#do you know how long i've had this sitting in my google drive

[vinceaddams]

Hello! I was wondering if you would kindly explain the merits of different thread materials for hand sewing (or point me to a good resource about the subject)?

A lot of the historical costumers on YouTube say they greatly prefer silk or linen, but don't explain why. The employee at Fabricland suggested polyester over cotton for hand sewing some cotton hankies, and had no answer for when cotton thread would ever even be used. You mentioned in a post somewhere that you use poly for machine sewing colours, but prefer cotton for whites (or maybe the other way around, I might be misremembering?). Please help, the lack of "why" is driving me nuts and google is Not helping!

Hello! The main reason I dislike polyester for hand sewing is that it's just so damn twisty and tangly. It's what I use at work for sewing buttons back onto the sleeves of jackets when I change the length, and I have to be careful not to let it get all snarled up. The polyester thread is made with the intent of being used in sewing machines, so it makes sense that they wouldn't take into account how the amount of twist and the way it un-twists when you pull it through material affects hand sewing.

Another thing is that wax doesn't really meld into it, it just kinda sits on the surface. Usually (but not always) you wax your thread before hand sewing with it, as it makes it stronger and helps stick the fibres together so they don't wear out as fast, and it makes it easier to work with. On silk and linen it sticks nicely, but on polyester it just kinda lays on the surface all crumbly like.

Linen is great for hand sewing because it's usually very strong, but waxing is essential because otherwise a lot of fibres will strip off of it just from the process of being drawn through the fabric a bunch of times. And modern linen thread is too uneven to work in machines, so I only have it for hand sewing.

Silk thread is also great for hand sewing because it's really smooth and soft and runs nicely, and waxing it makes it stronger, and I usually double it if it's the fine stuff. Silk thread can be used for machine sewing too, but I would only suggest it for very lightweight delicate things, because I've tried it on a shirt or two and it just doesn't hold up well to long term wear & washing. (The little bit of hand finishing I do with silk thread on the insides of the collar & wristbands on my everyday shirts is fine because it's not in one of the areas that wears out first, and as previously mentioned it's doubled and waxed, and therefore stronger than a plain unwaxed machine sewn silk thread seam.)

It sounds like you're thinking of this post? Yes, you are misremembering it slightly, I was only talking about thread for shirts there! The reason I usually use polyester for the machine seams on my coloured shirts is simply that it comes in a lot of colours and is therefore easier to match.

(I also use polyester for machine sewing things like pants, because I know it's stronger and will hold up to a lot more wear. Actually, I've also had to switch to heavy duty polyester for sewing the buttons on my pants, because the linen just keeps wearing through and they keep popping off. This problem is probably because I don't actually have heavy linen thread, and am instead using fine linen yarn, which is not meant for sewing. But anyways, it's still plenty strong in seams, just not for attaching buttons. I do have actual linen thread in finer weights.)

The cotton thread I mentioned liking for white shirts is Aurifil 50 weight, which I recently found at a quilt shop and it's soooooo nice! Quite fine and soft, so I still wouldn't want to use it on heavier fabrics, but it's absolutely ideal for lightweight linens or cottons.

Ideally it would be amazing to have it in more colours and use it on more shirts. The reason I only have it in white is because it's a 1300 metre spool that cost like 20 bucks, and if I recall correctly the quilt shop only had a very few colours anyways. I do at least want to go back and get another spool in black...

(There's also the matter of it matching the shade of white fabric better, as all my white polyester thread is either optic white or ivory.)

Regular cotton thread is fine I guess, but I find it to be awfully stiff. It works for shirts, I just don't much like it, and I haven't really tried hand sewing with it.

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

A/N ♕ This is gaudy as shit and I don't care. Idk. There may be inconsistencies with the story, so, sorry. I've been working on this all day. 8 pages on Google Docs so you're in for a read. Good stuff starts at page 3 (mind you, this is from Google Docs perspective.) I read, reread, rereread, rerereread, rererereread .... until I couldn't. This is a little headcanon-y and a little fic-y. It's just what I was feeling. I know you know what to do if there's anything horribly wrong. For real, though. This is so fucking long I never want to see my laptop again.

C/W ♕ Unprotected P->V, F->M & M->F Oral, M->eating his cum (sorta) from F, kinda rough sex but they like it. I'm so brain dead right now that I can't remember everything. Soft broken Hanma eventually. I like you, no shit? I like you too. Kiss kiss. Snooze snooze. Happy happy.

Funsies ♕ A link of the playlist I made while I was writing this in case anyone wants to check it out. I don't think the read will exhaust the playlist so pick any song you want and it should, theoretically work at any point?

WC ♕ 3,915 (ISH - I change things once I get it here on Tumblr, but it's around that.

♕ You'll never forget the first time you rode on the back of Hanma's bike with him.

♕ He wasn't really keen on the idea of taking you home. You weren't even his responsibility.

♕ But it was a favor for one of his captains.

♕ Hanma put his helmet on you, tightening the strap under your chin carefully so he wouldn't pinch your delicate skin.

♕ He was so pissed when he noticed how pretty your eyes were, staring so intently back into his. He had to shake himself out of the distraction.

♕ "You're not wearing a helmet, Shuji?" You asked.

♕ "This's the only one I have, obviously. And you're going to wear it, got it?" He was so adamant about that.

♕ He got you settled in the helmet and threw his leg over his bike. Looking at you impatiently, waiting for you to get on, he put his hand out and you took it.

♕ You hopped on behind him and wrapped your arms around his straight waistline. And you're not sure if your heart skipped a beat because you were so nervous about being on the back of a motorcycle with him for the first time or if it was how you felt with your cheek pressed to his back

♕ He also noticed how nice your arms felt wrapped around him. He turned his head before he took off and told you you'd better hold on tighter, he doesn't drive like a 30 year old.

♕ Hanma thought he turned his head enough from your line of vision before he smiled. But you saw it.

♕ So you did what he asked and squeezed him tighter, pressing your chest harder against his back.

♕ He started the engine and the vibrations sent shockwaves throughout your cunt body like you've never experienced.

♕ Both you and Hanma thought it wasn't possible for you to get any closer to him, but you both somehow managed to impress the other.

♕ He was at a stoplight about 3 blocks from your house and he reached back to give your thigh a little pat.

♕ "Hold on to me, hana. I'm gonna go like hell when I see that light turn green."

♕ His hand stayed on your thigh even after he took off. Stayed there for so long, actually, that you were getting concerned about the upcoming turn in the road. But he pulled his hand forward just in time to take it with ease.

♕ The wind against your face that carried his scent - which you could NOT place, (Sandlewood? Cedar? It was DELICIOUS to say the least) was starting to make you feel drunk.

♕ You could just barely hear the music playing through the small (but strangely loud) speakers --- Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away), Deftones. You had heard the song before and liked it but now it held a certain heaviness over you. Everything about this moment felt right. The night was warm. The stars were out.

♕ How the fuck had you not realized this before?

♕ Hanma is ... he's fucking sexy.

♕ He pulled up to your place and he stopped the bike, letting it idle while sitting in your driveway.

♕ "Ok, you have arrived at your destination. You're welcome, for the ride of your life." He seemed a little more lighthearted now than when he first was roped into taking you home.

♕ "Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Um, thanks. Do you - maybe ... want some ..." you just couldn't fucking talk. He looked so handsome in the soft yellow lights that lined the street.

♕ "You got some food? I could eat, yeah." He kicked the bike stand out and turned it off and reached up to remove his helmet from your head.

♕ If he missed the blush that washed over your face he'd have to be a blind man. But you noticed a faint smile on him, too. So you think he caught it.

♕ "What do you feel like? I just went shopping and I'm fully stocked." You stood with your back to him, he was in the living room looking around at the shit you had all over your walls. Weird art that made him feel things. Stuff he's never thought himself capable of feeling - not bad things, either. But new things.

♕ And you felt comfortable with all of this. Knowing he was in another room than you. Except, he wasn't in the living room anymore. He was right fucking behind you. You stopped to look up into the cupboard you stood in front of to see what was there, if it was easy and quick to fix up.

♕ He reached out and traced the curve of your waist and leaned in, putting his face to the back of your head. "You going to feed me, y/n?"

♕ Your first thought was who's going to perform CPR on your right now because you're about to die. His breath was so hot on the back of your neck you were able to document the time that your heart actually stopped beating for a second.

♕ Hanma put his hands on your shoulders and ran them down your arms. When he got to your wrists, he pulled them behind your back more roughly than you've ever been touched by any man before.

♕ And he's so much taller than you, so he has to bend over so he can talk right into your ear.

♕ "I'm sure it's ready for me to eat right now. Not much prep is going to be required. I guess, in a way, you could almost call it fast food?" He yanked you so you were standing up straight and your back was flush with his front.

♕ You didn't know what to do with your hands so you just left them where he placed them. He had his free hand back on your waist, squeezing and exploring.

♕ "I don't think I've ever wanted something so bad as I do right now, hana." He said, letting his fingers dip lower and lower. You threw your head back and it fit into the dip between his neck and shoulder.

♕ You couldn't help but think he was such a fucking gentleman, waiting for your permission before he took anything. You leaned back against his chest and turned your head to kiss him. "Then take ... take it. Take what you want, Shuji. Take it all."

♕ Hanma's hand went back up to your throat and squeezed just enough to make you gasp.

♕ He leaned around and pressed his mouth to the corners of your lips, teasing you into giving yourself fully over to the kiss and sliding his tongue down your jawline to your neck. Ending up at your ear once more.

♕ "Good girl, hana. You're so wet for me right now, I can fucking smell it. Tell me what you want me to take. Hm? You want me to take you? You're going to be so good for me. Or maybe not? Maybe you're just going to be a nasty ... little ... bitch. I think I'd like to see that. This sweet girl act you put on. I've seen you walking around like you're just the best thing around here. Well? You going to prove that to me, hana? Huh?" He said, his voice dropping an octave as he ran his hand down your stomach and dipped his fingers into your panties.

♕ He moaned into your ear, "Oh fuck, hana. You're dripping for me. I'm going to fucking ruin you."

♕ He turned you around more roughly than he had to and hoisted you onto the counter, yanking your pants down and kneeling down before you, inhaling your scent. Deeply.

♕ Hanma looked up at you with such fire in his eyes, you couldn't help but feel a little intimidated. He traced his finger over your pussy, feeling your wetness before leaning forward and dragging his tongue over the same invisible line his finger forged on your trembling skin.

♕ You arched your back and gasped as he brushed his lips against your thighs. You could feel how heavy his breathing had gotten. He pushed one finger passed your folds, then two, and you could feel yourself tightening around him.

♕ "Shu, f-fuck. Please, I need ... I need ..."

♕ He looked up at you with his eyebrows raised. "What do you need, hana. Use your words."

♕ You reached down and grabbed him by the ears, pulling him up to your face. "I ... fuck me, Shuji." You kissed him, tasting yourself on him.

♕ Hanma didn't waste a second. He pulled you off the counter and dragged you into your bedroom. You turned around and yanked at his belt buckle, pulling it from the loops all at once and threw it across the room, unzipping his pants and pulling them down.

♕ He leaned you over the bed, spreading your legs and reaching up to squeeze your ass. You looked back at him, wanting him to fill you up.

♕ Hanma rubbed his tip up and down your slit, teasing you. "Shuji just ... just fuck me."

♕ You were so whiny and needy. It was making him so hard. He wanted to fuck you right then and there. To give you what you were so desperately and metaphorically, on your knees for.

♕ But the sadist in him, found it hard to acknowledge your pleas so soon. He didn't want you to work for this, per se. But he wanted to make good and damn sure you wanted him as much as he wanted you. So what if he had to deny himself instant gratification. The look on your sweet, flushed face was already worth having to drag this out.

♕ "You've been so good for me, hana. I'm going to give you exactly what you need. But I don't want you to come too soon." He said, smirking as he pulled you back to your feet and turned you around, pressing his hands into your shoulders until you were on your knees.

