#couldn’t trust someone so similar) so i want to explore that a bit !! i’d like to think rowena made amends with anora bc anora isn’t stupid

[pinkfey]

kat and anora getting married in private,,,,,,, snifts ;-;

[lettheladylead]

Not Your Aunt

Chapter 8: Webby [ao3 link]

It had officially been one week since Goldie first stepped foot in the manor. And she was still there. This was the longest she’d ever spent in Scrooge’s home since his cabin in the Klondike (excluding times when she was sick or injured, of course).

She was pretty sure, by this point, that Scrooge was avoiding her. He’d been spending a lot of time with his daughter (or whatever) and a lot of time at the Money Bin trying to fix the many issues that cropped up over the past few months with his money managers betraying him, but then even the time he did spend at the manor seemed to always involve other people besides her. The only alone time they’d had was right after he crawled into bed, but every single night their conversations were brief and then he’d fall right to sleep.

So she was a little annoyed. She’d had a few conversations with the kids, sat in on a few dinners, harassed Beakley, been harassed by Sharpie...it’d been quite the couple of days. But it was getting late and she couldn’t wait much longer to talk to him about how she was feeling or how he was feeling or where they might want their relationship to go after all of this…

Ugh. Goldie sighed and wandered around the upstairs hallway. She hated thinking about mushy family stuff, but ever since Florida she’d been feeling an unstoppable pull towards the Ducks and she kind of wanted to relax and see what could happen. But if Scrooge couldn’t make any time for her in the next few days, she was definitely leaving and not coming back for at least a year. Love or not, she did not take well to being ignored.

A door ajar in the distance caught Goldie’s attention and she started walking towards it, curiosity being the best cure for her boredom. She wasn’t sure what that room was - Scrooge didn’t redecorate much, but she couldn’t keep track of everything since he collected so much junk and had 50 regular rooms plus another 10 secret rooms and who could remember all of that?

Goldie tried to peek inside, but it was pretty dark except for a small light in the corner. With a shrug, she forwent her usual sneakiness and just fully opened the door to let the light from the hallway light up the room.

She was met with a surprised chirp and two bright eyes staring directly at her.

Goldie stared back, not sure what to make of what she was seeing.

Webbigail was sitting on a table near the back of the room with a giant book on her lap - surrounded by heaps of other similar-looking books. She looked sweaty and grimy, and the whole room was covered in a thick layer of dust.

“...wh-what are you doing here?!” Webby asked, closing the book that was on her lap.

Goldie raised an eyebrow and decided this situation was interesting enough to explore. “I could ask you the same thing,” she said as she took a few steps towards the girl.

Webby frowned and shook her head for a second before wiping her hand across the cover of the book. “I was, um...well...trying to learn some stuff.”

Goldie leaned against the table Webby was sitting on and craned her neck so she could properly see what she was holding. Oh. “In an ancient photo album?”

“Yeah,” Webby said a little sadly. “Uncle S-, er...my dad has been telling me all about our family...well, just more than usual, I guess...but some things still weren’t quite adding up and I thought maybe I could piece things together on my own.”

Goldie raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl without responding.

She didn’t seem to notice. “I’ve always liked connecting things together...before I was told anything about the McDuck Clan or my dad’s life story, I went through all his different biographies and the photos he has around the house and tried to figure it all out myself. And now he’s telling me things that almost, like...conflict with other things he’s said or other things I’ve read about and it’s just getting confusing.”

“Well,” Goldie said quietly, “he is pretty old, you know. Could be he’s just forgetting some things or mixing up stories.”

“But...but he’s Scrooge McDuck!” Webby said with a frown, opening the photo album again. “It’s one thing to forget a few details from a story, but like…” She pointed to a photo of Scrooge’s parents and a very small baby duckling. “The back of this photo says it’s from 1939, but whose baby is that?! Hortense didn’t have kids until the 1980s and Matilda never had kids so is this just some random baby or-”

“That’s Gideon,” the blonde answered, pointing to the way the baby’s hair stuck out at the top. “Scrooge’s half-brother.”

Webby stared at the photo again, then up at Goldie, her mouth wide open in shock. “Wh...wait, so...does that mean one of my grandparents had a baby with someone else while they were still married?”

“Uhh…” Goldie leaned back and scratched her neck. She knew Scrooge didn’t like to talk about his brother much, but she’d met the man a few times so there was no point ignoring the physical similarities. Though the complications of his conception might be why Scrooge didn’t bring him up. “...something like that. Don’t worry about the details too much.”

“Worrying about the details is exactly why I’m here,” Webby mumbled, flipping through a few more pages. She glanced up at Goldie. “You know my family really well, don’t you?”

“Not by choice, but yeah. If you think Scrooge loves to talk about his family now, you wouldn’t believe how he was back in the day. Very talkative.”

“I know the feeling,” Webby said, chuckling a bit to herself. “Lena said I’ve always been a little too obsessed with the McDuck family and now I’ve gotten even worse.”

Goldie felt an unfamiliar twinge in her chest and plopped a hand down on Webby’s head. “If she’s still sticking around, it doesn’t bother her as much as she says it does. Trust me.”

The preteen seemed to think about that, letting out a low hum while she considered Goldie’s words. “Trusting you doesn’t seem like the smart thing to do, but it sounds like you’re talking from experience.”

Goldie removed her hand from Webby’s head and shoved it back in her pocket. “Despite what your granny says, I’m not always lying.”

Webby turned her whole body towards Goldie. “I don’t think you were lying about Gideon either...so...would it be okay if I asked you about other confusing photos from any of these albums?”

Goldie sighed and lifted herself up to sit on the table, too. “You can. I really think you should just ask Scrooge about all this stuff, though. A few memory lapses here and there doesn’t mean he’s going to withhold entire family members from you.”

“I know, I know,” Webby mumbled and held the album against her chest. “I’m just still getting used to all this. I feel like I should know all these people already, y’know? Like...like Elvira Coot, the mother of Quackmore Duck, isn’t related to Scrooge McDuck at all, but they refer to each other as cousins in a lot of old letters. Is it just them being friendly with each other? Or is my research totally and completely wrong?”

“They’ve just known each other for a very long time,” Goldie said matter-of-factly. “Some people call old friends brother or sister, some people call them cousin. Scrooge usually just generally calls everyone his family, but some people get friendly little titles.”

“That’s very confusing.”

“It is what it is,” Goldie bent one of her legs so she could lean on her knee. “Scrooge has always enjoyed being a little confusing.”

“Is that why he likes you? ‘Cause you’re confusing, too?” Webby asked with an innocent tilt of her head.

Goldie rolled her eyes. “Maybe. I’m sure he’s got a long list of reasons why he does or doesn’t like me.”

Webby huffed out a short laugh as she tapped her hands on the open album page. There were photos of a few familiar members of Scrooge’s family and even a baby picture of Donald and Della.

“...you are really confusing,” Webby said, breaking the awkward silence. She didn’t let Goldie interrupt as she continued. “I don’t think I understand you at all. You’ve been here for a whole week so...are you moving in? Or what’s going on?”

“I’m just here to talk to Scrooge.” Goldie grabbed a photo album that was next to her on the table and flipped it open. “He’s been particularly busy this past week so I’m waiting.”

Webby watched her flip through pages and wondered if there were going to be any more secret relatives she didn’t know about in there. “I didn’t think you liked waiting for things.”

“Not a huge fan, no.”

“But you’re still here,” Webby mused. She watched as Goldie stopped flipping pages and stared down at a photo of Hortense and Quackmore, clearly having a fun time on their wedding day. It was a very sweet picture. “Huey says you and Scrooge are gonna get married, too.”

Goldie rolled her eyes and flipped past the wedding photo. “I’m sure he did.”

“If you did get married...would that make you my mom?”

Goldie closed the album and glared down at the girl next to her, annoyed that these kids were so interested in weddings and marriages. “Absolutely not.”

“Why not?” Webby asked, trying not to seem too confused.

“Why would it?” Goldie said with a hand to her forehead. “At the most, I’d be your stepmother, and that’s only in the very unlikely scenario where I say ‘yes’ to Scrooge’s proposal.”

“But this is a hypothetical scenario, so...if you did get married...would I be allowed to call you mom?”

“Ugh.” She knew there was a line here where her crabbiness would start to offend, but Goldie was not enjoying this line of questioning. “Even in this magical, crazy, hypothetical scenario...I would rather you didn’t. If I’m being completely honest, I’m still uncomfortable hearing you call Scrooge ‘Dad’.”

Webby, rather than be offended like Goldie thought, laughed out loud. “You think you’re uncomfortable with it?! I’ve been saying it over and over in my head all week and it still doesn’t sound right!”

Goldie raised an eyebrow at her and Webby froze, clearly surprised at her own outburst, and settled down. “Sorry. I shouldn’t say that. It’s just a little weird still.”

“Why shouldn’t you talk about how weird it is?” Goldie asked genuinely, leaning back on her hands. “If you don’t want to call him ‘Dad’ then you don’t have to.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Webby mumbled, imitating Goldie’s lean. “If I go back to calling him ‘Uncle Scrooge’ then it’s gonna seem like I’m rejecting him or something. That’s too mean. I can’t be mean like that.”

“It’s not mean.” Goldie sighed and turned towards the younger girl. “It’s your life. Call him whatever feels right to you."

Webby leaned her head back to stare up at the ceiling. "I've never had a dad or a mom before so I think I should keep trying for a little longer. It might just feel weird 'cause it's so unfamiliar."

"Or maybe it feels weird because it is weird," Goldie grumbled. "His DNA was stolen and used to create you, sure. So he's your father, but does that really make him your dad?"

The younger girl glared at the ceiling for a moment before turning towards Goldie again. "I don't understand what you mean."

"Being your biological father is significant, obviously. But family is whatever you want it to be." Goldie sighed and stared down at another photo - one of a much younger looking Scrooge. "You can run away from it. You can accept it without question. Or you can just try to figure it out."

Webby watched Goldie's face - trying to read the woman's expression as she stared at the photo. "I think I get that."

"Your grandmother wouldn't appreciate you listening to me, you know."

She smiled. "I know. But it's kind of interesting to get a more...outside perspective. I mean you're not not part of the family, but you weren't a part of all…" Webby waved her hands around for emphasis. "...this stuff."

"I suppose," Goldie said as she put the photo of Scrooge back down. A part of her really wanted to take it, especially knowing that Scrooge never went into this room so he likely hadn't looked at any of these photos in over fifty years. He wouldn't miss it!

"Do you think...um…" Webby stumbled over her words. "...do you think he'd be mad if I started calling him Uncle Scrooge again?"

"No," Goldie answered sternly. "He wouldn't be mad. Especially given everything that's happened with your family lately, I think an opportunity for some normalcy would be appreciated."

Webby flipped to another page in the photo album while Goldie spoke, and her eyes widened as she saw a familiar face in one of the old photos. She looked back up at Goldie and then back down at the photo. "So...if I call him Uncle Scrooge, then I guess I can call you Aunt Goldie, huh?"

Goldie turned to scold Webby for bringing up that nickname that she always knew would come up around these Duck children...when she came face-to-face with a photograph she didn't even know existed. Webby was holding it up dramatically, smiling smugly as she did so.

It was a slightly out-of-focus snapshot of Scrooge and Goldie in wedding attire, at an altar. Pretty clearly getting married.

Goldie quickly snatched it from the girl's hand and turned it around to check if there was a date or any notes. In Scrooge's handwriting it said "1953. Almost felt real."

She blushed a bit and turned it back around. "...I didn't know there were any pictures from this."

"And to think you made such a big deal out of my hypothetical scenario! But you're already married!" Webby looked more smug than she'd looked in a while, clearly ready to announce this news to the whole family.

Goldie frowned, unable to tear her face away from the image. Both her and Scrooge's faces were visible and, despite being at a bit of a distance, she could see just how happy they were at that moment. "...it was a con. A business decision. Not a real marriage."

"So you got an annulment afterwards?"

She laughed. "You think Scrooge would waste money on something like that? No, we just...moved on. I completely forgot it even happened."

"Well, Aunt Goldie, it doesn't look like he's forgotten."

Goldie sighed and pocketed the photo, wondering if she should show it to Scrooge later and shake out some memories. "Clearly he hasn't been in this room for a long time, so I wouldn't assume that."

Webby's excitement died down just a bit as she noticed Goldie's lack of embarrassment. "Isn't this...I mean, I know you say you don't wanna marry him, but you're still here despite everything plus you're already married! You really are Aunt Goldie and I don't get why you'd try to fight it."

The blonde frowned and exhaled loudly through her nostrils, trying to think of the best way to explain how she felt. "You've spent a long time idolizing Scrooge, right? Wanting to be a part of his family and whatnot."

"...yeah?"

"And from what I could tell, you two were getting close over the past few years. You called him Uncle Scrooge, he remembered your name. Yeah?"

"...uh-huh…" Webby had a feeling she knew where this was going.

"But now that this father-daughter thing was suddenly dumped in your lap in such a...such an awful way, really, you're feeling weird about it. Maybe it feels a little hollow, like this is what you wanted but it's not how you wanted it."

Webby frowned deeply - Goldie was completely right, but hearing the words said so casually didn't make her feel better about it.

"...that's what that wedding was for me," Goldie finished, finally connecting the two thoughts together. "I'd...wanted to be closer to him. I thought we were headed there. And then he suggested that plan and how could I say no? He was splitting the money with me 60/40 and I knew I could steal my missing ten percent whenever I felt like it."

"So you wanted to get married, but then you did but for the wrong reasons?"

Goldie sighed and shrugged. "Basically. It was a long time ago. Things change."

"And some things don't change," Webby added, noticing that Goldie was still staring at the photo in her hand. "You've had decades to talk to him about this, so why haven't you?"

"Eh," Goldie answered and stuffed the photo into her pocket. "Adult relationships are complicated."

Webby shook her head. "Not all of them. Just the ones that don't talk to each other."

Goldie glared down at Webby again, but the girl was already flipping pages in the album once more. She wasn't going to whine to a kid about how she was trying to talk to Scrooge but he was just making it difficult. Maybe if she told him she'd spent some time with his kid, he'd finally sit down and talk to her.

"Who's this?" Webby asked suddenly, pointing to another photo.

This one was older - depicting a young Scrooge (maybe nine years old?) with an even younger child that looked very similar to him. Goldie pouted and put a hand to her chin before grabbing the photo and turning it over to see if anything was written on the back.

"Oh, this is Douglas. One of Scrooge's cousins."

"On whose side?" Webby asked curiously.

Goldie shrugged. "Not sure. I know he lived alone in the Netherlands somewhere until he died, but he and Scrooge weren't very close, from what I could tell."

"Oh." Webby looked down at the photo, not really being able to read either child's expression. She supposed photos from the 1870s were rarely as expressive as ones from modern day. "You really know a lot about my family.”

"It's completely useless information taking up valuable space in my brain," Goldie complained with a smirk. "Maybe I'd be fluent in Mandarin if not for Scrooge."

Webby smiled, happy that she was able to recognize Goldie's words as a joke. "Well it's not useless to me. Thanks, Aunt Goldie."

Goldie frowned and rolled her eyes, but that just made Webby smile. She felt like she was starting to understand this woman...just a little bit.

A realization hit her and Webby suddenly gasped before hopping off the table. Goldie watched her with curious surprise. "I need to update my board!" Webby said as she rushed towards the door.

Goldie raised an eyebrow and hopped off the desk to follow. "I have no idea what that means!"

She followed Webby out the door and down the hall, until the girl was back in her own room. Goldie stuck her head inside just in time to see the unveiling of an insane-looking board filled with photos and string and notes and hearts and…

"...is that a locket with my face in it?" Goldie mumbled as she continued into the room. She stared at the locket as Webby ran around looking for something.

As she reached out to grab the strangely unfamiliar locket, Webby was suddenly on a step stool next to her and reaching for it herself. Goldie watched silently as the girl tugged her away from her little grouping of villains (rude) and moved her oh-so-closer to Scrooge.

Goldie blushed the slightest bit as Webby shortened the string, added some little hearts, and slammed a sticky note between them that said MARRIED-ISH!

"There's no way I'm letting you keep that up."

Webby laughed and wagged her finger in Goldie's face. "I'll just put it back when you leave!"

Goldie crossed her arms over her chest. "Then I'll just have to st...hm."

Webby's eyes were sparkling.

"...visit more often."

The correction didn't dull Webby's sparkle, instead she just smiled brighter. "I think everyone would really like that." 

Goldie raised an eyebrow. "Nice try, but I can assure you that your grandmother would sooner attend my funeral than enjoy having me around."

Webby hopped off the step stool. "Then you'll just have to win her over!" she said with a skip as she pushed the stool back to its regular spot.

"Yeah...I don't really see that happening," Goldie mumbled, not objecting when Webby grabbed her hand and tugged her towards the door.

"I think you could be friends! You just have to try!"

Goldie rolled her eyes but still didn't pull her hand out of Webby's grip. "Don't get your hopes up, Pink," she said with a sigh, but there was a little part of her that wondered if getting along with the whole family was even possible. She'd spent so long pushing away from Scrooge and his family and his friends that she'd never really considered what it would be like to actually...try. And she struggled to admit it, but...she wanted to find out.

She squeezed Webby's little hand and stared down at the bouncing bow on her head. Goldie still wasn't anyone's aunt, but...if she had to be, Scrooge's kids would be her first choice.

[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

[amerrierworld]

Babysitter (pt 10)

Pt 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

Summary: You and Tony have a discussion as Hela and Loki sneak around. 

Characters: Hela x fem!reader, Loki, Tony, Steve, Rhodey

Word Count: 1,813

Warnings: nothing? feels!

The New Avengers Facility was by far the most luxurious hideout you'd ever encountered. It was also incredibly large and perfect for aimless exploring. 

The Avengers, though concerned for you once you arrived, quickly lost focus of you as they began flitting about their machines and computers to see what the hell was happening around the world. 

You were given your own room, fully furnished with a well-stocked mini fridge. There was a camera situated outside by the door, so they’d know if you went in or out.

Normally you would’ve protested the house arrest, but you couldn’t be bothered suddenly. You were numb. 

The Facility was massive. It varied from small cozy lounge areas to large open spaces for training, meetings, and all sorts of experimental engineering. 

You were curled up in one of the tinier corners on a brown leather sofa. The rest of the place just seemed so pristine and neat and horrifically modern, no offense to Tony’s design tastes. There was a digital fireplace and heater, yet the 3D projection of the actual fire made it seem real. Only thing missing was the smell of burning wood. 

“Thought you’d have run off by now,” grunted a voice behind you. Tony had come into the lounge. You kept looking at the fire.

“I have no where else to go, Tony,” you said bluntly. Over the past few days you’d been reading up more and more from the news, contacting people you hadn’t talked to in ages. There were a few distant friends and relatives who’d been taken by the Blip, and your heart ached at the ones you hadn’t been able to see one last time. 

“Besides,” you sighed, breaking your gaze from the fire as Tony came to sit across from you, “none of you would have let me leave even if I really tried.”

He leaned back, stretching his body nonchalantly, and you noticed how weary  and thin he actually looked. Dark circles under his eyes, and his fingers seemed to be twitching or twiddling consistently.

“What happened to you?” you muttered. “Why do you look like shit?”

“Oh, you know,” he said, waving his hand, “spent some merry time in space, that’s all. Wasn't planning on being stranded there, but here we are.”

You didn’t ask anything else. Instead you got up, walked to the near sink and pulled out a kettle from the cupboards to make yourself some tea. 

“Okay, let me ask you a question,” Tony said in the silence, twisting in his seat to watch you, resting his head on the back of the sofa. “How on earth did you end up falling head over heels for a psycho?”

You snorted, grabbing a teabag and a mug, “you could ask Pepper the same thing.”

Tony clutched his chest in mock offence, “Ouch. Cold-hearted.”

Grinning, you steeped your tea, and turned around to look at Tony, “it’s not that simple, Stark.”

“No, I think it is,” he said.

“Well fine,” you sighed, slightly exasperated, “she was in my house with me alone, for days. At some point we ended up talking and actually getting to know each other. She opened up to me, and I to her and.. that was it.”

“And how do you know she wasn’t lying to get a way out?”

“She wasn’t. She’d never.”

“But how do you know? Wasn’t it you who always thought you had to give things time? She’s lived for thousands of years, Y/N. You’re a fruit-fly compared to her.”

“Why has this turned into an interrogation?” you snapped. He held up his hands, 

“I’m not interrogating. Just trying to understand.”

“Why did Jane fall in love with Thor, huh? At the time he was a ridiculous, self-absorbed and mindless God who didn’t know how the hell this world worked. Why did Pepper fall in love with you? A narcissistic millionaire playboy who loves to play games and doesn’t take anything seriously?”

You paced the floor as your tea cooled down, fuming,

“Why the hell does anyone fall in love with anyone, huh? Who gets a fucking say in how they feel? And why do you guys have so little faith in me to trust what I feel? I’ve kept secrets for you, I’ve hidden you in my home, I’ve been a part of so much secrecy, and suddenly when I get a little heart-eyed at someone, you act as if I’ve been brainwashed.”

Tony didn’t say anything for a moment. When you met his eyes, they were a little wider than before, looking at you questioningly. 

“In love, huh?”

You blinked.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Uh-huh, you did.”

“N-no, I didn’t, I said I-”

Your face became red, fumbling over your words.

Tony got up from his seat and clapped his hands as he sauntered over to the exit.

“Let’s go sparring, hm? Haven’t done that in a while,” he offered. You tried to cool your cheeks, forgetting about your tea steeping behind you.

“That’s cause I always lose,” you retorted. “You guys work out like your life depends on it. Which... it does.. I guess.”

“Yeah, but look at the state of me,” Tony spread out his arms and did a spin. “I’m feeling like trash. You’ll take me down no problem.”

You doubted that, but followed him anyways. 

-

“Ah, fuck!” Hela swore as another branch tugged at her helmet.

“Will you shut up?” Loki hissed, crouching down and peeking through the trees. “God, you’re even more infuriating than Thor!”

Hela was breathing heavily, aching, grumpy. 

“You really are a pain when you’re not around Y/N, aren’t you? You’re not going to massacre all the Avengers just because you’re peeved, right?”

“Be silent, filth,” she spat. Her brother only rolled his eyes. “What do you see?”

