#especially the 4th one I fucking hated the 4th one it doesn’t exist in my mind.

[tiredemzz]

S4! FIONA C. AT SOME CHILDRENS BDAY BE LIKE <3

a/n: so how’s yall doing?.. I’m tired af cus I’m not a morning person lmao.

disclaimer: this is basically a rewrite of that tua s4 episode with the children birthday party with lila and diego but my oc is in this season! there will be oc x cannon involved since im shipping five x flame- not five x lila b/c it doesn’t exist on my acc. if you don’t like oc x cannon, then this acc isn’t for you sadly. also i will be adding the deleted scene with five and klaus b/c idk why they didn’t add that scene.. like why? also five & fiora r in there 20s cus its s4 & five isn’t apart of the cia b/c my boi needs a break. also dave is alive b/c klaus needs his bf <3

warnings: fiora breaking the 4th wall, gets a little spicy between five & fiora but they get c0ckblocked by klaus & dave lmao, fluff (ofc), fiora hanging with kids (she can’t stand them sadly but doesn’t mind them.), cussing (ofc), mentioning of fish head (aj aka her adopted father)

a/n: this is my first time writing for these characters, so my bad if they seem ooc. Especially five lmao. (my boy was written worse- fuck you steve.)

We see Fiona herself, smoking a cigarette outside of the birthday party place. She sighed softly in relief, taking a few puffs after a long day of singing in clubs, bars for men/women alike because the girl herself thinks that everybody deserves love in there time.

Except bad people, she really hated bad people and her adopted father, who basically forced her to do evil things and run errands for him but since he’s dead.. Fiona felt relieved and a bit of guilt flowing in her body due to her and adopted father’s relationship with each other but she chose to ignore it, putting out her cigarette and heading back inside to see Grace running towards her with her arms out, hugging Fiona’s waist, making her a bit shook but she looks down at Grace and saids “hey sweetheart, how is my favorite niece doing?” Grace looks up at Fiona and saids “I’m good Auntie Flame! Have you talked with Uncle Five yet?” Grace asks while Fiona blushed a bit by Grace mentioning Five towards her, it’s been a while since those two have talked really- Fiona heard that Five is taking a break to himself but she shrugged and said “I have not sadly. Been busy with my singing and doing alot of painting- so I haven’t really talked with anyone in a while.” Grace pouted a bit and asked “why Auntie?” Fiona sighed softly and said “ever since everything has gone back for normal, I been going to therapy to talk about the past and who I really am inside. Except I still have my powers because I want to have them forever, I don’t want them to go away. I enjoy having them. Been taking time for myself to focus on my mental health and yeah.” Fiona smiled softly at Grace while Grace understood Fiona and smiled back at her.

“Now your Auntie Flame is gonna have fun, okay?” Fiona said, going down on one knee and kissed Grace on the forehead, making Grace giggle and said “ok but make sure you join me in the ball pit later, ok?” Grace asks her while Fiona laughed a bit and saids “alright alright, I promise I will but right now.. let me go have fun. Bye bubbles.” Grace giggles, waving at Fiona and going to have fun. Leaving a smiling Fiona on one knee and slowly getting up, standing on her feet.

Fiona began to walk around the place, seeing parents having fun with there children and slowly not smiling anymore since she never found her real parents but she decided not to give two fucks about it.

She noticed the bubbles, making her smile and popping one. While she popped one bubble, she felt someone watching her from afar and she noticed that a smiling Five was watching her while holding beer in his hand, making Fiona walk slowly towards him while smiling a bit and said “Five Hargreeves, my long time frenemy and the man who killed the fish head aka my adopted father. How are you old man?” Five deep chuckled a bit and said “Fiona aka the demon gal who hated me cus I killed her horrible adopted father and had to do it for my family. I’m doing well Flame, how about you?” Five said with a bit of a sarcastic tone in his voice and taking a few sips of his beer.

“Well, I been doing great. You mind giving me beer?” Fiona said with a bit of a soft tone in her voice, Five hummed a bit, giving her a beer bottle as well.

“Thanks Romeo, appreciate it.” Fiona said while smiling softly, opening the beer bottle, taking a few sips of it and just smiling softly at the children running around the place while Five smiled softly, just staring at her and asked “you thinking about something?” Fiona sighed a bit, looking at Five and answered this “yeah, just watching the children run around the place like they own it- reminds me of myself as a child. Good times good times really.” Five hummed softly at her answer and decided to hold out his hand, he asked “you uh wanna hold my hand love?” Fiona nodded yes and began to hold his hand while taking that hand back and deciding to grab on his tie with a bit of a smirk and asked “so you uh got any plans pretty boy? I’m loving the new look of the new you. Suits your pretty self.” Five smiled a bit, looking down at Flame and said “no, I don’t have any plans really.. didn’t expect you to be confident. Why’s that?” Fiona let go of his tie, answered with “I been using my charm- I call it the demon flirt charm. It’s uh something but eh. I don’t really like to be confident in myself.”

Five sighed softly, wrapping an arm around Flame’s shoulders and said “Listen to me sweetheart, you always feel confident in yourself. Be proud of that, be proud in your heart that you can still do the things that you love. You still kick ass Flame, still do and you can’t forgot that on how many times you managed to beat me at arm wrestling.. and sometimes Smash Bros when we were back in season two.” Flame started to laugh softly, feeling happy and said “yeah, those were good times- I mostly blame my author sometimes for stupid shit.” Five chuckled a bit at the last part on what Flame said. Suddenly Klaus, alongside his boyfriend Dave started to walk towards Five and Fiona.. Klaus said “Fiona! Five!” Fiona started to run towards Klaus, giving him a hug while smiling softly, still holding her beer while looking up at him and said “Klaus! I missed you buddy. How are ya? Also who’s the boy next to you?” Klaus chuckled softly, messing with Fiona’s hair a little bit and said “Fiona, homie- this is my boyfriend Dave. Dave, this is my homie Fiona.” Fiona waved softly at Dave while Dave waved back at her and said “It’s nice to meet you Fiona, heard so much stuff about you. Coming from Klaus ofc.” Fiona laughed a bit and started to stand next to Five while smiling softly.

Five started to ask “So, how long have you been sober Klaus?” Klaus responded with “Oh, uh, coming up on three years on January 15th, but who’s counting right?” Five said “that’s amazing” while Fiona gave Klaus a thumbs up, she was proud of her bestie becoming sober for three years and Fiona said “Really, good for you buddy. Proud of ya.” Klaus smiled softly at the two and said “thanks guys, really appreciate it.” Dave started to have an arm around Klaus while feeling proud of his boyfriend while Klaus, Five and Fiona did a toast with there beer bottles.

Feeling proud of themselfs for surviving.

Flame started to check her watch, sighing softly and said “I was supposed to join Grace at the ball pit- fuck. Gonna need somebody to go with me.” Five decided to go with her while the two waved goodbye at Klaus and Dave.

While the two were walking, Five said “I don’t really have a choice on joining, do I?” Flame said “nope, you don’t. You’re her uncle ofc.” As soon as they got to the ball pit, Five pushed Flame into it, laughing a bit at Flame while Flame got a little annoyed at him but soon she saw Grace, Grace was giggling and laughing at the duo while Flame rolled her eyes playfully. Soon enough, Five got in as well- he didn’t like it but eh. You win some, you lose some.

•

•

•

a/n: well- how’s that yall? good? good. hope yall enjoyed this little oneshot/drabble of s4 flame and everybody else. Yes- I added Dave b/c he and Klaus were fucking cute! Anyway, hope I wrote Five better then *cough* Steve *cough* did. I do appreciate freedback- so if you got any freedback on this.. let me know!

anyway, have a great rest of your weekend, day, night or wherever you live. Stay safe and take care of yourself ^v^

-author anon !

disclaimer, you are not allowed to copy and paste my work on to wattpad, a03 or deviantart or tumblr. that’s stealing and plagiarizing. And I will not allow that. >:(

[whoiwanttoday]

Well guys, this is a post that has been brewing since I was 13 it turns out. Squeeze has announced some tour and for some reason Google and YouTube both really thought I needed to know about this. I mean, I say some reason, it's not entirely unheard of, I remember once responding over the loudspeaker at tower records to someone with, "I said please, my favorite band is Squeeze, I have all of their CDs except for Babylon and On". Not that they were actually my favorite band but you never want to pass up a decent rhyme scheme and a good obscure reference. But the tour is in the UK and while I do quite like Squeeze I can't imagine flying to England just to see them. Not now. Maybe in 1984. Hate to be too judgy but I do think nostalgia is the enemy of all art and as anti Rock n Roll as things get. So allow me to wax nostalgic here. I discovered Squeeze (not like discovered discovered but you know what Europe, turn about is fair play. I discovered your fucking band, deal with it) when I was 13 because the song Pulling Muscles (from the Shell) was a mainstay on radio and no one knew who they were. So I decided to figure it out and I bought Squeezes greatest hits. Greatest Hits are also anti Rock n Roll, it's why the Eagles greatest hits is like the 4th best selling album of all time. This was a good entry point though for an amazing bit of pop song craft that was almost unknown in the US, again on the account that no one had discovered them until I did. It did lead to me owning all of their records to this day (except for Babylon and On). Anyway, this is a long way of getting to the fact that Up the Junction was my favorite Squeeze song because it's absolutely heartbreaking. It's the story of a poor guy trying to rise above his station with a higher class woman and it all falls apart eventually. He stays poor, she moves on with his kid, he is drunk and alone and miserable. I was a depressed child and always gravitated to this kind of thing, especially for real adult problems with the thought of, "That's the life I want one day". Romantic misery. It is fucking stupid beyond belief but when you are depressed and your life sucks sometimes you just crave the visual signifiers that other people can see so they get it. No one has sympathy for, "I am sad because my brain doesn't work". Suck it up Buttercup, there are real problems out there. But man, if you can get one of those real problems? Like an actual cinematic one with what you assume to be some cool British slang about Junctions? Oh, that's the stuff, everyone will get it then. I mean, they don't, they won't, but it's part of the fantasy of misery porn. Anyway, the song describes a world that might as well have been the fucking moon to an American Teenager 20 years after the song was written but I latched onto it and it starts by saying, "I never thought it would happen/With me and a girl from Clapham". I didn't know what Clapham is and to my knowledge I have never met a girl from Clapham (I can't be sure, I have met many a woman from England but I always forget to ask) so I am way behind on my plan to meet, impregnate, fall apart, lose my job, lose my family, turn into a drunk and disappoint her. Look, it maybe was never my best thought out plan as a kid but I was always confident I could grow up to disappoint a woman, so I knew I could stick the landing. Anyway, that's a long way of saying I went to see what the fuck Up the Junction meant and that lead me to the wikipedia article about Clapham Junction and notable people from Clapham and guys, Holly Willoughby is from Clapham. Does this explain why I have always been attracted to her? Maybe. I mean, I haven't always been attracted to her. I didn't even discover her until like 2012 or something. Weird pictures of her exist from before then given she was undiscovered. Anyway, my point is this is the sort of convoluted experience that deamnds two things. One, a long post that exactly two people will read, the rest of you stopped after the first line. And two, that I post Holly Willoughby specifically. Today I want to fuck Holly Willoughby.

[diversityvin]

I need to bingewatch the scream movies again or I will die right now.

[bratz-kitten]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS PT. 7

gemini and pisces placements are similar in the sense that geminis are able to see things from all perspectives, while pisces are able to empathise with people who have all sorts of different perspectives. pisces placements... be careful with over-empathising with the people who hurt you to the point where you’re understanding why they did it and you start excusing their actions. gemini placements... be careful with seeking the multi-layers and million different perspectives in everything and everyone to the point where you’re driving your own mind insane and you don’t know what your opinion is anymore because you hyper-analyse so much. too much of a good ability becomes a curse.

people with venus-mars aspects have a talent for making people who hate them fall in love with them 💋

moon in the 11th house natives tend to attract friends who get into scandals. moon in the 10th house natives tend to be the ones who get into said scandals. it’s a PERFECT FRIENDSHIP

capricorn placements have a talent for knowing how to make things last. they want to prolong the enjoyment they get out of something for as long as possible, which is why their hobbies, friendships and relationships tend to last a lifetime... hedonistic sluts

since both the 7th house and the 11th house rule fandoms, celebrities with a 7th house or 11th house neptune can attract fans who view them as angels who can’t do nothing wrong — because of this, those celebrities rarely take accountability for their mistakes, since people keep pushing the “but they’re perfect :(“ light on them

pluto conjunct ascendant natives always come off as very serious during first impressions, no matter how approachable and inviting they strive to appear.

sun and moon in the 10th house people may feel as if they’re always exposed to the public eye, they can’t get away with keeping things secretive. others always notice whatever they want kept on the low. this can be especially frustrating if they notice that others aren’t exposed to the same kind of scrutiny that they are for simply existing

lilith in pisces bitches have a natural talent for appearing like angels even in situations where they are 100% guilty. it’s very easy for them to put on their vulnerable, lost puppy act lmfao, which triggers others’ protective instincts. they may be able to cry on cue when people call them out on their bullshit, making them feel like THEY’re the shitty ones for confronting the lilith native... it’s insane

lilith in the 12th house natives may feel as though the themes of lilith are trapped in their psyche, at the core of who they are and those themes become unavoidable for them — they’re always there, lurking in the shadows, becoming the center of their nightmares

people with mercury in the 1st house can feel veryyy threatened and defensive when someone possesses knowledge in an area that they don’t, it’s like it hits them right on their biggest fears. they often either try to “one-up” the other person in an attempt to heal their broken ego or shut down altogether in insecurity. it’s imperative that they work on developing a strong sense of self-worth because they can be extremely prone to comparing their mental skills to those of other people.

people with personal planets in the 12th house may feel as though a lot of their artistic drive is stifled by their lack of energy. like... in the mental realm there’s a lot going on and it’s incredible, but then you pick up a pen to actualize your visions and you feel exhaustion immediately overtaking you. it can feel like there’s a lot to your psyche that feels inaccessible to you not because you don’t want to explore it, but because you have yet to restore the energy to dive deep into it. this can be especially noticeable if there’s absolutely no 5th house energy in the chart

people with jupiter in an earth sign love being surrounded by greeneries in their home; they may take a lot of enjoyment out of taking care of plants, gardening, cooking and stuff of the sort. it makes them feel more grounded, independent, and even healed. they also LOVE scents that connect them to nature like the scent of grass and the ocean.

air mercuries can be very beware of strangers, they can feel offended when their friends make them socialize with someone they don’t know and it can take a hot while before they trust the person enough to lower their defences a bit. they need to know it’s safe before expressing their usual sexy eccentric selves in front of someone new. on the other hand, aries placements can also hate being introduced to new people through their friends but it’s mostly because they’re very territorial over them, and can’t stand the thought that this new person can hurt their friendship in any possible way

meanwhile, it’s probably an earth or leo/sagittarius mercury introducing new friends to the group. they’re so fucking good with people and it shows in how they make people feel welcomed so easily, it’s like they “take” the person in and adopt them into the group. they can’t stand seeing someone being treated like an outcast because they know how it sucks to feel rejected, so they’ll try their best to make you feel included

while on the subject of people who hate seeing others be treated like an outcast because they know how it feels like to be rejected: SCORPIO RISINGS. bro. people underestimate how chill they can actually be. if they see you being left out, they’ll approach you with no fucks given and do anything in their power to make you feel comfortable. they do so well in group settings.

and while on the subject of scorpio risings... i have a scorpio rising friend and he goes thru it on the daily. he often complains that people are always suspicious of him and that they seem repulsed by him, strangers on the street will stay tf away from him. and it’s so heartbreaking because his personality is so friendly and welcoming and it doesn’t at all match his intimidating appearance. scorpio risings have this energy that not many people can handle, others feel either really drawn to them or downright scared of them because of the “danger” element they seem to carry in them

i know two people who are both scorpio suns and libra moons and they look the exact same, even though they have different risings. brown, deep-set eyes, coarse dark hair, naturally tanner skin tone — and they have the same style as well, using lots of band t-shirts and dark clothing. scorpio energy is always so noticeable wherever it is i swear, it’s like it takes over the rest of the chart

gemini moons are what yall claim gemini venuses to be. like, seriously... have you ever met someone with a gemini venus? they don’t need constant stimulation or else they’ll get bored and cheat. not in the slightest; actually, they’re often incredibly loyal and crave longterm, committed relationships. if anything, they need stimulation outside of their relationship in the form of a good, exciting career and hobbies so that they don’t get too addicted to their partner and to constantly analysing every aspect of their relationship. gemini moons however, tend to have multiple partners throughout life and they often feat deep commitment. they can be huge players imo, IT’S THEM YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT!

sagittarius placements are so... tactile? like, they love to touch things. when they go to stores and stuff, they’ll start holding everything that catches their attention— it’s like they can only decide if they want to buy something after thouroughly exploring how it feels, the texture and the energy that the object gives them through touch. and they talk so much with their hands. it makes me so anxious like bitch you aren’t selena gomez, i promise you that you CAN keep your hands to yourself

taurus placements are so weird to me, i can’t understand them. it’s like they’re afraid of exploring their own depths, which in turn makes me unable to explore them. okay, how do i put this... it’s like they have this preset idea of who they are and after deciding so, they’re unwilling to let go of it. “i’m the stable friend who’s here for everyone even when i can barely take care of my own self” and then that’s who they are: the people who are a steady rock in the lives of others, taking care of everyone. and then they refuse to change even after getting hurt. and then, it’s like... well, you can’t just be that. you are a human who contains multitudes, but i don’t think you give yourself enough credit on how layered you are. that fear of changeability, that need to be the one stable thing in a world full of unpredictability will only damage you in the end, because you won’t get to fully experience life’s greatest pleasure: knowing yourself. becoming your own best friend, exploring every layer that there is to your being. i think you deny yourself of that experience because you fear that, with self-learning comes self-growth which leads to transformation. and you fear transformation because you don’t want to change for the worst. but like... transformation is necessary and with that comes adaptability + flexibility, which are things you could greatly benefit from.

scorpio venuses can be so pessimistic— and when they’re in a dark mindset, it’s so difficult to pull them out of it. it’s so difficult to get them to see the good in difficult situations, and to help them believe that it gets better. but even if you don’t believe me, i’ll keep telling you; it does get better. you’ll get through this.

jupiter in the 4th house is an indicator of food having been an amazing part of your childhood; there might’ve been a lot of feasts and you could’ve had a parent who loved to cook. being well fed might be a huge concern for you now; you might get sick easily when you’re eating fast food and non-traditional plates.

mercury square uranus is an extremely difficult aspect to have because, in your earlier years, you might’ve felt dumb or like there was something wrong with your intelligence because you might’ve found school difficult due to it’s structured nature that didn’t fit with the way you like to learn things— you need to learn in an interactive way that piques your interest. your anxiety and any traumatic experienced that you faced could’ve heavily impacted your school performance. you might’ve had an ease with learning but then, when it came to doing the written tests, you couldn’t perform to the best of your abilities. either way, school might’ve been a source of a lot of stress and difficulty.

mercury square pluto can have some weird manifestation where, like... you suspect things but you always suspect the wrong things. i’ve met a few people with this aspect and all of them were extremely suspicious of the most random things who were literally normal and innocent. this aspect can cause a lot of chaos to one’s interpersonal relationships because you might find yourself suspecting your loved ones in the weirdest circumstances due to your trust issues, which in return causes them to lose trust in you + the want to confide in you because you keep questioning everything they’re up to WHEN THEY’RE NOT UP TO ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. probably the most frustrating thing that can happen with this aspect is when you always suspect what you shouldn’t, but then, when sketchy things are actually happening that should be questioned, you don’t bat an eye to it. omfg it drives me insane

moon conjunct the ascendant can make someone have a very delicate appearance that gives others the impression that they need to handle you like fine china or else you might break. my mother has this at a very tight orb and whenever i bring people over, their first impression of her is always “she looks so frail”. the native might be extremely sensitive to every minor inconvenience which brings a lot of frustration to them, a feeling that they can’t control their reactions and inner turmoil. it can also suck when you don’t want to be depicted as the victim but then that’s the way everyone perceives you. the native might have very expressive and shiny eyes, and they can cry easily. it’s very difficult for them to hide their emotions.

your jupiter sign can signify where you feel an overflow of energy. jupiter in cancer may feel like you have an overflow of nurturing and protective energy towards your loved ones, with a lot of intuition and need for introspection. jupiter in leo can make you feel like you a talent for self-expression and dealing with others, being overly dramatic and prideful at times, and with a huge drive to have fun. jupiter in virgo can feel an overflow of perceptive qualities, with a huge amount of self-awareness and also awareness of your surroundings, ability to constantly analyse and a constant strive for perfection (which btw is impossible since perfection is unattainable and you’re a human being who makes mistakes and that’s completely fine. stop finding flaws where there aren’t none).

