#dysphoria making me lose hope of ever looking the way i want to so losing motivation to care of myself

[sleepyboywrites]

Hey there, do you wanna do yandere headcannons for the creepypasta characters? (Specifically Trans or Cis Male Reader) whichever once you want, I did it with the TF2 characters and it was tons of fun

Hey! I hope it's okay if I just do an in general Male Reader because I don't like to use specifics unless it's necessary, like for trans/cis exclusive experiences ie: dysphoria/euphoria, overly descriptive nsfw if I ever end up doing something like that, and/or things like periods which cis men don't experience to allow more people to relate. In short I just don't want any male readers to feel excluded if it's not an exclusive experience if that makes any sense.

Also I apologize for not posting in a bit and taking so long to respond to this turns out I have too many thoughts about this particular prompt actually so this will probably turn into individual series/posts after this one

Yandere! Creepypasta x Male!Reader.

Tw: yandere behaviors kidnapping, murder, physical or psychological abuse, slightly spicy? for a couple Idk, it's nothing descriptive just mentions of a perverted mind and could possibly be interpreted in that way

Eyeless Jack

• obsession obsession obsession. Beastlike has things he stole from you in a nest. Kills people who interact with you. Almost wolf-like if I had to put a fine point to it.

• At first it's just people who were mean to you, hurt you, or made you feel badly about yourself because surely a boy like yourself would praise him for being so helpful to you, right?

• Then it's anyone who gets too close or appears to like you romantically.

• Then it's anyone you spend too much time with which interferes with time meant for him.

• He's delusional, but in the practical sense.

• Think, "I'm doing this to protect him" , "Those people would hurt him eventually", "He's not safe on his own, he needs me to look over him." "The outside world will tear him apart."

• Stalks you 24/7. You are never without eyes on you but you also don't have a clue he's watching at first.

• After all he only steals things you haven't worn in months or you could chock up to misplacing.

• And he's a hunter so he specializes in stalking whether for food or in personal matters.

• You won't know he's there until it's too late.

• He'll make his move to kidnap you once you've essentially isolated yourself out of fear to those around you dying. He'll treat you gently during his kidnapping.

• Using his medical knowledge he'd give you anesthesia as you sleep and take you home.

• May remove an organ or two as souvenirs, treats if you will to add to his nest.

• Once you are in his possession he will add you to his nest and you'll wake up pressed firmly into his chest as he mumbles incoherently.

•If you ever try to leave he will make you pliant in anyway he can think of. He's not above physically harming you if that makes it so you can't leave him. He worked so hard to retrieve his mate and he won't lose you even if he has to hurt you or you end up hating him but you will stay.

Ben Drowned

• A lot like EJ he's also always watching difference is you are always overly aware of his presence.

• He wants you to know that he's watching. He wants you to interact with him. Even if that interaction is you yelling at him and begging him to leave you alone.

• He is 100% playing some sort of sick game with you that he knows you'll lose. Think you'll develop Stockholm syndrome before he even kidnaps you.

• If he ever leaves you alone for a few days you'd find yourself missing the teasing remarks and add ons normally added as you went about your day.

• All due to his tendency to drive people insane of which you are not immune but the trail of your insanity leading directly to his arms.

• He knows this and is overly cocky about it both to your face and to others. Think, "oh poor you, you love me, what an unfortunate situation." To your face the first time you fall asleep around him with a stupid sick grin or "I'm going to kill you and he's going to come to me for comfort and protection when he finds out." when talking to someone he's deemed bad for you.

• He wouldn't go on a murder spree without a trigger but then like Jack that'll devolve into killing anyone he disapproves of which is everyone else.

• He has a general distaste and distrust of people due to the nature of his creation and will find an excuse to kill anyone around you should his murderous intent be triggered which can happen in three different ways you're constantly distraught by someone, you start ignoring him to be around someone else, or you've failed to keep him entertained so he needed a more entertaining situation.

• Possesive with a capital P, if he does not know your precise location or have you within arms reach at any given moment he will lose it.

• Clingy but veiled with indifference. He'll act as if he doesn't care but insist on keeping some kind of contact at all times. Once he physically has you this would be physical contact and before hand just following you everywhere saying he doesn't have anything better to do.

• Will use psychological and emotionally harmful methods to keep you in line if you ever try to reject him or his advances but claims won't hurt you physically in anyway.

• His vice grip on you reveals otherwise though. Enough so to encourage you to go along with him.

Laughing Jack

• I feel he'd court you in cat-like ways. If you've been in his box more extravagant shows with him as the lead, carrying you around places. (Being weary to let you leave until he eventually stops letting you leave.

•Leaving you gifts that go from sweet to scary really fast. Think your favorite treats and then your loved ones' hearts carved from their chests so you never have to leave him again.

• He's the king of being delulu and reacts poorly to ungratefulness so do try your best not to scream or hit him when instead of cotton candy he has a loved one's head on a stick.

• You can try to gently coerce him to stop killing your loved ones in order to isolate you and making you stay forever/to let you go. But he'll say "you're being silly" and "here is where you belong you goofball of a boy. " covered in your loved ones blood as he ruffles your hair.

•The accidentally kill you for being ungrateful/not accept him and keep your corpse like your still alive type.

•Keep it lighthearted and the Jester is your friend. If you don't and mention troubles he'll fix them violently.

• Is constantly coddling and cuddling you.

• Since he was once a guardian angel and he believes his murdering of ungrateful children is God's work, he sees you as a present for all his good work.

• Like a child being gifted a puppy on Christmas.

• Bone crushing hugs and grips that bruise your skin and make it so it hurts to move but he acts like he didn't mean to and gets moody if you push him away or say he's hurting you.

• It's an act though, he likes seeing you squirm in pain and the expressions you make trying not to cry when he holds you.

• He thinks it's cute. He thinks you're cute when you're in pain.

• On a lighter note, he 100% is the type of clingy to hold your sleeve going places or to poke you (mostly) lightly in order to get your attention.

Homicidal Liu

•The softest in this lineup.

• I believe the term is dormant Yandere? Yeah. It is, because you wouldn't guess something is off until something starts getting between the two of you.

• You remind him of before his traumas, whether that be you look like someone who was kind to him before or upon first meeting you were genuine, honest, and kind. You make him feel safe and calm or as calm as Sully gets and he's never letting you leave him.

• He'd incorporate himself into your life truly getting close to you. Like this is months if not years long in the making. He becomes the closest person to you in your inner circle and you're the same for him. He plays the long game.