“I thought you wanted me to be silent.”

Hela whacked the back of his head and he grimaced, 

“Alright, alright. Look yourself, it’ll be hard to get in undetected.”

Hela peered over his shoulder. He was right; there wasn’t a lot of hiding spaces or shadows. Well-lit with open spaces, the modern-style building looked quite distasteful to Hela. She pulled a face, both in annoyance and disgust,

Loki chuckled, “I’m glad you hate it too.”

“Shut up,” Hela hissed, before scurrying off further into the trees to explore the perimeter. 

“Where are you- Hela!” Loki whispered hoarsely, hurrying after her. 

She was looking for weak spots, places with no cameras, a spot to sneak in. But she also had no idea where you were, and with the vastness of the buildings she worried if she’d even find you on time.

“Hela,” Loki hissed. She shushed him again, eyes searching the upper floors.

“Hela!” 

“What?”

“Look,” Loki pointed downwards. A little further in the distance outside, surrounded by well lit lights, stood you and that iron-armoured man, both with wooden sticks in your hands, the length of a short blade, thick enough to wrap your whole hand around it.

“Come on, let’s go back, before they see us,” Loki hissed, grabbing Hela’s shoulder. “At least we know she’s here.”

But Hela couldn’t move. You were wearing dark grey sweatpants and a zip-up hoodie, and sturdy boots. You looked tired, but were a vision to her. The man with you wasn’t wearing his armour, and suddenly looked a lot less threatening.

Loki watched, amazed, as his sister’s armour shimmered. The horns disappeared from her head and her cape faded until she was only in black, blending into the darkness.

She dared another step closer.

“Widen your stance,” the man said, waving the stick around. “Now try to attack.”

Hela watched you practice, your grip a bit clumsy and your stance a bit wobbly, but you were determined. She recalled the day she pulled a fork on you as a weapon, and winced a bit at the memory of the fearful, defenceless look in your eyes.

“Like that?” she heard you say, bending your knees and lowering your core.

“Good, but stay light on your feet, otherwise you can’t dodge.”

Your voice was like music to her ears, and hot tears prickled at her eyes. She missed you. So much.

“Stark, what the hell are you trying to do?” two more men had appeared. One blonde, and large, wearing a tight shirt and jeans. The other, dark, dressed in similar casual clothes.

“Gentlemen! Welcome to this exclusive defence lesson.”

“You’re by far the worst defence teacher out of all of us, Stark. Y/N won’t learn shit from you.”

“You wound me, Captain.”

Hela watched you shake hands with the other.

“Oh, Y/N, this is our friend Rhodey, also known as the War Machine.”

“Pleased to meet you, despite the.. unideal circumstances,” the newcomer shook your hand respectfully and flashed a smile. Hela flared with jealousy, and subconsciously bared her teeth.

“Easy,” Loki whispered.

The four of you paired up, you against Tony, but watching Captain’s instructions as he sparred with Rhodey. 

You were not held under lock and key, and Hela worried a moment. Did you go willingly with them after all? Did you forget about her? Was it foolish to even attempt a rescue?

Your laugh rang into the night as Rhodey tackled a distracted Steve, and both dread and joy filled Hela’s heart.

“Okay, try again,” Tony encouraged you. You swung at him a few times as he blocked and dodged. 

Then, you saw her in the darkness. A flash of green eyes, and Tony took your distraction to his advantage, swiping your leg from under you and you fell to the ground with a thud.

Hela nearly shot out of the tree line to protect you if Loki hadn’t stopped her. Then she heard a groan and chuckle coming from you,

“I told you I’d lose.”

“Don’t get distracted then, kiddo.” Tony held out his hand and hoisted you up. Hela growled at the camaraderie and slunk back in the shadows. “What were you looking at?”

He began to turn to follow your eyeline, and you paled,

“N-nothing! I- I was daydreaming.” He looked back at you.

“Not a good idea to daydream while fighting, Y/N,” Steve said.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m not used to this, you know?”

“It’s about time you were taught,” Tony clapped your shoulder. 

“You want to learn anything from the War Machine himself?” Steve asked, nodding at Rhodey.

“Oh, I-I’d love to. But, maybe tomorrow?” you suggested, desperately trying to avoid looking at Hela in the distance. “I’m quite.. tired.”

The men seemed to agree and chatted as they headed back into the building. Tony swiped at Steve as they walked, who promptly tugged the sparring stick from him. 

You hurriedly looked around into the darkness, wanting to see another glimpse, hoping you didn’t imagine it. But when you couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary, you worried if you really had gone insane.

Steve called after you, and your heavy feet carried you back inside to settle for the rest of the night.

A/N: Life is fucking INSANE. only a few chapters left for this!! Don’t ask me about the timeline alterations because me trying to make sense of the canon and trying to make it all fit is making my brain explode!! I hope you like it, love you all!!! Stay safeee

tag list: @midnight-lestrange​ @cheerfullyvenomous @germansarechill @gaylorrds @amii-nyc @waitingfortheendtocome @novakitten0901 @marvels-writings @jadewestwriter​ @thisisanexistentialcrisis​

[queen0fm0nsterz]

If we can infer the masks that Six acquires once belonged to previous Ladies in their youth then we can figure out their personalities based on the masks meaning/descriptions altogether: The teacup mask girl probably was too curious for her own good, Scarecrow mask girl was terrified and tried to close her eyes from horrors, Fox Mask girl was rather cunning and brave with skill in exploring, Tengu Mask girl may has accepted her fate in the end to fit in with the horrors

(Give this post a look for context!)

OMG YES! I'm so glad we're on the same train of thought, anon! Let's break these girls down and take a look at the rooms where their boxes are found as well and see if we can get a general idea of what the previous Ladies must have been like.

Teapot

Here's the official description of the teapot mask:

"Six is a natural born explorer, but bad things can happen if she peeks a little too far in. By the looks of things, she might be wearing this Upside-down Teapot a little while longer! "

Just like you said, anon, this girl must have been too curious for her own good, venturing into places she wasn't supposed to be in. I like how they drew a parallel between Six and Teapot, mentioning that they're both explorers.

The room where we can find Teapot's box, and in particular the outfit she's wearing, is quite interesting.

The implication here is that she probably used to be a prisoner of some sort. Plus, to reach her box we actually have to mess with the stairs quite a bit and she's literally stuck in a tiny hole between boxes. This is probably symbolic: the other rooms containing the boxes all use some sort of symbolism, so this could rappresent Teapot feeling trapped.

So to sum this one up: Teapot used to be a curious child, exploring around in places where she shouldn't have. Because of the prison motif we can theorize that she might have felt trapped once she took on the role of the Lady, a role she couldn't find her way out from.

Tengu

Tengu is an interesting one, and I can easily tell you she's my favorite out of the four. Let's take a look at the official description for her mask:

"Fear can take many forms and can live in many worlds. Wearing this Japanese Tengu mask won’t keep Six safe from harm, but it will certainly make her fit in! "

The "live in many worlds" line... possible reference to the fact that the children might come from a different dimention rather than the one LN takes place in? I'm probably overthinking this. Still, I definetely think Tengu not only accepted but also embraced her role as the Lady, unlike Teapot. The implication from this is that she did it out of fear and self preservation. You know what they say - if you can't beat 'em, join them. Still, it doesn't seem like it kept her out of harms way.

I think it's also worth mentioning that Tengu masks are used as decorations because they're believed to frighten bad spirits and bring good luck. Mh.

Moving on to Tengu's room, this one is a BRAIN SCRATCHER.

This isn't actually in Tengu's room but the one right before, I just want you guys to keep in mind that the doodles on the wall were indeed done by nomes. Moving on to her actual room, we start off pretty strong.

GIRL IF THAT ISN'T THE THIN MAN COMING OUT FROM THE TV I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. Look at him, he's even got his hands in display like he does when he's about to break free in LN 2 and when he kidnaps the toddler in the comics!

He seems to be going after a group of children, the nome and his friends? The implication here is that he kidnapped them.

EDIT: OK HAHAHA SOMEONE IN THE COMMENTS MADE ME NOTICE THAT IT MOST LIKELY IS JUST AN AIR BALOON. So I probably just overanalized this (thank you for commenting btw!! I appreciated that a lot!). Still, I think the hand in the room before belongs to the Thin Man, or possibly even the Ferryman. Or even some other monster entirely. So the kids ran away from somewhere using it. I wonder if they where trying to avoid going on the Maw... mhhh. Anyway, their escape failed.

And here we see the ever present, all seeing Eye, and boom! Suddenly the children have been turned into nomes. That particular eye shape reminded me of the security eye we can find on the Maw. But what caught my attention the most is this:

Lo and behold, a tall, feminine figure, who has also been doodled on, implying that she died, right behind Tengu's box. I'd also like to point out that all the candles in the room have either melted or are about to.

This nome seems to have told us his own little adventure he had with his friends before he was captured by one of the previous Thin Men and brought on the Maw? Only to be turned into a nome by Tengu, a.k.a. one of the Ladies.

To wrap our girl up: Tengu, unlike Teapot, had accepted her fate and embraced her new role as the Lady of the Maw to the fullest in order to survive. It's also possible that she used to be familiar with one of the previous Thin Men, seeing how he's most likely taking the children to the Maw. Unfortunately, the Tengu mask did not protect her from the horrors of the world and she met her end.

Fox

Out of all the presumed Ladies, Fox seems to be the one most similar to Six, at least according to her mask's description:

" With so many nooks & crannies to explore in this unpredictable place, it takes someone special to survive. Six is as brave and cunning a character as you will find, so this Fox mask couldn’t have found a better home! "

It's pointed out how it takes someone special to survive in an enviroment like the one the LN Universe has to offer, which is an obvious nodd to Six, but I think it might also be referring to Fox herself. Now, let's take a look at the room before the one Fox's box is found. Look at the drawing on the wall.

A tall woman surrounded by seven children, who match the seven nomes you have to find in order to get access to this room. Following the reasoning we used before, we'll presume the tall woman is Fox, a.k.a one of the Ladies. Note how a part of her head is missing, almost as if it got ripped away.

We get in her actual room and would you look at that.

The seven nomes, chilling quietly in Fox's room. It's very clear that they're all prefectly comfortable with bring here, see as there's one of the nomes just swinging silently on their little swing. The pillow next to Fox's box has been ripped. The implication I get here is that our girl might have gotten a little too brave and... lost her head.

I don't know about you but this feels like a memorial to me, similar to the one other nomes made for their friends a few rooms ahead.

(This one. Also, the box there contains a Shadow Child figure. Definetely talking about this in a separate post.)

To sum Fox up: she was a cunning, brave, special girl, very similar to Six. Even though she most likely took on the role of the Lady, children seemed to trust her enough to be comfortable in her presence. However, something happened to her that led her to meet a very gruesome end. Possibly her successor killing her? Or maybe she was punished for being too kind to the children? Perhaps, a bit of both.

Scarecrow

There's not a lot to say about Scarecrow, if I have to be honest. Here's the official description of her mask:

" The Maw is filled with awful things hiding in the shadows and around every corner. Wear this twisted old Scarecrow Sack - it might not frighten away the monsters, but at least you won’t see them! "

Ok but let me tell you, the Scarecrow mask reminds me a lot of the sack the Hunter wears. You could say the two are similar in a way: the Hunter wears his sack to prevent himself from seeing the TVs, while Scarecrow wears hers to avoid looking at the monsters she had surrounded herself with. She most likely kept to herself most of the time, just like him.

Her room seems to suggest the same thing.

It's small, only illuminated by a small light and hidden away from the rest of the world; away from the horrors. Now, the ripped portrait of the Pretender behind her? No clue what that could mean, but see as the previous room contained a lot of portraits about the Pretender and her life? The two might be connected, or similar in some way.

Perhaps the Pretender is, deep down, just like Scarecrow was? Scared, terrified even, of the monsters around her and that's why she created her own fake little world where she can play with her ""friends"" without a care in the world? Her name IS the Pretender, after all.

Finally, the last summary: Scarecrow is a scared one, even after taking the role of the Lady she prefers to hide away into her own quarters, turning a blind eye to the horrors she (indirectly?) causes so she won't have to face them.

Ahh, this was a lot, but we got all the girls here! I really wanna hear you guys' thoughts on this one.

[scapegrace74-blog]

Ginger Snap, Chapter 6

A/N  Well, here it is.  The last chapter of Ginger Snap.   As an unplanned fic inspired by a vanity license plate, I’m happy with how it turned out.   There will be a short epilogue posted in the next week or so.  In the meantime,  thank you so much for coming on this unexpected ride with me!   This chapter’s themed title is Fire in the Belly.

Previous chapters are best enjoyed on my AO3 page, because I have a bad habit of going back and editing them after they’ve been posted.

The next five months were some of the most difficult of my life.  

After our talk, Frank and I agreed that it would be best that we parted ways.  The Southside flat was close to the university, plus I’d never truly felt at home there, so it made sense for him to keep it.  Fortunately, we’d never combined our savings and I still had money tucked away from my time as a medical resident in Boston.

Geillis wanted me to move into her sprawling Murrayfield home, at least temporarily, but I knew that I needed a place of my own.  To stand on my own two feet, as it were.   Which was how I found myself moving my few belongings into a modest Morningside walk-up as the rest of Edinburgh celebrated Hogmanay with fireworks and drunken revelry.

I scheduled the written component of my medical licensing exam for February.  This was likely foolhardy, but I’d already wasted enough time.  As a result, almost every waking hour was dedicated to studying.  The flat remained an empty box whose naked beige walls bore witness to my rudimentary existence.

Geillis called regularly, reminding me to eat and to occasionally step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Returning up the high street from one of our weekly coffee dates, a bright flash in a shop window caught my eye.

I stopped and stared as the afternoon sun lit the vase like a shard of stained glass.  It was a profound shade of blue: the colour of a field of indigo, of the night sky in a Byzantine icon, of Jamie’s eyes when he laughed.  It sat on my windowsill, filled with the season’s first daffodils, as I pored over practice exams.

***

“Geillis, I passed!  I fucking passed!”  An elderly woman seated across from me on the bus muttered under her breath about vulgar Sassenachs, but I was too elated to care.

“Of course ye did, ye brilliant disaster.  Now I can brag tae the neighbours I have my own personal physician.”

“Not so fast, Duncan.  I still need to pass the clinical exam, and that’s no small thing.”  My gut twisted just thinking about it, but unlike the written exam, there was little I could do to prepare.  Either I knew how to perform as a doctor or I did not.  The long months since I’d last treated a patient loomed like a large shadow over that question.

“Och, yer bum’s oot the window Claire,” my friend dismissed blithely.  “Ye’re gonna do great.  When do ye head down tae yer homeland, then?”

“May first.”  The practical examination took place in Manchester and needed to be scheduled three months in advance.

“Sounds like ye’ve got some time on yer hands.  Whate’er are ye going tae do with yerself?” Geillis asked in a singsong voice.

Fortunately for me, spring was Edinburgh’s most pleasant season.  Its many gardens and laneways erupted in carpets of buds and blooms.  The air smelled fresh and green, like biting into a tart apple.  I took long walks and fell in love with the city I now called home.  There were secondhand bookstores to explore and a weekly craft market where I gradually amassed an assortment of items that made my flat feel like a home.  With each passing day, my existence felt more and more like a life; one I defined for myself.

I also started to explore my options for employment, hoping for a job offer from one of the city’s hospitals that was conditional upon my successful completion of the licensing process.  It was to that end that I found myself walking down the corridor of The Royal Edinburgh hospital after what I hoped had been a rather successful interview with the deputy director of surgery.

“Claire?”

I recognized her voice immediately.  Before turning around I closed my eyes and sent out a fervent appeal to the universe.

“Jenny, hi.  How are you?”

She looked just the same, her straight black hair such a contrast to her brother.  Next to her stood a man, but not the man I had conjured the moment I heard her voice.  I was unclear whether that meant my prayer had been answered or not.  Seeing my gaze stray, Jenny jumped to introductions.

“This is my husband, Ian.  We’re here fer treatment on his leg.”

“Nothing serious, I hope.”  

“Jes a fitting fer a new prosthetic.  Jenny keeps beatin’ me o’er the head with the old one, ye see.”  I laughed, instantly liking his easy-going manner, so in contrast with Jenny’s intensity.

“Ye must be the Claire I hear sae much about,” he went on, and I wondered what had been said about me in the Fraser household.

“Nothing bad, I hope.”

Ian smiled warmly.  “Only good things, I promise ye.”

“What brings ye tae the hospital, Claire?” Jenny interjected.

I explained how I was in the process of qualifying to practice medicine in Scotland, provided I could pass my exams.  Jenny and Ian were both delighted, congratulating me as though I’d already accomplished my goal.  As we spoke about Wee Jamie’s latest exploits and the ongoing growth of Ginger Snap, I couldn’t help notice that Jenny was staring at my hands.  At my left hand in particular.  Finally, I couldn’t resist temptation any longer.

“And, how is Jamie doing?”  I tried to sound casual, but I was certain my faltering voice betrayed me.

“Very well,” Jenny replied.  “Busy, as ye can imagine, but he thrives on chaos.”

I nodded, trying to be satisfied with the news that he was well.  It was the most I could hope for, really.  Jenny eyed me shrewdly before continuing.

“He’s a good man, my brother.  Any lass would be verra lucky tae have him.  I’d like tae see him settled, but he refuses tae be rushed.  Says the right woman is worth the wait.”  She paused before adding,  “I reckon ye ken wha’ he means.”

“Yes,” I breathed.  “I know exactly what he means.”

***

I took the overnight train from Edinburgh to Manchester.  It meant I was likely to arrive at the testing centre deprived of sleep, but I rationalized that most of my residency could be characterized as one long evaluation under similar conditions, and I hadn’t killed anyone yet.  Still, as the velvety darkness slipped by outside my window, studded by the lights of passing farms, my doubts got the better of me.

I texted Geillis, looking for moral support.  For once she didn’t reply immediately.  There was one other name on my laughably short list of contacts.  I deliberated for all of a minute, but the late hour and creeping panic made me impulsive.

Hello.

Best to start with something innocuous, rather than the slightly more revealing “I miss you.  I think about you every day.”  A reply bubble appeared immediately after I hit send.  At least I hadn’t woken him up.  A small tempest stirred in my gut.

Arsonist.  Hello.  How are you?

I tried to picture him.  Was he at home?  Working late?  Or, in a scenario that played out far too often in my mind, on a date?

I’m alright.  Well, to be honest, I feel like I’m going to puke and cry.  Not necessarily in that order.

Och, lass.  Do you need me to come over?

Damn it, this man.  I had done nothing to deserve his unswerving loyalty but mislead him and then disappear for months on end.  And yet here he was, willing to come to my aid on the flimsy pretext of a late night text.  Guilt and tenderness warred for possession of my heart.

That may prove a bit difficult, Jamie.  I’m on a train to England.

There was a long pause, and then a two letter reply.

Oh.

I realized at once that he’d leapt to the wrong conclusion: that I had left Edinburgh for good.  I rushed to correct the error.

I’m taking the second stage of my examination to practice as a NHS doctor tomorrow.   It’s all hands-on situations, and the licensing facility is in Manchester.

Arsonist, that’s wonderful news!  I’m so proud of you.

I blushed, then leaned my heated cheek against the chilled pane of glass.  It had been a rash impulse, but this conversation was exactly what I needed.  I wasn’t alone in this.  Geillis and Jamie were in my corner.

What has your stomach in a twist, then?

What if I’ve forgotten what to do?!  It’s been almost a year since I’ve so much as used a stethoscope, Jamie.  The exam is eighteen real-life situations and you’re given eight minutes to respond to each one.  Not a second longer.  I’m just...  what if I fail?

And there it was.  The kernel of fear that lived at the heart of everything I did.  What if I failed?   What if my best wasn’t good enough?

Claire, listen to me.  You’re a doctor, just as I am a chef.  It wouldn’t matter if I had not set foot in a kitchen in ten years, I would still remember how to cook, and I know that it’s the same for you.  I believe it with everything in me.

On some level, I knew that he was right.  But it still comforted me tremendously to hear it from someone I trusted.

Alright.  That helps.  I should let you get to bed.  Thank you for talking me off my ledge, Jamie.

Anytime, Arsonist.

As I got ready sign off, another text bubble appeared.

Oh, and Claire?  Don’t burn down their wee laboratory, okay? ;-)

I laughed out loud, muting my phone and reclining my seat.  Outside, the stars shone brightly, tiny fires in the firmament to guide me on my way.

***

It was a lovely late spring day, and the retractable doors to the fire station were open to the warm breeze.  I could hear Angus’ voice as he led a cooking demonstration for a group of young women; a bridal shower by the look of their ridiculous costumes.

“Mind the coriander, lass.  Tis a verra powerful aphrodisiac, ken?  I willna be held responsible if ye canna resist my considerable charms after ye eat yon soup.”

There was an outburst of giggles as I rounded the corner and entered the reception area.  Jenny was on the phone.  She halted mid-sentence when she saw me walk in.  I rubbed my hands down the front of my jeans, trying to stay calm.

“He’s in the storeroom, in the back,” Jenny prompted before I could even offer a greeting.  I smiled gratefully, relieved I didn’t have to make small talk.  I had only so much courage stored in reserve, and I didn’t want to use it all up before reaching my destination.

The storeroom was long and narrow, lit by a single naked bulb and girded with shelves.  Jamie stood with his broad back to the door, his curls absorbing the light like amber.  He had a clipboard in one hand, performing some kind of inventory.

“Jes how many lentils dae ye reckon we need, Janet?  There’s nine cans of them here already, and ye have us ordering ten more.”

I’d almost forgotten how much I loved his voice, the undulating grit and silk of it.  I had to remaster the art of speech before I could reply.

“It’s not Jenny.  It’s me.  Claire.”

He froze, and if it weren’t for the sudden rapid flow of his breath I would have assumed he hadn’t heard me.  My nerves got the better of me and I blurted out, “I like lentils.  You should listen to your sister.”

“Claire.”  More sigh than word.  He slowly turned.  It was when our eyes met that I knew nothing had changed for him.  It was still there, after all these months.  That look that told me I was the map to his journey, the focus to his vision, the reason to his why.  

Hopefully he could read that same certainty on my face.

“I passed my exams,” I began.  “I’m a doctor again.”

