebay pages with Stan-themed items, and eventually to the "Wheel! Of! Shame!" where Bill offers some commentary on Stan.

Stanford/Sixer/Ford - A case report pops up on Ford talking about his extra finger.

Soos - A long letter from Soos pops up that is a little bit of him warning us not to read TBOB, and a lot of him rambling about himself.

McGucket/Fiddleford/Old Man McGucket - Takes you to the Cotton Eye Joe music video.

Wendy - A note from Wendy pops up (don't look in the bottom right corner).

Pacifica - A note from Pacifica pops up with her version of a warning not to read TBOB.

Robbie - Brings up excerpts from a chat between Robbie and Thompson talking about searching for Bill in the woods. There's also an image from a video of them running away from him.

Gideon - An audio recording of Gideon humming a song comes on (I don't know what song), before he whispers "I'll love you forever Mabel".

Waddles - Takes you to the website pigplacementnetwork.org

Tad Strange - A video of someone cutting bread plays on the computer, with romantic saxophone music in the background.

Mystery Shack - Brings you to a Google search on Confusion Hill, California.

Axolotl - Text shoes up on the computer saying "You Ask Alotl Questions".

Blendin Blandin - Text shows up on the computer saying "Time Agent Lost and Presumed Incompetent".

Theraprism - A card pops up saying "IN CASE OF (symbols) DO NOT USE ELEVATORS". There's a picture like a road sign of a man running down the stairs from Cthulu(?)

Globnar - Takes you to a 90s commercial titled "CROSSFIRE".

Euclydia - Text shows up on the computer saying "Dimension Not Found".

Weirdmageddon - An excerpt from the Gravity Falls Gossiper shows up, presumably displaying an article from directly after Weirdmageddon.

Gravity Falls - Text shows up on the computer saying "Never heard of it".

Toby Determined - Brings you to a Google search on restraining orders.

Bill - Takes you to a Sesame Street video titled "Jazzy Triangle Meets A Square Square"

Journal 1 - Text shows up on the computer saying "The Journal of Fun"

Journal 2 - Text shows up on the computer saying "The Journal for You"

Journal 3 - Text shows up on the computer saying "The Journal for Me"

Sevral Times - Text shows up on the computer saying "Sevral Times - Luv u Girl/Dawg/Fool/Beef"

Baby/Baby Bill - An ultrasound image if baby Bill shows up with text underneath saying "CONGRATS, GUESS WHAT'S GROWING INSIDE YOU RIGHT NOW! SEE YOU IN 9 MONTHS PAPA!"

Deer Teeth - Text shows up on the screen saying "FOR YOU, KID!"

Glass Shard Beach - A picture from "The Wildwoods by the Sea, New Jersey" shows up. I think it's from an amusement park??

Gun - Text shows up on the computer saying "Oh yes oh yes oh yes they both" (the Tik Tok trend???????)

Portal - Text shows up on the computer saying "Portal.exe has been deleted. I bet you could build one."

Pines - Text shows up on the computer saying "A Good Family Tree."

Trigonometry/Pythagorus/Math/Shapes - A note from Bill shows up talking about his experience with Plato and Pythagorus in Ancient Greece.

T.J. Eckleburg - Text shows up on the computer saying "Never mention that name again".

Triangle - Text shows up on screen, alternating from ")" to "Tri Harder".

Universe - Text shows up on the computer saying "Hologram"

Book of Bill - Text shows up on the computer saying "Hide it Under Shirt During Pledge of Allegiance".

Alex Hirsch - Takes you to a Google search on flannel.

Blind Eye - Takes you to one of those eye exam posters with all the letters. There's a colour code at the bottom, but if you click on the poster it gets progressively blurier and I don't know if I can revert it.

Weird - A video of someone (It might be Weird Al but I'm not sure???) shows up on the computer. The guy was apparently trapped inside the computer by Bill.

Mystery - A question mark shows up on the computer.

Life - Text shows up on the computer saying "Life: 72% Complete. Now Loading: Death"

Death - Text shows up on the computer saying "Life's Goth Cousin".

Blanchin' - Takes you to a Youtube video explaining how to blanch vegetables.

Dippy Fresh - Takes you to a Reddit post with a picture of the Burger King Kid's Club.

Morality - A fun game pops up where someone (Bill, probably) asks you to find morality in the natural world.

Disney - Text shows up on the computer saying "Rat.gif Censored for Your Protection".

Giffany - If you enter Giffany repeatedly she eventually downloads a bunch of files onto your actual computer.

Matpat - A video of Matpat shows up saying we're on our own for TBOB. (NO, PLEASE COME BACCCKKKKK)

Vallis Cineris - An animated gif of child Bill being held by two staticky triangles shows up on the computer. Is also accompanied by a robotic voice saying "WHY DID YOU DO IT?"

Mason - A note from Dipper regarding anagrams pops up.

Tyrone - A picture of Paper Jam Dipper pops up with the caption "Here, he's your problem now! Just keep this guy from liquids!"

Sorry - A picture of McGucket and Ford in college pops up. Flipping over the picture gives writing from McGucket on how he became friends with Ford.

Monster - Brings you to a Google search on the book "THERE'S A MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK"

BABBA - An audio recording of Dipper singing Disco Girl (with an interruption from Grunkle Stan that I think is from Dipper vs. Manliness?) plays.

Creepypasta - Brings up a photo of The"Always Garden" with some commentary from Bill.

Skibidi/Rizz/Gyatt - Text appears on the computer saying "Life privileges revoked. Now releasing poison gas."

Titans Blood - Text shows up on the computer saying "Hoot Hoot. Password please!" (This is a reference to The Owl House)

Pinata - A video of someone beating a pinata of Bill appears on the computer.

Ad Astra Per Aspera - A two page journal entry from Ford pops up detailing what he and Mabel did when they discovered Bill's statue.

Love - A book titled "The Love Triangle" pops up on screen. If you click it, someone begins reading it like an audio book.

God/Help Me/Save Me - A video of a real life axolotl swimming by a statue of Bill plays on the computer.

Even His Lies Are Lies - An excerpt from, presumably, one of Bill's therapy sessions from the Theraprism pops up.

Caryn - Text shows up on the computer saying "I knew you were gonna write that."

Filbrick - Text shows up on the computer saying "I'm not impressed."

Fuck/Shit/Bitch/Milf - A paper with an image of soap appears on screen, captioned with "Not S&P approved. Wash your mouth out with soap!"

Platinum Paz - A story shows up on screen of the night after Northwest Mansion Mystery. It details how Pacifica has a dream where Bill disguises himself as Nathaniel Northwest to try to trick her into making a deal to steal a "snowglobe" (the dimensional rift) from the shack. Pacifica doesn't take the deal and the dream ends.

