#do i have adhd or am i just giving myself excuses for being slow

[moonlit-orchid]

Sitting here wishing my ADHD was more severe just so people could realise I actually have a problem-

[cluz1babe]

EDITED : 04 August, 2024

‘Open My Eyes to Everything that Closes My Heart’

(Limited use of Y/N) Canon-Divergent

Main Pairing : Aemond x You

Bonus Chapters/Blurbs/Drabbles Pairings : Aegon x You , Daemon x You x Aemond , Aemond x You

PLOT :

You were a Belaerys, with the Blood of Old Valyria in your veins, future Queen of Sothoryos. Up until eight years before the Dance of Dragons, everyone thought the Belaerys family was gone after the Doom. You were well-respected by everyone except most of the greens. Despite that, you were officially given a seat on the new High Council. The Hand, Otto Hightower, was trying to bring more countries to their aid, but his excuse was to bring peace between countries. Planning to wed you to Daeron, the Small Council of the Greens are shocked when Aemond refuses to offer you Daeron in order to take you for himself.

TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 129-133+ AC (a mix of show & book timeline & canon, plus my own)

THIS IS A REPRESENTATION OF YOUR RIDING CLOTHES

It will not have the AFAB reader (she/her) referred to as “Y/N” often.

Spoilers if you have not seen season I or II of House of the Dragon or read the book(s) or ASOIAF Wiki.

Notes & Trigger Warnings under the cut.

NOTES

Thank you for reading!

Season 2 Spoilers starting in Chapter Six

I am 90% sure I am neurodivergent because I miss a lot of social cues, among 9/10 other things that can diagnose someone as ND and I take ADHD meds to keep me awake during the day (thanks to narcoleptic tendencies). I just don’t have the money to get tested as an adult. If my writing seems stiff, please lmk. I’d really like to know what you think about this story. Lmk if there is something about the story that I didn’t explain well enough or forgot something. I will answer all questions. Just be gentle with criticism, please.

Guys, reader is very Alys-coded, but I didn’t even know about Alys Rivers until I practically finished writing. I leaned in, but I barely needed to add anything Alys related. I have not yet read the book completely, I just did a lot of show watching and reading of ASoIaF Wiki.

Any time you see a picture of a dragon I made, please note the website doesn’t actually have dragons, so I had to make dinosaurs with bird wings. 😢 Sorry, but it’s very sad for me.

Things are very slow and don’t only take place within two years for certain plot things to work. It starts before the death of Viserys.

I try to make as many visuals as possible, as I’m that type of person. I know Sothoryos is inspired by Africa via George, but I am Hispanic (Aztec ancestry) and wanted to give it a hispanic flair. Some of the Islands and cities are made up names, but others are named Nahuatl things.

I do not speak Nahuatl or High Valyrian (well), but I did look up words for things from multiple sources.

Very Canon-Divergent, mostly because I don’t want the dragons to die. Mix of book and show canon as well as being canon-divergent. I’m changing Aemond’s characterization a little bit, but partially with a reason : he finds his match in all things. NOTE : You cannot fix any person. They need to fix themselves. I have re-read 50 times, so I’m sorry if I messed up somewhere, but I tried.

My husband is my current beta reader & co-writer.

I’m going to try my hardest not to specify reader’s color, but I kind of imagine myself (obviously) and I might accidentally write something referring to lighter skin. If I do something like that, please lmk. I don’t want to exclude anyone.

BACK TO SERIES MASTERLIST

TRIGGER WARNINGS

Talk of Abortion, Emotionally Abusive Relationships (Aegon x Everyone), Alcohol, Blood, Blowjob, Branding, Bullying, Childbirth, Mentions of Rape (no rape of reader) , Death, Drugs, Fire, Hallucinations, Incest, Marriage, Misogyny, Pregnancy, Profanity, Sexism, Slut Shaming, Smut, Violence, War, P in V, Sex, Fingering, No Cheating, MDNI, 18+ , ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy), Slight Breeding Kink, Dub-Con (in the Aegon Bonus Chapter) if you squint

[blorbologist]

do you think canon Percy is neurodivergent / on the spectrum? I personally hc him as such but what is your opinion on this subject? what are things that stand out to you?

Hi anon!

I do as well! Full disclaimer: I am autistic, my brother is autistic and has ADHD, and our father is probably on the spectrum as well but in vehement denial. However, I got Very Good at masking, to the point I rarely unmask and spend all my energy dealing with Social Bullshit, while my brother is... idk, super charismatic in social settings, somehow, but a nightmare with Tasks and Sensory Hell. So I usually project autism onto characters given my lived experience, but can 100% see how he has ADHD vibes as well! I think neurodivergent rep is very important, and it's great that we can see ourselves in these characters <3

I will repeat this a lot, but Percy has also undergone a fuckton of trauma. A lot of his traits that remind me of myself could be due to PTSD. His panic attacks, for instance, are things I'd slot more with PTSD, personally. You can read his character different ways (I read him as having both), and that's good on you. However, I am autistic and I like projecting My Me onto the blorbo so that's what you get.

A couple of things stand out to me:

The whole Feywild thing reminds me of a special interest. Less so in the campaign, but given how they play it up in TLOVM I really suspect it's the case. Clockmaking also seems like the sort of very specific, detailed work that'd make my brain go brrr if it was my thing, so? Is that anything?

A lot of how he is described (by himself or by Tal) pre-Briarwoods could align with a little introvert noble with no social skills and a whole fuckton of arrogance, but it also aligns nicely with an autistic kid.

Just. how many times Cass has to imply 'percy I can't handle Whitestone alone' before he gets the memo. is insane. it's either 'his autistic ass isn't getting what she's trying to say' or 'percy stop being a dick and help your sister out you KNOW what she's asking'. either way works for me! But I'd like to hope he's not intentionally shoving responsibility on his little sister and use that as an excuse.

We don't know if he had issues being touched prior to being tortured ("We didn't touch in my family"), and the trauma of what Ripley did to him could 110% account for that! But I like to slot it away into my 'on the spectrum' vibes box.

Layers. Layers. Layers! Again, another potential covariate with the fact he's a poncy noble, and has a vested interest in hiding his scars, but I am Particular about what touches my skin at a given time. I like long sleeves and pants and gloves because then it's always the same sensory things on me and not changing.

Just how slow he is to court Vex. Because maybe he's reading the social cues wrong, and he has to be Obvious about his interest too, and becomes a fancy bird giving gifts because that's the best way he can think of supporting her and expressing interest while figuring out whatever the fuck this Attraction thing is.

Perhaps just a Tal thing (I see it with Ashton too, or I did when going over the Laudna n Ashton convo with a fine toothed comb the other day), but how much he fidgets when talking. Constantly moving.

His entire friendship with Keyleth is very autism vibes. Could purely be coming form her, or shared, who knows! (I am a huge supporter of autistic Keyleth, here n there I'll sneak in a line about her stimming <3)

Might just be a Me thing, but how he turns to Vex when he's feeling big emotions and doesn't trust himself to handle them. What the fuck are these, I think this impulse to lash out at Scanlan is probably bad, dear please keep me from doing anything stupid.

Also it's very funny for me to do the 'me and the bad bitch I pulled being autistic' meme with him and Vex ngkntrjnhrt

[fuckyeahhiccannamonth]

HELLO HICCANNA NATION

So ah. As you can see, I am. A bit behind on reblogs.

What is my excuse, you ask??? Did you make an event and then fall behind on your OWN EVENT??? Did you know you are going to fail at being a Hiccanna month administrator, tumblr user fuckyeahhiccannamonth, something that is both fair to fear and possible to achieve????

So, in no particular order, here are my three very flimsy reasons I will give when sternly asked why I am So Very Behind on my own event:

I spent a whole-ass month-long event working on Week 1 prompts. Y'know. Like a terrible planner?

I fell victim to a terminal case of Brain No Worky. I wish I knew why! My neurodivergent brain simply went "time to do prompts extremely slow!" and despite all my protests of how I Did Not Want To Do That, it was to no avail. Brain No Worky is a very serious condition, you see. I do, however, feel like this is in keeping with the spirit of a ship that is so insanely and ragingly ND4ND. Like this is something that could and would happen to both Hiccup and Anna and I have to respect that.

IT TOO DAMN HOT OUTSIDE. Climate change my beloathed. I get home from work and collapse onto my bed with the AC on and there goes like an hour or two. I've been running on like 60% battery since the stupid heat dome got here. I also work outside, which!!! Does not help!!! Call me an astrology bitch the way I blame the stars for my problems (or one star in particular. Hey sun can you tone it down a notch. Please)

SO. Because I acknowledge this is mostly my fault (although a solid amount of blame falls on oil executives, my natural brain chemistry since birth, and celestial bodies), I'm determined to make it up to y'all. Since many of you have not yet gotten the adoring comments you deserve on your submissions, we're going to pretend that Hiccanna month is on a month-long time loop!!! That's right--y'all now have until the end of August to get in any prompts you didn't get to, or wanted to expand on!!! In return, I will reblog all of your lovely submissions by the end of August, or be extremely Cringefail.

I myself will probably not get in any more submissions than what I originally had planned (which is still a few more, don't worry!) because I'll be busy with another writing event in August. BUT I will still do my very best to look at and reblog all of your lovely submissions as they come in <3 <3 <3

Happy Hiccanna Month Part 2: Electric Boogaloo!!! Y'all have done so great so far, and I'd honestly be content if we capped off at what we already have :3 But I'll give y'all some extra time because you deserve it <3 Reblogs are coming your way very soon!!! Just remember to tag any new posts with #hiccannamonth23 or #hiccannamonth2023, and @ this blog for any new submissions :3

Your extremely ADHD event planner, fuckyeahhiccannamonth

[erotomanicpixiedreamgirl]

can I ask you about high functioning schizophrenia? How does it affect your cognition and stuff, can you give an example? I had a lot of experiences as a kid/teen that I would call delusions now, I never told anyone about them and “resolved” them by myself after intense research and escaping my home situation. But I’m still very disconnected from everyone else, my mind doesn’t work the same way, I come off as eccentric/creative/reserved at best and creepy/laughable at worst. When I’m more isolated than usual, the warped sense of reality kind of tiptoes back into my mind. But it’s so stigmatized and treated like a “special” thing that I can’t take it seriously, I don’t feel like I have the right to identify as “high functioning” nor “schizophrenic.” And it would feel like a betrayal to take medication/work on suppressing the “more creative” side of my mind… It resonated really strongly when you said it’s like being a double agent. Thank you for talking about it! (I don’t mean to make you diagnose me, really just venting, it’s ok to just answer my question and leave it at that haha)

cognitively it can affect memory, attention, and your overall comprehension of new concepts and ideas. a lot of the times though the severity of this differs from day to day as does the negative symptoms (anhedonia, alogia….). i feel like depending on the day i can appear and feel slow on the uptake and give that impression. my dyscalculia (which btw schizophrenia is said to be comorbid with learning difficulties) gets worse. on another day give the opposite impression. and i can’t give an excuse like “oh it’s just my ADHD xD” i just have to take whatever is thrown at me. i can barely hold down doing school full time nor can i hold down a full time job. i’m scared to drive most of the time. a lot of people take this as me being lazy. sometimes i believe them.

i’m glad you can empathize with the “double agent” thing. but. i really am not sure how relatable my response will be to to you—bc this is what i actually meant. schizophrenia never gave me sparks of creativity or passion—that came way before it. it just gave me paranoia and fear. it completely changed my personality. i complain about seroquel a lot but i thank God for medication because i am much happier now and feel like my brain is actually healing from the years of untreated psychosis that did irreparable damage.

