#cw final fusion

[m4ngey]

💛CW mentions of final fusion in systems (as a concept). System rambling.

Despite technically being a system account we rarely ever post about being a system. Part of that I think is because of shame we’ve been fighting through the years and the other part I think is that sense that nobody would really care, despite wanting to educate and such. I’d like us to be more out. We stream openly as a system with our loved ones who all treat us as individuals and try to create a safe space also for others who feel outcasted in some sense. (Neurodiverse, other systems, etc). We encourage people to be their authentic selves to the best of our ability all while sitting here being out but being afraid of drawing attention to it. We want to be people and be seen as individuals but sometimes it feels like the only way to do that and be taken seriously is to be very open about it, make constant content specifically about it, etc. I would love to talk about our day to day interacting with each other in system or our loved ones. I love when other systems have told us they feel safe to be themselves around us/because we are out and fairly open. I don’t think I’m personally afraid of fake claims as much as I’m afraid of feeling like a jester jingling around miserably for the “entertainment” of others and not being able to effectively do what I want, which is normalize systems who want to be treated as individuals getting actually taken seriously and treated like the individuals we are. We aren’t characters. We aren’t “one person who just changes their hat sometimes”, we are our own people. I have a love/hate with the way I see DID and other dissociative disorders received online and I loathe the way others have used it as a scapegoat to be horrible to people we care about over the years. I don’t want to dwell on the negative parts of our diagnosis as it’s not great to be reduced down to a “symptom” instead of a full person the same as the others. Also hate the “you don’t have DID bc you aren’t miserable enough” or on the opposite side of the coin, “wow being a system must be terrible why don’t you try to integrate/achieve “final fusion” Etc etc etc. so on and so forth.

I feel like we shouldn’t need a “good enough reason” to want to “stay plural”. I respect those that want to achieve final fusion through therapy, but it freaks us out. We have friends, partners, lives of our own in some sense and that for me is more than enough reason to find ways to cope and survive as a system.

[tommyssupercoolblog]

POLL TIME!!! BECAUSE IM CURIOUS!!! (poll is under da cut :3)

CW for death, the afterlife, and fusion mention.

[strangepathshikingclub]

Cw final fusion (as far as I can tell)

When we “fused” last spring, it was more the start of a process. Every now and then, I’d split someone off and we’d just hang out for a few hours until they left. Sometimes it would be someone new, sometimes it would be someone familiar— Glitch often returned. Sara came in once, and it took all of my willpower not to drop all of my schoolwork and cuddle with her. Starting around December, though, I think the process completed.

It’s been quiet. I feel like I’m the source of all of my thoughts, and this is an experience that is profoundly alien to me. It’s… comforting, in some ways? I no longer have to work to discern which of my thoughts are mine and which aren’t. It’s kind of lonely. I don’t feel lonely as a baseline, mind you, but sometimes I find myself scrolling through our personal Discord server and looking at the messages, wishing everyone stuck around. I loved them, I really did. I still do. I know a lot of systems that manage final fusion feel this intense sense of wholeness, but it’s less so for me. Partially because I didn’t have long to get to know any of my teammates in the first place. Partially because— and this has been confirmed through our own fusion— none of my missing memories were held by any person. They’re just gone. (My personal theory is that it’s something to do with our ADHD. Can’t exactly manage to hold on to several sets of memories when keeping even one together is almost impossible, after all.)

It’s also a weird mix of validating and invalidating. Our fusion matches no typical medical model. Usually it takes years. Usually it takes therapy. As for us? I met everyone and combined with them within the course of about 5 months, if you skip the in-between phase during last year. I only had about a week to say goodbye to everyone.

At the same time, I can feel how different my mind feels. There are only a handful of times I’ve felt like this in my life, most of them before the trauma happened. This proves that we were a system long before we were aware of it. For example, until now I’ve never had a breakdown where it didn’t feel as though my train of thought had become a noisy argument. All of the sudden, I am responsible both for creating and dismissing all of my stress-induced thoughts.

I still don’t always recognize myself in the mirror. But now it’s more of a gender thing. When introducing myself, I’m not seized by the seemingly irrational fear that I’ll give the wrong name. I am myself, and now only myself, and I will have to live with that.

[plural-culture-is]

what am i supposed to do if i don't really wanna be a system

my system's boring, for lack of a better word. no inner world and no hopes of ever having one; when someone's in front they're never a distinct person from whoever else is in front and when someone's not in front they basically don't exist and both scenarios are just fucking lonely; because of the aforementioned nobody actually likes each other, at most they just like the basic idea of each other; we barely switch, which means interacting with each other is even more annoying because external communication literally just isn't an option; also because of the aforementioned fusion is just not possible, let alone final fusion; no littles or exomemories or anything like that that don't sound exactly fun but are at least interesting; i could go on, just the most stale nothing-burger system one could imagine.

but i can't even just be similar to a singlet oh no no no, i have to be JUST plural enough so that it impacts my life too much for me to ignore it. not in any of the ways that plurality could ever be enjoyable or improve someone's life, just a bunch of identity confusion and derealisation. being a system never helps me with my mental health, especially since none of us have roles or anything. all our trauma and mental illness and adult responsibilities are just dumped on whoever's in front this month, and if i need a protector or caretaker then too bad so sad i have to make myself feel better on my own.

i'd probably be fine with all of that if it weren't for the fact everyone else has interesting systems where shit actually happens. saying "oh well all systems are different" doesn't really help because my concern isn't that i'm weird it's that i'm missing out. even if i was a singlet i'd still be able to make my own system if i really wanted to, but i already have a system and it already has clear-cut functions that i can't bullshit my way out of. i just got the worst possible outcome. it's absolutely miserable, what am i supposed to get out of this.

i just want something to make it better. a way to get rid of my system or advice on how to go forward or whatever i'm just sick of this stupid fucking system. none of us like it and none of us ever will.

Final fusion generally isn't something a system can achieve on their own, it's something that takes work with a therapist to guide you. If this is something you want, finding a therapist who will help you with that is your best option. Alternatively, there may be therapists who can help you with communication and making your system function the way you want if that's something you're struggling to do on your own, but there are also guides on those kinds of things if you don't have access to a therapist (like these guides on how to build a headspace, this guide on communication, and these switching guides)

[ellecdc]

The Drink Snob (part 3)

mafia au!Remus Lupin x fem!reader - 3.1k

p1 // p2 // p3 // p4

CW: attempted drink tampering, attempted human trafficking, a lot of swearing because it's Remus and reader (obviously)

Synopsis: You take Elle's advice, Remus returns the favour.

You waited at the end of the counter for your mocha to be called through the café. You were feeling pretty good about yourself; you had an interview lined up at a nice restaurant at the end of this week, you’d guest lectured for Minerva and got great feedback from both her and the students, and you’d found time to facetime Elle twice more.

The café was fairly busy with a fair number of students trying to get their caffeine fix between classes. The barista apologized to you for the wait, but you waved him off; “I’m not in any rush right now, take your time.” You had said to him.

“That was quite polite of you.” A voice to your right commented. 

You turned and raised your eyebrow at the dark-haired man. His hair was an array of curls pulled back into a low bun, and he kept his onyx gaze fixed on you. 

“And that surprises you?”

He smirked at you. “From a yank? I’d have to say a little.”

“Right,” You scoffed, “I’m not American.”

He looked at you strangely at that. “You sound like an American.”

“Maybe I’m just practicing for a part.” You shot back.

He hummed in response. “A budding actress, hm?”

Before you could respond, your name was called at the counter.

“Peppermint mocha for Y/N!”

You picked up your cup and turned back to the man. “As nice as this was, I have to take my leave.”

“Come to dinner with me.” He interjected quickly. You stared at him incredulously.

“I’m sorry?”

“Come on, I want to hear more about this budding acting career of yours.” He said as he winked. 

Your immediate thought was hell no. But then you thought of The Man ™ from the pub last week, and how surprising and nice it was to finally connect with someone. Wasn’t this exactly what Elle was saying you should be doing? It went against every part of your better judgement, but this opportunity had been placed in front of you twice, were you really in any position to ignore it?

“What’s your name?” You asked. You were met with a victorious smile.

“Tan.”

You considered him for a moment.

“Fine, one dinner.”

He clapped his hands together. “Wonderful, how about tonight? There’s a Spanish fusion restaurant that just opened downtown that I’ve been dying to try. I could pick you up. Say 7?” 

You looked the man up and down; you may be stepping out of your comfort zone agreeing to a date with a stranger you met at a coffee shop, but you weren’t suicidal. 

“I’ll meet you there.” You offered. Tan seemed to deflate a little, but the emotion passed quickly over his face.

He gave you the address and then actually kissed you on the hand before you turned and exited the café. 

Were all Brit’s this bold? Was this just an English thing? You walked back to the faculty building hoping this was a meet cute opportunity you could tell Elle about. 

“It’s kinda smart, really.” James commented, taking another drink from his water. 

“What is?” Remus asked, not looking up from the salad he was pushing around on the plate in front of him.

“Scouting near the universities.” 

Remus looked up at his mate then, his black hair as wild as ever as he pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. His knee was bouncing under the table, and Remus knew he was just trying to make conversation while they waited for Lestrange to make his appearance, but James could be so thick sometimes.

“Yes, James. It’s almost as if the traffickers have a method that they follow to find young women they can pick up.” Remus muttered quietly, finally shifting his gaze up to the door. 

“Sorry.” James muttered as he ran his hand through his hair again. “I just hate waiting.”

Remus chuckled. “I can tell.” 

James made it through at least a minute and a half of silence before Remus finally took pity on him. “Harry’s so close to walking now, eh?” 

James’ face lit up as he began a long tangent of his son’s different methods of movement which ranged from scooting, crawling, shifting, and rolling. “And Moony, yesterday he stood at the coffee table and walked around it all by himself! He was holding the coffee table, but still!” 

Remus smiled at his friend’s happiness just as he noticed their target entering the building. 

“He’s here.” Remus muttered into his collar which hid his speak piece.

“Greasy bastard, how do they manage to look creepier and creepier every time I see them?” Sirius muttered darkly into Remus and James’ earpiece from his car parked out front. 

Sirius hated not being able to join on some stakeouts on account of his family. For example, Rabastan Lestrange is technically related to Sirius through marriage as he is the brother-in-law of Sirius’ first cousin Bellatrix. Sirius and Bellatrix, both Black’s by birthright, and the Lestrange’s have historically held ties to the mob boss Tom Riddle who had his followers call him Lord Voldemort. Pretentious fucks at best, but at worst they were prejuidiced, racist, bigots who were involved in human trafficking, which meant it was very important that they get caught and stopped, not the other way around. Which meant Sirius had to play back-up. 

Remus was fine with that. James could be a little annoying on account of his ADHD, but he’d take that over Sirius’ inner rage any day. 

Remus got it, he really did; Sirius had been surrounded by this his whole life – born and raised to carry on the Black line of arseholes, and he’s seen things many people haven’t. His family was awful and what these women and children went through at their hands was horrible, but being hot-headed in the field didn’t save them.

Remus figured Sirius would probably make a good police officer if they weren’t so corrupt, though he would struggle playing by the rules.

Maybe in another life. 

“He’s got a seat in the far left. It’s secluded and near an emergency exit. Reg, are you able to get eyes back there without being caught?” James asked into his own speak piece. 

“On it.” Was Reg’s response. 

Remus watched the door as James watched Rabastan. People came and went but James never mentioned a change in our target, so Remus disregarded them.

Suddenly, Remus’ breath caught in his throat. No. Not her. 

“We should try the croquettes.” James said - their code.

No.

“No.”

James looked up at Remus. “What?”

“It’s...” Remus started, but he didn’t know how to finish. James kept his eyes on Rabastan as you walked past Remus’ line of sight.

“Wait, is that-” James started but they were interrupted by Regulus.

“I’ve got eyes on the emergency exit.” 

“Copy.” James muttered and looked back to Remus. “What is it?”

“What’s going on?” Sirius interjected in their earpieces. 

“Is that the girl?” James whispered to him, causing Remus to scrunch his eyes shut.

“Wait, what?” Reg called.

James sighed. “Remus’ girl from The Drunken Sailor, it’s her.”

“Wait.” Sirius yelled causing both men to wince. “The girl Rabastan is meeting, it’s Remus’ girl?”

“She’s not my girl.”

Sirius called out the wrong name. “Right?”  Sirius carried on over top of Remus. 

“Y/N.” Remus corrected.

“Oh my God,” James said wide eyed at him. “You’ve got it bad.”

“I do not.” Remus started before changing gears, “fuck off, Prongs. Now is not the time. We’ve got to get her out of here.” 

“Easy, Remus.” Regulus encouraged him quietly.

“Tell us how you want to go about this.” James added.

Both Black brothers shouted a what over the earpieces. 

“The plan stays the same, Prongs. Same as it always is – get her out.” Sirius barked.

“No, Padfoot. This has taken on a new element. If Remus isn’t careful, he could be accused of nefarious actions himself. She’s scheduled for an interview at the restaurant in a few days.” James chided. “It’s your call.” He said to Remus.

She wasn’t supposed to get caught up in this. 

She was supposed to go back to school and stay away from dingy bars – and dingy men. She was so clever; how could she have gotten swept up with Rabastan?

No.

Don’t be an arse, Remus.

These men were smart. They knew how to come off completely charming, and targeted women, well, women exactly like her.

She was a student, she was foreign, and she was probably alone when he approached her. She was their perfect target.

Remus just hoped she had kept her wits about her; she had noticed so quickly that his drink had been tampered with, hopefully she’d be just as alert tonight. Remus knew from the staff at the café that she had declined his invitation to pick her up, hopefully she didn’t give him her number, either. 

“Do you want me to swap, Remus?” Regulus queried over our earpiece. 

Did Remus want him to swap? 

What did Remus want?

Remus kind of wanted to be the one to be sitting over there with you.

He turned to look at your table to see you place your jacket on the hook of the booth beside you. As your head was turned, Rabastan’s hand hovered over your glass of water which began to fizz.  

“Moons?” James asked quietly again. 

But before Remus could respond, you looked back up and your gaze found him. Your eyes and nose scrunched a little as you considered him as if you couldn’t believe what you were seeing. You finally shook your head slightly and offered Remus a small smile before turning back to Rabastan. 

Well, you knew Remus was here now. 

So much for keeping her out of this. 

“Now.” Remus said as he stood from his place at the table. 

The world had to be fucking with you at this point, right? You weren’t actually seeing The Man™? He must just be a figment of your imagination?

Apparently, he was not just a figment of your imagination because he was suddenly standing at the end of your table as if he was about to take your order.

“We really must stop meeting each other like this.” He said with a smirk.

You chuckled nervously as you stared at his beautiful face. “Uhm, yeah. Haha. What are the odds?”

“Uhm, do you mind?” Tan said as he considered The Man ™ and you with furrowed brows.

“I do, actually.” He said severely, before a second man with a mop of curly black hair sidled up behind him looking far more pleased than his counterpart.

“Rabastan, my man, it’s been too long.” He said entirely too loudly. You felt your cheeks heat up as you offered the people around you a nervous smile. 

Tan seemed to pale at the sight of the newcomer. Suddenly, his glass of water was turned over in front of him as he scrambled to stand. Before Tan could get anywhere, the curly headed man embraced him in an aggressive looking hug that involved an arm around his neck.

“You bastard, I can’t believe we let it go this long without catching up. Why don’t we have a little family reunion, hm? I know some cousins of yours who are just dying to see how you are.” He announced to the entire restaurant as he man-handled Tan to the emergency exit behind your booth.

You watched with your mouth hanging open as the door closed behind them and the restaurant returned to its appropriate volume. 

You turned your head towards The Man ™ as he slid into the booth Tan had just been dragged out of for all intents and purposes.

“What?” was all you could manage to mutter. 

“Don’t drink your water” was his response.

You looked down to see the table – now pooled with Tan’s water – and sat there in front of you was your water with a filmy layer on top. 

“What the fuck just happened?” you muttered more to yourself than anything.

“I returned the favour.” The Man™ replied with a shrug as he mopped up the water on the table that was starting to spill onto the bench of the booth you were seated on.

“What? Were you following me around waiting for some guy to drug me?” You asked incredulously.

“Relax, sweetheart. It’s not that deep.”

You scoffed in outrage. “Do not tell me to relax you fucker, I was nearly drugged, and lord knows what else.”

“I know exactly what else.” The man snarked back. “He would have brought you out to a van that his buddies would have pulled up upon his command, they would have dumped your purse and all of your belongings in the dumpster behind some business a few blocks away, flown you to Portugal and sold you to the highest bidder, and that’s ignoring everything that would have happened in between. I can assure you, darling, that there was only one fucker here and he was just dragged away by my mate there. So please for all that is holy, relax.” He pressed the end of his sentence as he dumped your glass over as well just as a server came by.

“Oh, let me clean this up for you!” The server exclaimed at the mess just as The Man apologized in faux embarrassment. “I’ll get you two new glasses. Have you had a chance to look at the menu?”

Completely stunned, you decided to field the question to the infuriating man across from you who, fucking damnit, looked just as handsome as the first time you’d seen him. 

“Just the waters for now, thank you.” He said with a smile which flashed his dimples, the bastard. 

“Are you okay?” He asked softly which was in stark contrast from his demeanor before the server came.

“I’m fine.” You muttered probably more aggressively than you should have. “Fuck, I’m going to kill her.” You growled as you leaned your elbows onto the table and shoved your face into your hands.

“Who’s that now?”

You groaned, hands still covering your face. “My friend, the bitch. This is all her fault.” 

“How so?”

“This was her idea! Going out with him, I mean.” You answered miserably as you leaned back against the booth and crossed your arms.

“Your friend knew that guy?” He asked somewhat alarmed.

You snorted a laugh. “No. She just thought I should get out more. Was so worried about me being all sad and lonely in this new city. This’ll teach her.” You muttered as you picked imaginary lint from your skirt.

The man was mirroring you; leaning against the back of his booth with his arms crossed as he seemed to consider you.

“Is that why you started handing out your CV?”

You felt your eyebrows furrow. “My what?” 

The man dramatically rolled his eyes. “Oh, my apologies. I meant your resume.”

You nodded your head in understanding before slamming your hand down on the still damp table. “How do you know I’ve been handing out resumes? Are you actually stalking me?” 

“No, even your luck doesn’t seem to be that bad. Though, being nearly drugged twice is not a good track record.”

“If I’m remembering correctly, you were the one nearly drugged last time.”

The man smiled at you and something about it felt far softer than you felt the moment called for. “You applied at my mum’s restaurant – the one on 72nd. She was going on about finally having live music in the joint; I saw your CV.”

“I didn’t apply as a musician.” You shouted somewhat panickily. You cleared your throat before correcting yourself. “I mean, I just...I was just looking for a job as a server.”

He squinted his eyes at you before responding. “Well, good luck trying to say no to my mum.”

“What are the chances of me getting drugged if I work at your mum’s restaurant?”

This surprised a bark of laugh from him. “Actually, your chances would be quite a bit lower.”

“I don’t know...” you said suspiciously. “Every time I’ve been with you, drinks have been drugged.”

He hummed as he squinted his eyes. “Hazard of the trade.”

“And what trade is that?”

“Crime.” He said simply. You chuckled, but as you looked back up at the man, you noticed he wasn’t laughing.

“Oh, you’re serious?” You commented.

The corner of his mouth seemed to quirk at your word choice, but he offered you one quick nod.

“But...you’re the kind of criminal to have your drinks drugged and to stop other people from getting drugged?”

He moved his head side-to-side as if to say sort of.

“And you’re telling me this...because?”

“Because” he said as he seemed to square himself, “you ought to know that before you accept the position.” 

The Man stood and left some bills on the table. “Are you safe to get home on your own?”

Still reeling from this whole ordeal, you nodded dumbly at him. He offered you a soft smile.

“Take it easy, Y/N.” He said as he left through the emergency exit.

It was only at his use of your name that you realized you still haven't caught his.

Remus was kicking himself. He should have just asked if you were okay and went about business as usual. He shouldn’t have sat with you, he shouldn’t have confessed about his mother’s restaurant, and he definitely shouldn’t have told you about the nature of his career. But he couldn’t let you walk into that interview without knowing what you were potentially getting yourself into.

And what would have happened if you had taken the job and then seen him there? Then you really would have suspected him of stalking.

Well, Remus has technically stalked before, but not in like a stalkery way, you know? It was like...

It was surveillance! 

Fuck, he was grasping at straws.

It just seemed like the world was hell bent on shoving you in Remus’ path. And when Remus first met you – he was insistent on keeping you away from him, from this.

But you just had to drop your resume off at his family’s restaurant.

And you just had to get picked up by a human trafficking sociopath. 

So, if you were going to insist on walking this dangerous line Remus calls life, you might as well know where the line is.

He didn’t know what he was more worried about: that you’d take his warning or that you wouldn’t. 

Continue to part four here.

[everythinginyou]

Everything In You: A Petrigrof AU

Now that the Fionna & Cake is over, I know a lot of long-time petrigrof fans are underwhelmed or outright sad about how things turned out in the finale. Regardless of how it turned out, I'd like to interest you in an 18+ fanfic I've been writing since the first episodes dropped, where after a thousand years of longing, Simon Petrikov and Betty Grof are returned to their respective human bodies again.

Simon has succeeded in his mission to retrieve Betty from the cosmic mind-prison of her fusion with GOLB. The only remains of the magic that once consumed them are the memories of what it took to get here. The long fight is over, the tears were shed, the cheers and sentimental reunion words were shared, and now it's time to get on with the rest of their lives. Here is the Happily Ever After they've been waiting for. What happens now?