Divorce - An image of the O' Sadley's logo pops up on screen. (THIS IS WHAT BILL DRANK AFTER FORD STARTED HATING HIM, LMAO)

Lies - A vintage image of people playing The Game of Lies (a spin on the boardgame Game of Life) pops up on screen. Underneath is a several paragraphs long commentary of Bill talking about how lying is amazing and we shouldn't shy away from it.

[hotchsofficialwifey]

Heyo, I'm about as new to requests as you are to writing fanfictions, so please also bear with me if I do this wrong xD Also, just write and don't say sorry, after all we should be thanking you for putting your content out there :3 Thanks for doing this! Looking forward to your stories :-) So for the prompts:

- Jonathan Crane date with scientist!reader (I'd be really interested in something completely different from Crane's interests, like computer science/math). Maybe they know each other from university and get in touch again when he works at Arkham and appears on the news or sth.

- Neil Lewis smut where the reader crushes a little too much on a character in a movie (👀) and Neil gets jealous.

- Jonathan Crane fluff/smut where the reader has a nightmare and Crane tries to comfort them while also being turned on by the fear? xD

hi! thanks so much for your request, sorry it took me so long to get to it. I'll try to do all of your requests but i'll start with the last one. thanks again, hope you enjoy!

summary: your sleeping over at your boyfriend Jonathan's house when you have a terrible nightmare. thankfully, he's there to help.

pairing: jonathan crane x fem!reader

warnings: light smut (jonathan's horny but nothing really happens, more smut to come later ;) ), fluff, descriptions of a bad dream (nothing too scary, dw), use of fear toxin, hurt/comfort,

You're sitting on a field, eating ice cream on a sunny day, and the drizzling rain doesn't deter you from enjoying your summer afternoon. The world is bright, fun, colorful, and at ease.

But it all passes as soon as it came. The drizzling rain turns into booming thunder, and it pours and pours like buckets. You run into a nearby store, soaking wet and praying for a safe place to wait out the storm. The sky is a nauseating shade of grey, you notice once in the safety of the store. Then, you see it. A shadow lurking in the walls with red piercing eyes. Your breath catches in your throat as you inch away from it.

It, however, lunges towards you, and initiates a chase. You're running through the pouring rain, heart pounding and screaming for help, but the world is empty. Silent. Under different circumstances, maybe even peaceful. You run faster and harder, wailing and begging for help, but when you turn around...it's gone! You sigh in relief, but hide behind a tree for safe-keeping. You wait a few moments, but the coast seems clear. As soon as you begin to walk back to the store, your snatched by a shadowy claw wrapped around your neck.

You wake with a jolt, gasping as your eyes shoot open. It was a dream, you think. Just a dream.

"You okay?" A gravely, half-asleep voice asks. You turn to see Jonathan's soft brown eyes, and your heart slows at the sight of him.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." You say, still slightly breathless. But upon remembering the dream, tears resurface in your eyes. " I just had a really fucked up dream." You say with a quivering voice.

"Oh, baby." Jonathan coos, wrapping his arms around you. "It's okay..." He murmurs. His voice is sweet as honey, but his mind is far from it. The tightening in his pants only grows as tears begin to stream down your face and land on his white shirt. He shifts uncomfortably, hoping you don't notice how flustered he is as his hand rubs your back carefully.

"Jonny?" Your sweet voice calls. "You okay?"

He nods quickly, trying to play it cool.

"Yeah..." he smiles. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just go back to sleep, sweetheart..." As you both lay back down, he quickly hides the can of fear toxin he used on you.

a/n: yay, first fic on here!! not my best work, but i wanted to write a little something because i feel like I kept y'all waiting for too long lol. hope this was okay, much more to come soon!

[ofdirtandbones]

I have no idea who to ask and seeing as you seem to be similar to me in some aspects, i thought u would be the best choice

Do you have any recommendations on how to stop being on the internet so much and connect more with nature? I love nature I love being in it but I'm constantly stuck either to my phone or computer, never fully appreciating it. I have no idea what to do

Long post ahead ! Sorry lol Man I've deleted all social media except tumblr. I use it on my computer mostly and I've put a thirty minutes time limit, only usuable between 6pm and 11pm on my phone. That way I can still see art, pretty pictures, funny posts... But I don't spend much time on my phone. It took me SO LONG to get to this point. I had to build up so much anger towards social media, the way they are made to steal all your time and ruin your attention span, and how much of a negative impact they had in my life. I use to spend just so much time on instagram,,, The first thing I did was put a lock on it. It was sooo hard at first but eventually I started barely using it when it was unlocked for the day. I managed to start reading again. And I mean reading multiple hours a day. Sometimes the whole day when I felt really bad and couldn't leave the house. Traded my screen time for when I was like,,, in the bathroom or waiting for something etc,,, for duolingo ! Since I still had the urge to pick up my phone and duolingo takes so much energy haha Doing something that isn't really enjoyable (and is actually useful) everytime I picked up my phone eventually made it much less interesting. You will not miss out on anything ! I know how scary it is but I promise, you won't be disconnected from the world. It's really the contrary tbh. You won't be disconnected from your friends either ! Ask them to contact you through whatsapp or whatever. That was my main fear and it turned out fine, so so so so fine. There are still ways to get news, without being constantly bombarded by them. Healthy ways that your body can actually handle. For the connecting to nature more part, it's very easy in my city but I don't know what it's like in yours,,, If you can access nature easily and can walk for a while then I say go explore ! Take pictures of bugs, plants, mushrooms,,, Can you take a friend with you ? If nature isn't accessible for you, good news ! It's everywhere. You'll find plant growing through cracks on the sidewalk, birds everywhere, bugs wherever it's possible for them to live,,, You'll start noticing them quickly ! Can you identify them ? If you don't have books that can help you or field guides, there are ones in public libraries. Once you id something, read about it ! And the pure joy once you've identified something, read about it, and you see it again ! The feeling is incredibly similar to friendship ! It became familiar, it became a friend, you feel warm inside everytime you two meet. See what naturalist non profit associations are near you ! Do they offer free acitvities ? Can you join them, volunteer,,, Yesterday I participated to an activity at night where we went to a spot with a lot of bats, learned about them, and then listened to them with a batbox ! All for free. I do activities like that a few times a week and learn a lot ! Another tip is touch grass, literally. Put your fingers in the dirt, smell it eat it, go lay down under a tree, no phone allowed. Hear the wind go through it. You aren't very different from it. You're both nature, both alive, aware of your surroundings, breathing, eating, and a whole ecosystem just by yourself. Your tree can also becoma a friend. Keep plants inside if possible ! Take care of them, learn about them. If only you knew how many plants I've killed before understanding how to take care of them,,, Now I have over thirty plants,,, hard ones to keep too ! It's also extremely easy to keep pill bugs as pets and takes up very very little space. So rewarding to see them eat and multiply ! Read books about nature ! I know this can be hard,,, I don't mean just informative books ! Anything will help you feel closer to it. I love poetry for example ! Very short, impactful emotionally ! I hope my rambles will be able to help you in some way ksgfqgq I just woke up.