“Ye never stopped bein’ a doctor.  This jus’ makes it official.”

“I’m still a disaster in the kitchen,” I continued.  “Last week I ruined two saucepans.”

“Tha’s only a tragedy if ye dinna have someone willin’ tae cook fer ye,” he replied with a strange squinting motion I understood was meant to be a wink.

“I’m still learning who I am.  How to be true to the person on the inside,” I confessed.  This is what had kept me away for so long, worried that I would escape from Frank’s orbit just to be caught up in another.  Jamie never once expected my submission, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t offer it out of habit.

“I’ll let ye in on a secret.  Sae is everyone else,” he replied.

Without realizing it, we’d both been moving until we were crowded together amongst the dried herbs and canned goods.  My hand rested against the solid metronome of his heart.  Just one more confession to go.

“I burn for you in a way I’ve never burned for anything before.”

There.  It was said.  A thousand wings of rapture beat against the cage of my ribs, clamoring to break free.  Jamie carefully pushed a loose curl behind my ear before cupping my jaw.

“Wee arsonist.  Come, set my life on fire.”

[cathrrrine]

RUN | Pietro x Reader

Originally from my Wattpad

CHAPTER 18: SAFE HOUSE

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A/N: I hope you guys like this one ! I just wanted to add a little bit of fluff after all that angst-fest. Happy reading my loves! :)

———

"Enigma." I mumbled, the strange woozy feeling in my chest expanding as I shifted in my car seat to turn to Pietro.

"What?"

"I figured it out. I'm your enigma. Everyone has one." There was a lightness to my words as I said them and oddly enough, I didn't really mind. "You said you couldn't figure me out, therefore I'm your enigma."

I could see his hands on the wheel tighten just a little bit. The whole car ride, I'd been observing him. I just couldn't get his words out of my head.

You're driving me crazy, Y/N.

My head felt like it was about to explode by the sheer amount of force it took for me to figure out what he really meant. I felt...perplexed. I was wracking my entire brain out by trying to decipher the whole point of our previous conversation. Why did I drive him crazy? Why did he feel the need to tell me that?

Why did I feel like I should trust him?

"My enigma?" He scoffed, throwing a playful, cocky look my way. "You are nothing close to anything I'd call mine."

I rolled my eyes, "You know, it's no wonder you've got a head full of grey hair, you grouch."

"Hey!" He gasped, genuinely shocked at my comment. "I am most definitely not a grouch."

His accent made his reaction much better than I could've imagined. The way he rolled his R's made me laugh a little, so I copied it just for kicks, the letter teetering on the edge of my tongue. "Yep, a grouch would most definitely say that."

I scanned his face for any signs of annoyance, waiting to see if my words left any impression on him. Instead, I saw his expression grow heavier. I'd miss it if I blinked, but I swore I saw a flash of that same expression he wore when he confronted me before in my cell. Seriously, I have got to figure him out, and soon. Before I'm too vulnerable.

"We're here."

I turned around, looking out of the window to see the building I'd been dreading to return to. My heart felt like it had been dipped in acid and encased in lead. Suddenly, I knew why Pietro grew quiet.

Getting out of the facility had been fun, exhilarating almost. Steve had helped me escape just as he promised and left me with Pietro in the garage, handing him the car keys and giving him strict instructions to drive away while remaining incognito.

Pietro had a dazed look on his face then, part-confusion and part-anxiety, but I knew that we had one thing in similar; roguery in our veins. Pietro is a little troublemaker, I had mused as I eyed his way-too-giddy movements. He had no trouble following his Captain's orders, he was eager almost.

I told Steve that we could hide in an old safe house of mine, a tiny studio located somewhere in a sketchy town that was close to the facility so it was reachable by car, but far enough so that it wouldn't be a problem if any of his teammates were to come looking. At least we'd have enough time to escape if they did.

The last time I'd been here had been 2 years ago. Back when I thought I was still running from The Winter Soldier. Everything the Captain had revealed to me made me want to throw up. How else were you supposed to feel when someone told you that you'd been running and hiding for years, from a ghost? I felt like I'd been on an unprompted wild goose chase, except that instead of chasing the 'goose', I'd been chased by it. What a joke.

"You alright?"

Pietro raised an eyebrow, nothing but that disgusting kindness in his eyes. I wanted to strangle him right then and there. Was he offering me pity?

I threw him a half-hearted scowl, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'm just asking. This can't be easy for you, no?"

His words hit me like a truck, and the realisation that he wasn't offering me pity, but simply just inquiring, soon came after. It was an odd question to be asked. I'd rarely been offered that luxury, of someone caring enough to ask if you were alright or not. It felt weird to be on the receiving end of that kind of sincerity, something I thought only existed out of my own realm. Yet here I was, trying to figure out the answer to his question.

I shook my head in an effort clear my thoughts, sort of like an etch-a-sketch. "I've been through worse."

We entered the building quietly, ignoring the looks thrown our way from a few bystanders. It was a rather rundown building, just as I had remembered it to be. I'd never made company with any of the people who live here, because how could I have? What kind of shit assassin would do that?

"They must not be used to new faces, huh?" Pietro tried—and failed—to ignore the man eyeing us from our right, clearly uncomfortable with the unwanted staring.

"I'd assume not. It's a pretty small town."

Pietro cleared his throat, "I see."

He looked a little uneasy, shifting from foot to foot. I followed his line of gaze and oh my god, the man was still staring.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" I snarled. He scurried away immediately, eyes averting from us either in shock or in fear. Though it was most likely the latter, considering the way he kept looking back with wild eyes to see if we would chase him down.

I turned back to my speedster companion, and sure enough, he looked much better than he did before. "It's fine, he's just a creep."

He nodded, "I was never fond of creeps."

We climbed up the flight of stairs that lead to the studio apartment, silent the whole way up with Pietro taking in his surroundings and with me being a bit preoccupied with the thoughts swimming in my head. Memories from my past kicked in violently, and I tried to swallow them down.

"Is this it?" He said as I stopped in front of a tattered door with the number 42 on top of it, pointing to it with his right hand.

"Yep." I walked closer to the door, reaching up to the number 4 and trying to detach it from the wall. Apparently though, it was too high for me, sitting just at the tip of my fingers. Either someone had moved it higher, or I'd grown shorter since

Heels. I'd worn my goddamn heels when I last set this thing up. I'd have slapped myself by now if my hands weren't occupied.

Annoyed, I groaned and stood on the tip of my toes. Just a bit more.

"Here."

My breath caught in my throat as I felt his voice reverberating through his chest which was now level to my head. Pietro came up behind me with his taller stature, his height enabling him to reach for the 4 in less than a second, his hand brushing against mine in the process. I blinked, hard, trying to steady myself and grab hold of my thoughts. I felt my face grow hot, warmth spreading through my skin like fire.

I tried not to make it obvious, how much his skin contact had bothered me. I felt stupid for making such a big deal out of it, and even more so that it was caused by him. What the hell? My throat felt tight, so I cleared it with a cough and put on a neutral expression seamlessly.

He backed away as soon as he grabbed hold of the number, twirling it around his fingers with a playful, lopsided smile. Holy shit, I want to rip it off his face. Just punch the living shit out of him.

"Hmm, maybe you're not that useless after all." I scoffed.

He grinned, "Well, if the grouch hadn't been here, it would've taken you all day to reach for this thing."

"Huh, so you admit you are a grouch."

"I didn't—Whatever you say, gnome."

"Wow, look at you." I snickered. "Practicing sarcasm are we? Pray, do tell, was I your inspiration?"

He shook his head in defeat, then he flipped the 4 over, eyebrows meeting in the middle. "What is this anyway? Some sort of secret hidden in here?"

Classic topic changer.

"Yes," I snatched the sign from him. "A very important secret actually."

I turned the thing around and pressed hard on the back of the long vertical line with my nails, breaking the plastic cover. It gave in with a little bit of pressure, and I dug my fingers in to pull out the slender, metal object that I had hidden 2 years ago.

"Ah. The key." Pietro looked impressed.

"Smart, isn't it? It's an old trick that I stole from a woman in Amsterdam."

He moved closer, and I felt myself flinching a little, afraid my body would have the same reaction that it did just a few seconds ago. Luckily, he didn't notice how distressed I was.

"Why bother though, if you weren't going to keep the key with you? Why not just kick down the door or climb in through a window or something?"

There he goes again, with his perpetual rambling.

"We're 4 floors up idiot, climbing in through the window is too risky, people might see and I might fall and die, which is not very ideal, in case you haven't figured that out yet." I inserted the key into the lock and twisted it, hearing the clack of the latch and bolts as they moved.

"Plus, I just did it for fun. I never even knew if I'd come back here or if this building would even still be intact by the time that I did."

He didn't take up the trouble to reply, or even if he did, I didn't hear him. The moment the door opened and I stepped foot inside the room, I was immersed in the haze of my past. A version of my life that was drastically different to the one I had now.

My emotions were all over the place.

A cloud of dust covered the room from years of vacancy, our shoes creating imprints onto the floor. I was surprised no one had broken in for the whole 2 years. Somewhere in the back of my head though, the memory of me threatening the landlord popped up.

"If I come back and I find out that my house got fucked up, I won't hesitate to drive this knife through your chest."

It's a wonder how far a knife and few sharp words could get you.

"Looks like it needs a bit of vacuuming, just a bit. But that's just my opinion."

I fumbled around for something hard and chucked it at Pietro's head with full force, earning an 'Ow!' immediately after.

"What was that for?"

"I've been meaning to throw something at you for a while now." I shrugged, then continued to explore my previous home even further.

It was exactly as I left it, minus the accumulated bits of dirt and the herd of dust bunnies. I walked to the small kitchen space, opening the cabinets and finding the slightly dented kettle and the 2 mugs I had kept there, untouched. Then I fished around the drawer beneath it and eventually found the box of—hopefully unexpired—tea packets and some Sweet'N Low's.

My fingers clasped around the faucet knob and turned, waiting for a good minute for running water. "Come on, come on..."

After some violent sputtering and grumbling from the sink, out came the water flow. Yes! I cheered mentally.

Then I turned to the silver-haired grouch, gesturing to the tea packets I held between my fingers. "Care for some tea?"

He shrugged, "Only if you won't poison me."

taglist: @ifilwtmfc

[beewolfwrites]

And When I am Formulated, Sprawling on a Pin - Chapter Ten: A Train Whistle

A slightly shorter chapter this time, but hopefully short means sweet, maybe? 

You can find the full chapter (along with all the others) on AO3 here :)

Thanks for reading!!

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I couldn’t keep my eyes from the red stain on Chishiya’s hoodie as we entered the deserted shopping mall. He was walking and behaving just as usual, and his expression gave nothing away. Even when we had backed back to the park gates to collect the Two of Spades card, he hadn’t complained. But I knew he was in pain. He had to be.

‘We don’t have to do this,’ I repeated for the umpteenth time. My voice echoed through the empty mall. ‘I’ll go with someone else in my next game.’

He was strolling beside me, regarding the stores around us with boredom. ‘It doesn’t matter, since we’re already here.’  

‘There might be a pharmacy in here somewhere.’ I chewed on my lip, struggling not to let my anxiety get the best of me. ‘Maybe if I find some medical supplies, I could bandage it up.’

‘I wouldn’t trust you to bandage up anything,’ he replied. ‘I’ve seen the state of your arm.’

Any offence I felt at that comment was pushed aside, as I chalked it up to him being irritable. My arm wasn’t too bad, was it? No matter. I had to find some way of keeping him from moving too much and aggravating his wound.

Spotting a bench between two large artificial flower beds, I suggested, ‘why don’t you sit over there? I’ll be super-duper quick.’

His eyes slid over to mine, with a look that told me he knew exactly what I was thinking. ‘Fine, but there’s no point in rushing.’ Then pulling out his headphones, he took a seat on the bench, leaned back and closed his eyes.

Leaving him there, I nervously flitted about between stores. Most of them had been plundered and looted by players, and others had been turned into hideouts, soon abandoned after their owners had died. But some were untouched, and it was these stores that I visited first. I snagged two hoodies for myself, one pale purple and the other a sea green, along with several t-shirts, socks, jean shorts, and a new pair of trainers, as mine were stained with algae and squelched with every step.

It was strange. In the previous world, I had never been able to justify spending money on branded clothes. In fact, I never would have even touched the sportswear section. But now, I never knew who or what I might have to outrun, and it seemed like the obvious choice.

I was on my way to leave, when I drifted past the menswear section and suddenly remembered that the soggy hoodie I was wearing was tinged brown by the pond water.

‘I want that one back.’

‘Sorry, Chishiya,’ I muttered, picturing his disapproval. ‘I’ll get you a new one anyway.’

I began sifting through the men’s clothing section, searching for one just like what I was wearing. Only I couldn’t find it.

Come on, there has to be something he would wear in here.

Then I spied a flash of white hidden in the rails and picked out a clean white hoodie, very similar to the one he usually wore. He didn’t strike me as someone who would go for bright colours.

Something like this would do, right?

Swiping two bags from behind the till, I tipped the clothes into them, taking care that Chishiya’s new hoodie was folded up neatly.

And then there was the question of swimwear. Hatter’s rule was both disgusting and ridiculous, but I couldn’t exactly refuse.

Slipping into another sportswear shop, I managed to find a few one-piece swimsuits that could function as a t-shirt if I wore them with shorts. But for good measure, I grabbed a bikini, too. One that wasn’t quite as stringy as some of the options at the Beach.

Right, that’s it! I was finally done. He’s probably wondering where I’ve gotten to.

I left the store and started back to where I had left Chishiya. As I passed by the deadened shopfronts and frozen mannequins, my mind drifted back to his behavior in the park. I understood that he followed me because he was an executive, and he was technically supposed to keep an eye on my performance. But the way he had grabbed me when we encountered the hunter… the way his arms had squeezed me painfully close. I just couldn’t figure him out. The man was like a closed book, with front and back covers that looked the same, even upside down. I didn’t even know where to begin reading him.

Yet my skin still tingled where it had been pressed against his own. I could still feel the ghost of his body heat, and every shudder that passed through him in the cold. It was disconcerting. Chishiya almost seemed like a god, but he was so very, very human.

Don’t think too hard about it, I told myself. He was probably just toying with me back there.

As I walked past a window, something caught my eye. A sparkle from a jewellery store. It was only small, but it was like a treasure trove filled with gems, gold and silver.

I glanced down the mall. A few minutes is fine, right? Just a few minutes.

This wasn’t just any jewellery store; it was the expensive kind. The kind I used to covet in the real world for all its gemstones and silverwork. Exploring the glass cabinets, I peered at the spectrum of crystals until one ring caught my eye. A pear-shaped drop of labradorite, set on either side by sterling silver flowers.

‘I see you’re enjoying your freedom away from the Beach.’

Chishiya’s voice sounded from the entrance. He was eyeing the jewellery around him with skepticism.

‘Sorry,’ I said, sheepish. ‘I got a bit distracted.’

He shrugged. ‘I don’t care. Get whatever you want.’ He nodded at the ring. ‘Even that.’

‘I… I couldn’t.’

‘Suit yourself,’ he said, leaning against the wall, ‘though I didn’t take you for the materialistic type.’

Scowling at him, I mumbled, ‘it’s not like that at all.’

‘If it’s the idea of stealing that’s bothering you, it doesn’t make a difference. People murder each other every day.’

I felt the drip of blood tapping against my cheeks, and briefly closed my eyes. When I opened them again, the sensation had disappeared. ‘Has it ever occurred to you that jewellery isn’t just about the sparkly stuff?’

His eyes were focused on me with a quiet curiosity, although it no longer made me squirm.

When did I stop being bothered by it?

Looking at the labradorite ring, I tried to find the words to explain to him.

‘Back in the old world, I knew all about gemstones, the meanings of them, their histories, the legends,’ I told him, knowing he probably didn’t care. ‘Obviously, I’ve never really believed they cure illness or bring luck. I know it’s not possible, but they still felt pretty magical. I always hated diamonds though, since they just seem kind of soulless. But I always imagined…’ I trailed off, embarrassed. ‘It’s stupid, I know, but I always had this idea that if someone ever wanted to marry me, they’d choose a ring like this one, with a stone that has a meaning.’

I thought back to the teenage girl. Perhaps she had similar dreams. Maybe she had wanted to meet someone, get married, have children, grow old. And there was me, the murderer who wanted to fall in love. It was pathetic. When I glanced back to Chishiya, his eyes were closed as he rested against the wall.

Typical.

But just when I thought he hadn’t been listening to a word of what I’d said, he cracked an eye open. ‘It’s that level of naivety that’ll get you killed. I suppose you’ve got even more romantic ideas running around too.’

His words left me exposed. Vulnerable. But then I knew he was wrong about some things. I wasn’t completely naive, at least not in the way he was imagining.

‘Romance isn’t the same as love. Love is different.’

‘Love is for idiots with too much time on their hands,’ he said lazily.

‘No, romance is for idiots with too much time on their hands. Love isn’t nearly as obvious.’ I paused, thinking hard. ‘Have you read much by Haruki Murakami?’

‘He’s called Murakami Haruki over here, but no,’ he replied. ‘I haven’t. He’s not considered much of a literary figure in Japan. At least not by the critics.’

I smiled. ‘Perhaps not here, but the rest of the world thinks so.’

Thinking back over what I had read, I fished around for a specific title, but the name escaped me. ‘There’s a short story of his,’ I explained. ‘He compares the feeling of being in love to a train whistle.’

Chishiya looked at me with disinterest, but I could see something in his gaze. He was following along.

Even though it had been years since I first read it, I recalled the story vividly. ‘Imagine at night, you wake up and you have this sudden, horrible feeling that you could disappear at any moment. But at the same time, you feel you could explode. It’s that kind of emptiness that swallows you up. There’s no meaning to anything, and you no longer care whether you live or die. In fact, you don’t even know whether you’re really alive or dead at all. You’re just suffocating in nothingness.’

Chishiya turned fully toward me. ‘And?’

I gave him a smile. ‘And then you hear a train whistle. It’s far away, and the sound is so tiny you can hardly hear it. But it cuts through the isolation. You’re no longer floating as long as you can hear that whistle.’ I nodded to myself. ‘That’s love, at least to me. It sort of creeps up behind you, and by the time you realise it’s there, it’s too late. You’re already trapped.’

There was a moment of silence where he didn’t respond. Then he said, in the quietest voice possible, ‘how unpleasant.’

Things became awkward after that, and every attempt I made to strike up conversation was met with stiffness on Chishiya’s part. Slowly and silently, we began to head back to the Beach. The bags were uncomfortable to carry, but I didn’t want to ask Chishiya for a hand. Not with his injury. Even now, the blood stain on his clothes had grown bigger.

I suggested again that he should see An, but he dismissed the comment entirely. It was as if his mood had flipped, the amusement having drained out of him, leaving nothing but the cold.

We passed through derelict streets decorated with unlit signs and empty windows, until the Beach finally came into view in a cacophony of music, screams and spotlights. As I shuffled through a back entrance to avoid the crowds, I found that Chishiya had disappeared without a word, probably to his room, or perhaps even to find An. I still had the replacement hoodie I’d found for him, but it could wait until after he’d received medical aid.

I passed through the hotel halls, and turned a corner, almost bumping into Kuina. She was holding a drink in one hand, and her mouth stretched into a wide smile when she saw me.

‘I see you made it! How did it go?’ Leaning back, she assessed me from head to toe. ‘You look like you’ve been thrown into a swamp.’

‘Two of Spades, and you’re close. Chishiya made me swim in a pond.’ I said, stifling a yawn. ‘Where are you heading?’

She shook her glass, the ice tinkling. ‘The pool. Thought I’d live a little. Why don’t you join me? You look like you could use a drink.’

I shivered in my still-damp clothes. ‘Ah, it’s okay. I’ll pass for tonight,’ I said. ‘I’m really tired after the game. Plus, these clothes are icky.’

Kuina snickered. ‘You don’t say. Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me.’ With that, she disappeared down the hall, waving to me as she went.

Ducking away from the chaotic drunks in the hallways, I crawled all the way up to my room, before realising I had forgotten to ask Kuina about the hoodie, about why she never told me it belonged to Chishiya.

I’ll do it next time I see her. I’m too tired now.

Sighing, I didn’t even bother to turn on the lights as I dumped the bags of clothes onto the floor. After being drenched in pond water, I definitely needed a shower. But the combination of the Hunting Season game and the walk back through Tokyo had sapped all my energy.

Tomorrow, I can take a shower and wash the bed linen and Chishiya’s hoodie tomorrow. For now…

I curled up, still in my clothes, and slipped away into a quiet sleep. And for the first time since the Hearts game, I dreamt of nothing. Not the businessman’s starched collar… nor the cool twinge of gunmetal… or even the drip of blood against my eyelids; just blackness.

Outside, the shadows of hollow buildings blurred together into a vacant grey space. A cool wind blew through the alleyways, catching the edges of roof tiles, and slipping into a gentle whistle that rang through Tokyo at midnight.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review (ch 90-91)

Since I discussed the first few pages of ch-90 that contains kyo & tohru in my previous preview, this one will only be kyoko’s story.

Kyoko’s story brilliantly explores the effects of unhealthy domestic environment on children without the use of the zodiac curse as a metaphor for abuse. My first-reaction of kyoko’s story is the following:

I really enjoyed how kyoko’s descend into darkness was explored & how the psychologically-informed writing of her behavior was depicted.

I was troubled by how Katsuya was presented as the magical solution to all her problems. Kyoko was saved by romantic love in a more basic writing than machi. Both girls just needed a guy to listen to them vent abt their family issues once & tada~ they’re in love.

Kyoko’s story made me realize that Arisa is just a more modern & healthier kyoko.. The only difference is that Kureno didn’t save Arisa. She herself changed gradually due to kyoko & tohru’s influence.

1) Kyoko’s descend into Darkness:

Kyokyo told kyo that she was already “out of control delinquent before she got to middle school”, “ fell into the wrong crowd”, “ enjoyed beating innocent ppl”. subtly citing the influence of “delinquent peers” & the innate desire be noticed at home. I’m bad, notice me! love me, listen to me!

There are some elements in her story that faintly reminds me of yuki & strongly reminds me of kyo:

Kyoko’s parents gave her a treatment similar to “ yuki’s parents”: cold, neglect & devoid of love. Her dad, similar to kyo’s dad, felt ashamed & disgraced by her.

