#deconstructing Catholicism

[mycatpomona]

I have spoken to a few people about this and I am curious

[nekrotikon]

hey, you! yes, you! do you like:

john milton’s paradise lost (or the band paradise lost. c’mon please anyone)

dante’s inferno

queer romance

romance that turns into tragedy

angels

when people know deep in their soul that lucifer and michael are so so fruity

so much flower symbolism

dealing with the knowledge that the weight of your actions will devour you until the end of days

GAY angels

then boy do i have the story for you!

i'm c.o. lopez, a queer disabled ND white/filipino writer working on a queer retelling of the devil’s tragedy called Sons of God.

lucifer is the oldest angel, tasked by a distant god with rearing all angels born after him, including the second-born michael.

as heaven develops at their feet and more angels are born, the pair grow closer, but the growing roles given to lucifer by the absent father and michael’s search for his identity, along with lucifer’s questioning of the lord and michael’s devotion, begin to drive them apart.

above it all, the lord sits on his lotus throne, watching and waiting in silence.

content warnings: along with graphic violence and sexual content, this book contains depictions of blasphemy, mental instability, psychosis, graphic self-harm, and emotional neglect. all of the angels also refer to each other as ‘brother’, including those in relationships. these warnings are currently subject to change, so make sure to check them every so often! and please if you're a minor, don't interact; you will be blocked. this blog isn't a space for you.

below are some tags that'll be used a lot (for more, look at my featured tags!):

sons of god: a general catch-all for book-related things; any tags below besides no-soggy-waffles will inherently include this

no soggy waffles: non-writing stuff, ex. paintings, cats, memes, w/e

soggy draft: any writing snippets up until being finished

soggy shitposts: memes about SOG

soggy asks: writing-related asks

soggy art: any drawings

sog [character name] will be used for any posts about specific characters, ex. 'sog lucifer' or 'sog asmodeus'

i hope you'll join me on this journey of gay angels and god sucking and saying screw you to catholicism!

also: mutuals who don't already have it can ask for my discord! i'm pretty regularly not on tumblr so if you want to hit me up outside of here, just ask :))

[hcneymooners]

hello, hello.

i've been debating making this post, but i’ve been thinking a lot about how my work often references God, religion, faith in general, and all the things in between. as someone raised in both the south and caribbean culture, i thought maybe this could be helpful for others trying to navigate queerness and religion—especially the mess and clarity that come with deconstruction.

note: this isn’t meant to tell anyone how to feel about faith or how to navigate their own path—this is just what’s been true for me. if it helps even one person feel a little less alone or a little more seen, then that’s enough. read with grace, take what you need, and leave the rest behind.

for a long time, i aimed to be good. good at school. good to people even when it meant letting them take advantage of me. i convinced myself that as long as i was pure, i would be okay. that it was that simple, and that somehow, i’d figured it out before anyone else. but i didn’t account for anger. or desire. or being a lesbian. what did lana say in that one song? “we had a deal and i fucked it up when / i made the decision to become someone.” so here's a little of my survival guide. for context, i was raised roman catholic.

first comes the work of reshaping the imagery. i released the God of my childhood and awakened the God of my womanhood. i began to replace “him” with “her,” then “Him” with “Her.” i already know some might see that as blasphemous, but it made praying easier which was something i wasn’t ready to lose. the universe is God to me. the universe is love, and so is God, and so i trust Her. She is Him, and He is Her. the universe, to me, can also be a woman who has big eyes and a dark face and makes me feel like i might be staring into myself. it’s easier to come back to God when i picture it differently. when i strip the man to the bone and rebuild into the woman i see, it’s so much easier to pray. she feels like my mother.

"offline or online, i am still connected." i think that’s how i feel about faith; i’m still connected to believing in something. it’s just that what i believe has changed and expanded. it doesn’t harm me. it helps me return to myself and shows me the way home. it’s easier to pray to Mary when i’m scared on a plane, to tell her that i know i’ll make it through because she wouldn’t place me in something i could not get through.

an altar can be anywhere. i used to feel guilty about not having a bible verse in my bio or the bible app on my phone. but i don’t need those things to make my prayer real. you don’t either. your love will pour out and stain the feet of the God before you, and They will wipe your mouth. They will understand that it’s prayer.

physicality. this was important to me when i was unpacking the feeling of being wrong or impure. if the universe condensed into one person, i’d ask her to lie down with me. we’d be pressed knee to knee and leg to leg. i’d think of her hips on top of mine, wide and inviting like the moon. i guess we are naked if i take a step back, but it’s not at all sexual. it’s just the understanding that she is holding me. babying me. and i’ve always wanted someone to. i will feel her touch me, and i’ll try to say thank you, because gratitude has been engraved in me. my mouth will move and nothing will come out, but she'll hear me.

the talking can be constant if you need it to be. i’m always speaking to God, about God, my understanding of it. it’s not organized. i haven’t constructed anything bigger than myself. restructuring kind of feels like waking up tangled in a spider’s web and standing carefully, your feet sticky as you navigate the threads. i took care not to break some of them but snapped others, creating space for new weaving. God becomes synonymous with the world, and you will find faith everywhere.

others may judge, but stick to what works for you.

another realization: it never really leaves you, and that’s fine. it’s also fine if you want to hold on.

