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hogwartseighthyear · 1 month

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wax paper

"your girl" series: part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | (part 4)

(can be read as a standalone)

pairing: neville longbottom x fem!reader word count: 3.7k tags: rated G, house-neutral reader, fluff, established relationship, maybe a smidge of angst, no Y/N used summary: neville introduces you to his parents. note: cue me strolling in like it hasn't been over a year and a half since i last posted a fic. this is based on a request i lost a long time ago for something with neville's family (iirc). i might come back later and give it another edit since this was a bit hasty, but for now, enjoy and thanks for reading! (cross-posted here to AO3)

After spending the last several years living through an outright war, the months immediately following Voldemort’s demise were tinged with a sense of unreality.

You mourned for the lives lost and the destruction that had been wrought. You slept fitfully and replayed the worst moments of the Battle in your nightmares. Sudden, loud noises sent you diving to the ground with your wand in hand, reminding you of crackling spellfire, flashes of green light hurtling overhead, smoke in the air and screams ringing in your ears.

Yet, for every moment of grief and pain, there was hope and happiness in equal measure. Wizarding Britain was gradually reassembling. The Ministry was being gutted from the inside out, Aurors were hunting down wayward Death Eaters, repairs were underway at Hogwarts. For the first time in a long time, the future didn’t look so bleak.

And somehow, in the midst of it all, you’d started dating Neville Longbottom.

You’d both confessed your feelings just after the Battle had finished, when you and Neville finally managed to escape the cacophony of noise and emotion in the Great Hall and retreat to the quiet shores of the lake. The two of you were still singed and bloodied and covered in dirt, but it hadn’t mattered in the slightest. When you finally kissed him, it felt like coming home.

It was difficult to separate you and Neville that following summer. In all honesty, the amount of time you were spending together might have been excessive, if not bordering on codependent, but considering the hell you had just endured, neither of your families voiced any complaints. May, June, and July passed in a languid procession of warm afternoons in the back garden and hours of general lazing about around each other’s homes as you recuperated from, well, your whole adolescence.

You and Neville had already accepted Professor McGonagall’s offer to return to Hogwarts to properly complete your education, and while you were looking forward to it, you knew that it wouldn’t be easy. So, you greatly appreciated the chance to take a break from life before the fall term rolled around.

One day in early August, you were doing just that, lounging on the couch and reading a particularly interesting chapter in Dragon Species of Ancient Mesopotamia, when the fireplace whooshed with a burst of green flames. To your surprise, it was Neville who stepped through the Floo into your living room.

In a rare turn of events, you and Neville didn’t actually have plans to see each other until tomorrow. Today, he, Ginny, and Luna were scheduled to meet in Diagon Alley for an interview with Farida Wolff of the Daily Prophet, who was interested in writing an article on the student rebellion the three of them led during the Death Eaters’ rule over Hogwarts. Afterwards, Neville was planning on paying his parents a visit at St. Mungo’s; fetching money from his Gringotts vault; getting fitted at Madam Malkin’s for new robes; picking up treats for Seymour, the Longbottom family owl, at Eeylops Owl Emporium; then joining his gran in the evening for a belated birthday dinner with his great-uncle Algie and great-aunt Enid.

A glance at the clock told you that while Neville’s interview must have just wrapped up, he definitely hadn’t had time to finish the rest of his errands in downtown London already. There was no reason for him to stop by your place. And yet here he was, wearing a rather nervous expression.

“Hey. Is everything okay?” you asked, sitting upright, a worried frown quickly overtaking your face.

“Hi. Um. Yes,” Neville said haltingly.

“Are you sure?” you asked. “Did something happen during the interview?”

“No, no, the interview was fine.”

You waited for further explanation, but he remained silent.

“Neville?”

He dithered for a few more moments before taking a deep, steadying breath and finally looking at you.

“I was just about to go see my parents,” he said, standing a bit straighter, “and… I was wondering if… you’d like to come meet them?”

Your eyes widened. “Really?”

“Yes, really,” Neville said, this time with more conviction. “I know they don’t really— They can’t exactly, you know—” He cut himself off, his mouth twisting. “But. I’ve already told them about us, and it would mean a lot to me.”

“Okay,” you said, unable to keep the slight tremor out of your voice. “I’ll come. Of course I’ll come.”

Meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time was nerve-racking on principle, but meeting Neville’s parents was especially so, considering how fiercely guarded he was when it came to them.

He’d told you what happened to his mum and dad during the First War, but it had always been a sensitive topic. You remembered how agitated he’d been when his friends ran into them at St. Mungo’s a few Christmases ago. Neville was protective of his parents; he didn’t want anyone witnessing them in their vulnerable state. And yet here he was, asking you to meet them.

No pressure, right?

You smoothed your hands over your lap and looked down at your outfit: the soft, comfortable one you’d been lounging around in all day while you read. “Oh! I should change before we go. And fix my hair. Shit, wait, give me a few minutes,” you babbled as you stood from the couch, anxiety already churning in your stomach, but Neville caught you before you could rush past him.

“Love, you look fine,” he said.

“I look like I just rolled out of bed!”

You were too busy fretting over your appearance to notice the way Neville rolled his eyes, though his expression was still unmistakably fond. You refocused only when he put his hands on your shoulders and turned you to face him.

“You’re beautiful, I promise, but”—he stressed the word when you went to open your mouth again—“if it makes you feel better, I was going to suggest we Disillusion ourselves anyway.”

It took you a moment to catch on to his reasoning. “Oh,” you said with a sympathetic wince. “How bad was it this time?”

“At least ten different people asked for my autograph.” Neville kept his voice low, as if he were saying something scandalous. “I tried telling everyone I didn’t have a quill, but then some of them conjured quills for me, so I just signed what they asked. I felt like the world’s biggest prat!”

Fame was something Neville was still struggling to get used to. He’d been largely shielded from it these past few months, considering that the two of you had been living like hermits. But on the rare occasion he happened to wander out into public, there was almost always someone who recognized the Boy Who Killed Voldemort’s Snake.

“We’ll have to brainstorm some new excuses,” you said with a resolute nod.

Really, you should have remembered that magic exists when you came up with the quill idea, but to be fair, it was better than Neville’s plan to claim that he was sick with the highly-contagious doxy flu anytime a stranger tried to approach him.

After putting on a pair of shoes and casting your respective Disillusionment Charms, you followed Neville through the fireplace, Flooing directly into St. Mungo’s reception area.

The chaos inside momentarily stopped you in your tracks. You’d never had a reason to visit St. Mungo’s before, and you couldn’t help but gawk at the various witches and wizards gathered in the large waiting room. One man swaying unsteadily in line appeared to have his legs spelled on backwards. A woman whose entire body was covered in green boils napped in a nearby chair. There was even a man seated against the opposite wall with a continuous stream of soap bubbles pouring from his ears and floating up to the ceiling.

Neville, of course, didn’t seem to be phased by any of it. He’d surely grown used to such sights after visiting for so many years.

“This way,” he said, taking your hand and leading you through the double doors past the inquiries desk. He took out his wand to remove the Disillusionment Charm only once you’d reached a quiet stairwell.

“That felt a bit… unauthorized,” you said, patting nervously at your hair and hoping you were still presentable. “Will we get in trouble if someone finds out we haven’t, I don’t know, signed in anywhere?”

“No, they keep track of everyone who passes through the Floo. Whoever’s currently attending mum and dad probably already knows we’re on our way. Although”—Neville sent you an apologetic look—“they’re on the fourth floor.”

The last time you climbed four flights of stairs at once was during the Battle of Hogwarts, caught in a panicked crowd of students rushing through the castle and ducking spellfire. The months since then had been, for the most part, very slow-paced and sedentary. Your legs were not going to like this.

“Right. Well.” You straightened and took in a big breath. “Up we go.”

You and Neville were both huffing and puffing slightly by the time you reached the fourth floor. In the brief pause the two of you took to catch your breath, you made a mental note to find a magical solution to make climbing stairs more tolerable. Some sort of numbing charm below the knees? No, tripping would be entirely too easy. A Feather-Light Charm? Possibly, though if you cast it too strongly you might be liable to launch yourself over the whole staircase and into the wall.

Whatever. You’d figure it out later.

You followed Neville along the Spell Damage corridor, straight to a door at the far end, which happened to be the entrance to the Janus Thickey Ward. He knocked, and a few moments later a lock clicked from the other side and a middle-aged witch in green Healer robes answered.

“Neville, dear!” she greeted, reaching up to give his cheek a fond little pinch.

“Hello, Miriam,” Neville said, enduring her fawning. You had to hold back a laugh.

“I’ll say, it was such a wonderful surprise to see you were stopping by. And with company, no less.” Miriam turned her twinkling eyes towards you.

You introduced yourself, giving her hand a polite shake. “I’m Neville’s—” You paused, not sure how you should label your relationship in front of Miriam. The fact that you and Neville had started dating was something only your immediate families knew, so far.

You cast a questioning look at Neville. He nodded at you, a small smile curving his mouth.

“—girlfriend,” you finished.

All your other current anxieties aside, saying it out loud still made you feel embarrassingly giddy.

“Girlfriend!” Miriam exclaimed, beaming at you and Neville. “Oh, isn’t that just delightful! I’m Miriam Strout; I’m so pleased to meet you, darling. Come in, come in.” Healer Strout ushered the two of you through the doorway.

The Janus Thickey Ward was a long, open room with a number of beds lining the walls, each sectioned off by a set of floral-patterned curtains. Despite the somewhat sterile feel of the tiled floors and the off-white walls, the residents here were long term, and the collection of personal effects made the room a bit friendlier: things like knitted blankets, family photos, stacks of books, house slippers. You could even recognize a song by the Forty Phantoms playing on a radio somewhere nearby.

“Your father’s been a bit sleepy this morning, Neville, but he and the missus were both awake the last time I checked. I’m sure they’ll both be happy to see you,” Healer Strout said, locking the entrance once again with a wave of her wand. “Are either of you thirsty? We have a new elf in the kitchens that makes the most excellent cup of masala chai.”

“That’s alright, Miriam. We’ve got it from here,” Neville said.

“Thank you, though,” you added on.

“Of course, just tell me if you need anything.” And with that, Healer Strout stepped away to tend to a nearby patient who was standing on top of his mattress, stretching to pin a photo to the wall amidst an already-excessive number of portraits. All of which appeared to be self portraits.

He looked awfully familiar, in fact.

Wait. That wasn’t…?

“Gilderoy, you silly man, what have I told you about climbing up there?” Healer Strout called out fondly. “Falling down and bumping your head is the last thing you need!”

You whipped around to look at Neville. “Lockhart?” you whispered.

He nodded with a grimace. “Don’t make eye contact, he’ll take it as an invitation to show you his fan mail collection.”

The two of you hurried away.

Neville lost a bit of his steam as you neared the end of the ward, slowing his steps and running a nervous hand through his hair. You were nervous too, but you still made the effort to send him a supportive smile. He returned it, a bit wobbly, but there nonetheless.

And then before you knew it, you were standing in front of the floral curtain drawn around the very last two beds. “Mum? Dad?” Neville said. He grabbed the edge and pulled it open.

You’d seen photos of Alice and Frank Longbottom from their Auror days; Neville’s gran had several hanging proudly in her home. You’d always been struck by Neville’s likeness to his mother. Sure, he’d ended up with his father’s height and smile, but the rest belonged to Alice: his coloring, his round cheeks, his gentle eyes.

Now, though, it was evident that the life and verve you’d seen in those photos had been drained from Neville’s parents over the years. The familial resemblance was much more difficult to pick out in their current state.

Frank was propped up in his hospital bed with a heavy quilt draped over his lap, donning a thick, knitted jumper despite the warm weather. He gazed vacantly out the nearest window, which had been spelled to show a pleasant view of the English countryside. Meanwhile, Alice was sat in an armchair between the two beds, wearing a pink cardigan over her nightdress and fiddling with something small and papery in her hands.

They were both gaunt and pale as a sheet. Their hair had turned white, and their skin had creased and wrinkled, aging them far beyond their years. Neither Frank nor Alice reacted to their son’s arrival, and you had to wonder if they even realized anyone was there at all.

“Hi guys,” Neville said quietly, stepping forward and sitting himself on edge of his mother’s bed.

It took you a moment, but you eventually managed to unstick your feet from the floor, making sure to close the curtain behind you before taking a seat next to Neville.

He cleared his throat and continued. “It’s Tuesday, August 4th, 1998. I turned eighteen last week. Sorry I didn’t stop by sooner for my birthday, but I wanted to bring someone along this time.” Neville introduced you then, telling his parents your name.

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom,” you said, your hands clasped tightly in your lap.

Again, they showed no reaction. Not that you thought you would get one out of them. You just weren’t used to it yet: speaking to someone so unresponsive.

Neville, however, was clearly well practiced in these one-sided conversations with his parents. “I know you’ve, erm, heard quite a lot about her,” he continued, casting a somewhat sheepish glance your way. “I just figured you should finally meet each other, now that we’re together. Though, really, I should’ve— I should’ve brought her ‘round a long time ago. She survived meeting Gran when we were twelve, after all.”

You huffed a laugh, remembering how terrifying the formidable Augusta Longbottom had seemed back then, nearly making you sick with nerves when faced with her hard, assessing eyes and stern tone. Neville had to assure you multiple times that his gran didn’t hate you the way you feared she might. In fact, after taking some time to warm up to you, she actually grew to be quite fond of you, often asking after you in her letters while Neville was away at Hogwarts.

You’d always remained quietly cautious of her, knowing how easily and often her sharp words could cut through Neville. There was no doubt Augusta loved him, surely, but that didn’t mean her standards for her grandson weren’t high, or that the comparisons she made between him and his father weren’t harsh. It was only over the course of the last year that Neville had finally gained his gran’s approval, and some of the bumps in their relationship seemed to have smoothed over.

“It wasn’t so bad. We get along pretty well these days, I think,” you said, looking to Frank as you spoke of his mother.

You weren’t expecting to find anything other than Frank’s blank stare still fixed on the window, unmoving, save for the slow rise and fall of his chest—which is why it was so startling when he sat forward and rose to his feet with a quiet grunt. You straightened your posture, briefly thinking he was going to approach you, but Frank’s eyes skipped over you and Neville completely as he shuffled past his bed.

Neville followed suit and stood. “Dad?”

“Is he okay?” you asked with a concerned frown.

“Yes, uh, he’s probably just headed to the washroom,” Neville said, already trailing after his father. “I’ll walk him there. We’ll be right back.”

They both passed through the curtain, where you heard Healer Strout call out, “You boys alright?”