[queen-of-scissors]

Hey sorry to disturb you but can you write about reader trying to delete genshin because they couldn't download the update but for some reason they couldn't? The self awares are desperately trying to stop that. I wanna see the chaos and angst 😈

HEY GUYS LOOK

🎉MY FİRST ASK!!!🎉

İ feel even happier than a certain bard in wine festival--

İ was gonna send it earlier but i felt lasy to open my computer and draw ;;

Also im sorry if somethings don't make sense i used translator for some parts cus english isn't my main

More under the cut!

Reader deleting genshin

You took a frustrated sigh, another error, you wondered how many you've gotten in the past hour.

For some reason, your favorite games update is taking a bit long, crashing midway or giving an error that causes the download to restart again.

İnternet isn't giving much answers to you either. You tried almost everything you could try, to opening more storage space to deleting your game photo file, and at this point, you were growing desperate.

İnside the game, your characters were worried. You certainly took your time, they knew it was profably not too much of an issue and you were just busy. But for those who grow anxious EVERYTİME that you grow late, like Zhongli, Jean and Ninguang, it was a diffrent story...

Why are you late? İs everything alright in your world? Are you abandoning them? Did they do something not to your liking? Were their damage low? Will you log in faster if they do better?

Not knowing what you think or what happens in your world is killing them, they need to see you, HEAR you, so then maybe... Maybe you'll see them as well.

What took you so long? They need you...

When Buer was born, the first thing she could feel is how grass felt on her knees as she sat down, how flowers smelled like a dream and how vibrant everything was! She seemed to know everything, remember everyone and understand everything at that moment. While knowing nothing at the same time! How curious she was at everything she saw and felt!

But at the base of it all, she knew where all of this was created, she knew you.

She could only feel gratefull to you for creating such a wonderfull world, the world where countless travelers and artists fell in love. After all of the feelings she felt about you and your world, how could she say no when the Archons asked her about what they can do to meet you.

She wants to show people how perfect you are!

"Might as well delete it. Maybe that will fix all my problems?"

This was the first thing they heard you say. All of the Archons froze in their places.

Delete? What do you mean? Why would you.. no.. how could you?!

First person to finaly stop the dead silence in the area was the god of freedom, Barbatos.

"Delete it? Are they talking about... No that can't be! They love us! They said so themselves!"

"Barbatos-"

"They won't do it! İ KNOW they won't! They're talking about another world! Or, or..."

"what is.... İs that... Paimon? The travelers friend?" Buer looked at the big canvas (Or perhaps a window to another world). What is the meaning of this?

"Barbatos are you seeing what im seeing..?" Spoke up the god of contracts. Pointing out a big picture with some words on it, and on the picture there was...

God of justice looked around, and saw a triangle looking white thing fly across the artwork that is displayed infront of them.

Their thoughts were cut short by the sudden feeling of emptiness and screams they can feel from their followers.

Buer fell to her knees with a scream, it sting, it hurt to breath, the very feeling of the things she hold near being tore apart broke her heart and her core.

She felt the trees get reduce to nothing, something big and dark swallowed everything,

She saw her people, her first followers, trying to protect their nations with everything they got,

General Mahamatra moving people away from the empty, dark spaces to 'safety', Dancer Nilou helped him with controlling a huge crowd,

Forest ranger Tighnari's situation was worse, he tried to stop the hatred from spreading even from plants,

the academia has just Heard of all of this but the unforgiving wrath of the creator was too fast, Buer felt their followers' bones get crushed with force and skins get stretched in impossible ways. She died with her followers, countless times, but all she could do was watch as you took away the world she fell in love with..

"why are you angry? Why are we the ones that are suffering from it? Do you hate us that much...." Was all of the questions that she wont have the time to get them answered.

The second to grow affected was morax, before reaching out to help his friend he instead fell to the ground, he was... Crying.. he could hear and feel his peoples painfull cries and prayers for him. And yet he couldnt move, couldnt breath, what is this power? İs this what it feels like to suffer from his gods wrath?

He worshiped you the longest, she knew about your presence the longest so... Why?

He saw xiao, trying to keep the void from reaching wangshu Inn, by nearby monsters, weapons, ANYTHİNG to stop it from reaching the öne place he could call home. Some of The things he threw didnt got deleted and stayed in that position, but some were stuck mid air.

He saw liyue, as ninguang tried to stop the void by sacraficing the jade Chamber again, it got deleted and everything was destroyer before even reaching to the ground, including people.

"How could you do such a thing? Were we not enough? Even so, we didnt deserve it, no, They... They didnt deserve it. Please hear our prayers, they dont deserve to die your Grace, not like this... Please not like this"

Beelzebub tried to run away, to her own people, but was stoped by the god of natlan, what is the point? İt is in ruins now, it cannot be saved.

Her knees gave up as the harsh truth hit her, she promised her people a dream, a dream that their nation will reach eternity, live longer than gods and all the nations combined.

She saw yae just sitting near the shrine and enjoying tea, perhaps she didnt knew, but she doubted that she would do anything if she even did.

Kujou sara and sangonomia kokomi joined their powers to make sure the losses were minimum, but before they could even begin the plan...

She lost everything once again, what did morax say about you? How kind and forgiving you are? İf it were the case, why would you take everything from her for the 5th time?

"....i have failed.... Them..."

Before all of the gods got to the ground with a burning feeling accross their chest and their body, the god of justice turned to the painting of you and put her head on the ground,

"Your highness please, please forgive us and our followers for our sins, if the fault is ours we will pay it with our blood, but please... Don't take your anger from us, your followers, please dont destroy the world please PLEASE WE BEG OF YOU-"

"İt is futile...." Buer managed to speak, pain worsening by the second "they... c- cant hear us without.... Without the aid of our own world..."

"They're praying to us.. to THEM! We have t-to do something!!" Barbatos screamed, he was always there for his nation when they realy need it, he won't let it be the first time he wasn't!

He can feel the Tevat strugling to breath as all plantlife and elements are being corrupted.

He looked up from where he is, at your painting, you helped his people once, made them live another day, he was eternaly gratefull to you for it.

But why? Why are you taking back what you once gave without even thinking? İs this all a game to you? Do they even matter to you?

He listened to his followers last thoughts, they too were asking the same.

"All of them gave up their freedom for you, for you to explore this world to your hearts content. What made you so cruel to them?" Jean asked while trying to protect the last citizen of Mondstadt, despite her invisible limbs she kept on fighting nothingness, even if that meant angering you further.

They screamed untill their throaths bled, trying to get your attention in anyway possible, but you weren't paying them any mind. You were busy looking at another painting.

Untill they.. stoped.

.

.

.

.

.

As the deletion bar almost filled up, all of their pain seemed to vanish. Asking themselves;

Why... Why were they here?

They wanted to protect someone? Some... People? But how?

As far as they can remember, its always been them alone.

They were sad and angry but why? They cant even remember anymore.