[corpsentry]

january: an art retrospective

i did some stuff last month (but it’s a lot of stuff and there’s a photodump + some Serious Fucking Reflection, so it’s all below the cut)

so ok, let’s start with this. here are some heads. each head has a red arrow. that red arrow is what i call the red line of the devil. it’s the slope of the face from the side of the eye to the cheekbone and then down towards the chin. up until like 2 weeks ago, i couldn’t draw it. i couldn’t fucking draw it. i would edit over that part of the face over and over again until i was frustrated and tired and i had a raging homosexual headache and it still never looked right. notice that each head is different. notice that each head looks wrong.

at the start of 2021 i finally admitted to myself, as per the image above, that i was deeply, deeply unhappy with my art. what was the problem? i dunno. but i decided i was going to fix it and i was going to do so via another one scribble a day event wherein for every day of january i would find a photo of a human head, and i would draw it.

january 1st, 2021. i was embarrassed to tweet this even on my private account where like 5 friends and a rock would see it. in retrospect, you can also see all of my bad habits emerging like dicks from a hole in the ground. it’s disproportionate. the brows look flat. the eyes are slanting upwards. the entire drawing looks flat, like this isn’t a 3d person but a caricature of one.

january 2nd, 3rd, 4th:

on the 2nd i decided to start a separate thread for doodles and applied learning. here’s the first set of tests

the rest of the week is kind of uneventful so we’re going to skip those. fast forward to january 11th

this one is especially bad. i am acutely aware, suddenly, that i am not changing anything at all. i’m stressed and miserable about it because i’m still trying to see people as people and trying to draw people that look attractive and proportionate and hot. my friend, leny, reminds me that i need to think about faces in terms of planes. i have a moment. my other friend masha sends me some links to anatomy tutorials. i have another moment.

january 11th. applied sketch

january 13th is when i start the troubleshooting process. the link above drives me mad because i’m pretty happy with the face but then i realize that there’s something very fucking wrong with the shape of the head LOL and then i realize that i’ve never had any idea what the proportion of the face to the rest of the skull is so i grit my teeth and i open a new canvas and i

bald studies. it seemed like the right thing to do. can’t draw heads? ok draw some heads. look at some photographs. i traced each photo but tried to stick to straight lines so that i could replicate the shapes more easily. i broke each face down into shapes. i thought about airplanes

i got really excited. i started doing studies, then applied studies, then stylized studies.

sketches. i’m not sure what’s going on (as always) and it’s very rough, but they look different from the sketches i did on january 2nd. that’s a start

january 16th’s daily study. looks more like a person now. juuuuuust a bit

more applied studies

on the 18th i take a break and go stare at some lips because i don’t understand how the fuck they work. again, i focus on shapes, on volume, on the fact that these things exist in 3d. holy fuck lips exist in 3d. holy fuck we are real

january 19th. i’m working on it.

january 22nd. some sketches + a daily study. it has finally occurred to me that heads can tilt up and down and that things look different accordingly. yes i was not aware of this before. yes i have been drawing for over a decade.

january 23rd. by this point after doing my daily sketch i almost always go back and do an applied study which is basically to say i drew a lot of fucking links. this one looks kind of okay. i’m kind of proud

january 25th. links. trying to make sense of everything i’ve learned

26th, 27th, 28th. daily studies

january 1st. january 31st

The End Of The Photo Dump (dab)

ok NOW i get to talk about what i discovered while studying the shit out of human beings

FIRST OF ALL, there is something precious and magical about drawing shit without the explicit knowledge that you’re going to tweet that shit out to 45 people later. it takes the burden of perception off your shoulders and that does something to you, or at least that’s my theory. i told myself i wouldn’t post any of this stuff until the end of the month (if i wanted to post it at all) and kept everything off my public social media accounts and that meant i could draw ugly as hell without worrying about who would point and laugh, which i absolutely fucking did. a lot of these are fucking trainwrecks. most of these are fucking trainwrecks. why do they look like that?? why??? this doesn’t look like the work of someone who’s allegedly been drawing since they were in kindergarten, does it?????

here’s why: because that person took a huge motherfucking swing at everything they’d ever known about art and spent a month building something new in its place. the abstract explanation is that i grew up on shoujo and weird old anime and my understanding of anatomy was unironically kamichama karin and while i love kamichama karin, when kamichama karin is your rule even if you try to break it, you’re going to end up going nowhere. “you have to know the rules to break them”, yeah? well i didn’t know shit. the abstract explanation is i’ve been miserable about my art for a few years now because i saw other people doing things effortlessly which i couldn’t and instead of going back to the basics, i tried to do what they did (not plagiarism, mind you, i mean i literally tried to copy the red line of the devil i mentioned above because i couldn’t even make that happen) and then i fucking failed.

the simple explanation is this. i had to unlearn everything, and relearn it again (like some kind of new renaissance clown, what the fuck is this?)

take this for example. all my life i’ve drawn faces in the order: eyes, nose, mouth, face shape, head. this works for some people, im aware, but it was something central to how i had always drawn, so i decentralized it. i said fuck you to the old me and changed the order up. now i start with the nose, then the eyes, mouth, the chin line, and the sides of the face. now i force myself to think about the human head as a series of parts interacting with each other instead of a bunch of disparate features which i want to look pretty.

or let’s use this zelda from last year. something about this looked wrong last october, the way something about all of my drawings looked wrong, but i couldn’t pinpoint it for hell the way i couldn’t articulate Any of my feelings about the visual arts. now, looking back, here’s what i see. that nose is sticking out far too much given how she’s not really facing very far away from the camera. that ear at the back shouldn’t be there. her forehead is too big. she doesn’t have a forehead. what the fuck is up with the shape of her head?

so apparently reject modernity embrace tradition has its roots in alt-right terminology and i’m not very horny for the alt-right (you understand), but the spirit survives here. you know sometimes you have to admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and draw people for 31 days. i’ve spent my whole life drawing stylized people and while again there are artists who have no issue with this, i veered off the track of the Good and the Holy and couldn’t get back on. i had no point of reference because i’d never thought about what an actual human being looks like, so i had no way to fix what i knew in my gut looked wrong but wouldn’t come out better.

this was hard. this was like oikawa tooru swallowing his worthless pride and admitting that ushijima wakatoshi had gotten the best of him for the last time in his high school career, but in haikyuu!! by furudate haruichi oikawa tooru fucks off to argentina and then joins the argentinean national team, and you know what, i think i’ve made it to argentina (not the team just the country). as per the golden rule of dont fucking move until you’re at least two thirds of the way through the month, i only started trying to draw Shit shit on like the 22nd or something, but i was happy with that i created. i am happy with what i’ve done. i’ve posted like 2 things this month that involve people with what i now call ~applied Knowledge~~ and they’re, like, not perfect obviously (perfection is an unattainable ideal), but i’m fucking proud of them. i didn’t spend 5 hours hunched over my laptop adjusting the red line of the devil because it’s not a devil’s line anymore. because i finally sorta get how people work. because i sat down and i said ‘we are not going to fuck with this misery shit anymore’ and then i did that. it’s just a line now.

here are 2 collages tracking my painstakingly carved out progress from january 2nd to february 2nd because i’m a slut for collages

and here’s what i’ve done to my art! the same person drew these but also Not Really! you know! for the first time in a year i don’t immediately hate what i’ve drawn. you know what guys? art is fucking fun. zelda’s forehead doesn’t scare me anymore because i know how foreheads fucking work now, and i don’t know everything, and i’m going to keep troubleshooting stuff as i go (i want to draw a skeleton. like a. i want to draw a goddamn skeleton guys) but i’m honestly and genuinely proud of what i’ve done in the span of a month, and i’m also in disbelief. i started this month-long challenge out as a last ditch effort to make peace with my art because i’ve been tired for a long time and i was ready to kick the bucket on drawing people altogether. i didn’t think anything would happen. nothing’s happened for years. i’ve been miserable for years.

this was the caption for january 1st, 2021. i was super, super fucking embarrassed and it looks like super fucking shit, but you know what, i think i did in fact triumph over the bullshit. surprisingly enough, when you put in consistent effort into something, You Will See Results. didn’t see that coming, did you? i know i didn’t.

this isn’t a success story. it’s a happiness story. i never gave a shit damn about the institute of art or whatever, i was just mad at myself because what i saw in my head didn’t match up with what was on the canvas. and now it’s getting better. now i’m calibrating the compass. now drawing not just backgrounds but also people is exciting to me, and i can stick my links in your face and tell you ‘they hot’. i’m going to keep doing that. i’m going to keep going until i drop off the side of the earth and then spiral towards mars like some kind of fairy, and then i’m going to create something beautiful.

thanks for reading. here’s a pr department link for sticking around until the end

[jonahlovescoffee]

Hi! I hope you are well : ) So, I was trying to think of an idea and then I saw the title on your blog - loving can hurt sometimes- and that kind of gave me an idea...Maybe one of the wdw boys is in a relationship with the reader, y/n, and they hit a rough patch and things are kind of hanging on a thread. Neither of them know whether it's going to work out. Hope this inspires you! I'll send some more if I can think of something.

Grey | J.M.

a/n: @randomlimelightxxx thanks so much for sending in an ask <33333 and I’m sorry for replying to it this late :( i love love love your idea!!! but i hope u don’t mind if i make it a little sadder (◐‿◑) whoops. 

(ps: this turned out worse than i hoped but i do hope you like it)

summary: a happy ending isn’t always guaranteed, even when you love someone with every fibre of your being, because life isn’t a fairytale.

warnings: angst

word count: 2517

“i can’t believe i let you go.”

Jonah doesn’t know for sure how long he has been staring at the framed photograph that has been hanging on the living room wall for as long as he can remember. It was taken during one of the few 4th of July celebrations that you both had celebrated together. In the picture, your smile was brighter than ever, even brighter than the fireworks that were bursting through the dark night behind you, fiery blooms amongst the stars. He had an arm around your shoulders, his green orbs looking at you lovingly as you took the selfie.

Both of you seemed so happy back then—something you both hadn’t felt in a long time, even before your dramatic fallout. You were going strong, weren’t you? Both of you used to be the poster children of the perfect couple — you had each other backs and lifted each other up when the going got tough, which led you to believe that nothing could ever come between the two of you.

But life did. When his career started to blow up, your relationship with him did too.

Every time he closes his eyes; the vivid memory of the horrible night months ago starts to play before him like a movie.

#

“Jonah Marais Roth Frantzich, have you been drinking again?” You tore your eyes away from the TV and directed it towards him instead when you heard the sound of the door opening then closing, followed by the rattling of keys as he threw it into the small box beside the door. The stench of alcohol filled your apartment almost immediately, indicating that he had a heavy intake of whatever alcoholic drink he consumed at the party.

He didn’t answer, or even bat an eye at you as he made his way into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Your lips pressed into a thin line as your blood boiled upon being ignored by him. You glanced at the clock. It was nearly 3am. This was the latest he had ever been home after attending a party, which was something he had been doing almost every day lately.

You hated his new habit of getting absolutely wrecked after every party, and he knew that too. He also knew that you hated him getting too friendly with the alluring LA models that were up to no good, as much as you hated him spending most of his time on his job, resulting with him neglecting you far too often for your liking, until you guys were basically nothing more than strangers living under the same roof.

He knew many things, but he never cared, because those were the requirements of his job — to constantly socialize and make music — so he thought that you’ll understand but from the look of the annoyed scowl on your face, that didn’t seem to be the case tonight.

“Jonah, answer me,” you ordered sternly from where you sat on the couch in the living room.

He didn’t know whether if it’s the fault of the alcohol that was coursing through his veins or the fact that both of you hadn’t really talked in days (maybe months) had started to drive him over the edge, but he found your displeasure oddly infuriating, although he knew you were merely looking out for him.

You are his girlfriend, not his fucking mother. 

“Yes, not that it’s any of your business,” he seethed and you seemed taken aback by his reply. At least that’ll shut you up for now.

He placed the cup into the sink with a greater force than he intended before leaving the kitchen to head towards the master bedroom, trying his best to ignore your accusing glare that was still boring into his back and hold back the rest of the harsh words that was threatening to spill out of his mouth.

He knew he was drunk and he didn’t want to say anything that he would regret later in the morning so staying silent was currently the best option. Everything would return to normal the next day once you forgot about this, like you always had for the past few weeks. The tension would be gone and you both would return to playing the role of a lovey-dovey couple that, unbeknownst to others, barely talked in what felt like forever.

But you had other plans. You weren’t letting this matter go this easily. This had been going on for too long. You had enough of his immature behaviour that was gradually driving a wedge between the two of you. You wanted -- no, needed -- this to stop right now, for his own good and yours.

You wanted the old Jonah back -- the Jonah who’d walk to the ends of the world for you, who’d join you in bed at night to ask about your day and who’d put you as his first priority. You walked briskly towards him and captured his wrist in your hand.

“I’m your girlfriend, Jonah, and I have the right to hold you accountable for your dumb actions,” you purposely emphasized on the three words that you knew would get on his nerves. You wanted him to talk, to explain why he was suddenly so obsessed with getting drunk. Was he stressed? Was something bothering him? 

Once again, you received no answer from him.

“Drinking is bad for your health, Jonah,” you softened your tone, just by a little. “And you barely get enough sleep recently, it’s--”

“Just shut up for once, can you?” He jerked your hand away. “Always ‘Jonah don’t do this’, ‘Jonah don’t do that’ like I am some kind of dumb baby that needs help. Just so you know, I’m a grown man who is perfectly capable of making my own decisions, mind you.”

This was the first time Jonah had ever raised his voice at you. You tried not to let his words get to you, you tried to convince yourself that it was the alcohol talking for him but tears ended up welling up in your eyes anyways. You held them back as you continued to speak. 

“I was just trying to advise—”

“I said shut the fuck up! Even if I do need help, I won’t be asking it from the likes of you!” Before you could react, the glass vase that was once placed beside the TV went flying against the wall behind you, shattering into a million pieces.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Jonah?” You cried out, your hands fisting the front material of his shirt. “What the heck was that for?”

“Get off me, you psycho!” he pried your hands off him and pushed you away forcefully, making you stumble backwards and fall to the ground due to your loss of footing.

Tears were streaming down your cheeks uncontrollably now. “You’ve changed. The old Jonah will never do this to me,” you stood up, wiping off your tears with the back of your hand.

“Maybe it’s because you don’t know me well enough.”

“You know what?” You were jabbing your finger on his chest. “If this is the real you, maybe I shouldn’t have dated you in the first place,” you shouted at him.

“Fine, don’t date me then! Maybe I finally can live a lot more freely without your constant nagging!”

Your breathing stopped for a moment and you swore his did too. Silence ensued, the only sound being the tv that you forgot to turn off before the fight.

Shit. He said too much.

When you finally came back to your senses, you pushed pass him to make your way into the bedroom, pulling out your luggage and set it open on the bed.

“You should’ve told me earlier that you didn’t want me in your life,” you said breathlessly as you proceeded to dump all your clothes into your luggage before slamming it shut, ignoring his pleas for you to stop.

“No, baby, I don’t mean what I said,” he grabbed your arm and you flinched at his touch. That was how he knew he messed up. Badly. “Let’s just forget—”

“I’m so done with always sweeping our problems under the carpet and pretend like they don’t exist, Jonah!” You yelled frustratedly. “Let me ask you, when was the last time we had a heart-to-heart talk, Jonah? When was the last time we had a peaceful meal together without arguing? When was the last time we actually spent quality time together?”

He couldn’t answer any of your questions.

“Can’t you see it? We haven’t been a couple for quite a while now,” you explained, pulling your closed luggage out of the room towards the front door, not forgetting to pick up your purse along the way. “What happened just now was just one more sign that we,” you gestured between the both of you, “are not meant for each other so maybe it’s for the best if we break up.”

“No, please, no,” he fell to his knees before you, his hands moving to grasp your arm. “Don’t go. I’m sorry. Please.”

“I’m not wasting any second more of my life with you,” you spat mercilessly in his face. “Now let go.”

“No, please, stay with me, baby,” he continued to beg, the grip on your hand unfaltering.

“I’m sorry,” you said and felt his grip loosen at the two simple words. He knew there was no point in holding on once you already made up your mind. “Goodbye, Jonah.”

You yanked your arm away and walked out the door, not looking back, leaving a distressed male behind, in tears.

Yes, Jonah remembers everything from that night, especially the slam of the door behind you as you walked out of his apartment and his life, forever.

And he is the one to blame.

