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mypoisonedvine · 4 years ago

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Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x reader (part 7)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself. except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.

word count: 2.5k

warnings: um just implied smut and fluff and a reference to bdsm I guess?? but it's pretty chill overall

Liked by starkcosmetics and others

y/n.y/l/n okay first of all, it takes an act of god to get a picture of this guy smiling, but it’s always worth it. he really changed everything for me and I can’t thank him enough for that. so happy ❤️

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caroldanvers 😍😍😍

flowercrowny/n oh my god this is so sweet i’m gonna cry

1 HOUR AGO

He smiled as he stared down at the post you’d made, remembering how much effort you’d put into finding the perfect picture (in your opinion; he thought he looked kinda dopey in it) as well as writing and re-writing your caption.

The speed at which your post gained likes and comments was inconceivable to him; even more impressive was the speed at which gossip rags were picking up the story. Sure enough, his phone’s alerts to new headlines about you were not only going off like crazy, but had started to include news about himself as well.

Y/N Y/L/N Shocks With Romantic Instagram Post, Confirms Dating Rumors

You’ll Never Guess Which Hollywood Starlet Is Dating Her Driver

Who is James Barnes? Everything We Know About Y/N Y/L/N’s New Beau

Skimming one of the articles, he was impressed at how much information they’d managed to get without actually getting anything from you or him. Born in Brooklyn, disabled Army veteran, worked a list of odd jobs before becoming your driver and bodyguard. ‘No social media presence, prefers to keep a low profile’ one of them said; you can say that again, Bucky chuckled to himself when he read it.

He found another from People and didn’t particularly appreciate that it spent half the time going through all your past exes and rumored partners (turned out ‘rumored’ is a fancy word for ‘a bunch of fans deluded themselves so hard that it somehow turned into news without any proof necessary’). But he still smiled when he got to the part that was actually about you and him.

‘The relationship is pretty new but they’re so happy together,’ a source close to the couple reported.

Close indeed; that statement came from your publicist, who he’d never even meet.

‘He’s a very private guy and she’s got this huge following, so they’re sort of an odd couple in that way, but she knows her fans are respectful and will let them have their own life outside of the spotlight.’

Bucky wasn’t sure that the respectfulness of fans was such a given here, but he hoped you were right. To be fair, they’d been very sweet on your original post insofar.

However, when he scrolled to the bottom of the celebrity magazine articles and realized they had their own comments section, he discovered that they were a little less forgiving than the ones on your Instagram.

Is this the best she thinks she can do? So sad tbh :(

a military guy…. yikes, she could get any guy she wants and she goes for a murderer.

He looks like a hobo that found a coupon for a free haircut lol

I don’t buy it, I know she’ll always love Pietro!

Pietro being your former co-star that so many of your fans were convinced was actually your soulmate. From what he’d heard from you, those speculations had made things so uncomfortable between the two of you that it killed your friendship. Those were nothing, though, compared to the comments about someone you actually had dated.

she’s obviously not over sam… they were so good together

He’d better watch out for her ex, he still likes tweets about her and they have so much chemistry

Wait, she’s not still with Sam Wilson?? I could’ve sworn they’d been dating for, like, five years.

You were scrolling through your phone with a smile as you walked past where he was sitting on the couch, and he just couldn’t help himself from asking even though he knew it wasn’t the best idea. “Do I need to worry about this Sam thing?” he blurted out, trying to play it cool and not sound too anxious. “People are really obsessed with you two…”

“Sam and I…” you sighed, staring off into space for a second. He made himself anxious imagining what you were thinking about in that moment. “I haven’t talked to him in… years? I think it’s just because our relationship was so public that people are still talking about it. And it had a lot of gossip material— we did a movie together, people thought it was sweet that we got together during production, it was great promotion for the picture… and from the outside, we made a lot of sense for each other. But he has his own problems. I loved him, but… he wasn’t ever going to be a one-girl kinda guy.”

“But you’re not just any one girl. You’re… you know, you,” he emphasized.

“You’ve been reading too many headlines,” you shook your head as you sat down beside him. “Please don’t turn into one of those guys who thinks of me as a celebrity first. Before that—” you pointed to your own name where it was bolded on his screen in the trending topics page of Twitter— “was popping up on movie posters and in gossip magazines, it was just my name. And I’m not perfect. Not even close.”

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him and holding you tightly. “And before I knew you were famous, or rich, or incredibly talented, I was totally obsessed with you just for who you are.”

“You’re too fucking amazing,” you sighed as you held his face and gave him a gentle kiss— the kind of kiss that instantly melted his heart and banished his worries. When you pulled back and looked up at him with a smile, it was like everything else just… faded away. “Don’t read the comments, okay? None of them matter.”

He smiled and brushed his thumb over your cheek, overwhelmed by not only the softness of your skin but of your spirit as well. In all his life he’d never been handled so… gently, with so much care. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he mumbled, not even really realizing he’d said it aloud until you gave him a beaming smile.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” you giggled pridefully.

“Seriously? I can… very easily believe it,” he scoffed.

“I just mean… you’re so…” you searched for the words. “You’re actually good to me, that’s the thing. I’m not used to that.”

“You deserve the world,” he assured. “I’m just gonna keep trying to give you as much of it as I can find.”

He watched his hand trail over your face, down your neck and to your chest where he played with the hem of your t-shirt.

"It's odd to know there are millions of people who are jealous of me,” he admitted quietly, remembering some aggressive comments from some very angry dudes who had apparently also watched your nude scene a few too many times.

"Do you like it? Do you like how it feels to know you're making them angry every time you touch me?"

"Couldn't care less," he refuted. "Nobody else matters when I'm touchin' you."

“Do you maybe wanna… touch me a little more about it?” you smirked, opening your legs slightly in invitation.

“Always.”

Bucky had, thankfully, not let the newfound fame get to his head. In fact, he had demanded that the two of you hunker down in the house, since he feared that going out would lead to being recognized. What he apparently hadn’t anticipated was that that might not be enough.

“Will you get that?” you requested when the gate buzzed, too wrapped up in the book you were reading to answer the intercom.

He hopped up and held down the button to communicate with the gate speaker. “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve got a delivery from Anjappar Chettinad on 23rd?”

Bucky didn’t even reply before hitting the green button and granting access to the driveway. BEEP BEEP BEEP! you heard the gate signal its opening, and the car pulling around up to the door. Bucky didn’t open it until there was a knock, greeting the delivery guy with a smile and the necessary cash.

“I’ve got a lamb korma, hyderabadi mutton dum biryani and an order of— woah,” the man suddenly stopped, staring at Bucky’s face. “Are you—?’

“Hungry? Yes,” he frowned.

“You’re the guy dating— holy shit, congrats man,” he beamed, smacking Bucky on the shoulder pridefully before leaning in with a mischievous smirk. “Say, is she a freak or what?”

“She is,” you piped up from the couch, making both men turn their heads; but one was chuckling while the other looked mortified. “You better not have forgotten my paneer pakora or I’m gonna chain you up and whip you.”

“Uh, I— no, I got it right here,” he promised weakly, handing the bag over to Bucky and starting to dash away before Bucky grabbed his arm, making the smaller man whimper fearfully.

“You forgot the money,” Bucky reminded him gruffly, stuffing the bills into the driver’s front pocket.

Finally, he let go, and the delivery man instantly pulled away, rubbing his arm and looking a bit like a kicked puppy as he went back to his car and drove away.

“You didn’t need to scare him that bad,” Bucky chuckled.

“I could say the same to you! Grabbing somebody with the metal arm like that will put the fear of God into them pretty fast.”

“I didn’t mean to grab him that hard,” he admitted, examining the prosthetic hand as he came back to the couch with the bag of food, handing it to you while he focused on watching his motorized fingers curl and uncurl. “I think I need to get this thing recalibrated… it’s been bugging out lately.”

“I dunno, it was working just fine last night,” you smiled, remembering how delightfully cool those fingers felt inside you.

Bucky seemed to miss it entirely, though, as he stared off into space. “I can’t believe I got… recognized.”

“You’re a star,” you winked. “And not just with random delivery drivers. I’ve had a lot of press requests, everybody wants to be the first one to get nice pictures of us together— we’ve had a dozen event invites as a couple.”

“Seriously?!” he scoffed, snapping back to reality slightly enough

“Yeah, and look what came in same-day mail this morning!” You leaned over to shuffle through the mail on the side table before finding and handing him a letter in a gold-embossed envelope, watching him read what you knew was inside.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association extends an invitation to Y/N Y/L/N and James Barnes to the annual Grant Banquet in support of the Young Artists Fund.

“It seems like a good first event for us,” you explained. “Relatively small and low stakes, it’s for a good cause…”

“Are you sure I’m ready to be, you know… seen? By people?”

You scoffed, hardly believing how insecure he could be sometimes. “You look great, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Will I have to talk to anybody other than you?” he asked, grimacing as if that were a form of brutal torture.

“Probably,” you admitted.

His frown deepened. “What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I’m not that worried about you,” you smirked. “You’re a lot better at this stuff than you think you are.”

“I don’t have anything to wear…”

You smirked, a little too proud of yourself, when you remembered the email your publicist had forwarded to you just this morning. “Hugo Boss will pay you $1500 to wear one of their suits on the carpet.”

“They’ll pay me to wear free clothes?” he repeated with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s one of the cooler things about fame,” you laughed. “I make a grand every time I wear this watch outside!”

“I guess I should send them my measurements then…” he trailed off. “Any chance I can get in on that watch deal?”

“No, but you can make $50 by getting papped at Jamba Juice.”

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck as he thought. “Is the smoothie comped?”

“I don’t know. Do you want me to ask?”

“...kinda…” he admitted with a shy smile.

“Well, I will, and I’ll RSVP to this invite saying we’ll be there next week,” you decided as you started to open up the food, but Bucky stopped you by reaching for your hands.

“Are we really doing this?” he asked.

“If you want to,” you mitigated.

“Of course I do. I guess I have to accept that you’re actually willing to be seen with me,” he chuckled. “It’s just sort of hard to believe.”

You leaned in and kissed him; it was meant to be a casual, reassuring peck but he held you closer and you melted into him, moaning softly at his touch as you started to climb into his lap.

“The food’s gonna get cold,” he reminded you with a mumble against your lips.

Unfortunately, your literal hunger was a bit too strong to ignore, even with the growing intensity of a metaphorical hunger for Bucky. “Alright,” you relented, getting off of him and returning your attention to the meal on the table. “Just know that I really, really want to be seen together, in public, just in case anybody missed the news about us already. I’m not embarrassed by you or afraid you’re going to do something dumb. I…”

One of those words that can’t be unsaid started to bubble up in your throat and you coughed, banishing the thought.

“I really like you. I think we have something special.”

He smiled gently, giving you one more kiss on the cheek. “I think so, too.”

Since this was slightly less of a big deal than a premiere or press tour, you had managed to convince your styling team to let you dress yourself, which was why he was laying on the bed and talking to you through the bathroom door while you put on your gown.

“Do you want me to hire a new driver?” you prompted him, voice muffled slightly as he imagined your head covered in the fabric, trying to navigate through the dress. “I don’t want you to feel… I don’t know, like a servant?”

“A servant? You’re still paying me,” he reminded you. “You are still paying me, right?”

“Yes,” you laughed, “but still, I would hate it if you felt like staff. You’re my boyfriend!”

(His heart still fluttered every time you said it.)

“No new driver,” he decided. “I can drive just fine, and considering how things went between us… let’s not open the door for anybody else,” he smirked, making you laugh in that way you did when he made a stupid joke but you still liked it somehow.

“Okay, sure, but what about being my bodyguard? Is that too weird?” you continued.

“God no,” he scoffed, “if anything I’m gonna be better at my job than ever. As your boyfriend, keeping you safe is my job, but since keeping you safe was already my job… it’s, like, doubled-up now.”

He lost his train of thought when you opened the door.

“How do I look?” you asked as you stepped in and gave him a spin in your new dress. Your whole body was draped in red silk, with the exception of your back which was almost entirely exposed, as if it were begging him to run his fingers down your spine.

“Like everything I ever wanted,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

And it was so odd that you questioned his desire to drive you, because those moments where he could steer with one hand and rest the other on your thigh, when he could catch a glimpse of you looking out the window at the city rolling by, when he got to listen to you ramble about something to kill the time during a drive; those were his favorite moments, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After a relatively brief trip, you arrived at the venue, and all of a sudden he was doing what he’d fantasized about more than he’d like to admit: escorting you down a red carpet. It was almost overwhelming— yelling, chattering, reporters speaking into camera, flashes going off in every direction—

“Hey,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to his cheek and instantly taking all his attention.

“Hey,” he returned.

“Just follow my lead,” you instructed.

“That was the plan.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n

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mp100fanworkstranslation · 4 years ago

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The Spirits and Such Patisserie: Part 3

PART 1 IS HERE

PART 2 IS HERE

The original comic is here: https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/62284042

Newspaper captions: Seasoning City News Paranormal Activity? Self Proclaimed Psychic Rei ---- cuts off

Ekubo: You sure about closing that store?

Reigen: I feel like this place suits me better.

Ekubo: You say that, but you can’t deny that the patisserie made a lot of money.

Ekubo: If possible, don’t you want to continue that business?

Reigen: Give it a rest

-Door Opens-

Reigen: Welcome! eh?

Reigen: Well that’s unusual… why are you here? If you’re looking for Mob, he’s still at his club right now.

Ritsu: I know

Reigen: ...? Then did you leave something here?

Reigen: Wait... what do you have there? Is....Is that chocolate?

Reigen: You just want to rub it in don’t you? You here to show me what actual acceptance looks like yeah?! Caption: What is with him?

Reigen: Ekubo.....Someday I’ll be just like that spirit from the other day.

Ekubo: ...You

Ekubo: You didn’t get anything at all? Not even a small gesture of a gift? (A non-romantic small gift to show that people care.)

Reigen: No! Stop hurting me!!

Ritsu: Mr. Reigen

Reigen: What? Kid, if you’re here to gloat, why don’t you just go? There’s no need for this insult to injury.

Ritsu: This isnt something I received.

Reigen: Eh?

Ritsu: I just feel that if you died without ever receiving anything.... any gift to show that the people around you care about you, that would be really sad.

Ritsu: ....Thank you.

(The “You” that he uses here is very respectful and not something he’s ever used before to refer to Reigen. It’s an acknowledgement of “Hey, you’re older and wiser and not terrible.”) Ekubo: Be that as it may, Reigen

Ekubo: Congrats. Now you’re not going to become an evil spirit.

Reigen: What are you talking about eh?

Reigen: And what’s this?

Ekubo: Probably Chocolate

Reigen: Eh? Really? Is this a joke? Is it really chocolate? Why would he give it to me?

Ekubo: It’s because of that thing yesterday

Reigen: I wish he’d said something

(See note about Giri Chocolate in Part 2)

-The Next Day-

Reigen: Oi! Ritsu!

Ritsu: I got your text. Did you need something from me?

Reigen gives him a gift

Ritsu: What’s this?

Reigen: It’s a return gift for the chocolate you gave me yesterday

Ritsu: Well, you didn’t have to

Reigen: Ah it’s fine. This is just how gift exchanges work.

Ritsu: Can I open it?

Reigen: Of course

Reigen: At first I wasn’t sure what to give you. I thought about it really hard and even asked Mob for advice.

Ritsu: You asked my brother?

Ritsu thinks: You know.... maybe he’s not so......

Reigen: But! Then I decided that this would be something you’d really appreciate.

-Ritsu feels a little nervous-

Tofu?

Ritsu: ..................

Reigen: Well, I heard you like tofu so....It comes packaged in shredded wood fiber.

I got it this morning, It’s freshly made. Ritsu: YOU ARE SO DISSAPPOINTING!!

Reigen: What why? You dont like tofu?

Ritsu: I DO like tofu but that’s not the point!

Ritsu wanted to shout No! You’ve got it backwards at the top of his lungs.

>>This is somewhat of a cultural inside joke. In Japan, when someone gets out of prison it's typical for them to receive gifts of tofu. Tofu is a very bland, and a palate-cleansing food. So it represents getting rid of bad impressions and starting off on the clean slate. Not eating the tofu is bad luck because it means you'll return to your old ways. But he's not saying "hey let's put our differences aside and start over", because it's actually a directional gift. So because he's giving it TO Ritsu, what he's really saying is "Hey you were an asshat before, but I forgive you. Let's start afresh from now on, cleanse your palate and your soul. I'm willing to overlook how much you hated and disrespected me in the past, to forgive and forget." Which honestly is just like the glorious douchebag that he is. So of course Ritsu is angry, and Reigen plays it off like "hey what you don't like tofu?"<<

Artist’s Comment: I wanted to draw something with a Valentines day feel. Here’s a comic in which the Spirits and such office runs a pastry shop in response to a request to exorcise spirits.

