#could an autism guy and another autism guy ever fall in love

[simonblackquill]

sanazuka nation where the hell u at im dying over here

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Asa Mitaka from Chainsaw Man the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Asa-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a manga panel of Asa in the top right corner, she has been edited to be wearing a blue cap with the words "Please be patient I have autism" printed on the front. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"Goes to the aquarium with a guy and infodumps about sea anemonies."

"I kin her unironically. Unbelievable social awkward. Goes to an aquarium date where she spends the entire time explaining facts about the Animals fully in an attempt to impress her date. She must be avenged from the ADHD vs Autism bracket. Is isolated from her peers. Chronically lonely but won't open up to anyone(not sure if that's an Autism thing or just a personal problem probably a combination of both) Have you read the Manga?"

"has a VERY hard time with social interaction"

"She is absolutely baffled by everything + doesn't get most things at first"

"there's an extended scene where she flirts with a boy by lecturing him about sea anemone life cycles, breeding patterns, and other extended trivia. the whole time she is thinking to herself "he must be falling in love with me right about now. this is an irresistible date." "

"Literally infodumps to the boy shes on a date with for like 3 straight pages and then goes "i'm so alluring. he definetely wants me now" "

"from the scene that was all over tumblr where she infodumps about starfish on an aquarium date and considers this her Ultimate Seduction Technique. a guy on reddit literally got diagnosed because he could relate to her. it's awesome"

"Tried to impress a guy on a date by monologuing starfish facts about him, was genuinely astonished that that didn't drive him wild with desire. Also she's sharing her body with a horsewoman of the apocalypse but that's unrelated."

"If her long-winded rant about sea creatures as an attempt to seduce someone wasn't enough, then a lot of her trauma is based around being ostracized for being weird and quiet. She doesn't understand people but wants companionship anyways, even if shes also afraid of it."

"She feels disconnected to her peers. She literally infodumps while on a date for thirty minutes about starfish. She doesn't see this as a social faux pas, but rather something any sane person would do. (Basically, doesn't realize this is abnormal.) She misses social cues frequently. She feels below average empathy, I'd say. Asa also said she wanted to die after embarrassing herself in public. That doesn't mean she's autistic or anything, but I'm autistic and I do it a lot. Also, I'm autistic and I relate to her, so she kind of has a peer reviewed diagnosis by me lol."

"Socially awkward and prone to info dumping."

"shes cringe fail and has no idea what shes doing ever i love her so much (shes just like me fr"

"I’m sure you’ve seen her failgirl cringe aquarium infordump that she’s sure will charm any boy (note: fails to charm the world’s loosest teenage boy.) She sucks at a lot of social stuff but also doesn’t get why and just thinks she’s wrong or cursed or smth. Likes animals over people. Doesn’t have a single friend until another loner who happens to be more extroverted basically adopts her as her friend."

"1) thought lecturing her date about sea creatures for like 30 minutes each would impress him and make him like her and was confused when he wasn’t into it (I would be into it tho it’s ok bby he just has adhd). 2) had the date planned out to the MINUTE and told the poor guy to shut up when he wanted to do something different. Literally a formula for how to have fun and she thought it was foolproof. 3) encyclopedic knowledge of sea creatures either points to a special interest and/or she just decided to research all that shit the night before for the date (she did say she went to the library in preparation), either way. tism I love her I’m rotating her in my brain" End ID.]

[prosciuttulipa]

RAAAAAAH i want a match ngl LMAO

Jjk match because Im a fucking simp, and a guy bcs I am in fact a straight woman thanks

I'm a big nerd. Like, a very big nerd. I do math for fun and I am not ashamed at all when I interrupt someone to correct them (I have autism and ADHD, how could you tell?)

I'm relatively closed off, and most of the time, insecure. I'm shy and I barely ever make the first move (unless I've had a couple of drinks or a lot of eyeliner). I think what people most define me as is the "old soul, young body). I'm like the mom of the group, though I am absolutely reckless when there's another mom in the group, since it takes the responsibility away from me.

I hate going out, and it's really hard to get me to go to the beach, for example. I think my best quality personality-wise is that I'm down to earth and realistic about my goals. A problem is probably how much self-doubt I have, since people constantly tell me I am capable of achieving more than I think I can. I don't settle for seconds, but I'm not too excited when I rech first, because there's always a new competition.

Oh yeah, I'm competitive. Very.

I'm a pessimist, though I like to say it's realism, because why be positive, hype myself up, only for it to go wrong and the disappointment hurt me? As I said, emotionally closed off.

My personality is the infamous black cat, and I think (though I'm not sure), that a golden retriever boy is what would fit me best. (even though I simp for other black cat guys)

For hobbies, I'm boring, though I do have many. I play the guitar, do martial arts (krav maga), draw, sing, write absolutely filthy smut, and, most important of all: do math and study. Yeah, my main hobby is studying.

I'm not sure how I show my love? I don't, usually. I can love someone unconditionally and be absolutely lovesick, but only after a very heavy emotional session, may it be a fight or drinks, will I tell soemone how much they mean to me. I spent the last four years with my best friend, and only after a day's worth of drinking and crying did I tell her how much she meant to me.

I'm a bit icky with physical touch, but if I trust them, I'll let them cling to me. Initially push people away and only after knowing them do I let them hug me, kiss me, cuddle me. I am awful when dealing with compliments, and I cannot take a gift. So probably quality time is my love-receiving language when generally speaking. A boyfriend/husband would probably work with physical touch and words of affirmation, though.

I dont think there's any big turn-off or turn-on in relationships? Maybe not giving me enough attention and helping me emotionally, because I'm easily falling into insecurity, feeling like I'm not enough.

I have like medium curly dark hair and dark eyes. Eyebags, and a lot of moles all over my face. My body is relatively fit? I have a bit of fat ngl but I also have muscles. A bit of a tummy and thicc thighs (they do, in fact, save lives) that double the size when I sit (insecurity alert!) I'm pale, though I am a mixed baby. I dress in all-black most of the time, and all the color variations are like red or dark blue. (I AM NOT EMO). I wear eyeliner from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep and I have pierced ears. I also plan on getting nip piercings and plan on getting

I think i need more songs to listen to, so I'm going with the three songs he associates wit me.

Congratulations! You have been matched with...

Choso Kamo

When people see you and Choso together, they immediately assume that you're just another average emo couple, quick to place stereotypes. But under the heavy eyeliner and dark clothes, are two people who are just trying to figure out life in their own way.

Choso is fascinated by your contradictions: insecure yet quick to correct others, pessimistic but burning with a competitive drive for more. Where some people may see indecision, he sees something much more real and human in comparison to the single-minded characters he's met during his time alive. Living is hard, has experienced it for himself, so he doesn't shun you for your contrasting perspectives. Instead, he wants to learn about the world alongside you, unpicking the way you think, wondering about your insecurities. Although he's been through a lot, there's something inherently innocent and simplistic in the way Choso sees the world. If you're an old soul in a young body, then he's a young soul in an old one. Perhaps by meeting somewhere in the middle, the two of you will get closer to unravelling the mystery that is life.

Choso doesn't mind that you don't like going out, but you often find yourself tagging along as he explores the world in small ways. A trip to the convenience store may as well be a museum visit, with the way he asks you about the products, eyeing them with confusion. He also admires the fact that you study math—to dedicate yourself to understanding anything in such depth is no small feat—and he's happy to sit next to you while you work, occasionally asking questions about your interest in the subject. His most common form of affection is just leaning his head against your shoulder, watching silently as you work.

Dates with Choso are pretty laid back, since he's happy to take the lead on whatever makes you comfortable. It doesn't matter to him where you two are. For him, understanding your mind (and falling in love with the way you think, the way you are) is what matters to him the most.

The Matchmaker's Gift:

Contrary to popular belief, Choso's music taste is rather soft. This song reminds him of the inherent dependence that comes with being connected.

Offering you this song with a curious tilt of his head, Choso asks you if this is how your pessimism feels like.

This is the song Choso uses to confess to you. His feelings are one of the few things he has to his name, and he wants to share them with you.

[lastritesbish]

hi guys so hes . on my mind and i know many of yall could care less but im gonna lore dump on him!!

lore under the cut (warnings for talk on abuse!)

so his full title is cecil the conjurer, and he comes from a line of royal sorcerers. but he was born albino, and completely blind— causing him to be hidden in the shadows, away from the world. the only interactions he’d have were ones with his mother, who despised him for his “weakness”

but he was not weak in the slightest. in fact, he had more power than any of the others in the families lineage, which his mother envied him for. she swore to never teach him proper magic— which he took in stride, forming his own convoluted, corrupted and unstable way of magic. he even formed his own way of “sight” which was a unique form of echolocation, which he prefers more than anything and gives him complete independence.

as a teenager, he ran away and lived a life of travel, doing deeds and small things of magic for anyone who would employ him. at the age of 28, he met a noble man and fell in love with him. but this love was not real, and not love at all— but cecil, who was used to a life of abuse did not see the difference.

years he spent under the thumb of this abusive man, but cecil had no one else to run to. this man was all he had, he couldn’t just leave. he would have nothing. but things got worse and worse— and eventually, he had the nerve to leave at the age of 38. but he did not know, that the relationship had resulted in pregnancy. so he had a daughter, which he named louise. her birth had opened his eyes— that he now had a reason to live for.

by the time louise was two, cecil had found himself in enchancia. this just happened to be around the time cedrics problematic “goals” were exposed, and cecil was hired to work alongside with the sorcerer to keep him in check. cedric and him did Not like eachother whatsoever— bickering whenever they had the chance to.