“All good, Miriam, I’ve got him!”

That left you alone with Alice.

You floundered, unsure how to fill the silence between you, punctuated only by the crinkling of whatever Alice was still turning over in her hands. You tried to think of what a mother might like to speak about with her son’s girlfriend upon their first meeting, but you didn’t exactly have a frame of reference for this sort of thing. The only common ground you could find with her on short notice was, well, Neville.

“Neville is really good at Herbology,” you blurted. Then, sheepishly, “…You probably already know that, though.”

Great start.

“It’s what most people know about him. I mean, people who actually knew him before the Battle.” You realized a moment too late that the reminder that her son lived through the horrors of war might not be well received by Alice—assuming there was a chance she could understand you, even if she couldn’t respond—and you quickly moved on. “I struggled with it more the further along in school we got. I’m pretty sure the only reason I managed to pass my Herbology O.W.L. was because of Neville. He made this for me while we were revising that year, see?”

You reached underneath the collar of your shirt and pulled out the necklace that hung there more often than not. The pendant was a petal Neville had plucked from the flutterby bush the two of you had spent time tending to in one of the greenhouses. With the right combination of charms—and some help from Hermione, he’d later admitted—the petal had been hardened and polished, as though encased in glass.

You remembered how the urge to grab his face and kiss him had swooped through you when Neville presented you with the gift after your exams, and you remembered how little that urge had surprised you, even then.

“The fact that we only recently started dating feels rather ridiculous now, looking back on everything,” you muttered, rubbing your finger across the smooth edge of the petal as you peered down at it. “I can’t even pinpoint when I started… fancying Neville. I suppose I’ve always loved him in one way or another.”

You looked up to Alice, feeling somewhat shy and hot in the face after sharing something so honest, and found that her own gaze had risen to settle on your necklace. You stilled your hand and held it out for her to see. She stared for a long moment before returning to her fidgeting. Except this time, she began twisting something, the crinkling sound getting louder.

You leaned forward for a better look at what Alice held in her hands. It was a piece of Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum, you realized. The was a whole dish of it sitting on the nightstand behind her.

She unwrapped the gum and placed it in her mouth, then held out the wrapper for you.

“Oh… alright,” you said, taking the wrapper. Did she want you to toss it for her? There was a small bin tucked next to the nightstand, but it was clearly within her reach. Uncertain what to do, you smoothed out the waxy piece of paper into a neat little rectangle, idly admiring the gold foil around the edges.

It wasn’t much longer before Neville and his father returned. Once Frank was situated in bed, Neville returned to his seat by your side, smiling at both you and his mother. However, he froze when he caught sight of the Drooble’s wrapper in your hand.

“Neville? Are you alright?” you asked.

“Is that—? Did she give that to you?” His wide eyes darted back to Alice, whose jaw was working as she chewed on her gum.

“Yes. Was she not supposed to? I can throw it away—”

“No!” Neville’s outburst made you pause from where you’d risen to your feet, and he grimaced at himself, urging you to sit back down with a gentle hand on your arm. “No, no, sorry. It’s fine.”

“Well, if you’re certain.”

“I am.” He hesitates for a moment. “She’s… giving you a gift. It’s all she has to give, really. But it’s for you.”

You looked over at Neville in surprise, emotion suddenly twisting inside your chest. You could see some of it reflected in his face, the crinkle of his eyes, the slope of his mouth. A face you loved so dearly, made of the two people sitting across from you.

You swallowed a bit roughly and held onto the wrapper with care. “Thank you, Mrs. Longbottom.”

Neville pulled you into his side and laid a kiss on your temple.

#neville longbottom x reader #neville longbottom x you #neville x reader #neville x you #neville longbottom #neville longbottom fic #my writing

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skyward-floored · 3 months

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Blog intro! That I'm finally getting around to after several years lol.

Hi there! I’m Peggy, Sky Floor, Floor, Skyward, or Peg if you like.

Basically any variation of my username is fine.

I'm a Christian girl, muddling my way through life 👍

This is my Legend of Zelda/Linkeduniverse blog, the home of all my Zelda stuff I reblog and create. I’m a writer and random theory person mostly, but I also draw and reblog a lot of stuff, talk about the loz games, and bust out various insane AUs every so often. I also never shut up. sorry.

Writing tag is #writing from the floor

Talk tag is #rambles from the floor

And my ao3, Skyward_Arpeggio

I also make an effort to tag everything for easy organization and proper warnings, but I can't catch everything. I do my best though. Also no political discussions or NSFW asks, please. I try to keep this a light-hearted space, so please respect that.

I'm always willing to talk Zelda/Lu, and have an unhealthy amount of lore memorized, so don't be afraid to shoot me an ask if you wanna chat :D

Some of my projects and AUs I'm working on:

Linked Universe Incredibles AU, an semi-modern superhero au, where I basically dumped the lu boys into the Incredibles movie(s). If you're looking for family stuff, superpowers, and way too much angst, this is the au for you. You can find it under the tag: #incredibles au, and all the writing I've done for it under: #incredibles au fic. (also on ao3!)

Brethren in a Cradle, my longest-running and most intense plot-wise project (with the very slow updates 😭). The chain gain an unusual addition to their ranks, and somehow Wild is a dad now. Wait, all of them are. Oops. Link to the fic.

Hyrule Dragon Warriors, which is a hyrule warriors au in which Link's dad is Volga, and his mom is Impa. Yeah. Family drama. You can find it under: #hdw au. (also on ao3!)

I have two original Zelda stories I'm working on, one that I just call Lost AU, and the other Hero of Sages, or Berry Link. Lost is about a Link who's corrupted very early in the story, and Zelda setting out to save him and the kingdom. While Hero of Sages is about a Link who has six older sisters... who happen to be six of the seven maidens needed to bring back Ganon. You can find them respectively under #Lost and #hero of sages.

You can also find my own all the links from the games go on an adventure together au at the tag: #Courage of Ages. There isn't a whole lot posted on here about them, but I always love talking about my boys :)

I have much more than this though, AUs/projects and other stuff I’ve written, but I'm going to put it under the cut (...still under editing so it's messy and unfinished!)

The past three years I've participated in the whumptober challenge! I did half of 2021's for lu, and in 2022 and 2023 I did all 31 days for lu! You can find the list for 2021 here, the ones for 2022 here, and the 2023 ones here (or find them all on my ao3 (see above), as well as some ao3-only bonus scenes!).

Kitty Wind, which is exactly what it sounds like. Wind touches Twilight's crystal, and finds himself as... a cat. A tiny, fluffy, adorable little cat. Needless to say, he isn't thrilled. You can find it under #kitty wind or read the fic on ao3!

A Royal Castletown Wedding

Accidental Domestication

Scales and Gills, a collection of Mermaid Legend fics

The Twilight Turns (true form au),

Pup is only a oneshot for now, but I have more fics planned for this idea! Dark Link goes back in time, and after the chain when they're too small to defend themselves. Unfortunately for Dink, he doesn't bet on them having protectors in the form of their predecessors.

Many Courses of Love

Up in Arms

Botw Dark Link AU

Downfall IAU

other aus(?) you're probably forgetting some so check later girl

#hey look a real pinned post and not just a whumptober masterpost #rambles from the floor #pinned post #writing from the floor #masterlist #fighting the anxiety tooth and nail today so I finally finished this up enough to pin it #because it was that or cry #seriously don't look under the cut though its messyyyyyy

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comesitintheclover · 27 days

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Six Sentence Sunday Monday 📚📜🖊️

Thank you so much for the tag @bookish-bogwitch! your chart is awesome!

I will remember to try that/ a similar thing if I keep having issues with this fic I'm writing (but I should at least try to slog through a first draft of my trouble chapters first - i just get so anxious that I will fuck up the funny-conflict and make it miserable or something when it's 'perfect' (but vague af) in my brain and has been that way for 4 years...).

And thank you everyone who has tagged me in the last months/year <3 @nausikaaa, @ileadacharmedlife, @monbons, @supercutedinosaurs, @brendughh, @rimeswithpurple, and anyone else if I missed you because my tumblr notifs won't go that far back 😭💗💞💖 I love you all! Thank you for including me in the community even when I haven't been writing for a while! It's been so inspiring seeing what you all have been up to and I've finally started writing again so yay!

My goal is to finish this fic I've been writing for four years (i've written what I'm estimating is 50k words freehand and am transcribing and editing them onto my laptop and I still need to write the other half ... hahahaha 😅. But I love it. ) called *The Long Summer*, within a month (the first draft at least, I'll come back and edit it at a later date. I want to post it on ao3 over a summer so hopefully I will be ready next summer! I need to write it while I still love it!), and then I want to write the first draft of an original story for a month or so/NaNoWriMo, and then I will pick one of my Carry On WIPs to work on (hopefully just in time to celebrate snowbaz's anniversary!)

(The Carry On WIPs in question: I'm thinking I will probably pick my soulmate au fic called Meet the Parents/When You're an Adult You'll Understand, or a trans au called Fraternity house, orrrrr this magical Agony-Aunt fic called Basilton Grimm-Pitch’s 10 Step Plan for Getting Over*(letting himself be in love with) Simon Snow ).

And I'm planning to interact more with wip-wednesdays and six-sentence-sundays from now on to keep me motivated and accountable! (hopefully this works, battling my motivation is like trying to wrestle a fish or something... i'm constantly at a loss with my brain - oh why won't I do things that I love and have time to do??)

....Oh and I want to make some Carry On animations.... (this is probably why I don't do things... Too ideas many and hard to pick. I tried to make a schedule last night that included everything I wanted to do in a day and it was 35 hours long... oops).

*The Long Summer* is a harry potter fic, and since I know all of you lovely people from Carry On, and I know lots of people avoid hp stuff for obvious reasons (JKR is wrong! Trans liberation now!), I will keep the rest of this under the cut <3

here are the first six sentences from my 💗beloved fic💗:

Ron Weasley wasn't an introspective soul. By the time something actually rolled around to happening he would probably have had twelve chances to predict it, if he was Hermione. He presumed something like this would never have happened to Hermione. Summers were probably a lot more quiet in the Muggle world, as an only child, with parents who weren’t - well Hermione was so smart she probably already knew, no there was really no reason to write to her. And Harry - well he didn't want to write to Harry about it either. Honestly, it would probably be better if he never found out.

(I wrote these when I was 16 and they may need editing but that's for future me to worry about - rn I'm trying to push out a first draft as fast as possible...)

Thank you to anyone who read this far!

Hi!'s, tags, and hand-hearts to everybody 🫶 @stitchy-queerista, @umdiasujo, @carpeosculum, and open tag to anyone who wants to be tagged! <3

#comesitintheclover’s art <3

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fandom-hoarder · 2 years

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HIII i was wondering if you knew any more fics where its an older dean and younger sam together (like later seasons dean vs earlier seasons sam) like either young sam is in the future or older dean is in the past ~somehow~ i like the idea of these fics so much but ive barely been able to find any heh

For you, anon! <3

[the fic search that prompted this💜]

⏳Timey Wimey Wincest

Ft. Older!Dean x Younger!Sam⌛

[on tumblr]

💙 First of all, have you seen @hathfrozen's tumblr ficlet featuring s8!Dean and s2/3!Sam?

💙 Not exactly time travel, but adjacent: hath's s12 (vibes), 2.4k, and t-rated, Sam and Dean create a memory clone of s1 Sammy

💙 A couple gifsets I've reblogged:

Posted by @wertherproject

Posted by @wincestpoughkeepsie

[on AO3]

💟 Love, Family, Whatever It Is by sexier_in_enochian

Rating: Explicit | Words: 3491 | No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: Alternate Wincesty spin on 5x04 The End, in which Sam and Dean find themselves put into 2014 together. I had a need to write this.

The night after the brothers finally succumb to this.. thing; whatever it is between them that neither of them wanted to or dared to acknowledge, Dean begins to withdraw from Sam in typical Dean Winchester fashion. Which couldn't come at a worse time; after Sam has pretty much just found out he's M.F.E.O with none other than the friggin' Devil.

Additional Tags: Wincest - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Endverse: Wincest Edition, If Sam And Dean Went To 2014 Together, In Which Endverse Dean Needs Comforting, And Dean Is A Voyeur, And Sam Is More Than Willing To Comply, Explicit Sexual Content, Accidental Voyeurism, Voyeur Dean

My note: A classic endverse!Dean/s5!Sam fic.

💟 Whatever It Is by theproblematique

Rating: Explicit | Words: 30931 | Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Summary: Both Sam and Dean get sent to the year 2014.

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Angst, Pining, Unhealthy Relationships, Poor Life Choices, Morbid Humor, Explicit Sexual Content, Did I mention angst, and pining, Minor Character Death

My note: Another classic -- more plotty take on the premise from Love, Family, Whatever It Is. FAV!

💟 Disarm by hitokiri

Rating: Explicit | Words: 3771 | No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: Zachariah sends Endverse Dean back to 2009 to see his little brother again. Dean can't control himself.

Additional Tags: Top Endverse Dean Winchester, Bottom Sam Winchester, Top Dean Winchester/Bottom Sam Winchester

💟 Timeless by MsImpala67

Rating: Explicit | Words: 4575 | No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: Sam sends Dean to the past for unknown reasons. When Dean is faced with a twenty-two year old Sam who has no idea what they'll become, Dean figures those reasons out.

Additional Tags: Time Travel, season 13!Dean, season 1!Sam, Porn with Feelings, First Time, Sort Of, Blow Jobs, Frottage

💟 Every version of you by largoindminor

Rating: Mature | Words: 1601 | No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: To get him out of the way and prevent him from interfering with the war against the Darkness, a host of angels send Dean back in time to 2003. Against his better judgement, Dean pays his younger younger brother a visit

Additional Tags: Time Travel, 2003!sam, 2016!dean

💟 My Anchor by blackrose_17

Rating: Mature | Words: 13082 | No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: Death was the ending that endverse Dean had been waiting for what he got was anything but that. Dean finds himself in a rundown motel with someone he thought he would never see again his Sam. Only this Sam is broken tormented by visions of Lucifer and his Dean missing he is on the edge. Two broken souls each missing their other half find a peace and sense of belonging to one another. A love story between Endverse!Dean and pre-season 8!Sam.

Additional Tags: Bottom Sam, Top Dean, Hallucifer tormenting Sam, Broken Sam, Hurt Sam Winchester

My notes: Endverse!Dean/Pre-s8!Sam (so 2014 AU Dean and 2013 Prime Sam); gets a little melodramatic in the dialogue sometimes, and there is gratuitous use of Sammy/De and "baby boy" -- not an issue for me, but I know it is for some people.