[glitterdustcyclops]

speaking of "bunch of queer misfits find family and belonging with one another" i was re-reading one of my many (many many) WIPS last night and i have poured both my heart and soul and literal years of faffing about with this particular story, and going back to it last night i surprisingly didn't hate most of it

it's about a girl named Cat, perpetual ADHD/Anxiety Ridden Disaster Machine, and how she just-friends her way into falling head-over-heels in love with the cool, mysterious Punk Baker she literally runs into, Quinn

they're both ridiculous and i love them with all my heart

anyway, here's the first chapter, in an effort to put more of my writing on tumblr

I always thought the moment my entire life changed would be more significant. That there would be some kind of ominous portent or some sign from the Universe. Even just some suitably dramatic background music at the very least. You’d think Fate would have the decency to give a girl a head’s up.

But no.

It started like any other morning. Running late, sleep deprived, and in desperate need of caffeine. That was my excuse. I mean, I was barely a functioning human being at 9 in the morning, how could I have been expected to do something ridiculous like pay attention to my surroundings? To notice the black-and-white person-shape strolling out of the propped-open door of Haven—my absolute favorite coffee dispensary—at the same time I was barreling in, my headphones firmly on and blasting Queen.

I swear, time actually slowed down as we collided. She practically skidded to a stop, her mouth dropping open on a gasp I couldn’t hear while I probably squakwed like a damn parrot, a gloriously dramatic cascade of hot latte raining down on us both while the empy paper cup thudded to the concrete.

“The fuck—” I yanked down my headphones, so very ready to take this already shitty morning out on someone else when—

Oh fuck, she’s cute.

Of course that’s what my brain decided to notice first. She was taller than me, especially in her stompy black punk boots, and her hair was almost silvery-white, her eyes like unfairly blue. She had a cute sort of pixie-ish face, tan skin and a silver eyebrow ring glinting at the corner of her neatly manicured black brows.

And she stood in the doorway with her very crisp, very tight white v-neck absolutely ruined by a giant coffee stain running right down the middle.

“Oh jesus I’m so sorry!” I basically shouted at her, like a completely normal functioning person would, flapping a hand awkwardly at her torso. “Your shirt!”

Oh yeah, good plan self. Let’s just go ahead and draw attention to the fact that we were staring resolutely at her chest, where the thin material of her shirt had gone very transparent, clinging to her skin and letting the pale blue lacy material of her bra peek through.

“Hmm?” She glanced down as I averted my eyes in just the smoothest way. “Ah, well, I guess we’re even then.”

I looked down at myself. My favorite faded blue Doctor Who shirt was a bit sticky, but since I was the one who had knocked myself into her, I’d mostly managed to get my arm, a light sprinkle on the thighs of my jeans.

And of course I found the soft little chuckle she gave me then utterly adorable too. There was just this smoky hint of an accent in her slightly-raspy voice and it sent a weird tingle down my spine. Because I was fucking hopeless.

“No no no, my bad, sorry! I wasn’t looking, God, I’m such an idiot.”

“Hey, relax. It’s just coffee.” She gave me a very casual shrug of her bony shoulder, and there was a wry sort of quirk to the corners of her lips.

“Here, uh, l-let me, uh, let me buy you a new one? To make up for it?”

“You don’t have to.”

“N-no, no I don’t mind, please. Shit I am so so sorry I wasn’t paying attention, I never pay attention, I can’t believe—” Great. Now I was spiraling.

“Really dude, it’s fine,” she said, sounding, well, at least not annoyed with me. Not yet. “I’m Quinn by the way.”

“Oh uh, uh Cat. I’m Cat.” I waved at myself like a complete moron.

“Pleasure to meet you, Cat.” There was another quirk of her lips that edged more towards a smirk, a glimmer of something slightly wicked in her blue eyes. I kind of liked it.

“You…too?”

“Leat’s go inside, yeah? Get cleaned up at least.”

So I followed her into the café, just barely managing to stop myself from compulsively apologizing again as I did. The interior of Haven Coffee was mostly quiet, somehwere in that weird bubble after the morning rush but before the lunch one. Always one of my favorite times here. There was this dreamy sort of quality that settled over the floor-to-ceiling wooden shelves and the stark black-and-white check tile floor. The sound of some vintage record drifted across the empty interior, the large stone hearth in the corner and the matching set of forest green velvet armchairs arranged invitingly in front of it, a cozy little nook blessedly unoccoupied, like it was waiting for me.

Haven lived up to its name, a safe little pocket dimension of warmth and old books and records and really damn good coffee. And it just so happened to be the employer of my two very best friends in the whole wide world who were also my roommates, Ginger and Greg.

“Oh, g’morning Kit Kat!” Ginger said brightly, only half paying attention as she rearranged something on the counter, before she finally looked up and then saw the strangest thing she’d probably ever seen me do (which was saying a lot, really): walk into Haven with a stranger, both of us lightly doused with coffee.

At least Greg wasn’t out here this morning so I didn’t have to deal with him judging all of my life choices with a single look the way Ginger so very obviously was.

“Oh jeez, what happened.”

Audrey “Ginger” Parker had been assigned into my life by the whims of the Greendale University Student Housing Department, and I was ever thankful for it. She was basically if a pumpkin spice latte was a person, with her wild Merida mane of ginger curls and a constellation of freckles dusted liberally across her skin like cinnamon sprinkles. She could be obnoxious and pushy sometimes but she was also a total goofball and one of the least judgemental people I’d ever met. Which was a good thing for her, surrounded as she was by a bunch of dramatic artsy queers.

She was my token Straight Best Friend, and I loved her dearly. Usually.

Right now, standing next to a hot punk rock chick I’d practically assaulted and Ginger staring at me all wide-eyed and concerned I was questioning a lot of things.

“Oh, just a small accident,” Quinn was explaining with that stupid edge of a smirk to her mouth. Why is that attractive?

“Oh no! I’ll get someone to clean that up, and I can get you another vanilla latte of course,” Ginj replied, all warm smiles and Customer Service Voice.

“Yes please, and whatever she wants.”

Ginger glanced between the two of us with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged back in my customary twitchy manner—and hey, wasn’t I supposed to be buying her coffee? But of course, I wasn’t nearly socially adept enough to say anything about it, consumed as I was with wishing that my too too solid flesh would melt right through the polished tile floor.

“Alright!” Ginger said in an almost gratingly perky voice. “One large vanilla latte and one Kitty-Cat special, comin’ right up! That’ll be $4.35 please.”

I shambled over to the other side of the counter to wait for our drinks while Quinn finished paying, Ginger and her making casual small talk in that way I could never quite grasp. Instead I grabbed a handful of napkins and started dabbing ineffectively at my jeans. It was an excuse to look down at my feet and not make eye contact with anyone else, and I took those where I could get hem.

“Come here often?” Quinn asked me with slightly more than a hint of a smirk as she came over to join me, grabbing her own handful of napkins and making a valiant attempt to blot the stain from her shirt.

“Uh, somethin’ like that. I, er, Ginj is my roommate. We live thataways.” I gestured randomly with my other hand without looking up, deeply aware that it probably made me come off as even more of a twitchy weirdo but utterly unable to stop myself.

“Convenient.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

And just like that our feeble attempt at conversation bled out and died on the checkerboard floor below us. I was about to start praying for a god to smite me out of pity when Ginj finally finished our drinks, handing over the cups with a cheeky little wink as I glared daggers back at her.

She was so getting a bunch of trash shoved into her bed later.

“So, stay and chat?” Quinn indicated the cozy little nook with the fireplace and chairs in the corner—my spot, my favorite spot, and how the fuck did she know that anyway—and for a brief second the fantasy flashed before my eyes. The two of us, sitting there together, talking and laughing, getting to know each other.

But of course this was me we were talking about so it would mostly be like: awkward silence while avoiding eye contact and then eventually slinking away, trying to apologize for my general failure at existing without having to actually say anything.

And more importantly, after seeing what a stunning conversationalist I was for like the two minutes it took to order our drinks why would anyone I didn’t already live with voluntarily subject themselves to more of me. It just didn’t add up.

And oh fuck, she was still standing there looking at me expectantly and I hadn’t replied. Because of course this was my life, God, why didn’t I say anything? Say something you idiot, oh God this is it, this was somehow the most awkward situation I had ever been in, pack it up boys we’ve done it—and then suddenly I remembered I had an out, and I’d never been so grateful to already be late for a 9 AM opening shift in my entire life.

“C-cant, sorry! I uh, late for work. Butthanksforthecoffeebye!”

And with that eloquent little display I turned and swiftly walked out the door, another flappy wave to Ginj as I went. Once I was safely deposited onto the concrete outside I fucking ran for it, straight booking it out of there like I was being actively chased by dinosaurs.

Briefly I contemplated Forest Gumping my way past all of my problems and not stopping until I ended up on a different coast. But I quickly got winded—it wasn’t like I was renowned for my athleticism or anything—and I needed to pay my rent. Ginj would find me somehow, if I skipped town, and then she would be forced to kill me. And I couldn’t do that to my best friend.

I slowed down to somewhat of an amble, trying very hard not to barrel into any more cute tattooed hipsters as I did. Suddenly I realized I was still holding my drink (the Kit Kat Special is basically hot chocolate with a double shot of espresso doused liberally in caramel sauce and then topped with a mound of whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles, because I liked to consume my coffee like a five year old would) and it made me feel weirdly guilty so I quickly tossed the whole thing in a nearby trash can as I walked down the street to my job.

The Dragon’s Keep happened to both be my absolute favorite retail establishment and also my employer. Situated rather conveniently a four buildings down from Haven, it specialized in board games and board game accessories; a local institution for nearly a decade.

You know when you find a place and it just feels like you’re coming home? Like you walk in and something about it, something in the air just makes you feel like you belong there? That was the Keep for me. Greg—who’d been my very bestest friend since the 7th grade and still somehow decided to live with me anyway—and I had wandered in one day when we were Freshmen in college. He’d heard about it from a guy in one of his English classes; apparently if we were interested in tabletop RPGS it was the best place to go, and we were, so one weekend we made the trek together and then we basically never left.

Eventually Paulie—Chief Nerd and intrepid proprietor of The Dragon’s Keep—decided that if I was gonna be there all the time anyway he might as well pay me for it, so now I got to sell board games and such for a living. It was a pretty sweet gig even on its worst days. My dysfunctional little nerd family away from home, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I wrenched open the door to the familiar chimes tinkling away above my head and the sounds of a Warhammer model painting tutorial playing on the TV, mixed with the dulcet tones of a raging nerd debate going on right in the middle of the store. Ah, home.

Paulie stood behind the register with his bushy braided Viking beard and his way-too-muscular-for-a-middle-aged-nerd-arms, covered in tattoos and crossed across his broad expanse of chest, all stoically imposing even in cargo shorts and a Star Wars t-shirt. Meanwhile Steven was over by the roleplaying bookshelves half-heartedly dusting, and the two of them were shouting about what sounded like the merits of various Barbarian builds. Because of course they were.

“You’re late,” Paulie interrupted Steven’s rant with his normal booming voice; he sounded angry, but the trick was that Paulie always sounded angry. I knew him far too well to believe it. He had that ever-present twinkle in his blue-gray eyes, so I couldn’t really be in trouble.

And anyway, if he was going to fire me for my appalling lack of time management skills he would’ve done it a long long time ago.

“Guys I’m gonna die alone,” I said instead as I trudged insde to lean against the opposite side of the counter across from Paulie.

“Uh-oh.” He shot Steve a look.

“What happened?”

“Oh, you know, just ran into this super cute girl at Haven. Literally.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.” I took a twisted sort of pleasure in confessing my crimes, like I could purge the embarrassment from my stomach by talking about it. “I knocked her coffee into her, fucking latte raining down from the heavens on us both, and then I perved on her chest, and then she bought me coffee while I forgot how human conversation works, and then I finally ran outta there like my hair was on fire.”

“Oh no, Cat,” Steven repeated in a delightful mixture of horror and amusement, and I could practiaclly hear Paulie’s wince.

“It was literally the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone in the history of forever and I want to actually die!”

“Yeesh kid.” That was Paulie’s attempt at sympathy. But at least he tried.