#

Fast forward to the present, he misses you so much that he is starting to lose his mind.

He thinks about you so often that sometimes he forgets that you aren’t his anymore. He still finds himself reaching out to what used to be your side of the bed the first thing in the morning, only to find it cold and empty; he still looks forward to coming home from work every day to run into your arms that used to be his safe haven, only to be reminded by his quiet house that your laughter, your kisses, your touches are luxuries that he can no longer afford, no matter how wealthy he is.

You gave him a chance—scratch that, you have kind-heartedly given him countless chances in the past for him to make up for his mistakes, to prove to you that loving him was worth all the suffering, but all he did was disappoint you over and over again by choosing to walk away from you when his career was at stake.

It wasn’t until you were gone that he noticed all those valuable chances that have unknowingly passed him by.

He runs a hand through his hair and heaves a sigh, throwing his head back so that he is mindlessly staring at the ceiling.

He was cowardly fool, for putting his needs above the person who he swore to love till the end of time, for giving up when he should’ve fought a little harder to preserve what’s left of their love, for doing nothing as the distance between them grew by leaps and bounds until you eventually slipped out of his grasp into nothingness.

Most importantly, he was the world’s biggest idiot to ever think that he can live without you.

He knows that he should stop missing you; he knows that he should forget the past, or at least lock all the fond memories he had built with you into a box and shove it into the darkest, deepest corners of his mind, not to be opened ever again; he knows that he should move on, like you already did.

But “I know” and “I can” are two completely different things. Yes, he is terribly exhausted from holding onto the past, holding onto you, even as he feels the remaining shred of hope that you might one day return to him slowly diminish as days passed but at the same time, he is still too in love to let you go.

Therefore, for what seems like the thousandth time that month, he pulls out his phone from his pocket, and dials your number that is still marked as favourites in his contact list. As expected, the call goes to voicemail right away, after your recorded voice says, “Sorry, I can’t come to the phone at the moment but feel free to leave a message instead!” in a cheerful tone, as if you are mocking him for not being able to talk with you like he used to anymore.

After the beep, Jonah hesitates a moment before opening his mouth to speak, but no words escape. He has no idea where to start. He knows a simple ‘sorry’ isn’t going to fix everything, for the pain you had endured because of him is definitely not worth to be forgiven with a simple two-syllable-word. He contemplates if he should end the call, like what he has done for the past thousand times.

No, he has spent too much time dwelling in his misery without making any effort to win you back It’s about time he at least tries to start a proper conversation with you because even if you don’t reciprocate his feelings, you still deserve an apology from him.

“Hi,” he breathed nervously. “How are you? I know I should not be trying to contact you after what I did to you that night but,”

A pause.

“It’s not the same here without you, y/n. I miss your cooking, your terrible singing voice, your hilarious pep talks – hell, I even miss your long boring lectures whenever I forgot to wash the dishes,” he smiles a little at the memory.

“And I’m sorry, I really am, for ruining everything. I know it’s not enough but it’s true. Not a day passes where I don’t regret what I did to you that night and all the mistakes that I’ve made before that.”

“Please baby, give me one more chance to make it right. Just one more, please. Come back, be here with me because,” another pause.

He searches his brain for the right words to say, rubbing his temples with his fingers as his mind whirs.

Because of you, his life used to be filled with endless love and laughter. Your love was like the warm daylight, illuminating his world in golden, chasing away all the darkness. You painted his life with the vibrant colors of the rainbow whereas now that you’re gone, everyday it rains, the previous sunshine you provided long gone. He should’ve never let you go. With a swipe of his tongue over his trembling dry lips, he finishes his sentence before he decides to chicken out.

“Because I still love you. Without you, now everything’s grey.”

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Before You Go (All Might x Reader)

Part One/Part Two

A/N: okay, so this is gonna be pretty sad all around. Ultimately, Young!All Might x reader, but with Aizawa Shota undertones. Aizawa was giving me some mad professor snape vibes in this, and I sincerely apologize for that. I love him too but this isnt his story.

word count:4000

“Y/N, you seriously need to sign up with that energy quirk hero’s agency...shit what’s his name? It’s on the tip of my tongue,” Yamada remarked, tapping his chin as if that might help him remember. He sat at the lunch table with the rest of his friends, Shota and Oboro. Y/N was right beside him, but it seemed his words, despite being loud as usual, went through one ear and out the other. 

“Don’t bother. She’s a lost cause.” Aizawa replied tiredly. 

They all followed her gaze, only for their eyes to land on Toshinori Yagi. The blond walked by, carrying his food to his lunch table with his friends, people Y/N didn’t know, nor could she ever even hope to know. To be honest, Y/N was kinda sorta a loser. She was lucky that she even had friends considering she was awkward beyond belief.

“He’s too full of himself to notice you, Y/N. I’d just give up on that one,” the dark haired boy added, bumping his shoulder with the girl’s. She frowned, shaking her head to get back to reality. Aizawa was right. Not even once had the blond glanced at her or said hello. He was too cool for her. He was going to be one of the best heroes to ever exist and she was just average at best. None of her teachers ever saw potential in her, just saying that her strength was great, just that the side effects of her quirk were far too destructive.

She took a hefty scoop of rice and shoved it into her mouth, chewing grumpily. 

“Come on, Y/N! It’s alright. You could just date me or Yamada!” Oboro laughed, clapping a hand on her shoulder from where he sat across from the girl. 

“You don’t have to ruin my fantasies, Aizawa-kun. I know I don’t have a chance, but it’s nice to think about,” she snapped, sending a sideways glance at her friend who shrugged. He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter if Y/N obsessed over that muscle-head, but it bothered him. She was their friend: she should pay attention to them, no ogle over some narcissist. “He’s going to be the greatest hero this world has ever seen, I just know it. There’s something special about him, his quirk-”

“We get it. Toshinori this, Toshinori that. You know, if you like him so much, why don’t you go talk to him?” Yamada suggested. He wasn’t upset with her talking on and on about her crush, but he just knew Aizawa was about to burst with a couple more remarks. When she didn’t make an effort to move, he smiled knowingly. “You’re such a scaredy cat, Y/N. What’s he gonna do, bite you? If he’s a nice guy, it wouldn’t be a problem-”

“If it’s so easy, Yamada, why don’t you go find Nemuri and tell her how you feel?”

That shut him up very fast, as expected. Their cloud quirk friend broke through the tension swiftly, “Well, instead of talking about stupid crushes, why don’t we talk about our plans for this weekend? Karaoke and Barbeque, dudes! It’s gonna be awesome.”

“Oh my God, I totally forgot about that!” Y/N exclaimed, shoving more rice in her mouth so it bulged in her cheek like a squirrel. She probably should take smaller bites, but it was more fun to see how many grains she could fit in her mouth at one time. “Hizashi, I swear if you eat all the spicy pork again...”

“That only happened once-”

“Twice, actually!” she corrected, poking him on the forehead with the end of her chopstick. They laughed and all was well again, if not for her lowering self-esteem. If only Aizawa believed in her. He was her best friend, the only one who’d been there since the beginning. If he pushed her to talk to Toshinori maybe she would have the courage to actually do it. 

But that wasn’t important. She had friends who actually enjoyed her company, and that’s what mattered.

The weekend was two days away, and a lot could happen in those 48 hours, she found. 

_____________________________________

“Fucking useless. So weak,” Y/N cursed, staring down at her burning hands. Blisters had yet to form, but she could feel the pain of her training. She could accumulate heat from her surroundings and expel that from any part of her body. Yet, it seemed that there were more downsides than perks with this quirk she inherited from her parents. Firstly, she could not consciously choose to concentrate the heat in any one area. Usually, it did come from her hands, but often she would find other parts of her body scalding to the touch when she was using her power. Secondly, using her power at high heat would leave her with terrible burns. 

Thankfully, her mother gave her bits of a regeneration quirk, meaning the burns only lasted for a couple days, most of the time less than that. Hopefully, with time, she could control the quirk so the damage wouldn’t be so bad.

She hated her quirk. It sucked. She couldn’t do anything much with it or else she would hurt herself and have to stop. Once she was burned so badly that the hospital almost had to amputate one of her limbs just from that. 

Sadly, she fell to her knees on the sandy training grounds, just staring down at her hands hopelessly. How could she ever become a pro hero like this? She’d never be able to compete with the other UA students, especially people like Toshinori or Todoroki or even Aizawa. 

“Shit,” she shouted angrily, shutting her eyes and slamming her hands against the sand. Her hands lit up a bright red for a quick moment as heat ran through them into the ground. Sand blew up all around her face and rocks were sent flying in all directions. As the dust cleared, she could see a small crater in the ground where she channeled her energy, it wasn’t huge, maybe enough for a person to lay in, but not much bigger. 

Her hands stung terribly, and blisters started to bubble up on her skin. She was so full of adrenaline and hate for herself that the pain hadn’t entered her mind. She was just so fucking angry. She would never be good enough. Why even go to UA if she was just gonna get a job outside of the quirk realm? If anything, she’d probably get left behind to be a civilian while everyone she knew got rich and famous from quirk work.

“Hey, are you okay?” a familiar voice asked from somewhere behind her. She turned her head, tears stuck in the corners of her eyes as she drifted out of her reality into the real world. If it didn’t sting so badly, maybe she would have been more excited to see Toshinori Yagi walking in her direction. She hissed, turning back around and shaking her hands to get some cool air on them. 

He jogged to her side, kneeling beside her. His eyes widened at the sight of her hands, but also at the hole she left in the ground. “That looks really, really bad. We should get you to Recovery Girl-”

“It doesn’t matter.”

He looked up to her face, his brows raised in surprise. Why would she deny going to the infirmary for an injury like this? She had to be insane, he thought. “What? Why?”

“It’ll heal soon.”

“Do you have a regeneration quirk?” he asked, but as he did so, he gently took her hands in his, which were in comparison, freezing cold. He felt like he was touching fire, but he knew his body was strong enough to handle a little heat. Her skin was already blood red, but him touching her so delicately left her feeling faint. The school’s star pupil was holding her hands. She couldn’t believe it. Even through the pain, she felt bashful.

She nodded. “Yeah, but it will take a day or two.”

“Well then, we’re going now.” He didn’t even wait for her to say anything in reply before picking her up in his arms, one behind her shoulders and the other under her knees. In shock, she could only lay there limp, her burnt hands face up in her lap. “How’d you do that anyway? You have a heat quirk, right?”

“Yeah. I just put too much energy into my hands. I have to use my quirk in moderation,” she explained. “Also, I can walk. It’s fine, you don’t need to-”

“No! You need to save as much of your strength so you can heal your wounds. Recovery Girl can’t heal you completely, I’m sure.” 

“Okay. Thank you.”

He walked inside the school building and started talking again. She didn’t know for sure why he was giving her so much of his time and effort. She could have taken herself to the nurse or easily gone home. It was after class. He might have been coming out to train himself, actually. Either way, he was being extremely kind.

“I’m Toshinori Yagi. I’ve seen you around school before, you always hang with the boy with that erasing quirk.”

“Yep. He’s one of my best friends.”

“If I remember right, you’re L/N Y/N? Heat manipulation quirk? You were 4th in this year’s sport’s festival,” he smiled down at her, and she felt herself light on fire once again. How did he remember her? She was such a background character, and even if she did mildly well, her quirk and face weren’t much to remember. “You were super impressive out there, I was surprised. You seem so shy, but really you’re a powerhouse.”

“Not really. I have to hurt myself to do anything good.”

“If you could learn to control your quirk, imagine what you could do with your power?! You made that giant hole in the ground out there in a matter of seconds.” That made her feel good. People normally brought her down, telling her that she would just have to deal with it, that it was a condition of her power. For some reason, this boy believed in her. It made a bit of a smile come to her lips. 

His grin felt contagious, and it only grew brighter seeing her lips curl up. 

“I guess so.”

“You should let me help you out. I know a lot about control from my own quirk. We’d be a good pair, I think.”

That was when her heart officially stopped beating. He wanted to spend even more time together? He wanted to take time out his day to help her improve? She began to rethink what her friends said about the boy. He didn’t seem full of himself at all. He was generous and kind from the looks of it. 

And to think she had a crush on him before. Now she felt her heart swelling up in her chest so much it might explode.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

That’s how Y/N met the famous All Might, and the moment she started her downward spiral in love with him.

_________________________________

Y/N sat at the lunch table once again with her normal squad of friends, Aizawa to her right as usual. She had one of her books sitting out on the table, a textbook Toshinori gave to her. He said that his own mentor had given that to him to help learn control and moderation of his quirk. She studied it religiously, and surprisingly, it was beginning to work. She had less and less incidents where she had to go to the infirmary or have to extensively heal herself. The training still hurt like hell, but it was less serious.

“Y/N, you’ve been studying a lot lately. Something up?”

“Just trying to get over my weaknesses. Figured I wasn’t working hard enough.” 

Just as Aizawa was about to say something else, a loud, excitable voice yelled from a few meters away. “Y/N!”

It was The Toshinori Yagi, the best student at UA. To think two weeks ago, they were telling her he would never know her name. Turns out he already knew, and apparently they were friendly with each other. Oboro’s eyes widened and he elbowed Hizashi beside him, who was jamming on his headphones. Aizawa’s eyes only narrowed. 

Her eyes lit up at the sight of the blond boy. He walked over to her seat and leaned his hip on the table, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “You’re really studying that book I gave you, huh? Even at lunch?”

“Of course! I have to do all I can before training.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ve been improving like crazy these past few weeks.”

These past few weeks? Just how long had they been talking?

He smiled kindly at her, and she blushed, hiding her face toward the table. It was weird for the boys to see their little Y/N talking with a boy other than them. And while two of them were ecstatic she seemed to have bagged the hottest boy in the school, one was particularly stormy about it.

“Well, I just stopped by to tell you, you look really beautiful today! You’ve been practically glowing with confidence lately; it’s a really good look on you.”

“O-Oh, thanks, Toshi-kun.”

“I just call it like I see it, Y/N,” he winked, and that sent her heart into overdrive. “Well, I’ve got to go eat, but I’ll meet you outside class later?”

“Yep.”

He left for his table with his super cool friends, leaving her sitting there a flustered, awkward mess. She shoved some rice into her mouth and chewed, trying to hide her embarrassment.

“Sooo, you gonna explain what that was?!” Yamada cried out, clutching at his chest. “Your vibes were too intense, I almost couldn’t handle it.”

She waved the boy off with her hand, trying to downplay it all. ‘It’s really nothing. He’s just helping me train. He has a really good handle on damage control, since we both have stockpile type quirks. I’ve actually gotten somewhat better since then.”

“Seemed like more than that, L/N-chan,”

“I’m telling you, he's just a really, really friendly guy. That compliment was just a friendly one.”

Aizawa sighed, leaning back in his chair. “You’re so dumb, Y/N. He seems like he’s playing with you.” He said it so matter-of-factly, and she glared at him. 

“I’ll have you know he’s been helping me a lot with my training but also my healing. He’s very kind and always helps me with anything. He’s never once shown signs he’s not genuine.”

“That’s what a narcissist does to get you comfortable with them, stupid.”

“Can’t you just believe that my crush actually wants to be friends with me and help me? That he’s not just some malicious monster?” When he rolled his eyes, she stood up abruptly, grabbing her book and shoving it into her bag. He sat up quickly and went to grab her wrist, but she moved out of the way swiftly. 

“Aw, come on, L/N. Dudette-” Yamada whined, but he knew that Aizawa’s jealousy was getting to the tipping point for the girl. Years went by of him just pushing her away from other guys who liked her and were genuinely kind. Whatever Toshinori was doing with her seemed to give her enough strength to reject the boy’s malice words.

A little bit of him was even proud, the loudmouth admitted to himself. 

 She kept her head held high, eyes glaring down at the long-haired scruffy boy. He’d never seen her like this: standing up for herself. If she were angry at anyone else, he would be cheering her on, but now he just felt furious. How could she be angry with him? He’d been there since they were children and she just leaves because of some blond himbo. 

Her words cut clear in the bustling lunchroom. “I don’t need any negativity right now, Aizawa. If all you want to do is bring me down, then so be it.” After slinging her bag over her shoulder and grabbing her tray, she waved and walked away. As they watched her, she approached the table of her new friend, who greeted her happily. She sat next to Toshinori with a smile on her face, one that Aizawa hadn’t seen directed at him in weeks. 

Maybe he was wrong to be bitter, but he just couldn’t believe there wasn’t some conspiracy to all this. How is it that the coolest guy in school goes for Y/N? He thought she was amazing, he had for years, but no one else ever thought that. 

Whatever, it didn’t matter anyway. She could do whatever she wanted, and if she got her feelings hurt, so be it.

_________________________________

The pair sat outside the school as always. She munched on an icecream bar from the cafeteria while he leaned back, arm across her shoulders and his eyes drawn to the sky, fading from dimmed orange into deep violet. He had guilt hanging over his head the past few weeks, and it was finally time for him to explain himself. 

“I can’t believe we’re done. School went by too quick.”

“I think it goes by faster when you’re fighting evil a couple days a week.”

She nodded, humming in agreement. Her senior year was full of battles, emotional and physical. She was broken to bits when her friend Oboro died or when Toshinori was left to mourn his mentor and they only had each other. Being a hero comes with a cost, but no one expects to be 17 and watch the people they love die all around them. It’s worse when you’re strong enough that you know you could have saved them but you just didn’t. “It was worse than I imagined. I know we’re going to do this for our whole lives, but I don’t want it to hurt as much.”

“That’s why you have to always be better than the villains, Y/N. I know I’m going to be.”

 She tucked the clean popsicle stick into her bookbag when she was done with it, not wanting to throw it on the ground. Her hand found its way to his, curling her smaller fingers gently around his. Her smile was all too bright, a trait of his that seemed to grow on her the longer they spent together. “We’ll do it together, right? You and me on top of the charts, just like we dreamed of?”.

He relished in the warmth of her hand pressed to his, even if it was just a friendly. He was going to miss moments like this, dreams of the two of them...All that planning for nothing. He sighed, his eyes going from the sky to the dirt beneath their feet. “Y/N, I have something to tell you.”

With a furrowed brow, she asked, “What’s up?” It couldn’t be bad...

“Tomorrow I’m leaving for America. I don’t know how long.”

“What do you mean you’re leaving for America tomorrow?” Y/N asked her best friend, eyes wide with fear. He knew he should have told her earlier, but he couldn’t explain why he was leaving, and he knew the more time she knew the greater chance he would reveal the reason. She couldn’t know about All For One. It would only put her in danger.