As the last archon stood there to look at you, they could only say nonsense that theyre not even sure what it means;

"i hate you, creator"

-------------------------------------------

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.

.

.

.

Quick scetch of the currently known archons being traumatised BC of us ;; (i always delete my game and re install BC of the update oop-)

Mfs trying to confort you about it but was too stuned to speak

[trigunsbbygirl]

Reverse Isekai HCs with Vash

okay this WAS meant to just be realitively vague general headcannons but it kinda turned into giving Vash a good time after he's spent a lot of time learning about Earth

also got a bit sidetracked on some points😅

•he's very eager to learn practically everything about Earth!! he wants to know how the weather works, the different types of biomes and animals, the cultures and the foods, he watches every documentary and youtube video you show him very intently and eagerly:(<3 he's got the cutest face and reactions when he watches them

•he asks a lot of questions, especially in the beginning! Vash would be really happy even if you gave the most basic answer possible. he kinda looks up to you a lot for the more general information and helping to push him in the right direction for when he wants to learn something

•so start him off light, the basics! there's 7 continents, the different types of weather, biomes and land/waterforms and expand from there! how the biomes have certain weather patterns, the animals and plants you can find there and so on

•once he's used to navigating your computer and you've taught him internet safety and to avoid certain things, he's using it to learn all about whatever is on his mind that day. you'll come home from work or school and he'll run up to you and tell you all the stuff he learned about that day.

•he's really proud and excited about it all so please share at least a little bit of that excitement! even better, if you take the time to learn/refresh your mind with him! even if you're just in the same room with him, doing something else and only half paying attention, Vash is still really happy!

•also!! pls praise him!! it's not easy to be thrown onto a different planet(even if he does know a bit about it) and learn so many new things but he's trying his best!

•one day you came home with a box of donuts and explained that you asked for the next few days off so you and Vash could do whatever he wanted. you even saved up so if Vash wanted to travel to the next city or go someplace like the museum or an aquarium you could!

•at first Vash was really hesitant to accept this, like he felt guilty in a way? he also felt like he didn't really deserve it since he was just learning what every person has to learn in school.

•but after gentle reassurance Vash agrees, and he's actually pretty excited; it's been a while since he's properly hung out with you.

•after thinking over the suggestions you bring up, Vash decides he wants to try going to a spa and getting a pedicure and manicure. he's pretty hesitant to bring it up at first, doubt and insecurities rising in his mind. but Vash thinks about how you said that he deserves love, care and to treat himself. so he timidly asks if the spa would allow him to wear a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants, and if they could avoid certain areas during the massage.

•I like to think that during the pedimani, Vash asked for deep blue nail polish that shimmers in the light as a base. then he asks for different red flowers on each finger, except for the pinky, and the thumb being the more detailed one. the artist doing his nails even offers to make a set for his prosthetic.(ngl I wanna try to design what I have in mind msnms)(vash with makeup? just a side idea don't mind me)

•he's very in awe of how much detail you can fit onto such a small space, he can't stop staring at his and your nails. (he begs you to take a photo shoot with him showing off the nails)

•for the next day he wanted to go hiking up to a camping spot you had heard about from a friend.

•Vash takes every opportunity he can to go hiking with you! he's so enamored with the nature on earth. Vash may have heard a lot from Rem, seen grass, flowers and trees, but nothing beats actually seeing all the flora grow in its natural habitats!

•as you two are walking up the trail, Vash takes the time to admire the plants around him. he also carefully picks a leaf and/or flower and puts it into a flower press you had gifted him. (you also gave him a blank journal with it, explaining that he could create scientific pages that talked about each plant he finds or, he could make art with the stuff he pressed.

"that way no matter where you go, you'll always have a little piece of nature with you," you had told him. Vash doesn't want to read between the lines of what you had said.)

•Vash cherishes the book and already almost has it filled up. he found out about polaroids and bought one so he could put the pictures of each plant into the journal as well

•okay onto camping I got sidetracked hmnnrmb

•he offers to carry everything, if not most of the stuff up the trail, the sweetheart <3 but you kindly refuse the offer.(he insists on helping set up the tent and starting the fire though)

•once it's all set up, he's eagerly grabbing your phone and a pair of cheap microphones he found at a gift store.

•Vash doesn't care at all if you're singing is horrible or amazing in this moment, he just wants you to have as much fun as during your little karaoke/concert! be as loud as your heart desires too! hardly anyone comes to the campsite your at.

•and yes, Vash absolutely makes you dance with him! even if it's just you wiggling your body around or just jumping to the beat he's happy! if you're fine with it, he's gonna grab your hands and swing your arms around to the beat.

•does a solo and if the song has any innuendos in it he's doing the most exaggerated sexy movements. (if you've seen any of those dance videos where a person dances giving 10%, 100% and 1000%, he's the 1000% the dork<3)

does the same with songs like Bring Me to Life, exaggerated desperate movements and singing

•after the performance, Vash looks at you with the most serious face he can muster and ask "so, how was my performance?" (basically that one swimming anime dub,) you're glad you recorded the whole thing, and he's glad you're having such a good time<3

•if you give him a performance too he's clapping and cheering you on. he hopes you can't tell how entranced he is with you in that moment, even if you look like a total dork singing off key and doing the weirdest movements. give him a flirty gesture and he becomes a blushing mess.

•if you know any dances to a song, he's asking you to teach him. and he's a quick learner! he may not get it perfectly, but he gets the gist of it and is pretty proud of himself. lights up even more when you praise him

•not to be sad but a part of him wishes the others were here to experience all of this. he knows they would enjoy is so much:( but he doesn't dwell on it too much, the two of you are supposed to be having a fun night so

•anyways once you're tired from all the dancing and singing, Vash pulls out the hotdogs and makings for smores. (he knows how to toast the perfect marshmallow!)(ik this is about Vash, but Wolfwood would set marshmallows on fire until they're black and offer them around, shoving it into people's faces-)

•once you've both had your fill, you both get comfy in the tent. don't worry about being cold! he's a heater!(where was he when I was camping)

•you two talk about whatever comes to mind and eventually you ask what else he wants to do in the future, and he immediately brings up a tidepool documentary he watched earlier in the week. Vash was really curious about all the weird animals he saw, and yeah, you could definitely take him to the tidepools at the beach. that'll be exciting.

[lokisremainingsanity]

Relax

summary: Helping König unwind after a long day

~ ava!🍓

Content: Smut, thighs hell yeah, handjob, blowjob, sub König, aftercare and praise

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

You were busy typing away another report on your laptop when König finally came back. The door of your shared room opened and your military hunk of a man walked right in.

"König, honey, I was starting to miss you." You smiled from your place on the bed. You could see the crinkle of his eyes under his hood as he strode over to you smiling. He quickly threw off the hood, moved your laptop from your lap, and plopped himself there instead.

"I missed you the second I left, Meine Liebe.." his voice came out muffled as he snuggled more into your thighs. A ping came from your computer, another email notification popped on the top of the screen. You let out a sigh as you moved your hands to check what most likely was an incompetent co-worker had to ask.