💟 Every Time I See Your Face by KassandraScarlett

Rating: Teen+ | Words: 4806 | Major Character Death

Summary: Based on a Tumblr prompt: After Sam falls into the cage, Dean asks Cas for one more favor. On Dean’s days off, he visits Sam in different time periods, even if only for an hour or two. Sam never tells Dean about these visits.

Additional Tags: Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Time Travel, First Kiss, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe, Kid Sam Winchester

My Notes: Like Another Go Round from the post that inspired this ask, this is another great one from the Time Travel Fics series by KassandraScarlett.

💟 no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin by AmyPond45

Rating: Mature | Words: 7649 | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Summary: Dean’s never been what you might call a man of faith. After all, he doesn’t have to believe in God. He knows God exists. But Dean has faith. Dean believes in Sam, and he believes he knows what’s best for his little brother. When Billie takes Dean on a midnight ride through Sam’s past, Dean learns that having faith isn’t just about believing in something you can’t see. Sometimes, it’s about seeing past your own self-doubt to recognize that the thing you never dared to pray for has been yours all along.

Additional Tags: First Time, Angst with a Happy Ending, Season/Series 13, Episode: s13e15 A Most Holy Man, Time Travel

💟 The Real Miracle of Christmas by waywardelle

Rating: Mature | Words: 7060 | Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: After an argument over having their first real Christmas in the Bunker, Dean goes down to the storerooms to clear his head. Instead, he finds himself on a journey to a Christmas from his past, and one from his future that leads him to his ultimate and forever destination: back to Sam.

Additional Tags: Season/Series 11, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, Angst, re-establishing relationship, Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album lmao, Season 3!Sam, Time Travel, very temporary death, Christmas in the Bunker

💟 One More Coal by StripySock

Rating: Explicit | Words: 2724 | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Summary: Season 9 Dean accidentally meets Stanford-Sam. He probably won't forgive himself for what he does, but that's never stopped him.

Additional Tags: Sam at Stanford, Season 9 Dean, Time Travel, Rough Sex, Anal Sex, blowjob, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Incest

💟 One Night to Remember by [orphan_account]

Rating: Explicit | Words: 18162 | No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary: We all know about the demon that killed Jess, and therefore forced Sam into the hunter life.

But what if it was another demon, who painted the path for the young Winchester? One much more sinister...and a lot handsomer.

Additional Tags: Time Travel, Bottom Sam, Top Dean, Demon Dean, Dubious consent at first, Light Bondage, Rough Sex, Humiliation, Dirty Talk, Stanford Sam, Forbidden Love, Fingering, Dean is a total asshole, An evil and perverted asshole, Violence, Kinky Sam in denial

💟 False Pretenses by kelleigh (girlfromcarolina)

Rating: Explicit | Words: 1553 | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Summary: This Dean, however, the one who bore down on Sam, snarling and muttering about time travel being an ‘unexpected perk of the deal,’ and whose soul is warped and reeks of sulfur...well, Sam wants something very different from him.

Additional Tags: Demon Dean, Mark of Cain, Time Travel, Stanford Era, College Student Sam, Demon Dean Winchester, Rough Sex, Age Difference, Community: spn-masquerade, Don't copy to another site

[honorable mentions]

🧡 Sincerely, Sam by Samcursed (formerly FallenKy)

Rating: Mature | Words: 87505 | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Summary: Sam Winchester is praying for death.

Dean's already gone after sacrificing himself to take out Amara and Sam's losing more and more of himself each day at Lady Bevell's hands. He's reached his limit. Then suddenly he finds himself in 1998 and the sole focus of a supernatural lawyer who has one very firm request; She needs Sam to cure a demon. Dad, Dean, and Bobby won't let him out of their sights and Sam has enough to juggle with the swarm of supernatural creatures who think the Boy King has come back to take his crown.

Additional Tags: Time Travel, Pre-Series, Weecest, Weechesters, Time Traveling Sam, BAMF Sam, Protective Dean Winchester, Miscommunication, Tortured Sam, Hurt Sam, Hurt/Comfort, powers!Sam, Boy King of Hell Sam Winchester, Underage Kissing, Bottom Sam Winchester

My Notes: TBH the only reason this is Honorable Mention is this is a WIP that hasn't been updated since 2019. But it's at 13/15 chapters and it's a really awesome story. It's a Sam-time-swap, with 15-year-old Sam in the future with s12 Dean, and s12 Sam in 1998 with 19-year-old Dean. Hella plotty.

🧡 Sam's Magic Time Closet by AmyPond45

Description: One day, Sam finds a magic closet in his room in the bunker. He uses it to travel back in time to fix mistakes he made in the past, to check on his brother, and to bring home other versions of himself and Dean. It's mostly complete, but there are always room for more storylines with this kind of trope, so.

My Note: I haven't read these yet, but they look fun. There's a mix of who is older and younger in each work.

[timey wimey wincest pt 2: younger!dean/older!sam]

#asks #my rec list #time travel dean #time travel wincest #younger!sam meets older!dean #endverse!dean #wincest #wincest fanfiction #wincest fic recs #time travel sam #weecest #demon!dean

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ettawritesnstudies · 1 year

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Thank You

If you’ll permit me a minute to be cliche: this photo would not have been possible without you. When I started university in August 2019, the sum of all my author-y potential measured up to:

No finished manuscripts

A pipe dream of ever publishing my work

A scatterbrained outline of The Laoche Chronicles

Forty-four phone notes full of half-witted ideas

A grand total of 3 followers on my brand-new tumblr account

At the time, I had no grand plans of marketing my work, though I knew it would be necessary if I ever wanted an audience. I chose a degree in chemical engineering because I knew my baby platform and half finished stories weren’t going to cut it as a career in their current state as an 18-year-old, and I needed to have a day job if I wanted to pursue my end dream of self publishing. I was just hoping to survive my first year of engineering school, pass my weed-out classes, and hopefully make some new friends. That fall semester passed with sporadic progress on my book, and halfhearted attempts at breaking into the writeblr community, until I decided to try my hand at Inktober and made my first few acquaintances: @siarven and @abalonetea, who have both featured on this blog since then. It was also at this point, sometime during a Calculus III lecture, that I invented my pen name:

All was going well, and I was pleased with my incremental progress until the world ended.

The less said about the pandemic, the better. Writeblr truly kept me sane through working full-time jobs and taking 18 credit hours during the semester. When I was truly close to dropping out of school, I kept going, knowing I had these online friends to cheer me up after brutal exams and long nights of studying. The tag games and community filled the dearth of interaction left by quarantine and an insane schedule. During my summer internship in 2020, I finally had the time to finish the first draft of Storge and the confidence in myself to start a website. Rereading my first post is a surreal experience, in part because I still see myself as a little kid as hiding under the blankets with a flashlight, notebook, and pen, thinking “I wanna write a book!”

I woke up the next day crying to the sheer volume of kind messages congratulating me on meeting this milestone. Instead of feeling burnt out after reaching such a lofty goal, this gave me all the more energy to keep working. Since then, I’ve been so blessed to grow this community and this website. It’s incredible to see how far I’ve come, now being able to claim:

A finished manuscript of Storge

A 3rd draft of Runaways after going through 2 rounds of Beta Readers

8 short stories and an audio drama

An active mailing list

Over 1000 followers on tumblr, but more importantly, a thriving community of writers who support each other’s releases through ARCs, leaving reviews, enthusiastic questions, and a welcoming space for new writers to share their craft.

140 posts on my website and regular readers who care about my ramblings ❤

Now I’m on my way to my new job – I’ll be doing research and development in my chosen field with a team I really like, and the freedom to listen to books while I’m in the lab. This next month will still be a hiatus for blog posts and new writing as I pack up my life for a cross-states move, but I’m beyond excited to enter change. My hope is that I can start saving for editing costs and devote more time to my craft thanks to a 9-5 schedule and NO!!! HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!! Really, I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to never have to take another exam ever again, thank GOD. With a bit of luck and no small amount of grace, I hope I can publish and share my stories with you sooner rather than later.

Thank you for all the support and camaraderie these past years. In a way, I owe this diploma to you as much as to my classmates and professors. The night before graduation, I said to my friends, “I’ve been waiting for tomorrow for eight years.” Now I’m living in the future, and I can’t wait to write the next chapter.

#etta rambles #graduation

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fazedlight · 9 months

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20 Questions More

A deeper and more detailed version of the 20 questions for AO3 fanfic writers. Thanks @eqt-95 and @inkedroplets for the tag!!

1) How do you keep getting ideas for your ship/fandom?

Daydreaming. Writing fanfic is secondary to that. It was only in the past couple of years that it occurred to me that I could write some of it down and see what happens.

2) Which authors inspire you in your fandom, and why are they so freakishly good?

@searidings is my absolute favorite, the way she unravels the characters' emotions and angst is absolutely superb.

3) Aside from the characters of your main ship, who are the characters you love to write?

Ohhh I really love this question:

Cat in Inauthentic, as well as this ficlet and this one. I love her sense of humor.

Lillian in Darkness in All Things. For the same reason as Cat, I just love her snark.

Zor-El in Even Though You're Kryptonian. He kind of surprised me when I started writing him, and to this day I don't know if some of his lines are driven by genuine confusion or if he's just trolling.

4) Are there pairings or tropes you know for sure you'd never write about? Which ones?

I'm a never-say-never kind of person. There's a lot that I don't think I would ever write, but I've been surprised on where stories have taken me before, and may be surprised again.

5) What is your writing process and why is it cursed?

"Process" might be an overstatement...

I have a "scribbles" doc where I keep my ideas. I cull ideas often (though ideas often make their way back anyway). As I write more into the doc, a certain idea may get too big for it, so I spin it out into its own doc.

From there, I kind of go back and forward between outlining and writing. I write completely out of order. Which is why, so often, my multichaps are almost fully drafted by the time I publish chapter 1. I've usually already made it to the resolution point of the plot (meaning, no one's in danger anymore, the bad guy is gone, etc), though the final chapter often doesn't get written until later.

6) What is your favorite part of your writing process?

I love when I've finished the first pass of a chapter/one-shot, and I'm in the editing stage. The story really feels like it's coming together at that point, and it's before all the self-doubt starts bubbling up (that hits hard just before posting).

7) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had to research for a fic?

A friend of mine is a professor in astroparticle physics, so I spent a couple of hours asking him about quantum mechanics stuff. But only a small portion of that ended up being relevant to the fic and the rest was just for fun.

8) Is there a particular writing rule you struggle with (grammar, spelling, tense, reality in general)?

When I'm first sketching out a scene, about half the time I write in present tense (it feels more like I'm writing a play at that point sometimes), but I publish in past tense. So I end up needing to do a bunch of revisions 😭

Also TYPOS.

9) What was your hardest scene to write so far and why?

Fight scenes are ROUGH, man.

This is probably one of those answers I'll change every time depending what's at the top of my mind. But writing out a fight scene - like in Even Though You're Kryptonian, Darkness in All Things, or It's a Metallo Life - gets surprisingly difficult if there are more than 2 people.

I know exactly how I'd shoot those scenes if I had a camera crew, special effects, etc. But it's hard making sure the audience is aware of where everyone is positioned, why they can/can't act in the moment, etc.

10) Have your characters ever done something you didn’t expect, changing your plot completely?

All the fucking time, man. From the very beginning, even. I was trying to have Lena still be angry by the DEO scene in So I Kept Pretending, but that didn't make sense anymore.

I actually recently had a fic idea dissolve because it wasn't vibing with the characters. Which is fine, it became a ficlet instead!

11) If you could converse with any of the characters, who would it be and why?

Absolutely Kara. I have so many questions about kryptonian culture and how it drives her character.

12) What are some of the tropes or themes that you find yourself returning to in your writing?

Trope-wise, I definitely return to the Rift again and again. I find themes around forgiveness and understanding to be really interesting. Can two good-hearted people with conflicting needs hurt each other while still loving each other? How? What does that mean for the aftermath?

I think that's part of what draws me to supercorp - the complexity of their relationship. How they can both be right, and both be wrong, and love each other enough to rebuild from the ashes.

13) What's your most important resource as a writer?

Coffeeshops and libraries. Getting into slightly busy, cozy environments, out of the house, really helps shake loose the stuff in my head.

14) Can you share some of your strategies for editing and revising your work?

Especially for longer works, I tend to put the work down (and circle to other works, or go outside, or whatever) before coming back to it. It helps to step away for a bit - it's easier to pick up on repetitiveness or unclear passages when coming back.

Though I always find mistakes in my stories much later, so I'm not sure I'm one to give advice on this anyway 🤣

15) Which is worse: making the summary, picking the tags, or the anxiety when you post your fic?

Posting anxiety is the absolute worst. If I leave myself in front of my computer I'll end up refreshing constantly waiting for the first kudos (if it's a one-shot or first chapter) or the first comment (if it's a later chapter) to figure out if I've accidentally pissed off everyone in the fandom somehow.

Luckily, my partner will usually pull me away to go on a walk or grab lunch or do something else to take my mind off it 💗

16) How do you define success for your fanfic - hits? Kudos? Comments? Bookmarks? Or just if you like it?

I only publish what I like. Sometimes I'm nervous that other people won't like it, but I will always like it. Stories that aren't going a way I like - even if I think the idea is cool! - will dissolve. Just recently I dissolved one that felt like it was a cool idea, but it didn't make enough sense for the characters.

Kudos and comments always make me feel appreciated as an author!! Sometimes I'll get a user subscriber out of it, too, and it feels like an honor that someone would want to hear from me more than once.

The thing that feels most precious, though, is when someone comments on how something made them feel (I love making people laugh at my dumb jokes, or cry when a story is supposed to hit emotionally), or when they pick up on something that I wasn't sure would get picked up on.

I tend to lean towards understatement in my stories. For me, the biggest success is knowing that someone recognized what I was going for, without me being overt.

17) Do you have a playlist for your favorite character/ship?

Alas, I don't. But given that Kara is canonically a Britney Spears fan and musicals nerd, I feel like my default playlist works 🤣

18) If fan art was going to be made from your work, which fic would you pick and which fan artist would you like to create it?

Oh gosh, I don't want to pick someone and create pressure, or not pick someone and make them feel bad. This fandom has so many great artists!

That said, some of my favorites do commissions, you can see everything I've commission here.

19) How many WIPs do you currently have?

1 supercorp & 1 rojarias (for @supergirlmayhem)

For me, 2-3 is my happy number, so I'm relieved to be down to this after being so high (I think up to 11?) for so long.

20) What's your advice to new fanfic writers?

