one in the same. part six.
— pairing: otto hightower x fem!reader
— type: part of a series
— summary: you & otto attend the tourney, and then the ball, & things are acknowledged.
— tw: eating
— word count: 7,130
— a/n: oh , they are so darcy x elizabeth, tywin x joanna, daddy x daughter (do not crucify me—but if someone asks me to elaborate, i shall) coded omg.
totally listened to hunger by ross copperman while writing the dance scene (delena 5ever)
— tagging list: @ohsnapitzmarvelficrec
When you wake the next morn, it’s to someone gently gripping your shoulder, speaking lowly into your ear.
You slowly blink your eyes open, still feeling tired and wishing for more rest, and then you see who is the culprit of your interrupted sleep.
You stare up at him with bleary eyes, feeling quite warm and content, and it’s only then that you finally notice your body is pressed against his own; your shift having ridden up to your thighs overnight.
“It is nearly dawn,” he whispers.
You clutch the pillow under you, closing your eyes again. “Then why are we awake, Otto?”
“Seven Hells,” you hear him curse quietly. “You agreed last night that you would be found in your own chambers come the morn. Come, it is time to rise. I will have my guard escort you.”
“I’m not putting my things back on yet again. I’m too tired to dress.”
He rolls his eyes upward dramatically. Always, always difficult. Insolent young woman.
“You cannot leave here in only your shift. Come now. I am not arguing.”
You feel the mattress dip, then rise, but you only spread your arm across his side of the bed, groaning. “Come back,” you mutter, and he pauses at the request.
He then shakes his head, coming round to your side.
Your side.
You now have a side.
He should’ve used a far firmer hand last night in forcing you to leave.
Otto reaches for your shoulder, turning you toward him, and then quickly drops his hand as you begin to stretch, back arching, soft breasts becoming visible through your thin shift.
When you settle, you merely stare up at him.
For the first time, he is thankful things no longer work for him as they once did many years ago.
“Y/N, it is time. You will obey me. Do you have any idea the consequences which would befall each of us if we were found together in such states of…undress?”
Your eyes roam along him, noticing that he is now only dressed in a long, thin night shirt and knickers. Him not wearing a tunic, cloak, and trousers, with his Hand pin placed upon his chest, is a jarring sight. It’s like he is a different man in this moment. Vulnerable. No armor—that is, dress clothes—to speak of. Even his hair is tangled, lying this way and that atop his head, his beard also unkempt.
You sit up then, shift falling lower, your shoulders bare. “Did you sleep well?”
He groans. “There is no time for discussion.” He reaches for your hand, pulling you off the mattress as he hands you your corset.
You glance at it for a moment before looking at him once again towering over you. “I told you I am not putting it back on.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment, shutting his eyes, trying to tamper down his boiling temper. “Just this once can you not do as I ask?”
He stares down at you again.
You toss it onto the floor and he clenches his jaw.
Worse than a child, he thinks. Mayhaps this is retribution for all those years spent making you miserable. If he’s discovered like this, with you, he will pay with his head.
He then wonders what ridiculous songs would be written about the Hand and the loss of his head for being found abed with the king’s bastard daughter.
He leans down toward you. “And what, exactly, do you propose to wear through the halls if someone were to set eyes upon you at such early hours?”
You glance to his wardrobe.
The halls are, thankfully, empty as you make your way back to your rooms—Otto’s guard close at your side.
Otto’s robe drags across the floor behind you, the rest of it completely engulfing you. Beneath it, you clutch your clothes close to your chest, heart hammering, hoping—actually praying—not a soul happens across you before you reach your chambers.
“Did anyone see you?” Otto asks, slicing into a poached egg.
You take a bite of toast, then sip at your juice. “If they had, I would have mentioned it as soon as I came through the door.”
He clasps his hands atop the table. “It will never happen again. Is that understood?”
You glance to him with a raised brow. “We shall see.”
His gaze hardens at your flippant tone. “And I expect my robe to be returned promptly.”
You stab at a strawberry tart on his plate. “I would not hold my breath on that account.”
For the next fortnight, the Keep is abuzz with activity—preparations for the celebrations planned by His Grace taking place.