After I finished, I realized that it became a story of an adult who is not accustomed to being cared about and a child who is not accustomed to being protected. I like Reigen, the patron saint of middle school students.

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #reigen arataka #Reigen #shou suzuki #shigeo kageyama #ekubo #ritsu #teruki hanazawa

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katsukizu · 5 years ago

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SasuNaru Manga Moments Master Post

*MAJOR Naruto & Shippuden Spoilers ahead!

It’s long... You’ve been warned. These boys don’t shut up about each other.

These are not necessarily in time order. My captions for pics are above what they reference.

FIRST OF ALL... They are BEST FRIENDS

Naruto has IDOLIZED him for the entire series

They make each other STRONGER

Naruto is INSANELY protective

And Sasuke is too!!!! Honestly, probably more protective than Naruto... Literally 100% ready to die and give up his revenge to save Naruto

I mean seriously.... He would’ve like fallen 20 feet and been fine Sasuke not even Kakashi tried to grab him

SO PROTECTIVE! I think it’s worth it to note that at this moment Sasuke is BADLY injured. Like Die in 20 Minutes if he Doesn’t Go to the Hospital Injured and he STILL absorbed the majority of the blow for Naruto... Even though Naruto would’ve been FINE

Even as kids they couldn’t help but smile when they saw each other

These 2 hold hands almost as much as they stare at each other

Kurama expose his ass

Orochimaru: Why don’t you think of me sasuke? if i was blond would u?

Naruto has 1 thought on the brain and it’s his emo bf

Sasuke has 1 thought on the brain and its his peppy bf

Honestly do they even see other people besides each other?

Bonus: This is how Sasuke flirts

Theres a war going on rn boys I mean-

Naruto’s never ending patience and love for Sasuke is saint worthy

Like Naruto literally keeps his headband safe for him for over a DECADE if that isn’t true faith in your heart i don’t know what is

He wishes on a star for Sasuke you just can’t make this shit up

This manga cover KILLS ME

We get so much Protective Sasuke during the war... good fucking food

The ENTIRE War Arc is just SasuNaru - you GOT Sasuke, Naruto??

Team work!!!

Speaking of teamwork: their most powerful jutsu’s F U S E i mean when does that HAPPEN??!?!?! (right to left)

Look how cute and smiley they are afterwards too LOL they missed each other sm

Speaking of fusing: WHAT THE F U C K

They bicker like a married couple I swear

Sage of Six Paths(the literal GOD OF NINJA) really said SasuNaru RIGHTS

Y’all just had a fight stop looking like you want to raise a family with each other

Naruto’s inner monologue: How does Sasuke like his eggs in the morning?

Speaking of their final fight, Sasuke get’s so sappy good lord

So does Naruto though so it’s okay-

After their fight... I have no words for this, they do it for me.

They are... soul mates. Legitimate reincarnations destined to be together by fate it is CANON. They are two halves of a whole and they have the matching marks to prove it.

Congrats you made it to the end!

#sns #sasunaru #narusasu #sasunarusasu #sasuke uchiha #naruto uzumaki #uchiha sasuke #uzumaki naruto #naruto spoilers #naruto shippuden spoilers #naruto #naruto shippuden

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ivyaugustetc · 4 years ago

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CONGRATULATIONS!!! you deserve all 200 and so so much more!! for the celebration, could i get 🥰 and 🍯 for characters in dead poets society? thank you so much and congrats again!! <3

🥰 — ugh i love you a lot. i feel like i go to your blog whenever i’m searching for josh charles content?? i don’t know if it’s the pfp or just that one picture of him you have posted with the caption “pretty”, but it never fails to bring me back. i feel like you’re such a sweet person who deserves the world?? like i feel like you’d be the friend who might be a tad quiet at first but then when you become friends they’re immediately the sweetest and most loyal person ever. also you’re a ravenclaw and i’m a hufflepuff so i think we’re destined to be friends?? also your blog name is a newsies reference so you’re automatically awesome, love the ben cook reference. alright for your song i’m gonna say cherry bu harry styles because it’s all sweet and soft and that’s how I see you!

🍯 — i fully casted my mutuals on an earlier post, but i think i would cast you as either ginny or knox (nice, sweet knox, not creepy knox) because i feel like you’re a genuinely good friend and also maybe a hopeless romantic like me?? i don’t know i think i make a lot of assumptions based off of people’s blogs so correct me if i’m wrong.

i am so so grateful for you, thank you for being my friend!! <333

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hobeymakar · 5 years ago

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Touch | C. Makar

Words: 2,218

A/N: Title for this one is from the song Touch by Little Mix. This one takes place during the current COVID-19 crisis and the current uncertainty of next season.

Warnings: Explicit language, sexual content, mentions of alcohol use

You're in the living room of the Denver apartment, trying to remain as quiet as possible as Cale is setting up his video for the NHL Awards. Being a finalist for the Calder is huge and you're beyond proud of him. Whether he wins or loses, you know this won't define his career and he's gonna achieve bigger and better things in his career.

He's set up right in front of the balcony door and sitting down and waiting to be invited to the video call by the league.

"Good luck baby and no matter what you're always a winner in my book," you inform him, blowing him a kiss.

"Thanks baby," he smiles, blowing a kiss back.

You turn your attention back to your phone and try to calm down your own nerves. It's possible you might be more nervous than he is about this award presentation.

The time eventually comes for the award presentation and Cale's name gets called and he gets brought into the video call. You internally scream in excitement and can't help but message your friends and family that your boyfriend is a Calder Trophy winner.

He gives his acceptance speech, managing to be cuter and more humble than he's ever been. He answers the questions Gretzky has for him and then gets off the video call as they have to move on to the next award.

As soon as he ends the call and moves the stuff out of the way, you jump on him.

"I'm so proud of you baby! You worked so hard for this and you deserve it!" you cry out, kissing his cheeks to watch them become even more red.

"Thank you, baby. I couldn't do it without you supporting me every step of the way," he smiles, kissing your forehead.

"Alright, go call your family while I make dinner," you say, letting him go.

You walk to the kitchen and start working on something special for him. It's the offseason so he's allowed a little more leeway on what he can eat, as long as he doesn't go overboard and eat too much food that interferes with his nutrition plan. You hear him on facetime with his family and you honestly couldn't be prouder of your fiance.

You start playing your music softly on your phone as you prepare the meal for the two of you. After a while, he comes out of the room and smells the food being made.

"Smells great in here babe," he smiles, sneaking up from behind you and snaking his arms around your waist. "What are you making?"

"It's a surprise. So why don't you go play some warzone or something and I'll call you out when the food is ready," you suggest, wanting him to be surprised.

"But I wanna stay out here with you," he protests with a pouty face.

"Alright you big baby, you can stay here," you giggle.

He sits down on the stool on the kitchen island and decides to recount his entire conversation with his parents and his brother.

"Is Taylor back on the ice yet?" you ask, referring to his little brother who's entering his final year of junior with the Brooks Bandits.

"I mean he's been skating but they still haven't announced when the season is gonna start and you know that he won't be playing at UMass until next year," he explains.

"Tell him I said to keep his chin up and that he's gonna have his season eventually," you reply.

The conversation switches to your family and how they're doing. The song Best Part by H.E.R. & Daniel Caesar comes on.

"That's our song," he smiles, recognizing the intro.

"You remember that?" you ask, cringing internally.

"As if I could ever forget you drunkenly telling me this is gonna be our wedding song and how I'm gonna need to know all the words," he teases, getting up from the seat.

"Oh my god, I thought you forgot about that! I didn't actually mean that!" you groan in embarrassment, as he takes your hand in his.

"Drunken words are sober thoughts, baby," he teases, swaying you to the beat of the song.

He starts singing along to the song, shocking you.

"You actually learned the song?" you ask in shock.

"You told me I had to and it's an easy song to learn anyway," he adds sheepishly.

There's no way you can love him more than you do, and yet he finds ways to make you love him more every day. Honestly, how the hell did you end up so lucky to have him in your life?

The song eventually ends and he walks back to the stool while you turn your attention back to the food.

The song Touch by Little Mix comes on and you dance along to the song, while he laughs at your moves.

"Hey, why are you laughing?!? I'm a phenomenal dancer!" you defend yourself.

"Babe, it's just funny to see you dancing while cooking," he replies, letting out a couple chuckles.

"Like your moves are better!" you scoff, shooting him a look.

"I never said mine were better," he argues back, a small smirk on his lips.

"You're lucky I love you," you reply, shaking your head.

He can be a little shit sometimes, but he's your little shit and you wouldn't change it for the world.

After 20 minutes, dinner is ready and you set up the dining table nicely.

"Thanks babe for all of this," he smiles, taking in the dinner setup.

"You're welcome. It's the least I could do for you. I know we normally would've been in Vegas with your family celebrating, but I figured this is the least I could do. 2020 is all about rolling with the punches," you explain.

"I don't know how I would've made it through everything this year without you," he confesses.

"I know. I'm pretty amazing," you tease, a lil smirk on your face.

You settle into small talk as you eat and after a while, you both finish eating. You both clean up the table and put away the leftovers. You load the dishwasher as Cale sets up to play warzone with Taylor in the living room.

"Babe, I'm gonna take a shower," you inform him.

You go to the room and grab your things to shower. You get into the bathroom and put your music on shuffle. You get undressed and into the shower, washing your body and hair thoroughly. You dry yourself off thoroughly and go through your self-care routine. You then go into the room and change into a new set of underwear, an Avs Cale jersey, and UMass Minutemen sweatpants. You go to the bathroom and blowdry your hair. You then come out to see Cale still playing warzone with a headset on.

You walk over to the couch and sit beside him and he barely even notices, hyper focused on the game. You take out your phone and take a video of the game and caption it with "ready to be ignored all night" and send it to your friends, who laugh at you and tell you to just leave him alone.

You try to entertain yourself by scrolling through your social media feeds, but even that gets boring after 20 minutes. You snuggle into his side and see he doesn't even move, still focused on playing.

You decide to just let him have his fun, since it's his night anyway and go to the kitchen to bake, since it always manages to put a smile on your face. You decide making a cake will be the best thing for you and it'll kill a couple hours. So you get all the ingredients out and get to work. You put your music back on and get focused on the baking. You put the cake in the oven and start working on putting the frosting in the pipers to be able to write on the cake. Once the cake comes out of the oven, Cale comes out to the kitchen.

"You finished playing?" you ask him, as he walks up to you.

"You're wearing my jersey," he points out, kissing you.

"Yeah you would've noticed it earlier if you weren't so busy playing with Taylor," you tease, getting the pipers ready.

"Well I already finished playing for the night," he assures you.

"Good. I like Taylor, but not when he's stealing my boyfriend away from me," you tease.

"Are you seriously making a cake for me?" he asks.

"Yes! Like I said, I feel bad that this wasn't the celebration we would've normally had. So I wanna make it up to you as much as possible," you inform him.

"I know but you don't have to do all this," he assures you.

"I know, but I want to," you smile back. "Now if you excuse me, I have a cake to decorate and I can't have any distractions."

You carefully frost the cake in Avs colors. You also carefully write "Congrats on the Calder Trophy Cale" on the cake, as well as "#8" and "Let's go Avs!" You draw little hockey sticks on the sides. All your frosting decorations are also in Avs colors, continuing the theme. You also get ice cream out and scoop them into bowls. You then set the dining table up and take pictures of Cale with the cake in front of it. You post it on your social media with the caption "Congrats on your Calder Trophy baby! Wish we could've been in Vegas to celebrate it with loved ones, but celebrating at home alone is pretty special too!" You also send it to his family with the caption "tried to make his night as special as possible for him, but we both wish you guys were here!"

You cut the cake and you two start eating it with the ice cream, trying to make the most out of the situation.

"Thank you baby for all of this! I'm so glad I get to have you by my side every step of the way. I love you," he smiles, kissing the ice cream off your lips.

"I love you more baby and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than by your side," you smile back.

You clean up the table and put the leftover cake away before adding the baking stuff to the dishwasher. Once the dishwasher is filled, you turn it on and let it wash everything. You head to the room and hear the shower running, letting you know that he's in the shower. You turn the TV on for background noise and change into one of Cale's old UMass Minutemen shirts with nothing but your underwear underneath. You get back into bed and go on your phone, checking your social media and responding to texts from your friends and family. You get comfortable as you get sucked into watching some trashy reality TV show that you've never seen or heard of before.

Before you know it, Cale walks back to the room still a little wet from the shower and with his towel hanging loosely off his hips. He quickly finishes drying himself off and changes into nothing but boxers. He turns off the ceiling light and turns on the lamp instead.

"What are you watching?" he asks, not recognizing the show.

"I don't know, some trashy ass reality tv show. I just turned on the TV and this was on," you explain.

"Wanna watch a movie?" he asks.

"Sure as long as it isn't something boring or terrible," you reply.

You switch over to Netflix and you let him choose the movie. He makes his selection and you're pleased to see it's not something you would hate. The two of you watch the movie until you fall asleep.

The next morning, you wake up to Cale's morning wood poking your butt, which isn't necessarily unwelcomed. You turn over and wake him up by pinching his nipple.

"Ow what the fuck?" he groans, opening his eyes.

"Good morning," you kiss him sweetly, like you didn't just pinch his nipple super hard.

"You're a menace," he groans, as you straddle his waist.

"Yeah yeah yeah, you still love me though," you tease.

He kisses you to shut you up and you definitely do shut up. The kisses become more intense and desperate and he starts lifting up your shirt, noticing the Avs colored underwear you have on.

He groans like he just blocked a shot on the PK and he doesn't know if he wants to keep the shirt on or off of you.

"Are you trying to kill me?" he groans.

"Maybe," you giggle, loving the reaction you've gotten out of him.

He eventually makes up his mind and fucks you with the UMass shirt on because he's secretly into seeing his name on you. Afterwards, you two lay in bed and bask in the afterglow. You then get up and put on the UMass shirt again and head off to make him breakfast, as he quickly follows behind you.

Yeah, it wasn't the celebration you planned on having, but you managed to make the most of it, just you two in your own little world, in your Denver apartment.

#nhl writing #hockey imagine #nhl imagines #nhl players #colorado avalanche #hockey #cale makar #cale makar imagine

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liesoverthec · 4 years ago

Note

congrats on your follower milestone!!! that's so exciting. i appreciate SO MUCH all the hard work you put into your screen time posts and i've referred to your resource posts time and time again while writing or discussing meta with people. THANK YOU SO MUCH for being so wonderful <33 if you'd like, my edit tag is: #edits by cinematicnomad and my AO3 username is: cnomad 😊😊

KATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 💛

Ah babe, you got it! I'm DELIGHTED to reblog your stuff 🥰 how would you like me to reblog your fics?? I can do a post that you've already made yourself (I would just need to know what tags you've used so I can find it!), I can use the share button on AO3 and @ you so you get credit, I can do whatever you want! Either way I'll get all your stuff set up for Tuesdayyyyyyyy 💛

My compliment for you: Okay well one - I think you are SO GODDAMN TALENTED w your gifs. They are so clear, they are lighted and brightened and sharpened and whatever else y'all gif makers do SO WELL, like I can SEE their expressions and they're vibrant, and the whole thing is just SO PROFESSIONAL! Maybe this is weird to say but I love the way you like, caption them. It just looks so sharp. And then two!!!! I really, really, really admire the way you talk about your own life. Obvs Tumblr is a form of social media and maybe you're not sharing your true life, but from what you DO share, I really get this impression that you value good things in your life - like sharing pics of the beautiful morning light, or the tea pot you bought that you love, or how great your hair looked today (and lbr IT LOOKS AMAZING YOU'RE SO CUTE). I love your personal posts bc they truly are a little bit of joy that you've chosen to share w us, and it just! You're lovely Kat!

Lots of love!!!!

-💛🐝

#b celebrates ??????? followers #asked and answered #kat i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu #you are genuinely so kind to me #every time you mention that you've used a resource ive put together it literally makes me so damn happy #you are SUCH a joy

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phantomphangphucker · 5 years ago

Text

Legless On Maim Chap. 10: Epilogue: Aliens, Ghosts, And Humans! Oh My!

