#decency lies in actions not emotions

[infiniteorangethethird]

I don't know where this "if you don't feel love/empathy you're evil" idea comes from like if you can only be decent towards people if you love them/feel empathy towards them then I'm pretty sure I'm not the one mistreating more people of the two of us

[savvythepirate]

Taking Care

Pairing: Jack Sparrow x reader

Warnings: None

Requested: No

A/N: This is just another one of my own ideas I wanted to share with you! I hope it’s alright and that you enjoy it!

Feel free to send in any ideas/suggestions if you have any in mind!

***

For quite sometime, you had fought in your own battles of motion sickness that comes upon you.

For the most part, your battles were kept silent. You try to just ignore it until you couldn’t anymore. After being initiated to Jack’s crew, you wanted to prove not only to Jack himself, but to the rest of the crew that you made an excellent new addition. So to you, motion sickness was a sign of weakness and keeping it hidden from the others had been by far, successful on your end.

For the most part, you were always seen by Jack’s side, doing whatever he asked of you to do. Most of the time that was to keep watch with him when sailing to your destination, very rare you were asked to do so on your own. Jack seemed to take a huge liking to you, the crew liked you as well, but didn’t dare to come close to even talking to while Jack was around. They knew he would only scold them for approaching anywhere near you. The past few weeks, you were lucky enough to not get seasick, and it was nice not having to pretend everything was fine when things really weren’t. When you got seasick, or not only made you feeling nauseous, but it would trigger some anxiety and you’d get a little emotional. Today however, was different. It was different because the sickness seemed to be catching up with you and what’s worse, it was more intense then usual. You were keeping watch with Jack as usual when it unexpectedly hit, and you were already taking action on hiding it from everyone. You tried looking straight ahead, hoping that would help ease the nausea feeling that kept sprouting more intently. You were thanking god that you weren’t the one sailing, it gave you the opportunity to come up with an excuse to walk around a little.

“I’m going down to get a drink, do you want something?” You ask, hoping he wouldn’t question your excuse.

“Just bring a bottle back and we can share it.”

You nod in understanding before walking off. As you make your way down, you made sure you were out of his sight before leaning over the side of the ship, staring down at the ocean’s waters. It didn’t seem like that much timing had gone by until a voice interrupts your thoughts, earning your attention.

“Where you ever going to tell me?”

Looking over your shoulder, you see Jack walking over to you.

“Sorry?”

“You’re not well, are you?”

Before you respond, you wonder how he was able to figure out the fact of how you’re feeling. But then again, you know Jack wasn’t stupid when it comes to these things, even though you thought you were a master at keeping things from him as well as everyone else.

“I’m just feeling a little seasick.” You admit.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it’s nothing to be worried about, it’ll pass over quickly. I’m starting to feel a lot better now.” You lied.

At that point, Jack could only shake his head, not believing you were feeling better. He not only had known something was up, but he can also pick up when someone is lying to him quicker then you might think.

“(Y/n), if you’re gonna lie to me, you ought to at least have the decency to be good at it. I know you’re not feeling any better like you claim, you’ve turned pale enough now that you’re almost green. Maybe you should take it easy today and rest.”

“No, I’ll be alright-“

“Don’t argue, you need to take it easy. That’s not a request, it’s an order.”

You let out a defeated sigh, hanging your head, staring at your feet as you respond.

“Yes, captain.”

With that, you allow him to lead you to where you can take the day and rest after he puts someone else on watch.

Knowing this was a side of Jack that most don’t get to see, you can’t help but wonder how you got lucky enough to be the one to see it. As said before, Jack had taken a liking to you and though he’d never admit it, but how you get a slight hint is through his actions that takes place. He tries not to make obvious to you, but it doesn’t take you very long to pick up on that fact. You can’t say the same for the crew, as they have yet to take notice in it. If they have, they never had mentioned it in brief conversation. You don’t know it yet, maybe just slightly, but you are about to find yourself taking a liking to him in the exact same way. It will come through after witnessing the way he tries to help take care of you, making sure you have everything you need to recover from getting seasick.

What antidote seemed to help the most was not only the fact he takes really good care of you, but it was the company he brought to you when he’d come check on you.

“Just take care until I return to see you.”

“Will do, captain.”

“I shouldn’t be away for too long.”

That was something you know you can always count on from him.

***

Requests: OPEN

@savvythepirate

[marathehomosexual]

what is your opinion of Hanamonogatari?

I am currently watching it actually, its been a long while so i might be remembering somethings wrong, but i really like it. Suruga is one of my favorites characters from Monogatari and i always wanted to know more about her.

I think hanamonogatari serves as a Microcosm of the whole series. It deals with youth, the consequences of curses, the hate and fear of the self, how we see and deal with family and how eventually we must pack it all up and walk towards adult life, it will always be with us, no matter how much we cherish or hate, we wouldn't be the person we are today without it.

I personally like the antagonist of this season, Rouka as Kanbaru herself points takes an stance similar to Araragi, but i'd say Meme is closer to rouka than Araragi, she offer to hear people troubles but never saves them, she lets them to themselves until they help themselves, of course Meme at least had the decency of helping them save themselves, but Rouka is a distorted logical conclusion to this philosophy, that kanbaru rightfully shows discontent with. If all you do is promise a solution and then do nothing but wait it out you're nothing more than a con-man, but at the same time she might work as a ray of hope giving people the strength to move on due to the promise of a solution.

Does this justify what she does? I don't think it needs to justify anything, because at the end she is doing nothing, it would one of thing to judge an action, but to judge inaction is much more difficult and in a way pointless, is like trying to say if Zero is a negative or a positive, in the end it is neither, its only Zero

Now lets talk about the arm, the arm of the monkey, the hand of the Rainy Devil, the connection between Kanbaru Suruga and Gaen Tooe. I think its important to make a distinction between Gaen Tooe and Kanbaru Tooe, as Tooe said "If you can't become a cure, become poison, otherwise you'll only be plain water". These words from her youth are to me what represents the Rainy Devil the best, Suruga wasn't the fastest girl, so she wished to be the one for the hand, and so she attacked the girl faster than her, she couldn't become cure so she became poison.

And that is the difference that lies between Gaen Tooe and Kanbaru Tooe, Kanbaru Tooe rejected her own philosophy, she rejected the Rainy Devil, she accepted being plain water, she accepted being a simple human, because thats what she is, what she always was, specialist, no matter how powerful or inhumane are just humans at the end of the day, they can't do everything, and they can't know everything, as much as they wish they could. And even if water is plain, even if can be found everywhere and we might not even notice it, water is still the most important substance of them all, for it is the origin of all life.

Rouka wants to become poison, she seeks the rainy devil thinking she can become something above what she is now, that she can abandon the past and walk towards a life as a demon, but there is no devil, there are only devilish humans, as Suruga said. And thats a thing that we can all pick up, we're all human, that is the main message for this arc. Tooe wasn't a god-like specialist, she was just a human who loved her family. Kaiki isn't a monster who only loves money, he is just a human who doesn't like to show his emotions. Kanbaru isn't a monster for desiring bad things for Araragi and the girl from her middle school, she is just a human experiencing Envy.

Even with all the devil parts Rouka would still be human, because the Rainy Devil is a human, the Rainy Devil is Gaen Tooe, the same way Oshino Ougi is Araragi Koyomi, despite our dark past, our secrets, the emotions we keep hidden, the desire that nothing may change, things will still change, our seniors are going to graduate, we will learn new things about our family and friends, we may never come back but thats okay, its okay to cry, its okay to have weird feelings to your mother, its okay to miss your friends, its okay to be a lesbian, everything is fine, because we're human, things are only this way because we are humans, not Devils, not Gods, not Monsters, we are humans

Thats the message of the whole series but thats why i like Hanamonogatari, it is a microcosm of the whole series in 5 beautiful episodes that i'm loving rewatch, and hope to rewatch again and again until i can say every phrase from the back of my mind

[blackautmedia]

For any fandom of your choice: 7.what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

13.worst blorboficiation

16you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Oooh, these are good ones!

what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

Purah from Legend of Zelda, 100%. "Hate" is a strong word, so more I'm very strongly indifferent to her. Really, I just get weirded out by the near constant hypersexualization with her, especially coming off of BotW making her a small child. Between her and Riju, it's really uncomfortable.

worst blorboficiation

Uncle Iroh. I'm tired of any old animated character of being compared to him for showing kids any degree of decency. Setting aside him being a war criminal and servant of imperial powers for years himself, there's the way they decide who is and isn't deserving of sympathy in who gets written off as "crazy."

I've seen some people point out how the comics try to address this with how he treats Azula, but I've never read them and can't comment on them.

We have no shortage of old animated dudes being loving, supportive people to kids without the same baggage.

Avatar is another one of those shows that falls into "has a lot of great things going for it, but is mired by an unwillingness to have a genuine understanding and dialogue about Orientalism and Imperialism."

you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

I've been watching a lot of people play Persona 3 Reload lately and I don't know if this is really a "trope" per se but I feel people can be really insistent on stories constantly comforting and kissing up to the player character in games?

The number of people who frame this scene as Yukari "Trauma dumping" instead of "Yukari sharing this information because she was uncomfortable with how you were lied to, spied on, and had your personal information shared with others without your consent" comes to mind.

There are a lot of moments where characters are extremely emotional and blow up at you because they're going through a lot and they usually even apologize to you once they calm down.

There's a point where one of your teammates snaps at you saying "you think you know me!?" Mind you, this is minutes after they watched a video of their father being violently killed and they even explicitly apologize and remark on how overwhelmed and scared they feel.

And to me it's just kind of disheartening how I've seen four or five different instances now of people stopping the moment someone snaps at them in the heat of the moment in a game for them to go on a long tangent about how they hate this character now that they had a moment of being emotional.

I don't think it necessarily translates to how people treat their actual friends, but at the same time it's still a real problem for them when someone creates even the slightest bit of discomfort to me. Like do we not ever have friends that have breakdowns or rough moments or even moments of exhaustion where you can let them just do that without labeling them trauma dumpers or whatever?

I've had former friends who would actually do these kinds of things, so I'm always gonna side-eye it when I see it.

I'm not saying to put up with abuse from people, but I also find that stories that brush at even the slightest bit of emotional discomfort get met with so much pushback.

Persona games in general already written with a major power fantasy element in mind, so it's not like the game is ever short on imagining the player character as the bestest, most popular, most athletic, most amazing person ever.

Even several of reload's new scenes feel like they're trying to almost do damage control for characters at times, as if we needed an additional moment to help better "soften" the player to their actions as if what they did was so evil. It also gets doubly weird when you factor in gender and how these things get ten times worse when women are labeled horrible people for acting emotional in emotionally charged situations but nobody has that same heat for men doing the same thing.

Like I remember back when Skyward Sword was new how many people were so heated at Impa for her berating you…once? The game even gives you a moment to rub it back in her face when she's been grounded, but the trope of games constantly need to make sure nobody is ever mean to the player and if they are they're constantly berated by the story for it, much like Revali.

[dontmeantobepoliticalbut]

For at least seven years, Donald Trump and his neofascist movement have inflicted abuse of many kinds on the American people — emotional, physical, financial, spiritual and psychological. The Republican Party and the "conservative" movement have, for the most part, been eager participants and accomplices in this abuse.

As the 2022 midterm elections suggest, many Americans are finally trying to break free of this abuse. That, however, is the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship, when the abuser often lashes out and does everything they can — up to and including extreme violence — to keep the victim under their control.

In a December 2020 interview with Salon, neuroscientist Seth Norrholm discussed how this dynamic works.

"There will be some type of formal legal action taken, such as a divorce or restraining order. There will be some attempt by the abuser to push the boundaries of the restraining order, for example. That can involve physical stalking or online stalking. They may make a dummy account to track and stalk their target online as well. The relationship is formally dissolved, but the abusive elements still remain.

Now, if we think of Trump as being in an abusive relationship with the American people, this is unique in the country's history….

The worst thing one can do for a malignant narcissist or an abuser like Donald Trump is to tell him or her that they are correct or to otherwise validate the lies and false persona. Because then not only is this person pathologically telling themselves how special they are and how superior they are, but they have an echo chamber that is telling them the same thing.

Clinical work and other research show that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is the end. That is when there is likely to be an escalation of some sort. This is when the abuser is most likely to be at their most volatile."

Trump and his movement have been slowed down in their attacks on democracy and human decency, but they have not been stopped or defeated.

Just before Thanksgiving, Trump hosted the antisemitic rapper Kanye West (who now styles himself Ye), along with white supremacist and neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes, for dinner at Mar-a-Lago.

Last week, a group affiliated with the antisemitic QAnon cult held an event at Mar-a-Lago. Trump welcomed them in person, saying, "You are incredible people, you are doing unbelievable work, and we just appreciate you being here and we hope you're going to be back."

The next day, Trump endorsed a message on his Truth Social site which claimed that the Jan. 6 Capitol attack and coup attempt was a "false flag" operation designed to entrap or incriminate "innocent" Trump supporters. That narrative fits into a much larger disinformation and propaganda strategy by Trump and his movement seeking to minimize or falsify the events of that day while simultaneously supporting and encouraging right-wing political violence.

In a hearing held before the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals last Wednesday, an attorney for Donald Trump argued that when Trump was president he could have told his followers "to burn Congress down" and would still have been immune from any lawsuits brought against him by the victims. This Bloomberg News report provides the context for that extraordinary claim:

"Presidents do typically enjoy immunity from lawsuits over official acts, which includes election-related activity. Chief Circuit Judge Sri Srinivasan on Wednesday asked Binnall if that should apply to a President who urged supporters in a private meeting to go to the polls and intimidate voters to prevent them from exercising their right to vote.

Binnall said that would be 'horrible' but that, yes, immunity would apply. He said the line for liability for a sitting President should be drawn at 'purely personal' conduct and interests, such as sexual assault allegations or a conversation between a President and their stockbroker about financial holdings. But he suggested a President urging his supporters to question the electoral vote count was merely using the office's well-established 'bully pulpit.'

Circuit Judge Greg Katsas said he was struggling with the fact that the case against Trump involved 'at least colorable' allegations that he incited the mob that attacked the Capitol. Katsas then posed the hypothetical of a President urging supporters to 'burn down Congress.'

Binnall said civil immunity would apply in that instance too, but he said impeachment and possible post-presidency criminal charges would offer other avenues for accountability.

Building off her colleagues' hypotheticals, Judge Judith Rogers asked if Trump's position was that there was no role for the courts even if there was a finding that a President was 'seeking to destroy our constitutional system.' Binnall replied that, based on such facts, such acts shouldn't be subject to civil litigation."

In essence, Trump is arguing through his lawyers that he was or is almost entirely above the law. That certainly aligns with his most ominous recent threat to American democracy and the country's future, his proclamation that the Constitution should be "terminated" in order to return him to office immediately. Trump has never stopped claiming that Joe Biden is an illegitimate president and should be removed from office. This is not just hyperbole or empty rhetoric: Public opinion research shows that Trump has millions of followers who are potentially willing to support or engage in acts of terrorism to accomplish such a goal.

Although a handful of prominent Republicans have begrudgingly criticized Trump's direct threat against the Constitution and the rule of law, most have remained silent, including Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, Trump's supposed political rival.

As Ruth Marcus of the Washington Post writes, "This is insurrectionism by social media":

"This is insurrectionism by social media. Nothing — and certainly not imaginary 'Fraud,' capitalized or not — 'allows for the termination' of constitutional guarantees. Trump is laying the groundwork for a coup.

We can dismiss the post as just the latest Trumpian bluster, something he will never be capable of implementing. Yet the mere willingness to entertain and encourage extra-constitutional action is alarming coming from a man who is seeking to return to office.

Which is why Trump's words must be highlighted — and called out. I'm past expecting Republican leaders to speak out. We know that, for most, their spines have collapsed and their courage reduced to a shrunken kernel."

Rep. David Joyce of Ohio, chair of the Republican Governance Group, even said in an ABC News interview that Trump's threats against the Constitution were not automatically disqualifying and that he would support Trump if he becomes the 2024 Republican nominee.

In a statement, the Lincoln Project, a leading anti-Trump conservative group, sounded the alarm about this perilous moment: "Donald Trump and the MAGA movement must be defeated or the American experiment will come to a crashing end. Americans must join together, place their policy differences aside and confront the existential threat posed by Donald Trump and his anti-democracy supporters in 2024."

A new op-ed at the Kansas City Star perfectly channels how so many Americans are feeling in this moment: "If you listened closely, you could hear millions of Americans sighing with relief Tuesday night, as the results from Georgia's runoff Senate election came in."

Absolutely true. Americans are exhausted and need to catch their breath to prepare for what will still be an extended struggle to defend, secure, heal and expand democracy against neofascism and authoritarianism and other forms of civic and societal evil. There is no question that the election of Joe Biden, and the mixed results of the 2022 midterms, has gained pro-democracy forces a little breathing space. But the Republican fascists and the larger white right and conservative movement are not done with their abuse. Republicans will soon control the House of Representatives and will do everything in their power to inflict further pain on the American people, which will only be amplified by the country's pre-existing forms of inequality and the structural violence it inflicts on millions of vulnerable Americans every day.

Some factions of the right are quarreling and divided, which is helpful, but they will be back, not remotely deterred in their attempts to end American democracy and to engage in acts of maximum cruelty against the long list of people they consider their enemies. Now is not the time for the American people and the country's pro-democracy movement to back off or relax. The decision to escape the abuser is a crucially important first step. But it does not mean the danger has passed.

[keicordelle]

Not a Champion, Just a Knight, Ch. 3 (So Goes the Darkness)

Fandom: FFXIV Rating: M Pairing: Past F WoL/Haurchefant Greystone Word Count: 4.4k Archive Warnings: Major Character Death, Graphic Depictions of Violence Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Haurchefant Greystone Lives, Angst, Tragedy, Dark, Grief/Mourning, Body Horror, POV First Person

Summary: You have ever been my hero. Now, you must be the world's. I pass my mantle to you.

Atop the Vault after racing to save Aymeric, Ser Zephirin hurls his Spear of Fury and Haurchefant is not fast enough to save the Warrior of Light. As she lies dying in his arms, she makes one final request of him: that he take up her title and become Eorzea's new hero. Overcome with grief, he vows to avenge her death, and sets his sights and his rage on Thordan and his knights twelve. Even so, he is not the vaunted Warrior of Light, and he cannot face these challenges alone.

-

The door to the Lord Commander's office banged loudly as I threw it open, the guards that might once have impeded my warpath having long since abandoned their post. Barely contained rage simmered under my skin, feeding the dark flame until I felt it might pour out of me if I weren't careful, and I swallowed down as much of the emotion as I could stomach as my eyes landed on Aymeric, head in his hands as he sat behind his desk. He hadn't so much as looked up when I entered, and that needled at me. He ought to at least have the decency to look me in the eyes and face the consequences of his actions.

(He looks like a man on the brink of despair, the voice of reason whispered in the back of my mind, but it was just as quiet as the voice of darkness had once been, smothered behind a sea of injustice, and I couldn't find the compassion within me to offer him right then.)

"Aymeric. This has gone on too long. Honoroit is on death's door this morning because of your rumors! They beat him and left him for dead on our doorstep; he's lucky to even be breathing. This has to stop! Innocent people are getting hurt because of us!"

"What do you suggest we do, Lord Haurchefant?" he asked without looking at me, voice low but surprisingly strong. "I can think of naught I might do to aid the innocent, and we are at last on the precipice of change."

"We are on the precipice of civil war!" It came out as a roar, and at last he looked up, startled, his pale eyes darkened with misery.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he admitted, more candid than I'd ever heard him. Gone was the proud man who'd taken up the Lord Commander's office in hopes of bettering his country; all that remained in its place was a broken knight, weighted by tragedy. I peered at him, pushing aside my anger to truly take his measure for the first time. Exhaustion shrouded his eyes, dark bags speaking of little sleep and great stress. He cheeks seemed sunken, the angles of his face seeming too sharp, and he looked to have lost weight. His shoulders drooped, and his lower lip was red and torn from the worrying of his teeth against the soft flesh.

"Short of abandoning the city to the church and handing myself over for public execution, I know not how I might resolve this chaos," he continued. "Though I fear even that would not stop the cries for blood at this point. The Holy See will not be happy unless we are all four of us eliminated. But even if my death were enough to put an end to all this, I would not see the city left undefended before Nidhogg's might. With the Warrior of Light and Estinien both fallen, there is none but us who might stand a chance at-" He cut himself off as the pounding sound of heavy boots against marble sounded, his lips drawing into a thin line as he looked past me to the Temple Knight who burst in, fully armored and breathing hard.

"My lord! Apologies for the intrusion, but there has been a development in the conflict with the church. Riots and fires have broken out across the city, and the streets are in chaos!"

-

Read the rest on Ao3!