The castle is given a thorough cleaning by the servants, decorations are hung and placed about the corridors, and the cooks and kitchen staff have order after order of fine wines, cheeses, meats, salts, vegetables and fruits, and much more delivered day-by-day.
Meanwhile, you have a new gown made for the ball, and another to wear to the tourney, which will be held beforehand that afternoon.
In truth, you share Otto’s sentiments to such gatherings. They make you not just anxious, but also incredibly uncomfortable. You never feel like more of a pretender than when you are forced to put on a facade of being the king’s eldest daughter, and sister to the Princess—when people address you as ‘Lady’ and bow their heads at your mere presence.
You would rather lock yourself in your chambers and hide under the covers until it is all over. But you know what is expected of you. And so, you must play along. Even if you feel a part of you die inside each time you do.
When Otto enters his chambers—a stack of books in his arms, taken from the library—it is to the sight of you fast-asleep in his bed.
He sets the books down upon a table and studies you for a moment.
He is not entirely pleased with you at-present. After exiting the library, one of his maids had passed him in the hall and informed him that she had brought you lunch, but you had refused to wake for it. So, the dish had, instead, after an hour of sitting untouched, been returned to the kitchens.
You had been sullen lately—spending most of your time sitting in a chair on his balcony, staring silently off into the distance, or sleeping away the day in his bed. Not even his addressing you as ‘Young Lady’ more times than he could count had earned him a sarcastic reply of your name for him—’Old Man’.
And, when it came to dining together, you would only idly push food around your plate, until he was forced to encourage you to eat.
He seats himself on the edge of the bed, staring down at you, brushing a strand of hair away from your face with his finger. He sighs softly. Even this allowance he had made for you—allowing you back into his bed, even after stating firmly that it was to be a one-time occurrence.
But, when you had come to him one evening, upset, tears shimmering in your eyes—even if you refused to tell him what was the matter—asking if you could stay with him for just a little while, he had relented easily.
So, you’d silently padded into his chambers, clutching your cloak tightly around yourself.
It was when you dropped the item of clothing that your intentions in coming to him were made clear. You were only wearing your shift—ready for bed.
He’d watched as you crawled atop the mattress, burying yourself beneath blankets before falling asleep. He’d not said a word about it.
After that night, you began to sleep in his bed more often than even your own. Mostly during the daytime, that is. There had only been one other evening where you had shared a night together, lying next to one another.
You’d once again remained with him in his chambers reading, the hour quite late, when you’d eventually stood, nervously wringing your hands. “May I stay?”
He’d agreed with a nod, making you promise to dress come the next morning, unlike the first time you’d slept here.
You’d agreed.
And then he had lost yet another one of his robes come the following day.
He brushes the back of his fingers along your cheek. “Darling, it is nearly time for supper.”
Your face twitches, but you do not wake.
He sighs. “You did not eat lunch.”
You’re still quiet. Then, “I was not hungry.”
“Explain to me where this return to melancholic behavior is stemming from. I had thought we’d moved past—”
You open your eyes, staring out the open doors to the balcony. “I do not wish to go to the tourney,” you whisper.
He bends his leg at the knee, turning more toward you. “Nor do I. But such appearances are expected by those in our positions.”
“Do you not recall what…happened during the last one?”
His jaw feathers. So that was why. How did he not see it sooner: the clear explanation for your sudden change in state?
“Y/N…” He trails off, unsure what to even say.
You sit up, tucking hair behind your ears, taking one of his hands within both of yours. “I can’t…stop thinking about it. Everyone sitting in those stands, laughing and cheering and…” Tears sting your eyes. “All while she was…”
You begin to sob.
He then wraps his arms around you, pulling you close. “I will be there beside you.”
He pulls back, brushing tears from your cheeks, your eyes full of exhaustion. “We shall suffer together,” he states, lip twitching and filling with a small sense of relief when you smile slightly at his jest.
The morning of the tourney, you do not come to him to break your fast, which he allows just this once, presuming that you are otherwise occupied; being readied by your maids for that afternoon’s events.