Vee’s a bastard, Danny’s a bastard, Eddie’s a bastard, ClockWork’s a bastard, Lewis’s a bastard; everyone’s a bastard. And multiple minor characters say why the fuck not and join the bastardly fray.

Danny sighs and turns his head back towards the kitchen, “Lewis! Come collect your monsterfucker boy toy!”. Eddie rolls his eyes like he’s heard this a fair few times.

Lewis walks over, “Eddie? Really? I mean one, kid’s not healed. Two-”, grinning, “-thanks for winning me a bet”, and side-eyeing Danny.

Danny points at him, “hey, doesn’t mean-”. Eddie doesn’t even let him finish that, smirking, “oh it does mean”. Danny sighs and hands Lewis what he thinks is a twenty though really? He’s kinda amused. Smirking at Eddie, “congrats, first dude to ever figure things out on their own”.

Sam shakes her head grabs everyone but Lewis and drags them out of the house. Lewis shakes his head, sips at his drink, and heads back over to his friends; Danny could handle Eddie.

Eddie blinks as they stop getting dragged by the goth, “are you serious kid? You look nearly identical with the glowy bullshit edited out”.

Sam smirks, “people are stupid and Danny’s a walking existential crisis”, looking to Tucker and Danny, “so much for Vampire Dad 2 I’m guessing?”.

Danny immediately points at them, “no you go, illegally record it or some shit”.

Tucker rolls his eyes, “you just don’t want us around Mr. Murders And Eats People without checking him out”.

Literally both Eddie and Danny respond with, “hey and I’m taken”.

Tucker blinks, “okay that was fucking weird”, while Danny and Eddie side-eye each other. Sam shakes her head and pulls Tucker off, knowing damn well Danny will just become a ball of overprotective.

Eddie shouts after them, “let it be known! We don’t eat kids!”. Which makes Danny wheeze when some dude at a stoplight shouts back at them, “good! I’m supposed to be getting my mom some blue hydrangeas from the goth! Doubt I can get then from a digested corpse!”.

Eddie mumbles, “everyone in this town is fucking weird”, looking to the side, “shut the fuck up bitch”. Which just makes Danny laugh more. Eddie looks to him, “anyway, you smell fucking weird and those are the most convincing fake leg crap ever”, sighing, “no, we’re not taste-testing”.

Danny snorts and kicks a rock as they start walking randomly, “actually totally do, I’m curious and, I’ve got legs for days”, and slides his hand down his leg with mock sexiness.

“Do you have a death wis-”, before going wide-eyed and suddenly getting bodily flung into Danny, “no! I don’t think he’s serious!”, regardless they end up in a bush with Danny muttering ‘ow’ and missing a bit of shoulder.

Danny stands himself up easily -a bush is by far not the worst thing he’s been bodily shoved into- and rolls his shoulder, Vee’s got some sharp teeth. Damn. Eddie untangles himself and staggers up, making some faces and muttering, “that’s it, no Lindor for you”. Danny lifts an eyebrow when a little black oily snake or something just sprouts out of the guys' shoulder, seemingly sneering all teeth, “HE OFFERED EDDIE”. Eddie grabs the head? and shoves them at his shoulder muttering, “back in, bitch”.

Danny starts wheezing as Eddie looks to him, “also you- oh”, turns back to the bush and promptly throws up. Making Danny fall on his ass laughing, so much for can eat anything! Snapping a probably not flattering pic of the guy bent over a bush, captioning it ‘guess who’s inedible’, and throws it in the Phantom chat.

Eddie hacks a bit, hands on his knees. Wiping his mouth, “ugh”, blinking down at the weird black/green bubbling sludge on the ground, that was slightly dissolving the bush leaves, “what the Hell are you made outta, kid?”.

Danny laughs loudly, “death!”. Laughing more at the little black snakehead popping out of the guys' neck and sticking out their tongue at him; he thinks they look either disgusted or slightly ill.

Eddie rights himself and quirks an eyebrow at Danny’s totally healed shoulder, “fuck you heal fast”.

Danny chuckles some more, standing up off the sidewalk and giving his shoulder a little pat, “Lewis lied, I’m completely healed. Family just don’t know. And to actually answer your question, ectoplasm and human stuff too”, pointing at the bush, “but that was probably the ecto”.

“Well I guess I ain’t eating fucking ghosts anytime soon”.

“JUST SPIT DON’T SWALLOW”. Danny wheezes more at the little head and Eddie looks to them, “the Internet was a mistake”.

“BUT WHERE WOULD YOU WATCH POR-”. Eddie smashes them against his skin, “no! He’s actually a minor. And we’re in public, asshole”. Looking to Danny, “how the fuck were you in Egypt though?”.

Danny shrugs, “eh, I’m tight with the god of time”. Eddie blinks and mutters to the side, “fuck me”. Danny chuckles, “no?”, which Eddie actually laughs at.

Eddie looks around, “alright, since someone made me lose my perfectly fine lunch, there a hotdog stand or some shit?”.

Danny snorts, “no clue if you’re referring to me or Vee”, tilting his head, “huh, that rhymes”, smirking, “cool”, looking back at Eddie, “if it’s food you’re after then the Nasty Burger’s the place”.

Eddie tilts his head and shrugs, “eh you made us eat at a place called fucking Flavours Of Negros ‘cause you thought they served people”. Danny decides against commenting on that one for so many reasons.

Danny walks and points in the direction of the place, “if it’s anything, it used to be the Tasty Burger before someone stole the T”.

Eddie quirks an eyebrow, “that explains nothing”.

Danny shrugs, “there was a public vote and adults hated how all the teens loved the place. One mayor even banned teens from there”.

“Oh the stinking rich one that’s definitely shady as fuck and is kinda like you but for some reason is rocking some vampire bullshit?”.

Danny pauses and blinks at the guy, what the fuck? “How the- okay I get how you figured me out, I literally challenged and baited you. But how the fuck did you put Vlad and Plasmius together?”.

Eddie gives a goofy grin, a very smug one, “I didn’t, but thanks for confirming”.

Danny grumbles, “sneaky bastard”, but is smirking the whole time, “how’d you narrow him down to Plasmius though?”.

Eddie shrugs, hands in his pockets, “ego the size of the moon and rich people are always into weird shit”, pausing and rolling his eyes, “babe, we’re an alien/human cluster fuck. We absolutely are one of them fucking rich people into weird shit”.

“There’s a lot of ways I could take that”, Danny tilts his head, “wait, you’re rich?”. What?

Eddie grins like an idiot, “Life Foundation paid me out big for infecting me with a venereal disease- I mean Symbiote”. Danny just watches as the guys' legs seemingly gain a mind of their own and walks him straight into a pole.

Danny shakes his head at the guy not even seeming phased by that. “Well, I got jack shit for dying”.

Eddie points at him, “so you legit straight-up fucking died? Not just falling in a vat of ghost acid like some fucking spooky Joker bullshit, but less ‘murder a bitch in a burning pile of cash’ more ‘I actually think spandex looks good like a damn fool’”.

“Hey, don’t diss the supersuit! That shit’s my skin man”, shrugging, “at least a layer of it. I fucking died in that shit. On that note, don’t walk into giant vortex tunnel portals to alternate dimensions fuelled by four billion volts of electricity built by explosion prone people who leave switches inside stuff and want to punch holes into the afterlife for funsies, science, and a little bit of mild torturing”.

“Huh. Well fuck your life too then kid. Literally”, rolling his eyes, “not that literally. We don’t kill kids and I don’t think we can make someone double dead”.

Danny sticks up a finger, “actually that happens. And I’m only half-dead, motherfucker. Check yer facts”, smirking, “I’m a real dead-ringer for life, and too bad doc gave away my scraps. ‘Cause if I tossed ‘em in the portal I could really have one foot in my grave”.

“I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to do that- bitch that is exactly why our ass will never be a doctor”, almost looking genuinely offended, “hey, you leave my intellect out of this, you cunt”.

Danny wheezes a bit, does this guy really just talk like this? “How have you not been forcibly admitted to a mental asylum? And no he ain’t but can’t let torture happy gov dogs have my shit”.

Eddie grins wide at that. “You know so I give precisely zero fucks. And nice, fuck the government. I think we’ll get on fine”.

Danny snorts, “oh I have serious beef with the gov. Fuck them. I absolutely have blown up government bases before”.

Eddie nods approvingly and actually fist bumps Danny, “fucking same, and I have enough dirt on people I could ruin their lives if they came after me”.

Danny grins almost menacingly, “the government section that’s here is a literal government secret and completely ignore any and all laws. Wouldn’t put it past them to experiment on child corpses or assassinate the president if he seemed ghost friendly”, shrugging, “Tuck keeps tabs on them, dudes a damn good hacker”.

Eddie tilts his head and nods, “I could use one of those”.

Danny snapping, “not for murder you don’t”.

“You’re too moral”.

“You’re not moral enough”.

Both of them wind up laughing at that since neither actually sounded serious or genuine.

Eddie shakes his head, “anyway, what’d Dan do with your leggy bits?”, muttering to the side, “Dan doesn’t eat people, Vee, and you’re never going to convince him to try”.

Danny rolls his eyes, “gave it to a ghost, Skulker was probably tickled green to get even part of my pelt”, pointing at Eddie, “he’s a poacher. He would cry tears of joy over successfully skinning me”.

Eddie stares at him, Vee’s little head popping out and opening their mouth very wide, “WHAT THE FUCK”.

Danny smirks, he effectively freaked an alien; talk about life, or death, goals, “I have issues. Many of them. And they like to shoot at me”, glancing around at the finally clear street before full force grabbing Vee’s face, “I’ve held off but, oh my Ancients alien sofuckingcoolohmyancientsfuckingfuckyoufeelsofuckingcoolwhatsyourchemicalcompositionlike?canyoueatEddie’seyesandleakdownhischeakslikeblackmurderspacetears’causeIhadareallycooldreamaboutthatdoyouhaveanyspacerocks?ohmyAncientshowfarawayisyourspacerock?isitevenrock?orgas?floatylava!oh!oh!isitallblacklikeyou?orisblackrarecolouringforsymbiotes?redwouldberealcoolbutkindalikebloodwhichweirdrightgreenwouldbefunnycauseI’mallgreenydoyourcoloursevenmeananything?you’relikealittlevoidahungryvoidandohmyAncientsyoureyesaresocoolhowdotheywork?whatcoloursdoyousee?whatsyourfavourite?canyouseethroughEddie’seyeslikenormalhumaneyesoraretheyallenhanced?doesourplanetlookprettytoyou?andohyourteethwhataretheyyoudon‘thaveanybonewhataretheyconnectedto?wheredotheygocanyoumakeEddieallteethy?seemlikeyou’dbiteyourtongueallthetimewhichouchyourtonguelookssomuchmoredetailedhowmuchcanyoutaste?What’syourfavouritenotpeoplefoodLewissaidyou‘resuperoldsoyou’veprobablytastedsomuchshitfromallovertheuniversewhichjustlikeholyshitAncientsendmeZonecomethandgrantmesweetreliefwherehaveyoubeen?whatplanets?whataretheylike?madeoutof?thesmells!whataboutthesmells!?!yousmelllikebutterandcandiedeelandcigarettesmokewhichmustbeEddie’sfaulttellhimhe’sbadyoumustbesoconnectedthenthoughwhat’shisbodylikeversesotherspecies?whatotherspecieshaveyoubeenwith?what’stheirmusculaturlike?howdotheybreathandseeandhearandeverythinghowfarhaveyougone?whataboutallthestars?howdifferentaretheysetupelsewherearetherestarswecan‘tseehere?haveyoubeenonastar!oh!canyoueatastar?haveyou?waitwaitIforgotwhatdoyoutastelike?youbitmesotittatit’sfair”.

Eddie watches in slightly stunned disbelief as Vee desperately tries to get out of this kid’s grip but the kid's nails -claws actually?- are somehow clinging really well and he just leaves the ground and gets dragged with. Knocking everyone over again and licking? Vee. Then prodding their teeth, but that gives Vee the chance to get comfortably back inside him; feeling obviously super confused and startled.

Eddie has to practically kick the kid off him when he literally sticks his hand through Eddie’s collarbone where Vee disappeared through. “Ohthat’ssocooltheyslipthroughyourpoursandskinsuremyectoplasmdoesthattoobutit’snotanalienohmyAncients”.

Eddie stands, basically holding the kid at arm's length in the air, “Christ on a shit stick kid chill, holy shit”, muttering, “now I get why Dan said you like space with a little smirk”. It felt like the kid was literally vibrating under his skin and fuck, it just hit him how fucked up this is. He’s holding the hero of Amity Park up in the air by the waist. This kid’s got an entire year on his ass and doesn’t, like, y’ know, murder people. And the kid just went all fucking uncle tickles on Vee. “Everything you just said was unintelligible garbage”.

The kid stares at him with eyes almost painfully bright green, “you think your freaky long adult arms are gonna do shit?”, and proceeds to just make a whole ass nother half body out of his fucking shoulders. Eddie scrunches up his entire face, “I’ve never been on this end of the body horror, oh god”, as the kid's new pair of hands grab for his face.

Vee takes over going big ass Venom, because this is some bullshit, and holds Danny away with their claws by the kid’s shirt, like he’s an over-aggressive kitten. Danny just puts his hands to his face, the extra body sorta dissolving into green misty stuff, eyes sparkling, “so cool”. Which both Eddie and Vee think is a bullshit reaction.

“Howdoesthatwork?whatdoesthatfeellike?you’reinafuckingaliendudeohmyAncients”, grabs Venom’s wrist and makes some kind of weird staticky squealing noise, “ohitfeelsthesamebutmorestructuredandtheveiningislittledifferentandohyoumotherfuckeryouareablackandwhitelittlebitch”. Danny makes a few faces and talks like a normal breathing-required person, “you stole my colours bitch”.

Vee doesn’t say shit, just retreats into Eddie’s body and drops Danny; who doesn’t seem to give a damn about landing on his ass, standing back upright in seconds.

Eddie makes a bunch of faces at him, settling on just looking tired as fuck, “kid, what the fuck?”. Rubbing his face and grumbling, “I’m too sober for this shit”.

Danny chuckles, dimming his eyes some, “sorry not sorry, I like space. And Vee is an alien from space”, shrugging exaggeratedly, “sure I’ve been to space but totally not the fucking same”.

Eddie raises an eyebrow, “you’ve been to space?”.

“I can fly and don’t need to breathe, of course I’ve gone to space”, shrugging again, “sure so has my girlfriend but she has a hoverboard. And bitch yes I’m dating a ghost hunter who used to want to murder me real good. Occasionally still makes light stabs at my half-life”, smirking, “we both enjoy the little love taps”.

Eddie blinks and mutters, “well damn Dan, kid’s a mini-me... minus the murder, and probable alcoholism, and job, and probably the piss shit and vinegar childhood; heck he’s still a child-”.

Danny cuts in, “you really do just mutter to yourself in general huh? Not just to Vee”.

“You're weirder than Dan. He’s just chill chill ‘bout me having an alien up my ass, you’re enthusiastically chill. He just goes ‘huh, guess this is happening. Hi new friend, please don’t eat me’ and you’re over here like ‘let me touch theeeeeeeeem!’. Almost enough to make me regret coming mildly”.

Danny blinks, oh Hell no, “no, no taking the alien away from me. Also, Lewis is way weirder than me”.

Vee pops back out, Danny not even bothering to hide his grin, and looks at Eddie’s face, “ARE ALL HUMAN CHILDREN LIKE THIS?”.

“Hey, I’m almost seventeen I’ll have you know. That’s almost adult”.

Eddie looks at him and laughs a little, “no kid, no it’s not. I’d say twenty-four is the cutoff. And you feel like a kid too, and I don’t mean that in the human way”, scrunching his eyebrows, “and the fuck did Dan do? For you to think he’s weird. And why the fuck do you use his last name? You don’t scream pompous formal snob”.

Danny blinks, “oh! You can sense peoples ages? Or childness”, tilting his head, “sure adult ghosts can do that so you’re not special, but whatever”.

Eddie grumbles, “fuck you too buddy”. While Danny continues, “what hasn’t he done? Guy hid me in a thermos while having happy personal time with the bone saw when the government-sponsored anti-ghost militia came to abducted and probably torture me, and he hardly gave a shit. Guy doesn’t even react to ghostly supernovas. Super great dude though”.

Eddie grins, his opinion of this kid going up a few levels, “oh I know, he’s great”.

Danny nods immediately, “just the best. Totally stan”.