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[mrkis]

a twlg essay from one of my faves @thetypingpup!! ellie, you never disappoint me with these, thank you so much for being so involved. truly makes my day!! everything is below the cut!!!

Just wanted to respond to a couple points I've seen about jaemin not being as much of an asshole. We've seen mc go through anguish bc of the arrangement and bc of him and what he's done, while he's over here in la la land. We have not seen mc do anything that hurts or negatively impacts jaemin the way we've seen jaemin do with her. We just have yet to see it. The scales are very uneven at this point in time. That was the main point of the last long ass thing I wrote yesterday. In terms of thinking they're both equally flawed and equally being stupid, the text so far just doesn't support that bc we have not seen mc negatively affect jaemin to the same extent, nor have we seen mc make questionable decisions the way jaemin has.

With the debates about the exclusive proposal and whether or not it was a mutual decision later on, or if you wanna go further down the line and mention jaemin leaving in the middle of sex to go see eunbin, promising he'd come back, and then doing nothing of the sort, mc has yet to do anything like that. Mc has not done anything that we'd be able to debate or call into question to the same extent, and if you list things mc did wrong vs things jaemin did wrong, it's a very uneven list with actions that aren't weighted the same. So it's really hard for me to think like oh yea they're both just dumbasses or that jaemin's not that much of an asshole. Nah the scales are not tipping in jaemin's favor, nor are they balanced at all from my perspective.

Also the whole "he's a man" sentiment I've been seeing floating around confuses me a bit. Now I never said he was an abuser (nor have I seen any of his critics actually say that) bc he's not. That requires more that jaemin just does not have in him nor has he exhibited. Definitely no malice or deliberate manipulation. Withholding the mia reason is still really terrible i can't emphasize that enough, but at least he has the decency to feel guilty about it. An actual absuer wouldn't feel guilty about that. And it's easy to argue that that's super personal and he really doesn't know mc like that yet, but that falls apart when you remember he agreed to the honesty rule and he even pointed out the honesty rule to mc before this when she shied away from talking about Eric, and she opened up to all that personal shit with him. But when it's his turn to be fully honest what does he have to say? That he wants to do away with one of mc's fundamental boundaries to be able to act on his urges in public bc in private "where's the fun in that?". A lovely man indeed, complete non asshole.To say his actions at times are at best sus and questionable and at worst veer on the problematic, that checks out, and the whole "he's a man" aspect being brought up confuses me bc that doesn't make it any better. Men have a propensity to think with their dicks, but mc hasn't regarded him as a means to a sexual and/or emotional end the same way jaemin has to her. I doubt she would refer to jaemin as a distraction the way he did for example. She would add some more humanity to her descriptors of him, like a *friend* she has sex and fucks around with not a whole distraction. So reading some of jaemin's views on her it's like yeesh ok. All men do is lie yes, but he still lied that's still not good. When has mc ever lied to him for the reasons he lied to her? And his jealous "I'm not jealous" thing with yangyang too bc I noticed that mentioned, is sus too. By that point in his pov he's hasn't made it seem like he cares much about mc outside of sleeping with her and finding joy in the fact that she makes him forget about his ex, and if we're being honest it's moreso the latter the sex is more like a vehicle for that. So it just looked like he was jealous not bc of any care or feelings, but that another man was touching the woman that he is also touching. After all, he's a man right? 😬

Sidenote the asks about jaemin and yangyang not liking each other made me chuckle but they have a point. At this point have we seen them do anything but bicker and be petty over mc? 🤔

Now with the pills I wanna clarify what my issue was bc I should've clarified that more. As far as sobriety questions are concerned, my issue specifically is when mc is clearly affected by it, so three way kiss scene and on. So that man hauling her off for that bathroom scene and in his head being all like "*butterfly meme* is this exclusive?", hmm I gotta squint at that. To be fair he had injested some of it too, but we haven't seen details of him being affected by it in his pov vs what we see in mc's pov about being her affected. It didn't seem like mc was affected by the pill when she initiated the public kiss with jaemin BUT jaemim assuming that meant she wanted to be exclusive even tho that's not what she explicitly said EVER so far in the text, that was selfish as all fuck and honestly veers into the realm of sus. We have not seen mc be that selfish. If anything we've seen the opposite. And the fact that he had to try and convince himself it was mutual that's a red flag, but at least he had the decency to ponder it and question the validity of his decision, so pink flag? I'm not in the business of applauding fish for swimming, bc ofc you're supposed ponder where the other person's head is that's literally the bare minimum, but jaemin needs all the brownie points he can get it's hard for him in these streets.

Overtime jaemin does seem to care about mc outside of sex and forgetting about his ex, but it's not nearly to the extent that we've seen mc care about jaemin. We've seen selfishness motivate his actions more than we've seen it motivate mc's. The whole reason his attitude towards mc and debates about how shitty he is are coming up, at least for me, are bc of all these apparent feelings he has for her as a person and all this apparent care he has outside of sex and forgetting about his ex. If they were both regarding each other as just booty calls this whole time this wouldn't be nearly as much of a debate, but that just hasn't been the case. All the moments combined from all the parts make it look like they're in a relationship in everything but name, and we clearly see how mc regards him. Now it's time to scrutinize jaemin.

So far in his POV, anytime a moment would come up and it's like "oh here's some genuine care for mc" "oh here's a moment previously in mc's pov that seemed cute" or hinting at something more, it gets undermined by whatever follows or whatever is going on in his head during the moment and i'm like "oop nvm sorry for thinking you were being sweet my humblest apologizes". One example being the Eric pill part. It seemed like one thing in mc's pov, mostly protective with a hint of wanting to show eric what for, but then seeing the primary and secondary reasons are switched around with whole "it's all for show" attitude from jaemin (seriously what the fuck?) and all his thoughts in that scene, I was like "oops nvm thought you were doing this mostly to be protective so sorry to assume 🙏🏾". The fingering scene disparity is another one bc it's one thing to view the same moment differently that's how people work, but to me from mc's pov it seemed somewhat cute with the faintest hints of lustful infatuation. But then once i got in jaemin's head and all he could think about was all the things he could do to this person who spread her legs for him bc he finally forgot about his ex, i was like "welp sorry to assume won't happen again sir 🙏🏾". There's other assorted moments like that which is where the sweetness turning sour turning bitter came from.

So yea it’s the incongruence of the way they're regarding each other, and the disparity in the severity of their actions, that's where a lot of the distrust of jaemin comes from for me. Can't speak for everyone else, but this is why it's so hard to for me see him as more than a fucking asshole and a jackass (all the ass words really), and why it's hard to be anything but sad and sympathetic towards mc. I can't see this as even in any way, and now I'm fully expecting that man to undermine any cuteness or care that comes up in the next part bc that's his brand so far. Key words in all of this being "so far". Gonna wait for part 6.2 bc maybe mc will be more questionable in that part. Maybe it will be more level in terms of sus actions. Maybe jaemin will be just as negatively impacted as mc has been at this point. Fuck maybe jaemin will end up crying over mc the way she cried over him. Maybe. I would actually love to see that, more serious flaws and even some questionable shit from mc. That would be fascinating to read omg I would love to analyze her on that level. But who knows what's to come? (except you Cas ofc 😅)

[ mrkis response ] : i know i've said it before in the discord but ellie... istg if you somehow do a complete 180 from six(pt2) i will literally piss myself. but i'm... honestly loving these type of questions and reactions from you... watch me make jaemin a complete asshole on purpose just to get a reaction again out of you LMAO

anyways! it's true that opinions have changed on jaemin since six(pt1) come out... i did warn in the warnings that his pov could change everything!!! i just didn't think it would get like this jdkjsd but i'm so thankful. some of jaemins actions have been a bit... odd. and can come across as hurtful towards mc without a doubt. but jaemins head at that time is very "this is a fwb situation. we just fuck each other". and admittedly, mc's head should be like that too but shes just too sweet and kind and thoughtful :(

with jaemin leaving mc to go see eunbin and never coming back despite telling her he would, i promise there's a reason for that!! i've spoiled it a lil bit in the discord but i assure you, there was a reason behind it. everything happens for a reason here!! :D i can't really go into much detail abt it... but trust me :p

yangyang and jaemin really do bicker a lot which makes me laugh too, especially when people point it out kdjsfeijf and they do only ever talk abt mc... one of my fave moments from six(pt1) was when they where bickering in the kitchen and yangyang asked if jaemin had fucked her yet, and jaemin shot back with a "i will before you ever will" he was mean in that scene... and it definitely got to yangyang.

the pill scene was hard but fun to write. the pill didn't kick in for any of them when mc first initiated the kiss in front of everyone, that was sober her wanting to kiss him. in her pov, where she was like "fuck the crowd" it was her way of saying "fuck everyone, i wanna make out with this guy whenever i want too" !!!BUT!!! communication, yet again, is key. they needed to communicate abt it first. them thinking/answering in their heads does not help this situation at all.

jaemin does care abt mc outside of sex... and he does have a hard time showing it. he does things in his own little ways. but mc for sure does care abt jaemin more. mc is giving her 70% while jaemin is giving his 30% atm. its not fifty fifty... yet :p

[saintobio]

sincerely not. (12)

↳ gojou satoru/reader

with an arranged marriage set in place, the sacred bond is doomed with a wife who wants to make the relationship work and a husband who’s ready to ruin it all. unbeknown to him, a tragic fate already lies within the pages of his romance book.

genre. heavy angst, unrequited love, arranged marriage, modern au, 18+

tags/warnings. profanity, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of miscarriage, mentions of infidelity, mentions of death, physical abuse (not to reader), violence, blood

notes. 14k wc longest chapter yet. my savior @suhkusa tysm for the consistent beta <3 the RE parallels go hard on this one, i hope u guys enjoy!! do not spoil on the replies pls

series masterlist -> episode thirteen

Ieiri had seen all types of reactions from her patients before. Some women would visit her clinic with huge smiles on their faces while learning about their pregnancy, while others would spend the next nine months forlornly because having a baby inside their womb was not something that they had prepared for. Not everyone who came to her were expectants, either. There were those who have been trying to conceive for months, but could not seem to find the luck, so they wanted to check if anything specific was preventing their chances. Infertility was not uncommon and many women tend to suffer from underlying factors such as having polycystic ovarian syndrome, hormonal fluctuations, or endometriosis. Certain times, when a woman does end up conceiving a baby, not all bodies were healthy enough to carry the fetus for nine months. This was why the topic of pregnancy could be very sensitive to some people because it carried many negative connotations that could range from infertility to miscarriage. As an obstetrician-gynecologist, she had been accustomed to the spectrum of emotions that her patients would show and today was just another one of those experiences for her.

Except, while Ieiri was looking at Sera, all she could think of was you. She thought of how this news could damage you, especially since you had a heart condition that could be fatally dangerous once you found out that Gojou had possibly gotten another woman pregnant. Shoko was never supportive of her best friend’s affair and had she known that Satoru was going to mess up, she would have placed more effort into criticizing his actions rather than just ‘not meddling with his business’. Because now every time her eyes met Sera, the very image of infidelity came to her mind. If only the two lovers had the decency to break up prior to the marriage, none of this would have happened and you would never have had to deal with the painful consequences.

“Are you nervous?”

“Not at all,” Sera answered, evidently lying as she sat still with her hands clenched above her lap.

She must be anxious. Ieiri picked up the white plastic cup from her table and walked towards the cabinet where she kept all the pregnancy test tubes hidden. And just to make sure, she grabbed two and heard Sera take a deep breath as she watched how the doctor dropped urine on both tubes before leaning against the counter to look back at her. “Shouldn’t you have taken a pregnancy test at home?”

“I did, didn’t I say that already? It was positive and Satoru doesn’t wanna believe it,” she snapped, furrowing her brows as she spoke. Unlike before, Sera was visibly aloof towards her now. They used to be appropriately casual around each other, but it was pretty obvious that Sera knew where Ieiri's loyalty was and that the latter didn’t support their extramarital relationship, hence her biased opinion was what prompted Sera to not pretend and act all nice around her anymore. In her head, Ieiri was nothing but a traitor.

Sighing, Shoko reached for her stethoscope and pulled a stool to sit in front of the woman. “Let me check.” She could see the frustration on her eyes that never vanished even as Ieiri began pressing the diaphragm against her chest. And as they waited for the result while simultaneously checking Sera’s breathing, Ieiri thought it was the perfect opportunity to give her an insight of the relationship between you and your husband. “Were you aware that they’re childhood lovers?”

The speed of her patient’s heartbeat suddenly increased. “Huh?”

“Y/N and Satoru,” Ieiri continued, moving the medical device on other places of her chest, “they’ve been paired since they were born. Their families have had close ties for the longest time, so they spent most of their lives together. He was very fond of her when they were kids.”

There was a flicker of anger and perplexity that appeared on Sera’s face before she masked it with a mirthless smile. “That’s in the past. He loves me now.”

Shoko pulled the stethoscope away from the woman and let it dangle around her neck. “In the past, sure. But don’t you think it’d be easier to fall in love with someone you’ve already loved before? They know each other more than anyone else in the world, they just lost each other’s sight after—”

“Why are you saying all this?” Sera cut her off, irritation streaked her voice. “Do you think I wanna hear it?! Who told you all this nonsense?”

“Your boyfriend,” she answered with an unbothered look on her face. It was a good thing that Ieiri had a perpetual calm exterior because she would have aggravated Sera more had she said it with an evil smirk. No, Ieiri wasn’t like that. But still, the woman deserved to know why her best friend’s marriage to you was not just any random marriage.

However, instead of seeing the light, Sera tauntingly raised an eyebrow up at her. “How can someone who apparently loved his childhood friend be stupid enough to stay with his current girlfriend?” Along with that, she added, “Satoru constantly tells me that he’s not even happy with their bullshit marriage. He insults her whenever he’s with me. Did he say that to you, too?”

Ieiri wasn’t even the wife, but she was at a loss of words with the audacity of this mistress to talk proudly. Why has Sera become unreasonably hostile? Ieiri wouldn’t put it past Satoru to say those things in the beginning of your marriage, but she was doubtful that he still felt the same antagonism towards you at all. “You must’ve been on cloud nine whenever he spoke ill of her.”

“Of course,” Sera spitefully replied. Shoko must have hit the nail for the woman to act inimical around her like this. “She’s actually so naive and pathetic. I feel sorry for her.”

Unbelievable. Was Satoru aware that his mistress could be this vile? That this was her true nature without her cloak of innocence? To think of it, Ieiri couldn’t even remember what he liked about this woman and she wasn’t really interested to hear about their fairytale. She was more concerned in knowing whether her best friend would actually have to suffer having Sera as the mother of his child. Tragic, she thought as she ignored Sera’s words by checking the tubes that were placed atop the counter.

The moment of truth. Shoko’s eyes widened as she finally saw the results that could change the lives of the people around her. Despite her calmness, her lips had then stretched into a thin smile.

Karma.

She wasn’t carrying his child.

It was pure, savory karma when the test tubes read only one red line each. Aside from that, a nurse came at the perfect timing by entering the clinic to hand out Sera’s blood test results. Shoko now had all the results on her hands while her patient looked at her with hopeful but anxious eyes that wanted good news for her sake and not anyone else’s. Unfortunately, these tests couldn’t be wrong.

“Sera,” Ieiri carefully said after the nurse closed the door to give them some privacy, “I think this is the heavens’ way of telling you that you’re not meant to have his baby.”

Her angelic face instantly turned white as paper while she placed a hand on her baby-less tummy, concurrently shaking her head and holding her breath. The whites of her eyes had become more visible now that she took this news with great surprise. Did she really want a baby with him that bad while he was married? This girl was truly something else. It was even pitiful how she immediately refused the results. “That can’t be possible! I’m late, I swear I’m—I was having morning sickness and other symptoms.”

“High levels of progesterone, particularly during PMS, can cause symptoms that mimic pregnancy,” she explained to her with medical facts. “Even if you were ovulating that day, there are many factors that could have prevented your conception. You seem to be under a lot of stress. When you have high levels of cortisol, it can negatively affect your ovulation and fertility. Besides, these test results are accurate and we cannot lie to our patients.”

Ieiri didn’t expect tears to quickly build up in Sera's eyes who looked absolutely devastated to hear that she was not carrying her lover’s baby. Just a minute ago, she was all lofty and defensive despite learning about yours and Satoru’s childhood relationship, yet here she was on the verge of crying as though life has been nothing but unfair to her. As if she was the neglected wife who got cheated on by her husband. Did she ever put herself in your shoes to see how awful it actually was to have a husband but with another woman in the same picture?

While Sera contained her tears, Shoko tried sliding the envelope that carried her result, but the former snatched it harshly and read the contents with the desperate belief that things would change if her eyes went over it a thousand times. “This is… This isn’t real.”

“Why do you want a baby with him so bad?” Shoko decided to ask. “He’s already married, Sera. I’m sure you’ll find someone else who can give you the family you want. Someone who doesn’t already have a wife.”

She didn’t even bother listening to Ieiri’s words when she got up and wiped her tear-stained cheeks, later pulling up a rigid face before stomping out of the clinic. Now that was a little dramatic, was it? Ieiri had to press the tips of her fingers on her temple when she followed her out of the clinic, only to see her standing face to face with an extremely nervous and restless Gojou.

“What’s the result?” he asked with eager eyes that clearly wanted a negative result. He looked back and forth between her and Sera, holding his breath as he waited in anticipation. “Is Sera pregnant? Ieiri, tell me—”

The answer wasn’t a straight yes or no. The answer was Sera ripping the results of her blood test, causing shock on both Shoko and Satoru’s faces. “I’m not,” she admitted, swallowing her pride and looking at him as if to say ‘Are you happy now?’.

Ieiri wanted to palm her face when she saw Satoru’s reaction, because it was clear that he had to at least comfort Sera from the disappointment she felt, but the man had no ounce of care when he sighed out of relief knowing how this had been burdening him all week. A curve was even tugging at his lips as he internally celebrated the idea that his and Sera’s child was nonexistent. The man looked absolutely like someone who won the lottery.

He could have at least spared his so-called mistress from this reaction.

“Thank fuck,” he mumbled under his breath with all the anxiety leaving his body completely. Somehow, Ieiri was fulfilled to have done her part by confirming that that Sera truly was not pregnant. If this had turned out otherwise, she had no idea what would happen to them or how Satoru would deal with it. At least, he no longer had to worry about it and all that he could say was, “I appreciate it, Ieiri.”

Sera, on the other hand, was great at holding her tears back in. Her eyes were red when she looked at the very man that she loved. “You’re such an insensitive prick.” With that, she walked out leaving Gojou dumbfounded by her choice of words. It was Ieiri who urged him to chase after her.

“End things with her now,” she reminded her best friend. “This is the perfect opportunity to choose your wife. If you really wanna be with Y/N, be devoted to her.”

How could this happen? Sera wanted to scream when she walked out of the hospital, wiping the ceaseless tears that gushed out of her eyes for the past few minutes. She stalled about taking the test for a whole week because she thought that Satoru would change his mind about demanding legitimate proof from her. Why was Satoru so goddamn adamant about getting Ieiri to verify her pregnancy? Didn’t he love her enough to believe her words alone? This scenario could have been ideal had he not cornered her into setting up an appointment with his best friend. What happened to trust that he had given her throughout their relationship? Why was he suddenly throwing all of that away?

“Sera, let’s talk.”

Her breathing became steady upon hearing his voice, but she didn’t bother to turn around and look at his face. It was painful, too painful to see just how candid he was at being happy about her misfortune in exchange for you. “Then, talk,” she then answered through gritted teeth.

Gojou placed his gentle hands on her shoulders and made her face him. This time around, his eyes were more sympathetic than joyous. “Sera, I’m sorry. It wasn’t meant to be,” he tried to console, pulling her for an embrace that only made her tear up even more. Having herself wrapped around his arms was breaking her heart so much more than she expected. “You’ll have a baby soon. At the right time with the right person.”

Although, despite his attempt to comfort her, his last statement led her to push him by the chest. Anger was clouding her mind at his willingness to let her go that easily. “What do you mean ‘the right person’? Did you forget what you said to me before you married that… that entitled woman?”

He sighed and did not bother pulling her for a hug again. “My wife isn’t entitled,” was his initial answer before going straight to the point, “and I already told you last time, I made promises to you that I can’t fulfill. I’m sorry for hurting you and for dragging you into this, Sera. It’s… It’s better that we stop seeing each other.”

A week ago, Satoru had no idea how much she sobbed on her pillow when he brought up the fact that he wanted you. He was not aware that Sera did not eat her meals at the right time, that she did not have the strength to get up every single day, dreading that she really was not pregnant with his child and that he would no longer have anything to hold onto. He didn’t know that she couldn’t sleep well at night as his torturous words rang in her ears like a broken record.

‘When I hurt my wife, I hurt myself, too.’ What a liar. ‘I want her. I can’t think straight when I’m not with her.’