He does, however, have a plate of fruit and strawberry tarts—a favorite of yours—delivered to your chambers, along with a small box, a note inside addressed to you.
You sit at your vanity, your room vacated of servants now that you have been made ready for spectating.
You stare down at the small box resting in your lap, finally opening it. You first remove the small bit of parchment inside—the Hightower heraldry stamped atop it, which you break—reading the hand-written note: Your ‘handsome stipend’.— Otto
You set the note aside, then gently pull out a long string of pearls, your eyes widening at the beautiful gift. You roll the small opalescent balls between your fingers, smiling slightly to yourself, a warmth blooming in your chest as tears sting your eyes at the generous gift.
You then glance to the plate of tarts and berries Otto had sent your way just that morn and pick up a mulberry, placing it upon your tongue, and slowly chewing.
There is a knock at your door, interrupting you from your nervous pacing.
You slowly open it, and are met with the sight of Otto, one arm pressed against the door-frame, the other hanging limply by his side.
He then takes in the vision that is you. Your long hair is curled, some of it gathered atop your head, small pearl pins placed throughout. You wear a soft gown that is the shade of seafoam, the long sleeves and skirt made of loose gossamer, the embroidered bodice hugging your feminine frame. Slippers placed upon your dainty feet. And then, hanging from your slender neck, is a long string of familiar-looking pearls, which you come to finger nervously as you watch him watching you.
“I look ridiculous,” you say, face heating, wishing to let your hair down.
He lowers his right arm behind his back, clutching his other, as he stands tall. “You look lovely.”
You blink up at him and he then looks behind you to your dining table—the plate of food he had sent to you practically untouched. He steps around you, picking up a tart and holding it toward you. “Eat this and then we may go.”
You step toward him, taking it from his hand. In truth, you had retched twice overnight just thinking about today. Food was the last thing you desired. But he knows that already. It’s why he’s asking you to eat at all—because he is aware, without even needing have been told, that you haven’t all morn.
You take a bite, then another, chewing slowly, both of you looking at the other as you finally finish it.
He then offers you his arm. “Shall we?”
You hesitate to take it, wondering why he is not instead accompanying the King, or even his daughter. Or anyone else but…you.
He then speaks again, his eyes alight. “I did promise that we would suffer through it together, did I not?”
Your lip twitches then as you come to securely wrap both of your arms around his own, holding tightly as you press your cheek against his cloak. You step alongside him as he leads you out into the hall, shutting the door to your room firmly behind him.
You look out the windows to the carriage at the passing scenery that is the streets of King’s Landing.
“You did not treat me so kindly at the last tourney,” you say quietly.
He rests his hands in his lap, clasping them together. “I know.”
You think back to it.
You’d come into the royal stands already a nervous wreck—but doing your utmost to hide it as you smiled politely and greeted those who greeted you. And then you’d gone to seat yourself next to Lady Alicent—the only empty seat remaining, on her left—until Otto had abruptly stood, grabbing the chair, and moving it far away from everyone else.
You had stood there, swallowing down the lump in your throat, feeling sick as he glared at you, returning to his own seat.
And so you had spent that afternoon seated alone, fighting back tears, praying for the jousting to be over sooner rather than later so you could fall apart in your chambers without witnesses.
Which you had most certainly done, but for entirely different reasons than initially planned.
“You humiliated me,” you say, refusing to look at him.
In truth, he had filled with guilt when he saw the look in your eyes after he had done it. That of utter sorrow. He had regretted it, but also refused to undo it, leaving you sitting there, staring down at your hands in your lap, not partaking in the festivities for even a moment as you drifted away in your mind.
“I deeply regret it. It was a cruel thing to have done.”
“You made a spectacle of me. The one person there who wanted anything but attention put on her. I did not even wish to be in attendance in the first place.”
He leans forward, taking both of your hands in his. “Forgive me, Y/N. I assure you, I will never do such an ugly thing ever again.”
He presses his lips to your fingers—the coarse hairs of his beard tickling your skin—before pulling back, looking at you.
You nod gently. “I forgive you.”
You squeeze Otto’s arm—press yourself closely to his side—as he leads you up and into the stands. You stare up at him—anywhere but at the gathering crowd across the way—while he keeps his eyes forward, his face unreadable.