CHAPTER SELECT:

[Chapter 1]

[Chapter 2]

[Chapter 3]

[Chapter 4]

[Chapter 5 (COMING SOON!)]

Tags/CW & More Info under cut:

[Read on Ao3]

Future themes to explore: founding a university, academic life, married life, archaeological research, travel, managing work/life balance, rediscovery (of the world & each other!), dealing with trauma, hurt & comfort, managing expectations & boundaries, physical & emotional intimacy, future-planning, family-planning, pregnancy, parenthood, found family, etc.

Tags/CW: age difference(?), light angst, hurt & comfort, first time (sort of), dry humping, unprotected sex, missionary position, creampie, impregnation, breeding, cowgirl position, tent sex, quiet sex, femdom

[gentil-minou]

Chapter Four of once upon a time, 很久很久以前

Wangxian AU based on the show Once Upon a Time where all of jianghu has been cursed to live miserable lives in modern times without their memories and only Wei Wuxian can save them...except he doesn't remember either.

Wangxian + A-Yuan | Ch 4 | 11K | Rated M

Specific Chapter CW: Smut scene (masturbation, body worship)

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Transmigration, of the townwide variety, Amnesia, of the nearly everyone variety, Mystery, of the shenanigans variety, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Has Self-Esteem Issues, Single Parent Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, except a-yuan runs away to find his other dad, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Minor Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, Curses, Alternate Universe - Once Upon a Time Fusion

Chapter Summary

Lan Wangji spent the last few years honing his morning routine into an efficiently precise art form. Everything had gone exactly according to plan, executed perfectly, as befitting a proper Lan. Except this past weekend was a significant deviation from all of that. This past weekend he’d lost and found his son, and found and lost Wei Ying. Suddenly, Lan Wangji’s carefully cultivated morning routine disappears into smoke and ash. -- Lan Wangji is still reeling from his disastrous encounter with the strangely familiar Wei Ying, but perhaps fate's design will offer him a second chance.

Preview under the cut

This past weekend he’d lost and found his son, and found and lost Wei Ying.

Suddenly, Lan Wangji’s carefully cultivated morning routine disappears into smoke and ash.

Monday morning, he begins his day by oversleeping and missing his natural wake-up time by twenty minutes. He, for the first time ever, groggily rolls out of bed, searching fruitlessly for his phone which he normally keeps on the dresser on the far side of the room. He finds it buried amongst the sheets in which he’d spent the night before tossing and turning as he'd checked his email and messages again and again.

He commits mistake after mistake as he hastily tries to fix his bed, ruining creases that had been strategically embedded into the sheets by years of habit. He finds himself growing increasingly agitated, breath huffing in almost a growl. At last, Lan Wangji surrenders and stumbles into the bathroom, leaving the red fleece blanket he’d bought yesterday spontaneously in a messy pile at the center of the bed.

His morning meditation is useless and he ends it after five minutes where an endless chorus of Lan Zhan! sings inside his head. He puts his sneakers on left foot first instead of right, nearly tripping over them, and even inputs the wrong code for the security system three times before finally arming it. 

He misses a turn on his run and ends up taking a different route around the lake that requires Lan Wangji to double back along the beach. He grits his teeth as his sneakers collect enough coarse sand to construct a sandpit in his backyard.

When Lan Wangji at last arrives back home, he immediately enters the kitchen and downs a glass of water in a single gulp. The glass nearly shatters when he slams it onto the counter, out of breath and feeling even more disconcerted than he did when he woke up.

Then, he stares at the spot where Wei Ying had been sitting just twenty-four hours ago. The stool he’d perched on, limbs akimbo like he’d never sat properly at any point in his life. The countertop Wei Ying had leaned on, inching further into Lan Wangji’s space, brown eyes teasing.

He remembers the way Wei Ying had chewed on his bottom lip when he was thinking, how entranced Lan Wangji had been by the freckle under that lip. How every time Wei Ying would gnaw on its dry skin, Lan Wangji had found himself torn between offering him chapstick or biting those lips himself.

How he wouldn’t have even needed that excuse, how close they’d come to him being able to act on his every desire with Wei Ying’s enthusiastic consent…

Read more on Ao3

[sapphire-heart-tippy]

Sugar Crash Void Bash: The Fanfic!

Back to the beginning

CWs: Peril, unnatural body contortion, blood, violence, sharp weapons

Chapter ???: Piece of Cake

(there are two (2) endings)

Previously on Sugar Crash Void Bash:

Emmanuel strains and shudders from both the pain of being shot with an energy beam, and from being shocked by the cage’s bars. He finally has Jonathan fully enveloped in Slick’s shadow form. Now all there is left to do is pull him out.

Ramón wails as he slams the golden halberd down into the jewel repeatedly. Gilded Cobra slithers over to the fusion, unhinging his jaw and going in to take a finishing bite. Ramón looks over once again and shrieks,

“NOOOO!!!”

This time sobbing in terror. There is not much time left before Razz separates back into Ice and Tippy.

Now:

Emmanuel attempts to pull Jonathan into the shadows with him. Beleza sees this and sends Gilded Cobra to take care of it. The snake stand opens his mouth and sprays corrosive venom all the way up to where Emmanuel and Jonathan are. Razz kicks and kicks at Beleza, but it appears to no longer have an effect on him. That’s when he uses up any ounce of strength he has left to make Volatile Amethyst tackle Gilded Cobra.

Gilded Cobra sprays venom from his fangs, but is completely taken down by Amethyst. The corrosive venom barely misses Emmanuel’s face by a hair. He shakes it off and ends up finally enveloping Jonathan in Slick’s shadow form.

Beleza collapses onto the ground from his stand being attacked. He hisses from frustration and shoots an electric blue energy beam at Emmanuel, missing him just barely. 

“Okay, you know what?” The one-eyed man huffs and slips back into Slick’s shadow form, crawling down the wall. 

Ramón continues smashing the gem with the halberd, causing it to crack and chip even further.

Beleza stands up, about to blast Razz with an energy beam. Just then, the fusion is broken apart because his time is up. Vanilla and Tippy fall to the ground, completely depleted of strength.

CRRRK!!!

Beleza’s arm jerks away, blasting a hole into the ceiling,

“HUH?!” He looks at his hand with confusion.

Ramón smashes the head of the halberd into the gem, still pulsating with a red glow. Beleza contorts forwards, then backwards, popping his spine with an audible crack. His hands are stiff, fingers twisted in a disturbing fashion.

SMASH!!!

Beleza’s body twists and contorts.

CRRSHHKK!!!

Beleza’s eyes are rolled back in his head and his mouth is agape as he convulses violently. He is completely bent over backwards, twitching and stiff.

With a final crash with the enchanted halberd, Ramón completely destroys the gem. The lavender haired man’s eyes and mouth glow a bright blue. Energy pours out of his eyes and mouth until he limply falls over onto his back, presumably deceased.

Ramón scrambles to his fathers, Emmanuel does the same. They both gaze upon the two gentlemen with widened eyes.

Tippy rubs his forehead then points at Vanilla,

“V-Vans! Your… your hair.”

Ice touches his hair and sees that there are no longer grey streaks,

“W-what the hell?” He looks at Tippy, “You… oh no.” He looks up at Emmanuel and sees that he no longer has wrinkles on his face either, “Emmanuel… you too…”

“Me?” Emi gives Vanilla an incredulous look, then takes out his phone, flipping over to the front camera, “Another one of those ‘bloop’ things must’ve happened… that’s what that weird feeling was.”

“I don’t care what you guys look like!” Ramón wraps his parents up in a hug and weeps from relief. Vanilla and Tippy hug their son back with warmth radiating from their smiles. Ice goes in to kiss Ramón on the cheek, but stops himself. Instead, he gives his son a loving smile.

Ramón motions for his papa to lean down, to which Ice does. The teen gives Vanilla a soft kiss on the cheek and chuckles at his reaction. The family members all laugh and hug each other with joy and relief.

“Uuuunnnghh…”

Vanilla’s brows furrow in rage, 

“HE’S STILL ALIVE!!!”

Ice angrily makes his way to Beleza with clenched fists. The lavender haired man is on his hands and knees, hair over his face. Ice shoves him and grabs Beleza by the collar of the top, ready to punch him in the face.

“Vanilla?!” Beleza’s voice is more light, sweet, and a little lilted as opposed to the deep and sultry voice he had before. His eyes are dark brown and widened with pure bewilderment. Ice lets him drop to the ground on his knees,

“W-what?!”

Bel looks around, distressed and disturbed. He stumbles and crawls backwards on his behind,

“W-who are you?!” He shakily points at Tippy, then at Ramón, “A-and you?!” then points at Emmanuel, shaking even more, “A-AND YOU?!” He gives Vanilla an infuriated and betrayed look, “Where am I?! What the hell is going on, Vanilla?! Where did you take me?!”

Everyone pauses in stunned silence, all staring down at this new Beleza Muscadine.

“Um… would somebody be as kind as to free me, please?” Jonathan calls down to everyone.

Back at the mansion

Beleza is sitting in a chair, thighs squished together and hands holding his biceps tightly, clearly uncomfortable and defensive in this environment. He doesn’t look at anyone, only pouts and shakes his head to continue talking,

“I told you, I don’t freaking remember anything.”

Dio pours some tea into little tea cups as Bel goes on,

“All I remember is, when I was under the jewel’s spell, trying to kill Dio, then he banished me. The last thing I remember after that, was looking up at the moon and saying, ‘What am I gonna do now?’ That’s it. I don’t know any of you people besides Dio, Jonathan, and…” Bel sneers, “Vanilla.”

Ice ignores Bel’s disdain for him and asks,

“Do you know what year it is?”

“Probably like… 1991 I guess? I dunno, I mean, I guess like a few years have passed after I got possessed or whatever.” Bel pouts and rests his cheek on his palm. Emmanuel and Tippy grimace at each other. Tippy’s brows frown in worry,

“Well… it’s actually… 2038.”

Bel slams back in the chair, grabbing the armrests of it,

“WHAT?! Are you freaking kidding me?! That makes literally no sense!” Bel points at Vanilla, “If it really is that far into the goddamn future, then why aren’t you a wrinkly old bastard?! Did ‘Big Bad Mr Dio’ finally turn you into a vampire?!”

“Er… no.” Ice grits his teeth, trying to maintain composure.

The group explains to Beleza everything that had happened, including the second Big Bloop. Which, come to find out, others have decided to call it, “The Great Ripple”. They all check news outlets and articles both on the television and the internet. This has yet again affected everyone on the planet. A lot of people have reverted back to how they were 10-30 years ago, some physically, some with their memories, and some with both.

Vanilla looks down to his lower left and mumbles,

"There's a chance... They won't be so old now..."

"Hm? What was that, Vans?" Tippy asks, tilting zeir head at him.

"Nothing, sweetie. I'll, um... I'll tell you on the plane ride back home." Ice lazily rubs his husband's head.

Ramón reads more articles on his phone, feeling like The Great Ripple is partially his fault. Dio clicks the TV remote, making it turn off.

Bel is scrunched up in his chair. He has his nose wrinkled and lips twisted into a displeased frown. He pretends not to be fearful and upset, but he very clearly is.

Dio takes a sip of his tea,

“Quite daunting, hm?” He chuckles, “Well. I certainly don’t want the likes of you in my manor anymore, I don’t care if you don’t remember your crimes.”

“Whatever,” Bel crosses his arms, “As if I ever wanted to come back to this shitty little shack anyway.” He points at himself with his thumb, gripping the armrest with his other hand, “I made my own way out of a shithole before, and I’ll do it again.”

Tippy can sense that Bel is lying and he doesn’t know what to do after this. Ze feels great sympathy for him. After thinking for a few moments, ze finally speaks up,

“Hey, Bel?”

“Yuh huh?” He crosses his legs and gives zem a bored look.

“There’s… there’s room for a fourth person back home–”

“Yeah, and it’s going to Emmanuel. My family.” Vanilla interrupts Tippy, appalled that ze would be willing to let somebody like Beleza into their home.

“Actually, ‘cous,” Emi chimes in, “I’m good staying here in Egypt. Besides, I’m making bank being one of Mr Dio’s servants.”

Ice purses his lips and gives his cousin a piercing glare. Emi shrugs in response. Tippy steps a little closer to Bel,

“Well, you’re welcome to stay with us, Bel. It’s up to you, okay?” 

The lavender haired man is stunned at Tippy’s gentle tone. He blushes and gets angry at himself for being enchanted and feeling vulnerable. Bel pouts,

“Hmph…” He side eyes Tippy, “I’ll think about it. After all, apparently that guy saved my life.”

“That guy… would be my son.” Ice pats Ramón’s back. Bel’s face twists into utter confusion, his teeth are showing and he looks even a little disgusted. His eyes dart back and forth from Vanilla and Tippy. Quicker than a bullet, Bel’s face changes from confusion to realization at the implication,

“Oh.”

He stares at Tippy, feeling even more drawn to zem in particular.

The next day

Tippy is sitting on zeir suitcase at the front door, playing on zeir phone and waiting for zeir husband and son to finish getting ready. Bel hesitantly approaches Tippy. The blue haired person sees him from zeir periphery, but ignores him so as to not deter him from speaking. Bel clears his throat and leans his back up against the wall,

“So…”

“So…?” Tippy looks up at Bel. This makes Bel’s cheeks flush and avert his gaze,

“Hmph.” He glances over at zem a few times. Beleza nonchalantly pretends to scratch under his top, revealing his telling scar under his right pectoral. Tippy notices and realizes what he’s doing. Tippy smiles knowingly and mimics what Bel is doing, revealing one of zeir faded scars on the left side.

This makes the lavender haired man’s heart race and gives him a shot of adrenaline throughout his body. His cheeks heat up even more. Bel tries to stifle a giggle and hide his smile by pulling his lips into his mouth. Tippy chuckles and looks up at him, gosh, he’s… pretty cute.

One month later

Dio, Jonathan, Erina, and Emmanuel live a pretty lavish and cozy life in the mansion. Emi keeps in touch with his family. Erina and Jonathan are still very much in love and appreciate Emmanuel’s assistance as well as his friendship.

The family of three and Beleza Muscadine end up going back to the Ice family’s home. Bel didn’t want to intrude and stay in their house, so he opted for a hotel room until he can get back on his feet and get a place of his own.

After many visits and hang-outs, the couple and gentleman started becoming very close friends.

“Hey…” Vanilla whispers softly to his husband. Tippy turns to Vanilla, trying to see him through the darkness, using the moonlight pouring from the window as a lightsource,

“Yeah, baby?”

“I need to get this off my chest.” Ice sits up and puts his head in his hands. Tippy sits up as well, feeling concerned,

“What’s wrong, Vans?”

It takes Vanilla a while to speak. He drags his hands across his face and leans his head back against the wall,

“It’s about Beleza.”

“...Go on.” Tippy’s heart races, feeling a little anxious as to what Ice might say. The brunette exhales,

“I… I find him… I find him to be quite attractive. That’s not to say I no longer find you attractive, of course. I just have–...” Ice stops speaking. A giggle escapes Tippy’s lungs,

“I think I understand. He’s pretty cute!” Ze covers zeir face and squeaks. Ice’s cheeks heat up, making him shuffle around uncomfortably,

“Yep…”

The couple sit together in silence, Tippy holds onto Ice’s muscular bicep and nuzzles him. The brunette grimaces, 

“Wait– there’s… there’s something else.”

“Oh yeah?” Tippy teases him.

“I… I’m sorry.” Vanilla holds onto Tippy, “I love you so much. I suppose I have developed a soft spot for Beleza,” Ice kisses the top of zeir head, “He and I used to be at each others’ throats, but… I guess once Dio was out of the picture… he and I became rather close.”

“I agree.” Tippy smiles and kisses Ice’s left shoulder, zeir lips gently brushing up against his scars.

“I feel that it would be generous of us to go ahead and allow Beleza to move in.”

“I also agree!” Tippy joyfully replies.

Vanilla pauses, choosing his next words carefully,

“Bel is practically… already part of the family, heh. You know?”

“Exactly what I was thinking,” Tippy replies, “It’s like he was a missing piece in our life.”

Ice chuckles in response, feeling his heart skip a beat. The brunette closes his eyes and speaks,

“Hypothetically speaking… what if… Beleza was actually part of our family? Perhaps… if he– hypothetically speaking of course, if he were to be an addition in a certain way…?”

Tippy chuckles and gives zeir husband a teasing smirk,

“Vanilla! Are you saying that you have…. F-f-feelings for Mr Muscadine?”

Ice waves his hands around with embarrassment and worry,

“No no no no! That’s not what I–”

“Ahaha! Relax, relax, baby…” Tippy touches Vanilla’s cheek gently to calm zeir husband. Ze looks away, then back at Ice,

“I like him like that too.”

This news relieves Vanilla to no end.

Soon enough, the three gentlemen end up dating and becoming a closed polyamorous throuple. Beleza moves in with the family and sleeps in a big cozy bed with his boyfriends…

The End (true ending)

The First Story!

Bel, Tippy, and Vanilla first kiss

Epilogue (COMING SOON)

[omgpurplefattie]

AKA The Star Trek AU

Star Trek fusion for Mysterious Lotus Casebook -- you don't need to know about Star Trek to understand this! I will follow the planet-of-the-week format for the different cases, with a work for each case. Each case is broken into several chapters where the commercial breaks would be, for the more authentic Star Trek feel.

Fang Duobing is a human from Earth itself, not a colonial brat; Di Feisheng is a very unconventional Klingon, and Li Lianhua is a self-proclaimed space bastard of undisclosed provenience. His companion animal Fox Spirit is probably not just a dog.

The sects are ships from different species; at this era in Star Trek, we mostly have the Federation, Klingons, and Romulans. The Lotus Lodge is a small research vessel, RV Lianhua Lou which conducts 'research' only by virtue of her owner, Li Lianhua, being a doctor. Or maybe solving cases with Fang Duobing counts as research, too?

Episode 4 -- The Lotus Eaters pt. 1

The murder of three mail order brides at a forsaken human outpost hides a much deeper secret: - everything is lotuses, and it actually hurts a lot of people! Li Lianhua and Di Feisheng follow the trail of a mysterious message. Fang Duobing finally catches up.

Fang Duobing arrives on a planet that is completely lotus-themed for business reasons, and has a series of surprises.

CW for fantasy or fictional setting racism, this time not only about Klingons but also about the colonized natives of the planet-of-the-week. Prepare for some nasty takes from the Guo family!

[ikandi-ravers]

Fragments — Not Just Vibes

— Written by Xena [They/She/Xe], the main gatekeeper of iKandi Ravers

(Cw/Tw: Discussion of fusion and splitting)

Good morning, afternoon, or any other time of day it might be for you. My name is Xena, and I want to talk about my experiences keeping our system records. These record include everything from headspace structure, down to which new fragment formed and what we should do with them.

I’ve been a gatekeeper, or more accurately a part of The Council, since I found out I could do a job like this.

Even in my first days I delt with pretty common fragment bursts. That led to me wanting to learn more about them and start taking notes about them. Nobody had ever cared much about the fragments, they were just glowing balls that had different vibes after all, but that turned out to be the exact thing I found interesting. Hell not just that, it was fascinating to me.

With time, and support from older gatekeepers, I managed to learn a lot about the working of our fragments. This led to me gaining the title of “The Fragment Keeper” under our old gatekeeper system.

Let’s get to talking about the fragments then.

How do they function?

Our fragment appear as glowing balls of energy, with each one having a different colour. If they get close enough to a headmate they can affect them by changing their emotions, or giving/taking away some of their abilities. All of this depends on the reason why they formed or split. They also aren’t sentient in they basic form.

They can also be sorted into four groups based on what they affect.

Emotion(al) Fragments — These fragments, as their name suggests, hold emotions. It can be any emotion, but their colour always correlates with the emotion they hold; fragments that hold sadness are blue to black for example. When they get close to a headmate they affect their emotions.

Powerfilled Fragments — These fragments hold powers. This may sound weird on paper, but it makes sense. Our gatekeepers have powers like teleportation, omniscience, or mind reading, these fragments hold one of said powers. The powers can only be distinguished based on what said fragments does. These powers can only by gained by fusing with said fragment.

Symptom Fragments — Probably obvious from the name, these fragments hold symptoms of different disorders or disabilities. They are similar to the powerfilled fragments, as the symptoms can only be gained by fusing with the fragment. The symptoms a fragment holds can also be guessed by how they act and look, they cannot be experiences by being near them.

Memory Fragments — These fragments hold memories, but no emotions. It can be any memory. When they get close to a headmate they can make them get a flashback of said memory, all emotions come from the headmate, not the fragment.

Appearance and Personality Fragments — The last fragments, and the least common ones for us. The only thing these fragments hold are certain characteristic, both visual and mental. The appearance ones have their visual appearance affected by what they hold, and they can’t affecr headmates near them. Meanwhile the personality ones slightly affect a headmate that stands too close. Grouping these two together, as they are similar in my eyes.

Can they develop into headmates?

This certainly depends on the fragment. What I saw most of the time was them fusing on their own until they became whole, and then stole the appearance of a character and became a fictive.

The fact is that they can’t develop without fusion.

I once kept one of each fragment, separated, to study if they are able to develop into a full headmate on their own. As you can guess nothing happened. With time they just pretty much disintegrated actually. It was sad.

Final thoughts

Fragments are certainly a vital part of our functionality.

They are the smalles parts that make up each of us, and I can’t imagine living without them.

[plural-affirmations]

I'm really sorry for throwing this all here and you don't have to read or post it, I just need a safe space to scream where my friends/partner systems won't see. Cw for fusion talk, I don't know if that needs a warning

I think I'm starting to fuse with our host and I'm terrified.