Kyoko similarly to kyo was angry, full of self-loath & self-destruction. However, kyo was never violent like she was. I believe kyo’d have turned like her if he didn’t have Kazuma to discipline him with love, care & attention. Hence, we saw kyo carry on a code of “ not beating girls, or ppl who aren’t hurting them, or don’t know martial arts”, like Arisa or the student council guy whop loves yuki.

Kyoko’s mom similarly of kyo’s mom talked abt the dad venting his anger on her after being pissed off with kyoko. So, a hint of domestic violence between husband & wife.

Kyoko described herself as “ made of shattered glass”. Tohru once said both kyo & yuki are very sensitive. yuki blocks the world behind the prince mask & kyo puts on the annoyed attitude to push ppl away from hurting him.

Society thinks that “delinquent/bad ppl” are always happy with what they’ve become. Satisfied with their destructive choices. When in most of the times... they’re as bewildered & confused as the community around them..

I really don’t blame the teachers for being defensive. Teachers aren’t supposed to be “life-coaches” or “saviors of students”. That’s sth the educators with their research gush abt & what society demands & what families wish for. The fixer-teacher!!!! Teachers are ppl teaching a subject, doing a specific job, underpaid & overworked most of the times, also, they come from various backgrounds, beliefs, & sometimes even if they meant good & wanted to “ save” a student, they aren’t equipped with the suitable psychological training. Yeah, there are ppl for that in schools, but so many students with lots of issues. Also, let’s be real, we love kyoko cuz she’s the “epic mother of tohru, we grew on her teachings thro out 3 seasons” but if you meet a loud, delinquent, gangster head, violent chair throwing student who rarely comes anyway, would you wanna deal with them?

2- Katsuya “ the magical savior”:

so, why did teacher katsuya helped a screaming delinquent? cuz he IS interested in kyoko. He said so. He approached her, talked & tried to help cuz he intended to “never let her go since he saw her honesty” ~ romantic? maybe to some.. I find it weird & creepy. him eyeing her & getting interested & approaching her & earning her trust. It is true that he has no intention of hurting her or forcing her & he DID save her in more ways than one. But why is this all wrapped in romance. He DID flirt with her intentionally many times from the moment he saw her until then.

If Im being honest, had he not be her teacher (trainee or not), & had she not be very veeeeery young! I’d be enjoying his flirting so much. He’s so smooth, playful & cool (not looking head over heels in love) which is normally such a fun dynamics. She was so head over heels, tho. Finally found someone who noticed her tiny efforts “ drawing eyebrows”, someone who listened & someone who didn’t forced her to do her “duties”. She tells him (her teacher) that she is ditching classes & he’s okay with that~ not lecturing, not urging. why? cuz He only wants HER. she comes to see him in the lunch break everyday. school? classes? that’s her choice~ not his business~ In a way, Katsuya is intentionally made not morally correct. Why? cuz a good moral adult wouldn’t be in love with a middle schooler & would care for her future as an independent person from him. He must be written with intentional desire to NOT care for morals or right or the likes. Yes, he later helps her to study & graduate but ONLY when that is HER choice & she made it ONLY to catch up with him. To cleanse herself & be “ like the other girls” . Kyoko deemed katsuya “ good person” &  herself “ bad person”. That’s why she was motivated to be good to catch up with him since she can NO LONGER see him everyday in lunch break. He fixed that. How? teach her in the weekends & provide better chances to flirt since he’s no longer a teacher & she’s his student. The issue is not teacher-student love... it is adult-kid love!! but hey~ they’re cute (they’re written to be, so they are) so it’s cool ( it isn’t at all..eww).. oh the dilemma that is Takaya-san’s love for weird big age gaps where one is an underage teenager...

Furuba’s has this big theme of “ love doesn’t heal or save”. yuki took tohru’s love & grew up by himself. Kyo’s love for tohru didn’t save tohru, she was scared to be in love & forget her mom. Tohru made the decision to be free from her past, herself.  Tohru’s love to kyo made his trauma 10 times more complicated & he acted based on his love for her & decided to leave her. It wasnt until he decided to face his trauma, past & bio dad by himself, that he accepted tohru’s love. Only two characters were totally saved by love:

Machi: has the excuse of being solely created to be yuki’s reward for acknowledging platonic love for tohru & everything abt her is rushed & made as a lighter copy of all yuki’s issues to quickly create shared grounds for them to connect. Machi needed to vent her issues to yuki once & all her issues were never brought back to the service again. She was happier, calmer & healed.

I expected more for kyoko. She IS a bigger character than half of the zodiacs! but she just needed katsuya to listen to her & she was in love & her issues solved.

I don’t deny that it IS true that sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us. Tohru herself said so & even yuki said it to kyo. But Even if someone listen to us & we love them, the issues that troubled us dont magically disappear until we face them or do sth abt them aided by those who love us. Kyo’s issues remained even with his love until he faced them, tohru’s too!

Katsuya:

had off-screen issues with expressing himself. He said that he loved kyoko cuz she was “honest abt her ugly feelings” while he pretended to “humor & please his dad”. He gave a wonderful speech to her parents abt the expectations of parents on their kids & the refusal of their “human weakness” again furuba’s main vision. Unfortunately, this was followed with confessing, marriage proposal & kissing her on the lips all while the whole issue is abt kids/ parents exceptions of middle schooler/ neglect & his own acknowledgement that she’s minor while he was “in love”.

Like the author wants to tie kyoko’s issues & katsuya’s issues so bad & present him as her ONLY chance for normal life. Kyoko was just repenting & understanding that her actions got consequences which is an epic moment! but romance triumphant & saved the day~ yay~! marriage!

The story would’ve been better romantically if it was given time for kyoko to “ grow up” just like katsuya himself said when they were at the beach. He said “ grow up, middle school is not the world”. He continued meeting her but never confessed & never crossed the line despite the flirting. But he KNEW what he was doing “ i never planned to let you go since I saw you”. He was cementing his place as the ONLY one in her world.

Had kyoko grew up, saw the real world, kept taps with katsuya, he helped her broaden her world, then they’ll marry without needing her dad to sign papers, then that would be a better love story than this.

Side Notes:

The writer didn’t shy away from confessing that pairing Katsuya & kyoko is problematic & stated it in canon (kyoko called katsuya “pedo”). She did the same with Arisa & kureno (Arisa thought the age gap is big & hana questioned if kureno is a married man). However, making the story acknowledge that as an issues doesn’t make it less uncomfortable, but at least, I respect when writers do what they plan to do regardless of fans. even if I dont agree with the writer. It’s way better than when writer becoming fans toy/ fans pleaser.

Still, couldn’t the author state that kyoko was held back few years in jmiddle school & failed & repeated school years? like make her i duno 17 or sth... this would at least lessen the big age gap... but no~~~ kyoko is what? 14? ... -_-’.

You bet this won’t change a bit in the upcoming anime spinoff abt kyoko. Just this year an anime abt an adult man & his high school love interest that he pursued stubbornly was highly popular & my real life friends were gushing abt “ him finally winning her/ being respectful & only kissing her lips once or sth/waiting for her to “catch up” with him”/ consent age differ in X & Y countries..I’m not dictating my beliefs on anybody or any country or saying my way of thinking is the just way. I’m saying, Personally, I think, there are better romantic stories than adults & kids couples.. The fact that this trope of (adults & kids romance) is still popular even today is sad~~

I dont mind HUGE age gaps as long as BOTH characters are adults. If any of them makes a crime, they’ll be held responsible by the law. & sometimes the younger adult is the one dominating the relationship. but “kids or teenagers” can’t. They’re easily groomed & manipulated, so it bothers me when a love story between an adult & a kid is portrayed as  “equal”. it isn’t.

I’m not judging whoever loves such trope in “ fiction”. it IS fiction, & as long as you don't pursue a real kid/teenager in real life, you can like whatever in fiction. moving on~

kyoko’s delinquent life is well-written & if done right, would send a powerful message of being able to start over. But the romantic love aspect will steal the spotlight by (a) directing uncomfortable hate/disgust towards the story & hence all the discussions will abt the “pedo” aspect. (which is fair). (b) Perceived as so lovable romance since katsuya is the prince who to saved the neglected princess which is a trope that has stood thro time garnering lots of support & attention always, so all the discussion would be abt their “cute romance”. (which is fair since the author weaved elements that endeared their romance, such as: cute nicknames “miss no-eyebrows”, him giving her space, home & respect, saving her from the streets & poverty & having the most endearing tohru”. So, yeah, the romance will be the center of attention regardless.

I like katsuya’s character type in fiction generally: the flirty, mischievous & a bit cool guy who is so aware he’s wrong most times & plays his cards smart to not get caught red-handed. He’s a cooler version of shigure. It’s just the blatant fact that he’s been planning to “get” a middle schooler from the first glance & that she is wayyyy young for this, that is bothering me so so much~~ T_T.

I wont expect the anime to change their age gap cuz it is the essence of their story that she’s a lost kid with no protection against the world & he’s the savior providing everything at once!~ Remember kyoko went on to be the savior of an entire clan tho tohru~ So in a way, katsuya saved the sohmas by saving kyoko....

“ i’m like a stray cat that he looked after instead of chasing away”. kyoko with katsuya is like kyo with kazuma! >_<!. When kyo met tohru, he wasn’t a stray cat, most of how he dealt with her was cuz he already knew her & was tormented by remembering kyoko’s death & feeling guilty towards tohru’s constant pain. That’s why when kyo started falling in love with tohru, he unconsciously stopped pushing her away little by little & just wanted to be with her until akito said “ i’ll hurt her” that’s when he totally gave up.

the way katsiya appeared in the right moment to save kyoko from her dad~ oh the drama. XD

Hospital Discharge & chase. like mom like daughter~ but thank God the kids got a more balanced love story.

Comparing kyoko/katsuya to Arisa/kureno in the broad writing of their romance without diving into details: (a) I hate the age gap in both but at least Arisa is older & nothing happened until she graduates & become an official adult. (b) Kyoko/katsuya are more fleshed out & if you forget the age gap,m their dynamic is so cute & endearing. (c) the love at first glance, never meeting afterwards yet still sickly in love to the extinct of screaming made Arisa/kureno shallower. (d) now that I saw teenage kyoko, Arisa is really just her clone! I hate that this steals from Arisa’s uniqueness. (e) both couples ate ramen in their first meeting/first unofficial date signalling their blooming love.

I’ve said this more than once, but I was the high-schooler that fancied adult independent men growing up, I never pursued anyone tho cuz I understood it was a crush even tho I’m pretty sure my “ *_*” face was clear to one or two, but I’m definitely lucky none of them tried to woo me or influence me. Now that I’m a grown woman, I think back & laugh at my self. I fancied them cuz they were independent & mature compared to the silly high school boys, which is what those men are supposed to be (adults) & what those boys are supposed to be (living their young age). lol. Still, I wish I found someone somehow to be my life’s partner since then, it would’ve made my life less lonely~ T_T.

[glassessence]

PGR - OC

I got so inspired by everyone’s creativity that I created my own OC ^^” Even though she’s a member of the Purifying Force, I hope she’ll still be received warmly. Special thanks to @punishing-gray-raven-ocs​ for their detailed posts about character creation that really made me think about Lydias! 

Warning: I may have gone a bit overboard with the detail. It’s a long read! Also, I threw in a not-so-subtle reference to the most traumatic Memory Rescue mission lmao. So proceed with caution, I guess HAHA

Name                          Lydias: Umbral

Type                            Offensive Support-type Construct

Service time              1 year

Psychological age    24

Activation date         15 March

Height                         167 cm

Weight                        59 kg

Vital fluid type          O

Faction                        Purifying Force

Rank                            A

Weapon                      Chakrams (preferred) /  Gun

Damage type             70% Dark, 30% Physical

Lydias is a support-type Construct modelled after Watanabe’s Astral frame. She has extreme stealth capabilities and excels at tracking, making her ideal for the execution of rogue and infected Constructs.

Her missions mostly involve infiltration and spying, although she’s also been deployed on assassination missions. Those orders come straight from Nikola and their records are kept top-secret, inaccessible even to Bianca.

Her frame is designed for long-range sniping and comes equipped with visual accuracy enhancements and superb calculative powers. However, Lydias prefers to engage her targets in close combat. Killing Constructs from afar feels cruel and cold, like they really are meaningless machines instead of former comrades.

She truly believes in the good of the Purifying Force, but hates the things she has to do. She doesn’t feel like she belongs, but also can’t see a future for herself anywhere else.

Her fighting style is very graceful, featuring a lot of spins and flips that are reminiscent of a dance. Her signature move is called “Blade Dance.”

B A C K G R O U N D 

Lydias was born to a wealthy family in Babylonia. Her mother joined the war effort as a Commandant shortly after she was born and is known as the leader of the elite task force, Cybele. Since then, Lydias has always wanted to follow in her mother’s famous footsteps.

Originally a Commandant of the Black Wolves, a certain incident caused her to give up the position and apply for reconstruction. Despite having low compatibility for Tantalum-193, her application was approved after negotiations with Nikola. Following her surgery, she was transferred to the Purifying Force.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

Shows affection through actions rather than words. Bakes cakes for the humans of Babylonia in her free time

Philosophical, often ponders on the nature of humans and of the war

Likes to make dirty jokes and tease others

Obedient to a fault because she doesn’t trust her own judgement

Comes across as cold, but is just awkward with introductions

Doesn't think very highly of herself. Ignores it when other Constructs call her "traitorous hunting dog" but secretly thinks they're right

Loves the sea and the fathomless depths yet to be explored. Likes to go swimming at every opportunity

Prefers to work alone, but overprotective of her comrades when in a team. Frequently throws herself in harm’s way to shield her teammates. Knows it’s not good, but is too haunted by her past

Trusts easily, but is very guarded with her heart

Knows how to dance a lot of old-school styles like ballroom and ballet, but is too shy to ask anyone to practice with her

S E C R E T S

Has memorised a lot of poetry from before the Punishing Virus outbreak

Gets intensely lonely and jealous when seeing close squad camaraderie like Gray Raven’s

Avoids Kamui because he reminds her of someone she’s lost

Has spied on Watanabe extensively under Babylonian orders and is deeply fascinated by him

Doesn’t trust Nikola, but is unable to disobey his commands

Secretly harbours doubts about Babylonia’s mission to reclaim Earth

Has obtained special permission to download the data of the Black Wolves and often reads the records to keep them alive in her heart

V O I C E   L I N E S

“Team leader? No, I refuse. You’re making a grave mistake.”

“I’m not suited for protecting people.”

“My opinion on the Forsaken? They’re hardworking, loyal, and--Nevermind. We seem to share a similar goal.”

“The Black Wolves? Where did you hear of that name?! Don’t mention it again!”

“I baked a cake today. Would you like some?”

“Yes, I can dance. But I’d prefer it if you didn’t tell the others…”

“I can teach you to dance. Privately, if you’d like. Haha, just kidding.”

“Becoming a Construct was a decision I made rashly. I don’t necessarily regret it, but…”

“Are we really doing the right thing? This endless war… All these years… What have we really achieved?”

INTERLUDE

D U S K F A L L

A voice cracked over the intercom. “...dant…Com...ant...Commandant, do you hear me?!”

Lydias blinked. The urgency in his voice caught her off guard. Ferdinand kept his cool even in the most dire of situations. Something was very wrong. “Tell me, Ferdie.” Static. “Ferds? Come through!” Nothing. Communications had been poor ever since they’d entered this area, but they’d managed until now. For it to suddenly fail like that… it couldn’t be a coincidence.

“Shit,” she said, turning to the other two Constructs with her. “On guard, guys. Something’s coming and comms are down.”

Ilya grimaced. “Sure it’s not one of Ferdinand’s pranks again?”

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Flora offered, even as she tightened her grip on her lance. “Pesky little bastard would find it hilarious.” Lydias said nothing. She was too tense. There was a taste in the air, a metallic tang that churned in her belly. Sweat dripped into her eye. Suddenly, a hand slapped her on the back. “Relax, Commandant,” Ilya chuckled. “We’ll protect you like always. No need to be so scared all the time.”

Something in her loosened, just a bit. “Shouldn’t I be the one protecting you?” she retorted, trying to project confidence. “You guys with your fragile little M.I.N.Ds?” Flora laughed, a deep-belly rumble that Lydias loved. The knot in her stomach unravelled some more. “You do that, Commandant,” Flora said. “We’ll just twirl our pointy sticks at the bad guys.”

Lydias was just about to say something snarky when she caught movement in the corner of her eye. She swirled, gun at the ready. There was still no word from Ferdinand. “I’m sensing a large Corrupted force in our perimeter,” Ilya reported. His voice had lost its casual lilt. “They’ve got us surrounded.”

Lydias cursed. “How’s that Memory retrieval coming along?”

“Slowly,” Ilya replied unhappily. Flora clicked her tongue. The Corrupted were visible now. They weren’t like anything Lydias had seen before. They carried advanced weapons - chainsaws and spears and bows - and seemed to be organised into phalanxes. Dread coiled in her belly. “We’ve been ambushed,” she breathed in horror. “Ferdinand tried to warn us. They must have blocked off comms.”

“Well, shit,” Flora grunted. The Corrupted army was within gunshot range now. “When the fuck did they get so smart?”

“Someone must be leading them,” Ilya said. “How did the information leak?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Lydias said. “We need to retreat. Now.” A bullet flew by her head, burning the shell of her ear as it passed. Her heart hammered. “Back off,” Flora growled. She twirled her spear, eyes flashing as she impaled the Corrupted soldier. Beside her, Ilya stepped forward, fast as a flash, and stabbed one through the neck. Lydias fired off three shots, watching in grim satisfaction as two buried themselves in the heads of two infected Constructs.

The scene descended into chaos just as Ferdinand’s broken voice sounded in her ear. “...n...way! Comm...ant!”

-----------

Flora stumbled back. She was breathing heavily. Vital fluid leaked steadily from several places, staining her coat a rich purple. Ilya was behind her, grimacing. His left arm was gone, torn away at the shoulder. Sparks flew from the exposed wires within. Beside them, Lydias swayed unsteadily. She clutched at her stomach. Red blood seeped through her fingers. All their attempts to break through had failed. Things were looking more hopeless by the minute. 

“Commandant,” Ilya said, voice strained. “Turn off my pain receptors.” Flora nodded. “Same here.” Lydias coughed wetly. Her vision was growing dim. “It’s dangerous,” she admitted, wishing she could shut off her own terrible pain. “But there’s no other choice.” She authorised the command. Her team’s face relaxed immediately. She met their determined gazes and nodded. “We’re all gonna go home. Together.”

Ilya smiled. Flora grinned. But there was a sadness in their faces Lydias didn’t want to acknowledge. Her connection with Ferdinand was still blocked. He could be dead for all she knew. She turned away from the thought. Just survive, Lydias. And take the Wolves home.

Together, the Black Wolves rose. Ilya with his dagger and Flora with her spear. Unseen by Lydias, they nodded to each other. An agreement, a pact. A promise. Renewed, they threw themselves at the Corrupted like cornered animals. Slowly, inch by painful inch, an exit was being forced open. Corrupted weapons dug into their bodies, but they pushed on. 

Lydias fought beside them, swinging her chakrams haphazardly. Her gun had run out of ammo long ago. She stumbled, half-blind, and almost skewered herself on the end of a Corrupted sword. She could hardly think straight; blood loss was making her weak. Suddenly, a voice crackled in her mind. “Commandant!” Ferdinand’s voice tumbled through her hazy thoughts. “The signal jammer is gone. What’s your status?!”

Her heart soared, bringing with it a brief burst of clarity. “Ferdie! It’s an ambush. We need support!”

“I’ve already informed Babylonia,” he said urgently. “Reinforcement is on the way. I’m coming to you, Commandant. Just hold on!” His signal blinked to life, moving rapidly towards their location. Lydias smiled grimly. Ferdinand was on his way. Support was coming. Surely, they would be okay. They would make it out of this. She just had to hold on for a little longer. 

Flora’s signal pulsed unsteadily and Ilya’s grew fainter with every breath. Lydias clung with desperation to the unstable M.I.N.Ds of her Wolves. I will protect you.

-----------

“Coming through!” A ray of energy tore through the Corrupted wave. Lydias spied Ferdinand’s face through the sea of blades. She almost wept with relief. “Retreat,” she said hoarsely, struggling to stay conscious. “Black Wolves, retreat!”

On cue, Ilya and Flora rushed through the tunnel, half-carrying Lydias with them. Between one ferocious breath and the next, they’d broken through the Corrupted circle. She tumbled bonelessly into Ferdinand’s open arms. He took a brief moment to survey her and paled. “The meeting point isn’t far,” he said. “Support will be there.” He picked up Lydias and turned to run, but Ilya and Flora didn’t follow. 

“Sorry, but this is the end of the road for me,” Flora said wryly. “Didn’t think it’d end like this.” She spat out a wad of purple fluid. “At least these fuckers will go down with me.”

“And you get the privilege of dying by my side,” Ilya said primly, readjusting his grip on his dagger. Flora laughed, an edge of sadness in her voice. “Yeah, old man, I guess I do.”

Lydias stirred in Ferdinand’s arms. “No,” she said, forcing herself to meet their gazes. “I won’t allow it.” 

“Unfortunately, Commandant,” Ilya said. “This time it’s not up to you.” He raised his remaining hand in a salute. “It’s been a pleasure working with you.”

“Go on,” Flora growled. “We’ll make sure nobody pursues you.”

Ferdinand pursed his lips, but nodded tightly. Lydias fought in his grip. She hardly even felt the pain. “No!” she screamed, or tried to. It was hard to tell where her voice was. “Don’t! I forbid it! That’s an order!” He started running. She watched helplessly as the distance grew. “Stop! Go back, we have to help them! Stop!”

In the fading light, Ilya fell and was immediately consumed by a horde of Corrupted hands. His signal weakened then blinked out. A scream tore itself from her throat. She thrashed in Ferdinand’s grip and felt his hold on her loosen. White-hot pain shot through her body as she tumbled to the ground. Mad with grief, she crawled forward desperately, mind blank except for the desire to be with her Wolves. 

Strong arms lifted her up. Ferdinand’s lively voice was dull. “Please don’t do this, Lydias.” 