The conversation then becomes a solid ten minutes of just ‘Dan Lewis is just a really great dude’ and ‘I know right?’.

Danny chuckles, “and pompous snob is more my evil villain uncle’s thing. Lewis is a Lewis because Dan is an evil version of me that, like, low-key annihilated humanity once”, tilting his head, “who I’m oddly less traumatised by now. Eh, I blame Lewis”.

Eddie blinks, and Eddie thought his life was utterly fucked, “I usually blame him whenever anything goes right in my brain square”. Vee looks to him and practically screams, “STILL NOT A SQUARE EDDIE!”. Eddie aggressively shoving them back in when someone inside the building yells, “Jesus fuck!”, and sticks their head over their balcony, “oh, it’s the fucking Fenton boy. That explains it”, and disappears back into the building.

Eddie looks back to Danny, “I’m guessing you get away with a fucking lot”.

Danny shrugs, “me and my friends are the town weirdos. My parents, the town crazies”.

“Wow, you were screwed the day you were born”, shrugging as they continue walking in genuine yet again, “granted my dad liked to hit me with a shovel so fucking same”.

“Eh, mine used to be really into trying to dissect me. Liked shooting at me, but my dad’s a terrible shot. Though the little couple day torture session in the dungeon was not my idea of a good time”.

Eddie blinks, “I’m literal nightmare fuel and I’m telling you your life is a fucking nightmare. What the fuck”. Vee sticks their head out from Eddie’s jacket, “WOULD YOU LIKE THEM EATEN? WE ARE ALREADY GOING TO EAT EDDIE’S IF THEY EVER SHOW THEIR COWARD FACES”.

Danny immediately snaps, “no. Try that and I’ll impale you with a flaming shank”, and points a pointy chunk of ice that he got from somewhere at them. “My parents are great. Little bigoted, but we’re working on that. Oh and on that, they don’t know about your whole ‘alien up the ass’ situation. So maybe don’t go all chest-burster on them. Also don’t know I’m Phantom, neither does the girlfriend”.

Eddie shakes his head, “so you’ve been doing hero shit without any parents or any other fucking thing?”. Eddie thinks that’s some major bullshit.

Danny shrugs, “eh, I got some adult ghost friends and clockpops, even of I seldom see any of them”. Danny chooses to ignore Eddie aggressively whispering ‘Vee’ and ‘no’ repeatedly to the side. “Vladdie tries to be a father figure but he’s a fucking fruitloop and probably spends, like, half his time finding new fun ways to taser me or maybe he’ll try the whole ‘I’ll murder your friends and family’ schtick again”.

Vee forms half a head on Eddie’s head and basically shrieks, “THAT’S IT! WE’RE ADOPTING BABY GHOST HYBRID PREDATOR!”, and whacks Danny on the head with a tendril.

“What?!? No! ‘Ready got parents, human and ghost!”.

Eddie smirks and rolls his eyes, “too fucking bad. Not literally. They’re just saying you’re a small blob to be protected. Which like, the fuck kid, you're on par or worse than my fucked up life”.

Danny rolls his eyes, though ‘protected by an alien’ sounds fucking awesome. “I could beat the shit out of you”.

“Is that a challenge? That feels like a challenge. And Vee does get bored of smashing around squishy humans sometimes”.

Danny grumbles, “you are way too fucking cool with murder”, and shakes his head with a smirk, “Lewis told me your weaknesses. My strongest ability just so happens to be a supersonic wail. I could level a city, you ain’t winning shit. Also a pyrokinetic, so double fucked”, Danny finger guns at him and shots little blue flames out; Vee, in typical fashion, hisses.

Eddie groans and dramatically sags, though not putting any real effort into it. Trying to play off the discomfort Vee sends his way over fire being so close. “I’ll admit, the Internet is all over the fucking place on what you can do. Some seemed like some crackfic bullshit. Same goes with the theories about you. Found one group that think you’re literally bloody fucking Satan coming to deceive the youth and bring about the end of times or some bullshit. Even a shoot off that you’re determining the merit of our souls and indoctrinating humanity into peace with the dead”, waving his hand around, “and some other crap about you being death itself”, pointing at him, “the stories told around you are just as fucked and wild as us”.

Danny blinks and squints at the guy, “okay, now I’m curious because that’s disturbingly close to the truth”.

“What”.

Danny quirks an eyebrow and smirks, “what? Did Lewis not mention that? The whole prince and eventual king of the dead thing? My defeat of the previous king was kinda a big deal, especially since it got the town abducted into an alternate dimension for a bit and attacked by a skeleton army”, smirking more and shrugging, “and co-existence is defiantly a goal of mine. And kingy is considered the will of the Zone so that is pretty much being death itself. And soul judging comes with the job”, tilting his head, “more of a passive thing though”.

Eddie blinks, “yup. In over our head. My soul is probably pretty fucked”.

Danny rolls his eyes, “no clue man, I ain’t king yet and hopefully won’t be for a few hundred years”.

Eddie raises his eyebrows, “so you’re vaguely immortal? We really are too similar”.

“Oh?”, Danny’s face lights up, “oh! oh! Does Vee’s weird healing of you stop the effects of ageing? Any cells or shit that gets damaged or worn they can just rebuild, reform, or replicate?”.

Eddie gives an almost impressed nod, “yeah, how the fuck did you guess that?”.

“Dude, alien’s meat puppet? Before dying fucked my vitals and physiology I was on my way to being an astronaut. My entire family are scientists, I have my own scientific patents, and my sister’s a certified genius pioneering a new field of psychology. Ancients, Lewis is bartering to get me into med school because he wants me to work with him. And my archenemy is a hardcore mad scientist. If I was dumb and not creative, I’d be deader. Dead with a side of dead sauce”.

Eddie shrugs, “I’d say I’m a dumbass so that’s different, but while I’m a dumbass, I’m a smart dumbass”.

“Fucking same. Investigative reporter probably requires a good head and creativity”.

Eddie chuckles, “yeah, I would have died long before Vee dropped on my ass. The whole situation that led to Vee was me biting a fish bigger than I could chew”, Danny then watched him go all Sauron demon voice and have suddenly very sharp plentiful teeth, “NOW WE ARE THE BIG FISH”, and grinning all teeth,

Danny eyes the teeth and grins, “so cool”, shaking his head, “not the biggest though and no snatching my guppies”, and grins, all fangs.

Still using Eddie’s mouth, “LOOK EDDIE! IMPRESSIVE TEETH TOO! TOLD YOU, PREDATOR!”. Eddie seemingly takes back his mouth, teeth staying though, “I think I noticed, babe”, pointing at Danny, “big ass fangs you got, pretty sharp yourself”, and he has no clue why the kid is looking at him with awe and wonder; probably the alien/space thing again, which is probably going to be a running theme with this kid. Poor Vee.

Eddie gets his real answer when Danny mutters, or attempts to mutter anyway, “hoz? Wiz youvz so goovz at talkin’z? Iz canz barey fuckin’z zveekz”.

Eddie blinks, sputters, and promptly starts laughing. That explained that! The kid hadn't learned how to speak while being sixty-percent teeth yet! Hahahahhahaha. Bending over, hands on his knees and wheezing. Granted, his first time rockin’ shark teeth had been god awful and Vee had judged him so hard. Speaking of Vee, they pop out of Eddie’s jacket yet again and squint at Danny, “BABY. HASN’T EVEN LEARNED TO SPEAK PROPERLY YET”.

“Fuzz youv. Dizt”.

Eddie bursts out laughing more and has to sit down on the sidewalk, “hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha”.

“Shovz tit. Thvez nez!”, and promptly stabs his lip, which Eddie laughs so hard at that he tears up, Danny just scowls, “adulvez fanz, chilz faze; dozen worz”.

Eddie lays on the grass, “hahaha I have no idea what you said kid! Hahaha! You’re really good at the whole unintelligible garbage schtick, aren’t you. Haha”.

Danny flips the guy off, switching to ghost speak which was perfectly easy to do with his fangs, since it was all scratchy echoing warble static. Made by vibrating ectoplasm, different teeth (since each tooth had different density or number of pores or solidity), clicking his jaw, and only a small amount of actually moving his mouth, “t̵he̶͞y͏̕’̵͜r̵ȩ̴͟ ̕n̡o͢t ͜m̵̷ad̡e̷̴͢ ̵̸fo҉̶r̶͏̨ ̵E̡̛ņ̛g̸͢l͠͞įs̸͠h̸̶͟, a̸s̛͡s̷̕h͟o̸͞l̢e̕.̶ ͏̷T̵͟h̴͏e͢y’̕re͜ no̧ţ͟͜ ҉̧͜e̛v̴͟en҉ ̨̛̕ma̸̕d̶̡e̡ f͢ơ͟r̷̡ ̢f͟͢͞l̡͘e͝s̶h ͠͠a͜͡n̡̛ḑ͘ ̨͞b͏͟o҉n̢̛͘e͠,͠ ̨͘e̶͡c̛͏t̛͠o̕’̕͏s̶ al͝wa͟y̨s͢ a̸̧ ̵l̸̨i̵͝t̢͢tl҉ę̵ mor̨͝e̢ ̵̕f͜o̵͡͡r͏g͢i̷̶͞v͏i̸̴n̸g̵̢.̧͡ D҉̕ic̴k̨͢͠”, then deciding to be a real asshole and put some serious power behind it after checking no one was around,

“y̰̠ͬ̄ͭͣ̈́̚ȍ̜̹̚ú̡̖̺̘͓́̔ ͍̖͈̫̗̺̫͆ͧ͒w̛͒̀̿ī͇͊͝l̹͖̝̖̻̹̳͛̅̍̾̓͒l̯̗̻̲ͣ̄ͭ̚̕ ̧̝̻͕̈̽d̵̹ͮ͊̃̏͒i̦͎̝͔̻̭ͤͫ̎̓͂ͮ̐͡ͅe̹̝̲̠̞ ̢̬̘̈̑͐͐ͮ̄o̩͇̰̻̎ͬͨͬ̂ͮ̽ṅ͔̘͙̮͍̋͊͋e̗̳͉̽͆̚ ̙͎͍͙̠̫͘ͅḋ̗̩̱ͪͧ́ͅä̡̺̰̩̺̺͖y͉͔̞̺̦̩̣͋̇͋͆ͤ̅ ͙̭̠̩̬ͪ̄͐̉ͬ͐ḁ͆̅n̫̤̤͈̭͌̽̋̅ͨ͛̚d̦̘̬̻̹ͭ ̧͓ͤͫ̋͂̐I̴͉͍̟̪͈͗ͭ̍̎͒̋͂ ͕̘̳͇̝̤̅ͭ͋͛̃w̸̱͙͖͇̫͕̯ͫ́͌ͯ͆̊̑i̛̒̒̆̓͊̚l̼͉̩͍ͦͪͨl̲̗͍͙̲͚̖̈̍̐̈̚ ̳͍̒̆b͓̹̅ĕ̮̖̣ͨ ̪̹͉̘̉̅ͨt̛͉̲͍̖̬̩͙͐h͈̹̥̥͓͗ͣe̬r̛͖̘̺̱̥͍̆ͮͪͮ̑ͦͬe̎̆̍”.

Eddie blinks from the ground, promptly sitting the fuck up as a shiver ripples down his spine and through Vee; who instinctively hides back in Eddie, which honestly weirds Eddie out a bit. The kid smirks down at him, meaning scaring was literally the goal here. Blinking at him, “the fuck. Alright your voice is officially more frightening than Vee’s. The fuck. That sets off every bloody alarm bell, damn. I’m supposed to be the one that scares the piss outta people”, pushing himself up and staggering only a little, “well, Vee technically. Guess we’re both scary little monsters”, smirking down at the kid, “emphasis on little in your case”.

Danny pointedly retracts his fangs before speaking, “fuck you, I’m gonna be, like, seven feet tall one day”. Eddie just rolls his eyes at that, not even considering the fact that Danny is absolutely correct.

Vee pops their little head back out and immediately moves to hiss, all teeth, in Danny’s face; who hisses right back. Eddie thinks it’s like some weird asserting dominance thing. Which seems exactly like what Vee would do, gotta try to save face after going all hiding whack-a-mole. Though with the temperature dropping and what’s up with the colour palette of this town?

Symbiote and halfa stop and grin toothy at each other.

“IMPRESSIVE”.

“So cool”.

Eddie shakes his head and points at the sign in the distance, “would you look at that, I think I see your favourite poorly named restaurant in the difference”, this kid is going to inflate Vee’s ego at this point.

Vee looks back to Eddie, “YOU’RE THE ONE UP YOUR OWN ASS ENOUGH TO THINK YOU CAN APPEAR ON TV WITH KETCHUP STAINS”.

Eddie rolls his eyes, “says the alien up my ass“.

“I’LL MAKE THAT LITERAL, BITCH”.

Danny’s cheeks go noticeably red, puts up his hands startlingly fast, turns on his heels, and half shouts, “nope! Hello Nasty Burger!”, and starts walking.

Eddie chuckles and shakes his head, least the snarl-fest is over. Though feeling like they just exited a surreal pocket dimension after a bit because suddenly there are people around again, it’s warmish, the colours are normal, and leaves are falling slowly. “Your town is some weird bullshit”.

Danny laughs and grins at the guy meanly, “it’s a ghosts lair, what do you expect?”.

“The whole town? Talk about overkill”.

Danny mutters, “fuck you. Ghosts are dramatic”, as he pushes open the doors.

Eddie gives the most sarcastic, “You don’t say”, he can muster. “Sure makes driving interesting”, tilting his head and chuckling a little, “okay, yes, and fun”.

Danny snickers, flicks his hip hard enough to make a metallic ping, “guess I’m not the only one that has a hard drive”.

Eddie doesn’t get a chance to respond to that as some kid shouts, “holy Zone it’s Eddie Brock!”.

Danny tries not to laugh as Dash of all people runs over, “dude the complication videos of you bashing people’s faces in and shit are fucking legendary”.

Eddie blinks, “I like that’s what I’m known for”. And some ginger kid mutters, “I prefer his exposé”, gets up and points at Danny, whisper sneering, “I hope he exposes your ass, Phantom”, and stalks out of the restaurant.

This gets Dash to actually notice Danny’s existence, “Fentit! The Zone’s a weak loser like you doing with someone famous?”, looking Fenton up and down before smirking, “you look not dead, soooooo”, and moves to snatch that weird basketball kid’s half-empty drink off the table. He doesn’t get a chance as Valerie -who’s honestly scary as fuck- shouts, “if you even think about it I will make you eat that cup and clean the floor yourself!”. Dash puts the cup down when the manager also shouts, “and I’ll let her!”.

Danny snickers meanly and points at a clearly confused Eddie, “Oh didn’t you know? We’re friends”.

Dash snaps, “bullshit”, and shoulders his way past Danny.

Danny shouts after him, “oh I dead ass am!”. While Valerie walks over, in uniform, and hugs Danny, “Zone I’m glad to see you up and about”, grabbing his shoulders and looking him up and down, “your parents scare me”.

Eddie does know how to take a queue, ten bucks says that’s the girlfriend, and just goes up to order. On that note, the fuck is a triple death meaty mighty? I mean, he’s totally ordering that, whatever it is. “-and I’ll have whatever qualifies as strong coffee”. He’s pretty sure Danny and the girl are making out, low key but still.

The cashier glances at Danny and back to the -holy fuck this dude’s famous- Eddie Brock, “you know the Fenton kid so I’m just gonna give you what he orders. One Deathspresso”.

Eddie smirks and laughs.

‘AS BAD AS YOU, EDDIE’

Eddie’s gonna take that compliment.

‘NOT A COMPLIMENT, IDIOT’

Eddie ignores that. Watching the kid just get his ‘usual’ whatever the fuck that is.

Eddie raises an eyebrow at the girl when she joins them at a table. Not even having to ask as she goes from zero to murder a bitch in a split second, smacking a hand on the table and pointing the other at his face, “eat anyone and I’ll blow your ass up with a missile launcher. Even try to eat Danny and you’ll find me standing over you with a cattle prod”.

“Been there, done that”, and gives an award-winning sultry smirk.

Danny chuckles, “this a bad time to mention they already tried a sample?”. Eddie nearly chokes on his coffee due to one, fuck this is impressively strong. And two, the girl actually pulls out a weirdly shaped cattle prod. Danny snatches the weapon away, “we’re cool Val. ‘Parently I’m inedible”.

The girl grumbles, “fine, but I'm watching you”, and sounds aggressively serious about that. Eddie watches as Danny straight up chugs half his Deathspresso; fuck this kid’s worse than him. Which is definitely not a compliment.