I just moaned in misery, burrying my head into my arms crossed on the counter while Paulie offered me a half-hearted shoulder pat.

“We have got to get you like a wingman or something dude,” Steven said.

“It wouldn’t help,” I muttered at the counter. I was definitely gettling like, face prints all over the glass. Someone was gonna have to wipe that down later. “I’m utterly hopeless, a 100% Certified Lesbian Disaster doomed to die alone in an apartment with like, eighty cats. I’m gonna be that lady. No one will find my body for weeks because all the stupid cats will have eaten me.”

“Morbid Cat!” Paulie gave me a horrified laugh.

“But you gotta admit,” Steve replied, “pretty ironic.”

I couldn’t see his face but I just knew he was giving me one of his stupid little goofy grins he liked to use when he knew he’d made a particularly horrible joke, because Steven was a bad person and I hated him.

“Oh shut up!” I pretended to snap at him in offence.

“Hey, you know what’ll really take your mind off of your romantic failures kiddo?” Paulie asked then, his voice entirely too cheery for the present situation.

“What boss?” I replied reluctantly, looking up and resting my chin on my hand.

“Selling board games of course!” He laughed his stupid bellowing Viking laugh and I rolled my eyes.

“Ugh. Can’t I take a personal day on account a’ all my trauma?”

“Nope, there’s orders to be filled in the back! Go, go.”

And then I was unceremoniously ushered away to the back office, whining the entire short trip around the counter and through the doorway there. I couldn’t help but smile just a bit, once I was out of sight. Paulie tried to project this air of a Gruff No-Nonsense Army Guy, but he was totally just a big ol’ softie under all those layers of nerdy t-shirt and muscle. He cared, about everyone, deeply, and he always had, had cared about me right from the first day I started working here.

The other boys did too; Steven, Walt, Ryan, even Jake, our newest minion. I kind of loved them, even if I would never admit that fact, even on pain of death. Working at The Keep was like working with a bunch of annoying older brothers. Comforting in its familiarity, that way.

I think, as far as first jobs went, I had gotten pretty lucky. It had its days, as all jobs did, but if I had to sell my soul to the institution of Capitalism I was glad to do it in a place that let me wear jeans and curse while I gently bullied a group of hopeless straight boys.

The rest of my workday passed as they often did. There were stretches of tedious nonsense (receiving and logging new inventory should’ve been listed in the Geneva Conventions as literal war crime, as far as I was concerned) mixed with moments of goofy nonsense and nerdy conversations and amusing interactions with our deeply weird customer base, all of it orchestrated to the background noise of board game demos and other related YouTube content playing on our video feed. Sure, it wasn’t exactly life-changing work, but I got to introduce a cute young couple to a few of my favorite two-player games and one of our regulars brought us cupcakes, and that’s a good day in my books.

I got home aorund 5-ish to Greg cooking dinner and Ginj drawing on her iPad at the kitchen table, anime playing on the TV. Whatever Greg was making smelled deliciously garlicky and my stomach rumbled in response. God I loved that he cooked. I mean, the fact that his favorite hobby was looking up fancy recipes from the internet and then trying to make them wasn’t neccessarily the entire basis of our friendship—I had known and loved him far too long for that—but it was definitely a perk.

Greg was, at this point, basically my Platonic Life Partner. We’d been friends since we were literal children, 12 years old, and somehow, despite all rational expectations, he hadn’t managed to get sick of me yet. At this point he wouldn’t be able to get rid of me even if he tried. I wouldn’t let him.

But I did love him, truly. He’d been there for some of the absolute worst moments of my life, and I’d been there for him in return. We had the sacred Lesbian-Gay Boy bond, and when his parents got a little Weird after he came out officially, it was my mom who became his support system. He fought with my brothers as if they were his own, and he had become an honorary member of the Stern clan in his own right.

You wouldn’t think he was the kind of guy who would be my ride-or-die bestie just by looking at him. Greg was kind of an enigma, a walking mess of contradictions. He was all Captain American Corn-Fed American Boy Realness on the outside, sandy blonde hair and blue eyes and a chin that could cut glass, but if you’d talked to him longer than five seconds you would realize that at the end of the day, he was just a really confident, unapologetically gay weirdo, obsessed with Lord of the Rings and deeply obscure anime as much as he was with football and classic rock.

But in a way, I loved him all the more for it.

“Hey Cat,” he said with a casual shrug of his shoulders, that merry little twinkle in his eyes as he flexed his chopping skills on an eggplant.

“Hello Housewife,” I replied with a mad giggle, stealing a slice of carrot from his chopping board and ducking out of range when he tried to elbow me back.

Ginj laughed at us and my heart felt so full, all of a sudden. That warm glowy-homey feeling that I got sometimes at moments like this, struck with the reminder that somehow, against all odds, I had found a place to belong. There was a long stretch of time there where I wasn’t even sure I was gonna make it out alive, that it nearly knocked me over to realize that I had. Where would I be in the world without these two, honestly?

At that point I’d practically forgotten all about The Coffee Girl Incident. There was too much good stuff going on. Everything in that moment was safe and right and good, and I was starting to believe it always would be, which was a rather novel experience to my still clincially-depressed and anxiety-riddled ass.

Until Ginger had to go and ruin it by making a stupid joke about coffee at dinner.

So I pulled her hair and she hit me and Greg threatened to send us to our rooms without dessert. Just a normal weekday dinner, really. And then I was far too busy eating a delicious home-cooked meal with two of my favorite people on Earth to care about silly stuff like spilled lattes and pretty blue-eyed girls.

I mean, I would probably be obsessing about the whole embarrasing incident for the rest of my life, especially when I was trying to sleep, but for now I focused on better things. I wouldn’t let it bother me. And such was the magic of Greg’s cooking, that just for a moment, I almost believed it too.

But of course, Fate wasn’t done with me just yet.

[xadoheandterra]

I’m having a wonderful morning of adjusting my schedule and actually trying to be a nice functioning human being. I got to say hi to my mother because she’s awake and she’s ranting about the political climate as she does and I think to myself that she’s probably not going to be an asshole because look at me! Doing things for myself!

Fucking bitch full of piss and vinegar sits there and tells me you don’t need to be up a full 3 1/3 hours before work!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

I know my fucking self. I take an hour to wake the fuck up. An hour. This gives me roughly 2 1/2 hours to do necessary things such as: brush my teeth, eat breakfast, take my meds, walk my dog, feed my cat, make my fucking lunch. And that is IF I USE THE FULL TIME TO DO THOSE THINGS AND ACCEPT BEING LATE TO FUCKING WORK BY A HALF HOUR.

In reality what I have is two hours to get all that shit done, me with my broken autistic and adhd brain, who can’t focus for his fucking life, has so much shit to do in the morning in just two hours. Because I can’t wake the fuck up.

AND THEN, THEN, when I go to tell her this--that it takes me an hour to get up--she turns around and decides fine. Fine its ok to ignore what I just said she’ll attack me some other way because obviously I used logic to defeat her argument. Whatever.

So she blames me for why my aunt (my father’s sister) refuses to speak to her now. That apparently my aunt has decided not to talk to her as of the weekend or so because, and I quote, “you yelled fuck off at me,” while she was on the phone.

Excuse me? Exfuckingscuse me?

I said “fuck off” because you were being a bitch to my goddamn aunt. You were ranting about how you would never vote again and therefore you have all the rights to complain about government, were basically steamrolling over her when she tried to tell you that’s not how it works, were completely shutting down her own counterarguments about things and look, I know it’s frustrating. Dad’s family is as damn close to fucking racist southern bigots as you can get without outright using slurs and calling for everyone not white to be shot. They’re all Trump supporters because they don’t know any better and dad does his best with some of them--others we can’t even bother like my Uncle who lives in New Orleans, but my Aunt?

My Aunt only has my dad. No one else will help take care of her. No one. None of their siblings fucking bothers the only person she can go to is my dad and my dad does his damn best to educate her on why some of her views are backwards and its very slow because she’s old but it fucking works. She’s not a bad person she’s just not informed enough because nowhere where she lives spouts anything but the fascist political bs that is the GOP and Trump.

But goddamn it, my own fucking mother you are also a goddamn racist homophobic transphobic bigot and you are worse than my aunt. You know the aunt you talk shit to whenever she does talk to you--the aunt you can’t care to be conscientious to--the one who is disabled like me. That aunt? Your worse than her. Because you will spout about how anyone not white or not straight should be fucking shot. So yeah, fuck off.

Bitch I am not the reason why she quit talking to you. You are the reason. You are always the reason.

[starshine-selfships]

1, 10, 11, and 12 for the ask game ? 😺🙏💟

Hi hi hi!! You're getting long answers to these bc any excuse to talk about this man makes me go crazy stupid 🙌🙌🙌💕

1) What's a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

HE👏IS👏NEURODIVERGENT!! I'm specifically talking adhd, but he checks a lot of boxes for something more ambiguous too. I'm actually rewriting my adhd sh.aiapouf post and I'm gonna put it here too, but the cut time version IS: noticeable hyperfixations/special interests in music and the monarchy, practically no empathy + has difficulty understanding the emotions of others, fast thinking + thinks a LOT, almost weirdly analytical + book smart with little to no interpersonal skills, extreme emotions all over the board, like there's a LOT here and it explains like 80% of why he's Like That 😤

10) How did you feel when you realized "oh of course I had to like That Character"?

Okay I have a lot to say on this one djnfkffk please bear with me as I write a whole novel

✌U_U ✌

Honestly,, , I wasn't happy LMAOOO, around the time I watched the anime for the first time i was actually still pretty into j.jba and unfortunately was really into dio U_U

I was fascinated by pouf as soon as I saw him in the opening, lots of neat ant designs and then this butterfly man?? I need to know everything about him 👀 His intro with the rainbows in the wings, the fairy chimes, the solo violin, all had me like 👁👁 Sir I Am Going To Study You Like The Insect You Are, and then I saw him actually play the violin and was sold lmao. He was funny as far as comic relief went and then? The giant improv ballet breakdown and antagonistic turn drew me in further and then I was invested in a no going back sorta way as soon as he went chibi for the first time, just watching the chaos of the entire scene with this ridiculous huge grin dhjdkxkf every single thing he did was in the extremes and it was like watching a train de-rail in real time, I saw him face down in the dirt at the end of the arc and didn't even feel anything, he was just so WILD

So I finish h.xh not too long after that and texted a friend and was like hmmm. I need to watch j.jba to return to my roots and also to forget that I think I might've accidentally given myself a lil crush on the butterfly man 😳 idk if that return ever happened but I DO remember being frustrated with how pretty he is,, I didn't really wanna shift hyperfixations at the time and also didn't know if it was attraction or gender envy bc. what I would give to simultaneously look so fem and so masc 👁 either way it was a 3 month struggle of "oh no oh my god I wanna kiss a bug so bad?? 😞" and then I caved at midnight in a denny's and was like okay. fine. I'm gay for a bug, I really really like him but *i* don't have to like that 😤

I did, in fact, proceed to like it, enough to make an entire separate blog for him. It was a slow progression of "I mean, I'd share a ballroom dance with him, like a waltz maybe", "hmm okay he's funny but whatever", "oh uh. he uh. I mean he's neat, a lot of people didn't like him but I just think he's an interesting character 😳" and. and then I finally caved and I never stopped talking sjdkfkf though to be fair, I was already talking about him a LOT on my main, I just decided that maybe it would be nice to have a space to just. contain 90% of my poufposting LMAOOO

Final note on this, but I think what really got me is how many characters are in this series and yet I gravitated towards the one no one could stand 😞✌ though to be fair the hatred for him has definitely gone down compared to what I can remember from a few years ago; absolutely does not change the fact that He Is The Way He Is, but I saw the war crimes, malice, potentially treason, and I won't name it but it's by far the most uncomfortable thing to sit through in the arc, I saw ALL of that and still went hmmmm yes I want that one U_U true love huh

11) Do you think it's better to have copious amounts of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

The art situation with him is strange bc there's a decent enough to be notable amount of art of him captioned with some variation of "I hated him but he had a really cool character design", but it's still content. Surprisingly, I actually don't track the tag for him but take a look at it anyways almost every day and there's maybe one new thing there like once a week, minimal content bc so many people just didn't like him, which is fair!! But also, he was definitely there as a prominent character, I'd just like to see more of him U_U I would put more art here but I'm too conscious of the art ops seeing my bs over here jdkdkfkk

There actually are a handful of ship art drawings of him, which astounds me bc this man wasn't there to make friends, not even with his own siblings :/, but the errant art of him with morel or kite is honestly pretty cute, please just let this man be happy, I love to see him smile 🥺

12) Aren't you tired of being nice? This is an excuse to rant.