• You guys live together and you probably already like him the same way he likes you but both of you are too awkward to talk about it and Sully has been forbidden to say anything or Liu threatened to take his meds. Or you guys are in a long-term committed relationship already.

• Protective, possessive, and obsessive but fairly level headed. He is aware of the reality of the situation. Ie: his possessiveness is giving you his clothes and repetitive thoughts of "mine" during times of physical contact or seeing you in his clothes and needing texts or where you are, why you left, and when you plan on being back as well as if anything changes. He obsesses over your likes, dislikes, mannerisms, emotional cues, and interests so he essentially knows you even better than you do. Protective being watching over you as you sleep in situations where it's acceptable to do so and setting up security systems for the house.

•More likely to grab your arm or hug your knees and sob "please don't leave me" than he is to ever hurt you. The most agressive he gets is when Sully is fronting but even then the likelihood of him hurting you above holding you a bit too tight is 5% and reserved for extremely specific occasions which virtually don't happen. Ie: you find out he's a murderer and react too poorly in a way he didn't expect, you leave him cold turkey, you treat him poorly

• Clingy always needs some kind of contact most of the time this equates to holding hands/pinkies in public and ensuring the two of you are essentially attached at the hip. Though because he's entered your inner circle you just think it's because you two are close and that's the product of your closeness.

• His hunting turns into stalking and killing those who've been bugging you and you've talked poorly about whenever he feels his bloodlust bubbling over.

•'Cause if he kills people you've said that you wished would die or that you hate you'll be able to forgive or even praise him right?

• Unlikely to kidnap you unless he gets caught/found out then he'll probably relocate the two of you but he'd rather talk to you about it beforehand so it'd be a last minute emergency type thing. Or if you spend too much time away from him.

Jeff the Killer

• Doesn't play games of any kind. He'll observe you just long enough to learn about you, your schedule, who all knows you, and how frequently they check in. Then he'll remove obstacles and he'll just just take you.

• Impatient and the shortest fuse known to man.

• He's not afraid to hurt you in fact he enjoys it so the more perverted side of him wants you to push him and his expectations.

• The chain you up in a basement type

•He'll kill anyone involved with your life so when you beg him to let you go with tears in your eyes saying you have people waiting for you he can tell you with certainty that you don't. Not anymore. Laughing as he tells you and stroking/tugging at your hair.

• Degrading and mean to the point where you can't tell if he hates you or not. Uses pet names in a derogatory way as well.

• Pretty distant and cold even after you warm up to him and he lets you wander around a contained and highly surveillanced area, though it's probably just the torture basement he chained you up in to begin with.

•Most affection you'd get is a pat on the head or shoulder.

•Any other form of affection wouldn't really feel like affection.

•Wants to break you into a mindless doll essentially for him to love, use, and abuse. But the breaking you into it is very important to him.

• Will torture you severely for any mishap.

•The only way you can tell he's attracted to you beyond physically, is if he goes too far with the torture, when he's patching you up, or when he brings you something you like/he likes.

•Though he talks to you sweetly sometimes after you pass out and/or are slipping into unconsciousness. "You were made for me, sweet boy." "So good for me." It wigs you out though.

•you will feel like you live on eggshells as try your best to accommodate to him.

• you are most likely to go insane and learn to crave his mistreatment.

Ticci-Toby

• Delusional. He is convinced you and him are in love and have the white picket fence dream. Complete with a German Shepherd and two adopted kids.

• And because of the way his brain is scrambled once he starts thinking about you regularly he can no longer tell what really happened or what was a daydream.

• Hopefully he has a good enough grip on reality to have actually interacted with you before his delusions convince him that you need to be with him at all times and he kidnaps you.

• 'Cause if not he's going to be really confused as to why his boyfriend who told him this is what he wanted is freaking out to the point of needing restrained. You'll hurt his feelings and he'll probably successfully gaslight you into believing his delusions himself.

• Also the lock you up type but more in the paranoid of others stealing you from him way, so if it's not together you aren't going.

• Like Jeff he allows you to roam around a highly surveillanced and locked up area but unlike Jeff it's an actual house and not a basement.

• He will hole up with you for weeks until duty calls or the house runs out of supplies

• Very "I love him I love him I love him I love him" coded and needs you to be just as enthusiastic.

•The hurt you on accident and profusely apologize immediately after but loves how you look when you cry and tremble as he patches you up type.

• Think someone telling him something that insinuated his affections towards you didn't count so he grabs your arm and squeezes it as you try walking away, asking "Toby... you're hurting me." He says wide-eyed struggling for only a moment as his kidnapper/partner tightens his grip with steel cold eyes. "Tell me it counts. It counted right?" (may or may not be my first ex-core as in my experience based)

•He feels really guilty about it too and periodically he will be crying into your lap forcing you to comfort him after an outburst because he feels just like his dad and he hates it.

Tim/Masky

• Much like Homicidal Liu and Hoodie he is actively incorporating you into his life. Difference is he's trying to manipulate you into thinking he's the only one you can trust.

• Uses the White Knight Method, which in case you're unfamiliar is a highly efficient manipulation technique in which they solve your problems while unbeknownst to you being the source of said problems until you become obsessed with or fall in love with the "knight" protecting you.

• If you feel like someone is watching you, he's toying with you. In fact he'll probably show up shortly after from the opposite direction of where you think watching is coming from and ask you if you're okay. Revelling in the look of fear on your face as you gush to him about what's bothering you and promising to protect you as he walks you home.

•He'll sabotage your relationships by making you think that they're the ones who've been leaving disturbing gifts on your doorstep/trying to hurt you.

• It's very much so a game to him and you're the prize.

• He's the type to want to see every emotion you have to offer.

• He's also the likes when you smile and likes when you cry more type

• But his need for you to need him and seek him out basically nukes the previous headcannon and makes it so he settles for comforting you when as far as you know something/someone else made you cry.

•Essentially by the time he's done with you, you'd beg to never leave his side, for him to keep you close and keep you safe but you don't have to because that's right where he wants you.

Brian/Hoodie

• Stalker alert! He's watching you sleep and following you everywhere

•Also uses the White Knight method but he uses what would have been a one time scary occurrence and uses that occurrence as a scapegoat to make more situations/scenarios which isolate you and bring you closer to him.

• In fact, his protection is a gateway to you, his foot in the door.

•It starts with him stepping in when things get scary then you see him somewhere you frequent and you talk to him or he talks to you and numbers are exchanged.

• After of which you are his clearly. Obviously, you just don't know it yet.

• Then he starts staging more scary, making your loved ones hurt you/turn on you/are the culprit in a scary situation until he's all you have. Until you need him.