♕ Hanma reached down and pulled his cock out of his boxers and he patted your chin a few times. Urging your mouth to open so he could slap it on your tongue before pushing his tip into your mouth. You let him guide you as you took him down your throat. He kept his eyes on you, watching as you struggled to take him all the way in.

♕ "Fuck, y/n. Look at you. Taking me like a good little slut. I knew you were going to act like a little bitch in heat. Choking down my cock like that." He praised you through gritted teeth. Despite sounding so volatile, it made you feel so good to be used by him this way.

♕ He pulled out of your mouth and pushed you back onto the bed, flipping you over onto your stomach. He pulled your hips up and guided his tip into you, slowly pushing himself in until he was all the way inside you.

♕ Hanma held himself there for a minute, feeling you tighten around him. He started moving again, in and out of you.

♕ You felt like you were on the edge of an orgasm with every thrust. The disgusting way he used you for his own pleasure and the way he spoke to you was driving you mad.

♕ "Shuji, fuck ... I'm gonna cum."

♕ He pulled out and turned you onto your back. He spread your legs apart and leaned over you, pushing himself back inside you and pressing his lips to yours.

♕ "Yeah? How close? How close are you?" He dragged his teeth over your ear and on down to your visibly beating pulse point and left a purple mark in his wake. You clenched up around his cock so hard when he did this that he had to stop moving and pull himself together. "Fuck! Hana! Keep that shit up and this is over. I'm fucking finished."

♕ He thrust into you harder, his balls slapping against your ass wasn't helping you hold off cumming all over him. You felt your orgasm building up inside you. You reached down to rub your clit, but he saw where your fingers were aiming and he brushed your hand aside and started rubbing soft circles on it for you. It made you moan - the most whorish, slutty sound you have ever let out.

♕ It was out of your control at this point. His dick pounding inside of you, hitting all the right spots at all the right times was making you more cock-drunk than you have ever felt. If you could even consider yourself aware of anything other than his golden eyes burning holes into yours and the rise and fall of his hips against your spread legs.

♕ Your cunt swallowed his cock so perfectly. The thought crossed your mind that you were made for each other. But that's ridiculous. Hanma hates you. Right? He didn't even want to take you home. So why, then, is he balls deep inside of you right now. Don't fucking ask, you thought to yourself. Doing any and every little thing you could to stave off your imminent crash.

♕ He could see your eyes start to roll back and he knew what was happening. He pressed his thumb harder against your clit and started circling it faster.

♕ "Cum for me, hana. Show me how much you wanted this, how much you wanted my cock inside of you." He sucked on your nipple as he fucked you. Balancing over you on his left hand, his right hand still trifling with your pulsing clit. You tried to buck up against him for any extra stimulation but he only pulled back. "Aht! I make you cum. You ... you let me. Understand, hana? I ... make ... you ... cum." He growled through his clenched jaw directly into your ear. Punctuating each word with driving his hips harder and harder against you.

♕ You couldn't hold it in anymore. You came so hard and you didn't even care that he was watching you so closely. You let your body relax and gave in to the moment. You'd pretty much checked out mentally, but whatever connection remained between your brain and your body was otherworldly. You felt his cock sliding in and out of your soaked cunt. It was so thick and long. Nothing like you imagined it would be by just looking at his tall, thin frame. (But aren't those guys always the wildcard?) It was all you could focus on.

♕ Hanma was ready to cum, too. He pulled out of you and turned you over onto your stomach again. He slapped his wet cock against your ass before pushing back into your pussy, making you moan into the sheets.

♕ You were still twitching against him. As close as he was to blowing his sticky load of cum inside of you, as hard as his cock was twitching, he was so transfixed by how you felt around him. So fucking hot. So fucking soft. So fucking beautiful. Like a goddamn flower. Your pussy made him think of the most beautiful flower and nothing would ever change his mind about that. (And he would never figure out why - but he wondered if it had to do with the weird art in your living room).

♕ "Fuck, hana. Fuck!Fuck!Fuck! You want me to cum inside this pussy? Want me to cum in my pussy, huh? Yeah? Fuck, cumming so fuck- hard, holy shit. Fuck!" Hanma came with such force, you could feel his cum pouring into you. And soon after, seeping out of you from around his cock still inside of your stretched hole. He collapsed on top of you, both of you breathing heavily. He didn't want to move, not yet.

♕ And he felt like it should bother him that he was still here with you. Still, physically, a part of you, as much as you were a part of him. But he couldn't think of a single reason why he should leave. Let alone why he'd want to leave.

♕ "Shu, you ... I ... well," you tried to speak but couldn't form a coherent thought just yet. "Um," it was useless. You couldn't think. So you just laid there underneath him. Feeling more and more empty with each passing second as the sadness of this being over filled you instead feeling full from Hanma. It was not a good placeholder for him. It was not feeling nearly as good as he did. And you felt like crying.

♕ Whether because it was just too much for you or it was just nothing to him. What if it were both? Shit. You're starting to cry.

♕ He felt you tremble underneath him and he rolled off of you, turning you over to face him.

♕ "Hey, what's wrong? Hana? Look at me, now. Did I hurt you? Did I do something?" He looked more concerned that irritated. And that's probably what surprised you the most. You tried to hide your face, but he grabbed your chin and pulled you back.

♕ "No, it's ... it's nothing. I just ... it was too much. You were too good." You said, laughing hard through the tears, wholly embarrassed by your generous assessment.

♕ "Oh, what now?" Hanma smiled and kissed you on the forehead. He reached down and grabbed your hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. "You say I was too good? Were you even here? I mean ... I guess it's impossible for you to feel yourself. But, I guess ... I guess I'm only as good as who I'm with? And, hana," he cupped your face in his rough, slightly grease stained and scarred hand, "you were good, too."

♕ You laughed again, shaking your head. "Don't ... don't be nice to me. I can't handle it. And that's not even ... you don't have to say that to me. I know you don't like me. You can't fucking stand me. I knew all of this when I asked your captain to make you give me a ride. How embarrassing is that. I fucking am so pathetic sometimes." You rubbed your eyes with the heel of your palm. "God. You can go. You don't have to stay. It's alright. I'm ... I'll be ... fine. I always am."

♕ Hanma sat up on his elbow, looking down at you with his brow furrowed. "Hana. I can't believe you're this stupid." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked out into the hallway.

♕ "Shuji! Who the fuck is Hana? And why do you keep calling me that? My name is-" great, now you look sad and insane.

♕ "Chill, crazy. Hana means blossom. And I think, ffffuck. Ithinkyou'reprettylikeaflowerplusyourpussyispretty." His words ran together but you heard every single separate syllable. You're pretty sure you fell in love with him a little bit, too. The fucker.

♕ He leaned over you again, pressing his lips to yours. You moaned against his mouth and reached to grab his cock, but he stopped you. "No. I wanna make you feel good. It's your turn." He kissed your neck and made his way down to your pussy, licking up his own cum that had dripped out of you. You bucked your hips up into his face, reaching down to grab a fistful of his hair.

♕ He looked up at you with wide eyes, smirking. "Hold on, hana. I got you." He sucked your clit between his lips, pressing his tongue against it and making you cry out in pleasure. He pushed two fingers into your pussy and started pumping them in and out of you, hitting your g-spot while he circled your clit with the tip of his tongue.

♕ "Fuck, Shu! Fuck me!" You screamed.

♕ He looked up at you with his eyelids still heavy. "That's what I'm trying to do, baby." He said, chuckling. "Just this time, it's with my mouth. Ok? So sit back and enjoy the ride." He leaned back down and continued sucking and licking and pumping you until you couldn't hold on anymore. You came for him, all over his face. And he didn't seem to mind one bit.

♕ He crawled up to you and laid beside you again. You looked over at him and smiled. "You're such an asshole. But I kind of like you."

♕ He leaned over and kissed you, letting you taste yourself on him. Again. "No shit? I've liked you for a while. But I ... hell, I don't know. I guess I thought you were too good for me or something." He put his head against your chest, subconsciously counting the heartbeats coming from your body. "That's usually what people tell me. The guys and stuff. They always give me shit about anyone I like. Except ... except for you. They respect you."

♕ You nodded slowly, spacing out on the chunk of blond hair above his forehead. "Yeah, it helps having a cousin who's a captain. But Shuji, I do. I really do like you. I just wanted you to know that."

♕ Hanma looked up at you with a softness in his eyes you had never seen before. "I know, hana. I know." He kissed you again, pulling the sheet over both of you. He didn't want you to see him get worked up. Not over you. Not emotionally. Not just yet. But he was pretty sure he was starting to fall in love with you. And that was just something he wasn't prepared for. Though he'd have to face up to it. Sooner, rather than later, he thought.

♕ He turned over onto his back and let you snuggle up next to him, throwing your arm over his chest. He closed his eyes, thinking about how much he'd like to do this again. Just like this. Just you.

♕ You reached over and turned off the lamp, laying your head against his chest and simply being in the darkened room with him. It was so easy, you thought. And you hoped it would always be that way, though you knew better than to believe that. Because Hanma was a very complicated man on the outside and inside. And you wanted to be the one who could be there to understand him. The one who could get to know him. The one who could make him laugh and cry and feel any and everything he ever wanted to feel. You wanted to be the one who'd be there to listen to anything he had to say. Softly spoken or screamed out.

♕ And that's all you wanted. To be there for him. And with him. And with him.

♕ "Good night, little hana." He said, pulling you tighter against him.

♕ "Good night, beautiful Shuji." You smiled in the darkness and drifted off to sleep.

♕ And you didn't care how much you'd regret saying it or how much you'd try to deny it. It was true. You were in love with him. And you knew it would be some time before he could admit he felt the same way. But you would give him whatever amount of time he needed.

♕ He hoped he would be worth it. Hanma wasn't necessarily a good man. He has never been called a good man. Never has he ever really felt like one.

♕ But he heard you talking to him in the morning before you got out of bed to fix the coffee. Telling him how you'd be there for him as best you could. No matter what.

♕ He thought to himself that he hoped he'd never disappoint you. No matter what.

Taglist ::: @katkitkats @darkstarlight82 @arlerts-angel @viburnt @kazutora-kurokawa

[ssalballoon]

i wanna get better at art but dont know how to start ^^' whats a good way to get into studying anatomy and improving as an artist? tysm 💗 love your art soso much

more art converts 😼 yay!!

i think these asks were sent by different people but they're pretty related + a lot of my advice is the same! so i'll answer these together under the cut (it's so long oh gosh)

ok first of all i'm very flattered that people are asking me for art advice but i'm really not the most equipped person to ask TTOTT I've never been deliberately studious with my art so I feel bad offering advice when I've mostly gotten by with just drawing fanart and ocs a lot... my rate of improvement has therefore been slow, but I've still had an enjoyable learning experience so perhaps from that angle my input may help! i'll mainly refer you to external resources that have helped me

For anatomy + drawing humans:

1) I know I'm not diligent enough to sit down and study muscles, so instead I make it more enjoyable by drawing my favorite characters in a pose that targets the muscles I want to practice! (i default to drawing ppl naked because of this lol) This isn't the most efficient, but it serves as good motivation to get practice in. (honestly a lot of my general art advice has the undercurrent of becoming so obsessed with characters to drive your motivation to draw even when artblocked/ struggling with doubts!)

2) I want to refer you to Sinix's Anatomy playlist! Although Sinix focuses more on digital painting, he gives simplified anatomy breakdowns that include how muscles change shape under different movements/poses, which is crucial for natural human posing. the static anatomy diagrams from Google don't really help for that

3) What's just as important as anatomy is gestures! (especially important if you're used to drawing non-human objects I think!) Making figures look like they have flow to them will sell the "naturalness"(?) to your anatomy. If you have in person life drawing sessions accessible near you I'd recommend trying those out, or if you prefer trying it digitally there's this website!

