#dr is because i never learn and have mental illness.

[anemoiashifts]

shifting tips / advice that don’t suck !

♡getting offline.

i know i know it’s hard, but being bombarded with different information about a certain topic can be so overwhelming & create room for overthinking which can effect performance. looking in places outside of shiftok or shiftblur or shift whatever. putting more effort into trying to figure out what something is instead of doing it will drive you insane because there is no answer to what shifting is. hence, “theories” & shared experiences. there is no concrete reasoning to shifting backed by science so don’t try & find them or you’ll be looking forever.

♡music.

did you know you can use music to manipulate memories ? the brain is so so bad at remembering things due to how much information we consume daily. when you visualize & listen to a sound or music, your brain can register that as a memory.

♡smell.

this one also aligns with the one above. smell is heavily tied to memory, also. by watching a show we are shifting to & pairing it with a certain scent like a perfume or candle, we can create a link between the two. then, spraying during shifting attempts can help us visualize & associate that piece of media with where we’re focusing on.

♡shadow work.

find out why you’re shifting. happiness ? you don’t need to shift for that. love ? you don’t need to shift for that. if you want to that’s fine but is shifting a bandaid for something deeper ? discover that. really think & consider where you’re going & if you’re in the right mentality to handle it. you aren’t in a television show episode or an oc, you’ll be a living human being in a very real & interactive world. figure out your intentions.

♡put in effort.

this may be a little obvious but you have to want to shift, to shift. you have to put in work & effort to shift & take another approach if doing the same method 10x over hasn’t worked for you. “we shift every second” sure but you didn’t shift into your desired reality in the past thirty. “im saying an affirmation & rolling over & hoping ill wake up in my dr” & how has that worked out for you ? just because this has maybe worked for other people, doesn’t mean it'll work for you. everyone is different. people require more time & effort to get something right then others just like subjects like art or english come easier to students.

♡perfection.

not everything has to be perfect. script isn’t completed ? so what ? you’ve been saying “im not ready yet” for the five months. don’t put off good things out of fear of them not being exactly how you want it because it will never be perfect because perfection isn’t real. if you don’t have everything figured out — that’s fine. why ? because life will sort itself out. this remains true right here & in your desired life. if it’s any comfort, everything will fall into place.

♡neutrality.

if you’re someone who wakes up after an attempt saying “i’ll never shift, i hate this reality” then you’re kinda sabotaging yourself in a way. your creating the mindset that this is the “bad” place when shifting is “good”. that’s not true. everything is entirely neutral until you define it as such. in addition, you are focusing more on the “haven’t” & giving that more attention to & what you give attention to will only grow until it’s so big you can’t see anything else.

♡listening.

people who want things don’t sit & complain about not having them, they persist & would do anything to get their desires & live in that reality. instead of saying “i didn’t shift” & sulking about it, take it as a learning experience to see what does & doesn’t work for you; your body is showing you what not to do so listen to yourself.

[sempersirens]

the fig tree | rotten

pairing: therapist!joel x f!reader

warnings: 18+ mdni. discussion of heavy and potentially triggering topics such as sa, self-harm, infertility, various mental illnesses, self-hatred and drug use. these topics are only mentioned and do not occur in real-time.

chapter summary: a twenty-something, seemingly lost cause, meets her match in the form of psychotherapist: dr. joel miller.

dividers by @saradika-graphics

updates: @sempersirenswrites

series masterlist

Maybe it was time to accept you were never as good as you'd always thought you'd been.

For four long years, you had spent most of your waking hours dissecting epic poetry and papyrology.

Still, the most your degree had done for you was rouse a satisfying disappointment from your mother’s side of the family when they realised you weren’t actually going to be that kind of doctor.

Not to say such in a self-deprecation; you hardly suffered from any semblance of an imposter syndrome. Your mother used to frequently remind you that you were far too vain to not believe in yourself.

It was more of a philosophical framework. Platonic realism. Knowing your muted beauty could earn you a free drink from below-average men who felt their trousers tighten when you addressed them through your eyelashes.

But it wasn't an obvious enough beauty for the attention of the men you imagined exchanging bodily fluids with between stops on the underground.

Besides, you had been a student of Classical Studies; a degree that doesn’t require the intellectual strain of learning Latin or Ancient Greek. The inclusive way for people like you, having attended a run-down state-funded school, to get a glimpse into the Bullingdon boys' and grammar schoolgirls’ fallback plans.

It wasn't even that you disliked Classics; you'd borderline gotten off on reading plays written by men about wicked women; but that was because the brilliant women were always the wicked ones.

You particularly enjoyed the assumptions men made about the female condition – how women were too wet, too porous; couldn’t keep their wombs from wandering. And assumptions they were. No Greek physician ever sliced a woman from chin to cunt to confirm their hypotheses. Although, ancient men hadn't been all too familiar with the insides of a woman anyway.

Sometimes, you thought you would quite simply die if you were reduced to only understanding people through your assumptions of them.

It was just that you could never stop thinking about what people thought. It was all you could ever think about. You wanted to peel people's skulls apart and scream at their horribly grey frontal lobe:

Are you ok? Have I done something to upset you? Do you still love me? Do I look like someone that has been raped? Do you think that girl we just walked past has a firmer ass than me? Do you like my new bangs?

For a short period of time, you'd been desperate to know how your therapist felt and thought of you. There is a sick irony in baring your bones to a stranger in the reclined chair opposite you who never even takes off their cardigan.

You needed to know if your traumas made him sad, or if he saw things that made him think of you outside of your sessions. You supposed he both pitied and admired you in a twisted, surrogate-daughter kind of way.

Then again, he probably wouldn’t have been a very good therapist did he not pity his clients.

At one point you thought you might be in love with him.

You'd met weekly in his high-ceiling office on a busy street. It was a romantic setting to unload twenty-four years of trauma to a kind man wearing a knitted cardigan. The sun would peak through clouds and shine onto the both of you through two large windows, between which sat a Japanese peace lily.

You soon realised he was just the first man to let you speak uninterrupted.

You spoke at him mostly, finishing observations that had been years in the making with “Does that make sense?” Even though you knew it made sense. You were certain, actually, that everything you had articulated came from somewhere deeper inside of you than any man could reach. You just couldn't leave it hanging there like an exposed nerve.

Maybe it was because he didn't speak much that you liked him. Sometimes he would offer anecdotes or remedies for PTSD-induced panic attacks that you both knew you would never use.

In most sessions, you had simply basked in the divinity of being listened to. You wondered if this was how devout Catholics like your grandmother felt at confession, or perhaps it was how all of your ex-boyfriends had felt.

You weren't even particularly attracted to him. He had been ten years older than you, and when your sessions first began, you'd been casually fucking someone a year older than him – but he didn't need to know that.

There were a lot of things you'd decided he didn't need to know. Like the fact you snorted cocaine until your nose bled, sliced into your thighs a couple of evenings a week, and let men use your body to masturbate as a feeble attempt to reclaim your sexuality - as if it had ever been anyone's for the taking.

Had he known the dirtier parts of your life, you feared he would have crossed out the word victim in his black Moleskin notebook and replaced it with bystander.

Maybe he would think you were a pathological liar and diagnose you with a personality disorder. This was something you'd been warned about by the first friend you had made at university.

“My mother is a therapist, you know. Don’t tell them you cut yourself or that you’ve told anyone you cut yourself – they’ll diagnose you with BPD.”

“But I’ve told you.”

“Trust me. They’ll put you on an SSRI and you’ll never be able to orgasm again.”

You were freshly eighteen and had never had a real orgasm anyway, but this terrified you enough to reel in your catalogue of symptoms for the GP appointment you had scheduled later that day.

In the end, you'd buckled and sobbed as the doctor sat adjacent to you. You didn’t mention the self-harming or the suicidal thoughts, but did tell her that you didn’t know where to go from here.

She'd slid a leaflet from the university's self-help website across the table before pushing her chair back and motioning toward the door.

“Call 999 if things get worse," she had said. "But let’s just hope it doesn’t get to that point. A&E is very overwhelmed at the moment.”

So you got on with it. Boats against the current, or whatever. You made the hurt so small and buried it so deep within you and swore you'd never let anyone get close enough to pick at the stray thread to your undoing.

And for a little while it worked. You became what you knew you should be; you presented your face for fucking and never let the door slam on your way out.

These days, you'd felt as though you were slowly becoming rotten.

It started on the surface; a bizarre case of adult acne that no dermatologist could diagnose for love nor money. Blood tests, topical steroids, antibiotics, potentially-baby-deforming drugs. You tried them all to little avail. In the end, it was simply the passing of time that had rid you of the rot.

Next, it had been your womb. Decomposing from the inside out. Your body had made the decision for you that goodness couldn't form in your guts.

The final straw had, embarrassingly, been your heart.

You hated to say it aloud. So much so that you hadn't. But it had been a quiet promise of yours; one you'd kept quietly close to your chest - that your suffering would never turn you ugly.

But here you were, alone and swearing at the wind, the rage beneath your skin growing like a tumour.

You hated it.

You hated yourself.