“Let go, Ferdie,” she said angrily. “We have to--” Flora’s signal flickered out. Lydias felt her spirit break. “No,” she cried. “Please, no.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. Words abandoned her. The world seemed to shrink, compacting to a single thought: she had failed. 

-----------

She woke to white light. Something beeped steadily beside her. Tubes ran from her body to several machines like the tentacles of some deep sea creature. Her entire body hurt. Immediately, she reached for the Black Wolves, but their signals were absent, leaving her mind uncomfortably empty. Panic settled like ice in her veins. It couldn’t be. It was impossible. 

Surely, they had recalled their consciousnesses. Surely, she’d simply woken up early. And where was Ferdie? Gasping, Lydias stood, dragging her broken body to the wall of windows. She brought a fist to the cool glass. Nikola watched her from the other side. “Where are they,” she croaked. “What happened?”

He shook his head sympathetically. “They didn’t recall their consciousness. According to our records, Ilya and Flora died protecting you from pursuit. Ferdinand was infected.” His eyes were grave. “He guarded you until reinforcements arrived.”

She didn’t know if she could bear the answer, but she asked anyway. “And then?”

Nikola studied her for a long moment before giving in. “And then the Punishing Virus took over his M.I.N.D. He escaped because we prioritised your survival.” A desperate hope sparked to life within her. “So he’s still alive? Then there’s still a chance! Please, let me find him!”

“You know it doesn’t work like that.” 

“Please,” she begged. “Please.”

He turned away from her. “The Purifying Force has already been sent after him. I’m sorry, Lydias.”

-----------

Three weeks later

“Are you sure?” Nikola asked, studying her with intensity. “Your chances of success are only 47%.”

Lydias stared at him blankly. “I’m sure.”

“I’m afraid I can’t allow it. Commandants are valuable to Babylonia. Perhaps even more than Constructs. Few possess the will and compatibility to stabilize M.I.N.Ds. Someone as experienced as you is not expendable.”

“Then I quit being a Commandant. I refuse to lead another squad.” She looked away. “I couldn’t protect any of them. Not a single one.” Her voice broke. “I’m not… I don’t think I can--I just can’t.”

Nikola considered her with some pity. “What do you want then, Lydias?”

“You know what I want. I’m not afraid of dying.”

“I know you’re not afraid, but it seems to me like you seek it.”

She said nothing. Nikola sighed. “I’d rather not lose you completely. You have experience and ability. The Black Wolves were specifically chosen for that mission for your competence. Aife will increase our combat power significantly against the Corrupted.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s unfortunate, but these things happen at war.”

“Say whatever you want,” Lydias said stubbornly. “But this is my final decision.”

“Fine,” Nikola said. “Your attempt at redemption is admirable. I’ll grant your request, but if you survive, you’ll work directly under me. Is that acceptable?”

“Perfectly.”

INTERLUDE HIDDEN CHAPTER

F A D I N G   L I G H T

Flora: Fairfrost - Voice Log 

*sounds of fighting* I hope this reaches you, Commandant. I don’t think I’m gonna last much longer and… *grunting* I just wanna say goodbye. The old man’s already gone. I felt his signal die out a while ago. He went down taking a blade for me, can you believe it? Even though I’m the Attacker Construct. *panting* You know what his last words to me were? “It hurts.” As if our pain receptors weren’t turned off. I know what he means though. *blades clashing* After all, we all wanna go back home with you. But life’s a bit unfair, eh? For once, I don’t mind. Protecting your back… it almost makes me feel like a hero. That ain’t something you experience every day, y’know? *metal tearing* I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. For being someone worthy of love. *crash, wet coughing* It’s been my honour and privilege to have been one of your Wolves, Commandant. You’ll remember me, won’t you?

-----------

Ferdinand: Aegis - Voice Log 

Lydias… This will probably be my last communication with you. I never would have thought this would be how it ends, but… Well, I’m just glad that I get to spend my final moments with you. I can feel my M.I.N.D. slipping, but Babylonia will be here any second now. They’ll take care of you, the way I wish I could. *sigh* Ah, there are so many things I want to say. I have nothing to lose anymore, so I hope you’re ready to listen. *deep breath* I love you. The way you laugh at my jokes and tease me. The way you can talk about anything. Your smile, your lips. I love the way you kiss me. And of course, I love our late night activities… Such as you trying to teach me to dance. *short laughter* Were you expecting me to say something else, Commandant? You--*grunt, glitching* Looks like my time is running out. I should go, but promise me one thing, Lydias. Promise me you’ll keep your heart open, so that someone else can love you as you deserve. I--You--*glitches*

DATA CORRUPTED.

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 21

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised

Previous Chapter: Chapter 20

Next Chapter: Chapter 22

Cordelia returned to the entrance with the dead werewolf for a second time when Alastair had figured out how to operate the water mechanism. It was confusing, apparently there was a sewer system, but it was closed off and that’s why the flood water didn’t recede. Now it was, and Cordelia realized there were even more doors and corridors where the water had been. Perhaps the flood had been on purpose. Solving this couldn’t be impossible, but it could be a pain and Tatiana had probably designed it in such a way that it could take some time to solve.

‘Lucie, are you still up there?’

‘We’re alright!’ It wasn’t Lucie, but Thomas calling back down.

‘We solved the water mechanism and can now access the lower floor!’ Cordelia called back. ‘Alastair is in a different room, he’s trying to solve a puzzle to reveal… I don’t know what it will reveal but we figured it was important. Also, we found a few keys but for some reason they break after opening a door with them. Most so far led to dead end rooms with another key.’

‘Ah, that’s annoying,’ Thomas said. ‘Probably part of the puzzle though. I think it’s common in game dungeons that you can use a key on any locked door in the area but only once.’

Cordelia frowned. ‘That makes no sense,’ she called back.

‘I guess she could have made different keys for every door as well, but this works. Good luck, and come here if you need anything!’

Cordelia hesitated. ‘Is Lucie alright?’

‘Yes, just taking a nap. She reversed the changes but it’s tiring, so she’s trying to conserve energy. Right now, everything is as it was when we entered, but I’ll keep watch.’

‘Alright, I’ll be back,’ Cordelia called up.

‘Good luck.’

Cordelia returned into the dungeon. Alastair was no longer in the room with the puzzle, instead he was standing in the corridor that was formerly flooded. It smelled disgusting down there, and Alastair seemed quite vexed by it.

‘The bloody thing broke again!’

‘What?’

‘The key! I solved the sliding block puzzle, which was more of a physical effort than a mental one considering the blocks were heavy to move, but the only reward was another bloody key. So I figured I’d be careful with it and open this door here, and the key broke again.’

‘Thomas thinks that might be part of the puzzle design,’ Cordelia said. ‘Every key can only be used once. What’s behind that door?’

The key mechanism was a bit odd. Cordelia had tried to cut down another door, but there had been another magical barrier there. A key had been able to open it by sticking it into the air, which made no sense. Then the key had broken. None of the keys had opened the former door to Grace’ skin though, but if the design of this thing made any sense, she suspected there would be a special key. Cordelia hoped sticking the special key into the magical barrier would do the trick.

‘Another room with another puzzle. Come see.’

Cordelia took the ladder to descend into the lower floor and entered the room Alastair was in. It was a room lit by torches, one door on the other end. Along the walls were thick green vines that had overgrown another door. There was a table in the center with a cauldron, several bottles of differently colored liquids, and a recipe on a piece of paper.

Cordelia guessed it was a good thing there was another door, several of the previous rooms had been dead ends, with another puzzle to reveal another key. She suspected this one would take them deeper into the dungeon, which she imagined was where they needed to be.

‘I think we’re supposed to make a weed killer here.’ Alastair said. ‘We could probably bypass this with cortana.’

Cordelia wasn’t so sure. ‘Every time I tried to cheat with cortana, there was still a magical barrier. It looks like all the ingredients are here at least. All we have to do is follow the recipe.’

Following the recipe was not as easy as it sounded. Not all bottles were labeled, and they had to compare pictures. Some of the bottles looked very similar and were hard to distinguish on the drawing. Still, Alastair seemed sure of what he was doing. Cordelia not so much.

‘You’re not supposed to add that yet!’ Cordelia yelled.

‘Yes, I do,’ Alastair groaned. ‘It’s right here.’

‘No, that’s this bottle,’ Cordelia insisted.

‘No it’s not.’

‘And after that, you add exactly three petals of this flower,’ Cordelia added.

‘You do it then,’ Alastair said, putting down the bottle and stepping away from the potion.

Cordelia thankfully took his place and added a different bottle which she believed was the correct one. Not much later they were having a similar discussion, arguing about which of the two remaining bottles needed to emptied into the cauldron and which one was to be discarded.

‘You’re so bloody stubborn,’ Cordelia groaned. ‘Can’t you just accept that I’m right?’

‘I would if you were actually right,’ Alastair said in a superior tone. ‘As it is, I’m absolutely certain you need to use this bottle.’

Cordelia checked the instructions once more and guessed maybe Alastair was right. The drawing was inconclusive to say the least.

‘Alright, I’ll try this one. But if it all blows up, I’m blaming you.’

‘I can live with that. Just do it.’

Cordelia took the bottle Alastair believed was the right one, and emptied it over the cauldron, stirring three times counter clockwise as described.

‘This should be it.’

‘It didn’t explode,’ Alastair said. ‘So I’m hopeful that means it works.’

‘Help me carry this.’

Cordelia was quite strong herself after years of training with cortana, but carrying an entire cauldron of this stuff to the vines was a two person job.

The vines receded, allowing them to reach the door and open it. Cordelia was very thankful this door could simply be opened and was not dependent on another key.

‘This is turning into a bloody maze,’ Alastair said, looking into the next corridor.

He had a point, the door led into a corridor with several others branching off. The pathways were much narrower than before, just wide enough for the two of them, and dimly lit by torches high up.

‘We don’t happen to have a thread, do we?’ Cordelia asked.

‘No, but we can find our way through,’ Alastair promised. ‘You just need to stay with me Layla.’

‘I’ll go warn Thomas first,’ Cordelia said. ‘That we’re entering a maze and it might be some time until we make it through.’

Cordelia climbed up to the first room as quick as she could and shouted upward. ‘Everything still alright there?’

‘Lucie just did the spell again, but she’s getting really tired, she’s taking another nap. I’m not so sure she could do it again.’

‘The next room is a maze and we’re not sure how long it will take,’ Cordelia called back.

‘Are you sure you won’t get lost?’

‘With Alastair’s memory, we can retrace our steps. He can draw a map in his head.’

‘Alright, good luck!’

Cordelia returned to Alastair, who was waiting in front of the door, and the two of them entered the maze together, Cordelia staying close to her brother.

‘I already checked this corridor and it’s a dead end,’ Alastair said.

‘We can try that one,’ Cordelia said, pointing at a corridor to the right that seemed to branch off in several other corridors.

Cordelia followed her brother and it didn’t take long for her to have no clue where she was or how to get back. The maze was dimly lit by torches and Cordelia wondered if those were magic too, or if someone had lit them recently. Their pace was slow, Alastair glancing around, careful to take in enough information to keep track of the location. There were decorations on the wall, old Corinthian style pillar like structures. They weren’t quite pillars as they were part of the wall. There was a relief, something Roman or Greek, even though they were in Scotland and the Romans had never made it here. Perhaps Tatiana liked the classics, she created this right?

Cordelia wondered how someone could create such a structure. It undoubtedly involved making a deal first, although perhaps Lucie had the power to shape things here on her own. Would she be able to make a maze like this too?

They reached a dead end and Alastair turned back, choosing another corridor. Cordelia couldn’t be sure it wasn’t the one they’d been in before, everything looked so similar, but she trusted Alastair knew what he was doing.

‘I must say this is a proper defense,’ Alastair said. ‘Chances of getting lost in here are pretty high if you don’t know what you’re doing.’

‘They say that in a maze, you should put one hand on the wall and follow that wall so that your hand never leaves it,’ Cordelia said.

‘That would work eventually, but takes forever,’ Alastair said.

Cordelia stepped on something hard. ‘Hang on for a moment,’ she said as she bent down, taking the object into her hand.

It was a key, just like the others. ‘That one could have been easy to miss,’ Cordelia said, putting the key in her pocket. ‘Good thing I stepped on it.’

‘Not another key,’ Alastair groaned. ‘How many more of these things are out here?’

‘I don’t want to know,’ Cordelia said. ‘But I’m glad we found it now and don’t reach the exit and realize there we missed a key somewhere.’

‘I think if that happened, I would murder Tatiana, ask Lucie to bring me her ghost and then murder her again.’

Cordelia couldn’t say she disagreed. She guessed exploring such an underground structure would be fun in a video game, but in real life it involved a lot of walking and if you failed at something you couldn’t always just try again.

After some more time of trying different paths and Alastair telling her where to go next, they reached a door with a lock on it. The exit.

Cordelia tried her key and it fit. Once again, it broke off while Cordelia opened the door, rendering the key useless but the door opened.

‘Stupid key,’ Alastair muttered, along with a string or Persian curse words he would never have dared speak in their mother’s presence.

‘At least the door is open.’

The next room was a large dome shaped hall, much lighter than the others. There was an opening to the surface at the top of the room that let light from outside in, but they would never be able to reach it from here. Nor would they fit through, as there were bars blocking the exit.

There were no doors apart from the once through which they entered, and in the middle of the room on an elevated platform was a key.

‘If I were to design this dungeon to keep something of mine safe, this would definitely be a trap.’

‘I agree,’ Cordelia said. ‘But that key has to be the one to Grace’ skin.’

It was a golden key, bigger than the others. This had to be it. If it were a video game, the dungeon would probably end in a fight against some monster who was here to guard the key, but Cordelia had already fought a werewolf, and besides, where would a monster come from here? There was nowhere it could be hidden. But there could be a number of deadly traps on the platform itself.

Cordelia held cortana in front of her and carefully took a step closer until her sword reached the key. She used the dull edge to make sure the key wasn’t harmed in the process, and pulled it towards her, off the platform. She carefully picked up the key from the ground. As she did, the door behind her slammed shut.

‘Now you’ve done it,’ Alastair groaned, turning back and trying to open the door.

Locked, just as expected. She had the key, but now they had no way out. Water started filling up the room, slowly at first, but progressively faster.

‘There has to be a solution!’ Cordelia said. ‘Some way to stop the water and get the door to open.’

‘There’s no time! I knew it was a trap.’

The water reached Cordelia’s waist already. It was cold water, chilled her to the bone. If they didn’t drown, they might as well die from hypothermia.

‘Yes, we both did. But at least I have the key.’

‘Which is no use if we don’t get out of here,’ Alastair hissed. ‘We’ve come too far to drown in gross water.’

***

Thomas was growing worried. He hadn’t heard a thing from Alastair or Cordelia ever since they’d mentioned they had to go into a maze next. Which made sense, going into a maze might take a while and they might not be able to report back as easily anymore. If anyone could navigate a maze, it was Alastair. With his memory, he’d know where he’d been and where to go. He would be able to trace his own route back. They could do this. But Thomas had no idea what else was waiting down there. It seemed to be a rule that there had to be a solution, but that didn’t mean there weren’t any deadly traps.

Lucie was napping. Thomas didn’t think she was really asleep, but at least lying down as comfortably as she could with her eyes closed allowed her some rest. It was becoming difficult for her, Thomas could tell. The wall had changed again, the first sign, but Thomas wasn’t sure if he should wake Lucie already. It was only the first change, it wasn’t coming close to the land of the thief of souls yet.

Lucie sat up for a moment, rubbing her eyes, smudging some dark make up into the corner of her eye. ‘That’s odd,’ she said.

‘What is?’

‘There’s a ghost here,’ she said. ‘Just behind you.’

Thomas instinctively looked before realizing, of course, he wasn’t going to see a ghost.

Lucie tilted her head, her gaze fixated on something behind Thomas. ‘Well, I think it’s a ghost. But it looks like how people portray ghosts in movies, not the way ghosts usually look. White and transparent.’

‘I don’t see anything,’ Thomas said. ‘So that probably confirms it’s a ghost. Can you make them visible?’

Lucie looked into the distance, her gaze fixated on something Thomas did not see. ‘Show yourself.’ There was an air of authority in her voice, she was no longer asking, she was commanding.

A woman appeared in the middle of the ruins. She didn’t seem as Lucie had described, she did not look like a movie ghost, nor was she transparent. She looked vaguely familiar but Thomas couldn’t tell why. She had to be in her early thirties, he guessed. Long brown hair, kind eyes. Upon closer look, they seemed greenish, a rare color. Similar to his father’s eyes though.

‘Who are you?’ Lucie asked.

‘My name is Barbara. Barbara Lightwood.’

Thomas’ mouth fell open. ‘No, it can’t be. You’re not her.’

Barbara was his sister. Barbara was twenty three and had recently graduated as a nurse. Barbara was in Paris with her boyfriend Oliver, and they were having fun. She wasn’t a ghost. The woman did resemble Barbara, but Thomas could tell it wasn’t her. For one, she was too old. Some of the features didn’t match. His sister Barbara had brown eyes, this woman’s eyes were green like his father’s. But he had to admit the resemblance was startling. Then it hit him. His grandmother, Benedict’s wife, was also called Barbara. His father had named Thomas’ eldest sister Barbara in her memory, just like Thomas himself had been named after a close friend of his mother’s who’d died young. This woman was his grandmother, who’d died when his father was five.

‘What do you mean?’ the woman asked. ‘You do not know me, do you? Can you tell me where I am? I need to get home as soon as I can. My children aren’t safe. My husband is up to something and I need to get the children and run before something happens to them.’

‘Do not worry. Your children are fine,’ Lucie said.

Thomas wasn’t so sure that was true, but he suspected Barbara didn’t realize how much time had passed. She believed she had very young children who were with her husband. His father had been around five when she died. It occurred to Thomas that she’d figured out what he was up to. She’d tried to run. Thomas had never realized, he didn’t think his father had either. Was trying to leave why she’d died? Thomas had been told abusive partners were at their most dangerous when one tried to leave.

‘No, they’re not,’ Barbara insisted. She looked terrified. ‘I do not know what it is Benedict’s doing, but it’s bad and I cannot allow him to be around my children. It is not safe for them. I will contact my brother Silas, we can stay with him until I have it all worked out and know we’re safe from Benedict. I had it all planned out.’

‘You died,’ Lucie said. ‘Ghosts do not always realize. You’ve been dead for a very long time. Your children are all grown up.’

Barbara turned to Thomas and took him in. She squinted, taking all of him in. ‘You look so much like him… Is that you, are you my Gideon? I always knew you were going to grow to be very tall.’

Thomas tried to hide the tears in the corners of his eyes. It was all becoming a bit much. ‘No, my name is Thomas. Thomas Lightwood. Gideon Lightwood is my father. And he’s not as tall as me, although he is still taller than average.’

‘Your father… How long has it been? He was five, the last time I saw him. Just this high.’ She held up her hand to indicate how tall his father had been,.

‘He’s forty five now,’ Thomas said.

‘It’s been forty years?’ Barbara’s mouth fell open. ‘I’ve been gone for that long? And my children have grown up without me. I should have been there for them, I should not have left them alone in that big house. Benedict has gone mad.’

‘Benedict died years ago,’ Thomas assured her. ‘We’re all safe from him.’

‘I think it’s the same as with Jesse,’ Lucie said. ‘He didn’t remember anything from where he’d been, and I don’t think Barbara does either. Jesse did realize he was dead, but he could only tell how long it’s been because he recognized me and saw I’d aged.’

‘Where have I been?’ Barbara asked. ‘The last thing I remember is packing up to leave. I had to make sure he didn’t find out, so I hid a suitcase in my closet and secretly packed whatever I would need. He never looks there. I packed clothes, the children’s toys. All my jewelry so I’d have some funds.’

‘What happened after?’ Thomas asked. ‘Did he find out you were trying to leave?’

Barbara closed her eyes, as if she was trying to remember. ‘He did find my suitcase. He realized I planned to leave with the children. He got so mad, I don’t think I’d ever been so scared. I wanted to run, damn the suitcase, but Tatiana was in the nursery and Gabriel was in the play room, and I had to get to them first. I couldn’t leave without my babies. And then he went into his study and although I didn’t understand why, I rushed to my children. I thought I’d get Gabriel and Tatiana, get in the car and go to my brother, and then I could pick Gideon up from school. But I don’t think I ever reached my children. That is the last thing I remember.’

‘That must have been when he made the deal,’ Lucie said. ‘Perhaps he didn’t want to at first, or at least had some doubts, but when he realized Barbara was leaving he decided to make her the sacrifice.’

‘What did he do to me?’ Barbara’s voice broke as she asked that question.

‘Uhm, we’re not completely sure,’ Thomas said. ‘But we think he traded your soul for power. We’re still figuring out what’s going on or why you’re here. We think you can’t remember anything because you were with the thief of souls.’

Was that why she’d appeared more ghost like than usual? Perhaps because she’d been in the realm of the thief of souls, and they were in between, so she was only half there. Perhaps by demanding she show herself, Lucie had pulled her through. Would there be a cost if they set her free? Thomas imagined it wasn’t the same as trading him for Jesse, Benedict must have promised his wife and he never remarried so he didn’t have another wife for the thief of souls to take. Besides, Lucie hadn’t made a deal. She’d taken Barbara away from him, perhaps she could take her into their world as well.

‘I don’t understand,’ Barbara said. ‘He killed me, you say? But what then? Who is the thief of souls? Why can’t I remember?’

Thomas frowned, and then turned to Lucie. ‘Could you make her remember?’

‘I command you to remember what happened the past years.’

Barbara stared blankly. ‘I still don’t remember anything.’

‘That doesn’t work,’ Lucie mused. ‘Perhaps if Alastair helps me. Memory is his domain, ghosts are mine, perhaps if we somehow combine our powers we can help her remember.’

‘They haven’t checked in in a while,’ Thomas said. ‘I think it’s because they went into a maze and it takes longer, but I have no clue how they’re doing.’

‘If anyone can do it, it’s them,’ Lucie said. ‘They won’t get lost.’

‘I don’t understand what you are discussing,’ Barbara said. ‘What happened after I died? My husband killed me. But my children, they are fine? He didn’t hurt them?’