• Mans has hidden cameras all over your house.

•You know where most of them are after all it was his idea, he said it was for your protection. What you didn't account for is all the hidden cameras in the gifts he's got you.

• He's the quiet, doting, infantilizing type.

• As in he genuinely believes you are too small, weak, and pure to know any of his intentions and he treats you as if you have no clue about anything always. Babies you constantly at a gradually increasing weight until it's suffocating.

• He wants to lock you up and protect you.

• Gaslighting king, if you catch on or try to leave him he will gaslight you into staying.

• Think "Baby boy what are you even talking about everything I've done was for your protection and your protection alone. There's no secret cameras you don't know about you're being silly." Or "Sweet boy, I've never done anything you didn't want or need. I'm very intuned to your needs and you need me. You need to be protected, you aren't safe unless I'm near."

• So genuinely and heartfeltly said that you'd clearly be the bad guy for even thinking like that and with how deep he has you you'd believe him too.

[tyunn1ngz]

not sure if u write for transmasc reader but imagine one of the boys worshipping you and fucking you senseless while telling you that ur their good boy (+ whatever dynamic bc im a sucker for couple dynamics 😋)

im nonbinary w bad dysphoria days and love being called a boy as well as everything else i write of course i will talk abt this happy pride month to my fellas i love u so so much!!!!!!!!!! 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

taking my default route of making this abt kai but despite biased i can also just very much see him in this kind of role </3 (who else literally cried over sk8r boi cover and hearing ‘tough luck that boy’s mine now’ bc i did LOL)

kai who loves his pretty boy more than anything on this earth, who looks at you like you’ve hung the stars in the sky yourself, who just can’t believe his luck because someone as lovely as you wants to be with him. he doesn’t realise how lucky you are to have him just as much! :((

kai who is so gentle when it comes to exploring your body, so tender with how he touches and always wary about where you would want him to touch. always wanting to undress you, every inch of exposed skin so so stunning to him— but if you need anything left on he’ll work his way around it to make you feel good anyway. (ex. will let you hump against him in just your underwear til you shake and cum on him, and he doesn’t even ask for anything back :((( just so enamoured w wanting u to have experiences with unadultered pleasure because you deserve it as much as anyone else)

kai who asks you to let him eat you out, sometimes posing it as ‘sucking you off’ just to make you breathe a little harder. kai who’s so enthusiastic as he gives you head, holding your hands and moaning into your cunt because fuck, you taste so good. your voice sounds so hot, you’re so hot. the prettiest boy he’s ever fucking seen.

kai who pushes his cock inside with the prettiest moan you’ve ever heard, hands gripping at any part of you he could possibly grab at as he shakes and trembles. so needy and already breaking apart at the seams just seeing how fucked out you get from having him inside you.

kai who loses his control and starts fucking you with reckless abandon once he realises you can take it. and fuck do you take it, you take it better than anyone. such a good boy, his good boy.

nothing in kai’s head but ‘mine, mine, mine’ as he rails into you, panting into your mouth and pawing at your chest if you’ll let him. so possessive because he knows to thank his lucky stars every night, and even just the amount of trust you have in him brings him so much closer to the edge. not that he’d ever admit that, scared that him making a deal out of it would even remotely spook you.

‘so beautiful, so perfect. perfect boy for me, nobody compares. my good boy— ah! takes me so well. my pretty boyfriend. love you so much. feels so good, love you, love you, wanna feel you cum. need it.’ he’ll babble, a hand between your thighs to help you over the edge of your orgasm as he thumbs at your clit, or sometimes even calling it your cock just to see how you’ll react :3c

expect your legs to be out of commission by the end of the night, but it’s okay because he just beams at you, flushed cheeks scrunching up with his smile as he pratically throws you over his shoulder.

‘you’re my pretty prince to carry everywhere anyway.’

got a little out of hand w this one … hope u like it ! AHAHAHA

[starter-library]

TRANSGENDER DYSPHORIA BLUES BY AGAINST ME! LYRIC STARTERS

feel free to change phrasing as you see fit (happy pride month, we're celebrating with one of my favorite albums)

CW: Mentions of transphobia, suicide, overdose

“Your tells are so obvious” “You want them to see you like they see every other girl” “They just see a faggot they hold their breath not to catch the sick” “I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you” “You've got no cunt in your strut” “We can't choose how we're made” “Who's gonna take you home tonight?” “Yet to be born, yet you're already dead” “God bless your transsexual heart” “Well, you should've been a mother you should've been a wife” “You should've been gone from here years ago you should be living a different life” “Even if your love was unconditional it still wouldn't be enough to save me” “What makes you think you're going to die any different?” “Welcome to the future an always ice-cold nightmare” “This night too will end” “Look at all them bitches, yeah I'm going to fuck them all” “There will always be a difference between me and you” “What's the best end you can hope for? Pity fucks and table scraps” “What's the best thing you can hope for? A blindfold and a ball gag, Burned-out eyes, grotesque beauty” “Where would we be without all the distance?” “All things made to be destroyed All moments meant to pass” “I never wanna say that I regret it, Never wanna say that we grew apart, And never wanna say that the feelings changed” “How would you even recognize me?” “There's a brave new world that's raging inside of me” “You don't worry about tomorrow anymore Because you're dead. Or does anything still echo?” “Well I know she still remembers She sleeps with your picture by her bed” “God damn, I miss my dead friend” “She waits for you to haunt her” “Two coffins for sleep, One for you, one for me. We'll get there eventually” “How lucky I ever was to see the way that you smiled at me” “One day soon there'll be nothing left of you and me” “All the things that I have yet to lose will someday be gone too” “All things will fade, maybe it's better off that way, I wish you'd stay with me” “Our waking life's just a living dream agitated states of amazement” “I don't ever want to talk that way again I don't want to know people like that anymore” “I want to piss on the walls of your house” “I want to chop those brass rings off your fat fucking fingers as if you were a king-maker” “I don't want to see the world that way anymore” “I don't want to feel that weak and insecure as if you were my fucking pimp; as if I was your fucking whore” “All the young graves filled. Don't the best all burn out so bright and so fast?”