You hated that you were angry but had never been taught how to be angry, because anger wasn't a pretty emotion; it was one that should be starved and kept in the corner of your wardrobe to rot like black mould.

So here you stood: before a Victorian townhouse with your scarf furiously fighting the wind, droplets of rain threatening your freshly straightened hair, scanning various names scrawled on the building's buzzer.

S. PHYSIOTHERAPY

A & R SOLICITORS

J. MILLER PSYCHOTHERAPY

You bit the inside of your cheek and ducked further into the doorway, pressing the buzzer for the last option.

A voice had answered quicker than you'd anticipated, soon followed by a harsh buzz of the intercom.

"Come on up."

Dr. Miller's office was on the third floor.

You huffed, struggling with the combination of the stairs and attempting to wrangle your wet coat from your back. Amidst your struggle, you hear a door open somewhere above you, followed by a couple of soft and slow footsteps.

Your chin instinctively lifted toward the source of the noise, feet carrying you round and round the spiral staircase.

Light poured around his silhouette from the window behind him. It was ridiculous, actually. The sight was almost holy.

Neither of you spoke as you made your way up toward him. You felt as though you were on your knees beneath him, transfixed in supplication.

The sleeves of his blue cotton shirt were haphazardly pushed up just before his elbows, arms outstretched and fingers wrapped around the wooden bannister.

You were supposed to be actually trying with this one, not fantasising about the ways the veins in his arms probably bulged with his hand around your throat.

After being politely let go by your previous therapist, you'd promised yourself that the colleague he'd recommended to you, Dr. Miller, would be the one to fix you for good.

"Hello." He nodded, not quite managing a smile.

He reached a hand toward you, which you shook with the little strength left in your body.

"Hello." You tried your best to imitate his stoic cadence, your hand still tightly in his.

You let him break the handshake first, playing a petulant, one-sided game to see how quick he would be to scare.

"After you." He gestured to the room behind him. "Take a seat wherever you feel most comfortable."

"If there is any cowboy paraphernalia in that room I am not paying for this session."

"Excuse me?" His eyebrows knitted together, no sign of humour registering on his face.

"Your accent - it was a joke. I mean, I paid already anyway." You fumbled your words awkwardly. "Jokes are always much funnier when you explain them."

He cocked his head slightly. Hesitant to embarrass yourself further, you saw yourself into his office.

The room was dim for a space endowed with Victorian-style floor-to-ceiling windows. It felt like you could get lost in it, hide away, tuck yourself into a corner and be lost for days.

"I have your notes from Dr. Hughes." He said.

"Anything juicy?" You asked, still surveying the room.

You couldn't put your finger on the specifics of his scent, but it was familiar; like passing a man in the street wearing the same aftershave as your father, or a boyfriend you hadn't seen for years.

"I'd like to figure that out myself."

You'd eventually settled on the armchair positioned opposite his own.

You had briefly wondered if this was a test, that he would be psychoanalysing whether you chose the armchair or the adjacent sofa.

Maybe you'd failed already.

For the majority of the session, you'd gone through the necessary motions of admin, confidentiality, and what you eventually wanted to get out of therapy.

"I don't have the ability to fix you, y'know that right?" His question had caught you off guard.

"I know that." You'd replied meekly.

"It's just, I don't know what kind of promises Dr. Hughes made you. We trained together, you see. He had always been more, how do I put this, hopeful than I am."

"Oh wow. Forty minutes into our first session and you're already hopeless?" You were only partly joking.

"I'm a big believer in transparency, and I can see you were meeting on and off for a few years. I'm just intrigued as to what your end goal here is."

You bit down on your cheek, swallowing the ember of rage that was burning in your throat.

"Do you think I do this for fun? Carve out an hour a week to relive my deepest, darkest traumas?"

"Not at all. I just find it interesting that after almost three years of therapy, you still can't use the word rape. You've referred to it as the thing that happened four times already."

The rot crept up your throat, threatening to pour out of your mouth and fill the room with the ugliness that grew inside of you.

"What is this, some kind of tough love therapy?" You scoffed. Was he trying to get a rise out of you?

"It can be whatever you want it to be."

He was kind of annoying, actually.

The two of you sat in silence, defiantly holding eye contact with one another to see who would be the first to break. And when he finally spoke, it was more of a statement than a question.

"That's time. I'll see you at the same time next week."

"How are you so sure I'll come back?"

He smiled for the first time that afternoon.

"I'm not."

[wylanslcve]

The next time I see someone call Wylan "boring" because his trauma isn't "as bad" as the other Crows' (namely Kaz and Inej's) I'm going to throttle someone. Firstly, trauma isn't comparable: trauma is trauma, regardless of what traumatic experience a person goes through. The point of Six of Crows is that all the Crows are traumatised but find comfort and solace within one another and galvanise each other's healing process.

Secondly, Wylan is a victim of ableism and emotional, mental and physical abuse - which is traumatic - and his story makes me feel physically ill whenever I think about it. As a disabled child, Wylan needed accommodations that his father refused to give him: instead, J*n treated him as something that needed fixing, and treated his disability as pure stubbornness that could be forced out of him with punishment and abuse. He "tried specialists, tonics, beatings, hypnotism" - which are traumatic. J*n also manipulated Wylan into believing that it was his fault by constantly shifting the blame to him (a behaviour very typical amongst abusers). As a result, Wylan never acknowledged his father's behaviour as abusive, which is why he tells Jesper in Crooked Kingdom that "he isn't evil" despite J*n literally trying to kill him twice. In fact, Wylan tries to justify how his father treated him, claiming that he "had done his best to care for his son, and if he’d failed, then the defect lay with Wylan." He also takes it as a display of affection and the desire to protect him, claiming that "his father might sound cruel, but he wasn’t just protecting himself or the Van Eck empire, he was protecting Wylan as well."

Wylan blaming himself for his father's actions doesn't stop there: in the period after Inej is kidnapped by J*n, Wylan feels responsible for what happened despite knowing that "he couldn’t have prevented his father from double-crossing the crew and kidnapping her. He knew that, but he still felt responsible". The guilt is eating away at him because he's so accustomed to taking the blame for his father's wrongdoings. Even after finding out the truth about his mother, which was really the catalyst for him recognising that J*n is indeed evil, his initial response is him blaming himself for it: "it was me. I caused this. He wanted a new wife. He wanted an heir. A real heir, not a moron who can barely spell his own name." This is only made even more sickening when we learn that Wylan would hear how his parents "fought all the time, sometimes about me", which would only amplify his feelings of responsibility for his father sending Marya away, stripping her of her life, family and fortune.

This is all without him not being allowed to grieve his mother's "death". This is all without the imposter syndrome and self-loathing Wylan experiences as a result of all of this, the fear that the Crows would see him as worthless and defective the way his father did and abandon him.

tl;dr: stop overlooking Wylan's trauma because he too has deep mental and emotional scars.

[schizopositivity]

So I was searching for a new psychiatrist online, and every website filter, every description they have, for individual providers and medical groups will include a whole bunch of different mental illnesses and life situations that they specialize in. Basically every mental illness and stressful life situation you could think of. But I didn't see schizophrenia or psychosis on any list. They had mental illnesses that can have psychotic symptoms (like bipolar disorder or PTSD) and mental illnesses that have overlapping symptoms with schizophrenia (like ASD and ADHD) but didn't have psychosis or schizophrenia anywhere.

And this is so frustrating, because I'm used to therapists not knowing how to treat schizophrenia/psychosis at all, that's been every therapist I've ever had and I've sadly learned to deal with that. But for psychiatrists, I'd really love to be able to be prescribed high doses of antipsychotics by someone who knows how that affects people. Someone who has enough experience to list that as a specialty. I live in a small city with a long list of psychiatrists, I even checked ones farther away that could do online sessions. Still after hours of combing through websites I found nothing. I was even told by my therapist that normal primary care providers regularly hesitate or refuse to prescribe antipsychotics because it's a "liability".

And it feels so unfair. Seeing psychiatrists say "mental health is so important! I can help you find your best self!" while ignoring all of us who rely on antipsychotics to function. For me my antipsychotics are the biggest reason I'm alive today, that I have a job, that I have a long term relationship, that I have friends, that I can even function. Going off of antipsychotics is not a safe option for me.

The pharmacy requires refill approval from a psychiatrist or Dr. so that I can have access to my meds. And I shouldn't have to keep settling for mental health care workers who don't understand my illness, don't want to prescribe my meds, and don't care to try.

I don't understand how there can be such a major gap in mental health care that's never even talked about. For a lot of us with schizophrenia, antipsychotics are extremely important, and going off of them can have major consequences. The fact that medication can dramatically improve our lives is incredible, but the fact that so many mental health care workers don't understand it, don't want to prescribe it, or just guess when prescribing it is horrendous, and has life-changing consequences for us.

It feels so isolating to not even be on a long list of mental health problems, and to speak to countless people who've dedicated their life to the mental health field, yet don't even consider you as an option. I just got rejected by a group of 6 psychiatrists working in an office together. In a quick email they said they wouldn't be able to provide care for me. Apparently all of them, who are available and licensed to care for people with mental illnesses, don't even think it's possible that any one of them could help me. All I need is medication refill approval, but apparently they can't do that. It feels so defeating but I'm going to keep trying because I have to.