‘Mostly,’ Thomas said. ‘They grew up in Benedict’s house, and I think it wasn’t easy for them. They didn’t realize at the time just how dangerous it was what he was doing.’

Thomas guessed perhaps Benedict did somewhat care about his children, perhaps he would be proud that Tatiana was following in his footsteps. Perhaps it was what he would have wanted for his father and uncle Gabriel. But he was also the kind of man who’d neglected his children, expected them to be his heirs rather than human beings.

‘My father found out eventually, with the help of my mother, Sophie. And then Benedict turned into a giant worm, we’re not sure why exactly, and was killed. I think it was difficult, for them, to process, but my father and uncle Gabriel found ways to cope with it and found support.’

Thomas wasn’t sure exactly how much damage had never healed, but he suspected it was part of why his father cared so much about Alastair. Because like him, Alastair had never had a father he could love or respect. What would it take for Alastair to see that Thomas’ father cared about him, and not just his ability?

Barbara frowned. ‘And Tati? What happened to her?’

Thomas wasn’t sure how to tell her this. The last she remembered of her daughter was a one year old girl, a baby. He sighed, there was no easy way to say this but he couldn’t keep it from her. ‘Tatiana had a son. Jesse was his name. And at some point in his life, Benedict had promised a grandchild to the same being he sacrificed you to. The choice came down to me or Jesse. So when Jesse was twelve and I was nearly fourteen, he died. And now Tatiana made a deal to bring him back. We have not been on good terms with her in a long time.’

He heard a sound from beneath the trap door, something he could not make out. Thomas shone down with his flashlight and realized it was water. Water gushing into the hall, slowly flooding the area. Thomas’ breathing quickened. The place was flooding. Alastair and Cordelia were still in there. They were going to drown, and there was nothing Thomas could do about it. But perhaps Lucie could.

‘Lucie!’

‘What is it?’

‘The dungeon, it’s flooding and Alastair and Cordelia are still down there.’

In the distance, Thomas heard a song. He could make out a sweet feminine voice that sounded like the sea and all he wanted was to go to her. He forgot about Alastair and Cordelia, he forgot about his worries. The song, the girl, she was all that mattered. He would do whatever she asked of him, no questions asked. Why should he? There was nothing he wanted more than to serve her, to be near her always. He could not remember what else there was for him.

[pparkerpoetry]

Face Reality (Part 11)

Title: Control and Loss (the past comes knocking)

Summary: Ranboo runs into Phil and Techno. They've messed with something they shouldn't have, and he wants to let them know that.

Sam is struggling. His creeper side is getting more powerful, and soon his past catches up to him.

Maybe there's hope for the server, yet.

- Chapter One - Chapter Twelve

Masterlist

_____

Have you ever felt loss? No, really, have you ever felt a loss so deep in your soul that you cried out in pain because something was wrong, something was bad, but you had no idea what? Ranboo could answer yes, because he’d really just been drying dishes, trying to avoid the water that dripped off of them, when he crumpled to the ground in anguish.

 The pain he felt was intense, and he felt it right next to his heart. The cry that he’d let out wasn’t human, not even remotely, it was Ender- and he had no idea why it hurt so much.

 Until he figured it out a few days later, completely by accident.

 Ranboo was… mad. Livid, you could say. He really had no business to be, but, well… well actually, that was a lie.

 You see, it had started when he ran into Techno and Phil. Now I know this sounds concerning, because it was, but they had claimed that Tommy hadn’t been to see them in a while, and they were worried. They decided that their worry was enough to warrant a visit to Sam’s house uninvited, and while Ranboo really didn’t care about their presence much, he had noticed that Techno wasn’t wearing a chestplate.

 When Techno turned a little, he found out why. A silky purple pair of wings rested on his shoulders, but they hadn’t been grown. They’d been stolen.

 Ranboo’s eyes narrowed. “That’s a nice pair of wings. Where’d you get them?”

 For once, Phil looked a little nervous. “Well, we couldn't help but notice that the end portal was open, so we figured we would explore it a bit. Found those, but since I already have wings, I figured Techno could use them.”

 Now, Ranboo knew how you got elytra. Endermen were supposed to guard the treasure in their cities with their lives, so he could do that math. “How many stacks of ender pearls did you get?” He asked nonchalantly. “I hope this round of mass murder was more fun than your last one.”

 Techno coughed. “No need to get hostile. We didn’t kill any endermen.”

 “Besides,” Phil mentioned, “Even if we did,”

 “What?” Ranboo asked, leaning against the doorframe. “They’re less than human? Their lives don’t matter? Just like how mine didn’t when you wanted to use me as a weapon?”

 Phil recoiled. “I didn’t mean it like that-”

 “But it’s your honest opinion.” Ranboo shrugged. “Not much I can do about that. Tommy’ll be over in a few days, I think. He was helping Sam with something or other, or maybe he’s watching a movie with Fundy.”

 “Fundy’s here?” Phil asked.

 “Yeah.” Ranboo said, not saying anything as the two others stood on the doorstep. When they turned away, Ranboo said, “Why’d you lie? You think I don’t know everything about the End? I know that you have several other elytras in your hold. I can sense them. They call to me.”

 “What’re they saying?” Techno asked, almost doubtful.

 Ranboo grinned. “You don’t deserve them. They want me to kill you.” Then his grin dropped. His mind had made the connection. “When did you go to the End?”

 Techno shook his head. “You’re gonna say that and then expect answers?”

 Ranboo growled, low and soft. There was nothing soft other than the volume of it, though. Everything in it meant harm. “When did you go to the End, Technoblade?”

 “Geez, I dunno. A few days ago. Why?”

 “You didn’t happen to come across an island,” Ranboo stepped forward, towering over Techno as he felt his posture grow, “With tall, black towers on it, did you?” The dark part of his face inched past the line across the middle of it, “You didn’t happen to find a dragon there, did you? You didn’t happen to kill said dragon, the Queen, would you?”

 Techno shook his head. “Nope. No dragon.”

 Ranboo’s jaw unhinged a little more. “Good,” He said, “Because those types of actions, should you be lying, like I know you are, would have dire consequences. I can’t just let the murder of my Queen go unpunished, now, can I?”

 Phil stepped forward. “Hey, are you threatening him? Just because you’re young doesn’t mean I won’t hurt you.”

 From behind Ranboo, Sam stepped forward. “And just because you’re old doesn’t mean I won’t fight you for hurting my son. I’m having a thin day, Phil. I’d stay away. My temper isn’t the strongest thing right now.”

 Ranboo had no idea what a thin day was at that moment, even if it was explained to him later, but Phil did. Techno did. Nearly every hybrid did, so it was an effective threat. A thin day- a day where the hybrid part of your brain is in more control than your human side. In Sam’s case, a thin day could be deadly for everyone around him.

 Sam had woken up and knew it was a bad day, so he called Puffy to hang around. If he completely lost control, he’d need someone to take care of his boys. Puffy had helped him through many thin days, so he trusted her. 

 He’d spent the whole morning mad at every little thing, biting his tongue so that he wouldn’t yell at his sons. They didn’t deserve to be yelled at. Phil and Techno, though? They were people that he could lose a little control around and be fine. They wouldn’t expect it, but they wouldn’t be offended. His rage at them was justified, and they knew it.

 “Go inside, Ranboo.” Sam said, staring Phil in the eyes. “Don’t look out of the windows. I’ll be back soon, to help you calm down.” He hated how the promise was so similar to his mother’s. 

 “A thin day? You’re gonna threaten us with that?” Techno droned once the door had closed.

 Yes, the voice said eagerly, blow it all up. Kill them. They deserve it. Make them burn. Burn it all.

 Sam hissed, the air around him smelling of gunpowder. The bitter taste of it was rising up his throat, begging to be let out, but he couldn’t- “Look me in the eyes, Technoblade, and you tell me if I seem like someone you should mess with.” He snarled, and when Techno obeyed, he saw nothing but fire and flame. Everything he loved, burned, and at the center of it all, was Sam, undamaged and furious, grasping a handful of singed grey feathers.

 It was a moment before Techno dared to speak up again. “Let’s go, Phil.”

 “Leave the End alone.” Sam said. “You’ve done enough damage. I’ve got no doubt that Ranboo knows exactly how many lives you’ve ruined. Some day, I’m not going to prevent him from losing control, and that’s a fight you won’t win. I suggest you tread carefully around us.”

 Phil saluted, but it wasn’t out of respect. He knew that his father hood over Tommy had been stolen by Sam. “Will do, Sam. Try not to lose it today, will you?”

 “Low blow.” Sam called back, before he went inside.

 No, the voice scowled. You have to explode.

 “Not today. Not now,” He whispered to himself. Ranboo needed help.

 The day went from okay to bad, for Sam. He’d tried to hold his shouts back, but once he got a headache, it was much harder. With the pounding in his head begging him to just ruin everything, he could barely hold back his harsh words.

 Puffy approached him when he was in the kitchen making lunch, trying to escape the pressure of interaction. He just wanted her to leave. 

 “Hey, Sam, are you doing okay?” Her voice was soft, and comforting, and he hated every syllable.

 “I’m fine.” He ground out, palms digging into his eyelids. 

 Puffy tilted her head. “Are you sure?”

 Sam huffed. “I’m fine! It’s just all a bit much. Drop it.”

 “Okay, but I think you should maybe talk about it with the boys, so that they know. They can tell something’s off.”

 “Just drop it.” He growled, straightening his back to continue making lunch, trying to ignore the voice.

 Kill her. Stain the walls with-

 Her footsteps echoed as she left.

 The footsteps came back. 

 Let out your frustration. It will feel better, I promise it will feel better.

 “I thought I told you to drop it!” He yelled, turning around to meet- Tommy’s eyes. Tommy’s very, very terrified eyes. Sam sighed as his eyes filled with tears, turning back to the counter and leaning his elbows on it, tangling his fingers into his hair. “I’m sorry, Tommy. I didn’t mean to yell.”

 “It’s okay, Sam.”

 Kill him. Burn it all. Yell. Scream.

 Sam winced at the use of his name. “No it’s not. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I just-” Quick, make up an excuse, don’t let him think you’re weak and undeserving- “I didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

 Tommy shrugged. “I don’t really mind, I’m used to it. You don’t have to, but if you ever want to tell me the real reason that you’re all pissy today, feel free.”

 Sam went to apologize again, but Tommy was gone, and he just felt worse than before he had yelled. Outside, it started raining, reflecting the tears that fell down his face.

 It had been raining for a while, and it was when everyone was together in the living room that everything started going even more wrong.

 “How are you holding up?” Puffy asked Sam, eyes concerned. She was worried about how he was suffering, trying to suppress his instincts.

 “I-” He didn’t get to respond, because outside, a loud clap of thunder made itself known.

 “Guess we’re not going outside,” Tommy sighed, wrapping a wing around Tubbo, who curled up. “The weather probably won’t get any better for a while.”

 Sam winced as another lightening flash lit up the room. “Puffy, I-” He coughed, trying to push down the need to blow it all up.

 “What? What is it, Sam?” Puffy asked, putting a hand on Sam’s back. It was far too warm.

 Sam’s eyes were glazed over. “I need to go outside. Please. I need to- I need-”

 “Alright, alright, but are you sure?”

 “Yes,” Sam whined. “I need to go outside. I know how it ends up, Puff, but please.”

 Puffy didn’t have the heart to stop Sam as he stumbled out of the door. “Come on,” She sighed, noticing all of the boys’ confused looks. “I’ll explain on the way.”

 It was pouring outside, and creepers were everywhere. The thunder was loud, and more than one of the group flinched at the loud noises. 

 “What are they all doing?” Fundy gaped, turning to look at the group of light green mobs, Sam included.

 “Trying to get charged,” Puffy sighed again, “Sam’s creeper half usually can’t overpower him when it starts to thunder, but he’s having a thin day today. I’ve never seen him this weak against his instincts, so we need to be here in case something happens.”

 No one mentioned how ‘something’ was Sam exploding.

 They all knew it, anyway.

 Ranboo’s hair flopped in front of his face, but suddenly, a large flash occurred, and he squeezed his eyes shut at the bright light. He didn’t see what happened, he didn’t know what was going on, all he heard was Puffy yelling at them to run.

 _____

 Sam felt alive. 

 He’d never felt this powerful, ever. Then again, he’d never gotten charged, either. But when that lightning collided with his body, instead of hurting him, it circled around him. It was warm, comforting. It called to his creeper side, called at him to burn it all to the ground. 

 He’d been chosen to- to what?

 When he looked up from where he’d been knocked to the ground, he saw some players. He didn’t recognize them. Part of him did, but not the part that mattered. Not the part that held control. Not the part that could stop his explosions. 

 His eyes were wild, crazed. His hair whirled in the slight wind that the lightning around him made, and he breathed softly. A smile crept its way onto his face, and his hand formed a fist as he got up. Now was the time to strike- a whole group of people that he could hurt? He could kill? He’d been presented with a unique opportunity.

 Wonderful. Kill them. Feel the heat of the blast.

 He stalked towards the group. They called out his name, but he didn’t hear it. All he heard was ringing. All he felt was heat. Power. The call of the explosion that had formed itself in his stomach. It needed to be let out. It was far too late to stop it.

 The players ran from his glowing form, but one stumbled and fell. The lone victim, evidently.

 When the person (was it a person? It had wings- surely- why did those wings seem so familiar?) turned to look at him as he scrambled backwards, something lurched in his chest. He needed to gain control again. That was Tommy, Tommy, Tommy-

 “Tommy.” He croaked. “I can’t stop it-” The gunpowder rose up his throat, there was no time to prevent the explosion, there was no time to escape the blast zone, there were only two options.

 Kill Tommy, or,

 “I’m sorry.” He whispered, crouching down as the lightning swirled around him.

 Internalize it. Something he’d never tried. It was better than nothing, though. Better than the death of Tommy.

 The pain was something he’d never felt before. The blast had always pushed away from his body, not towards it, and he couldn’t tell if the screams he heard were his own or those of his family. Either way, he figured he wouldn’t be the one to deal with the aftermath. He was going to be dead, most likely.

 _____

 Sam wasn’t dead. He wished he was, because the burning on his skin hurt like he’d been run over by a trail made of scorching-hot embers, but he wasn’t. He was still alive, which was some kind of miracle. His eyes weren’t opening, which was slightly concerning, but he was alive. That was a starting point.

 It took a few minutes for him to be able to pry his eyes open. He was met with a blue sky and several heads staring back at him, all mouthing words at him. Why weren’t they talking?

 He stayed in one spot, too sore to move. His eyes looked from one spot to another, realizing that his hearing was slowly fading back from nothing but a low drone. The voices started to make sense to him.

 “Sam? Sam, are you okay? Never do that again,” Puffy cried, leaning into Niki’s side. When had she gotten there?

 “Dad? Why aren’t you responding?” Tommy panicked, carefully touching Sam’s hand. Sam tried his hardest to speak, but he couldn’t. Instead, he managed to move his fingers into Tommy’s hold. “Dad?” He asked hopefully, and Sam nodded slightly.

 Ranboo moved over. “I, uh, I got a totem from my enderchest, because we couldn’t move you inside. We’ve done our best out here, but we’re all soggy now.” Ranboo had several cloaks piled over his head, protecting him from any rain that fell from the trees nearby.

 “I’m back,” Purpled said, and he was holding a glass of water. “Is he awake yet?”

 “Just woke up,” Sam heard Fundy say from somewhere, then the glass was held to his mouth. 

 He drank the water slowly, until his throat felt a little better.

 “What happened?” He choked out, coughing a little. 

 Puffy frowned. “You ran outside and ended up getting charged, then you went… you went a little crazy. I think your creeper side managed to take control, at least until you almost- you almost-”

 “Blew up Tommy?” He croaked.

 “Yeah.” Puffy smiled weakly. “Then, I dunno, you blew up, but not as big as it should have been, and then you looked almost dead, if not completely mauled,”

 “I imploded.” Sam sighed, closing his eyes. “Didn’t wanna- didn’t wanna hurt ‘im.”

 “I appreciate the sentiment, Big Man, but you didn’t have to.” Tommy said quietly. Too quietly. 

 Sam nodded. “I did. I’d be a shit father to kill my own son, huh?”

 It was quiet as the irony in the words sunk in. “Yeah,” Tommy winced. “I guess you would be. But… Why'd you keep all this a secret? Everyone has thin days.”

 “No one gets as bad as I do,” Sam sighed, choosing his words carefully, “I… I didn’t want you to see me so weak. In such little control. I’m supposed to be strong for you, for all of you.”

 “But you are!” Tommy insisted. “I think all of us are strong for dealing with what we have. It’s just like you’re always telling us, we shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help when we need it.”

 Sam smiled. “Yeah. I guess I should take my own advice, huh?”

 ___

 They all waited out with Sam for the night, and most of the next day, sometimes taking breaks to go inside. This went on until Sam could move inside as well, which was sped up with potions and various other things. Puffy had been sent home, along with Niki and Eret, since the others insisted that they could handle it.

 Sam was draped over Ranboo, and the others stood by for support if they were needed. Just as they were about to move, a voice shouted from nearby.

 “Hey, stop right there!”

 Tommy turned around. He saw a large group of men there (could they fight them off if they needed to?), and he thought about what the appropriate response was. “What do you bitches want? How’d you even get on this server?”

 “Well,” said one of them with a wicked grin, “The admin in charge, while one is in prison, is currently being held up by a kid. It didn’t take much work to force our way in. Speaking of that admin, by the way, we’re really good friends, and I was hoping I could take him back home?”

 Purpled squinted at the man and his weapons. “He is home. Why do I doubt your relationship with him is good?”

 “Ah,” The man shrugged, “It was worth a try. Guess I’m gonna bring in…” He counted in his head while he stared at the ragtag group of people, “Three hybrids instead of just one.”

 Tommy stepped forward and unfurled his wings in a protective manner. “You better not be the hybrid hunters that he told us about. If you are, we’re gonna have issues.”

 “Four, then.” The man considered, admiring Tommy’s wings in a way that made him want to hide them again. “And, we are. After years of tracking creeper hybrid explosions- a very difficult piece of code, by the way -we saw the largest one ever. It could only be the little shit that’s been avoiding us since he was a tiny kid. He’s my life’s work, and I’m bringing him in, then I’m going to retire with the biggest paycheck of my life.”

 Ranboo slowly lowered Sam to the ground. “That’s not gonna happen.” He growled, letting his height grow as tall as it was supposed to be. The line on his face blurred, and this time, he felt in control.

 Purpled unsheathed his sword. “I’d really hoped to not fight again, but if it’s for him, then I’d do it any day of the week.”

 “Oh,” The man said, eyeing Purpled, “You’re the kid that Lucas was talkin’ about before he was killed. I wonder if it was this creeper that managed to finally off him. I’m surprised you didn’t, what with your reputation as a stone-cold murderer.”

 Purpled flinched, but Fundy wrapped a tail around him. “We’re not letting you take him.” Fundy figured it’d be best to not mention Sam’s name.

 “As if a fox could stop us. We’ll bring you all in, I’m sure the regular kid’ll at least serve as leverage instead of being utterly useless.” The man motioned to Tubbo.

 “Tubbo isn’t useless.” Tommy snarled, wings fluffing furiously. “Bring it on, bucko. I’ll fuckin’, I’ll kill you all for even stepping foot in this server. We’re all non-human here, pretty much, so you best believe we’re not letting you leave alive.”

 “Can confirm!” Tubbo said cheerfully, “I’m messaging everyone now!”

 It really wasn’t a fair fight, at all. Not when Puffy, Niki, and Eret came rushing back with their weapons sharpened and ready for blood. Not when Jack showed up, hands blazing, because after all of his rage he needed to be there for those that lived on the server. Not when the rest of the Badlands showed up, not when Karl and his group showed up, not when Techno and Phil showed up because they knew they’d be hunted next. Not when everyone banded together, because after everything that the server had gone through, they were still connected. They still cared, deep down, maybe not very much for some, but they did.

 It was a fun fight, to be honest. Quackity marveled over Tommy’s wings with many others who were seeing them for the first time, people caught up for the first time in ages. Even if the fighters that broke would have to be put together by their own individual families, there were no wars on the server for a very long time. Not when they saw the past of just one of the members.  Not when they realized that the only thing that mattered were the relationships that had been shattered by time. 

 Even if Tubbo went back to Snowchestire, even if Fundy moved into the castle with Eret, even if Puffy visited less because she and Niki were thinking of adopting, even if everyone else moved out down the road, Sam still had his family. It had grown, if anything, to include the rest of the server in some capacity. They weren’t all forgiven, not completely, and the deeds of the past certainly wouldn’t be forgotten, but they were on the road to recovery. Even if it took years, they’d make it to the end, eventually, and maybe they’d get the happy epilogue they deserved the entire time.

[electronicdelusionstarlight]

Ok, here's how I'd set up an actual BNHA Elder Scrolls crossover in case I ever get around to write it:

1) While he's, like, 4 years old in his living room watching TV, Izuku's Quirk activates. It will not get an actual official name but we can call it Planeswalker Spark ala MTG. Basically kid can tear a hole through reality and launch himself into a different plane of existence, which is what Izuku accidentally does here.

2) It's a slow process tho, which gives Inko plenty of time to rush in from where she was to tackle her son away from the sudden green glow brightly shining around him, a impulse decision based on her Instinct to protect him at all costs, which only ends up with both of them getting sent to Skyrim.

3) Izuku incidentally also happens to be a Shezzarine. His quirk is a mutation from her mom's side, whose Quirks usually affect space in some way, and is completely unrelated to this. Anyway, he and Inko are on the cart to Helgen now, usual shit, The plot of Modded Skyrim takes places, with Inko taking on the brunt of the adventure and trying to shelter Dragonborn Izuku from his destiny.

4) After many trials and tribulations, 2 DLCs, 4 guilds, 1 Dragon War, several adopted orphans as well as so many quest mods it's unreal, Lucien Flavius and several members of the College of Winterhold manages to reverse engineer Izuku's quirk, and gives him an enchanted ring to better control it. Kid can now safely use it without risking ending up somewhere completely different from his planned location. Izuku is now 14 years old. He also had to do terrible things no matter how much his mother tried to shelter him and take the brunt of the war crimes. This leads to PTSD obviously, but also to a now blue and orange morality system, chief among them his general disregard with killing or not killing someone.