but something about cecil to cedric— never did he mock him for his magic, never did he poke fun at how he became nervous while doing magic. instead, cecil would lend a helping hand. instead, he was kind.

eventually, the two warmed up to eachother— and louise especially found “ceedric” entertaining.

and thats all blah blah blah BUT!! thats basically the lore and than they fall in love and kiss and love wins

BUT CECIL GENERAL FACTS TIME:

- cecil is a trans man if that much wasn’t obvious by him having a child, hashtag magical transition goes crazy

-he is . 6’4 . he is So tall and it is not great with the fact that his echolocation isn’t always 100% accurate, so a lot of things are broken with him around

- he is always very happy go lucky and smiley even if he doesn’t look like he would be, it’s the autism

- this one isn’t a general fact but . cedric and cecil t4t forever and ever they eventually go on to have another magically produced baby named calina (thats right gotta keep the c names up)

- hes like?? from whatever the sofia the first version of russia is and has the thickest accent u ever did see

AND UMMM MORE ART

AND FEEL FREE TO SEND ASKS ABT QUESTIONS ID LOVVVEEE TO ANSWER TJEM AND IF U WANT ILL TALK ABT HIM IN DMS ALL THE TIME

[perhapsisuppose]

you. give me your ninjago headcanons

the joy that surged through me.

i have a LOT

my faves tho are related around what they’d look like as humans

cole - definitely a big guy, super strong, would have darker skin and cool hair. i sometimes see people hc him as blasian or indian and both of those ARE SO FITTING

I fully and firmly believe cole is a metaphor for being gay

the royal blacksmiths ep in s1 is smth i have always felt was a subtle nod to the struggle of being gay and having a “double life” where he was nervous to tell his dad.

zane - either darker skin for human form or just the titanium (i think he’s a metaphor for autism 😈)

jay - white. canadian, probably. freckled everywhere, redhead bs, etc. (my adhd twin) the thinnest ninja, my guy is muscly but thin.

nya and kai - asian, tan skin, nya is definitely taller after s8 when they all start to grow up. nya’s bulky but kai is on the thinner side.

lloyd - asian, sometimes i see him portrayed as tan, and sometimes white. either work in my head. he’s not that thin, probably middle build.

—

random ones i’ve collected :

- jay’s special interest is video games, hence why they pop up as a constant interest for him throughout seasons, unlike the baking and cooking he mentions in the pilot (those were definitely his past fixations.)

- jay has a knack for inventing and tinkering - maybe it was a past fixation because it did fade as nya took the character role of “inventor”

- kai thinks cole is probably the hottest dude he’s ever seen, whether romantically or platonically is up to you, but he’s definitely had at least one fleeting homo thought

- jay and zane stim and talk over robotics and tech for hours. nya often walks in and joins, but will leave after they fall down another inevitable rabbit hole.

- lloyd dyes his hair blonde. he was born with terrifyingly bright blonde hair, but it became darker into a light brown with his rapid aging in s2. he just prefers the blonde.

- misako 100% has had some cheating-ass romantic interaction with wu while garm was out of the picture.

- harumi doesn’t love lloyd. she loves the idea of him. all she wanted was to be protected, and here’s the easy-to-manipulate, powerful, and cute green ninja - her easiest way to feel in control, whether subconscious or not at first.

- while arguing about nya with kai, jay has definitely pulled something like “what, you want me to marry you instead, asshole??” “you can say you’re jealous.”

- cole and jay have a closer bond than many.

- during the early seasons when cole was “interested” in nya, i hc that as him either experimenting or caring for her and confusing it for romantic love.

- nya struggles to say ‘i love you’ directly to jay due to the intense vulnerability it fills her with. she shows it in many other ways, and regrets not saying it sooner before seabound

- jay is insecure about this. ^

- that one archer ghost from s5 who wanted ronan’s soul bc of some deal he made was DEFINITELY into him. or vice versa.

- pythor and scales are 100% a divorced couple. how would that work lore-wise? it wouldn’t. they just are.

- chen is into the most fucking kinky shit you could ever fathom. he was alone on that island for a long, long time.

and is insane.

—

IF I THINK OF MORE OR IVE FORGOTTEN SOME, ILL TELL U!!!!

YIPPEEEE

[dangerous-advantage]

(yagi-no-eda here~)

Totally would circle back /pos. I’m also pretty new to the fandom!

My wife has liked Usagi Yojimbo and associated stuff for years but it’s only this summer that my brain has allowed me to really get into it, and make it past the first 2-3 comics. Not for lack of trying - it was just never the right time in an ADHD way*. Something always would distract me. I’ve inhaled all the comics I can in just the last couple of months and yeah, Stan came at me with a steel chair too. I did not expect …this whole situation. I’ve been a fandom lurker since 1999 and yet suddenly I have blog I use near daily, a sketchbook, and bunch of fic WIPS...

Mainly because I am Unwell over UY.

I have accepted my fate. This is always going to be a Thing now.

Though I did admittedly also inhale TMNT 2003 and Rise.

Travels with Jotaro is one of my favourite volumes, but I’m also weirdly into Bridge of Death rn and just….in general having a moment over Usagi’s time with Mifune. To the point I’m doodling intros for a fake show called The Mifune Years. He had this whole expected future and friends - denied.

* to be fair this is also the summer I found out its def ADHD driving this media analysis machine I call a brain

Hope this was an okay way to get back to you! /lil anxious

Feel free to network (or share thoughts) in my tags anytime, I love hearing what other people think. Also happy to chat anytime. Or feel free to tell me to back off and that's chill too :)

(been waiting to answer this for when i had more time but gave in; should be working on my fic(s) but you know how it is lmao. stay tuned for a very long post, because i love talking about things with people, especially things i like haha

very cool to see another person very passionate about this series! i grew up on 2003 (and the 90's movies-- my parents had the third one on cassette and i remember i wore that fucker out lmao) but it was always more of a "scattered interest" rather than something i was fully pulled into

i started getting into rise (read: The Algorithm came for me) probably mid-July of last year, but didn't fully fall into it until after the movie came out. it renewed my interest in tmnt overall, and i've been here ever since!

i did attempt to watch the usagi chronicles a couple of times, and i remember thinking they were fun but not really my thing. (i definitely want to revisit it, even though i know it won't hold a candle to usagi yojimbo. it does look fun in a silly way, which i can get behind.)

i knew vaguely about how big usagi yojimbo was, and that it was a commitment, but i'm surprised how quickly it sucked me in. i've never been super interested in stuff within the genre, but damn if it doesn't satisfy the autism. entire chapters devoted to infodumping about the edo period of japan? sign me the fuck up!

i especially did not expect how much it would make me feel. like. wow. ouch. usagi is just Some Guy but he is also so well characterized and you really feel for his internal conflict, 10/10.

i've been looking for series with older protagonists, especially those more focused on the familial/platonic aspect rather than romantic (i am just an nd queer on the interweb, can you blame me for yearning for found family?), but hadn't found any i really liked other than the tarot sequence by kd edwards (very good read, would highly recommend.)

also not to be a nerd but ohhhh my god i am so obsessed with the plot with mifune.

like i know the series takes place after that, and after the fallout of that, but just. wow. imagine devoting your entire being to another, to the point where you would readily die for them and their word, and then they die. they die, and you did everything you could to honor them in that death, but they're still gone.

like... that emptiness stays with you. you don't just get over that. maybe it's the "being raised in a cult" but wow, do i empathize with that.

idk if we explore more about the fallout/exact history with mifune/immediately following mifune's death but there is so much writing potential there. if i was not embroiled within turtle hell and 50,000 words deep in a multi-chapter fic already, i would absolutely write something for it.

like. this is adjacent to your interest in the topic, but can you just imagine (/rhetorical /general you.) as far as we know, he spent five days on the battlefield before he made it out to the tangled skein.

(which is one of my favorite additions like good god holy shit. that is so cool and angsty. your lord, days after dying, appears as a fucking ghost and saves you. like, if i were to be silly and funky, i would absolutely headcanon that as the reason that he was able to stand up and continue on. because i mean... what else? what else could motivate you to stand up once more after something like that?)

(well. honor. but mifune is the physical manifestation of honor in the narrative, so same difference? it's like both thematically significant and emotionally significant and-- ok im shutting up now. but i could talk for days, istg.)

but like. how do you reconstruct yourself from that? we see him holding tight to this sense of honor, even after his lord is gone, sent reeling (adrift in the waves) with only his soul and moral compass to hold to.

which makes it hurt so much more when we see these ideals of honor-- this ghost of a man, of a life, still haunting him years after the event-- still woven through the narrative, made to specifically conflict his deepest wants.

i joke about it a lot on my fic discord (i have a whole channel called 'father-material' devoted to just pictures of him hanging out with/taking care of kids), but something that seems very important to him is wanting to be a father figure, and wanting these connections to family and friends.

but that is contrasted against these ideas of honor, the very thing he built and rebuilt his foundation off of after it was torn away from him. and it's just so incredibly painful but also it makes sense, because he can't just give up the side of himself that is a samurai. too much of his person, his characterization, is built off of this.

to see it constantly clash with this want to settle down and finally rest, devote himself to his relationships/family rather than the code of bushido-- the very essence of honor itself-- ourgh ourgh ourgh its so good

(put aside the fact that he once said he could never serve another lord, and we know from the story that the idea of a "lord" can be more than just a person... he never stopped serving mifune, not truly. he still upholds the ideas of honor that mifune stood for/represented. as if his lord never truly left him.)