Valerie turns to Danny, “so obviously you’re running your cyber stuff well, but the spooky stuff? Did you, maybe, get a spooky visitor drop in?”.

“If by ‘drop-in’ you mean fell through the ceiling laughing and mildly scaring the piss outta me, then being tail bros? Then yeah”, shaking his head and taking a few bites, “seriously, what the fuck, Val?”. Obviously he has to cover his Phantom ass.

Eddie just sips his coffee, pretending this conversation makes any sense.

Danny points to the manager who’s giving Valerie some serious side-eye, “you might want to get back to work, but first”, Danny leans over with mock sexiness, “I’m glad we started dating during this time of year”.

Valerie asks cautiously, “why”.

Danny grins, “‘cause we’re autumn mated”, and points a thumb outside at the orange trees and leaves on the ground.

Valerie sighs, “fuck you”, and shoves him through the window -which had been broken not too long ago- and into a bush. Getting up and brushing herself off before giving Eddie another threatening finger point and walking off.

Eddie tosses out the trash and walks out to watch the kid pull himself out of the bush, “I’m really fucking confused that you let people push around. Pretty sure you woulda let that jock kid dump stuff on you”. Vee sneaks their head out, “EAT THEM”.

Danny brushes off his pants, “not gonna happen”, straightening up, “if Dash spends his time beating me around then he doesn’t have time to beat up the ones that can’t handle falling twenty-something feet from a flag pole or being force-fed rotten food”.

Eddie groans, “oh god, you’ve got a fucking hero complex”, as they start heading back to the kids -really fucking weird- house.

“Lewis says you do your thing for hero-y reasons. Dishing out justice, without the mercy”, squinting at the guy, “or do you just do it for the meal”.

Eddie can practically smell the judgmental disapproval coming off the kid, “kid, no offence Vee, do you really think I’d be munching on people without my little alien hitchhiker?”, shrugging and sticking his hands in his pockets, “sure we only hunt people down when we need the meal, but I’m a thorough motherfucker; they’re always bad guys. Both guys that I would have come after anyways, minus the gratuitous murder. And guys that I couldn’t go after before on account of them probably fucking murdering me”. Danny looks like he’s actively determining his worth and truthfulness.

Danny nods after a bit, “alright, you seem believable enough. You’re the moral compass of Venom, at least it seems you actually are moral”.

“I don’t know ‘bout moral kid. The filth of the world is our prey and happily so”.

“Woah, chill your tits there Jeffery Dahlmer”, anything else Danny was going to say getting cut off by a shiver travelling through his body and a little plume of icy mist, “hold that thought, Hannibal, I’ve got a job to do”, and slips off into an alleyway.

Eddie grumbles, “like I haven’t heard that one before”, and chooses to lean against a building and finish his drink.

Not two seconds later does Eddie hear that echoey voice shout, “well looks like I’ve gone from one foodie to another! Surely you’ll find me a more flavourful delicacy! But no! You aren’t allowed to divide my existence away into servings! Though I’m certain I’m a perfect recipe for heroic tendencies!”.

Eddie watches as the black and white kid, who looks waaaaaaay less blurry in person, seemingly gets blasted out of the alley by meat? Like a legit literal floating river of meat. Eddie thinks this is already some major bullshit.

Danny dodges a meat axe, having a hard time not laughing his ass off at catching Eddie’s major ‘what the fuck’ face. The Lunchlady predictably pausing after Danny blasts apart the meatsuit -he’s gonna have to figure out where all this meat came from in the first place- with a couple well-aimed blasts. She looks him up and down, and shakes her head with a scowl, “YOU'RE STILL TOO SKINNY! Cookie?”.

Danny sighs, putting his chin in one palm, “no”.

“THEN YOU WILL FRY!”, and slams him into the ground with an oversized frying pan.

Danny just shoots a beam at her from the small crater he’s in, “the only thing I need to sweeten myself up is coffee!”.

The Lunchlady stops again and deadpans, “that’s bitter dearie”.

“Do I look like I care what my taste buds think!?! I’m Death flavoured anyway!”, floating back up, “and I think these battle flavours need the added spice of my fist!”, and promptly socks her across the jaw. Talking a bit quietly at her, “you and Boxy aren’t having issues are you?”.

She waves him off, “oh hardly”, and throws him into a building via a meat fist.

Eddie eyeballs a bit of steak that smacked into the ground with an oddly satisfying thwap. Muttering as Vee uses his leg/foot to poke it, “babe, that’s gross. Don’t eat that”. He might not have standards, but he has standards. Though if the steak wasn’t cooked Vee would probably eat it anyway.

‘YES’

The Lunchlady flies in after Danny and presents a little serving tray, taking off the lid. Danny takes the little paper while giving her some serious confused cautious eyebrows. Laughing when he sees it’s actually a bloody baby shower invite! The Lunchlady nods curtly, “I’m well aware you rather your humans not know, dearie”.

Danny nods, “truth”, and floats up, smirking, “should I bring a boxed lunch”.

She shakes her head, “I'm not going to question how you knew her name”. Danny just snickers meanly before, “surprise thermos!”, and sucks her into his thermos.

Eddie grunts, “so you seriously use a thermos? And your enemies invite you to parties? Honestly?”. Bullshit. That is bullshit.

Danny turns and looks at Eddie who’s sticking his head in through a hole, “you know, most people run away”.

“What is ghost lady gonna do? Kill me?”.

Danny blinks and wheezes, changing back human and wiggling his tail about, “we’re weirdly similar”, shaking his head, “and she would have tried once. Ghosts know better than to genuinely try to kill my humans though”, floating over to snatch up the discarded CyberSteps and reattach them, “also, I’m more like frenemies with most of my enemies”.

“You’re stupid”. Detachable robo legs were a new one but Dan had not failed to mentioned getting stab and hack happy with the kids lower half or that the kid's parents were trying, and apparently succeeding, at playing pin the legs on the teenager.

Danny points at the guy, “hey, all ghosts fight each other. It’s a little something called socialising; not that you know much about that”.

“Cut deep why don’t you. You little fucker”.

“I’m only five-four!”.

“Exactly”.

“Jerk”.

“Dick”.

Vee takes over Eddie’s mouth, “BITCHES”, apparently feeling left out.

Danny tilts his head, hearing a very particular engine, and grabs Eddie’s jacket to physically yank him to the side; just as the mini GAV -which is honestly just a reinforced minivan instead of a suped-up mini-tank monster truck hybrid thing- barrels through the wall, his dad clearly being the driver. Eddie yelping, “god fuck! Holy shit!”.

Maddie sticks her head out of the door, bazooka in hand. Lowering the weapon and clearly raising her eyebrows as she spots Danny, lifting her goggles, “oh! Sweetie!”, looking down and likely checking her scanner, “darn, missed It... them, missed them”.

Danny mutters, “they’re trying at least”, before waving at her, “hey mom, don’t worry, I’m fine”.

Eddie grumbles as he stands up, “don’t mind me, I'm good too”, only to slip on a chunk of debris and land right back on his ass.

‘MAKING US LOOK BAD, EDDIE’

Eddie grumbling, “she’s in head to toe spandex, I don’t think she cares”. Danny rolls his eyes, “it’s useful spandex”, he’s over being embarrassed by his parents ‘fashion’.

Eddie just snickers at the kid as his mom walks up and starts checking him over, “you alright? The ghost didn’t hurt you or anything? Or were they one you’re... friendly with?”.

Danny bats away her hand, “mooooom, cut it out. I told you I’m fine”, Ancients he hated being babied, especially in front of others. Having to make a point to keep the snarl out of his voice, can’t help the teeth-baring though, “seriously”, huffing though glad when she gets the message and cuts it the Zone out, “and it was just the Lunchlady”, shrugging, “‘parently BoxedLunch was born”. She just blinks at him.

Eddie turns to the side and laughs, “well those are... names”, and laughs a little more. Danny points aggressively at him.

Maddie smiles a little stiffly, “ghosts names usually have a meaning of some kind”, gesturing to the mini-GAV, “how about I- or Jack I guess, drive everyone back to the house?”. Jack, as if summoned, sticks his head out and waves.

Eddie shrugs, following the adult and teen into the... ‘vehicle’ thing. While Danny nods, “yup, BoxedLunch will be able to telekinetically control boxed and canned food products”.

Eddie shakes his head, “that’s stupid”.

Danny rolls his eyes, “could be Obsession based too. Usually a mix”.

Jack nods and guns it, speaking while Eddie shrieks and chants ‘no’, “Phantom seems to be the exception. But! We’re pretty sure he’s a different kind of ghost! A needed one! A spirit!”, looking to Danny, “like ClockWork!”.

Eddie just side-eyes Danny while clinging to the door handle.

“I do believe I mentioned we are called NeverBorns”. Startling nearly everyone. Eddie muttering, “oh fuck me- no not you”.

Danny tilts his head up a little, child ClockWork appearing with their arms crossed on his head. Danny chuckling slightly awkwardly, “hey Clocky, uh, whatcha doing?”. Is ClockWork showing up randomly around his parents going to be a routine?

Maddie gives a stiff nod of greeting, “hello... ClockWork”. Jack waving erratically and giving a far more genuine, “hello! Again!”.

Eddie catches on damn quick, based on the stiffness the lady seems ridiculously similar to homophobes trying to tolerate or not be an utter ass around an out and proud queer. So she was what? a speciesist? Genuinely it seems. Well that’s fucking stupid and bullshit. The guy seemed more like the ignorant type that’s actually totally cool once they know better and actually believe it. And these guys were supposed to be the creme de la creme of ghost research? Wow, fuck that bullshit. “I’m not even gonna bother pretending to understand what the fuck is going on with the baby ghost, but aren’t you guys like the fucking ghost scientists of the world? I’m detecting some speciesism crap here. Studying the whatever the fuck that you’re bigoted against is stupid and is exactly how you do bad science”.

Danny holds up a finger, “uh, actually the government’s pretty well the same and did try to nuke the Ghost Zone; which would have pretty much destroyed the universe”.

Eddie points are him, clutching the door harder when the vehicle takes a hard turn, “that’s exactly what I mean. Studying while high on the bigotry train equals making stupid decisions”, gesturing wildly, “like blowing up an entire dimension. That’s stupid. I’d metaphorically punch someone in front of the camera for that. If I were a ghost I’d probably terrorise people trying to blow my home up or shoot me for the crime of existing too”.

Maddie opens and closes her mouth a few times, “well we didn’t believe them capable of emotions-”.

Eddie quirks an eyebrow, trying to not look pathetic while clinging to the door, “oh? Just like women aren’t capable of being rational, right?”.

Maddie makes a series of faces, “that’s not the same”.

“Isn’t it?”.

“Ghosts are a different species”.

“And? Women are a different sex”.

“They’re dead”.

“So?”.

“The have an absence of life, so logically it made sense they’d lack things of the living”.

“Women lack balls, which those old assholes clearly thought had something to do with being fucking rational. And do I even need to start on the whole genitalia related hysteria theory bullshit?”. Danny chokes a little and covers his eyes at that. Eddie smirks, “I know jack shit about ghosts, but I can taste bullshit when I smell it”.

ClockWork sticks up a small finger, “that is not how that phrase goes”.

Eddie only glances at them, “do I care? No”.

Jack parks and stands, “to be fair, every time anyone had encountered ghosts they had been violent”.

Eddie practically peels himself off the door, “I don’t know about you, but I’ve never ran into a friendly shark”, adding like he’s almost being forced at gunpoint to, “sharks are cool as shit though”.

Danny gets up too, ClockWork not moving from their spot on his head. Danny’s almost impressed they’ve stayed in child form for so long, means there’s probably a reason though. “Sharks are pretty cool. Awesome teeth”, and gives a meaningful smile; he’d throw in his fangs if his folks weren’t around.

Eddie gives a small smirk back, a bit of sharp teeth visible. Then turning back to the parents, “science and biased opinions don’t mix, like milk and lemon juice. Nothing is fact until proven otherwise and if someone says it’s fact, prove them wrong; your bloody well self included. Screw your heads on straight”.

Danny looks to him while his parents gape a little, “I think I get why you get punched and abducted so much. You’re, like, super confrontational”.

Eddie points at him while walking up to the door, “and you’re not?”. Which Danny will admit is a bit fair. Eddie continues, “though yes, I do tend to egg people into throwing down. There is little better than punching pompous money-grubbing jackass that fuck over the lower classes in the face”. Danny can’t ever disagree with that either. ‘Cause well... ‘cause Vlad. Though he absolutely hears Eddie mutter to the side, “okay fine, yes that’s better. Only reason I like it now is your oily ass-oh yeah you and me both-fuck off”.

Maddie bites her lip a little but nods, while Jack goes over and gives ClockWork a pretty awkward handshake; considering how small their hands were at the moment.

Lewis opens the door just as Eddie had muttered, “fuck off”. “Lovely to see you two too”.

“Jesus fuck, God sorry Dan. Not you, you already know that though”, looking to the side again, “shut the fuck up, you cunt”. Lewis just chuckles and moves to let everyone in.

Lewis points to ClockWork, “why’s the ghost godparent slash Guardian here?”.

Eddie turns to Danny, eyeballs the tiny ghost, “who the fuck makes a child someone’s godparent?”. ClockWork immediately changes to their adult form, moving to float next to Danny. Eddie blinks, “or not a child”, then looking offended, “oh yeah mock me why don’t you”, probably being mentally laughed at.

Maddie looks to the ghost, “Dan is right though, is there a reason or do you just... hang out”.

Eddie looks to her, “let me guess, ghosts ‘don’t hang out’”. Lewis gives him a fond smile that absolutely conveys that this is pretty typical Eddie.

Maddie actually does look slightly embarrassed, which might have something to do with Eddie’s tone, “we didn’t use to think they did”. Which both Eddie and Danny huff at.

ClockWork sticks up a finger, “we do simply spend time in each others company here and there. I’ve gotten him quite good at chess and better read”. Eddie coughs, muttering, “he plays chess???”. ClockWork keeps going, “though I do have my reasons for my appearance now”.

Danny sighs, moving to sit in the kitchen, “let me guess, either has to do with Eddie showing up or-”, popping his ankles up on a chair and crossing them, “-the leggies”.

Eddie shuffles off to the living room, pulling out a shitty-looking beat-up journal; when the ghost points at the kid’s metal legs. Now that he’s confirmed a few hunches he might as well work on recent stuff he can actually get paid for.

Danny sighs, “the timer I’m guessing? Some ability or purpose you left out because it wasn’t the right time?”. Danny totally one-hundred percent saw this coming. ClockWork usually had, like, a bajillion reasons for things.

Jack laughs when ClockWork smirks and nods, “you sure know them well! Danny-boy!”. Maddie smiles genuinely at that.

ClockWork taps at the timer with their staff, “as was said, such things can alter time around the wearer. And I must say, the Observants are quite displeased over your now patchy and difficult to interpret future”, both ghost and halfa share a malicious-looking grin over that. Before ClockWork continues, “but much more importantly, you could certainly go on a nice little jog through time. A quaint little stroll down the time streams road. Hop from spot to spot on the timeline”.

Danny blinks and chuckles, putting his chin in his elbow and resting on the table, “so a free built-in pass through time? You out here making me a little optional time hopper huh?”.

Maddie leans forward, “are you saying you gave Danny time powers through his legs?”, how is she even supposed to react to that? Sure he technically had ‘powers’ already, the floating and the cold of his Core; a healing factor arguably too. Probably more, that he might or might not know about.

ClockWork pats Danny’s head, “in a way. Far less timely than me, and I will see anything he gets up to or tries. Quite suiting for a timely apprenticeship”.

Danny blinks, “if I start accidentally falling through time, I’m blaming you”. ClockWork knows how he is with new powers. Though fine, being the ‘child of time’ probably means he should have some kinda timely stuff. Jack can’t help but laugh at that, he could see just how much trouble Danny could get up to with that! Good thing this ClockWork fellow seemed responsible, which super strange to truly see from a spook! Maddie can’t help but see this as like them liking his tail, wanting him to be more like them; which she’s trying not to view negatively. Parents usually wanted their kid to be similar to them.

Lewis leans forward, “interesting choice of words, ‘apprentice’ implies job”.

Danny tilts his head, right they had told him they had a job for him. Sighing with a smile, “you’re really just making me crank my internal clock rapidly towards death”.