He sighed, placing a heavy hand on her shoulder. “I have to go to America. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you before-”

“I can’t believe this. You waited until the day before to tell me I’ll basically never see you again. You expect me to be satisfied with a two minute goodbye today and just forget about you- about everything?” she asked, a stone sinking to the pit of her stomach. She felt like she was going to cry or get sick. How could he do this to her? 

“I know. I know. I should have told you sooner but I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Y/N, I’m sorry, I just can’t tell you.”

That answer wasn’t good enough. It was wrong to pry, but the betrayal was too much for her to handle rationally.

She turned her head away from him, staring bitterly at the wall beside her. She refused to meet his eyes. “I thought I could trust you.You’re one of my closest friends, Toshi, but now I know you don’t care. If you cared you would have at least given me a heads up, maybe spent more time with me before you just decide to abandon me,” she sneered, the anger building up in her chest. “You’re too good for someone like me. Shota-kun was right this whole time. Everytime he told me you were just playing with me, that you didn’t actually care about me; he was right, wasn’t he?”

All Might shook his head, trying to reach out to grab her, bring her back to his side. He didn’t want her to turn against him now. He didn’t want to say goodbye with her hating him, her last memory of him being so terrible. Still, she jumped away from her seat, stumbling over her feet to get away from him. “Don’t touch me.”

“Y/N, please. I just want this goodbye to be happy.”

“Goodbyes are never fucking happy, Yagi. You’re so stupid.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“How could you not?” Y/N bit back her sadness, letting anger take over. “Just forget it. It’s not worth fighting over. You’re leaving, so goodbye. Maybe we’ll see each other again, maybe not. But just know, I would have done anything to stay by your side if you really cared about me.” With those words lingering in the air, she turned on her heel and started to walk away. 

“Y/N, please don’t go yet,” he paused, trying to gather himself. She was walking away, her back turned and her head hung.  “I love you.”

But she didn’t turn around. What was the point now? She’d lost him already, no use in saying anything back or confessing her love as well. He would still be leaving tomorrow, and they would probably never see each other again. It would break her heart to run back there and hug him, confess her long time feelings to the boy. They were never an item. Maybe if he stayed, they could have been something more. 

If he really loved her, he wouldn’t leave her behind. If he really loved her, he would have shut his mouth before those three little words, and saved her the broken heart.

Part Two is up!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hiii I'm really new to the fandom, like I just discovered the show this month and I loved the end but I should say that even if the 3rd and 4th season weren't as good as the first two to me tfp was amazing, the only thing that I hated was how they portrayed Mary as a saviour and how in tld she was the one that told John to save Sherlock because John would've done that alone and honestly I would've never forgive her and I was just about to stop watching the show because I hated that part, to me is unrealistic how they forgot everything and were fine with her and I was glad when she d*ed tbh but they still used her and well but I thought that tfp was an amazing chapter and I was surprised to see that the fandom hated it :( why do they hate it so much?

Hey Nonny!

First off, welcome to the fandom!! We’re happy to have you here!

Secondly, I want to preface this with: it’s totally okay to have liked S4 / TFP, and it’s totally okay if you saw something there that I certainly haven’t. It’s not my place to gatekeep the fandom. You’re allowed to enjoy it, and as a heads up to my lovelies who want to reply to this ask too, to please be respectful to my Nonny and their enjoyment of S4. 

That said, PLEASE know that this WILL get ranty and it is NOT an attack on you, Nonny. I really am not upset at you and I am very happy that you enjoy the series. I, on the other hand just get very emotional whenever I talk about S4 and what it could have been. Quite honestly, I envy you Nonny; I’ve been too deep into fandom and meta and learning about narrative storytelling for WAY too long to think of it as anything other than a terrible conclusion to what was once an amazing series all because Mofftiss wanted to “shock” people.

With that segue, I’ve essentially summed it all up in a few other asks here, so you can go down that rabbit hole if you like:

Why do most fans hate S4, especially TFP? (THIS POST HERE LISTS A LARGE CHUNK OF WHY I DON’T LIKE S4)

Why Do You Hate S4, I’m Just Curious (huge discussion post)

 FOLLOWUP: Can I Tell You that I love you?

Why Does Everyone Seem to Hate S4 and Mary So Much?

How do I respond to people who say they liked S4

Controversial Opinion: S4 Sucked

S4 Didn’t Feel Like BBC Sherlock

The main TL;DR for me about why I dislike TFP: It didn’t feel like an episode of Sherlock AT ALL, the characters were ALL out of character, and it essentially erased 7 years’ of plot / character development: 

Molly regressed to S1E1 Molly after establishing that she moved on from Sherlock

Moriarty was essentially a patsy and not a mastermind, and in turn leaving Carl Powers as a HUGE plot hole

who the FUCK is Mycroft in this episode??

Sherlock would NEVER ignore Vatican Cameos

Eurus’ whole character destroyed the world that these characters existed in for 12 episodes prior (ie. BASED IN REALITY). They made her essentially an X-Man. Her very role in the whole season was too fantastical. Why would you break out of this prison only to go back in so you can play a weird Escape room with Saw traps?

John’s entire character was destroyed

Sherlock’s entire purpose in the entire series was reduced to being a woobie because Mofftiss has a “hurting Ben” kink, it seems

Mary basically saying if it wasn’t for her, John and Sherlock could never be, even though they WERE before her stupid face ever was in the picture

They ruined Mary’s character; she could’ve been a badass villain but they made her a martyr through an unapologetic, undeserved, non-redemption. And her DVD’s were stupid and disgusting and just proves what a cruel character she was while trying to convince us that she wasn’t.

Anyway, I could keep going, but you get the idea. Check out the posts linked above for even more.

I think for me, it stems from being someone who wrote meta to help understand characters and narrative constructs, and the narrative took a complete 180 and did something completely different than what people assumed would happen all because I feel Mofftiss was spiteful that we guessed most of TAB, so they wanted to “subvert expectations” and did a piss-poor job of it. I don’t know. It’s not good writing when watching the entire show as a whole. S4 doesn’t feel like Sherlock, because the John-and-Sherlock relationship (regardless if you ship it or not) just ISN’T THERE. It turned into the “Mostly Mary, Occasionally Sherlock, and maybe John when we need someone’s character to destroy” show. I’ve a sneaking suspicion AA had a lot to do with that, but it’s all gossip and hearsay, so I’ll leave it there.

Anyway, Nonny, this whole thing isn’t meant to insult you. I’m GLAD you enjoyed S4 / TFP. I can’t even watch the series without cringing, and the only way I can sit through S4 is if I read it as John’s TAB. I’m envious that you can enjoy it on the surface. I want to say give it a few years and you’ll be one of us old jaded folks, but mreh, not my place. If anything, I hope that my reply and all the links posted above let you understand why the fandom and critics at large didn’t enjoy it. I genuinely can see why people do like it: Ben and Martin are fantastic with what they have to work with, and the first two episodes look really pretty. But I just... can’t be swayed. I made a genuine effort to like it, I really did, when it first came out. But I guess just examining it too closely and trying to understand why Mofftiss made such a decision to destroy their most profitable property, it’s just really bizarre to me.

Hope you have a good day, Nonny, and I do hope you’ll stick around! <3 I’ll understand if you hate me now, LOL. <3 

[godsofhumanity]

GODHUNTER by AMY SUMIDA | REVIEW

okiee this was recommended to me by @inkleaves ^-^ uhmm so i have a LOT to say about this book. spoilers under cut.

OVERVIEW: “Godhunter” is the epithet given to a young woman named Vervain who uses witchcraft and magic to go around committing deicide in order to save humanity from gods who drain their energy to gain immortality and other godly attributes. However, when Vervain is recruited by the Norse god Thor, she finds herself in an alliance with the people she originally considered her enemies, as they work together to save the world from the maliciousness of the Aztec god, Huitzilopochtli.

RATING: 2/10. i’m giving it a low rating because it doesn’t really have too much to do with mythology, but i did like its general portrayal of most deities even though this book was insanely cringey and dumb.. now, even though under the cut, i’ve kinda bashed the book quite a bit, i still have to admit that i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have fun reading it. i stayed up to 1 AM trying to finish it because i had to find out what the protag’s next stupid decision would be,, all in all, if you like trash/cringe fiction- this is for you.

WARNING: even though this book is a YA novel, I’d say there’s a definite emphasis on the adult part of “young adult”... Certain scenes and themes are inappropriate for minors.

AVAILABLE ON: pdf link here ^-^ ((i think it downloads immediately if you click))

THINGS I LIKED:

the book is cringe.

great diversity in terms of the god cast. i learned about some new deities that i was previously unfamiliar with, so that was cool

Brahma (Hindu deity) wears a Gucci belt as part of his attire ^-^

whatever Estsanatlehi and Tsohanoai (Native American deities) had going on.... they were really cute and wholesome

THOR-HORUS BROTP AGENDA!!!!!!!! everyone who follows me already knows how keen i am about this idea of all the war deities hanging out together (fite club), and this novel served up exactly that. disappointing that Huitzilopochtli wasn’t a part of it, but i am settling for Thor and Horus’ several centuries old friendship.

Horus’ falcon tattoo detail.. i LOVE the idea of the gods having their sacred animals tattooed,, it’s so awesome!!!

Pan... i liked the way he still had his little horns, and he was kinda chaotic and fun.

in general, the descriptions of the gods were so pleasant and so cool.. i really liked the way that pretty much all the gods were beautiful,, this is very much in line with my own idea of how the gods look, and i think it makes sense, because they’re meant to be charismatic, compelling beings- beings that you worship, beings that you praise- why would they be anything but beautiful? and even if they were considered ugly by other gods, that’s only in comparison to other deities.. from a human perspective,, i just can’t see how any mortal could consider a god to be anything less than perfection,, idk

in particular- i really enjoyed the descriptions of Huitzilopochtli in his debut. i know he’s a piece of shit in the novel, but i LOVED the way he was described with his war-frenzy being triggered by blood, and the way, as god of the sun, his body almost glows, and heats up as though you’re looking into the sun itself, and the only way he can cool it down is by bathing in blood... WOWOWOWOW it’s just such a neat and fantastic visual description. his physical appearance really paid tribute to Huitzilopochtli’s original domain and attributes.

i also liked the linking between Huitzilopochtli being the Father of Vampires.. links between Aztec culture and vampirism is a trope that i didn’t originally suspect, but have become exposed to quite a bit as of late,, and i think that it’s quite a clever little plot. i liked that Huitzilopochtli also debunks superstitions about the sun, garlic, crosses, holy water etc.

Huitzilopochtli as the villain. the man makes a BRILLIANT villain- his motives are very clear and also, i thought, justified, albeit unoriginal. his presence is quite terrifying, and the reader does worry for Vervain’s safety whenever she’s with him- which is good! this means that he fills out his role as a villain well. tbh,, i did love Huitzilopochtli from the moment of his debut, but he got knocked out of my books during a certain temple scene and i have some thoughts about that in the next section.

when Vervain wakes up after the temple dream with Huitzilo, and she relaxes because it was just a dream, but then she looks into the mirror and sees bite marks on her neck!!! CHILLS! now THAT was good writing- it was unexpected, and served well to navigate into the next part of the plot.

Odin and Huitzilopochtli holding a ted talk on “how to create panic and discord among the humans”, and the gods having to bring certain meals depending on what the first letter of their names were.

Vervain’s pop-culture references, and her weaponry- especially the gloves that have blades in them that get released when she swings her hand downwards. very cool, i want them.

casual appearances from Vladimir Putin (yes, i said Vladimir Putin)... i couldn’t stop laughing when i read that Huitzilo was trying to kill Putin’s daughter to instigate a war...... asdhshajdhasdjfhjdhf insane

also i know Vervain was trying to mock Huitzilo when she nicknamed him “Blue”,, but like.. that’s a really cute name and it wasn’t even insulting.. yeah, that one backfired on you Vervain... if anything, that just made it seem like she actually had affections for him and i feel like probably in part is the reason why he felt encouraged to pursue her.

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE/THINGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE AND/OR CONFUSED ME:

the book is cringe.

it reads like a 15 year old’s fantasy AU where she’s a humble young woman, unextraordinary- yet somehow, she is the muse of every man’s desire. handsome, ripped gods who never wear clothes are laying themselves down at her feet,, and she is just overwhelmed by the choices before her; and all the while, she has to balance a complicated love life with her duty to save the world (since she’s the only one who can).

Vervain as a protagonist. idk how old she’s meant to be, but since the book is in first-person, and the reader is exposed to her innermost thoughts,, i’ve gotta say- she’s incredibly immature. as a protagonist, i just feel like she’s rude, pretentious, snobby.. she has no idea what “respect” even means. in every scene, she’s either fighting someone, or lusting after them (when Teharon told her off for having lascivious thoughts about him, and she simply responded with “well stop being so sexy then” i wanted to die.... WHAT is wrong with her)

i hate the way she looks down on the gods- even if you didn’t worship them, or even believed in their existence, surely you wouldn’t have the gall to lecture Hades and Persephone on how to be a good couple (especially when your advice is shit). surely you wouldn’t have the gall to say to Thor what Vervain says to him on pg 227, 4th line from the bottom, that i will not repeat here. Vervain is just too self-absorbed. i don’t hate her, but i definitely think her character is a bit,,, iffy.

relating to Vervain as the protagonist- everything just seems to happen to her.. and i know that she’s the protag, and things are meant to happen to her, but it all happens to her one after the other in succession, no breaks. it’s so easy for her... oh? Huitzilopochtli is going to kill Putin’s daughter? no worries, Vervain can read Huitzilopochtli’s thoughts! oh? the gods have never been able to transform more than half their body into their animal form? no worries, Vervain is so powerful she can force a god to change against their will! oh? Vervain is being attacked by blood-thirsty wolves? no worries, she saved the life of one werewolf and now he’s indebted to her and will literally kill himself in order to protect her! everything is easy, and nothing is a problem.

the way every male deity ever sees Vervain once and immediately wants to take her to bed. why was that a necessary aspect of her character? and also, why are the gods portrayed as such lustful beings?? it really wasn’t necessary.

Horus throwing a fit about how December 25 is his birthday and that it was stolen from him by Jesus... to quote:

“No big deal?” Horus puffed up. “I was called the Lamb of God. I had twelve apostles, and my myths spoke of my crucifixion and consequent resurrection in three days. His stories were my stories first!”

it’s fine that Horus is angry about his birthday which was i think, historically celebrated around this date- but the rest of it isn’t even true???? Horus didn’t have 12 apostles, i’m pretty sure he was also not called “Lamb of God”, and he wasn’t crucified!!! aghhhh even Thor says “It’s been so long that even you don’t remember things accurately.”

anyways.. my beef with this is the way it’s phrased so as to imply that “oh christianity just stole everything from the pagans” when this is so incredibly false and sounds like something an ill-informed person would say. you can read more about christianity, paganism and christmas here

kinda related to the previous point- the jokes about Jesus’ skin colour. i quote:

“... when Christ first became a god, he looked Jewish because those were the people he chose to align himself with. However, the Jews didn’t want him, and when Christianity spread, the white people wanted Jesus to look more like them. With the change in belief, Christ’s appearance changed. ... We used to tease him about how he looked whiter every time we saw him... Kind of like Michael Jackson...”

what the FUCK??????? seems like Sumida doesn’t understand that various ethnic groups illustrate Jesus as appearing as the local people do. Yes, obviously in a Western country, Jesus is going to look European, he’s going to look white. If you go to Japan, you will see Jesus and the rest of the gang looking pretty fucking Japanese. the point of this is NOT to erase Jesus’ Jewish ethnicity, and it is certainly not because of something like “the Jews didn’t want him”- it is because it is a way for followers to better relate to the Divine. including Christ in this story isn’t the problem- i’ve seen others do it very well. the problem is how uneducated her writing comes across.

all the gods have human jobs so that they can earn money and stuff,, which is fine- Thor, for example, owns a line of boats, which makes sense. but Pan? his job is making p*rn. now even though it’s true that everyone associates Pan with sexuality and stuff,,, this isn’t his primary role, and making Pan out to be just a playboy who has his mind in the gutter 24/7 i think is a bit of a mockery. Pan is, first and foremost, a god of the Wild. why Sumida elected to make him a p*rn manufacturer and not a wildlife conservationist is beyond me... i’m not even pagan, and i thought this creative decision was distasteful and stupid, especially because his character is actually quite light-hearted and cool.

the temple scene with Huitzilopochtli and Vervain. as i said previously, i really really liked Huitzilo’s character. he made an excellent villain. but this part?? i understand why it was done, but i HATED that it had to happen... not just because it was horrible for Vervain, but Huitzilo seemed so powerful and godly right up to that point- after which he seemed pretty pathetic- going back after Vervain after she’s rejected him countless times. she is JUST a mortal!!! c’mon Huitzilo, give it up!!! you are degrading yourself at the expense of achieving one mortal’s “love”.. the fact that he had to hypnotise her to get what he wanted AND had to achieve it through her dreams (when’s she can’t protect herself) was sooooo pathetic and disgraceful.. IMO, he committed the worst sin any person could ever commit and i just... AGHHHHHHHHH SMH WHY?!

speaking of morons- Thor. Thor just comes across to me as extremely possessive, and over-protective,, and idk how Vervain was NOT creeped out by the fact that Thor had literally been stalking her for two years before she even met him. wtf? god or not- that’s creepy. actually, i think it’s creepier because he is a god. 

Sif. i am still waiting for good media representation of thunder god Thor and his beautiful golden-haired wife Sif- i want them to be HAPPY, and i want them to be in love the way they should be! 

Persephone. i like the idea of Persephone being sweet-tempered, and kind- but in this book, she’s such a wimp??????? she totally just lets Vervain be rude to her, a goddess who’s name means “Bringer of Destruction”. also- her relationship with Hades seems toxic.. i mean,, he like tracks her? she starts stuttering when she talks to him, and gets nervous when people so much as mention his name. not to mention the fact that Persephone says that when she does go back to him, all he demands from her is a certain horizontal dance so much so that she is “sore” (<- quoting from the book here) every time she returns??????? WHAT IS HAPPENING?????????? and no one even questions it. Vervain doesn’t even question it! instead she suggests that Persephone MOVES IN with Hades permanently???? and that Hades should just start verbally saying how much he loves Persephone instead of “showing” her how much he “loves” her.....??? there are SO many issues with this.. i can’t even- *screams*

the Aphrodite-is-madly-in-love-with-Huitzilopochtli side plot. it could have been really good, but then it ends so abruptly,,, i mean.. why’d Aphrodite get done so dirty like that? Also summary of Hephaestus’ first and final scenes:

Hephaestus, entering the room: Right, what’s all this then? Vervain: Your wife is cheating on you (again) Hephaestus: Aight, i’m out *leaves and never comes back for the rest of the book*

what the HECK was the ending with Trevor?? i hate Vervain so much i can’t... okay first of all- WHY did Trevor decide to have a wolf-marriage with Vervain?? he kept on going on about how she’s so beautiful, and kind, and caring... NO SHE ISN’T TREVOR!!! i’m so mad that he would pledge himself for all eternity to this girl who doesn’t even like him in that way!!! you played yourself son

also- Thor accepts the fact that Trevor is going to have to be close by to Vervain because the terms of the marriage state that Trevor will literally die without her touch, which is VERY GENEROUS of Thor... but Vervain?? ooooh i HATE her.. she has the audacity to look at Trevor with her lecherous eyes thinking about lustful things IN THOR’S OWN BED!!!!! and then she thinks to herself “oh whoops i shouldn’t be thinking that”- yeah you’re darn right you shouldn’t be thinking that!!!! whatttt is wrong with her............. 

also- where tf did Huitzilo go??? he just gave up on trying to instigate a war and vanished?? the plot was so unresolved?????? AGH!