This helps you not only get a sense of human proportions, but also natural posing! I'd limit the time taken to draw the poses from like 10 seconds to 1 minute(?) for quick gestures, and maybe 1 minute to 5mins(for now!! typically they go much longer) to study human proportions. I'd say don't spend a lot of time on them, repetition is more important!

4) I've also picked up on useful anatomy tidbits from artists online! Looking at how practiced/ professional artists stylize a body helps me focus on what the essential details are to convey a particular form (looking up "human muscles" and being hit with anatomy diagrams full of all the smallest details can be overwhelming! what do you even focus on?! so these educated simplifications really help me) Like Emilio Dekure's work! Look how simplified these figures are, and yet contain all the essential information to convey the sense of accurate form (even though it's highly exaggerated!)

(shamefully admits I've never studied from actual anatomy books so I can't recommend anything in that sense TTOTT)

For general improvement:

1) I highly recommend Sinix's Design Theory playlist and Paintover Pals! (+ his channel in general) You don't have to put them immediately into practice, but I think these are good fundamental lessons to just listen to and have them in the back of your mind to revisit another day. Plus these videos are just fun and very approachable! Design theory fundamentals are essential to creating appeal and directing a viewer's attention, and critiquing others' work/ seeing his suggestions are a good way to practice noticing areas of improvement+ solutions yourself!

2) If you prefer a more formal teaching resource, the Drawabox YouTube course covers all the basic fundamentals of drawing in short lessons. But honestly if I were starting out, this would be a little intimidating for me (and even now it still is! I haven't done all of them) But even if you don't watch them, the titles should give you an idea of the basic concepts that are valuable to pick up. I think it would be nice to keep in mind and revisit once in a while as you learn!

(One lesson I do encourage you to watch is the line control one! A confident continuous line conveys motion and flow much better compared to discontinuous frayed lines which I think is good to practice early by drawing from the wrist and shoulder)

3) As a universal piece of advice: Please please please use references! Use a reference for literally everything, observing is how we learn! You'll find that a lot of things you thought you knew what they looked like are inaccurate by memory alone. Also, trace! This is solely for your practice, tracing then freehanding has helped me grasp proportions when I was struggling! (of course don't post these online if you traced from art)

I've found that being able to compile references into easy to access boards has been very helpful in encouraging me to use references more. For PC, I think they use PureRef (free/pay what you want), and for iPad I use VizRef. VizRef is a one time purchase (which was definitely worth the $3.99 USD price imo)

4) On that note, try building up the habit to observe from media + real life and make purposeful comments about what you see! Like hey, when I bend my knee, the muscles/fat in my thighs and calves bulge outwards, I should draw that next time. Purposeful observation carries over to your overall visual library, and it's a little thing that adds up over time

5) For motivation, get into media you really enjoy, or make your own characters! The way I started art more seriously was by drawing fanart + OCs from anime that I liked ^^ For OCs it really encourages you to draw more because you're the primary creator of their art! Also you gotta see a lot of good art to make good art! Watching visually appealing media (like animation with appealing stylization/simplification) can passively help you learn just by observation.

ok wow I could go on but this is already a lot of information TTOTT my main aim for this reply is basically: don't let anything discourage you from learning to draw!! drawing is so fun and brings me a lot of joy ^^ practicing often will of course help you improve, and the way to incentivize that is by having fun with it! i hope this could help!💞

[goodluckclove]

Various "Failures" From My Google Docs

Good morning! I'm at my usual coffee shop and got inspired by the troubles of a few friends to embarrass myself.

Sit down with me. I'm enjoying my usual blended chai. There's room on the couch if you'd like to join me.

So I've written thirteen novels. I think thirteen, I've actually lost count. Let's say, like, five full-length plays and twelve to fourteen finished novels. Impressive, right? Maybe. I'm realizing that I consider that not much of a brag, if only because I know the amount of trips and stumbles it took to get to one completed project.

I've ditched a lot of ideas. A lot. If I need to I can dig into my old hard drives to find all the doc files from my youth, but I also have the same Google Docs I've had since middle school.

It's mostly plays and ghostwriting assignments, but if you did you'll find some snippets from my constant attempts at growth.

Some stuff like this is okay. The line "hair slicked back/suit black silk" is pretty good, but a little too the writer thinks they're clever for me now. I don't really remember where I planned to go with this. I think the narrator was somehow going to be given the identity of Roy Fontaine. I was really fixated on the surname Fontaine at the time. I don't know why.

But then there's also a lot of stuff like this:

Hey look it's Fontaine again! I guess he's a doctor, too! Also I am astounded by how casually the main character just pulls out the Necronomicon. He pulls it out? From where? His pocket? Is it a zine?

I don't know why, but something about how suddenly this jumps in terms of dropping specifics makes me think that Sonic the Hedgehog is about to show up. I can't explain it.

This is the only thing in a Doc titled "Psychosis". I have zero memory of what I was planning on doing with this. What's kind of crazy though is that I wrote this in 2014, and six years later I'll use essentially this exact bit in a finished novel without even realizing it.

Another bit from 2014. No clue what I planned to do with this. It's hilarious to me that something stopped me from finishing the sentence. What am I, Franz Kafka writing The Tower? I didn't die. I wasn't raptured. I just apparently tried to think of something a large oak door would do and immediately gave up. It was 2014 I had finished, like, four novels. And this idea was fully stalled by what had to be a fucking huge oak door.

My favorite part of this radio play I tried to write is that somehow, believe it or not - when I wrote this I did not fully understand the Quantum Suicide thought experiment. And for along time I still kind of thought that this could be salvaged into a good idea, until last night when I asked my wife to put on a video describing the experiment and I immediately found it so dumb. Just ridiculously stupid. The only good thing about Quantum Mickey is that the title kicks ass and I'm definitely keeping it for something.

I've written a lot. A lot. I've earned the severity of carpal tunnel I currently have. If I had to put it into a statistic, I'd say maybe seventy percent ends up finished. fifty percent ends up polished to be read or published. Thirty percent actually ends up being read or published. I'm okay with this, because I enjoy the work. But for me, part of enjoying the work is not panicking when a project doing work.

If I need to end a project in the middle of a sentence, I do. I've clearly proven that I do. Sometimes I write for thirty pages and lose interest, other times I get a paragraph in and get distracted forever. That's okay.

That's okay. As long as you're doing something.

I could've included segments of Carnation, my first novella that was supposed to be a novel but I never finished it. But I fucking guess that's getting it's own post when I hit 150 followers so I hope you're prepared for what the type of stuff I enjoyed in middle school.

There's an Irish child that speaks exclusively in slang. You aren't ready.

[beechicory]

Seb, a few days before his final race, did a fascinating interview discussing many, many things, including:

his decision to retire being for him

the World Cup in Qatar (and when, or if, sports should go there)

sportswashing and flowery words, and

the need for F1 to put its money where its flowery words are in terms of improving human rights

that human rights, and projects to improve human rights, require funding $$$ and actions, not words and photo-ops

that F1 must be be a) transparent, and b) accountable about the money it gets and where that money goes

It's a really good discussion, and he's really thoughtful - I think that even if one were to disagree with his conclusions, you'd leave recognising his logic and sincerity (and moral conviction).

The interview, with Philipp Schneider of Süddeutsche Zeitung, was difficult to get access to (here's a link to it on archive.ph) so I'm posting the google-translated text behind the Read More. (As always when something is google-translated, we're probably missing some nuance, etc)

I really recommend reading it!

Tw for discussion of homophobia, etc.

-----------------

Conversation with Sebastian Vettel

"I want to experience happiness without having to drive for it"

Nov 18, 2022 at 6:51 p.m

Before his last race, Sebastian Vettel talks about the reasons for the end of his career, the driver's dependence on the car and material - and makes demands on Fifa and Formula 1.

SZ: Mr. Vettel, a face-to-face meeting was originally planned. Now we can at least connect by phone. That saves CO2 emissions and should be in your interest, right?

Sebastian Vettel: Absolutely. That's how it works wonderfully.

Your Formula 1 career ends on Sunday with a final race in Abu Dhabi . And a lot of people get excited because they want to know what you're going to do in the future. Does that surprise you?

Luckily, my decision doesn't affect the people, it affects me. And it's not like I got up in the morning and thought: like that! Now is the time to stop. I've been thinking about this for a long time. And even if I can't say exactly what comes after that - I'm looking forward to what comes after that!

Good to hear.

At some point, every athlete reaches the point where their career can no longer continue, for whatever reason, whether self-chosen or not. I'm not super special in that regard. The big task for me will be to find something that gives me the same level of satisfaction as I did in the years in Formula 1. One thing is certain: the big adrenaline rush and the feeling of sitting in the car will no longer exist. But that was clear to me.

We have a theory as to where the keen interest in your post-career life comes from.

How does it look?

We don't know of any professional athlete who has ever pushed his career with so much momentum during his active time. Lately one had the feeling that you are more often in the beehive than in the car and more of a political ambassador than a racing driver!

yes, good Maybe that's because there's not much to celebrate for me on the track at the moment. The sporting success in recent years has not been so outstanding that one could have said or written much about it.

You are not only leaving Formula 1 as a four-time world champion, but also as an important eyewitness. What do you think has changed the most in the past 15 years?

I think the sport, the genetics or what defines the sport is probably unchanged since Formula 1 came along. Yes, cars are changing, and so are people. But the core of Formula 1 has remained the same. I still love this sport, since I was little I've done nothing else, dreamed of nothing else, nothing else has ever really driven me. So what's different? The dimensions of the sport have grown enormously in recent years. So internationally, in Germany Formula 1 has shrunk.

Is that how you perceive it?

Formula 1 was far bigger in Germany when I started. And of course it was greatest when the boom years around Michael (Schumacher, editor's note) were around, in the mid-nineties, early 2000. Then there was another strong wave at my most successful time. But after that, interest in Germany decreased significantly.

Why is that?

On the one hand, because not all races are broadcast on free TV. But there is another important point: I am afraid that Germany is only a pioneer in terms of its view of Formula 1. There are simply more and more important issues that are coming to the fore. And that's why the question of the relevance of Formula 1 arises for many people.

But are you still a fan?

Naturally! I'm totally euphoric about our sport! That's exactly why I see how important it is to look at him critically. The way we deal with resources is not a role model, we should be much more economical. If that is not the case soon, the question will quickly arise around the world as to whether Formula 1 is still viable. And then interest should decrease everywhere, as has already happened in Germany.

Exciting theory. The general perception is rather: Formula 1 is going through the roof everywhere, just not in Germany and Brazil, because people there don't want to spend money on pay TV.

The problem is deeper. We as a society do not want to underestimate the emergency we are in. In the decades to come, we will increasingly have to ask ourselves the question: What is still possible, what can we still afford? And every sport then has to justify itself for the way in which it is played.

So not just Formula 1?

Not at all. Us first, of course, because in our sport we drive around, burn resources and still need fossil fuels. But a football World Cup, the Olympic Games, the Bundesliga too: every major event has to reinvent itself and see how it can leave a smaller footprint.

From ecological to sporting criticism: The season began with a technology amendment that was announced with great pomp and aimed at pushing the field closer together. Why has the season turned out to be the most one-sided in years?

After big rule changes there is often a gap between a top team and the rest. The goal was to make overtaking and the show better and to make it easier for us to overtake. It's gotten a little better, but the big revolution that was announced with the new rules didn't materialize. It would have been better for the sport this season to have left the rules as they were. However, a process has been started that has the potential to bring the field closer together in the coming years. Also thanks to the budget cap, not only the teams with a lot or a lot of money will win in the long term, but also the smaller teams. However, this will only happen in a horizon of five years.

It was far more exciting in 2010: you only snagged your first title in the last race. Has Abu Dhabi been a happy place for you since then?

(laughs) Well, the racetrack and what happened on the racetrack, yes! I have many fond memories of winning the 2010 World Cup. It doesn't feel like yesterday. And a lot has happened since then.