sometimes faith blends. i work with water and have my crystals, listen to protection frequencies, and still buy my virgin Mary candle in all of its pink and radiant glory to light in the bathroom. i pray every time i board a plane, after a nightmare, or whenever a wave of unease hits. each time, it’s a Hail Mary.

also: resources. my God, find people who interpret with grace. below are some of my favorite blogs.

has content about faith: @ginwhitlock, @boykeats, @ohholydyke, ethel cain when she was active and i'm being so serious. has content that has made me see the world differently & renew faith in myself: @podencos @watermotif @cocainejuul @kristina100000 @eatpussypraylove @chloeinletters @anxeious

most importantly, i’m taking your hand until you can hold your own. i’m looking at you, because i really mean this: there is nothing wrong with you. you were nine. or thirteen. or fifteen. or twenty-one. or twenty-three. or. i’m saying it because i’d have given anything to hear that back then.

it would’ve been Heaven to me.

if you want to reach out, my inbox and messages are always open.

love you.

allyson. x

[ohholydyke]

I’ve received enough asks and messages about my process of balancing Christian bigotry and its harms with my queerness and love for god, so I’m going to make a blanket post, though ofc I still always welcome asks and questions and all:

I was raised Protestant fundamentalist. I’ve known I was queer since I was a child. Trust me, I’ve been through every process you can think of coming out of that. I prayed the gay away, I spent nights soaking my pillows in tears begging God to change me or my family, I wrestled with God and faith and Christianity over and over again, I was angry and bitter and broken and depressed and traumatized and wounded and spiteful and all the emotions that arise out of the grief those circles will put on you. I walked away from God and religion entirely for several years. I spent that time deconstructing, letting myself feel my rage and my grief, tearing out the jagged shards of fundamentalism chaining me down and embedded into my soul piece by bloody, painful fucking piece over and over again. There are still some pieces lodged deep inside me. Things I either can’t quite reach yet or don’t know are there because when fundamentalist Christianity is all you know and all you are raised in it touches every single thought and concept and aspect of who you are and how you exist. Sometimes I still find myself back in that place—screaming and sobbing at the weight of it all, at the childhood and family and life that was ripped away from me and replaced with a CPTSD diagnosis and broken relationships.

The difference is that now, I have found my way back to Christ. Through Catholicism, I was able to pray to Mary and the Saints when I thought God had shut his ears to me. I was able to sit in mass and it was the first time in my life I could go through a Christian service without being dissociated and immediately triggering my CPTSD. I was able to find Catholics who showed love and support and respect for my queerness and my politics and my pain. I am eternally grateful to them. When I was buckling from the weight of it all, I found myself (an agnostic with Protestant roots at the time) sobbing alone in a chapel in the middle of the night, feverish and delirious with grief. And there, in the depths of my despair, like Job I felt God’s presence and heard his voice. I felt Christ sitting by me, holding me, not denying my pain but embracing it and taking it unto himself.

So when I find myself back in the valley of the shadow of death, I breathe and remember I’ve been there before, and I know God is with me. I may not understand why we endure suffering, or why hatred is allowed to exist in the world, or why evil and sin and the fall occur at all, or why God allows bigots to cause such violence in his name. But I can no longer deny that he exists, and that he loves me, and suffers with me, and I love him.

[misspjsuperior]

What I mean when I say “folk Catholicism” 📿

“He has cast down the mighty from their thrones, and has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty.”

[surviving-the-next-4-years]

“Anger is not the opposite of peace. It is the body’s way of alerting you that your peace has been violated.”

[00waywardalma00]

I’m so glad that I got this book! This and The Red Text podcast have been a true inspiration! 🌹✝️🪄🌹

[briefblueseason]

Just remembered when the trad girl at my Catholic college cornered me in the bathroom crying about how she had a crush on her best friend

[long-sleeved-sandwich]

sometimes i feel that my religion is the toxic relationship i keep coming back to because im accustomed to it and feel safe with it even though it usually does nothing more than hurt me.

[theprodigals]

the more time goes by the less interested i am in ever returning to the evangelical chuch

[amillionkilopascals]

Catholicism teaches you to love the knife sinking into your flesh.

Not just the person twisting it, no, but also the knife.

God is in the person forcing the knife between your ribs,

God is in the knife,

God is in the pain you feel,

God is in the suffering.

At the same time, God loves that you are suffering.

He loves how it makes you cry out to him in agony, how it makes you beg and plead with him for mercy.

And then, when He remains silent, He loves your helpless acceptance of the fact that it is what He wills of you.

[misspjsuperior]

My Gemini ass genuinely loves how my art gets shared by folk Catholics and independent Satanists alike on this particular religious spectrum

Thank you philosopher hearted humans of all spiritual paths for sharing how you relate to these visions born of compulsion, reared through discipline

[libresunrise]

.

[00waywardalma00]

When I started my devotion to Santa Muerte, I didn’t want to include any of the Catholic elements to this practice. But after some research and reflection, I was able to come across those who practice Folk Catholicism and seeing how they deconstruct and reconstruct the faith has helped me on my perspective on the matter. On this Easter I would like to think that with the help of Death, Jesus became who he is today. Santa Muerte is not some demon in disguise, she is a Mexican folk saint with so much to offer and teach. For those you observe the holiday, have a great Easter! And for those that don’t, may you have a relaxing Sunday! 💐💀💐

[diet-cokette]

I have to avoid the urge to find a different Pre-Made worldview and just adopt all its beliefs and practices... I need to find the answers within me and take my time c