[samrosemodblog]

Time for Sam Ramblings! It's been a while since I rambled about something. Also whose ready for some Fandom Whiplash?

Cause I'm rambling about Homestuck.

Homestuck is strange to me cause I was in the PRIME position to absolutely adore it when it premiered, on account of being a huge fan of the series that came before it, Problem Sleuth.

God I loved Problem Sleuth. One of the rare series where from basically page 1 it had me busting my gut with the absurdities.

So I figured I'd love Homestuck too. And while I did dig it for a while, it was always kinda just "Okay" with me going along with the motions. And I DEFINITELY didn't understand the story telling pacing on account of all the time travel shenanigans going on, or the way Hussie decided to EXECUTE those time travel narratives.

I remember dropping out of reading the story around the time of Part 5 airing, you know, when the Trolls REALLY got involved in the story. Which is funny because apparently from what I've seen, this is everyone in the fandom's favorite part of the story.

And I'm rambling about this NOW, because I decided for the kicks to go back and listen to a Youtube Reading of Homestuck, just so I could actually say I'd seen all of Homestuck one day.

And those readings just got to the start of Act 5 now which means I'm all caught up from my past. So I wanted to put my thoughts to paper and then toss them into the void for anyone who cares.

The rest under a Read More!

To start my thoughts, a second read of Homestuck has done a lot for my understanding of Homestuck's story, even if I forgot a LOT of what happened near the end of act 4 on retrospective.

Having even some knowledge of the future meant that when those events occurred in the past, they made INFINITELY more sense than an initial linear timeline viewing of the story.

So in some senses I really was enjoying the story more this time around than I did the first time, though I think I can identify more of what the issue this time around is of why it just feels OKAY in comparison to Problem Sletuh.

Homestuck is basically a game within a game within a Webcomic, narratively speaking. All of that is LITERAL in terms of the story being told, even the 4th Wall is literally part of the story.

And part of the disconnected feeling is that the "Game" of Sburb, the game that starts the story off in Act 1, isn't really used to its full potential.

Like when Act 1 first started, I was FULLY into the idea of this double-layered story telling of kids playing a game and using the game mechanics while they were 'controlled' by a game on the outside.

Like I said, it's LITERALLY a game within a game story telling.

But the Game never really plays out to any meaningful effect. The 'Game' of Sburb is just a plot device that gives the kids, essentially, alchemy super powers.

Sure they can KIND of alter the area they spawn in, but that never really plays any kind of factor in the larger space of the story (at least as far as up to Act 5 is concerned, maybe I'm wrong here, but even if it DOES the feeling of disconnect is still there for all of Acts 1 through 4).

Like. I imagine Problem Sleuth, where the world FUNCTIONALLY is a dream world running on Dream Logic.

One of the first things that happens is the main character pulling a window off of the wall, but still being able to use it as a window to where the window exited out to, like a moving portal.

Imagine THOSE kind of shenanigans but with the game world. Being able to treat reality as if it existed in dream logic.

A story where Rose was able to take the windows on John's house and make duplicates of them around the world, giving John fast access back to his house.

If the new world they were exploring within Sburb was a hostile and dangerous world, and they made themselves safe havens that were essentially copy + pastes of their homes, with door portals that lead them between these havens, and allow them to 'fast travel' between locations.

The Game would be their world world, because the story would be dictated of them essentially living IN the game! And they ESSENTIALLY always have! They just never had direct access to that game until Sburb existed!

But of course this never really happens in the story.

Instead you get drawn into a confusing game within a game within a webcomic story, combined with so much time travel you can't even nervously shift in place without bumping into SOMETHING that was directly involved in time travel.

And that's not even getting into the whole absurdity of the 'Dream' world ALSO being the antagonist world that the kids are fighting against.

Essentially Homestuck gets bogged down REAL quick with all of these other story elements that, at least FEEL, completely separated from the game in the first place.

And sure, I get that part of the problem in the story is essentially that BECAUSE the kids prototyped the kernel sprite with Clowns, cats, pink, and birds that it caused the main villain to be infuriated over having to wear a stupid hat, but it's such a minor detail that it gets entirely lost in the shuffle!

It's not that any of this is necessarily bad, after all Homestuck's fandom was fucking HUGE when it came on the scene (especially with the trolls), but it definitely had always left me with a feeling of "It feels like a lot could be done with this concept, but instead of doing anything with it, we went with a strange time-travel and alien home-worlds warring narrative instead"

But I suppose this is all relative. It's not necessarily a BAD story, it's just one that leaves a lot up to the reader to figure things out and/or wait for them to be figured out on their own, and that can be kind of tough to deal with.

Also some of the language hasn't held up, at all. And I don't think it even held up even back then. 10 years is a long time in terms of cultural shifts, but even still oof.

But that's a minor part at the very least and doesn't come up very often, so I can at least shrug it off for now.

Anyways, that caps off my feelings of the first 4 acts as they exist right now. And I wanted to get them down because one of the most common reading advice for people new to Homestuck is "Skip to Act 3!" and it's like

That's such terrible advice and not a great way to kick off this huge adventure lol

But at least I think I figured out WHY Acts 1 through 4 gave me such a "This is okay" feeling, as said above.

But what kicked me out of reading the rest was Part 5 Act 1 (Seriously why isn't it just Act 5 and 6?? They're long enough to be separate acts, lord).

EVERYONE ELSE seemed to adore the trolls and loved exploring their world and getting to know them more.

They annoyed the Hell out of me originally.

Not only had I been thrown off/hated the whole fact that John made his own family and friends and himself RANDOMLY AND WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT (Like he literally just stumbles into a room and goes ahead and makes the paradoxes and just... Just does things??? UGH I STILL HATE IT), but then these assholes came along and just had COMPLETELY obnoxious personalities and text chats that were a pain in the ass to read and took over the ENTIRE STORY away from the characters I actually cared about.

ALSO PERSTERCHUM LOGS ARE WAY TOO LONG, EVEN FROM THE START OF THE STORY, EVERY TIME IT'S LIKE 10 MINUTES TO READ WHAT'S GOING ON, I SWEAR TO GOD-

So I just wanted to put my thoughts down on what Homestuck had been TO ME so far before I end up dragging myself through the rest of the story that I HAVEN'T seen until now.

I believe I got spoiled on how the story ends from a tumblr post but my memory of it is really vague and I don't remember HOW they get to that conclusion, but it felt very Problem-Sleuthy in how it ended so ya know.

Either way, it will be interesting to see if any of my feelings end up changing here. I doubt I'll ever be officially part of the 'Fandom' like other people were, but hey, if I get to the end of the story and like what I have so far I can at least partake in the fanart and fanfics and finally know what's going on lol

PS. I DO find it funny that "The Midnight Gang" was essentially a commissioned side-story in the Problem Sleuth universe, and one of the on-going 'Gag' commands was "Enter the Main story!", but of course they never did.

I guess Homestuck is what happens when they actually do lol

[bnha-soulchild-au]

By the age of ten Bukugo Katsuki is convinced he doesn't have any soul bonds. He’s seen the marks on his skin, but he doesn’t believe them for not even one fucking second.

Why should he anyway? It’s not like anyone out there cared even one bit about him.

Well one person might.

He shook his head fiercely, he needed to snap out of it. He didn’t want to think about him, with his wide green eyes and innocent smile. He was close enough to sparking up as it was, it was never a good idea to make it any worse with anger.

He had three marks, if his parents were to be believed. One was a simple black cat, taking a nap with its tail hanging over a ledge. That one was believable enough, simple, it could be anybody really.

The second was a black needle and a red thread, his mother told him that must be his mark for her, since she worked in the fashion industry. He hated that this one fit, that it worked. He hated the fact that he could possibly be bound to the hag by fate. He hated that it meant that every fucked up thing she did to him was justified in the eyes of fate.

He hated that it meant that he was supposed to be here, stewing in frustration and humiliation as the gloves slowly absorbed his sweat. He was quite literally a ticking time bomb, if he so much as moved too quickly his hands would be utterly scorched.

He hated the fact that it meant he somehow deserved it.

The only thing that made it better, was the fact that he had a green mark. It was a green key with two bunny-like ears, he could have laughed. Green marks didn’t exist.

Nobody out there had ever had a green mark, it was unheard of. It made him think that the whole thing was a hoax, an elaborate lie his parents told him to keep him in check. He might not have any soul marks for all he knew, not real ones anyway.

He was fine with that...

...and he was fine, all the way up until the end of his work study with Best Jeanist.

He hadn’t looked at the marks in years, he hadn’t thought about them in years, they were irrelevant, meaningless. Just shapes and colors, there was no meaning to them.

He hadn’t liked the man, he came off as a snob and was always telling him to play nice and smile for the people. It was all pointless showmanship, and by the end of his internship he hadn’t learned a single damn thing, much less been in a real fight.

He got more violence at home in a single night than he got this whole damn week, it was absolutely pathetic.

On the last day of his internship though, something happened. As Jeanist combed gently through his hair, Katsuki noticed something. It was barely visible in the shadow of his long sleeved denim costume, but it was a flash of red just showing in his vision as Jeanist worked from behind him. He had to wait until he got another glance as he repeated the motion, to fully comprehend what he was seeing. It was just on the inside of his wrist, a black explosion in the shape of a mushroom cloud, with a small red heart inside of it.

Katsuki felt a wake of chills hit him, almost instinctively he could tell that the mark was his. He didn’t know how he knew but he knew. That was his mark and Jeanist had it. Katsuki did his best to hide it, the internal crisis he was having as his whole world seemed to be knocked off kilter.

No.

Fucking.

Way.

It was all he could think about, he was running on autopilot, while his mind shut down entirely trying to process that the marks were real and he’d just felt what it was like to find a soul parent.

He couldn’t deny that they were real, not any more, and Katsuki was suddenly overwhelmed with multiple emotions at once, shame that he was bonded permanently to his wretched mother, fear about what the fucking hell a green mark might possibly mean, and some amount of shock that there was one right here, a soul parent.

He wondered dully why he’s never felt this sensation with either of his parents before.

Dragging him forcefully from his thoughts, Jeanist started to speak. “I know that you’re probably disappointed with how this week went. I know we didn’t see much action.”

The gears clicked in Katsuki’s mind after a moment of silence passed between them. He realized that he was expected to reply and gave a simple grunt. “Damn right I am….”. He couldn’t muster more venom than that though, not with his mind as it was. He needed to destroy something before it became too much, he could already feel the nitroglycerin coating his sweaty palms. His racing thoughts made him sweat and he needs to blow it up before it hurts someone.

Though, in this close proximity to Jeanist, the idea was pushed down. With the amount of nitroglycerin built up, all he’d do is either hurt Jeanist or startle him and neither of which was good.

“I do hope you understand why I had you do the exercises I did.” Jeanist prompted, clearly goading Katsuki for a better answer. There’s that condescending tone again, he could practically hear him tilt up his nose in disdain. How the actual hell could he be my soul parent?

“Of course, I fucking do! I’m not a dumbass.” He latched on to the anger, it was familiar, not like the utter confusion that had come with the discovery of the mark.

Jeanist hummed placatingly as he continued to comb through his hair, the damn guy was really into this shit. He was so intensely focused on it that he hadn’t looked anywhere else, it was probably the only thing that saved Katsuki’s sudden change in demeanor from being noticed. “Oh, then tell me. Why did I?”

Katsuki would literally rather be doing anything else, but no, here he was a grown-ass teenager, having his hair done like he was some girl’s doll. The answer he said tasted bitter in his mouth. Especially as he remembered the echo of his mother’s voice screaming similar sentiments just the other day.

“...everyone thinks I’m a villain, because of the way I reacted to being chained to the pedestal at the sports festival. “. Katsuki huffed, doing his best to keep the undesirable emotions from his voice, keying up the annoyance as a cover. It was still lingering just below the surface.

That was his fucking soul parent he was talking to, holy shit.

He violently pushed the desire to just ask the man about the mark on his wrist down. Get your shit together you were in the middle of a damn conversation.

“In order to be a hero, the public needs to trust me right, that’s your damn point, and people won’t trust someone like me?” Katsuki added, summing up the week's events in a single conversation. Tsunagu gave him an affectionate pat to the shoulder.

Why the hell is he so chummy, all I’ve done this week was cuss and yell at him? That wasn’t guilt he felt, he swore to god it wasn’t.

“I’m glad, I was convinced you didn’t listen to a single word I said this week. It seems like I was wrong.” Jeanist finished up his work and spun the chair around so Katsuki was facing him. The man was smiling warmly, the denim mask didn’t hide the way the creases at the corners of his eyes hinted at the smile.

“So what you’re saying is that I have to pretend to be someone I’m not, just to make people happy? That sounds like bullshit.” Katsuki found himself seriously considering what Jeanist was saying for the first time this week, and that was his honest assessment. This was bullshit, so long as he saved their sorry asses they should be grateful. He shouldn’t have to pretend to be nice about it.

Jeanist’s smile faded and he took a moment to consider Katsuki’s question. “Not necessarily, would you say that you are truly to the core a villain?”

Katsuki’s mind froze for a moment, visibly flinching. While Katsuki had hinted at the idea before he hadn’t expected the man in front of him to blatantly ask him about it. If he wasn’t such a mess at the moment, he would have heard the slightly playful tone to the man’s voice, indicating that he didn’t actually believe what he was insinuating. However, when he said those words, all Katsuki could see was his mother. The close connection between the two of them as his supposed soul parents brought to him the stunning realization that everyone believed it, that he was a villain at heart.

For a split second, he considered bolting off, because fuck this. This was too much bullshit and he couldn’t handle it all at once.

Jeanist noticed the change and his brow furrowed slightly in concern. Shit. Calm the fuck down, you asshole of a brain, shut the fuck up just until I can get the hell out of this place, until I can finish this conversation and have some space to breathe. The pro kneeled so that he was eye level to Katsuki, and shit, what the fuck was he supposed to say?

It shouldn’t be that hard of a question. He was going to UA for Christ’s sake, the best hero school in the nation. He was in a hero agency right the fuck now. He was talking to the 4th ranked pro hero in the nation. Why the fucking hell was this such a hard question? Of fucking course he was-

-he was a hero...

...wasn’t he?

All he could see was fucking Deku and his terrified face as he burned his notebook to ashes, as he told him to jump off the roof.

How the hell else was he supposed to deal with that damn nerd?

Especially when the quirkless moron was spouting shit about going to UA to take the entrance exam?

The fucking asshole was going to get himself killed!

What other ch-

“Katsuki?” Jeanist had a hand on his shoulder. The same hand that has that mark. He shook him gently, pulling him from his thoughts. The hero noticed the more focused look in Katsuki’s eyes and continued. “You are a hero, I know that. Sorry, that I didn’t make my intentions more clear.” His brow was still furrowed with concern. “You are a hero, and I may know that, because I know you. However, the person walking down the street only knows you from the media, and the way you act in front of them.” Jeanist sighed. “I only meant to say that you don’t have to pretend. I can see qualities any good hero needs within you, you just need to draw them out.”

He hated how good hearing that made him feel, he hated that his words had affected him so deeply the first time. Is this the soul bond, is there something unnatural making me feel so susceptible to what he’s saying?

Whatever it was Katsuki hated it. He hated caring what his opinion was, because his opinion was the only one he could guarantee was that of his soul parent.

….why was that still getting to him? So what, the hero had a fancy mark on his wrist? What’s the big deal? Does that suddenly make his opinion on Katsuki mean something?

Fucking

Hell

Jeanist decided to add one last statement to his lecture, while Katsuki processed his thoughts. “The only difference between a hero and a villain, is how they use their quirks. You can choose to be a good hero, and nobody can make that choice for you.” Jeanist paused, giving Katsuki time to say something but what the hell should he say. Should he agree? Should he argue? Should he stay quiet?

All he could see was Deku’s stupid face, and hear his mother’s voice telling him how horrible he was. What a horrible child to be bound to for eternity…

..horrible…

..rotten..

..brat…

...demon spawn

...the fucking devil incarnate…

“Katsuki.” The hero’s voice was softer this time, he placed his other hand on his opposite shoulder. God how pathetic must I look to make him wear that expression? The concern was still there, but the man was clearly trying to steady Katsuki. When had he started shaking? He was trembling like a leaf. What the fucking hell is wrong with me today? They were alone in the room, just the two of them. It was silent, except for the two of them. It was like they were wrapped up in their own little world, apart from the rest of reality.

Why is he acting so nice, why the actual hell is he being so nice?

Stuff like this doesn’t normally bother me. Why now?

Katsuki knew why, that mark had given validation to everything that his mother had done to him over the years. That was undeniable proof that the marks were real. That’s why, that’s why it meant so much more when he called him a villain, so much so that for a minute he actually believed him. Even if he hadn’t really said anything at all.

“Tell me what’s going on?” Jeanist gave his shoulders a comforting squeeze. Katsuki’s determination shattered a little at that. It was such an easy way out, stop fighting and let him take over, let him ask questions until he was satisfied. He took a shaky breath, why the hell was he out of breath?

I’m freaking the hell out because my soul parent is right in front of me and I’d convinced myself that they didn't exist. That’s why I’m freaking the fuck out.

He’s right here, just say something.

Say anything…..

“Please, talk to me.” There was no disdain, no hatred, annoyance, or fear. There was no frustration or anger, his voice was soft and reassuring. Jeanist gently shook his shoulders to accentuate the plea. His willpower that was keeping him stubbornly in place buckled, collapsing before him.

Katsuki spoke before he could think about what he’s saying.

“Your wrist, it has a mark on it. I think it’s mine.”

Fuck

Fuck my life.

Oh my fucking god you didn’t actually just say that aloud. Way to go, you couldn’t have been even just a bit more subtle.