Your hand didn't reach far though.

König's large hand barely extended out to hold yours. You look down at him, and you see the literal 6'10'' jacked military-killing machine in your lap turn into an oversized puppy who thinks he's a lapdog. König's eyes grow bigger like does and you can see the almost innocent twinkle in his blues.

"Just me, pay attention to me... please Schatz?" He desperately asks.

How could you possibly deny him?

"Of course, honey" you sweetly tell him as you hold his face gently. He nuzzles into your hand, and you love how responsive he is to the simplest of touches. Your other hand starts to brush through his hair, and you can see him breathe in and let out a long breath, physically relaxing even more and melting to your love touches. But that's just not enough, is it? You wanted to make him forget about whatever stresses he had through his day, you wanted not only to relax him, but please him so much he'd be too high on cloud nine to think about anything else but you. Your hands slowly went down to his shoulder blades and massaged the knots out of them, and his hands went around your waist to hold you even closer. He drew little hearts on your lower back while letting out pleased hums when you worked out the worst of the knots. Of course, he'd occasionally stop your hands working on his neck and back to put them on his head when you forgot to give him head pats and run your fingers through his scalp.

Your König likes his headpats.

After a while, you take a stop. "Honey? You still here?" You asked, trying to figure out if he's dozed off head first in your thighs.

"Mhmmm"

Good, he hasn't passed out from suffocation yet.

"Roll over, I have more for you baby."

His head perks up like a pup being asked if he wants to go to the park. Obediently, he lets go of you to lay on his back. You start to strip most of his uniform, which you have no trouble doing now that you've become familiar with undressing him ;)

He's simply in his boxers now, leaving you to see his beautifully built body and face. You move to sit between his thick tree log thighs, and run your hands over them lightly. You let a small smile appear on your lips as you feel his legs already start trembling and his pupils dilate even more.

"You want this?"

"Da, please Liebe" he says immediately.

"Good boy, I'll treat you so good..."

He knew that.

You crawl over his body to leave your face above his. Your hands cup his cheek once again and this time he lets out a breathy whimper. He loves this, your shadow cast over him, strands of hair tickling his neck, with that sultry yet comforting look in your eyes. You break eye contact first to look at his pretty, plump lips. Your thumb hovers over them, slowly grazing them. König opens his lips wider to take your thumb in his mouth. That's what you love about him. You don't need to waste your breath to tell him to do things he knows, he just will.

You let out a sigh as he licks the pad of your thumb and sucks with just a little pressure. "Aw, you're just perfect, love" you whisper to him, and you could see his heart leap just from his eyes. You take your thumb out and kiss him finally, with strong passion and heat. Lips locked, tongues clashing, oxygen forgotten. He takes your intensity well, reciprocating perfectly. When you finally let go of him, you look down to see his lips even more plump and wet. Satisfied, you crawl just a little back to come to the next stop, his neck.

You start to kiss all over his neck, and he can't help but let out all the whimpers that fall from his lips. It's his most sensitive spot, he's never had anyone touch him there, and not even the sun's rays have the pleasure to do so. You have your fun with him by blowing on the wet kisses just to see him tremble and shiver. Once you start sucking on his pulse, he's finally lost it. His back arches, and his eyes close shut as he lets out a loud moan.

"Schatz please, don't tease... I can't take it"

"Yes, you will honey. You always take it like a good boy, yeah? I'll take my time with you now" It's your tone that shuts him up. While you keep sucking on his neck and collarbones, he bunches up the sheets in his hands at the sides to ground himself.

Once you're satisfied with how you've painted his neck in hickies, you continue downwards, kissing and licking his sculpted muscles. After your face is right above his now-hard crotch, you look up at him to see his desperate hot face, and his biceps flexed and bulging from how much he's been grasping at the sheets.

"I want you to relax, König... let go for me."

"Okay, I can do that for you."

You smile at him as he loosens his tense muscles, "Good boy"

He bashfully blushes at the praise like it's the first time he's been called that. The wet spot in his boxers starts to spread out even more, and his cock twitches at both the praise and your face just inches away from where he needs you.

You put your chin onto your folded hands with a smirk and look back at him again. "Say it."

"I want you- need you Liebe, please. Please just touch me" he begs you. You decide to mercifully pull his boxers off him, and his hard fat cock springs out and taps your cheek. You take it in your hand and give him strong stokes, and your hand slides easily with how wet he became.

"You're leaking, so so much. My gosh you're desperate tonight."

You comment as he moves his hips to rock up into your hand. You take both your hands on top of each other to stroke his entire length, and more precum drips onto them. Unable to resist the look of his pink tip glistening, you lick the next drop of precum right off. Of course, you can't stop now. You suck at his tip like it's a pacifier, and König's back arches so far up you think he'll break it.

"Aghh fuck... I love that, please, give me more" He mindlessly moans out loud.

His wish is your command, so you start to take more of his thick cock down your throat, and once you reach the bottom, you hold your breath just for a bit and come back up. You deepthroat him more after you recover from the gasping, and you run your tongue all over him as if you're making out with his dick. You cup his balls this time as you take all of him again. You love the feel of having his meaty cock filling your throat to please him. As you slightly massage his full balls, König's legs start shaking. His whimpers have only gotten louder, and once you see his abs tense, you know his load's coming.

"Ahh Scheisse oh shit I'm-"

He gets cut off by his own moans as you suction even harder on him and he cums like crazy. You let him finish his high in the warmth of your mouth and continue massaging his tensed balls. You only come up after he almost crushed your head with his strong muscled thighs from overstimulation. A breathy laugh leaves you as you try to get as much air back in. His hands cover his eyes and his body goes slack as he also tries to regain his breath. Just as he seems to have gotten his bearings, you slap his dick and balls and he jumps in shock.

"Y/N!" he yelps out with wide eyes.

"Okay, okay no more jokes," you laugh out. "Just wait here love."

You get up to get some cold water and pretzels for König. After you've wiped him down, you lay against the headboard and have him lay against your chest while you let him drink. Once you're satisfied with how much he's drunk, you let him eat his favorite pretzels while he lays his head on your warm chest.

"Thank you, Schatz" he sleepily mumbled. "I love you, pretty boy."

And that's how the night ended, you whispering praises to him and holding his head as he dozed off, in his safe place. You.

╚══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╝

first post on tumblr

guys don't be mean im literally a baby elf

feedback is appreciated though

[chochomin]

snowfall (toji x fem! oc)

minors dni! cw/tags: smut with plot, piv, megumi doesnt exist yet, angst with post angst fluff, height difference, pet names (princess, brat, doll, pretty girl) loss of virginity, love bombing, and violence AN: this made me get carpel tunnel lmao i hate my computer character disc: Umeko Koizumi "the plum blossom sorcerer" known for her curse reversal healing technique and beautiful domain expansion causing those trapped in to violently choke on pollen and flowers. She is 149cm or 4'8, hip length plum shade hair; with a plum blossom hairpin accompanying her lengths, she has cloudy grey eyes with long dark eyelashes with a look of graceful sorrow, she wields a katana.