It’s in this moment that you finally notice just how different of a man he truly is with you. His features softer, his form more relaxed, even his body is less tense when you are alone.
By keeping your gaze trained on him, you fail to notice the various pairs of eyes which take the both of you in. All filled with either shock or pleasant surprise.
Viserys halts mid-sentence while speaking to Lord Corlys, brows furrowing slightly at the two of you together in one another’s company. A sight which he has never seen before, but is pleased to today, nonetheless.
Rhaenyra turns back around from leaning over the railing, watching knights and horses being readied to tilt, smile faltering as she watches Otto retrieve a chair from the front of the stands, settling it next to his own, which you seat yourself in.
Alicent glances up to her from her own position, following Rhaenyra’s line-of-sight, turning to look behind her, and her heart drops when she sees her father seating himself next to you, smiling slightly as the two of you begin to speak quietly amongst yourselves. Your hands are wrapped around his arm, which rests between the two of you, your chairs are pushed so closely together.
“Do you ever bet on these ridiculous jousts?” You ask him, fingers gripping the soft material of his cloak.
He leans back, crossing his long legs—which are stretched out before him—at the ankle. “Never.”
“And have you ever participated in any? As you are a knight.”
Somehow, picturing him atop a horse with a lance in his hand and a helmet with a feather stuck in the top upon his head makes you want to burst out laughing. So, you instead bury the lower-half of your face against the crown of his shoulder, slightly giggling at the thought.
He looks to you with a raised brow. “Does such an image amuse you, young lady?”
You nod slightly, staring up at him.
His lip twitches. “Jousting, no. Sparring, however, a few times. Though, I preferred to do it for practice to keep my skills with a sword sharpened.” He fears they have, perhaps, dulled over time now.
You rest your chin atop his shoulder. “I should like to see that.”
He looks back ahead. “All you would see is an old man eating dirt. I am not as I once was. Not nearly as nimble; as quick.”
“I’ve never seen you use your sword.”
“If we are fortunate, I may die without ever needing to.”
He then glances to Alicent, knowing that if certain plans come to fruition, the events of today may have all been for naught. But, he fears the young Princess will not allow the traditions of primogeniture to prevent her from taking what he is sure she now thinks of as being rightfully hers: the Iron Throne.
House Targaryen’s words may very-well be witnessed in his lifetime then.
You pull him from his thoughts when you next speak. “I wanted to thank you for my gift,” you say softly, fingers sliding down your pearls.
He presses a chaste kiss to the top of your head. “Merely repayment for all your hard work.”
You slide your hand further up his arm, finally glancing to the gathering crowd across the way. “Yes, I suppose being a most constant sense of frustration for you is rather taxing employment.”
He laughs then suddenly and rather loudly, a few heads turning in your direction, while he glances down to you, shaking his head with a smile, grinning. “Indeed.”
He then rests his hand over-top your own that’s gripping his sleeve.
Rhaenyra had already given her favor away rather early-on, but yet another knight rides up, calling her name.
You watch silently, cheek resting on Otto’s shoulder—eagerly awaiting the close of events—as Rhaenyra stands, walking forward.
She then turns around, looking at you with a smile. She waves her hand for you to come.
Your brows furrow as you release Otto’s arm for the first time all afternoon, standing.
She nods toward the small table beside you. “He wishes to receive your favor. Ser Hugh.”
You smile nervously in return, grabbing your laurel of white roses, glancing to Otto for just a moment as you do—the look in his eyes cold, his jaw hard, hands squeezed tightly into fists as he watches you.
Your brows knit together briefly, an unsettling feeling coming over you as you turn, coming to stand beside Rhaenyra.
A handsome man, a handful of years older than you, with dark hair and a tempting smile stares up at you from under polished armor, holding a lance in your direction. “I would be most pleased, My Lady, to boast your favor. I’m most assured that with it, and your blessings, I will best my opponent.”
You drop the small wreath of flowers, watching as it slides down toward him, coming to settle at the base of his lance. “You now have both, Ser,” you say with a shy smile.