Jeanist’s eyes widened as he looked instinctively to the mark just on his wrist, perfectly covered in most cases, except for the once that he hadn’t been paying attention. He looked back to Katsuki with a strange implacable expression.

They stared at each other, and Katsuki could feel his nerve wilting under Jeanist’s soft gaze. Katsuki really couldn’t remember the last person to look at him this way. He figured it must have been Auntie Inko, she was the only person that came to mind.

Without a word, Jeanist finally pulled his sleeve up to show the mark properly. The mark was just a bit larger than a nickel and on the center of his inner wrist, it was two colored, the black explosion contrasting sharp on the pale complexion of his skin that never saw the light of day.

Katsuki could feel it again, it was a faint sensation. It was like a realization, like it had been a long time coming. He had always held all the pieces, but he never knew what picture he was looking at. He stared at it wonder, feeling more than a little awestruck. He almost wanted to touch it but he suddenly and jarringly remembered how soaked his hands were. He quickly pointed his palms away and sparked off the excess nitroglycerin.

Jeanist blinked at the action but otherwise didn’t comment as Katsuki moved on to tug on his collar.

“I’m like 95-ish percent sure that’s my mark.” Katsuki hated how timid he sounded, the gruff gravel was still in his tone but it was softened by uncertainty, the sharp bite to his tone entirely absent. The embarrassment from speaking out was quickly fading in favor of itchy nervousness. “I’ve got a few marks and I’m sure one of them has got to be yours.”

Hearing the waver of his voice Jeanist quickly assured him “Only show me if you truly want to, please don’t feel obligated to.” Katsuki brushed the comment aside.

“It’s not like any of them are in uncomfortable places, there’s no reason not to.” Katsuki commented absently. “Plus, I'll drive myself insane if I don’t make sure.”

He pulled back his collar to reveal the first mark on his collarbone. It was the green key, and Katsuki showed it to the other hero who raised his eyebrows in surprise, but there was no recognition there.

“That’s a soulmark? I’ve never heard of one that color.” Jeanist asked in curiosity.

“I’m pretty sure it is? I have no fucking idea what green is supposed to mean though.” Katsuki commented as he moved on.

Katsuki covered that one up, and moved on to the one on his ankle. He shoved off his boot and rolled up his pant leg to reveal the black cat. Jeanist shook his head softly and Katsuki’s stomach dropped.

Was he really just imagining things?

Was it all in his head?

Did he just make an utter fool out of himself for nothing?

The only mark left was…

A thought occurred to Katsuki, it was a horrible thought. The only way to find out was to show him. Katsuki pulled up his shirt to reveal the last mark on his lower abdomen.

It was the needle and thread, the mark his mother swore was hers. It was the mark she had used to keep him prisoner with her. Many times it was the only reason he didn’t walk away, or tell someone about what it was like at home. It was his soul bond, it was dictated by fate. So why would anyone be able to stop it, even if they tried?

Even if he hadn’t truly believed in them, he hadn’t disbelieved in them either. It was enough to keep him still, with nowhere else to go.

Jeanist looked at the mark and somehow his posture softened further, and a wide grin erupted across his face. He could practically feel the radiating joy and comfort from the hero.

No

No, fucking way.

He couldn’t believe it, his mother was a horrible manipulative bitch on the best of days but this.

What she had said had done its job, it was intended to make him stay fucking put, to prevent him from questioning her and questioning freedom from her. That’s exactly what it fucking did.

How many times during his childhood did he walk right up to fucking Izuku’s house to tell him or to tell Auntie Inko? How many times did he turn around, figuring that they couldn’t possibly understand? That they wouldn’t do anything because he believed it was his fucking fate, that he fucking deserved every second of it.

He watched Jeanist looking at him like Deku used to look at him, before Katsuki had gotten his quirk. He was looking at him like he was the center of the damn universe and it was way too damn much to death with.

He couldn’t tell how he felt, he felt a little sick like he wanted to vomit as a cold pit of horror settled in his gut, and scream bloody fucking murder at his mother for screwing with his head like that. He really wanted to break out laughing, a little but hysterically because well fuck if her plan didn’t fucking backfire. He’d never trust her again after this, her or his father. If he could help it, he’d spend as little time there as he was able so he could get rid of them as soon as possible.

There was also a metric ton of relief flooded over him. He wasn’t bound to her for life, he didn’t have to listen to her spit those hateful things anymore, or at least he wouldn’t believe them. He just had to bear it a few more years and he could be rid of her, rid of the both of them, forever.

A small part of his mind quietly admitted to him that he was glad he could be different than she was, that he had a chance to be the hero he wanted to be. Not the villain she had convinced him he was.

More than that, most importantly, his real true soul parent believed that he could be a hero. The number four hero who was sitting right in front of him, looking at him like he was looking at the most important thing in the world, the hyper attention made him feel weak with insecurity.

They stared at each other just like that, neither knowing the gravity of the revelations that the other was sorting through. The moment passed quickly and Jeanist pulled him into an awkward hug considering he was still kneeling on the ground and Katsuki was still in the chair.

Katsuki could feel the gentle reverence in the hug, he could feel the simple and untainted affection in it. It was such a welcome and unfamiliar feeling that it made him sink into it, all past worries between them forgotten as they take comfort and pleasure in the simple and honest gesture.

It tore down the last of Katsuki’s composure, he let out a gasp and cried stubbornly into the embrace. He fought it the whole way through, every hiccup and sob was forced its way past the willpower holding it back. Jeanist rubbed gentle circles into his back for as long as he needed, whispering quietly to him.

They missed patrol that day, on the last day of his internship but Katsuki couldn’t bring himself to care.

[d-l-landcaslil]

My opinion on why is Endeavor’s redemption arc valid

I’ve been thinking about writing something like this for a while, but somehow I never did. But now I’m just going to ramble to cope with the anxiety the latest chapter gave me hhhh

So a lot of Endeavor stans get the question, why don’t we hate him, and I think this is a valid question (as long as you don’t attack us immediately and assume that we support all the wrong thing he’s done!). And I’m not here to convince anyone to like Endeavor. You can hate him, he deserved it. Just please don’t wish for his death in the current arc of the manga because if that happens everyone is fucked you don’t want that and also it hurts This for those who actually ask this question because they’re interested in the answer.

So here’s the thing. First of all I think he’s an amazing hero. Let’s not forget that he has the most solved cases ever, which means even more than All Might! He saved thousands of people. And his skills are just hella amazing, he is competent in almost all types of combat, and while AM gains his physical strength from his quirk, Enji’s quirk itself doesn’t provide it, it probably took him a lot of heavy training to get there. Sidenote for this he is hot af and can step on me any day and I’ll thank him.   Of course his heroic actions are no excuse for the abuse he did, but in my opinion the abuse he did does not diminish his merits as hero either. I admit this is arguable, but these are my views even on irl people of similar kind. 

So yes, I admit, as a person, he is extremely problematic, he abused his family, and it’s not something to be overlooked. But also his character is amazingly written. I think his backstory is one of those elements in the story, that tries to bring attention to the problems with the hero society. And boi, there’s a lot to unpack there. Firstly, what he represents is sadly common in real life too: that people (especially men) serving at the police, in the army, etc are abusing their power this way and getting away with it because of their rank. But not only this. This leads to even more complex problems within the entire hero community. And this is the rivalry between heroes and the toxic masculinity in the hero community. Now I’m not the one to quickly agree with Stain, because I’m fed up with the cliché of heroes having to be fully selfless (it’s their job and they need to eat and pay rent bruh) and that the whole system is corrupt BUT the fact that the hero ranking exists and forces the heroes to compete with each other is so wrong on so many levels. And of course there are certain heroes who can actually let this go and only focus on the job itself (e.g. Hawks), but there is a lot of pressure on everyone and not all of them can escape it. Don’t tell me it’s normal that Kiri had an inferiority complex for years bc he was too scared to attack a villain three times his size in 4th grade of middle school

And I think a lot depends on the family background. Notice, how the students/heroes who are not coming from a hero family or a family that expected the to become heroes (Deku, Uraraka, etc.) are way more chill about the whole thing, because they parents are proud of them af whatever little heroic thing they do. When it comes to Enji, we don’t know anything about his parents/family background but I have a really strong feeling that he was pressured into the marriage with Rei and into always being the best. Here’s why. We know that Fuyumi is 23 and there’s ~three years between the kids (bc that’s when the quirks appear) so Toya is probably 26. Enji is 46, so he was 20 when they had Toya. So he got married even before he became 20. Now don’t tell me a 19-20 yo young man, who has just graduated from UA (probably with flying colors) and already aims to be nr1 would decide to get married and have kids - even if he’s madly in love, nevermind out of convenience. (And even if he was in love with Rei /but he wasn’t/ and wanted to marry her, any descent parents would have stopped him.) Yes, he probably agreed, because he felt like that preserving and passing down his quirk is important, and that he himself is not enough to be the best and he needs a descendant who can do the job for the family reputation if he fails. Of course it’s all just assumption but DON’T TELL ME THAT THIS ALL WOULD HAVE HAPPENED if he just had A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY TO TELL HIM THAT HE IS A GREAT HERO AS HE IS AND HE DOESN’T NEED TO COMPARE HIMSELF TO OTHERS. NO, THEY DIDN’T TELL HIM THAT. Instead they used their money and power to arrange a quirk-marriage and set him up to be a husband and father while still struggling to become nr1. Now add this to Enji’s inherently grumpy, quick, aggressive temper, take away from him the chance to properly socialize with ppl of his age - and you get the textbook abusive man who brought the bad patterns from the family, added his own frustration and took it all out on his family he never really wanted. He might be an inherently bad tempered person. But no-one is born the way he is now. He could have unlearned a lot of it if the expectations of the hero society hadn’t fucked him up at a young age.

But he did what he did and there’s no excuse for that so let’s see why his redemption is still valid in my opinion. Also it’s more explicit manga spoilers from here (basically he talks about his future plans for his fam in the manga and I’m going to talk about it in detail). 

So what many abusers would probably do is to start acting kindly and try to win back their partner/family by promising to change again and again. But Endeavor doesn’t do that. Not only is he willing to stay away from them, but it’s him who stays in their old house and he’s planning to build a whole new house where the kids and Rei, who he wants to get out of the hospital he put her into (!) can live. without him. I had someone who told me they think he wants to be reunited later and he just gives them time but there’s no proof of this and it’s still not that bad. So yes, he admits that him staying away from them is the solution AND he uses his money and power to fix the situation as much as he can. Of course there are a lot of things he can never fix and my stomach still clutches when I watch his past in se2 but HE HAS LEARNED THE LESSON, HE ADMITTED HE FUCKED UP AND HE’S WORKING TO FIX IT AS MUCH AS HE CAN. And I can’t help to cheer for him to able to do that, because that’s the only outcome that’s good for everyone. 

Besides that, the scene where he tells Shoto he will do everything to make him proud and be the hero he can look up to always makes me cry  shows how he admits his mistakes too. He takes the things he said to Shoto, the expectations he raised towards him and admits that he himself haven’t fulfilled those expectations, so he needs to do that in order for Shoto to accept him. So he basically reversed the roles, he reversed the order of power, and he applies what he abused Shoto with to himself, but this time in a non-toxic way. Also, in the Endeavor agency arc we already see how he has a different attitude towards Shoto as his student. One more thing: you can see in that scene and also several times in the manga how he feels like shit when the kids are ignoring or confronting him. And even I think he deserves all of it, BUT this again proves THAT HE. HAS. LEARNED. HIS. LESSON. Yes, he was extremely abusive. No, it cannot be forgiven. But he basically admitted that he was one, got out of the life of those who were affected, tries to change and supports them from the distance. That’s the best he can still to in this fucked up situation. 

And as I witnessed his journey so far, I couldn’t help to start liking him. I cheer for him, I hope he can really change, I’m always excited to see him in action, and I’m really worried about him in the current situation. I think there’s way more potential in him than it was shown in the beginning. I hated him first too. But somehow he became my favorite pro hero and one of my favorite characters overall. 

This is the answer. If you read all this rambling you deserve a medal. 

A closing thought: I think it’s understandable that everyone reacts to Endeavor differently. He is the type of character who divides even the canon characters nevermind the fandom. It’s really interesting to see how all his kids react to him differently, and how they basically represent types of the ppl’s attitudes in the fandom. I realized I’m the Fuyumi type. But of course all are valid. But Dabi types please please let us mourn in peace if the thing happens QwQ 

[hollenka99]

The One Where Jackie Meets The Others

Summary: Chapter 4. Jackie enjoys a couple trips out with Marvin.