Red Bull boss Dietrich Mateschitz then said that the way to the world championship title in the next few years would only be through you. And adds: Provided he's in the right car. The sentence was prophetic: it included all the titles that followed, but also your sometimes dreary years in worse cars. A driver drives the competition to the ground in the Red Bull and fails to win a title after switching to Ferrari and Aston Martin . Do you understand critics who say: what kind of sport is that?

The dependency of a driver on the team and material is actually enormous. But even in the Bundesliga you don't really have a chance of winning the championship if you're not FC Bayern.

The difference, however, is that while a player can shine on a bad football team, it's much harder on a Haas or Aston Martin.

Formula 1 has always been like this. In the fifties, in the seventies, and it's still like that today. From this point of view, however, the past few years have been very instructive for me. In the beginning, my aspirations in Formula 1 were very much focused on success. And then success came, very quickly and very powerfully. I rode the wave for as long as the wave was available.

A wave called Red Bull , on which you won four world titles...

Well, and then in the last few years the water has been under my board (laughs) ... or the wind has been taken out of my sails. But that doesn't mean my efforts are any smaller. I learned that there is a midfield and a backfield that I didn't bother with that much before because it was too far away. In any case, something interesting also happens there: the efforts are just as great, but the reward is completely absent.

Completely?

I would say yes. And that is of course a very, very hard bread for the motivation of the teams and also the drivers. They bob around in the back for years, go unnoticed and hope that they will take the small chance to shine when they present themselves. They are not only dependent on their motivation, their skills and talent - but also on the surrounding environment. It takes a bit of luck to be in the right place at the right time. The past few years have shaped me in this respect and taught me a lot, including about myself. In that respect, I don't want to do without them, even if I could have given them all away from a sporting point of view.

When we spoke in 2018, you said: your dream isn't finished yet, you still wanted to be world champion in a red car like your role model Michael Schumacher. Do you now console yourself with the belief that you had no chance of winning the Ferrari title?

We did not make it. So I could say: We didn't stand a chance. Or I could torture myself and ask: what was missing from the car? What slowed us down in development? What was perhaps structurally not ideal? You could have recognized some things and saved yourself some mistakes. But it wasn't like that. We tried everything as a team and gave everything. Even in hindsight, it doesn't feel like I left anything behind or that I was completely off track. Yes, I think unfortunately we didn't have a real chance to fight to the end.

Because Mercedes was too powerful?

You have to be fair enough to accept that the Mercedes- Lewis Hamilton package was the best. They had a better pace of development and therefore drove better than us. Which of course is a shame. I think I can live with that now as well as with the question of whether this is the right time for me to say goodbye. Or whether it might have needed another sense of achievement.

The question then arises as to what a sense of achievement in the Aston Martin could even look like.

What is the right time? Do you need a title to finish? A won race? A fastest lap? Any climax? Those are all questions I asked myself. It's not my fault if people expect something just because it would have been a nicer story. Or when they nag because they think my career is not smooth because I drive around the back and quit anyway. I'm the only one who has to live or deal with my situation. And after all these years I know exactly what I can do. I know what it takes to win races. And I know I don't have any of that right now. I'm still so confident in myself that I say: If I'm in the right package and have the right attitude, then I can get back up there at the front. Still.

When Nico Rosberg retired after his only title, not everyone was pleased either: critics said he fled because he felt he would never defeat Lewis Hamilton again.

Even. The length of time after your career is so infinitely long. Definitely wanting to win another title is not a recipe for success for the 40 or 50 years that follow. And I was lucky enough to be able to celebrate so many titles that I don't even know which one was the best. Just because you stopped with a title doesn't mean your career after your career will be 100 percent great.

After all, Nico Rosberg made it into the TV show The Lion's Den. But because you so often talk about your career after your career and recently said in Der Spiegel that you wanted to do it like Stefan Raab: just finish and then go underground. Anyone who has followed your activities beyond the race track will understand: you want to do things differently than Stefan Raab. They create a new stage for themselves so as not to disappear afterwards.

(laughs) Time will tell. I just said that I admire it when someone manages to transform their life in such a way that they say: I don't need any of this anymore! Maybe you can now simply bring your experience, your strengths and also your knowledge, which you have brought to bear in front of the camera over the years, behind the camera. So maybe you still work in the same profession, but you don't need the limelight as much anymore.

Fortunately, more people work behind the camera than in front of the camera in Formula 1 anyway.

Honestly, I wish I could find something I'm happy with. I want to experience good luck without having to drive (laughs) .

But to your legacy as a critic of Formula 1: Formula 1 is expanding into more and more countries where human rights are not respected. Football fans are protesting in the stadiums against the World Cup, which begins in Qatar on Sunday . Are motorsport fans less political?

Good question. In controversial countries like Qatar, football was kicked off ten years ago. There may not have been a World Cup yet, but that's where clubs held their winter camps.

FC Bayern has been going to Qatar regularly for years.

For example. We as Formula 1 have been organizing races in these countries for a long time. I think our world should keep evolving. That's why certain things can no longer be considered okay.

Qatar's World Cup ambassador described being gay as "mental damage" in front of the camera in a ZDF documentary.

That is not how it works! This is outrageous!

The mantra of the Qatari whitewashers that society is becoming more liberal, you just have to keep going there, organize big events and wait a few years - isn't that obviously a misconception?

Might be. But Formula 1 is booming internationally and is opening up to a younger audience thanks to the Netflix series "Drive to Survive". And when these young people come to the races, they may hear from other spectators that unbearable tone that many women, for example, suffer from. Then the young people can raise their voices and say: Hey, that's not possible! And this is how debates may arise that will help society as a whole. What is definitely no longer possible: that someone in a country where there are human rights violations talks their way out; For example with the argument: "That's just the way it is with us. Get over it!"

Isn't it naïve to believe that such a change is taking place?

That's why I specifically demand that sport should give itself a compass, set up a moral code and then stick to it. There it is then precisely determined what the basic political requirements must be in order for sport to be allowed to take place in a country. Certain things and certain countries are simply no longer there. Too much is too much. And then we say no as Formula 1 or FIFA . And don't just nod politely and take the money or help us with any other perks the country might offer.

For example, it could say: Don't drive in countries where critical journalists are cut up with bone saws. Formula 1 has signed a ten-year contract with Saudi Arabia.

Again: homophobic comments like that of the World Cup ambassador are absolutely unacceptable. And it puts the athletes in an extremely difficult situation: us drivers in Formula One, but also the players who will take part in the World Cup. You all have to ask yourself a very difficult question: Can I or am I even allowed to practice my sport in this place?

Your Answer?

You can't expect the players to get together and decide: We're skipping this moment, this unique feature in our lives, playing a World Cup, for political reasons. On the other hand, that would be an extremely good sign. It's difficult for the players, but easier for the spectators. You just couldn't look. I myself really enjoy watching football and I love European and World Cups. But sometimes I think: If I don't watch now, don't I also punish all the players who do their best for themselves and their team and are passionate about their sport? But when I think about it that way...

Then?

If statements like those of the World Cup ambassador are made, then we simply shouldn't go to Qatar! The saying was more than backward-looking. The sport, the whole association should say: This is not the right place to do sport there.

Especially since the ambassador still gets money to show as friendly a face as possible to the outside world. He proves that nothing gets better just because sport is organized.

There's a chance. Even our Western societies have not eaten wisdom with spoons and can now say: Dear country XY, do everything as we do and everything will be fine! We also have things that should be significantly better. But if you want to accelerate change in Qatar or Saudi Arabia, then as a sport we need transparency: we have to publish the unembellished numbers of how much money we collect from the countries. And we have to clearly communicate how much of it flows back into projects that then really drive change there on the ground.

A very large and a very small number.

Allegedly. But as long as these issues remain in the background and are veiled, as long as no one knows how much money is being spent and what is being done with it, we will remain stationary. It also doesn't help if you meet somewhere and take a picture of banging a spade in the ground or planting a tree.

You went karting with young women in Saudi Arabia and published photos of it.

That was only a small gesture, but social change does not come for free. Many important projects cost money. And if a country has plenty of money to attract big sport, then some of it, even a large part, should be used to improve people's lives.

Some problems in Qatar cannot be solved by projects. Homosexuality is forbidden, the ambassador only said what is the law. So shouldn't the code you're asking for it say: don't drive in countries where same-sex lovers are jailed?

Just as. Fifa, Formula 1 and other sports associations should also consistently demand the implementation of the demands that they formulate in flowery words. And then say: You can bid as much money as you want, but we won't come. At the moment it is unfortunately still the case that as an organizer you can get away with it if you take a few nice photos. The fundamental problem is another.

That would?

There is still no authority that can demand consequences if an association does not meet the requirements it sets for itself. Formula 1 has set itself the goal of being climate neutral by 2030. Nice and good. But why can't it be checked by an independent and critical body along the way? To then live with the consequences and possible penalties, whatever they may look like? What happens if Formula 1 takes a wrong turn on the way to climate neutrality and doesn't meet its own demands? Or FIFA on the way to more equality and diversity? Unfortunately, at the moment it's like this: Formula 1 controls Formula 1, and Fifa controls Fifa.

But who should control the big associations?

There are independent instances that deal with all kinds of tests that could be won. But it would help if you didn't just set an abstract goal, but divided the way there into transparent intermediate stages. And then there's the general public, the fans in the stands, journalists reporting on it. And wouldn't that be a very, very broad, international and good control body? So I don't see why a lot of problems can't be solved with transparency.

It's a pity that you drive your last race. Actually, because of your sense of mission, you should be forced to continue to circle until retirement age.

Oh, I do not know ...

With all his love for Fernando Alonso, it is unlikely that he would be interested in anyone other than Fernando Alonso in his old racing days. And there is no one to be seen growing up as a political driver.

Every driver has his or her own issues... Maybe some drivers are still too young. But the climate issue will also come to the fore with them. Even if they don't want to.

After leaving Haas a year ago, Mick Schumacher is without a cockpit in Formula 1. Various driver's seats have become vacant in the past few weeks, but no team boss has thought of Schumacher. How do you explain that his services are not in greater demand?

It would be a shame for the sport if it lost Mick. We talked about the fact that in some cars you can't shine as a driver. And sometimes a driver and his car don't go together at all. Mick has had a difficult year, but has set his highlights and accents. As high as you sometimes fly in Formula 1, you can quickly fall again. Basically, you are never as good as people say you are. But you're never as bad as people say you are. Of course, I wish that Mick stays in Formula 1, because that would be very, very important for Germany's motorsport scene .

Nevertheless: You won your first race in the defeated Toro Rosso. Michael Schumacher amazed the world in a Jordan. How do you recognize a talent? And how do you recognize when a talent isn't that great after all?

It's a difficult subject for me: I know Mick better than most drivers and have known for a very long time. He has a lot of potential. Although he may not be the type to get in the car and run into everyone like some people are. Mick is someone who can always improve. This is his gift. But will it then come to the point where he regularly wins and competes for the title? I don't know that. Mick is still too young for such an assessment. I can only hope he gets the time to find out.

[nativestarwrites]

How did you get the idea for your former big bang fic? Anything you want to share about it?

Thank you for the question! I love this wip and I've neglected it far too much! I started thinking about this a few weeks after I got into Ted Lasso last year, it doesn't feel that long ago but apparently it was in June! So I'm a little sketchy on the exact origin but I remember I wanted to write something that dealt with the scene in the finale with his father in a less superficial way.

The fic is more or less built around this line by James in my version of that rehab meeting.

"‘They won’t want you when you’re no longer their star player. I’ll always be your dad, but your team won’t be when you’re not playing anymore.”

And a series of events make Jamie start to think there's a kernel of truth to that as the new season starts. Things get worse, and there's some reasons why Jamie doesn't share how he's feeling with the team, but when they find out he learns he has value beyond being the star player and he's still their friend even if he never kicks a winning goal again.