He wasn't the worst guard!! All three had reasons for doing what they did and arguably, pouf's motives were the most complex. Yes he did some pretty awful things, but he considered them to be the right thing to do without a doubt in his mind, all his actions were selfish in that they were based off his own feelings, but he did things ultimately for the king, so his actions also had an edge of selflessness to them as well. He was just. so much more than annoying and while his character development wasn't positive, it was still some pretty astounding growth; as an antagonist, he's also fairly plausible 👀 sometimes people just are manipulative, sometimes feelings do get the better of you, pouf just has all those factors amped up to 11 at all times so they're magnified. I have. a lot of thoughts on him, he interests me very much 😞👀🤔👀

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 32: Timmy*

Timmy* gave off a frat-boy kind of vibe with the pictures in his profile, a trope that has become my type. His profile did seem to be half-heartedly filled out; his hometown was just the abbreviation of the state, his employment simply said "cardiac surgery," and a couple typos.

Mostly my reason for wanting to message him, in particular, was that one of his prompts about a travel story was very obviously cut off and he ran out of characters. I messaged him saying the cliffhanger was dramatic and wanted to hear the whole story. It was a very long story, involving being in Ireland and a random person coming into his and his family member’s room. I mentioned I didn’t have anything quite that interesting regarding my travels before. We chatted more and although I wouldn’t say we had a lot of similar hobbies and interests, the conversation did flow well. He was definitely more active than I, going to the gym often and eating pretty healthy and en mass. Very much a gym bro type. I also had assumed he was a surgeon, given his position being cardiac surgery, but then learned later he was more involved in some sort of programming instead for cardiac devices, so not really cardiac surgery per se.

When we moved away from Hinge and onto text messaging, we were both mutually behaving as if we had known each other a while, and better than we did. At one point, he had asked, “are you a guy version of me?” To which, I was very aware of how little we knew about each other, which led me to respond that it was too soon to tell.

I did however confirm my place as forever the more aggressive one; I text him one day "Timmy*, when they fuck are we going out?" Not that it had been too much of a long time talking, but just that he had not yet made a move, and that we were obviously getting along and it would make sense for us to take that next step. We plan for a few days from then, a Tuesday, after work, and that it would have to be more or less played by ear because of our jobs' schedules being semi-unpredictable. My easy place, Armature Works, was chosen as where we would meet up.

Our date got pushed back slightly, as I got off on time, but he was going to be held up at work later than expected. He did however give me ample heads up, so I just relaxed at home a little longer than I would have otherwise, and perfected my outfit and minimal make-up. The day of the date, and leading up to it, I made jokes about being a catfish and that I was actually a middle-aged, fat, Russian man. I continued this while I waited for him when I was describing what outfit I was wearing so he could recognize me better with my mask on, then later added that I was still a middle-aged Russian man, but that I was still wearing a skirt and crop top. I waited for him on a bench for almost 30 minutes. I arrived on time to when he had delayed the date, but still too early apparently. Luckily, I had brought my headphones, so I just listened to some music to pass the time by.

Finally, I received a text message saying that he had parked and then that he could see me. Nothing is more uncomfortable than being seen and not seeing who is looking at you. I looked around and didn't see anyone that looked like him, so I went back to staring at my phone. Eventually, a man looking more like him appeared trotting down the small set of stairs next to me. Although he definitely wasn't short, he seemed shorter than what I was expecting, and his hairline seemed to be just starting to recede.

He was not familiar with the location as much as I am, so I took it upon myself to give him a tour of the location. Despite being indoors, and still pretty amidst a pandemic in late February, Timmy* kept taking his mask off. As a healthcare worker, I was confused and appalled; he should know better. I yelled at him every time to put it back on. Once he said, "you're one of those huh?" I almost rolled my eyes back into my head. Then he also asked me, "well when can I take it off?" to which I responded, "when we are outside and/or we sit down to eat/drink." He got a beer at one of the bars, and it was a beer that had some marijuana in it, which was an interesting choice. After having toured the whole place, it was time to split off to order our respective meals. I got my food, and a drink, and wandered over to the area I had last seen him, as he had said he was going to get a pizza. He was nowhere to be found, so I text him asking where he was. He indicated that he was over by where he had gotten his beer.

I found him and then he told me that he had ordered food from two different restaurants because he couldn't decide and also eats so much due to his athleticism. We found a spot to sit nearby outside, and it is a lovely night, we were comfortable in the fresh air. We both finally did take off our masks and started to eat.

I half-heartedly apologized for being so hard on him regarding the mask-wearing, but emphasized that I am passionate about proper mask-wearing because of my experience with having the virus and wanting to make sure to reduce the spread. He then said, "Oh you had COVID! I'm in a way glad to hear it." He then pauses before saying, "I have COVID too. My doctor said I'm asymptomatic? So I'm totally good." My eyes must have gotten the size of saucers; I leaned away from him and was looking around seeing if anyone had heard him. "Wait what?" Is all I could say. "Uh, no. Please tell me you're joking?" Timmy* stares at me confused, "I'm asymptomatic! So that means like I don't have it."

I am prepared to leave immediately. "So you had a positive test? What? Why are you here right now?" I say. Finally, he drops the rouse and admits he was kidding, but that he got me. "That was not funny. I was legitimately terrified!" So far, this date is bizarre. He mentions that because I joked around so much that I would appreciate it. I did not.

We eat our food and chat. Unfortunately, he also is a person who seems to eat with their mouth open. Another strike. Timmy* has become very comfortable around me, as he also decides to tell me another long story about the time he was "sexually assaulted by a doctor." Which was that he went to a doctor for a physical and that she had grabbed his testicles and had him cough, though the way he told it was extremely drawn out and had many mini-stories leading up to the point that was supposed to be the assault. I then told him, "I'm sorry to say that your doctor was not trying to hit on you on anything, that is a normal thing that happens with mens' checkups." This was news to him. It was obvious that he is not a well-versed healthcare worker.

Once we finished our food, I suggested we walk along the river. First, though, I wanted to drop off my leftovers in my car. We walk to it and I make him guess what kind of car I drive. He is impressed by my car and we don't linger long before I say we should leave the parking lot. He tells me that he has a muscle car, which is so random and I would never put him in a car like that. Whereas a sixteen-year-old girl might be googoo-gaga over this, as a full-grown adult, it isn't quite as alluring to have a car like that.

While on the riverwalk, I become irritated at the fact that he walks very slow. Slower than I am able to walk. It makes no sense as I am significantly shorter than he is, so my strides shouldn't be longer than his. I mention to him that he walks slow and I ask that he walk a little faster. He picked up the pace, but then slowly reverted to his tortoise-like speed over time. I tire of our uneven velocities and we take a seat on some rock benches. We chat about brief things and I suggest we walk back. Again, I battle with the paces, mention it a couple more times that I am unable to walk as slow as he walks.

We get back to the main area of Armature and take a seat in some oversized chairs. He tells me about his family and some stories about his relationships in middle school and high school, which are also drawn out and bizarre. It nears 10pm, and we are told by staff that they close at 10. A couple minutes til, I remind him we need to leave and I ask where he parked. He parked in a different lot, I offered to walk him to his car. He offers to drive me to my car. We do so and his muscle car is indeed very overly-masculine. He goes on to go through a bunch of random songs on Spotify, only playing each song for less than 30 seconds, very ADHD-like. He drives me to my car, but wants to keep me there, again showing me more songs. I'm politely just listening as he flexes on all the types of music he listens to. He tries to show off that he knows "alternative music," my preferred genre, but I point out that a lot of the songs he's playing are more "pop-punk" or just old alternative jams.

He compliments my music taste and mentions that he has noticed I am adept at knowing song names, musicians, movies, and so forth. I begin to joke that likely I am a little autistic, adding "I'm working on my eye contact," as I make direct eye contact with him. What he says next, is something that I was not prepared for, and something that still baffles me, and possibly always will. "Yeah, you do look a little retarded." Immediately, I burst out into laughter; not because I think what he said was funny, but because I am so bewildered and shocked by what was just said. Eventually, through the laughter tears I am able to get out, "Dude you shouldn't say that to a woman." He insists it was a joke and makes excuses, but I keep laughing, with my hand on the door handle just waiting for a good moment to step out. I repeat that what he said isn't cool, and eventually stop laughing long enough to say, "alright, on that note, I think I should head out." Being friendly, I still ask that he tell me when he gets home since I know he has a longer commute home than I do. I wave goodbye through our car windows.

The formalities are complete; he texts me ever so briefly the next day, respectfully I respond, knowing well I never plan on going out with him again. Then it seems we have a mutual ghosting situation, as I don't try to text him, nor he to me. This day I have another date, and after that one, I have no one that I want to communicate with as that is also a dud. All is good until a few days later when I am out with my friends in Ybor, drunk. I get a text from Timmy* saying "yo." I lament and groan and my friends ask about my reaction. I explain the situation and one of my guy friends asks for my phone. I hand it to him as he starts to text him on my behalf.

My phone is with my friend, but with my Apple Watch, I can see the text conversation and when he is responding. I start yelling "oh god please don't bring him here. I don't want to see this guy." Respecting my wishes, my friend decides to still fuck with him, but prevent this poor soul from spending money on an Uber and coming down.

My friends then send a selfie of themselves, with me not in it, saying "she's with me." I yell at them more saying, let this guy be, just ignore him. However, instead, my friend takes it a step further.

I tell my friend that he was too harsh and that I of course would have told him I wasn't interested, but a lot more mature and kindly. When later I check, understandably Timmy* has unmatched me on Hinge*, likely blocked my number. No loss there though.

[adhdtoomanycommas]

Emotional Abuse and ADHD

Ok, first real post on the ADHD sideblog, so lets dive straight into the heavy stuff.   TW/CW for emotional abuse, gaslighting, and probably some other things too (please feel free to let me know if I should add additional tags).

I had trouble sleeping last night because my brain kept insisting I needed to start this blog, like immediately, despite it being clearly not an opportune time to do anything of the sort. Or at least, it insisted, I needed to jot down all the essay/ramble/whatever topic ideas I had complicated thoughts on so I could start the blog today. I managed to resist doing both of those things, and get to sleep eventually, but here I am.  The first topic that brought this on was wanting to talk about my experience in an emotionally abusive relationship and how many aspects of that were exacerbated by various symptoms of my (then undiagnosed) ADHD. 

I’m going to assume a certain amount of baseline familiarity with some terminology and whatnot here, if you’re confused by any of the ADHD terms I use here I recommend heading over to theadhdmanual.com and reading their very helpful “three pillars” articles which do a great job of explaining Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and emotional hyperarrousal (also elsewhere called emotional disregulation, I’ll be using both terms interchangably but won’t be abbreviating the latter for hopefully obvious reasons).  On the emotional abuse terminology front, there’s a couple great articles on gaslighting on everydayfeminism.com that I recommend seeking out. 

It is possible I am slightly stalling here by providing all this context.