[deadmothwalking]

I really hate how as you grow older, the spaces to meet trans and other queer folk dramatically drops unless you want to go to a bar and get felt up by an old man who has internalized homophobia and a wife. Im transmasc, 21, and it's been years since I met someone also transmasc and in my area(Washington state)and im so LONELY. Do I just not get to have that sense of community because im an adult now and all the spaces I used to love are flooded with baby gays? Who I can be around to provide support, but who are of course way too young for me to really get too close? I'm not just talking romantically i mean friendships too, all my friends are cis, sometimes bi women, and I love them don't get me wrong! But the DYSPHORIA. It's getting to the point that I'm losing hope in ever finding someone like that you know? I think the last time I met a transmasc person who was my age was like. 2019. Other Washington state residents please please give me some advice. I'm not doing so hot and I feel really alone right now. Could just use a flash of hope that my fellow transmascs are out there. I'm not trying to complain, I know we have it a little better now than in the past, and of course I love the rest of my community. All of you, no matter what you identify, the queer community is my community and anything that is outside of cisgendered hetromantic and hetsexual(even w all the new terms im pretty sure that's the same right? Correct me if I'm wrong)is part of my community. I'm a loving person. I just. I don't know I hope this comes off as im intending it, im just looking for a sense of kinship I guess. And yeah relationship stuff too, I like men but I have some past stuff with the pp that makes it hard for me, plus it's hard to find men that are cis that still see me as a man too. I've always preffered dating someone that understands. I'm really not trying to have any ill intentions here. i just see a severe lack of spaces for queer people my age in this area where theres actually other people the same age. i hope im making sense.

[stainedglassthreads]

A lot of people have been talking about that new Undertale book that is available for pre-order. Obviously I don’t have it, so I can’t confirm or deny anything said within it. But I heard, in a section talking about how important the number three is to Undertale, it mentioned there only being three Dreemurrs. 

@/under-lore has dissected this, as well as there apparently being ‘three entities controlling the vessel’, and it does seem like something that can be called accurate. But it also just. Makes me incredibly sad? Just like how fanfics and AUs deciding the only way for a happy ending is to kill Flowey, it makes me sad when Chara, who was loved by the Dreemurrs so deeply, who monsterkind seemed to consider one of them, is considered ‘not a part of the happy family’. I obviously can’t tell why every single fanartist chooses not to include Chara, and I didn’t pay for any of that art so it’s not like I can complain about or dictate their artistic choices. But just... it’s sad. 

They fell into the Dreemurrs’ lives, they brought hope, they ruined everything, and now nobody even says their name aside from Asriel. They are the reason things are the way they are in the Underground now, but they’re also gone, but they may not have considered themselves the Dreemurrs’ kid, but they also made a sweater that says ‘Mr Dad Guy’ so maybe they did, or just wanted to make Asgore happy by pretending they did, or did it as a favor to Asriel? 

I dunno. Maybe the book was wrong, or meant ‘three boss monsters’ instead of ‘three Dreemurrs’. Maybe Chara felt they didn’t deserve to be a part of the family being human, or had bad hangups about people who are their ‘family’, as many headcanons of their backstory involve them either losing family members or coming from a highly abusive home. 

It’s also kinda interesting in a way, though? Kris experiences a lot of dysphoria about being human, but they DO seem to be considered by everyone, the town, Toriel, and Asgore, as being ‘Asriel’s sibling’. Everyone doesn’t refer to them and Asriel as being ‘like siblings’, Asriel is repeatedly referred to as Kris’ brother. Kris is viewed by many as being ‘Deltarune Chara’, and while I strongly believe Toby WANTS you to compare Kris to both Frisk and Chara, this could be a deliberate difference to further establish Kris as their own person. While both Kris and Chara have a deep discomfort with humanity, Kris considers themself a Dreemurr, while Chara considers themself ‘disposable’ or just ‘a soul’.  

Frisk, meanwhile, has the choice at the end of the game of deciding to stay with Toriel or go other places. If they do stay with Toriel, nothing ever says that they consider Asgore their father, or Asriel and Chara their siblings. Certain AUs, such as Inverted Fate, have Frisk choose to stay with someone who isn’t Toriel as their ‘family’. Perhaps they consider themself an honorary Dreemurr(it certainly is a popular headcanon), but there’s no confirmation that they do or don’t. 

At any rate. The book is interesting, but whether it’s ‘canon’ or not depends on your definition of canon. It grants a new way of looking at and contextualizing the game, but people are entirely free to just play the game and never even touch bonus materials such as the Winter Alarm Clock Dialogue and the book, there is a valid point of view that a story should be self-contained and not require materials published after the fact to be understood properly. 

[poodle-anon]

☔️ for the ask? I love hearing about concepts! Especially the ones that’ll never hit the paper.

-miniscrew

OH BOY this took a minute to think on but I think I got one @miniscrew-anon

For the life of me I can’t figure out how to write it, but I really really want to explore Wild’s relationship with his dysphoria/lack thereof. I’ve genuinely tried putting it to paper more than once, but each time I can’t seem to get the vibe quite down in a way that resonates with what I enjoy about it in my head

Under a read more because it’s long, and has to do with HRT, gender dysphoria, panic attacks, discussion of needles, and trans!Wild having an overall Bad Time for a day within a 99.99% positive experience being trans otherwise. 

As a disclaimer upfront, I am transmasculine nonbinary myself, and feel that I have a right to depict explorations of that experience in combination with binary ftm experiences. Also, this is NOT a story about detransitioning or “forced feminization,” do NOT get it fucking twisted or I will hunt you down. I will find you. This is about euphoria and dysphoria and happiness with one's body but clothing/presentation causing issues.

So for background, in my headcanons, I’m pretty convinced that Wild normally doesn’t experience dysphoria at all - something that very much separates him from Champion, whom is a very binary trans man. Wild woke up in a very masculine post-transition non-op body, Champion had been very satisfied with himself and his transition, having begun it as a teen with access to puberty blockers prior to hrt, so he never went through estrogen puberty. Wild is at first pretty bad at keeping track of and administering his hrt shots, something that Champion was very strict about and pretty much never failed to keep up with. At first, the other guard boys had to help him with them when he did remember because the anticipation of a shot is TERRIBLE for wanting to get it done when you have adhd and it’s something you don’t really think matters in your own personal upkeep. Eventually, Wild just kinda gives up on it with a happy shrug and carries on his merry way in his very androgynous body, transness usually being a fun afterthought for him. Even when he starts retaining fat differently, and growing breast tissue through lazy estrogen puberty, he’s having fun with this new experience! Heck yeah more gender fuckery, he’s having a great time being a man while doing it. Nobody in his life invalidates his gender over it. Period.

However.