I am not an anomaly, I am one small part of a large group of people with my same diagnosis. And we all need care at the bare minimum, but we deserve care that has us in mind for once. One day, I'd like to think, that a profession centered around helping people with various mental illnesses and struggles, would add us to the list. Because we are here regardless.

[darlingsfandom]

a request for Jonathan Crane, please! You finally tell off the pretty, arrogant boy who keeps rolling his eyes at everyone in your Psych college class. You start sitting & reading at a spot in the quad--not long after, a crow starts bringing you little things (a bracelet, a paperclip, random stuff). One day, you follow it back to Jonathan, who only has crows for friends.

feel free to adjust, I know it's kinda weird--

This isn't weird at all! I think it's cute.

TW: choking, possesive Crane!

Your blood boiled, heat rising to your cheeks and stomach full of butterflies as the anger flooded your body. His voice was like nails on a chalk board, he spoke non-sense everyday and today was the final straw that made you snap.

"Do you even hear how fucking stupid you sound?" The words left your lips faster than you could process them. Silence filled the room as everyone turned to face you in the back of the room including your professor. The redness in your cheeks was now because everyone was looking at you instead of just anger.

"Wow! They can speak!" The annoying asshole spoke up with a mocking laugh making a few others join in until Dr. Crane snapped his fingers making the attention flow back to him.

"They're not wrong, your argument lacks real information, character or passion." Dr. Crane pushed his glasses up before walking towards the board. "If you can't hold a real argument then I suggest you either keep your mouth shut or leave. I don't have time to teach children."

You sat in the back snickering to yourself as the pretty boy huffed before grabbing his stuff and walking out. Dr. Crane sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he took off his glasses. "This is a pyschology class. This is not court, we do not argue in here. Prove to me that you can learn in here! If you are going to argue medical based research that has been proven correct time after time, please follow him out the door." You watched as a few others left. It wasn't a surprise who walked out but that gave you better chances of learning vs sitting there listening to dumb arguments that made no sense.

"The rest of you, please have your essay on whatever mental illness you chose turned in with creditable research turned in by next Friday!" And with that Crane had ended the class.

Over the next few days you had found yourself sitting under the oak tree in the quad that faced into Cranes class. You would sit with your laptop on your lap, back into the wood and earbuds shoved deep into your ears to help block out any noise.

You sat there typing away loosing track of time as your eyes scanned over various articles to find what you needed to write your essay when something fell onto your keyboard. You pulled out your buds and looked around to see how empty the campus was, but looked down to see the little silver heart locket laying there only for your thoughts to be interrupted by the sound of a crow cawing. Your heart raced a little as you held the trinket in your hand. This wasn't the first time this has happened. Over the week a single crow would drop something, caw and fly away from you.

The crow had brought you a paper clip, a piece of string and a piece of torn paper at first. Now the locket? You were confused because the crow had alsoo brought you a silver ring that just so happened to have your name engraved on it.

Wind gushed past your ears. The crow had dropped the locket but hadn't left yet which wasn't normal. You put your things away and gripped the locket which made the crow caw once again. It was like you were supposed to follow it. Something told you that it was a bad idea, but you couldn't just listen to your gut. The temperature dipped quickly making you walk faster as the crow flew across the quad leading you to a building you didn't reconginze. It looked like it belonged but was never in use. The crow stopped at the door, landing just outside the door to which you knocked upon slowly. The door opened slowly. Your heart was racing a million miles a minute before you felt the cold fingers of someone else wrap around your wrist and yank you inside making you let out a scream.

"Shh, you're okay." The room was dark and smelled like old books mixed with moss. Every nerve in your body was signaling you to run, yet you stayed frozen until the lights were flipped on.

"Dr. Crane?"

"That would be correct." He walked towards you with a devilish smirk on his lips. A lump grew in your throat while you squeezed the locket that had been dangling in your hand. Crane watched how you looked at him like a scared child.

"I see you got your gift." He wrapped his hand around yours to lift the locket into the air. The crow cawed at the locket making Crane shush him.

"This is from you? "

"All of it has been from me! Did you think a crow was just giving you random gifts?"

"I don't know... what is even happening?" Crane pulled you closer by your arm until you were chest to chest. You looked up at him with blown pupils. His nose brushed against yours gently before he pressed his soft lips into yours. It took you by surprise and in natural action you shoved him off. Both of you stood there, his eyebrows furrowed while you stood there shaking. Before you could even lift a foot to run his hand was around your neck backing you into a wall.

"How dare you reject me!" His words came out through gritted teeth. You tried to push him off again but the loss of blood flow was making your dizzy.

"Not... not doing that!" Crane loosened his grip on your throat before pulling you back into his body.

"Then why did you push me away?"

"Because it's wrong! You're my professor, I mean I am attracted to you, but..."

"You're thinking too much sweetheart, I give you pretty things and in return you my sweet little thing are MINE!" His hand squished your cheeks together and kissed your lips until you finally let your body relax. Your arms wrapped around his neck as his lips bit at yours making you whimper. "Say it.. say you're mine!" He whispered between kisses.

"I.."

"NO SAY YOU ARE MINE!" He snapped at you making you tremble in his arms.

"I'm yours!" You pleaded as he pushed you into the table in the room. Crane leaned over you and ran his finger down the side of your face making you look at him.

"Good, you can follow directions, I knew I made the right choice. My pretty little thing. Just keep me happy and we will be just fine." He grabbed you again and sat you up so he could lock lips with you once again. This was not how you planned on falling in love with him, but could you really call it love? Either way you were his and one would else could have you.

[sullina]

Steven universe future episode 15 "Mr. Universe" starting with Greg and Steven going on a roadtrip to the tune of "dear old dad" and ending with Steven deleting the old yearbook photo off his phone.

I just love this kind of extreme contrast.

the episode starts with Steven genuinely believing that his dad might be able to help him after what undoubtedly feels like an eternity of a confusing and aimless hell for Steven (as having a mental illness tends to be).

Finally, something to help him get better.

Only to realize how terrible he really had it. He says it himself. "I grew up in a van! I've never even been to a doctor until two days ago!" along with how he never went to school on top of that, when Gregs parents, Stevens grandparents, were "right here".

This is the episode that Steven (and also I) realized that while Greg loved him dearly, he was not cut out to be a father. Or at least, he didn't know how to be a father, how to properly care for a child.

Gregs parents were extremely strict, according to Greg himself, and Greg obviously didn't want to be like them, but he overcorrected into the opposite direction: total freedom. But children need boundaries and rules. Not so many as to be suffocating, but at least some structure to learn what was safe to do and what wasn't.

That last part did not exactly apply to Stevens childhood. We never see his early childhood, but from the start of the first show, Steven is exposed to genuinely traumatizing danger over and over and over (as shown in the "Growing pains" episode, where Steven goes to the hospital and recounts all the traumatizing stuff that happened to him to Connies mom, Dr. Maheswaran). Steven knew what was dangerous, but he never seemed to learn what "safe" really was, considering not just Steven himself, but his home and family and friends were often under attack. Not to mention all of the physical injuries he got. Steven never really got away from just about any dangerous situation with "just" a bruise. He could have died, and he knows this. Any danger he's faced has been potentially lethal. This is not healthy, but the consequences only show up later.

But as a child, he either wasn't 100% aware of that fact, or decided to just subconsciously shove it down and not think about it ("not thinking about the bad stuff" is also a confirmed coping mechanism for young steven, as shown in "mindful education", the episode that features the song "here comes a thought"). But young steven only felt bad about the stuff that he couldn't do for others. The bad stuff that happened to himself didn't really seem to register, because there was always something more important going on, and even when there wasn't, no one ever checked in on Steven afterwards. Everyone just assumed he was okay, and that was it. Even Steven himself.

When there wasn't a (usually life-threatening) mission going on, Steven was very often left to his own devices. And that extends beyond just mission stuff. I don't think we've ever seen anyone actually cook for Steven. Whenever he eats, it's either some kind of take-out food, or food he made for himself. And it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it does send the message of "you're responsible for yourself, if you can't take care of yourself on your own, no one will do it for you". Add that and the fact that it was Steven who helped the Gems through their mental stuff (especially Pearl, especially when concerning anything related to Rose), I can't blame Steven for internalizing the message of "you're responsible for yourself and also everyone else (so all you're good for is helping others regardless of your own wellbeing, which is not important)"

And bringing it back around to Greg... Greg never had the courage for any sort of real confrontation. Initially, you can blame his own parents for that, if we assume that any attempt for Greg to properly assert himself was only ever met with more abuse than he was already subjected to by them. However, while the blame is not with Greg himself, as an adult, he is responsible for healing from that. But he didn't, and the consequences of this trauma are still there. Greg lived without any ability for serious confrontation and asserting himself by just... running away. He ran away from his parents with the van. And while he tried to reconnect with them later on with the letters, those letters were never opened. Greg probably never recieved a response from them, and he most likely didn't even visit to check on them, if the letters ever even arrived. Whenever there was gem-stuff involved, he ran away (quite literally), and in Steven Universe Future, when Steven crashed the van? He tells his son that he's proud of him for "telling him off", because he's glad that his own son can tell him anything.