At this point damn near ten years ago, for most of my senior year of college and for a good few months afterwards (I don’t remember how long exactly since adhd brains suck at timelines and I don’t feel like logicing it out right now) I was in what I later realized (with help from the aforementioned everydayfeminism articles) was an emotionally abusive relationship.  My then-boyfriend, who I will call Al, was insecure and jealous. I had more sexual experience than him going into the relationship, and he used that as an excuse to guilt-trip, manipulate, and ultimately control me.  I realize now, that the primary weapon he would use against me was my own RSD. 

Whenever I did something that upset Al, (typical infractions included things like accidentally mentioning one of my exes, correcting him about something,  “flirting with” --read: talking to-- any of my friends who were more my friend than his, or singing along to music) he would generally make his displeasure known by ignoring me--withdrawing all physical affection, coupled with the silent treatment.  If you’re familiar with RSD, you can already guess how effective this was.  If you’re not, then for comparison you should know that ADHD people can spiral very quickly into completely irrational “they hate me, don’t they?” thought spiral from something as small as a delayed text.  Al would almost never tell me what I did to upset him, and in my guilt-spiral I would usually tearfully beg forgiveness for everything I could think of until I guessed correctly and/or he arbitrarily decided I’d had enough. 

As an aside,  he would often do this silent treatment toward me in public while being perfectly cheerful and whatnot with our other friends, often making it seem to others like he was just joking or messing with me. On one memorable occasion he refused to say anything to me but the word “spoon” with varying inflections for the better part of a day--a pretty skillful gaslight because to everyone else around this just seemed like goofy ol’ Al being his silly self, but from context I knew this was part of a punishment, and I couldn’t express any kind of being upset about this, even annoyance, without looking like I was overreacting to a dumb joke.

Ultimately much of what he actually did (or didn’t do) in public didn’t look like much to an outside observer, but he knew my (RSD fueled) insecurity would make it hurt, especially when I wouldn’t be able to address anything with him until we were in private later. 

Also (and I intend to write a whole different post about this later) my particular brand of emotional disregulation takes the form of crying extremely easily.  I cry when I’m sad, when I’m tired, when I’m happy, when I see something too cute to handle, and (most importantly, in this instance) when I’m angry.  Because of this, every time I tried to address some relationship concern I had with him, whenever I tried to call out some of his shitty behavior or bring attention to my own emotional needs, it was extremely difficult--nigh impossible--to do so without crying.  This gave him a massive amount of gaslighting ammunition--it made it very easy for him to say I was overreacting, overemotional, irrational, trying to manipulate him, et cetera.   And it was hard to defend myself against that, even to myself. After all, lacking the ADHD diagnosis and resources about emotional disregulation that I have now, I had pretty much internalized the idea that I’m just “oversensitive” when it comes to crying, so I rationalized that I was also being oversensitive about whatever concern I started with in the first place. So every time a conversation started with me telling him he hurt me some way, it inevitably ended with me apologizing to him instead of the other way around.

Just to add to the already nasty cycle, Al also considered crying over something he didn’t deem worth crying over a punishable offense, so it often triggered the previously discussed silent treatment. 

A third aspect of ADHD I haven’t discussed yet also played a major part in how I was abused--Memory.  I don’t have a good resource to link on this one (I’m pretty sure there are some good howtoadhd videos on it on youtube but I’m not going to go dig for them right now), but ADHD people, on the whole, have terrible memories, especially short term/working memory.  Mine in particular might be even worse for some kinds of things  for unrelated reasons (aphantasia, which I might write about later but this is already really long and it’s not actually that relevant here).

Al was perpetually convinced that I was cheating on him, and any time we were apart he would quiz me afterwards on where exactly I was, what I did, for how long, and in what order.  Any inconsistency in my account, or any “I don’t remember”s would mean he would accuse me of lying about the whole thing.  I am pretty sure I have in common with most ADHD people that between time blindness and bad working memories, giving a consistent and accurate account like that is basically impossible, so this rarely went well for me.  Just to further complicate matters, being accused of lying when I’m not is practically guaranteed to make me cry, and trying to keep from crying (to avoid angering him further) means I swallow a lot, and somewhere Al had heard that excessive swallowing is a sign that someone is lying, so again these various ADHD symptoms would combine to just make everything worse.  

 I eventually got out of that relationship, and not too long afterwards got together with my now-husband, who is wonderful, so that’s a happy ending. Getting diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago, learning about these symptoms, and figuring all this out has made this make much more sense to me than before.   But in addition to my ADHD symptoms making me more vulnerable to these emotional abuse tactics,  I’m pretty sure the leftover baggage from the emotional abuse may have made those very same ADHD symptoms worse, and while my new meds seem to help immensely with the executive disfunction aspects of ADHD, they don’t do a damn thing about RSD spirals or emotional disregulation.  Healing and processing it all is slow going, but it has gotten a lot better over the years, and knowing now that even another aspect of this isn’t my fault helps too.  And taking my meds today did help me motivate myself to write all this out, so maybe that will help as well. 

I’m not sure what the takeaway is here, other than I strongly suggest everyone learn what gaslighting and emotional abuse in general looks like, but especially if you have ADHD or suspect you might have ADHD because we might be more vulnerable to being on the receiving end of it than most people.  If anything I talked about here sounds a little too familiar, I strongly recommend reading up on gaslighting, and consider getting the heck away from anyone who sounds too much like Al.  Maybe us ADHDers will inevitably get into some nasty thought-spirals or bad emotional places sometimes, maybe we’ll cry over nothing or worry too much that something we said will make everyone hate us, but if anyone tries to use any of that against you, uses it to get you to do what they want, or intentionally makes you feel worse, they’re not someone worth being around, and I promise you deserve better.

Not sure if anyone will read this, much less any fellow ADHDers because yeah, it’s a big ol’ wall of text and I get that can be hard, but if you made it this far, thanks for listening and I’ll try to go not quite so heavy with my next post, (assuming, of course, that I have a next post and this blog doesn’t become yet another started-and-abandoned project).

That’s all for now.

[defenselesswriter]

The Wrong Side of Reality Chapter 22

as always, chapter one can be found here with links to all previous chapters. it’s on ao3 here. and you can also follow the tag on my blog #the wrong side of reality for writing and chapter updates. enjoy!

“Stiles?” Derek asks, his voice sounding worried as he steps out the door.

Stiles doesn’t exactly run to Derek, but, um, he definitely runs to Derek and wraps his arms around him.

“What’s wrong?” Derek catches Stiles easily and holds him close. He kisses Stiles’ neck and rubs his back. “What did the doctor say?” “I might have ADHD,” Stiles says against Derek’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Derek says, still rubbing Stiles’ back.

Stiles rubs his face against Derek’s shoulder and pulls back enough to rest his forehead against Derek’s. “And anxiety,” Stiles sighs.

“I can smell that,” Derek tells him with a soft laugh.

Stiles falls further into Derek, who just holds him more securely. “Of course you can.”

After a few minutes, Stiles finally breaks away from Derek so they can go inside and up to his room. Stiles falls onto the bed and sprawls.

“You’re taking up my whole bed,” Derek tells him.

Stiles shrugs while staring at the ceiling. The bed dips as Derek climbs on and then he’s resting his head on Stiles’ chest.

“Is having ADHD and anxiety so bad?” Derek asks quietly.

Stiles shakes his head and rests an arm on Derek’s back, his fingers going to play with Derek’s hair. “It’s not. It’s just... I don’t know. Having words to explain what’s going on, something actually going on... it’s a lot, you know?”

“It is a lot. Do you want to talk more about the appointment?”

Stiles shakes his head again even though Derek can’t see him. “There wasn’t a lot to it. I’ll see her again and she’ll give me a firmer diagnosis once she knows more. For now, can we just lay together?”

“Yeah, of course,” Derek says, tilting his head up towards Stiles to give him a quick kiss.

“What’s up, losers?” someone who sounds suspiciously like Cora calls from the doorway.

Stiles lifts his head up enough to see the door and waves a hand. “Sup.”

Cora comes in and sits on Derek’s desk chair. “You okay, Stiles? You smell sad.”

“This sucks,” Stiles mumbles. “I can’t hide anything from you guys.”

“Do you want to?” Derek asks, lifting his head so his chin is resting on Stiles’ chest.

“Not particularly. But sometimes I don’t want to have a deep talk about my feelings.”

“Ugh,” Cora fake gags. “Talks about feelings? No thanks. I just want to know if you’re okay. I don’t need the details.”

“I’m okay,” Stiles says, laying his head back down.

“I think you need ice cream,” Cora announces, and it sounds like she stands up. “Chocolate, strawberry, or mint chocolate chip?”

Since Stiles likes all of those flavors, he says, “Surprise me.”

She laughs and walks out.

Derek tilts his head so his cheek is on Stiles’ chest now and looks up at Stiles. “I love that you’re close with my family. I love that you know now, and we don’t have to keep everything a secret.”

Stiles smiles softly down at Derek. “I love those things too. I like being in the know, you know?”

Derek snorts. “You’re a dork.”

“I’m your dork.”

And that makes Derek smile like an absolute dork, which Stiles is sure to tell him.

*******************

“Stiles?”

“Shit,” Stiles hisses under his breath. Of course Scott is still here. Of course coming early was a bad idea and that he would be spotted lurking at the back of the vet clinic near the dumpster. He half thinks about jumping in it to hide, but Scott is already out the door.

“Stiles, what are you doing here?” Scott asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Just, uh. Saying what’s up to you. Miss you, buddy.”

Scott softens at that. “I miss you, too. We’ve been pretty wrapped up with Allison and Derek, huh?”

“Literally,” Stiles snorts.

Scott rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling, so Stiles takes it as a win. “Too bad we have school tomorrow. My mom saw last quarter’s report card and said I can’t go anywhere on school nights except work.”

“Sucks, man,” Stiles commiserates.

“Sorry you come here for nothing. I’m about to leave as soon as throw this stuff away...” Scott gestures to the trash bag in his hand, and looks back at Stiles with so much disappointment.

“What are you doing this weekend? Maybe we can have a sleepover or something. Lots of video games, Mountain Dew, and trash talking each other.”

Scott smiles widely. “Sounds great, dude.” He throws the trash bag into the dumpster and takes a step closer to Stiles before stepping back. “I’d hug you, but, uh, my hands are gross.”

Stiles nods. “I appreciate your thoughtfulness.” He claps Scott on the shoulder before he turns around and walks inside.

Great. What is Stiles going to do now? He can’t just wait out here until Deaton is ready. Scott will notice the Jeep still in the parking lot when he leaves. This is how Stiles ends up grabbing fries from the only McDonald’s in town. They’re cold and hard, which makes Stiles feel like he just wasted his money. Maybe he should ask Talia to reimburse him as it is her fault he’s here. Kind of...

“Stiles,” Deaton greets. “You’re late.”

Stiles glares at him, but doesn’t give any excuses. “So, do we just jump right into this conversation or what?”

Deaton gives him a small, slightly amused smile. “I suppose we can. Follow me.”

Stiles listens and follows Deaton through the back and into his office where Deaton sits at his desk and gestures for Stiles to sit in front of him, so he does. “How do you even know about werewolves?” Stiles wonders aloud, leaning back into the chair and stretching his legs out as far as he can.

“My family has been working closely with the Hale’s for a very long time,” Deaton answers. “My mother was the pack’s emissary before myself.”

“The pack’s what now?” Stiles asks, confused already. “You’re gonna have to slow down, Doc. I only just found out like five days ago.”

Deaton smiles apologetically. “Right. An emissary is sort of a diplomat for packs. We handle the politics between packs. If two werewolves marry, whose pack do they go to? Whose territory is whose? Where are the lines of morality like biting a human to make another werewolf? We are meant to be the logical voice in the midst of werewolves being bested by their instincts.”

Stiles nods along, trying to understand everything he can. “So being an emissary is your family tradition?”

“Sort of,” Deaton answers. “My grandfather was an emissary for the Hale’s, and my great grandmother was one. As long as the Hale’s have called this their territory, the Deaton’s have been around to help them in any way we can.”