There is an idea that I must credit to Stormy for sparking but has been making me lose my mind (/pos) over ever since, wherein at some point Wild goes to the mall with one of the other boys (possibly Hyrule, possibly Wars and Sky, never been able to figure that one out) to shop for higher end lingerie. (I see this fic as separate from and kinda irrelevant to the second puberty concept, so disregard that point for now and play with me in this space.) And he picks out some really cute finds! He's very happy with some lacy little numbers that he knows will go well with his eyes or whatever, but you know how they make lingerie that comes in pairs with bras that are equally as cute? Well, he goes to try one on, and standing there in the changing room, looking in the mirror, the world kinda stops.

There’s this overwhelming sense of badwrongbad while looking at himself in a bra. He doesn’t recognize the person in the mirror, he doesn’t like that person, and has no real way of articulating it to himself why.

Now, bear in mind, Wild very technically is a dissociative fugue state initially brought on by a severe concussion, which is a WHOLE OTHER can of worms I hope to explore one day. As thorough of a personality change there is though, he’s not as stable of an existence as I think he presents

So something about how he feels about seeing this sets off a dissociative panic attack that is probably the closest thing that he’s ever come to Champion surfacing into active memory, bearing some resemblance to the one in The Brave that was set off by Time playing the ocarina.

But is the bra too small? The wrong material? Who knows. Doesn’t matter. He’s suffocating. His skin itches like hell. He needs this thing off now.

Once he exits, the guys he’s with immediately notice a shift. He’s uncharacteristically serious for a beat or two, maybe even recognizable if he’s with the guard boys, but if he’s not nonverbally putting stuff on the reject rack, Wild laughs it off as nothing being wrong. Either Wild or someone else points out they can go get a smoothie after Wild decides he’s not buying any clothes, and his day gets a little better. The temperature of it maybe makes his nipples a little hard and Wild doesn’t know why he’s so aware and uncomfortable with that right now, but the others might also notice that he’s still periodically itching where the band and straps were until they get home.

By the time they leave the mall, he’s more or less fine and all of the Overwhelming Dread has passed. That night though, he puts a blanket over the mirror in his room. And when he curls up in bed, there’s this shuddering sigh that leaves him. That kind where you're just on the edge of crying but don't.

Anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk :) 

[picathartidae]

random OC ask: say your OC is a love interest (in BG3 or a relationship-heavy game format of your choosing) — what does their first romance or "deepening the relationship" cutscene look like?

Oooo. Oooo!

So. So so so. He’s still Dark Urge, just as a companion? That’s what I’m going with. Though I’m not entirely sure why anyone would want to romance Alassane because he’s complicated and insane while also being unabashedly asexual, but hey, it’s fun to think about.

The whole romance route would be kinda really dark. He’d swing wildly between wanting to be close to the PC because he’s desperately depending on their support, and wanting to be as far away from them as possible. Alassane’s whole gimmick is that he’s losing his grip on both himself and reality in general, and his overall arc has some psychological horror elements to it that would have to be a major part of his romance as well. It probably wouldn’t be the funnest of times.

I feel like it would trigger after the unavoidable death that happens with Dark Urge in Act I, either soon after or later, depending on his approval. I imagine there was a choice of actively supporting him, simply agreeing to keep him around, forcing him out of the group, or just straight up killing him in response. So, by this point, the PC has taken his side at least once in a pretty major way — whether they outright supported him, or just allowed him to stay.

The actual scene itself would probably be similar in structure to Shadowheart’s first romance scene, I think. He’d approach the PC and ask to talk privately, and probably make a point of proving that he’s unarmed and doesn’t intend any harm.

In the event they agree, he’d lead them away to a different area, where he voices his genuine surprise at and appreciation of the PC’s support, despite everything. He’d try to get to know the PC, asking more questions about them in an effort to deflect away from himself, but there would be an insight check to figure him out, and if that’s successful, an option to push him. Upon success, he’d open up about what he actually remembers of the murder in camp (very little), his blackouts, his amnesia, his nightmares, his dissociation, and his dysphoria. Eventually, he’d suddenly cut himself off and kind of disbelievingly note that he never thought he’d ever actually tell anyone any of this, concluding that he trusts the PC, which genuinely surprises him.

Regardless, because he’s more comfortable with the PC, more of his pre-amnesia personality starts to come out as his guard is lowered and he stops masking. He would do this sort of very noticeable and mildly uncanny shift into something much more charismatic, flirtatious, predatory, and generally dangerous. He would suddenly pull in very uncomfortably close when it happens, as well. Things wouldn’t go further than a kiss before he’d sort of catch himself and very abruptly pull away in a panic, ending the scene.

I hope that made sense? I really hope that made sense. This idea fascinates me so much.

[madladmorty]

Hey, I’m so sorry I know you don’t know me and I’m not following you, I don’t mean to pry or invade your privacy I’d just love to share something with you more like I need you, I’m Ameera 23 years old, and I’m calling out to the community 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 to please support us so me and my girlfriend can come out, we have dreams about going for pride rallies,clubs, to be able to kiss in a park express love with no restrictions or fear of being caught, we are both from a typical religious Muslim family, we are know as best friends by our families and friends, we have made this decision to come out to everyone so many times but couldn’t because of how homophobic our parents are due to religious values and ethics. Any one from a typical religious Muslim family can attest to how important it is to follow the rules and moral that are in the holy Quran, So we have come to a conclusion to be ready and be prepared for the worst, Cause the price we may have to pay is to lose our families and maybe friends and of course their support, so we have decided to get an apartment and move in together and start a new life where we can freely be who we really are, and here is where we need your support, though we both work and have some money saved up, but we still need help, getting and setting up an apartment is a lot so we will definitely need all the love and support we can get(donation link pinned on page), Thank you for your donations so far,but we are still 37% to the goal so please add your own bit,I know everyone have one or two things we go through, and this is not me imposing on any one to help, but if you can with how ever little, it will be so much appreciated, and if you can’t, kindly reach out to encourage us cause we also need that as much,This is the biggest and hardest decision we have ever had to make and please share to whoever you feel can help. We shall draw strength from the pride to pull through this, I’M NOT A SCAM feel free to go through my page or do whatever to confirm and my DM is open if you have questions or requests to clear your doubts, I believe pride is for all

Hello Ameera!

I'm so sorry but my broke ass can't donate, I'm just a little bi disaster trans boy and art student. However, you ever need a cheerleader or an emotional demon I'm right here. I hope all goes well for you and your girlfriend, I absolutely feel you guys. I'm looking into trying to save up over time with my friends to get a property in rural-ish Wales where we can all be queer in peace. my family is forcing me into the closet against my will because I'm supposedly "too feminine to really be trans" which is crushing me every day a little bit more. unsupportive families are truly a tough thing to deal with. they brush it off as nothing because they never saw it while I'm here struggling to get out of bed because of dysphoria. I want to help in any way I can. my comments sections and ask box are always open to you, don't hesitate to message if you need a boost.