I'm just going to call him T for simplicity's sake (he uses they/them pronouns, I'm the only one who can call him.. him. It's a persecutor thing.) but he's been our host since for about two and a half years. I split off about a year and a half ago.

I'm technically a duplicate of him, we're from the same source character, but we're very different. He's all fuckin.. Healed and matured and moved on from his shit, and I haven't. I'm still stuck in who I was and who I am. It's a little easier to live with now, but I feel like I'm the evil alter. I'm like a dark shadow of him, all the horrible parts of himself that he couldn't carry anymore got shaved off and formed into whatever lump of flesh I became.

And I'm fine with that. I can live with that. I don't want to change. I'm surviving just fine as I am and I actually have people around me who don't care that I'm an asshole.

But more and more lately it's felt like T and I are getting muddled. Another headmate said that our souls looked tangled, I don't know how tf he saw that but he's a demon so he just Knows Thing. Someone else explicitly said we're fusing and that I'm going to disappear, but I don't know if I can trust them, because they're a persecutor too and they like to target me.

I've been trying to let go of a lot of exotrauma lately and it's hard. I'm extremely connected to my source and I didn't get a happy ending. My entire existence was based around being manipulated, and that hasn't changed since coming to the system, it's just been new faces doing the same shit. I'm a persecutor that gets targeted by all the other persecutors. I'm pretty much a living punching bag.

But I met a guy in one of our partner systems and I really like him. They've got a bunch of littles that all seem to adore me and I don't know why. One calls me her big brother. There's people who like me. I'm really trying to let myself be ok and to accept that I'm allowed a happy ending this time and that I'm not putting people at risk just by admitting I care about them, but it feels like every step toward that gets me more and more tangled up with T. Me hating myself and him is the only thing that seems to be keeping us solidified on our own.

I'm not against fusion for the whole system, I get it happens sometimes, but I don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to disappear. I finally feel like I'm able to survive my shit enough to function and I have people who would miss me if I was gone.

But honestly I think the scarier idea is that I wouldn't. That I'd be the main one who got to stay. T is in a tangled ass polycule with seven people between our system and two others. And I only really like one of them, I kind of actively hate some of the others. One of the partner system boyfriends C would probably have a full nervous breakdown if he disappeared entirely.

I don't know what to do. Either I stay hateful and cruel and go back to beating up T and pushing everyone away to keep us separated, or we fuse and I either disappear, or destroy everyone else's happiness for the sake of my own. It feels like there's nothing here I can do to win and honestly it's all starting to feel like one cosmic joke. I can't even talk to anyone, because our two closest friends are our partner systems, and I don't want to freak them out.

I'm just so tired. I want to be happy without having it blow up in my face and it feels like that's not possible.

Listen. I used to be scared of fusion of any kind. Terrified. My first fusion was super unintentional, unexpected, and frankly painful for a number of reasons. I avoided the idea of it for so long that even when I realized it would probably happen regardless, I just ignored it. And that made it so, so much worse in the long run.

When it finally came around, it hurt. I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. And I was so caught up with who my predecessors were that I didn't know who I was for almost a full year.

But you know what? It got better. I slowly started picking up on things I liked and disliked, what little differences I experienced. After finding out I loved honey mustard when I used to hate it, it almost became a game to me. "Will I like this food Cameron was fond of? Maybe I'll try makeup like Cara. Maybe I'll create something entirely new for myself." (I did, by the way. Picked up HTML for the hell of it.)

The next time fusion happened, I let it. I felt it coming on for probably about a month or so, and I remembered what happened the last time. So, I sat down and breathed. Didn't panic the same way as before.

And after thinking, it was genuinely nice! I was excited to see how I'd grow this time. What idiosyncrasies I'd pick up. Whether I would still fantasize about Pipeline Punch Monster Energy when I was feeling down.

My gender and orientation went on full-tilt, but even that wasn't as upsetting as the first!

I'm going to tell you something I wish someone would've told me:

Change is going to come whether you enjoy it or not.

Yes, things will be different. Yes, it could very well be emotional and hard at times. But if you're fusing, it's usually for a really good reason, despite if you consciously know what that reason is yet or not. Brains have a pretty good idea of what's best for your system's wellbeing. They're certainly not perfect, but they know damn well how to process complex experiences most singlets wouldn't dream of.

You're not going to disappear, and things aren't going to be nearly as bad as they might seem. I promise you, you'll come out on the other end better. And if shit really does hit the fan? You'll know for next time.

🖤💜💙💚💛

[okkotsuyuutaloml]

a/n: i'm cleaning my computer and found a bunch of short stories which i had written for my english class (but ended up not submitting it bcs i chickened out and instead wrote an argumentative essay)

pairing: mark webber and sebastian vettel (platonic)

cw: murder, gore, horror, au

wc:

main mlist ! | f1 mlist !

thank you @taestwinkle for proofreading this for me!

in the shadowed heart of the decaying city of dunwich, where whispers of despair lingered in the alleys, two souls teetered on the brink of madness: mark webber, a forsaken artist and sebastian vettel, a macabre surgeon.

mark's studio was a morbid sanctuary, adorned with grotesque canvases that defied the boundaries of human suffering. his latest masterpiece, "the eviscerated symphony," had drawn the attention of the macabre elite, including sebastian.

sebastian, a surgeon by day and a collector of the macabre by night, had an insatiable appetite for the obscure. he frequented the darkest corners of the city in search of subjects for his experiments, always lurking in the shadows.

one fateful evening, seb's twisted path led him to mark's studio. the pungent scent of wet paint and decay hung heavy in the air as he entered. a symphony of anguish unfolded before him on the canvases, each stroke and brushstroke an ode to despair.

mark turned, his eyes like fractured mirrors, reflecting a thousand sorrows. "you," he said, his voice a haunting melody. "you are not here for my art. you are here for something darker."

sebastian nodded, a twisted grin dancing on his lips. "i seek inspiration, dear artist, and i hear your work is nothing short of transcendent."

a sinister alliance formed between them that night. sebastian provided mark with the most macabre subjects for his art, dissected and splayed open for his creative endeavors. in return, mark invited sebastian to witness his artistry firsthand, to see the unholy marriage of life and death on his canvases.

their twisted collaboration soon grew into an obsession. mark's art became more grotesque with each passing day, his brush strokes capturing the essence of suffering in a way that no other artist could fathom. sebastian, on the other hand, pushed the boundaries of medical science, experimenting on living subjects in the name of his insatiable curiosity.

one chilling night, as rain poured in torrents, the duo embarked on their most audacious endeavor yet. they ventured to the city's catacombs, a labyrinth underworld where the forgotten dead whispered their secrets. mark's canvas was set amidst the bones, lit by flickering candles, as sebastian worked meticulously to extract the essence of agony from a still-breathing victim.

as the night wore on, a maddening fusion of art and science unfolded. mark's brush moved with a feverish intensity, capturing the tortured soul of the victim on canvas. sebastian's surgical instruments danced like malevolent wraiths, unraveling the mysteries of life and death.

but then, in the catacombs' eerie silence, something unexpected happened. the victim's pain transcended the physical, and his suffering began to infect the very air around them. mark's brush shook as he felt the tendrils of agony wrap around his heart and sebastian's once-celestial curiosity curdled into a grotesque obsession.

as the ritual reached its height, the boundary between life and death blurred. the victim's anguished cries merged with mark's screams of artistic ecstasy and sebastian's maniacal laughter. in that unholy moment, they glimpsed something beyond their comprehension—a realm where suffering and creation merged, a dimension of pure horror.

the catacombs trembled, and a cataclysmic force tore through the studio above. the city of dunwich was forever scarred by the malevolent energy they had unleashed. the cataclysmic artistry they had wrought that night was their final masterpiece—a grotesque testament to the depths of human depravity.

in the end, mark and seb were never seen again, their souls claimed by the dark forces they had summoned. their studio became a forbidden legend, a place where the line between art and abomination had been irrevocably blurred.

and so, in the heart of the decaying city of dunwich, the legacy of mark and sebastian lived on—a nightmarish tale whispered in the alleys, a reminder of the darkness that dwells within the human soul.

a/n: definitely didn't have merriam webster open 😋

[foxymoxynoona]

Tell Me What Changed Pt. 8

Banner and lines by the talented @awrkive

Summary: Alex and Jungkook have been best friends since childhood –actual best friends. She is NOT in love with him, for real, and wishes people would stop assuming that. Why does no one question if he’s in love with her? Huh? But it might have to do with his successful fuckboy status, while Alex is very much… not that. Which is fine and doesn’t matter! Until Jimin’s impending wedding leaves her eager for a date and willing to put herself out there, and Jungkook can’t believe what happens next.

Fuckboy Best Friend JK x OC

CW and tags: fuckboy behavior, jealousy, pining, heartbreak, angst, bad language, explicit sex, sexy photos, alcohol, f2l, who knows what else

Read on AO3 here or below

Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter

“Hey Hobi, can you grab my hair?” Alex called, arm deep in ground beef and spices she was hand folding. She hadn’t thought about her hair when she started but it kept swinging down in front of her face and it was long enough now to land in the bowl. Maybe it was time for a haircut… but she’d never been good at styling hair and the shorter it was, the more she felt like she needed to do things with it. 

In seconds Hoseok was behind her, a ponytail holder from her purse stretched around his fingers. The gentle way he dragged her hair back, sliding his fingers through it to get the last strands, gave her goosebumps in spite of the gross wet feel of fatty meat caked between her fingers. Very disorienting combination. 

He twisted it one too few times so it was loose and low on her back but at least it was out of the beef.  

“It looks… it smells good,” he corrected himself. She grinned at his eagerness to praise and support her. She had admitted it was daunting to cook for them with Seokjin’s culinary skill on display so often. But Alex had wanted to cook for Hoseok for a while and finally had the time and energy to buy the things she needed.

“What is it?” Seokjin asked, leaning against the counter. 

“It’s meatballs,” Milena insisted, to which Seokjin gave an incredulous look until Alex confirmed, “We’re doing American and Chinese fusion tonight…”

“It’s really meatballs?” Hoseok asked, eyes wide with disbelief.

“They’re fancy meatballs,” Alex defended. 

“I didn’t mean anything bad! Are they Chinese meatballs?”

“I don’t know,” Alex sulked. “Not really… but usually zha jiang mian has pork or beef in it but you said Ren and Samantha don’t eat meat so I left the pork out of the sauce and the rest of us can add them meatballs–”

Hoseok laughed and touched her hips, “Alex, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sure it will be great.”

“It will be great,” she said, but stopped herself before adding Jungkook loves my meatballs!

A cold chill slid across her shoulders but she ignored it and leaned into Hoseok’s warm hands with a hip wiggle before chasing him away so she could continue. Seokjin hovered a bit longer, until she yelled that he was making her nervous, and he laughed and yelled back that she better not poison them, and Hoseok yelled at Seokjin for insulting her, and they went off to set the table. 

Even with pressure to cook well, Alex felt more relaxed than she had in weeks. Not that everything was perfect and easy. Living at home again was taking some transitioning. Her whole daily routine and social life felt like it had been tossed into a salad shaker. And also she missed her best friend like fuck. 

But she didn’t feel like she was juggling knives. She didn’t walk on eggshells around anyone or feel like she was hiding things or keeping secrets. Her fears that Hoseok would have enough and dumb her for the drama subsided. She didn’t have to worry herself sick trying to figure out what to do because hey, the arm was gone! Just the whole damn arm! She had to learn to live without the arm but people did that all the time! She couldn’t slam her fingers in the kitchen drawer now or something something.

Things were simpler and easier and she took that to be a sign she had done the right thing. Probably living at home was going to drive her crazy before too long, even though she loved her parents, but if all went well, maybe in a year or two she’d be moving in with Hoseok anyway! Oh god. Or if that was too soon, maybe she could jump into a roommate space with Rebekah or Minxi if that freed up. Or if she got too miserable she’d just look for a new roommate on craigslist or whatever. She had options. Tomorrow was a new day. The sky was her oyster or something like that.

Yes, this was the right thing to do. She hummed along to music Milena put on in the living room even though she wasn’t familiar with it and focused on cooking so she wouldn’t accidentally burn it. The meatballs were easy but the zha jiang mian was easy to fuck up if she forgot to pay attention and burned the sauce. One time she and Jungkook had smoked themselves out of the kitchen trying to get it just right– ok, maybe that actually got distracted by videos on his phone– 

She hummed louder, and cleared her mind of anything that wasn’t cooking, and smiled at the easy laughter of her friends and the overly loud joke told by her boyfriend that set them off. The doorbell rang, their last two vegetarian guests arriving, and Hoseok went running to answer it like an overexcited puppy. She thought Hoseok was happier too. It was a sad turn of events but everything would be better in the long run, that was the truth. 

*

“Ah those were some damn good meatballs,” Hoseok said once the food had been eaten, dishes cleared away, leftovers stored, and Tate, Milena, Ren, and Samantha had said their farewells. Seokjin was already holed up in his room, the noise of him mumbling to himself as he played his game audible if you lingered near his door, which Alex did not ever, being well acquainted with other noises one might accidentally overhear doing so.

Hoseok and Alex weren’t there for long though. He sexily threw the dishtowel over his shoulder and Alex’s grin must have revealed the appeal because he laughed and gestured her closer.

“Thank you for cooking,” he said, sliding his arms over her shoulders. “It’s cool to show off my girlfriend.”

“Yeah? I’m glad it turned out well.”

He kissed her forehead, which was sweet. Then he hunched further and she leaned up so he could kiss her for real. That easy warm feeling wrapped around her. The fact that kissing Hoseok was normal to her now was in itself still remarkable. She felt like they’d really gone through something together, even if the stress and suffering had been primarily hers, and the fact everything was still so good soothed her soul. She saw so many stories about toxic or messy relationships, it was like the basis of every romantic movie, but her relationship with Hoseok was just easy once she’d cut off the arm that was Jungkook! Was it supposed to be this easy? Was she just really lucky?! That seemed unlikely and yet the proof was there.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked her, arms comfortably wrapped around. Hoseok’s hugs were just something else, they’d made a hugger out of her when she never thought of herself as one before. Being hugged by Hoseok recharged your batteries straight to full.  

She wasn’t about to tell him the embarrassing truth: I’m thinking about how the future with you looks so peaceful and steady. A calm, flat horizon with blue skies. Surely something would go wrong at some point but she had a hard time picturing what. Couldn’t they be supportive and kind and just always be ok? Short of one of them doing something wildly out of character, was this it now? Were they just going to be happy forever? Someday they’d move in together and get married and have a baby or something? Or maybe just adopt dogs. But they both had jobs that were good and liked living in this area so probably no major moves. Could life really be as easy as that? No, right?

“Alex,” he murmured, rustling her hair. “You’re quiet. Are you ok?”

“Just digesting,” she assured him. “And thinking about how nice this is.”

“Yeah. It is nice. Oh, I meant to tell you– you know I started going by my old dance school?”

“Mm-hm.”

“I signed up to start taking a few classes again. I miss dancing and I figured why wait? I’m only getting older.”

She pulled away and beamed, “Yeah, you should! I want to watch you dance!”

“Ok, good, I want you there. There’s usually a showcase later in the fall… ah, I’m rusty but I’ll get it back.”

“Yeah! Oh my god, yeah, I can’t wait to see you!”

“Ok ok,” he grinned. “Good then. That’s nice.”

“Yes, that’s nice,” she giggled, and pressed her face back to his chest. 

“You know what would be nicer?” he asked after another minute of swaying.

“Um… what?”

“If we got naked,” he whispered. “You, me, my freshly made bed? The meatballs were really good and they gave me a lot of energy. Do you think…”

“Do I think what?”

“Do you want to? We don’t have to if you don’t feel like it–”

“Why wouldn’t I feel like it? Yeah, let’s go! Let me run to the restroom first but…”

“Ok, I don’t want to pressure you though. I know it’s been a few weeks and you haven’t been feeling well…”

Alex paused at the edge of the kitchen, only now realizing he was right. It had been a few weeks since they’d had sex. Their sex life was steady and stable so she didn’t exactly track how often they did the deed, but she happened to know that he was right, they hadn’t had sex since right after she’d moved out of her apartment. She’d been desperate for sex but afterwards wound up feeling like she’d over-exherted herself and had been too distracted to be any real good for Hoseok, though he hadn’t said that. She hadn’t avoided sex on purpose since but it just hadn’t happened again...

“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t realize that– but you’re right! I swear I’m not avoiding sex or anything, I guess I just wasn’t feeling great for a little bit.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said, it’s fine! That happens. You don’t have to apologize,” he insisted, running his hands up to cradle her face. “If you still don’t feel like it–”

“No, I do. Let’s get back in the sack, let’s go,” she assured him. She didn’t know how to explain to him that without understanding it, she’d felt like she was waiting for something… But what? Waiting for something to point out she wanted to and ought to have sex with her boyfriend? Waiting for permission to be normal? It made no sense. She didn’t know anything yet about the ebb and flow of sex in a relationship, just that things were good and she wanted to feel good in that department too. 

Fortunately, it was easy to get right back into rhythm together. Alex finished with a happy, satisfied sigh after just the right amount of time fucking, and curled up comfortably, blankets clutched to her chest as she admired Hoseok’s body stretched beside her, unabashedly naked. 

“Good?” she asked with a wide grin to show her own answer.

Hoseok matched hers, “Yeah, good. Very good. Always good. Are you staying the night?”

“Uh… I want to but…” She grabbed her phone, which had buzzed right in the middle. She’d had a suspicion that proved to be true: her mom wanted to know when she’d be home. “Well this is going to be annoying…”

“What is?”

“Talking to my mom about the fact I spend the night at my boyfriend’s house sometimes…”

“Oh.” He grimaced. “I didn’t think about that. Is that going to be a problem?”

“It better not be. I’m a grown up!”

“Yeah and you used to live with a guy,” Hoseok pointed out.

“Sure but I wasn’t having sex with him,” she giggled right over the shock that Hoseok would casually mention that sore spot right now. “I’d better go home tonight so I can clarify boundaries before it’s a fight… besides, you work tomorrow don’t you?”

“Not until eight.”

“I don’t want to wake up alone in your bed,” she playfully pouted.

“Yeah it would be hard to leave you alone and naked in my bed,” he agreed, reaching down to kiss her shoulder. 

She let out a deep sigh. 

“Ok, here I go.”

It still took her fifteen minutes to pull herself from the warmth of his bed, and pee, and dress. She dreaded this talk with her parents even though it had to happen. She couldn’t never spend the night with her boyfriend again just because she was living at home. She was twenty-six now!

Shuffling to her car in the chilly September air to go back to her childhood bedroom after great sex felt all kinds of wrong, but she was happy despite that. This inconvenience would only be temporary. The future had never looked happier and calmer than when she was around Hoseok. She felt more confident in herself, like she was really growing up, making major decisions in her own self-interest, facing any troubles head on, doing what was best. Now, since she didn’t pay rent, she could even build up a savings account! So mature! So adult! 

When she left though, and sat in her car, and drove home, that feeling of temporary crept back up. That sense she was waiting for something nudged her in the spine again. Waiting for what? This was it! This was her new normal! She thought maybe her brain was still adjusting to that truth, that being away from her apartment and Jungkook was not just a temporary state but a permanent one. That the arm was really gone, not just asleep. 

There might be a shock when that finally set in. But ok. She’d get through that too. Alex 2.0 was on top of her shit and ready to face the world with Hoseok by her side! 

Too bad he couldn’t be by her side as she explained to her parents she was twenty-six and sometimes wanted to sleep overnight with her boyfriend after they fucked. Obviously in very very different words than that…

Jungkook craned his neck to watch for the first step as he carried his last box of shit up to the second bedroom in Namjoon’s house. The movers had hauled his stuff over yesterday but since he’d rolled to a monthly lease that went to the end of the month, he still had a week to get the last of his things out. Not that he was dragging his feet or anything because he’d already spent too long alone in that crappy empty apartment. He’d hand-carried the last of his things today. He would schedule the final walkthrough and turn over the key next week. Moving was a pain in the dick, that was all. 

He chucked the last box into the pile against the wall, patted Doggo’s head, and then went downstairs where Namjoon stood at the kitchen counter waiting.

“Ok, here’s your key and your garage door opener,” Namjoon said, tapping the counter beside them. “Um… what else…”

“Any more ground rules?” Jungkook asked with a grin. There had been no shortage of discussion once the hangovers after Jungkook’s party wore off and they both recalled that Namjoon had said Jungkook could move in with him. Shockingly, Namjoon didn’t take it back. Though there had been many subsequent conversations about “what was fair” as roommates –what the bills were, when to be quiet, how to clean. “What’s important to you as a roommate?” Namjoon had asked him and Jungkook had just stared at him blankly, no answer in mind. He’d just figured it out with Alex. Back in college, he’d figured it out with Taehyung and Jimin. He wasn’t really a premeditated kind of guy.

Jungkook had braced himself for Namjoon to say something about “visitor policy” or something but it hadn’t come up. The house had two full bathrooms and their rooms were at separate ends of the hall so maybe it wouldn’t be an issue, if Jungkook starting bring girls over all the time or whatever. Which he was totally, absolutely going to do. 

“No,” Namjoon said. “No no. I’m sure we can talk through anything that comes up.”

“Yeah, so what were you thinking about the housewarming rager?” Jungkook asked with a playful grin. “I work Friday and Saturday so I was thinking Sunday night–”

“Yeah ok you can do that after you mow the lawn.”

“Ya, did you just let me move in to be your manservant?” Jungkook laughed.

Namjoon was all grins too and Jungkook felt his moving-day tension ease as Namjoon assured him, “No no, you’re helping me out a lot actually.”

“I am?”

“What, you thought I’m just doing this to be a good friend?” 