He winks before lowering the visor of his helm, his horse trotting away before he positions it at the far-right end of the median, which separates him and the opposing knight.
Otto keeps his eyes trained on you, blood boiling at your gallant knight having been so forward. A recurring annoyance indeed. First a marriage proposal, and now openly seeking your favor before the eyes of many. He is sure this evening he will only grow bolder; so he resolves to as well.
He cannot have you.
None of them can.
On the carriage ride back to the Keep, you’d fought against a small smile which kept working its way back onto your lips the entire journey. Otto had remained silent, glaring out the window, wondering if perhaps it wasn’t singularly-sided then. Mayhaps you instead saw him as more of a fatherly figure, as opposed to…anything else.
Who was he, at his age, to be desiring someone of yours, anyway? He tells himself such inclinations did not develop until quite recently, but he knows that to be a falsehood. They’d begun long ago. It’s precisely why, for some time, each time your father received correspondences requesting your hand, Otto had used everything at his disposal—his words as deft and polished as possible—to council him to hold onto you for as long as manageable instead, assuring him that lowly knights and third-born sons were not proper matches for the eldest daughter of the King. That to just hand you off to such men would make him look weak.
And Viserys had taken such advice, thankfully.
He prays Ser Hugh does not make an audience with the King tonight, inquiring as to the outcome of his recent written request for your hand, for Viserys never even saw it before Otto had destroyed it, tossing it into his hearth a fortnight ago.
Finally, Otto looks at you, wondering how best to inquire about your thoughts toward this new mystery knight—for you are not yet familiar with him; nor will you ever be, if he has something to say about it, and he’s most sure he will.
“He is a bastard.”
You look at him, brows furrowing. “Hm?”
“Ser Hugh.”
“Oh.” A pause. “We already have something in common, then.”
You stare at him, waiting for a reaction. Waiting to see if you had been right—if that look he had given you as you took your laurel in-hand had been jealousy. Just the thought of it had kept you biting back a smile the entire ride to the Keep; the first time you had felt any form of even slight joy in days upon days.
He leans back, folding his hands. “He is the son of a blacksmith.”
You raise a brow in feigned interest. “He must be rather strong, then, no?”
A muscle in his jaw feathers. “It implies that he comes from impoverished means.”
“You sound rather like a snob,” you reply looking back out the window.
His temper begins to boil.
You speak again. “As did I, before my father claimed me. At least he has made something of himself.”
What’ve you done? Read books and recited poetry and practised with your septa how best to be a dutiful wife to the right lord, which will be chosen for you by another’s hand one day? You suddenly feel an urge to get out and walk instead. You are unworthy to be wearing such fine things—in an expensive carriage being pulled by the best horses coin can buy.
And he intends to climb even higher, even further toward the throne—at the very least, the Crown, Otto thinks.
He resolves in that moment to not allow him anywhere near you during the ball. He does not deserve you.
He leans forward. “And you have not?”
You look at him. “No, I don’t think I have.”
He frowns, watching you go back to facing the window. “You think what, then? That finding a husband of preference will be the measure of your success? The metric by which you determine how meaningful your life is?”
You would be surprised to hear him think otherwise. He is not forward-thinking enough to see a woman as being capable of making her own way, surely.
You meet his eyes. “You do not?”
He chews the inside of his cheek, thinking how best to word the things he next says. “I think that you are far brighter than you give yourself credit for. I was always aware of how you were coming along in your studies. Studies which you never faltered in endeavoring to perfect your skills in. Reading, writing, sewing, instruments, dancing—”
“Yes, because perfecting the waltz is something of any importance.”
“What, then? Children?”
You fight against a snort. You wonder if this you can trust him with. Something no woman—none of your position, anyway—is meant to admit to. You do not look at him when you finally reply.
“I do not…desire them. I have never felt an innate need to have them. I believe that—if given the opportunity—I would be perfectly content to instead live my life at my husband’s side without ever having bore any. But, in the end, it will not be my choice: whether I do or no. Whatever the man who takes me to wife wants, he shall get. That will be my lot in life. A vessel to be used at his disposal, and tossed aside when he is done with me. When I am old and grey and no longer… Well, no longer.”