Warnings: death and blood mentions

@bupine @badlypostedeverything

Things don't smoothly transition back to the way they were following that morning. However, they both agreed it was clear Anti's intentions were to divide them. Therefore, it would be dumb to give him that satisfaction. When Marvin asks, out of pure curiosity, about the mullet, Jackie doesn't really have an answer. He'd simply liked the style. But maybe it was time to move on. The chances of him returning to the '80s were particularly slim. With the green having faded weeks ago, he has it cut so it now only reaches his ears. The style is nice but he does miss his old look. He supposes Marvin was pleased with this development. He definitely got a lot of joy from teasing Jackie about how much curlier his shorter hair became following showers. The only quip he has in response is that the hero's hair wasn't much better when wet either. The next thing on the agenda was the excursion to Pizza Hut. The four of them agree to meet on Thursday. In preparation, Marvin offers Jackie a copy of the restaurant's document on allergy information. Marvin faces falls when he learns just how many items he loved posed a certain risk to Jackie's health. Nope, no pepperoni for him. No garlic breadsticks or cheesy fries either. Fried items were a contamination risk too, apparently. He lies when his friend asks about stuffed crust. Jackie trying the crust option was one of the main reasons they'd agreed to visit the establishment. Besides, it wasn't guaranteed it would trigger a reaction. He could possibly get away with sampling a little of Marvin's crust if he didn't push his luck. It is comforting to learn Henrik, the friend who made educational videos for others, had coeliac's disease and therefore had to be wary when eating as well. Jameson was Marvin's cousin of sorts. Their grandmothers had been sisters. Then their mothers were friends, leading to their sons to develop a good relationship while growing up. Jameson was a performer who used his control over time and sound for entertainment purposes. He and Marvin frustratingly run late due to the hero misplacing his wallet. They are apologetic to Henrik and Jameson who have already found a table and ordered drinks for themselves. Jameson has neat brown hair that extends down his face to his jawline and closely surrounds his mouth. Henrik, on the other hand, has black hair which has been swept back as well as glasses. The two of them promise they don't mind the delay. They haven't been here for ages anyway. In time, four pizzas are delivered to the table. There is the pan BBQ americano, gluten free Hawaiian, cheesy bites pepperoni and stuffed crust BBQ beef and onion. Marvin suggests he and Jackie trade a slice. His friend makes a supposedly humourous comment about how he identifies as Jackie's pizza base but it's lost on the former drummer. How someone can deeply relate to dough that's been baked in a pan, Jackie has no clue. He allows Marvin to take a slice regardless. However, when it comes to him returning the gesture, Jackie insists he only wants a little bit of his friend's crust. Half a slice's worth of stuffed crust is placed on top of his own pizza. Jackie regrets it as soon as it enters his mouth. God damn it, it was actually really tasty. He could see why Marvin was so enthusiastic about it. His expression remains neutral as he chews, well aware he has an audience. He hates how disappointed Marvin looks when Jackie gives a bullshit review about the cheese within being too chewy. Allergies and cross-contamination risks fucking sucked. Screw his body for being an asshole who overreacted to a commonly used spice. "Oh well, more for me." Marvin winks as he recovers from the blow before stealing a piece of chicken from Jackie plate. Alright, maybe letting one small inconvenience ruin tonight in his mind was stupid. Marvin had said he'd act as translator. Which was a lovely gesture. Jackie was grateful he was prepared to sacrifice part of his evening to play the middleman so he and Jameson could communicate. Except Marvin got sidetracked at one point and had delved into a whole conversation with his cousin, spoke entirely in BSL. It looked like a funny one too. Jackie was glad the pair were enjoying their evening. He stuck to conversing with Henrik instead. It's a struggle as they don't seem to have much in common. That is until Jackie absentmindedly asked what sort of food Henrik enjoyed. This in turn triggered the German man sitting opposite him to enthuse about fried potato slices with pieces of bacon and onion. Jackie himself launches into a story about how his mother used to work with a woman who had family in West Germany. Then this German colleague would sometimes write down a recipe or two to give to them. In no uncertain terms, those foreign dishes beat jacket potatoes or beans on toast any day. The four men give their stomachs a chance to settle a little while they chat as a group. Then it was time to finish off the night with ice cream shakes. Two strawberries, an oreo and a chocoholic are brought to the table. Although there had been several mentions of what Jameson did for a living, it is only at this point that a proper conversation about is initiated. "Jameson's doing a show on the 4th. I think we should go. What do you say?" Jackie's response is delayed due to Marvin making the suggestion just as he takes a long sip of his strawberry shake. "Oh uh, yeah, sure. What exactly will be in the show? Time stuff, right?" Jameson taps the side of his nose with a wry smile. The younger of the cousins translates this as "I believe he's saying that's for him to know and for you to find out." The performer signs something. "Expect the unexpected." Marvin rolls his eyes with a smile remaining on his face. "Oh yeah, like when you get a younger member of the audience to volunteer for your sound tricks. I once heard Hacker T Dog from CBBC sing Thinking Out Loud, you know. That was an experience." Jameson makes a comment. "I haven't seen the weirdest combinations? Well yeah, I sure hope I haven't. Kids' minds can come up with bizarre things. Henrik, especially, should know that." Henrik nods to this with a sense that this was a profound understatement. The banter carries on and Jackie soon feels like less of an outsider. The ice creams shakes eventually get drained as the evening draws to a close. Once all the goodbyes and "It was nice to meet you"s are over, the tow of them hop into Marvin's car to head home. Bohemian Rhapsody happens to begin playing on the radio as they set off. Jackie doesn't even have to ask before he's turning the volume up for both their benefits. They haphazardly fall into a duet. Jackie's heard Marvin singing absentmindedly to himself before this. He therefore already knows he has a good voice. But it isn't until tonight that he's able to hear it out loud. "I need you to do me a favour. Do you mind headbanging like in Wayne's World?" "What?" "Wayne's World. Never seen the film myself but there's a pretty well known scene where a bunch of them are in the car while this song is playing. Then during the instrumental that's coming up, they really rock out. I've always wanted to do it while in a car but I always seem to be the driver when I get the chance. So do you mind rocking out in a minute on my behalf?" Jackie chuckles. "Sure. My pleasure." As Freddie finishes claiming Beelzebub has a devil put aside for him, Jackie springs into action. He moves his head back and forth in rapid succession to the music. The pair follow along with the next verse as loudly as possible. At least, they attempt to. It isn't long before they have both descended into raucous laughter. "Thanks!" Marvin manages in between breaths when it calms. "We should do that again. With us stationary next time so you can do it too." "Deal." Marvin bursts into laughter once more and Jackie thinks he's growing particularly fond of it. --- Another crime scene, another person fighting to remain alive while bleeding from the neck. Cat is only able to stand by while the paramedics do their job. He'd like to beg them to not take this guy to hospital, to not risk history repeating itself. But it's not like he can ask anyone to skip properly treating the victim. He's sure everyone here knows this situation is a catch 22. However, they can't do anything other than perform their jobs. It takes great deal of convincing but Cat is allowed to stay outside the patient's room for the night. He's been standing guard for a good while when midnight passes. A doctor comes along on her rounds. She speaks to Cat and the other member of security he's been spending the night with. While she's talking, Anti's latest victim begins coding. Any and all resuscitation efforts prove futile. The guy is gone. So is the doctor. If she even existed in the first place. And Cat suspects Anti himself is long gone too. The day afterwards, he catches some reporting of the murder while flicking through channels. The victim has an identity now. There's a name, age and grieving loved ones. The television is bitterly switched off as Marvin searches for his notebook instead. Joining the countless other entries is 27/4/19 - Nick Shaw, 34, wife + 2 little kids The next time he sees Anti, he's not fucking around. Enough was enough. Marvin was putting a stop to this once and for all, by whatever method was necessary. --- The first Saturday of May is a cloudy one. That doesn't stop a crowd from flocking to the Jolly Gentleman's show. Chase is still getting out of the car when Niamh races out, the name Oscar having barely left her mouth before doing so. It is with great relief that Chase witnesses his daughter collide with a familiar man. The pair of single fathers briefly kiss as a part of a greeting while the five year old girl is returned. Her twin sister and older brother hover around as the greetings continue. Eventually, Fletcher drifts into his own group with both of Oscar's boys. The seven of them make their way inside. "So where is this friend of yours?" Oscar asks as they take their seats. "Do you see him?" "Not yet. He should be bringing his new roommate with him." His scanning of the tent is halted. "Speak of the devil." Chase spots Marvin entering the area, along with another man whom his best assumptions identified as Jackie. They seat themselves in the same row as the fathers. The children sit directly in front of the adults. Marvin introduces him to Jackie as Dr Chase Brody, emphasising the title. "I'm just spending the day out with my kids, there's no need to be throwing my doctorate around. Chase." He offers his hand for Jackie to shake. "And this is Fletcher, Ciera and Niamh." Oscar carries on the round of greetings by introducing himself, Milo and Max. They spend a full minute going through the mundane pleasantries before Marvin and Jackie finally stay seated. As the performance begins, Chase relaxes. They'd filled the wait time with small talk and chatter amongst themselves, however, he had intended for today to be a chance to spend time with his partner. He gives Marvin the benefit of the doubt. The thing is, Jackie came across as a decent enough guy. He also understandably seemed a little overwhelmed by the amount of people in the group. If the chit chat served as a distraction, then fine by him. Besides, he only looked like he was in his late teens anyway. They did share a history of drumming when they were younger though which was a nice surprise. That certainly allowed for a whole avenue of conversation. As soon as Jameson emerged to start his performance, the auditory atmosphere changed. There were speakers around the place and at certain points of the show it almost felt as if the sound was travelling around the space as a physical thing. He also seemingly teleported to a different spot than moments before. A woman was completely flabbergasted when she discovered a small thank you card in her handbag that certainly hadn't been there when she arrived with no easy explanation for how it got there. Throughout the performance, one of his colleagues acted as his commentator. Among his other tricks, the Jolly Gentleman sets a row of plants on fire with an elongated lighter. One of his colleagues dramatically shows up with a bucket of water to extinguish it. The performer stops him with a raised hand. He then holds the lighter, still producing a flame, up for the audience. It trails across the plants, erasing any evidence that there had been any combustion taking places. Not a single scorch mark or hint of smoke in sight. A little girl is summoned from the audience. She's about the twins' age, maybe slightly younger. After being asked what her favourite character was (Daddy Pig, of all things) she was encouraged to sing a song she really liked (I'm a Little Teapot). Already familiar with work stories his friend had, he knew what to expect. The crowd was treated to Daddy Pig's rendition of I'm a Little Teapot, complete with actions. Or at least, they were partially treated to it as the volunteer kept giggling into the microphone throughout her performance. It is evident that Jackie is too enthralled by the show to notice the barely subtle yet fond glances in his direction from the one sitting next to him. Ah, so it was like that, huh? Good for them. Chase catches Marvin's arm as they head out, taking advantage of Jackie going to speak with Jameson. It would be more discreet if Marvin's friend wasn't in earshot. With a wink, he teases his friend. "And they were roommates." "Hey, shut up. It's not like that." "Sure. And Oscar is nothing more than my buddy." "Chase-" "Seriously, what have you got to lose? If he's straight then it might get a little awkward for a moment. But I feel like he would be reasonable and appreciate the honesty. Well, you know him better than I do. You tell me." "You sure?" "Listen, I was already married to a woman when I started being cool with liking dudes. But since the split I've been around the block a few times. It is going to be fine." Marvin moves towards his car as Jackie re-emerges from backstage. It's clear he's still very much skeptical about it all. "If you say so, Chase." ---- Joel makes the judgement that Jackie would probably be fine to travel through his portals a week later. His apartment is pleasant. The ledge of one of his windows has a cushion to improve comfort. Jackie notices remnants of blu tack on the wall where something had clear been removed, which was odd. He almost makes a joke about it but decides against it. "Well... fáilte!" Joel spreads his arms to gesture to the whole room. "Wait, you know some Irish?" "Yep. Had an Irish grandmother who got me conversational." "Really? Nice. In that case, go raibh maith agat." Jackie chuckles. "So... anyway, you going to tell me how you know I'm from '86 or not?" "Okay, so you already know about my portals." "Are you trying to tell me you portalled me through time?" "What?! No, of course not. Bold of you to assume I have any control over the 4th dimension. I meant, I have powers and therefore I inherited the ability to have them." "So how then?" "One of my dads has a time based power and I guess, that trickled down to me a little. Stuff like that happens sometimes. I think Jameson might have an unusually strong immune system because his mother has enhanced immunity. Either way, I just have a sixth sense for time stuff." "...Right." Joel huffs in annoyance. "Alright, believe me or don't. The point is I want to help you go back to your own time if that's what you want." Ah. That's where that elephant was hiding. He was slowly getting used to the future but there was an inexplicable longing to return to where he came from. He was never meant to be 20 in 2019. There was no denying that fact. And as much as he enjoyed hanging out with Marvin and the rest of his new friends, it felt wrong somehow. That said, he was particularly good at going with the flow where necessary. If he was stuck in this century for good, then he'd deal with that. But if there was a chance he could be returned to 1986, there was no way he wouldn't take it. "How?" A sly smile appears on Joel's face. "Ah, for that, we will need Jameson and Henrik's help. All we have to do is wait for the right moment to ask for it. And seeing as it's now May, I don't think we'll have to wait that long."

[glittercndgcld]

( 𝑝𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑥 𝑚𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑎 )

    📲 text messages | @xboutlxstnightmuses

monica this is how it goes, mon amie. Engagement is off and i am returning to NY short version long version...he wants to find himself and he left for canada yesterday. good thing is that he gave me a huuuuge amount of money for "emotional support" 🙄 did he actually mean it for  a therapist? Cause i don't need his money. I need him. all this time...i gave up new york for him i need your help to find an apartment and i am talking with people in general about opening the dream business i never got to open BECAUSE I WAS WORKING DOUBLE SHIFTS TO BE WITH HIM

peter  Okay, so passports are pretty expensive, but I can swing it. Then, we go to Canadan and we hire a private investigator, okay? We can track him down and hurt him. We can hurt him real bad. I never liked him - I told you I didn't like him. God, Monica. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that - no one does. He's an asshole and I always knew you could do so much better than him. Total pos! You gave up a lot for him, and for him to pay you back like that makes me really want to hunt him down. But I'm not really that scary. I know people though, you just give me the word! You know I'll help you out. You can crash with me, even. Until you find a nice apartment. I KNOW AND YOU'RE AMAZING FOR IT For emotional support? You should've punched him in the adam's apple.

monica i always wanted to go to Canada....but now i don't even want to think there is such a place hell i don't want to hear the name Andew never again after 10 years of being together, he breaks up with me  through an email and sends me money to my paypal account i didn't know i had paypal PETER :scream: it is alright....i guess love isn't going to be my thing it is gonna be interesting to hunt him down but...yeah. maybe karma is going to hunt him down. thanks :heart: you are probably the only person that i  can count on

peter Honestly, what a fucking dick, mon - and you know I don't even talk like that, but WOW! I'll never speak that name to you ever again. And yes, that is a promise! THROUGH AN EMAIL?! God, I am hoping you're kidding, but also know that you definitely aren't - what was he thinking??? I swear to god, mon, when he inevitably comes crawling back to you, you better not take him back. He doesn't deserve you and now I think you can agree. If you don't want his money, cancel the paypal account. I mean, you'll be just fine without his 'emotional support'. Just because you wated 10 years on one undeserving pos, doesn't mean they're all undeserving. And I only say that because you deserve love. You know? You just gotta find it. He kept you from doing that the past 10 years. Karma will absolutely hunt him down. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when it does. You can always count on me. I'm glad you know that.

monica Dear Monica, It has been like what? 10 years since I have met you in New York  and it was love at first sight. I can't do this anymore, though. I feel like we are the same. I still love you but it feels like you have been blocking a part of me that i never got to explore. I think I am starting with Canada. The money that we have been saving for our wedding is sent to your paypal account. I will always love you. I am sorry. it is still my money...no idea how to use it though? WHY PAYPAL THOUGH ? another forbidden word: paypal the wound is way to fresh to talk about who is deserving of love and who isn't at the moment he also sent me a text with the emotional support thing do you really think that he is going to return back? just booked tickets. Is  this Thursday okay?

peter WOW he literally broke up with you via email... what a fucking coward! I mean, who even does that?! In that case, he better give it all back to you. It better all be there. Your guess is as good as mine. Got it though - two words you'll never hear leaving my mouth. You are absolutely right. I just want you to know though - this has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. You're literally the best. I do think he'll come crawling back! Why wouldn't he?? You're a catch and he just willingly let you go. He'll realize he's made a mistake at some point and he'll want you back. Yeah, of course! I'll be free for you. If I have class, I'll leave a key for you.

monica apparently my ex fiancè it is all here ; but at the moment i feel like it is cursed. And honestly??? I do not know how to use it, because I already have money saved Maybe i was too oblivious to see it. That he was unhappy. Thanks though:heart: i hope i don't accept him that easily when he does that. I feel so desperate at the moment. I mean...i still love him:sob: thanks :smiling_face_with_3_hearts:you da best

peter I’m so angry! I hope I never see him again or else he might regret it. Save it for whenever you might need it. A savings to the savings account :thinking: you’re moving to NYC - you just might need it. It happens sometimes. Besides, you aren’t a mind reader. If he never communicated that with you, it’s hard to really know. Of course. I mean every word! I hope you don’t either. I understand that and it’s okay, too. You’ll move on eventually, and it’ll feel great, I promise you. Second to you.

monica you're right about the savings account maybe it wasn't. Maybe i ignored all the signs. i mean damn....we were fucking living together...why didn't he say it to my face? Why email? And text? Why in the middle of the night? Was I pressuring him that much? I wish i was a mind reader. I am so sorry for monopolizing the conversation. It has been a long time since we  actually talked and I heard about your news and New York:heart_eyes: but it actually feels bad at the moment. That it will never end. And I will never find love again because love doesn't exist. or i was just thinking i was in love for 10 years. AND I thought that this was it but it was totally fake I sound like a bad chick flick movie aatm but men are :pig: besides you of course :shushing_face::shushing_face::shushing_face: you are :candy::candy::candy::candy::lollipop::lollipop::lollipop:

peter Try not to beat yourself up so much, Mon. It really happens to the best of us. I know, hun. I know. He's an asshole - that's really the only conclusion I can come up with right now. An unappreciative., inconsiderate, stupid asshole that's just made a really stupid mistake. I wish we were both mind readers. That'd have made things so much easier over the years. Hey, don't apologize to me, okay? I'm here for you just like you've been here for me over the years - to listen to all the venting. It's been a little while and I hate the circumstances you've texted me under, but I'm really glad to hear from you. Oh, you ain't missing out on much over here. It will and you will. But you've gotta be open to that sort of thing to find it, you know? Just give yourself time to get through it. Men are :pig: This is part of the reason why I've been single for the past 2 years :upside_down: Ah, I try sometimes.

monica I doubt New York hasn't got anything new to give. We need to plan what we are going to do once I arrive!!! I can't be open at the moment. It doesn't feel like it's worth it. oooh bad luck there? I bet you have charmed a lot of people, though. And they were too shy to let you know!! I mean the older you get, the more gorgeous you become. It's a gift! The sweetness is still there :heart: so anything I should bring from Langley? Anything you missed? ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING( pancakes for example) my mom says she misses you. She's gonna be in charge of the moving-my-stuff-from-Washington-to-New York... I doubt I can carry more than three suitcases with me at this point :hugging::hugging::hugging: but I'm willing to try that

peter Always something new and better out here in these parts. God, I know!! There's so much we could do. I haven't hit the city in quite a while and now I'm looking forward to doing that with you. I found a really good karaoke bar :smiley: I understand. But you know I'm going to try to be that voice in your ear saying not to give up on finding what you not only want, but what you deserve. Not the best of luck. But I mean, in all honesty, since James, I haven't really put myself out there either. The few times the opportunies might've arised, it just didn't feel right. So I don't pursue anything. You flatter me though. I do believe you're just saying that because you're my best friend, but still, thank you :hugging: I don't know, can you fit my parents in your luggage? Lol other than that, definitely pancakes and just you. Other than my parents, I miss you the most. Ah, tell her I said I miss her, too! Does that mean she'll be coming by or is she getting your stuff shipped over? Yeah, I doubt that as well. Especially when one suitcase is about the size of yourself, I imagine :laughing:

monica hmmmm 1) don't drown yourself with work Mr Brice. And 2) yeah, okay...I am all in for going to a karaoke bar...because who knows? I'm actually searching ideas for mine, as well :wink: thank you, little voice in my ear :heart: but it will be hard from now on to trust anyone. Maybe, I should look out myself first and not put things I want to do on the side. Maybe that's what's the lesson here. i say as i finish the 4th packet of paper tissues :/ I'm sorry about that. I am not the right person to just tell you that you will find your one and only. Maybe I can come and we can grow old.... oh....did I mention that I was thinking of getting a stray cat and taking it to the vet so that we can adopt it and all? black and persian. he who must not be named was allergic so my mom would keep it. Maybe we can bring the cat to the mix and start a thing? I speak only the truth :heart: I can ask them to come more often though? aw I miss you too, so much ;* she misses you because I just told her that you'll be searching for a private investigator in Canada and she's on the same boat as you :stuck_out_tongue: was that a comment about my height? or about how big my suitcases can be?

peter 1) is there any other way to work? You know I can't not drown myself in it. I have nothing better to put my focus, time and attention towards. 2) Perfect. Let's do it then. We can hit a few, even, to give you some inspiration. You are so very welcome. I know. And that's truly understandable. I think focusing on yourself is a great idea, actually. Hey, if we aren't married by 40, I propose we just get married ourselves. Maybe by the time i'm 40 - because i'll it the big 4 0 before you do :grimacing: A cat? That's cute. I've thought about getting a pet myself, actually. I'd love a dog, but I think they require way too much attention than I'm able to give right now. But cats, they take care of themselves. Ah, it's such a long trip, I don't know if they're up for it. I'm hoping to make a trip out there this summer. It's been too long since I've seen them. You better! I'm really happy to have you here. It's not the same when I can't go running to you for advice, to vent to or complain to. I miss you a ton. :laughing:  I have no doubt that we're on the same page here. I'd bet she'd have castrated him if she could've. Hm, both?

monica NOW I am even more excited to see you NOW I am even more excited to see you heeere's to inspiration :champagne_glass::champagne_glass::champagne_glass::champagne_glass: meeeh two years later, I will join big team 4 0. It is as scary as the 3 0 and I believe being 30 is muuuuch more awesome than the 20s yeah...i am thinking of names at the moment . She is super beautiful. I always wished i had a cat like that see we already have a family of our own. You & me, the cat and your future dog :man_dancing::dancer::cat::dog: yah and it is surprising because she actually liked Andrew wrong answer but you're cute so I will let it go honestly here's to the new era that we can vent and talk face2face :smiling_face_with_3_hearts::smiling_face_with_3_hearts::smiling_face_with_3_hearts:

peter You mean you had to have karaoke bars thrown into the mix to be more excited to see me???? :champagne: I will always cheers to that - inspiration is a great thing to have! 30 wasn’t that scary for me, actually. 40 though... next comes 50, so that’s a little :grimacing::grimacing::grimacing: But I do agree about your 30s being more awesome than your 20s. Awh, you’ll have to send me a picture sometime! We’re off to a great start! I want a Great Dane though - thoughts? :thinking: VENT AND TALK FACE TO FACE - that’s going to be so awesome! You’re the only piece missing from NYC for it to be like, perfect to me.

monica Well, you're always a sight in karaoke bars-what can I say?!:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: we'll still have our fun both in 40 and 50, no? The problem here with every age is that society expects you to do certain things as you get older. We just have to outgrow society and be more open. I have been following society's norms and I was feeling happy with myself for finding THE ONE for 10 years and what did it get me? Besides, yeah, okay...Andrew is an asshole...but it's society's fault that he was pressured into marrying me. Feelings-aside, still. Other than that, all there is feelings and doing what you love to do. oh my God-why did I get so philosophical? with another packet of paper tissues finished

monica I'm going to try-I have to go through multiple bureaucracy situations for her, but be sure, you'll get to meet first of them all in New York. Mulan....is a good cat name, right? Great Danes :heart: YES I am aaaaall in aw you are the sweetest-I loooove you :candy:

peter It's so much fun! I don't even have to be drunk to get up there :laughing: I'd like to think so! We always have fun, anyways so there's no doubt in my mind. Yeah... I know, Mon. You aren't wrong. Not at all. BUT he could've handled it all so much better than he did. Maybe he was pressured by society or whatever, but god, he owes you more than an email. He really is an asshole. You really did get pretty philosophical :joy:  but you really aren't wrong. Stop telling me that you're crying when I can't hold you, okay? It hurts my heart. fantastic. I'm looking forward to meeting her! Honestly, it's a great cat name Wow, I wasn't expecting you to give in. Great Dances are like... the size of you. You know I loooove you, too :hugging:

monica yeeees. You need voice lessons and you'll probably have a role in the ensemble in ANY show. You should really consider it. I think you're more focused on the email than I am. And I cannot focus on anything. I hope I still have enough tears, when I meet you, cause I miss crying together over boys xD Thaaaaanks :heart: See-she's gonna be the size of her mom Is it okay if I go for a couple of minutes? Do you have time to Skype later? I promise...I'll try not to cry.

peter Oh, god. I highly doubt that, even with voice lessons. But thank you, the thoughts nice :laughing: It was a shit thing to do, Mon. Such a shit thing to do. I miss having boys to cry over! :joy:  I cannot wait to see you, best friend :hugging: Yes! She is. It'll be so cute. Can you imagine our holiday pictures?? Of course! Yes and yes. I'll be free most of the day, so just text me when you're ready for that Skype call!

monica I hope you'll never have boys to cry over, Pete!! OH MY GOD. The holiday pictures!:heart_eyes: Great. Cannot wait ;*

[tslasvegas]

Episode 11: “Jake and Ben were taken out yay!!!!” - Pat

ROUND STARTING AFTER JAKE AND BEN ARE EJECTED FOR CHEATING

WOW WHAT HAPPENED?! 