Sera threw her fist on his chest because of the rage that was building inside her heart. “Why didn’t you tell me that you’ve known her since you were kids?” she questioned with tearful eyes. She slammed her fist harsher against him, causing the man to flinch from the pain that she was inflicting. “You made a fool out of me! Did you enjoy playing with me? It’s because I’m not rich, right? You’re ashamed of me, that’s why you’re dropping me so easily! How dare you… H-How dare you!”

Her accusations were followed with the continuous slam of her balled hands. With the amount of frustration that settled on her mind, she did not hold back from hitting him everywhere—his chest, his arm, his cheek. She was ruthless with how she slapped his face hard enough that the ring on her finger left a bleeding cut on his cheekbone. Even at that, she couldn’t refrain herself from being violent because her anger had already consumed her.

The abused, while refusing to fight back, looked at her with absolute hurt in his eyes. Still, he allowed her to hit him so she could release all of her pent-up anger while he wiped the blood on his cheek. “I’ve done worse things to my wife, but she was never this physically violent to me.”

It was only until she heard his words when Sera froze, remembering the gravity of Satoru’s trauma when it came to physical abuse. His trembling fingers and heavy breathing woke her up from the pique that arose within her—placing her in a state of momentary shock before she gathered herself together by taking a step back. In spite of her guilt, she didn’t apologize. “Don’t paint me as a bad person. I’m the one who’s always suffering here.”

“Yeah, this is all my fault,” he agreed, exhaling deeply. “Hurt me as much as you want, but don’t place the same resentment towards my wife. She’s done nothing but understand us both.”

Was she supposed to feel sorry for her? Sera released a laugh of disbelief. “You’re defending her now? You can’t be devoted overnight, Gojou. Cut the act. You know you’re just gonna end up running back to me.”

His stance remained stiff. It was clear in his eyes that there was no way for Sera to convince him to stay anymore and it was upsetting her twice as much as the last conversation that they had in the parking lot just a week ago. “I can still change and lessen the damage. I’ll do it for her.”

Ridiculous. Satoru has truly changed. She wasn’t crying because she was jealous, she was tearing up because she couldn’t accept the fact that her man had turned into another person. It felt as though she had lost the lover that showed what happiness felt like to her. The man who made her believe that dreams could turn into reality and how love could feel so magical that it would take you into another world that was ideal in every way that she imagined. But this, all of it got taken away from her because of you. “She’s not gonna be happy,” she said, gazing up at him with determination. “I assure you she won’t.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a reminder.”

For the next minute, they stood in front of each other while engulfed with cold silence. Silence that felt like eternity as she stared at him and he stared at her. It was hard to believe that the man who declared his utmost love for her was now the same man who would choose someone that was not even on par with her aside from her status and wealth. Nothing was special about you except your ability to fool people with your pretentious innocence.

“Why choose her?” she asked, once and for all. “I don’t care if she’s your wife or not. Why did you suddenly change your mind?”

He reached for her face and wiped the tears on her cheek—the comfort was within his actions, but not within his words when he answered, “It’s always been her.”

“Will she be alright? Nee-chan, what if she doesn’t wake up?”

That voice came from a girl.

“Don’t be ridiculous! She’s breathing.”

And another one.

“I’ll wake her up.”

No, that was from a boy this time.

While struggling to open your eyes, you heard the familiar voices getting louder and louder as they argued about either leaving you be or waking you up from your seemingly long slumber. Was it evening already? You felt the rush of a headache when you finally managed to open your eyes, seeing an unfamiliar beige ceiling accented with gold colors. By the time you sat up, you nearly gasped when your gaze landed on the three teenagers standing at the edge of your spacious bed.

“H-Hey, guys,” you spoke with a raspy voice, attempting your best to sit up as nausea kicked back in. At the Zen’in estate was where you found yourself, but… how did you end up lying insensate in their household? “What happened? Why am I here?”

Maki, Mai, and Megumi traded glances with each other before the latter took the initiative to answer your question. “You drove here, Mrs. Gojou,” he politely confirmed, “but you passed out as soon as my dad rushed to your car.”

Christ. Because you had been sobbing nonstop while you were driving, you were no longer in the right mind as you headed to their place without prior notice after the situation that you discovered back in the hospital. All the crying was what made you feel queasy and you felt absolutely sorry for the unnecessary trouble that you’ve caused. “This is so embarrassing. I-I’m sorry, you guys—”

“No, no. It’s okay, nee-chan!” Mai immediately sat on your side and gave you a glass of water that you didn’t notice she was carrying. “Drink some water. How are you feeling?”

While you took a few gulps from the glass, the same worry could be seen in Maki’s visage. “We got so worried. Should we take you to the hospital?”

Right. The hospital. Satoru has a baby with Sera. You remembered why you came here now. Being around this young trio was what gave you solace when you first visited them back then, and you wanted an excuse to distract your pain by supposedly seeking the same peace of mind. It just so happened that you passed out, again, after shedding tears because of your husband and his mistress. This wasn’t the first time that you fainted because of the two people that constantly tormented your soul.

And now they were about to have a family together.

The thought pricked your heart with small needles, painful enough that it sent beeps to your smartwatch to signal your abnormal heartbeat. You had to quickly press the button and shut it down as you returned the twins’ concerned gazes. “I’m feeling fine, don’t worry. How long have I been unconscious?”

“About an hour,” said Megumi, assessing your face carefully. “You looked a little pale when you arrived.”

Mai rubbed your back, sadness plastering her face as she looked at you. “Are you okay? Is there anything that’s bothering you?”

“Did you have a fight with Satoru?” Maki asked, dropping any formality attached to your husband. They were all showing utmost concern as though they were ready to fight the whole world for you. How could you not love them?

But as much as you wanted to pour your feelings out to them, you stood firm with the thought that they weren’t at the right age to be exposed to the toxicity of your marriage. All you wanted was to be surrounded by the positive atmosphere that their family has, and thinking about it now, you were just going to ruin it if you ever brought up your failing relationship with your husband. They shouldn’t be burdened by your unhappiness because it was none of their concern. Your life, your marriage—you should know where to set boundaries instead of being an unwanted liability. The onus was on you, and always would be, to salvage your supposed marital bond. What even made you think that you could just barge in their home and hope that you would be free of agony in a blink of an eye? You were a hopeless case.

You opened your mouth to respond, but the sudden knock on the door held you back from further apologizing. There, standing at the corner, was Toji Zen’in who looked at the trio with communicative eyes. “Kids? Can you leave us for a while?”

It looked like the three of them were hesitant to leave you alone, but believed that it was better to give you and Toji some privacy so you could openly explain why you appeared at their house in such a pitiful state. If you were honest, you felt ashamed for having to be seen with swollen eyes and a colorless face, but you were grateful for their understanding when they all gave you a reassuring smile before completely heading out of the room. Toji only took the chance to approach you closer once the trio was out of earshot.

“Hi,” you awkwardly greeted, sitting upright as he found his own seat at the edge of the bed. “Is this your room?”

He offered a small smile while watching your emotions intently. “Guest room. How are you?”

You didn’t have to say it. You knew Toji was able to discern just through your expression alone and it was all he needed to see to conclude that you were having troubles concerning your marriage. Again. It must be tiring for him to hear, but you didn’t know who else to confide in. You couldn’t exactly tell Gen or your father about it, you couldn’t talk to Ieiri, and you had no one else but yourself. It was hard enough to explain the situation straight to the point, so you decided to beat around the bush and ask the man about something else. “Toji, do you…” you paused, keeping your eyes set on his verdant ones, “did you ever do anything unforgivable to your wife, yet she still found a way to forgive you?”

For a few minutes, his eyes were glued to the floor and you were about to apologize for unintentionally prying into his married life, but the man was quick to return your gaze with certain gentleness. “We didn’t have the same problems like you did,” he revealed, pressing his palm against the mattress as he leaned back and pushed his weight onto it, “but we did deal with my family’s scrutiny. You see, I got my wife pregnant when we were barely twenty. It was an accidental pregnancy. I wasn’t exactly an established businessman back then, and we had a shotgun marriage because my parents didn’t want Megumi to be born out of wedlock.”

You hugged your knees as you listened to his orotund voice. It was only now that you were hearing this story and you were grateful that he was allowing you to learn about it. “But you loved her, right?”

“I still do, so much.” You recognized the loneliness in his voice and could feel, for the first time since you met, that this was Toji’s vulnerable side. A side that would only come out whenever he was thinking of his late wife. “She… she didn’t make it after giving birth. I couldn’t save her. That was the moment I felt useless that I couldn’t even do anything to keep my wife by my side. She suffered with so much stress from putting up with my family, you know? If I had done anything unforgivable, it was the fact that I involved myself with her life in the first place.”

You weren’t exactly sure of what the right words were to say to provide him with the same comfort that he always gave you. You never wished so badly to have had the same ability to give the best advice like he did. Toji was a man who tragically lost a wife, not from another man, but from the separation between life and death. Seeing his situation and juxtaposing it from yours made your pain seem minuscule compared to the vast amount in his. Even though he suffered through such a colossal heartache, it was inspiring to see how Toji could still go on and live through the halcyon days of sunshine. Does time truly heal? While you couldn’t give him any comforting words, what you did was to pull him for a soft embrace.

There was warmth from his body that assuaged your throbbing heart and you hoped that he could at least get the same feeling from you. “I’m sorry to hear that, Toji.” Resting your head on his shoulder, you let out a deep breath. “I’m sure your wife doesn’t regret being with you and I know that she would’ve wanted you to be happy even when she’s no longer by your side.”

He pulled away by holding both of your arms to give you a rueful smile. “Hey, now. Weren’t you the one who came here for consolation?” Although there was a hint of playfulness in his tone, you understood that he was trying to divert from the pain of losing his wife by focusing on you instead.

Toji had done enough to try and understand you. You realized that there was no need to sugarcoat things when you finally admitted to the truth because you would have to tell him one way or another.

“Satoru got his mistress pregnant.���

It was a normal reaction to see how he widened his eyes at your revelation, but it wasn’t the best feeling in the world to think about your husband starting a family with another woman outside of your marriage. It was crushing you into pieces that couldn’t be mended. You knew that he didn’t love you. You knew that he loved Sera. You knew that he was always bound to end up with her regardless of the ties that made you husband and wife. However, you would not deny the fact that Satoru was an important person in your life. People could call you a martyr, an empath, a pitiful wife, but none of them could ever understand how hard it was to be in a position where letting go may be more painful than staying. No other pain in the world was tantamount to how you were feeling. You had your health to think about, you had your families to worry about—everything was a domino effect to the comeuppance that awaited you and Satoru.

“How sure are you?” Toji asked after a while. It was visible in his face how confused and frustrated he was on behalf of you. “Did he tell you?”

You shook your head, preventing the oncoming surge of tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes. “I saw them at the hospital. Why else would he take her to a gynecologist?”

His response was a heavy exhale. “That’s… There could be many other reasons. Don’t you wanna clear the air and talk to him about it first?”

“If he wanted to tell me, he would have already done it, you know?” You pressed your lips together. “He’s probably already thinking of divorcing me so he could marry her. He already has a reason to stay with her.”

Toji’s eyes were full of sympathy for you, but knowing your hardships and the lows you’ve been through, he was in no position to question how you were overthinking the next things that would happen because of Sera’s pregnancy. “What are you planning to do?”

You could ask yourself the same question. What am I planning to do? You’ve said it a million times that Satoru getting another woman pregnant was the last straw, but you didn’t exactly prepare the next steps that you would be taking now that you jinxed the result of his infidelity into reality. Should you take things further by legal means? You could only imagine the amount of stress that it would put both of your families in.

Before you answered, you placed a hand on your chest and rubbed the sore spot before the pain could dominate your entire body. “I’m gonna leave him.” And you meant it. You meant it even if it hurt to say it. You weren’t sure about how exactly you would leave, but you would find a way to do so. There was nothing else to hold onto and there was no marriage to fix. Only constant heartaches and recurring tears.

Upon hearing your decision, Toji glanced at your lips and held his breath. “If that’s what you—”

“Dad.” Megumi’s voice nearly startled you as the boy peeked through the door. “Sorry to interrupt, but her husband’s looking for her. He’s waiting outside.”

Oh, God. This situation. Satoru came here? Instead of feeling aggravated, you were more embarrassed that you were unexpectedly causing such a scene in the Zen’in household. Even Naoya, who emerged from the other room, was smiling in intrigue as if the situation was his daily dose of reality TV.

“I should leave.” You hurriedly got up from bed while Toji assisted you like a gentleman, and you didn’t miss his questions of whether you could walk fine or if you were still experiencing headaches. Truth be told, you were too nauseous that you wanted to throw up, but decided to just continue walking next to him until you’ve reached the grand foyer. “I’m just a little dizzy, I’ll be fine. I’m really, really sorry for troubling you and your family.”

Toji placed a hand on your back as he guided you out to the front door. He must have noticed how anxious you were to see your husband’s face again after what happened this afternoon, because you couldn’t stop chewing on your lip—a habit that you often did when you were agitated. How did Gojou even find out that you were here? You drew in a deep breath and exhaled. Act cold, you reminded yourself. Don’t show any weakness.

“I got you,” Toji whispered, matching your footsteps as you finally reached the outdoor fountain.

You immediately spotted Satoru who got out of his car with a heavy frown directed towards his business rival. He was approaching the man closer, looking back and forth between you two as he made accusations inside his head. It was easy to put malice in the situation because it wasn’t a good look for a married woman to stay at another man’s house at eight in the evening. But then again, wasn’t he the one who got another woman pregnant?

Come to think of it, you didn’t even get an explanation. All of these thoughts had awoken you from your previously anxious state, now shifting into a defensive stance in front of your husband who was visibly upset at the sight of you next to Toji.

“Before you accuse her, she didn’t cheat on you,” the raven-haired man clarified, keeping a firm countenance to uphold your dignity. “She was just here to visit the kids.”

“Hell! I’m not accusing my wife. I know her better than anyone.” You were surprised when Satoru ignored him and instead turned to you with a pleading look on his pale face. “You weren’t answering my calls. I got worried.”

“Who told you I was here?” you questioned rather curtly. The more you stared at his face, the more you could feel your ire growing each second.

“Naoya,” your husband answered, earning Toji’s huff while Satoru attempted to reach for your hand. “Where’s your car key?”

You pulled your hand away. “I’m staying at my dad’s place tonight.”

Confusion quickly bathed his eyes as if he couldn’t understand your antipathy. Was he simply clueless as to why you were acting hostile around him? He, of all people, should know that you have already reached your limit. “Y/N… If you’re mad about something, we can talk at home.”

“No.”

“But I promised you movie night, remember?”

It was absurd how he even had the audacity to bring up the movie night that he planned with you this morning when he was out all afternoon catering to his pregnant mistress. You felt sick. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

“Yes,” he immediately responded like a docile puppy who was ready to listen to his owner, “with you.”

What game is he playing? You couldn’t understand his behavior, yet you still ended up suppressing a scoff. “You can go.”

“Baby, please. Let’s go home.” Gojou reached his hand out, but your feet were stuck on the concrete floor deciding whether or not you could sleep in his arms for another night.

After everything, you were surprisingly numb. His presence was a gasoline that ignited flames of 15,000 degrees Fahrenheit within your soul. Even when you were ice cold around him, his fire still burned through your heart.

Toji saw through your facial expression and quickly understood the dilemma that you had inside of your head. So instead of keeping his silence, he shot a grim stare towards your husband. “You want her to come home, but do things that drive her away. Make up your mind.”

As much as he tried to contain his frustration, Toji’s words were the only thing that made Satoru livid. “Our marriage is none of your damn business.”

“Marriage?” Toji smiled. “I don’t see a ring on her finger.”

You already saw it coming. You were prepared as you watched how a triggered Satoru charged at the older guy, but you got in between before he could attempt to grab Toji’s collar. You’ve caused enough disturbance in their estate and having them fighting like this was the last thing you wanted. Unfortunately, the only way to prevent it was to keep your adulterous husband away.

“Stop!” you raised your voice at him, placing your hands on his chest to hold him back. “Don’t make a scene.”

He didn’t listen. Although he wrapped an arm around your waist, he was still too angry when he looked at Toji with gritted teeth. “Ring or not, she’s still my wife. And I don’t want my wife around a womanizer like you.”

Instead of taking umbrage from your husband’s words, Toji was guffawing. “You’re one to talk.”

“Watch your—”

“Satoru, that’s enough!” Compared to Toji, he was acting like such a kid. You had no other choice but to grab his hand and drag him back into his car, opening his door and urging him to hop inside. If he was going to act like a child, you might as well treat him like one. “Get in. I’ll drive my own car.”

He gave you a look of protest. “What if you don’t follow me?”

“I’ll follow your car, just get in.” You stomped away and headed towards the white Corvette from where Toji stood, waiting for you with an amused grin displayed on his face. You were thankful that he found it entertaining at the very least because you didn’t mean to put him in such an uncomfortable spot. “I’m really sorry, Toji.”

He pinched your nose teasingly. “Stop apologizing,” and as he glanced at Gojou, his expression changed when he met your eyes with his worried ones. “You sure you can handle being around him?”

The answer was no, but it wasn’t like you had many options. This was your marriage and you would have to talk to him one way or another. “It’s fine,” you lied, opening the door to see the package atop the passenger seat. The shoes. “Oh, wait… Toji.”

The man waited in curiosity as you reached for the paper bag, pulling it out of the car before handing it to him. To say that he was surprised was an understatement, but it brought a temporary smile on your face to see him taking the gift that you purchased out of gratitude for his kindness. “What’s…?” he trailed off, peeking through the paper bag.

“It’s a gift. I thought it would look good on you,” you said as you watched how his eyes coruscated with a glint of appreciation. “Thanks for always being there for me.”

You didn’t know what was hurting you more—the fact that Gojou was pretending that nothing happened or the fact that he still didn’t bother to tell you about Sera’s pregnancy. You already spent half an hour in the bathtub for the sake of keeping your mind at peace, ruminating about how to act around a husband who had gotten his mistress pregnant. With the continuous crying that you did this afternoon, you felt like a dried prune with no more tears left to shed. You were at a point where you were choosing not to sob over your husband any longer. He didn’t deserve a single drop of your tears after all the anguish that he has put you through.

How funny would it be that he was actually hiding Sera’s pregnancy so you could raise the baby as yours instead? Perhaps he wasn’t aiming to divorce you, but would want you to remain by his side and keep Sera next to him for the rest of your lives. Your dignity was close to nonexistent since the beginning of this marriage and your husband seemed to know very well that you would always find a reason to forgive him for every hurtful thing that he could do. When has he ever shown genuine love and affection for you? It was hard enough to recognize if his actions were genuine or if he had any other underlying intentions behind it. While he did say that he would make it up to you, why did he still do things that recklessly hammered your heart to a beaten pulp?

It must be fun for him to play all these games with you. It must be entertaining how he could casually walk around your shared bedroom while you lacked the energy to argue with him. He probably believed that he had already won—that you were once again submitting to the downsides of this pathetic marriage because you cared for him more than you expected.

You were a fool for falling into his trap over and over again that it was hard to find an escape where things wouldn’t be half as painful as you imagined. Whatever Satoru’s plan was for him and Sera, did he intend to make you a side character to their romance until the day you would die?

You couldn’t blame the child that she was carrying, but it would be hard to love the same child whose mother was one of the reasons for your misery.

There was not another word spoken as you climbed into bed while your husband entered the room in a PJ set matching yours. Had this been a different situation, you would have gushed at how much of a real couple you two were acting like. Had you been the same person when this marriage first began, you would have immediately nestled up in his arms and given him the sweetest kisses on the lips.

Right now, all you could feel was resentment.

You didn’t talk as you settled into bed, resting your back against the headboard as you could see in the corner of your eyes that your husband sat on his side of the bed. He was the first one who tried to cut the tension by randomly asking, “Do you still wanna watch movies with me?”

Why was there innocence in his eyes? Why did he look happy without any trace of guilt for knocking up another woman behind your back? He told you that he was going to settle things for the both of you, but why did he seem so guiltless for ruining this marriage all the more? It even looked like he was celebrating something inside his head without any regard to your human feelings. He must hate you so much that he was not revealing Sera’s pregnancy to you.

“No.” Your expression remained stern even as he scooted closer to wrap an arm around your waist. “Get off me.”

Surprised by your attitude, he pulled away and looked at your eyes following a sigh that escaped his lips. You noticed that there was a small wound on his cheekbone as he moved inches away from your face. “Are you still mad about earlier? I’m sorry for throwing a fit. I just… get very jealous when you’re around him.”

That’s it? Toji wasn’t even the issue here. It was him and Sera. Always him and her.

“Do you have anything else to say to me?” you asked, rigid and austere as you sent him a piercing gaze. “I’d rather you tell me now than later.”