“How do you help?” Stiles asks. “Or I guess, I mean, what can I do to help?”

Deaton sits back, resting his elbows on the arms of his chair and clasping his hands together in front of his mouth as he thinks. “There are certain things that werewolves cannot do that humans can. For example, mountain ash.”

“What is mountain ash?”

“It’s a substance that can be used in many different ways. The most common way to use it is to create a barrier. With the help of a spark, the barrier can trap any supernatural creature. Its powers cannot be activated by anyone else.”

“There’s that word again,” Stiles groans. “Spark. What is a spark? That’s the whole reason I’m even here.”

“Yes, it is,” Deaton agrees. “It’s a long winded answer that I have for you, so listen carefully as I’m not inclined to repeat all of this again.”

Stiles nods and sits up straighter. “Hit me.”

“As long as there have been werewolves and humans and emissaries, there have been sparks.” Deaton pauses for a moment to think through his next words. “Sparks can be very powerful if trained properly. A lot of humans may go their whole lives not realizing they’re a spark because they don’t know anything about the supernatural world.”

“But I’m a spark?” Stiles asks.

“You are,” Deaton says with a nod. “As I am one too, I can sense it from you, and Alpha Hale can as well.”

“So what does a spark do? Are all emissaries sparks? Are all sparks emissaries?”

Deaton laughs once. “A lot of questions, and I do have answers. A spark protects the pack in any way they can, much like an emissary. Some sparks like to be part of the packs too. They get attached to their packs as they would family, as I’m sure you understand.”

Stiles nods because he understands that very well.

“Sparks don’t have to be as diplomatic as emissaries do. However, a spark can be an emissary, and an emissary can be a spark. It’s not a requirement by any means to be a spark. I happen to be one, but my mother wasn’t. I happen to not use my spark often either for many reasons. One of them being that there aren’t many fights here in the Hale territory anymore, and another being that I’m uninterested in being part of the pack. I am happy to help, but that is where my interest ends.”

Stiles nods, resting against the back of the chair again. “Shit, this is so much information. I don’t even know what to do with it.”

“Do with it what you want,” Deaton tells him, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his desk. “Don’t let anyone pressure you to do something you don’t want.”

“What are my options?” Stiles asks.

“Train with me to learn more about your spark, or let it be. Simply be a human in a pack of werewolves. They will teach you how to fight and will protect you at all costs. Although, if you decide to train then you could be able to protect yourself much better. You would be a very good asset to the pack as sparks are very rare nowadays.”

Stiles takes a deep breath, his mind reeling with all the information. He rubs a hand over his mouth and sighs. “I don’t know what I want yet.”

“That’s okay,” Deaton is quick to assure him. “You have time. Not everything has to be figured out now.”

“Okay, good.”

They sit in silence for a moment until there’s pounding on a glass door. Deaton jumps up, and Stiles is quick to follow. They go out into the waiting room, and at the front door is someone banging against it with bloody fists.

“Help!” the person screams, and Stiles would recognize that voice anywhere.

Scott.

[actuallyadhd]

This is quite long, so I’m putting in a Read More. It is responses to all of the Support Sunday posts for this week. Please note that I don’t necessarily agree with all of the suggestions given here. -J

“ takenforpomegranate’s Submission: Right now my biggest issue is driving. I keep zoning out on the road and since someone stole my radio I don’t have music to put on. To top it off there is no ac in my car. I try to focus but I keep loosing it and I end up running lights, almost hitting cars, etc. I don’t take medication since I’m not diagnosed officially either.”

I am so sorry that someone stole your radio. Is it possible to use one of those old disk music player things, walkman was it and place it on your hip or if you have a smartphone or music devise to play- if not- Is it possible to have maybe a stirring wheel cover that is plush or- I guess you cannot squeeze stirring wheel covers like a stress ball maybe that’s bad advice sorry. Would singing while you drive be good music to play while you drive? I heard some people with adhd need to knit while they watch movies but I suppose singing isn’t knitting. I am sorry about this, about your radio. Are you able to take the bus for now so you don’t get any car crashes? Would a friend mind lending you one or buying you one and you could pay them back? Or do they have an extra or old music device of some kind you could borrow? Sorry if my advice is bad.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I’m really struggling with my temper and impulse control. I can just completely flip out at the drop of a hat and I really upset the people around me. Or I’ll do or say something super insensitive or situationally inappropriate (e.g. blurting something out in my outside voice when I’m indoors) without thinking and I can’t take it back :( then everyone is sad or mad, including me and I’m racked with guilt, shame or embarassment.”

I am also impulsive and have outbursts of anger too. Not that you shouldn’t take accountability for your actions but our brains or I think it has to do with dysfunctions of the excutive function, so your inability to think before- well mine too at times is due to that. Adhd and excutive dysfunction. You yourself aren’t defective, your actions can be not great or awful but that does not mean you are awful. Appologize, then let the hurt party stew over it and decide whether to forgive you. It might hurt. I have impulsively said things in explosive anger that have really hurt people and I feel bad for and some have broken ties with me. I am not nessarily entitled to people keeping up social ties with me, though it’s okay to miss them and grieve if that happens as that’s normal. Anyway where was I going with this? You definitely are not defective at all. There’s a ted talk by Brene Brown called the power of vulnerability and she does another one on shame and her definitions of shame was something like and the person who feels shame thinks “that action makes me defective.” Guilt is something like “my action is bad but I am not bad.”

I was thinking of saying educate your friends about your adhd or send them links abour excutive dysfunction though I am not sure if educating your loved ones and friends about your adhd, say after you accidently hurt them would come off to them as you trying to excuse your behaviour. I have exploded in impulsive anger at percieved slights which is I think because we have adhd I learned off a link off this blog that it can be triggered by rejection- or I think that is due to my rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I am sorry I forget what it is called. There was a great ask I saw a few days ago on this blog about someone’s therapists giving them tips about- what was I getting at? If you believe in any dieties you could pray asking your deity or deities to help you have compassion for your own mistakes, outbursts and other things if that helps whenever you have an unpleasant self hatey thoughts in your head about your actions. I really like this song in Steven Universe called “here comes a thought”. There is one line in it I really like about “it’s just a thought, just a thought just a thought it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. We can watch them go by from here.” I don’t know if this would help but to riff off this line you could say “they are just mistakes” multiple times or “everyone makes mistakes” multiple times and it’s okay it’s okay. Whenever I have uncomfy thoughts or I try to think in my head they’re just thoughts it’s okay. Maybe if you want list the things that have been causing or that sparks the outbursts. You could ask yourself “what is the crappy thing thay caused me anger?” “What is a validating response I might say to a hypothetical friend with adhd that reacted similarly?” Lwhy has this made me made?“ “What is the evidence that this is awful?” “What is the evidence or maybe evidence that this is not as awful as I think?” “What are the silver linings of this that bothered me if any?” “On a scale of 1 to 100 percent how much did this bother me?” “Is there a in the middle thought?” I am sorry if this is bad advice I also struggle with impulsivity and anger issues. Ignore this if this is horrid advice I am sorry. This got long I am sorry.

“ adhdkirabraginsky’s Submission: i’m trying to do research on the 16 colleges in my preliminary list, so i can make a final decision, but it’s turned into the mental equivalent of trying to climb a sheer cliff with no equipment. i know that i need to try to making it less overwhelming, and just focus on one school or even one item at a time, but, easier said than done. i’m also going to try voicechatting w/ some friends while i do it, so i can bounce ideas off of them and have them redirect me when i get distracted.”

Sorry this is overwhelming you could also listen to music or white nouse or ocean sounds while doing all this if this helps you be less distracted.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I’ve been struggling with a project all week, putting it off for other things, and I know it won’t take me THAT long to finish, but I just… I’m having trouble gathering the drive to encourage myself to want to do it… let alone having the energy to actually work on it… I’ve tried both carrot and stick encouragement and… I just don’t care.”

Excutive dysfunction is awful. I sometimes cannot get the motivation at all to do chores or get out of bed. I am sorry you are not finding the motivation. Perhaps rest and do lots of self care and pampering yourself till you do. Are you also exhausted by the project? Maybe this is bad advice and I don’t know if this will build motivation but tasks can be draining of batteries and maybe self care and play fills them back up. I watched a ted talk called the power of play and how a polar bear was hungry and wanted to eat a wolf, or so it said in the ted talk and the wolf was playful so the bear decided not to eat and was amused or something and started to be playful too. You are probably wondering what this has to do with motivation but i think play and self care can maybe build up your mental resources. Don’t be hard on yourself if you cannot complete the project. Are their friends you could ask for help on the project? I read this tumblr post about how when we have trouble with motivation because of excutive function it helped that person to admit there are somethings they cannot do on their own and to get help or something. I am sorry if this didnt help

“ bopbingsoo’s Submission: So I’ve been out of work for the last three weeks and my adhd has made it hard for me to move forward. I feel a bit paralyzed and I’m really struggling in making any efforts in updating my resume, searching for jobs and applying to them. I’m also scared to face the constant rejection that I’ve gotten before when I was applying for jobs as well. I just feel so overwhelmed. ”

I am so sorry you are overworked and understandably overwhelmed. I think taking time to rest when you are working so hard to find a job is important and self care. Your fear of rejection is understandable. And apparently I read a study that the place in the brain where physical pain is and rejection are similar so understandable that you would find that unpleasant. I don’t know if this would work for you or maybe would freak you out more but I heard about cognitive behavioural therapy that there is something called de cautastephize where you think of the worst that can happen and ask yourself how you could plan to cope with worst possible sincerios or something. That might make you more anxious though. I don’t know if using a website called 7cups to talk annoymously or at least I think you can talk annoymously to vouleenteers, havent used it mysrlf but heard good things, anywya if you want to talk about your fears and overwhelment. Possibly taking time to inhale in for maybe five seconds and out five, or slow in and out breaths doesnt have to be five secondly exactly could help your nerves. Also stretching. You could also tense your muscles for ten seconds and then untense them for ten seconds, rounds of this one muscle at a time for ten seconds. I read mindfulness can help with tension and fear feelings but i also heard ir can make some people disassiate. Sorry if this hasn’t helped. You deserve more relaxation and less overwhelment. I hope things look up for you.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I got into my top choice unis and have to decide between them but don’t really know what to do. My mom doesn’t have much confidence in me managing on my own so I’m a bit concerned that I’ll end up failing and very conflicted. At this point I’m almost just trying to figure out which one will be easier for me instead of where will I enjoy being.”

Your mother does not sound very nice about that, is she projecting her own lack of confidence or maybe is she projecting her own confidence issues onto you or issues she had in school onto you or she being overprotective? My parents are massively so and it has made me doubt my abilities. You got accepted into two colleges though, that’s awesome! Congrats! I am sorry your mom is having lack of confidence in you that’s not fun. Well it’s your decision of what’s right for you but if you got accepted for two colleges you must be competent. I dropped out of high school due to struggles with a learning disability and bullying and my adhd. You made it this far in your studies like through school and as long as you do self care, pamper and take care of yourself during college, whatever college you choose will be good for you. I am very influenced by my parents but I am not my parents and I don’t have to be them or defined by their expections of me. We are not our parents expectations of us, we can be our own people and since you got through your high school years though it was probably unpleasant at times I assume you managed your studies decently maybe with assistance and you can do that with your college too. I heard there are councillers in college. Maybe this is dumb advice I am sorry. What I mean is though I love my parents I am not them nor their expectations same as you. Maybe you could list ten things you are competent at for a month everyday.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I’m really struggling with meds rn. I was switched to bupropion in the month before classes ended (and my school health insurance along with them). I think it’s making the executive dysfunction way worse tho bc, while I have one more month left in the rx, I just can’t bring myself to find a new psychiatrist and make an appointment so I can just stop taking this medication already. I know I need to make the appointment so I can safely stop the meds, but i just can’t. I don’t know what to do.”