ClockWork gives him another little pat, looking to the parents, “traditionally child ghosts always take something like an apprenticeship under their guardian; through the passing on of power. My binds simply don’t allow for it”, smirking, “at least not through traditional means”. Danny grumbles incoherently at that. ClockWork looking to him and changing to their elderly form, “now the title proper would be ‘prince of time’ of course, being that I am the lord”.

Lewis shakes his head, Danny seriously couldn’t get away from the prince title now could he? Ghost Prince, Time Prince. Though he’s pretty sure the second is not even kinda a ruling title.

Jack blinks then looks a little excited, curiously excited, “‘prince’? Like royalty?!?”. Danny thumps his head on the table and leaves it there. ClockWork changing to a child and wrapping their tail around his neck, giving him a kinda weird neck/shoulder massage thing, “cloooooockyyyyyy”. Though relaxing and melting a little.

Lewis can’t help chuckling at that, giving him a very mocking, “awwww”, and getting a very mumbly, “fak yo”, in return.

Maddie shaking her head and a little surprised to find herself fighting back a smile, “I’m more interested in the binds thing. Your power level means you really should be a six, but you’re not”. ClockWork fiddles with Danny’s hair, leaving him to answer. Danny turns his head to the side, “they make sure the universe goes along the best and longest path. And that is all they are to do. Rules they physically have to follow. Restricts how much they can interfere”, sighing and shifting against the table a little, “can only do all this stuff with me ‘cause Guardian. Only Guardian ‘cause of circumstances and whatnot”. ClockWork nods with a hum, letting a content pleased smile be very obvious.

Jack and Maddie grin at that, both pretty damn certain now that this ghost genuinely liked and cared; no villainous motives. And if they were really thinking on that right now they'd probably cringe, obviously they’ve been wrong and probably about a lot. And Danny knew that. He was involved with ghosts, liked some, and very close with at least one. They had screwed up really, because they had hurt him in a way. He’d always been constant and firm in his opinions. His friends the same but seemingly more disappointed in them about it; probably out of protectiveness. Vlad said it like it was obvious fact but didn’t give a damn if they agreed or not. Dan was gentle and arguably objective, though he had probably talked with Danny at length. And this Eddie had pretty much come up and smacked them.

Lewis decides this probably qualifies as a ‘family moment’ so makes possibly awkward attempts to leave them alone, getting himself coffee and leaning against the entryway between the kitchen and living room. Smirking a bit to himself at spotting Eddie, who’s scribbling down his chicken scratch while rubbing little circles on noodle Vee’s head; Vee looks quite content with the situation.

Meanwhile, Maddie eyes the bit of the clock timer peaking out off Danny’s pants. Obviously the ‘prince of time’ thing wasn’t an actual royal title but more ‘family of someone important’, which was still strange. ClockWork calling it ‘apprentice’ definitely confirmed they were teaching him things beyond just chess; a bit mind-blowing ghosts played boardgames. She wonders though...

ClockWork speaks up, Danny looking a little zoned out all the while, “I prefer to allow him to teach himself. A guiding hand, rather than an authoritative voice. The latter weathers with time and often leads astray; the lessons less true and less useful. Request before you demand. Advise before you tell. And listen before you think”.

Jack grumbles, “I don’t think I quite get that”.

“To demand is to control their actions. To tell is to control their beliefs. To think without listening first is to control their voice. You have done plenty of this in the past. Demand fear and hatred of ghosts, scorn those that refuse to listen. Tell tales of your decided truth as if fact, and speaking louder if someone stuck their fingers in their ears. Thought of only others' nativity and how to reinforce yourselves when others spoke their grievances. Now you’ve tried the other path. And though it can be filled with hurt and discomfort, you’re already richer for it you'll find”, smirking faintly, “and yes, Daniel does do jobs for me; though not officially or with any real request from me. I merely pushed for timelines that aligned best and things worked themselves out as they so often do. Now I can request of him in genuine, and him of me”.

The two blinks at them, a little overwhelmed. Both pretty sure Danny might be the only one who doesn’t find them overwhelming. And Danny was probably the only one whose opinion ClockWork actually even cared about. Maddie leans back a little, “so you’re kind of like the... god who can’t truly interfere and simply must let people live their lives? Let fate play out?”.

“And, to use the phrases of mortals, I lose no sleep over that”, shifting to an adult and easily moving Danny to be practically curled up in their lap/against their chest, “I care not whether you live nor die. Whether you know happiness or suffer greatly. Beyond the effect of that upon Daniel and upon the continued existence of the time stream”.

Maddie could choose to take time that incredibly negatively, she could almost call this emotionless; but really? It was more someone whose priorities were far beyond individual beings. And besides, this meant that ClockWork would do what was best for Danny; everything and everyone else be damned. If anything, she could technically trust them with him more than anyone else. Maybe it was the bond Danny explained, or maybe it was simply them as a Being.

Jack’s more focused on how Danny absently grabbed ClockWork’s cloak and sorta snuggled up to it, very adorable and Danny would probably be so embarrassed if he wasn’t practically dead to the world. Danny seldom seemed really relaxed, so it was really nice to see! Then watching the ghosts blue hand pull out a necklace from under Danny’s collar, the one Danny always seemed to wear but never over clothing. Jack honestly has no clue what that necklace looks like and according to the paramedics it literally vanished as soon as they got his shirt off. Seeing the little silver CW charm dangling off the thin chain, he knew that thing had to be ghostly! Neither parent even has to ask.

“I gifted him this after becoming his Guardian proper. And now-”, taping the chain and suddenly a little gear charm appears on it, “-I find this to be another moment to commemorate”, letting go and the necklace simply phases through the shirt. Looking to the parents, “he prefers to keep it over his Core, which is typical for children. Symbolically saying that to truly hurt them you’d have to go through their Guardian first”, ClockWork puts in some emphasis to make the message very clear. The parents give a little nod and are actually genuinely happy to hear that.

Then they hear what they’re pretty sure is a string of swears and thud; turning their heads and seeing Dan choke on his drink a little. Danny -and ClockWork but that’s besides the point- is the only one to actually hear Eddie’s grumble about being bit. Which Danny smirks over and promptly bites ClockWork. Jack laughs while ClockWork chuckles, ahhh the joys of having a trickster who’s still growing into his fangs under their cloak. Danny does crawl off them right after though, moving to make his own coffee and obviously trying to play things off. Which gets Maddie to giggle.

Eddie stumbles in, grunts at Danny, “you like murder coffee, pour me some”, looking to the ghost, “fuck, you’re still here? Don’t you have things to do? Decrepit houses to haunt? Or children’s closets to hide ominously in?”.

ClockWork smirks, “I’m hardly the type. You should watch your local news, I believe”. Eddie rolls his eyes and shuffles back to the living room; reclaiming the couch. Danny sighs and looks to the ceiling, something going wrong in someone’s home when they leave was exactly his luck. Turning around and sipping his coffee while leaning against the counter; everyone (minus ClockWork)feeling just slightly awkward now.

So Jack jumps up, looking to Maddie, “after today I say we need to get right on rebuilding the GAV!”. Maddie looks from Jack to ClockWork to Danny, before smiling; it would probably mean a lot to Danny to just trust ClockWork alone-ish with him. Turning to Jack, “sounds like a plan, hon”.

Danny grins like an idiot to himself after they head down the lab stairs, they had changed so much! Looking to ClockWork, who grins, “one more thing, Daniel. Here”, and hands over folded fabric.

Danny looks at it, only having to fold out the hood to know it’s a freaking cloak or maybe mini cloak, “oh Ancients, ClockWork. Thanks”. ClockWork just laughs a little before throwing the cloak around his shoulders and disappearing. Leaving Danny grumbling fondly, “can’t even say goodbye”. Then looking to Lewis’s stupid smirk, “shut up”. Lewis chuckles and moves to sit in the living room. Danny electing to follow.

Danny leans over the back of the couch, looking at the absolute mess that is Eddie’s writing, “whatcha doin’?”.

“Adult stuff you’d never understand”.

“Fuck you”.

Eddie chuckles, “filling in details on the little interview I had with Cletus Kasady”.

Danny blinks, “ain’t that guy a serial killer?”, he’s not sure he even wants to know now.

Eddie quirks an eyebrow but doesn’t look away from his notebook, “surprised you know that, dudes whacky”.

Danny rolls his eyes, “nice, another frootloop”, leaning over even more purely to be obnoxious, “I should show you how to write with a proper quill, could make this look even more illegible. And writing with a fucking quill in public is a total power move”.

Eddie mutters, “that’s actually a decent argument”. While Danny squints at the words, sounding mildly unsure and tilting his head; attempting to read it, “‘there’s gonna be carnage’?”, snorting and moving to actually flop on the couch, “well someone took lessons from us spookies on being ominous”.

Eddie snorts and rolls his eyes, “more like typical bad guy trying to be intimidating”, smirking, “doesn’t really work on an actual predator though”.

Danny snickers, “tell me about it”.

Lewis sips his drink, watching the slight sharp toothy grins. Maybe those two were going to be like oil and fire, which might not be a good thing. Eyeing the short cloak that was honestly closer to a shawl, whatever, it was probably out of his hands now. Least the kid had some omnipresent god looking out for him. Positives Lewis, positives. Vee’s noodle head being suspiciously quiet is more than a little ominous though.

End.

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ejzah · 5 years ago

Note

Could you write a Drabble about the reccuring characters reactions when they learn about Densi’s engagement.

The anon also specified: Same anon here. Sorry I wasn’t specific about the reccuring characters, Sabatino, Anna, Talia and whoever you think. Just think it’d be funny, especially with Talia.

A/N: The timeline’s a little sketchy on these, but since the writers weren’t kind enough to let us know when Kensi and Deeks actually chose a date, I blame them.

***

“I’m so excited to be marrying the love of my life.” The caption read, followed by a picture of two clasped hands, one of them bearing a diamond ring on the fourth finger.

Anatoli Kirkin let out a quiet gasp, pressing his hand to his mouth.

Kensi Blye didn’t post on her pseudonym’s Facebook page often, but when she did it was usually for life changing events, like the last time she’d and Martin had moved. He scrolled further down and found that Marty had shared the post, adding his own caption.

So it was true. He couldn’t hold back a quiet sob.

“Anatoli, what’s wrong?” Dan asked from behind him, sounding concerned. Glancing at his “fiancé”, Kirkin was painfully reminded of Martin.

“Oh, nothing, my dear,” Kirkin said, forcing a smile. It wouldn’t do to upset Dan. “I just heard some...good news about an old friend.”

“Well, we should have him over for dinner sometime.” Kirkin chuckled nervously at the suggestion. Martin and Dan must never know about each other.

“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. He’s rather shy.” With a shrug, Dan accepted the excuse and walked off, mentioning something about ordering dinner.

Sighing regretfully, Kirkin turned back to his laptop and stared mournfully at Kensi and Martin’s intertwined fingers.

***

“What is that?” Arkady asked as his daughter opened a thick white envelope and pulled out some sort of invitation.

“It’s a wedding invitation for Kensi and Deeks wedding,” she answered, handing him the card.

“Why did no one tell me of this? I did not even know they were engaged.”

“I didn’t realize you were so close.” Anna’s tone was sarcastic, but he ignored it, wagging a finger at her.

“I am like second father to Kensi,” he insisted grandly. “Maybe favorite uncle.”

“Oh, and what about Deeks?” she asked, resting her chin on her fist, clearly amused.

“Eh, we are distant relatives. But I put up with him because I like Kensi.”

“I’m sure she will be thrilled to know.”

“You hurt me when you speak like this, Anna. As does the lack of invitation,” Arkady said mournfully which Anna acknowledged with a roll of her eyes.

“Well, maybe, if you behave yourself, I will take you as my plus one,” she offered and his eyes lit up.

“When do I not behave?” He rubbed his hands together. “I must order a case of wodka for the occasion.” Anna shook her head at him, but couldn’t help feeling a little excited herself.

She was happy for Kensi and Deeks and the wedding would provide a nice distraction from her own problems.

***

“Hey Partner,” a familiar voice said behind Deeks. He turned around, surprised to find Talia Del Campo smirking at him. She stepped forward to give him a hug, keeping it pretty tame. At least by her standards.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” he asked when she pulled back. She waved her hand dismissively.

“Eh, LAPD asked me to consult on a case. Turned out to be nothing. What have you and Kensi been up to? Are there any mini Deeks on the way?” Deeks blushed and she grinned, still delighting in her ability to throw him off kilter.

“Um no. No babies yet. But we are engaged.”

“Seriously? Congratulations!” Talia shouted, drawing the attention of several people in the precinct. She ignored them and gave Deeks another hug. “When did this happen?”

“A couple months ago,” Deeks said, grinning at Talia’s obvious excitement.

“Damn, I never thought you two would actually go through with it,” she said, shaking her head.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Talia rolled her eyes.

“Oh come on, with the way you two used to dance around each other, I was shocked when you started dating.”

“Well, it only took like thirty proposals,” he said wryly. Talia pulled in a deep sigh and said,

“I am a little disappointed.”

“Why?” Deeks asked with a frown. Winking at him, she reached out to squeeze his bicep.

“Because now I won’t ever get to have either of you,” she said. She smirked at him again, patting his arm. “Tell Kensi congrats for me. We should have drinks sometime.”

Deeks shook his head as she sashayed out of the room, earning several appreciative looks on the way.

***

“Oh crap,” Sabatino muttered as he looked down at the crime scene. He watched Kensi Blye take the pin she’d recently removed from a grenade and approach Deeks. Even before she got down on her knees, he knew what she was about to do.

Sabatino watched Kensi propose, Deeks drop to his knees as well and then the resulting discussion that was obvious even from a distance. Why was nothing ever simple with these two. Eventually, Deeks accepted the pin and they kissed.

“Man, they’re going to be even more annoying as a married couple,” he said to himself.

Despite himself, he started mentally planning what he’d wear to the wedding. Somewhere, in the back of his closet, he had a rarely used three piece suit.

***

Thanks for the prompt, I hope this was ok. I struggled with finding something suitable for Sabatino.

A/N: I’ve decided that, next to the boat shed’s location, Kensi and Deeks’ fake Facebook pages are the worst kept secret.

And if it wasn’t obvious, Sabatino planning his wedding outfit is a reference to him not getting an invitation.

#ncis la fanfiction #marty deeks #kensi blye #talia del campo #anatoli kirkin #arkady kolcheck #anna kolcheck #vostanik sabatino #anonymous prompts #ejzah fanfiction

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japanessie · 6 years ago

Text

MY FIRST STORY on Hey! Hey! NEO! with Downtown 30 Sept 2019

MFS was so excited over this one. Must be an honour to be invited to be a guest for these famous comedians, eh?

Disclaimer: I did this with a lot of help from FujiTV onscreen captions and Google speech capture technology wherever possible. My ears can’t do this 100% on their own LOL. Not to mention listening to this a countless number of times! Hundreds! I also rephrased things liberally here and there. The photo collages only serve as a summary. Surely a lot of things were misheard too. Sorry for all the mistakes and fails 🙈 . Here, I picked some parts of the lively conversation and left out the rest that I’m so hopeless at. Words in italic or bracket are my own addition. I also selected some Japanese words to remember and left out the ones I’m not ready for. Sorry it makes things look messy.

A bit of background…..

DOWNTOWN is a popular Japanese comedy duo from Hyogo consisting of members Hitoshi Matsumoto and Masatoshi Hamada. So, this means, they use a lot of Kansai-ben. I can’t even pass standard Japanese, let alone Kansai dialect LOL.

MY FIRST STORY held a lottery for Fan Club members to attend the recording at FUJI TV, Odaiba City on 23 Sept 2019. I didn’t apply because I knew I would not be able to understand things on the spot. Not to mention I had no money to go anyway 😂. Congrats to those who got picked to go!

——————————————

MFS the “handsome"band?

Hitoshi Matsumoto: You guys are kinda like "Visual Kei”.

Hiro: (surprised) Really??

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Very handsome*.

* Not sure if he mentioned someone’s name or what with it.

Masatoshi Hamada: EH? (…looking at Hiro’s face…)

Everyone: (laughs)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: But I’m sorry ok (…putting his hand on Nob…), you are the least popular, I understand that*.

* Oh my God, that’s brutal (but I’m still laughing). Sorry Nob.

Everyone: (laughs hysterically) Nob: (smiles and nods*)

* Aww…. Nob is so gentle & accepting. It’s not like he’s ugly though. Far from it. Especially if you’ve seen him in person. But it’s hard not to look super “unpretty” when sitting next to pretty boys like Hiro, Teru and Kid'z.