[munvermaniac]

I need someone else to hear me on this so afab agender Jason (he/they) who’s heavily closeted (Except from Eddie) and very confused about their gender (hes transitioned to a “man” as in hes on T and everything and he looks masc but he realizes he’s not a man he’s just- genderless) and amab nonbinary Eddie (he/they/it/etc) who’s very open about his gender and knows what he is (modern au cause that would be tricky in the 80’s) helping Jason come to terms with his gender/lack thereof

Thanks for the ask and sorry this took a while! I had lots of fun writing about this, I hope it was close to what you had in mind :)

Even though Jason lived in a small, rural Indiana town, he’d known what the word “transgender” meant for a while. When he was a teenager, he made the jump to transition, and his parents supported him every step of the way.

He’s already passing as a man when he realizes that he’s still feeling dysphoria, but this time towards the masculine traits he thought he wanted. It’s more comfortable for him than being perceived as female, sure, but in the same way a wooden bed is more comfortable than a stone one. It just doesn’t feel right.

When he meets Eddie Munson, they’re doing introductions for the English class they share. Eddie is sitting next to Jason and the teacher is going around the room asking each person to introduce themselves. When she gets to Eddie Munson, something interesting happens.

Eddie leans back into the chair and crosses their arms, the picture of confidence, and says, “I’m Eddie Munson. I’m nonbinary. I go by they/them, or he/it if you feel so inclined. If anyone has a problem with that feel free to shut the fuck up, because I don’t give a shit.”

Before that moment, Jason hadn’t ever heard of someone being nonbinary or using they/them pronouns. He scoffs, because that’s just not a thing. You’re either male or female. He wishes there were more options He’s fine with what he has.

Jason doesn’t say anything to Eddie at that moment, because he doesn’t want to bother making enemies. But as soon as he gets home, he googles the term “nonbinary”.

non·bi·na·ry

an umbrella term for gender identities that are not solely male or female‍—‌identities that are outside the gender binary

He feels something click. He googles “they/them pronouns” next, then “genderqueer”, then “agender”. It’s a lot to take in and he has a lot of questions.

The next day in English class he sits next to Eddie Munson again, and asks them if they want to talk outside of class for a bit. Eddie’s a leader in the school’s GSA Club, and Jason says he wants to talk a little about different trans identities. They nod and give Jason a time after school, with a phone number and a map to the GSA’s meeting room.

There isn’t an official meeting today, but that was better for Jason. Better to have not as many people there. He tells Eddie about everything; the dysphoria he feels despite transitioning, the whole “nonbinary” thing, how he was raised to believe in male or female with no in between. They listen dutifully and calmly and at the end they tell Jason, “Why don’t you try going by they/them for a little bit, just to see how it feels?”

Jason says sure, what do they have to lose. They use the new pronouns for a week, and it feels great. Jason didn’t know they could be this content with themself. They tell Eddie to keep the pronouns for another week, just to make sure, then another, and another, and eventually that’s just what they go by.

It feels right to be neither male nor female, and where Eddie says they feel like everything all at once, Jason feels more like nothing at all, and they love it.

They still keep playing the sports they want to, and their parents are super supportive. Sometimes they still go by he/him when they feel like it, but Jason’s happier than they’ve ever been.

[trans-seraphim]

I'm making efforts to hide my typing style, though you'll probably know who this is, which is okay. I am very picky about people knowing about my being trans and I don't forsee that changing, but that is fine. Please don't identify me publicly if you know, feel free to do so privately if you are not certain.

It was more than a year since I sent an ask into your blog sharing my hopes and fears for the future, and thanking you for your blog documenting your own transition. At the time, I was very scared and depressed, as you would expect. Dysphoria is dangerous. It is often a scary force, and it resulted in one of the worst times I have ever had. I am sure you have had times like that before.

After a long and painful wait, I am three months on HRT. There is so much more to be done, so much more waiting I have to do to feel its full effects. But I am at least happy that I am doing something to help myself and my mental state. That is what is important to me. I am not happy about my identity as being trans as some other trans people are, I don't mean it in a "Not like other girls" way, but it is how I feel. And that is okay.

Maybe in the future, that pride will come to me, but it's comforting to know I have made it this far. So thank you.

I hope to check in next year with good news.

I'm actually not sure who you are, but I do remember your previous message!

I definitely know what that feels like. In the depths of my dysphoria, I felt like it would never end. I am so happy for you that you are finally on HRT!! It's such an exciting milestone, and for me it is what I look to as a moment where it felt like my life could truly begin. I am so proud of you for going after what you want and need.

I have heard others say they feel that way about being trans, and I understand it to an extent. It's scary and can be very painful at times, but it's so worth it. You are under no obligation to feel happy about being trans, but I think it is important to keep in mind you should be proud to be you. I know that sounds kitschy, but it's true. You are involved in a process of creating yourself, surely in ways not even connected to your transition, and that's powerful.

Never lose sight of the fact that you can make a change if you need to. To me, that is the lesson being trans imparted and where I draw my pride from. The worst times of my life are the times in which I forgot that.

I do hope you are able to find pride in your identity, but more important than that is to build a life that you find fulfilling. Being trans is a very important piece of the puzzle, but it will never be all that there is to who you are.

I am looking forward to hearing more from you!! Feel free to DM me, send updates more often, or whatever you feel comfortable with. It is an honor that my blog and story have resonated with you. To me, that alone would make everything I've been through worth it.

[tqotsx3]

When you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers. (not forced ofc)

hey sorry i fell off the face of the earth cause WOWIE i took a while to see this, ive just been busy with school and some other stuff

also i love this prompt! i dont really think about myself often but i should appreciate who i am more! and i think people should appreciate who they are and the joy they bring into the world more too!!

i dont know how id pick just 10 of my favorite followers (they are all so cool), so if you follow me and ur reading this, if you wanna you should also take some time to appreciate yourself and post 5 things you like about yourself

ok ill stop stalling

Being able to tell when i did something wrong - part of the reason it took me so long to even respond to this was because i was in the process of reconciling with my old friend group. I had left about two years prior because i fell in love with my best friend and had gotten rejected, and at the time i was devastated, so much so that i pretty much cut contact with all of my friends from that group. I lived off of mainly spite and shame for what had happened for about 1 year, after which i tried connecting with other people at my school. this eventually led me to figuring out my gender and really looking at how my feelings had shifted over the years that I was gone, and while i felt much less angry, i still couldn't bring myself to join back. atleast, not until i saw a viral tweet from one of the friends of that group, which made me realize that by leaving the group i had missed so much, and they had missed so much of my life too. I joined back with my friends on december 1st, which i will remember fondly for the rest of my life. i know what i did was wrong now, and i consider leaving the biggest regret of my life so far. but just like that, i also consider rejoining one of the greatest joys i have ever experienced. i guess what im trying to say is that i know i mess up, like all the time about a lot of things, but i think im pretty good about owning up to that and admitting my mistakes.