...i was going to say more, but then i realized this turned into a whole-ass mini-analysis, so i'm forcing myself to stfu. but basically: i have feelings about this series, man (/gender neutral).

anyway. if you ever do put something together, i would love to read/follow it! if i ever wrote something, it would probably be exploring the direct fallout of losing mifune, so hey, different niches but similar (:

also: never be anxious about talking to me ever in any way possible. i will probably be even more annoying than you in tags/asks/everything under the sun, and i do genuinely love talking to people who share my interests (typically about those interests.) i like to pretend i am an internet Cool Guy, however, it is a flimsy veneer to hide all the cringefail swaglessness and unending mental illness about my blorbos

(...i am so tempted to just invite you to my og turtle discord server so i can annoy you about usagi on the regular. also about what my reimagining of yuichi would be, because i have so, so many ideas.

i will refrain, but if you would be interested, it has been kinda dead as of late, so it would be nice to enrich the ecosystem a little by slowly collecting other usagi-interested individuals and slowly taking it over, one by one (/j /lh).)

anyway, same thing goes for me with my posts/asks/reblogs/messages/whatever. i am so very earnest, so if that puts you off, that's very chill and fine. however, as long as you're down to vibe, i am similarly down to vibe >:D

i once more apologize for this monstrosity of a reply. i would say it won't happen again, but my reading comprehension apparently does not extend to the "all things in moderation" maxim. instead i choose maximalism (to the max)

(sorry for that joke. yeah that will also happen again. sorry. /lh /pos)

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

[thoughtfulfoxllama]

I wish I could just fully understand and know how to deal with my trauma

Even more than that, I wish more than anything I didn't have to go through the stuff I did. And I'm just mad that everyone I grew up around either actively harmed me, or stood by and let it happen

I never felt safe at home. My mother and uncle were in & out of jail, and drug addicts. My uncle was an alcoholic, who repeatedly attempted suicide in front of me. In the rare event they were both out of jail, they would shout at each other all the time, punch through walls & doors, and in one case, push each other across the room (leading to my mother dragging me out of the house, and trying to make me sleep on a park bench over the night)

And then there's how they'd treat me. If I got bad grades (basically, below A+), they would yell at me, telling me if never be worth anything. My mother told me that I'd better get a good job, so she can have somewhere to live when her mother dies. She lost custody of her little brother because of all the drugs she was on, and just needed to go to rehab for 6 months. I literally begged her, crying to go, but she didn't think it was worth it (showing how much she values us)

My uncle claimed he loved me, but treated me as "one of the guys" (and, I'm just saying, the fact he was in his 30s-40s, buying beer for teens, and letting his 4 year old nephew drink one is sus). That's when he wasn't dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night to eat dinner (giving me horrible rug burn on my chest after dragging me all the way to the kitchen), or burning me with a cigarette

And my grandmother, she basically raised me. She said she didn't want to lose another grandchild (my mother abandoned my sister with her paternal grandparents, and my older brother was taken away because she did Meth when she was pregnant with him). But, she said she'd never stop her from seeing me

The issue is, she neglected me. Anyone who knew me after 2016 knows about the time I had a 104° fever for 2 days straight, and I didn't go to the hospital (thankfully, the fever broke before I did). But the fact she knew her children were delinquents, and still got them to watch me is unbelievable. She continued to let them watch me, even when both of them had restraining orders, because they were too horrible to be around kids. But no one was there to advocate for me, so I had to live through that for 15 years

And then there's the mental stuff. I was horribly bullied at school (and still preferred it to home, which she knew, so that should've told her something), and she didn't question why. I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD & Depression. I'm self-DXed with Autism, but most places won't do adult testing. So, what did my grandmother do: she ignored it. She lied whenever someone asked if I was ever tested for ADHD or Autism (I never was, but she repeatedly said I wasn't). And I don't blame my teachers anymore (because there's apparently a stupid law that they're not allowed to even bring up the possiblity of a kid having some disorder), but I blame her for not caring enough to even look into it. And for instilling ableism I'm me, so I never considered the possibility (well, I considered it several times, but I refused to accept it, because I couldn't bring myself to actually look past my preconceptions until I was adopted)

Eventually, my life settled down when my Great-Grandmother had a fall, and we moved in. She didn't much like me, but we avoided each other for the most part. Then, my grandmother died. She never taught me to live on my own (I couldn't even do laundry). I lost 40 pounds in 2 months because I was just too depressed to eat. I still don't think I'm over it, because even though I'm mad at her, she was the woman who raised me

And I won't deny that religious trauma is real for most people, but the LDS Church helped me alot, and continues to help me. I have a community that actually cares, friends who genuinely like me, and a philosophy & theology that teaches I am divine, worth loving. I have issues with the culture (such as my worth being defined by my work), but ultimately, it does more good in my life

And I don't know how to deal with any of this. I still deal with self-hatred, occasional outbursts (which further deepen the aforementioned self hatred), and a general "eh" feeling (it's way worse without my meds, and I've had a few bursts of real happiness recently)

I don't want to hang on to the past. But I don't know how to deal with everything (because this doesn't even cover it all. I never mentioned things like when I was SAed when I was 5, because it wasn't done by anyone I was related to).

[danggirlronpa]

haiiiii :3 akane anon again. im off work now!

i agree w absolutely everything u said. she's been my fav ever for years and i have so many in depth thoughts abt how she could function on relationships w like. most of the girls. i could probably make a chart if i figured out a format.

chiakane soooo crazy. never been my main ship but ill consider anything. they r most interesting from a doomed standpoint to me...... akane as a remnant vs chiaki's existence as ai and (counting dr3 as canon which im not usually interested in doing) death before the tragedy. i think of them in almost a similar vein to the tragedy between madoka and homura except if homura was replaced by a kyoko who's a little worse w emotions. chiaki's entire being has become dedicated in one way or another to serving class 77 even if that means sacrificing herself over and over and akane has had every single meaningful relationship (or what SHOULD have been) ripped away or twisted and never having even really existed and she is so afraid of going through this again she doesn't even try and have relationships she cares about deeply (or at all!) that aren't w her siblings. so she would be PISSED to fall in love w chiaki who is already dead and doomed to die again. ive never believed the mastermind akane theory people talk abt at least fully but it IS interesting. i can make a killer chiakane au w it. w madoka magica parallels even. but ur right they can also be very very sweet. i think they would play super smash bros and akane would kinda suck at it (spams the buttons and thinks it's a pro strategy) but chiaki would let her win every once or twice. akane hears the rumours abt chiaki dating some random reserve course guy and sends the "im so happy for you and your ugly fucking boyfriend I'm serious" text after swearing to herself she doesn't even gaf

that's uh. that's a lot. im so sorry can you tell i have autism. this isn't even my favourite ship for either of them ask me about pekokane and i start growling like a rabid dog.

YES yes yes yes!! I am a HUGE Akane fan. She's the only character I have a real little collection of merch for (though that's partly just because so much merch excludes Mukuro). I didn't really attach to her the first time I played SDR2 but over time I've grown SO fond and defensive of her, she is such a sad and complex character who deserved to be treated better by her writers (and have less racist tropes associated with her. Spike Chunsoft. cough cough) and still deserves to be treated better by the fandom.

And I think you got it RIGHT on the money why I'm inclined towards Chiaki/Akane, actually. Akane has lived such a dark life that not only does she not know how to ask for help or rely on others, she doesn't even realize she needs to - for her, this is just how the world is. Akane, to me, is like the equivalent of a housecat looking at their humans and going, "They don't even know how to hunt. They're all so stupid. I have to go kill mice so they can eat. Are they even bathing themselves properly?? Licking time. Morons." She's incredibly resilient and smart within the context of the VERY SPECIFIC lifestyle she's lived.

And something really appeals to me about someone who solely exists to help people meeting Akane, thinking they can 'save' her, and slowly coming to realize that she is not dumb or unskilled just because she isn't skilled in the way they value. Learning that intelligence isn't a measure of worth and seeing & valuing Akane for who she is - and, at the same time, helping her see that some of the things she's gone through are truly, deeply traumatic, and helping her learn how to rely on others for the first time...that shit gets me. I Just Want Akane To Be Happy

[kagender]

putata or mekeke for the ask meme

YESSSS i think ill be nice and do both.

putata:

Sexuality Headcanon: gonna act like i did with tamama CUZ HES GAYYYYY DUHHHH. like everyone in the world knows this and i knew it the first time i saw him. gonna go a bit off the rails here but hes the guy that got me watching the shurara corps arc, cuz i saw him in that big ending image w every keronian in it and i was like HOOOOLY SHIT.

Gender Headcanon: he is VERY MUCH A TRANSMAN n also i think he would loooove neopronouns n xenogenders. like hes just that kind of guy

A ship I have with said character: just like every person in the world i just luuuuv putameke..... theyre little freaks made for eachother, crafty guys who work in different mediums but still appreciate eachothers mediums, an excellent combo for frogs for when you want to steal the keron star etc etc. very compatible. they should not be seperated

A BROTP I have with said character: putata n kagege bestieism is sooooo faunny to me sorry. awkward guy devoid of any color and the most colorful energetic guy in the show(PROBABLY)

A NOTP I have with said character: ummm i cant think of anything that isnt like. straight up problematic cause i cannot be a hater really. i guess ill feel a bit iffy if someone pairs him with a girl but ive never actually seen it so like.like.

A random headcanon: im having a bit of trouble pinpointing just one honestly. cuz i think of the corps a lot in general....

well i think hes very caring over his nyororo, in my au it doesnt actually die (listen. i get a bit upset whenever a nyororo gets killed off in the anime thats just a funny beast.) but it does get really sick and it makes him flip his shit a bit ALRIGHT! like i def think its a pet hes had since childhood, his familys like dirty rich so they got him a nice one. saying that i def dont think hes getting much money from them anymore, like he has seperated himself from them pretty hard. also he knew mekeke since they were like, early teens? wow this is all over the place

General Opinion over said character: did you know that putata is also a species of bug(jodis putata) anyways hes GREAT. got me into this whole shurara corps thing. i had such strong brainrot over him when i was like 13-14 and im not exactly proud of it, still love him tho

mekeke:

Sexuality Headcanon: hes BIIIII. bisexual. hell ya baby!