You both remain quiet, only the sound of horses whinnying and wooden wheels rolling over cobblestone breaking the silence.
You continue. “And no man would ever take such a woman to wife. So, yes, I perfected my lessons. So I might be a pretty doll, who smiles and laughs and says all the right things so some lord or knight or other, may pluck me from my shelf one day and call me his property. While I wither away inside, forgetting who I am as I become, instead, whatever he wants me to be. A man chosen by other men in my life, who think they know what is best for me, without ever asking me what I may want; think.”
Otto finally speaks, his voice low, entirely serious. “And if you found a husband who also wants the same as you—who no longer—” He cuts himself short, beginning again. “Rather, does not desire children himself, and would rather treat you as his equal, because he sees you for exactly who you are?”
You look at him, expression unreadable, even if your heart pounds at what you think—rather, desperately hope—he is implying. “Then I think he should ask me for my hand.”
You look back to the window, the Red Keep coming into sight. “Before another does.”
You emerge from your chambers, ready to vomit all over the floor at the thought of someone asking you to dance. And then there is the fact that you will be announced when you enter the room, drawing all eyes in your direction.
You fidget nervously with your pearls—a newly-formed habit, as of today—not even paying attention to where you are going as you slam into another’s solid body.
You look up then, ready to begin apologizing profusely, until you fill with relief, seeing it is only Otto. You then press your forehead to his chest and groan in frustration.
He lets out a low chuckle, hands coming to rest against your back. “We share similar sentiments.”
You pull yourself closer, pressing your cheek against him then, wrapping your arms around his lean frame. “I do not wish to.”
His left hand comes to cup the back of your neck. “Nor do I. But, I am afraid, what you and I wish for today is of little consequence.”
You pull away, looking up to him then. “I would rather be dining with you in your chambers. Grating on your last nerve.”
His lip twitches and he reaches up, tucking a stray curl behind your ear. “One in the same, as always.”
You cling tightly to his arm—even more-so than this afternoon—as the two of you approach that large set of double-doors, which are already open, guests wandering inside the Throne Room for the feast, and then, eventually, dancing.
You wear a dark gray gown tonight—the skirt made of tulle, which sparkles against the lit torches and braziers lining the walls. The bodice melds to your body, the sleeves long and loose, tight cuffs keeping them in-place around your wrists. You wear, once again, a comfortable pair of slippers. Your hair is down and full, a single ribbon tied in the back, holding a few meddlesome strands out of your face. On your fingers, a couple small rings, and around your neck—Otto’s pearls.
You glance up to him, thinking he looks very handsome tonight. He wears a midnight-black cloak, the neckline high and lined thinly with fur. His tunic is emerald green and the stitching is impeccable. His dark trousers perfectly fitting for his long legs, his boots polished, and his Hand of the King pin gleaming.
“You look quite dashing tonight,” you say, pressing your cheek to his arm.
He looks to you with a smirk at the compliment. “I do not believe anyone has referred to me as such in over a decade.”
He then looks down to you, your wide eyes staring up at him. “You look beautiful.”
“The Hand of the King, Ser Otto Hightower, and accompanying him, the Lady Y/N Targaryen,” cries the page from the doorway.
You want nothing more in all the world than to hide behind Otto, but you instead keep your chin held high, your arm casually draped over his, and a healthy distance of a few inches between the two of you as you walk between long trestle tables toward the high table at the front of the room, where the King, your father, is already seated. He watches the two of you with curious eyes, taking note of the new pearl necklace that you fidget with.
Otto pulls out a chair two seats down from your father and you sit, him pushing you in. He glances across the hall to a familiar knight—staring daggers in his direction—as his fingers brush along your shoulders.
He then seats himself between you and Viserys, immediately engaging in conversation with the King, as his right hand, surprisingly, comes to rest gently atop your left knee beneath the table.
You flush, taking it between both of your own, lightly kneading your thumbs against the back of it, so as to keep yourself occupied from the lords and ladies of the Realm staring at those seated at the front of the room.
Eventually, once the hall is filled, and it seems all are present, Viserys stands, ready to make a brief speech.