If you're wondering why you can't find that story you want, it might mean that you're the one to write it 💗

- - - - -

Tagging (respectfully and without pressure) @rustingcat @luthordamnvers @sssammich @tinyvariations @thatonebirdwrites @theredcapeofk @sideguitars @luthordamnvers @mycatismyeditor @inkedroplets @nottawriter @snowydragonscave @jetgirl1832 if you want some rapid-fire q's thrown your way. But also anyone who'd like to do this!

#I'm not sure who has been tagged already so sorry for additional tags!!#mel stuff #ask game

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kaijusdream · 10 months

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Pigeon Scratch Music Update, Late 2023 Edition!

Wasn't intending on not posting a single update on how things are going for over half a year, but that is just how the turn tables I suppose. A little bit of laziness and procrastination, a little bit of art block, stressing myself to near breaking point on multiple occasions, both in music making and overall life stuff. Summertime this year was pretty damn rough, the lowest my mental health had been for a while, and the next couple of months were just trying to bounce back from that. During that time at least I've been able to have a healthier relationship with music. Both in how I feel about my own work, but also in how I enjoy music by others. I've been able to get back into the swing of things. Now it's just procrastination. Let's start with some of the tracks for Northern Minnesota, Part II.

The most recent song I've been working on is with the working title "Fargo Breakdown." About five minutes long, the general gist for this song is to be a slow build with more guitars and drums added onto itself with every repeat. A really big shoegaze-y, post-rock, wall of sound style crescendo that just abruptly ends and sharply transitions into the next song. Current plans is to have this be the first song on the album, with "Pretty Pink Eyes," what I used to affectionately call "The Long Song" going right after it. Can't call it that anymore because now we got at least two songs that are over ten minutes long.

As I've grown more comfortable working on Ableton, and understanding how to more properly produce on it, I've grown accustomed to a more wall of sound approach for this album. It fits perfectly with the genres of music I am making here. Working on this song, as well as The First Snowfall (more about that track and Pretty Pink Eyes later), has actually been helping me determine the kind of style and tone I want, something I'm more comfortable settling on than I was with what I had for Pretty Pink Eyes and The First Snowfall a year ago. One thing I've realized while working on this album is genuinely how well Post-Rock goes with the concept of suffering with OCD, escapism, gender dysphoria, stuff along those lines. And I'm really excited about the idea of mixing my style in more with that genre. Post-Rock has always been such a massive inspiration for me, so I hope I can do it justice with my own little spin on it.

"Muni" is one I can't exactly remember if I did ever post about it here on Tumblr. I did scroll through my entire blog and checked my tags just to make sure, but I didn't see anything. Started working on this track earlier in the year, I believe after my Vancouver trip. About seven minutes long, this is definitely more of a two-parter of a song, in vain to Pretty Pink Eyes and The First Snowfall being multiple parts in a track. Starts off as a slow somber piece with a ton of reverb and cymbals crashing, and the second half being another breakdown. Plans is to have this track on the latter half on the album, almost right before the final couple of tracks. Honestly not much more to say about this, it's just a damn solid track that really came out of nowhere. I think a good thing about Northern Minnesota, Part II is that it's more focused on longer songs than amount of tracks. Focusing on a couple of songs at a time instead of a bunch of one to two minute long tracks really lets me work on the smaller details of these songs to sound exactly how I want them too. I'd also have to assume it's easier for some listeners to listen to a ten track long album than a twenty-five track long album, even if they are about the same length. I just think it's cool I can actually make longer songs.

"Actually Leaving" Is the only song that has been released in full, albeit as an old demo version on EFMC Vol. 2. It also has been shown in full on my Tumblr page as well, over a year ago. Track used to only be two guitar tracks and a drum track, but I decided for the breakdown bit at the end to double the tracks just to get that wall of sound I desire. Still planning to have this be the last song of the album, since it's such a great end piece. Especially now, since Fargo Breakdown and Actually Leaving both have the same vibe, and I like the idea of all the tracks being similar enough to each other to really feel like a concept album. These tracks have different chord progressions and arrangements, different pacings, but very similar ideas for the base. My main concern with Northern Minnesota, Part II is just making sure nothing is filler, and nothing sounds too samey, while also sounding like it all belongs on the same album. All the main songs I've been working on as of late, the ones that have and will be shown here, are very much based on some sort of build up and breakdown, crescendo type of song. Personally though, I think each breakdown I've done in these songs are different from one another. Each showcase a different style of crescendo. At the end of the day, its okay for some of these songs to sound similar to each other because this is a concept album in heart. And it's especially okay since I'm planning on these songs to be related to each other's concepts. Lyrics, arrangements, even song titles. I want to go crazy with the song titles especially, because I'm a fan of complexity in titles. There is gonna be a lot of part II's in parenthesis and reprisals in brackets, vice versa. Just makes me stupid giddy over the idea of it.

The First Snowfall is one of my absolute favorites on this album. The arpeggio melody in the beginning, the first breakdown with the noisy leads similar to Godspeed You! Black Emperor, the jam session in the middle, and the wall of sound, noise, and reverb at the end as it just gets faster and faster in each second. This song was an absolute blast to make, as well as incredibly difficult and painful. Specifically at the end with the increasing tempo. Playing that on guitar and drums and trying my damn best to keep up was really hard, but I think the sloppiness at the end works really well in its favor. Planning this to be the second to last track of the album, right before Actually Leaving. About ten minutes long. I'm a little concerned that going from the wall of sound to another breakdown might screw up the pacing a little bit, but the times I have listened to the transition, It works pretty well. If I do need to put a trick in between, I'm sure I can figure something out, but we'll see later on when I got more songs to work on.

I remember talking about "Pretty Pink Eyes" on my Tumblr literally a year ago, at the time I'm writing this. That image of Ableton didn't have this many tracks, that's for certain. For the past year I've been struggling with how this song sounded in comparison to everything else. That struggle only got worse as time went on, when I started songs like The First Snowfall, Muni, and especially Fargo Breakdown. This was the first song I started working on alongside Actually Leaving, back in late June of 2022. That was during the time I was still learning how to use Ableton, and how to use it exclusively, no Audacity. Because of that, it just sounded completely different no matter what I tried, and my confidence in music making severely plummeted. There came a point where this song no longer sounded like a song to me, and it sounded worse each time I tried.

At the end of last month I finally realized what my big problem was. It was how I was trying to fix it. Working on old varnish doesn't make things better. They don't mix well. I was working on set ups for tracks that I did a year ago, give or take. It didn't matter if I added another guitar track, or if I changed the distortion or the amount of reverb, or even if I included audio recordings of the song through my speakers into the mix, it wasn't gonna sound like how I wanted it to. I had to start from scratch. I kinda knew this for a while, but I was so afraid to do so due to how hard of a task I thought that would be, and I was afraid I wasn't gonna get exactly what I wanted. There were parts I thought that fit the album well already, and there was the thought it'd be pointless to just restart in that department. But again, there came a point where I just said screw it, and just do it. Wouldn't hurt to try. So I created a copy of the project, got rid of all the audio effects, and reset all the volumes and channels, and started from scratch. And holy hell, the entire song sounds so much better, and more accurate to what I wanted for the album. The amount of relief I felt after finishing the base of the mixing in just a week was literally indescribable, and it felt really good to have been able to do it without that much hassle. Three part song, with three breakdown parts. About eleven minutes long. It's finally the wall of sound I've always wanted it to be. And that makes me incredibly happy. Plans for it to go right after Fargo Breakdown. Whenever this album release, remind me to never work on the same song for over a year and a half ever again. That shit was fucking brutal.

Here is the current tracklist. For clarification, this is nowhere near a finished tracklist, both in order and amount. I want to fill in the middle part of this album more. I just tend to focus on the beginning and end the most. I got plans for a song that will also be ten minutes long that would go right before The First Snowfall. A more slower piece, similar to Snow Globes right before Basketball Shoes by Black Country, New Road. All of these songs shown here, except Actually Leaving, will include lyrics or at least vocals of some kind. I will probably release an instrumental version of this album in the future, whenever the album comes out. I really thought I was gonna release this album this year. That's kinda funny. Soon, I'll probably release some snippets of these tracks onto here, just for fun. Don't expect anything much, probably just thirty second pieces of my favorite parts of these tracks. I might as well tease a little bit more than I have been, eh? Thanks for reading this painfully long post. I appreciate it.

#pigeonscratch #pigeonscratchmusic #northernminnesotapart2 #victoriasisland #bandcamp #image described #i wish i was kaiju #after kaiju #ableton #musicproduction #musicmaking #iwiwk #furrymusic #furry music #pigeon scratch #post rock

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omegaremix · 5 months

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25 Vinyl Records That Influenced My Vinyl Collecting Habits.

‘Top ten’ lists - they were so commonplace on social media before the pandemic that half of the people you knew participated in them. Your friends involuntarily posted lists of their top ten favorite albums, songs, movies, sports moments, video games, books, or whatever came to mind. Then they’d nominate you to do the same if you even cared. All of a sudden they stopped and for a few months everyone did tournament brackets. These days no one does either. Now, tag a band and see if they acknowledge you exist, solve a simple math problem where everyone with a Facebook diploma in mathematics are out to prove you wrong, or answer some useless questions to find out what your new gang initiation name is by removing your first and last letter and any surviving vowels.

But I don’t care about childish entry-level entertainment that everyone will forget about five minutes later. I’d watch Fox News for that. Longtime Ω+ followers know our ‘top tens’ are much more than that: they are playlists, mixtapes, end-of-year finds, and best-of decade results. That’s what I’m into. I’m into what’s important and that’s identifying with people. It’s not a contest or a be-all-end-all game of right-or-wrong. It’s all fully subjective. Without personal results, how special or unique would these lists be?

The last survey I was nominated to do was from WUSB’s Mister Edison, the station’s only cylinder aficionado in its’ 45-year history: top ten vinyl records that influenced your collecting habits. I did volunteer to do it and I was halfway there, then somehow along the way I deleted it. Now, here it is. But, instead of a top ten, we’ll do a top twenty-five because I’m compulsive and 10 is not a square number. All records shown here regardless of size, speed, color, or print run are those that have changed not only my record-collecting habits but also have shaped my musical tastes to an extent.

The record that started it all? KMFDM’s “Power” 12”. It was the very first vinyl record I bought with my own money, just mere months after purchasing most of its discography in one shot at my local record store. I ordered it from the TVT / Wax Trax mail order - my very first mail-order to be exact - numbered to 3,000 copies as a single-sided etched vinyl record in a clear plastic silk-screened jacket. That also came with Underworld’s “Rowla”. Shizuo’s High On Emotion e.p. was my third. Found at what was Port Jefferson’s Music Den, that’s a record I had to have at first sight because I knew it was extremely rare. Glad I made the right call because I never saw it again. Even though I didn’t have a turntable, I bought them anyway thinking I could hold on to them until I finally got my hands on one. Turned out my ma’ and dad had one: a wooden box smaller than the records it played. It literally had no sound and was deemed almost unplayable, so a close “friend” of mine gave me his father’s 1972 Panasonic and a copy of Autechre’s We Are R Y 12”. I was now in business.

From there, another one-time pressing of theirs, the “Keynell” e.p., introduced me to the panic of now-or-never buying. Booth & Brown collectors know how insanely rare their limited edition e.p.’s are and also how they and Warp divided up their Cichlisuite and Envane e.p.’s in two parts. And that was nothing to when Aphex Twin released not one, not two, but eleven e.p.’s as the Analord series through his Rephlex label. Ten regular platters and two versions of Analord 10: either you got the Aphex logo picture disc or, if you were really lucky (we mean that in a literal sense), one that came with the Analord binder which is fetching impossible prices right now. Some of them even came with the mythical Analogue Bubblebath 5. We’re just happy to have purchased all eleven editions for regular price when they first came out. Amazingly in that same year, I did my first-ever label run and purchased $300.00 worth of vinyl and disc releases from DHR.

The first hardcore record I got my hands on - Kill Your Idols’ This Is Just The Beginning - was also the very first music purchase I made at any show. Three years after one of my close friends introduced me to Sick Of It All and hardcore / punk in general, This Is Just The Beginning flung the doors wide open for crushing similar-styled tough-guy finds. Most Long Island record stores sold them when they came in, and places like Hicksville and Centereach’s Utopia (when they did sell them) offered many easy one / two / three-dollar bargain bin purchases of many 7” records, 45’s, and 12” LPS. The Howards & Checkerboard Charlie split is one example of that and one of many local acts I possess. Jemini The Gifted One’s “Funk Soul Sensation” is the only hip-hop record on the list. Ten years ago I re-discovered golden-era hip-hop and realized there was a treasure trove of white-label and 12” singles I never heard of from that time. Those hip-hop / rap singles can be found on the cheap in the same manner as those discount hardcore records. I’ll be on a life-time hunt for them as at this point I don’t have enough of them.

It’s no surprise to see that more than half of this list is made up of Seventies’ jazz / fusion records. If not for Lonnie Liston Smith & The Cosmic Echoes Astral Traveling, I would not have the size of vinyl library I have now. One of our former hip-hop dee-jays at the station played “Expansions”, “Aspirations”, and “Colors Of The Rainbow” and those three cuts literally changed my life. It opened up an avenue for me to re-discover who I was and revisit a certain era of time I missed out on. From that point on, it was all about that era’s sounds, sampling, and personal favorites. John Tropea’s A Short Trip To Space, Les McCann’s Music Lets Me Be, and Roy Ayers’ A Tear To A Smile - those three records define my final years at Stony Brook. Phil Upchurch’s 1979 solo outing, Stuff’s self-titled debut, Emily Remler’s Firefly, Steve Khan’s The Blue Man, Ramsey Lewis’ Tequila Mockingbird, Eric Gale’s Multiplication, and Ronnie Laws’ Pressure Sensitive tie me in and keep me connected to those years.

Karla Bonoff’s Restless Nights and Urbie Green’s The Fox influenced my collection in an amusing way. I had no idea who both artists were until I pulled them out of the bins. What had me purchase them? I bought Restless Nights and The Fox solely based on the year of release (1979 and 1976 respectively). One listen of each and I knew I made two right calls.

Remember when we posted our entry about our close friend Syke who rescued a pile of old records from being thrown out to the curb? Of the 500+ he found, he gave us 50 and we still have most of them. We selected Pete Shelley’s “Telephone Operator” as a reminder of that free giveaway.