It's sitting at just over 10k but I haven't looked at it for months because When Darkness Falls took over most of my writing time but I do want to go back to it. I think my outlining skills have improved from working on When Darkness Falls so I'd like to see what I can do with it with fresh eyes.

I've put a snip of one of my favourite scene behind the cut, it's just after Jamie's visited his dad right at the start.

He stands in the bright sunshine, flexing his hands compulsively, he doesn’t quite know what to do with them, doesn’t quite know what to do with himself, and he thrusts his fists into his pockets where he feels the warm plastic fob of his car keys inside the pocket. Car. Right. Time to make the long journey back home he guesses, there’s nothing worth sticking around for here.

Except, somehow there’s someone leaning against his car and he must be seeing things because its a very familiar silhouette and he only knows one person daft enough to wear all black and a leather jacket on a hot day like today but it most definitely looks like none other than Roy Kent leaning against his car.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you.” Roy answers. Like they’re in Nelson Road’s car park instead of one that’s a three hour drive away.

“Thought you didn’t agree with me going to see my dad.”

“I didn’t. I don’t. Doesn’t mean I was going to let you do it by yourself though.” Roy pauses and Jamie makes an effort to unclench his hands and relax his shoulders even though there’s every chance that Roy’s already noticed the tension he’s carrying. “How’d it go?”

Jamie shrugs a shoulder. “Dunno what I was expecting.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

This time Roy’s the one relaxing. There’s something about the familiarity of Roy not wanting to talk about emotions that’s actually really fucking comforting to Jamie and his gut unclenches slightly. If there’s one person he can rely on to not make him talk about his emotions it’s Roy.

“You hungry?” Roy asks.

Jamie raises a shoulder in a shrug. Breakfast had been a long time ago and the protein bar he’d had on the way up here hadn’t done much, but he still doesn’t really feel like eating, it’s more a sense that he should eat.

“Good.” Roy replies as if Jamie’s actually given him an answer. “There’s a decent steak place not far from here according to Google.”

“Whatever.”

“Gimme your keys.” Roy orders reaching out a hand with an impatient wiggle.

Jamie mutters control freak under his breath even as he throws the keys to Roy. He’d complain about it more except he really doesn’t fancy driving right now, doesn’t really trust himself behind the wheel if he’s being honest. He didn’t sleep well last night and he feels like its all deciding right now is the time for it to catch up with him.

“Wait, how’d you get here?” He asks as his head swivels around, looking for the black G-Wagon and finding nothing in sight. “Did you—?” But Jamie can’t finish, because the idea that Roy Kent took public transport to get here simply so he could drive Jamie home is too bizarre a thought to say out loud. Roy evidently agrees because he just growls sightly.

“Stop gawping and get in the fucking car."

[sed-victa-catoni]

I've been in a long post drought, so here's one. It's not edited as well as the other ones I've posted, apologies in advance. Here's some thoughts about my hearthome, how I found it, and what I intend to do with that information.

I've had multiple hearthomes over the years, some of which have stuck around and some of which has faded. The one that's most important to me right now is an ill-defined area of modern day rural Nevada, which can be best described as "it's mostly northern Nye County".

Some or all of the blue oval, plus maybe some other places I haven't figured out my relationship to yet.

Most of it is uninhabited, but my relationship to it is definitely within the context of being a human being from there, not any sort of nonhuman desert wildlife. (Humans are a species of desert wildlife, if you ask me!)

I knew my hearthome is in Nevada pretty much as soon as I knew the term existed, but I thought it was in Las Vegas or some other part of the Mojave Desert. As Arcade Gannon, that's where I lived my adult life, so I have a feeling of belonging to that place. Now I classify that as just being... from there, no qualifiers other than "it was in a past life".

I never went to Nye County. It's quite far out of the way from anything else, even in the post-apocalypse. I had never personally lived there when I was messing around on Google Earth and I realized "I've been here before."

It felt familiar to me in the same way your primary school building might feel familiar to you. You probably don't remember the exact layout of everything, and your memory of how it felt to be there is colored by your future experiences and what other people have told you about what you were like as a child.

Nobody can ever truly remember exactly how their past felt, just like I can never truly understand what it's like to live in Nye County or Las Vegas. You remember your past much more than I can remember those places because you have a direct, unbroken, physical connection. I don't.

But I do have those flashes of recognition. The layout of a town feeling right in a way I can't describe. A deep sadness when I look at a point on the map which used to be something and is now barely hanging on, like I was there to watch the old schoolhouse collapse. I knew sagebrush had a smell before anyone told me. When I play Geoguessr, I can sometimes distinguish stretches of highway that look almost identical to other stretches of highway because one of them feels like the way home.

I don't think a past life is what's causing this. My past life in Las Vegas feels different, I can't put my finger on how. I don't feel, right now, as if I am Las Vegan. It's a place I've been before and that I'd love to visit again, and I feel a connection to it, but it's not my home right now.

I'm in the middle of a very long-lasting fictionflicker of someone who *did* live in northern Nye County, but these feelings predate that, and they never lived in this world, 2024. That flicker doesn't explain the feeling of deja vu I get when I look at dashcam videos. They didn't know what a car was. I never drove a car there, but, clear as day, I know I should be driving a car there.

I have a general fascination with rural and remote areas of the United States. I spend a lot of my free time reading about a lot of places, and I'd like to visit them someday. I know this isn't just that interest on a more intense level because my interest is that of an observer. I am a person looking down from above at dots on a map, wishing I could drive in and sit at the bar and ask what stories they tell. Their stories, their bar, their dots, their place, their home.

With very few exceptions, I have not felt as if their story is mine. I've felt as if we are a metaphor for each other, as if their history can be used to lay out my life in a way that makes just a little more sense. I've been able to see similarities between my hometown and other towns, to fit them together in a greater story of what it means to be a Midwesterner or to be American or to be bypassed and forgotten as soon as you aren't useful.

But those are not my story. There's always separation. There is no separation here. The story of this place is my story, when I read it I fit in perfectly. I don't have to go sit at their bar, I am already at my favorite bar, metaphorically.

For now, I am Nevadan. I've never lived there, and I will probably never live there. That's okay. I'm a multifaceted person. Nye County is a place that calls out to me, but I have other places I need to attend to. It'd probably make me feel worse to spend a lot of time there and realize "I'm *not* from here, on some level, this is all something my brain made up." I already know that, but it's not something I need to internalize, and for that I am grateful.

I have a hometown I love dearly and feel an obligation to give back to, and I'm very excited to live there. I can hold it dear without ignoring the call of the desert. To let go of either would be the death of me, so I won't.

[ryehouses]

i was tagged in this by @bobafett, who wants to bring back ask box games! this was really fun and really helped drive home the fact that i am maybe a little too wordy!

y'all know the drill. copy, paste, fill in your own answers! feel free to share!

How many works do you have on AO3? impossible for me to say because i have shed ao3 handles like a particularly robust hermit crab, but if i'm just counting everything under iridan, thirteen!

What’s your total AO3 word count? ......1.3 million, as iridan. if we throw in some of my other psueds and the truly awful eragon fanfiction i wrote when i was fourteen, we're probably loking at 2 - 2.5 mil.

What fandoms do you write for? presently, star wars, jujutsu kaisen, star wars again. i have some witcher fic in my gdocs and older projects in rdr2, dishonored, anything that can catch and hold my attention for long enough for my brain to produce a bit of dopamine,

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? all five of them are in the ast 'verse except for lost country

Do you respond to comments? i try to, but it's really hit or miss! i am painfully shy and usually can only go '!!!!!' in thanks

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? of my completed fics, none! i am not really in to the angst ending. if i ever do get around to finishing it, i started a dishonored/his dark materials au that would have ended with corvo going slowly, gently nuts and taking over the outsider's place in the void

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i like happy endings, so all of them!

Do you get hate on fics? occasionally. i still think about that one commentor on ast who accused me of blaming the jedi for order 66 like, all the time. mostly no, though, everyone is really nice!

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i've been told that 'wrestling as nasty foreplay' is something of a signature move of mine, so! 1) yes and 2) whatever kind of smut 'wrestling as nasty foreplay' applies as

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? yes, but almost exclusively his dark materials crossovers. i do have a witcher/temeraire fusion au sitting in my gdocs

Have you ever had a fic stolen? no, not that i'm aware of. i do semi-frequent google searches to see if my shit pops up anywhere.

Have you ever had a fic translated? i don't think so! ast was podfic'd, if that counts.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? i don't think so, because i am a whole idiot and am hard to collaborate with.

What’s your all time favorite ship? of ALL TIME? impossible to say. i am inconsistent and flighty. bobadin hit me pretty good, though

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? haha too many. i started a jedi!din fic and didn't get far. i've had several WIPs on ao3 sit without an update for years. i have drafted, redrafted, and drafted again a novel that will most likely never see the light of day. finishing even one of those would likely water my crops for several years

What are your writing strengths? i take particular pride in my settings! somebody on ao3 told me last week that i have nice turns of phrase, too, and i am proud of those too

What are your writing weaknesses? i have never once said anything in six words when i could say them in six hundred million billion instead

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? obviously i've experimented in various projects, but i am fundamentally kind of lazy and prefer to sprinkle in a few words here and there instead of spending the time to learn about another language's grammar structure

First fandom you wrote for? the first fandom i published anything in was eragon, way back in the day! the first fandom i wrote for was his dark materials, in a composition notebook in like the fifth or sixth grade!

Favorite fic you’ve written? could not possibly pic! they are all like my children and also my therapist.

i'm tagging @meyerlansky and anybody else who wants to participate! consider yourself invited!

[goldendoodlerlockerlove]

Woohoo!! I finally have the next part of my comic ready (finally).

I can't even remember how long it's been since my last update (too long, I think).

I changed up Gene and Alexis' designs because I think it was high time for an update in their look. I'll always kind of be nostalgic for the original, digital designs, but I feel as if I've improved a lot as an artist since then.

Tumblr didn't feel like cooperating with me today, so I had to use a Google Drive link to show this off.

[ID]: Paper fanart of Gene from Bob's Burgers and Alexis, an OC. Alexis wears large, curved glasses, and has a tall and skinny frame with a skittish demeanor. A comic can be seen, with the first page consisting entirely of Alexis. They are sitting sideways in a chair with a concerned expression and thinking God, I hope Gene never finds out I wrote that note... I could never live down the embarrassment... Can you imagine what his reaction would be?

On Page Two, an imagine spot of Gene can be seen with an angry expression. He's saying, "Us? Together? Pfffft, maybe in an Alternate Universe. No way, Alexis." Then, in the next panel, the actual Gene can be seen trying to get Alexis' attention. He asks, "Alexis? Do you want to come over after school?" Alexis has a shocked expression on their face on the next panel, and says, "You actually want me to come over? Me? Are you sure?" Gene responds off-page, "Yes, silly!"

On Page Three, the last page, Gene can be seen again, a grin on his face and sporting a casual pose. He says, "My sisters really want to figure out who's been sending me random, secret, sweet notes in my locker. When we got back from lunch, we found another one. They think you're a good mystery solver." The next panel shows a note to back up Gene's claim, and it says: I hope you keep playing your music more than anything. ~Your Secret Admirer. The note is also adorned with music notes, and there's a heart after the words Your Secret Admirer. The next panel shows Gene and Alexis together in a side view, and Alexis says while blushing, "Wow, it could really be anyone." They are thinking at the same time: Oh my God. We're so close right now. Gene responds, "I know, right? That's why we need your help. Are you in?" The next panel shows just Alexis, still in a side view, and looking very nervous. They're thinking: Don't say yes, oh God, I can't go to his house yet. But at the same time, they say, "I... uh... I'd love to." Then they think: Dang it.