Otto leans back in his chair, his hand still between both of yours, until your fingers still and you decide to try something perhaps…foolish. Mayhaps even juvenile.
You twine your slender fingers between his own and his face remains impassive as he curls his around your hand in return.
Your eyes sting with happy tears as you focus on the feel of your hand in his, instead of the words your father speaks to the awaiting crowd.
Your hand shakes as you spear a cooked vegetable with your fork, nervously glancing at the chattering crowd before you, searching to see if anyone is watching as you take a small bite.
You swallow, stomach tied into knots, setting your fork down, deciding you will simply have to eat again tomorrow morning. Here and now is not the ideal time.
Otto leans toward you. “Just look at me,” he says quietly.
You turn your gaze to him. “What?”
He nods toward your plate. “Eat, but do not look at them. Only at me.”
You reach for your fork again, stabbing at a piece of chicken and looking at Otto as you take another bite, swallowing.
He nods. “Good.”
You do it again, each bite easier to handle as your eyes refuse to leave him.
You are filled with relief once the servants clear the room of the dinner that had been served, leaving only berries and fruit and cheeses and slices of bread for people to idly dine upon as they dance.
Rhaenyra is made the center of attention for tonight—suitor after suitor vying to be her next dance partner, while you sit silently, content to watch. But as you do, it does fill you with a sense of longing, if not forlornness.
You look down to your hands in your lap—Otto now across the room speaking with his brother and good-sister—wondering what sort of match will eventually be made for you. What he might be like. If he will, at the very least, be kind to you.
Or if he will keep you at arm’s length—will take a mistress right in front of you, which you are forced to share your household with—while you grow to feel more alone than ever. You do not know if you can bear such a fate. If you would even bother trying.
Otto glances over to you, watching as you nervously tuck a lock of hair behind your ear before fidgeting with your necklace, clearly lost-in-thought. He doesn’t like the distant look in your eyes, the way your brows furrow, as if you are being asked a question you cannot find the answer to.
He then looks across the room and fills with loathing when he spots Ser Hugh, who clearly has his sights set on you. He begins to head in your direction and Otto suddenly steps away from Hobert then, without so much as excusing himself as he tries to make his way back to you, forcing himself through throngs of people, even pushing a few aside carelessly, his shoulder bumping into another’s—he knows he must seem the image of discourtesy right now—as he finally reaches the high table, Ser Hugh only a few feet away and pausing in his steps as Otto leans down toward you, offering you his hand.
“Come with me,” he says quietly.
You blink up at him, torn from dark thoughts of wasting away in a castle somewhere, your sanity slowly slipping as you lose pieces of yourself day-by-day as all sense of joy and safety leave you.
“Where?” You ask, wondering if, perhaps, he is going to escort the two of you back upstairs finally.
You would be completely content with that; sitting silently with him, perhaps draped in one of his soft robes as he lies his head in your lap—you are sure he must have a headache by now from all the excitement today has held—and the two of you converse quietly in his private quarters.
“You shall have to join me to find out.”
You slide your hand into his then, and hold securely to him as he weaves his way deftly through the crowded room, both of you slipping away with hardly being noticed.
“Why are we in the Godswood?”
The music from inside is loud enough that it carries through the walls even to out here.
Otto pulls you close, unable to even recall the last time he’d done this. In truth, it was one of the benefits of growing older—no longer being expected to partake in such foolish customs. But, if it will make you happy—he had seen the way you had watched Rhaenyra with her many dance partners, with a look of yearning—he will do it again. This one last time.
“Dance with me,” he whispers.
You stare up at him, blinking and in disbelief. Dance. He wants to dance? You then wonder if he even still recalls how. You find it difficult to imagine him ever sweeping across a ballroom floor with a woman in his arms.
“I—”
He takes your right hand into his left, then positions your own atop his tall shoulder while he settles his right against the small of your back.
He steps forward and you step back, following his lead. He does so again and again, moving the two of you across the soft grass of the Godswood, only the moon and stars bearing witness to this intimate moment.
He then extends his arm, you stepping outward, then pulling you back to him, holding you close as he gently dips you, then slides his fingers into your hair, holding your gaze to his as he takes you back in the other direction, gently turning the two of you as he continues your shared waltz.