I could list both volumes of the original Dirty Dancing motion picture soundtrack which my ma’ had, her only surviving childhood vinyl record of Disney’s Cinderella, or The Pac-Man Album 12″ picture disc written by Patrick McBride and Dana Walden. But those three mentions aren’t influential; just early Atari-youth memories. My first-ever childhood memories I still remember (not photographed) are also vinyl-related: J. Geils Band’s “Centerfold” and The Cars’ “Shake It Up”; the latter which I have in my possession and are the markers of all classic rock records I own around that era. (Think Dire Straits and Donald Fagan’s The Nightfly to name a few.)

Another Atari-youth moment I remember is The Chambers Brothers’ A New Time, A New Day. My dad cut out the album sleeve and used it as a paper holder in our garage. That very record made me think of whatever few platters I remember him having before he sold his entire vinyl library and our library of Atari 2600 games…for a paltry $50.00. “He needed the money” he told me; which is always a pathetic man’s answer to everything. Had he’d seen how enthusiastic I was into music collecting, he would’ve handed his entire collection to me. Roberta Flack’s Quiet Fire, Kiss’ Rock & Roll Over, and The Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers and Their Satanic Majesties Request were the four in his collection he parted with and I have three of them, not including The Chambers Brothers release. He tried to make it up to me, however, by bringing home two separate piles of records he rescued from the curb. One heap was full of polka records which I donated to WUSB’s resident polka lady before she died the same year. The other heap? Since you didn’t ask: loads of classic hippie rock records, showtunes, and celebrity albums. Jim Nabors on wax? Stop before I deactivate this account.

Finally, Boulders’ Rock & Roll Will Never Die. Look it up and you’ll see it’s a near total obscurity only confined to hipster circles who know what’s up. A five-track Wharf Records release picked up for less than $3.00 is the one 12" that may as well get me into the Discogs purchasing game for all rare releases (not found in stores) I’ve been looking for in the past seven years. I’ve played many of them on Omega WUSBand soon after bought a substantial chunk of their discographies in one shot (three Happy Meals / Free Love LP’s and three Black Marble discs, for example). As a nice side effect, it’ll be the the same for cassettes as well such as Believer/Law’s Matters Of Life And Death and JS Aurelius’ Machines Water The Plants Now - if the seller’s price is right, that is.

Notice how we went from KMFDM to Boulders? You can’t get any more disparate in styles and worlds between the two. The first purchases, public library finds, donations, record fairs, mail orders, samples, jazz-fusion and soul, hardcore and hip-hop buy-outs, record-store victory tours, and many other moments I might have missed…that’s 25 years of buying vinyl records spanning many different collecting eras and genres for me. That’s only one format, and also not counting acquiring music by other means such as radio and downloads which also shaped my collection. The bingo board jumble you see is only a tiny pinch of my musical tastes and not the whole story of my listening habits that’s usually broadcast on Omega WUSB or always posted here on Ω+.

After making this list, I’m reminded that I’m the most diverse person I know. I’m proud that my low-lying threshold for accepting and liking sound and concept allowed me to make that diversity into a science and have that mind-blowing knowledge I have of it. I’m as consistent, thorough, and far-reaching as I possibly can while hitting as many targets as possible. Would there be more bingo boards like this? Only if I make sure of it.

Phil Upchurch: self-titled

Lonnie Liston Smith: Astral Traveling

Karla Bonoff: Restless Nights

Steve Khan: The Blue Man

Chambers Brothers: A New Time, A New Day

Emily Remler: Firefly

Boulders: Rock And Roll Will Never Die

KMFDM: “Power”

John Tropea: A Short Trip To Space

Les McCann: Music Let’s Me Be

Shizuo: High On Emotion

J. Geils Band: “Centerfold”

Aphex Twin: Analord 10 picture disc

Jemini The Gifted One: “Funk Soul Sensation”

Roy Ayers: A Tear To A Smile

Ramsey Lewis: Tequila Mockingbird

Pete Shelley: “Telephone Operator”

Autechre: “Keynell”

Kill Your Idols: This Is Just The Beginning

The Cars: Shake It Up

Ronnie Laws: Pressure Sensitive

Stuff: Stuff

Eric Gale: Multiplication

Urbie Green: The Fox

Checkerboard Charlie b/w The Howards split

#omega #music #mixtapes #playlists #perosnal #vinyl #records #jazz #fusion #soul #noise rock #industrial #electronic #rock #hip-hop #new wave #ska

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rickie-the-storyteller · 1 year

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WIP Title Meme Tag

Thank you very much to @rbbess110 for tagging me to do this! I've never done this one before.

RULES: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the most intriguing title, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! Then tag as many people as you have WIPs. (this part is optional tho)

The thing is... all my writing files are all over the place lol. That being said, I have some good titles that hopefully you guys will like a lot! I'm looking forward to seeing what you guys ask about my work.

Most of my file names are chapter titles.

Steph's Crew: The Misfit Manifesto

Exam Week

The End (of February Mocks)

Life with B

Nothing but the Truth

A Million Lives (and all of them suck)

Suspended

Life Without B

Why I Could Never Be a Rebel

Detention

The Aftermath

Bret 2.0

Half Term

Ben's Leaving Party

It's Too Late to Apologise

Climbing Uphill (slowly but surely)

Figuring Life Out (it sucks, but it's necessary)

Times Are Changing

Moving On

Alice's Sitcom-esque Family

I Have a Crush on You

Where Are You, Ben?

How to Get Back on Track

Movie Night's with El

I Miss My Man

Is This What Love Is?

Boyfriend

Anything Could Happen (almost)

Honeymoon

Library Sessions

An Unexpected (and Unwanted) Visitor from the Past

Drunk, Lonely, Miserable Losers

We Don't Talk Much Anymore... and It Sucks

A Night to Remember

A Night I'll Probably Never Forget

Where's Steph?

Leaving on a Jet Plane

The Beginning (of our final exams)

Epilogue (Stephanie's letters to her friends)

There. That's all the chapters in order (at least, I hope it's in order... idk tho). Something about this story that's really fun is that each of these chapters is in the perspective of a different character! Originally, it was just in Steph's POV (it was supposed to be her journal). I'm still very much in the process of editing this one, so some of these could still change in future (some of these chapter titles are way too long imo).

Steph's Crew: Unreported Violent Crimes

This is the sequel to the first book! I've only started it a couple of months ago... so there aren't quite as many this time. It's not quite finished yet, but I'm definitely going to add more chapters to this later!

The News Report

So, Some Guy Died Last Night...

Pillow Talk

The History of Stephanie and Ben

To Take Matters into One's Own Hands

Visiting an Old Friend

Stephanie's Upbringing

I've Never Had a Best Friend

The Story of Em and Jack

This is a story that I'm posting on Wattpad! I've already posted chapter 1, but I've got all these other chapters in the works as well:

Jemily

Flashback #1 (Elementary School)

Friends

Summertime

Meeting Mom

Jen's Party

Flashback #2 (Freshman Year)

"You broke me."

Back to School

"I think I loved you."

The Best Friend Zone

Flashback #3 (The First Breakup)

Square One

Thinking about the Future

Homecoming

Together

Be Good

"Let's NOT fight about this."

Fast-forward (College)

Another story that I'm planning to post on Wattpad is my Five Seconds Flat series... but I'm not going to post any of my file names/chapter names here, because it's literally based off of the Lizzy McAlpine album of the same name lol. All the chapters are titles from the album. Here's a link to it in case you want to see it, though (the album is awesome, btw. Hope you guys enjoy it!!):

(I'm posting this series here in September! So you guys will get to see this very soon... I'm super excited! There are 10 chapters this time - this story has an ensemble cast of characters, and each chapter has a new focus character. There isn't a single "main character" - though some characters appear more than others)

1: “Starting Point" (focus character = Zephyr)

2: “Meet Cute” (focus character = Eurydice)

3: "Just This Once…" (focus character = Caius)

4: "Junebug" (focus character = Juniper)

5: "New Friends" (focus character = Cassius)

6: "Don’t Be a B-word" (focus character = Avalon)

7: "Say it with Chest" (focus character = Isadora)

8: "Things Shouldn’t Be Like This" (focus character = Adara)

9: "Hey, Brother" (focus character = Xander)

10: "Shut Up, Marcy!" (focus character = Marcelline)

Imma tag these people to do this next: @fayeiswriting, @kirsten-is-writing, @e-s-willswriting, @jay-avian, @clairelsonao3, @sarahlizziewrites, @mjparkerwriting, @silverslipstream, @winterandwords, @exquisitecrow, @elizaellwrites, @writingalterras, @thecreakywriter, @sam-glade, @hollyannewrites, @ryns-ramblings, @autumnalwalker, @toribookworm22, @blind-the-winds, @falesiacats, @j-1173, @gummybugg, @jessicawestonauthor, @thelavenderwriter, @jay-avian, @mysticstarlightduck

#rickie-the-storyteller #writerblr #tag game #wip title game #Spotify

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ghostlycircaea · 4 months

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So for the sake of organization (and some unabashed self-promo):

All of my art is tagged #Calliedrawsghosts

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Stories

My AC Odyssey AU: #ChildrenoftheMountain au

Chapter 1 is out!

Summary:

When Alexios had staggered to his feet after being thrown from Mount Taygetos, he believed himself to be the only one to survive. But stepping over the priest's corpse towards the bundle of blankets beyond him proved him wrong. Nearly a decade and a half later, the relative safety they had found in Kephallonia was quickly vanishing. With Kausos burned to the ground and the cult having found them once again, the list of reasons to stay was quickly dwindling. When the opportunity to board the Adrestia and never look back presents itself, Alexios, with Kassandra and Phoibe in tow, takes the chance.

I’m also working on a graphic novel pitch, so stay tuned for that. I'll edit this once I’ve got something I can actually post.

Summary:

When an earthquake destroyed the Fort Chelwick mall, twins Katie and Cleo were lost in the chaos. Their remains were never found, but most believe them to have died in the collapse. But ten years later Katie reappears, seeming to have not aged a day leaving her family reeling.

If you have questions about whatever stories I’m working on, feel free to ask! I’ll avoid giving spoilers, but other than that I’m happy to answer any questions!

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Links:

AO3: Enchanters_Ghost

My References: https://pin.it/7qkmgugUB

Commissions: https://ko-fi.com/ghostlycircaea

(If you’re looking for something I don’t have listed or you’d rather use paypal, DM me and I’ll let you know if your project is something I can take on)

Other links: https://linktr.ee/ghostlycircaea

#childrenofthemountain au #calliedrawsghosts #commissions open #art commissions

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canonicallyobserving911 · 1 year

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WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO4

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Buddie Fanfic Series: Their Firsts, At Last

Part 6 will be available soon.

I wasn’t tagged by anyone but I wanted to share a snippet from Part 6 of my series titled Their Firsts, At Last.

At the end of part 5, Buck and Eddie completed their first phase of couples therapy and now they’re about to share another first. It’s a major milestone in their relationship but there’s still one BIG conversation they must have before they share it.

I’m still working on this part and I’ll be editing it soon. I hope to have it posted by the end of the week.

66K Words; Currently 5 completed works ___________ Here’s a snippet from part 6. ___________

Buck joins him a few minutes later and he sits down on the chase lounge chair next to the one Eddie’s sitting on. It’s quiet as they spend several minutes looking at and listening to the ocean.

It’s dark and even though they can see each other, the only lights illuminating the beach are the ones from the houses close to the shore. Since it’s after midnight, the light shining from inside of the house they’re staying in, appears to be the only one on.

Eddie sips his beer, then turns his head and asks, “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Of course not. Go ahead.”

He inhales then locks eyes with Buck. “Before I say this, I want to clarify that this is about us and no one else.”

Buck raises his eyebrows but he nods then waits for him to continue.

“Could you tell me why we still haven’t discussed a few things? I mean we’ve been to couples therapy and we agreed to talk about everything... including the things we haven’t talked about but if I’m honest…” He moves his hand around to motion at the beach house and their surroundings. “I felt blindsided when you told me about all of this so my question is… have I done something to make you feel like you can’t talk to me about everything?”

Buck’s not sure how to approach this subject but he decides the best course of action is to just be honest.

“Actually, um…” He trails off because he wants to choose his words carefully.

Eddie patiently waits for him to continue.

“Yes, you did say something that makes me… um, wonder if I can tell you some things.” He watches Eddie’s eyes widen but he continues.

“Do you remember the treasure hunt we participated in about two and a half years ago?”

Eddie slowly nods then says, “Yeah, I remember it”.

Buck moves uncomfortably on the chase lounge. “Well… that day when we were in the loft at work and the team was talking about it, you said, ‘Your girlfriend’s new story is probably not going to help with that.’ But when I said Taylor was my friend not my girlfriend, you made a face like you… didn’t believe me.”

“Oh!” Eddie replies as realization sets in because he definitely remembers it. He was being petty and he knows he was jealous but Buck ended up dating Taylor anyway, so he wasn’t wrong about his assumption regarding them being more than just friends. Even though he was dating Ana, he didn’t want Buck dating anyone and he understands he was being a hypocrite but he never wanted this. Them not talking is why they ended up having a huge argument which led to them going to couples therapy and he wants Buck to feel like he can talk to him about anything.

They quietly continue to sip their beers as they allow the words to settle around them.

After a minute or two, Eddie sips his beer, looks over at Buck then finally says, “I apologize if I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me and that wasn’t my intention. I don’t ever want you to feel like that again so, if I ever say something or make a comment you don’t like, will you talk to me about it?”

Buck nods then echoes, “Yeah, I—I’ll do that.”

Eddie’s glad they discussed it but there’s still something else he wants to know and it’s been festering a lot longer than this part of the conversation they had Tuesday.

“So… is the comment I made about Taylor years ago the reason why you didn’t talk to me about the sperm donation?”

How will Buck respond to Eddie’s question about his sperm donation?

___________

Fic Summary: A multi-part fanfic series about the romantic “firsts” Buck and Eddie share as they journey through life in an established relationship and their lives as a couple will include some of Buck’s individual “firsts” too. It’s filled with the FANON love, romance, fluff and domesticity their relationship should have been allowed to experience in CANON. The second part of the series title was adapted from the song “At Last” by Etta James.

First Love Confession - 8.2K Words; Rated: General Audiences: Buck and Eddie share their first real and meaningful love confession.

First Date - 11.7K Words; Rated: General Audiences: Buck and Eddie go on their first date.

First Kiss - 12.7K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: Buck and Eddie share their first kiss.

First Argument - 14.7K Words; Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: Buck and Eddie have their first argument.

First Couples Therapy Session - 18.2K Words: Rated: Teen and Up Audiences: Buck and Eddie go to their first couples therapy sessions.

First ? - Part 6 will be available soon.