Gender Headcanon: i think mekekes another character that falls under "not cis, not trans but some secret third thing" for me, i think i labelled him a demiboy a while ago though. well he is a boything for sure

A ship I have with said character: i will just repeat putameke..... literally 2 guys made for eachother wowwww its so wild I CANT BELIEVE IT. but also kagemeke is funny. cuz they both use puppetry haha fun but i dont think abt them too much

A BROTP I have with said character: ill just parrot the kagege thing again, though i also think him and dokuku would click together a bit :3

A NOTP I have with said character: I COULD NEVER BE A HATER!!!! never ever

A random headcanon: like w putata my minds a bit over the place.... imma be honest every time i get asked for a random headcanon my mind just goes blank like i forgot everything ive ever thought of in my life

one of my oldest headcanons ever is def gecko-handed mekeke, cause he has to stick to ceilings somehow if he wants to control his puppet from above. sorry i dont like making guys float for no reason.... i think hes def a bit quirky design wise in my au, has some brown markings that he just got as he grew up (thing that happens with keronians sometimes in general tee bee eh) and i call him oxidized because of that. also he has four arms for some reason. i dont really know what his deal is. its not even just his design he wasnt raised by keronians and might act a bit silly cause of it.

General Opinion over said character: bit of an autism beast

[lonelier-version-of-you]

So I found out from @riverstardis‘s classic Casualty liveblogs recently that there’s an episode (S28E36) with a patient who’s a Doctor Who fan. I thought that sounded fun. So now I’m watching it, and I’m gonna liveblog, because why not.

Edit 1: I was gonna say this is the first episode I’ve seen from while Dylan was away but then I remembered it’s not, I watched another series 28 ep because Katherine Dow Blyton was in it.

Edit 2: Connie and Zoe sharing scenes, I might faint from gorgeousness overload.

Edit 3: And here’s some of our guest characters for the episode, some bloke and the young woman he’s giving literacy lessons to.

Edit 4: Jeff and Dixie!

Edit 5: Oh, it’s fucking Fletch.

Edit 6: I think we’ve just met the Whovian kid. Meanwhile, Fletch is treating a patient and bumping into Tess, and I literally do not care.

Edit 7: The lighting in the hospital in this era is really weird.

Edit 8: Awh, the kid in his little bowtie!!

Edit 9: The kid’s just fallen off a playground climbing thingy that I should know the name for, and simultaneously, his grandma’s having shortness of breath and chest pains. Oof.

Literacy Lesson Man’s girlfriend is also struggling to breathe. Another oof.

Edit 10: Nice to see Fletch has always been useless. Also, insane to think that less than a decade after this he was literally CEO.

Edit 11: Oh hi there Ash.

Edit 12: Ethan and the Whovian kid is SO cute.

Edit 13: Is this kid giving off autism vibes or is it just me?

Edit 14: Whovian kid’s mum is going to prison!! Now that’s a plot twist.

Edit 15: The Whovian kid’s grandma keeps saying she’s fine, so she’s definitely not.

Edit 16: Zoe Hanna come back to us challenge.

Edit 17: Jeff suggesting Dixie could roleplay her upcoming interview regarding a patient complaint or whatever, Big Mac shakes his head. Jeff: “I don’t know why you’re shaking your head, you’re going to be the interviewer!” Big Mac: “Why can’t you be the interviewer?” Jeff: “Because I shall be watching and giving notes!” 😂

Edit 18: Dixie is great.

Edit 19: Connie being in the same scene as Fletch feels so odd.

Edit 20: Connie and Zoe in their rivalry era!

Edit 21: Poor Whovian kid, being treated by Fletch the Bland.

Edit 22: Oh no, two of the guest characters are running on the road!

Edit 23: Welp, guest characters had a near-miss with a car but haven’t been hit yet.

Edit 24: OH THERE WE GO. A ton of fencing or something just fell on one of the guest characters. Ouch.

Edit 25: And there we go, Whovian Kid’s grandma is most certainly not fine. Also, oh hey, here’s Robyn.

Edit 26: Dixie conveniently walks by and sees the guy who had the fencing fall on him. 😂

Edit 27: The fancy camera angles while Dixie was running up the stairs for her interview made me dizzy.

Edit 28: “Sorry... I got caught up in an emergency. *brushes dust off her jacket*” I love Dixie.

Edit 29: Literacy Lesson Bloke just died, oof. And now his wife and his student are fighting. Yikes.

The good news is, Whovian Kid’s grandma is fine.

Edit 30: Whovian Kid’s mum just said he doesn’t like being with people he doesn’t know. Yeaaah, definitely autistic.

Edit 31: My goodness Connie looks stunning.

Edit 32: Noel, my love, I miss you.

Edit 33: Funny how many characters from this era kept switching jobs! Louise, Big Mac...

Edit 34: Connie asks Zoe to go for a drink with her. Zoe: “What, like a date?”

Edit 35: Ah, the staff setting it up so the kid and his family can watch Doctor Who together. Cute.

Edit 36: I mean this scene DOES look like Zoe and Connie are on a date.

Edit 37: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT FLETCH.

Edit 38: Why did Tess ever go for Fletch? She could do so much better.

Edit 39: NOEL I MISS YOU.

Edit 40: Connie in her trying to get the clinical lead job era.

Edit 41: It’s no wonder Dylan and Zoe were so close. They both hate having to do management stuff.

[lost-the-plot-reviews]

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine - Gail Honeyman (2017)

Dates read: Jan 30, 2023 - Feb 6, 2023

TW: Suicide, Bullying, Arson, Abuse, Physical/Sexual Assault, Social Isolation, Alcoholism

Synopsis: No one's ever told Eleanor that life should be better than fine. Meet Eleanor Oliphant: she struggles with appropriate social skills and tends to say exactly what she's thinking. Nothing is missing in her carefully timetabled life of avoiding unnecessary human contact, where weekends are punctuated by frozen pizza, vodka, and phone chats with Mummy. But everything changes when Eleanor meets Raymond, the bumbling and deeply unhygienic IT guy from her office. When she and Raymond together save Sammy, an eldery gentleman who has fallen, the three rescue one another from the lives of isolation that they had been living. Ultimately it is Raymond's big heart that will help Eleanor find the way to repair her own profoundly damaged one. If she does, she'll learn that she, too, is capable of finding friendship - and even love - after all. Smart, warm, uplifting, Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine is the story of an out-of-the-ordinary heroine whose deadpan weirdness and unconscious wit make for an irresistible journey as she realises... the only way to survive is to open your heart.

Rating: 4/5

Review: So I was expecting a story full of loneliness and mistakes but still relatable at heart. This is what I got but absolutely not in the way I had expected. Eleanor Oliphant is one of the most unique protagonists I've ever encountered, and initially she can be a bit of a culture shock but honestly by the end you will fall in love with her. This book is a master of showing not telling whether it's random observations by the protagonist or 'throwaway' bits of dialogue. It all builds a picture that is only fully realised at the end. You can have theories but I can't say I had it all worked out which is refreshing to read an ending that's just as surprising as it is satisfying. This book is full of lovely warm moments reminding you to appreciate the world and the kindness of strangers. But it can get quite sad and one later chapter it gets extremely dark. I've listed the trigger warnings at the top for the book hoping it doesn't spoil anything but it's the kind of book that could unfortunately affect some people. I highly recommend this book if you are okay with the topics listed above. For a book so sad it has a lot of heart with an end note of optimism that could brighten the lives of many. I rated it 4 out of 5 because I did have to keep debating the protagonists choices. Whether it was a sign of trauma, autism or both. Which is already a grey area and I hope it's still relatable for ND readers even if there's the low hanging fruit of trauma present throughout.

[Originally posted on Goodreads Feb 7, 2023]

[mbruben-stein]

Could I please get a matchup for LOTR and The Hobbit? 🥺

🍃 I’m Bisexual and Genderfluid but I would prefer a male ship please

🍃 I have Autism so I can be pretty awkward and a little flustered, especially around new people. I’m also super blunt. I stim by pacing and flapping my hands

🍃 I work at a greenhouse and I’m really muscular. I really enjoy physical labor and getting muscular because I feel so good about myself when I look buff and lift things with ease

🍃 My love languages are 100% physical touch and acts of service. I’m not one for grand romantic gestures though, those embarrass me. I’m a lot more lowkey with affection

🍃 I’m like 4’ 11” with long wavy brown hair that I usually have up in a bun, glasses and the body type of a rectangle. I don’t have many curves

🍃 I’m pretty diplomatic and can be very witty, I’m really good at coming up with jokes and funny quips on the fly. I am very protective over people and I really just want to take care of those I love. I have a strong sense of duty to take care of others and make up for my wrongdoings. I’ve been told I’m pretty charismatic, which is a surprise to me

🍃 I’m so used to taking care of people that when somebody takes care of me, I get a little freaked out. I can be a little nervous about love in the beginning, but I come to pretty quick

🍃 I study like a maniac. I just LOVE learning new things

🍃 I look really sweet at first but then I turn right around and show my true chaotic self. I used to wander around in abandoned mineshafts as a kid, I swear like a sailor, and I have a terrible disregard for my own personal wellbeing

🍃 I can also be really anxious, overly sensitive and confrontational. I don’t start fights but I don’t back down from them easily

🍃 I give really good advice though. I’m really smart and have a lot of experience with different things, so I’m good at counseling people

🍃 I can’t stand being cooped up inside, I need outside time every day

🍃 I mainly write and draw, but I also love carving things like wood and stones. I mainly write comforting things for other people because I just want to make people feel better. The world is cruel, so I won’t be

Sorry that’s so much, I hope you’re doing well!! Thanks so much honey, have a great day!!