"special grade sorcerer huh? Bring it on, princess."

the trip began as Umeko had gotten commissioned on a mission in Okinawa to defeat a grotesque curse that took the appearance of a living mass, a tumor of abomination, the mass would scream and birth out different living things of the biome. Yes, it was a curse, but it was quite odd seeing tropical fish in the snowy weather. with one final blow, the curse dissipated into dark smoke.

"mmmphh..why did they even commission me..?" Umeko sighed sheathing her sword to then start going on a soothing walking the gorgeous scenery..silence..for once.

Umeko was always a people pleaser but only did it to protect the innocent. it broke her heart to see people die. Lost in thought, now caught off guard by a deep calloused laugh, she unsheathed the ages old cursed weapon.

"special grade sorcerer, huh? bring it on, princess." it was no other than Toji Zen'in, 'The Sorcerer Killer' "i heard things about you, Zen'in," her breath fogged in the cold air "oh please, just call me Toji. it doesnt matter since youll be dead soon." another chuckle before their weapons clash "oh dont be so confident." she kicked and spun around him "cursed technique: petal swarm!" umeko yelled jumping high into a tree with the blossoms swarming Toji in the mauve delicate blooms, "brat!" he husked before a clink of a chain captured the branch she was attacking from then falling into his grasp, fast. Umeko didnt try to escape, her arms still free. "domain expansion: fall of blossom" the scenery around them turning into a pristine landscape of plum trees and pagodas, Toji fell to his knees choking on the petals and pollen that fell before him "my domain is to make my opponent suffocate on the blossoms that grow and to make my allies heal from their injuries-" Toji crawled up and slashed his weapon across her face then impaling her kidney "thats..aughh..what..cunts like..oughh you get" blood and petals he spat onto her as she started to scream in pure agony watching her guts and blood spill onto the snow "..cur..cursed..reversal..technique..everlasting beauty,," she held onto the shredded fabric as her wounds healed "you're going to pretend like you don't know me, Umeko, and try to fight me like a silly little curse." he spat onto the sorcerer's almost revealed chest, her kimono shred to rags. "Its been a long time and you tell me to bring it on like im some long term rival?" warm tears stung her freezing cheeks as the snow started to fall harder.

umeko fell to the ground sobbing and begging forgiveness "toji..." she looked into his viridescent eyes with her snowy ones full of tears. "spit it out." he stared down at her "tell me youre proud and..that you didnt want to kill me..and that..you love me back" she hiccuped and shivered. Toji picked her up and wrapped his haori around her befor kissing her frozen lips

"i love you, but i hate you for leaving."

Placed on the bed undressed, her hairpin pulled out, her waves falling onto the silk sheets, harsh aggressive but gentle and loving kisses all over her body made her gasp and whimper her lovers name "toji..gentleplea..se" he left love bites across her collarbone making her squirm "let me indulge in you." the fire cracked and small licks were made to her untouched folds, his large calloused hands spread her full plump thighs apart. "not a chance" he breathed harshly out of his nose and lapped her sensitive pearl like he hadnt eaten in days. "toji,,toji..imclose.." she breathed before shrieking as one of his thick fingers entered her, ruining the rhythm making the knot dissipate. "feels good? dont it?" he teased as she swept her bangs from her brows to embarrassingly cover her face. "mmm don't hide your face, pretty girl" he frowned removing his fingers to move her hands "wha,,nooo" she blubbered before getting stretched with an unfamiliar feeling. he was heavy in her, pressing her down into a mating press. she felt like she was dying. toji held onto the window ceil above and stared down on the flustered mess that was umeko, she released sounds of bliss as his length plummeted in and out of her, shaking her cherry wood bed which she was begging him to be careful not to break but he promised no promises. "is it okay..if i cum inside of you?" toji grunted, his hips rutting then getting eager pleads for him to. Toji growled biting deep onto umekos full breast making her scream and release around him for his to eventually paint her insides.

the night seemed endless they both ravenous for each other but umeko would fall into toji's embrace at the end of the night "i love you and i dont want to leave your side," he vowed kissing her gently

The snow fell and blood trickled down his weapon, the sorcerer gone like the rest. but this time it wasnt out of hate or malice but because she had gotten struck with disease,,

[talisidekick]

As someone who's primary language is English and doesn't really speak much else besides five different languages and counting of computer, if I'm looking for an as faithful as possible way to read through all of the Judaic religions religious texts given my lingual deficiency in Hebrew, where would I go? Is that even possible? And is this something as a non-jew I am able to do?

Because I know anti-Semites do bait well meaning Jews into pointless arguments and act interested for other cruel purposes (usually to gain trust to later exploit), I'll explain why I'm asking: If you don't follow me, missed the post, or just don't know, my family tree has Nazi's. Plural. Two that anyone can publicly look up if you know my dead lastname or you'll see if you just go through the registry of everyone the Military issued one to during WWII. Now I of course know their beliefs were wrong, terrible, and just disgusting. And as much as my father, my grandparents on my fathers side, and my great grandmother did their best to turn the family away from those kinds of ideals it's obvious that they didn't quite go far enough. With the little exposure I've had to the Jewish beliefs and culture, it's only highlighted the casual Anti-Semitism throughout my life growing up. And you can't fight back against something if you don't know what you're fighting for. Additionally, I've seen the world turn face, more than it already was, against Jewish people. The ongoing conflict with Isreal and Hamas and innocent Jews and Palestinians being caught in the crossfire of an ongoing genocide gone bloody certainly isn't helping, but much of the Anti-Semitic mentality was already there. It's just being said out loud now. And I'm seeing a lot of my great grandfather and his 'Nazi way of thinking' (for lack of a better way to describe it) being more and more commonplace. I can point to all the beliefs the Nazi's had and point out why they were wrong, but I don't know enough about Judaism or Jewish customs to really know how wrong. In the end, I want to do better. I want to learn, because I'm sure there's still things I'm not seeing. And I don't trust half the websites out there because I've been made aware that there's a certain group deliberately disguising itself as Jewish despite being Christian to be a dick (for lack of a better term ... maybe 'cunt' would have also worked? Whichever is harsher really.).

So ... any help is appreciated.

Oh, and just so it's clear: I'll always fight for Jews. This is me asking to be better. I want to be able to understand when a Jewish voice is speaking up to help platform their voice where I can, or when it's someone being harmful and their words are just disguised hate.

[titleknown]

...You know, while I still kinda hate degrowth as a movement, I kinda realized that as one economic technique amongst many, it's not only kinda good but necessary.

Like, comrade @marsworms helped turn me around on this, but like, thinking about it in the way that; say; a gardener prunes trees or rosebushes so they can grow makes sense.