5) Getting back to 10 years prior, Izuku's Quirk causes a ripple in the Tachion Field surrounding earth, which is felt on I-Island. David Shield spends the remaining 10 years monitoring and trying to better understand the phenomena, since it could be revolutionary in the till then hypothetical field of time and space travel. When Izuku activates his quirk back 10 years later, I-Island has by then built a teleportation device, hijacking Izuku's trip and sending him to I-Island.

6) Meanwhile on a familiar junkyard, Hatsume Mei's scrappy device built via salvaged parts, spit and lots of duct tape comes to life on her back, individuating a sudden tear in the now constantly decaying Tachion Field. It's happening in the middle of the ocean tho, so she can't really deal with it now.

7) Anyway, David Shield needs Izuku at hand for his Quirk, but Izuku and his mom came back to Japan trying to live a double life since by then most of their friends and family are in Tamriel. Except, both of them have been declared dead for years, and Hisashi, the bitch, ran away with the insurance money, so they don't have a life to return to. David Shield can't let them get back to Tamriel tho, again, he needs Izuku on planet for his new research, bit also realizes that if he actually wants to leave he can't really stop him, except Izuku, you know, still wants to become a hero, just like his mom is in Skyrim. So they reach a compromise, he will try to get into UA, and will take a new identity as Mikumo Akatani, usual excuses to have Izuku get into 1-A you know?

8) Izuku can't really make his Quirk public tho. So, after forging his and his mother identities as a foreign dignitary from the states and her son, and his Quirk is listed as "Cataclysm" (The last perk in the destruction skill tree for a Fire (and Earth) mage in the Ordinator Mod). He is after all a member of the college of Winterhold, trained under the Great and Powerful Destruction Magician Uncle J'Zargo the Magnificent himself, of course he knows plenty of spells. However, he can't really explain all of them as one Quirk, or better yet, he can, it would just get really complicated, so he just goes "My mom can move things with her mind, my... Father, ugh, can blow fire from his mouth, obviously my Quirk is being able to control flames with my mind, usually from my hands but some times also via vocalisation."

9) Which means Izuku has to really contain what shit he can do. It's a very superman like situation, since he needs to remain in control at all times and also not slip up and pull spells he couldn't explain as his "fire" quirk, least people start asking questions. Some people however notice.

10) Tsuyu and Todoroki start an unofficial conspiracy theorist fan club over it.

Tsuyu was there with him at the USJ, where in his sudden hyperfocused competence over the crisis situation made her realize A) This is not the first time this boy has almost died in his life and B) Back in the water at the USJ, she could swear she saw his hands shining as some strange light washed over him, and she could swear he could swim as fast as her back then, and for such long periods of time she could swear he could breath underwater. That makes it really suspicious.

Todoroki sees another kid with a powerful fire quirk but also the signs of a hard life and who seems to not like his father, and instantly goes "Oh... same hat." So his conspiracy is that Izuku is actually Endeavour Bastard Son he had after a premarital affair during a visit to the states 14 years prior, and he has a corkboard to prove it. He also realizes that he's trying to contain his power just like he is, which makes him believe he too must have done a pledge just like him.

11) Shinso beats Bakugou on the first match of the tournament. Doesn't really matter to the overall crossover I just wanted to point this out.

12) Anyway, this explodes during the Sports Festival. It's Todoroki Vs Midoriya, and 1) everyone is comparing the two due to similar Quirks, which Izuku finds really unfair to both of them, 2) Todoroki is being a stubborn ass with his quirk and 3) Izuku can't really talk now l, can't he? That would make him an hypocrite, and he might be a Mage, an Honorary member of the Explorer Guild, a Dragonborn and also a Bard College Student for some reason, but he's not a hypocrite, so he just up and SNAPS because hey, maybe Todoroki will actually unleash his full potential if someone else does it first too.

13) So, Izuku Midoriya, on national television, starts blasting. Armour Spells, Ice Spells, Lightning Spells, Mind Spells, Water, Wind, Air, Poison, turns himself invisible, summons a Dremora Champion, shouts with the power of the souls of the Dragons his mother slew, Todoroki actually has to start using his fire but is mostly out of sheer survival now ("There is always a bigger fish out there, and one day you deciding not to use your full power just because of a stupid pledge will get someone killed. Trust me, I know. You better start realizing that now Todoroki"), and is still a close match because Izukus spells all start from his hands or mouth after all, and Todoroki has now something to prove more than ever.

14) Without his robes on tho, Izuku Magicka is depleted in the end, ending up in a tie as the two collapse from exhaustion. Rather than an arm wrestling match this time, Izuku is disqualified due to the sudden mutation of his Quirk. He's fine with it and probably expected it, bit this still bums Todoroki out, as well as all of his classmates and friends.

15) After the Festival there are 4 leading theories on Izuku now:

A) All Might, discovering via Tsukuachi that Izuku's identity is fake, as well that he looks a bit like a missing case kid from 10 years ago, AND knowing that AFO is back due to the USJ... Believes Izuku is a mole, and is working, willingly or unwillingly, for AFO after he was implanted with all those Quirks. He is now incredibly suspicious of him, and it kind of shows. Nighteye is on the same page despite not having talked to the man in years, and is subtly trying to have Mirio scout out the kid to see if he's a threat. Mirio is too much of a Golden Retriever to even realize what has been asked of him tho, and just think Nighteye wants him to befriend another kid with a promising Quirk.

B) Todoroki now knows the truth. Izuku is Monoma's long lost twin brother. His Quirk allows him to copy the Quirks of those around him (Iron Skin and Stone Skin would be Tetsu Tetsu and Kirishima Quirks after all, Invisibility is Hakagure, Fire and Ice are either his or Bakugou's, Lightning is Kirishima, and Tsuyu mentioned how he could swim and breath underwater while near her, meaning he was using her Quirk). He has connected the dots.

C) AFO still remembers his brother's lover, the stories she came up with, the long periods of times she was gone, only to return with a haunted look in her eyes... The powers she hid from him, thinking he wouldn't notice, the way she fled right after his brother lay lifeless on the ground, almost disappearing into thin air with his broken body... The family his brother hid so well from him, as if they were in another world all together... They never told him, but he knew, he knew she had some sort of Quirk, one that had been then inherited by this new Mikumo Akatani, so similar to HIM yet so different, back from the other world in revenge for his ancestor.

He has to capture that kid. He's family after all, and his quirk belongs to him, it's his by right as his brother's keeper. And with it, he will be able to extend his reach to worlds beyond his own.

D) the official version, the one David Shield puts out, is that Izuku's Quirk evolved unexpectedly due to the new environment he was in, mentioning it as a precursor of Quirk Singularity.

E) The only one who actually got it is Hatsume. She can tell Izuku is the source of the Tachion Spikes and subsequent decays as he "returns home" in Skyrim when leaving school, so she perfectly understands that he's a powerful warlock from across dimension who had come here with the power of science and unholy magic to infiltrate society posing as a hero. Obviously, she's going to help him do it becoming his evil vizier and grand artificer of course. Worst case scenario, she can now market the shit out of him as a hero using her babies, best one, he succeeds and she gets to rule Australia out of their "Deal." I say "Deal" because Izuku isn't even sure he got half of what she was saying, but she seems nice and if Skyrim taught him anything is that you should treasure everyone willing to be your friend, so they hang out together, scheming and plotting without even realising it.

Tsuyu however pretty much got the gist of what Hatsume was saying (it was a crowded lunch break after all) and while she does know Izuku doesn't seem the type of the interdimensional conqueror, she still decides to call dibs on North America in exchange of becoming his Grand Admiral.

And Who knows, maybe he'll end up starting an actual line of Dragonborn Emperors there too.

Anyway that's the rough draft.

[moon-goddess-posts]

Hello everyone! This is my first fanfiction and I decided to write kaeya first because I just love him sm 😭😭😭😭 anyway hope you guys enjoy! Zhongli is up next. I'm also new to Tumblr so idk how this works LMFAO

Kaeya x Gn reader

Fluff, kaeya is weird but its ok cause he warms up to you, didn't proof read this cause it was 1am

You were walking around the streets of mondstadt, you always loved the night and decided to come out for some fresh air. Lost in thought, you were reflecting on your first moments here and how the handsome calvary captain gave you a tour of the city. You were an adventurer from Fontaine seeking to do research on all the 7 regions. Mondstadt was the first region on your list. You've heard most of it from stories on barbatos and how he saved mondstadt, but you'd love to meet the people and all the certain flowers that were around. You finally arrived at the front gate and the guards gave you a warm welcome. The city air was fresh and everything had a carefree warm feel to it. "This truly is the city of freedom" you thought to yourself and smiled. Having everything written down on your notebook, you decided to try out the foods that were common here. "What can I get for you today?" The women spoke as you came up to the counter. You took out your notebook and chose a dish. "I'll take one chicken mushroom skewer please, ah would I also ask for your name if you don't mind?" You gave a friendly smile. "My name is Sara, worker at Good Hunter! Your food will be right up. I see you arent around here." "Nice to meet you Sara, im actually traveling the 7 regions for my art pieces and mondstadt just happened to be my first one. I would love to know some tourist attractions around here, would you happen to know a guide?" It was nice to see a conversation going well especially since you were never really the best at conversations. But you wanted to hurry up because your social battery was draining fast. "Id love to be your guide" and unfamiliar voice came to the right and you shot your head to that direction. His appearance was definitely different from the rest of the citizens but looked really attractive either way. He was leaning against the booth almost giving off an intimidating nature underneath the layers of charming. "Really? That would be great, thank you so much! And uhm your name is...?" Depsite the oddness you got from him, you did your best to continue the conversation as normally as possible. "Kaeya, Knights of Favionus, happy to be your guide dear" his sudden pet name made you flitch but you pushed it off "So where are we going first dear calvary captain" you gave him a teasing remark as you smirked. He chuckled "well obviously I wouldn't be a good tour guide if I didn't show you the Barbatos statute first." "Ah of course haha" you gave him a nervous chuckle. "Is there any other reason you decided to come here other than to just "explore"" You thought he ease dropped on your conversation, and even so he still didn't find you that trust worthy. "Well I'm a pretty well known artist where I'm from, but besides just coming here to make art I also decided to write a few poems for each region. If you'd want I can show you my works" you smiled happily and his cold attitude started to fade just a bit. "You can show me once we get to the next place, feel free to draw me then too ♡" it wasn't the best first impression but at least he didn't feel as hostile anymore. You and Kaeya finally made it to the statue and it was more beautiful in person than your thoughts could ever imagine. Ideas started to flow through your brain on how to paint it. "Wow its so...." you were at a lost for words. "Breathtaking isn't it?" Kaeya finished your sentence and you flahsed him a small smile and nod. "Yeah it is, ill be sure to mark it down as the first place to paint. Maybe if you'd like, you can give it to the Acting Grandmaster as a token of my thanks for having me here" "Such a kind hearted soul arent you? I'll be sure to inform her." Kaeya patted your head and walked off, assuming he was leading you to the second destination, you started to follow him. "You should stop by the tavern Cats Tail sometime tonight, I can tell you more about this place and if you'd like, more about me," You saw this as an opportunity for more research on the area, and maybe get to know Kaeya a bit more, he truly was an interesting person, so you

accepted. "I'll be sure to make it around 18:00 or 19:00!" The next destination included a beautiful tree, lake, and another small statue of barbatos. You thought it was truly magnificent, especially how the sun hit the leaves all so perfectly giving it a warm glow. "This place is Windrise. Its often associated with love and is one of the most well know spot for dates." He winked at you and you looked away, not really sure what to do. "Is that so? I can see why. Its very beautiful." You did your best not to stutter from how flirty he was being. "This statue here is for offerings. You find anemoculous and you offer them to the statues. In return, you get a gift from the God." "Oh! We have on of those where I'm from as well, but its a different person." You weren't really sure why you wouldn't tell him where you were from, maybe it was because he was super analytical, or the whole predator with its prey vibe he got going on. "There are 7 types of statues that represent the 7 archons, would it be ok if you'd tell me where you're from? I'm just so interested in you." He gave a flirty smirk and you couldn't help but blush a little bit. "Uhm I'm from Fontaine, if you couldn't tell by the clothes. Its quite similar to Mondstadt, but I find it here to be more peaceful and calming than there." "Fontaine huh? I've heard people live the luxury over there. Very formal." He laughed a bit, part of him was right but it wasn't all that good as he was making it sound. "Hmm I guess you could say that, my parents were pretty well off but I can't say much about the rest." Your gaze drifted off to the forming sunset and you wondered if you should head back soon. "Ill head back, ill tell you more about the attractions tomorrow. Don't forget our date tonight deary..." He waved goodbye and walked off. "Deary.." you said to yourself, he flattered you very much but all of it seemed off in a way. You didn't think to much about it and decided to head back too. Your memories of your first interaction with Kaeya was over once you heard someone call your name. A familiar voice that was. "Y/n!" Kaeya called out. Automatically knowing who it was, you turned around to be greeted by a fine tall man dressed in blue tones "Hi Kaeya!" "I dont think its a good idea for a pretty lady like you to be walking out so late at night." He sounded amused but you were over it. "Oh cut it out captain, I know you were just swooning some girls a couple minutes ago." "Haha so what, you jealous?" "Dont flatter yourself, why would I be jealous anyway? Feelings like those are just a waste of time" you hated to admit that you were just a tiny bit jealous. You weren't sure how your crush on the calvary captain formed but it did and it didn't seem to be going away any time soon. Part of you thought maybe he already knew and he was just toying with you. Or maybe he was oblivious to it, thinking no one could love such a person like him. Either way, you still kept these feelings inside. "There's no shame in bearing emotion, love, its just our nature. And for a while I think you've been feeling pretty intense emotions about a certain someone..." His hand tilted your chin so you could face up to him. Shoot did he know? How was that possible? Was I that obvious? You thought to yourself, you weren't sure how you were going to get out of this situation. "I...I-its nothing that concerns of you" you broke eye contact but you knew kaeya wasn't letting up. "A lie to a lier is no stranger, but if you wish to keep your secrets then who am I to cross such a boundary." He back off from you and you started to breathe again. You wanted to tell him so bad. How much you loved and cared for him, how much you so desperately wanted to be there for him no matter what situation. You were willing to take risks for him if it meant that one day you would forever be together. But maybe you thought the image you had of him was wrong. You knew well enough his flirty nature was never sincere, and how he was hiding something much darker then you ever wanted to imagine. Even so, you still wanted your

thoughts of him to become right. So before he walked off again you mustered up the courage. "Kaeya wait! I, I do actually want to tell you something." He looked surprised now but intrigued. "Ever since we met, there was always something different about you. It always left me wanting to know more and over the years I did learn more about you. But then I started feeling these weird emotions and having thse weird thoughts like thinking maybe one day we could be together...or knowing the real you even. I know you say less than you lead on but I felt like I'd be willing to take extreme risks to know who you actually are. I feel so safe around you and I always smile at those good memories we have. I dont know if this is called love, I dont know fully what love is but you're special enough for me to be having these feelings." Thats it, you let everything out. Awaiting for rejection, you began to panic when the silence held for what seemed like an eternity, until you heard him walking toward you. He held your chin again and gave you a look you've never seen before. A mix of admiration, and happiness. He swiped his thumb over your bottom lip and you tensed up. "Kaeya...." Before you could say anything else, he pulled you into a kiss. A new feeling started to arise and your whole body began to feel hot. Euphoria was coursing through your veins and you felt like you were going to fall without Kaeyas support. He was so warm, so intoxicating. You couldn't even feel where you were or he was, it all just became a bundle of sensations and happiness. You couldn't tell how long you both had kissed for but you were the first one to pull away as your breath began to shorten. "As much as a flirt as I am, I dont do well communicating my actual emotions. So id prefer to show them through my actions. I cant say it right now, but I hope that helped you realize what my answer is." He pulled you into a hug and you buried his face into his fur jacket. Already knowing his answer, you breathed a sigh of relief

[imagininggintama]

Meeting Again, At Last

Summary:

This piece revolves around an OC for the work Gintama.

When I originally made her, I thought Kondo was a lot older than he actually is in the series, so forgive me on that point.

The story explores Kiana, Kondo's adopted daughter who later became the personal on-site doctor for the Shinsengumi, and her separation from her birth family. Throughout are sprinkled bits of the past, such as the day she was lost, when Kondo found her, meeting Sougo, and a couple of others. It touches briefly on the after affects of her attack, which include amnesia and traumatic mutism.

The current day story is an exploration of her finding and reuniting with her birth family.Just for warning: there is a mention of blood, head trauma, and the main centered OC is very anxious through most of the story.

Word Count: 4.7k

Characters: Isao Kondo, Toushirou Hijikata, Sougo Okita, Mitsuba Okita, Sagaru Yamazaki, Kiana (OC), Tsukiko (OC), Kou (OC - twins’ father), Akemi (OC - twins’ mother)

Thanks for taking the time to read! :)

I might try to write a follow up to this if anyone is interested!

Started writing on Oct. 23, 2020 and finished Feb. 6, 2021. QwQ

On AO3 as well! Here!

Kinda requested by @ah-muiii​

“Kiana! Come on, let’s go!” the giggles of a black haired child sounded through the halls of the guest house. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail and she was wearing a red kimono with a white floral design. Her hand held tightly onto the one she referred to as ‘Kiana’.

“Tsuki-- Tsukiko....!” Kiana gave a soft whine, struggling to keep herself steady as she was dragged through the halls. Similar to Tsukiko, she had black hair that was cut shoulder length, bright cyan eyes, and a matching kimono in a pale blue with pink floral designs.

"We don't have a lot of time before papa comes back! I want to play while we can!" Tsukiko's giggles grew louder, grabbing one of their favorite balls and going outside. Their father was a politician, so he would often go out of town for political reasons. The twins, Tsukiko and Kiana, would often make a point to try and find a good area to play together in. They never went too far from the guest house, especially when they knew their parents would be back from a meeting.

"Oh no! I'm sorry Tsuki!! I didn't mean to throw it that far!" Kiana gave a soft whine, apologizing for sending the ball past her sister. They had been playing for a little bit by this point and the sky was starting to change colors.

"Don't worry, I can go get it! You wait here!" Tsukiko waved to her and ran off towards the ball. She slipped through the alleyway towards the ball, grabbing it, and turning back towards her sister. Her eyes got wide and panic began to settle in the pit of her stomach. Her sister was nowhere to be seen and blood was splattered on the ground where they had just been playing.

-

"Please, if you've seen our daughter... We won't ask any questions, please just bring her back to us. There's a reward and you can contact us at the number on the screen."

Akemi, the twins' mother, held Tsukiko in her arms, shaking and still in shock by the disappearance of her other daughter.

Not long after the announcement was made on TV, missing posters were put up all over. Anything and anywhere they could, they put her picture on alongside the reward and plea for her return. All of their efforts were in vain, however, as days and weeks passed with no sign. Half a year passed and before they knew it, it had been an entire year she had been missing. The couple never stopped looking, but focused most of their energy to Tsukiko and to help her deal with the loss of her sister.

-

"Sou-chan! You're going out, right?" the dark haired doctor asked, smiling at the young Shinsengumi member. He turned towards her as she spoke.

"Yeah, do you need something, Ki-chan?" Sougo Okita, captain of the first squad, smiled back at the girl. It wasn't often that she asked for favors, so he didn't mind helping her.

"If you could bring back some rice, I'd really appreciate it. I'll pay you back when I can get out tomorrow. I just need it for dinner tonight," she explained quickly.

"Don't worry about it. I'll just get Hijikata to pay me back," he snickered as she gently smacked his arm.

"Don't you dare! I'll have lunch ready for you when you get back. Be safe," she giggled and gave him a hug before a small wave as he started walking off towards his destination.

-

"Sougo!" The older man shouted cheerfully, walking up to his young student with someone hiding behind him. "I wanted to introduce you to my daughter, Kiana. She doesn't talk much, but she's very sweet." He moved so that the girl was now in front of him, his hands gently on her shoulders.

The girl looked younger than his sister, but was definitely older than he was. He wasn't good at guessing people's ages, so he just left it at that. She had her hair pulled back into a high ponytail, nervously fiddling with her fingers before giving the smallest wave to him. He blinked and grabbed hold of her hand, shocking her slightly.

"Ki-chan, have you met my big sister?" With barely a shake of her head, he was pulling her off to meet Mitsuba.

"How much does she need?" Sougo hummed to himself, looking at the grocery store on his walk. He planned on grabbing it on his way back, but he figured he should decide how much he should get before that point. He didn't want to over or under buy, but he wasn't sure how much she usually cooked for everyone. His thoughts were suddenly interrupted when one of the big screens nearby suddenly changed from what it was previously advertising.

"Hello, we apologize for this interruption but we would like to bring you a very important message this afternoon. If you have any information that can help, please contact the number at the bottom of your screen. We will now air the message from model Tsukiko Mochizuki."

Sougo shifted his weight and turned to look better at the screen, watching the broadcast with a rising curiosity. It soon changed to a video of a fairly well known model, causing his brow to raise. He had heard her name before, but only seen her in passing. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she seemed oddly familiar...

"Hello, as you may know, my name is Tsukiko Mochizuki. I am posting this message in hopes to find my lost twin sister, who was attacked and abducted when we were little girls. On the screen there will be an image of what my sister, Kiana Mochizuki, might look like today. If anyone has any information about her... please, please call the number on the screen." The broadcast continued with Tsukiko's explanation, talking about where it happened and precisely when it happened. Sougo pulled his phone out, quickly typing in the familiar phone number.

"Hey, Kondo-san? You near a T.V.? Turn it on, there's this model that looks just like Ki-chan. I'm on my way back, I can talk to her when I get there. Huh? Okay, yeah, sure."

-

The weather was currently rainy with a terrible side of rain. A man was making his way back home from the grocery store, tightly gripping the umbrella in his hand as the wind tried to blow it away. He was lucky he remembered the route by heart, because the heavy rain made it hard to see too far ahead of him. There was one thing that caught his eye, however, when he decided to look at the street in passing.

There was, what he could barely make out, a small figure lying in a puddle with blood seeping from a head wound. His eyes grew wide as he dropped everything to rush over and scoop up the child, running to the nearest doctor as fast as he could.

Hours passed as he waited to see if the girl was okay. She seemed so frail that he was afraid she wouldn't make it...

