#d.distortion

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The past is creeping up my throat

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• I’ll poison my own food, I’ll play my part

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Promise me the sun will rise again.

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Why do I feel so dirty?

I can never quite wash off the insanity.

I can never be without this horrifying sickness.

- Dorian 12/02/23 12:34am

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I’m convinced that I am not going to die a natural death. Maybe I’ll have an aneurysm, contract rabies or fall down the stairs and break my neck. I don’t know but every day it terrifies me to wake up and think that today’s the day.

I think the only way to combat that is to take myself out before something bad and out of my control happens to me.

I wish I wasn’t afraid of life. I think I actually really like it here.

[doriandistortion]

Lonely Halloween again. :/

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I wish I wasn’t so afraid of life.

I think I really like it here.

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I feel like this on days when it rains

When my brain’s as cloudy as the atmosphere

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About me

  ‿̩͙‿ ༺ ♰ ༻ ‿̩͙‿

My poetry: 🩵

My photography: 💙

Rambling n stuff 🩶

Dorian || INTP || Ambidextrous || I don’t rlly like labels but I’m def ace || This is mainly my poetry account || I play the piano, bass, guitar, and I sing on occasion

I’m chill with anyone interacting + I’m not mean I promise! I just look that way lol

DMs are always open

Dog bless

Fandoms I dabble most in:

Tales from the gas station, creepypasta, The Vampire Chronicles, villains duology by V.E. Schwab

Things I’m into:

Old web graphics, Vampires, Pretty knives, Explore With Us yt channel vids, Psychology, Sad gray aesthetics, 90s emo, 90s anything, atwwd + wine and crime, The Magnus Archives, Tales from the gas station, creepypasta, audiobooks

Fave movies:

The Talented Mr. Ripley, Interview With The Vampire, Parasite, Withnail & I, Rope, Nope (lmao)

Fave bands:

Slint, Sunny Day Real Estate, Million Dead, 12 RODS, Knocked Loose, Nirvana, Dismemberment Plan, Reuben, My Chemical Romance, Mineral, Joy Division, The Decemberists, Scarling, Dresden Dolls, Manic Street Preachers, HIM, Bright Eyes, Panuccis Pizza, KMFDM, Silverchair, The Dear Hunter, Set to Stun, Modest Mouse, Nine Inch Nails, Dumb As Rocks, El Creepo, Jack Conte, The Paper Chase, The Devil Makes Three, Braid, The Requiem, Mad Kelly, Blue October, any emo band ever new or old

Moi↓

Follow me on Spotify

[doriandistortion]

We will commit wolf murder

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Blue is my least favorite color

It’s a beautiful sunny day.

I go outside and instantly notice that the city’s buildings stand especially tall towards the sky like an invitation from cosmic horrors no one believes in.

The sky scrapers are pointing me towards the vast open mouth of the universe and poking fun at my fear of losing oxygen in a vacuum that no one can see.

I lunge for the floor, anything to grab onto, the discarded plastic bags and newspapers laying next to my clammy palms can’t help me now.

This time it’s really going to take me.

Don’t the onlookers know what’s about to happen?

How can they just watch as if they don’t care?

I wish I could slip through the sky’s fingers but I don’t think I’d ever be so lucky.

When the time comes I know I will have wished I hadn’t gone outside that day.

[doriandistortion]

If you have experienced something similar to this pls comment bc I NEED to know that someone has felt a similar way or I may lose my mind.

For a long time now I’ve had this sort of feeling that happens every so often when I get afraid. As if I’m going to suddenly be somewhere else if I turn around or move in a certain way.

I also have the feeling as if I will suddenly be floating underwater with nothing else in sight besides a giant whale behind me. It’s not like it’s going to hurt me or anything. Just the idea of it being there and out of my sight until I turn around frightens me. When this happens I feel like I need to drop to the ground if someone I’m next to makes any sudden movements. Other times I’m afraid the floor will fall out from underneath me or the roof I’m under will get ripped off and there will be nothing shielding me from the sky.

Obviously this isn’t just normal anxiety but I have absolutely no clue what else it would be. I’ve talked to my therapist and she hasn’t given me anything to work with in terms of information so I’m writing here to see if anyone has any other similar ??delusions?? I mean, they don’t seem like delusions to me and I am well aware that those kind of things will never happen UNTIL I’m in the moment. But even then, it’s not like I REALLY believe it. It’s more like It’s as if it’s already happening and I’m just waiting to see the results with my own eyes. It scares me terribly.

Is it a psychotic episode if you are aware of how unrealistic it is?? Am I just incredibly self aware?? I’ve never heard of anything even remotely similar to what I’ve described.

Also I’m afraid of the open sky and if I’m crossing the street with someone and they suddenly aren’t there next to me I feel like I need to hit the deck.

I’m well aware that that’s an actual phobia though which I have.

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Time is passing quickly

(The narrator is afraid)

Oh, no need to worry, life is so unbearably infinite, there's absolutely no rush. Look, it's 9:30, practically the crack of dawn! And hey, midnight is basically the perfect time to start your day, isn't it?!

WOW, the clock is ticking quite loudly but oh don't you dare leave just yet, it's definitely not time to go or say goodnight or anything! how silly! Let's push it to the extreme and reach 3 a.m.

Wow! No one’s ever called me that before!! What about you?? have you noticed what I put in your food? Have you watered your plants yet? Fed your dog?? Skinned your cat??? And hey, do you have work tomorrow? Because I wouldn’t punch in if I were you.

Oh, goodness me, it's already 12:30! And what an odd realization that I actually might miss you!

The clock is kind enough to tick louder now, just in case we didn't notice it before. So, here we are, it's time to go, time to leave, time to say goodnight. But you know, I wouldn't want to miss an opportunity to make a fool of myself in front of my beautiful guests!

It's 3 a.m. now, and let me just ask, does anyone have anything remotely important to attend to tomorrow?

Please, dear people, do you not know that I have waited so long for your presence?

- Dorian 10/12/23

[doriandistortion]

It doesn’t have to hurt.

(We will be gone but not forever)

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It’s cold out. The air's all crisp, biting, like those thoughts that don't at all fit together but insist on crashing the same party.

Reality is a carnival mirror, and this creaking boat, a carousel spinning sideways. I hear the laughter of Neptune, the coughs of distant galaxies.

- Dorian 11/27/23 10:13pm

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I thought I didn’t want to die

But the tin man crept up my throat again, made me cry.

- Dorian 11/18/23