Steven is distressed by this reaction. A lot.

And it's this reaction that tells him that Greg can't help him.

It's just such an odd reaction. You crash your dads van and he tells you he's proud of him? I mean what kind of reaction is that? You'd expect to be reprimanded. Or at least be asked something like "what the hell was that? Why did you do that?" But Greg didn't. He didn't confront his own son after crashing the very van he's built his life with. The only thing Greg did was make sure that Steven was alright physically.

And the next episode? The gems do reprimand Steven, but what for? For endangering his dad, who is a "fragile human". There was little to no concern for Steven himself. No "What was going on" or anything, just a "what were you thinking?" as if Steven crashed the van on purpose, which he didn't.

Steven never recieved any boundaries to keep him safe, and the only other family, the one he was actually living with, the Gems, most often left him completely alone unless there was a mission to complete. Steven mainly cared for his own self in his day to day life. He even seemed to do his own laundry a lot of the time, he was the one making sure he was fed at age 13 and up, likely also the one to make sure he had a personal hygiene routine. While we don't know about that last part, Greg wasn't living with Steven, and while i don't doubt he taught his son about personal hygiene, it was up to Steven himself to enforce it. If 13 year old Steven didn't feel like brushing his teeth some days, would anyone have made sure he did it anyway?

And what about education? We know Steven knows how to read and write and probably the basics of math as well. He knows the basics of what he needs to know, either taught to him by Greg or by Pearl, but anything beyond that? Physics? Chemistry? At least some basic science?

And not just education itself, school is also important to socializing, getting to know people of your own age group. Living at the temple, Steven was pretty much isolated. Sure, he knew people in town, but i don't think we ever see them actually visiting him, or him visiting anyone else just to hang out. And even when we do, it's pretty rare.

The closest thing Steven had to a friend his own age was Onion, and Onion is, well... he's Onion. And shown to commit legit crimes more than once. And Steven is often shown to be kind of scared of Onion, or at least uncomfortable around him. He takes it in stride, but I'm pretty sure if Steven ever thought about it properly, he would probably say that Onion freaked him out. Plus, Onion is much younger than Steven, seeing as Steven should be around the same age as Sour Cream (since they were both babies around the same time, though SC is probably a year or so older than Steven still).

Everyone around Steven was either his caretaker (who weren't very good at their job as proper guardian) or an acquaintance at best and likely unaware of what was going on with Steven at home.

Steven was isolated and neglected in vital parts of his upbringing, the best the gems did was making sure he didn't die, and Greg was no longer reliably around to make sure everything was alright, unless Steven came to him. And Steven was the one to take care of his guardians in their critical moments.

And still, Steven was a "good" child. He took care of his own physical human needs, with no one around to make sure that he did. When something bothered him, he took care of it himself. When others were bothered by something, Steven took care of them, too.

Even in battle, he tried to resolve everything peacefully when he could. When he couldn't, like with the corrupted gems, he fought when needed, to the best of his abilities. The more his powers came in, the more missions he could go on (the more time he could spend with the gems who were his family).

He made himself useful, not unlike a weapon: to be drawn when needed, and put away when not needed.

But he's not a weapon. He's an alive being with needs, emotional and physical. But the gems didn't seem to realize that. Greg wasn't properly caring for him like he should have. In the episode where Lapis steals the ocean, Greg even asks "is this what every mission is like for you, Steven? Because I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you going on these anymore." (i think he was interrupted then, but that's pretty much what he said) Greg doesn't know what happens on these missions, and even when he expresses his dicomfort with his son being put in danger, nothing actually happens to make that stop. Stevens physical needs were taken care of by himself. His emotional needs were often disregarded, not only by the gems, but by himself as well.

He made himself small, bottling up his issues and not bothering anyone with them.

And everyone else just... let him. Just let that happen. Steven was fine, right? If he's not calling for help, then everything must be fine, right?

The gems and Greg only ever started to say something in SU Future, when it was pretty obvious that Steven was no longer alright. When the problems became harder and harder for Steven to hide.

And even when it was obvious that he wasn't alright, Steven himself kept insisting that he was fine, because he couldn't be not fine, he had to be fine, because he couldn't help others if he wasn't, and if he couldn't help others, then what was he good for-

In "Growing pains", when Steven goes to the hospital, Greg is actively forced to confront his son and assure him that he'll help, that he's there for him, and they will figure this out together. And things seem to look up for Steven. Well, until the next episode, when Greg shows him the solution that helped him when he was younger. When that didn't help Steven though, Greg tried to push it on him again. When Steven lashes out at how Greg messed up with caring for him, Greg completely fails to see it and keeps saying how Steven had "actual freedom".

But too much freedom isn't much different from utter neglect.

And even when Steven crashes the van, Greg still fails as a parent. Sure, Steven is alive, but he refuses to confront his emotional wellbeing, the real problem. Greg Universe runs away again. Like he did from any gem-related issue. Like he did from raising Steven as soon as the gems took over. Like he did from his own parents.

And because of this, he would never be able to help his son. He could never teach Steven how to cope, because Gregs only way of coping seemed to be "run away from your problem". But Steven could only run from his problems for so long. He bottled his problems up and internalized them, but that bottle was always gonna burst sooner or later, and then what? Steven couldn't run from himself, because wherever he went, he would always be there.

His own father couldn't help him.

The gems couldn't help him.

Literally the only adult who was able to give him any sort of help was Dr. Maheswaran, and even then, all she could do for him was identify the problem.

Steven was on his own.

But it's not like he was dying or anything, so he was fine, right? As long as he wasn't dead, he was okay, he could take care of himself and everyone else like he's always done.

He always took care of everyone else.

So why were they leaving?

Why were they moving on without him?

Why are they leaving him behind? He's been good, hasn't he?

And even when he messed up, he always fixed things, didn't he? Always!

He fixed things! That's what he does! He's Steven, the one who always helps everyone and never needs help himself, but if they were leaving, was he really a good child? Was he really helpful?

But if he wasn't helpful, then... what has he been doing all this time?

If helpful Steven wasn't helpful, then he could only be a fraud.

No... no, he could always find a problem to fix! And if he couldn't find one, he would just have to create one! As long as he could create problems, he would never run out of problems to fix, right?

As long as he just keeps messing up and creating problems-

Wait...

No...

That's not right...

If he's creating problems, he's not helpful...

He's a monster.

[toki-is-the-king]

Toki Mental Health Headcanons:

(No hate please, you can disagree with me on this it’s just a headcanon I have + our Toki has autism so it makes sense to us).

-Toki most likely has autism but it’s undiagnosed because he was so neglected as a child; he never went to the Dr for anything, not even when he’d get fevers so bad he hallucinated. His parents didn’t care and also didn’t believe in going to the dr as it went against their religious beliefs; only God could heal. Often times when Toki was displaying signs of autism along with being physically ill all the time from abuse and neglect, his parents just locked him in the punishment hole for even longer, saying he needed to resist the devil or that Toki was disobeying God and was being punished by evil spirits. Toki has a highly stressful response anytime he’s sick now but does nothing much about it. And now he sees no point in going to the Dr, let alone a therapist or psychiatrist. The only times he really goes to the dr for check ups are when Charles forces he and the other guys or if his diabetes gets out of whack. Sometimes he still tells himself he has to ‘pray away’ his mental or physical afflictions due to his parents strict teachings, but it doesn’t work and he sometimes worries he’s actually possessed or evil. It hurts him so badly inside. He still doesn’t understand why they insisted he was evil, he still loved them but was terrified of them.

-That being said because he doesn’t have his ptsd or autism diagnosed or even know he has it, it just lingers for years and Toki doesn’t understand why he always feels so different from everyone else. And why people think his interests are childish and dumb or why he has meltdowns when somethings overstimulates him like the time he ‘accidentally’ might’ve murdered that dude at the Snakes N Barrels concert. He knows he’s fucked up but he lies to himself that he’s okay because that’s what he always had to do. Never having anyone to comfort him expect his straw clown doll and his imagination, he often regresses to a younger age to cope with his trauma and overall stress. He has panic attacks frequently too as well as nightmares and had social anxiety when he was a teenager. He beats himself up a lot, feeling the most fucked up out of everyone and having undiagnosed autism just makes him feel like he can’t even handle life. He talks to Skwisgaar about his internal struggles, knowing that even if all Skwisgaar does is nod and make brief eye contact, seeming half distracted with his guitar practicing, that he does care. Skwisgaar has his own personal issues and an ego, but he really does care about Toki and the two have a very close bond.

“Why’s Toki gotta have so many stupid problems things…”

-Toki doesn’t ever end up getting diagnosed, his distrust of the American medical system is part of it, also he’s just anxious about Dr’s in general, but he’s learned to self soothe and calm himself down over time. He enjoys having quiet time alone, focusing on a project, like building model airplanes or coloring, he likes to keep his hands busy so his mind has something to focus on. sometimes he just sits alone on his bed and hugs himself tightly or rocks himself until he calms down. Deddybear always brings him some relief.