This series of FANON future speculation fanfics is being written on a continuous timeline that begins with the start of season 7 (if it were to start in September 2023). Each part ends at a specific point in Buck and Eddie’s relationship so the next part can begin with the ending of the previous part. Therefore, parts 1-4 should be read prior to reading part 5 and the series will continue in that manner until it’s complete.

Parts 1 - 5 are available on AO3.

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kores-pomegranate · 1 year

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So, I’m feeling Very Trans™️ tonight, and I realized I have never really written out my gender journey, or tried to put it all together chronologically. I think it would be nice to do that, so here we go.

I was in high school in the early 2000s in very rural Georgia. There weren’t any openly gay kids, let alone any openly trans kids. I can’t recall ever hearing the word nonbinary until after college.

Despite having no frame of reference or language for anything to do with gender, this is how I looked in high school.

I can remember getting tagged in that photo on MySpace and feeling what I can now identify as gender euphoria, but I didn’t have language for that. I just felt like I looked so *good,* but I couldn’t explain why I thought that. Now I’m like, hey bro you look pretty androgynous there, so maybe that was it.

I can remember begging my mom, from about 7th grade on, to let me cut my hair short. I cut out a photo of a very short pixie cut from a magazine that I kept as my inspo photo for like…five years? I had it stashed away in my box of keepsakes (I actually still have it) and I looked at it all the time. I just wanted to look like that model so bad and my mom was so firm on not letting me cut my hair that short. She was worried I would look like a boy, and I couldn’t understand that fear. My brain kept asking itself “who cares if I look like a boy? It doesn’t matter.”

She finally let me cut it the summer before my senior year of high school, and that is the first time I can remember feeling gender euphoria.

I loved how I looked and how it made me feel. My daily outfit of choice was usually “boy pants” and something very…gender neutral on top? I rarely wore dresses or anything hyper femme, but I never went hard in the other direction. It was all vibes, baybee.

I started growing my hair out when I started college. I went to an extremely small, extremely conservative Pentecostal college still located in rural Georgia, and there was a lot of unspoken expectation to be a “cool church girl.” For those unfamiliar, “cool church girls” were “edgy” because they had nose piercings and wore makeup and pants. They had “hippy vibes” while being hyper-religious. For the first time, I felt like I stuck out in a very bad way. Somehow, the gender expectations of my college were way worse than those from high school. So, I went in hard on that vibe, because I lost all sense of self.

These photos suck because it was the early 2000s and THAT’S JUST HOW IT WAS. In that particular picture I was also very much in the clutches of an eating disorder, so obviously there was a lot of self and body hatred happening in that person.

I got married the summer before my senior year of college. I was t w e n t y years old (it’s 9 and a half years later and I’m getting a divorce…soooo 😬). I was still so deeply immersed in this hyper feminine imagine of what a good Christian girl looked like. I was miserable for a lot of reasons, not just related to gender, but not unrelated either.

(That’s a candid of me like an hour before I was supposed to get married. Staring into the middle distance and dissociating a little 😅)

So, I got married, and then I thought, “okay, I did the thing, now I can go back to being this more comfortable and less feminine version of myself, because I successfully got the Ring Before Spring. No need to pretend any longer. So I chopped my hair off and instead of paying attention in class I fucker around with Snapchat filters and edited beards onto my face.

I remember my husband at the time messaging me after I posted that selfie on Facebook asking me to take it down because it “made him feel uneasy and uncomfortable” to see me looking like that, even if it was supposed to be “funny.”

That same year, for my big senior paper for my capstone class, I chose to write about why gender affirming medical care was the most compassionate and moral thing a Christian physician could ever offer to a patient. I was starting to wake up to issues of gender and sexuality insofar as how they related to larger society. As I learned about trans folks, I felt a deep yet confusing sense of empathy for how miserable it must feel to be in a body that doesn’t feel right, but to essentially have no medical options (especially at the time), to feel more affirmed in their gender.

I wrote that it is the responsibility of every physician to heal, and traced it back to the disciple Luke, who was often referred to in my school as “the first doctor.” I pulled out scripture references about the unrestricted love of god along with how preposterous it would be to deny care to someone who had a “more acceptable condition.” I think at the time I used cleft palate as an example. I wrote that it would be monstrous to deny reconstructive facial surgery to someone with cleft palate (if it was something they wanted), but if a trans woman wants facial reconstructive surgery in order to look more feminine, suddenly everyone has a huge problem.

At the time I still firmly identified as a cis woman, but it was while writing that paper that I remember having my first conscious thought about my gender. I thought to myself, “this…really all makes sense to me. Uh oh.” Then I shoved those thoughts and feelings into a box that I didn’t touch for almost a decade after that.

The next three pictures represent the “my egg is about to crack but it hasn’t yet” period of my journey. I went back to being hyper femme for a long time, and ended up with really long hair. I got pretty obsessed with makeup and makeup culture, and usually didn’t leave to do anything significant without a full beat. Eventually that waned, and I started to get this restless feeling that I sometimes got. I felt that I needed a change, because I wanted to look…more like myself? I just knew I wasn’t happy with the current state of things and something had to change. So I dyed my hair…a lot.

That felt good for a long time. But the restlessness returned in full force.

By that time, I had fully deconstructed Christianity and had been out of church and Christian culture for years. I had accepted my queerness and come out to most people, and was also practicing polyamory. I realized that so much about me had changed in a way that finally felt authentic, and yet. Something still felt like it wasn’t right yet.

I had gained a lot of language for gender expansiveness by then, and had a lot of experiences with being around trans folks, really for the first time in my life. Existing closely with people who threw all concept of gender out the window and reformed it into something that felt good to them made something click in me. Finally, f i n a l l y, it made sense to me. I wasn’t a girl, and I never had been. I wasn’t a boy either, and I didn’t want to be one, at least not in the stereotypical binary type of way.

I slowly started talking about maybe being non-binary to the people I was closest to, and while the first reaction was a solid dose of surprise, when they actually processed it 100% of the people I talked to said something to the effect of “oh that makes a lot of sense, actually.”

So here I am now, Very Nonbinary and very very very rarely femme. A lot of times I lean toward a trans-masc-ish identity or way of presenting, but it changes so much that a more specific label feels pointless.

I’m happy, finally. I don’t know where my gender journey will take me, but what I do know is that I fully have the freedom to go where I want and continue finding who I am, and that feels goddamn good.

Bonus for those who got to the end: me in the seventh grade dressed as Henry David Thoreau for, and I cannot emphasize this enough, *literally no reason.* there was not a school project or presentation, there was no assignment. I just wanted to do it, so I did it. The fact that I didn’t question my gender earlier frankly just confirms that I have always been the biggest thembo of them all.

#me #blog #nonbinary #enby #gender #gender journey #trans #transgender #transition story #they/them #trans masc

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engagedtobefree · 5 months

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I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own.

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun.

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever.

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship.

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right.

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it.

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha.

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason.

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

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foxgloveinspace · 8 months

Note

Please always ramble in the tags 😭🫶🏼✨ reading tags are some of my favorite things, esp yours tbh

I hope your weekend was good dude! And I hope your migraine fucks off quicklyyy!

I’m trying to get some studying done today, it’s not working yet, but I’m trying!

PS link for your 14K FIC?!?! FUCKIN DUDE THATS AWESOME IM SO PROUD AND SO HAPPY FOR YOUUU!!!

@a-little-lynx

Good Luck Studying!! I hope you find your groove, and it goes really well!! This is my favorite rain noise video on youtube if you like those, I put it on when I need to drown out the rest of the world for reading, haha.

My migraine is already going away a bit, I turned off my headphones, even tho I was listening to The Summoning as a little, 'its been one year since i heard you' celebration, but I can do that later too.

I would link it, but its not posted yet🙇, I'm waiting till it's done before I post it, cause I have discovered through trial and error that that is best for me (*looks sadly at my now mostly abandoned Dune fic that I will finish one of these days but I don't know when it'll be.*)

I don't even know if I'm half way done with it even, I don't even know if I'm gonna post it as chapters? or post it as a really long one shot (but from what I hear, it's best to do it as chapters cause if you get passed 50k you can't edit it after posting, oof. I always forget tags). I think if i do, do chapters, I just finished the first one, haha. It's like, a dream come true though? cause SamTron/SamRinzler is one of my longest running ships (I'd go as far to call it my rare pair otp, haha) and Tron: Legacy is my favorite movie of all time, and I've wanted to write a long as fuck fic for them for years and years and years, so now that I'm finally doing it!!! Ugh. I'm just. so giddy about it, and I hope I am getting their characters right (even tho I've watched the movie about 50 times at this point and have the freaking.... script memorized at this point.) And!!! Yeah.... I'm so happy about it... I'm also being so so self indulgent with it (for me this means adding in little details that don't really matter, like the fact that Sam keeps body armor drinks in his fridge instead of like Gatorade, or that Quorra is a picky eater now that she can, ya know, actually taste things besides Energy on the Grid...... I am uhh, assuming you've watched Tron/Tron: Legacy Cass, if not its a-ok, I just realized some of this makes no since haha.) I am just.... really getting into it?

I'm also trying to keep the main plot under covers until I post it, cause I feel like the anticipation of keeping it sceret will motivate me to beign able to finish it!

#hihi!!!#a-little-lynx #i mean.... if you want I can send you a link to my most popular fic?? it's about 36k long. I just don't know if you'd like the ship haha.#theres a an age gap (but everyone involved is of age in my fic!! I don't write about anything but adults!)#and the ship is controversial in the main part of the fandom. but its 1158 kudos and 318 bookmarks and its my little baby I'm so proud of <#It's even on page one now when you sort by kudos!!! that's such a big deal in fandom haha.#I want to go back and write the little one shots I have planned in that universe but I don't have the motivation for it sadly... maybe in #the spring I'll have the motivation #oh...its uhhh its a Luke x Percy fic. Idk if you ever read PJO #A lot of people hate Luke and any Luke ship. Idk....... the fic kinda possessed me when I was writing it haha. much like this tron one is.#anywayyyyyyyy.#it's a super soft fluffy falling in love with your enemy when he's no longer your enemy fic. 'hes seen the worst parts of me and decided I #am still worthy of love' ect ect. It also takes place mostly in a coffee shop! and it's just.... cozy fluffy winter christmas vibes haha.#uhhhhh.... yeah... idk.#lots of rambles about lots of things this time haha

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dari-ede · 2 years

Text

In the Middle of the Night: Chapter 18 (M)

Chapter 18: "Loving Me Might be Dangerous"

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Summary: As Bangtan prepares for a new chapter in their lives, they head to their private property in the forest for a songwriting workshop. As a songwriter and producer they have worked with for years, I’m asked to tag along. I was ready for the heavy workload and small amount of sleep during the workshop week. However, I wasn’t ready for the storm that came that changed my friendship with Namjoon forever.

Pairing: Idol!RM/Namjoon x OFC

Genre: Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Smut

Trigger warning/spoilers: talk of trauma, implied abusive/toxic relationship, implied sexual abuse/assault

Rating: M (explicit language, scenes)

Status: COMPLETE

AN: Sorry for the later-than-usual post (once again). As I was editing this week, the first half of this chapter went through a HUGE revision. The chapter was already done but as I did my final edit, I noticed it needed a whole rewrite. The closer we get to the end of this story, the more I need to go back to revise some things. We are closer to the end than we are to the beginning, everyone. Thank you so much for staying with me!

Warning/spoilers: oral sex, swallowing, breast play, multiple orgasms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Weeks Later-

Overnight bag in hand, I arrived at Namjoon’s front door, knocking excitedly late at night.

The door flung open no more than a couple of seconds later, deep dimples welcoming me.

Once inside, Namjoon took the bag from me and pulled me in for an open-mouth kiss.

I kicked off my shoes as the door shut behind us. My tongue welcomed the intrusion as I let out a deep moan.

The tension between the two of us the entire day had been intense. Due to the online concert taking place tomorrow, all week long, we hadn’t seen much of each other. The most we had seen of one another was today at rehearsal. But because of the dozens of eyes and cameras surrounding us, we were forced to keep a distance. We stole a few glances at each other but ensured we didn’t get too close. For hours we were around each other but had not touched or spoken much. Suffice it to say, the spark between us continued to ignite and felt like it would explode at any moment.

At the chance I had to leave the stadium, I did Namjoon’s text came no more than a minute after I announced I was leaving.

MONI: Be at my house in two hours. If I don’t answer, use the code. No nightwear. Just you.

I must have read it at least dozens of times, imagining his deep, demanding tone in my ear. My pussy had been wet ever since.

I hadn’t fully listened to his instructions, though. I did bring an overnight bag with me that contained any necessities I would need. I didn’t intend to come back home before the concert, so I would be getting ready at Namjoon’s place tomorrow. However, I did listen to him and brought no nightwear. I fully believed him that there would be no need for clothes tonight.

Namjoon began to walk us toward his room. I wasn’t good at walking backward, so I held onto his shoulders and jumped onto his chest. I had climbed on him enough by now that his body had learned to catch me nicely.

Our lips did not detach the entire walk to his room. He set my bag down somewhere and softly set me down on the bed. It was much smoother than the first time he had placed me on his mattress weeks ago.

“What’s so funny?” he asked between kisses.

Damn, I hadn’t realized I was laughing. “Nothing,” I lied. “Just keep kissing me,” I pleaded, not wanting to ruin the magic. We had gone so long without touching; I didn’t want this to stop.

“Did you get a nap in?” he asked, his hands taking hold of my shirt and pulling.

I knew what he was implying. “Don’t worry. Your cock is a good source of dopamine,” I said as I pulled his pants, my hand making its way to his thickness.

He let out a grunt as he pulled off my pants and panties at the same time. His long fingers took a handful of my ass and squeezed. “Your mouth has gotten filthier.” He pushed us further into the bed, making me settle in the middle with him between my legs.

I let go of his cock and felt it move on its own, pleading for me for attention. I pushed up against his chest to sit up. “You complaining about my mouth?” I questioned as my mouth took hold of that space between his neck and ear. The spot I learned drove him nuts.

He let out a groan, a hand of his reaching up to take hold of my tit to squeeze. “Only because it’s not around my cock right now.” He dived in and took a mouthful of me. His tongue darted out to run circles around my nipple.

I let out a squeak, scratching at his back when I felt his teeth lightly graze my skin.

Namjoon wasn’t much of a dirty talker with me. Around his guy friends, I would overhear him and make nasty jokes, but around girls, he was always mindful. He had loosened up around me in the last couple of years, but since we had become an item his language was getting dirtier. It was definitely a turn-on.