My parent went cold turkey on the pain meds and then quickly started new ones and they got into a coma and while they are not dead other things caused them to be severely brain injured when they woke up. Be careful going cold turkey. A relative also went turkey off an antidepressant and felt like crap for a week or two. Maybe look up the effects of going cold turkey off your meds, going cold turkey on different meds have different effects. You don’t have to go but be careful. What I mean by cold turkey is just going right off your meds by not slowly weening.

[some-truth]

My Story.

I don’t talk about it much. at least not fully like I’m about to right now. But I chose to have a voice for once. I was recently just diagnosed with ADHD. No surprise though. I figured it out myself about a year ago. It’s something that exists in BOTH boys and girls. Most people think it’s just boys, but it’s not. Most people also think it’s a disorder where you simply can’t sit still, which it isn’t necessarily that either. Some people even think it’s not even a real disorder but is an ‘excuse’ for our actions. It’s not any of that. Let me tell you ADHD is something that is very real. It’s something that impairs your learning, your social interactions, and your emotions. It caused me to feel super insecure about myself and it pretty much consumed my life…

I’ve noticed my earliest symptoms around my freshman year. I noticed that reading comprehension was nearly impossible for me. I had to take reading up to me freshman year, when normally most kids in my grade passed it in 7th grade. That’s 3 times taking that class. I didn’t think much of it, I just thought reading wasn’t my for-tae. Looking at the social aspect of my freshman year, I had a hard time making friends. I always laid low and was super polite to everyone but I was never that girl with many friends. Even my closest friends at school weren’t even close to me sadly. I honestly was only friends with them because I didn’t want to be alone so I guess it worked. Then sophomore year came along, I switched to a private school because I could no longer stand my public school with all my fake friends. Good thing is, I had a lot of close friends at my new school because a lot of them went to my church. This made things a bit easier for me. There were only about 20 kids in the entire 11th grade so I guess you can say it was easy to get to know everyone. Anyways, I started dual enrollment that year. Thats when I noticed I had more than just a reading problem. I remember sitting in class listening to my teacher….and I just remember not understanding a thing coming out of his mouth. Yes he was speaking proper english, yes he was speaking at a decent speed, and yes I recognized the words he was saying, but all of those words meant nothing to me. I can hear them clearly, but no meaning processed in my head. This made me very frustrated. I always thought of myself as stupid honestly. I never understood why it was so hard for me but so easy for everyone else. That’s when my esteem started getting low. Junior year comes and I start pulling C’s in all my classes, nearly failing most of them. Studying was such a huge challenge because I procrastinated most of the time. I didn’t wanna deal with the studying because I knew it wouldn’t help anyways. I never really made it past an hour of studying because my brain would already give up after a short period of time. During lecture all I got out was gibberish. My entire life started to become gibberish. Again, in Social situations I would speak and then lose my train-of-thought right in the middle of my sentences. I would listen to people speak to me and I wouldn’t understand a thing. This was extremely embarrassing when they were expecting feedback from me. This caused me to be socially awkward sometimes and I hate it because I’m such a people person. This caused me to start shutting my friends out. I would turn down anyone who would try to make plans to hang out with me. I even quite my job because of this. I never told anyone that and am finally saying it for the first time. I told everyone I quite it because of the sucky pay, which was the truth but not the main reason. I quite it because I was scared of failure. I remember the worst day I ever had at work. My boss was giving me directions to complete a task and the entire day I had to keep asking her things she already told me. I noticed her frustration and I started freaking out. I could tell she thought I was slow and I started having a breakdown internally. I was so nervous and worked up that I faked being sick and went home early. I remember that day so well, and I remember bawling my eyes on the drive home. I never felt so impaired. It was that day when I realized I had to fix this. So I finally told my mom I needed to get checked out. I forgot to mention but this was my senior year already. Anyways, it's really hard for me to talk about my adhd, even to my mom. But I did eventually. I had too. Shortly after graduation I finally get to take my test. What a relief that I was finally doing this. Even though it was quite obvious that I had adhd, I knew in my heart that I needed that exact answer. I needed it to be official. I don't know why, but I did. My test results came out a week later and I finally get diagnosed with inattentive deficit disorder. Now all I need to do is work on myself from here. That's all I can do. I want to get better. I no longer want to allow my disability to set me back in life. I want to beat it. I now have been going to therapy every other week to talk about it. Once I start school, I do plan on starting the medication so we'll see how much of a difference it'll make. Anyways, for any of you out there going through the same thing as I am, feel free to share your experiences too and spread awareness to this. I'd love to hear your feedback.

[sanguinesprout]

Things and stuff... and things... and stuff... and things... .__. (some more thoughts and frustrations, talk about troubles and general feels)

Hmm.. I’ve put off writing again and forgotten things again... things lately have been... kind of bleh... melancholy and non-progressive. I’ve got the negative thinking hat on right now, I know. I wanna take it off though, it’s snug to the point my head hurts but it doesn’t seem to wanna budge yet so imma just roll with it a little while longer. Forgive me for my excessive and probably incorrect use of ellipses, it’s just really hard to find the words, I just smh to myself all the time whenever I try writing really.

Maybe I should make a twitter or something so I can briefly write my thoughts when I actually have them, I’ve thought about this quite a few times in the past. It seems kind of an effort though... my phone is busted and whipping out my pc whenever or writing on paper is kinda out of the question cause I’m much too cowardly and paranoid. I’ll save the thought for another time though (another time probably meaning never orz).

Everyday just feels... heavy and bleak. Like there’s rainclouds permanently hanging over my head even when it’s a sunny day and everyone outside is chirpy and happy. I’m so foggy and sickly feeling from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Everything’s so overwhelming, the thoughts, the senses, all in overdrive and concentration on anything is impossible. I can’t help but feel like don’t know what to do or what I’m even doing has a point and I’m spiralling into the sea of darkness again. I’m lost, so terribly lost, but I can see a small light in the distance. Although it’s far, if I keep going maybe I can still find my way back out. I won’t ever give up hope, even if I feel like there isn’t any at all a lot of the time. I just need to keep going..!

Hmm, okay, I've been tidying my room and pc some more lately. Came across my dyslexia reports (mentioned in one of my previous posts) which I’d been wanting to take another look at since it’s been years, so I did. I read through them both and the first thing I would have to say is that I’m an idiot. Not in the sense of anything related to the disorder or report itself or anything offensive, but in the fact that I disregarded and was negligent towards the diagnoses and advice. I don’t know why I’m so skeptical or maybe still in denial towards this, I think I’m still rather uniformed myself even though I have researched it quite a lot but keep forgetting or misinterpreting details. I feel unsure because like I said at other times, things relating to mental function overlap/can have multiple possible causes. It’s that ‘I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket’ kind of feeling, if that makes sense. I don’t want things in general to become self fulfilling prophecies, because once my mind goes running, it really doesn’t want to come back.

Maybe because I’ve had these struggles all my life I just saw it as normal, as just how I am or something and so to casually dismiss it. Or maybe... it just feels like because maybe no one else around me took it seriously, that I then followed them and didn’t take it seriously either or was too scared to. Being told you’re lazy and slow and things like that all the time and finding out you have legitimate explanation or cause for these troubles, it should be a good sort of thing to know, act on and inform people of. But... instead I have the feeling that it sounds like just an excuse to everyone else, it’s just so easily misinterpreted and kind of difficult to comprehend, explain or believe I guess, idk... :<

The first report from college said I had mild dyslexia and the second more detailed report from uni said I had Dyslexia, ADD (is it called Inattentive ADHD nowadays?) and Irlen syndrome (will maybe write about another time). The Dyslexia mentioned in both was mostly relating to my processing and memory being meh I think. Even though I read them the other day I can’t remember the contents properly, lovely .__. ADD is actually a lot more than I thought it was... I googled it again recently and a lot of the symptoms are similar or overlap with those of AVPD and other things. I want to find an article to link it (though it’s not really necessary) or re-read the report again but even now my head hurts so bad and I just wanna go flop on the bed. I’m really struggling, the mental effort is so strenuous with everything little I do. Even the simplest things wear me out so much that I’m just getting so frustrated and exhausted over and over again. 

Some advice was to go to the doctor for medication to help with the ADD (which I obviously didn’t do). I’m wondering if I should try now, even though it’s been pretty long since the report was written, even though my parents will probably just shun the idea, even though I’m scared of side effects... If it helps, if it makes a difference, it could even be a life changer maybe, or even if it doesn’t help, I’ll never know unless I try... it’s tough... I need to research it some more.

I really badly want to get this post done because thinking about it for so many days (like every other post) has left me with so much anguish, but it’s so hard to formulate the words to express what I really want to say. I feel like I’ve set too much of a structure with my other posts and the general flow of the blog. Also like I’ve set up a certain standard for myself that I feel pressured to try and match every time. I’m just such a ridiculously troublesome and self sabotaging person ughhhh! No no, stop being so negative...! ><

I think I will keep it brief this time and re-visit and elaborate when I can think more clearly next time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, silly... Maybe I should just bullet point my thoughts and stuff so I’ll stop worrying about the structure and grammar and whatever, but I guess it might make less sense then... but when have my posts ever made sense lol... One of the things in one of my dyslexia reports said my writing sample was good but I played it safe with the topic and vocabulary and my paragraphing sucked hahaha. But with more practice, there is improvement. I mean my paragraphing is probably still pretty weird, and my punctuation, I do remember having trouble with it when I was little, but I think I have improved in the general writing department, I’m kind of proud-ish, yay!

Moving on from that subject, I’ve been feeling pretty sad and worried about my family... or well my parents in particular. It’s like... I know I have a very poor quality of life because of health and lack of social stuff, but so do my parents and they never speak about this (no surprise here), but I know about it and I really want to help but when I do they just brush it off or get annoyed... :/ They sacrifice so much of their health for work, and they work so I can live and leech off them pretty much :<

Ugh I’m too brain foggy and distracted... I need a break... :c ...Hmm okay, distracted myself for a bit, nao back to writing something... or not....

*A few days later* welp, uhh... still very groggy and very neck muscle/jaw tension wow. Per usual I forgot what I wanted to say even more lol. I don’t like writing negative/personal stuff about my parents, feels bad man x 10000 .__. I don’t like writing any of this stuff at all, but I can’t give up! Or well, I won’t give up! c: I went back and edited/added to the stuff I wrote, good! Now to continue!

Hmm... in relation my parents having not much concern over their well-being(?) uhh, let’s take the other day for example. I was just saying to my dad that he shouldn’t use expired stuff or things for purposes they’re not designed for or overwork and he got annoyed instantly as usual. I was saying it because I care for him and am worried about his health but I was finding it really hard to express this because of the language barrier. I still tried my best though and after quite a while remembered a certain phrase which is something like wishing or wanting someone to be healthy/have a healthy body. I remembered it because I just heard it a lot the past year and recently (probably a few months ago now) my dad’s bro phoned and said it to me and my dad. He actually wasn’t annoyed anymore after that, maybe because he caught on to what my intentions were or maybe just because he saw me looking upset idk (I got a bit teary but tried to keep looking down and stuff).