-When nothing else works sometimes Toki gets explosive bursts of anger and destroys things, but he doesn’t have to be angry to break shit, it’s fun to break shit. Like lamps! Sometimes Skwisgaar or Pickles find him sobbing with bloody knuckles outside after fist fighting a tree or breaking random shit in the yard. Pickles always takes a brother like approach and brings Toki inside to bandage his hands, while Skwisgaar just takes Toki by the arm silently and walks him to his bathroom. He awkwardly helps Toki clean himself up and doesn’t say much. He lets Toki cuddle with him afterwards and it always helps Toki calm down.

-While some people with autism dislike being touched as it over stimulates them, Toki is the opposite. He always feels under stimulated. It could be because he was isolated for so long that now he can’t handle being alone for extended periods of time. He always wants physical contact with those he cares about. It’s hard being in Dethklok sometimes because none of the guys are affectionate towards each other and none are very touchy unless it’s with a woman. It makes Toki sad because he wants hugs all the time or to hold hands or play with someone’s fingers while sitting together on the couch. It’s all platonic (except with Skwisgaar, they’re more than friends but it’s complicated). Toki needs constant stimulation or else he’s anxious, bored, or fidgety. Being neglected made him even more clingy and now if anyone shows him an ounce of affection he is overjoyed and doesn’t want it to end. He loves long tight hugs and snuggling close to someone, glued to their side. Over the years Skwisgaar has eased up a bit and lets Toki cuddle him or hug him, they hold hands a lot when the guys aren’t around. Skwisgaar likes to play with Toki’s hair and it makes Toki the happiest guy on earth. He loves the smell of Skwisgaar’s hair and always presses his nose against his head when the cuddle.

Feel free to share any other Toki headcanons!

[uhshsmsmaka]

Kin list because I keep forgetting and I wanna keep it written so I remember

giving the biggest “please be my friend ur so cool please please please please” to whoever knows all of these characters

But I’ll say them here anyway, in order from the top left going right.

Mikey - rottmnt

SCP-035 - SCP Foundation

Tawnypelt - Warriors

Ennard - FNAF Sister Location

Dr. Iceberg - SCP Foundation

Moxxie - Helluva Boss

Space Kid - Camp Camp

Phone Guy - FNAF 1 (I think?? I never played the games..)

Phillip Graves - Call of Duty Modern Warfare (reboot)

uhhh idk if I label or spelt that right. I hope I did. That’d be kinda embarrassing if I didn’t lol..

———— why I kin them ig.

btw some stuff is headcanons like so and so being lgbtq and Graves having daddy issues

Mikey ROTTMNT- hell, there’s a lot of reasons.. it’s like… really personal with me lol

4th child, plus youngest. 3 older brothers and often gets left out, or brushed off from being involved. + aro/ace spec.

+ orange theme buddy agh I love u ur so pretty 💛💛

+ ADHD

SCP-035 - hmm.

Wants to watch the world burn, and is here for a good time and is really opportunistic with people, and often forms bonds with people for what they can give him… I’m a bad person I know. I’m trying to change.

+ Latin hehe

+ a lot of people really like him when they first meet, and learn the longer they spend with him, the worse he gets.

Tawnypelt - I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about her bc I didn’t read the 2nd arc, but from what I get, she seems to have struggled with gaining her own identity and being seen as someone other than a clone in her family. I struggle with people only knowing me for my brothers so I relate to her for this.

Also idk her leaving Thunderclan, despite her family, friends, and everything she knows and it being genuinely a good place she is comfortable and happy with— to Shadowclan so she can start a new life just touches me personally.

I don’t want to stay here. It’s not bad here, and everyone I love is here, but I don’t feel like I belong here, and I relate to her for it.

Ennard - yeah.. no, I got nothing. Idk why but he’s just like me fr.

Dr. Iceberg - HE’S AN ASSHOLE!!! I’m an asshole!!! Easily entertained, and doesn’t think of others that much, or the consequences of his actions. + mentally ill

+ bad taste in men

+ probably American with a small fraction of his ethnicity from Europe.

Moxxie - Daddy Issues. shit on by everyone. Underestimated kinda I guess???… and mixed morals. Often really polite— or at least is perceived to be, and is a thinker. Can go absolutely feral if necessary.

+ Italian I guess lmfao

+ short- ish..

+ adults and some older kids shall be referred to as ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’

Space Kid - he likes space. What can I say?

He’s so silly. A lot of the actions and stuff he does feels like stuff I would have done/do.

+ brown hair

Phone Guy - tries to help and probably fails. Hey, he’s trying.

Phillip Graves - Daddy issues. I also headcanon his dad was in the military and he moved around a lot and lived throughout the US, so he’s fairly decent at adapting to different places, and tolerate as hell. “It is what it is” mentality about most everything out of his control.

Finds that one person and looks up to them, and gets really clingy and obsessed with them. Doesn’t show it of course, but in his head he wants to impress them and please them in every way possible. *cough, Shepherd, cough cough*

(I met a lotta people I hyperfixated on giving away everything to make them happy. We’re just casual friends now. Except for that one. She was mean as hell to me. We still meet occasionally tho.)

Outside of headcanons, his personality and the way he acts is just very familiar and relatable to me.

+ American (wtf is a kilometer🦅🫡🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🦅🦅💥🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸)

+ makes shitty jokes no one laughs at

[heliosoll]

how did you deal with shifting not "working", like waking up in your cr after u went to sleep intending to wake up in your dr? like i know thats not a problem for you now, but before you shifted for the first time, how did you deal with that? for me, once i shift for the first time i have it scripted that ill be able to shift instantly etc. and ik technically thats true now, but after 3yrs of not seeing any progress, aiming to wake up in my dr is all i can muster. :/

Hm... if you mean how I dealt with it emotionally then:

I know it can be hard but don't blame yourself or insult yourself. You tried your best and that's what matter. Always be kind to yourself, even if you don't quite believe it yet!

Persist! Again, I know it's hard when it's been so long, but you've come this far. Ask yourself this question and answer sincerely, do you really want to give up? Some people might say yes, but if the answer is no, that's more than enough reason to keep going. You will shift. Believe in yourself more!

Take breaks when you need to! Don't let yourself get burnt out or spiteful toward shifting. If you need to chill and not think about it for a while, that's okay!

Try to stay motivated! Remember how you felt when you first discovered shifting or feel the emotions you know you'll have once you shift. Immerse yourself in your DR!

Now, if you meant what steps I took to actually shift for the first time after "failing" for a year:

First, failure in shifting doesn't exist. Trust me, I know how that sounds, but it's true. It simply doesn't exist. Whether you think of every action as a shift or not, failure isn't real. It's perceived. It's okay to feel bad and angry but once you've felt those emotions, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are in control and that you literally cannot fail.

As a side note on the "failure not real" thing, the only thing "holding you back" is you. Now listen I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, okay? I understand how shitty that sounds and how your first reaction is probably "fuck off". I get it! I had the same reaction back then. But literally nothing and no one can stop you from shifting. Not the method, the time of day, the universe, or any deity or spirit. Nothing! NOTHING is holding you back. I know it can be hard, but getting comfortable with the idea that it's all you and learning how to not blame outside factors will really help in your shifting journey.

Most of the time when people are "failing", it's because of a belief they have. Maybe they still think shifting is fake and have the belief that it will never work. Maybe they believe they're not powerful enough or worthy enough. Maybe they think shifting is inherently hard and takes some people a lot of time to get there. Maybe they think methods matter. I don't know what beliefs you have, but when you get the time, truly go over each and every one. Do you have a belief that could be affecting your shifts?

If that's the case, start telling yourself that you'll shift no matter what. I really need you to understand that you can shift whenever you want, regardless of everything. You don't need a perfect self concept. You don't need perfect mental health. You can have limiting beliefs and still shift. Nothing matters! Truly let that sink in. Internalize the fact that shifting is all up to you and what you're telling yourself.

And above all, have fun!!!!! Too many people suck all the fun out of shifting for themselves. They create these intense rituals they don't even like, force themselves to try methods they hate, constantly insult themselves, and get jealous of other shifters. It's awful! Shifting is supposed to be fun! It's not supposed to be something that takes all your energy or something that makes you miserable. Seriously, if shifting is ever making you feel bad, take a step back and reassess some things. Let yourself have fun with shifting and I promise you'll see a lot more results!