2. Lack of Shame - oh boy what a great thing to follow up my trauma dump, lets go full horny now!! ok not really, but ever since i realized i was trans ive kinda let go of any shame about my body image or what i enjoy sexually. when i was a kid i used to fucking hate myself for being overweight, thinking i was wrong and i needed to lose weight constantly. and then when i got older, i also did that but for a porn addiction i thought i had (which later turned out to be my gender dysphoria manifesting but i didnt know that for another like 8 years). and now i dont bash myself for these things, its so nice to live my life without judging myself for every little thing that i perceived as wrong with myself. looking back on it, its kinda crazy since a majority of the things i hated about myself i never really had a problem with, it was moreso that there was a strict societal standard that wormed its way into my skull and made me think i was inferior when i really just wasnt. so anyway i hornypost 24/7 to all my friends and theyve all gotten tired of it (in a joking way, ofc if any of them were actually uncomfortable with me doing that I would respect that and stop immediately). anyways i need to be bred to death like a female axolotl

3. kindness - i sure hope i am!!! i try pretty hard to be nice to people and to make sure everyone around me knows theyre loved and appreciated and that they bring in so much joy to the people around them and to the world in general!!! at the end of the day i want everyone to be happy!!! on that note i need to get into the habit of saying this more but FREE PALESTINE!!! i cant really hope that everyones happy without condemning a literal genocide happening

4. curiosity and a lil ambition - i like learning things!! and i like that i like to learn things!! ive been happy going to school and learning about topics that interest me (mainly chemistry and computer science) and im glad that i have an interest in learning cause this world is so fucking cool and i want to learn how it works!!!!!

5. direction - and after all that has happened, after all my struggles and my losses, and my victories and my epiphanies, im just so proud of myself for finally knowing who i really am. there were times when i was alone where i would wonder if i would ever be happy, if i would ever figure out what i was supposed to be doing. i dont think i would ever have expected my life to be at this point and i am just so happy that i finally get to enjoy my life. I hope that everyone i ever know and everyone i ever dont gets to experience this too.

if you see this, just know that you are invaluable and awesome to have around. know that if you are lost, you will find who you are one day, you'll know what you want to do, where you want to go, who you want to be.

much love to you all.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[kosmicposum]

Vent Post

Writing hasn't been the same for me for a while. I have so many ideas, but I no longer have the drive or passion to complete them anymore. I suspect it has a lot to do with my first full-length story that I actually made it through the first draft of had a co-author, and that co-author betrayed me in ways I can nor will never forgive.

For some reason, it doesn't feel as good to work on stories by myself. I don't think it ever did, either. Maybe I miss the daily conversations about the plot and the detailed scene breakdowns. Maybe it's the lack of someone with a different perspective offering words that work better, or that helped me take the scenes in more impact full directions.

Maybe I'm just too codependent to write by myself.

A million ideas I can never finish. Scores of characters that have no worlds to call home. Arcs that mean so much to me that never get to see their completion.

And I hate myself for not being able to do it. I'm weak for being incapable of writing by myself. I'm useless for my lack of drive and follow-up for things that I know would mean something to someone. Anyone. I don't even have someone who I can give daily updates to, or that fangirls anytime I come to them with one or more new chapters or character introductions. But on the other side of that same hand, I no longer trust people to share that much of my writing with anymore.

I don't know if I'll ever recover. It's been three years and I still haven't fully recovered. I'm able to write again, sure. I'm able to start a story and hammer out basic skeletons of the arcs and character paths. But I simply can't continue or finish them after a certain point.

Sometimes I get 13-15 chapters in and lose my drive. Sometimes I only get 2-3 chapters in and abandon it. I just....can't do it anymore.

And I hate myself for it.

I'm not looking for pity, or answers. I just needed to write this somewhere. Somewhere people could see it, so maybe others like me won't feel so alone. Maybe I want a heart or two to show *I* am not alone. I don't really know anymore.

There's just so much self-loathing now whenever I try to pick up a pencil or take to my keyboard. And every time I see the laundry list of WIPs I have laying around, it always makes me feel so shitty. Like I failed the characters. Like I failed as an author. Like I failed my younger self.

God, she used to be so passionate about books and writing. She used to be hungry and eager to keep up with current releases so she could be at the top of her game when she finally started publishing. So bright eyed and full of hope, overflowing with ideas and worlds she was overjoyed to one day share with the world.

And now I can't even finish a basic outline. I'm deeply terrified to share my truest literary passion with anyone, and the rejection sensitive dysphoria is paralyzing when I make the mistake of actually sharing my writing.

I know deep down, one day, it will get better. One day, I will heal whatever part of me is broken, and the words will flow like crashing waterfalls. One day I will be able to write a story; beginning, middle, and end- and I will be so proud and full of joy that I will sob.

But even know it feels the same as it did that day three years ago, and every day after it. And even now, I can not fathom ever being able to bring something that beautiful to life ever again. Even now, I feel like whatever broken part of me that keeps me paralyzed will never, ever heal.

Being an author is madness, both when you do write and when you physically and emotionally can't. Being full of words that you can't release is agony, and every day just existing is painful. I hate being silent, but feeling like using my literary voice is an action that deserves death is far worse than the torment and pain that comes with the silence. It feels so much like a punishment for something I never asked for, penitence for a crime I didn't commit.

I just hope that one day it gets better.

Even if it means I never write again, and the creativity in me dies. Because I don't know how much longer I can suffer this.

[lurrlonde]

took me a long time time to figure out that taking care of my body didnt have to be about my looks, but instead for my health

my body is not a last priority, its a high priority

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

[sunsetcurvecuddles]

(intimacy of "how did you know that?" "because I know you") for lukebobby if you could please?

this is, i believe, the oldest prompt i have from you in my inbox LOL but here we go!

when my brain gets bitter | luke x bobby or luke&bobby, 1.3k | warning for descriptions of gender dysphoria/mentions of unsafe binding | ao3 link in reblogs!