He blinked slowly as if he wasn’t ready to see this antagonism from you—as if he couldn’t believe that his gentle and loving wife was capable of being cold-hearted. You considered that if he was honest to you about his child, you would be more forgiving. All he had to do was admit everything to you. “You sound a bit angry.” On the other hand, he surprised you by planting a soft kiss on your forehead and on your cheek. “You need to calm down and get some rest.”

In the end, even if he didn’t admit to it, he already gave you an answer. His reluctance to tell you the truth was a clear sign that you were nothing but a joke to him.

“I would have been happier if I married someone else,” you spoke your own truth, only to see the wave of heartbreak that washed over his face.

Despite his ruined ego, he still buried his face on the crook of your neck. “Baby, don’t say that. I’m trying.”

Trying? You laughed inwardly. Where?

How ironic was it that you were initially the one who was hopelessly trying to make this marriage work even if you knew that your efforts were all futile in the end?

Wasn’t he the one who hated you since the very beginning? His whole ‘I never asked for you’ and ‘You’ll never be Sera’ still left bruises on your heart even if he tried his best to win you now. And yet again, there was an ache in your chest as you pushed him off, turning your back on him after you tucked yourself under the duvet. This was the moment where you had finally decided that you were done.

“Y/N—”

“Sleep on the couch. I’m not sharing a bed with you.”

Sera’s eyes were already red and swollen after crying for the past two days. Because she wasn’t ready to come to work in such a devastated state, she decided to call-in sick and stay at home for the rest of the day. Her room was a mess after she wrecked everything out of extreme frustration because it was hard to accept that she lost the only man she ever loved this much.

Satoru, the Satoru she fell deeply in love with. The Satoru who promised to divorce his wife to be with her. The Satoru who vowed to give her a beautiful life and a luxurious mansion once he was an established businessman. Was this part of his plans at all? It must be. There was no reason for him to pick you over her regardless if you had been childhood friends. He was probably saying all that so he could play his role better.

That must be the reason. He could never pick you.

These thoughts stayed with her until high noon when she finally had the strength to get up and prepare for her day. She stared at herself in the mirror and thought of how she would look in those clothes that you often wore, convinced that she could pull them off far better than you ever would. Why not? She had the perfect figure. Her face was flawless. The only thing she lacked was enough money.

“It’s always about the fucking money,” she angrily muttered under breath as she slammed her lipstick down. Soon enough, there was a knock on her door and she looked up to see her mother peeking through. “What do you want?”

The woman’s eyes were full of worry. “Are you going somewhere, my daughter? You haven’t eaten much for the past two days.”

Sera furrowed her brows and grabbed her purse. “Maybe if you cooked better food, I will.”

“But—”

“Why can’t all of you just leave me the hell alone?” she snapped, getting up from her seat to choose the best pair of sandals that she owned. “Go check on Jiro instead! You’re always all up in my face like you’ve done anything to help me earn enough money.”

The mother was hurt by her own daughter’s cruel words, but she tried to look past it by picking up the clothes that were strewn across her room. “Sera, are you having problems with your boyfriend?”

She took a deep breath, rage boiling inside her head. “What’s it to you?”

“It’s just that…” Her mom folded her clothes neatly as she talked. “You seem to be really stressed lately. I’m worried about you. You’ve never allowed us to meet your boyfriend until now, so I wanna know if he’s treating you well. Maybe you should invite him over so your father and I can get to know him.”

The simple thought of letting her family meet Satoru made her cringe. “Let him meet you? Do you see how ugly our house is? Even if we did move into a better house, this is probably just the size of his bedroom!”

The daughter glared at her mom despite the latter’s attempt at comforting her. “Sera, if he really loves you then he’ll accept you for who you are no matter how big your house is or how much money you have in your bank account.”

Funny. Sera scoffed, raising an eyebrow up at her. “If that’s so true, then why did you end up with a useless husband like our dad? Why didn’t you get to marry someone richer and more responsible?”

“That’s…”

“Don’t meddle with my personal life again,” she spoke those words carefully, grabbing her coat from the rack before walking past her mom. That woman had no right to butt in and lecture her about how to deal with men when she was not in a good position in life herself. Why did she even assume that Sera needed her advice?

On the bright side, today should be better. Sera had planned it all out after giving Miss Eula a call the night prior and the woman was very kind at reassuring her that Satoru may just be confused right now. She was told that he was only acting this way because the merger was going to be announced at the 50th Anniversary soon, so he was desperate to keep you by his side. This further confirmed Sera’s theory that Satoru only broke up with her because he had to play his part.

A smile crept up on her lips. “How pitiful.” She thought of how shattered you would be once you found out that your own husband was only using you. She couldn’t wait to talk to Satoru’s stepmom and hear some advice on how to handle her situation now that her ‘ex-boyfriend’ had decided to distance himself.

However, by the time she walked into the café, it wasn’t Miss Eula who came to their meeting place. It was一strangely一Naoya Zen’in.

Sera had to double take the sight to make sure that she wasn’t dreaming, but the man was already waving at her from his table, urging her to join him with a handsome grin on his face. It appeared that he already ordered lavish pastries and freshly brewed coffees when she did take her seat across from him. “Why are you… Where’s Miss Eula?”

“Hm?” Naoya looked up after sipping his coffee—eyes turning into moon crescents as he smiled. “Don’t worry about it. She had a last minute golf club event with her husband so it’s just you and me. Sera, right? I’m sure you already know who I am.”

This was confusing. Sera couldn’t seem to connect the dots. “Yeah. How are you related to Miss Eula?”

“Ah, that… She’s like a second mom to me.” There was no hint of dishonesty in Naoya’s playful eyes. Although the man was a known casanova, his friendliness could not be mistaken as flirting. Or perhaps Sera had taken his interest? Either way, the man went straight to the point when he spoke again. “You don’t have to feel uncomfortable around me. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Sera tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ear and grabbed the cup of coffee. “Like what?”

“That you’re the woman that captured Satoru-kun’s heart?” he casually brought up, gazing at her every feature as if he was mesmerized by her beauty. “I can see why. Aside from being hardworking, you’re incredibly gorgeous. It’s a shame he’s married to someone like Y/N, you know? She may have the status and the wealth, but that’s all that she has.”

So he could understand her point very well. That’s great. Sera was already too engaged in the conversation before she knew it. “Why did you wanna meet me?”

Naoya comfortably leaned back on his seat and tapped the mahogany table as he responded, “I admire people like Eula—I mean, Mrs. Gojou. She didn’t come from an affluent family so she worked her way up and achieved everything that she wanted because she deserved it. After hearing about you from her, I instantly wanted to partake in helping you out.”

“Helping me?” The Americano coffee left a bitter taste on her tongue as she looked at him in curiosity.

The man chuckled at how innocent her eyes were. Since she had such an angelic face, he must be starstruck with her immense beauty. “Yeah, like giving you advice on how to win Satoru-kun back and secure him in your life. You can’t let that awful woman take him away just because she’s rich. You had him first, so you need to stake your claim.” He then sighed dramatically before adding, “Damn, I hate it when people like you get treated unfairly.”

He’s right. He’s so right. Sera leaned forward as her interest in the conversation spiked up even more. “Shouldn’t you hate Satoru? You’re a business rival.”

“But we’re not talking about business, are we?” Naoya shrugged. “We’re good acquaintances outside of the business world. I actually admire him and wish him the best. His stepmom wouldn’t be talking to me if I was someone to be wary of, don’t you think?”

She considered the thought and agreed because Naoya didn’t seem to raise any suspicions from her. In fact, he gained her trust the minute he spoke about her exact sentiments. It was the first time she had ever heard someone with the same status and wealth like Naoya openly acknowledge her struggles and just how unfair life was to average people like her. He was kind, perceptive, and sagacious. He was a man of good judgement and character. Taking all of those into consideration, she finally decided to open up. “He actually broke up with me,” the words left her mouth with distinct sadness, “I think it’s very timely that the merger is coming up which is why he did it, but it also made me wonder if he really does like her.”

“Doubt it,” Naoya affirmed without a second to spare. “There’s nothing much to like about her, and even if he was blinded, it’s all on the surface. He’s probably just able to relate to her more than he can with you. Think about it, Y/N-chan wears Chanel, her bags are Birkin, and her shoes are Stuart Weitzman. Satoru-kun wears Zegna, his shoes are Ferragamo. They fit together, so where does that fit you and your no-name clothes?”

Sera furrowed her brows and held the cup tighter. “You’re so mean.”

“I’m just stating my point, beautiful. Honesty is better than sugar-coating things.” He looked at her, unfazed by her pout. “If you wanna get his attention back, you need to change some things, be it the way you dress or the way you talk. Satoru-kun may not say it, but he likes women with class.” The man smirked as he made his point. “Technically, that’s Y/N-chan’s domain. She exudes grace like royalty and that’s because she was treated like a princess since she was born. It’s second nature to her.”

She wasn’t enjoying the praises that Naoya was giving you so she placed her own judgement on top of his. “Well, she never really understood other people’s struggles and is acting all righteous. She literally has the whole world bowing at her feet and she wants to take Satoru away from me, too. That’s not classy to me. It makes her look cheap and obsessive.”

“Fair point.” Naoya hummed in agreement, seemingly amused by Sera’s choice of words. “But talking trash about her shouldn’t be your goal. That’s the one thing you should never do when you’re talking to Satoru. It’s all reverse psychology一praise her when you’re around him and he’ll start to think highly of you. You also shouldn’t act hostile around her, especially in public, because she’s a woman who cares about her family’s image. You’d look like the bad guy in that situation.”

For Sera, everything that Naoya said actually made so much sense, and she never truly realized things in that perspective until now. Perhaps keeping him around would be really beneficial to her in the long run. “It’s gonna be difficult not to confront her since we’re gonna bump into each other again soon.”

The blond nodded in remembrance. “Right, the anniversary? That’s a huge event. She’s gonna be the star of the show.”

For sure. She had no doubt that you would be flaunting yourself again to let everyone know that you were the wife of the Chairman’s son. “I bet she has everything prepared. Her dress, her shoes…”

“What do you have?” Naoya inquired. “Have you chosen a dress?

“Well, Miss Eula was actually supposed to meet me today so she could lend me one of her Dior dresses,” she said, now recalling that she had nothing to wear since the woman didn’t show up today.

As she pondered on how she was going to find a last minute dress, Naoya seemed to have a better idea than she did because the man was quickly proposing a deal, “I have this friend who manages the boutique for Elie Saab. Let me take you there.”

Was she Cinderella?

Sera couldn’t believe that she was surrounded by men who would willingly buy things for her just to make her feel like the most beautiful princess in the world. She barely knew Naoya personally, but she couldn’t doubt the genuineness that he was showing when he took her to one of their luxury malls. It completely left her mind just how wealthy the man was for being one of the Zen’in heirs, and she was feeling powerful even by standing next to him alone. Shop assistants would bow at her with respect and greet her like she was a VIP because Naoya’s presence also gave her the appeal of an elite.

She hadn’t felt this way before because Gojou never took her out on dates publicly, so she couldn’t enjoy the benefits of being regarded like an aristocrat. And frankly? She enjoyed this. She basked in the feeling of being envied by the low-status people around her—of being seen as part of the upper echelon. It gave her the confidence to hold her chin up high as she followed Naoya inside the store, eyes wandering on the voluminous space that housed a palette of light-toned gowns and dresses that were worth more than she could ever afford.

“Naoya,” a rich-looking woman, assumingly in her early 30’s, came out of the back office to greet the man with a cheek-kiss. “Are you doing rounds?”

Just as Sera expected, Naoya was a social butterfly. He was all smiles when he talked to the woman as though it was easy for him to form any sort of conversation to all kinds of people. Didn’t he study marketing? He seemed to excel with his interpersonal skills. “Meredith, this is Sera,” he introduced the two women with a smile, “Sera, this is Meredith Cho. She’s the General Manager for Elie Saab in Japan.”

It was a little intimidating for Sera to have conversations with a woman like her, so she kept to herself and only greeted her with a courteous smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“Is this your new girlfriend?” the woman asked, grinning at Naoya. Her stance and her lack of acknowledgement made Sera believe that the woman was not interested in her, but was only being polite because of Naoya. What a bitch.

The blond quickly erupted into a cackle. “Come on, Meredith. Not all girls I hang out with are my girlfriends. Sera’s a new friend of mine.” He briefly glanced at her before clearing his throat. “Listen, she needs a dress for a really big event. I’m just wondering if you still have the one that you mentioned to me before?”

Meredith’s eyes widened. “Oh, you mean the one for—”

“Yeah,” Naoya hastily nodded. “That dress. I need it for her. Can you get it for me?”

While she did smile awkwardly, Meredith seemed to have no other choice but to agree. Sera has never felt the urge to pull someone’s hair before. Did this girl actually think that Sera was not worthy to wear the special dress that Naoya was talking about? Because she looked at her from head-to-toe and gave her the fakest smile she had ever seen. “Right, I think it’ll fit her perfectly. Do you wanna come to the back and check it with me first, Naoya?”

The message was clear with her countenance alone. Meredith was certainly going to speak to Naoya in private and ask her what the hell was going through his head to offer such a luxurious dress for a nobody.

“I’ll follow you in a minute,” Naoya told her, watching her fade into the back room while the man turned to Sera. “Can you wait for a while? It’s going to be worth it.”

She hesitated. “That dress seems expensive. I don’t have the money.”

His grin was as smug as ever. “It’s worth four million, but we’re not gonna buy it. We’re just gonna rent it. You have nothing to worry about.”

Sera wasn’t aware that you could rent gowns from high fashion designers like Elie Saab. Or perhaps it was only possible for special requests? Since Naoya was technically the owner of the mall where this boutique resided in, it was only polite to grant his request especially that Meredith was apparently ‘a good friend’ of his or whatever.

She simply waited as Naoya finally left and took interest at the nearby mirror to look at her reflection. From an outsider perspective, Sera’s chosen clothes were already giving her the appeal of an above-average person who seemed to have a decent professional job. But this, she pivoted her body as she stared at herself, this isn’t enough. Your style wasn’t even original, so why couldn’t Sera do the same? She was probably going to look tons better in those clothes than you ever would.

Surprisingly, while she was assessing herself in the mirror, she saw a reflection of a familiar man coming into the boutique with two bodyguards following him behind. His deep voice echoed through the place as all shop assistants lined up to give him a ninety-degree bow until his eyes met Sera’s in great surprise.

It was Toji Zen’in. Luck must be on her side for her to have the chance to befriend both Naoya and Toji on the same day without expecting it. Before she knew it, she turned around and walked closer to him. It was the perfect chance to make these connections. Since Toji seemed to be close to you, Sera wanted to make sure that she could ruin whatever image he had of you in his head.

“Hi,” she began, holding out her hand as an attempt to introduce herself. “I wasn’t able to greet you last time. My name’s Sera.”

It’s impossible that he doesn’t give in. He's a man. Sera realized how dignified he appeared to be—even better than Satoru could ever show in his lifetime. Aside from the fact that he was more powerful and influential in the business world, he also seemed to treat women well. Perhaps he was just feeling bad for you after all.

And while she waited for him to return the gesture, Toji’s eyes did a quick scan of her face before he waved a dismissive hand. “Not interested.”

Huh? Sera stood like a statue caught off guard by the man’s blatant disregard. She was barely processing the way he brushed her off as she watched how the man proceeded to speak to one of the staff.

“I heard Naoya’s in here?” he asked, earning the nod of every store staff member.

And just on cue, the man of honorable mention walked out of the back room in utter surprise. “Toji-kun?” he asked, glancing at Sera then back at him. “Are you doing fieldwork?”

The man nodded once. “I’m taking the kids out for a dinner cruise. Do you wanna come?”

Naoya let out an awkward laugh. Sera was initially very impressed by his domineering personality just a while ago, but Toji clearly has the position of being the most powerful Zen’in in the family. The distinction was too obvious between them. “Ah, I’m kinda in the middle of something, you know.”

Toji didn’t have to look at Sera for her to know that his eyes briefly went to her. “Fine. Don’t cause trouble,” was the last thing he said to Naoya before he walked out of the boutique with his bodyguards trailing behind.

Interesting. Instead of being offended, Toji’s presence roused excitement in her. Sera considered that the man may only be putting up the ‘hard to get’ act. She wouldn’t be surprised if you seduced him just to get him on your side because how else could you make a stoic man have a soft spot for you?

Perhaps you weren’t as innocent as people thought after all.

On the day of the Gojou Group’s 50th Anniversary, you had an excuse to be away from your husband the night prior. Given that he was busy with the preparations, you’ve decided to stay at your dad’s mansion since you were going to attend the event together in the same car. Still, even one night away from your husband didn’t stop him from bombarding you with several messages that did not receive a single reply throughout the night.

Satoru: I miss you. I had a really long and tiring day

Satoru: I can’t sleep when you’re not with me

Satoru: Have you had dinner? Please take care of yourself

Satoru: Good night. I’ll see you tomorrow.

You frowned as you browsed through the text messages that he left you, confused at how he was acting clingy when he could have taken advantage of your absence to go visit the mother of his child. In fact, you hated that he was trying to be affectionate at all because it was giving you a hard time to stick to your decision. No amount of sweet-talking could ever sway your resolve to end things with him once and for all. If he believed that he could cajole you into becoming his affectionate wife again, he should consider himself a clown for thinking so.

All of your negative thoughts must have reflected on your face because your father noticed it when he took a few seconds to glance at you. “Everything alright, darling?”

You offered a small smile and looked outside the window while the car was en route to the InterContinental. “Yes, dad. Are you pushing through with the merger today?”

Your father exhaled and stretched his legs out. “Mhm. That’s the plan. We haven’t finalized the contract but the official announcement will be held tonight as a surprise. Expect it to be on the main headlines the next morning.”

“That’s good.” Tilting your head to look at your dad, you reached out to squeeze his hand. “I’m so glad that I get to come with you to that event, dad.”

There was a look of confusion that lingered on his eyes. “Come on, now. Your husband probably would have wanted you to go together.” Although he was smiling, he also didn’t forget to point out the dress you were wearing. “But I’m not sure if he’ll be pleased to see you in that dress.”

If anything, it would be euphoric to see Satoru’s reaction to the revealing dress that you were wearing. “I’m twenty-five, dad. I’m allowed to wear whatever I want without my husband’s permission.” Besides, you’ve been coordinating with your seamstress for the past two weeks just to make sure that the black dress would look exactly as you envisioned. It oozed of both sophistication and sexiness—meticulously cut to show peekaboo placements within your cleavage and your midriff, added by the risque double slit that accentuated your figure perfectly.

As you expected, the dress was an eye-catcher.

You noted the faces of the company employees and the photographers as soon as you stepped out of the sedan, an arm looped around your father’s while you walked further into the red carpet. There were gasps from the bystanders who were all in awe at your presence as they stood mesmerized by your arrival. You could hear murmurs of how good you looked, of how bold your choice of dress was, and of how they never expected you to wear something so revealing. You also didn’t miss the hushed voices of some women wondering who the designer of your dress was. But the most priceless reaction was from your husband who met you halfway on the red carpet—cerulean eyes bulging out of their sockets as he gaped at you entirely. He had to halt his footsteps, eyeing every inch of skin that was shown from your dress, before continuing to approach you with a perplexed face.

His expression was saying, ‘What the hell are you wearing?’ but he did not voice it out when he leaned in to give you a kiss on the cheek. “You look gorgeous, babe.” And while locking a protective arm around your waist, he then greeted your father. “Dad, thank you for coming.”

“Pleasure is mine, son.” After patting your husband’s back, your dad’s attention was quickly snatched away by your father-in-law and all the other businessmen that were in attendance for tonight’s grandiose celebration.

You ended up having your photos snapped by photographers as you stood next to your husband who never once removed his arm around your waist—a clear move of claiming you in front of all the people in the venue. “Do you have to stand too close?” you mumbled, flashes of white blinding your sight as you heard the shutter go off from every corner. This all felt like a movie premiere and that you were an A-list celebrity whose attention was sought by the audience that surrounded you.

“Did you have to wear that dress?” was Satoru’s rebuttal, though he kept his composure by caressing his thumb on your hip.

“What can I say,” you smiled at one of the photographers as you spoke under your breath, “I love being an attention-seeker.”

Since all eyes were on the both of you everywhere you went, Gojou couldn’t argue with you about anything except to stick by your side for the whole night. It was strange that he didn’t bother to leave unnecessary comments to you just like he did back at the auction event, and instead, he was acting like a complete gentleman for holding your hand and guiding your steps inside the grand ballroom. He took the initiative to introduce you to some of the known businessmen in the industry who all praised you for being the best looking couple to come out since Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie.