A/N: Hi, I am so glad you ask. You are the very first person to ever ask for a match-up for that thank you. I hope you enjoy this.

The Hobbit:

Your Match is Bofur.

Bofur would be a person who doesn't care what your sexuality or gender is, he would love you for who you are.

He would think your hair up in a bun makes you look really cute.

For your height let's just say he would give you a lot, and I mean a lot of hugs. (This man is a big softie, and I am not kidding.)

For your autism, he would think it's just another beautiful thing part of you.

He would think you are so funny because you can automatically come up with a joke and funny quips on the fly, which would automatically make him laugh, as well as make his day.

He would think your protectiveness to family, and friends, kind of make you attractive even though he won't admit it.

Now your chaotic self on the other hand, oh man, he would think it is just so adorable.

Every time you would start swearing like a sailor, let's just say he would start laughing and a few times he would fall out of his chair.

Bofur would love that you love to learn new things. He would definitely teach you how to make wooden toys by hand. It would definitely become you guys' favorite bonding moment to gather.

Bofur would definitely love to hear all the stories of things you did when you were a kid, especially about when you used to explore abandoned mineshafts as a kid.

Overrule Bofur would love you to pieces.

The lord of the rings:

Your Match is Frodo Baggins.

Ferst off this little hobbit would love you to pieces.

He would be really understanding that it would take you a while to get used to this new relationship.

Frodo wouldn't push you to do something if it made you uncomfortable.

This little hobbit would smirk everytime you get flustered. He would honestly think every time you're flustered and you have read little Rosy Cheeks he would think you were adorable.

Every time he would see your muscles or see you lift something he would get flustered.

(You two would definitely start a war on who can get the other flustered LOL...)

He would definitely give you a lot of physical affection like kisses on the cheek, hugs, kiss you on the top of your head, etc.

He would play with your hair and help put it up in the bun every morning.

Honestly even though you take care of a lot of people, he would try to take care of you and return even if it did make you flustered.

Honestly this little hobbit is very protective of you and loves you to pieces.

Even though you tell him you could take care of yourself he still will do it anyway.

He loves to hear all your stories when you where a kid, (Just like Bofur).

Overall this little hobbit loves you so so much.

[thetravelerwrites]

Birch (Centaur)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Female Human/Male Centaur Additional Tags: Exophilia, Monster Boyfriend, Centaur, Reader Insert Content Warnings: Communication Disorder, Social Communication Disorder, Anxiety, Autism, Autistic Reader, Semi-Verbal Autism, Semi-Verbal Reader, Overbearing Mother, Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Ableism Series: Shelter Forest Words: 4758

Commissioned by an anonymous party, Birch finally gets his own story! The reader, who has a communication disorder, meets and somehow befriends a beautiful centaur named Birch, who lives in the woods with his family and is known throughout the town as being a bit of a playboy and a flirt. When he realizes how poorly the reader is treated by her mother, he immediately tries to rescue her. Please reblog and leave feedback!

The Traveler's Masterlist

You first saw him when you were thirteen year old. You and your mother came to Coleville to beg for work after your father had kicked you both out of the house for another woman. You and your mother worked in the laundry and kitchen of the town’s most popular tavern, washing bed sheets and tableware, so you hadn’t really had the chance to meet him when he came into town to trade. You were only ever able to watch him from a distance

He was massive, friendly, and beautiful. His horse body was the size and color of a buckskin Andalusian, with a pale tan body fur and black socks. His skin was suntanned from working in the fields of his home farm and he always wore a simply-made tunic. His hair was short and black, and his tail was long and black, but his eyes were a bright, clear blue. He smiled easily and seemed to get along with everyone. You fell in love with him as soon as you laid eyes on him.

Well, no, you knew even then that it wasn’t love, it was just fascination and infatuation, but you couldn’t help yourself. You were overjoyed every time you saw him. Not that he’d ever notice you. You were just a plain, poor, chubby laundress with red, chapped hands and a future of working in a tavern for the rest of your life. Why would he even glance at you?

You wouldn’t be able to speak to him, even if he did. You were terribly shy and timid. You’d always been that way and couldn’t help it. Talking to people, looking them in the eye, facing confrontation, it all made you terrified and shaky. You barely spoke to anyone who wasn’t your parents, although you really didn’t speak to them that much, either. You were sure the most used word in your vocabulary was sorry.

When you were younger, your parents had hoped you’d grow out of it, but you never did. Once you hit puberty and was still unable to speak, your mother began to despair of you, pushing you to talk and berating you when you couldn’t, which only made you withdraw more. You couldn’t blame her for being exasperated with you; you were just as frustrated with yourself as she was. She never said it, but you knew she blamed you for your father rejecting you both.

Even though Birch usually came alone, you were sure he must already be married or have a lover, though he was openly flirtatious. You knew he’d had a few girls in town on occasion, having overheard them bragging about their nights with him, though they all seemed to be one-night trysts or affairs that didn’t last long. Perhaps he wasn’t even interested in settling down with anyone and was the playboy type. He was gorgeous enough for it.

Once or twice, he came to town with his family members or to visit family members who had settled here, like his brother Cetzu, the lizardfolk man running the orphanage with his wife. They were all a strange lot: some were human, most were not. You only ever saw one other centaur, and he looked nothing like Birch; he was a younger, smaller piebald named Yew with black skin, white hair, and pale eyes. You’d heard rumors that there was a mixed family in the woods, living on a farm, and that they were all sorts, but it didn’t really seem real to you until you saw them all together.

He’d come to town one day to buy seeds and supplies and came into the tavern for a drink. For centaurs, alcohol was basically food to them, so they drank heavily and often. A lot of centaurs you’d known got pretty rowdy, but Birch was always mindful. He held his ale well and knew when to stop before getting fully inebriated, careful not to make an ass of himself. He was considerate. You liked that about him.

You were working in the kitchens at the time when he arrived, and he sat at one of the tables designed for four-legged folk. It was a long table with no chairs or benches, but flat cushions instead. He folded his legs under him and flagged the waitress, smiling his dazzling smile, and ordered ale and some roasted vegetables. You were neglecting your work, but even if it was just a few seconds, you wanted to commit his image to memory as often as you could.

“Oi!” The waitress, Cathy, hissed as she came toward the door of the kitchen to put in Birch’s order. “What are you doing?!”

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” You said, barely audibly.

“Go take him his ale,” She said. “We’re understaffed. If you’re going to be in the way, the least you can do is be useful.”

“I…!" You protested, but she pushed past you into the kitchen to yell at the cook. With you heart in your throat, you rushed to fill a clean tankard and skittered it over, setting it down on the table in front of him without looking at him.

“Ah, that was fast,” Birch said, his voice deep, rich, and wonderful to the ear. “You’re a lovely little thing. Are you new, sweet pea? I haven’t seen you in the tavern before.”

You looked down at the ground and didn’t answer. You weren’t sure what to do, whether to stay and try to be friendly, or retreat back to the kitchen, so you were frozen there with indecision, looking at the floor.

“Hey now, don’t be shy, love. I don’t bite,” He said, you assumed in an attempt to be flirty, reaching for your hand. You snatched your hand away impulsively and ran back to the kitchen.

Your heart was racing and your mind reeling. Why did I do that? You thought, covering your face with your hands. He probably thinks I’m crazy or a complete shrew! I should never leave the back rooms again and just stick to washing dishes.

After a few moments, though, your mother pulled you away from washing by the arm.

“What did you do?” She asked angrily. “One of the customers is asking for you!”

You panicked. “I… I just… I brought him his drink…” You whispered in terror.

“Come on,” She gripped your arm and pulled you back out into the tavern common room, where Birch was still sitting. He looked at you with a frown. Oh god, he looks annoyed, you thought nervously.

“Miss,” He said, and you stared at your feet, unable to look up. “I think I may have frightened or upset you. I’m sorry, I sometimes forget that not everyone is receptive to my personality or sense of humor.”

You were completely unable to speak and kept your head down, your shoulders hunched.

“Say something!” Your mother hissed at you, and you could only shrink into yourself further. “I’m sorry, sir,” Your mother said in exasperation. “My daughter is as timid as a field mouse. She can’t speak to other people and she never looks people in the eye. She can barely even speak to me. She’s always been like this.”

“Oh,” He said, sounding concerned. “Is she unwell?”

“Probably,” Your mother replied in annoyance, and you pulled away even further. “Though the doctors can’t tell us what’s wrong with her. She usually stays in the kitchen and laundry away from the customers. I don’t know what possessed her to come out here and bother you.”

“C… Ca…” You stuttered, struggling to speak in your defense, looking back toward the kitchen, where Cathy was hovering by the door.

“Oh, did Cathy ask you to bring me my drink?” He asked kindly.

You nodded fervently.

“I understand. I’m sorry that she put you in an uncomfortable situation, and I apologize for making it worse.”

Your mother sighed wearily. “Sir, don’t apologize to her. It’s not your fault that she can’t function like a normal adult.”

That hurt. You were on the verge of tears and hugged your arms around yourself, desperately wanting to escape back to the kitchen.

“Even so,” He said, his voice cold, but softened when he addressed you. “I’m very sorry, miss.”

You nodded once and shuffled quickly back to the kitchen, unable to keep the tears from falling. Your mother rejoined you a few minutes later.