You smile up at him, tears of joy shimmering in your eyes as he then twirls you around, then pulling your chest back against his own.
“You’re quite good at this,” you say, breathless.
He smiles softly down at you. “And you, My Lady, shall be the last I take in my arms like this.”
He presses his lips to your forehead then and your eyes flutter closed, tears slipping down your flushed cheeks as you continue to move across the yard.
Finally, the music slows and then quiets, leaving your heart pounding, soft breaths escaping your lips, his own now close to yours as he leans down to you.
Please.
His fingers tangle in your hair once again, his body pressed to yours, and your eyes unfocus as you wait, anticipating, hoping.
Praying. For him.
“The hour is late.”
Your heart shatters.
You stare up at him then, feeling heartbroken. Stupid girl. Always so stupid. You were young enough to be his daughter. Of course that was why he had done it. Why he has done…everything he has. Whatever this is—it is clear now, that he sees it as some sort of surrogate relationship. You, a young, hopeless girl, and him a man who has tried to help guide you back to…health? You do not know now.
In what world would he ever feel…that. And for you, of all people.
No. You will never have that. Best to accept it now. You should’ve done so long, long ago.
You step away from him then, staying silent.
“I will escort you back to your room.”
You shake your head. “There is no need. You should rejoin your brother. I will do just as well on my own. I bid you goodnight, Ser Otto.”
You turn to leave then and his face falls at you addressing him by title now. Not that he does not have himself to blame for it.
“Y/N—”
“I am tired. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening with your family, Ser.”
He watches you go, not speaking another word.
It takes everything you have to keep yourself together as you all but race back to your room. And once you are closed inside—the door locked behind you—you fall to the floor and break.
You lean forward, pressing your forehead to the floor as you sob. You had loved your birth-mother and she had died. And then Aemma, and she, too, was now gone.
Everyone leaves.
You have tried to connect with your father, but it has always been well and obvious that Rhaenyra is favored by him. And with Rhaenyra, Alicent might as well be her sister instead.
You had convinced yourself that you were contented with being alone—you had even done an experiment shortly after Aemma’s passing, when grief had overtaken every facet of you: you’d not spoken for a day. You had wished to see if anyone would notice, would bother speaking to you instead.
Not a soul had.
After that, you had decided to lock your true self away from all others. You would be polite. Would do as expected. Be whoever you needed be for anyone that you were in the company of. But you would no longer open up. Would no longer even think to share yourself with any of them. Because you finally knew the horrible truth: no one cared.
Not about you.
But then Otto had come to you—made amends. He had looked after you. Had ensured your health, your safety, even your happiness. You…you had shared a bed together. Not in that way, perhaps, but you had. Thrice. And it had meant such a great deal to you. He had begun to.
And now you see. See that you have made a grave mistake. You should’ve let things persist as they had. If only you had refused to let him in, you would not be drowning in tears now.
After you have exhausted yourself, you fall asleep like that—lying on the floor; utterly empty, knowing you are back to the way you had been somewhere over a month ago: completely alone.
The way you should have remained.
Otto sits in his chambers with his head in his hands, wondering if he should not go to you.
The way you had looked at him as you danced, smiling at him, tears of happiness in your lovely eyes… In that moment he knew that he had finally done it: made you his. So, he had pressed his lips to your forehead, knowing he felt the same.
But as you waited with bated breaths for him to kiss you… He had finally snapped out of whatever delusion he has been living in for weeks on-end and realized that this can not be.
His late Lady Wife would be his last. That was what was right—proper. He would not dishonor her memory.
It was not just your age, but also your social standing—your circumstances of birth—which had prevented him from taking things further. Not that it would have been seemly to do so in general.
Or, those are the excuses he feeds himself, anyway.
He does not much care what others say or may think of him, but he has a reputation to maintain. Carrying on with a bastard-born girl, come from a whore from Flea Bottom—he cannot stomach the thought.
But as he sits there, picturing you with another man—him never to see you again as your fears of wasting away come to life…that is what truly fills him with revulsion.
He does not find sleep this night.
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