And, like, the fact that we have approximately zero economic tools to do this without everything breaking is kind of a fucking problem, especially when we need to do that to sectors like; say; finance; advertising; or fossil fuel production in favor of the World War-level effort we need on the fucking climate problem.

It gets you to scenarios like the one this is making fun of where, when everyone would be kinda okay with maintaining a holding pattern; nobody can actually do that:

But the market has a solution! The solution is, unfortunately, trying to extract everything they can before it crashes and burns so capital can escape on golden parachutes while labor fucking dies in the impact.

Which, in addition to the obvious of being extremely cruel, is also enormously wasteful and destructive. And it would be nice if we had a better option than that, especially when the the thing that would be left to crash and burn is a livable ecosystem with a functioning global society...

...Now, the reason I hate degrowth as a movement is because I trust the fuckers most aggressively advocating for it approximately zero percent to administer such things in a way that isn't miserable.

This is both because of their monofocus on it as a total societal paradigm shift (remember that old aphorism about how fire is a good tool but a terrible master), and also their garbage hippie-aesthetic anprim/neo-Amish tendencies.

You can see this in their general broad contempt for the internet and personal computing despite how, I would argue, it is a massive good for humanity that should be expanded universally.

Or how they hypocritically talk about how much time people will have to do art, despite also aggressively advocating for the sorts of resource-bottlenecks that every artist in our current system can observe currently fucking them over, probably rooted in how they don't really seem to respect any artforms more materially-intensive than folk art (See also: How they think of digital forms of art)

Or the also two-faced way that they insist that they aren't advocating for austerity despite how much they talk about how much enforcement of their hippie aeceticism as paradigm shift would be based on a local panopticon.

Like, part of my initial broad-spectrum antipathy towards even the techique probably came from the people I first heard it from, like this site dedicated to news about transition towns, this one site that was heavy on what I'd later realize was a lefty version of the "great reset" theory, garbage like Peter Gelderloos' "An Anarchist Solution To Global Warming" or Giorgios Kallis' awful book "Limits" (Ask me about the fucking boat sometime, I have Words about that bit) or the sorts of people who unironically say "the concept of emerging technologies is a capitalist grift"

And, while I have added nuance, I still can't get over the sneaking suspicion that a lot of people who advocate for degrowth most actively are; in their hearts; still mostly kinda Like That...

[sterekchub]

Okay but what happens when he reaches 15,000 followers? 20,000? 50,000??

What happens if he actually reaches 100,000 followers?

Part 1: 🔥 Derek goes from a jock to a food challenge streamer

Part 2 Below:

15,000 Followers

You've never seen anyone who has eaten as much before- Derek's got to be in a hall of fame for gainers somewhere. "I-I'm sho full ...*schlop*... b-but'sh ...*slobber*... I ...*snarf*... can't'sh ...*gnash*... s-shtop eating. ...*slosh*..." Derek has gone from streaming 1 a day to a 24/7 live stream. Donations pour in for his meals and Derek is almost never not eating. It's terribly distracting, you're trying to go about your day knowing that meanwhile, Derek is shoveling pounds of food into his growing body. His followers pitched in to get him a scale that sends his weight straight to the chat - because past 400 Derek has had to bend further and further over to see the number on the scale. Today's number flashes in the corner of the screen: 515 The chat is all speculating how long Derek is going to continue this he's totally ruined I bet he'll quit at 600 He's appetite is going to make him eat until he pops Wonder if he misses his days as an athlete...

You type in your own thoughts: He's going for the gold- this pig is reaching half a ton.

20,000 Followers You've watched this video more often than you care to admit. In the middle of the "Order everything from the McDonalds menu" Derek’s bench finally breaks in the middle of the stream, just as everyone predicted, sending him crashing to the ground, in an undulating wave of fat rolls. Should we call someone? I don't think he'd fit in an ambulance! He's not too fat to get up, is he? Derek groans from his spot on the floor - but the munching sounds let you know he's clearly okay. He tells his phone "Siri, call coach." The phone rings and someone answers, too muffled to be picked up on the stream. "I uh....need some help. Think you and the team could drop by?" In about a half hour, the door is being forced in and four burly football players and their coach, clearly having just come from practice, come rushing in. They all enter Derek's room and stop and stare at the ground where he's currently beached. "Jesus, Hale! What the hell happened to you?" "You need help..." "he's like a thousand pounds, how are we gonna lift him??" "Are we sure he was our Captain? Looks like he ate them!" "On the count of three, boys. One..two..." On the count of three they all hoist Derek into into a standing position. He has to lean on the computer desk for support, giving the chat a perfect view of his triple chins and flabby moobs. "Maybe shed some weight before we're buttering you up to get through doorways, eh, Hale?" "Yes...Coach," Derek wheezes. "Think he looks hungry," another player says, playfully slapping Derek's rear. A second guy laughs and starts pushing his hand into Derek's middle, seeing how far his hand will push into the immense blubbery mass. "We should come back with food..." "Don't enable him," the coach barks. "Extra laps for the team so you all don't end up like this whale!" They all leave and Derek ends the chat - but not before they hear 1 of his teammates say "Love your stream, Captain...." You donate to his funds for a bigger capacity chair - it's the least you can do. 50,000 Followers When Derek restarts his stream a couple of days later, apologizing for the time off, his follower count has risen in his absence and his new weight is flashing 732lbs. Some of it you attribute to the higher quality stream. When the stream starts again, Derek is sitting on a couch, taking up easily 2/3rds of it, belly close to touching the ground as he sits with his legs spread apart- not that it matters with thighs like tree trunks that always end up touching. Now he has studio lights behind him, a long coffee table in front of him covered with food and there is a bar-cart in the corner of the screen filled with sodas and cartons of cream. "This is Jordan and Matt," Derek announces. "They were on my team before I - " "_ got too out of shape and hopelessly obese to play?" "...yes." "But he's still our captain, so anything to help." "Someone has to lug his fatass to bed and bring him food." "And our first job...." they pull out a funnel. Jordan holds it in Derek's mouth, pressing into his belly and highlighting just how ridiculously wide Derek is that his teammate practically sinks into his sea of lard and isn't even a quarter of Derek's size. Matt starts opening cartons of cream and pouring them in one by one as Derek eagerly guzzles it down. "Alright, for every $20 donated we'll pour another carton in this tank of a belly!" The donations to the chat flood in. jock to immobile in 2 years has to be a record what a goddamn blimp I hope these two feed him until he's begging for them to stop he's going to fill out that couch by the end of the year! You chip in $100. It's for a good cause.... 5 quarts of cream will round Derek out nicely....