“You could have at least apologized to him,” He said, taking the plates as you washed them to rinse them off and put them in the rack. “Why do you have to embarrass me like that? How hard is it to say ‘thank you’ or ‘I’m sorry’?” She sighed sharply and wiped her hands. “Don’t you dare get us fired.” And she walked off, leaving you weeping into the dishwater.

Cathy heard the entire thing and came over sheepishly.

“Hey… I’m sorry I got you in trouble with your ma,” She said. “I forgot about the speaking thing. I was just in a rush and I didn’t think.”

You shook your head. Cathy was the one person who you might call a friend. She was a little brusque and had a short fuse, but she was one of the few who didn’t make fun of your stuttering and silence or look down their nose at you.

“Listen, Birch is a really nice guy. He plays around and has his fun with the girls, but he’s never hurt anyone on purpose. He wasn’t trying to make fun of you or make you feel bad.”

You nodded shortly. You knew that. He was being friendly; that’s just how he talked to people. But being humiliated in front of him was a torture unlike anything you’d felt before, and it hurt.

The next day, you were feeding the chickens in the coop outside of the tavern when you looked up and saw him exiting the tavern. He noticed you right away, and you turned immediately and tried to flee.

“Hey, wait!” He called. “Wait, please!”

You stood with your back to him but you stayed put. You heard him trotting up to you, his hoof-beats heavy.

“Hey, listen, I wanted to apologize again,” He said. “To just you this time. I don’t know what your mother’s problem is, but what she said… that was uncalled for. You didn’t deserve that.”

You turned to face him but you didn’t look up, focusing instead on his large hooves. You shook your head. No, he was wrong. You did deserve it.

“You can’t help how you are,” He said. “It’s not your fault. I have a little brother who has trouble talking to people, too. It’s the exact opposite of your problem; he says exactly what’s on his mind with no filter. He can’t control it and it embarrasses him sometimes. It’s not the same, I know, but I understand that it can be hard.”

He was so nice. You were able to lift your head a little, but you still couldn’t look him in the face.

“My name is Birch,” He said. “What’s yours?”

You opened your mouth but nothing came out, so you shut it again.

“Hmm,” He hummed. “Can you write?”

You shook your head.

“Um… sign language?”

You answered no again.

“I see,” He said, sighing. “I… I’ll be honest… I don’t want to leave you here with that mother of yours. I’m not sure what kind of relationship you have with her, but the way she talks to you…” He pawed the ground in annoyance. “It bothers me. Does she do that a lot? Make fun of you in front of other people?”

You shrugged, embarrassed.

He sidestepped in an anxious way and swished his tail. “I have to go back home later today,” He said. “Are… are you going to be okay?”

You nodded.

“Are you sure?”

Another nod.

“Well… alright,” He said. “Look, um… if you ever need to… you know… leave this place, talk to Cathy. She knows where my family’s farm is. She can help you get there. If you need to.”

You nodded again, and he turned to leave, but an unfamiliar impulse compelled you to rush forward and take hold of the hem of his tunic. He stopped and looked at you, though he could only see the top of your head.

“Th…” You gulped, your throat dry, your heart beating in your throat. “Tha… ank…you…” You managed to choke out. “H… Haz…zel…”

“You’re name is Hazel?” He asked, a smile in his voice.

You nodded emphatically.

You felt him put a hand on top of your head and and sort of rubbed his fingers against your scalp. It felt nice, even though you weren’t used to physical touch. Your mother wasn’t exactly the affectionate sort.

“You take care, okay?” He said, taking his hand back. “I’ll be back in a few days. I look forward to seeing you again.”

That evening, you were in the room you shared with your mother as she brushed her hair for bed when she mentioned nonchalantly, “I saw you with that centaur man today. What did he say to you?”

“...he… nothing…” You said vaguely.

“Then why did he touch you? And why were you touching him?” She asked, her voice flat.

“I…” You gulped. “I… don’t know…” You said truthfully.

“Oh, really? You don’t know? You don’t know why a man like him would touch you? You know his reputation in this town. He’s trying to take advantage of you because you're simple.”

“He was… just… being nice…” You said softly.

Your mother snorted. “Men aren’t nice without a reason. I thought you’d know that by now.” She threw down her hairbrush onto the night table and lay down in your shared bed. “You’re not going to have anything to do with him from now on, do you understand? It shouldn’t be difficult for you to manage that, should it?”

You didn’t say anything, just sat at the table and stared into the fire.

“It’s for your own good,” She said, facing away from you. “I know I’m strict with you, but… I don’t want you to get hurt.”

You have no problem with me getting hurt when you’re the one doing it, you thought to yourself, but you couldn’t say it. You knew she was right, though. He was a flirt and a bit of a libertine, and you thought that perhaps he was only being nice to you because he saw you as low hanging fruit. It hurt to think of him that way, but it was the only thing that made sense.

He did return in a few days, an older woman riding on his back. She was lovely, even at her age, and was wearing trousers and a practical shirt, but no bodice or ladies coat. Her brown hair was caught back in a tight braid, a few strands of grey weaved in and out.

You saw them arrive from the window of your room as you were getting ready for the day. He was as handsome as always, and you watched him wistfully. As if he could sense you, he looked up and saw you at the window. He smiled at you and waved. Remembering what your mother said, you were unable to smile back and walked away from the window without acknowledging him. You hoped he wouldn’t be too angry at you.

Before you could start work in the laundry, Cathy called you out.

“Birch and his mother are here,” She said, keeping her voice down so that your mother wouldn’t hear. “They want to see you.”

“I cant…” You said in your normal whisper. “Mama will be angry…”

“Don’t worry about your ma right now,” Cathy said dismissively. “You don’t deserve the shit she gives you, you’re just too shy to tell her off. Just go see what they want. Maybe it’s a chance to get out from under her thumb.”

You had to admit, you did wish for that. You loved your mother, and she loved you in her own way, but you knew she resented you and it was just… exhausting, dealing with her reproachfulness and cutting words every day. You were just too scared to leave on your own.

You thought long and hard about it, looking around to see if your mother was anywhere near. When you didn’t see her, you looked up at Cathy, looking just past her behind her ear instead of at her face, and nodded. She took you by the hand and led you out to the dining area. Birch and his mother were sitting at the four-legged table, with his mother having dragged over a chair to sit with him comfortably.

“Oh, good, there you are,” Birch said. “When you didn’t react this morning, I was worried something had happened. Mama, this is the young woman I was telling you about.”

He told his mother about you? Why?

“I see, I see,” The older woman said. “My name is Ryel, I’m Birch’s mother. Your name is Hazel, right?”

You nodded, unable to look up.

“Goodness, you are rather shy, aren’t you, dear?” She said sympathetically. You chewed your lip, unable to respond. “My son tells me you’re illiterate, is that correct?”

You nodded.

“I imagine that makes communicating with other people very difficult,” She said.

You nodded again.

“So, how about this?” She said, leaning forward. “Why don’t you come to the farm with me for the summer? I’ll teach you how to read and write, and in exchange, you help me out around the farm. How does that sound?”

For the first time in your life, you were surprised into looking someone in the face. She was smiling warmly at you

“I’m getting older and I could use an assistant. My children all have their own work and families to look after and I’d feel as if I were taking advantage of them if I expected them to follow me around and help me all day.”

“Mama, you know we’d do it happily,” Birch said.

“I know that,” She said, hushing him. “Even still, I’d prefer to hire someone for the task, and if I can help them at the same time, why shouldn’t I?” She leaned forward. “What do you say, dear?”

This is exactly what you wanted. A job that was away from your mom. This was your chance. You opened your mouth, as if to answer, when you heard a sharp voice behind you.

“Hazel!” Your mother said, irate, and stalked out of the kitchen toward you, grabbing you by the arm. “Stop bothering these people! Get back to the laundry.”

Birch’s back leg kicked slightly in irritation, thumping the wood of the floor, but Ryel kept her composure.

“She’s not bothering us in the least, madam,” She said calmly. “I’ve actually come here to offer her a job.”

Your mother scoffed. “A job? Doing what?”

“As my assistant,” Ryel said. “I’m a jack of all trades type, you might say, and I’m willing to take her on in exchange for room and board, plus an education.”

“You’re wasting your time,” Your mother said, her grip rather strong on your arm. “My daughter is not capable of making her own decisions.”

“How old is your daughter?” Ryel asked.

“She’s nineteen,” Your mother replied. “But I’m afraid she’s a bit slow. Trying to teach her wouldn’t benefit either of you.”

You frowned, upset. That wasn’t true, you weren’t slow. In fact, you thought you learned rather quickly, you’d just hadn’t had the chance to learn very many new things.

“Be that as it may,” Ryel replied, her voice still even. “Your daughter is an adult and has the right to choose what she wants.”

“Nonsense,” Your mother said. “Besides, even if I allowed this, I don’t want her anywhere near him.” She jerked her chin toward Birch.

Birch bristled. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I know what kind of man you are,” She hissed. “How many lovers you’ve had in just this town alone? How many broken hearts have you left in your wake? I know you have ulterior motives for wanting to take her from here, and I won’t stand for it. She’s simpleminded and vulnerable, and I won’t let you dishonor her and return her to me used and broken.”

“Stop talking like she can’t hear every vile thing you say about her!” Birch shouted, slamming his fist into the table, making you jump. “I would never do something so shameful! You don’t know anything about me! ”

“Son, calm down,” Ryel said, putting her hand on his. “My son is a grown man of twenty-eight and has desires, true, but I’ve been to this town quite often and I haven’t found any such string of broken hearts, as you call it. Many sighing and wistful girls who long for his company, sure, but not one of them has come to me with tears in her eyes claiming he lied or misled her. He’s open and forthright about his intentions, and I respect his decisions. You should do the same for your child.”