“Well… yeah…”

“Damn, really? You think that highly of me?” Namjoon laughed. He pulled two beers out of the fridge, offering them with a gesture; Jungkook accepted with a nod and made a mental note to buy the next case. 

“I know we’re both kind of nervous about how our uh, different styles will mesh,” Namjoon admitted. “But we’re friends, we can figure it out. It’s hard to go from living with someone to then living alone –I had to do that too. And uh… I don’t know, it’s kind of lonely being alone for the first time. I don’t like it as much as I expected to. It’s depressing having to do everything on my own around here. And also way more expensive than I expected.”

“Yeah, I can see that…” His own monthly bills would be a bit higher now; savings in some areas since Namjoon owned, losses in others since this place was bigger and nicer than what he’d been living in with Alex. He could afford it but, well, it was probably good he didn’t need that Europe trip fund anymore.

“So yeah, make yourself at home. If something comes up, I don’t know, just bring it up with me and we’ll talk through it like grown ass adults.”

“Yeah No problem. And seriously, dude, thanks for letting me move in here. The thought of trying to get used to a new roommate I don’t know shit about…”

“Yeah, I remember. I know. Hey, if we’d made different choices in life, maybe this is where we would have been starting after college!”

“Yeah, that’s a way to think about it,” Jungkook agreed.

What Jungkook had appreciated about Namjoon from the start was that he’d never once said anything like dude you’re making too big of a deal, she’s just your friend who moved out. After drunkenly blabbing his bullshit to waaaay too many people at his birthday party until basically everyone knew the whole sob story, he’d braced himself for the teasing, even if his friends meant it lovingly. Instead he could see the careful way his close friends tried to be helpful, and he was really touched by it. Whether that was Namjoon letting him move in, Taehyung scheduling more frequent game sessions, Jimin inviting him over for dinner more often and only asking him to cook half the time. Yes, it all made him feel a little pathetic, but he appreciated their intentions. He didn’t need them to go so out of their way to avoid mentioning Alex but he was also a little grateful for it.

But outside his core circle of friends, he found the “support” a little harder to endure. He thought going out with people a lot would keep him distracted instead of counting the days. It looked good on his Instagram too, in case she happened to be watching; she hadn’t unfollowed him, though she wasn’t posting lately either. But he’d quickly discovered that at the whiff of heartbreak, most people became absolutely well-intentioned assholes. He didn’t just volunteer the information but if it got (easily) dragged out of him (because sometimes talking about it felt like a string still connected them and this was all just a temporary bump), they would inevitably say something like Oh hey, I’ve got a friend I can introduce you to or geez she sounds like a bitch, you’re better off or better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

“Hey, do you think it’s true, that saying about ‘it’s better to have loved and lost–’”

“Nah, it’s bullshit,” Namjoon chuckled as he led the way to the living room. With nothing better to do, Jungkook followed. He sank into one of the two chairs, both positioned so they could look out the windows on either side of the fireplace. Namjoon had a bird feed out there and some little brown things were hopping around chowing down.

“Yeah…”

“I just think it’s trying to stack-rank two things that both suck. Why do people get so competitive about establishing this is better or worse than that? It’s lemons to oranges, they aren’t the same thing even though they’re related. Being lonely sucks but so does having your heart fucked. Not convincing anyone you’re a catch sucks but so does someone thinking you are and then changing their mind, you aren’t worth learning to compromise or whatever… I don’t know. It all sucks.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook agreed. It sucked a little bit less though to hear Namjoon say that. “People keep telling me time heals all wounds, shit like that.”

“Oh yeah. I got uh, ‘there’s more fish in the sea’ so many fucking times.”

“Yeah! But I don’t want time to heal the wound, I want the girl to heal the wound,” Jungkook argued.

“Yeah I didn’t want another fish, I liked the fish I had…. At least for a while. Now I’m over it. But it’s hard when you’re hurting; it feels like no one has ever hurt like you before. So I understand what people mean, they mean well. No one invents heartbreak and it’s hard to watch people hurting so you try to find something to say to make it hurt a little less when the truth is that it just takes time. But we’re conditioned not to want to see people suffer.”

“You think that part’s conditioned or natural?”

“God I’m so glad you moved in,” Namjoon laughed and let his head fall back and kicked his feet up on a little ottoman

“I’m just curious what you think…”

“I don’t think you get enough credit– well probably it’s your own fault. Your instagram doesn’t scream intellectual.”

Jungkook laughed, “Don’t slutshame me, man! I don’t know that I’m an intellectual, I just think sometimes… maybe not enough…” He thought of late night conversations with Alex –drunk, high, or maybe just sleepy. He’d felt understood. With her gone, he worried he’d never feel understood again. One night stands weren’t usually trying to.

But Namjoon understood some of him. Jimin understood some other parts. Taehyung too. 

“Oh hey you know what else you can help me with, I just got that record player working again –Yoongi helped me. Ah, is he a bad topic…”

“Nah, it’s fine. What can I help you with?”

“My vinyl collection is small. I want to go thrift store hunting for more, fill up a whole one of those bookcases. You’ve got good music taste, you can help me out, yeah?”

To say Jungkook was flattered was a massive understatement.

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

And it did! It genuinely did sound great. Life with Namjoon in his nice house with his minimal but simple and mature decor would be different than his starter home with Alex, but this could be ok. Hopefully eventually he would feel more like he fit in here. Right now he couldn’t imagine any of his stuff spreading throughout the house or what it was going to actually be like when he was in and out or how Namjoon was going to handle it if Jungkook didn’t keep things exactly the way he wanted him to but he’d figure it out. Of course he felt like a guest right now, he hadn’t even spent his first night here yet. Namjoon was clearly going out of his way to make him feel welcome.

He had really good friends. Maybe Alex wasn’t the only one he hadn’t verbalized enough appreciation for.

“I really appreciate you letting me move in here, man.”

“Stop saying that,” Namjoon laughed. “You’re welcome here. Mi casa es su casa. Just relax and watch the birds.”

“What’s that little black and white one?” he asked. There were a lot of them and it reminded him of Alex.

He had to stop thinking of Alex all the time. It had been almost a month since she moved out. He was still seeing her in a fucking bird, that couldn’t be healthy, right? Time to stop.

He couldn’t stop thinking of Alex. He still thought about her every single day. He didn’t want that to stop so he needed to learn to live with it, that’s what Namjoon had just said and he trusted Namjoon’s advice more than anyone’s. Time, it would just take time, that’s what Namjoon had said. 

“That’s a chickadee,” Namjoon snickered. “It’s the most common bird. You don’t know what a chickadee is? God I have so much to teach you about domestic suburban life…”

“Sorry man, I was too busy catching other kinds of chicks.”

“Uh huh.”

“But yeah, teach me about the backyard birds. What’s that black and white one with the red head?”

“You’re trolling me, right? You…everyone knows what a woodpecker is…”

“Pecker? Damn whoever named these birds was kind of horny, huh?”

“Ornithologists.”

“Horny-thologists?”

Namjoon grabbed the small decorative pillow from his chair and launched it at Jungkook; he barely had time to move his beer so it wouldn’t spill, barking out a complaint. 

“Isn’t your dick what got you into trouble in the first place?” Namjoon insisted.

“Actually no, my lack of self awareness did.”

Namjoon spluttered with laughter and it made Jungkook laugh too. 

“Lack of self-aware– My ex-wife said the same damn thing about me,” Namjoon admitted. “We’ll be all right, JK.

“Yeah I mean there are plenty of birds in the yard,” Jungkook agreed. “Better to have fed and flown away than never to have shat on the feeder that fed you–”

“Stop stop, where is this coming from?”

“Oh shit did heartbreak actually break me? Am I poetic now?”

“You might be poetic now,” Namjoon laughed. “You should write these down!”

“No I shouldn’t, they’re really bad jokes.”

“They’re funny to me.”

“Namjoon, man, you may not be as smart as everyone thinks you are.”

Namjoon was really squirming, he was laughing so hard. The birds in the yard startled and a bunch flew away –but not the chickadees. They just kept going about their business, snarfing down the birdseed while all the scaredy-birds scattered. But within a few minutes, when nothing else startled them, the other birds came back. Ok, maybe Alex looked like a chickadee but she acted more like whatever those other things were. And if he didn’t scare her and just waited very still and patient, maybe she’d come back. And if she didn’t ever, maybe by then he’d have learned to live without her.

“What are those other ones?” he asked Namjoon. “The ones that came back?”

“White-breasted nuthatch–”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Ok how do I sign up to name birds, since any idiot can come up with this shit. I’m going to name that one a Cockenspiel–”

“That’s a grackle.”

“GRACKLE.”

Someday he was going to have Alex in stitches laughing at these bird names. Right now, Namjoon would do.

“Ok let’s see what records you've got so far, what are you missing? We should go to garage sales too, I bet old people sell good shit like that.”

“Yeah, I bet you’re right.”

But they didn’t rush to look at the records. It was nice, just sitting and watching the birds. Not needing to think or feel or do a single thing, just watching the little fluffs eat. 

“Ok what about that cute fluffy gray one?”

“I really don’t want to answer that.”

“Joon…”

“It’s a um… it’s a tit. It’s a titmouse…”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“Look these are just backyard birds, they don’t even have the horniest names! Look it up on your phone, I think there are even worse ones– hold on, I’ll look it up…”

Ok. Time was passing and maybe he could do this, one dumb bird at a time.

For two people who had not been married, the deep links of their life continued to surface in unexpected and incredibly annoying ways over time. At first, every few days she noticed something she’d left behind, or something of Jungkook’s she had accidentally thrown in the box –she’d found three of his shirts but the thought of returning them was mortifying in case he thought she’d taken them on purpose, but also she wanted her ceiling projector back which was probably still in his bedroom. They shared streaming services which were all in his name because he’d gotten a discount through work and she spent an afternoon writing down what episode she was on in everything and then couldn’t bring herself to sign up fresh for her own accounts on anything yet. They shared a Google calendar which she had to uninstall from all of her devices so she wouldn’t get reminders of his work shifts because apparently he was still using it and she dreaded the day “Jungkook Pussy Appointment” would pop up on her phone. Several times she accidentally sent packages to the old address and had to sneak into the mailroom to get them; after about two weeks she went to Jimin and In’am’s for dinner and they delivered her a stack of mail Jungkook had passed along. That one hurt a lot because couldn’t he just text her that he had a stack and she could swing by–

But maybe he wasn’t comfortable. Maybe he was making a point of giving her the space she’d asked for. Maybe he was sulking. He’d never responded to her happy birthday message so it was possible he just hated her too.

Of all the bills, the one she dragged her feet on the most though was the phone bill. Alex had been on Jungkook’s phone plan for the last three years, once her parents kicked her off and she and Jungkook realized a family plan would be cheaper, especially with his Verizon employee discount. She wasn’t sure what it would take to roll her number off to its own plan and she dreaded the monthly increase and also doing phone things was just annoying. It had been awesome to just roll into the store last time she needed one and Jungkook did all the things and handed her the phone with the best deals and off she went. 

In September, she just Venmoed him her half of the monthly bill like she always did with the note: sorry I’ll get off your plan quick!

She did not get off his plan quick. He accepted the money without comment, no response back, though did transfer her $30 back with for the groceries you left. She thought about trying to return the security deposit again, because she felt guilty she’d left him with so little time to find a roommate. She didn’t know if he’d found one yet. She wasn’t totally avoiding their friends, but she’s only seen Rebekah and Minxi on their own and texted a little with Jimin, and she felt like everyone made a point of not saying anything, not asking anything.

Then she started feeling guilty in case he didn’t realize he was suddenly going to have to pay for the streaming services on his own, so she transferred him half of that too: hey I’m rolling off now, make your new roommate help pay but didn’t want to leave you in a lurch.

He sent it back: it’s $7. I’ll be fine.

She thought his tone was kind of salty and decided that maybe it wasn’t cute to send him these little things. Maybe she wasn’t the only one who needed space. She had, after all, possibly broken his heart. Possibly not. But possibly? It was a major factor in moving out, after all. It was hard to watch someone you loved be with someone else and if he loved her so much that he couldn’t keep it to himself while she had a happy relationship, she didn’t want to put him through watching her be happy.

So she didn’t send him any money for anything else, but also just kind of forgot about it until October when she suddenly remembered the bill would be due again soon and she had not rolled onto her own account. Probably she would have put it off another month and just sent him the money, lazy because he hadn’t demanded she get off or kicked her off himself yet. But then at work she spilled a whole carafe of milk on her pants, and then when trying to clean it up with the case off, she’d kind of accidentally thrown it –look, it was a panicked clumsy mistake, but the screen protector had already been shattered and didn’t save it now, so the screen itself shattered. Plus no matter how well she cleaned it, the whole thing smelled like sour milk within hours. And since she had to transfer off his account anyway, she realized she needed to just go into the store and hope the folks there would recognize her and not press her for account authorization information she didn’t have.

But obviously she wasn’t going to go alone, just in case she did run into Jungkook. She was going to take Hoseok but realized that would turn the mall trip into many hours and anyway he was working the afternoon shift on her free day. She used Siri on her phone to call Rebekah, the one friend she knew would pick up the phone and not just demand to know why she was calling instead of texting. Even though she’d had to endure Rebekah’s teasing, “Does the Sabbath mean nothing to you? You’re lucky I’ll still go shopping… just don’t tell my parents.”

Alex felt like an asshole to not have thought about it, though Rebekah was sometimes loose with which traditions she kept. In this instance, Alex was infinitely grateful for the flexibility. Rebekah’s presence with her at the mall was just what she’d needed. 

“We went on three dates but..”

“Oh, not good?” Alex asked as Rebekah caught her up on the things she’d missed in the last five weeks, starting with her own life. Somehow that five weeks felt both very long and like no time at all. 

“No he was just kind of… just nothing to him. He had no personality,” Rebekah lamented. “Everything I asked him about, his answer was just ‘well what kind of dessert do you like?’ Look I do not want to make 98% of the decisions in a relationship, I need someone with opinions, and with preferences, and needs.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Alex nodded along, trying not to accidentally make eye contact with anyone as she held the ball of a lollipop in her cheek. She felt like a small child but when they’d passed the candy store right by the front entrance, she’d felt an undeniable need for a cotton candy flavored blue lollipop. There was something about being in a mall when she hadn’t been in it for several months that made her want to do all sorts of stupid mall things. She almost asked Rebekah if she wanted to get soft pretzels too but stopped herself in time because not only did it give her stomach a painful twist thinking of Jungkook, she also remembered the mall ones weren’t kosher, which Rebekah had already mentioned she was keeping more strictly again, motivated by so many recent Jewish holidays with her family. 

Honestly, Alex admired her faith and her dedication to it. She wished she was that dedicated to anything. Sure she felt her Chinese heritage threaded through many parts of her life, and she enjoyed a lot of traditional holidays and customs with her family, but it wasn’t quite the same, she thought, as embodying a practice daily the way Rebekah did. There wasn’t really anything she embodied daily: not even drinking water and eating healthy, though she’d started going on Baba’s daily walks with him if she was around. Mostly to get her parents off her back because if she wasn’t with Hoseok, she was basically just hanging around the house which they were far more judgmental about than her previous roommate.

“How’s living at home?” Rebekah asked her once she seemed adequately vented about her disappointing dating life.

“Eh…”

“Sorry, should I not have asked–”

“No, it’s fine, don’t make that part of it awkward. It just feels like moving out was this big step into adulthood and going home is a step backwards and my parents don’t know how to treat me because am I an adult or am I not? If I’m not paying rent or bills, aren’t I just their daughter again? And it’s hard to put my foot down when I’m living off them, you know?”

“What don’t they like?”

“I expected it but… it’s awkward if I stay over at Hoseok’s. The first time it happened I let them know I was staying out and my mom basically didn’t talk to me the next day.”

“But… you used to live with a guy… I thought they were all progressive–”

“They are! I don’t think my mom was disgusted, I think she was just awkward. Like she felt like she ought to say I can’t do that but I’m a grown up. I mean, what’s the worst that happens, Hobi knocks me up and I get married? They love him, I don’t think they’d be mad about that,” Alex laughed. 

“Wow, really? Already?”

“Wait, I’m not saying that’ll happen! We’ve only been dating for like… coming up on six months soon, yikes. Anyway, it’s just that, it’s awkward. They don’t know how to ask if I’m going to be home or not and I try to be funny about ‘hey don’t wait up for me’ but then I’ll get text messages at midnight still asking when I’ll be home. And my mom doesn’t like how much time I spend sitting around watching TV.”

“What does she want you doing? It’s not like you aren’t doing anything. You have a good job and a good boyfriend.”

“I know!” Alex cried, throwing her hands up. “I wish you were my mom,” she joked.

“I don’t but thanks, I guess?”

“She thinks I’m getting too fat and she’s worried I don’t have any friends anymore because of breaking up with Jungkook.”

“Well that’s not true, you have me!”

“That’s what I said. You should come to dinner soon. Um… we’ll order food, our kitchen is definitely not kosher… but hey I think it would be great to introduce my parents to other food–”

Rebekah literally patted her head, “Thanks. I’d be happy to come visit and prove to your parents you aren’t a complete loner freak and that you’re actually a moderately capable adult.”

“Ugh.” 

“Speaking of which, are you ready for me to hold your hand while we talk to a scary employee about how to fix your phone? Do I need to be ready to cause a distraction in case we run into Jungkook? Both very mature fears, I assure you–”

“You’ve gotten so mean in five weeks,” Alex laughed. “Wasn’t one of those holidays about penance?” 

Rebekah laughed and nudged her into the Verizon store.

And honestly, Alex did not feel like a mature, capable adult. She was glad Rebekah was with her. The sight of smarmy dudes in denim button ups and black slacks made her instantly aware she had entered his territory, even though he’d still been wearing the polo and khakis when she moved out. Seasonal uniform change, maybe? Actually it was a little less douchey looking, but she avoided picturing him in it and he wouldn’t be here to give a visual anyway. He was still using the Google calendar, which was kind of soft to her even though it just meant he either hadn’t thought of making his own calendar or was too lazy, so she’d been able to confirm he wasn’t working today. Still, she glanced around every employee to make sure he wasn’t one of them.

She startled when a woman approached, nametag Geneva, and asked what she could help them with.

“I busted my phone so I need the screen fixed. Probably I need a whole new phone. And I need to roll off the family plan I’m on right now to my own.”

“Ok, we can definitely help you with all that! Nate… Yes, Nate will help you.”

Alex was handed off to this other guy who she was pretty sure was the stupid guy Jungkook had always complained about. She did not mention that. Instead she answered more questions like that she needed the cheapest good phone possible, that she needed the cheapest solo plan possible, and that the name on the account was Jungkook Jeon.

“Wait, wha?” Nate asked, eyes going wide.

“Yeah, I know he works here–”

“Well then why did you come in now? He’s not on right now, he could hook you up with all of this.”

Geneva had walked away but doubled back at Jungkook’s name and now Alex realized maybe she should have gone to literally any other Verizon store in the world. Why had she come here?! 

“Wait, you’re Jungkook’s roommate?” Geneva asked.

“Um… yeah, I was, but I’m living somewhere else now so I need to get off his family plan.”

Nate was typing into his little employee tablet thing and said, “Well… you’re due for an upgrade on the device, that’s the best deal you’ll get but that’s only if you extend the current plan.”

“I… no, I need to get onto my own plan.”

“Is he paying your phone bill now?” Geneva asked, head tilting. It was such a weird and personal question that Alex also tilted her head and found herself wondering if Jungkook had fucked this woman. Which annoyed her. Because how gross, to have her first thought be did Jungkook fuck this woman and that’s why she’s asking me this weird question because she developed some sort of an attachment to him even if they only had a fling and she wants to know what my business is with him? Or hey, for all she knew, Jungkook had done other shocking things since then and was dating this chick now!

Alex tried to sound like a competent adult and answered, “He is and he shouldn’t be since we live separately now. What’s the best deal I can get for rolling onto my own account?”

“Hm, well… there’s a…” Nate trailed off, scrolling through things. “There is a new account discount with a new device but the discount isn’t as big.”

“Isn’t that kind of weird? Why would I get a bigger discount for staying than as a new customer?”

“Because if we only gave good deals to new customers, people would just bounce,” Geneva pointed out. Was it snippy? It felt snippy to Alex. She looked around for confirmation from Rebekah, but her dear friend who was supposed to support her here had wandered over to watch parents wrangling a toddler throwing a tantrum outside the shop.

“Ok well will I get a better deal than this if I go over to T-mobile?”

“Doubtful and your service will suck,” Nate said. 

With a deep sigh because she knew he was right and it had been a reason she’d moved to Jungkook’s Verizon account in the first place, she said, “OK, whatever. Just give me the best deal you can. Make sure it’s something Jungkook would be ok with you doing to me.”

“Are you moving in with that new guy?” Nate asked. Alex laughed at the shock of the question, at first certain she’d misheard him.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to ask a customer about their private life and also what the hell was he telling you about it?!”

Apparently Nate thought they were buddies now though, because he grinned, “Yeah, I got to hear all about it.”

Geneva scowled at Nate, “Make sure you get the right permissions to make changes to the account though.” Then she walked off. Alex felt like she was missing half of the conversation but it didn’t matter. Probably the woman was in love with Jungkook; who wasn’t? She just needed her phone changed.

Nate nodded, “Yeah, if you want to keep your number I’ll need permission from the primary account holder. Looks like he didn’t give you permission to make changes to the account.”

“That ass,” she tried to joke. “It’s because he just dealt with all the phone stuff.”

“If you can answer security questions it might let me bypass, or we can just call him.”

“What are the security questions?” Alex sighed.