You may be impassive towards him, but you still found him ridiculously handsome tonight with his custom-tailored navy blue Brioni suit, emphasizing his lean but muscular physique that was proportionate to his towering height. You could understand the women that looked at your husband’s way because his godly features were out of this world, but all of the compliments that you had for him inside your head had vanished as soon as you caught sight of Sera standing near one of the cocktail tables from a few meters away.

At first, you were surprised. No, stunned. Perhaps even baffled as you eyed her chosen formal attire when she turned to your way while talking to some of her coworkers.

And then you wanted to snort of laughter after getting a full view of her dress. Even Satoru himself had a visible frown when he caught a glimpse of her from a distance. She was wearing such an elaborate pearl satin dress with light gold threads and sewn beads that made her look like she was attending a wedding instead of a company event. But even more, her dress was—

“Y/N, Satoru!”

Turning to the owner of the voice, you were greeted by Mei Mei who was wearing a Zuhair Murad long-sleeved purple gown that you recognized from a recent collection. She exchanged cheek-kisses between you and your husband before walking with you to your designated table. “Feels like a movie premiere, huh? I organized this whole event.”

“No, you didn’t.” Satoru grinned at her while intertwining his fingers with yours. “You just took care of the budget.”

You tried to ignore your husband by acknowledging Mei. “I love your dress, Mei. You look beautiful.”

“I love your dress,” she corrected, “You’re leaving such an impression with how sexy you look. I think every person in this place will remember you after tonight. I wonder how Satoru feels about that?”

Your husband was shaking his head in displeasure. “Wife’s body is for my eyes only.”

Jesus. You wanted to roll your eyes as you looked around to see Yuuta next to his mother. Nana’s absence made you realize that she must have retired trying to attend social gatherings like this because of her old age. On the other hand, you weren’t surprised to see your husband’s stepmom wearing a fancy beige embellished gown with purple patterns and an ostentatious fur resting on her shoulders. You couldn’t understand why she felt the need to wear excessive jewelry when the dress was already glamorous in itself. Honestly, if you were going to round up all the attendees tonight, you would place her and Sera as the most ridiculously dressed. It seemed like they were competing for a pageant, afraid to be overshadowed by anyone else.

To think of it, how could Sera possibly afford that dress? You weren’t trying to demean her, but realistically, it was an exclusive piece from Elie Saab. Realizing that Satoru may have bought it for her suddenly allowed your rage to come back. He couldn’t have done it to insult you, right? You released his hand out of spite as you watched Sera from afar. Her bump wasn’t visible at this stage, so how long could she be pregnant? Three weeks? Four?

Gojou took notice of how stern your gaze was and lifted your chin. “Look at me only,” he said, leaning in to kiss you.

But you dodged his lips before they landed on your lips. “Can you not kiss me in front of everyone?”

Did he expect you to still play the part of a devoted wife just to hide his infidelity? Was he trying to protect the mother of his child by using you as a decoy? He was nuts.

You didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. Even as you were seated next to each other on a round table along with both of your fathers, his stepmom, and Yuuta—not once did you try to hold another conversation with your own husband. You had an excuse of being too focused on the presentations and the performances that were on-going during the event, trying as much as possible to pay no single attention to the hand that was on your thigh each time your eyes wandered around the place.

At some point, you saw Sera again and she was engaged in a conversation with a man—perhaps a colleague—who appeared to have taken an interest in your husband’s mistress. First of all, you pitied that man for being attracted to a woman who was already about to have a family with a married man. Second, you expected that Satoru would jump on his feet and yell at the guy to back off.

Contrarily, he did none of that.

Was he not jealous? All your husband did was look at Sera and the other man before turning his attention back to you and your untouched food. “You don’t like the food?” he asked, rubbing your back. “Do you want something else?”

You suppressed an exhale from coming out. “I don’t have the appetite.” Those were not lies, either. The dishes were great, but your taste buds just didn’t seem to enjoy the decadent meals except for the lemon bars that you’ve happily eaten.

Satoru noticed your food preference and immediately called for a waiter and asked him to bring you more lemon bars.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you muttered, averting your eyes away. When he was showing care and affection like this, when he was being perceptive to your likes and dislikes, when he was being a normal husband under all his facade—you were only hurting more and more inside. You couldn’t stop the sudden pounding in your chest as you thought about the days that would come after this night. The next weeks, months, and years. Would you still feel the same anguish that you were experiencing now?

Despite the growing pain in your chest, you were momentarily distracted when your father-in-law walked up to the stage to give his welcoming speech.

“As we commemorate our 50th founding anniversary, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to everyone in this company for their commendable performance. I am very proud of the way the company has evolved and risen to the challenge even in the face of adversity. Your professionalism, dedication, and patience served as an inspiration to each and every person, including myself as the Chairman and CEO, and for my son, Satoru, who is the current Vice President and the future of the Gojou Group.”

You felt guilty. Guilty, because you didn’t wish to ruin the smile on Satoru’s face as he finally received a well-deserved recognition from his father. Guilty, because this night was meant to be celebrated after half a century of competitive business and market growth.

But to recall all the moments you’ve suffered as a wife to your husband, to see his mistress in the same room without any ounce of repentance on her face, to sit beside the man who vowed to stay with you until death do you part—you realized that your choice should always be yourself. Not him, not the business, and certainly not Sera.

At the end of the day, this was going to happen whether you wanted it or not. This marriage was doomed ever since you met Satoru on the altar and continued exchanging vows with him, even as his eyes refused you of the love a groom was meant to have for his bride.

I have to protect me, you reminded yourself. My heart, my soul. You should be spared of this pain from hereafter.

When your father-in-law returned to his seat and joined the rest of you in the round table, your face was solemn as you wiped your mouth with a napkin. You could see your father and your in-laws expressing their excitement over the announcement of the merger that would soon come up in a few minutes. You could see Yuuta congratulating Satoru for his contribution to the company’s success. Everyone had their own reasons to smile except for you.

“I want a divorce.”

The reaction was just as you expected. Someone choking on their drink, someone dropping a fork, but the common reaction that everyone in that round table all shared was to look at you in great shock.

“My goodness!”

“Nee-chan…”

“Y/N…”

Satoru was as pale as a ghost. His eyes were wide and his breathing became still as if your announcement had put him into a daze. He was speechless, caught off guard while processing the words that flew out of your mouth. He couldn’t even blink, speak, or do anything but to turn his head to look at you with shiny eyes.

Strangely enough, your father-in-law’s initial reaction was to glare at his son before he looked back and forth between you and your husband. Your father, on one hand, remained calm and collected even if he was just as confused. Your stepmother pretended to be surprised, but you recognized it when someone was faking their reactions. As for Yuuta, well… he looked worried for his stepbrother.

“Baby,” Satoru pleaded, squeezing your hand and desperately shaking his head as though he was convincing you to not proceed with this. The brokenness in his voice and the stretch of pain evident from his face almost made your heart pump heavier than normal.

Your father-in-law laughed awkwardly. It seemed that he, too, was about to lose his sanity from your sudden request. “Are you… Are you sure about this, Y/N? It’s too soon. I don’t think this is the perfect time to—”

“Darling,” your father chimed in with his serious, domineering voice that overpowered your dad-in-law’s. It was for the first time in a long while that your dad showed this kind of dour expression. This version of your dad was scary, but you knew that he would support you with whatever you choose to do. “Are you sure you want a divorce?”

“Yes. I’m sure.” You held your chin up high. There was no time to feel sorrow right now. You could cry when you were alone in your room, but tonight you had to show a different side of you. “I’ll draw up the papers as soon as possible. As for the reason for the divorce, your son can speak for himself.”

Your job was done here.

Despite the devastation that casted your husband’s face, you tried to not to give in as you got up from your seat and paid a courteous bow towards your father and in-laws before you left all of them completely stupefied at the round table.

Your footsteps were small, but haste as you walked past the guests who had no single idea what occurred between you and your family. They all had no idea that their Vice President was in an extramarital relationship with one of the company’s receptionists and that your marriage had fallen apart because of them.

And just how timely it was that you came across Sera just before you could make an exit out of the grand ballroom as she looked at you with her full lashes and brown doe eyes. You couldn’t help but glance at her stomach and feel absolutely sickened by the image of infidelity that plagued your mind with the most heartbreaking thoughts.

She raised an eyebrow up at you and crossed her arms. “Are you happy that you got everyone’s attention with your dress?”

What? You remained level-headed despite her taunting remark.

“Just so you know… Your dress,” your voice was calmer than the sea, but your eyes were as cold as ice when you looked at her from head-to-toe, “is the same dress I had rejected for my wedding reception. Don’t embarrass yourself in front of me again.”

You had no idea why Sera would pick a dress that was specifically tailored for you, but it seemed that she wanted to ridicule you with it not knowing that it was her who looked pitiful.

“You seem to want everything that I have, Sera.”

Your husband, your marriage, and your life as a mother of his child. What else did she want? Your house, your car, and your jewelry? You didn’t stay to see her reaction when you walked out of that godforsaken place to leave her standing immobile from where she stood.

You didn’t stay to hear Satoru calling for your name because you knew that if you showed even the tiniest bit of weakness, all the walls you’ve built around yourself would just come crashing back down to ground zero.

Maybe the most tragic part of this was the fact that you really did love Satoru a lot more than you allowed yourself to.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

jjk general taglist: @kity @deeznutss @wonyoschubs @the-golden-jhope @6mattsun9 @hokageyamz @ermahgerd-larry-and-ziam @crashica @aizawap @juniorhooter @atsumusoup @gxtitobxby @strawberries-en-cream @dora-the-grownup @softy-woo @tsumume @kac-chowsballs @anime-nymph @kageyamakock @onlyonew @underratedmage @katsulovee @crapimahuman @alicia-1725 @fatal-impact @drippedcream

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[piercingbonez]

gone || thomas shelby x reader oneshot

warnings: angst angst angst! swearing

words: 1.2k

a/n: a more depressing oneshot after the teeth rotting fluff last week. got to keep you all on your toes! please let me know what you think! feedback is extremely appreciated and encouraged.

enjoy!

-

The last words you’d spoken to him hung heavy in the air between the two of you. A question you’d asked with fear in your eyes and terror for the answer.

You couldn’t even look at him, not even vaguely in his direction. Your eyes burned but there were no tears, you felt like your head was going to burst at any moment. His response stinging in your mind, bringing everything to a screaming halt. For a moment you didn’t even believe he’d said those words. You refused to accept that what he was saying was the truth. It couldn’t be.

The room was thick with tension, neither one of you wanting to address the conversation you’d just had. He’d probably just say a simple sorry and leave anyway, he’d never been good with emotions. But you knew that when you got together, and now part of you was regretting even meeting the man before you.

He’d given you the best years of your life but was it worth it for the heartbreak he’d just delivered to you?

With clenched fists and pain on your face you finally lifted your eyes to flick over his form. He was still sat in the same position as he was before, cigarette still perched between his fingers. He didn’t display any emotion, not sadness, not anger, not even guilt. He’d got good at that, hiding how he felt, but now that fact just stung, he’d just ruined everything you’d built up and he didn’t even have the decency to look anything other than bored.

“You’re being serious, aren’t you?” Were the only words you could force out past your gritted teeth. There was a flicker of something in his eyes, maybe remorse, you hoped he felt guilty.

He seemed to pause to think of a response, bringing his cigarette up to his lips to inhale every few moments, a mechanical movement that was second nature for him. On a normal day you’d admire the way his lips curled up in what could be mistaken for a smile when the cigarette made contact with them, or the way his icy blue eyes looked through the smoke. But not today. Not now. Not ever. As you watched him now you saw how he looked more at ease holding a cigarette than he ever did holding you.

He’d never been particularly….affectionate. Maybe on your wedding night, but that was such a distant memory now you refused to allow yourself to think back on it.

After all, your marriage now meant nothing. Years spent with the man you presumed your soulmate came crashing down in a matter of seconds, with one simple word. “Yes.” Which he repeated again in response to your question.

Now yes, in a relationship was typically something positive.

Yes, i’ll be your girlfriend.

Yes, i’ll be your wife.

Yes, i’d love to take the next step.

You’d never dreamed that this conversation would happen, it was so out of your mind it wasn’t even a nightmare or a worry you’d ever had.

But it was real, it was more real than anything else.

“You still love her, don’t you?” You replayed your own words in your head.

“Yes.” Yes. Fucking yes. Not even an i’m sorry, or even a look of guilt. The worst part was, as he uttered those words he almost looked relieved. Relieved that he’d finally stopped lying to you.

You thought about the previous night, and even the morning, now feeling like an age ago when he’d kissed your forehead and told you he loved you.

Lies. All of it. Fucking lies.

“For how long?” You mumbled, but you weren’t sure you even wanted to know the answer. But you had to, you had to know how long this had been happening, how long he’d been lying to you.

“I’m sorry.” He finally muttered, but his words were hollow and meaningless. A simple ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t going to fix anything, nothing could repair what had just happened.

“How long?” You repeated, unable to hold back the anger in your tone anymore. His jaw clenched as you pressed further, clearly not wanting to admit that he’d spent fuck knows how long whispering empty words to you.

“She wrote to me a few months ago.” Months. Fucking MONTHS.

You couldn’t stop the way your hands shook, with anger, fear or sadness you didn’t know. Every emotion you felt was negative, drowning you. Everything was way too much all at once.

“Months? Thomas? Months?” You stumbled out in disbelief, glaring at him, hoping he’d understand just how much he hurt you.

“Yes. I met with ‘er once.” As if it couldn’t get worse, the words he spoke packed a bigger punch than any physical action. “Im not going to lie to you.” You couldn’t believe the audacity of this man, the way he so nonchalantly admitted to loving his ex, to lying through months of a marriage.

“You did lie! You have lied! Every time since you’ve told me you loved me was a lie!” Your voice rose with each word, more and more anger bubbling up inside of you. You wished this was just some sick nightmare, that you’d wake up any moment, that he’d hold you close and brush your hair gently before kissing your forehead and telling you to go back to sleep, that you were safe with him.

His face remained stony, practically emotionless as he continued to smoke, almost tauntingly as he watched you. His eyes seemed to analyse every tense and twitch of your body, as if he was trying to sense your next move.

“I need to go sort something out.” He stubbed his cigarette out on the ashtray beside him before rising to his feet. His movements were robotic, almost as if he simply wasn’t at all affected by what they’d just discussed. “I’ll be back in a few days.”

Days. D a y s.

Typically you’d smile, be a nice loving wife, make him promise to be safe and eat well, ensure he knew just how much you loved him before he left, kisses and hugs and admittance of affection.

But now, when you’d normally reach for his body to wrap around yours, you remained still. It was your turn to be emotionless now.

You had no idea when he would return, and for a moment, somehow that hurt than the knowlege that you no longer occupied his heart.

Because was leaving, but then again, maybe he’d already left. Was he ever really with you when his heart was longing for someone else, when he’d visited the woman he promised you he no longer harboured feelings for. You didn’t know. Nothing made sense as you stared at his now empty chair, feeling the sadness finally begin to well in your eyes.

You didn’t dare to turn to watch him leave, simply listened until his footsteps were a distant echo. And then they were gone. And he was gone.

It was as if nothing mattered, because nothing did, did it? What was life if he wasn’t by your side. You’d built everything up alongside him, planned a future out around him. You’d imagined your entire life with him.

And now it was all gone.

But there was one thing you knew you had to do.

You had to pack, because two can play at that game.

And then you were gone.

[gratine-diamaki]

Dear Mafumafu and Mafumafu fans,

I have always thought that the utaite community was a safe fandom: a place where everyone could freely express themselves with no judgement, a place where people shared kind words to each other, a place where people could be themselves without fear. We unite listening to Mafumafu’s lyrics which talks of suffering and loneliness and death, but also of hope and love and life. I thought that as we read these lyrics and felt emotions through the beautiful melodies and harmonies that he constructed, we were a powerful collection of stories and minds who embraced each other with our differences and were not scared of the world’s cruel judgement.

Recently, Mafumafu was involved in a “scandal” with a Vtuber (we’ll call her Person A for her decency). As a recap, while Person A was streaming, a discord message popped up on her screen from a person who was allegedly Mafumafu. The message said something along the lines of “My stream has ended, I will be heading home now.” As soon as this happened, Mafumafu’s Twitter blew up with aggressive and angry “fans” demanding answers, accusing him of lying, upset that he “betrayed their trust”. A couple of hours later, Mafumafu posted an explanation on his Twitter, apologising for his “careless actions”, for “making many people uncomfortable”, and that he did not actually live together with Person A. The next day, he stated that he would be taking a hiatus on his activities as atonement for his actions.

I have never written something like this before, but after the events of today (where Mafumafu conducted an apology stream on his Twitcasting account), I have decided that I cannot sit on the sidelines any longer.

The comments beneath his apology post were disgusting. Under the excuse of being his “fan”, people were writing that they “didn’t know whether they could keep supporting him anymore”, or that “he had lied to everyone”, or that “they were relieved that Mafumafu and Person A were not living together”. Are these the words of fans at all?

Previous to this occurrence, I had imagined how the fandom would react if Mafumafu got a girlfriend. It was so obvious to me that we would be happy for him; there may be a little fan jealousy, but it would fade away as quickly as it came. Throughout his career, Mafumafu has spoken about his struggles in getting into a relationship. He shared his frustration of not being able to love, not even knowing what love is meant to feel like, not understanding what attraction is. He told us that he wants so badly to be in a relationship, he told us of his dream to get married and live in a different country, he told us of how he would even raise his children. We heard time and time again of how he wants to be happy with his “soulmate” (quoted) and I thought that it was obvious that, as his fans, we would support him with all our hearts if he was able to finally be in a romantic relationship.

I understand ‘fan jealousy’. I understand that people can get a bit jealous that their favourite celebrity may be in a relationship. I get that. But there is a clear line between choosing to be supportive like an actual fan, and being delusional that your celebrity “cheated on you” and choosing to harass them. At the end of the day, wouldn’t you want your celebrity to be happy, to live their lives how they want to? Especially with Mafumafu. The vast majority, if not all, of his fandom are very aware of his dark and violent past; how he was bullied, how he was stalked, how he was almost always alone throughout his childhood. We know how his traumatic past still haunts him, because we hear it in his music and read it through his lyrics. He sings “how many times have I killed my heart” and “I don’t want to wake up”, and we know this. His most famous cover is literally called “Hated by Life Itself”. And I know that his “fans” are aware of this, because these are the same people that comment on his daily tweets and say things like “good job for making it through another day!” or “you’re amazing for being alive”.

To treat a simple comment like “I’m going home now,” as an immediate indication that two are dating, largely out of the fact they are of two opposite biological sexes is heteronormative and sexist. The very notion that one does not usually hang out with women “except for me” is inherently misogynist. Just because you’re a “fan” doesn’t mean that you are their significant other at all. You’re describing someone who doesn’t see interacting women in a relationship where they’re not allowed to sleep with them - glorified objectification. If we are to accept that there are a variety of relationship statuses for those between the same gender (friends, acquaintances, close friends, etc.), there is no reason to not do the same for opposite genders unless you are failing to see the opposite gender as human; in some way, grotesquely different from you that makes them only available as a dating machine. You’re wrong. Men and women can be just friends. Men and women can be affectionate and just friends. Men and women can even be best friends and yet still, not romantically involved.

Even if Mafumafu and Person A were in a romantic relationship, that is none of our business. Why does it matter? He is not your boyfriend, he is not “cheating” on you, he is simply living his life with the same freedom that we live ours. Shouldn’t we be supportive as his fans, as people who have heard his pain time and time again, as people who want more than anyone for him to be happy?

Just a few hours ago, I listened to Mafumafu’s apology Twitcasting stream where he continuously apologised for saying how he doesn’t have any interactions with females when he actually interacts with females and plays video games, etc. He showed his private Twitter DM conversations with Person A as evidence to support his claims that their matching cutlery was nothing but a coincidence. He apologised for not being able to show his Discord DMs with Person A as they were too confidential. He concluded the stream by saying “I am sorry for causing so much trouble this time.”

Once again, the comments on the Twitcast were appalling; I placed my phone face-down on the table and buried my face in my hands at how ridiculous people were. There were people saying that he was “disgusting”, puking emojis, that “he betrayed them”, and that “he should apologise more”. I don’t even need to explain why this is so appalling.

Mafumafu did not have to apologise, he did not have to show his private messages, he did not have to take a hiatus on his activities, he did not have to justify a friendship just because they were female, he did not have to try and satisfy these toxic and delusional “fans” who thought that they were in some romantic online relationship with him. Just because Mafumafu communicates with his fans very frequently online doesn’t mean that he has told us everything about himself or that he has to tell us everything. Just like any other human being, there are things that he would like to keep private, and he has every right to do so.