[anonzentimes]

LONG ASS ASK INKOMING ZEN so its super cold in brazil today so typing is a little hard and there might be weird typos fkshdkjd but

when i was like 14 i had online friends that were also 14 and were into danganronpa but all they talked abt was the flaws of the series and how much they hated the more problematic aspects of it, it was a constant wave of gender discourse and sexuality discourse and nagito is a bad portrayal of mental illnesses and miu iruma is too sexual and this character is bad cause of xyz and that character is bad because of this and that and honestly whatever the fuck else you can argue about this series about, whenever i mentioned that danganronpa seemed fun and id like to get into it my friends would tell me that its not worth it, that the series is fucking horrid that i should run the other way and be glad i never entered the hellhole that is being a danganronpa fan

so thanks to this and like constant fucking weird shit coming out of the hell hole that is the fucking dr fandom on Twitter for like, four whole years I straight up didn't touch the series. a series that I was so fully aware that I would love btw, because i was always into gorey art and i found the art of dr so pretty and the characters had such intresting designs and the pink blood was so cool and i love the killing game genre and the mystery solving aspect, of danganronpa seemed so cool, i did not go near this series with a fucking 10-ft Pole

until literally maybe some months ago at 18 years old a streamer I like said on stream something like "oh yeah danganronpa is fucking awesome im so glad i played it" and I was like fuck it, this guy has high standards, if he likes it it cant be that bad. and so I downloaded trigger happy havoc and i was so pleasantly surprised by it, sure case 2 is a case that exists but like other than that i immediately fell in love with this franchise, i loved almost everything about the game, then i started sdr2 and nagito took over every single part of my brain within 0.2 seconds of gameplay AND DR2 IS SO PEAK JUST IN GENERAL udg was super fucking fun i love touko and komarus relationship and the warriors of hope so much, dr3 was awsome even if i didnt really care for future arc despair hope and 2.5 were awasome the end of drv3 hit me like a truck and it genuenly took me a couple hours to understand that my beloved class 77b wasnt just retconned out of existence and currently im trying to kill executive dysfunction and procrastination and read dr0 and again want to replay dr2 cause my hyperfixated ass would rather play the game when she should be alseep to know what happens next than play it when she isn't too tired to understand whats happening lmao

and after i was done with the series i sat down and thought about how i let 14 year olds on the internet who im not even friends with anymore keep me away from something that now i hold so dear and close to my heart, and i wonder how many people who would love danganronpa will never give the series a chance because not only does the wider interner find it cringe but the fandom constantly tell potential new fans to stay away and act like its the worst midea ever written, the way some people are unable to enjoy what they love without guilt is so sad because not only does it affect them but also others

and this is super personal but i wonder how danganronpa would have impacted me if i got into it back when i found out about it at 14, how much different having danganronpa to hang on to would have made my life when i was burning out at school because i was trying to survive neurodivergency hell with undiagnosed autism and possible adhd

dangabronpa is awsome i love it so so much

YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL SO UNBELIEVABLY YOUNG OH MY GOD. I HEARD ABOUT DANGANRONPA WHEN I WAS 11 I'M PRETTY SURE AHHHH HAHA!!! Overall I think this raises a good lesson that we should trust our guts and from our own opinions on media. Look into things you're curious about, learn if it's worth it yourself, and come to your own conclusions! I feel bad for those who never get to understand Nagito Komaeda, let alone know he exists. This franchise has some negatives but the positives outweigh the issues entirely to me and I wish people gave it more of a chance. dangabronpa is awsome INDEED lmfao.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

I’m in a lot of pain so I’m thinking about my nova au to stay calm (tl;dr for it is basically metal sonic makes his own sonic oc the aforementioned nova to try and infiltrate and assassinate sonic's friendgroup, immediately instead decides that they're His Now bc being treated like a person is nice, transes her gender into literally all of them, and gets into the world's most hilariously consensually toxic qpr with sonic based around eventual murder) and the robotnik family in it is so fucking funny like.

eggman's first child ended up running off with his arch nemesis for one. i mean like nova and eggman's relationship is more complicated than that they do care for each other a lot even if their relationship is strained, in a mutually very fucked up way, but seeing your daughter making out with the guy you fucking hate so much you literally created your daughter solely to kill him is not exactly the best way to learn your little robot killing machine is growing up.

outside of that, though, their relationship is such a mess it’s very funny. like, nova is still metal just like his organicsona. but that also means nova has been treated like a person and until that point metal didn’t even see himself as one bc he wasn't ever treated as having full sentience. this isn’t because eggman is a dick- i mean, he is, and that does impact their relationship, but not in this case- he legitimately did not know metal had developed free will bc metal's response to it was literally just to be perfectly obedient anyway. so he basically learnt he had a very sapient mentally ill teenager Because he saw it hanging out with team sonic (specifically, nova took a blow meant for sonic bc it refuses to let anyone else kill him, the force interrupted it's shapeshifting and transformed him back to its neo metal sonic state, it was very awkward for everyone). so like, he genuinely feels kind of bad bc like even though his whole thing of having his robots see him like a father is mostly an ego thing bc like. that means he made a mistake!

and nova's relationships with Everyone are equally very ego based so in return she sees eggman as her father to boost her ego too- bc she views him as one of the few organic beings with worth, and therefore as special. but that also means xe treats him more like a young child than a father bc of hir superiority complex xe views organic life as inherently stupid and lesser unless they’re sonic bc it’s literally programmed into hir Because xe was made by someone equally as arrogant as them. so, like, their relationship seems very strained on the surface, especially since nova spends most of their time with sonic and his friends, but they actually get along great and have a great deal of respect for each other. i mean like it’s not like nova defected he's a neutral party who’s goal is to build up sonic to his peak to prove his superiority to him when he murders him he helps eggman as much as he helps sonic and his friends depending on the circumstances. she's tolerated bc she does make sure no one dies and also bc she’s a singularity level intelligence entirely fixated on that goal she's hilariously op in the au bc the idea of the most powerful being in a setting being someone who's so obsessed over a singular thing they never actually do anything with it is very funny to me.

sage is in this au definitely made as like a second attempt by eggman to be a decent dad and Not have his child run away and become skynet in a psychotic episode at fourteen. like probably not consciously but she’s definitely sort of a replacement metal in a subconscious way. which like you might expect would lead to resentment since nova is incredibly possessive but no they get along really well. by this point metal's been living primarily as his organic oc for four years and while he's not fundamentally a different person as nova a lot of his traits present differently and one of those ways is that his sense of superiority tends to manifest less as obvious smugness but instead as treating people like they're children or pets in need of care, which isn’t, like, exactly great but it is genuine progress for the guy who murdered people for fun as a fourteen year old y’know. and that means she ends up as sort of like a mentor big sister type of figure for sage, who looks up to her a lot.

speaking of like taking on a mentor role bc they view themselves as superior, we get into shadow. who Is nova's distant cousin technically bc sonic lore is wild like metal sonic and shadow being distantly related through adoption is actual canon i was given on a silver platter by sonic team. anyway like nova ends up being very much a sort of mentor figure to shadow during his amnesia mostly bc it sees itself in him. they’re both inherently superior to those around them, they’re both very lost and alone at that point, as far as nova's concerned shadow is close enough to themselves that he's worthy of “help”. which is mostly kicking him in the shin and smugly telling him if he was a robot he wouldn’t feel pain then horribly misunderstanding literally everything going on worse than shadow would alone but it is a genuine effort at helping. so after they do have a very awkward but cordial relationship bc nova does show genuine kindness through her own very warped perspective to him but also like it is absolutely not at all helpful. (that is generally a decent description of nova's relationship with everyone she cares about, though, she fundamentally does not think the same as an organic life form and therefore attempts at empathy and kindness come off as weird and uncanny bc she's a sadistic murderbot who views being damaged as fun bc she doesn’t have a sense of touch and thinks she knows better than everyone else).

so like, tl;dr they are the most dysfunctional family in the world but like. in a funny way.

[found-family-tournament]

Found Family Tournament Round 1 Part 13 Group 61

Propaganda and further pictures under the cut

Nightchord25: Kanade Yoisaki, Mafuyu Asahina, Mizuki Akiyama & Ena Shinonome

Wayfarer's Crew: Rosemary, Ashby, Sissix, Jenks, Lovey, Corbin, Dr. Chef, Ohan

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Nightchord25:

