#dealing with myself

[creatingnikki]

i.

I may be pregnant.

you said, lol ok sure. you said, but I used a condom. you said, are you serious? I am not old enough to raise a child yet. you said, I don't want to change diapers right now.

classy. you think I want to change diapers? I am literally your age. and chill, I am not pregnant. you really think I want to be?

you said, who knows. you said, but for being very specific say that you're not pregnant. you said, and even if you are say that you're not pregnant with my child. 

A, I am not pregnant with your child. and if I was, I wouldn’t keep it. 

you said, okay. good for both of us. you said, I’m glad it didn’t come to that. you said, I don’t want to ruin this for anyone. you said, that’s why I only engage sexually with sane people. 

what do you mean sane?

you said, I mean if you were pregnant I can’t force you to abort. can’t force anybody. you said, that’s why I can only sleep with someone who is capable of rational reasoning. 

ii. 

I may be pregnant.

you said, shit. did you take a test? 

not yet, I’m scared.

you said, of course you are. you said, at this point you shouldn’t think of the worst case scenario. you said, just take the test first. 

but, M, what if I am? 

you said, if you are then I will ask you what you want. you said, if you say you want to keep it I would tell you I am not in a place to financially offer any support. you said, I’d ask you if you can financially support the baby and if yes then I would offer all other support. you said, and if you didn’t want to keep the baby, I’d fly down and I’d take you to the clinic and be with you the whole time. 

M, if I am pregnant, I don’t even know if it’s yours.

you said, okay, that doesn’t matter. you said, I’ll still come. 

iii. 

I may be pregnant.

you said, what?

mom, I’m not sure, it’s mostly just a scare. 

you said, it’s okay even if you are. it’s okay. I will take care of the baby. you said, you can go on with your life. 

no, if I am, I won’t keep it.

you said, I want a grandchild and it doesn’t seem like you are going to go the conventional way and give me one later. just keep the baby. 

mom, no.

you said, don’t laugh, I am serious. you said, I’ll disown you otherwise. 

umm seriously? come on. 

you said, fine. just don’t do anything without telling me. don’t do anything stupid that will harm you. you said, we will take care of it. 

iv. 

I may be pregnant. 

I will take the test soon. I have a friend who said he will be there on call with me throughout. for every one asshole in my life, I have three people who have my back. more, actually. I just need to remember that. just remember that. remember. 

[deternot]

H-hello

[artkaninchenbau]

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

[opulence-is-decadence]

Random Notes Thread so I Don't Lose it:

How he treats you on your birthday is how he feels about you

Everything I've ever cried and begged for would always ended up not serving me

The third date rule

Self destruction can be a form of self control

You want to ask questions and take space

Tomorrow is almost yesterday

Dating the wrong person will make you feel ugly

Grief is like a hole on the beach I am trying to empty of water

They don't see you as forgiving, they see you as allowing

Stop allowing men something they'd never allow you to be: ugly and loved

Intimacy is not easy but it is worth it

Stop allowing people to romantically pursue you before gotten a chance to be an actual person around them. Before that you are an idea with a pretty picture

If you cry over the person you are dating in the first 3 months, it's automatically over

Avoid self sabotage by micrososing what you fear

Ask people if they would date themselves and why

Old age isn't promised. Start living now

Building connections with other is worth it

Read Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter while you journal

The absence of something is also a presence

Forgive yourself and move on.

Stop mouning your youth while you're still young. You've been doing that for years.

Very early in my life I had decided it was already too late

We self sabotage to keep ourselves in the comfort zone

Love exists all around you and manifests in different forms

Be curious about your shame instead of afraid. Shame is the opposite of art.

The less you are, the less you express your own life, the greater is your alienated life

Individualism creates isolation, which drives an intense need for connection. That makes you an easy target to predatory groups and cults.

When you fantasize about raising a child, what you are actually fantasizing about is raising yourself. You don't want a kid, you want a childhood.

The purpose of life is to experience it.

You'll find victory in perseverance

Growing up is tearing down the walls you built to keep others out. It's letting go the anger.

The concept of inherent human goodness or badness is fundamentally flawed because there is not morality in nature.

[stil-lindigo]

prodigal son.

a sort of epilogue for God of War Ragnarok, since I miss these two so much.

support me on patreon

[inklessletter]

"Eyes on me. Yeah. Good boy."

---

Thank you so much for trusting and sticking around.

Steve says thank you 💛

[omtai]

got too crazy last night & made a fake Gerard Fangoria cover... 🧛‍♀️

📸: Jess Gleeson

[hinamie]

i have so much band!au content in the pipeline my brain is Rotting but enjoy these two for now

jjk band!au

[kinard-buckley]

another hot take but i really don't think tommy's "my attention?" was him thinking buck has feelings for eddie. tommy thinks buck was jealous that he was getting excluded from the friend group, because he comes to clear the air about causing bad blood and even says "[eddie] can have more than one friend." tommy doesn't fully realize what's really going on until buck says "... 'cause trying to get your attention has been exhausting," and it dawns on him that buck's jealousy wasn't about getting excluded from eddie and tommy's friendship but about eddie jeopardizing tommy's time (additionally, buck's "i guess" isn't meant to be noncommittal; he's realizing in the moment that it's true, that it really was about tommy. the way he says it feels like it's a revelation to even him). remember, buck reached out to tommy at some point prior to the events of 7x04 for the tour, but was never actually interested in leaving the 118. it was absolutely a ploy to get closer to tommy. but eddie interrupts them and pulls tommy away from buck, and buck spirals. the main issue is that buck has no idea what his feelings are doing, so he latches on to the most likely explanation to him (with further context clues that indicate that's not what it's really about) until that moment between buck and tommy in the loft. basically buck's got a crush he doesn't know how to deal with so he makes it everybody's problem.

[demaparbat-hp]

Almost

[fuzzycasket]

However much I change, I'm still left with me. And I don't always know what to do with me. How to handle me. And if I don't know, then who does?

conversations with myself | fuzzycasket

[nocasdatsgay]

I really want the hidden romance of Eris Vanserra.

I want his mate to walk the same halls, be in the same rooms, arms length with zero interaction to the naked eye. I want stolen moments: light touches, casual brush of fabric from their clothes as they pass by each other.

I want him to pull his mate into a dark corner at a party. Kiss them so hard they both see stars before they slip back out again. I want late night walks with a guard who’s a friend keeping his secret.

I want their first time together to be filled with tears and hushed promises. Promises this won’t be the only time. Promises that they’ll be together without the worry. I want him memorizing every inch of their skin. I want him fighting with himself about leaving when it’s over.

I want him making deals left and right to keep them safe. I want him killing those who find out and dare to blackmail him. Or him blackmailing them back.

I want them to be the first one he goes to when his father is dead and he’s high lord. Eris doesn’t care that a crowd is around. He doesn’t care that he’s covered in blood. All he cares about is right in front of him and he can finally kiss them wherever he likes.

[thefatstruggle]

Ever wondered what it’s like to fuck a fatty?

Any takers? 👀

[dolorianwolf]

Kim Kitsuragi the type of guy to spend hours on his own learning how to spin a pen around his fingers real quick, and when he feels like he’s absolutely mastered it he starts doing it around the precinct but he doesn’t make a big deal of it and if anyone comments on it he shrugs and says “it’s just something I picked up when I was a kid” but that’s a lie! he was up until three last night making sure he could do it without dropping the pen a single time.

[dindjarins]

You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.