This “scandal” said a lot more about the fandom than Mafumafu himself. As a first, a lot of people discovered that “Oh wow! Mafumafu actually has a private life separate from his public activities!” (please note the sarcasm). The level of disrespect, accusations, and the ingrained sexism in the comments of his apology Twitter post was so shocking that it was absurd. Ironically, after the Twitcast ended, the comments on his Twitter page were those of “support”. People were “glad that they can continue supporting Mafumafu” and “sorry for doubting him”. In response to these comments: Firstly, why should Mafumafu ‘repent’ and apologise because he has a female friend, to gain your support? Secondly, what exactly are you doubting him for; he’s not your boyfriend, he is not “cheating” on you?

We have definitely lost a significant amount of his trust and faith towards his fans. Instead of the support he deserved, he received angry lashes of immaturity, arrogance, and selfishness; people saying whatever they wanted to say, feeling entitled because of course, they can’t let Mafumafu get stolen away by another girl. These people did not think about the consequences of their words, how they built his walls back up again, that he tried so hard to tear down, with their own hands. They essentially took him, his selflessness, his passiveness in the face of his fans for granted. No, in fact, they did not consider his position at all.

As his fan, I am ashamed and embarrassed that this has happened.

As a fandom, we cannot apologise enough for the damage that has been stupidly inflicted.

I sincerely hope this does not repeat with other utaites and celebrities. Please protect them and stay kind. They are people too.

Thank you for reading.

[carrycoverandhold]

I've seen a lot of posts going around comparing how Buck responded to Maddie and Chimney betraying his trust and how Chimney responded to Maddie and Buck and I just-

Those two situations are entirely different- an adult saying that they are leaving for their emotional well-being and having one confidant is a reasonable situation, a person finally finding out why they grew up unloved is unpacking a whole lifetime of trauma.

However, if you wanted to get into the nitty-gritty of it: Buck and Chimney responded very differently to being trusted with a secret. Chimney started avoiding Buck at all cost and saught out every guilt-free option he could find to reveal that information, going so far as to try and convince his brother to be a part of this (and telling the bomber I mean, y i k e s). There are multiple layers to how Chimney betrayed Buck and that's not even including the Three separate occasions he confronted Buck at work telling him that he had to forgive himself and Maddie. Even after Buck nearly died and then was forced to talk with his parents, He barely even pauses on if Buck was ok and jumps straight back into his you have to forgive Maddie routine.

Then, on the other hand, you have Buck who has chosen to support his sister in what she needs, he knows his sister and that she chose to reach out to him instead of talking to Chimney says a lot. Buck goes to check in on Chimney regularly, to see how he's doing, to offer comfort, Even when Chimney lashes out at Buck, yelling at him telling him insane and terrifying theories that Maddie has been updated, that Doug is alive. He chooses to continue to offer his support however he can.

Throughout all of this Chimney and Buck have had vastly different reactions to being lied to. It says a lot about their characters, Buck has put in the work and has been attending therapy, so when he is angry he does the emotionally responsible thing and steps away. He gives himself enough time and space to think through what happened. Even as Maddie and Chimney did their best to take that away from him. This completely invalidated his feelings and emotional well-being in the process. Even if their intentions were good they back him into a corner where all his agency was taken from him.

Chimney takes every opportunity to yell at and use Buck until it gets to the point that he physically attacks him in his own home, then runs. He doesn't even have the decency to apologize before he goes.

These situations are nothing alike, no matter how badly the writers and showrunners want them to be and the only person who needs to be held accountable and the only one who needs to feel guilty over their actions is Chimney.

[tatestripedsweater]

Cuddle Bug

Gifs not mine

Plot: Perhaps the reader has had a busy day, has been insulted and / and humiliated, and when they come to Kyle, he notices their emotional state, and he's totally protective and wants to see justice / vengeance for them? But since they know that it's not worth it, that these people are just idiots, they ask him to hug them? - Requested by @lunamooney2406

Franken-Kyle x GN!Reader

Word count: 1125

A/N: I changed the plot slightly on how you wanted it to end.. I hope that’s okay!

‘’I think you should go home and change Y/N’’ Looking your boss in the eyes as you handed her the files you just filed, again, she looked at you with some disappointment in her eyes and you couldn’t help but feel the nerves well up inside you. ‘’You look like a mess”

‘’I think you should go home and change Y/N’’ Looking your boss in the eyes as you handed her the files you just filed, again, she looked at you with some disappointment in her eyes and you couldn’t help but feel the nerves well up inside you. ‘’You look like a mess”

You were used to the insults from her, she wasn’t exactly the best boss in the world and you often wondered how she even got the job since she had no people skills at all. She would act as if the world revolves around her, that whatever does or says can’t be questioned or that there would be no consequences for her actions.

Taking a deep breath you nodded slowly and went to walk out, but as soon as you got to the door you felt a shred of confidence bubbling up inside you. Turning around to face her, she raised her eyebrow as if to question what you were even doing, you wondered if this was even worth it but the way they treated you had you boiling over. You had done everything she asked yet she still decided to treat you like something on the bottom of her shoe.

“After six months here you still treat me as if I’m lower than you, I understand you're my boss but it wouldn’t hurt you to show me a shred of human decency!” The moment that left your mouth you felt your heart jump up into your throat, you had always been the quiet employee that did as you were told no matter how stupid or silly it sounded. She even had you run two streets down just to get the coffee she liked since the one in the building tasted like cat piss..

“What did you just say to me?!” You watched your boss stand from her desk chair with a face like thunder, you wanted the floor to swallow you whole at this point in time. “You’re fired”

“W-Wha-“ But before you could even say anything she shouted at you to leave or otherwise she’d get security to escort you out, deciding to keep every last part of your pride within you, you decided to walk out on your own. Looking up at the building you saw a few of your ex co-workers staring down at you, maybe this was a good thing? That this was meant to happen in order for you to grow, you didn’t know how you and Kyle would cope but with the help and understanding of your family you hoped they’d help along the way until you found something new.

Getting into your car you took a deep breath, you tried to hold back the tears but they just came pouring out as you rested your head on the steering wheel. You had to get it all out now otherwise if Kyle saw you crying he’d go into protective mode, you loved him dearly and he loved you; maybe a little too much.

As soon as you got through the door you could already hear his footsteps running towards you, he was like a dog greeting you and you wouldn’t have it any other way. The smile on Kyle’s face soon disappeared when he noticed that your eyes were red and puffy, a slight pout formed on his lips once he noticed that you had been crying.

“Y/N sad..” Walking over he cupped your cheeks, squishing them slightly until you looked like a fish. Kissing you gently he pulled away once more as his brown eyes looked into yours, the amount of affection and love he was giving you caused you to burst into tears, your guard finally coming down. Squeezing you once more he hold you close to him, Kyle still struggled with his speech to which he was getting better but he was able to tell someone’s emotion just looking at their face, he just found it hard to deal with sometimes. “Why?”

“I got fired from my job.. my boss called me messy then I had a go at her, I’m a disaster I mean look at me..” You tried not to speak about what went on at work to Kyle due to the factor of him being extremely protective over you, it was slightly overbearing but he did it because he loved you and didn’t know how else to express that he cared about you so much. “I’m fine though.. really”

“No.. no lies” Shaking his head Kyle looked as upset as you with anger mixed with his emotions, you knew what signs to look out for that he was upset. He would frown and his voice would go slightly low as he spoke, pulling away you notice tears fall down his own cheeks as he shouted loudly. “Bad people! Revenge!”

“No!” You quickly ran over to him once that left his mouth, you knew how strong he was and how violent he could get, but never towards you but anyone who upset either of you. Cupping Kyle’s cheeks he was the one that was now crying, whimpering as he looked at you, Kyle’s lip quivered as more tears fell down his cheeks.

“You’re hurt.. sad” You tried to hold back any tears as you didn’t want to set him off again, Kyle was truly getting better and you couldn’t wait for the day when you could go on dates with him, he was one of the sweetest and most kindest men you’ve been with, before and after death. “Love.. you Y/N”

“I love you too, so much..” You whispered and kissed his nose gently, laughing softly when he scrunched his nose up. “Why don’t we watch a movie, cuddle and I’ll order in for tonight? But I do want to bathe first..” You looked down at your clothes that were still dirty from the coffee, before you could even get in another word you felt him drag you up to the bathroom with him almost instantly with a wide grin on his face, almost like a kid in a sweet shop.

You never did get to watch that movie..

[alwaysthewrongside]

Ruined (Loki/Reader)

Request: Hi! Can I request a Loki x reader fic where Loki realises he’s in love with the reader but tries to hide his feelings for fear of rejection from the reader? P.S I get so excited whenever you post a new fic! You are SO talented and should be really proud of all your previous work!❤️❤️❤️

A/N: It has been so long since I have even looked into my requests, this year has been something else. I figured it might be a nice distraction for me to write and for people to read some downright angsty fluffy Loki fanfiction to escape this lovely hell we are living in. That being said.....I hope you enjoy!! 

You had known the second prince of Asgard for years now, though time had seemed to stop when you met him. It was a rare rainy day on Asgard and you had run into the library soaking wet from the downpour. Walking over to the fireplace you decided to delve into another world whilst you dried off. Grabbing a book you sat on the ground, throwing away the etiquette the court taught the young nobles. No one ever visited the vast library, but why that was you couldn’t understand. 

The dark woods of the shelves were lined with endless tomes, scrolls, and novels, it was a dream. You hadn’t noticed the noise of the doors opening, being too engrossed in your adventure, until you heard a scoff from above you. Startled you jumped and clutched your chest, the book you had been reading falling to the floor unceremoniously.

“I see the teachings of the court have seemingly evaded you.”

Prince Loki stood tall and proud before you, a mischievous smirk dancing on his lips.

You were lucky he was amused, and had happened to glance at the title you were reading, something he had been fond of. From then on the two of you were inseparable. Between his training and your lessons with the noble women you would sneak off into the library and find new treasures amongst the shelves, sharing your finds. The time had passed from that day like nothing.

 The only indication anything had changed was how Loki had grown. His face seemed to chisel out, his once soft cheeks now sharp as stone, his hair had grown longer which you secretly preferred. You always liked to secretly imagine running your fingers through it. His demeanor had seemingly changed too, and it had been bothering you for a while. Where there was once comfort and ease, there was now an invisible force permeating in the air between you. Loki had become standoffish not showing to the library as much, making some lazy excuse as to why he wasn’t there.

Being a loyal and caring friend you had let it go, amounting it to princely duties and stress. That was until one night something in you snapped. You had seen him in the great hall laughing with a few eligible noble women, his signature smirk plastered on his face, the beauty of the women not escaping your notice. Tears pricked at the edge of your eyes remembering his brief remark on how he had a meeting with Thor and Odin this evening. Yet here he was.

A few hours had passed before you decided to sneak off to the library, a sneaking suspicion in your mind that he may be there. As charming as he was, there was something he couldn’t resist about dwelling with the books, even if it wasn’t with you. Your nightgown brushed the floor as you tucked a piece of hair behind you ear, stealthily sneaking through the doors without making a sound. Loki was observant and his guard was normally up, but as you rounded a corner you saw him nose deep in his latest find, the fire crackling loudly next to him. The crease that was normally fixed in his brow was gone, his eyes soft, his broad shoulders loose.

“I hope your meeting with the Allfather and your brother went well today.”

Though you spoke softly the weight your tone held seemed to scream into the air.

Loki jumped slightly, eyes quickly taking in his surroundings and you. The crease in his brow returned almost instantly. He cleared his throat.

“It was as dull as I had expected it to be.”

The nonchalant tone flowed smoothly from the silver-tongue’s lips.

“Of course, I noticed the bright turquoise dress your brother was wearing, though how he changed into a shapely woman and managed to grow his hair so long and luscious I know not, perhaps you could ask him for me.”

His brow quirked as he kept his composure still, not giving away any real emotion.

“So I have been caught, I am sure you did not mind having the time to yourself.”

You shrugged as you moved closer to his sitting form, his once relaxed demeanor now tense on the luscious couch.

“The loneliness I did not mind, your lies however are a different matter entirely.”

There was a sting in your eyes again as you tried to maintain your composure.

“If you have grown tired of my presence I would at least hold hope you would have the decency to tell me to my face Loki.”

Tugging on the sleeve of your nightdress you crossed your arms across your chest, looking stern, though in truth, secretly comforting yourself.

“I know I do not compare to the ladies of court, I do not pretend to hold that attention Loki, but I had hoped after all these years we were at least companions.”

At this statement his facade seemed to break, the carefree act breaking away as his eyes lit with anger. You assumed he would yell at you for assuming to be friends with the prince, something along the awful rumors you had heard but never chose to believe.

“Do you truly think so low of yourself y/n?”  

You scoffed.

“You act as though your actions would give me any indication to assume otherwise, I am not one of your dull empty headed admirers Loki I see right through you.”

The raven haired prince stood at this, tossing the book to the side as he stalked towards you, his breathing heavy.

“You see through me do you?”

His tall frame leaned over yours as he stood in front of you. There wasn’t much space between the two of you now and you could feel the coolness of his breath on your face.

“You are nothing but a man Loki, all men eventually lose their interest in friend or lover, I am not unaware of my fate in your eyes.”

The sadness trickled into your words and you refused to look into his emerald eyes for fear of losing you composure.

“I was the fool to think you cared beyond having a reading partner, I see now I was wrong to think a friendship from this.”

You felt a hand turn your face, and you gazed into….terrified eyes. Tilting your head in wonder, you went to speak, but he stopped you with a short shake of his head.

“You foolish girl, are you so blind?”

He laughed nervously, before taking a deep breath.

“When I found you on the floor of this library huddling next to the fire enraptured in words I felt something I hadn’t before.”

Slowly uncrossing your arms you silently urged him to continue.

“You have ruined me y/n.” 

Bewilderment filled you as you tried to take in what was happening. Before you could think any further, a strong arm wrapped around your waist, and a hand behind your neck, and soft lips met yours. Your eyes fluttered shut and your arms automatically found their way around Loki’s neck, your fingers gently tangling in his raven hair. It was softer than you’d imagined and you smiled slightly at this. He tasted of wine and mint you noted, as he deepened the kiss before pulling away suddenly, breathless. For once the silver tongued prince had no words, only love in his eyes. 

You smiled as you nestled into his chest. Pulling yourself close to his solid body, he snaked his arms around you, gently resting his chin on the top of your head. The hurt and anger you had before melted away in his embrace. You truly were blind, never realizing the glances he stole when you’d read to him were of you and not the books. All this time you had assumed the worst, and for once you were glad to be wrong.

“If I could spend one lifetime in here with you or a million traveling the stars, I would be happy in your arms Loki.” 

He chuckled softly, nudging you to glance upwards, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. You gasped as you looked up at the ceiling. There were stars glistening as far as you could see, the sheen of green magick laced with the golden haze. 

“So I shall give you the stars and more.” 

[foreverlogical]

Donald Trump’s descent into madness continues.

The latest manifestation of this is a report in The New York Times that the president is weighing appointing the conspiracy theorist Sidney Powell, who for a time worked on his legal team, to be special counsel to investigate imaginary claims of voter fraud.

As if that were not enough, we also learned that former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, who was pardoned by the president after pleading guilty to lying to the FBI, attended the Friday meeting. Earlier in the week, Flynn, a retired lieutenant general, floated the idea (which he had promoted before) that the president impose martial law and deploy the military to “rerun” the election in several closely contested states that voted against Trump. It appears that Flynn wants to turn them into literal battleground states.\

None of this should come as a surprise. Some of us said, even before he became president, that Donald Trump’s Rosetta Stone, the key to deciphering him, was his psychology—his disordered personality, his emotional and mental instability, and his sociopathic tendencies. It was the main reason, though hardly the only reason, I refused to vote for him in 2016 or in 2020, despite having worked in the three previous Republican administrations. Nothing that Trump has done over the past four years has caused me to rethink my assessment, and a great deal has happened to confirm it.

Given Trump’s psychological profile, it was inevitable that when he felt the walls of reality close in on him—in 2020, it was the pandemic, the cratering economy, and his election defeat—he would detach himself even further from reality. It was predictable that the president would assert even more bizarre conspiracy theories. That he would become more enraged and embittered, more desperate and despondent, more consumed by his grievances. That he would go against past supplicants, like Attorney General Bill Barr and Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, and become more aggressive toward his perceived enemies. That his wits would begin to turn, in the words of King Lear. That he would begin to lose his mind.

So he has. And, as a result, President Trump has become even more destabilizing and dangerous.

“I’ve been covering Donald Trump for a while,” Jonathan Swan of Axios tweeted. “I can’t recall hearing more intense concern from senior officials who are actually Trump people. The Sidney Powell/Michael Flynn ideas are finding an enthusiastic audience at the top.”

Even amid the chaos, it’s worth taking a step back to think about where we are: An American president, unwilling to concede his defeat by 7 million popular votes and 74 Electoral College votes, is still trying to steal the election. It has become his obsession.

In the process, Trump has in too many cases turned his party into an instrument of illiberalism and nihilism. Here are just a couple of data points to underscore that claim: 18 attorneys generals and more than half the Republicans in the House supported a seditious abuse of the judicial process.

And it’s not only, or even mainly, elected officials. The Republican Party’s base has often followed Trump into the twilight zone, with a sizable majority of them affirming that Joe Biden won the election based on fraud and many of them turning against medical science in the face of a surging pandemic.

COVID-19 is now killing Americans at the rate of about one per minute, but the president is “just done with COVID,” a source identified as one of Trump’s closest advisers told The Washington Post. “I think he put it on a timetable and he’s done with COVID ... It just exceeded the amount of time he gave it.”

This is where Trump’s crippling psychological condition—his complete inability to face unpleasant facts, his toxic narcissism, and his utter lack of empathy—became lethal. Trump’s negligence turned what would have been a difficult winter into a dark one. If any of his predecessors—Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan, to go back just 40 years—had been president during this pandemic, tens of thousands of American lives would almost surely have been saved.

“My concern was, in the worst part of the battle, the general was missing in action,” said Maryland Governor Larry Hogan, one of the very few Republicans to speak truth in the Trump era.

In 30 days, Donald Trump will leave the presidency, with his efforts to mount a coup having failed. The encouraging news is that it never really had a chance of succeeding. Our institutions, especially the courts, will have passed a stress test, not the most difficult ever but difficult enough, and unlike any in our history. Some local officials exhibited profiles in courage, doing the right thing in the face of threats and pressure from their party. And a preponderance of the American public, having lived through the past four years, deserve credit for canceling this presidential freak show rather than renewing it. The “exhausted majority” wasn’t too exhausted to get out and vote, even in a pandemic.

But the Trump presidency will leave gaping wounds nearly everywhere, and ruination in some places. Truth as a concept has been battered from the highest office in the land on an almost hourly basis. The Republican Party has been radicalized, with countless Republican lawmakers and other prominent figures within the party having revealed themselves to be moral cowards, even, and in some ways especially, after Trump was defeated. During the Trump presidency, they were so afraid of getting crosswise with him and his supporters that they failed the Solzhenitsyn test: “The simple act of an ordinary brave man is not to participate in lies, not to support false actions! His rule: Let that come into the world, let it even reign supreme—only not through me.

”During the past four years, the right-wing ecosystem became more and more rabid. Many prominent evangelical supporters of the president are either obsequious, like Franklin Graham, or delusional, like Eric Metaxas, and they now peddle their delusions as being written by God. QAnon and the Proud Boys, Newsmax and One America News, Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson—all have been emboldened.

These worrisome trends began before Trump ran for office, and they won’t disappear after he leaves the presidency. Those who hope for a quick snapback will be disappointed. Still, having Trump out of office has to help. He’s going to find out that there’s no comparable bully pulpit. And the media, if they are wise, will cut off his oxygen, which is attention. They had no choice but to cover Trump’s provocations when he was president; when he’s an ex-president, that will change.

For the foreseeable future, journalists will rightly focus on the pandemic. But once that is contained and defeated, it will be time to go back to focusing more attention on things like the Paris Accords and the carbon tax; the earned-income tax credit and infrastructure; entitlement reform and monetary policy; charter schools and campus speech codes; legal immigration, asylum, assimilation, and social mobility. There is also an opportunity, with Trump a former president, for the Republican Party to once again become the home of sane conservatism. Whether that happens or not is an open question. But it’s something many of us are willing to work for, and that even progressives should hope for.Beyond that, and more fundamental than that, we have to remind ourselves that we are not powerless to shape the future; that much of what has been broken can be repaired; that though we are many, we can be one; and that fatalism and cynicism are unwarranted and corrosive.

There’s a lovely line in William Wordsworth’s poem “The Prelude”: “What we have loved, Others will love, and we will teach them how.

”There are still things worthy of our love. Honor, decency, courage, beauty, and truth. Tenderness, human empathy, and a sense of duty. A good society. And a commitment to human dignity. We need to teach others—in our individual relationships, in our classrooms and communities, in our book clubs and Bible studies, and in innumerable other settings—why those things are worthy of their attention, their loyalty, their love. One person doing it won’t make much of a difference; a lot of people doing it will create a culture.