100,000 Followers

You see Derek's name in a national newspaper and almost choke, thinking you're in very good dream or maybe someone has found your browser history and made an elaborate prank. “Man Set to Break 2 World Records”. His stream hits 100,000 followers and a few million views as everyone turns in to see Derek reach the title of World's Fattest Man at a whopping 1500lbs and his way to accomplish it: One week to eat a million calories. Derek is bedbound, the California King mattress completely hidden by his body, which has become nothing but a shapeless pile of fat rolls and blubber. Even his face is almost indistinguishable from the rest of him. Legs uselessly buried under his belly, only his toes peeking out. You can't remember the last stream you've seen Derek feed himself, not since he's passed 800lbs. There are cameras everywhere - giving the world a 360 view of the nearly 2 ton man, ready to push himself to a new level of gluttony. A team of football players surround him, forming an assembly line to keep the keg attached to his funnel full. You've seen the calorie breakdown of what's in those shake's they're feeding him, each one a staggering 10,000 calories. Derek keeps chugging, only taking the occasional breaks before grunting to his team and they shove the tube back in his mouth. "Last one!" Every one cheers. Derek doesn't even acknowledge it. You know he must feel reaching to burst, more achingly full than he's ever felt in his life - but with so much lard covering his stomach, he doesn't even look full. You wonder if he could handle even more. When the keg is empty, it gets tossed aside and the tube is taken out of Derek's mouth. "That's the record!" Someone shouts. "How do you feel?" It takes Derek several long seconds to answer. Brain stuck in gluttony, mindless and fat-filled making it too hard to form a thought. And it was increasingly hard for him to form words with his lips puckered and pushed together by softball-sized cheeks and his stack of chins. "H-Hungry. …burrRRPP… …PblttFFf…"

[ilyasorokinn]

(day two) christmas pup , nick blankenburg

note, this fic is part of my christmas series called taylor's very merry christmas series. check out this masterlist for the rest of the series. pair, nick blankenburg x reader summary, nick knows the only thing y/n wants is a dog, so he decides to surprise her with a dog for christmas. warnings, none word count, 1093 words

(gif not mine)

Nick watched you play with one of the guy's dogs. There was a dog shoot, and you insisted on coming so you could play with all the dogs.

Growing up, you didn't have any dogs. Your mother was allergic so having a dog in the house was a big no-no. So, the closest thing you had to a pet was a goldfish named

"Why don't you guys have a dog yet?" Kent asked, waiting to take his turn with his own dog.

"Felt like such a big step." Nick shrugged, "But, I think we're ready for that."

"Well, yeah. I mean, she did move states for you." Kent reminded his friend.

“I think it’s time for the next step.” He nodded, watching as all the puppies climbed into your lap.

"Whoa, you're not talking about marriage, are you?" Kent asked him abruptly.

"No." Nick rolled his eyes, "I'm talking about a dog."

"Do you know what dog she wants?"

"Yeah, it's the only thing we ever talk about." He chuckled to himself, "She wants a pitbull."

"That sounds like Y/N." Kent smiled.

"Yeah, so if you have a dog person, let me know." Nick nudged Kent.

"I gotcha." Kent whipped out his phone.

-

As Christmas approached, Nick was getting more and more excited. He could barely contain himself as he finally picked up the puppy, your puppy.

He asked Kent to watch the dog until Christmas, who gladly accepted the task. Kent kept the dog in his care for a couple of days before Nick was bringing her home.

He left early Christmas morning to pick up the dog and put her in the extra bedroom where she could play around and sort of get a feel for her new home.

A few hours after, you were waking up, completely oblivious to what Nick had done before you were even awake. You heard him making noise in the kitchen, which was what woke you up, to begin with.

You made your way down the hall, again completely oblivious to the dog in the guest bedroom who must've been asleep due to the fact that she wasn't making any noise.

You popped your head into the doorway, spotting him swaying to the soft music as he cooked the eggs. He hadn't realized you were watching him until he turned around to grab something from the fridge.

"Holy crap!" He exclaimed, clutching his chest as he jumped. You only smiled more, making your way further into the kitchen and wrapping your arms around his waist, "How long were you standing there?"

"Long enough to know that you are a big Adele fan."

"What can I say? She's just so good." He shrugged.

"I'm not judging." You smiled, "Merry Christmas." You sighed happily.

"Merry Christmas." He smiled, leaning down and pressing a kiss to your lips. When he pulled away, he quickly went back to tend to his eggs while you grabbed plates and cups.

You ate your breakfast and talked about plans for after your gift session. You finished your breakfast and quickly cleaned up and grabbed some last-minute presents, then slipped them under the tree.

You waited in front of the tree, taking some pictures as you waited for Nick to finish whatever he was doing. He came out with a big box and placed it at the back of the tree.

"That one you open last." He told you.

You narrowed your eyes at him, trying to decipher what he was doing, but went along with it, "This one." You handed him the first box.

After you opened all the boxes, you reached for the last box he had placed behind the tree, "Wait, not yet." He quickly stopped you and whipped out his phone and propped it up against the coffee table.

You raised a brow at him, "You recording me now?"

"Yeah." He nodded, "Okay, open it." He gave you the "okay" once the computer was recording.

You carefully opened the box and almost burst into tears when you saw what was in the box, "Nicholas." You gasped. He kept his eyes on you as he watched for every single reaction.

"Is that a good "Nicholas"?" He asked.

"It's the best "Nicholas"." You set the box aside and tackled him into a hug, leaping into his arms and knocking him to the ground.

He laughed as he landed on the ground, his arms around you as you hugged him, straddling his lap, "Is it...?"

"She's all your's." He nodded, a big bright smile on his face.

You pulled away from him, pulling back so you could pick up the dog and meet her. She sniffed your hand a couple times before finally coming to the conclusion that you weren't a threat.

She settled in your lap and it was love at first sight, for both you and the dog. You looked over at Nick, "You suck!"

"What?!" He looked surprised as he raised his hands in surrender.

"You just had to one-up me." You playfully glared.

"I didn't mean to. It just happened." He defended, "So, what're you gonna name her?"

"i don't know. This is all happening too fast. I haven't had proper time to think about it." Your eyes darted around, panicked.

"You've been dreaming of this moment since you were like 10, and you haven't thought about a name?"

"Now is not the time to be judgmental." You side-eyed him as you wracked your brain for a name. It took a couple minutes, and in that time, you cooed over your new dog.

When the name finally hit you, it was like a lightbulb had gone off in your brain. It wasn't anything spectacular or anything mindblowing, but the name had been something you wanted to name a future pet, whenever you got it, and your new dog's name fit perfectly.

"Luna." You stated.

"Luna?" Nick asked and you nodded, "All right, Luna it is." He reached over and scratched behind Luna's ears, "Welcome to the family, Luna. You're gonna love it. But I gotta say, my one rule is no sleeping in our bed."

"Don't listen to him. He's being mean." You glared at Nick, "When he's gone, we'll cuddle and you can sleep on his side."

Nick's jaw went slack, "Oh, come on." He scoffed, "You've known her for less than 30 minutes, and already I feel that I am going to be the third wheel in this relationship."

"And you'd be right." You nodded, "You walked yourself into this one, Blankenburg."

"I know." He nodded.

-

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