"Kondo? Isao Kondo?" The voice of the nurse brought him from his thoughts, glancing up.

"Yes?" was all he could manage, eyes big with worry.

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that you can come back to her room. She's physically going to be okay."

"Physically...?" His brow raised, worried what might come next.

"Unfortunately, we don't know how she is mentally yet. She's still unconscious."

-

"Sweetheart, can I talk with you for a moment?" the Shinsengumi leader, Isao Kondo, leaned into the office of the doctor. A smile spread on her lips as she turned in her chair, looking up at him.

"Of course! What is it you need?" She was used to seeing her father-like figure for trivial medical reasons, but still enjoyed the company now and again. It was usually very quiet when she didn't have any appointments, so a change of pace was always nice.

"Let me start by saying, you'll always be part of our family. Okay?" He sat in the chair across from her, gently taking her hands into his own. She blinked, nodding slightly in a quick reply to him, her brows raised in confusion. "There was a report that aired recently, that we may think you're connected to."

"Like on the news? Why would I-"

"Yes, on the news," he quickly cut her off in an attempt to finish, "This woman... the one who made the video, she's looking for her lost twin sister... Her name is Tsukiko Mochizuki, her sister's name is... Kiana Mochizuki and she looks... a lot like you, almost identical really. I think... it might be worth it to look into this." He finished, watching her face contort with confusion.

"You think... You think this Tsukiko person could be part of my... birth family...?" Her brows knitted together, concern rising as she squeezed his hands gently. A slight worry could be heard in her voice, but he couldn't quite pinpoint at what part she was specifically worried over.

"Now, listen... Sweetie, calm down. No matter what happens with them, you have family right here. I just... I think we should definitely talk to them. I mean, even when you couldn't speak--"

-

The small girl clung tightly to Kondo's hand as the doctors tried speaking with her, seeming to already trust the male.

"Now, sweetie, do you remember your name?" The doctor questioned, sitting in front of her. She shook her head silently in reply. His brow raised. He asked a few more questions, trying to fully understand her situation. When he finally asked if she could speak, her tiny mouth opened but no words came out.

"Can you remember if you were able to speak before this-" Soft sobs could be heard before he finished his question, clinging to Kondo and crying. He sighed as the other male held her close to him.

"We'll try to work with her over time... We can find a foster family for her to stay with during that period."

"That's... No need. I'll take care of her," Kondo quickly blurted out, patting her head very gently.

"Traumatic mutism, most likely caused by the injury of what happened-"

"Let me finish, sweetie... I normally don't mind you explaining everything, but let's finish this conversation, okay?" He hated cutting her off so much, but he needed to get it fully out with as little distractions as possible. "When you weren't able to tell me anything, you still managed to find a way to tell me your name... the name you wanted to be called... Possibly the only thing you managed to remember after your accident."

"I remember..."

-

"Well, hello there princess. You enjoying your book?" His grin was contagious as her own lips pulled into a wide grin. She pulled on his sleeve, signalling that she wanted to sit with him while she read.

"I can't right now, I'm-"

Tug. Tug. Tug. He sighed and sat with her, glancing over what she was reading. To his surprise, she was pointing out a specific name in the book. It was one of the larger books she often read, but he couldn't understand what she was trying to say with this name.

"Kiana... That's a pretty name. What about it?" His brow raised and she gave a small pout. She insistently pointed at the name again, then quickly pointing at herself. He blinked quietly as she did this a few more times, before it finally clicked.

"Is that your name?" A wide smile broke out as he picked her up. She nodded and hugged him.

-

"We can call the number, have some tests done, and they'll call us after they get the results. Okay? We'll have some time before we have to see them so you can prepare yourself... Does that sound alright?" He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, smiling softly at her.

"I... I guess... I hope we're not wasting anyone's time..." She shifted in her seat, staring at the floor. He pulled her into a tight hug, not expecting how tightly she would hug back. His hand gingerly patted her back, trying to calm her down when she began shaking.

-

"Mitsu-chan, you should really be relaxing," Kiana gently scolded the older female, handing her a glass of water.

"But Ki-chan-"

"No buts! Sou-chan was really worried when you started coughing. Just... Give it a couple of days and you should feel a bit better."

Mistuba sighed and took the water, drinking it slowly. Kiana sat next to her bed quietly, looking her over to fully make sure she was alright.

"You're going to make a great doctor one day, Ki-chan. If you become famous, just don't forget about us." She couldn't help but giggle as the other's face went bright red.

"I'm... Not gonna be famous... Sure, I'll be gone long enough to get my doctorate... But my home is here... With daddy... With you... And with Sou-chan."

-

It was a few days after their initial call that they were brought to the Mochizuki's personal doctor. Sougo and Kondo were with her during the visit, only leaving behind Hijikata to make sure the men stayed in line. Kondo held her hand during the entire time they were there, reassuring her that everything was alright. Being a doctor, she was fairly used to the needed medical procedures, but her anxiety was still fairly high over the whole ordeal. The trio left after she gave multiple DNA samples and were told that they should have the answers within the week.

"Kiki-chan... You doin' okay?" Hijikata asked upon their arrival back to the Shinsengumi, looking down at the smaller figure. She merely gave a small nod and the quickest flash of a smile, forcing his brows to knit together.

"Oi," he grumbled and grabbed her, pulling her into a hug despite the risk some of the men would see, "stop being so pessimistic... We're here for you. We're all here for you. No matter what happens, we'll always be here. Okay? You're part of our family, no matter what the tests say."

"Thanks, Hijikata-san," she replied in earnest, hugging him back with a soft smile. The four walked inside together, Kondo suggesting they watch a movie to ease their nerves.

-

"Hijikata-san?" Kiana's voice trembled softly as she addressed the new face that had been appearing around the dojo lately. Hijikata's brow raised at the sudden voice, turning to look up at her.

"Ah, you must be his daughter. Sorry, I'll leave." He began to stand, thinking he was troubling her and her family.

"Please wait...! I thought you might be hungry, so I made you something to eat..." She held out a bowl of food, causing him to blink in confusion. He took it from her slowly.

"Thank you... But how did you know how I like my food...?" He frowned at her soft giggle, concerned she was going to make fun of him...

"I saw the mayonnaise bottles in the trash. I started to notice there always seemed to be a certain number after meal times, so I figured you were putting it on your food. I hope I did it right."

"Yeah... Thanks."

-

"Hijikata, there's a call waiting for Ki-chan. Can you go get her?" Sougo was currently holding the phone, covering the receiver so that the line would be mute or muffled at the least.

"Who's calling?" His brow arched, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"Well..." The younger one's face said all he needed to know.

"Ahh, I'll be back then."

It was a short walk to the doctor's office, giving a quick knock to see if she was currently busy or not. The sound of papers shuffling could be heard before the door opened, pulling her hair back behind her ears before smiling up at the vice chief.

"Hijikata-san! To what do I owe the visit? Do you need a check up-"

"You have a call waiting for you."

"A call...?" She blinked, not immediately making the connection like he had. Before he could explain, a soft frown formed on her lips, "...oh..."

"It'll be alright... They can't force you to do anything you don't want to. Best case scenario is that you know your birth family and can reconnect with them; worst case scenario this was all a waste of time. You're still the doctor of the Shinsengumi either way. Nothing will change that. Now, c'mon, we can't keep them waiting forever." He gently put his hand on her back, leading her to where the phone was.

-

Almost everyone was waiting around the corner, wanting to hear the news on what would happen to their doctor... Many in the Shinsengumi were around long enough to remember when Kondo first found her... Thinking of her like a little sister figure. Others came to know her after she got finished with school and became their doctor. One thing was certain, though, they all cared about her and knew that this whole situation was stressing her out a great deal.

Upon seeing the group of men hovering nearby, Hijikata growled at them to get back to work. While he was nervous for her as well, he knew that needlessly suffocating her with attention wasn't going to help any... He caught a quick glimpse of her just as she hung up the phone, deciding it was now an okay time to go check on her.

"So... What did they say?" he asked lowly, trying not to spook her. She slowly turned her gaze up to him, eyes still big in shock.

"It's... a match... They want to meet me... and they've already set up a day... I can't... Not so suddenly... I have appointments... And... And... I..." He quickly put his jacket around her, pulling her close and taking her to another room. He wanted her somewhere dim and quiet, hoping to help ease her down before a panic attack occurred.

"Kondo and I will figure everything out, okay? Just calm down for now and we'll work it out soon enough."

-

"Excuse me," an unfamiliar man spoke as he walked into the Shinsengumi, "I'm looking for Dr. Kondo? I'm her driver."

"I'll go get her," Yamazaki blinked and left the area to find her. They all knew this was coming, so he first looked around for the chief or vice chief. It didn't take too long to find them, seeing the two of them with Kiana.

"Is that a new kimono? It looks nice." He gave a small smile, hoping it would help ease the tension he felt upon entering the room. "Uh, a driver is here looking for Kiki-san."

"Thank you, Yamazaki-san... You can let him know we'll be out in a minute." He nodded and left the three to let him know.

"Come on, sweetheart. It'll be fine. Both Toshi and I will be here with you," Kondo reassured, pulling her gently to stand. The three made their way out the building, blinking at the limousine parked in front.

-

The ride to the Mochizuki residence was fairly quiet and unexpectedly long. Kou, the father, was a political figure and had been since before his daughters were born. His wife, Akemi, became a fashion designer; initially only doing it in her spare time but it began to really take off in the past decade. Her clothes were particularly popular among Amanto, so were often shipped to other planets as well. Tsukiko, the older of the twins, became a model for her mother's clothing line. Aside from her modeling career, she typically spends most of her life fairly privately and out of the public's eye.

Due to their wealth, they currently resided in a small mansion that was a bit closer to the big city over. This was most likely due to where his work in politics took him.

The trees passed by the car in a long blur of brown and green, slight variations appearing every few seconds. It was all Kiana could do to keep herself mentally well. She had gone over so many questions and possible answers in her head that by this point all she was left with was an empty worried feeling. The first thoughts that had come to her when she realized she was indeed related were fairly angry and illogical ones. They consisted of: "how could you abandon me?", "why didn't you try harder to look for me?", "why wait until now?! What's it matter so many years later?" She knew logically that between grief and other issues it would've been difficult to locate her, especially so with her memory being gone.

Before long, the mansion in question began to come into view. It was much larger than she had expected, seeing a fountain out front in the middle of the round about driveway. What looked like a pool could barely be made out on the side and towards the back.

"Tch," Hijikata gave a soft scoff, glaring at all the... Lovely additions that the place had. "Typical rich bastards, always needing to show off their wealth."

He earned a jab in the side from Kondo, grunting before realizing why the other had done it. "No offense to you, Kiki-chan..."

"We may be related, but we're practically strangers... They're going to be so excited to see me... But I... I don't know how to feel."

"I'm sure they'll understand, sweetheart. I think they'll be very emotional upon seeing you, but remember it's been years for them... After the initial shock, I'm almost positive they'll try to work on your terms for rebuilding a relationship." Kondo gently held her hand as the limousine came to a stop right out front.

"He's right. They've spent this long looking for you, I don't think they'd wanna risk losing you again due to clinginess."

"You're probably right... Thank you. Both of you." She smiled softly, exiting the car after the driver opened the door for them.

The trio were greeted by a man, ushering them to follow him to the dining room. She couldn't help but look around curiously, taking in all the new sights. It was surprisingly homey compared to how it all seemed from the outside. There were framed pictures of the family or articles of achievements. The furniture looked like it was well used and not simply for decoration, and if the cat lazing about on the sofa said anything- it was that they were fairly relaxed about the use of them for animals and people alike.

Kiana was suddenly pulled from her thoughts as Kondo grabbed her hand and pulled her to a multi-leveled shelf full of smaller pictures. "Honey, that's you," he spoke softly and pointed out a picture of two black haired girls sitting together. "That's the exact kimono you were wearing when I found you."

Her eyes grew wide, picking up the picture to get a closer look at the girls. She knew that was her, but everything else just felt... So strange and unfamiliar.

"Ah, that picture was taken the day you went missing, Miss. That's you and your older sister, Tsukiko."

"Tsu... ki... ko..." She blinked rapidly, a sudden warm and wet feeling gracing her cheek. She pressed her finger to her cheek, surprising herself to find she had teared up a bit.

"Kiki!"

"Sweetie, are you alright?!" Kondo pulled a tissue out to gently wipe her face, concern heavily on both his and Hijikata's faces. 'I'm fine,' she sort of mumbled, quickly putting the picture frame back with the others where she found it.

"I'm not sure why I did that," she admitted, gently grabbing Kondo's arm and turning back towards where they had originally been headed. They arrived in what they could assume was a waiting area, a couple of chairs and couches set about for idle chatter. A brown haired man with icy-blue eyes stood up, wearing a black and white three piece suit. The lines on his face became much more prominent as he smiled, glancing at each of them from behind his glasses.

"Welcome, my name is Kou, and this is my lovely wife, Akemi." He gestured to the woman who had been sitting next to him. Her dark raven hair was pulled up in an elegant bun and they could feel the warmth and love from her dark blue-green eyes. She smiled and stood up as well.

"Tsukiko will be along shortly. She's been the most anxious out of us to meet you... Would you mind if I hugged you?" Akemi spoke, soon taking a step closer to Kiana. It was a weird new sensation for her, but not a bad one.

"Okay," she replied very quietly, feeling out of place with having so much attention on her. The older woman gently wrapped her arms around her, fully knowing she might not be hugged back but enjoying the brief closeness to her daughter. Kou soon followed suit for a brief hug before the two began speaking with Kondo and Hijikata. They wanted to know more about her life, but wanted to avoid stressing her out more than the current situation already was.

As they chatted, Kiana wandered into the dining room for a bit of quiet. It was large and could very well fit a table for twenty or more, but there was a much smaller table placed in the middle of the room. It looked like they specifically brought out a large enough table to situate the six of them for the meal.

"Mom and dad always like having meals together if we can. So, small tables for conversations and closeness." The sudden voice startled her slightly, turning to see what she assumed was Tsukiko. Tsukiko's black hair was pulled up in a ponytail, bangs framing the sides of her face. If it weren't for the slight differences, such as hair and minor details of the face, she would've assumed that there was a mirror and not another living person in front of her.

"I have to say, it's not fair," she muttered before giving her a chance to reply, standing right next to her, "I'm the older one, and a model, and yet you..." She made a gesture of curves with her hands, snickering to herself softly.

"Tsukiko," the doctor's voice rang out softly, almost strained and full of sadness as her eyes teared up. The overwhelming feeling of sorrow overcoming her, chest suddenly feeling tight. "Tsukiko!" and with that, Kiana latched onto her older sister, starting to sob quietly. Her body shook slightly, a sudden feeling of love and longing for her twin filling her. It was all she could remember, but it was such a strong emotion that it was almost unbearable.

Tsukiko blinked, but smiled softly and gently pulled her to sit on one of the couches. While she hated to see her cry, it made her happy to know that somewhere deep down inside of her still remembered her family. This was enough for her for now. She finally had her sister back and they could work on everything else with time. Her hand gently pet the other's hair, holding her close.

-

"Was that Kiki?!" Hijikata blurted out after hearing her shout and then began to cry. Kondo grabbed his shoulder to stop him from bursting in on the sibling reunion.

"Tsukiko-san seems to have things handled. I think it just took being with her sister again to remember anything." He explained his thoughts, smiling at the two currently curled up on the couch.

"I haven't seen Tsukiko smile this much in years," Kou admitted, arm around his wife's shoulders.

"It's such a lovely sight. Why don't the four of us go elsewhere for the time being? I want them to have some time alone together."

Hijikata muttered softly but gave a small nod, following them away from the dining room. Kondo lingered for a bit, smiling at the two of them together. He would always be her family, but he couldn't help but feel happy for her to have finally recovered some of her memories. What a crazy little world they lived in.

[goblinconceivable]

oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing.  (I can’t be the only one who does that...)  Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again.  And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there.  Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it.  Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first.  I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show.  Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.)  Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy.  Like, WTF was that about?  I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching.  First couple seasons: brilliant.  Downhill from there.  But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together.  One hot second and bam.***  Every.  Time.  Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least.  But these two, nope.  And know what?  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH.  I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one.  And Izzie got the short stick.  Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen.  There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.  

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.)  Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to.  She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle.  It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off.  In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character.  When did KH ask to be let out?  If it was after this point, Shonda svcks.  I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth.  Because he’s not really in a real relationship.  I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful.  Which is most of the time, so they gave me that.  I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.”  Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts.  Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie.  I love that he loves her the whole time.  But he’s willing to step back.  He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean.  But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows.  Izzie doesn’t make him.  She entices him.  Yeah, often directs him, especially at first.  But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily.  And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards.  He reaches out to her a lot.  And she turns him aside a lot.  And he keeps loving.  Even if romance is off the table.  He runs after her a lot.  Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot.  Is understanding a lot.  He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook.  Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct.  I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water.  (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker.  Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me.  Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny.  They’re all standing around.  No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her.  In a really caring way.  And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh?  (Mebbe?)  And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly.  And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie.  I don’t think he even wants to stop.  Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine.  But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged.  But also born.  Stars uncrossed.  I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was.  Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because...  it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be.  She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside.  She knows.  She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually.  Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her.  Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him.  And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.  

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her.  I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it.  She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him.  The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync.  And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s.  And those two things weave into each other.  Kinda like rats and the food button.  When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.”  So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again.  And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter.  And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care.  She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in.  But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair.  There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her.  She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues.  But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny.  Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her.   The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope.  Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA.  Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives.  And I do think female character’s side guys have a  habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life. 

 At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman:  yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying.  Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love.  BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted.  1) That he desperately wants a family.  2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy.  Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first.  And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change.  But we didn’t.  So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that.  Something taken slowly!  We got to explore it.  Did feel a bit drawn out tbh.  But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess.  Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others.  This was their development for the season.  Which was mostly Alex.  But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well.  Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment?  Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more.  Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands.  And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that.  It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.”  She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient.  She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly.  And she’s still in charge.  She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay.  It’s going to be okay.  You don’t have to carry this on your own.  We have it now.  Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden.  And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring.  She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve.  Stages of grief ya’ll.  He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca.  He’s in denial that anything is wrong.  He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.)  He dives into bargaining.  She’ll be okay if he can take care of her.  He can do it.  He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression.  Not just Rebecca, but about his mom.  And Izzie approaches him differently.  In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend.  An equal.  Which is what he needs right now.  His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid.  Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed.  But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically.  Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information.  Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand.  And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex.  I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything.  And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way.  Bargaining again, I suppose.  “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.”  But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died.  Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person.  And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca.  And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment.  Of understanding.  She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else.  Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that.  How to process that in a way that feels manly to him?  Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing.  And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him.  He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories.  But also... stages of grief.  He needs to feel it, so he can accept it.  He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love.  Take out the romantic/sexual aspect.  Take out the friendship.  The trust.  The family.  Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love.  And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care.  Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho.  It’s such a wonderful foil.  Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see.  He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.”  (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself.  He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable.  He let Izzie get too close.  He’s afraid.  It’s all a tangle.  And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards.  So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5.  And actually they start out close.  They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her.  He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial.  And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.”  And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either).  Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact.  They don’t talk about it, it’s fine.  Pretending it did not happen.  But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped.  It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same.  Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer.  Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind.  That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others.  Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim.  It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it.  And he does feel super close to her.  But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light.  For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation.  I’m a bit stuck and going in circles.  If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously?  Doesn’t understand him?  I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak?  Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t.  But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person.  Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff.  But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman.  Were those scenes meant to be inverted?  Or is he going into this eyes wide open?  Trying to prove something?  He’s hurting her though, is it intentional?  Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up.  But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape.  Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self?  They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off.  Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him.  She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly.  And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him.  Though her barb about STD did hit him.   Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could?  He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight.  It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did.  They are incredibly close.  And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening.  He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda.  Follows her out into the hall when she leaves.  The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right.  And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too.  “Okay, ... I”m trying to be-  I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is???  Trying to not be emotionally stunted.  Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation.  Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand.  Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her.  And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her.  And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts.  ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.”  And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.”   Dad calls for son while kinda dying.  I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot?  And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares.  With a hefty does of potential regret.  It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested.  His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.”  He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.”  Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough.  But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more.  And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time.  And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome.  *sobs*  And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window?  And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No.  Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there?  They always say yes.  Eventually.  And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things.  It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life.  In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building.  He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting.  And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing.  I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything.  But he’s also not lying.  He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle.  He’d stay with Jo then out of...  ?  Halp.  The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable.  Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life.  It’s all happiness of them individually, not together.  But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse?  No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.  

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs.  Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo.  Also exposition.  References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie.  It scared him because...  ?  He focuses on the kids.  It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her.  Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight.  Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins.  It’s a free pass to perfection.  But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever.  I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie.  But that’s kinda tenuous.  It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for.  Izzie would for Denny.  In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings.  So in a way she gave up her life for Alex.  And never reached out to him but did respond when he did.  She picked up the phone.  Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones.  And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids.  I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle.  And he’s become a man who does the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish.  He one perfect thing is in Kansas.  And it’s the family.  It’s a family with Izzie.  And his kids.  It’s the whole package.  If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough?  Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.”  But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.  

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is.  He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction.  He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive.  Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things.  She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.)  Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary.  And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her.  He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth.  Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them.  He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot.  Maybe it’s a Miranda thing?  After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her.  He doesn’t need her like that.  And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate.  But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to...  come back for him.  To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back.  I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.  

Interesting point “we married...”  It’s a promise.  He starts with “I’m sorry.”  His breakup speech to her - rehearsed?  He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie.  So his dying speech was also fear based?  He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock.  To when is his mind taking him?  It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup.  It’s been months but that’s still recent enough.  So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.”  They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t.  That hasn’t changed.  

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her.  A happy, rich and full life.  He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it.  Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo.  Maybe it’s contentment?  Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows?  Meh.  Back to frozen.  He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life.  It’s immersive but static, a snapshot.  And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.  

Letter to Meredith.  “It’s about me.”  Which is sorta back to breakup speech.  It was about him, ending the relationship.  He didn’t deserve to be left.  And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids.  There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love.  So I’m torn.  Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love.  Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not?  Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married?  Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right?  Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.