Usually in Project Sekai, I don’t really have any people I ship as a polycule,..well except Nightchord25. And there’s good reason for that too because there bonds with each other is just so…mwah. But anyways, why are they found family you may ask? Well they’re 4 mentally ill teenagers so plenty hurt and comfort there. There’s Kanade Yoisaki a girl who’s mom died at a young age and father is in the hospital because of stress. Kanade blames herself for her father’s hospital trip and compensates for it developing a savior complex, becoming a hikikomori who creates music in an attempt to “save people.” Her lifestyle is quite unhealthy as she spends most of her time creating music neglecting food and sleep. Next, Mafuyu Asahina the lyricist and arranger who has a “good girl” facade but in reality is unhappy and empty as she lacks an identity due to her mother’s manipulative behavior causing her to be a people pleaser. She’s spent her whole life pleasing others that she’s forgotten her own self, that she wants to be when she grows up? Well her parents want her to become a doctor but she truly doesn’t know. Thirdly is Mizuki Akiyama, the video editor. Despite Mizuki’s cheerful and peppy demeanor which contrast the other characters, Mizuki is an incredibly lonely person and is ostracized at school. This is because Mizuki is heavily implied to be biologically male despite dressing in feminine clothes. There’s a lot of debate on Mizuki’s gender identity but one thing for sure is that because of Mizuki’s looks, the students around them think of Mizuki as weird and strange. Lastly but not least is Ena Shinonome, the artist, Ena’s a very blunt person with a bit of a tsundere personality. Despite her outgoing demeanor she is also surprise, surprise, depressed. Ena has a social media account to that’s quite popular but what really matters to her more is her art account which barely gets any followers. Ena is an aspiring artist, wanting to become professional. But she struggles with her lack of talent as well as her inferiority complex because of her dad brutally telling her that she can’t make it in the art world and that she has no talent for it. Which…while I get what he’s trying to say as he is also an artist,..that isn’t exactly the best thing for him to do.Now that I’ve introduced you the cast, what’s there relationship like? Kanade has a special bond with Mafuyu as when Kanade and the others discovered that Mafuyu’s happy mask was a hoax and in reality she’s lost all hope and is empty, Kanade vows to help her find her true self which at first by creating more songs. Mafuyu denies the help but eventually gives in. Throughout the story Kanade learns to understand Mafuyu more and aaahh we see Mafuyu start to crack a smile every once in a while because of Kanade’s music. Kanade has also helped Ena by giving her encouragement with her art as Kanade genuinely likes Ena’s art and Kanade is the only person who Ena never bickers with. Mizuki has also helped out Kanade alot with them pushing Kanade out of her shell and making her go to places more. Mizuki finds comfort in n25 as they’re Mizuki’s only friends which why it hurts them so much as they fear that they will leave Mizuki if they found out their secret. In this way, Mafuyu and Mizuki foil eachother with Mafuyu being her true self with Nightchord meanwhile Mizuki hides their secret from Nightchord cuz of their fear of possible backlash. Both of them out on a facade one way or another. Ena ended up sensing that Mizuki was hiding something and in the end tells Mizuki that she’ll be waiting as long as Mizuki wants to tell their secret one day which makes Mizuki feel even more guilty. Now Ena’s relationship with the Mafuyu. At first Ena doesn’t understand Mafuyu. She doesn’t understand why she’d wanna disappear when Mafuyu is so talented which is something that she wants. While they definitely didn’t get along in the beginning slowly but surely they started understanding n being friends<33. There’s probably more I missed but I’m sooo tired lmfao

Wayfarer's Crew:

Sorry, I got no propaganda for them yet :(

[arabaka]

hello everynyan !!!!!!!!!!!!!! how are you !!!!!!!!!!! (jokes aside) i missed you all! i wanted to give an update on this blog and my wellbeing. but i also wanted to be transparent! i’ll include a TL;DR so if you want more info, please look under the cut!

LOVE  YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

original pinned post

TL;DR:

ill be going by my first name now! names jackie, pleasure to meet everybody!

i have bpd and that resulted in me having a terrible breakdown that ended up hurting my friends. i have since made amends and strengthened the bonds with SO many people. 

there is someone i engaged with frequently on my blog i have since blocked. i ask that you be mindful of sending me mp100 fanfic/fanart. i won’t disclose this person’s identity.

i’m BACK! so expect to see me <3

as some of you may know, i suffer from BPD and am believed to be on the spectrum. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. some quick notes on this disorder and what it entails:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

now people with bpd experience something called splitting and this is:

BPD splitting is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). It’s when a person sees everything as black or white, good or bad, or best or worst. Splitting is a defense mechanism people living with BPD use to deal with emotions (such as the fear of abandonment) that they cannot handle. 

this past week, i had the worst episode ive had in a long time and some of you may have seen it going by the last few posts on my blog. i was incredibly volatile, distrusting, and upset but worst of all, i let that affect my relationships. i vented to some people, very similar to the sentiment i was posting on here, but i also said some pretty hurtful things that made these people feel like i discredited their love by saying i didn’t feel that way from anyone. but the thing with bpd, and a lot of other mental illnesses/disorders… it warps our perception and our view on reality. 

all these people wanted to do, like many of you, is help and i pushed it all away preemptively due to past trauma was rejection and abandonment. but this hurt one of the most important people in my life and on top of that, i subtweeted that person on a venting insta for the purpose of hurting them. it’s a big regret of mine and i’ve vowed to NEVER let that happen again to ANYONE. 

mental illness/disorders can explain your reactions and actions but should not excuse it.

i have since made amends with my best friend and everything is back to normal, if not better because i have a new appreciation for her and our unbreakable bond.

but i can’t say the same for someone else, someone that i engaged with pretty often and someone that was special to me.

but i learned that this person… was never a good friend. 

they showed their true colors and showed that they were not as supportive as i thought. now, that’s not to absolve myself of any blame! because i did hurt them too! but instead of being open to communication and growth, they said i had hurt them several times without ever bringing this up to me. they expected me to listen to their venting but suddenly couldn’t when it came to me. that they didn't have the capacity to do so. yet, were upset that i didn't confide in them?

this person is out of my life now. i’ve blocked them on everything. i won’t disclose who this person is but i will be triggered by their art/writing for a long time. again, even though this person has disappointed me greatly and hurt me in turn (with other things i will not go into), i do not wish any hate on them. with that being said, please let me know who the creator is before you share any mob psycho fanart/fanfic with me and i’ll let you know if it’s okay or not.

fortunately though, this taught me a lesson. a lesson in appreciating my friends (AND ALL OF YOU!!!), trusting their word, AND watching what i do and say so i don’t hurt people.

moving on to my content, i am going to be BACK!!! back and posting!!! so expect my ass B) 

we’re back to normal, we’re healthy and we’re striving for growth!!!

[mega-ringsandthings-world]

I know we’ve talked about this via messages, but I wanted to ask again about health issues (mental aside) they’ll have to deal with from being tortured for two and a half years straight.

Not just that, but also the scars they accumulate—do those cause issues? Is part of their bedtime routine putting on scar cream so the skin can move less stiffly through out that day? Is it a ritual every night that they try to perform without fail? Does Mihawk let Shanks get his back? Does Shanks let Mihawk treat his Haki burns?

Are some of their joints messed up from being dislocated so many times? Do they hate cold weather and winter islands most of all? Can they feel an oncoming storm or the weather patterns just from the aches in old broken bones?

Are some days so bad for Mihawk's hands, which are scarred and broken to hell and back, that his fingers just shake all day? Does Shanks get crippling migraines from all the times he was punched in the head?

Do they take medication? For the pain or for their mental illnesses? Now I’m just imagining them dragging themselves miserably to Drum Island for a checkup to make sure nothing’s going to kill them physically or have long-term effects from their captivity, and Dr. Kureha just taking one look at these two miserable kids absolutely riddled with PTSD and going, "Okay, whack that shit out," and prescribing them Lexapro.

Not to mention the stress probably rewired their brains, and the brain damage from getting beaten around so many times. What about their immune systems? High stress and lack of proper nutrition can mess that up forever. Oh, and weight gain is going to be different as well as bone density and muscle loss. They are going to be a mess.

There's also the grief that comes with the loss of bodily autonomy in this way. They had a bright future and young, healthy bodies that have been traumatized. Now, not only will they live with the mental scarring but also the physical scarring that will affect them in fights, breathing, or just being for the rest of their lives. Think of Mihawk just staring at himself in the mirror, grieving the health he had before, how he's scared he’ll never be the world's greatest swordsman, that they taken that away from him like so much else. Think of Shanks crying over the thought he might not get to explore the world because of his migraines.

But at least they have each other! Hopefully, they also learn to lean on each other when shit gets bad and take up accommodations for their issue. I don't know; Mihawk is headstrong but more about efficiency, and if wearing a brace or taking a certain med means he'd be at his peak, then I can see this Mihawk swallowing his pride and doing it. Shanks, on the other hand... I don't know, maybe?

Ooh, more logistics. Bodily logistics, that it. The severest issues come from the initial healing process, like the scar on Mihawk's leg which keeps him bedridden for months. When they heal, it falls to the people who are treating them to maintain continuing treatment for the scars that are left, because they won't be in a fit state to do that at first. But yeah, they get into a routine of care for themselves as they get better mentally, Mihawk especially. And while he wouldn't let Shanks near the scars on his back for quite a while, he'd insist on treating Shanks. The Haki burns are going to be something he's guilty about, naturally. Hm, Shanks' left arm was fractured at the elbow and the burns on Mihawk's knuckles would have damaged the tendons there, and they both have dislocated a shoulder/wrist/rib/knee numerous times. Cold weather/pressure drops/high humidity all exacerbate injuries, so yeah, they'd avoid all of those if it could be helped. Shanks spends a lot of time slumming on beaches for that very reason. Mihawk would probably like cold better than he does heat, so his preferred basking spot is Kuraigana, which was picked for its atmosphere. Yes to them sensing storms. Shanks in particular actually finds that useful. So, dislocated wrists, damage to the nerves/tendons from the burns on Mihawk's knuckles would cause tremors even if his hands were never broken outright, and those mixed with stress/anxiety/sleep depravation can get nasty. Shanks develops migraines due to the head trauma, that come in varying levels of severity. Suffice to say, there's days when neither of them are in any state to do any daily tasks, or much of anything. (they still push themselves to, though) Pain meds, mostly, Mihawk self-medicates on Haki, Shanks alcohol. Sedatives in the early days, when they need to be calmed down. They do get taken to Drum Island at some point, and they'll get a cocktail that takes them off the edge. More on that later. (Kureha would have stock of Lexapro somewhere lol) Speaking of which, they might need short-term anxiety medication and help mitigating (they won't go away) the stress responses they've developed. They amount of head trauma would probably mean permanent damage in real life, but memory issues here, probably. They're kept marginally well-fed, seeing as how they need to be kept alive, and they get enough that their growth isn't stunted to the extreme, but it's not the nutrition that's up to par for two-young men. They'll grow up leaner, having to work to put on muscle definition. Their on and off EDs don't help, and neither does getting sick more frequently until their immune systems regain full health. It looks hopeless to them at the very start of their recovery. Looking into the mirror at every flaw and bleeding wound, feeling utterly weak in every cell, it'll be hard for them to imagine returning to even a shadow of their former selves, let alone advancing past that. Which brings it's own mental issues, of course. And the horror of having to be so weak in front of each other. Which makes them reluctant to have a hand on each other's recovery, at least up until the need to be with each other takes over. After a while Mihawk treats the accommodations he needs as just another thing he needs to do to stay on top, like exercising, doing sword drills, sparring. In canon Mihawk obviously takes care of himself and it's the same here (mostly). He adds it (braces, pain meds, exercises) into his meticulous routine and that's that. Shanks, on the other hand, tends to lean more towards curing the issue than preventing the issue, he'll wait until something can't be ignored to do something about it, out of his own pride. And then it's fuck it we ball and washing down pain meds with liquor, which always gets Mihawk pissed at him.