Something I also remember and have been wanting to mention, is that my uncle also said to me that same time while my dad was there (he was holding the phone on loudspeaker), that if there is anything troubling me, I shouldn’t hold it all in (my heart) because it’s no good for my health and should speak about it with my parents and stuff (...um maybe this would be possible in an alternate world, but it seems unlikely to work or happen here .__.). My dad’s bro is such a wonderful person and I’m really so thankful and glad my dad has been able to keep in contact with him lately, and to actually see him happy and stuff. I just wish I could’ve talked to him better myself but I froze up cause language barrier and avpd life ugh. That reminds me of another thing, I have relatives but they are all like strangers to me and there’s the language barrier again and it’s just hella awkward... it sucks :c 

I need to stop being such a weenie about everything. No, I say stop too much. I should cease and desist from being such a weenie. Hm... I need to cease and desist from putting myself down and beating my self up, unless it’s beating myself up with only positivity, if that is even possible. Haha that’s a thought... replacing the negative stuff with positive but keeping it in the same attacking tone of voice, it’s pretty amusing. Reminds me of those rap battles I saw on the internets which have complimenting instead of dissing lmao. The more sensical phrase would be to lift yourself up with positivity. Imma make sure to do this instead, lift myself up off my sad butt and get moving. Do you even lift bruh?Lololol :3

I’ve been kinda avoiding going out a bit more lately, I’m so self-conscious and it’s just been getting worse and worser, especially since I’m exposing myself to all these seemingly perfect people on places like Instagram. I can’t help but compare and feel inferior and just ugh. All these people I see are not afraid to like what they like or do and say what they want without feeling ashamed. I aspire to be like them, truly. Seeing that they like things I also like (that I feel stupidly ashamed of and just hide), think and say things similar or exactly on the point of what I would like to (but can never muster the courage to) and are still appreciated and liked is kind of eye opening and reassuring. It gives me hope that if I just really be myself someday, then it’ll actually be okay.

There’s a lot of stuff I wanted to write but kinda just slipped my mind as I focused on other bits, but this post is pretty darn long enough already anyways and my eyes and head are hurting. I guess it’s a good time to end the post and catch some Z’s. I’ll give myself a pat on my (sore aching granneh) back for managing to write even though I felt like I really couldn’t (and wanted to avoid doing so more) and to write out some things I thought I wouldn’t. I did it and I want to continue to get better at expressing and understanding myself! Go go silly me! ^^

Good night~!

[butchmiles]

This morning she told my cousin I got into the university I'm transferring to (I just found out yesterday) and I told her well you beat me to it. and she said I move too slow, in a criticismy way. I shrugged it off. she said I'll leave the room and you two can talk and we did a little then she came back in and asked if I told another cousin whose name starts with the same letter, but I thought she said the cousin I was talking to so I said, confused, I'm telling her right now. She asked me why I waited and I told her, I was gonna tell her face to face but you got there first so we're just talking about college life and she's like what are you talking about that cousin is in town? Face to face? And I realized she didn't say the name I thought she said and I said oh I'm sorry I thought you were talking about this cousin. My mistake. And she blew up. Why would I be talking about her I just told you talk to her and left yall to talk you're stupid you're trying to run game with me you want me to look stupid I'm so happy your cousin was here to hear you try that your brother would have lied but everyone else heard me say one name and you heard another what's wrong so I'm like. pissed. and I bring up how yesterday I told her what a community college had sent me in the mail and she thought I said something about suing me instead of the schools name and I repeated myself and she's like that's not what happened I didn't say that you're too old to make all these fucking mistakes and keep making I thought as an excuse and not knowing anythkng for someone so smart you are so fucking stupid just gaslighting and verbal abuse basically and screaming why would I say lawsuit I gave you the letter I saw it like oh my god YOU SAID IT I don't fucking know anyway. she went off about that like you're trying to make me look stupid I'm not stupid I'm not slow and I'm like I never called you any of those things I was drawing a comparison but I'm going to drop it because apparently you have a memory like an elephant but we had to tear the house apart yesterday looking for YOUR passport that YOU hid from YOURSELF and you kept implying that I stole it for... whatever reason lmao so I'm mad about that I'm like fucking pissed I told everyone don't talk to me while we were getting ready and I went to start taking my hair down and we leave and I forget the food on the counter for my aunt because she just made me SO mad but we went back to grab my baby cousins coat for school but of course I can't do anything right so I grabbed the big coat instead of her little one thinking it was gonna be bad weather and I mean I was right its storming and going to be worse in 2 hours but anyway. she told me put that jacket back in the trunk and then we were driving down the highway and she brought up the fuood and I almost cursed cause I completely forgot about the food after being screamed at for 30 minutes before we left so we turned around again and again the whole ride there she's lecturing me about what's on my mind why am I so forgetful why am I like this and compared me to my cousin with adhd and said we're just alike and I need medication give her my insurance card so she can make a call maybe set me up with her psychiatrist she isn't a doctor I need help and then within 5 minutes she gave it back and switched to expelling my demons through screaming at them to leave me alone and I better be happy and party and do 19 year old things and all this stuff and my thing is... I'm so distracted trying to make sure I don't die as a result of this house. She asked me if I was happy and I said I was. She said what for? I said I lost everything but my brothers and I'm still here and I still graduated and I'm still working hard even if she doesn't think so. I've down a lot. And she completely shut that down. Oh those people are gone. They're dead they're not coming back. You have to move on like did she listen to anything I just fucking said. She said we could drive from this state to north Carolina and I wouldn't say a thing. I don't have conversation for anyone but who I want to. Which is a bad thing? Like I said before we have nothing to talk about. I will make an effort and you won't and that's exhausting sorry I don't like to waste my breath? on someone ? who says and says and says they care and I can talk to you but when I do its all in one ear and out the other?like how you say my aunts and uncles who helped up get into school and helped pay for my books don't care about me really they're just talk about how they'll do this and that and they don't. Yourd the same. You may buy me things and feed me and clothe me by you're all talk on the emotional support and health front cause all you seem to be able to do is scream at me from 10 pm to 1 am and then act like the next day I should have a complete change of heart oh suddenly I will be a perfect human being and never forget anything and never be sad ever ever again wow!!!! Like yeah fucking right

[laholcevita-blog]

Good Job, today too

Today (18/12/17) one of the idol i grew up with passed away and become one of the stars. I never thought to see this day writing this and completely in synch with the thoughts he had.

This year has been extremely hard for me, getting into Uni in the first place was the start of the whirlwind of my self destruction. It was hard knowing how much potential i had, my passion and thirst for knowledge is being slowed down by no one but myself, like any other beings like it was a creature that lives, my fears and hopelessnew grew. To quote president snow from my favorite trilogy Hunger Games " Hope is the only thing stronger than fear " and i only have the later, because the former vanished along with my beliefs of everything.

It began when i suffered so much through first semester of Uni, when i couldn't handle the fact that i got a C i was shaking, i made my parents disappointed again i killed my parents expectation, at first it was just a simple breakdown, then later it grows next semester i realise i can not go through with the way i am going through, slacking off assignment last minute, coming late, i took full 22 credits that semester and of course i suffered even harder, i got a D in philosophy, no biggie i said as i took my breath completely shaking to the core, mom and dad doesn't have to know, i could retake the course and everything will be dandy again! But it doesn't stop there next semester i got 2 D i was completely shaking even harder because i didn't expect that result at all, couldn't forget that breakdown i had i called uut wanted to get to her home but i abandoned that plan because i don't wanna burden her even more. I realise that day theres something wrong with me, my mood and anxiety was at the worst point ever that year it push me into finding out what was wrong with me. I thought i had bipolar lol and silly me talked about it to one of my psychology major friend, she was right that day dismissing my concern, it wasn't the right diagnosis i would call because one day i found out about adhd and everything just click. In 2014 I've discovered something new about myself, it's a help that knowing it's not entirely my mistake, i met someone on internet, lovely Shannon, she has helped me in a way that no else has. I didn't talk to anyone about it because i knew there's nothing they can do about it, i planned to meet a psychiatrist but i didn't have money back then and i said to myself you can go through this! It helps that i realise that i am not just a quirky girl next door, my carelessness my inability to focus isn't completely my fault and i wasn't in entire control.

In late 2015 and 2016 me and shannon was no longer in contact, fine i can deal it on my own, i got into seventeen and meet the awesome person and lady that Kitty is. I'll explain more about it later, but 2016 was one of the worst year for me, i took care my disorder more as i began to realise everything wrong with me, i was hard on myself, i failed school i failed my parents as they like to point out and at the same time that year I was proud for getting 5 As in seven course i took, but that's the only light it began downright downhill from there, i took time off the internet because it made my mental health even worse and from there i began to talk to kitty more in other platform, always Thankful for knowing her. That year i took my internship program everything was stressful, i finally realise such work environment doesn't suit me, it was also the time i started working on my thesis title, my restlessnese and overwhelming feelings began to come in full force it took me two months to get the first chapter to finalise, i hated myself immensely, everything was awful that finally i seek a psychiatrist help it was pricy but i had some money, i thought i have to help myself this is the answer but of course reality punch me in full force the psychiatrist know nothing about my struggle he understand nothing it made physically broken, no one could help me. I asked for recommendations still i want to try medications i was scared, I didn't wanna depend on stimulant i don't wanna be a junkie, but I've hit rock bottom i thought nothing to lose maybe meds would help me.

It took some time and bravery for me to see another psychiatrist, it was hard, but itvwas even harder when he simply declares i have anxiety disorder i guess it makes sense in a way theres young woman having a breakdown in the hospital, admitting no one can understand them but his diagnosis made me even crazier he prescribed me anxiety meds, clobazam, to which i took in fear because it was also prescribed for ppl with manics, i told my concern with another break down, he didn't take it well of course and still sure about his diagnosis. From there i was just devastated completely and resigning in hopelessness. No one could understand me no one could fucking help me. I took the meds though but i know i don't have anxiety disorder, my anxiety level is off the chart i realise its just not enough to be classified into one.

Few months of procastination overwhelmed me on thesis just made the situation several degree more worse. Everything is all i don't wanna be a liar, a manipulative loser and ultimately someone who's not even worth a living. I lay on bed all day all night feeling like the biggest disappointment and waste of air, my parents couldn't be more wrong. It's difficult for me to even begin explaining the concept to somone who raise and birthed me, it's even more difficult when i tried to open up to my relatives and they didn't take me seriously, it's next to impossible when i just made the professor i look up and admired to, the person who think i had so much potential but i kept letting him down every single time. Reality was so hard that sometimes I'd rather i never woke up from a dream, which i rarely had because it all just blank dark and cold like my life. The tears pouring down were competing with the rain outside.

Kitty who takes no bullshit came as the support system i never knew i have, i met ben too early that year, 2017 is actually the year i took the matters in my own hand because i can not keep be like this. But every step ahead i took equivalent of several step back, my meeting with the old psychiatrist of course went shit but i don't give a fuck anymore, i steal money from my parents, i saved them from my freelance work so i can afford the meeting to begin with. I lied and makes excuses so i can get the time to make an appointment i am a filthy liar

The meds however turn out like nothing I expected, it gave me extreme nausea, it makes me hungry zoned out but I'm still the clutterheaded brain that i am it's like all of my dream of some kind of knight in shining armor vanished, there was never a one quick solution, all it left is one cold reality. It was the fool of me who expect something that is never the truth of life that no one can save me but myself. Even after my silly theatric of another breakdown i had in the cousin house because i have no money to afford another meeting, not even after they broke my trust and told my parents who of course treat me like a fucking freak. Another cousin who fucking belittles me that i was being stupid that all my concerns are faux i don't have energy to argue, none, all my wills are gone by that moment that it became easier to just lie and nod agreeing to all her comments

Each day my parents worries and anger grew into explosion just like my self worth, i began to hurt myself self harming it felt good and scary at the same time when i did, good because i deserve it i'm a fuckin piece of disappointment afterall, scary because deep down i don't want to die but i honest to god wants to end the pain i felt, i began to actively look for a way to end myself with the painless way as possible thats, it just hurt deeply the pain i felt is so intense that if i dont live in the house my parents own maybe i would cry for days its why the day jonghyun suicide news came out i couldn't stop crying i know exactly how he came into that conclusion, and every time i read into everything about it i just broke down, third day and the pain still raw i don't know if i could be at peace with the constant war i have, i know i have my good days i am a positive thinking person by nature i like to think the world would be at its definite beauty someday but when that bad comes it just hard i woke up feeling like there's no purpose in living, someday maybe i would update this blog and be able to write that i am Happy that i won my own war, and when that day comes i have to give myself a pat on my back, good job today too