Masatoshi Hamada: But first, they debuted seven years ago.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Since we know nothing about it, were you guys already this good-looking from the band’s formation time?

MFS members: (… err… how to answer this one?…)

Hiro: (…awkwardly..) I guess so. Maybe.

Masatoshi Hamada: Any huge place you guys want to perform in*?

* Actually I’m not really sure what he said. Just guessing ….haha.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (putting his hand on Nob again) Any problem with him*?

* Kinda like any problem with having a not-so-handsome guy in a band of handsome guys? OMG, brutal LOL

Everyone: (laughs)

Nob: (..somewhat startled…. what, me?)

Hiro: (raises his hand and laughs) No, no. We’re not that kind of band. He’s fine.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (nudging Nob) Don’t take it to heart, eh? Don’t take it to heart *.

* Not sure if that’s what he meant. Just guessing … huhu.

Everyone: (laughs)

——————————————

Hiro is such a chatterbox, they think he should just enter a grand competition

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (to Hiro) You’re such a talker*! (pretending to look annoyed) Are you going on R-1 Grand Prix or what!

* 喋り達者 / shaberitachisha (?) / master talker, chatterbox

Everybody: (laughs)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: I can’t even talk at all (when Hiro talks)!

Hiro: (laughs) No, no! I’m not going on R-1!

*R-1 Grand Prix is a popular competition where entertainers compete with each other making jokes or whatever funny things to win the title of champion.

* LOL Do you think Hiro talks too much?

——————————————

The Downtown guys know Hiro’s parents very well and are particularly good friends with Mama Mori

Masatoshi Hamada & Hitoshi Matsumoto: (bowing to Hiro in respect to Mama Mori) Send our regards to your mother.

Hiro: (bowing back) Thank you.

* Mama Mori did background narration for the comedy duo for many many years.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: I’ve been to your father’s concerts too.

Hiro: Ah, thank you so much (bowing to Matsumoto-san)

* Sorry, I don’t really understand everything else 😕. Matsumoto-san also mimicked Papa Mori’s onstage self-introduction but I couldn’t capture what was the joke… huhu 🙈.

——————————————

MFS team’s penchant for pranks & Nob’s heart of gold

Masatoshi Hamada: You guys like pranks very much, don’t you?

Hiro: We are mischievous with each other, either with the members or the staff. We do some light-hearted* “hidden camera” thingy. Playful**. Playing stuff on each other (laughs)

* 軽い / かるい / karui / light

* *遊び心 / あそびごころ / asobigokoro / playful

Masatoshi Hamada: (pointing at Kid'z and Nob) It was labour intensive* on you two.

* 骨 / ほね / hone / labourous

* 粗大な / そだいな / sodaina / grand

Kid'z & Nob: (smiling & nodding together)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Well, keep telling. About the after party and all.

Masatoshi Hamada: You did that in Taiwan!

Everyone: (watching clips of Kid'z and Nob being pranked)

* ネタバラシ / netabarashi / spoiler

Masatoshi Hamada: (patting Nob) That’s horrible, ne~? Did you feel it was really serious, that being overseas?

Nob: Well, I didn’t know a word (of Chinese). So, I was like, “Could I have brought this powder with me or what?” (gesturing being shown a packet of powder with his hands).

* 粉 / kona / powder

Everyone: (laughs)

* Both Matsumoto-san and Hamada-san couldn’t believe what they heard.

Masatoshi Hamada: (walking up to Nob and tapping his body)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (reaching for Nob too & repeatedly slamming his hand up & down) Then you (should) just clearly* DENY** it!

* 明確 / めいかく / meikaku / clear, firm, solid, assure, precise

** 否定する / hitei suru / deny

Nob: (looking blurred & clueless)

Everyone: (laughs)

Hiro: (astonished at how goody-two-shoes Nob can be) You don’t say, “Could this be my powder?” in that situation!! You didn’t bring that, right?!

Everyone: (laughs)

Hiro: In order to do that hidden camera prank, we firstly had to go on a special* trip to Taiwan. Then we had to add one Live performance to it too.

＊わざわざ / waza waza / specially, doing something specially rather than incidentally

Hitoshi Matsumoto: So, you did not do that onwards from that Taiwan live show?

Hiro: Yup, it was the other way round.

Audience: Eh??!!

Masatoshi Hamada: (referring to the clip) That (felt like) half a year…

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (…looking at Nob…) Dang! THAT entire time you were getting nothing BUT scolded* (by those actors?)?

* 恨まれる / uramareru / get scolded, get cursed ~ from the word 恨む / uramu

Everyone: (laughs)

Nob: (smiling and shaking his head)

* OMG, Nob is unbelievably nice! He’s not bitter at all.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: You’re the stuff for Wednesday’s Downtown*! (laughs)

* Wednesday’s Downtown is their famous comedy show.

——————————————

Why Teru was never picked for pranks?

Masatoshi Hamada: (puts hand on Teru) You are the only one who has never been pranked?

Teru: Yes, that’s right. I don’t know, (…looking at Hiro….) do you hate* me or something?

* Aww 😍…. so all this time, Teru actually feels being left out by Hiro 😮? He was like, Hiro, why you never want to pick me 😕?

嫌わる / kirawareru / be hated ~ from the word 嫌う / kirau / hate, dislike

Hiro: No, no! The thing is, if it’s him (….pointing at Teru…), it wouldn’t be as funny.

Everyone: (laughs)

Masatoshi Hamada: How is that?

Hiro: He’s like (…still pointing at Teru …), whatever that’s happening*, he is unperturbed most of the time **.

* 起きる / おきる / okiru / get up, rise, occur, takes place

** 動じる / どうじる / doujiru / move, shift, motion

Teru: (laughs)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Aah you know, my eyes can see around and filter out for certain* who’s funny and who’s not.

* 確かに / tashikani / certainly, surely

Note: I only guessed the rest of his sentence LOL

Everyone: Ok (…. anticipating Matsumoto-san’s verdict….)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (…looking at Teru “scanning” him with a very serious face…) This one so totally NOT funny.

Teru: (…covers his face in embarrassment…)

* Spot on 😄! Teru oh Teru. When he tries to be funny, he just becomes corny & awkward instead. Strangely, when he’s not trying to be, that’s when he’s accidentally downright hilarious 😂

Everyone: (laughs)

Hiro: You may stop it right there * (laughs).

* Haha, so, it basically just stops there with Teru. Pranks may not work well on him because of his non-reaction to abnormal situations 😄. But a true bromance story 😍. Hiro spared you all these times because he knew your character so well, Teru 🤗❤️💕.

* Aww... Teru was so embarrassed to be branded unfunny 😄.

——————————————

I don’t fully understand the joke where they asked Teru if he had some prank ideas on Hiro 🙈😭

*Disclaimer: Below is my best guess.

Masatoshi Hamada: (putting hand on Teru) How about your own?

Hiro: (realizing Hamada-san’s intention) For me?

Teru: (scratching his head) Hmm

Audience: Aaahhh!!

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (to Kid’z & Nob) Do you have something good for (prank) ideas?

Teru: (pointing to Kid’z, Nob & himself) The three of us are setting it up*. (nodding)**

* 仕掛ける / shikakeru / set up

** Does that mean “Yes, we’re thinking of pranking Hiro” 😍 ?

Hiro: (wide-eyed & taken aback by Teru’s answer) Holy cow! !

Masatoshi Hamada: Ah, good (….making a hand gesture as if putting something into something else….)*

* Don’t know the words he said here. Sorry 🙈.

Hiro: That’s not even a hidden camera thing!

Everyone: (laughs)

Masatoshi Hamada: You 3 guys can (shackle) him down and ….

Hiro: (looking at Hamada-san) That’s not even…!

Nob: (pretending to …hmm…. pour water onto something?)

Hiro: Normally I would already be complaining*!

* 訴えます / uttaemasu / complain

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Maybe make it like Masako-chan’s* hair or something (gesturing 2 pointy things on his head).

* If Matsumoto-san meant Masako-chan as Mama Mori, then I guess he was saying to tie Hiro’s hair into two girly piggy tails like his mother likes to do during her comedy skits as まーちゃん (Maa-chan).

Everyone: (hysterically laughs)

Hiro: (waving his hand & shaking his head) Ehh! How are you even going to get close to doing that?!!*

* Lets’s take Matsumoto-san’s suggestion LOL 😂 😂 😂

* Hiroki, you cunning little one! You’re so NOT wiggling your way out of this LOL

——————————————

How was that, my fellow MFS fans? I hope the rough idea is there even if I couldn’t get the thing 100% right.

Help and corrections are very much welcomed. Hehe!

Would love to hear your feedback about this talk. Do you think MFS is visually pleasing to the eye? Does Hiro talk too much? Do you feel Teru has no funny bones? Do you want to see Hiro getting pranked?

Oh wow! To me, I can see why DOWNTOWN is such a popular comedy team in Japan. They truly are hilarious! Thank you Matsumoto-san & Hamada-san.

#my first story #maifasu #teruki nishizawa #hiroki moriuchi #nobuaki katou #japanese comedy #kid'z didn't say a word

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homespork-review · 5 years ago

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Homespork Act 3: Insane Mindscrew Haymakers (Part 3)

FAILURE ARTIST: We cut to PM, WV, and AR in the far but not that far future. WV is trying to obey the letter’s direction to give the package to PM but AR keeps shooting. Yet WV and PM take cover behind a rock and WV is able to complete the task. The letter calls PM “Miss Mail Lady” so we now have a gender.

Back to Dream Jade. She flies to another golden tower and peers in on John sleeping. This bedroom is also defaced like his one in the waking world, plus there’s a creepy harlequin doll next to him. She isn’t sure if he got her present or if she even sent it, so she decides she’ll ask later.

CHEL: Dream John is fitfully asleep, but Jade intends to let him wake up on his own. Here, it’s established that Dream Jade does not know everything waking Jade does, as she decides she needs a system to remind her of things, which in the waking world she has (remember the COLORFUL REMINDERS).

The moon on which the city is now revealed to be placed is moving close to Skaia, the gargantuan sphere of cloudy blue sky mentioned by Nannasprite as the crucible of creation. Apparently it’s not safe to be outside during the “eclipse”, so Jade heads back to her tower.

FAILURE ARTIST: We cut to John alchemizing a bunch of stuff, some useful and some never to appear again. One of these things is a Cosbytop computer and that hasn’t aged well. John feels like it’s both his birthday and Christmas and though he thinks that’s impossible these pages came out a few days before Christmas. This fourth wall wink and nod comes up during another alchemizing frenzy.

CHEL: He contemplates a “1980s time-lapse montage” but instead we have to sit through him alchemising everything item by item.

GET ON WITH IT!: 12

Though he does come up with some useful stuff, including a rather snappy suit. By combining his glasses with the PDA he gets hands-free internet, and the sledgehammer, telescope, and Sassacre book together create the TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER, an extremely powerful weapon which unfortunately he can’t lift. Nannasprite’s ectoplasm and the gushers make healing candies, and ectoplasm, the fake arms, and the PDA solve the giant hammer problem by making REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLETS. One of the funnier items is a steam-iron-hammer he calls the WRINKLEFUCKER.

Dave, meanwhile, is STILL strifing with Bro, who apparently doesn’t notice or doesn’t care about the fact that the city is being flattened by meteors around them. Not doing a good job of showing “yes, this fight should be taken seriously”.

TIER: Neither does Dave for that matter, fucks given remains at a cool absolute zero on this roof.

GET ON WITH IT!: 13 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 6

CHEL: At least it’s captioned FINAL ROUND now. Surrounded by watching crows, Dave hurls himself at Bro, and their collision results in the snapping of Dave’s sword, the bisection of Lil Cal (hooray!) and, somehow, the splitting of the picture of the record on Dave’s T-shirt; not cutting the cloth, turning the picture of a whole record into one of a broken record, which it will remain for the rest of its time in the story. Lots of analysis has been done by fans about how this represents Bro’s abuse shattering Dave’s true inner self, but in the context, it just looks like even sillier cartoon physics than we already had, if one even notices it (in the rush of visuals it’s easy to miss the first time round). It probably doesn’t help that Bro never actually says anything (nor do either of the other living adults), so we don’t really know what his thoughts on the matter are.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 12

Dave goes flying, rolling and skidding across the roof, landing in a rather battered-looking heap but with no serious harm done, and Bro chucks the game discs at him and… flies off on a hoverboard which I guess he has? Yet again, not adding to a serious tone here. Are hoverboards normal in this universe? Like the sylladexes, it was never established. Dave messages John, matter-of-factly telling him “bro just kicked my ass”. It’s still unclear how literal John thinks this ass-kicking is.

BRIGHT: This is apparently a universe in which some form of combat with one’s guardian is apparently routine, so John might well be thinking of Dave’s strifes with Bro as just a more intense version of a normal practice. On the other hand, by that same token, there’s nothing at this stage to say it isn’t just a more intense version of a normal practice. In fact, both John’s and Dave’s reactions suggest this is the case.

The problem really comes later on. If Dave’s situation is going to be taken seriously, then so should everyone else’s. Right now, although there are suggestions that all is not well, the tone of the text takes none of these situations seriously. It keeps everyone on a more even footing.

CHEL: Back on the golden moon, the eclipse is happening; during same, the moon and Jade’s tower thereupon, which are chained to the planet, swing right inside Skaia, surrounding it with clouds. On the surface of the clouds, we see images of events which happened earlier, including John’s house in the Medium, Rose’s house aflame, the tree in the desert, and the meteors falling on Dave’s city. This, we gather, is from where Jade obtains her mysterious information!

Dream Jade types messages to John, while the Dreambot types them out on a keyboard in the real world so he can actually get them. We proceed to see the same conversation about the package and SBurb we saw when Jade was first introduced, but this time I think a recap of it is actually pretty useful, especially the reference to the explosion. What happens is a little hard to parse, but as far as I can make out, a cloud shows a vision of a meteor emerging from a space portal, and the meteor actually emerges from the vision, becoming a cloud in the process. Said cloud-meteor then passes into a vision of Jade’s island when the volcano was still active and strikes down as the real meteor did in that time period. Jade, in her tower, hears it; I guess this is why it’s not safe to go outside during the eclipse?

In the volcano vision, we pull into a close-up shot of the lava-filled crater beneath the volcano, and a very familiar featureless canine head starts to emerge from it. Creepy.

Jade leaves the tower to check, and finds a vision of the lava with a blossom-like lit-up spirograph emerging from it, but when she tries to look, vision-Bec blocks her view of it, as the real Bec flies back and forth in front of the Dreambot. She messages John again, saying Bec doesn’t want her to go near the meteor crash site.

In John’s dream tower, the bed is empty; Dream John is now hovering outside it, eyes firmly shut. Jade sees him and drifts toward him, while John’s eyes slowly open. (This bit fuelled a fair amount of shipping at the time.) We see again the shaped clouds and the slowly approaching silhouette of Jade, revealing this to be the time when John fell asleep earlier, and at the exact same moment, real Jade and real John awake.

Again, we have a repeated conversation, this one being the one where Jade implores John to wake up. Now we know what she meant! Again, I think recapping this is reasonable, but maybe it could have been trimmed down so we just got the important points? That should have been done with all the repeat convos, really.

TIER: Personally speaking the little blurbs of repeated conversation shown during the flash would've gotten the point across without having to completely rehash the conversations.

With Jade awake properly, we get another convo rehash (now with proper context from both sides). Jade then consults her COLORFUL REMINDERS, as the visions of past and future events visible in the clouds as she sleeps can get very confusing very fast and the things help her put everything into usable info! With is fitting because dreams are trippy and easily forgotten. Jade notes two things: that this time there wasn't that much of future being shown, and that this is the first time that her dog guardian Bec has shown up a dream.

Bec has apparently never let Jade wander into the weird temple that is such a strange landmark of her island, but with the overpowered pooch taking a nap at the feet of his master's corpse, this is a good a time as any to try and pull one over him!

As Jade zip lines towards the temple and Rose continues construction on John's house, we cut back to Dave in the aftermath of the strife.

Dave is slightly saddened by poor Cal's “unfortunate” bisection (personally I was hollering because fuck that thing Jesus). His strife kind has also been turned into a ½ bladekind, courtesy of Bro fucking up his shit blade. Fucking rude man.

BRIGHT: Fighting with half a sword never seems to hinder Dave, but it still seems a silly thing to do when Bro quite possibly knew Dave was headed into heavy combat. It’s funny at the time though!