[carlosfruitsnacks]

"driver's license"

summary:

— After getting your driver's license, everything ended. You couldn't bring yourself to move on, you saw his face and heard his voice everywhere you drove through. It was hard to accept you and Camilo are over because he said forever now you drive alone past his street.

genre:

— angst & modern au 

notes:

— gender-neautral reader. I do not speak fluent Spanish and all of the Spanish here is translated from google, feel free to correct me.

warning/s:

— foul language/cussing

a/n:

— i noticed that i haven't wrote angst in a long time so i decided to write one, i hope you guys enjoy crying to this fic

Trudging towards the parked car up front, you brought out your keys and unlocked the vehicle. You got inside and placed the key into the ignition, you start the car and began pulling into the driveway. Your face was impassive as you stared at the road ahead, the night was silent and empty but your thoughts roared within your head.

You recently got your driver's license. It was something you've always dreamed and talked about with a very special person. A person who was the reason why you're driving past twelve into the streets. You can still remember it vividly, last week after getting your driver's license.

It was a sunny afternoon, a smile was plastered on your face. You were giddy behind the steering wheel, driving around the neighborhood. You turned into a specific street and parked in front of a huge house. With a deep breath, you exited the car and walked up the steps before knocking at the door.

A guy with beautiful brown curls, freckles adorning his cheeks, and hazel eyes answers. Immediately, you jump into his arms and he chuckles.

"Hello, mi amor"

"I've missed you, Camilo"

You pull back to see Camilo eyeing the car parked in front of his house, his face was bewildered as he gasped and looked at you.

"Oh my god, did you...?"

"Yes, 'Milo! I finally got my driver's license!"

You exclaimed, fully proud. Camilo invites you inside his house and into his room, you blabbered about the tests you took the week before and how you cried when you earned your driver's license. He was smiling at you but it didn't reach his eyes.

As you lie on Camilo's stomach as you will often do, you noticed how quiet your lover was being. Usually, you and he would talk for hours but today he's awfully silent. You've known Camilo for so long that you can tell something was bothering him.

"Hey, what's wrong, babe?"

"No es nada, [Name]"

You look at him but he avoids your eyes. Eventually, he gets up and sits at the edge of the bed. You placed a hand on top of his, he finally stands up.

"[Name], I...I think we should stop this"

He says and it makes your heart sink. Suddenly, you freeze on your spot, you searched his eyes for any kind of hint that it was a joke, but you were horrified that you found none. You didn't know what to say, how would you react if your boyfriend after many years wanted to break up with you?

"...Why?"

"I feel like it's better if we should see other people"

"Camilo don't, please"

"Lo siento, [Name]. But I've made up my mind"

Camilo told you. A billion thoughts raced through your head as tears formed in your eyes, you grabbed onto him, pleading to take back what he said. He only pursed his lips and politely asked for you to leave. The times you spent with him from as children until the last time you two shared a kiss under the moonlight flashed before your eyes. It didn't help that Camilo wrote a song about you, now that song's playing full blast in your head.

You sobbed in front of him, it felt pathetic. Ultimately, you were forced to leave his home without any option. The day you told him about your driver's license was the day everything ended. So, you sat inside your car still parked in front of his house, and continued crying. You wanted to feel Camilo's arms wrapping around you but it's all over. You recalled the last conversation you had before getting your driver's license.

"When I get my driver's license, I want to drive all over town with you"

"Sure, mi vida. I can't wait to see you drive in front of my house"

It has been days since the breakup and you haven't learned to cope ever since. Every night you were out driving and weeping about the love you lost. You racked your brain for reasons where it went wrong, if you noticed sooner would you have fixed it?

You haven't got any proper sleep when the morning came. You spent your days either stuck in your room singing Camilo's song or out driving. You were currently driving through the suburbs, crying because Camilo wasn't around.

You were thinking that Camilo has replaced you already. He's probably with some blonde girl who would always make you doubt, who's so much older than you, and who's everything you're insecure about. You continue to drive through the suburbs, because how can you love someone else?

You know you and Camilo weren't perfect but you've never felt this way for no one. And you just can't imagine how Camilo could be okay now that you're gone. Guess, he didn't mean what he wrote in that song about you. Because he said forever now you drive alone past his street.

All of your friends eventually found out about the breakup, and they were kind enough to comfort you but nothing can replace the void inside you. You can feel them grow tired of saying how much you missed Camilo but at the same time, you felt sorry for them. Because they never know him the way that you do. They'll never feel what you and he had. But you drive again through the suburbs and picture you were driving home to him.

The only moment you stopped the car was to get gas. Everyone at the gas station was looking at you, maybe thinking how shitty you looked like. Your hair was disheveled, your eyes were sore, and you haven't changed your clothes for days. After getting gas, you immediately hit the road again.

Red lights, stop signs. You can still see Camilo's face in the white cars, front yards. You can't drive past the places you and he used to go to because you still fucking love him. Before you know it, you're gripping the steering wheel, shaking and weeping. Sidewalks you and Camilo crossed, you still hear his voice in the traffic, both of you were laughing over all the noise. You're so blue now you and him were through but you still fucking love Camilo.

"I still fucking love you babe"

You said out loud, shakily. You had to pull over before breaking down inside your car. You were punching the steering wheel and screaming your lungs out. As you pulled the roots of your hair, you imagined how impossible it was for you to move on from him. You made it home before sunset.

Months rolled by of you living this way, people who cared about you reached out but you reassured them with a lie. Once again, you head your way to your car but this time, you got the courage to drive to his house. You needed some closure, you thought seeing the last place you saw him would be enough. You pulled into his street, found his house, and parked your car. You stepped out of the vehicle.

The memories came flooding back like a huge wave but you hold back a sob. Your stomach dropped to the floor when you saw the front door opening and Camilo stepping out of the house. You fished for your keys in your pocket, you panicked searching for your car keys but in a hurry, you dropped them to the pavement.

"Shit"

You bent down to get your keys but you feel footsteps approach you. As you looked up, you meet Camilo's hazel eyes and you merely lose it. You just wanted to be in his arms again, you wanted your dream to drive with him around the neighborhood to come true. But he looked at you with a frown.

"[Name]?"

He notices the keys on the ground and goes to pick them up for you. Your cheeks flushed when he hands the keys to you, fingertips brushing and leaving you longing. Camilo sighed.

"What are you doing here?"

"...I was just passing by, don't worry I was gonna leave anyway"

"...Are you okay?"

In a rare moment to show concern, Camilo placed a hand on your shoulder. You wished he would stop it and pull away but at the same time, you didn't. You wanted to be sarcastic and tell him how better you were doing without him but you also wanted to cry in his arms. You opened your mouth for a reply but you were interrupted by a honk from a car. Someone parked their car next to yours, they rolled down the window and a beautiful girl pulled her head out.

"Let's go, Camilo!"

"Sí, I'm coming!"

Camilo flashes you one last look and a small smile before rushing to hop into the pretty girl's car. You watched, stunned as they drove away. A bitter smile spread on your face as frustrated tears rolled down your cheeks. It fucking stung to see that. You can't help but think that girl stole your place, it should be you picking him up with your car. It should be you taking him for a drive around the neighborhood. Camilo was the only reason why you got your driver's license and now look where it got you.

You sat back inside your car, the key in the ignition as you placed your hand on the steering wheel. You pulled into the road, remembering Camilo saying forever but now you drive alone past his street.

taglist: @pochi-moochika , @cahmilo , @vanevafu , @irisia-ckzkb1109 , @elegantkidfansoul , @candykamikun , @justzei , @try-cry-why-try , @nanaisheretomessupthings , @eichenhouseproperty , @nort-the-simp , @megs2world, @ducky-is-dead-inside ...join here

masterlist

[lovely-letters-for-ed]

15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

Thank you, @sleepystede for always tagging me! (I love your name, Beedle, btw!! And I definitely had to google some banjolele music!)

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? The story is, one parent wanted Kimberly and the other wanted Emily, and that's how I got Kimaly. 😤💗✨

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Everyday just about. But for various reasons. Today, for instance, I was leaving back to work from lunch when I saw my cat sitting so serenely outside near some flowering trees, (it's becoming an early spring here, so everything is beginning to bloom.) He looked so peaceful in the late afternoon light; the gentle wind rustling in the trees behind him. I was overwhelmed by how much I love him that I actually started crying. 😭💕💕 See below for the happy kitty squints.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? I... was on our high school's tennis team for exactly one semester. I won one game by default because not only did my partner and I suck terribly, but so did the other team. We won with maybe a 0-1 score. It was very bad. 😂😂

DO YOU USE SARCASM? dO YoU uSe SaRcAsM? Just a little, (not sarcasm.)

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Face shape. Maybe like face shape in relation to their eyes. Yeah.

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOR? Brown.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Definitely happy endings. Like, don't get me wrong, I enjoy relatively scary movies, but it's gotta have a good ending. I like to see people triumph at the end, or at least end with hope.

ANY TALENTS? I can draw. *Kermit nodding*

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? The States. In a hospital. Somewhere. I think in Oklahoma? 🤔

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? Drawing. It's more like glorified doodling for months, until it becomes a full-fledged artwork. I recently started driving, and so I like going for very long drives.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? My old man baby boy sweet child precious meow meow I adopted from my coworker. He's the most social cat I've ever met. He's bursting with personality, and everyone in the neighborhood knows him (and f e e d s him 😭😭.)

HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'7. Though, fun fact, I had physical therapy on my neck last summer with cervical traction, and during my follow-up appointment, the nurse asked me my height as she was measuring me, to which I replied, "I'm 5'7." After a moment, she paused and said, "No, honey, actually, you're 5'8!"

FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? High school: Art class, of course. Though, I also loved English. Specifically, the writing and grammar bits. College: my whole art curriculum and Film Class.

DREAM JOB? I thought I knew, but it continues to change. I'd like to get into something that helps people, specifically LGBTQIA+. I'd like a job where I get to actively improve people's lives. Anyone have any ideas, please let me know! 🙌

[morvantmortuary]

No pressure to answer this ask, but—if you didn't know—I got the news today that I have some precancerous skin cells that need to be evicted/excised in about a week. I'm fine, but I'm a little overwhelmed? Processing? Disassociating? I would love some Morvant comfort, if you don't mind. Maybe, how they would react and/or help if their S/O got a similar diagnosis? (Also, I hope you're having a great day <3)

I'm sorry this has taken me so long, bud, but I've been thinking about it since you sent it in!! I had somehow missed that post, and I'm sorry it's something you have to deal with right now. I'm sure it'll all go super smoothly, and then it'll be something you don't have to worry about any more, okay? 🖤 I'm flattered you thought of the Morvants to help you feel more at ease, babe :) They all have their ways, as you'll see under the cut!

Maxi would be doing his best not to hover, ngl. The day you found out, he would have insisted on going with you to the appointment, if you were comfortable with that. If you didn't want him to go in with you, he'd be content to hang in the waiting room (making cheerful conversation with whoever was there, despite the fact that whoever was on the other end of that would have the faintest feeling of something being... off. it's all the Death!). Or if you wanted him to go in with you, he'd be happy to make small talk with your doctor, anatomy guy to anatomy person, as he does, until you got the news.

Once you'd heard you needed the procedure, he'd be sitting on his hands not to ask a million questions, so as not to overwhelm you. He'd drive you to wherever you wanted to go after: your place, the House, somewhere to grab a bite, a park to just sit and get some air for a bit. He'd maybe tilt his hand a little bit by sitting closer to you than usual, be a bit more reluctant to let go of your hand, but he'd be his usual chipper self nonetheless. He'd only reluctantly go handle clients, living or deceased, as needed, but he'd insist he'd have his phone on him the whole time if you needed him to come back. (And he'd jump whenever he thought he heard it make a noise, too - imagine him sitting with a grieving couple burying someone's mom, and then from his pocket comes a loud chorus of the little laser noises baby alligators make. Very confusing for all involved.)