“Uh… where did you and your spouse first meet? He doesn’t have a spouse,” Nate snickered.

Alex ignored the painful cramp in her chest as she guessed, “Ashborne. With an ‘e’ on the end.”

“Uh… yep. Ok, now I need– do you know the pin he put on the account?”

Alex didn’t answer at first, hearing delayed as she tried to not shut down at what was stupid and casual and didn’t mean anything: Ashborne was their hometown. She was the fake spouse. It didn’t mean anything, it was just a joke; maybe they had even joked about it at the time. They made jokes like that sometimes, back in the day, that they were an old married couple. At some point it had stopped being funny, maybe once Alex got tired of being his wife only in jokes, never in any real way– Not that she wanted to be his wife! But the idea of her being his wife as the butt of a joke constantly just got old, especially when part of the joke was that obviously she wasn’t ever going to be his actual wife because she wasn’t romantic or sexual or whatever, she was just the one at home doing the cooking and cleaning while he ran around fucking mistresses or whatever.

But he’d set this phone account up longer ago than that. He’d been on his own plan since he turned eighteen because his parents didn’t want to pay for the data he needed for all the mobile gaming he used to do. How long ago had he set this security question? 

It didn’t matter. What it meant could be anything. He had claimed to be in love with her a month and a half ago so some random security question referencing a casual joke shouldn’t fluster her like this.

“I don’t know the pin,” she admitted. “So I guess um… what are my options? I just buy a new phone with a new number and he’ll have to close this one down?”

Nate waved her frustration off, because she didn’t want to change her number, “We can just call him and he can give me permission to free up the number and I can roll it over to the new account. Ok, do you know what phone you want? Let’s get that done first.”

He had to walk her through a bunch. Actually he was pretty nice about it considering she didn’t know anything about phones. He seemed to take it seriously that she was a friend of Jungkook’s and steered her away from unnecessary features. Jungkook had talked about this guy like he was a total idiot but he seemed nice to her. He even managed to find the teal blue version of the phone she wanted, the last one, in the back.

“Ok, why don’t you call him and he can just tell me the PIN and permission over the phone,” Nate suggested. “He has to release the number first and then I can set you up.”

“Uh…” Alex froze. Rebekah had wandered closer and she looked at Rebekah and asked, “Could you, um… call Jungkook?”

“Me?!”

“I can’t, my phone doesn’t work,” she pointed out, holding her hands up.

“You can call him on my phone,” Rebekah suggested.

“Wait, I don’t want to talk to–”

“I’m not explaining this to him,” Rebekah argued.

Nate looked between them and asked, “What’s uh… the problem? You can call him with our phone…”

“Why don’t you call him?” Alex suggested, smiling and resting her arms on the table, which was a little too low to do elegantly, even for her. “I don’t know all the things you’re needing so you can just ask him yourself.”

“Why, are you avoiding him or something?” Nate asked. With a neutral smile that was either totally fake or totally brainless. 

Alex’s eyes narrowed, “What did he tell you?”

“Nothing. We don’t talk about customers, ma’am.”

“Oh my god,” she gasped. “What did he tell you?!”

But Nate had pulled up his own phone and held it to his ear and held a finger up that he was on a call. Surely Jungkook hadn’t told a random co-worker about the whole confession and space thing… surely he’d just said that Alex was moving out or something because she had her boyfriend? Nate said Jungkook had told him that, but surely not everything. Not that it mattered in the grand scheme of things but… but maybe Nate wasn’t giving her a good deal! 

“Hey JK, listen, I’ve got a customer here who’s on your account and she’s wanting to roll over to her own but she doesn’t have permission to– yep. Yeah, her. How many ladies you got on your account, bro? I’m joking,” Nate grinned at her, “I see it’s only the two lines.”

Rebekah and Alex shared a look; Rebekah covered her mouth not to laugh and Alex glared at the traitor. 

Suddenly he hung up and said, “He said he’ll be right here.”

“Wait what?”

“Yeah apparently he’s on his way in–”

“He’s not supposed to be working today,” she said to Rebekah, grabbing her arm.

And her dear friend rolled her eyes, “Come on, be an adult.”

And that hurt! Because Alex was being an adult! She’d come here to do her own phone thing and figure that out, she just had hoped not to run into Jungkook because… for reasons���

He walked in right as she looked at the door, wearing a white t shirt tucked into the black slacks, his denim button up slung over his arm and a coffee in the other hand. First time Alex had seen him since she moved out. Same face, same hair, same big dark eyes, same nose, same familiar Jungkook who she’d seen most days of her life until five weeks ago. Six? Something?

Truth be told, which she would never admit, her stomach did a very painful twisty thing and her chest felt like it inflated and relief melted her and shock put her on edge and she just felt like that was maybe not a normal way to react to seeing your old friend again. Like that was not how she’d felt after seeing Rebekah again after a few years apart. That wasn’t how she’d felt seeing her parents when she’d come home from college the first time.

Honestly, the thing it felt closest to was the first time she’d seen Yoongi after they broke up. That same twist of pain and regret and anger and distress and impossible longing. For friendship! Friend longing!

“Hey,” he said, and the smile was in his eyes before it reached his mouth. “Heard you’re bailing on our family plan?”

“Trying to,” she forced out. 

“Uh… ok…” He pursed his lips and then admitted, “It’s going to be more expensive for each of us but I get it.”

“I know but I need a new phone.”

“What happened to it? It’s not that old.”

She gestured to it on the counter and explained, “Took a swim in milk and then I uh, kind of threw it on accident and the screen shattered and it smells real funky…”

“You’re up for a renewal and she could get a new one,” Nate tattled, “I told her it’s cheaper to stay than to go.”

Jungkook actually laughed, a sort of below the breath snort, and then greeted, “Hey Rebekah, should have known you were an accomplice.”

“What? Me?! I’m just here for moral support!”

“Oh, am I that scary?” he joked.

Alex intervened, “No, I just don’t know shit about phones, you always handled it.”

“Yeah. What are you getting?” He glanced at the box and seemed to deem it fine, then said, “I really don’t care if you stay on the plan and you can keep venmoing me money but I get it if you want to roll off. Up to you.”

“That’s weird though. If I stayed on.”

“It’s a $10 difference a month, it’s not a big deal either way,” Jungkook told her. “Hundred twenty bucks a year… renewing will save you like… does it work out to $200 savings on the new phone? Fifty buck difference to just getting your own plan.” Jungkook asked Nate, who looked impressed. Clearly Jungkook knew his shit at work. But obviously he did, Alex knew that, he was a really good employee.

“Ok but I still should do it.”

“Ok, that’s fine, I just wanted you to know if you want to save the money you don’t have to– You need me to release the number?” Jungkook asked Nate, not waiting for her to confirm it again. He recited a pin number for Nate –0901, which she should have been able to guess–, looked over Nate’s shoulder, then nodded.

“Ok I’ve got a bunch of questions I’ll need to ask you now,” Nate warned her. “And I’ll have to run a quick credit check and–”

“Wait, what? A credit check?”

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal, it won’t ding your credit or anything.”

“Ok…”

Jungkook patted Nate’s arm, “I’m going to clock in, I’ll be back in case you need anything else from me–”

“Wait a minute,” Alex said without thinking. Then, to cover that she didn’t know why she’d said that, she added, “Why are you even working today? I thought you, uh–”

“Ah, you checked so you could try to avoid me.”

“No! I… maybe…” His crooked grin was annoying. She worried she was hurting him by doing this even though it was the right thing to do. She worried he was hurt rather than understanding about her trying to avoid him. She worried she had lost some of her immunity to that smile; she felt a space between them that had never existed before and she didn’t like it, even though she knew it was right. 

“I just didn’t want you to be upset about the uh, phone thing…”

“Nah, it’s fine, I get it. Uh… how are you doing otherwise? Both of you?” he asked between the two of them.

Rebekah nodded and smiled, “Mm-hm! Great!”

“Yeah. Yeah, things are um, good. How are you doing?”

“Really good,” he told her, and smiled from the other side of the canyon. “Living with your parents going ok?”

“Yeah, mostly… I mean, you know, it’s kinda weird but kinda nice. I see your parents a lot.”

“Yeah, I know, more than I do,” he laughed. “They told me you’re a more dutiful son right now.”

“You don’t have to stay away from family dinners or anything.”

“Yeah, you either. Or friend gatherings or anything,” he insisted. “I hope you aren’t just to avoid me.”

“No, of course not,” she lied. “Things aren’t like that.”

“Yeah, I mean you can’t just give me everyone in the divorce, I did not agree to that.”

She laughed but hated the sound of it and stopped as she assured him, “Right, sorry, I’ll stop being such an absent parent. Support payments must not be clearing… I’ve just been busy, that’s all, we’ll be at a thing together again soon. I mean at the same time.”

“I knew what you meant,” he assured her. Nose scrunch. “I’ve gotta clock in, I’m covering for someone. Didn’t put it on the calendar since I didn’t realize you were still checking–”

“No, I’m really not, I just–”

“It’s cool. I get it. It’s not like I go to your coffee shop either. K, I gotta go. Nate, hook her up or I’m stealing your customers.”

“I am!” Nate complained. “You’re the one keeping me from getting her account set up right now.” 

“Good to see you!” Jungkook called over his shoulder with a weird sort of over-the-shoulder salute, thumb and first two fingers extended, something between a wave and a peace sign and a thumb’s up. She’d seen him do that before. A casual goodbye to guy friends, that was how he used that. 

Fuck she sighed under her breath and turned her full attention to Nate so they could wrap up.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Rebekah said and abandoned her. 

Alex felt like she might shit her pants for the rest of the appointment that now felt like it was taking a thousand years. Jungkook’s shift started while she was still stuck there, which meant she could hear his voice and sense his presence as he greeted a young couple and worked with them at a nearby counter. He sounded so professional, so charming in a non-skeevy way. She’d never actually just heard him working before and wondered if he was laying it on thick because she was there, and realized he probably was not and did not care that she was there. From what she could see, the whole thing was behind him. He was so unbothered, he didn’t mind if she stayed on his phone plan. If he loved her, wouldn’t that be excruciating?

She lit out of there without even a wave as soon as her new phone was set up, and was just about to call Rebekah and demand evacuation rescue when her friend sidled up to her again and handed her a soft pretzel.

“They aren’t kosher!” Alex gasped and Rebekah assured her, “I just wanted a coke, thought you could use a snack.”

“Thank you, I forgive you for abandoning me.”

“Abandoning you! I thought you were doing fine! Nate had you taken care of, Jungkook made sure of it. New phone all set?”

Alex started to walk so no one in Verizon store could watch the way she was about to deep throat this pretzel. No cheese but that was fine, cheese would slow her down. 

“Yes and I survived talking to Jungkook.”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“No, I know,” Alex said, instantly flushed at feeling like Rebekah was saying she was dramatic and stupid. “I just meant… it’s kind of awkward and I hadn’t seen him in a long time, that’s all. Since…”

“I don’t think you need to feel awkward about anything,” Rebekah assured her.

“I just feel bad, you know?” 

“Because he told you he was in love with you and you don’t feel the same?” Rebekah bluntly demanded. Alex had not directly said that to anyone but apparently Jungkook had blabbed some details about it at the birthday party while drunk. According to Minxi, the common knowledge was that he had admitted he thought he had feelings for Alex but she wasn’t interested and didn't feel comfortable living with him anymore so she moved out. Which was harsh, but mostly true… just like it was kind of true what Jungkook had said, that maybe she was avoiding more than just him. She just felt like some of them were more Jungkook’s friends than hers, or that they wouldn’t understand why she didn’t just ditch the outsider and give a relationship with Jungkook a shot. Would they? She was afraid to ask. But she’d always felt like they doted on him, like he was their baby brother, like he could get away with murder, and now she was someone not giving him what he allegedly wanted. She’d rather not set herself up to get kicked out.

“Yeah….”

“I don’t think you need to feel bad about that, you should just make sure you aren’t making a bigger deal out of it than you need to.”

“You mean– what do you mean?” Alex asked skeptically and then shoved pretzel into her mouth.

“I mean ok you moved out, that’s fine, if you weren’t comfortable. But if you’re avoiding everyone–”

“I’m not,” she lied, mouth full of lying pretzel.

“Ok, well don’t. Especially since…”

Alex choked the bite down and asked, “Especially since what?”

“I don’t know… ok I didn’t know whether I should say anything because I don’t know if it’s true but I don’t know if I’m a better friend to tell you or not to tell you… but since you aren’t in love with him back, maybe I should tell you because maybe it’ll help you not feel bad and–”

“Uh you definitely have to tell me whatever you’re now being incredibly cryptic about,” Alex interjected. She felt the pretzel rising back up her throat. “What are you talking about right now?”

“It’s not something I know for sure so I don’t want to gossip but I especially don’t want to hurt you…”

“You’re not, but it’s a bad friend thing to keep secrets–”

“Ok…” 

Alex grabbed her arm and plopped down on a mall bench and stared into her soul while chewing furiously on the pretzel. “You got gossip? I love gossip. Lay it on me,” she said, hoping casual would do the trick.

“I just think… he might be dating someone…”

Alex was pretty sure the next three seconds were an out of body experience.

“Oh?” she asked with a voice that was not hers. “Why do you think that? He’s bringing someone around? Like just a new roommate or–”

“Well, you know he’s living with Namjoon now and–”

“Wait, what?! He moved out of the apartment?!”

“Um…”

“Sorry, sorry go on,” Alex insisted. It was shocking that her plan to cut herself out of the loop and disengage with information her friends might share meant she was out of the loop and unaware of the information her friends might have shared. 

“Yeah he moved in with Namjoon a few weeks ago. He was introducing this woman around at your joint birthday party, the one you missed, but I didn’t know if they came together, but then I definitely saw them leave together and also– well he might have left with two girls? But he was really drunk, I don’t know… Anyway, I guess he’s hanging out with this one girl a lot though and it just was interesting to me because usually he doesn’t hang out with the same woman right? I wasn’t at Namjoon’s party so I don’t know if he brought her to that. I noticed you didn’t go–.”

“Two women!?”

“Ok I don’t know if he took two home, maybe they were just helping him walk? I wouldn’t have thought about it except that he’s still hanging out with one of them… I don’t know! You would know better, if he’s the kind of guy who would do something like that…”

“How do you know they’ve been hanging out?” Alex asked before she could decide the question sounded too nosy. Two girls?! No. No way. Jungkook hadn’t ever had a threesome though he’d made plenty of longing comments about it so if he did for his birthday, like, good for him, but it shouldn’t happen while he was super drunk, that was shady. Oh god that made her feel kind of sick to her stomach… no, that hadn’t happened, she decided. Women were always handsy with him, it didn’t mean he’d fucked two women at the same time in their apartment right after.

God, if two women were willing to fuck Jungkook in a threesome, there was no way in hell he’d turn that down. It may have happened. He may have been having a threesome while she was sick at home, feeling sorry for herself.

“Uh well he’s been on her instagram a few times –please don’t ask me how I know that,” Rebekah flinched.  

“Oh my god you’re such a busybody!” Alex gasped as if she wasn’t fighting the urge to whip out her phone and redownload the app right now. Her voice was too loud. Oops.  

“I know,” Rebekah wailed. “I want to say I’m just a good friend but also he’s hot and I just spend a lot of time on instagram, ok? I know he fucks around and leaving with someone from the birthday party if he’s heartbroken over you, that makes sense to me. She may just be a rebound… I thought the way he was introducing her was weirder than him leaving with her but I don’t know, maybe it was nothing! They could just be friends!”

Rebekah was watching her with transparent concern.

Alex laughed. And rolled her eyes. And swallowed the last bite of her pretzel and insisted,

“Come on, don’t be all weird and worried. I told you a thousand times, I have no romantic feelings for him. If he’s seeing someone that is shocking because this is Jungkook but… great! That’s great! Good for– If he’s seeing someone– maybe he was just finally ready to start settling down I guess!”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. Is it right that I told you that?” 

Alex nodded, “Yes, thank you. It does make me feel better. Maybe his feelings for me weren’t even that serious– what did you say the woman’s name is? Someone I know?”

“Anita? Do you–”

“Ah! Anita. Yes.”

“Yes?”

“We had a double date together to the arcade–”

“Oh! I didn’t realize that was the same– oh. Ok. Maybe they are then…”

“Yeah, maybe they are,” Alex agreed. “That’s great.”

So great. Really great. Really fucking great for Jungkook to already be over her. Already replaced. No wonder he could be so magnanimous about the phone thing. Maybe he had a new girlfriend.  

That was great!

“Thanks for telling me, Bek. And thanks for coming. And thanks for watching out for me. Sounds like I can stop beating myself up about breaking his heart,” Alex said. “I’ll venmo you for the pretzel.”

“Now I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“What?! Why? I’m glad you did! I deleted instagram from my phone so I wouldn’t even know and no one says anything to me. I wish you’d told me earlier!”

“Ok. Ok good then, I’m glad I told you if you’re glad! Do you have to go home right away or can we wander over to Primark?”

“Yeah, let’s shop,” Alex agreed even though she really just wanted to go home and think about this and instagram stalk.

Jungkook dating?

No way.

But yes way? Anita was nice. She’d handled his tantrum on the arcade date well. If he was going to date someone, Alex could maybe almost give approval for her…

But really? Didn’t this mean he hadn’t really loved her? You didn’t just–

Unless you were rebounding–

She was thinking about this too much. It didn’t matter. She’d made her choice! That was great for him! He could do whatever he wanted –dating, threesomes, orgies, whatever!

And Alex could pretend to be really glad to hear this!

Jungkook fidgeted with the rings on his fingers and checked his watch again. Anita was supposed to have met him here fifteen minutes ago and now wasn’t answering her phone. He hated that. Yes, he did that sometimes, but he disliked it in other people. Almost as much as he disliked being called, which was the next thing she did.

“Yello?”

“Hey I’m running late–”

“No shit.”

“I’ll be there soon, you can go in and have a drink, I’ll meet you inside.”

“If I go in here alone I might get mobbed.”

“Great, you’ll enjoy the attention.”

“Not the kind of attention I’m looking for,” he grumbled, annoyed that she was right, he would be flattered. He pocketed his phone and decided to head inside, noting the rainbow glow of the sign on his shirt as he showed the doorman his ID and passed through. The bright colors just made him feel already tired, like he was stepping into a rave past his bedtime. 

To be clear, Jungkook was perfectly fine in a gay bar. He didn’t frequent them often, but he’d been before, no big deal. And literally no one had hit on him, which he suspected would be the case this time as well. Sure, he didn’t really feel like talking to anyone right now or declining attention, but he also wasn’t feeling up to the blow to his ego of being completely ignored. It still hadn’t recovered from losing out Employee of the month to fucking Nate. What the fuck happened there?!

He tried to look unavailable as he went to the bar and ordered a drink so at least he wouldn’t be empty handed. The place was sort of embarrassingly quiet on a Tuesday night; the Halloween decorations strung around the place looked tacky with only half a dozen well-behaved people circling around high tops. The music felt too quiet for a bar but louder would have been annoying. 

Ok, Jungkook was just cranky lately. He’d try to not subject Anita to that. He settled in at a stool on the end of the bar and pulled out his phone to look for something to amuse himself. Cats weren’t doing it for him but some parrots screaming into bowls and cups were good even though he couldn’t really hear the audio over the music.

Hairs on the back of his neck prickled as if someone was watching him and he felt the heaviness of someone drawing close. Assuming it was Anita finally here, he looked up to tease her, but it wasn’t her so he looked back down.

And then looked back.

And then, “Uh… May?”

“Oh my god.”

“You–”

“Hey tian xin,” Minxi sidled up to May with a drink extended and then actually yelped at the sight of Jungkook.

“Holy shit!” Jungkook gasped.

“Holy shit you!” May cried. “Are you–”

“No wait are you– are you two dating?!” he gestured rapidly between them even though obviously they were because there was definitely something in Minxi’s voice when she’d said whatever that was in Chinese and–

“Are you gay?!” May shrieked. “What are you doing in a gay bar?!”

“You’re gay,” Jungkook said, wide eyed. Then, “Holy shit, nobody knows. Does Alex know?”

“No she doesn’t know!” May hissed as Minxi shirked her shoulders and grimaced at Jungkook, looking like she’d pay good money to be literally anywhere but here.

“And dating her friend?!”

“Well does she know you’re–”

“Hey sorry I’m so fucking late,” Anita gasped, stumbling directly into the little scene and then stopping short. “Oh, um.”

“Ok I am so fucking confused. Is this your girlfriend? Are you gay? What the fuck is going on?” May demanded.

“Yeah, Minxi, May, I could say the same fucking thing–”

“Oh boy what did I just walk into,” Anita mumbled and took a dramatic step backwards.

“Why don’t we uh… go to a table,” Minxi suggested. When nobody moved, she just turned and walked away. May and Jungkook stared at each other a moment longer, then Jungkook followed, grabbing Anita’s arm and dragging her along. 

“Wait, let me get a drink!”

“There’s table service,” May called over her shoulder.

“Oh, really? I’ve never been here before…”

At the table, May whipped around with the same interrogative energy her sister so easily displayed and demanded, “Explain yourself.”

“Well that’s just not something you can demand–”

“Wait, is the whole fuckboy thing a lie? Or you’re bi–”

“I’m not bi,” Jungkook sighed, “Just… straight. Which I feel really awkward admitting right now in a gay bar… thanks for outing me…”

“So you are dating though,” Minxi said, gesturing between him and Anita.

Immediately Jungkook frowned, “Who says we’re dating?”

“Uh… it’s what everyone thinks?” Minxi answered. She seemed started by Jungkook’s response.

“Who thinks that? Alex thinks that?” He was already sweating but felt a shade of cold added to it. “Why? Who said that?”