He was in the middle of worshiping my breast when I surprised him and rolled him off me. I settled myself on his lap, his cock standing straight up.

I reached between us, taking his member and navigating it to where I needed it. “I’ll do it once it tastes like us.” I descended on him before he could ask what I meant. My pussy stretched and slightly burned at the sensation. His cock was still too big for my pussy to take without foreplay.

His hands came to my hips, helping me take and gripping me tightly. “You’re tight.”

Maybe I should have stimulated myself before taking him in or at least used lube, but it was too late for that, he was already inside. And while I felt slight discomfort, the sting felt also incredible. I took a breath, looking down at the glorious creature underneath me. The dragon eyes were staring up at me, the sweat dripping off his body felt too delicious to be coming off a normal human, and the grip holding me felt more like claws. This was the kind of sex that got me off the most; the kind that I tended to prefer when I was in deep need of release: the wild kind. And judging by the look of pure ecstasy coming from Namjoon’s face, he needed to tap into that wilder part of himself.

His hands came to the swell of my breasts and traveled down to my nipples. He took each of them into his fingers and rolled the buds, sending quivers right into my pussy.

I used my knees to move, going slow at first. My body needed to get used to him before I could go at my preferred pace, which tended to be rough and fast. Thankfully, the discomfort quickly faded and all I could feel was pleasure. I quickened my movements.

Namjoon’s hands were still on my hips, supporting me more than controlling me. “You look damn good riding me, girl.”

My movements only became more erratic with his praise, feeling my orgasm approaching.

He sat up, his mouth coming to my tit again. He slurped and feasted on it like a starved man. I had no milk to give, but I believed if he continued the way he did, some would appear.

His hips came up to meet mine, his thighs slamming into mine. I could see a vein appear across his neck. He was getting close, but I didn’t want him to.

“Not yet,” I said breathlessly, my fingers scratching at his chest. “Me first.”

He took a deep breath to still himself. Then moved one of his hands between us. His thumb touched my clit, pushing me to the brink. I let out a cry as blackness came over.

As my orgasm took over, Namjoon’s thrusts continued, but at a slower pace.

“Close,” his husky voice let out once my body had settled against his.

I pulled out of him, quickly, and made my way down his cock. My lips engulfed his thickness, and I could see his eyes roll back once he was in my mouth.

The taste of my tangy sweetness combined with his salty, sour goodness was enough to make me want to cum again. I controlled myself and focused on bringing him to his peak. Keeping eye contact with him, I pulled back, pulling his cock out of my mouth with a pop. “We taste fucking good,” I mumbled and went back to dining on his gorgeous cock.

He let out a moan, the vein in his neck coming back. “Shit. I can’t hold it.”

I took him in both my hands and pumped him. “I want to drink you,” I said desperately.

He looked ready to lose it. I stroked him faster and reached underneath him to squeeze his jewels. He let out a grunt and pushed into my throat, his stomach hitting my nose. I let out a gagging sound and the noise seemed to do it for him. A warm, fuzzy liquid jetted down my throat. I drank as much as I could.

Namjoon let out a grunt, pulled back, and pushed in a little at my mouth once more before falling back onto the bed. His massive cock exited my mouth and a copious amount of my spit mixed with some of his milky cum pulled out as well. The string of spit connected his dick to my mouth. I used the mix of liquids to stroke his cock. He twitched a bit at the overstimulation.

“You’re gonna kill me,” he let out, taking deep breaths in trying to calm himself.

I giggled and crawled my way up his body, my body craving cuddles.

Usually, after sex, we shared a calm moment before starting up again, but Namjoon’s kisses and caresses were bluntly telling me he was ready for round two.

He was needing to blow off steam. It wasn’t just about needing my body or the stress of the online concert, but something else was bothering him. I wasn’t shy about sex and used it plenty of times myself as a stress reliever. I didn’t mind him using my body to release some of my pent-up emotions. Especially when he made sure I was always left me plenty satisfied.

His palms took hold of the back of my thighs, bending them until they reached my shoulders. My legs were spread before him, allowing my pussy to be in full display for him. His mouth came down on my cunt and ate me like a starved man.

This was going to be a long night. And I was going to fucking enjoy every moment of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The woodsy scent in the air was the first thing I caught on to as I woke up. The scent was too powerful so I knew I wasn’t in my own home. I had slept in this room a handful of times already to know I was in Namjoon’s bedroom. Last night had gone for hours. It had taken a few hours for Namjoon to have quenched his thirst. While I was fully taken over desire along with him, in the back of my mind, I knew Namjoon was dealing with something—news he must have gotten after I had left.

As I opened my eyes, I found Namjoon was not in bed with me. This came as no surprise. Artists rarely got a full night’s rest right before a show.

I rolled out of the bed, my body feeling a little sore from the night’s events. I walked towards the full-length mirror to witness the aftermath. Even with the poor light, I could easily detect small bruising along my thighs and hips. My breasts were slightly red and a bit swollen.

There was nothing about last night that I hadn’t enjoyed, but I knew this was going to be a heavy topic this morning. I mindfully got myself ready.

I went over to my overnight bag and pulled out a fresh pair of panties and then looked around to see what I could put on since I hadn’t brought any nightwear. I found one of Namjoon’s many Fear of God tees and slipped it on.

Once clothed, I made my way out of the room in search of him.

I spotted him in his dining room, sitting in his reading chair which was surrounded by dozens of books. He was deep in thought reading when I found him, not hearing me come in. He was hunched over, elbows laid on his legs, reading a heavy book. He was sporting his thick, reading glasses that made him look the perfect combination of adorable and hot.

I wanted to just stand there and absorb him, but when he began to roll his neck around and stretch out his neck, I instinctively walked over. His neck and shoulder problems would always be an issue for him but he would never want to make a big deal out of it.

It wasn’t until he felt my hands on his shoulders that he noticed me.

He jumped, startled, but quickly settled. “Ah, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” I said, continuing my massage. “How long have you been up?”

Namjoon closed his book and settled on the chair, giving in to my touch. “Too long.”

I found a nasty knot. The moment I applied the right amount of pressure on him, he let out a grunt. Yeah, something was definitely up. “Want to talk about it?”

“What do you mean?” he asked with some hesitation.

He needed honesty. “Your body is a bundle of stress. We hardly spoke last night. Not to mention, while I enjoyed every bit of it, you were a little rougher than usual.”

At this Namjoon’s entire body snapped towards me, his eyes frantically searching my body.

I had slight regret in admitting this but knew that if I wanted Namjoon to be honest with me, I needed to be as well. There was no way he was going to let me in unless I gave a little.

“I’m fine,” I said once he spotted a large bruise right below the hem of the t-shirt. When he didn’t turn away and looked to be remorseful, I took his chin in my hand and forced him to look up at me. “You did nothing I didn’t enjoy.”

He opened his mouth and looked to say two words I really didn’t want him to.

I stopped it with a gentle kiss. “If you want to make it up to me, you can talk to me about what’s going on.”

He let out a sigh and settled back onto his seat.

I let go of his hand and walked over to the armchair adjacent to it, one closer to the kitchen.

“We’re doing a few shows in Vegas in April,” he said.

Immediately, I felt thrilled about the news. It was something the company had been aiming for, some of the guys had shared the possibility of it some weeks ago with me. They had been excited about it, so I was puzzled as to why Namjoon didn’t look over the moon.

I didn’t say a word, however, allowing Namjoon plenty of time to voice his thoughts to me. After a moment, he seemed to be ready. “We have four shows here in Seoul, but I wanted to do more. Maybe some in Busan, but higher-ups want to wait until after Seoul to see if regulations were to lighten up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy we’ll be going to Vegas, but….” He stopped himself, looking guilty.

I finished it for him, “But it’s not home. You want more shows here.”

There was a small and shameful nod. “Am I being ungrateful?”

“No,” I said instantly. “I think it’s normal to have conflicting emotions about everything. There’s the excitement of shows, but also the disappointment that things aren’t speeding up the way you need them to. You can feel multiple things at once.”

He gave a nod, but his eyes told me there was something more. His shoulders were still sagging from carrying a heavy load he didn’t want on him.

“What else?” I pushed a little.

He let out a restless sigh. “There’s something I haven’t yet told you.”

“What?”

He avoided my eyes. “The seven of us have decided to make a deal with each other. We’ve been talking about it all summer long and it’s honestly one of the reasons why we’re letting go of the dorms. It’s not so much that we’re needing space—which definitely is part of it—but it has more to do with what we’re planning for the future.”

I held my breath, my heart hammering hard against my chest. In the pit of my stomach, I knew what this was in regard to. Every time I thought about this, I got sick to my stomach.

Namjoon’s eyes moved up to meet mine. The beautiful irises that could make me to mush and could turn up my desire were now tearing at my heartstrings. He looked so defeated. “We’re giving it until the summer for the government to figure out what they want to do about our enlistment. If things are still up in the air, Jin-hyung wants to just be done with it and enlist by the end of summer. He’s done waiting—done making noona feel like she’s walking on a tightrope. And the rest of us want to follow him.”

There it was, my heart sinking and getting stomped on. I felt the tears appear, but seeing Namjoon already crying, I held it together. There could only be one of us in shambles at the moment. Two being fully emotional did no one any good.

“Would it be the same time as Jin?” I asked, my voice slightly shaking.

He shook his head slightly. “We would leave in less than a year of him.”

I nodded, inclining I understood. An image flashed in my mind of going an entire day without communicating with Namjoon. The simple thought made me feel like vomiting. I couldn’t remember the last time I went longer than 24 hours without hearing from Namjoon. Especially since we had gotten together. We didn’t go more than 24 hours from seeing each other. To have to go longer? It seriously made me sick to my stomach.

And as bad as I felt on the inside, Namjoon looked much worse on the outside.

My best friend was someone who was fully in touch with his emotions, never allowing himself to be closed off. It was one of the many things I adored about him. How he could feel so much all at once and hold no shame or guilt or shyness for it was admirable.

“I know we just started out,” he let out, his voice shaking but still in control. “But it just makes me angry. And I then feel ashamed for feeling angry.”

I went over to him, crouching in front of him and taking his face into my hands. “We got plenty of time.”

He shook his head but allowed himself to fall into my touch. “I think last night that’s all I kept thinking about. Not being with you. And I guess my body just took over.”

It made sense. If I knew my days were numbered before my freedom was taken away for eighteen months, I would have craved to do it as much as possible. I would want to make every experience count.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” he said, his eyes watering with guilt.

I stood myself up and settled on his lap. The chair was wide and fit us both, but only with my legs right above his own. “I have zero complaints about last night.”

His hands were on my back instantly.

I leaned in, claiming his lips. “Please believe me when I say you didn’t hurt me.”

“You sure?” he asked, his emotions settling.

I nodded. “I’d kick your ass if you ever did something I didn’t like,” I said half-jokingly.

It got him to at least smile a little.

“And as we’ve said before, we’re taking it slow. There’s no need to rush. Whatever happens, happens in due time,” I said gently, my hands stroking his cheeks. “We have plenty of time.”

“You’re leaving next month,” he said almost bluntly, a hint of sourness in his tone.

“Only for two months; I’ll be back by the end of January.”

He pulled me closer, taking a deep breath as if to take my essence into his scent. “Promise?”

I held up my pinky. He brought up his large hand and used his own slender pinky to wrap around my much smaller one.

He let out a giggle and scrunched up his face at seeing my tiny pinky. “Cute!” He maneuvered his thumb to press against mine, locking the promise.

Normally, I would argue against his description of me, but seeing his scrunched-up face made me act out in cute aggression myself. I took his cheeks into my hands and pinched them. “You look so good. I could eat you!”

I dived in and took his lips in mine.

At that moment, there was an odd sound that seemed to come from my stomach. Simultaneously, we both moved our heads toward the sound with a look of confusion.

My stomach churned again, and this time it was followed by an ache.

Namjoon let out a chuckle. “Sadly, it’s not enough to quench your hunger. Let’s get something in that stomach of yours.” He moved a little, tapping my thigh so I could move off.

A big part of me wanted to continue staying where we were, but now that I was aware of my hunger for food, I couldn’t ignore it.

“I could order something for us,” Namjoon offered.

“How about I just cook,” I offered. “I’ve been wanting to since you made us dinner on our first date.” I looked up at him with hopeful eyes.

“Good luck finding something in there,” he warned.

I lifted off him. “Shower first?”

He gave me a suggestive smile. “Together?” He came closer to me.

I pulled away from temptation. “We’re gonna end up in the same situation as last night if I join you and we gotta leave in a few hours,” I reminded him, keeping my eyes on his face.

“You make a good point.” He turned away and headed to his bedroom. “I could take the guest shower if you want to take mine.”

I agreed, simply because I was used to his already.

I was about to step away so I could start my shower, but Namjoon's hands on my tee made me stop. He had a look on his face as he stared down at me.

"What?" I asked, looking down to see what it was that had him looking aroused. All I saw were my bare legs.

"I like you in my clothes," he mumbled. His hands made their way under the material, his slender fingers feeling like hot coal against my skin. "Put this back on after you shower." He turned and left before I could answer.

A smile appeared on my face at the knowledge that I learned something else that Nmajoon found attractive.

We met in the kitchen not too long after, both feeling refreshed. As per Namjoon's instructions, I put his t-shirt back on.

Namjoon entered the kitchen and let out a small groan as he came behind me. He rubbed my backside as he asked what he could help with. I fought back a smile as I gave him instructions. I scrambled the eggs as he chopped the onions next to me. I could see he was dicing them, even though I had asked him to slice them. I smiled but didn’t correct him.

“What are you humming?” he asked as diced away.

I hadn’t realized I was singing the melody in my head out loud. “It’s been stuck in my head these last couple of days. Can’t seem to shake it off.” I took the eggs off the heat and stirred.

A loud clunk came from where Namjoon was. “Aghhh.”

I immediately turned and went towards him. “What happened?”

He was holding his finger as he had a look of pain on his face. “I think it’s a splinter.”

But he had been cutting onions, how in the hell did he end up with a splinter? I looked down and took notice of the knife handle. It was wood. I let out a sigh. Only Namjoon would have the bad luck of getting a splinter from a knife handle. “Can you see the splinter?”

“I think so,” he said, examining his finger. He wheezed as he seemed to push on it.

“Ok. Please, don’t do anything. Let me go get some tweezers.” I rushed out of the room, hoping he would listen.

I was back at his side in less than a minute and the look on his face told me he was more than uncomfortable. Thankfully, he had listened and hadn’t touched anything.