“Don’t talk to me about my child if you can’t even control your own,” Your mother said venomously. “Hazel, let’s go.”

She tried to lead you away, but you refused to move. There were hurt and anxious tears in your eyes and you couldn’t look at anyone, but you refused to let her pull you away.

“Hazel!” She gripped your arm and yanked you painfully, and you wrenched your arm from her grasp, shaking your head.

“It seems like she’s made her choice,” Ryel said. “The least you can do as her mother is respect her wishes.”

“Be quiet!” Your mother said. “Leave us alone!” She grabbed your hands and started to pull you back to the kitchen. Birch got to his feet.

“Let her go,” He said, his voice a low growl, knocking her hands away from you. He stood between you and your mother. You dared to reach out and place a hand on the fur of his back to steady yourself.

“What’s going on here?” The bartender, Brian, asked. He also owned the tavern and knew about your condition. He didn’t speak to you much, but he also didn’t tease you either. You could handle understanding silence a lot better than persistent expectation to interact. “Are you alright, Hazel?”

You were shaking and crying, so you could only shake your head.

“These people won’t leave us alone,” You mother said. “I’d like them to leave.”

“Now, Rita, these people are good customers and friends of mine. I’m going to need more of a reason than ‘they’re bothering me’ to kick them out.”

“We simply offered young Hazel here a job on the farm,” Ryel said patiently. “I’m afraid her mother is interfering with her decision.”

“Is that true, Hazel?” Brian asked. “Would you like to take up this job?”

Trembling, you nodded.

“Well, then, that settles it, doesn’t it?” Brian said. “These are good folks, Hazel, they’ll take care of you.”

“Like hell they will,” You mother retorted. “She can’t make decisions like this. She doesn't understand.”

Brian sighed. “Rita, your girl’s not stupid, and it’s high time you stopped treating her like she is.”

Your mother looked like she’d been slapped in the face. You looked up at Brian in shock. He smiled kindly at you.

“Why don’t you go up and pack your things while your mother and I have a little chat, eh, dear?” He said.

You attempted to smile at him, though you worried it looked a little like you had indigestion, and went to pack. You took a few minutes to sit on the bed and breathe, clutching your chest, feeling a panic attack poking at your brain. You couldn’t believe it. You were really leaving.

There was a knock on your door and Ryel poked her head in.

“Are you alright, dear? That was quite the fuss,” She said.

You dried your face and nodded, getting up to start putting clothes in a bag.

“I sent Birch outside. He was getting rather angry, and I didn’t want him smashing any of Brian’s furniture.”

You looked out the window. Birch was standing in the courtyard with his arms crossed, stamping the ground and stepping constantly, as if he couldn’t stand still. His brow was furrowed, his jaw was working, and his tail was swishing back and forth without stopping.

“He’s worried for you, dear,” She said, following your gaze. “One thing our entire family has in common is that we don’t like seeing people mistreated. You’re mother may have her reasons for acting as she does, and perhaps it is out of some misplaced notion of love, but there’s no doubt in my mind at all that she mistreats you. You can’t help the way you are, and no amount of her cruel words are going to fix that. In fact, I’m more than certain it makes it worse.”

You sighed sadly in agreement. As you stood there, Birch looked up at your window. He smiled, a little sadder than before, and waved up at you. This time, you raised a hand and waved back.

The door opened and your mother walked in, glaring at Ryel.

“I’d like to speak to my daughter alone, if you please,” She said, her voice low and hostile.

Ryel looked at you questioningly, and you nodded. “I’ll be right outside if you need me,” She said, and walked out, closing the door behind her.

Your mother just stared at you with her arms crossed, shaking her head slightly. You looked down and away.

“I guess I should just be glad you won’t be around to humiliate me anymore,” She said, and you shrunk in on yourself. “I don’t like this at all, but it seems I have no say in the matter. You made sure of that, didn’t you?”

You knew she was hurt and was lashing out. She wasn’t exactly sweet and caring on her best days, but she could really cut a person to the quick when she was upset.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” She asked you, and you could hear tears in her voice. “Nothing at all? You can’t muster the courage to apologize to me for that display downstairs? For leaving me without a thought to my feelings? I’ve spent the last seven years protecting you and providing for you after your useless father threw us out, and you do this to me? And you have nothing to say?”

You didn’t say anything. Instead, you walked up to her and put your arms around her waist and lay your head on her shoulder.

“I’ll miss you, Mama,” You said softly.

She started to sob and put her arms around your shoulders. It had been years since she’d last hugged you.

“You’d better start sending me letters as soon as you learn how to,” She said, her voice breaking. “If I don’t hear something from you in a few months, I’m going out there to drag you back, you understand me?”

“Yes, Mama,” You whispered, and took a step back. Picking up your bag, you opened the door and walked out. Ryel was waiting and smiled when she saw you.

“Ready?” She asked.

You nodded.

Back outside, Birch was waiting. He stopped shifting around anxiously when he saw you and his mother exit the tavern.

“Everything okay?” He asked.

“Everything’s just fine,” Ryel said. “We’re ready to go.”

“Would you like to ride on my back?” Birch asked, turning.

You shook your head fervently, mortified.

“Are you sure?” He said. “It’s a long walk back to the farm, over four hours. I can get us there in half the time.”

“She’s feeling shy,” Ryel said. “For centaurs, letting people ride on their back is a special privilege afforded to few. I’ll ride with you.” She grinned at him. “He always makes an exception for his mother.”

He grinned at her in return. “You just assume I do.” But he took out a quilted riding blanket that was rolled up and tied to the bottom of his pack and handed it to her, and she set it on his back. Climbing the steps to the tavern, she vaulted onto his back. She instructed you to do the same. Blushing furiously, with both Ryel and Birch’s help, you were able to scramble on in front of her.

“Let’s go,” He said, and he took off at a trot out of town.

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My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

[black-rose-writings]

Reading Siege and Storm because I hate myself

To begin, I’d like to state that this is my first read-through and I only have vague idea of the plot I’ve gathered from fanfics and tumblr posts.

Long post ahead

Chapter 1

So... at first I was like - huh, this isn’t as bad as I thought, but the moment Alina gets introspective, it all goes to hell.

Like, she’s being physically made sick by not using her powers, which is making her feel useless - like, she says, pretty much verbatim: “The only thing I was ever good at was being a Sun Summoner and I’m not that anymore.”

I’m gonna beat those paragraphs over the head of anyone, who says Alina got a good ending.

I’ve also noticed just how often the like “I pushed that thought away” is used and more often than not, it’s used on thoughts that should probably not be pushed away.

Ah, yes, here he comes, my boy Darkles, being the dramatic bitch he always is. We get it, you’re the hot villain, tempting the good and pure heroine away from being good and pure.

And I’m just now realizing how many times in this chapter has Alina lamented their lack of privacy. We have to ensure the reader doesn’t hink she’s *gasp* sleeping with Mal.

Chapter 2

What?

Alina is tripping balls while being put under by a Heartrender, got it.

Darkling is being the voice of reason, but I’m getting the distinct feeling it won’t last.

Ivan gets one point, because Alina is in fact a traitor, but he’s also being a cunt, so it doesn’t really count.

Alina at Sturmhond: Do you even care about Ravka?

Me at Alina: Do you?

Chapter 3

“Mermaids are not real”. I’m pretty sure they are in the Grishaverse.

My boy Darkles is still making sense, but Alina is dedicated to being against him just for the hell of it, it seems.

Did this bitch just throw a tantrum, because he told her, what we can assume is the truth? Okay. Like, I get that she’s at best 18, but still. Not exactly the type of protagonist whose head I like being in.

And in that moment, dozens of smut fics were born.

Chapter 4

Wow, that was quick.

Aaand. What had just happened?

Chapter 5

Sturmhond is a funny bitch, I’ll give him that.

And this entire conversation, it seems like Mal’s entire purpose is to stand behind Alina threateningly and repeat what she said, lol.

I’d like to remind Alina (and LB) that a king in an absolutist monarchy (which is what Ravka appears to be) is very much a tyrant. Don’t make it sound like Ravka didn’t have a tyrant before. And at the very least, my boy Darkles seems pretty competent.

A man calling himself a Storm Dog likes dogs. No shit.

Chapter 6

I hate Mal. Dude, this is your girlfriend, maybe like... listen to her? Don’t bludgeon her with the one other guy she was kinda-sorta with, when you are a well known manwhore?

I don’t know man, I don’t like him.

Everyone: You can’t have more than one amplifier, it’s dangerous.

Alina: Haha, sparkles go brrrr

Chapter 7

In other news, pirates are funny.

Holy shit, they have a plane.

That was... a lot. And we’re crossing the Fold again, yay.

Chapter 8

You feel bad for the Volcra but not for the people you’ve left for dead in the Fold last time? Okay.

Baby Volcra. Am I supposed to say “ew” or “aww”? If I tried doing both at the same time, it would probably sound like one.

Jesus fucking Christ this book is a ride.

Did Alina really just have an “oh no, he’s hot?” moment? *sighs*

Puppy boy has a title longer than Daenerys, jesus.

Alina, my dear, you could have waited for a bit before doing that. There’s like thirty soldier with guns around you and you’ve just punched a prince.

Then again, you’ve never been smart, have you?

Chapter 9

For once, I completely agree with him. I know you two have lost your one shared braincell on that first crossing of the Fold but still, that was very dumb of you, Alina.

I’m starting to get why people were calling Nikolai “Darkling light”. Definitelly seems appropriate.

Mal, calm the fuck down, that was the least romantic proposal I’ve ever heard and you know it.