The minute you were busy - playing a game, watching a show, having a nap - he'd be googling the procedure and everything that goes into aftercare, researching statistics, all the stuff a worrywart would do. Partially so he can get himself to calm down and stop mentally catastrophizing, as he also does, but mostly so he can find some way to be reassuring if you wanted to talk about it. When you brought it up, he'd be all smiles. "It's super common, darlin'," he'd soothe, acting like he definitely knew that the whole time and hadn't been up reading everything he could find online at three am. "Bodies just do that, sometimes, it's like they trip over their own mechanisms and glitch. Livin' things have a habit of gettin' confused. But it'll be fine, you'll see - they'll take care of it, and it'll just be a one-and-done kinda deal." He'd promise this with a kiss to your forehead. "And you won't have to lift a finger after the fact, I'll be your butler as long as you need," he'd joke.

He’d only be a little nervous in the sense that he wasn’t sure if his usual death jokes would be fine, or be somewhat upsetting. Not that this was even going to be a possibility, of course - he just knows health scares can make people sensitive. He’d hesitate a little bit if when he asked if you wanted to go sit at your usual spot in the cemetery, or would maybe be a little more inclined to borrow the mustang from Hex instead of taking the hearse. You might catch him once or twice cutting himself off after what sounds like a set-up for one of his grim puns, suddenly trailing off before following it with a shy smile and a “Sorry, lost my train of thought.” He’d even be cautious about what horror movies or spooky web videos the pair of you watched, if you even felt like watching them at all; he’d make a point to carefully steer clear of anything to do with hospital horror or medicine, instead opting for creature features or ghosts - something with a definite third party threat.

The day of, he wouldn't even consider not going with you. He'd be there the whole time (even in the room, depending on the treatment), happily telling you every weird fact he knew about skin to try and keep you distracted during the process. afterward he'd be dedicated to catering to you as much as possible, keeping you comfortable (at your place or the House as you preferred) and playing up the whole butler thing whenever you need something with an awful British accent and a bit of a RiffRaff bent back, just to make you laugh. You could definitely expect some of his cookies he makes for clients, and some fresh-squeezed lemonade to go with them, but whatever you wanted, honestly, he'd be happy to make for you or go get. The rest of the time, he'd be wrapped around you like a sloth on your couch in an old t-shirt and sweats, only letting go whenever you needed to free yourself for some reason. He's a hugger - it's just as much for him as it is for you.

He'd insist on being there too when you went for your follow-up, but everything turns out fine, so he'd just think of the whole ordeal as one of those one-off kind of scary things that happens when you love someone in a mortal body. (Although if there was the possibility, he'd ask if there were any tissue samples for you to keep if you wanted them, just because he thought they might be a neat souvenir. :'D)

Hex is a little less white-knuckled about the whole thing, as always. He'd be concerned, for sure: as someone who deals mostly with the spectral part of things, bodies occasionally make him nervous with just how they can go rogue. But he'd be more of the approach that until something happened, there was nothing to worry about. "It'll be fine, querida," he'd say that afternoon, after finding out you needed the procedure. (He would've gone with you to the appointment if you asked him to, but he figures you'll let him know when you need some moral support, so he's a bit more relaxed about things.) "They caught it, we'll go hand over some of your skin, it'll all be no big deal." He'd kiss the back of your hand, giving you his best 'do I look worried?' smile.

He pointedly does not google things, because the more he knows, the more his brain spins it around like shoes in a dryer. But you'd probably notice that between now and the day you'd go in to get it done, he'd be baking more than usual: bread, cookies, concha, even something fried like beignets, any recipe he had knocking around in his skull that he knew worked with your dietary needs. (Just not pie, his pies are cursed.) You'd be working on your draft in another room, or streaming a game, and he'd wander in with something that smelled heavenly on a plate. "Here, baby, you gotta eat some of this this, I got bored and made too much," he'd say, setting it down in front of you while still in a flour-covered apron. He'd stand there absently wiping his hands on it, watching whatever you were doing idly. "What do you think you want for dinner, anyway? I was thinking chilaquiles, but like, if you were feeling something else, I can do that. I can even try something new, if you want, I've been needing something to dick around with," he'd say, shrugging like this was all totally normal. But secretly, he'd be keeping himself busy in the kitchen because it took up more of his brain than his photography. When it's just him and his camera, he has too much time between framing and shooting to let his mind wander to places he didn't want it to. Cooking (especially baking) requires focus, and more involved use of his hands. If he kept busy, he couldn't find time to think about it, and if he couldn't think about it, he couldn't worry. You'd eat even better than usual between your appointment and the procedure, which is wild, because he feeds you pretty well to begin with. On the day of, there'd be a chance he'd show up to your procedure with brownies for the clinic staff, just because he'd filled the whole kitchen by that point.

When he wasn't in the kitchen, Hex would be a bit like a prickly seedpod from outside - one part of him would seemingly be stuck to you at all times when it was just the two of you hanging out. That could be his chin resting on your shoulder out of nowhere, or his shoulder bumping yours when you were washing dishes, even sleeping with his foot against one of your calves when he was rolling around like a rotisserie chicken as always.

The day of, he'd go with you, seemingly cool as a cucumber. He'd crack jokes the whole time, but for someone who normally gives you space when it comes to your appointments for your privacy's sake, he'd be notably determined not to leave your side. He'd stick to you like glue everywhere he was allowed to go, and afterward, he'd drive home in the mustang with one hand on your knee (being surprisingly good at driving one-handed!). He'd make an exaggerated deal of how brave you were when you got home, peppering your face with playful "mwah" kisses, but there'd be just a little relief to it.

When you inevitably got the all-clear, he'd visibly relax as soon as he found out. "I knew it was gonna be fine," he'd say immediately, holding up a hand. "It was always gonna be fine. I just like having the official 'okay you're good,' y'know? Like... you know what I mean," he'd say, rolling his eyes at himself. But he would insist on the two of you dancing that night to celebrate if you felt up to it, either going out or just in the kitchen with his speakers.

Rora wouldn't be unconcerned, but she'd definitely be a bit less rattled than the boys. "Skin is such a fickle organ," she'd say, almost sounding irritated on your behalf. "I swear, it's the only one that needs this much manual intervention not to be a pain in the neck. You don't see your lungs needin' moisturizer, or your heart needin' retinol," she'd add, looking back down at whatever she was working on to keep her hands busy - repotting a plant, altering the hem of one of her dresses, or placing the eyes in a stuffed possum. "...Granted," she'd add after a moment. "I suppose that's because they're technically already moist. What I'm gettin' at is," she'd say, looking back up. "You don't have to worry about it, sweet pea. It's just one of those things."

But the minute you showed any sort of concern, she'd drop what she was doing, coming over to you to gently cup your face like you were made of something fragile. "Daffodil," she'd say, making a point to meet your eyes. "Nothin' bad is gonna happen. This is just an inconvenience - one more thing you have to do, like you don't have enough on your plate as is." She'd kiss the end of your nose. "The doctors will do their jobs right if they wanna keep their hands attached to their bodies, and this'll just be somethin' you need the day off for. That's all." She'd run her hand over your hair, taking you in. "I'm not gonna let anything hurt my petal, I swear.” (How she intended to fight errant skin cells was a mystery, but something in her voice made you think she might indeed have her ways.)

In the meantime, she would almost seem doggedly determined to keep the pair of you busy. Whenever you weren’t at work or occupied with one of your own projects, she would seemingly find all sorts of things for the pair of you to do: she’d surprise you with couple’s massage appointments if she thought it would be something you’d like, she’d take you to get your nails done (manicure, pedicure, or both, whatever you were most comfortable with sensory-wise), she’d abruptly decide that the pair of you definitely needed to have a picnic in the back garden, and then ask if you’d help her plant some new rose bushes. Just when you thought you’d get a moment to just sit and stew for a bit, she’d sneak up behind you and ask if your show her how a smartphone works again (despite you being pretty sure she already knew), or if you wouldn’t mind helping her take her latest taxidermies to the little market stall where she sells them. She’d not only seem to be dying to pamper you, she’d also seemingly suddenly be unable to complete any of her to-do list without you being in the near vicinity. She wouldn’t do it to the point of exhausting you, of course - she’d make sure the two of you had plenty of downtime when it was needed. But if anything, it would seem like her approach was to make sure neither of you had time to think about it, even if that did mean you were suddenly involved in your own private taxidermy masterclass one evening.

If you did voice your anxieties, Rora would make a point to freeze her hands in place with whatever she was doing and listen. That doesn’t always mean she would be staring at you — if anything, you knew that sometimes Ror was listening all the more deeply when her eyes were fixed on something else. But when you’d gotten it off your chest, she would look up at you again, her eyes oddly calm. “I don’t blame you one bit for bein’ nervous, little bee,” she’d say quietly. “But you don’t need to be, because nothin’ is gonna happen. I told you, and I intend to keep my word. So you just leave that part to me, okay?” And she’d smile that small, quiet smile that, while it was reassuring, also made you feel a little bit like she had something up her sleeve. (Which is odd in its own way, because she normally hates wearing sleeves.) But she’d be especially affectionate in the days between your diagnosis and the procedure, often hugging you soundlessly from behind, or sneaking a kiss on your cheek whenever you least expected it. When the pair of you slept, she’d fiddle with the ends of your hair until she dozed off, her other arm snugly over your waist.

Rora hates doctors for lots of reasons - partially because she saw her grandfather, her father, and now her brother deal with what she viewed as their failures, and partially because of her own experiences as a young girl with mental illness in the South when she was alive. That wouldn’t keep her from coming with you to your appointment, though, even if she had to wear a high-necked dress and a scarf over her hair in the Louisiana heat to hide her more interesting scars. No one would question the mysterious woman who followed you to the exam room, or the fact that she sat just in the corner of your eye the entire time. When the procedure was over with, she’d hold your hand the entire way out, and then immediately demand whichever of the boys she made drive you both there (probably Hector, but both if Maxi could make it) to take all of you to whatever junk food/dessert place was calling your name.

When you got the inevitable all-clear, she would beam, her smile sublime. “I told you it would all work out, petal,” she’d coo, planting lipstick kisses all over your face. Until she’d pause, leaning back. “Saves me from havin’ to harvest some doctors’ fingers, too. Thank god.” When you asked her what, exactly, she would’ve needed those for, she’d just shrug coyly with a smirk to mask. “That’s not a spell we need to cast right now, honey. Don’t you worry your pretty head about it.” Then the two of you would spend the entire evening doing absolutely nothing (until you took an interest in each other, that is.)

-

I hope this helps at all, babe. 🖤 If we can do anything for you, don’t hesitate to let us know! Love you lots!! 🥰 Everything is gonna be fine, you’ll see!

Rora deeply dislikes doctors for all sorts of reasons -- a bit because her grandfather, her father, and now her brother frequently dealt/deal with what she perceives as their failures, a bit because of her own experiences with them when she was alive. But she’d be determined to go to your procedure, even if she had to wear a high neck and a scarf around her hair in the heat to cover up her more unusual scars. She wouldn’t be able to drive you, but she’d get one of the guys to do it if need be, and keep her hand on your thigh the entire ride over. Oddly, the doctors wouldn’t question the mysterious woman who followed you into the exam room from the waiting room - and she’d be quietly off to the side the entire time, just out of the corner of your eye. The minute you left, she’d be holding your hand all the way to the car, and immediately demand whichever of the guys she roped into driving (likely Hector, although both would come if they could) to stop by whatever fast food/dessert place was most speaking to you at the moment. You’d spend the rest of the night doing nothing at all (until you took an interest in each other, that is).

When you got the all-clear, she would just beam. “Good. I knew that. See? You’re gonna be fine, petal.” She’d enthusiastically pepper your face with lipstick kisses, until she’d pause at one point. “Saves me from havin’ to steal a bunch of doctors’ fingers, too. Thank god, that would’ve been such a pain.” When you asked her, perhaps somewhat hesitantly, what she wanted with those, she’d just shrug. “Never you mind, my rose. We won’t be needin’ that spell after all,” she’d say, her smile positively sublime.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 5/30/2023

I feel like I worked really hard last week, and yet I don't actually have much to show for it. I guess a lot of it is little stuff that piled up. I mean, I very much do still have a bit pile of dumb little tasks to do, but it's smaller than it was last week. I feel like I've had to do a lot of driving and socializing lately, too, which not only take up time, but wipes me out both before and after.