[lorrainedeverra]

The Mind's Invisible Chains

Have you ever felt afraid of something without knowing exactly what it is? What if the fear is there, lingering, but its source remains a mystery?

Now, there's a difference between what we call 'fear' and 'anxiety.' One might also consider adding the term 'depression' into the mix. So, what's the difference? Let's explore.

First and foremost, I am no expert on these matters. What I share is simply based on what I've learned over time. I welcome corrections if you find any inaccuracies in my words.

According to research by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (2021)¹, signs of fear can manifest physically as:

- Rapid heartbeat

- Shortness of breath

- Sweating

- Trembling

- Chills

- Dry mouth

- Nausea

Additionally, the physical and psychological signs and symptoms of anxiety include:

- Feeling nervous, restless, or tense

- A sense of impending doom

- Increased heart rate

- Shortness of breath

- Sweating

- Dizziness

- Ear ringing

- Trouble concentrating

- Trouble sleeping

- Gastrointestinal (GI) distress

- Difficulty controlling worry or ruminating

- Urge to avoid anxiety-triggering situations

- Feeling insecure

As you can see, fear and anxiety share many similarities, which can make it difficult to distinguish between them.

As my psychology professor once explained, fear is being afraid of something you are certain about, while anxiety is the fear of something unknown—an unease without a clear source.

Let's have examples.

・❥・Situation 1. You are terrified because you fear the injection.

・❥・Situation 2. You planned to go to the beach today, but you worry that it might rain despite the sun shining brightly, which would mean your trip could be canceled.

In the first situation, fear is present. You're afraid of the injection, and you can clearly identify what causes your worry.

According to NAMI, our fear responses are automatic reactions.

In the second situation, anxiety is present. You’re worried about a potential event, even though it may not actually happen. For instance, on the first day of school, you might feel anxious about introducing yourself to the class, with numerous 'what if' questions arising in your mind.

According to NAMI, anxiety can be confusing for our bodies, as it may stem from past or present experiences and influence our actions. Kirk (2013)² also notes that anxiety involves worrying about potential threats that have not yet occurred, or might never occur.

Depression is indeed more complex and serious than simply feeling down. It’s important not to use the term lightly. To understand why, let’s delve into the meaning of the word.

Depression is a mental health condition characterized by persistent feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and disinterest in various aspects of life. It can impact sleep, eating habits, and daily activities. According to the CDC (2023)³, you might consider yourself depressed if these feelings persist for two weeks or more.

If you're experiencing fear, that's perfectly normal. As mentioned earlier, fear is our body's natural response to a stimulus.

However, if you’re feeling anxiety or depression, it’s important to reach out to individuals you trust, such as family, friends, or others. Seeking professional advice from a counselor or therapist, psychiatrist, and psychologist can also be beneficial. They can help you manage and cope with these feelings.

Find ways to help your mind alleviate nervousness and sadness. Spend time with loved ones, engage in your hobbies, exercise regularly, maintain a consistent sleep schedule, and even try to smile, even if it feels forced.

Trick your brain into feeling better because, according to research, a smile can indeed boost your mood. Dr. Isha Gupta, a neurologist from IGEA Brain and Spine, explained in an article by DiGiulio (2017)⁴ that smiling triggers a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing hormones such as dopamine and serotonin.

"Dopamine increases our feelings of happiness, while serotonin release is linked to reduced stress. Low serotonin levels are associated with depression and aggression," Dr. Gupta stated. "Similarly, low dopamine levels are also connected to depression.”

Don’t give up! You’re not alone on this journey. As I often remind myself, "No matter how many times you fall, just keep standing up. Each fall teaches you lessons, making you stronger and better for the future." Just take a deep breath and hold on.

I hope you found this blog helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

References:

𓇢𓆸 ¹ Hendel, H. J. (2021). Anxiety and Fear: What's the Difference? National Alliance on Mental Illness. https://www.nami.org/anxiety-disorders/anxiety-and-fear-whats-the-difference/

𓇢𓆸 ² Kirk, N. V. (2023). Understanding fear, anxiety, and phobias. McLean Hospital. https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/fear-phobias#:~:text=Fear%20is%20the%20response%20to,the%20lookout%20and%20remain%20aware

𓇢𓆸 ³ Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). Sadness and depression. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/howrightnow/emotion/sadness/index.html#:~:text=When%20a%20sad%20mood%20lasts,often%20or%20all%20the%20time

𓇢𓆸 ⁴ DiGiulio, S. (2017). Smiling can trick your brain into happiness and boost your health. 2017. BETTER by TODAY. https://www.nbcnews.com /better/health/smiling-can-trick-your-brain -happiness-boost-your-health-ncna822591

1 comment

zanenunez 2nd Sep

Wow

[valictini]

(Kind of a follow up to my silly little comic since I had WAY too many thoughts and I couldn't fit them in because I wanted it to stay light hearted)

My personal take on komahina is that they both absolutely end up falling in love at some point, but Nagito would never allow Hajime to date him.

(Warning, it’s kinda long)

Not only would he feel like Hajime is too good for him, that Hajime would be wasting his precious time on trash, but it would also make Nagito too happy, and Nagito has a bad tendency to link his happiness with his ultimate luck. It would make him think that the joy of dating Hajime would cause catastrophes, so the best, most hopeful thing he can do is avoid dating altogether. In his head, he’s doing the reasonable thing ! He's shielding everyone from his bad luck ! But he would still love him so he would absolutely tell Hajime how much he means to him and hang out and even flirt with him…. so long as he doesn’t reciprocate. Which would probably upset Hajime at first, thinking he’s being played with.

It would require serious mental wrestling to convince Nagito that it’d be ok for him to date anyone, let alone the Ultimate Ultimate. You’d need to convince him that his happiness isn’t always tied to his luck. Dare I say, you’d have to make it so that him being treated with respect and even affection isn’t an exception anymore, just a normal part of life, thus not something he'd feel overly lucky to have. (That one would be more of a collective, long term effort though)

It’s a very arduous task, especially with how unconvinced Nagito probably would be. ESPECIALLY especially if you take into account the fact that you’re on a goddam timer because of his illness.

There is a possibility that Nagito feels more of an equal to the others post game though, since they were all bad guys and thus, all much closer to his own perceived level of trash (not a particularly good way to think, but it's a start nonetheless) I can see everyone working on themselves and their guilt and learn to forgive themselves for the horrible things they all did, and Nagito on the side being like “you all are doing such a good job!” Without realising that he could apply this to his own existence… though he would probably think it can’t apply to him. In his head, he'll forever be trash.

At the end of the day, I think the quickest way for them to make this happen is for Hajime to bring up his talents and basically tell Nagito that his luck is nothing compared to his own luck, and therefore can’t hurt anyone with it. Althought it's probably the most convincing argument in Nagito's eyes, one might wonder if it's really the best solution for these two, especially for Hajime who most likely has his own bagage to unpack regarding his talents. Like, first of all, is Nagito in love with him or the hope his existence apparently brings to the world? Or maybe even Izuru? There's just.... So much to take into account man

Tl;dr komahina is a really cool concept and they totally fall in love but the real challenge is HOW they end up dating because i can't see Nagito allowing that to happen so easily. To me it would either take an extraordinary amount of hard work AND/OR use Hajime's talent flex. But then is that really a good solution when Hajime probably has a complicated relationship with his talents?

Not saying that it's impossible but yeah. It's so hard to pinpoint how ! And I still feel like I'm missing some parameters !

(Not bashing on anyone else’s interpretations btw, just sharing my own, these two have invaded my brain as you can probably tell)

If you’ve read through all this, congrats, here’s a random sketch I drew while figuring out how to draw the comic lmao