“So you’re not dating?” May clarified.

“No, we aren’t dating.”

“I mean we fucked for a while,” Anita helpfully offered. “But I think I might be a lesbian? Or bi? I don’t really know…”

“Oh! Welcome,” Minxi grinned.

“Welcome to… being gay?” Jungkook repeated, head spinning, just confused. “Ok, but wait… fuck, I have so many questions right now.”

May sighed and set her drink down. She closed her eyes, then slowly opened them while Minxi just looked at her with concern. Her hand was on May’s lower back.

“I know what you are,” he mumbled under his breath, memes always on hand at a moment like this.

“Yeah,” May said. “I’m a lesbian. That’s my secret, there you go.”

“But…” He trailed off. “But the banker dude you were dating…”

“Uh, I do social media for a bank,” Minxi said with a laugh.

“Yeah, ok, I haven’t felt comfortable yet coming out to my family,” May admitted. “But I needed my mom to stop trying to introduce me to guys or thinking I couldn’t meet someone on my own, so…”

“But they won’t care,” Jungkook said. “Do you think they will? They’ve never seemed…” He trailed off, realizing maybe he didn’t really know about their parents. Sometimes parents could seem perfectly open-minded and supportive as long as it wasn’t their own child pushing the envelope. “Alex and Edgar won’t care. You think your parents will?”

“I don’t know! They’re not crazy strict but they have an idea about how our lives will go and this was never part of that so… I don’t know. And now you know so I guess it’s time to–”

“Woah,” Jungkook cut her off, “I don’t matter. I’m not saying a word to anyone, that’s your business to share.”

“Even Alex?”

Jungkook made a face and lifted his beer before muttering, “Well, you must be out of the loop…”

“Obviously I’m not, she’s living with my parents again, moping around like a teenager that got dumped even though she’s got a perfectly good boyfriend who’s obsessed with her for some reason I sure can’t figure out.”

Jungkook’s teeth clicked as he bit down on the bottle. It was a stupid thing to do, he hadn’t meant to do that. It was an automatic dumb thing his brain did at this unexpected information chucked at him in the void of any other knowledge. He had no fucking clue how Alex was doing. She’d said she was doing great at the phone store so why wouldn’t he believe her? She’d gotten everything she wanted.

“She um… she’s not doing ok?”

“Would you be if you moved back home?”

“Oh, yeah, right. Right, that’s what you meant…”

“Why, what did you think I meant?” May asked with obvious glee. Only then did Jungkook realize that even May must know about his confession –and that it wasn’t even because Alex had told her, it had probably been Minxi. Her secret girlfriend.

“Let’s talk about how you’re dating Alex’s sister and didn’t tell anyone,” he shifted and pointed at Minxi. “For how long?”

“About six months,” Minxi mumbled into her drink. “But hey, I couldn’t say anything without outing May!”

“We didn’t even know you’re a lesbian. Does Alex know?”

“Look, let’s just all take a moment and embrace the fact that Alex never knows shit about anything,” May insisted. “She didn’t know we’re gay and dating. She didn’t know you’re in love with her. She sure as fuck doesn’t know she’s in love with you. The only thing she does know–”

“Wait what did you say–”

“--is that you two are dating? She might think that? Couldn’t say, Minxi’s the one who told me that gossip but Alex has been extra prickly lately so. Dunno.”

“Yeah, who started the rumor I have a girlfriend? What, days after I confessed to Alex?!” Jungkook asked, but Minxi shrugged. He didn’t think she was the likely source anyway. He tried to think through each friend… but it was so absurd, he couldn’t figure out who would make that assumption and not just ask him about it.

“Could she be fighting with Hoseok? Is that why she’s mopey?” Anita asked, leaning forward on the table with enough interest you would think she was already intimately connected to the friend group. In several ways she was, though not the way Jungkook was now being accused of.

“Ok ok we don’t know, no one here knows, that’s Alex’s business,” Jungkook interrupted before Minxi or May could say anything. Because suddenly this was too much, what May was dumping on the table in front of him. And she had no proof. May had always been kind of a bitch who liked to stir up trouble for Alex, so for all he knew, she was just saying these things to be a bitch. She might take a little too much joy in her sister’s suffering right now but there was no actual reason to believe that suffering was anything more than a sadness at the loss of his friendship. Or like a normal not-relationship-ending fight with her boyfriend. Or a bad day at work.

Besides, she’s said something else much more important, so he scratched his neck and asked casually, “Why um… but why did you say that thing about…”

May sighed and rolled her eyes, “Just ask the question. This is a safe space.”

She could say that, but May wasn’t safe the way Alex was. She’d say whatever she wanted even if it hurt. Maybe that part had been made up to, just to stir up shit. He didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of her. She’d use it against him, she’d never let it go, she’d–

She kept glancing at Minxi, and clicking her nails on her glass, and her leg bouncing was what kept shaking the table. Suddenly he felt like she was offering him information as a trade, which he didn’t like at all. Did she think she could trade Alex’s personal business for a promise Jungkook would keep his mouth closed? Well that sucked in both directions if so. It wasn’t necessary at all. He’d never betray someone’s privacy like that, ever.

He decided to reiterate, “I meant what I said. I’m not going to tell anyone you’re gay or that you’re dating Minxi. I don’t think anyone will care but that’s your private business– ohhh wait, that’s why you went to the Kings of Leon concert with us! I wondered why you came. Damn, no one thought anything about that. You really kept your secret right under our noses.”

“Yeah, I’m good at that and you’re oblivious,” May snapped.

“Ha. Well. You got me there…”

He shared a look with Anita and sipped his beer. Damn Alex was so much cooler than her sister.

“Well,” Anita tried, “I just think if I could make it to twenty-nine and not realize I like fucking women, then I can understand why it would take someone a while to realize they’re in love with their best friend.”

Minxi eagerly nodded, “Yeah, I understand it too. I mean we aren’t that different, I’ve known May for a long time through Alex–”

“Yeah but you kind of always wanted to fuck me,” May grinned at her. It was truly wild to hear her talk like that and to Minxi! Jungkook desperately wanted Alex here seeing this. Thank fuck he didn’t live with her actually because he obviously couldn’t reveal May’s secret but this was quite a thing to have to keep secret from his (previously) best friend. Easy peasy when she wasn’t talking to him anyway.

“I did,” Minxi admitted. Then huffed and elbowed her. “Stop it, don’t embarrass me… and don’t think that’s the only reason I was friends with Alex because it’s not,” she quickly added, pointing at Jungkook. He held his hand up and made a face, gesturing he did not accuse her of that.

Anita was clearly glad to turn the conversation more towards her own reason for being here though and mused, “I always thought I’d be down, but I just thought I was just curious… isn’t everyone curious what it’s like to have sex with women? And I’ve had fun sex with men so…”

Minxi’s smile was so wise and sisterly as she encouraged, “You don’t have to choose, you know.” Jungkook felt like he was definitely seeing a new side to her. He’d always just thought of her as Alex’s nice but kind of quiet, nerdy friend.

“Yeah… I don’t really know where I am for real but I am definitely not straight. Right?” She glanced at Jungkook for confirmation.

Jungkook snickered, “That’s not my decision!” Good. This was good. Go along with the detour and then steer it back and it would keep him from looking too desperate to figure out if May was talking shit or if she knew something.

“I had sex with a woman,” she explained suddenly to May and Minxi. Her new lesbian friends. Jungkook began to wonder if maybe he was no longer needed here but he stayed anyway because fuck if he was leaving without finding out what May had meant. 

“And you liked it?” May guessed. “There’s not a test you have to pass. If you think you’re gay, you’re gay, congrats.”

“Yeah. Thanks. I think? I don’t know, maybe it’s just her… I thought maybe if I met another woman I like, it would help me understand myself more and whether it’s just that woman or all women or what. I don’t think it’s that woman though. I mean, she was great but I don’t really want to date her…”

“That’s why you two are here on a Tuesday night? You’re wingmanning for her?” May laughed.

“Yeah. Believe it or not I am a great ally.”

“Yeah, yeah, I believe it actually,” May waved her hand at him. 

“We thought it might be too busy and stressful on the weekend,” Anita admitted, but looked shy about it now. “Like maybe on a Tuesday night, I could meet someone more, um, serious or something? I don’t know…”

“Well Anita who I don’t know, you want some sage lesbian advice from the girl who’s too chicken to come out to her own family?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t worry about whether it’s one woman or lots of women or what. It doesn’t matter. Once you know you want someone, just shoot your shot and see where it gets you. For instance, don’t wait until she’s in love with your replacement before you–”

“Ok ok,” Jungkook sighed, and leaned away and motioned towards himself, “Fine. Let’s have it.”

“Did you really really really tell my sister you’re in love with her?” May demanded. “LIke that’s not just a rumor, that’s actually a thing that happened that apparently exploded your entire friend group.”

Jungkook let out a deep sigh and then admitted for a laugh, “I drunkenly kissed her first and then I said it. And then I said it again and we had a fight about it. And then I said it again but real mature, and she moved out the next day.”

“Fuck,” May laughed. “That is the saddest and funniest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah, well…” He laughed too. He wanted to laugh about it. That made it feel a little less raw. 

“And you meant it?”

The question brought him up short. His brow scrunched together, whole face briefly serious as he insisted to May, “Yeah, I meant it. Why would I say it if I didn’t?”

“I don’t know–”

“Why would I do something that made my best friend cry her eyeballs out, move out of our home, cut me completely out of her life–”

“Ok ok geez, I get it. Well what took you so long to figure it out? Because honestly you guys have been disgustingly obvious–”

“We haven’t been though,” he argued. “We were just easy with each other. It was always so easy, I just didn’t question it, and it’s not like she was flirting with intentions or anything–”

May growled low in her throat, “I’ve never been a very good sister so I’ll just be a shitty one now too and say it: if you really couldn’t tell she’s been in love with you since like forever, you’re literally the dumbest person I have ever met in my life.”

“I…” He didn’t know what to say to that. Hope and doubt warred in his chest. He couldn't trust anyone saying anything with such confidence when Alex herself had told him the opposite, and yet her own sister said it so confidently! But Alex didn’t know May was gay (haha, it rhymed!) so how could May possibly have any real insight into feelings that Alex herself may or may not have, may or may not realize, may or may not want to admit, and definitely didn’t want to act on.

“Wow,” May mused. “You’re really that dumb. I can see every thought on your face–”

“How can you know that? You two aren’t exactly close.”

“I’m just telling you what I see.”

“Well she said the opposite pretty clearly.”

“I’ll be honest,” Anita butted in, “if I’d been in love with you for years and had to watch you move through women like water and not even consider me, I’d hate you too–”

“But it wasn’t about not considering her! It was just that she was… not like that… untouchable–”

“Fuck,” all three women said at the same time.

“NO not like that! Not interested, not available, not– just too good for someone like me and–”

“Calm down, will you? You’re shouting. We only do that on Wednesdays and Fridays in here.”

But Jungkook’s head was spinning because honestly that was even worse than believing she just didn’t return his feelings. Not that it was the first time someone had suggested it but Alex had always so loudly, vocally shut it down, and he’d believed her. Now, May speaking so confidently terrified him, because what if it was true? What if Alex didn’t hate him because he’d confessed feelings and been all clingy once she had a boyfriend, but because she’d actually always wanted to be that woman for him and he’d–

Fuck. He’d fucked around for years. He’d made no secret of how often he slept with women. He’d flaunted it. It was a point of pride for him, a running joke with their friends. He’d told Alex shit about it all the time to make her laugh because she was so unbothered by it but what if she wasn’t so unbothered by it and instead she was dying inside the way he’d died inside every time she told him about Hoseok?!

Jungkook groaned and slumped forward on the table, pressing his face right down on the sticky top. He deserved it. The brief flicker of hope May had given him fizzled out into abject despair. That was worse. The thought he might have been hurting Alex for years was worse than anything.

“She never cared,” he mumbled into his elbow. Then before anyone could say anything, he beat them to it, “I’m the biggest idiot who ever lived.”

“Yeah pretty much–”

“May,” Minxi scolded. “Come on, you’re being too mean.”

“He’s the one who said it!”

“You’re not the biggest idiot,” Minxi argued. “Just a medium idiot. I don’t know if May’s right but I wouldn’t be surprised either. You two were always something special and it was really sweet but it did seem like she had started to resent your behavior more. But no one could say anything about it either, she was so protective of you and your lifestyle and everything, like you could do no wrong. I was glad when she met Hoseok because she seems so happy with him.”

“Oh yeah, Minx, that was way better,” May laughed. 

Jungkook sat up with a sigh. Looking back, he couldn’t pinpoint times, but yeah, Minxi might be right about that too. Not that he and Alex fought a lot but it seemed like they argued more –like about the wedding.

“It’s ok,” Jungkook assured her. “I get it. I fucked up.”

“Ok then my last question is, what are you doing about it? Why did you give up so easily?”

“Because I was being an asshole,” he immediately answered. “I wanted her to break up with Hoseok but –yeah, it was a bad look. I didn’t give up, but I told her how I feel and now I’m giving her the space she wants. She knows where to find me if she changes her mind.”

“Good boy,” Anita smiled and patted his hand. He rolled his eyes.

“Ok well I can’t argue with Minxi, she does seem pretty happy with Hoseok and you were an idiot, but I think you’ve proven by now that making her jealous doesn’t motivate her so if that’s what you were trying to do with people thinking you’re dating–”

“That’s not it,” Jungkook insisted. “I’m not playing a game. I don’t know why anyone thinks I’m suddenly dating. I can have a friend I don’t want to date!”

“Like Alex?” Anita suggested, then covered her mouth and laughed, “Sorry! It was too perfect not to say.”

“Shut up…”

“I’m not saying hound her. I don’t know why my sister does the things she does or makes the choices she makes, maybe she’s made her choice and she’s happy with it,” May admitted, with a shrug. “She’s always been weird, I don’t know. I just mean, she’s really stubborn and you put her in a bad situation to have to change her mind, so just make it easy. I don’t know, she’s grumpy this week, maybe just send her a nice no-pressure thing to remind her you exist…”

“Is she fighting with Hoseok?” Jungkook asked, trying not to sound eager.

“Ok I really don’t know. You are the person she talked to most about anything going on in her life. Who’s replaced you? I don’t think anyone has,” May admitted. “Hoseok? I don’t know. I don’t know what to make of that guy. He’s nice but…”

“Ooh are you going to trash talk the boyfriend?” Anita gasped.

“No, don’t do that,” Jungkook insisted. “I don’t want to hear it. Forget I asked.”

“All right.”

They sipped drinks for a minute. Jungkook’s mind was humming but also completely tripped up. Don’t harass her but make it easy on her… to change her mind? To choose him instead of Hoseok? That’s what he was trying to do, but she was avoiding him! The only time he’d seen her at all was when he just happened to be at the phone store –granted, he was avoiding any friend gathering she might go to after she missed the birthday party because he didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t go. But there hadn’t been much. 

Ok. He’d think about this… once he was past the shock of it. Of May saying Alex might have been in love with him while he just brutalized her heart basically –not about May being gay and dating Minxi, he was already over that, that was so much less important. 

May laughed again and shook her head, “Can’t believe you’re just dumb… gay would have been a better explanation.”

“Ok, May, thanks.”

“Look everyone else might be dancing around this whole thing but I’ll always give it to you straight.”

“Speaking of giving it–”

“Don’t make a crude joke–”

“I think you should give your sister a chance,” Jungkook suggested. “Even if you aren’t ready to be totally out, you know she’ll love and support you, yeah? And she’s good to have in your corner, if you’re really worried about your parents.”

“Yeah. She is. I know.”

“That was unusually nice for you to admit–”

Minxi interrupted, “Ok Anita, it's your turn, let’s hear what’s going on with you and this woman who opened your eyes. She was really that good?”

“Ok she’s not that good,” Jungkook snorted.

“You already knew you were straight so how do you know?”

“Ok ok sorry, carry on.”

“Wait, you fucked this woman too?” May asked, suddenly looking more interested. “Minxi, did you fuck her?! Who owns this magical pussy?”

Minxi just closed her eyes and shook her head which Jungkook thought summed up this Tuesday night very well.

In a pure coincidence, Alex had already heard the news, because she followed a link to a funny tweet from a Buzzfeed article and it refreshed her Twitter feed that she didn’t check ever anymore and one of the top Tweets in her timeline was from the arcade with the big announcement: We will be closing our doors on November 5. Come redeem your tickets while you can!

It was like a lightning bolt to the face from the gods. She was struck dumb by this tweet and the combined knowledge that Jungkook had tickets to spend, that he wouldn’t have enough to get the prizes he wanted because they’d stopped going to the arcade, that he had bought a dog and then she’d promptly friend-dumped him, and that after November 5th the opportunity to ever reconcile and finish earning those tickets together and buy the Slushee machine for their shared apartment would be truly and completely lost forever. This felt decidedly more final than the fact that neither of them lived in that apartment anymore. For all she knew, he’d junked the dog. 

The tweet left her immobilized in bed for some time. Should she text him? Should she let it go? Maybe he hadn’t seen. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe the arcade wasn’t anything important to him now. If he was dating Anita, maybe he didn’t even play games– ok, no, he definitely still played games. She could see him dating Anita and living life without Alex but video games were in his deep heart, he’d never give those up completely. But it didn’t mean he cared about the arcade. Or maybe he just didn’t know. Maybe she’d text him about it and he’d be like yeah we should go and say goodbye. But was that bad? 

Alex sat up in bed. Should they do that? Go say goodbye to the arcade? No, because it was an important thing about their friendship but yes, too, right? She didn’t hate Jungkook. He didn’t hate her. Their friendship was a precious thing to her and this was the death of a mutual friend and they should be able to bid that friend farewell without it being an issue. She’d just text him. She’d see what he said and if he didn’t care maybe she’d still just, like, drive by on her own or something and wave at the building.

Oh god that was so sad. It was so sad that the arcade was closing. Even though she hadn’t been in months now, that was so fucking sad for it to be done.

She pressed her phone to her mouth and debated. What if Jungkook read into it too much? How could she say they should say farewell without making it sound like she was looking for something more? Or what if he wanted to bring Anita? She’d be hurt. She wasn’t going to bring Hoseok. Wait, should she take Hoseok? Double date repeat?

Her phone buzzed against her mouth.

[JK]: hey arcade is closing down on the 5th

He beat her to it! Alex’s heart leapt into her throat as she jerked backwards against the pillows and texted back, thumbs tapping furiously against her phone.

[Alex]: I just saw the news!! How sad!!!

[Alex]: guess they couldn’t stay afloat when hot girl [me] stopped going

[JK]: the fact you clarified 

[JK]: you barely spent any money there

[JK]: I was funding that place!

[Alex]: hope you can live with the blood on your hands

As soon as she sent it, she realized the fucked up implications though. He stopped going because she left. It wasn’t really his fault, it was hers, and the fact he hadn’t simply been taking Anita or some other girl instead of her barely soothed the awkward thing she’d just poked her finger in.

[JK]: actually I want to return to the scene of the crime one last time and get my fucking slushee machine

[Alex]: 😱

[Alex]: do you even have enough tickets? Sure Namjoon is stoked for a slushee machine

Ok. Ok fine she was fishing. A nauseating fear seized her chest as she found herself deadlocked. She should ask. She should be the one to suggest it. But suggesting it… was it a bad idea? How would she explain to Hoseok that actually she was going to go hang out with Jungkook after all… just this one time… 

[JK]: I’m close on tickets

[JK]: I’m going there that night to earn the rest and get it 

Oh my god just ask me… should I ask?... I should just ask it’s not a big deal…

[JK]: let me know if you want to meet up for one last arcade night 

[JK]: if not it’s cool maybe I’ll still let you have a slushee next time you’re at Namjoon’s

[Alex]: Namjoon’s? Isn’t it your place too now that you live there?

[Alex]: but yeah, ok I’ll go

He put a thumbs up on her message but didn’t respond, which was fine with her because her heart was hammering in her chest like she was doing something wrong. But she wasn’t! This was a unique thing! Going to play games with him and say goodbye to the arcade would just be a temporary break in the space, like a truce between warring mob families because the pizza place they both loved and warred over burned to the ground. 

Oh god, she couldn’t make it make sense. She had to just lay there in bed and breathe for a moment because a weird clashing of excitement and terror seized her. And it made no sense! It was just going to the arcade with Jungkook! Her friend of forever! The guy she’d practically pissed herself over running into at the mall and now she was already figuring out what to wear that would make her look happy and cool but not too cool that he’d think she changed into a different person or had thought too much about what to wear.

Ok. No, this was fine. It was normal to be relieved and happy to get to hang out with a friend you’d had a major falling out with but hoped to have a low key friendship again with someday! And she had loved going to the arcade with him so it would be fun. And maybe once they could re-establish contact, she wouldn’t have to miss him so damn much, because she could just check in when she needed to. It was cool. Everything was cool.

Everything was not cool. Alex stood by the counter, arms crossed, simmering with annoyance as Hoseok stood by the oven, looking exactly the same.

“I told you about this party weeks ago,” Hoseok argued. 

“But you didn’t tell me what day it was,” Alex argued. 

“I did, I told you the fifth and you said you’d go–”

“No, you just said in November,” Alex insisted. “And I do want to go with you but I didn’t know it was that day and I have other plans now– you have to tell me the date and then I put it on my calendar immediately.”

But he hadn’t told her the date, she was so sure. Like 95% sure! She would have put it on her calendar. She did remember him telling her about the housewarming party in general –for a college friend of his who was moving to the area, but not quite this area, about an hour away. They’d bought a whole farmhouse or something because that’s what you could do when you inherited money. 