If you like extra features, I did finish up my go places addenda post last week. I have a lot of ao3 comments to reply to, but aside from that, I guess I'm pretty much done with that one. It gave me a lot of grief while I was writing it, but in the end, I think I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and I have some good feelings about the end stages of sitting with it.

Onward and upward!! Sorry if this is old hat to my regular followers, but just to get everyone up to date, the new project is Ductwork, the next part of Heart is a Muscle. The preview summary I slapped on the end of What We Do with Our Hearts reads "Renji tries to not make it a big deal when he gets his long-damaged kidou ducts fixed; Rukia is having none of it. Byakuya would like to be removed from this narrative and yet can't seem to manage it."

I started it about a year ago, immediately finishing Hearts, and knocked out about 7700 words of it at the time. I'm kinda gun-shy, because last summer I really really wanted to finish a little in love and I tried and failed (tried and died, basically), a thing that has not been made better by the fact that people have started sending sad little messages like "i hope you finish this someday..." That being said, I am trying to be more realistic about my capabilities, especially because I have a lot more Mom-duties in the summertime. My goal is to make 20,000 words of progress before I fizzle out this time. I mean, if I do finish it, that would be great! I'm not gonna stop dead if I hit 20k. I do hope to participate in the Bleach Returns event this July, but whether that consists of a small break or a big break, I don't know. We'll see.

So, I already have a significant chunk of the first act done, but I'm having trouble moving forward, because I don't have a great idea of how the second act is gonna go. For now, it's two acts, it's evolving, and I'm letting it. I'm trying to let myself exist in creative mode and have some fun with that. In that vein, I just went ahead and let myself write The Big Scene, the scene that is the entire reason I am writing this fanfic. I wrote 3500 words on it this week. It's not done yet, but I am having fun. I've also been having little bursts of inspiration for scenes that follow and other things I want to do, so overall, I am in a good place. It's nice. This is good.

The overall document length at the moment is 12,617, which means I've done about 5k words since I started working on it, which is a quarter of the way there! That's distinctly Not Bad!!

In other news, I've been increasingly dissatisfied with Google Docs, so I am experimenting with writing this one in Microsoft Word. I don't deal with change well, so for now, I hate it, but I'm figuring out ways to make it more the way I like, and at least it doesn't constantly reload back to the top of the page. I will keep you updated. It's not like I can't just cut and paste it back into the other program, which I would end up doing anyway, because GDocs works pretty well for beta-reading and the AO3 auto-html script is handy.

[ussjellyfish]

We got 6in/15cm then 14in/35 cm of snow right after each other, which is a lot, and it took some digging out, so there hasn't been school since Tuesday. We had online school, but that's exhausting and pointless. Felix can't go to daycare if I can't drive there, so he's been home, which he doesn't really mind. I think he misses his friends and activities, but...he's a sweetie. He likes google meets.

It's been a lot. I've had a headache since Wednesday too, which is annyoing. I'm pretty sure it's a migraine, it was worse for two days, it's different today, so it might be more of a ending kind of thing? it's a lot. I will ask my GP when I go in, but my appoitnment was supposed to be Thrusday and...that didn't happen. Thanks snow. I'll try again. I'm not sure how much they can even do for migraines. Other peoople I know who have them just...have them, and meds. MAybe the meds are good.

On a normal workday I really just have to make dinner, but we're home so it's breakfast lunch and dinner and entertain Felix and my dad is a lot and it's just...constant.

Like I got to be alone long enough to shovel out the car, drive the car to the big parking structure downtown, take transit back to the house. I'll have to go get it after breakfast tomorrow. Then grovery shopping and standard weekend and...

I can't even take a nap when he's home because he doesn't nap and he has to be entertained and he will snuggle up and watch part of a movie but he wants me to be awake. He has opinions and he likes to act it out and run around, which is adorable, but it's really hard when my head hurts.

I aalso don't parent well when this happens. I don't read to him enough or come up with enough ideas, and I have to start things before he'll do it. He's too little to decide "oh I want to color" so I have to start coloring and color with him, and he's too little to want to paint, so if I want him to paint, I have to start it. There are too many toys and some I should get rid of because he really doesn't play with them. He likes scaarbes and running around. Again, this is great, he's great. I'm not doing the best job.

It's the out of spoons wall again. On the upside, it's not a "oh I'm out of spoons for fic, because I did get some of that done, but it's a definite out of spoons for my life. (great).

But it'll be all right. We caan go places and I'll figure out something it's just so much starting and responsibility. Like... dad doesn't do chores unless I start them. He'll load and unload the dishwasher, but I have to feed him and Felix and decide what we're going to do, and balance if Felix is annoying him and try to come up with food both of them will eat.

and I don't want to. Feeding Felix is fine, and I love him, and he's honestly a pretty easy kid. I fail him so much more than he does anything. He's going through a "oh I'm not hungry" phase which leads to losing it, because not eating is bad for tiny humans but he doesn't get why.

and it's one thing if he's having a tantrum and I have to deal with it, and I usually do okay. It's weird when we're being watched, or dad wants to be involved, because it's not...it's not helpful. I'm not sure what would be helpful, but having this other parasitic adult around isn't it.

I expect the constant caring for Felix, he's 4. It's hard when it's another adult. There's no reciprocation. It's just... "your coffee is on the counter" "you haven't showered" "I thought you were going too..."

I'll get it. I'll do it. stop needing things from me. (even input, because I have to constantly do...things and say things and comment on things and I already am at my maximum of giving.

I think it would be less if some things were different. Snow days witout work or no migraine or like...dad went somewhere. He doesn't leave the apartment unless it's a medical appointment, and he really doesn't have enough of those. I don't think he realizes how nice it would be just to sit in silence.

I can kind of get it at 3am, but I pay for it the next day.

[peachyghuleh]

Okay ghesties I've been away for a while (for good reason, a masters degree is haaaard) so here's a draft I've had in my Google docs for months lol, this is one for my anxious ghesties who get nausea when they're anxious ❤️❤️❤️

~750 Words

Based off @cirrus-ghoulette 's whump month prompt 20, about 7 months late lol

──────── ⛤⋅⛧⋅⛤ ─────────

For a while now car rides had made me feel nauseous. I was never prone to travel sickness so that wasn't the issue, it was my anxiety, feeling trapped in a space with no way out.

"Ah cara, there you are! We've been looking for you!" Copia greeted me, followed close behind by Primo. "We're headed out to grab some things, would you like to join us?"

"Yeah that would be great, thank you for thinking of me!" I replied.

We headed out of the front of the Abbey together and got into Copia's car, Copia driving, me in the front, Primo in the back.

"Fratello, put some music on please" Primo shouted from the back. "Opus Eponymous of course."

"How about we ask sorella, si?" Copia said as he turned to me, smiling "you pick cara, what would you like?"

"Ooh okay, if I can pick then I choose…prequelle!"

I heard Primo sigh in the back which made both myself and Copia chuckle. We finally set off to the soundtrack I had chosen, making our way through windy roads lined with trees.

I could feel the anxiety building, burning in my chest. My chest felt heavy and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. The anxious feeling kept building and building until it felt overwhelming…suffocating.

Primo must have sensed my discomfort from the back "sorella? Are you okay?"

"C-can we pull over? I don't feel good…"

"Satanas, are you okay?" Primo asked from the back.

Copia quickly pulled over at the next opportunity and I got out, feeling completely overwhelmed and on the verge of a panic attack.

The two brothers got out right behind me, clearly worried for my well being. I couldn't stay still, I had to move, I just had to. I began hyperventilating, nausea creeping up to the back of my throat.

Primo grabbed my shoulder, trying to keep me still long enough to find out what was wrong but I just couldn't stay still. I paced around, trying to regain some semblance of control over what was going on with my body.

Copia intercepted my movement and pulled me into his chest, stroking my hair. "Cara, everything is okay, we're here."

I began sobbing uncontrollably, feeling utterly defeated that I couldn't even go for a car ride without feeling awful. Copia continued stroking my hair and talking to me, trying to get me to calm down. Eventually, the panicked feeling mostly subsided, although the feeling of nausea persisted.

Once he realised my condition had improved, Copia released me from his grasp "feeling a little better cara?"

I nodded lightly, still reeling from the effects of my panicked state.

"Sorella, you look pale, please, sit" Primo motioned to the passenger seat of the car.

I hopped onto the seat, sitting with my legs out of the car, fiddling with my fingers out of anxiety.

Copia knelt down in front of me and placed a comforting hand on my leg. "Tesoro, would you be comfortable telling us what set that off?"

"I-I just felt a wave of anxiety and then I-I just felt nauseated. I'm sorry…I just couldn't deal with it anymore."

"Oh cara, please don't apologise, you have nothing to apologise for" Copia assured me.

"Yes, mio fratello is correct, you've nothing to be sorry for" Primo added.

"I feel sick" I mumbled.

"Are you going to be sick?" Copia asked.

"I don't think so, it's just anxiety nausea."

Copia took my hand and began rubbing small circles with his fingers, it was comforting. "Do you often feel anxious cara?"

"I've always been anxious, it gets worse when I go out though, car rides are especially hard for me, I guess I just feel trapped."

"Sorella…why didn't you tell us? You know we would do anything to protect you." Primo told me.

"I didn't want to be a burden." I put my head in my hands and sobbed again.

"Shh shh cara, it's okay. You could never be a burden" Copia placed his hands on my legs.

"Sorella, I have many plants in my greenhouse that can help with nausea and general anxiety, how about I show you when we get back, si?"

"I'd like that, thank you Primo" tears pricked at the corner of my eyes, I felt loved.

"Would it help to have the window open in the car while we drive?" Copia asked.

"I think that would help a little, thank you"

[circular-bircular]

My apologies for dropping this in here but I’m hoping for some advice and I wasn’t really sure who to ask, but we generally find your advice at least somewhat helpful i think. I'm pretty sure there are a good few of us here but I have no idea how to coexist with more than one other part anymore. i think we used to work together and exist together well enough without stepping on each other's toes, but it's been a long time since then, and maybe I'm making the memories up or making them seem different in my head but I think we used to be more distinct and separate parts and so we could work things out a little better but we're not that distinct and more muddled and murky these days and I don't think anyone knows who they are or what's going on anymore, but half the time when others front, they get so frustrated at me (the host) for not letting them 'exist' (front and have a life outside of our own mind (they don’t get to have anything internally either as we don’t really have a headspace)) but i often don't even know they exist in order to let them do so. I don’t know what to do anymore because every attempt I make to work out who’s who seems to be proven false a second later. I was wondering if you had any ideas on improving any part of this situation? Again I apologise for just sending this in but you’re pretty good with advice I've found and other assistance (a specialist or therapist for instance) are currently out of my reach.

Hey there! Thanks for your patience.

I'm afraid I don't have a LOT of advice for you. My system is a bit different in that I have ALWAYS had an incredibly vivid innerworld and I have always had incredibly strong communication with all of my parts.

However, I'm going to recommend to you a book called Coping With Trauma Based Dissociation. I've not read all of it yet, but it seems to me the homework exercises in that book could be beneficial to you. Here's a link to a google drive PDF. You can make a copy of it for yourself! I plan to get a copy of the physical book if I can.

I found the chapters I read (7 and 8) to be incredibly fulfilling and really put my systemhood into context of being parts of a whole, and working together on healthy individualization.

As for trying to work on communication and easing those negative emotions, the best shot I can give you is meditation. Sitting with your thoughts and trying to hold meetings, while difficult for many, is important. If it helps, you could try to think of them as your own thoughts -- if they contradict what you feel like, consider if that could be another part's thoughts.

If anyone else has any advice for anon, plz share!