Maybe we understand better than we did five years ago why these things are essential to our lives, and why when we neglect them or elect leaders who ridicule and subvert them, life becomes nasty, brutish, and generally unpleasant.

Just after noon on January 20, a new and necessary chapter will begin in the American story. Joe Biden will certainly play a role in shaping how that story turns out—but so will you and I. Ours is a good and estimable republic, if we can keep it.

PETER WEHNER is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and a senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center. He writes widely on political, cultural, religious, and national-security issues, and he is the author of The Death of Politics: How to Heal Our Frayed Republic After Trump.

[killing-all-joy]

The World Is Ugly

I went “screw it” and decided to hop on the songfic train because this idea has been in my head for a looooong time. Finally finished it! This is a bit of a style divergence but I think it turned out nice so I hope you like it!

Pairing: Prinxiety

Word count: 7,127

Warnings: anxiety, mentions of murder

Virgil chewed on his thumbnail, staring at his phone in thought. He knew he had to tell Roman somehow, he just didn't know how. He had never been good at expressing intimate emotions.

Normally, Virgil would be incredibly anxious about telling his crush he liked him or he would ignore the feelings altogether, but this was different. Roman was different.

Why? Many reasons.

Virgil had known Roman for many years. They met in college and hated each other. However, they were friends with some of the same people and were forced to be around each other. They both had refused to sacrifice their friendships in the name of hating someone.

Over time, they stopped hating each other. Roman apologized for the names and the insults and Virgil apologized for his insults and cynicism towards Roman's creations.

Virgil eventually fell in love with Roman. When he realized it, it was like someone had yanked back a curtain over his feelings, but looking back, he found that the falling-in-love part was slow and gradual.

Now, it haunted his every waking minute.

Roman wasn't just like every other crush. Virgil had been in love with Roman for three years at this point and the feelings didn't seem to be fading in any sense. Roman had been Virgil's light and love for three years and Virgil had yet to find something about him that made him disappointed.

Patton was nice. Kind, sweet, enthusiastic; he was Virgil's best friend. But he could also be overwhelming, overbearing, strict, and too parental. Virgil loved Patton an incredible amount, but Virgil was sometimes too fragile to be fully comfortable in his presence.

Logan was smart. He was reliable, logical, honest, and gave very good advice. He was grounding, down-to-earth, and highly intelligent. However, Logan's wonderful qualities came with a side dish of coldness, occasional detachment and insensitivity, and bluntness. While this was often fine and sometimes even refreshing, it could sometimes be hard to deal with when Virgil wasn’t prepared for it. Logan and Virgil's friendship was very close and healthy, but Virgil couldn’t often deal with him for an extended period of time when Virgil wasn’t at his best.

But Roman...

Roman was perfect.

Yes, he could be arrogant and insensitive and harsh, but none of this deterred Virgil from extended interactions with him. To him, it just completed the puzzle that was Roman.

Roman was always perfect to Virgil. No part of his personality made Virgil not want to be around him. Virgil never had to twist the image of his princely friend to make him his ideal partner in his mind. No part of Roman's personality ever made Virgil wish he wasn't in his presence. At least, not after they became friends. His "flaws" just made him a better person in Virgil's eyes.

Virgil was mean. He was sarcastic, rude, blunt, pretty dumb, and constantly anxious. He was dark and brooding and incredibly pessimistic.

Virgil was a mess.

So, he obviously wasn't telling Roman because he thought the flawless man would like him back. But if it wasn't that, what was the point?

Because there were too many sleepless nights.

Too many evenings spent drying each other's tears.

Roman was sensitive, insecure; too sensitive of the opinions of others, too dependent on their approval. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and not everyone was wary of this, causing Roman frequent pain. Virgil had spent many evenings either on his or Roman's bed, hands on his talented friend's face as his thumbs cleaned away an endless stream of tears caused by events and people that would never be worth a second of Roman's time.

Virgil was almost certain he had more shirts that had been stained by Roman's snot and wasted saltwater than he had shirts that never had been cried on.

These nights, they made Virgil want to scoop up the princelike actor and hold him closer than the boundaries of their friendship would ever permit them to and whisper sweet nothings in his ear that would mainly just remind him of how loved he was. How loved he was by Virgil.

Virgil also wanted to apologize.

A week before, he, a singer-songwriter, returned from a particularly angering meeting with his manager. Roman tried to help him and cheer him up, but instead Virgil pushed him away by saying harsh things he didn't mean.

Of course, their friendship was too important to be on hold for a whole week, so Virgil had apologized the following day, but the musician could still tell that Roman was confused and not fully over it. He was no longer angry, but the pain hadn't left completely.

But Virgil couldn't explain his anger without also explaining that he was in love with him.

Roman had just been too nice, looking too pretty, and with brown irises that somehow seemed more entrancing than normal on that night. Virgil had wanted nothing more than to drown in the stage actor's arms. Roman had suggested ice cream, a movie (at home or at the cinema), or pizza if he hadn't already had dinner. Virgil had looked at his outstretched arms with want and longing. But he knew he couldn't play, tempt, or tease his heart like so and had declined rudely, faking irritation and anger. However, now he was faced with regret.

Virgil couldn't be fully honest with Roman if he didn't tell him about his feelings for him. It had been three years, but this dance could go on no longer. It made sense that if Virgil couldn't get over the theatric man in three years, he should face rejection in the eyes so that the romantic feelings would pass quicker. He should have told him long ago, but this was a good opportunity.

Yes, it was possible for him to wait for Roman's hurt and confusion to go away, but Virgil didn't want Roman to take any more actions (like not seeking Virgil's comfort when he required it, which had happened the night before this one) that would hurt him. It wasn't like telling Roman was a new concept for Virgil to mull over. A part of him had known for a long while now that telling Roman would eventually make getting over him easier. However, the possibility of Roman being disgusted and ending their friendship wasn't low. That was the driving force of Virgil’s hesitancy to enlighten Roman of the romantic inclinations he had for him. Virgil valued Roman's friendship, and would choose his platonic presence over his absence at any second.

But he couldn't lie any longer.

Roman had gone to Patton instead of Virgil last night when he learned that his ex-boyfriend (who ended their relationship five months before) had been cheating when they were together. Roman didn't still have romantic feelings for his former flame, but knowing that he cheated hurt him. He was lied to, betrayed; there was no way to tell if his ex ever loved him. That hurts even if there's no longer romance there.

Of course, Virgil learned this from a concerned Patton and not the actor himself.

All three involved in this event were troubled. Patton, for his friends' happiness (since Virgil and Roman made each other happy), Roman because he was confused and hurt, and Virgil, who wished Roman was comfortable with him again.

Virgil figured he only had one thing to do. Confess, and end the confusion.

Confess, and possibly end their friendship forever.

Virgil wished there was another way out.

But Roman was confused, hurt, and in a bad place. Virgil had tried everything in an effort to get over Roman, but nothing worked in the slightest. The singer knew it was past time that he confess.

So he stared at Roman's contact, the handsome face of his profile picture staring back. Roman was simply 'Roman' in Virgil's phone; he didn't put any cute nicknames in case Roman saw.

He brainstormed as hard as he could for a way to tell Roman he loved him romantically.

He didn't want to be too straightforward. Saying a blunt "I am romantically in love with you" was too scary to type out and send. And, he also had a shred of decency to not say something so important through text.

What did Virgil know best? Music.

He pulled up Spotify.

He went to his music, thinking through all the love songs he'd written about and for Roman (Roman didn't know of course). Virgil had his thumb over a particularly emotional and descriptive song, but paused.

If Virgil just sent him his song, Roman would think that he wanted an opinion on it, or that Virgil was reminiscing on works past. If Virgil sent a caption saying "this was about you", then the moment would be ruined, the text would feel too real and to-the-point, and he would be undermining his efforts to not say something monumental through text. No, he had to choose a song that would leave no room for confusion and no need for clarification.

What did Roman associate Virgil with, musically?

Emo music. Panic! At The Disco. Fall Out Boy.

My Chemical Romance.

Virgil would call the last his native tongue if he were able. It felt like such, each song seeming like it came from home or somewhere similar. It made sense for Virgil to communicate with something so dear to his heart. His friends were well acquainted with his love for the band. All his close friends, at one time or another, had been interrupted by Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge when they wanted to talk to Virgil. It told them he wasn't doing too well and needed time away from people and worldly responsibilities.

Which song, was the question.

MCR didn't have too many love songs; at least, they had a much lower percentage than many other bands. Also, a lot of those songs that you thought might be romantic could easily be interpreted differently. This made it a bit difficult for Virgil to find a song by them that encompassed his emotions, announced a repeat of his apology, and was clearly romantic.

He ran through the romantic MCR songs on speed-run in his head, paying close attention to the lyrics. His mind stopped when his brain fluttered to Conventional Weapons; more specifically, The World Is Ugly. He ran through the lyrics in his head, the tone, how clear the romance was.

He couldn't help but think no song described what he was feeling more.

The love, the apologeticness, the hatred of the world. Virgil knew how evil and ugly the world was. Is. But Roman...Roman was a star, shining in complete darkness without pause. Even when day came to hide the star's light and the two weren't in the other's presence, Virgil knew he was still there. Roman’s light wasn't like the sun which could blind or burn you, but like the stars in the sky that were bright, in a place far away, and at heights Virgil could only dream of reaching.

The lyrics made it clear that Virgil was using this song to communicate something—that something being love.

His finger shakily tapped his phone, pressing the share button and clicking on Roman's contact. He bit his lip, every brain cell except the one controlling his present actions screaming at him to reconsider, to protect their friendship and his heart. But this time, he ignored his anxiety.

He pressed send.

That was it. The text was sent. All he could do now was wait or regret.

A drop of blood slid down his chin from the lip he was biting too hard.

Roman opened his text messages reflexively. Virgil had a special text tone and Roman was conditioned to get excited when he heard it. He was almost always happy when Virgil sought out his company. Virgil's communication in any form was something he saw as a treat.

Virgil's feelings were no longer a secret.

---

Now, this was where the 'almost' came in. His argument with Virgil the week before made him anxious about what the text held. Was it a confession of hatred? Worse?

The app loaded to show a link to Spotify. He raised an eyebrow, plugging in his earbuds and shifting his position on his bed. He clicked the link and put in the earbuds as the song loaded and started.

Roman, an acquaintance of the emo for over five years at this point, and a friend for four of those years, knew his fair share of MCR. No, he did not know every song they ever created, but he knew a lot. This seemed to be one of the many he'd never heard. It was titled 'The World Is Ugly', a title he found unfamiliar and unsurprising for Virgil's music taste.

It wasn't nearly as intense as the ones that prompted him to lack interest in the band. He could hear the lyrics clearly.

As he started listening to the song that was sent without a caption, he realized that Virgil must have meant this as a way to communicate something. He decided to pay close attention to the lyrics for this reason alone.

The first verse seemed to have reassuring and protective elements, and a theme of unity between two people.

The chorus came, and he couldn't help but be taken aback by "but you're beautiful to me". At first, he thought it must be something Virgil didn't mean to convey, a lyric that didn't quite fit with everything else he was trying to tell Roman.

But the second chorus came after the second verse and Roman concluded that the song was a love song. It couldn't be anything else. To Roman, "but I wanted you to know” gave off the idea that if there was anything the singer wanted the audience to know, it was the next sentence (which included the line he was so confused about earlier). His mind almost came to the conclusion Virgil was trying to tell Roman that exact sentence...when he finally noticed that the chorus contained an apology.

Virgil already apologized.

Roman considered this, but a voice in his head told him that Roman hadn't accepted his apology—and acted like he hadn't.

Patton must have told him about last night.

He almost cursed Patton in his head, but concluded that Patton was worried because Roman often went to Virgil for the kind of thing he had gone to Patton for. Patton was concerned and probably wanted to make sure the two of them were okay.

By the end of the song, Roman knew what Virgil was trying to tell him. It threw him into a trance. He knew why Virgil sent this to him, and why he was so off-putting that night.

Virgil was in love with him.

Or so it seemed.

To be honest, Roman didn't want to believe it. Virgil being in love with him changed his whole world view.

To Roman, Virgil was the moon. Roman could always reach Virgil if he so chose, but he wasn't always present in person. He shone brightly to Roman, so bright. Not a light that made Roman shy away from and curse at, but a welcomed, beautiful light that made everything better when it was the dead of night and nothing else made sense. Virgil, for all of their friendship, was so close. He was who he was closest with. But, despite this, he was just out of reach. He couldn't hold him, touch him, speak to him in all the ways he wanted to. There was a boundary between them that made it so all that Roman wanted with Virgil was more than all that he got. He had gotten used to that. The moment he realized he wanted Virgil closer than he would ever be able to have him, he knew it would never be able to happen. Virgil didn't feel the same way.

Or, he thought that, at least.

But now, Virgil was telling him through My Chemical Romance that he did, in fact, feel the same. That he didn't mean to hurt him and he was so terribly sorry. That to Virgil, Roman was the only beauty in the ugliness of the world.

How long had Virgil felt this way? He’d had many boyfriends in the time they'd known each other. Many times where Virgil saw a man and couldn't help but be gay.

Then again, so had Roman.

Roman, despite having feelings for Virgil for a long time, dated. He'd had a few boyfriends throughout the time they'd been friends, all of them mainly in an effort to get over Virgil and because Roman thought they were cute. Maybe Virgil had done the same. Or, he could have been confused.

But the song didn't sound confused.

No, Virgil likely knew very well that he was head over heels for Roman. He had sent a single song with no caption or warning beforehand. It was clear that this was something that had been coming for a long time. Virgil was likely guilty about the fight and decided to enlighten Roman of his feelings for him.

Virgil loved him. Him.

Roman couldn't help but be surprised.

If Virgil liked anyone in their friend group, he'd think it would be Patton. He and Virgil were extremely close; best friends, if you will. (Roman was occasionally jealous of this because his closest friend was Virgil, but that was a topic for another time.) Patton was kind and sweet and cute and talented. He was a fantastic person who complimented Virgil in beautiful ways.

Virgil was also one to respect a great mind. Logan seemed more likely a love interest than Roman in the actor's eyes. Smart, interesting, logical, good with Virgil's panic attacks. The two of them would make sense. But it wasn't Logan. Or Patton.

It was Roman.

If he weren’t so emotionally drained and tired, he would squeal. Virgil was in love with him. Roman, the dramatic stage actor, the man who acted almost too much like a real-life prince.

Virgil was in love with him.

How would he respond?

Roman's eyes widened and he looked back at his phone, screen now dark. He unlocked his phone and stared at his conversation with Virgil. The text had been marked as read so Virgil must have known he'd seen it. He had to figure out how to reply.

Did Virgil want something to happen between them?

Roman didn't know.

Virgil sent the message as a text and didn’t include a caption. That could have been a way to say "I'm in love with you but I don't want anything to happen", since he wasn’t actually including anything that spoke of a desire to be with Roman romantically. However, it could just be that Virgil was an extremely anxious person and didn’t think he would be able to admit his feelings during an in-person interaction. If Virgil had been harboring feelings for an extended period, then it could be hard for him to say something directly to Roman after such a long time of keeping his feelings hidden.

A part of Roman figured that Virgil wasn't thinking ahead of this moment.

Virgil, as previously described, was anxious. He didn't seem like the type to expect or have intentions for their relationship after an admission like this. Virgil was the type of person to admit to romantic feelings and then spend every second following worrying over ruined friendships, offending someone, being mocked, getting insulted, and/or his feelings not being returned.

So, Roman concluded that Virgil wasn't conveying his intentions in this text. All he was saying was that he had feelings for him. Nothing more, nothing less.

'Nothing more'. 'Nothing more'?

Roman couldn't imagine what 'more' could possibly mean.

Virgil was in love with him.

'Love'. Something that seems so simple and sweet when you first hear it described as a young child, but something that grows to be meaningful, confusing, and complicated as you start to get older. And this love...this love was life-changing.

This was a love that had been burning for who knows how long, but that could have changed anything and everything had it been revealed sooner.

How many occasions were there where could Roman have said everything on his mind and Virgil would accept it, welcoming all his feelings? How many people did Roman date to get over Virgil that he didn't have to? How many nights in front of Virgil's door did he spend considering telling Virgil everything he felt before deciding against doing so were there? How many sleepless nights spent dreaming about what it would be like to be with him romantically did he entertain? All those things he might not have experienced at the extent he did if he'd gathered and exercised the courage Virgil currently seemed to possess...

Virgil watched as the text was marked as read. No response.

He supposed it was time for some courage of his own.

---

Virgil couldn't say with honesty that he expected anything different.

Roman was this marvelous, talented actor and Virgil was so not his type...

They were friends, though, and that mattered to Virgil. Their friendship meant the world and more to him. Maybe Virgil couldn't have his heart, hand, or lips—but he felt like he was the luckiest of people to be able to say Roman held him in positive regards. Their friendship was...

...their friendship.

Something Virgil was realizing with wide eyes and a sweater-pawed hand over his open mouth was ruined.

Sure, he considered this happening earlier, but he couldn't say he fully comprehended what it meant.

Roman, the light of his life...

...gone.

Or, at least, out of his life.

Sure, it was a friendship built on the ruins of malice, originally fueled not by each other but by mutual friends, and sustained by lies and obscurances of the truth committed by Virgil in an attempt to hide his true feelings. But it was still friendship. A friendship that meant more than anything else he had. A friendship he wasn’t sure he could deal with losing.

And he’d thrown it all away in one fell swoop. No more watching Roman’s plays at the theater, no more Disney marathons to fill the days off, no more meals of Roman’s signature chicken risotto made for his or one of their friend’s birthdays. The special comfort (whether it be after a series of panic attacks or a few angering minor inconveniences), the unique understanding Roman held and the techniques he used to make Virgil feel better during those terrifyingly vulnerable nights they shared was something that Virgil treasured beyond all else but still couldn’t fully comprehend the sacrality of. Those such nights would never again come to fruition.

Virgil wanted to yell. He wanted to scream, cry, throw the empty mug sitting three feet away on his nightstand at the wall. He didn’t, though, and he knew why. He didn’t...couldn’t regret sending Roman the text. Virgil knew he had to get over him, and that he had lied for too long. Roman deserved to know, no matter the consequences. Virgil loved Roman with all his heart, so it overwhelmed him with guilt to know he lied for such a long time. Virgil had been cruel to Roman that night the week before and he deserved to know why, even if it hurt their friendship. Maybe if he didn’t send the text things would eventually return to how they were and their relationship would continue as it always had with limited emotional complications, but Virgil would have to live day-in and day-out knowing that he was keeping information from Roman that after all these years of omitting information, his friend deserved to know.

Because there were so many nights of intimacy: of sobbing into the other’s chest with the lights out, or hands of varying temperatures drying tears, or screaming about a failed romantic relationship or the tragedy of infidelity in the aforementioned—ones that were too sacred to bring up during the day, too fragile that the moments would be shattered if they were approached with the attitude the two carried during a day of normalcy. Those nights meant more to Virgil than he let on. But the days after, he couldn’t help but feel guilty—like he’d taken something he didn’t pay for. He felt romantically for someone who didn’t return the feelings, and still allowing those moments of closeness to come to be felt like he was engaging in manipulation. He couldn’t help but entertain the nagging voice in the back of his mind that was convinced he was somehow violating Roman.

At least, with things the way they were now, Virgil would no longer have to deal with the guilt.

That didn't deter his ruthless anxiety, though. His thoughts were screaming about how everything with Roman was ruined, that all his other friends would leave him too, that Virgil would be miserable forever because he had lost the light in his life who was sometimes his sole reason for going. His hands were sweating and shaking violently. His phone almost fell from his hands at the instability. It was only fair for Roman to know, but gosh, did it hurt.

He steadied the phone in his hands and stared at the screen. His conversation with Roman was on his screen, staring back at him almost teasingly, torturously. It was like the phone or the app itself knew that this would be the last time he’d look at this texting conversation as someone who was still a friend of Roman. Soon, Roman would finally reply, and sever all ties. While Virgil was usually thankful he was someone who thought of all possible outcomes to a situation so that it was rare that an event caught him by surprise, in this situation, it only made it worse. He was sure it would probably be like suffering through heartbreak twice. The prediction beforehand, and then the real thing sometime later. He was experiencing the first right now, and the second had yet to come.

He knew that Heartbreak Number Two would feel worse.

Sure, he was feeling horrible presently, but he knew that the prediction wouldn’t be like the rejection. This heartbreak started with courage, then denial, then a realization that started to make Virgil’s hands shake and his heart beat uncontrollably. However, this was also a waiting game. When would he get rejected? 