I maneuvered us closer to the window for better light. Using my tweezers, I was able to pull it all out in one go. “How does it feel?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Stings a little,” he said with a face. “But it feels like you got it all.”

I brought his finger to my lips and kissed it. “Now?” I asked with a smile.

He let out a chuckle. “Much better. Here I thought I was going to need a painkiller, but that cured it easily.”

“I’m your personal painkiller,” I said teasingly as I began to clean his area. “Are you still up to cutting the onion and kimchi?” I asked.

He nodded and went back to chopping with a new cutting board, knife, and onion in hand. After a while, he started humming my melody. “You’re my painkiller,” he sang.

It sent me into laughter. I turned on the stove, ready to finally start cooking. Namjoon continued to create lyrics to the melody I had come up with. It wasn’t long before I started making up lyrics alongside him. He sang off-key but kept with the beat.

We continued cooking our breakfast as we created this song together. At one point, Namjoon took out his phone and recorded us singing. The songwriter in him was always alert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hours before the concert, I found myself sitting in my dressing room for the concert. Since I was a guest and the only female, I had my own room. Hair and makeup had finished with me and had left to assist the dancers. I wasn’t fully dressed yet since my part in the concert was come late in the show.

The guys had finished soundcheck and getting ready themselves. Bored by being alone, I sent a message to the guys to see their whereabouts. Tae immediately answered.

WEIRDO: Namjoon-hyung and I are in a dressing room together. I was about to head to the green room. You can have your privacy…. 😉

ME: Thank you 😏

MONI: thanks, bro

GLOSS: Be sure to lock that door….

I made it to the dressing room in record time, knocking on the door without waiting.

The door opened and I was greeted by Taehyung and one of the makeup artists. He gave me a knowing grin. “Hi, noona. What are you doing here?”

I wanted to kick him, but the makeup artist was looking at me as well. He was lucky I was quick on my feet. “I need to discuss one of the tracks for the new album with Namjoon.”

Taehyung rose his eyebrows, looking impressed with my quick response. “Lucky for you, we’re heading out.” He and the makeup artist made their way out, Tae limping while doing so.

I suddenly remembered what occurred during rehearsal. “Tae, how are you feeling?”

“It’s a sprain. Can’t do any choreo.” Taehyung gave a sad shrug, his mouth turned downside.

I closed the distance between us and gave him a warm hug. He leaned heavily in as I rubbed his back. “I know you’re disappointed. I’m sorry, jagi.”

He gave a nod, hugged me tight once more, and pulled away. “Thank you, I’ll see you in a bit.” He and the makeup artist made their way out.

My heart squeezed as I watched my friend leave. It was going to be a tough performance for him, but he would be fine. His health had to come first.

I pushed the door closed and turned back around. There, in front of me stood a tall, gorgeous man. “You look handsome,” I said as I walked over to him.

He frowned and looked down at himself. “I’m in a t-shirt. I haven’t even started hair or makeup.”

“And?” I reached for a kiss.

He leaned the rest of the way and after our peck, he took hold of my hand and walked us to his chair.

Once he sat down, we were almost at eye level. I reached over and traced my fingers across the shaved strips on his head. “Do you think you’re going to keep the look?”

His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer. “No. It’s mostly for promotion,” he answered. “Why? Do you like it on me?”

I placed my forearms on his shoulders, steadying myself. “I like every look on you.”

“Liar.” He laughed. “You didn’t like the mullet,” he teased.

“How much alone time do we have? You’re going to have to meet up with the guys, right?” I asked, trying to sway the conversation elsewhere.

“Plenty,” he said as his large fingers traveled to my backside. He had a look in his eyes.

“Namjoon-ssi,” I warned, but my body still melted against his touch.

“I missed you at lunch.” His voice was low as he pulled me in, his lips coming to my neck.

I let out a moan. I had missed him, too. “Will you be able to spend the night?” I asked without thinking. We had already reached our weekly limit of sleepovers.

He let out a grunt. “I would love to but my parents—”

Before he could finish his sentence, there was a knock at the door.

I immediately pushed off Namjoon. Stupid me hadn’t locked the door.

“Yeah?” Namjoon called out as he straightened up in his chair.

“Jooni, it’s us,” came a deep kind voice from the other side of the door.

I knew the voice well and it only hiked my anxiety.

“Come in. The door is open.”

I put some more distance between us and took a breath to calm myself. The door opened and a good-looking older couple walked into the room, bright smiles on their faces.

I greeted them in a polite form. While I had gotten close to Namjoon’s parents in my time living here, I always acted in my best behavior around them. “Hello, eomeonim, abeonim.”

Eomeonim greeted me with a warm embrace. “Maiwa, where have you been? We haven’t seen you in so long.”

Abeonim’s embrace was a shorter one. “Is Jooni keeping you all to himself?” He turned over to Namjoon and gave his son a playful smile.

Namjoon made his way over to his parents. “Shouldn’t I get hugged first?”

Eomeonim wrapped her arms around her son. “We saw you several days ago. We haven’t seen Maiwi in months. When are you going to bring her around?”

Namjoon took a breath. “Eomma, we’ve been busy.”

“You can’t spare us two hours? We would like to have dinner with the two of you.” Eomeonim reached out for my hand and gave it a squeeze. “A celebration to your relationship. When Namjoonie told us, I was ecstatic! I’ve been rooting for the two of you—”

“Yeobo, let the girl breathe,” Abeonim said as he rubbed his wife’s shoulders, trying to calm her. “Jooni has asked for space. Let’s honor his wishes.”

I was grateful for Abeonim. I was starting to get slightly embarrassed.

“Eomma, we’re taking it slow. Plus, we’re both booked back-to-back until the Los Angeles concert. I don’t get to see her as much anymore.” Namjoon’s voice was respectful but stern. I knew he didn’t want to disregard his mother but seemed to be creating boundaries.

Eomeonim let out a breath. “Alright. I get it.” She turned to me with a sweet smile. “I miss having you over. You haven’t been around in months now.”

I felt a pinch of guilt. “My apologies. I’ll message you. I promise. It might not be until after the Los Angeles concert that we don’t get to hang out. I’ve been talking to Sissy on the phone and we’re already making plans to shop around while the guys are in LA. Want to join us?”

“Oh yes! That will be wonderful!”

With Eomeonim settled, I made some excuse of needing to leave to get ready.

I gave them each a hug before I headed out and gave Namjoon a small smile. I adored his parents, but I was feeling my nerves tipping close to the edge. I wanted to make sure the next time we spoke, I had enough time to mentally prepare myself. They had sprung at us a little too soon for my liking.

I made my way toward the green room, where the rest of the guys were. It was a good walk in the sense that it was enough time to allow me to calm myself.

The closer I got to the room; I heard the amount of noise coming from the inside. I made my way in and noticed most of the guys were there.

Yoongi was on his chair staying perfectly still, phone in hand while being handled by hair and makeup. Jin sat a few feet in a similar position. Jimin and Jungkook, on the other hand, were being loud and rowdy while their poor makeup artists tried to get them ready.

Taehyung was the one to immediately notice me, “Where’s Namjoonie?”

“With his parents,” I said simply, making my way over to a deserted seat, which was close to Jimin and Jungkook.

Behind me, I could hear Yoongi giggling.

I turned, feeling as if I knew what he was thinking about.

“What’s with the laugh?” Jin asked, sure instigating.

“Oh, I left my phone unlocked. I had some private things I wanted to keep hidden. Has that happened to you lately, Maiwa? Have you left your phone unlocked and someone walks in to find some compromising things?” Yoongi held complete eye contact with me.

“Maiwa has a tendency of never locking things, so I imagine people walking in and finding some stuff on her phone,” Jin added. He had the same sadistic humor as the old man sitting next to him.

Thankfully, it didn’t seem as if any of the staff was picking up on their Morse Code. When I knew none of the staff was looking, I sent the two oldest members of the group the finger.

As Yoongi and Jin shared a laugh, Jungkook and Jimin began to do vocal warmups. Jungkook invited me, which I did.

Their warmups differed from the ones I used but we tried each other’s techniques. It had been a while since performing on stage and I mentioned to the guys how I had started to take vocal lessons to prepare for the show.

“Did you really take vocal lessons for this?” Jimin asked me, looking surprised.

I nodded. “My voice needed work. It was a bad idea to stop the lessons in the first place.”

“But your voice is great,” Jimin said, not understanding.

I wasn’t going to deny it or pretend to be humble about it. I was proud of my vocal abilities. I struggled with many things in my career, but the one thing that came naturally was singing.

“Not as great as it is when I take vocal lessons,” I said.

“Jungkook doesn’t really take them,” Jimin said, motioning to his teammate next to him.

Jungkook turned away from us and to his phone.

It was a disagreement Jungkook and I typically had: how often to take vocal lessons. I decided to give Jimin my point of view. “I get and respect Jungkook’s opinion on why he doesn’t take too many vocal lessons. I know he wants to be as authentic as he can with his voice and create a tone and style that is completely his own. However, in my opinion, going without a vocal coach can be detrimental to your chords in the long run. Even Celine Dion, who is one of the best vocalists, takes vocal lessons regularly. I think it depends on the vocalist.”

Jungkook nodded in agreement to my last statement.

Jimin gave a short nod and looked to consider my words.

I knew Jimin struggled with his voice and wasn’t satisfied with it. He had past baggage with his voice. Those who cared about him were sensitive around him about it. I wasn’t sure if it was my place to give my opinion to so many people around us, so I kept my mouth shut. I reached over to my water and took a long gulp.

Jimin looked around at seeing me drinking. “I’m thirsty, too,” he mumbled as he spun around the room, trying to find his own bottle.

Jungkook was in the middle of sipping his own water, his lips not touching the rim of it. Wordlessly, Jungkook extended his bottle to Jimin.

Jimin took it, placed it directly on his lips, and drank the water quickly. “Thanks,” he said as he offered the bottle back to Jungkook.

But Jungkook didn’t move to retrieve it. “Did you put your mouth right on the bottle?” His face looked slightly appalled.

Jimin let out a nervous laugh, recognizing his mistake. “Sorry.”

All the guys were cautious when it came to their drinks. They hardly sipped from the rim of bottles. To them, it kept things sanitized and each other safe, just in case.

However, I never understood this practice with them. “What does it matter if you two swap spit?” I asked.

Jungkook looked at me in disbelief. “I don’t want his germs.”

“You guys share lip balms,” I pointed out. “You feed each other constantly—meaning your chopsticks touch someone else’s lips or your fingers go into someone else’s mouth.”

“That’s different,” came a voice.

We turned and found Namjoon walking over to us. His lips twitched as he looked at me. He wanted to get a rise out of me.

And like an idiot, I took his bait. “How is it different?” I challenged.

“The amount of saliva that comes out when you’re drinking out of water is substantially more than when you share lip balms,” he countered.

“It’s still spitting, is it not?” I demanded. “So if one of you is sick, whether it’s a lip balm or water, you got each other’s germs regardless.”

“But it’s also that some of that water makes it inside of your mouth and then back into the bottle. Some of that liquid has swirled all over your mouth. It would be like kissing each other,” he tried to rationalize.

“You guys share food,” I pointed out. “You put your mouth into that food to take a bite, do you not? Wouldn’t that be the same as kissing?”

“But the food doesn’t make it past the teeth because I would bite it off. It’s still not that much saliva that would be shared. Now, when it comes to liquids, some of it makes it past the teeth and deeper into the mouth.” His eyes twinkled as he said this, clearly knowing he was making a stretch.

I called him out on it. “You are so full of shit.”

The room filled with laughter.

But he refused to accept defeat. For the next few minutes, we went back and forth. Namjoon coming up with bullshit counterpoints and excuses about the whole water bottle thing. His answers became so ridiculous that I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity. He couldn’t hold it together himself either and eventually laughed at his own reasons.

The guys went back and forth between prepping for the show and goofing off. Before we knew it, it was time for the guys to head to the stage.

All seven of them, along with their team and me, made their way. Right before stepping out, the guys gathered together, did their huddle, and walked up the stage. Namjoon was the last to disperse and took a look back as he did so, catching my eyes. He sent me a blink-and-you-will-miss-it wink and hurried out.

How did that man make me into a puddle of mush when no more than an hour ago, I wanted to wring his neck?

I watched them backstage, admiring how great they performed but at the same time anxious for my time to join them.

My tia Jia sent me several messages of encouragement. And on the few times that I felt myself starting to psych myself out, I would reread them. I had been on stage more times than I could remember, but I could never get rid of the butterflies right before I went on. And the closer I got to perform, the sicker I felt.

A warm hand pressed on my side. Eomeonim appeared next to me, a smile on her face that was striking to Namjoon’s—minus the dimples. My anxiety stilled a little. “All of you singers are the same. Always so nervous right before going on stage.”

I gave her a nod. “Yeah.”

“There’s no point in telling you that everything is going to be alright. It doesn’t help does it?”

“Sometimes,” I lied, not wanting to hurt her feelings.

She gave me a look that told me she didn’t believe me. I instantly felt a heat on my cheeks. I had never felt so uneasy around Namjoon’s mother. But things were different now. However, her warm smile came back. The one that always put me at ease. “I meant it when I said I’m happy about the two of you. You’re a great friend to him. He’s always in such good spirits when he talks about you. He says you understand him in ways he can’t understand himself.” A brightness came to her eyes and I was certain there was a tear in there.

It made me worry. “Eomeonim, what’s wrong?”

“He’s been having a rough time. And he won’t tell me why.” She gave me a look that silently asked me a question.

I looked down, not able to answer her. It wasn’t my place to tell her about Namjoon’s stress. I wasn't sure what he had shared with her. I made a mental note to talk to him about this. I didn't want to accidentally spill something he didn't want his mother to know. They had a good and trusting relationship, but I knew Namjoon at times kept some things from his parents until he was ready to share. He liked to think things through first.

Eomeonim accepted my silence. “Can you be sure to look after him? I know you already are, but can you take extra care of him?”

I nodded. “Of course.”

“Thank you,” she said softly, clutching my hand.

“Maya-ssi?” someone called out to me.

I turned and found a staff member looking at me. “You’re almost up.”

Eomeonim and I shared a hug and I made my way out to the stage.

Even though it was an online concert, the fact that millions of people were watching still made me nervous.

I got into position, waiting for my cue. As soon as I was given it, all my nerves left me on that stage.

---------

MASTERLIST

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

#rm x reader #inthemiddleofthenight #bts fanfic #bts #bangtan sonyeondan #friends to lovers #secret relationship #fluff #rm #kim namjoon #fluff and smut #namjoon x reader #rm x maya #Spotify

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