FAILURE ARTIST: When I first read Homestuck, I was sad Bro didn’t seem to care about Lil Cal, but with later revelations...would be better if that puppet never existed.

TIER: Dave attempts to grab the beta that he worked so hard for, but wouldn't ya know it his dang inventory is all filled up. Mostly with useless crap, as Dave admits as well. After a quick setup change for his modus, Dave finally has the beta! Congrats!!

CHEL: *looks pointedly at GET ON WITH IT count*

TIER: While Dave attempts to pester her, Rose has finished building up John's house, which marks the end of how much more she can help John as his server player. There's not much else to do for her till Dave shows up. She's also nearly done with John's gift, that'll show him that Rose is the God King of, and I am quoting right now “facetious sentimental gestures”. That's a peculiar and slightly worrying sentiment to have. What an adorably wordy yet cheeky little goth.

With that, we jump back a few months into the past, when it was Rose's 13th birthday. She's opening a package from John (signed under his old handle ghostyTrickster) containing the gift of knitting stuff (yarn and knitting needles) and a very dorky yet endearing letter from the blue boy. What a goof.

Rose is then pestered by one of the trollslum inhabitants, this one by the name of grimAuxiliatrix! They type Like This, And I Think It's Very Neat. Also quite verbose this one. Like personally I kinda need to carefully read and reread their words to get what the fuck they're trying to get to. In this case, it's politely bitching about humans while weird time related fuckery gets explicitly name dropped. Mainly the weird situation that is the trolls being/not being from the future. It's as confusing as it sounds.

CHEL: I think here’s the first indication that the trolls aren’t just other humans. Meanwhile, notice that one of the names in the Trollslum is “centaursTesticle”. Lovely. That character will, as the handle suggests, be the source of a LOT of CALL CPA PLEASE points. But anyway.

GA: No We Arent From "The Future" GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future. GA: We Did GA: Your Future GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago TT: I understand. TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline. TT: It's not that complicated.

TIER: While that confusing thing keeps happening, we jump on over to a younger Dave, whole record shirt and dumb not-Kamina anime glasses wearing. He too is opening a birthday gift, which consists of his iconic aviators and a letter as well. The letter is just as endearing as the one John sent to Rose. Might just be my bias talking concerning how much John is undoubtedly and unchallenged my favorite character overall.

CHEL: I think so too, but I’m still giving him a point for him telling Dave his “gay butt stinks”, even though he is a twelve-year-old boy - it never gets called out or presented as bad that the kids say -ism-based insults until near the end, and that part has its own problems which we’ll get to then. The rest of it’s cute though.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 11

I’d like to bring up another webcomic which is known for its incredibly offensive humour; R. K. Milholland’s Something Positive. Specifically, I’d like to contrast the offensive humour of it with the offensive humour of Homestuck. In S*P, the point of the offensive humour is that the characters saying or doing the offensive thing are horrible people who should not be emulated, and even they disapprove strongly of homophobic/racist insults. Here is one of the tamer examples, from 2003 (so later comics have no excuse). Please note the character saying all this is both very drunk and very frustrated by having read a lot of terrible writing at the time, and his decision to do this comes back to bite him later.

In contrast, the point of Homestuck’s offensive jokes seems to be that either offensive things are inherently funny or the writer doesn’t realise why they’re offensive.

John tells Dave he thinks he needs to get out of his brother’s shadow, showing no concern for Dave’s actual wellbeing; more evidence that either they don’t know about the strifes or don’t care. The gift John has given is the glasses worn by Ben Stiller, which John suggests could replace Dave’s current anime shades. John worries that they’re “sort of a shitty present”, which again makes me wonder about the Egberts’ financial status - we weren’t able to find an actual figure for them but those things would cost thousands, so what the hell makes him call them “shitty”? How much did Hussie think movie memorabilia cost? Name of the count aside, we’re using it for when their economic statuses are weird in general, so here we go again:

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 8

TIER: Dave too is dealing with a trollslum inhabitant, this one by the name of adiosToreador. It's around here that the trolls typing starts to get head tilt worthy. As Dave so eloquently puts it, toreador types like a tool. I mean, lOOK AT THIS, lOOK ME IN THE EYES, aND TELL ME THIS AIN'T RIDICULOUS.

CHEL: AT opens by telling Dave he’s awful, and Dave responds with frustration at having to deal with the trolls yet again. He complains that he’s “wasting good material on you guys” and that there’s no substance to their trolling; he also mentions one of them thinking he was a girl, which I think is the original source of the fandom’s popular female-to-male transgender Dave headcanon.

FAILURE ARTIST: I think it’s just that Dave is a popular character.

CHEL: I don’t know, it started well before the fandom started getting really enthusiastic about assigning identities to everyone, from what I saw, but maybe.

TIER: My two cents concerning this matter is that it's probably a combination of the two. Dave seems to resonate quite well with a great majority of the fans, so from what I've seen they more readily project onto him.

AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY, AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO,

CHEL: The readers immediately start wondering what this thing is, but Dave is unconcerned, and immediately accuses AT of perving on him. Here is where the CALL CPA PLEASE count really starts to ramp up, because on one hand, yes it’s hilarious to watch the tables being turned, but on the other, this coming out of a boy who literally just turned thirteen that day is… uncomfortable for a lot of adult readers, especially since we know his home has obscene material lying around all over it and as mentioned before that can really mess up a kid, even if Bro was not in fact putting him in his movies directly.

TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS, TG: no man TG: look TG: i just need to know when to be there TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise AT: uHHH, AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME, CALL CPA PLEASE: 5

TIER: How many words does a 13 year old need for his private parts? Asking for a friend. I get that Dave is a little gremlin but holy shit y'all.

CHEL: To quote Hiveswap, “SOUNDS LIKE SETUP TO ‘RIDDLE’ OR PERHAPS ‘JOKE’.” Or maybe a really weird rewrite of “Blowin’ in the Wind” and I just realised the (in)appropriateness of that song title. Anyway, I’m giving one CPA point for each of those elaborate descriptions. AT, perturbed, announces his intention to leave, but Dave continues.

TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch TG: you and me TG: welcome to nam TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop AT: uHHH, wHO, AT: wHO'S CHARLIE, TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling AT: oH MY GOD, CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 14 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 9

Hey, our first double point assignment! Two points for using the same racist joke again, as if it wasn’t offensive enough the first time. And another one for the fat joke.

FAILURE ARTIST: Lifting the newlyweds on chairs is a Jewish tradition so I guess Hussie’s antisemitism didn’t start this year.

CHEL: Isn’t stepping on a bottle a Jewish thing too? Does that count as more than one anti-Semitic joke or is it all part of the same one?

FAILURE ARTIST: Yeah, that’s also a thing. But I’d say it counts as one big joke.

CHEL: Does the Vietnam joke count as a separate one? I’m not sure what the general attitude to those is since about half of 20th-century British comedy revolves around WW2 jokes and no one minds those.

TG: thats what you see TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong CALL CPA PLEASE: 7

CHEL: All the counts aside, I can see what Hussie was going for and the general idea’s still amusing, culminating in one of the funniest bits in the comic when all this leads up to adiosToreador [AT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] - I think we’ve all wanted to be Dave here. I’m fully aware that this sequence was meant to be somewhat uncomfortable, but given that Hussie later tries to tell us that Dave’s home life scarred him for real, yet he presented this as funny, it adds to the general feeling of Hussie berating the reader for laughing at the comedy. I think he was just trying to pander to the woke side of the fanbase with that, but we’ll get to it when we get there.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 13

FAILURE ARTIST: We go to AIMLESS RENEGADE, who has finally run out on his clip without hitting anyone. Apparently, some nitpicker on the forum (not me) pointed out the AR’s gun is magazine-fed, not clip-fed, but AR doesn’t give a shit about that.

CHEL: “A clip is not a magazine, a mag is not a clip; neither is a grip a stock, and "stock" does not mean grip.”

FAILURE ARTIST: AR examines the murals and declares the amphibian and reptilian images illegal pictography. AR arms themselves with a rocket launcher but wonders if they should befriend WV and PM - particularly PM. However, AR decides the two have committed too many crimes that make AR’s carapace steam. AR dresses as a judge (to complement WV as a mayor and PM as a mail carrier) and declares order in the court. AR wants to go down the moving platform to catch WV and PM but it isn’t operating right.

Closer to present time, Jade puts her gift to John on top of the monument. The gift disappears, just as Jade planned. Back in the future, PM looks at her drawing showing where she’s supposed to go. The drawing seems to be inaccurate until the tower is shot down. It turns out AR accidentally launched a rocket at it. AR tries again to hit the criminals but is distracted by PM’s beauty. Instead, AR shoots the mobile station. WV throws a can of Tab and PM grabs the package in a clever callback to SBaHJ’s sock ruse comic.

PM gets the package to the Appearifier and Sendifies it into Jade’s toddlerhood, back when Grandpa was alive and shooting butterflies. Inside the package is a letter from John, a too-big t-shirt with a blue ghost on it, and pumpkin seeds. So we have the root of Jade’s friendship with John and the others and her interest in gardening. That’s a very elaborate time loop.

CHEL: Get used to elaborate time loops. Anyway, the letter’s painfully adorable again. John thanks Jade for her years of friendship and for being the reason he met Rose and Dave. He gave Jade pumpkin seeds because future Jade had been upset that her pumpkins kept disappearing so he wanted to help her grow more. Unfortunately his declaration that three people is “almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP” was cute at first glance, but given how he has no contact with anyone but them that we see, it becomes a tad creepy. Did he not expect to ever have any friends, or more than one friend? The implication that Dadbert kept him locked in his room all the time is looking more and more likely!

We cut to a cartoon sound effect, WHOP, and You bear the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face, “you” now being Archagent Jack Noir. The sound effect is the result of Dad Egbert punching Jack in the face. Jack pulls a switchblade, but Dad retaliates by lighting Jack’s hated jester hat on fire, throwing it to the ground, spraying shaving cream on it, and stomping on it. Jack immediately sets Dad free.

Jade is instructed by the prompt to “Play guitar to summon giant lily pads”, which she does, and it works… somehow? I’m not sure how that happens. Anyway, she uses the lily pads to hop over to the frog temple, finding in it a wall covered in tiny lime green glowing symbols.

Cut back to Dave, who has finally succeeded in installing the beta, and not a moment too soon as Rose’s room is now full of red light, soon to be aflame. Rose is calm enough to join Dave in a SBaHJ joke, and we go into the act-ending animation, [S] Enter.

Dave dramatically sips his fortunately-really-apple-juice and draws cartoons as the game loads, while Rose plays with Vodka Mutini and Jade scurries through the temple. For clarity’s sake, I’ll describe each character’s actions in a separate paragraph.

"Homestuck - [S] Enter [End of act 3]" (Watch on YouTube)

In Rose’s burning house Dave quickly deploys the necessary machinery. There’s so little safe room left to use that he has to throw Rose’s bed into the burning forest for one, put one in the observatory, and put the third on the nearby roof; fortunately Rose is able to get to them all. Dave uses the wizard statue to knock open the Cruxtruder, then drops it outside, breaking its hand off and sending the hand flying. He moves the cruxite to the lathe, where Rose produces a totem for her entry item, a bottle. Rose flings the dead Jaspers into the Kernelsprite and Dave grabs the Eldritch Princess doll to put in too, but the flying wizard statue hand knocks the entry item into the nearby waterfall. Rose leaps out over the drop, successfully catches it, and is in turn caught by a long purple tentacle....

Flaming whirlwinds approach the house; Rose swings the bottle to shatter it, and the meteor lands.

In the temple, we see an enormous flower atop another countdown device, noting four-and-a-half minutes till disaster, but Jade suddenly falls asleep again, waking up with only nineteen seconds to go. Unlike John randomly falling asleep mid-battle, this has been happening often enough to seem to be a legitimate problem with a story-based cause. Keep an eye on that.

Dave, meanwhile, is still in his room, which is now filled with crows. He seems flustered at first, but in a later shot he’s back at his computer with a crow perched on his head, seemingly fine.

Back at John’s house, Nannasprite opens up his newer copy of Sassacre’s book and starts to inscribe the very message we read earlier, so she didn’t in fact know about it during her life. Seems odd that she’d bother doing this rather than just saying it, though, especially since when she finishes, she drops the book into the chasm, where it plummets through grey clouds, emerging over a dark-blue land scattered with tiny lights and black rivers. John, covered in oil, runs up the many stairs of his remodelled house, smashing imps left and right with single blows from the WRINKLEFUCKER and directing the SASSACRUSHER with the GHOST GAUNTLETS to take on the ogres. When he reaches the top, he slams his hammer down one last time and bounces upwards to the spirograph portal, entering whatever’s on the other side. Fade to white.

Generally, a very good flash! Exciting but doesn’t sacrifice useful information for drama, and now two characters have reached their current goals but more is still going on. Lovely music too. I think the Flash animations are one of Hussie’s greater strengths here.

FAILURE ARTIST: The animation was what drew me into Homestuck and this is a particularly good one.

CHEL: A couple of static pages wrap up the Act; we pan out from John’s house to see it and the pinnacle it’s perched on are now looming above the same dark-blue land covered with thick clouds that the book fell onto, which we now see is in fact an entire very small planet. Curtains close.

So that’s the end of Act 3! What does everyone think?

FAILURE ARTIST: It was fun seeing Jade and the Exiles but sad thinking about how underutilized they ended up. Especially poor AR.

BRIGHT: This is where the elaborate time loops really started to kick in, and I’ve gotta say, I’m not a fan. I recognise that they’re a key feature of Homestuck, but I found some of them too confusing on my first read through. (Though they do make more sense on subsequent reads.)

I think on the whole this Act is quite well paced. I really loved the bits with Jade, and a lot of nifty background info gets introduced without being infodumped.

TIER: I wasn't even aware that webcomics on the internet were a thing at this point, but I do believe that it's around here that Homestuck's popularity was starting to pick up, no? This chapter went a lot deeper into the strangeness of the game to!

FAILURE ARTIST:

Homestuck was popular but I don’t think it became a phenomenon until Act 5 when the trolls were fully introduced. Lots of people even skipped Acts 1-4 and the Intermission to get to them. I think a lot of the pre-Act 5 fans were my age (20s) while after that many were teens or tweens. Admittedly, I didn’t do much in the fandom except check the SA thread until Act 5 came around.

CHEL: I don’t think I got into it until Act 6 - I remember the first time I got further than a few pages in I gave up when the Alpha kids got introduced because it was way too complicated.

As for my thoughts on the act, well… Before, I was able to more or less chalk up the racist/sexist/fatphobic/homophobic remarks as being from the characters’ mouths (they are, after all, twelve to thirteen years old) and not the author’s, but they don’t really get called out by the narrative and Hussie has sufficiently drained my goodwill that I have to complain, and I suspect after recent events that it actually was him speaking there, if you get my meaning. Most of the dialogue is still as sweet and funny as I remember it being but those bits really taint it. Hypothetical rewrite would definitely remove those.

I’m in two minds about keeping Dave’s hurricane of euphemisms to AT for said hypothetical rewrite; on one hand, considering his home situation, it’s worrying, but on the other the whole point of the joke is to make AT uncomfortable and it’s hard to do that without making comments that would also make the reader uncomfortable. Maybe if Dave’s home life was adjusted a bit the reader would be more easily able to assume he just picked them up from Urban Dictionary.

Speaking of Dave, his storyline here is where we really start to see a thing which is a recurring problem with the comic. Namely, reliance on theme and symbolism over what is actually happening. If Hussie was indeed trying from the beginning to portray Dave’s situation as serious abuse, then he shouldn’t have chosen to represent said abuse with ridiculous cartoon physics while literally portraying Dave as unharmed onscreen. Dave’s behaviour does hint at some issues, but they’re easy to pass off as related to other things, and swords so sharp they cause printed pictures to change are not most readers’ first assumption for the cause.

Other than those, though, I think we’re still mostly fine; none of the problems are problems with the underlying structure of the story, so it wouldn’t require a huge retooling. That state of affairs will continue on for another couple of acts, but when it fails, it fails.

COUNTS ALL THE LUCK: 0 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 13 CALL CPA PLEASE: 7 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 14 GET ON WITH IT!: 13 GORE GALORE: 0 HOW NOT TO WRITE A WEBCOMIC: 14 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 6 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 0 RELATIONSHIP GOALS?: 1 SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 0 SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS: 0 WHAT IS HAPPENING??: 2 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 9 TOTAL: 79

#homestuck #Homespork #homestuck review #homestuck meta #homestuck reread #let's read homestuck

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