But he hadn’t told her the date and so the only thing she had planned for the fifth was the last night of the arcade with Jungkook. But now, three days out, Hoseok had mentioned he bought wine and flowers for them to take, and she had asked “to what?” and now they were all tangled up.

“I did tell you.”

“You didn’t! But– ok but whether you did or didn’t, I still have these other plans that night.” She presented that in the futile hopes he’d just be like ah ok yes I understand, we shall convene another night!

Instead he asked the question she had hoped to gracefully avoid, “What other plans? Can you move them?”

“No, it has to be that night, I don’t control it–”

“Ok but… Alex, this is really important to me. What’s this other thing that’s so much more important?”

“I know you want me there but what’s so important about your thing?” she demanded. “It’s just a housewarming, right? You can go without me and I’ll meet your friends another time!”

“But you told me you’d go!” Hoseok frowned. “I told them you’d go. It’s all my friends from college in one place, that never happens.”

“I get it but it’s just a party.”

“But it’s important to me and you told me you’d go and you won’t even tell me this other thing that’s more important to you.”

Well shit. She definitely couldn’t tell him now that this other thing was going to the arcade for an evening with Jungkook. Not only would it reveal she’d planned this without telling him (she shouldn’t have to! …right?) but also that she was avoiding telling him and that it was more important to her than meeting his college friends.

It just was! She shouldn’t have to explain that. The arcade had been a really constant fun part of her friendship and it was going away and sure maybe they could go on the 4th or the 3rd or something but Jungkook had asked her to go on the 5th. It was the last night. It was meaningful! It was important to her! 

“Well?” he demanded. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s a family thing…”

“A family thing?”

“Yeah like a private thing to honor the anniversary of my grandmother dying…”

Oh shit. She was going to hell. But the lie slid off her tongue without anything to grab onto to hold it back.

“So I can’t move it.”

Hoseok looked crestfallen and she realized she’d won. Obviously he couldn’t insist that a housewarming party for his friends was more important than a private memorial service for her dead grandmother.

She hated herself a little in that moment but she couldn’t take it back. She couldn’t think about the ramifications of when that lie would come out. She just stood there with panic trapped behind her teeth as he mulled this over. Victory didn’t feel good.

“Well… ok what if we went to my friends’ house earlier in the day?” he asked. “What time is your family thing?”

“Seven.” She made that up. Maybe she should have said earlier. How long did Jungkook need to earn his tickets? “But I have to get ready too.”

Suddenly Hoseok reanimated, “Oh, not until the evening though? Ok well they’re doing an all day thing because it’s a whole barn and stuff. We can just go earlier!”

“Isn’t it a party?”

“Yeah but it’s kind of a reunion thing, it’s not just a drinking party like your friends have.”

Alex choked on a bit of a saliva. Just a drinking party.

Hoseok didn’t notice and continued, “They have horses we can ride and like a bunch of animals, and they converted the barn into an art gallery–”

“I thought they just bought this place?”

“No no they bought it and paid to have it restored and they’re just now moving in. Ah, ok, this can still work. Is that ok?”

“It’s an hour away, isn’t it? I have to be back in time.”

“Yeah, no problem. We can go– I’ll check with them but we can go for lunch and the afternoon and then I’ll bring you home in time to get ready for your family thing.”

Realizing he might fish for an invitation to a thing that wasn’t happening, and also because she felt guiltier by the second about her lie, she suggested, “Ok but I feel bad for you to miss the evening. I could just drive myself and come back early.”

“No no I can use you as an excuse, I’m sure I’ll be ready to go too, and I’d rather leave together.”

She didn’t understand why. She didn’t understand why this was so important, but trapped now by her own lies, she felt consumed with guilt and didn’t want to argue with him further. Her conscience could rest easier with a compromise like this.

“Ok. Sure. As long as I’m back in time– yeah, we can make this work,” she said. “Ok?”

He nodded slowly. She felt that. It was uncomfortable to argue. They didn’t do that often. And part of her wondered if that was because usually she just went along with whatever. Now that her life had slimmed down, it wasn’t like their schedules were at odds. She rarely had anything going on. She was so eager to be part of his life and world and it pissed her off a little that the one time she had a schedule conflict he wanted to press her for details, as if she ought to defer to his judgment about her priorities!

“Yeah. Ok. Sorry I got spicy about it,” he said and shuffled close. “It’s just really important to me to have you there. I want you to meet all my friends.”

Usually Alex would have purred under the insinuation that he wanted to show her off. But when she already felt pissy and prickly, it didn’t quite hit the same. She had to force the smile. It was uncomfortable to swallow as she forced herself to reciprocate the hug she didn’t want. Maybe the pill wasn’t resentment or anger though, maybe it was guilt. Maybe she needed him to be the bad guy right now because holy shit she was hiding from her boyfriend that she was going to spend the evening with Jungkook and that was an asshole thing to do, wasn’t it?

And yet Alex did it.

Alex had definitely worn the wrong shoes for the farm but Hoseok had too. She loud laughed at the way he cringed every time they picked their way across the muddy farmyard to get to the barn or the firepit or the main house where food and music lured them as much as the shelter from the cold gray day.

But Hoseok’s college friends, it turned out, were made of sterner stuff. They teased Hoseok when he asked for wipes to clean his shoes off. They teased him when he didn’t want to drink. They teased him when he didn’t want to ride a horse. Every time Alex and Hoseok would start to get comfy inside, his friends would beckon them out again to feed the chickens or because everyone was talking about the new roof on the barn and they wanted Hoseok to see it too or because a new friend had arrived and they wanted everyone to return to the barn so that person could talk about the pieces of their art that hung there.

It was fun in the beginning. Alex felt special as the new girlfriend no one knew, and Hoseok was apparently very proud to have her with him, which felt good. She held onto his arm and stomped all over the place and giggle-whispered with Hoseok about the baby goats. She felt like she’d stepped into a different class of people, touristing with Hoseok, and there was camaraderie in that. She got a little prickly about the way they teased him but he didn’t seem to mind so she just squeezed his hand and went along with it.

“Are you going to open this place like a museum?” Alex had foolishly asked while trying to sound really interested and knowledgeable while staring at avant garde art (was that the right word?) hung on the walls of the barn so modernized on the inside she wasn’t sure you could really call it a barn anymore. The question set off a cavalcade of information about non-profits and working farms and private versus public art. Alex had been shocked by the way this group of people seemed all so closely woven. She’d been relieved when Hoseok wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind, but also confused as to how exactly Hoseok fit in with these people.

“So how did you all know each other in school?” she asked Hoseok later as they huddled close by the fire. It was a little too cold for the fire to be fun, but Hoseok had asked if she wanted to and she thought that meant he did so there they were with a few others. By now there were several dozen people roaming the place and she had hoped it would be a little less intense than the hours of acting as a welcoming party that had started the day.

She meant the question just for him but wound up with another earful from the other people around the fire who had apparently eavesdropped and eagerly dumped overlapping stories out as Hoseok tried to get a word in edgewise. Eventually she teased out that Hoseok had been roommates with a few of them, and danced with a few others.

“You quit though after college, right?” one guy asked Hoseok. Alex had given up on remembering their names because most of them had nicknames too so it was impossible to know who anyone was talking about. Also she was cold. And also the sun was starting to go down and that vague antsy feeling she’d had all afternoon about making it home in time was starting to get louder.

She wasn’t too distracted to miss the way another guy kind of scoffed, “Yeah you know it’s not a life that most people are cut out for.”

“Oh, did you tell them you’ve been dancing again?” she asked.

Hoseok shifted uncomfortably in the chair they were wedged into together and grinned, “Oh well that’s not really anything– just starting to get back into it. I miss it, you know? I’m very out of shape…” There was something in his voice Alex found curious but she didn’t press it because one of the girls had just asked her a question.

“How did you two meet again?”

“Work.”

“Where do you work?”

“Starbucks,” Alex answered.

“Oh. Corporate?”

“I was for a while but now I’m an assistant manager. I like being more hands on with a coffee shop,” Hoseok answered. “What about you, what are you doing?”

Alex butted in to clarify, “I’m just a barista.”

Hoseok looked surprised by her defensive tone, but she felt like he’d just tried to hide that she was nothing very ambitious.

“Yeah, you’re great at your job. She’s a shift supervisor. One of the best we’ve got –not at my store though, unfortunately. Then we wouldn’t be able to date so I took the hit professionally,” he chuckled.

Ok, maybe he hadn’t tried to hide it.

“It’s cold, can we go inside and warm up for a little bit?”

“Just sit closer to the fire,” one of the other girls suggested. But the smoke was way too thick for that and all the fire really did was make her face burn and leave her ass cold. 

“You’re a city kid, huh?” another unimportant person joked and Alex didn’t appreciate the laugh, or the way Hoseok squeezed her shoulders and agreed, “Yeah.” As if he wasn’t?!

“It’s great to see Hobi in his natural element,” Alex smiled brightly at him. Hoseok’s eyes narrowed and he leaned in and kissed her cheek, laughing as if she’d just meant it as a playful joke. Maybe it would have been playful half an hour ago when she could still feel her nose. “We should probably get going soon though,” she commented, checking her phone. She’d asked to be home by six and it was four now but they could hit traffic.

“Soon,” Hoseok agreed. “Hey, Chris, whatever happened to that dance startup you were so excited about? Is that a sore subject?”

“Soon” apparently meant different things to Hoseok and Alex. Or maybe it was just that every minute seemed to drag worse for her. She wanted to think the stories from college were funny because this was a glimpse into Hoseok’s history she’d never had before, but the stories actually weren’t very funny. Hoseok cleaning a shared suite where it was obvious no one else had helped or appreciated his efforts. Hoseok drunk too quick at parties and left passed out various places as if that was some funny joke. Hoseok failing a test because he’d spent all night designated driving friends and then been such a “good friend” he didn’t rat them out to the professor. Hoseok working his ass off to fill in last minute for a space in their dance crew at a competition, and there was just something in the way they talked about it that made her uncomfortable, “yeah you were crazy motivated, we knew we could give you anything and you’d learn it or die trying.” He was an incredibly motivated person!

And honestly these people were kinda assholes! Whatever novelty had existed in the beginning wore off completely and Alex realized that these college friends of Hoseok’s were nothing more than bullying assholes. It was easy to see now how eager he had probably been in college to maintain these friendships, and how eager he was now to still impress these people who didn’t deserve his effort to impress. 

Something to talk about another day, though, because it was time to go.

“Hey, we should head out in case we hit traffic,” Alex said at 4:30. Hoseok checked his watch and nodded, “Ok yeah after this story.”

At 4:45 she went to the bathroom and grabbed Hoseok’s arm and insisted, “Ok, time to go.”

“Sure one sec, let me help –hey, do you need help carrying that inside before it rains?” he called and darted forward to help Madelynn, one of the women who owned the farm. Alex was not actually sure how many people lived here.

Holy shit, was this a cult?

The question still lingered on her tongue when at five she tried to pull Hoseok away again, reminding him, “I need to be back by six to get ready. Can we leave the compound now?”

“The compound? What?”

“Let’s say goodbye, we need to go.”

“Hey Hobi, come look, Riley brought a video of Regionals and you’re in it, we’re putting it on now!’

“Wah, let’s look,” Hoseok pleaded, grabbing her arm. “I want you to see the way I danced in college.”

“Can’t we just watch it another time?”

“I don’t have it, come on, it’ll only take a minute!” He grabbed her arm and dragged her to the house.

Twenty minutes.

Now Alex was starting to get pissed, and pulled him aside to point out, “We need to get going. You don’t even have your coat on. I’m already late to get ready and if we run into traffic–”

“We won’t, there’s not traffic back to the city this time of night.”

“But I’m already going to have less time to get ready.”

“Ok, I know, I’m sorry,” he said, and kissed her forehead. “Let me say bye and we’ll go.”

He meant bye to everyone. It meant stomping back out to the barn and the campfire and through the living room again and getting distracted by the video on the TV.

“Hoseok,” she hissed. “Let’s go.”

It had been too loud. People looked over, and Hoseok got red in the face as he frowned, “Ok, sorry, we’re going. You’re ready?”

“Yes,” she murmured, embarrassed. She didn’t bother waving as they found their way out to the car. But Hoseok stepped in dog shit on the way and had to go back for wipes so he could clean it off before he’d get in the car, while Alex sat in the passenger’s seat fuming.

“Ok,” he finally said, overly cheerful. It thudded to the ground. “Time to go.”

“It was time to go an hour ago,” she pointed out.

“We’ll get home quick–”

“It’s already almost six! We still have an hour to drive!” she pointed out. 

“Ok, sorry, you can tell your family it was my fault–”

“Just drive, please,” she said, and pulled out her phone and texted.

[Alex]: hey may be running late, got stuck at another thing

[JK]: k I’m already here

What! She scrolled up to check but they hadn’t ever agreed on a time. She’d assumed seven because… because why?

[Alex]: I’m like an hour away

[JK]: it’s cool I wanted to make sure I have time to get enough tickets so I got here early 

Alex appreciated his chill. It was fine. It was fine if she was late to meet Jungkook, there wasn’t a hard timeline, they were just going to play some games and buy a slushie machine and wave goodbye to a building. It was annoying Hoseok had dragged his feet about leaving but she didn’t actually need an hour to get ready to meet Jungkook. She planned to just change clothes and go and she’d already laid everything out. Worst case scenario she could just wear what she was wearing and go right to the arcade. Yeah, maybe she’d do that, because the knowledge that Jungkook was already there made her twitch impatiently in her seat like she was already late.

“Ah, is your family going to be mad at me?” Hoseok asked. “Sorry. Sorry. Do you want me just to drive you straight home and you can get your car later?”

“No, it’s fine. Just focus on driving please.”

An awkward silence ballooned.

“Hey, um… thanks for going with me. I know it’s a big day for you. I’m sorry I kind of lost track of time.”

“How could you lose track of time while I kept harassing you about it?”

He laughed, maybe a little forced, “You know I’m just social. I thought you liked that about me!” 

She frowned harder. She did. Usually. 

“I do but you knew I had to leave at a certain time.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just get carried away with– I haven’t seen these people in so long. It’s so strange, I feel like I’m right back in college with them.”

“Yeah but is that a good thing?” Alex asked. “They’re assholes.”

“Uh… huh?”

Fuck.

Her bad temper was making her too blunt, so she tried to explain, “I just didn’t think they treated you very well. All their stories were about you working really hard and them not appreciating it.”

“No no, that’s just how they were in college, you know? I was kind of odd. I’m still kind of odd!” he laughed.

“No, you’re great,” she insisted, even while secretly angry with him. Or, well, not so secretly. “I just don’t think they talked very nice to you. You drove all this way and they didn’t seem genuinely interested in you at all, they just wanted to show off their art.”

“They were interested in me…”

“And I think they were judgy about me just being a barista–”

“They weren’t, Alex. Why would they be? Your job is fine!”

“Yeah, ‘fine’ is probably what they thought– why is traffic so slow?” she demanded and began to take her coat off because it was too hot in the car. The slow down had been obvious though, a sea of red brake lights blocking them to a stop.

“Must be an accident,” Hoseok mumbled. His mouth curved downwards. Alex resisted saying anything about it, just looked nervously at the red lights and tried to crane her neck to see how much further it stretched.

For a few minutes the car was painfully tense. Alex’s stomach hurt with the restless frustration. Late. Late late late. Jungkook was already at the arcade and she still had to get her car and get there to meet him. And there would be no rain check. It was tonight or never.

Finally the cars started to move again. Alex let out a sigh of relief and settled back in her chair.

“I’m sorry you didn’t like my college friends,” Hoseok said, cracking the thin peace wide open. “They liked you.”

“I don’t think they did but I’m surprised… you really don’t have an issue with how they treated you?”

“No, Alex, they’re just old friends.”

“That doesn’t give them the right. You just see the good in people too much I guess.”

“Yeah well you too,” he retorted. 

She wasn’t used to retorts from Hoseok.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” he sighed.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. Forget I said anything. I appreciate that you came all the way out here with me today and I’m sorry you didn’t have fun.”

The way he said it made her feel guilty, like she’d only half done what she was supposed to do, like she ought to have just relished the way these college friends were kind of judgmental and rude.

“I thought you’d appreciate that I’m protective of you,” she huffed at him and turned away to chew on her thumbnail which she did not usually do. 

“There’s a difference between being protective of me and not wanting to be there.”

“I obviously wanted to be there or I wouldn’t have gone even though it’s making me late for my own plans. I don’t think it’s fair that you’re mad at me that I didn’t like watching college friends bully you for six hours–”

“It wasn’t six hours.”

“We got there at one–”

“Yeah that’s not–”

“And we left at nearly six–”

“That’s only five–”

“Does that one hour really make a difference?!” she cried. She covered her face. “Just… drive…”

“I am driving, as fast as I can, but I’m not going to get into a wreck. Your family would rather you be late and safe, I’m sure.”

“They would have preferred I be on time,” she argued. And felt the defensive rage prickled further because he kept mentioning her family like he knew she had told a lie and wanted to see how many times he could get her to tell it again. 

“Is this because I forgot to tell you I dated Angela for a little while–”

“No,” Alex assured him. “I don’t care at all about that, it was years ago.”

“I didn’t realize she’d even be here or I would have told you, but it really wasn’t anything important. We only dated for a few months and now she’s married.”

“I’m not bothered by it,” Alex said again and sincerely meant it. “What, you think I’m just being a jealous bitch right now? I really don’t care about meeting your ex-girlfriend. I’m proud of you for not marrying into that group–”

“You’re being mean–”

“You’re making me late!”

“So call your family! Put them on speaker phone right now and I’ll tell them it’s my fault and–”

“I don’t want my family to be mad at you!”

“I’ll make it up to them.”

“Just drive!” she pleaded and looked at her phone. 7:15.

Her stomach twisted with nausea. Her whole body was bouncing in the seat. She couldn’t look at the clock anymore, she couldn’t get there any faster, and she felt the wires inside her twisting almost to the point of breaking. She was supposed to be at the arcade with Jungkook fifteen minutes ago but Hoseok had made her go to that stupid cold dirty farm party with his asshole friends and now she was already late.

[Alex]: sorry traffic

[JK]: it’s cool

[JK]: they close at 9 tonight they just said

[Alex]: fuck

[Alex]: I’m hurrying

It was a lie. There was nothing she could do to hurry. She gritted her teeth before realizing she was chewing a hole in her cheek. She stopped that and tried to find a position in the seat that would make the car move faster. 

“Fuck.”

“What.”

Hoseok didn’t answer at first. He mumbled curses under his breath and pulled onto the exit ramp. 

“Hobi?”

“We’re um.. I’m going the wrong way–”

“What?!”

The rage and frustration left her incapable of speech at first. Probably that was for the best. He pulled over and checked directions on his phone and Alex seethed in her seat. He didn’t like to drive with his phone GPS on because he felt like it was distracting. He preferred to just memorize the route. He had a good memory. Usually that worked. 

But not fucking today!

He pulled back onto the highway going the other way and Alex thought she might vomit from the stress. She was going to miss it. She was going to miss the whole thing.

She pulled out her phone and did the math.

“How far in the wrong way did we go?” she demanded. 

“I’m going to drive faster. Make sure you’re buckled.”

“Hobi…”

The drive became very quiet after that. Alex had nothing to say. Occasionally she looked at her phone. Sometimes only two minutes had passed and that gave her hope. Other times it was longer. 

And then.

And then.

A loud popping sound made the car jerk and rattle. The cartoonish explosion of the tire was so obvious in an instant. Hoseok immediately pulled over to the shoulder and put the hazards on. Alex immediately burst into tears. And Hoseok did too.

“I’m sorry,” he cried. “I’m trying to get you home fast, I’m sorry I lost track of time.”

Alex just covered her face with her hands and cried, the stress rushing out on trembling breaths. She was going to miss the whole fucking thing. It was eight. They closed at nine. And now they had a flat tire. And her boyfriend was literally in tears, he felt so bad about it and she was literally a liar. 

Her tears actually helped though. They vented the anger that had been bubbling up higher and higher. They washed away the pressure because she’d missed it. It was over. There was no point trying to get there anymore and no need to try. The surrender took all the fight out of her.

“Do you have roadside assistance?” she managed to choke out through her tears. She sniffled. Hoseok nodded. She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Ok.”

She listened to the tremble in Hoseok’s voice as he made the call. She kept hold of his hand, trying to pull herself back to sanity. Ok. She’d missed it. That’s all there was to it. All this did was prove she had been right two months ago that she couldn’t do it all. She couldn’t have both. She’d had to choose and she’d made her choice and trying to go back wasn’t possible. 

“I lied to you,” she admitted quietly as they sat there waiting. “I don’t have a family thing tonight.”

“What?”

“The arcade I used to go to with Jungkook is closing. Tonight is the last night and I was supposed to meet him so we could finally cash in his tickets and say goodbye to the place.”

He didn’t respond at first. She was afraid to look at him but then curiosity overpowered her shame and she saw he just stared at the steering wheel. She waited for the yelling and the accusations and the anger.

Instead he asked, “Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?”

“Because I didn’t want you to get upset I was going to see him again.”

“Alex… I never told you that you couldn’t see him. You’re the one who decided that.”

“Yeah but… it’s not that I really meant to hide it from you or anything but then you had this other party and I figured you wouldn’t understand why this was so important to me. Maybe you would just think I was going back on my word or something but it’s not about him, it’s about… it’s just that this arcade was really important to me for such a long time and…”

“I understand.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry you’re missing it. Tonight is the last night?”

“Yep.”

“What time does it close?”

“Nine.”

They looked the clock on the dash. 8:35. 