WOOOOOOOO AUCTION TIME BABY, okay so heading into this round, I know i’m in a world of trouble if the alliance we made collapses. I need to make sure that my loyalty to Meninism doesn’t go to waste. My biggest concern is that I have worked so hard on building and maintaining my working relationship with Kailyn, that rebuilding with Patrick might take a back seat. I’m confident that the Meninism alliance can get majority at final 7, then I can win immunity there, play my Legacy Advantage at Final 6, then sail right to whenever the Finals start.

I don’t remember if I made a confessional since yesterday! I think I did? Please don’t let there be a memory game I will lose. I’m using my usual auction strategy of bidding a little bit on almost everything so if there’s anything that isn’t bid on, I’ll win it. I just hope I don’t get any disadvantages because that would suck. 

The Plumbos just need to stick together. Me, John, Jaiden and Kailyn. Joey is with us too. BUt with all these advantages, we just need to play correctly. Hope no one wavers. We need to stick together!!!

Ok... Joey is suddenly really starting to get on my NERVES because he's like, convinced that he will lose to me in the final tribal council. Like boy it's final nine... please don't be thinking that right now. I want to go to the end because realistically I think if I get there with the same trajectory I think I have, I could probably win but it'll definitely be a battle to get there. Although I have no intention on taking Joey past final seven, I don't want him to catch onto that. I want him to get rid of the people I want him to get rid of (Liv + Kailyn) then he's done for. Sorry not sorry. Then the legacy advantage goes to me :) 

....five seconds later

Hopefully I will survive through the night, not just the tribal council but also literally through tonight, I'm writing this as I'm feeling deathly ill and I really just don't want this to be my last confessional both for this season and in my entire life lmfao. Today we were surprised (not me so much) with individual immunity going out to someone and lo and behold... it went to Kailyn. Now we're dealing with tribal tomorrow which is not somewhere I wanted to go already, especially now that Kailyn isn't able to be voted out. I really wanted it to be her going home but that's just not going to happen :/ I also really wanted to vote out Livingston, but it seems as though the target is set for John Coffey. Tbh I think John kind of did it to himself. Jeff came to me a few days ago and wanted to propose an alliance of me, him, Pat, Jake, and John. This was obviously before the Jake removal, but I was down for it and kind of added John into that mix because Jeff said he heard I was close to John. After Jake's removal, I decided to make quicker work with getting John on board with that plan and proposed the idea to John. On call. And John basically said... no!!! I was kind of taken aback at that. He was like, I don't really trust Jeff, I was like in the middle of texting Jeff and had to be like so.. John wasn't really committal but he wanted to wait til the next day to talk about it more. It doesn't make me mistrust John much, but it definitely set things in motion to make John the next person to go. At this point, I need to be distanced from John so I can't outright try and save John from going home, but I want to try and move any possible secondary votes onto Livingston I suppose because I still want to try and get Livingston out soon. I feel like there is a huge danger keeping a lot of these people in because I need Livingston, Joey, and Kailyn all out before the final six... and we're literally at the final nine. Jeff told me that he has a vote cancel and wanted to use it this coming tribal to get rid of John, but the thing doesn't expire til the final seven so I want to try and coax him into saving it until then so we can make a bigger move (ie getting rid of hopefully Joey lol). I really feel that Kailyn surviving this round threw a huge wrench into my plans because Jeff feels like Kailyn will not win if she makes it to the end, but I don't agree.. I kind of feel like Kailyn is going to win if she's in the end with me and Jeff. Okay so like if I had to give my perfect boot list from now til final three, this is what it'd be : 9th - Livingston 8th - Kailyn 7th - Joey 6th - Pat 5th - Xavier 4th - John OR Jeff =Final Three= 3rd - Keegan 2nd - Jeff OR John 1st - Me :~) Really the perfect chain of events would be all of that, but Joey gives me the legacy after going, I play it at F6, then SOMEHOW win F5 and F4 immunity. I think that F4 really comes down to who does actually win immunity and who wants to take me to the end or not. I guess I wouldn't be too upset if somehow Pat left at F9 and Livingston at F6, but it depends. I really just don't want people who are scary to me to get much further and tbh that's what Livingston and Pat do to me!! The others are my friends LOL If I somehow save John, it's gonna earn me a lot of respect from him but the cost will be Livingston unfortunately, and that might come with losing his jury vote. It also makes me look SUPER sus to Joey and I need him to give ME the legacy, NOT Pat. If I make Joey hate me too much it's not going to come into my hands and I need the advantages I can get. The other fear is that Joey could easily have another idol and just say fuck it and play it at seven bc then he's guaranteed top five, but I dunno... It's going to be really hard starting tomorrow. Because I have to make sure that MY agenda goes through. Not someone else's. But if John goes home... I will need to do some serious reconsiderations on my boot order :/ I'm part of a few alliances but the only one I'm loyal to is the one that's gonna get me to final three.. and it doesn't even exist yet. As far as my trust rankings go... I don't trust a single fucking person here. Even Keegan who I was obsessed with for a while has started to slip a little bit thru my fingers. Even Jeff who I am currently obsessed with has started to show signs of being stronger than I thought. And Joey is playing all sides. Pat is a fucking huge threat to win, too, and not a lot of people are seeing it... Maybe the strategy going forward is to weaponize Joey, not get him to pass off that Legacy Advantage. Use Joey to take out the people I am scared of like Pat and Livingston. He talks a lot about there being a tight bond between Liv/Keegan, I've been planting the most seeds about Pat being a danger to him, and he and Jeff don't get along at all. Maybe my final 9 onwards should look like this??? 9th: John 8th: Livingston 7th: Pat 6th: Kailyn 5th: Xavier 4th: Keegan OR Jeff =Final Three= 3rd: Joey 2nd: Jeff OR Keegan 1st: Me !! The jury is totally going to hate Joey... but instead of letting Joey have this free roam over the entire game, I think I need to pull him in way closer and start whispering sweet nothings into his ear until he's fully under my spell.. Who fuckin knows! I'm not above flirting with quirky straight men to get ahead. Maybe I'll pull out tHe mOvEs to get him fully wrapped up around my finger.. hehe HOWEVER!! This scenario is frightening for a different reason. It leaves so many free agents in the game from F7 to F4. Because basically it'll be Keegan alone at F7, Kailyn possibly alone at F6, Xavier alone at F5, and then just me and Joey at F4 versus Keegan and Jeff who both probably see that I'm a bigger threat than each other and Joey!!! THERE IS NO TIME TO NOT THINK AHEAD. THE GOAL IS TO WIN. How much longer is it gonna take for me to get there?! And who do I have to stomp on in order to win Tumblr Survivor?? I feel like a rabid hamster. Ok I feel better now that I threw up. Maybe I actually have rabies. I'll be back tomorrow to kick some more ass. Hoping now that the fucking super idol is non-existent. Goodnight.

This vote is going to be pretty interesting. Solidifying even more a group of 4, and if it works out well, breaks up a group of 3 (i just recently found out how tight they are). And then the other 2 hopefully choose to align with us. 

John Coffey is going home, and I hate it

Jake and Ben were taken out yay!!!! Working on my relationship with jaiden and Jeff to finally get our Joey the snake. Fingers crossed I vote correctly for the first time

[notcatherinemorland]

More Hamlet Thoughts because i leave everything to the 11th hour . production continues to be the 2018 globe w/ Michelle Terry

Hamlet and Ophelia’s uhhhhh fight 

Ham’s personality twists into cruel mockery of her at the line ‘Where’s your father’ and OHO the facial expressions

Ophelia kept trying to hold onto Hamlet’s hand and body and curl her fingers around hamlet’s hand and it was very heartbreaking . Hamlet was a ball of chaotic energy who scrabbled her hands off himself. rlly interesting to watch

this turned around with hamlet scrubbing over her face as he presents her to the audience’s 4th wall for the make up lines. and shoves her down to the floor at the end

the physical manipulation hamlet takes out on ophelia is a super interesting segue to the players scene

2 b / x 2 b

ham sat in the middle of the front of the stage and held the hand of an audience member who he talked he speech to. very intimate and closed and really interesting interpretation

im a nerd so i really like the juxtaposition of such a grand and philosophical speech being told on such an intimate and small scale

Hamlet’s still got his smudged clown makeup on

hamlet and horatio come across Very gay in the ‘something too much of this’ line. i vibe 

hamlet decimated his friendship with R&G and i LOVED how Horatio held him and then forced him away to give him just a touch more character. this Ht loved R&G as well and i appreciate the bit of character we all try to give horatio

Horatio’s Emotions over R&G’s impending death is a++ give this man some emotional range

OH the ‘if your mind dislike anything, obey it’ can we PLEASE listen to horatio the lone voice of reason within elsinor’s halls

that’s not me being gay, that’s a legit analysis of Hamlet in that everyone in Elsinor has a twisted sense of reality and morality and Horatio as an outsider is immune and must watch in horror

the argument is flawed with R&G but hey it’s not my theory.

THE TRUMPETS . there’s live trumpets 

the music they played to signal the half time of the play was wonderfully dissonant and i VIBE WITH THAT that is the ENERGY of Elsinor right there

honestly im annoying and i don’t particularly care for the play scene as an audience member. like academically the play within a play is rife with analysis but like. to just sit and watch it feels like such a halt in the energy

plus i really dislike it when they use gross physical comedy in the dumb-show because again. im annoying

anyway they only do the dumb-show (more tollerable than a lot) and they use drum beats and purcussion in place of lines, and have hamlet explain what’s going on with his lines. it’s certainly different and its a lot quicker than the text is

This Claudius is Prime Smarmy Politicians and is very indignant as he tries to pray and i REALLY LIKE HIM

The scene transitions are .. non existent in this play and i LIKE IT 

the lines follow on immediately between scenes as the other characters are leaving the stage 

i love how it supports the theme of acting this play has and how it breaks down the barrier for the audience of personal vs private 

thats not quite what i want to say uhhhhh. in other productions some of the scenes are really discreet from each other- like how pearl necklaces have stoppers between the pearls- and that’s especially evident in films, but here it’s the opposite and the scenes bleed into each other to create a really fast paced and chaotic energy and i REALLY LIKE IT

‘personal vs private’ is on god my favourite theme in hamlet and the way it works with the audience creating it here is GREAT

Closet scene... OH BOY

this hamlet is CRUEL oml 

the ghost enters after hamlet spends 3 minutes berating his mother and she’s crying on the floor by the audience and hamlet immediately stops and starts weeping 

‘oh save me’ sounds so small and childlike and it really showcases the love between them

not that kind of love, sigmund fucking freud. get your mind out the gutter

the disdain hamlet has for gertrude absolutely breaks my heart but that’s a me thing because i haven’t been able to see my mother in person for coming up on a month due to quarantine :(

added an extra hug before ham leaves .. v sweet

Claudius comes barreling in and picks up ham’s dropped sword. :eye emoji: doesn’t put it down until Hamlet’s brought in for questioning. but he’s still holding a book (english dictionary presumably?) and this act of holding a sword for 2 scenes WILL be reiterated time and time again in ever hamlet essay i write forever to whatever end i so desire because it’s easy to manipulate to my own purposes. bless this moment

There’s a seagull that keeps interrupting claudius at perhaps the funniest possible moments in his soliloquies and honestly WHERE is it’s Olivier

Ophelia’s madness isn’t as explicit as it is in other versions, but watching her tumble into emotions and lack of restraint is so, so heartbreaking.

this is one of the productions of hamlet that makes a really convincing case for ‘madness’ in elsinor being synonymous to speaking one’s mind and being truthful about one’s heightened emotions and like. i Love that interpretation

lets be real i love 99% of hamlet interpretations

the 1% is freud. fuck that guy

I’m Digging the parallel of Ophelia’s emotional outburts of grief (in madness) to Laertes incensed outburst of grief . ohoho

Laertes gets rosemary and pansies, Claudius gets fennel and columbines, Gertrude gets the rue, Audience member gets the daisy and the thought of violets

unfortunately i once wrote a shite poem about gertrude and weather she know of the poison in the cup at the end and unfortunately that’s all i can think about for the last 40 mins of the play hfdhgjgghjhgj

im annoying so i read along with the play and the duets Claudius and Laertes make of the meter and the word formatting on the page comes across really different on stage, which is super interesting. 

not to be really fucking dramatic but i read in the info packet of this play that the pillars on the stage are actually tree trunks carved and painted to look like marble and considering how many times i had to hear the words ‘appearance vs reality’ in my english class, i think im allowed to use the smirk emoji about how the setting of the globe is Integral to Hamlet as a play

i am itching to write an entire 4000 word tirade about the use of the physical body in hamlet because between the actual acting on stage, polonius, ‘one auspicious and one dropping eye’ and all whole host of references made to physical body parts i am going feral 

PLUS this one incorporates sign language 

i actually hate the word incorporates but needs must  

The Ophelia’s death speech is of course wonderful, but i can’t stop thinking about how John Everett Millais made his model (who’s name escapes me in a terrible irony because i got this information from an exhibition about the female pre-raphalites) sit in a cold bath for hours on end whilst he sketched and it made her very ill because the fire went out and she was sat nude in a bath of cold water for hours.

Gravedigger only has the songs and the hamlet interaction, and he wears a high vis jacket. he’s also played by the ghost’s actor, which whilst understandable in such a small cast, amuses me greatly

Hamlet’s got his hair tied back and in a military style jacket, and marches around with Horatio who’s in a hoodie and a black duffle coat (absolutely a student) and the same tight plait. Ham’s definitely meant to be sane now, he speaks very brusquely and all but marches around the stage

Not To Make An Edelgard Reference But edelgard’s cause in 3H was also cemented by a timeskip and a military outfit and a brusque personality hehehe 

Hamlet gets into the ‘grave’ to chat to Yorick which, again, i will use in every relevant essay i will write and manipulate this scene to whatever end i desire and on god i thank this production for this 

a level me would have gone feral

current me is also going feral

Grave Scene: a terrible one for your family to walk in and ask what the fuck you’re watching

Polonius’ actor plays the priest. yes, capsule wardrobe of a cast, i know but i’m an english student it’s my duty to wring every irrational inch of analysis out of this thing

i won’t trail on about unsubstaniated interpretations of Polonius’ parenting skills and fate in Hamlet but on god i will find an essay about it

i always enjoy it when someone leaps in the grave .. the melodrama... the meaning... the liminal spaces...

the DRAMA of seperating feral laertes and the really calm and imposing hamlet is excellent and a bit hilarious and the camera is going nuts

i’m very aware that everyone is now traipsing about over the grave in the middle of the stage and THAT’S a fun dynamic you don’t get from film or text

ok I’ve just noticed the video has the ‘top chat replay’ going and the very first line i saw is ‘what if hamlet had tiktok’ and i am CRYING 

Ophelia’s actor also plays Osric and is a) absolutely hilarious and b) again, capsule wardrobe of a cast will not stop me from analysing everything and anything this play may or may not offer me. 

im not saying hamlet is a play about inheritance and the burden of it, but also... isn’t it :eye emoji:

if bloody fire emblem fates can do it so can i, step off

Fencing scene: oh thank god it’s nearly over

The hearts on their fencing get ups parallel Hamlet’s clown outfit with a heart on the sleeve Very Nicely

Gertrude isn’t wearing her headpiece anymore .. ohoho dispelling the trappings and suits of dishonesty, if you will

The duel is a) bloody terrifying because sword fighting and b) judged by Osric (Ophelia) and the poetry of having ham & lae’s duel waged over and judged by Ophelia is absolutely excellent

Claudius’s aside (or to laertes? camera didn’t follow) had no right to be as humorous as it was jdfsghfkd

Gertrude figured out it was poison in this one. Nice

I like the call and response effect of ‘Treachery! Seek it out! / It is here Hamlet’ they made with Hamlet running around they stage to find little propped up Laertes

The dramatic eye contact of Hamlet and Claudius as he forces him to drink the poison.... OH HECK YES 

the way they sink to the floor in a pair, with hamlet crawling over his body to make sure he dies... oh LORD 

the swing hamlet does with his arm to the audience to cast them as ‘the unsatisfied’ was EXCELLENT and i would like that in every production of hamlet please 

the tussle of horatio and hamlet over the cup..... iconic.... and i enjoy the parallel of that to hamlet with claudius as they’re stood in the same corner 

The harsh projection of Hamlet’s voice and the blunt manner of his words about Fortinbras’ inheritance of denmark against the soft way Horatio rocks Hamlet back and forth ... i want to CRY

Horatio got to have emotional range in this production .. wonderful

i always enjoy the way the play tails off with politics in a room of dead bodies.. the layers the absolute onions

how none of the drama within the castle has any meaning to anyone outside of it is Excellent 

and then the way the prison and enclosure of elsinor is finally broken with military force in parallel to the tumultuous interpersonal relationships within it... i vibe yet more

they actually ended with ‘go bid the soldiers shoot’ which i enjoy a lot!!!! and the music is wonderful

then they all start doing this dance which i think is meant to be about the themes of the play and to be perfectly honest it’s a bit crunchy for me but the music absolutely slaps!!!

final thoughts:

that sure was a hamlet production and i thought it had a lot of heart and did some new things very very well!!!

and i loved the emphasis they put on the costuming!!!! 

overall: a solid hamlet. very nice. i greatly enjoyed it!!!!