If Roman did end up waiting for a long time before delivering his rejection to Virgil, the pain would stretch out over a long time. If he waited for an extremely long time, the pain would slowly start to dull into a passive dread, with occasional spikes of anxiety. If Roman told him soon, Virgil would have less time to prepare for the rejection, so the pain would be much worse in the moment. Ultimately, the first was the worst. Extended emotional pain was not something Virgil needed, to say the least.

The text could come at any time, when it would send was not up to him. Virgil's fate and feelings were now in Roman's hands.

All Virgil wanted to do at this point was put his phone away, drench his face in ice water, and sleep for a thousand years. Neither of those things seemed to be possible, however, since Virgil could rarely seem to sleep for longer than seven hours and he currently couldn’t bring himself to put his phone down. His hands refused to let go of the instrument of his demise.

There were two warring thoughts of ‘is losing Roman really worth losing the ache in your heart?’ and ‘he deserves to know the truth’ circling in his mind. He tried to attach himself to the second thought in hopes of rationalizing losing the greatest person in his life. It was hard, though. What would Virgil do after this? Would he leave the friendship group? Or would things just be an awkward form of normal?

He was startled out of his thoughts by a quiet but concerning sound. When Virgil replayed the sound in his mind, it sounded like the clicking of a lock. The door to Virgil’s bedroom was ajar, so the door getting locked or unlocked was obviously the door to his apartment. Virgil distinctly remembered locking his front door.

Someone was breaking in.

Only four people had the keys to Virgil’s house. Virgil himself, for obvious reasons. Patton, Virgil’s best friend. That was a no-brainer; Patton and Virgil had keys to the other’s apartment because they often hung out in each other’s apartments without any warning or planning beforehand. Roman, after many instances of banging on the door at eleven at night because he had a terrible day and needed comfort but was also waking the neighbors with his loud knocking. Finally, Logan—the most recent person to receive a key (about six months back) after a harrowing experience of Virgil needing Logan’s specific comfort during a panic attack and Logan being unable to enter the apartment. Right now, it was late. Very, very late. Patton and Logan would be asleep. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t go to Virgil. He knew this. It wouldn’t be—could it be Roman?

No, no. Roman was too mad or disgusted or annoyed with him to seek his company at this late hour. Someone must have been breaking in.

The door opened. Virgil heard it; the loud creak he made sure to keep in the door’s design so he’d always be privy to an unplanned entry into his apartment. However, he soon realized he wouldn’t need that auditory warning of someone else’s presence.

He heard the footsteps.

They were fast, loud, and terrifying. What kind of burglar walks that quickly and obviously? A terrible one. Or, one confident in their ability to overpower whatever opposing forces they may meet in the home of their victim.

Virgil wanted to run to his closet and grab his broom. Truly, he did. But he was frozen in fear on his bed, phone tight in his hands, knuckles white, and eyes unblinking. He couldn’t move.

Virgil’s door was ajar. Opened enough for any unwelcome visitor to see that there was someone inside. If it was a robbery, the intruder could easily be armed and dangerous. Would Virgil die tonight?

The footsteps were approaching his room. Quickly, and without going anywhere else in the apartment. Virgil was suddenly worried that the intruder wasn’t a robber or a burglar, and instead, someone out to get him instead of his possessions. Virgil wasn’t sure if the change in his assessment of the situation scared him as much as it should have. The rapid change in train of thought from ‘Roman’ to ‘intruder’ wasn’t allowing the subsequent panic accompanying both of those thoughts to do much catching up.

The door to his room slammed open. Virgil was thrown back an inch from the force the intruder had placed on the door. This person was not concerned about noise. Virgil’s door was already ajar, why would they…

Virgil’s thoughts stopped when his eyes focused on the person now in his bedroom. His phone slipped from his fingers and onto the bed, not that Virgil cared to divert any attention to it.

Roman.

Not normal Roman, either. His eyes were wide, his hair was mussed, he was out of breath, and he was still holding the keys to Virgil’s apartment (which were on the same keyring as his car and house keys). Virgil, for all that he knew about his good friend, could not decipher the look on Roman’s face. It seemed a bit stressed, but not in a bad way. He had been running his hands through his hair, so a lot was obviously on his mind. Virgil almost wanted to say he was shocked, but it wasn’t quite like that. Almost like...he had been shocked a few minutes back and was coming to terms with what shocked him...which made sense. Virgil had told him he loved him. That must have been shocking. The lack of any other emotions like disgust or anger was what confused Virgil.

Virgil couldn’t help but be shocked too. What was Roman doing here? Virgil had confessed. Now it was time for him to hate Virgil for his feelings and ban him from the friend group.

Wait…

The keys were still in Roman’s hand. Maybe...maybe Roman was here to return Virgil’s keys. Maybe he was here to sever all ties with him. Return Virgil’s keys, take the keys to his apartment from Virgil, tell him their friendship was over…

Roman could be here to yell at him. Virgil had kept this from him for too long. Roman might have been here to scream that he deserved to know earlier. He’d be in the right, too, since Virgil agreed. One final scolding of his actions before Roman was out of his life forever.

But did those assumptions match the look on Roman’s face? Severing ties with someone you hate should have no lingering shock, and yelling should show more obvious negative emotions than Roman was currently displaying. Roman should look disgusted, irate, and probably betrayed as well. While Roman was a fantastic actor who could pull off hiding such things, Virgil didn’t think he’d try to hide emotions like that in the present situation.

Virgil was shocked too. He thought Roman would at least let some time pass before ending all pleasant connections with Virgil. He thought he’d take time to think and mull over what Virgil’s confession meant.

He hadn’t. This terrified Virgil. Had he come to a conclusion of hatred that quickly? Was Virgil that in the wrong? Virgil was mortified...what did that mean for Roman’s next actions?

But, again, Roman didn’t look angry. He had to be, Virgil knew it, but it wasn’t obvious on his features. So, that assumption couldn’t be taken as reality.

Virgil sat in awe at his current situation. Roman was here, probably to yell or scold him, but was silent so far. None of the conclusions Virgil had come to seemed to so far seemed to have enough evidential basis to be taken as truth. So, Virgil pressed pause on the speculation and let the only expression of his thoughts and emotions be surprise.

The love of his life was in his bedroom. For what? Virgil was uncertain.

They stared into each other’s eyes. Both were full of shock, just different kinds of it. Virgil was surprised Roman was in his room—not exactly a positive kind of surprise either. Roman’s shock, while clearly something that was at its climax minutes back, was still showing on his features. A type of shock that, unlike Virgil’s, was indecipherable when it came to whether it was a good shock or a bad shock.

Virgil didn’t know how long they were still and staring. It could have been fifteen seconds; it also could have been fifteen minutes. While it was probably around two minutes, time passed differently when Virgil’s green and purple eyes were locked with Roman’s brown eyes.

Virgil knew he wasn’t just showing surprise. There was no way the fear wasn’t seeping into his expression as well. He didn’t try to stop it because he knew that if he did try, he would fail. Virgil wished he knew what Roman was thinking—wished he knew whether he should be scared or not. Roman didn’t look scared, not like Virgil did. Maybe Roman hadn’t noticed. Virgil was able to tell with bitter realization that he was more scared now than when he thought there was someone in his house trying to kill him. Sure, he’d been relieved at first, but that didn’t last for more than a second. Whatever Roman was here to do seemed worse than anything a malicious stranger could potentially have in mind.

Roman finally moved. He took a step and a half towards the bed, towards Virgil.

Virgil flinched back, right arm darting behind him and holding him up in a position that made it easy for him to leap off the bed. Roman stopped his approach.

Virgil didn’t mean to flinch, but he was too deep in his surprise and fear to do anything else. When he noticed his own movement, he was overwhelmed with regret. He wanted to get this interaction over with. Creating drama by showing his current fear of Roman wasn’t going to help with that.

Roman suddenly showed emotion other than shock on his face. His eyes started to burn with sympathy and guilt, something that confused Virgil to no end. If anything, Roman should have become angrier. Why was he showing guilt at someone he should be hating?

Roman dropped his keys. The clinking that sounded as they fell on the hardwood floor didn’t elicit any reaction from either of them. They continued to keep eye contact.

After a moment free of any movement, Roman started to approach Virgil again, this time slower and much more careful, like one approaches a terrified animal in the forest. Roman was clearly a bit hurt by Virgil’s flinching, but his present focus seemed to be on the fear that Virgil would do it again—or worse, run away. His steps were slow and quiet. His posture was a bit crouched, probably as an effort to seem less threatening.

Virgil’s teeth clenched. He didn’t want to flinch again since Roman hadn’t actually done anything to imply that he would hurt Virgil, and also because flinching would only complicate things further. Nonetheless, Virgil was scared of what Roman was preparing to do. While Virgil rarely addressed it, he’d always found Roman to be scarier than the average person. He was tall, fairly muscular, and had a temper that could do some damage when Roman wanted it to. His strength was scary and his words were scarier; he reminded Virgil of Janus in that he was good at knowing precisely what to say to bring someone emotional agony. Any preparation for being hurt by Roman was useless; he knew Virgil better than Virgil would like to admit, making it that much easier for Roman to hurt him.

Roman’s left hand reached towards him. Virgil would have flinched if his hand was in a position to strike. It wasn’t, though—it was mirroring the scared animal in the forest analogy; the extended arm was almost serving as a gesture of peace, a white flag. Virgil thought that Roman was offering Virgil his hand to take and he intended to move away, but he didn’t need to. Instead, Roman’s hand gently rested on his upper right side. His eyes looked like he was asking for permission, if his touch was okay, but Virgil could not respond. His eyes stayed on him with surprise and fear.

This touch was too gentle to be malicious. That fact was clear to Virgil, so he couldn’t jump off the bed and escape without feeling guilty. Virgil didn’t necessarily want the touch either; he didn’t dislike Roman’s hand being there, but it felt wrong, like it shouldn’t be happening. And with all the common sense Virgil had, it shouldn’t. Virgil didn’t expect Roman to touch him, even after he unexpectedly broke in. But if he did, Virgil wouldn’t expect the touch to be anything but hostile. Virgil almost hoped his confusion showed in his eyes.

Roman’s right hand reached out as well. Faster than the left had, but still moving at a careful pace. This arm went around Virgil’s waist. Then, Roman started to almost pick him up and lead him to the edge of the bed. Virgil was simultaneously terrified and embarrassed at being carried, so before Roman could properly pick him up, Virgil moved himself to the edge of the bed.

Roman’s lips twisted into what looked like one of Roman’s subtle but encouraging smiles, which again bewildered Virgil. The arm around his waist retreated and rested just above Virgil’s hip. Roman guided Virgil to his feet.

Roman clearly wanted Virgil at the same level as him—standing up. Out of context, that made sense. Virgil had shown fear of Roman, so if Roman didn’t want Virgil to feel inferior at the moment, leaving him sitting wasn’t exactly a good idea. What perplexed Virgil was that in this situation, it made sense for Roman to keep a high ground and a dominating stance. He must’ve been (he had to be) mad at Virgil. Even though that conclusion was growing less and less probable through Roman’s every action, it was the only thought keeping Virgil sane.

Roman’s left hand moved from Virgil’s side to rest on his cheek. Virgil froze, thinking he was about to be hit for a split second but was again proven wrong. Roman’s thumb brushed under Virgil’s eye—Virgil would say it was loving but that was preposterous. Virgil wanted to close his eyes, to bask in the feeling of being touched like this (no one was ever this sweet and gentle with him in a manner that would be considered romantic out of context), but he was too preoccupied and scared and surprised and confused and-

“Virgil,” said Roman. It was quiet, tender, and held more love than Virgil believed to be possible. “Virgil, mi luna.”

Virgil had no idea what that meant. He didn’t think he wanted to know.

“I love you too.”

Virgil inhaled sharply. Not too loud (he didn’t want to ruin the delicacy of the moment), but it was still audible.

Roman loved him too. Roman returned his feelings.

That didn’t make sense. Not in the slightest. Roman had shown no interest; Virgil was positive there was no reciprocation of his feelings…

But that didn’t matter now. He had to reply.

He saw Roman start to move in closer, slowly, allowing Virgil time to object. Virgil didn’t, letting the gravitational pull of Roman’s lips allow Virgil to reciprocate Roman’s intentions to kiss.

“May I kiss you, moonlight?” Roman murmured.

“Yes,” whispered Virgil, voice practically silent.

Roman’s lips met his—first, a gentle and unsure brush of lips, but then a firmer and more intent kiss. It was gentle, caring, but most of all, it was full of love.

He smiled against Roman’s lips. Roman smiled too and kissed him deeper.

Virgil couldn’t say he wasn’t still baffled by everything going on in the present. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t happy about the way things turned out.

~~~ ☪ ~~~

“Earth is ugly,” said the stars to the moon. “It does not deserve your light.”

“Maybe so,” replied the moon. “But have you considered that you are too far away to see its beauty?”

~

Taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account @justanotherhumanstuff @neo-neo-neo @fander-fic-recs

~

I know that little bit at the end is a bit extra and unnecessary, but I thought it up one time and it has some ‘deeper’ meaning I liked as well as relation to the metaphors in the story. I deeply considered not posting this one because of how different it is to the usual and the minimal dialogue, but I sent it to a beta who loved it! I’ve been stirring in the idea of Virgil confessing with this song for probably 6+ months and only decided to start writing it in October. It might be bad but I hope you enjoyed! I’ve been working on this on and off for months so I really hope it’s good.

[honorable-wanderings]

Word of Honor - Episode 2 Part 2 - Mirror Lake has more Fire than expected

In an interesting twist of fate Zhou Zishu decides to take the nice munchkin up on his offer to crash at his place for a while.

Thumbs up my dood

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Now the fuck are these guys?

Oh cool. Thanks.

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See? Children chants are creepy! Always!

But especially when driven by plort! (plort was a typo but I’m Keeping it.)

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Finally people treating our man with common decency and respect! Who knew he just needed a fancy bookmark?

Oop. Nevermind

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I have discovered the joys of fucking with people and I’m never going back again

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A fuck this guy again. I’m assuming we’re not supposed to like him? But I don’t like him either way. He has no...  je ne sais quoi

He boring. Basic. Bland.

It ain’t good.

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Oh and also you know how you wanted us to keep tabs on Zhou ZiShu? Oh well um.. it’s going great! Great! Yeah... except for... we can’t find him.

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Well if this ain’t a whole ass mood?

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Midnight already? Time for the pain pins to poke me painfully!

This sure is a weird version of Cinderella

gross

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Okay okay so normally the 7 torture nails block your chi? I’m understanding? So you can no longer do martial arts. And he would rather die than lose all his martial arts so he put the nails in slowly so that he could still have SOME of his martial arts. But the point of the nails is still that he wants to die and feels he deserves to be punished as well? Right? So having his martial arts helps mediate the pain which lessons the punishment

and if it weren’t for the punishment aspect couldn’t he have just like... faked the nails? Or would they have been able to tell? I mean this is all dramatic and all but where are your motivations Zhou ZiShu?

work with me here

----------

Hey?! That’s not sunlight?!?

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Love me a good silhouette shot

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And suddenly everything is on fire???

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Rude

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After watching like 4 people get killed in front of him and a lot of fire and ransacking our protragonists finally thinks perhaps he should get himself involved.

----------

How is everything a fucking boomerang???

-----------

Pffffff I love it

Tunk thunk

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In another interesting development, the boat man from before is important?????

Also our boy is doing his best with that hat

----------

Okay I know he’s like a master of disguise and all but like he doesn’t seem to be doing much to actually... hide? Still love his wiggly sword style

----------

Um take the kid and fucking run maybe????

---------

*stalks you from a not very inconspicuous distance*

Didja miss me?

No

----------

Hate to see you leave but love to watch you go

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Fuck I hate being disarmed.

----------

This place looks strangely similar to the woodshed...

---------

The fuck are you?

Wouldn’t you like to know?

Yes I would. That’s why I asked

----------

There’s just nothing quite like a near death experience to bring people together.

----------

Take this kid and run!

But sir, you don’t seem to understand! I am the Best Boy! I simply cannot just leave you to die.

----------

Don’t worry kid! You can’t get in trouble anymore! Your dad is fuckin dead! Surely that’ll bring you some comfort!

----------

Random Local Boatman is surprisingly honorable and happens to be in debt to the father of the kid who was nice to you that morning.

Life sure is weird.

----------

He doing him best

---------

Though it is absolutely understandable, he reacts to being touched by that paper the way I react to walking into a spider web.

-------

Gramps is a badass

-----------

I do have to say these guys do seem to be much better trained than the usual evil henchmen. And you have to appreciate their aesthetic.

----------

Seriously!! The best boy!!!!!

This man has helped in a little bit exactly once to repay him for his own kindness an this little teenager is willing to just die for him without hesitation.

Like no, son, the two old men are doing this so that YOU live. You have it backwards.

----------

Surpriiiiise I’m stalking you too!

----------

Oh no the henchmen are falling into the drawing things out to emotionally torture their prey thing. Don’t y’all know that giving the protagonist time to recover and/or study your moves is how you die? Did you even GO to henchman school?

----------

ahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Just.. omg. The noise he made. “Dwaaah!!!”

------------

Okay kid I know you’re young and under a lot of stress and never really got into the whole martial arts training thing but grandpa is doing better than you literally laying down and covered in cuts. Just sayin

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Aw nuts

---------------

*ding*

Please take your protagonist out of the oven as cooktime has been completed.

----------

The fighting editing style seems to be a weird splice of nice crisp slowmotion view of the action and spliced together jump cuts and zooms that make for an odd kinda hard to follow combination. But at least I guess they tend to end on ‘cool pose x”

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“Hey, Beggar! You’re good at martial arts. Somehow this surprises me even though I already knew that???”

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Unexpected trust fall ends better than anticipated

----------

Das gaee

----------

He’s bendin’ over backwards for you!!

--------

Unexpected but definitely varied emotional investments on the fact that Gramps is dying.

----------

Look at him being all humble.

----------

Ooh he could be in a medical drama. That is the perfect like sad close your eyes and head shake no I’m sorry he’s not gonna make it. Bravo.

Very delicate.

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“Don’t fuckin’ touch me”

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I’m guilt tripping you into a found family and you’re gonna like it punk

---------

Sick dude, whats your name? Shit no one’s asked me that before somehow I’m not ready..

Uh.uh... Zhou Xu.

Nailed it.

“Zhou Xu? Naw that doesn’t sound right.”

-----------------

May you learn from this never to underestimate, rob, and otherwise harass your local old boat man for you never know when he may force you through guilt and honor into taking on a ward and a quest under penalty of being haunted by his old ass ghost forever

----------

Uncle Li has died and most of the group is much more upset about it than they would have anticipated that morning.

Poor ChenLing is having a rough day.

------------

RIP Uncle Li. So much for living a carefree couple of years lying drunk in the sun.

It looks like even now you can’t escape your responsibilities Zhou Xu.

----------------

Group of hereto-unknown men arrive in poor time to stop the bonfire

------------

“What’s wrong?” Um... maybe... fire??

------------

I say again, thank you for labeling the people I’m supposed to remember.

Also, why did y’all have to wait for orders before checking out the fuckin boats?

Y’all dumb.

---------------------

Hey, Wen KeXing, Not trying to throw off your groove or anything but maybe a funeral isn’t the best time for flirting? Perhaps? Maybe?

I know you don’t have an ‘off’ switch but maybe a pause button?

-----------------

“are you done?”

“Never.”

----------

It deadass took y’all this long to introduce yourself? You’ve been stalking him all this time and you never thought to go “btw my name Wen KeXing? Comment t’appelles tu?” Come on man

---------------

Our best boy is having his not best day. D:

Don’t worry. Your new family will stalk/care for you.

-----------------

“A-Xiang! Make some food!” “No shit Sherlock I already did.” “My ideas are the best. :D”

--------------

Eat your food!

Eat your food!

Eat your food!!

Eat your FOOD!!!

EAT YOUR FOOD!!!!

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EAT YOUR GODDAMN FOOD?

-------------

“Oh my GOD we get it you can fucking read! Oh my god.”

---------

If I prove I can read too will you pass me a damn pancake?

Fuck yeah.

----------------

GOD DAMN IT SOMEONE EAT FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK

------------

Um excuse you this group only has room for one little bitch and it ain’t fuckin you, you hear me little girl?

------------

I am very sorry. Thank you for saving my life. I would like to re-assert my status as “best boy”.

HEY WHAT THE FUCK????

-------------------

Wen KeXing: 👀

----------------------------

Please increase your friendship level before asking personal questions.

---------

Nya Nya you were useless when your home was burned to the ground and your family was killed waaaaah how pathetic are you!!

Can you fucking not?

My B.

--------------------

BEST BOY INJURED THIS IS NOT A DRILL

----------

Our Man Zhou ZiShu respects bodily autonomy!

Do not touch my fuckin’ boy or I will fight you!

-----------------

And we end the episode with Wen KeXing being horny on main!

Sir, keep it together. There are children present.