“Shit,” he muttered. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

What else could either of them say? He hadn’t reacted badly even though she’d lied, which didn't give her any reason to puff up again. Instead it left her feeling stupid for not having been honest in the first place. 

“Can I ask you a question and you’ll tell me the truth?”

“Sure,” he agreed.

“If I had told you I wanted to skip the party to go to the arcade with Jungkook, would it have hurt your feelings?”

Hoseok’s mouth twitched was enough of an answer for her. He hesitated before turning to her in the dark car and admitting,

“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean I would have told you not to do it or anything.”

“Now you can just be relieved that my family isn’t upset. Just me.”

“Sorry.” But she knew he wasn’t really. Sorry she was upset, sure. But probably not sorry that he’d gotten to take her to the party and she wasn’t spending the evening with Jungkook after all. 

“It’s hard to lose things and people you really cared about,” she told him. 

“Even when they’re not what’s best for you anymore?” Hoseok asked.

“Didn’t you still want to impress your college friends?”

“Ah.” He sighed. “Yeah.”

They didn’t have to talk about it more because roadside assistance pulled up then. Instead Hoseok stood outside holding the flashlight while the man put the spare tire on. Hoseok made Alex stand over on the sidewalk under a streetlight because he was worried she’d get hit. In the meantime, she texted Jungkook.

[Alex]: flat tire I’m not going to make it

He didn’t respond. For all she knew, he didn’t even believe her. Jungkook was someone separate from her now. Maybe he thought she just had too much fun at the party with Hoseok and flaked. She hadn’t even told him she was at a party with Hoseok but she wasn’t thinking logically right now about things. She felt exhausted and disappointed by everything.

[Alex]: I’m really sorry I really wanted to be there

When he still didn’t respond, she gave up.

With the spare tire on, Hoseok had to drive extra slow. It was a blessing Alex had already called it because this would definitely have had her scratching holes in the roof of the car. Instead they were both very soft and quiet as Hoseok drove back to his apartment. He thanked her again and apologized again. 

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” she said. “And I’m sorry I was a brat about the thing today.”

“I understand. I hope you don’t feel like you have to lie to me ever again though.” Leave it to Hoseok to give her the easy way out. It didn’t make her feel any less shitty. As a punishment, she wasn’t getting her evening with Jungkook anyway. Maybe she would have if she’d told the truth. Or maybe Hoseok was overestimating himself right now and it would have been a fight a few days ago instead. But maybe if they’d fought a few days ago, she could have made it to the arcade, she could have just sped over when Jungkook admitted he was already there. 

Was that a shitty thing to think?

They hugged but it was an awkward goodbye. The night buzzed in her ears when she got into her own car to drive home. But the arcade drew her. Even though she’d missed the night, she felt the loss settle deep in her belly, and knew she at least wanted to drive by one more time and peer in the windows and wave. She felt like she deserved at least that.

The emotions of everything still had her overheated so she cracked her window to get some cool air in and stripped her coat off as she drove. Wouldn’t it be ironic to get into a wreck now? She felt wrecked by the day. Probably she was going to cry at the sight of the stupid building.

At 9:23 she pulled up in front of the closed arcade in the emptying parking lot. She grabbed her coat but just carried it over her arm and walked quickly through the parking lot. The cold air felt good, hopefully it was settling her flush. She knew her eyes were swollen.

Jungkook sat on the curb under the street lamp like a delinquent, a box and a bag beside him.

“Oh hey,” he greeted and pushed up, like he’d been waiting for her.

“What are you still doing here!?” she demanded. “I told you I couldn’t make it! We got a flat tire–”

“Phone died,” he admitted with a crooked grin. “I thought you might not be going to make it but figured I’d wait a while, just in case– woooah, hey.”

She started to cry.

“I tried really hard to make it,” she sobbed, crumbling under the weight of the day. “We were at a house party like an hour away and Hobi took forever to leave and then there was traffic and we went the wrong way probably because I kept yelling at him and then we got a flat tire and–”

“Yeah but you still made it,” Jungkook said stupidly as he pulled her into a hug. Or maybe he hadn’t been doing that, and just reacted to her collapsing against him. She couldn’t tell. She didn’t care. His arms were around her and for a moment it really did feel like it was ok, or at least over, she could just vent about it now. The worst was passed.

She whined, “I didn’t make it. We didn’t get to play anything or eat mall pizza and I didn’t even get to see you finally buy your shit. Did you get it?”

“Ah, yeah, come look,” he said, dragging her over with his arm around her shoulder. “I got the Slushie maker! And I had enough to get all this little shit. Figured I’ll pull something out when I need to pretend I was just here,” he joked, opening the plastic bag so she could peer in. It was all foam dice, sparkly pens, plastic topics, finger puppets, and Tootsie Rolls. “They were generous with the ticket costs,” he laughed. “Here.” He pulled out a slap bracelet and smacked it down on her wrist. The sharp edges hurt the exposed skin.

“Ouch,” she said calmly and then laughed at his surprised look.

“It hurt?!”

“I think it slit my wrist. Now we know why they’re closing. Slap bracelet lawsuits.”

He laughed, then saw something over her shoulder and shoved the bag at her, “Here, wait. Hey!” He ran to the door and leaned against it and knocked. She could tell from afar that he’d just cranked his charm up to a hundred, she could recognize it just in his posture. 

The lights from inside illuminated the cracked door, but she couldn’t see who was through it. 

He came running back, motioning, “Ok, let’s go. We get one game.”

“What?”

“One game of air hockey.”

“What? They’ll let us play–”

“Yeah, one game.” He yanked up the box and her coat she’d let drop, leaving her only the bag of goodies and an expression of confusion as she turned to follow him in.

“Tylerrrr,” Jungkook grinned at their favorite tired employee as he let them in. “I owe you.”

“Yeah a hundred bucks.”

“Dude let us play our game first.”

“Thanks Tyler,” Alex beamed at him, wishing her smile was nearly powerful enough to convey her gratitude.

It was eerie being inside with most of the machines already turned off and the overhead lights on instead of the muted wall lights The prize wall was already stripped down after the last night of trades. The carpet looked dirtier than ever under the bright lights, and the lack of people definitely made it feel like a ghost town.

Jungkook led her right over to the air hockey table, which still had lights on. 

“I don’t have my card,” Alex realized.

“I think I’ve got enough.”

He did. The sound of the air whirring to life made Alex’s stomach flip. She sniffled.

“I haven’t even wiped the dirt with you and you’re already in tears?” Jungkook taunted. Alex held her hand over the tiny prickles of air and laughed.

“You fucking wish.”

Alex had the puck to start with but Jungkook blocked her shot.

“You’re rusty.”

He tried to hit the puck but managed to somehow just slide his mallet across it. They both laughed.

“I think you have us confused,” she teased.

He hit it and it bounced to the side. She hit it back, but not full force. He bounced it back. The arhythmic clicks of the mallets and the tink of the puck hitting the walls worked a magic in Alex. She felt herself finally thawing from the long day. The noise, the feeling, the smell of this place was all so achingly familiar. 

Jungkook’s empty-eyed concentration, the way his mouth hung open slightly as he tried to time his mallet right to intercept the puck, also achingly familiar. It distracted her long enough he managed to slide the puck into her goal with a poor defense from her.

“Really rusty.”

“Shut up, I’m just warming up.”

“Only one game!” Tyler shouted from somewhere out of sight.

“Shut up, Tyler!” Alex shouted back. 

Jungkook laughed, “He’s so excited to never be bullied by you again.”

“I’ve never bullied him! Tyler is a national treasure!”

Jungkook squashed the puck against the wall and it went flipping through the air. They laughed about it like small delighted children.

The tear tracks evaporated as the taunting picked up. Never quite to what it once was, but enough that Alex felt the disappointment of the day slide away. They shouted as they sent the puck soaring again. Jungkook whined when she shot it straight into his goal because he’d bought the fake out and gone the wrong way. She relished in his tiny noise of frustration.

But Alex held back from prompting it again. She didn’t want the game to end so quickly. And when they came to the last tie-breaking goal way longer than it should have taken, she realized he had been too. They bounced the puck back and forth, the click of it taking on a more melancholy pace. 

“Sorry I cried on you earlier,” she mumbled over the whir of the machine. “It was a long day.”

“Yeah, sounds like it. Everything ok in general?”

“Yep. Fine. I mean… I miss you, don’t take that the wrong way.”

“Yeah I know,” he snorted. “What’s not to miss?”

“What about you? Are you doing ok? Namjoon treating you well?”

He laughed with his nod, “Yeah. His place is pretty fucking sweet but he’s got a lot of rules.”

“So do my parents.”

“I’m going to start calling him Eomma Kim, I wonder how that will go–”

“Oh my god please don’t be homeless.”

“Ok I do have parents too, Alex,” he scoffed. “But I figured I shouldn’t move in with them right down the street when you were trying to get away from me.” He started really laughing, like he’d thought about it before but now it was suddenly the funniest thing he’d ever considered.

“What? No…. no,” she frowned. “Don’t say it like that!”

His laughter faded out with, “Ok.”

The puck had slowed down with neither of them exerting effort. It came to a stop in the middle of the table.

And then the air stopped.

“Tyler!” they both shouted, looking over where he’d stepped on the extension cord button.

“I gave you the game, you can’t stay here all night. I want to go home!”

“But it’s your last night! Won’t you miss this place?” Alex teased.

“Like a foot in my ass. Who won the last game?”

“It was a draw,” Jungkook said.

“But I would have won,” Alex added. “If I was trying.”

“Only if I let you win.”

“Uh, big talk for the dude who can’t score without my help.”

“I have scored plenty without your help.”

“Wait, what are we talking about?” she demanded, eyes narrowing. And for a moment she was transported backwards to a time where Jungkook scored all the time with every woman in sight and Alex laughed and teased because it sure beat crying about it. Eventually you got used to that kind of hurt, it turned out. Especially when you were funny and good at papering over your feelings with really funny jokes about your manwhore friend.

Except this time his eyes went wide as he cried, “I meant in air hockey!”

“Sure you did!”

“I did!”

“Take it outside, folks,” Tyler wearily sighed and gestured towards the door. It felt good to laugh their way out, bickering again whether Alex would have won or not. She was better at the game, but tired from a long day, and Jungkook suggested maybe he’d been hiding his true skills this time and Alex did not make the easy joke about “where were you hiding skills? With your alleged love?”

“Wait, let’s take a photo. I promise not to post it,” Jungkook said before they got very far away, lifting his phone. Alex agreed to it, stretching high while Jungkook crouched to be in the photo, the air hockey table and empty arcade behind them.

“Nice. Jungkook meets his Air Hockey Idol, that’s what that photo looks like.”

“You have no reason to let me win, you’re just masking,” Jungkook insisted as they walked.

“Uh, because I feel bad.”

“About breaking my heart?”

“About being late!” she screeched. “Jungkook! I did not!”

“Ok ok no, I know, it’s not your fault you were late,” he said, quickly changing the topic and she wondered if he regretted making that joke. It was very Jungkook to make a joke and then have to walk it back. He always took jokes too far. She did it too. Especially about things that were serious and scary. No wonder they never had a serious conversation about things until it was too late.

“It’s not,” she insisted. “It’s never my fault. I’ve never done anything wrong in my life.”

“I know. I know. Ok, here have another slap bracelet,” he said, digging one out of the bag and slapping it onto her other wrist.

“Ouch. That hurt again.”

“But you kinda liked it?”

“I didn’t kinda like it!” she insisted and tried half-heartedly to kick the back of his leg. Just like she used to.

Damn she missed this.

Maybe he thought it at the same time, because his expression shifted and they both got quiet for a moment.

“I’ll walk you to your car,” he offered.

“You don’t have to.”

“Yeah, I do.”

She didn’t argue again. He walked her to the car. She accepted a fistful of candy and tossed her things into the passenger’s seat and congratulated him on the Slushie machine. 

“And thanks for messaging me about this. Sorry I missed most of it but I’m glad we got to say goodbye.”

“To the arcade,” he said quickly. “I didn’t go anywhere.”

“Ok well you literally moved out of our apartment–” she joked.

“After you did! And I live with Namjoon, you know where to find me.”

She nodded and pursed her lips, then said, “Yeah, I know.”

“Ok. Well. Night, Alex. Thanks for one last game. Let me know if you ever want a Slushie.”

He waved, like they were friends in passing. She waved back but made it awkward and he laughed. His car wasn’t far and she watched from her driver’s seat to make sure he made it safely before she remembered to start her own car.

She hated that he’d said that. One last game. It wasn’t the last game of anything they’d ever play. It couldn’t be! She wouldn’t let it be. So what if they couldn’t go back to the way it was before? Could this really be enough? Just running into each other every couple of months? Making excuses to keep apart until something major happened?

But it had to be enough. That was the way a normal friendship worked anyway, right? You just saw each other sometimes and it was cool. And she had to be careful about it. Strict. She couldn’t let herself get carried away and try to read too much into why her heart was racing and it took her a few minutes to compose herself to drive because for a brief second the ugly too-bright parking lot lights had felt romantic. Or why the whole rotten day had ceased to matter when she found him sitting there on the curb, still waiting for her. Or why she had never wanted the hockey game to end. 

It was just missing a friend. She just missed her friend. She couldn’t go back to feeling more than that. She’d grown up and out of that. She could be normal about him again soon. This had been normal. Clearly he could be normal too.

She adjusted the slap bracelets on her wrists, kind of ok with the way they bit into her skin, and drove back to her parents’ house.

Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter

[episodeoftv]

Round 1 of 6, Group 1 of 4

propaganda is under the cut (354 words) - may contain spoilers

summaries (pulled from imdb or wikis)

propaganda

Angel - 4.22 Home

Lilah returns from the dead to offer Angel and his friends full ownership of Wolfram and Hart.

1) It's the end of the worst season of tv I I can think of. So much on and off screen was just awful. I wish I could bleach any recollection of this from my mind 2) Easy summation of why Joss Wheadon should not be trusted with handling shows at this point. Connor is a horrible character that gets treated like garbage to the endthat despite the interesting premise of him, they don't address his issues and wipe his story to "fix" him and then there's everything with Cordelia that's best described in an essay that unfortunately isn't around but removing her after assassinating her character with everything is a mess and making her comatose to "wipe her away" never sat right and while the concept of Angel working for his worst enemy is a neat concept. it just. feels wrong. it just sucks.

Steven Universe - 5.29 Change Your Mind

cw: characters get stabbed (PG)

After landing on homeworld, Steven embarks on a journey to convince White Diamond to listen to him so he can help the corrupted gems back on Earth.

1) Genuinely just felt like a compact of all the issues Steven Universe had summed up that it tries to be deep and meaningful but felt so bad as a result. 2) "IDC that the interest decided media criticism is cringe or malicious and we all have to pretended Steven universe was some perfect little angel who was the victim of an evil hate campaign. The ending was rushed, horribley paced, had the worst redemption """"""arc"""""""""" in the entire series(yes I say redemption arcs look me dead in the eye and tell me the diamonds weren't redeemed), hideous fusion designs that broke the pre-established logic of fusion, and was some the most insufferable case of millenial writing I've seen. The only postive of the ending was that 10 seconds of james baxtet animation. It compounds all the criticisms people have held for Steven universe for years into a singular 40 minute episode and I'm glad it's considered embarrassing to like this show now. And in case anyone thinks I'm just a bitter 30 year old who was expecting too much from a children's show: I was 15 when the finale aired I was literally the prime demographic I thought it was shit then and I think its shit now”

[internet-angelmp3]

Do you already have alters? If so, what are their names?

The Proxy-Homesick System

this is what I mean when I say I'm tris-plural. I already am in a system with alters but am very singletflux and conciousflux. I feel like my plurality isn't severe enough to be considered a 'real system' so I want it to get worse so I can finally say I'm a system.

cw, mentions of dormancy!!

Kangel/Sebastian

Me!! Including all my personas (currently just 2 tho :3)

Little Girl

I don't actually want to put her name here because she's less of a real alter and more part of that thing I wrote about in an earlier post where I experienced severe trauma as a child and disconnected myself from my identity to create a new one. This is who I used to be as a little girl.

Saria

An introject fusion of Saria and Navi from The Legend of Zelda. She would talk to me back when I was in a bad space and thought of hurting myself or running away. I distinctly remember another voice in my head telling me it was a bad idea and that people loved me and would miss me. I don't hear her anymore.

Kandii

She used to take control and harass my friends online but also try and make friends with them. I call her an 'expressor' because she would express all the feelings and actions I would suppress due to being radqueer. However she would do it in a toxic, unhealthy way. She went dormant before coming back later and currently hosts the blog @l0llie-d0llie.

Pansy

An introject of an ex friend. Or actually, an introject of an idealized version of an ex friend. She first started appearing in my dreams but she cofronts with me sometimes. I only know she's there because I can feel her presence but she doesn't talk much to me. She's mad at the ex friend she's sourced from for leaving me I think?

I also requested a P-Chan from one BAH blog and my parasocial other from a different BAH blog <3

[supergito]

Fusion Revived - CH 1 (Encounter)

➤ This story is actually complete (finished Sep 2021) over on my Ao3 already; I'm just publishing it here on tumblr too for archival purposes. I hope any and all curious readers enjoy if they haven't checked it out yet!

SUMMARY: Majin Buu has been destroyed, and the Earth has known peace for close to a year now. Life hasn't been too peaceful for the person responsible for saving the world and the entire universe however, but when an ordinary woman meets him one day, things start to change.

RATING: Teen and Up. PAIRING(S): Vegito x OC/Reader, alluded Gochi, alluded Vegebul CONTENT: Canon Divergence, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Family Drama CW(s) THIS CHAPTER: None

In the distance, she could see the familiar trees. The elements had managed to spare her a few ripe apples, and she planned to take advantage of it. She was running low on them back home, and there was something about the wild apples here that were far better than what she could pick up from a store.

She didn’t feel like taking a thirty-minute drive to West City just for apples to begin with.

When the woman reached the orchard, toting a basket, she paused. The small collection of apple trees were once tended to long ago, but they have since been abandoned by whoever owned them. The native herbivorous wildlife in the area have taken to treating them like any other food source, so when the fruit grew and ripened, various animals came to reap the benefits. She believed she would see them rummaging about the branches during this visit.

What she wasn’t expecting to see, was a man sitting down cross-legged at the base of one tree with a dozen or so apples and their cores scattered around him.

The sound of loud munching, crunching, and smacking had her grimace, as did just how quickly he ate. The man finished an apple completely in 5 or so seconds, devouring the flesh around the core before tossing it away and starting on another of the fruit. Thick, black eyebrows were in a raised position over his closed eyes as he held an expression of pleasure, swallowing the mash of food in his mouth and licking the juices off of his lips.

He unexpectedly stopped after a moment, face unchanging.

“Just how long did you plan on staring at me?”

A strong voice called out, making her jump. With wide eyes, she looked around, having detected that there was another voice different in pitch that seemingly spoke at the same time. She didn’t see anyone else around though.

The man’s head turned so he could stare directly at her, and when her eyes met the black irises of his, her mind briefly went blank.

“ … … … …Did you take every single apple in the orchard?”

He tossed upwards and caught one of the red fruits in a gloved hand a few times, studying her, before a smirk appeared on his face.

“Not every single one. You can probably find a couple if you look hard enough.”

There was that voice…voices? Again. There was no doubt now that it was this stranger and him alone who was speaking, but why did he sound like two people talking in unison? She’s never heard such a thing naturally coming from one person before.

It’s only been a minute or two, but this fellow was already coming off as very strange. His wild, spiky black hair and bangs that extended out over his forehead wasn’t too weird, but his clothing…was that a blue gi he was wearing? Why was he wearing white gloves and yellow-tipped white boots with it?

She squinted, and surveyed the mess on the grassy soil. “Did you need to take this many?”

“Hey. A man’s gotta eat.” He nonchalantly stated, taking the apple in his hand up to his mouth so he could take a large bite from it.

The movement of his head caused his yellow earrings to jostle, and the gleam of reflected sunlight off of them finally had her notice the jewelry. If she could even call it that. She’s never seen earrings like his before, but then again, she didn’t exactly keep up with the fashion world…

The brown, apparently furry belt he wore around his waist frankly made her head tilt. When she saw that it twitched ever so slightly, she didn’t know what to think of it.

“…You do know that the animals around here use these trees for food too, right?”

“Eeeeeh, they’ll be alright.” He dismissed her question, crossing one of his legs over the other and crossing his arms behind his head, so he could rest against the tree. The action gave her a better view of his body, and she was stunned by it.

His clothing was loose and a little baggy, but his arms and what she could make out of his torso made it obvious that he was extremely muscular. So much to the point that she wondered just what type of exercise routine he did. She may have believed he was a bodybuilder, if he wasn’t wearing a gi.

It raised another question as to why he was out here alone in the wilderness, but she knew it wasn’t her business to pry. Not that it mattered, as she felt less inclined to continue conversing with him, understanding that he was more than capable of physically overwhelming her…should he choose to do so.

Although confident in her self-defense capabilities, this guy looked like he could bench press a boulder. She didn’t know his character in the slightest, aside from how patronizing he came off as thus far, so she would take no chances here.

The woman made a noise of indignation, and while keeping him in the sight of her narrowed eyes, she stepped around the cores to walk deeper into the orchard. She did take note that there was still a fair amount of ripe apples left hanging from the branches, but she couldn’t take the amount she wanted to now. It was best to take just the minimum of what she needed – two or three of the fruits – and leave the rest for the animals. She guessed she would be making that grocery trip after all. There were other things in her home that needed restocking anyhow.

As she soon left the orchard to go back to her awaiting hovercar, she missed how the flame-haired man quietly observed her as she departed, feeling curious for a reason he couldn’t identify.