You two didn’t even let Alina get a word in for the last page. What right do you have to her, Mal, huh? Nikolai is making sense and you’re being an idiot.

What’s your deal Mal? What the fuck do you want?

And why in the hell are you the endgame love interest?

That’s an awful lot of guilt-tripping you’re doing there, Mal. No need to be pissy about it.

Chapter 10

The bones thing is definitelly yikes.

Saints, Mal, are you on your period or something? Alina doesn’t belong to you. Alina can make her own choices. Get a grip.

“You think I’m like the Darkling?” Yes. The Darkling isn’t all bad. You’re at war. No need to get your panties in a twist over a few fingers.

Oh, look, Alina has a cult now, nice.

Chapter 11

Your “dad” is a rapist, Nikolai. Quite possibly a pedo. He got exactly what he deserved.

I’d go for the second option. Especially after that stunt. Jesus, you could have asked her beforehand.

At least Darkles had the decency to make out with her in private.

Also like... why is every single person in this series so far an asshole?

Chapter 12

We meet the King again, unfortunately.

Alina gets Darkles’s old job.

This should be a total disaster, but let’s see where it goes anyway.

Chapter 13

Alina’s nuts, yay.

(I know they have a Force-bond-thingy. I also know they did it before Reylo did.)

Chapter 14

Oh boy, Alina’s not doing as bad as I thought.

For the 100th time in this book, I wish I had Nikolai’s confidence. Though it is getting a bit too much.

Puppy boy is dropping some truth bombs. Nice.

But he doesn’t realize that my boy Darkles has very good reasons to not align with Fjerdans - a) they think he’s a demon and b) they want Grisha dead.

I’m not gonna say she was, but like... the monarchy is very much corrupt.

Oh, boy, Baghra. This one’s gonna go well.

Yep, Baghra’s as pleasant as ever.

So... Baghra’s plan in book 1 really had been to just have Alina run away and hope for the best? Jesus Christ, lady. I’m not saying she deserved to have her eyes taken away, but she is definitelly a trash person and I’m not surprised her son turned out the way he did.

Also, I’m fairly certain that Baghra is literally slowly killing herself - that the reason she looks so old and frail is because she’s started to supress her power and it’s literally killing her, because, you know, she’s bonkers old.

Chapter 15

Nerd Alina > Self-pitying Alina

Also, I’m just saying, Alina comments on Zoya being attractive a whole lot - I get that she’s meant to be insecure, but I’m interpreting it as her being gay, because I need some happiness in my life, okay?

Just kill the sleazy old Rasputin-wanna-be. There’s plenty of them to go around in this series.

Chapter 16

Vasily takes after his father in creep factor.

Why not the Darkling being courted by a horny prince? Be a bit creative.

Chapter 17

Nikolai has big ADHD energy and I love him for it. Fits right in with the heavily autism-coded Fabricators.

*sighs at heteronormativity again*

*sighs at improper gendering of titles*

Date night with Mal. This is gonna be a disaster, isn’t it?

Chapter 18

Fun night of cultural appropriation, yay.

I hate cultists.

LET. ALINA. GO. FERAL. Please.

You two are going to give me a headache, I swear.

Darkles cockblocking Alina. And Malice threw a tantrum. Nice.

Chapter 19

You’re way too harsh on Genya, Alina.

Horny Alina rights.

They have a laser, now. Cool. Or, well, enormously hot.

Mal is being a drunk a-hole. Great. When does he become likable? Does he ever?

Banter between Mal and Alina? Kinda weird, always somehow comes back to either of them being insecure.

Banter between Alina and Nikolai? I’m all for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a Darklina trash, but like... Nikolai is fun. I could see him and Alina having an arranged political marriage and ending up falling in love years into it, that’s all I’m saying.

Chapter 20

Just let this one go, Alina, please. You two are not working out. Please, end it with him. You’ll both probably be happier. (I’m saying this with the full knowledge that Malina is endgame).

Jesus Alina, get your shit together. You have every right to be mad, because you two didn’t actually break up, you didn’t kiss Nikolai and also, I don’t like Mal.

Sooo... when is Alina going to realize her manchild of a boyfriend is an amplifier?

Chapter 21

Alina has the horny sickness, lol.

Jesus Christ, girl, I don’t want to read your vaguely suicidal thoughts.

Mal, you fucking idiot.

Alina, stop defending Mal.

Chapter 22

Alina has a logical thought? Impossible.

Finally, some action.

Chapter 23

Oh, boi, this is going great.

Oh, boi, Alina’s having another martyr moment.

And, we’re done.

Finally.

That was a ride. Nothing really happens for like ten chapters and then everything happens in one and a half.

[wispforever]

how about stein for the character thing? btw i love ur soul eater content ♡!!

Yes, please. Give me an excuse to talk about him jesus h christ. This is actually really funny because I've been obsessed with Soul Eater for like nine months now, Stein being at the center of all of it, really, and my first impression of him was something like "oh god with this shit again". When I first met Stein as a character I was still getting into the Soul Eater aesthetic and trying to decide if I was gonna cringe or binge, ya dig? And Stein is BY FAR one of Soul Eater's most unconventional characters as far as design (going by what's considered in the ballpark and going too far in the critical bullshit world of creators). The guy has a fucking bolt through his head for christ sake. Everything he's even marginally associated with has his signature aesthetic literally stitched into it- the building where he works/lives, the rollerchair he skirts around on, his clothes, his soul, even himself. So me, being just another uncultured motherfucker who falls into that "shows have to look a certain way to be good" bullshit, decided upon seeing him, that Stein was too deviantart for someone of my refined taste to ever develop a liking for. Just goes to show what a fickle bitch I really am. I bet I changed my mind in less than 5 minutes. What a great character introduction- wipe out on a chair twice, lie on the ground while you’re threatened by the DWMA, and then fight several children. Let’s not forget the best part “lmao jk i’m gonna be your fucking teacher” legend.

Of course all the automatic superficial thoughts about media we haven’t consumed yet are utter horseshit and actually cringe culture in general is horseshit, so boo to me, one day I’ll learn to stop judging things at face value (probably not). Now, I love Stein, obviously, and the Soul Eater aesthetic is one of the most goddamn iconic anime art styles that exists fight me. You know that whole anime trope like “guess who the main character is” [cut to a scene filled with basic janes and johns, save for the pink-haired, spiky-styled, gay-as-shit motherfucker right smack dab in the center of the screen]? Soul Eater fixes that by making everyone look totally fucking insane. So, moral of the story, I recant all of my shitty opinions that existed for apprroximately 2 entire shitty minutes before I realized what a masterpiece Franken Stein and subsequently Soul Eater is. (Of course there are things I’m critical of, and I could talk about them at length, but that’s not what this post is about)

How am I supposed to pick my favorit moment with Stein. Every fucking moment he’s on screen is fantastic. He’s flyin around in his rollerchair, he’s teasing Spirit, he’s being a teacher who clearly has no formal training, he’s trying not to lose control while being haunted by evil snake lady. What’s not to love? If I had to pick a favorite though, it would probably be a small moment over the bigger ones. Like, the fight scenes? Kickass. I get it. However, how about the time when Stein lies, throws on a fake smile to comfort Maka after he operates on Soul? How about when he’s sitting on the basketball court watching Spirit almost die because he’s so happy his daughter showed him any positive attention at all, and Stein’s first thought is “I don’t Get that”. How about “you’re just like me; you can’t possibly understand love.” WOW FUCK ME UP. There’s so many scenes that show how alienated Stein feels from the rest of the characters who love and care about him. It shows how he fails to recognize that he IS loveable and IS capable of love, not to mention he loves pretty often and pretty fiercely. However, Stein sees his expression of love and care, as well as just his general self-expression, and rightly notices that it’s different from how others (like Spirit) express themselves.The mistake he makes is that he equates being different with being wrong. This has to do with him being queer and autism-coded. That’s a whole nother meta.

Don’t even ask me about my story ideas for Stein. There’s so many. There’s So much. Most of them are filled with trauma, and ALL of them are gay. I actually just got done writing a fanfic of him and Spirit when they were in the academy. Let me know if that’s something any of you are interested in. I’ve been trying to decide if I should keep it to myself or if I should die of embarassment lmao

I don’t know if I have any “unpopular” opinions about Stein. I don’t pay enough attention to anybody else in the fandom to gauge what people like and what they don’t. I’m just gonna go with the old classic and say that someone somewhere is probably mad that Stein is queer-coded and autism-coded and that I happen to say it out loud. Also there’s probably someone waiting to hop inside my inbox about drawing Stein trans. So yay for being unpopular. Fuck you

Who can guess which of Stein’s relationships is my favorite? Go ahead guess. What can I say, we love when 2 idiots who don’t know how to love learn how to love together. and also they’re gay

I don’t have a lot of headcanons for Stein. That’s partially due to me accepting most of my conjecture as canon because it is either 1. heavily implied, 2. literally indisputable subtext, or 3. technically unable to be disproven. One that I do think of, which is cuter than most of my headcanons, goes like this: So I have this idea that Stein punched that bolt through his head after Spirit left because he no longer had a weapon who could regulate is wavelength. So, when he turns the bolt, it’s to change the shape of his soul and control whatever is going on in there that he doesn’t like. That said, the inverse should be true, that if his soul and the bolt are attached, whenever his wavelength changes dramatically or suddenly, it should cause the bolt to move. So like, what if, when Stein gets really excited or happy or whatever, the bolt turns and settles into place and you can hear the little happy clicks TvT

ANYWAY this post is WAY too long, but I will gladly elaborate on anything I said here, so thanks for the ask and feel free to send more.