--

“Huh. Nice of you to stop by, Mercer.”

Luke stops and blinks. Bobby’s in the doorway, leaning his shoulder on the doorframe, arms crossed, and grinning at Luke in a way that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. For a moment, Luke gets lost trying to analyse his expression.

Bobby seems to take this as Luke missing his joke. “Because of the pacing,” he explains, like this should be obvious.

“Right,” says Luke, too late, “because Alex—yeah, yep. Good one.” Now that he’s stopped walking from one end of the studio to the other, he feels the nervous, horrible energy starting to build inside his body again, finds himself bouncing on the balls of his feet, rubbing his hands over his arms even though they feel all strange under his fingers. “Is he, uh. Is he here, actually? Or Reggie? Or anyone? Obviously you’re here.” Luke laughs. It sounds awkward and stilted even to his own ears.

Unsurprisingly, Bobby doesn’t look reassured. “Uh, nope. Just me.” He pauses. “I mean. It is nine on a Thursday night. They’re probably home.”

Right, with their families. Luke tastes resentment, bitter and coppery like blood, in his mouth. Man, he wishes he could tear his own arms off, his body feels so wrong. And his ribs hurt when he breathes in.

Shit, his ribs hurt.

“Luke,” says Bobby, slightly too quiet, too careful. Luke misses the mocking tone from when Bobby had just arrived. “How long you been wearing it?”

For some reason, Bobby’s concern is always the hardest to bear. Alex is very upfront with his worry, nagging and pushing and insistent; Reggie hides his, manages to pass his worry off as other things. Bobby is the worst of both worlds – involved, and he cares, but he thinks he hides it when he doesn’t at all.

“It’s fine,” he says, in the least convincing voice ever, because he hadn’t grabbed extra clothes when he left his parents in a rush of hot-headed impulsivity, so now he's stuck in this stupid tight tank top and if he takes his binder off it’s going to be so fucking obvious and he’s already so upset with how the rest of him looks and feels that he can’t handle the idea.

Bobby’s looking at Luke now and just like his tone before, his gaze is too thoughtful, gentle, cautious. All the things Luke prefers not to see on Bobby.

“I’ll be right back,” Bobby says, and with that, he pushes himself up off the doorframe and heads back up the path to the house.

There’s a few silent minutes for Luke to work himself up.

This isn’t always how it feels. He knows that. A lot of days, now, he feels fine, even great. He bounces around in his sleeveless shirts with his short, messy hair and feels like he looks every bit as boy as Reggie or Bobby or Alex. Some days he feels like his body has no part of that at all, feels sheer joy just being himself, feels ecstatic lost in music or in dumb movies or in talking about his big dreams for the future. But today he can’t help but feel like his middle school self again, surly and bitter and the wrong shape, before he could properly explain to the boys what it felt like when they yelled his wrong name across the cafeteria, or jokingly called him their girlfriend, before he had the courage to tell them he wasn’t a girl in the first place.

He hates this. He hates how messed up he feels, how there doesn’t seem to be a single stable thing in his life, how he can’t even be happy just sitting in a room by himself in a shirt he wishes he wasn’t wearing, how when he turns and accidentally catches his own reflection in the window it all looks off and his shoulders—

Bobby’s back. Luke didn’t even hear him coming down the drive, but there he is, silhouetted against the door, and he slips inside as soon as Luke gives him a go-ahead nod. He has something bundled in his arms, and it’s only when he gets closer that Luke realises it’s Bobby’s favourite Nirvanahoodie.

“If you’ll take it off,” Bobby says gruffly, not quite looking at him, “then you can wear this. Deal?”

Luke feels his emotions all crawl up his throat at once. Before he’d started testosterone, he probably would’ve started crying.

“Then your arms won’t bother you, either,” Bobby adds, like he’s still trying to sell Luke on it, like Luke’s not having a tiny breakdown over his thoughtfulness already.

“How did you know that?” asks Luke, hushed. He barely voices these thoughts to the boys. Kinda doesn’t want to remind them that they’re not all having the same experience, when he can avoid it.

“Because I know you,” Bobby says, like it just slips out. Then blushes. Clears his throat, stiff and awkward. Like he thinks Luke doesn’t want his help, instead of his help being the best thing ever, the exact right amount of detached and understanding all at once. “Anyway. Deal?”

“Deal,” Luke agrees. Bobby chucks the sweater at his head and Luke has to put an arm up to defend himself, a laugh startled out of him before he realises it’s happening. When he scrambles the sleeves out of his face, he can see Bobby grinning, even as he rolls his eyes and tries to hide it.

Luke changes in the bathroom, pulls his binder over his head with some difficulty and a little pain, but the relief of being able to take a full breath is well worth it. Quickly, he pulls Bobby’s hoodie over his head, so he doesn’t spend too long finding more things wrong with how he looks. It’s way too big on him, which sometimes might bother him but tonight feels just right, the sleeves coming down over his hands. It’s soft and it smells like Bobby’s lola’s laundry detergent, and for one small moment Luke presses his sweater paws to his face and inhales.

It smells more like home than his own house. He tries not to dwell on that fact too much.

When he returns, Bobby is sprawled out on the couch, guitar in his lap. He’s pulling at the strings but not like he has any real idea what he’s playing, more just to make the sounds echo around the room.

“You tired?” Luke asks. He can’t help how his voice sounds a little hopeful.

“Nah,” Bobby replies, even though he always at least looks exhausted. For a moment, he gives Luke a considering look, and Luke worries he’s going to keep pushing, going to ask Luke what’s wrong, or whether he feels better, or anything about his feelings at all. Instead, Bobby just says, “Was wondering if you wanted to try and finish that new song we were playing with on Sunday. Really thought we were getting somewhere with that second verse.”

“Yes,” Luke crows, grabbing his guitar and flopping immediately down onto the couch. “I was thinking maybe if we changed the chord progression up just a little—”

Now that Luke is able to breathe, now that he’s binder-free, and practically drowning in Bobby’s hoodie, the idea of losing himself in his guitar and in the heady rush of song-writing with Bobby sounds like the greatest thing in the world. Bobby, who's looking up from his guitar to grin at Luke across the couch, who always pulls a surprise out of the bag that fixes everything right when Luke least expects it. Watching and listening and paying attention, in all the ways Luke needs it.

God, Luke fucking loves him. He puts his head down, closes his eyes, listens to the way their voices and their fingers on strings braid together into harmonies that make Luke’s heart sing. He kinda forgets to think about his body at all.